#would've done this next year but I need to save up money first

[inertia-m]

new trek goal

Goechala Trek - April 2026

( i've been thinking about this trek for 24 hours straight. it is nearly 1.30 am, I should sleep )

[ashsimpsalot]

Coconut oil & honey (Monkey Man Kid X reader)

A/n: I haven't written anything in so so long. Like a year long. This is a fluff fic erm... OKAY ENJOY

Gentle love?

Gentle love.

He's 27 now, almost 28.

28

He's the age that his mother will forever be, and after 18 years, he's found that feeling he's been desperately craved, he's mistaken for trying to fill that hole in his chest by the only thing he's understands; pain.

The angry 13 years old boy with tiger stripes on his wrists would be baffled if he'd find out that the emptiness he feels is that yearning for love.

The stoic 20 years old boy with knitted eyebrows will scoffs if he's told him that he needs to open his heart bigger to fill it up.

"what is grief if not love with nowhere to go?" his woman had said while tracing his scarred palm with her perfect fingers.

Perfect.

She's perfect.

Who would've known that he'd find the missing half of his cursed soul in a cursed hotel? Not him.

"where'd you go, handsome?" you asked, sweeter than sugar cane, quieter than the night outside of her shitty apartment.

Just the sound of your voice had crafted a small, soft smile on his otherwise tight lips. "I'm right here, jaanu", " Kid would answer just as quiet as you, reaching behind, taking one of your hands out of his curls, planting a kiss on your palm ignoring the distinct smell of coconut oil and honey. By pure muscle memories you flatten your palm out and placed it on his cheek.

"you're getting all the oil on your lips and cheek, silly." you chuckled.

and right there and there he'd understand that half of his heart had spilled out of his chest and now free to roam the world in the form of his lover.

Kid's nights used to be filed with snoring men and loud voices of his mother's screams.

Now it's this, you sitting on the couch, him sitting on the floor between your legs, eyes pinned on whatever movie you decided to turn on, your fingers that are red with henna along with small ring he'd bought with whatever money left in his pockets wrapped around your ring finger that are willingly buried in his curls, working their magic.

A determine look on your face as you massages your homemade hair oil into his scalp.

He'd never know that the smell of the coconut oil and honey that hits his nose when he first met you would stay in his life for this long, and he's wish upon all that he knows for it to stay forever.

"lost you there again, bandhar." you said softer this time, he knows what that means, concerned. He almost whined when your fingers left his hair, he knew that you're done.

He shakes his head, held your hand and continue to do so as he settles to sit next to you.

"thank you." he whispered, kissing your palm and pushes his cheek against it next. You smiled. "you know I love playing with your hair. This is purely for my pleasure." you joked.

He didn't laugh, he shook his head. "not that, you saved me, you found the heart that I lost all those years ago, you.." he stopped, he realised he doesn't have the words to let you understand just how much you meant to him.

"I love you" you replied, you understood, you always do.

He smiled and leans in to kiss you. "I love you much more than you can ever imagine," he whispered, with his forehead pressed onto yours, colloused thumb softly rubbing on your chin.

He felt it again, the love you have for him spill onto him just by your hands, your hands in his curls, your hands on his cheeks, your fingers in his palm, your hand on his chest.

"I love you," he repeated, he'd laid down on the couch, pulling you with him, the desire to be close to you is too strong, you can't be closer, the only way to do that is to open him up and crawl into him, you've laid your head on his chest, eyes back on the screen. You're watching the TV and he's watching her.

"I love you," he repeats again.

"I love you" he repeats, not giving you a chance to reply.

"I love you," if you've forgotten.

"I love you," if you've doubted him.

He sighs and kisses your forehead. "I love you,"

You softly chuckle and move up.

"i love you," he said again, you had leaned in to kiss him to shut him up, hand caressing his cheek as you do so. He thought he'd die, he thought the love in his chest is too much it'll burst open and kill him.

"I love you too," your voice silenced him.

He smiled as you went back to lay on his chest, finger tracing circles on his chest.

He closes his eyes.

He knows now.

He's knows he's loved.

He matters.

He matters.

[cdragons]

You lived on the Cut, but you knew your situation was far better than most of your friends.

While you were by no means a Kook, your family had enough money to be comfortable. Sure, it wasn't a beach mansion with 10 bedrooms, 8 baths, and a decked-out pool - but it was more than enough.

Your parents had full-time jobs that paid the bills, put food on the table, and gave you a roof over your head. Most importantly, they could comfortably afford Costco executive memberships for both.

At first, they were skeptical about paying so much for a membership fee, but when they saw the annual 2% rewards on qualified Costco purchases - they were sold.

The only Costco on the island was in Kitty Hawk, which was about a 15-minute drive without traffic. Because of your parents' schedules, the only times they had time were on the weekends. They always took you with them, of course. Weekends were the best part of the week, not because you got out of school but because you got to go to Costco.

Your parents made it so fun, too! Costco was your own little amusement park - your parents let you ride in the shopping cart as you waved to fellow shoppers, your family tried each and every sample cart dispersed throughout the store, and you got to have a giant slice of pizza and soda from the food court!

Not only that, but the people at the exit would always draw a balloon on the receipt after they checked the cart!

The moment you were able to get your driver's license, you wanted to get a membership, too. You paid for it with the money you saved up from years of babysitting, working at the Kook Country Club, and even helping out with the Wreck.

You loved the store so much. Even when the Pogues would ask you to join them on the weekends, you told them you couldn't go because you had to go shopping with your parents.

Finally, JJ (your amazingly sweet, sexy, funny, wonderful boyfriend who you had a crush on since the sixth grade) wanted to find out what was so dang special about this "eXCluSivE" warehouse store that it meant he had to be kept away from his (out-of-his-league, gorgeous, smart, sunshine smiles) girl (who he's been in love with since the third grade).

Luckily, your dad had a job that was gonna take up the entire weekend. Your mom and you could have gone, but your dad was the heavy lifter of the family - you two needed him for the real heavy stuff.

That's where JJ comes in!

You and JJ were lying on the hammock the afternoon before the trip when you asked him if he could join you and your mom to Costco because they needed help loading stuff into the house afterward.

"It's nothing too crazy, but mom's been getting a lot of night shifts lately, and I don't want her to strain herself more than she already has to. I'll treat you to whatever you want at the food court!" What kind of heartless monster would JJ have to be to refuse? God, he wanted to smush your cheeks between his palms and kiss every part of your face from then till the rapture. Besides, your folks have been so good to him since he was a tot. Which is pretty much exactly what he did. "Don't worry, pretty mama; papa J'll get it done."

...Listen, he still thinks it's weird your parents fork over so much money just to shop at this one store when there's a perfectly good Bobby Heyward on the Cut. Buuuuut, he'll go along with anything you do if it means he gets to see that 1000-megawatt smile you shine his way.

The next day, you and your mom pick JJ from the Chateau, and JJ's never seen you so excited, ever. You're practically hopping like a little bunny, and he would've pulled you onto his lap if your mom wasn't there.

"I can't wait for you to see it! You're going to love it! Everyone's so nice, and the food there is so cheap, you'll never want to leave." JJ couldn't help but affectionately roll his eyes at your excitement. Anyone else, he'd think they'd lost their marbles or hit their joint too much - but for you, it was nothing short of adorable. "Baby," he kissed your cheek. "S'just a store - ain't gonna be Disney."

...He was wrong...he was sooooo wrong. JJ's jaw fucking dropped at the sight of the massive warehouse since your mom pulled into the parking lot, all the way to when they entered the store when she pulled out her card for security to check.

You had to physically shut his mouth out of fear he'd eat a bug.

JJ was starin' at everything like he was at Disney, and he really might as well have been. He begged your mom if it was alright if they could walk in every aisle to see it all. Your mom raised a brow before seeing the absolutely adoring expression you had on your boyfriend.

How could you help yourself? He looked so cute, all excited!

She agreed, and immediately, JJ went to the electronics sections and plopped down at the TV with the biggest screen and the best graphics he'd ever seen. From there, he found the section in the beginning where the coupon and sale items were located and immediately gunned for the discount toothpaste and razors.

"Baby! They give you a pack of 30 here! "...I don't think your peach fuzz counts. And do you even brush your teeth every day?" "Uh, 'scuse me - I will for these prices. And don't think I don't know how many of these bad boys you n' Kie go through each month. Your cooch will never be growing out of its jungle with these bad boys."

The food and household sections are his own damn paradise. He tries every sample and goes back for more, and the workers treat him like he's a freaking golden retriever puppy.

"Babe, babe, babe - this place gives you two loaves for ONE SET! ONE SET! LOOK AT THE CAKES AND MUFFINS! Oh shi- we need to bring Pope. He'll lose his rocks for this."

Sees the prices for the Kirkland products and immediately insists that anything else is "boUgIE."

"5 BUCKS FOR A PACK OF 40?!" "It's 3.99 if you're a member."

Immediately goes and loads two packs into the cart. You warn him not to let Kie know that you and your family voluntarily bought plastic water bottles - he does not care.

"(Y/N), she can crucify me upside down n' shit; we're not missing out on this deal."

He sees the $5 rotisserie chickens and physically stops the cart. You slam into his back and barely have enough time to grab onto his shirt to stop him from getting another cart and filling it up with chickens.

"We don't need so many chickens!" "THINK OF ALL THE STUFF YOU CAN MAKE!" "We'll get one for you for now and come back another time!" "But-" "I'll even let you sit in the cart!"

Finally, you and your mom got everything from the shopping list (along with a few other things upon JJ's request), and you three could finally head out for the checkout.

Just when JJ thought he couldn't love Costco more, he finally saw his heaven...the Costco food court.

$2 slices of pizza...$1.50 for a hot dog, and a free refill soda combo...$3 smoothies...$2 soft serves...$9.95 18-INCH PEPPERONI PIZZAS????

...Fuck the Wreck, this was officially the best restaurant on the whole fucking island.

Your mom gives the green light for you and him to get a table, and JJ practically jumps on the first empty table (there were still grease stains and ketchup spills from the previous seaters) and sets his stuff down. His giant 6' body is leaning over smaller frame as he watches you press the buttons on the order kiosk.

"Two hot dogs...one pepperoni - no, make that two - no, three - fuck it, get the whole pie...holy shit, they got churros?!"

After you pay and grab the receipt, you two wait by the window for your food as JJ is buzzing with the biggest smile you've seen on him since you two got together. A couple of onlookers are staring at the two of you - some with skeptical expressions, others warmly chuckling at his excitement.

When your number is called, the mountain of food you ordered requires only the most delicate and careful balancing acts for you two to get back to the table where your mom was. Thankfully, she cleaned the table and got the napkins before you all sat down. She volunteered to fill the sodas - Coke for you and her, Mountain Dew for JJ.

The noises he makes while eating are borderline pornographic and make everyone around your immediate vicinity uncomfortable. Parents, grandmas, kids, and employees are giving your table the BIGGEST side eyes; meanwhile, you're just eatin' your pizza and sippin' your soda with the straightest poker face. Occasionally, you turn around and stare at your blonde menace with the most lovestruck expression in the history of ever, and you're just so happy to be the one to give him this experience.

While he's on the john, you snuck away and bought the prettiest bouquet you found in your price range. Afterward, you went back to the food court kiosk and sorted a chocolate soft-serve cup just for him! The look of pure, unadulterated adoration on his face when you gave him the bouquet alone made you wanna cry tears of joy, and when you showed him the ice cream cup - he immediately picked you up and spun you in a circle with everyone watching.

Your mom was 100% recording the whole thing and sent it to your dad.

At the exit, you asked if the lady could draw a balloon. She looked over, confused before she saw your golden retriever puppy of a boyfriend and even drew a smiley face on the balloon. It goes without saying JJ keeps the receipt in his wallet.

Literally the happiest person on the Cut, he's skippin' everywhere, all day. Nothing can bring him down, not even the fucking high prices Mike Carerra charges for one fucking drink at the Wreck.

Keeps the receipt so he can brag about how much your family saved to the other Pogues. John B and Pope do not believe him until they scroll through all dozens of pictures in JJ's camera roll of every glorious thing he saw at Costco.

...They beg you to include them next time.

This is for all the JJ girlies who want some fluff! Let me know in the comments what you think, and reblog if you enjoyed reading it and want more!

Tagging: @ethereal-athalia, @dipperscavern, @instructionsnotincluded, @darlingchronicles, @ruerecs, @excbambi , @jjsfavgirl , @bre99 , @redhead1180, @markno

[penny00dreadful]

Happy WIP Wednesday! I thought I'd share some snippets of my multiple WIPs because I'm obsessed with all of them and the urge to share became too much. These will all eventually be posted both here and on AO3. Some are first drafts and might change slightly and some have already been through rewrites, ALL will be published eventually.

Return of the King - Part 5

Anything further Eddie wanted to say was swiftly lost as the back door was thrown open with a shout from Dustin.

“He’s a vampire?!”

Eddie tilted his head back the whole way so he was looking at Dustin upside down.

“That’s the prevailing theory.”

“Dude!” The next second Dustin had disappeared back inside.

Sitting back up straight again, Eddie glanced over in Hopper's direction.

“A vampire? Really? You’re encouraging this?”

Eddie raised his hands up in surrender. “I’m just calling ‘em like I see ‘em, Hop. The boy’s got fangs. He drinks blood. He’s not dead anymore.”

“Whose blood?! Did he bite you?”

“I wish.” He muttered but evidently not quietly enough if Hopper’s scandalised expression was anything to go by. “No, he didn’t bite me. He stole some cows' blood from the butchers.”

Hopper groaned as he heaved himself up from the chair and let a loud exhale go. “I don’t know why I’m surprised by anything anymore. Fuck it, fine, he’s a vampire. Just another god damn Tuesday in Hawkins.”

Commuppance - The kids meddle in Steve's love life and get their just desserts.

“Eddie, we need you to flirt with Nancy.”

The man in question turned his head slowly and methodically until he was facing Dustin completely, his hand still hovering over the battle map he was prepping.

“Excuse me?”

“If you make Steve jealous, that might be the kick he needs to finally do something.”

“You’re playing with fire here, Henderson. You can’t toy with people’s feelings like that.”

“Who’s toying with feelings? There’ll be no feelings involved.”

“What about Steve’s feelings? What about Nancy’s?”

“It won’t matter once it all works out.”

Eddie’s mouth was set in a firm, grim line. He looked almost angry. But that couldn’t be right.

“And there’s no way this could possibly blow up in your face, right?”

Dustin looked at Eddie like he had six heads. What wasn’t he getting about this? This was how things were done. He was saved from having to answer by the arrival of Nancy and Mike into the Harrington basement.

Steve barely glanced up at their arrival, just sending a short smile their way, too deep in conversation with Robin about the news or interior design or whatever the fuck grown ups talk about.

Dustin sent a very pointed look Eddie's way who heaved the most put upon sigh, rising from his seat and giving Dustin the middle finger which he sarcastically reciprocated.

“Hey Nance.” Eddie said, sildling up beside her and oozing charm and charisma. “I'm glad you decided to come today. Don't know what I would've done if I had to go without seeing your pretty face for much longer."

Worship - Reincarnation AU

Their last Life together had been… well there was no word to describe it other than horrible. He’d only ever seen Eddie die so brutally once before.

But those demobats had been…

Fuck.

Something in Steve broke in that last Life.

He’d fought so hard for so long. Scrambling for whatever scrap of Eddie he could get in each Life, over and over and over again.

And Eddie never remembered.

Each new Life for him was a fresh start.

But Steve remembered all of it. He remembered everything. Living, dying, searching for Eddie every time, for years, sometimes decades until he found him.

He supposed it was what he had asked for.

Or rather demanded.

Maybe he was stupidly naive to think that pissing off, disrespecting and insulting Her then demanding he get Eddie back would get him what he wanted, the way he wanted.

Maybe it was a curse.

Steve’s Curse.

Unnamed Dungeons and Dragons AU

“Hunt him down, Harrington.”

Steve glared across the table.

“I’m not your fucking errand boy, Carver. I don’t need your money.”

“No, but you need a quest to become a full Knight. Even your daddy can’t buy you that.”

Steve bristled, his stomach turning sour because the thing was Jason was right. His father had attempted to buy his way, as far as could be bought, into a knighthood though Steve had succeeded through his training all on his own merit not needing the aid of daddy's money. He was nothing if not a talented athlete.

But in order to be fully knighted and earn his station as a Paladin, he needed to complete a quest outside of their small town of Hawkins. And a quest for such a thing could only be approved by the High Priests, which Jason was currently in training to become, serving directly underneath the Head High Priest Henry Creel.

“I hardly think some pissy little bard from the shitty part of town would qualify as a quest.”

“He tried to curse Chrissy, Harrington. Messing with dark shit. Nercromancy. Blood magic. It's a god damn miracle she's even alive. You want a freak like that roaming free?”

Steve scoffed. “It’s not like he’ll ever come back to town. He cut and run fast enough.”

Through the Valley - Post Apocalypse AU

Eddie swiped furiously at his eyes with his bedsheets, trying to will the lump in his throat away. His heart still ached and he knew despite his best efforts he’d be carrying it around with him for the rest of the day. He hated those nights with a burning passion. He didn’t have nightmares like Dustin or Nancy did, he had these dreams. He wept in his sleep, crying until he was dried out and exhausted upon waking up but he wouldn’t trade them in for anything.

At least with these dreams he could still…

It wasn’t important. He had too much shit to deal with today to spend time mourning the past. Their food surplus was getting dangerously low and there hadn’t been a supply drop in weeks though their own vegetable crop was still growing strong. Chester Hagen and his goons were still giving Nancy trouble. They needed extra hands to get their fence back up again and those bandits were still out there. They might have been scared away by Dustin and Scott’s genius and deadly electrical wiring but they weren’t going to stay away for long.

Their settlement was way too valuable an asset to have under their belts from a defensive standpoint alone and if they were able to seize control it could be catastrophic.

And the fucking Ghouls.

A constant trickle of Ghouls stumbling towards their settlement, invariably drawn towards the noise their small community made. Their numbers had started to dwindle a little but they were still a very real threat.

The two bodies that had to be brought home and buried during the last trip to maintain their water tower made that clear enough.

Fuck, they needed food. Everyone was running on fumes and it was making them sloppy. Their sentries were having trouble concentrating, their medical personnel had started to feel they couldn’t perform their duties safely anymore, their smartest minds were waning.

Eddie dragged himself out of bed, the one he’d slept in alone and lamenting the empty space next to him since they first arrived at this estate, nine months ago and fourteen months since...

No.

Too much to do today.

[mxesntity]

'Who would've guessed we'd end up like this?' || Sun/Moon x Reader

I'M USED TO AO3 NOTES BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO WRITE HERE BEFORE YA'LL GO OFF TO READ RAAAH

this is the first time i'm posting an actual fic on tumblr, but for now, it's only a oneshot, although i'd love to make a longer version! i'm only posting this here first to see if anyone would be interested in it! if that's the case, i'd totally continue it on ao3 ^^ anyways, enjoy!

sfw, he/him for reader, no glitchtrap au

"I'm 19... do I really have to go?"

You looked up at the big, colorful painting above the red doors which said "Superstar Daycare Pick-Up"

"It's just for an hour, sweetheart, and you know how much your sister wants to see it!"

You sighed, thinking that the hour spent in a daycare with kids no older than 10 years old could be spent in a much better in a place than this. You didn't even get the chance to see the Glamrocks face-to-face yet!

"It's the closest attraction, let's get it done first and we'll go check out all the other places after, hm?"

As much as you still weren't into the idea, you didn't have the heart to say no to your dad. An hour can't last that long, right?

You opened the previously mentioned red doors, admiring how beautiful the hallway looked. Wow, they really put effort into everything. There was a big fountain in the middle of it, the colorful lights were slightly dimmed here, and the starry ceiling gave it all an even nicer touch.

The silly daycare music started hitting your ears better the more you were moving through the hallway. It was the one part of the Pizzaplex that seemed to have less people in it compared to the others, but it made sense. There were plenty of things to see, and the main focus was always on the Glamrocks, that's what people came here for. Technically, you did too.

But you'd lie if you said Fazbear Ent. didn't put an amazing job into the daycare animatronics, too. You haven't seen them for yourself just yet, but the countless posters already showed you enough. You appreciated the celestial designs, it was a fun concept for sure.

Your dad checked you two in, although you didn't really need it, seeing as you were an adult. You were there to simply keep an eye on your sister while your dad went to get some gifts for you from the shop that was just next to the big, wooden door.

Right, you forgot to mention it, did you? It was your birthday!

The very reason you were here today, was to celebrate your birthday. That's exactly why you also warned your dad not too see too many attractions around the Pizzaplex on his own while you were occupied, as you wanted to experience it together.

It was a dream come true, really. It didn't matter what ages did this place focus on, it didn't matter that you were grown by now - you always wanted to come here, and your 19th birthday finally gave you a chance.

Such fun attractions come with big prices, obviously. Your dad couldn't really afford it before, trying to tie the ends together, and you understood. You waited patiently, even got a job once you could to save up for the trip! And finally, here it was.

"Well, we're here. You two have fun! I'll go pick out the first few gifts for you."

"Being here is a gift itself, dad. Don't waste too much, I have money of my own, too."

At that, he only swatted you and your sister away with a smile, seeming to not pay too much attention to your words. You sighed playfully, watching him get away in the small crowd. Your dad was a good man, you appreciated him for all the times he put you and your sibling first, even despite how harshly life has treated him.

"You ready?"

You looked down at your sister, and seeing her nod excitedly, you got a bit more enthusiastic, too. You pushed the wooden door, your eyes hit with all the bright, random colors and especially the neons on the walls and the ceiling.

There were maybe three kids sitting at a small table next to one of the play structures, lost in their little world of scribbling on paper and drawing whatever little kids usually draw. But so far, no sign of the animatronics.

Well... until.

"NEW FRIENDS! HELLO, HELLO!"

You jumped at the sudden loud voice so close to you, and soon enough, you saw the source of it, right in front of you.

A tall animatronic with the design and color palette resembling the sun, with a wide smile from one cheek to another, and bright blue eyes.

Very, very tall.

Your sister reacted faster than you, clapping and giggling upon seeing him. Seems like she found her favourite.

"Oh my... uhm, hello."

You placed your hand on your chest, calming your heartbeat down. You'd lie if you said it wasn't extremely easy to spook you.

Once the animatronic saw how excited your little sister was upon seeing him, he grabbed her so high that she was now facing him. She loved it, and immediately reached out to grab the sunrays sticking to his faceplate.

"Oh, Laurey, no! You might damage him!"

You were prone to overreacting. But most of all, you really didn't want your family to suffer from any... accidental damage any of you might cause to Fazbear Ent. and their star attractions. You knew nothing about how they actually worked, so even if this bot is made for kids, maybe some of his parts are more fragile than the others?

But the animatronic didn't seem to care. In fact, he started giggling right back at your sister, acting like he's being tickled.

"My friend, that's no issue at all! I absolutely LOVE kiddos who are curious about my design! So, your name's Laurey, little star? How beautiful!"

Okay, you could see just how well he was programmed. The wording he used, the tone, it was perfect for kids, and left a teeny tiny effect on you too. It was definitely admirable.

"I'm so so SO happy to welcome two new friends into our little daycare! What's your name?"

His eyes were on you now, still smiling as widely as ever. It looked like he could change his expressions freely, but he didn't lose the smile once.

"Oh, me? I'm Y/N, I'm just here to keep an eye on Laurey. But, uh, I'm happy to meet you too!"

His eyes lit up at your words, grabbing your wrist softly with his free hand, and leading you both further into the daycare.

"I'm SO excited! We'll have tons of fun! We have all kinds of toys here, and we constantly make up new games to play! Oh, oh, and I just LOVE arts and crafts with the littles, especially with glitter glue and googly eyes! We also do puppet shows!"

His mouth didn't close for a long time. Normally, you'd be annoyed, but something about his voice, as jumpy and loud as it was, comforted you.

"Hey there, my little stars! Please welcome our new friends!"

The three kids who were still sitting at the table turned your eyes to you all, Sun's excitement clearly rubbing off on them. They immediately stood up and welcomed you and your sister, especially her. Once Sun put her down, she seemed to fit right in, and they seemed like kids who were sweet enough not to do anything hurtful in case you turned your head away for once.

The animatronic observed them with a proud smile before turning to you. "I've actually never had a guest this big before! You're a special one!"

You perked up at his words, not able to hide that being called special made you happy, even if it came from a robot. It was always nice to be appreciated regardless.

"Ah, yeah, I can imagine... my sister really wanted to come here once we arrived. It's actually my birthday today, but-"

"YOUR BIRTHDAY?!"

Your eyes widened once Sun's voice got 3 times louder. He seemed shocked, but excited as well.

"My oh my, why did you not say so right away?! That's a serious celebration! I have to make this occasion meaningful, unforgettable! Yes, yes, right away!"

You tried to stop him, saying that it's not that big of a deal, not being used to someone being so into celebrating your birthday besides your closest family, but he insisted.

"Kiddos!"

He called on the children, who immediately turned their eyes to him.

"I'll need to talk with y'all privately! No Y/N's allowed for now!"

You chuckled, assuming that this "private talk" was regarding the surprise he wants to give you. Seeing as there was no stopping Sun's plans, you decided to play along, trying to spy on their conversation a little bit, quickly getting swatted away by Sun. It was quite endearing. You definitely weren't disappointed by coming here anymore, and not even 10 minutes passed yet.

Being an ex-theatre kid payed off with how well you could pull off dramatic and over exaggerated reactions for the kids and Sun's enjoyment. You acted deeply hurt by the fact that they wouldn't fill you in on their little conversation, and with a very big, sad expression, you went to drown yourself in the ball pit. You heard the others giggling, and you quickly realized just how fun this short stay can be.

"Yes, yes, that's a brilliant idea! Let's get to work, my little stars!"

You peeked out of the ball pit when the kids started running around, looking like they were on a search for specific things Sun told them to find. But before you could see what they were looking for, someone's figure blocked your view.

"Nuh-uh, no peeking! That's against the rules! You're not a rule breaker, are you?"

You chuckled, looking up at the animatronic. His height did make your neck cramp, though.

"You don't have to do all this for me, y'know. I mean, I appreciate it, but I don't think it's really worth..."

He didn't let you finish your sentence, and soon enough, he picked you up like a cat.

"OF COURSE it's worth it! It doesn't matter if you're an old friend, a new friend, or for how much you'll be staying here! Every single one of my friends deserves a fitting birthday present! Birthdays are SO important!"

Even if you wanted to, you couldn't stop smiling. It seemed to make Sun happy - as expected from a daycare bot, making his guests have a great time in his little lane was the main objective.

"I'm gonna need you to stay somewhere you can't see our progress, friend! It's a surprise for a reason!"

You tried persuading him into staying, but no could do. That's how you found yourself on one of the castle towers in the ball pit, with a bunch of toys and plushies around you. It's not like any of these really interested you, you weren't a child, but once again, you decided to play into it, getting a playful warning from Sun earlier that even one peek will put you in a time-out.

You'd lie if you said you didn't find that huge sun-themed bot adorable. Fazbear Ent. was good at making people fall in love with their attractions, that's for sure.

You looked over the toys, and saw two that caught your attention - plushies resembling the two attendants. You grabbed them and realized that you haven't had the chance to meet the other, moon-themed one yet. Maybe he wasn't currently in the daycare? Maybe he only appeared after a certain time?

You hoped that the hour spent here will be enough to meet him too.

While in your thoughts, you haven't even realized that more than 15 minutes passed now, and the kids, along with Sun, seemed to be done with your little gift. You knew that, because all of a sudden, someone jumped behind your back and covered your eyes with his hands.

It was really easy to guess who did it, of course.

"We're all done, friend! Allow me to take you there!"

Before you could question what he meant, you were lifted up and held close to his chest with one arm, the other still covering your eyes. The kids started giggling once they saw it, which made you really curious about how you two must've looked like right now.

But most importantly - in that very short moment you realized just how warm Sun was. You'd assume he'd be cold because, well, he's a robot, but his chest radiated this comforting heat, and you wouldn't mind staying in that position for longer.

He was swift and fast, but also careful. You were held like some sort of princess, which surprised you, because who would be able to hold you with one arm, cover your eyes with the other, and navigate his body safely with only legs? You knew he was a machine, but damn, that was impressive.

Soon enough, you were sat down on the soft floor, and you finally regained your vision. In front of you was a tiny scene which looked like something made specifically for puppet shows. It was decorated with a bunch of led lights, and there was a small banner on the top that said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" drawn with crayons. You couldn't help but smile at how cute everything looked. You were surrounded with a bunch of plushies resembling all the star attractions of the Pizzaplex, including the daycare attendants. You grabbed the Sun one, positioning it as if it was about to watch the show with you. You looked up at Sun, who seemed enamored with the sight, but quickly looked away, regaining his confident and energetic self.

"Me and my little stars prepared a SPECIAL, one of a kind puppet show for you! I came up with the scenario! We're so excited to present it to you, right, kiddos?!"

All four of the kids cheered, causing you to chuckle quietly. Their excitement rubbed of on you really quickly.

"Oh my, I wanna see it already!"

That single sentence worked wonders on Sun, who quickly disappeared behind the little stage. Well, not exactly disappeared, seeing as he was twice the size of it, but he tried his best to hide his faceplate, at least.

Then the show began, firstly showcasing only a little Sun puppet, walking around the imaginary daycare. Even as an adult, you had to say, you enjoyed things like these. Silly and cute.

Soon enough, another puppet jumped out, and this one resembled... you! You gasped, wondering how was that puppet so similar to you? Was it simply a coincidence, or could it be that Sun made the puppet just for you? No, surely, that'd be too much work spent on someone that he knew for less than an hour... but what if?

The more you watched, the more you realized this little show was just a replay of how you and your sister got into the daycare, how you met Sun, the other kids (they had their own puppets as well) and also a little made-up addition, which was the dolls playing various games or drawing with each other, generally doing things you usually do in the daycare.

It was so damn cute.

At the end of the show, the Sun puppet went out of it's way to lock you in a big hug, and the kids soon joined. The last scene consisted of all the puppets holding a little toy cake for you, screaming a "Happy Birthday!". The curtain rolled down, and you started clapping as soon as it did. You had a big smile on your face, which the animatronic immediately picked up on.

"Did ya like it, friend? Did ya, did ya?!"

You stood up with his help, not letting go of his hand for a few more seconds.

"Of course I did, you guys were amazing! This is one of the best birthday gifts I've ever gotten!"

Your compliment seemed to make Sun really happy, because his rays started spinning. You adored that! It reminded you of a puppy wagging its tail from excitement.

"Thank you so much, Sunny, and you too, kiddos!"

Your sister ran up to you, hugging your leg, at which you quickly patted her head.

Although when your eyes went back to Sun, he was standing still, looking straight at you.

"Is something wrong?"

At that, he almost immediately pulled you into a big hug, which you didn't expect, but also didn't mind. It did shook you a little, though.

"You gave me a nickname! How sweet! You're the sweetest ever! I must give you a nickname too!"

You had no idea that a little nickname would make him so happy. It wasn't even really on purpose, either, you kinda said it without thinking because it sounded cute. But if he liked it, then it made you happy, too.

"Hmm, a nickname for me? What would that be?"

He pulled away a bit, posing as if he was thinking really hard.

"Well, since I'm Sunny... and you're a guest at my daycare... I suppose calling you sunshine fits just right!"

You didn't wanna admit it, but being called 'sunshine' made you blush. Just a little bit.

"I think that's a sweet nickname, Sunny. I love it!"

He jumped in excitement, and you chuckled. All of what just happened made you completely lose your sense of time. You hadn't realized that an hour passed exactly now.

Your sister tugged on your sleeve, and you turned to her, and then to the daycare doors she was pointing at. Your father was standing there, waving at you both with a smile.

Aw, already?

"It seems like we have to go for now, Sunny."

His smile suddenly dropped, just a bit, but enough for you to catch it.

"Hey, don't be sad! I promise, we'll come back! Do you want to walk us out?"

He quickly nodded, and turned around to the children, telling them to behave for that quick moment in which he'll go sign you two out.

"Hey, sweethearts! Had a fun time?"

Your sister ran up to your dad, hugging him immediately. She was all jumpy, and he could tell that her answer to his question would be positive. He brushed her hair with his hand, and then looked over to you.

"A lot of fun! We wanna come back here again one day, don't we, Laurey?"

She nodded happily, and your dad was clearly a bit thrown off, but glad nonetheless.

"Well that's just great! Is this the daycare attendant over here?"

His eyes switched to Sun, and he perked up, smiling widely, just like when he saw you two for the first time.

"Correct, sir! Your kiddos are absolute angels!"

"Hah, I'm glad they didn't give ya too much trouble. Are ya'll ready to go?"

You two nodded, but before Sun could check your sister out, you turned to him, grabbing his hands softly.

"I'm sorry we couldn't stay over for naptime, I assume that's when Moon comes out, right? I'd love to meet him, but maybe another time! Either way, thank you for that gift, Sunny, it was lovely."

If robots could blush, Sun would be furiously red by now. But they can't, so his fans kicked in, and he now sounded like one of those old computers when you tried to run a heavier game on them.

"O-Oh, yes, yes! It's a shame you didn't get to meet Moon, but if you come back again, make sure to stay just long enough for naptime! I'll put in a good word about you and your sister!"

You laughed, thanking him in advance, and saying your final goodbyes. Soon enough, the three of you were on your way to another attraction.

"So, the daycare wasn't so bad after all, huh?"

"Not at all. Can you believe that he and the other kids prepared a special puppet show for me once I told him it's my birthday? He's so cool!"

Your sister joined your rambling about how nice and kind Mr. Sun was as well, and your dad listened to all of it, honestly surprised at how well the stay went.

"Oh, I almost forgot! I picked up a plushie of that favourite Glamrock of yours while I was gone. Besides that, I only got coffee, I didn't see anything by myself, don't worry!"

Your dad handed you the cutest Monty plush, and you immediately thanked him. Soon, you were all in the elevator going up, finally arriving in the main spot of the Pizzaplex.

On the side, you wondered... would they be interested in hiring a human to help?

[callsign-magnolia]

I Hope You Dance // Ch. 27

MATURE CONTENT (18+)

A/N: This is cross posted to my Wattpad, so if this seems familiar that is why!

TW: Mental abuse, emotional abuse, slight physical abuse, death and loss.

Description: When Caila meets Rooster, sparks fly. But, she's already married, to a man who she thought loved her, and won't let her go. Rooster will fight for her, he just has to convince Caila to fight for herself.

Word Count: 6.8k

Chapter 26 | Masterlist

After our shower I got dressed as he fixed breakfast, wandering down the stairs as he tossed some pancakes on a plate. "So, I was going through my bank statements." He said, glancing over to me. "Okay?" I asked, sitting down as he slid a plate in front of me. "You managed to get all of those supplies for pretty cheap." My face turned red at his words. "I didn't see the point in using only your money." He chuckled, sitting next to me. "I've saved up for this." I nodded as I started eating. "Yeah, but how often are you gonna use that sander? I can think of many projects to use it for." He stared at me, eyes narrowed before sighing and looking down at his food. "I hate when you have a point." I giggled at his words. "So, who all is gonna be here today?"

"The team, Mav and Penny." I smiled at him, grabbing his free hand and wrapping my fingers around his. "I'm glad you and Mav have worked through your problems." He smiled at me. "Not completely, but we're working on it." I nodded. "Have you two thought about therapy?" He looked at me, quirking an eyebrow. "He's your godfather, Rooster." He nodded. "What about therapy for you?" I raised my brows at his sudden question. "Natasha told me how you were supposed to be in therapy for three years." I sighed, looking down at my plate again. "I'm talking to Cyclone on Monday about seeing a therapist on base." He gave me a small smile. "I have to call Dr. Kleninger on Monday to get my notes sent over. But, I am going back to therapy." 

"Why'd you quit?" I bit my lip, crossing my legs in the chair. "I thought I was fine. After the mission I thought everything would just... be okay. But things don't just magically fix themselves overnight, no matter how much I wish they would." His hand squeezed my thigh before he leaned over to kiss my temple. We sat in silence the rest of breakfast, a comfortable silence but silence none the less. Once we were done he got dressed and I cleaned up the kitchen before we went next door. When we walked in I saw he moved the carpet I tossed down, and the bedframe was now inside, leaning on the wall by the back door. "I threw out the carpet and picked up the rest of the staples from upstairs." I nodded, just observing. "I do still need help moving the dresser to get that bit of carpet from under there."

I turned to look at him, he was looking at me expectantly. "Okay." I said and he smiled, taking my hand and leading me upstairs. We stepped into his bedroom, the bare floors almost glaring at me. "You know, I was thinking gray carpet in here." I raised a brow at him as he grabbed one end of the dresser. "Figured you'd be a hardwood kind of guy." I said as we lifted the dresser, moving it over and out of the way. "Yeah," He said as we set down the heavy piece of furniture. "But my girl hates touching cold hardwood first thing in the morning." He said as he passed by me, kissing my forehead. I smiled as he yanked out the last bit of carpet, pulling the staples with it. "That's the last of it." He said, picking up the long piece of carpet and taking it out, tossing it over the landing. 

"You okay?" I asked as he walked back in. He sighed and nodded. "I am. My parents probably would've renovated years ago so, this is good." I smiled at him. "So I have a few boxes from when I moved in, I figure pack my clothes up as well as the stuff in the kitchen and take it to your house until we're done?" I nodded and we got to work packing his stuff. He put in one of his parent's cassettes, before sitting in the floor with me as we continued packing. "So, you listen to cassette's as a kid?" I giggled at his question. "No, cd's. Mama and daddy had some as well as some vinyl's they play but I used cd's. I had that big black case in my car in high school, just full of them." He chuckled, folding a shirt. 

"Why am I not surprised? What did you have the most of?" I smirked at him. "Eminem, Britney Spears, but I do love the Ying Yang Twins." He laughed loudly, almost falling back from his seated position. "I expected you to say your mom's albums." I laughed at him. "I like many different kinds of music. But that's what was big when I was a teen, so that's mainly what I listened to." He narrowed his eyes at me. "Your parents really let you listen to that stuff?" I shook my head as I packed up the last of his boxers. "No, absolutely not. Jameson bought all the explicit cd's for me." He smiled as we stood, boxes in hand. "Of course your older brother bought them." I smiled at him. "Look I helped Jameson land the ladies, and he bought me cd's." 

"Oh, so it was an exchange?" I nodded. "How did you help him land girls?" I shrugged. "We're eight years apart. Girls love when guys are good to their little sisters. He'd take me a long with him and his friends and girls just found it so sweet." I said as we took the boxes downstairs. "Wait, he bough those cd's when you were little?" I shook my head. "Britney, yes. He bought the others as I got older just because I asked." I said, laughing at his worry. As we got downstairs there was a knock on the door. "That must be them." He said, setting the box on the couch. "Hey, can we keep me coming back a secret? Kinda wanna surprise them." He grinned at me, placing a kiss to my cheek before going to get the door. "Hey guys!" He said, opening the door wider for everyone to file in. 

I watched as everyone walked in, looking around at the empty and now messy house. "Don't seem to have a lot going on in here, Bradshaw." Hangman noted, looking around at the empty walls. They were bare of photos and memories, which I noticed when I first came over. "Yeah, but once we get this renovation done it'll feel like a home." I said, walking over to join Rooster who was still holding the door open for Mav and Penny. "You okay, Mav?" I asked as my arm went around Rooster's waist. He sighed, looking around the house before slowly stepping across the threshold. "I just-I haven't been here since the day you guys moved in. I didn't even know Carol kept the house." I could tell by the look on his face, his emotions were getting the best of him. "Well, we're not doing anything major. Just changing the carpet, upgrading the bathrooms and the kitchen." He nodded, looking around again. 

"So, we've gotten all the carpet upstairs. We just need to get the carpet down here, take down the cabinets and rip out the counter tops in the kitchen as well as get the tile out of the bathrooms." Rooster announced and everyone nodded, splitting up into teams. "Phoenix why don't you help me pack up the kitchen before we demo it." She nodded, following me. I closed the door to the kitchen as we walked in and she turned to me. "Are you okay?" I nodded. "I feel so much better, I slept for almost twenty-four hours." Her eyebrows shot up at my words. "Damn, what was wrong?" I pursed my lips, grabbing a box to fill. "It was a manic episode." Her head snapped to me, shocked. 

"Magnolia. They can ground you for that." I nodded, trying to keep my tears at bay. "I apparently had minor ones when I was with Aaron. I go back in two weeks for the doctor to evaluate me. Apparently since we know what can trigger these I have a little more control over it." She nodded. "So what causes them?" I pursed my lips, pulling glasses from the cabinet as she grabbed some pots and pans. "Stress, but it's not every day stress. Like flying, missions, deployments. They're stressful, but feeling like Rooster was mad at me was what triggered it." She sighed, standing next to me and taking the glass from my hands. "You two will probably have arguments, if those trigger manic episodes that's not good." I nodded. "I'm also going to talk to Cyclone about seeing the therapist on base. I'm going back." She smiled at me.

"You think it'll help?" I nodded. "I do. If not maybe I can at least sort out the dream I had." She raised a brow at me. "What dream?" I bit my lip, debating on telling her but I knew I'd feel better getting it off my chest. "I dreamt that I was meeting Rooster on the docks when he was coming home from a deployment." Her eyes widened in a sweet way. "We had a little boy." She smiled at me, excitement showing in her eyes. "And?" I bit my lip, remembering the beautiful little boy. "He had these gorgeous brown eyes and his hair was blonde, like Bradley's was when he was little. He was a spitting image of Bradley." Phoenix's bottom lip jutted out at my words. "We were married and I was pregnant with baby number two and everything." She got excited grabbing my arm. "What was his name?" I furrowed my brows. "Probably Nick, we called him Nicky. But in my dream we got ready for bed and fell asleep and it's like I had a dream inside my dream." She furrowed her brows, going back to packing while I talked. 

"I woke up back at the house in Atlanta." It was a whisper, almost as if speaking it into the universe would make it real. Phoenix slowly stilled, setting the pan on the counter. "I realized where I was and jumped up, rushing downstairs before Aaron grabbed me. He tried to strangle me, saying 'If you want something done, gotta do it yourself.' Even he couldn't do it right." I scoffed as Phoenix pursed her lips. "I kicked him off me and ran out the front door and there was nothing and I just fell and fell until I jolted awake in mine and Rooster's bed. Nicky had stayed with Mav but brought him back in the middle of the night because he was inconsolable and crying for us. It was... everything I want and I think my mind is just feeding my desires."

Phoenix stared at me for a moment, about to say something when the kitchen door was thrown open, making me jump. "Ladies!" Hangman's voice boomed. I gently set the glass in the box, fearing I would drop it. "Wow, I figured you two would already started pulling down cabinets." Coyote said, watching us as we both slowly turned to look at them. "We were uh..." I trailed off, thinking of what to say when Phoenix came to my rescue. "Discussing when Magnolia was coming back!" I nodded as they stared at us. "I don't believe you," Coyote smacked Hangman in the chest as he said it. "But because you've had a rough few days I'll ignore it and help you pack up the kitchen." I scoffed, turning back to my box. "Oh thank you, great Hangman for your graciousness." I said in a posh accent, making Coyote laugh. 

"I'm just doing what Bradshaw says, don't wanna wind up on his bad side." Phoenix glared at him as I gently set the glass in the box. "Yeah, don't want to do that." I muttered as I continued to pack. The room went quiet, save for the clinking of dishes. Once it was packed Hangman and Coyote helped me carry the boxes over to my house. Which I was grateful for until Coyote left Hangman and I alone. "I'm sorry, Magnolia." He said as he set a box down. I looked to him as I leaned on the counter. "Phoenix told me what happened, at least what Bradshaw told her." I pursed my lips, looking at him as he watched me. "What'd he tell her?" He shrugged, tilting his head slightly. "You started the renovation without him and he snapped. He yelled at you and you shut him out." I hummed. "I refused to talk to him, thinking he was angry at me and hated me." 

Hangman scoffed from his spot across from me. "As if he could ever hate you. He couldn't if he tried." I nodded. "When I first spoke to him at the Hard Deck, before the mission, he told me he tried so hard to be mad at me and he just couldn't." He nodded. "Sounds like good ole Rooster." I chuckled as he looked at me. "Phoenix also told me you were at the doctor's office on base. What's wrong?" I looked to him, seeing the curiosity in his eyes. "I'll answer if you answer my question, honestly." He bit his bottom lip and looked at me for a moment. "Okay, but you answer mine first." I held my hand out and he shook it. "It was a manic episode. Apparently I would have very minor ones when I was with Aaron, but this was... a big one. I didn't sleep for three days and I was hallucinating." His eyes widened at my words, shocked. "I'm not grounded, not yet, but I have to go back in two weeks to be evaluated again."

He sighed, running his hand across his face. "I wish you told us, we would've helped you." I shrugged at his words, trying to keep it from being a big deal. "I just wanted to be alone, but now you have to answer my question." He nodded, watching as I moved closer. "What are you and Phoenix?" I watched as his hand went to the back of his neck, and a tinge of red painted his cheeks. "And don't say friends, I know better." He sighed, groaning slightly. "We were friends with benefits, which was working for awhile but then I started seeing her differently while we were in D.C." I nodded as he stopped, encouraging him to keep going. "I asked her on a date and she said no." I raised a brow in confusion. "We would occasionally go out before sleeping together, but I wanted it to be a real date and she shot me down." I smiled at him. The blush on his face told me how sincere he was and it made me happy to know he had good intentions for Phoenix.

"I'll fix this." I said as I rushed out the back door. "Magnolia!" He yelled, following me through the gate, trying to stop me before I got to Phoenix. I managed to shut the back door behind me, slowing him down as I slid into the kitchen as Phoenix ripped the counter top off the island with Penny. "You told Hangman no to a date?" I asked quietly but Penny heard, her head whipping around to us. "You told her?" Phoenix asked, looking past me. "In his defense you spilled first." She huffed, using the hammer on the counter tops on the other side almost flipping it off with how hard she hit it. "Jake, can we have a minute?" I asked, turning to face him and he stood still for a minute, watching for Phoenix's reaction. "Hangman, she has a hammer, my advice is to walkaway." Penny jumped in.

He quietly walked out and I turned to Phoenix. "Normally I would leave it alone-" "Then leave it." She cut me off and I crossed my arms over my chest. "All I'm saying is give it a shot. Who knows, you may enjoy yourself or you may feel like you only work as friends, with or without benefits." She sighed, leaning against the one part of the counter that hadn't had the top ripped off. "I just- I've never really had time for relationship's. I've always focused on my career." I nodded. "And you're in a steady place with a man who understands your job, and is absolutely taken with you." She sighed, running her hands over her face. "It could be forever." I sang out and she huffed. "Or... we might break." I shrugged. "Your head," I said poking the side of her head. "May be yelling at you, saying you could get hurt. But have you ever considered what would happen if you dove in with your heart first?" She looked at me, a scowl on her face.

"I did, and look what it got me." I said, smirking at her. "It got me the same thing." Penny said, standing on her other side, smirking at her. She looked between us for a moment before she sighed. "If this ruins the teams dynamic, I'm blaming you two." She said as she pushed off the counter. "That's fair." I said as she walked out. "They'll get married." I said to Penny who nodded in agreement as I picked up the hammer Phoenix put down. I started helping her remove the counter tops before she turned to me. "We say the same thing about you and Rooster." I raised a brow at her words. "Have you guys talked about marriage?" I nodded. "And children." She grinned at me. "But the marriage conversation was pretty brief." I said quietly, making her look at me. "You have doubts?" It was something I never considered, having doubts. I trust Rooster with my life, my heart, my soul, everything. It's amazing after all I had been through that I would trust him, but he's always been there and proved to me he wasn't going anywhere. "No." She smiled at me. "Good, because if I have to hear about how Pete is pestering him to get a ring one more time, I may pull my hair out."

"Pete is encouraging this?" She gave me a sheepish smile. "Of course he is." I muttered, her smile was response enough. Suddenly Phoenix came back in, a red tinge to her cheeks as she looked at Penny and I. "Not a word to anyone." We nodded, going back to what we were doing. As the day went on, we finished our little demolition. The carpet downstairs was ripped up, the kitchen and bathrooms upstairs had been gutted save for the tubs and shower. Afterwards we all decided to go to the Hard Deck, just for a few drinks and some food. "Portobello and swiss for the lady." Jack said as he slid the plate in front of me. "Thank you, Jack. I'm starving." I said as he handed everyone else their food. We were all spread out around a pool table, a few high tops and the long table on the other side. "And a fresh beer." Rooster said as he came up behind Jack, setting my beer in front of me on the table. 

He kissed my cheek as he took his seat next to me as we watched Fanboy and Coyote face off in a pool match. "So do you guys actually have any plans for the house or are you gonna make decisions as you go?" I looked to Rooster who shrugged. "We decided gray carpet but that's about it. Maybe we should go to Home Depot or Lowe's tomorrow and start making decisions." I chuckled, swallowing the bite from my burger. "That's a dangerous move, Bradshaw." He chuckled, sipping his beer. "We'll leave your wallet in the car." I laughed at his words, knowing he would make me leave it in the car to keep from over spending. "Also, what kind of tree was in the backyard? Every time I went out there I was sneezing my head off." Coyote asked from his spot, bent over the pool table. "It's a southern magnolia tree." Bradley's answer made everyone look at us. Their subjective looks setting my face a flame, as Rooster seemed almost unaware and just continued to keep his arm around my waist. 

"What?" Rooster asked, finally taking notice. "A southern magnolia? My, my Bradshaw, you truly are whipped." Hangman said, leaning on the table next to Maverick. "We went looking for plants one day and Mags suggested a tree, we didn't pick one that day so I went and got one while she was in Atlanta and had it planted in the backyard." I looked at everyone as they looked at each other, grins on their face. But Maverick had a heartwarming smile on his face making me think back to Penny and I's conversation earlier. "You know, I think there is absolutely nothing wrong planting a tree for her." Rooster said as he gently slapped the table top. Hangman chuckled, "Never said there was something wrong with it, just that you're whipped." I smiled looking up at Rooster who had his eyes narrowed at Hangman. "It's okay, I like my men whipped." I said as I placed a soft kiss to his cheek before getting up and grabbing my drink. 

"Where you going?" He said as his hand softly grabbed mine. "Talk to Mav, I'll be right back." He nodded, letting go of my hand as I made my way over to Mav. He smiled at me as I walked over, tossing his arm over my shoulders. "So, I hear you're encouraging him to buy a ring." I said as I took a sip of my beer. "Did he tell you that?" I shook my head and nodded my head towards the bar. "Your girlfriend did." He sighed, removing his arm so he could face me. "He asked if it was a good idea and said you guys had a short conversation about it." I nodded, remembering our conversation after our intense session on the staircase. "A very brief conversation." He hummed in response. "Do you not want to?" He asked, his eyes lingering on the side of my face. "I've been legally divorced for two weeks. It scares me how eager I would be to say yes." He smiled widely at me. "Carole never let him see how upset she was after Goose died, but he knew. The kid always knew. Just after the mission he admitted to me he never saw himself getting married because he didn't want to put someone through what his mom went through." I pursed my lips in understanding. It's hard to consider what and who you would be leaving behind if something happened.

"But then, and these are his words exactly. 'Magnolia almost ran me down in a hallway and I was hooked from there.' I was surprised by his words." I raised a brow at him in confusion. "Bradley could fall for a woman, sure. But to hear he's been all in since the beginning? Goose was the same way with Carole" His words caught my interest. "Carole met Goose in a bar we went to one night. Her date apparently groped her and she smacked him, which caught everyone's attention. Goose offered to throw him out, she bought him a drink and from that moment on he was wrapped around her finger." I laughed loudly at his words. "I've seen pictures of Carole, and I've even seen a few homes videos. She definitely strikes me as a spitfire type." 

"Spitfire isn't even the word for it. It didn't matter what she did, she could've started a bar fight that involved everybody and Goose would've just admired her and the chaos she started." I smiled at his words, wiping the condensation from my beer bottle. "I wish I got to meet them. They seem like amazing people and they raised an equally amazing man." Mav smiled at me. "You know, they would've loved you. Both of them." I looked to Mav, a few tears filling my eyes. "You think so?" He nodded. "I know so." I pulled him into a tight hug, biting back my tears. "That means a lot Mav." He chuckled, pulling away from me. "It means a lot to him too." He said nodding over to Bradley who was watching us. I flashed Mav a smile before making my way over to Bradley. "Good talk?" He asked as I took my seat again. "Yeah, it was good." 

Bradley and I spent all of Sunday looking at paint, bathroom vanities, counter tops, tiles, everything we would need so we could tell the contractor exactly what we wanted. So when Monday morning rolled around, I was excited. I was going back to work and we would finally get this renovation on the move. "If you don't stop, I'm going to be late for my first day back." I said as I pushed Rooster's lips away from my neck. "Fine." He groaned, pushing away from the counter. "Save it for when we come home." I said and he chuckled as I put on mascara. "You excited?" I nodded. "So excited, but it will probably be a day full of paperwork and sitting in Cyclone's office. I lay money I won't fly until tomorrow at the earliest." He chuckled, stepping into his flight suit. "Want me to heat up the left over biscuits from last night?" He asked from the bedroom and I looked at my watch, seeing we had forty five minutes till we leave. 

"Do you mind also cooking some sausage? I'm craving it." I said as I started to put my hair in a bun. "Anything for you, pretty girl." He said as he leaned through the door frame, placing a small kiss to my temple before lacing up his boots and going downstairs. I finished my hair and slipped into my own flight suit. I smiled as I zipped it up, looking at my patches with a smile before lacing up my own boots, grabbing our duffels and taking them downstairs. I walked into the kitchen, spinning around slightly for him to see me. "How do I look?" I asked, walking over to where he stood by the stove. "Like a badass." He said, kissing my cheek. We ate our breakfast in relative silence before we got into the Bronco, Rooster driving us to base as I practically vibrated in my seat. 

Once we arrived I rushed to the women's locker room, shoving my bag into my locker before rushing back out to go to Cyclone's office. I gave a few knocks to the door before I heard his voice on the other side. "Come in." I pushed the door open, walking to stand in front of his desk at attention. "At ease, Lieutenant." I relaxed slightly, looking at all the papers on his desk. "I'm sure you are ready to be in the air but you must read and sign all of these before I can even allow you to put your helmet back on." He said, stacking them all into a folder. "I do have a question, sir." He looked up to me, leaning back in his chair. "After my accident last year I was supposed to be in therapy for three years. I stopped seeing my therapist back home shortly before we left for the uranium mission. What would I need to do to see a therapist here on base?" I asked. My stomach was rolling making me feel nervous, I shouldn't be worried but I was a little nervous Admiral Simpson would pass judgement for my request. 

He sifted through some papers in his drawer before setting a small stack in the folder with the others. "That paperwork is now in there as well, you just have to call and make the appointment." He said, handing me the folder. "Now, follow me. You may not be flying today but I want you in this morning's briefing." I nodded. "Yes, sir." I said as I followed him out the door and to the hangar. We walked through the door, "Stay back here." He said as he walked between the tables, just like Maverick did on our first day of training. "Good morning. Today you will be going over new flight patterns, provided by Lieutenant Becks here." Cyclone said as he motioned to a tall blonde who stood next to him. She smiled at every one as she looked over each member individually. Cyclone met my eyes, telling me to join him so I slowly made my way forward. "I'd also like to welcome back Lieutenant Motley." Loud cheers erupted around us, including a loud 'WOO' from Hondo as he stood by Maverick. 

Cyclone turned to me, my wings in his hand. "May I?" I nodded, allowing him to pin them to my flight suit, stepping back and clapping as the other's joined him. "You start your hop in twenty minutes, dismissed." Cyclone said as he stepped off the podium, briskly walking inside. As soon as the door closed I was yanked off the small stand and into Paybacks arms as he swung me around. "SHE'S BACK!" He cheered as everyone else joined us. I was pulled into many hugs, which I accepted gratefully, until Bob almost broke a rib by how tightly he hugged me. "Oh, I missed working with you guys." I said as Bradley tucked me into his side, kissing my head. "We missed you too, so why didn't you tell us you were coming back?" I chuckled at the baffled look on his face. "I wanted to surprise you guys!" 

"It was a hell of a surprise." Hangman said, his hand landing on my shoulder. "Good to have you back, Magnolia." He said as he opened his arms for a hug. I squeezed him tightly, pulling away as Maverick came over. He pulled me into a quick hug before letting go. "So you won't be flying today?" I shook my head, holding up the thick folder. "Not until this is done." He chuckled. "Don't know where I could do it though. Cyclone walked away before I could ask." Mav nodded. "You can use my office. The rest of you, pre-flight inspections and I expect you to be ready when I get back." Everyone nodded in agreement and got ready as Mav led me to his office. "It's not as nice as Cyclone's but it's a quiet space to work." I nodded as he led me in, motioning me to sit at his desk. "Thank you, Mav. Really." He smiled at me from the far side of the desk. "We're just glad to have you back, Magnolia." 

I spent the rest of the day filling out the paperwork, working through my lunch break to call Dr. Kleninger for my notes, as well as the therapist on base to make an appointment. I was mentally exhausted by the time we were supposed to leave, just ready to go home and talk with the contractor before curling up on the couch with Rooster. "Hi, honey. Missed you at lunch." Rooster said as I walked up to the Bronco. "I missed you too." I said as I leaned on my toes, placing a soft kiss to his lips. "Ready to go?" He asked, taking my bag from me and putting it in the backseat. "Absolutely." I said as he opened the passenger door for me, and helping me in before buckling my seatbelt for me. "I love you." He said as he gave me a wide grin. "I love you too." He closed my door and got into the drivers seat, his large hand immediately resting on my thigh as he drove us home.

It was like the wind washed away my troubles of the day, the breeze bringing me to a sense of peace as I turned to watch Rooster as he drove. "What?" He asked, a small smile on his face as he kept his eyes on the road. "You're just so handsome." I said with a giggle, making him chuckle. "Handsome man gets his pretty girl, right?" I nodded as he grabbed my hand, placing a kiss to the back of it. The rest of the ride was quiet as we pulled into my driveway, seeing the contractor was already here. Rooster got out, coming around to open my door before meeting with him. "Hi guys, I'm Nathan. Head of the team that will be working on the house." We shook his hand in greeting, introducing ourselves. "Wanna go in and look around?" I asked and he nodded, allowing us to lead him in. "Okay, wow. You guys did all the demo yourselves?" We shook our heads. "No, our friends helped us a lot." Nathan nodded, looking around. 

"So let's start upstairs." He said and we led him up there. "So for the bathrooms we want this light gray tile." I said as I showed him a picture I took at Lowe's yesterday. We also picked out a double vanity with dual sinks." It was a white vanity but I'm going to paint it teal for a splash of color in the bathroom. "And what about the shower and tub?" He asked, motioning to them. "The tub hasn't been used in years but we're keeping it and we want plain glass around the shower as well as new tiling in it." He nodded as we walked into the living room. "So we want gray carpet in here as well as the rest of the house." I said and Rooster cut me off. "Except for the dining room. We tore out that carpet but we want to keep the original hardwood that was underneath it." Nathan nodded, writing it down. We went through the house, telling him what we wanted and sending him all the pictures. 

"This is the estimate." He said as he handed Rooster a small piece of paper. His eyes widened and he showed me the paper, my breath catching in my throat at the sight of thirty thousand. "That's a rough estimate, it can be less or even more." I nodded. "What if we did the painting ourselves and say, maybe the backsplash in the kitchen?" He typed on the calculator and it lowered the numbers a little but not much. "How about I give you daily updates and we can keep an eye on your running total? That way if it starts getting too high you can tell what you do and don't want." I looked to Rooster who nodded. "Got yourself a deal, man." He said as he shook Nathan's hand before I did. "Trust me, you won't regret it guys. Thank you for choosing to work with us." I smiled at him, squeezing Rooster's hand lightly. "Thank you for doing the work." 

We said our goodbyes before Rooster grabbed our bags and I unlocked the door for us. "That was steeper than I thought." He said as he made his way upstairs. I followed behind with Dahlia close on my heels. "It was, but if we do some work ourselves it's cheaper. They start in the morning so if they get major things out of the way like the tile and carpet I'm sure we could do a lot just me and you." I said as I let my hair down, he set the bags down as Dahlia dove onto the bed. "Yeah, but this involves some plumbing and electrical work. I'd rather pay the total and know it was done properly." I sighed but nodded. He had a point, we don't want to risk the house on shoddy work. "You're right." I said as we started to change clothes. "Besides, they do all the work, it'll be done sooner." He said, walking over as his lips found purchase on my neck. "Mm, true." I sighed out as he nipped at my throat, his hands finding my hips, pulling me closer. 

"Bradley." I moaned as his hand slipped over my ass, squeezing it. My hands gripped his biceps, my nails lightly digging into his tanned skin. "What is it, pretty girl? You said to save it for when we came home." I chuckled at his words before he tossed me over on the bed. "And now, we're home." He said, grabbing the sides of my underwear, yanking it down my legs and tossing it to the floor. I moaned as he propped my ankle on his shoulder, his hand trailing down it to my core. "I think I've waited long enough." 

The next day I was finally allowed in the air, which had me absolutely giddy in our morning briefing. "Twenty minutes. Dismissed." I practically sprinted out to the tarmac, having to calm myself to do my pre-flight check properly. "Magnolia." I turned to see Maverick jogging over. "I want you to be my wingman for this hop." A mischievous smile grew on my face at his words. "Whose joining us?" He chuckled. "Rooster, Phoenix and Bob." He said just as Phoenix's jet went by, taking off with Rooster not far behind. "Guess that's our cue to get in the air." He said and I nodded as he walked away. I climbed up the ladder, running my hand over my name on the side. "Long time no see, baby." I muttered before climbing in. Once I taxied out and took off, I hung back so they wouldn't see me. 

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen. Ready to practice fighting maneuvers?" They all agreed enthusiastically. I slowly moved into position behind them, smirking to myself. "Bob, is there movement behind us?" Phoenix asked and I could make out Bob turning around in his seat. "Holy shit, it's Magnolia!" He yelled out, making me laugh. "She's my wingman for today, so be ready." I got tone on Phoenix just as she dipped down, trying to lose me. "Not so fast, Phoenix!" I said before following her. Phoenix is an amazing pilot, always has been and I was grateful for the challenge. "Rooster! A little help! Your girlfriend is on my ass!" I giggled to myself as I followed her into a roll, trying my best to get tone. "I'm coming Phoenix, hang on!"

Just as Rooster was about to jump between us I rolled, catching him in my sights just as I rolled back and caught Phoenix. "Dammit, Mags!" I chuckled. "Sorry, honey. No harsh feelings?" I heard him huff and Maverick laugh over the comms. "Yeah, yeah." I spent most of the day with Mav in the air, finally finishing around three. As I got out of the cockpit my phone rang. "Hello?" I asked, my feet landing on the ground. "Hi miss Motley, we were just wondering if you were still bringing Dahlia in today? Your appointment was at two-forty five." I wanted to kick myself for forgetting Dahlia's yearly appointment with the vet today. "Yes, yes. I am so sorry, I just wrapped up with work and I will run home and get her and bring her in." I heard the clicking of the keyboard over the phone. 

"Great, we'll see you in say forty-five minutes?" I nodded, jogging inside. "Of course, thank you." We hung up as I blew by Rooster. "Woah, where you goin', pretty girl?" He said as he caught my wrist. "I forgot Dahlia had her yearly vet appointment today. It was at two forty-five and they just called and offered for me to have her there in forty-five minutes. " I was breathing heavy by the time I finished telling him. "Lieutenant Motley. I need to see you in my office, now." Cyclone said from down the hall. "Dammit." Rooster grabbed my shoulders, smiling at me. "Hey, go. I'll take her to the vet. Same one we boarded her at?" I nodded. "You're a lifesaver, Roo." He chuckled, kissing me quickly before backing away. "It's my job. I'll be back to get you after her appointment." 

He turned the corner and I saw Cyclone still standing there. I blushed, realizing he saw us but he motioned for me to follow him. I did so, falling in step behind him as we walked to his office. As we walked in I looked to see Warlock sitting in a chair in front of his desk. He turned back to face us, standing and shaking my hand, a dismal smile on his face. "I know it's only your second day back, but I have been instructed to give you these." He said, sliding an envelope across his desk to me. I stared at the envelope, my heart growing heavy, having a general idea of what was inside. "These are..." "Orders, Lieutenant." Cyclone said, cutting me off with a disheartened look on his face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist: @mak-32 @rosiahills22 @dhwanishah09

[blsci-nerd]

Rebel Moon rambling thoughts...

Sweet, it's a new scifi movie! And with Bae Doona! This is going to be GREAT!

Ok, ok, starting out strong with muscle arms and hammerhead horses. (Note to self: look up behind the scenes to see how they did this).

Starting to notice an angle trend on our FL. Why is she only shot from the left? What the hell, now this is going to bother me for the rest of the show.

Seriously, ALL. LEFT. SIDE. We could make a drinking game about the times Kora's shot from the right and you would still be sober by the end. Anyways, moving on...

I see we have Space Nazis. And the lead dude has red guards.

Ah, now father figure is handing Kora a weapon he has saved for her this whole time! It's your father's lightsaber.

And now to Mos Eisley Providence! Hey, it's a saloon. Who would've thought? You know, you're going to need a pilot.

But first! My friend doesn't like you...I don't like you, either! Pew pew pew.

Ah, they made it to the ship. Would've lost money betting on a "piece of junk" quip.

Oh...I see Noble gets hooked up to tubes and stuff and is all scarred up underneath his clothes.

Aaaaand now they are on a desert planet and need to free a slave by making a bet involving riding a podracer bennu. Nice.

Alright, they've got space Tarzan! On to the next hero (side note: isn't it chilly in space? Give the man a sweater)

OMG BAE DOONA!!!!!! The reason I am here!!!!! She's using her light sabers light sabers to take down the Borg Queen and I'm not even mad about it. Her gat is *chef's kiss*

Methinks magic Princess Leia Rey Issa is not dead.

What, Djimon Hounsou? Yes, please! For a man hell-bent on drinking himself to death, he seems to have kept up with his gym routine. Well, hose him down and get him on the ship!

Alright, on to King Levitica. Ooooh, cute wordplay 'cause, you know, everything on the planet is levitating. Also nice to see that he has left the Trade Federation for more honorable pursuits.

Oh my gosh, it's the space Kravitz's! NGL, they look pretty badass. Digging the blue forehead makeup they have going on. Glad to see Mad Max extras getting new gigs.

Oooops, bye King Levitica. How did Sharaan last 10,000 years?

Surprise! Blondie is a traitor.

Oof, was NOT expecting that last minute head dodge/gut blast from bad-guy gunman! It's around the 1:48 mark. Awarding "Best Clip of the Movie" (after the slo-mo). And is that it for Cyborg Kravitz? We really aren't seeing him again? Say it ain't so.

Enough about them. Back to Vader and Luke Kora and Noble fighting on a gantry floating buoy.

Yay, Noble is dead! Oh, wait...SHUT UP, they've sent a ship to look for him? And there he is? NOT dead, but almost dead? NO WAY!!!! And now they're hooking him up to hoses and stuff? And he has a MASTER???

*sigh*

I'm done. Will I watch Part II? Of course. Because Bae Doona.

[skell3]

RP Muse: Nathaniel Thorp

This next one is a little obscure, as he only has a statement and is otherwise not mentioned throughout the series. There's sort-of a hint to something in a later episode, but I do not believe it to be the same character. MAG 29: Cheating Death

I have put a lot of my personal spin into this one, so I hope at least someone out there enjoys him. Might be a doozy, but I hope it doesn't run on too much.

June 17th, 1775. Battle of Bunker Hill. The British Army verses The American Patriots. Plus one hungover idiot who went MIA that day, only to return to his country of origin and make a statement almost two-hundred years later to the day.

Nathaniel Thorp joined the army for the fame and glory, only to find he preferred gambling, sex and alcohol much more than the thrum of Slaughter on the battlefield. He paid for it in blood... and yet it also saved him, in a way. Cheating Death in a game of Faro did earn him some semblance of eternal life, but he did have to pay for it in servitude. As Death. No longer a soldier, but a reaper of bone and rags, playing games with dying souls as his own had done for him. None of them won for nearly two centuries, and when one did- they became the reaper as Nathaniel had, and he got his flesh and blood back. Pretty average height 20-something year old, with long brown hair and tired gray eyes. With a little bit of scruff, he could go between vagabond and refined fairly easily. He still has the scars from that gunshot wound that would've killed him; one entry, one exit.

The first few years were rough. There was something else missing that Thorp wasn't entirely sure how to fill. He fortunately had been in the UK when that winning soul took his place, so he hadn't needed to do much more than find a new set of clothes and some cash. Having been through the times, in a way, he watched the world develop and grow around him, so he understand at least basic things. The worst of it, really, was that he was- and is- illiterate. But he could strike up a conversation with just about anyone, win some rounds of gambling at a pub or elsewhere, and gradually build himself up. It was during this that he'd heard of the Magnus Institute, about their library and archives... and he decided to make the trip once he figured out the address. One statement later, and it actually opened up a new sense of purpose for him.

That was the 4th of June in 1972, and over the next thirty or so years, Nathaniel built himself up. He got the money together, bought a casino that had been going out of business, and built it up as well. It was already a newer building, so it mostly just needed some remodeling and repairs... and some good business sense. Of which he had gathered over the years. And he gathered people, too, to help him run things.

Come up to where I've been writing Nate, and he throws a 'death day' party every year, inviting a lot of family heads like Lukas and Fairchild, and a number of others he's sort-of collected as acquaintances and otherwise over the years. Not only that, but on occasion he has a little poker tournament with the same crowd, with more valuable things than money, like favours, thrown into the pot.

Nate's also got a setup something like the End Mafia... where he keeps an eye out for other End avatars out there. Oliver Banks is one of his favourites to have around, just because his thing is a bit unique compared to what Nate's used to. And he's helped Nate with technology a bit, though any attempts to learn how to read and write have pretty much gone out the window. Apparently, he's something called 'dyslexic', and he doesn't have the patience to sit there and figure it out. So he hired people to do it for him, and let others guess if he's figured it out.

Nate's assistant/bodyguard/babysitter/right-hand-man is a larger bloke named Dave who has the patience of a saint, and nerves of steel. He can handle Nate at his worst, and still tell him No if he's making stupid decisions. Gets paid well for it, too, as well as to help send out texts and e-mails and take care of driving when they need to go places.

As for the... thing that seems to be missing from Reapers once they've returned to their skins? While it doesn't sate for very long, nor does it feel quite 'right' to fit the hole in his chest where sleep or food or drink can't fill, killing others is something that helps him keep the edge off. Generally, he only goes for those who deserve it, but... well. The Reapers never just went for the dying souls, after all. And eating and drinking not only tastes like ash, but make him horribly ill, so it's not quite worth it unless he's going for self-abuse to try and see if any of that in particular helps.

At least he doesn't dream, so he doesn't have to have the Archivist in his war nightmares.

BONUS: I like using UnrealEngine's MetaHuman Creator sometimes, and I tried to at least give Nate a face when I couldn't figure out how I wanted to draw him. And this is what I came up with. They didn't have any longer ponytails or it would be near-perfect.

[inkofamethyst]

October 2, 2023

After two and a half days of illness, I'm pretty much back to regular functioning (with occasional sneezes but at least the sinus pressure has majorly receded). This does mean that I'm about two days behind where I wanted to be, but I'm going to have to try as best as I can to catch up so Thursday doesn't ~suck~. I don't really want my sleep to suffer though [edit 2, next morning: failed, reverse bedtime procrastination strikes again], that's a habit I'd like to leave back in undergrad if possible. Man, I can't wait until I'm done with (undergrad-level) classes (though then I'll have to structure my own days which is another kind of challenge).

Anyway back to the house conversation, I'm obviously facing a major hurdle preventing ownership: the down payment. I know I listed out all of those "little" savings goals a bit ago, but preparing for a down payment is a huge goal, like tens upon tens of thousands of dollars in some places, and I don't want that to bite into my emergency fund which I am also trying to build (though the emergency fund will likely be much smaller than the down payment goal). The toughest part is that saving in grad school is terribly difficult. The first year and a half are so are going to be weird because I don't really know what my taxes will look like, but budgeting should become easier as I settle in.

And then and then not only do you have to do a down payment, but also hoa fees, monthly mortgage, insurance, figuring out how to get things fixed when (not if) they break, not to mention all the fees you have to worry about before moving in and all the people you have to pay... so many things to consider, so much cash to raise. And like yes I know that serious saving requires serious sacrifice, but bread and roses man. I wanna get a bass guitar in two years, I'm solidifying a wardrobe, I wanna keep sewing. I don't wanna be so single-track-minded that I'm totally miserable for years (like they tell phd students to not let Being In School stop them from living their lives).

I need to talk to a financial advisor, agh. So many things online are saying that renting could be the better move,,,,, but something deep in my bones tells me that it's propaganda of some sort.

God the way I could've been absolutely insufferable as a (metaphorical) finance bro had I actually taken accounting seriously in high school. Like I totally could've gotten a degree in finance and gone into consulting had I not taken money for granted in high school and really thought seriously about it. Honestly...? That probably would've been an easier way to live than the path I've chosen, but I suspect that what I'm doing will be a bit of fun and probably more intellectually stimulating. So that's okay. I guess.

Another funny thing about this whole ~house~ mini-obsession is that it was merely a month ago that I was freaking out (mildly) about the idea of moving away from home lol.

On to different topic entirely, Knowt has got to be my fav quizlet successor. Having anatomy experience is definitely making these practical cram sessions go by faster.

Today I'm thankful that I'm mostly back to normal and also that I decided to go to this social hour thing where I might've made a new friend (someone who knows my puzzle-friend actually lol)! Now comes the tough part--finding and scheduling things to do with them. It's not like high school where you are with people all the time and come to learn who they are gradually. This takes a lot more conscious effort I feel like.

Okay, enough time spent here. I have (too many) things to do.

[edit, like 20 minutes later: I think I just worked through necessity vs sufficiency in my head and im so proud]

[thunda-bird]

Some years back when I was in nursing school, there was an issue where I failed a clinical placement as a direct result of being given an absolutely incompetent mentor. She hadn't even been a nurse at the clinical location for long enough to qualify as a mentor to student nurses; something I found out about when it was too late to change anything. This woman lied to my face. I'd ask questions, I'd always be assured by my mentor that my performance was great, but she was giving opposite feedback to the college / facility liaison supervisor. I read her feedback and there were incidents described that were utter fiction. The woman who was my mentor was just generally, an awful awful person. I got swapped between 5 different mentors in the course of a month. This was at the height of the pandemic, I'm a 2021 nursing graduate. So my lab time had already been nuked and there were practical skills I never got to practice in lab, and everyone's clinical time was already running on a "condensed" scheduled as a result. So all this time having to be spent proving my skills over and over to new mentors before they could confidently let me care for patients on my own, meant my actual useful independent on-unit time was decimated. My entire experience was botched from day one and my mental health was never worse in my life than it was during clinical placement. I just kept it getting worse and worse feedback and I felt like I was on a treadmill, i was trying as I possibly could and nothing was fixing this shitty feedback I was getting. I learned far too late that these mentors weren't giving me honest feedback to my face and they didn't give a fuck about me. I was having anxiety attacks daily by the time they told me I failed. On one of my last days on the unit, we had a patient who was prescribed Ativan and I was asking questions to my mentor about different medications. I personally have an Ativan prescription because I have severe anxiety. I was asking my mentor "Is it possible to overdose on Ativan? Could Ativan be fatal if given in excess?" and I phrased it all like genuine questions, I pretended I'd never encountered Ativan before. In reality I was trying to get my mentor to help me figure out how much Ativan I'd have to save up to kill myself.

The day before being told I failed, I already knew. I called my parents and told them "This whole thing is making me feel like I don't want to be here anymore. Do you understand what I'm talking about when I say: Don't want to be here anymore?"

They said "This is not a conversation we should be having over the phone. Pack a bag for overnight, we're coming to get you, you're staying with us tonight."

The next day, I was told I failed my placement and I'd have to redo it. Couple days after that, I got a letter in the mail from my college telling me I made Dean's List for my excellent grades that same semester and I broke down sobbing.

I needed time to save up money to pay the fee to redo clinical, and have money in the bank so I could get through 6 weeks of full-time clinical and part-time employment. Seven months later when I redid my placement, I had one mentor the entire time. She was kind, she was honest, she was incredibly knowledgeable. I told her about my previous experience once I knew she was genuine. She told me that facility where I'd done my first placement has an awful reputation for bullying among staff. My mentor told me she'd been offered a job there multiple times and instantly turned it down each time because it is infamous for its toxic, catty work environment. On the last day of my second placement, I was told I passed with flying colors and all was well. At the end of the day I walked out of the facility and I sat in my car and I broke down sobbing in the parking lot because I knew for certain that I would've graduated the first go round if they'd given me a better mentor.

I went through all the notes I'd taken throughout the entire shitshow of my first placement, I pulled out fine-print quotes from student placement handbooks and facility mentor guidelines and I wrote out in full, item-by-item, how badly they fucked up. I had full receipts: dates, times, names, everything. I requested and received a letter from my psychotherapist giving professional testimony that I was her patient, and I had suicidal ideation and extreme distress in a timeline consistent with my placement experience i.e. this is a mental health professional attesting that I was in legitimate, severe distress during sessions on these dates. I wrote out this document and stressed over it for weeks. I had my parents look over each iteration of the document; my Dad works in a HR position in the government so he knows professionalism.

What I wanted was a change to my transcript to indicate a "Withdrawal" instead of "Failure" on my first placement, and a refund of the fees I had to pay to redo it, because I attested with all this proof that these people fucked up BAD.

I submitted the document, I got an answer within minutes from the nursing coordinator at the college, saying that there's nothing they can do because I needed to submit this document within 5 days of being told I failed, to be eligible for an academic appeal hearing. I explained, hey, I didn't do that because I was ready to fucking kill myself because of how bad my first placement experience was. I applied for an extenuating circumstance in appeal submission for health reasons. It was several months of agonizing back-and-forth with all these different admin beaucratic blahblahblah at the college. They wouldn't budge. I looked into a paralegal, it was more money than I could afford to spend on pursuing the issue.

I had a lot of friends in nursing school but because failing my first placement made it so I wouldn't graduate with the rest of my class, I let those relationships fade away. I was too ashamed to tell anyone what had happened. I didn't want anyone to know I failed. I didn't go to my graduation ceremony. I contacted the college and requested they omit my name from any lists of graduates they were publishing from the semester I graduated. When my diploma came in the mail I put it in a drawer without opening the envelope. It's still there, unopened, right now.

A few months after passing my second placement, I got a job offer from the facility where I'd done that placement. I accepted it. I'm still there today. I won an award last month for outstanding feedback from patients & families, outstanding patient care.

I looked over that document the other day and I thought going into it, 'I'm now a few years removed from that bad experience. Maybe I'll look at this and see that maybe I was unreasonable or unprofessional?'

No. I imagine being a third party reading this document and the fact is, that place where I did my first placement FUCKED UP. They didn't set me up to succeed at all. The experience I had there was so fucked up, I still have a lot of issues from it that I think will continue to take a long time to heal from. It's hard to accept that there's nothing I can do about it, nothing will ever be done at this point that can set it right. It's hard to accept that sometimes people get away with being awful.

[musingsoflys]

My husband is driving me crazy

TW 2nd paragraph: unaliving

What a year. What a week. Last week we bought our youngest a motorcycle (dual sport for plenty of off-roading). Cool. Turns out, we need about another $1000 worth of stuff to go with it: new handlebars b/c the original ones bend, also because we need to add guards for the handles and those can't be added to the originals b/c the ends of those handlebars are capped and practically impossible to open up. Plus skid plates to protect the body of the bike during crashes; plus an off-road helmet b/c it has more visibility than the road helmet kiddo inherits from older sib; plus jacket and pants and boots, plus a bag for in front to hold the phone (for map and emergencies); plus...plus...plus.... I'm exhausted with it. If I'd known ahead of time about all this extra stuff, We would've waited to buy the bike till we had some of the stuff already, but my husband is so freaking impatient! I'm also trying to financially plan & prepare for retirement (I'll still get another full-time job), but he is afraid (paranoid) that we'll just end up broke, so he thinks we should go ahead and buy 'all the things' now. And he doesn't think my plan for my next career will make enough $ because his dad pursued the sane career field, and he didn't make enough money at it. Granted it's not a particularly high paying career field, but I have a master's degree, and his dad didn't. And this one's me, I accidentally let us spend the last $1000 we had of emergency savings. So the only "cushion" is credit cards, and they're almost maxed, plus, with the increase in inflation and interest rates, the payments are barely paying off interest now. So I'm trying to pay as much as possible with cash, but the 1st of the month paycheck doesn't go as far b/c of the way the bills come due, plus other kiddo has run out of own $ and is currently not working (is actively looking though), so needs gas money and such. We have the oldest kid's motorcycle to sell ... or trade in as a down payment on a 4-wheeler. It would be nice to be able to someone to go out off-roading with the kiddo on the new motorcycle, for both fun and safety. DH has a job application for the bike shop. I told him I'm on board with the 4-wheeler (the trick is keeping the price down) once he has a paycheck. Oh, and he also still has debt on a card he got at this last job! Good thing we have decent health insurance. Wednesday night, he was feeling extra depressed and unloved. He had been waiting for me to do something for him, but I was getting all the other things done first, and it was taking a long time, over and hour, and he was getting peevish and trying to guilt trip me ("I guess now you're just gonna want to go to bed" instead of helping him out.) He said I shouldn't have stopped him from unaliving himself a year and a half ago. He said he wanted a divorce and then he would kill himself. He looked around the garage at all the half-used equipment he has bought over the years. Like he kept buying camping stuff hoping it would fix our family if we'd just go camping more often, because he likes it so much. He started chiseling a block of wood, and as he turned the chisel across the grain, it slipped. He stopped and said something about needing to be careful, he almost cut himself. He started chiseling again, same pattern, it slipped again and he cut himself right in the webbing between the thumb and forefinger. We were bandaging it but it was squelching, so we decided to go to the ER. At least it got him out of his funk, but I think the cut was subconsciously intentional. This happened around midnight; apparently we checked into the ER at 1am. We got home at 4:45am (the sky was starting to lighten in the east already!).

[soyouthinkucanwrite]

July 2nd - Daniel Ricciardo

Based on New Year's Day by Taylor Swift and this request by @spikejonzed

Fluffly, mentions of sex, banter, nothing graphic.

BTW, I don't know how I've never paid attention to this song, it's so so beautiful and honest. I've thought about this concept before though: the "Sunday afternoon effect", when all the excitement of the weekend wears off and you're just hanging out with your friends, laughing about silly stuff, or cleaning up the house after the party. The thing is, the friends that stay till then are the ones you wanna hold on to, and the same goes for lovers. I feel kind of bad... well not BAD but you know, must be hard... when you're famous and rich, to recognize the good ones from the beginning before you give yourself too much away and it's too late.

To be honest with you guys, I think Daniel must feel a bit lonely sometimes. We all do, but to think that people are only interested in you for your fame and money must be tough... something you worked so hard, that you keep dedicating your life to, to think that that thing is the reason for your heartbreak, to your loneliness... It's a two-edged sword, isn't it? Anyway, I wrote this little something with Daniel in mind, hope you guys like it. Hope he finds someone to be like this someday. Hell, hope I find someone to be like this someday. I think everyone deserves that.

Daniel woke up in his bed, no shoes, but jeans and party shirt still on. The light coming through the windows, shining directly on his face, threatening to make his headache even worse. He let out a groan and turned to the side. There's someone on his bed with him. Shit. He just remembered. Last night was the first time he was introducing (y/n) to his friends. His birthday "small get together" (or at least that's what it was supposed to be) was the perfect opportunity for testing the waters and giving the "next step" without making too much fuss about it, after all, they've only been going out for a couple months and with his tight schedule it meant a lot of facetime calls and weekends, but almost no weekdays and routine stuff.

Yet, he was absolutely smitten with her, she was fun and easygoing, passionate about her own work and friends, but still caring and interested in him. They had amazing chemistry, mind-blowing even. But Daniel had lived enough to know that hanging out with someone on the weekends and knowing their best side was one thing, living through daily and mundane stuff was a completely different thing. Where this could go was still a mystery to him and he didn't want to raise too many expectations before he was sure. Still, she looked so beautiful sleeping, a true vision. He tried to remember if something had happened last night, but judging by his clothes still on, and hers as well, he guessed not. As if on cue, she smiled, with her eyes still closed.

"Stop being creepy" she said smiling. "I can feel you watching me sleep"

"You're not even asleep anymore" he smiled and she opened her eyes. He was taken back by her eyes staring directly into his.

"Still creepy though" she laughed, getting closer to him. He held her and they stayed like that for a while.

"Are you ok?" he asked her.

"What do you mean?

"Aren't you hungover, or sick?" he asked again and she laughed.

"Not at all. I have this really weird superpower, you know, I don't get hungover. Ever, actually" she laughed.

"I don't believe you. I have the headache"

"No, it's true. We did drink a lot yesterday, though" she commented.

"Yeah, well, welcome to having Australian friends. No such thing as light drinking with those guys" he laughed but grimaced at the pain in his brain.

"I'll get you something"

"Huh?"

"For the pain" she explained getting up from the bed.

After a while she returned with a pill and a glass of water, passing them to him.

"Thank you, baby" he took the glass, finishing it. "Come back to bed now"

"Your house... like, I'm not even sure if I should tell you to take a look or just pack your essentials and abandon it" she smiled.

"Uhh" he groaned. "I'll call someone later"

"Like a constructor with a wrecking ball?" she laughed.

"It can't be that bad"

"It's bad" she started. "But we can manage it" He looked at her intrigued. "After a shower" she pulled his hand. "Join me?"

"If I ever say no to that question, just put me in an asylum" he said. "I need a kiss though, as motivation" he smirked.

"Noo... I have morning breath"

"What? Me too" he said pulling her down and kissing her anyway. "Uh, no. You're right. Yours is worst" he said laughing while getting up and walking into the bathroom.

"Asshole!" she laughed following him.

They stripped and got into the shower, taking turns in letting the water run through their bodies.

"Come here" Daniel said, putting some body wash in his hands and spreading them over (y/n) body.

"Hum... this feels nice" she said.

"You're so beautiful" he said kissing her shoulder.

"You're so wasted" she laughed lightly.

"Hey! I'm sober. I'm just too tired. Give me a couple hours to recover, and I'll claim my birthday privileges"

"Birthday privileges? It's not even your birthday anymore" she laughed.

"Okay, but first, it's the weekend of, and second, I didn't get any time alone with you yesterday"

"Fair. And what will be your requests, may I ask?" she asked teasingly.

"Humm... you're so creative" he said kissing her. "I'm sure we'll think of something"

They finished the shower after a while, enjoying each other's company and the comfortable silence.

"Did anyone crashed here?" (y/n) asked when they were stepping out of the shower.

"I have no idea" Daniel answered. "I just remembered going to take a nap and waking up this morning. Shit, we didn't... did we?" (y/n) laughed out loud at that.

"Wow! Really, Dan?"

"We did not. I would've remembered"

"Good save. Such a gentleman" she laughed.

"I drank way too much. Sorry. Don't be mad"

"It's fine. I'm messing with you, I don't remember anything either. To be honest, I don't even remember joining you on your 'nap'" she said making air quotes.

"We're the worst hosts" he said getting out of the bathroom and going into the closet to get some clothes.

(y/n)'s heart swelled at the thought of hosting a party with Daniel. There was something so intimate about that statement, so homey.

"You want a shirt?" Daniel asked from the other room, waking her up from her daydream.

"Yeah, sure" she took the shirt, some underwear, and some sweats. Then brushed her wet hair and looked in the mirror. Not a trace of makeup left. She sighed thinking about how falling into a routine with Daniel meant letting the barriers down.

"Alright, snap out of it" she said to herself, getting out of the bathroom and walking outside, to the living room where Daniel was standing rubbing his neck and looking around.

"This is bad" he said when he saw her joining him. There were empty beer bottles and cups all around the living room and balcony, pizza boxes (with half-eaten slices left behind) in the coffee table, party decorations hanging from the ceiling, and the kitchen was even worse, with liquid spilled on the ground and bottles everywhere. There was glitter all over the floor and the couch - someone had brought some of those party poppers, which looked so much fun yesterday, but no so much now. But the best part was the polaroids, left all over the house with the craziest poses.

"Pack your stuff, we're deserting this goddam hellhole" he said and she knew he was joking, he said that about everywhere, but she still shook her head and rolled her eyes, picking a polaroid photo from the ground.

"Everyone had so much fun" she showed it to him. "I loved meeting your friends"

He took the photo from her hand, it was one where (y/n) was sitting on the couch with two of his buddies from Australia, making funny faces while holding cups. He remembered the moment because he was the one who took the photo.

"How's the headache?" she asked him.

"Almost gone"

"Good. So you don't have an excuse. Move your ass, where are the trash bags?" she laughed going into the kitchen.

"Hey! That was very sneak of you" he laughed but followed her anyway.

They spent the next hour collecting bottles, vacuuming glitter, and just cleaning the whole house. Daniel complained the whole time, but in truth, he was very glad to have her there. Sure, he could just ignore the whole mess and hire someone on Monday to clean everything (he probably would still do that anyway, for the heavy cleaning like bathrooms), but it was really nice of her to just stick around, seeming unbothered by the housework. When she finished tying the last trash bag and putting it on the entry hallway she flopped on the couch besides Daniel, who had called it a day some good 10 minutes ago.

"Done?" he asked her.

"I feel like punching you for asking me that" she answered playing annoyed. He lifted his hand in defense.

"What? I did my part!"

"Men" she shook her head. "I'm surprised you haven't complained about being hungry yet"

"Well, I'm starving! Was just waiting to suggest going out, or ordering in"

"Ordering in, please. I don't want to get off this couch any time soon"

Daniel got his phone out to order some food. It was almost noon, so he thought about something like pasta, some carbs would be nice right now. Then he felt (y/n)'s head drop on his shoulder, her hand caressing his arm. It was such a sweet gesture, so understated, he just stopped what he was doing and looked at her.

"What?" she looked at him.

"I'm really glad you're here. Thank you"

"It's nothing" she smiled.

"I don't mean the cleaning. Well, that too. But just, thank you for being you and wanting to hang out with me, you know, after the party"

"I'll always wanna hang out with you, partying or cleaning bottles" she said and leaned in to kiss him. "Happy birthday old man" this made him smile through the kiss.

"Thank you, young lady" he said still smiling. "Let's feed you now, yeah?"

"Please! Let's get some carbs on this house!" she smile.

"Hey, guys!" (y/n) and Daniel looked up to see Luke, one of Daniel's buddies walking out of the guest bedroom.

"Dude! I didn't know you were here" Daniel laughed.

"Yeah, just woke up. Definitely wasn't hiding in the bedroom waiting for the cleaning end to get out" he grinned making (y/n) and Daniel laugh.

"You know what? Just for that, you're going downstairs to pick up the food when it gets here, and taking out the trash!" (y/n) teased him, tossing a pillow from the couch at him.

Daniel just observed while his friend and his girlfriend joked and laughed. He thought about how right now he was enjoying a feeling of contempt that wasn't really natural or much appreciated by professional athletes, but this time felt right to indulge in it. He felt safe like someone's got him, finally. He took (y/n) hand on his and squeezed it three times, he knew this was already a good thing, something to last. She looked at him, she knew exactly what he meant.

[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

epiphany

Modern Day AU! Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff; Steve Rogers x OC!Reader

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years

[warnings: death]

word count: 3168

Age: 21 Year: Sep. 2015 Location: Brooklyn, NY

"So I was thinking, godparents," Bucky spoke up. He and Natasha were currently finishing setting up the baby's nursery in their new apartment.

They had found a nice two bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, much to Natasha's dismay. Bucky thought it was the perfect place to start their new little family. It was also about a 20 to 30 minutes drive to Bucky's work and University campus. His mom and stepdad had even offered to help them out financially for a bit, just as long as Bucky continued on his path to graduate with his Masters in Music Technology in the Spring.

Bucky had managed to finish his bachelor's and masters program in just the span of 4 years, a whole year earlier than originally planned. He was proud of himself, if there's one thing he hadn't screwed up yet, it was his education. He had fully devoted himself to his education the last four years and it clearly paid off. He had also managed to get a good paying job at a studio as an engineer. He had his whole future all planned out, the pregnancy might've been a curve ball at the beginning but with the help of his family and therapist, he was handling it all so well.

"Oh you don't need to worry about the godparents, I have it all figured out already," Natasha tells him as she folds baby clothes, "I picked Abigail and Dylan."

Natasha on the other hand had decided to put her education on hold. Deciding she wanted to be a stay at home mom, Bucky constantly made sure that that's what she wanted. And she insisted every time that she was "made to be a stay at home mom". So Bucky had to reluctantly allow her to make that decision. 

Which was one of the reasons why his parents had offered to help out for at least the first year or two, they had known their son was already stressing about finances, and trying to respect Natasha's decision. They figured two years would be a good enough time for the couple to build up their savings.

Bucky didn't like the fact that his parents were helping out with money, but he knew him and Nat wouldn't have been able to make it just on is current income alone. At least not until after he graduated, his boss had already promised a raise once he graduated, but that wasn't until May and the baby was due in the next two weeks.  He promised to pay his parents back every cent they gave him, but they told him to just focus on being a good father.

"Abigail and Dylan?" He questioned.

"Yeah," she shrugged her shoulders.

"The same Abigail and Dylan that showed up to the baby shower high, and proceed to get drunk, because and I quote 'babies are so boring'. That Abigail and Dylan?"

"Come on James, they were just joking, plus baby showers aren't necessarily the most fun thing in the world," she rolled her eyes.

"Can we at least each choose one godparent?" He suggested, "You can have Abigail as the Godmother and I can choose The Godfather."

"Like Sam?"

"No, not Sam. Steve," Bucky tells her.

"Oh, then no," she simply said, turning her back to him to continue putting clothes away.

"What's your problem?" Bucky asks annoyed, finally having enough of her attitude, "This entire pregnancy you've been against everything I've suggested."

"Hey, you got to choose Brooklyn," she turned around pointing her finger at him.

"Yeah because I couldn't fucking afford Manhattan Natasha," he stressed, trying not to raise his voice at her, "You didn't want to know the gender of the baby? Fine. You get to name the baby? Fine. You choose the color scheme of the nursery, fine. You choose the hospital. You choose the apartment. God damn Nat, I haven't done a single thing but pay for everything."

"And I thank-you for that," she rolled her eyes.

"But you don't," he shakes his head in disbelief over her reactions, "You haven't thanked me once. I get that you're carrying our child, and I'm appreciative of that. But god damn Natasha, show me some respect. Show my family some respect!

"You didn't thank my mom, Rebecca, or Keith for everything they've done for you. For us. And I can't keep making up excuses to defend you," he raises his voice a little bit.

"If this relationship is ever going to work, you need to be respectful. You need to stop being so selfish. I get this isn't easy for you, but trust me, this isn't easy for me either. But I agreed to do this. I am stepping up. I want to be a part of my child's life. And I want us to be together and be family," he calms down, "But if you continue to act this way. I won't stay in this relationship."

"You're just going to abandon us?" Natasha asks grabbing her belly, suddenly realizing the reality of the situation.

"No, I won't abandon you both. But we won't be together," he explains, "I will always be in my child's life. I will always be there for them. I'm not going to put my child through the same thing I went through growing up. I promised myself I would never do that."

"So if that means that you and I break up, then so be it Natasha, I'll do it," he tells her, "My child will not grow up in a toxic household."

"Okay," she agrees, tears in her eyes, "I promise I will be better."

"Don't promise me Nat, just show me."

Two and a half weeks later Bucky found himself rushing an in-labor Natasha to the hospital, it was a quick k10 minute drive from their apartment. He quickly called his mom as the nurses wheeled Natasha away, with Bucky following.

Bucky's mom arrives within the next 10 minutes, as the nurses begin to prep Natasha in her hospital room.

Bucky sent a quick text to Steve and Sam, letting them know it was showtime and that he'll call them once the baby is here.

"How's Mama doing?" The doctor asked while entering the room, quickly taking her spot at the foot of the bed to examine Natasha.

"It hurts," Nat cried, as Bucky tried to soothe her.

"I know, but unfortunately you were too far dilated when you arrived, that it's too late for the epidural," the doctor softly explains, "But the good news is I feel Baby's head, so it's time to go."

Natasha looked over at Bucky, completely scared.

"It's okay," he assured her, "I'm right here. Everything's going to be okay."

He leaned down an placed a soft kiss to her lips, helping her relax a bit.

"Ready?" The doctor looks up at Natasha.

"Yes," Natasha nodded, grabbing a hold of Bucky and his mom's hands on either side of her.

10 minutes later, a soft cry was heard in the room. Bucky quickly glanced over to where the doctor was had finished pulling the baby out.

"Congrats Mommy and Daddy, it's a girl," she announced.

"A girl?" Bucky whispered in awe, tears filling his eyes. He looked over at Natasha, who looked a lot paler in color.

"Nat?" He called out for her.

Her eyes fluttered shut, her limbs went limp, and all the monitors started to go crazy.

The doctor quickly cut the umbilical chord and handed the baby off to an awaiting nurse.

"What's going on?" Bucky panicky asked.

"Get them out," the doctor told a nurse, ignoring Bucky's question.

A nurse quickly escorted Bucky and his mom out of the room.

"She's going to be okay right?" He asked his mom, tears streaming down his face.

"I don't know honey," she honestly said, wrapping her arms around her son. She never thought the first hug they shared after him becoming a father would be like this.

She continued to hold him, soothing him as she made silent prayers pleading for Natasha's safety.

10 minutes later. The same 10 minutes it took for them to arrive to the hospital. The same 10 minutes it took Natasha to bring their daughter into the world, the door opened.

Bucky quickly pulled apart from his mom to see the doctor walking out of the room.

The doctor's face was filled with sorrow. Bucky's mom immediately put her head down, already knowing the outcome.

"How is she?" Bucky asked.

"Mr. Barnes, Natasha had a postpartum hemorrhage, due to issues with her placenta," the doctor carefully explains, "Unfortunately, there was too much blood loss. We weren't able to save her. She died."

Bucky immediately broke down, his mom quickly caught him. The doctor placed a reassuring hand on his back.

He quickly pulled away after a couple of minutes, "The baby. How's the baby?"

"She's good. They took her to get checked just as a safety procedure," the doctor tells him, "She's on the pediatric floor. Would you like to meet her?"

"Yeah," he says, then pauses, "What about Natasha?"

"We can come get you to say goodbye once we get her cleaned," the doctor tells him.

"Okay, thank you," he says.

The doctor takes him and his mom to the pediatric floor. The walk was silent. No one knowing what to say. Bucky was no longer crying, but he felt numb the entire short walk. The doctor knocked quietly on a door, before opening.

"Doctor Monroe, this is Mr. Barnes, the baby's father," the doctor said, before stepping aside to let Bucky in, "Mr. Barnes, I'll have someone come get you when it's time."

"Okay, thank-you," he nodded his head.

"Are you ready to meet your daughter?" Doctor Monroe asked, Bucky nodded his head.

"Meet your Daddy baby girl," the doctor said, gently handing the baby over to Bucky.

Bucky looked down at the small baby in his arms. He was instantly overcome with so many different emotions. The doctor walked out of the room, while Bucky's mom watched from outside threw the window.

"Hi baby girl," he whispered, sniffling back his tears, "You're so beautiful. I'm your dad. And boy am I lucky that you chose me to be your Dad. I always imagined this day would've turned out a lot differently. But life sure knows how to throw some real curveballs."

"Your mom would've loved you," he paused, letting it all sink in. His daughter will have to grow up without a mother. No little girl should have to be without a mom.

"I'm so sorry," he cried, as the baby was lulled to sleep, "I am so sorry your mom won't be able to physically be here. I am so sorry you'll have to grow up without her. No one should have to grow up without a parent. And trust me, I know what that's like. But lucky for us, I had the greatest pleasure of being raised by the most strongest and kindest mother. She taught me everything I know. Your grandma is the best lady you will ever meet. Lucky for us because god knows we're going to be needing her a lot.

"But you and I are incredibly fortunate that we won't ever be alone. We have so many people who care about us. You'll have all the female leadership you can ever need. We can do this," he strongly said to the sleeping baby, "You and I. We can do this. And I promise you this, that no matter what happens, you will always have me. You're stuck with me for the rest of your life. My love for you is greater than anything, anyone I've ever loved. My love for you will always be easy and unconditional. You'll never have to prove your worth to me. You're worth more to me than you can ever possibly imagine. I love you."

Bucky placed a soft kiss to his daughter's forehead. The first kiss he will ever give her, but definitely not the last.

There was a soft knock at the door, he gently called for the person to come in.

His mom quietly opened and closed the door behind her, stepping to her son's side.

"She's beautiful," she smiled down at the little baby.

"She really is," Bucky beamed. He looked over at his mom and noticed she was holding a clipboard, "What's that?"

"Birth certificate," she tells him, "One of the nurses gave it to me. They said there's no rush to fill it out. You have time."

"Here, I can do that," he said gently holding the baby out for her to take.

"Are you sure?" She asked, switching with him.

"Yeah, I have a name anyways."

"What is it?" She looked over at the name written down:

Poppy James Barnes.

[flashback]

After that talk Bucky had with Natasha, he noticed a serious change in her attitude. She was beginning to be more relaxed and more selfless. Bucky felt a tiny weight lifted off his shoulder. Hoping that these changes in her personality would stay.

"So what do you think about James for a boy?" Natasha asked one night, as she and Bucky made dinner together in their small kitchen.

"For a middle name?" He asked confused.

"No, his first name."

"Oh," he paused, "I actually have never liked the idea of giving a child their parents' name. I feel like it doesn't really give them a chance to be their own person. If their parent is successful then they feel the stress of always having to live up to that. And if their parent is crap then they're forever stuck with that reminder of that person."

"That makes sense," she agreed, understanding where he was coming from,

"Then how about James for the middle name. Whether it's a boy or girl."

"I would actually really like that," he smiled at her, "I would like that a lot."

They gathered up their own plates, and sat at their small round table.

"So what other names have you come up with?" Bucky asked her as he took a bite of his chicken.

"Truthfully, I haven't found any good names. All the girls keep making suggestions and they're way too out there," she tells him, "I don't want them to have a name that's too hard to pronounce or spell."

Natasha's phone started to ring, Bucky got up to grab it for her from the living room. By the time he handed it over to her it stopped ringing.

"What kind of flower is that?" He asked her, noticing her phone's Lock Screen background.

"The California Poppy," she tells him.

"Why do you have that as your background?"

"Well my mom was actually from California," she says, "She met my Dad when they both went to Harvard. They fell in love, so she decided to stay out here on the East Coast.

"The only clear memory I have from her was all the stories she used to tell me about poppy season. How the color just made everything so lively. Her parents would take her every season. I remember seeing all the photos of her as a child surrounded by all the flowers. We looked a like as children," she fondly smiled,

"She always talked about taking me to go see them, but she and Dad were always so busy. Then she got sick and there just wasn't a way for us to go. My grandparents tried to get some out here but it was too late. I never did get to see the poppies."

Natasha was silent for a moment, letting what she said sink in. She's never told anyone that story before, the memory would always make her sad. But now sitting here with Bucky, pregnant with their child, for the first time in her life her mother's death didn't bring her such sadness. She could smile at the memory and know she had the utmost best time with her mother, even if it was short lived, she knew her mother loved her. And she can't wait to shower that love onto the baby inside of her, once they were out.

"We should go," Bucky says, "Once the baby is here we should go when it's poppy season. Plus it'd be nice seeing Steve and Liz's life out west."

"Yeah, that sounds nice," her eyes teared up, seeing how generous this man was in front of her, "I'd really love that."

"Poppy, that's cute," Winifred smiled.

"Yeah, Nat would've loved it."

"They said if you were ready, you can say your goodbyes," she carefully said.

"Okay, you're good with her?"

"Yeah. Do you want me to go with you? The nurses can watch Poppy."

"No. I'd feel much better if she was with family," he tells her, "I'll be fine mom. I can do this."

He gave her a kiss on the cheek before leaving the room.

"Take all the time you need," the nurse told Bucky, as she led him to the room Natasha's body was in.

"Thank you," he quietly said.

She opened the door for him, and he carefully stepped inside.

He walked closer to the body on the bed. He immediately started crying at the sight of her lifeless body.

"God Nat," he cried, "I am so sorry. We never even discussed the possibility of this ever happening. I never even thought of this happening. God I don't know how I am going to ever do this alone. I never imagined myself ever raising a child alone."

He takes a moment to catch his breath.

"She's beautiful Nat, so incredibly beautiful," he tells her, "I wish you would've been able to see her. Hold her. I'm going to make sure she knows everything about you. There's not going to be a day where she doesn't know about her mother."

"When poppy season arrives I'm going to make sure to take her. Every year," he wipes away a tear, "Oh, I also named her Poppy. For you. For your mom. I promise I won't let you down. She's going to have the best life ever. I'll make sure of that. Thank-you for everything you've given me. I truly did love you. Goodbye Natasha." _________________ Age: 22

Location: CA

Year: May 2016

The car comes to a stop, parking in a spot next to a bunch of other cars. Bucky, Liz, and Steve get out of the car. Steve and Liz grab a few things from the trunk, while Bucky gets the smiley baby out of the car seat. Bucky places the baby into the stroller, Steve had gotten out. The three of them began to walk towards the field of poppies.

"Wow, there's a lot this year," Liz says, "Do you want to take her out?"

"Yeah, I'll grab her," Bucky says grabbing Poppy.

He walked ahead of Liz and Steve, taking in the moment with his daughter.

"Look at all the poppies," he whispers to the almost eight month old. She had a huge smile on her face taking in the sight around her.

She was making some babbling sounds, as if to agree with her dad.

The weather was perfect. The sun shining down on them, it wasn't too hot or too cold. Bucky just stared at the flowers, with a peaceful feeling washing over him. The last few months haven't been the easiest, but he was making it. They both were making it. Being here, gave him the reassurance that he was doing good. He could feel Natasha's presence with him there. As if she was silently saying how proud she was of him.

"We're going to be fine," he said to Poppy, placing a kiss on her head.

[farfromsugafanfic]

Sutures - Chapter Two: Conjugate

Genre: Soulmates AU, Idiots to Lovers, slight Enemies to Lovers

Pairing: Yoongi/Named Reader

Warnings (chapter specific): invasions of privacy

Synopsis: “A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” –Jean de la Fontaine

There was only one thing you and Min Yoongi had in common that night. You were both brokenhearted. You only intended to be together for one night, but when you both end up in the hospital the next day you discover that you are soulmates. It could kill you to be apart. As you and Yoongi attempt to sever the bond between you, will another be formed?

Notes: This was originally written and completed on Wattpad between 2018 and the beginning of 2020. I’ll be slowly posting the chapters here. I may make a tag list depending on if enough people want to follow along with updates. Leave me some feedback if you would like added to a tag list.

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You sighed as the nurse pulled the IV out of your arm. The muscles in your body relaxing for the first time in hours.

"There we are," the nurse said. "Looks like you'll be out of here in a few hours. Just make sure not to get too far from that man of yours."

You smiled up at her, not wanting to explain that he wasn't your man and that you'd only just learned his name from a news broadcast a few hours ago. When Eunji had texted you that he was an idol, you'd thought she was joking. She was drunk after all and probably would've called any guy flirting with you an idol.

"This is crazy," Eunji said. "What're you going to do?"

"I don't know," you said. "I guess I'll have to contact him somehow."

"Did you get his number?"

"No, we never intended to see each other again."

"Well, he's looking for you."

---

"Jang Sumi?" a man asked, knocking politely as he entered.

"Yes?"

He bowed politely as he entered.

"I'm Bang Sihyuk, CEO of BigHit Entertainment," he said.

Your eyes grew wide and you immediately bowed, feeling slightly embarrassed you hadn't recognized him and done so before.

"We would like to discuss a proposal with you. If you'd please sit down," he said, pointing to the newly made hospital bed.

You sat down and the man sat down in the chair Eunji sat when you first awoke. "We have reason to believe you are Min Yoongi's soulmate. I'm sure the doctors have already explained that this means the two of you must remain near each other."

You nodded.

"In order to protect his career, we would like you to move into the BTS dorm. We will pay you and compensate you for any trouble."

"What about my career?" you asked.

The man nodded, his shoulders relaxing as if he'd expected you to question him.

"We've done our research and you're an English tutor? You can continue online sessions and do occasional in-person sessions away from the dorm. We don't want to take away your livelihood by any means. We want to protect both of you."

Your mind overflowed with thoughts. You'd be living with seven guys. Seven idols. Would girls get jealous? Would their fans even know? You had too many questions for the man to possibly answer.

You could certainly use the extra money and without having to pay rent, it would allow you to begin saving money. Something you'd wanted since you'd moved out.

You'd have to work less though, but you were sure the compensation that BigHit offered would be more than enough to make up for the fewer hours.

"All right," you said. "As long as I can keep my job, I agree."

---

"Boys, this is Jang Sumi," Bang PD said.

You bowed to the seven boys in front of you, secretly wishing the much more charming Eunji hadn't gone home. Even though it was obvious they had rushed to the hospital based on the various array of sweatpants and messy hair, they all still looked gorgeous.

The boys bowed back and their gazes wandered down to your neck, their eyes wide. You hadn't noticed the bruises there from the night before. You shyly broke eye contact and looked over to Yoongi who sat with his feet dangling off the hospital bed.

You met his dark eyes. Instead of the mysterious and hungry look they'd held the night before, they now looked exhausted and slightly annoyed. His gaze left yours momentarily as his eyes looked down at the bruises on your neck. His face remained expressionless except for a small flick of his tongue between his lips.

"The doctors need to run a few more tests and talk with Yoongi and Sumi," Bang PD said. "We should leave them alone"

The six other boys filed out of the room and you took a seat on the bed next to Yoongi, leaving a large space between you, so that it would be nearly impossible to accidentally brush against one another.

"Hi," you said. "So, it's been an interesting day, huh?"

The boy didn't respond and before you could make more futile attempts to fill the silence two doctors walked into the room.

"Min Yoongi and Jang Sumi?"

You both nodded and bowed.

"All right, I know this is all a bit overwhelming right now, but once we all discuss and decide on the various options, I'm sure you'll feel better." The doctor flipped a few pages on his clipboard before looking back up at you. "So, as you both know, this is still a fairly rare condition. Finding one's soulmate and having it cause heart attack like symptoms is not well understood. Due to this, we request at least monthly check-ups for at least the first year for both of you to ensure your heart is okay and to check your overall health. The rest depends on how the two of you choose to proceed. Are you two currently in a relationship?"

"No," you both answered.

The doctor nodded.

"The easiest and best way to proceed is to attempt a relationship. While it might be awkward at first, for your overall general health, it will be the best way to adjust and will allow the withdrawals to be less frequent and violent in the future. If--"

"No," Yoongi said. "We can't do a relationship."

"What do you mean?" you asked, your head whipping around to face him. The last thing you wanted was to be in a relationship with a man you barely knew, especially the day after you'd officially ended it with your ex. But if the doctors said it was the best way to deal with the situation, you were inclined to listen.

"It's for both of our own good," he said. "You have no idea what a relationship with an idol would be like."

"Well, there are other options," the doctor said, glancing between the two of you. "If you truly don't want to be together, we can work on trying to weaken or even sever the connection between you. It is rare and difficult to do, but it has been achieved. You will have to stay in the same building as the other person most of the time. There do seem to be some exceptions such as work or situations where the other absolutely can't be present. However, at first, these withdrawals will be powerful and you may not be able to leave the building without the other person at all. For the first week, we suggest not doing so.

"In order to attempt to sever the connection, we will have to monitor your mental health and work to keep the relationship on track. While you don't have to remain distant from each other, it is important to not have feelings for each other, or else it will not work. You will have monthly or bi-weekly appointments with a psychiatrist who is trained to work with cases like this.

"You will also experience something we like to call urges. These are instances of extreme attraction to one another. It will be extremely difficult to be apart from each other during these times. It is important that you be together in these times, but if you are choosing not to pursue a relationship, you must do your best to resist the attraction."

After the doctor was done explaining everything and had recorded your decision to attempt and sever the connection, they drew blood from both of you and allowed you to leave.

---

You'd spent the rest of the day packing. Your things were going to be confined mostly to one room, meaning you had to downsize and choose what was most important to you.

You heard a knock on the door and before you could answer it, it was already open and Eunji and the entirety of BTS came through your door.

"Sorry if I scared you," Eunji said. "I let them in."

"Sumi," the tallest one said. He was the leader, Kim Namjoon, according to Google. You figured you should at least try to learn your new roommates. He introduced himself and the rest of the boys, other than Yoongi. "We decided to help you pack up before the movers get here. I'm sure it's quite overwhelming to have to move all of a sudden."

"Yes," you said. "This is very sweet. I guess, um, you could help clean up a bit? I haven't had a chance to clean the kitchen since I got home. And, maybe someone else wouldn't mind getting dinner?"

"No problem," Namjoon said, motioning to the members.

"I'll be in my bedroom if you have any questions or need me for anything."

Eunji was already bonding with the younger members of the band and showed them where all of the cleaning supplies were kept. You smiled at her ability to make friends quickly and headed back to your bedroom.

Your suitcase laid open on your bed as you sorted through your clothes, trying to decide what to keep. You'd already packed the essentials, the rest of your closet spread out around the suitcase.

You felt something soft beneath your foot. You bent down and picked up the fabric, recognizing it as the dress you'd worn out the night before. You hated to leave it behind it, but you weren't sure you would need such a nice dress again. And if you did, you could just borrow one of Eunji's. You folded the dress and were attempting to make a decision when a knock sounded on your door.

"Come in."

The door opened and Yoongi walked in. He wore a beanie, a sweatshirt, and a pair of jeans. You almost liked the more casual look on him more than the slightly more dressed up look he'd worn when you first met. You weren't sure if you truly liked it better or if it was just the connection between you talking.

"Sorry to intrude," he said. "I was just wondering if you needed any more help? The rest of the boys pretty much have it handled out there."

You tried to put aside the resentment you felt for the boy from earlier in the day when he so bluntly decided not to follow the best option and try the relationship.

"You can pack up my knitting stuff," you said pointing over to your desk in the corner where you kept yarn, knitting needles, and the various guides. "Just be careful not to tangle the different yarns together."

He nodded and grabbed an empty box and carefully placing each skein in the box. You turned back to the dress in your hands. You fingered the soft fabric and sighed as you went to set aside. Before you could set the dress with the rest of your discarded clothes, you felt a hand take it from you. You looked up at Yoongi, who held the dress and placed it into the suitcase.

"It looks good on you."

---

"You like to knit?" Yoongi asked, a few minutes later.

"Yeah," you said. "It calms me down when I'm stressed."

He nodded as he placed the rest of the items from the desk into the box.

"Sumi!" someone called from the hallway.

"What do you want us to do with this?" one of the boys asked, you believed his name was Jimin, followed by a blond-haired boy, Taehyung. Jimin dangled your stuffed cat in the air, a smirk across his face.

"Hey!" you said. "Don't hold Kitty that way!"

The boy laughed as you snatched the stuffed animal from him. One of Kitty's button eyes was loose and dangled slightly, causing her eyes to look uneven.

"You named it Kitty?" Jimin asked laughing.

Eunji came into the room. She seemed slightly annoyed with the two boys who had run off from their duties.

"I was four!" you said, looking down at the stuffed cat. "Besides, it's an English name!"

"All right, all right," Jimin said, relenting his taunts. "Do you want to take Kitty or not?"

You made eye contact with Eunji who's eyes were wide. She knew what Kitty meant to you, but Kitty was also falling apart. Her eye was the least of her trouble, you'd sewed the majority of her seams back together multiple times. You didn't want to risk Kitty getting lost or falling apart altogether. You knew it was time to let her go.

"She is pretty old and I'm getting too old for toys anyway. Um, I guess put her in with the donation pile." You handed the stuffed animal back to Jimin who took it and hesitantly walked from the room.

You felt tears pricking at your eyes, but you held them back and went back to sorting through your clothes. The task felt harder all of a sudden, but eventually, you finished, zipping up the suitcase.

---

It was late by the time you arrived at the dorm. It was huge, the biggest apartment you'd ever seen. It was surprisingly clean for being inhabited by seven boys, but you figured they were just too busy to cause much of a mess.

The extra bedroom they'd been using as storage was already clear for you. You made your bed and then opened your suitcase and began emptying it into the dresser.

"Need some help?" Namjoon asked, standing in the doorway.

You smiled at the boy as he began sorting your clothes, making it easier for you to put away.

"Thank you," you said. "I'm exhausted and I'm honestly dreading the rest of the boxes getting here tomorrow."

He nodded.

"We've moved a lot," he said. "Sometimes I feel more tired after moving than dance practice."

You both laughed lightly.

"They told me you're an English tutor?"

"Yeah," you said.

"It'll be nice having someone else who can speak English."

"None of the other boys can?"

He shook his head.

"No, they all understand a little. But none of them are fluent."

"We'll have to change that then," you said, laughing.

"How'd you learn it?"

"My mom grew up in the US. Her parents were from here but moved to the US when my mom was a baby. She met my dad when she was here visiting family and she ended up moving when they got married. So, I grew up speaking both Korean and English. My parents recently moved to the US actually, to be closer to my grandparents."

"Wow," he said. "That's a better story than mine. I just watched Friends."

You laughed.

"That's more impressive though. You taught yourself. I kind of just learned it the same time I learned Korean."

You felt some of the nerves you'd felt coming into the dorm beginning to leave you. While you were sure it would talk longer for you to adjust, the boys had all tried to be as helpful and welcoming as possible. Even Yoongi. Despite the fact he'd barely talked to you, he still helped pack up your apartment.

"Sumi," you heard another voice say. You turned around and saw Yoongi standing in the doorway, his eyes focused on his phone. "We have a problem."

"What?" you asked, your eyebrows knitting together.

"Someone found your shoes."

"My shoes? You mean, the ones I left at the bar last night?"

Yoongi nodded.

"Someone is selling them online. They're using the connection to me to get attention. The bidding ends tomorrow."

You grabbed onto the dresser and tried to steady yourself. You'd expected something like this to happen eventually, but just twenty four hours after you'd even met Min Yoongi?

You heard Namjoon say something to Yoongi, but you didn't catch what it was. You felt a hand on your shoulder and saw the leader looking straight at you.

"We're going to get this figured out."

All you could do was nod.

[idjitlili]

Shrimp Dick Azog.

Kili x reader, requested by anon.

Summary:  Kili convinces you to to join him on hiding from his royal duties as a prince.

Word count: 2899

Warnings: Language , sorry watched Moulin rouge.

So, you hadn't actually grown up with Kili and Fili, more like bloody thrown from the sky a year ago, into their world. Not their world, middle earth. Was not the best thing you wanted, you had just been walking down the stairs with a lightsaber,why a lightsaber? You knew the answer, whether it was yours or someone else's, you knew.

Oh, the dwarves did not like that at all. Surrounding you in a circle a circle , most under average height men, one tall old man and a cute curly haired toddler. Activating the lightsaber, glowing blue, humming as you held it, several confused faces around you.

"Witch!" The men definitely did not know of the modern world, you thought you had landed right into 17th century.

"I do not know what your game is, kidnapping me , but I will use this, stay back!" Feeling like Wendy from the shining, swinging the lightsaber.

Swoosh.

Woosh

Pssshhew

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvVVVVVVVVVVVv

vvvvvvvvvvVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvWWWVV.

Yeah wasn't long after that you were a part of the company, you had a higher purpose according to Gandalf, so be it. Okay, it would've been horrifying if you had accidentally hit one of the dwarves when you first met them, not long would they have killed you. Why? Because some how it had became real getting into this world.

Basically you were a padawan and a Jedi master at the same time, highly dangerous with no experience. Was this necessary for the Gods to do this? No it was not, however , Lili just misses Obi-wan, okay?

Being very young, not a minor, but young in the eyes of the dwarves being between the ages 60 and 300. You had been befriended by Fili and Kili quickly;even if you were shy and made friends difficultly. They welcomed you and made you feel comfortable, oh don't get me started on little Ori. He knitted you a blanket within an hour of your arrival, he wasn't just the youngest , he was the sweetest.

Kili right off the back he was a teasing, you weren't sure if he just wanted to get a hold of the lightsaber.  Of course you couldn't just be Fili or Kili's friend you had to be both, they were not just brothers, they were best friends.

You did end up being best friends with both, Kili on a slightly higher level.

At the battle of the five armies, no one stood a chance, the orcs struggled to defend themselves from the lightsaber. Though, you should've let Thorin killed Azog he would not have made it. So, you had simply cut Azogs shrimp dick off and then sliced him in half.

Thus, the battle was won, saving the line of Durin was your greater purpose.

Though, once Azog was defeated Fili and Kili had run into the ice ,unharmed mostly , towards you and their uncle. Kili had slipped pretty fast, smacking his face right into the solid ice, you were surprised he didn't break his nose. Fili went to stop but his younger brother was already back on his feet grinning larger than ever running again.

Your lightsaber still on, humming in the background, stuck out to the side. Thorin heavily breathed, his arms crossed like he was not exhausted , thankful his nephews were safe.

"Oh, OH, who did that?" Kili and Fili smiling up to their uncle and you briefly before Kili had noticed the tiny dick on the floor. Maybe Kili had trouble distinguishing what the small thing was, Fili and Thorin joining in to look. Thorin's face snapping back to yours with disgust ,sighing.

"Y/n, you cut Azogs cock off?" Jabbing Kili in his ribs, at his language , Fili had let out a snort of laughter, patting you on the back.

"I'm sorry, who killed him? Me? So,"

Kili hadn't hesitated picking up the small dick, with two fingers, holding it up to you, too close, stepping back, he had stepped forward.

"Stay back, stay back, I'll kill you with the lightsaber or I will run away with Legolas I always wanted to taste a princess's puss- STAY BACK."

The rest of the company not long after had made it to the four of you, and the shrivelled dick was taken and put on to a cocktail stick . Placed in a glass box on display to present their power towards the Orcs. You were not sure really why they thought that would be a good idea.

Imagine bomber comes in and mistakes it for cocktail sausage.

Erebor was reclaimed, you Bilbo welcome to stay for your contribution to the quest, not just because you saved their stupid arses. Anyone could have seen that was a trapped. Bilbo had went home not long after, promising he would come back, he just really wanted to check on his hole. You having nowhere else to go you stayed.

Though it was a good idea to start, as Erebor filled up the less time you spent with the brothers. The royal duties pulled them away constantly. It was not like you exactly fitted in, you were human, you didn't have a beard to your hips, you were a 'warrior' now but that was because you a had a fucking lightsaber.

Most days you'd be in your chambers with a book, good from the kitchen, or taking your little money from the quest to the now rebuilt markets of dale. It was hard to make friends, so, you were alone. Sometimes you'd visit Bofur in his toy shop or Ori in the library.Frankly , you went to Ori often, he gave the best book suggestions.

You rarely saw Fili or Kili anymore unless they were rushing by you in the halls in a hurry , not even glancing at you.

A whole month of being alone had went by, on that night you began to pack. You figured to go visit Bilbo before heading Gondor, it had been without an heir for years, with Ecthelion II as the steward. Minas Tirith was the city of man, you had no where else to go. Unless you lived in Mirkwood as a witch.

With your bag packed, you left your chambers, during the night, early morning, so that you would not be questioned. Your shoes tapping against the stone , leading yourself out of Erebor quickly.

At the top of a set of stairs is when you head it, the pounding against the stone someone was running. Rushing down the stairs , at an increasing speed, trying not to trip. "Y/n?"

Your face. Your race. The way you talk, I kiss you are beautiful. You knew that voice, the voice of a flirt now panic, as you ran towards the entrance of Erebor.

"Y/n, wait!" But you didn't you continued running as fast as you could, ignoring Kili's pleads that echoed through the empty halls. Well, until you tripped landing flat on your face, against the cold stone, just as Kili had.

"Y/n!" Rushing towards you still, he had knelt by you, flipping you on your back, your eyes shut and motionless. "Please , don't be dead." His voice soft, letting out a load dramatic sob, you were not sure if it was real, his hands on your cheeks squishing them. Pushing his hands off you forcefully, sitting up to look at him. The moon light brightening his face from the sark halls, only a few candles were lit.

"I'm not dead; just wanted you to go away." His shoulders sank , as did the smile he gave you, his chestnut eyes dulled looking over your form and your bag.

"Where are you going...y/n?"

There was no point lying, you were clearly going somewhere, no I'm not going anywhere bullshit.

"Gondor."

"Gondor? Gondor?! Why would you go there? What do you have there?" He was not happy, you both just sitting on the cold floor, staring at your feet as Kili stared you down.

"What do I have here? I've done what I was meant to." Kili had scoffed in annoyance his face scrunching up as you stood from the floor.

"You cannot be serious. Y/n/n, please, I was coming to see you before I saw you in the hall. Don't leave."

"Well, that's lovely."

"Y/n, please don't leave me, please..." The voice soft, cracking into a higher pitch, your feet halted in place.

"Walk me back to my room."

With that, Kili did a bright smile on his lips, grabbing your bag, and your hand. As he skipped to your room, pressing a large kiss to your cheek.

"See you in the morning, love!"

You were alone again, sleeping in your bed with all the furs over you, you fell into slumber. What only felt like minutes had been hours , waking up from your door being slammed open. You forgot to lock it... Jumping out of sleep to see who was there, your hair stuck to your face , your eyes sagging.

Closing the door, there stood Kili smiling at you panting, his hair wind swept, leaning against your door. You had let out a groans falling back onto your pillow, your eyes slamming shut. For a moment there was no sound no nothing, but you knew you would not be able to go back to sleep. Especially when Kili had jumped onto your bed, specifically onto the pillow next to yours.

Turning your head to the side, there laid Kili his head held up by his hand with his arm in a triangle. Yeah on his side, that pose, grinning at you.

"Good morning."  Half tempted to grab your pillow and cover his face with it you had let out a moan again, flipping to face the other way. The bed got lighter, Kili had left no he had not, he was going to do something you wouldn't like. Seconds later, the squeaking of draws being opened , hit you, you were not getting more sleep.

Your eyes now wide, after rubbing the sleep from them, sitting up against your pillow- You could clearly see Kili going through your draws picking items of clothing out. Wait, what was he wearing? He had a long brunette wig on. Hold on he was not picking out one outfit, but two. Did he think you were the same size?

"I'll buy you more." Like he knew what you were thinking, he turned and threw some clothing at you. "Hurry up, I need you to help me." His tone serious, not harsh nor loud just differently his flirtatious usual tone. There was no point arguing, the stubbornness of dwarves.

Going behind the divider after peeing you had gotten dressed quickly. "Take your tunic , and pants off, put on the undergarments for when I'm done."  Standing still for a moment Kili watched your shadow, opening his mouth to disagree but quickly closing it. He wondered about how you did not even question what was going on.

After it was clear for you to come out, Kili had thought you would laugh, but instead you loosened corset lifting it over his head and over the shift. "Do you want it tight?" Your casual tone,  caused Kili to become distracted, your hands gripping the strings waiting.

"I'm sorry, did you say t-tight?" Kili looked at you in the body sized mirror his cheeks pinched pink noticing you holding the corset strings.  "Oh, just believable not too tight." Kili's mind was somewhere else. Letting out a dramatic cough at the slightest pull you had decided that was enough, he'd moan for the rest of the day.  You hadn't been used to these dresses either , you rarely wore them, only since you had been in Erebor. That was only for special events, today must be one of them.

The petticoat already on him, helping him into the hoop. Keeping his own shoes, you had pulled the final dress layer on him, helping him with his wig no gloves his hands were too big. Okay he had thick arse, muscular chest so he looked like dam. Kili stood before you, dressed in your clothes, he had only stubble , passing as a Darrow dam would not be hard.

"Truly beautiful, Kee." As he spun around in front of the mirror before stopping in front of you, grinning widely. "You think?" Nodding at him, he spun again. "As do you ,my lady." You had scoffed, as you brushed your hair.

"Why did you need me do this?"  Dramatically he had turned back to you with his mouth open. "You of course, how else am I supposed to get out of my duties, if everyone can recognise me?" That was very clever for Kili anyways, had he been thinking about this for a while?

“Well, what are you going to do today, Miss?”

“We are going to flirt with old men.”

“What?”

“Come on, we have some mischief to cause.”

That’s how you ended up at a ball, which Thorin was fuming because he could not find his nephew, Fili had told Dis that Kili had went to Dale for Bofur. She did not believe it. A ball without a Prince? Disgraceful.

Whereas he was there, with you. Pretending to be well behaved woman as you ate food and drank. Music playing in the background...wait was that Jareth singing? Yes it was, sorry about that, oh and Freddie Mercury? What? I’m sorry Kenobi too?

Men approaching the both of you, Kili laughing along with their jokes, and slapping them ‘gently’ on their shoulders, one had dropped their glass, rubbing their shoulders when walking away.

It was very embarrassing when both of you were facing the food table when you had been tapped on the shoulder. “Can I have a dance, my lady?” Both of you turning around, at the same time, Fili’s eyes widened when seeing it was you.

“Oh, Y/n, you look absolutely lovely, and who is your friend?” His eyes meeting Kili as he sipped his drink, spitting his drink all over Kili. His eyes travelling up and down his brother in shock and disbelief.

“Kili?!”

“Shh! I am Keanu, of the blue mountains.” Fili had looked back at you covering your face from trying not to cry with laughter, his face reddened snorting out a laugh too.

“This was his idea wasn’t it?” Nodding at the Prince he had bust out with laughter, lifting your hand to his lips pressing a kiss to your knuckles before travelling away, towards Dwalin...

“Would you like to dance, y/n?” It was not strange for woman to dance together, nodding, he had grabbed your hand as the song changed, leading you to the floor. Heroes tune playing , anything is possible.

‘And you, you can be mean.’

‘And I, I’ll drink all the time.’

‘Cause we’re lovers’

The two of you elbows locked as you swung around together, dancing around , Kili had even lifted you above his head like he was Patrick Swayze. You told him you couldn’t do that back. Eventually ended up become tired really fast, your heads in each other’s shoulders, careful Kili’s wif did not fall off.

Swaying together, your eyes locking as smiling at each other, giddy. Kili’s eyes flickered down to your lips for split second before returning to your eyes, trouble is what comes from that smirk.

“You know what would really cause a scene?” Shaking your head slightly, frightened, well not really.

“If we kissed, right now.” Your heart pounding in your chest, he wasn’t seriously surely? His hand reaching to cup your chin, his chestnut eyes glistening in the yarn light.

“What are you are you asking, Kili?” You weren’t sure if he even heard your whisper over the noise of the ball.

“Y/n/n, darling, can I kiss you?”

“Yes.” His lips were upon yours pressing a long peck against your soft lips, before pulling away from them. The cold air hitting your lips from the loss of warmth. Cheeks pink ad you looked at Kili. “You know, I love you, Y/n.”

“Yes, I lov-“ Though your confession was cut short, as several gasps had alerted Thorin and most of the original company, as well as Dis. Who all saw some of what had just happened, yes lesbian relationships did happen in middle earth just not often. Nor were they so public.

“Y/n!” Thorin called you other, your hand intertwined with Kili’s you pulled him with you, towards Thorin, Dis, Fili , and Dwalin. Thorin’s disproving gaze on both of you, jealous not disproving, he longed for a certain small fellow.

“I am sorry to disrupt your night with your date, but for your safety I must advise you do n-“ “ Kili?!” Dis had interrupted her brother, Dwalin had sighed under his breath. Thorins head had snapped to his sister looking around for Kili with no luck. Until, he had followed her eyes, to next you.

“Kili?!” Smirking at his uncle, oh gosh he looked like he was going to have a stroke, how could he not see it, this was like Clark Kent with no glasses just a wig.

“Sorry, this is Keanu, Kili is in Dale at the moment.”

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.