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unofficialkfamtranscripts · 5 years ago

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King Falls AM - Episode 9: Jack in the Box Jesus

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Summary: September 1, 2015 - An alleged sighting of the Lord & Savior at a downtown fast food restaurant has the residents of King Falls ready for deliverance, meanwhile Sammy & Ben try to navigate the flood waters of this revelation.

[podcast intro music]

Mayor Grisham Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are out— this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading, on your tablet, go down to the King Falls library, and check out the real thing! Instead of texting your BFF, go enjoy some pancake puppies at Rose’s! and have a face-to-face chat. This isn’t as bad as it seems— and it could be a blessing in disguise.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy Good morning guys and dolls, you’re listening to King Falls AM—

Ben —That’s 660 on the radio dial.

Sammy And this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls Electrolocaust.

Ben This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career.

Sammy It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you, and everyone out there listening, for the continuing support of the show.

Ben We got another doozy of a show for you tonight, King Falls. During hour two, we’ll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects the shut down has had on business.

Sammy As well as fielding your calls and talking about whatever’s clever this evening.

Ben I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule. Our automated systems, my alarm clock. I’ve went through three the legal pads in two weeks!

Sammy [sympathetic] I know, buddy.

Ben I would literally watch Channel 13 if given the chance.

Sammy Wow. That’s saying a lot.

Ben [softly] I need my life back.

Sammy King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Or— are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold?

Ben I’d listen to boy bands, to have a working smartphone. I’d wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pog collection,[1] if you give me five minutes with my email.

Sammy Look on the bright side, Ben. You’re spending all your free time down at the library, and I haven’t called you out on it!

Ben That’s calling me out on it.

Sammy Eh-Well- and you know it’s nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @kingfallsam. I’m not saying I don’t miss it but, I’m enjoying this a little bit.

Ben ♫It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with yoouu♫[2]

Sammy The references are not gonna bring back your goods.

Ben [hurt] Dammit Sammy, let’s just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system.

[bg music being provided by Chet’s record player]

Sammy You’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia Yeeaah, I wanna talk about the outages.

Sammy Cynthia Higgenbaum, ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis?

Cynthia [blissful] I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt that’s been placed on society. I’m relieved, de-stressed, marvelous!

Ben *chuckling* Whoa, heh, that’s- that’s a heck of a change!

Cynthia [suddenly aggressive] What are you trying to say, Ben?

Sammy It’s just you’re usually- you’ve been a little… pessimistic in the past.

Cynthia [mostly calm again] Ohhh, I still have problems; I’m full up with issues. But right now, I don’t have to worry about what websites my husband is perusing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watching— I’m at peace! It’s just me and my harlequin novels. Plus, with Jesus back and all—

Ben [jokingly suggestive] 50 Shades of Cynthia

Cynthia [angrily] Don’t be filthy Ben Arnold! I Know Your Mother!

Sammy I-I’m sorry, Cynthia— did you just say that Jesus is back?

Cynthia [gossipy tone] Have you guys not heard the news?

Ben Is she talking about Jesus Jesus?

Cynthia There’s only one.

Sammy Wellll, I think Mexico would disagree, but please tell us why you think Jesus—

Cynthia [snappy] I don’t think Sammy, I know! [softer] Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack in the Box.[3]

Ben The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue?

Cynthia Ew, nobody does to Red Oak.

Sammy [softly] Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus.

Cynthia Oh, Hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. You’re gonna get smited—

Sammy Oh, I- I mean- I wasn’t- I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to, uh—

Cynthia Tell it to Satan! In Hell, Sammy! [hangs up forcefully]

[dial tone]

Ben This is big.

Sammy [slightly reluctant] If you or someone you know has had a sighting of *clears throat, Ben laughs* Jack in the Box Jesus please give us a call. Uh, 424-279-3858

Ben You’re on King Falls AM.

Deputy Troy Now I know what you’re thinking: how could the second coming of God’s only son happen and ol’ Troy here didn’t clue you in.

Ben Not what I was thinking.

Sammy What do you know Troy?

Deputy Troy Well I got a suspicious persons call out at ol’ Yack[sic] in the Box around 9. So, I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking on— there he was.

Sammy Now, are you really telling us that— [still reluctant] you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings bangin around outside the Jack In The Box?

Deputy Troy Well, he was a man. Somebody’s son, no doubt. Bearded. Good lookin’, if-if you’re into that sort of thing. He had a robe on—

Ben [cutting in]We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black?

Deputy Troy He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really.

Sammy The man had an aura around him.

Deputy Troy It was shinier than a damn Fukushima foxhound, fellas. Like, I felt a need to put on the old aviators, but I- I didn’t want to be cliché.

Sammy Alright, Troy. So, work with us here; you’re in the back of the Jack in the Box, there’s a uh, a Jesus-type guy—

Deputy Troy Just-a-ramblin’ on.

Ben Speaking in— tongues?

Deputy Troy Speaking in somethin. The last time I heard gibberish like that was comin’ from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snyder’s daughter.

Sammy So what happened next?

Deputy Troy Well a group of looky-loos had descended, as I said, and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I start ta approach this glowing Christ and somebody— Roy Higgins if you gotta know/— hollered out “It’s Jesus!” and the whole parking lot just went bonkers!

Ben Well, di-did you speak to the guy?

Deputy Troy Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz. And he shouldn’t be squawling around like a little baby.

Ben No, Jack in the Box Jesus.

Deputy Troy Oh, well no. I- I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods, I suspect.

Sammy Did you follow him?

Deputy Troy Sammy. So you’re tellin me that you’d follow a 6-foot-tall and glowing perp into the woods??

Sammy [muttered] Point taken.

Ben So any other sightings?

Deputy Troy Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they could’a had a revival in that parkin’ lot. So I’m guessin’ that’s how word spread so quickly. And without internet, too? That’s pretty damn impressive.

Sammy Is there an APB out or anything?

Deputy Troy For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasn’t doin nothin bad. Just acting a fool— Lord forgive me— where he shouldn’t’a been.

Ben And glowing.

Deputy Troy That’s right.

Sammy Well, please let us know if get any more info on this, Troy. We’d appreciate it.

Deputy Troy You bet. I’ll be sure to keep you boys and the listenin’ public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus? Do not approach, bother or pester. You just call up Ol’ Deputy Troy.

[hangs up]

Ben …or your local church. [dial tone]

Sammy Deputy Troy, ladies and gents. Now we’re just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carl’s Candy!

Ben Yeah I don- I don’t think we should play this

Sammy What? Ads pay the bills remember?

Ben Folks, as a workaround with all the tech issues, uh, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors- uh, new and old. Emphasis on Old, after this one.

Sammy Okay, so the audio is bad.

Ben *sucks in breath* You could say that.

Sammy This company’s paid up! They’re scheduled in one of your many notebooks. Let’s do this. We’ll be right back folks.

[slow, creepy xylophone music]

Carl [voice is soft and creepy, like you expect from a guy who offers kids candy from the back of a van] Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carl’s Candy, I’ll fill ya up! I mean in. [whispering] It’ll be our little secret.- A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste. Come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carl’s! Come in and grab a sack of Carl’s Boston baked beans while you’re at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it! *Ben groaning “oh no”* Every child’s welcome at Creepy Carl’s, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. We’re equal opportunity! And just cause they shut down the ol’ brick and mortar doe’n’t mean you can’t buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parents’ permission first, kids. Creepy Carl’s Candy, where the suckers don’t suck themselves. [Police sirens]

Deputy Troy [through megaphone] Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone.

Carl I gotta go! Catch ya later [tires squealing]

Ben [desperate, in bg] The mic!

[sirens fade out]

Sammy … Never again.

Ben I tried to tell you.

Sammy I know. Let’s never speak about this.

Ben [whispering] I need a shower.

Sammy *sigh* …Moving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 o’clock hour, just off Main Street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming of–

Ben [slightly gruff impression] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years!”[4]

Sammy *chuckles* Right, let’s go to the phone lines.

Ben [happily] That was good though right?

Sammy It was good. Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Reverend Hawthorne Ask and ye shall receive! King Falls-uh. It is the gooD Reverend Xavier “Right. With. Gaawwd-uh” Hawthorne.

Ben Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town?

Reverend Hawthorne [speaking over Ben] The One and Only, and we are turnin’ the wagons arounD as we speaK-uh. And we’re headin’ back to my flocK-uh. How’re y’all feelin’ tonighT, King Falls- I said How are you, Feelin’!

Sammy [softly] We’re feeling alright.

Reverend Hawthorne Praise GoD-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, uh-just chirp’n on my shoulder, told me there was a SighTing. A Vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city.

Sammy Yeah, about 9 o’clock here.

Reverend Hawthorne Could it Be-uh! that our 5-week-revival worked. Could it Be-uh! that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen!

Ben Reverend Hawthorne we—

Reverend Hawthorne Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a Mountain of Sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most Highly Favored, Congregation bacK to the promised land. Gimme some organ, Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in bg]

Sammy [aside] Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case?

Ben This is getting good.

Reverend Hawthorne Play it dirty, brother. We are going Home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! … Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the E-ternal Sal-vation; [organ goes silent] [softly] are ya saved?

Sammy I’m—

Reverend Hawthorne Then let me tell y’all, [organ starts again] because if you aren’t-uh, I’m coming back to town. One weekend only, the Xavier “Right with GoD-uh” Hawthorne Experience will be wheelin’ bacK into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get One- On- One with the Risen Christ and start preparin’ for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you TurnT uP With GoD-uh. [click, dial tone]

Sammy Xavier? Hello?

Ben He’s, gone. Sammy.

Sammy Well, you heard it here first folks. Xavier Hawthorn’s Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack in the Box Jesus make his stage debut?

Ben [muttering] Tch- Jesus.

Sammy Literally.

Ben Do you think we could get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or-

Sammy Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what we’ve heard so far, Ben.

Ben Tsk. I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy.

Sammy What a perfect place to make a return: a rinky-dink town with no internet.

Ben Line- [muttered] dammit, there’s only one line. Uh, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Archie Good evenin’ fellas!

[small dogs barking in bg]

Sammy Is thi-

Archie It’s Archie Simmons!

Ben He-ey Archie, how’s Princess Von Barktooth?

Archie Well, I do have news concernin’ the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back.

Sammy About the werewolves?

Archie Correct.

Sammy Wow. I mean, you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf.

Archie And now I’m saying that maybe I was misinformed.

Sammy I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriff’s Office, Archie.

Archie *giggles* You silly Sally, Troy’s on his way over now

Ben Why the change of heart, Archie?

Archie Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, and let’s be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.

Sammy You’re talking about the glowing man at the Jack in the Box?

Archie [softly] Let’s be real here, it’s the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with.

Sammy [dryly] Uh-huh.

Archie Plus, with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this.

Ben You keep saying that, what’s going on with the princess Archie?

Archie She’s in a delicate condition.

Sammy Oh, of course. I mean she’s been through a lot.

Archie *giggles* No Sammy, I mean she’s with child. Ch-children. Puppies? There’s a bun in my $2400 oven boys!

Sammy Wait. She’s pregnant? From the werewolf attack?!

Archie [softly again] Well, that’s the thing. While I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I think…

Ben What. What do you think Archie?

Archie I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on.

Sammy You don’t think it was the werewolves.

Archie I’m thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired, bearded man in a Biblical Act— Yeah I-I- I think- there’s a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs.

Ben [stern] Upstairs from whom?

Archie Mankind! Come on Ben, get with the picture!

Sammy He’s saying that because there’s been a holy sighting tonight- which we should all be a little bit doubtful of- then maybe it wasn’t the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega.

Ben No! NO WA- That’s too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon.

Archie I don’t know what kind of weird things Jesus is into.

Ben No way. This is ludicrous.

Archie You just wait and see Ben! The princess may have lost her Westminster dreams, but it was all part of God’s plan.

Ben We’ve got to go Archie *laughs* you’re crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM.

Archie Judge Not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians[sic] 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troy’s coming around the bend anyways boys, laters!

[click, dial tone]

Sammy You know? When I walk in the door every night I say to myself, “Nothing’s gonna surprise me tonight” And more times than not, I am just Dead Wrong.

Ben Let’s give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy, the record player is just begging to be used.

Sammy *chuckles* Not a bad idea Ben.

[phone pings]

Ben What? *gasps* My phone! [several pings] OHH it’s back baby!

Sammy Me too! What’s going on?

[pinging continues]

Ben What’s up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs.

Sammy Hey, I’ve got a text here, Unknown Number.

Ben Okay, what does it say?

Sammy “I- I know why this happened. I know how to stop it. We need to talk“

Ben What?

Sammy No, that’s what the text said.

Ben You don’t think this has anything to do with… Thank You, Jesus.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] Pogs - Pogs, generically called milk caps, is a game that was popular among children during the early-mid 1990s. The name pog originates from POG, a brand of juice made from passionfruit, orange, and guava; the use of POG bottle caps to play the game preceded the game's commercialization.

[2] “It’s tearin’ up my heart when I’m with you” - Lyrics to the song “Tearin’ Up My Heart” by NSYNC, an American boy band from the mid-90s

[3] Jack in the Box - American fast food chain, primarily along the west coast and southern states.

[4] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years” - lyrics to the song “Mama Said Don’t Knock You Out” by LL COOL J (also came out in the 90s)

#king falls am #king falls #kfam #sammy stevens #ben arnold #kfam transcripts #kfam ep9 #cynthia higgenbaum #mayor grisham #troy krieghauser #archie simmons #jack in the box jesus #reverend hawthorne

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie We Almost Got

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Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie is a cult classic amongst ‘90s pop culture enthusiasts and Power Rangers fans. Even with its fairly standard ‘90s adventure movie plot, wherein the Rangers lose their powers and have to go on a mystical quest to gain new ones, the film still sticks in the mind. Main baddie Ivan Ooze chews all the scenery, there are some impressive fight scenes, and the Rangers save the day by kneeing a monster in the balls. Yes the CG is dated, the story doesn’t hold up to some of the better episodes of the show, and it’s not in continuity with the series but if you want to have a movie night with friends of a certain age, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie is a solid watch.

While many love the film exactly as it is, it didn’t go from script to screen completely unchanged. An early draft of the script we discovered, dated October 15, 1994, written by Arne Olsen and David Kemper (the final film credits Arne Olsen with a story by John Kamps and Arne Olsen) has many changes that if included could have made for a very different viewing experience. The script contains new characters, fleshed out backstories, altered scenes, and makes us question the long-standing belief that the people behind the film didn’t “get” Power Rangers.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of every single change from script to screen. There are hundreds of them throughout but we’re focusing on the biggest changes that add new context to the film.

Fleshed Out Backstories

Even though this film isn’t in continuity with the Power Rangers TV series there’s still a lot here for fans to dig into that offer clues to a much bigger universe happening behind the usual stories we’d get in the show. While the script doesn’t have the opening voiceover, which originally gave much of the backstory for Ivan Ooze, here the characters themselves deliver it.

Zordon tells the team that Ivan Ooze “rid entire cities of their adult populations, then twisted the minds of the kids into following in his evil path.” So Ivan’s luring of children and getting rid of their parents wasn’t just a one-off plan for this film, there was some precedent behind it! He further explains that a rebel faction of young people “known as the Order of Meledan” rallied against Ooze and lured him into a hyperlock chamber that was then buried deep underground.

Some of that was given in the movie’s original intro but it still paints a more detailed picture of Ivan. The Order of Meledan, long whispered about in hardcore Power Rangers fan circles, paints an intriguing picture. Later in the script Dulcea tells the Rangers how she knows Alpha and in doing so reveals more about The Order.

She describes it as an interstellar peace keeping force headed by “the finest commander in all the galaxy… Zordon of Altare.” (Yes, they misspelled Eltar throughout the script as Altare.) Zordon was more than a commander though, Dulcea calls him a “legend” and without him the universe would be “a very different place from what it is today.”

Power Rangers: A Guide to the Multiverse

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This is incredibly significant. Zordon’s backstory in the show was vague. We knew he had a physical form at one point and battled Rita but to get confirmation he was the head of a force of warriors? This is the kind of information fans always suspected before the 2017 film made it a central plot point and the recent Boom Studios comics began to address it. The film isn’t in continuity with the show (or the comics for that matter) but to know at one point Zordon was given more history and was all over the universe saving people, should give Power Rangers fans chills. We can only wonder if this build up of Zordon’s character was only to give added weight to this film or if they were laying the groundwork for further films to explore it.

Dulcea doesn’t directly mention what happened to The Order of Meledan but after “our enemies” were defeated she returned to Phaedos (where she resides in the film) and Zordon and Alpha moved on “to continue the struggle elsewhere.” Did they take The Order with them? Who else was a part of it? Questions we’ll sadly never get the answers to.

The script however does give us more details about “The Great Power.” In the film it’s mostly kept vague, a simple power source that gives the Rangers their suits back and allows Zordon to return from the dead. The script takes more time explaining it (which was likely cut out for pacing and time reasons) where Dulcea explains that it originated in another time and dimension, brought to Phaedos by the now all but extinct “Nathadian” race. They were the ones who built the stone monolith later seen in the climatic “Guardian” fight in the film and stored the power inside to keep it hidden from their enemies.

The Nathadians are continually brought up in the script, with the race actually being the origin of the term Ninjetti. During the team’s training with Dulcea (more on that later) she lays out that, in Nathadian, “nin” stands for “man” and “Jetti” stands for animal. Ninjetti is man and animal, together as one, “the highest state of being.” How does Dulcea know all this? She’s the sole living descendant of the race!

While the film itself gives us precious little about Dulcea and mostly leans on her past connection with Zordon. Here at least we get a bit about her culture and how that ties into the Rangers’ new powers. It makes Dulcea less of a plot device; she gets to be a person.

Perhaps one of the most fun backstory additions in the film is also tied to a changed scene. In the final film Alpha uses the last remaining power in the Command Center to transport the Rangers to Phaedos. In the script however they travel by a spacecraft that belongs to Alpha.

Hidden in the command center is “a Stinger PX-3000 with dual thunder-cams, long held to be the most reliable Interstellar Craft in the Galaxy.” Alpha relates that he arrived on Earth in the craft over four hundred years ago. Kimberly isn’t impressed, suggesting they swing by a car wash because it’s so dirty inside.

It’s a small beat but it’s fun and suggests that Alpha arrived on Earth independently of Zordon. Maybe the two parted ways at one point and he went off to have his own adventures. We know Alpha has karate chopping action, so maybe he’s the hero of a far off galaxy!

(Snoggle, who never made it into the finished film, can be seen all the way to the left.)

New Characters

While reading through the script I noticed that while the structure of it isn’t all that different from the finished film, a lot of sections were cut, likely for time or budgetary reasons. A few side characters didn’t make it to screen, one of which is the long rumored Snoggle. Glimpsed in behind-the-scenes photos and videos for years, Snoggle has held an air of mystery as a huge dropped part of the movie.

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For anyone out there wondering what his point in the movie was, his role in the script isn’t that significant and he’s mostly there to be a sidekick to Dulcea. He’s described as “a helper, an anteater-like creature” who doesn’t speak English. His biggest contribution to the plot is lightly mocking the Rangers as they train with Dulcea.

Far more interesting is the never before seen Queen Tengu. Yes, while in the film the Tengu simply obeyed Ivan Ooze’s commands. here they have a leader. She’s created out of a bolt of energy from Ivan and is described as having a different color than the rest of the Tengu along with “glowing red eyes.” It’s also specified that she speaks with “squawk subtitles.” She gets to play an integral part in a cut fight scene we’ll get to later.

Also, Fred’s mom is in script. She doesn’t do much but hey, she’s there for the lead kid character to worry about!

Changed Scenes

Most scenes in the script have at least a few differences, changed words, small bits of description that didn’t make it into the film, etc. We’re going to focus on the biggest changes, scenes and moments that would have made a significant difference to the film.

Remembering the Cast Changeover

Kimberly’s mini speech about how Zordon has been like a father to them all is in the scene just after Ivan attacks him. Her heart to heart with Tommy also take place not on Phadeos but on Alpha’s old ship as they travel to the planet. The other Rangers join in on the conversation with Aisha’s touching addition, “you know, meeting Zordon… teaming up with all you guys… it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Rocky chimes in with, “it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to ALL of us.”

It’s a great little moment that not only brings the team closer together but also acknowledges the then recent cast changeover that happened in the TV series.

Ninjetti Powers

The biggest changes though begin when the Rangers are given their Ninjetti powers. Instead of just a swirling light the Rangers put their hands in an urn. There they see and take on the shape of their animals, the costumes appearing as Dulcea describes their traits. In a bizarre omission most of the Rangers get flowery descriptions of their animals (“cunning and swift”, “agile and sublime”, etc.) Rocky doesn’t get any! Dulcea just says “Rocky, you are the Mighty Ape” and moves on. Ouch.

Adam’s now legendary line “I’m a frog” isn’t present in the script but a slight variation of it is. He simply says, “a frog” when given his powers. Dulcea at least tries to make it sound cool, calling the frog “the artful jumper.”

Added Stakes

There’s a bigger ticking clock added when the Rangers head to the monolith in the forest. Dulcea relays that once they cross the threshold to the inner sanctum they only have about two minutes to release the power or it’ll self-destruct, “causing a thermonuclear reaction of such magnitude that the entire planet will instantly burst into a billion flaming particles hurtling through space.”

That’s…. a lot. In the film we just had the threat of Zordon losing his life but here the Rangers themselves will bite it if they don’t unlock the power fast enough. If that idea was kept that would mean they couldn’t have a long fight outside the monolith so that’s probably why it was cut.

Tommy Is An Idiot

The scene at the monolith itself of course lasts longer than two minutes worth of screen time, with the Rangers all trying to find a way to unlock the great power. In the absolute funniest moment of the script, Adam suggests they have to break through as “our Ninjetti animals.”

Tommy takes this hilariously literally and the script delightfully describes how he “dives through the air, hits the monolith with a resounding crunch.” Don’t vote for dummy, am I right? For all of Tommy’s status as the most legendary Ranger of all time, in the show itself he’s actually pretty stupid. How he became a doctor I’ll never know.

Bringing Zordon Back to Life

The Rangers do finally unlock their powers thanks to a communication from Zordon just before the monolith explodes. He tells them to keep their spirits up which somehow makes the Rangers realize they have to master the spiritual side of their Ninjetti powers.

The team wins the day but instead of teleporting from Phaedos to the city as they do in the film, they instead go back to the command center. There the scene largely plays it as it did later in the film with the team using their new powers to restore the command center and bring Zordon back to life.

It’s hard to know whether this scene was shot in the film with the intention of it being used after they left Phadeos but was switched around in editing but eagle eyed fans might want to give it a watch again.

With the Rangers bringing him back to life Zordon gives the Rangers new power coins as “a reward for your amazing bravery” which will unlock their new Ninja Zords. No explanation is given for where the Zords came from which… is the most Zordon thing this script could do. He always had an extra Zord fleet just hanging around whenever the Rangers learned a lesson. Maybe the writers of this film understood Power Rangers more than we give them credit for!

The Final Zord Battle

The Megazord fight in the city goes for much longer than it does in the film, the CGI costs most likely preventing some of the wilder events the script describes such as the Megazord getting tossed into Angel Grove First National Bank and the Megazord delivering double punches, drop kicks, roundhouse hooks, and spinback kicks. Would have loved to see that PS1 cutscene Megazord try and pull those off!

Later in the fight Ivan grabs the Zord and takes them to “Westside Bluffs” where he tosses them off a cliff but of course Tommy saves the day by swooping in with the Falcon Zord and attaching himself to the back so they can fly. This is almost immediately undercut as the fight continues underwater. Ivan ends up landing in an active underwater volcano, which was, again, probably deemed too expensive to pull off with the limited CGI resources of the film.

New Powers

One of the most well known cuts from the film is that the Rangers were originally shown without the visors in their helmets. This was done to better convey the actor’s emotions during filming of the action scenes. The idea was thankfully scrapped but it’s prevalent in the script. Alpha tells the team he’s retro-fitted their helmets with new “Omni Scan devices.” We aren’t sure if this is just another power-up or if “Omni Scan” is just a fancy description for “we took the visors out of your helmet so I guess you have a slightly bigger range of vision and your identities are now completely exposed.” The Rangers go visorless again later in the film when they get their powers back.

The Rangers also get new individual powers. Billy has an “Audio Enhancer” that takes the form of an “Auto Phonic Receiver” that pops out of the side of his helmet. Rocky has a Power Tracker that’s basically a scope that snaps into place over his left eye. Presumably this would have been inside the helmet. This is an earlier version of the scanner he ended up using in the finished film.

Power Rangers: The Unproduced Episodes

By Shamus Kelley

Power Rangers: Ranking All 26 Seasons

By Shamus Kelley

Ivan Ooze also gets a few new powers of his own. Instead of the scene when he tricks the Rangers into thinking he’s a security guard and then morphs into his true form, in the script Ivan makes an even showier entry. The Rangers spot a “grotesque horned creature” that springs out of a cave and lands in front of them. It snarls, exposing long dripping fangs. Only then does it shape into Ivan Ooze. He then doesn’t unleash the Oozemen on the team but instead zaps six rats. Previously mentioned in the script, they’re transformed into “six hairy rat-beasts.”

These rats were built for the film but were scrapped for not being high enough quality. However, they did find a use when filming on the movie went over schedule and they had to shoot episodes of the TV series in Australia (these scheduling issues caused several planned episodes to be scrapped and lost to time, which you can read more about here). The rats were deemed good enough for the show and appeared in the “Return of the Green Ranger” mini-series.

Back in the film, Tommy gets to show off a new power when he shoots laser blasts from his eyes. Saba, called the “Saba Saber” here, doesn’t get to save the day as he does in the film. When the rats are incinerated by Tommy’s blast they turn back into the six original small rats.

Even the Megazord gets a cool… old/new power? While in the film the Rangers just whip out a sword, here the script describes the Rangers summoning the “POWER SWORD.” It even drops from the heavens like in the show! This probably wasn’t supposed to be the original Megazord’s power sword… but what if it was? How much of an amazing callback would that have been? Mostly likely though it would have been the same design as in the film, just dropping from the sky like the original Power Sword did.

New Scenes

The biggest sequences cut from the film feature the Rangers training as Ninjetti. While in the film they were given the powers very quickly, here we get several extended training scenes with Dulcea. She trains each of the Rangers individually, walking along a bamboo log on her hands with Kimberly, lifting a giant boulder with Aisha, fighting Billy with a whistling stick blindfolded, and Tommy flying through the air from a rope. Adam and Rocky don’t get any training because I guess this script really has it out for those guys. Throughout all this Snoggle watches and is just a sassy little jerk to them.

These scenes were probably scrapped either for time or the fact that they’d been shot with Mariska Hargitay, who’d replaced Gabrielle Fitzpatrick after she was injured just before filming began. However after months of shooting the producers then decided to reshoot all of the Dulcea scenes which they brought Fitzpatrick back for. We’ve seen behind-the-scenes footage of Hargitay performing these scenes so perhaps they were deemed too expensive to mount again or simply cut even after the reshoots.

In what is perhaps the best idea cut from the script, the Rangers are all struggling to master their Ninjetti powers. Rocky, at least getting one moment of character, lashes out at Dulcea,

“I don’t even know why we came here in the FIRST place! Without our Morphin Powers, we’re just a bunch of TEENAGERS!”

Duclea doesn’t let this stand when she tells the team, “you have been relying on your Morphin Powers for so long that you’ve forgotten how to rely on yourselves.”

Power Rangers Seasons We Never Saw

By Shamus Kelley

Putting aside that the Rangers regularly fight unmorphed, this is actually a really great idea. This could have made a fantastic arc to the film that would justify only having one morphed ground fight at the beginning. The Rangers learning they need to be powerful even without their powers could have been a great test of their characters. By undergoing this training they’d realize the value in not just relying on their morphed abilities. This lesson isn’t really stressed throughout the script but it’s still an absolute gem of an idea I wish had been expanded.

Later during a new action scene that replaces the bone dinosaur fight; the team goes up against the Tengu Queen. This fight takes place near a chasm, with the Tengus blocking the team’s path across a tenuous rope bridge. The Rangers get to show off their new skills and even deliver some groan inducing one-liners such as “pheasant dreams!”

In a move directly ripped from the show, the Rangers can only defeat the Tengu by aiming for their beaks. Z Putties, much? Adam gets his moment to be cool when he defeats the Queen Tengu by leaping toward her, looking her dead in the eyes and quips, “polly wanna cracker?” This is how he defeats her, I kid you not.

This fight is the main action set piece for this part of the film. We don’t get the “Guardian” warrior fight outside the temple. While those designs would be missed it at least keeps the Tengu a bigger threat in the film than simply being blown up by Ivan.

The film ends not with a display of fireworks but with perhaps the cheesiest scene in the entire script. The Rangers are in the command center and Alpha holds up a camera and asks them to say cheese. I’ll just quote the description of the rest because it’s perfection.

The kids share amused looks and all together they LEAP INTO THE AIR, PUMPING THEIR FISTS UP VICTORIOUSLY.

“POWER RANGERS!”

WE FREEZE FRAME.

Okay, the writers of this script DO understand Power Rangers.

Was The Script Better Than What We Got?

With all these changes in mind, would the movie have been better if this draft of the script was left intact? Not really.

In isolation some of these changes are fascinating but taken as a whole the script really isn’t that much better than the movie we ended up getting. Yes some of the little additions of lore are fascinating for Power Rangers fans but they don’t add much to the story. The movie still doesn’t have a character arc for any of the Rangers or the rest of the cast for that matter. It’s a generic 90’s adventure movie with the Power Rangers mixed in.

It also suffers from desperately trying to give all the Rangers something to say in every scene they’re in. While I appreciate the sentiment, this leaves large chunks of the script dedicated to giving each Ranger a line of dialogue whether it’s needed or not. That dialogue is also completely interchangeable. No work has been done to try and distinguish how each of the Rangers talk (you could say the show had this issue too). They’re all just generic heroes, except for the odd smart guy line from Billy or heartfelt declaration from Kimberly.

Without that the movie just moves from set piece to set piece, only wringing emotion out of Zordon’s near death which is undercut by his revival before the Megazord climax. The filmmakers made the right call by placing this scene later on.

But if we’d gotten this script as is it’d still maintain its cult classic status. Power Rangers was an absolute juggernaut at that point in entertainment and that alone would earn it a warm place of nostalgia in fans’ minds. Yeah it’s a sloppy movie but who cares when you can watch (or read it) and get that same feeling you had when you saw it for the first time as a kid.

But for real, why does this script hate Rocky so much?

The post The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie We Almost Got appeared first on Den of Geek.

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njcklenjart · 6 years ago

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The days that follow Paris are a strange middle ground of uncertainty. Newt knows to stay, to keep with his brother, with Tina and Jacob, but not what to do while he waits for the past to fade and his future to take hold.

When not dealing with his creatures, Newt finds himself remaining out of his case. He spends mornings with Nagini, discussing her ailment, and Tina comes in and out of his day like a refreshing breeze. Today he entertains himself watching Jacob take stock of Theseus’s kitchen. Nagini sits at the table by the window, her head pillowed by her arms, and even in the light of the late afternoon, she still appears heavy-hearted.

The Muggle pulls out a bottle from the pantry and raises his eyebrows. “How is this cold?”

Newt cracks a smile. “A simple spell, but the effects are actually fascinating if you think about it.”

The Muggle appraised the bottle, overly captivated by such a little thing. “If everyone used magic, them General Electrics would be out of business.” He nudges Nagini playfully. “You think I can give this wizard kitchen a whirl?”

The maledictus blinks out of her daze and gazes the space with somewhat revere. Theseus hadn’t wasted a galleon on the place, the kitchen large and colored in a clean coat of blue paint that was calming, supporting a pristine oven and sink combination that set Newt’s to shame. “I’ve never been in one so nice.”

“Ever bake in one?”

She shakes her head.

“Well, you’re about to learn Grandma Kowalski’s butterscotch recipe! She used to put it in everything she baked. I’d have cake to last me the week.”

“Cake?”

“You know…please tell me you’ve had cake before?” When she shakes her head again, Jacob looks struck. “That’s it! We’re making it immediately.”

From there, the Muggle is an unstoppable force, hurrying from one end of the kitchen to another, gathering all he needs. After some gently nudging Nagini follows carefully, graceful and strange in the way she moves, peaking over his shoulder when he writes down a general recipe by heart. Yusuf emerges from his room after his third prayer of the day to silently watch the process from the doorframe and Tina sidles up beside Newt, murmuring a soft apology for taking so long from her own recitations.

“Baking makes me feel more like myself,” Jacob says while he easily takes on each task, the contents of the slowly becoming batter. “You know, I learned how to cook in France.”

Yusuf finds that interesting. He takes a looks at the recipe as well. “Did you?”

“A Frenchman named Jacques was the cook where my division was housed. Never seen a man slice up beef that fast.” Jacob keeps talking, filling in the spaces that were previously dominated by unsure silence. And while Newt sometimes doesn’t know what he goes on about, baseball and dentists completely foreign to him, he can appreciate the normalcy this type of conversation brings.

Jacob shows Nagini how to whisk the batter, and comments on how to keep it light, kind and patient at every step. When he’s thrown the platter into the oven and begins explaining how to decorate, Yusuf lets out a small laugh (it’s nice, Newt thinks, and wonders when’s the last time he heard anyone laugh). “You’ve forgotten dinner in your eagerness, my friend.”

Nagini’s stomach makes a soft grumble and she hugs it, blushing. “Maybe a small bite until it’s ready?”

“This place is stocked.” Jacob kisses his fingers like a professional chef. “I’m imagining a feast. What do you guys say?”

“I think we can manage something,” Yusuf says, surprising them all with his compliance. Without any more insisting, he magicks the food to fly from the pantry and begin cleaning themselves, then the knife to get to cutting and peeling. Tina rolls up her sleeves and joins him.

“Looks like you and me are stuck doing it the old-fashioned way, ey doll?” Jacob says cheerfully after he’s fawned over the simple spells. Nagini cracks a small smile. “How about you and me tackle the bread after I finish this up?”

“Newt,” Tina says when he’s left behind, unsure on whether to join and what to do. “Why don’t you help me with the stew?”

It’s a saving grace in disguise as an offer. Jacob waggles his eyebrows at him when he joins her and Newt tries not to think too much into it. He’s made his feelings known and so has she, so best to keep as usual.

Soon the sounds of the kitchen is in full progress and someone tunes the radio in the corner of the room to play a soft melody. Tina tells him of an old recipe she remembers her father used to make, leading him every step; with her own admission, she’s not much of a cook, but Newt’s spent enough time traveling alone that he’s more than capable of shouldering the work where she lags. Working closely, their hands brush often, which causes Tina to tuck her hair behind her ear and Newt to fumble with his wand work, and once or twice the vegetables nearly take a tumble to the floor on their way to the pot. His slip ups aren’t brought up and they manage to replicate the meal well enough.

Yusuf looks to be more in his element, handling multiple dishes at once, each one different than the last, resembling those Newt can vaguely remember from his travels. He and Tina discuss variants and substitutes, and Newt leans against the counter to watch Nagini knead the dough as best she can, risking glances at the pair. The room’s temperature rises and the smells become agonizingly mouth-watering and overwhelming, rich and homey in every sense.

At the strike of the old grandfather clock in the parlor, Theseus arrives back from the Ministry. He pauses in striping off his coat when he spots them, weary and wide-eyed.

“Right on time!” Jacob greets him like a close friend and Newt has a fleeting moment of jealousy before he squashes it down. “Hope you’re feeling up to a potluck!”

“You’ve been busy,” his brother says.

“We made cake.” Nagini playfully claps her hands, creating small clouds of flour.

“Drinks?” Tina offers.

After some searching, they find some firewhisky in the back of a cabinet. Tina nearly upturns the dishes when Jacob tries to take a taste; he’s given some of the Blishen's Fire Cinnamon Flavoured Whisky instead and Newt tries not to be embarrassed at nearly sending his Muggle friend to St. Mungo’s. Nagini prefers butterbeer and Yusuf, surprisingly enough, is easily persuaded for a shot of gigglewater. Theseus hands a glass of brandy to Newt.

The timer goes off sooner than Newt might expect and then everyone’s suddenly going every which direction to get what they need for the last touches. Jacob waves off Tina when she dips a finger in the sauce, makes a half-hearted sigh when Nagini does the same soon after. Newt nearly slips on a spill and knocks over the stack of plates flying out from a cabinet. It’s just a matter of setting everything up after that, and Theseus scrounges around for extra chairs while Tina sets the table with a lazy flick of her wrist.

It’s strange that a group of lost souls can come together and kind some resemblance to normalcy. Theseus looks like he’s still trying to process it all when he’s ushered to a seat, and so is Newt. He can’t remember the last time he and his brother had a meal together; they’d met up in a bar once or twice, but those types of outings usually ended as quickly as they started.

The lights are dimmed until the room is illuminated by the handful of candles set on the table, casting golden hues that shiver and shake, breaking the shadows at every corner. Dinner is set and the spoons are especially eager as they give out servings. One of the loaves is misshapen, but Nagini smiles at it proudly. “You can work at my bakery anytime,” Jacob tells her honestly before digging in.

Pickett peaks out of Newt’s pocket and immediately grabs the attention of the table. He gathers the little bowtruckle in his hands while Nagini takes a small piece of meat from her plate and offers it to him. It’s spit out almost immediately.

Newt chuckles. “Not to your taste, is it?”

Jacob quickly reaches for another dish. “Potato maybe?”

That’s not taken well either, but the Muggle is undeterred, offering more from his own plate; it grows from there, like it’s some sort of game, and they discover that Pickett isn’t opposed to the taste of rice, but won’t touch beef. Nothing of importance to be put in the next edition of his book (if he ever got to it), but he notes it nonetheless. Just like he notes that Nagini enjoys dipping her bread in whatever lines her plate, or Jacob realizes that he was stationed only half a dozen blocks from Yusuf’s family home; that Theseus knows more about Muggles than Newt ever suspected, keeping up with Jacob’s varying terms and phrases, even admitting to playing a few games of poker with a Muggler during the war; that Tina doesn’t care whether or not her food is mixed and digs in eagerly after a quick prayer while Nagini takes time to sample every piece of her meal. It’s the little details that are fascinating in their own way, setting them apart all the while adding a touch of familiarity to the entire situation.

When Picket begins to toss his rejected food, Newt brings out a small piece of wrapper, the the last of the Fudge Flies he’d nicked from the Beasts’ Department. One remains intact while the rest are too melted to even flutter and Pickett finds it far more interesting than anything else offered.

Jacob’s face twists at the sight of the candy. “Ew, gross.”

Theseus sighs. “You never listened when Dad told you to leave them outside.” The words aren’t aggressive in any way and a glance in his direction lets Newt know that he’s not being scolded. He’s given a half-smile instead.

More tuned to pinpoint when he was being spoken about, Pickett blows a raspberry, snatching his desert and hurrying up Newt’s sleeve to eat from the vantage point of his shoulder. Nagini leans in close to watch and Newt’s mouth is already beginning his usual speech about bowtruckles and their attachment issues. Theseus then comments on how this particular bowtruckle can’t handle liquor, much to everyone’s delight and Newt’s embarrassment. Jacob’s laugh drowns out Nagini’s soft giggle until he chokes and Yusuf’s face loses the last of the somberness that’s grown over the past couple of days, as does Theseus’s.

Newt meets Tina’s gaze from across the table, the candlelight reflecting off the dark of her eyes, and it’s like that night in her and Queenie’s apartment in New York so long ago. This time he keeps eye contact and there’s a strange fluttering in his chest, a warm feeling that ushers the gloom of the past away and replaces it with something far more lovely. They share a smile.

Newt thinks that maybe everything will be alright.

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#fantastic beasts #fbtcog #hp #newtina #tina goldstein #newt scamander #jacob kowalski #yusuf kama #nagini #theseus scamander #fantastic beasts: the crimes of grindelwald #crimes of grindelwald #cog #fbcog #tcog #the crimes of grindelwald #otp: salamander eyes #newt x tina #njckle

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everlarkingjoshifer · 7 years ago

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A Different Way CHPT 13

Hello, my lovelies,

I’m here with another late ass chapter of this crazy story. It’s been a busy week for me but I’m trying. LOL

First, I would like to thank @titaniasfics and @javistg for her incredible beta work. (You ladies are awesome!) To @mega-aulover @jobanana7 and my sexy Hubby for being such amazing cheerleaders and finally to @sunsetsrmydreams for her beautiful banner.

To my loyal readers and those who have left such incredibly sweet comments, I just wanted you all to know how incredibly honored I feel and you guys are the very reason I keep writing despite all my doubts and second thinking. Without you, I wouldn’t even be in the position I’m in. So Thank you guys, thank you for your continuous love and support. Know, that I appreciate everything from the bottom of my overly anxious heart!

If you’d like to access any other chapter, you can do so here AO3

As always, don’t forget to read, review, and reblog. Now on to the story...

Katniss awoke to Peeta’s arm slung across her hip. They’d decided to cuddle on the sofa and ended up falling asleep. After an unsuccessful attempt to move, she instead resorted to using her free hand to shake him awake. “Peeta wake up.”

“No, not yet,” he moaned, wrapping his arm around her tighter and breathing in the scent of her hair.

“Peeta, I don’t want the kids to see us like this. We have to get up before they do,” she insisted patting him on the arm.

Blearily, Peeta raised himself from his sleep and rubbed his eyes. “Fine, I’m up.”

“Toothbrushes?” she asked covering her mouth.

Peeta pointed to a general area, “It’s in the closet with the towels.”

Katniss nodded and went to freshen up. She widened her eyes when raccoon-like prints looked back at her and groaned. this was exactly why she hated makeup so much. Turning on the faucet she tried to wipe as much of the mascara as she could. Once she was satisfied with the results she got to brushing her teeth. Hoping Peeta hadn’t noticed the disheveled mess she’d woken up as she walked out of the bathroom and said, “Should I make breakfast?”

“That would be great!” Peeta said brightening up while he folded the comforter.

The kids woke up midway through Katniss making scrambled eggs and bacon.

“So, what is it with Johanna and your sister? Are they lovers or roommates,” Peeta asked with a bite of his eggs.

Katniss choked. “Oh god, no, they’re just roommates. They’re both highly hetero.”

“What’s hetero daddy?” asked Rye, big eyes looking his way.

“It means a man and a woman like each other,” Peeta answered looking at Katniss.

“Oh, so it’s not like aunty Rue, right mommy? She likes a girl,” Willow added.

“That’s right, baby, she’s a lesbian. You get two aunties. Aunty Rue, and Tia Clove,” Katniss replied smiling. She looked over at Peeta. “Rue’s my old college roommate.”

Peeta nodded understanding. Once everyone had their tummies filled, Katniss hung out until Willow begged to go home because she missed her own clothes.

Putting on her coat, she smiled at Peeta and squeezed his hand while Willow gave Rye a quick hug goodbye before walking out of the house.

A couple of weeks passed. Katniss had never felt hornier than when around Peeta Mellark. It was as though she were a teenager all over again. She would often go over to his house while the kids were at school. Sometimes as early as dropping Willow off. Sometimes he would let her in and had what Katniss considered to be the hottest sex she’d ever experienced, and other times work took a priority leaving Katniss to settle her discomfort on her own which frustrated her to no end. Her hand could only do so much as Peeta was more than attentive and knew exactly which buttons to push.

Her work, thank God, never suffered. But when Johanna Skyped her in the middle of her little sessions Katniss grunted with frustration at not being able to finish, cursing herself for not bothering to close the stupid laptop.

“What the hell are you doing, and why are you so sweaty?” Johanna asked rummaging into a chip bag.

“I was busy if you must know,” Katniss answered hoping to avoid any more questions.

Johanna looked unconvinced as she chewed. “Doing what?”

“None of your business,” Katniss clipped.

“Ask her if she was flicking the bean,” yelled Prim off camera.

Katniss gasped and turned crimson.

“Oh my god, you were, weren’t you?” Johanna squealed.

Katniss shook her head. “No, I wasn’t.”

“Liar. I can always tell when you’re lying,” Johanna accused. She turned to call Prim who rushed by. “Your sister was flicking her bean.”

Katniss covered her face. “Oh my god, I hate you both.”

“You were?” asked Prim looking both surprised and a little grossed out.

Katniss swallowed and closed her eyes as she nodded. She could hear both girls squealing gleefully and felt herself blush even more.

“What brought on this new course of events?” asked Prim settling on a chair next to Johanna. Both women looking attentive waiting for an answer.

Katniss sighed knowing there would be no way she could keep her secret from them. They’d eventually wear her down. “I slept with Peeta.” Mortification set in as both her sister and best friend gasped and Johanna yelled a ‘fuck yes’. Katniss could picture them pumping their hands triumphantly.

Rolling her eyes she groaned, “Okay, you can stop now.”

“Hell to the no,” yelled Johanna enthusiastically. “You have so much more to explain. When did this happen and, more to the point, was he good? I betcha he was good.”

“ I really hate you,” Katniss groaned.

Johanna stuck her tongue out. “No, you don’t. You love us.”

Prim made a disgusted face. “Ew, I don’t want to know about my sister’s sex life.”

“Well then, cover your dainty ears. Wouldn’t want to affect your delicate sensibilities,” Johanna advised.

Prim stuck her tongue out.

“Why me?” Katniss whispered knowing her best friend was right.

Johanna gave off a cartoonish cackle, “Why not? You’re super hot and you can be nice when you want to be.”

Katniss gave them the middle finger as she did everything to avoid their gaze. “I’m awesome, okay? And for the record, yes he’s amazing. Come to think of it, I don’t think Gale was ever half as good as Peeta. I think this is the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“Probably the ONLY good sex you’ve ever had. It doesn’t look like Gale would ever be good at any of it,” Johanna tuned in.

Katniss snorted. “How would you know that?”

Prim rolled her eyes. “Puh-lease. He’s so into himself that I suspect he’s selfish. Bet you he was more worried about his pleasure than yours.”

“Not to mention that I think he has a small dick that curves to the left and he has problems with cumming as fast as the flash runs,” Johanna chimed in.

Katniss laughed nervously. “How did you know?”

“She was right?” asked Prim scrunching up her face. “Ew.”

“What can I say, I’m a talented woman,” Johanna looked so proud of herself.

Clearing her throat Katniss continued, “Actually, I’ve been sleeping with him for a couple of weeks now.”

Both Johanna and Prim’s eyes looked like saucers as they gasped and covered their mouths to muffle their squealing. Katniss was beginning to suspect Prim and Johanna were part dolphin, what with the frequency they emitted through the computer. It was both thrilling and annoying at the same time.

“You’re fucking that hot piece of ass and didn’t tell us right away? Oh, now I’m mad,” Johanna murmured and glared once she regained her bearings.

“Yup,” Katniss answered.

Prim looked impressed. “Not bad.”

Rolling her eyes, Katniss told them the whole story of Gale and his insensitive words. Both ladies reacted appropriately, with Johanna promising to crush his nutsack between her hands and Prim, who wasn’t one to use curse words, finally calling him a fuckface.

When she got to the part where Peeta showed her his painting and she discovered her portrait they sighed romantically.

“Don’t be such a stingy hoe and share more details already,” Johanna pouted bouncing on her chair like a spoiled five-year-old.

“What else is there to say, though,” Katniss asked shrugging.

Prim laughed shaking her head. “You could tell us if you guys are dating. Do I get to call him my big brother now?”

“That’s the problem, we haven’t exactly established anything, and he hasn’t taken off his wedding band. I’m afraid I’m falling for a guy who feels he has to keep the memory of his wife alive as some sort of punishment to whatever he feels he’s guilty of,” Katniss said. She hesitated for a second taking a wavering breath. “I’m scared,” she whispered

“Katniss, there’s nothing to be scared of. He’s loved you forever, and I’m pretty sure he’s feeling just as insecure as you. I mean, you have to deal with Lame Gale,” Prim said looking to Johanna for assertion.

Katniss pursed her lips, “But what if he decides that having a relationship could ruin his son?”

“That won’t happen. Rye would’ve already rejected you and he hasn’t,” Johanna put in choosing to resume her chip munching.

Katniss groaned running her hand across her face. “What am I gonna do?”

“Katniss, do you love him, or even like him enough to know that you can love him?” Prim asked.

Katniss thought for a minute. “I’m not sure if what I feel for him is gratitude for helping me so much or love. Maybe it’s a combination of both, or I don’t really know.”

“Well, I suggest you figure that shit out first,” Johanna said with Prim nodding vigorously.

Katniss huffed. “Well, I guess fuck me, huh?”

Johanna wiggled her eyebrows. “More like keep fucking him! He’s delicious looking, you lucky bitch.”

Katniss snorted. “Shut up.”

#ADW chpt 13 #everlark fic #enjoy!#this was such a fun chapter to write!

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kingfallshistoricallibrary-blog · 7 years ago

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Episode Nine - Jack in the Box Jesus

Mayor: Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are out, this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading on your tablet go down to the King Falls library and check out the real thing! And instead of texting your BFF go enjoy some pancake puppies at Rose’s and have a face-to-face chat.This isn’t as bad as it seems and it could be a blessing in disguise. [intro] Sammy: Good morning guys and dolls, you’re listening to King Falls AM Ben: That’s 660 on the radio dial. Sammy: and this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls electrolocaust. Ben: This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career. Sammy: It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you and everyone out there listening for the continuing support of the show. Ben: We got another doozy of a show for you tonight King Falls. During our two we’ll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects that shut down this (?) business. Sammy: MMYAs well as fielding your calls and talking about whatever’s clever this evening. Ben: I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule, our automated systems, my alarm clock. I’ve went through three the legal pads in two weeks! Sammy: I know, buddy. Ben: I would literally watch channel 13 if given the chance. Sammy: Wow. That’s saying a lot. Ben: I need my life back. Sammy: King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Or are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold? Ben: I’d listen to boy bands to have a working smartphone. I’d wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pod collection if you give me five minutes with my email. Sammy: Look on the bright side, Ben. You’re spending all your free time down the library, and I haven’t called you out on it, Ben: That’s calling me out on it. Sammy: Well, and you know it’s nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @ king falls a.m., I’m not saying I don’t miss it but I’m enjoying this a little bit. Ben: It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with you

Sammy: The references are not gonna bring back your goods. Ben: Dammit Sammy, let’s just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system. Sammy: You’re live with Sammy and Ben. Cynthia: Yeah, I wanna talk about the outages. Sammy: Cynthia Higgenbaum ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis? Cynthia: I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt that’s been placed on society. I’m relieved, de-stressed, marvelous. Ben: Whoa, that’s, that’s a heck of a change. Cynthia: What are you trying to say, Ben? Sammy: It’s just usually- you’ve been a little.. pessimistic in the past. Cynthia: Oh, I still have problems; I’m full up with issues. But right now, I don’t have to worry about what websites my husband is pursuing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watching, I’m at peace. It’s just me and my harlequin novels. Plus with Jesus back in all- Ben: 50 shades of Cynthia Cynthia: Don’t be filthy Ben Arnold! I know your mother! Sammy: I’m sorry Cynthia, did you just say that Jesus is back? Cynthia: Have you guys not heard the news? Ben Is she talking about Jesus Jesus? Cynthia: There’s only one. Sammy: Well, I think Mexico would disagree but please tell us why you think Jesus is- Cynthia: I don’t think Sammy I know! Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack In The Box. Ben: The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue? Cynthia: Ew, nobody does to Red Oak. Sammy: Jack In The Box Jesus. Cynthia: Oh, hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. You’re gonna get smited- Sammy: Oh, I mean, I wasn’t- I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to- Cynthia: Tell it to Satan, In hell, Sammy! [hangs up] Ben: Woah, this is big. Sammy: If you or someone you know has had a sighting of Jack In The Box Jesus please give us a call. 424-279-3858 Ben: You’re on King Falls AM. Troy: Now I know what you’re thinking: how could the second coming of God’s only son happen and ol’ Troy here didn’t clue you in. Ben: Not what I was thinking. Sammy: What do you know Troy? Troy: Well I got a suspicious persons call out at ol’ Jack in the Box around 9, So I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking on, there he was. Sammy: Now are you really telling us that you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings banging outside the Jack In The Box? Troy: Well, he was a man, somebody’s son no doubt. Bearded, good looking, if you are into that sort of thing. He had a robe on- Ben: We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black? Troy: He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really. Sammy: The man had an aura around him. Troy: It was shinier than the damn Fukushima foxhound fellas. Like I felt a need to put on the old aviators, but I didn’t want to be cliché. Sammy: Alright, Troy. So, work with us here you’re in the back of the Jack In The Box, there’s a uh, Jesus type guy. Troy: Just-a-ramblin’ on. Ben: Speaking in tongues? Troy: Speaking in something. The last time I heard gibberish like that was comin’ from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snider’s daughter. Sammy: So what happened next? Troy: Well a group of lucky-loos had descended as I said and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I started ta approach this glowing Christ and somebody, Roy Higgens if you gotta know, hollered out ‘it’s Jesus!’ and the whole parking lot just went bonkers! Ben: Well, did you speak to the guy? Troy: Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz, And he shouldn’t be squawking around like a little baby. Ben: No, Jack in the box Jesus. Troy: Oh, well no. I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods I suspect. Sammy: Did you follow him? Troy: Sammy, so you’re telling me that you’d follow a 6 foot tall and glowing perp into the woods? Sammy: Point taken. Ben: So any other sightings? Troy: Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they could have had a revival in that parkin’ lot. So I’m guessin’ that’s how word spread so quickly. And without internet too? That’s pretty damn impressive. Sammy: Is there an APB out or anything? Troy: For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasn’t doin nothin bad, just acting a fool, Lord forgive me, where he shouldn’t have been. Ben: And glowing. Troy: That’s right. Sammy: Well, please let us know if get any more info on this Troy, we’d appreciate it. Troy: You bet, I’ll be sure to keep you boys in the listen and the public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus, do not approach, bother or pester. Just call up ol’ deputy Troy. [hangs up] Ben: ..or your local church. Sammy: Deputy Troy ladies and gents. Now we’re just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carl’s Candy. Ben: Yeah I don- I don’t think we should play this Sammy: What? Ads pay the bills remember? Ben: Folks, as a work around with all the tech issues, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors, new and old. Emphasis on old after this one. Sammy: Ok so the audio is bad. Ben: You could say that. Sammy: This company’s paid up, they’re scheduled in one of your many notebooks let’s do this. We’ll be right back folks. [ad] Carl: Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carl’s Candy, I’ll fill ya up! I mean in, it’ll be our little secret. A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste, come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carl’s! Come in and grab a sack of Carl’s Boston baked beans while you’re at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it. Every child’s welcome at Creepy Carl’s, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. We’re equal opportunity! And just because they shut down the ol’ brick and mortar doesn’t mean you can’t buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parent’s permission first, kids. Creepy Carl’s Candy, where the suckers don’t suck themselves. [Police sirens] Troy: Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone. Carl: I gotta go, catch ya later

??: The mic! [End] Sammy: Never again. Ben: I tried to tell you. Sammy: I know. Let’s never speak about this. Ben: I need a shower. Sammy: Moving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 o’clock hour just off main street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming of– Ben: Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years! Sammy: Right, let’s go to the phone lines. Ben: That was good though right? Sammy: It was good. Good evening, you are live on King Falls AM. Reverend: Ask and you shall receive. King Falls-uh. It is the good Reverend Xavier “Right with God-uh” Hawthorne. Ben: Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town? Reverend: The one and only, and we are turnin’ the wagons around as we speak. And we’re heading back to my flock. How’re y’all feelin’ tonight, King Falls? I said How are you, feelin’! Sammy: We’re feeling alright. REVEREND HAWTHORN Praise God-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, just chirp’n on my shoulder, told me there was a sighting. A vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city. Sammy: Yeah, about 9 o’clock here. Reverend: Could it be-uh, that our 5 week revival worked. Could it be-uh that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen! Ben: Reverend Hawthorne w- Reverend: Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a mountain of sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most highly favored congregation back to the promised land. Have me some organ Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in the background] Sammy: Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case? Ben: This is getting good. Reverend: Play it dirty brother. We are going home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the eternal salvation; are you saved? Sammy: I’m- Reverend: The let me tell y’all, because if you aren’t-uh, I’m coming back to town, one weekend only, the Xavier “Right with God-uh” Hawthorne Experience will be wheelin’ back into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get one-on-one with the Risen Christ and start preparing for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you turnt up with God-uh. [hangs up] Sammy: Xavier? Hello? Ben: He’s, gone. Sammy. Sammy: Well, you heard it here first folks Xavier Hawthorn’s Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack In The Box Jesus make his stage debut? Ben: Jesus. Sammy: Literally. Ben: Do you think we can get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or- Sammy: Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what we’ve heard so far, Ben. Ben: I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy. Sammy: What a perfect place to make a return, a rinky-dink town with no internet. Ben: Line -dammit, there’s only one line. Uh, you’re on with Sammy and Ben. Archie: Good evenin’ fellas! Sammy: Is thi- Archie: It’s Archie Simmons! Ben: Hey Archie, how’s Princess Von Barktooth? Archie: Well, I do have news concerning the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back. Sammy: About the werewolves? Archie: Correct. Sammy: Wow, I mean you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf. Archie: And now I’m saying that maybe I was misinformed. Sammy: I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriff’s Office, Archie. Archie: You silly sally, Troy’s already on his way over now Ben: Why the change of heart Archie? Archie: Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, let’s be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.

Sammy: You’re talking about the glowing man at the Jack In The Box? Archie: Let’s be real here, it’s the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with. Sammy: Uh-huh. Archie: Plus with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this. Ben: You keep saying that, what’s going on with the princess Archie? Archie: She’s in a delicate condition. Sammy: Oh, well of course. I mean she’s been through a lot. Archie: No Sammy, I mean that she is with child. Children. Puppies? There’s a bun in the $2400 oven boys! Sammy: Wait, she’s pregnant? From the werewolf attack? Archie: Well, that’s the thing, while I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I think.. Ben: What, what do you think Archie? Archie: I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on. Sammy: You don’t think it was the werewolves. Archie: I’m thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired bearded man in the biblical act, yeah I think there’s a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs. Ben: Upstairs from whom? Archie: Mankind! Come on Ben get with the preacher. Sammy: He’s saying that because there’s been a holy sighting tonight, which we should all be a little bit doubtful of, then maybe it wasn’t the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega. Ben: No! NO WA- That’s too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon. Archie: I don’t know what kind of weird things Jesus is into. Ben: No way. This is ludicrous. Archie: You just wait and see Ben. Princess may have lost her Westminster dream, all part of God’s plan. Ben: We’ve got to go Archie [laughs] you’re crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM. Archie: Judge not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troy’s coming around the bend anyways boys, laters! [Hangs up] Sammy: You know when I walk in the door every night I say to myself, ‘Nothing’s going to surprise me tonight’ And more times than not, I am just dead wrong. Ben: Let’s give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy the record player is just begging to be used.

Sammy: Not a bad idea Ben. [notification sound] Ben: What? Oh my phone! [many notifications] Oh it’s back baby! Sammy: Me too! What’s going on? Ben: What’s up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs. Sammy: Hey, I’ve got a text here, unknown number. Ben: Ok, what does it say? Sammy: I know why this happened, I know how to stop it, we need to talk Ben: What? Sammy: No, that’s what the text said. Ben: You don’t think this has anything to do with.. Thank you, Jesus. [credit music plays]

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tellywoodtrash · 7 years ago

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ishqbaaz 26.09.17 lb

“shaadi na ho gayi mahabharat ho gaya.”

bloody hell, good someone recognizes. this shit’s been going on for like.................. years.

wow anika, utaaavli much? seedha elvis pose!

waise good to see she’s anxious to get laid as well.

LMAO EVERYONE’S REACTIONS:

omki as usual, is the bestest. i love him so much.

lol yeah sure anika. hella poor coverup job.

ugh these two fuckers. cut out the fucking cute and GIVE ME THARAK.

ok how many things today? ring ceremony, mehendi... matlab, 3 mahino se is bloody shaadi ko kheenche jaa rahe ho and now everything’s going to happen in one fucking day? fuck you ppl.

OMFG ZAAAAAAAAAKIRR KHAN. I LOVEEEEEEEEEE HIMMMMMMMMM. HE’S ONE OF THE FUCKING BEST STAND UP COMEDIANS INDIA HAS.

i’ve seen him live as well (his new haq se single tour), and he was absolute fire. he did the entire two hours without even a pause for water!

some of my favt bits by him (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) it’s a little heavy on indori + delhi hindi slang, but if you’re fluent, you’ll love it.

haaaaye, mere sakht launde ke kya din aa gaye, ke is chutiya show mein usse cameo karna pad raha hai. laanat ho tumpe star plus. laanat.

pls, shivaay would never be friends with zakir. ever. zakir’s whole schtick is based on his middle class-ness and self deprecation about the chutiyaapa of life when middle class and average and not model-esque looking. now anika and zakir being friends, i can see. they really should have had him be HER friend.

ok this shit is hella embarrassing for ZAKIR, so imma fwd.

anika has fucking loooooooost it.

invisible gauri is in charge of sangeet. (get well soon shrenu! i miss your face already, my little button!)

ohhhhhhhh boy, pinky.

her complaints be fully legit though.

wow, even om is trying to shush shivaay.

dadi has fully forgiven pinky. even after suspecting her to do khulaasa of the oh so dangerous raaz and what not. idgi.

anika is freaking out. like why though? they’ve gone through this wedding shit a million times. like... just get it over with, sis.

the real crisis: “main pehnoongi kya??????????”

hubs is here to calm her down.

“AAPKA BREATHING GAYA TEL LENE. DO DIN MEIN SHAADI HAI, PEHENE KE LIYE KAPDE NAHI HAI, BREATHING THODI NA PEHNOONGI!?!?!?”

lolllllllll

khudi ke choice ko beautiful keh raha hai. usse bhi toh dikha. she’s the one who has to wear the damn thing her whole life.

ouffffffff what is this stupid immature billu and bandariya fight????

ok that was a little uncalled for, shivaay.

but i mean.... ok. i woulda done the same. chick was getting OUTTA CONTROL.

aaaaaaand..... every action has an equal and opposite reaction, so....

“breathe shivaay. JUST BREAAAAAAATHE!” lmaooooo

time for some seski romancinggggggg.

uh huh honey. get itttttttttt.

sealed with a kiss!

that ring is too big and so un-anika-like though.

whut. where the fuck did she get a ring from tho????

and how did she conjure that shit up like a fucking magician?

billu looks like he might cry. i’m loving the whole reversal of the proposal trope!

yo man my girl got some maaaaaaaaaaaad moves, and some hella alluring “let’s sex” eyes. billu can’t even handle it. he’s a weepy, gooey mess.

ouff billu why would you ask for one more kiss ON THE HAND? you and your damn hand fetish.

ok my damn heart is bursting from feelz. *weeping* my babies. my beaaaaauuuutiful babies. so happy and peaceful (in the moment. let’s see how long it lasts.)

ocd perfectionist billu is being a pain in the ass for the vendors. ek toh last se bhi last minute order, upar se nakhre hazaar. in the words of zakir, hatt behenchod...

lol shivaaaay has a phobia of the words “thank you” now. he hears it and instant pavlovian response; thinks he’s fucked up and needs to start grovelling.

lmao “(w)ow likhne nahi hote shivaay, wow ko mehsoooos kiya jaata hai!”

uh, you’re hindus. “vows” have been prewritten for you for thousands of years. you really don’t need to khapaaofy your sar over it? awaiiii ke chonchle during last minute wedding.

HE’S WRITTEN HIS VOWS ALREADY. WHAT A NERD.

ew what is this excited to share in front of whole family waali feeling tho? who are these ppl who like to exhibit their most private feelings like this? mera bas chale toh there’d be no one at my wedding other than the groom and myself. i don’t need ppl witnessing this nonsense.

“are you staring at my lips?”

lmaoooooooooo him correcting her from offscreen.

what the fuck even is this rudra scene???? like.... what even is this fastforwarding of their plot???? just yest they were in the guest house almost making out???

LMAO ANIKA ADALAT MEIN OATH LE RAHI HO KYA???

ok the first vow itself is setting her up for failure. girl you know you’re gonna call him baaghad billa before the end of the day even.

dude, just steal his vows.

EEEEEEEEEEEEE SAHILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

lolllll i knewwww it. she’s making sahil steal shivaay’s vows.

WHAT FUCKING CONNECTION RUDRA

GOD BHAVYA WHY THE FUCK IS HE IN THE HOUSE RUINING YOUR BIG DAY

there’s not even dosti between you two. he’s a whiny little pissbaby who’s not even worth befriending. coz he doesn’t get how men and women can be friends.

yup. he’s manhandling her. great.

AND SLUT SHAMING HER. OMFG RUDRAAAAAAAAAAAAA YOU’RE THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING WORST

that’s 3 outta 3 oBros slut shaming their future wives. great job, gulneet! keep it up!!!!

BHAVYA FUCKING HELL GET HIM FUCKING ARRESTED. GOD YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER GIRL; PLEASE, LOVE YOURSELF, MANAV IS SUCH A NICE GUY PLEASE JUST MARRY HIM

lol this tiny munchkin thief.

aaaaaaaaaaaaand shivaay’s here.

LMAO HE KNEW SHE’D TRY TO STEAL THE VOWS

omfg the vows are so damn extra, all tied up in ribbon and shit wtf

ok i know this kinda comedy is laaaaaaame, but I FUCKING LOVE IT. also, it was nice to see shivaay in shark singh oberoi mode after a long long time.

ohhhhhhhhh boy, shivaay gonna fuck her over.

LMAO HIS LETTER TO HER:

“wow anika. sorry, nakalchi bandariya. i cannot believe tumne apne chote bhai ko chori karne ke liye bheja, you cheater. apne vows khud likho, and remember it’s VOWS. with a V.”

sahil sach mein bohut ekta kapoor waale serials dekhne laga hai.

“aapki help ki chakkar mein meriiii integrityyyyyy pe question mark lag gaya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

lmaooooo his dangal waali impression.

“behen ki shaadi hai, bhai ko aur bhi bohut kaam hote hai, CHORI KE ALAAWA!!!!”

lmaooooooooo omg i love sahil so much. petition to have him replace rudra as the youngest oBro, coz honestly i want to strangle rudra with my bare hands rn.

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn omki, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, OH OMKI!!!!! OH OMKI!!!!!!!!!!!!

omki be all angsty at wife telling him to gtfo. good.

god i’m so sad we won’t get angsty rikara romance during shaadi ki rasmein. i was soooo looking fwd to it.

rudra fuck you to fuckkkkkkkkk.

yes, for fucks sake make your utara hua thopdas better coz SO HELP ME GOD I WON’T LET YOU FUCKERS AND YOUR INSENSITIVITY RUIN THE BIG DAY OF THE ONE OBRO WHO ISN’T COMPLETELY ABOMINABLE RIGHT NOW.

this weird angst is soooooooo killing my buzz. could you assholes just gtfo???? i really don’t care about your issues that you’ve brought upon yourself.

holy shit shivKara look so damn hot in black. i wanna spread them on toast and just nommmmmmmm.

can’t even look at rudra with how much i hate him today.

pinky looks nice. unhappy af, but nice.

.... why are shakti and tej so awkwardly seated?

ok, anika’s outfit... isn’t BAD... but isn’t GREAT either. but my girl so pretty, she looks fire anyway.

i’m really missing more of a younger female presence in this episode, like gauri and bhavya and sumo.

(lol prinku who???? noone gives a shit. gauri has fully replaced prinku as the baby sister of choice. “sabse choti!!!!!!!!” shivaay yelled yesterday. like literally no one gives one flying fuck about stupid prinku who only added nothing but misery to their lives, as opposed to gauri who adds magic and happiness and sunshine and glitter.)

heart eyes motherfucker. “wow” is right.

i have the same question as shivaay: tote ki yaadaasht achchi hoti hai????

she’s gonna fly by the seat of her lehenga and fuck you upppppp billu.

waise, why are the vows being read on the mehendi day, instead of the shaadi????

is baar mehendi mein kaunsa corrosive liquid hoga?

aaaaand pinky’s going awff.

shivaay’s wielding phone of tadi. and is fucking up whoever’s on the other end.

“sab kuch pefect chahiye toh khud karna chahiyeee” bada dialogue maar raha tha. why didn’t you go out and get the mehendi yourself then????

bike pe kaunnnnn hai? is it that new dude?

lmao mehendi ka wait being made so overdramatic. sit your ass down and wait, loser.

is new dude bringing the mehendi?????

THIS FUCKER JUST RODE THE BIKE RIGHT INTO THEIR LIVING ROOM. LIKE.... HE HAS TO BE AN OBEROI FOR SURE. SUCH EXTRA CAN ONLY BE IN THEIR GENES.

what the fuck were security even doing when someone RODE A BIKE INTO THE HOUSE??????

digging his leather jacket/skinny tie combo though.

whoever he is, he cute af. can we replace rudra with HIM?

“you’re the most beautiful, kind, wonderfully weird girl i know... tumhare saath bitaaya hua har lamha is like an adventure, and i just wanna be with you forever.”

well damn. those ARE some perfect vows.

#ishqbaaz #ishqbaaaz #ib episode liveblogs #episode liveblogs #260917 ib lb

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theartofbeinganerd · 8 years ago

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I was going to answer my next prompt tonight, but my day was busier than I’d expected, so instead I switched things around, and decided to post Chapter Four of a hand to hold (take me home)!

(Ao3)

“So, what do you think of Agent May?” Daisy asked curiously the next night, peering at Fitz over the rim of her styrofoam coffee cup.

Fitz made a face, thinking back to earlier that day, when Coulson had introduced them to the special agent he’d called in to help them sort through the details of their serial killer case. She hadn’t spoken a word, only crossed her arms over her chest and nodded, sharp eyes studying them all carefully. “I think she’s terrifying,” he answered plainly.

Daisy nodded rapidly, her eyes growing wide. “Right?! I was afraid she was about to start yanking us into the interrogation room one at a time. She looked at me for two seconds and I nearly confessed to that pack of gum I stole from the drugstore when I was seven!”

“Well, at least she’s on our side,” Fitz pointed out with a chuckle. “And, she’ll hopefully be able to shake something loose that we couldn’t.”

“Yeah, if we ever find a suspect, or a witness, or even a clue.” Daisy sighed unhappily at the reminder that they had nothing to go on, tapping her fingers against the lid of her cup. “I asked Jemma about Sarah yesterday.”

Surprised, Fitz briefly glanced away from the road to study Daisy’s grim frown. “No change?” he guessed.

“Yeah. I mean, she’s hanging in there, but Jemma said that the more time that passes without a change, the less likely it is that she’ll wake up.” She went quiet for a moment, then murmured, “But what kind of life would she be waking up to? With her whole family gone…”

Even if Fitz couldn’t tell by the pained, faraway tone of her voice, he’d have been able to tell what was currently on her mind. “Hey, don’t forget that family doesn’t just come from blood. Yeah, it’ll hurt for a long time, possibly forever, but Sarah will find other people to care about and love her and hopefully it’ll ease the pain a bit.”

When he chanced a glance, he caught sight of Daisy’s little smile in the dim light of the passing streetlamps. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right, Fitz.”

Trying to ease the somber mood into something more upbeat, he teased, “I’m sorry, what did you just say? Did you say that I was right? Have you finally admitted that I’m right and you, Daisy Johnson, are wrong?”

She let out a laugh, lightly punching his shoulder. “Not on your life, Leopold Fitz!”

“Ah, well, it was worth a shot.”

The only sound then was their chuckles filling their squad car, but it was soon joined by the static of the radio coming to life. “390 at 230 Main Street,” the dispatcher announced, but Fitz thought she sounded almost…exasperated?

Exchanging a glance with Daisy, Fitz pulled over to turn around as she reached for the receiver. “Unit 616, we copy.”

Turning on the lights but leaving the siren off for now, Fitz took off for the address, and it wasn’t long before they were pulling up in front of a popular bar, often frequented by college kids and young adults getting off of work. “I hope it’s not another frat boy mouthing off,” he grumbled as he climbed out of the car. “You try to arrest one, then the rest of the whole damn fraternity descends on you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Daisy said airily as she followed him onto the sidewalk and toward the front door of the bar. “They loved me.”

Fitz shot a look at her over his shoulder, rolling his eyes exaggeratedly. He pushed open the door, leading the way inside, and it didn’t take more than a moment for him to see the problem. “Oh come on.”

Sitting at the bar, waving a half-empty bottle of beer and ranting about women at the top of his lungs was none other than Lance Hunter, Bobbi’s ex and a reformed small-time criminal.

“I used t’ think there were some good ones, y’know?” Hunter was babbling, “But then I realized they’re all bloody hellbeasts hiding beneath those beautiful faces. Y’can’t trust any of ‘em! None!”

Sighing, Fitz walked up to Hunter, planting his hands on his hips. “You about done?”

Hunter swiveled around on his bar stool to face Fitz, nearly landing himself on the floor in the process – if he hadn’t caught himself on Fitz’s shoulder. “Fitz! My man! Mate, how you been? What’re you doing here? Aren’t you working?” He squinted, tilting his head to the side as he studied Fitz’s uniform. “Do you always dress like that then?”

“Come on, Hunter,” Daisy said, stepping up beside Fitz and gesturing toward the door. “We’ll give you a ride home.”

“But I’m not done yet,” Hunter insisted, gesturing with his bottle.

Fitz arched an eyebrow at that. “Do you want us to call Bobbi, then? I’m sure she wouldn’t mind coming down here to drag your ass to jail so you can sleep it off.”

“It’d probably make her night,” Daisy added, lifting her eyebrows as she chuckled.

Hunter made a face, scoffing. “Yeah, right, like I’m gonna do anything to make tha’ bloody terror happy.” Using Fitz’s shoulder for support, he climbed down from his stool (almost causing both of them to go stumbling, if Daisy hadn’t caught his arm). To the scattering of small groups of twenty-somethings in the bar, Hunter saluted and called, “Goodnight, my good men!”

Rolling his eyes, Fitz wrapped an arm around Hunter’s waist, supporting his weight with a grunt as he led him out the door of the bar and into the back of their squad car. “Comfortable?” Fitz asked dryly as Hunter flopped back onto the seat.

“Fantastic, mate,” Hunter mumbled, holding up a wobbly thumb’s up.

Slamming the door shut behind him, Fitz turned to Daisy, who was standing aside with her arms folded across her chest. “How did we get stuck taking out the trash?” she grumbled.

“He’s not that bad,” Fitz defended weakly, and when she shot him a look, he tacked on, “when he’s sober.” She nodded grudgingly at that, but suddenly something occurred to Fitz. “Hey, doesn’t Hunter still have some contacts?”

Daisy straightened, dropping her arms to her sides. “Fitz! Oh my god, that’s right. Remember, it was his information that busted that drug dealer a couple of months ago?”

“I can’t imagine that Bobbi wouldn’t have already thought to ask him, but it can’t hurt.”

Scoffing, Daisy went to open her door and climb in. “Are you kidding me? She wouldn’t get within thirty feet of him, let alone close enough to question him.”

Thinking to himself that Daisy was probably right, Fitz walked around the front of the car to get in on his side, and as he started the engine and took off in the direction of Hunter’s flat, she called into the back, “Hey Hunter?”

“What is it, love? I’m trying to sleep,” Hunter replied impatiently.

Daisy hissed out a frustrated breath. “Have you heard anything on the street about the recent string of murders?”

Hunter was quiet for a lengthy moment, and Fitz darted a glance in the rearview mirror to see if he’d passed out, but eventually he hummed contemplatively. “Been hearing ‘bout those on the news. Terribly sad, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” she answered, the irritation clear in her tone, “But what have you heard, Hunter? Have people been talking?”

“Well…haven’t been spending much time with the boys lately. Most of ‘em are locked up, you know. And after marrying a cop – even if you got divorced five bloody months later – they don’t really trust you much anymore, funnily enough. But…”

“Yes?” Fitz prompted, gripping the wheel a bit more tightly as he waited for the rest of Hunter’s sentence.

“I heard somethin’…strange. Now, mind you, I wasn’t in the conversation, just overhearing as you do, but they were having a good laugh, talkin’ bout how the case would never be solved if the cops couldn’t look inside themselves – whatever that bloody means. They were rather smashed, y’know, so I’d take it with a grain of sugar.”

“Salt,” Fitz corrected absently, focused mostly on trying to figure out what the hell ‘looking inside themselves’ was supposed to mean.

“Yeah yeah, can I get some bloody shut-eye now?”

“Sure, whatever,” Daisy replied, even though there were already quite close to his flat. “Fitz? What…?”

He shook his head, releasing a heavy sigh. “I don’t even have the first clue.”

The next night, Fitz was late arriving to dinner with Daisy, Trip, and Jemma, and by the time he showed up at the restaurant, they already had drinks sitting in front of them and were chatting idly. “Sorry,” he apologized as he slid into the booth next to Jemma (and made sure to keep a respectful distance, of course). “I stopped by the station to talk to Coulson about Hunter’s information.”

“If you can call it that,” Daisy muttered, rolling her eyes and resting her chin dejectedly on her hand. “The guy was three sheets to the wind.”

“Well, turns out Coulson had him dragged in today so May could interview him.” Daisy’s eyebrows rose in interest, and she leaned closer across the table. “He couldn’t give anything more, but he’s positive of what he heard – and he was reasonably sober.”

“Whoa.” Daisy dropped back against the leather booth. Then, a little grin tugged at her lips as she asked, “Was Bobbi there?”

Fitz grimaced, dragging a tired hand over his face as he nodded. “Oh yeah. Haven’t heard that much yelling and cursing since I left Glasgow.”

Daisy winced sympathetically. “So, not good, then?”

“No.” He frowned, then added slowly, “Though…she did offer to bring him home, so they’ve either killed each other by now, or…the other thing.”

“Ew.” She sighed sadly, shaking her head. “Oh Bobbi.”

“I’m sorry,” Jemma started suddenly, “But I admit I’m terribly curious – who are you talking about?”

Fitz turned to face Jemma, whose lips were quirked in a small, bewildered smile. “Oh, Bobbi’s our friend – she works at the precinct with us. Hunter’s her ex-husband, whom she met while arresting him for petty theft years ago.”

Startled, Jemma arched her eyebrows, leaning back a bit in clear surprise. “Are you serious? I thought that only happened in fiction.”

“Yeah, well, Bobbi’s always been more of a jumping in feet-first kinda person,” Daisy explained, shrugging as she took a sip of her soda.

“Bet she reevaluated her life choices after that mistake,” Trip commented with a chuckle.

Daisy scoffed, shoving his shoulder teasingly. “Oh come on, you know she did.” To Jemma, she explained, “Bobbi now has a ‘one-day’ policy, where she won’t make big life decisions without giving herself a day to think about it first and talk herself out of anything crazy. Though, apparently, she’s thrown that out the window.” Abruptly, she changed the subject to ask, “Hey, speaking of feet-first, how do you feel about the beach?”

“Uh…what?” Fitz asked in confusion. He was usually able to keep up with Daisy’s rapidly-changing trains of thought, but this one even had him lost.

“How do you feel about the beach?” Daisy repeated, then when he continued to stare blankly at her, she explained, “I’ve been thinking about getting away from the station and the case for awhile, maybe taking a day trip to the beach now that the weather’s getting nice.”

Trip grinned, draping his arm over her shoulders. “Sounds like a good idea to me, girl. I could use some sun and sand, and a few less troubles.”

“I do enjoy the beach,” Jemma answered, with a little sigh. “But I burn terribly.”

“Yeah, well, so does Fitz, so we’ll make sure to stock up on a ton of sunscreen – SPF 1000 or whatever it is you Brits need,” Daisy was quick to assure her. “Come on, it’ll be so fun and we’ve all been totally lacking in fun lately.”

When Jemma finally caved and smiled, Daisy then turned her pout on Fitz, who had yet to say anything, but it wasn’t long before he sighed heavily and sagged against the back of the booth. “Fine. But if I come home looking like a lobster and get made fun of – by you or anyone else – I’ll be looking to you to blame, Daisy.”

“Done!” Excitedly, Daisy clasped her hands together and bounced up and down a bit in her seat. “Then it’s settled; this weekend, beach life here we come!”

After Daisy had extracted agreements to the beach trip from each of them, they then spent the rest of dinner figuring out the details, and by the time they were leaving the restaurant, they had it all planned out. Fitz was even feeling cautiously optimistic about it; he’d never been the biggest fan of beaches, but Daisy had been right in saying that they needed to get away from the case, even if it was just for a short time. It’d been weighing far too heavily on all of them for too long now.

“What’s going on?” Trip asked suddenly as he pushed open the glass front door and stepped out onto the sidewalk.

“What do you…” Fitz trailed off as he joined Trip outside, and immediately caught sight of a crowd gathering not far down the block; the buzz of their collective whispers could be heard even from this distance.

After exchanging the briefest of glances with Daisy, he hurried toward the crowd, pushing his way through the tight gathering of bodies; no one even seemed to realize that he was attempting to get through, and when he noticed the shaking and gasping, the hurried conversations of several individuals on their phones, his heart began to sink.

“Police,” Daisy announced as she followed right on his heels, not so gently elbowing her own path through, “make some room!”

When they’d cleared the throng of onlookers, Fitz could finally see what had so completely captured their attention: several feet away, there was a body sprawled out on the sidewalk, blood pooling on the pavement and soaking through the man’s tattered clothes.

This couldn’t be possible – he had to be having another nightmare. This was a public street, it was still early evening, and the body had clearly been dumped there; nothing about this made sense, nothing about this fit the killer’s MO. And if they couldn’t count on an MO…

Then they had nothing.

“Excuse me!” Jemma cried as she rushed forward then, brushing past Fitz as she went to kneel beside the man and immediately reached out to check his pulse. She seemed to be holding her breath, tentative hope written in her expression as she gazed down at his bloodied face.

But, after a moment, she released a shaky breath and bowed her head. Even though Fitz had been frozen since laying eyes on yet another body in the last place he would’ve imagined happening upon one, as he caught sight of her shoulders beginning to subtly shake, his feet began to move automatically. Once he’d reached her, he squatted down beside her and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, even as he heard the distant cry of sirens in the distance.

As Jemma trembled lightly beneath his own shaking hand, Fitz swallowed roughly and lowered his gaze to the victim. From this angle, he could clearly see the messily slashed ‘H’ carved into his chest.

390 - drunk

#shayna writes #fsfic #fitzsimmons #a hand to hold (take me home)#police officer au #chapter 4 #tw: death #just in case

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lazybarbarians · 7 years ago

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For the Emperor, by Sandy Mitchell

Kalinara: So, we had a bit of an unintentional hiatus as real life hit both of us pretty hard. But now we’re back. It was my turn to pick the book this time, so I thought I’d try something a bit different. I chose “For the Emperor”, the first of the Ciaphas Cain novels in the Warhammer 40K series

Okay, so, disclaimer. I don’t play Warhammer, any version. I only have the vaguest idea of how it works, or who the major players are, or what the hell is even going on. All of my knowledge of the setting comes from the tie-in novels. And I have to admit, as someone used to trudging through Forgotten Realms (I honestly suspect the popularity of the Drizzt books, despite the irritating nature of the main character, comes from the fact that they’re one of a handful of series that are reasonably coherent), the Warhammer 40K novels that I’ve bothered to read are actually, legitimately enjoyable.

Ragnell: I don’t play Warhammer either, but I appreciate being able to google what the aliens look like.

K::One of the most interesting aspects of these books, to me, is seeing how the writers tackle the innate ridiculousness of the setting. I mean, don’t get me started on the thousands of people sacrificed a day to keep the undead Emperor alive so that chaos doesn’t consume all of humanity thing. The setting uses the word “grimdark” unironically. Enough said.

R: This setting is like the world/universal version of Ash from the Evil Dead sequels. And now I think I’ll picture Ciaphas Cain as 90s Bruce Campbell forever.

K: And I can see why the setting works great for the game, but it’s got to be a challenge for any writer to dreg up human stories out of that mess. And it’s interesting to see how different writers handle that.

Dan Abnett’s Gaunt’s Ghosts series seems to downplay the most ridiculous aspects of the setting to focus on trench warfare in space. Sandy Mitchell, on the other hand, seems to be embracing the over-the-top aspects of the setting and matching them with an equally over-the-top protagonist: Ciaphas Cain.

According to history, Ciaphas Cain is a legendary hero, a paragon of heroic virtue whose courage and honor are unparalleled. However according to his secret memoirs (as compiled and annotated by Inquisitor Amberley Vail), Cain has a different point of view of the events. Ciaphas Cain, according to Ciaphas Cain, isn’t a hero at all, but a selfish coward who obtained his heroic reputation through a mixture of luck, good timing, and a really good facade.

The plot of the novel is pretty straightforward: it represents an extract from Cain’s memoirs about his first mission with the 597th Valhallan Regiment. But it’s the characters, not the plot, that make the story interesting.

The Valhallan 597th has an interesting backstory in its own right. It’s made up of what had been two separate companies that were devastated during a recent battle. One of the companies was an all-male front-line regiment, the other an all-female rear echelon group. This required a bit of an adjustment period, especially since the new senior officer was one of the latter.

One thing I liked about the conflict was that while sexism was a part of it, it wasn’t simply a matter of “ew, girls” so much as the fact that these were two very different companies with very different ways of doing things. And there really wasn’t any doubt that the women were as capable as the men in actual combat.

It was however a nice set up to ensure that we had about as many prominent female characters as male characters in the story.

R: Yeah, I appreciated that too. This is an extremely macho space fantasy, and it would have been easy to have one female character for the love interest for the whole thing but this writer went out of his way to give us a mix. That was really cool.

K: We also get to witness the first meeting of Cain and his annotator in person, which is a rather nice touch. Inquisitor Vail is a fun character in her own right, and she and Cain have a lot of chemistry. One thing that I stands out for me, on reread, is how much is said and not said about the relationship between the two characters. Neither of them ever use the word “love”, but Cain himself states that she made “half a lifetime of running, shooting, and bowel-clenching terror” worth it. From Cain, that’s saying something. Vail is less effusive, but in a footnote notes that she and Cain felt “more at ease in one another’s company” than either were used to. In a way, it’s possible to read the entire Cain series as a declaration of Vail’s feelings for Cain: she’s presenting us not with the legend, but with the man that she knew. Warts and all.

R: She seems to prefer him to the legend. I like that they have a kind of stock action hero-love interest thing on paper, where she’s a spy who surprises him and she relies on his combat prowess, but there is something really fresh about it. She never gets taken out specifically to prop him up, for example. They have their own strengths and weaknesses, and some social abilities in common. And they bond over the fact that she can see through him. In fact, this consummate liar seems pretty attracted to the fact that she perceives the true him and likes him.

K: It’s probably fair to note that his initial knee-jerk fear of being discovered is not as neurotic as it might seem. His personality foibles might well be an executable offense in this universe.

The fun of this particular series is in the unreliable narrator aspect. We actually get layers of unreliable narrator here. Since the stories are presented as parts of Cain’s memoirs, we’re getting Cain’s in character version of events, decades after the fact. Assuming, of course, that Cain is telling us the truth. And assuming, of course, that Cain’s recollections aren’t clouded with self-doubt, hindsight, or foggy memory.

Vail is another layer of unreliable narrator. She claims to be impartial, supplementing Cain’s account with outside sources when needed, and adding her own footnotes to provide contextual explanations (a good way to deal with the minutia of the Warhammer universe for those of us without the patience or attention span to read through the source books), but every so often her footnotes end up with a little more personal color than necessary.

We know that Cain’s heroic deeds happened. It’s documented clearly and reinforced. But the “how” and “why” is an interesting question. Is Cain the selfish coward that he thinks he is? Is he a hero suffering from imposter syndrome who doesn’t give himself enough credit? Or is he just a normal man dealing with a batshit insane society that has no comprehension or recognition of human weakness?

R: I have to say, whatever it is results in Cain having an extremely practical and grounded focus. The setting is so overblown, so masculine, so honestly scary in how the Imperium is set up and works and how brainwashed all these conscripts are that it’s helpful to have a guy like Cain as your narrator.

K: Other notable characters include Jurgen, Cain’s aide, and probably the person that Cain values most in the entire universe (though he wouldn’t/couldn’t admit it. But his reaction when he thought Jurgen might be dead was pretty telling), and Sulla, one of members of the 597th who annoys Cain the most.

I think I like Sulla because she’s a character who absolutely did not have to be female. Her major traits: a gung ho attitude that annoys the hell out of Cain, a tendency to purple prose, and a steller career in her own right, do not require Sulla to be female. She’s a comedic foil, not a romantic option, and is never discussed in terms of physical attractiveness. In most stories, she’d be a male character. And she could have been a male character here, as the Valhallan Regiment is co-ed. But instead, the future retired General Jenit Sulla is female. And I like that a lot.

R: Sulla’s great. I’m more a fan of Kasteen though, who did pretty much have to be female to balance out the co-ed thing, but has that practical side I like. Sulla’s more gung-ho “For the Emperor!” Kasteen and Broklaw are more down to earth like Cain, focusing on the immediate goal and how to obtain it without getting the regiment killed.

K: It’s probably worth talking about Cain’s role for a moment. He’s a Commissar, which, for people who aren’t familiar with the setting, operates something like an advisor, morale officer, and secret police. As near as I can tell, with my own limited exposure to the setting, their job primarily consists of shooting people for cowardice and heresy.

They’re generally not popular, for fairly understandable reasons. (It’s a warning sign as to how bad the situation was that Kasteen was actually glad to see him.) And represent one of the more mundane horrors of the setting, when you stop and think about it.

But that’s where Cain’s pragmatism and self-centeredness serves him well. Cain knows that Commissars are generally unpopular, and that the worst often meet with friendly fire accidents as often as they’re killed by the enemy, and he has no intention of allowing that to happen to him. Besides, he has a vested interest in keeping as many of his troops alive as possible so they can stand between him and the enemy.

R: Which is another great bit, a book where the intelligent survival choice is to actually build relationships with others and keep them alive. It stands out again, against the culture Cain’s immersed in.

K: Ultimately, what appeals to me the most about this book, and this series beyond it, is that it takes a premise that ought to be cynical: the legendary hero is nowhere near the paragon of virtue that he’s reputed to be, and makes it strangely optimistic. Even if we take Cain completely at his word that he’s the selfish, cowardly phony that he labels himself as, the end result is that he has had a legitimately positive influence on a lot of people. He’s saved worlds and he’s saved lives. And when you look at it like that, it’s hard to say that he doesn’t deserve to be called a “hero” after all, even if he’d never meant to be.

In the end, instead of a story in which a hero is exposed as a scoundrel, we have a story about how a scoundrel accidentally becomes a hero.

#For the Emperor #Sandy Mitchell #Ciaphas Cain #sorry to be sexist but only a man could have invented a chainsword and thought it would be a good idea #Warhammer 40K Starring Bruce Campbell #The Persistence of Optimism in Hyper-Macho Space Fantasy #Mutants. Always Mutants.#Bowel-Liquefying Love Interests

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gloriousgwendolinechristie · 7 years ago

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Recap: "Game of Thrones" - 7.02 'Stormborn'

Be a Dragon.

EW – Game of Thrones delivered on its promised faster pace of season 7 with an episode so crammed with major events, reunions, a riveting battle, deaths, and twists that it almost played like a season finale — yet this is only episode 2! After last week’s foreboding and stately premiere, “Stormborn” floored the narrative pedal, with nearly every scene delivering some kind of major consequence for our characters, setting the stage for a cross-section of battles and major power-player meet-ups. We start with:

Dragonstone: It was, quite literally, a dark and stormy night. Daenerys unexpectedly grills Varys about his loyalty because, let’s face it, on paper, his resume admittedly doesn’t sound very reassuring. That he’s a far bigger fan of King Robert than he was of her father doesn’t help either. “Incompetence should not be rewarded with blind loyalty,” shoots back Varys, in what sounds like a rare bit of modern political commentary from GoT. “You wish to know where my true loyalties lie?” he continues. “The people.” Tough to argue with that, and Dany doesn’t — though also threatens to burn him alive if he ever betrays her.

Hey, speaking of burning people alive, here’s Melisandre! She was last seen banished by Jon Snow and told to head south for killing Shireen. She went south all right, straight back to her former home that she used to share with Stannis Baratheon. I wonder if she still has some clothes there she wants to pick up.

The Red Woman is brought before Dany. She fills her in on the prophecy of Azor Ahai — a messianic figure in her Lord of Light religion; lived thousands of years ago, forged a flaming sword which he used to defeat evil; he’s prophesied to be reborn as the Prince That Was Promised, etc. etc.

Or perhaps it’s Princess That Was Promised? Experienced translator Missandei corrects Melisandre’s prophecy description.

Melisandre explains she thought Stannis was The One. Then she thought it might be Jon Snow. Now she’s not ruling out Dany either. For being some powerful Lord of Light sorcerer, Melisandre’s less confident in her Azor Ahai theory than most Game of Thrones fan blogs. Not to mention, Stannis would be so pissed if he died because of a grammar mistake.

Matchmaker Melisandre successfully gets Dany’s curiosity up about Jon Snow. Tyrion notes that he’s a decent man. She has Tyrion pen a letter to the King in the North requesting to see him and ordering him to “bend the knee” (and the Jon-Dany shippers lean forward). As much as I’d love to see Dany and Jon Snow meet, anything that Melisandre suggests based on prophecy I’m inherently wary about.

Winterfell: But not as wary as Sansa! Jon gets Tyrion’s letter — yeah, just like that. I’m pretty sure Westeros is now using FedEx instead of birds. There’s a subset of fans who always pay very strict attention to how much time characters should realistically take to get from one place to another (they’re still annoyed about Varys getting from Dorne to Meereen so fast last year). But if you try to apply your own Waze travel time estimates to characters in Westeros you’re going to go nuts. It’s probably best to just roll with it and appreciate that we’re not seeing a lot of horse-riding and campfire scenes this season.

Jon talks to Sansa about whether he should go and see her. Sansa says he shouldn’t do it, because Sansa is wrong about everything now (I kid — if we didn’t know Dany, we’d be rather wary about meeting her too; after all the fatal Stark blunders in recent years, “pulling a Stark” is probably Westeros slang for getting yourself stupid-killed).

At first, Jon is talked out of going. But then he gets another r-mail, this from Samwell, informing him that tons of precious dragonglass can be found at Dragonstone (which sounds like one of those facts that you hear and immediately feel stupid for not knowing it already).

Given the chances of scoring loads of White Walker kryptonite, Jon tells the lords in the Great Hall his plan to meet Dany. Everybody hates this idea, especially Sansa, who channels Admiral Ackbar to trap-warn him. Even cute Lyanna Mormont, who everybody loves every time she speaks, yells at Jon for knowing nothing.

Jon won’t be swayed. Frankly, he probably wants to get the hell out of there and have some new adventures anyway. He’s been looking miserable moping around Winterfell making tough political decisions while Sansa explains how stupid he is.

He does leave Sansa in charge, though, which seems to please her. One suspects this decision disappoints all the lord-bros who hang around that hall drinking all day because you know she’s going to make some changes around there.

Before he goes, Jon pays a visit to the family crypt. In slinks Littlefinger, who starts purring sweet nothings in Jon’s ear, and you can see him getting increasingly annoyed. Don’t think for a second Jon hasn’t noticed the conniving twerp’s smirking and eye-rolling in the back of his class.

Then Littlefinger creepily goes, “I love Sansa as I loved her mother,” which triggers the protective big brother in Jon to slam Baelish up against the wall and warn him to never touch his sister. Now it’s the Jon-Sansa shippers who lean forward (you pervs).

Jon Snow mounts up and takes off. We’re not sure if he’s ever going to see Winterfell again. But we’re confident now that Jon will meet the Dragon Queen who is also — we are led to assume from last season’s Bran-guided flashbacks — his aunt. This seems pretty important. Can’t Bran send Jon a letter since everybody else is sending him letters?

The Citadel: Ser Jorah isn’t doing so well. His greyscale has spread and the maesters aren’t very helpful. Sam tries to convince the grumpy Arch-Maester to let him try some radical treatment, but he won’t approve anything without several phases of successful FDA trials and suggests Ser Jorah just go kill himself. He explains this along with a bunch of facts and logical reasoning but I’m really starting to hate this guy despite being played by congenial Jim Broadbent; he’s like the epitome of an Ivory Tower out-of-touch elite.

Sam tries to cure Ser Jorah anyway because he’s awesome and believes in actually trying to do things. What follows is one of the grossest scenes in Game of Thrones, which is saying quite a bit. Sam peels off the greyscale with a knife in a procedure that looks super painful and pus-squirting disgusting. (I wonder why Sam doesn’t give the man some Milk of the Poppy; surely they have some of that laying around?) Sam finishes, but it’s unclear if this experimental Dr. House M.D-evil operation was successful. Perhaps every episode this season will have Sam tacklin some new revolting task, like a Westeros edition of Dirty Jobs.

Riverlands: Arya stops by a tavern and runs into a character we never expected to see again — Hot Pie! He’s arguably the luckiest person on the show. Everybody else is scheming and plotting and fighting and dying, while Hot Pie just continues riding out the action and making his meat-filled pastries You would think this is the last dish Arya would crave after chopping up Freys and baking them into a pie herself, but hey, a girl’s gotta eat.

Hot Pie also has a side gig as a Game of Thrones recapper, and he fills Arya in on seasons 2 through 6 (he does a decent job, though I would have thrown in Tyrion’s trial and Oberyn Martell’s arc because those parts were really cool). Arya is unsurprised about Cersei’s season finale mass-murder plot, while Hot Pie marvels at Arya, who’s now all hardened and gulping wine. “You’re pretty,” he coos, and Arya looks slightly struck; she’s not used to getting compliments.

But it’s learning that Jon Snow is back at Winterfell that really throws Arya for a loop. You can see her brain-gears turning: Hmm, murder Cersei or return to my home and reunite with my family after being kept apart for years? … That’s a toughie.

Later, Arya is accosted by wolves, but not just any wolves. Is it…? It is. Nymeria! Her long-lost direwolf who bit Joffrey that she was forced to chase off in the first season. They regard each other. “I’m finally going home; come with me,” she pleads. But Nymeria just looks at her impassively like a dog at a human who doesn’t have any snacks. Nymeria and her pack turn away.

“That’s not you…” Arya says, which is such a great line. Because the direwolf is Nymeria (and Arya knows it) but it’s also very much not Nymeria, because so much time has passed and the direwolf has changed so much. So has Arya, as we just saw in the scene with Hot Pie. The scene not only answers a long-time fan question but, even better, is used as a metaphorical mirror for Arya. As the episode’s writer Bryan Cogman says in this week’s interview with Williams about this scene, “they’re both lone wolves” (interview links are at the end of the recap).

So Arya continues her journey home. You know if she actually makes it to Winterfell, she’s going to be super pissed if Jon is gone and she’s stuck with Sansa.

King’s Landing: Cersei summons her lords for something she’s not typically very good at: trying to win people over that she considers beneath her. It’s a bit like Hillary Clinton trying to hang out with local voters in a swing state diner; this isn’t really her thing. Present are Randyll and Dickon Tarly — Samwell’s jerk father and his sorta-okay brother — whom we first met last season (Dickon was recast, by the way: Freddie Stroma played him in season 6; Tom Hopper stepped in for season 7). I love that Jaime mistakes Dickon’s name for Rickon, as if even Jaime Lannister have a tough time keeping all these damn character names straight.

Cersei smartly brands Daenerys as the return of homicidal Targaryen crazy, just like ol’ Mad King Aerys II. Sure Dany’s got a huge army and three dragons, but she’s also nuts and will kill everybody if they don’t stand up to her. Cersei is basically doing a negative campaign ad: Vote Lannister or the Targaryen Will Burn You Alive. Of course, Dany hasn’t hurt anybody in Westeros (yet) while Cersei blew up a Sept full of church-goers and her daughter-in-law. If anybody has been playing the role of Mad Queen around these parts, it sure ain’t Dany.

Mad scientist Qyburn takes Cersei down into the dragon skull room. This gorgeous set is a terrific treat for readers of George R.R. Martin’s novels. This room is described in detail in the very first A Song of Ice and Fire book, A Game of Thrones. The show didn’t have the budget to portray this in the first season, but it does now.

Qyburn reveals they have a dragon-killing secret weapon, a large spear-firing crossbow-like device that, if aimed just right, can pierce through a dragon’s eye into its brain — sorta like how that guy in the disappointing Hobbit trilogy took out Smaug. Cersei just found a way to potentially even the playing field.

Dragonstone: Daenerys has a strategy meeting with her advisors, the Greyjoys, Olenna, and Ellaria Sand. Hot-headed Ellaria wants to wipe out Cersei in King’s Landing, but Tyrion has warned against that strategy. He’s thinking that sending dragons to nuke a city probably isn’t the wisest course of action to rally the great houses to their side, and Dany agrees.

Instead, this is the idea: Strike the Lannister stronghold of Casterly Rock with the Unsullied and Dothraki army, thereby seizing Cersei’s homeland while she’s holed up in the Southern capital. Also, send the Greyjoys and Ellaria to lay siege to King’s Landing to starve out Cersei into surrendering (thereby avoiding the apparently lousy PR optics of having “foreign” forces attack the capital).

This sounds like great plan! Too bad it all goes to hell in just a few minutes. But great!

Olenna and Dany share a nifty scene together where she warns the queen against putting too much faith in clever men like Tyrion. “Commoners won’t obey you unless they fear you,” she warns. “The lords of Westeros are sheep. Are you a sheep? No. You’re a dragon. Be a dragon.” Olenna is an upper-crust blue-blood who believes you need to govern with strong-arm tactics and crush your enemies at any cost. Dany is trying to break the wheel as a reformist. But Sansa would totally retweet everything Olenna is saying.

As Tyrion said, Dany in “the great game” now. But the same could be said for nearly all our favorites. After six seasons of watching characters try to rule — and fail miserably — the core cast have gradually all stepped up into leadership roles to make the big decisions. We wonder if they’ve learned the right lessons.

Meanwhile, Missandei and Grey Worm might never see each other again. This leads to an extremely touching scene whereby stern Grey Worm finally opens up emotionally to Missandei about his feelings for her. “You are my weakness,” he says. Missandei appreciates that, but also wants more than nice words — she wants to get physical. The Unsullied commander is hesitant. This is like being asked to joust without a lance, so to speak. But he overcomes his shyness to lay with her. As Nathalie Emmanuel says in our interview, “amongst this chaos they’re like this beacon of something sweet and pure and beautiful.” We hope they are as satisfied as they can be given the limitations involved.

Greyjoy Ship at Sea: We get a moment with the Sand Snakes bragging about who they’re going to kill. This moment plays a lot better after you know what’s about to happen. Then it’s Ellaria and Yara flirting in a cabin. Theon tries to leave, but Ellaria wants to make him stand there and watch. Poor Theon, everybody always wants him to be an awkward voyeur for some reason.

Then… disaster. Euron has found them. What follows is a thrilling sequence from director Mark Mylod. One of my favorite things about GoT action scenes is they’re always unique from one another; this frantic fiery ship battle plays like nothing we’ve seen on the show before. The energy feels like a reflection of Euron, who gets one helluva entrance: His ship The Silence pierces the side of the Greyjoys’ vessel, then a manic screaming Euron rides its jaw-like walkway that clamps down on the ship, both preventing the ship from escaping and providing a way to board.

It’s apparent from the outset that the Greyjoys are being overrun. Euron is a bloody nightmare of psychotic rage-joy. Ellaria and her daughter Tyene are captured below decks, and Ellaria’s request for death is denied while Obara and Nymeria fight Euron (yes, the Sand Snake played by Jessica Henwick is named Nymeria… only Game of Thrones would have two characters with pivotal sequences in the same episode who are both named Nymeria).

Their fight is raw and brutal, with Euron turning their signature weapons against each other, piercing Obara with her spear while strangling Nymeria with her whip. Two of the three Sand Snakes are down, their bodies left to decorate the ship.

Euron also captures Yara despite her Glow-like flying pro-wrestling leap down on top of him. Theon spots them, and Euron tries to bait him into attacking. Euron has no fear. Theon is full of fear. Hot Pie and Nymeria the direwolf aren’t the only long-lost characters to return this week. Reek is back. And Reek does what Reek does — he flees, jumping over the side. Yara is heartbroken at the betrayal. But it was probably Theon’s wisest move given Euron’s fighting skills. Theon rushing at Euron would totally be pulling a Stark.

Recap: “Game of Thrones” – 7.02 ‘Stormborn’ was originally published on Glorious Gwendoline

#gwendoline christie #game of thrones #got cast #Brienne of Tarth #star wars #Captain Phasma #The Force Awakens #Mockingjay 2 #Commander Lyme #THG #The Hunger Game

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kuriquinn · 8 years ago

Text

Walk A Mile [4/?]

General Disclaimer

This chapter was beta-read by: Sakura’s Unicorn

The Third Hokage is already in his office when Team 7 trudge into Hokage Tower which doesn't surprise Naruto in the least. He's pretty sure the old man lives there and maybe even sleeps sitting at his desk.

If he even sleeps at all!

"Kakashi," the old man greets, nodding at the jōnin and then considering the others gathered beside him. His eyes rest on Naruto in ostrich form, and he sighs. "You just can't do anything half-way, can you, Naruto?"

"Hey!" he cries, offended. Sakura and Sasuke make noises of amazement, but Naruto isn't really surprised the old man is already up to speed.

Condor doesn't feel the same. "Wait! How does he know?"

"I know everything," the old man says importantly.

"He was probably using his hokey crystal ball to keep track of us," Naruto dismisses. "The old fart is always spying on me." He lowers his head conspiratorially. "He's a bit of a perv, you know?"

"How rude," Condor determines while the Hokage coughs in disapproval.

"So, you know what's happened to us?" Sakura asks in a hopeful tone.

"I observe events as they play out, not causes," the Hokage replies, "but given what I saw Kakashi discover, I already pursued the proper course of action."

"Yeah, that sounds only a little creepy," Naruto grumbles.

"Before we get to that, Lord Hokage," Kakashi says, "there's another minor situation that needs wrapping up. Before we arrived here, we encountered…some trouble."

"I'm aware," the old man says, waving off whatever mission report Kakashi is about to give. Naruto's crystal ball theory is looking even more plausible. "Given the circumstances, I understand why you left the bandits behind. I've already ordered Izumo and Kotetsu to gather an extraction team. The men who attacked you will be dealt with."

"See?" Naruto points out to Condor. "Creepy."

Condor nods in agreement, fixing the Hokage with a suspicious glare.

"Good to know. My hounds weren't too pleased at being put on bandit-sitting duty," Kakashi says, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

"Hey, who cares about that!" Naruto demands. Getting back to the village undetected already took a lot more effort and patience than he usually has. There's none left to put up with adults making small talk. "I want my body back, now!"

"Hush, Naruto. We're addressing the matter as fast as we can," the Hokage chides. There's a knock at the large door. "Ah, and here he is. Come in."

A tall man with long blond hair appears in the doorway behind them. Naruto has never met the guy, but he looks like a male version of Ino, so it's obvious who he is.

I hope he's nicer than she is. She knows where to dig in the knife and make it hurt – and not just with words…

"Lord Hokage," he greets then nods at the other jōnin. "Kakashi."

"Inoichi."

"Condor," the stupid bird pipes up, earning unimpressed glares from everyone else. "What? I thought we were supposed to throw random names out there?"

"Could you make me sound like a bigger idiot?" Naruto complains.

"Probably not."

Inoichi makes a confused face, but instead of asking, waits for the old man to speak.

"Considering the matter, I've asked the head of head of the Yamanaka clan to assess the situation," the latter tells them as he closes the door to the office.

"You didn't exactly explain the situation," Inoichi points out, his voice calm but with a definite note of curiosity. His gaze falls on Sasuke and his mouth quirks a little. "Hello, Sakura. It's nice to see you again."

Oh, yeah. She would know him. She and Ino used to be friends. Or are still. I don't even know…

"Hello, Uncle," Sakura chirps with a nervous grin. "Sorry to get you up so early."

Inoichi's eyes widen when those words come from the sullen, pale boy instead of the pink-haired girl. Naruto suspects Sasuke has never spoken directly to Ino's father, let alone referred to him so respectfully.

When Sasuke audibly smacks himself in the forehead, he's sure that suspicion is right.

"What did I tell you?" Sasuke hisses at Sakura, one green eye twitching.

"It's not like it has to stay a big secret in here," Sakura replies, sounding annoyed and defensive. "He's here to help us, so he has to know, so stop getting mad at me!"

Naruto grins.

In a span of mere hours, their team's sudden body-swap has broken down whatever unwritten rule has always existed whereby Sakura lets Sasuke get away with being a grouchy asshole. For once, she's venting her temper on Sasuke instead of Naruto.

Maybe she'll finally realise what a douchebag the guy is and start seeing me…once I'm human again, of course.

Inoichi considers Sasuke and Sakura for a second then says to Kakashi, "That's all? They've switched?"

"Oh, it's more than that," Kakashi says, inclining his head toward Condor and Naruto.

"I hope you're saying 'that's all' as a good thing," Naruto grumbles.

"Speak for yourself. I was hoping for a little more time to test this worthless hide out," Condor replies, considering his fingers. "Opposable thumbs – such possibilities!"

"Please! You didn't even know your fingers could bend until two hours ago!"

"And in that time, I've added to my list of activities I would like to try."

This time, Inoichi's eyes bulge. His head moves back and forth, trying to follow Condor's quips and Naruto's nonsensical bird noises, before offering the Third Hokage a pleading look. "Please tell me you're joking," he says flatly.

The old man makes a noise of disagreement and shakes his head. "Now you see why I did not give you the specifics until you got here. I'm sure you realise the delicate situation we're in. The fate of the village itself could be in jeopardy."

"What? Seriously?" Condor wants to know, sounding impressed.

"I honestly don't see how it's different from usual," Sasuke mutters. "Either the demon's sharing headspace with an ostrich, or the village idiot. At least one of them is housetrained."

"Why you – asshole!" Naruto howls, trying to lunge at the other boy. Strong hands wrap around his body, keeping him still, and he twists around to glower at Kakashi. Inoichi is just as annoyed with the man.

"You told them? I know you have questionable methods, Kakashi, but coming right out and disclosing sensitive information!"

"It didn't exactly happen that way."

"Don't get mad at Kakashi-sensei. It really wasn't his fault," Sakura defends loyally.

"Yeah! That jerk bird is the one with the big mouth!" Naruto agrees.

"That's eye snot laughing at nose snot," Condor retorts.

"What does that even mean?!"

"Once you get the facts and you think about it, it's really not much of a secret," Sakura continues in a louder voice to drown them out. "Anyone with half a brain can make the connection between Naruto's age and the disappearance of the fox demon. Add to it the time since the attack and the general attitude of people in the village, and the answer is obvious."

"The only reason no one's said anything is because you probably put a gag order on it, right?" Sasuke adds, addressing the Hokage. "No one's allowed to talk about it, so no one our age or younger knows. Logically, it's sound. Within half a generation, no one would even know the secret, so any enemy hoping to find out could torture us and never discover the truth."

"Oh," Sakura says, eyes wide. "I never thought of that…"

"That's because you're not a morbid psycho like him," Naruto mutters.

"Tell me about it," Condor says, bemusedly shaking his head at Sasuke.

The Hokage appears to be smiling, but Inoichi continues to look stunned. "You're taking this oddly well," he finally manages, eyeing the group of them.

"Yeah, well, Naruto's our teammate and he's saved our lives a bunch of times. Even if we've saved him more," Sakura says matter-of-factly. "He might be a total mess, but he's our mess. Right, Sasuke?"

Sasuke crosses his arms, and only grunts out a terse, "Hm," which in Sasuke-speak could mean, 'yes,' 'no,' or 'I'm throwing myself into a potentially deadly situation to show off how awesome I am.'

Naruto chooses to believe it's the foremost option and is immediately hit by a wave of gratitude toward his teammates.

Since the stupid bird opened his mouth, Naruto has been angry and terrified because he never wanted his team to know. He has enough trouble recognising the truth about the Nine Tails for himself and, despite their relatively easy-going reactions earlier, he's still anxious they might decide to avoid him. Or worse, abandon him and the team – the only true friends he's ever had. Without them, he'll never become a great ninja or Hokage, and if they were to share the information with other people? Everyone knows that there's something wrong with him, but they don't know what it is. And the idea that his teammates might be the ones to reveal that information? There would be nothing worse.

Except they've done the exact opposite. Even that ass, Sasuke, is sticking by him.

Tears well in his eyes. For the first time in his life, he feels as if there's one less burden that he needs to worry about.

Except the whole being an ostrich thing.

That still sucks.

Kakashi side-eyes Inoichi and, even with the mask, it's clear he's smirking. "You were saying about my methods?"

Inoichi mumbles something unintelligible while Naruto strides toward his teammates, tears in his eyes. "You guys…you guys are so great!"

"Ew, Naruto! Your eyes are leaking all over me!" Sakura cries, shoving the large bird body into Sasuke.

"Cut it out, moron!" Sasuke snaps and then, as Naruto accidentally treads on his foot, "Shit!"

"Sasuke, are you okay?"

"Just leave me alone…"

Kakashi emits a long-suffering sigh. "Never mind."

ナルト

"If you've all finished," the Third Hokage says dryly. "I would think this was a matter you'd want resolved sooner rather than later?"

"Hell yes!" Sakura declares, and then flushes when she realises how loud she was. "Sorry."

"Inoichi, see to Naruto and Condor first," Lord Sarutobi says, "as the issue is more pressing."

Even though she understands why (ostrich guarding a demon, after all), Sakura can't help but be impatient. Judging from the commiserating look Sasuke shares with her, he's of the same opinion.

Ino's father steps forward and places a hand on Naruto's head. When Condor makes no move to come any closer, Kakashi not-so-discreetly elbows him forward, causing him to stumble, and his head lands neatly in Inoichi's other hand.

The blond man shuts his eyes and concentrates, his expression utterly identical to the one Sakura has seen on Ino's face dozens of times. Although it's impossible for her to actually see minds switch places, when she and Ino were friends, she used to let Ino train by practicing on her and, inevitably, there is always a sudden tensing of muscles and straightening of the spine when one's mind gets moved or supplanted.

Probably a delayed neurological reaction.

It's because of this lack of response in Naruto or Condor that Sakura is the first observer to realise that Inoichi's attempt has not worked. A sinking feeling enters her stomach, growing all the worse when Inoichi removes his hands and looks grim.

"I can't," he says tensely to a chorus of disbelief. He raises a hand to silence them and continues, "It's possible the greater difficulty is because cross-species mind transfers are different. We don't use them very often for exactly this purpose. It's hard to reverse."

Yeah, no kidding. Ino once got stuck in a frog for days…

"So how do you get around that normally?" Kakashi asks.

"We'll just have to bring in more members of the clan to boost the power of the jutsu," Inoichi dismisses. "In the meantime, let's reverse the other two. Human-to-human should be no problem."

Naruto makes a complaining noise, but Condor is smug. "So, I might get a chance to eat human food before all this is over after all?"

"Don't look so pleased," Kakashi chides as Sakura and Sasuke hurry forward. Sasuke, who hates to be touched, all but fixes Inoichi's hand on his forehead himself. Sakura doesn't really blame him; she's never really liked her body, but being trapped in someone else's is a nightmare.

I promise I will never try to change the way I look ever again if I can have my own skin back! I'll never diet again! I'll stop complaining about how easy I freckle! I'll…I don't know!

Again Inoichi closes his eyes and, out of reflex, Sakura does the same, clenching her eyelids tight. She tries to focus, imagining that maybe if her mind is really intent on getting back to where it's supposed to be, it will ease the process.

It appears to be working.

There's a dizzying, pulling sensation in her head, almost like standing up too quickly. The world feels like it's tilting and there's a rush of sound in her ears –

And then she feels a disconcerting jerk throughout her entire body and her eyes spring open.

Inoichi staggers back, blood trickling from his nose, eyes wide in disbelief. "That's not possible," he says, and Sakura whirls around to stare at Sasuke to see if it worked, only to realise she's still staring out at him from his eyes. Sasuke's expression is stricken, and before he manages to force her features into a blank mask, she recognizes panic there.

"It's not just Naruto and Condor, is it?" Lord Hokage says quietly as if he expected as much.

"The technique is stronger than any I know of," Inoichi says, wiping his face. "Whatever it is, it was designed for permanence."

"'Permanence?'" Sakura whispers, horrified. It feels like an icy hand has gripped her heart.

"It isn't just your minds that have been swapped, but your souls," Inoichi says, his expression stormy. "Explain how this happened."

Sasuke's jaw is set, as if he doesn't trust himself to speak out loud without cursing or worse. Naruto is effectively mute, and Condor is smirking about the whole thing. Considering Kakashi wasn't there to witness what happened, Sakura finds herself the only one capable of telling the tale.

Forcing down her mounting fear, she quickly explains about finding the tomb with Sasuke and the fight that ensued. Guiltily, she recounts how it was her temper which shattered the shrine and likely set off the wards. At this point, she can't look her teammates in the eye or continue, so Kakashi takes over, relaying the discovery they made afterward.

"It sounds as if you stumbled on the lost tomb of Noboru Yamanaka," Inoichi tells them. "In which case, it will definitely take more than a few additional clan members to boost the jutsu. We'll need to find the exact technique to switch you back – and that will take a while."

"Define 'a while,'" Sasuke utters through gritted teeth.

"More than a few hours, I can tell you that. There are a lot of records to go through. It could be days. It could be weeks."

Sakura thinks she's having a minor heart attack because she is going to be stuck in Sasuke's body for days…possibly weeks?! Condor laughs in delight as if it's the funniest thing in the world and, finally losing his patience, Sasuke growls and lunges at the blond.

"What do you think you're doing, you lunatic?!" Condor yelps while Naruto flaps his wings angrily, yelling and pecking at them (he doesn't seem to care who he hits). With no other recourse, Sakura has to throw herself forward as well, if only to keep Naruto from gouging holes into her body.

"Enough, all of you!" Lord Third booms with enough command in his voice that even Condor freezes and looks slightly ashamed. "This is not helping the matter."

The guys all slide away from each other, and Sakura takes deep breaths. There's no point to passing out from hyperventilation.

"There's a way to reverse it and we won't give up until we do. It's just a matter of research and patience," Inoichi tells them. He glances at the Hokage. "It will definitely take a while, however. Our old clan records are written in a different dialect. We'll need a translator working on it."

"I'll have someone from cryptology assigned to the case," Lord Third acknowledges.

"While we're waiting for that, I'll speak to the older members of the clan. They might have a clue where to start."

"That's a good idea," Sakura says. "Maybe we should do that, too?"

"Sorry, Sas–Sakura. They won't speak to outsiders," Ino's father says, offering her a tentative, comforting smile. "You guys will just have to sit tight for a bit."

"'Sit tight?' That's your great advice?" Sasuke snaps. "I'm stuck in a girl's body and all you can come up with is 'sit tight?' This is supposed to be your clan's speciality. You'd think you could come up with something better!"

"Sasuke," Kakashi reprimands and Sasuke scowls, but doesn't apologise.

Sakura, on the other hand, is annoyed; surprisingly, it's not with Inoichi.

"Well, it's not exactly fun being stuck in a boy's body, either," she tells Sasuke, her hands on her hips. "Want to ask Kakashi-sensei just how 'not fun' it is?"

Her teacher makes a choking noise, but Sasuke simply turns red and shuts up. They both know she's referring to her surreal yet necessary trip to empty her bladder. What Sasuke doesn't know is that she accidentally peed on Kakashi's feet trying to figure out how to do it right, but she's so upset right now that even the fact that he's Sasuke doesn't erase her emotions spinning wildly out of control.

Also, it's somehow easier to talk back to him right now. It's like the things that bother her about Sasuke are easier to notice when he's wearing her face instead of his own. She ignores what that says about her.

"Well, we might not be able to ask the Yamanaka clan elders, but perhaps we can approach it another way," Kakashi points out quickly, evidently trying to avoid further outbursts from Sakura. "Starting with the Noboru tomb. Why was it lost in the first place?"

"Knowing the story might help us see it from a different angle," Sasuke agrees tensely, refusing to look at anyone.

"I doubt you'll find out much from that. It's just stories that were passed down by the family. A lot of it could be wrong," Inoichi warns.

"It's still a start."

"Not much of one," Ino's father sighs.

"If enough dust is piled up, it too becomes a mountain," Lord Third pronounces sagely. "You will tell us what you can – and I have some scrolls in my residence on the different clans who have joined Konoha. Perhaps there is something there as well." He considers the body-swap victims. "And perhaps I can offer you all something to eat. You must be hungry."

At that moment, Sakura's borrowed stomach give a loud protest. Both Sasuke and Condor reflexively clutch their stomachs, and Naruto gives a groan of agreement.

"And I imagine Kakashi could use a cup of sake."

"Kakashi could," their sensei admits wearily.

ナルト

Sasuke stares down at the bowl of tsumire in front of him, swallowing the lump in his throat.

On the one hand, he really is hungry. They haven't eaten since leaving that village yesterday; the impromptu body-swap made dinner a little bit less of a priority. On the other hand, there's the natural consequence of eating that he really, really wants to avoid.

He's already feeling a tightness in his bladder that doesn't bode well.

Beside him, Sakura is looking at her own bowl as if she expects it to attack. Across from them, Condor and Naruto are dedicatedly digging in to bowls of hijiki that have been placed before them. They're making an equally big mess of the Hokage's dining table, causing Inoichi Yamanaka to regard them with mild repulsion.

Kakashi, used to Naruto's eating habits, barely flinches, calmly sipping his sake.

Through that damned mask, too. Wouldn't that affect the taste?

It occurs to Sasuke that he might be the only sane person in the room besides the Hokage. And if Naruto's stories about the guy's secret perversions are true, maybe not so much.

Sasuke's stomach gives a yowling complaint and he winces. He feels a lot hungrier than he should – almost nauseous – which is odd even with how long it's been since they last stopped for food. He suspects Sakura might not have consumed as much as she should have back in the village.

She's always making throwaway comments about watching her weight, but he never thought it was more than something girls just said.

If she's been eating like a bird this whole time, no wonder she always gets in some kind of trouble. She doesn't have enough energy built up to fight!

Shinobi need to keep their strength up and, considering some of the abilities they are capable of, that means eating quite a lot. He and Naruto put away at least three times the calories of a civilian kid their age on a normal day of training; after missions that require them to use even the most basic of jutsu, Sasuke has been known to completely demolish whatever sustenance is left in his pantry.

He glowers down at the food in front of him once more and emits a resigned sigh. They're going to be stuck in these bodies for a while. If it was guaranteed they only had a day or two, maybe he could tough it out. But Inoichi effectively put the kibosh on that.

Just get it over with already!

He picks up his chopsticks and starts eating.

Sakura makes a noise of surprise, as if she either wasn't expecting this, or was waiting all along. Then, adopting a similar expression of resignation, also begins to eat. Slowly, and daintily, and taking such small bites she might as well be at a formal ceremony for all the nutritional value she's getting.

If this keeps up, he's going to have to be around her at meal times just to make sure she's eating enough to keep his body's metabolism from getting screwed up.

He shoots Naruto and the bird an annoyed look as they continue to polish off their dinner, and thinks that maybe they got the best deal after all.

"Here it is." The Third Hokage's voice brings Sasuke out of his resentful thoughts as the old man returns to the main room, balancing a large, aged scroll in his hands. "There isn't much on the subject, I'm afraid. Information that predates the village is hard to come by – until Konoha was founded, information was passed on orally."

"And still is," Inoichi says. "I'm sure the only information on the Yamanaka in those records pertains to the clan since we've been part of the village."

"That's less than seventy years worth," Sakura protests, pausing with her chopsticks halfway to her mouth. "Ino said your family didn't settle here until her grandfather was a baby."

Inoichi nods. "Yes. Which is a problem for us because Noboru existed about three centuries ago."

"That was during the Warring States period – there's no one alive who remembers that!"

"No. But most of us have been told the stories."

"Then would you mind telling us instead of beating around the bush?" Sasuke grumbles.

"Sasuke." It's the Hokage who reprimands him this time, and so he doesn't pursue it.

Inoichi shoots him a frown of dislike, but continues nonetheless.

"During the Warring States, the Yamanaka were one of the most feared clans due to their ability to possess the minds of others," Inoichi explains. Their talent was known far and wide and often used to the advantage of other clans. Even the Senju and the Uchiha commissioned us for their feuds."

Sasuke blinks at the sound of his name.

"However, what none of those other clans knew back then was that the Yamanaka used their gift to maintain a kind of immortality."

"I don't understand," Condor says. "How does your ability allow for immortality?"

"The strongest of the clan would give birth to the new generation and raise those children with the sole purpose of transferring their minds and souls. Those children effectively died as soon as they reached maturity, their bodies becoming the vessels for their elders."

"That's horrible!" Sakura gasps.

"It's a dark time in our history," Inoichi agrees. "It wouldn't have changed, except for one man—Inosuke Yamanaka."

"Wait. I know that name. I read it in a book, I think. Wasn't he the first Yamanaka clan leader to establish ties with the Nara and the Akimichi?"

"Yes. But that wasn't what he was destined to become when he was born. His father, Noboru, was the most powerful of the Yamanaka Elders. On his eighteenth birthday, Inosuke was forced to undergo the mind transference ritual. Somehow, though, he escaped."

"How?" Sasuke asks.

"No one knows. Our stories say that he was as talented as his father. Considering he defeated the ritual, I'd say he was more. However he did it, he got his freedom. Inosuke fled his people's land and lived for a time in ignominy. News spread of the growing might of the Yamanaka, who were now beginning to take prisoners from surrounding clans; people they intended to reduce to their basic functions in order to use them as vessels."

Sakura looks a little sick at the idea, but Sasuke is unsurprised. He knows that every shinobi clan has some kind of dark history and anyone who pretends otherwise is a hypocrite. His own clan is steeped in dark deeds, if the secrets he found beneath the Naka shrine are any indication. Still, the idea of robbing future generations of their bodies and wills is mildly unsettling even for him.

"Inosuke felt it was his duty to stop his people. He wandered to the clans and settlements in the area, trying to explain the root of the Yamanaka's power. He tried to rally a force to defeat the clan and end the practice that took so many lives. But those who believed him did not have the force to help him, and those who didn't believe thought he was a spy and chased him from their midst. Opposing the Yamanaka was considered suicide. Some even hoped that if they returned him to the Yamanaka, they would gain immunity."

"You humans are rather thick," Condor muses.

"Can I hurt him?" Sakura asks Sasuke. "Please?"

"I'm not stopping you."

"I am," Kakashi says, warning in his tone. He indicates Inoichi should keep talking. "So he was captured?"

"Yes. And when that happened, he decided that even if he died in the process, he would still try to destroy the clan. He didn't fight when he was brought before the elders, making them believe he had given up. They gathered everyone together to make an example of him. But when Noboru attempted to take him over, he dragged his elder into a battle in the aether –"

"The what?" Condor asks and, judging by the inquisitive whine, Naruto also wants to know.

"It's a bit like a separate plane of existence," Kakashi puts in. "The Yamanaka ability is based on their ability to navigate it."

"Exactly," Inoichi confirms. "It's said they both battled for hours but, in the end, Noboru was still too strong. Inosuke was doomed to die – until the village was attacked."

"Wait – what?!" Sakura demands.

"While the Yamanaka were busy making an example of Inosuke, two of the clans he visited – the Nara and the Akimichi – arrived in the dead of night. By combining their own special techniques, they completely decimated the Yamanaka clan holdings and wiped out the older generation."

"And that's why your clans are always together," Sakura concludes.

Inoichi nods. "Yes. After the destruction of the elders, the particular technique they used for immortality was classified as forbidden. Along with Inosuke and his descendants, the Nara and the Akimichi agreed to stand as guardians to ensure that power was never abused again."

"And Noboru?" Kakashi wants to know.

"Because of how old and powerful he was – after all, he had lived and taken many lives before his defeat – his soul couldn't simply be freed from a body. He would just possess the nearest one, without even needing to use jutsu. So, by the efforts of Inosuke and the heads of the other two clans, he was entombed in a shrine that was warded against his escape."

The silence that follows is a thoughtful one.

"But if that's what happened, what does that have to do with us getting switched?" Sakura asks.

"A defense against anyone attempting to open the shine," Inoichi clarifies. "In days of old, intruders would have been incapacitated and dealt with. As time went on, however, it was believed that Noboru had long ago wasted away and his soul passed on."

"So the shrine was abandoned," Kakashi notes.

"Yes."

"Hold on," Sasuke says suddenly, brows creased in a frown. "If we opened it and set it off, and we were the nearest bodies…"

Sakura gasps, catching on. "How do we know Noboru didn't get into one of us and he's just pretending?"

"No," Inoichi dismisses easily. "I would have noticed before when I tried to switch you back. You likely only set off the trap. I image his spirit is still locked in the shrine."

"But we will be sending a team to ensure that right away," Lord Third speaks up. "Should his escape be likely, we'll deal with it appropriately. But for you four, it's not the immediate concern. Your current circumstances are."

"You've got that right," Sakura mutters. "We've got to do something! We can't just stand around here and wait!"

"That's exactly what you're going to do."

There's a ringing silence, broken once the words sink in.

"What?!"

"CAW?!

ナルト

Following Lord Third's mandate of inaction, it's as if a room full of explosive tags has just been detonated. The three kids and the ostrich protest, their voices rising from indignant to utterly furious.

"Enough," the Hokage commands, the one word not shouted, but still able to pierce through the din. "At this point, there is no choice but to wait for headway to be made."

Kakashi winces at the mutinous expressions on his students' faces. They look like they want to throttle the old man right now and although he knows that in their current state, taking them down would be easy, he really doesn't want to have to.

"So we're supposed to just sit here. And do nothing. For days. Possibly weeks," Sasuke repeats, incredulous. "That's it? That's all you can give us?"

"It would also be best if your present circumstances were kept secret," Lord Third says, and although the wording makes it sound like a suggestion, everyone in the room knows that it's anything but.

"Why? So we don't bother you with our problems?"

"Well, that too," Kakashi speaks up, thinking quickly. He needs to diffuse the situation before his student crosses the boundary of acceptable attitude. He ignores the venomous glare trained on him, knowing that if it weren't for the new body, an activated Sharingan would be focussed on him right now.

The term 'slay with a look' makes a lot more sense once you've been subjected to one from Sasuke. He has it down to an art form – contemptuous, cold, and so full of anger that, even if his clan wasn't known for their fire jutsu, it could possibly melt shuriken…or the flesh from the bones of someone annoying him. In most cases, it's Naruto, but Kakashi has gotten a few of those looks.

He privately hopes that he never has to see what Sasuke looks like when he's truly furious.

"More practically speaking," he goes on, "it's good training and it will protect you all."

"How do you figure?" Sakura asks stiffly.

"If anyone discovers you are occupying each other's bodies, it might suggest vulnerability," Inoichi says, catching on to Kakashi's thinking. "Not just on a personal scale, but for the village as well."

"Sasuke is the last of an old and distinguished shinobi clan," Lord Third admonishes. Clearly the three adults in the room are all on the same page. Good to know. "There are many who would attempt to get their hands on him to discover the secrets of the Uchiha. Perhaps even try to take possession of his eyes."

Sakura gulps, and even Sasuke looks cautious at this.

"Without being able to move properly in his body, Sakura might leave him open to attack." The lone female member of their team hangs her head at this and Lord Third continues, "As for Sakura, she's very intelligent and knows more about Konoha and its history than many jōnin do. It's a wealth of information if she's taken unawares and, at the moment, Sasuke, your responsiveness is not up to your usual standard."

Sasuke clenches his fist.

"Foremost, of course, there's the issue of the Nine-Tails," Inoichi says. "If enemies were to discover the village's jinchūriki –"

"The village's what?" Condor interrupts, the question chorusing with Naruto's confused squawk. Well, as confused as an ostrich can sound anyhow.

Inoichi shoots Kakashi a look of disbelief.

"That actually didn't come up," Kakashi tells the blond man helpfully. Sasuke looks a little nonplussed, but Sakura seems thoughtful. She doesn't appear confused by the concept of a jinchūriki, but considering how she studies Naruto, it's possible she hasn't really thought through the exact ramifications of her teammate being one.

Inoichi pinches the bridge of his nose. "For all intents and purposes, it's an individual with a tailed beast inside of them."

"A tailed beast? You mean there are more…giant super predators out there?!" Condor demands.

"Caw?!"

"We'll discuss it later," Kakashi interjects. "If anyone knew that the Nine-Tails is currently in a body with nothing but an ostrich soul guarding it –"

"Excuse you! What's that supposed to mean?" Condor challenges. "There's that speciesism I was talking about! You humans, thinking you're the top of the food chain. My ancestors walked the planet picking their teeth with your bones!"

"It's not a matter of superiority or inferiority in this case," Inoichi says quietly. "A soul is a soul. But the complexity of the seal needed to contain a tailed beast – it involves not just melding a chakra monster with the body of its host, but also its soul."

"Let me put it another way," Lord Third says. "The seal was custom made with Naruto's soul in mind – not Condor's. And while they might be equal in every other respect, Condor's is still not the one that's tied into keeping the Nine-Tails contained."

"So, he's like a ticking time bomb right now?" Sasuke asks suspiciously. Naruto hisses at him.

"Not exactly. The seal can't be broken unless the jinchūriki allows it to weaken or some outside force does so. As I suspect Condor is not keen on interacting with the Nine-Tails –"

"You've got that right!"

"- the only thing we have to worry about is someone on the outside learning about what's happened. They could capture him and forcibly extract it."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Condor muses. "Getting rid of the fox in my head might make enjoying this meat sack a little easier."

"In previous instances where extraction of the tailed beast has occurred, the jinchūriki usually die."

"That means you, moron," Sasuke tells the bird.

Condor pales. "Oh. Well. Let's not do that then."

"Furthermore, if this ostrich is returned to his owner or even to one of our reserves, we might lose track of Naruto," Lord Third says. "Possibly forever, if a poacher were to stumble upon him at the right time."

"The point is, you guys can't show that you're vulnerable," Kakashi concludes. "Just pretend like everything is normal until we figure this out."

"Normal," Sasuke repeats, staring at him as if he has two heads. "What part of any of this is normal?!"

"What about telling our…I mean, I should tell my parents, shouldn't I?" Sakura speaks up hesitantly.

Kakashi notices how delicate she's trying to be, but even so, Sasuke and Naruto both tense up. He knows from experience that neither likes the reminder that they have no other family.

"No, you can't," he tells her. "I've met your parents –"

"What? When?!"

" – and knowing you're in Sasuke's body probably won't stop them from wanting you to stay in their house. Which would lead to questions because, to my knowledge, that's never happened before."

"Not to mention everyone else we know would ask why I was staying at your house," Sasuke adds in resignation.

"So, no, you won't tell your parents. Sasuke will simply have to stay at your home and pretend he's you, and vice versa."

"Yeah, but…" Sakura hesitates again, glancing at her teammate apologetically, and then saying, "They're going to notice if I start, um, not acting like myself."

"You mean acting like a pretentious clot," Condor supplies while Naruto nods fervently in agreement beside him.

"That is so not what I meant!" Sakura cries defensibly. "I just – it's only…we're really different, and my mother is definitely going to know, and –"

"This is a horrible plan," Sasuke interrupts.

"Look at it as continued training," Kakashi suggests. "A means of practicing your ability to insert yourself into a situation. You've all mastered the Transformation jutsu, but none of you have managed to pull off acting like your intended target after the fact."

"In undercover missions, shinobi often have to take out and replace the enemy in a way that can't be detected. Sometimes for months at a time," Inoichi adds. "There are even some who are so skilled at infiltration that they can hold out under even the most skilled interrogators."

Sasuke's face has finally smoothed slightly and, although he still isn't impressed, Kakashi finally seems to have gotten through to the logical part of him.

Good. If there were ever a day he decided to lose it and set someone on fire, it would probably be today. And I really, really don't need that.

His head throbs in agreement. As soon as he gets home, he is going to sleep. He won't even finish rereading Icha Icha Paradise beforehand.

Well…maybe just one chapter…

"You've known Sakura long enough and being on the same team has put you in close quarters," Kakashi goes on. "Even Naruto should have the ability to pretend to be her."

"Hey!" Sakura cries, offended. Kakashi isn't sure if it's on Naruto's behalf or the idea that her teammates could pull off pretending to be her.

To be honest, Naruto would have an easier time pretending to be Sakura. I doubt Sasuke even noticed until today that she wears contact lenses. For a kid with a Sharingan, he's remarkably short-sighted…

"And what's she going to be doing in all this time?" Sasuke wants to know. "Staying in my apartment?"

Sakura suddenly goes rigid, face blossoming with colour. Kakashi imagines he can see steam pouring out of her ears at the prospect of living in the home of the boy she has a crush on.

Best nip that in the bud right away. She might have an aneurysm or something.

"No. I think during this time, Sakura should stay with me," Kakashi decides. "I don't think wandering around the Uchiha compound alone is a good idea. And I can be on hand in case you have any other…" He coughs. "…issues."

This time, it's both Sakura and Sasuke that turn the colour of ripe tomatoes. They immediately stare in the exact opposite direction.

Kakashi is also very conscious of the shoes he will be throwing out once he returns home.

"B-b-but Sasuke's never stayed with you alone before! Won't someone ask questions?" Sakura inquires quickly, her borrowed voice cracking again. Sasuke's entire body shudders and Naruto cackles.

"If anyone does, our story will be that you and I are working on advanced Sharingan techniques," Kakashi answers. "In fact, if this lasts as long as Inoichi suggests, all of you could benefit from working with one another to improve your abilities. Just encountering those bandits, I've seen several areas that need improvement."

"No kidding," Sasuke mutters.

"That means no high level techniques until you are in control of yourselves," Lord Third cautions. "Even then, I would avoid all but the basic abilities."

They are all quiet at that, although the silence is more speculative than angry this time.

Naruto begins a loud, angry diatribe of grunts and bleeps. Condor rolls his eyes and sighs. "As monosyllabic as our knuckleheaded companion here is, he makes a good point. Exactly what is to be done about our situation? Am I to reside with him in his…nest? Or are we to return to that twit who believes himself to be my owner?"

"Neither," Lord Third says. "Naruto and Condor, you must stick together until a solution is discovered. I'll deal with your…well, with the individual who hired Team 7 for the mission. It seems someone promised I would remove Condor to a nature preserve, anyhow."

He eyes Sakura meaningfully.

She clears her throat and shuffles her feet.

"I will arrange for a safe location where you can both stay. I doubt Naruto's landlady will be pleased with a…guest staying with him," Lord Third continues. "And, given the serious nature of having the Nine-Tails in Condor's body, it would be prudent to add a failsafe or two to ensure the seal isn't compromised. From now until the situation resolves itself, I will be assigning a second jōnin to Team 7."

"Lord Hokage, I don't think that's a good idea," Kakashi says. "The fewer people know about what's happened, the safer."

"Yes. And under regular circumstances, I would agree. However, with the possibility of the Nine-Tails breaking free, we can't afford to make mistakes. There is one among our corps who excels at chakra repression and would be invaluable to this mission."

Kakashi's eyes widen. "You mean…"

"Yes," Lord Third says shortly. "I will send for him as soon as he returns from his latest mission."

Naruto chirrups an inquiry.

"We'll discuss it later," Kakashi tells him. He has a feeling he's going to be saying that a lot in the future.

"In the meantime, I will reiterate that this is to remain secret," Lord Third admonishes, looking straight at Sasuke. "And if it helps keep you properly focussed, consider this your next mission. A B-rank infiltration of each other's lives. Guard your secret as if your lives depend on it – because they could."

"Lord Hokage?" Sakura questions.

He offers her a grim smile. "It isn't only outsiders who might take advantage of your…condition. Don't allow them to."

"If this is such a big security issue, why don't you just send us all to a secure facility and tell people we're on a long-term mission until we're fixed?" Sasuke asks.

"Because we're genin," Sakura answers, "and our missions aren't supposed to last more than a few days. People would notice."

"And...can you imagine you four, locked away somewhere for longer than a week?" Kakashi points out.

His students give a collective shudder.

"As we learn more about the situation, we will amend our approach," Lord Hokage says. "Until then..." He trails off, orders already given, then gestures at Naruto and Condor. "You two, stay here. We have arrangements to make. The rest of you should go. I have no doubt you're tired from your journey, and you have your own preparations to make."

With that, he turns and heads back to his desk, ostensibly to begin notifying Condor's owner and calling in backup. Inoichi gives Kakashi one last commiserating look and joins the Hokage in his search for a cryptologist to be sent for immediately.

Kakashi sighs.

This is going to be fun…

つづく

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#sandaime is a wise ass #naruto fanfiction #walk a mile #bodyswap #sasuke uchiha #naruto uzumaki #sakura haruno #condor the ninja ostrich #kakashi hatake #inoichi is not amused #humour #big damn plot

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gyrlversion · 6 years ago

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Drone that BARKS could replace shepherds trusty sheepdog

The sheepdog has been a staple of the countryside for thousands of years.

But a barking drone could soon replace farmers’ best friend.

Ranch owners in New Zealand can now buy a $3,500 DJI Mavic Enterprise drone with an in-built microphone and speaker to allow a dog’s bark to be recorded and played back to herd livestock.

youtube

Farmers already use drones to more efficiently find water leaks and count their livestock but now animals can be herded without the use of a dog.

Adam Kerr, a drone specialist from New Zealand’s drone retailer, DJI Ferntech, told RadioNZ more farmers were turning to drones to do ‘dirty’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘dull’ jobs.

And while an older cow might try to lunge at a dog who gets too close they never lunge at drones, according to Corey Lambeth, a shepherd on a North Canterbury sheep and beef farm near Rotherham.

The latest drone model, the $3,500 DJI Mavic enterprise, has a built in microphone and speaker system which means a dog’s bark can play out across a field.

While an older ewe might try to lunge at a dog who gets too close they never lunge at drones, according to Corey Lambeth, a shepherd on a North Canterbury sheep and beef farm near Rotherham

The latest drone model, the $3,500 DJI Mavic enterprise, has a built in microphone and speaker system which means a dog’s bark can play out across a field from the flying device

Mr Lambeth said covering a vast amount of land to check water supplies and livestock is easier with a drone.

He said: ‘Also when we’re lambing we can fly it round. It’s ideal with the camera zoom, going right in, looking at the drone monitor, not even disturbing the ewes.’

Despite the efficiency of a barking drone, dogs have not quite lost their jobs as the technology can be affected by wind and bad weather.

Brett Velicovich, Strategic Advisor at White Fox Defence, told Mail Online: ‘The DJI Mavix Enterprise system is super loud for such a small speaker.

‘When you’re talking about the speaker system you get 30 minutes of flight time. There is limitation but every year the systems get better and batteries last longer.’

Farmers already use drones to more efficiently find water leaks and count their livestock but now animals can be herded without the use of a dog

Farming is the industry that will benefit most from drone technology, according to Mr Velicovich.

He added: ‘There are different industries using drones now such as construction. But a survey asking who would benefit most from the technology found it was farmers.

‘They can use a drone to spray crops. It is meant to take the place of crop spraying airplanes.

‘It is cheap, automated and will spray pesticides and capture every inch of the farmer field for the one or two hours.

‘It’s incredibly cheap to do things that would otherwise take days to do. I’ve seen people herding sheep, trying to look for wild boar which try to kill farmers stock.

‘It makes sense for farmers. The issue has been primarily that they do not understand the technology and they are afraid of it.

‘As more farmers hear about it they’re testing it more. Farmers like to walk their crops so it’s scary to think this will take the place of the farmer.

‘But the point is to make the job easier and efficient. We’ll see more use of that as the technology gets better.’

It comes as drones are expected to become a regular sight as outdoor jobs are made more efficient by the use of a small flying camera.

Ranch owners in New Zealand can now buy drones with an in-built microphone and speaker to allow a dog’s bark to be recorded and played back to herd livestock

Contractors will start using drones to monitor building sites and search for risks, according to Construction Dive.

The only alternative for detailed images of a job site is hiring a helicopter to fly above.

Ryan Moret, of McCarthy Building Cos, said: ‘We started out using drones for things like windows and steel inspections.

‘In those cases, instead of putting someone in a manlift, having to do tie-offs and exposing them to fall hazards — not to mention the cost of equipment rental — we can fly a drone around a building, take close-up photos and if we see anything we can tag the location to deal with it.’

Despite drones improving the lives of those who work outside and need to be able to see vast amounts of space or a large building quickly, the technology wreaked havoc in airports last year.

Rules for flying a drone in the UK include keeping it in sight at all times and never flying it above 400ft.

And a drone cannot be flown near an airport or airfield due to the damage it can do to aircraft if it was to cross paths with a plane.

How drones have caused chaos at airports this year

Drones can cause chaos when they are manned close to an airport.

Heathrow airport closed for around 20 minutes following an incident in 2017 as concerns were raised that drone pilots were deliberately trying to film close encounters with aircraft.

And in October last year, it was reported that a drone ‘put 130 lives at risk’ after nearly hitting an aircraft approaching the airport over the summer.

According to the UK Airprox Board, the flying gadget passed directly over the right wing of the Airbus A319 as it was preparing to land at the West Sussex airport in July.

In December a suspected drone crashed into a passenger plane in Mexico – ripping holes into the front of the craft as it attempted to land in Tijuana.

The crew on board the Aeromexico Boeing 737-800 had to request help in order to land the mauled aircraft after hearing a ‘very strong blow’.

In October, a drone collided with a commercial aircraft as it was approaching to land in Canada.

There were six passengers and two crew on the aircraft and the drone connected with its wing, but fortunately it suffered only minor damage, allowing it to land safely at Jean Lesage International Airport in Quebec City.

In June a Virgin Atlantic Boeing Dreamline avoided crashing into a drone by just 16ft (5m), in the nearest miss in British aviation history.

At the time, Virgin said: ‘It’s vital that action is taken to regulate the use of drones near airports, and we urge the government to consider further proposals.’

Two months later a drone, flying higher than the 400ft limit, came within 50ft (15m) of hitting a Boeing 737 that was landing at Stansted Airport.

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starringemiliaclarke · 7 years ago

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Recap: "Game of Thrones" - 7.02 'Stormborn'

Be a Dragon.

Or perhaps it’s Princess That Was Promised? Experienced translator Missandei corrects Melisandre’s prophecy description.

So Arya continues her journey home. You know if she actually makes it to Winterfell, she’s going to be super pissed if Jon is gone and she’s stuck with Sansa.

This sounds like great plan! Too bad it all goes to hell in just a few minutes. But great!

Recap: “Game of Thrones” – 7.02 ‘Stormborn’ was originally published on Enchanting Emilia Clarke

#emilia clarke #game of thrones #game of thrones cast #GOT cast #daenerys targaryen #me before you #terminator

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