#wonder how much hate I'm going to get for this one

[nana-mizu-shiki]

"An-a-and I w-w-would j-just re-remember you s-aying "What are you crying for(?!), I'll give you something to cry about(!)", a-and you'd raise y-your hand an-and-" They break down, silently crying, trusting her to understand and tell them it was just one big misunderstanding.

"What? [#####] stop being ridiculous-! That's something I would say to [toddler sibling] ! Stop being childish, I love you!" She replied.

"..." They looked away from her, "S-s-sorry...."

No reply.

"Bad m-memor-yy re-remember?" They laugh weakly, trying to fix whatever they did wrong.

"Oh baby, it's okay... I love you, remember that. Now. Clean up those tears, okay? Imma go make dinner and we can forget all about this," She smiled kindly.

"Mhmm," They smile back, avoiding their eyes.

I never did end up forgetting... always have been good at putting on a Mask though.

I didn't talk much that night. Or the next time I cried. Or the time when I should've, but couldn't figure out why I wouldn't.

I only seem to cry when I'm angry now. I Wonder about that. Especially since it creates a cycle, since I get mad when I cry, Angry at myself for doing so.

I don't get angry often anymore either.

I Wonder about that, too.

And the different ways I've learned to smile ,pacify. How my face kinda just goes.. blank? When I argue. When I should be crying. When I should be afraid. Ect, You know.

I Wonder a lot.

I Wonder if I can take my Masks off anymore, or if it's just me putting more realistic ones on so as to convince myself that I control the Masks, and not the opposite.

Hm. Best not to think too hard about the Masks. Ignorance is bliss, right?

It doesn't matter that I've always hated the Ignorance, how I've made myself perfectly understandable to others so as to not be 'ignorant, childish, incoherent, whiny.' It doesn't matter that I've learned LOGIC to escape everything I've (not)said, everything I've Wondered about.

Have you ever tried to tell your parents about the time they said/did something that traumatized you just to get "didn't happen" in return

???

[hwaslayer]

wildfire (cs) | thirteen.

—spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: assistant professor in bioengineering, incredibly attractive, lonely and divorced; that’s how most people describe san. but despite the events that have happened in his life, san has a lot going for himself. he’s a successful, sought out professor due to his brilliant contributions to science at just an early age of 32. he worked hard to get where he was now; head deep into his research, his publications, building his lab and creating a name for himself. everything was good and smooth sailing— until it wasn’t. because when he meets you, a bioengineering grad student interested in rotating in his lab, he finds himself ready to risk all the blood, sweat and tears he put in throughout the years just to keep you close— his need for you spiraling out of control like a wildfire.

—pairing: asst. professor!choi san x grad student!f. reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers to lovers, grad school au | fluff, angst, smut

—word count: 7k

—chapter content/warnings: cussing, we catch a lil moment with belle 🙄, crying .. lots of crying, just lots of hurt and heartache, more misunderstandings, we see a bit of parents from both sides - esp san's dynamic with his father, flashback scene with smut: oral (f. receiving), 🤠, praises, lots of sweet kisses and tender moments, some nipple play, soft and slow smut!!

—a/n: fic announcement soon!

If the texts yesterday afternoon weren't nerve-wracking enough, it was the downtime in between the texts and seeing San that had you ready to curl up in a ball out of anxiety; fetal position, rocking back and forth as an attempt to rid the feeling. San hadn't texted much after deciding the two of you should talk the following day, and you never questioned why he couldn't just see you the same night he had told you he needed to talk. 

you: 😞 you didn't even look my way when you walked back into the office and i haven't heard from you all day.

you: i hate how all my papers and presentations are due this week. plus ppl have been weird, idk. i just wanna cuddle 😭

san: i'm sorry. it's just been a day.

you: that's never stopped you before... ☹️ what's wrong, san?

san: we should talk, baby.

you: oh.. okay. so let's talk tonight? i just need to finish up a few things, and i'm halfway done on most of my papers and presentations. i think they can wait a bit.

san: no, you should finish up. i've got a ton of things to catch up on so tonight won't work. can we do this tomorrow? i'll come pick you up once we're both done in the lab.

you: are you sure?

san: mhm. i'm sorry again, it really just has been kinda all over the place today.

you: it's fine, san. as long as you can promise me we're okay?

san: we will be. i'll talk to you tomorrow, okay? try to take breaks and rest well.

You accepted it, even if it felt excruciating and painfully long.

These things never turn out well, and you knew your case wasn't gonna be an exception. You were afraid for it, you were nervous and you were wondering what San might do to try and lessen the blow of whatever was coming.

He wouldn't hurt you, right?

He meant it when he said you two would be okay, right?

Even if he tried to be as reassuring, everything about it felt off and cryptic. None of it felt like sunshine and rainbows, none of it felt like the San you felt in love with. None of it felt like the giddy excitement, the comfort, the safety you had come to know and love. 

You hated automatically assuming the worse, but nothing was preventing you from doing so— not even San.

Today was actually pretty uneventful, nonetheless. Despite the wait and silence from San, you felt like you managed to get by in one piece. It still felt like everyone was looking at you; like they had all known your deepest, darkest secrets. Like they had been following your every move, especially while you were with San. It still felt awful, but you had learned how to push aside because people could talk and assume— but they would never know the true story.

And who knows? Even if you tried to explain yourself, they wouldn't get it.

You didn't really owe that explanation to anyone, you think.

The only other weird part about your day was when you had tried to help Belle earlier since you had some downtime and she brushed you off completely. She had been avoiding you, and it was pretty obvious she was letting the talk get to her head. She didn't maintain eye contact with you, she didn't acknowledge you, and she didn't talk to you the way that she used to.

—FLASHBACK

You walk into the lab, passing by a few of your labmates with a tiny, toothless smile etched on your lips. There was no Sunwoo around, but there was Belle; yet, she still hadn't turned to acknowledge your presence. You had gotten through your to-do list for Sunwoo's project, leaving you with extra time to spare today. You hadn't been able to dedicate a lot of your support to Belle lately due to all those technical issues you needed to troubleshoot for your project with Sunwoo, and you figured this would be a good time to make up for it.

Unless she had other plans.

"Hey Belle!" You come to her desk, pulling the courage from deep down within you to approach her first. She looks up at you, a brow cocked up before returning her attention to her laptop. "I have some time to help—"

"No thanks, I'm good." She doesn't look at you. "Just so you know, I don't really need extra help anymore. I've got everything figured out already."

"Oh, okay." You step away from her desk, fiddling with your fingers while you stand there looking dumb. "Are you sure?" She pauses her typing before finally looking back up at you with her brows knit tightly together. 

"I just said it, didn't I?"

"I-I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure since I had the time and I haven't been able to help you out as much cause of Sunwoo's project."

"Why don't you go and use your extra time with Professor Choi since you've been doing that anyway?" She gives you a look that settles in the pit of your stomach. You don't say anything to her, even as she shuts her laptop close and stands— brushing past you to get to one of the behavior rooms. You feel a bit hurt, and your other labmates aren't even paying attention to the whole thing; or, maybe they are, and they just don't wanna say anything to dig deeper into the wound. 

So, you turn on your heel with your head down, returning to your desk to continue your data analysis in silence.

—END

You try to tell yourself that it doesn't really matter— that you didn't need anyone's reassurance or validation. It hurt despite not being super close to Belle, but you knew she thought of you in a different light now and that wasn't really fair. You could see how it'd look problematic on the surface, but you thought she knew you better than that.

Guess it's also your fault for assuming.

When it's time for San to pick you up at your usual pick-up spot, you grab your keys and head out— still not having changed out of your outfit for the day. You try to take slow steps to not seem too eager, but you can't help it when you see San parked in his usual spot. This time though, he isn't watching for you in the rear view mirror. 

"Hey." You swing the door open and slide in. San gives you a small smile, followed by a:

"Hey." He watches as you dip forward to kiss him on the lips like you always do, and he surprisingly takes it. You were getting ready for the rejection or some kind of pull back; but, to San's own knowledge, he did it because he knew it'd be the last time he could savor it.

"You okay? Were you able to finish everything you needed to?"

"Uh, yeah. Think so." He says with a subtle chuckle before driving off. 

"Are we going to your house?"

"Thought we could sit at the view and talk, if that's okay with you?" You slowly nod, keeping your eyes trained on San as he drives.

"Okay. You're scaring me, Sannie." He shakes his head. 

"Please don't be."

"Then why couldn't we just talk about this like normal at your place?"

"Y/N, you trust me, right?" He quickly looks at you as he comes across a red light. You silently nod, just in time for him to drive off and continue onto the destination. "Okay, so trust me." He's still being so cryptic and distant that you don't even know how to respond. You quietly sit back in your chair and watch the surroundings pass you by, trying to settle the queasiness you feel building in your stomach.

These things never go well, and your case doesn't seem to be a one-off.

San continues to remain silent as he drives the rest of the way to the view, the music softly filling in as background noise that's enough to distract you. When he pulls into the small empty side lot and parks his car, he lets out a sigh and sits back.

"How was your day today?" He asks softly, still avoiding contact with you.

"It was okay, I guess. Better than yesterday."

"That's good."

"San." You adjust your position so you're looking directly at him, body facing him. "What is it that you wanted to talk about?"

"I don't know where to start."

"You have to start somewhere." He sighs again. "You know, whatever it is, you can tell me. We can figure this out together." You raise your hand to cup his cheek, almost somewhat of a gesture to force him to look at you. And for a minute, you feel him relax under your touch. You can tell he wants to turn and kiss the palm of your hand like he usually does, but he doesn't. "Sannie—"

"We should stop this." Your mouth slightly drops even though you don't know what to say. Your eyes widen, your touch turns cold. You retreat your hand while you let the response sink, San still keeping his gaze out of the window because he truly can't dare to look at you right now.

He'll fold.

He'll forget all about this and risk everything for the both of you.

He shouldn't.

"W-what?"

"We need to stop this, Y/N." He finally looks at you and his gaze feels like an icebox. Everything feels so cold and distant, even if it's supposed to be a front; it's working, and it's fucking you up completely.

"All of a sudden? I-I thought we were fine, what happened? What did I do wrong?" He shakes his head.

"Nothing. It's not anything you did, I'm just trying to be realistic here."

"Realistic? I thought you didn't care about the outside noise?"

"We're only prolonging the inevitable, don't you get it? Everything is going to come crashing down on us whether we like it or not. No matter how hard I try to stop it, this is what it'll eventually come to." You don't really understand where he's coming from or what he's getting at, but it's too late— you feel the tears steadily streaming down your cheeks.

Then, you're sobbing into your hands and you feel pathetic. But San feels terrible, he hates this. He doesn't wanna do this but he's conflicted between right and wrong, between being selfish and letting you go. "San, why?"

"Y/N, please hear me out on this, okay?" He's barely able to answer.

"Why? You ask him again. You cry in his passenger's seat, wiping it away with your sweater sleeves. "You said I could trust you, a-and that you wouldn't hurt me because you didn't care about anyone else."

"I need you to understand that I'm doing this because I care about you."

"But, I love you." San shakes his head as tears streak his own cheeks.

"We're being too selfish." He looks at you. "I am. I'm being too selfish and I don't need this to ruin things for you more. I need to put you first—"

"Why do you get to decide what that looks like for me, San?" He doesn't respond. "So, you don't want this?" He lets out a shaky sigh. "Us?"

"That's far from how I feel and you know it."

"Why can't you just say it back? Why can't we just let this be? I don't care—" You tug on his arm and he grips your hand before shaking his head.

"Because this is already hard as it is. Y/N, listen to me." He pleads, cupping your cheeks. He finally looks deep into your eyes, his thumb gently caressing the surface. The life in his eyes are gone. The glow, the stars. Now, his eyes are dull. They're holding back. They don't show you anything. "We should stop. We need to. Namjoon and the dean are discussing your future at the school, and I need you to keep going in this program. I need you to keep going forward even if that means I can't be right there with you every step of the way. You deserve to be here and you deserve to finish this until the very end. You've worked so hard to get here, and I refuse to let them lose out on you simply because of me."

"This makes no sense to me. Why do we have to do this? We can just be more careful and plan better. We can just—"

"I'm trying to protect you." 

"Protect me? From Namjoon and the dean? Or are you trying to protect yourself?"

"I don't give a damn about me, Y/N!" He's a little angrier with this response but you know it isn't directed towards you. It's towards Namjoon. The dean. Yunho and Iseul. This whole fucked up situation. "I'm always gonna put you first. It's always been about you and it'll always be about you." You cry a bit harder at his answer, unsure of what to make of this entire thing. You don't know if San really means this or if he is just trying to protect you. You don't know what to do, you don't know if you should keep trusting him the same way. 

You don't know if you can, and that's probably because you're blinded by all the overwhelming emotions you're feeling right now.

The both of you sit in this thick silence, your cries now filling the space while San tries to muster up the last bit of his energy to try and make you feel better— to get you to understand this better.

It's not that he wants to, he has to.

"I don't—" He swallows thickly. "I don't wanna do this but I have to. You have to understand." He says at a whisper, more tears streaming down his red-stained cheeks. "You have to understand, baby. Please." He begs. "I don't want them to do anything to you and I don't wanna jeopardize your future. Just listen to me. We have to do this." He leans forward to cup your cheeks and wipe your tears away with his thumb.

"No, we don't." You almost whine, but all San can do is shake his head and sit back in his seat.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, but I have to do what's best for you." His voice shakes. "I really am so sorry, sweetheart." He answers lowly, wiping his remaining tears before retreating back into his shell and showing off his cold demeanor for the remainder of his time with you. "I should get you back."

"I should've never trusted you. I should've known this was all too good to be true. You didn't care." You cry, repeating all this nonsense to try and get him to hurt the same way as you somehow. Because he'll never understand. Everything had led up to this and you were still unprepared for this. Even though you knew you'd be here at some point, nothing would have ever prepared you for the way your heart drops to your stomach; the way you feel nothing but thunder and rain.

Blue and grey.

He does, though.

In fact, he's probably hurting the most because he had to pull the trigger and let you go.

He hates it. He fucking hates it. 

He's trying to drown out the rest until he gets you back to your building because he can't take it. He can't take hearing you cry anymore, he can't take hearing you say these awful things because you're angry at the moment. He hopes that you'll see where he's coming from eventually because all he's ever wanted to do was protect you and keep you safe.

All he's ever done was care about you, and you only.

All he's ever felt was love for you, and you only. You showed him what love was like again and he'll never take that for granted.

This was him showing you love. He needed to put you first.

"I care about you more than anything. I'm trying to do what's best—"

"Without involving me? Deciding for me? Yeah." You wipe away at your cheeks once more before unbuckling your seatbelt. "Whatever San, save it." You tell him before swinging the door open and stepping out. "You were just trying to protect me. I get it."

"Baby, don't be like that. Please don't make this harder than it already is. I would never intentionally hurt you. You know this." He tries to reach for your hand, but you move it away.

"You don't get to call me that anymore." You roll your eyes. "Anyway, goodluck, San." Is all you say before slamming his door shut and storming off. You begin to cry to yourself again, feeling sorry for yourself and stupid. You know deep down that San was only trying to do the right thing and that he was trying to protect you. But, right now, you're angry, you're sad, you're upset. You feel empty and betrayed and you just need to feel this out in order to let it pass.

This too shall pass.

When you head upstairs, you quickly pack up a few things, along with your laptop and other school-related necessities before locking up and heading to your car. You feel a migraine coming on, which definitely means you should take it easy and stay behind; but, all you can think about is getting to your mom and being away from school for a few days.

Nothing's better than a mother's love and comfort, even though you aren't entirely sure how she's gonna react to this, how she'll feel about San.

In the end, you don't hate him. 

You can't.

You could never.

—FLASHBACK

"That was a good girl's date, wasn't it? We got massages, our nails done. Now we're eating a banana split under this nice weather." Your mom chuckles. "You need to come home more often."

"I know, I know." You scoop up a good helping of the banana split, internally conflicted on when is a good time to let your mom know about what's been going on. She would probably be surprised and scared for you, but your mom had a good way of choosing her words. She had a good way of being there for you but making her concerns known without pointing fingers or putting any blame on your actions.

"How has school been? Your friends?"

"They've been good. We've all been busy with our labs."

"Jiung's been good? You think you guys are all gonna stay in the labs you're currently rotating in?"

"He's good, yeah. And I think so, they all seem to be enjoying it."

"How about you?" You poke at the banana before scooping another helping. Your mom can already tell there's something else on your mind, but she's gonna let you take the floor and open up about it when you're ready.

Which is now. 

You just don't know if she's ready.

"Uh, yeah. It's been good!" You give her a small smile. "I'm still deciding on my route, but it's been good." Pause. "There's actually something else I've been meaning to tell you."

"Okay, try me!" She chuckles. "What is it?"

"I've been seeing someone."

"Oh?" She laughs. "Well, isn't that great?! I mean, you never needed a man, okay. But, as long as they make you happy and add value to your life. I just want you happy." She laughs. "Who is he, where did you meet? Tell me everything!" You sigh and take a deep breath before starting.

"We met at school. In the lab. Because.. he's my rotation professor." You give her a look, afraid of what she'll say. She stops mid-bite and almost chokes, setting her spoon down before looking at you with knitted brows.

"Your.. what?! Y/N—"

"Mom, please. Just hear me out before you start assuming and saying things. He didn't abuse his power, I didn't throw myself on him, okay? It just happened." You immediately say and look at her with puppy eyes. "We just happened. We grew feelings for each other and just clicked really well. We've been keeping things lowkey."

"But, Y/N. Honey, I say this sincerely. What if people find out? Not that I want them to, but they will." You shrug.

"I don't know, we'll figure it out."

"H-how old is he?"

"32."

"Oh, okay. He's young."

"And handsome." You rest your chin on the palm of your hand and smile. "His name is San. Choi San. He's pretty popular in the bioengineering and neuroscience world."

"That's good." Your mom is slightly shutting down and you know it's because her thoughts are traveling at 100mph and she doesn't know what to think or do.

Or say.

"Mom, I'm sorry. I know you're worried but I'll be fine, okay? I promise. It'll all be fine." You add to break the silence and reach for her hand.

"I just don't want him to hurt you and then you lose everything you've worked so hard for over him."

"I just don't know where this is gonna take us. Things feel too overwhelming. Like.. I just don't want any talk getting into his head about us."

"It could really ruin things for the both of you, Y/N. Please be smart about your actions. Don't throw everything away because of him. That's all I ask. Just by the looks of it, I know he makes you happy and you're riding cloud nine, but you need to remember who comes first— yourself."

"I know. I hear you. I don't mean to cause any unnecessary worry or anything."

"No, you're not. Lovey, I'm your mom, I'm always gonna worry regardless. But, I trust you enough to make the right decisions and to take care of yourself. I know you'll be smart and I know you won't be completely reckless. I'm not gonna lie, this— this isn't a 'conventional' relationship and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet." She sighs and looks at you with a hint of concern in her eyes. "I'm trying hard to see this from your side, not from my side, and I think it'll take me time to get used to. In the end, I just don't want you to get hurt. I don't want people to think bad about you, and I don't want you to lose everything you've worked so hard for."

"I know, but it's all okay. I promise." You promise her, but you don't even know if you believe the promise yourself. "You can trust him." She doesn't say much, and you can tell she's trying her hardest to swallow her true emotions.

"Just becareful."

—END

San picks up the phone to call Namjoon, hands slightly trembling. He's still sitting in his car, still sitting in the same spot because it's his turn to cry and let out all his feelings. He hits the steering wheel before running a hand through his hair, second-guessing all his decisions.

Why did it have to come down to all of this? Did he really have to? How long before he folds and comes back to you?

Before he says fuck this all together and chases after you?

He keeps trying to remind himself that he needs to protect you and let this blow over. He keeps trying to remind himself that it'll all be worth it and you both will find your way back to each other again.

In time.

"San."

"It's over with." Is all he is able to say before Namjoon lets out a small sigh on the other end.

"I'm sorry, San. Look, just give this time—" Quite frankly, he doesn't wanna hear it anymore. Not today, not tomorrow, not for awhile.

"It's fine." He cute him off. "You don't have to say it. Just please make sure nothing happens to her."

"You got my word. I'll figure this out. Don't worry." San ends the call before he's digging his head into his hands and cries.

And cries.

And cries.

Because now his days are going to blend back to the black and white filter he used to have on. He'll never experience that warmth, those colors, without you around.

He'll never witness where the sea meets the sky, when the sun sinks below the horizon. When dawn meets dusk. 

His days will be monotone and dull, lifeless and cold. Gloomy. Days he had prayed to get past and never return to.

But, he's here again.

And somehow, this pain feels worse this time around than the first time.

—FLASHBACK

San sighs when he pulls up to his parents' house, aggressively shifting the gear to park before taking a moment to himself. He wasn't happy when his father left him a voicemail, scolding him for the rumors going around about him dating his student. He was quick to call him names and demand him to make things right before his name could be tainted in the industry. San isn't gonna lie, he's always looked up to his father. Things changed when San started making a name for himself in the academic industry, creating some kind of competitive tension between the two. Well, San never felt that way. His dad strongly did though, for whatever reason.

He never understood it. It's whatever.

What San wasn't having was the fact that his father kept calling you a little girl who only wanted to use him to work her way in and up.

He slams the door to his car, adjusting his hat and his jacket before tapping the code into the keypad on the front door.

"San, is that you?" He hears his mom's sweet voice call out to him. He smiles softly when she comes into view in the hallway, opening her arms for a hug. "Please don't mind your father, you know how he is. He's just concerned." She gives the back of his neck a reassuring massage.

"Mm, yeah. I can feel the concern especially when he starts calling me out my name."

"San." His mom gives him a look before his dad looks up from the paper he's reading on the couch, forehead crinkling when he sees his son walk in.

"Why are you here?"

"Hi to you, too." San says while his mom steps in the middle.

"Honey." She turns to his father.

"So, what was up with that voicemail?" 

"Why don't you tell us what's been going on with you and your so-called girlfriend? Do you even care about yourself or what this could do to your career? You're so careless—"

"So what if I'm careless! You don't even know her so you don't have a right to do that!"

"Are you actually that stupid, San? Do you know how damaging this could be for you, for us?"

"What does this have to do with you?!" San's voice raises. 

"It has everything to do with us! Everyone thinks you either forced that girl into a relationship or she threw herself on you and you stupidly took the bait!"

"Even if I said it wasn't like that, you wouldn't listen anyway!"

"Are you serious about her?"

"What makes you think I'm not? We're two grown adults who are capable of making our own decisions and knew the consequences from the very beginning."

"And you think she'll stay? Someone that young and who is just getting started with her life, basically. You think she'll stay and be there for you when times get rough?"

"Absolutely." His dad scoffs.

"Is that so? Wishful thinking. You couldn't even keep Iseul and now you're downgrading to a st—"

"Hey!" San's mom cuts off his father's statement. "That is enough from you. Don't finish that sentence."

"You have no idea what Iseul put me through!" San's tone is louder to match his father's energy. "I found somebody who genuinely and truly cares about me and who I am. That isn't enough for you? Just because she's a student, but a grown adult at that?! You can't even be happy for a second? You still find a way to be on Iseul's side even though she cheated with my bestfriend!"

"Maybe it's time you realized you pushed Iseul away. That was your own doing. And this girl? Don't come to me and make me tell you 'I told you so' when she leaves after she's gotten everything she needs from you." San's dad is fuming in front of him. "How could you be so sure things will be smooth sailing with her, hm? What makes you think this can work?"

"This is fucking bullshit, I'm not explaining myself to you. If you don't wanna be happy for me and support me, then so be it."

—END

San thinks maybe his dad was right; maybe this wasn't meant to be, and was just supposed to be another fleeting moment, another lesson.

Even though deep down, he knows it's far from it.

As he sits in his home office, he scrolls through old pictures of you and him together— you, pictures you've sent him. He feels the rush of sadness hit him like bricks, his chest almost physically hurting from the ache. He has this sudden urge to text you and call you, tell you how much he misses you.

But, he stops himself.

What if you stopped caring? What if you were so mad at him that you hated him?

He couldn't bear with it.

If only he knew how much you cried and yearned for him every night, if only he knew how much your head hurt while you laid on your mom's lap while she ran her hands through your hair— gently cooing you and shushing you to help you get some sleep.

If only he knew.

"Mom, I'm sorry." You cry and cry, laying your head on her lap as you let everything out. "You were right, I messed everything up. This was all so stupid. I'm so stupid."

"Don't say that." She shushes you and tries to coo you. "Don't ever say that again." She looks at you. "What happened?" You gather the strength to tell her everything that's been going on. How deep your relationship went with San and how well he took care of you. How you weren't always the most careful but the only reason why things blew up was because of Hae-jin, Iseul and Yunho. How Iseul and Yunho just keep trying to get in between, how Jiung even went to Professor Kim about all of this.

How San broke this off claiming he wanted to protect you and put you first.

How utterly sad and betrayed you feel.

"I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I hate how alone I feel. I hate how much I miss him. I hate how this unfolded the way it did."

"I'm so sorry, honey. You need to let things be for now, okay? I know that's not what you wanna hear, but you need to. Especially for school and yourself."

"Why does anyone care? Why does it matter?"

"People have nothing better to do, and I'm sorry it had to be those two and Jiung."

"I'm so tired, mom. When will this pass? What did I do wrong? Why did he leave so quickly?"

"Lovey. You did nothing wrong. It wasn't you at all, and it wasn't San either. The circumstances are just tough. You didn't know it would play out this way and I'm sure he has his reasons."

"What if he's just using that as an excuse? What if he really doesn't want this anymore?"

"If he really cared about you, why would he lie, Y/N? I'm sure he was doing his best to protect you both, especially you. I know it hurts right now, hun. But, maybe this is for the best." You don't wanna hear it even though your mom might be right.

Maybe this is for the best. Maybe this was just telling you this could never work between you two.

No matter how hard you both tried.

San's urge to text or call doesn't lessen as the next few days go by, especially when he notices he hasn't seen any trace of you. He'll usually see you walking towards the biology building for Yunho's class or making your way to the dining hall with the girls.

If San hadn't overheard Sunwoo telling his lab mates that you were sick, he would've gone crazy.

It still doesn't help that you're feeling unwell and he can't do anything about it.

"Sunwoo." San pokes his head out of his door, causing Sunwoo to lift his head from his laptop and shift his attention towards him. "Can you meet really quickly?"

"Yeah, sure thing. Be right over!"

"Thanks." San heads back to his desk and lets out a breath, waiting for Sunwoo to come. It takes him less than 5 minutes to finally make his way into the office, rubbing his hands down his jeans. "Hey." San looks up at him. "Thanks for coming in on short notice."

"No prob! What's up, Professor Choi?"

"I wanted to talk to you really quickly because I wanted you to hear it from me directly. Starting next week, we'll be losing Y/N's support. She'll be heading to Professor Kim's lab."

"O-oh. Okay. Damn." Sunwoo ticks his head to the side. "Professor Kim with the steal." San chuckles a bit.

"Yeah." San can't even hide his sadness when he looks down at the papers beneath his hands that Sunwoo catches on and he feels bad. He still doesn't know the details and he never will, but if it's one thing he can gather right now, it's the fact that the room feels cold and empty.

It's the fact that San literally has to force himself to smile and deliver this news like all is okay and no big deal— when in fact, it fucking is.

Sunwoo feels so bad.

"So, I know she's out sick right now, but will I still get to see her before she goes? I wanna talk to her to wrap things up, too."

"When she returns, we'll make sure she has time to close loose ends with you and gather her things."

"Hm." Sunwoo nods slowly. "Okay."

"I'm sorry this came up so suddenly, but I had to make a few changes around here. We all thought she'd be a better fit with Professor Kim." 

"I see. She's super smart and incredibly great at what she does, I know she'll do well in whatever she does and wherever she goes." San nods.

"Yeah, she will." He sighs. "There's another rotation student that I might bring in next quarter that might be a good fit to work with you, too. His name is Baehyuk."

"Cool. Down to meet whenever the time is right."

"Thanks, Sunwoo."

"No, thank you for always giving me some help and pushing me forward." San gives him a small smile. "Everything will work out."

"Yeah." Is all he could say in response. Because he hopes it will. 

Right now, it seems like a far reach.

All San wants to do is love you, rather than hiding just how deeply in love he was with you.

—FLASHBACK

"Here, baby." He turns to hand you a plate with a smile on his face. "Think you can help me dry the last of these dishes and put 'em up?"

"Course, chef." He chuckles, watching as you tip-toe with nothing but his shirt on to reach over and place the dry dishes into the proper cabinet. You follow suit with the last three dishes, setting the towel aside while San wipes away the water droplets around the sink. "We did it, babe! All clean."

"Sure did." He laughs, caging you in against the counter to kiss you sweetly. "Thank you, baby."

"You're welcome." You giggle. "Thank you for making dinner."

"As long as you enjoyed." You nod.

"What do you wanna do for the rest of the evening?"

"Mm, we can watch a movie and fall asleep here on the couch without any worry."

"That's fun." You smile.

"Or, we can do other things that I have in mind." He brushes the hair away from your face while you wrap your arms around his neck.

"Ooh." You reply in a sing-song tone. "Care to indulge?"

"Absolutely." He says just as he swiftly carries you and wraps your legs around him. You squeal as he walks over to the couch and gently plops you down onto the soft cushions, wasting no time to attach his lips to every inch of skin he can. He slowly hovers over you, hands roaming up your shirt and tugging material along with it as he continues to move upward— exposing your cute pink panties from beneath. He sinks to his knees and pries your legs open after fixing your position to the edge of the couch. "Let me make you feel good, love."

"Yes please, Sannie. Please." You beg, watching as San slides down your panties and tosses them aside. His hands caress your thighs, giving them a good squeeze while laying open-mouth kisses along the surface. You continue to watch him, biting on your lip when he hovers over where you need him at most. He licks a stripe up your folds, causing your head to cock back against the cushion. He begins to gently kiss and suck at your heat— a satisfying, breathy moan leaving your lips as you let San relish being in between your thighs. He laps away at your clit, tonguing down your pussy as if he had been deprived of you for years.

You love/hate how good he is at this. "Babe—" You moan loudly, hips now working on their own terms against his mouth. He subtly nods as he continues to suck and lap away at your heat, tongue keeping you wet and filthy; just the way he likes it. "God, right there—" You whine, hips rolling upward and grinding against his mouth, his tongue. 

You used to be so shy.

Now, you're not afraid to tell him what you want and he fucking loves it. "Oh—San— gonna—" Your statement comes out broken as you continue to work against his mouth, orgasm crashing down like a harsh wave against the shore. You grip his hair, body twitching as San continues to latch on and groan against your pussy; incredibly hard while watching the way your body surrenders all. "Fuck." You whisper, still twitching due to the aftershocks from your first orgasm of the night. 

"That's my girl." He's back to kissing your thighs, hands gently rubbing up and down your leg as a way to soothe you. 

"Need you." You tug him by the shirt to plant a messy kiss against his lips— shirt soon to be discarded on the floor, along with his sweats.

Now you're on his lap, slowly riding his cock just the way he likes it— the couch's throw blanket resting against the small of your back and draped along San's lap.

It's his favorite position after all.

"Mm— just like that, baby." He whispers against your lips as you continue to ride him slowly on the couch. "Just like that." He repeats. "You're my good girl, right? Just mine?" He asks lowly and you nod, letting out a sweet moan as he pinches your nipple and watches your head tilt back in pleasure. "Oh, fuck— just like that." His head rests back against the couch, feeling your walls brush against him and drag against his rock hard cock. "All mine."

"Mm'fuck, Sannie." You keep your head back, intense pleasure bubbling at the pit of your stomach. You take him slowly, deeply; his cock hitting all the right spots every time you do a 'lil tug and pull— hips carefully rolling against him. 

"So fucking sexy." He groans. "God, you're everything." His lips drag against your skin, tongue swirling around your perky nipples as your hands tug on the ends of his soft, black hair. "Everything to me." He whispers as if your skin could hold all of the universe's secrets. The blanket is barely keeping up with your movements. San's hand comes up along the base of your neck, bringing you back down to envelope your lips with his. 

The kiss is full of hunger.

The kiss is slow and steady.

The kiss is messy.

You break the kiss first, body slowly crumbling in his grip when you feel your high approaching quick. You moan loudly, breath ragged as you pant; hips slightly picking up the pace to push yourself further and further until you reach the edge.

"Oh—" San matches your moans. "That's it, sweetheart. Cum for me." He praises you, voice deep— tone sending vibrations all the way down to your core. "Give it to me. Wanna feel you cum all over this dick, angel." Hearing San talk the way he's talking is enough to make your coil snap. He continues to coo you as you come undone on his lap; stuttering in your movements and trembling in his grip. He places his hands on your hips, fingers digging deep into the flesh while he fucks up into you— reaching his high shortly after you with a loud groan and hiss. "Fuck, that was so good, baby." You giggle, forehead against his while his hands gently caress and your back. You leave a tender kiss against his plump lips, and he chases with a few repeated kisses before bringing you down with him on the couch. The both of you lay underneath the throw blanket, now properly covering most of your bodies while San holds you from behind. He has his propped up by an arm while you both watch the show on TV, but San finds his thoughts wandering elsewhere at some point. He begins to look around the house and notices how different it feels since you've been around.

Good different.

A space that used to he so grey, so lifeless; now has remnants of you everywhere.

Your polaroids.

Pictures of you and San in frames.

Your little stuffed animal keychains and rings thrown onto the kitchen island, or the room. Or even his desk in the office.

Your little post-it notes. Your favorite chips and snacks littered around the pantry.

You were there everywhere he turned, and he finds it's one of his biggest blessings.

Especially when you lay here on the couch with him, completely not minding the idea San proposed of just falling asleep on the couch together while sorting through movies.

You agreed so quickly and so happily.

No matter how big or small, most ideas just seemed silly in his last relationship.

But, now he has you— someone who is happy to just be with him and spend time with him. No matter how big or small the idea, the plans.

San loves you.

And he'll never take it for granted.

—END

—read 13.5 here

—taglist: @asjkdk @interweab @woojirang @svintsandghosts @cheolliehugs @persphonesorchid @mxnsxngie @jycas @cowboydk @vcutparis @chngbnwf @struggling101 @sanhwalvr @angelqueendom @barbielibra @brown88 @choisansplushie @yunhoswrldddd @hyukssunflower @vickykazuya @lucid-galaxys-world @jaytheatiny @pommelex @thechaotictheoryy @vixensss @santineez @nopension @domfikeluva @in-somnias-world @my-atiny-kookie-rkive @mountiiny @naoristerling @onmymymyway @thecutiepieme @wyrated

[kenziexoxoxo]

Valentines day for everyone I write for lord help me

Warnings: this is pure smut no real plot this is also gonna be a lot of words enjoy and happy valentines day 😉 @schumi-angel he's somewhere in here he's towards the middle 😭

John Dutton: John is a man of simple pleasures he isn't one for buying into the valentines day shit. So his gift to you is a day in bed with his head between your thighs. "Fuck daddy yes." You moaned your back arching off the bed as John's God send of a tongue worked you over for the umpteenth time that day. He looked up at you his face covered in your arousal kissing your thigh. "Happy valentines day Darlin'."

Lee Dutton: Lee's a passionate man he loves to make sure you know how much he fucking loves you. The day starts out with slow love making then throughout the day he follows you around the ranch like a lost puppy as John gave him the day off to spend with you. That night he takes you to some fancy ass restaurant. He wore a suit which was a rare site but it was like catnip to you. You're both lucky you made it back to the ranch before you pounced on his ass. "I think I need to wear a suit more often." He teased as you rode him nails scratching down his chest the bed creaking under you two. You gave him a look which made him chuckle before he buried his face in your tits.

Ryan: He had no idea what to do for you. He wanted your first valentines day to be special so he asked your father John what the fuck he should which John just smacked him in the back of the head and said "she's your woman figure it out yourself boy." So he took ya for a long horse back ride through the fields even though there was snow on the ground and you froze your tits off. Once you got back you both decided to 'warm up'. A loud banging was heard on her door as her father's voice drifted through the door. "Ryan for fucks sake do not get her pregnant."

Jaime Dutton: Jamie was working on his campaign on valentines day which pissed you off so what'd you do you went to his campaign office in a trench coat with nothing on underneath. You walked past Christina glaring her down as you walked towards Jamie's office opening the door even though Christina was saying he was busy. Jamie looked up seeing you come in he smiled you lock the door and un tied the trench coat letting it fall to the floor. "Now you can keep working or take me home and fuck me senseless." She said hands on her hips. Jamie's jaw dropped let's say he broke the speed limit to get you home.

Kayce Dutton: Kayce hated valentines day thinking it was a waste of time he loved you and showed you every day so he treated it like any other day which made you a little sad his father John had noticed and smacked some sense into Kayce a hard smack to the back of the head does wonders. You were sitting in yours and Kayce's room when he came in tail tucked between his legs. "Listen baby I'm sorry it's just another day to me." He said getting down on his knees as he pushed up your skirt he had many a ways to make it up to you most of it had to do with his face between your thighs.

Anthony Bridgerton: Anthony the dirty basatrd has the day planned out start to finish there's only one thing he wants and it's you naked in bed. He definitely got his way. You woke up to the feeling of someone sucking on your clit you had told Anthony he could wake you up like this as it was fun. You opened your eyes lifting the sheet and blankets to see Anthony's face buried deep between your thighs eating like a stared man. Hearing the blankets move he looked up mumbling a 'good my love happy valentines day.' Against your clit before going back to work.

Benedict Bridgerton: Benedict wasn't sure what he wanted to do but then an idea struck him. Painting you in the nude. He barely out the outline done on his canvas as you decided to tease him slipping your fingers between your thighs and playing with your clit making your back arching off the chaise lounge he had you laying on. The painting was very much forgotten very fast as your moans graced his ears.

Sebastian Vettel: Sebastian was in another country for valentines day as he had a meeting with his team but he made it up to you when he got home he barely made it through the door before bending you over the back of the couch and slamming into you.

Ayrton Senna: Ayrton being Brazilian was an amazing lover both in and out of the sheets. He had taken you to a small island so to not be disturbed as he worshiped your body. He mapped out your body with his tongue having you a moaning mess in seconds.

Alain Prost: Alain decided to get a nice bottle of wine and take you out to the French countryside. In a little cottage he got a couple years ago as a way to hide from the crazy fans. You two got into the bottle of wine and not a spot in that little cottage was not used as a spot to fuck the kitchen counter, the stairs, the bed, the bathroom, the living room there was not a spot that didn't see your naked sweaty bodies.

James Hunt: James oh boy James was excited any day he could spoil you extra without people giving him dirty looks he fucking loved. Today was no different he spoiled you beyond belief. The day ended in your favorite way on all fours with James pounding into you like a feral animal cigarette in his mouth as he fucked you.

Niki Lauda: After Niki's accident he'd become self conscious and hadn't really wanted to be intimate. You were dying to have your husband again. He got back from a meeting with Ferrari and you were waiting for him in a little lace set. He felt a tent form in his pants immediately. You got down on your knees unzipping his pants. "Baby I-" He cut himself off as he moaned from your mouth wrapping around him forgetting about everything else besides fucking you again.

Daniel Riccardo: Danny Ric loves a good laugh so he spends most of his day making you laugh and smile before he has you begging you to cum. "Please Danny please I've been a good girl." You moaned your ass in the air as he ploughed into you from behind. He smirked smacking your ass. "Yes you have but hold on a little longer." He said his thick long Australian fingers coming in contact eith your clit.

Kimi Raikkonen: Kimi although called the ice man is a man who loves and worships his girl. He is not one for holidays though so he treats it as any other day till that night where he'll take melted chocolate and drizzle it over your body licking you clean.

Toto Wolff: Toto is a man who loves to spend money epically on his woman. It's start out small a little gift in the morning and just get bugger and bigger till he probably bought whatever car you wanted and is now fucking you in said car. "Toto yesssss." You moaned as sat in the passenger seat in Toto's lap riding him. The car shaking ad his face was buried in your tits.

Mika Hakkinen: Mika being Finnish isn't one for showing a lot of emotion or talking a lot not unless it's you then he'll talk your ear off. He made sure the day was special his gift to you was finally agreeing to having a baby. "Yeah you want my babies don't you." He growled in your ear as he pounded into you.

Jenson Button: JB loves valentines day and goes all the way out there and I mean out there. Chocolates, flowers, jewelry you name it he gets it. His favorite thing is to fuck you with the new jewelry he bought you watching it shine in the light as he pounded into you.

Lance Stroll: Being a billionaire has its perks one of them is home being able to spoil you rotten whenever the fuck he wants and epically on valentines day. He bought you a new remote controlled vibrator and decides to use it during you fancy Italian dinner in Italy as he flew you guys out for the day. He turned up the the intensity making you squirm and roll your lips together as the vibrations got worse and worse trying to keep your body still as you looked right into hisneyes as you came.

Nico Rosberg: Nico took you to Monaco where he wined and dined you all night and made you feel like the most special woman in the world. The night carried on back at his place as he fucked you against the huge window that over looked the street people below having no idea you were getting railed. "You like this don't you having the chance someone will look up and see you getting fucked yeah you're so wet."

Oscar Piastri: Although he is a quiet man he sure does love to show you how mich he loves you and today is no different he decides to spend his day in between your thighs. "Are *moan* you gonna do this all day?" You asked while arching your back off the bed. Oscar only nodded continuing his work.

Lando Norris: Lando had a full day of being in bed having you in every position he can. He had you in the snail position going as fast as he can his curls a mess all over his forehead. He growled as he came deep inside you. "I hope you end up pregnant." He whispered in your ear before flipping you for doggy style.

Mark Webber: Mark wanted to spend the whole day between your thighs that's what he wanted for valentines day giving you aussie kisses 😉. He was merciless going at it for hours barely letting you calm down before he started up again the perfect gift for him.

Franco Colapinto: Franco was something else he woke you up giving you mate. The day went on and he gave you little gifts all day long. Till that night when he gave you the best gift he proposed so the night ended with you two tangled in your shared sheets him slamming his hips against yours making the most lewd noises he could knowing how much you love when he's vocal.

François Cevert: The Frenchman is a bit of a master of valentines day. The day starts with your favorite flowers and candies before he treats you to an amazing breakfast on bed which turns into slow love making as he whispers praises in your ear. As the day goes on he loves up on you a lot saying he just wants you to feel special on valentines day. Then once the sun sets he has you pinned down in bed the French doors open to let in a nice breeze from the south of France air as he slams his hips into yours in the most delicious way.

Lewis Hamilton: Lewis loves to leave hickies so that's how your day is spent him aucking your skin till it was deep purple pretty much with his marks he even hickied a LH44 down your spine as his hands kneeded your ass.

Carlos Sainz: *smooth operator plays softly in the background* Carlos made sure the day was extra special with pancakes in bed beautiful red roses and slow love making. Smooth operator played in the background as he timed his thrusts with the music. "Feel so good mi amor."

Charles Leclerc: Charles spent most of the day trying to make it perfect for you but like Ferrari's strategy it went out the window. So you two opted to just stay inside and enjoy each other and then welcomed your first child together that November.

Michael Schumacher: Michael was excited for valentines day with you this year why you ask cause he had the whole day planned for you two. He had bought you a matching set in red having you parade around the house in only that all day long before ripping it off you and fucking you dumb. "Yesss daddy right there." You said withering under Michael as he pounded into you he felt himself get harder when you called him daddy.

Jack Doohan: Jack was never much of a romantic never really having been in a relationship besides his ex gf but that was toxic relationship so nothing he did for valentines day was right so he went all out for you hoping he'd get at least one thing right. But your favorite gift was having him all to yourself for a day and getting to cuddle and then fuck till your little hearts content.

Fernando Alonso: Fernando was definitely a Spanish lover through and through your day was filled with sweet love making and amazing food. His favorite putting chocolate on your body and little cut up strawberries so he could lick and eat them off you.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Gibbs is very old fashioned so he bought you red roses and chocolates you two soent the evening in his basement building his boat. Since he had to work that day as always but he made sure he took a lunch break to have lunch with you. And once you both got more and more frisky he fucked you up against the boat.

Tim McGee: Tim wrote you a love letter and left it for you as he had to work. But once he got home his attention was all on you and making you feel good. His long fingers working you over time and time again till you were a blabbering mess.

Dwayne Pride: Dwayne kinda sucked at valentines day but he was trying just for you. He woke you up by covering you in kisses. He kissed every inch of your body like he was trying to mark it to memory so he could never forget you it lead to his face being buried between your thighs for hours.

Kevin Costner: Yours and Kevin's valentines day was spent with you in labor and giving birth to your first child and his 8th. You had started to lactate and while the baby was sleeping you became engorged and he decided to help you out. "Fuck thank you." You moaned as his lips sucked helping relieve some of the pressure in your tits his hips rutted against the bed as he tasted your milk.

Glen Powell: Glen loved to cook so he made you breakfast in bed before taking and making slow and sweet love to you before having to go to set to film.

Ian Bohen: Ian was in the middle of filming the next season of Yellowstone so you two had a little phone sex date instead of seeing each other rin person both finishing together over FaceTime.

Wes Bentley: Wes was a passionate man and loved to fuck you hard and slow epically on valentines day. He soent the day worshipping your body in every way he physically could.

Mike Dodds: Mike had to work most of the day so he didn't get home till late but he was in his dress blues which you loved and almost pounced on him as he walked into the house he handcuffed you as he pounded into you like a mad man.

Silco: Silco was not one for holidays that included valentines day he could careless but he will say he does love the fact that your wore something skimpy that day he watched you all day in a short little skirt and crop top wanting to just bend you over and fuck you so that's what he did he locked his office door and you were bent over having his cock shoved in you in seconds.

[marshemillow]

Just learned about fucking baeddelism.

Was anyone going to tell me that tumblr was the creation site for a literal actual rape cult on the premise of making anyone who is not a trans woman look like The Enemy, or was I just supposed to find that out myself???

Guys. GUYS. Please, holy shit, can we just drop fucking radical feminism already??? There's nothing in it worth keeping!!! Like we're far past the cult score of mormonism at this point, we're WELL into heaven's gate levels of cult, and you still don't realize how wrong this ideology is?????

STOP TRYING TO MAKE "FUCK ALL MEN" WOKE!!! IT'S NOT WOKE!!! IT WILL NEVER BE WOKE!!! IT'S RADFEM BULLSHIT AND IT BELONGS IN THE TRASH!!!

Now, if you actually don't know much about this topic, you might be wondering WHY radfem ideology is so bad, even unrelated to the mistreatment of trans people? Well, remember that men and women are actually not so different. I love the story of the men who wrote the movie Alien who wanted to have a female protagonist, but none of them knew how to write a good, strong female character. So you know what they did? They wrote Ripley as a MALE character, and then just cast a woman to play her. You know why that worked?? BECAUSE MEN AND WOMEN ARE THE SAME!!! We are all just human beings who are born fumbling and making mistakes!!!

It was actually genius, because Alien was created by a man who believes that rape and forced birth are underutilized concepts in horror movies, and having it happen to male characters forced the audience to see the horror of it unrelated to the rampant misogyny of the time that technically persists to this day. It's no surprise to me that the male writers of the movie recognized their weakness in being unable to write a female character and basically life-hacked themselves into it by writing a good male character instead. Nintendo was even inspired by this angle, which is why Samus in Metroid is also a woman!

THAT'S why radical feminism is bad at its core. It's totally valid to have actual androphobia as a result of normalized violence by men against women, I'm sure it happens all the time, but the solution to that problem is NOT to lean into it until you start thinking of men as subhuman monsters incapable of kindness or love. Not only does that hurt men directly, it also hurts women by denying their abuse from other women!!! AND it denies abuse where men are the victims, even by other men and ESPECIALLY by women!!! Not to mention that it completely erases the identities of nonbinary and genderqueer people who exist outside the rigid gender binary.

And don't even get me STARTED on how radfems treat intersex people!!! Holy shit, that could be a whole post all on its own. Intersex people get so little recognition and are violently erased by all aspects of society, even the groups that should be including them in their activism!!! Radfeminism wouldn't be complete without intersexism, eh? They go together like peanut butter and jelly!!!

And one more sidenote is that radfems' first target was butch lesbians. That's right!!! Not even cis lesbians are safe from terf bullshit!!! So much of their ideology is just related to masculinity being evil compared to femininity, which is why even cis lesbians who hate men can still be targets for harassment. (Sound familiar?)

I honestly find it really ironic that so many trans women today still seem to hold baeddel or TIRF beliefs, because the people who suffered the most under the original baeddel movement were trans women. They were the ones who were subjected to heavy cult indoctrination, where they were expected to agree with the cult leaders with unquestioning obedience, even after the leaders raped them. This isn't to downplay the suffering trans men went through because of them of course, but I find it sickening that modern baeddels still act like no abuse even happened because trans women are "incapable of abuse," or even trying to erase the transfem identities of the victims. It's absolutely vile.

Anyway, fuck radfem ideology. If you're a man reading this post, I love you, I respect you, I see you, and I know you ALL are capable of doing good. I appreciate every man who feels inadequet, like they don't count as real men, like they need to bend over backwards to prove themselves to everyone, who feel like they can't cry or show emotion, who are subjected to bullying and harassment for being "sissies," whether under the patriarchy or under the shadow of radfeminism. You don't deserve to suffer, and I hope it gets better.

Remember that we should be hating IDEAS, not people. Feminism should be about equal opportunity for EVERYONE. If you think feminism should be about flipping the script so women are above men, you're doing it wrong.

And just in case the piss on the poor crowd finds this post again...I also hate incel ideology and think it's just as dangerous (maybe more so because of actual male privilege) as radfem ideology. They really are just two sides of a bullshit gender essentialist coin.

It doesn't mean anything btw if you say "terfs dni" but still say all of the same things they do. Just so you know.

[musewrangler]

Unhinged ranting on Ladyhawke

No one---

Me---all right then, here's my apologetic for why Ladyhawke is the best fantasy movie and you need to go watch it.

I will say at the outset that I watched this first when I was ten and so at that age, I freely admit that we can be shaped by truly awful media. We get happy and nostalgic feelings about things from that time. And some of those things pass the test into adulthood and others don't.

But this film still passes with flying colors decades later.

The first reason---and the one I find the most important---is the characters. They utterly nailed not only the wonderful classic tropes, but also the people to play them. Rutger Hauer as our courageous and tragic knight. Michelle Pfeiffer as the stunningly beautiful woman he loves and who is just as keen to save him as he is to save her. Matthew Broderick as the comic relief with heart. Leo McKern as the drunk monk who figures out how to help them. John Wood as the fantastically EVIL bishop. I could go on. But they all play their parts by COMMITTING to the bit and it is splendid.

The second reason---the wonderful story. The plot surrounds two lovers---the Captain of the Guard and the lovely young woman who comes to Aquila for a visit----who are cursed by the evil bishop who is jealous. Here's our fantasy element. He cursed them to be 'eternally together, but always apart'. By day, he is human and she is the hawk. By night, he is the wolf and she is the human. I shall not spoil things from here, but you can guess that the dilemma is how to break this curse.

The setting is Italy and you can tell that the folks who filmed here knew how to find beauty. I LOVE the shots with the hawk flying and the different bits of countryside and wonderful old ruins. We're supposed to be somewhere loosely in the 13 or 14th century and it works.

The one objection that some could make is that the soundtrack features too much of the Eighties acoustic keyboard. And I hear this. On the other hand, A Knight's Tale went for classic rock and we enjoyed that. I can forgive the acoustic bits for the tear jerkingly marvelous music they composed for the love theme and anytime the hawk is soaring. It is seared into my soul and I can picture the knight and the lady so clearly.

And friends---the YEARNING. Oh man. Rutger and Michelle as Etienne and Isabeau are the heart and soul of this. When they speak of each other...when they strive to save each other oh man the suffering. The passion. I CANNOT. I have never seen another fantasy story romance like this one. None compares.

And finally---the climactic scene. Friends. It is---chef's kiss. I want to rhapsodize about it. But that gives away too much. I will merely say that once again--the creative minds behind this were on point with the setting they chose and the way they presented everything. Rutger Hauer acted his heart out and I adore him.

So if you're in need for a truly satisfying love story set in this fantasy world, I wish I could send you a personal copy of this film. Instead, I'm sure you can find it. If you do, please tell me what you thought. If you really hated it though, can I ask you not? It's one of my most beloved and you know how vulnerable that makes one. ;D

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm listening to the soundtrack as I write something else and had to detour to recommend this movie to you all.

[theambitiouswoman]

How do I overcome self-esteem issues in dating?

Growing up, I don't have pretty privilege like some of my girl friends do, and guys normally would not approach me because I come across as "intimidating" (I have a RBF). I've approached guys I had crushes on at school but I always get rejected, they say that I'm better as a friend than a romantic partner.

I thought my luck finally turned around when I met my ex on a dating app. He checked off many things on my list e.g., successful career, financially independent, exercises regularly and takes care of himself. But after several months I realized that he only dated me because he was lonely and it was convenient for him. He didn't want to commit to me when I asked for something serious. I was crushed. I felt like I was undeserving of love and am convinced that I'll never find someone who will accept me as a partner because I'm not my type's type.

I'm trying to pick myself back up again. I started going to the gym, doing proper skincare, eating healthier, and dressing up better to feel good about myself. But I still find myself secretly hoping for the validation of successful and attractive men when I'm in social settings, as if that proves that I am an equal or "at their level".

I'm aware that this mindset is toxic but I'm struggling to find an effective way to grow out of it. Appreciate your thoughts on this.

Hi beautiful girl

I just want to say how much I admire your self awareness and the effort you’re putting into bettering yourself. It makes you stand out in the best way 🤍 It’s so hard to be dedicated to growth when we don’t feel our best. Use this as a building block for your confidence in case no one has ever told you.

Now, let’s talk about this whole “pretty privilege” thing. Yes, some girls might have an easier time getting attention, but attention and genuine connection are two very different things. You’re not looking for surface level validation—you’re looking for someone who truly sees you & trust me, that’s worth way more than a few extra DMs from guys who just like a pretty face who want you for bad reasons. Pretty privilege is not just about looks and I hate how much the internet emphasizes it. Because pretty privilege is also about your confidence and self respect. How tall you stand. How you put yourself together. How you treat others. I see countless girls who aren’t wildly attractive by societal standards who get treated with “pretty privilege” and you know why? Because they are confident.

I totally get the frustration of feeling like you’re “not your type’s type,” but that’s just a story your past experiences have made you believe—it’s not a fact. First of all, men don’t date who they want, they date at the level of their self esteem. I’ve said this many times before and I’ll repeat it. Men literally never know what they want. Anything you hear men say that they do, it really means the opposite. I’ve never seen this not be true. Because men will always cling to a woman who makes them FEEL, since men have so much trouble with emotion. The right person will find you incredibly attractive, not just in looks but in energy, presence, and personality. You already have so much to offer & you don’t need to prove your worth to anyone, especially men who don’t recognize it. So instead of worrying about if a guy likes you, ask yourself if you like him. Learning to disconnect from the approval of others is important for confidence. And if you approve of yourself, you don’t care what other people think.

You’re already doing amazing things for yourself—the gym, skincare, eating well, dressing up—and that’s exactly where your focus should be. Instead of seeking validation, shift the energy into being the woman you admire. And when you walk into a room, don’t wonder if successful men will notice you—ask yourself, Do I even find them impressive? (promise most aren’t lol — you’re going to have to trust me on this) Do they bring the same value to the table that I do? That little mindset shift will change everything.

Become your own biggest fan. Ask yourself, If no one could see or comment on what I do, would I still want to do it? If the answer is yes, that’s self approval. Unfollow or distance yourself from anything that makes you feel like you need to prove your worth. Instead of trying to impress others, focus on whether they impress you. The most magnetic people are unapologetically themselves. Thats incredibly hot. And everyone is drawn to a woman whose life revolves around herself. Seriously that’s all you’re missing!!! You’re doing so great!

Decenter everyone and center yourself!

You’re not behind, you’re not lacking and you’re absolutely deserving of a love that feels easy, mutual, and aligned. Keep growing, keep glowing and trust that the right people will come into your life because of the confidence and self worth you’re building—not because of how much you chase external validation.

Love you, most of these guys don’t deserve you anyway. Especially with all of the work you’re doing for yourself. Too good for most. A man needs to earn you and work twice as hard to keep you. And men love working for something babygirl.

[juchily]

Yellowjackets S3 Ep2 thoughts

spoilers below ⚠️

I'm laughing my fucking ass off, Mari's scared for her life screaming like an NPC and Ben is talking like a coach again... Honestly this has convinced me maybe Ben didn't set the fire (although before now I also have liked the theory other Tai did it, this just solidifies it a bit for me)

The switch from Ben yelling push to Mari and Shauna digging up her dead baby to hold him... Oh I'm crying. HE WASNT THERE WHEN SHE NEEDED TO BE TOLD TO PUSH AND NOW HES THERE TO TELL MARI! AGGH

Shauna burying her baby in a different place, rejecting the miracle and occult ideas of the wilderness the other girls have come to welcome

Misty the simp of all time

Taivan going to but "not going with them" lol they know Misty's just going to be trying to get comfy with Nat the whole time

Van's arms, that's it

Lottie's being problematic about inducing drug psychosis... Who would have guessed

Shauna actually saying something good about her family for once. Damn who knew all it took was for your kid to commit assault for you to start actually loving them

SIX WEEKS, HOW THE HELL IS LOTTIE OUT TF, I can't complain I guess

Lottie they were cruel af for calling psych on you (it's logical but coming from the YELLOWJACKETS it's just hypocritical) but those crocodile tears... The definition of grown ass puppy eyes. She sniffles!

Callie already ride and die for Lottie... Did she forget she SHOT her... Oh wait, I forgot that's literally Callie's dad obv she's ride or die 🤗

Jeff checking to make sure Lottie leaves to the porch before speaking his mind HAH

Van's got some PIPES, Taivan freaky once again everyone 👏

Walter and Misty are so simp4simp except Walter is the one person Misty won't simp for... She's digging her nose into that jacket and springing to attention AS SOON as Shauna calls... Walter can't believe this girl

wtf is up with Walter in that scene where Misty is talking to him. Dude looks like he's grieving, in depression, and scheming all at once I don't even know

Oh yeah Crystal, they didn't have a grave for her either (or mention her) on top of Laura Lee last episode (and before you talk about that theory that she doesn't exist, I'm pretty sure that's easily ruled out as not being possible)

Nat does not wanna talk to Misty... And she sure as hell is trying hard to hate Ben/look like she hates Ben... My Nat and Coach Ben friendship... I'm mourning

Callie's more afraid of Misty than Lottie (valid??) but this is hilarious she's immediately freaked out the contrast is insane

Nat sees the trap (Ben's) and tries to hide it, so obviously she doesn't actually want the girls to know/think he's alive, im wondering if she's found his traps before or not. Maybe she hasn't and that's another reason she gets super surprised

Anyways more Mistynat 😭😭😭 Nat's horrible at lying...

HOLY FUCK VAN'S ARMS 🙇🙇🙇

Wtf are lottie and Travis doing... Lottie stop feeding his psychosis baby 🙏

Lottie is sooo insane this season

Misty is absolutely failing at babysitting Lottie and Callie. Callie wants to get them drunk enough to talk sooo bad. Lottie IS the father

Mari and Ben team up?

Uh I just ate my words.

Anyways

A NOOSE??? Mari is not having a fun time, damn... She's catching Ls left and right

Now who was that in the bathroom???

These start up bros are super weird... And Shauna's catching them on their shit

They have ducks and bunnies 😵‍💫 absolute art

His name is Mortimer? His name is Mortimer!

Oh Travis deserves so much better my baby ❤️❤️

LOTTIE DONT, he needs a wilderness restraining order on her fr...

Why does Lottie make Travis the test dummy for this "communication"?? I'm interested because she isn't acting like this to any of the others, not even Nat (who sort of has the blessing of the wilderness)

Oh well Akilah is NOT safe now...

I KNEW IT! MISTY'S PLAYING THE CARDS IN HER FAVOUR TO GET ATTENTION. Shauna still doesn't like her though lol

Oh my Lord forget the Caligula dance number they FILMED THIS for a tv segment for the TV show...

Question is, what did Lottie spill to Callie while Misty was out cold?

Callie braiding Lotties hair <3

Misty just wants to have toxic one-sided codependent friendships Walter, what's so wrong about that? 🙄

Well Ben might be a bit insane

Ooo who laid flowers at wilderness baby's new grave?

Oh, well Melissa with her stupid ass boy shorts and that pretty crop top, she's so pretty 😍 her poor hat's gone MIA though

I'm gay, Melissa's gay, Shauna's a girl kisser

Shaunahat has to be one of the most interesting things i have ever seen

Oh they're freaky alright WITH THE KNIFE AT THE NECK STILL

Ending thoughts:

Want more Laura Lee... obviously I'm a sucker for Jane Widdop I would love to see them back on the show for flashbacks, but overall just an acknowledgment of Laura Lee this season ❤️

Is Ben insane? Is he hallucinating or actually talking to someone and we just can't see/hear them?

Wtf is up with teen Lottie?

What is going to happen with Callie regarding the Yellowjackets and the Wilderness?

I'm still manifesting a pig blood orgy like those mean highschool girls 🤷

More Shaunahat honestly 😈 , would love to see more teen Taivan

I don't think Akilah is going to be safe anymore after this episode since Travis just put Lottie on her.

[jazzy-art-time]

THEY HAVE ARRIVED AND I AM SOOOO HAPPY YIPPEE A YAHOOO!!!

my phone is NOT doing the colors justice at all. I promise they are much better in person. I sadly do not have Proper Influencer Lighting or Display space, so the wall by a ceiling fan will have to do!

I'm sooo happy with these and how they came out!! I will 100% getting more in the future, including keychains and stuff heehoo SOME RAMBLES ABOUT THEM BELOW/MY EXPERIENCE ORDERING THEM:

I am not a sponsored influencer but I'll speak my best!!

Where did I get these done?: Wooacry! I saw some other artists recommending this website due to affordable prices and the fact that you do not have to order in bulk! This website does a LOT of different things from stickers to photocards to a million different standees to metal coins etc etc! The website is also Anti-AI image and Text so that is a bonus

I will say the process of getting these done was surprisingly easy. The website has a very clear and easy to understand upload system. I am very bad at understanding formatting to these things but it was shockingly easy. They also have many tutorials on how to upload/how to format so there was plenty of steps shown It was really nice! They also use RGB coloring instead of CMYK, in case anyone was wondering! I hate fighting with cmyk coloring filters so that was nice for me lmao I paid $24.93 USD for these (including shipping) They were around 8 dollars each on their own. They had 3 shipping options: standard fast (<- this is the one I chose, which was around 8 dollars) fastest

The standee's ARE see through, not entirely but it is a thing To be fair... its.. clear plastic. I would anticipate that no matter what I was advised by a friend to use a basic background/single color instead of doing anything major on the back. So I did! Honestly I don't personally mind it that much? I do not care about the back of a standee they are facing towards me anyways. but also the website does put a disclaimer about them being see through in certain light. So there is that! In some light it is more noticeable than in others, depends on how bright and direct the light is! But again.. this isn't a issue for me as they are going to be facing me on my desk by a wall

The base for the standee I did NOT make myself, they had a LOT of cool premade ones for you to choose from! And also the option to make your own... I chose the premade one just to be easy.

They came packaged very well and safe. Proper bubble wrap was in place and each piece of the standee had front and back plastic protectors (the ones that you peel off) So they arrived very safe and in perfect condition for me!

As for how long they took to get to me?: 21 Days* I can't honestly complain about the shipping/how long they took. I had unfortunately ordered during a special Chinese New Year week, where they did state things would be delayed due to the holiday. As well as there was a snow storm in my area so they took longer due to that as well So I can't actually complain about shipping or anything? I would have to place another order to see "Normal" shipping/production time.

OVERALL... They were surprisingly cheap The plastic is nice n thick The website was easy to use They came neatly and safely packaged With this order I had zero problems! Which is great 4 me! I will 100% be ordering more when I get the chance! I am so over the moon to have like... physical "merch" of my own OCs. Almost cried because I am a big baby.

If I ever order more stuff I will... I WILL be posting them lmao

[catsvrsdogscatswin]

I've had this thought swirling in the back of my head for a while, but it's finally congealed enough that I think I can make a coherent pitch, which is: I think RWBY's problems with the more vitriolic part of its fanbase partially stems from the fact that RWBY is a deconstruction that doesn't advertise it's a deconstruction.

RWBY's status as a deconstruction is pretty textbook. It takes apart standard fantasy, shounen, and anime tropes in order to analyze them and their deeper meaning and then reassembles them in new and interesting ways for the plot/characters/series. Thing is, it never says that outright in promotional material, which can lead to later outrage in fans.

See, unless their way of discovering new shows is to close their eyes and stab their finger at random, most people tend to choose series to watch/read based on expectations. Maybe a friend said they'll like it because it has [insert thing], maybe they read the summary and were intrigued, maybe they thought the poster/cover art was cool, whatever. These small pieces of information are generally enough for people to make a snap-judgment of the style and genre of the series, which they can then gauge against their personal tastes and decide whether or not they want to try.

Most of the time, this works just fine. Well-written deconstructions also generally give the viewers some warning/buildup before they take a hard swerve. See Madoka Magica: the magical girl paradigm is shaded by the possibility of death as soon as we're introduced to it, then there's an onscreen death with blood, and then a few episodes later we eventually realize the Faustian bargain of it all. Even innocent viewers who stumbled into watching it, unaware of the show's reputation, would go "Oh, wait, this is not going in the direction magical girl shows usually go" by a third of the way through.

The thing is, with RWBY, this does not happen unless you're paying a lot of attention and/or looking for it. And neither the cover art nor the summary nor, I believe, the fanbase gives a lot of warning about the swerves ahead.

In fact, RWBY initially bills itself as a pretty standard shounen anime. The main protagonist is hinted to have Special Powers and gets into the Magic Monster-Hunting School in the first episode, and the first two-and-a-half seasons are taken up by her and her friends' superhero-esque slice-of-life shenanigans as they thwart robberies and terrorist attacks and gear up for a tournament arc against the looming background of a larger conspiracy.

Then in the last half of the third season the villains' entire Rube Goldberg machine of a scheme snaps into completion and the plot twists so hard the entire genre takes a hard right. If you're used to character analysis and common anime tropes, this is not completely a surprise -up until this point, RWBY's character arcs and plot have been subtly traveling in non-traditional directions that hint of greater flexibility in genre treatment ahead- but if you're not... well.

Thing is, people watching RWBY up until this point have signed up for pretty standard shounen and they've been getting it, but the third season's ending smashes that all to bits. From then on out in RWBY, it's like they ordered fries and suddenly got a hamburger. It might be delicious; but it's not what they asked for, what they wanted, or what they paid for, and they are, justifiably, displeased.

So when the reasonable people either adjusted their expectations or sighed, shook their heads, and clicked back out (perhaps with a grumble and a scowl), the unreasonable people dug their heels in and began insisting that everybody was Getting The Show/Character Wrong and that CRWBY is ruining it, because the fact that RWBY's method of deconstruction is to put standard tropes in a blender and then arrange what's left in deceptive patterns means that said unreasonable viewers can scan the bare surface and argue that all the stereotypical stuff is clearly still under there, somewhere.

So they're continually trying to drag RWBY back to the tracks of a typical shounen anime series (it's closest relative), which creates a dissonance between the show they're watching and the show they think they're watching. They're trying to turn the hamburger back into fries, basically, except that doesn't work and just frustrates everyone involved, because you're trying to make RWBY into something that it's not. Hence, this attitude probably starting/fueling some of the more contentious statements in the fandom, i.e.:

"Ironwood was right the whole time" (in most action movies and shounen anime, allied military leaders are trustworthy beyond reproach)

"Adam's character was wasted" (we all know how much shounen loves their powerful warrior antiheroes)

"Ruby and the others are in the wrong about [insert thing]/or for doing [insert thing], and this is bad writing!" (shounen protagonists don't usually make more than One Very Big Mistake over the course of their entire careers, which is usually fixed/overcome/redeemed via an appropriately rigorous training arc)

And to be clear, there's nothing wrong with shounen tropes or shounen anime. They're wonderful storytelling devices in their own way and their own time: but if you want standard by-the-book shounen without any new and interesting concoctions, then RWBY is definitely not the show for you. And most people don't find that out until it's too late.

[fountainpenguin]

Things that happened in Martyn & Cleo Double Life canon:

Cleo hoping to find her soulmate and start a life with them

Cleo dumping Martyn without giving him a chance to explain his side of the story, but hearing him out when he comes to her later

Martyn watching Cleo through his spyglass and telling the audience she seems safe and happy even though he thinks it's weird she's outside at night

Martyn, after he's had time to consider how he wants to play this, spinning a story about trying to be a provider for her and Cleo explaining that she wanted him, not things

Cleo not being remotely impressed by the "I was providing" sob story, lol

Martyn calling Cleo selfish for choosing to be with Scott because she's supposed to be HIS soulmate and he wants a partner

Cleo willing to forgive Martyn if he meets them halfway

Martyn refusing to meet them halfway because he doesn't think he did anything wrong

Martyn screaming about how Cleo's building bridges with Scott but "When will she think about mending our bridges???"

Martyn explaining to Cleo that he doesn't understand why his Session 1 actions bothered them

Martyn centering his character arc and roleplay on trying to win Cleo back without actually apologizing

Cleo giving Martyn a flower and stating that if he loses it, she'll be real cross with him

Cleo chasing Martyn out of her yard because he tried to put an HOA sign on her base and she wanted to make it clear that she wasn't associated with them and their hate for his base (even though she does think his heart base is strange)

Martyn attacking Cleo after she said attacking is a form of affection to her

Cleo setting boundaries with Martyn and explaining what he can do to get her back

Cleo sighing when Scar set her up on a date with Martyn, but taking the chance to talk to him instead of walking out

Cleo genuinely wanting Martyn in her alliance

Martyn and Cleo giggling constantly when they chat

Scar asking if Martyn wanted him to play a romantic music disc for him and Cleo (and Martyn getting excited and saying yes)

Martyn offering to take Cleo's armor and weapons to the deep dark so he can enchant them and bring them back while she stays safe

Cleo gifting Martyn diamonds, expecting nothing in return but not wanting him to die from lack of a good sword

Martyn and Cleo forming a secret alliance that allows Cleo to live with Scott while being on good terms with Martyn

Martyn expressing frustration that Cleo wants to keep this alliance secret because he wants them to be public allies; Cleo softly shushes him when people approach and might overhear

Martyn telling Cleo that she's putting out a lot of mixed signals because she keeps reeling him in and then pushing him away, claiming he is very confused about where he stands with her

Martyn teasing Cleo by punching her off a cliff and accidentally killing her and feeling so bad about it that he apologizes profusely despite roleplaying as someone who refused to apologize for Session 1

Martyn and Cleo immediately threatening Bdubs together when he said hi to them while they were hanging out, sdkfj

Martyn genuinely apologizing to Pearl for dumping her after Session 1

Martyn hiding under Cleo's bed while she defends him from an enderman attack

Cleo offering to let Martyn move into her house after Etho and Joel grief his base; Martyn saying he might take her up on that

Cleo and Martyn agreeing to move out and base together at Box

Cleo trusting Martyn with the location and resources of her red life base

Martyn rushing to Cleo's aid in the deep dark and trying to turn everyone against him instead

Cleo responding to Martyn's panicked shouts for her to eat by opening her inventory to get food (and drowning because she forgot she was in water)

Cleo hanging back and letting Martyn attack Scott while she does nothing to stop him from doing so, implying as much as she likes Scott, she won't kill Martyn (and herself) for him (and/or she trusted Scott to handle himself even though he ran away while Martyn was shooting at him)

Things that did not happen:

Cleo unwilling to forgive Martyn or consider being his friend and partner

Martyn and Cleo hating each other

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk

[icewindandboringhorror]

The "average" person on facebook is so scary lol.. I’ve just seen someone post a status earnestly being like “whew thank god, SO happy to see there are armed security in front of my local Target store now! finally all those nasty thieves can be dealt with! <3” with nothing but complete agreement in the comments, plus people wishing anyone who shoplifts gets shot like "hopefully they're actually allowed to use their guns LOL! ;)" and that getting positive likes and reactions... ??? The whole attitude of "Oh noooo! :( Not someone taking like $40 of stuff from target! :( This is definitely not part of a larger systemic problem and could clearly all be solved if only I were just able to watch them be violently assaulted, which I am REALLY looking forward to because I am very normal and healthy :) God I wish so desperately that I could watch a poor person get gunned down in front of me, I dream everyday about seeing other human beings maimed!! Which again, is a completely normal healthy thing to wish for! :) Thank god I'm not some immoral thieving barbarian! And thank god for Target! :) <3" and that it's normalized enough that nobody in all the hundred comments finds it bizarre at all like.. hewwo..

[buttercupshands]

Congratulations on nothing. I'm back to drawing LoV again after a bit of a break

those are mostly just a redraw practice for fun Toga is a try in "more canon way of drawing" with color practice too

I'm sorry that it's in russian because I have to have some will to localize jokes that came into my head while drawing it

it's like... a robot au??? or something, mostly just a joke "what if AFo just built Tenko and changed what he wanted"

and this is a joke about our 'favorite' 419 plot twist so it's basically just a bunch of joked about AFO failing to get any way to get control instead Tenko's head is not empty. It downloaded games, friends and stuff about being a hero but NOT as a literal hero, more on "villains need help I'm a hero then" way

and yes that text behind is "hands" written all over the place bc I wanted to add hands in handwritten form

[moonchild-in-blue]

Just got here. Tf is happening?

[silverselfshippingchaos]

every now and then I rewatch the part of the h&l live concert in which they performed all the character themes and

absolutely wild how it's h.iroto, the mean quiet scary biker dude, who has a theme that sounds like this

[ourceliumnetwork]

me, the symptoms experiencer, experiencing symptoms: wow gee i wonder what the fuck is happening right now i have no context for why i could possibly feel bad, surely i'm not experiencing symptoms. me, when i figure out it's the symptoms:

[natelia-aldelliz]

Guys... Listen I know I said I'd draw something for valentine's day but I had a bit of a rough week sooooo I'm just going to write it out instead, maybe I'll finish drawing it some day, maybe not. It's behind a show more because it's long.

(also there's talks about having sex but no actual sex, and like, general warnings about Ghost's backstory but it's very vague here).

Soap was hanging around outside, trying to bring himself to do something, anything. But the weather was nice for a February day, and the sun was out, and it was making him feel like a cat basking in the heat.

An arm wrapped itself around his shoulders, a huge body suddenly weighing on him. Ghost.

Soap hummed comfortably. This day was getting better by the minute. Any chill he might have felt from being outside in a tank top out of pure Scottish spite was instantly soothed.

Simon often times saw himself as a cold man, freezing to the touch, hidden behind a layer of ice. A proper little Elsa, Soap almost snorted out loud. The truth was that while yes, his fingers and toes' temperature was sometimes abysmal, especially in bed, the rest of him was the warmest place Johnny had ever been.

"I've got something for you in our room," Ghost whispered against his throat, making Soap shiver.

Simon had begun calling Soap's room theirs a few weeks ago and Johnny couldn't have enough of it. He was so in love it genuinely hurt sometimes to restrain himself from squeezing him to death.

"Is that so?" he purrs, knowing how Ghost likes that. If this day didn't end in sex he'd be very surprised. He'd long learned to recognize when Simon wanted sex and when he didn't, and the way he squeezed his pec in response to his voice was a very easy tell.

But then again Simon was way less subtle than he thought he was.

They made their way back to their room, and there it was, a repurposed shoebox, badly wrapped with cheap wrapping paper. Johnny couldn't be more excited, he had never received any gift from a significant other. To be fair he adored gifting but always felt awkward receiving.

But this was Simon. Something that Simon had chosen to give him.

He sat on the bed, leaving enough space behind him for Ghost to sit there so he could use him as a very comfortable backrest. When he did, he grabbed the gift and began opening it.

He knew that Ghost liked to tear the wrapping paper, liked the sound of it and liked tearing it into the smallest pieces possible after, but he himself loved carefully unwrapping it and folding it flat so he could later maybe do an origami with it or put a piece in his journal. Probably both.

This one was full of tape but he still very much enjoyed himself, considered it a challenge. He enjoyed the chase, wanted to drag it on. Ghost huffed impatiently behind him, a bit tense, probably nervous.

Inside the box was a weird old fashioned clunky thing. It was bright red, looked slightly like binoculars, definitely from the 70's, with a wheel of tiny pictures wedged in the top of it. Memories hit him all at once.

"Oh my god ah remember, my Ma had one of these when ah was a child! My sister and I loved it, it had pretty landscapes in!"

He put it against his eyes, excited to see what this one came with. At his biggest surprise, it was a picture of them. Simon had customised it.

The picture showed the back of himself a bit further away from the camera, pointing at something while in full gear, in a dilapidated town, Ghost's face in the foreground looking at the camera. It looked like Soap was talking to someone, but that person was cut by the framing.

"Wait, ah remember that mission, it's when ah saved Gaz from a landmine just to be shot seconds later," he laughed. "ah spent two fucking weeks in the hospital, ah was miserable. Ye kept joking ah should hiv left Gaz explode while staring at him, he was convinced ye actually wanted him dead!"

Then the next picture was indeed him in his hospital bed, unconscious but the state of his injuries told him he was probably just sleeping at least a few days after his admission, his life no longer in danger. In this one, Ghost was sleeping too, head in his elbow near Soap's head and his other hand holding Soap's hand.

"Who took this one?" Soap asked, moved by the tenderness of Ghost's hold on him in the picture. It would have been right after Johnny had admitted to maybe liking him more than friends, before they were officially dating.

"The hospital one?"

Soap hummed.

"Price did. Said it was for blackmail. Should have seen him, he looked like his child had just married the person of their dreams and had ridden off into a rainbow on a unicorn or some shit. Old man's sentimental as fuck, but I didn't call him on his bullshit, he's already old, that's punishment enough."

Soap giggled in response. The next few pictures were all of them together but each time he was either turning his back or asleep.

"Why the fuck am ah never looking at the camera?" he whined. He wanted some cute couple pictures, dammit!

"Couldn't have you suspecting what I was planning," Simon said, kissing his shoulder soothingly. Only then Soap noticed that he had taken his mask off at some point and turned to ask for a proper kiss, which he immediately got.

"Keep going, there's more pictures," Simon whispered against his lips when he tried to turn around to kiss him some more. His pouting only got him a smirk in response, so he got comfortable again and brought the slide viewer back against his eyes.

He was happy he did. The next picture waiting for him was just Simon in the mirror, almost in full gear, but with one gloveless hand dragging his trousers down so the camera could see the bottom of his stomach, follow along his happy trail and reaching the very top of his pubic hair. The picture cut of his head, but he could see that his mouth was uncovered and he was holding the glove with his teeth.

Soap groaned. "Steaming Jesus, love, you're so hot."

He felt Simon hide his face in the back of his neck, warmer than usual, and chuckled a bit. He loved him so fucking much.

There were four more pictures of Simon, in various suggestive poses and states of undress, some almost showing his cock but never quite committing, making Johnny feel like he was being teased.

He was getting hard though and so ready to be done with the pictures and access the real thing. But Simon was still tense behind him. In fact, he had only gotten tenser and tenser with each click.

Soap was unsure why. They never had a problem with their sexual life, Simon had already changed his mind about having sex after starting and Soap had absolutely no problem with that, was glad to hug him instead and reassure him when he had tried to apologize.

Simon knew that there was no pressure, ever, to have sex. Hell, Johnny would still be happy even if Simon decided that he never wanted to have sex again, and he had made sure to make Simon understand that.

Then he got to the last picture and immediately understood.

It wasn't a picture of either of them, just a little bit of paper, with a few words written in Ghost's awful handwriting.

Just a few words that made Johnny drop the viewer on the covers and turn around to grab Simon's face, worriedly looking in his eyes.

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking for any trace of Simon forcing himself. "Baby, ah'm happy to bottom for the rest of mah life, there's no pressure, okay?"

Simon looked at him with warmth in his eyes and his cheeks completely red, a wrapping bow added on top of his head. "I know," he said simply. "I just want to. I don't want to be haunted by memories anymore. I used to like it, and I want to like it again. With you. Just.... Be gentle, okay?"

Johnny kissed his forehead. "Ah dinnae think ah ken how no tae be gentle with ye, love."