#woo I love polyamorous representation!! :D

[10itemsorwes]

No one is gonna see this BUT

I wanna talk about my OCs. Just OCs, not fandom specific. My own world, my own characters, ye. And what better place to do it than Tumblr!!

Ok so. This is absolutely going to have inaccurate assumptions about Christianity (bc I haven't been Christian since I was like 12-) and also my own idea of Angels and Demons and God. Especially God.

So this is like. A really fast entire telling of my OCs Judas Rosé, Terrisian (Tarrish) and Fermisiel (Fern). Let's go!

So, let's talk about Judas.

Judas is the only human. He has undiagnosed Autism and his special interest is the bible. He grew up in a really really small town in Kansas called Amadan (not a real place-) which is a Christian-centric town. He doesn't know it, but when God first started humanity, she decided that humans were interesting and wanted to talk to people without their eyes burning out of their faces and their heads exploding, so she made a few humans with the ability to hear/talk to her without death. She planned out every human since the first one and called them high priests (so creative, I know). Unfortunately, a few thousand years later, she decided she wanted to be left alone for a while, so she took her top angels and disappeared into her own little pocket dimension where she could watch from afar and stopped talking to humans. And she forgot to undo the fact that every high priest gets assigned a guardian angel at 20-30. More on that later.

Judas studied to become a priest and applied to Amadan Baptist Church. He, of course, got the job. He had been volunteering there since he was 14 and attending since he was born, basically. Unfortunately, because he was 25 and every other priest or reverend was mid 60s to 80s, they didn't really take him seriously. They gave him the title of priest, but he was basically a glorified altar boy. He didn't mind, though. When he was about 32, he was being treated the same way. One day, while he was doing his usual job, someone he didn't recognize asked to speak with him privately. Judas walked with them to his a back hall and they revealed themself as an Angel. Fermisiel, a guardian angel.

Let's talk about Fermisiel.

(This is a bad photo but it works)

Fern has always been a little awkward. He was supposed to be a guardian angel, but he wasn't a very good one. His first assignment, he only lasted a week. Why? Well, because he killed the one he was supposed to protect. Woopsies. When he got back to heaven afterwards, the Powers (higher ranked angels who took control after God disappeared) lined up a very harsh punishment. To take out his eyes on his vessel. Not super bad, he could still see. But now he has zero depth perception and grace (basically his lifeforce. Yes I stole that from supernatural) just constantly fell down his face like he was crying. He wasn't given another assignment after that until Judas, who wasn't that important anymore but still required a guardian angel. Judas freaked the fuck out and was in heavy denial for a moment. He was fine after the first few days. But on the first day of Fern being just... in his house, he decided he hated that Fern was trying to watch him sleep, so he told him to wait on the couch or go on a walk or something. And Fern decided to go on a walk. It had been a while since he had seen the earth, after all. On his walk, though, he ran into a demon. An Incubus.

Let's talk about Terrisian.

(Ignore that I can't draw hands)

Terrisian is an incubus. He was sent to Amadan to sleep around, fill a quota, the works! When he ran into Fern, he didn't realize he was an angel at first because Fern was in a more human looking form. He tried to flirt and stuff, but Fern was like "um absolutely fucking not" and threatened his life and fully almost killed him.

Until he realized that Tarrish was just. Not scared. At all.

In fact, Tarrish was flirting with him even more. Fern, being confused, just kind of paused and questioned him. Tarrish had a conversation with him about it. They ended up talking until the morning. And Tarrish promised to find and talk to him again.

Fern made a friend.

Let's talk about sexuality.

Judas was heavily in denial that he was Bisexual. He didn't have anything against the LGBTQ, he was just. Not about that for himself.

Tarrish was pansexual. Emphasis on the sexual. He had a body count that included James Madison and George Bush. And he was very proud. Very.

Fern had never had romantic or sexual feelings. That wasn't part of his job, he didn't care.

When Tarrish met Fern, he wanted to have sex with him. He was very up front about it. That's what he wanted. After all, what demon had ever slept with an angel before? So he was willing to play the long game. Get the angel nice and comfy and slowly coax him into having sex. Easy enough! In the meantime, he had other people to fuck, too.

Why not start at the local church?

He found interest in Judas pretty quickly. So Tarrish approached him after church one day and managed to convince Judas to let him suck him off. Easy enough!

Unfortunately, Fern found out.

Fern was, of course, pissed the fuck off. So he berated Tarrish and told him to never do it again. Tarrish saw an opportunity and, in the midst of Fern's anger, talked him out of his clothes and they... did a lot more than talking.

Fern got back to Judas' house late that morning, avoiding eye contact.

And, of course, Tarrish did not stop visiting Judas at work. Or having midnight "discussions" with Fern.

And then, at some point, Fern asked Tarrish why he kept coming back to him. After the first time, he just assumed he would disappear and not care about Fern anymore.

Tarrish realized, in fact, that he felt a lot closer to Fern than others he had slept with. All those late night conversations, the sneaking around, the stupid jokes. Oh, god, they added up. Tarrish realized he kept coming back because he loved Fern. And when he said it, Fern said it back.

Tarrish stopped visiting Judas at work. Instead, he started showing up to his house. Like, out of nowhere. He'd just pop up, chatting or heavily making out with Fern. So Judas asked what the fuck that was about. They told him they loved eachother and bla bla bla. Judas didn't really mind, but he asked if they knew that love was more than just... sex. Because they were having a lot of sex.

Let's talk about romance.

Tarrish didn't, in fact, know that. Fern did, but he couldn't name any more detail than that. Judas decided to help them out. He didn't mind. He helped them introduce love language, healthy discussion, and much more into their relationship. Tarrish didn't get it much, but he liked the fun little activities. Fern thought it was nice to do something more personal than sex now.

Judas watched them grow and love each other more and more.

And he was slowly more and more aware of how single he himself was.

He watched Tarrish snuggle up to Fern and playfully insult him. He watched Fern kiss Tarrish's cheek and tell him to shut his mouth. He watched Fern bring Tarrish bird feathers as gifts. He watched Tarrish bring Fern cool pebbles.

I made that, he would think to himself. And he felt so good about it, that he was able to help their relationship progress. And he felt bad that he wasn't apart of it. He hated that he felt like it, but he did. And he felt awful. Awful, awful, awful.

Tarrish and Fern, meanwhile, had talked a bit a few months into the relationship. They talked about how nice Judas was to help them. They talked about how much they loved his advice and help.

They talked about how they loved him.

They realized that's what they were talking about.

Oh.

Interesting.

The next day, Fern asked Judas why he was so willing to help them with that. Judas said he didn't want to say. It was embarrassing, it was stupid, every excuse in the book. Fern pried it out of him. Judas said he didn't realize it at first, but he liked Fern. He made him feel safe and warm. Then when he saw Terrisian again, when he watched him become capable of connection more emotional than sex, he started liking him, too.

Let's talk about God.

God doesn't have a plan. She has entertainment. She doesn't intervene unless she wants to make it more interesting. At this point, Fern was supposed to get upset. Act like he was alright, but go and accidentally exaggerate to Tarrish that Judas was trying to break them up because he liked both of them. Tarrish was supposed to get upset at this and kill Judas for it. Fern, then, was supposed to do his job and kill Tarrish for killing Judas.

This didn't happen.

That's when God took notice and started paying closer attention.

Fern, instead, went to Tarrish and told him how it was. He said Judas was feeling bad because he liked the both of them. Tarrish thought about it and they decided together to bring Judas into the relationship. To make a polycule together. They loved eachother, all three of them. Why not just welcome Judas in, too? They did love him, after all.

Let's talk about miscommunication.

Tarrish and Fern decided to form a polycule between the three of them. Judas noticed Fern and Tarrish suddenly talking to him a lot more. Fern started leaving feathers on his bedside table. Tarrish started to offer to sleep with him again.

Fern and Tarrish didn't tell Judas they were both dating him now.

Judas was very confused at the sudden affection.

Judas let it go on for about a week, very confused but not questioning it. He assumed it was a very abstract thank you. Whatever, he could tell them to stop later.

It wasn't until Judas woke up between Fern and Tarrish snuggling him that he questioned it. He asked them later that day, very confused. They were just as confused. They asked him why they couldn't show him affection? They showed each other affection. That's how you treat someone you love.

Judas was very confused.

"Let's talk about this." Judas offered, leading them both to his living room. They all sat together, just a moment of silence.

"Why are you both being so... different? You're acting as if you're both suddenly dating me, too."

"Well, we are dating." Tarrish piped up, grinning at him. Fern nodded in agreement.

"What? Since when?" Judas asked, straightening up a bit.

"Last monday. About 11:48 pm." Fern responded calmly, tilting his head. "Why are you confused?"

"Wha- you didn't tell me! Also, who says I would agree to be in a relationship with both of you?!" Judas asks, looking between them. Tarrish's tail flicked impatiently.

"Why wouldn't you? You love both of us, don't you? That's what you told Fern." Tarrish points out. Judas turns red and averts his eyss.

"Well, I didn't know he would tell you." Judas murmurs, squirming uncomfortably in his seat.

"Judas, I'm sorry we didn't tell you. We forgot to. If you really aren't comfortable with it, we completely understand." Fern states, leaning forward slightly. Judas shakes his head.

"I don't know how that would work. What, we change who's in the relationship every week? Besides, I don't know how my church would react to that..."

"What? That makes no sense. Haven't you heard of polyamory? We don't need to switch out. And you don't have to tell people," Tarrish grins, crossing his legs, "if Fern told heaven? He would be cast out forever or be killed. If I told hell? I'd get my ass kicked for having emotional attachments. We can keep a secret if you want us to."

There was a silence after that.

After a bit more discussion, they came to an agreement and an understanding. They started slow again, but they made it official. This was their relationship. They were going to make it work, all three of them.

They were going to make it work.

...

God wasn't very happy about that, though.

(To be continued!! Yayy!!!)

[alirhi]

Loki ranting

Okay. I had this thought in my head of like just compiling links of all the Loki shit I've posted/reblogged so far so that when I get into a conversation about the show and how it fucking disgusted me, I can just be like "here. here's this masterlist post, go read all this shit. This is my entire argument, and not only mine, but a lot of stuff posted by people far more intelligent and level-headed and eloquent than I am, whom I happen to agree with." Because the alternative is constantly getting fired up all over again, and that is exhausting.

BUT! I'm stupid and don't know how tumblr works. Apparently I can't just be like "give me all the Loki-tagged shit I've got" I can only search all the Loki-tagged shit on all of tumblr. And I'm not scrolling back through all of my posts. I talk too fucking much for that shit 😂

So, I'll try to remember all of my grievances with how the MCU has treated Loki, and all of the excellent posts made by other, equally upset fans, and put it all together here under this nice, neat little cut for everyone else's sanity and scrolling convenience...

For people who actually read my shit fairly regularly - bless you, you crazy, patient people. I love you! - this is going to be a lot of repetition of shit you've already read. Probably at least twice. I'm passionate and I have a terrible memory lol. Sorry.

Anyway, first, for those who don't know me and haven't been following my explosions of rage for the past couple of months, some quick background: I do not read comic books, so Loki's Marvel comic canon means nothing to me. I know almost nothing about it. The reason I'm so in love with the character in the MCU is because I am an eclectic witch and the deity I've actively loved and worshiped the longest in my life (literally for as long as I can remember) is Loki. So when he was mentioned in The Mask, I squeed. When they named Matt Damon's character after him in Dogma, I cheered.

When Thor came out in 2011, I just about died from happiness. I was hungry for any representation of this underappreciated god, no matter what it was. I didn't even bitch about how underpowered he was, because at least he was there. But I'm getting slightly ahead of myself.

I can hear anyone reading this going "Why Loki? Isn't he, like, evil? Like basically the Norse version of The Devil?" Because I heard all this shit irl all the fucking time. And no. So let me give you a quick rundown of who Loki actually is.

Loki is a Trickster God. He's often referred to as the God of Mischief. He is not and never was evil, simply chaotic and hedonistic. Loki Laufeyjarson was the son of Laufey (that's mama; they changed her to a man for some reason in the movie) and Fárbauti. Right from the start, from his name, we get a sign of how Loki goes against traditional norms of the time, because in Norse culture, families were patrilineal, and surnames were "son/daughter of father" (which would have made him Loki Fárbautitason), not the mother. But Loki's surname is matrilineal. Feminist icon woo! lol

Though he's a Jotunn, Loki is counted among the Gods (Aesir) in Norse tradition. Depending on his mood, he is alternately helpful or disruptive to the other Gods. I'm not gonna sit and teach a whole text class on him lol but I'll use my favorite example of Misunderstood Loki - the conception of Sleipnir!

So, get this shit. This is also part of why I DO NOT follow Odin and never fucking will (a very small part, but still part of the reason). So, the other Norse Gods are petty motherfuckers, and they wanted some shit built but didn't want to pay the dude doing the building. So they were like "okay, if you can get it done in X amount of time, we'll pay you, but if you can't manage it NO MATTER WHAT, this whole thing is free." And they made sure he had NO help, nothing but him, his materials, and his Very Good Horsey. And this guy and his horse were fucking BAMFs. So it was looking like he was definitely gonna get it done in time, and Odin was like "nah, fuck that shit. I'm cheap." and so he sent Loki to distract the work horse. Loki transformed into a mare and lured the horse away, got fucked, got pregnant, gave birth to the 8-legged (for some reason) horse Sleipnir. Odin rides Loki's son into battle. Um. Kay.

So Loki helped Odin be a petty mf, and Odin got himself a new pet out of the deal.

Oh, also, because he's smart af and a shapeshifter and a master magician and genderfluid, Loki "fails" to fit the super fucking toxic and narrow Norse/Aesir view of "a real man". He prefers intelligence and manipulation to solve problems rather than violence, he's not afraid to behave like a clown if it gets shit done, and that grosses the Aesir out, so they constantly ridicule him for being "less than a man".

Loki is the God of the outcast and the misunderstood. The marginalized people from all walks of life. He is the God of the LGBT community. In modern terms, he's pansexual, polyamorous (married to Sigyn and they are deeply in love, but boy gets around and I've never seen any indication that Sigyn gives a shit) and genderfluid.

Okay. Focus, Ali. This is part of why I usually post multiple rants instead of one big long one XD The longer I ramble, the more I get sidetracked and forget the original point.

So. Loki's awesome, and being a Trickster, is powerful as all fucking hell. There's not much he can't do.

And now we come to Thor (the movie, not the deity). Loki's there! 24-year-old Ali is spazzing! All is right with the world!

Oh lord, they've actually done him justice?! Amazing! He's complex and nuanced and emotional, just like the real Loki! I loved this movie. Loved. It. The climactic thing with trying to blow up Jotunheim never really made much sense to me until someone made an excellent point the other day about Loki being raised in a racist society that was racist against his own race, he just didn't know it yet, poor child. Baby Thor was never corrected when he pledged to commit mass genocide, so Baby Loki probably absorbed the lesson then that Jotunns=evil and killing them all will win his father's love. Anyway, 2011 Loki was a beautiful, heartbreaking portrayal of the God I've loved all my life and spent 24 years longing to see depicted on the big screen.

Then The Avengers happened. And I saw another Loki very close to Norse mythology - mainly, how he's treated. In the beginning of the movie, he's sick, exhausted, and in pain. He can hardly stand, he stumbles and needs help when he walks. He was very obviously tortured, and the sickly blue light of the scepter's control is in his eyes. That gets less and less pronounced as the movie goes on, showing Loki working his way free of it, but in the beginning, he's a mess. Because he was tortured and used by Thanos. Marvel directly confirmed this, and that he was under the scepter's/Mind Stone's control. Loki's actions are not his own in The Avengers. He's under both threat and Thanos' direct control. The movie actually shows The Other directly threatening him to keep him on task, because this is not Loki's plan. It is not what he wants. He's being used and villainized... Just like in real life. It hurt to see this done to him, but the accuracy was too beautiful to ignore.

Thor: The Dark World comes out. I've heard people complain that this movie is the weak link in the Thor trilogy. I disagree. I think that's Ragnarok, for a bunch of reasons, but we'll get there. (And for the record, I loved Ragnarok, too. It was a funny movie. Infinity War and the Disney+ series are the only portrayals of Loki in the MCU that I truly fucking hated.) Anyway, good, fun movie. Had its faults, as all movies do, but it still followed Loki's real-life arc in a way. How? By having Loki dragged back to Asgard in chains and imprisoned underground. Again, not super happy that this happened to my love, and having to see it on screen was painful, but at least in the MCU he's not chained to a rock with venom dripping on his face for eternity, so there's that. (poor Sigyn. how tired do her arms get, holding up that bowl? best wife ever, amirite?)

In TDW, we're shown Loki's love for Frigga, who favored him and taught him magic as a child. We see his bravado; his attempts to mask his true feelings, especially grief. We see him slowly coming back to himself after the events of The Avengers, and slowly mending his relationship with his brother. He accepts that Odin will likely never love him, but Thor just might, because they were close when they were young. "I didn't do it for him." No, no my sweet, you did it for your brother, and a little out of guilt for what happened to your mother.

At the end, Loki fakes his death and escapes, taking the throne, and I have mixed feelings about this. Not the writer's choices here; I love that completely! A natural progression in Loki's story. But my joy is tainted by how closely they're following the Eddas now. Because Loki's escape from his prison heralds the beginning of Ragnarok. And Loki will die in Ragnarok. I don't want to see that play out in front of my face. I won't be able to handle the grief (spoiler alert! IW broke me. I almost walked out of the theater. Loki's death was legitimately fucking traumatic for me. I don't even care how pathetic that is. That grief was real, it was intense, and I still shake and cry when I think about it.)

Marvel announces that Thor 3 will be called Ragnarok. The internet treats this as a shocking revelation. I roll my eyes and mumble "duh" to myself and move on XD

Then they say Ragnarok will be a buddy comedy. I throw up a little in my mouth and no longer want to live on this planet. If they're going to make something called Ragnarok, could they at least treat it with even a fraction of the respect they've shown these characters thusfar? Jfc. I mean, I'll see it anyway, because I'm a whore for Tom Hiddleston lol. But come on, people!

I hated that they made Hel the long-lost older sister and Fenrir her fucking pet/attack dog. Those are my favorites of Loki's children! Hel is such an incredible badass that the early Christians named their dimension of eternal torture after her! They were terrified of her, to the point of naming the place that terrified them most after her. That's awesome! And Fenrir's just the best. I love wolves. Those two details, and Odin's retcon of "we're not Gods! ...lol, except your sister. she's totally a Goddess. and def gonna kill literally everything, so... good luck! byyyeeeee" pissed me off royally.

The rest was great. I genuinely liked this movie. Still do. And they finally used The Immigrant Song! That was pretty cool. If they'd thrown in Bring the Hammer Down and Thunderstruck, I might've called this movie perfect. XD

I wasn't totally in love with their portrayal of Loki in Ragnarok. Yes, the falling for 30 minutes line was funny, as was "I have to get off this planet" and "YES! That's how it feels!" And "Get Help" was funny as hell. But also, like... There is no way Loki would have been the dumb one in that first encounter with Hela. Also, he can teleport and project copies of himself and shit, so... He would not have been that desperate to go straight back to Asgard and bring her right along with them. Loki's not stupid. But whatever. Movie's gotta movie.

What I did love was seeing the slow mending of his relationship with Thor continuing, and the badass fighting on the bridge. I also loved that, like Real Loki, Movie Loki helped when help was needed, was quick and clever, and while he was carrying out the main plan, he was also planning ahead and grabbing the Tesseract. Yes, that drew Thanos right to them, but that's a whole other thing. Loki never would have left that thing on Asgard to be destroyed or lost.

And now Infinity War. Hooooly fucking shit. You know what? No. I'm not going into this. He was killed, years of character growth were erased forever, my heart fucking shattered. The end.

Endgame. IW hurt me so bad I didn't see Endgame until this year. I actually watched Civil War first (for context: I had actively avoided all Cap movies until this year because I fucking hate Steve Rogers. I find him insufferable. Did not realize what I was denying myself until I watched CW and finally saw the charms of Bucky. When he appeared in IW, I was so lost. XD I was like "...who dis? Murder Jesus?" also I just... didn't care. I was numb by then from crying through most of the movie over Loki)

So, anyway. Endgame. Loki picks up the Tesseract in alternate 2012, escapes, fans go "yay! he didn't actually die!" I go "yes he fucking did. Five years of his life, gone. Five years of growth and change, erased. Loki is dead. This will not be the same."

I was more right than I could have predicted. Now we come to the point of this rant. Sorry it took so long, but you were warned lol.

The Loki series makes me so angry I actually get sick to my stomach. It was fucking TRASH. When I praised Marvel for following Norse mythology so faithfully earlier? Yeah. I DID NOT MEAN TREAT HIM THE WAY THE OTHER GODS DID. I did not mean paint him as a pitiful clown, a joke, a caricature of who he truly was, with his pain and suffering played for LAUGHS.

This is supposed to be 2012 Loki, newly freed from Thanos' control. The Loki we saw in the beginning of TDW - snarky, exhausted, nihilistic. The Loki who rolled his eyes and said "get on with it" expecting to be killed.

The bumbling clown flipping on a dime from posturing to calling himself weak is not 2012 Loki. That is not ANY Loki. That is Tom Hiddleston in a black wig doing what he's told by a shitty writer who had no fucking idea what he was doing and was salty about his (bad) original script (for something totally fucking unrelated) getting killed.

In Episode 1, Loki is mocked, imprisoned, stripped against his will, tormented, belittled, and given a flippant summary of all the trauma Actual MCU Loki suffered that this one skipped out on, with no context, no acknowledgement of the trauma he's already lived quite fucking recently, and with the narrative twisted to not only erase all the abuse he's suffered, but to make it all his fault. And this is supposed to make him want to help these people?

And worse, IT FUCKING WORKS. WHAT?! I CAN'T- FUCKING WHAT?! Remember when I said LOKI IS NOT FUCKING STUPID?! So why is he STUPID?

Episode 2, he's a child. Mentally, this Loki is a fucking child. Now we've erased all the growth and development of his entire adult life. He's dopey, impatient, impulsive, desperate for a pat on the back and actually shows it. Yes, abused and neglected children crave the positive attention we never received, and we often grow up to be a bit emotionally stunted. But not all of us, and not Loki. Not as we've seen him EVER in the rest of the MCU. Playful and a bit callous at times? Absolutely! But not a big dumb fucking puppy.

Episode 3, a ray of hope, despite Sylvie! (I hate Sylvie) Loki casually admits he's pan/bi; labels never come up, but he admits to being with both men and women! He sings! Not really relevant to whether I approve of his portrayal or not lol but Tom has a beautiful voice, Norwegian ("Asgardian" lol) is a gorgeous, entrancing language, and I could watch that one bit on loop for eternity and never get bored. And then, finally, we see a glimpse - a glimpse - of Loki's power! He stops a falling building and pushes it right back up! Are we finally getting to see what he can really do? Will the next episode bring us Loki in all his glory?

Nope. 4 and 5 we see him mocked and pushed around and utterly irrelevant. Again. We see tiny reflections of what he could maybe theoretically do in other random Loki variants, but the "main" (lawl. main. it was the Sylvie and Mobius show. Loki was never the main anything.) Loki? Nothing. He wears his heart on his sleeve for no reason, bonds with the man who imprisoned, taunted, and gaslit him, is killed, and continues to be a moron and a joke. Always the clown. Always the dumb one. The one with the bad ideas. The inferior Loki.

Don't even get me started on that finale. I can't. This already took so much out of me. Fuck Marvel. Fuck this fucking show. I just... I'm done.

[polyrolemodels]

Cautionary Poly: It Always Felt Like An Affair

"Poor Rob," my girlfriend Tina says.

"Who's that?" I ask.  

She tells me Rob is her play partner from back home. The one she hooks up with once a year when she and her husband go to a conference in Ohio. She's mentioned Rob before but not by name. He's the whole reason that she's polyamorous.

"Oh," I say. "What's going on with him?"

"He and his wife Michelle have the hardest time finding partners. They have the worst luck. They really do."

I nod, knowing that feeling. Until I lucked out and found Tina, I'd been striking out left and right myself. She and her husband Don were recent transplants to Maine, on OKCupid looking for people to play board games with.

But something about her profile had tipped me off. Flashing the secret poly bat signal in the sky.

And several weeks later, here we are. Chatting in her kitchen, the morning after yet another wonderful overnight date.

I listen carefully as she details Rob and Michelle's dating hits and misses. And by the end of it, I feel bad for them, too.

"That's too bad," I say. "I hope they find someone soon."

*

The next time I hear from Rob, it's via my online dating profile:

Hey!

Heard you are friends with some other good friends of mine, Don and Tina!

Take care of them, now that they're not in the Cleveland area I miss them terribly!

Also, yay for a 97% match! :D

Wanting to make a good impression on my metamour, I write Rob back right away. We exchange a few messages back and forth, but I keep it strictly friendly, and our conversation dies off.

It isn't until 3 weeks later that Rob even crosses my mind again when Don lets it drop that Rob had congratulated him and Tina on snagging me, adding that I was terribly cute in my profile pics.

On a lark, I reach out to Rob again, telling him that if he ever visits his friends in Maine that I'd be quite happy to meet him.

Rob asks me for my Skype info, and we start chatting on a regular basis.

He's forward from the very beginning. He tells me during our very first conversation, after 4 hours of chatting, that it might sound crazy but that he already knows that he loves me. Because I'm someone who rejects the status quo. And that's incredibly rare.

I'm a bit unsettled by this admission. It's much too soon. But in other ways, it's a welcome change. To be pursued. Prior to dating Don and Tina, I had pursued a series of basically monogamous people, with painful results.

Even with Don and Tina, I always feel like the clingy one, the initator. They set a lot of emotional limits on our relationships with one another. And identify polycurious.

I've grown sick of being a salesperson for polyamory.  

But with Rob, I'm being wooed for the very first time since I opened up my own marriage.

Rather than running screaming in the other direction (as perhaps I should have done), I start to consider Rob a possibility.

This feeling only intensifies when he talks about how much he loves his wife Michelle. And tells me stories of their life together. They've been polyamorous for 8 years, together longer than that.

It hasn't always been easy, but she's incredibly important to him.

I find his love for her attractive. It's good to know he values someone so much who is close to him.

When he talks about how positive polyamory has been as an experience for them, it doesn't quite square with what Tina has told me. But I quiet my suspicion and continue to foster an interest in him.

*

Over time, Rob and I switch to the phone and start to call each other every day. I love his voice.

And as we continue to learn more about each other, we start having phone sex. Really good phone sex. It's welcome, since my husband Seth always found the act goofy, and it's been years since I had anybody to do it with.

One night, Rob calls me on the phone after Michelle leaves for the library. We're just chitchatting. Not even having phone sex per se yet. Suddenly, he sounds stressed.

"I have to go. I'll talk to you online," Rob says.

He doesn't even wait for me to respond. He just hangs up.

I hear nothing for 2 hours (and what a miserable wait), and then Rob pops online to tell me that Michelle had come home early from the library to find him with his pants undone while talking to someone on the phone.

"I offered to delete your contact info and block you," he tells me. "But luckily, she said that wouldn't be necessary."

I sit there staring at the computer screen, gutted.

Stunned by how casually he is willing to cast me out of his life at the slightest resistance from his wife.

And unimpressed by how badly they seem to handle basic poly issues for a couple that's been at this for 8 years.

My own marriage has only been open a year, and I can't imagine my husband Seth and I handling things this way.

*

It always felt like an affair.

And in hindsight, that should have told me something. “She doesn't have to know how serious we are yet. She just wouldn't understand.”

I thought it was romantic that he would lie to her by omission. That we'd have little secrets that only the two of us would know. I thought they were harmless and bred intimacy. He'd tell me when he'd screwed up and bummed a cigarette, knowing I wouldn't yell at him, only encourage him to do better. Adding, “Don't tell her. She'd freak.” It made me proud. I was chill. I could handle the fact that he was imperfect. In reality, it should have made me nervous. Very nervous.

I became addicted to his confidence. To this feeling that he could tell me things he couldn't bear to reveal to her. Over time, I felt his loyalties shifting, subtly, then explicitly. “Tell no one this, but if I'd met you when I was dating her, I would have dumped her and gotten with you instead. You're the kind of woman I wish I'd married.”

I knew they'd become poly in the first place because the two of them kept cheating on each other, that all of their extramarital relationships had been full of dishonesty. That her ex-boyfriend of 4 years was married, and that the metamour, her ex-boyfriend's wife, never knew. That Rob had slept with another woman the week before he and Michelle were married and didn't let Michelle know for a few years after the fact. That he had broken rules with exes like “don't fuck in our bed” and “let me know beforehand.”

It was arrogance to think I could be anything but part of the pattern of behavior, that somehow I could break the cycle through love, support, and my own efforts at ethical communication.

*

It got a lot worse before it got better. I tell the full story of what happened with Rob and Michelle in my book Poly Land: My Brutally Honest Adventures in Polyamory (https://www.amazon.com/Poly-Land-Brutally-Adventures-Polyamory-ebook/dp/B0719VNFZF/).

But I did learn a lot of lessons through Rob and Michelle. Here are just a few:

Pay close attention to how a lover speaks about their other partner. And whether or not they're honest to them. It's a great indicator of how they'll treat you, too.

Just because someone has been polyamorous longer than you have, it doesn't mean that they're better at managing relationships.

When communicating, do not assume the other person has understood you. Dig. Confirm. If something seems a bit off, don’t bridge the distance in your brain. Challenge it.

Whenever possible, do not rely on a third party’s assurance that someone else will be fine with an agreement. Speak directly to the source. If you neglect this step, it is at your peril. It is hard enough to ensure you’re being understood when communicating directly with someone else. When you’re playing telephone with a third party in the middle? Holy monkeys.

---

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Cautionary Poly: Teachable Moments in Polyamorous Relationships is a special feature of Poly Role Models. The goal of this feature is to highlight the fact that successful polyamory isn’t always free of mistakes…and those mistakes can definitely be gained from. Now accepting submissions. If you’ve got a story to share please post it here or email me at PolyRoleModels@gmail.com.

[10itemsorwes]

Ok ok ok continuing!!!!!

Let's talk about God again.

God, in her little pocket dimension, got a little pissy that things didn't go her way. She thought about sending down an angel or two to do it instead, but then, she had a better idea. A more creative idea.

God appeared to Judas in a dream. She told him he had to kill Fern and Tarrish to ensure his place in heaven. Judas was conflicted, so God handed him a blade capable of killing angels and demons and told him he had three days to decide. Judas woke up with the blade on his bedside table.

He hesitated.

Conflict played through his mind.

Maybe it was a test of devotion.

Maybe it wasn't really god talking to him.

Or maybe it was.

Was it all part of the plan?

Judas didn't know.

He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know, He didn't know.

On the second day, he decided to get rid of the blade. He couldn't do it.

Maybe he wouldn't go to heaven for that. Maybe God would smite him, or something. But he couldn't.

Let's talk about possession.

Judas doesn't remember what happened for a week after that. Tarrish and Fern have recounted their experiences, but Judas isn't sure of the timeline. So here's an approximation of what happened after he threw the blade away.

On the third day, Judas began acting strange. Robotic, in a way. He stopped going to church and was a bit distant to Fern and Tarrish. He wouldn't come to bed at night, instead searching through his trashcan for something.

The first 3 days were like a weird factory reset, or something. He was stiff and weird and on the fourth day, he seemed to get used to his surroundings again. He was nicer, more loving, but still weird.

On the fifth day, Judas was chopping carrots for something. Tarrish walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around him, leaning on his shoulder with a smile. Judas turned a bit and tried to stab him with the knife he was using. Fern was suddenly there as well and caught his wrist, wrestling it away from him. It grazed against his arm and cut him, making grace fall from the wound.

That wasn't a normal knife, Fern realized.

And that wasn't Judas.

When Fern said it aloud, though, the world spun and went black for the both of them. They were met face to face with God herself.

Let's talk about unfair deals.

God was pissed off she couldn't make Judas kill them for her, so she decided she needed to talk to them. She summoned all three of them again- except Judas was a bit... not present...- and told them that she was going to kill one of them for her entertainment. They could decide who died, but someone. Someone was going to die. They had 10 minutes to talk and decide.

Fern and Tarrish spent the first 5 minutes silently, not sure what to even talk about. Then, when they finally did talk, they got into an argument about which of them should be killed, because they didn't want to kill Judas. Their talk ended up lasting for 15 minutes. God finally got tired and told them that she was choosing.

She grabbed Judas, pulled him close, and snapped his neck.

Fern and Tarrish woke up on the floor of Judas' empty house. There was a silence for a bit. Tarrish started crying first. He got up and banged his head on a wall. When that didn't get rid of all his feelings, he turned to a shelf nearby and shoved it to the ground, smashing photos and sending books to the floor. Tears silently began down Fern's face as well. Tarrish started going room from room, breaking things, tearing up the cushions, punching holes in the walls. Fern didn't move from his spot, frozen in place and watching the chaos unfold.

Judas got home about 20 minutes into the chaos and dropped his grocery bags.

Let's talk about God's idea of entertainment.

They all reappeared in the eternal blackness, face to face with god laughing her ass off. She was curled up and nearly in tears fron laughing.

"You should've seen your faces! Oh, fuck, I can't! You really think I would do that? Oh, shit, hold on, I need a minute-" God put a hand against the darkness and leaned against it like a wall, still giggling and out of breath. "Ok, ok, ok. I'm sorry. That was the most entertainment I've had in years. Ha... No, I think you guys are sweet. Do whatever you want, I don't care. Thanks for that."

"Wha- it wasn't real?!" Tarrish was frustrated.

"What wasn't real?" Judas asks, looking around confusedly.

"She killed you! She broke your neck and you were dead!"

"What?! I just went to buy groceries! I told both of you I'd be back!"

"No you didn't! We were here!"

"What?"

"Ok, ok, calm down," God interjected finally, "You're both right. Yeah, I did kill him. Or, I guess, what looked like him. Weird, right? But guess what? I'm fucking God. What did you expect? Anyway, sorry for fucking you guys up. Next time don't fuck with the plan. Anyway, I'll send you guys back, now. Have fun cleaning that mess Tarrish made."

Just like that, they woke up again. Huh.

It took about 6 hours and 750 dollars, but they cleaned up. They had a discussion and moved on. Whatever, what a weird day.

Let's talk about endings.

I'm bad at them. So you get a fairytale ending. They lived happily ever after. The end.

What, hoping for a secret?

Fine.

To be continued. Again.

No one is gonna see this BUT

I wanna talk about my OCs. Just OCs, not fandom specific. My own world, my own characters, ye. And what better place to do it than Tumblr!!

Ok so. This is absolutely going to have inaccurate assumptions about Christianity (bc I haven't been Christian since I was like 12-) and also my own idea of Angels and Demons and God. Especially God.

So this is like. A really fast entire telling of my OCs Judas Rosé, Terrisian (Tarrish) and Fermisiel (Fern). Let's go!

So, let's talk about Judas.

Judas is the only human. He has undiagnosed Autism and his special interest is the bible. He grew up in a really really small town in Kansas called Amadan (not a real place-) which is a Christian-centric town. He doesn't know it, but when God first started humanity, she decided that humans were interesting and wanted to talk to people without their eyes burning out of their faces and their heads exploding, so she made a few humans with the ability to hear/talk to her without death. She planned out every human since the first one and called them high priests (so creative, I know). Unfortunately, a few thousand years later, she decided she wanted to be left alone for a while, so she took her top angels and disappeared into her own little pocket dimension where she could watch from afar and stopped talking to humans. And she forgot to undo the fact that every high priest gets assigned a guardian angel at 20-30. More on that later.

Judas studied to become a priest and applied to Amadan Baptist Church. He, of course, got the job. He had been volunteering there since he was 14 and attending since he was born, basically. Unfortunately, because he was 25 and every other priest or reverend was mid 60s to 80s, they didn't really take him seriously. They gave him the title of priest, but he was basically a glorified altar boy. He didn't mind, though. When he was about 32, he was being treated the same way. One day, while he was doing his usual job, someone he didn't recognize asked to speak with him privately. Judas walked with them to his a back hall and they revealed themself as an Angel. Fermisiel, a guardian angel.

Let's talk about Fermisiel.

(This is a bad photo but it works)

Fern has always been a little awkward. He was supposed to be a guardian angel, but he wasn't a very good one. His first assignment, he only lasted a week. Why? Well, because he killed the one he was supposed to protect. Woopsies. When he got back to heaven afterwards, the Powers (higher ranked angels who took control after God disappeared) lined up a very harsh punishment. To take out his eyes on his vessel. Not super bad, he could still see. But now he has zero depth perception and grace (basically his lifeforce. Yes I stole that from supernatural) just constantly fell down his face like he was crying. He wasn't given another assignment after that until Judas, who wasn't that important anymore but still required a guardian angel. Judas freaked the fuck out and was in heavy denial for a moment. He was fine after the first few days. But on the first day of Fern being just... in his house, he decided he hated that Fern was trying to watch him sleep, so he told him to wait on the couch or go on a walk or something. And Fern decided to go on a walk. It had been a while since he had seen the earth, after all. On his walk, though, he ran into a demon. An Incubus.

Let's talk about Terrisian.

(Ignore that I can't draw hands)

Terrisian is an incubus. He was sent to Amadan to sleep around, fill a quota, the works! When he ran into Fern, he didn't realize he was an angel at first because Fern was in a more human looking form. He tried to flirt and stuff, but Fern was like "um absolutely fucking not" and threatened his life and fully almost killed him.

Until he realized that Tarrish was just. Not scared. At all.

In fact, Tarrish was flirting with him even more. Fern, being confused, just kind of paused and questioned him. Tarrish had a conversation with him about it. They ended up talking until the morning. And Tarrish promised to find and talk to him again.

Fern made a friend.

Let's talk about sexuality.

Judas was heavily in denial that he was Bisexual. He didn't have anything against the LGBTQ, he was just. Not about that for himself.

Tarrish was pansexual. Emphasis on the sexual. He had a body count that included James Madison and George Bush. And he was very proud. Very.

Fern had never had romantic or sexual feelings. That wasn't part of his job, he didn't care.

When Tarrish met Fern, he wanted to have sex with him. He was very up front about it. That's what he wanted. After all, what demon had ever slept with an angel before? So he was willing to play the long game. Get the angel nice and comfy and slowly coax him into having sex. Easy enough! In the meantime, he had other people to fuck, too.

Why not start at the local church?

He found interest in Judas pretty quickly. So Tarrish approached him after church one day and managed to convince Judas to let him suck him off. Easy enough!

Unfortunately, Fern found out.

Fern was, of course, pissed the fuck off. So he berated Tarrish and told him to never do it again. Tarrish saw an opportunity and, in the midst of Fern's anger, talked him out of his clothes and they... did a lot more than talking.

Fern got back to Judas' house late that morning, avoiding eye contact.

And, of course, Tarrish did not stop visiting Judas at work. Or having midnight "discussions" with Fern.

And then, at some point, Fern asked Tarrish why he kept coming back to him. After the first time, he just assumed he would disappear and not care about Fern anymore.

Tarrish realized, in fact, that he felt a lot closer to Fern than others he had slept with. All those late night conversations, the sneaking around, the stupid jokes. Oh, god, they added up. Tarrish realized he kept coming back because he loved Fern. And when he said it, Fern said it back.

Tarrish stopped visiting Judas at work. Instead, he started showing up to his house. Like, out of nowhere. He'd just pop up, chatting or heavily making out with Fern. So Judas asked what the fuck that was about. They told him they loved eachother and bla bla bla. Judas didn't really mind, but he asked if they knew that love was more than just... sex. Because they were having a lot of sex.

Let's talk about romance.

Tarrish didn't, in fact, know that. Fern did, but he couldn't name any more detail than that. Judas decided to help them out. He didn't mind. He helped them introduce love language, healthy discussion, and much more into their relationship. Tarrish didn't get it much, but he liked the fun little activities. Fern thought it was nice to do something more personal than sex now.

Judas watched them grow and love each other more and more.

And he was slowly more and more aware of how single he himself was.

He watched Tarrish snuggle up to Fern and playfully insult him. He watched Fern kiss Tarrish's cheek and tell him to shut his mouth. He watched Fern bring Tarrish bird feathers as gifts. He watched Tarrish bring Fern cool pebbles.

I made that, he would think to himself. And he felt so good about it, that he was able to help their relationship progress. And he felt bad that he wasn't apart of it. He hated that he felt like it, but he did. And he felt awful. Awful, awful, awful.

Tarrish and Fern, meanwhile, had talked a bit a few months into the relationship. They talked about how nice Judas was to help them. They talked about how much they loved his advice and help.

They talked about how they loved him.

They realized that's what they were talking about.

Oh.

Interesting.

The next day, Fern asked Judas why he was so willing to help them with that. Judas said he didn't want to say. It was embarrassing, it was stupid, every excuse in the book. Fern pried it out of him. Judas said he didn't realize it at first, but he liked Fern. He made him feel safe and warm. Then when he saw Terrisian again, when he watched him become capable of connection more emotional than sex, he started liking him, too.

Let's talk about God.

God doesn't have a plan. She has entertainment. She doesn't intervene unless she wants to make it more interesting. At this point, Fern was supposed to get upset. Act like he was alright, but go and accidentally exaggerate to Tarrish that Judas was trying to break them up because he liked both of them. Tarrish was supposed to get upset at this and kill Judas for it. Fern, then, was supposed to do his job and kill Tarrish for killing Judas.

This didn't happen.

That's when God took notice and started paying closer attention.

Fern, instead, went to Tarrish and told him how it was. He said Judas was feeling bad because he liked the both of them. Tarrish thought about it and they decided together to bring Judas into the relationship. To make a polycule together. They loved eachother, all three of them. Why not just welcome Judas in, too? They did love him, after all.

Let's talk about miscommunication.

Tarrish and Fern decided to form a polycule between the three of them. Judas noticed Fern and Tarrish suddenly talking to him a lot more. Fern started leaving feathers on his bedside table. Tarrish started to offer to sleep with him again.

Fern and Tarrish didn't tell Judas they were both dating him now.

Judas was very confused at the sudden affection.

Judas let it go on for about a week, very confused but not questioning it. He assumed it was a very abstract thank you. Whatever, he could tell them to stop later.

It wasn't until Judas woke up between Fern and Tarrish snuggling him that he questioned it. He asked them later that day, very confused. They were just as confused. They asked him why they couldn't show him affection? They showed each other affection. That's how you treat someone you love.

Judas was very confused.

"Let's talk about this." Judas offered, leading them both to his living room. They all sat together, just a moment of silence.

"Why are you both being so... different? You're acting as if you're both suddenly dating me, too."

"Well, we are dating." Tarrish piped up, grinning at him. Fern nodded in agreement.

"What? Since when?" Judas asked, straightening up a bit.

"Last monday. About 11:48 pm." Fern responded calmly, tilting his head. "Why are you confused?"

"Wha- you didn't tell me! Also, who says I would agree to be in a relationship with both of you?!" Judas asks, looking between them. Tarrish's tail flicked impatiently.

"Why wouldn't you? You love both of us, don't you? That's what you told Fern." Tarrish points out. Judas turns red and averts his eyss.

"Well, I didn't know he would tell you." Judas murmurs, squirming uncomfortably in his seat.

"Judas, I'm sorry we didn't tell you. We forgot to. If you really aren't comfortable with it, we completely understand." Fern states, leaning forward slightly. Judas shakes his head.

"I don't know how that would work. What, we change who's in the relationship every week? Besides, I don't know how my church would react to that..."

"What? That makes no sense. Haven't you heard of polyamory? We don't need to switch out. And you don't have to tell people," Tarrish grins, crossing his legs, "if Fern told heaven? He would be cast out forever or be killed. If I told hell? I'd get my ass kicked for having emotional attachments. We can keep a secret if you want us to."

There was a silence after that.

After a bit more discussion, they came to an agreement and an understanding. They started slow again, but they made it official. This was their relationship. They were going to make it work, all three of them.

They were going to make it work.

...

God wasn't very happy about that, though.

(To be continued!! Yayy!!!)