#wouldrecommendpagpasokkasabeautystandard

[nicoleabingspeaks]

mirrors and bibingka

dear kimmy,

before tayo makapunta sa exciting part, dito muna tayo sa discussion of adolescence and body image. as someone na nagastruggle with issues sa body ko, medyo mahirap tong pag usapan pero kakayanin ko to hindi naman ako weak. so before ako mag go any further, gusto ko lang ibalik yung discussion sa module 2 kung saan na briefly mention yung medical gaze. himayin natin dito ngayon ers. anyways, diba nga pag malaki yung katawan mo (ayoko gamitin yung term na mataba kaya eto nalang huhu), parang ina assume na ng mga tao na unhealthy ka. pero pagpunta mo sa doctor, wala ka namang komplikasyon sa katawan mo. parang ganyan siya. buong buhay ko talagang nafeel ko na "disgusting" or "gross" ako dahil hindi ako payat. pero sino ba kasi yung nagsabi na ganyan yung standard? wala namang problema sa katawan ko like walang komplikasyon and all. pero dahil ganyan yung paningin ng mga tao sa mga malalaking katulad ko, ganyan na din yung paningin ko sa sarili ko. eto kasi yung medyo delikado. like sakin masasabi ko na burden ako sa buhay pero maaassure pa naman ako na hindi ganyan through little changes throughout the years. pero yung katawan ko nakikita ko araw araw at hindi naman nag-iiba. so yung paglabel ko sa self ko na "gross" or "disgusting" hindi maalis-alis. ganyan yung pagkaintindi ko sa part ng module na to. yung malala pa is during adolescence pa naman yung time na maghahanap ka ng tanging mga kaibigan to find a "sense of belonging". i was fortunate enough to find a good friend group. pero yung ibang katulad ko nabubully dahil sa appearance nila. during adolescence pa naman na matitindi yung mga insultong lumalabas sa bunganga ng mga tao. u know, teenage hormones and all. and napapangitan lang talaga ako kasi during adolescence pa naman naga undergo ng super daming changes yung katawan. pair that with the constant barrage of insults a big person can get daily, paanong hindi ma dismaya yung tao sa sarili niya. it's the kind of stuff that sticks with you hanggang sa pagtanda mo eh. it's why despite me technically being an adult na hasn't stopped me from having the same mindset. kasi while i have seen growth in terms of my attitude and outlook, when i look in the mirror, i still see the "cow" of a person that i have seen since high school. hays nakakastress sa bangs. pero i think at some point i really have to stop thinking about the things that people have to say about my body ano. exercise my agency and reflexivity and reject the beauty standard HUEY. and speaking of the beauty standard, excuse the language pero FUCK that. paiba-iba siya literally every year. dati ginaworship pa yung mga thigh gaps. ngayon uso na yung thick thunder thighs. may point nga din in time na naconsider na maganda yung mga malaking katawan eh kahit statue nga ni aphrodite hindi super slim. so essentially hindi talaga nagamatter yung physical appearance and as much as possible sana maiwasan natin na ibase yung value natin solely on that.

okay tama na yan sa depressing na part dito na tayo sa fun part. yung kapwa kong LGTVHD+1080P aka yung LGBTQ+ community!!! hays i really love this community talaga like it's my safe space and i would not know what to do without my fellow gays. i believe the gays run the world na talaga. pero jokes aside, this is one of the societies that helped build my sense of self throughout the years and has maybe helped din for others. i had unrestricted internet access since first grade pa naman so malamang matutuklasan ko din yan yung mga bading. however, it wasn't until between my freshman and sophomore year in high school when i realized that i was gay. hanep no medyo natagalan si anteh. i used to identify as bisexual, pero now naga identify lang ako as queer kasi nangunguna na takot ko sa lalaki and mas naparami yung gusto kong babae pero may ibang lalaki parin diyan na gusto ko. furthermore, gusto ko lang ibring up yung isa sa mga magandang things about sogie. you can literally be anything and everything under the sun so long as comfortable ka with how you identify as. so ako personally my sexual orientation is queer, my gender identity is nonbinary, and i try to express myself as nonbinary. pero there are literally so many labels kasi hindi mo ma accommodate yung sogie ng isang person within just a few categories. and i think that's a beautiful thing kasi it just goes to show how dynamic human beings are. and i like to see that as a whole, we're defying norms and stereotypes kaya mas nagiging colorful and diverse yung communities natin. kaya siguro rainbow yung flag namin. anyways maga chime in lang me sa nature vs nurture debate sa sogie. i think in a way a bit of both siya. kasi when it comes to nature, i believe it is something that can't be changed. pagdating naman sa nurture, pwede siya machange. yung sogie ko personally, pwede pa siya mag iba the more i socialize and learn things about myself. pero natural siya in a way na kahit gustuhin ko man, hindi ko talaga mabring yung self ko to conform with the norm na. like pilitin ko man maging straight na babae, ayaw ko talaga. hindi ko na maimagine yung self ko as ganyan which is why i think sogie can be both formed by nature and nurture. pero baka iba din yung input ng iba. basta ganon na yung sakin, kimmy. i love being gay because i love love. sana dadating din yung araw na matanggap na kaming lahat ng komunidad. i end ko yung entry na to with a "BE WHO YOU ARE FOR YOUR PRIDE".

talks bading,

nicole