#with all due respect. john gaius can STOP TIME

[thermodynamic-comedian]

three pseudo-gods and a first mate walk into a bar...

John battle who wins

John Gaius vs Jonathan Sims vs John Doe vs Jon(ny) d'Ville

You can either vote for your favorite blorbo or consider the information I have provided beneath the cut (spoilers ahead). No results button pick on pure vibes if you have to

John Gaius, Necrolord Prime

- the first necromancer, created the 9 necromantic houses by resurrecting the solar system

- 10,000 years old

- immortal

- was a twitch streamer

- incredibly powerful necromancer (bone, flesh, and spirit magic), once reformed himself after getting vaporized

Jonathan Sims, the Archivist

- the specialest little guy of the Ceaseless Watcher, a fear god surrounding eyes, knowledge, and being perceived

- avatar, the Eye heals him supernaturally quickly, functionally immortal

- has vaporized multiple people with his mind

- asexual

- canonically greying in his late 20s, has so so many scars

John Doe, the Undefeated

- piece of the King in Yellow residing in a 1930s private investigators eyes and arm

- purple prose, says Arthur's name a lot

- tenacious, stubborn, determined, survived the dark world and the dreamlands for quite a while

- the survivability of a cockroach

- supernaturally wooden finger

Jonny d'Ville, First Mate

- mechanical heart that regenerates and resurrects him

- immortal steampunk space pirate C̶a̶p̶t̶a̶i̶n̶ First Mate of the starship Aurora

- unfathomably old through time shenanigans

- permanent death that is foretold (bar fight)

- loves guns and blowing things up and violence

- played by Jonathan Sims who wrote and voiced Jonathan Sims the Archivist

- narrator, dramatic, too many belts

For the purposes of this exercise:

- the Resurrection Beasts are nowhere near J. Gaius for the entirety of the battle

- they are nowhere near a bar fight for the entirety of the battle

- J. Sims has his full Archivist powers

- J. Doe has Arthur, is able to manifest as in part 40, they have their bag and whatever the hell is in it (glass, stone, mask, books, etc), and they have a gun and as many bullets as they would reasonably carry

- J. Doe and Arthur will not be receiving help from Kayne for the duration of the battle, but they start with no serious injuries and are not currently fighting with each other

- teamups are allowed, through there can be only one left alive at the end

- no one has access to their allies (the other Mechanisms, the Archives crew, the Lyctors, the Mithraeum, or the 9 houses)

[n1ghtwr1ter]

A Knight’s Tale Griddlehark AU where Gideon is a commoner squire whose knight, Aiglamene, has been rendered unable to compete (leg incident) and decides in a moment of desperation to take her place in the lists. After meeting with unexpected success, she and her compatriots (Isaac and Jeannemarie as her fellow squires; Palamedes as their herald) begin to make their way through the tournament circuit, hoping to escape desperate poverty, find glory and riches, and change their fates.

Along the way they meet Harrowhark, Lady of the Ninth, unwillingly attending the jousts at the behest of her parents in hopes of finding someone who will rescue her dying House (by marriage if her parents have their way; by funding Harrow’s experiments if she has hers). She gets into an argument with an idiot of a red-haired knight who follows her into a church, of all places, just so they can keep fighting. Despite sending her packing with her sharp-edged tongue, Harrow can’t seem to forget Sir Griddle (which is all she managed to choke out for a name before she got unceremoniously thrown out of the building).

While being courted at the lists by Princess Ianthe of the Third (whom she finds personally repellant, but her fortune is exactly what is needed to restore the Ninth), Harrow is brought face to face with Sir Griddle yet again. This time, it’s a three-way verbal sparring match, and Harrow is left unable to decide which one she hates most. But as the tournament progresses, she is forced grudgingly to admit that Sir Griddle is “something else with that lance.” (Let alone the sword, which our Gideon wins handily, but chooses (like a true idiot) to focus on the joust, which decides the winner of the tournament.)

She is narrowly defeated by Count Ianthe, whose technique is far better than her own (having had years of training to Gideon’s, what, three months?). Griddle is about to slink off in fury but then Harrow’s ancient seneschal shows up, demanding to know the color of Griddle’s tunic for the dance that evening (Harrow having decided that the one person she despises more than Griddle is Ianthe, and the best way to annoy her will be to show up dressed in matching courtly wear).

Gideon, annoyed that Harrow is putting her on the spot, decides to attend despite not knowing how to dance. As luck would have it, Palamedes has met up with his cousin, who’s been working as a blacksmith; Cam shows them the basics, then goes off with Pal in a huddle to design next-gen armor that will fit Gideon much better than Aiglamene’s cast-offs. Harrow and Gideon share a surprisingly sexy dance, pissing Ianthe off to no end and leaving each other in a furious state of “oh no, she’s hot.”

Due to Gideon’s determination, Cam’s genius at smithing (and as Gideon’s new training partner, who regularly kicks her ass), and Palamedes’s over-the-top heraldic intros, Gideon begins to make a name for herself, winning tournaments all over the country. She even decides to joust against a mystery knight, even after discovering that she’s the Crown Princess of the Third in disguise, winning herself Coronabeth’s respect.

Just as she’s about to face Ianthe in the finals, the Princess of Ida is called back to her homeland to fight in their war. Discontented with her default victory, Gideon has a nasty fight with Harrow, who tells her to fuck off. Gideon decides to return to her own home country in search of a championship there, and also to find the annoyingly hot noblewoman who won’t stop needling her (and haunting her increasingly sweaty dreams).

Etc. etc.

Additional details include:

Gideon can’t stop laughing at her own lance-related dick jokes.

When Ianthe thinks she’s got Gideon disqualified from the championships by exposing her for being a commoner, Harrow’s been cooking up some genealogical research and it turns out that Gideon is…actually the child of King John of Gaius, and heir to the throne! So suck my royal dick, Tridentarius.

Harrow’s research concerns, among many other things, the use of bone meal as crop fertilizer/pest repellent to lift the famine that has decimated the Ninth House. Because the Ninth House has more corpses than any other sort of natural resource, she’s got a lot of material to work with.

Ianthe’s herald is Babs.

Aiglamene is back home nursing her lack of leg, but she is fully aware of the nonsense her squires are getting up to (despite their utterly ham-fisted attempts to keep it from her). She figures that holding her tongue won’t hurt, but Harrow will send a very resentful Crux to fetch her to the capitol so she can watch Gideon win the championship.

In the original Knight’s Tale, Jocelyn (female love interest) has a very lovely and smart handmaiden to advise her and act as a go-between.

Harrow’s handmaiden is Crux.