#woke up bc of my alarm and then didnt fall back asleep bc i was hungry of all things.

[nathank77]

4/9/24

7:18 p.m

I passed out around maybe 8 a.m potentially earlier. On the half MG without anything else.

I probably woke up about 4-6 times but I kept my eyes closed and I heard weird hallucinations like screaming or laughing-thats how I know I am about to fall back to sleep........ it's all the same volume but I can still make out what I hear. A scream is still the same volume as a whisper.. but yea I kept my eyes closed despite needing to pee cause I knew I was done for bc of those extra hallucinations.... I don't hear those during the day.

I woke up at 4:45 p.m..... my HSV2 inhibitor test and gonorrhea/chlamydia urine test was today at 4:40 p.m..... I ran out the door... drove to Quest, it's close... thankfully I had an extra pair of glasses in my backpack... I didnt have time to grab my glasses out of my case on my desk before I ran to Quest bc I really wanted to get it done. So this is one of those time where the whole having spare pairs of glasses is really helpful.. they saved my ability to be able to see when I was driving.

Luckily Quest did the tests..... I hate circadian rhythm disorder... I didn't want to open my eyes, I usually wake up to my alarm and I didn't this time. Back before I had psychosis I didn't wake up to my alarms but since Xanax I've been waking up to them almost everyday... when I opened my eyes I truly thought it was like 3 p.m... bc my alarm was set to 3:30 p.m.

My hallucination really is, "happy birthday," "I've got a birthday present," "that's the depressing part," and hearing my own thoughts being repeated which is maddening. I'm starting to regret aligning with it bc it makes it hard to say listen to a song/tv while thinking something out like what I got to do to today, etc... even without other types of chatter..

Anyways I await the results. I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea. I know that hsv2 test was a false positive, yet I'm still worried..

I hit CVS, and then took a shower. I'm home now writing. I have an appt with apple later about my phone number bc it's associated with another account.

I was going to check out some Eyewear places near me but of course with my circadian rhythm disorder, and the time frames its impossible. Maybe I'll start with lens crafters on Saturday and then next week my schedule is less busy and maybe I can make it work.

I'm anxious about oversleeping tomorrow bc of my T-Shot... at 3:45 p.m... I'm so sick of being tied down to this appt every other week. It can't be later than that.... if I could do it myself or have my gf/family/ or anyone reliable do it, I would have significantly less obligations to fulfill every single month. I mean it's a fucking chore. This month alone in total its 3 appts..... it's actually really a huge source of stress. If I could do it myself or have someone else to do it, well I would have had 2 ultrasounds this month, 2 Quest appts, and one dentist appt...

Anyways, maybe I'll game later. Maybe I'll just stare at the TV mindlessly. I got to take a 1MG tonight/tomorrow at like 4:30 a.m so hopefully I can fall asleep earlier and get 7 hours and wake up before 3 p.m.....

I have that stupid dentist appt bc the doctor couldn't see me the day of the cleaning on Friday... I might just cancel and reschedule I need down time. All these optical centers near me close at like fucking 5-6......... it would be cool to be able to swing by a few. They are close together. Maybe I really will reschedule cause like if I go to the dentist, I expect to get my teeth cleaned and see the doctor that same day and only come back if they find a problem...

I still have my ultrasound next Wednesday at 4 p.m on my lower region. I'm worried about that... making the appt. Then them finding something... despite their being no reason for me to think they'll find something.

I just feel like between circadian rhythm disorder, sleep issues, the voice always screaming to get my attention. My constant auditory hallucination forcing me to drown it out and my ocd always being there forcing me to make rules, avoid things, my life is so stressful.

I got my refund back and I can afford glasses. How can I fit going to a few stores locally into my schedule when I'm always going to the doctors and oversleeping...

I have my disability appointment on the 16th at 1:30... idk if I'm just going to reschedule it, maybe I'll take 1 mg and try to make it so the damn thing gets off my fucking to do list and I get my fucking back pay. I'll feel like fucking shit...

Beyond that my arm still hurts from my fall. The x-ray came back clean. I waited until my doctors appt and had her send me in a MRI... it got denied so I sent in the appeal paperwork...

But yea I'm trying hard to stay on the ball, everything is counting against me.

I thought something, what if Elise brings up brendan if I ever run into her. Well if she excessively brings up their plans. I'll assume she's happily married and I will be happy for her but I'll have to cope with that potential of us being together not ever happening.

If she brings up he is with the girls I'll assume nothing. If she says they talked about divorce I'll just listen and say I'm sorry. My jaw might drop a little. That's what I'd do..

Although I don't expect her to show up Saturday. I hope she does.

[dilfian]

just texted out of work

[xnchxntmxnt]

accidentally waking them up...

Fandom: Sk8 The Infinity Characters: s. kaoru (cherry blossom), h. langa, k. reki Warnings: light cursing? lots of fluff. you and langa have a cat Notes: This is for my not-morning people you're welcome gn!reader//no pronouns used

join my taglist

Kaoru Sakurayashiki

You woke up for no reason in the middle of the night, a little irritated that it was 4am and you seemed like you were wide awake

So hoping to relax a little, you went out to get a glass of water

You didn’t want to wake kaoru so decided against just staying out and trying to go back to sleep

However

He woke up anyway because he’s a very light sleeper

You weren’t even out of the room yet when you heard him stirring and turned back around

“(Y/N), what are you doing--come back to bed”

You turn around and can (barely) see he’s pouting

Its kinda cute

Water could wait, honestly

You lay back down under the blankets and he wraps his arms around you

You’re basically stuck

Have you ever heard the word clingy? Tired kaoru invented clingy

“Why are you awake?” he asks and despite having your face buried in his neck, you can just tell how much hs pouting

Have I mentioned he’s adorable

He mumbles something about carla turning on his lullaby (which you as her to because she didn’t hear him) and everything is good

He’s still grumpy the next morning because he didn’t want to be awake

But also slightly worried like a good boyfriend

Give him a kiss and tell him it’s alright you just woke up for no reason

He’ll be fine

Just make sure he gets a kiss because he’s grumpy and clingy in the morning, too

Langa Hasegawa

Cats are bastards

Theyre adorable but theyre bastards

And you and langa’s cat decided to step all over your face at ungodly hours of the night and woke you up

And after some grumbling at the cat with colorful language langa woke up

Unfortunately

He doesn’t exactly go to sleep easily

And when hes up hes up

And usually requires food or water or something to back to sleep

Another pouty one when hes tired

So, because youre mad at the cat and now he’s not going back to sleep anytime soon, you decide to get up and go make something to eat

You two probably just eat a ton of hot pockets at like 3am its just a very langa thing to do

But while youre waiting for you hot pockets to cook, youre dancing around the kitchen to silent music, swaying back and forth in each other’s arms

Maybe he’s humming something in your ear, you’re not quite sure

But its peaceful

Until you forget about the microwave and it goes off loud, making you both jump and start laughing at yourselves

Reki Kyan

Just imagine bc this is my alarm clock okay

Its just like. Regular alarm clock. That you can set to go off to a different time if you want to wake up later. But you cant set several different alarms like you can on a phone

So

You kinda forgot to change the alarm from going off at 6 to some time in the afternoon so you didnt have to wake up at way-too-early hours on a weekend

So when you have to wake up at 6 on a saturday for no reason other than forgetfulness youre not exactly happy

You and Reki are like

Between asleep and awake? Because you wake up to turn the alarm off but neither of you wanna get up yet

But you cant fall back asleep

So you just lay there

All curled up with him

I think he’d bounce back and forth between asleep and awake but hes never deep asleep

But when he is he has like a death grip around your waist and his face is buried in the back of your neck and you can hear him snoring quietly

And when he’s awake hes running his thumb over your stomach under your shirt because cold hands + warm tummy = warm hands

And once in a while he mumbles a little sleepy “i love you”

Neither of you have any idea what time it is after that, its just quiet and content

taglist: @astroqphillic

[nikrangdan]

lovestruck!enhypen x reader

pairing: lovestruck!enhypen x reader

genre: FLUFF fluff Fluff

description: how enhypen would be if they became lovestruck by the reader ☹️☹️ this is such an adorable request!!!! itll vary for each member ur relationships so you’ll either be strangers or already dating etc.

a/n: idk if all of them are lovestruck exactly bc i just got carried away with the fluff for some of them and idky maknae line revolves around sleeping BUT IDC sleepy!enhypen is the best 😁

———————

HEESEUNG

u worked at a pretty popular clothing store

and well well well heeseung had shown up dressed very much your style so u were like

Wow who is this guy....

he was alone just looking around

and there were like 10 other people in the store but u wanted to talk to him so bad so u went up like

“hi, welcome! are u finding everything okay?”

he was looking through a rack of shirts and turned around when he heard u but WOW

when this man turned around he looked even better in person u couldnt believe it 😫

BUT IT SEEMS HE FELT THE SAME BC U SWEAR HE BECAME SO FLUSTERED WHEN HE TURNED AROUND

his eyes got so wide u almost laughed it was so cute ☹️

he stuttered and was like “oh um im okay”

Aw man

but u said “okay then! let me know if you need any help finding anything or if u wanna use a dressing room!” and u sent him ur nicest smile u could give

his eyes were still kinda wide open and u gave him one last look before turning around😢😢

BUT THEN HE SAID SOMETHING

“w-wait! actually.. um....uh.. do u.. do u guys have sweatpants..?”

u giggled to urself on the inside bc u knew he just made that up on the spot

“we do! here, follow me”

while u were showing him the clothes u guys had exchanged names and had some small talk

and that was the start of something very Beautiful

and since then he has been coming almost everyday to visit u at work 🤗🤗

JAY

jay swore he found new things about u to love every single day

and today wasnt an exception!!!!

u knew jay had been really tired and just worn out from work recently so u had decided to make him his favorite meal for dinner

a nice little surprise for when he got home ❤️

and also the anime he was watching ready on the tv for u two to watch together :(

u had literally been preparing all day and u even decided to go out and buy dessert too

AWESOMEST PERSON EVER U ARE!

it was 8pm already and jay should be getting home now

u set the table all neatly and put on one of his sweaters

AND WOULD U LOOK AT THAT HE GOT HOME AS SOON AS U WERE DONE

Fate 🔥🔥

romantic stuff like this wasnt really ur forte so this was out of the normal for u

but u wanted to do something for jay because he did stuff like this for u alot

the table isnt in view when u walk into the apartment so he wasnt able to see his dinner yet

“hi” you smile brightly and go up to hug him and give him a little kiss

he had his bad slung over one of his shoulders and he was taking his shoes off in the doorway after he closed it

“hey.. it smells pretty good in here” he gave you a tired smile while one of his arms was wrapped around your waist

“really? it smells normal to me” you giggled before walking to the kitchen area together

he stopped and looked at u with LITERAL HEARTS IN HIS EYES when he saw the table

jay: ❤️_❤️

“y/n..”

“surprise!!! you know im not good with words but i wanted to show you that i can cook” you laugh “and that i love you very much and im so proud of you”

jay doesnt say anything but instead drops his bag on the couch and gives u the Biggest Hug Ever

ur face is practically smushed in his chest and his hand is resting lovingly on ur hair :(((

he loves u so much im so sad

JAKE

“layla!!! layla where are you?” jake was yelling quite loudly in the massive park he was in the middle of

yeah jake lost layla.. uh oh

quite a coincidence you found the cutest dog you’d ever laid eyes on

and she seemed to love u very much

the dog had made u topple over and now she was excitedly playing with you while you were sat on the ground laughing to your hearts content

after a minute of playing you had got up because you knew she was somebodys lost dog and her owner was probably looking all over the park for her

“okay.. lets go find your owner before they have a heart attack” you giggle

just as you said that though, you heard a boys voice yell “LAYLA!!!!”

the dog next to you looked in his direction, tail wagging and tongue out, but she didnt move an inch from her spot next to you

it made me you laugh out loud

as you were watching the boy run up to you, you noticed how cute he actually was

Omg..... ur heart started beating a little faster

“hi..” the boy hunched over with his hands on his knees breathing very heavily “you have my dog”

“uh yeah” you laugh “sorry about that, she ran over to me a couple minutes ago and i was just about to go find her owner”

“its okay, thank you..” he trailed off to find out your name and finally looked up to meet your eyes

“y/n” you told him

“y/n” he repeated with a small grin on his face “im jake”

“hi jake” you lightheartedly give him your hand to shake and he chuckles before taking the offer

“and it was nice meeting you layla” you crouch down to meet her level and she licks your face making you fall on your butt

you laugh and jakes quick to help you up

“layla! thats not very nice” he jokingly scolds her and pets her head

after u got up u bid goodbye to the two before jake invited u to continue walking around the park AND HE EVEN BOUGHT U AN ICE CREAM

Is This A Date, Jake? 😫😫❤️❤️❤️❤️😳😛😛

SUNGHOON

“you should be more careful” you scold the boy sitting with you standing between his legs

sunghoon had apparently gotten elbowed in the face by his friend and scratched by his friends cat on accident????

“it wasn’t my fault! he turned around and i just happened to be in the way. and i didnt even do anything to the cat!” he whined

“i didnt say it was your fault. i said to be more careful.” you tried to sound stern

u knew ur logic was making no sense but u just thought it was so fun to mess with him

he let out a sigh and gave up, slouching over again

you were stood between his legs, wiping the blood away and applying ointment

“im just kidding, you’re so cute” one of your free hands comes up to rub his hair

a small grin pops up on his face and his arms come to rest on your waist

he looks up at you while you focus on tending to his wounds

and u guessed it WITH LITERAL HEARTS IN HIS EYES

❤️_❤️

“you know y/n” he begins

you hum in response, letting him know you’re listening

“im gonna marry you one day”

you freeze in your place

it took you a minute to collect yourself because you felt like your heart almost leaped out of your chest

“who says?” you joke

he leans up to give you a quick kiss on the lips before sitting back down

“me.”

SUNOO

you noticed sunoo had been really tired lately and u just wanted to make him feel better :((

the boys were going out and invited you two obviously but you could tell sunoo was iffy about going

“uhh..” you trail off and look over at sunoo who was laying on the couch

“you know what guys? i think me and sunoo are gonna stay home today.. you guys have fun though!” you bid goodbye to the other boys and they all understood and left

you dont even know if sunoo knew they had left already because when you walked over to him his tired eyes were glued on the tv

“hey” you leaned against the couch and looked down at him

“y/n? are we going soon?” his eyes move to the top of his head to look up at you

you start laughing and he literally goes 🤨???

“silly, they already left! so what do you wanna do?” you plop down next to him and he was in the process of sitting up

“what? when did they leave...” his mouth drops open

“like 2 minutes ago” you giggle, leaning back to rest your head

sunoo had sat still, pondering for a moment

“why did they leave us?” he turned to look at you

your eyes met his “well i figured you didnt wanna go... you didnt, right?”

he slowly shakes his head “how did you know?”

you give him a sneaky smile and jokingly push his arm “because i know you so well”

he laughs at this and leans his head on your shoulder

“wow y/n.. im impressed” he grins, snuggling into your arm

your other arm crosses over to pat him on the head, leaning your head to rest on top of his

“but thank you y/n..” his eyes slowly close to rest “im thankful for all the little things you notice about me”

u literally go 🥺

your hand goes down to squeeze his and he falls asleep peacefully on ur shoulder ☹️☹️☹️❤️

JUNGWON

“y/n..what is that” jungwons eyes can barely open as he tries to comprehend whats going on while hes waking up

you haphazardly tap around the bedside table trying to turn off the new alarm you set last night

and that new alarm was jungwon singing 🤗

“its you, dummy” your eyes were still closed but you turned to face jungwon and snuggled closer to him

“wha- where did you even get that???” he was almost fully awake now, staring down at your half asleep figure

you yawned before answering in your i-just-woke-up-and-i-should-probably-drink-some-water voice “remember when you sang me to sleep last week? yeah i was secretly recording you. no biggie” you pat his chest twice and leave your hand there, content with life at the moment Lol

“y/nnnn” he whines “change ittt i dont like it”

“you’re kidding.” you deadpan, shocked he would say such a thing!!! “jungwon you sound like an angel threw up on a field of flowers full of puppies and kittens! okay thats kinda weird maybe not that”

jungwon giggles a little and sits up so he can sit against the headboard while your head rests on his lap

“you like my singing that much?” you can hear the smile in his voice as he asks you

you finally pop one eye open to look up at him, a goofy grin in your face

“i love your singing”

his hands run through your hair and you let out a sigh at the feeling

jungwon doesnt say anything

all he does is admire you

you can feel his eyes on you so you open your eyes again (both this time🙏🏼) and meet his eyes

“i can feel you staring straight into the depths of my soul, jungwon”

he laughs at this, bring his other hand up to pinch your cheek

“i’ll sing for you whenever you want me to y/n”

NI-KI

“shut up sunghoon, hes sleeping” you whisper-scolded the boy

ni-ki was currently asleep on you

literally SPRAWLED all over your body and you were basically mummified

by nishimura riki

his legs were tangled in yours, his head shoved into your neck, and his arms were bent around you in ways you didnt know were humanly possible

“you literally have an alien taking a nap on you y/n” sunghoon deadpans before walking out the room

“when you’re asleep sunghoon i will send you into a spacecraft for the rest of your life so you can go see aliens for yourself”

“wowww im so scared y/n” the boy remarks and shuts the door

you half laugh and half scoff before turning your attention back to the ipad screen sitting on the bed infront of you

well

kind of infront of you because ni-ki’s acrobatic position was basically blocking the view

you were having a decent time watching the show playing, definitely not the most comfortable person on the planet at the moment

until you felt the body on top of you.. rumble?

you knew that feeling

ni-ki was laughing

HOW and WHY the hell was he laughing ?!!?!!?!

“what the hell?” you look down at him and his face is shoved near your shoulder but you caught a glimpse of his big smile

his laughter gets louder and you still dont have answers yet

“why are you laughing???? i thought you were sleeping?????” you try to push him off you but he was persistent in laughing in your shoulder (??)

after a couple minutes of you just letting this happen

ni-ki finally speaks!

“you’re so funny y/n” he finally pulls away from you and wipes his tears

“what are you even talking about... and how long were you awake, you sneaky kid” you poke his chest

he leans down again to hug your waist and start cuddling you again

“10 minutes”

“so you’re telling me i could’ve freed myself from that god awful demon EMBRACE you had me in 10 minutes ago???!!”

ni-ki starts laughing again and looks up at you

“thank you for threatening to send sunghoon to aliens for me y/n” he grins

you laugh, finally understanding what the boy had been going on about

“sunghoon deserved it”

[urbfsecretgf]

The boy next door. (pt2.)

a/n: no one asked for more but im just gonna keep posting as i write bc its fun :)

(everything is made up including names, family members and text messages)

_________________________________________________________

you look at the message from vinnie and smile.

"what are you so smiley about y/n?" you mom says in a jokingly way

"she met a boy at the ice cream shop" jack says sounding annoyed

"soooo whats his name, is he cute, how old is he, where does he live, i wanna know everything"

your mom has always been a little nosey when it comes to boys, especially ones that make you smile.

"mommmmmm" you say

"oh come on i just wanna know"

"okay fine" you give in "his names vinnie and he lives next door, he came into the ice cream shop while we were waiting and he complimented me on my ice cream choice"

your mom laughs and says; "he seems like a very sweet boy, why dont you invite him and his family over for dinner tomorrow?"

"we arent moved in fully yet mom" jack interrupts

"oh vinnie offered to come over tomorrow and help move stuff in, you can invite him and his family over for dinner when hes here if you want to"

your mom sits and thinks about it for a second. she's never liked asking for help "you know we could use the extra hands, if you want to text him and see if hes willing to come over around 10 and help unload boxes that would be wonderful. i'll make lunch too depending on how long it takes"

"YES!" you scream in excitement, "i'll text him right now and see if he can. love you mom!"

you run upstairs and let out a squeal. you where so excited to see your dream boy again.

you text vinnie and throw your phone on your bed.

"oh shoot!" you yelled. "if he does come over i have to clean my room i can have it look like this." you look down at your floor and see all the laundry scattered everywhere.

"im such a mess"

you put on your favorite playlist and start dancing while you clean your room.

*BZZ*

"mom! he said hes coming over tomorrow!"

"sounds good!"

you keep cleaning your room but eventually fall asleep because you had a long day today.

when you woke up you checked the time.

"ITS 10:45??"

your alarm never went off causing you to over sleep.

"i havent showered, i havent gotten ready, i havent done anything! and my room still isnt clean UGHHHH!"

you quickly throw on a pair of pajama bottoms and a crop top you found in your closet, you put dry shampoo in and throw your hair into a bun.

you grabbed your glasses and run down stairs.

"well good morning sleeping beauty" vinnie says to you staring at you.

"OMG YOU'RE HERE!"

"yeah you told me to come over... your mom is an amazing lady i must say, i also didnt know you wore glasses"

"MY GLASSES NOOOO!" you panic realizing you didnt have time to put your contacts in

"calm down its okay y/n. i like them." vinnie smiles at you.

"his smile is so pretty, and his eyes, wow." you think to yourself.

"y/n?" your mom says

"huh?"

"you okay? you zoned out for a second"

"OH yeah no im great." you realize you zoned out while staring at vinnie who was in a white tank top and is wearing a baseball cap. you couldnt stop yourself from starring.

"hey mom.." jack says "i found this in with the books"

you look at jack and realize hes holding your old bra

"JACK THATS MINE STOP" you gasp. oh boy that's embarrassing.

vinnie starts laughing and looks at you.

"stop laughing"

you're so embarrassed that he just saw that.

"dont worry y/n its okay. my dog had my boxers on her head after she went snooping in my room."

you can't help but to laugh a little.

the thought of seeing his dog with his boxers on her head is something you would pay to see.

"alright so is there anything else you would like me to move Mrs. Anderson?" vinnie asks your mom

"i dont believe so unless y/n or jack has anything to move" your mom looks at you and your brother waiting for a response.

jack breaks the silence and goes "nope, i think everything is in my room already."

"y/n do you have anything you need help unpacking or anything?" he looks at you and his eyes are this beautiful chocolate brown color.

"yeah i do actually."

vinnie and you head up to your room

"im sorry its such a mess i was trying to clean it last night but i must have fell asleep."

"don't worry about it, my room is way worse than this"

he reaches for a magazine he sees and giggles

"whats so funny? HEY PUT THAT DOWN!"

he laughs and sets it back down

"you know i think its cute."

"whats cute?'

"you, everything about you."

you roll your eyes and smile

"you're dumb Mr. Hacker, but you're cute as well"

"thank you Ms. Hacker."

"what did you say?"

"huh? nothing, anyways is that all you wanted me to help with?"

"yeah thats it thank you."

vinnie walks downstairs and you follow.

your mom is in the kitchen with your brother.

"oh vinnie before you leave, would you and your family like to come over for dinner tonight?" vinnie looks at you and then at your mom.

"i think they would be delighted to come over for dinner tonight Mrs. Anderson, i'll text them right now."

you go into the living room to watch some tv. vinnie follows and sits next to you.

*BZZ*

vinnies phone goes off

"they said they would love to come over, do you have a time in mind on when they should come over?"

"does 7:30 work?"

"that will work just fine."

looking at the time you realize you and vinnie have spent 5 hours together already.

"i should probably get heading home, i have to shower and get ready for dinner tonight, see you then everyone!" he kisses your cheek and heads out the door.

"bye vinnie see you tonight!" your mom and brother exclaim

"what a sweet boy" mom says

*4 hours later, 7:00 PM*

"Vinnie and his family will be over in 30 mins please make sure everything is ready and make sure you guys are ready aswell"

your mom has always been one to make sure everything and everyone looks good before any guest come over.

the door bell rings.

"y/n!! can you please get the door?"

you rush downstairs and open the door.

"hey y/n, wow you look good"

you curled your hair, put makeup on, and are wearing your nice fancy dress.

"hey vin i could say the same thing about you."

both of you are dressed up very nicely. he's wearing his blue suit and has his shirt buttoned down showing chest tattoo.

something about his tattoos drive you insane. you love them.

he introduces his family to yours

"i never knew you had a twin brothers." you say as your brother and his run off to the backyard.

"yeah they are a real pain in the ass"

"i know what that's like"

the two of you laugh

"this is a beautiful house you have jackie and you have 2 beautiful children as well" vinnies mom says to yours

"well thank you sandy im very blessed with what i have gotten in life, your 3 boys are such angels especially vinnie here. hes been very helpful today and i really appreciate it."

he smiles at your mom and then at you

"dinner was amazing, thank you for inviting us over and introducing us to your family, we are going to have a bbq here this weekend if you guys want to join." vinnies dad offers

"we will be there"

"awesome, well we best get going its late and we both have work in the morning, thank you again."

"yeah anytime! thank you guys for coming."

you say goodnight to vinnie and his family and head upstairs.

*BZZ*

New Message from Vinnie <3: you looked absolutely stunning tonight

To Vinnie <3: thank you vin, you looked very handsome tonight as well i must say, you look handsome every night tho.

From Vinnie <3: you're cute, goodnight luv sleep well :)

you set your phone down and smile. hes truly the best guy you have ever met.

[rueren]

𝔰𝔩𝔢𝔢𝔭𝔶 ~ 𝔒.𝔗𝔬𝔯𝔲𝔲

toruu takes you shopping bc u deserve it and cause why not, but he’s really tired and can you honestly blame him with how hard he works ???

＊＊＊

pairing : oikawa toruu x reader

wordcount : 1074

warnings : none but maybe soft toruu should be a warning of itself, hes too precious

genre : fluff 

notes : #not edited oops #in this house we die like men 

 im soft for toruu rn someone help 

“wanna come in?” you questioned.  oikawa smiled up at you through his bangs, as he sat on the plush chair in the corner of the fitting room lobby next to your room.

“take your time, show me what you need opinions on”

“please, after the plaid shorts fiasco i’m not sure i want it,” you teased, leaning down to look him in the eye.  His eyes widen a retort on his lips but after the lopsided grin appears on your face, it turns into a pout and he turns away, arms crossing against his chest.

“that was one time, and we were in highschool! You’d think you would have let it go by now, sheesh.”

your laugh rings in his ears, and he realizes that he if there was a way he could bottle that sound and keep it on his person forever, especially when he was overseas at matches, he would do so in a heartbeat. he feels your fingers cupping his face, palm pressed against his chin, tilting his pouting face up towards yours and he softens. one of these days you were gonna kill him not that hes complaining 

“i’m never letting it go,” another grumble almost tumbles from his lips before you press a chaste whisper of a kiss to his, turning into the fitting room, “alright gimme a sec babes.” 

after what felt like too long for you to try on whatever outfits you had in your hands, you step out of the change room, you find him slumped against the wall.

your lips tug upwards, seeing his arms folded tight against his chest again, almost hugging himself, and his phone on his lap from where it fell out of his hand. he’s got his head propped up in the corner where the two walls meet, falling over a bit, with his hair falling into his eyes, and his mouth open the slightest bit. one knee knocked against the wall and the other following suit, he’s curled into himself for his nap.

he’d only just fallen asleep a moment ago, after you showed him a top you weren't sure about (he absolutely adored the color on you, his hands reaching out to your waist making your face heat up.  how he managed to make you feel this way even after being together for so long was a mystery) so when he hears the shuffling of you grabbing his and your bags, his eyes flutter open, trying to pretend he was awake the whole time.

“ready to go, babe?” his groggy voice gives him away, and you pick up his phone and tug on his wrist. at the cash, he’s hovering at your back as you pay (much to his whiny protests from earlier, you’d insisted on paying for yourself today, if only from one store. that’s all he’d allow, if you kept insisting on this. “i don’t see why you need to pay for it,” his bottom lip jutted out slightly, hands shoved into his pockets. “you know i’ll do it. i want to, please just let me.” “ that’s exactly why i want to, toruu” “oh my god, you’re so stubborn.” “says you,” “...fine, one store and that’s it.”)

he’s got his fingers dancing at the hem of your shirt. as much as he wants to just to go home and shove his face into your neck and let the smell of your shampoo and the rhythm of your heartbeat lull him to sleep - only for a short while. he could spare that much, right? he’d wake up extra early and train super hard tomorrow to make up for it - he knew you wanted to go out today. it was his suggestion, to begin with. he knew how patient you were with him, how he’s always off training, or sponsorships, or doing one thing or another. he wishes more than anything he could be more present, with his hectic schedule. so he took you out today.

as tired as he may be, he couldn’t say he wanted to go home now. he could tough it out a little while longer. for you. you deserved it. your so so good to him, he could tough out a few more hours.

you take a step back and press into his chest, and not a second later you feel his forehead thump against the crown of yours. a low hum comes from him as you turn around facing him. his eyes are droopy, the bags under them not hiding anything.

hands outstretched, he’s reaching to get your bag for you. he’d already pried the other ones from your hands while you were paying if only to distract himself from reaching over and replacing your card with his.

“where too next, love?” his fingers lightly graze your before lacing them, “or are you hungry? it’s been a while since we ate. want anything??” he’s too sweet for his own good, when he’s not being sassy anyways.

you tug him along and when you don’t turn right to the next store or the food court, he gets confused. once the mall doors come into view, he feels bad for feeling this sweet tightness in his chest, realizing what your doing.

“babes, what are you doing?” he’s feigning innocence. “you need a nap, toruu. more than a nap.”. he’s digging his heals into the floor. or more like trying to, but since the waxed glossy mall floor doesn’t give much traction, he’s basically getting dragged. you’re both giggling at his antics, all while his protests are coming out as less convincing than he intended them to be.

he swears up and down through yawns that he’s fine, that hes not tired at all, that there’s still a bunch of stuff you guys gotta buy, but you force him into the car and into bed when you get home.

when his alarm for one hour blares, you turn it off before it wakes him up. begrudgingly, you sent a different one for another 2 hours (he’d be more frustrated that you didnt wake up at all than if you woke him up a little bit later than intended).  he deserved a more than one hour nap. his face pressed into you chest, he’s got a leg strewn over your thighs, and both his arms wrapped around you. his soft breathes are barely heard under the hum from the heater pumping through the apartment, but every now and then he lets out a sigh that tugs at your heart strings.

the alarm stirred him a little but your hand is in his hair, hushing him back to sleep. your sweet nothings ring in his ear and he nuzzled his face farther into your chest, smiling slightly.

he definitely deserves more than an hour.

＊＊＊

[bookersebastien]

woke up before my alarm today and just decided to chill in bed until it goes off and im glad i didnt fall back asleep bc apparently its off

[dreamcatcherjiah]

Hey lovely i realised you were taking requests still...i have a bit of a dramatic one so i dont mind if you dont wanna do it so i have anxiety and depression and when i am feeling really down i sometimes dont answer my phone there was a situation where i was overseas for work and bc of being far away from my bf i got rly depressed and didnt answer my phone and he panicked and nearly flew out to me would you mind recreating that situation with yoongi (seeing he deals with mental illness too)?

Hello love!! Thank you for requesting 💖 For this drabble I’ve drawn from personal experience of how I felt a while ago, so if this is not what you had in mind I'm sorry love. If you feel the need to talk to anyone, please reach out to me, I can be a listening ear or just be there 🥺💖

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Word count: 1.7k

TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

When your boss told you about the business trip to Germany you were so excited you immediately texted Yoongi. This was a huge opportunity for you, enough to shake you out of the new slump you had found yourself in. The trip in and on itself was a piece of cake. You would fly out to Germany a Sunday to be there by Monday, manage a couple of new transactions and write a report for the CEO and fly back by Friday. Simple. Yoongi was ecstatic, so happy about this new opportunity that he couldn’t stop bragging about his wonderful girlfriend who had been promoted and would be travelling the world in no time.

This bragging was endearing and so you had been telling yourself since you told him the news; the problem was that you couldn’t help the tingling at the back of your head telling you that spending time away from him wasn’t what you wanted. You already spent a huge amount of time away from each other when he was on tour, but now you were the one flying away from him, alone, to a foreign country. You didn’t even want to start thinking about how much you would miss him, even less the whole week you would be sleeping alone in a strange hotel room. 

Busy with packing and organising documents you just set your phone in the kitchen table and went about your apartment picking things here and there, double and triple-checking if you had everything you would need. Your laptop and phone were inside your little carry on bag and so was your phone charger. The one you couldn’t find was the laptop’s. You put everything upside down looking for it, looking even under the bed, only to find it rolled and tucked in a corner of your suitcase. The sunglasses were in your bag, so was your lip gloss and your purse, all your credit cards and your ID, your passport. You were double-checking everything again when you heard the code being punched in the keypad. Waiting just a little longer, you heard the pit-pat of Yoongi’s feet against the floor getting closer and closer to your room. 

“I should have known you were packing,” he said, hugging you and leaving a soft kiss to your cheek, “you weren’t answering your phone.”

Giving him a guilty look you apologised for worrying him and kept on packing while he showered. That night you were laying awake waiting for the alarm to ring while Yoongi snored away on the other side of the bed. You would miss him so much, his soft snores and the little pout he made when he slept deeply. Noticing the numbness enveloping your head again, you turned your whole body and buried your head in Yoongi’s chest. He was the best buffer against your darkest moments. 

Before going to the airport and against Yoongi’s moaning — “you have checked this already a hundred times, love.” — you checked everything again, turning off the electrical appliances and closing all the taps. You were really bad at saying goodbye and your boyfriend did know that. With a sweet kiss and several whispered I love you’s you took the taxi to the airport and silenced the tiny voice in your head that was trying to list every single thing that could go wrong. 

Conference after conference you noticed how your brain got slower. You were alone all the time while you managed to do your job by keeping yourself busy and not thinking much. You arrived at your hotel so late at night that the only thing you had the strength to do was showering and dropping on the bed to try and get some sleep. 

You were missing Yoongi so much it physically hurt but you didn’t want to call him. He was three times as busy as you were, even forgetting to eat or sleep if he got too hooked in producing a song. Calling him and telling him you were feeling numb again and that you wanted to hold him and never let go would only worry him. When he called there were two possible scenarios; you either felt guilty for not picking up and worrying him further, or you felt a sudden rush of tears filling your eyes seeing how you longed for him to be there with you. The slower the days passed, the stronger the urge to bury yourself amongst the blankets in the hotel bed and sleep grew. By Wednesday it took you nearly half an hour to convince yourself to pull your body out of the bed. Yoongi had given up calling and started flooding your phone with texts since he woke up until he finally fell asleep quite later than recommended. You were making him worry and that made you feel worse. 

You found yourself getting distracted from the most insignificant task with memories from the first days of your relationship, how shy Yoongi was and how he wouldn’t call you after a day afraid that he was being pushy. The day he had opened up to you about how he felt and you both cried when you found out you had more things in common than met the eye.  On Thursday your boss called you out for being absentminded in the middle of a meeting, he had caught you daydreaming about what Yoongi would be doing back home. You wouldn’t know even if he was already awake because you had switched off your phone, overwhelmed by guilt, nostalgia and the numbness on your head that didn’t let any rational thought go through. Missing him, the crushing sadness and the tight knot in your throat were making it difficult to breathe and function properly. When you got to your hotel room that night, slipping off your shoes and checking your work email on your phone, a notification pops up and you frown, opening your personal email.

Min Yoongi

To: yn-yln@xmail.com

Subject: I am desperate.

My love, you have stopped answering my calls, you ignore my texts and you’re alone in a foreign country. I know what loneliness can do to you and I only want you to be safe. If I don’t receive an answer to this email or any of the thousand texts I’ve sent you I am flying to Germany to make sure you’re alright. I just want to know you are safe, if not okay. 

I love you with my whole heart. 

Yoongi.

Tears had started flowing halfway through the message, making you feel so guilty that you closed the email and were calling Yoongi, not caring about anything that wasn’t hearing his voice at the other side of the line. The tones of the call were low reminders: you have time to hang up, he will be worried, you will only worry him more. But you pushed on, ignoring your anxiety’s voice and waited with bated breath until you heard Yoongi answer the call. 

“Y/N, are you feeling okay? Where are you right now? Have you showered?”

You silenced his endless questions with a quiet sob and sat on the edge of the bed. Oh, how you’d missed his voice! And you told him while sobbing, how hard it had been, how lonely and sad you had felt and how anxious of disturbing him that you had gone back to not picking up the phone and wanting to sleep all day long. He sounded agitated and out of breath but you were so focused on not letting your anxiety drive you into a panic that you didn’t notice. 

“Do something for me, sweetheart,” he was saying, now slower and calmer after finally being able to contact you, “get out of your work clothes and take a hot shower. I won’t hang up and be here with you okay? Can you do this for me?”

Your heart swelled at how he was still taking care of you from so far away. He knew exactly what to do when your thoughts numbed. He would always make you take a shower, drink some water if you couldn’t stomach any food and lay with you while his breathing brought you back. He was not pushy, he didn’t make you talk or explain why you were feeling the way you felt. He was just there, a strong dependable presence that kept you sane. 

Listening to him hum to you about his day and things the rest of his friends had done, you went into the bathroom and undressed slowly. You sat a short bit on the toilet lid and just listened to his voice until you almost smiled at some funny thing Jungkook told him to tell you. In a better mood, you entered the shower and let the spray run down your head, the hot water untangling the many knots on your back and shoulders. You imagined that the heat from the shower was a hug from Yoongi, a warm embrace that you could feel through the distance and you loved him even more than you thought possible. Hearing him still talking while worked away at his keyboard made you smile and you switched off the water, getting out and covering your body with a huge white fluffy towel. 

“You’re finished, my love?” He asked and your heart swelled again.

“Yes. And I’m feeling much better, Yoongi. You’re the best.”

“Well, your day with me isn’t over, missy. Now, I have a ton of new songs separated into genres that I want you to listen to while you lay on the bed and we talk until you fall asleep, okay? Tomorrow, before you know it, you will be back here with me and I’ll be able to hug you to sleep. Is this good enough for now?” He whispered into your ear, as if unsure if you wanted that, but as always he knew perfectly what you needed.

Wearing your pyjamas and under the blankets of the huge bed, Yoongi played songs, melodies, beats, anything he was preparing for release or working on. You two chatted away about where would you go once you could go on vacation together and you fell asleep with a smile on your lips hearing the man you loved telling you he loved you back and finally feeling comfortable and safe again.

[irkenheretic]

THEYRE HERE..... MY WONDERFUL HYBRID BABY WHOM I FUCKING MURDERED IN AN AU..... @invadedzim​ here u go :)

some sweet cool fun Pip Facts under the cut.... and also a bonus drawing

their antenna pulling, to an outsider, doesnt seem that bad. but self harm wise its pretty Up There in severity for irkens, considering you run the risk of snapping the damn thing in two or pulling it out

they were the only one of 50 gestations to survive. lucky tube number 15!!!

the way they got sick was that their puberty sent a rush of hormones through their human system, which alarmed their irken system which identified it as a threat and attacked the human system, which in turn attacked the irken system right back, and so on and so forth for 3 years until their organs shut down

puberty blockers would have stopped this. puberty blockers + slowly letting the irken system build an immunity against the human one.... kind of like. a vaccination? and also that thing people r doing now to get rid of allergies, trace amounts at a time

dib knew this. zim did not know puberty blockers existed. 

ABOUT THE EXPERIMENT. there were going to be 4 groups of subjects- dib anticipated this happening, actually. one group was the control group, they got no help. the other would get as much help as dib could provide. the third wouldve been intentionally made sicker, and the fourth, much smaller group, would have been dissected at various staged of development

pip was always meant to be part of the control group.

dib originally meant to NEVER tell zim, but after the only OTHER surviving gestation died shortly after birth (rip tube 14....) he thought “yeah lets get some help”

zim snatched pip out of dib’s hands and rushed them to the lab, bc they though they were dying of Where Is The Mother Fucking PAK Disorder

but pip was fine. but zim kept em anyway

it was zim that named them of course

in the early stages, pip actually did get ports installed in their back for a PAK, but it didnt have any weapons in it, it was STRICTLY life support and medical stuff ONLY.

as pip’s illness worsened, and it was clear they were terminal, they begged for a mercy kill, so they didnt have to suffer before it got too bad.

zim, obviously, did not grant this

for the last year of their illness, pip could only manage to stay awake for about an hour a day.

when it happened, pip used that hour to freak out, saying they didn’t wanna die, and they could feel it coming, and to please not let them die.... they tried to stay awake as long as they could after that... but they had to fall asleep eventually

and they never woke up.

zim keeps pip’s body in a vat in the lab, hoping that if he can posthumously cure pip’s illness, he can re-activate them.... somehow....

irkens don’t die of illness.... it could happen....

to cleanse your soul........ smeeby time

(and fun facts! anyone remember that one post i made about like, a hybrid baby and how zim would love it but dib would treat it as a novelty? yeah. IT WAS ABOUT PIP THE WHOLE TIME!!!)

[harryseyebrows]

so ive been up since 7 this morning bc i woke up in a panic thinking id overslept (for what..im not sure) and instead of taking stock of the fact that id didnt look like complete daylight out and going back to sleep until my alarm, i checked my phone, saw the time, got angry with myself, and then couldnt fall back asleep. so i went on some larry blogs and let me TELL YOU. they’re even more unhinged than usual lately no i will not elaborate 

[comfyboys]

I finally got a boyfriend!!! And I couldnt be happier rn. It was super sweet bc we went to a concert together, then stayed the night together at a hotel. We didnt cuddle when we slept but when my alarm went off and we both woke up he just smiled at me before wrapping his arms around me then falling back asleep,,, I'm just,,, really gay and soft,,,

Congrats anon!!! That is v soft and so fricking sweet!! I hope y’all have a great time being together and get to go to more concerts together and be the most gay :D

[inkofamethyst]

October 14, 2021

Update: Aeralie Brighton betta watch out cuz imma boutta steal her job

turns out I might actually be able to sing that weird solo?  more testing needed.

Okay remember my biochem exam on October 7? How I was like “ooof there was one question that I know for a fact I got wrong but I hope the nonsense I wrote down in the last ten seconds (with an unfinished sentence, mind you, but that was purposeful bc i wanted to show that I was in the middle of what might have been a profound thought) will get me partial credit on that question and also I know I did well on the last question”? Yeah, well YGIRL GOT FULL POINTS ON THAT QUESTION I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER TO (and I missed a few points on questions I thought I did know the answers to lol, including that last question which I had been entirely confident about) AAAAHHHHH 

So this is what white men be feelin like all the time huh. I can dig it. Anyway I definitely do not want to pull another almost all-nighter again so the plan is to start making Quizlets early for these exams where basic facts should just be like easy recall stuff. I think I’d like to do this after every class but more realistically maybe each Friday.

I got both my biochem and my bio exams back today and whew I did way over the average for both of them and that feels fantastic.  Honestly, I’ve been feeling recently like I’m not doing super well in my classes but like,, no,, that’s not quite right, it’s that in isolated incidents that stick with me more, I’m not doing fantastic.  But when it comes to exams where it matters, (so far) I’m doing pretty alright (so far).  I was talking to people today after getting the exams back about how it was really tough etc etc and I was over 20% above the biochem average and over 10% above the bio average.  THEN IM OUT HERE STRUGGLIN UP IN PHYSICS (aka slightly under the class average) LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS FOR SOME REASON.  Me and physics could be chill if physics wasn’t a two faced ho.  Soon as I think I understand something, it turns out that I absolutely do not and never did.

Anyway I feel like I am obligated to mention that this morning I accidentally kept sleeping past my alarm (which was unexpected because I got more sleep last night than I have in ages since I didn’t take a nap (and thus push back my bedtime) yesterday (but I did accidentally (...I mean I did choose to lay down in bed and I did choose to close my eyes and I did choose to listen to relaxing music and I did choose to set an alarm to alert me to when I would need to be awake ready for my next event but like,,,,, I wasn’t intending to fall asleep) take a nap today, and Imma have to take myself on a late night walk to tire myself out so I don’t go to bed at 3 am)), and when I woke up and panicked because I wouldn’t have enough time to get breakfast, I checked my phone and there was an announcement from my biochem prof that his breaks weren’t working and class was gonna be asynch,,,,, so I just had a full extra hour to chill and it was honestly fantastic.  Like,,, it’s nice and all having my classes all clustered together and starting fairly early,, but also it would be super nice to start classes an hour later than I do omg.  Maybe in a future semester.  BUT that’s beside the point.  The POINT is that today had a pretty fantastic start.

It ended okay too, but WOW what a great start.

Today I’m thankful that I did so well on my biochem exam!  Now I need to go watch that asynch lecture.

Last thing: now that I have more freedom when it comes to which classes I take in my bio sequence,,, it’s hard choosing classes bruhh.  Especially since I don’t know what’s going on with this whole consortium thing and whether I’m going to be able to take a class at that other uni or not.  And if I don’t, then I have three choices when it comes to anthro: 1. take the class I don’t want to take but will fulfill a requirement, 2. pray they offer the classes I wanna take next fall and the following spring and take an anth class that won’t really fulfill any requirements I need fulfilling but it’ll be with my dancer-friend and it lowkey sounds kinda interesting, or 3. pray they offer the classes I wanna take next fall and the following spring and take an upper-level humanities class (history or sumn) to finish my honors citation thing but no anth classes next sem.  The third one is the least likely, the second one is most likely, I think.  And I mean,, another option is to save the consortium thing for next year altogether and take the zooarchaeology class with my dancer-friend anyway.  Freaking forks in the road man.

[justcallmesocks]

ABC Get to know me!

Tagged by @storyandasong

Rules: copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people.

A. Age: 21

B. Biggest fear: lol people only being around me bc they feel obligated or sorry for me and then resenting me for it

C. Current time: 10:19 pm

D. Drink you last had: i have a huge af pepsi sitting next to me bc obviously im the picture of health

E. Every day starts with: me asking myself if it’s actually worth it to get out of bed and then almost falling asleep after turning my alarm off (yes i have to set alarms to be on time to my 1 pm class)

F. Favorite song: i don’t think i have one all-time favorite song. currently it’s breathe from in the heights

G. Ghosts, are they real? i think so. but maybe not in the classic “ghost” way most people think. idk.

H. Hometown: pordenone, italy

J. Jealous of: people who are confident enough in themselves to feel like it’s worthwhile to go out and audition for everything. and people who have someone to kiss whenever they want. mostly the second one tbh

K. Kill(ed) someone: no. at least not yet.

L. Last time I cried: almost did yesterday out of surprise and happiness. i think it’s been like 10 days???? it was the second night of the show, just got super sad after and went home and sobbed. at least, that’s the last time i can remember.

M. Middle name: kay

N. Number of siblings: four

O. One wish: to be just be generally be happy with my life and who i am. and maybe have someone to kiss???

P. Person you last called/texted: last person i called was abby yesterday when i thought she was dead and she didnt answer or text me back for another 45 minutes. last person i texted was my friend chandler

Q: Questions you’re always asked: “you’re studying theatre? what are you going to do with that?” “so you want to teach...?” “is that your natural hair color?”

R. Reasons to smile: when the house lights dim and the audience goes quiet right before a show and you can just feel the excitement and anticipation, brunch with some of your favorite people, snapchat group with my cast from the last show, knowing looks between two friends who are simultaneously amused and frustrated, a friend tagging you in something they know you’ll get, the hunchback cast recording

S. Song last sang: i got the accompanist to play my part for my next song so i could record it so i sang through that when i got home from class. but i sing all the time and don’t realize it, so it was probably something else i just can’t remember

T. Time you woke up: 11:30 am

U. Underwear colour: white

V. Vacation destination: italy. france. i mean, im literally down to travel to almost anywhere, these two would just be my first choices.

W. Worst habit: getting into my own head. avoiding people for extended periods of time. because i get into my own head.

X. X-rays you’ve had: i think i had one on my lungs when i was little? i got a ct scan a few years ago when i had kidney stones to make sure it wasn’t something more serious.

Y. Your favorite food: im always down for breakfast food. always. pasta is up there too.

Z. Zodiac sign: im def a taurus and its very obvious

i tag: @sebastianstancanfightme @thoughtsacrossyourcheek @sammbamm72 @half-bloood-princess and anyone else who wants to do this

[katedoesntexist]

Stay-at-home journal 8/13/20

Yesterday:

Worked

Laid in bed and just relaxed for a while

Started wwdits s2

Today:

Piano tuning scheduled

Get car inspected

Free space:

I took today off work to get some things done. Ive officially had my car for a year and this is the first time ill be taking it to get inspected. Of course chores like this always stress me out, espec when there's uncertainty. I assume i can just go wherever but theres a chance i cant bc its a plugin hybrid. Idk. Ill find out tho.

The other big thing happening is a piano tech is coming over to tune and repair my piano. I really should've had it tuned back in Feb but i didnt and then the pandemic happened. im stressed and kind of nervous abt this too bc its a stranger coming into my home, and also he will probably want me to play something to try it out and im not in practice w anything rly.

And once again i had a billion dreams. The only one i truly remember is bc it woke me. I was in bed and there were three loud beeps like an alarm going off but it wasnt a tone i recognized. I tried to wake up my partner but he was so sleepy. I was like we have to go, theres a fire or something. But then the beeping stopped. I didnt know where it was coming from and walked over to the closet. One more beep that was muffled sounded like it came from the back on the other side of the wall. At that point i woke up a little but kept falling back asleep until i was like wait what if I dreamed that bc there really was an alarm. Irl i tried to wake my partner but less dire. He said he didnt hear any beeps so we both went back to sleep.

[burntflorets]

22 april 2017

1:03am its funny how I tell others don’t smoke or drink too much when I myself have gone through more than 15 boxes of cigarettes and 20 bottles. idk I’ve lost count of everything now. maybe I’ve smoked more and drank more, but as far as I know there are 15 boxes and 20 bottles lying around on my bedroom floor. 

pathetic isn’t it.  mm I know. tell me more. 

my anxiety was at its highest yesterday. my migraine was at its worst yesterday. they don’t seem like they are going to leave anytime.  I think I’ve eaten more than 8 pills today. I think thats more than what I should be taking in a day. but it doesn’t take the pain away. I still feel like shit. my head’s still spinning. I’m still nauseous. my anxiety is still here. 

I’ve run out of cigarettes and alcohol. I’ve run out of money too. I can’t get more. I need more. I need to calm myself down. I can’t. I need a drink I need a smoke. 

im exhausted, but I can’t sleep.  my stomach hurts. I think I’ve ate too much painkillers. or maybe its bc I can’t eat anything. idk

I’m angry I’m sad I’m disappointed I’m feeling so many things at once. I can’t cope. 

I need a smoke I need a drink. but I’ve run out of everything.

one moment you don’t care, the next moment you do, then you go back to not caring again. you’re so hot and cold I honestly don’t even know what to feel anymore. I don’t know how to prepare myself for that day. 

I need to mentally prepare myself bc I think I can’t handle anymore blows. one more blow and I think I might just snap. 

I feel so on edge all the time. I feel so paranoid all the time. I feel so skittish all the time.  I can’t stay calm, I can’t stop overthinking.  even the smallest of things trigger my anxiety. stupid things like if my alarm is going to ring tmr morning. stupid things like if I’m going to be able to breathe the next second. stupid things like if I’m going to have nightmares or not. stupid things that I can’t even make sense of. stupid things that shouldn’t be filling up my mind. stupid things that keep me on edge all the time. 

I don’t know I can ever fall asleep tonight. I don’t know if I can make it through the night. the night alr feels long. I don’t have my fix of alcohol and cigarettes. 

its only 2am, and I feel like I’ve been tossing and turning for the longest time ever. its going to be a long night with my thoughts. 

I wished I was drunk. so I wouldn’t have to deal with my thoughts. I wished I was high so I wouldn’t have depressing thoughts. I wish I was fine. I wish I was ok.

I thought I found my forever person. I guess not. 

I keep thinking about the fantasy you told me. I keep making up excuses on your behalf for myself as to why you said those things.  its pathetic how I keep trying so hard and living in denial.  when its clear as day you have no intentions of staying but you’re just saying it to reassure me for the sake of it. 

my vision keeps fading to black. its scary. it happened super frequently yesterday. its happening now again. 

its like a fainting feeling, but different. idk what’s going on. it scares me.  I can’t ask my parents for help. they will probe and I don’t want them to know anything. I can’t handle the questions now. I don’t want to put myself through even more hurt by explaining. they are the last people that ill ever find help in. 

I think need help. both mentally and physically. but I’m broke. I have nothing left. maybe its my punishment. idk. maybe I deserved this. maybe I brought all these upon myself bc I didn’t know how to cope. 

4:41am I’m increasingly paranoid and restless. 

your words keep haunting me. 

7:17am It’s like choking on a LifeSaver like a firehouse burning to the ground It’s like you’re allergic to your medication Meant to make you better, but it makes you worse It’s like dying in your own living room Like a home mover following behind a hearse

I keep running circles trying to understand why the dreams I die for are now killing me And I keep running circles trying to figure out why this life is not what I thought it’d be

I wanna go back to the sweet beginnings When I was young and full of innocence I wanna go back to complete surrender of you

but I don’t think I can ever run back to you anymore. 

everything has changed. I pushed you too far away this time. you’re gone. I lost u.

9:13am i dreamt about you again. we were so happy and in love. you designed a wolf tattoo that u always wanted for me and you tattooed it onto my side yourself.

it was gorgeous. we were back to normal. the happy playful us. where we rolled around play wrestling and tickling. me lying on top of you preventing you from getting up. we were so happy. but it was alll a dream.

i woke up and cried.

it’s only been two weeks, but it felt way longer than that.

it’s funny how even after the shit you’ve done to me, even after all these, i still love you a lot. and even if i say i don’t anymore, others can see it in me.

if others can say that they still can see that i love you a lot, it means that it’s pretty obvious and it’s really true.

it’s kind of fucked up don’t you think. to think that i still love you as much as i did before. even though every time i get wrecked, i get depressed, i get hurt and all.

i don’t know if i’m fucking stupid or what, have i not woken up??

i know you don’t love me as much, i know you don’t even love me anymore. and now i’m at the losing end, but still i have the same amount of love i had for you since the start. or even more. fuck.

people always say we accept the love we think we deserve. but everyone says i deserve better. maybe i do. but i love you. and maybe i do really deserve better. but it always has been you.

last night i was tearing myself apart. i was mad at the world. i was mad at myself. i hated myself. bc i still love you even after all these. i was mad bc i knew you left, you were long gone, but i still wanted you. i still loved you.

it’s funny how i always try and come up with excuses for myself for your actions like maybe bc you didn’t have a role model when you were growing up that’s why you don’t have direction in life, or that bc of the way you were brought up, that’s why you behave this way, or that the environment that you grew up in wasn’t the best that’s why it shaped you to be the way you are. i desperately keep giving myself excuses, i keep lying to myself, desperately trying to justify my love for you.

i know it’s pointless and futile. but i just can’t stop. and it’s fucked up. it’s very fucked up.

you’re just going to cont living you like the same way as before, and if we were to get back together, it’s going to be the same shit same problems all over again.

i’m tired of it honestly, i want to be with you, but i want this time to be better. this time, i want us to be truly happy, i know fights and quarrels are inevitable, but i just want us to be better, not like how we were in the past few months. but like how we were in the beginning. able to compromise, able to give and take, able to be really happy.

but it’s all just hopes that will never come true anymore. bc you left. i can see it in the way you reply. there’s no more this time left. there’s no more us left.

2:24pm i’ve been thinking about what you said. you said “i love you and I hope somehow somewhere it all gets better, but deep down we both know that can never happen seeing how diff we are. How hard we try also there will be differences, compromising is one thing but whether in the long run it works out is another, that’s why I need this timeout, to think what’s the best path for us”

and honestly, in every relationship the two people are definitely different. bc opposites attract. And it’s the compromise that makes it a relationship. If you truly love that person, you shouldn’t even be counting the level of compromise. compromising itself shouldnt even be a problem. if you truly love someone. it’s just like you know the other person’s wrong, but you compromise and put your ego down, bc you rather lose the fight rather than losing the r/s. it doesn’t mean that you’re at fault. it’s just you treasure the r/s and the person more and would rather lose the fight instead.

compromising doesn’t mean that you have to give in to the person all of the time. it means that both of us need to give up something, not just one of us. compromising in a r/s can also be negotiating and coming to an agreement instead of just sacrificing something. it’s not always that you stop doing something or i can achieve something, but both of of us have to brainstorm ways that both of us can each achieve while also gaining another benefit for us both both.

idk the way how you see things but if you did truly love me, compromising wouldn’t be an issue. there are always ways to work around it, talking it out and coming to a mutual agreement.

but from what i see, you aren’t willing to compromise for me, you wouldn’t want to work around or thinks of new ways about what u want to do for me. much less give anything up.

i don’t even know how to explain things to you anymore. it’s really confusing the way how you think.

and it’s depressing to know that you think it’s the only way and that you don’t want to figure things out or find other ways to work around it for me. you rather give me up bc it’s the easier option.

it’s fucking selfish of you. i don’t even know if you know you’re being selfish. maybe u do. maybe you just want to be a dick. maybe you just didn’t consider my feelings at all from the start.

You knew i was unstable, you knew i have tendencies to do you shit and harm yourself, but it didnt matter to you. you just asked me to promise you. you knew it wasn’t beneficial for me. but you just wanted to stay out of any subsequent trouble and fights and think for yourself.

it’s fucking selfish of you. you always said in a r/s it takes two hands to clap. and i told you that even if you solved a problem on your side, doesn’t mean that on my side it’s solved too. i might have some loose ends that needs tying up. you yourself know that we are two very different people and we both have different methods of solving problems.

yet you didn’t want to compromise and figure out a way for us to salvage our rs TOGETHER. you just wanted a timeout which was just solving it YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN.

you didn’t want to work with me u just took the easier way out. and now you’re doing it again by telling me we aren’t going to work out bc how much we compromise it’s not going to work out. that’s fucking bullshit. that’s you not willing to work with me. that’s you being selfish again.

i don’t get why you don’t want to work with me to help us on this. i don’t get why you always want to do things on your own. i’m your fucking gf. i should be in this tgt with you to solve OUR RS problems. we’re in this tgt. are we not?

you act like you’re the only one in the rs. that’s how you portray yourself. then what’s the point of me being here. what’s the point of you calling me your girlfriend?

i want to help you. you’re not letting me in. you’re not letting me help you save us. you rather give me up than compromise.

it just kills me to see that even till now, that’s how you really are. and that you’re that stubborn and not receptive of others.

even after all these i still really want us to work out. i still see myself with a future with you. i see myself being happy with you. no doubt it’s going to take a lot of effort. but looking at the way how you see things, you just gave up.

the person who never wanted to give up on us before just stopped caring and gave up.

how much i want to try rn will not change anything considering you rather give me up than compromise. bc it’s the easier way out. bc you think that’s the only way

11:38pm i can’t do this alone. i need a drink. i need to smoke.

i've been staring at your pictures, at the photos i've taken of u, at the photos of us. i miss you a lot. i just want to see you.