#without him i probably would have left after st. aurora's set to go back to hiding in my apartment for the rest of the night asap

[theflyingfeeling]

the way I kept smiling on my evening walk as I randomly remembered how nice all of St. Aurora were last Saturday 😭

[hitchell-mope]

Ok. Listen. This is going to be a rant. So I’m forewarning you. This is gonna get mean and there are going to be opinions in this that the vast majority of descendants fans will not agree with.

I like Mal. She’s my sixth favourite character after Ben Jay Carlos Doug and Gil. But I do not like her actress. So please assume that unless I’m talking explicitly about the movies (IE. Tagging descendants 2 or 3) the the Mal in all my headcanons and chats and au’s is a zendaya. Cause I vastly prefer her. I do not think Mal is perfect. In fact I think she’s as far from perfect as a Disney character can be short of being an out and out villain. That’s why I like her. I’ve been mad at her a grand total of four times throughout the films so far.

Love potion

Snapping st Carlos

Attempted memory erasure

Bal scene in the hideout

Do I like how bal happened. No. Not by a long shot. Do I wish they’d gotten together differently. Yes, in fact I’ve cut out the potion from all my au’s but villain ruled Auradon but that’s only cause I had evil Ben find out in part two. Do I think Mal made up for it. Yes. Do I think she can be a dick. Also yes. As far as I’m concerned descendants 2 was just a giant middle finger thrown up against Mal chucking everything stupid she’s done back in her face. Ben’s not a pushover. He’s sweet. He’s innocent. He can be naive. But he damn well knows where to draw the line. Mal has never forced him to stay with her. She left because she believed she wasn’t good enough. And if you look at her face in the d2 date. She looks horrified at what she almost did. And Ben more then rightfully yelled at her. It all could’ve benn avoided if she had just sat and talked to him or jay. Cause. I’m sorry. But Evie wasn’t much help. Yeah Mal didn’t articulate very well and Evie was most likely stressed with back orders. But they should have at least tried. And with regard to the talk with Carlos that wasn’t. She really should’ve worded it better. And he should’ve put the conversation back on track after lettuce hair interrupted.

I don’t like chad. I don’t like Audrey. I don’t like Harry. And I’ll tell you why. Chad manipulated Evie into doing his homework for him. Then dropped her like a hot potato when Audrey deigned to show interest in him. I’ve never liked these whole rich girl head bitch in charge type character Disney seems intent on putting in their movies. I never liked Tess Tyler. I never liked Sharpay Evans. And I’ve never liked Audrey. I despise the way she talked to Evie when they first met. Yeah she may have been right. But did she seriously have to say that to poor Evie’s face. I don’t like Harry. Because he’s terrifying. There’s just something off about him. I’m not sure if he was written that way or his actor chose to portray him like that. But either way I just hope he’s vastly toned down in the threequel. I will however give him this. I like that he’s very obviously a feminist and a non racist. My gripes against these three characters have nothing to do with my opinions on their actors.

Now on to Ben. Brilliant amazing awesome caring compassionate adorable horribly ignored Ben. He and Mitchell are at this point the only reason I’m watching D3. K-Chen is apparently not in it and she’s the only reason I watched the first one. Ben is the catalyst for everything in the movie. He’s the first person to appear on screen. His proclamation set off the plot. He willingly went to the island when Mal most likely write in her letter to not go after her. He is the freaking male lead. I’m sorry jay. I love you. But it’s the truth. And the franchise has yet to include a duet between the main freaking couple. Which is completely stupid cause Ben is probably who all parents want their boys to be. Chad is who they say to stay away from. Ben Jay and Carlos are the most important male characters in the franchise. With Doug coming up as a very close second

I don’t like malvie. At all. I didn’t mind it to begin with but the more I went on the descendants tag and bal tag and Ben tag I saw posts completely disregarding bal and Ben. And then I saw a post that completely assassinated Ben’s character. I’m not saying what the post said to protect all parties involved. But for me it kinda crossed a line. I love jaylos. It’s the only non canon pairing from the movies that could conceivably happen in canon without the two parties having to make a complete 180 on personality. But I don’t hate janelos. I’d like it to have more screen time in the new movie. I’ve got something I like to call the doctor who rule. You don’t see every single nanosecond of the characters lives. There’s six months between the first two movies. More then enough time for Carlos to develop a crush on Jane. Do I wish jaylos had happened. Yes. Have I accepted that it almost certain won’t because Disney doesn’t wanna end up the same as the muppets 2015? Yes. Will that stop me having jaylos is almost all my au’s. Fuck no. But I’ve resolved to also ship janelos. Cause you can’t deny. They cute together

I am not fussed about hades potentially being Mal’s father. In fact I’m kinda looking forward to it. This is because I used to ship Hades and Maleficent back when house of mouse was on. And yeah I know that in the books it’s said that daddy dearest is a human. But villains lie. And I personally much rather prefer it if hades was her father because if her dad is in this movie and he’s not Hades. Then he’s Facillier. And ABSOLUTELY NOBODY WANTS THAT. On the other hand. I’d love it if Facillier were Uma’s father. It’d be awesome

I’m a multi shipper. For Ben alone I ship him with Mal jay Jane Lonnie and Gil and even with Doug to a much lesser degree. But with Evie. I just can’t ship her with anyone but Doug. I can’t see her with anyone else. Yeah. I know. It’s awful and I’m a terrible person. But I’m so far beyond caring at this point. It’s sort of like romione. They work so well together that you can’t really picture them with anyone else. Which is actually sort of weird because if I were to assign a descendants pairing to Romione it would be jaylos

Audrey hates the villain kids. Uma hates everyone from Auradon. Apart from their justified hatred of Mal. They have got nothing in common. Yeah they might bond a little over their hatred. But one of them would probably ruin it pretty damn soon. Most likely Audrey.

The following paragraphs will most likely anger a lot of you

Oustside of Uma and gil. I really don’t care about Uma’s crew. They’re background character. And they’re far less important then the main five characters (Ben Mal Jay Evie and Carlos). I like Uma cause she’s a badass. I love Gil. He’s adorable. And he’s my fifth favourite character (the first four are Ben Jay Carlos and Doug). I’ve sorted my five favourites into order of appearance. And Gil was last to show up on screen.

I love Doug. He’s the only Auradonian with any semblance of brain cells. Sorry Ben. I love you. But don’t deny that you tend not to think with your brain. The only others that have any common sense are Evie Dizzy Uma and possibly Carlos. And yeah. I know very well that a lot of fans don’t like him. But he makes Evie happy. And that’s all that really matters

They won. Grimhilde, Maleficent, Jafar and Cruella won. Snow was poisoned. Aurora was cursed. Jafar became sultan. The puppies did get kidnapped. They won. Briefly. But they won nevertheless. Conversely. Drizella was little more then her mothers chess piece. Hook was driven off his ship by a pack of preteens led by an immortal twelve year old sociopath in ballet tights. Urula got stabbed by the boyfriend of a hormonal teenage fish. Gaston fell off the roof before he could finish beast off. So it does sorta make sense that Ben chose the rotten four.

I don’t read the books. Never watched the cartoon. Too many continuities to keep track of. So I only pay attention to film canon

[do-no-harm-spencer]

Building It Up To Break It Back Down (SL with @InColdDecember)

Spencer: -We were back at home, but I didn’t know for how long. I felt completely torn in half here. I was a scientist, first and foremost, or at least I thought I was. I hadn’t been able to use a bit of it to help Tati though. She was no better off after having met me than she had been before. The most I’d been able to accomplish had been to figure out that her shifting was tied to Mercury and its orientation to Earth rather than the moon like most shifters.

Maybe studying weres and shifters wasn’t the most scientific thing to begin with. It had always had the element of the supernatural about it, but I’d convinced myself that the supernatural was only what we didn’t have sufficient science to explain.

Yet, here I was willing to put all of this into the hands of magic. Logan claimed he was going to be able to help Tatiana, and I sincerely hoped that he could. There would be nothing I’d like more than to be the wrongest and least scientific doctor on the face of the planet where all of this was concerned. I needed her to have something here. I needed her to have some sense of control of her life and her shifting. I wanted her to not be afraid of her own body and the cage that she felt trapped in every time Mercury was in retrograde.  No potion or medicine or treatment I’d been able to concoct in all this time had ever done that for her for even a moment. Nothing was strong enough to overcome the power that the wolf and that planet held over her.

So if we had to put it into the hands of magic to handle then so be it. I knew she was terrified, but I wasn’t going anywhere no matter what this cost me. I was also slightly terrified of what it would cost her. I knew Leah. I knew she would do almost anything to protect her family, and I knew she was touchy, pushing things perhaps too far to make sure that happened. It left Tati feeling like she was going to be used. I didn’t think it was something Leah was capable of, but I didn’t know how a crisis would change things. And I didn’t want either one of them to regret the outcome of this when all was said and done.

I was putting my trust in Beezer to make sure that didn’t happen. He knew what it was like to be under someone else’s control, to be forced to do things you didn’t want to for a cause you didn’t believe in. That was all I had. I had to rely on his strength to overcome the strength I didn’t have, because in this group at least, I was nothing, a mere human. Any one of them could have taken me out in a blink, even Rora in the state she was in. I would have been nothing to them. There was nothing I could to to protect a single one of them, not even the woman I loved.

It was a weird feeling being entirely helpless. I didn’t know what to tell Tati either. I didn’t know if we should run and hide and wait all this out or join the rest of them. I didn’t know if we even had a choice in the end for all that everyone was telling us. I was just going to go with her whatever she decided. That was all I had. I’d start over anywhere as long as she was at my side.

She was in the next room pacing. I could hear her footsteps on the floor as she was working out what she wanted to do. I’d told her as soon as we’d arrived back at home that I was putting it all in her hands. She could decide if she wanted to stay and work at this or leave. I wasn’t going to push her into anything she didn’t want for a moment, no matter what the chances were that she was going to be able to walk out of this in control of her wolf. I couldn’t do that to her. I wouldn’t do that to her. It had to be her call completely.-

Tati: *I didn’t have answers for Spencer. I knew that that was what he was waiting for. He wanted me to make a decision. And whatever decision I made, he was going to support it. That’s who he was. Spencer knew enough about who I was to know that this was a decision he wasn’t going to be able to debate. He could tell me what he thought was the correct move. He could tell me what he would do. But he couldn’t make the decision for me. And I loved him for understanding.

But what I needed was him in the same room with me. With each step I took, I placed my hand on the door to his office. That’s where he was hiding while I tried to figure out what I was going to do. Every instinct inside of me was screaming for me to run. I didn’t want to be here for this. I didn’t want to be a weapon. But there was one person that wasn’t going to let me be a weapon.

To me, it was funny to see that the one person I had been the most terrified of was the one person who wanted to protect me in all of this. Beezer had been used as a weapon, and he understood my hesitance. He knew what I had seen the moment I was told that I needed to fight. And he understood the reason I was afraid to shift. Even if we did get my ability to shift under control, I didn’t know what kind of temperament I was going to have.

The last comment that had been made to me before we came back to our place had been thinking about moving into the Treehouse. I understood why Beezer wanted it. He wanted everyone close. But it also gave everyone the chance to stand watch as I figured out what the hell I was doing. And that was what scared me. I knew I was different. I knew that because of when and why I shifted, I was different. But the part that scared me was everyone seeing just how much bigger I got as a wolf.

There was no denying that I was bigger than an alpha. I was as fast as one, too. But being controlled by Mercury made things a little more difficult to handle. I wasn’t nice. I could be more brutal than anyone could predict. There was no way to figure out exactly what kinds of  issues I had because of how I was controlled. There hadn’t been a wolf that had ever been controlled by Mercury. No one was sure of what I was capable of. The one thing I knew was that I made sure to put myself out in the middle of nowhere for each shift.

Stopping at the door to Spencer’s office, I could only think about how dangerous all of this was. And the last thing I wanted was to worry about Spencer every time I was training. But I knew I couldn’t be at the Treehouse without him.* You can’t be around me when they fuck around with my shifting. You have to stay in the house with Aurora. Examine her, keep her calm, I don’t care. But you cannot be anywhere near me. That’s the only way I can do this.

Spencer: -I looked up when I heard her in the doorway. I knew Tati was there before she even spoke, but I waited until she started talking before I looked up from my desk with a half smile. There were about a million emotions swirling around in my head, but there was no way seeing her in the doorway to my office was not going to pull a smile to my face. I heard what she was saying, and I knew she was right. It was going to be hard enough for her to work on this whole shifting thing without worrying about me or everyone else who was watching.

But I had a feeling, just from the conversation we’d had on the ride home, that Beezer wasn’t going to let any of that happen. He had more of an understanding of this process than I ever would, and there would forever be that in common between them. It was simultaneously frustrating that I couldn’t be there for her in that respect, and comforting that there was at least someone who could be.

Whatever I had to do to help her in this process would be important. If that meant I had to stay shut away in the house when it all started, then I’d stay shut away in the house. I’d read books and check on Aurora or just work on researching something, anything to keep me out of the way until she got this under control. - You know I’ll do whatever you need, and I don’t think Beezer is going to let any of us out of the house unless it’s absolutely necessary. He’s probably more  protective than you are, if that’s even possible. -letting out a breath and walking over to her to rest my hands on her arms- And I mean whatever you need… you know that right?

Tati: *I didn’t know how to do any of this. I wasn’t sure how to agree to anything. I was still scared. I had a million and one thoughts running through my head, and I still couldn’t get myself to focus. The weight of Spencer’s hands on my arms made things a little clearer though. I knew I could tell him whatever was running through my mind, and he wouldn’t judge me for it.

My words were soft as I felt my head fall forward. My chin meeting my chest as I let out a soft sigh.* I need you. That’s what I need. I need to know that even if we decide to do this, I can still leave whenever I want. Even if it’s in the middle of the night. I need to be able to run.

*The panic was starting to set in as I thought about what I was doing. The power I was handing over to someone that wasn’t Spencer. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t like the idea of it. None of it made me feel any better. I didn’t feel safe. And that was a dangerous feeling to have.* I don’t like the idea of leaving our house. But you need to be close to Aurora. I know you’re starting to get a little nervous since she’ll probably have the baby soon. And I know you want to be close in case she has any problems. So let’s pack our stuff and move into the Treehouse with a bunch of people that want to use me in a fight.

Spencer: -I could hear the defeat in her voice. I didn’t know if this was what she really wanted to do, or just what she thought she needed to do. And I didn’t know the right course of action to take myself. There was no telling where any of this was going to lead, or if we were going to regret it when all was said and done. It held the potential to be a good thing in the end, getting rid of the St. Pierre pack for once and for all, giving Tati a chance to control her shifting and her wolf finally, giving the rest of the shifters around here a safe place to be. And in the same token, or rather on the other side of the same coin, the possibility existed that things could end up far worse, that we could lose it all and everyone that mattered to us, or that we could just replace Amos St. Pierre with something worse.  

Nothing was certain, and while I tended towards optimism, I had to admit that this was all a little more than my optimism could handle. I had to rely on hope, at the least the bit of hope I could muster for all of this. I let my hands slide up Tati’s arms to pull her into my chest as I wrapped my own around her slender frame-

Tati, we don’t have to do anything here. We don’t owe anyone anything, but if this is something you want to try then we can give it a try. And if you decide you want to run in the middle of the night then all you have to do is say so. We can go any time. I’ll make sure of it.

Tati: *He was right to a degree. We didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t have to be a part of this fight. But I owed it to Beezer to try and fight. I owed it to him to try and get the shifting under control. I didn’t owe it to anyone else. And if push came to shove, I was going to let everyone know that fact. Beezer was the only reason I was toying with the idea.

I could feel myself start to shake as Spencer wrapped me up in his arms. The only thing I could do was cling to him. As much as I wanted to do this for Beezer, I was also doing this for Spencer. I needed to be able to control my shifting. I didn’t like leaving him when Mercury took control. I didn’t like leaving him unprotected.

But I didn’t have much of a choice. It was either leave him or hurt him. And I couldn’t hurt Spencer. He meant everything to me, and I wasn’t ever going to risk him.* Even if I don’t do this for me, I need to have the ability to change at will for you. I don’t like leaving you alone when I have to shift. I’d feel guilty if anything happens. I need to be in control of myself for you.

Spencer: -I pulled her closer into my chest, just letting her breathe until the shudders that wracked her body subsided, my hands running lightly across her back until she was just breathing evenly. She was going to try, but I wasn’t going to let her go too far with all of this. I refused to let her get herself lost in all of this, and I hoped Beezer was going to refuse as well. I had faith that he was going to help her to the best of his ability.

And in the end faith was all I could manage to have. I had no way of knowing how any of this was going to turn out, but I knew that in the end I was going to do whatever was best for Tati. Hopefully, this decision was going to turn out to be the best for all of us. Only time would tell.-

Then we go. I’ll be right here no matter what happens. You don’t have to do this for me. You and I are what we are no matter what comes of all of this. I hope you know that.

-That was all I knew to tell her. I was going to be here no matter what. She needed to know that there wasn’t going to be anything that happened short of death that was going to take me from her. I was fairly certain she wouldn’t believe it, no matter how often I told her. But I was going to say it no matter what.-

#BuildingItUpToBreakItBackDown

[incolddecember-blog]

Building It Up To Break It Back Down (SL with @DoNoHarm_)

Spencer: -We were back at home, but I didn’t know for how long. I felt completely torn in half here. I was a scientist, first and foremost, or at least I thought I was. I hadn’t been able to use a bit of it to help Tati though. She was no better off after having met me than she had been before. The most I’d been able to accomplish had been to figure out that her shifting was tied to Mercury and its orientation to Earth rather than the moon like most shifters. Maybe studying weres and shifters wasn’t the most scientific thing to begin with. It had always had the element of the supernatural about it, but I’d convinced myself that the supernatural was only what we didn’t have sufficient science to explain. Yet, here I was willing to put all of this into the hands of magic. Logan claimed he was going to be able to help Tatiana, and I sincerely hoped that he could. There would be nothing I’d like more than to be the wrongest and least scientific doctor on the face of the planet where all of this was concerned. I needed her to have something here. I needed her to have some sense of control of her life and her shifting. I wanted her to not be afraid of her own body and the cage that she felt trapped in every time Mercury was in retrograde. No potion or medicine or treatment I’d been able to concoct in all this time had ever done that for her for even a moment. Nothing was strong enough to overcome the power that the wolf and that planet held over her. So if we had to put it into the hands of magic to handle then so be it. I knew she was terrified, but I wasn’t going anywhere no matter what this cost me. I was also slightly terrified of what it would cost her. I knew Leah. I knew she would do almost anything to protect her family, and I knew she was touchy, pushing things perhaps too far to make sure that happened. It left Tati feeling like she was going to be used. I didn’t think it was something Leah was capable of, but I didn’t know how a crisis would change things. And I didn’t want either one of them to regret the outcome of this when all was said and done. I was putting my trust in Beezer to make sure that didn’t happen. He knew what it was like to be under someone else’s control, to be forced to do things you didn’t want to for a cause you didn’t believe in. That was all I had. I had to rely on his strength to overcome the strength I didn’t have, because in this group at least, I was nothing, a mere human. Any one of them could have taken me out in a blink, even Rora in the state she was in. I would have been nothing to them. There was nothing I could to to protect a single one of them, not even the woman I loved. It was a weird feeling being entirely helpless. I didn’t know what to tell Tati either. I didn’t know if we should run and hide and wait all this out or join the rest of them. I didn’t know if we even had a choice in the end for all that everyone was telling us. I was just going to go with her whatever she decided. That was all I had. I’d start over anywhere as long as she was at my side. She was in the next room pacing. I could hear her footsteps on the floor as she was working out what she wanted to do. I’d told her as soon as we’d arrived back at home that I was putting it all in her hands. She could decide if she wanted to stay and work at this or leave. I wasn’t going to push her into anything she didn’t want for a moment, no matter what the chances were that she was going to be able to walk out of this in control of her wolf. I couldn’t do that to her. I wouldn’t do that to her. It had to be her call completely.- Tati: *I didn’t have answers for Spencer. I knew that that was what he was waiting for. He wanted me to make a decision. And whatever decision I made, he was going to support it. That’s who he was. Spencer knew enough about who I was to know that this was a decision he wasn’t going to be able to debate. He could tell me what he thought was the correct move. He could tell me what he would do. But he couldn’t make the decision for me. And I loved him for understanding. But what I needed was him in the same room with me. With each step I took, I placed my hand on the door to his office. That’s where he was hiding while I tried to figure out what I was going to do. Every instinct inside of me was screaming for me to run. I didn’t want to be here for this. I didn’t want to be a weapon. But there was one person that wasn’t going to let me be a weapon. To me, it was funny to see that the one person I had been the most terrified of was the one person who wanted to protect me in all of this. Beezer had been used as a weapon, and he understood my hesitance. He knew what I had seen the moment I was told that I needed to fight. And he understood the reason I was afraid to shift. Even if we did get my ability to shift under control, I didn’t know what kind of temperament I was going to have. The last comment that had been made to me before we came back to our place had been thinking about moving into the Treehouse. I understood why Beezer wanted it. He wanted everyone close. But it also gave everyone the chance to stand watch as I figured out what the hell I was doing. And that was what scared me. I knew I was different. I knew that because of when and why I shifted, I was different. But the part that scared me was everyone seeing just how much bigger I got as a wolf. There was no denying that I was bigger than an alpha. I was as fast as one, too. But being controlled by Mercury made things a little more difficult to handle. I wasn’t nice. I could be more brutal than anyone could predict. There was no way to figure out exactly what kinds of issues I had because of how I was controlled. There hadn’t been a wolf that had ever been controlled by Mercury. No one was sure of what I was capable of. The one thing I knew was that I made sure to put myself out in the middle of nowhere for each shift. Stopping at the door to Spencer’s office, I could only think about how dangerous all of this was. And the last thing I wanted was to worry about Spencer every time I was training. But I knew I couldn’t be at the Treehouse without him.* You can’t be around me when they fuck around with my shifting. You have to stay in the house with Aurora. Examine her, keep her calm, I don’t care. But you cannot be anywhere near me. That’s the only way I can do this. Spencer: -I looked up when I heard her in the doorway. I knew Tati was there before she even spoke, but I waited until she started talking before I looked up from my desk with a half smile. There were about a million emotions swirling around in my head, but there was no way seeing her in the doorway to my office was not going to pull a smile to my face. I heard what she was saying, and I knew she was right. It was going to be hard enough for her to work on this whole shifting thing without worrying about me or everyone else who was watching. But I had a feeling, just from the conversation we’d had on the ride home, that Beezer wasn’t going to let any of that happen. He had more of an understanding of this process than I ever would, and there would forever be that in common between them. It was simultaneously frustrating that I couldn’t be there for her in that respect, and comforting that there was at least someone who could be. Whatever I had to do to help her in this process would be important. If that meant I had to stay shut away in the house when it all started, then I’d stay shut away in the house. I’d read books and check on Aurora or just work on researching something, anything to keep me out of the way until she got this under control. - You know I’ll do whatever you need, and I don’t think Beezer is going to let any of us out of the house unless it’s absolutely necessary. He’s probably more protective than you are, if that’s even possible. -letting out a breath and walking over to her to rest my hands on her arms- And I mean whatever you need… you know that right? Tati: *I didn’t know how to do any of this. I wasn’t sure how to agree to anything. I was still scared. I had a million and one thoughts running through my head, and I still couldn’t get myself to focus. The weight of Spencer’s hands on my arms made things a little clearer though. I knew I could tell him whatever was running through my mind, and he wouldn’t judge me for it. My words were soft as I felt my head fall forward. My chin meeting my chest as I let out a soft sigh.* I need you. That’s what I need. I need to know that even if we decide to do this, I can still leave whenever I want. Even if it’s in the middle of the night. I need to be able to run. *The panic was starting to set in as I thought about what I was doing. The power I was handing over to someone that wasn’t Spencer. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t like the idea of it. None of it made me feel any better. I didn’t feel safe. And that was a dangerous feeling to have.* I don’t like the idea of leaving our house. But you need to be close to Aurora. I know you’re starting to get a little nervous since she’ll probably have the baby soon. And I know you want to be close in case she has any problems. So let’s pack our stuff and move into the Treehouse with a bunch of people that want to use me in a fight. Spencer: -I could hear the defeat in her voice. I didn’t know if this was what she really wanted to do, or just what she thought she needed to do. And I didn’t know the right course of action to take myself. There was no telling where any of this was going to lead, or if we were going to regret it when all was said and done. It held the potential to be a good thing in the end, getting rid of the St. Pierre pack for once and for all, giving Tati a chance to control her shifting and her wolf finally, giving the rest of the shifters around here a safe place to be. And in the same token, or rather on the other side of the same coin, the possibility existed that things could end up far worse, that we could lose it all and everyone that mattered to us, or that we could just replace Amos St. Pierre with something worse. Nothing was certain, and while I tended towards optimism, I had to admit that this was all a little more than my optimism could handle. I had to rely on hope, at the least the bit of hope I could muster for all of this. I let my hands slide up Tati’s arms to pull her into my chest as I wrapped my own around her slender frame- Tati, we don’t have to do anything here. We don’t owe anyone anything, but if this is something you want to try then we can give it a try. And if you decide you want to run in the middle of the night then all you have to do is say so. We can go any time. I’ll make sure of it. Tati: *He was right to a degree. We didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t have to be a part of this fight. But I owed it to Beezer to try and fight. I owed it to him to try and get the shifting under control. I didn’t owe it to anyone else. And if push came to shove, I was going to let everyone know that fact. Beezer was the only reason I was toying with the idea. I could feel myself start to shake as Spencer wrapped me up in his arms. The only thing I could do was cling to him. As much as I wanted to do this for Beezer, I was also doing this for Spencer. I needed to be able to control my shifting. I didn’t like leaving him when Mercury took control. I didn’t like leaving him unprotected. But I didn’t have much of a choice. It was either leave him or hurt him. And I couldn’t hurt Spencer. He meant everything to me, and I wasn’t ever going to risk him.* Even if I don’t do this for me, I need to have the ability to change at will for you. I don’t like leaving you alone when I have to shift. I’d feel guilty if anything happens. I need to be in control of myself for you. Spencer: -I pulled her closer into my chest, just letting her breathe until the shudders that wracked her body subsided, my hands running lightly across her back until she was just breathing evenly. She was going to try, but I wasn’t going to let her go too far with all of this. I refused to let her get herself lost in all of this, and I hoped Beezer was going to refuse as well. I had faith that he was going to help her to the best of his ability. And in the end faith was all I could manage to have. I had no way of knowing how any of this was going to turn out, but I knew that in the end I was going to do whatever was best for Tati. Hopefully, this decision was going to turn out to be the best for all of us. Only time would tell.- Then we go. I’ll be right here no matter what happens. You don’t have to do this for me. You and I are what we are no matter what comes of all of this. I hope you know that. -That was all I knew to tell her. I was going to be here no matter what. She needed to know that there wasn’t going to be anything that happened short of death that was going to take me from her. I was fairly certain she wouldn’t believe it, no matter how often I told her. But I was going to say it no matter what.- #BuildingItUpToBreakItBackDown

[eversopatiently-blog]

Pretending I Don't Feel Misplaced (SL With @IWillNotFade, @DoNoHarm_, and @InColdDecember)

Tati: *Doc had called a million times asking me to stop. Telling me that he was coming to find me. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hide from him, but I couldn’t face Leah or Logan after I had walked away from everyone. I knew they blamed me. They hated me for leaving. For not being willing to help. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to face Malachi. He was just too much. I wasn’t willing to let myself be a pawn like he was. They claimed they weren’t going to use me as a weapon. Logan claimed he could play with my shifting. It wasn’t the shifting I was concerned about. It had never been the shifting. It was my temperament as a wolf that terrified me. I knew I was vicious. The only person I could be around when I shifted was Doc. But even that was a touchy subject. I didn’t trust myself around Spencer. I wanted to. I wanted to let him be beside me every step of the way. But this wasn’t easy for me. It hadn’t ever been easy. I felt myself shiver as I settled on a down tree branch. No matter what, I kept moving. I knew it was a matter of time until Spencer found a way to find me. But I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I wasn’t sure how he was going to find me. I didn’t know if Leah and Logan were going to be with him, or if he was going to be alone. To be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure I trusted Leah and Logan. I didn’t know if the two of them had what was best for me in mind when they tried to get me to be a part of their pack. In fact, I knew they didn’t. They were thinking about what was the best move for the pack. What was the best move to take down the St. Pierre pack. I didn’t hold that against them. But I stood by the fact that they didn’t know what they were asking of me. It was a scenario I had let go through my mind a million times. What if I did let Logan manipulate my genes? He claimed that he could give me the power to shift at will. But was I crazy to not trust the magic he was offering? I didn’t trust anyone. It was something that was always in the back of my mind. I was going to be used as a weapon. It was what the other wolves in my father’s pack had wanted. But my father knew it wasn’t fair to me. So he let me go. And issued the warning that if anyone came for me, they were dead. Even if I wasn’t a part of that pack, I was still his daughter. I always would be. I could have run back there. Arkansas was only a few miles away. I knew I was sitting close to the border. But I also knew that if I did go there, Spencer was going to find me. But I knew I needed to stop. I needed Spencer in a way I hadn’t ever needed, or wanted, anyone before. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to give him every part of me. But I wasn’t entirely sure how to do it. I didn’t know how to open myself up to him. Pulling out my phone, I sent him one message. I didn’t know if it would bring him to me, or drive him away, but I needed something. I needed him to know that I loved him. It was the only way he knew I was giving him something. I wasn’t sure if he was going to accept it, but I needed him to know that I was trying.* There’s a wooded area off of route 167 just before you cross the border into Arkansas. Spencer: -I didn’t even have to pick my phone up to know it was Tati texting me. I’d set her tones to something different than everyone else a million years ago. The sound alone told me everything I needed to know. I’d been trying to call her since she ran out that door, but I knew better than to think she was going to answer me. The fact that she was texting me now was more of a surprise than I cared to admit out loud. This wasn’t the first time that Tati had run away. She had a habit of avoiding everyone, even me, when things became too much for her to handle, when the time came for her to shift or when she just couldn’t take any more of the world. I’d learned not to take it personally a long time ago, but sometimes it was hard. This time was one of those times. The thing was, this time, I was already out looking for her. I hadn’t known where to begin, but Beezer had. He’d scented her at least this far, and judging from her text, we didn’t have much farther to go. I had no clue how she was going to react once we got there a whole hell of a lot faster than we probably should have. All I could do was take a deep breath and let the two weres who’d come with me this far know what the message had said.- So, she just messaged me. -glancing over at Beezer and Aurora with a soft exhale before I continued- She’s not far. A grassy area off route 167. Do you know it? Because I do if you don’t. -I’d passed it before, without knowing it was the place she would run to. Maybe it was where she always went, maybe it was somewhere else, a random place she’d just picked out of the blue. I had no way of knowing. I could only hope that she wouldn’t freak out when I didn’t show up alone and run again, this time to somewhere we wouldn’t be able to find. I grabbed my phone and tapped out a reply- I’ll be there soon. -sending it before I slid my phone back into my pocket, mind churning to try to figure out what to do when we got there. I didn’t know if I should go out and speak to her on my own before I let her know the other two were there or what. I knew she would probably know they were coming before she saw them, that she would smell them on the wind before she scented me if the wind was right. I had no clue what I was doing here. I just needed to find her.- Rora: ^As soon as Doc said she was in the area just off of 167, I knew where she was. It was a place I had visited one time, but I felt myself take in a breath of air. I didn’t like thinking of that time. I couldn’t ignore the look from Mal, though. And I knew I was going to have to explain to him why I knew it. But I also knew that we didn’t need to go barging in like we owned the place. As we pulled off the road, I let my hand rest on Mal’s arm.^ We can’t go to her just yet. Doc needs to talk to her alone. He’ll help in getting her to listen to us. ^I knew Mal didn’t like sending Spencer to talk to her alone. He didn’t know what was in these woods. But I knew what was here. It was relatively safe. Derrick was back in New Orleans with Mal’s family. I couldn’t even begin to understand what was going on there. I could imagine it, though. They were doing everything to prepare for battle. I knew Derrick. I knew what a battle meant to him. And if the stories Mal had told me were anything to go by, I knew that he would fit in with the St. Pierre’s.^ She doesn’t know you like I do. She knows the horror stories of your father’s pack, though. She knows you were used as a weapon, Mal. She has never seen you when we’re together. She doesn’t know that you can be the sweetest guy in the world. She doesn’t understand that. ^Taking a breath, I brought my leg up and folded it under me. As I turned to face Mal, I was struck by his beauty. I wasn’t sure if he was ever going to acknowledge it, but he was handsome. I had learned to stop telling him, though. All he saw were the scars and injuries. I saw them for what they were, marks of a survivor.^ When you’re alone, you’re a lot to take in. And that’s when you’re not a wolf. You know that as a wolf you’re big and imposing. You could give her a run for her money if you wanted to control her. ^Putting a hand up as Mal went to rebuke me, I gave him a look.^ I know you would never do it. I know that you hate what your father made you into. I know that’s why you and Leah are still together after all this time. But Tatiana doesn’t understand that. Logan and Leah might not understand, but she kept herself away from us for a reason. Not only does she not have control as a wolf, she’s in the same space as you. And everything she knows about you makes her scared. So she kept herself at arms length to protect everyone, even herself. You can’t give her another reason to be afraid of you, Malachi. She needs to see what I see. She needs to understand that you’re not the wolf your father or brothers are. She needs to know that you don’t want to use her as a weapon. Mal: -I made myself listen as my wife talked, despite my gut instinct being to disagree with her. I knew she was right. It wasn't what she was trying to tell me that I thought was wrong. It was just that I knew Tatiana’s gut reaction to me was the one I'd been fighting all my life not to be. My father had wanted me to be this fighting machine, a tool that he could wield as he and then my older brother saw fit. I wouldn't have used the power I had to control another, not when it was exactly what had been done to me. But I also knew Tatiana had no way of knowing that. She didn't know me, not at all, and I'd only ever caught glimpses of her in passing during the few times she'd been at the treehouse. I knew I could be intimidating. I was almost as big as my brother, and I was faster. It gave me the advantage in a fight and it was pretty evident to anyone who knew anything about a fight at first glance. I wasn't a fool. Never mind the scars I'd been left with after years of fighting both on behalf of my family and on my own just for survival after I left. I was strong, but I wasn't invincible. I'd been brought along to help find her. Doc was the one she was tied to, and as nervous as letting him go in to find her alone made me, I knew it was a necessary evil. I was still going to be on edge as all this happened though. There was no getting around any of that. If she saw me coming, her first instinct was going to be to run. He was going to have to soften her up for me to be able to get even close enough to her to get a word in. And there were a few words I needed to get in. There wasn't anyone here who understood that fear of being used for what you were quite like I did. There was more than a bit of terror in not being in control of yourself during a shift. The ability to recall what had happened when I shifted came and went with the moods of my wolf. If he had business he didn't want me to know about, I wasn't going to remember a moment of it. If he allowed, I would have perfect recognition. I supposed it was his way of protecting me from knowing about how he took care of business. And I supposed it was a mercy, but I was never in control. Reaching out to run a hand along Rora’s arm until my fingers found hers and I gave her hand a squeeze, keeping it there even after I could have pulled away- Then Doc goes in first, but I want to talk to her. I need her to know what's real. At least I need to try to tell her. I don't know how much good it will do. Spencer: -Beezer and Aurora were talking along the edge of the road, but I paid them little attention. I didn’t know what was passing between the two of them at the moment, perhaps it wasn’t my place to know. I did know them both well enough to know that they were going to try to help as much as they could. I’d tried before to explain a little to Tati about him, but she couldn’t get past the last name. I’d heard of the St. Pierre’s. I’d been in Louisiana for awhile now, and there was no way to be a part of the shifter world here without hearing about them. I had to admit that it gave me pause at first. His name, combined with his size, was enough to frighten anyone. I couldn’t blame her for that. But I’d gotten to know him since his arrival, at least on a few occasions. He didn’t remember what happened when he shifted, and he had a tendency to come back from those sessions with a wound or two. I’d forced him to come see me about the worst of them, the ones he couldn’t take care of himself. They healed fast, but they could still get infected, and they had a rough time coming back from something during the full moon when all their energy was focused on the animal within. He was a lot like her. He had a hard time controlling his shifting from time to time, but mostly he had a hard time controlling the wolf that came out. It was merciful enough to block him from remembering what it got up to when it was more than the man could handle. In truth, he was a giant, but he was fairly soft spoken and gentle. The man and the wolf were two different, albeit connected things. The scientist in me found him fascinating. He was bred to be a weapon, and he’d overcome all of that breeding and training to be what he had become. But I also understood why Tatiana was frightened. If I’d grown up with stories of what the family could get up to, I would be just as terrified. I had the advantage of coming at everything here from an outsider’s perspective. I left the two of them behind. I needed to go in first to try to explain to Tati what was going on, why the two of them were here and just pray she didn’t run again. The clearing wasn’t far from the highway, though it was concealed by a stand of trees I needed to make my way around to come out into the open. I had no idea what to expect when i walked into the clearing. She’d all but asked me to come with that text message, so I could only assume she wanted me to find her. My eyes darted around the clearing, looking for any sign of her as I called out her name- Tati? -The uncertainly in my voice was clear. She was here somewhere. I knew that much at least.- Tati: *I heard Spencer calling out, and I had been right. It hadn’t taken that long for him to come looking for me. It also helped that he knew where I was running to. I just knew that there was a risk with walking over the border into Arkansas. I knew that there was a chance I was going to be looked for. And I wasn’t about to go there. I wasn’t ready to give myself up to any one pack. I didn’t trust any person enough to be with a pack. In truth, Spencer was my pack. He was the only one I cared about. Stepping out into the clearing, I took a breath. My senses were heightened, so I could smell that he wasn’t alone. Or rather that he hadn’t been alone. But I knew he needed help in finding me.* I can’t do it, Spencer. I can’t let them do that to me. Am I insane for not being sure about Logan’s magic? Am I stupid for not being willing to see if it works? *My nerves were shot. There was no way to explain it. But I needed him to see my side of everything, and that had never been an issue with Spencer. He understood me in a way no one else understood. We had spent so much time talking about everything. He knew my fears and my reactions better than I did.* I understand that this is their family, and they want to do everything in their power to protect it, but am I crazy for wanting to protect myself? Spencer: -I could hear the fear in her voice. She was scared, but there was more behind it than that. She wasn’t just scared of Beezer. It was what he represented that terrified Tati. To her, he was everything she was afraid of being. I raked a hand through my hair listening to her as I slowly approached the edge of the clearing she’d appeared from. I needed to be closer to her, needed her to be able to look into my eyes so she could see that I meant what I was saying.- Tati, there’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself. I’d be mad if you didn’t. Don’t give up anything without a fight. That’s not who you are. I don’t expect you to just let anyone do anything to you. -I was close enough to touch her, though I didn’t. I just let the distance between us close to almost nothing.- I know you know I didn’t come alone. They’re waiting at the car, but I won’t let them come in here if you don’t want them to. -I couldn’t resist the urge to reach up and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. I wanted to take care of her for all the fact that she was in truth much stronger than I was.- Tati: *I could only press my face against Spencer’s hand as he tucked my hair behind my ear. I wanted to pretend that none of this was dangerous. I wanted to think that none of this had happened. We weren’t running for our lives. I wasn’t putting everyone in jeopardy by running. But I knew I was protecting them when they couldn’t see what I was for themselves. I was more concerned with them than they were. They were only thinking of the temporary. The immediate danger. They didn’t understand long term. They didn’t understand that this was my life. But as I relaxed against Spencer, I was hit with the sudden realization that it wasn’t Leah and Logan who had come with him. He had said they were in the car. He never said who it was. And him not telling me who it was should have been the biggest clue that he was hiding something. And I wasn’t going to like what he was going to tell me.* You didn’t, Spencer. Tell me you didn’t come with Beezer. Of all the people, you know I can’t go there. I cannot begin to think about why you thought that was a good idea. *I felt myself start to tremble as I thought about Beezer being so close. The man that was the physical representation of my fear. I didn’t know how to act around him. It wasn’t that I was afraid of him, I was afraid of what he was. I was terrified that someone would do that to me. And it was something I ran from. I didn’t want to give anyone the chance to see it.* If you thought him talking to me was going to be the best idea, you’re mistaken. You know I can’t go there. I cannot begin to think about it. Rora: ^I had given Doc the benefit of the doubt, but this was getting to be a little much. I could see Mal fidgeting, and I knew I needed to get him out of the car. I needed him to get some fresh air. I needed him to relax. Because the truth was that he was going to lose it. And that was when things were going to get dangerous. I wasn’t going to let him go to her, though. As I stepped out of the car, I lifted my hand towards him. It was a beckoning. I wanted him with me, and I knew he wasn’t going to let me go far without him. I wasn’t sure if it was a side effect of me being pregnant, but I wasn’t allowed to be on my own. And it was okay. I knew he was trying to protect me. They both were. But I knew how to protect him, as well. With my hand entwined with his, we started towards the clearing where I knew Tatiana was going to be. And I heard what she was saying. And I understood it to a degree. I could see the pain written on my husband’s face though. And that was the thing that Tatiana had never understood. She didn’t get that this wasn’t someone he wanted to be. He didn’t want people to fear him. It was something he hated about himself. My voice was soft as I walked into the clearing. I gave Doc a small smile as I walked forward.^ We didn’t bring Mal along to talk to you. It’s quite the opposite. I was brought along to talk to you. Mal came because he’s my shadow. Especially with this baby. He’s concerned about keeping it safe. He’s worried about keeping me safe. The last thing he wants is for anyone to be used like he’s been used. ^Coming to stand in front of Tati, I let out a soft sigh. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy for any of us involved. But I knew it was going to be painful if it all came from Mal. So I felt the words start to tumble from my lips.^ Mal wasn’t always a blackout wolf. It was a side effect of his training. And I am eternally grateful to that wolf of his. He protects my husband when I can’t. When no one else was able to, the wolf has always protected Mal. ^Casting a glance over my shoulder, I looked at my husband who was doing everything to not hear what I was saying. He didn’t want to admit any of this to anyone, but I knew the truth. Tatiana needed to hear this. She needed to know that this wasn’t something Mal wanted to do.^ Mal knows what it’s like to be used as a weapon. I understand why you’re terrified of him. But it’s not him that you’re afraid of. I know that, too. I know that you’re afraid of everything Mal was taught to be. But I can tell you that he’s not going to let that happen to you. You can say you’re protecting yourself, but the truth is that you’re protecting everyone else. Let Mal protect you. Mal: -Mal… Malachi. That name I hadn’t heard for a long damned time off anyone’s lips but Rora’s. It belonged there. No one had called me that since I was small, when my mother would call me in for dinner or from upstairs to come down for chores and school. Beezer had been the name of choice for the rest of the world. The name my brother’s had given me when Zeke gave me a broken nose as a seven year old. I knew Tatiana was terrified of me. I knew most people were. Leah and Rora were the rare exceptions. I couldn’t help how I was perceived by the rest of the world. I was what I was. My father had seen to that. But I was a lot more than that. Tati only saw the part that my father had wanted to project to the rest of the world. Rora wasn’t wrong about the wolf. He and I had been bred to be weapons. The blackouts had been trained into me to keep me from objecting or even knowing what was going on when my father was in control. But the wolf had kept them in place when we left. As much as I hated not remembering, at times it was merciful. I kept my distance as the two of them spoke, but I couldn’t help but overhear what they were saying. My ears could have picked up their gentle conversation at twice the distance even if I tried not to pay attention to it. They were talking about me. The thought made me uncomfortable enough without hearing exactly what they had to say about me. I could feel my chest tighten at the words that came from their mouths. Tati clearly didn’t want me here, and I couldn’t blame her for that. My wife was insistent that here was the very place I needed to be. Tati was afraid of not me, but of becoming me. I couldn’t say that I blamed her, but if she thought Leah was going to use her the way my father had used me, she was mistaken. It wasn’t something she would even do, but if she tried, I’d have refused to allow it. There was no way I was going to let that happen to someone else the way it had happened to me whether I knew them or not. I could only step forward, coming close enough to the three of them to make certain I was heard as I spoke- She’s not wrong… She never is really. -shaking my head before I ran a hand roughly over my face, taking a deep breath.- I’d die before I let someone get used the way that I was. I didn’t have anyone to fight for me, and the one person who tried to protect me paid for it with her life. -I took a deep breath, holding back the emotion I could feel welling in my chest, the wolf pacing slightly at the tension that wrought in my frame, though I knew he was going to stay put for now, at least- Protecting everyone else and protecting yourself… Those don’t have to be something you do on your own. Tati:*I was a little surprised when Beezer walked up to me. But he still kept his distance. Like he knew all of this was hard on me. The running had been the worst. Leaving Spencer behind was something I never wanted to do. I didn’t like the thought of leaving him. But I knew the truth. He loved his work with Leah. He loved being there for them. He wanted to give them a safe haven. He didn’t want them to have to answer questions. So he played doctor with them. He gave them the reassurances they needed. He was finding a home. I wasn’t sure what I was finding. But the truth was I didn’t know what the next step was supposed to be. I could only tell them what had happened in the kitchen of the Treehouse. I needed Beezer and Aurora to know the truth of what had happened.* Have you ever been told you have the choice of doing something? But really the choice has already been made? That’s what Leah and Logan did to me. I didn’t get a choice with them. They told me I didn’t have to fight with them. They told me I could walk away from it. But when I told them that I didn’t want to be a part of the fight, I got bullied. I got told that if I didn’t fight, the fight was going to find me anyway. So, essentially, it didn’t matter if I didn’t want to fight. I was fighting. *I felt myself lean against Spencer as the tears started to well in my eyes. I didn’t know how much Mal knew about the discussion with Leah, but he needed to know the truth. I had no idea how they had gotten him to come. I wasn’t sure what lies people had told him.* I have never had control over myself when I shift. And that is okay. I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve figured out how to protect Spencer. That’s all I’ve been able to focus on for the past few years. *I felt the tension in my body as I thought about how many years it had taken before I knew what the hell was going on with me. And in that time to learn how to protect Spencer from when I changed. It was a very long process.* I may have more time to practice, but all of that goes out the window for two weeks every three months. It takes every ounce of control to go somewhere where I won’t hurt people when it’s time to shift. Leah and Logan are now asking me to try to learn everything again. Even with Logan manipulating me into shifting whenever I want, the problem of my temperament remains. Should I risk everyone around me? Are you willing to risk Rora and the baby if I don’t have control when I shift? Mal: -I didn’t have the answers that Tati seemed to so desperately want, and the sheer mention of risking Rora and the baby had my wolf straining at the bars that held him in tenuously in place. I could hear the doubt and fear in her voice. I had no way of convincing her that she was going to be able to do this, and I could tell that she had no faith in her or Logan’s ability to make this work. She was telling me Leah and Logan had pushed her into this corner, one where she got told to shit or get off the pot before she got slapped across the face that this was going to happen whether she liked it or not. I knew Leah. I knew she wasn’t exactly a bully, but that she was going to do whatever she needed to do to protect the house and the people in it, which included Tati whether she believed it or not. I kept my voice soft for the moment, though I couldn’t stop the deep rumble that came with the effort of holding the wolf within me at bay- I thought the same thing the first time I shifted around her, around any of them. The black wolf in me… -shaking my head for the moment as I thought about the things that he’d done- he is ruthless, and I’ve seen the aftermath of the things he’s done. He was trained to be a killing machine. That’s all I was supposed to be good for. I can’t make you any promises except this one. Whenever you shift, he will be there. And I can promise you there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do to protect his family. I know you know me… even if I don’t know you. At least you know me by reputation, and I can’t say I blame you for being scared. I can’t tell you all of this is going to turn out alright. I can’t tell you my family isn’t going to come in teeth bared and snarling and take us all down. But I have to fight for what I’ve found. Life isn’t worth living without it. I was born into a family that only wanted me for what I could do for them. I stumbled into one that would do anything for me instead. You can be a part of that too. I know what it’s like to shut the world away, to keep yourself apart to protect others. It’s part of protecting yourself too. I’ve been there. I spent a long time on my own before I came here with Leah. She was the first person who took me in and made me part of her life when I had nothing to offer her. She’s ruthless too when it comes to protecting what she loves, but I’ll keep her in check, even if no one else can. She hates this whole alpha thing. I can’t say I blame her. It wasn’t the life either of us wanted exactly. She does the best she can with it. -I knew I was babbling. I was a little nervous. And I wasn’t sure I could convince Tatiana of anything, especially when I wasn’t good with words. Reaching out for Rora’s hand, I threaded my fingers between hers and drew her into my side.- I’ll protect my family. And I don’t just mean Rora and the baby… -trying to catch Tatiana’s eyes with my own- The offer to be a part of the family is there if you want to take it, the protection too. I won’t let them push you past what you’re capable of doing, but I think you’re capable of a lot more than you know. -I could smell the fear on her, but I could smell the wolf too. I’d scented her in the woods around the Treehouse on occasion, but that occasion was rare. I knew she kept to herself, and I’d let her. I knew that need to be a loner better than most around here. Leah knew it too, though for her it was for an entirely different reason.- Go ahead and slap me if I’m wrong here. I won’t stop you. And I won’t stop you from running if it’s the thing you need to do. Rora: ^I could only shake my head at Mal. The truth was that he was intense on a good day. On a bad day, he was downright intimidating. And I wasn’t entirely sure what kind of a day this was for him. It could be a good day when he thought he was being intense. But to Tatiana, it could be a bad day. Taking a breath, I couldn’t stop myself from joining in again. But this time, I turned my attention back to my husband. I could see him with that singular focus. He was defending Leah, and didn’t understand what it was like for outsiders. It was the same thing I had gone through the first time I had met Leah. He was underestimating Tatiana.^ Malachi. Take a breath, and listen to her. ^Moving to put myself in my husband’s line of sight, I needed him to see that this was serious. I had to make him realize that his blind trust in Leah didn’t always work for everyone. It hadn’t been a comfort to me, and it wasn’t a comfort to Tatiana.^ You’re making the same assumption that Leah made. You know your wolf because he is a part of you. You know that he was taught to be a killing machine. But the problem that you, Leah, and Logan are all overlooking is that Tatiana knows her wolf as well as you know yours. ^I couldn’t help the tinge of disappointment in my tone. Everyone wanted what was best for the Treehouse. They wanted what was best for the people living there. They wanted to get everyone they knew into the fight. But they didn’t want to listen when there was something to take into consideration.^ This isn’t about being like you. This isn’t about her being a weapon. This is about Tatiana being afraid to put everyone around her at risk. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And that’s something she’s afraid of. It’s a valid point, Mal. What if she can’t control herself when she shifts? What if her temperament doesn’t change, and she’s still as vicious as she is now? Should we risk everyone’s life with someone that doesn’t actually want to hurt us? Malachi: -I locked eyes with my wife and instantly felt like an asshole. I knew I was being pushy, but I had a hard time turning down the intensity a lot of the time, even when I could sympathize with Tatiana. It would be easy to sit here and beat myself up about it. I was good at that, but it wouldn’t get anything done. I had to stop and take a breath, consider everything from someone else’s point of view. It wasn’t just about the what if’s. There was history there, and Tatiana knew it better than any of us, even Doc. I needed to listen to her.- Then I owe her an apology. I have to think that this is all going to work out, because I can’t think about the alternative, Angel. If it gives me tunnel vision, then I have to fight against it. Just keep reminding me. -The last thing I wanted was to get so single minded that I let it turn me into my father. He would have used anyone he could to get to the ends he sought after. And while his were always selfish, the fact that mine weren’t didn’t mean that the ends justified the means. I moved to be able to look Tatiana in the eye- Listen, I’m sorry. I don’t know what it’s like for you. I can only tell you what it’s like for me. I wouldn’t want to put any of the people here or back at the house in danger, and I wouldn’t want to put you in the position of being responsible for it. It is a valid point. I just can’t help but hope that things will be different. In the end, it’s your call. I promise you that. It’s my fault that you’re in this position to start with, and I couldn’t begin to apologize enough for all of that. -I wasn’t sure what else to say. I wasn’t wrong, and I felt like I needed Tatiana’s help, but in the end it was her decision to make, not mine or anyone else’s to make for her- If you want to stay, I’ll help you. I’ll make sure no one else is around when you shift until you’re sure that you’re safe. If you want to run, I’ll make sure you get where you’re going safely. Just tell me what you want to do, and I’ll stand behind that one hundred percent. Tati: *I could only nod my head as Beezer apologized. I wasn’t entirely sure what to make of his offer, though. Was this something I wanted to do? Did I truly want to see if I could take control of my wolf? It was a silent need, though. I hated that I needed to protect Doc every time I went to shift. There was still so much going through my head, though. There was something about Logan’s magic that I wasn’t sure I trusted. I didn’t like how he could make promises of me shifting. I didn’t trust how sure he was of everything. But maybe it was just Logan himself. The first time we had met, and he basically threatened my life without saying the words. He was great at manipulating those around him to get what he wanted. I knew it wasn’t that way with Leah, but he had tried to do it to me. And I wasn’t sure I was willing to be put under his thumb that way. I let my eyes go between Mal and Spencer’s before I took a breath. Letting my gaze fall on Spence, I shrugged my shoulders.* The only thing I have ever wanted was to be safe for you to be around. I hate leaving you when I shift. I hate that you’re in danger for any amount of time. If you think this is a risk I shouldn’t take, please say the word. I won’t do this if you don’t think this is a good idea. Spencer: -I’d been studying Tatiana for a long time, longer than we’d been together. It was how we’d met each other. I had found a few of the answers she was looking for, but I was far from figuring it all out. The truth of the matter was, she had to leave whenever Mars was in retrograde. There was no way I was going to be safe around her until she could control herself, and at the moment, control was far from what she was capable of. I had no way of knowing if any of this would work. My world was steeped in the paranormal, but it was also grounded in the scientific. I’d done the best I could at consolidating both of the realms into one, but there were times when I couldn’t explain or predict things at all. This was one of those times. I had two options here, and I was fairly certain Tati would listen to whichever I chose. I could be selfish either way, even when that wasn’t in my nature. I could take her away from all of this and go back to living the fairly quiet life we were leading, even if it meant walking away from the work I’d done here. For her, it was worth it. Or I could stay, and chance this with her, just for the ability to be with her all the time, not having to have one or the other of us hide when she was out of control. Being in control would mean the world to her. It would mean she was in charge even when the wolf was out. It was something she never thought she was going to have. And in the end I thought that was worth a try, even if it didn’t work. - I think it’s worth a shot, Tati. You’ll never know what you’re capable of unless you try, and this is the safest way I can think of attempting it. I’ve seen him shift. If it’s just the two of you, he’ll be safe, and be able to protect anyone else from you if you can’t keep control. Go far enough away and even that won’t be an issue until you’re ready for it to be. It can go slowly, as slowly as you want. I say you set the terms of all of this. Let it be completely in your hands, not anyone else’s call. Tati: *I nodded my head at Spencer’s words. He was right. This had to be on my own terms. I couldn’t do this for anyone else. It was something that I needed to do for me. There was no other way I could think of it. Turning my attention back to Beezer, I nodded my head.* Spencer is absolutely right. This has to be on my terms. We do this as far away from anyone at the treehouse as possible. And it has to be just you and me. Aurora cannot be here, Leah can’t be here. The only time Logan can be around is to do his thing with my shifting. He can’t be there for the training. I won’t think twice about going after him. *I could only bite my lip as I thought about the next part of the request. I wasn’t sure it was something that could be pulled off, but they’d have to figure it out. I couldn’t change my thoughts on Logan right now. Not with what he had said or made me feel. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t want to trust him. And me agreeing to this was more for Spencer and Beezer than it was for Logan and Leah.* There has to be another witch there when he does his thing. I don’t trust him to do something more. I don’t care if you don’t think he will, I don’t trust him. He has shown me that he is nothing more than a guy that will do anything in his power to get what he wants. I will let him do his thing, but he has to watched by someone else. That’s my offer. Take it or I leave with Spencer. Mal: -I listened, and heard the demand in her voice. She wasn’t wrong, though. She didn’t know Logan that well. None of us really did except for Leah. That meant I trusted him, just because she did, but it didn’t mean anything for Tati. The only encounter she’d ever had with him had been him telling her to basically shit or get off the pot. Asking for a second opinion was just common sense. And I knew just who needed to be around. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to be around during the training, and most certainly not Rora. So everything she said was making sense at the moment. Things were falling into place, and if we were careful, they just might turn out the way we wanted- Then we do it your way, Tatiana. No one needs to be around but you and I. I wouldn’t want any of them nearby until we’re certain you can trust yourself. Hell, I’m still nervous about shifting around some of them. Not Rora, because my wolf would die before he let her or the baby be hurt, but other people, yeah. He can have a mind of his own, but he’s usually ok with people he likes. As for another witch… -glancing over at my wife with a soft smile- I think Rora and I know just the person. It shouldn’t be too hard to get her here either. Not if I know her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew what was up before we got to her as a matter of fact. So, if you’re game. So am I. All that’s left to do is get our asses back to the Treehouse and get this show back on the road. -I slid my hands in my pockets with a smile. Things had changed quite a bit since we pulled over at the side of the road. The woman who had been terrified to even be around me was now insistent that I be around to make sure everyone else was safe around her, to work with her to make sure she could control her wolf. I knew I was in for a lot of work with her, but if I could save her even a quarter of the heartache I’d been through with everything then it would be worth every moment of it. I could only hope I was up to the job.- #PretendingIDontFeelMisplaced

[do-no-harm-spencer]

Pretending I Don’t Feel Misplaced (SL with @IWillNotFade @InColdDecember and @EverSoPatiently)

Tati: *Doc had called a million times asking me to stop. Telling me that he was coming to find me. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hide from him, but I couldn’t face Leah or Logan after I had walked away from everyone. I knew they blamed me. They hated me for leaving. For not being willing to help. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to face Malachi. He was just too much. I wasn’t willing to let myself be a pawn like he was.

 They claimed they weren’t going to use me as a weapon. Logan claimed he could play with my shifting. It wasn’t the shifting I was concerned about. It had never been the shifting. It was my temperament as a wolf that terrified me. I knew I was vicious. The only person I could be around when I shifted was Doc. But even that was a touchy subject. I didn’t trust myself around Spencer. I wanted to. I wanted to let him be beside me every step of the way. But this wasn’t easy for me. It hadn’t ever been easy.

 I felt myself shiver as I settled on a down tree branch. No matter what, I kept moving. I knew it was a matter of time until Spencer found a way to find me. But I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I wasn’t sure how he was going to find me. I didn’t know if Leah and Logan were going to be with him, or if he was going to be alone.

 To be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure I trusted Leah and Logan. I didn’t know if the two of them had what was best for me in mind when they tried to get me to be a part of their pack. In fact, I knew they didn’t. They were thinking about what was the best move for the pack. What was the best move to take down the St. Pierre pack. I didn’t hold that against them. But I stood by the fact that they didn’t know what they were asking of me.

 It was a scenario I had let go through my mind a million times. What if I did let Logan manipulate my genes? He claimed that he could give me the power to shift at will. But was I crazy to not trust the magic he was offering? I didn’t trust anyone. It was something that was always in the back of my mind. I was going to be used as a weapon. It was what the other wolves in my father’s pack had wanted. But my father knew it wasn’t fair to me. So he let me go. And issued the warning that if anyone came for me, they were dead. Even if I wasn’t a part of that pack, I was still his daughter. I always would be.

 I could have run back there. Arkansas was only a few miles away. I knew I was sitting close to the border. But I also knew that if I did go there, Spencer was going to find me. But I knew I needed to stop. I needed Spencer in a way I hadn’t ever needed, or wanted, anyone before. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to give him every part of me. But I wasn’t entirely sure how to do it. I didn’t know how to open myself up to him.

 Pulling out my phone, I sent him one message. I didn’t know if it would bring him to me, or drive him away, but I needed something. I needed him to know that I loved him. It was the only way he knew I was giving him something. I wasn’t sure if he was going to accept it, but I needed him to know that I was trying.* There’s a wooded area off of route 167 just before you cross the border into Arkansas.

 Spencer: -I didn’t even have to pick my phone up to know it was Tati texting me. I’d set her tones to something different than everyone else a million years ago. The sound alone told me everything I needed to know. I’d been trying to call her since she ran out that door, but I knew better than to think she was going to answer me. The fact that she was texting me now was more of a surprise than I cared to admit out loud.

 This wasn’t the first time that Tati had run away. She had a habit of avoiding everyone, even me, when things became too much for her to handle, when the time came for her to shift or when she just couldn’t take any more of the world. I’d learned not to take it personally a long time ago, but sometimes it was hard. This time was one of those times.

 The thing was, this time, I was already out looking for her. I hadn’t known where to begin, but Beezer had. He’d scented her at least this far, and judging from her text, we didn’t have much farther to go. I had no clue how she was going to react once we got there a whole hell of a lot faster than we probably should have. All I could do was take a deep breath and let the two weres who’d come with me this far know what the message had said.-

 So, she just messaged me. -glancing over at Beezer and Aurora with a soft exhale before I continued- She’s not far. A grassy area off route 167. Do you know it? Because I do if you don’t.

 -I’d passed it before, without knowing it was the place she would run to. Maybe it was where she always went, maybe it was somewhere else, a random place she’d just picked out of the blue. I had no way of knowing. I could only hope that she wouldn’t freak out when I didn’t show up alone and run again, this time to somewhere we wouldn’t be able to find.

 I grabbed my phone and tapped out a reply- I’ll be there soon. -sending it before I slid my phone back into my pocket, mind churning to try to figure out what to do when we got there. I didn’t know if I should go out and speak to her on my own before I let her know the other two were there or what. I knew she would probably know they were coming before she saw them, that she would smell them on the wind before she scented me if the wind was right. I had no clue what I was doing here. I just needed to find her.-

 Rora:  ^As soon as Doc said she was in the area just off of 167, I knew where she was. It was a place I had visited one time, but I felt myself take in a breath of air. I didn’t like thinking of that time. I couldn’t ignore the look from Mal, though. And I knew I was going to have to explain to him why I knew it. But I also knew that we didn’t need to go barging in like we owned the place. As we pulled off the road, I let my hand rest on Mal’s arm.^ We can’t go to her just yet. Doc needs to talk to her alone. He’ll help in getting her to listen to us.

 ^I knew Mal didn’t like sending Spencer to talk to her alone. He didn’t know what was in these woods. But I knew what was here. It was relatively safe. Derrick was back in New Orleans with Mal’s family. I couldn’t even begin to understand what was going on there. I could imagine it, though. They were doing everything to prepare for battle. I knew Derrick. I knew what a battle meant to him. And if the stories Mal had told me were anything to go by, I knew that he would fit in with the St. Pierre’s.^ She doesn’t know you like I do. She knows the horror stories of your father’s pack, though. She knows you were used as a weapon, Mal. She has never seen you when we’re together. She doesn’t know that you can be the sweetest guy in the world. She doesn’t understand that.

 ^Taking a breath, I brought my leg up and folded it under me. As I turned to face Mal, I was struck by his beauty. I wasn’t sure if he was ever going to acknowledge it, but he was handsome. I had learned to stop telling him, though. All he saw were the scars and injuries. I saw them for what they were, marks of a survivor.^ When you’re alone, you’re a lot to take in. And that’s when you’re not a wolf. You know that as a wolf you’re big and imposing. You could give her a run for her money if you wanted to control her.

 ^Putting a hand up as Mal went to rebuke me, I gave him a look.^ I know you would never do it. I know that you hate what your father made you into. I know that’s why you and Leah are still together after all this time. But Tatiana doesn’t understand that. Logan and Leah might not understand, but she kept herself away from us for a reason. Not only does she not have control as a wolf, she’s in the same space as you. And everything she knows about you makes her scared. So she kept herself at arms length to protect everyone, even herself. You can’t give her another reason to be afraid of you, Malachi. She needs to see what I see. She needs to understand that you’re not the wolf your father or brothers are. She needs to know that you don’t want to use her as a weapon.

 Mal: -I made myself listen as my wife talked, despite my gut instinct being to disagree with her. I knew she was right. It wasn't what she was trying to tell me that I thought was wrong. It was just that I knew Tatiana’s gut reaction to me was the one I'd been fighting all my life not to be. My father had wanted me to be this fighting machine, a tool that he could wield as he and then my older brother saw fit. I wouldn't have used the power I had to control another, not when it was exactly what had been done to me. But I also knew Tatiana had no way of knowing that.

 She didn't know me, not at all, and I'd only ever caught glimpses of her in passing during the few times she'd been at the treehouse. I knew I could be intimidating. I was almost as big as my brother, and I was faster. It gave me the advantage in a fight and it was pretty evident to anyone who knew anything about a fight at first glance. I wasn't a fool. Never mind the scars I'd been left with after years of fighting both on behalf of my family and on my own just for survival after I left. I was strong, but I wasn't invincible.

 I'd been brought along to help find her. Doc was the one she was tied to, and as nervous as letting him go in to find her alone made me, I knew it was a necessary evil. I was still going to be on edge as all this happened though. There was no getting around any of that. If she saw me coming, her first instinct was going to be to run. He was going to have to soften her up for me to be able to get even close enough to her to get a word in. And there were a few words I needed to get in.

 There wasn't anyone here who understood that fear of being used for what you were quite like I did. There was more than a bit of terror in not being in control of yourself during a shift. The ability to recall what had happened when I shifted came and went with the moods of my wolf. If he had business he didn't want me to know about, I wasn't going to remember a moment of it. If he allowed, I would have perfect recognition. I supposed it was his way of protecting me from knowing about how he took care of business. And I supposed it was a mercy, but I was never in control.

 Reaching out to run a hand along Rora’s arm until my fingers found hers and I gave her hand a squeeze, keeping it there even after I could have pulled away- Then Doc goes in first, but I want to talk to her. I need her to know what's real. At least I need to try to tell her. I don't know how much good it will do.

 Spencer: -Beezer and Aurora were talking along the edge of the road, but I paid them little attention. I didn’t know what was passing between the two of them at the moment, perhaps it wasn’t my place to know. I did know them both well enough to know that they were going to try to help as much as they could. I’d tried before to explain a little to Tati about him, but she couldn’t get past the last name. I’d heard of the St. Pierre’s. I’d been in Louisiana for awhile now, and there was no way to be a part of the shifter world here without hearing about them. I had to admit that it gave me pause at first. His name, combined with his size, was enough to frighten anyone. I couldn’t blame her for that.

 But I’d gotten to know him since his arrival, at least on a few occasions. He didn’t remember what happened when he shifted, and he had a tendency to come back from those sessions with a wound or two. I’d forced him to come see me about the worst of them, the ones he couldn’t take care of himself. They healed fast, but they could still get infected, and they had a rough time coming back from something during the full moon when all their energy was focused on the animal within.

 He was a lot like her. He had a hard time controlling his shifting from time to time, but mostly he had a hard time controlling the wolf that came out. It was merciful enough to block him from remembering what it got up to when it was more than the man could handle. In truth, he was a giant, but he was fairly soft spoken and gentle. The man and the wolf were two different, albeit connected things. The scientist in me found him fascinating. He was bred to be a weapon, and he’d overcome all of that breeding and training to be what he had become.

 But I also understood why Tatiana was frightened. If I’d grown up with stories of what the family could get up to, I would be just as terrified. I had the advantage of coming at everything here from an outsider’s perspective.

 I left the two of them behind. I needed to go in first to try to explain to Tati what was going on, why the two of them were here and just pray she didn’t run again. The clearing wasn’t far from the highway, though it was concealed by a stand of trees I needed to make my way around to come out into the open. I had no idea what to expect when i walked into the clearing. She’d all but asked me to come with that text message, so I could only assume she wanted me to find her.

 My eyes darted around the clearing, looking for any sign of her as I called out her name- Tati? -The uncertainly in my voice was clear. She was here somewhere. I knew that much at least.-

 Tati: *I heard Spencer calling out, and I had been right. It hadn’t taken that long for him to come looking for me. It also helped that he knew where I was running to. I just knew that there was a risk with walking over the border into Arkansas. I knew that there was a chance I was going to be looked for. And I wasn’t about to go there. I wasn’t ready to give myself up to any one pack. I didn’t trust any person enough to be with a pack. In truth, Spencer was my pack. He was the only one I cared about.

 Stepping out into the clearing, I took a breath. My senses were heightened, so I could smell that he wasn’t alone. Or rather that he hadn’t been alone. But I knew he needed help in finding me.* I can’t do it, Spencer. I can’t let them do that to me. Am I insane for not being sure about Logan’s magic? Am I stupid for not being willing to see if it works?

 *My nerves were shot. There was no way to explain it. But I needed him to see my side of everything, and that had never been an issue with Spencer. He understood me in a way no one else understood. We had spent so much time talking about everything. He knew my fears and my reactions better than I did.* I understand that this is their family, and they want to do everything in their power to protect it, but am I crazy for wanting to protect myself?

 Spencer: -I could hear the fear in her voice. She was scared, but there was more behind it than that. She wasn’t just scared of Beezer. It was what he represented that terrified Tati. To her, he was everything she was afraid of being. I raked a hand through my hair listening to her as I slowly approached the edge of the clearing she’d appeared from.

 I needed to be closer to her, needed her to be able to look into my eyes so she could see that I meant what I was saying.- Tati, there’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself. I’d be mad if you didn’t. Don’t give up anything without a fight. That’s not who you are. I don’t expect you to just let anyone do anything to you.

 -I was close enough to touch her, though I didn’t. I just let the distance between us close to almost nothing.- I know you know I didn’t come alone. They’re waiting at the car, but I won’t let them come in here if you don’t want them to.

 -I couldn’t resist the urge to reach up and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. I wanted to take care of her for all the fact that she was in truth much stronger than I was.-

 Tati: *I could only press my face against Spencer’s hand as he tucked my hair behind my ear. I wanted to pretend that none of this was dangerous. I wanted to think that none of this had happened. We weren’t running for our lives. I wasn’t putting everyone in jeopardy by running. But I knew I was protecting them when they couldn’t see what I was for themselves. I was more concerned with them than they were. They were only thinking of the temporary. The immediate danger. They didn’t understand long term. They didn’t understand that this was my life.

 But as I relaxed against Spencer, I was hit with the sudden realization that it wasn’t Leah and Logan who had come with him. He had said they were in the car. He never said who it was. And him not telling me who it was should have been the biggest clue that he was hiding something. And I wasn’t going to like what he was going to tell me.* You didn’t, Spencer. Tell me you didn’t come with Beezer. Of all the people, you know I can’t go there. I cannot begin to think about why you thought that was a good idea.

 *I felt myself start to tremble as I thought about Beezer being so close. The man that was the physical representation of my fear. I didn’t know how to act around him. It wasn’t that I was afraid of him, I was afraid of what he was. I was terrified that someone would do that to me. And it was something I ran from. I didn’t want to give anyone the chance to see it.* If you thought him talking to me was going to be the best idea, you’re mistaken. You know I can’t go there. I cannot begin to think about it.

 Rora: ^I had given Doc the benefit of the doubt, but this was getting to be a little much. I could see Mal fidgeting, and I knew I needed to get him out of the car. I needed him to get some fresh air. I needed him to relax. Because the truth was that he was going to lose it. And that was when things were going to get dangerous.

 I wasn’t going to let him go to her, though. As I stepped out of the car, I lifted my hand towards him. It was a beckoning. I wanted him with me, and I knew he wasn’t going to let me go far without him. I wasn’t sure if it was a side effect of me being pregnant, but I wasn’t allowed to be on my own. And it was okay. I knew he was trying to protect me. They both were. But I knew how to protect him, as well.

 With my hand entwined with his, we started towards the clearing where I knew Tatiana was going to be. And I heard what she was saying. And I understood it to a degree. I could see the pain written on my husband’s face though. And that was the thing that Tatiana had never understood. She didn’t get that this wasn’t someone he wanted to be. He didn’t want people to fear him. It was something he hated about himself. My voice was soft as I walked into the clearing. I gave Doc a small smile as I walked forward.^ We didn’t bring Mal along to talk to you. It’s quite the opposite. I was brought along to talk to you. Mal came because he’s my shadow. Especially with this baby. He’s concerned about keeping it safe. He’s worried about keeping me safe. The last thing he wants is for anyone to be used like he’s been used.

 ^Coming to stand in front of Tati, I let out a soft sigh. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy for any of us involved. But I knew it was going to be painful if it all came from Mal. So I felt the words start to tumble from my lips.^ Mal wasn’t always a blackout wolf. It was a side effect of his training. And I am eternally grateful to that wolf of his. He protects my husband when I can’t. When no one else was able to, the wolf has always protected Mal.

 ^Casting a glance over my shoulder, I looked at my husband who was doing everything to not hear what I was saying. He didn’t want to admit any of this to anyone, but I knew the truth. Tatiana needed to hear this. She needed to know that this wasn’t something Mal wanted to do.^ Mal knows what it’s like to be used as a weapon. I understand why you’re terrified of him. But it’s not him that you’re afraid of. I know that, too. I know that you’re afraid of everything Mal was taught to be. But I can tell you that he’s not going to let that happen to you. You can say you’re protecting yourself, but the truth is that you’re protecting everyone else. Let Mal protect you.

 Mal: -Mal… Malachi. That name I hadn’t heard for a long damned time off anyone’s lips but Rora’s. It belonged there. No one had called me that since I was small, when my mother would call me in for dinner or from upstairs to come down for chores and school. Beezer had been the name of choice for the rest of the world. The name my brother’s had given me when Zeke gave me a broken nose as a seven year old.

 I knew Tatiana was terrified of me. I knew most people were. Leah and Rora were the rare exceptions. I couldn’t help how I was perceived by the rest of the world. I was what I was. My father had seen to that. But I was a lot more than that. Tati only saw the part that my father had wanted to project to the rest of the world.

 Rora wasn’t wrong about the wolf. He and I had been bred to be weapons. The blackouts had been trained into me to keep me from objecting or even knowing what was going on when my father was in control. But the wolf had kept them in place when we left. As much as I hated not remembering, at times it was merciful.

 I kept my distance as the two of them spoke, but I couldn’t help but overhear what they were saying. My ears could have picked up their gentle conversation at twice the distance even if I tried not to pay attention to it. They were talking about me. The thought made me uncomfortable enough without hearing exactly what they had to say about me.

 I could feel my chest tighten at the words that came from their mouths. Tati clearly didn’t want me here, and I couldn’t blame her for that. My wife was insistent that here was the very place I needed to be. Tati was afraid of not me, but of becoming me. I couldn’t say that I blamed her, but if she thought Leah was going to use her the way my father had used me, she was mistaken. It wasn’t something she would even do, but if she tried, I’d have refused to allow it. There was no way I was going to let that happen to someone else the way it had happened to me whether I knew them or not.

 I could only step forward, coming close enough to the three of them to make certain I was heard as I spoke- She’s not wrong… She never is really. -shaking my head before I ran a hand roughly over my face, taking a deep breath.- I’d die before I let someone get used the way that I was. I didn’t have anyone to fight for me, and the one person who tried to protect me paid for it with her life. -I took a deep breath, holding back the emotion I could feel welling in my chest, the wolf pacing slightly at the tension that wrought in my frame, though I knew he was going to stay put for now, at least- Protecting everyone else and protecting yourself… Those don’t have to be something you do on your own.

 Tati:*I was a little surprised when Beezer walked up to me. But he still kept his distance. Like he knew all of this was hard on me. The running had been the worst. Leaving Spencer behind was something I never wanted to do. I didn’t like the thought of leaving him. But I knew the truth. He loved his work with Leah. He loved being there for them. He wanted to give them a safe haven. He didn’t want them to have to answer questions. So he played doctor with them. He gave them the reassurances they needed. He was finding a home.

 I wasn’t sure what I was finding. But the truth was I didn’t know what the next step was supposed to be. I could only tell them what had happened in the kitchen of the Treehouse. I needed Beezer and Aurora to know the truth of what had happened.* Have you ever been told you have the choice of doing something? But really the choice has already been made? That’s what Leah and Logan did to me. I didn’t get a choice with them. They told me I didn’t have to fight with them. They told me I could walk away from it. But when I told them that I didn’t want to be a part of the fight, I got bullied. I got told that if I didn’t fight, the fight was going to find me anyway. So, essentially, it didn’t matter if I didn’t want to fight. I was fighting.

 *I felt myself lean against Spencer as the tears started to well in my eyes. I didn’t know how much Mal knew about the discussion with Leah, but he needed to know the truth. I had no idea how they had gotten him to come. I wasn’t sure what lies people had told him.* I have never had control over myself when I shift. And that is okay. I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve figured out how to protect Spencer. That’s all I’ve been able to focus on for the past few years.  

 *I felt the tension in my body as I thought about how many years it had taken before I knew what the hell was going on with me. And in that time to learn how to protect Spencer from when I changed. It was a very long process.* I may have more time to practice, but all of that goes out the window for two weeks every three months. It takes every ounce of control to go somewhere where I won’t hurt people when it’s time to shift. Leah and Logan are now asking me to try to learn everything again. Even with Logan manipulating me into shifting whenever I want, the problem of my temperament remains. Should I risk everyone around me? Are you willing to risk Rora and the baby if I don’t have control when I shift?

 Mal: -I didn’t have the answers that Tati seemed to so desperately want, and the sheer mention of risking Rora and the baby had my wolf straining at the bars that held him in tenuously in place. I could hear the doubt and fear in her voice. I had no way of convincing her that she was going to be able to do this, and I could tell that she had no faith in her or Logan’s ability to make this work.

 She was telling me Leah and Logan had pushed her into this corner, one where she got told to shit or get off the pot before she got slapped across the face that this was going to happen whether she liked it or not. I knew Leah. I knew she wasn’t exactly a bully, but that she was going to do whatever she needed to do to protect the house and the people in it, which included Tati whether she believed it or not.

 I kept my voice soft for the moment, though I couldn’t stop the deep rumble that came with the effort of holding the wolf within me at bay- I thought the same thing the first time I shifted around her, around any of them. The black wolf in me… -shaking my head for the moment as I thought about the things that he’d done- he is ruthless, and I’ve seen the aftermath of the things he’s done. He was trained to be a killing machine. That’s all I was supposed to be good for. I can’t make you any promises except this one. Whenever you shift, he will be there. And I can promise you there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do to protect his family. I know you know me… even if I don’t know you. At least you know me by reputation, and I can’t say I blame you for being scared.

 I can’t tell you all of this is going to turn out alright. I can’t tell you my family isn’t going to come in teeth bared and snarling and take us all down. But I have to fight for what I’ve found. Life isn’t worth living without it. I was born into a family that only wanted me for what I could do for them. I stumbled into one that would do anything for me instead. You can be a part of that too. I know what it’s like to shut the world away, to keep yourself apart to protect others. It’s part of protecting yourself too. I’ve been there.

 I spent a long time on my own before I came here with Leah. She was the first person who took me in and made me part of her life when I had nothing to offer her. She’s ruthless too when it comes to protecting what she loves, but I’ll keep her in check, even if no one else can. She hates this whole alpha thing. I can’t say I blame her. It wasn’t the life either of us wanted exactly. She does the best she can with it.

 -I knew I was babbling. I was a little nervous. And I wasn’t sure I could convince Tatiana of anything, especially when I wasn’t good with words. Reaching out for Rora’s hand, I threaded my fingers between hers and drew her into my side.- I’ll protect my family. And I don’t just mean Rora and the baby… -trying to catch Tatiana’s eyes with my own- The offer to be a part of the family is there if you want to take it, the protection too. I won’t let them push you past what you’re capable of doing, but I think you’re capable of a lot more than you know.

 -I could smell the fear on her, but I could smell the wolf too. I’d scented her in the woods around the Treehouse on occasion, but that occasion was rare. I knew she kept to herself, and I’d let her. I knew that need to be a loner better than most around here. Leah knew it too, though for her it was for an entirely different reason.- Go ahead and slap me if I’m wrong here. I won’t stop you. And I won’t stop you from running if it’s the thing you need to do.

 Rora: ^I could only shake my head at Mal. The truth was that he was intense on a good day. On a bad day, he was downright intimidating. And I wasn’t entirely sure what kind of a day this was for him. It could be a good day when he thought he was being intense. But to Tatiana, it could be a bad day. Taking a breath, I couldn’t stop myself from joining in again. But this time, I turned my attention back to my husband. I could see him with that singular focus. He was defending Leah, and didn’t understand what it was like for outsiders. It was the same thing I had gone through the first time I had met Leah. He was underestimating Tatiana.^ Malachi. Take a breath, and listen to her.

 ^Moving to put myself in my husband’s line of sight, I needed him to see that this was serious. I had to make him realize that his blind trust in Leah didn’t always work for everyone. It hadn’t been a comfort to me, and it wasn’t a comfort to Tatiana.^ You’re making the same assumption that Leah made. You know your wolf because he is a part of you. You know that he was taught to be a killing machine. But the problem that you, Leah, and Logan are all overlooking is that Tatiana knows her wolf as well as you know yours.

 ^I couldn’t help the tinge of disappointment in my tone. Everyone wanted what was best for the Treehouse. They wanted what was best for the people living there. They wanted to get everyone they knew into the fight. But they didn’t want to listen when there was something to take into consideration.^ This isn’t about being like you. This isn’t about her being a weapon. This is about Tatiana being afraid to put everyone around her at risk. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And that’s something she’s afraid of. It’s a valid point, Mal. What if she can’t control herself when she shifts? What if her temperament doesn’t change, and she’s still as vicious as she is now? Should we risk everyone’s life with someone that doesn’t actually want to hurt us?

 Malachi: -I locked eyes with my wife and instantly felt like an asshole. I knew I was being pushy, but I had a hard time turning down the intensity a lot of the time, even when I could sympathize with Tatiana. It would be easy to sit here and beat myself up about it. I was good at that, but it wouldn’t get anything done.

 I had to stop and take a breath, consider everything from someone else’s point of view. It wasn’t just about the what if’s. There was history there, and Tatiana knew it better than any of us, even Doc. I needed to listen to her.- Then I owe her an apology. I have to think that this is all going to work out, because I can’t think about the alternative, Angel. If it gives me tunnel vision, then I have to fight against it. Just keep reminding me.

 -The last thing I wanted was to get so single minded that I let it turn me into my father. He would have used anyone he could to get to the ends he sought after. And while his were always selfish, the fact that mine weren’t didn’t mean that the ends justified the means.

 I moved to be able to look Tatiana in the eye- Listen, I’m sorry. I don’t know what it’s like for you. I can only tell you what it’s like for me. I wouldn’t want to put any of the people here or back at the house in danger, and I wouldn’t want to put you in the position of being responsible for it. It is a valid point. I just can’t help but hope that things will be different. In the end, it’s your call. I promise you that. It’s my fault that you’re in this position to start with, and I couldn’t begin to apologize enough for all of that.

 -I wasn’t sure what else to say. I wasn’t wrong, and I felt like I needed Tatiana’s help, but in the end it was her decision to make, not mine or anyone else’s to make for her- If you want to stay, I’ll help you. I’ll make sure no one else is around when you shift until you’re sure that you’re safe. If you want to run, I’ll make sure you get where you’re going safely. Just tell me what you want to do, and I’ll stand behind that one hundred percent.

 Tati: *I could only nod my head as Beezer apologized. I wasn’t entirely sure what to make of his offer, though. Was this something I wanted to do? Did I truly want to see if I could take control of my wolf? It was a silent need, though. I hated that I needed to protect Doc every time I went to shift. There was still so much going through my head, though.

 There was something about Logan’s magic that I wasn’t sure I trusted. I didn’t like how he could make promises of me shifting. I didn’t trust how sure he was of everything. But maybe it was just Logan himself. The first time we had met, and he basically threatened my life without saying the words. He was great at manipulating those around him to get what he wanted. I knew it wasn’t that way with Leah, but he had tried to do it to me. And I wasn’t sure I was willing to be put under his thumb that way. I let my eyes go between Mal and Spencer’s before I took a breath. Letting my gaze fall on Spence, I shrugged my shoulders.* The only thing I have ever wanted was to be safe for you to be around. I hate leaving you when I shift. I hate that you’re in danger for any amount of time. If you think this is a risk I shouldn’t take, please say the word. I won’t do this if you don’t think this is a good idea.

 Spencer: -I’d been studying Tatiana for a long time, longer than we’d been together. It was how we’d met each other. I had found a few of the answers she was looking for, but I was far from figuring it all out. The truth of the matter was, she had to leave whenever Mars was in retrograde. There was no way I was going to be safe around her until she could control herself, and at the moment, control was far from what she was capable of. I had no way of knowing if any of this would work. My world was steeped in the paranormal, but it was also grounded in the scientific. I’d done the best I could at consolidating both of the realms into one, but there were times when I couldn’t explain or predict things at all. This was one of those times.

 I had two options here, and I was fairly certain Tati would listen to whichever I chose. I could be selfish either way, even when that wasn’t in my nature. I could take her away from all of this and go back to living the fairly quiet life we were leading, even if it meant walking away from the work I’d done here. For her, it was worth it.

 Or I could stay, and chance this with her, just for the ability to be with her all the time, not having to have one or the other of us hide when she  was out of control. Being in control would mean the world to her. It would mean she was in charge even when the wolf was out. It was something she never thought she was going to have. And in the end I thought that was worth a try, even if it didn’t work. -  

 I think it’s worth a shot, Tati. You’ll never know what you’re capable of unless you try, and this is the safest way I can think of attempting it. I’ve seen him shift. If it’s just the two of you, he’ll be safe, and be able to protect anyone else from you if you can’t keep control. Go far enough away and even that won’t be an issue until you’re ready for it to be. It can go slowly, as slowly as you want. I say you set the terms of all of this. Let it be completely in your hands, not anyone else’s call.

 Tati: *I nodded my head at Spencer’s words. He was right. This had to be on my own terms. I couldn’t do this for anyone else. It was something that I needed to do for me. There was no other way I could think of it. Turning my attention back to Beezer, I nodded my head.*

 Spencer is absolutely right. This has to be on my terms. We do this as far away from anyone at the treehouse as possible. And it has to be just you and me. Aurora cannot be here, Leah can’t be here. The only time Logan can be around is to do his thing with my shifting. He can’t be there for the training. I won’t think twice about going after him.

 *I could only bite my lip as I thought about the next part of the request. I wasn’t sure it was something that could be pulled off, but they’d have to figure it out. I couldn’t change my thoughts on Logan right now. Not with what he had said or made me feel. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t want to trust him. And me agreeing to this was more for Spencer and Beezer than it was for Logan and Leah.*

 There has to be another witch there when he does his thing. I don’t trust him to do something more. I don’t care if you don’t think he will, I don’t trust him. He has shown me that he is nothing more than a guy that will do anything in his power to get what he wants. I will let him do his thing, but he has to watched by someone else. That’s my offer. Take it or I leave with Spencer.

 Mal: -I listened, and heard the demand in her voice. She wasn’t wrong, though. She didn’t know Logan that well. None of us really did except for Leah. That meant I trusted him, just because she did, but it didn’t mean anything for Tati. The only encounter she’d ever had with him had been him telling her to basically shit or get off the pot. Asking for a second opinion was just common sense. And I knew just who needed to be around.

 I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to be around during the training, and most certainly not Rora. So everything she said was making sense at the moment. Things were falling into place, and if we were careful, they just might turn out the way we wanted- Then we do it your way, Tatiana. No one needs to be around but you and I. I wouldn’t want any of them nearby until we’re certain you can trust yourself. Hell, I’m still nervous about shifting around some of them. Not Rora, because my wolf would die before he let her or the baby be hurt, but other people, yeah. He can have a mind of his own, but he’s usually ok with people he likes.

 As for another witch… -glancing over at my wife with a soft smile- I think Rora and I know just the person. It shouldn’t be too hard to get her here either. Not if I know her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew what was up before we got to her as a matter of fact. So, if you’re game. So am I. All that’s left to do is get our asses back to the Treehouse and get this show back on the road.

 -I slid my hands in my pockets with a smile. Things had changed quite a bit since we pulled over at the side of the road. The woman who had been terrified to even be around me was now insistent that I be around to make sure everyone else was safe around her, to work with her to make sure she could control her wolf. I knew I was in for a lot of work with her, but if I could save her even a quarter of the heartache I’d been through with everything then it would be worth every moment of it. I could only hope I was up to the job.-

#PretendingIDontFeelMisplaced

[incolddecember-blog]

Pretending I Don't Feel Misplaced (SL with @EverSoPatiently, @DoNoHarm_, and @IWillNotFade)

Tati: *Doc had called a million times asking me to stop. Telling me that he was coming to find me. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hide from him, but I couldn’t face Leah or Logan after I had walked away from everyone. I knew they blamed me. They hated me for leaving. For not being willing to help. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to face Malachi. He was just too much. I wasn’t willing to let myself be a pawn like he was. They claimed they weren’t going to use me as a weapon. Logan claimed he could play with my shifting. It wasn’t the shifting I was concerned about. It had never been the shifting. It was my temperament as a wolf that terrified me. I knew I was vicious. The only person I could be around when I shifted was Doc. But even that was a touchy subject. I didn’t trust myself around Spencer. I wanted to. I wanted to let him be beside me every step of the way. But this wasn’t easy for me. It hadn’t ever been easy. I felt myself shiver as I settled on a down tree branch. No matter what, I kept moving. I knew it was a matter of time until Spencer found a way to find me. But I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I wasn’t sure how he was going to find me. I didn’t know if Leah and Logan were going to be with him, or if he was going to be alone. To be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure I trusted Leah and Logan. I didn’t know if the two of them had what was best for me in mind when they tried to get me to be a part of their pack. In fact, I knew they didn’t. They were thinking about what was the best move for the pack. What was the best move to take down the St. Pierre pack. I didn’t hold that against them. But I stood by the fact that they didn’t know what they were asking of me. It was a scenario I had let go through my mind a million times. What if I did let Logan manipulate my genes? He claimed that he could give me the power to shift at will. But was I crazy to not trust the magic he was offering? I didn’t trust anyone. It was something that was always in the back of my mind. I was going to be used as a weapon. It was what the other wolves in my father’s pack had wanted. But my father knew it wasn’t fair to me. So he let me go. And issued the warning that if anyone came for me, they were dead. Even if I wasn’t a part of that pack, I was still his daughter. I always would be. I could have run back there. Arkansas was only a few miles away. I knew I was sitting close to the border. But I also knew that if I did go there, Spencer was going to find me. But I knew I needed to stop. I needed Spencer in a way I hadn’t ever needed, or wanted, anyone before. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to give him every part of me. But I wasn’t entirely sure how to do it. I didn’t know how to open myself up to him. Pulling out my phone, I sent him one message. I didn’t know if it would bring him to me, or drive him away, but I needed something. I needed him to know that I loved him. It was the only way he knew I was giving him something. I wasn’t sure if he was going to accept it, but I needed him to know that I was trying.* There’s a wooded area off of route 167 just before you cross the border into Arkansas. Spencer: -I didn’t even have to pick my phone up to know it was Tati texting me. I’d set her tones to something different than everyone else a million years ago. The sound alone told me everything I needed to know. I’d been trying to call her since she ran out that door, but I knew better than to think she was going to answer me. The fact that she was texting me now was more of a surprise than I cared to admit out loud. This wasn’t the first time that Tati had run away. She had a habit of avoiding everyone, even me, when things became too much for her to handle, when the time came for her to shift or when she just couldn’t take any more of the world. I’d learned not to take it personally a long time ago, but sometimes it was hard. This time was one of those times. The thing was, this time, I was already out looking for her. I hadn’t known where to begin, but Beezer had. He’d scented her at least this far, and judging from her text, we didn’t have much farther to go. I had no clue how she was going to react once we got there a whole hell of a lot faster than we probably should have. All I could do was take a deep breath and let the two weres who’d come with me this far know what the message had said.- So, she just messaged me. -glancing over at Beezer and Aurora with a soft exhale before I continued- She’s not far. A grassy area off route 167. Do you know it? Because I do if you don’t. -I’d passed it before, without knowing it was the place she would run to. Maybe it was where she always went, maybe it was somewhere else, a random place she’d just picked out of the blue. I had no way of knowing. I could only hope that she wouldn’t freak out when I didn’t show up alone and run again, this time to somewhere we wouldn’t be able to find. I grabbed my phone and tapped out a reply- I’ll be there soon. -sending it before I slid my phone back into my pocket, mind churning to try to figure out what to do when we got there. I didn’t know if I should go out and speak to her on my own before I let her know the other two were there or what. I knew she would probably know they were coming before she saw them, that she would smell them on the wind before she scented me if the wind was right. I had no clue what I was doing here. I just needed to find her.- Rora: ^As soon as Doc said she was in the area just off of 167, I knew where she was. It was a place I had visited one time, but I felt myself take in a breath of air. I didn’t like thinking of that time. I couldn’t ignore the look from Mal, though. And I knew I was going to have to explain to him why I knew it. But I also knew that we didn’t need to go barging in like we owned the place. As we pulled off the road, I let my hand rest on Mal’s arm.^ We can’t go to her just yet. Doc needs to talk to her alone. He’ll help in getting her to listen to us. ^I knew Mal didn’t like sending Spencer to talk to her alone. He didn’t know what was in these woods. But I knew what was here. It was relatively safe. Derrick was back in New Orleans with Mal’s family. I couldn’t even begin to understand what was going on there. I could imagine it, though. They were doing everything to prepare for battle. I knew Derrick. I knew what a battle meant to him. And if the stories Mal had told me were anything to go by, I knew that he would fit in with the St. Pierre’s.^ She doesn’t know you like I do. She knows the horror stories of your father’s pack, though. She knows you were used as a weapon, Mal. She has never seen you when we’re together. She doesn’t know that you can be the sweetest guy in the world. She doesn’t understand that. ^Taking a breath, I brought my leg up and folded it under me. As I turned to face Mal, I was struck by his beauty. I wasn’t sure if he was ever going to acknowledge it, but he was handsome. I had learned to stop telling him, though. All he saw were the scars and injuries. I saw them for what they were, marks of a survivor.^ When you’re alone, you’re a lot to take in. And that’s when you’re not a wolf. You know that as a wolf you’re big and imposing. You could give her a run for her money if you wanted to control her. ^Putting a hand up as Mal went to rebuke me, I gave him a look.^ I know you would never do it. I know that you hate what your father made you into. I know that’s why you and Leah are still together after all this time. But Tatiana doesn’t understand that. Logan and Leah might not understand, but she kept herself away from us for a reason. Not only does she not have control as a wolf, she’s in the same space as you. And everything she knows about you makes her scared. So she kept herself at arms length to protect everyone, even herself. You can’t give her another reason to be afraid of you, Malachi. She needs to see what I see. She needs to understand that you’re not the wolf your father or brothers are. She needs to know that you don’t want to use her as a weapon. Mal: -I made myself listen as my wife talked, despite my gut instinct being to disagree with her. I knew she was right. It wasn't what she was trying to tell me that I thought was wrong. It was just that I knew Tatiana’s gut reaction to me was the one I'd been fighting all my life not to be. My father had wanted me to be this fighting machine, a tool that he could wield as he and then my older brother saw fit. I wouldn't have used the power I had to control another, not when it was exactly what had been done to me. But I also knew Tatiana had no way of knowing that. She didn't know me, not at all, and I'd only ever caught glimpses of her in passing during the few times she'd been at the treehouse. I knew I could be intimidating. I was almost as big as my brother, and I was faster. It gave me the advantage in a fight and it was pretty evident to anyone who knew anything about a fight at first glance. I wasn't a fool. Never mind the scars I'd been left with after years of fighting both on behalf of my family and on my own just for survival after I left. I was strong, but I wasn't invincible. I'd been brought along to help find her. Doc was the one she was tied to, and as nervous as letting him go in to find her alone made me, I knew it was a necessary evil. I was still going to be on edge as all this happened though. There was no getting around any of that. If she saw me coming, her first instinct was going to be to run. He was going to have to soften her up for me to be able to get even close enough to her to get a word in. And there were a few words I needed to get in. There wasn't anyone here who understood that fear of being used for what you were quite like I did. There was more than a bit of terror in not being in control of yourself during a shift. The ability to recall what had happened when I shifted came and went with the moods of my wolf. If he had business he didn't want me to know about, I wasn't going to remember a moment of it. If he allowed, I would have perfect recognition. I supposed it was his way of protecting me from knowing about how he took care of business. And I supposed it was a mercy, but I was never in control. Reaching out to run a hand along Rora’s arm until my fingers found hers and I gave her hand a squeeze, keeping it there even after I could have pulled away- Then Doc goes in first, but I want to talk to her. I need her to know what's real. At least I need to try to tell her. I don't know how much good it will do. Spencer: -Beezer and Aurora were talking along the edge of the road, but I paid them little attention. I didn’t know what was passing between the two of them at the moment, perhaps it wasn’t my place to know. I did know them both well enough to know that they were going to try to help as much as they could. I’d tried before to explain a little to Tati about him, but she couldn’t get past the last name. I’d heard of the St. Pierre’s. I’d been in Louisiana for awhile now, and there was no way to be a part of the shifter world here without hearing about them. I had to admit that it gave me pause at first. His name, combined with his size, was enough to frighten anyone. I couldn’t blame her for that. But I’d gotten to know him since his arrival, at least on a few occasions. He didn’t remember what happened when he shifted, and he had a tendency to come back from those sessions with a wound or two. I’d forced him to come see me about the worst of them, the ones he couldn’t take care of himself. They healed fast, but they could still get infected, and they had a rough time coming back from something during the full moon when all their energy was focused on the animal within. He was a lot like her. He had a hard time controlling his shifting from time to time, but mostly he had a hard time controlling the wolf that came out. It was merciful enough to block him from remembering what it got up to when it was more than the man could handle. In truth, he was a giant, but he was fairly soft spoken and gentle. The man and the wolf were two different, albeit connected things. The scientist in me found him fascinating. He was bred to be a weapon, and he’d overcome all of that breeding and training to be what he had become. But I also understood why Tatiana was frightened. If I’d grown up with stories of what the family could get up to, I would be just as terrified. I had the advantage of coming at everything here from an outsider’s perspective. I left the two of them behind. I needed to go in first to try to explain to Tati what was going on, why the two of them were here and just pray she didn’t run again. The clearing wasn’t far from the highway, though it was concealed by a stand of trees I needed to make my way around to come out into the open. I had no idea what to expect when i walked into the clearing. She’d all but asked me to come with that text message, so I could only assume she wanted me to find her. My eyes darted around the clearing, looking for any sign of her as I called out her name- Tati? -The uncertainly in my voice was clear. She was here somewhere. I knew that much at least.- Tati: *I heard Spencer calling out, and I had been right. It hadn’t taken that long for him to come looking for me. It also helped that he knew where I was running to. I just knew that there was a risk with walking over the border into Arkansas. I knew that there was a chance I was going to be looked for. And I wasn’t about to go there. I wasn’t ready to give myself up to any one pack. I didn’t trust any person enough to be with a pack. In truth, Spencer was my pack. He was the only one I cared about. Stepping out into the clearing, I took a breath. My senses were heightened, so I could smell that he wasn’t alone. Or rather that he hadn’t been alone. But I knew he needed help in finding me.* I can’t do it, Spencer. I can’t let them do that to me. Am I insane for not being sure about Logan’s magic? Am I stupid for not being willing to see if it works? *My nerves were shot. There was no way to explain it. But I needed him to see my side of everything, and that had never been an issue with Spencer. He understood me in a way no one else understood. We had spent so much time talking about everything. He knew my fears and my reactions better than I did.* I understand that this is their family, and they want to do everything in their power to protect it, but am I crazy for wanting to protect myself? Spencer: -I could hear the fear in her voice. She was scared, but there was more behind it than that. She wasn’t just scared of Beezer. It was what he represented that terrified Tati. To her, he was everything she was afraid of being. I raked a hand through my hair listening to her as I slowly approached the edge of the clearing she’d appeared from. I needed to be closer to her, needed her to be able to look into my eyes so she could see that I meant what I was saying.- Tati, there’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself. I’d be mad if you didn’t. Don’t give up anything without a fight. That’s not who you are. I don’t expect you to just let anyone do anything to you. -I was close enough to touch her, though I didn’t. I just let the distance between us close to almost nothing.- I know you know I didn’t come alone. They’re waiting at the car, but I won’t let them come in here if you don’t want them to. -I couldn’t resist the urge to reach up and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. I wanted to take care of her for all the fact that she was in truth much stronger than I was.- Tati: *I could only press my face against Spencer’s hand as he tucked my hair behind my ear. I wanted to pretend that none of this was dangerous. I wanted to think that none of this had happened. We weren’t running for our lives. I wasn’t putting everyone in jeopardy by running. But I knew I was protecting them when they couldn’t see what I was for themselves. I was more concerned with them than they were. They were only thinking of the temporary. The immediate danger. They didn’t understand long term. They didn’t understand that this was my life. But as I relaxed against Spencer, I was hit with the sudden realization that it wasn’t Leah and Logan who had come with him. He had said they were in the car. He never said who it was. And him not telling me who it was should have been the biggest clue that he was hiding something. And I wasn’t going to like what he was going to tell me.* You didn’t, Spencer. Tell me you didn’t come with Beezer. Of all the people, you know I can’t go there. I cannot begin to think about why you thought that was a good idea. *I felt myself start to tremble as I thought about Beezer being so close. The man that was the physical representation of my fear. I didn’t know how to act around him. It wasn’t that I was afraid of him, I was afraid of what he was. I was terrified that someone would do that to me. And it was something I ran from. I didn’t want to give anyone the chance to see it.* If you thought him talking to me was going to be the best idea, you’re mistaken. You know I can’t go there. I cannot begin to think about it. Rora: ^I had given Doc the benefit of the doubt, but this was getting to be a little much. I could see Mal fidgeting, and I knew I needed to get him out of the car. I needed him to get some fresh air. I needed him to relax. Because the truth was that he was going to lose it. And that was when things were going to get dangerous. I wasn’t going to let him go to her, though. As I stepped out of the car, I lifted my hand towards him. It was a beckoning. I wanted him with me, and I knew he wasn’t going to let me go far without him. I wasn’t sure if it was a side effect of me being pregnant, but I wasn’t allowed to be on my own. And it was okay. I knew he was trying to protect me. They both were. But I knew how to protect him, as well. With my hand entwined with his, we started towards the clearing where I knew Tatiana was going to be. And I heard what she was saying. And I understood it to a degree. I could see the pain written on my husband’s face though. And that was the thing that Tatiana had never understood. She didn’t get that this wasn’t someone he wanted to be. He didn’t want people to fear him. It was something he hated about himself. My voice was soft as I walked into the clearing. I gave Doc a small smile as I walked forward.^ We didn’t bring Mal along to talk to you. It’s quite the opposite. I was brought along to talk to you. Mal came because he’s my shadow. Especially with this baby. He’s concerned about keeping it safe. He’s worried about keeping me safe. The last thing he wants is for anyone to be used like he’s been used. ^Coming to stand in front of Tati, I let out a soft sigh. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy for any of us involved. But I knew it was going to be painful if it all came from Mal. So I felt the words start to tumble from my lips.^ Mal wasn’t always a blackout wolf. It was a side effect of his training. And I am eternally grateful to that wolf of his. He protects my husband when I can’t. When no one else was able to, the wolf has always protected Mal. ^Casting a glance over my shoulder, I looked at my husband who was doing everything to not hear what I was saying. He didn’t want to admit any of this to anyone, but I knew the truth. Tatiana needed to hear this. She needed to know that this wasn’t something Mal wanted to do.^ Mal knows what it’s like to be used as a weapon. I understand why you’re terrified of him. But it’s not him that you’re afraid of. I know that, too. I know that you’re afraid of everything Mal was taught to be. But I can tell you that he’s not going to let that happen to you. You can say you’re protecting yourself, but the truth is that you’re protecting everyone else. Let Mal protect you. Mal: -Mal… Malachi. That name I hadn’t heard for a long damned time off anyone’s lips but Rora’s. It belonged there. No one had called me that since I was small, when my mother would call me in for dinner or from upstairs to come down for chores and school. Beezer had been the name of choice for the rest of the world. The name my brother’s had given me when Zeke gave me a broken nose as a seven year old. I knew Tatiana was terrified of me. I knew most people were. Leah and Rora were the rare exceptions. I couldn’t help how I was perceived by the rest of the world. I was what I was. My father had seen to that. But I was a lot more than that. Tati only saw the part that my father had wanted to project to the rest of the world. Rora wasn’t wrong about the wolf. He and I had been bred to be weapons. The blackouts had been trained into me to keep me from objecting or even knowing what was going on when my father was in control. But the wolf had kept them in place when we left. As much as I hated not remembering, at times it was merciful. I kept my distance as the two of them spoke, but I couldn’t help but overhear what they were saying. My ears could have picked up their gentle conversation at twice the distance even if I tried not to pay attention to it. They were talking about me. The thought made me uncomfortable enough without hearing exactly what they had to say about me. I could feel my chest tighten at the words that came from their mouths. Tati clearly didn’t want me here, and I couldn’t blame her for that. My wife was insistent that here was the very place I needed to be. Tati was afraid of not me, but of becoming me. I couldn’t say that I blamed her, but if she thought Leah was going to use her the way my father had used me, she was mistaken. It wasn’t something she would even do, but if she tried, I’d have refused to allow it. There was no way I was going to let that happen to someone else the way it had happened to me whether I knew them or not. I could only step forward, coming close enough to the three of them to make certain I was heard as I spoke- She’s not wrong… She never is really. -shaking my head before I ran a hand roughly over my face, taking a deep breath.- I’d die before I let someone get used the way that I was. I didn’t have anyone to fight for me, and the one person who tried to protect me paid for it with her life. -I took a deep breath, holding back the emotion I could feel welling in my chest, the wolf pacing slightly at the tension that wrought in my frame, though I knew he was going to stay put for now, at least- Protecting everyone else and protecting yourself… Those don’t have to be something you do on your own. Tati:*I was a little surprised when Beezer walked up to me. But he still kept his distance. Like he knew all of this was hard on me. The running had been the worst. Leaving Spencer behind was something I never wanted to do. I didn’t like the thought of leaving him. But I knew the truth. He loved his work with Leah. He loved being there for them. He wanted to give them a safe haven. He didn’t want them to have to answer questions. So he played doctor with them. He gave them the reassurances they needed. He was finding a home. I wasn’t sure what I was finding. But the truth was I didn’t know what the next step was supposed to be. I could only tell them what had happened in the kitchen of the Treehouse. I needed Beezer and Aurora to know the truth of what had happened.* Have you ever been told you have the choice of doing something? But really the choice has already been made? That’s what Leah and Logan did to me. I didn’t get a choice with them. They told me I didn’t have to fight with them. They told me I could walk away from it. But when I told them that I didn’t want to be a part of the fight, I got bullied. I got told that if I didn’t fight, the fight was going to find me anyway. So, essentially, it didn’t matter if I didn’t want to fight. I was fighting. *I felt myself lean against Spencer as the tears started to well in my eyes. I didn’t know how much Mal knew about the discussion with Leah, but he needed to know the truth. I had no idea how they had gotten him to come. I wasn’t sure what lies people had told him.* I have never had control over myself when I shift. And that is okay. I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve figured out how to protect Spencer. That’s all I’ve been able to focus on for the past few years. *I felt the tension in my body as I thought about how many years it had taken before I knew what the hell was going on with me. And in that time to learn how to protect Spencer from when I changed. It was a very long process.* I may have more time to practice, but all of that goes out the window for two weeks every three months. It takes every ounce of control to go somewhere where I won’t hurt people when it’s time to shift. Leah and Logan are now asking me to try to learn everything again. Even with Logan manipulating me into shifting whenever I want, the problem of my temperament remains. Should I risk everyone around me? Are you willing to risk Rora and the baby if I don’t have control when I shift? Mal: -I didn’t have the answers that Tati seemed to so desperately want, and the sheer mention of risking Rora and the baby had my wolf straining at the bars that held him in tenuously in place. I could hear the doubt and fear in her voice. I had no way of convincing her that she was going to be able to do this, and I could tell that she had no faith in her or Logan’s ability to make this work. She was telling me Leah and Logan had pushed her into this corner, one where she got told to shit or get off the pot before she got slapped across the face that this was going to happen whether she liked it or not. I knew Leah. I knew she wasn’t exactly a bully, but that she was going to do whatever she needed to do to protect the house and the people in it, which included Tati whether she believed it or not. I kept my voice soft for the moment, though I couldn’t stop the deep rumble that came with the effort of holding the wolf within me at bay- I thought the same thing the first time I shifted around her, around any of them. The black wolf in me… -shaking my head for the moment as I thought about the things that he’d done- he is ruthless, and I’ve seen the aftermath of the things he’s done. He was trained to be a killing machine. That’s all I was supposed to be good for. I can’t make you any promises except this one. Whenever you shift, he will be there. And I can promise you there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do to protect his family. I know you know me… even if I don’t know you. At least you know me by reputation, and I can’t say I blame you for being scared. I can’t tell you all of this is going to turn out alright. I can’t tell you my family isn’t going to come in teeth bared and snarling and take us all down. But I have to fight for what I’ve found. Life isn’t worth living without it. I was born into a family that only wanted me for what I could do for them. I stumbled into one that would do anything for me instead. You can be a part of that too. I know what it’s like to shut the world away, to keep yourself apart to protect others. It’s part of protecting yourself too. I’ve been there. I spent a long time on my own before I came here with Leah. She was the first person who took me in and made me part of her life when I had nothing to offer her. She’s ruthless too when it comes to protecting what she loves, but I’ll keep her in check, even if no one else can. She hates this whole alpha thing. I can’t say I blame her. It wasn’t the life either of us wanted exactly. She does the best she can with it. -I knew I was babbling. I was a little nervous. And I wasn’t sure I could convince Tatiana of anything, especially when I wasn’t good with words. Reaching out for Rora’s hand, I threaded my fingers between hers and drew her into my side.- I’ll protect my family. And I don’t just mean Rora and the baby… -trying to catch Tatiana’s eyes with my own- The offer to be a part of the family is there if you want to take it, the protection too. I won’t let them push you past what you’re capable of doing, but I think you’re capable of a lot more than you know. -I could smell the fear on her, but I could smell the wolf too. I’d scented her in the woods around the Treehouse on occasion, but that occasion was rare. I knew she kept to herself, and I’d let her. I knew that need to be a loner better than most around here. Leah knew it too, though for her it was for an entirely different reason.- Go ahead and slap me if I’m wrong here. I won’t stop you. And I won’t stop you from running if it’s the thing you need to do. Rora: ^I could only shake my head at Mal. The truth was that he was intense on a good day. On a bad day, he was downright intimidating. And I wasn’t entirely sure what kind of a day this was for him. It could be a good day when he thought he was being intense. But to Tatiana, it could be a bad day. Taking a breath, I couldn’t stop myself from joining in again. But this time, I turned my attention back to my husband. I could see him with that singular focus. He was defending Leah, and didn’t understand what it was like for outsiders. It was the same thing I had gone through the first time I had met Leah. He was underestimating Tatiana.^ Malachi. Take a breath, and listen to her. ^Moving to put myself in my husband’s line of sight, I needed him to see that this was serious. I had to make him realize that his blind trust in Leah didn’t always work for everyone. It hadn’t been a comfort to me, and it wasn’t a comfort to Tatiana.^ You’re making the same assumption that Leah made. You know your wolf because he is a part of you. You know that he was taught to be a killing machine. But the problem that you, Leah, and Logan are all overlooking is that Tatiana knows her wolf as well as you know yours. ^I couldn’t help the tinge of disappointment in my tone. Everyone wanted what was best for the Treehouse. They wanted what was best for the people living there. They wanted to get everyone they knew into the fight. But they didn’t want to listen when there was something to take into consideration.^ This isn’t about being like you. This isn’t about her being a weapon. This is about Tatiana being afraid to put everyone around her at risk. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And that’s something she’s afraid of. It’s a valid point, Mal. What if she can’t control herself when she shifts? What if her temperament doesn’t change, and she’s still as vicious as she is now? Should we risk everyone’s life with someone that doesn’t actually want to hurt us? Malachi: -I locked eyes with my wife and instantly felt like an asshole. I knew I was being pushy, but I had a hard time turning down the intensity a lot of the time, even when I could sympathize with Tatiana. It would be easy to sit here and beat myself up about it. I was good at that, but it wouldn’t get anything done. I had to stop and take a breath, consider everything from someone else’s point of view. It wasn’t just about the what if’s. There was history there, and Tatiana knew it better than any of us, even Doc. I needed to listen to her.- Then I owe her an apology. I have to think that this is all going to work out, because I can’t think about the alternative, Angel. If it gives me tunnel vision, then I have to fight against it. Just keep reminding me. -The last thing I wanted was to get so single minded that I let it turn me into my father. He would have used anyone he could to get to the ends he sought after. And while his were always selfish, the fact that mine weren’t didn’t mean that the ends justified the means. I moved to be able to look Tatiana in the eye- Listen, I’m sorry. I don’t know what it’s like for you. I can only tell you what it’s like for me. I wouldn’t want to put any of the people here or back at the house in danger, and I wouldn’t want to put you in the position of being responsible for it. It is a valid point. I just can’t help but hope that things will be different. In the end, it’s your call. I promise you that. It’s my fault that you’re in this position to start with, and I couldn’t begin to apologize enough for all of that. -I wasn’t sure what else to say. I wasn’t wrong, and I felt like I needed Tatiana’s help, but in the end it was her decision to make, not mine or anyone else’s to make for her- If you want to stay, I’ll help you. I’ll make sure no one else is around when you shift until you’re sure that you’re safe. If you want to run, I’ll make sure you get where you’re going safely. Just tell me what you want to do, and I’ll stand behind that one hundred percent. Tati: *I could only nod my head as Beezer apologized. I wasn’t entirely sure what to make of his offer, though. Was this something I wanted to do? Did I truly want to see if I could take control of my wolf? It was a silent need, though. I hated that I needed to protect Doc every time I went to shift. There was still so much going through my head, though. There was something about Logan’s magic that I wasn’t sure I trusted. I didn’t like how he could make promises of me shifting. I didn’t trust how sure he was of everything. But maybe it was just Logan himself. The first time we had met, and he basically threatened my life without saying the words. He was great at manipulating those around him to get what he wanted. I knew it wasn’t that way with Leah, but he had tried to do it to me. And I wasn’t sure I was willing to be put under his thumb that way. I let my eyes go between Mal and Spencer’s before I took a breath. Letting my gaze fall on Spence, I shrugged my shoulders.* The only thing I have ever wanted was to be safe for you to be around. I hate leaving you when I shift. I hate that you’re in danger for any amount of time. If you think this is a risk I shouldn’t take, please say the word. I won’t do this if you don’t think this is a good idea. Spencer: -I’d been studying Tatiana for a long time, longer than we’d been together. It was how we’d met each other. I had found a few of the answers she was looking for, but I was far from figuring it all out. The truth of the matter was, she had to leave whenever Mars was in retrograde. There was no way I was going to be safe around her until she could control herself, and at the moment, control was far from what she was capable of. I had no way of knowing if any of this would work. My world was steeped in the paranormal, but it was also grounded in the scientific. I’d done the best I could at consolidating both of the realms into one, but there were times when I couldn’t explain or predict things at all. This was one of those times. I had two options here, and I was fairly certain Tati would listen to whichever I chose. I could be selfish either way, even when that wasn’t in my nature. I could take her away from all of this and go back to living the fairly quiet life we were leading, even if it meant walking away from the work I’d done here. For her, it was worth it. Or I could stay, and chance this with her, just for the ability to be with her all the time, not having to have one or the other of us hide when she was out of control. Being in control would mean the world to her. It would mean she was in charge even when the wolf was out. It was something she never thought she was going to have. And in the end I thought that was worth a try, even if it didn’t work. - I think it’s worth a shot, Tati. You’ll never know what you’re capable of unless you try, and this is the safest way I can think of attempting it. I’ve seen him shift. If it’s just the two of you, he’ll be safe, and be able to protect anyone else from you if you can’t keep control. Go far enough away and even that won’t be an issue until you’re ready for it to be. It can go slowly, as slowly as you want. I say you set the terms of all of this. Let it be completely in your hands, not anyone else’s call. Tati: *I nodded my head at Spencer’s words. He was right. This had to be on my own terms. I couldn’t do this for anyone else. It was something that I needed to do for me. There was no other way I could think of it. Turning my attention back to Beezer, I nodded my head.* Spencer is absolutely right. This has to be on my terms. We do this as far away from anyone at the treehouse as possible. And it has to be just you and me. Aurora cannot be here, Leah can’t be here. The only time Logan can be around is to do his thing with my shifting. He can’t be there for the training. I won’t think twice about going after him. *I could only bite my lip as I thought about the next part of the request. I wasn’t sure it was something that could be pulled off, but they’d have to figure it out. I couldn’t change my thoughts on Logan right now. Not with what he had said or made me feel. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t want to trust him. And me agreeing to this was more for Spencer and Beezer than it was for Logan and Leah.* There has to be another witch there when he does his thing. I don’t trust him to do something more. I don’t care if you don’t think he will, I don’t trust him. He has shown me that he is nothing more than a guy that will do anything in his power to get what he wants. I will let him do his thing, but he has to watched by someone else. That’s my offer. Take it or I leave with Spencer. Mal: -I listened, and heard the demand in her voice. She wasn’t wrong, though. She didn’t know Logan that well. None of us really did except for Leah. That meant I trusted him, just because she did, but it didn’t mean anything for Tati. The only encounter she’d ever had with him had been him telling her to basically shit or get off the pot. Asking for a second opinion was just common sense. And I knew just who needed to be around. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to be around during the training, and most certainly not Rora. So everything she said was making sense at the moment. Things were falling into place, and if we were careful, they just might turn out the way we wanted- Then we do it your way, Tatiana. No one needs to be around but you and I. I wouldn’t want any of them nearby until we’re certain you can trust yourself. Hell, I’m still nervous about shifting around some of them. Not Rora, because my wolf would die before he let her or the baby be hurt, but other people, yeah. He can have a mind of his own, but he’s usually ok with people he likes. As for another witch… -glancing over at my wife with a soft smile- I think Rora and I know just the person. It shouldn’t be too hard to get her here either. Not if I know her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew what was up before we got to her as a matter of fact. So, if you’re game. So am I. All that’s left to do is get our asses back to the Treehouse and get this show back on the road. -I slid my hands in my pockets with a smile. Things had changed quite a bit since we pulled over at the side of the road. The woman who had been terrified to even be around me was now insistent that I be around to make sure everyone else was safe around her, to work with her to make sure she could control her wolf. I knew I was in for a lot of work with her, but if I could save her even a quarter of the heartache I’d been through with everything then it would be worth every moment of it. I could only hope I was up to the job.- #PretendingIDontFeelMisplaced