#worst I've ever felt in my life.
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ough tmw the existential dread creeps up on you out of nowhere even though you had a good day...
#I think it's bc I'm tired & I've been in pain all day. the alcohol might be playing a part in it too adkfsj#god tho. just this genuine chill of dread & fear washed over me while I'm just laying in bed minding my business.#I'm combatting it tho!! or. trying to. really don't wanna fall into it. feels exactly like where I was at back in april#and I Do Not want to be there again. shit was getting me so bad I was dealing with physical effects and ahdgksh#worst I've ever felt in my life.#trynna just breathe & calm down & distract myself.#ajdkgkshdk I hate my brain sm. really wish it could just be fucking normal 🙃#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.#personal cw
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...😭
#i've never had a job in my own field that i've liked as much as i've liked my current one#the semester is ending soon and today i heard my contract will not be renewed bc the person i'm substituting will return to work after all#i've been feeling so tired and a bit poorly after the nokia arena show and i probably should have called in sick today#as i was absolutely useless today#and then after my only class today my students came to me with a gift?? 😭#a pink enamel moomin mug and some chocolate and a paper on which they had written nice things about me + a drawing of a dachshund 😭#and i burst to tears right there in front of them because i was so touched (and also because i'm just really really tired and emotional)#i'm so tired about having to apply for new jobs and having to start all over again#i'm so tired of having to do shitty short-notice substitutions again#i feel like i deserve better than that but on the other hand i fee like life's giving me exactly what i deserve and maybe this is it#i'm dreading the summer because idk if i'll have a job to go to in the autumn#and even if i did find something it won't be like the job i have now#also. it's may day eve and the weather's lovely#and i'm hiding in my apartment with the curtains closed so i won't see all the people going out and having fun with their friends#for me may day eve has never been like that. i've always felt so very excluded from those celebrations#on top of that i got yelled at by a bus driver and i'm the worst friend that ever existed#i'm trying to quit on whining about my sad little life but it gets so lonely#please know i'm not writing this for attention or pity. i know y'all have problems of your own and i'm just being a dramatic crybaby
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Oh my gods why am I hurting so fucking badly
#THIS IS SOME OF THE WORST PAINS I'VE EVER FELT IN MY LIFE WHAT THE FUCK#several hours they still persist#I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FUCKING SLEEP THAT'S HOW DAMN BAD THIS PAIN IS
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...so no asks? /ref /lh
gonna ask for more patience and apologise for getting your hopes up, but i appreciate the reference
#lee's thoughts#tumblr eating my asks in the queue is not something i want to deal with when i'm feeling the worst i've ever felt in my life#asks continue when i feel like i want to exist again#sorry to disappoint
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◉‿◉
To the [[ones]] out there who say all Spamton fans will move on once the new secret boss is out—let me say this:
Deltarune's next secret bosses could be the sexiest [[mfers]] I will ever lay my eyes on, but absolutely none of them will top Spamton.
Spamton is the [[near]] perfect blend of everything I like in a character and then some. A character that inspires and connects with me at a level this deep is not one easily replaced.
Will some other fans move on? Yes.
But not this one.
8^)
#musings#spamton g spamton#spamton#deltarune#apparently some people are unaware that a person can deeply adore a single character for years if not an entire lifetime#I have characters I've liked since I was in elementary school. lol#but even then Spamton is different#I have never felt so connected to a character in my whole life.#it's both a hilarious and mysterious feeling#hilarious because this is one of the absolute worst characters to relate to deeply since he's so screwed up#but mysterious because I never thought I'd an encounter a character like this ever
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💌 Check my F.A.Q. , tags, and/or Google before sending a question.
💬 Asks on my inbox: 5
I answer asks slowly depending on my health and how much research/thought each needs. The #answered tag has everything I answered so far! Check it once a month and you'll be covered!
🏺Mandatory viewing for understanding how the West is mistreating our myths.
❤️️ If this blog has helped you in any way please consider buying me a Coffee through the button in the Desktop version of my blog , or here.
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I'm about to be so annoying btw
#by this I mean I'm going to talk about my job until it's no longer new and exciting sorry guys#but this is literally the first good thing to happen to me in MONTHS#shit has been so bad like SO unbelievably bad for a WHILE#like. not only do I have a job (!!!!!!) but it actually seems like a really good fit for me and what I need#like. the hours aren't horrible and in fact I could stand to have more of them#the pay isn't *good* but it's not the worst I've ever made for sure#the work environment though... that's where it gets me. because I get to just be one guy in a store interacting with customers and literally#nobody else#for most of my workday#like. no small talk except for with customers. no learning about my coworker's stupid life. no trying to get along with someone for the sake#of work#like. I just get to be alone and sell shit and when it's slow I get to organize shit like. hello??? yes please#I don't have to be micromanaged because I'm literally alone. like. god I'm so excited#plus it's similar to work I've done before. so. yay#I do really like the coworker I've met before though. he's very sedate and has excellent customer service.#which I know bc every time my mom shops there and he's the one working he's very genial and nice#definitely good at his job. but I wouldn't be surprised if he was getting high in the back or something lmao#he's just so calm ive never met a dude more chill like. he seems like the exact opposite of anxious#and then my other coworker I haven't met yet but I'm sure she's fine.#I do like my boss though! and she's only my boss until they get another manager bc she's actually the manager at another location too#she's just filling in here while they look for another manager#but I like her she was extremely up-front and no-nonsense and plainly stated exactly what she needs from an employer#employee*#which is honestly such a relief like my last job I felt like I had no clue what people wanted from me and it was horrible#but this seems better so far#also I know for a fact I beat out two other people who had interviews the same day and I was so much the preferred choice#that she didn't even wait to decide or anything#she called me like a few hours after my interview ended like. that 3rd person left and she immediately hired me instead lol#which I have to admit does feel good after so long feeling inadequate and unhirable.#I am more hirable than at least two people. so THERE
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i've got fucking covid for the first time four years in this is such bullshit
#best case scenario i picked it up from some rando when i went shopping on tuesday#worst case scenario i got it from my brother who's been sick but refuses to test or mask and has been consistently going to work while sick#dipshit#anyway this fucking sucks. like it's not the sickest i've ever felt in my life but i don't feel good.
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hello hi. We associate you with blues, pinks, and purples, and the moon and the ocean and beach. We associate you with love and happiness and perseverance and determination. We associate you with Kirby and Celebi and the Cleffa line. We associate you with having fun and good childhood memories and hatena of COURSE hatena how could we forget hatena!! We associate you with good memories and our whole life at this point, I cannot believe we've known each other for over a decade, what the fuck?
We associate you with being our best friend forever and ever and also we lov you. And we truly mean that! we lov you we lov you we lov you <3 <2.
Thank you for being in our life. Sorry this is rambly HSHSJSDKF -Heart
What if I cried what then?
#shut up alli#ask#THANK YOUUUUU WTF THIS IS SO SWEET AUGHHHH#I LOVE YOU TOO THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE THE WHOLE TIME#it's a badge of honor cuz the bitches who have been with me since my teenage years are the real ones like I was my worst there#like idk it's just genuinely wild and I appreciate you so much. I've been through a lot of friends leaving cuz that's life#but it's not something I've ever felt afraid of with you. our thing just feels natural and I'm overjoyed to have you in my life#so thank you for everything it's been a wonderful ride and I look forward to many more years <3#fave#so i can look at this every now and then bc wowwwww I love my friend#friends*? I MEAN ALL OF Y'ALL YOU KNOW JFLDSKJFS
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This sucks.
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i've literally been non stop studyinf for a week i can physically feel my entire body shutting down. im not making it out of this fr
#4 exams this week 2 exams in one day tmrw. jm literally about todie#ive been like full body shaking for the past few hrs but the grind never stops. i gotta finish this#the way I've been studying for just this one exam 24/7 for 3 full days now and im still not close to done#i usually pull all nighters before exams but i dont think i can do that here coz like. my body is legit going to give out#not posting this to get advice or anything i know this is bad and i should sleep it's just a life update#life update: bad👍 but i'll survive#probably the worst ive ever felt while studying tho. what i get for exammaxxing#we get ~2 months to take our exams and im taking all of them in less than 2 weeks instead coz i#want my summer to be completely free. so I'll pay the price now but it's gonna be sooo worth it. god. please#barking
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The awesome thing about college is that being there is miserable, and not being there is worse.
Nifty!
#I might be going back to college in September and man. I might just quit lmao#I did engineering courses before and that was genuinely the worst over ever felt in my life#I would genuinely have panic attacks and leave every day#But I couldn't just leave the course because I'd feel like a failure#Which didn't matter anyway cause I failed the course lmao#My new course is business shit and I feel like I'm gonna get stuck in a course I hate again#Technically I was good at business. But that was only because it was continues assessment and my teacher wasn't that good.#Fuck dude#Vent#Yeah this is a vent post if you hadn't figured that out#I just had an interview there and apparently my course has an online class once a week#I might quit for that alone cause I can't fucking stand those#But also I don't wanna work at dunnes for 20 years and then die#But also also I can't work part time and go to college so that means no money#Yeah fuck this lmao#Delete later#Fuck it I've got a drawing tablet now. I'm becoming a full time inflation artist or something. I hear that's good money#Thinking about it more I already struggle with self worth or whatever#And I fucking hate annoying businesses bros so becoming one might make me actively hate myself
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#welcome to another installment of: angel spits out all his thoughts about autism cause if he keeps them inside his head will explode#in today's episode: is it possible that my ''panic attacks'' have been autistic meltdowns all this time?#then answer is maybe!#ok so i was watching this youtube video from channel I'm autisticn now what? (check it out it's great!)#and meg was talking about the different types of autistic meltdowns and how they might manifest#and then in the comments people were discussing autistic meltdowns vs panic attacks and how cofused they used to be about them#and that got me thinking... there's a big thing that needs to happen during a panic attack for it to be a panic attack#and that is anxious thoughts... many people talk about fear of death during panic attacks#and that was never my experience. I don't feel like I'm going to die when I have these ''attacks''#they feel painful and like i'm completely out of control but my head is quite clear in that regard#i always thought it was because i don't think dying is like The Worst thing that could happen to me so maybe that was why#and it never ocurred to me that it could be an autistic meltdown because i always saw those as ''little boy hits his head against the wall'#(horrible i know) but it's more than that! (plus i sadly started self harming when the ''attack'' is too bad so not i fit that idea lol)#it's the uncontrollable crying. the throwing anything you have at hand across the room. the not being able to utter words#(other than ''no'' in my case) it's the complete lack of control#and that fits so much more to what i experience! i even related to meg's personal anecdote about a meltdown she had as a child#being separated from my mom made me go into full panic modes as a kid and that was seen as a tantrum but it was more than that to me!#and as an added bonus the only therapist i've ever seen in my life used to call my panic attacks ''pseudo-panic attacks''#because even she felt it didn't quite fit in the description (not that she was a good therapist so i can't put her as an example lol)#but anyways... yeah every day that goes by i'm more and more convinced I am autistic and it scares me to fucking death#because of the way my mom reacted when i first raised the question. so yeah this is for nothing lol nothing will change in my life#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#angel talks#personal
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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Do you ever just have those moments where you're sitting there, minding your own business before out of nowhere you get war flashbacks to the most embarassing things you've ever done or made in your life and you can feel your ego whither away before your eyes
#thats me with literally anything ive written before the year 2020#drye rambles#life advice: anything you make that gets popular when you're 13 years of age you will grow to hate it's existence#im sorry i dont make the rules#i have to live with my worst written comic having a high production dub on youtube#with over 200 thousand views mind you#ive gotten jumpscared by the thumbnail of that video more times than i can count#no hate to the guy who made it#he's great#but the best voice acting and editing will never fix something that's poorly written#looking back im so releived that part 2 was never made#idk i just felt like ranting about that#being intentionally vague because i don't want anyone searching it up#but if you know you know#rant#old art#old writing#edit: side note i'm so sorry Cello that you had to pronounce the worst fictional surname i've ever come up with
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thought y'all might enjoy knowing that my Waking From General Anesthesia story includes
immediately crying when I re-acquired consciousness
thanking everyone in the room profusely. p r o f u s e l y.
holding one nurse's hand for either ~10 seconds or the entire time she was in the vicinity idr
"I'm sorry I keep crying but um . pain scale?" <- said once finally Not crying
#they were very kind and assured me that anesthesia makes some people weepy. which I've never heard before but ok#i'm sure it was ridiculous#realistically i was like. pretty lucid pretty quickly so it all had to happen rapid fire#my bf was a little disappointed that I wasn’t more embarrassing jsdbdjdh#leo.txt#might delete later just thought it was funny and oversharing is good for healing#would you believe me if i told you i'm really not Usually a crier?#anyway. ouch.#can we talk about the pain scale too please because that shit is sooooooo subjective. the worst pain I've ever felt#????#what does that even mean. worst pain of my life. you wish you could hurt me that bad LMAO#it's been a long day
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