#would still deserve treatment in spite of that claim most often being used to argue to the contrary)

[fiapple]

the tags on this post elaborate, so i deeply encourage reading them, but there has to be more acknowledgment that mental illness can be a disability for some people. Anything from depression to personality disorders to schizophrenia can disable a person insofar as making them unable to function. It does a disservice both to those who are disabled by their mental health & those who feel their physical &/or neurological disabilities are inextricably interlinked to their mental health experientially to pretend otherwise.

[salarta]

Time for my first topical post on Tumblr involving Polaris and X-Men/Marvel in a long while! To get it started, I've had "this song"Wait For It" from Hamilton in mind since this morning, and I'll be getting to why under the cut.

I learned about Polaris in 2009. Not from a comic, or a cartoon, or a show, but from just randomly stumbling upon her with the Marvel wikia.

Imagine learning this awesome character exists that you never knew about, after literally decades alive, purely by chance. And seeing how little respect people at Marvel have for her, and how poorly she's been depicted for the most part as compared to her actual potential.

Many people aware of Lorna nowadays know of her thanks to the Wolverine and the X-Men cartoon, or thanks to Gifted, or appearing in video games, or winning the X-Men vote. But back when I learned of her, she had none of those things. She was just appearing in the WatXM cartoon, but it's been kind of a slow burn for most people to learn about and watch that.

My point is this: Lorna's gains in all these respects were different kinds of battles.

Fans needed to push for Lorna to appear in video games. Fans needed to draw attention to Lorna on Gifted. Fans needed to vote for Lorna for the X-Men vote and argue in her favor.

And all the while, fans needed to push back against poor treatment and poor attitudes toward her by people working on the comics.

A decade ago, Tom Brevoort tried to argue that Lorna "couldn't" be Magneto's daughter, and misused his power as editor on the Avengers books to exclude her from Magnus family matters on those books and replace her with other characters. This included having a House of M portrait redrawn in Children's Crusade to replace her from a rando, leaving Lorna out of Axis and having a corrupted Wanda claim Magneto "has no kids" after the forced retcon on the twins being his kids, and trying to replace Lorna as Wanda and Pietro's sister by introducing another color-coded character.

Jordan White kept misusing his power to try and force his nostalgia for Havolaris and for 90s X-Factor onto Lorna. Everywhere Lorna showed up, Havok was forced into her affairs one way or another. This went so far as to have a bubble in Prisoners of X depicting 90s Lorna and Havok kissing as one of her memories, but NO bubbles showing her experience on Genosha, whether as someone who supported it or someone who survived its genocide.

Yet, Polaris fandom is still here. We're still fully aware of her REAL potential, and still pushing damn hard to see it realized, in spite of people who work on the comics thinking she doesn't deserve good things. Whether it's Brevoort essentially saying she doesn't deserve to be Magneto's daughter and the twins' sister, or White saying she doesn't deserve to be a star or have meaningful stuff done for her while trying to dismiss her winning the X-Men vote as "oh she only won cause she was on Gifted."

And that's the connection to "Wait For It."

Getting good things for Lorna is an uphill climb. We're facing decades of poor treatment, and ignorant nostalgia for that poor treatment by editors who don't care about good work and potential, just whatever personally pleases them. People with big egos who think they don't have to try to be better and offer better.

Getting these good things very often requires being confrontational. Saying things people don't want said, and saying them in uncivil ways. And I'm not saying every occasion merits that approach, cause that would be absurd. You use different tools for different jobs.

But, in the end, you can't just play nice all the time either. Doing that gives the impression that Lorna really doesn't matter, because if she did, wouldn't she have fans willing to fight for her? Who want better than the crumbs they get every so often by assholes just to appease them?

Fact of matters is, as fans we take out of necessity, because certain assholes force us into a position where we must. Where that's the ONLY path open toward positive change. Where changing the game from their terms to ours is part of getting there.

And in spite of efforts to undermine fandom, we keep winning anyway.

But it takes time. Make no mistake that making good things happen for Lorna is not an overnight deal. We're not dealing with a blank slate of attitudes where just hyping up the character is enough. We're confronted "given wisdom" and entrenched attitudes that are very negative toward her.

We're challenging the perceived status quo. That's going to rile more than a few feathers. People like the comforts of status quo, especially as they get older and existential dread starts to creep in. The options in dealing with those people are either give up or challenge them. And if we're really fans, we'll challenge what they think is right to get them to open their minds to Lorna's real potential and what she really has to offer.

The end goal is something we work toward, but satisfaction of actually getting it is something we have to wait for along the way.

[goodboicerberus]

What I am Worth to You

December 25, 2019. 

For once I want to write in simple terms.

You argue that there is a time in life when a person should be able to make decisions entirely for themselves. They have the freedom to be themselves, without fear of consequences. They should not have to compromise, whether on the level of dreams or minor inconveniences, because they are living for themselves. The merits of the argument are clear: this is a time for a person to figure out who they are and what they want, and then to chase their dreams with nothing holding them back. It’s an opportunity to focus on working on themselves rather than working on a relationship. 

I don’t disagree that there is a time for focusing on ourselves. I simply disagree that such a time can or should be lived out in a vacuum. We all have friends and family and coworkers. To be human and live your life means being surrounded by people, and people have emotions. 

I am already here. I already care. I already feel joy and pain and anger with you, according to the decisions you make. You don’t get to decide how I feel about the things you do, you only get to decide whether you do them. Whether doing them is worth whatever consequences it has. Refusing to give me a title? To call me your girlfriend, to be exclusive with me, even to have feelings for me? None of that means that the consequences of your actions go away. 

I am in your life, so your actions affect me. I am always very clear about what kinds of feelings I will have about your actions...and really, do I have such suffocating rules? Fuck other people, but maybe not on Christmas eve when you said you would be with me? Kiss and fondle and put your dick in whoever you want, just not during specifically the two minutes on either side of 12:00 on one day of the year? I am sensitive and dramatic and often react emotionally before I have a chance to rein things in, but how hard is it not to stab so deep? 

What conclusion can I come to, but that my worth is just a grain in your sandbox? You say I’m important to you, but so many more things are more important. Your long-distance friendship is more important than my dignity. Your option to do some small, specifically unimportant thing is more important than the hours I will spend thinking about it or trying to ignore an ache in my chest. Your convenience is more important than my feelings. 

Again, and again and again, your convenience is more important than my feelings. And ultimately, making that choice over and over does have consequences, but those consequences are still not more important than your convenience:

You would, without hesitation, rather I stop being a part of your life than for you to ever be inconvenienced. 

Either that, or you are openly manipulating me because you believe I will never have enough self-worth to walk away. Neither option values me as a human being, let alone as someone important to you.

You want to focus on you, but not on you as a friend, or a lover, or a partner. You claim to want to improve yourself, but you scoff at every opportunity to do so, to make a different decision than you did in the past. It’s like you think there’s going to be a day when everything is new, and you will suddenly be able to start fresh, and that you think that I am distinctly part of everything old, and thus subject to the old treatment. You want to treat your friends better? Treat me better. You want to treat your romantic partner with all the good they deserve? Treat me like that. 

I’ve been willing to work with you. I care about you enough, whether as a friend or more, to forgive you and seek to understand the deeper reasons behind your actions—even when they hurt me the most. I’ve been willing to wait, to let you grow and change like you wanted, before trying to pin you down in a relationship. I’ve tried to design a relationship we could be in that wouldn’t have the same limitations and expectations and things you hated about all your other relationships. I’ve been willing to put what I want aside, so that you can get what you need, and so that I can at least have a little piece of what I want while I wait. 

But now the plot has changed. Now you are telling me that my option is to stay behind and be demoted to a Facebook-friend level of familiarity and communication, or to spend every day of my life in the near future wondering when you are going to suddenly say, “So I met this girl last month and we started hooking up and I don’t think you and I should see each other anymore.” I can choose to break my own heart for sure, right now, or I can choose to have, at least in relation to you, the independent will of a literal object, because all I can do is wait around for you to remember I exist, want to play with me, and decide I’m not too much effort to bother finding. 

Even if you didn’t intend it, you are giving me an ultimatum. Choose my personal hell, or give up more of my dignity, more of my will, more of my humanity. How can you blame me for wanting to opt out of such a decision, for wanting an endless sleep instead? It’s not the right answer, but is it really so hard to see how I got to that answer at all? 

You are never going to love me. You don’t even think I’m worth trying to love. What would be so bad about trying? What would be so bad about giving me a chance? Am I really so truly in the way of the things you want? Am I too demanding, to want just bits and pieces of what you’ve freely given to others, others who knew fewer of your faults than I do and didn’t love you in spite of them the way I have? 

But I know the answers to those questions. I’ve had someone love me when I didn’t love them. There is no argument in the world that will change your heart.

I want to rouse you, to stir you to action, make you realize you do care and that the only reason you won’t love me is because you won’t let yourself, because you loving me means letting me love you, and you can’t let me love the real you. You don’t believe that’s possible, for someone to see all your faults and not leave. That’s why you leave everyone first, why you push them away however you can, cheating being the most effective at pushing people away quickly without you having to actually say anything. Without you having to admit to yourself that you push people away on purpose. I want to scream and argue and smack my fists into your chest and do everything else people do in the movies when they argue to show that they care, and then maybe you would see sense, or at least be too tired to push me away anymore. 

Please do that. Please be too tired to push me away. Let me win, because one of us has to. In my version, we both take home the prize. In your version, one of us goes down ... and I’m scared I’d never get up. 

[strngrmdst-a]

PART 5: RELATIONSHIPS W/ OTHERS

In general, how do they treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does their treatment of them change depending on how well they know them, and if so, how?

Rich’s default is friendly, impersonal politeness. The better he gets to know someone- or, more importantly, the better someone gets to know him- the more his real pessimistic, grumpy, slightly paranoid, slightly-spiteful, and slightly melodramatic traits come out (he likes to pretend he’s not dramatic, but come on). Rich doesn’t like himself that much and thinks other people won’t like him either (which, somewhat deserved, considering the shitty stuff he’s ordered people to do), so he keeps people at a distance out of pragmatism and fear. Not for nothing, but he’s also a pretty empathetic guy and a good actor. He’s gotten good at adjusting the approaches he uses for certain people to get what he wants, or make himself seem harmless.

Who is the most important person in their life, and why?

Jim, without a doubt. Healthy or not, stupid or not, dangerous or not, Rich has decided to dedicate his life to his brother. Growing up, Jim did a lot of stuff to keep them safe- granted, a lot of it was manipulating Rich into getting into trouble for him. But it still kept them safe. And when Jim reconnected with him, it was at Rich’s absolute lowest, most desperate point. He brought Rich out of it- and, yes, it was still really just to manipulate him, in a lot of ways, but, whatever. 

Who is the person they respect the most, and why?

No one? Rich respects his brother (and siblings) the way siblings respect each other, but that’s more love and a willingness to (mostly) follow directions. But Rich also thinks his brother is a fool, in a lot of ways. Mycroft Holmes, maybe? In Rich’s main!verse he kinda hates him, but the man sure is persistent and trying his best and often succeeds in at least partially ruining their plans.

Who are their friends? Do they have a best friend? Describe these people.

There are some people in the writing world Rich keeps in touch with. They’re nice people and they get along great and have loads in common, but Rich uses them to keep himself grounded outside his life of crime. They don’t really know much about him. 

Do they have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person.

Nope. 

Have they ever been in love? If so, describe what happened.

Rich has been in love! He’s also had many smaller crushes (for a man who claims to be so anti-relationship he sure is the worst). He had a crush on the classmate he lost his virginity to, when he was in university, and later had a crush on her roommate (neither worked out). He was in love with the professor he’d been having an affair with, though that obviously ended sorta badly when Rich ghosted him. He had a crush on one of the men in the gang he was pushed into, because Rich was desperate and lonely and he was nice (they slept together a few times, too). Rich’s had brief crushes on one or two connections in Jim’s Network. 

Rich also has feelings that would probably be a crush but are more likely to be described as ‘begrudging respect’ for people like Mycroft Holmes. 

What do they look for in a potential lover?

Rich is some shade of asexual, so he’s only felt sexual attraction to a specific person maybe once or twice in his life, and it wasn’t until he was already in a relationship with that person. He will and has had sex with people without feeling sexually attracted to them for a handful of different reasons, but it kinda puts a damper on the connotations of ‘lover’ and how he chooses partners.

On top of that, Rich’s sorta-paranoia and general pessimism makes catching feelings complicated, too. He doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship because he’s worried of letting someone too close and being tricked by them- and he’s even more worried about there eventually being a time where he has to choose between that person or persons and Jim. Not that he’d tell his brother/family this. The self-doubt gets projected onto potential friends and romantic partners, though.

All that being said: Rich considers himself pan-romantic, so gender identity and/or expression doesn’t really come into play. He likes people that are more aggressive than him, he likes people who are clever and driven, and he likes people who are passionate- be it in their work or hobbies or whatever. 

How close are they to your family?

Rich is very close to his brother (and any au!siblings) in that he loves him and is absolutely loyal (for now) to him. 

Have they started their own family? If so, describe them. If not, do they want to? Why or why not?

Rich super doesn’t want to start his own family. He’s afraid of becoming close enough with another person to start one, but also he’s worried about living a life where his family has a target on them. Also, he doesn’t think he’d be a very good dad.

Who would they turn to if they were in desperate need of help?

Assuming it’s not something he can solve himself, and his brother isn’t around to ask, at the height of desperation Rich would go to Mycroft Holmes. 

Do they trust anyone to protect them? Who, and why?

Rich trusts the people they hire to do their jobs. He trusts his brother to not just throw him away at any given time.

If they died or went missing, who would miss them?

Rich hopes that his family would, and maybe his one or two fans. But- to be frank- Rich is kind of a paranoid man and he doesn’t have a lot of faith in people (or self-confidence). He kinda expects to just disappear one day. 

Who is the person they despise the most, and why?

main!verse/magic!verse: no one, really. 

post-fall!verse: sherlock holmes. absolutely sherlock holmes. to a degree, jim.

Do they tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?

It depends who the person is and what they’re arguing about. Overall, Rich tries to avoid conflict in a ‘picks his battles’ kind of way more than a ‘doormat’ kind of way. No one’s ever going to catch him in a vine, yelling at a service person or stranger at the grocery shop, at least. He’s less likely to hold his tongue around Jim, though he’s not stupid enough to actually fight him. 

Do they tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?

Nope. 

Do they like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?

Rich is pretty introverted, so he avoids crowds and big events when he can. Unless he’s on a job, or wants to distract himself from something else. Crowds can be fun, but they can also get claustrophobic, and it’s more difficult to watch out for danger, etc.

Do they care what others think of them?

Not really. As long as a job gets done and gets done well, he doesn’t really care what others think of him. Considering he spends a lot of his time going between being alone and putting on some kind of act, people’s impressions of him tend to vary anyway.