#woke up at 6:30 am this morning to make a decision which way i was headed

[quaranmine]

if you're in totality, or driving to it, MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR!! ☀️🌘🌑

[madridfangirl]

Star crossed lovers (Jude Bellingham fic)

Chapter 7

(Series Link)

Jude * female reader. Mature Language in parts.

Synopsis: A chance encounter in a tiny Madrid cafe with the newest superstar of her fav club. The two couldn't be more different, yet both feel the pull toward the other. Would this girl be the one he finally falls for? Would she make him change his ways? Even though she resists him every step of the way, would he fight all odds (& her) to have her in his life? Or would life come in the way of these star-crossed lovers?

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Wednesday morning started off on a foul note for Jude. The team landed after a red eye flight & below is what he saw at 6:30 am. 

Ananya: Heyy. Listen, I am so sorry but I can’t make it tonight. NY office just got back and we have tons more to do. All hands on deck. Will be MIA most of today & tmrw. Hope you put something on your bruises. Take care & see ya soon! 

He groaned in frustration. Yesterday had been horrible & he was really looking forward to seeing her tonight. It was his primary motivation to get through the day. But the universe seemed to be conspiring against him.

He stayed in a pissy mood for a bit but sanity prevailed some time later. 

Jude: Heyy, it’s fine. Work is work. Go kick some ass. Lemme know if you get done soon ya?

His message remained unseen till 10:30 pm. She hadn’t come online. He knew, since he had checked more than a few times.

He was about to crash when his phone buzzed.

Ananya: Still in office. Will be a long night. How was your day?

He perked up immediately & grabbed his phone. 

Jude: Talk for a few mins?

Ananya: In conference room with folks, can’t step out.

Deflated, he fell back on the bed, trying to find a comfortable spot. All he needed was some attention from her tonight. For her to fuss over him like she had done yesterday. But alas. 

Jude: Day was ok I guess. Debriefed on the game, lads were being extra nice which was irritating but had a good chat with Boss. How was yours?

Ananya: Hectic, but this deal is so cool it’s blowing my mind.

Jude smiled for the first time today. Her ambition & drive was relatable. Admirable. And so so attractive. 

Ananya: Ok gotta go now. Ciao.

And just like that, his smile faded. 

Jude: Ciao. Eat something. C ya soon!

He twisted & turned in bed a few times. Finally, exhaustion took over and he drifted off to sleep.

Next day was worse, if that was even possible.

He again woke up irritated. The UK tabloids were going to run a trashy story about him & some girl. His team had been contacted for comments & the decision was to not entertain them at all. The story could drop any time now - that was the heads-up he had gotten.

Great, just what he needed.

The message that he wanted to see was not there. Not a single peep from Ananya. He scrolled through the previous messages, re-reading some. And then he froze.

She was going to see the article too. 

Such gossip pieces on him were not uncommon but he mostly ignored them earlier. As did his team. 

But this time, it was different. Because of her. 

He had to get ahead of the situation.

Jude: Morning dove. I know you are busy. Quick heads up - you may see a tabloid piece today about my ‘girlfriend’. It’s all bull ok? I will explain when we talk. 

Burying himself with work seemed like the best solution today. He went extra hard in the gym, pushing himself more, & then some. Letting his irritation be sucked out through sweat and sore muscles.

He was extra feisty in training, didn’t joke around & was super competitive in duels, earning all the applause of the coaching staff and some jeers from his teammates.

Cama and Vini teased him about his new girlfriend who he was apparently smitten by - the article was splashed all over social media by now. He evaded them after engaging in some superficial locker room banter.

Still no reply from her, even though she had seen the first message. 

Jude: (Link) - This is what I was referring to. Like I said, it’s bull. How’s your day going?

When the messages were still unread after 2 hours, he started getting jittery. And did something he wouldn’t have done had he been thinking with a clear head.

He called her, knowing fully well she was dying at work today.

The number was unreachable. He tried again. Same message.

The jitters got stronger. Of the zillion things he was capable of doing to mess this up, this shouldn’t have been it.

It was one of those moments when the house looked emptier. Felt lonelier. He missed his home in Birmingham. He wished his mom were here with him.

She had called him earlier today to check on him, & could tell something was off in his voice. She didn’t push, knowing that he wanted to be left to his own devices.

Boy, he could do with her hug right now.

It was 8:30 pm. He had done everything he could for the day. There was nothing else to busy himself with. His friends from the team were all otherwise occupied tonight. He had no other real, normal friends in the city - ones he trusted/liked enough to hang out with. 

He didn’t wanna talk to his Birmingham friends either - didn’t wanna bring up the article or the match. Wanted to block those out. Jobe was busy with his training too. 

So he gulped his dinner while watching some random episodes of The Great British Bake Off. Something that used to be a family ritual back home.

Still no word from her. It was 10 pm.

It wasn’t fair. He hated feeling this restless. That’s why he stayed away from the complications of attachments - too much fucking drama that he absolutely didn’t need in his life right now. As if the pressures on him weren’t enough already.

His treacherous messed up self didn’t comply with his brain though.

Jude: Don’t overthink this. Talk to me once.

10:30 pm. Still nothing. 

He was about to get up from his couch & drag himself to bed, when he saw the blue ticks started coming on her chat. She hadn’t blocked him then?

He grabbed his phone & dialled her number, shoving his pride aside. She picked up in two rings.

‘Heyyyy Judeyyy.’

She slurred on the line. Jude was stunned. Was this for real? 

He channelled all his inner calmness - wanting to get the facts first.

‘Ananya - are you drunk?’

‘Siiii. We just downed half a bottle of tequila in three sixty minutes. No thirty-six. I meant thirty-six mins.’

He took a few deep breaths, as she giggled on the line. 

‘Tell me where you are. I am picking you up.’

‘I am in a moving car - how will you pick me up from a moving car?’

‘What the fuck do you mean you are in a car? Who are you with? And why the fuck are you drinking in a car?’

He lost his patience despite his best efforts.

‘Yikes why the screaming? Hurting my ears Jude. So rude. Heyyy, that rhymed.’

He nearly pulled out a few of his flawlessly trimmed hair in frustration. When he spoke next, he broke up each word like he was talking to a child.

‘One step at a time yeah? Send me your live location.’

She managed to do that after a few failed attempts. Relief flooded over him when he saw she wasn’t too far from her home & on the right route.

‘Good girl. Now, are you alone, or is someone with you?’

‘I am in a limo. A black limo. Like in the movies. Can you believe it?’

‘That’s great. Not what I asked though. Is someone with you, Ananya?’

‘Roma. But she’s passed out. Wait let me see again? Yup - passed out.’

‘Was it such a smart thing to drink so much that you pass out in the back of a car? When you are alone?’

‘Hey, she passed out. Not me. Pls - my capacity is legendary. Ask me the square root of 1576 & I'll tell you.’

He was amused but had to remind himself that he was still mad. 

‘Where were you today?’

Somehow, from her broken sentences, he gathered that the MD of their team lived on the outskirts of Madrid and there was a presentation of the final work at his mansion today. It was his limos that were dropping the team home. And the girls found the tequila in the car & just went for it after the grueling last 48 hours of work.

He also understood that her phone was on airplane mode most of the day. So she hadn’t seen his messages. Hadn’t seen the article either. 

Suddenly, there was some commotion on the line.

‘Roma is hitting me to talk to you. Putting you on speaker.’

‘Heyyy lover boyyyy - finally.’

This time he couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

‘Well hello to you too.’

‘You should know that you owe me. I convinced Ananya to go to the match. And, most importantly, I convinced her to GO WITH YOU after the match.’

‘Oh, I thought she came because of me. How sad.’

‘A little coz of you. But mostly it was me.’

‘I see. Then I definitely owe you one, Roma.’

‘Remember that when I ask for signed jerseys of the WHOLE TEAM. And Zidane. And of course our one true love Ronaldo.’

‘Ahh you too.’

‘Of course, we share a common love. But Ananya loves him more.’

‘Believe me, I know.’

The car swerved to their street soon after, stopping outside their apartment building.

‘Girls, focus now, ya? - watch your step, go inside, lock the door. Ananya - call me after. I am waiting.’

‘Sir yes sir.’

‘Byeee lover boyyyyy.’

Jude groaned as they hung up - staring at the phone for it to ring again. Praying that they don’t trip & fall on their assess. 

The wait was excruciating. He got to his room, changed into his sleeping shorts, paced around, still nothing. How fuckin irresponsible. Finally, after 13 long mins, she called.

‘What took you so long?’

‘Code wasn’t working. Had to call neighbors to buzz us in.’

‘Wasn’t working or you forgot it?’

‘Pretty sure it wasn’t working.’

He shook his head & let it go, understanding how it was a lost cause. 

Then he started blurting out some instructions to her like ‘re-check the door’, ‘grab some water’, ‘tell me you ate something before drinking’ etc.

Ananya followed them diligently, and the slurring reduced as the liqueur settled down. Still quite out of it, but he could hear the girl he knew in there.

Knowing she was safe now, his mood improved, and her antics even started looking cute. 

‘Facetime?’

It felt like forever since he had seen her last. Held her last. 

When he finally laid eyes on her, all his frustration & anxiety of last two days started to evaporate.

‘Hey you.’

She waved back happily, snuggled into her pillow, still in her work clothes. All dopey from the alcohol. 

‘If I fall asleep on you tonight, don’t take it personally. Haven’t slept in 2 days.’

‘But you kicked ass though didn’t ya? 

Her face brightened, despite the exhaustion.

‘Kinda did.’

‘Knew it. Proud of ya.’

He really was. She could tell. She was starting to learn how to read his bright, expressive, goofy eyes. Tonight, they were deep & sincere. And a little anxious.

‘How’s your mood now?’

20 minutes ago he would have had a very different answer. 

‘Now? All fine, dove.’

She was about to tease him, call him cheesy & sickly sweet but he doubled down with his big brown doe eyes.

‘Missed you.’

Again, the sincerity hit her square in her heart. Throwing her off guard. He seemed different tonight. Vulnerable. The trademark blend of cocky flair & casual nonchalance not at the forefront. 

‘Missed you too.’

She sighed, as her eyes fluttered shut. Not that she had had much time for any active thought the last few days. But seeing him like this just reminded her how much she was looking forward to meeting him last night.

As she gathered herself, he took in her surroundings. The baby pink pillows amused him the most; somehow he hadn’t associated that with her. 

‘Can’t believe this is how I get to see your bedroom. On FaceTime.’

He didn't realize he had said it out loud. She giggled at his groans, batting her eyelashes at him. The vixen.

‘Yeah? What else did you have in mind?’

Jude shifted uncomfortably in the sheets. 

‘Don’t tease. Not tonight.’

‘When’s a good time, then?’

‘When I am in touching distance of you, tease away, by all means.’

‘I am not stupid, Jude.’

‘Never thought you were, dove.’

Challenging each other was kind of becoming their thing. Neither liked backing down & both loved the dynamic.

But she was tired. Ready to drop dead anytime.

‘Gimme 2. Need to change out of these.’

‘Cool, I’ll stay here.’

She placed the phone on the bed. Then, on second thoughts, she covered the phone with her blanket. Suddenly, his screen was filled with baby pandas.

‘Seriously? I was facing the ceiling, what was I gonna see?’

‘Don’t trust you & your peripheral vision.’

Jude groaned audibly, facing the disorienting pandas, starting to seriously dislike the otherwise adorable creatures.

He could hear her bouncing around her room, humming something in a foreign tongue, heels clicking on the floor. Still quite buzzed, clearly.

And then, a loud thump.

‘What happened? You ok?’

‘Zipper got stuck in heels. Knocked over a carton. Am fine.’

Jude turned & buried his face in the pillow, trying very hard to drown out the thoughts of what she was doing right now.

He couldn’t afford to let himself wander, since they hadn’t yet discussed the matter at hand.

But it was hard, he nearly bit the pillow to rein himself in. 

That’s how she found him when she returned in her tank top. The same one she had on that night, when he kissed her. Great.

‘What’s with you?’

She eyed him curiously, and he recovered quickly, game face back on.

‘Need to talk about something.’

‘Go on.’

Something had shifted in the environment. In him. Putting her on the edge.

Ripping off the band-aid quickly seemed like the best strategy to him.

‘A tabloid piece came out today about me & a girl, saying she is my girlfriend and we have been dating for 2 months. Which is not true. Never dated her. No idea how they came up with this. Wanted to give you a heads-up. Sent you the link in chat earlier today.’

He got it all out quickly. Then zeroed in on her face to gauge her reaction.

Her face had hardened like she was preparing for something unpleasant. Expressions too neutral, too blank for his liking. Almost cold. A more agitated reaction would have been less unsettling.

Ananya had a feeling it was something like this. The shield was up. Plus she was too spent to give any kind of outward reaction. 

She replayed his words in her head, and read through the article, while he waited patiently.

Her insta feed was also full of this now. This was everywhere. She found the ID of the woman and clicked on her profile.

‘She is pretty.’

This was not the first thing he had expected to hear. But he had the good sense to know that no response was the best response. Both confirmation and denial would have been scoffed at. 

‘You say you didn’t date her, but you do know her, right? Didn’t hear you deny that.’

Her tone was matter-of-fact, business-like. As if she was slicing & dicing a work project.

‘Yes. I do.’

‘Elaborate.’

‘Met her through insta. Liked some pics of each other. Chatted on DM. Then, met in person. Once.’

‘When?’

‘Two months ago.’

So the article had gotten at least something right.

‘Slept with her?’

Both were surprised by her cutting to the chase like this. The alcohol had lowered her inhibitions significantly plus she wasn't in the mood to entertain any nonsense.

‘Yes.’

‘Why only once?’

‘Sorry?’

‘Why not again? She is pretty.’

‘Umm…she is not from here.’

That wasn’t a good answer, he knew it the moment he said it. It wasn’t the complete truth either. But the damage was done.

‘Any exchanges after?’

‘Not from me.’

The unsaid hung heavily in the air. She chose to not address it. 

Mindlessly, she kept scrolling through the girl’s profile and the details in the article, not wanting to say anything more immediately. Not wanting to look at him, while his eyes were glued to her face throughout. 

Eventually, he couldn’t handle the silence & spoke softly.

‘Remember, this was in the past. Nothing has happened since we met. Nothing will happen.’

The deep baritone was back, trying to lull her into a sense of security. 

She smiled wryly. If only it were that simple to believe. If only her mind was not filled with images of him frolicking at his home with this woman, as was so definitively stated in the article. 

He felt the chasm widening between them, pulling her further away.

Some core truths, albeit crude, needed to be said out loud now. 

‘Ananya - I’ve never lied to you. Never not answered anything you threw my way. Never painted a false picture of my lifestyle. We’ve discussed these encounters before. Yes this put a face to it & I get it’s hard. But that doesn’t change the fact that I was single, and both consenting adults always knew it was just sex, nothing more.’

Her eyes shot up at him at the last line, which he was expecting. But he stood his ground.

‘I can see you are judging me hard, and them too. Look…’

She cut him off sharply.

‘THEM? Who are they to me? Why should I judge women I don’t know anything about?’

‘And me?’

‘YOU? I am TRYING to understand you. Your DECISIONS. It is NOT EASY. Not something I ever imagined dealing with.’

‘I get it.’

He really did. She didn’t hear what he said though, still stuck on his previous words.

‘And THEM? Seriously how many are there? How many such GIRLFRIENDS should I be prepared for?’

He blanked & panicked simultaneously. How was he supposed to answer that? Thankfully, she intervened.

‘You know what? Scratch that. Don’t answer that, I don’t ever wanna know. I don’t care.’

She jerked her face away, trying to compose herself.

But he couldn’t stop staring at her. The usually calm, jovial features a picture of irritation & exhaustion right now. The need to hold her close & comfort her paralyzed him.

‘Can we do this in person? I can be there in 20-25 mins.’

‘NO.’

It was a firm, decisive no. Leaving no scope for discussion. He figured it was also her showing him he wasn’t just gonna get his way with her, that she wasn’t like the others. 

But he knew that already. That’s what had fascinated him so about her. She was unlike anyone he had been with before. How he wished she could see that too.

For the first time, the silence between them was not comfortable. Or comforting. 

The silence was interrupted by constant pings on her phone - two calls followed by a few messages. He saw her eyes go wide as she focused on the screen.

It was 12 am. Jude had a sinking feeling who it could be from. Last two days, he had really behaved himself. Despite knowing she would have spent every waking minute at work around that insufferable colleague of hers. Sticking to her like a leech. Pinging her at odd times. 

But, in a grand display of restraint, Jude hadn't uttered a word to her. It was her work after all. 

‘Jude I’m gonna need two mins.’

She muttered urgently, getting up from the bed.

‘I will stay online if that’s ok.’

‘Fine.’

She was already out the door, leaving the phone, leaving him behind.

Jude found himself facing the ceiling of her room again. Seriously, what the fuck just happened? Could this day get any more rotten?

She returned in a minute. He could hear her but not see her yet. Bile rose in his throat when he realised who she was talking to.

‘Hey Arjun, yes I found it. It’s with me now. Thank you so much for letting me know, this could have gone anywhere. You are a lifesaver.’

A pause for a few seconds, in which Jude plotted getting that cockroach permanently banned from the Bernabeu (Ananya had mentioned how big a fan he was), and then her voice again. Filled with genuine gratitude. Jude wanted to puke. 

‘Yeah all good, thanks again. Good night, see you tmrw.’

If her intent was to hurt Jude, then someone should hand her the Balon d’or immediately.

Ananya hung up, came back to the bed, and realized her phone was not on mute. She couldn’t find it in herself to care though, not right now.

‘All ok?’

Jude would have put monks to shame at the evenness he was able to muster in his voice.

‘Roma was drunk-texting on our work group. Some questionable stuff. Hv deleted the texts, will keep her phone tonight. Glad Arjun alerted me.’

And just like that, evenness went out the window. Replaced with sarcasm, laced with disdain.

‘How sweet of him, what a gentleman.’

Ananya turned the full force of her glare at Jude, which he met head on. Fire dancing in both their eyes. 

‘Would you GROW UP? Not everything is about you. And yes, he IS a gentleman. Your petulance will not change that.’

‘A FUCKIN TWAT is what he is. Always interrupting us. Always trying to cozy up to you. Even when he doesn’t have a shot. Classic small-dick energy. Quite fuckin LITERALLY in his case.’

Ananya could punch him through the screen. The insufferable, entitled, derisive prick that he was being. So full of himself. He needed to be put in his place. 

‘Yeah? Maybe I should verify that.’

The bodyblow landed as intended. Making him double over with pain.

Jude felt like someone had kicked him in the gut and in the nuts at the same time. His throat went dry and his hands turned clammy.

The numbness hitting his brain, then his body. The rage dissipated & he realised he didn’t have a leg to stand on, given how they had gotten here tonight.

Plus she would never do the thing she hates the most. She would never cheat, he was convinced.

His tone went down several notches, as did his attitude.

‘I know you are angry. I know you didn’t mean it.’

‘Oh no - I really do want..’

‘ANANYA PLEASE. Please. Slap me if you want to, smack me all that you like but NOT THIS. Please.’

The distress in his choked voice made her stop. Knocking the fight out of her. 

Her voice lost its edge, coming out in a whisper.

‘A hypothetical scenario broke you. Whereas….you…..you have actually..’

She didn’t finish the sentence. But the message was well understood.

‘I know it’s unfair. Even hypocritical of me. But I can’t help it. Can’t handle even the idea of you with anyone else. I want all of you. All for me. All the time. I’d go nuts otherwise I swear.’

This moment, she saw a young, sensitive, insecure boy in Jude, not the mature, articulate, sorted, in-control grown man known to the world. 

She found it strangely healing; a distinct warmth seeping into her skin and settling into the pit of her stomach. 

It was 12:30. Two emotionally charged hours they had spent on the phone. Dead tired from work. Yet, the idea of hanging up & calling it a night never occurred to either. 

Just then, her doorbell rang, making her jump.

‘Don’t be alarmed. Answer it.’

She eyed him curiously, checking his background again. He was still in his bed. 

‘What did you do now?’

‘Answer the door & you’ll see.’

Huffing, she got out of bed & walked out. Leaving him facing the ceiling again. Third time that night.

When she came back, he finally saw a ghost of a smile on her lips. And the light returned to her gorgeous soft eyes.

She was still gazing at the bouquet, stroking & smelling with contentment.

‘White Tulips for dove. Thought it’d be fitting.’

‘Jude.’

She sighed deeply, and buried her head in the flowers, letting the strong scent drown her senses.

This was never going to be easy, she knew that from the start. But every time she got wobbly, he steadied her. Every time doubts pulled her away, he clawed his way back to her. Lack of effort was definitely not something she could hold against him. 

Maybe he means what he says. Maybe it is different for him this time.

She turned to look at his smiling face, still leaning on the flowers.

‘How did you even find these in the middle of the night?’

‘To be fair I ordered them in the evening, when I thought you blocked me.’

‘Blocked you?’

He just shrugged in response. Slightly embarrassed but trying to not show it.

She laughed at the absurdity of it all, and he finally let go too, letting himself relax. The sound of his little giggles bounced on her ears, doing things to her.

‘You are such a loon.’

‘Wanna be your loon.’

She was starting to melt now and wanted to arrest the fall. So she switched gears.

‘Tell me - what was the plan if I had blocked you?’

There had to be a plan. He wasn’t the kind to take things lying down. 

‘Cheesecake & churros from our cafe tmrw morning. Along with a letter stating how a 20-year-old boy has the same psychological maturity as a 15-year-old girl. Therefore you should cut me some slack given women are far smarter biologically and also coz you are you. I’m not saying it, science is. Facts.’

‘Reallyyyyy? So a 20 yr old boy lacks psychological maturity, but somehow that’s not a problem when he fucks half the world with impunity? What does science say about that? No disadvantage there?’

Jude’s mouth opened and closed like a fish, still trying to process how his attempted humour had backfired in about 50,000 ways.

To his credit, he recovered fast.

‘See? A smart person would not have walked into that hole like I did. Exhibit A of how dumb I am. This just proves my point.’

‘How come the world fawns over your intelligence & maturity then?

‘They don’t know me. It’s a scam. Trent says I should still be in diapers. He said that to Jobe once & the little scoundrel agreed.'

He had done it again. Pacified her without her even realising. Yeah, she wasn’t buying the dumb act. This boy knew his power & used it unabashedly, to his full advantage.

It was 1 am. She yawned while checking the time & Jude suddenly got hit by pangs of guilt.

He would let her go soon, just needed to hear one thing.

‘We ok? 

He barely blinked till she responded.

‘I guess so.’

She shrugged, realising she wasn’t mad anymore.

He figured that’s the best he would get tonight. But soon, when they are together, he’ll make up for this mess.

It was time to let her get some well deserved rest.

Jude leaned in, eyes firmly locked into hers, and kissed his phone screen. He had never done that for another girl before. But this one, she made him do this twice in a span of 2 days.

She followed his movement closely, meeting his gaze. Somehow feeling his lips brush her skin. 

‘End my misery and meet me soon?’

She nodded, and he flashed her a trademark ear-to-ear Jude smile. Crinkling eyes n all. Making her heart leap in her chest. 

‘Now go, get some rest. And since you won’t let me come over, hug the flowers instead when you sleep tonight. You’ll feel me around.’

‘Bye Jude.’

‘Bye dove.’

Goes without saying, she did hug the flowers as she slept that night. 

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This chapter was very different in my head when I posted the previous one. But then, stuff happened the last few days & I felt like writing about it.

As always, would love to hear your thoughts / comments / feedback. Hope you are liking the story & these two, lots more to come :)

[criticallyacclaimedstranger]

Fic: The Instructor chapter 9, Shopping Spree

Chapter 1: Lesson One | Chapter 2: A Rash Decision | Chapter 3: Good Intentions | Chapter 4: Chicken Soup | Chapter 5: Knotted Strings | Chapter 6: Crossed Blades | Chapter 7: Christmas Party | Chapter 8: Lesson Two | Chapter 9: Shopping Spree

Read on Ao3

Rating: Explicit

Fandom: We Can Be Heroes

Relationship: Marcus Moreno/Original Female Character (Kate)

Chapter summary: Marcus continues to educate Kate about the joys of sex.

Chapter tags: Dom!Marcus is a goddamn tease, (her) masturbation.

“Marcus.”

“Kate.”

There is something a little awkward to meet at the entrance to the cafeteria only a few days after that Saturday. It doesn’t help that Marcus has a little mini-me with him.

His daughter. Kate immediately feels like the pretty little girl knows exactly what this strange woman has been doing with her father. The kid is eyeing her with interest, and Marcus realizes he needs to make introductions.

“It’s Bring Your Kids To Work Day. This is my daughter, Missy.” He puts his hand on Missy’s shoulder. “Querida, this is Kate Shannon, our trainer.”

“You’re the one who knows, like, martial arts, right?” the girl asks, clearly excited yet a little shy. Kate nods.

“I am.”

“Can you teach me?”

“It’s only for employees,” Marcus interjects. “And adults.”

The kid pouts, and Kate struggles to find something to say, having no idea what’s okay for a child this age.

“I know a great kung-fu school if you’re interested. Tell them Kate sent you, and you’ll get to try out for free, okay?” The way the girl’s eyes start to sparkle, Kate knows at least did right by the child, if not by the father. But Marcus doesn’t seem aghast at the suggestion that his daughter take up martial arts.

“Can I, dad?” Missy looks up at Marcus, who smiles at her.

“Sure, we’ll check it out.”

He then directs his warm smile at Kate. “Thanks, that’s really nice of you. Missy?”

“Thank you!” The gratitude, albeit prompted, is sincere and delivered with a huge smile.

“You’re welcome,” Kate nods, then gestures down the hall, ill at ease. “I gotta go. Nice to meet you, Missy. Marcus.”

Bring Your Kids To Work Day. Figures. If any of Kate’s clients bring their kids with them to practice, she’s going on strike.

Thankfully none of them do, and she goes through the rest of her workday without having to deal with anyone younger than 30. Marcus’ smile is stuck on her retina for hours after the encounter, and when she gets on her bike at the end of the day to pedal home, she sees him walking towards his car, his daughter skipping next to him. His laughter carries across the parking lot to Kate.

To her surprise, the idea of Marcus as a father doesn’t turn her off. She still doesn’t want to be involved in his family life, have Sunday dinners with him, meet his kid and parents, but she's excited for their next rendezvous, which will be on the upcoming Saturday. Missy is going to a birthday party and Marcus has planned for him and Kate to go online shopping.

When she woke up the morning after, Marcus was still there. He was already up, coming out of the shower when she blinked her eyes open, a towel slung around his narrow hips. The sight had been so titillating she found herself asking him, almost shyly, if he wanted to have sex, just sex, no power plays. He did. He took charge without being bossy, guided her through the experience with a firm yet caring hand, praised her when she finally let the orgasm wash through her. She asked him to stay for breakfast, insisted that she cooked, and while they were enjoying scrambled eggs and smoothies, he wanted to know if she would see him again.

"Yes!" she had exclaimed, comically eager, and he had smiled across the table at her.

"Then we need to get some stuff. Can I take you sex toy shopping next Saturday?"

She sees an opening here, a chance to explore her sexuality, find out about pleasures she never knew she would be into. She likes Marcus, trusts him, is comfortable with him. Shopping for sex toys is going to be a brand new experience; her shitty vibrator was bought on a whim from Amazon and is constantly in need of new batteries.

Work occupies her mind well enough for the rest of the week and Saturday afternoon finally arrives with Marcus coming by her apartment in the afternoon.

"Hi," he smiles when she opens the door. He's once again irresistibly handsome in ludicrously casual yet stylish clothes. The leather jacket comes off when he steps in, and he pushes his glasses up with his pointer finger before asking if he can kiss her.

"Sure," she allows and Marcus immediately leans in, giving her a soft and brief kiss that leaves behind a tingle on her lips.

"I've thought about kissing you all week," Marcus confesses, looking a little bashful. She can't figure him out. He's dominant in bed but shy yet cheeky outside of it. She has a feeling most of the friends would call him perfect boyfriend material.

"Me too," she admits. It's true: since last Saturday, she's masturbated every morning before getting up, and every night before falling asleep. Their date night was more than a vitamin injection to her sex life: it was an enormous syringe filled with every steroid and upper known to man. Suddenly she couldn't help but think of his kisses, his hands, the way he handled her, took care of her, and she had to lie down and touch herself until her cheeks were flushed and her panties drenched.

It's madness.

She now directs him to the kitchen, where her laptop waits on the table, and offers him a glass of wine.

"Just the one." He sounds rueful. "I've got to pick Missy up in two hours."

Kate nods and opens the bottle and takes out two glasses, gesturing for him to sit down. Marcus, however, remains standing.

"Let's do it on the couch," he tells her in a low voice. The way he says do it makes Kate think of something else entirely, and the tingle spreads from her lips to the rest of her body. She hands him his glass, takes her own, and picks up the laptop.

"Okay, then."

Kate sits down, cross-legged, and sips the wine as Marcus takes control of the laptop and types in the address of an online store. A tasteful website that makes Kate think of soft velvet, exquisite lace, and the scent of vintage leather comes up. Marcus looks at her.

"What do you use when you pleasure yourself, Kate?"

She almost chokes on the wine but manages to swallow somewhat gracefully.

"I... have a vibrator but it's not that good. I mostly just use my hands."

"Have you ever used a dildo?"

Kate shakes her head. She never needed one and now she feels she has to explain herself.

"Look, I'm not a nun," she points out, a sharp edge to her voice. "I've had sex. I like sex. I just don't always find the time to date, and men don't always accept that I have a physically active lifestyle. Back when I still competed, it was impossible to maintain a relationship."

She shrugs. "I use martial arts to work out my frustrations. I've never thought about getting toys, I don't have the time."

"I'm sorry if I offended you," Marcus says softly. "I didn't mean to imply anything. I just want to know what you like to use on yourself."

"Not much," she concludes and raises the glass to her lips, taking three greedy gulps.

"What do you want to use?"

She has no idea. "What do you suggest?"

There it is again, that dark intensity in his eyes. His fingers land on the laptop's touchpad and he moves the cursor around, clicks, and shows Kate the screen. She looks at it sceptically.

"Handcuffs?"

"Or ropes. I'd like to tie your hands together above your head and then..." He clicks around a little more. A stick with a feather at the end of it shows up. Marcus studies her reaction closely. "I'd tease your beautiful tits and your pretty little pussy with this until you're squirming."

A shiver runs down Kate's spine and her gaze goes from the laptop screen to Marcus's face, and back again.

"Yeah?" she breathes. Marcus smiles, displaying a predatory glint of teeth as he takes a sip of wine.

"Yeah."

He reaches for her, hand ghosting around the soft swell of her breast, almost touching but still not. The nipple puckers against the cup of her bra, and Kate finds herself wanting to thrust out her chest so that Marcus can grab her, fondle her, fucking touch her already.

"Like this," he murmurs, finishing up with a light brush over the nipple before sitting back with the laptop. "I think we'll add that to cart."

"Definitely," Kate agrees, a little weakly. Marcus shoots her a smile that's all boyishness and flirt, not seductive and teasing like only a moment earlier.

"What about the restraints?" he asks casually. Kate tilts her head, catching on to his little game.

"I don't have bedposts. How would you go about it?"

He reaches for her glass and puts it down on the side table, then takes her hands, raising both to his mouth. He kisses the inside of one wrist, then the other. The brief touch of his lips on her skin feels like a punch to the gut and Kate realizes that she's holding her breath. Her quick inhale becomes a small gasp when Marcus suddenly takes a hard grip of both her wrists and twists her arms behind her back. Her eyes fall shut when he leans in to nuzzle her neck.

"Your heart is beating so fast," he whispers before tracing his tongue down her jugular. "Is that because of me?"

"It is," she confirms in a breathless moan. "Marcus..."

"Hush." He nibbles on her earlobe, his breath warm in her ear when he continues: "You may not have bedposts but I can still tie your hands together behind your back, like this, or above your head, or I can cuff your hands and feet to bars and spread you open, and then tease you until you're weeping for me to fuck your warm, wet pussy..."

Kate’s head is swimming and she forces herself to take a deep breath in order to steady herself. It’s almost embarrassing how easily affected she is by his deep, seductive voice. When she opens her eyes, Marcus’s face is right in front of hers, watching her intently.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” he breathes, and Kate nods.

“I’d like that.”

He smiles then, almost cheerfully, as he releases her wrists.

“Good, we’ll got restraints as well!”

Marcus redirects his attention to the laptop and sips the wine. Heat is throbbing hard and fast through Kate’s body as she shifts uncomfortably, her longing gaze resting heavily on Marcus’s sharp profile. A small smile is playing in the corner of his mouth, letting her know that he’s aware of her hunger. He is, however, making himself busy clicking around the site, the cursor repeatedly going over the Add to cart button.

“We’re also buying a Magic wand,” he rules, turning the laptop so that she can see. The vibator on the screen looks like a microphone and seems huge. A Magic wand is, however, something Kate has heard of, and she's not hard-pressed to try one. She wants to hear what plans he has for it, though.

“What’s it for?”

Marcus tilts his head, eyes darkening again as he changes from sweet and practical to smouldering.

“I’d use it on your clit until you’ve cum so many times that you can’t take it anymore, Kate. How does that sound?”

“That… sounds rough.”

“I think you can take it. Can’t you? For me?”

His hand is now playing along the waistline of her pants. Kate feels a strong surge of want deep in her belly, a heavy damp in her panties. Her mouth is dry as she tries to find her voice.

“Show me, Marcus. Please.”

“Such a sweet, desperate thing, asking so nicely…”

Marcus puts the laptop to the side and pulls Kate into him, his large hand cupping her between the legs, finger digging into the hard denim.

"Please," Kate begs again, chasing his lips for a kiss but Marcus denies her the pleasure with a sharp slap to the side of her ass.

"You know what else we need? A paddle."

Kate blinks in disbelief as Marcus turns back to the laptop. "A paddle?"

"I think you can take a lot more than my hand, Kate."

He shows her the screen and with a little frown between her eyebrows, she inspects the leather paddle on display. The memory of the exhilaration she felt after the spanking Marcus gave her a week ago makes her shiver in anticipation. The raised hairs on her arms don't pass by unnoticed.

"You're blushing, Kate." His voice is warm and a little teasing. Kate tears her gaze from the screen and meets his.

"It's the wine."

"You want me to paddle you, don't you? Want me to match your ass to your face before I slide my fingers inside you."

She swallows hard before beating her eyelashes coquettishly. "Get the paddle."

His grin is broad as he dips his head to reward her with a kiss that makes her toes curl.

They add a mask and a dildo - Kate picks an elegantly curved glass one - before Marcus declares that they're done. He clicks on to the shopping cart and pulls his phone from his pocket for his bank details. A little shocked at the total, Kate shakes her head.

"You're not paying for all of that."

"Of course I am, it was my idea," Marcus assures her, but Kate quickly grabs the laptop from him and holds it out of reach.

"No," she insists, "it doesn't feel right. I don't want... gifts from you. It would feel weird."

Marcus nods immediately, seeing her point. "You're right. I'm sorry, I should've thought of that."

"I want us to split, fifty-fifty." She sees that there's a part of him that wants to protest, some old-fashioned gentlemanly notion of not letting her pay, but he agrees. Only when she has made sure he has Venmo does she relinquish the laptop to him so that she can pick up her own phone and send him the money.

"Can I have it all shipped straight to you?" he asks. "It's easier if I don't have to explain mystery boxes to Missy, or try to keep my secretary from opening it."

"Sure."

He smells so good, why does he smell so good? Now that their shopping spree is in the bag, so to speak, Kate begins to feel jittery. She's soaking wet, flushed, and there is still time to do something about it before Marcus has to leave. When he closes the lid of her laptop and puts it to the side, she all but scrambles onto his lap.

"What a state you're in," he tuts at her as she tries to capture his lips in a desperate kiss. "No, sweetheart, that's not how this works."

Lower lip caught between her teeth and heart in her throat, Kate sits back and waits for him to give her an order. Marcus softly caresses a red lock of hair from her forehead and cups her cheek.

"I want you to take your pants off, lie down on the couch, and touch yourself. Can you do that for me?"

The split second of hesitation must show on Kate's face because Marcus immediately lifts his left hand to her other cheek and makes her look him in the eye.

"Does that make you uncomfortable?"

His eyes are chocolatey, warm, deep. Kate tries to swim in their sugary thickness but finds that she'd rather drown.

"I'll try," she whispers, and Marcus rewards her wih a possessive kiss that takes her breath away. When he releases her, it's only to make room for her on the couch. Kate rises, her legs like jelly, and manages to take off her jeans. Only when she kicks off her panties does she realize that she could have put on a little show, slowed it down, maybe danced a little for Marcus, made him squirm. Maybe next time.

A little awkward about being so exposed, she lies down on the couch, both knees bent and pointing towards the ceiling. Marcus places his big palm over one knee and pushes it gently to the side, making her open her legs.

"This leg down," he instructs her, nodding when she slides her foot off the couch and down to the floor, separating the thigh from the other. "Yes, just like that. Now go ahead, touch yourself. Don't mind me. Just think about what you usually think about when you masturbate."

That's easy: all she's thought about lately is him. She closes her eyes, needing nothing but the smell of his cologne is in her nostrils and the warmth of his body so close to her when she reaches between her legs. Already sopping wet and horny, she goes straight for her clit, circling it eagerly with two fingers. The relief of her own touch makes her moan and the heat inside her starts to thicken and rise from the very core of her. It's embarrassing how quickly she reaches a desperate height, her hand working frantically to throw her over the edge, there, right there, just a little further...

"That's enough, baby."

Kate doesn't register the meaning of the words, only the sweet tone of his voice that makes her grab onto the couch with her free hand, her spine starting to arch as she nears her peak - only to be rudely interrupted by Marcus, who grabs her hand and pulls it away from between her legs.

"I said enough." He sounds a little more determined now, yet still patient and warm, like he was telling a child it's time to go home from the park. Kate opens her eyes just as he brings her hand up to his face and starts to suck the slick off her fingers.

"Marcus," she whimpers, "what are you doing?"

He kisses the tip of her pointer finger with a smile. "I have to go."

"What?"

"I gotta pick Missy up." He leans over her and brushes his lips over hers. She can smell and taste herself on him, but her brain is still frantically scrambling to understand what's happening.

"Marcus, I... I have to... I need to..."

"I know you want to cum, baby," he soothes her with a smile that's all concern and care. "I know. I see it. But you're not allowed to. You're not going to touch yourself for the rest of the day, okay?"

Kate blinks, still desperate with need to be fucked by either herself or him, her clit throbbing amid the slick that she can feel all the way her thighs, heart beating like after a particularly hard training session.

"Do you understand me?" Marcus stares down at her, suddenly bossy. Kate finds herself and nods.

"Yes, I understand." Her voice is small, pitiful. "But Marcus..."

"I'll call you tonight. No touching until then."

He rises from the couch and she sees from the front of his jeans that he's not unaffected. It gives her some comfort.

"I'll show myself out. Have a good afternoon, Kate."

Cheeks burning, Kate watches him leave her apartment before she slowly sits up. For a moment she considers going against his command but decides not to: he must have some kind of reward waiting. Isn't that how this works?

She gets up and goes to the bathroom to wash herself before changing into clothes for running. Putting on her killer playlist and earbuds, she leaves her apartment in the hopes of running it off.

When Marcus calls her later that night, she's almost managed to forget about the incident but her skin starts to crawl with anticipation when he asks her to put the phone on speaker, take her clothes off, and finish what she started earlier.

"And I want to hear you, baby," he tells her. "Make sure I hear you."

Kate lets him hear it all.

[blackvail22]

9/24/23 — 1:10am

theres a lot that happened within the past two days its insane. on the 22nd, i had to train this new associate for the whole day. he's rlly nice, and he's fun to talk to. he caught on really quick! im excited to work with him

also, that same day, i got back with my ex!!! it could be a dumb decision (because this is the 3rd time) but i really want things to work out. again, no one is going to know besides you... and... my coworkers, but thats different

the coworker that gave me his number, he gave me a note at work that says "im awkward so i dont know how to say this out loud, but i like you" and then taped a soda tab on it (it was the "hug" meaning one, which... i dont like but could be worse). so! ive told the new associate i have a boyfriend. im going to tell them i have a boyfriend, but im telling those im closest to at work that its because i dont want my worker to hit on me anymore

if he keeps going after that, i have to report him. im not letting someone get away with that, not this time.

i have to start standing up for myself... im just scared because of that teenager who got killed because she rejected her (adult) co-worker, im afraid its going to be me. this is the reason i dont like hearing abt death.

on another note, back to abt my boyfriend....

im writing this as soon as i ended the call with him. i miss him already. i wonder how and why my brain changes how i react to things because of a label. i feel so clingy. i want to talk to him more. he does make me happy, and i hope i make him happy too

oh, i also bought this candle... its supposed to "smell like london" and it says the scent is "afternoon biscuits and tea" so thats nice. i bought it to think of you, nd its nice that the color of the candle matches my room

oh last thing ! i took my permit drivers test and i passed it! feels so surreal because i never thought i was ever gonna end up driving but here we are lol

anyways i like this song

6:06am —

dude i couldnt fall asleep until like 4:30am and my mom woke me up at 5:30, screaming at me to find something i didnt have!!! i found it! and it was in her bag, a place she didnt look (because she only looked one place!!!!!!) at least i can sleep now, but idek if i can do that because i feel awake now. im going to sob. FUVKKK I HAVE A HEADACHE AND SINUS PAIN NOW IM GOING TO CRY DUDE. and the fact that she walked up the stairs to scream at me (she never walks up the stairs)???? ooo. im so mad bro! like im going to wake up whenever i have my alarms set and im going to punch a wall because i cant sleep without getting interrupted. IM PISSED TF OFF NOW bevause i havent had adequate sleep since my last off day (a week ago) and i dont have a lot of sleep for tomorrow because i have to wake up at 6am for an appointment thats 2hrs away. sure, ill sleep in the car, but with my mom? she wont let it happen. and i dont have another off day untl thursday, and i cant sleep in for that one either becahse i have another goddamn appointment in the morning. like, is this what being an adult is? being harrassed by coworkers, never having enough sleep, never able to fall asleep.... it cant be cause those all haopened when i was a teenager too. stuck in that cycle, though, and i cant wait for that cycle to finally end.

bad things always tend to happen to me. is it because i bring bad energy? AHHHHHHH i just need to scream cry

i am going to try to sleep now. I've rambled on for way too long

11:17pm

been incredibly sad today. i think it was my lack of sleep, or maybe it was my mom yelling at me and waking me up. still, my heart feels so ... heavy. i cant help but feel bad for people who love me. if i was them, i would choose anyone else to love endlessly. im undeserving of it all, anyway. i dont feel happy tonight. i hope tomorrow's better. i dont know what changed and made me feel this way because when i woke up and went to work, everything was fine until half way through my shift. it didnt really effect me, but them saying "oh, fun's over.. [my name]'s in a bad mood again.. everyone get away" keeps playing in my mind. it didnt affect me then, so i dont know why i keep thinking about it

i just want to fit on my roof and look at the moon, but its been rising really early so i dont think ill be able to see it now. ill watch some livestreams from space of the earth/the moon instead. something to comfort me while listening to music. i havent been able to watch any videos all the way through recently.. havent even been able to watch those gaming streams i like. hopefully ill feel better before i go to sleep

[dzpenumbra]

7/6/23

Well whatta ya know, it's 5 AM again. Today was fucking weird.

I woke up like 3 times, but ended up getting a cumulative 8 hours... but still felt exhausted all day. Yoga was fine but my workout was really intense and I ended up almost hitting a wall where my muscles just couldn't push anymore due to weakness. That wasn't fun. But I got through it.

I was incredibly inspired yesterday, and today... fell flat. I got a lot of cleaning done, which I was totally into for some reason. But I tried to stream and work and I was just... falling asleep the whole time. And I couldn't figure out what to do, and I had been going for 2 hours... and no one was watching anyway... so I just ended the stream and played Hades. It's not the end of the world. I just... I guess it's just exhaustion? I don't know. I just feel really deflated. Which is so far from where I was yesterday.

Guess I'm just having an off-day.

I ordered stuff to make my own granola and trail mix, so I should have plenty of breakfast and snacks on hand. The catch is... I'm completely out until that gets here between 5-7 tomorrow. I guess that's not the worst thing anyway, it's not like I eat before then anyhow.

Such a weird schedule I'm on. I haven't been finishing my coffee until like 8:30 PM. I don't know how to fix it at this point. Not sure if I even need to. Very disorienting.

Ugh, I'm feeling very sluggish.

I found something this morning that really upset me. It was a big mark on my window where I think a mourning dove hit. There was bird shit splattered on the window and a little down feather on it, and a wing mark. I really hope it was okay, I've been feeling really really guilty all day. And I have no idea how to clean it. I'm on the second floor and if I open my window... it kinda just slides in and overlaps the other window? If that makes sense? And I can't really reach far enough to clean it. I tried and got some of it with my spray bottle, but yeah. I'm having second thoughts about the birdfeeder. It's only the doves that are... not the most agile in the world... I haven't had any problems at all with the Nuthatches or Cardinals or Blue Jays or Finches or Chickadees. But the doves were very clumsy and started showing up in groups of 4 or 5 toward the end there. So I just... didn't refill the feeder yet. And I'm going to sorta sit and think on that. Whether it's worth birds putting their lives in danger just so I can be closer to nature.

It brings up that concept of ahimsa again, "not harming". It's an obsession for me, at a Tartarus-like level. I am constantly obsessing about how my actions could harm others - physically, emotionally, psychologically - and I justify it under the guise of "mindfulness". But, ironically, this obsession is a form of self-flagellation, self-punishment... for things I haven't even done... which is... wait for it... self-harm. Man, what a guiltless life it must be to not give half a shit if you hurt other living beings in any way. I don't really know how to process reflecting on how I have harmed others. Or how to feel about the harm that comes to others by their own actions, but my actions played a role in that situation coming to pass? If that makes sense? Like... the bird. It's a sorta silly example to some, I'm sure, but go with me. If I hadn't refilled the birdfeeder, they wouldn't have gotten in the habit of coming to my window, and it wouldn't have smacked the window at some point and hurt itself. If I had noticed that they were congregating a bit too often (which I did notice), and removed the birdseed... that bird might not have come back. That's two possible alternate timelines in which that bird might have not hit the window, because of my decisions. Now... the fact that I did not make those decisions, does that mean that I directly caused that bird harm? That I essentially trained that bird to develop a dangerous habit? Or... did that bird make a dangerous decision on its own and harm itself? Where is that line?

Defining the lines on this is very hard. It's like rocket fuel for anxiety. What if? What if? What if? "If I go for a walk and pass by someone and my presence (my tattoos, the way I'm dressed, I don't know) makes someone uncomfortable, does that mean I have caused them emotional harm or does that mean that they are suffering from their own judgement?" "If I am in a conflict with someone who I want to preserve a relationship with, and they start accusing me of causing harm to them by doing something I am not doing... do I defend myself, and possibly cause more harm?" Infinite situations, infinite questions.

You'd think... that just having good, pure, pacifistic intentions would be enough. You'd think that just devoting your life to doing your very best to just breathe in self-love and breath out love for others, and cultivating the best Self you can muster that day would be enough. It seems miles beyond the goals of most people I've met in my life, who only really seem concerned with "winning" or making money or acquiring some material goal or just surviving through the day. But what do you do when your love... is misinterpreted?

A memory came to me. From a mushroom trip. I'm still in this weird place where... when you get older, your distant memories... they can get blurry sometimes. Like... you can be unsure if that's the exact memory or if it kinda blended together with a movie you saw around that time? If that makes sense? Add in hallucinogens and it really ups the ante, I'll tell you that.

This memory was a mushroom trip in a small rural village in the woods. We were in a country house that my friends were renting, and we prepared a pizza and put shrooms on it and I ended up eating the equivalent of 1/4 ounce. I'm pretty sure it was winter, or at least late fall. We went upstairs, it was incredibly dark... man, I can actually see the interior of this house, the dark wooden floors and bannisters, the sorta stucco popcorn ceiling stuff. I can see the actual layout of the house, it's crazy how vivid that memory is. We all went upstairs, but apparently someone turned the heater on, which was like... an actual furnace with fire in it in the basement. When we were upstairs, we played music. I remember it being spectacular. And I remember we played a cover of "No Rain" at one point. And we talked and shit, we were all sitting on a mattress on the floor in the room, I guess it was someone's bedroom. And they all left at some point, and I was up there alone after. And... I don't know if it was on in the background the whole time... but the movie Bruce Almighty was on. And I've experienced this twice now while on mushrooms... where if I'm watching a movie, one of the characters breaks the fourth wall and talks directly to me. And in my perception of the film, the rest of the movie is a blur, it's like... black and white and filler content... and then the scenes with the specific character are full-color and talking directly to me. And in this case, it was Morgan Freeman. And that really got in my head a bit, mostly because this had happened in the past... and I was alone experiencing this. And I have an anxiety disorder... (aka I get scared by surreal shit pretty intensely, and it's a very visceral emotional response) So... either the movie ended or I turned it off, I don't really remember which... but I was left in a dark room. I don't think it was completely dark, maybe there was static or a blue screen from the DVD player or something. And the ceiling was doing that fractal melty swirl visual thing, I remember that vividly. And then came the part that I'm afraid might be an overlapping memory of a film because of how... outlandish yet profound the experience was. I encountered... something. This is so hard to put into words... not the actual image of what I experienced, but how I perceived it. I don't feel like I perceived this as an actual manifestation standing directly in front of me, like I could reach out and touch it... but like... kinda like a shadow out of the corner of your eye... but in front of me. Or seeing something in your mind's eye... kinda? I don't know, I'm struggling to explain. But it was... like a giant mass of eyes. And I remember it unfurling a gigantic scroll of aged parchment and... at no point did it speak, it sorta... I just sorta knew what it was doing. It was reading me a list of all of my sins, all of the wrongs I had done. And I reeled, and I cowered like a child, and I curled into the fetal position on the mattress in the corner of the room until someone came up and found me. Apparently, they all went outside or something and it was like 200 degrees upstairs, because they left the heater on blast and all the heat went upstairs. I was fine after all this, there were some normal mushroom antics after that, but nothing nearly as profound as that experience.

That experience stuck with me for over 15 years. It changed a lot of my understanding of myself. Regardless of whether what I experienced was a projection of my imagination, or my subconscious, or an experience with an actual entity... it really doesn't matter to me. Because my big takeaway from that... is the classic spirit journey. The right of passage. The original purpose that tribal cultures used these mushrooms for, ceremonially. That was supposed to be a moment where I "became a man". Spiritually. Where I looked at my demon, my Achilles' Heel, my deepest fear and greatest weakness... and I did not back down. I shared the room with it, and met it as a peer. That is what a guide would most likely have aided with, or helped me translate from my experience after the fact. I thought for over a decade that I was face-to-face with Judgement. The eyes, the list... but... ever since studying Tarot... I really feel like the archetype that fits closest to that is Justice. True Justice, whatever spiritual language you want to translate that into. An aspect of God? Maybe an angel? Karma? Causality? I don't know. I've never really had a language for stuff like that since I grew up without any form of religion.

But I functioned for a long time on the assumption that Judgement was keeping score, and letting me know that nothing is forgotten. Which we could get pretty deep on how that's a pretty clear metaphor for my family and my upbringing... But more than that... the interesting part is that... I never interpreted that being as... a deliverer of Justice. More just... informing me so that I can go ahead and punish myself with guilt and shame. And hell, maybe that's part of the Justice, yeah? Or maybe it's indicative of a completely separate problem.

Why am I rambling about this when I should be in bed? This is a big core of my anxiety. Fear of Judgement, fear of false Justice. That despite my best efforts to be a truly good and kind and loving and honest person, someone's going to come along and put a fucking gun to my temple because they don't like the way I look. Or I accidentally made eye contact or walked down the wrong street. Maybe a bit of an exaggeration... but the feeling is of the same root.

And that... that makes this whole "non-harm" thing really messy and confusing. Because the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. So... do you get bad Karma if you have the world's best intentions and are pure of heart... but trip and accidentally hurt someone? I mean, it's technically causing harm...

I don't know, it's been in the back of my mind, I haven't been able to shake it. Food for thought. No tarot tonight again, until I can get my sleep sorted out... eventually.

[radiant-reid]

...The Problem In Houston...

← Two Hours in Miami

Summary: Spencer and Y/n's questionable, drunk, cliché decisions leads them to a sober decision which leads them to have to face some consequences.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader (Angst then fluff)

Content Warning: child abduction case details | vomiting | pregnancy

Word Count: 4.9k

Masterlist

Neither Y/n nor Spencer hurried to get their marriage annulled. After their time in Miami, their dynamic had changed. Legally, they were married, but actually, they were sexually involved and trying not to be awkward about it. More than friends, definitely, but a whole lot less than married.

The team still had lots of cases to work and consult on. It was a good thing because it meant their attention was off trying to figure out where their relationship was going. But it also meant they were in close proximity, not helped by Garcia's hotel meddling.

It was tense for the rest of the team, as well. No one struggled to figure out the cause of the couple's tardiness. Bets had been placed, glances to one another had been made, but the jury was still out.

Weeks after the... incident, the team had been called in at 6 in the morning for a case.

"Thank you all for coming in so early," Hotch announced, making his way into the round table room at a quickened pace.

From next to her, Y/n could see the concerned look on Spencer's face. More troubled than he usually was when a case came, as he bit down on his bottom lip and his eyebrows drew together.

"What happened?" Spencer spluttered out quickly. He knew things weren't good if Garcia didn't know what was happening. Y/n moved her hand, resting it against his in the hopes it would calm him.

"Two child kidnappings in Houston," Hotch answered, handing Spencer a file while the rest of them got information popping up on their screens. It shouldn't have made Spencer feel reassured, but he was thankful no one was leaving or injured. "Allison Kilby, 7, and Mason Boyd, 8, were both taken from houses only 3 blocks apart."

They were all flicking through the information about the children, familiarizing themselves. "Where's the clock at?" Rossi asked him.

"At least 4 hours. Allison's mother noticed her missing at 2 am when she checked on her after their baby woke up. Mason's parents discovered he was missing at 5:30 this morning when his dad got up to go to work." Hotch continued with the case information.

Morgan looked up at him. "We're thinking stranger abduction?"

"The odds of it not being a stranger in such close proximity on the same night are staggeringly low," Spencer commented.

Hotch nodded. "The child abduction rapid deployment team is already on the ground. The jet's standing by, we've got a long flight, so we leave immediately." He informed them. The time sensitivity of the case didn't leave them with a lot of time to discuss theories when they could do it on the jet.

Just like that, they were back in the air once again. Garcia fed them information from Quantico while the team discussed theories. They requested the additional information they needed. Then they considered how to best use the media to their advantage before Hotch assigned their tasks.

"Here," Spencer said, placing a mug of coffee in front of Y/n as he took the seat next to her. He chose to ignore JJ's eyes, shifting up to look at them as she raised her eyebrows. Ever since they got married, the two of them had every look, every gesture, and every word they spoke scrutinized by the other profilers.

Y/n thanked him with a smile, taking a sip of her coffee. As soon as she tasted it, she had to sip it back out into the cup. "What did you put in that?" She asked, turning to look at Spencer as she grimaced.

Spencer knew how she liked her coffee. He memorized how everyone took their coffee, but especially Y/n. "I made it exactly how I always make it." He maintained before correcting himself. "How you always make it."

"No offense, Spence, but it tastes horrible," Y/n informed him, patting him lightly on the arm as she moved the cup away from herself. She could hear JJ's snigger from across the table.

There was a defined pout as Spencer looked at her. He knew there was no way he could have gotten it wrong. Picking it up to try it only confirmed his theory. It was precisely the way she'd always had it. Identical in taste to the cup she made 2 weeks prior, when she was trying to convince him it was better than his. "Y/n, it's the same." He assured her.

Y/n just shrugged. "Maybe I just don't like it anymore." She suggested. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Can I get you something else?" Spencer offered. He figured she was just sick, probably a cold. She shook her head. "Are you sick?"

Once again, she shook her head. "I'm good, really." She assured him, knowing he tended to worry when anyone on the team was sick. Spencer just nodded, not ready to comment further with everyone's eyes on them.

Morgan, Spencer, and Y/n were sent to talk to one set of parents and analyze the abduction site. JJ and Hotch managed the media, and Rossi and Emily went to the other parents.

"Mr. and Mrs. Kilby, I'm SSA Derek Morgan." Morgan introduced himself, shaking the parents' tremblings hands. "This is Dr. Spencer Reid and SSA Y/n Reid." He said it as it was a natural thing. Not even a smirk on his face like he was trying to joke with them.

Y/n and Spencer weren't going to jump in to correct him in front of the distraught parents. It was something she'd never get used to seeing. From the blame that Mr. and Mrs. Kilby had placed on themselves to the uncontrollable spiral of thinking Allison, it always got to her. The worst thing was, there was nothing Y/n could immediately do to help ease the heartbreak.

"We just need to ask you a few questions about Allison," Spencer told them, taking a seat across from them. There was a tenderness in his voice that Y/n adored.

"I'm going to take a look around her bedroom if that's okay?" Morgan wondered, stepping closer to the door of the bedroom.

Both of the parents nodded, clutching onto a teddy bear that Y/n assumed belonged to Allison.

Spencer began his questioning while Y/n looked around the living room. She always found it uncomfortable to look around victims' homes while they were alive.

They had only been there for a few moments when the baby monitor started sounding. Wailing from the 10-week old brother of Allison. Mrs. Kilby launched for the monitor, wiping the tears out of her eyes with a sigh as she went to stand up.

"I can go and get him," Y/n comforted her, knowing how difficult it was for the parents.

Mrs. Kilby nodded at her thankfully. "He's, um, he's been sleeping in our closet." She managed to get out through sobs. Y/n shot Spencer a look. If the baby had been so close to the parents, what prompted Mrs. Kilby to check on Allison.

"It's the second door on the left." Mr. Kilby filled in, squeezing his wife's hand tighter.

Y/n nodded, leaving to find baby Jacob. "Hey, hey, hey, it's okay." She cooed, scooping him up. He was the sweetest little thing, thin, light brown hair, wide brown eyes, tiny little fingers and toes, dressed in a blue one-piece with dinosaurs on it. "Oh, aren't you cute?" She muttered, bouncing him up and down in her arms as she brought him out to the living room.

"I'll, uh, go and g-get his bottle." Mr. Kilby stated, standing up to move to the kitchen.

Y/n returned the now quietened baby to his mother. "He's adorable." She complimented as Mrs. Kilby hugged him tight to her.

"He looks just like A-Ally did." She mumbled, studying the baby, before looking back to the Reids. "Do you... do you two have kids?" She asked them.

It wasn't a stretch to understand why she might assume that. Y/n took the question, guessing Spencer would try to explain their situation. "No, we don't."

"If you do, you're going to be good parents." She replied with a sad smile, her eyes flicking between the two of them. "I can tell."

Spencer smiled back at her. "Thank you." That definitely was the more straightforward answer.

The case continued onward, everyone giving it their all to try and recover the children. Still, only 20 hours in, Y/n was more than ready to fall asleep. Usually, she could last at least 30 hours without sleep and an adequate amount of coffee. Mainly due to the severity of the case.

Spencer noticed her yawning. "Are you sure you're not unwell?" He asked, holding the back of his palm to her forehead.

"Reid." She wined, pulling back, but Spencer was persistent, holding his hand to his forehead. He was far more concerned at the fact she could be ill than he was with the odd looks he was getting from the team.

Spencer eyed her skeptically. "You're a little warm." He noticed.

"I feel fine. I'll sleep once this case is over." Y/n insisted, giving him a firm stare, so he knew to shut up.

Only 7 hours later, they were entering an abandoned commercial building, looking for the unsub and children.

FBI vest on and gun raised, Y/n pushed open a door only to reveal a little girl, tied up with duct tape over her mouth. She was seated on an old mattress in the small, dark room, absolute fear in her eyes. "I've got Allison!" She called out to the team before rushing over to the little girl. "Hey, Allison, my name's Y/n. I'm one of the good guys." She assured Allison, tears streamed out of her eyes as she struggled about. "Don't worry, you're safe now."

Carefully, she took the duct tape off. "Where's mommy and daddy?" The little girl cried out.

"Right outside, sweetheart. I promise." Y/n comforted her, working on untying the ropes on her hands. "They've missed you so much."

"Are they angry?" Allison asked her between sobs. "I didn't want to go with him...he had a gun, and... and he told me he'd kill them if I didn't."

Y/n couldn't shake her head quick enough, wanting to cry herself. It broke her heart that the little girl could blame herself. "They're not mad at all. You've been so brave." She assured the little girl, picking her up once the ropes were undone.

She carried Allison out to her waiting parents, handing her to them. Just the way they hugged, all crying but finally reunited, was enough to have light tears streaming down Y/n's cheeks.

Spencer noticed, having just walked out of the building with Hotch, who had the unsub in handcuffs. He jogged over, wrapping an arm around Y/n and pulling her into his chest.

"Hey, it's okay," Spencer assured her, whispering softly into her ear while Y/n cried harder onto his chest. He ran his hand over her hair, holding her tightly.

She pulled back after a while, wiping her eyes. "Sorry, it doesn't normally get to me."

Spencer shook his head. "You've got to be able to show emotion. You can't do this job if you don't." He reminded her softly. It wasn't a secret that her compartmentalizing skills were better than Spencer's. He could count the number of times he had seen her cry on a single hand.

"I know," Y/n said, grateful for his forever sweet nature. She knew no one on the team would have hesitated to wrap her in a hug, but Spencer always made her feel infinitely more comfortable.

Spencer held her close to his side as they walked to the SUVs, past the sounds of police cars, talking officers, and ambulances. "I'm really proud of you." He mentioned, sitting next to her in the back of the SUV.

Y/n looked up at him with a soft smile, resting her head on his shoulder while he ran his hands up and down her arm. "Thank you, Spencer, seriously." She mumbled to him, letting her eyes close as her fatigue took over.

She didn't wake up until they were back at the motel, and the car suddenly stopped. Spencer's attention was immediately back on her. "Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep." She muttered, looking around at Morgan, who was driving, and JJ in the passenger seat.

"You looked pretty comfy there," JJ mentioned, looking back at the couple with a smirk.

Even half-awake, Y/n rolled her eyes, looking up at a slightly blushed Spencer. "What can I say? Spencer has comfortable shoulders." She joked.

"Uh, thanks," Spencer replied with a laugh, looking at her with a raised eyebrow. JJ and Morgan got out of the car, followed by Spencer and Y/n, all taking their go-bags from the trunk. The latter two hung back. "We're staying until 7," Spencer told her. Y/n glanced down to check her phone, almost 10. She really needed 8 hours of sleep before she had to wake up and pack her things.

Hotch was in the lobby, handing them both keycards and making sure Y/n was okay. They trailed up to the 4th floor, talking about anything that wasn't the case. Spencer could tell she was exhausted just by her quietened voice.

When they got to the 4th floor, Y/n stopped at room 11, holding her keycard to the scanner and unlocking the door. To her surprise, Spencer remained standing in the hall.

She spun back around to from at him. "Room 12," Spencer explained, holding up his own keycard. Y/n would be lying if she said she wasn't disappointed. Apparently, she was too tired to not let it show on her face. It only took Spencer a split second to decide what to do, following her inside and closing the door.

Y/n smiled appreciatively at him, wordlessly thanking him before stepping away to get changed into something more comfortable to sleep in. Spencer undressed, crawling under the cover with as minimal effort as possible. Y/n did the same thing, laying next to him before looking up at him. Even in the darkness, he could see the tears.

It only took Spencer a moment to understand what she needed. He wasn't always good at reading body language, but there was something simpler about reading Y/n's, especially when she had her guard completely down.

"Come here." Spencer softly whispered, pulling her body into his chest. Y/n felt instantly more comfortable just by smelling his cologne, her tears slowing. He placed a kiss on her forehead, one hand holding her lower back and the other resting against the back of her head. Like that, it didn't take them long to fall asleep.

It wasn't the alarm that awoke Spencer. It was the sound of someone being sick. Blinking his eyes open, memories filtering into his brain, he remembered he'd slept in Y/n's hotel room.

In the next second, he noticed Y/n wasn't in bed and got out of the covers, walking into the bathroom. She didn't even look up at him when he walked in, and she didn't have a chance to once he was scooping up her hair while she threw up again.

When she'd finished, Y/n turned around to look at him, embarrassment written all over her face. "Please don't look at me like this, Spencer." She requested, shaking her head as she got up off her knees. Spencer frowned at her, pouring her a glass of water which she gratefully gargled, getting the taste out of her mouth. "Seriously, I look terrible."

"You look beautiful," Spencer assured her, handing her toothbrush and toothpaste to her. Y/n wished she didn't have to blush at that, but she did as she brushed her teeth. He watched her intently, trying to form an accurate diagnosis of her symptoms.

Still, it was Y/n who spoke first. "I think I have the stomach flu or something." She concluded.

"You've had stomach aches?" Spencer asked her, again looking more concerned than he should be. This time accompanied by a paler face and thumping heart. His mind was thinking it all over too fast, and it dinged on only one possible explanation for all of the facts.

Y/n frowned at his frown. It was an amplification of the look he had in the field just before he realized something was about to go horribly wrong. She was careful in phrasing her answer. "No, I've just been vomiting."

"More than once?" Spencer spat out, eyes searching hers for an answer. Slowly, she nodded. "Don't hate me for saying this." He prefaced, and Y/n knew it was going to be serious.

"Spencer, what is it?" Y/n asked carefully, the building tension in the air making her uncomfortable.

Spencer tried to take a breath in, but it halted in his throat. With shaky hands, he spat out his answer. "I think you might be pregnant."

It was instant, the way the color flooded from her face. He saw her struggle to hold the countertop. Spencer only had a second to reach forward to grab her, knowing she was about to hit the floor if he didn't.

The sight around her quickly faded away, turning into black spots as her hearing when out. The last thing she felt was Spencer's arms around her. All too quickly, it was all gone.

When she came to a few seconds later, she was lying on the bed, and Spencer's words immediately registered again. "You think I'm what!?" She asked, quickly sitting up and looking around the room.

From where he sat next to her, Spencer reached out to lightly push her head back onto the pillow. "It's the only thing that makes sense."

It did, but Y/n wasn't ready to accept it. "No. No, no, no, it doesn't."

He leaned over to look at her, and Y/n couldn't believe how attractive he was from below her. It reminded her of the last time she'd seen him like that, on top of her.

Y/n scrambled to sit up properly, resting against the headboard while Spencer moved to sit in front of her. He picked her hands up, holding them in front of her while she brought her knees to her chest. Slowly, she realized what was happening, and it made her head spin. She wasn't sure if she needed to throw up again because she was actually sick or the thought made her sick.

"Y/n, just breath," Spencer instructed her, audibly taking deep breaths in and out so she would do the same thing.

When she'd finally regulated her breathing, she met his eyes properly. "I'm freaking out." She admitted the obvious.

He squeezed her hands, trying to ground her. "I know, I know, I'm sorry." Y/n chuckled softly at that, and Spencer reached out to place a hand on her cheek. She nuzzled into his palm, eyes filling with tears. "Are you going to be okay if I leave you here for a few minutes?"

Y/n quickly frowned. "Where are you going?"

"There's a 24-hour convenience store just down the road. I'm going to get a pregnancy test so we can know for sure." Spencer informed her, not taking his hands off her until she was okay with him going.

Y/n nodded, wiping a tear off her cheek. It was a good thing that one of them could be so calm. Even if Spencer was completely freaking out on the inside.

Reluctantly, he took his hand off her cheek. He moved across the room to put more clothing on and grab his things. The clock revealed he still had an hour until they had to go.

"Spence?" She asked just before he walked out the door. He turned back to look at her, concern flooding his face every time. "Can you get me Hershey's chocolate?"

Instead of commenting on the fact it was something she couldn't stand eating, he added it to the list of her symptoms. "Of course. Drink some water. Not too much, though, because it could lower the amount of human chorionic gonadotropin in your-"

"Yeah, got it, Spencer." Y/n cut him off. It was already awkward enough without having to talk about her urine.

In the 15 minutes that he was gone, Y/n did nothing but pace. She walked up and down the hotel room until she was sure her footsteps were imprinted on the carpet.

Finally, when he entered the room- having been smart enough to take her keycard- Y/n stilled. Unable to breathe as her heart started to pound. The realization that she was about to find out. To discover the truth.

"Don't faint again," Spencer said, walking over to place a hand on her waist.

Y/n held a hand over her mouth, trying to breathe in and out as she nodded. "Okay, okay, it's fine. I just have to get this over with." She decided, reaching into the bag Spencer was holding to pull out the box.

He knew it was just a facade, stopping her before she walked into the bathroom to wrap her in a hug. "It'll be okay." He assured her, letting her walk off to the bathroom.

It was as if she dissociated while she was in there, separating her brain from her actions like she was on autopilot.

She only had to wait a minimum of 60 seconds. Damn Spencer Reid for getting the fastest acting ones he could find. But she didn't want to do it alone. It was shaking in her hands as she walked out of the bathroom. Spencer took it out of her hands before she dropped it on the floor.

With each second that past her body seemed to find a new reaction. 15 seconds and she couldn't stand, her legs giving out as she rested against the foot of the bed.

Spencer was right there with her, threading his fingers through hers. He was talking, but she wasn't really hearing it. The vibrations were there, but she struggled to comprehend the words.

"Why was that the conclusion you came to?" Y/n asked, wanting to hear something. She only put it together after he said because of her tender breasts and then missing period, but those both weren't things he knew.

Spencer gazed at her for a second, reading whether or not she really wanted to know. "Your coffee, firstly. Hormonal changes alter our tastebuds, which also explains the chocolate." The chocolate she was far too nauseous to eat. "Fatigue was next. You were out like a light when you usually can't sleep for at least an hour after a case wraps. In early pregnancy, the progesterone hormone levels soar, which makes you tired."

"You should get an MD," Y/n mentioned with a chuckle. When she thought about Spencer, it was easier to not think about the test results.

Spencer smiled lightly at her. "You know, you always diffuse the tension in a room." He mentioned.

"Is that your way of saying I joke when I'm uncomfortable?" Y/n shot back with a smirk.

Spencer chuckled at that as well. "You want to know something?" He asked.

"Yeah?" Y/n replied, decreasingly interested in the test.

"Times up." There was that daunting feeling again. Complete dread washed over her face. Spencer pulled out the test, reading it and not telling Y/n.

She couldn't even read it on his face, despite how hard she tried. "You are an incredible poker player." She stated, voice higher from the lack of oxygen she was getting.

Everything moved incredibly slowly as Spencer said the single word that could change anything. "Positive." Her hand was to her mouth before she could stop it, unsure of whether to smile or scream. Spencer confirmed it by showing her the test, and her eyes watered as she read it.

Spencer took her hand away, unable to read her eyes properly. It might have been because of his own spinning heads or her tears, or his tears. For once in his life, he was unsure of what to do.

Was Y/n really sure it wasn't going to be positive? "What are we going to do?"

"Yes," Spencer answered before actually realizing what she'd asked. She laughed at his hurriedness. "Sorry, uh, well, I don't know."

The room became clear again, the background filling in around Spencer as Y/n started to feel better. Still, there wasn't a clear answer. "It's been like 5 weeks, right?"

"4 weeks and 5 days." Spencer corrected her softly.

Y/n bit her lip, her brain still looking for an answer she didn't believe it had. "We have to tell Hotch, right?" She realized, reaching out to grab Spencer's arm, looking at the time on his watch.

Spencer's eyes widened as he shook his head, slowly stopping when he realized the implications of her words. Carefully and forcibly, he kept his tone level. "You want to keep it?"

Y/n ducked her head, not wanting to meet her eyes when she admitted it. "I think so?" She squeaked out.

Deep down, Spencer realized that was what he wanted. And it scared him like nothing else ever had. He reached under her chin, pushing her head up to meet his eyes.

"Hey, that's okay." He assured her, nothing but sincerity in his tone. She could feel the smile he was trying to hide. It was the most reassuring thing she'd ever felt.

As soon as he said that, her eyes flicked up to meet his. "What?"

"Y/n, it's my fault we're in this position-"

Y/n shook her head, cutting him off. "Kind of mine, too."

Spencer chuckled at that, impressed she could joke as tears streamed down both of their cheeks. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm here for you. Every step of the way, regardless of what you want to do."

"Promise?" Y/n wondered, unthreading their hands to hold up her pinky finger.

The smile that washed over Spencer's face was a dead giveaway. She only saw it as a giveaway for his support, not for the adoration he had for her.

Locking his pinky with hers, he spoke. "I promise." Silently, they shook them just like a handshake but of a far deeper connection. "You don't have to figure it all out right now because, trust me, I know, there are a lot of decisions. But whatever you end up deciding, I'm here for you."

It was true that she didn't have it all figured out. Almost none of it was figured out. But as they stood up, and Spencer wrapped his arms around her, treating her both like she was the strongest person and made of glass, she knew it would all be fixed.

Something was different on the jet, and everyone could tell. Y/n and Spencer were both infinatly more comfortable with each other. Not caring around the suspicious eyes of Prentiss, Morgan, or JJ.

The team knew something must have happened. Something as serious as getting married, but less severe than having sex, when Spencer and Y/n walked into Hotch's office.

Y/n sat across from stoic but concerned Hotch as Spencer closed the blinds. "What happened?" Hotch asked, eyeing the newlywed agents knowingly.

Spencer sat down when Y/n opened her mouth, but not a single word could come out. She was so worried about what he would say or if she could lose her job, or if Spencer could lose his, that she stayed silent.

Ready to prove his devotion, Spencer spoke. "Y/n's pregnant." Matter-of-fact but it still changed the entire atmosphere of the room, the air tightening making it difficult to breathe.

Then came the deadly silence. "You're what?" Hotch spat out, almost not believing what he was saying. His eyes were darting between them desperately. Something assured him it wasn't a prank.

"Please don't fire us," Y/n begged, the tears welling in her eyes while she waited for Hotch's reply. If he was trying to drag it out, it was causing enough tension.

"I can't," Hotch informed them, and it caused both of them to be able to breathe easier. "And I wouldn't." He continued. "I... I'm very happy for you both if that's what you want." There was a smile on his face. An actual smile. Spencer reached over to hold her hand, reminding her it was all real, that she didn't need to pinch herself. "But there's going to be some paperwork." He concluded.

It didn't sound like much of a punishment to Spencer. "I'll do it all, anything you need."

Hotch gave him the smallest chuckle. "I appreciate that, Reid. But, just so you know, I have to report this to my superiors." Both of their faces filled with dread. If Hotch couldn't fire them, his superiors definitely could. "No different to how I reported JJ's pregnancy. The only problem about you both working at the BAU is the legal rights you're going to have to wave." Y/n could sense him acting almost fatherly, calming both of them. Spencer was nodding along with him, clearly having read the entire FBI contract fine print. "Now, Y/n, can I give you a hug? Because you look terrified."

Y/n couldn't have nodded fast enough. Although he hadn't said it, she felt like Hotch was on their side. And that everything would be okay.

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[thatoneidiotdts]

Sleeping (+morning routine) headcanons for some genshin boys

A/n: hello ladies and gentlemen I'm happy to announce that I may be back now that my life has decided to stop throwing endless shit at me. Now I also write for genshin so feel free to send asks in my inbox!!

Warnings: nightmares for xiao, favoritism in diluc's part, purposeful misspelling and slander in C*ilde's part,overall tooth rotting fluff

Zhong li

Sleeps like a rock (pun intended)

This man will not wake up unless there is an emergency

No matter how much noise you make or whatever is going on around him he'll stay there laying in bed completely silent

His breathing is so quiet you think he's dead half the time if not for his endless sleep talking

And you can actually have full on conversations with him while he's asleep

Also he sleeps in a solider position which leaves you to cling on him like a koala on a big ass tree

Sleeps in really soft bamboo pyjamas that you bought for him

Zhong li will only wake up at exactly 7:30 am no matter if it's a week day or a weekend/ his day off

He also doesn't stay in bed for more than 10 minutes unless as stated before its his day off and you aren't awake yet

The man will stay there taking in the sunshine rays from the window as he's looking at your peaceful face

After an hour or two hell rub your back and gently wake you up with forehead kisses while softly calling your name

When you finally wake up you usually start with the morning hygiene and whatnot

Also he will ask you if you want to take a morning bath together but absolutely respects you decision if you won't and you don't need to even give him a reason you declined in the first place but will make sure you know he loves you no matter what

After that he will sit down with you and drink tea and have breakfast with you for the next two hours

It's the only reason he wakes up so early

T̵̻̦̥͌͝e̸̟̗̮̮͌a̷̙͕͉̿̍͝

After that he goes to do his usual shift at the wangsheng funeral parlor

Venti

Menace to society

He either sleeps sprawled out in a starfish position with his arm and leg over your body or in a fetal position with his face buried in your breasts/chest

He usually sleeps in your clothes or in his everyday clothes

His little snores are super cute tho

Venti's snoring isn't super loud, it's actually really quiet but still there

Since he's a bard he stays at the Angel's share until it closes which is usually very late into the night so he sleeps until like 2pm

He isn't a heavy sleeper so you usually accidentally wake him up if you have some errands to run early in the morning

Venti will cling to you and pretend that he's asleep so that you can stay in bed with him

After like 20 minutes of this he finally let's you go and makes you promise him that you'll be back quickly

When you returned to your shared house from doing commissions you found him still sleeping in the bed so you quietly took a shower and snuggled in with him for another hour or two

After he finally wakes up for real this time he has breakfast lunch with you and goes off to Angel's share but not before giving you a thousand kisses

Kaeya

He's sleep schedule is ON POINT

He always gets back from Angel's share at exactly 1:00am, showers, eats and does his skin care routine and gets in bed around 1:30am

He also wakes up at exactly 9am but stays in bed until ten

He trashes through the night, he also talks in his sleep but it really weird and it's mostly things that are in English but you can't understand them at all

Kaeya is also a blanket snatcher and will snatch your blanket if you aren't holding it tightly

I feel like he also sleeps with socks on but has a few special pairs of socks that have some cute patterns that he would rather be caught working with the fatui by his own brother than wear them outside once

Also sleeps in silk pyjamas, doesn't care if the cotton ones are easier to breathe through, he likes the feeling of silk on his skin

Kaeya loves his personal space and he doesn't like to be touched while he sleeps but makes up for it when he's awake but still in bed

The only exception is when it's cold outside, I headcannon he's naturally cold and he doesn't like it at all

His morning routine is 90% of him taking care of his face and showering

His skincare routine is also more expensive than some people's houses so don't touch his products plz

Kaeya will gladly teach you the basics of skin care and will buy you your own products that thinks will suit your skin better

He's also almost late to work every day so every day you see him put on his shoes calmly, take in a deep breath and then he kisses you goodbye and runs off like a mad man in order to get to the headquarters on time

Diluc

He has so much unprocessed trauma I would be surprised is sleep schedule is anything but a mess

Diluc doesn't sleep a lot, he would have a normal sleep schedule but since he has a lot of stuff to do all the time it stops him from sleeping property

Not only does he work as a bartender at Angel's share when Charles can't he also works as the Mondstat's one and only Dark Night Hero

He usually comes home around 4 or 5 am and will only sleep until like 8 and you will have to force him to have a nap in the afternoon

Also he sleeps in his everyday clothing and he's sometimes too tired to even take his coat off

Diluc sleeps on his stomach which causes him to have back and neck problems but it's the only way he can actually fall asleep

He's a really light sleeper which also adds up to his sleeping problem

Also he snores loudly, like really loudly, and he only snores at night for some weird reason

You discovered that because one day you accidentally woke up at like 6 am and you couldn't fall back asleep because of his loud snoring but you didn't dare to move since you knew how little rest he gets

He's not a morning person at all, if he didn't hate alcohol, he would be the person that chugs half a bottle of vodka in the morning just to keep him awake

Diluc usually starts his morning off with some personal hygiene and then starts doing the endless paperwork without even having breakfast or anything to drink

So out will have to force him to eat and drink so that he doesn't pass out from work

On the rare days he doesn't have any work to do he usually sleeps them off to make up for the time he didn't sleep

Albedo

Chalk boy over here also has a terrible sleep schedule

He's not really forcing himself to stay up but rather doesn't realize how late it is

You will have to pull him out of his work in order for him to go to sleep

Albedo has a special pair of pyjamas that he wears when he's sleeping and he only wears them because for his last birthday Klee has given him a pair of pyjamas that were originally grey but she hand painted them herself with the help of Jean and Lisa and he's been sleeping in them ever since

And when i say every day I mean every day

But don't worry he hand washes them every two days and takes special care of them in order to not wash of the fabric paint

His snores are also really quiet and quite cute, I recommend commenting on that if you wanna see him blush ^-^

Albedo usually sleeps on his stomach but unlike Diluc he is small enough to not crush you under his weight so he usually sleeps with his head on your stomach or buried in your neck

Pease touch his hair he melts when you do

Albedo can sleep for a looonng time if you don't wake him up so he relies on you to wake him up or else he'll spend the next 16 hours in bed sleeping without a care in the wold

When he wake up he does his usual morning routine, which is usually a quick shower, breakfast, brushing his teeth and his hair out, and then goes off to work

He will absolutely make you have a nap with him in the afternoon or whenever he feels tired

Xiao

He doesn't sleep much, hell I don't this man sleeps at all sometimes

Adepti don't really require sleep or food like normal humans do

It took a lot of time for him to trust you enough to sleep besides him

Xiao doesn't feel safe while sleeping at all, he also fears that his karmic dept might take affect on you so he keeps his distance for quite some time

For the first month or two he would wear his normal every day clothes but then you gift him a cute plain green onesie and at first he straight up refused to put 'that thing' on but he gave in and hasn't sleep in anything else since

At first he would be the big spoon so that he can protect you from any harm but when you spooned him for the first time he felt so safe and warm he never wanted to let go of that feeling ever again

After that he would ask you under his breath if you could spoon him more often, you barely understood what he was saying but perfectly understood what he wanted and needed.

He also regularly has nightmares which causes him to trash around and maybe whack you in the face once or twice but you're quick to calm him down

Xiao never really realized that he was hurting you until he gently hugged you and you winced because he accidentally touched the small mark he left the previous night after having another nightmare

Doesn't touch you or sleep with you for a week after that, he already hurt you enough but you don't really care so you coaxed him into sleeping with you again very easily since he missed your warmth a lot

He doesn't really have a morning routine but he does wake up every morning before you so that he can teleport to the Huaguang Stone Forest to pick some Qingxin flowers for you

He's also gets back into your arms right before you wake up so that it seems like he never left in the first place

But you always notice the new fresh bouquet of the beautiful white flower on your desk and thank him for it

T*rtaglia

Listen here ok I'mma be real with y'all

Turbulence sleeps exactly one hour less than normal people but makes it seem like he gets like 2 hours of sleep per night

"Ugh I didn't sleep last night at all😩😏" Like bro stfu

He also makes jokes about sleeping so little because he was with you last night or that he was training so hard or doing a mountain of paper work

While you know damn well he was with you entire night sleeping like a baby right by your side

He sleeps naked solely so that one day when a hypothetical intruder gets into your home he can scare them off by yelling at them while being completely naked 💀

But he will put a pair of pyjamas on if you're uncomfortable

He mostly sleeps on his side because he needs to hold something while he's sleeping, if you aren't with him that night he will hug your pillow and sleep like that

Tagliatelle also doesn't like to sleep when in a cold room so he will have one of those water bottles that people use for back pain and will put one in the pillow he's holding and two in the blanket itself

He's totally a morning person and has no problem with getting out of the bed in less than like 10 minutes unless you ask him not to

If he has a day off he won't sleep in that much but he will curl up beside you and 'accidentally' place his head on your boobs/chest

Y'all saying Terrorism is the caring older brother? WRONG he's the forgotten middle child. we ofc know about Tonia, Anthon and Teucer but he also has two older brothers and at least one older sister

I feel like he's the middle child that had to take all the responsibilities when the older three/four moved out

So yeah he can make a damn fine breakfast for you without skipping a beat

But don't let me even start on his personal hygiene

Like shower are fine ok and he baths once a week only because he can but like

I know damn well his back teeth are ROTTING

He only uses mouthwash and brushes the front and bottom part of the teeth so that they look presentable meanwhile his back teeth got their souls sucked out

Moving on from that Tellurium can't really spend the whole morning with you so he will have to leave you late in the morning.

Coffee? :>

[buckleyblueyes]

Buddie + 11 or 37? :)

Alright, so this got way too long and kind of...emotional? But I really hope you like it. I went with 37!

Eddie wakes to the sound of clattering from the kitchen and cold sheets where his boyfriend should be. He rolls over and checks the time on his phone. 8 AM. Immediately, he’s frowning. It’s a Sunday morning, they should definitely be sleeping in. Maybe he still can, he thinks, letting his eyes slide shut. Then he hears Christopher’s giggles and he sighs, curiosity getting the better of him. He pushes the covers off, pulls himself out of bed, and shuffles down the hallway.

He expects to see Buck cooking breakfast--probably pancakes, if Chris had anything to say about it--but the scene he walks into is a complete surprise. Buck stands at the counter, pouring over a cookbook with a picture of some very intricately frosted cupcakes on the cover, brow furrowed in concentration. The counter itself is littered with ingredients--flour, sugar, eggs, vanilla, butter, baking powder and baking soda. Chris is standing next to him in an apron that somehow already had flour all over it. There are two cereal bowls in the sink. So. Not breakfast, then.

Chris notices his presence first. “Dad! You’re up!”

Eddie smiles, and leans down to press a kiss to the top of Chris’s head. “Morning, kid.”

Buck’s head snaps up from the cookbook, which he sets down on the counter so he can pull Eddie into a hug, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Morning, Sleeping Beauty.”

“You say that like I slept in.”

Buck chuckles. “I’ve been up since six thirty, babe.”

Eddie groans and leans his head on Buck’s shoulder. “God Why?”

“Because I have a lot to do today,” Buck says simply.

Eddie looks up at him. “A lot of baking, it seems like.”

Buck grins. “You know it.”

“Need any help?” Eddie asks, knowing what the answer is going to be before says it.

Of course, Buck scoffs and rolls his eyes. “I love you from the bottom of my heart, but I don’t trust your cooking. Stay out of my kitchen.”

“Yeah, Dad,” Chris chirps. “Leave the baking to the professionals.”

Eddie snorts a laugh, raising his hands in surrender. “Alright, alright. Just let me get some coffee.” He maneuvers around his family to grab a mug from the cupboard. Of course, Buck already has coffee prepared since he’s the only one in the house who actually knows how to work the Hildy machine. Eddie refuses to learn, no matter how good the coffee Buck makes with it is. He fills his mug and heads out of their way, deciding to seat himself at the table where he can watch them.

Buck and Christopher return their focus to the cupcake book.

Buck points to the page. “I think this recipe is a winner, what do you think?”

Christopher nods vigorously. “Yeah!”

Eddie smiles into his coffee. “So, what brought this on?”

“School bake sale,” Christopher responds breezily.

Eddie frowns. He doesn’t remember anything about a bake sale. “You didn’t--”

Christopher rolls his eyes. “I told Buck last week, Dad.”

Eddie turns his gaze on Buck. His blue eyes are wide. “I assumed he already told you. I didn’t mean--”

Eddie shakes his head. “You didn’t overstep, Buck.”

Buck’s shoulders sag in relief.

“We all know I’m a disaster in the kitchen,” Eddie shrugs, sipping his coffee. “Chris clearly went to the right par-person for the job.” He just barely stops himself from calling Buck a parent. He knows it’s what he wants, that it’s what Christopher wants, and that it’s the emotional reality for all three of them. But he has a plan to make this all official.

Buck grins. “It’s a charity fundraiser the school is doing to raise money for the ASPCA, so we’re going to frost the cupcakes to look like puppies and kittens.”

“We’re gonna make noses and ears out of candies!” Christopher adds excitedly. “It was Buck’s idea.”

Eddie melts. He looks up at Buck and can’t help beaming at him. “It’s a really good idea.”

Buck flushes slightly. “Thanks.”

“You’re gonna have the best treats there tomorrow, I guarantee it.”

Christopher giggles again. “The bake sale is on Wednesday, Dad.”

Eddie feels his brow crease again. “Then why are you baking today?”

“Practice batch,” Buck says, like it’s obvious. “I’ve never made these particular cupcakes before, nor have I ever frosted cupcakes to look like animals. I’m not sending Christopher to his school bake sale with rough draft cupcakes.”

Eddie shakes his head. He loves how much Buck cares, but multiple batches of cupcakes in a week seems like a dangerous amount of sugar. “Buck.”

“I’ll take the practice batch into the station,” Buck continues, somehow knowing exactly where Eddie was going. “I just want to make a good impression. This is the first time I’ll be baking something for him to take to school, and I know how gossipy PTA moms are.”

“And it’s fun!” Chris adds, smiling.

“And it’s fun,” Buck agrees.

All Eddie can do is stare at Buck for a moment because God he loves this man. This man, who woke up at 6:30 in the morning on his day off to start prepping ingredients for a practice batch of cupcakes for a school bake sale, is almost certainly going to be making the real batch after a 12 hour shift on Tuesday. This man who loves his son so much, exactly the way he deserves to be loved. This man who loves him.

Screw the plan.

“Marry me.” The words fall out of Eddie’s lips before he can stop himself.

Buck freezes.

“Daad!” Christopher whines. “We had a plan!”

“Eddie…” Buck’s voice is thick with emotion.

“I mean it, Buck,” Eddie presses on, unable to go back on his decision now. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to be my husband.”

And Buck is looking at him with such awe and wonder, but he shouldn’t be because this moment was inevitable. “I--”

“You don’t even have the ring, Dad!” Christopher cuts in, tone somewhere in between genuine irritation and sarcastic teasing. “You’re doing a terrible job.”

Buck’s voice cracks. “Ring?”

“Maddie helped me pick it out, it’s in my sock drawer if you want me to go get it,” Eddie explains, starting to get up.

“No.” Buck stops him.

Eddie’s heart clenches. It’s too soon, you’re so stupid, Buck isn’t ready--

Buck seems to sense Eddie’s spiral. “I mean, we can get the ring later. I want you to stay here. Of course I want to marry you.”

Eddie is out of his seat in an instant to kiss his boyf--fiance. It’s a short kiss, because Eddie still has morning breath and Christopher is right there. But it’s sweet and loving and he can feel Buck’s heart beating against his chest.

Christopher is frowning when they pull back, arms crossed. “You ruined it, Dad!”

Buck’s face morphs into one of horrible, confused, devastation, and Eddie can’t stand it.

“Chris, I know this isn’t how we planned to do it,” Eddie starts calmly.

“We don’t have the papers yet!” Chris nearly shouts. “You were supposed to wait until we had the papers!”

Buck blinks once, twice, three times. “What papers?”

Eddie looks at Christopher. “You want to tell him?”

Chris nods, and focuses his attention on Buck. “The adoption papers. Dad was supposed to wait until we got the adoption papers. We’re gonna be a family for real.”

Buck is crying now. “Oh my God.”

“We had a whole plan,” Christopher continues. “But Dad just couldn’t wait.”

“I got caught up in the moment, sue me.”

Buck laughs through his tears. “I already made that mistake. Never again.”

Eddie and Christopher are both quiet for a moment, waiting for Buck to compose himself and speak.

Finally he does. “I love you both so much. Of course I want all of that.” He opens his arms wide, and they both take the hint and fall into his embrace. Eddie smiles, his face pressed against Buck’s shoulder, one arm around Christopher.

“It’s us,” he says, to both of them. “The three of us. Forever.”

Buck says it back, softly. A promise. “Forever.”

[dianapana]

SH Day 12- ANBU Black Ops

@sasuhinamonth

たえる Part 2 (taeru=to endure)

Part 1

Rated M, Ninja Universe that underwent some changes (you’ll see that I use major events in the canon world but there is a lot of history that’s altered), OOC (major OOC for Hinata especially)

Warning: self-harm, mental health, sexual harassment, trauma

Hello, dears, I play quite a bit with chronology in this chapter, I hope it's all easy to understand. I made moth things be during summer so around the time of the girl SH month which is why in all the cases you'll see Sasuke is 1year older than Hina, since his bday is in July and hers in December. I hope you enjoy, ~Love Dia

Sasuke, age 23

I think it’s fair for me to say that I’ve been through a lot, not many things shake me anymore and all the things that have made me worried in the past years have had something in common, they were all somehow related to Hinata. I remember when I woke up after the war, I was chained to a hospital bed, placed under a jutsu that blocked my chakra, I was missing a limb and I was on the verge of insanity once more. The only thing that calmed me down was her image. Even without my chakra I searched for hers. She too was in the hospital; I found her signature light purple chakra but it was so faint and small I almost missed it. Seeing her like that made me crazy with worry, once everyone left my room, I broke all the chains and dragged myself to her room despite the pain. I hadn’t thought of her as fragile since our reunion when she was 15. I could barely stand to see her that way, and even if I wanted to stay and watch over her for longer, I could feel Naruto’s chakra getting closer, which meant I had to leave. For the following weeks I could only go and see her late at night, for there was always someone in her room, Naruto, her father, her sister, some sort of nurse or medic. I recovered under a month, yet I stayed until she woke up.

I was the only one in the room when her eyes opened, she looked confused and for a moment I was sure she had amnesia and would not remember me, us. But for the briefest moment her eyes rested upon my figure and recognition was there, relief was there, gratitude, affection and many other nuances that I can never seem to read or fully comprehend reflected in her eyes. I took her hand and kissed the back of it, allowing myself a small selfish gesture before leaving the room to inform the medics she woke up. Sakura gave me a strange, questioning look when I told her Hinata had woken up, but I didn’t care about subtlety at that second, I just wanted them to check her for any issues, I wanted her to be physically fine.

She didn’t have many memories of the war when she was first questioned, but they came back in waves and waves. I could tell that the questions overwhelmed her, much like the people that littered around, there were over 10 visitors in her tiny hospital room, from her father to Naruto, Kiba and many others. I just watched the whole situation from outside her window. I noticed her looking around, searching for someone that wasn’t there. No, it wasn’t me, she knew I wouldn’t be there when other people were, I knew exactly who she was searching for, that’s why I wanted to be close by. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, I knew things would take a turn for the worse soon enough. I saw it, the exact moment the fog raised off of her memories, the moment in which reality hit her, the moment in which the remaining light in her eyes died.

She asked for Neji, Naruto cringed, her father was the one to inform her of his passing. She asked when the funeral was going to be and silence fell onto the room. Sakura tried to slowly explain that the war ended two months ago and all the dead were already long buried. Hinata cried, she cried for her fallen cousin, she cried for missing his funeral, she cried for herself. They all gave her hugs and condolences, they reassured her that none of that was her fault. They all expected her to mourn and soon enough bounce back to the façade she always kept around the people in the village. They were unaware of the emotional depth her sadness could reach. I knew their expectations would never be met, I could tell that the headspace she was in was similar to the night I found her on the forest floor, she had the same look in her eyes as when she constantly begged me to let her die. Knowing all of that, I expected her to make certain choices, yet, despite knowing what was to come, I was unable to help, there wasn’t a single moment in which she was alone for a week to come. And when it all happened, I panicked at the notion of her death and responded wrongly to her actions.

I wasn’t watching her when she attempted to kill herself, I was with Tsunade who kept insisting that I accept their fake arm. I was in the midst of refusing once more, when I could feel a commotion in her room, I left without a word and ran there. The image that was in front of me wasn’t surprising but it was just as heart-breaking. Hinata’s bed was covered in blood, her left wrist was being treated by Sakura but you could still see the long and slim-cut along her wrist, Naruto was holding her other arm trying to put pressure on her wrist to stop the bleeding. It scared me, the amount of blood on herself and the bed, her light-headedness and indifference indicated that she had been bleeding for a long time. She waited for a moment in which I wasn’t there either, she wanted to escape me too. Had Naruto and Sakura been late they might have found her corpse instead. I left the room to calm myself down, I couldn’t cause a commotion. I tried my best to come up with kind and comforting words to tell her later when I would return to her room, but when I did, the image that greeted me, her arms strapped to the bed, made me lose my composure. I screamed at her, I can’t even recall what I said but I know it was very inappropriate, she laughed, she cried. Trying to comfort her with only one arm was difficult, that was the very first moment when I even considered accepting Tsunade’s offer, but in the end I didn’t. I spent every night that followed with her, after the initial shock I was able to recall the words I meant to give her, I knew they weren’t going to miraculously fix everything but I felt that she needed them nonetheless.

She apologized for considering that path and acting on her thoughts. I undid her chains and pulled her to my lap as she talked. “The moment my eyes moved past Naruto’s shoulders and I saw you in the door frame I regretted my choice, I wished I could undo it if only to never have to see that look on your face” I placed my face into her hair and just breathed her in. “I think I understand a little better now…what you felt when Itachi died, when you found out the truth. Our situations aren’t the same but I remember how…” she stopped, searching for the perfect word.

“Crazy? Unhinged? Mad?” I provided, but she frowned and shook her head.

“No, no, none of those…how anguished, sorrowful, wretched you were at the time. You come to me in a very agitated state, I was scared and concerned but couldn’t grasp that feeling. Now I do” If I’m honest I don’t remember how felt at the time, I don’t remember many things about that period of my life, all I know is that I wanted to give up, I thought I had made only wrong choices in my life, but I saw her and I remembered that even I could save someone.

After a few more nights she assured me that she was now mentally stable, her sadness was still very much present, but she had not had any self-harming thoughts. The decision to leave the village was very difficult at the time, but Hinata assured me that she enjoyed our routine and wished to continue it. I left but our correspondence was much more frequent than before the war, I would write her every other day and she’d reply as soon as my messages reached her. It took a bit over 3 months for her to resume her work as an ANBU, and a bit over 8 months in total to convince Kakashi to promote her to ANBU Black Ops. Her missions became more difficult and longer, she even had a mission in Amegakure that lasted half a year. When she first sent me the message informing me of the location of her mission it reminded me of our first encounter after I left the village. Our encounter that summer isn’t a memory I think of fondly, I was cruel, I was insane, I abused my knowledge of her trauma. Whenever I remember my actions, I want to go back and rewind the time, I want to apologize to 15-year-old Hinata, she was meek and fragile and I broke a part of her. She was doing her best to survive and to keep going and I was a huge obstacle in her recovery. When my feelings for her started changing I was always self-conscious whether they were genuine or not, wasn’t I using her? Wasn’t I just feeling guilty?

Hinata, age 15

I am nervous as I pack my bag for this mission, it is my first solo mission ever. 6 months after I became a Jonin and Tsunade finally trusts me enough to allow me to go alone in a mission. The destination is Amegakure and the mission is supposed to last for about to 3 weeks. The difficulty level of the mission is only B which I’d be pretty annoyed at, but the distance factor and the solo factor make up for it so, I am equally nervous and excited. When I told Neji about the mission he was concerned but didn’t show it much for my sake. Instead, he congratulated me and we had a small picnic in the outer skirt of the Hyuuga estate as celebration.

Now I am looking through my dresser for appropriate clothes for the rain to pack, I have to look for another set of kunais just in case and prepare myself a couple of bentos to have on hand. Slowly, the closer the night before my departure gets the less anxious I am, excitement seems to be the winning sentiment.

The morning of, I wake up at 4:30 a.m. and am unable to sleep longer. By the time I am fully dressed and ready to go it’s only 5:00 a.m. and the sun is barely raising, but I decide that it is light enough outside for me to leave. As always whenever I pass through the forest there’s a chill going through my veins and my enthusiasm is a bit dampened, I actively try and avoid that specific place even if it means it will add to the journey time. On the schedule, Tsunade gave me I’m meant to spend 8 days on the road to the village, approximately 4 or 5 days into the village and 8 more days back.

The mission itself isn’t supposed to be that difficult all I need to do is meet with different people in the village give them the scrolls Tsunade gave me and wait for their replies. All in all, there should be no fighting, I’m mostly a messenger but the large amount of people that need contacting made it impossible for a summon raven to deliver the scrolls. My adrenaline rush of being on my own, experiencing what freedom feels like made me speed up during the journey, I took less stops and didn’t even spend the night in one of the Inns I was supposed to. Thus, not only did I depart earlier than planned but I arrived into the village almost a day and a half ahead of the schedule. Since it’s still barely past noon I decide to start the mission a day early and I am able to cover a fifth of the task on the first day.

People usually when talking about Amegakure call it gloomy and depressing, but I enjoy walking around in the rain, the temperature isn’t too high despite it being the middle of a heatwave everywhere else, the smell and sounds of rain also add to its charm. The Inn I’m supposed to stay at for the duration of my mission is on the outside of the village, it is away from the noise of the centre, but not far out enough to say it isn’t part of the village at all. Walking into my room I sit down and finally grasp that I am days away from Konoha, I am alone. The realization makes me emotional; I hadn’t realized how much I needed to be on my own, how good it would feel to put distance between me and everything that Konoha entailed.

Sitting alone in the dark, only with the occasional lightning brightening up my room, I make a decision, I promise myself to only ever come on solo missions. I’ve endured years of discomfort so I deserved to feel this way, if only during missions. I take a shower and go to bed, I’m not as physically tired as I thought I would be after the journey and that worries me. I don’t want the nightmare to come and ruin my mood, but I close my eyes nonetheless.

It feels like barely a second passed when I open my eyes and see the cool light coming from outside. The sun is hidden behind the clouds of rain, but its light still pushes through to an extent. I had no dreams, no nightmares. I rested well and I feel better than I did in many years. I walk barefoot onto the cold wooden floor and I open the window, not caring that the rain is getting both me and the floor wet. I close my eyes and feel immensely liberated, the heavy chains that dragged me down at all times disappeared. Nobody here knows me and I don’t know them, I am but a face in the crowd, this anonymity offers me the independence I never knew before.

I complete the mission in under 3 days. I feel faster, stronger, happier here. It feels like I can do anything and everything. I have about 3 days I can waste in the village, under normal circumstances I’d return immediately to Konoha to get another mission and the cycle would repeat. But I decide to stay here for a while longer, I want to enjoy this feeling to the best of my ability. The day right after completing the mission I simply stay inside and sleep almost the whole day. I’m recharging my batteries which have been on low for 3 years now. I forgot what being well-rested felt like.

The following day I decide to wander around some more. The mission had me walk all over the village’s centre so, I decide to check out its outskirt more. I go and eat delicious food at a small booth owned by an older couple. Due to its relatively small scale Amegakure’s buildings are much much higher than those from Konoha so I climb on top of one that I deem to be among the highest and sit there, in the rain just watching the busy streets, looking over all the sky-high buildings and enjoying the feeling of being unrestrained by people’s gazes and expectations. For the smallest second, I feel someone’s gaze on me but I discard it as being the locals looking at the strange outsider that’s standing in the rain. I refuse to let my mood be dampened, not when I am just as high as this building is.

I return to the Inn and decide to take a shower, tomorrow is going to be my last day here and I feel like time is moving far too fast. I’m rinsing my hair when I get the same feeling as before, like someone is watching me. Before I can dismiss it again, I hear steps behind me, my mind goes blank. I’m suddenly turned around by a powerful hand, before closing my eyes I see a pair of black dead, unfeeling, cold, cruel, scary, scary, scary, scary eyes. I close my eyes and clench my jaw; I can feel tears trailing down my face. I’m hyperventilating, I can’t move, I’m weak, I’m small. I whimper when I feel his hand touching the scar right above my pelvis. The touch transports me back to when I’m 12 and on the ground, my legs no longer support me, the only reason why I’m still standing is because the man is holding my arm in an iron grip. The moment passes and his hand is gone allowing me to fall to my knees and then onto my butt. I have no idea how long I stay there in a trance. When I’m finally able to regain strength in my limbs to feel and make small movements I notice the shower water is freezing cold despite it being set to warm. I turn it off and walk into the room, there’s no trace of the man anymore, he didn’t do anything beyond touching my arm and my scar. Maybe he was simply created by my brain, yea no one was here, how could they be, why would they be.

I can feel myself slipping into hysteria as laughter bubbles up into my throat. I look around the room again searching for proof again and I sigh in relief when I find none. I’m finally calm enough to get dressed but I make the mistake of looking in the mirror. There’s a handprint on my arm where he gripped me. The print is red and turning a weird purple colour in places and yellow in others. He was here. He was real. I take small breaths in order to calm myself, I am fine, I am here, I can’t even picture the face of the man that was here, I try to force myself to forget the handprint, it was just a dream, another nightmare.

I pack my things and leave that very night despite being tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I don’t want to return to Konoha, and I can’t stay here, I don’t know where to go. The freedom I felt before gave me an amazing sense of accomplishment, but now it is a source of unease. I feel lost and like I do not belong anywhere. I feel insignificant. I feel lonely. I close my eyes and just sit on the floor outside of the village, waiting for something or someone to come get me. But nothing happens and the weather is turning cold despite the summer so I pick myself up and start walking wherever the road will take me.

I don’t remember the journey back home, I can’t even tell in how many days I completed it, I didn’t stop at all, I just ran. I ran from the man, the past, I ran from my weak self. I thought myself to be strong now that I am a Jonin, but I froze and was unable to do anything all the same. I need to be more than I am, I need to be stronger, braver, untouchable, more perceptive.

I hate myself for hesitating to enter the Konoha, I hate myself for hesitating to take on a new mission when Tsunade offers it. I hate myself when I have to walk through the halls of the Hyuuga compound, I hate myself when I hide from Neji. I hate myself when I walk into my room and burst into tears. I hate myself for getting my hope that high in Ame only to have them all crash and burn. I hate that I feel more broken today than I did 3 weeks ago.

Sasuke, age 16

I’ve been in a weird mood since a week ago when I saw Hyuuga in the Village Hidden in Rain. I hadn’t heard or seen anything related to Konoha since I left during the Chunnin exam. She was my first contact with it. Hinata Hyuuga, I remember her name clearly, she holds a special meaning to me, she is a life I saved. I saved her back before I was caught up in any business with Orochimaru, when I still thought following Kakashi was the right path to take, back when I was stupid and naïve. I hadn’t thought of her since that moment, but when my eyes fell onto her, I felt proud that she survived, but I also felt the need, the urge to utterly crush her beneath my feet. Her life belongs to me; I saved her so, I have every right to destroy her.

I could tell she was uncomfortable with me there, I felt her flinch as I traced the scar above her pelvis, I heard her whimper when I turned around, and I saw from the corner of my eye, as her legs have in and she fell to the floor. She looked small and pathetic and I felt strong in comparison.

However, now, days later I feel…guilt. I feel as if I used something against her that I shouldn’t have. At the time her image was blurry and not something I paid attention to, but I can clearly see it now whenever I close my eyes. He white skin had almost no imperfections besides the three scars, her eyes were shut tight, her face was red and wet, at the time I gloated at the thought that the water droplets were tears, now I’m hoping they were from the shower. Her long dark hair was wet and clinging to her body. She did her best to hide from me with her hands, with her position slightly bent. She was helpless, she didn’t even try to stop me, she didn’t scream or fight back, she froze in place and allowed me to do whatever I wanted. At the time that too made me feel powerful, I deluded myself into thinking that my presence as Sasuke Uchiha made her cower in fear. Now that I am analysing things once more, I realize it was her trauma that rendered her powerless, it was my presence that caused her fear, but she wasn’t scared of me, Sasuke, but rather of me, a male; she didn’t see me as an individual but as the image of the man that hurt her in the past.

Realizing that in her mind I was equal to that disgusting piece of trash makes me livid. I clench my jaw, pick up the first thing I see, a jar of whatever substance from one of Orochimaru’s labs and I throw it to the wall. The green liquid escapes its container and slowly eats away at the wall and ground, the sizzling noise and putrid smell don’t even bother me. I’m angry at her, I want to find her and scream in her face that I’m not that man. I wanna shake her until she understands. I am mad at her, at myself. Kabuto comes in and curses, he drags me out and talks under his breath, his presence adds to my anger.

“What do you want?” I ask him, I’m looking down at him. I grew taller these past few weeks, taller than him. I want him to pick a fight, I want a reason to smash his face in. The image of his bloody face as he lays unconscious on the ground would bring me the satisfaction I need. He looks mockingly at me, that’s enough to start a fight.

Less than 20 minutes later the fight is over, he’s not unconscious, he’s still standing, more precisely, walking away. But he is bleeding and so am I. The fight didn’t help. I still feel angry, but my anger is slowly being overshadowed by guilt.

The sudden urge to find her and apologize overcomes me, but I dismiss it. She’s long gone…I checked. The two of us won’t meet anytime soon and even if we do, I’ll never apologize, not to her, not to someone that…weak…

Hinata age 22

After sleeping in until 11 after all, I wake up to Sasuke’s face next to mine, I feel at ease, I feel happy. I cup his face and place a kiss over his closed eyelids. I feel his change in breath when he wakes up but his eyes remain closed. His arm comes around my waist and pulls me closer to him, slowly he opens his eyes and offers me a lazy smirk. For a while I forget that we’re in Konoha, I forget everything about people trying to control me. All my worries just disappear with his presence.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks and brushes my bangs out of my eyes. ‘You’ I want to say, but I decide to be selfish instead. I sit up and he does too, I move towards him and place myself on his lap, we are chest to chest, face-to-face. “I am unsure how long they’ll make me stay here. This... sensei job…they could stretch it for months, who knows.” I hate that that’s true, I hate that they’re trying to cage me into the village. “it’s difficult being here for an indefinite period of time, especially since I don’t have out missions to look forward to. So…” I stop talking, rethinking what I’m about to ask, wondering if it’s worth it, but he looks at me with no judgement, he’s waiting patiently. “So…I was thinking. Maybe being here in Konoha would be better…if you were here as well” Part of me initially regrets the words and wants to take them back.

“You want me to stay here until you can go back to your normal missions” he didn’t formulate it as a question so I didn’t reply, mostly because I didn’t trust myself not to say no, to act like it was a joke, so I stay silent. “Ok, I will” his hand is on my wrist and it’s slowly moving up under my tank top. “You should already know that anything you ask of me, I’ll do Hinata” I do know that, but this was something that I had been afraid to ask for a while. Would staying in Konoha be better with him here? It must be.

We talk some more about his stay in Konoha and then proceed to eat a late breakfast. “I passed by the cottage outside of Amegakure on my way to Konoha” that cottage will forever represent my safe space, all my memories in it are out-of-this-world happy. The cottage itself is pretty much outside every territory of every village, it belongs to nobody, yet that’s the place I feel I belong in. I stayed there for my thirst or fourth mission as an ANBU, as usual Sasuke met up with me and we live together there for months. Sasuke and I worked together for most of my missions, we completed them faster than it was estimated they would take and we spent the remaining of the time just being together outside of all the rules of everyone. That was the place in which after much deliberation and inner-fights I decided to put my trust in him. By then we had already expressed our feelings verbally and with actions such as kisses and hugs, but I wanted to move past that because I craved that closeness with someone, I wanted a stronger bond between us, but also out of spite, I wanted to prove that I was able to enjoy sex. I wanted to prove that what had happened no longer affected me. Out first time was a bit awkward, we were both virgins, Sasuke was overly conscious of making me feel comfortable and I just wanted it to be done with so our desired speed didn’t match, but it happened and it was fine. The second and third time around it was much better and now we reached a point in which intimacy with him doesn’t scare me in the least, I love it and it makes me feel amazing. I am aware that I’m not fully over the incident, the close proximity of strange men that I don’t know still bothers me at times, however, I am much stronger and able to protect myself, I am just...wary.

I end my train of thoughts by going back to the memory of our first time and it makes me giggle a little. Sasuke asks me with his eyes what I’m laughing about and my reply is only a smirk, I see the wheels spinning in his brain and the connections being made. I love that after so many years we’re able to just understand each other in this manner. He gets up from his chair and walks around the table to place his hand on the nape of my neck. “I can show you how much I’ve improved since than” he whispers and bends down to kiss me. I smile against his lips and loop my arms around his neck allowing him to pick me up.

I must have fallen asleep again because I am woken up this time by Naruto loudly knocking on my door. He left me alone yesterday because Sasuke was around but I guess even his long-lost best friend can’t keep his attention off of me for more than 24 hours. I look next to me and my heart hurts because Sasuke isn’t there. I tell myself it’s because he felt Naruto so he left, but I still don’t like that.

Naruto keep knocking on the door and I’m sure he’s about to tear it down if I don’t open it soon so I walk to it in my pjs with my hair a mess. When I open the door, he stops in his tracks. “Oh…” his eyes linger onto the scar on my shoulder, he has an obsession with it I’ve noticed. Does he believe that’s my biggest scar…if only he knew. “I didn’t know you were sleeping, I’m sorry”

“After yesterday’s mission the kids have the day off so I wanted to rest” I don’t assure him that it is ok even though I know that’s the polite thing to do. I am bitter and annoyed that Sasuke isn’t there. For a split moment when I woke up, I thought I had imagined his presence.

“I just wanted to bring these to you.” He says and presents me with a pile of papers. “I know you were given them before when Kakashi assigned you as their sensei” hah, like it was Kakashi’s idea. Hokage-sama wouldn’t have pushed me into being a sensei from a Black Ops and we all know that. I know Naruto pulled all of the strings to get me here, however, Kakashi-san is also to blame for allowing all of this to happen “but I think you should really read them well, you said you have a free day today. I can stay here with you and read them together”

I look at him and his easy-going smile. On normal days I’d try and be nice, but all I want to do today is spend my time in peace. “I heard Uchiha-san is back. Are you sure you want to spend the day with me reading about some kids rather than catch up with him?” I feel sorry for guiding Naruto towards Sasuke, but I know Sasuke and if he’s one thing, he’s good at not being found.

Upon hearing Sasuke’s name Naruto’s smile brightened to the extent that it actually hurt my eyes. “I already saw and talked to him today” He left before Naruto came here, was it before we ate? After? When did they meet? “We talked and agreed to go on a mission together this week” He’s leaving after I asked him to stay “We went to Kakashi and already got all the info, so I’ll spend a lot of time together with him and find out all about what he’s been up to in these years and I ---” Naruto keeps talking but I feel suffocated.

[kyber-crystal]

➳ catch me || s.r

summary: in which you struggle to tell the difference between liking him as a friend or something more. until one fateful moment forces you to decide where you ultimately stand.

words: ~3.9k

warnings: mentions of death, blood, overused friends to lovers, slight enemies to lovers LOL

a/n: i suffered through this WIP for like, 3 mf MONTHS before i was finally able to finish it off. i feel so relieved. but i will warn you, it’s terrible

"Rogers."

"Y/N."

You exchanged curt nods with him as you went to grab yourself some water after attending a meeting with Fury. Ever since Sharon started showing up more often, you began to distance yourself from him because you know that lingering by will only make you feel worse.He doesn't know why you're acting so cold all of a sudden, but decides not to question it as it won't help the situation in any way whatsoever.

He was quick to break the awkward silence that had fallen. "Where are you being sent off?"

"We," you replied coldly. "Northern Europe. Got word of an arms trade happening tomorrow morning."

"Okay."

Footsteps were suddenly heard from down the hall and without warning, he tugged you forward by the wrist and pressed his lips to yours.

You didn't protest because you're still too shocked to fully register what's going on and 2) you actually liked the way he made you feel. 

Though you really weren't supposed to be.

"What was that for?" you breathed out as you both pulled away, breathless.

"Sharon," he replied simply, looking around for a moment. "She's been bothering me for the past few weeks and I had to do something."

"You just noticed?" you said, sarcasm lacing your tone as you looked out of the corner of your eye to see the blonde woman walking away. "She's been all over you since her recruitment."

His brows furrow together in confusion as he notices the darkened look in your eyes, but doesn't say anything. You toss him the black manila folder containing information on your mission for him to read, sitting down at the kitchen counter together.

"Infamous dealer carrying nuclear weapons overseas. Headquartered somewhere in the Arctic Circle, I think," you explained as he pulled out the wanted man's file. "Can be taken either dead or alive. We have to stop them from going through with the attack."

"When are we leaving?"

"Wheels up at 8:30 p.m. Should take about 6 hours...we're being flown in via helicarrier."

Great.

You just realized you'd be stuck in a plane alone together for 6 hours straight, when the very thing you were trying to do was avoid him.

You're mostly silent as you board the jet, securing your bags and weapons before taking your seat. Fatigue is tugging at your body and your eyelids grow heavy, although it isn't even that late. Without thinking about what you were doing, you rest your head against Steve's shoulder and close your eyes. He wraps an arm around your waist in response.

Before you knew it, the aircraft was hovering over the drop zone. The two of you got up and went towards the back, fastening parachutes to your backs as the gates dropped open.

"Stay safe out there," you blurted out as you glanced down at the base below you, then over at Steve. "Circle the perimeter and meet me inside. Don't die or I'll kill you."

"Yes ma'am."

Inhaling sharply, you gripped the straps of your jacket and squeezed your eyes shut, the dry wind whipping your hair in your face as you descended downwards.

With his icy blue eyes still imprinted in the back of your mind.

...

It was quite ironic seeing that you, an Avenger and a former SHIELD pilot that flew everywhere all the time, had a crippling fear of heights. The mere idea of being jumping out of planes and having to go on missions involving multi-story buildings shook you to your core, and it always took you at least a week to recover once you got back.

"Steve!" Your voice heightened to a shriek as you felt the plane's velocity increase suddenly. The crates next to you toppled over and you went crashing to the floor alongside them, barely managing to grip the armrest of something and pressing your back against the wall, feeling your head spin. The sticky warmth and stinging, white-hot pain in your side tells you that you were shot. You didn't need to look at the wound to know it wasn't pretty. "Where the hell are you?"

"Fifty yards away from the northeast entrance," he replied breathlessly. "I got nothing. You?"

"The weapons," you panted, "are on the plane!"

"Okay. Where are you?"

"On the damn plane! They're gonna detonate at any moment, I have to get this thing away from the city—I'm not gonna make it so I just wanted to tell you that—"

"Fuck, don't say that," he hissed. You know things were bad when Steve Rogers, the man that coined the 'Language' line, swore. "Just—hang tight, I'm coming for you."

"No. Just forget it," you shouted over the noise, grunting in pain as your head hit the side of a storage box, muttering a string of curses under your breath. "I can't afford for you to risk your own life for me. It's okay. Just leave me behind."

"No, I'm not leaving you!" he yelled back. "I'm not going back home without you."

"Steve," your voice was thick with tears, throat feeling tight as you swallowed back the sob that was threatening to erupt from your lips. You wipe a tear that slips down your cheek and cleared your throat. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," he says hoarsely, "I lost you once, and I'm not losing you again."

"There's no point, Steve. I'm going to die. This thing's on autopilot going God knows where at top speed and if there's any chance of stopping this thing, I gotta crash it. If you come and get me you're gonna die, too. You know Fury's not gonna like having to send out an extraction team to drag both our corpses back to headquarters."

"Y/N, don't-" His voice breaks and you swear your heart shatters into a million pieces. "Please, don't- don't say that. I'm gonna come and get you. You're gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay."

That was the last straw for you; and you lost it at those last words. Tears sting a steaming hot trail down your cheeks as you hastily try to wipe them away with your bruised and bloodied knuckles. "No, we're not. I don't think you understand. I'm over 30,000 feet in the air with no protection whatsoever. They're gonna shoot you down before you even have the chance to get to me."

You always told yourself you'd be willing to put your life on the line to save someone else's; to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. But now that death was looming threateningly close to you and staring you down, for the first time in a long time, you didn't know if you even wanted to leave and you were scared. Scared of what was to come if you really were to meet your end. Scared of what was to come at the end of the tunnel, what would happen when you were swallowed whole by death's bottomless, dark pit. You didn't expect your fate to approach so quickly, and it scared you more than you wanted to admit.

Being a superhero meant that making sacrifices were a must-do. You always knew you would need to give things up in order to successfully do your job. That one day, your time to die would come but you didn't know it would happen like this; so unexpectedly.

Now you realize people were right as they told you in your final moments, you'd see your entire life flash before your eyes. You blink and you're transported back to when you first joined the Initiative, skeptical of the six unfamiliar faces before you. But it only takes a matter of three minutes before Thor cracks a joke that has you all howling in laughter, and another one for Natasha to approach you and start a conversation. To you, her, and Steve on the run as fugitives of SHIELD as you conducted the search for The Winter Soldier. The heartbreaking decision of having to choose between your mentor and best friend in Berlin--which you realized, happened barely over a year ago. So many memories had been created in such a short amount of time and you didn't ever want to let any of them go. You couldn't bring yourself to.

You stumbled over, sliding into the pilot's seat and buckling up. Your grip around the controls were so tight that the barely healing cuts around your knuckles reopened and began bleeding again.

You let out a shuddering sigh, tapping several buttons overhead before reaching down to turn on your comm again. "Steve? Are you there?"

"Darling..." The pure agony in his voice only makes you feel worse. You've never heard the great Captain America in such a soft-spoken tone before, so you could only assume it took him a lot to get him into this state. "Yeah. I'm here."

"So..." you readjusted your grip and let your shoulders fall back, "...you remember that one time we took the subway to see Hamilton last weekend?'

"Last weekend? It was only last weekend?" Steve tried his best to keep it together, but his wavering tone gave it all away. "Feels like forever since we got a break."

"I know," you let out a broken laugh, "and then you wouldn't stop talking about it the entire way back? It got so bad to the point Tony had to forcefully shut off all the speaker systems around the compound because he woke up at 3 am to see you sitting in the kitchen, playing the soundtrack at full volume."

"But when he saw you dancing around in the kitchen while making lunch the next day, he couldn't keep doing that for any longer. You have an amazing voice."

"I don't know..." you sniffed, forcing a smile, "you're the one who's pretty good at singing and playing the piano. I think you got all the musical talent-"

"Y/N," he interrupted, "stop. Don't do this to me."

"Do what?"

"You're talking as if you're gonna die."

The gravity of the whole situation comes crashing down on you again. "...Because I am."

"No, you're not. I'm not letting that happen."

"I don't think you have a say in things this time, Rogers," your voice cracked. You shook your head. "I'm done for. God, I really hoped this wasn't how I'd meet my end. I hate heights. I hate the ice, I'm scared shitless of dying, I can't- I can't do this. But I have to. If I don't, millions of people will die and I can't have that on my conscience."

You sucked in a breath as you looked out of the corner of your eye to see you're falling, and falling fast. In a matter of minutes you'll be plunging through the surface of the ice and into the depths of the icy-cold water. There's no turning back now.

"Geez," you spoke up again, "this is like some repeat of '45. Is this how it felt? Knowing you were gonna die, but doing it anyway because you knew you had to do it?"

"That's not the same. It was a matter of chance that I made it at all. Chances are slim to none that you'll end up frozen in a block of ice for 66 years."

"See, it's hopeless," you sighed. "Go back. You need to go...or you're gonna end up filled with bullets."

"I'm not going back," he repeated. "Not without you."

"If you're gonna think of a plan, you better think fast-"

"Jump."

"What did you just say? Are you out of your damn mind?"

"I said, jump. There's no other choice. Look for an emergency exit...there should be one above you. Do you see it?" His voice was calm, gentle, as if he was speaking to a child, and it soothed you a bit. You muttered a quick 'yes'. "Alright. Pry that open, get out of there. I'm coming with the Quinjet right now, so hang tight."

As if he could sense your fear, he softened his tone a bit more, "Hey. It's okay. I'm coming for you. You'll be alright."

"It's like we're Romeo and Juliet," you managed to choke out in between a laugh and sob,  "except only one of us dies."

"Y/N, you're not dying." He couldn't mask the obvious pain in his voice. "Honey, I promise you're not gonna die. You're gonna be alright."

"Steve-" You let out an earsplitting shriek and scrambled to get a stronger grip as blaring alarms sounded throughout the aircraft. The impact of the hits nearly made you topple off and you clung to the side of the jet for dear life, praying to God you weren't going to fall off and crack your head open on an iceberg. "I got hit. They're tailing after me, you can't, I'm actually gonna fall-"

"Okay, okay, I'm here. Do you see me?" You turned your head to the side ever so slightly to see the Quinjet hovering below, but your heart dropped when all you could see were snow flurries blowing around - and zero sign of the super-soldier.

"No-"

"Just jump. I see you. I'm literally right below you, so jump, okay?"

"Are you crazy?"

"Do you trust me?" he yelled out, his voice carrying over on the frigid winds. "Y/N. Do you trust me?"

"But-"

"I've never let you down before and I sure as hell won't now. Trust me, Y/N, come on."

You pressed your lips together. You knew he was right. Either you made the jump now, or get filled with a dozen bullets and dying a brutal and gory death.

You finally bring yourself to look down again and there he is, a little closer this time. His gaze finds yours and suddenly, you're drowning. You might've been hundreds of feet apart but no distance would be able to extinguish his piercing gaze. His eyes were the ocean and you were lost at sea, lost in those endless pools of blue and losing yourself in him—the one guy who stuck by your side for so long and thought as nothing more than a best friend, a teammate until now. The one guy who took your breath away with his million-dollar smile every time you made eye contact.

In the one guy who you thought was just a friend, until you realized you were hopelessly in love with him - the Steve Rogers.

And now you weren't sure if you'd come out of this alive to finally tell him so.

You squeezed your eyes shut and let go. The wind whipping at your hair and face feels like a thousand tiny needles being jabbed into your skin and you swear if you kept your mouth open you would've puked - if you'd opened your eyes you knew you'd die from fear first before anything else.

But all those thoughts are suddenly put to a halt when you're stopped by a pair of strong, warm arms you'd sought solace in countless times before.

"Y/N, thank God you're alright, oh my god," Steve let out a shuddering sigh as he held you close, cradling your head against his chest. "I thought I lost you. Oh my god. Are you okay?"

"I just fell out of an airplane without a parachute and I have no idea how I survived."

His look of concern immediately turns into horror when he pulls his hand off your waist to see it come back covered in your crimson blood. His face falls. Then it hits you all at once, and you're overcome with a nauseating wave of dizziness - the aftereffects were beginning to get to your head.

The super-soldier hurriedly jammed a finger to his ear. "I got her. We're on our way back. Prepare the medbay; she's gonna have to be operated on as soon as we land."

"Yes, sir," a STRIKE agent replied from the receiving end. "We'll get right to it. Please have a safe flight home."

"Thank you."

Steve put the jet on autopilot so he could sit with you in the back, frantically applying pressure to your wound and doing his best to patch you up. But with each round the bandages made around your waist, the blood flow increased, seeping through the fabric. You didn't have to tell him directly for him to know you didn't have much time left and if he were to save you, you would need to get back home, fast.

...

As soon as Steve stepped down the ramp with your limp, unconscious body in his arms, he was bombarded by a flurry of medbay agents, who had you in a gurney and were wheeling you away within minutes. He tried to follow after them but Tony quickly grabbed his wrist and yanked him back.

"Let me go," he growled. "I swear to Odin, Stark, if you don't-"

"You can't follow her in there."

"I can if I want to."

Tony let out a sigh of defeat. "Rogers. She's going to be fine."

"How do you know? How can you possibly guarantee her survival?"

"I just know. Sheesh, you're a hopeless romantic."

...

You glanced over at the monitor tracking your vitals beside your bed, the constant beeping of the machines seemingly echoing in your brain on a loop. You were too exhausted to do anything at the moment, but you couldn't seem to fall back asleep, even with the drugs coursing through your system.

You try to shift around and find a more comfortable position, and felt a twinge of pain on your right side. Note to self; don't place all your body weight on the side where a bullet tore through your stomach. Bad idea.

Laying flat on your back again, you closed your eyes, willing yourself to fall back asleep. But sleep never comes, and a few minutes later a knock on your door pulls you out of your momentary trance.

"Hey there, soldier," you managed a sleepy grin as Steve stepped into the room, pulling up a chair to your bedside. "Nice weather outside, isn't it? Feels like just yesterday I was gunned down and forced to drive myself to near-suicide...wait, that was yesterday, right? I've lost all sense of time-telling-"

You paused and looked back over to see a rare sight - he was on the verge of breaking down. His bright blue eyes were dulled and glossed over with fresh tears that threatened to spill, and although it had barely been over a day since your admittance to the hospital, it looked like he hadn't slept in over a week. And it was all your fault.

"Are you okay...?"

He shook his head, clenching his fists in his lap so tightly that they began turning white. "You’re seriously asking me if I’m okay? I almost lost you. You almost died."

"I'm sorry-"

"If I hadn't gotten to you in time, then...I don't know what I'd do if-"

"Steve, it's not your fault."

"I let you down, Y/N." His voice was cracked and raw, as if he'd been crying for hours on end beforehand. Your heart shattered at the sound. "I let you down and I'm so sorry I couldn't get to you sooner. I'm sorry I left you alone on that ship because I didn't look out for you well enough. This is all on me. My job was to protect you, to look out for you. And I failed to do that."

"You didn't fail, Steve," you said softly. "You did your best. You saved me. I'm alive right now because of what you did."

The super-soldier inhaled sharply and moved his chair closer so he could reach his hand out to place it on your forehead, letting it stay there for a moment before sliding it down to cup your cheek. You didn't make any efforts to remove it and if you were being honest with yourself, you liked how his warm skin felt against your own. He smelled like honey and freshly ground coffee and everything good in the world. He made you feel like you were at home.

Your eyes fluttered shut and you let yourself bask in his warmth, melting into his soft touch. If it weren't for your currently uncomfortable predicament, you would've fallen asleep on the spot all over again.

"Something's on your mind, isn't there," you mumbled, eyes still closed. Even without your powers, it didn't take much for you to figure out that something was wrong. "Tell me what's going on."

You opened your eyes again to see that there were tears streaming down his face. He hastily tried to wipe them away with one hand as the other was gently placed on top of yours, but his efforts were fruitless, of no avail whatsoever.

"Steve-"

"I was so worried," he croaked out. "I don't want to think about how things would be if you died. I can't live without you."

"I'm here now, okay? I'm going to be fine. I'll heal," you said softly. "You saved me, you caught me, so now I'm okay. We're okay." You moved over slightly to give him room to sit. Steve's arms encircled your waist as yours slid down and over his shoulders, and he pressed his trembling lips to your temple.

It was quiet. Whispered oh-so-quietly, as if he was hesitant to open his mouth. But you heard it regardless.

"I love you."

You smiled sadly. "I know. I love you too."

"Just...please don't try and pull off something off like that again."

"I won't. I promise."

You heard each shaky inhale and exhale as he tried to regain his composure - strong arms tightening around your figure with his face buried into the crook of your neck. Letting out a trembling sigh, you held onto him even tighter as if by some miraculous way, doing so could keep him from falling apart. As if somehow, your arms being around him could squeeze all the million little shattered pieces of his heart back together again.

You knew deep down, exactly why he had been so afraid to watch you meet your potential end. It was the jet plunging into the depths of the icy blue, monstrous sea. He didn't want you to experience even a fraction of what he had and prayed you’d never have to. He swore a silent oath to himself to shield you away from as much of the horrifying world as he possibly could, but you were nearly dragged under by the clutches of Death herself that day, and he couldn't help but feel like he failed you.

You took in a deep breath, inhaling his fresh scent of coffee grounds and warm honey as he buried his face into the crook of your neck. For the briefest moment in time you could pretend everything was in fact, going to be okay, because it was just you and him wrapped up in each others' arms without a care in the world. It was just you and him, basking in each others' warmth, silent whispers of reassurance into his ear and repeated soft, fleeting kisses to his temple that reminded him you were still alive and breathing, and you were just fine.

For the first time in a long time, Steve Rogers felt whole again. The hole in his heart was gone, the void finally filled. And all it took was your presence, and your presence alone.

...

(if your username is striked out, that means i couldn’t add you)

general tags and mutuals who may be intersted (if your username is here, pls go check the taglist link in my bio to specify which specific taglist you’d like to be added to!): @sylvie-writes @zaddychris @optimistic-dinosaur-nacho @sis-it-dont-add-up @tonystankschild @buckybarnesthehotshot @musicalkeys @carryonmywaywardbucky @thinkingofbuckybarnes @rynhaswritersblock @wheresmyjae @captainchrisstan @sandystoriess @patzammit @cicicantblog​

permanent tags: @sandwitch-god @renaissancecherub @poesflygirl

steve/chris tags: @speechlessxx @angrybirdcr @marvelfanatic16 @stainedsouvenir @smokeandnailz

[peachyproserpina]

Wickedly Domestic - Roommates and Puppies

Now that I am back on tumblr I figured I might as well upload my John Wick x Fat!OC fic here as well. Maybe I'll find the motivation to write it as well.

TW: Alternate Universe Canon Diverence, Mutual Pining, Slowburn, Sex

If I miss anything please let me know!

There is a consistent thunk, thunk, thunk of her roommates bed hitting the wall. Despite a whole floor separating them she could still hear the sounds of her roommate getting fucked into next week, literally. Usually Maria wouldn’t care that her roommates late at night shenanigans would run into the next morning but, there was more at stake on the agenda today than usual. Maria pressed her pillow over her ears and looked at her phone; it was almost 4 am Monday morning.

There was a meeting in downtown New York that she had to attend, which the commute was a little more intense then she usually had to deal with. Living and working in a suburb outside of New York City allowed for a stress and traffic free drive to work, usually 15 minutes or less, but driving into the city always was a hassle, that drive tends to be close to an hour. Maria rubbed at her eyes and unlocked her phone, she still had 3 hours before she had to be downtown. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, this meeting was with the CEO. Those kinds of meetings either ended up in promotion or termination, she buried her face into her pillow. She could still hear the thunk and a few giggles from her roommate and company. Considering she was already up and too anxious to go back to bed she might as well get her workout in now instead of later.

Heaving herself up and out of bed with a groan she let out a yawn before looking around for her workout clothes. Pulling on her leggings and finding a clean shirt she fished around her room for her headphones. Despite living in New York state for a little over 3 months now she still hasn’t completely unpacked. Moving boxes were still stacked around the room and there was a stack of art needing to be hung up.

She wasn’t planning on moving when she did, the roommate who was busy getting fucked, offered her a place to stay. All she had to do was pay utilities and cook for the house once a week. The home had been a surprise to her roommate Cooper. An estranged great Aunt had willed it over to her, Cooper was already living in New York, and the full ride she received was barely enough to cover the dorm she had to split with 2 other people. When she was contacted by lawyers telling her she is now a proud homeowner and didn’t have to worry about student loans for the rest of her life.

One of the first things she did was reach out to Maria. Cooper was well aware of the tension at home, brewing in Maria’s family since they met in high-school. Unfortunately she had first hand seen more tear stained faces and frustration that Maria was put through. They spoke often and were close, promising to push each other to do amazing things. Sometimes amazing things means moving across the country but their love and friendship didn’t diminish over the distance. So offering the room

All Maria had to do was fund the move and drive 30 hours across the country. Dying to get out of the town she has spent her whole life, as well as always loving the east coast, she packed up, put in her two weeks at her current job and submitted an application to anywhere within a 10 mile radius of her new address. She thanked the stars when a local bank picked up her application and allowed for Skype and phone interviews, giving her the job before she even moved out there. She was introduced to her coworkers through a group chat and she fell into her role easily before she even met them in person.

The hardest part had been leaving old friends, leaving her family on the other hand had been a blessing. Her father and his side of the family had always been hard to please and any relationship with them over the last couple of years had been more of a formality than anything else. Her mother was a different story, tears were shed and a few fights were had due to this hasty decision on moving across the country. Maria’s mother had always wanted more for her daughter than what she currently had but packing up and leaving across the country in less than a month gave her mother bad feelings. Her mother backed off and gave Maria her blessing once she got her job, knowing how stubborn her daughter is once she puts her mind to something.

Her siblings had felt the same way, constant calls and texts were exchanged during the long drive while everyone was proud and knew she would be better for the move. It still hurt, promising to visit during holidays and letting them stay over if they ever visited. But it was like ripping off a bandaid. It had to be done or else it festers and could lead to infection, staying stagnant had been driving her crazy.

Once changed and headphones found under some papers she had been reviewing at her desk, she slid them over her ears and made her way upstairs, closing the door and making sure it was locked behind her. Her cat had the habit of running outside and getting lost or turning up at the local shelter and the last thing she needed was to also be worrying about her cat while she was working in the city.

She jogged down to the gate and opened it before she got into her car and made her way to the nature preserve just a few minutes away from her home. She could have ran there but she wasn’t quite ready to commit to the workout while the air was so chilly. By the time she has parked and started her stretches the world had started to wake up around her, birds chirping and the distant sounds of honking while she tried to figure out what playlist she wanted to run to. Deciding on something beat heavy she started down the trail that would lead over the swamp, it had been a while since she had run outside, usually opting to do her cardio in a class setting or on a treadmill while she binges whatever series she is watching on Netflix at the moment.

She was only half a mile in the trail before she had to stop for a moment. Her “ultra support” sports bra did not help as much as she hoped, having big tits was a blessing and a curse. They made working out hell on earth but it got her more free drinks at the bar then she would like to admit. But it also kept her from being able to run as much as she would like to before she has to stop and readjust.

She pulled out her phone and checked the time, quarter past 5 am, she still had time. She could do a mile before she went home and showered and get ready for a grueling day. She paused her music, taking deep breaths before she started up again, she thought she heard rustling behind her. Which despite being close to the city the swamp held more wildlife than she thought it would. She sat and listened, chancing a glance behind her. The sun was nearly up but running by herself in public always put her on edge. There was always the chance of someone grabbing her and doing whatever they would like to her, she shuddered and unlocked her phone, sending her location and a text as to when she would be back to the roommate group chat. Just in case she were to get snatched up at least her roommates would know where she was last.

She started up again, turning her music up all the way to drown out her heavy breathing and the sound of her feet hitting the trail. It wasn’t until she was almost across one of the many bridges in the nature preserve stretching her calf muscles when she felt something warm and slimy against the skin of her leg. She screamed and pulled her head phones off, looking down to see if she had unknowingly picked up a slug or if some creep had managed to sneak up on her. Letting out a sigh when she saw it was a small Beagle, whining and licking at her leg. She crouched down pet the dog who was whining at her feet.

“Hey baby, where are your parents?” She picked up the dog and looked it over, she saw a name tag, “Daisy- that’s a cute name. Matches my tattoo,” she flipped over the name tag and saw an address, thankful she wouldn't have to drop the dog off at home and try to find her owners later. Daisy fell asleep in her arms while she walked the pup back to her car, the thought on finishing her run gone from her mind. Once the dog was rested safely in her front seat and plugged the address into her phone. It was a quick drive back to the owners house thankfully, it was getting dangerously close to 6 am but she couldn’t not take the sleepy baby home.

She knew if her cat went missing longer than usual or her roommates dog she would be worried sick. No parent should be worried about their baby, that was the biggest motivator for her as she snaked through the neighborhood following her GPS until she pulled up to one of the biggest houses she had ever seen. She knew she lived in affluent part of the state but pulling up the gravel driveway of what was basically a mansion she started to sweat. The bouncing of her car woke the puppy up, who was happily wagging her tail, grateful to be home after wandering away in the early morning. Maria smiled, happy that the pup was glad to be home.

“Lets go baby, let's get you back home.” Daisy ran up the door and pawed at it. Maria knocked and waited a moment, when she didn’t hear any movement in the house she rang the doorbell. Daisy was sitting by her feet waiting patiently for the door to open, it felt like hours while she stood in the massive door hoping someone was home to take the pup in. In reality It had probably been only 5 or so minutes, she chanced a glance around the driveway and didn’t see a car. Figuring that whoever would have been home was gone she turned and started walking back to her car, calling for Daisy, she could take her home and try again after work. Knowing her roommates would be sympathetic to the lost puppy and take care of her until she could try again. It was then she heard the large door open. She turned and nearly lost her balance when she caught a glance at the man who opened the door.

[fvrxdrm]

City of the Living Dead

Chapter 6

"September 28, 2:30 am... It's down to just me and 3 others. No weapons...no ammo...and too many skirmishes have drained us mentally and physically. We're not gonna make it... Officer Phillips once suggested we escape through the sewers. Apparently, there's a secret tunnel under this place left over from its museum days. I brushed her idea off before, but now, it's not sounding all that bad. Yeah, there's no proof there's even a tunnel or that the sewers aren't infested with zombies, but I don't wanna sit here and wait to die, either. It's a long shot, but I'm gonna try to find out what I can about that tunnel... Elliot Edward," you read, "Shit. Rest in peace, buddy." You placed the transcript back to where you found it and proceeded in scanning the room you and Leon were in.

It was an office of some sort with mahogany desks occupying the center, swivel chairs pointing towards every direction, some paperworks piled in a stack and some (or rather most) cluttered all over the tables and floor. It looked like a hurricane together with an earthquake and a tsunami clashed and crashed in the area.

"Leon, w-" your head twisted and turned as you looked for best friend and even called out to him when you found him just staring at something on the ceiling, his trembling lips pinned in between pearly-white teeth, eyebrows furrowed upwards, and eyes looking like a dam was about to breakdown because of too much pressure. You went towards where he was standing and followed his gaze. You gasped. He was looking at stringed triangle banners with letters printed out on each of them

WEL COME LEON

Your face began to mirror Leon's but a pained smile differentiated yours from his as a sudden rush of memory enlightened your brain. "Hey, look, the design's the same as the banner I surprised you with when we were 15," you said, raising an arm to point at the triangular flags.

Leon chuckled softly at what you said and nodded while a sneaky tear flowed down his cheek in a tiny stream. "Yeah."

"Come on, Leon! I worked hard for this." You hauled on your friend's wrist and led him towards his room with a strain as Leon's languor held him back.

"This better be good, Y/N. You fucking woke me up and I'm really close to fucking strangling you." His voice was a little hoarse from having just woken up right before you pulled him off of the couch and he was still lowkey tired because of the three-hour rest he had last night, but as much as he wanted to throw you out of his house and fall into a well-deserved slumber again, he was into surprises and was curious as to what you had in store. So, he went along with it even though he was pretty much a sloth still.

"I promise you'll love it." You chortled.

Leon sighed in defeat before loosening up and letting you pull him towards where you wanted to take him for this so-called surprise with a rub of his crusty eyes.

When a familiar door came into view in front of you, you covered Leon's eyes with one of your hands and twisted the door knob, revealing a bedroom with a banner hovering over Leon's messy bed, before lightly pushing him inside.

"All right, here we are," you spoke as you removed your hand from your face, moving right beside him to watch Leon's face as it shifted from being enraptured to crestfallen real quick. You guffawed in a boisterous way at his reaction and plummeted down to the ground whilst clutching your stomach in a joyful pain.

YOU SUCK LEON

"Really, Y/N? This-this is what you wanted to show me?"

"It's true though, you actually suck!"

"Come on, you know you only won in Street Fighter because I let you," he whined. You stood up from being laid on the floor before clutching onto Leon's shoulder for dear life.

"For 20 times? Really?" You laughed again, "nah, you just suck, bro."

Leon narrowed his eyes at you with lips pressing tightly in a thin line and turned towards you, his feet moving slowly in tandem as he approach you with a spurious anger, his hands closing into fists.

"What?" You asked with a nervous chuckle and feet backing up in rhythm with his laggard advances.

"You think I suck?" His voice imitated a dark tone. Had you not been slightly scared - which you hated to admit - you would've busted a gut at how ridiculous it sounded.

"I mean, yeah, it's already said in the banner, dimwitt."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Well, let's see who sucks now!"

Welp, that's my cue!

You dodged Leon's attack by the skin of your teeth, stumbling on a stupid pencil for a bit, before proceeding to run around the house to avoid Leon's "spider fingers" as you call it and making a tiny bit of a mess. However, your luck has gone away and he eventually caught you when you accidentally tripped over the leg of a chair, throwing you into his bed and tickling each spot that would make you squirm and and laugh.

"I still suck, huh?"

"N-no, fine...y-you don't...s-suck," you cried in between heavy breaths and hysterics. Satisfied with your remark, Leon stopped his fingers from moving and plopped down beside you, taking a moment to catch his breath before he pulled you closer to his body and spooned you. "You still couldn't win yesterday though."

"Yeah, well, I know a million ways to win your heart though."

"Fuck off, Le-le." Leon tsked at the nickname.

"Y/N, that sounds awful as fuck."

"Whatever." You felt his lashes kiss the nape of your neck as he closed his eyes to give them another four hours of rest, your own following afterwards when you heard Leon's muffled voice vibrate against your shirt.

"Hey, you wanna be my date for homecoming?"

"I thought you already asked Lexee to be your date."

"Dante already asked her out, so..."

"Okay, fine, I'll be your date." You squeezed his hand before intertwining your fingers with his and smiling when you felt him kiss your hair.

"Thanks, Y/N. Good night."

"It's 10 in the morning, dumba-"

"Shh... Rock-a-bye baby..."

"You do suck though." You light-heartedly nudged Leon's side and wrinkled your eyes in a grin, chuckling when he returned the gesture with a titter.

"I really don't," he retorted back.

"Sure." You took his hand in yours and gently squeezed it in a comforting way to ease the two of you before placing a feather's kiss on the back of it. "Come on, we still have a job to do."

*****

Leon S. Kennedy, we're putting you on a very special case for your first assignment. Your mission is...to unlock your desk! The key to your success is in the initials of our first names. Input the letters in order of our desks. There are 2 locks- 1 on each side of your desk. Make sure you get them both. Basically, your first task is to remember your fellow officers' names, but you figured that much out, right? Good luck, Leon. By the way, it might take a little work to get Scott to give you a straight answer.

Lieutenant Branagh

Scrawled in a corner between drops of blood on the paper was an additional note the lieutenant had written while he and his fellow officers were isolated and trapped, and it read:

Be glad you're not here, rookie.

"Remember your fellow officers' names..."

"I think that means the initials of my supposedly co-workers' names should be the password to open these locks on my desk." Leon stood up from where he was knelt down on the floor and casted around from desk to desk, unlocking the padlocks on his table and claiming the prize after accomplishing his "first assignment" - a magazine for his beloved Matilda.

You smiled when Leon pulled out the gun he's had since the beginning of his adult years, another retention reminding you of the peaceful days you once had before you started walking right into confusion.

Matilda was a gift Leon's father had given him on his 18th birthday, a few months before he died of cancer. He was happy about it, and knowing how his family had supported his decision on him becoming a cop, his heart fluttered inside and he couldn't be more grateful about it. Leon held onto it everyday, even becoming a bit hesitant about leaving it behind whenever he went to school. And when his father passed away because of said illness, he grasped onto the weapon the same way he did when his dad was still alive, if not more.

"Happy birthday, Leon. Happy birthday, Leon. Happy birthday, happy birthday... Happy birthday, Leon... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEON!"

Leon's cheeks stretched in an almost painful way as everyone erupted into cheers and confetti fell from the ceiling. Each person was wearing cone-shaped hats and the living room was decorated with different ornaments colored in his favorite hues. His family was there and so were his friends, and oh, how could he almost forget...

It was his 18th birthday!

"So, what do you think?" You spoke from behind him. He turned around to see you smiling like an idiot and tugging on the string of a party you picked up from the floor.

"This," he began. "This is amazing! Wh-"

"Well, son, the candle's almost melting. Wanna make a wish?" Leon's dad emerged from behind the small crowd with a three-layered cake balanced on top of his palms. The icing of the pastry was blue, edible police-related finishing touches garnished it with such perfection he almost didn't want to eat it for the sake of admiring and staring at the cake, and a single candle formed into the number 18 as an emphasis to his recent age was placed on top with a tiny flame dancing around in the air. Leon closed his eyes and wished for the best before blowing the candle, watching as the fire disappeared into a swirling smoke. Everyone rejoiced once again.

When voices had began dying down one by one, Leon's father called his name and picked up a box from underneath the table after placing the cake down where it wouldn't fall down.

"Leon, you're going to be attending the police academy soon and in the next few years you'll be the cop you always wanted. So, as a gift, I give you this gun." He opened the rectangular cardboard box where a gun laid and presented it to his child, Leon's eyes sparkling in delight at his very own weapon. "I know you'll be taking good care of Matilda."

"Matilda?" Leon asked in confusion.

"You know, like, Mathilda from Leon: The Professional," his dad replied. Leon chuckled in response before he carefully took the gun out of its container, still a bit iffy about touching it.

"I'll be taking good care of this, dad."

"I know you will."

"You still have that gun?" You spoke as you gestured towards his firearm.

"Yep, she still looks good as new. I didn't want to break my promise," Leon responded. He turned his gun around to show you just how much he kept it safe like a mother would to a child. Your E/C orbs twinkled in admiration, a feeling in your heart you had kept for a very long time flittering in a joyous manner for the first time since you last saw him.

"Nothing's really changed, huh?"

"I don't want to change anything for now...especially now that you're back here with me."

*****

So, I found this image on google and an idea suddenly popped into my head lmao.

Anyway, WE'RE BACK! I was busy in school blah blah blah. I think yall know that already.

[unnuevosoltransformalarealidad]

It’s Ok

Summary: Chris has been gone on a work trip related for a while. Reader has a complicated week, when she finds out that Chris is coming back, she is not able to welcoming him the way she wants.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Warnings: Sickness, vomiting, fainted, fever, body issues (not to profound)

Word Count: 2,768

This was written for the Week 5 Weekly Challenge of @optimistic-dinosaur-nacho ​ @donutloverxo ​ @captain-a-rogerss ​

A/N: This was kind of proof-read so if there’s any mistake, please let me know, English is not my mother tongue, and I’m still learning. Enjoy the reading!

Monday

You had to get ready, but you were still in bed. It was one of those days you wanted to stay in bed and do nothing. You weren’t feeling ok; you assumed that it was because you missed him, your dearest boyfriend. Today marked the second week since he left for work. It was supposedly to take just a couple of day, but it didn’t go as planned because he hasn’t come back yet.

You felt alone, empty. Chris wasn’t there with you, neither Dodger; Chris insisted on took him in with his sister, so you didn’t have to worry about him. You took a deep breath and decided to get up and get ready for the day.

Once on the kitchen, you were having just a tea, not coffee today, you weren’t in the best mood and the caffeine didn’t help you. You were lost in thought about all you had to do for the day when your buzzing phone brought you back to reality.

Good morning doll. Counting the days to be back with you.

I wish you a beautiful day

Love you

Chris

Suddenly a smile appeared on your face, and felt love, just pure love. Chris knew how sad and difficult is for you to be alone for so long. You decided to text a quick response and then get ready for work.

 Hello beautiful boy. I can't wait to have you with me.

Have a beautiful week.

Love you more

Y/N

 The day at work started pretty good for your liking, but it ended up bad and it was just Monday. Someone did something wrong on important papers and your boss had to deal it with you. Being part of a group of assistants was difficult, you have to deal with the bad mood and yelling from the bosses and people who believed had a superior position than yours. You were really stressed, you needed a break to keep going but it was the beginning of the week and you still had the rest of the week ahead. You finished working around 4:30 pm and had to get ready for your classes. You’re on your third year of college with a major in Art History, your current job it doesn’t have any connection with what you’re studying but it helps the survival.

You have a few delayed papers, a few with close deadlines but still you have to prepare two final exams. The stress was starting to kick in.

Tuesday

 The same emptiness you felt yesterday today was there. You had barely slept; you stayed awake doing some papers and making flashcards to study. Last night after coming back from school, you started to cry, you were overwhelmed, and you needed Chris by your side. You had texted him but you put it aside afterwards because you didn’t want any distractions. You were starving; you didn’t have dinner yesterday, so you got up and went to have breakfast. You took the computer with you so you could update more papers. You had to checked the phone, probably some of the teachers had emailed you because you were late and the grades were coming down. You had a few texts from Chris, of course.

 Hi love! I’m sorry I didn’t answer back, I was busy.

How did your day go? I really miss you

Chris

 Babe, is everything alright? 

Pls answer me

Chris

I hope you rest well. I can’t wait to see you

Sweet Dreams, good night, I love you

Chris

You felt really bad because he wanted to talk to you, but you needed to update some of your essays. Your work was taking you more time than you had expected and because of that you were getting behind in the classes. You finished breakfast, got ready and went to work.

At lunch break, you decided to text Chris back and tell him what was going on. 

Hi honey! How are you? Sorry I didn’t answer I was catching up with homework

I hope your day it's better than mine :(

I really miss you. Can’t wait to see you

Love you

Y/N

So far the day was stressful, but manageable. You had tons of work, and probably you had to stay extra hours to finish some papers that had to be delivered the following day. After the break you started to work on those papers when you got a phone call.

-Hello –I say not seeing who was calling

-Hi love –Chris said –How are you?

-Lost in work, you? –I say

-Missing you –he says

-I miss you too –I say –Look honey, I really appreciate you calling, but I have to finish this, and I’m already late with it –I mention with a sad tone

-It’s okay doll. I wanted to check on you actually –he says –but I’ll call you later

-I’m good, don’t worry –I say

-Ok. I love you –He says upset

-Love you too. Bye –I say and hang up

If you thought that your day was going to get better after that call, you were wrong. A really strong headache hit you and made you feel dizzy, probably it was because the late night working. You decided to take an aspirin, ignore the pain and keep working.

You had to stay almost four hours after work, your headache never left and you had missed the classes of the day. You wanted to get home and get into bed and wake up on the weekend. You decided to send Chris a quick text because he had promised you to call.

Hi love! I know you wanted to talk, but I’m leaving work right now and I have to finish an essay for tomorrow and I’ll probably ignore my phone.

I’m really really sorry

Talk to you tomorrow. I promise

Love you

Y/N

 Once you got home, you took off your clothes, put some pjs and started the essays which were due date tomorrow and you haven’t started yet. It was going to be a long night with lots of coffee.

The pounding headache you had earlier got really worse, your eyes were watering making it really difficult to read and your body was really sore. It was the fifth cup of coffee when you got a text from your mom

Hello Y/N! I hope you remember our dinner tomorrow

It’s been a while since the last meeting.

I really miss you

Mom

As soon as you saw who texted you, you rolled your eyes. You’ve totally forgot the dinner with your mom, you were doing too many things but remember it wasn’t, but you couldn’t cancel it. It was the only time you were able to see her during the week.

 Hi mom! I’ll be there, don’t worry

I miss you too

Y/N

When you send it the message, you realized it that was almost 6 AM and you haven’t finished your essay yet. You stop doing it and went to take a shower and then start the new day.

Wednesday

After your late night work and your shower, you still felt tired and sore. You prepared your breakfast and went to finish your essay. Luckily you were able to finish it just in time to go to work. You send a quick text to your mom and Chris and started your day.

Your day at the office went pretty well. Some stressful moments, but besides that, everything was normal. You were feeling really bad, being all night awake wasn’t your best decision but it was worthy, your essay was perfect, as your teacher said, and you were proud. You needed to go home and crash your bed; unfortunately you had dinner with your mom. You felt feverish but you didn’t pay much attention, probably was the lack of sleeping.

Hello my love! How’s your dinner with your ma going?

The producers told me that probably I’ll be back home by the weekend. I can’t wait

I love you

Chris

Your face lighted up immediately. It was the middle of the week, and Chris was coming back home. Nothing could ruin your day.

Dinner with your mom went terrible. She’d complaint about everything you have been doing since you moved on your own. Everything got worse when she started to criticize your body and your diet; and when she compared you to your sister you snapped. You had to kick her out of your house before something bad happened. Chris promised you to call, but you weren’t in the mood, not after what happened with your mom, so you turned off your phone, drank a beer and then you went to sleep. You deserved it.

 Thursday

Your alarm started to sound pretty loud, you got up and had to run to your bathroom, it wasn’t the cleverest idea to drink a beer before bed. Once you emptied your stomach, you laid on the cold floor. Today you had to stay in, so you emailed your boss calling in a sick day. You went back to bed and you fell asleep immediately. You woke up a few hours later feeling a little bit better from your stomach. You went to the kitchen; you prepared something light to eat and went back to bed. It was the perfect opportunity to finish all your essays you hadn’t hand in yet.

Some hours later, you were emptying your stomach on the bathroom again; you probably had caught a bug during the week. You should tell Chris about it, he shouldn’t get sick. 

You remembered that you’d turned it off the night before, probably you had several messages and missed calls, but you didn’t care. You didn’t want to deal with anything. Indeed, you had several phone calls from your mom and a bunch of texts saying she was sorry and she never meant to tell you such things. Before calling her you texted to Chris quickly to give him an update on your day and your health as well

Hi love! That’s great news! Sorry I didn’t answer back sooner, I was busy…

I don’t think you should come directly from the airport, I think I caught a bug, cause I haven’t been feeling well for a few days.

I hope your day is going good.

I miss you

Y/N

And then you called your mom. She picked up after the first ring

-Y/N! Darling, are you ok? –she asks almost screaming

-Yeah, I forgot to turn on my phone –I say avoiding my health

-I’m sorry about last night, I shouldn’t have told you such horrible things –she says

-But still, you did it –I say –Look, I know you don’t like the way I’m living, but it’s MY life –I say

-I know sweetie, but I still feel bad about how everything ended –she told me.

“She was really excusing herself” you thought but your stomach had other plans

-I’m sorry mom –you say –I’ve got to go. We’ll talk later –I say and hung up

You run to your bathroom, lucky for you, you made it. You really needed Chris next to you. You heard your phone ringing, probably it was him calling you, but you didn’t have the energy to get up, you were really dizzy and you started to see black dots, and then everything went black. This wasn’t good.

You didn’t know how long you were passed out, but when you woke up, you felt terrible. You checked your temperature, the thermometer marked 100.4°; with all your energy you got up, and went back to bed to rest, you didn’t have enough energy to take anything or even cook something.

 Friday

You don’t know when exactly you woke up, you emailed to your job calling in sick again. You didn’t realize what time it was or how long you were asleep. The only thought in your mind was that you needed to clean the house, Chris was coming tomorrow and everything was a mess, even though you warned him about being sick you knew he was going to come either way. You had to take your temp again; you were shivering, probably because it went up. Certainly it did, it was 102.2°; you knew it was bad, so you dragged yourself from bed and decided to run a bath, which was going to help.

After your bath, you went to the kitchen and prepared just a tea, and grabbed two crackers, you didn’t want to push your stomach, you were still weak; and you went back to bed.

You had a few emails from school, from work and some texts from your mom and Chris. When you were about to texted Chris back he called you.

-Hello my love –he says with his calming voice

-Hi –you answer

-How are you feeling?

-Really bad –you say pouting

-I’m sorry doll. Do you want me to call someone to take care of you?

-Don’t worry hun, I’m better now. With some rest I’ll recover –you assure him

-I’m calling you because I’m about to head to the airport so, I’ll probably don’t answer my phone until tomorrow –you heard him smiling

-It’s ok love; I can’t wait to see you again –you say smiling as well

-Me too love. Me too. I’ve got to go –he says upset

-Safe travel, I love you –you say

-Love you too. Bye –he says and hung up

You were crying already, you didn’t know why, probably was the fever. You finished your tea; you put some cozy clothes and went to the kitchen to start cleaning everything.

You finished cleaning pretty late so you took another tea and some crackers for dinner. You weren’t in the mood for food and neither your stomach. Once you finished your tea, you went to your room to clean it, when a wave of nausea hit you and you had to run to the bathroom again. You lay on the cold floor; it was a beautiful sensation against your heated skin. With all your strength you grabbed the thermometer and took your temp again, because you were pretty hot. You were running a temp of 103.1°. You needed help, you tried to get up from the floor so you could go to grab your phone, but you fainted before getting up. 

Saturday

Chris arrived at dawn; he found the house clean although you told him you were sick. He noticed there was no dinner leftover, “have you been eating?” he thought to himself, he was worried

-I’m home baby –he calls but there’s no response

-Y/N? –he calls you a little louder

He thought that you might be sleeping, but his heart broke when he find you. He lifted you from the floor and put you in bed. He went to the kitchen, grabbing a bowl and pouring some cold water, grabbed a washcloth, a glass of juice and some ibuprofen and came back to the room.

When you woke up, you realized that you were on the bed, “did you make it to the bed?” you thought when you saw that Chris entering your room.

-Hey! You are awake –he says and you could barely smile

-When did you arrive? –you question

-Not long ago, I was worried –he admits -I found you on the floor –he sits next to you on the bed pulling the tray on the nightstand

-Oh –you say and you look your hands

-What is it love? -he asks caressing your cheek

-I think I fainted in the bathroom –you admit

Chris didn’t say anything; he went to the bathroom and picked up the thermometer. He came from the bathroom with a worried face

-Open –he commands

You did what he had told you and waited. He never stopped caressing your cheek. You were falling asleep when he woke you up

-Don’t fall asleep sweetie, I know you’re tired, but please, hang on –he sounded worried - Did you eat something? –he asked you but you just shake your head and the thermometer beeped

-104° .How high was the last time you checked it? -he asks you

-103.1° –you says

-We have to break this before it gets worse. How many times did you faint? –he was really worried

-Two times, I think. I don’t really know actually –you say disappointed

-When was the last time that you eat something solid? –he asks concerned

-On Wednesday, with my mom –I say –Probably that’s why I fainted the first time –I explained

-Don’t worry, doll. I’ll take care of you –he says caressing your face.

~Tag List (If you want to be part, let me know)

@iguessweallcrazyithinktho​

[marveloussupernerd]

Ohhh Jumin with 1 for the Christmas prompts please? This local channel has a Hallmark Christmas movies marathon for the entire of December, I watched it when I can to get in the mood (and because I look for Jumin's alike in the love interest 👀). Thanks!

I wasn’t going to write this tonight but then I realized it was the exact brainless thing I needed rn. Everyday at 12 pm my mom gets excited and turns on Hallmark. It is on until 7 pm at least. So I know my hallmark

ALSO did you find Jumin’s alike ? Literally tell me what movie if so

Hallmark Movies - Jumin Han

This is from my Christmas / winter prompts !

Prompt: If you watch one more hallmark movie I’m pulling the plug on the TV

Warnings: this is a dumb warning but i talk abt the plot of some hallmark movies lol

Summary: you have to find some sort of pastime for when your husband is working. So it’s Hallmark. Glued to the couch all holiday season. Jumin hates when you swoon over those fictional men

You had December down like clockwork.

In the end of the year swing, C&R was constantly busy. They had to meet and surpass their yearly quotas. Your husband was always in meetings. This was the first time since getting married early that year that you had regretted your decision to become a stay-at-home housewife.

Jumin got ready for work at 6 am. His alarm went off at 5:50 so that he could wake up and get a few cuddles with you in bed before actually getting up. You woke up with him, planting kisses on his cheeks and asking for his daily itinerary and when you could expect him home for more cuddles. When he got up, you’d message the chef to start making him food. Jumin would tell you to stay in bed.

Jumin liked bringing you tea in bed in the mornings. Made him feel like the perfect husband. He’d get a kettle going as he got dressed and checked for any messages he may have gotten during the night. He’d deliver the tea to you, on a tray. You’d pour him a cup. He’d sit on the end of the bed and drink it. Talk about silly things.

He’d finish his cup, messaging Driver Kim he was ready for him. You’d tie his tie for him. He’d give you a goodbye kiss or two. He left by 6:45 am. You fell back asleep by 7 am, after Jumin messages you that he got to work safely.

You wake back up around 9. This time the chef brings up your breakfast. You’d lounge around in bed, answering emails for party guests, talking to the RFA, going on social media.

You were out of bed by 10:15, getting dressed, doing hair and/or makeup as you saw fit for the day. Jumin liked to lay out two outfits for you. If you didn’t want to wear either of them, that was fine. But if you did, it made him glow with pride.

You’d meet Jumin in his office for lunch together at 11. He’d tell you about the meeting he went to and Jaehee would sometimes come in and chat (which Jumin glared at her for doing). But primarily it was couples’ time. You liked to sit in silence, just enjoying each others’ company. At 11:30 you would head back to the penthouse.

And finally it was noon. Hallmark time. Since your husband worked long hours, you relied on the sexy Hallmark men to fill the void in your household. You laughed, you cried, you watched the same story over and over again but it was so special every time. As soon as Jumin got home, you’d turn off the movie and spend time with him, whether that be reading, cuddling, having dinner, going out somewhere; you let him choose. You didn’t feel the need to have a say. You already got to choose what you’d do throughout the day: Hallmark.

But one day Jumin got sick. Runny nose turned red from all the tissues he had been using, cups of tea gone through to help his sore throat. He was sick and absolutely unfit to go to the office. The schedule was messed up. He insisted he could take at least a half day, going in late and leaving early, and work from his home office. Okay. It was already 11. You’d just watch Hallmark when it came on.

Once the time came, Elizabeth the III sat on your lap (you were convinced she liked the movies too) and you cuddled up to watch the show.

Your phone rang. It was Jumin. You couldn’t pause the show.

You picked up regardless. “Hi Love. How are you feeling?” You asked.

He sniffled. “Bad. But I’m on my lunch break,” his tone brightened.

“...oh.” You hadn’t intended to say that aloud.

“Oh?”

“I’m watching a Hallmark movie with Elizabeth the III in the living room. Why don’t you come out here and eat with me?” Compromise. Elizabeth the III being on your lap meant you couldn’t possibly move.

“Okay! I’ll be right there.” He sounded cheery.

He came out of his office, a few tissues in hand, but a smile on his face. He had dark circles under his eyes. “You two look so cute,” he commented, walking over and taking a spot to sit next to you, wrapping his arms tight around you. He was always more clingy when he was sick.

“You’re so sweet Jumin. What do you say we ask the chef for some soup?” You kissed his cheek. He chuckled, which led to a coughing fit, then nodded.

“What’s happening in this Hallmark movie?”

“Oh!” You were only a half hour in, but you were excited to share the plot. “I’m so glad you asked. So this news reporter lady says she hates Christmas. And the ratings are bad because everyone thinks she sucks because of it. So the news station is sending her to a Christmas town to bring back her holiday cheer. She just got to the town,” you summarized. Kind of strange they were airing a movie from 2016, and one with Lori Loughlin at that (they had pretty much stopped showing her movies), but this was indeed a classic.

“Christmas town? Do those really exist?” Jumin asked curiously.

“I don’t know. Shh- this is the love interest!”

“He isn’t all that handsome,” Jumin commented. You glared at him. “What!? I’m just surprised they didn’t cater to their female audience more.”

“Jumin, my love. These stories are not just about the hot guys. They’re about the romance! The Christmas spirit! The holiday magic! If I just wanted one about hot guys I would watch the one with the firefighters.”

He seemed confused by your intense knowledge of hallmark movies. But! They were so good. You were so invested. And how dare he insult the love interest!

There was a knock on the door. The soup was brought over to the two of you on the couch. You thanked the staff and sent them off.

“I’m just confused about-“

“Shut up and eat your soup Jumin,” you teased. “Get ready to experience true romance.”

He didn’t experience much true romance in the half hour lunch break. But you had a great time with that movie.

Next up: A Christmas Detour. You loved Candace Cameron Bure! This time she was trying to get a flight to meet her fiancé’s parents before the wedding. But of course, her fiancée worked way too much for her to actually end out with him. This was Hallmark after all.

Jumin interrupted halfway through this one. His tie was off, his top button undone. “Baby?” He called to you, standing in the doorway of his office.

You rushed by his side. “What’s wrong?” You placed your hand to his forehead to feel his temperature. He was kind of warm. “Are you okay?”

“Will you make me some tea?” His voice was hoarse. You felt so bad that he was overworking himself even when he was sick. It was 3 by now; how long was he planning to work?

“Of course I will.” You kissed his cheek. “Why don’t you rest for a few minutes while I make it?”

He groaned, agreeing, and plopped down on the couch while you went off to the kitchen to make the tea.

“Why are the people different?” He called to you. He must be watching the Hallmark movie.

“Oh! It’s another one.” You got to work putting the kettle on and taking out the cream and sugar. You walked back to stand by him as you waited.

She finally made it to meet the parents! What an exhausting journey. Ew... they seemed kind of... stuck up. Rich. Filthy rich. Did they really ask her to go to the bathroom and make herself more presentable before they did introductions? How terrible.

“They always make the rich people seem like bad guys,” Jumin grumbled.

You sat down on the arm of the sofa, leaning into him, running a hand through his hair. “Actually, there are some where the girl ends up with the CEO.”

“Her current boyfriend that she leaves is usually the CEO though.” Had he been paying attention to these movies? How did he know this?

“Well... that’s only the ones who work way too much and are like zero fun at all. Then she falls for the local guy,” you explained.

He turned to look at you, eyes all red and watery. “Do I work way too much?”

“No.” You gently placed a kiss to his lips. “You are nothing like those jerks.” The tea kettle whistled; you got up to go get it. “If local homebody was my type, I would have gone for Zen, not you,” you called over your shoulder.

You hadn’t realized he had followed you until his arms wrapped around you as you took the tea off. “Zen’s not your type,” he whispered, his voice a bit deeper than usual. Was he... jealous? You were literally his wife.

“I know,” you turned to face him. “You’re my type. I’m quite literally married to you.” You broke out into a smile, reminding yourself of that fact. Your smile was apparently contagious, because he did the same.

“You never considered dating him though... right?”

“Zen?” You poured the tea in the cup.

“Zen.” His voice was steely.

You giggled. “Of course not. Zen is literally dating himself all the time. I was attracted to you because of how different you are from the others in fact.”

That had convinced him. His face softened. You handed him his tea. “Exactly to your liking,” you smiled.

“I love you. I’ve got two more meetings then I’m all done.” He kissed your cheek then made his way back to the office. Time for more Hallmark.

( YALL MY UPDATE FINALLY HAPPENED ITS SO HARD TO FINISH WRITING THIS AND NOT RUN TO BE 2 JUMIN HAn )

That movie had ended. “A Christmas Love Story” was now on. These two meetings must have been long.

And finally. Finally. He came out. Collapsed onto the couch. You glanced at him and smiled. Then back at the tv. Things were getting tense in the movie!!

“I’m done,” he whispered, a lazy smile on his face as he looked at you.

You glanced at him again. “Yay. I’m so proud of you Honey.”

“Another Hallmark movie?” He sighed.

“This is what I do all day when you’re at work,” you informed him, giggling.

“But I’m not at work. I’m home now.” He scooted closer to you.

“But! I’m in the middle of it. The guest choir director just found out the kid who is getting a solo is her son that she put up for adoption! That’s insane.”

His arms wrapped around you, one hand lingering towards the remote.

“Jumin don’t turn it off!” You whined. He snatched the remote and moved away from you. “Nooooo!”

“Can’t we just cuddle and take a nap? I still don’t feel good.” His finger was hovering over the off button. NO

“Jumin, Baby, please, please, no.” You inched closer to him. “I’m begging you. Please. I need to know what happens.”

“She gets with the love interest and everything ends happily,” he stated simply.

“I need the details! Please!!! I’ll do anything!”

That got his attention.

He quirked an eyebrow. “Anything?”

“Oh get your mind out of the gutter. You’re sick.” You rolled your eyes. Still, you were planning how to get the remote back.

“What about when I’m not sick? Can I cash it in then?” He had the widest smirk on his face. Sometimes you just hated your husband.

“Yes! God, yes Jumin fine. Please! Be quiet and let me watch this in peace!”

He set down the remote. You were safe.

“Fine. But if you watch one more hallmark movie I’m pulling the plug on the TV.”

You laughed at that. Of course you wouldn’t. You just wanted to watch this one, then he’d have your attention.

“Cuddles?” He asked. He was pitiful. You loved your sick husband oh so much though.

You sighed, pretending like it was an impossible hassle, but your smile gave it away. “Yes. Cuddles are okay.”

He triumphantly laid down, resting his head on your lap, grabbing onto your hand. You might’ve watched Hallmark for the rest of the night, but he was watching something much better: you.

[klainebrittana]

Chapter 1 of seperated!

Enjoy!

Chapter 1!!

August’s pov

We ran around the table, giggling like the little children we were. That was all we had to worry about then, one tagging one another. We were 7 what more did you expect from us. She was my best friend. We were brought into the orphanage at the same time you see. Both abandoned like the others. We understood the pain the other was going through, we always had, always will. We both wondered the same questions, why would anyone ever give me up? Why did they do it? Didn’t they love me? We kept each other going, made each other laugh when we were sad. Kept each other alive. What I would do without her I don’t know. But in that moment life was good we had not a care in the world. No consequences, no troubles, now all I want is to go back to that. I want it so badly. I would do anything.

“I’m going to catch you.” I giggled.

“Not on my watch.” She replied before squealing as I pushed her down to the ground and tickled her senseless.

“Stop, stop.” She chuckled. I stood up and layed beside her. “Let’s be besties forever.” I whispered. “Forever.” She echoed. Then the matron came in. “Time for bed girls.” She smiled warmly. She was always so kind to us. She said we were her favorites. Now I know what a lie that was. She wouldn’t have done it if we were. She wouldn’t have forced us to make that decision. She wouldn’t have ruined our lives like that. She wouldn’t have ruined everything. I hate her for that and I will never forgive her.

We had our own dorm together. We had begged and begged and eventually we were allowed to. Together we made a sign out of paper that was stuck on the door with sellotape. It read May and August’s room, we found it hilarious that we both had names named after months. My name is August and hers is May by the way. The sign was rainbow striped and our handwriting wasn’t the best and it was all wobbly. We also hardly coloured inside the lines. I remember it vividly, like it was yesterday, even though it’s been years. We would talk late into the night; a lot later than we were supposed to. I have no idea how we always found something without fail to talk about. We spent every day together, what thing happened to us that the other couldn’t possibly know?

That night we stayed up until 1:00 AM in the morning. We created a fairytale together. I scribbled it down in my notebook as May helped me think of all the words I didn’t know. She was super smart for her age, way smarter than I was. I remember wishing and wishing I could be as smart and as pretty as her. It never happened though. She was always the better, prettier, less troublesome, version of me. I admired her so much for that. She inspired me to be a better, although not perfect person.

We sat there whispering, with a torch that I had bought a few days ago for this very reason. We were lucky we didn't get caught. Especially when we both started howling because I fell out of my bed. It didn't hurt, it was just hilarious. When that happened, we heard matron stir and we just had a moment where we stared at each other, eyes wide, I saw tears brim in Mays eyes, she was never told off, I slowly reached out and wiped her eyes, she gave me a small smile. Luckily Matron never came in but, in that moment, we were both so terrified. She never told us off, never raised her voice, excluding a few times at me. When there was silence again, we both let out a sigh of relief.

"That was close." She whispered and I replied with a quiet yeah. Then we carried on writing our fairytale, of which we had only written a paragraph of because we got distracted very easily.

I've kept the notebook ever since then, too many memories are contained in the pages for it to have been thrown away. I'll attach the story here. Later on in life I wrote messy notes all over it, which I will also include here.

Once upon a time there was a pretty princess called May. My idea as I was trying to tell her in a discrete way how beautiful I thought she was. She lived in a massive castle and had servants to help her do whatever she wanted. All she had to do was snap her fingers and they would come running. May said she had seen this in movies and books. They had to do whatever she said or she was allowed to send them to be executed. May had to explain to me what this meant. But one day an evil witch came to the castle. She kidnapped the beautiful princess! Now they needed someone to save her or her kingdom may go into chaos. In the end they sent her best friend. A poor servant called August. Although even though she was poor she was beautiful as well. Again, May's idea. August found her very easily and had to fight off the evil witch to save her. She did it quickly and then ran to get May. May thanked her and they were best friends for forever more. The end.

It's very short and not great but we enjoyed creating it and that was all that mattered.

May’s pov

I woke up at 6:30 AM and like I promised woke up August as soon as possible by jumping on her bed. It was my birthday! I was so excited as all young children are when that time of the year comes around.

"Happy birthday May!!" August screamed and I looked down at my feet embarrassed from all the attention. Even though it was coming from August. Then we both looked across to the door. One by one all of the other children in the orphanage walked through the door singing happy birthday. They were being quite rowdy and their voices were raspy and completely out of tune, it was sweet that they tried though. I chuckled. "Thaaannkk yoouuu" Then matron walked in rubbing her eyes, she was in a nightgown and I fought the urge to burst out laughing. I could see the others were in the same situation. Her cheeks were rosy red and her hot pink nightie dragged across the grubby floor.

"Why are you already awake?" She groaned.

"It's Mays Birthday!" Peter piped up and the rest of the group nodded animatedly. She sighed.

"Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that. Let me get ready then I've got a suprise for you all." All our faces lit up.

"What kind of suprise." I said.

“You’ll just have to wait and see.” Matron replied and winked as she spun and walked briskly out of the door.

I wonder what the suprise is." I said to August.

"Me too!!!" She replied. She was super excited. She was always so cute when she was excited. She would jump up and down or dance around. Or she would be grinning from ear to ear and speak really fast. She would also grab my hand and drag me everywhere with her. She would be clingy and on the verge of whiny. I didn't mind though. I was nearly always excited as well. And if I, wasn't I didn't mind entertaining it because she was my best friend, my sister. I could never stay angry at her for long.

The room was noisy. Thunderous almost. It was chock full of about 30 chattering children. It was so claustrophobic as well. Most people were pushed against walls or stuck in a group of people since it was only a small dorm room. I dreaded having to actually get out of the room. "Shall we go to our secret hiding spot?" I yelled to August. "Yeah, it's too noisy in here." She said, she'd grabbed my earmuffs and had clamped them on top of her ears. I had shaken my head giggling quietly. That silly girl.

We pushed through the crowd. No one even noticed we had gone. I guess they were all too intrigued by what Matron said. I looked at August behind me. She was giving dirty looks to the room. She hates loud noises and was very claustrophobic. I burst into laughing just looking at her. I remember it clearly now, like it was yesterday. August said “what” huffily. She had put on a fake scowl only so she wouldn’t laugh as well. It was still showing a bit though. I half laugh, half sigh at the thought of it. “You!” I replied. We could say stuff like that to each other because we were such great friends. “Have you seen what you look like? Giving dirty looks at the door and holding bright pink ear muffs against your ears, in summer, and holding on like you’ll die if you let go.” She let out a snigger.

“Ok fine that is pretty funny.” Then we both doubled over laughing.

We had about an hour to ourselves before Matron came in breathing heavily. “There you are girls; I’ve been looking for you for ages.” She said. “Sorry Matron.” We chorused. “Right,” she said sighing. She was still out of breath? “We need to go into the other room so we can leave. We are going to the theme park.” Me and August squealed and grinned at each other. Jumping up and down. The theme park! We have never been there before!

“Oh, my goodness May, the theme park!” August said to me. I don’t think I had ever seen her smile so much. This made me grin too. Seeing her happy, it made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. “I can’t believe it, its really happening, after years of begging!” She punched the air in triumph. Then tried to shake her fringe out of her eyes. She had really short hair, a pixie cut. It suited her quite well. She had cut it herself. Matron refused to do it as it was too ‘boyish’ but August was having none of that. She stole the kitchen scissors that same night and cut it as well as she could.

August really was a tomboy though. I wasn’t apart from the fact I love to play video games. Me and August would sit for hours on end playing them. Our favorite one to play at that point was Minecraft. August though. She wore trousers, never skirts or dresses, plain black things or stuff to do with our favorite tv shows. We loved anime. Especially my hero academia and my promised Neverland. August also was very casual she would stand leaning against the wall with her hands in her pocket. She thought she looked ‘cool’ and at the time I thought she did as well. Looking back now is another story though. I’ll just say it did not look cool.

As we walked in the room, I noticed an increasingly worried look was appearing on August’s face. Her palms were getting clammy and she was trembling slightly. I squeezed her hand tighter and whispered in her ear “Don’t worry, the crowds won’t be too big, I promise, it will be fine.” August relaxed her posture and she gave me a small smile. “Now that’s the August I know.” I whispered and we carried on walking into the other room where everyone was standing.

“About time!” Alexa, the oldest, said. She wasn’t being horrible though she had a big grin on her head. “Now come her my little monkey.” She said and I had run into her arms as she gave me a massive bear hug. She squeezed me tight and I could smell her perfume. After approximately a minute I went back to August.

“Right get your shoes on everyone and we can go!” Matron shouted.

“Ok!!” We screamed back. Then everyone scrambled to get the shoes from the box. There was a lot of pushing and shoving, I had got Augusts for her. The room was actually quite big but as we all had to go to the same part it was chaos. When at last everyone had their shoes on, we left to go to the theme park. What we didn’t know though was how that trip would be the start of the horrific events to come.

[parvuls]

19/54 :)

19 - summer camp / 54 - secret relationship

now. the first thing that came to mind is camp sweetgum. so i’m gonna leave this here in case it strikes your fancy and also because it’s great.

but i’m a sucker for extensive worldbuilding, so let’s settle in for the long haul, kay? this is 1.7k of plot outlining. you can see why it takes me four months to write fics.

eric bittle. age 15. moved to madison for high school, quit figure skating, joined a no contact hockey team. coach is happier but not happy, so he suggests an idea: hockey summer camp. yes contact. it’s in minnesota (coach’s not thrilled about the yankees, but there are no hockey camps anywhere south; he checked), and it’ll give junior an opportunity to meet some kids with similar interests. athletic interests, that is. and there’s still a lake and extracurricular activities, “so it’s just like the camp up by lake oconee, y’know? where the kids braid friendship bracelets and whatnot. except with sports.”

eric is... less enthused. but it’s not actually a suggestion so much as a decision and coach just moved across the state for him because he managed to get himself stuck in a closet overnight (eric’s mindset, at this age, is perhaps not the most healthy), so he says yes.

jack zimmermann. age 20. assistant coached a peewee team for the year and is not ready to spend a third summer in his parents’ house in montréal when all his former teammates from the q are returning home during off-season. his boss tells him about this summer camp in minnesota that’s looking for experienced counselors -- “it’s not a prospect camp, mostly for fun, so the boys there aren’t headed for the league. you should go. talk to some kids above the age of ten.”

jack’s pretty okay with never talking to anyone over ten again, but he’s got no other options and bob starts mentioning going to bonding fishing trips just the two of them, so he send an application.

um. he’s jack zimmermann. he was supposed to go first in the draft. the guy in charge of hiring for the summer probably rubbed his eyes in shock when he saw the email and headed straight to bed because he thought he was delusional from lack of sleep. jack gets the job.

so, like. listen. samwell men’s hockey team? they’re not your usual hockey playing dude bros. eric gets to camp that july and he’s still all long dancer’s muscles from regionals and even lighter weight from usual because he was on a strict diet and he’s got a southern accent and narrow shoulders and he doesn’t like when you slap him on the back. he’s not a hit with the local boys. but you know who does like him immediately? adam birkholtz, who’s off the ushl for the summer and wanted to play some fun hockey and get paid doing it. is it legal? who fucking cares, man.

does eric like adam? uhh. adam is 6′4 and touchy feely and eric’s got undiagnosed ptsd, so. no. but it works out after a while, because adam is relentless and also cannot stand most of the other counselors, and this tiny kid is great.

you can see how it goes: jack does not. get. bittle. it should be mentioned that jack also does not get adam, and adam does not especially like jack, so they stay out of each other’s way, but bittle is in jack’s morning slot. he skates like he was born doing it but every time one of the other players so much as looks in his direction he freezes like a deer. now, this isn’t the ncaa, jack’s got nothing to lose if this kid sucks in hockey, but he also doesn’t make friends and he’s got nothing to do with his day except read (he reads. a lot). and he likes challenges. so he starts paying attention.

the first time he asks eric to stay after morning slot’s over, eric looks so terrified jack’s usual awkward conversation skills reduce him to single-word grunting. but he gets the point across: they’re gonna practice yes-contact. for reasons. eric’s all like, “oh -- oh, no, it’s okay! i’m in a no contact co-ed team, it’s fine, this is a summer thing, really, sir, no need --” and jack’s like, did this kid just call me sir, i am twenty, but is also too awkward to take it back. he’s invested now. they’re gonna practice.

and practice they do. it goes badly before it even remotely starts getting better. eric looks like he’s gonna start crying every time and jack does. not. get him (!!!) but eventually adam finds out and talks to eric about it and encourages him (very, very gently, god, this kid is the shit but he’s definitely got some issues 19-years-old-adam is not equipped to handle) to give it a shot.

and then it does get better. jack likes having a purpose, guiding someone through an improvement process (jack’s therapist, wisely, does not tell him that this is the best thing he could’ve done for himself, because jack is... not there yet). eric (very, very slowly, god, he also should start seeing a therapist) stops fearing every jock who gets near him with the combined effort of adam’s incessant friendly advances and jack’s daily practices, and can even take some checks. gentle ones. but it’s something.

and then summer’s over. eric and adam trade numbers. eric and jack… do not, but jack probably says something like, “eat more protein, bittle,” and eric’s not even that offended, so it’s fine.

guess what? he goes back the next summer. coach is over the moon (he expresses this in a twist of the mustache and a firm shoulder clap). adam is also back, talks a lot about quitting the ushl after his next season and maybe going to college somewhere. jack is back because… uh, well, no one’s really sure why jack is back. he’s going to samwell in early august, right after camp ends. jack tells himself he’s easing himself back into hockey in a low-pressure environment and totally isn’t looking forward to seeing what a year has done to eric bittle.

which is, physically speaking, not a lot, honestly. eric’s firmer now, a lot more thigh and bicep muscles, but still narrow. it’s not collegiate hockey, it’s a high school team, alright? gosh. but he’s less jumpy and smiles at jack when their eyes meet and he’s babbling with adam a lot more than he did last year (they texted all year long, and it was nice having a friend, even if it was long distance), so it’s cool. jack makes him do morning practices again and he flinches less and less. they’re like. friends. maybe. jack hasn’t had any friends in three years and the last one was parse, so he’s a little rusty. it’s not a very traditional friendship.

they part ways again in august, and eric wishes jack good luck in school. jack sticks his hands in his pockets to avoid fiddling with his hat and has no idea how one says goodbye, and like, he’s not gonna keep in touch with this sixteen year old kid in his freshman year of college, okay? so. so. but he’s gonna like -- uh -- miss him. maybe. sorta. don’t tell anyone.

eric hugs him goodbye. jack doesn’t even take both hands out of his pockets to hug back, he’s so shocked.

the year after that, none of them come back. jack’s in college, he just got the c. adam’s getting ready for his freshman year. eric’s over the age limit for camp. it just doesn’t happen.

but the year after that, he gets a hockey scholarship for samwell. and it’s yes contact. and he hasn’t been checked in two years, and last time it was in a controlled environment near a minnesota lake, and he’s scared. and the guy from camp (the one who woke up that morning two years before and realized jack zimmermann indeed wanted to work at their camp) offers him a summer job, counseling skating lessons. and he says yes. for money, and to be ready for a season of real hockey.

also that year, jack’s had a bad season. parse won the cup, and smh didn’t even make it to the frozen four, and he feels shitty about everything. and coaching always made him feel better. so he goes back to camp, for one summer.

let’s set the scene: eric. age 18. taller, stronger, determined. in need of a haircut, but in possession of very short shorts. is headed to a liberal school and finally knows he’s gay and refuses to care about what the other boys think (camp has done wonders for his early mindset development; canon bitty, probably, was not as confident at this point). he’s a counselor now, fellas!

jack. age 23. not taller, yes stronger, has been friends with shitty knight for a year and knows a little more about human interaction (truly a little, but still). is looking to relax for the summer before kicking ass next season (and attracting scouts and joining the nhl and winning three cups before 30 and proving everyone wrong, but. first, relaxing and playing some hockey. jack zimmermann’s version of relaxing is different than other people’s).

they’re sharing a cabin in the counselors area. there are two beds, obviously, this is not that trope, and it’s not even bunk beds, but: they were cabinmates. oh my god, they were cabinmates.

the plot, obviously, follows as one would expect. eric is definitely not a kid anymore, is all tanned skin and strong calves and short shorts, and jack is only human. jack is all firm chest and pale eyes and hideous yellow shoes, and eric is disgusted, but is also only human. and jack is on summer break, and eric is not out yet, and so when they drink some beers one night and make bad attempts at actually braiding some friendship bracelets and jack’s tongue pokes out in concentration and eric bursts out laughing, jack has to kiss him. right? right. It’s not like eric would tell anyone. see closeted reasoning above.

what’s the catch? oh, no, they don’t get caught. they share a cabin! everything’s going swell. it’s just -- jack came there to avoid thinking about his bad season. eric came there to avoid thinking about his upcoming year of collegiate hockey. so… neither of them mentions… captaining the samwell hockey team. or. heading for the samwell hockey team. they talk about literally everything else (country music; undeveloped political opinions; daddy issues; the tv show arthur; american vs. canadian thanksgiving; one very late night conversation about homophobia in pro sports), but not about college. so neither of them knows.

oops?