#would of answered this when u sent this but NOOOO we were too busy going autistic over my beasein playlist huh

[cherrybombrs]

im your biggest fan

You Want To Kiss Me?

[amazingphilza]

snapchat :: c!tommy x reader

fluff / angst , platonic , gender neutral ! first request whoop whoop :D [check pinned for more info on requests]

synopsis: ‘what’s so bad about adding every person on snapchat?’ tommy thought. unknowingly, with all the other people he begins talking to during exile, one ends up being you; tubbo’s younger sibling. that is until you both visit tommy in logstedshire.

cw: i purposely misspell a few words for the texting part, i hope it’s still readable for y’all! and i haven’t actually used snapchat in years so let’s pretend i know what i’m doing :)

tommy smiled at his brand new phone

first thing he does? install snapchat and reddit

if he couldn’t talk to his best friends face to face anymore, at least he had people online to talk to, right?

tommy hoped from all his possessions dream would destroy, he could at least keep a phone

without much thought, tommy opened snapchat and began adding every account and messaging them the same obnoxious message

BE MY FRIEND . MESSAGE BACK NOW.

most people chose ignore tommy, not having a clue why he was messaging them

but as for you, when you had the notification that someone added you on snapchat and started aggressively messaging you, it made you curious

you read their user

“wife haver”?? huh???

instead of immediately blocking the person, you replied back

what?

not even less than a second later you get a reply back

OH MY GOD FINALLY SOMEONE

IM DYING

without context, you were more than confused

genuinely dying is very alarming but you shouldn’t text a random stranger your last words

huh?

THE GREEN BASTARD TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME

YOURE ALL I HAVE LEFT

plwase helo

Help

where did tou go

Ohm hgod

hHello?

NOOOO NOT YOU TOO

PLEASR

you laughed at the person’s desperation and ignored the messages

if the stranger wasn’t going introduce themselves, you wouldn’t either

however, after a while you realized you had over 100 snapchat notifications within an hour of trying to ignore the person

however it was just jumbled up words and useless spam, nothing important

as if the stranger would said anything important to your concern anyway

do you ever shut up??

fuck you

a normal person wouldve taken offense by these messages but you found them quite amusing

it wasn’t like you had anything else better to do

and this acceptance was the start of your odd friendship with the stranger

you were still on edge because you had no idea who they were and their intentions but the anonymity was mutual nonetheless

if the desperate spamming “wife haver” isn’t going to formally tell you who they actually were, you weren’t going to risk exposing yourself first

but in the past few weeks, you and the person had normal conversations apart from the first day they messaged you

well as normal as you could’ve expected from someone named “wife haver”

they were the first to send an actual snap as well

that was when you found out the “wife haver” was an obnoxious boy that looked around your age, maybe a slightly older

he had sent you a photo of him holding a thumbs up and trying to smile when he was clearly upset

just got all my stuff exploded again, feeling good

you noticed his messy blonde hair and tattered clothes

what the hell happened to this guy?

part of you was confused, and the other was concerned

u good bro??

well

i don’t have anymore tools and materials if that’s anything

so no

this is shit

lmao it was probably deserved

FUCK YOU!!!!!

im kidding that’s sad

but like do u actually need stuff?

you contemplated sending your next message and thought of the consequences

but in the end, you were probably better off than him so if he did try to do something suspicious, you could easily just leave with your trident or defend yourself

i can bring some things over if you’d like

please oh my god it’s so boring here

where the hell do you even live???

it finally hit that you would be visiting this mysterious person

you never really had much to do during the day and he had nothing against your enchanted netherite armor when compared to his worn-out clothes

you were surprised that he was quick to be comfortable with you visiting him so continued to message the boy

if you live nearby i can just stop over and bring some spare diamond tools and armor if you’d like or smth

DIAMOND !,?’/:@!?:/-',(

ya sure lol

WTF

GOOD SHIT LAD! THANKS

WHEN DO U WANT TO VISIT???

his shock and excitement made you smile

maybe this wasn’t a bad idea

before replying, you quickly ran to your storage room you gather your spare items

instead of normally texting, you decided to take a picture of all the enchanted tools and armor and send back a snap

i’m down for tomorrow, turn on your snapmaps so i can come by ;D

he quickly replied back with handfuls of ‘holy shits’ and ‘YEAHS’

you couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear which caught the attention of your older brother who had just walked in to get blocks from the wall of chests

“ew why are you smiling at your phone like that?”

“oh shut up, tubbo”

“it’s weird”

you roll your eyes at him in a playful matter

“whatever! i’m gonna be out tomorrow to visit a friend, okay?”

“you have friends? wow, sounds like a first”

“you’re such a dick!!” you yell at him whilst trying to hold in your laughter

“oh yeah? go on, tell me about this friend of yours then. meeting strangers online, hm?”

“if you’re so concerned, you can come with if you’re not busy with whatever a president does. i promise they’re not some weirdo like you”

tubbo’s tone was sarcastic but he agreed then left you to your own thoughts

you were excited for tomorrow that you were restless in your bed when nighttime had came

somehow you managed to fall asleep from tiredness in the middle of the night

soon enough it was morning

before doing anything, you checked your phone and went through all your notifications

you then checked snapchat, browsing snapmaps and realized how far you had to travel

despite the long travel, you brought yourself up from your bed and gathered all the items you were going to bring

you stuffed a full set of enchanted diamond armor, tools, and over a stack of golden carrots all in your inventory

after finishing all your preparations, you searched for your older brother

with just a loud yell of his name he appeared almost instantly

“you ready to go, tubbo?”

“yep! you know where you’re going right?”

you scoffed at the question

“of course!”

and with that, the two of you traveled on foot until you reached the ocean

you had brought 2 boats with you knowing that you couldn’t imagine being in the same boat as your brother; it would’ve ended up in endless bickering

after a while of being at sea, tubbo started to become impatient

“what the hell! how far does this person live, y/n??”

“i dunno!”

you knew the general direction you were supposed to be going to after studying your snapmaps all morning but you couldn’t check how much farther it would take to get there; there was obviously no signal in the middle of the ocean

it felt like forever before you saw land in the horizon

suddenly you regained all the energy you have lost from rowing

“there!! that place with the white tent, i can barely see it”

“finally”

with the burst of energy, you got to land in no time

the moment you got off your boat, the blonde spotted the two of you and ran in your direction

once appearing nearly feet apart, he stared at your brother who also had the shocked expression

“TOMMY?”

“TUBBO?”

your brother had more of a confused expression whilst the other boy seemed a bit mad

maybe he was always mad considering the endless conversations you had with him ranting about some ‘green bastard’

but tubbo quickly got defensive, stepping in front of you

you didn’t understand how they knew each other beforehand, but at the same time you never caught up with tubbo’s friends either

you needed answers

“what’s going on?”

“y/n! you were messaging tommy this whole time? why didn’t you tell me?”

tubbo was clearly frustrated and a feeling of guilt washed over you

it didn’t click that you never exchanged names and admitting it did not seem believable

tubbo was in complete shock, trying to process everything that was happening

“WHAT?! AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING?”

you mumbled out your words

“a few weeks, i can’t remember”

“uh, yeah sorry” tommy had confirmed your statements. “i didn’t even know you had a sibling, tubbo! i actually didn’t know their name until now as well..”

“HUH??”

“but if i knew i was messaging a tub-ling, i wouldn’t have in the first place!”

“what the fuck tommy!!!”

“no, but how do you even know each other?” you had interrupt the two

tubbo had chosen his words carefully

“we’re... friends”

tommy had seemed upset at this

“tubbo....”

“no, don’t talk to me, tommy. you were exiled for a reason. y/n? give him the stuff you wanted to him and let’s go, this was a waste of time”

you were saddened but obliged, you didn’t want to anger your brother even more

“fuck you, tubbo! can’t believe this was how you visit me for the first time, i don’t even want your pity shit”

before you could react, tubbo led you to the back of his boat

he got in the front and quickly rowed away from the land you barely stayed on, leaving your boat behind on the shores

you looked back at tommy who already had left back to his tent

the boat ride was silent and full of sorrow until you arrived back at l’manburg

once you got home you immediately opened snapchat to message tommy

hey tommy i’m really sorry about today. i had no idea,,,

you thought he would’ve ignored your message but instead replied right after

but your heart sank at reading the message

it’s fine

i think it’s best we stop talking y/n

you didn’t want to lose a friend so quickly but after all the tension from today, you didn’t know how to come back from it

so instead of arguing you agreed, even if it wasn’t honest

yeah, me too

and that was the last message you sent to tommy

even though the whole situation was confusing from the start, it didn’t mean you didn’t enjoy the random conversations you had

the bizarre encounter was unforgettable

it made you even sadder when you realized the first time you two used each other’s names through text would also be the last

a/n: ngl, i didn’t think i would finish this on a kinda angsty ending but here we are! and grrr it’s 4am and i just wanted to finish this,, let’s hope there aren’t that many grammar mistakes LMAO anyway i hope y’all enjoyed <3

[anastasiabeaverhousen87]

Drunk B!D and the tiger onesie

It was game night, but Y/N decided to take a few drinks before getting back home to game night. she knew you shouldn’t because she is a light weight but still decided to go with her friend Emma.

Y/N was doing shots with her friend Emma and started to feel the buzz from the alcohol.

A while later y/n could feel her phone vibrating in her pocket but disregarded the calls or texts and kept drinking.

At some point in the night she saw a few girls dressed up as animals and one of them wearing a tiger onesie. Her drunk ass brain thought it was the cutest thing ever, so she asked the girl wearing the tiger onesie to trade her current jumper for the onesie. The girl was as drunk as y/n was and said yes. The thing is y/n forgot to take out her phone from the pocket and the phone kept ringing.

Meanwhile at the Danvers’s apartment

Game night was about to begin and all the super friends where already eating snacks and catching up with each other.

Alex: “Where is Y/N?”-asked the red-haired woman looking at the people in the room but not spotting her baby sister.

Kara: “I don’t know, she said she was coming right after work”-said the blonde woman while stuffing her face with pot stickers.

Kara: “Lemme call her, maybe she had to stay longer or maybe she is on her way. Hold on its ringing…”-while dialing. “She is not answering”

Alex: “OK, let me try”

Lena: “she hasn’t replied to any of my texts either, I asked her about an hour ago if she needed a ride”

Nia: “Yeah, I texted her if she wanted deep fried oreos but never replied”

Alex: “What? And no one mentioned this until now!”

Kara: “Its not like it the first time she is so busy with work that she puts the phone on mute. And its not even that late. Here wait, let me call again…” – the bubbly blonde woman calls once again this time the call does connects. “Shush everyone, she answered…”

Drunk girl: “hello?!” – a voice answers but sounds odd.

Kara: “who’s this? Why do you have my sisters’ phone ?!” – frowns at no recognizing the voice at the other end of the line.

Drunk girl: “Don’t know I found It in the pocket! Who this? You spying on me? “– the voice sounding very inebriated.

Kara : “What? No; this is my sister’s phone. Short, light hair, hazel eyes...”

Drunk girl: “Ohhhh the tiger girl, okay yes, but she is not here want me to pass a message?”

Kara: “tiger girl?”- asks the very confuse blonde while Alex was looking at her like she was crazy.

Drunk girl: “yup girl said she was a tiger and needed my skin” -

Kara: “what? Honey you are not making any sense, are you drunk?

Drunk girl: “maybee ...oh hey gotta go tiger girl is about to sing. “

The drunk girl hung up the call and puts the phone back into the jumper pocket.

Kara is holding the phone looking like she just had the weirdest conversation and couldn’t figure out what just happened.

Alex: “I traced the phone she seems to be in a place near here. Looks like a karaoke bar. Let’s go. Guys sorry we need to go and pick up y/n , Let go Kara”

Lena: “I’m coming with, hold on”

The rest of the super friends wanted to go too but Alex asked them to stay, they already been drinking, and they should be back soon.

Alex, Kara and Lena left the apartment to get y/n.

 Back at the karaoke bar-

y/n and her friend Emma are dancing quite intoxicated by now and y/b is now sporting her tiger onesie and heeled boots she was wearing with the jumper.

Emma: “look y/n!!! Karaoke , let’s go!!!”

At this moment the bar door opens and Alex walks in followed by Kara and Lena. They scan the place and Lena spots y/n getting into the stage.

Lena: “There, look. Is that a tiger onesie?”

Kara: “OMG IT TOTALLY IS”- the blonde woman scrambles to get her phone out of her pocket to make sure to have evidence.

Alex: “Oh dear Good, why would she do that?”

Kara: “pleeeease let her sing, I need this. Just let her sing the song and we will take her home. But please I know you want to watch too!”- Kara says devilish.

Alex: “Fine, I kinda do”- she laughs a little.

Lena: “here let’s sit here” -pointing to a table near the stage.

y/n is dragged to the stage to sing the goonies song by Cyndi Lauper. She actually sang the song quite beautifully; she did have a very nice singing voice. But then y/n decided to do the truffle shuffle using a little wooden step, but she slipped and hit the floor hard.

Kara, Lena and Alex that were laughing and clapping at baby Danvers performance until they saw her fall hard on the floor and ran to where she was lying on her back. But they noticed she was laughing hysterically. Still Kara stopped recording and went to aid her little sister.

Alex: “Oh my god y/n don’t move, are you okay? – Alex proceed to check on her baby sister to make sure nothing was broken. When she noticed a bruise staring to form on her ankle, she touched gently.

y/n: “Ouch, don’t do that. That hurts” – the younger girl huffed and tried to get up.

Alex: “It’s just a sprain, let’s take her home”

Kara: “Come on you drunky goober, let go!” – the blonde woman picked the younger sister up. Fortunately, the bar was not really packed for being still early in the evening. And the people that were there were mostly drunk or not really paying attention to them.

Lena: “I found the girl wearing y/n clothes and I have her cellphone back and I just ordered an uber for Emma to take her home”

y/n: “ Hiiiiiii Kara, you know I love you right?” – the drunk girl gave a sloppy kiss to her sister in the cheek and hugged her while placing her head into her shoulder.

Alex: “Ok on that note, let’s go”

Y/n: “yup , lenaaaa you saw me dance. I WAS AWESOME!!!?”

Lena: “Yes I did sweet girl” - Lena and Kara chuckled.

Alex: “I can believe you got drunk, and Why are you wearing a tiger onesie?”

y/n: “b’cause I am tiger girl!. Arrrggggg”

Everyone laughs at that and proceeds to leave the bar.

Alex: “ugh let’s take her home” - but she did take several pictures of you on your tiger onesie doing stupid signal with her hands. Black mail.

Back at the apartment the youngest Danvers tried to get more alcohol but was banned by Alex. Nia and Winn were still there waiting for the girls to arrive, the rest of the friends decided to leave to let Alex take care of her drunk sister and bandage her ankle.  

Kara: “awwwn she looks so cute “- Kara gushed over her sister while she was softly snoring on her shoulder.

Lena and Alex took more photos of y/n outfit to make sure she remembers what she did the night before.

Alex stayed with her in case she got sick during the night.  In the morning y/n u woke up with a killer hang over and grunted in pain against the light coming through the window.

Y/n: “owwww everything hurts and oh God my head”

Alex: “good morning tiger girl”

Y/n” what?”

y/n looks down at herself, “what happened? “

Alex: “you decided to get drunk”.

Y/N: “Please tell me Kara didn’t see me?”

Alex: “Oh she saw you all right and she is the one with more evidence than me or Lena”

y/n: “Ughhhh noooo” …

Kara was already up and listening: “Ohhh yeeees, come on baby girl, we made pancakes. Then we can show you all the funny videos”

At the end Kara decided to post the video on YouTube and that’s how baby Danvers became a moderate famous celebrity known as “Tiger Girl”.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: Honestly, I tried to work with an idea sent by an anon but signing or song writer characters are not my thing I tried and this is the best I could come up with. Its just a silly one for kicks. Hope you like it.

[foryouthegays]

techno liveblog w timestamps lets go for ‘a new home (dream SMP)’ stream

good laugh times: 00:13:50, 00:14:55, 1:38:45, ik it doesnt look like a lot but like u should watch the stream anyway bc philzas there and his laugh is amazing and they just go so well together

times techno calls phil his friend: 00:6:00 00:37:00, 00:45:17, 0:1:09:30, 01:11:15, 01:26:35, 01:50:05, 2:35:00

FSDJKFAF;LS HE KEPT THE MUTED INTRO IN JHKADFLS (ends at 00:1:25)

i like how, when faced with Leaving Youtube, techno would choose to be an author. i want a book by techno. reblog this if u want a book by techno (with an audiobook by him as well) /hj. 00:1:33

i love how he says ehhhhhh so much lskjhdfas (abt 2 mins in) 

who the FUCK just remembers that the word fortuitous exists wtf 00:5:17

00:7:45 PHILZA TIME PHILZA TIME LETS GO

00:8:55 tommy time :/

0:14:10 rANBOO JUST WALKS IN, LOOKS AROUN ,AND LEA VE SIM CRYING 

i love how much philza laughs at technos jokes bc pretty much everything he says IS a joke he just says it in such a serious voice that p much everyone else is like,,,yeah,,,,yup,,,,and phil just knows when hes joking and his laugh is so good with technos voice. sbi? whos that? i only know philza and technoblade

00:19:30 ghostbur joins! this is my first time hearin ghostbur btw

00:19:40 haha string axe technos so bad at crafting what a fool /j

00:21:07 ghostbur: “Even I remember how to make a fishing rod!” ghostbur u just MURDERED technoblade oh my god im gonna scream hgjdfksla i love ghostbur so much

00:23:55: GHOSTBUR NO!! DON’T DIE YOU’LL BECOME A DOUBLE GHOST!!!! -technoblade 2020

00:24:55 technoblade neva lies -guys he almost did the technoblade neva dies ahh!!!!!

i havent heard anyone talk about this but techno has a dedicated roleplay voice. like listen to him talk to tommy at 00:25:08. his voice gets more even, he uses names a lot more often (seriously, listen to his theseus speech. he says tommy so often, its incredible.), and his voice gets,,,,deeper? not deeper but smoother, in a way, and he repeats what he says for emphasis instead of humor. and his voice is louder, and he seems more assertive. 

00:27:30 philza: where we goin, by the way? techno: to our- to my new home. 

techno cmon let phil live w u wed get so much more content cmonn

00:28:50 the fact that he calls the manhunt theme “dream music” makes me laugh so hard. and then his version of it,,,,,m love he (also he sings it here and at  01:14:20)

00:35:10 why is ranboo so cryptic im-

why does he just casually know the word sentry wh at i hate him 00:39:45

this is the worst sentence (structurally) ive ever heard techno say im gonna cry 00:49:33 ‘im too busy thinkin of new ideas to sleep so i could actually execute them’ and tubbos *oh?* after is just hdsfgkjlka

LKSJDHFJK 00:51:49

00:54:30

techno: thats one of dreams powers, he can just stop the rain

tubbo, quietly: like jesus!

i love them sm dsfhkjla they kept going but i jus gdfhjksa jesus has op

techno @ being the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans: haha funnie!!

techno @ having fun w religious stuff: i wILL BE CANCELLED NO-

00:58:10 “hey if ur [ghostbur]  a ghost, do instant damage potions heal you now?” “...no,, they hurt me still :(” DSIULZKJHFSLKFJH 

01:04:00 his brother named the cow bob im- aww 

also he has a fanart wall again!!!

01:09:30 “phil, you’re the only friend i have left in this world.” aWWWWW HE GAVE HIM THE COMPASS 

“dont smoke, it’s a joke” -technoblade 01:14:15

ROLEPLAY SPEECH VOICE IS BACK AT 1:16:10 “they pillage my base for everything i’m worth, they use me for the revolution, but oooOOOoo i took a pickaxe with his consent? oOOOooOo i’m a thief!”

holy shit 01:17:15 “you know what, phil? for you, the world, alright? it’s fine.” oH MY GOD HHHHGHG (context, right before they were arguing bc phil took some blocks from his base and techno thought that when he said phil could take anything he meant from the chests)

the COMIDY of that villager coming in and sleeping while techno was readin donos at 01:22:05 RIGHT AFTER phil freaked out abt inturruptin his dono readin im SFDHKJLA:

techno talkin bout the winstreak and how he wont be able to live up to that sort of playin at 01:22:30ish is super important and ill transcribe it tomorrow, but if u can id highly rec watchin it. 

01:24:20 “[readin dono] what’s your favorite movie? uh, the princess bride is pretty good” techno ily that movie rocks also he said it so fast like hes ashamed of it noo

techno says no to canon ranboo son btw! 01:25:30

01:25:55 “i wasnt in that story, therefore it doesnt matter” all of technoblr be like 

01:37:49 is great lemmie transcribe

“how have you still not gotten a second monitor?? holy shit.”

“let me tell you something. and im only telling you this because i know that so many people in the chat are gonna be furious. so i recently realized- i think the second monitor can just be any ol’ monitor, right? you literally just plug it in, and its set up? well i mean you have to turn on some settings, but like, thats it, or something?”

��yeah,,,,, uh techno you fuckin destroyed my chat, by the way, oh my god, [earlier techno told his viewers to twitch prime philza] there has been like 40 primes just flying through”

“yeahhh twitch prime!!! twitch prime philza yeahh!!! so anyways the other day, i like, i looked to my left, and realized that my old monitor has been like, five feet away from where i sit and stream for the last three years?”

“oh my god...”

“so i- i literally do not have to leave my room to set up a second monitor and i havent. and i’m still usin my laptop for this stream.

“is this gonna be one of those situations where you like, you have a thing, you just refuse to do the thing?”

“listen, my desk is-

“yOU STILL HAVENT OPENED UP THE HYPIXEL PACKAGE!!!”

“AHHHH I HAVENT OPENED UP THE HYPIXEL PACKAGE! I HAVENT EVEN OPENED UP MY MCC COIN! DUDE I HAVENT EVEN OPENED UP MY ONE MILLION SUBSCRIBER PLAQUE! ITS STILL THERE RIGHT BEHIND ME! ITs sTILL IN THE BOX! i never made a video on it....”

“bruhhhhh [philza laughs] thats FREE VIEWS what are you doing??”

“ill open it at 8 mil :/.”

“you could LITERALLY make a video of you just like, throwing it off a wall, and then thumbing up, like doing a thumbs up, and then that would be it. 10 seconds. ten seconds. thumb and elbow in shot. [laughs]”

techno is such a disaster i love him

01:34:18 the way techno says “tommy, that statement has NEVER been true” i dont like sayin i simp for block men but GOD sometimes his voice is nicer than usual hhhgn

“man i sure wish tommyinnit was in this stream” -nobody ever (just after previous timestamp)

01:40:15 is fuckin hilarious and im actually crying oh my god techno just says things and says them well with a completely straight face how does he do it

i cannot WAIT until theres a president w the last/first name andy so we can say president andy and think abt technoblade

IM CRIASDNGUSFHD 01:44:38 PHILZA LOOK OUT LOOK OUT PHILZA  LSKJDAFJASD;LKF

i love when techno talks abt his vids. like u can tell he puts a lot of thought into the vids (esp these ones) and like at 01:47:00 he talks abt the “I DIDNT PUT DEAPTH STRIDER ON THOSE BOOTS, FUNDY!” and how its just that creepin realization that you were doomed from the start and how he made the armor, he isnt intimidated by the netherite bc he didnt enchant it all the way and only he knows that,,, and i just,,,hgg he

he reveals that hes writin the next arc at 01:48:00: “oh, speakin of arcs, chat, i’m writing the next arc. so, you know. hope nothin bad happens in two weeks, chat!” IM SO EXCITED like he clearly has his character fleshed out and is SO good at writing and retellin history im so so excited to see where he takes it AHHHH and also taht means he might stream more bc he might make his character more important (keep in mind this is the guy who wrote self insert hypixel fanfics. he has no shame in puttin himself first and i respect him so much for it) 

01:51:20 “they’re tryin to get a second customer but they’re riskin their first” is lowkey a good line

has anyone else noticed that techno says wise a lot? like at 01:55:10 he literally says “wise dragon armor” as a joke but like i think he says wise so much BECAUSE of skyblock like hjkfdsla

01:57:30 techno plea se eat 

ok 1:58:45 is hilarious and all but at the end of his ramble he says “come back, i miss you” and lowkey im crying 

techno needs to stop knowing his audience more than we know ourselves im hsfkjda 02:05:25 “the chat’s spammin ‘eat technoblade, eat!’ like they’re not gonna start, like, theyre not gonna get super sad if i ended the stream right now, like theyre not gonna all cry ‘i miss technoblade *sniffs* why- whyd he leave to eat food, why did he listen to our advice noooo’”

02:14:50 NEW VIDEO POGGGG CARL THE HORSE POGGGGGG  NOT A STREAM HIGHLIGHT POGGGGG

02:17:40 “i could start a potato farm out here to show how much ive changed” techno last time u made a potato farm u started an entire war that lasted a year that does NOT say calm and retired to me lskgdfjagsldj

02:23:00 why does techno just reference greek mythology so much. makin me scared for his arc. 

also he talks abt smp earth a lot in this stream i love it so much

i also just. love?? how much sbi respect tommy like they bully him but when talkin bout him they just have so much respect for how much work he puts into youtube and i just,,,,hgnn they r friends 

02:33:13 sbi streamer house lets go cmon

02:34:15 “i think if i streamed every day i could keep up” on one hand YE S  but on the ohter oh god techno no we have to keep up tho

hearing techno say “violence isnt the answer” is so scary  02:35:40

02:37:30 technosneeze 

hiS BROTHER SENT HIM 46 DISCORD MESSAGES SFKDJLFLKASF 2:49:25 i love his end screen so much hes just sadness,,,,retirement,,,t,echnoblade,,,the government is going to fall on its own due to lack of organization and ideals,,,,,,subscribe,,,,,sadness,,,,,also 2:50:45 is making me laugh so hard its just sad music and technos like??? whys phil in my house drinking milk????? 

overall, fantastic stream, if ya want some chill techno philza content i highly recommend. 

[cocomaxley]

Royal Flush

Since the CGW text messages were posted, there's been a lot of questions about why Queen Elizabeth won't talk to Liam. Well here's the answer…

This is the result of @speedyoperarascalparty’s idea.

Part of the CGW TRR A/U, a collaborative effort by @ao719 @speedyoperarascalparty @leelee10898 and yours truly.

Read the CGW text messages are HERE.

Anitah was in the hallway of Buckingham Palace, talking to Alicia on the phone, “Alicia, I'm telling you this statue is legit in the middle of a main hallway. And he is hung!”

Alicia giggled on the other end of the line, “I dare you to take a selfie of you holding his dick in your hand.” Anitah laughed, “No way! An alarm will probably go off if I touch it.”

“I quadruple hog triple dog double frog dare you…” Alicia smirked knowing Anitah wouldn't back down.

“Dammit! Fine! I'll text the picture in a second.” She hung up the phone and looked down both sides of the empty hallway. She walked up to the statue, taking a deep breath. She giggled as she got closer to the sculpture’s manhood. She wrapped her left hand around his member and turned her phone on selfie mode. She put her face by the stone penis and opened her mouth in an ‘o’ shape. *click*

When she removed her hand, her wedding ring got caught on a chipped piece of the stone and the penis fell off. Anitah reacted quickly and caught it in her hand, dropping her phone in the process. *click*

Rashad turned the corner and saw the Queen of Cordonia spinning in circles in a panic holding something in her hand. He heard her talking to herself, “Oh god! Oh god! What the fuck am I going to do?” He considered turning back around, knowing he would regret finding out whatever it was that she did.

“Anitah...what are you doing?”

She jumped and held her arm behind her back. “Nothing! I'm not doing anything!”

“Then why are you sweating buckets? You know what? I don't know want to know. I feel like this has international disaster written all over it.” He continued to walk down the hallway. Rashad turned around and glanced at her one last time. “Do you need help? No, you know what...nope, still don't want to know.”

Anitah let out a sigh of relief once Rashad disappeared down another hallway. She ran to the closest bathroom and locked the door with a click. She scanned the room. “Ok, Nita, think! Think!” She looked from the toilet paper to the hand towels to the trash can. Then her eyes fell on the toilet. She glanced at the stone dick in her hand and then at the toilet again. “If it broke off that easy, it should just flush down, right? Fuck! Please work.”

She closed her eyes as the broken penis plopped into the toilet. Anitah pushed the lever down. She watched the water swirl around the bowl and the stone flushed. “Thank the Lord!” She was about to leave when the toilet started gurgling and the water in the toilet started to rise. “NOOOO! No no no no!”

She covered her mouth to silence herself as she frantically looked for something to stop the water. It was too late. The water spilled over the top of the toilet flooding the bathroom. Anitah grabbed the plunger and thrust the rubber tool into the ceramic receptacle. The water continued to flow, her feet completely soaked. No matter the amount of force she used, the dick was completely lodged.

Giving up on plunging, she removed the lid off of the tank. She managed to get the water to stop flowing. The Queen was hot, sweaty and soaked. Knowing that it was a lost cause, she took a moment to compose herself. She walked to the bathroom door, opened it slowly and looked down the hallway. It was empty. She quickly stepped out into the hall and closed the bathroom door. Anitah sprinted towards her room. To her relief Liam wasn't back in their room yet. She quickly changed into a dry set of clothes. After she cleaned herself up, she made her way to the main part of the palace, running into Liam outside one of the meeting rooms.

He greeted her with a smile, “Hi, love. Did you have a good time today? This palace is amazing isn't it? It's so full of history and amazing artwork. Some of the statues alone are thousands of years old.”

Anitah gulped, then plastered a fake smile on her face, “Uh huh. It's beautiful. But it's no Cordonia…”

“Are you ok? You seem nervous...did you do something that you should tell me about?” Liam eyed his wife suspiciously.

“Nope! I'm good. Just excited. How much longer will you be in your meeting?”

“We should be done in a couple of hours. I just need to take a bathroom break.” He noticed her looking around, her eyes darting around nervously. “Are you sure you're alright?”

“Yep! I'm gonna do some sight seeing. I'll see you later!” She kissed his cheek. Liam shook his head, walking to the nearest bathroom. Queen Elizabeth stepped out of the conference room and noticed Anitah. The British monarch flashed her a smile “Queen Anitah, I hope you're enjoying your stay at Buckingham Palace.” Anitah smiled, “Hello, your majesty. Your home is magnificent. Thank you again for allowing us to stay here. I hope your meeting with my husband and Duke Rashad has been productive?”

“It certainly has. England and Cordonia have a long history of friendship and alliance. Speaking of your husband, where is he? I would like to continue our meeting. I don't want to be late for tea with Prince William and Duchess Kate.”

“Oh, yeah, he just went to the bathroom. He should be back shortly.” Liam came back to the conference room a short while later.

Later that evening, Queen Elizabeth was talking to a staff member. “Yes, your majesty, the statue is in fact broken. We found the, um, broken piece in the toilet closest to the conference rooms. Maintenance had to snake it because it was clogged. That's how we found out the statue was vandalized.”

The Queen of England clicked her tongue. “See to it that the statue is repaired right away. It's a historical artifact! What kind of uncivilized animal could do such a thing?” She gasped and covered her mouth, “Oh my goodness! The King of Cordonia did it!”

A few weeks later…

Liam was in his study with Rashad. “Queen Elizabeth hasn't returned any of my calls. I thought our meeting with her went well.”

“So did I. I wonder why...oh!” Rashad's eyes went wide.

“What is it, Rashad?”

“Nothing, Li. I'm sure she's just busy. I gotta get going. I'll see you tomorrow morning at the council meeting.”

Rashad left Liam's office in a hurry and sent Anitah a text...

Tag List: @annekebbphotography @carabeth @moneyfordiamonds @give-me-ernest-sinclaire @3pawandme @indiacater @ooo-barff-ooo @ownworldresident @tornbetween2loves @perfectprofessorherokid @stopforamoment @editboutique @wannabemc2 @zaffrenotes @enmchoices @lauradowning29 @lodberg @smalltalk88 @laniquelove-blog @gibbles82 @heatherfilliez @drakesensworld @nikkis1983 @sweetest-marbear @classylady1234 @daniv2278 @rainbowsinthestorm @jared2612 @liamxs-world @notoriouscs @blubutterflyy @captain-kingliamsqueen @whenyourheartskipsabeat @lynne1993 @coldcollectornight08 @be-still-my-aching-heart @kennaxval @the-soot-sprite @hopefulmoonobject @emichelle @cgd03 @kate-mckenzie @mfackenthal @crookedslimecreatorpasta @jemrmax2love @alj4890

[dragonasheswrites-blog]

The Heaven We Didn’t Choose, Chapter 8: In Which The Internet is Invoked

...And Sans nearly loses his edgelord club membership card. 

First: Chapter 1: In Which a Child Makes a Friend

Previous: Chapter 7: In Which Skeletons are Explained

Next: Chapter 9: In Which Dog Marriage Saves the Day

Click here for the story overview.

The next day went about as well as Sans expected.  He was once again woken up by the flurry of alarms reminding him of Undyne’s impending invasion of the apartment, but he made sure to have Attie up and dressed in ’training clothes’ before she arrived.

It was worth the extra effort.  Undyne had calmed considerably, having apparently slept at some point, but she kept eyeing him with a very...intense expression.  Attie demanded enough of her attention that she didn’t say anything, but he felt an overwhelming sense of foreboding.

Either Frisk had made good on her threat to talk to Undyne about Boss or Sans had messed up on his paperwork again.  Possibly both.  He was betting on the former, though, especially since Boss hadn’t come back to the apartment the previous evening.

This meant that Undyne wound up giving them a crash course in breakfast...literally.  The kitchen looked like a war zone by the time they were finished, with globs of oatmeal across the ceiling, floor, and stove top.  The oatmeal itself was full of dark brown flakes that made Attie wince every time she took a bite.  He made a mental note to look up an oatmeal-making tutorial on Youtube; there had to be a more efficient way to do this.

“No paperwork today,” Undyne said once she’d scarfed down her own portion of oatmeal.  “The queen’s doing the morning visit before she meets with the...well, with...important people.  We’re also moving her room and posting a guard outside.”

Sans blinked at her, slowly.  “...What are you talking about?”

She growled.  “Frisk.  The ambassador.  Queen Toriel is going to see her this morning to assess her status.  You,” she gestured to both of them with a strange figure eight motion, “stay here.  You can see her this afternoon if you get the all-clear, but text me first.  We’re relocating her to a more defensible room and posting a guard.  Make sure you bring your ID, ass-clown, or you’ll be locked out.”

“Don’t lock me out!”  Attie said, grabbing Undyne’s arm.  “I wanna see my mommy!”

“Oh, you can go on in just fine, punk; the guards won’t bother you.  They’re just gonna make sure no one gets to see your mommy without permission.  If a bad guy tries something funny they’ll beat ‘im up!  It’s for security, right?”

“Cool!”  The girl bounced in her seat.  “Can I be security for Mommy too?  I wanna beat up bad guys!”

“Haha!  You’ve gotta train a little harder than THAT if you wanna be in the Guard!  Ready?”

“Ready!”

“I’ll be here,” Sans said, staring intently at the last globs of oatmeal in his bowl.  “You guys have fun.”

Being lifted by his skull was a new and special kind of painful, he discovered.  Also, Undyne’s grin was even more terrifying close up.

“You’re not getting out of training THAT easy, nerd!  A little exercise never hurt anyone!”

Attie made a mad dash for the living room, screaming about training and friendship and how wonderful everything in her little life was.

The next hour and a half could only be described as torture.  Sans didn’t know a whole lot about humans and fish-monsters (or whatever Undyne was), but he was very certain that skeletons were not designed to bend in some of the ways she was trying to make him bend.  He could feel the strain on his joints; he was sure he was going to dislocate something.  It didn’t help that the stretches were interspersed with periods of intense movement, pushing his still-sore bones well past their limit.  He hoped Boss never found out about this; the big guy had enough punishment ideas to last him a lifetime.

He collapsed onto the couch when Undyne finally stopped.

“That was a GREAT warm-up,” she said.  “Now for the REAL training!”

Sans debated crawling under the couch.  There wasn’t a lot of space under there; his skull and ribcage would be a problem...

She laughed at him.  “I’m just kidding, NERD!  Don’t you know how to take a joke?  Hey, hey Attie, look at this loser!  He can’t even do a little exercise!”

“Mr. Sans isn’t a loser,” Attie solemnly reminded her.  “He’s a asshole.”

“You BET he is!  Anyways, make sure he doesn’t fall asleep, huh?”

“Okay!”

His phone went off.  Oh, right; he hadn’t texted Frisk all morning.  He’d get on that.  Just as soon as he could feel his arms again.

“Mr. Sans?”

His vision started going...a little fuzzy…

“-ey?  Hey?  Can you hear me?”

Sans looked up at Undyne.  She was looking a little worried or angry, one of the two.  He wasn’t sure why; he hadn’t actually passed out, had he?  “‘Mfine,” he mumbled into the couch cushion.

“Yeah, no, punk.  Attie, go grab me the bottle of green juice in your fridge and a cup.  Sans, talk to me.”

“‘M fine."

She huffed.  “You’re an idiot.  No, listen to me: you’re an idiot.  Anyone knows to speak up when they’re being pushed too far.  Except you, I guess.  Do you know what’s happening?  Your magic levels are so low you’re losing HP.  Slowly, but still.  You’re literally killing yourself.”

“Thought a little exercise never hurt anyone.”

“Yeah, a little exercise.  We didn’t even do much, really.  Heck, Attie’s had more exercise over the past few days than we normally do in a week, and she’s just fine.  You?  You collapsed under your own lack of magic.  We’re not even practicing magic, beyond whatever’s holding you together and making you move!  You’d have to do...well, pretty much no exercise at all on a regular basis AND be super low on magic to get to this point.”

“Sounds ‘bout right.”

“And that’s why you’re an idiot.  Oh - thanks, Attie.”  She took the bottle of juice, poured some into the cup, and pushed it towards Sans.

He managed to get himself upright and tipped... most of the juice into his mouth.  It tasted like something that was brewed in a froggit’s armpit, but he did feel better after.  “...What is that stuff?”

“Magic-infused sports drink.  Good for the body AND the SOUL!  The Royal Scientist came out with it a few years back.  You never heard of it?”

“It’s disgusting.”

“I’ve seen what you leave behind at your sentry post; you have no right to criticize anyone else’s eating or drinking habits.”

Fair enough.

“Also, next time we do this, frickin’ tell me when you’re about to collapse, would ya?”

“Gee, didn’t know you cared.”  Also: next time??

“Oh, I don’t.  Someone needs to watch this little punk, though, and she seems kinda fond of you.  Stars know why.”  She ruffled Attie’s hair.

The kid grinned widely.  “It’s ‘cause he feeds me hot dogs and lets me do fun science and lets me color and takes me to see my mommy.  And he didn’t let Mommy die and he helped me beat Mr. Papyrus and stuff.”

Sans eyed her.  “...Right.”

“I told Undie all about the fight with Mr. Papyrus!  I have her phone number in my phone and I was texting her last night when I was supposed to be sleeping.”

“‘M I gonna have to take your phone away at bedtime?”

“Noooo!”  She flopped over onto the couch next to him dramatically.

Undyne laughed.  “Well, since you’re not about to dust, I’ll be off.  Drink another glass of that stuff, asshole.  Attie, make sure he does.”

“Okay!”

“And Vice Captain Papyrus will be back sometime this evening.  If he scares you at all, even just a little bit, you tell this worthless lump here to get you out and you text me.  Okay?”

“Okay!”

“Oh, and a word of advice, Sans?”

He raised his head a fraction.

“Walk around a little.  You’ll be even worse off if you don’t.”

The very atmosphere seemed to deflate when Undyne left.  Sans felt like melting into the couch cushions and just...not moving until Boss came back and kicked his lazy butt into gear.

“Come ooooon!”  Attie whined, grabbing the back of his jacket and trying to drag him off the couch.  She was succeeding.  “Undie said you have to keep moving!  If she says so then we have to do it!”

“Noooo.”  Sans dug his claws into the couch, trying to anchor himself without leaving obvious rips that Boss would scream at him for.

His phone went off again.

He reluctantly disentangled himself from the kid enough to sit up (though she wound up clinging to his back) and pulled it out.

Frisky Dreamer 9:22 AM Sans, I’m waiting for a check-in.

Frisky Dreamer 9:42 AM I’m calling Undyne if I don’t hear from you in five minutes.

You 9:44 AM Undie just left We were doing morning torture

Frisky Dreamer 9:44 AM Explain.  Now.

You 9:46 AM U know the stretching and the posing and the running in place that kindve thing The usual stuff undie likes

Frisky Dreamer 9:46 AM Training?

You 9:47 AM Yeah that

Frisky Dreamer 9:47 AM Don’t call Captain Undyne’s training ‘torture,’ or I’ll tell her you called her “Undie.”

You 9:48 AM U got it

“Oooh, ask her if we can come see her this afternoon!”  Attie said, leaning over his shoulder.

You 9:49 AM Kid wants to know when we can come see you this afternoon If ur up for it

Attie dragged him off the couch when no answer came immediately.  He reluctantly shuffled his tired bones around the living room a few times, but gave up when his phone remained silent.  “Uh, you’d better change your clothes, kid.  Maybe your mom’ll text us back later.  She’s probably busy, remember?”

“Oh, yeah!  Granny Ree’s visiting her this morning, right?”

“Right.  So let’s see if we can find something your mom’ll approve of, okay?”

“Okay!”

Attie wound up in a yellow and white striped shirt and jeans.  He mentally reviewed the fashion lessons from the morning before.  It looked...pretty good?  Jeans went with everything, right?  He couldn’t tell if the yellow was supposed to be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for Attie’s skin color (all of that had gone clear over his skull) but Frisk wouldn’t have bought her kid a shirt that looked bad on her, right?

...Hopefully?

He snapped a picture and sent it to the overbearing mother, hoping for the best.

Schoolwork went better than the day before.  Sans was still mostly lost, but a few subjects (mostly Math and Science) weren’t too different from what he’d been taught in the Underground.  At seven years old, Attie wasn’t doing anything too complicated; he was able to follow along and help out fairly well.

It reminded him of teaching Boss, really.  The sad structure that passed for a school in Snowdin had burned to the ground around the time Sans graduated (in a completely unrelated incident, not that he hadn’t been tempted), so Boss had been deprived of a few years’ formal education.  It had been challenging to get an excitable babybones to sit still long enough to do a page of multiplication, but he’d done his best.

His best, he knew, wasn’t great.  It was probably the reason Boss turned out the way he had.

Attie, at least, was used to the routine.  She knew to check her list of schoolwork (Undyne had left it on the counter this time, and had removed the one she’d pinned up with the knife) and found her assignments based on the numbers associated with each subject.  It boggled Sans’s mind.  Teaching kids at home was, apparently, something humans had simplified greatly.  There was a whole system of what to do each day and everything.  It made remembering to text Frisk a little easier, too; he just shot off a text as they finished each subject.  Attie did the same, happy for an excuse to use her new phone.

Lunch was hot dogs, again.  Attie, predictably, demanded that Sans eat his all in one bite.  He initially refused, but...well, the thing she did with her eyes was growing on him.  He caved and swallowed his hot dog whole.

He didn’t sit still long enough for Attie to take a picture of him doing it.  She did her best, but it wasn’t quite enough.

Ding!

Frisky Dreamer 12:58 PM Sans, what exactly are you teaching my daughter?

You 12:59 PM Nothing were just having lunch

Frisky Dreamer 12:59 PM So bragging to a young girl about how you can swallow weiners is normal for you?

Sans squinted at his phone, trying to make sense of the message.  He knew ‘weiner’ was another word for ‘hot dog,’ but...he felt there was something he was missing.

You 1:00 PM Kinda i mean i run a ‘dog stand Dont really talk to the customers but sometimes onell wonder y a skeleton needs food Where r u going with this?

Frisky Dreamer 1:02 PM I can’t decide if you’re naive, stupid, or far more creepy than I ever gave you credit for.  Where is Attie now?

He looked around.  The kid was at the table doing more Grammar.  He snapped a picture.  

You 1:04 PM *1 picture message sent

Frisky Dreamer 1:05 PM Okay.

You 1:06 PM Kiddo what the hell is going on

Frisky Dreamer 1:07 PM You can’t do that anymore.  And stars, keep Attie from talking about your ‘hot dog trick.’

You 1:08 PM Uh y

Frisky Dreamer 1:09 PM BECAUSE I WON’T HAVE YOU INVOLVING MY DAUGHTER IN YOUR DIRTY PRANKS!!

Yep, he was definitely missing something.

You 1:10 PM U high again?  I have no idea what ur talking about

Frisky Dreamer 1:10 PM Stupid it is, then.  Look it up. NOT around Attie.

Sans double-checked that Attie was studying and not peeking over his shoulder, then opened the web browser on his phone.  He typed in ‘eat a weiner.’

Oh.  OH.

...Humans were disgusting.

You 1:12 PM So uh what the hell U humans r crazy Like what even Y would u do that with ur mouths With all ur gross fluids Thats unsanitary Like wow

Frisky Dreamer 1:15 PM That’s about the reaction I was expecting.  So NO MORE, OKAY?

You 1:15 PM I may never eat a hot dog again What the hell Y didnt anyone say anything Like do people think im some kind of weirdo for working at a dog stand Like theyre just in the store with other food Is that normall Is tht what huans do

Frisky Dreamer 1:17 PM Oh, you sweet, innocent child. You have no idea.

You 1:17 PM Y do humans destroy everything good This is a travesty against Science Like y

Frisky Dreamer 1:19 PM Sans, calm down.

You 1:19 PM O ok Uh So No more dogs for the kid

Frisky Dreamer 1:20 PM They are just normal food.  Deal with it however you want. It’s just that said food happens to vaguely resemble part of the human anatomy that a little girl DOES NOT need to know or think about. Just watch your words, okay?

You 1:23 PM O so im off the hook

Frisky Dreamer 1:23 PM Not hardly.

“Mr. Sans?”

Sans quickly pocketed his phone and looked over at Attie, holding her Grammar workbook to her chest.  “What’s up, kid?”

“Are you okay?”

“Uh...fine?  Why do you ask?”

“You’ve been texting for a long time now.  And you look kinda sick.”

“Heh, yeah?”  He gripped his phone, wishing he had some of that...what did humans call it?  The stuff that makes you forget stuff?  Brain bleach?  “Your mom was just telling me that ‘dogs aren’t good for ya.  So I guess that’s out.  For now, at least.”

“Awwwww.”

“Yeah, me too, kid.”  He was never going to live this down, he realized.  

“Say, uh, you done with your school?”

“I’m done with Grammar.  It was easy today.”

“Yeah, uh, great.  What’s next?”

Sans fought for focus the rest of the afternoon.  It wasn’t so much that humans apparently had some weird kinky ideas about what to do with their gross squishy body parts and fluids (though that was part of it); it was the fact that he’d lived on the surface for seven years and had never come across such an idea.  Did humans think it was weird that a monster had a hot dog stand?  Why had no one said anything to him?

Oh, right.  He was a rude, violent asshole who hated people.

That...probably explained a lot.

Still.

“Can you help me with art today?”  Attie asked.

“Uh, I’m not really an artsy guy, kid.”

“It’s okay.  Everyone can do art.  Making art is a way of showing other people how you see the world; that’s what Mommy says.”

“That sounds…” kinda whimpy, actually, “...cool?”

“Yep!  And today I’m feeling spikey!”

“Wait, what?”

“Do you have toothpicks and glue, Mr. Sans?”

As it happened, Sans found an unopened jumbo box of toothpicks in the back of a drawer.  Attie found glue...somewhere.  He wasn’t sure he wanted to know where.  “What now?”

“Now, we build stuff!  Here, can you hold this?”

Over the next hour or so, Attie glued toothpicks (and half of Sans’s fingers) into a spiked wooden death trap.  It was actually a little impressive.  The design was basic - a pit trap with spikes in the bottom - but the pit cover had working hinges that allowed it to drop open in the middle...once he disentangled himself from it.  They’d found a pair of old bottle caps, and gluing one on each side of the pit cover gave the two halves enough of a counter-weight to reset themselves each time.  She found a bag of grapes in the fridge and amused herself with rolling them over the top of the pit and watching them fall to their squishy deaths on the toothpicks below.

There wasn’t enough force to actually impale the grapes properly, but it was the thought that counted.  For a seven-year-old, she was well on her way towards carrying on the proud monster tradition of death traps.  Not for the first time, Sans wondered if he should be worried.

Then the kiddo surprised him.  She’d been rolling grapes onto the death trap, watching the cover open and close, and out of the blue she asked why it worked the way it did.  Sans hadn’t expected that, not from a kid her age, but gave her an overview of the physics.  She was trying to understand, he knew, but her eyes glazed over halfway through his explanation.

“...Well, that’s enough for today.  We’d better head out if you wanna go see your mom.”

“Okay!  Can I bring my deadly death trap of grape death?”

“I...think that’d be a bad idea.  You don’t wanna scare the humans, do ya?”

“Yep!  I wanna scare ALL the humans!  Well, except for the people at the Embassy.  They’re nice.”

“Oookay.  You don’t think the doctors are nice?”

“Nnnope!  They give you shots and take your temper’ture and do things that make your soul feel funny.  They try to bribe you with stickers but Mommy said that she got candy as a kid and that’s way better than stickers.”

“Eh, fair enough.  Put your shoes and jacket on and we’ll go terrorize some doctors.  Uh...without your death trap.”

“Aawww!  Why?”

“Think of it as...a challenge?”

Attie whooped a wild war cry and charged off to find her outerwear.  She really was like a little Boss in some ways.

He was sure he was forgetting something.  What had Undyne said?

Oh.  Right.

You 4:42 PM Hey undyne im gonna take the kid to see her mom

Capn Undie 4:44 PM HANG ON ASSHOLE

There was a long pause, and Sans took the time to retrieve his ID from where he’d left it in the pocket of his other pants.  He hated disturbing the sanctity of his laundry pile but showing up without identification to one of Undyne’s checkpoints was always unpleasant.

His phone gave a loud ping.

Capn Undie 4:53 PM You’re cleared with security.  Room 249, down the hall and around the corner from the old room.  BRING YOUR ID and we’ll have no problems, got it??

You 4:56 PM Got it

Capn Undie 4:59 PM And don’t even THINK about causing trouble or I’ll have you KICKED OUT.  You can sit outside while Attie does whatever she does visiting her mom.  I’m sure there’s a kiddie chair we can grab for you.

Sans narrowed his eye sockets.  “Hey, Attie?  You ready to go yet?”

“Not yet!”  Attie appeared with her shoes on, holding her jacket.  “My laces were being doo-doo-butts,” she said conversationally.

“...Right.  Okay.  Hey, why don’t you grab that death trap after all?  And some grapes; we can show yer mom how it works.”

“Physics!”  Attie screamed as she stumbled off to find her creation.

Sans grinned.

[peachiejihoonie]

Who do you ship your mutuals with and why?

woow, i’m very surprised to see this sitting in my inbox hmmmmmMMmmm

not proofread btw

well lets start with the best of the best

@parkjmini

i honestly want to say someone else besides jimin, but jimin LOL but thats the boring answer

from wanna one i really really really think daniel and her could become something. like forreal. they’re both really sweet and precious and daniel would treat her right !!!!!! can see them going to disney themed proms, and he’s driving her around, hands on thighs, the usual. she’s one of those people who are like nooooo but really she means yeees and daniel would oh so slyly use his knowledge of this habit of her’s against him

she starts like pulling her skirt down when he’s reaching up her thighs and he’s just grinning as his eyes are still directed on the road

“babe don’t be so shyy” his voice would sound so gentle but she knows better as she rolls her eyes

@seungkwanslowqualityenglish

my precious mother omg she only deserves the best honestly i truly truly ship her with jisung not cause he’s her bias or anything i swear. see there’s no strike through so i’m being honest !!!!!! seriously, there both very caring, knowing and considerate. like one day jisung would be having a really bad day and he thinks he’s good at hiding his feelings but he’s really not and she see through him like a crystal ball

“jisung babe, you okay??” she would ask, hand on his back that’s facing her

“yes i’m fine, nothing happened okay nothing i’m! fine!” he would force out a slight giggle

“do you want me to make you that tea you really like” she would sigh, only slightly smiling

“yes please..” he’d mumble and turn to her shoulders and slightly weep into her

such a loving couple omg

@heochannies

is the so so so nice !! but she’s so edgy ????!!?!?! ya’ll should ask her for a pic like her make up is one fleek like jeffery star is shaking

i personally ship her with baekho, like i feel they have such a very chill and calm relationship. like she would come home to see him after a tiring day he’s there with some tea and nice warm hug. he would kiss her temples and lightly greet her with a “welcome home baby girl.”

i see a lot of comfortable silences, independence but still a lot of lovin and understandin

@simplicitwannaone

lau bby hello hi she’s so kind omg i’ve never felt so welcomed?? like she would always always find a way to greet you even if you came into the group chat like hours ago. a1 one cute honestly lol. she’s on the quiet side but definitely has a cra side omg

with that said, donhyun is her man. very sugary relationship. like, think flowers blooming and sun shining. like the world is healthy just be them being together. i imagine them going on park dates, hands linked and swing

“you’re so cute” he would smile and squish her cheeks

and she’d be a blushing mess but still have growing smile spreading across her face in minutes omg i’m not crying you are

@imagineproduce101

the one and only omg. she’s so so sweet omg i meet her twice (don’t be too jealous ;-))  i like to think that her and seungwoo would be v cute ?? like she’s really down to earth, kind and goes out of her way just for inclusion and its just! so! beautiful! and he’s really goofy and funny and she’s a little silly meme bean so yes much balance.

like they’re just sitting out on a grassy field just talking and chillin and seungwoo is talking about how is day and rambling and she’s picking at the grass.

“babe are you even listening??” he asked, slightly offended.

“yes i was, you were talking about how you definitely did not deserve the b in your chem class” she would say calmly, eyes still at the grass.

and after a small pause, they meet eyes, her’s slightly mischievous and his amused.

@wannaoone

rach rach rach!! she’s so cute omg. she’s kinda like the small whisper of the chat, always there but v soft spoken. she’s really cute omg she sends me the cutest things on snapchat.

really random person but i really see her and jihoon, like woozi jihoon LOL. like he’s busy all the time and he just needs someone paitent and ready to love him whenever and there! she! is! like she’d send him really loving messages but just enough to jihoon’s appreciation. like the problem jihoon encounters often is when a s/o is either way too clingy or way too distant and rach is the perfect moderate level

like a common exchange would be something like

“jihoonie, miss you, go home soon, you’ve been in the studio all day, take care of yourself

and after she sends that text, she ends up getting a call

“please open the door, i’m here for some snuggles” and outside is her sweet bf, in his glory and softness.

@ukulelewrites

ahh long awaited natty, so active and so talkative like omg it’s so great. v innocent. she never ever makes u feel lonely omg it’s really nice. she’s more like someone who loves from a distant so i liked to say that she’d be really cute with jinyoung  

i know what a weird pairing. bUT I SEE IT OKAY. like he;s really caring adn genuine and know how he’s really shy??? i feel like natty would really get him out of his shell and they end up like each other

“omg it’s about time i thought you were gonna be lonely forever jinyoung, who is the lucky gal???” her oblivious ass would ask him, being all friendly and nudging him.

“actually,” he’d pause and let out an airy chuckle, eyes glued to the ground and very very nervous smile on his face. “i like you”

@kakaotaeks

i miss you elena :-(( but she’s a wild one omg, is probably missing my savage words at her. smhhhh she needs to come back soon lol. since we’ve been lacking some interaction i’m going to keep this one short and sweet.

but i ship her with hyungseob cause they’d be hecka cute. i see them being the it couple at school. he walks her to class, holds her hand omg it v cute and all everyone is envious.

@dae-vil

saraaaaaaaa !!! the cutest human bean in the world omg. i will admit, sometimes she’s just in her own world and is like “huh???” always pops into your life randomly but its a good random omg like a “i needed that thank u sara wow”

i see her with shihyun??? like very soft and quiet but they’re very cute together. shihyun would always bring her back to earth and they giggle over nothin all the time lol

omg they’re gonna have this thing where shihyun has to cancel their date but it becomes even better ??

“baby i’m so sorr but yongguk asked me to baby sit to-”

“can i come omg pleas eoh pl ease!!!!!”

and they end up cuddling with tobli all night, like date ??? this is the date whatchu mean????

@laji-101

KRISSSSS the wild one honestly. is so bold yet so shy?? in mis opinion i think she should just go head first for what she wants, shes a bit hesitant at times, but not always. like she’ll end up getting what she wants whether you like it or not.

i see her with bAEKHO. yup, pulling out the big guns literally lmao. i see him being v down to earth and kind and warm for her but still that dominant alpha male manly ready to fight someone typa guy, you feel??

like they would be at gym and he’s look all hot and shit finishing his mile run. after he went it would be her turn and she’d be a little shy running in front of hot ass baekho

and he somehow knows????

“babe don’t worry, you’re gonna do great, i’m cheering for you!!” he would place a hand on her upper arm, gummy smiles and everything

i’m sorry kris but u aint gonna survive, he’s sweaty hot AND cutie gummy ughghaohfgoqhp

@jihoonslattee

chiiiiii omg my actual other half (get it my names peaCHI ha whatta knee slapper) is! an! actual! teddy! bear! is so so so kind, and she never misses when you change ur profile pic and will not hesitate to tell u that u a cutie. when actually shes the cutie????????????

i really do kinda sorta see her with jihoon, not that i’m going to fight her for him lmao whaaaat like they’re both really sweet, shy but they’re very self aware ?? like they know what they’re doing to each other

her and jihoon could just be doing hw and honestly she would shamelessy just start staring at him and he’d notice and smirk

“you know, a photo would last a little longer” he’s laugh, looking up to meet her eyes.

and she’s immediately embarrassed by the overwhelming eye contact but he just laughs and takes her hand omg goals.

@princess-megz

my little mui mui omg. my actual sister yall don’t question us on this. she’s s O cUt e????? like hOW??? and he’s precious and innocent. she’s talkative and really really kind. we sent each other some cute ass streaks honestly i think she likes my dog more than she likes me smhhh

i see her with yongguk. like they’d both weird quiet you feel me ??? like they’re some people in this world who are loud and wild, but they’re quiet wild you feel????

i see them playing with tobli together and they would make stories about his past.

“you know, i bet tobli used to under the wong dynasty and was the emperor wrote the law that everyone needed to change their last names to wong” yongguk would suddenly say in the midst of their silent play time with tobli

“noooo, tobli was a dragon, we went over this” she would roll her eyes and his eyes would brightened as more ideas would run through his head.

@ladynightmareii​

snazzy!!! the actual fetus 1! 1! !!!!1! she’s so crazy honestly LOL, has way too many memes tbh with her i feel like, she would be really compatible with daehwi??

like honestly, they’re both pretty wild. like i feel like one would say to other “what are you doing om G i cAn noT b E sE eN wiTH yOU” but would continue to do whatever they were doing together????

they would go on really cute dates together if their parents even let them LOL like ice cream dates or just quick stuff after school. lw bickers and daehwi is like “i didn’t even do anything !!!!” is super dramatic too. like imagine them going out to get something to eat

“i want the strawberry banana smoothie” daehwi would cutely say and she would look so offended

“how dare you, i want that one”

“stop copying me!!!!!”

omg this ended up taking up so much time/is so long LOL i hope you bbys liked this  💖 💖 💖 💖 💖

and dw precious followers i’m getting to my writings :-))) thanks 4 being patient with me lol

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “Apart”

When you sent him the invitation to your wedding, you didn’t actually expect The Joker to show up. But here he is and now you have to deal with the situation; you are usually such a good actress, but…this is different. Very different.

“You came,” a smile appears on the corner of your lips as J gets out of the car and the valet takes it away, leaving your ex in front of you with a wide smirk on his face.

“Of course I came, I wouldn’t miss this now, would I?” he opens his arms and you go to give him a quick hug. “Hi, Doll,” he quickly pecks your cheek and you hold him for a few more seconds before breaking the embrace. You didn’t spoke or touch each other in about half a year.  

You take a deep breath, analyzing him and start walking up the stairs towards the mansion while you try to keep the conversation going without getting awkward:

“You still look the same J,” you state the obvious and he snickers, amused.

“I never change; you should know that by now. Would you look at this place,” he struggles to impress himself. “It’s a fortress, took me a while to find it. At least I know my girl is well taken care of, hm?”

“I’m…I’m not your girl anymore,” you whisper, brushing off the weirdness of his statement, but you know he just talks like this all the time anyway.

“Right, thanks for the reminder,” he elbows you, scoffing, and you ignore what he just said and point towards the huge property, excited:

“Let me give you a tour.”

“Where is the groom- to-be? Can’t wait to meet him; he’d better make you happy otherwise he will have to deal with me,” he keeps on yammering and you take his arm, not reacting to the last part of his tirade, guiding him through the maze of the outdoor gardens.

“He is away with business; he will be back in two days for the wedding. You’re the first guest to arrive, the rest are coming tomorrow.”

“You sure hired a lot of people for the event, Pumpkin. I can tell it’s going to be a huge wedding.”

“It will be,” you giggle, watching everybody running around, setting up flowers and the humongous tent where the gathering will happen.

“Wow, I already like it, no expense was spared,” The Joker addresses you, witnessing a few things coming together in a very nice way.

“Miss Y/N,” someone approaches, “do you want more red roses or pink ones?”

“Red,” J answers and it pleases you. “It’s her favorite color.” You also nod a yes and the guy walks away, trying to count how many more to add now. “Who else is coming?” he asks, frowning when a waiter passes you by in a hurry. “ I don’t like the way that man looked at you, want me to take care of it?”

You start laughing, caressing his shoulder.

“Noooo, lets’ not do that, it’s all good.”

It surprises you how much effort you put into trying not to look nervous, you are usually such a good actress, but…this is somewhat different.

“A lot of people will come, you know some of them,” you show him the guest list on a nearby table. “Don’t worry, you’ll seat next to me so you don’t really have to small talk with the others too much. I know you hate that.”

“I sure do,” he grins, kissing your hand and you sigh, continuing to pace alongside him in perfect silence for a few moments.

“Oh, no, it’s starting to rain,” you point out, looking at the gloomy clouds. “Thank goodness the tent is up so it won’t rain inside; they can still continue to decorate, it really needs to be finished by tomorrow night. Let’s go in the mansion, I’ll show you what we got.”

*******************

As soon as he steps in and sees the crystal chandelier he looks in your eyes, puckering his lips:

“Same one we have at the penthouse!”

“We had,” you correct him but The Joker didn’t get the fact you were referring to his statement involving the two of you. Or maybe he pretended.

“No, it’s still there, Doll. You always had good taste in decorating so I kept it.”

“That’s nice,” you avert your gaze, feeling your cheeks getting warm.

You walk him around, explaining what’s what, just like a well learned lesson.

“I’ll be damned,” he stops, stunned. “You kept it?!”

The enormous painting you two snatched from Gotham’s art museum two years ago is the centerpiece in the living room. He didn’t want to go because he couldn’t care less about stuff like that but in the end you convinced him to steal it together. You had it at the penthouse until…you left and took it with you. Now it’s here.

“You know how much I love it, Mister J,” you tease him by calling his full name, which you only did when he got in trouble. “I could never get rid of it.”

“I can understand that; I know your mind gets set on something and then you don’t let go,” he mocks, starting to walk upstairs.

*********************

“And, ummm… this is the master bedroom,” you present it, a bit uncomfortable.

“It’s so you, Y/N, I can see it everywhere. Look at the bed, reminds me of the one we have at the penthouse,” he points towards it and you fix his mistake:

“We had.”

“No, it’s still there,” he continues and you are still not sure if he really doesn’t get what you’re saying, but you don’t want to insist on the issue. No point really.

“I wonder if…You do have a mirror here too!” he sits on the bed, looking up and sure it’s there. He lies down on the pillows, gesturing you to come by him and you humor him. “Remember ours?”

You scoot over by him, smiling and grab his hand, looking up at the mirror too.

“Yes, fun times. We had our moments, right?” you have to agree, turning your head towards him.

“U-hum,” he replies, taking your fingers to his lips and kissing them, absent minded. You squirm under his touch and have to break the spell J apparently is unaware he still holds upon you.

“Why did you push me away?” you suddenly ask, squeezing his hand tighter.

“I push everybody away, it doesn’t mean that’s my intent,” he replies and for once he sounds sincere.

“Hey, wanna see my wedding dress?” you hurry and get up, heading towards the walk in closet.

“Might as well,” he lifts his shoulders up, resigned. He doesn’t really want to see it but he can’t upset you now that you are finally on speaking terms again. It takes you about 10 minutes to get ready and step outside, anxious for his reaction.

“My God, Princess, you look so beautiful,” he has to admit, jumping from the bed, coming to meet you in the middle of the room. “Turn around,” The Joker suggests and you slowly spin so he can see your gorgeous dress. “I really like the gown, it suits you.”

“Thank you,” you mumble, playing around with the delicate fabric because you feel edgy.

“My Princess always looks beautiful anyway,” he unravels his silver teeth, chuckling.

“I’m…I’m not your Princess anymore J,” you step towards him, fighting with all the feelings inside of you.

“You’ll always be my Princess,” he simply states and then rolls his eyes. “Come on, you’re gonna cry on me? You know I always talk like this,” he makes fun of you, seeing your lips quivering but has to admit something makes him uneasy.

Fuck it all, you think, deciding on the spot and go kiss him which surprises The Joker and in the same time it doesn’t.

“I’m not sure if I like diamonds anymore,” you clearly enunciate and he freezes with his hands around your waist.

This is the phrase you two decided to use when you were together as a warning for grave danger, just in case you couldn’t say anything else and you wanted the other to know something is up without getting busted.

“Well, that’s a first, Doll,” he lets you go, understanding someone is listening, carefully looking around as you put your finger on your lips, signaling him to be quiet. You point towards the corners of the room, quickly scribbling on a piece of paper that you stash in his pocket.

“Yes, I am so bored with diamonds these days,” you try to control your voice from breaking and you hug him tight, barely whispering in his ear: “Run! A left, two rights around the stairs. Don’t take the car, just run!” and you drag him towards the door, peeking outside to make sure nobody is passing by. He has such an intrigued expression on his face and you cover his mouth, shaking your head as a no.

“Ssstttt,” you soundlessly shush him. “Don’t let anybody see you, they’re all undercover! Go!” you whisper one last time before pushing him away and he doesn’t linger anymore but signals you to follow.

You mutter a NO, watching him walk as he turns around one more time to see you in your wedding dress. He takes the corner and he’s gone.

What the hell is going on? The Joker wonders, carefully sneaking around, hiding behind a wall so he can read the piece of paper you placed in his pocket:

“I’m not at Arkham or Belle Reve, not sure where. Warn as many as you can not to come. After you get out, keep left under the trees until you get to the main road. Don’t let them catch you.”

***********************

It was a difficult break up, at least as far as you were concerned. You got sick and tired of everything and left because he didn’t seem to give a damn anyway. You were on your own for about a month when you got ambushed during a heist and couldn’t escape. You were taken to a place you haven’t been before and they were sure thrilled to see they got The Joker’s girlfriend; well, ex, but you didn’t tell them that part; they found out on their own.

You were sentenced to 40 years in prison but offered a deal: if you help the Secret Service catch the elusive Clown Prince of Crime and many others, your verdict will be reduced to only 10 years. It was such a sweet deal and they spared no effort in planning the perfect stakeout: for 3 months they put everything together, using your fake wedding as the bait: they wanted to get as many most wanted criminals as possible with minimum casualties, away from the public eye on that hidden property, rehearsing day and night to make everything seem like the real deal. They knew many would come to the occasion if you invite them. And you agreed, sure hoping J won’t show up. When he did, you didn’t want to care but things didn’t go as planned. You and your stupid feelings for him; you always pay for them no matter what.

***************************

Of course the deal went sour and they retaliated for what you did: your sentence changed to life in prison and you weren’t treated nicely, to say the least. You had days when you regretted your stupid decision, crying yourself to sleep in the dark, cold cell. And some days were better, hoping he might find you and get you out of there. Hours, weeks, months and then two years passed with heartbreaking solitude and doubt, and you finally realized The Joker will never save you.  Even if you helped that day, knowing him he probably hated you with passion after tricking him with that well devised scheme and he is not the one to forgive such transgression. Or maybe he just can’t find the location. You tried to cope but the thought of never getting out of there was slowly driving you insane. How you missed the outside world and the freedom of doing what you please.

And you missed him…You couldn’t get out of your mind that last time he looked at you. You wanted so badly to run with him, but had to stay behind to hold them up, pretending he’s still there for a while to give him enough time to flee…Like he appreciated the sacrifice…Too late now for remorse, yet you can’t hide from yourself.

You slowly chew on your bread, deep in thought, sitting on the mattress, examining your skinny hands. You got so much thinner due to the special menu and treatment you were subjected in the last two years. Fit for a Queen, as they like to laugh at you.

“Oh, great,” you pull out the piece of plastic out of your mouth, unnerved you are always given such disgusting food. This is where you usually stop eating, nauseated at the crap you find in the meals. You glance at it for a second before wanting to toss it on the floor when you notice something.

You have to bring it really close to your eyes since you are not allowed to wear your contacts.  

“I’m here. Cover your ears,” you read and gasp, dumbfounded, having a hard time processing what just happened.

The loud explosion to the right wall of your cell throws you to the ground and your ears start ringing .You struggle to get up, covered in dust and debris, stumbling to keep your balance, dizzy from the blast.

You stare at the gap in your wall, seeing so many bodies moving around on the other side, not knowing what to do.

“Would you hurry up, woman?! I don’t have all day!” you hear the familiar voice and J creeps inside your prison, coughing and trying to move the flying ashes out of his way.

You can’t even move and stare at him wearing your favorite suit, starting to cry in a frenzy.

He sighs and comes in front of you, his blue gaze going up and down your body, growling when he realizes how scrawny you are.

“So you didn’t get married, hm?” he bites on his lip and you barely manage to utter, whimpering:

“N-no…” and you continue bawling , rushing in his arms and he hugs you, taking each other in for a few seconds. “You…you look the same,” you cry your eyes out on his shoulder, hoping you are not hallucinating from the meds.

“I never change, you should know that by now,” he purrs in your hair, ecstatic he found you. He’s been looking forever; my God you were well locked away or what?!

“Sir, we need to get out of here, they’re coming!” one of the mercenaries yells and J lifts you up in his arms, carrying you outside. The sun hits you and you hide your face in his chest, wincing in pain.

“My eyes,” you complain, wiping your tears and slowly readjusting to natural light, fastly blinking to make it better. “You can put me down, I think I can walk,” you turn his face towards you so you can see him.

“Queens don’t walk,” he grumbles, kissing your forehead, continuing to carry you.

“I really missed you,” you confess on the verge of crying again. “I thought you will never come.”

“Meh, I was bored staring at that chandelier all day,” he tries to joke and you sense his hands holding you tighter.

You sniffle, smiling for the first time in so many months and ask when he looks down at you:

“We still have it?”

“We do,” The Joker answers, walking faster as all hell breaks loose behind him.

 Also read: MASTERLIST:

http://diyunho(dot)tumblr(dot)com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist