#working through hard stuff & when they feel overwhelmed but like. it's like is that DUMB or just like. i feel my feelings in a really inten

[gayfranzkafka]

(insane post incoming) okay i've been a taylor swift re-recordings hater since the beginning but the Speak Now re-recording is making me INSANE i think it's partially just that i'm having a weird time emotionally anyway but like "Timeless" made me TEAR UP like bro WHAT like something about it being soooo essentially of that era but new like the novelty of it BONKED me over the head with a reminder of what it felt like to hear all those songs off Speak Now for the first time when i just had this IDEA of what love was & hadn't actually experienced it yet (& wouldn't for many years!!) like way before i even knew i was a lesbian just listening to taylor sing "enchanted" alone in my bedroom wondering who the guy she was singing about was & if she ever saw him again (because i was #blessed to not have internet access and therefor not know it was the dude from owl city she was singing about alsdfhaklsdhfasdh) & i remember just pouring through the little lyric booklet & its pictures & intro & mostly it was just me & the music & this picture of her in a ballgown in my head & this made up but hopeful romantic idea of what love is and like S C R E A M

[thetxtdevil]

This blog has become a thought dump page and you're going to deal with it

Ok ok ok,,, listennnn Fox Hybrid!Yeonjun

mdni - some smutty stuff, hybrids duh, biting duh, mating DUH

Its cliché but my mind is thinking, stray wild fox starved and lonely somehow how finds himself in the edges of a town, your town ofc. Just as he peeps through the trees he sees you on your daily walks and oh my does he think you're beautiful and *ahem* scrumptious. Fox!Yeonjun takes a few days to work up the courage to step out of the woods to finally stalk towards you, I mean, meet you.

You're walking and right when you were about to put your earbuds in you hear foot steps behind you. You turn around thinking someone is there but there is no one. You shake your head at your curiosity to turn back around to bump into the fox.

Dirty, is the only thing you can think of, you're frightened but god he’s dirty af. His orange hair is more of a brown dusty color, clothes ripped and not his size, but his eyes, his big brown yet predatory eyes have you melting. He needs a home. That night you bathed him and Yeonjun was basically purring to you.

And thats how you ended up with a fox hybrid in your house. Well, sorta, see foxes are independent, so Yeonjun liked to escape your cozy home and go back into the wild. Adaptable and very observant it wasn't hard to find his way back to you. He'd come every other day bringing back meat he hunted for, you two cook a meal together, and ofc another bath only from you bc he says he doesn't know how to do it himself :))

By the end of winter your seasonal depression is itching to go back outside for your walks. You hoped to see your handsome fox as it had been some time since you've seen jjun. You watch as the spots of snow melts into the green grass, the wind was brisk but bearable, crisp to breathe in. While walking you jolt, a tickle on your skin when you feel something brush against you. You look to your left to get a flash of a white tip of an orange tail, looking to your right you see Yeonjun, your handsome fox. He was very vocal today, talking about everything and anything, even singing a few times. He liked how you had evident heart eyes every time he sang.

You two end up back at your house ready to do your usual, give him a bath. But something felt different, usually jjun would be jumping off the walls for his special treatment but this time he was right next to you, holding your hand leading you to your bathtub. Bending down to turn the faucet on, you could sense the fox right behind you. Straightening your posture you're not surprised to feel his arms around your waist as he tends to be cuddly, but you are surprised by his abundant neck kisses and the hardon poking your back. One thing leads to another and now you're both naked and in the bathtub.

Yes, you knew all the times Yeonjun creeped on you before he introduced himself, you're not dumb, but you never felt unsafe with him. The fox is gorgeous, a flirt, a smooth talker, but he had a playful and caring nature that made you feel like he was another home at home. So his need for mating you felt natural, good even. Letting him leave a bunch of love bites all over your skin as you ride him. You two giggling at the waves of the bath water, but all giggles were put aside when you stroke his fluffy orange tail awakening his feral side, having him thrust up into you so much that the water floods the whole bathroom floor. Your hands in his hair then reaches up to his pointy ears holding them for dear life. Panting, moaning, overwhelmed by his force, yet you take time to admire Yeonjun's pretty features as they contort by the feeling of you.

And yeah so, after that you had to clean each other up again. Yeonjun becomes very protective after mating you. Never leaving your side, gets a little frustrated when your don't go to bed right away. Fox!Yeonjun just wants to stay up on guard as you get your beauty sleep. And foxes tend to have one mate for life, but you don't need to know that....

A nuisance,

TxT's Devil

taglist: @naoristerling, @inkigayocamman

[meowzfordayz]

calling them daddy — akaza, douma, kokushibo

Author’s Note: didn’t even originally plan on writing this today. 🤪😏

calling them daddy — akaza, douma, kokushibo

Akaza x Reader, Douma x Reader, Kokushibo x Reader

Word Count: ~1,000

CW: 18+NSFW, cream!pie, degrading language, explicit language, Fem!Reader, spit

Emergency Request Fulfilled: I was wondering if I could request how Muzan, Koku and Douma would react to the reader calling them daddy.

Thirst Fulfilled: hiii!! I love your work like omg 🩷 I saw your fic ab calling the hashira men daddy frm back in January and was wondering if you could write something similar about the upper 3 (kokushibo, douma, nd akaza) please!

calling them daddy — hashira men

~faqs~

When you call him daddy…

… Akaza cums mid thrust, hands trembling and tight on your hips, eyes clenched shut as embarrassment washes over him, grateful that you can’t see how red his cheeks and ears are. “Did you just cum?” you ask breathlessly, pillow muffling your voice, pussy squeezing gently around his pulsating thickness. Staring at your ass propped up so pretty for him, the curve of your spine so plush and enticing, he manages to choke out a gruff, “Yes.” Cooing fondly, you carefully shift yourself backward, his slowly softening cock still hard enough fuck yourself onto, a hushed moan falling from your mouth at the feeling of cum trickling viscous and warm down your inner thighs. “That was hot,” you murmur, reaching behind yourself to grip one of his hands, fingernails digging eagerly into his skin, “You should do it again.” “Again?” he rasps. “Mhm,” you giggle coyly, head turning to meet his dazed expression with your own greedy desire, “Should cum in me again and again and again, till there’s a puddle on the sheets from your cum dripping out of me.” With a low groan, he drapes himself across your back, broad chest sweaty and sticky, words barely audible as he whispers into the crook of your neck, “So fucking filthy, wanting me to stuff your cunt,” adoration and pride smoothing his tone as he gives one final thrust, “Begging for daddy’s cum.” You whine when he pulls out abruptly, oblivious of his imminent plan to lick your clit till you’re shaking, his cum leaking from your messy folds with every twitch and jolt of your body. After all, he needs a moment before he can fuck you and fill you again.

… Douma smirks, eyes narrowing smugly, fingertips digging harder into plush of your sides — a warning, if you were coherent enough for it to register. “Daddy, daddy, daddy!” you whimper, back arched off the bed, legs wrapped loosely around his waist, toes curling at the addictive pain from each gentle bump of his tip against your cervix. “What is it?” he drawls, smirk deepening as you whine loudly, nipples puffy and glistening from his earlier ministrations, “What do you want from daddy?” Eyebrows scrunching, you blink slowly, pouting cutely at him as you desperately attempt to piece together your hazy thoughts, “I- I don’t know?-” interrupted by a particularly deep thrust, “Daddy!” Laughing darkly, he slaps lightly at your chest, grinning at the bounce of your tits, your sharp inhalation, your eyelids drooping from the overwhelming drag of his cock shoving thick and hot through your walls. “So fucking dumb,” he sighs, “Stupid whore,” stroking your jaw with his thumb, “Can’t even express her own desires,” slipping his thumb into your mouth, “Is that why I’m your daddy?” pressing down on your tongue, your eyes pricking with tears as you gag slightly, “Because I know what you want, can give you what you want, even when you can’t use your fucking words.” Moaning softly, you wiggle your hips, drooling around his thumb onto his palm, body jostling with every punctuated thrust into your swollen pussy. He smears your spit across your face, thumb resting on your cheek as he pulls nearly all the way out, cock slick with your essence as he murmurs,“Don’t worry darling,” already bullying himself back into your pussy, thumb moving from your wet cheek to rub messy and experienced at your clit, a stuttered gasp forced from your sternum, “All you need to do is cum.”

… Kokushibo stiffens, muscular chest suddenly flexing against your back, his chin digging into your shoulder, the thick leg slotted between your thighs hesitating. “What did you say?” he asks lowly, expression unreadable as you turn your head to meet his gaze, his body spooned around you, cock unmoving in your pussy as he processes your exclamation. “Nothing?” you offer sheepishly, cheeks burning, clit throbbing under your fingertip, “I said nothing? I said Fuck me? I said You feel really good-” “I know you said those things,” he interrupts gently, “But what else did you say?” Gulping, you tuck your face into the warmth beneath his earlobe, his hair tickling your nose. “My love,” he says softly, firm hand reaching up to caress your breast, hips returning to motion as they press slowly into your heat, as if to coax more than a pleasured sound from your mouth, “Tell me, please.” “S’embarrassing,” you groan dramatically, doing your best to focus on the sticky pap pap pap of his thrusts, the largeness of his palm cupping your tit, “Said nothing.” “Clearly,” he rasps, “It wasn’t nothing,” nudging your fingertip out of the way, his own fingers take its place, shiny slick coating them as he slides them pointedly through your folds, “Or is there another reason you’re dripping?” Whining quietly, you clench around his cock, desperate to feel the pressure of his fingers again, his languid thrusts torturously divine. “Your cock fills me up so well,” you huff, hoping to placate him, “So fucking full with your-” “I know my cock stuffs your cunt to the brim,” he interjects brashly, flicking your clit with a satisfied smirk, “But something tells me you were about to cum because it’s daddy’s cock… right?” His question is rhetorical, your immediate whimper confirming his statement, the gush of your essence making it easier for him to quicken his pace as he clutches you closer to him. “There’s nothing wrong with cumming on daddy’s cock,” he hums conversationally, the tightness in his jaw the only hint of the unraveling desire in his abdomen, “Nothing wrong with making a mess on daddy’s fingers, a mess of daddy’s sheets,” your orgasm steadily blossoming as he continues fucking into you, “How about this… if you cum on daddy’s cock, then daddy will make sure to breed your greedy pussy properly.” Properly meaning: until you’re lying dazed and contentedly in his arms, his cum oozing hot and creamy from your fucked out hole, his cock twitching and engorged as he steels himself for one final round.

[joohanisms]

xdh + their favorite way to make you cum 💭💫

this is soo silly and more of a characterization exercise than anything else but!! i hope you guys like it <3

cw: oof here we go, afab reader, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, mention of thigh riding/dry humping, overstimulation, mention of squirting and dacryphilia, edging, slight begging, fingering, twitter porn link in junhan's, oral (fem receiving), mention of face sitting if you squint wc: ~900

gunil

dick.

a traditional man

Nothing beats some pounding. he Will make you cum with his dick inside your cunt.

big fan of cumming together <3

he's all about the connection, honoring the making love expression, fucking you deep and slow...

but dw, he Will have his balls slapping your clit while taking you from the back if the situation (your sex drives) requires.

likes making you a little cock dumb. it boosts his ego in unimaginable way – he's making you feel so good you can't think about anything else other than him <3

will probably go a bit insane if he ever hit it raw. like there had been very few times he came before you. but this was a moment.

he'd be sooooo overwhelmed over how much he Loves and Wants you + your pussy ain't helping him at all :-(

jungsu

idk how to say what i mean but. non-penetrative stuff

dry humping, having you hump his leg, thigh riding, being used i guess? but in a loving way <3

his thoughts are somewhere around damn this is so low maintenance?? i'm not even doing anything?? and i make you feel good this easily?? this is all i've ever asked for??

but not in a "lazy" way. you know how he's always looking out for everyone? now he can take care of you only by standing still/rutting himself against you. not having to think is refreshing sometimes, you know?

in his opinion, it's sooooo absurdly hot to be able to make you cum without barely doing anything!!

has accidentally cummed in his boxers multiple times in his haste to make you cum.

btw if you can cum untouched (only by nipple stim, for exemple) he might die on the spot

if he's in a dommy mood, he will also play with you through your underwear just to be a tease :-(

jiseok

absolute menace

likes overstimulation very much.

doesn't really have a favorite method to do so, but is best with his fingers (as expected from a guitarist)

has a vibrator.

looovesss to play with your clit. will go LBLBBLBLHLLLBLBLHL with his tongue (i laughed writing this)

bonus points if you either squirt or cry!

even more bonus points if your mascara runs off!

aaand it's top tier sex if he gets to cum on you later!!

will hold your hips down and pull your hands away if you squirm too much – but if you start uttering the first syllable of the safeword he is immediately off of you.

if you ask nicely, he'll let you use a vibrator on him and give him a taste of his own medicine <3

and just a psa: i think that because of his love to overstimulate you and wreck you, he'd be one of the members who would be so down for a threesome he'd suggest it himself <33

seungmin

another menace.

as insane as jiseok but all the way on the other side of the menace spectrum = edging king

so controlling and aware of his every move. will make you INSANE, sobbing pleaseplewspelspelseseungminseungmin, have you like 5 seconds away from cumming .. and then he STOPS????

although you know the orgasm will hit you harder after being edged, you cant help but want to kill him /lovingly

will get you worked up and stop touching you (you whine) only to go hard on you (you nearly scream) in any way he'd like :-)

if you favor any method, he'll be more than happy to comply!!

likes it a lot when you get a little desperate. he will shush you, say "it's okay, baby" and start POUNDING. you see stars when you finally cum <3

hyeongjun

i have a vision bear with me.

fingering. but you're across his lap. like this. (PORN LINK for reference)

really likes fingering you in general because it doesn't matter how lazy he is at the moment, he Will be making you cum! cleanup is pretty easy too :-)

his sex drive is something like a low thrum. he's not usually insanely horny, but he's slightly horny (nearly) all the time, willing to make you feel good (as long as it's not public. he has limits.)

so if you come onto him, he's ready to give it to you – sometimes he won't even take his clothes off. he'll just focus on you.

the power trip it gives him + the feeling of being in control makes his head spin... 😵‍💫

will inevitably get hard by the time you cum and you inevitably get him off then.

jooyeon

absolute MUNCH!!!!!!

pussy to his face all day. smother him. hold his hair in a ponytail. give him thigh earmuffs. could probably go a month with only pussy and a cup of water

sit on his nose. if he dies he dies

absolutely sloppy with it but insanely good

drooly boy <33333

when he's in his usual bratty mood he will be SOOOOO cocky and smug to the point you would slap him on the back of his head if his tongue wasn't making you see stars.

in a subby mood though... puppy. puppy boy. if you pull his hair, he'll moan so sweetly against your cunt :-(

if you pull him away from you while he's at it, he'll rest his head on your thigh and look at you with sparkling eyes and a wet chin, waiting for an explanation as to why you're interrupting his 5-star meal.

[junkopottershima]

An Early 2000's Child's Observation on Zutara Shipping War.

I awoke from my slumber upon discovering the Avatar fanbase, and the absolute shipping war that I never really gave a shit about until now. Zutara is a relatively new ship to me, as is any other ship that isn’t canon, so I’m gonna run through the list of anti-zutara arguments that I’ve found, and list out my takes on them. I’m doing this, because although I see lots of love for Zutara, there’s some aspects about Katara and Zuko’s relationship in the show that makes me question how well their “chemistry” would actually work. For that, I’m genuinely curious and even politely asking “Zutarians” to please step up and respond with their takes on arguments against Zutara. Though, I should mention that there's going to be some anti-zutara takes that I don't agree with. I'll just be getting them off my chest. Welp, here we go now:

"Zutara can't work because it's Oppressor x Oppressed".

I've seen people saying this, and then saying that you can only "truly" agree/disagree with this point if you're an oppressed ethnicity, class, or whatever. Well, I guess as an African American woman, I honestly think the argument that "Zuko and Katara absolutely cannot work out because he's the colonizer and she's the victim" is rather dumb and blatantly ignores the fact that Zuko was trying to change his ways. Like, that argument is so stupid to me, it's almost offensive. We see Zuko change and try to keep changing his perspective on other nations and foreigners, and the step he takes to do that is by standing up to his father on the day of the eclipse and declaring his new mission to find and help Aang and his friends stop the war. Ozai wasted no time trying to do what he wanted since day 1 of Zuko's life, which was to end him. Zuko put his life on the line to change his ways. If we're going by the logic that Zuko can't be healthy for Katara because he's an oppressor...what the fuck was the point of him trying to gain their trust and trying to help Aang take down his father...if he's an oppressor? If we're going off the logic that Katara should not trust Zuko because he (more like his father and father's army) is an oppressor, shouldn't that apply to the rest of the Gaang as well by the fact that each of their nations and cultures were/are threatened by the Fire Nation? Going off of that logic, it becomes easy to say that Zuko should have never gotten a chance to even be friends with Aang, Sokka, Katara, Toph, and Suki just because his family consists of war-mongering assholes, but why would anyone say that when it's shown that Zuko is actively trying to change his ways at that point? Also, if we're go there (the colonizer stuff), it's almost like saying white people should never be dating any nonwhite solely because many whites in positions of power abuse it to subjugate nonwhites. It blatantly ignores the real-life contexts and instances where individual whites mean no harm and are able to get along with other races. It blatantly ignores the instances of whites being able to find genuine love with people from other races, even in hard times like the Civil Rights Era and various wars. We can see that it's fucked up to generalize...so why do we gotta do that with Zuko? Keep in mind, I'm talking about the point where Zuko is officially redeeming himself.

"It would make no sense for Katara and Zuko to end up together at the end--They only had limited time together".

Now this, I definitely agree with. I understand that Zutarians loved the hell out of Zutara and rooted for them to be together at the series finale, but the in-lore time and development Katara had with Aang, and Zuko with Mai is objectively more grounded and overwhelming than all the "evidence" that Zuko would have had a great romance with Katara. Even with Zuko having redeemed a lot about himself in his arc at season 3 and AFTER Katara learns to trust him, there's literally no time for them to develop any romantic feelings or a relationship because Sozin's Comet was just like several days away at that point. Even in the catacombs of Ba Sing Se, Katara's moment with offering to heal Zuko's scar and to really establish a bond was interrupted by Aang and Iroh before she could waste her spirit water on him--THEY HAD NO TIME. Meanwhile, Mai and Zuko were childhood friends, and knew each other for basically their whole lives. Plus, they were dating throughout the series. In practicality, isn't it going to be Mai that would make the most sense as a love interest due to the fact that of all candidates, Mai understands Zuko the most? Isn't it Mai that Zuko has took the time to write a letter for in the prison, smile and laugh for? With Mai, we see Zuko at his most happy. Point is, Mai is objectively a very important love interest to Zuko, so even though they broke up several times before, I don't think Zuko is the type to just throw his tears away and immediately move on. I mean seriously, Jin was more like a rebound fling and Zuko didn't even blink when he dipped back to the Fire Nation. And I don't think I need to pull up the entire show just to list examples of Aang and Katara having each other's backs and developing an unbreakable bond. Zuko and Katara didn't have the time to develop romantic feeling for each other at their best and even if they had an infatuation for one another, wouldn't Zuko's bond and romantic feelings for Mai predictably just bubble to the surface again? I mean Zuko lost no sleep when he basically ditched Jin and went straight back to Mai. No offense to anyone who loves Jin/Zuko, I'm just telling it as it is.

"Zuko does not consistently consider Katara's feelings".

Again, this is true. After returning to the Fire Nation, Zuko isn't shown to be shaken by his betrayal to Katara. He's just not thinking about her during his time back home. But what I definitely want to talk about is the part where he joins the Gaang, and Katara is vocally distrustful of him. This is the aspect of Zuko and Katara's relationship that has always stopped me from actually shipping them together. Katara is vocal, again and again, that she doesn't trust Zuko because of his history with basically being a serious asshole bounty hunter for the avatar, because of him betraying her trust back in Ba Sing Se, and the fact that she personally blamed Zuko for her mother's death due to associating him with Fire Nation scum. Now while Katara is clearly bothered by his presence in the Gaang, Zuko literally didn't care and was on-board to keep on trucking. It's only after it gets too annoying does Zuko now care about Katara's feelings, and what does he lead with? "This is so unfair!". Upon confronting Katara about her feelings, Zuko immediately declaring that Katara was being unfair just reveals that Zuko was thinking more about himself in this moment. That Zuko didn't do anything wrong, that Zuko must not have done anything wrong because Zuko does not even remember what he did to piss off Katara. Katara is the one that has to check him by explaining why she doesn't like him: his betrayal, her perception of his affiliation with the Fire Nation, and PROBABLY the fact that he sent 'sparky sparky boom boom' man after Aang. Right after that, Zuko goes to see Sokka about he and Katara's mother, and while that's very considerate of Zuko...it shows that he's kind of ignorant about properly apologizing for his wrongs. He skipped doing any apology for what happened in Ba Sing Se, and went straight to "Okay, what's the deal with her mom?". It's nice that Zuko gave Katara the option to do a Quentin Tarantino mission on the dude that murked her mom, but the fact that Zuko put Katara's vocal disapproval and Ba Sing Se event kind of on the back burner of his concerns isn't quite a good look. It shows that Zuko, although in redemption, still possessed from listening problems.

Also, when searching for different takes on Zutara, I found a post by a particular user that I don't remember. But basically, in critiquing Zutara the user mentioned Katara threatening Zuko that she would "end his destiny personally" was 'abuse'. I believe this user is called, 'erin-the-brave'. Well in my opinion, that just wasn't an intelligent perspective on Katara's dialogue. In Katara's perspective, Zuko has been chasing her, Sokka, and Aang across the world to capture him, which to her would mean the doom for the world. Zuko taunts Katara about her mother's necklace, using it to try bringing her into giving up Aang. Zuko is randomly living in Ba Sing Se, and right after she has a short bonding moment with him, he immediately choses to help Azula kill Aang. Zuko then sends an assassin after Aang, in which that assassin locks Katara and Toph up in a jail cell as bait. I get that Zuko helped free her dad and Suki from prison, but goddamn, how the fuck else do you expect Katara to react to Zuko's sudden redemption? Even if he IS trying? Katara isn't a fucking mind reader. Like how did you genuinely expect her to react? "Oh you poor thing! Let me welcome you with wide open arms so I can kiss your ass and wipe it with a sample of spirit water"???

"Oh Katara's being abusive to Zuko because she was telling him that she'll end his life if he hurts Aang again, even though Zuko HAS repeatedly tested everybody in the Gaang". Could it serve as an argument that Katara wasn't given much time to learn with, and trust Zuko in order for a romantic relationship to work? I think so. But would I say Katara's reaction to Zuko's second redemption is 'abuse'? No. I think it would be overreacting to even call that verbal abuse, because in Katara's shoes, who wouldn't be wary of Zuko?

"Zuko was pushing Katara to be a murderer in The Southern Raiders, he was bringing out the worst in her".

I actually disagree with this. Zuko merely told Katara that he knows the guy who killed her mother, and that would help her find him. If I recall correctly, he didn't push or pressure her into actually killing him. He merely offered her a journey to find the fucker who took her mother's life. Katara contemplating murder, going on the trip, and even blood bending during the mission was 100% her own choice. The fact that Katara almost instantly chose this journey with Zuko seems to imply that this was something she always wanted to do, but just never got the chance for: confronting her mother's killer. Even after Katara chose not to kill the guy, Zuko didn't hold her choice against her. He doesn't belittle her, nor did he ever pressure her to twist Yon Rha to death like a pretzel. Zuko actually tells Katara that her ability to be better than Yon Rha was a person strength, and Zuko even seems proud of her in that moment. He gave Katara the chance for closure, she took it, she tackled the confrontation in her own way as Zuko let her have her spotlight, and they walked away with him being proud of her.

"Zutara would be better if you just replaced Zuko with Azula in the ship".

This is a joke, right? Because the only way this could get funnier is if you threw in Ozai.

"a fic which does 'ATLA’s plot goes almost exactly as canon, except my favorite ship happens' is not clever or innovative".

....it's fanfiction with endless creativity, writing styles, and brains behind it. Rewriting the show's beginning, midsection, endgame, or all of the above is objectively creative and at least a little innovative. Fanfiction absolutely can be creative and innovative, you don't have to lie just because you don't like a ship, my brother.

"Katara offering to heal Zuko's scar is actually evidence that she does NOT fully understand Zuko"

I've seen this take and I think it's one of the best arguments against Zutara, to be honest. A user named 'Maikingsenseofit' explained it so well, I'm just gonna copy and paste it:

"Upon seeing his scar, her immediate thought is to use spirit water to heal it. While this is an outstanding demonstration of kindness for someone she is not obliged to show it to, let’s remember that right before this Zuko says:

“It's okay. I used to think this scar marked me. The mark of the banished prince, cursed to chase the Avatar forever. But lately... I've realized that I'm free to determine my own destiny, even if I'll never be free of my mark.”

This. Right here. It is so important to understand. Zuko’s scar is so much more than a scar. It represents his trauma from his father, the trials and tribulations he faced to earn Ozai’s approval, and is a further reminder that he is the black sheep of the family both figuratively (a son who could never live up to his title, who could never bend like he was supposed to) and literally (the only member of a pristine royal family with an ugly brand on his face).

But his journey with Uncle Iroh in Ba Sing Se allows him to come to terms this trauma, or moreover this scar. It’s a reminder that we cannot escape our past or try to stifle it. We must embrace it and learn to accept it. It is only then that we are fully liberated from the shackles of our trauma and can fully determine our paths forward.

Katara’s offer to get rid of Zuko’s scar represents a regression of Zuko’s hard earned realization. He had just come to terms with his troubled past and accepts the ephemeral mark on his face. He even wears it with pride. He doesn’t try to hide his past or stifle his trauma, not anymore. It is an integral part of who he is. It is what makes Zuko, Zuko.He vocalizes this to Katara immediately before this. Katara however, fails to understand the significance and the journey behind this mark, largely in part because she wasn’t there to witness it. Her attempt to heal his scar falls flat in several ways, but one main reason is because just because something is healed physically, doesn’t mean it’s healed emotionally. But it’s important to consider something else here: Zuko never explicitly asks Katara or verbalizes a desire to get rid of his scar. Based on the earlier conversation, he’s finally gotten around to embracing it and welcoming the significance behind it. What Katara offers is in stark contrast to what he said. He allows her to touch his scar, but it is evident that she would never heal it. Why?

From Belen Edwards, despite the traumatic memories associated with his scar, Zuko never seems particularly ashamed of it. Throughout season 1, his hairstyle ensures that it's completely exposed, showing his identity to the world. In the second season, Zuko tells Katara that he's beginning to accept that he won't be rid of the scar.

And yet despite hearing the last part, Katara still offers a solution to Zuko to get rid of it.

This is where we see that the so called deep understanding and caring that Zuko and Katara held for each other is beginning to crack. Where is Katara’s deep and profound, soul-ular (get it, like cellular?) understanding of Zuko that no one else, other than Iroh, had of him? It begs us to ask if Iroh was in that room, given the journey he embarked on with his nephew both physically and emotionally, would he have encouraged Katara to get rid of this mark? The answer is obviously no. If there is a deep vulnerability and intimacy that they share with each other, and no one else, it does seem pointless given on both ends neither understands the full depth of the other’s situation. This is exemplified by Zuko immediately forgetting his entire interaction with Katara (but not His interaction with Aang interestingly) afterwards and still failing to understand why Katara was mad at him, even AFTER she explicitly tells him. And this is exemplified by Katara not fully acknowledging and understanding Zuko’s acceptance of his scar and offering a surface level solution that will never address the emotional significance and tribulations that come with it. Nothing against either of the characters by the way, and I need to emphasize that in bold font. I am simply observing their interactions and dispelling these “Word of God”-like claims.

Consider Zuko’s interactions with Mai. When he first sees her after years of banishment she gently his scar and touches in it not in an attempt to get rid of it, but because it is a part of Zuko. And when it comes to kissing Zuko, it means touching his scar, touching him in his entirety- including his physical and emotional marks. There’s a deliberate reason why the storyboard artists included Zuko’s scar in the scene. Because she’s known Zuko her whole life and was there when he first received it. Zuko and his scar are not two separate entities for her. They are one and the same"

End dialogue.

What should be mentioned is that Zutarians do like to say that "Katara is the first person to ever touch his scar"...which to be honest, I just don't believe. I just don't believe that Katara got to touch his scar before Iroh or Mai ever did, because it would insinuate that Iroh and Mai have never caressed the side of Zuko's face to comfort him, and after all those years of being close with them. Then there's the claim that Katara is the only person Zuko opens up to in the Gaang, even though he talked about some of his feelings to Toph, talked about some of his feelings to Sokka, and talked about some of his feelings to Aang. When Zuko snatched Aang and hustled themselves into a cave in the middle of blizzard nowhere, Zuko opens up about his rough childhood to Aang. Yes, Aang wasn't conscious to listen, but Zuko DID talk to him. Perhaps Katara is the first member of the Gaang that Zuko opened up to (the "mom talk" in Ba Sing Se) without the other person being too out-of-conscious to listen, but she's definitely not the only one that Zuko opened up to. She's technically not the first person to give Zuko a chance, but Aang was the one who did it right after he was freed by Zuko (who was disguised as the Blue Spirit).

"Toko = Zutara = Zukka = just about any fan pairing/OT100 involving Zuko".

I don't entirely agree with this. For context, a user by the name of 'atla-recluse' posted this in regard to Zuko shipping:

"Toph, who actually wanted to go on one just to hang out with him. Toph, who tried to speak to him about her personal struggles (as they walked together in search of Aang). The sort of thing an actually compassionate and reflective boy would have at least tried to sympathize with, even if only briefly. Instead, he immediately shuts her down. Seems he didn’t have a second to waste on some dumb little girl, right? This same girl who would later on take moments out of her time to sit down with him and comfort him (The Ember Island Players). Someone’s always there when he wants support. An emotionally volatile 12 - 13 year-old comforting an even more emotionally volatile 16 - 17 year-old. Not a good look. And yet…Toko = Zutara = Zukka = just about any fan pairing/OT100 involving Zuko. And the reasons why they’re shipped always seem to be the same, save one little difference here and there. It’s always about pleasing Zuko and his you-know-what. Pardon the innuendo and my mood."

I agree that Zuko was kind of a jerk to Toph with how he dismissed her, even though he dumped his emotions out and let her give some reassurance. Zuko went on a journey to free Hadoka from prison with Sokka, and Zuko went on a journey to give Katara closure for the fucker that murdered her mother. Although Zuko has streaks of selfishness in his good deeds, it should still be noted that he does care enough about Sokka and Katara to help them in regard to their families. Meanwhile, Zuko factually never even said Toph's name during the entire show's runtime. I'm not saying that Zutara is a perfect ship, but I am saying that it IS different than Toko.

The Final Point to mention: They just ain't into each other".

And although I like checking out Zutara fics and seeing what creative combinations the Zutarans had to bring for over ten years, I still don't truly ship Katara and Zuko because they're just not into each other. Look at the Ember Island play scene that depicted Katara and Zuko being secret lovers in an affair. They literally cringed away from each other. They didn't blush or smile, they CRINGED.

So far, those are my takes on this apparent "war" with the Zutara shipping. So here's where I casually call up hardcore Zutarans to ask a genuine and polite question: what is your response to these arguments against Zutara? Will you still ship them after these arguments? I would really like to know your perspectives, and to see if my mind can change. I don't hate Zutara, though I'm not sure if I ship Zuko and Katara either. Again, that's my actual take, and I would super like to read what Zutarans would like to say about all this.

[soupsandwich64]

THE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY AND THEIR LOVE LANGUAGES.

Forgive me for any mistakes of lore, names or character traits etc.. I am bad at remembering things.

Not proof read.

ALSO NOTE THAT THIS DOESN'T MEAN "THESE ARE THE ONLY LANGUAGES THAT WORK ON THEM" IT MEANS "THESE ARE THE ONES THAT WORK BEST OUT OF ALL OF THEM"

And theres things like least favorite, too.

--------------------------------------------------------

ROCKET RACCOON

RECEIVING -

(What is most effective towards him)

GIFT GIVING.

(Particularly prosthetic limbs)

QUALITY TIME.

Think like co-playing. Both in the same room doing different things. Sometimes talking

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

This one is probably pretty intense for him, so he only lets it actually sink in if it's a short sentiment from someone he truly cares about. Like, a friend being like "wow you're so cool!" Would definitely make him feel good, and probably inflate his ego/self esteem, but wouldn't really set in. But if like, Peter or Mantis etc. said something like "I appreciate everything you do for this team, we love you" that might actually hit hard. That's what I mean when I put words of affirmation here

---

GIVING

(What he would give you or others)

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

QUALITY TIME.

These two are his most standard forms of affection. He also gives them like he receives them. So, if someone he's friends with is a silent type, comfortable silence in the same room. If they're talkative, some light chatting is ok, and so on. Words of affirmation from him would most likely just be surface level stuff like "Good job" "You're not as dumb as I thought" "that's a neat trick" etc. sort of a friendly bullying. How people respond to that bullying tells him a lot about someone, usually. Just like with himself, if he's particularly close to someone, he may let out the occasional genuine praise without a layer of sarcasm.

LEAST FAVORITE

Physical touch.

Yeah, ouch, I know.

Not only is he smaller than everyone, which might make physical touch overwhelming, but he also has the situation on his back. But deep down, I think he's a bit touch starved (Everyone in the dang MCU is at this point) and secretly enjoys it. You just can't be heavy handed, and he really has to trust you. And too much too frequently may make him feel like a pet. So be careful.

(theres no way he would admit though, If asked about it he would simply say "Cause I don't want you gross sweaty skin bags all over me", referring to most peoples lack of fur)

-------------

PETER QUILL

(Theres like only 4 gifs of him. Why does my boy not deserve tasty gifs)

RECEIVING

-----------

With Peter it heavily depends on where you are in his timeline. The "golden age" Peter, where Gamora is alive and in love, and its good times for everyone, is probably not focused on relationships outside of the team (which might be part of his issues that were addressed in Vol 3.) The "everyone I love is dead" peter is in an extreme depressive state and obviously isn't going to be making new friends or even be responsive to his current friends (for the most part). The post Vol3 "Reconciled with my dad and stopped hopping on lily pads" Peter is new man! But also the same, being like a rebuilt version of himself. He would now, in my opinion, value every relationship he has. Every opportunity he has to be with other people becomes valuable, and everything he does is to honor the people who loved him when no one else did (Mama Quill, Yondu, Gamora etc.) and serve the people who love him now and kept loving him even through hard times. (Rocket, Mantis, Drax, Groot etc.).

With that said,

ACTS OF SERVICE

GIFT GIVING

I see Peter feeling loved more through actions and physical items because of what he's been through, making him crave things that are solid and real. Also Yondu was a lil trinket collector so that may turn up in Peter too. But, I also think Peter may feel a little guilty when receiving gifts. Very grateful, though.

I will also add

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

QUALITY TIME

Because even despite what I just said, I think a solid "You're so strong, I look up to you" every now then would make him giggle and kick his feet a little internally.

And listening to music together or sharing music is also particularly special

At the end of the day, he's just happy to be around loved ones.

GIVING

Just as you may be doing right now, he would probably try and figure out what the specific person likes. So his giving just depends on the person.

LEAST FAVORITE.

He doesn't really have one. He just wants to be loved.

--------

DRAX

(The destroyer (and protector))

Drax is probably receptive to most forms of affection, but it has to be obvious and clearcut.

Like, doing subtle things in the background might not get his attention, but hugging him directly and saying something like "I appreciate you as a person and for everything you do for the team" would be a lot better, and mean a lot more to him, even though its a very bold/blunt move. Theres probably a balance between blunt and subtle, but it would be pretty easy to strike. You also don't want to leave room for interpretation if you're afraid of him misinterpreting the difference between platonic and romantic affection. Its a slippery slope, but as long as you avoid using the word 'love' without platonic clarification too many times, you'll be good.

Also Drax does does not make friends in the traditional sense, he simply decides who is and who is not his friend. Whether they know about it or not. Not even in a way thats like cold and calculated or something, he just thinks it in his own head and decides it, expecting the others to simply Know.

With that said,

RECEIVING

PHYSICAL TOUCH.

I say this is probably both receiving and giving, but he's probably less likely to give and more open to receive. I feel like he would just kinda stand there the first few times someone hugged him, but if it became a routine thing, he would become more reciprocal. That might sound like he doesn't like physical touch, but I think its rather the fact that along with his other social skills, physical affection just turns out.. different.. for him. Like when he pet Rocket. I think he's a physical person, it just comes out weird. I want to hug him. If you touch his muscles too much he may get weirded out, or think you like him.

GIVING GIFTS

If you give him something he likes, like zarg-nuts, oh boy. He will DEFINITELY like you. Thats all to be said.

GIVING

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

Things like "You're ugly, but thats good because then you know who really loves you", y'know.

GIFT GIVING

Will offer you zarg-nuts. Thats a big deal.

LEAST FAVORITE

Probably Quality Time, but only if its boring. I think he actually sees things like fighting alongside the team as quality time, so it might just be different than how we would interpret quality time.

Again, he probably is just generally receptive to each language so you can't really go wrong, as long as you come across right.

-------------------

GAMORA (pre and post)

(There's also not a lot of gifs of her at all)

So, much like quill, she has three versions. During Thanos, Golden Age, and Multiverse. I'll do Golden Age and Multiverse because I don't think During Thanos is interesting, at least not for this specific post.

Also golden age and multiverse are technically two different people.

GOLDEN AGE GAMORA

Golden age Gamora is, in my opinion, a very deeply feeling woman. She can be stone cold when she needs to, but I feel like she is very emotionally intelligent especially as she gets closer with the team. She is also very loving, and is often 'the rock' of a friendship. Or just generally the level headed, down to earth one.

-----------------------

RECEIVING

QUALITY TIME

Definitely finds spending time together and talking valuable. Even listening to music together is special.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

As long as the words are honest and not trying to just flatter her or try and get in good with her, she appreciates it. Honest praise goes a long way. Too much too often may make her embarrassed.

GIVING

Since she *is* rather emotionally intelligent, I imagine she would figure out what that person is most receptive to, and display that. But if it's someone she likes, like Peter, she may get bashful and have a hard time acting natural with it and would probably revert to her own preferred language.

LEAST FAVORITE

GIFT GIVING.

I imagine her upbringing caused her to not be a materialistic person. That said, gifts can be extremely special to her, but its just rare. So giving her flowers doesn't do anything but like if Peter gave her a mixtape, thats different.

////

MULTIVERSE GAMORA

A more hot headed, less sensitive version of golden age. Meaning she's probably more standoffish and less emotionally intelligent, but not by a lot, just sort of by the trimmings and details of her personality. Being with the ravagers probably does that to most anyone. Golden age has more motherly vibes, while multiverse has more protective older sister vibes.

--------

RECEIVING

PHYSICAL TOUCH.

In the form of rough housing and play fighting with her ravager friends. Not exactly in a tender way, although I do see sort of the "let me patch you up" angst. One of the differences between the two is that multiverse is more afraid to be vulnerable.

GIFT GIVING

Surprisingly. I think the ravager life style may make her a little more appreciative of having her own things. I imagine theres a lot of competitiveness for special food and special items, even if its playful. Even though something unnecessary like flowers may not excite her, things like a newer, stronger weapon could mean a lot. Golden Age may not feel the exact same only because it's probably more accessible. But lets say if its something Rocket made her, then it would be inherently valuable because its from her friend. With multiverse, things gain inherent value when they're useful.

LEAST FAVORITE

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

She doesn't need you to tell her she's doing a good job, she already knows. Compliments are only effective from people she respects above peer-level, which is rare. Joking around with her friends (loving insults, etc) is different though.

---------------------

GROOT (multiple ages)

(I couldn't find gifs of young adult groot, only many of baby groot and a few of groot senior. Sad)

Baby Groot, Teen Groot, Young Adult Groot, Adult Groot, Groot Senior. So many choices. I'll do them ALL. (Except adult groot cause we just saw him for a few minutes so like- yknow)

GROOT SENIOR

Since Groot sr. was treated "more as animal" than a person, I imagine he doesn't have a concept of love language at all. Therefor, I will say that anything he perceives as loving, caring and protective action is his love language both giving and receiving. R.I.P. legend you will not be forgotten 🪽🕊️🕊️ 🙏 💯

The original baby boy. I'm still sad.

-----

BABY GROOT

He's a baby, so in theme for babies, attention, physical affection, and quality time are pretty much his main priorities. He ain't got much going on. Older baby groot, like toddler groot, is more active and perceptive, so I'd say his main receiving language is words of affirmation, and his main giving language is acts of service.

TEEN GROOT

Teen groot is broody and angsty, and he's definitely not thinking about other's feelings. So I'm gonna say while it's rare, when he does show affection, it's act of service. Receiving is pretty much anything, he doesn't really care right now.

At least not about the specifics.

-

YOUNG ADULT GROOT

Now, groot is much more loving and affectionate. He is receptive to all love languages, and gives them all too. Except, theres not much use in words of affirmation for him unless he really loves the person.

-----

MANTIS

RECEIVING

Anything. As long as she can clearly tell it's love/affection, it's effective. Like Peter, she just wants to be loved.

GIVING

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

Being able to verbally explain how she feels to someone, and how she may appreciate that person, is the most confident option for her. She thinks that it's pretty effective, and is the safest option. She probably also never got a lot of affection at all before the Guardians, but I think she appreciates mental and social affection more than physical.

LEAST FAVORITE

Doesn't have one.

------------

NEBULA

(Last one I'm doing this post then I'll do a few more in a second post)

RECEIVING

QUALITY TIME.

Like board games and stuff, or at least thats what I think she wants, deep down. I feel like maybe she doesn't realize this is one of her love languages. Like it's subconscious.

GIFT GIVING.

With her upbringing, she only had things taken away. Giving her something of importance may mean a lot to her. Like her new arm in Vol3. Again since shes still a little emotionally constipated, she may not really realize this.

GIVING.

She doesn't really understand how to sort of actively pursue a friendship or how to read someones love language, so her giving language is probably just existing in the same space as someone without criticizing them. Because she doesn't quite know how to do more than that, or at least isn't comfortable right now. But she wants to and deep down she's trying.

------------

THANK YOU FOR READING!!!!!

I'll do like Adam Warlock and stuff next.

[ne0nwithazero]

ur website is awesome where did you learn html and css!! ive been looking for months now but i cant find any starting points i can easily understand

Thank you! I kind of mostly used to do Neopets template junk in 2007 and had some extremely basic and outdated HTML knowledge until recently LOL (As in that my knowledge was basically knowing that <i> made your text italic and if I typed color="blue" it would change the color of the text haha)

But yeah, I'm basically self-taught! One of the courses I did in the past did have a few Web Design classes, but I had a really hard time understanding any of it and my grades were awful, so I hardly count that as having contributed anything to my knowledge x) (We were forced to make the most bland minimalistic corporate websites so the lack of fun in that definitely contributed hahaha)

I guess starting out really depends on what you're personally comfortable with? The way I personally started was that I used one of those Free Website Makers like Wix/Weebly/etc to try and "sketch" my website! I had this old unused !Weebly portfolio website I wasn't doing anything with, so I used that

W3Schools is the MVP for this stuff since it has basically everything you can learn about HTML/CSS/etc! For my Website I remember first starting by trying to create the navbar, looking at the Weebly mockup and trying to mentally deconstruct it all into boxes to try and understand how I could recreate it with my own code!

(The reason my navbar looks so different from the screenshot was because I had a really hard time recreating it xD And I ended up with something a lot more basic to match my skillset!)

Something that always worked for me was using templates and just trial and error my way into trying to understand what did what x)

Considering my website has the three-column format, I do recall using SadGrl's Layout Maker code as a reference for my own!

And I guess that's advice I can give?? Finding websites you like, or if you're wondering how someone did something, how their font has weird colours, what animations they're using, etc etc, just go look into their source code, or use the Inspect Tool (F12) and select elements to try and understand the code!

I do sometimes hide goofy hidden text and easter eggs in my source codes, so I'm personally cool with people looking through mine to understand how I did things :)

I definitely relate to this all being overwhelming or confusing at the start, so I'd say just take it slow and make things fun for yourself! I used weird fonts and bright colours when trying to see what does what, use dumb placeholder texts and images too LMAO

Another thing that helped was that I found gifs and images I liked to place on the website and try to make it feel all the more personal and cozy!

Again this is just my personal experience and what I did to make the learning experience more enjoyable :)

[chococolte]

Hey, Sophie!!! Are there any tips you have for writing or starting a new blog? You really inspired me to start a writing blog <33

i'm so happy i inspired you!!!! 💗 below the read more are just what came to mind, but if u have any other questions pls let me know!

blog wise 🧾 —

one: stylization. choose a theme and/or color palette (2-3 colors) and stick to it. stylize your [writing] posts to look nice and pleasing to the eye. aesthetic is important. you want people to want to click on your writing. if your post is just the title, warnings, and then the writing, with no header or divider (esp with no read more), you're likely to get less interaction. if you're the kind to get quickly bored of a theme, then stylize your posts in a way which will look good with any palette.

two: fandom. be aware of what fandom you're writing in. if you're writing for a smaller fandom, then the audience your going to reach is smaller, and vice versa. if you want to get popular/for your writing to reach a bigger audience, i recommend writing for a popular fandom. you can reach out to smaller stuff once you have a sizable amount of people that will read whatever you put out. of course, it's all up to you— write whatever you like, and for whatever you like! don't be disheartened by lack of interaction. what's most important is that you're happy with your work.

three: navigation. making your blog easy to navigate is important. tag the writing with a writing tag, tag your misc text posts, tag readers gender, tag reblogs, tag discourse (though i recommend keeping discourse entirely separate from your writing blog, as fanfic is mostly used as an escape), everything— this is important for your blogs navigability. i only tagged my text posts in the beginning and now i have to go back and add tags to my older posts so people can have an easier time going through my writing. it sucks. so much so that i've been putting it off and only have like, 10 writing posts tagged properly rn. save yourself the trouble and do it from the start!

writing wise ✒️ —

one: readability. you do not want your work to be hard to read or to understand. it's important to be concise, and to simplify sentences when they become too jumbled. note: i am not saying to dumb down your writing, but accessibility is necessary if you want your work to reach a bigger audience. just keep this in mind when rereading your work. i elaborate further on what i mean by 'readability' below.

two: word-usage. it's important to note that there's a fine line between showcasing your vocabulary, and using words you don't fully understand to impress an audience that truly does not care for it. call it black, not stygian. say it was dark out, not "the tenebrous clouds loomed over the crepuscular sky".

i'm not saying to completely remove words that may challenge your readers vocabulary. no, most people actually like learning new words. but it's important to know the distinction between learning a new word, and being overwhelmed by them to the point you can't fully understand what's being described.

there is a time and place. there will be a time where calling the color black stygian or pale green glaucous feels right. that is not going to be when you just learned of the words existence. these moments should feel and be natural, not forced.

three: word-choice. you can tell a lot of things just be using a specific word. if a character is meant to be seen as strong and mighty, you can paint how weak the reader makes them (this is under the assumption u want to write fanfic but this applies everywhere dsbxjdbd) by calling their blushing 'delicate' or 'fragile' in direct juxtaposition to their persona. readers r gonna understand the subtext.

four: familiar phrasing. familiar phrasing are phrases, or certain words strung together, that are familiar to the reader— to a detriment. phrases such as "a shiver ran down his spine", or describing a storm as "raging", are all familiar phrasing. They aren't unique descriptions, and while every sentence doesn't need to be perfect, this is still something you can work on on your own pace.

what's most important is what you're invoking for the reader. you could describe a sun's reflection on the sea as just that, the sun's reflection— or you could describe it as a second sun dipping beneath the horizon, gold and glittery, honey dipped in water... whether those descriptions resonant with the reader is unknown, but at least they evoke something that is unfamiliar. they paint a picture that is distinct from simply a sun's reflection. keep it in mind! ^^ i think that's all i have to say for now... sorry if my wording was a little wonky in places, it's 1 am for me rn... but i still hope this helps nonnie, and feel free to msg me again if u want me to elaborate further on any of these or if u want my advice/tips on something more specific..!!! <3

[thedreadvampy]

Tbh I really gotta work on this thing in relationships where I feel like I'm Letting The Side Down and being really needy and overwhelming if I have emotions out loud. literally even if those emotions are Liking You it gives me a pang. which is dumb bc I am a very emotional person and people like that about me!

but god man Cool Girl Syndrome will work into your brain until you are insane. you gotta be easy. low-maintenance. only have or express emotions which are convenient and flattering. gotta not just Endure but be entirely unaffected

like it's fucked up! sometimes I get jealous of Sam or Jay. because they have to basically be forced at threat of torture to admit they have an emotion about something. and that makes me really sad and obviously isn't Good For Them sam do not reply saying you love to bottle but there's this horrid goblin in my brain going see they're tough they're strong they can keep all their feelings from leaking out it's humiliating that you can't. Shut up, goblin! I genuinely like and am so glad when my partners talk to me about how they're feeling even if it's in the form of falling apart! Why can I not trust them to feel the same way about me?

like people are consciously making room for me to talk about my emotions. every time I mention I'm not coping Jay drops everything to book in some time with me to talk it through. but in my head every time I need to discuss An Emotion I have to add it to the Secret Invisible Tally of how much Too Much I'm getting.

and it's stuff as small as this: if I message Jay to wish them luck am I making this about myself? If I tell someone I love them without being extremely sure they want to hear it (we have been dating for years) am I putting undue pressure on them? if I say I'm tired and don't want to hang out then am I making them feel rejected just so I can feel a bit better? you know.

I am better than I ever have been about Actually Doing Those Things btw like I have been working really hard to say what I need. but at the same time I haven't shed the utter horror and disgust I feel at myself for demanding space in people's lives. It's A Process.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I am a new reader of your blog, and that is something I want to know (but it's totally okay if you want to ignore this ask!) why you stopped liking [with you]? Is there something in particular that bothered you about this fic?

That... is a question with a loaded answer.

The quick answer is:

I put way too much pressure on myself with [with you] that caused terrible burnout and I couldn't do any creative writing for a long time after; a small portion of my readers were pretty hostile about slow updates; there were criticisms about the story that I had a hard time with; and there are a lot of story beats and writing decisions I made with it that I'm very critical of. All of those things combined, I now have a lot of negative feelings associated with [with you].

The not-so-quick answer involves a lot of self-criticism about my prose, poor choices, the criticisms by my readers, and some behind the scenes stuff. I'll put all that under a "keep reading" for anyone interested in more detail.

When I started [with you], it wasn't meant to be a 50k+ story, it was just going to be a simpler story told in a couple parts... that I then kept expanding. I'm pretty sure every note I have on the original version posted on here starts with, "hey y'all, this story is this many parts now whoops haha"

I had very little planned out, I was just discovery writing my way through everything. I wrote a chapter, read through it a couple times, said, "yeah that's good enough," then posted. Y'know, like what a lot of people who write fics do. "no beta, we die like Ben falling down the bell tower" and all that.

I had ideas of where I wanted to go, but I didn't start an outline until I was well into the story. It was bloated. I felt like I needed to add every single idea I had, and needed to expand on every character, even if it didn't do anything to advance or enhance the story... and that became overwhelming for me to keep track of since I wanted it to all tie together in the end and please my readers.

When I read through it now, there is so much that can be cut that no one would miss. It would flow better and be easier to read.

My prose [the actual writing style] is all over the place and reads like a first draft, especially in earlier chapters. Spelling errors, run-on sentences, whole paragraphs that I should've cut. While I feel better about my dialogue, there are some conversations that read as awkward.

Honestly, the best part of the entire fic is Clementine and Louis' story, which... yeah. I'm pretty happy with the way I portrayed their dynamic, dialogue, and romance. I just wish I hadn't bogged it all down with everything else, like... that's all it needed to be, it just needed to be about clouis.

Oh, and I still like the dream sequence. That's probably one of the better chapters, if not the best chapter.

Now, when I say I made bad choices with this story, one of those choices I'm referring to is my "big rewrite." This was incredibly stupid. Past CJ thought it was a good idea but she's a dumb ass. You can't listen to anything she says.

Basically, I got the brilliant idea that I would take [with you] down and rewrite the whole thing before I wrote the final chapters. I wasn't satisfied with how it was written. I felt I could do so much better. I was going to trim unnecessary fat, expand on important details, make some heavy changes, improve everything, and then repost it with the ending.... so I deleted it off AO3 and got to work.

Terrible idea. Don't ask me why. What I should've done was discontinued that version, made a note that it was old, and then published the new version separately. But I didn't. And a lot of people were pissed at me. Shocking.

I should've just finished it. I should've finished it, posted it, and then went from there. But I didn't. Ever since then I've gotten a lot of readers who would go on anon and send me messages about [with you] that are passive aggressive or guilt trippy. That soured my feelings about the story and myself as a writer tremendously.

Then there's Violet.

I wrote the first few chapters before Ep4 of TFS was released, meaning I wrote Violet before we found out that she's blinded in the explosion in her kidnapped route. I took the "Violet despises you" route, and a big plot point of the story is Violet dealing with all these conflicting feelings about Clementine, hating her but also not, distancing herself from the group, the strain it put on her and Louis' friendship, etc.

I don't like how I portrayed Violet for a number of reasons. I know what I was trying to do, and I knew I couldn't [or wouldn't] scrap everything I already wrote about her and rewrite in a blind Violet on friendly terms with Clementine... because sure, I wanted to do this grand rewrite that sounded easy enough on paper, but in practice that was so much work that intimidated me.

Because behind the scenes fun- for the rewrite, I wanted to do that. That was a major change that would've cut so much from the story I wasn't happy with, and would've been a more positive portrayal of the character. But then I saw just how much would be cut and how much I'd have to write and it scared me off from the idea... so I tried to work with what I had and I still hate it.

Violet's very antagonistic in the story. She attacked Clementine after the boat explosion. Everyone thinks she'll attack her again. Mitch calls her a traitorous bitch and doesn't trust her to not stab Clementine in a conversation. There's even a point where it's mentioned that in the past she slapped Louis during a conversation. She just has a pissy attitude throughout the story but then berates herself for it and I just... I was going for a slow burn recovery that explores her trauma and ends with her reconciling with Clementine... but it doesn't come off that way? Some parts I think I executed better than others but most of it I look back at and say, "...No, past CJ, that doesn't read like you think it does...."

But that wasn't my only criticism I got about the way I wrote Violet, and this one is... a little complicated? And something most probably wouldn't take issue with or even notice unless you're a major Violet stan... but I pretty much gave Mitch [a character I loved at the time] a lot of Violet's canon character points and explored them more positively, then turned around and made Violet more antagonistic, which......yeeeeeah.

The only defense I have for this is it wasn't intentional. It really wasn't, but I understand and think it's a valid complaint. Like... I used to get these anons who would tell me this and I'd quietly delete them because, "...nope, not touching that. If I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist."

Lemme explain: In my fics, Mitch is gay. He had feelings for his best friend and roommate, Justin, before he died to walkers, and Mitch hasn't trusted "gross feelings" ever since... until James shows up and Mitch has to face the fact that he has romantic feelings for him while not being completely over Justin...

...y'know, totally different from Violet who is gay, had feelings for Minerva before she "died," and hasn't trusted mushy feelings ever since... until Clementine shows up and Violet has to face the fact that she has romantic feelings for her while not being completely over Minerva....

It's surface level stuff since they are written differently, and it's not like you're not allowed to have more than one character with character beats like that, but it's enough of a similarity that I get why it would rub Violet lovers the wrong way. Especially since nothing about that is canon with Mitch's character, y'know? It's the character I gave him.

I don't think it was coming from the Violet crowd [the aggressively obnoxious fans no one likes], I think it came from people who were genuinely bummed or put off by my more antagonistic portrayal of her, only to see similar traits portrayed positively with Mitch.

And that bothers me. I do like the way I wrote Mitch, but I hate the way I wrote Violet. It's made me step back and analyze why I wrote them the way I did, y'know?

But the BIGGEST criticism from readers I've gotten?

[with you] is unfinished.... valid, but there isn't anything I can add that. Sorry y'all, it's discontinued, I'm never going to finish it.

The best I can give you is what I planned: a big wedding scene where Clementine and Louis exchanged vows and kissed. Violet showed up and made amends with Clementine. Clementine talked Mitch into dancing with her even though he hates dancing. Aasim tried to ask Ruby to dance, panicked, and asked Mitch instead who was like "...Fuck no, RUBY COME DANCE WITH AASIM!" Louis and Clementine left early to head back to their room and it probably would've ended with some sappy line about being together to the end.

So... there ya go? It's not a final chapter but that's the gist of what would've happened.

But moving on, I was also going through a lot of things in my personal life that I won't get into. I was working on other writing projects that I had more interest in, so [with you] was put on the backburner. Then, over time I grew more sour about it the more pressure and guilt I put on myself, added with the pressure and guilt put on by my readers.

I do want to clarify that it's not like ALL of my readers were like this. Most of them were sweet, supportive followers who only had nice things to say. But you know how it is... you could get ten comments/asks, nine of them positive and one negative, and it's the negative one that's going to stick to you.

So, to my lovely readers, I am sorry that I let you down by not finishing it. To the rude readers, I'm less sorry because y'all were dicks.

Y'know... I can look at all of my other works and either be like "Yeah, I'm really proud of that story," or "Eh, it was one of my earlier works, so I can't be too hard on it."

But [with you] puts me in a crisis of "oh god I'm a fraud, I was never a good writer, what am I doing??? why?? why are you like this??"

and I have to snap myself out of it. That's why I'm so like this about it now.

There are other little things I could go into, but this answer is long enough. I figure if anyone has any further questions or criticisms, they'll send 'em in and I can answer them that way.

I've moved on from all my twdg writing, I'm writing dragon age stuff now, and it's finally working for me so it's not like [with you] has me all hung up still. Plus, I think it's good to go back and learn from mistakes made in old works, y'know?

[cyberpawn-arc]

👫 any and all of our babes!!! <3 <3

Send a 👫and I’ll write four headcanons I have about our muse’s relationship

Vale and Shaw are the most domestic couple in Night City I am absolutely sure of it. I think it's because the both of them need an escape from their work personas and work lifestyles. This has lead to evenings with them trying to bake/cook something together and it's a mess every time because Baken and Marmie are involved. Vale and Shaw also make the apartment SO comfy and lived in and it actually starts to look and feel like home.

VALE AND TJ GAMER MOMENT. Please imagine the days spent sitting at a game console and the both of them with snacks and even letting Johnny and Gadget talk too. Vale and TJ deserve to have sleepovers and pillow fights and just!! Have fun!! Also let these four like. Prank people and by that I mean dumb, harmless stuff like prank calls.

Mierre is most likely one of the very few people who is good at communicating with Vale when they don't want to talk/are overwhelmed and shutdown. They don't talk at all, but they might sign or type on their phone, and I can definitely see Mierre being able to communicate with them. They're thankful that she tries, and it results in those shutdowns feeling less harmful to their brain. Whereas Johnny picks through rough memories and hard ones to spur V on, Mierre seems like the type to ask Vale random questions about those little memories. Less "REMEMBER JACKIE" and more "hey remember that one time Jackie bought donuts for lunch? that was nice, yeah?"

Hey shout out to Saprana for dealing with Vale's dreams that are a mess of chaos and sometimes nightmares and fantasies and. Yeah! It's a mess and Vale knows and they do retreat into those dreams and daydreams, which can be a bit dangerous. I think Vale will often run off into the dreams and beg to remember them the next morning, since they want to be able to tell Shaw about all the wonderful stuff they've seen.

I KNOW LITTLE ABOUT VINNIE BUT VALE IS GOING TO HAVE MASSIVE LITTLE SIBLING ENERGY WITH HIM. THEY WILL BOTHER HIM AND PICS DUMB LIL FIGHTS AND ROUGHHOUSE.

Bucktooth Bonus: Vale, local Cabin Idiot, sparring with Buck and being a jokester and causing trouble with him!!

[sobeautifullyobsessed]

For the associations thing:

Doctor Strange (obviously)

Sound of Music (I don't know why? Have you even posted anything about it before? I don't know, maybe it has to do with the very soft romances you write/rp (hopefully you understand what I mean by soft))

Brown curls and glasses (because of Beauty)

How to word this in the most coherent way possible because I'm genuinely worried I'll accidentally offend someone? I'm demiromantic and asexual. I have a very different relationship with romance and sex compared to most. I am sex-averse and have this disconnect with romance that's really hard to describe. As you might imagine, it can make fandom spaces difficult sometimes. I'm a responsible person and simply don't interact with content that I don't like. I use Tumblr because there's no algorithm so I won't see stuff just because I follow fandom blogs. So it's fine but a little isolating or overwhelming sometimes. Personally, the hardest thing for me isn't when people write smut. Generally, writers are very responsible, using the read more and tags to prevent accidental viewership. But when I see people casually talking about how sexy a character/actor is, that is much harder for me sometimes. And it's not like it's a bad thing to post about how Actor X is a hottie. I absolutely support people saying that sort of stuff. It is an irrational thing I have where I feel left out. I don't know if it's internalized aphobia I'm working through or a general anxiety of being forgotten or what, but I somehow get massive FOMO from it a lot of the time. Which is irrational and pointless, which makes it even more frustrating. Since that is generally not tagged (because there's not a major need for it to be tagged) and it's not explicit material, I actually see it. Means I end up following lots of aspec people because that's easier than dealing with FOMO and the negative self talk because of the irrationality. But occasionally I find people who are very much open about how sexually appealing characters/actors are but somehow I'm okay with it. It doesn't cause FOMO. I have no idea why. At first I thought it had to do with ratio of horny posts to other posts, ie analyzing story and character posts. Nope, even people that analyze a lot can be overwhelming. Before I knew about asexuality and aromanticism, I convinced myself I was attracted to different men and women because I felt the need to conform. I followed people who were vocal about how attractive different actors/characters are, forcing myself to look at it, convincing myself I was like that. As you can guess, that wasn't that good for my mental health. Thank heavens, I moved on from that. But I remember you being the first person I followed on my other acc that was vocal about it but somehow didn't overwhelm me. And, I don't read your smut, I may scroll past a post if I think it's going in the "this person is attractive" direction if I've had a rough day, but otherwise everything is completely fine. Again, no idea why you're different from so many other blogs in my head. Like I said, it's not like any of this is rational. But it means I have this interesting association with you in relationship to romance and sexual attractiveness that's hard to describe. Almost relieving because especially in the Doctor Strange fandom it can be hard for me sometimes (and I headcanon him as greysexual and I've never seen anyone else headcanon him as aspec. I'm apparently the lone wolf of the fandom lol). And it's weird. Like I said, no one is doing anything wrong, it's my brain being dumb and irrational for no good reason. But you've successfully got a good grade in local asexual being chill, and you should take that as a compliment. Sorry if this is weird, because it is definitely weird and hard to explain and I mean no harm. I just have a very different experience in fandom because of my orientations but I am comfortable with your blog.

TELL ME WHAT YOU ASSOCIATE WITH ME. COLORS, SONGS, AESTHETICS, PEOPLE, ANYTHING.

Darling, sorry for the delayed answer, I just wanted to be sure I understood as best I could what you were saying. I think I have it--and I absolutely DO take what you've explained as a compliment. 😊 And ofc, I wanted to reply before you went on hiatus (hope that all your health issues have checked out for your trip to go forward!). Let me comment in brief on a few things.

The Sound of Music - though you may not have seen them, I have posted about this movie as an early influence on my perception of Romance--as early as seven years old! After the first time I saw it, I kept telling people I wanted to be an Actress or a Nun (probably because Maria always looked so pretty). Only years later did I understand

that Christopher Plummer's Captain Von Trapp strongly contributed to my standard of ideal male beauty (tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed, aristocratic looking; make you think of anyone we know?😉). The scene where Maria & the Captain dance is my quintessential idea of slow-burn, pining romance, and I suppose it's softness colors my writing in most cases.

Beauty's dark hair & glasses - my face claim is Zooey Deschanel in her series The New Girl because, frankly, she's an idealized version of my real life appearance AND that character's personality embodies so much of what I wanted to build into Beauty. So I adore when anyone following me associates me with my Beauty. And lately, when I feel blue, I cheer myself up by watching the series to see the happy (and successfully romantic) adventures of a character that has become very like my alter ego.

As to your theory - YES. YES, I can see & I do believe I understand what you mean. Partly, I'm guessing you appreciate the fact that I'm a one Actor (and most of his characters) blog, rather than flitting from sexy celeb of the moment to the next. Loyalty trumps sex appeal, where the heart is truly invested. I wonder as well if my approach to characters falling in love is to have them gradually realize it's happening is appealing because there's 'no pressure' on the reader. And that the physical manifestations of their burdgeoning love are based in softness and awe and affection rather than lust and desire. It's always their hearts that guide the way--and that growing realization of 'oh, there you are! I guess I was waiting all along for YOU to come into my life.' I suppose that's soft and non-threatening and sincerely heart-based enough that makes it palatable for you. I am certainly glad for that!

Now...let me wish you a fabulous adventure in the months to come, and invite you to visit us here from time to time. I hope you will always find my blog a hospitable place to do so.🥰🥰

[the-duckless-pond]

My anxiety is through the ROOF today guys holy shit. I am not okay. Someone keeps buzzing my buzzer daily and it is making me feel awful and last night I lost my shit and shouted at them to leave me alone through the intercom. Which, you know, might work and might not. I have no clue. Anyway after that I laid down and cried because I was overwhelmed. And this morning I woke up super on edge and have just been dreading the inevitable buzzing that will happen in about three hours.

And then I had to make some maintenance requests because I guess no one looked too hard at the apartment before they rented it out and there was a bunch of stuff to do. So I made like five requests for fixing different things and now I am living in fear because they knock on the door so fucking loudly when they arrive. Like, pounding on it. I hate it. I can hear it in my imagination and it makes me want to scream. With any luck the same person will just take care of all five things but I can easily see myself letting things go a while just because I’m in a bad brain spot and don’t want to deal with the pounding on my door.

The buzzer is really getting to me, though. I might go ahead and put on my osha earphones a little earlier than I had planned, since I was going to put them on this afternoon around the buzzing time. I do very sincerely want to open up the unit and disconnect the wire from the buzzer so that I can’t hear it anymore. That would be ideal. I highly doubt the complex will disconnect it for me. I won’t end up touching it, but a girl can dream, right? Ugh. It’ll be buzzing time between 3pm and 5pm. I am super not okay with this happening. I might complain to management about it. I think today I will just tell them to stop buzzing me through the intercom. And if it keeps happening for another week or so I will get management involved. I doubt they will do anything but I’m going to try. I need them to stop buzzing me. I’m going to lose my shit just thinking about it. Ugh. It’s so fucking dumb. Just leave me alone.

All that to say that there might not be a chapter like I had hoped today. I’m really going to try, but I’m super anxious and on edge and I don’t know how I will feel after I finish my chores and things.

I don’t know. I guess I’ll go put my earphones on and put on some soothing music through them. I’m having a hard time today.

[just-jess-78]

I am so completely overwhelmed. I haven’t had as much just stuff going on all at once…ever. That I can remember.

Today I went to grab a jacket off the back of my bedroom door saw the holes punched in it and I can’t explain the feeling I had.

Then I got a call to go interview for a job I applied for and it was a guy on the phone and I instantly shut the fuuuuck down. It’s so fucking weird. I talk to guys that I’m friends with, I’m around men in small doses and controlled settings but the idea of having to work with guys FEELS like it’s too much. I can’t even take my car to get the oil changed because when I’m the only girl in that kind of setting, I make it through but it takes days to recover and I wish that was a joke. I wish it didn’t sound completely fucking nuts too. I wish I didn’t have to FUCKING feel that way.

Then, I had to go in to a new-ish job for a little while today and this fucking creeper named Robert fucking locked in and literally followed me around so much that they had to tell him (jokingly but seriously) to stop. Oh no. He did not. I don’t even know if it was a thing, thing or if he’s just like that. Or if it’s me?!? Am I too fucking friendly?? I can fucking promise you I didn’t give Richard (whatever) any kind of indication that eeeek no. He’s probably young enough to be my kid. If I had ugly ass annoying kids. You know the one person that drives everyone crazy. That’s him. You can avoid him all you want and then BAM there he is. Fuckin Richert.

Then, on top of all the clusterfuckery a girl I work with and I were talking the other day about going to hand out blankets since it’s so cold out. Yada yada yada. I’m only saying that to say that…I’ve never talked about my life before I got clean to these friends. I don’t ever talk about it. Not necessarily out of shame but just because it was 546 years ago so it doesn’t come up. Well, the blankets thing turned into a big thing and now it’s an EVEN BIGGER thing. I’m so fucking glad and I’m so beyond excited about it. We have started making plans to hopefully turn it into something bigger. The only thing is, none of the other people doing it have ever been on drugs and certainly not homeless and sometimes they say things that absolutely cut me to the core and I know they don’t know that but it’s just a reminder of how even people that want to help are so fucking clueless. I don’t even think anyone is on here or reads this but just know that I know that they have good hearts and I know they’re doing it for the right reasons but they don’t get it. They all teased me because I hugged so many of them and when I tried to explain that it’s because nobody else will even look them in the eyes, it never registered.

I asked at each camp if clean needles would help. Duh. Of course they all said yes. They wouldn’t talk to the other girls about any of it so I’m relaying all if it later and there were two girls that instantly said “no that’s not what we’re doing” okay …but I thought you were “doing the lords work” why the fuck bother to keep them warm when they’ll die if they don’t shoot up or spread more disease around when they do because they will. Hello. Idk but it makes it hard not to take it personal because they have no idea. One girl even tried going live or did and I almost flipped my shit. I explained how some have warrants or running from someone. Not to mention it’s the tackiest fucking thing you can do in my opinion. “Watch me help everyone” get the fuck out of here. And when I told her that she said “oh bullshit nobody’s gonna come get them” I know I sound like a total bitch and I am being bitchy it’s just that every time they say something shitty I take it personal because I’ve been there. Those are my people. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel all that shame again which is so dumb because it’s been so long that it doesn’t feel like it was my life. But it was and it could just as easily still be. I’m just lucky. I’m also about to fall asleep typing.

It’s crazy how we think we know people but we have no clue. Today when I went to my second job the girls all said that when I started they all thought I was going to be snobby and made references to where I live and that I gave off oil and gas money vibes. Which is crazy because the oil and gas money vibes thing is spot on (not for long lol) but I wonder what they’d think if they knew where I’ve been. I already know what they’d think. They would only see that part from there on out. The only people I’m open about that part of my life with are people that are where I’ve been. Because those people only see this part. That’s the beautiful thing about broken people.

Swear to God until the last two days I’ve been on cloud nine. I think I’m just overwhelmed and have way too much going on. Tomorrow none of this will probably matter. Maybe it’s my period? Fuuuck.

Maybe it’s just a lot of big changes and old trauma and I should give myself and my mind a break. Maybe I need to treat myself the way I treat the people I see myself in the most because those are my people.

[s0larb4by]

Dude, I hate life so much right now. I hate where I'm at, I hate where things are going and how things are going. I hate that I keep spending so much on food and stupid stuff not even on clothing, I hate that my bank balance is decreasing. I hate that I've lost so many people that I've always wanted to have in my life on a long term basis. I hate the people I have around me. I hate how I'm turning to be. I hate that I'm depressed and that I'm not taking care of my body at all and most of all, I hate that I'm in April 2022, I wanna go back to August 2021 or even Jan 2021 so fucking bad. I wanna go back in time to redo every single thing, man. I hate shit so much right now. I hate the nightmares I've been getting, I hate that most of my manifestations haven't been coming to fruition. I hate that I'm really fucking indecisive. I hate that I'm dumb and can't get myself to learn or become street smart whatsoever. I hate where I'm at in life and how I am so much rn.

I would be more than grateful if you could help me or guide me with restarting manifestation, revising almost every single thing and becoming successful with it all, learning to manipulate time in order to go back in time, getting a really good bank balance out of thin air, getting everything and anything that I want, please. I really need the help. Please help me out.

Hey :) sorry for taking a literal year to reply, lol.

For one, please consider therapy. Your mental health always comes first. If you haven’t talked to a therapist or some other mental health professional about this, please do. You don’t have to deal with this stuff on your own, and it’s not a failing on your part by any means. You’re not dumb, you’re just struggling at the moment and that isn’t your fault. You’re dealing with a lot and it’s okay to be overwhelmed but it’s not okay to bear the weight of all of it by yourself. In my personal experience, talking to a therapist has been really useful for me in understanding how my own thoughts and feelings work, and it has really helped me when it comes to processing and dealing with some of the more difficult or upsetting things that I have had to go through. I mention my own experience because you sound a lot like me. As someone with ADHD I’ve also spent most of my life feeling dumb, feeling like I’m lacking common sense (that street smart shit), feeling depressed and anxious for most of the same reasons you are, being impulsive as shit, etc. Idk if you’ve been diagnosed, but if not do consider. It helps to know that you’re not a useless being but just someone with a brain that works differently, and had to grow up without the resources to live in a world controlled by people who’s brains work opposite of yours. Getting help works. When you have a safe space to process all of these feelings and situations, and are given tools to handle them, it gives you a much clearer mind to then think about manifestations. I’m just saying. And the way I see things, you already have all of your desires, it’s just a matter of shifting to the state of seeing it all. Since you have all your stuff, is it not better to take care of yourself? There’s nobody more important than you.

Two, usually when I used to feel similar to this I would go back to the basics. Consider reading/listening to Neville and Edward Art or Joseph Murphy I think his name, something similar, and leave loa social media alone. It causes a lot of confusion and out of confusion comes disorder in the mine. Hence why I’m never here. (Sorry for replying so late again 😭💀) When I do this, I can usually think clearer and my mind feels more at ease, I feel more confident in what I’m doing and I can get into the states I want to better. I’ve also heard guided meditations and meditation in general are helpful as well, and although I’m by no means even an intermediate in that, I think you should try it out.

Give yourself grace, OP. You’re being mad hard on yourself. Instead, take time to take care of yourself. It’s not a race. Do it not because you want to “fix” yourself as soon as possible, but because you deserve love and care—especially from yourself. You’re not dumb, you’re not stupid, you’re not dirty, you’re not worthless. You’ve got this, okay? I believe in you. I hope I was able to help, even if it was only a little bit :’)

Sending you hugs 🫂

[chronocidalrage]

Dexter Holland’s Favorite Subject

SELF ESTEEM I think most of my bad days are just low self-esteem days. Days when I feel challenged beyond my limits. Days when I’m not getting the validation that could offset it, all that shit. Just believe in yourself more and relax, do what makes sense to you. Your opinion on yourself matters WAY more than anyone else’s!

UNCOMFORTABLE I’m super uncomfortable again today and I don’t know why. Nothing feels good. Nothing feels right.

I think I’m annoyed that I’m kinda dreading Christmas. I don’t want to feel alone again but I know that I will. I know I’ll feel let down by Mom and Scott. I know I’ll feel alone. I used to love Christmas so much. What the fuck. It’s not fair. But I can’t have it. It’s gone. Christmas as I knew and loved it is gone. Every year I should gift myself a good Christmas.

I'm also annoyed by how useless I feel at work. But I don’t care enough to make myself less useless. I have to really start learning. Figuring shit out. It’s fine to fuck up but then I should figure out HOW/WHY I fucked up. Don’t do it for the "man," do it for yourself, your anxiety, and eventual confidence.

I feel fat, but movies and junk food are all that really feel good to me. But I have to stop. I have to eat better and exercise and feel good. I’d be so much more comfortable going out there and doing things. Living my life.

I miss Atom. I think I’d like to see Atom. I’d feel better if I saw him. I could be the complete loser I am and feel totally loved. Not gonna happen though. Oh well lol.

I think I’d feel at least a little better if I were making cool shit. Start making shit then! Write. Draw some sketches for the comic idea.

I guess it’s pretty obvious what happened to me today: other people. I had days of avoidance and then I got crashed into other people right away: picking up Susie from the airport, going to work for hours for no good reason, being around Susie all day today (which is great but causes some of my dumb issues to rise because I obsess over her opinion of me).

I think I’m just uncomfortable because of other people. Their opinions of me. What they expect. How little I can expect from them (no one to see Die Hard 2 with this weekend even if I wanted to go, no word from Brendan or Ryan about seeing Violent Night over the previous weekend, expecting the least from my family, Susie seeming fine to the point that I feel so pathetic in comparison to her).

Yeah. This is an “other people” spiral. I think the cure for this stuff is focusing on myself, whatever that means.

Yeah this is the result of me getting a break from the expectations of (and having my own expectations of) other people. I had a nice break for days and then I had to go back to caring about what other people wanted and having to be disappointed by other people not coming through for me. I feel like this when I’m hyper focused on others and can’t see myself through the chaos. I have no real self esteem and my opinion of myself is based entirely on the opinion of others. Most of the foundation of my self esteem was based around the fact that the greatest guy on earth insisted that I was actually the greatest guy on earth. That took a serious hit in recent years. That’s one of the reasons I was so upset when Atom started falling apart. If he’s not perfect, then what does that do to my self esteem? If his judgment isn’t perfect, could he be wrong about me? I guess the secret is to trust myself to know when something is worth accepting or rejecting. I’m not good at that. I always want a co-signer.

I’m always trying to keep track of things. I need to think of EVERYTHING, every possible variable. And my need to do that can get overwhelming easily. Just let shit go? Just "be"?

It’s weird, I can almost feel the difference in my body when I just relax. When I stop caring so much, my body feels lighter.

TOUGH SHIT It’s really hard for me to not think of myself as having already peaked.

How does one enjoy working on something with people if they don’t seem to enjoy it as much? How am I supposed to feel from a normal healthy confident human standard?

What would normal self esteem look like? How does one just believe in themselves?

I sang in front of my singing teacher tonight. It was the first time I comfortably(ish) sang a song in front of another human being in probably 12 or more years. I did okay. My read was that she was being too nice. But she may have actually been proud of me for getting more comfortable in comparison to when I started taking lessons.

It’s weird but I really do look at everything like Susie is above me. That’s how I interpret everything she says and does. As if everything she says and does is the result of her knowing that I'm beneath her. If you imagine two equals running into these minor frustrations, they seem a lot less painful.

But that’s the thing, in the time we’ve been together my opinion of myself has gotten worse and worse and my opinion of her has gotten better and better.

REMEMBER SHE DOESN’T LOOK DOWN ON YOU. SHE WOULDN’T BE HERE IF SHE DID.

The problem is that I love and idolize perfection. My heroes were always perfect. Fictional people. People I could never know in real life and therefore could always remain perfect in my mind. I see good as “perfect and inhuman and always in control.”

Why do I like Batman? He’s perfect. Minus his trauma, he is perfect. His trauma allows me to relate to him on an emotional level but otherwise envy his complete lack of flaws. I saw Atom as perfect. Perfect was good, and I was far from perfect so therefore I was not good.

I think that’s why the night is hard for me. I’m alone with my imperfection. It’s so loud at night and I want it drowned out. I think that for me, love is being treated like I’m perfect. Being made to feel perfect. Because that’s how Atom made me feel. Everything I did or said was good. I felt perfect and since I love perfection, that made me feel loved.