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mysticsparklewings · 27 days ago

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Terror in Six Words

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He didn't know

she'd been bitten.

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Hey, this isn’t an Obscutober piece! 😦

No, but you’re getting 2 art things from me today because there were some community events on DeviantArt I wanted to partake in, & as it happens a “scary” 6-word story in poetry magnets felt like a good way to do that. 😉

Same as the Obscutober pieces, if you’re curious to hear more about my process for how this all came together—and I promise it was much more involved than you’d think!—Click the "Keep Reading" and we'll talk a bit more about my general thoughts/process. ✨

⭐️ Like My Art and Want to see more of it? Here's All My Links! ⭐️

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So, again: Hmm. This doesn't look like an Obscutober piece, and yet...it looks kind of familiar, doesn't it? 😉 We all probably should've known that I'd break out the mini-magnets at least once this month, sooner or later. 🤭

This was actually supposed to be kind of a 2-in-1 piece, but this has been such a busy month and busy week in particular that I got my days mixed up and thought I had more time than I actually did...So it's no longer a 2-in-1, but it wasn't totally a waste, either.

DeviantArt, in typical fashion, is holding a Badge Event this month, and loyal Sparklers will know if it's a badge I like I have a hard time turning those down—We went through something similar last year! And on top of that, @CRLiterature was also holding a Tiny Tales of Terror Challenge...which ran through the 24th, and you'll notice today's date is the 26th. 😅

And to be clear: I'm mentioning the Tiny Tales Challenge not because I expect any kind of exception or what-have-you to be made for me, but just to be transparent about my motivations. It's my fault for missing the deadline and I accept that. The only reason I'm going ahead and posting it now, so soon after the missed deadline, instead of holding off until Halloween is because I am hoping to maybe squeeze in something else just for Halloween, and I've got a bunch of other things to try and scramble to get done on my to-do list before then; If I don't post it today, it may very well not get posted at all. 🫠

[Plot twist: I was thisclose to posting this yesterday, even, but yesterday was a particularly chaotic day so it just wasn't possible—yet more evidence that if I'm not careful and quick about it this artwork may be doomed to live behind the scenes forever.]

It would also be kind of disingenuous to discuss what I made without mentioning that challenge as that's where I got the entire idea to make this specifically a six-word-story from.

DeviantArt's Badge Event, for those who don't know, is encouraging people to make something inspired by some short stories they commissioned. So there was my starting point, and I had been considering breaking out the poetry magnets for a Halloween-ish one-off piece anyway, since I have really been missing them this month while I handle Inktober/Obscutober in a magnet-less way for the first time in years.

While I had those two thoughts at the back of my mind, the Tiny Tales Challenge came up, which asked people to write a scary story in six words or less. And since I'm personally most familiar with six-word-stories from magnetic poetry, it all just kinda came together as a perfect storm in my mind: A six-word story, told in magnets, inspired by one of the stories for the badge event. 💡

Now, that said, if you've read the four short stories for the badge event, you might be scratching your head and trying to figure out what my six words here have to do with any of them. I won't deny for a moment that any connection to the story I picked really isn't obvious, but all I can tell you Sparklers is that my brain is a strange place and you never know what off-the-wall connections are going to be made in there. 🤪

Of the four stories, the one that stuck with me the most was Survivor's Guilt. It has a kind of somber, Twilight-Zone-esque quality to it, and that's more what I personally favor in "horror" story over the typical heart-racing-scream-your-head off variety. [As I've probably talked about a bit before but I don't remember where.]

Somehow, I left that story with one of my favorite My Chemical Romance songs in my head—Early Sunsets Over Monroeville, which itself was inspired by Dawn of the Dead. And I was also reminded just a little of Carmilla, a vampire tale that actually predates Bram Stoker's Dracula.

As I said, my brain is a strange place that makes strange connections. 🥴 My best guess is that my subconscious really hitched onto the ending revelation of Survivor's Guilt, which I won't spoil for you here if you haven't read it. (You should though, it's good!)

Suffice to say: Something about how we don't know what we don't know and we want to understand, but sometimes gaining that understanding is it's own special kind of horror.

But just having those inspirations and making those strange connections alone wasn't enough, of course. I still had to string some actual words together, not just feelings. 😆 So I broke out my notebook for mini-magnet brainstorming and started scribbling.

Well, okay, first I had to search up and read some existing six-word-stories from across the internet because it's been so long since I last tried to write one that I was having trouble getting in what felt like the right headspace to work with so few words. Then I got scribbling.

In said scribbling, I was reminded very much of a few years ago—ironically, the first time I followed an Obscutober list—when I made another one-off mini-magnet piece that was also meant to be a scary story in few words. Granted, that was 50 words or less, so still a very different experience.

That is to say though: I was reminded that "scary" writing is not my strong suit. 😅 I just can't even seem to quite grasp the "punch" to properly shift the words from ominous into actually spooky territory. And that was not made any easier by having to work in so few words.

My main take away from my efforts in the notebook is that it's not actually that hard to come up with six word (or less!) sentences that sound spooky...if you think of them within a scary context. For example, "They ignored the warnings," can be scary if you're thinking of it as people ignoring warnings that will inevitably lead to something dangerous/harmful happening. But it can just as easily be not very scary at all if this "they" is just ignoring warnings of "Oh don't touch that, the paint's still wet and you'll get paint on your hands."

Context is also very important in the words being anything close to a story, and not just...well, just words, if that makes any sense. "There was a body," is a sentence, yes, and it could definitely lean scary if you picture "body" as a non-living person. But it's still a relatively "flat" statement of fact.

I think that's a large part of why I kept thinking of Early Sunsets, and kind of songs in general as I was trying to figure out where to go with my ideas and feelings. Good song lyrics can squeeze a whole lot of story and metaphor into just a few words, and I feel that's especially true with My Chemical Romance. [One of many reasons why they're my favorite.

"They're building a coffin your size," is what I would consider a pretty much perfect scary six-word-story, straight from their song Mama, to give you a better idea of where I'm coming from. And if this could have just been a recycled song quote, I totally would've used that—but this was not the time nor place. 😆

To be fair, despite everything I just described about my thought process, in the end I'm not sure I totally succeeded in getting everything I wanted out of my six words, but of the options I wrote down (that were actually my words to use), this was the one I kept coming back to.

It puts vampires in my head first and foremost—Most certainly because that's my favorite "traditional" monster archetype, and if you know me at all that comes as no surprise at all, I'm sure. But there are plenty of other instances where the answer to the unwritten question of "Bitten by what?" Would be rightly terrifying: Zombie (as more directly related to Early Sunsets), Werewolf, even non-Halloween-ish things like a rabid animal or disease-carrying mosquito.

...Okay the rabid animal could still be Halloween-ish if it was a rabid bat or something, but you get the idea.

Yet there are still ways to put a more metaphorical spin on it; That this "she" could've been "bitten by a bug" as in something that changed her way of thinking or motivations in life and made her into a scarier person than she was before, or something like that.

So perfect, no, but it was the closest to striking the right balance of all the different things I wanted that I was able to come up with.

Which leaves us with the visual component. The magnets are what they always are, but what is this background?

Well, if you remember when I mentioned I've done this short-story-in-few-words kind of thing before, there's actually a touch more irony there. Last time, I used a photo is from a "Tezza College Kit" that I actually won from a past DeviantArt contest as my base and made some additions and modifications to better fit the mood I was going for. Since I knew full-well I wouldn't have time to come up with something from scratch for this, that was the first other option that came to mind.

So I sifted through those photos for something that felt like either a good fit or at least a good place to start.

And I must disclose that at that point, I was actually still strongly considering one other assortment of six words—I was thinking of "cheating the system" and submitting two separate six-word-stories that kind of went together. I ultimately decided not to because the more I thought of the two together, the weaker the other one felt compared to this one.

But I mention that because my initial photo pulls from the kit were pretty different because I was hoping to get two photos that seemed to go together and still felt right thematically. As much as I love the base photo I picked here—so much so I strongly considered it at the time for that 50 word story I keep referring to—It wouldn't have worked for the two-story idea really at all because I just didn't have another photo that would pair well with it for what I wanted.

That said, the photo was a little plain—pure black and white—on it's own, so I ended up fiddling with the colors a bit and bringing up the reds for some more drama.

I will note though that dramatic red wasn't actually my first choice. I had planned to just use the fact that photographing black and white things without a filter is challenging to my advantage, but the photo that was the best of the ones I took in other ways didn't have much color alteration going on. Originally, I was just going to add a little warmth/hints of sepia like happened naturally in one of the other photos I took, but since I had Photoshop open anyway I decided to play just a little, and the red came about as a result of that playtime.

I very nearly actually went with an all-over red tone (except for the white space in the middle), but thought the look was ultimately too dark. I did the spot red after thinking things over and deciding I really didn't want to artificially brighten the image up and mess with the black contrast if I could help it.

Whew. 😮‍💨 ...Leave it to me to make six little words so complicated and particular, right? 😆

I think I ended up trying to make up for "lost time" in not doing more with magnetic poetry this year, even though they're only a very small part of the process. My subconscious thoroughly missed the memo that that wasn't necessary. 😅

Still, frustration at myself for getting the timeline jumbled up aside, I had fun. 🙂 The length of this description might speak more loudly to that than anything else. 🤣

Speaking of, I hate to end this kind of abruptly, but I think I have finally covered everything I wanted to about the art at hand and I still have to cross-post this and do the Obscutober piece for today, too. So if you Sparklers don't mind, I'll leave you to ponder these words, encourage you again to go check out Survivor's Guilt—and the other 3 Terror Tales, too!—and be on my way.

Don't you Sparklers get unknowingly bitten by anything in the meantime, alright? 😉

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Inspired by FridgePoetProject

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⭐️ Like My Art and Want to see more of it? Here's All My Links! ⭐️

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growing-home · 9 months ago

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i spent nearly two decades of my life severely depressed and suicidal and for so long i believed wholeheartedly that it was my fault. i believed that the reason no medication or therapy had ever worked for my depression was because i wasn’t ACTUALLY depressed— i believed i was just lazy, bad, manipulative, and just using depression as an excuse for the inherent badness i thought was inside me. this was a story that was told to me and reinforced over and over again by treatment providers.

this past summer, i tried my 30th+ psychiatric medication, not expecting to see any results. the day i realized it was working was the day i realized that i was…planning my future???suddenly i no longer wanted to stay in bed all day and never go outside. i no longer wanted to isolate. i wanted to see people, talk to people! i started spending more time with friends and facetiming people and talking on the phone, things that i rarely did in the past. when i had been depressed, the only movies/tv shows i could focus on were super intense, fast paced, and scary or disturbing because that was the only way to hold my attention. after starting this medication, i started enjoying SITCOMS! i no longer felt like i was fighting to just get through every single day of my life.

there was such a clear and measurable difference in the quality of my life that i started to question why i believed that my depression had been my fault. it became very clear to me that a large part of my depression had been biological. i had not been lazy or bad. i had been sick. my brain was sick the same way other organs get sick sometimes. this brought up a lot of grief for me— grief for all the lost time that i’d spent trying to find something that worked, grief for how much pain i had been in for so long. but it also brought up sheer FURY at all of the therapists and psychiatrists who had treated me like i just wasn’t trying hard enough to get better.

i had been labeled treatment resistant, of course, and the only recommendations i had received after being given that label were TMS, Ketamine, and ECT. once i had tried all three with no success, i believed i was just a lost cause. i thought i was out of options. i was made to feel that way by so many treatment professionals. i was told that nothing was working because of my complex trauma and that once i healed from that then i would stop being depressed (as if it’s that easy to just fully recover from CPTSD!) i was told that i just needed to do more DBT, i just needed to live and breathe DBT skills and then i would get better, even though i’d done intensive DBT programs for years with no improvement to my depression. (yes, it helped me to change my behavior and quit self harm, but behavior change isn’t necessarily indicative of a change in mood. i could do all the right things all the time and still be in excruciating mental pain.)

i was told that i just wasn’t trying hard enough, or that i must have a personality disorder, or that i just needed to exercise more, or eat less, or eat MORE, or eat differently, or get a job, or get a dog, or do yoga, or acupuncture, or biofeedback, or find purpose in my life— psychiatrist after psychiatrist looked for something to blame everywhere but in the mirror. instead of admitting that they weren’t equipped to help me, they made me believe that it was MY fault i wasn’t getting better. and i believed them. for SO long, i believed them.

and now after finding a medication that works for me, i see everything so much more clearly. psychiatrists need to put their enormous egos aside and actually treat patients with treatment resistant depression instead of blaming us for suffering from a (partially at least) biological illness. if you’re a doctor and you know that a patients illness is outside of the scope of your abilities, either do more research and get more training to help them or refer them to someone who specializes in what they need. don’t keep them around letting them pay you thousands of dollars while you make them try the same thing over and over and over again and expect to get a different result. people act like things like ECT are a last resort option, and in doing so make people believe that if it doesn’t help then you’re out of options. but nobody ever tried me on tricyclics. nobody tried me on MAOIs. nobody told me about how some dopamine agonists like Pramipexole have had some success in treating treatment resident depression. instead i was made to feel like asking to not be suicidal daily was asking for too much. if you’re a clinician who thinks that’s asking for too much, you’re in the wrong profession. we can do better than that. we NEED to do better than that.

in my experience, out of every profession, doctors have some of the biggest egos i’ve ever seen. i say this as someone who is both mentally ill as well as physically disabled. many doctors HATE it when you do your own research. they HATE it when you have suggestions, or when you ask for what you need. it’s almost as if they feel threatened by it, like they need to believe that they are superior to their patients because of how much time and money and energy they put into going to med school— they need to believe they hate their hard work was worth it so they have a tendency to dismiss any ideas their patients might have. i don’t care how many years you’ve been in school. you do not get to tell your sick patients that it’s their fault they’re sick to justify your laziness and refusal to learn new things. put away your god complex and actually listen to your patients.

and the strangest part to me is that the longer you have been suicidal for, the less seriously they take it. the same way that the more chronically ill you are the less people believe you. it’s bizarre— when people see pain that is beyond what they can fathom, instead of feeling empathy, they tell you you must be faking it or that you must be looking for attention. i’ll never understand this. it’s as if they think that suicidality doesn’t need to be taken seriously unless the patient has successfully completed suicide. and i think it’s very clear how that logic is flawed. i was treated like i just wanted attention whenever i asked for help with my chronic suicidality and it made me terrified to ask for help with ANYTHING. i still constantly am afraid that if i’m too honest with clinicians then they’ll think i just want attention. attention isn’t a bad thing to want, all human beings need some degree of attention, but regardless that doesn’t negate the severity of a person’s suicidality. i wasn’t attention seeking by asking for help. i was STRONG. i was really fucking strong, far stronger than i should’ve had to be. i fought for my life every single day and i am lucky to still be here but it’s not luck that got me here. it’s ME that got me here.

i don’t want to make it sound like i speak for everyone who has suffered from TRD, because i don’t think that would be fair. i can’t tell you if there’s a med out there that’ll work for you. all i can tell you is that most psychiatrists prematurely tell chronically suicidal patients that there is nothing they can do to help them or that they’re out of medication options. if you’re a psychiatrist or doctor and you feel yourself getting defensive while reading this, i invite you to get curious about where that activation is coming from.

and if you are someone with treatment resident depression or chronic suicidality reading this, i am telling you now: your illness is not your fault. i don’t know if it’s going to get better or not, but i can promise you— it is not your fault and it never has been.

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