#with that being said. dont look if itll upset you girl !

[traumadotwav]

she didnt tell me when the worker was leaving which like fine whatever i can figure that out myself its just bafflingly rudeness all the time, i step out to get like water and food and see shes thrown a bunch of like paper patterns of mine away when i had already put them away so im taking them out of the trash its like a new bag so she did this after i went into my room under the impression that he was going to be looking at the window and roof not be outside my door working on the heater for three hours otherwise i would have pre-coffeed and snack, i breakfast'd before then but even that had been like a fight, so its dead silent and warm in the house from her running the heater and the guy running it like its off now i turn the a/c back on like its not as wildly warm as it was the other days but its still like 75+ im wearing a mask cause there was worker in the house and my mom kept being like are you wearing the mask cause of me or cause of the guy and i fully just boggled at her for a bit while she repeated that and was finally like because there was another person here and she asked again and i was like ? repeats what i said ? like are you on something girl gdfgdgfd and im trying to make coffee and she crowding me telling me about something that im pretty sure did not happen with the neighbor and their dog being in the backyard i didnt hear a Single thing from that and even if it did i dont particularly care over like the construction happening in the house and still like that she kept lying about the kind that would be here today and im just like okay throughout it and she then Finally started to tell me about the home improvement people and being like oh they said theyll have to put a grill vent over your door and i was like why would they do that my room doesnt go anywhere youd only do that if my room wasnt getting heat, it does, a lot, i have to seal off the ceiling ducts in the winter or my room just with the heater on gets into the 80s we need ventilation in the bathroom and side vents in main parts of the house and insulation and the windows done and like i know shes just saying that to get a rise out of me, if they put a vent in the hall itll be like in the center where the duct actually is or over the bathroom like over my door is just wall into a room ?? and then after i had engaged a little bit with saying over my door is just the wall to the room theres no duct there? like again shes just saying stuff but im baffled by that like yeah in older houses there are vents like that but it would serve no purpose it would be high out of reach to a room with two ceiling vents already hkfjh but i did engage a little bit and she was all like hehe they said theyre going to give us a modern new furnance im going to fight them so we can keep our old one and i was literally like fully just why would you do that gdgdfg and she was like ours is just so big theyll replace it with an energy efficient one and she said it like gagging like and i was just again boggling at her like yeah one that would cost less to run and run better???????????? one that is silent and made for the size of the house????? like shes only saying all this to upset me and she was doing so much "cleaning" at me like yeah the guy doing the work really needed you to throw my shoes in one big pile i think he was offering to look at the internal a/c which we have never used its like in the attic in needs of repair and she was talking him out of looking this time and then as im making coffee she was like what do you want to eat, for like dinner, and its like im making coffee right now gdgdfg and she was like suggests a thing im looking forward to and i was like oh yes lets do that and she was then like Actually Im Going To Do Something Else and that something else is fine its just like, okay, gdfgfdgd

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Nightmare part 2 (Part one here)

Dont repost anywhere online or print reblog snd feedbacks are welcome.

Warningw are angst a whole lotta angst steve thinking the reader(female wanted to hurt herself she doesnt) Steve being a Shmuck and thick headed. Steve completely missing the points.. so hes basically acting like a man lol

-----------------------------------------------

"It wasn't that,"   I paused.  Trying to figure out how to expain this to Sam in this "counciling session" on an empty flior witj two odly shapped red couches, modern isn't word maybe avant gauard. They face eachother and almost come to a point at one end which is why or how rather Sam and he4 were so close together I know steves job. I qlways knew it and it wasn't  that. I wouldn't have even dated him if that was an issue. I mean it's  sorta like being a cop but he comes back to me dirty and bloody its not even the dirt. Its the blood. Like ," I paused and its his blood. Its not like he says its not my blood. He just i hate seeing him covered in blood walking around like it's....paint from working at a preschool with kids. And the way he treats me. I felt like he more or less pushed valium on me. I mean i know if I had said no he would've gone ok but then listed why I shud take it Nd hiw itll help make me feel better. Like I just give in not wanting the conversation because its not the conversation I want to have with him even this he just told you he didn't  talk to me first rhat you should talk to sam hes a counselor or talk to someone like he thought I was going to kill myself and this is hw he handles it. Know I know why he goes through girlfriends. Man doesn't freaking talk." Sam just kinda stared at me listening and nodding. "God I'm sorry Sam," I dropped my shoulder and put my head in my hands. "I know you and Steve are best friends and I dont mean to talk about your best friends like that it's just frustrating. I feel like we're  playing a game of freaking telephone i say something he tell you then you tell me theen I tell tou and you'll tell him and then hell talk to me i mean it's  just." I was getting frustratingly upset.... if that's even a word. "Hold up. First I'm  not going to tell Steve shit. As far as I'm concerned  this session is between you qnd me. You could tell me you killed someone and I'd  say nothing ok. And secondly. You're  right. Steve should have talked to you. And he never shohld pressure you to take meds. The dude's intense. If you feel like you need to give in to him or else. It's not healthy. Look I love Steve like you said he's  my best friend and as much as I... your relationship isn't  just about him. It's about you too. And if you can't  handle it you can't  no one will blame you or fault you. Especially Steve.

"Sam you dont get it. He." I swollow  "I mean we're living togeather. I thought it was fast. But I'd felt so happy around him and I thought I wanted that all the time but it's it's  not like that." "Did you tell him how you feel?" "Oh yea sam that make sense. How many hydra ya kill save any  hotigaes by the way btween you relaxing for 12 hours mission deprefeffibg and then the next brief  and sleeping and eating cause you you leave again in two days need to tell you you gotta talk to me diffrent. Bye have fun.' When do I talk to him?"

"You need to look I know Steve he doesn't want yiu to be unhaply. He's  doing what he thinks is good for you. But if its not you need to tell him."

"How. Can he join us? Like here come to one?" Sam sat up to tell her no. "Well I-" "Friday where is Steve?" "Captain Rogers is in the gym." "Can you have him come up to meet me and Sam?"

Sam watched as Steve entered the room and  she started to shrink a bit. Her shoulders dripped a little she curled up a bit. Even after Steve gave her a kiss. Before sitting on the couch across from Sam.  "What the hell is going on here?" He thought watching the strong girl who insisted Steve come dissapeared. "How's  it going? How do you feel babe?" While Steve had his hand on her leg and looked at her briefly he immediately looked at Sam.  She watched the scene. Sam gestured to her She looked at Sam, who only provided two words- “Go on" "Steve, wa-" she took a deep breath looking at the floor. "Why didn't  you talk to me and go right to Sam?" "Well you said-" "I’m not suicidal. I was talking about us. I-" she paused and sighed, "I dont think I can do," she took a breath "us anymore. You didn't even think to talk to me? And you just." She looked at Steve and he was just taking in the information. And trying not to show how hurt he is. Another girlfriend leaving. "Steve you, you just. I felt like you forced the valium on me and didnt give me a chance to think. And everytime I say no it's  an argument and its besides the fact that it woudir wouldnt help. I just felt like I had to give in. I had to take it. But this Steve?" She gestured. "This is  beyond ridiculous. And you don't get it don't get how... isolating things can get either I everyone hates me the agents treat me like a, I dont know and, your teemates?" she finally turned and looked up at Steve  and sighed,  "I mea. Minus Sam I- Steve no on wants me here." She starts to tear up. "That's not true." "Steve you don't  see it. "The other agents just stop talking when I'm around. Someone told me your other girlfriends got agents in trouble and on desk duty so they're scared me of me practically or mad I don't know all I know if I'm universally ignored... by everyone." Steve opened his mouth to say something but she continued, "And the rest of your "team mates"," she used air quotes, " the avengers. I see how they look at me. Tony side eying me, Nat is constantly sizing me up. I know Bruce is quiet anyway and Clints been nice but I haven't really seen him. Haven't met Thor so..." She leaned back and crossed her arms with a huff. "Well I-" Steve didnt know what to say. His eyes were blinking.  The only thought  that he had was- "So that's it its over?" She rolled her eyes, "That's what you took from the whloe thing is that we're over?"

She rolled her eyes, "That's what you took from the whle thing is that we're over?" "Well yes." His eyes were wide unable to understand why she didnt understand his concern was for her to be with her fuck the of the team, screw the other agents. He wanted her to stay. Her mouth dropped open in disbelief. And Sam could see she was getting angry and Steve was missing the points. "Ok lets take a breather. Steve she was saying that she feels alone not welcome which we can address with the team later,” Sam looked her way with an assuring nod. “But, did you hear what she said about what you did by comming to me?" "Yea that she meant it was us and not her." "So you 100% thought she was going to harm herself?" "Yes I -I mean she never..." "Never what Steve?" "Never said she was unhappy with us and  when I heard her say she couldnt do it anymore I was scared terrified that I'd  come back one day and find her on the floor. I've" Steve turned to her, took her hand which she allowed. He moved towards her and caressed her cheek. "I've lost so many people. I've  lost so many soilders or have had them wounded and then now agents get hurt and we lost them sometimes, I lose them but I can't lose you.  And the thought of you being scared snd unhappy to the point where youd end you was terrifing. Morr than anything.  Friday wouldn't know if you took a razor or too many pills. And I'd walk in from a mission and find you gone id never be able to forgive myself. So the first thing I thought was to get you help and I know you and Sam do get along and he's  my best friend. And I love you." "So you thought shouving a pill down my throat was ok?" "I know Valiums helps people and if yoh were sleeping you couldnt hurt yourself while I was at the briefing. "But Steve if you really thought It was that bad why didn't you talk to me?" "I didn't want to waste any time. Time is too precious to me." She "Then why are you never there?" She was raising her voice,  "And You thought shoving a pill-" "Lets all just calm down," he turned to Steve,  "Why didn't you ask her what she meant. And she said she feels like you are very, well what did you say?" "Distant at time. Forceful and you dont think about me. And you're always gone." Steve for once has no idea what to say. "You're overwheling Steve. It can be too much for me." "How am I overwhelming and always gone?"

[happys-crazy-queen22]

A Fling With A Surprise

Gif credit @stilinski-ortiz-dolan

Gif credit @bodybebangin.

Requested by @stellarosedutton. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for the request.

My first Walker and Colby imagine. I hope it's okay.

"Go get grandpa". Your daughter, Amethyst Rose squealed running on her wobbly feet. She had just started walking and she is now on the go all the time.

"Paaaa". She stumbled and fell but got right back up.

"She's like her momma, doesnt cry when she falls". John chuckled as he picked her up. 

"Yeah, I was taught to be strong". You smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Your husband is down at the barn". John said looking away. He wasnt to fond of Walker. No one really was. But you saw something in him that no one else saw.

"I was just heading that way. Amethyst has a doctors appointment". You say before walking to the barn. Your father took Amethyst into the main house to spoil her even more than she is.

"Hey beautiful". Walker spoke before you even got into the barn.

"How do you always do that"? You giggle wrapping your arms around his waist from behind.

"I know your foot work".

"You ready? We gotta be there in thirty minutes".

"Yeah, let me go change my shirt and I'll meet you at the car". He kissed your temple and started to the cowboys bunk.

Going back up to the main house, you saw Colby talking with your father and Rip. Then you heard screaming and giggling coming down the steps of the house. Tate was chasing Amethyst and ran right past Colby.

You might think nothing of it but Amethyst is Colbys. You had a fling with him one night and never spoke about it since but then you got pregnant and just never told anyone that she was his. Then you met Walker when you were six months pregnant, got married four months later and he's been Amethyst dad. Oh I didnt mention that Colby never knew I was pregnant, I hid it from my family until I met Walker.

"Amethyst". You called after her and ran scooping her up. "Thanks for watching her dad.  I'll see you later". You didn't look at Colby as you walked away but his eyes were on Amethyst.

"Y/N, hold up". Colby called after you and now the cat was out of the bag.

"Yeah"? You gulped as he came closer. Amethyst laid her head on your shoulder sleepily.

"I know this might be off but um is she mine"? Colby scratched his chin, just gazing at Amethyst.

"Yeah".

"Why didnt you tell me"? Colby asked. He was wasnt upset or angry.

"You didnt speak to me after we hooked up. So I figured you were just ignoring me and staying away".

"It was awkward. Rip found me coming in late and I told him. He knows about us".

"I know. No one else knows. Not even Walker. I'd like to keep it that way. I don't want any riff between the two of you".

"So I'm supposed to let Walker raise my daughter"? Colby scoffed.

"She's my daughter". Walker scared you both. You seriously needed to work on your tracking.

"No, she's mine. I didnt get the chance to be there for her cause I didnt know". Colby protested.

"I'm on the birth certificate. She calls me daddy. I'm not confusing her. So stay away". Walker warned Colby but Colby being Colby and not backing down. Colby threw the first punch and smashed his fist into Walkers jaw.

Walker stumbled but striked back hitting Colby in the nose. You covered your daughters eyes.

John and Rip tried pulling the cowboys apart but they weren't letting each other go.

"Walker stop". You yelled. This was not how it was supposed to go when it happened or if at all.

A gun shot rang through the air. Rip stood there with his gun pointed to the sky. Colby and Walker panting. Their shirts ripped, faces mangled.

"Colby, get out of here now".

"But-". Colby tried to protest but Rip wasnt having it".

"Now".

"Get him out of here, Y/N". Your father told you and you grabbed Walkers hand pushing him into the car. The doctors appointment would have to wait.

Arriving at your house, you laid Amethyst down and patched up Walker.

"Why didnt you tell me"?

"It wasn't your business. Plus I didnt want to make it worse for you than it already is".

"It is my business. I'm your husband. I'm her father". Walker hissed when you put peroxide on his wound.

"I know. But now I'm thinking I should've told him. Gave him a chance to be a father figure in her life".

"I'm her damn father. No man is going to replace me". Walker hit the table. You jumped, you never seen him this mad. Walker got up and stormed out, slamming the door. Waking Amethyst.

You had to go see Colby. It wasnt right not having him know and now you felt guilty. Heading back to the ranch, giving Walker time to cool down. You went and saw Colby.

"Hey". You stepped threw the door. Rip, Ryan and Colby were talking.

"We're just leaving". Rip spoked, nodding to Ryan.

They came to you and Rip picked up Amethyst. "I'll take this". Rip said with a chuckle. Ryan giggled. They both adored her.

"You okay"? You bit the inside of your cheek.

"You should have told me. I would have been there". Colby sighed.

"I didnt know that. I was young. We both were. But that's no excuse. I should've told you". You walked over to the table and sat down beside him.

"I'm not trying to replace Walker as her father. I just want to be part of her life. She looks like me".

"She does. Has a smaller head then you though". You tease. Colby gasped and nudged your arm.

"I want to be there for her. Like I could babysit when you and Walker need a break. I just want her to know me. I dont have to be her dad. I can be an uncle".

"Yeah. She'd like that". You say with a smile.

"Can I be honest"? Colby looked into your eyes.

"Of course".

"When I saw her coming out of the house. I thought I was in a dream. It wasn't real. Like this little girl looked just like me. I was scared when you said she was mine. I wasnt ready to be a dad. I guess you saved yourself a hassle. Walker stepped up and I'm grateful for that cause he's probably doing a better job than I would have. I'm just not ready to take on that responsibility. I'm a horrible person". Colbys head hung low.

"Colby, you're not a bad person. I'm glad you told me this.  I'm relieved to say the least. She'll be honored to have you as an uncle. We'll just keep this between us six. No one else has to know". Your squeezed his arm.

"Thanks. I'm sorry".

"Nothing to be sorry over. We just deal with the hand we're dealt with. I'm a mom to an amazing little girl. You're going to be an awesome uncle".

"What about Walker? He'll kill me".

"Dont worry about him. I'll take care of that". You say with a smile. "But I need you to put those uncle skills to the test". You said with a smirk.

"Oh god, what have I gotten myself into"? Colby chuckled, shaking his head.

Deciding to leave Amethyst with Colby and the others for a few hours, you headed home. Hopefully by now Walker has cooled off.

Walking into the house, it was quiet. But you heard some rustling in the bedroom.

"Babe"? You called out, coming into the bedroom. Walker was laying on the bed shirtless and his pants unbuckled as if he was going to bed.

"Where's Amethyst"? Walker asked, taking the rolled up toilet paper from his nose.

"She's with her uncles".

"And her new daddy". Walker scoffed. "You here to get your things and move in with him"?

"No, you dipshit. I'm here to tell you that you're the only daddy she will ever know. Colby doesnt want that role. He's uncle Colby. He's thankful that you stepped up and took care of her. Of us". You replied, getting on the bed and sitting up beside him.

"He wouldnt just do that. He's crazy if he did".

"Baby, he got scared when he found out that she was his. He was just putting on a show. He doesnt want to ruin her life. You're daddy and he's uncle Colby. We're fine. Theres only six of us that know and we're all keeping quiet. Amethyst has a great thing going, none of us want to ruin it". You kiss his check quickly.

"Sorry, I got angry. I just didn't want him to step in and take away our bond. I didn't want to lose my family ".

"You're forgiven and you're never going to lose us". You moan, running your hand down Walkers chest, slipping your hand down his pants. "He's promised to babysit when we need a break". You whisper into Walkers ear as you nip at his ear lobe.

"I'm liking uncle Colby". Walked flipped you over on your back, his hands went to your clothed breast, squeezing them and then raking his fingers down your torso.

"Come here". You grabbed Walker by the back of his neck and pulled him to your lips. Walker shimmied out of his jeans and pulled your dress up around your hips.

"I love you so much". He grunted into the kiss as he pushed your panties to the side and thrusted in you.

"Fuck. I love you". You gasp, as he lifts your leg over his shoulder and thrusts in deep. He kissed up and down your leg. Your fingers pinch your hard nipple through your bra.

"Mmm. We should give Amethyst a sibling". Walker said way out of the blue.

"You serious"? You panted, licking your lips.

"Why not"?

"No reason". Your head fell back as the tip of Walkers cock, brushed against your gspot.

"I'm taking that as a yes". He growled, speeding up his pace. He wrapped his arm your neck and kissed you deeply with passion and lust. This little break, you could get use to it.

While Walker and you were deciding on a sibling or not. Amethyst was having the time of her life. Colby was playing tea party with her and making mud pies. He was making mud pies. She was throwing them at her other uncles as they watch.

"She's going to need a bath. A hosing off before she goes home". Lloyd chuckled.

"I'm not sure I'm fit for that. I agreed on watching her. Not putting her in water and trying not to let her drown". Colby said a little scared. The others laughed.

"Just take the water hose and rinse her off. Itll be alright". Ryan suggested.

Colby of course listens to them and starts to wash Amethyst off, well he lays the water hose down and she happily picks it up and starts spraying everyone. Theres laughter and screaming as they got sprayed.

"What's going on here"? Walker came up to the water hose party.

"He did it". Ryan, Lloyd and Jimmy all pointed to Colby who was soaked from head to toe.

"Great job". Walker shaked his head. Colby frowns. "Baby, put down the hose, please". Walker walked slowly up to Amethyst and snatched the hose away.

"I'm sorry. I'm not fit for this". Colby sighed.

"No. You're not. But she's having fun and she's alive. That's all that matters. Y/N and I have a date night every Friday night. You're going to watch Amethyst for us. Just try and not burn down our house". Walker laughed, sticking out his hand.

Colby smiled and shook it. "No promises.  Thanks Walker".

"Sure. Oh and clean this mess up. See y'all tomorrow". Walker picked up his muddy little girl and headed home. This was the life for everyone. Didnt matter how it got this way. It just is and theres no use in fixing something that isn't broke.

[tylerwritez]

TUESDAY JULY 13 10:42 A.M.

JUDE IS BACK FROM HIS HIATUS!!!!

One thing I think I will no longer be doing is writing down negative feelings and thoughts and... leaving them there. No. Next time I vent, I delete it right after.

If you want something to be sad over, you'll find something. But if you GENUINELY ATTEMPT to be happy, you will be.

So try harder.

Also, my new phone background is a collage thing of me and my friends at Rebecca's house.

I originally did it as this cool way to remember my besties XD but now it also kinda helps my #SelfEsteem because whenever I think my face is ugly, I look at my phone background and I'm like "that's what you look like, no filter, nothing" and it makes me happier because in that background image I just see a boy being stupid with his friends and I sorta smile like "yeah, that IS what I look like, no filter"

I like it cos, those pictures were taken without me doing anyhting to try and look better, so I KNOW that's like. How I REALLY look. And tbh? Not that bad.

I don't even really mind my smile lines anymore. Cos they're from SMILING!!! means I'm a happy guy.

ALSO I THINK I PASS IN MY BACKGROUND? because I'm that kinda of ugly that says "male" yk, especially next to my friends who are girls/nonbinary I just seem so Boy idk its gender... the photo set is very Gender for my face XDDD THIS IS REALLY STUPID

oh well. Positivity only now, babes.

Also! You may have noticed my HIATUs from posting!!! Yeah, I'll still post, and I'll update y'all on my life... but NOT DAILY... I don't really have the time for that.

I'll do it maybe whenever I feel like, but I'll try and stick to weekly, biweekly, idk, whenever I feel like I should talk about my life, whenever things happen.

Right now I'm actually on a roadtrip!!!

We just spent a day on all the amusement park rides at the Calgary Stampede!! It was AWESOME.

Also we have spent time in #nature and I'm COLLECTING! ROCKS! >:) THEY ARE WAY COOLER OUTSIDE MY HOMETOWN JUST SAYING...

Maybe I'll find a hagstone.

So far no, I've only found cool stripey ones but no hagstones.

Maybe I'm not meant to find a hagstone. Maybe whatever gives me my good luck is protection enough.

ACTUALLY, ON THAT NOTE, I HAVEN'T STOLEN ANYTHING FOR THIS WHOLE TRIP... SO LIKE 1 OR 2 WEEKS. WHICH IS CRAZY!!! PROUD OF MYSELF :)

ALSO I HAVEN'T CUT MYSELF FOR LIKE A MONTH MAYBE(?) WHICH IS SO WOW.

see? I can totally do this! You'll see.

Lately I haven't been stressing AT ALL. like. So much happiness and fun, out on my roadtripppp!

I have had a few stressors.... but like. I've done my best to push them aside, because I know it'll be better not to think about them.

Like, I'm starting to think all my unhappiness cOMES FROM THINKING ABOUT MY STRESSORS TOO MUCH... OVERTHINKING.

However, if I tell myself "don't worry, you'll find a way, you always do" and then try n forget, I'm so much happier.

Here are my current #stressors... since everyone loves some drama (I'm listing em)

1. I MIGHT LOSE MY VIRGINITY UHHHH AND IM NERVOUS AND IDK IF I SHOULD OR WHAT ITLL  FEEL LIKE OR IF I SHOULD WAIT.... AAAAAAAA IDK ITS KINDA SCARY COS WHAT IF IT HURTS A LOT... WHAT IF IT FUCKS ME UP. IDK. I KNOW NOTHING.

2. MY STEALING + CUTTING ISSUES... LIKE. I'M ADDICTED???? AND OFC IM HAPPY I MANAGE TO GET BY WITHOUT IT BUT SOMETIMES ITS VERY HARD. TO RESIST. YOUR URGES.

man if that god guy is real I bet hes happy with me (or I guess god can be a girl, or nonbinary, or maybe is not male but still uses he/him, or maybe DOESNT use he him pronouns and we are fuckig it up???? Idk I will just say "he")

(I doubt god has a gender tho lol. He made man and woman in his image yeah? So then.... uh.... he would be intersex(?)

Personally I think god has No genitals at all and No gender either. But then again, I dont even believe in a god...)

ALL IM SAYING IS. IF GOD WAS REAL. THEY WOULD PROBABLY BE PLEASED THAT I AM. RESISTING SIN? SO WELL.

... cos cutting yourself IS a sin....

That used to upset me so much dude. I read this bible passage... and it would be CONSTANTLY referenced. Your body is a temple. Its sinful to harm your body. Its sinful to use drugs, is what they said at school, but like. What about other types of intentional harm? Sin. Sinful.

I used to be so invested in that Catholicism shit, man. And afterward, after I. Did the cutting. I'd be covered in half dried sticky blood. I'd smell the metallic smell so strongly.... because I bled out A LOT... its incredible to me honeslty, how such minor styros and occasional light fat cuts can gush out so MUCH blood. It's a lot. It's more than you'd expect from a little cut. The cuts pool up with blood and then overflow.

It trickles down your legs.

But I'd be patching myself up afterward (basically tryna clean the blood, stop the bleeding, make sure I didnt bleed out onto my sheets and dirty them in my sleep... make sure I didnt leave evidence) and I'd think to myself "this is a sin, I am a sinner..."

Ofc my stupid ass was constantly begging for forgiveness, praying, reading the bible, blah blah, please I just wanna serve you, please help me, please...

What a pathetic state to be in most of my junior high years HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD XDDDDD LMAOOOO LMFAOOOOOO ROFLLLLL

like. I had a corner of the school I used SPECIFICALLY to cry.

How sad...

BUT NOW IM IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!! AND I AM PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE

0 CRYING SPOTS

MANY MAKING OUT SPOTS

like woah its almost like. I dont have to suffer at all.

I'm winning now.

W. What was I talking about before I started rambling. Idk. I forget. Oh well.

POSITIVITY ONLY BABES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ILL KEEP YALL UPDATED I SWEAR

SIGNING OFF,

JUDE SHEPARD

[missnight0wl]

Hide-and-seek

Summary: Sometimes, friends develop weird habits that only they can really appreciate. Helena and Bill, for example, like to play hide-and-seek around the castle.

Note: Semi-requested? Definitely inspired by @saintlester ‘s comment from this post:

So I thought: why not? Hope you’ll like it!

Words: 960

Spring, 1986

“Hey, Weasley!” someone called Bill in the corridor. The redhead turned around to see a Gryffindor from a year below. “You got a note from the cursed kid,” he said, giving him a piece of paper.

“Her name is Helena,” Bill remarked, frowning.

“Right, sorry.” The boy got slightly embarrassed and disappeared as soon as his older colleague had taken the message.

I’m in the Courtyard. Come find me. – Helena, it said.

Bill thought it’s a tad weird, but he had some free time, so he decided to go to the specified location. After he arrived, however, there was no sign of his friend. He even asked some students about her, though nobody had seen her. He was about to leave when he noticed Ravenclaw robes sticking out from behind the pillar. He went around it to find Helena squatting.

She beamed, lifting her head. “Congratulations, you found me!”

“What are you talking about?” he chuckled.

“You know, like in hide-and-seek,” she explained. “You seemed so stress out about your studies and the whole prefect talk, that I figured it’ll be good for you to take a break…”

“Well, you could’ve just told me that.”

Helena’s smile faded a bit. “Yeah, but I thought it’d be more fun that way…” she said hesitantly. “Are you mad at me?”

Bill looked in her upset eyes. He never could be angry at his siblings for long, even at the foster ones. “Of course, I’m not,” he replied, gently tousling her hair.

December 1986

Helena glanced once more at the note from Bill. We need to talk. Come find me in the Great Hall. She assumed it had to be about the Vaults, there was quite a lot going on in that matter recently. Nevertheless, the prefect was not present there, at least not at the Gryffindors table. It was Christmas season already, and she was slightly distracted by all the decorations which had appeared in the castle, but then, Bill was rather hard to miss.

While she was looking closely at each person again, she noticed Charlie Weasley watching her. They weren’t really close despite being in the same year. However, since she was spending more time with Bill, she also got to know his younger brother a little better, so she waved at him friendly. He returned the gesture and pointed his head at one of the Christmas trees. The girl raised her eyebrows questioningly, yet the redhead just repeated the previous sign. Eventually getting a hint, Helena went in that direction and checked behind the giant fir.

“What? It’s not fair!” said startled Bill. “How did you find me so quickly? I just saw you entering the Hall…” He paused because he spotted another Weasley laughing surreptitiously. “Damn you, Charlie.”

“Nice hideout,” Helena pointed out, smirking.

“Yeah, it could’ve been… So how you’re doing?” he asked with concern. “I’ve heard about your brother’s room and the Boggart.”

“Oh, I’m surprisingly fine. Thanks for asking,” she replied blithely, yet the Gryffindor didn’t seem to quite believe her.

“Well, I was hoping to occupy you for longer,” he started. “Y’know, maybe focus more on festive spirit. But since someone decided to ruin the fun, maybe we could go to Hogsmeade this weekend?”

She nodded enthusiastically. “Sounds good to me!”

“Then it’s settled. Perhaps I should try to bring that traitor too…” Bill peeked at Charlie. “If you don’t mind, that is.”

“Not at all. The more, the merrier, as they say.”

When Helena started the whole hide-and-seek game, she actually thought about the times she had played it with Jacob back at home. She got a feeling Bill must’ve figured it out, and she was really grateful for that – especially during such moments like holidays.

Spring, 1987

It was insufferable to see Bill being so heartbroken. He was trying to keep up appearances, but Helena would rather be around him – just in case. Simultaneously, she was trying to give him some space, even though it turned out to be pretty hard.

“Bill, you can’t do it to yourself…” she said finally. “She’s an awful girl, and you have to be above that…”

The Gryffindor sighed and closed his book. He started packing his many notes. ”I don’t really want to talk about it, Helen,” he said blandly.

He stood up and left his friend without a word. She felt remorseful, but then she noticed a small card left on the table, so she picked it up. She recognised Bill’s handwriting.

Count to a hundred and come find me. I’ll be on the first floor (I might be still in the Library).

Autumn, 1987

“Helen! Where are you?!”

Bill was seriously panicked. Not only he lost his brother in the Forbidden Forest, but now also his friend seemed to be missing. Great job at being the responsible one.

“I’m right here!” Helena emerged from behind the bushes. “I thought I saw Charlie, but it wasn’t him.”

“Well, WHAT WAS IT?” he asked, his eyes widening.

The girl shrugged. “I don’t know. Some animal?”

“Helen, every creature here might kill you. You can’t be so airy about it.”

“I’m not,” she frowned. “It simply ran away before I knew it, that’s all.”

“All right.” Bill calmed down a little. He didn’t want to make her nervous too. “Just, don’t wander off anymore, okay? For a second I got scared that you’ve decided to play hide-and-seek again…”

“Don’t give me ideas, Bill,” she teased him.

“Don’t. Just don’t.”

Helena kept her promise, and in future years she never hid in the Forbidden Forest. Still, they went back to their friendly habit when they were again together in Egypt, except this time, they were playing in the pyramids. It was driving Patricia Rakepick crazy.

[ultsracha]

Friends to Lovers w/ Eric (tbz)

Request: Anon -  Ok uuuh I’ve never requested before so idk how to word all this but could you maybe write some Eric (the boyz) catching feelings for his best friend and him trying to ask her out ?? And maybe like the other 00 liners making fun of him for being all soft :( I’m sorry I’m trash at explaining stuff <3 Have a wonderful day A/N: Thank you for requesting! im sorry that this isnt the best but i tried !  Warnings: mild angst & swearing

*He looks so teeny tiny in this gif ouchies my heart*

you and Eric had been friends for literally your whole lives 

all of your childhood memories had him in them 

running around the back yard? Eric was right behind you 

Learning how to ride a bike? This dude was the reason you had the courage to do it

So it was no surprise to everyone that all throughout school you stayed friends 

Joined at the hip every second you could be

In class you would sit together and help each other with the work

Of course you had your other friends, 11 of them who were all part of Eric’s band they called ‘The Boyz’ 

They accepted you into their group with open arms

Most nights after school were spent in the practice room with them 

Watching them dance and run around 

Eric always tried to get you involved but that’s a big, fat, nope 

But you literally had the best, best friend 

So, like every other day you’re sat at the lunch table waiting for Eric to get out of his class while you sat with Sunwoo and Hyunjoon 

“You coming stargazing with us tonight?” Sunwoo asks as he shoves a few grapes into his mouth

“Of course, I’ll bring some food if you guys want as well?” you replied

This wasn’t uncommon for you all, to go sit on Kevin’s roof with blankets and snacks and just look at the stars 

“Is Eric coming too?” You ask because let’s face it everything's more fun with him around 

“OoOOoooOOOOoooOOh ‘Is Eric coming too?’ oOOooOo” Hyunjoon teases, nudging your arm 

“Ah fuck off you know it’s not like that, we’ve been friends forever! I can’t go anywhere without him now” 

They both continued to tease and nudge you around until you saw Eric walking over 

As per the routine, you got up and met him halfway across the hall for a massive hug 

“Hey! What’s up? You’re bright red?” He asks after hugging you

“Ohhh nothing, just dumb and dumber trying to steal my last brain cell” you giggle as you both settle into your seats 

Eric draping his arm round your shoulders like he always does 

Sunwoo giving you a sly smirk like he a l w a y s does when you and Eric even look at each other

It wasn’t hard to understand why everyone gave you these looks

Most people assumed you were together

Even some of your family had suspicions because of how close you two were 

but you could only dream... 

This little crush you had started mid teens and had persisted ever since 

Now it was nearing the end of school and here you were, hopelessly in love 

Honestly it had just become a normal part of your life by now and that was okay, as long as you had him with you being your best friend. It was okay

“You’re coming to Kevins tonight yeah?” Eric mumbles into your ear 

Resisting the urge shiver you simply nod and turn away and continue to listen to the bickering of the boys 

After that the day goes on peacefully, Eric walks you to class and kisses your forehead before jogging to his own class 

The bus journey home you guys sit together and share earphones, taking it in turns to choose a song 

“I’ll see you later yeah?” You ask as you both get off the bus at your stop 

“Yeah I might be a bit late though, I’ve got some things to get done beforehand” he replies, throwing his bag over his shoulders 

“Alright, I’ll see you later then!” you start to wave goodbye and of course, as per usual he brings you in for a hug and to kiss your forehead 

and yet again your heart swells and you inwardly scream because why not your lips hm? 

Later that evening Sangyeon picks you up, with Sunwoo and Haknyeon already in the car

Sunwoo on the aux playing some random country music to annoy everyone 

It’s an amazing night to stargaze, you get to Kevins just at the end of sunset where the sky is mostly dark but a lilac hue still coats the edges of the sky

The stars already sparkling 

Kevins roof was your favourite place to be as he lived at the top of a hill, meaning the view of the city below could be seen 

As well as the roof itself having a large flat bit for everyone to cosy up together 

Most of the group are already there setting up blankets and pillows and the speaker

As expected Eric wasn’t there yet so you just dumped out all the snacks you gathered next to the speaker and went to speak to the host

“Did Eric tell you what he had to do tonight?” you ask, watching Kevin struggle to smooth out a massive blanket

“Yes but I’m not telling you, it’s a secret” he replies

“Why? What is it?” your heart starting to race

Did he have a girlfriend? Was he keeping her a secret? Was he bringing her tonight? 

Yes, that’s where your mind goes because, well every girl in the school would be lucky to have him 

“Y/N calm down he’s gone to get something for tonight, don’t worry he’s still your mans but not really your mans” he smirks, patting the top of your head and walking away

You just stand there blinking before realising what he even said, leading you to pursue him to where everyone was sat already 

“He’s not my ‘mans’ Kevin we all know he’s got every girl in the school whipped for him” you sigh, plopping yourself next to Jacob

who was munching on some chips 

“Y/N you’re kidding right?” Sunwoo smirks while Hyunjoon giggles lightly and nods 

“No I’m not, I’m honestly surprised he hasn't got a girlfriend already...” you mumble 

The sad truth being explained to your friends hurt but it wasn’t hard to see, he wasn’t in love with you 

“He has THE biggest crush on you Y/N how do you not see it?” 

You look up from your lap to see everyone nodding in agreement 

Who knew your friends would play such a prank on you

“This isn’t funny guys, you’re just teasing and it’s painful so please can we just change the subject?” 

lets be real it would always hurt knowing how everyone could see how in love you were but how obviously he wasn't 

“Seriously, everyday we see him he talks about how cute you look or how smart you are and how he can’t wait to show you this dance because he wants to impress you” Hyunjoon giggles while Changmin over dramatically nods 

“and how you smell nice all the time” Sunwoo adds rolling his eyes

“they boy’s whipped for you” Hyunjoon continues 

“It’s almost annoying how literally no one exists when you’re around because he’s so focused on you” 

Your heart has literally stopped 

Because ??? Eric???? liking you???? 

“Right let’s quit the teasing because we weren’t even meant to tell her so now you’re gonna have to explain to him about this” Sangyeon scolds the younger ones 

You just lay back into the pillows still not computing 

They have to be lying? He’s never shown any interest in you? 

You hear them still laughing about how your face looks when you’re shocked 

Jacob leans over to whisper “just ignore them, they’re rooting for you” 

You’re just lying on the roof, looking up to the sky with butterflies bursting your stomach and your heart beating like crazy in your chest when you hear Kevins bedroom window open 

“Hey guys, sorry I was late” Eric bursts through the window “I was just getting a few things” 

Everyone greets him but you stay silent, looking up at the sky because you were just TOO nervous to say anything

“You okay?” He asks you, laying down next to you and propping his head on his arm

“Yeah! Just looking at the stars” your voice betraying your panic

He just nods and rolls over to lie on his back next to you 

The night goes on as normal, everyone chatting, listening to music and enjoying the view 

You hop in the conversation every once in a while but the others seem to understand why you’re being more quiet 

Eric hardly speaks to you but never leaves your side, just lying next to you also in his in thoughts 

“What’s up?” You whisper to him after a while

“Just thinking about stuff” He whispers back shifting to lay on his side to look at you 

You look into his eyes and he looks,,, nervous?

“What you thinking about?” you ask, shifting to mirror his position 

“It’s nothing don’t worry Y/N” He replies shaking his head

“You know you can tell me anything Eric we’re best friends...” 

At this he sighs even more and stands up 

“What? What did I do?” You also stand 

He’s already climbing back through Kevins window 

Naturally you follow, heart beating out of your chest at the thought of Eric being upset with you

“Seriously whats wrong? Why can’t you tell me?” You follow him into the room

“Because if I tell you we can’t be friends and it’ll all go wrong so it’s better if I don’t say anything” 

“Why? We’re best friends we’ve always told each other everything whats changed?” 

“Will you please stop saying that?” He almost shouts and spins around to face you

You’ve never seen him this upset before 

Sunwoo and Hyunjoon were wrong, he doesn't love you he doesn't even want to be friends anymore

“Y-y-y-you don’t want to be friends with me anymore?” You splutter out,  tears already brimming in your eyes 

They were so wrong and they couldn't have said what they did at a worse time, giving you that small bubble of hope in your chest for it to be crushed an hour later 

“It’s not that I just....” he trails off, wringing his hands nervously 

“Then what Eric?” You burst into tears, heart almost breaking in that moment 

“Y/N I love you. Fuck. I’m sick of hiding it and being teased all the time for not having the courage to tell you. I fucking love you” 

The tears didn't stop when you rushed over and wrapped your arms around his neck 

Standing on your tiptoes to hug him you felt his arms wrap around your waist 

You both just stood there holding each other

His erratic breathing indicating he’s crying too

“I love you too Eric, so much, for so long” 

You just stayed put in his arms, him stroking the back of your head

“I didn’t believe them when they told me...” you giggle while pulling away to look at him

His eyes just go so wide 

“They did what?” He yelped

“Oh they told me all about how you talk about me all the time and how whipped you are” you giggle even more

The look on his face just makes you laugh harder 

“I’m going to kill them” he growls and charges back through the window

You just smile and follow him onto the roof where everyone was just laughing and nudging Eric around

“So he’s finally confessed!” Jacobs asks you grinning from ear to ear

“It’s about time, now we don’t have to spend every dance practice brainstorming ways to get him to do it” Sunwoo laughs, earning a slap from Eric

Once the teasing died down Eric joined your side leaning against the wall by Kevins window

“So does this mean you’ll be my girlfriend?” He asks 

And despite the dark you can tell his cheeks are dusted pink

“Of course I will, but what did you need to go get earlier than meant you were late?” 

“Oh,” he wriggled to grab a small packet from his pocket “I was going to confess to you tonight and I bought you this” 

Handing you the packet you open it to find a dainty necklace 

Silver with a small heart pendant on it 

“Eric this is so cute but you didn’t have to buy me something to confess to me” you blush, heart feeling so full it could burst 

“I know but I thought it would help” his smile is so bright and warm

He helps you put on the necklace and the night ends with you falling asleep cuddled into his arms admiring the view 

[32necl]

alright so this is coming from someone whos opinion of gwevin is a sliding scale of disinterest to intense dislike. im not going to be hating on the ship in this so dont worry.

will i ever write gwevin? probably but itll be very different than we see in either omniverse or AF/UA.

in this essay (read: word blob) i will talk about how gwevins interesting if done right and you have kevin parallel verdona instead of grandpa max.

im posting this at 7 am ive been up all night its not gonna be full of evidence but if youve seen AF/UA at least or parts of omniverse youll get what i mean

so the boring heterosexual approach to gwevin taken by the AF/UA writers and continued on in omniverse is that grandpa max = kevin and verdona = gwen.

some things to note in this approach:

kevin = grandpa max

both have a love for their cars

both are in love with aliens

theyre both taller and bulkier than their respective love interests

thats about where the similarities really end that they show. so that could obviously be fixed. gwevin wasnt end game in the original 2005 show so they had to pretty much start off from page one which is admirable in a way. 

they essentially had to pull a naruto with it however. for ages naru/saku shippers took kushinas line “find a girl like me” to mean sakura. their romances were easily comparable. naruto was kushina and sakura was minato though. and i honestly find it cute in a way. it was supposed to be a red herring.

naru/hina fans also said it was a redherring for their ship but i dont really understand where they’re coming from, but it was along the same lines. attributing minatos shy demeanor to hinatas.

gwen = verdona

theyre both anodites

stubborn 

try very hard to be in control of situations and not allow others to force them to do things

the main thing with the comparison was them both being anodites. 

now if you want to make the dynamic more interesting and appealing? make it so that its reversed.

kevin = verdona

try to do things for their partners even if its not what they want

misinterpret situations 

corny sense of humor

enjoy teasing ben and have a soft spot for him

not from around here (verdonas from anodyne and depending on what you follow, kevins a mutant orphan / orphan alien)

cannot properly deal with grief in healthy ways

dont fully understand when their partner’s upset about things / why theyre upset but try to fix it in their own way

cling to their partners but inevitably push them away in ways they either dont intend to or in an effort to not feel trapped

sarcastic as hell

often go about things the emotional route though they do follow a specific logic unique to them that isnt always easy to follow

loose morals / a moral code thats strict but no one understands the reasoning behind it

free spirits with a variety of skills theyve picked up in their lifetimes

gwen = grandpa max

both have a very “loved ones first” mentality. grandpa max seemingly sacrificing himself for the greater good in “max out” and gwen in “time heals” aiming to go back in time to stop kevin from mutating. 

along with gwen terrifying the living daylights out of zombozo in the episode “hit ‘em where they live” where the famous gwen threat comes from 

“I'm not talking about him! I want you to listen to me then pass the word to every lowlife you know; if you want to come after Ben, or Kevin, or me, fine! That's the life you chose! I'm talking to you! (turns into an Anodite) LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! As of right now, the Tennyson family is off-limits!!! If any of you ever attacks one of our loved ones, or hurts one of our loved ones, or even bumps into someone we love in the street, this is what awaits you!!!”

also in the same episode grandpa max fights off an alien assassin sent to kill sandra tennyson in her backyard

often feel as though they have to do things by themselves to get it done

hard headed

often go about decisions based on rational thought than feeling - though there are exceptions (such as when a loved one is in danger)

often the boss / leader or second in command in situations. 

max and gwen have been super close since the start, bonding over initially being almost powerless in the face of ben with his omnitrix. though that later changes in the 2005 series. 

both skilled in forms of physical combat

both have various admirers such as xylene and verdona etc / kevin michael / cooper

slow to open up fully

keep secrets from loved ones for the “greater good”

initially view their lovers subconsciously as work in progresses before transitioning to puppy love due to bonding in dangerous situations. which later turns out to be more

theres a lot more but ive been thinking about it. 

i dont really like the ship as it is in canon but it has potential ykno? i still prefer ken/devlin but thats just been a preference since before AF/UA came out and i cant stand to think of them being shipped as cousins ew.

and i dont think devlins gwens kid bc he wasnt originally intended to be. it was some woman from saturn but i do find myself liking the idea of gwen taking a shinning to kevins kid and doting on him. boom slowburn gwevin where devlin hopes cool witch gwen will finally ask his jaded father out and be a part of their family. but thats like some specific world building thatd have to go into that one.

well im off to make a gwevin amv to a jack stauber song bc i hate life and heard it and thought of them.

[teddy-feathers]

gender is scary id rather have a cool rock.

i just wish this wasnt so important to me. that it didnt matter.

i tried to make it not matter.

ive been thinking about this hard for many years growing more confused and upset

because. youre you.

gender isnt a performance. its not an aesthetic.

i cant in good faith say im going to take back the parts of me i struggled to accept- i mean rainbow pastels are super cute and i adore adorable things and im not going to let life make me feel cringey over it again

i cant say ill change at all because im not. deciding to adhere to a different set of gender rules and rolls - hell thats one of the largest reasons i didnt want to deal with this at all

dudes dudettes and everyone on the outside of the ven diagram of idiocy can be and act and represent themself however they want and what they wear or hownthey act can't change that

so it shouldnt matter that in many ways im... girly. just listen to me talk or sing or whatever shit i do that makes me flinch now when i notice

but it does because.... because i was waiting for permission

i didnt realize it but. i didnt feel like i had any right to claim anything

im not a "special snowflake" im just like stupid queer or whatever idk

i laughed at the first person - a guy - who told me he was ace turns out im aro and ace.

i said i didnt care if my soulmate was a guy or a girl or multiple people because thatd be stupid - and then i didnt even NOTICE girls because well im not gay id know... until i dated one.

and then i found out nonbinary and trans folk were a thing.

its not scary to think you might be nonbinary. youre just outside the ven diagram. thats fine. obviously youve got to decide what that means for yourself

but.

i still felt... wrong. and it built and it built and i was afraid because... because me being a guy isnt allowed. im not special. i dont want to be special. and this - thisnis me just jumping onto the train right?

but i started getting angry and hurt and noticing all the time "miss" this and "maam" that.

or

"well im not a smartman" "youre not a man at all tho?"

"pfft well i could wingman for you." "blah blah blah wingWOMAN"

like. i decided. id try the binder thing and i liked it but dont we all like new fashion? new looks...

i decided to start cutting my hair and then... becoming dissatisfied when i looked like a lesbain instead of vaguely dudeish even though yeah im flattered that apparantly id make a cute lesbian? super flattered. its a LOOK and god do those girls look good

i got called sir once at walmart and was ecstatic.

but now i just want to cry. because people know and... i dont know hownto feel or even howni feel because the most i feel is scared which

alrifht i always feel scared about everything especially change

im lucky. i told my coworkers and they didnt even blink and changed pronouns and started calling me Dan.

Im thrilled but

im terrified

i dont take me seriously. how can anyone else? and i. i dont want people to know im trans. im not proud or whatever when i go and look at the cute designs on redbubble the way i am over aro ace stuff. its not funny or safe feeling.

itd be nice if i could just say i wish people wouldnt know by looking - they just saw a guy but its not even that? i sont want people to see me at all and yeah some of thats me just flipping out because... what if im wrong but...

i know. a large part of this is my avpd.

i got a rush

im super psyched i can just go "hey I'm a dude" to some people i know and its chill

but my brain runs on misery - if it sees me happy about something it freaks out and it takes a while for the battleship alarms to stop going off and assume the other horrible shoe is going to drop

but some part of me is wondering still

what if im not a guy

what if im making it all up

what if what if what if

you know?

right now if someone were to come up to me and say no. youre not trans. youre not valid... id probably bare throat.

byt its not validation i want or need. weirdly enough for the first time in my life ive got. plenty of validation its

surety.

confidence.

which. will only come with time. until hearing "sir" or "dan" becomes natural like a broken in shoe and then i can figure out if that was all it was or if the fit wasnt right after all.

its like. the humiliation i feel and have sometimes even now when i wear dresses. like im naked or wearing it wrong ornits very obviously unnatural on me because im very old to still need to learn how to be comfortable in it.

itll come with time but...

i already feel like i want to wear this label.

i just dont want anyone to make a big deal about it when i do... or... second guess myself out of something i want just because im not used to it.

at the end of the day in a coward... ill get over it im just... tired.

i dont want to say im a man. i never have.

but im a dude, a guy. just a person. just me.

i just wish it was more like dying my hair - unremarkable really even if it can be pretty or neat.

because. its not a big deal to me but simultaneously the biggest deal possible and honestly i wish it didnt matter

gender is scary, id rather have a cool rock

[l999b]

lol supppppppppp$

hi. i miss u. i know i wasnt your dream girl u know, skinny, beautiful, nice hair, perfect laugh, fit just really good in all, but with those few months i really believed i was enough. and now i miss you so fucking much and i cant do anything about it. u can say u dont love me but i really loved you, and just because u can suddenly admit it doesnt mean i have to pretend that im over it too yknow. but i gotta. i miss you so much. today was really fucking tough. everyone was really sad today but they had someone to seek comfort in. nic w hk, nat w sean, mizah w yihui, nisha w owen, bry and jelli, aini and her class 3 friends, fiq and the y3 seniors. and i just needed someone. and i know im being overdramatic but i just wish i could b w u. all that talk about fmo made me rmb how we started talking and i felt so fucking stupid. like i put myself out there fully bc i thought u felt the same way. and it really hurts that it wasnt what i thought it was. and i really need you. you have been in so much of my swans life and u not being there just added more pain in my heart yknow? and i know youre struggling too. and my heart wants to reach out to you so bad but nic said that struggling and struggling wo me is two diff things. not that it matters bc i dont wna see you in so much pain for whatever reason but yknow. i never once regretted being w u dany but everytime i think about how much youre hurting i just wish like 0.1% in my heart that we never were a thing. then you wouldnt b hurting so much bc i know youre guilty of things w me and i hate that im a reason. bc all i wanted was to make u happy but now im indirectly causing you pain and im so so so sorry. im so sorry you blame yourself and my being a sob of a person doesnt help things but things like these happen and im just being a big baby about it. and i wish u wouldnt b so upset and hard on yourself bc everyone makes mistakes you know? youre not a terrible person and i dont have anything to forgive you for and i wish i could tell you that but im not allowed to anymore. i really hate the way im not supposed to look at someone who means so much to me anymore. im so fucking upset because you cant stand to stay in the same room w me at the same time and im so sorry for making you feel that way. i really dont know whats wrong w me but i hate this so much. and i wish we were never together because my heart feels so heavy and i try to cry it out at night and it just gets heavier and idk what to do. i feel like everyone gets so annoyed when i say i miss you so i cant even say that anymore. i know youre not coming back. and i know what we had wasnt real. but i really wish it was. its been a really lonely long hard week and i really hate acting all cool and happy. its so hard everytime i see you and everything reminds me of you and i cant seem to let you go and i dont know what to do. its been almost 3 months and i know for sure it doesnt take this long to get over someone esp if it wasnt real but i dont know whats wrong w me. i really want to talk to you. i wanna tell u i love u still and i never stopped. but i know it wont be reciprocated. and i know itll hurt more if i say something so ill just keep to myself. i know i always say getting over you was so much easier when i didnt have to see your face everyday, but when intern comes i think im gonna miss you even more and i wont even get to try to see your face anymore. i want you to be happy and id seriously pay for anything to get you to be happy again. in the event that u do find someone who manages to make u happier than ever tho? im so sorry i assumed you were happy. i should have never taken things too far. im so sorry dany. i love you.​

[diariesof-kg]

Listen Linda!

08_15_21

I am excited!!  My VH1 credit should be on my IMDB page real soon.  Pause why Black Panther is filming in ATL and I never knew when they started filming.  I definitely need an agent in ATL, I have the financial ability to fly back and forth.  I just don’t know if I am willing to shave my head.  Even if they offered me 500k, I’d still be hesitant. Lol.  And they are filming in the middle of fall and winter and I can’t stand being cold.  God is good!  I am unsure what to do with my health though.  Again, I’ve come to terms years ago, about what could possibly happen.  I bet ol girl would be happy if I perished, she wished it on me anyway. Lol, But that besides the point at hand.  Something is definitely wrong with my body and I am beyond over it.  Thank God for life insurance I guess.  I barely have debts except for my school loans.  I wrote out my goals, I just need to make a vision board at this point.  I am definitely hoping everything manifests.  I’ll be debt free by December of this year.  And then my credit score should be above average and then I figured out how to get a Tesla without spending 40k.  The most I am willing to spend is 30k but that’s where negotiating comes in.  Unless the car goes over 300 miles per charge, I am not spending that much.  I’ve driven a Tesla. Model S and the charge goes down quick with all the usage.  I want a model S so bad, but Ill take the Model 3 or Y. 

My child got out twice now.  I told her the outside is for the street cats and she’s not about that life, of course she responds. Lol.  I am definitely blessed for her.  Who would have thought I’d have a cat that responds and talks to me.  Understands commands.  It’s beyond crazy sometimes but I am grateful.  I remember after the incident I was crying so bad and Zena was trying to get in my lap but I kept putting her on the floor.  I feel so bad she waned to comfort me and I rejected it.  But I truly love her to death.  I bought her a leash to train her to go outside but she isn’t having it, but then yells at me to put it on.  I guess she runs everything.  She also loves helping the clients.  Lol.  Whether that’s talking while I’m on the phone or typing random shit from the keyboard.  

I finally broke my silence.  Not entirely.  I’m still hesitant about reaching out to my community about what happened to me.  I told one person in the industry and I said, it’s not about exploiting or exposing but it’s about safety.  If I was attacked I am sure it’ll happen to someone else and that’s the point of speaking on it.  I would be in the wrong if it was lies and I made up this whole story for revenge, but unfortunately it really happened.  I have the court documents saved as PDF and people can look it up with my name or the case number.  This is why I am blessed my record is clean.  Because on my IMDB, it shows if the industry is googling you or reviewing your page.  And if I had a criminal or something as a restraining order on my record, I could lose out on bookings.  Reputation matters.  Producers always call me back for a gig.  And no one wants to work with someone who can’t control their anger.  Thank God that isn’t me.  I can be upset, but I’d NEVER put my hands let alone bite someone.  I am hesitant about posting pictures of the bite, but I feel like that’s my finally closure.  Closure and forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  I think that’s how I am able to receive all these blessings.  I always forgive people in order to set myself free.  The misery I would feel if I didn’t. 

*side note; I am craving Prank’s Egg white omelette and potatoes. ; with some syrup.  I am not sure when I’ll make it over there but it’ll be soon.  Most places don’t even do egg white omelette which too me isn’t as dry as a regular omelette. It’s like being in love with the first bite, it’s so good. 

Imagine on my birthday a Tesla arrives.  Yall I’d pass out.  Lol.  I definitely want that car and then I’ll get a townhouse.  The way they check your credit though itll be tricky I suppose.  And of course mom can rent out my room.  This room is beyond 600 sq ft.  Its a whole ass studio.  Matter fact if she takes the entertainment room, where my sister sleeps and my room and the bathroom, that’s a steal.  I have been looking for townhouses to rent but some are two bedrooms and are tiny.  And I am spoiled to be honest.  I refuse to live in a box.  Which means paying over 2k a month.  But that’s the whole point of upgrading your life.  I will never forget when I met my brother for the first time and he said I was boujie because I had a Champion jacket on. Lol, SMH!  What’s so wrong with upgrading your life.  Phew, black people never can just say something is cute or looks good without the extras.  The Champion jacket was hella expensive and I bought it on my credit card, because I was broke.  I like the color and how it looked. Lol, never knew it would categorize me as boujie.  

That’s why lowkey I am scared to get the Tesla.  Because when next year comes around and I FINALLY heal and get myself right to date.  I don’t want to go out on a date and they think, because I have a Tesla I got monies.  I was ignorant for that too.  My ex has a big ass house and a Mercedes and I quickly learned it wasn’t even like that.  Plus a Mercedes is really an expensive Chrysler, both vehicles share the same interior, but who gon tell them?  Can we just clap for people who upgrade their lives.  Can we do that starting 2022.  My plan is at the end of this year to finish doing overtime and then grab my savings and get a loan, hopefully at least 20k and I pay the rest like 10-15k.  And BOOM a Tesla is born.  I am always planning, I created a whole financial excel sheet to predict how much I need to make to reach my goals.  Then I have my Godson and his future.  I may go ahead and put 5k in his savings just to set him in stone for the next two years.  I am waiting for my credit card to say zero!  If I have extra I might send my friends a couple racks.  When I am blessed I have to pass the blessings to the next.

I love the BUFFINS!!!  I just can’t over how beautiful their lives are.  Sevyn wanted Annie and she got her.  They proposed and got married and three years later had their first child and I am just so happy for them.  I am like this, let me re-manifest someone from the ATL.  Because my homeboy literally is moving to be with his fiance after meeting her a short time and he’s a Capricorn.  Listen, I was so close but I ended up getting violated violently, so lets start over.  Caps are so loyal and faithful.  But I am not ready to find someone yet.  I kind of want to establish a few things first.  I want to HEAL.  This was definitely a traumatizing experience.  Adding more to my PTSD.  I want to be comfortable speaking about it if asked.  There is a lot to work on at this time.  Plus, I want to get this car and this townhouse.  Also, I don’t want to be afraid to jump into the deep end.  Like when I fall in love again, I dont want to be hesitant to make someone my girlfriend, even if it’s a short period of time.  I don’t want to rush but I don’t want to hold back my emotions either.  I pray I can fall in love again.  I honestly do.  I thought I couldn’t and then I did to a person who attacked me.  Feels wasted.  I want to take chances.  I should have taken that second date with this other girl. Lol, fuck !  And I wouldn’t have been in this mess.  

To end this, I know relationships are not easy, I was in one for five years.  I have the strength but also, I don’t have to tolerate shit.  If the universe sends me a damn Taurus, we going straight to counseling, because I refuse.  Lol, they are literally all abusive asf.  In the meantime, I am waiting for the victims group to get back to me about my case.  If they agree, somebody going to jail and it’s not me.  I mean literally what happened to my bff ex, lordt.  we call her crazy bish, but she was mad she was arrested for the DV.  Like how can people be upset about their own actions that they chose.  Now you see why, when my bff asked if she was a Taurus and she said yes, why they were scared for me.  Lol, because them May Taurus are real life abusers.  Someone prove me wrong and Ill give them 10k.  But on a good note.  God is good!!!!!

[aplaceforthesoul]

ok so i inged up for camp and i 100% know its gonna get cancled this little part in me hopes it wont. its the last year i can go as a camper and if it gets canceled itll have been 2 years since i saw the camp friends. so i was talking with someone and there like but its gonna get canceled and i was like i feel like its 99% gonna get canceled but this one percent in me hopes it wont and she was like but it is gonna get canceled. i know how she is and know she didnt mean to upset me but it did :(

am i allowed to feel upset like i know based on how things are its gonna get canceled but i just dont wanna believe that. i wanna be like the way you worded it made me upset but i feel its stupid cause shes probably right. idk i just this camp means the world to me i wish i could just accept itll prob get canceled everything is broken and sad and this is the one thought going to camp and its holding me together

omg yeah of course you’re allowed to feel upset over this -- upset over camp possibly being cancelled, upset at the (slightly) harsh and blunt way your friend talked about it with you, I would be too. 

idk if it’s helpful to tell her this? she didn’t have to be that blunt about things but it sadly has the potential to be true. since you mentioned that you know she didn’t mean to upset you and the no-nonsense approach she had about the situation, it’s unlikely that she’ll see your point of view about all of this, and it could maybe cause further conflict for you.

just because someone didn’t mean to upset you, doesn’t mean that they get a free pass! someone may not have had an intention to hurt you, but they did and like that does matter. normally I wouldn’t say “oh well she didn’t mean to upset you so it’s no big deal” etc, but weigh up the pros and cons -- is it worth it to say something? is it worth another argument and stress if she doesn’t see your point of view and apologise? sometimes we need to pick our battles, when it’s best to say something and when it might be better to let it go. 

like I said, you’re definitely allowed to be upset over everything happening at the moment! your feelings are valid, I’d probs feel the same. it could help though to maybe try and plan a few other things to look forward to, so that if camp is cancelled then there’s still a few good things in your life to smile over. it’s also not exactly the same but you could still go to camp as a counsellor (you probs know about this), instead of a camper? I follow an aussie girl (@agirlnamedally) who goes to the USA and does this, could be something to look into for the future. take care friend, I hope that the camp still gets to go ahead <33

- tash

[tamiddyinyourcity]

2:00pm, December 15th of 2019.

Can't even enjoy shopping, but then again, the local Forever 21 changed their entire layout, and H&M finds it logical to charge 30 dollars for the most basic items ever.

"Like this long sleeve? Its forty bucks! Nice dress right? Yeaaaah its 99 dollars."

And the dude in the dressing rooms said out loud that he thought this stuff was "surprisingly cheap".... these shirts are see through and the fabrics are subpar, none of this should be charged this high.

Outside of a disappointing shopping experience, I also got

Its annoying, the transition from "I'm breaking up with you for keeping secrets from me and enabling idiotic and rude ass behavior from your bitch ass friend", to "Yay, hes dumping me, because hes too pussy."

I'm not a total naive cynic, I already know itd be weird dating someone after we both made our own seperate scenes, and whatnot.

Plus, its for the better.

We all know he still wouldn't have made an effort to get his friends to even so much as meet me, considering how everything had went down.

(And thus, I still regret nothing in terms of telling that nosy ass bitch to go fuck herself.)

Anyway.

Got clothes, stuff that'll keep my arms warm. And some jewellery.... its a shame I never got my necklace back.

....Don't know how I feel about Patrick, honestly.

Admittedly I find it sort of pathetic.

What *I* did was definitely to an extent pathetic, but that was more of a "I blocked him so he wouldnt see shit, and his friends I barely speak to anyways; so...."

Mine was "oh look im chaotic and also sharing how stupid things got to the point where i had left him."

His was posting pictures of me and going "she dumped me lol (laughter to hide the pain)"..... even I didn't go that pathetic.

(Still posted pictures to my private spam, but i just said "its been a long ass day", not an odd declaration like that to openly tell all my friends, distant or close, that I got absolutely cucked by my ex girlfriend or something.)

Did I get cucked? Thats up for debate.

Anyways.

Now that I'm done buying sweaters, time to go buy wigs, or whatever else is needed to boost self esteem some more. Get a wax? I dont know.

And if you're reading this, Patrick, you're literally just gonna make yourself feel worse.

I blocked you everywhere for the sole purpose of "I don't need him seeing what I'm up to, seeing the spouts of sadness and horniness and rage, and I dont want to see his either."

Since then itll just make you upset.

I wouldn't go "oh, i am afraid of Forbidden Animals.... let me look at blogs dedicated to nothing but Forbidden Animals."

NO! SINCE IT MAKES IT WORSE!

So stop looking at my tumblr, fucker. Go... I don't know... finish painting your walls, or building a laptop. Go wrestle with Chris, or idk, check out the steam showers and finally mess around with your sexuality I guess.

Why did i say that, now im gonna be picturing it the whole night

He said something odd in the car about how he "doesnt know about seeing other people", as it would "make things complicated"....

Bruh. You're single, and I'm single. And all I can do is not have sex with you, and probably go have sex with someone else or whatever, and not tell you about it.

So... yeah.

God, he's being so weird about this. Fucks sake.

Aaaaaaand not feeling the most ecstatic.

Plus my other ex, also named Patrick, (fuck, that makes writing these posts even harder,) wants to hang out tomorrow afternoon.

I guess thats gonna be good for me.

Really hard to be ecstatic, because:

I lost feelings for Blonde Patrick for a reason; he was just ignoring my texts, "laying with girls but not having sex with them", and it wasnt a great feeling to have a dude have you as a sexy one night stand in his moms car, just to..... not message me after it happened. Plus, he acted so iffy honestly. As if he wasnt in a car crying with me about not being together just a few nights before, with me in his arms. Acted like none of that mattered... And back to partying and my messages ignored for days!

I decided Brunette Patrick treated me better, and was becoming more relevant in life. When it came down to, "Get left on read by the ex who's too busy plowing ass and taking tests to be serious with you, who lives miles away?", or, "Be with the guy who actually plans dates with you, will be at your curb at the drop of a hat to see you, and is actually doing things no one else has done before? Flowers, candy, cool dates, and just overall good conversation?", well...... the answer was pretty present.

Even last time I called Blonde Patrick, I thought "Damn; we really do have a connection"..... and then shortly after, called Brunette Patrick, became exclusive, and talked for maybe one or two hours straight, and I thought, "Hell yeah bitch..... im not trading this shit in for anything in the damn world."

So now that my feelings shifted to someone else, its a shame I don't see Blonde Patrick the same anymore. Its less "oh god oh fuck im sweating i cant believe hes really here", and more "oh.... yeah man, how have you been? hows that dancer girl youve been smashing been? still gonna go half on everything and then try to get pussy by claiming theres an emotional attachment?"

.....fuuuuuuuuucking hell.

So yeah. To an extent, I'll blush when I see him, but damn.... gotta at least make sure that things go decent tomorrow.

Thank god I'm on my period, or I would've fucked either person and probably enjoyed it regretted it later on since neither would provide for me.

So.... I dunno, don't fuck Blonde Patrick.

He's a good guy; he'd understand. Especially after the heartbreak laaaaaast time, I'd rather have a nice night with him and just chit chatting and going home in one piece, than with an absolutely smashed cervix and fucked up panties

....odd feeling of regret or being used, then promptly forgoten about.

I guess I still do like him.

Alright.

2:27pm, time to go back to whatever I was doing. Lifes too short to sit on a bench and mope over someone who's not even sure why they're moping, so like.... go buy some skirts or something.

And last thought....

Not sure how I felt about our other night hanging out.

Glad that we at least gave that a shot. But obviously, things are complicated if I really like a person, and well... they can't show that they really like me back.

And they wont change things for the better.

Or do anything else to make anything about the situation easier....

Fuck you dude.

It shouldn't have been so hard to communicate with me, and so I left you. Imagine if you just spoke up, instead if acting like a relationship means being secretive and acting suspicious as fuck over stupid shit that wasnt even that important of a fucking deal to hide.

.....he was never gonna make an effort with me.

I really gotta stop thinking of this asshole these days.

Peace out.

[bbusallday]

BB19 Late Night Updates - 7/3 - Day 13 (Complete)

Updater: Ryan

Recent evictee: Cameron & Megan(self-evict) HOH: Cody Nominees: Jillian & Christmas(renom) POV players: Cody, Jillian, Alex, Matt, Raven, Jason POV holder: Alex Have nots:  Den of Temptation: Paul                                                                                       

1:00 AM

Cam ½

In the love room, Paul and Elena discuss Mark.

Cam ¾

In the HOH Room, Cody, Jessica and Mark discuss Mark and Elena mostly.  Mark says he and Elena can’t sleep next to each other because of the convo they had tonight.

Mark did just mention before the 1:00 that he wasn’t sure how he was voting anymore.

At 1:08, it’s just Jess and Mark.  Nothing too much happens.  Mark says he hasn’t changed his relationship with Jess and Cody but might vote to keep Christmas now that the votes are there.  Mark says that no matter what happens, things are being resettled.

Cam ½

Meanwhile, Cody and Elena are in the love room discussing her not having a bed.  Cody says that Jess is mad at her.

Cody leaves and Raven, Christmas, Ramses come in and tell her to sleep in there.  Christmas and Elena hang back to discuss Jess being uncomfortable because she’s insecure.

Elena says Jess is mad because she won’t vote out Christmas.

1:14 AM

Cam ¾

In the HOH Jess is telling Mark to be careful to not talk to Elena about their relationship while she’s drinking for the 4th tomorrow.

She mentions she pretends to drink sometimes during the game.

Cam ½

Elena and Christmas are still discussing Jessica.  Christmas doesn’t like how aggressive Jess is being campaigning against her.

1:24 AM

Cam ½

Paul has joined Elena and Christmas.  He builds some trust saying that he was right when he told them people would crack about this point in the game.  He then brings up his concern about Mark still being upstairs with Jess and Cody.

They say that Cody and Jess are playing on how emotional Mark is.  Paul says he needs to tell Mark that the more he gives in to them, the more Mark draws the line in the sand. 

Christmas says Cody should go before Jess because he’s a physical threat.  In the past, Paul has said Jess should go first. 

1:28 AM

On the balcony, Dom and Mark talk.  Mark says he loves Christmas and can’t get rid of her, but Cody thinks he has the votes to do it.

Dom says that Jess is trying to manipulate the house.  She mentions that Jess hasn’t really talked to her.  Much like everyone else, Dom is pushing Mark to stop being so emotional in the game.

1:34 AM

Paul goes up to the balcony to join Dom and Mark.

Paul comes up and tells Mark to get away from Cody and Jess.  He tells Mark everyone hates them and he needs to distance himself.  Paul says Matt and Raven have abandoned Cody and Jess.  Mark says he didn’t realize Jess had become so aggressive toward people.

Dom is nodding her approval of what Paul is saying as Paul drags Mark toward his side by saying everyone hates Cody and Jess.

Meanwhile, Cody and Jess are saying they’re the only people bridging the gap between the sides and they will look smart.

1:42

Cam ¾

Paul leaves Dom and Mark.

Mark tells her he’s going to wake up a new man.  He says he didn’t realize this stuff about Cody and Jess.

They leave and the cam switches to Cody and Jess going to bed in the HOH.  They briefly chat about Elena.  Jess says she won’t help her find a bed if she won’t help evict Christmas.

Cam ½

Paul recaps the balcony convo with Matt, Raven, and Elena in the apple room.

Mark walks in.  He tells the group that Jess says they have the votes to evict Christmas.  They’re laughing at that.

Paul left but returns to say they have 6 votes to save Christmas (Elena, Mark, Paul, Dom, Matt, and Raven).  They need one more.  He thinks Kevin will vote with them and he says he secretly has someone else.  He won’t even say their name.

Paul says Cody came after him too quickly and upset too many people doing it.

Elena details her convo with Cody. 

They discuss the game being too difficult for how early it is.

Raven begins talking about her convo with Jess saying that Christmas said she was coming for Jess.  None of them believe this.

2:00 AM

Christmas is in the apple room now.  She’s saying that they should get rid of Cody first.  She thinks Jess might get roped onto their side.  The others disagree with her.

Paul is telling them to throw HOH to him if they can because he has a low risk/high reward plan.  They all say they’ll do that.

2:10 AM

Paul tells the room that they need to shut down their brains to whatever Cody and Jess try to do to switch votes.

2:20 AM

Cam ½ is on Apple Room.  Dom and Christmas talk but not about anything new.  Light discussion about potential moves if they win an HOH.

Cam ¾ is on the kitchen where Paul, Raven, Ramses and Elena talk and snack.

On Cam ¾ Mark and Elena talk on the hammock.  Mark is processing what was told to him and is upset about Cody and Jess being dishonest.

Talk starts about their relationship.  Elena explains that Mark hurt her feelings.  Mark is apologetic.  (Guys, honestly, they’re working their stuff out and seem like it’ll be okay.  I just can’t transcribe all of it.  Just assume they’ve worked out their issues from today. Thanks.)

2:53 AM

Cam ¾

Raven and Matt join Mark and Elena.  They speak briefly.

The girls go to the bathroom but rejoin the convo.

They discuss Cody and Jess trying to cause chaos in their games and play on their emotions.  They all agree to stop being emotional.  They agree to trust Paul.  At least the girls did, but the guys didn’t speak up.  Elena thinks the next comp is endurance (holding on type of comp).  First 5 out are have-nots. 

Elena is saying the game moves fast and they need to not panic if things don’t go their way in the HOH comp.  She says she’s a likely backdoor target.

3:15 AM

Mark, Elena, Matt, and Raven are all very aware of the chaos Jess and Cody can make.

At this point the convo is nothing we haven’t heard and nothing game-changing is being said.  Lots of bonding time between these 4, which is most definitely worth noting.

3:35 AM

Raven and Matt head to bed. 

Mark and Elena remain on the hammock on cams ¾

Elena has been explaining that she isn’t always on Mark’s side with his decisions, but she respects him.  She feels they should work together and go with Paul. 

She still feels split between liking Mark and using her brain.  She laughs and tells Mark not to be offended.  Elena feels like her and Mark are good. 

After some time discussing nothing new (20 minutes?), Mark is explaining why he’s so emotional lately.  Explains he never processed his mother’s death and this house is bringing that out of him. 

Mark also explains that Dom and Christmas are important to him and that’s why he opens up to them and not necessarily Elena all the time.  Elena seems okay(ish) with that. 

4:00 AM

Elena and Mark get ready for bed.

They go to sleep in separate beds. 

All houseguests are now in bed.

If you would like to help us and become a live feed updater send us a message at bbusallday.tumblr.com or email bbusallday@yahoo.com!

[saintkimora]

ok, here is a full account of what happened yesterday and the new events from today. caleb if you are seeing this please respect my privacy and stop reading now 

ok so it started the other day. caleb texted me at night saying he wanted to talk to me about something serious the next day. i asked what it was about and he said he just wanted to be friends but i didnt read too much into it bc he is impulsive so i figured he would come to his senses the next day

so then yesterday happened. i had just gotten out of sociology at like 10:40am and i saw that he had texted me all these things about breaking up. then when i got to my car he called me on the phone. he then proceeded to break up with me over the phone. his reasoning was that since hes prob moving in a few weeks, he wanted to stop being boyfriends now that way when he does leave itll hurt less than it would, so like easing himself out of the relationship basically. i think its a stupid idea 

so these are the issues i had. the first was that he broke up with me over the phone, not even in person. and like i was crying over the phone and his tone was just like very cold and detached and business like and that really hurt me bc he obv knew i was crying but i didnt feel any sympathy from him whatsoever. like if he was crying i would obv be comforting him and trying to make him feel better not talking like a robot. another thing that hurt was that he gave up on the long distance relationship before we could even try it. it made me feel like i was so worthless and unimportant that he didnt even feel like putting forth the effort to make our relationship work. and the fact that he did this all over a 10 minute phone call on his way to the gym. and then like 20 min after he had the NERVE to post a video on his snap story of him at the gym saying “feeling so good *blushing smile emoji*” like that really hurt my feelings and when i told him that later he was like “oh stop making everything about you it was just how i was feeling after working out” but like? i know he obv wasnt saying that he felt so good about breaking up. but what bothered me was that like after he broke up w me, i was a mess i was literally crying all day and i couldnt do anything but cry i was so upset. and then here he is just going on with his day like its another normal tuesday. like the fact that he was capable of being so happy not even a few hours after breaking my heart made me feel like i was nothing, like it was just an errand like “oh im gonna break up with perry then go to the gym lol” and the fact that he did it over the phone just made me feel so insignificant like i was nothing to him and that really hurt. and like ive tried to be the best boyfriend i can be for him and i try to do everything he asks of me so for him to just break up with me in such a dismissive way makes it feel like he doesnt even care

so i was crying in my car, like really bad like i was BAWLING. so i went to the student counseling center and asked for a crisis meeting and i got set up w this counselor named josh. he was nice and tried to help me calm down and focus on orgo. it was nice to have someone to talk to i guess

so then i went home. he called me again to like try to explain himself but only made me feel worse. he was like “you know when i move im not gonna be able to see you everyday and cuddle with you and fall asleep on your chest anymore” and that just made me sadder and i was crying again on the phone. then later we were texting and he was like denying breaking up with me. like, you said you wanted to just be friends and you explicitly said that you didnt want to be boyfriends anymore so how is that not breaking up??? and he said “i was trying to have a conversation with you but all you did was cry.” with the period to show how serious he was. and it really hurt me when he said that bc it felt like he was mad at me and using me crying against me, like i somehow did something wrong by crying. again if he was the one crying i would not be holding it against him like that so i really wish he didnt say that bc it made me feel bad for being emotional which should not be something to feel bad about. and at the end of the call he didnt say i love you like he always does so that hurt my feelings as well

and like i took away the hearts from his contact name and changed my phone backgrounds since they were pictures of him and that just made me really sad

i skipped psych and anatomy lecture but i couldnt skip my anatomy practical. i cried when i was backing up my car to leave bc i saw the “hi <3″ that he wrote in the dirt on my back windshield a while ago and it just set me off. so i got to school and i was planning on having this be the dropped grade so i wasnt like worried but i got a 90 anyways so that was nice. the prof was like “perry whats wrong you look depressed” and i was like im just a little sad today and he was like why and i was like “bc my significant other broke up w me” (i used s/o bc idk how my prof is about those things so i didnt wanna say bf). he told me this story about how in his senior year of college he had such bad mono it was misdiagnosed as hodgkins disease so he was given 18 months to live and his gf of 4 years left him after finding out. so he told me “perry, girls are like a bus. if you miss one, another one will come along in 15 minutes. if i had daughters i would tell them the same thing about guys” so that was nice that he tried to cheer me up. then when i was leaving from the other room (bc we leave our stuff in the other room during the practical) the TA came to me from the main room and wished me luck on my finals so that was nice of him 

so then i went home. then at 10pm i met w caleb in person in his car. we talked and at first he would not let me get a word in and he just kept defending himself and what also upset me was that he thought the reason i was so upset was that he was moving and he was so defensive like “i wish i could stay here but i have no choice i cant afford to live here its too expensive” and like that is not what upset me!!! i already knew he was moving ive had time to accept it what upset me was how he broke up w me for no reason w almost no warning and did it in such a cold way. and like the way i see it is since hes leaving instead of easing ourselves out of the relationship to stop us from getting hurt when he actually leaves (which wont happen bc itll hurt regardless), i figured we should make the most of our time together and enjoy each other as much as possible since we’ll have plenty of time to get over each other AFTER he moves. so when i told him my point of view he was like “i wish i thought of it like that, im really bad at this” so that was how i resolved the issue. he was hesitant about keeping the bf label but i told im i really wanted to and i didnt see a point in taking away the label now anyways. i also told him i at least wanted to try long distance instead of giving up before it even happens. i dont remember what he said to it though lol i was too emotional. but yeah the beginning of the convo just felt like he was berating me and i started to cry again bc i dont like it when hes rude to me like that

then he told me that im so sensitive i could see a squirrel in the road and cry and i had to explain to him that i am not a sensitive and emotional person! im normally v reserved w my emotions like ive only cried maybe 3 times the past 8 years and that im just emotional when it comes to him bc i care about him so much

another thing that bothered me was that he said every relationship teaches a lesson, and from ours he learned not to rush into things. i dont get that bc yes we did rush but that wasnt really a bad thing? like he wouldve moved regardless so taking things slow wouldnt have changed that. and like since we rushed into things it will hurt more when he leaves since we are closer than we would be if we took it slow but also like, if we didnt rush we wouldnt have gotten so close and had so much fun together in the first place. so imo the benefits of getting so close so fast vastly outweighed the pain of him leaving

so everything would be great except for this next part. he told me the easing out of the relationship thing was bc he got the advice to do that from his mom and leeann. so when i got home i made a post calling leeann toxic and his mom stupid for interfering in our relationship. and like yall can tell that obv i was kidding and just exaggerating for humorous effect like i dont really think his mom is stupid or that leeann was toxic, just that their advice in the situation was bad. but caleb texted me this morning being so rude calling me disgustingly disrespectful for saying that and he said that “next time you think about doing this remember how it felt when i dumped you (so he admitted that he did dump me) - and get those tissues ready” (since ive been using a lot of tissues since i was crying so much). that really really hurt my feelings bc 1. he is once again using me crying against me and 2. it shows a total lack of sympathy for me crying, like it felt like hell yesterday i was so upset and he knows that so for him to threaten to put me through that again just shows he doesnt really care about me or my feelings. 

he also said i need to stop using him and leeann and his mom as “characters in your online stories” like...these arent online stories? this blog is where i vent and talk about my feelings since i dont have anyone to do that with irl and i need to get them out somewhere im not writing these posts to be mean it just feels good to put my thoughts into words instead of bottling them up and even my therapist thinks its a good thing for me to do  

so he said that but i was NOT having it. i typed up a long text in response and even i admit it was kinda mean. like in his he said “dont even talk to me for the rest of the day” so at the end of my text i said “dont talk to me ever i am perfectly fine w never talking to you again the rest of my life so bye have fun in new hampshire or whatever” and he was like “perry stop you dont mean that last part” and then he called me and once again got defensive he said he was just trying to have a convo w me and i was being aggressive for no reason. like, no??? a convo would have been texting me like “perry i know its your personal blog where you post your feelings but this post upset me and this is why” not coming at me with 4 super rude texts out of nowhere. so he was trying to play the victim and paint me as irrational and that im overreacting just like he did yesterday and i didnt like it! he was just dismissing my feelings again. so i went OFF in this phone call like wow i really snapped and it felt good tbh

like i think he was just expecting me to sit there and take it and apologize like i usually do when he gets like this but i am done doing that! so i think he was caught off guard that i stood up for myself. i was like caleb i really dont care i have the most important orgo test of the semester today you already took yesterday from me but today i am not entertaining it if you have an issue call me after my test” and i ended the convo and hung up and then he texted me “good luck on your test” like ok hi king of passive aggressiveness 

so thats it. i felt good at first but later on i felt bad so i texted him apologizing for snapping at him but i said i wont discuss the tumblr issue until we are in person. i asked if he was free tonight and he said no he wants a day or two to be separate and normally i would understand but like...hes moving in a few weeks i really dont want to waste time fighting and being in this weird place

not to be out of order but another thing that got on my nerves was when we made up last night. he said “once i move youll have more free time for things like school, work, maybe going to the gym” like once again here he is commenting on my appearance! like yes i know im scrawny and i wish i wasnt but im sick of him taking jabs at my looks like my body, acne, and eyebrows when i literally have NOTHING but nice things to say about how he looks. it makes me feel bad when he points out my flaws like that and a good boyfriend is not supposed to make me feel like that

now for the most recent development. leeann sent me this LONG fb message bc caleb told her what i posted about her. like why does he have to expose me like that! i didnt read the message i was like “yeah im not reading this but just so you know i was kidding i wasnt serious i was exaggerating lol” and she was like ok lol 

i just dont know why she thinks i care about her input on MY relationship? like youre calebs friend not mine to be frank i dont give a fuck what you think about whats best for my relationship like you dont know me so mind your business

and thats another thing. in the past caleb has gotten pissed at me for sharing our business too much (by telling my friends (who he will literally never meet since they all went away for school) and by posting on here) yet here he goes telling leeann everything! seems hypocritical to me

and heres a second thing. i have always told caleb that my blog is my personal space where i can safely vent and talk about my feelings and that he should respect my privacy by not reading my personal posts. and ive told him that if he does wanna read them then hes doing so at his own risk bc im not going to filter myself bc this is MY space not his so if he really wants to overstep his boundaries and look at my posts then he cant get mad at me for them bc HE is the one choosing to read them even after my warning! so i dont think he should be getting mad at me especially when i was in such an extreme state of mind yesterday since he put me through the worst day of my life for no reason which literally couldve been 100% avoided if he had just waited to talk to me in person instead of breaking up w me over the phone. and like now i feel like this isnt even a space place for me to express myself anymore since theres a chance of him seeing. and i tried blocking him before but he made a new blog and wont tell me the url so i cant block him smh

so yeah thats everything that happened. im kinda stressed rn w this whole leeann drama even though he shouldnt have been reading my posts in the first place. like its just so much drama and i dont like how it feels and idk why this relationship turned sour so fast and i wish he would just be nice and sweet to me again. so hopefully things get better 

[badmagus]

sister just. she says that im always supported etc etc but doesnt fucking listen to me when i say that i dont feel supported at all.

[nanshe-of-nina]

Incorrect Crusades Quotes

Raimond IV de Tolosa: the fool tries to make one million dollars.... but the wise man knows that its much easier to make $0.000001 dollars one trillion times

Guglielmo Embriaco: Arrives 15 minutes late with siege towers.

Pope Urbanus II: UNITED NATIONS: ah!! please help us! we need just a normal man's opinion!! we got you a seat ME: How'm I to trust you, while God is bleeding

Étienne Henri, comte de Blois: Hell Yes;. the army is putting me and my guns on a plane back to iraq. Thius is like real life DLC

Matilde di Canossa: disappointed by lack of respect for the pope by the goofus brigade. i on the other hand respect the mans ass cheeks. i respect the mans legs

Alexios I Komnenos: I am Mediterranean Man! Hear my cry: TZATZIKIIIIIIiiiiiii and tremble with fear.TZATZIKIIIIIIiiiiiii and away!

Pierre l’Ermite: me and a bunch of stupid assholes are going to start a community in the middle of the desert to either die or prove a very important point.

Baudouin Ier de Jérusalem: im gay too and i love shit and im a nerd.

Bohémond de Hauteville: THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset. ME: I agree

Hugues Ier, comte de Vermandois: i may be a dim-witted narcissist but at least i hafve really good opinions about life and other things

Morphia of Melitene: I AM VERY BAD ARMENIAN LADY ! I AM SO BAD THAT EVEN DEVOL IS AFRAID OF ME ! I WILL TEAR ENYBODYS SPIRIT & GIVE IT TO HIM ; WHO PUT DISLIKE !

Hugues de Payens: girlsl... i shall virtuously employ the expansive breadth of my tech wisdom to protect you all from Daesh... even if you dont follow me...

Danishmend Gazi: prince hussein…wheres my goodboy bailout

Tancrède de Hauteville: my romantic girl friend sees the super blood moon reflected in my greased back hair and pledges then and there to bow to christ our master

Thomas de Marle, seigneur de Coucy: I wanna live inside a castle built of your agony. AND I WANT TO CRUMBLE IT WITH AN AXE TO YOUR CAROTID ARTERY!

Kilij Arslan I: @danishmend pass the savings onto me mother fucker

Al-Mustazhir: "buckwild" or "hogwild"?? im writing a poem for my gf

Anna Komnēnḗ: He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

Imad ad-Din Zengi: each 'Ridge' in your crinkle-cut potato chip costs 4 gallons of precious slave blood to create and adds a satisfying "Cruntch" to every bite

Thierry d'Alsace, comte de Flandre: this post is 2 years old. ive since lost custody of my children and my wife left me. still wild about candles

Anfós Jordan de Tolosa: my followeres, who all hate me, and wish to kick my ass, are nobodys, and they lack the combat training to injure me, because theyre infants

Enrico Dandolo: Everything happens for a reason, little one. And that reason is me.

Hodierne de Jérusalem: 12 year slave huh? sounds like my marriage. which I dont enjoy. to the degree that it is succinctly described by that particular movie title

Alix de Jérusalem: announcin,g in 2016 my new brand alliance with cool arab man

Sybille d’Anjou: im moving to israel, where the boys are nice, as soon as i get confirmation that they use the same kind of toilet paper that we use here

Raimon de Peitieus: im sorry to Wawa for attempting to behead myself in one of their restrooms. i promise to take the Wawa experience more seriously from now on

Andrónikos I: If a billion people have to be impaled to prove it, my worthiness as a Komnēnós will be DEMONSTRATED.

Louis VII de France: in another life... i would make U stay...

Renaud de Châtillon: i put years of hard work into getting my torture degree at torture college & now everyones like "oh tortures bad","its ineffective" fuck off

Friedrich I, Holy Roman Emperor: the conflicted supersoldier stares over the horizon as he smokes a cigarette. "war is the most fucked up thing ever." he takes a sip of beer

Imad ad-Din al-Isfahani: what happens when kirby swallows the qur'an and is granted its considerable power. my 81 chapter fanfic explores this issue -- and more

Heinrich der Löwe, Herzog von Sachsen: Wow, I do not care about that problem.

Henry II of England: i said im sorry. ive taken my lashes upon the cross. my brand is still good and anyone who cant see that is worthless

Agnès de Courtenay: looks like im forced to address false rumors that i own 3 dildos on a shelf labelled "breakfast" "lunch" & "dinner". this is an absurdity .

Amaury Ier de Jérusalem: MarioGodKenneth is stuck in prison again and ive received $0 in donations towards his bail.

Salah ad-Din: We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!”

Bertran de Bòrn: Im a monk in real life, the matrix is real and hummingbirds and other really fast animals are proof positive that bullet time eixists

Corrado del Monferrato: if a sniper shot me i would run over to where he is and kick the gun out of his hand and kill him because hes not specialized in melee fight

Guy de Lusignan: Our only hope now is that the enemy kills so many of us, they become slightly depressed.

Bonifacio del Monferrato: This is a Bulgar hunt, man! A Bulgar hunt! Game over, man! Game over!

Richard I of England: cant wait to get back to iraq and blast some ragheads-- itll be just like halo but with less lag #tcot #nowTHATSghetto #nowplaying #bun

Leopold V., Herzog von Österreich: (in really quiet, barely audible voice) hope your dick falls of bitch

Philippe II de France: wish Obama would authorize some drone strikes against my ex-wife!

Baudouin IX, comte de Flandre: "i wish they got, WiFi down here" - guy who died in the paris catacombs

Simon IV de Montfort: I love the smell of heretics in the morning. You know, one time we set an entire town on fire, for 12 hours. The smell, you know that burning flesh smell, the whole town. Smelled like victory.

Alexios IV Angelos: Local man ruins everything

Raimon-Rogièr, comte de Fois:  bigmouth fake priest telling me to "drink a shitload of holy water and kill yourself" as penance? this has happened at three churches now

Friedrich II, Holy Roman Emperor: I will tell you this right now: I’m from hell. Im highly fucked up. Ive been known to say rude things and watch the carnage unfold brutally

Thibaut Ier de Navarre: i do enjoy spending my weekends "Joining the Army". oh how i hate when monday rolls around & i must say goodbye to all of my soldier friends

Shajar Al-Durr: i ruminate over a scrapbook full of middle finger pics to keep myself demure, respectful and humble. "i deserve these", i utter shitheadedly

Louis IX de France: the nile river is red with blood and your fucking birthday present won't cleanse it. perspective, you fucking rat

Robert Ier, comte de Artois: Leeeeeeeeeeeeeroy!

Charles Ier de Naples: welp, time to rescue egypt from muslims. asomebody please carry all 900 pounds of me to the site of the protests. wait nevermind im good

Beatritz de Provença: What is the point of being married to a prince if he can't wield unfettered power to crush my enemies!?

Baibars: my name is Destyn. i build crossbows and sell weed to all your dads and im 15

Edward I of England: i am going to plunge a sword into our bed and officially end outr 40 yr marriage if you do not stop yelling while i am recording my stream's