#worst case she would've died alone in a strange place

[pyreflydust]

There's also something to be said about the differences between loss you expect and loss you don't. Most of the human deaths I've experienced when I was old enough to remember were of people whose deaths I anticipated. My grandmother had cancer before I was even born and she lived until I was 20. My uncle had been given six months to live and lived another two years. My grandfather's dementia had gotten so bad in the last few years of his life specifically because he had been having little strokes for years before the big one happened, which takes its toll.

But that is also why the point about a shared pet she made also hit pretty hard. Because when Nana passed, I became responsible for the three cats she left behind and the first to go was the one that was most attached to her. On one hand, he was the oldest -- I believe two years younger than I was, so he made it to 19! -- which in that sense made it easier. But losing him only 5 months after she died and the way he died right near her chair as if he was trying to find her broke me. (The fact I had no way to get him to the vet over the weekend because no one would bring me out of town with him did not help because all I could do was try to keep him comfortable.)

Of the three of them, Taffy was the hardest even thought Buttons was the youngest and most sudden. (I also wasn't in the country when he died so I didn't get any control over the vet visit either as he was technically my grandfather's cat.) Kappy was difficult because it ended up coming down to me having to make the choice, but he stayed with me the longest after and I knew how bad his health was getting.

I had known all three of them most, if not all, of their lives. They were family. But they were more like little furry uncles or cousins than my children. So none of them hurt even a quarter as much as losing Honey did. Which brings me to the other point I wanted to make before I started rambling.

In our 12 and a half years together, there were only two days (when I had to be in the hospital) where I didn't see her at all during those days. A few times I stayed out over night, but I always saw her before I left and again when I came back the next day. Not more than two days in 12 1/2 years (and not at all in over 12 years) did I not see my baby.

I can't say that about anyone else. I've not even seen my mother every single day for a 12 year stretch. If you lose a human family member that you don't even talk to every day, let alone see every day, it's going to take a little longer to fully process them being gone a lot of the time. Some part of your brain is more likely to be like lalala they're just not here that's fine they usually aren't lalala.

When Honey died, my brain kept trying to tell me she was just in the bathroom. It was summer and she loved sitting on the toilet lid in summer because it was cooler. But then I'd go in there and she wouldn't be there and I'd break again.

And if you live alone, you carry that alone and that makes it so much heavier.