#wow guys I love not really posting online it’s so beautiful school is kicking my ass

[jinkiesmariz]

Made this while doing a watch through of Dandadan with friends

[keepyourpantsongohan]

Ayesha Liveblogs Death Note

I’m watching this show specifically because of that text post that said, “Watch how quickly this one guy decides to be the worst person ever” and he has killed two people in the first ten minutes

Though 2 be fair he’s killing people to save people so it’s a trolley problem kind of thing for now

“In fact I’ve been waiting for you... Ryuk” ok weird flex Light but u do u

“You’re the first one to use to this extent in five days” WAIT DID HE MURDER ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN FIVE DAYS I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST LOOKING AT A LIST OH MY GOD??

“So there isn’t a price to using Death Note?” said Light, as if killing people is just a normal thing that we all do

Fhkjfhfkjb Ryuk really went ‘u used the book so we’re friends now’ 

I was wondering why the book was in English, and I guess that makes sense British and American imperialism really Did That

“I can write down the names of criminals, and slowly reduce the number of evil people” uhhhh doesn’t u being a Book Murderer also make you a criminal Light

“Human lives shouldn’t be taken so lightly” bah dum tss

Also I guess that revelation lasted about thirty seconds for you huh

Update from 15 seconds later: Even less than that

“I would create a world of earnest, kind humans” really because I don’t think places that allow the death penalty are generally nicer societies 

It’s interesting that they use English in the classes and the notebook but the conversation at Interpol takes place in Japanese (despite the implied internationality and Ryuk’s aforementioned claim about English being most common) 

Huh I won’t lie I do think it’s confusing that the main characters are L and Light, which also starts with L

“I am justice” I mean if anything this show just proves that no one should be allowed to use the death penalty on apprehended suspects in criminal justice cases ever 

OH SHIT PLOT TWIST HIS DAD’S A COP (IT WAS IN THE TEXT POST I THINK BUT I FORGOT)

Wow this show is full of mind games already I guess I can see why like, crime show fans would dig it

“But I’m going to say this as your roommate” OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES KJHRGKJHKJHG

Interesting that someone is following Light specifically already

I mean not to poke too many holes in your plan Light but wouldn’t it clash with your plan to become God if you die at like 35 or smth 

“You’re already much more of a shinigami than they are” Ryuk said my friends are BORING I want to hang out with this MURDER TEEN

“I may not look it, but I’m pretty popular” Light is exactly the kind of guy who ends up in a true crime special where a bunch of people say he seemed like a nice, charismatic young man

Man this poor girl that Light brought on this date is going to be straight traumatized after this

I mean isn’t it MORE suspicious if someone dies around someone with direct ties to the police even if it’s not a heart attack

“You were indeed a brilliant FBI agent once, but now you’re my fiancée” kjhfkjhg WHAT FBI AGENTS CAN’T BE MARRIED 

“Once we have a family, you’ll be so busy that you’ll forget that you were an agent” I’m not a fan of Raye Penber 

What’s the point in killing Raye at all???? He told you he was part of a special investigation so clearly he’s not that suspicious of you

Light sure is bold to announce his Killing People Experiments in the middle of a busy sidewalk 

Incredible that consistently no one notices Light’s increasingly threatening declarations????

Fjkfkfhk these five cops finding out their Hail Mary is this strange little goblin man,,,, wow

This woman has really pushed Light to the brink just by giving a fake name, I admire her tenacity

Cops wearing fake IDs really did not age well oh boy

SERIOUSLY HOW DOES NO ONE EVER HEAR LIGHT SAYING SUSPICIOUS THINGS IN PUBLIC THOROUGHFARES HE LITERALLY JUST SAID “I AM KIRA” AS A DETECTIVE WALKED BY, WHILE HE WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE HE KILLED IMMEDIATELY AFTER

Wow it really took only eight episodes for L to track Light as close as one of two families

“You have a wife and daughter, right?” “I know!” I mean..... not 2 be that guy but... cops

 “To me, apples are like... Well, like cigarettes and liquor to humans” Vcvhcjhj every once in a while Ryuk says something that really tickles me

I know the word sociopath is kind of outdated but man does Light have actual interests outside of school or does he just do stuff to fill the void of his lack of interests (outside of murder)

JKHGKJHGKJHKJHG I cannot believe that this has turned into a fake classmate situation first of all 1) are you going to become friends and 2) How old are you Ryuzaki/L?

“Where is that rich kid from? And he’s even at the top of his class? What a jerk” honestly a mood

I DESPERATELY want Light’s mother or sister to overhear his evil cackling will someone finally eavesdrop on this god complex

“If I sit normally, my reasoning skills drop by 40%” weird flex but same 

Sidenote: I can’t believe how many episodes of this show I already have watched

Ngl I was VERY shook that Mr. Yagami had a heart attack. Also does Light care if his family lives or dies or is he kind of neutral on the subject? 

“If Kira is an ordinary person who gained this power, then he is a very unlucky person” Dad and L said ‘if u ARE Kira could you please stop murdering thank you <3′ 

Light really underestimated how much cops hate anyone who has killed a cop oops

OH SO IT’S NOT LIGHT I WAS WONDERING WHY HE HAD NOT MADE AN APPEARANCE THIS WHOLE EPISODE U MEAN THERE ARE TWO GUYS WITH THIS EXACT SAME IDEOLOGY AND PLAN? INCREDIBLE

Update from ten seconds later: Two people, I guess

Well this explains the girl in the short dress which serves as the Netflix thumbnail of this show I was wondering when she would show up 

Also she sounds like she’s very young? Clearly Shinigami don’t have a minimum age of informed consent when it comes to their Murder Eyes Contract 

Hahah I bet Light didn’t imagine that his petty and fucked up apple joke would bite him so quickly in the ass

Dhkjdhdkjhd Misa is so bold dropping her Death God deets in a video for anyone to see 

“The way to kill a Shinigami, is to make them fall in love with a human” does this mean that Ryuk is going to fall in love with Light or Misa? Both would make me uncomfortable

Oh wild guess Misa became a Death Note Wielder through the Power of Unreciprocated Voyeuristic Love

“Yeah, I have a girlfriend now,” said Light, after a girl contacted him through a series of anonymous video tapes implicitly vowing to be his disciple 

“No one could tell who he’s attached to if I’m with this many people” [20 seconds pass] “Found him!” HAHAHA the funniest part of this show is consistently watch Light going “got ‘em” before it immediately is revealed that he doesn’t got ‘em 

Why is Light so incredibly searchable??? I think the only way people people could find my height online is if I happened to answer it for one of those Facebook note memes in 2007 lmaoooo

“There are many places that will go and sell your personal records” ah, data breaches; a problem that has not gotten any better in the last 15 years since this anime came out

HKJHFHKJFHF Light immediately jumping into fake-dating his weird disciple in front of his mom... what is this show

“Please make me your girlfriend” OH MY GOOOOOD

This is one of the weirdest romantic dynamics I’ve seen in recent memory but you know what? Whatever, at least it’s not Anxiety and Murder

“Does that mean I’ll have to deal with her until she dies?” Light is truly exuding some Ladybird Book of Dating Energy rn: 

The fact that to kill L all Light had to do was get an obsessive girlfriend... astounding

Beautiful that it took Misa less than a week of knowing Light to ruin his whole 15 episode game plan and also life

“I think I may be Kira” Well this show keeps taking one escalation after another this is exhausting why can’t Light just be a normal person who found it, tried it out of interest in the occult, discovered he’d committed a horrible atrocity and then went to therapy for the rest of his life only to confess to Magical Murder on his deathbed while his family goes, ‘Wow, Grandpa’s crazy’

Does L not think that keeping three different people imprisoned for days on end will lead to some psychological repercussions for him

FOR WEEKS ON END????? OH MY GOD???? The fuck L, I know two of these people are murderers but there are some minimum conditions of correctional facilities and this seems a little Stanford PE

THE DRAMA OF THIS EPISODE I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE A BLANK BUT HOW FUCKED UP TO PUT EVERYONE THROUGH THIS L I THINK YOU NEED THERAPY!!!!!!! I MEAN LIGHT AND MISA ARE MURDERERS BUT FORCING A MAN TO HOLD HIS SON AT GUNPOINT AFTER IMPRISONING THEM FOR OVER A MONTH IS REALLY A REFLECTION OF A COMPLETE LACK OF EMPATHY (especially when you think that this version of Misa and Light don’t know anything!!! Oh my god!! The fuck)

“I will make arrangements so you and I are together 24 hours a day” call me crazy but I would not want to spend 24/7 with the man who imprisoned me for over a month while playing cruel psychological games all the while

“I’m one of those people who’ll accept Kira, I’d think of ways I could help him” Misa said Bimbo Rights

“I could never toy with a woman’s emotions like that” Light’s dating life and personality has gotten a LOT funnier since he forgot he was a murderer I kind of wish THIS could be the whole show 

Also: Nice to know Light USED to have standards of how to treat women

Honestly fair play to both L and Light they both deserved to be punched and it’s funny to see eighteen episodes of mind games culminate in punching and kicking each other in the face

“Matsuda’s being an idiot again” “Well, Matsuda is a natural at that” wghkjhgkj what has Matsuda done to any of you

"He’s punishing criminals as a front, and killing people for the benefit of this company” is Light unknowingly going to solve the murder chain he himself started... inspiring

“I was testing you” this is why Light is your only friend, L, Aizawa has kids and it’s a dick move to ask him to put his convictions before them

Poor Matsuda realizing he’s got the least to offer to their team... me in high school science labs 

I understand Aizawa’s moral crisis but why do NONE of these cops care about their wives or daughters they’re just kind of like, ‘I will provide for you but I have no interest in or fulfillment from being part of your life’ (ACAB)

Matsuda is truly about to die for being dumb and eager to help 😔 Rest in Pieces

“We must not allow Yotsuba to figure out that we are investigating them,” said L, just after it cut from Matsuda being obvious about investigating them. Oh Matsuda 😔 you’re so bad at your job 😔

MATSUDAAAAAAAA oh thank goodness; Bimbo Rights save the day

“I can’t go along with your idea, it’s wrong!” said Light, despite the fact it took him 15 seconds to get over murder the first couple of times he did it 

Staaaaaaaaay Good Light, I don’t want ur Deathnotesona I want this young man with moral convictions!!

The level of hubris it takes to answer a phone call during your secret Murder Meeting while people continue to talk about their Murder Plans is just out of this world

“If I die, you could probably become the successor to the ‘L‘ name,” said L, to the person he has been trying to catch for twenty episodes 

“I won’t say anything under any kind of torture” “Yes that’s true” Which he knows because he tortured her for six weeks!! You see that that’s fucked up, L, right? RIGHT??? RIIIIIIIIGHT? (LIIIIIIIGHT???)

Seriously not to beat a dead Shinigami but Light is so much better like this. He doesn’t want to throw people’s lives away for the investigation! He wants to protect Misa! He thinks Kira is wrong! Why does he have to be a murderer!!! Why can’t this show be about a nice young man!!!!

“Hey Ryuzaki, that’s messed up!” THANK YOU LIGHT AGAIN I KNOW YOU BOTH HAVE KILLED PEOPLE BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW SO FOR ALL MISA KNOWS HE’S JUST A GUY WHO TORTURES HER AND TELLS HER CRUSH WILL DIE IF SHE DOESN’T HELP

Wow Rem is so ride or die for Misa protecting Misa from creepy Higuchi, giving her info and telling her to trust Light, that’s love bitch

Props to Misa for getting a confession out of Higuchi after one (1) car ride 

Why do I feel like L is going to be responsible for reawakening Bad Light is it because he psychologically tortured him for six weeks? Had his dad hold him at gunpoint? Forced Misa to investigate on his behalf? Constantly and unerringly presses him on what Kira would be thinking as he’s handcuffed to him 24 hours a day? Maybe!! This is like Build-a-Bear but he’s customizing his Teen Murder Friend 

“Only Mr. Matsuda can do [the mission to lure out Higuchi!Kira]” Death Note really said the Himbos, Herbos and Thembos shall inherit the Earth 

They keep saying they don’t know how he kills but it seems pretty obvious that he writes down their names to kill, they literally saw him do it

I really don’t want any of the investigation team to die but things are not looking hot :(

“Ryuzaki, I never knew you could fly a helicopter” “It’s just intuition” what does that MEAN

“Those aren’t allowed in Japan,” said Light, about a gun, as if he had not killed probably thousands of people without one 

In spite of this fact I really do want Good Light to stay 😔 Why! Can’t! This! Show! Be! About! A! Nice! Young! Man!

Also they really are playing into this father-and-son duo I will be very sad when the dad inevitably dies as I’m sure he will 

Family side note: I’ve been wondering this since the prison ep but where do Light’s mom and sister think he IS now that he’s dropped out of first year uni to be a teen criminal investigator handcuffed to a maladjusted homebody private eye

AIZAWAAA and also the other two guys I guess there was a plot relevant reason for him to rejoin the police huh

Well what a clean ending to this Kira arc. No one died and the killer was caught! Yikes that the next ep is called ‘Revival’ tho 😔 Rest in pieces Good Light

Also a new and very threatening intro???? What happened to the Twilight Apple Hands 

BOOOO I knew Light would get his memory back but I was hoping it would at least fuck him up for a while he sorted out his two personas but I guess all roads eventually lead to Bad Light 

Full disclosure I stopped watching for a few days just after Light got his memory back and let me tell u coming back later hasn’t made it any more tolerable I am truly not built for this EUGH

“Do you really want to halve your life a second time” “Well, that can’t be helped” REALLY???? CAN’T IT BE HELPED MISA??? WHY ARE YOU AND LIGHT SO CRAZY

Oh I guess we’re back to Light saying incredibly suspicious things right near the investigators lmao what if those cameras secretly had audio or you know, L simply knew how to read lips 

“Misa, let’s make a new world together” Remember a bunch of episodes ago when Good Light was all ‘I could never toy with a woman’s emotions’?? What was the reason!!!

“Have you ever told the truth at any point in your entire life” L cutting straight to the core lmao (also the answer is obviously ‘no’)

This show has taken a jarring tonal shift why are they having a post-rain-confrontation massage and towelling each other off this is a level of intimacy I was not prepared for I NEED PEOPLE TOOK LOOK AT THIS:

OKAY OKAY OKAY I KNOW THAT IT WAS PROBABLY NOT THEIR INTENTION BUT THE ONLY WAY I CAN READ THIS SCENE IS AS “Don’t kill me Light~ 🥰 I’ll fuck you~ 🥰” 

I guess L knew he was forcing Rem’s hand to kill him if he disproved the rules written in the book?? But to what end omg how does this help anyone 

“In April 2012, Light Yagami, age 23, joins the National Police Agency” should’ve known we’d land here eventually (ACAB)

Ah, I see another person who doesn’t know how to sit, clearly they will inherit the L title next lmao

Update from the first few mins of the next ep: “Near should succeed L” told you

“There’s no way I’m letting Sayu marry a detective” ahjfkhkjf he’s a little old for her I think but it wouldn’t be the worst thing this show has done romantically lmao; maybe Sayu would get to investigate her brother

“I might’ve considered going out with you, if you were a little younger” HA GOOD FOR HER

“[...] the Japanese police are unreliable. In order to solve this case, we want you to hand over the notebook to our country.” Of all the Japanese-speaking Americans in this show, this is the most accurate jkhfkhf the US government really is Like That 

Ah, so that’s where Mello’s gone, oh how the turn tables 

Also way to sell your subordinates out immediately, NPA Director, will you give them the Kira task force’s home addresses too

The real question is if Light actually cares about his sister enough to prioritize her over the notebook

“Call me... N” Oh my good L... M(ello)... N(ear)... Oooooooooooooooo

It’s my saving grace that I only need to get through 9 more eps but as always I must wonder where this is going will Light just die and end up in Shinigami purgatory while the people who knew him after the fact go, ‘hey, that guy was fucked up’

“If things get bad, I’ll have to kill Sayu” well I guess that answers that question, my expectations of Light are so low and yet he continues to find new ways to be awful

Good for Mr. Yagami and Sayu for getting out of that alive I guess but hoo boy I think this is going to have some psychological repercussions for both of them 

Uh oh this episode is called ‘Father’ I’ve been dreading this one bc I think that means Mr. Yagami is about to die 😭😭😭

“It was an institution for brilliant children, to raise them to become L‘s successor” okay calm down Professor Xatari that’s not what children are for lmao 

Well I guess it’s a lot easier to track down info about these two guys than it was to figure out L lmao

HAHAHA Sidoh haunting Ryuk to ask for his stuff is a fun addition to this madness  

“He’s scary for a human” jkhhfjh how unhinged does Mello have to be to threaten a literal Shinigami 

I truly don’t understand the logistics of how they revealed Ryuk to the police force isn’t the second Kira notebook supposed to belong to Actual Kira, in the police force’s eyes????? I do not understand how Light can just turn up with another notebook and everyone’s like ‘sure cool’ did I miss something 

Mr. Yagami killed for being unable to take human life ugh this is the worst 

“You’re not Kira. I’m really glad.” WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS SO SAD MR. YAGAMI NOOOOOOOOOO THAT’S WHY HE RENOUNCED OWNERSHIP OF THE NOTEBOOK 

Neither Mello nor Near seem overly concerned with the lives of people around them does being a Super Genius Investigator also mean you have to be a dick (is this Benadryl Coddleswab Sherlock syndrome)

Lmaooo genuinely love how it’s constantly apparent that Light is the least smart of all of the smart people Light spent five years working on his reputation and it took Near one (1) phone call to destroy it 

Ghjkhgkhgkgjh Light outsmarted by Near yet again never think people will prioritize principles over money

Lol yeah Aizawa needn’t have given a name after he said the “Deputy Director Yagami would kill Kira and then himself” thing, you don’t do that just for anyone who was he fooling 

How does Light keep track of all the renunciations and notebooks bc I certainly can’t 

Ffhkfjhfj Mikami truly looks like the son of L and Light it’s like Light missed him and was like, “Miss u boo :( (even tho I kinda killed u) I’ll adopt An Evil 27-year-old in ur honour :)”

Is Mikami’s story really, ‘I got bullied in high school and have mommy issues so now I think people I don’t like should die’ ok Shonen Snape 

“I just want you to meet with me and hear me out” Light really proving to Aizawa that he can lie AND manipulate people’s feelings 

“The truth is, she’s not smart enough to be my partner” first of all Light I think this show has proven you’re not that smart, and Misa’s Herbo Energy is effervescent and will outlast you, and third of all go to jail

“He’ll look suspicious if he doesn’t say something soon” “Ide, have you ever been in love” Matsuda continues to be the only good part of this show

“You’re the only man I’ve ever respected and admired in my life” GET SOME THERAPY KIYOMI

“You’re going to be the goddess of the new world” so it’s not enough for Light to be a murderer he must also be a cheater

Lmao Near’s powers of perception do seem a little B/BC S/herlock because L tried for literally months to work out the possibilities and Near is just like ‘I KNOW IT NOW’

“The only thing I can deduce from this is that Light Yagami is popular with the ladies” HEAVEN KNOWS WHY (PUN NOT INTENDED)

Every moment Aizawa gets closer to proving Light is Kira is another step closer to death 😔

“This is definitely Mikami’s handwriting” Not to be a know-it-all, Near, but handwriting analysis has been proven faulty many times in multiple courts of law

This truly is a game of Cat and Cat. All these hidden plans give me a headache fkjhkfjh call me Misa-Misa and spin me sideways I don’t have the braincells to spare

Well this is definitely some kind of s*xual assault absolutely fucking hate it wow this show truly just drains the life out of you 

“Matt, I never thought you would be killed” why wouldn’t you think that at this point anyone who comes close to this investigation eventually dies (also wjkhkjhgk why is Matt special didn’t you kill all those thugs you had before -- Mello said ‘the lives of my allies are only important if they are drawn in handsome protag style’) 

As of yet I haven’t really talked about Near’s wild toymaking but hoo boy is that L finger puppet something to observe

“Everyone who knows about the existence of the notebook will die” I’m still pulling for their survival, particularly Matsuda (himbo rights!!!)

Imagine if they just shot Light Yagami on sight how ironic would that conclusion to all these mind games be 

“I’m waiting, for the one who will solve everything, to arrive” Lmao if it turns out L is alive I’ll pee laughing this show is so fucking stupid 

Take a shot every time there is a Humpty-Dumpty-in-Puss-in-Boots style explanation about how everything actually happened

“I’ve won, Near” I bet/hope what gets Light caught is his inability to hold in his hubris for one (1) minute

Although the last episode is called New World, in which case maybe he wins in a very weird ending to a very weird show

Sjkfhkjhfkhfkjhf well I guess what gets Light caught is that the person he invited to be his murderous disciple keeps calling him God

“A second ago, you said ‘I win.’ That’s as good a confession as any” HA hubris strikes again also bold of Aizawa to clap Light on the shoulder knowing he is a mass murderer

Ohhh Matsuda he’s so nice and believed the best of Light :((((((((((((

Watching Light become increasingly desperate and crazed is very uncomfortable give it up dude u’ve been beat (though I suppose there is time for everyone here to be murdered still lmao)

LMAO LIGHT SAID “IF YOU CAN’T BEAT ‘EM, CONVERT ‘EM”

Yeah I figured if one of them was gonna shoot it would be Matsuda :( :( Good for him for not killing Light tho!!

Huh I guess that’s the end of the show I thought Light would die but I did think we’d at least get to see him in Shinigami Purgatory or smth... what a wild ride. This certainly was a show.

[houkagokappa]

YURIZANMAI

Here’s my translation of Yurizanmai by Morishima Akiko for the Sarazanmai Anthology!

I finished it the same week the Anthology came out, but then I completely forgot about posting it since I’ve been trying to spend less time online. Sorry about that!

I hope you like it, it manages to add the one thing to Sarazanmai that it was still lacking in order to become absolute perfection - lesbians!!!

Pg 1

Text: The night we defeated the first Kappa Zombie Text: we got a Dish of Hope. Plate: Hope Text: And then… Keppi: This Dish of Hope will grant you any wish, ribbit.

Tooi: Don’t tell stupid lies. Enta: Any wish? Enta: No waaay~ Keppi: It’s true, ribbit.

Enta: For real!? Well then, SFX: Haha Enta: eeeveryone in the whooole world becomes a girl ☆ Enta: Just kidd…

SFX: fwoosh Plate: Eeeeveryone girl

SFX: scatter Enta: …ing.

Title: Morishima Akiko – Yurizanmai

 Pg2

Tooi: !? Kazuki/SFX: What?! Kazuki: Natural hair! Enta: Wha.. Keppi: It has been granted, ribbit ♥ Text: We ended up becoming women. Title: Yurizanmai

 Pg3

Bubble: WHAT THE HELL!!!

Text: We can’t understand all life’s occurrences. Sara: G’morning ☆

Sara: Today’s lucky selfie item is… Sara: Yuri, dish ☆ TL note: Yuri as in lily the flower (but also lesbians) Plate: Yuri Large banner text: Lucky Selfie Item Small banner text: No way, I’m surprised YURIZANMAI got the OK. Thank you.

Text: This isn’t a reward, falling in love with my teammate, turning into kappa…

Text: Turning into girls… Enta: Girls’ breasts are in the way! Enta: The bra is tight and my shoulders are stiff. SFX: sigh

 Pg4

Tooi: THIS IS YOUR FAULT!! Tooi: Fuck, I can feel a breeze on my crotch!! Enta: Buuut~ Enta: It was only a joke~ Kazuki: It’ll be a relief not having to wear a wig, Kazuki: but a pain to need so much shampoo.

SFX: Ah Enta: That’s right, here… Tooi: ? Enta: I have a share of my sisters SFX: *rustle rustle*

Text: Menstrual pads.

Enta: Wouldn’t it be troublesome if we’d get it suddenly? Enta: Hey Kazuki, you too… huh? Kazuki: Yuri flowers… Kazuki: Eh, they don’t have them?

Kazuki: Has this flower shop sold out all the yuri flowers too? Kazuki: Yeah… Kazuki: What should I do about today’s mission…?

Pg5

Enta: I’ll help you search for them. Kazuki: Eh? But I’d feel bad. Enta: Don’t. We’re the Golden Combo, right? Enta: As men or as women!

Enta: Something like gender doesn’t matter… Kazuki: It matters a lot!

Kazuki: I mean… Enta as a girl… Kazuki: Is so insanely cute Kazuki: my heart is pounding.

Enta: What? SFX: ba-dump SFX: *lean*

Kazuki: If me and Enta would kiss Enta: Umm Kazuki: now that we’re both girls Kazuki: that’d be “yuri”, wouldn’t it? Enta: !!

 Pg6

Enta: Th-th-th… That’s right! We-we-we… We have no other choice for the sake of the mission! Kazuki: Not for the sake of the mission. Kazuki: I just want to kiss you Enta.

Enta: Re.. Really? Kazuki: Really. Kazuki: Enta I…

Kazuki: love you ♥ Text: Yuri... Kiss… ♥♥♥

Tooi: Doesn’t our schools flower bed have some? Kazuki: Is that so? I’m off!! SFX: *dash*

Enta: I knew it was a delusion… SFX: *slump*

 Pg7

SFX: *pow*

Tooi: …Hey. Tooi: Don’t kick the ball in a skirt. Enta: I’m wearing leggings like my sister told me to ♪

Tooi: …Hey. Tooi: What’s Yasaka doing all those things for? Tooi: Who’s Harukappa?

Enta: I think it’s probably Haruka. Enta: Kazuki’s precious little brother. Enta: Oh right, now it’s her little sister.

Kazuki: The school didn’t have anything but cucumbers, dish~☆ Tooi: His precious… little brother.

 Pg8

Kazuki: I have no choice but to try my luck at some flower shop in Asakusa… SFX: sigh

Tooi: I’ll help! Enta: What?

Enta: Kuji’s a good guy!? Enta: Eeeeh Enta: That’s surprising Tooi: I’m free today, that’s all…

Enta: What’s this? Just when I thought we’d be alone with Kazuki… Don’t get in the way.

SFX: gasp Enta: It can’t be…

Enta: Did Kuji fall in love with Kazuki once he turned into a girl!? Kazuki: Thank you! Kazuki: I’ll give you this cucumber

SFX: Grrrrrrrrrr Enta: ………….

 Pg9

Text: Eeeeveryone in the whooole world becomes a girl ☆ Text: Of course that wasn’t a serious wish. Text: It was just a joke Text: However…

Text: [Kaisou] Text: O Flashback X Seaweed

Enta: Wow cuuute~ Enta: Are these your photos from when you went to middle school? Text: National Tennis Championship Enta: So you were in the tennis club? Kazuki’s mom: Yes. Kazuki’s mom: We made it pretty far in the doubles together with my senpai.

 Pg10

Haruka: You were the Golden Combo! Haruka: Like Kazu-chan and Enta-oniichan. Enta: Are you still playing tennis together with your senpai?

Kazuki’s mom: No Kazuki’s mom: I haven’t seen my senpai in over 10 years.

Kazuki’s mom: But you know Kazuki’s mom: Me and my senpai are still connected.

Kazuki’s mom: A real connection will continue to shine forever without vanishing, even if you are separated. SFX: flip Text: Wedding/in the waiting room before the ceremony

Kazuki’s mom: And then that light will shine on the next new connection…

 Pg11

Kazuki’s mom: Even when we aren’t near. Kazuki’s mom: Even when we don’t meet. Kazuki’s mom: Me and my senpai are connected through that light. Kazuki’s mom: We always will be.

Enta: ……. Enta: I was a little jealous.

Enta: If Kazuki and I were women Enta: I wouldn’t be at the mercy of something such as desires, like men are. Enta: Even though my feelings are pure, I wonder if we can connect.

 Pg12

Reo: Tee-hee ♪ My make-up turned out beautifully! Reo: The perfect policewoman is complete~♥

Mabu: Let’s go investigate what caused this sudden change of gender.

Sara: The Prince is lovely even as a Princess, dish ♥ Keppi: It’s a pair-look, ribbit. Reo: I have like no idea how we got turned into women so suddenly~ Reo: The only thing I know for sure is that…

Reo: I’m beyond gorgeous as a woman ♥ Reo: Tee-hee-hee Mabu: Reo, even ever since you were a man you’ve been more beautiful than anyone else.

 Pg13

Reo: Wha- What, it’s unusual for you to give compliments.

Mabu: I’m not giving compliments, I’m stating a fact. Mabu: I’m not concerned as far as appearances go, beautiful or ugly, it doesn’t matter.

Reo: So you don’t care whether I’m beautiful or ugly. Reo: Hmph

Mabu: That’s right Text: Beautiful or ugly Text: Man or woman Text: I’m in love with Reo

Text: I want to tell you that, and yet…

Text: In the end however, no matter if I’m a man or a woman, my desire for Kazuki didn’t vanish. Enta: I’m delusional. I’m jealous. Enta: I still want to lick the recorder. SFX: Aaaah  

 Pg14

Enta: Still, I wouldn’t change these feelings. Enta: Even as a girl I’m in love with Kazuki!

Enta: I’m sorry Kazuki, yuri flowers are sold out everywhere… Kazuki: Enta? Kazuki: Look, look!

Kazuki: Kuji found them for me, dish ♥ Kazuki: They were dropped behind a funeral home SFX: squeeze Tooi: Hey, don’t cling to me so much Tooi: It’s soft

Enta: Kujiiiiiiiii SFX: roar

 Pg15

Bubble: Huh? SFX: whoosh

SFX: swish Bubble: Aaah

Kazuki: My yuri!! Sara: For our next news story, dish ☆

Sara: An incident has occurred all around Asakusa with yuri flowers taking flight. Sara: Gao, gao~☆ Banner: Yuri, flying! Don’t back down on love TL note: They’re using a word for flying that’s pronounced “shounin” just like “approved” from YKA was. Banner: This YURIZANMAI is fiction, dish. It has absolutely no relation to the official SARAZANMAI.

Tooi: This time the desire is yuri Tooi: A yuri-zombie, huh? Enta: Everyone… Enta: Let’s turn into kappa Kazuki: Yeah Bubble:  There’s something I have to take back

 Pg16

Text: Before Kuji falls in love with female Kazuki Text: I’ll use the Dish of Hope to turn Kazuki back to male! Text: And in order to do that… Bubble: Let’s go!

Text: Yurizanmai

Otter: Continues in the sequel Otter: Usso☆ (Lies)

END

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Fifty

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

July 13th, 2018

Roman didn’t understand. There was a woman walking down the street, and people were laughing and jeering at her. She had a bit of a five o’clock shadow, and her jaw was a little more square than most women, but she was wearing a dress and she had breasts, so she had to be a woman, right?

He didn’t say anything as she passed him, but he smiled kindly at her and mouthed, “You’re beautiful.”

She lit up like he had just hung the moon and signed something, that Roman thought was a “Thank you.”

“Roman!” the horrible woman shouted. “Don’t socialize with those types! You will not be that in my house!”

Roman cringed, but he stood by his words. He thought the woman was truly beautiful.

June 16th, 2020

Roman was excited. Some might say a little too excited, but no one could really blame him. He was going through his freshman orientation at the local high school, and had signed up for all his classes, making sure to pick Drama as one of his class choices. As his backup, he had put Drawing and Pottery, because both of those could be pretty cool, too, but he really hoped he got to have Drama as his art course.

The high school was a big place, but right now, he was just eating lunch with Chad and a few of the kids they had gotten to go on a tour of the buildings with. All of them were talking about what classes they wanted to take and clubs they wanted to join with wide eyes. Roman knew he had a bit of the excitement bug too, but his was curbed somewhat. “Trust me, guys, it seems cool now but there’s gonna come a day where you can’t wait for summer break,” Roman said. “Logan insists that he’s ready for winter break by October.”

“Your older brother is hardly a paragon of knowledge,” one of the girls, Ellie, snorted.

“True, but he’s going to be a senior next year, so I think he knows what he’s talking about,” Roman said. “Anecdotally speaking.”

“Mm, I agree with Roman,” one of the boys, Rocky, said. “My older sister can’t stand going to high school by November.”

“Wait, is your brother Logan Picani?” a third kid, a girl by the name of Maria, asked.

“Yes? Do you know him?” Roman asked. Suddenly he felt like he needed to be on guard and he didn’t know why.

“My older brother knows her. She’s the transsexual that was in his calc class,” Maria said. She wrinkled her nose. “Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would make that sort of life choice.”

Roman blinked once. Twice. Saw red for a couple seconds. Took a deep breath. Laughed with ice and venom blending together in his voice. “Okay, first of all, he is transgender, not transsexual. Transsexual is an outdated term that many people in the community find offensive, from what I’ve been told. Second of all, being transgender is not a choice. He wanted to be true to himself and because his parents disagreed, he was kicked out. So my dads adopted him. Being transgender isn’t easy. It brings all sorts of unwanted attention, and Logan has told me that if he had the chance to be cis, with either gender on the binary, he would take it.

“He gets all sorts of rude comments, from people who are close-minded bigots like your brother. And if you point me in the direction of your brother, I’d love to knock some common sense and LGBT terminology into his head. Especially considering that I’m bi and would like to be respected that way. So, let’s see: my dads are a gay couple, my older brother’s trans and queer, I’m bi, one of my younger siblings is nonbinary. Is there anything else I can say about my family that would disgust you into leaving this group and never calling my brother a transsexual again?”

Maria stared at him, shock and disgust warring for control on her face. “How could you possibly encourage that sort of thing?! Don’t you know you can go to Hell for that?”

“Provided that even is true, which I severely doubt, Hell will be fabulous and I will happily live with my brothers, my sibling, and my two dads there for all eternity. But if you can go to Hell for being gay, why would a higher power even make gay people? Huh? Riddle me that!”

“It’s obviously a test,” Maria snapped back. “Proving that you’re strong in your faith, and you won’t give in to the temptation of sexual desires!”

Roman blinked. “Wow. I...just...wow. I feel really sorry for you, Maria. Your parents must be real pieces of work for you to believe that.”

Maria huffed and crossed her arms. “Whatever. I don’t approve of your choices, but we can still be friends. Love the sinner and hate the sin.”

“Uh, no, we can’t be friends, because the ‘sin’ you’re hating is literally a piece of me. Frankly, if you believe all that BS that you just spouted, I wouldn’t want to be friends with you anyway. That’s just wrong on so many levels.”

Maria growled, grabbed her lunch, and stood. “Well, then. I hope you enjoy Hell, because that’s where you’re going!”

“God is dead, and the gays killed Him!” Chad hollered after her back, laughing.

“Oof, I’m glad we avoided that one early,” Ellie said.

“Yeah,” Roman agreed. “Honestly, I don’t think that Hell...is a place? Exactly? And you certainly don’t go there for loving someone who’s the same gender as you.”

Murmured agreement came from the whole group. “What does nonbinary mean?” Rocky asked.

“Oh, it just means you don’t feel like you’re a boy or a girl,” Roman said, returning to his lunch.

There was a beat of silence before Rocky asked, “There’s a word for that?!”

“Yes...?” Roman asked. “Do you feel like that fits you?”

“Yeah, a little!” Rocky agreed. “I always felt like...kind of a boy, kind of not? It’s confusing. But I don’t have to be a boy, I can be nonbinary!”

“Yeah! Look up nonbinary stuff online, you’ll learn a bunch, and you might find a more specific label that you like,” Roman encouraged.

Rocky pulled out his phone with a grin and Chad laughed. “Well, today is a day full of discoveries, huh?” he asked. “I think I see my parents pulling up, though, so I’ll have to say goodbye for now. I’ll see you guys around this summer, and at school in September!”

“Yeah, see you!” Roman said, as everyone else bid Chad goodbye, too.

Soon after, Roman saw Logan pull up in the school parking lot, and get out of the car. Unfortunately, Maria was walking over to a car two spaces down, and a guy who looked like he could be a linebacker for the football team was waiting for her. Roman said his goodbye’s quickly and jogged over to Logan. “Hey, man, let’s get out of here,” Roman hissed. “That girl with the freckles? Massive transphobe, and her brother—”

“I’m well aware of who her brother is,” Logan said coolly. “Jeremy has seen fit to torment me ever since I legally got my name changed. Insists on using it only because it’s what’s on my papers, but claims that because I’m still ‘Female’ on my birth certificate-which he doesn’t even know for sure-that he can use ‘she’ and ‘her’ for me. He’s a brat.”

Roman pulled a face. “Gross.”

“Indeed,” Logan said.

Maria caught a glimpse of them and stalked over, her brother following behind. “He’s the one! He’s the one who said that I’m wrong!”

“Well, yeah, you are wrong,” Roman said. “I’m not going to Hell. Even if I were, I would be happy to go.”

“Should have known he was the brother of the tranny, here,” Jeremy sneered.

Roman scowled and balled his hands into fists, sucker-punching Jeremy hard right below the ribcage. Jeremy crumpled inward, gasping for air. “Don’t call my brother that word ever again!” Roman bellowed. “C’mon, Lo. Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

“No complaints from me,” Logan said. They both got in the car and drove away. Once they were on the road, Logan said, “You realize Dad and Ami are probably going to get a very angry call from either that idiot’s mother or someone from the school?”

“Eh,” Roman said with a shrug. “Worth it.”

“I certainly hope so,” Logan sighed, “Because you just put a giant target on your back.”

Roman shrugged again. “I’m not going to stand by while you get insulted, Logan.”

“You sound just like Jack,” Logan said with an eye-roll. “It’s annoying. Cute, in a way, but definitely annoying.”

Roman gave Logan a grin. “That’s a high compliment you know. Sounding like your boyfriend.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Logan said, shaking his head and smirking.

“Oh, so I guess I should tell your boyfriend your highly-esteemed opinion of him?” Roman asked, snatching Logan’s phone from the cupholder it had been residing in.

“Roman!” Logan shrieked indignantly, using one hand to blindly grab for his phone even as he kept his eyes on the road. “Give me that!”

Roman gleefully held it out of Logan’s reach as he dictated what he was typing. “Hey Jack...Roman here. Your boyfriend thinks that comparing someone to you...isn’t...a...compliment! Ha!”

“Give it back!” Logan exclaimed, lunging for the phone and yanking it free of Roman’s grasp, at the price of nearly swerving off the road.

“Too late, it’s already sent!” Roman exclaimed.

Logan locked his phone and dropped it back in the cupholder. “I hate you.”

Roman laughed unapologetically. “This is Jack, Lo. I doubt he’d break up with you over that. If anything, he’ll probably just respond with a ‘mood’ and be done with it.”

“I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about you,” Logan said.

As if on cue, Roman got three text alert messages in a row, and he could see they were all from Jack. More kept coming, and he arched his eyebrows. “How many texts is Jack going to send?”

“Probably around fifty,” Logan said casually. “Most of them about stealing my phone to send text messages, a couple calling you a snitch, some memes, at least one asking if I’m driving and that’s how you got to send the text, and the final two will probably be a ‘thank you for telling me’ and ‘but mood.’”

Roman watched his text count go up and his blood pressure with it. “This is ridiculous,” he muttered.

“This is Jack,” Logan said with a laugh. “It’s how he is always.”

“Doesn’t that get exhausting?” Roman asked.

“Well, he’s always tired, but I doubt that’s the reason,” Logan said. “If that’s the only life you ever know, and the only attitude you’ve ever had, I doubt it would be as exhausting as it is to you now.”

Roman made a huh noise. “Don’t you ever get overstimulated talking to him?”

Logan glanced at Roman. “I mean, sometimes, I guess. But not usually. I’ve gotten used to his energy, as it’s grown as both of us grew. To me, he has the same energy levels as he did when we were in kindergarten and he asked if he could call me ‘Jessie.’”

“Did you slug him for that?” Roman asked.

“Well I didn’t know I was trans yet,” Logan said. “So I wouldn’t have punched him over that. I just really hated the nickname. Though I don’t think I punched him for it. Because he asked once and then never again. Apparently I looked completely disgusted at the thought of being called that.”

Roman got quiet, all of his current questions answered. A thought occurred to him, along with a new question. “Do you think of yourself as...you know...your deadname, when you think back into the past?”

Logan hummed. “You know, I try not to, but when I think back to before I realized I was trans, I almost always think of myself as either ‘Jessica’ or ‘pre-Logan.’ I know most trans people eventually adjust and they say, ‘When I was a little boy,’ or ‘This is a picture of a tiny whatever-their-name-is.’ I haven’t made that adjustment. I’m not sure I’m ever going to, at this point.”

“That’s fair,” Roman said. “I don’t ever think of you as...as that, but—”

“Roman, you can say it. You can say Jessica, it’s not a dirty word,” Logan said. “So long as you don’t call me by that as if it were still my name, you can use it around me. It took me a while to distance myself from it, but now I can hear the name without flinching. You don’t ever think of me as Jessica. Just the sentiment behind that means I trust you to use that name, just never on me.”

“Yeah. I don’t ever think of you as Jessica, but it’s weird seeing traditionally feminine clothing on you. Jack showed me some old yearbooks, and I nearly got whiplash,” Roman said. “And I’ll always use Logan when referring to you, even as a little kid. Because the whole, ‘back when he was a she’ or ‘when current name was deadname’ thing is just scummy, especially if you don’t have permission to out that person.”

Logan smiled. “You’re one of the good ones, Roman. Thank you. Would you be willing to go to the GSA next year?”

“Definitely,” Roman said, nodding. “Especially because you’re Vice President.”

[hamilton-one-shots]

Hamilton High School AU 45

And things were just fine with Thomas and John. The movie was just ending and John wasn't sitting so close to Thomas anymore, a choice that he respected.

"... Do you think you can bring Lucy over? I can cover my bruises.. I was just getting hungry and I was thinking I could go make dinner and we can catch up when you bring her.."

Thomas smiled. John really did care about his sister. "How about this, Lucy's a little too young for that kind of thing and it's getting kind of late for her. Why don't I take you over to mine and I can make us some dinner?"

"I don't know.."

"You have my vow that I will not do a thing. You know you could kick my ass if I tried."

John thought for another minute before nodding. "Okay.. But if you try anything, I'm walking home. And you might just lose the ability to walk."

"Noted. Don't worry." He got up and watched as John left the room and went towards the bathroom. Once he came back a few minutes later, he got up and walked out with him, taking him to his car. It had been so long since he'd been anywhere near him for so long without any tension, any malice. "I'm just going to say it, you deserve so much better than Alexander. Hell, you deserve better than me. I want to apologize for being so pig headed. I know what you've been through and I should have been more understanding. At first, I thought you were overreacting, but I know that was wrong. I shouldn't have reacted so childishly to you liking someone else.."

"Thank you for apologizing.. I can't forgive you for what you did to my friends, but I do forgive you for that night.."

"I understand completely." He got to his house and Thomas walked with John to the front door, letting him in. "Lucy! I brought you a friend!" Within a second, Thomas heard feet pattering down the stairs and smiled as Lucy appeared, running to John just as she had the last time.

"Johnny! You're back! You said you'd come back and you did!"

"Of course I did! I can't just abandon my princess." He smiled and hugged her tightly.

Thomas disappeared into the kitchen as John took Lucy to the couch and sat with her, popping a frozen pizza into the oven.

"So, now that we have a little more time, why don't you show me your beautiful artwork?"

She dashed up the stairs and came back with a pink notebook, showing John the drawings inside. There were all sorts of animals, dogs, cats, birds, anything she could see long enough to draw.

"Wow! Did you make all of these? They are so good." He smiled.

"Tommy says that I might be as good as you one day."

"Obviously. You're such a good artist."

Thomas joined them on the couch. "Johnny wants to be an art teacher some day."

Lucy gasped and looked up at him. "You do? You'll still teach me, though, right? I had you first!"

"Of course!" He smiled. "I'll help you be a great artist."

"Yay!" She smiled and hugged him tightly.

Thomas smiled and got the pizza when it was ready, then listened as John and Lucy spoke, both of their smiled as bright as the sun. He missed that, simple moments like that. And, clearly, so did Lucy and John himself. After about half an hour, Lucy began yawning. Well, she was already supposed to be asleep. She was even in her pajamas already. "Come on, Lucy, it's past your bedtime."

"Noooo!" She whined. "I want to stay with Johnny."

"I know.. But Johnny has to go home too. Come on." He gently pried her off of him and began walking towards the stairs when she started screaming and thrashing. "Oh my god- Lucinda Jefferson, cut that out!"

"No! I won't get to see him and, and it won't be fair!" She continued her ear piercing screaming as Thomas carried her towards her bedroom. "Take me back! I want Johnny!"

"You have to go to school in the morning! Just calm down!"

"No!"

John sat downstairs and ate pizza, listening to the screaming from upstairs. Lucy wasn't going to stop until she got what she wanted, he knew that, and what she wanted was him, so it was best that he stayed where he was. It took a whole ten minutes before Thomas came back down the stairs.

"Sorry.. Kids... You know how it is."

"I know. It's fine."

"Let's head back to your place before Laf beheads me."

John nodded and followed him back to his car, getting in and buckling his seat belt as he began driving.

"So.. Is Laf spending the night with you?.." It only made sense to ask. John was in too bad of a position to be left alone.

"I don't know.. I'll ask." He texted Lafayette. [Hey, are you free to spend the night?]

Lafayette frowned as he checked the message, just pulling up at his house because George saw that Alexander was online on Facebook. If he asked to spend the night, it would look suspicious to his parents. After all, John had four siblings to watch after him and a father who, for lack of better terms, hated Lafayette. He turned to Herc. "Hey, Herc, do you think you could spend the night with John?.. What am I supposed to say if George asks me why I'm staying over with him and his father, who hates me?.."

"You're right. I can do it, no problem."

"I'll take you to get your things after this." He went inside with him and found George on the couch with his laptop.

"He just went offline again. I messaged him and asked where he was and he just said he was at a friend's house. I can't imagine where that would be if now with one of you guys. Where's John? Is he okay?"

"Yes, he's with his friend, Maria. He's calm and just waited there in case he came back. Alexander left his phone there, too. I don't think he wants to be found.."

He sighed. "Well.. Wherever he is, at least he's safe.."

"Right.." He went upstairs and got Rosie, figuring that John could only benefit from having her there, and left with her and Hercules, driving to his parent's shop. When they got there, Lafayette put Rosie in her harness and let her sniff around as they waited for Hercules to get back.

She began sniffing the floor and stood at attention, pulling Lafayette around.

"What are you up to, Cherie?" he asked, though he figured that nothing could go wrong from following her.

She kept sniffing around and walking until she ended up at a bus stop. She began sniffing in circles.

"I wonder.." Lafayette muttered as he read the stop schedule. The last bus would've left right when Alexander disappeared. And the stops.. There he was.

"Laf, I'm ready to go. Are you okay?.."

"I think I know where he is. We have to go."

"I'm on it." They got in the car, Hercules holding Rosie, and began driving.

John walked upstairs and went into his apartment, Thomas trailing behind him. "Thank you for everything.. I wish I could make it up to you."

"You have nothing to make up. You did nothing unjustifiable." He sat beside him on the couch once they got inside.

John sighed and looked down at his hands, then up at Thomas. "Still.. You've been great today." This wasn't good. He could feel his heart beating in a way that he hadn't felt in a year. Or, rather, in a way that he spent the past year trying to ignore. Thomas really was different than he was just a week ago. But Alexander... John couldn't deny that he still loved him, suffering or not. He'd have to figure this out on his own.

Thomas smiled back at him, glad to see him feeling so much better. Alexander was scum for making him suffer and, well, he himself was no better. Not yet. He put his hand under John's cheek and turned his face. "I want to apologize, too... But.. I have to say, Alexander's been a shit boyfriend to you. Getting you into fights, stressing you out, you don't deserve that. You deserve flowers everyday, love notes, things I can give you if you just give me another chance.."

This wasn't good.. This wasn't right.. "Thomas.. I-" He was interrupted as Thomas's phone began ringing over and over again, all showing him messages about the same thing.

The Laurens Pamphlet.

"Finally, I'm done," Alexander sighed as he leaned back.

"Alexander.. Maybe it's about time you got home.. I'm sure everyone is so worried about you. And your boyfriend isn't going to like this.."

"I'd rather him be mad at me than sad and scared. I did this for him."

Eliza sighed. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea..

Hercules checked his phone as it buzzed, Lafayette's doing the same in his pocket as he drove. He checked it and his eyes went wide. "Laf, you need to drive faster." He read him some of Alexander's post and felt Lafayette speeding up.

"I can't believe him! John is going to kill him, if I don't beat him to it." His brakes screeched as he arrived at the Schuyler estate.

"I think your brother is here," Eliza said.

"I heard him. It's fine, I'm done. Its done. Thank you."

"Of course." She walked him to the door and waved as he left.

Lafayette was steaming as he sat in the car, unable to even glare at Alexander as he got into the car.

Even Hercules didn't bother scolding him as Lafayette drove. If anybody was going to have the first word, it was him, and he didn't think it was a good idea for anybody to try and change that.

"Where do I even begin? We've all been worrying for hours. I drove all around town looking for you. George and Martha are worried sick. And John.." He paused and sighed. "John was a mess. Emphasis on was. Imagine my shock when I received a text telling me that he was having a panic attack. I wonder where you are, but not without going and helping him. He was already calm by the time I got there, but I stayed around because leaving him was the worst thing I could do. I wanted to ask where you were, but just saying your name triggered a panic attack, triggered the thought that you left him when he needed him the most."

Every syllable stung. Alexander felt physically attacked with every word. After all, if anyone knew how to keep their cool with Alexander, it was Lafayette. And now, here he was, furious.

"And, icing on the cake, guess who'd with him right now? Guess who calmed him down and kept him calm while I went out to find you?"

Naturally, Alexander assumed it'd be Maria. He opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Lafayette.

"Thomas Jefferson. And he's almost as angry with you as I am."

Alexander's eyes went wide. "Tho... Thomas Jeffer-"

"Yeah. John was left all on his own, panicking and-"

"And you thought Thomas fucking Jefferson was a good babysitter?!"

"Hey! You don't get a say in this, Alex!"

"Exactly. You caused this mess and it was John's decision to ask him to come over, not ours."

Alexander frowned. They were right.. "Can I talk to John?.. I have to talk to him.."

Hercules tutted and grabbed his phone, calling John.

John was looking over Thomas's shoulder, reading what all the fuss on Facebook was about. 'The Laurens Pamphlet'?.. His eyes went wide as he took in the beginning words.

{This is an open letter to the fat, arrogant, anti-charismatic, national embarrassment known as Mr. Henry Laurens.} Alexander had made a /very/ public post was a calling out every abusive action John's father had ever held against him according to Alexander's knowledge... in gratuitous detail. From homophobic attitudes, to separating John from his siblings, to mental abuse and name calling, to physical abuse, scars and bruising. It painted Henry Laurens publicly as the monster he was and the worst part...? It was spreading like wildfire. 1 share, 3 shares, 8 shares, 17 shares, 34 shares... it just kept increasing and increasing. Angry comments spewing in with outrage against the disgusting man, many claiming to have already contacted police and other authorities about the man... If Alexander’s aim was to make this as public as possible, he’d certainly succeeded. The document concluded with {Of course, I know my dearest John Laurens would never allow such a post to gain such attention from the public. I very much doubt I will have the privilege of calling him my boyfriend after tonight... but his safety is my paramount priority. If he is safe from the horrendous clutches of the demon that is his father, my happiness is something I will very willingly sacrifice. I have no doubts he will quickly discover the existence of this document, and so, my wonderful John... my incredible Jackie... I’m sorry. I have no words for how much I love you. You make my heart flood with emotion and my head spin out of control. I struggle to get you out of my mind, and undoubtedly always will. I can only beg your forgiveness, and hope for your happiness, with or without me in it.}

But the last paragraph didn't change a thing for John. He only had one thing in mind, one worry that mattered. "I have to make sure they're okay!" he said as he jumped up, bursting into a sprint for the door.

Thomas caught him before he could, holding him against his chest and waiting for him to calm down. "No, sunshine, you can't! That's nothing but a bad idea right now and you know it. Please, you know he'd never hurt them. They're safe, John."

It was only a few minutes before John collapsed into Thomas's arms, crying softly. "I never wanted this... He's ruined everything..."

"Shh.. Maybe it's best if you stay calm, sunshine. Just relax, okay? You're smart. I know you can get through this.." He kissed his cheek and laid him down on the couch, running his fingers through his hair. "Just take this one step at a time. Can you do that?.."

John nodded. "What about my art?.. With this over my head.."

"Hey, none of that. You're so talented, people would be crazy to let this stop them from buying it." He sighed. "Still.. Alexander should not have done this. I know you keep secrets for him and he just gave up all of yours for the world to see.."

"Don't remind me.." he muttered, checking his phone. "Hold on.. Herc's calling me."

"Want me to leave?"

He shook his head and let him rest his hand on his side as he answered the phone. "H-Hello..?"

Hercules frowned. He trusted Lafayette when he said that John was okay, but this didn't sound okay. "Hey, Jack.. How are you doing?"

"I was okay until I read that stupid pamphlet.."

"I know.. I'm sorry.. We found Alexander. Do you want to talk to him?"

"No. I don't want to see him or talk to him."

"Okay. I understand. I'll be there in a minute. We agreed that it's better if I stay with you instead of Laf and I'll even bring Rosie for you."

"Thanks.."

"No problem." He waited until John hung up and sighed.

Alexander didn't have to ask. He knew John didn't want to see him. He cried in the backseat as Lafayette drove.

When they got to the building, Hercules got out and headed up to John's apartment and Laf went to the backseat, helping Alexander calm down.

"Hey.. I'm mad at you, but I don't want you to suffer.. Look at me. You're okay and that's what matters."

"John's g-going to br-break up with with me.." he sniffled. "He-He's going to date Tho-Thomas..."

"Do you really believe that it's going to be that easy for him? You know better, I know you do." He sighed and pulled him against his chest. "Listen.. What you did was wrong, but I know John. He's going to give you a chance. He's going to talk to you before he makes any decision like that."

"I just wanted to-to help him.."

"And I understand that, but John's smart.. You should have trusted him with some choice on whether or not you made this or whether or not he was okay. I know it looks bad, but John's a fighter. He knows what he can take and what he can't. It's awful, I know it is.. But it was wrong to tell everyone his secrets like that and whatever he decides, he'd never try to hurt you. Do you understand?"

Alexander nodded.

"Good. Let's go home, okay?"

He nodded again and Lafayette moved to the driver's seat, driving home.

Thomas got up when he heard knocking on the door and answered it, Hercules glaring lightly at him.

"Jefferson."

"Mulligan."

"He doesn't need you here anymore."

He tutted and went back to John, taking his hand and kissing it. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay sunshine?"

"Yeah, it's fine."

He smiled and left.

"What a night, huh?.." Hercules began as he sat beside John. "How are you doing?"

"I'm alright."

"That's good. So.. How about ending this crazy night with just some movies and snacks?"

"That's just what I need right now. I'll get some snacks. You can pull something up on my laptop."

"Will do."

Within minutes, the two guys had a large bowl of popcorn, chips, and soda on the table and Justice League playing on John's laptop. If there was one thing they could agree on, it was the fact that Wonder Woman made everything better.

About halfway through the movie, Hercules looked down and smiled when he found that John had slumped over in his sleep. He needed some rest after the crazy day he'd just had. He covered him with a blanket and fell asleep with him after cleaning up.

In the middle of the night, Lafayette woke up to Alexander shaking him lightly.

"Laf.. Can I sleep with you?.. I can't.. Nightmares.."

"Yes, of course. Come here." He made room for him and let him lay down before falling asleep with him and Rosie, who Herc had forgotten to take in all of the drama.

Alexander laid beside him and moved close, gripping his shirt tightly and squeezing his eyes shut.

In the morning, he was awaken by Rosie purring on his face. It was pleasant, but it didn't stop him from feeling undead. There was so much that was no doubt going to happen. There was George and Martha, who'd let him off easy after the long night but no doubt had something to say about his disappearance, Hercules, who was probably furious, Thomas Jefferson no doubt wanted to throttle him, and then there was John. That's who scared him the most. Not because of what he could do, but what he could say.

He slowly sat up, waking up Laf, and left to get ready for school. He burst into tears at the sight of John’s shirts in his dresser and pulled one out, holding it to his chest and taking in John’s scent. It may have been the last time he got to.

Lafayette sighed. Today was not going to be easy. He frowned before getting ready for school as well.

John was already gone by the time Hercules woke up and left breakfast and a note on the coffee table. [Hey, I'm feeling alright and I'm already at school. I wanted to work on a painting real quick. I'll see you there. : )]

Hercules smiled a bit and got ready for school before eating and leaving. He was worried, but at least John seemed to be a bit better.

And he was, to the naked eye. He was standing outside of the school and painting, his bandana over his face, just like nothing ever happened. This time, it was a simple commission just in time for Valentine's day, a silhouette of a couple dancing. He calmly painted away, jumping a bit as he heard a familiar voice.

[rubyrose364]

My Coming out Story

Like most people, it took me a long while to really accept my sexuality. Some people accept it right away but for some who had a similar situation like mine, it would take a while and some hard feelings of finding out who you really are. My coming out story might sound similar to some, yet it's different. Others have different reactions, some positive, some negative, just different things.

We each live different lives, each of us handle some situations differently, some go through some harsh things, while others go through different things but still understand the feeling.

I didn't really pay much attention to who I liked when I was a kid, in 2nd grade I had a crush on this boy, like every young kid with those first school crushes you want to tell someone. I told my mom and it caused her to always asking me about him. I love my mom but after this event, I slowly stopped telling her things, I closed in on my self and soon found myself not finding anymore crushes to gush over.

It wasn't till I was in 7th grade did something change in me. I started to notice some of the girls in my classes, started to attract me. I would always say "wow she's pretty" "She has pretty eyes" "look at her, she's cute" All these thoughts came rushing to my head that it confused me. It scared me. I was always told that when I grow up I was gonna find a nice boy to date, maybe even start a family with. My mom would always tell me about finding the right guy to be with, and so on, yet I felt nothing for the guys.

I kept this to myself, scared my mom would get angry, seeing as during this time in my life, Gays and Lesbians where not very accepted where I lived. Something on the news happen, or something My older brother said made my mom turn to me. I remember we where in the kitchen of our 1 bedroom apartment that homed 3 people, my mom was cooking and I was just watching.

What she told me will forever be with me.

"Savannah you like boys right! Not girls! You're not a freak right? You're normal right?"

I was frozen. Scared. I didn't know how to respond to her. Even as a kid, I been through some emotional things, I mature faster than my older brother so I could be my family of 3's rock. I held back pain and agree to things just to make my mom happy. Disappointing my mom was one of my great fears as a kid; it still is to this day. So I told her "No mom, I don't like girls. I like boys. I'm not a freak mom" but deep down, I knew I was lying not only to my mother but to myself as well.

Time goes on and I keep seeing girls in a new light, yet I scolded myself everyday "No, no Savannah, look at guys this way! Not girls!" "Savannah stop this! It's a faze! It will pass" Everyday I kept telling myself this and with each world I drew more and more into myself, distancing myself more and more from my mom. I was sad through the remaining of my 7th grade year and the whole 8th grade. I forced smiles around my friends, acted like nothing was wrong with me, I put others before me and just went on with life.

Finally I'm in High school now. This is where my world got more open and I was slowly on the right path to finding something out about myself.

My High school was very accepting to Gays. No body batten and eye as a guy holding another guys hand, or a girl kissing another girl before classes started or after they ended. They just accepted it and moved on with life. I felt happy. To know That my School didn't care about who you liked, but what happen in 7th grade with my mom stayed with me and I was still afraid to accept that side of me.

I focused more on my school work, talking with friends during school and staying in my room out of school. I only had my laptop and online friends to keep my company, and my dog. My dog was my rock, he would listen to my worries when no one else was home, he sat on my lap as I talked away. Cried a little and he was just there for me.

During the first two years of my High school life I finally came to my mom and told her I was Bisexual. My mom didn't understand Bisexuality at all and told me I can't be bi. that I couldn't like both a guy and girl at the same time, it's either I like one or the other not both. This had us drifted a part for some time, but my mom came around. She came to accept that I was saying I was Bi, she still didn't understand it but she wanted to. She wanted to understand me and so I helped her. She asked questions and I tried to answer as best as I could, but even I was till not sure myself.

It wasn't till 11th grade came and things changed for me.

I was taking a shower, just letting the hot water run as I stared at the wall. I'm not sure how long I just stood there but I finally just up and told myself "Why should I like a guy? Just because it's the norm and I'm a girl that I should date and like a guy?" "I should like who ever I want, and if that person happens to be a girl, so what? It's my life. It's my choice, and best of all, it's me." Telling myself that made me burst into tears. It felt like a small weight had been lifted off my shoulders after finally accepting who I was and who I liked.

During a thing at school, Juniors got to have 2 hours free in the gym, me and my two best friends where joking around and picking out guys and making up stories when all of a sudden they start saying that guy was guy. This guy was handsome, and I went quiet. They started talking about that if he was this way they would date him then suddenly they asked me "Savannah, what about you? Which guy would you date?" I looked at them both and busted out laughing "There is no way in hell I would ever date a guy, point me to a beautiful girl and I will tell you."

I didn't even think about my words! After I realized what I said I started to panic. I had have yet to come out to my friends yet and the wide eyes they gave me made my heart drop. Did I just scare off my only 2 friends in this big ass school? Will they treat me differently? I failed to remember at the time, that we where friends with a few gay people, but in my panic I forgot about it all. I was about to get up and leave when they started to laugh, saying they had figured I was a lesbian, then they did something amazing.

They started pointing out girls, asking if I would date her, or that one, they just accepted me and I felt more welcome and close to my friends. We started pointing out guys and girls for each other, laughing those two hours we had, teasing each other and just having fun.

It was after I got home did I make a promise to myself. When I turn 18 I would finally tell my mom I was a lesbian. I would tell her on the day of my birthday.

Then I meet Taylor.

Taylor was a girl I met online, we started talking and chatting, Skyped each other and I found myself falling for her. It wasn't till 8 months into our friendship did we finally confess to each other. We started to have a long distance relationship. Taylor was my first ever girlfriend and she made me so happy!

My birthday came around a lot quicker than I expected. Senior year was something amazing for me. Many things happen that year.

October 15th. My birthday.

It came in an instant, I told Taylor I was going to tell my mom and she wished me good luck. Years down the road I would question my 18 year old mind as to why I told my mom the way I did, but this is how it went down.

My mom was driving me to school, I was sitting in the passenger side of our truck ( it had now back seats mind you) and I kept starring at my hands. Finally I said "Mom I need to tell you something" so she turned the radio down, "Mom...I have a girlfriend."

I give my mom props till this day, she kept her cool as she continued driving but I notice her body went stiff as I said those words "So you're a lesbian?" She looked at me and I only nodded my head as I looked away. I waited for her to yell at me, to tell me I disappointed er, that I failed her but instead...she surprised me.

"I always knew"

I looked at her, "What?"

"Everyone knew Savannah, we kinda guessed since you where a kid. You did hate anything girl related and would rip the heads off your Barbie dolls. We just knew and waited for you to come out yourself." She laughed at this. I laughed to, I wanted to cry but didn't want to freak my mom out so I just laughed, yet she told me to keep this only between them.

I didn't want to, but I did. Next person we told was my moms current boyfriend since we where living with him under his house. When we told him, I wasn't sure why his opinion matter to me but it did, I was scared he was gonna kick me out but he just said "Well the rules apply to you just as they do with my own daughter, you can't bring girls over with out telling me and you have to keep your door open if you do" I never smiled so much after I heard that.

Time went on, I posted on Facebook I was in a relationship and everyone of my family liked it, soon graduation came and I was out of High School.

Yet it didn't end there.

You see, my older cousin who graduated a year before me was also Gay, but was in the closet all this time. My mom told me after seeing me come out he also finally came out to his own mom. I never knew he was like me, and now every time he came to visit he was just radiating happiness like I never seen before, I was happy I helped him come out.

My Uncle came to talk to me at a family gathering one time, I was with my mom, he sat down across from me and took his sunglasses off to look at me. He told me "There was this girl at my job. She was a hard worker, but everyone kept away from her, kept talking behind her back, calling her such horrid name. All because she was a lesbian. I didn't talk to her either, I just sat there listing to these guys say such horrible this and I didn't do anything"

I was shocked to hear such a thing, my mom gasped and asked what I was about to "What happen?"

He smiled with such pride and joy and looked me dead in the eye "You did Savannah"

I was confused, "me?"

He nodded his head "Since you came out, it opened my eyes to others like you. It helped me see that they are no different than me. They where people too with the same feelings as me. They had a heart just like me and they should be treated differently just because they like the same gender" he chuckled. "One day, I saw the same girl and just said out loud, I was gonna get to know her, and they guys just looked at me as if I was crazy saying 'you know she's a lesbian right?' I told them 'so is my niece and she's just like me and you' So I walked over to that girl and told her 'hello'"

My uncle then went on telling me and my mom that the girl was confused, she had looked around her before she said was he talking to her. It broke my heart to hear this but he continued the story "I told her about you Savannah, and how I wanted to be her friend. She told me herself she was a lesbian and every stayed away from her due to this. I told her I didn't care, that so what she liked girls, I did to. They could look at girls together and just talk" my Uncle said the girl broke down crying into his arms, happy someone finally wanted to talk to her and just accept her for who she is.

Now 20 years old, and single. I like to look back at my road to being where I am now. I was the lucky few who was accepted for being who I am, most aren't so lucky. Not many are accepted by their friends or family but with each passing year, everyone is coming to accept us. You can find happy couples of all kinds being happy just being them.

Even if no one will accept you. I will. I love you for just being you. Others will love you as well. Together, the LGBTQIA will stand as a family. Be Proud of who you are, don't let others tell you other wise.

[admesser]

Hello everyone!

To kick off my new series of interviews with authors, artists, and creators, I want to introduce you to Seth Greenwood and Angela Zhang.  I have been following their work for a couple of years now, and find the story intriguing and the artwork incredible.

Seth Greenwood

Angela Zhang

1) Please discuss your creative background. Who are you, and how did you get involved with your art?

SG: I would love to tell you some quirky little story of how I got involved in writing comics. But I am afraid the answer is very simple. I was a dreamer, a poet, and a blogger when I traveled to South Korea to live for a year. One of my co-workers kept telling me about all of these ideas he wanted to make into comics. At that time I was 27 or so and I didn’t know the first thing about comics, and to be honest I had never even read my first comic book. I was always into reading novels and watching films. You might even say that I was disinterested but I believe I finally decided to do it because a friend needed my help and I felt I had the ability to make it happen. Stories are stories, right? So when I said yes, I jumped into research head first. I learned how to write, and format scripts. I started reading many comics from the past and present, and ultimately I started writing my first script for a P.A. piece called “Covenant”.

AZ:  While I didn’t realize it back then, I was making wordless comics on the back of my mom’s PhD thesis drafts since I was 7 years old. When I grew up,  I thought academia and teaching were the only viable career paths for artists. So I ended up going to art school and then completed a master’s in Art History. I realized that reading theory and writing about art really wasn’t my thing. I ended up working in administration full time for a while. It was during this time that I discovered there are people who will pay you to draw if you were good enough. So I kept working on my art on the side. (I spent a whole year waking up at  5AM before work to practice drawing and I am NOT a morning person hahaha!) In 2014, I quit my job to pursue freelance illustration. It’s been hard, to say the least, but no doubt creatively rewarding. So far I’ve done storyboards, concept art, architecture illustration, product design, book covers and of course comics!

2) How did you two meet and collaborate on the Gale Project?

SG: Long story short? “Covenant” never happened. I decided to try my hand at screenwriting since I had such a bad first experience. I realized quickly that even with the best of friends, partnerships can be very difficult to maintain. One night I posted a snippet from one of my screenplays on a blog and tweeted the link. I never expected to get a reaction but that script reeled in one of my favorite artists to this day! Angela Zhang tweeted me and said that she liked my style and to contact her if I ever wanted to do a noir style comic. I didn’t know if this was an empty gesture, but I immediately replied that I knew just the story for us. The rest is history. Angela and I have known each other for a little over 3 years now and we have been moonlighting Gale ever since.

AZ: My big dream has been to make a long-running comic series. But I’m not a writer.  As an adult,  I really got into comics through the works of Craig Thompson (Blankets) and independent creators like Rich Barrett (Nathan Sorry), Lora Innes (The Dreamer) and Jason Brubaker (reMIND). The first comic that I posted online was a realistic, drama that focused on character acting, mood and atmosphere.  I didn’t think anyone else would be into this kind of story until I came across Seth’s writing online. He has a knack for natural dialogue and I can imagine his character’s emotions through their words. I honestly didn’t think anything would come out of our tweets. But it was his persistence and speed that convinced me, yes, this guy wants to make a comic as much as I do.

3) What is the inspiration for Gale?

SG: Oh wow! A lot! The idea of Gale, whether I knew it or not, first started to form in 10th grade when I wrote a free verse poem about a man at his father’s funeral who had obviously been murdered for some mysterious reason. The rest of the story comes from my experience with the world that I grew up in. The things I noticed that were beautiful on the outside were actually rotting on the inside. I started writing about those things you don’t introduce yourself with and immediately start talking about. Politics, civil rights, class consciousness, you name it. It’s all in Gale, in a quasi-dystopian alternate reality. I don’t intend to present my solution to these issues in Gale. In the end, it is a fictional story that will hopefully both entertain and inspire.

AZ: In terms of art, Seth and I met over Skype where he would describe his vision. Gale’s world is a mix of the old and new in American culture. The vehicles and architecture are based on 1940s design and they coexist with our everyday technology, like cell phones and laptops. When we visit Ned Norman’s mansion, there’s a touch of gothic horror. I researched Hollywood movies between the 1930s and 1950s. My library has a collection of classic films. I would rent Hitchcock and Dracula to see how directors in those days composed dramatic shots, knowing that the output would be in black and white.

4) Please describe the visualization process from script to screen. How do you imagine it as a writer, and how do you imagine it as an illustrator?

SG: Would it sound too unreal if a lot of what Angela does is almost exactly how I see it in my head. It’s almost as if she downloaded my brain onto a Wacom Tablet. But the process is much harder than that! It’s why I am the writer and she is the artist. Every once in a while she will suggest something and most of the time it makes it better or translates better to the comic medium. One thing that I had a problem doing at first, was getting out of the habit of writing scenes and getting into the habit of writing still panels. Angela did a wonderful job showing movement and expression.

AZ: I’m grateful that Seth trusts me and gives me a lot of creative freedom to put his words into comic form. We have  over 50 posts on our Patreon blog detailing the process from script to panel (collecting reference, thumbnailing, layout, word bubbles etc.) To be honest, these days I don’t even think about my process, because drawing Gale has become more intuitive for me. I think what lead to this magical understanding between Seth and I is that we’ve built a solid friendship. If you get to know Seth, you will see that he’s truly caring and generous. We chat almost every day. Seth sends me photos, writing and videos related to Gale and we talk about life too. The more that I think about it, our conversations allow me to have a better understanding of where Seth is coming from and deeper insight into the characters and the world of Gale.

5) Talk about the heart of Gale’s storyline. What challenges does it face?

SG: Angela may want to elaborate, but I believe this sums up the storyline.:

Gale is a drama, mystery and suspense story that draws inspiration from film noir. Rookie attorney Gale Norman is determined to seek out the truth behind his father’s mysterious death. As Gale’s suspicions grow, buried memories of his mother’s disappearance resurface and he refuses to hide from his dark past. With the help of his childhood friend, Laurie Gambill, Gale attempts to solve a seemingly ordinary mystery that may eventually lead him in a downward spiral. Will he uncover the truth to his parent’s demise or will he become further entangled in a web of lies?

As far as challenges? Well here recently my life has been unpredictable. Being a full-time soldier in the US Army and trying to write, update social media and maintain a valuable connection with our audience has been hard to say the very least. We have had to try to remain very flexible. I have had to re-dedicate myself over and over again. It’s something that plagues me but at the same time it is something I can’t and won’t leave.

AZ: Making the characters relatable is one of the challenges that Seth and I are always thinking about. At first, I had a hard time describing Gale to people because the story has many layers. Gale also comes from a wealthy upbringing which is pivotal to the story but  I can’t relate to it.  After I completed the scene where Gale kisses his childhood friend Laurie, I started relating to them in a real way. I thought about how the 20s is an interesting period to explore the loss of innocence. Unlike adolescence, the loss is more of intellectual awakening. In Gale’s case, it’s about dealing with death, discovering the truth about his past, getting friend-zoned by the only one he trusts and feeling alone in the world. As the series progresses, Gale gets caught up in more and more unbelievable situations. I think as long as we’re grounding the story in an emotional truth we’ll overcome the challenge of making the characters relatable.

6) What are some difficulties you have experienced with the project and how did you overcome them?

SG: I’m glad you said “some”! Let’s see here. The decision to publish Gale independently was not always considered. We did that when we realized the publisher would really not have much more to offer us and we wanted complete freedom for the project.

Angela had issues with me not being patient and almost jumping the gun a couple of times before we were ready. That is just me. I am a little too ambitious at times. She was always the voice of reason when it came to the business side of things. A lot of times she had to pull my head out of the clouds.

We have had to push back launch dates because of our day jobs and we have had to cancel convention appearances for the same thing. The way we overcome obstacles is to keep pressing on, remain flexible, and continue to create this wonderful story that’s brought so many people together. It’s persistence, more than anything, it is always persistence.

AZ: I think Seth and I have an interesting dynamic that I’ve come to appreciate. In the beginning, we had a bit of friction because we didn’t understand our working styles. I have to think things through from all sides, create a plan and put a process in place to execute. Seth, on the other hand, will act immediately when he gets an idea. I don’t think Gale would have the following it does today without Seth’s fearlessness, tenacity and enthusiasm to try new things. However, self-publishing a comic to our standards of quality has a lot of finer details that require time and planning. What I love about Seth is that he’s open to feedback, he’s always willing to improve and that inspires me to do the same.

On a personal side, I was very slow at drawing Gale pages in the beginning. It would take me a month to finish a page. Seth probably worried at some point whether I was cut out for this job and he’s been really flexible and patient with the project. Some people told me I should simplify my art for comics. But I pushed myself to keep going in the style I have for Gale and I reinvented my process along the way. I’ve learned that just because you have an ounce of talent, it doesn’t entitle you to anything except hard work. Now I can produce 3-4 pages a month alongside my full-time work.

7) Please discuss your creative process. Do you follow a schedule? Set deadlines? How do you get the creative juices flowing for your project?

SG: I am chaotic! Ask my wife. Despite my military experience, I can be somewhat all over the place. The reason why Angela is much more than the artist and she carries the title co-creator is because she keeps me on point. She keeps us on schedule. I write when I am inspired, I send notes to Angela and forget to save them in the shared file so she does it for me. If it was not for her I wouldn’t have come this far. No other artist would have taught me how to maintain good order in this line of work.  As for creative juices? I read books, watch some character driven NETFLIX shows, and study people and cultures. I love Sociology, Anthropology, and Psychology. One thing that is most important in this process, however,  is reading. To be a great writer, you have to be a reader first!

AZ: I actually have a militaristic approach when it comes to creativity. If you’ve ever read The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, you’ll get where I’m coming from. In the past, I’ve struggled with time management and it has a lot to do with fear and procrastination. I now manage and track my creative time through a pomodoro app. It’s basically an interval timer that alternates between a work and break period. When that whistle sounds for the work interval I’m not checking email or rummaging through social media. The app allows you to export an excel spreadsheet so you can see how long you spent on a task or project. I base my schedule and deadlines around the data and strive to be more efficient over time.

On the other end of the spectrum, I think it’s important for artists to recharge their creative juices to prevent burnout.  Although I’m rigid and structured during projects, I’m the complete opposite when it comes to downtime. I like going for aimless walks, cooking, watching movies, reading manga, and comics and playing video games with my fiancé (who by the way has been super supportive of Gale).

8) What is in store for Gale? When will it be released?

SG: I don’t want to steal Angela’s thunder. Most of this is her brilliance. I will let you take the reigns for this, co-creator!

AZ: As Seth mentioned, we’re going the self-publishing route and playing the long game of making a series one page at a time. Instead of releasing Gale when it’s all done, we’re inviting people to follow our journey of making comics by sharing the process, what we’ve learned through trial and error and how we’re constantly striving to improve. I think that’s more fulfilling for us creators to relate to readers every step of the way then just popping up one day and saying ‘hey here’s  our product, buy it.’

Last fall we completed Chapter 1: The Calm and launched it on Webtoon and we’re also currently posting it panel by panel on Instagram. We’re halfway through Chapter 2: Storm Chaser and aiming to finish it by the end of this year. Next year, we’re going to explore Kickstarter as well as comic book conventions.

9) Do you have anything you would like to add to the article?

AZ:  I want to thank anyone who took the time to read our interview. Although we’re small and at the beginning of our journey, I’m super grateful and touched by all the support that Gale has received.  I also want to give huge thanks to the Savannah Quill for having us and putting all of this together. I deeply appreciate this opportunity to share our thoughts and  process

SG: Same as Angela, thanks! Also, look out for Gale on Webtoon and make sure you stay tuned for a short we have contributed to Red Stylo Media’s newest upcoming anthology; a collaboration of artists and writers paying tribute to the band, Forence + The Machine entitled “Cosmic Love”. The Kickstarter for the main print run will launch sometime this Fall. Just look for the announcement on IG “Stories” or on Twitter!

www.thegalecomic.com

IG: www.instagram.com/thegalecomic/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/thegalecomic

Webtoon: http://tiny.cc/mnwrxy

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/galecomic

©2019 Adam Messer. All Rights Reserved.

Inside the minds of The Gale Comic creator and artist. #indie #author #comicbook #artist #adammesser #sethgreenwood #angelazhang #thegalecomic www.adammesser.net Hello everyone! To kick off my new series of interviews with authors, artists, and creators, I want to introduce you to Seth Greenwood and Angela Zhang. 

[anip-art]

Messenger

Hello! After so so long I’m finally posting another story! This story was co-written with my friend @tomatofox-ship, and beta’ed by @wishfulina and @flautist4ever! Hope you guys enjoy!

AO3          FF.net

USERNAMES (In order of appearance) Lila Rossi: ItsPastaBedtime/WhosThatFoxyLady Chloe Bourgeois: Queen Bourgeois (Admin)/Whatever Chloe's Username Is (Admin) Adrien Agreste: Under Agreste (Co-Admin)/Meow or Never (Co-Admin) Alix Kubdel: LesBeansOnWheels Rose Lavillant: Smells Just as Sweet Nino Lahiffee: DropTheBass Marinette Dupain-Cheng : Bringing DuPAIN/TheOneWhoRisesforMemes Nathanael Kurtzberg: Redheaded Retrospect Max Kante: Max-ium Velocity Sabrina Raincomprix: RainySkies Alya Cesaire: Ladyblogger/All'a'y'all Le Chien Kim: French Dog/Kim-chi Juleka Couffaine: Purple Haired Pansexual Ivan Bruel: RockHard Johnson Mylene Haprele: #whyiseveryonesnameapun

As soon as Nathanael got home from school, he slid into his computer desk and pulled up Skype. The chat was just starting to pick up since this morning, which was fair since they had all been in school. He pulled out his sketchbook, which he had been doodling in during Chemistry, and started talking to his Internet Friends™ while he kept working on one of the designs inside.

When he started doing fashion and design, he hadn’t been thinking of it as fashion design. Fashion design, as most boys his age tended to think, was frilly dresses and girl things. No, he’d stuck his toe in the water by drawing a few costumes for superheroes. Even now, his designs tended to have that flair and extravagance, like something a hero might wear as a civilian. He’d never dare show it to anyone at school--they all thought fashion design was ‘a girl’s job,’ and ‘only gay men would do fashion design.’ Which was preposterous, considering one of the global fashion icons was a very-much-straight (or at least bi or pan, but who knew but him?) man. But he’d stumbled upon this group chat--Central European Time Zone Fashion Club--filled with teens his age talking about fashion. He’d been quiet at first, as usual, but one day daringly sent a few pictures of his superhero costumes. The chat went wild after that, and quickly pulled him into their circle. They were basically the only friends he really had.

He had loved that chat. He loved it even more after Lila Rossi joined. She was a super bold outgoing girl who doesn't take any crap from anyone. She had awesome designs that looked like the stuff that millionaires would wear. Everyone loved her work except Chloe--but she  hates everyone's work. Chloe made it difficult to feel welcome sometimes, but it's impossible to kick the maker of the chat out so they just dealt with it. It was hard for Nathanael at first, but eventually he found her rants about his work hilarious. Most of the time.

ItsPastaBedtime: what’s up French Nerds

ItsPastaBedtime: hon hon hon la baguette

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): oh go back to eating pasta in your gondola

ItsPastaBedtime: yeah sure lemme shove some down your throat first

(Chloe Bourgeois ( Queen Bourgeois ) kicked Lila Rossi ( ItsPastaBedtime ) out of the chat)

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): finally

(Adrien Agreste ( Under Agreste ) added Lila Rossi ( ItsPastaBedtime ) back into the chat)

ItsPastaBedtime: i’m back bitches

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): dammit

LesBeansOnWheels: now now Madame Bourgeois, the daughter of the mayor shouldn’t use that kind of language.

Queen Bourgeois: shut it, Alix

Smells Just As Sweet: can we get along for more than three minutes ever?

DropTheBass: no

Under Agreste (Co-Admin): wow thanks Nino

DropTheBass: just telling it how it is, broham

Bringing DuPAIN: back from school

RedHeadedRetrospect: oh hey same

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): see the name of this group chat?

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): that means we all live in the same time zone

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): therefore, we all get off school at the same time

Max-imum Velocity: well technically

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): quit announcing your back from school or else I’ll kick you

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): shut up Max

Bringing DuPAIN: yeah and Adrien will just add us back

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): ugh you’re right

Under Agreste (Co-Admin): you bet

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): i need someone to be co-admin who’ll lay down the law

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): someone i can trust

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): Sabrina you’re co-admin now

RainySkies: YAY

Ladyblogger: you do realize literally anyone can add people back right

ItsPastaBedtime: I was about to say that

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): shit

LesbeansOnWheels: screenshotted

LesbeansOnWheels: lets see you try to trip me again, Bourgeois

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): doubleshit

French Dog: I leave you guys alone for five minutes

French Dog: and there’s already Discourse

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): go eat your fucking kinchi kim

French Dog changed their name to Kim-chi

Under Agreste (Co-Admin): so did anyone do any actual designing today??

Under Agreste (Co-Admin): because I may or may not have snuck some pics from Father’s photoshoot to show you

Bringing DuPAIN: OOH GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMME

Under Agreste (Co-Admin): but only if someone actually practiced at all today

PurpleHairedPansexual sent five photos

Max-imum Velocity sent two photos

Nathanael sighed and took a deep breath. Everyone else was sharing their work. He took a glance at his sketchbook. None of them were all that great, but he was quite fond of one of his sketches--a suit set that came with a nice cloak. He snapped a photo and sent it before he could convince himself otherwise.

Redheaded Retrospect sent a photo

Bringing DuPAIN sent 10 photos

Under Agreste (Co-Admin): woah mari chill alright I'm sending it

Under Agreste sent 21 photos

Bringing DuPAIN: AAAAA ADRIEN THOSE ARE AWESOME

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): its just what one would expect from THE Gabriel Agreste

ItsPastaBedtime: stfu Chloe he can't hear you stop kissing his ass

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): maybe I just have respect for high quality fashion and their designer unlike some Italians in this chat

DropTheBass: Could you guys chill for once in your life's honesty

Nathanael agreed, they could get out of hand, but he wasn't about to say anything. When those two got to arguing, it was usually best to just stay out of the way.

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): oh my god

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): I just saw all of those designs you sent in and they’re absolutely pitiful

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): I mean just look at Nathanael’s

Bringing DuPAIN: hey shut up, you haven’t sent anything in a month

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): just absolutely trash

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): who would actually wear that anywhere outside of some dumb comic convention

Under Agreste (Co-Admin): um

Under Agreste (Co-Admin): me

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): it looks fake guys i mean come on

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): no one in their right mind would wear something like that in public

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): and that’s the first thing you’ve sent in a week, and that’s what you send?

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): keep at those dumb comics because you clearly won’t get anywhere in fashion

Nathanael sighed, running a hand through his hair as he looked at the computer screen. Another glance at his sketchbook, and all of his fears were found to be true. He‘d drawn five little doodles that day, and had sent the best one out of the bunch, and it wasn’t even that great. It wasn’t practical, and it looked horrible. Too many damn stripes, why did he always go for stripes. And the weird green color was just horrible, all of his designs were horrible. He was about to take a pen and scratch out every single dumb doodle in that book when his computer pinged with yet another notification.

ItsPastaBedtime: stfu Chloe. His design is great and I love it and it looks totally great and maybe the color just needs a small tiny bit of adjusting but it’s freaking beautiful you ignorant musk ox how dare you go on insulting everyone's hard work like that. This chat was supposed to be to support each other while we design, yet here you are trying to bring everyone down. At least we’re working. What have you sent in the past month? Nothing.

RockHard Johnson: that was mean Chloe

ItsPastaBedTime: everyone’s designs have been great. Meanwhile the, what, five you send all look like little triangle dresses that a three year old would draw. You think you’re better than everyone else just because you’re the daughter of the mayor of Paris. Well i’m out of your jurisdiction so your dumb pettiness has no effect on me. You bring others down to make yourself feel better, but all it does is show what a bully you are

RainySkies: whoa whoa whoa Chloe isn’t a bully

ItsPastaBedtime: plus I’ve seen pictures of you online. You wouldn’t know fashion if it jumped from the ceiling and hit you in your pretty little face with a folding chair. Your face is all you’ve got, your face and your father’s dumb political corruption. I haven’t even met you face to face but i can already tell you’re despicable. You suck.

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): yeah well so’s your face

(Chloe Bourgeois ( Queen Bourgeois ) kicked Lila Rossi ( ItsPastaBedtime ) out of the group chat)

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): nobody add her back

To say he was touched by what Lila had done was definitely an understatement. Sure, she and Chloe had fought before, countless times even. But usually, when Chloe started railing on him about his designs and his worth as a fashion designer, people stayed quiet. Maybe a few ‘hey that was mean’ messages, or a weak attempt to change the topic. But no one had gone as far as Lila had just then. Sure, it could be said, she had gone a bit too far. Too far, however, was the most he had ever gotten, and sure felt a lot better than silence, or not far enoughs.

He usually wasn’t one to add people back to the chat. He’d wait for someone else to do it first. Adrien tended to take the task onto himself. If he failed to, and no one else did, he’d usually wait until night to re-invite them. This time, though, as soon as he realized Lila had been booted yet again, he typed the quick command to add her back.

(Nathanael Kurtzberg ( Redheaded Retrospect ) added Lila Rossi ( ItsPastaBedtime ) back to the chat)

Queen Bourgeois (Admin): DAMMIT NATHANAEL

Redheaded Retrospect: thank you

Redheaded Retrospect: for standing up for me

Bringing DuPAIN: yeah go Lila!

After that the conversation kinda simmered down and people left to do homework. Nathanael did most his in class today so he tried to design, but ended up drawing her. He's only seen two pictures of Lila but he still draws her and using it as reference. He wishes he could meet her. Her, Rose, and Juleka were his best and only friends. He's never even seen any of them face to face. On this thought he made a bold move.

He turned back to his computer and started a new conversation. A private conversation between himself and her.

Lila looked away from her homework to see she had three new notifications on her phone, which had caused it to buzz on her desk. Homework could wait a few moments.

Nathanael Kurtzberg ( Redheaded Retrospect ) started a new conversation with you

Nathanael Kurtzberg ( Redheaded Retrospect ) renamed the conversation New Conversation to What DOES the Fox Say?

Redheaded Retrospect: hey. I just wanted to thank you for sticking up for me back in the big chat.

Lila smiled softly and typed back a response.

ItsPastaBedtime : of course. I was sick and tired of her going after you all the time.

Redheaded Retrospect : me specifically?

ItsPastaBedtime ; well, I hate her going after everyone

ItsPastaBedtime : but she seems cruelest to you.Can’t stand it. Not like you ever did anything to her.

ItsPastaBedtime : i think she just doesn’t want to admit your designs are better than hers.

RedHeadedRetrospect: : well that’s debatable, really. Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder

ItsPastaBedtime ; some things are obvious

ItsPastaBedtime : imagine a bright neon green and fluorescent orange jump suit. That’s clearly not a good idea right? Nobody would wear that.

RedHeadedRetrospect: : well, there’s joggers.

Lila let out a laugh at the message. It reminded her of her weird neighbor, who went out every morning, right when people were getting up and getting ready for work, and jogged laps around the neighborhood in fluorescent sweatshirts, sweatpants, gym shorts--she’d never seen him wearing anything that wasn’t an eye-searing color. She was mildly surprised he hadn’t painted his house neon yellow or something. She was pretty sure the only thing holding him back was the neighborhood rules on Exterior Decorations.

ItsPastaBedtime: That’s true. Joggers are a plague to the eyes.

ItsPastaBedtime: Didn’t Gabe come with a sportswear line? If it weren’t so expensive I bet they’d wear that instead.

Redheaded Retrospect: wait oh my god did you just call Gabriel Agreste GABE?!

ItsPastaBedtime: you bet I did. We're besties me and him. Hang all the all time.

Redheaded Retrospect: haha of course.

This is when Nathanael started freaking out. The conversation was awkward and lulling. He wanted to become better friends with Lila or maybe more, but he can barely think of words to say.

ItsPastaBedtime: well, I’ve got homework to do.

ItsPastaBedtime: see you later

Nathanael sighed but typed back his response. He wasn’t sure if she actually had homework, or if she was getting tired of him, and there was really no way of telling.

Redheaded Retrospect: alright, see you

Even after she had finished her homework and eaten dinner with her family, she still couldn’t get that design out of her mind. Nathanael’s design really was amazing, at least she thought so. And she hadn’t announced it to the group yet, but her father was flying to Paris in a few weeks for business and had invited her along. Maybe, with  a few minor color modifications, and cashing in a favor or two with her friend who actually owned a sewing machine…

“Who are you texting?”

Nathanael looked up from his phone and turned to his desk mate. Today it was a nosy girl named Alice, who was currently leaning over to look at where he’d been holding his phone under the table. She had been awfully loud with her question as well--luckily the math teacher was half-deaf, otherwise his phone would have been taken.

“It’s none of your business. And be quiet.” he sighed. She didn’t seem to listen to his request.

“Ooooh do you have a girlfriend, Nathanael?” she asked. Nathanael felt his face heat up.

“None of your business!”

“Does Nathanael have a crushy-crush?!”

“Shut up!” he growled. But it was too late. Mr. Bunting turned around, eyes aflame with fury.

“Alice and Nathanael! Both of you, detention, after school!”

Nathanael groaned and let his head fall onto the desk. He wasn’t getting his phone taken, at least, but now he was stuck at school for an extra hour and a half.

It turned out to be quick and painless. The teacher was just talking, and he was chatting with Lila and the gang. Sharing designs and listening to Chloe's nonsense while Alice read over his shoulder. It was kinda nice. It felt like he belonged.

It was about a week or two later when Lila popped into the group chat with a big announcement

WhosThatFoxyLady: yo guys guess what?

Whatever Chloe’s username is: did you finally decide to quit fashion?

WhosThatFoxyLady: ha you wish

WhosThatFoxyLady: My dad’s coming to Paris for a business trip or some shit next weekend, we’re going to stay for like three or four days

Mr.TomatoHead: oh my god what

TheOneWhoRisesforMemes: oh my god no way you’re coming to Paris?!

All’a’y’all: Girl, we’ve gotta meet up to show you around!

Meow or Never: I’ll see if I can clear up my schedule enough to come see you!

Mr.TomatoHead: oh my god WHAT

#whyiseveryonesnameapun: look like someone’s excited. ; -)

To be fair, Nathanael was excited. He had been dreaming of seeing Lila in person for awhile now, but he’d never thought it would happen until they were much older. Now his wish was coming true, and in a week.

Shit. one week. He had to get his hair cut, pick a good outfit, plan what they would do, oh lord, it was going to be a mess.

Those thoughts were replaced with new ones as soon as they came though, because he realized the likelihood of him seeing her was low. Painfully low. Like might-as-well-not-be-in-the-same-city painful low. Which made it so much more painful. Not only was Lila in the country, she was in the city! Lila, his Lila Rossi was gonna potentially be a walk away. There was only one thing that could fix this. He's just gonna casually message her in a normal way.

Mr.TomatoHead: hey foxy

WhosThatFoxyLady: hello my tomato boy.

WhosThatFoxyLady: we are we today?

Mr.TomatoHead: im great. just wondering where youll be.

WhosThatFoxyLady: in your heart hopefully ;)

WhosThatFoxyLady: you meant in Paris

WhosThatFoxyLady: yeah sorry I have no clue

Mr.TomatoHead: you're always in my heart Lila

She didn't reply after that. They saw each other in group chat but other that they hadn't spoken. Nathanael was miserable , to say the least, panicked thoughts rushing through his head. Had he gone too fast? Had he made things awkward? Gosh, that was no way to confess a crush; over IM, really?! He could do better!

The next day, Marinette and Alya had worked together to create a list of the best places in Paris to visit. They discussed it over the group chat, when and where to meet up so they could all greet Lila and show her their beloved city.

Nathanael breathed a sigh of relief. The two girls, it seemed, had already solved the problem of not being able to see her. Now everyone was discussing gifts to give Lila, so she would remember them and Paris. He mulled over her favorite things in his head. Foxes, the color orange, olives, fashion… what was he going to get her…?

Lila grinned at the group chat as everyone excitedly chatted about where to go and what to bring. She had been hoping she’d be able to see her friends in the city; now it was near guaranteed. Thank God. All that work she’d put into her outfits would have gone to waste otherwise. Especially one she was certainly fond of...

The alarm blared beside him, waking him up with a groan. He ran a hand through his horrendous bed head as he stared at the dark window trying to figure out just why the hell he had set his alarm to wake him so goddamn early in the morning.

Then he remembered. Lila Rossi was probably boarding a flight any moment now, and then she’d be checking into a hotel room and meeting up with them--the entire Fashion Group Chat (or the Meme Green Fashion Team, as Adrien had renamed it)--by the Louvre for a day seeing everything Paris has to offer. He was going to get to meet her-- in person. He’d woken up early so he’d have time to freak out.

After pacing the room and panicking for a full thirty minutes, the sun was rising and he was feeling a bit better. Just a little bit. Enough to focus on doing his hair and grabbing a small breakfast.

Now, the outfit. What would he wear?! He looked good in black and white stripes, but also purple, but also orange?!?! Should he go for casual, formal, preppy, lazy--what was he going to do?! He decided that since none of them know how he normally dresses it wouldn't be weird if he dressed to impress. he looked through his closet for something believably casual, but also would make him look good. He ended up in a weather appropriate blazer jeans combo that wore way too often but whatever he gets compliments on it almost all the time.

Oh God, his nerves were weak as hell today. He’d felt full before, but now he was hungry again, he was burning so much energy through worrying. He was going to need some more toast.

She was listening to her music and sketching out some designs in her sketchbook when her father tapped her shoulder from beside her.

“We’re here, hun,” he said quietly, gesturing to everyone else on the plane gathering their things and getting off. She quickly tossed her things into her carry-on bag and waited until her father was ready, rocking on the balls of her feet. He grinned as he watched her waiting impatiently. “Excited?”

“Yeah, duh, dad! I get to see my friends--and Chloe,” she stuck out her tongue in disgust at the thought of seeing the blonde.

“And that redhead?”

Lila’s cheeks felt like they were on fire when her father waggled his eyebrows at her. “A-And Nathanael--stop looking at me like that!”

“I sure hope you two won’t be up to any trouble while I’m in my business meetings, hm?”

“We’ll be fine, Dad!! We need to check into the hotel now!”

“Well, you’re in quite the hurry,” he said jokingly, but took his briefcase and headed towards the exit.

As soon as they were in the terminal, she sent a text in the group chat.

WhosThatFoxyLady: Guess who just landed in Paris!

Bringing DuPAIN: Oh shit I gotta get ready or I’m gonna be late!

All’a’y’all: But you’re always late.

Bringing DuPAIN: but this is a special occasion!

Lila grinned. Hell yeah, it was a special occasion! Lila Rossi was here to see the sights and kiss redheads--and her hotel already had a view of Paris.

They got their bags and headed out front to catch the shuttle to their hotel. The ride wasn’t long, at least not unbearably so, because her pent-up excitement was making the time fly by.

Nathanael wasn't the first one there; Rose and Kim were already there. It was strange because Kim was was so big it was scary and Rose had the eyes of an anime character. As they got there he noticed those “things” about each of them. Those defining things. Like for Mylene it was her height and colorful hair. Max it was his stereotypical nerd outfit. Ivan was big, bigger than Kim. Sabrina had giant glasses and cute orange hair; the definition of a ginger. Alix had pink hair with one half in a pig tail. Adrien was a model boy, clearly, the damn kid practically glowed. For Chloe most people noticed the hair or the “rich girl” aura but Nathanael was focusing on her weirdly thin lips and her face--she looked like Barbie. Nino’s was his red cap and headphones; he was able to spot him from across the plaza. Juleka was a perfect stereotypical goth. Alya was the definition of “strong independent woman” in the best way. Marinette looked tired like she hadn't gotten a full night's rest in a year. And Lila...

Was wearing his design.

Nathanael’s heart thundered in his chest when he saw the taxi pull up to the plaza, and it damn-near stopped when Lila stepped out, whisking her cape out the car behind her. She’d modified the outfit a little--it was more of an olive-green than the strange lime his color pencil pack had provided him--and had added a pair of brown heels to match. But she looked gorgeous, stunning, amazing…

“Oh my God, Lila! Hi!” Rose squealed, running up.

“Is that Nathan’s design?! You look amazing!” Alya added, following Rose.

“Is that Nathanael's design? Ugh of course you would pick his to wear.” Chloe said, trying to hide a grin as Sabrina shadowed her, openly smiling.

“Good to see you too Chloe.” Lila said. “It's good to see all of you face to face!” She finished as Rose let her go from a hug that Lila pulled her back into as everyone else piled into a giant hug. Some people were crying.

Eventually they let go and started wandering the city all of them saying things about various buildings that they had connections with, sometimes taking breaks because a lot of the girls were in heels. It was perfect except for Nathanael hanging in the back. She wanted to talk to him alone. She needed to talk to him alone. It's all she could really think about that this might be her only chance to see him and he has hardly spoken.

She let herself fall back in the group until she was close, then leaned over. “Hey,” she greeted. Nathanael’s face erupted into a mad blush and he quickly looked away.

“H-Hey,” he stammered out.

“Oh, not as charming in person as you are over text, are you?” she teased. He blushed more before grinning.

“I-I mean, do you want me to be?”

“You’re just… you’re being quiet. For a second I thought you weren’t excited to see--”

“O-Of course I’m excited to see you! I just--I am--I was--well, I’m--shy.”

“I can see,” she said with a giggle. He pouted a moment before hesitating.

“...you really liked that design, didn’t you? To wear it here in the middle of Paris.” he asked quietly, brushing a bit of hair from his eyes. She smiled.

“Of course. I loved it. It may not be Chloe’s style, but her designer wear can be a bit plain. I like my clothes to have a bit of flair, if I weren’t too shy.”

Nathanael laughed a bit. “You? Shy?”

“Hey, I’m not as shy as you are, tomato, but this fox is still a bit shy. I can’t exactly wear a cape and heels to school.” she grinned, flourishing her cape.

“So… it’s what you would wear, if people didn’t judge so much, and you had the money and budget and confidence to do so?”

“...yeah. Like that.”

Nathanael smiles. “Well, this was really a nice surprise. I’m really glad you’re here, foxy.”

“Me too, tomato boy,” she looked up as they reached the Eiffel Tower, smiling as she took the red-head’s hand in her on before kissing him on the cheek. “Me too.”

[itsjayyyy]

March 20, 2019 8:30 am

Alright I’m in a much better state of mind now. It’s been an astronomically long time since I’ve given an actual update on my life, not just venting. wow, just checked back at my last few updates and i really haven’t written almost anything about this semester, but So Much has happened.

okay so first of all: i switched majors. again. so I’ve done a lot of reflecting, about my whole plan for life. social work seemed like a good field for me because I want to help people, right? but in cps, you’re not always working with people to help them, a lot of the time is spent working /against/ your client to help their kids, who are often too young to understand what’s going on. You’re basically always fighting; a lot of posts on the social work subreddit are all about how to deal with clients who are uncooperative, or yell at you, etc. I want to state that mom is wrong when she says I’m “terrible with people,” I’m actually quite easy to get along with as long as you don’t purposefully seek to offend. But I am terrible with people who try to kick up shit all the time. I mean, I can barely handle dealing with an annoyed guest at starbucks, how am I supposed to spend the rest of my career dealing with that times, like, 100? And yeah, I know I always say that I can totally live on a small income, but man I sure do love the security of having a nice savings account. And donating to online charities is practically a hobby of mine, so having a big income would make it a lot easier for me to live the life of that rich person who pays off 100 gofundme’s for medical costs every month. 

And I’ve come to realize that the atmosphere of a class matters more than anything in terms of how well I’ll do. Not to sound arrogant, but I’m smart enough that I can pass any class that I try, I just need to put in effort. And effort comes a lot easier with a good atmosphere. The reason why I failed comp sci the first time was because the class had no interaction whatsoever. I mean, it was online and over the summer, and the professor gave us weekly emails telling us what assignments were due that week but he stopped doing that halfway through the semester so I just forgot about the class tbh. I felt so disconnected. And frankly, I’ve felt that way about stem since high school when I was the only girl and was always singled out because of it. That just made me go into college with a negative mindset. Even retaking comp sci was only originally for some stupid grade forgiveness so I could keep my scholarship. But this semester is just...different. My professor is just so lively, in a way that I’ve never had a stem class be. He starts off every class with “good evening everyone, it’s another day in paradise here at ucf in orlando, florida” (and sometimes he adds on “and some day you all will realize that” which tbh sounds kind of like an ominous threat to me) and throughout the class he’s always joking around, we can ask questions in class through his own website, we have a discord group to talk about the assignments that the TA is also in (and he shared pics of his dog once), all that stuff. Our professor also tells us about all the other resources we have, like supplementary instruction, tutoring (somehow those are two separate things), “the cave” (which is a room i think in HEC that is just generally inhabited by random comp sci students who hang out and can help with assignments), office hours not only for him but also his 2 TA’s. I’ve never been to any of those physical places but it’s nice knowing that I have a support system.

I know it’s the atmosphere and not just me trying to work harder, too, because I really walked into that class at the start of the semester already hating it. I gave it the last section of my 5-subject notebook specifically for how little I cared about it. (To me, calc was my priority. And yet I’m coasting by in comp sci with a 99 and a 100 on the first two exams (class averages being 72 and 68 respectively), while the same stale, disconnected atmosphere of calc has earned me a 52.) Last semester I ended with a 47% (written in as a D though, not sure if that’s because my professor wanted to give me mercy or if it’s because he wanted the pay raise associated with having your students pass). Comp sci just became a fun subject again. Coding really is my favorite thing.

The final push was a post I saw on the social work subreddit. It was about a case manager (what I wanted to go into) who had done a home visit and was unable to hide her disgust of having roaches crawling near her. I absolutely cannot. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back, I realized I needed a sanitized office to work in. Before I made the official change, I talked to my coworker shayna about it, because she’s 26 and currently in her last semester of her AA, and next semester she’s hoping to transfer to ucf to get her bachelor’s. She said it is kinda stressful to take so long to get a degree, but as long as you get it, it’s okay. I know that now that I’ve wasted 2 years, I’m probably gonna graduate a semester late, but it’s okay because iris did too. And rose has been at valencia for 4 years and she’s still working on her 2 year degree so...

Wow that took a lot of words to say. Back to how my classes are going: I did the math, and I would need to get an 80 on all 3 of my remaining calc exams to get a C overall. Yeah I’m kinda pissed at myself for figuring out I like comp sci in the middle of the semester, when i already got an F on the first 2 exams. Before, my mentality was “I’m just taking this class for grade forgiveness, I can literally get a D and raise my gpa, and then I’m never going back to stem,” but now that I’m back in stem I need to get a C or better. I mean, I could get a D and then retake the class, but the college of engineering only allows for 3 tries on a class so I would really be on my last attempt before I’m completely kicked out and have to find a new major, wasting even more of my time. I know I would absolutely kill it on the third attempt, but man I sure am gonna hate myself for letting it get to that. It’s not an issue of “the material is too hard for me,” but rather “i didn’t care when I really should have.” I never studied for the first 2 exams and got over half of it right on both, imagine what I could do if i did study. Anyways, 80 sounds manageable, right? I mean, it’s the low end of a B. But this class is cumulative, to in order to do well on the next exam which is literally next week, I have to study literally the entire course instead of just these last few units. AND I need to go even farther back and study trig, since I never took a formal class on it and that’s why I failed calc the first time. It’s been 4 years since I looked at the unit circle.

I’m trying to cut back on how much time I spend on my phone. I really think that’s the biggest detriment to me, that I always feel the need to look at it. Definitely using the forest app more often. All the time I spend cycling between the 3 social media apps I use, where I just look at the same posts over and over again every day, could be better spent studying or doing something else productive. 

In comp 2, we’re doing a semester-long individual research project about anything rhetoric-based. It has to be multimodal, eg not just “what’s the symbolism in this classic novel” but rather about society and media. A lot of people chose stuff like “how do women’s magazines push certain beauty standards” or “how is greek life (sororities, not the country) portrayed in american media and is it really accurate,” but because the professor stated that we should be “creating new knowledge and building upon an academic conversation,” I tried to come up with something that nobody had done yet: I chose “what are the motivations of the incel community?” And yeah, it’s so unique that when we had to do a literature review of what other scholars have already said about the subject, there were literally no academic journals on it. My literature review is just about the layout of a subreddit’s community and how the members interact (which has been discussed before), and from there I’m going to apply that to the incel community. I’ve done “research” by reading through their posts. Wow I just tried to ctrl+f this blog for “incel” and only one instance came up, from like november last year. It’s crazy, this has been kind of a big deal for me this semester. You know all those self-hating posts about my appearance recently? Well, I walked into this project thinking “man incels are stupid they just need to stop being entitled and care about their appearance a little and maybe then they could get a girl” but as I read through the posts I realized I was wrong. A lot of these men have issues that can’t be easily fixed, like being short, balding too young, just general bad face structure, and because of that people would instantly judge them. One guy even talked about how he had cerebral palsy and needs to walk with a cane, and his super handsome brother’s girlfriend was super patronizing to him. Frankly, a lot of their posts spoke to me. I mean, before I had braces I had a really recessed chin and while everyone said “oh I didn’t even notice,” you could tell that it made me less attractive and hence why nobody has ever asked me out. Not saying it’s the only cause, but you’d be lying if you said looks didn’t matter. Especially the posts about being considered uglier than their siblings, that really hit home for me. it’s like, I see their pain and I know how badly it hurts, but at the same time as a woman I’m obviously going to disagree with their response. When women were given harsh beauty standards, we took two routes: either try to improve artificially (makeup and plastic surgery), or work to dismantle it (body positivity movement). Men, who have always been a little entitled, just blame others. I feel like if incels started an actual body positivity movement for men, we could really go somewhere.

Damn, its been so long since my last genuine update that frankly I’m not sure where to go from here. Like so much has happened and I can’t really pick out anything that seems particularly noteworthy after 3 months. I think I’m gonna end this update here, then, and just promise to give more frequent updates from now on so I can go into more detail. Today I’m going to write an email for the future (like i try to a few times a year) to rehash the whole major change (since my last letter was all about how i just switched to social work), then do the comp homework, then study for calc I guess.

[theramblingonesie]

Through The Lens of a Juice-Bruiser

It’s incredible how quickly one’s life can change when they start saying yes.  Granted, I’m almost always saying yes, so shit’s almost always getting weird.

My yes’s have brought me back to Mexico, where I’ve been met with a lot of no’s, some radical gear-shifting, and a lot of time-outs. This seems to be the relationship Mexico and I have worked out with each other.  While in time-out, I’ve had a lot of time to think about who I am now, who I’m becoming, and what I want at this stage of life.  This kind of reflection isn’t particularly out of the norm for me, but with this current quietness in my environment, the lack of distractions have given volume to the truth in how unprepared I am.

Saying you want or are going to do something is not enough.  You need to be aligned with it down to your core.  In the next few years, I wanna do some big things.  But how am I going to be able to do big things when I think and feel so small?  With all of these dreams, plans and ambitions, why am I allowing so much space for self-sabotage? How can I be in service to the healing and betterment of others when I’m my own worst Babadook?

I’ve been binge-reading/watching/listening to all things birth-related while I go through my doula certification.  I’m geeking the eff out on this subject.  One of the amazing places the research has taken me is into the idea of conscious conception.  Real nifty stuff.  And where *that* took me was to a sharp detour right into healing my own social and sexual trauma.

Barf.

No, actually, it’s really good. I’m ready.  In a couple of days I’ll publicly post my other blog that I wrote while leading up to this point.

I found a woman named Layla Martin.  Look her up. She’s this happy, real-talk, badass sex educator who is doing good things in the world to help all folks of all preference and orientation heal themselves and live more present, ecstatic lives.  I’m not usually, if ever, one for guru-types.  I think 99.9% are shams and they usually make my skin want to turn into snakes that eat each other and then die.  But this woman keeps it so authentic, and maintains her own vulnerability in a way that I can super get with, and so I totally encourage everyone to check her out.

She offers a series of exercises on self-love and confidence, which I really, reallyreallyreallyREALLY need. With the peace, space and personal freedom I feel when I’m traveling, I thought now would be a great opportunity to try and develop some new habits, so I’ve been trying to do yoga every morning and then meditate while applying some of her techniques.

One of them, a very commonly known one that’s been used forever by every therapist known to this universe, is looking at yourself in the mirror and saying “I love you”.

EWWWWW NOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYY

I CAAAAANNN’TT

NOT THAT OOONNNEE PLEEAASSEE DON’T MAKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sigh.

I’ve been putting that one off. But this morning I knew I had a long day of being out in the world, and had no desire to battle my beastly anxiety in public, so I broke out the big guns and did all of the damn exercises.  I ate my chocolate and banana, drank water, did yoga, then sat down to meditate. After a few minutes, I opened my eyes, looked up into the mirror and said, “I love you.”

Omg, it felt awful.

“Who fucking does shit like this?  This is some rock bottom BS.  I’m like that neurotic middle-aged man who just got fired for being a drunk, and his wife left him, and he’s trying to put himself back together from his mom’s couch. I’m not that guy!”

“Oh yeah? Who is that guy?” the little voice in my head asked.

“Pathetic.  People who boast about loving themselves are weak and arrogant.”

“Wow. Wow…”

“Don’t judge me!”

“Okay, let’s play the mirror game. When you’re in a disempowered place, how do you view yourself?”

“Weak and arrogant.”

“Interesting.”

“NO IT’S NOT.”

“Sounds like your fears are trying to trick you out of feeling confident, because you might actually stop sabotaging yourself and have to live a healthy, fulfilling life. We can’t have that now….”

“Crap. Okay, I’ll do the exercise.”

I backtracked and tried a different exercise to lead up to that one.  It was a visualization of my younger self, and how I would tell her that I love her.  Unexpectedly, I started crying.  I was crying for how hurt I was, and for how relieved I was to hear kind, compassionate words from myself.  When I opened my eyes, I tried again.  

“I love you”, I said. And I could see in my eyes that I meant it. It wasn’t like those times in the past where I’ve gone through the motions of the exercise, like someone who is at the end of a relationship but doesn’t know how to get out.  This was genuine, and it shocked me.  I repeated it until it reached every piece of me, and I then I was ready to begin my day.

I floated off to the farmer’s market to get some fresh veggies. I felt light, I felt sweet, I felt calm and totally at ease in my body.  Food is magic to me, so going to the market is like praying.  I get stupid excited about kale and tomatoes every time like it’s my first time.  I was even a good little shopper and returned the glass bottles from the juice I bought the week before.

Or so I thought.

Everything was going so well.  I was just about to give the vendor my money for the new juice, and SMASH!!!! My purse had apparently hit a bottle on the table while my back was turned, and glass and blueberry juice went everywhere.  The people around fell quiet.

I wanted to die.

All of my work, all of that self-love, coaching on how to hold yourself in compassion when you feel shame or social awkwardness: DESTROYED.

I froze. I made weird nervous puppy sounds.  The vendor told me not to worry about it, so I ran away, and spent the next 20 minutes emotionally tearing my guts out and running them through a meat grinder while my brain manifested 1,000 school children pointing and laughing at me.  I kept kicking myself for being a stupid American, how people like me are the reason why the world especially hates white Americans.  How everyone thinks I’m an idiot because my language skills are poor, but now I’m also clumsy and careless on top of it. Dogs would walk by and my head would say “that dog won’t even look at you because it knows you’re Satan.”

Eventually I stood up. When I ran away, I ran to the furthest end of the market, so I had to go all the way back through to leave.   I reminded myself to chill out and to start over. I faked my body language until my attitude caught up with it: shoulders back, soft face, deep breath, gentle walking. By the time I got to the end, a table with sweet little potted plants caught my eye.  The vendor was incredibly kind, and he smiled brightly while he enthusiastically told me all about his gardening practice.

“Right,” I reminded myself. “You’re allowed to accept kindness.”

After I paid, he asked me if I like mandalas.  Curious, I said yes.  He picked up a beautiful little stone that he had hand-painted, and offered it to me as a gift.

On the most basic level, this was a very sweet gesture that I deeply appreciated, especially after the violent lashing I had just given myself over juice.

(Juice. C’mon.)

(Okay, it was never actually about juice, but still, c’mon.)

On a greater level, this moment of kindness felt like a tiny kiss from the universe, like when you’re a little kid who falls off her bike, and your mom picks you up, kisses the little scrape on your knee, and cheers you on when you hop back up and keep riding. It was a good moment to understand how deeply I emotionally abuse myself; how downright mean I am.  No wonder I attract assholes and shitty situations into my life.  My most important line of defense is flipping me the middle finger and pissing in my lemonade!

I went home and posted about my new pet plant.  It barely got any traction online.  My brain went back into turbo-hate mode.  “Nobody likes you; why do you try to take up space?”

Omg, self! Stop!

I grabbed a book, took my dress off, and laid out on the terrace in the sun.  I didn’t want to try any exercises.  I just wanted to recalibrate on my own as a normal human. I reminded myself of all the risks I’ve taken in the past couple years, how my life is abnormal, and how painful/confusing/disorienting it can be to separate yourself from your former life and the friends in it.  I reminded myself that I chose to change, even though this choice didn’t feel like much of a choice if I wanted to be true to myself. If I want this change to be worth it, if I’m serious about answering the call, then I have to figure out a way to stop being a bully to myself so I can start truly living.  I reminded myself that I don’t have to be the best, or the coolest, or the most impressive.  I don’t actually owe anyone anything.  Right now, I just have to feel confident that I will lead myself to safe, healthy choices, and that I’m worthy of inhabiting my body and the spaces it delivers me to. That’s enough.  Everything else will fall in line.

I got up and made my way to an alternative, underground art collective that was having an art sale event. Even though my inner little sad dude tried to say it was okay if I stayed home, I knew it was important to go. My going to this event was an exercise in self-love.  I was ready to meet other local artists.  I wanted to stand in front of something beautiful, something inspiring.  I wanted to meet and chat with other women, and other weirdos.  I was ready to move outside of the current trend of only hanging out men who are drunk and lie in hopes of fucking me; playing another round of “let’s trick the stupid gringa”.  I was ready to socialize because I’m excited to, not just because I’m lonely.

I went, and it was amazing. I was surrounded by art of all mediums, and the beautiful minds that created them.  People were incredibly friendly, and I got several cards and phone numbers.  I spoke mostly to other women, which was such a relief.  I told one vendor about “The Slutcracker” and “pussy galaxy” from back in Boston when I saw her stickers of people in various explicit positions of having sex with the night sky, and she squealed so loudly with joy that it made me feel like I could relax and be my authentic self in this space.  On my way out, one of the organizers told me that I should come hang out at the collective during the week and see if there’s any way I’d want to get involved.

Again, a kiss from the universe.  I took the time to be kind, follow my happiness, and I was rewarded with a beautiful, fulfilling afternoon that gave me a glimpse into the incredible life I could continue building here if I remain in my truth, and in love.

Because here’s a cool thing that sounds so basic and cliché, but is rather profound in action—

When you love yourself, you can love and accept others.  

Sometimes, however, like an SSRI for depression, we need a little outside love to get over the hump and get inspired.  Meaning, you don’t need high self-esteem to know love, but boy howdy does having it deepen the experience.  Self-worth is magical for transforming co-dependency to true love.

When I got home, I flopped down on my bed, exhausted and starving.  The amount of energy I had spent trying to pull my shit together and socialize had left me happy, but also totally depleted.  I pepped myself up enough to walk downstairs to check the broth I had made the night before.  I had already ordered takeout because the idea of cooking seemed impossible, but next thing I knew, I was cooking a new soup.  Every time I opened the fridge, I saw another ingredient that made me so excited. I greeted them like they were beloved friends.

“Eee!! Hi Rosemary! Yay, hello Beans!!! Oooo, Lime, lookin’ good, lookin’ good. TOMATOES, YOU ARE FABULOUS!”

I do this. I’m constantly thinking outloud and talking to inanimate objects. Sometimes I tell myself it’s because maybe I’m a Buddhist or something and believe there’s spirit flowing through all things.  But Buddhists probably don’t stop in the middle of a room and honk for no reason. It feels great. Try it.

5 minutes before my delivery arrived, I realized I had whipped up a glorious soup.  Oops…kinda.  I found myself back in the space I was before The Great October Juice Tragedy, where food was magical.  Each ingredient I purchased was done so with special care, with consciousness, and excitement for how it would taste.  I don’t have much money, so every bit was deliberate.  Making that soup became less about physical nourishment, because I already had food on the way.  It was about a joyous celebration of good choices; each choice, each ingredient being another gesture to love myself.  I didn’t feel guilty about the abundance because none of it was a waste.  Now I have yummy soup leftovers to look forward to without the effort of cooking this week.

Another exercise Layla suggests is to do something, every day, where the action becomes an exercise in self-love.  She compares it to going to the gym and working out.  Whether it’s lighting a candle, putting on your clothes for the day, or sipping your coffee—with each motion, say “I love you” to yourself.  I decided to do that with soup.

Slurp. I love you.

Sluuurp. Oh man, YUM. I freaking love you!

Sluuurp! Ahhh. Yeah. I love you.  Thank you for such a great meal.  That was really kind and thoughtful.

I ate my delivery sandwich, too, heh.  I think I needed the calories because today was exhausting. I learned a lot, observed a lot, and I look forward to continuing this work so that I can keep getting out of my own way, stop putting up with garbage, and have the energy to do what I gotta goddamn do.  I expect to still have some rough patches and tough days ahead, but that’s to be expected when you’re rewiring 20+ years of unhealthy thought.  While I’m practicing this in the emotional realm, this is truly an exercise in neuroplasticity.  That ish takes time.  Whether things are “good” or “bad” is less pressing for me right now than simply being clear: setting the intention, and digging in to do the work to follow through.  When I’m clear, I see results.  When I’m clear, my muck falls away to create a channel that love can course through. Love manifests itself as focus and care. Also when I’m a clear channel for love, I feel connected to my environment and the people therein.  Being kind, being compassionate, dedicating to learning, and being aware of my carbon footprint come naturally, because I can feel the web.  What happens out there tugs on me, too.  When I’m aware of this web, I can see my path, and that’s when dreams become reality.

That sounds oversimplified. Don’t approach this in an oversimplified way.  Make room for the journey to be one hell of a mother fucking for real for real journey. Find peace in being wrong. You’re totally gonna be wrong at some point/s, haha.

*hug*

If you suffer from negative self-talk like I do, I hope that my own stumbling through this helps you to know that you’re not alone.  If you want to go look in the mirror and cry and say “I love you” to yourself, I highly recommend it.  It’s gonna feel super weird.  But just know, there’s another little weirdo (me) out there somewhere who is really proud of you and not judging you for it.  Reading back over this, I’m noticing all the different times and ways I mention self-love. Maybe I’ll start journaling a daily self-love log to keep count, and try to fill that jar up like a piggy bank. Let me know if you do, too!

I think if we’d all love ourselves just a little bit more, genuinely and fully, there’d be a whole hell of a lot less douchebagery in the world.

But even with that,

There’s still a chance that you will crash into a table of juice.

Deal with it.

Special thanks to my goofy bf for always supporting me (even though I wish he’d make fun of me more), and for giving me this silly blog title.  If you want to learn more about Layla Martin, visit https://layla-martin.com

[eminperu]

But, I Only Cried Once: Settling into expat life

I've now been in Peru for what has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster of a week and a half. I think the saga might be better told and a series of peaks and valleys; it's the feelings, not the timeline, that I'm really trying to capture here. Valley: at the time of our last post, that old friend that loves to linger like a fucking Karen around us twenty-somethings--self-doubt--was just beginning to trap me in the corner of my party. What the hell was I doing here? I haven't had a single moment of my life not essentially planned for me, with clear expectations since birth. Hell, I haven't even not been in a school every September since I was six. I moved to an entirely new city on a new continent without any sort of program or safety net. This matters for several reasons: I have no set way to make friends, no set way to make money, no one looking out for me to ensure that things can't go ALL the way wrong. I am ultimately entirely responsible for myself, and lots of decisions I make come with a healthy dose of good faith and a sprinkle of risk, sometimes with an "oh shit" kicker. Peak: THINGS ARE CHEAAAAAAAP. As we explore more around our neighborhood, I find that the streets are littered with little markets and restaurants. We can easily grab a meal for about 8-10 soles, which comes out to be a bit over $2. Though there isn't a great selection of groceries, it's definitely adequate and we are able to cook fairly healthy and definitely delicious meals pretty cheap. Valley: A few days after arrival, my computer stops charging. Before anyone (everyone) starts lecturing me on 110 vs. 220 voltage and I have to threaten to shove an adapter up your ass: COMPUTERS HAVE BUILT-IN VOLTAGE CONVERTORS. I have only dropped this computer ONCE in it's life and that was from a height of about 1.5 feet. I've made a conscious effort to not destroy this one, guys. I take it to the Mac store and--thank God--find someone who speaks English. However, he uses said English to tell me they'll need my computer for up to 10 business days, and he's not sure what's wrong with it. Ten business days is a lot of days when everything you do depends on a computer. Peak: I walk the four or so miles home from the computer store and get to explore Lima. It feels cathartic. I'm asked directions to the church by a local woman (LOL on so many counts) and am able to communicate with several of the men who work in our condo building. I find a big grocery store that has American facewash for a reasonable price. Vaaaaa-aahhh-aaaaah-ley: Because I am sans computer, Meygan lets me use her iPad. In fact, peak-within-a-valley, Meygs and Mark are so nice and let me use their stuff for everything. I plug it in with a new plug-in I bought here. It charges. I plug it in with that same plug-in but in my room. It stops charging. CRY COUNT MOVES UP TO 1. If everything I touch could stop blowing up that'd be so cool. I have to prepare for an interview with VIP Kid--an online English teaching program--without any sort of electronics available to me. This is when I start really feeling on my own and out of my element. Who let me do this? WHY IS NO ONE WATCHING ME?! Peak: I go to a bar in Barranco (hipster district) for Mundo Lingo, a language exchange party. I meet a new Peruvian best friend--he's an official translator--and he helps me with my Spanish/general knowledge of Lima. After he leaves, I make another Peruvian friend (as well as some German friends) and we go to a really cool bar directly over a pebble beach and drink Piscos. Double Peak: I get passed straight through (no second mock class) to become a VIP Kid teacher! I will now be making American money to teach Chinese kids while in Peru (and in my pjs). This is a big stress relief, as I imagine I'll only have to teach about 10-12 twenty-five minute classes to pay my rent each month. Triple Peak: I send in my resume for a job at an English pub. I am called in for an interview the next day. The interview consists of an incredibly nice Peruvian co-owner telling me the logistics, handing me a tshirt, and telling me to come back at 7pm to start my first shift. I work with a hilarious and hungover British girl, a beautiful and kind Venezuelan girl, the most mellow Brit I've ever met, an incredibly kind kitchen staff of two, and my manager, Jimmy. Jimmy is a typical lad from England, argumentative, complains a lot, and is too kind to successfully kick anyone out of the bar. I like him. It's pretty crowded the first night, but we're arguably overstaffed. I meet an EXUBERANT Chinese-American boy from San Francisco and his friend who has lived here after moving from Georgia (state, not country, I clarified) for 9 years. I get free food at work and just have to mix simple drinks and hand out beers. There is an Australian football game on (WOW, what a sport, scantily clad huge men tackling each other with little shorts and even less rules, highly suggest giving it a watch) and we have some really fun live music. The bar technically closes at 3, but almost everyone is there til four and the band and regulars stay and hang out with the staff until almost 6 am. I'm not too tired, though, because I'm so excited to have found new friends and a cool spot to hang out while making money. Valley: Traffic in Lima is absolutely insane. It takes 45 minutes for me to get to work and 15 minutes for the uber to even arrive. Factor in a large thumping sound and a resulting stop alongside the road and I'm five minutes work for my first day of work. [It definitely doesn't matter, though. I'm day-of hired and no one even knows my last name]. Also, crossing streets is a dangerous game. I generally find people who look like they live here and scamper behind them like a lost duckling. Infrastructure and transportation is not Peru's strong suit. Peak: Not having my computer forced me to actually start writing my book. Well, to be fair, I started writing on my Eurotrip, but I really just focused with character development and all the ideas that were spilling out of me at the cracks with no cohesive storyline. It was going to be a play (it still might be) but now, I think I wrote my first actual chapter of my novel. I guess I don't need to end with pros and cons because my whole post was about them, but I will add: there are SO MANY PARKS HERE. It's awesome. It's also been sunnier than last week, so I'm very into the idea of exploring outside more. Goals: Ride in a tiny can (typo for van, but I'm leaving it because it also applies). Lima has tons of these little tuk-tuk type vans. Some of them even have lights under them at night, and I imagine us getting into a 90s street race when that kinda underglow. Also, buy supplies for my new virtual classroom. Word on the street is that mail is awful here, so this could be a mini-valley. Cry count: 1

[relationshipsattherefinnest]

CHAPTER 4 MEETING THE PARENTS I liked him so much at this point I thought it would be a great idea for him to meet my parents. I was so nervous and scared so many thoughts were going through my head what if my parents didn't like him or thought he was not good enough. But I knew he was worthy because he actually cared. Like they day of his birthday day before mine my ex-best friend frustrated me so bad at lunch that I was crying during my third block which was yearbook and they all where giving me a birthday celebration it was so sad My teacher. Mrs.Sam calmed me down but I still went to his third block got him out of class just so he could hold me. I was so use to him making me feel better he was they only person I wanted to talk to. It was more than just her pissing me off school was stressing me out and I was stressing out about him meeting my parents.    The thing that made this even more, nerve racking about him meeting my parents is he wanted to get high at this football game before he came so he would be relaxed. I begged him not too because my mom is like a bloodhound when it comes to smells that would have gone so bad. Anyways he was coming to my kick back I invited a few of my friends and it was chilled however he was the last one to show up my party was from 5pm-11pm and he showed up 10:15 but he was the only one that bought me a gift and I loved it. he got me a dark purple mac lipstick Cyber my dad hated that color on me but I loved it because he took the time to pick it out for me at the mac counter. He also got me my favorite candy milky ways and a chipotle gift card I was so happy. But the night went ok I got dared to kiss him and it was a cute little peck and he actually liked it. however there was a lot of things that went wrong that night my so called best friend told me she would get me a hello kitty birthday cake for my birthday for free because her sister does bomb cakes then she goes and charges me 35.00 and that was supposed to be a gift to me that cake was so nasty and everyone talked about her and her stank attitude when she left. She tried to call me out along with mary when joe got there because it seemed like I was flirting with my guy best friend Jon but i wasn't that's just how me and Jon are we have known each other for years and we love each other he's a true friend no matter who I date or talk they will know he’s going be in my life so just understand I don't have feelings for him like that he's like family. anyways that after everyone left my parents told me how much they liked joe and I explained everything he bought me then my dad hit me with the really like this boy don't you all I could do is blush and go to my room and post it all over snap chat on top of the beautiful picture we took together. then I called him cried to him and then we talked he understood and I started to fall for him more at this point he's everything I could ask for. CHAPTER 5 FIRST TIME I SAW HIS TRUE COLORS My friends thought it was time for him to ask me out. I wasn't too sure about it because I know he wasn't really looking for a real relationship for his senior year and he had never really had a real relationship before all of this was so new and different to him so I had to show him a lot. A when we first starting talking he told me about once he graduated went to the military and moved to New York (queens) he wanted to become a man hoe and just experience the world. Every time he would talk about moving up there I would get chills because I know it wouldn't work for him and he is way too nice for a New York City. But I brought it up one night on face time to him to see how he really felt about me and if I have influenced him not to be a man hoe. He shut me down and the idea completely so I went I few days without talking to him. But see this is my thing you have to like going out and actually talking to females to be a man hoe, not unless you plan to do online dating and that's just dangerous in its self. but anyways I go on my friend jasmine snap chat and see her sitting on his lap at some kick back which made me very upset I was ready to go get my friend Jessica's car and run them both over. You're supposed to be my friend why are you sitting on my boo's pretty much my boyfriend's lap. The other day there was a lap sitting indecent in the yearbook room after school. So I'll explain that situation its kinda funny. So I and she were play fighting about something the night before and she was talking about getting payback at me. So that's when I and joe were in the yearbook room and I was standing in front of him and he was poking my butt yes poking with one finger like I was a toy or something. So he got a little excited you know down there. Then jasmine Jessica and Kayla busted up in the room and jewel jumped in his lap like yeah payback then when she actually felt it her face was priceless she was so uncomfortable after that and never liked talking about it to this day. she didn't have a boyfriend at the time they were all getting a what we call lit before one of the football games at the kick back. Most seniors go get lit before games at North point it's like slight tradition. She didn't know I was mad at him but he knew and didn't say anything she posted it as a joke but it made me so angry I could have killed them both. So I didn't talk to him until thanksgiving day then he was giving me the cold shoulder like I did something wrong so we got on FaceTime he thought I was made because he wouldn't officially make me his girlfriend so I had to call him out and told him I was mad because for one you knew jewel was my friend and two that I was already irritated with you three you go ahead and let her sit on your damn lap!!! Then let her posted it on snap chat knowing I was going fucking see it, yeah you really busted have been on something. or it must just spell stupid on my forehead.So, of course, he hit me with the I'm so sorry I didn't know it was that I won't do anything like that again. I actually like you. so, of course, I forgave him and we made up and everything was going well would have to say. It was coming up on the Christmas break and my mom wanted to have a Christmas party but she really wanted him to come because she knew how much I liked him and I really wanted him to get comfortable with my family because I wanted him to be in my life for a while. Anyways my mom moved the party up because I knew he had to leave for Florida the 19 and that's when she first wanted to have the party. But she moved it to the 12 and that was a lot on me and her because that was my last day of driving school had to run home and help her cook and all that then he comes back and says he is leaving the 10th. so I'm hurt and mad because he knew I was making all of these changes and he waits to the last minute to tell me and I had to rush to give him his Christmas gift. For Christmas, I had got him two polo's more graphic socks and some sour patch kids and I wrote another nice meaning full note. So he told me when he got back he was going to give me his gift and all that. But leading up to Christmas I was doing a cute or somewhat sexy picture each day until Christmas he loved me but the whole time he was gone he could never find the time to face time me so I missed him so much couldn't spend any of the holidays with him. But I kinda understood because his family means a lot to him I didn't have that same feeling about my family so it was a little hard for me to understand but anyways everything was going well he was on his way back from his grandparents house to his cousin house to bring in the new year because he was having a party. almost every year before that he would always go to church this year he wanted to be different so he went the party.

CHAPTER 6 ALL THINGS MUST FALL APART So New years day I send him this beautiful message about how much I like him and how I'll always have his back never leave his side and how I miss him and can't wait to see him and talk to him and make him my first kiss of 2016 and my last. Like it was super cute and nice. Of course, I went to church and stayed holy. Except when I left there I went to my best friend her mom wasn't home so we was too lit but all of these happy new year messages were rolling in from all these people I really didn't care about and not one text yet from my world “joe” so The next morning I wake up and go to this brunch with the best friend still no text from nit even a thank you. So then I feel in my stomach he did something is wrong and I was scared because I knew he did something stupid. So I go home and take a nap because I had a pretty bad headache and I was stressing so I needed a nap and took some medication. so i wake up like 7:00pm and read this horrible message from him stating “So my old friend with benefits from the summer that I was telling you about came to the party and she told me she wasn't in love with after all she was just saying it because she thought that's how I felt so I have known her longer than you and she wrote me this long message and I fell so bad so I'm going go back to her I'm sorry please don't just shut down on me and say K please tell me how you feel.” So as soon as I start reading this message I burst into tears and cry my eyes out like I knew it was coming I could feel it in my stomach I had never cried so hard over a guy before in my life. My usual attitude was ok bye you wasn't special on to the next but I had actually got caught upper once in my lie I was stuck. So I text him back Saying “ wow I must be the stupidest girl in the whole world I really thought you were different you made me feel beautiful on my darkest days and now you're causing one of my darkest days what kind of shit is that. How are you going to just announce to me you going back to this chick she doesn't own you. So what you known her longer i make you happy she is literally lying just to get you back how am i supposed to feel you literally just gave up on me for nothing all I have been to you is loyal because literally I could have gone out with this guy from my church named DeMarco and he really liked me and had just got back from basic training at the time and really wanted to go out and do something and I turned him down because I know you would have been upset. I had told him the story of DeMarco before hand and how we talked for a while then he laid a move on me right before he left and I really fell for him but I gave up on him because he was gone and Joe was there and you are blowing it for what some hoe that doesn't even really wanna be intimate with you, she just likes claiming you. Not saying that I was definitely going to be just saying knowing that she really wasn't should have been enough. how was i supposed to feel about you doing i was supposed to just be oh cool like what no you know how much I like you this is hurting me so much right now I can't even think straight.” so it was hours before he responded and I had to sent several more messages by then. So he calls me on FaceTime and I'm still crying. so I'm sitting in the dark in my room he is in his closet folding clothes and looks somewhat upset almost as if he was crying too. so he starts trying to explain so I guess I would understand then we began to talk and he realizes he is way more attracted to me and he has made a mistake and he needs to tell her he can't do it so he promises me he's going to fix this and everything was going be ok and stuff so I believed him because I loved him and trusted him biggest mistake of my life.