#with a neurodivergent therapist too!!!! im excited

[ashleyloob]

after years of struggling w/ affording it and my own mental blocks I am finally starting therapy next month 😌

[livingasaghost]

september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

[cherrybomboyfriend]

as the fireflies retreated and the sky turned light blue… a pimp from Augusta told me about you

may 11th, 2024.

this is my third consecutive night of writing myself to sleep in this ranty multi-paragraph style. very light connotation on multi-paragraph though because i actually enjoy the process of just consecutively talking instead of organizing my thoughts like condiments on shelves ready for consumption. consume this dick. i’m not for sale. not yet at least… i want to be in the future. i’m the type of person that doesn’t want to admit how gluttonous they are though because of a lingering fear of cracking the inconspicuous paint i’ve smeared onto myself. i never allow myself to speak of anything that goes on inside of these walls because of set rules ive had with myself since the dawn of time. since my neurodivergence has caused me an inconvenience whenever it comes to social customs and hierarchies, i’ve somehow created my own.

1. i’m not allowed to talk about the things that inspire me.

2. i’m not allowed to tell people too much about my past.

3. i’m not allowed to talk about what makes me growl like a sick animal.

do you want to know the things that convert my gluttony from a simple sin to an overarching sick obsession?

the fact that i want to be famous. i want to be rich and i want to be famous. i lie online and say that im anti-celebrity when in reality; when in paradise, i’m a household name. i want people that have wronged me in my past to feel as if they owe me like they owe their rent. what makes me sick is the way that i treat people. i care about my own comfort more than i care about others. is that truly sick? what makes me voracious are the wee hours of the night that i spend eating my entire kitchen as my family is asleep. the way i feed on everything in eye’s view, the way i can never stop even when told to. i starved myself to reverse it but i still have stretchmarks. what are scars but memories we can’t forget? well princess, you’ve given me ample to show since they haven’t yet faded. i’ll forgive you, although you never quite seem to get it. i love you, although you don’t love me more.

my therapist today told me that my lack of sleep and erratic behavior is probably due to hypomania, which i call bullshit as a grin grows from the side of my mouth while thinking about the new medication i’ll be put on this week. i’m excited because the side affects list that my research showed consisted of less anxiety and low appetite, which is a bullseye shot for me! i hope it fixes something. the paint cracks with each and every word that spills out of me about how much better i want to be. it breaks rule number 1.

1. i’m not allowed to talk about the things that inspire me.

what inspires me is finding out the multiple ways in which i am three dimensional. i change. im not just happy and sad. i’m not just manic and depressed. i’m not just social and lonely. i’m the in-betweens. i’m that feeling you get whenever you stalk your ex from middle school on instagram for hours until the sun rises. i’m that feeling you get after smoking a cigarette for the first time and thinking about how your lungs will never be as pink again. i’m that neighborhood you heard about from a top 10 list on youtube that’s most notorious for being full of pimps and hookers. i’m that feeling you get after having an orgasm that tickles you from the inside out with a slimey ick that you’ll soon grow obsessed with. i’m the commercial. im the intermission. i’m the birds that chirp tunes outside of your window at 5 am every morning. i always have been. as the fireflies retreated and the sky turned light blue, my cells and bones turned into diamonds and gold.

[catis15]

Watching the new mean girls

- NO DAD?!?!

- She wants to leave Africa???

- bitch excited to leave in this one I'm confused

- my gf and I are only watching this for the Regina tits

- watching this with our generation is hilarious, old mean girls was giving Disney this is giving actual HS so far 😂

- SHES EMBROIDERING IN CLASS POP OF

- 'care of myself' 😂😭😭😭

- AND CHOKING 😂😭😂😭

- OMG I LOVE THE GAY BITCHES SHIRT

- my three favorite colors with jaguars I WANT IT IT WOULD GO SO GREAT WITH MY MATCHING TRAPPER KEEPER :000

- my gf is so excited for Regina tits

- I love her necklace 💅

- Gretchen that blank stare is scaring me

- OK SRSLY I NEED JANICE'S ENTIRE GODAMN OUTFIT I STG PLSSS 😭

- old boy toy was cuter he's meh .

- THE OTHER FIRLS REACTION

- GURL STOP STOCKING HIM

- GURL STOP DANCING UR BEING CRINGE

- girl was almost Regina-ed

- Gretchen and Janice so me frfr

I had to stop to cook dinner but I shall be back

- Regina's top low-key cute tho

- love the lion/heyna paralell

- why is her bra showing sm 😭

- I mean good for her tbh but like

- she drives a jeep bitch gay

- my gf is gay panicking over this woman sm 😂

- bestiiiies

- that's a lot of pink

- is Regina choking himmmm

- I want to be an art therapist once im done with medical research 🥲

- she's so real like gurl I can't comfort u bish 😭

- 'mama called me beautiful I don't believe her anymore' 😭😭😭😭 baby girl noooo

- hetero alyship 😭

- she's not wrong about Halloween

- girl don't be so gullible

- boy don't follow her

- stupid stupid horny boy

- my gf is no better ATM 😂😂😂

- THEY WERE EVERYTHING 😭

- it's yes Katty not yes bitch 😭

- tho can confirm if say yes bitch or yes queen or he's gurl 😶

- girl code my ass girlcodr this bitch

- poor girl just selling candy canes 😂😭

- poor Gretchen 🥹

- those juicy added details

- love how she just closes the door 😶

- REGINA U DIDN'T

- it's not babiesh and this was not in the original 😭

- is my guy singing in French 👁️👄👁️

- he got a voice tho

- Kevin's parents 🥹

- the insurance so rl

- babydoll Gretchen noooo 😭

- her mom lmaoooo 🤣🤣🤣

- oh nuuuuu girl needs thigh day more than ever poor babes

- that's just unprofessional 🤣😭

- as a red head yes ty ty we are superior

- guuuurl her eyeshadow slays sm

- the lighting symbolism slays tbh

- owie

- her ass fine tho

- he was so passive aggressive

- awe he said her name right

- boy likes being dominated too much

- awee

- boy defend yourself that's right!!!

- uh ooooh

- he's in the thiiin I forgot what it's called but omg it's not even a caaaar 🤣😭😭😭

- as an art kid this huuurtssss

- And I want my pink shirt 🤣😭

- ughshajaj the lighting in this movie 😫

- damn she had a point she was nice to Katty and maybe she's just used to being used 🥹

- it's the boob bounce for me

- it's the tittly slap for me 😭

- I miss the animal music and narration during this scene won't lie

- the fannnn

- preaaach about the period sister 😭

- I forgot they are together

- teachers talking faaacts

- I LOVE THIS SONG I SANG ALONG OBVIOUSLY

- ugh those pants and that top I needed them

- play that guitar sweet pea

- ofc my fave song is sung by the artistic lesbian

- and dayum it ended with a bang

- we pulling out the wench card now?! :0

- ope this isn't how it happened in the movie she don't just confess does she??? It's been awhile

- and technically she didn't write it the other two did

- she nicer than me frfr

- OMG it's the dude mean girls 😂❤️

- where do ik her frommm

- the original oml also that new Irish movie

- not the grilled cheese 😂😭

- THIS HAS ONLY HAPPENED ONCE BEFORE 😭😭😭😭🥰🥰

- BITCH STFU

- support ur fellow gals

- HUNNY I DONT KNOW YOUR LIFE

- Girls so neurodivergent I don't take criticism

- welcome to science waaars she's so the math section ✨

- pop off gretch

- gurl u look pretty in that jacket yellow and blue ur colors

- bitch is a compliment goddamit

- WHY DOESN'T HE HAVE A SHIET ON 😭

- a buss pushed me 😂

- I'd think u have to give a speech too NGL lmao

- his gasp

- she's so suped up on pain meds 😂😭

- no vaping and give me that inhaler 😂😭

- factttts u two mwah mwah

- damnn that was a good ending but I wish they would've included the first one with it

[skylar36]

So, question for all you neurodivergeny folks like myself who have been masking so hard for so long that they basically started stimming as an adult. I’m 20 and I don’t know how to explain to my mom that the weird thing I’ve been doing with my hands lately is a stim and I should have felt like it was okay to do it my entire childhood, but for whatever reason I didn’t.

Probably the complete lack of adult neurodivergent role models that stim.

I don’t know how to explain to her that I didn’t just start stimming because I saw some people on TikTok do it and thought it was cool, I started doing it because I saw some people on TikTok and thought, “oh, I’m allowed to do that because it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with me because my head sometimes wants to twitch in different directions and my hands want to fly around when I’m happy.”

I don’t know how to explain to her that I don’t flap my hands around because I saw someone on TikTok do it, I do it because the way I’ve been dealing with too many emotions has been to hit myself (I stop if it hurts, but it’s still not good) and this has been an incredibly positive change in my life.

I don’t know how to explain to her that the tone of her voice when I have conversations with her have such a dramatic impact on me and I shut down when it feels like I’m about to be made fun of even if that’s never what she intends because I’m still feeling really sensitive and defensive about it.

It’s still raw. It feels like I’ve had a part of myself hidden away for so long and I’m so excited to share it, but I’m also so scared of being rejected for it. Or made fun of for it. Not because my family is malicious, but because we tease each other a lot and this is something that isn’t ready to be teased. It’s too new, it’s too raw. Like an open wound.

You can laugh with everyone about an old scar. I have a scar from a fight with my sister years ago and it’s hilarious because it came from such a superficial scratch that I don’t even think actually drew blood. I wasn’t laughing while it was still healing, but I’m laughing now.

Im not ready to laugh at stims that objectively look very silly. I know that someday I will be, but not today. The wound is still healing. It’s scabbing over, but it hasn’t quite scarred and faded into the past yet.

We’ve known that I have ADHD since I was little and my mom has been a strong advocate for my school accommodations and getting medication when it became clear that that’s what would help me most. Just to make it known that my mom is not a neurodivergence denier and she’s never told me that I need to be more normal or anything like that.

Though she did look very confused when I called ADHD a disability, so there is that. I think we’ve got some of that internalized ableist ideas that I have so much potential and if I would just work harder to apply myself, then I would be doing so much better. We’ve worked on that, it’s become clear that it’s not just my dumbass being lazy, we just didn’t know what the fuck executive dysfunction was and what it means. I had been telling people for years (including therapists so idk wtf they were doing knowing I had ADHD and not explaining to the crying middle schooler that what she’s describing has a name and there are tools to help with that, but go off ig) that I didn’t fucking know why I couldn’t do my homework. I wanted to get it done because I always felt better when it was done, but I just could not do it. Nobody suggested that maybe I try this or maybe we do some research on executive dysfunction and emotional regulation in people with ADHD. Not a single fucking adult, even the child therapist that I saw in middle school, but that’s a rant for a different day because I’ve got some feelings about that.

Right, this turned into a vent where I make metaphors that probably don’t make any sense. Anyway, I would still like that advice if anyone has some. My mom isn’t an asshole, she’s willing to listen, it’s just hard not to feel like I’m being talked down to.

Maybe it’s just my own attitude and expectations that are the issue here?