#wish me luck tbh i might be getting ahead of myself

[monellian]

because I have no self control, I did it.

OSD is by @calcium-cat OSDiff is by @warriorstale001

[lalasknives]

hi I’m asking you take down what bapacontents said please. she’s one of my good friends and it just hurts to see her post here. I get a lot has happened as of recent but like if you could ever be so kind to take it down would be good. u don’t have to like her so don’t worry about that. and I forgive u for this.

I rlly don't like doing this but I have to keep the post up, especially since they don't seem to have any remorse for what they said.

Trust me when I say that I would 100% have took the post down if they showed even the tiniest amount of regret.

I'm not gonna stand by and let someone dehumanise a 16 yearl girl who just wants AND DESERVES to live her best life, away from all the creeps.

They talk about choosing to be a "public figure" as if she could stop. Being an actor is one of the few jobs in this world that you can't totally step away from, because you are going to get recognised even after you quit. Take actors like Tom Holland, who might not have quit, but still is on along break from acting, yet paparazzi are still following him around.

If this rlly is your friend as you say, then pls educate them and teach them better, because that's what friends do, they hold each other accountable.

I won't go in their dms and educate them, simply because it's not my job to educate ppl who are so clearly in the wrong.

Since I created this account, me and all the ppl on this platform have been warning yall about not sharing stuff you aren't supposed to share, just because you can and it always "df tumblr is so dramatic🙄🙄" or something like that, yet when it came back to bite in the ass, some ppl rlly wanna act entitled.

I'm glad the acc who posted that acc, has deleted the pics and has also owned up and apologised, genuinely. I hope this was a valuable lesson to them and to the whole fandom.

However, this is not a mess I've gotten myself involved, so it's not fair for me to play peacekeeper for someone so stubborn, who can't actually grasp the fact that a 16 year old girl would want actual privacy (and tbh this is the only acc who said this as far as I am aware).

Again, if you want to educate this person, go ahead and honestly wish you the best of luck but I'm sick of this situation as it is, because where for some ppl this started a couple days ago, df tumblr has been repeating the same thing for a good year now.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

[teresa-moyocoyotzin]

short recap of my thoughts on 5x09

okay so i was gonna rewatch the whole episode and do a blow-by-blow reaction post but i’m not sure i’ll have time and i kinda wanna focus on watching my fave scenes from the show before tonight. also, everyone else’s reaction posts p. much sum up my thoughts lol 

nonetheless, i just wanted to give my main takeaways on the episode a week later, in case anyone cares where i’m at going into the finale! gonna go over the things i liked first, anyone who wants to just remain positive and not see any salty takes might wanna just stick to reading the first part b/c i definitely rant a bit at the end lmao. we’re still having a fun time tho 😂

THINGS I LOVED

- i mean... i think we know LOL

- obviously. i loved james and teresa’s i love you scenes, and kisses, and OOF THAT SEX SCENE. if someone had told me we were gonna get that scene back in like 2017??? i probably would have started literally floating. i totally respect that people had very specific ideas of what they wanted out of those scenes and could have different feelings about it but NOT ME BABES I AM ECSTATIC!!! i did go into the episode with a ~feeling~ that we were gonna get at least one ILY in the episode, and i just had a feeling it would be james, or at least that he would say it first. i’ve already explained in my meta about the scenes why i think it makes sense that he said it first and why i love it that he did, so i won’t go into that here. but i went in having really no expectations for it other than that it was gonna happen! i was debating about whether it would happen really casually while they’re talking, or in like a big action scene, or really dramatic or what, and what i would prefer, and i came to the conclusion that i would love it no matter what lol, but i was really into the idea of james just. fucking. saying it. while they’re just talking about something really casually. so therefore i was pretty happy with it when we got sort of a mix! they’re talking about teresa’s insane death trap of a plan so there’s that drama of “i don’t want to lose you esp. not before saying ILY” kinda thing, but it’s also just. so simple and sure! and then teresa’s i love you is like the perfect scene for me where one character is super focused on something else (in this case, trying to protect the woman he loves! agh!) and the other is just like.. i love you!!!! SO GOOD

- let’s see, what the hell else happened in this ep?

- oh okay i really liked james and teresa’s vibes this episode, they were so focused on each other and had this very ride-or-die feeling about them like they knew that each of their plans was increasingly stupid and desperate and might not even get them where they wanna go, but they were IN IT TOGETHER no matter what 😭i wish we had gotten a callback to that line but at this point, i’m p. sure they Know they’re in it together, and we do too. so it’s okay. i love that teresa still asks his input and considers his opinions even if she does her own thing anyways haha 

- oh on that note, i LOVED the moment where their plans to kill Kostya aren’t working and Teresa says something like “If I can meet with him in person, I can kill him myself” and James just has this LOOK that just is the epitome of the “I am in love with a women who is DESIGNED TO STRESS ME OUT��� meme lol, it made me giggle, v classic QOTS moment 

- oh and of course, I LOVED that scene with devon and james at the end!!!!!!!! i was also confused about how james was showing all his emotions in that scene esp. since he tries to be stoic about his feelings for Teresa around Devon, but now that i’ve read a few people’s thoughts about, it i’m fully on board w the theory that james and teresa already knew this was coming, b/c they’re smart, and b/c james knows devon wouldn’t have let him walk away to save Teresa at the beginning of the season without motivation (like having him in place to kill her when she’s no longer useful to the CIA) and THEREFORE james was sort of “overacting” to make it believable to devon (and the audience lol) that he didn’t know this was coming, didn’t want to do it, but felt like he had to, rather than the fact that they were already plotting a fake death. that makes a lot of sense to me and makes me really love all the layers to that scene. it does give me a little bit of hope that the finale ~teresa’s not really dead~ reveal will be at least a little well executed and not just shoved in at the very end. we shall see though! 

- alright i think that’s what i loved about the episode, if u don’t wanna hear me bitching about the little things then u should probably stop here!! just have to get out some of my saltiness lol 

THINGS I WAS ANNOYED ABOUT

- i’m just gonna get it out of the way, yes, i too was supremely annoyed at the amount of KA and Pote take suburbia; it was all 1000% predictable down to the raccoon and the cookies, and the point could have been accomplished in exactly 1 scene, maybe 2, certainly not like 10 or however many we got. whatever. ugh. 

- okay. OKAY. chicho. we need to talk about chicho. i for one, am not mad that he called pote, my boy was stressed. I AM HOWEVER, mad at the writers for making pote come back after saying he trusted chicho to take care of teresa now. like. it totally devalued THE WHOLE THING!! imo, pote shoulda stayed his ass at home where we had to watch him settle all episode, and chicho should have gotten THE HERO MOMENT HE DESERVED (esp. cuz he’s on first name basis w teresa now??) which ALSO WOULD HAVE MADE THE SCENE WHERE TERESA GIVES CHICHO THE DISTILLERY AND THE BAR SO! MUCH! MORE! MEANINGFUL!!!!! or just made it make sense at all? like .... i’m just so confused by that whole plotline like what was the point? chicho does nothing but call pote and gets T’s whole legacy in NOLA? 

- and don’t even get me started on how it makes ZERO sense that pote would have had to charge in at the last minute to save teresa when JAMES THE SNIPER W AMAZING AIM WHO IS LITERALLY. IN LOVE WITH HER. is standing outside like. ur telling me james and chicho (who again, is supposed to be her #2 after james now) just stood there like “oh hey pote yeah you go ahead we’ll wait here good luck” like WHAT also.. how did pote get past all the guards that made james stay outside? are we meant to believe pote is that sneaky? y’all. it just. doesn’t make sense. this whole plot situation maddens me more than anythings tbh UGH JUST MAKE IT MAKE SENSE 

- oksana’s daughter..... what’s her name again? idk b/c we only MET HER THIS WEEK....okay this amuses me but i’m also annoyed b/c like. there were so many other women who could have taken that spot in the opening sequence... Lil T, Castel, hell even Isabela??? Like idk how they could have done it but they put so much effort into her plot in the first seasons that i really thought she was gonna end up w/ Teresa in the end.. idk that would have been kind cool, Camila’s two “daughters” eventually working their way out of the life together..again idk how they could have realistically done it but i really do wish it had been someone we met before. if it had to be someone new this season, they could have introduced her earlier instead of one of the seemingly dozens of random guys we knew for 1 episode before they died... like.. give her some depth please. is she even gonna be in the finale? honestly she better be after making us listen to pote welcome her into the family... like the family u were supposed to leave so u could have an actual baby pote? the family that’s literally dispersing as we speak? also.. since when did pote love oksana so much anyways? also...... just.. if teresa’s gonna have some sort of daughter figure or whatever she’s supposed to be, wouldn’t it make sense to have her be the one to give the big welcome to the family speech? idk y’all..... i’m amused but also baffled at the sheer lack of planning behind this. did no one realize they needed someone for the opening scene until like. halfway thru the season? did they plan to have it be castel but they couldn’t get her for filming (hence all the weird castel plots?) INQUIRING MINDS WOULD LIKE TO KNOW. it’s whatever tho lol 

- i just hope that what’s-her-name gets a lil bit of plot in the finale esp. since otherwise it might just be pote running around being pissy (i don’t actually think that haha but i am a lil nervous that teresa won’t come back until the last few mins and i’ll have to spend all episode looking at boaz and devon and pote and KA.. i haven’t looked at any spoilers tho so i’m still hopeful! i will probably make a post about my hopes going into the finale a lil later, both realistic and unrealistic :) 

[ocegion]

For the character meme, obviously: Nicky & Joe 😘

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!! thanks so much for the ask I immensely appreciate it!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3

(also I went FAR OVERBOARD with this, I speak far too much when given the chance. Sorryyyyyyyyyy)

Joe:

First impression: Well, if it isn’t hot-but-dull Jafar. I know he’s gay in this one so that’s a plus point, but I’m not holding out much hope. He looks extra cute and fuzzy here though, that’s neat. (I want to clarify that I formally apologize to Mr Marwan Kenzari for having ever thought he couldn’t act, shame on me).

Impression now: *sobbing* He’s so GOOD and he’s so SOFT. He’s so full of love and passion and he can barely keep it inside and I’m honestly overwhelmed by how much I love this guy. Like, he’s so full of emotion and it’s so clear in his face at any given moment and that’s no weakness, that’s his strength and I just. Ugh. It’s so refreshing and great. Love is stored in the Joe. I wish real life had people like him.

Favorite moment: okay so it’s hard to decide because all his moments are great, but I’m going to go with the moment in which he waits for Nicky to wake up after Keane shoots him. You can see how he can barely keep inside the fear and panic he has when Nicky isn’t waking up, and then, when he does, Joe takes a moment to look aside and exhale before grasping him. Like he physically needed to let it out. I’m not sure if I’m explaining myself properly, but those couple seconds of body language fascinate me.

Unpopular opinion: It is entirely possible that it shows up in some secondary material that I just haven’t seen, in which case I’m dumb and I’m sorry for this, but I don’t think Joe is necessarily a poet? Like don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the idea of poet Joe and I do think he probably has an easier time around words than the rest of the Guard, but I’m not too sure where the idea came from? I think his speech in the ban comes out of the pure, raw love he has for Nicky more than any formal education he might have had about any of it. He’s just that passionate. I mean, not that I think it’s wrong of anything. I just think canon doesn’t give any indication at all about it. (plus comic Joe said something along the lines of ‘brewing the stew of love’ which is the most hilariously unpoetical thing ever lmao).

Favorite relationship: uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh is it cheating to say Nicky? I’m gonna go with Nicky. I could go on for quite a while about his relationship with Nicky and I’m gonna spare us all having to go through that but I will say that as long as Joe and Nicky are alive the concept of romance just simply cannot die. They singlehandedly keep it alive and flourishing. 100000/10 best love story ever, I accept no criticism.

Favorite headcanon: Joe is a man who is, at any given moment, 110% in control of his own emotions. Like, he’s a emotionally driven man, no doubt about that, but he’s not impulsive in the least. When he was shouting at Booker, it wasn’t impulsive, he was angry as hell and decided to let him know. Then during the escape he shut it off and didn’t let it get in the way of cooperation, then let it out again. It’s like he has a valve on his own emotions that he willingly manipitales when he deems it right. He is very aware of his own emotions and just refuses to repress it for things like, pretending that what Booker did wasn’t that big of a deal, dude knows he’s entitled to be upset about it. Most emotionally mature and stable man on Earth.

Nicky:

First impression: I thought he looked soft and also sort of awkward-looking, but in a good way if that makes sense? tbh I expected him to be a nice character that didn’t get that much depth because he’d stay in the sidelines and only have a handful surface traits.

Impression now: I LOVE how hard it is to pin Nicky down as just this or that part of his personality, the way fandom usually does with characters. He’s soft and kind, but he will stay his ground and not let anyone walk over him. He believes in doing good as the purpose of his life, but he won’t hesitate to commit murder (Gotta wonder how exactly his moral code works). He’s warm and welcoming, but also sort of reserved and not saying much about himself. If you try to shove Nicky into any of the usual fandom archetypes, you’re missing at least half of his character.

Favorite moment: As with Joe, I have a hard time picking up just one single moment, bit I’ll go with the moment he brings up Malta. His whole demeanor while in the lab is fascinating, but I think it’s that particular moment that probably defines Nicky best. They’re in a very though and uncertain situation, and he brings up a fond memory to raise spirits, his own but mostly Joe’s. Idk, I feel like it shows that a) he’s very aware of how other people are feeling/thinking and wants to make it better, and b) he has, at his core, hope (in this specific situation, hope that they’ll make it out, but it relates to his belief that they have a purpose).

Unpopular opinion: I tbh don’t think that time in Malta was a sex thing at all. I in general don’t read them as a particularly sexual couple, but even if they were, I doubt a sex vacation, of any kind, would be something that stands out that much in a relationship this long. Whatever Malta was, it’s a secret between them and I honestly like that.

Favorite relationship: See, this is why I felt like saying Joe’s favorite relationship was Nicky felt like cheating. Because I’m going to answer the exact same thing. I mean, is there any other option, really. Really. The answer is no and we all know it. Anyway. Joe and Nicky lucked out in Immortal roulette and tbh who can blame Booker for being a little bit bitter about it. Anyone would be jealous of such PERFECTION.

Favorite headcanon: Nicky is the most spiritual member of the Guard (Nile is probably on par with him or even more, but she probably has a few years of faith crisis ahead of her). He has a solid belief in purpose and goodness which is much more firm than his original sense of faith, after centuries of questioning it. I also think that while he probably still maintains a somewhat christian view on faith, the years have eroded away specific religions from it. He’s sort of agnostic, but not in a ‘I don’t know if there’s a higher power’ way, but in a ‘I know there’s a higher power, but I don’t care what name it has’ way.

Both

Idea for a story: Okay I’m doing this one like this because it’s literally the same answer for both lmao. Excluding pieces of character exploration and missing scenes and stuff, I’ve got a fic (on semi-hiatus until I finish my exams) about ‘what if instead of speedrun enemy to lovers, they were DUMB and spent like 400 years pining for each other and not seeing the other is in love too’. I’m also lowkey thinking up a Dragon Age AU, which is more of an entire-cast thing that just these two, but of course their storylines in it go inherently together. It’s probably too big a project for me actually carry out lmao. But it’s there in my mind, I have backstories and character classes and everything in the works. Maybe someday.

[assless-chapstick]

This is me sending myself an ask… because I am boredt and my teeth hurt and I want to lay in bed….

So I ask myself … how are the Couch AU boys coping with the COVID19 lockdown??? Are they ok??

Tbh I think Charles and John are taking it harder than Arthur and Javi. Like, Arthur and Javier are a little more stable, a little more mentally well/neurotypical, and while everyone is finding it hard, I think Charles and John are struggling more than average.

Charles practically lives at John and Arthurs place, so he’s locked down over there; half his stuff is over there already, and while it might be a little crowded, it’s better than him being alone at his place. He doesn’t have any roommates and he needs to have someone around to help with the anxiety and keep him on a schedule. With Arthur around, he doesn’t sink completely into a depression. Sure, he’s finding it hard to focus and stay motivated and he spends a lot more time on the couch, napping and watching jeopardy and comfort-eating, but he’s not completely vacant and spending all day in bed, forgetting to shower or eat like he might if he was alone.

Arthur has a little gym/studio in the spare bedroom where he draws and does his fuckin bowflex or whatever, and they set Charles up there so he can get some studying done and continue to attend classes online. Charles is just finishing his first year of law school and he’s like, determined not to let this whole situation fuck up his academic career, even if he’s a little worried about it all…

Arthur is going a little stir-crazy; he works at an autobody shop, and they closed for a couple weeks at the beginning so he was out of work for a while. He was all “perfect I can work on my art,” but he’s so used to being super busy working two jobs and going to the gym and shit that having so much free time has been stressful to him. He processes a lot of feelings through anger, so the punching bag on the balcony has taken some pretty rough beatings the past couple weeks…

He’s back at work now, three days a week, so he’s feeling a little better… I think his biggest concern is money, cuz with reduced hours and all the cons he was planning to sell art at being cancelled, his income is reduced, and as a teen/early 20s he struggled a lot so that really scared him… But Dutch and Hosea aren’t too bad off and they’ll help out if he or John are ever in a pinch…

I think Arthur authors/creates a queer cowboy romance webcomic, so he’s been working on that a lot… he’s finally pages ahead and has some updates queued, so if he needs to be can afford to take a break for a week or two! He’s psyched about that. His patreon profits have gone down a little, but he’s got some loyal-ass fans and they’re really helping him thru it, too, I think… and he’s made some new merch for the first time in ages, and has had time to open up more commissions… He and Charles spend a lot of afternoons in the study, listening to Arthur’s vinyls and working together in silence …

So Arthur is doing ok, and Charles is pulling through, but John is having a… really rough go. For someone who seems really chaotic, John really really thrives when he had a routine and a set schedule, and with classes being moved online or canceled, he’s really struggling to keep a routine and as a result, his mental health is suffering. It also doesn’t help that he can’t leave the house and can’t see Javi, a major source of security for him. John runs to get his frustration out, and not feeling like it’s safe to go for a run has him feeling really bad.

He and Javi FaceTime every night, but it’s not the same and John is pretty miserable. He spends a lot of time in his room, music Loud, and he stops sleeping with any sort of regularity. The stress also makes his nightmares worse, I think, so he’s spending a lot more time avoiding sleep, which definitely makes him even bitchier than he would be otherwise. That and the situation have him really snappy, so there’s some Big Fights between him and Arthur; fights over nothing, fighting just to have something to do, to just feel something, because he’s angry with the situation and the feelings and everything… He’d just started to get his life on track and here it is, all out of order again. The uncertainty and instability are really unsettling for him.

I think John’s been seeing his therapist online, but it’s not the same, and he really hates it. In the first few weeks, things were all over the place and he forgot to take his meds and stuff… when Arthur noticed something was wrong, he kind of just started gently helping John remember to do things, just gently coaxing him and reminding him to take his pills, etc…

Like Arthur starts making meal at the same time every day, and cooks for all three of them so John remembers to eat… he makes coffee and sings when he makes breakfast to wake John up, and they watch movies and play boardgames and stuff after dinner, just to keep John on a little bit of a schedule. John usually goes to bed in his own room and climbs into Arthur and Charles’ later in the night, but during this whole thing, he starts going to bed with Arthur and Charles, and that helps too...

I think eventually he gets a little more used to it, once he gets back into a routine and then he’s still having trouble, but he’s doing better…

Javi lives in college dorms, so he’s moved back to living with his mum and his sister, which sucks, but that also means he can borrow his mum’s car… so when John is feeling really bad, one day, Javi throws his guitar in the trunk and goes to John and Arthurs place and stands under the balcony and plays all the dumb joke songs he’s written for John… songs called shit like “im sorry I backwashed in your redbull, flaquita” and “youre a pendejo but I love you anyway” and that cheers them both up…

Also, John makes up little care packages and has Arthur drop them off at Javi’s!! little doodles (John’s been practicing drawing but he’s like, crazy bad, just awful) and poems (marginally better, not great), their favourite snacks, little trinkets from around the house and stuff he picks up on his runs (once he starts going on runs again), and of course, of course, cuz he’s nasty, panties that he MAYBE wore on his run, for Javi to, y’know, do with what he will…

And of course they have a lot of phone sex, especially once John pulls it together a bit… at first he kind of went AWOL and didn’t talk to anyone, let his phone go dead and stuff, but he’s doing better now and now they’re… being quarantine horny …

Javi prefers regular voice phonesex, loves to call John up and tease his girl until John whines for him to stop, ask if John is touching himself when Javi can tell by the hitch of his breath that he is… Javi loves that, but not seeing one another, John insists they do videocalls, even if Javi is a little uncomfortable…

But it leads to some… fun roleplay … John pretends to be an innocent starlet trying to make it big, and Javi is a big-time director that keeps on pushing… “you look so good on camera, babe, but maybe take the bra off, let us see how those little titties of yours look? Don’t be shy, it’s all business, just want to see… grab them for me, that’s it, now show me that ass…”

And they also play like Javi is broadcasting the video to everyone, like all his friends can see what a whore Javi’s girl is, how he can suck that dildo like it was a real cock and how desperate he is for it… they pretend Javi is advertising John as if he’s a thing for sale, like Javi is booking John’s ass by the hour…. All “cmon baby, show them how greedy your pussy is, you’re gonna take so many cocks for me tonight, you’ll be leaking cum by the time they’re done with you, you’ll be so sore but you’ll do it for me, won’t you, flaca? Til you’re rubbed raw and then I’ll slide into your wet, gaping hole…”

And of course, of course, John BIG gets off on watching Javi jerk off into the panties he sends him… Javi maybe even… sniffs them, licks them a little, cuz he misses John so bad and he loves the way John looks in the pale yellow, lacy panties he’s got wrapped around his dick, loves the idea of coming in them and then making John put them back on,…

Aaaand that’s that on that, I think!! So thanks for reading, mister, if you’re still out there somewhere. I have dental surgery tomorrow and I’m more scared than a spider in a shoe factory, so please wish me some luck and send me some non-COVID related asks, iffin you’re feeling it!!

[prismatic-starstuff]

Hello hello I'm here to ramble :) I'm nonbinary too and honestly I kind of want to change my name (secretly) but that's also the name of a character I'm writing about and I feel like it'd be stupid to name myself after my own character and also I might not like the name anymore if I give up the story I'm writing

Hello fellow nonbinary pal! 💜

So I am a genderfluid/nb person who changed their name, but this is a really personal decision so I can only really tell you my thoughts on the matter, but I hope that helps at least a bit!

So, my personal thoughts on the matter are: if you personally like the name and think it works well on you, go right ahead! There's no shame in naming yourself after a character of yours, it's not stupid at all; a good name is a good name, you know? When I was younger, before I fully settled on a new name for myself, I used to use different names for myself in my head because I have never vibed with my birth name for lots of reasons; a few of those were the names of characters of mine, so I get it!

About not liking the name if you stop writing your story; the first time I heard the name Etienne was technically something related to an old fandom (someone had an OC in said fandom called Etyenne and that's how I learned about the name,) but because I just like it and it works for me, I decided to use it years and years later because I don't associate it with any of that anymore, I just associate it with me. So what I'm trying to say is, if you enjoy the name and feel it works for you, I'm sure even if you give up the story, you'll see the name as just being you and you'll still like it even if it was associated with something you're no longer doing/no longer interested in/no longer associating yourself with, you know?

There's never any harm in just trying it out for a test run, either; refer to yourself as that name in your head for a while, maybe ask some friends to call you by that name, see if it works out. And if it doesn't, there's honestly no harm in trying out multiple names before you make any sort of legal or official change, if that's something you're even planning on doing! It's always good to let yourself explore and figure out what's good for you.

I really don't know if any of this helps, I've only just woken up and I'm bad at this at the best of times tbh 😅 All this can be difficult, so I really do wish you the best of luck! 💜

[lovely-suga]

My attempt at talking about literary symbolism in The Wicked King (big oof)

With Queen of Nothing releasing in literally two days, I’ve taken to re-reading the other Folk of the Air books and when reading Wicked King I got to the part where Jude talks to Val Moren and he gives her “advice” and juggles for her, and because I now know that Holly Black encrypts a lot of symbolism into her books, I started paying attention to this scene and what exactly Val Moren is juggling and what it could represent for the story. 

I couldn’t find any discussion on this topic so I wanted to try my hand at what I thought it could mean and maybe some kind souls could hmu and we could dissect this one scene all together like a bookclub 👀 or you could shout ideas at me through the ask box 👀 or IDK JUST SOME FORM OF  IDEA PITCHING 👀

(I’m new to the fandom so if this was already mentioned I’M SORRY + pls link me !!)

(Long read ahead...)

So, in the text Val Moren juggles “a stone, three acorns, a piece of crystal, and what appears to be a wishbone.” and when I went digging online (to the best of my abilities at like 9.30pm on a Sunday night) to see what these objects usually mean in literature, I found:

a stone typically represents endurance, coldness, stubbornness, and stability

acorns = strength and potential, and also the Nordic and Celtic symbol of life, fertility, and immortality

crystals have a lot of meanings, but (from what I found) the meaning typically sways to ice, clarity, purity, and energy

and (unbroken) wishbones can mean luck and wishes, obvs lol 

BUT, what does it all mean?!

In the book Val Moren then says “’Juggling, you see, is just tossing two things in the air at the same time.’” and “begins to toss the acorns back and forth, then adds the wishbone.” I believe (and this is where I want this sort of book club discussion to come in) that the three acorns represent Oak, Jude, and Cardan. 

Oak, not just because of his name, but because he’s being raised to become king in the future and has the potential to be an amazing ruler for being raised outside of Faerie. 

With Jude I think her potential is not only the romantic potential between her and Cardan, but also her potential to power, to feeling like she belongs in this world she so deeply believes she can’t survive in, her potential of being the Queen and literally just her overall character development. 

Lastly, with Cardan, I think his potential is, like with Jude, the romance, and his character development, because we’ve seen the shift of him from Cruel Prince to Wicked King where he goes from being really sadistic and cruel (ha!) to openly caring and expressing maybe more than just sexual desire for Jude, and from hating being king to enjoying and being pretty good at ruling, and his development could work into how he always viewed the crown with disdain and kind of shirked his responsibilities as a member of the royal family, to actually stepping up and not being 100% awful.

Regarding the wishbone, I think that could be tied to multiple things, like Jude’s plans to make Oak king, her wish for power, maybe something to do with her and Cardan (I don’t like falling back on the prospect of ��Jurdan”’s relationship but I’m drawing blanks in symbol meaning possibilities, currently in need of a discussion !) Maybe it could tie with Jude’s one year agreement with Cardan for him to obey her? Or her banishment?

The juggling scene continues on, with Val Moren saying “'No matter how many things you add, you’ve got only two hands, so you can only toss two things. You’ve just got to throw faster and faster, higher and higher.’ He adds the stone and the crystal, the things flying between his hands fast enough that it’s hard to see what he’s tossing. I suck in a breath. Then everything falls, crashing to the stone floor. The crystal shatters. One of the acorns rolls close to the fire.”

So in this part Black doesn’t write about what happened to any of the other objects, like the stone or whether or not the wishbone breaks, just that “everything falls, crashing to the stone floor” and only focuses on the crystal and the one acorn, which I have to believe implies that these two objects are the most important and should be what we focus on.

Since the crystal shatters, and crystals can be symbols of ice, clarity, purity, and energy blah blah, what could the crystal mean? Maybe, the crystal could symbolize the trust Cardan had with Jude and how it literally shatters when she confesses to having killed Balekin? Tbh I’m kind of stumped on that one...

Regarding the juggling scene, I think what it’s supposed to represent, as whole, is the future events of The Wicked King. Like the juggling and everything falling, plus the objects themselves, are prophesying what’s gonna go down in the next few chapters. Plus I believe that the actual juggling correlates with how Jude was feeling throughout the book with balancing her seneschal duties, monitoring Cardan, Balekin, Madoc, Locke, then her two sisters and Oak, and working with the Court of Shadows, the Undersea, her own emotions, etc etc. Basically, Jude’s got a lot on her plate and she’s juggling all of these things to keep them in order but she only has two hands = she can only do so much at the same time, and when everything falls it’s her losing control of all these elements she was keeping tabs on and it becomes a mess at the end of the book when she’s confronted by it all.

Now with he reference of the acorn rolling close to the fire, I feel it could either link with Jude being banished from Faerie or something that happens in Queen of Nothing maybe? Fire can mean a lot of things, like illumination, rage, anger, violence, destruction, renewal, literally anything depending on the context. Maybe the fire could mean the enlightenment/lightbulb moment Jude feels when she figures out how to get back to Faerie? After all didn’t someone say they talked to the author and she said that wording is always important in Faerie and that the wording of Cardan’s banishment for Jude is important? Maybe the fire symbolizes Faerie itself and how close the mortal realm is to it or how close Jude is? Or how close Jude came to being in that situation that she couldn’t escape from like how her banishment kind of saved her from being killed by the Undersea? Or, even though I said I don’t like falling back on Jurdan, how close she came to that sort of passionate emotion, the feeling of belonging and closeness and how close their relationship came to being... an actual relationship and not just constant tension?

I’m not sure why this one scene is taking control of my thoughts, I was literally ready to pour over it all by myself in my head, but I couldn’t stoping thinking about it and couldn’t not write it down you know? Just to sort of compile my ideas and have it all laid out, and I know Queen of Nothing comes out in two days (omg) and it might answer some of my questions, or raise more idk, but it’s always fun to theorize and throw ideas around!

If anyone actually read my two cent attempt at literary analysis, any form of acknowledgement is very much appreciated !! 

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Hungary to Eurovision with yet another father song apparently

Hungary, I love you, but you're bringing me down...

Never in my life have I wanted to fight a NF as much as A Dal 2019. The lineup was considerably less engaging with me than the previous year's one (but in the end it turned out to be even MORE engaging than the previous year's one), the design update (to which I got used to like 10 minutes later anyway) happened, the jury exterminated a handful of favourites, and a common Eurofan's worst fear apart from not having at least one glitzy-schlager-fiesta-wrapped entry a year occured yet again - the under/over-staging of songs with potential. What could've been a smooth sailing sweet ballad sung by a man with all his heart turned out to be a confused fisherman's piano boy tune with little to no emotional connection with the televiewer; a killer electropop soundscape piece sprinkled with intensity, fragility and neon-like colors was supposedly performed by a lost-on-stage housewive who probably has 2 kids and 2 cats at home; and that one folksy melody set to campfire suddenly lost all its fire with a snow backdrop behind. Truly a wrong time to become a full-on Hungary stan.

And yet, out of all this hot savaging and rampaging mess, entangled with fan-fave losses and one eliminee too late thanks to a common ESC song's worst fear (plagiarism accusations), emerged one gloriously victorious soul in the shape of a brave man of gypsy 'origo' who once has been elected to Eurovision to make his country proud with his killer ethnic track 2 years ago, and he nailed that right to the T, with the help of an onstage dancer and violinist (both female) to create some space for the song to breathe and exhale the passion of what he sang out of his heart by then - Joci Pápai. Yes, him again! Who did you expect, András Kállay-fucking-Saunders??

Anyways, his song this year is titled “Az én apám” (My father), written by him and partially co-written by a man hiding himself behind the name Caramel (and I prefer caramel candy more than the actual raw caramel tbh), who is probably finally lucky enough to see a composition of his go to Eurovision after he himself couldn’t quite make it as himself right back on the very first A Dal. This year he also wrote a cute little harmless ballad for a 16 year old girl but we’ll discuss her later (maybe), because it’s Joci’s time. Again.

As the title already indicates, it’s another song about a father, and unlike for AWS’s lead singer, Joci’s father is... alive and well, surprisingly, considering Joci is 37 and, at the time of his fatherly loss, Örs Siklósi from AWS was approximately 24-25. That definitely does not mean the parents’ loss can’t come in at any time of your year - A Dal 2019 had a contestant whose mother was murdered when he was NINE. 0_0 Not to mention that some mothers die during childbirth, too. Or even maybe some fathers die before children were born because all they need to be in part of babymaking is to give her satisfaction at the right time and boom, 9 months (or even earlier/later) of wait. But I digress. This is much different song from “Origo” as “Origo” had this ethnic upbeat rhythm to it, with violins included, and was mostly a captivating song with a little bit of rapping because Joci couldn’t fit so many words in all of the other verses he could have thought of for this song without having to extend the song for A Dal submission, so he had to do the rap, sorry “Origo” rap bit’s haters. “Az én apám”, meanwhile, has him project his feelings against a musical backdrop of a little bit more softer, acoustic, chill tune with a little poppier arrangement (and add some violins during his live performance on two of the A Dal shows, that are now a permanent part of the ESC version of the song!). And instead of the Romani onomatopoeia we’re getting “na na na, ya ya yah” in the chorus, which is as nice, but I’d rather “jalomaloma” out some bitches than have this.

For this one, he’s all alone, on his own, except for the other songwriter’s aid (dare I say that this personal song’s lyrics weren’t even written by Joci himself??? Not even a microscope??? Caramel you mastermind you). But mostly on stage, he’s alone. And shoeless. And with a starry-ish backdrop. Simple enough staging for a simple enough song, right? As it’s proven that simplicity can work in the past Eurovisions (see Sobral), and maybe, just maybe, Hungary does stand a chance for once again for being just simple, like Boggie was (but mostly she was more inoffensive and singing about a topic that’s still beaten to death every now and then, although this topic has fizzled out lately, which paved the way to all the love songs dominating NFs now, as well as the Latino craze). Though I doubted it was gonna remain so “simple” after it was revealed the Hungarian team is looking for everyone’s fathers’ pictures to be submitted to them. Yes, it was supposed to be one of THOSE kind of backdrops. I don’t even know what kind of use did Michael Schulte have of the fatherpics people sent HIM! Most of the backdrop focused of his lyric video aesthetic on the choruses, and I remember more of THAT, not the photos... so I doubted it was gonna work out on this one either. But in the end Joci wasn't satisfied with how all of those pics looked, so he will go for only showcasing his very own papi now.

Oh shit I forgot to talk what I feel about the song myself... well, safe to say that I didn’t warm up to it when I first heard the snippet ahead of every other A Dal snippet, but as in full, it just so happened to be nice enough, although I preferred “Origo” because reasons - not to mention that looking back at the A Dal 2017 state that I’ve seen from, I’d probably have had Joci as a legit fave to win it! And I already found Tótova to be too strange at first, unsure if it’s worth it to give them a second shot (post-2nd-listening-note: I did and it wasn’t that... bad?). And so, with low enough expectations, I didn’t even look into his chances all that further, especially with him being sick on the heat 3 day and only managing to barely tie-win in his heat just so he could dominate further rounds. But man did it turn out to be a beast later on.

So let’s, for now, say that I like it, but it’s just one of those artist return expectations that let you down because you really wanted to maybe see them again, but there would never be another song like the first one. Time will probably make me forget it all happened though and I’ll be able to enjoy it as much as “Origo”, as the “na na na” chorus part is really lovely enough. The song though, it is bafflingly too much reliant on too long verses in order to make the song just only have 2 of them and 2 choruses, and for the person that is biased for ‘2 verses - 3 choruses - bridge somewhere in between’ kind of songwriting that I am, it’s lowkey a glaring problem (as I'm finishing this weeks later than initially planned I actually got used to this structure and it even slightly compliments the song, but only slightly), as “Origo” has not only an engaging song but an engaging structure - nothing seems throwable out, nothing seems needed to additionally to be added. This one, however, is just there with its structure, and although hearts and minds are swayed by this, I don’t think I’ll get used to it this as a whole easy, unlike, like I said, time makes me forget the NF messfest and focus my love and support towards those that ARE going, not those that COULD’VE BEEN going. For now, I am not sure if I finished my review rant this properly, but for now, I’ll just wish Joci the best of luck, eventhough he’ll 1) never read this and 2) never understand this :( But still ^_^ Don’t let your nation down, big man and a father of two!

Approval factor: Despite reasons I’ll detail a little later, I’ll approve this entry, as I can’t be mad enough at Joci, for the humble man that he exists as, and the message he’s spreading, and the man he teamed up with. I approve of him but not of the background things.

Follow-up factor: From substance things, let’s just say it’s a bit of a yes and a bit of a no. No because ‘omfg it’s too soon for him wtf!!’ and I agree but if that’s what the juries initially wanted after seeing him in the lineup, and this return of his is now a bit more unnoticed and anonymous... but yes because it’s not a bad choice after AWS, because it was to be expected Hungary will send something softer after going out hard the last time, and they delivered the softness.

Qualification factor: depends on how does the audience feel for this emotionally, if Joci transmits his love for his father and that other supposed message as well well enough to the audience, in this simple staging of things (well if the fatherpic concept is still considered as ‘simple’ and nothing too cheesy or creepy). For now though I’ll be optimistic enough for Hungary - they won’t break their streak this year. If this simple-ish enough staging with just the singer on it doing his best worked for our lovely Ieva last year (despite these two not being a comparable songs), this would as well! And then settle around in top 15 provided enough people are there to give Joci just the right amount of love and patience that he needs (jury is a different question but since it’s not ethno-aggressive I think they might warm up to this as well, despite this being Hungary). Or even 16th-20th.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

A Dal 2019, with all things considered, needs to immediately die in a hellhole. Mainly because of the juries doing their dirty work by drowning the public favourites yet again, and especially the good ones (I've mentioned some of them earlier in the first paragraph by description). Let me demonstrate two of my favourites to the unsuspecting audience:

• Let’s get the elephant out of the room first. LEANDER FUCKING KILLS. Would you even think they’d have had any sort of victory of a NF potential?? Well, not off the AWS’s heels, considering both them and AWS play metal music. But their 2019 entry, "Hazavágyom", was something else. It’s if your dad went out with a couple of his friends to start a campfire somewhere in the woods, and then he took out a guitar because he remembered that he wanted to play something new he learned after listening to a lot of Irish folk music. And they all go off together - one rhythm drum, one guitar, the others jam out to the rhythm and create a fully-fledged campfire song, and a mysterious violinstress appears out of nowhere to help keep the party going. No really, it’s in the music video. Them being the most positive surprise of the lineup 2019 really melted my heart as I didn't expect so many people siding with another shade of their music. And even I started to draw myself into that song more and more, of how dancy and heartfelt it sounded with them decent lyrics about some sort of personal affection (maybe??), hoping that the jury will listen with their hearts and minds open to this Leander’s change of things and let them win the selection that way. But in the end... you know that Assi Azar quote. That’s right. And even so guess what - their first hurdle was their last. Sure, you can say they had a flawed live performance (no violinstress :( too rough vocals at the last chorus :((((((), but if you crush a future of good potential ahead, you’ll never know what might have you lost and how much would you have liked it better if things were slightly improved according to what you thought that needed to be changed in it. As it is for now, both "Hazavágyom" and Leander Kills ended up being robbed of Tel Aviv 2019. Hats off for trying, though.

• And then we have this fantabulous guy down here, with the name of Gergő Szekér and his journey-like legendary folk-tale, written for us guys, to let the past go, just like a (little) bird, and keep what matters only - “Madár, repülj!” mesmerized me from its first snippet (with me additionally commenting on that he’s a nice guy somehow), and then the full version came - with some rapping, wavy electronic bassline (that we haven’t seen striving since last days of dubstep’s relevancy), great choice of instruments, THAT gorgeous way of singing this whole song - I was ready to run away from the disappointment I had from Leander’s flop and immerse in this song fully knowing that it’s gonna be ‘such a jury darling!’... but a-MOTHERFUCKING-las! The boi missed the mark by 4 points in the superfinal vote-up in order just to tie with the unexpected new jury darling that was even BEATEN by Gergő in the semi, Bogi Nagy (the 16 year old I mentioned earlier)... the last juror thought that shooting up Bence Vavra to the superfinal spot was a good idea, and I can’t blame him as Bence deserved to go to the A Dal final for the little that he has participated in, but NOT AT MY BOI’S EXPENSE. ;_; I truly doubt that at this day and age there’ll be anyone capable of filling in the Gergő shaped hole in my heart... well, I can certainly TRY cutting him out of me, but the pre-NF-hype-build, his song’s remix with his X Faktor’s friends and my imagination of him dancing in the Telavivian postcards and engaging with his new Eurofandom fam through live interviews will haunt me from here on end... ugh.

And normally I hype up the NF participants that I supported last time previous year but then they become just artists for me and I wanted more of their song but not of the actual performer in Eurovision and therefore I don’t want them to ESC anymore, but if both of those above artists go to Eurovision at some point, I’m likely stanning both the hell out of their songs AND themselves, for who they are and who they stand for (hopefully nothing too controversial, we already have had a fanfave oppose gay marriage once so imagine a Hungarian A Dal winner doing the same at some point :O). Leander for his overall talent, Gergő for everything he is (and plus a little bit of mutual acknowledgment I’m gonna talk about later UwU bias is strong ahahaha).

Now with my sorrows out of the way, let’s highlight some more of this shit-fest:

• How the fuck wasn’t Dávid Heatlie’s staging a big meme during the season?? At least nationwide?? Seriously. “La Mama Hotel”, his actual entry, might not be too much of a standout (considering it’s just some by-numbers-synth-heavy song with its only major saving grace being a kickass guitar solo), and he did not perform all his best, BUT THE LAMPS. THE FUCKING LAMPS. Too many of them, and they’re slightly too oldfashioned, but so aesthetically-satisfying out of nowhere. If I were a moth, I’d immediately run to his lamps at any given time, and even stay with them after they’re eventually returned to MTVA’s stage props garage or to a Hungarian IKEA. Yes I know the moth meme is dead btw but so what?

Not to mention the guy himself is a bit of a meme in my eyes.

• I already discussed about this on my only one-time “Fanwank Assimilation” bulletin and I have no intent to reiterate all that I said from there on this one word-for-word but let’s go on anyway. Olivér Berkes, the hipster friend of Zävodi from A Dal 2017, returned on his own to win many more hearts with a soft piano/acoustic ballad “Világítótorony” (lighthouse), which couldn’t have been staged more... disconnectingly. To summarize, it’s somewhat of a love song inspired by a lighthouse symbol (quite literally lol), staged as if it was like fisherman taking care of one lighthouse himself, coming and going to do his thing. And like, there was no click with people that made Olivér stand out with something else other than just this ballad, like he did by constantly tele-qualifying with Ádám Szabó’s current girlfriend back in A Dal 2016 and being put in the superfinal with aforementioned Zävodi in 2017. His song itself was just a nice song and kind of a lot people liked it it seems, but I wasn’t really getting it until too much later on after Olivér’s heat was over, so I was surprised with his elimination, but my feelings I got from this song off my first impression weren’t disappointed over this. Check his performance here.

• Can I call Rozina Pátkai a highlight? You might have not heard of her unless you’re Hungarian and/or THAT into their jazz scene, as she’s big on there. This year though she has had a “noisy electropop” song through to the chosen 30 of the A Dal selection, and it was of the name “Frida”. Nothing was too bad until she also ended up having some unfortunate first-hand mis-staging. I did say at the beginning of this post that she kinda looked like “lost-on-stage housewife who probably has 2 kids and 2 cats at home”, and that’s just me not being fond of the outfit she got, though I don’t really imagine in better clothes, or do I? Nevertheless, the Rubik’s cube visuals of her pictures and bright pink lighting (where visible) looked great on her staging somehow (and the on-screen effects), just not the visual aesthetic of the singer’s. Witness it here. Also witness what I meant with the visual parts of things:

Triple woman?? now I’m scared

who’s this shocked gal in the background that got cubed???? UwU

curious woman telling you a bedtime story on TV

Sorry, these captions are a little too silly, but still. The jurors were alright with it except for one (and that’s also the one who killed Olivér’s chances too a little) and the televote was harsh (5 points, yikes, the lowest ever telescore of this A Dal year). Well, if it was studio, we’d probably see her through, but me personally, I saw it as a semifinalist at best when I first heard her song. Now I think it would have been decent enough for a final too maybe? As at least the chorus of this is good but I was never too hooked on the first verse as it always reminds me of the annoyingly soft indie pop that dominates the current music trends... well alas.

(Sidenote: maybe her moterly styling was dedicated to her future child she’s currently carrying? Yep, turns out Rozina is currently pregnant, just like one other A Dal contestant this year!)

• A personal highlight for me, besides that one time Gergő Sz. spoke out to an ESCBubble interviewer that “there’s this, like, a guy or a girl from Lithuania, and [he] said “yeah, I’ve some re-LAH-tivs [sic] ... in Lithuania and she was like *exasperated gasp noise* “Lithuania! Oh my God! We love you so much!”” (and for a matter of fact, it was me :) I’ve been only acknowledged once ever but the acknowledgement still exists!!), was discovering Fatal Error (and USNK but mainly just Fatal Error) before they entered A Dal 2019 with THE EXACT SAME SONG I FIRST HEARD OF THEIRS. Yeah. “Kulcs” music video featured Örs Siklósi, your favourite Hungarian screamer/singer, as a presenter rather than a part of the song, and a good-ass metal song did he present. And as the A Dal 2019 season rolled on at the beginning, Fatal Error were on my hyping target until some better songs came on and I didn’t feel like stanning Fatal Error’s song as much as I only stanned them because they’re here for the fans even more at even more times than I expected them to be - liking their comments on the band’s Instagram and Youtube posts - nothing against other contestants though (Leander included), if they have their lives to carry on and only sit down to check Instagram twice a week or so, it’s perfectly fine. :) I am quite sure Joci is probably like this also. Nevertheless, Fatal Error totally rocked, despite coming off AWS’s heels, and they’re at least encouraging other rock acts to come over to A Dal to open themselves to the world of many eager people discovering new artists every now and then. Just like the victory of AWS sort of did. Also one of the guys from that band said that their mother was delighted to see his band live, which brings us to...

• ...The Middletonz, a fresh new band for András Kállay-Saunders to leech on through next few A Dals now that the band of his name is no longer a thing. They, and yesyes, were the first ever fan favourites to emerge, mainly for sounding modern and having these artists people hate seeing back to A Dal only because of so many tries in the show, but happy to see back in hopes for them finally taking A Dal by their hands (and for András it’s a ‘finally AGAIN’ moment), but problems arose when the juries weren’t fond of both Middletonz AND yesyes, so much so that the frontman of the latter band spoke that he’s not coming back to A Dal again (unless he lies to us by coming back in 2022 or so). What amuses me more about The Middletonz, other than the song (which is fine for the most part, the D’n’B + acoustics mix is neat and catchy, but the beat drops harder than my will to live, and it IS bad (okay further listens later it’s not THAT bad but still... you gotta have had tried harder, men), is their nationality. Besides the hidden phantom member of the group that we never heard on any interview but appeared to be present (at least on the heat stage of the NF), here we have András, which is Hungarian-American, and his friend of the (nick)name of Slashkovic, which is Dutch-Iranian! That’s a colourful palette of double nationalities. And not to mention, despite it being a minority language, therefore a perfectly fine addition, some Russian language is heard in their song, courtesy of Slashko himself. That and on the A Dal 2019 final night Slashko had his parents watching him perform live for the first time... and based on the amount of years he has hidden that from his parents, it took him SO DAMN LONG somehow to reveal himself. Damn. Anyways, anyone up here to bet we’ll see András again, especially after him being reminded to “never give up” by one of his fans? Well, now that he has definitely seen Joci win A Dal twice on his both attempts, it’s highkey positive. Now with or without Slashko? We’ll see.

• The infamous plagiarism incident, which actually hung like a shadow on one of the contestants and those accusations probably scared him for life, and then the scandal outright knifed out a completely different contestant, Petruska (if you remember him from 2016, you know who he is), a little too late into the competition. If you were so certain his song sounded alike, you’d have either eliminated him in the heats or not accepted his song at all, which... maybe did sound like a Vampire Weekend song, I’ll let you judge.

I can’t be arsed to highlight anyone else because there was a lot to go after. Like, two young-bun A Dal acts that came from the same kidshow (different season though) and one did the song all by himself but couldn’t carry it quite as far despite his basic technotronic visuals, another was completely dependent on Caramel’s songwriting capabilities and fared WAY better than everyone else expected, tied-winning the heat with Joci, being the 3rd qualifier on the semi and beating Gergő Sz. during the superfinal vote-up by 4 points (and Feró’s endorsement lol). Yes the latter person I was talking about was Bogi Nagy. Have her song linked too if you want to listen to it. (I could have also talked about her sitting on a hula hoop and having a long extended projector dress to showcase her childhood pictures onto, but that’s just a song-saving gimmick in my opinion, and I don’t wanna waste my thoughts on her any longer tbh.) And USNK, those two that won X Faktor 2018, Soundcloud-rapped a song about HASHTAGS HASHTAGS HASHTAGS, gave a needlessly over-colourful stage show and took Leander’s spot of qualification to the semis through televoting (and additionally pissed me and borisbubbles off. Ya welcome for an indirect tag too!). Wow. But enough being a bitter Betty, I’ll have to let the bird fly until the next NF season and wait for some more eager names to cheer for, even if they don’t have an exciting “#háttérzaj” of nationalities. Until then, A Dal, my love...

[louisweaterpaws]

hi 👋🏼 lately i’ve been considering starting to write fic... do you have any advice??

aw hiii that’s so exciting!! so i think the biggest thing is (if it’s chaptered) complete the entire fic before you post anything—this is something i didn’t do, and it came back to bite me in the ass so hard because now i have to work on one chapter at a time in chronological order instead of having the luxury to jump around to all different parts of the story, because i’m so focused on getting the next update out, and feeling shitty about myself bc of how long it takes me to update, and making my readers wait. so even if you feel excited about what you already have and you just want to post it so bad, TRUST ME, it will be soo worth it to wait and then post the entire thing all at once, or with a timely update schedule. (i am literally dreaming of being able to do this once i finish winyiniq and start my next fic).also really important: don’t be afraid to jump around to different parts of the story! you don’t always have to start with the beginning and end with the end. whatever you feel motivated to write that day–write it. whether it’s a scene from beginning, middle, end, or even the last fucking paragraph of the entire fic, doesn’t matter. write it!!! sometimes i’ll get stuck on a certain scene—like right now for example (jgfkjhk fml), i’m supposed to be writing the second half of this HEAVILY smut based chapter…but i’ve been so stuck on it for weeks because i’m just not in the mood to write smut at the moment (which is rare for me tbh) but at the moment all i want to do is write angst and jealous!harry…so i put the smut on the backburner for now, skipped ahead to the angst and jealous!harry stuff and now the words are flowing like crazyyyy because it’s something i’m actually in the mood to write. so if you ever get stuck on one scene—skip to something that’s easier or that you’re more interested in instead. you can always go back later.i also suggest keeping a brainstorming document. i keep mine minimized on my computer literally at all times, so that anytime something pops into my head real quick—an idea, a quote, chapter plans, dialogue, notes/reminders to myself (like, ‘hey dumbass, don’t forget to include this thing in chapter 3 because it will become important later on in chapter 10′ etc.)—whatever it is, i put it in the brainstorming document. that’s where i just get all the ideas out so i can put them together later. mine is a jumbled MESS lmao but it’s so helpful.whenever i get writer’s block, i just read a book or another fic. that way, it kicks my brain into gear of stringing words and sentences together lmao. and reading other people’s stories always pumps me up to work on my own but that might just be me idk. and if that doesn’t work, i suggest just typing something—even if it’s the most basic sentence in the world and you’re cringing because it sounds like something a third grader wrote. no matter how basic or lame or shitty the sentence or paragraph may sound, just keep going, and usually something will finally *click* and then the words and creativity starts flowing and you can go back and improve on that “rough draft” part.also highly highly suggest using microsoft word or a processor with an automatic save function. my laptop tends to freeze or shut down out of nowhere when it gets overheated, so the automatic save on microsoft word has saved me sooo many times. whereas if you write directly into the box on ao3, it doesn’t auto save anything. so if you accidentally click backspace or close out the tab or your computer freezes, you’ll lose allllll your work. once i’m ready to post, i just hit select all + copy from microsoft word and then paste it into the ao3 box.uhm what else? OH i like to use the search function on microsoft word to make sure i’m not using the same words and phrases too often. like if i search the word “amazing” it will highlight all the times that word has been used in that specific document, and if i see it more than once i’ll change it to “incredible” or w/e other adjective. you can even type a whole sentence into that thing to see if you’ve already used it before.i’m also constantly typing “synonyms for xyz” into my google search because sometimes my last 2 brain cells give up and i can’t think of a better word for “good” or “bad” well. this got to be really long lmao sorry but i hope that it was helpful to you!!! and i wish you luck with the writing ����💜🤞

[bettsfic]

1. it's celibate!anon again. I hate that those people did that to you. Tbh, a similar-ish sitch is what lead to me making the decision. I told my ex i was ace and had no interest in sex and they seemed cool at first but then i kept getting pushed and pushed and eventually we had sex. Honestly sometimes i feel like i was r*ped bc i was basically manipulated into it (spoiler alert: they were a terrible person). I had a couple of mental breakdowns

2. ... because when you’re going along with it for someone else, it ends up feeling like you’re being used. Esp when they have little to no concept of cuddling/being romantic after. It was always romance to ply me, then nothing. I *needed* that affection after to feel like i wasn’t being used but i got yelled at a few times when i tried to cuddle because they were tired or whatever. Not too tired to have sex with me two minutes ago tho.

And then it’s a cycle. Don’t cuddle because you don’t want to get yelled at and called emotional, get upset because it feels like you’re nothing, need to cuddle more, get treated like you’re a burden for needing it (but somehow they’re not the burden for wanting sex all the f*cking time). Repeat. I’m like you, I like to please people, so I just kept going along with it. Tbh, I didn’t realise how much i’d probably been manipulated/abused till I got out.

4. But i realised i can’t trust myself to set halfway boundaries. That’s why I decided it has to be nothing. Honestly i really appreciate your advice - you’re right, they’ve got to be with you 100%. If they’re not, i’ll end up back where i was, miserable and not knowing it - i decided to be celibate to stop that. I don’t know if i’ll ever meet someone like that, but tbh, i’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than keep giving up parts of myself to feed someone else’s problem. 

 5, Final. Sorry for the tmi, i just haven’t really spoken to anyone about this and you’re so honest with what happened, i want you to know you’re not alone, y’know? esp because u give folks like me such raw good advice. i hate that that advice came from something that hurt you. but i guess i (and others) got hurt too, that's why we need that advice. sorry for all the downer stuff :/ i really hope we both meet someone who will respect us and our decisions one day. it shouldn't be that hard.

damn, i’m sorry that happened to you too. the being-used thing really resonates with me. i used to feel used all the time. in every relationship, friendship, family, whatever. to the point where i didn’t know what it felt like not to be used, and if i wasn’t useful, i felt worthless. which is a terrible cycle, and one i’m glad i got out of. it never once occurred to me that someone could just like the person i was, and want to spend time with me because they enjoyed my company. now i know what it feels like to give and receive real love, but i’m sad it took me so long to learn. 

i have three litmus tests when i make friends/meet potential interests:

do you make me feel good about myself? do i feel confident around you? am i not afraid to be myself?

do you appreciate the things about me that i appreciate about me? 

for example, i’m a smart person, but i don’t value intelligence in myself as much as, say, kindness and patience. so someone who is crazy about me for how smart i am and doesn’t care about my capacity for empathy probably isn’t someone i want to be close to.

sub-test: do they express appreciation/affection? the answer is different for different people depending on their love language. i’m big on acts of service, but i struggle with verbal affection. but the point is, i’ve had a lot of people in my life who only show their appreciation for me when i ask for reassurance, and they never offer it freely.

how do you react to critical feedback? how do you respond when you’ve done something to upset me?

this is the most important one, because if someone responds with anything other than “i’m so sorry, i’ll try to never do it again” as well as a drive to understand what it was that i found upsetting and why it upset me -- a need to get the bigger picture, then they will continue doing cruel things. i’ve been close to several people who always openly apologize when they’ve done wrong things, but then they keep doing different wrong things, and they never seem to understand the bigger picture of my feelings. they were just inconsiderate people. 

a lot of well-meaning and nice people still get defensive and angry when they’ve upset someone, because they can’t rectify the fact that they can cause pain passively. most people believe being well-intentioned is good enough, and prize their self-interests and the sanctity of their self-perception over yours. that’s not okay. that’s a major sign of immaturity. 

any person who fails any of these tests for any reason gets immediately cut out of my heart (which is to say, i might not mind being around them, or talking to them, or occasionally hanging out, but i will not invest time and energy into the relationship, and they’ll never be more than an acquaintance). maybe that’s harsh, but there are a lot of good people in the world, and a lot of good people in my life, and i don’t have the time or energy for ones who don’t make me feel good about myself, love what i love about me, and don’t have my best interests at heart.

(this all, of course, goes the other way around too. i give this litmus test to myself when i make a new friend. “do i encourage them to be their best and most authentic self around me? do i value and appreciate them? do i know and respect their boundaries?” and if any of those are in question, i try to reach out and fix it. it’s hard and sometimes awkward to ask someone, “hey, what are your boundaries?” or “is there any way i can be a better friend to you?” but i value transparency in relationships. blunt honesty, to me, is the easiest and clearest way to communicate.) 

i’ve been accused of my standards being too high, and i’m fine with that. i agree with you -- i’d rather be alone than settle for someone who doesn’t make me glad to be myself. i’m very lucky that i have an amazing family and friends with whom i communicate really well, and while there are some things missing in my life still, i’m on solid enough ground that i feel comfortable walking away from toxic relationships. 

oh and lastly: if, while celibate, you get into a relationship with someone and do want to be physically intimate, you’ll know you weren’t pressured into it if you’re the one leading, and if you back off, there are no repercussions. i also recommend talking about sex well ahead of time, in a private area of a public space, like a park or a restaurant where you won’t be overheard, so you can get on the same page in a place where no forward movement can really happen. 

i wish you the best of luck, and hope you find some solace in being celibate. 

[hypereactive]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? my best friend

2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my best friend

4. Are you easy to get along with? depends. i try to be, but im also REALLY picky/have strong opinions on a lot of stuff, and im autistic..

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? yeah

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? a caring one, who listens before judging

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? yeah

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? my best friend

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? probably my best friend

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “o”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? uhm. I like A LOT of songs.

billie ellish- bury a friend and you should see me in a crown

rag’n’bone man - human

rebel - black pearl (hes a pirate)

Aladdin soundtrack - Prince Ali and one jump ahead

arctic monkeys - Do I wanna know?

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? rarely

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? yea

15. What good thing happened this summer? new job, in my field of study

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yepp

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? probs at least simple life

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? only if I run into him getting coffee (he works there)

19. Do you like bubble baths? if im in the mood

20. Do you like your neighbors? one i do, one i absolutely dont, the rest i dont interact w

21. What are you bad habits? im REALLY picky, and can come off as ungrateful (if u can’t do it right id rather u just not do it. apparently its more common to think at least you got something/they tried.)

22. Where would you like to travel? Anywhere w the right people. Nowhere without.

23. Do you have trust issues? kinda. More like I understand people wont understand me or meet my needs adequately.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? morning coffee

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my chin/teeth

26. What do you do when you wake up? if I have ResponsibilitesTM i get up and get coffee and leave the house in less than 20 min, otherwise i lay in bed on tumblr until i have to get up due to responsibilities or hunger.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? im good w where its at tbh

28. Who are you most comfortable around? my best friend

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yeah. 

30. Do you ever want to get married? yeah

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? lol yesss

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? none?

33. Spell your name with your chin. bdfuds

34. Do you play sports? What sports? not really. i like frisbee and longboarding if those count.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? no. I cant keep secrets.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? i usu dont. ill just go on my phone/leave/etc

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? my best friend. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? hot topic

40. What do you want to do after high school? lol im not in high school

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on what they did and why, and if they want to grow as a person/make it right

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im tired/overwhelmed/content/bored

43. Do you smile at strangers? if i lock eyes with them and they smiled, i might smile back, but im pretty good at Not Looking At People

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? ResponsibilitiesTM

46. What are you paranoid about? having a heart attack and no one being around to help me/not noticing until its too late

47. Have you ever been high? yea

48. Have you ever been drunk? yea

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? no, but i have wished my parents were

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my chin probs. idk i like myself

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont wear makeup

54. Favourite store? this is a duplicate question.

55. Favourite blog? uhm.

56. Favourite colour? black/grey/light pink/raspberry/celery green

57. Favourite food? cheese, cheddar brats, spinach, chocolate chip cookies, milkshakes

58. Last thing you ate? rice w beef, spinach, egg and soy sauce

59. First thing you ate this morning? coffee and nutella

60. Ever won a competition? For what? I think so but i cant remember. Oh i think I won an anti-bullying poster competition once.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? lol nopee

62. Been arrested? For what? no

63. Ever been in love? few times now

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? uh. no. cuz i didnt even like the dude.

65. Are you hungry right now? no

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i only have one real friend so I feel like thats unfair

67. Facebook or Twitter? tumblr.

68. Twitter or Tumblr? still tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? lol no

70. Names of your bestfriends? no, bc hed not appreciate it

71. Craving something? What? not rn

72. What colour are your towels? grey or floral w pinks and blacks and oranges

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes, usu. 2

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? total? uh. 8?

75. Favourite animal? birbs prob.

76. What colour is your underwear? why?

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate, unless its ice cream. then vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? berry (any) or cheesecake (also any)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? grey

80. What colour pants? a darker grey

81. Favourite tv show? uh. i like sherlock.

82. Favourite movie? deadpool probs. or pirates of the Caribbean. or Aladdin. or detective pikachu.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? never seen either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? never seen either

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? n/a

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? uhm. I cant remember. Probs the black and white one w the scar, or the starfish, or the sea gull

87. First person you talked to today? my sister

88. Last person you talked to today? my best friend

89. Name a person you hate? my past roommate

90. Name a person you love? my best friend

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? my past roommate and most recent ex

92. In a fight with someone? currently? no? ever? yes.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? 5

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 6

95. Last movie you watched? i dont know

96. Favourite actress? i dunno

97. Favourite actor? i dunno

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? no

100. How are you feeling? i dont know

101. Do you type fast? yeah

102. Do you regret anything from your past? yeah, but not overly

103. Can you spell well? i think so 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? no

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? i dont think so, but i want to (w the right people)

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? yeah, oops

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yep

108. What should you be doing? cleaning my house

109. Is something irritating you right now? no

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yea

111. Do you have trust issues? yea

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my best friend

113. What was your childhood nickname? B. as in, just the letter

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yea

115. Do you play the Wii? no

116. Are you listening to music right now? yea

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? not usually

118. Do you like Chinese food? i think so

119. Favourite book? uhm. sherlock (the whole series). the uglies series (scott westerfield). the secret garden. Fahrenheit 451. 1984. 

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no, but sometimes im afraid theres something in it

121. Are you mean? no

122. Is cheating ever okay? no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? if i want to

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? im not sure i know what this means

126. Are you currently bored? no

127. What makes you happy? i dont know

128. Would you change your name? no

129. What your zodiac sign? gemini

130. Do you like subway? i cant eat there

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? lol weve been dating for a while now

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my best friend

133. Favourite lyrics right now? uh. I dont know.

134. Can you count to one million? that would take a month, so no.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i dont know. probably that i couldnt go to work bc i was “throwing up from a migraine” when i hadnt thrown up (yet).

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? it varies

137. How tall are you? i think im like. 5′8″?

138. Curly or Straight hair? curly. but not consistent

139. Brunette or Blonde? i am a brunette

140. Summer or Winter? winter. i can always wear more clothes

141. Night or Day? night. its quiet and calm

142. Favourite month? august and october

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? yes.

145. Tea or Coffee? yes. depends on time of day/year/mood/etc

146. Was today a good day? i dont know

147. Mars or Snickers? mars

148. What’s your favourite quote? “if you cant explain it simply, you dont understand it well enough” -einstien is one of them. but there are more

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont know

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “aunt lillian’s footsteps became more distant, became whispers, were gone.”

@ramblebrambleamble i got bored and answered all of them

[cryptidofthekeys]

I reamerge after 5 days because yet again i am exited!! I just graduated from highschool 2 days ago, and used some of the money from that to buy myself a needle felting kit! I wanted to get into a new hobby- so i figured I'd try this one out!

It's supposed to come in today, but i don't know what time-- so I'm stuck waiting for it to arrive shdhhd. As always i have to start off small and not get ahead of myself - but if i enjoy the hobby enough and continue to get better at it- then maybe I'll make a small figure of your puppet maker boi.

Wool plushes are like puppets right?? I would just find it hilarious to have a puppet of the puppet maker pfff. But that probably won't happen for a while!! I'll let you know if I ever do it tho- and for now can only indulge in drawing what it might look like.

He doesn't get arms because I hate arms. He gon be sitting down :)

I swear I'm not obsessed with your character I'm normal I'm normal I'm-.

ANYWAY i hope your having a good day-. I might post my first small creation here on Tumblr - or just show it to ya by sending it here. Or neither. Idk-- we will see ^^.

First n foremost aayyyy!!! congrats!!! im proud of ya for graduating high school!! <3

secondly ooh needle felting,, I love what people can create but I could never for two reasons really, 1: my poor fingers would be stabbed to hell and back 2: the material itself makes me wanna grind my teeth tbh, only when i hold it tho- not,, not when i just see it lmao but I wish you luck and ughh same, i hate waiting for a package, im still waiting on my wise dog tarot cards to arrive

and yeah, that’s p good advice to give yourself, a good reminder to not get super ahead of yourself- to take your time and get good at your craft and hey even if you don’t enjoy it a lot? There’s plenty of things out there to do so either way, no rush on anything really, its meant to be fun-

also fkjlfjgdksl im going to c r y,, legit,, like holy fucking s h i t- like its one thing to see art or fanfics or stuff like THAT of my OCs but the fact that you actually want to make a FIGURE of them gfjkldfjgdfs w o o, thats,,, thats got tears in me eyes w o o  b o y- their,, good tears, not bad dont get me wrong but god d a m n- just,, absolutely if you ever decide to make a figure, any sorta thing really with my characters please never hesitate to tag me imightnotseeitotherwise because i don’t wanna miss out!

honestly, lookin at the drawing- the concept is very cute!! look at him, lil scrunkly boy!! also eh arms are hard to draw let alone felt im sure,, but either way he looks super cute and honestly im very flattered someone likes an OC from me so much!

and hey, do whatever makes ya most comfortable, post it on tumblr, shoot a submission my way, or just DM me- or if ya don’t wanna show it off at all, i understand too- you just do whatever makes ya most comfortable <3

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 2 - "Fuck I’m on the cursed tribe" ~Moth

a lil sad to see my girl, Bri, go, but that just makes us one person closer to the goal >:3

dennis is very sneaky. we all had a tribe call and he said he'd come later but he was actually doing the hunt challenge. like that's totally fair, it's just even afterward he acted as if he was not really focusing on it either. im going to play the game assuming he has something, just in case.

GAME AND GAME SHOW ARE DIFFERENT DSJKLFHASJDJFH no but this was hella fun pls let's do it again

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hX3Fs7lDDQk&list=PLrsCGcojtF16jvLW49C4855pUlLWI9pnn

Dhsjdjsjskksks. First tribal done. We just finished the taboo challenge ... A good bonding experience with my tribe. However, I have a feeling we lost. 😂😂😂😂😂😂 The fact that I was the guesser. Rip. 

I filmed confessionals but my internet got disconnected hahaha so that's neat. Hopefully there will be youtube videos here soon, but new update Jodi and I are in alliances with Dennis and brayden separately which I think would be hilarious if they were also in am alliance together. And it will be funny it my internet is still out for the challenge tomorrow since I'm the guesser 😆 whoops

So this is the beginning of round 2 and here are my thoughts. Might purposely not be helpful in the taboo challenge lol but i have to do it in a way that doesn't show im throwing it? tbh i say this now but when i start playing the urge to win comes in ugh but i just wanna vote one of these people out. I also took a stroll through the wiki page for this org and i love that some of these people (esp brayden and amy) have played before and their stats are there like yassss give me ammunition yassss!!!! anywho i dont care if we win or lose tomorrow i think i set myself up nicely within the tribe and i still really dont think any of these people won the hunt challenge on my tribe but again who knowssss. if we lose the logic would probably be go for josh or ginny aka the least active people buttt i dont think so like i don't wanna go the boring route. i need to keep josh close to get to merge with him we have friends on the other tribeeeeeee so i need them to survive and i need him and i to survive till we swap or merge to link up. im also trying to win a hunt challenge but my god y'all have me fucked up!!!!!!!!! i guess we shall see what happens tomorrowwwwww

It was nice sitting the challenge out, I'm busy tomorrow and the fact that they could complete it is good for me. Also, if we lose, nobody can blame me for the loss. Only drawback is it appears to me some people can be getting close by bonding over funny things in a game. I have to go back and see who may be close, I don't think I'm next on the chopping block, but I'm definitely not in control. To me, I do not need to be number one on this tribe, I just need to survive the next tribal and hopefully make it to the swap at 14 or 15.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wm_dmPuwzzI&list=PLrsCGcojtF16jvLW49C4855pUlLWI9pnn&index=2 anotha one dj khaled

HEY SO KIND OF A LOT OF DEVELOPMENTS TO MY GAME we didn't lose first challenge!! thats great. whatever. no tribal. I've been trying to connect with fellow tribemates but overall we're all pretty quiet. I did have a small 30 minute call with Jay where we kinda connected on somewhat of a game level. I kinda get the vibe that he may not fully trust me or he might see my as a threat, but I want to work with him. I also really like Anastasia and Elle, I think I can connect with them more on a more genuine level. Perfect scenario for me would be setting up a trio alliance of Me + Elle + Anastasia, and then having Jay on the side as my actual #1. idk if I can pull that off, but that was my plan heading into round 2 BUT. AS ROUND 2 STARTED, MY GAY ASS WON THE HUNT CHALLENGE. AMAZING. idk HOW I managed it because like?? I finished and found the hidden link within like 20 minutes? Statistically very unlikely BUT I'm so glad I did it. I WON A SAFETY WITHOUT POWER. It's kinda like a hidden immunity idol, except slightly worse because I can't actually partake in tribal at all. we went ahead and competed in the Taboo challenge last night and boy it was kinda rough. We lost a LOTTA points because we kept accidentally saying forbidden words (I lost us 2 points, woops). But we ended up with a semi decent score. Elle did an amazing job guessing. I really hope we can pull this out. SO YEAH SORRY THATS KIND OF A LOT. OVERALL I FEEL LIKE IM IN A DECENT POSITION, WAY BETTER NOW THAT I HAVE A SWP. I wanna further my position in the game with some allies now. That's my next biggest goal. toodles!!!

So I've figured out that Amy is a comp beast based on us discussing our old seasons and how she did in those: she always talks down her abilities because she's worried she's being painted as a big challenge threat, but I don't think she realizes that doesn't matter to me at all. Ultimately, I think she needed to be at tonight's challenge more than me, so I decided it's ok to sit out since I'm sitting out only because somebody has to, not because I don't want to play. In tribal challenges, it means she'll help keep us winning tribal immunity, and further down the line, if anything, I'll be using her as my "Ken" and if she wins everything, it'll keep immunity away from people I want out. 

I think I did much better in Taboo than I did in endurance, so I'm happy about that. Hopefully my performance this round can help me redeem myself with my tribemates.

Today in the fools tribe: no one is talking 

Holy crap we won yet again this is such a great feeling just like last season :)

Fuck I’m on the cursed tribe this round This time I think I’m on the majority alliance, which is a great place to be. So hopefully everything goes as planned tomorrow 

https://youtu.be/fszNKUHjB_8

So! We did the Taboo challenge and got second place, probs wouldve got first if we didnt get deductions but also we did so good so whatever 😂. I definitely kinda pushed for us to do the challenge last night bc it's Dylan's birthday and I didn't want to have to like, be anywhere specifically today 😅. But yeah we did super good and now I'm gonna go talk to ppl bc I've been gone all day lol

Bye I hate it here. 

~

SO. Here’s the rundown: We lost. Again. Pushing for Shaad to go. Moth, Jared, and Danny all agree with him going. So far I’m getting good vibes with everyone. Danny says he gets along with Jared well and doesn’t talk to Moth that much. Plus, Jared, Moth and I have that little alliance. Jared and I also get along well. Worried for Moth as she doesn’t seem to message a lot. This tribal... I’m feeling safe. I might even make an alliance with Jared, Danny and I. Worst case scenario for next challenge we lose and Moth goes. 

Yay we won again! Anyways, Dennis messaged me tonight talking about how everybody else knows each other from playing Stings games before. He said he checked the series wiki and got freaked out and told me that we're two newbies amongst vets. While he's telling the truth, I'm actually not too panicked because 1) I actually checked out the wiki before he told me about it and 2) I have pretty decent relationship with Amy to incentivize her to keep me around. I worked tightly with Amy for the specific reason that I knew she'll have others to work with, and for her to keep me as a loyal number. I also know that she was runner up of another series and she already recognizes the target on her, so I doubt she wants to risk me putting a bigger one. WOW FOR ONCE I'M NOT THE FLAMING TARGET I LIKE THIS 

Round 1 updates: https://youtu.be/5nhSsLNcnZ0 https://youtu.be/S5-0Yw93wc0

~

Round two rambles: https://youtu.be/CuwgF9IVmUM

So, tbh I've done some research about some previous seasons and I noticed Moth and Jessica have played together before. Moth still has not talked to me but Jessica has been overly friendly. I know they have a group message with Jared and I know he can be the split vote between what happens in our tribal tomorrow. Jared claims he has voted for Moth but we will truly see tomorrow. But honestly, if he chooses us, then Jessica is next unless the tribe swap or merge has happened.

~

Also with that research, I've peeped there's other connections in other tribes from previous games so this is gonna be interesting.

~

I chose Jared to work with mostly because I see he can play strategy.

Fools tribe is bad at playing games. And its perfect for me because I am safe but i am wishing for drama bcs its fun. rn we are doing small talk and being so nice to each other. I think we will form an alliance officially soon but i am too awkward or like i dont know how to say it or bring it up.

WHY! DOES! MY! TRIBE! KEEP! WINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying to go the fuck to tribal council but noooo we have to beast all the other tribes yet again. Like a swap is probably coming soon and with my fuckin luck I am gonna get swap screwed like they are gonna look at me from the phantoms and be like yeahhhh theyve been winning lets get his ass out. i would love to lose this next one so the sees look stronger. if phantoms go to tribal I know I''m safe (anything can happen but I set myself up well), and thats all I care about. Jodi and I started to really talk about the vets who are playing this season, and we just realized that we're the only newbies on our tribe. like wow. The fantasy would be to get to merge and have a numbers advantage of newbies against these vets, or make the vets eat their own idk. Lots of thinkin lots of thinkinnnnn. I have been strolling through the wiki page some more and mapping out potential connections from previous seasons. The casting directors work hard but i work harder

https://youtu.be/gsDJIiGiqHE

https://youtu.be/V1ku4_-w0SY

Roses are red We’re on day six Fools tribe worse at challenges than a bag of dead bricks

That im one of the strongest competitors on my tribe, Dennis feels like he is on the outs, but that connects us so i can pull him in as an ally.

It’s been a tricky round 

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Phantom

Jodi: Jodi remains at the top of the tribe for much of the same reason as last round. Now, she is even in two alliances with no one wanting to come for her nor do they see her as playing both alliances. Hopefully Jodi’s quick alliance making and constant worrying will help strengthen her defenses in the later rounds to come when people will be looking at her more closely.

Amy: Amy is still playing that stellar UTR game. No one seems to register her as a threat despite their access to the wiki and her performance in the challenge. Her social game is just too strong. Additionally, her greater willingness to work with Dennis than Jodi’s willingness to work with him may provide some good allies for Amy if she ever wants to distance herself from Jodi.

Brayden: Brayden rises in the rankings from last round as he has become more closely aligned with Amy and Jodi. The trio seem to see themselves as the only “active” ones on their tribe and are very quick to bond. Additionally, unlike Dennis, Brayden is not viewed with suspicion by either Jodi or Amy. They definitely feel more like a core alliance than they did with Dennis. Furthermore, Brayden is poised to get the people he wants gone out of this game. He is targeting Josh and Dennis which are good targets, especially the latter. All it takes is for Brayden to push a little for Dennis and I am sure the two girls will take the bait. Finally, Brayden’s connection with Ginnifer is very beneficial since he seems to be the only one willing to work with her at the moment. This gives him a very easy ally and Ginnifer doesn’t have much of a choice besides working closely with him. It is certainly an easy number for Brayden if he ever wanted to backstab Jodi or Amy in the future.

Josh: What lands Josh here is that he performed well in the challenge and is easy to like. Interacting with Josh on calls is always a pleasure. However, by not being part of that main trio, he is in danger of being voted out on a whim. Despite that, he seems to be, in my eyes, the least likely out of the bottom 3 to be voted out. Additionally, there is paranoia around people’s “experience” with ORGs surrounding these bottom 3 from others (despite the fact that the top 3 is composed of 2 people with ORG experience). Josh gets this heat the least.

Dennis: Dennis is in real danger if this tribe goes to tribal council. If Brayden pushes hard enough, Jodi can be easily swayed into turning on Dennis. He needs to back off with the strategy talk and just be more social. What saves him from last is that he is in that alliance with Jodi and Amy. This might make Jodi hesitant about targeting Dennis so soon as she may see him as a number. Additionally, Amy does seem keen on keeping Dennis around for a little while which would help his longevity. Hopefully Dennis can realize people’s perceptions of him before it is too late considering that he gives great confessionals and is one of my favorite players this season.

Ginnifer: Ginnifer may be on the bottom, but she definitely has a chance at avoiding being voted out. Most talk around Ginny is about how she is hard to socialize with, but I am sure, when the strategic game starts becoming more important, she can navigate out of this position. After all, she does have Brayden advocating for her which can definitely help. She would need to push for Dennis if she wants to survive until the swap at this point.

Fools

Jared: He takes the number 1 spot on this tribe as he is working with both “sides.” He is serving as the perfect double agent for Danny and Shaad. Additionally, he is making the smart move of getting rid of an obvious duo wherein he was the third wheel of that alliance. He has a great strategic mind on his shoulders, but is it too early for him to show that off? Regardless, he has earned this top spot by avoiding the target cleanly and betraying his allies perfectly. Jared is definitely a contender for the winner spot as he has shown some excellent gameplay these past two rounds.

Danny: Danny has done well in avoiding the target this round as well. He seems to be more sociable and active than Shaad which is the main reason that he is not the one getting Jessica’s and Moth’s vote. Additionally, he was the one that brought Jessica’s and Moth’s pre-existing relationship to Jared’s attention which caused this flip to happen in the first place. Finally, Danny made an excellent move by pairing himself with Jared as this duo could be something fearsome to go up against in the future. The cards are being laid out for a force to be reckoned with and I am excited to see what Danny will do in the future.

Shaad: It is hard to tell if Shaad did anything himself to avoid being voted out, but, regardless, he did something right by aligning with Danny and Jared instead of ratting to Jessica and Moth. In fact, even if he does rat, he will still land himself at number 3. He is not going to get voted out here, and has an established alliance moving forward. And now that he is putting more focus on the game, I am happily anticipating what he can accomplish now.

Jessica: Jessica is being blindsided tonight. However, at the very least, she is not the one going. Her performance in challenges have helped her avoid the target for the time being. Here we can see that the boys weren’t inactive, they were just inactive with her which spells doom for Jessica if this tribe goes to tribal council again. Unfortunately, the boys found out about her prior connection with Moth. The only thing Jessica could have done was to distance herself from Moth at the beginning of the game, but that seemed unlikely since people were inactive with her. I hope Jessica is able to survive until a swap because it would be devastating to see her go so early.

Moth: There is nothing Moth did that landed them here. It was just an unfortunate circumstance wherein they are targeted because of a prior connection. Additionally, I doubt Moth is going to see this coming.

S.E.E.S.

Colin: With an advantage in his hands and him being the most popular bachelor on his tribe, Colin is quick to make allies and his allies like it that way. It feels as if everyone wants to ally with Colin. His activity in the earlier stages of the game have definitely born fruit.

Elle: Similar to Colin, everyone wants to work with Elle. Her social game is just that strong. Nothing much else to say besides what I said before, but the challenge definitely helped raise Elle’s standings in the tribe.

Anastasia: Similar to last round. Nothing much to say.

Jay: He is keeping out of the spotlight which is good.

Babs: No developments. Still viewed in the same way though has noticeably been less unhinged in the tribe chat.

Jennifer: Still the same as last time: seemingly inactive and might be targeted for it.

[jeonsdear]

tbh i hate that my stupid brain has to turn everything good into something bad. i love bts and they make me feel good, but at the same time i get so jealous bc they're so beautiful and their work is amazing and i'm just here like hating myself and not knowing what to do with my life bc i didn't think i would be alive at this point.. and i wasted almost my whole youth being too depressed and now i feel like i'm running out of time..

Hey bubs ♡ Alright, please listen to me because this comes from someone who spent her whole teenage years with depression and anxiety. Someone who struggles here and there in her 20′s still sometimes. Please excuse the length but I feel so passionately about this and I had so many years to think about these things that I feel like I need to properly answer this ask.

First of all, and please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you’re saying that as much as you love bts you feel like they’ve archived so much in their lives and they’re doing so many good things, right?  Well, yeah. They have and they do. That’s true. B U T  just because your success looks different doesn’t mean it’s any less valuable. The boys’ lives? That’s not normal. Most people aren’t famous and can use their exposure for good things. So don’t even try comparing yourself to them. Just stop. Honestly.  And comparing at all? Only compare your current self to your past self. There’s no sense in comparing yourself to other people. All our paths and struggles are different. Our goals, our dreams. You can’t compare yourself to other. Especially because what might look like success to you might mean failure to them. We only see what other people let us see. Remember that. Your perception is probably all wrong. Instead, compare yourself to the person you were last month, last year. 2 years ago. Hell, even a week ago. You will find that you have grown and you made progress. How insignificant that might look to you, it’s still growth. I am definitely not where I wanna be when it comes to my mental health or my dreams and goals, but I’m a lot closer than my 15 year old self was. Than my 18 year old self was. Only imagine how much closer I will be when I’m 27? 

It’s a common thing, as someone who struggles with mental health issues, to feel like you’re running out of time. And for those of us who started getting ill in their teens, it’s common to feel like we’ve wasted our youth. And you know what? Yes, if we hadn’t been depressed as teens we might have made other experiences. We might have done other things. You can’t pretend that that’s not true. But here’s the thing:

1. That’s not your fault.2. You can’t change it3. The past is the past4. Time is a concept constructed by humans

It does not do well to dwell on what might have been, hun. Fact is, your past is your past. STOP wishing it had been different. Instead look for something positive to come out of this. My struggles allowed me to grow into a very tolerant person. An empathetic person. A non-judgemental person. A kind person. I don’t know who I would be without my depression. I can’t tell you because I started being depressed when I was 12/13. I never experienced how my ‘healthy’ teenage self was like. And I don’t care. Because me right now? That’s me. And the traits I listed are those I’m most proud of. Try to view it in that way and figure out was positivity you can see in your case. 

And lastly, you’re not running out of time. I don’t know how old you are. But people literally are becoming 100 years old. Trust me, you have enough time. Also the reason you feel like you’re running out of time, is because society taught you certain milestones in your life you should have experienced at certain ages. Which is bullshit. Your path in life isn’t planned and there’s no to-do list to tick off. I know it’s easier said than done and I sometimes struggle with that too, but you honestly have to make yourself aware of that. Everyone has a different path, a different pace and a different distance. Life doesn’t stop when you’re 30. It doesn’t stop when you’re 40. You have a whole life ahead of you with possibilities, stay alive to witness it. 

If you haven’t yet I would really really really recommend getting therapy. I know, scary. But it does help. Trust me. And mindfulness does too. Acknowledge how you’re feeling but make yourself aware of the faults in your thinking. That’s not reality speaking, that’s your illness speaking.

I wish I could ask Yoongi to contribute to this because I’m pretty sure his experience with depression on not feeling good enough would add great insights to this ask. But I can’t.

If BTS makes you happy don’t overthink too much. The boys have their own struggles and insecurities and they don’t always let them see us, you know.

Life is too short to give a damn about how other people live. You do you. Start thinking about what you’d like to do in life without society telling you what you should be doing. Maybe come back to my ask box when you’ve figured it out? :)  ♡ 

Good luck, I believe in you & it will get better I promise 

Army are a family, you’re not alone

[anxiety-trademark]

The week in review:

Raw 11/16 NXT 11/18 NXT UK 11/19 Smackdown 11/20 Survivor Series 11/22

Raw:

Appreciate Lana providing logic to the creation of this match.

“Is this a Disney movie” lmao.

Honestly Shayna works better as a henchman than as a final boss.

Love Lana’s theme btw.

rip Mandy.

Ugly kick by Asuka. Not a compliment.

hahaha Lana tagged herself into the match while Shayna had Asuka in the clutch. hahahahah.

“You suck, get out” rofl.

Asuka you’re trash for not saving Lana. Truly.

“I’m actually really proud of you, you showed a lot of courage tonight.” Nia is funny. A bitch and a bully, sure, but funny.

There’s number 9. rip.

First of all, Dana’s shaky interview was going really well, and I wish they had let her finish it cuz god knows she needs the practice.

Second, WHY IS MIA YIM ATTACKING DANA OF ALL PEOPLE?

I’m not sorry, I shamelessly love Bray and Alexa together, goodbye.

“Your word is... jackass” lmaooo why is he even doing a spelling bee to prep for this match.

rip Rambling Rabbit for the 38th time.

What makes him being killed so damn demented is not only the way he exhibits agony and suffering as he dies, but the way they STAND BY LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY. This is the definition of sociopathy.

“Bullseye!” “More like... Rabbit’s heart!” *continues laughing hysterically* jfc.

Really love how Alexa puts her hand beneath her chin and then waves. That goes along with her characteristics developed since the fairy gimmick in nxt back in 2014/2015, to the cosplaying mean girl in 2016/2017/2018, to the babyface in 2019/2020. Also adds another layer with her gloves. Love that.

Nikki’s wandering around looking for Alexa, when clearly she should be looking for the Firefly Funhouse. I suggest asking Seth or Randy.

“Friends never give up on each other,” they also don’t give each other ultimatums cuz that’s toxic af, but okay.

She keeps running her mouth about Fiend and I can already see Alexa demolishing her for it.

LOVE the cohesion in going from one segment to the other as Sarah runs around looking for an interview. Fitting since that’s obviously her job, but it went together smoothly. They really come off as tmz lol.

I appreciate how Miz doesn’t want to fuck with Bray cuz he knows Bray will just torment his family lol. I also appreciate his reasoning because he’s a true opportunist. he doesn’t want to exhaust himself with this match cuz he might cash in later.

Love Alexa’s remixed theme, it’s jarring af. Walking red flag btw.

Oh nooo Nikki what are you doinggg.

I’m not a fan of how Nikki sold this interaction. Didn’t feel natural at all.

OH SHIT the sound of that slap, oof.

Oh my god I love how Bray came out and glared at Nikki. FANTASTIC. Absolute gold. Then he just smiles at Alexa as she takes his arm to escort him to the ring.

And the way the camera focuses back on Miz and Morrison... Miz’s face... I can’t, this is tremendous tbh. What a great story to run throughout this week’s Raw.

lmfao the way Alexa stuck her head between the ropes to scare Morrison. Ugh this pairing is easily my favorite thing in wwe rn.

Interesting, so Bray protects her. A fair duo.

I will never not cringe at watching people pretend to break someone’s neck by twisting it to the side. If I was a wrestler, that’s a move I would NEVER allow to be done to me.

On the plus side, Alexa took out Morrison and he sold it really fucking well. On the negative, it seems that distracted Bray as he’s more concerned for her well being now.

Oh my god the way Alexa reappears from behind the barricade. Creepy as shit.

Love watching her “balance” on the barricade considering she was one hell of a gymnast in her day.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for watching Lacey progress in the ring, cuz I think her character work is just fantastic, but holy shit what a downgrade going from Mandy and Dana to Lacey and Peyton.

Why is she excited? Why is it exciting to fight Sasha? Maybe Asuka should’ve taken that match a bit more seriously, considering the outcome. But I’m jumping ahead of myself.

“No one is ready for Asuka,” except for Charlotte, Becky, Shayna, Alexa, Sasha...

I do appreciate how Lacey isn’t scared of anyone while Peyton is wary of literally everyone. That’s good. Nia has a point though, y’all could’ve used Mandy. I guess it doesn’t matter though, considering the outcome. Jumping ahead of myself again.

“Worst idea since Quibi” lmao shots fired.

*Bonus* Peyton/Lacey online exclusive: they vibe real well off script. Peyton made points saying she can’t wait to teach Lacey how to be on a team. That’s valid cuz Lacey is NOT much of a team player. Points to Lacey though, she’s funny as hell.

Highlight: Alexa Bliss

---

NXT:

Awesome hearing War Pigs during that Shotzi promo. Is that the official theme song for War Games? If so, baller to wwe for shelling that cash out.

I’m guessing Shotzi was fixing her tank? Was that the premise? Regardless, the setting was different and interesting.

I really like the fencing around nxt’s ringside. Fits with the grungy “indie” feel.

God I’m gonna have to watch Candice defeat Kayden and Kacy aren’t I?

Indi bought the Garganos a flat screen tv? :/ mk. What does she have to gain? Johnny was an AWFUL champion and Candice has never even held gold. What is she hoping to accomplish?

“Indi is gaining one of the best mentors in the nxt locker room” lmao WHAT.

omg Kacy and Kayden are so fucking entertaining, I feel like I say this every time I watch them. All tag teams need to TAKE. NOTES. Look at that cohesion and teamwork. Whew.

Hold on don’t try to retcon Tegan as leaving Candice’s side. I hate Tegan even more than I hate Candice, and she was a shite friend to Dakota by proxy of being a spineless dweeb, but do not try to paint Candice as the victim in her feud with Tegan.

I know nothing about the Dakota/Candice friendship but I’d go ahead and blame Dakota since she’s hella douchey lmao.

Imagine thinking Indi is an upgrade from Dakota. Commentary is super funny and distracting tonight lmao.

Was that not a flatliner? Sure looked like an intended flatliner.

So Kacy attempts to kill herself in the process of taking out Indi and none of the cameras caught it? :/ we still using interns looking for college credits in production? Is that what’s happening??

Vic is kind of an awful commentator in his actual calls. “Nice suplex, almost a brainbuster” better hope that was a brainbuster cuz if not, that was the saddest fucking suplex I’ve ever seen in my life.

So Kacy almost kills herself using offense against Indi and Indi was coherent first? Ugh anyway.

Why do we have to listen to Ember speak every week? What a terrible idea.

So now she’s gonna be nxt’s savior by getting rid of Dakota and Raquel? Oh for fuck’s sake.

Why does she have fucking soda tabs on her gear still.

Why is she teaming with Toni. I THOUGHT THEY WERE HEELS. Seriously, am I the dumb one? Am I the one who needs their hand held? Has Ember not been acting like a heel since she returned? Am I the only one confused about Toni’s alignment??

“We’ve fallen victim to the numbers game” WHEN have you fallen victim to the numbers game, Toni? WHO WROTE THIS.

I know nxt wants me to give a shit about Ember and Toni, but good luck making me care about anyone down there more than Dakota or Rhea.

I would really appreciate it if Dakota was moved up to the MR without actually showing any dissention from Raquel.

Dakota calls a lot of matches, I’ve noticed. Pro shit.

Toni’s German suplexes are amazing if she’s actually never hurt anyone, cuz MAN they look gnarly af.

Gorgeous tornado ddt by Ember. Nice speed, great handling by Raquel.

Don’t Dakota and Toni have quite the history? From UK?

Today in wrestling commentary: Vic cannot tell the difference between left and right.

Whoa I just noticed Dakota isn’t wearing her knee brace. That’s kind of monumental, right? Isn’t that a big deal? I feel like that’s a big deal.

Honestly I might like Toni more than Ember. She comes off as a lot more likable since her move to nxt.

Oh Christ I gotta see Candice again. 

Hi why isn’t this main eventing? Do Rhea fucking Ripley and Io fucking Shirai not deserve it?? For real???

Hate it when refs hold the title up crooked. Noob.

Holy shit Io’s speed is TOP. TIER. Whew.

And then slips on the turnbuckle, sad. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been a Shotzi wipeout (and that’s what I’m gonna call it from now on)

What Io has in speed, Rhea has in strength, these are the facts.

Why did Vic cut Beth off by saying exactly what she was in the middle of saying? Vic’s losing a lot of points tonight tbh.

oof gnarly German suplex off the second rope by Io.

Oh my, Rhea’s ear is covered in blood. Must have punctured her ear with an earring. Rough. I say this as someone who has her fair share of piercings: it BOGGLES MY MIND why any of these women wrestle with their piercings in lmao. No ma’am.

Brutal match, whew.

Rhea wiped her own blood on her face.

There are some aprons spots with Rhea obviously waiting around that needed some work.

Rhea can sell, certainly, but her screaming is way too dramatic at times. Most notably at wm in the empty arena, but this match is a close second. Almost borders on annoying.

Niiice Rhea adding a nice vortex spin on the tail end of her cloverleaf submission. Points. Keep that.

Oh that Riptide attempt countered into an armbar by Io. BEAUTIFUL.

I liked that. Io goes for the 619 in the middle rope, Rhea ducks. Io goes for the 619 on the lower rope, Rhea dodges. Io strikes her a couple times, Rhea falls to the opposite side of the ring and Io proceeds to hit the 619. Good stuff.

Lol Io’s smiling at Rhea kicking out of the missile dropkick.

Nice flip off of Rhea’s clothesline but I’m not a fan of Io landing her moonsault on her feet. That’s not really her M.O.

Fucking spiked Rhea with a ddt by countering the Riptide again. That’s a solid champion, has her opponent completely scouted.

Beautiful sunset flip powerbomb through the ropes with Rhea landing through a table. Would’ve been cool if Rhea had let go right away, though.

In kf, I give points to Rhea for dragging herself from the rubble just to eat a clean pin. Great match.

Highlight: Io vs Rhea

---

NXT UK:

Wow robbing me of KLR’s entrance. Guess Piper is officially the heel.

Quit calling her a “new” Piper Niven. A slight aggression is hardly “new”

BE CAREFUL WITH KLR’S SNAZZY COAT.

Y’all got tape out? Have we learned nothing from Bayley/Sasha hiac?

CHUCKED A FUCKING RING BELL INTO PIPER’S HEAD LMAO

Ugh headbutt that takes everyone out. Tsk.

Ric who? Charlotte’s dad??

Who do I gotta pay to see KLR vs Becky Lynch in an extreme match?!

KLR rolls away after that fisherman buster on the outside. Smart points.

Alright listen I’m on KLR’s side but WHY IS JINNY OUT HERE

Lol smacked Piper with a ‘no entry’ sign. Haha.

And Piper broke a sign over KLR’s head, followed by puns from the commentators.

rip random guitar.

Match doesn’t have any creative spots really, but they sure know how to utilize random objects.

BRO YOU CAN’T TAKE A STEEL PIPE TO HER KNEE ON CONCRETE, THAT’S HELLA RUDE. KLR lit a fire under Piper’s ass and Piper’s trying to retire her as thanks. Super, super rude.

Fuck her up fam, I don’t even feel bad.

??? Did KLR even land through the table or did she just land straight onto the fucking concrete? Jesus Christ man. No, she didn’t, she slid into the second table and just ate the floor. Oh my god. IS SHE OKAY??

Highlight: That vicious ending gained KLR a lot of respect in my eyes

---

Smackdown:

Imagine being surprised that Adam chose the longest reigning SD women’s champion as his team captain. Granted she’s probably despised by everyone, but she’s got the pedigree, come on now.

Look how good Bayley looks. Whew.

“You know what time it is? Bayley time.” she’s so annoying rofl.

Wow riveting stuff, I have zero comments about this 2 min match tbh.

Go stand in the ring with your damn captain, Bianca.

Lmao Bayley allergic to hugs now. Character progression.

It’s quite the team I’m ngl. I just wish we could’ve wrapped up this Sasha/Bayley shit like... months ago so we could enjoy captain Bayley for a bit longer. Gonna burn through this in one damn episode. It’s a bummer.

*Bonus* Nattie’s online exclusive: “I sailed through some rough waters [...] I’m smart, I’m sexy, I’m funny, I’m rich” She is funny, I will give her that.

We’re getting Asuka/Sasha face to face? For real? Okay.

Cute, Sasha’s smile toward Asuka actually looked genuine. I miss when Sasha seemed genuine. It’s like Bayley killed that part of her.

“Michael are you forgetting what time it is?” BAYLEY TI-- “It is boss time, baby!” welp my mistake.

I’ve played Asuka’s dialogue to Sasha 3x and I still have no idea what she was saying because of her ridiculous fucking dancing and animation. I’m tired. Bayley come take her title.

Omg now she’s doing “you can’t see me” SHE ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING I absolutely despise her being champion.

Actually she is ready for Asuka, and I’m gonna take great joy in watching her win this Sunday. Sasha is hella unlikeable until the moment that bell rings, then she’s a god. Is what it is.

Booo Sasha was actually doing good on the mic, how dare you ruin that, Carmella.

Asuka is awful. Even Becky and Ronda fought off common enemies once upon a time. Asuka helps legit N O B O D Y. Awful champion.

Highlight: Captain Bayley

---

Survivor Series:

Love Sasha’s gear.

Asuka kicked out at one, quick everyone cry about her selling. Oh wait she’s not Charlotte, my bad.

Beautiful attempt at an armbar by Sasha, whew.

Sasha is so good at this whole wrestling thing lol.

Nice pop up from that backstabber.

Right and in contrast, Asuka is an amazing striker.

Oh a codebreaker to Sasha as she dangles from the second rope. Gorgeous move.

Ahhhh the blue haired god got the job done. I knew she’d win but it’s so gratifying to see.

Not much to say about the match. The spots weren’t brutal or super creative/innovative, but it had GREAT back and forth and really showcased their chemistry in technical wrestling. Also might very well have been the best match they’ve had yet, seemed pretty short though. Still, an enjoyable watch. Good for Sasha.

Lol the disdain in Nia’s face as she looks at Lana.

Look, Bayley’s arm band says ‘captain’ so she’s the captain.

Love seeing how creative people get with their gear at Survivor Series, as opposed to just throwing a damn brand shirt on. Looking at you, 2016.

One thing I’ve learned about Bayley is if she calls you sister, she genuinely likes you behind the scenes. So glad to see Lacey is in her good graces.

Omg Lacey learned how to do a kip up, everybody clap.

Love how the light shines off of Nattie’s gear. Got rainbows popping.

Squatting while stalling a suplex, and synchronized kip ups. Bianca and Nattie are fun.

“Bayley and the great Becky Lynch,” Oh shit, peep that RESPECT we’re putting on her name now? She gets ‘the great’?? wwe finally seeing her on the same level as ‘the great’ Charlotte Flair??? I am shook. Good for her, fucking deserved (also poor Bayley rofl)

Lana tags herself in again lmao. Nia 5 seconds from killing her. Look, Lana tries. Let her try.

I can’t breathe. she been put in timeout.

(referring to a move by Peyton) “I give that a perfect 10“ PPPFFFFTTTT

What a bump by Bayley; a suplex off the top rope onto the entire roster on the outside, and what a great locker room leader to be checking on everyone IMMEDIATELY as if she didn’t just fucking take a massive bump. Also poor Lana standing over there watching the fun lol.

Now I already knew Peyton pinned Bayley cuz of the outrage by Bayley fans who deemed her “buried” afterward, but I think it was a poor decision to have Peyton get that pin. Peyton sucks, not sorry. Have Lacey get that pin before Peyton. Actually, have Lana get that pin before Peyton.

Not sure what Nattie was going for with that submission to Peyton, but she improvised real quick. So points.

Doesn’t Nattie usually wear wrist guards? Awkward seeing her without them.

Goes for a sharpshooter on a woman who’s not even active rn. I’m removing her points lmao.

I legit never get to see Bianca’s 450 splash and you know what? Fuck y’all.

Well Bianca’s a great partner to do a Spanish Fly with so, good on Lacey.

That’s an interesting elimination. Ruby would’ve pinned Shayna as she had rolled back and reversed the Clutch, but the ref was distracted by Nia. By the time he started counting, Ruby had passed out. Interesting.

Crucifix Bomb by Liv eliminates Lacey, fucking dope.

Having Bianca as the last survivor on her team is great for Bianca. This is a compliment from management.

BEAUTIFUL catch by Shayna into the Clutch. Wow that was nice.

Ah we redoing the spot from their Takeover match, IE my introduction to Bianca. Solid.

Oh this is good. Bianca passed out from the Clutch while on the ropes so Shayna was disqualified. Nia drug Bianca out of the ring to put her through the announce table and they started brawling until they were both counted out. 

Again, I knew Lana was the sole survivor but seeing it happen is fucking hilarious. Nice protection for Bianca though, and seeing Nia this pissed off is so cathartic.

Highlight: Bianca was the real standout imo

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*Survivor Series shined the brightest as we had both a great technical match, and a fun, entertaining multiwoman match filled with shenanigans. If that’s a cop out, then I’ll give it to NXT this week. 

[rebelwith0utacause]

I need help with eating better/ healthier. I struggle so much! Especially with PCOS, I wanna do nothing but stress eat 😕 I did pretty good today with not eating out for once

This is gonna be a long one sorry :/

Tbh I eat like shit. I don’t have issues with eating out because that was never my thing, but I tend to stress eat a lot of sugar, like my comfort food are endless amounts of chocolate bars and coffee/cocoa loaded with sugar. And the issue with this is that it’s a vicious cycle (dare I say addiction?) of sugar highs and lows that require even more sugar. Not to mention that I don’t really eat fruit & veggies.

I’ve wanted to clean up my diet for a while now (mainly because of PCOS) because I’ve realized that it really affects my mental health as well. I won’t say that I wouldn’t mind getting slimmer, but basically a healthier body leads to a healthier mind, so that’s my priority. This is like really important whenever you start because you need to be in the right mindset and honest with yourself about why you’re doing things. If I said that it was only because of how I look and how others perceive me, than I’d achieve nothing (because I honestly don’t care), but if I told myself that it was because I actually wanna have normal periods after 10 years of not having regular flow/wondering what tf did I did wrong to deserve this, then I actually have a clear and strong goal ahead of me.

It all started right before NYE 2018 (?) where I stumbled upon a Buzzfeed video about PCOS. I don’t really care much about these videos tbh, but something made me see the whole thing. I took it with a grain of salt, mainly because I don’t think you need to get out of your way with pills/exotic food etc to get better. But there was one part where one of them said something along the lines of “you can’t expect your body to produce enough lining and shed it if you don’t have enough nutrients in you” (don’t take my word on it, I only watched it once but it started a long process of realization). So basically there I was, stressing out about work and eating straight up sugar, no nutritional value whatsoever, just enough to help me fuel my body, wishing I could finally get my period. It’s been 3 months without one by that point.

Needless to say, 2018 came and passed, I didn’t do much, just let that info stew in my head. I stumbled upon 2 other videos about food intake and Native American diet, which further shed light on how my body processes food and how genes could have a lot to do with how my body processes certain foods. So that’s the most important part, educating yourself about how food works. I’m a major sucker for biology, so I realized that this was very important to me, to explain to myself and rationalize why I should eat sth and not eat another thing.

Late last summer was a weird time for me. Work was kicking my butt and my mental state was a mess because of it. I’d resort to sugar for literally anything, and when even that didn’t help, I reached out to cigarettes again (I’ve been clean for 3.5 years by then). My body desperately needed a change, and it wasn’t only about PCOS this time. Once again, I stumbled upon a video about some homesteaders starting up a diet (which for the life of me I can’t remember the name of) to “cleanse” their bodies from shitty food. Of course, I scoffed at this and to this day I think that that was a load of shit. What’s the point of doing something short term when you know you’re gonna be back on your bullshit in a month?

But it got me thinking; I have a lot of allergies and the reason why I don’t eat too many fruits and veggies is because I have mild allergic reactions to them. I’ve had the thought that maybe some of those reactions were due to the combo of the vegetable + food preservatives in other items, it’s happened in the past, so there was a chance. The thing about oral allergy syndrome is that you don't actually have a food allergy, but your body confuses the proteins (?) in some of those foods (especially when it’s picking season) as allergens of something you already have an allergy on because of their chemical structure and triggers a reaction. For example, I’m extremely allergic to birch, and (according to my doctor) my brain confuses nuts, tomatoes and onions as allergens, making my windpipe feel as if it’s closing up. Now I don’t know the science behind this, but eating tomatoes + pâté, or sometimes even those chocolate bars I’ve been having triggers the same reaction.

The culmination of 2 years of thinking about this, made me decide to eliminate anything that might be considered an allergen or a trigger for a month, and then slowly add them back into my life, one by one, so I can finally find out what works for me and what doesn’t. I quit sugar (all sorts, processed, honey, honey substitutes and sugar substitutes, I only allowed myself fruit), gluten (because I’ve read so many stories about PCOS and gluten being worst enemies so why the hell not), lactose (same as gluten), nuts (except cashews because I know that they don’t cause a reaction for me) and all processed foods (so no spreads, no ketchup & mayo, none of that vegan/vegetarian food because in most cases it had gluten, no chocolate). 

I thought it would be so hard, because what will I do without sugar?? Turns out I really shouldn’t have worried. 2 days into eating greens and lean meat, a handful of roasted cashews along with a glass of OJ and a couple of apples, I got my first proper period after 4 months. 25 days later - same, 28, then 30, then, 31 days later too. I had completely reset my metabolism. 

I thought I wouldn’t have energy, but it turns out, my caloric intake was below the line, and instead of storing all of those calories in the form of fat for the off chance I might need them, as it always does whenever you start eating less than normal, it actually turned towards the fat storage in my body and used it up. The difference is that in the first case, your body eats up muscle to get energy, and in the second it uses the fat. Fat is basically energy, so you can see why I was no longer feeling lethargic or why I could actually have the brain capacity to perform daily tasks. 

After about a month and a half, I started reintroducing foods in my diet (because no matter how great I felt, I knew that I had a goal), basically telling me everything I already thought was true. Gluten & lactose are a no-no for PCOS, sugar should be out of the question, and processed food needs to be taken in small quantities.

If there’s anything you take away from my experience, I’d say that you should educate yourself on food and why we need it and what it does to our body. Once you see it from that perspective, it might help you make better food decisions. But don’t start before you’re mentally ready for it. Also, try to find a solution that works for you (I can’t stress enough how what works for me or someone else might not work for you, don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t), take everything you read/hear with a grain of salt, be a curious skeptic and whenever you have even the smallest indication that what you’re doing isn’t right, stop it altogether. The scale tips both ways and it’s so easy to go from one extreme to the other. Work with what you have, you don’t need to spend money on organic food or some exotic fruits or whatever. Get the cheapest fruits and veggies but make sure you reach for them instead of sweets and processed food. You don’t even have to make gourmet meals.  You’re gonna stumble a few times, but trying is better than not doing anything (when it comes to PCOS). Hope this helps in any way. Good luck 💜