#wish me luck on my trip im v nervous about it but also excited

[ghosttotheparty]

love me softly p19

part 18

Eddie’s alarm clock wakes them up.

Steve startles, still laying on top of Eddie, and then he groans into Eddie’s neck, nuzzling closer as Eddie smacks the alarm clock off.

Eddie sighs, wrapping his arms around him and turning his face into Steve’s hair.

“You have an awful clock,” Steve mumbles, his voice low and rumbly. Eddie laughs quietly, running his hand up Steve’s bare back. His skin is warm.

“Sorry.”

Steve sighs, his breath hot on Eddie’s neck, and Eddie drags his fingertips over his spine. After a quiet moment Steve groans softly, pressing his face into Eddie.

“Don’t fall asleep,” he grumbles. “I told Wayne we’d get to school on time.”

“You don’t wanna skip with me?” Eddie asks as Steve sits up, following him up, propping himself up with his hands behind him. Steve sits next to him, smiling sleepily, his hands in his lap. Eddie squints at him, his eyes skimming over him, over his sleep-tousled hair and pink cheeks, lingering on the soft rolls of his stomach. Eddie wants to bite him.

“Maybe if Wayne didn’t say anything about us getting to school on time,” Steve says, smiling.

Eddie looks at the ceiling, sighing heavily.

“Dammit, Wayne.”

Steve laughs softly, and then he leans forward and touches Eddie’s chin, kissing him softly.

“Good morning, Eddie baby,” he says quietly.

“Good morning,” Eddie murmurs, his cheeks flushing. Steve smiles and kisses him again.

“Wayne’s in the living room,” Eddie says as he’s stretching. “I’ll go find you a toothbrush and whatnot.”

“Thank you,” Steve says softly, following him up and stretching, arching his back and groaning quietly. “I’ll get dressed.”

Eddie hums.

“Unfortunate.”

He steps up behind Steve as he’s looking for his shirt that he tossed away last night, sliding his hands across his waist and squeezing and kneading at his belly and hips. He’s so soft. Eddie rests his forehead on Steve’s shoulder, groaning quietly.

Steve sighs when Eddie’s chest presses to his back, his head falling back. He hums when Eddie squeezes his belly again.

“Don’t distract me,” he says after a moment, and Eddie can hear his smile in his voice.

Eddie kisses the side of his neck.

“M’kay.”

He finds a spare toothbrush under the sink. Brings it to Steve as Steve is pulling his jeans on. His shirt is wrinkled, the collar uneven. Eddie hands the toothbrush to him and fixes his collar wordlessly before he kisses his forehead.

“‘M gonna make breakfast,” he says as he finishes dressing.

“‘M gonna brush my teeth,” Steve says. He’s leaning against the wall, watching Eddie button his jeans. Eddie blushes, smoothing his shirt and finding his rings on the bedside table. Steve gazes as he puts them on. “You’re really hot, you know that?”

Eddie’s face flushes with even more heat, and he looks at the floor, grinning.

“Don’t distract me,” he says, tugging Steve into a chaste kiss before he goes to the kitchen.

He hears Steve laugh behind him.

He’s smiling as he makes their breakfasts (toasted bagels with eggs and cheese and probably too much salt and pepper), listening to Wayne snoring and the bathroom sink running, happy.

He’s finishing Steve’s sandwich when he feels him approach from behind him, and his smile grows when Steve’s hands push under the hem of his t-shirt, sliding over his stomach and pressing to hold him close.

Steve hums, nuzzling into his neck.

“‘S nice,” he murmurs.

“What’s nice?”

“This.”

“You want me to be your little house-husband, sweetheart?”

“Hm. I wouldn’t mind.”

Eddie laughs softly, tilting his head as Steve kisses the side of his neck.

“I’m gonna go. Meet Tommy before school starts.”

“Lemme wrap this up for you,” Eddie says, and Steve doesn’t detach from him as as he carefully rips some tin foil from the roll as quietly as he can. Steve’s fingers brush over Eddie’s skin as he wraps it, almost tickling.

“Is it weird that I like listening to Wayne snore?” Steve asks, watching over his shoulder. Eddie grins.

“Nah, I like it too.” His tongue pokes out for a moment as he focuses, trying not to like the foil rip. “Used to sleep with him when I moved in ‘cause I couldn’t be by myself,” he says. “Used to listen to him snore when I couldn’t sleep. It helped.”

“‘S really sweet,” Steve says quietly. Eddie smiles, finally finishing, and he holds the sandwich up. Steve reaches to take it, tilting his head to press a kiss to Eddie’s cheek. “Love you.”

“Love you too, hon—“

He cuts off when he turns to look at him, his eyes lowering go look over Steve.

He’s wearing that one sweatshirt from Eddie’s closet, the black, bleach-stained one. Eddie can see the collar of his polo under the neckline of it, and his cheeks flush.

“…Ney,” he finishes. Steve smiles. “You’re gonna wear it to school?”

“Yeah,” Steve says, looking down at it, smoothing down the front. “Why not?”

“I…” Eddie gazes at him, shrugging weakly and shaking his head. He’s right, Eddie thinks. There’s nothing on the sweatshirt that would point to Eddie. No metal band name across the chest, no chains or leather. “Because I’m not gonna wanna keep my hands off you.”

Steve beams, stepping forward and touching his chin.

“Practice self-restraint,” he says lightly, leaning in and kissing him gently. “And it’ll be worth it.”

Eddie’s cheeks light up.

“Oh, is that so?” he whispers. Steve hums, tracing his jaw.

“I’ll let you take it off of me,” he murmurs, smiling when Eddie’s eyes widen and he inhales slowly.

“Okay,” Eddie says weakly before he leans in and kisses him hard, reaching to hold his face. He can feel Steve’s smile against his mouth, and after a second, Steve’s fingers push into his hair and tug gently. “Okay,” Eddie breathes when they part.

“I’ll see you later,” Steve says, smiling, tilting his head. Eddie blushes again (he has a serious problem), and he avoids Steve’s eyes, reaching to fix his collar so it’s over the neckline of the sweatshirt, neat and preppy and cuter than it should be.

“See you later,” he murmurs.

Steve kisses his forehead.

“Love you,” he says, stepping back, and their hands drop. He grabs his bag from the laundry machine where he’d placed it. “Don’t forget your homework for Murphy.”

“Fuck, thank you,” Eddie says, quickly moving to find it on the table. “Love you too, baby.”

Steve is smiling when he leaves.

Eddie’s stomach flips over every time his eyes catch Steve in the hallways, glimpsing his dark sweatshirt on Steve’s body, seeing everyone see it without knowing it came from Eddie’s closet. He wants to tug him into the bathroom in the main building, to push him into a stall and kiss him so hard they both go blind for a second.

He refrains.

He finds a little sketch in his locker later, a pencil drawing on a ripped piece of lined paper. The pencil is dark and smudged, in the shape of a sweatshirt that’s rumpled and folded. Red pen marks where the sweatshirt is bleach-strained.

At the bottom of the page is written,

(got something to tell you)

Curiosity almost overcomes him, and he has to hold back from marching over and dragging Steve by the hand into the bathroom to interrogate him. Their eyes meet across the cafeteria during lunch, and Eddie raises his eyebrows at him.

But Steve just smiles and looks back at him, only blinking when he recoils when Tommy’s hand runs across his face suddenly, and Eddie laughs.

Steve’s collar is messed up again, under the collar of the sweatshirt. Eddie wonders why until he watches Steve lifts the sweatshirt up over his mouth and nose, watches his shoulders rise and fall as he breathes deeply, and he remembers watching Steve smell the sweatshirt the first time he pulled it from Eddie’s closet. Eddie looks away, rubbing his cheek and suppressing a smile.

Steve comes over after school. (Eddie kind of wishes they could do this every day. He really wishes they could do this every day.)

“What do you have to tell me?” Eddie asks as soon as he walks in, and Steve laughs softly, dropping his bag and following him to the sofa. He collapses onto Eddie’s lap when Eddie sits, holding his shoulders and grinning. Eddie’s hands catch his waist gently.

“‘S kinda weird,” he says softly, settling on Eddie’s legs before he reaches to Eddie’s hair, combing through it and pushing it back, tucking it behind his ears. Eddie’s cheeks feel warm, and he tilts his chin up at him.

“Tell me.”

Steve kind of slumps, looking at Eddie’s guitar pick as he plays with the ends of his hair shyly.

“I felt really pretty today,” he says in a small voice, quietly. Eddie’s eyebrows raise, and his hands slide over Steve’s waist, and his chest tightens.

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm.”

“‘Cause of this?” Eddie asks, running a hand over Steve’s chest, touching the sweatshirt.

“Mhmm.”

“Think you gotta keep it.”

“I would,” Steve says, almost murmuring, leaning down and nudging their noses together. “But I need it to smell like you.”

“Well then you gotta move in,” Eddie says softly, and Steve giggles, kissing him. Eddie kisses him back, reaching up the back of his head, holding him carefully, tenderly.

He feels Steve relax against him as they kiss lazily, sighing when Eddie sucks on his lip. Eddie sighs in turn when Steve’s fingers bury themselves in Eddie’s hair.

Eddie’s hands creep slowly to the hem of the sweatshirt, but Steve pulls away, smiling. Eddie gasps, breathless, and opens his eyes to gaze up at him.

Steve nudges their noses together again.

“We have homework,” he whispers.

Eddie groans, shoving his face into Steve’s chest. Steve laughs, kissing his head before he gets up. Eddie watches him cross the room to get their backpacks, and he catches his when Steve throws it to him.

“We can make out when we’re done.”

Eddie sighs as Steve joins him on the sofa again.

“Curse my more responsible better half.”

Steve hums, grinning.

Steve doesn’t even bat an eye when Eddie gets up to pace while he works, just moving his legs out of the way so Eddie doesn’t trip. At some point Eddie can feel him watching him, but he doesn’t stop working.

Eddie only looks up when Steve takes his shirt off under the sweatshirt, pausing with his pen between his teeth to watch the hem of it ride up his stomach before Steve fixes it with a sigh, setting his polo aside. Steve must feel Eddie watching, because he looks up and meets his eyes.

“Focus,” he says firmly, a smile teasing his lips, and Eddie looks back at his worksheet, wide-eyed and teasing. Steve giggles quietly.

Steve finishes before Eddie does, but he doesn’t try to prompt him to make him work faster. He just lays his head on Eddie’s lap when he finally sits down heavily and looks up at the ceiling quietly. Eddie tangles his fingers in Steve’s hair right away, playing with it while he thinks, while he bites his lip and kicks his feet and listens to Steve breathe.

When he finally finishes, he sighs heavily and pushes his notebooks off his lap to the floor.

“Are you done or did you just throw everything?” Steve asks.

“‘M done. My brain’s fried. In a not good way.”

Steve snorts and looks up at him, tilting his head back. Eddie gazes back at him and moves his hand to caress his cheek. His skin is so soft.

Steve’s smile softens after a moment.

“What is it?” Eddie asks. Steve’s mouth twists for a second before he speaks.

“Do you… know what you’re going to do after you graduate?”

Eddie’s smile falls and he looks away, swallowing, suddenly nervous.

“I, uhm.” He’s still touching Steve’s face, so he moves his hand to his chest, resting over his heart. “No.”

Steve blinks at him.

Eddie’s never going to get over those eyes. It’s like they can see right into him.

“I don’t…” Eddie starts again, the thin wall he’s just built up falling away easily under Steve’s gaze. “I don’t even think I’m gonna graduate this year.”

Steve blinks again.

“Why?” he asks softly.

“Grades are shit,” Eddie says with a light shrug. “My brain doesn’t work like it’s supposed to, so…”

Steve frowns. It’s cute.

“What are you gonna do?”

Eddie shrugs again.

“Try again next year, I guess,” he says.

Steve half-smiles.

“We can graduate together,” he says lightly. Eddie’s heart swells a little bit. He hadn’t considered that.

“Wayne would like that,” he says softly. Steve’s smile widens, and his eyes close. “What are you gonna do after graduation?” Eddie asks after a moment, rubbing over Steve’s chest. Steve hums, opening his eyes and looking up to the ceiling.

“Dad wants me to study business,” he says softly. He lifts a hand to hold Eddie’s himself. “To follow in his footsteps.”

“Is that what you want?”

“…I don’t even actually know what he does,” Steve says, twining their fingers. “So no.”

“What do you wanna do?”

“I dunno,” he sighs. “Kinda just wanna get out of here, then figure everything out.”

“Outta Hawkins?”

“Mhmm.”

“You don’t like it here?”

Steve sighs again.

“Not really. I mean, I… I like you. And Tommy, and— And Gareth and Wayne.” Eddie squeezes his hand and smiles. “But Hawkins… It’s so…” He shakes his head. “Small. I guess. I think— I think Hawkins is what made me… Whatever I am.”

Eddie reaches with his other hand to brush his hair away from his forehead, and he leans down to kiss him.

“Where would you wanna go?” he asks quietly.

Steve hums softly, thoughtfully. Eddie gazes at him while he thinks, watching his eyelashes flutter with every blink, watching his nibble his lower lip until it’s shiny and pink.

“Maybe San Francisco,” Steve says finally, looking up at him with a smile.

“Why San Francisco?”

“Heard it’s really queer,” Steve says, his eyes shining. “Maybe I can hold your hand on the sidewalks.”

Eddie blinks in vague surprise.

“…You want me there?”

Steve blinks back, his fingers shifting on Eddie’s hand.

“Of course I want you there,” he says after a moment. When Eddie remains speechless, Steve moves his head so he’s laying across his lap instead on part of his thigh. “Eddie, I’m in love with you,” he says softly. “I want you there for everything.”

Eddie’s throat tightens and he swallows, looking away and blinking his suddenly stinging eyes.

“Okay,” he says weakly.

Steve is smiling brightly up at him, his hair fallen around his head messily.

“You wanna come with me?” he asks, and Eddie scoffs wetly, sniffling.

“Yeah,” he says. “Obviously. I’d follow you through hell and back, Stevie.”

Steve’s smile somehow brightens even more.

“We can take your van,” he says. “Just… pack our shit and go. Run away together.”

“Bring all your art,” Eddie tells him, brushing through his hair and ignoring the way the words Run away together make his heart pound. “Bet people in Cali will love it.”

“You think?”

“I know.”

“Okay,” Steve says shyly. He looks away, at Eddie’s hand on his chest. Eddie gazes down at him, at their fingers twisted together.

“God, I wanna marry you,” he blurts.

Steve giggles, pulling at Eddie’s hand to kiss his palm.

“You think they’ll let us do that someday?” he asks after a moment, tracing the lines of his palm.

“Yeah,” Eddie says firmly after a moment. “I think they’ll let us do that someday.”

Steve is smiling at him, and he sits up, dropping Eddie’s hand and moving to hug him. His arms wrap around his neck and Eddie smiles, gripping his thighs and pulling so Steve sits on his lap, straddling his hips. (This is where Steve belongs, right on Eddie’s lap, in his arms.)

“Love you,” Steve murmurs, pressing a kiss to Eddie’s he before he pulls away.

Eddie smiles, leaning to nudge their noses together, closing his eyes and breathing Steve in. He can basically feel the heat radiating from him, like he’s got the sun sitting on his lap.

Steve kisses him carefully, lingering and slow, and Eddie exhales, melting. He wraps his arms around Steve’s waist tightly, tilting his head back as Steve holds his head in his hands, his fingers pushing into Eddie’s curls.

Steve looks almost sleepy when they part, and he brushes his fingers over Eddie’s cheeks lightly, tickling him. Eddie’s hands crawl over his waist to the hem of the sweatshirt again, and he tugs at it gently.

“Can I take this off?” he whispers.

“Yes, please,” Steve breathes.

Eddie smiles and shifts to the edge of the sofa, gripping Steve’s legs and standing up. Steve’s legs wrap around him, his ankles locking behind his back, and he giggles, hugging Eddie’s neck again. Eddie kicks his door shut when he gets to his room and sits on the edge of his bed, hugging Steve back, nuzzling into his neck for a moment before he pulls away and reaches for the hem of his sweatshirt again.

Steve’s eyes are closed as he leans back and lifts his arms, letting Eddie pull it over his head. Eddie leans in as he tosses it behind himself to the bed, burying his face in Steve’s chest and sighing.

Steve’s fingers find Eddie’s hair again, playing with it as Eddie presses his lips just over where Steve’s heart is beating beneath his warm skin. Eddie presses his fingers into Steve’s hips, into his waist and belly and chest, kneading and pulling and groping and loving every inch of him.

Steve falls forward so he can press his face into Eddie’s neck.

“Alright?” Eddie whispers, because it feels wrong to speak in a voice anywhere above a breath right now. Steve nods.

“Feels good,” he breathes.

So Eddie doesn’t stop.

Steve’s lips find Eddie’s neck as Eddie touches him, and Eddie’s eyes flutter shut as Steve kisses him softly. The kisses are soft, slow and wet and gentle, and Eddie can practically hear their hearts beating in tandem.

“Can I give you a hickey?” Steve murmurs.

“Mhmm.”

“Thank you.”

Eddie laughs softly, dragging his fingertips over Steve’s spine.

Gareth won’t stop making fun of the hickey the next morning, poking at it and asking if he got too cozy with the vacuum.

“You’re the worst.”

“I’m pretty hilarious, actually. People with functioning brains know that.

“I’m gonna go hang out with Steve and Tomm— Oh, shit, Tommy.”

Eddie jumps up and grabs his backpack, sprinting across the parking lot to where the two of them are sitting on the hood of Steve’s car, leaving Gareth behind.

He sits abruptly next to Tommy, grinning broadly and hugging his backpack to his chest. Tommy blinks, cutting off mid-sentence, and the boy he’s talking to stares at Eddie, wide-eyed.

“Good morning?” Tommy says, looking at him. Steve is suppressing a smile, looking around him at Eddie.

“Hello,” Eddie says, staring at him intently. “Will you help me with my stats homework?”

A short laugh bursts from Tommy’s chest.

“Yeah, sure, man.”

“God bless your heart.”

Tommy tells the boy he’ll see him later, and the boy gives him a look with a slow, “…Okay…”

“Where’s Gareth?” Steve asks as Eddie is finding the homework.

“Oh, I ditched him,” Eddie realises, turning to tell his name loudly, and Tommy cackles with a, “Holy shit,” and Steve covers his face, laughing.

Gareth joins them a minute later, leaning next to Steve as Tommy helps Eddie through his homework. He makes it so much easier than Murphy does, and Eddie finishes before the bell even rings.

“Tommy, I might be a little in love with you.”

Tommy gives a startled laugh as Steve cuts off the conversation he’s having with Gareth to make an offended noise.

“You’re still top of my list, honey,” Eddie reassured him, leaning back to look around Tommy at him, blowing him a little kiss.

“What a relief,” Steve says dryly. His eyes are sparkling.

The rest of the week goes by fairly quickly. The four of them hang out at Gareth's one day, then in the parking lot of the school the next, sitting in Eddie's van with their legs tangled. Gareth and Tommy pretend to gag every time Eddie kisses Steve's lips.

Steve spends Friday night at Eddie's. On Saturday, Eddie wakes up to find Steve and Wayne having coffee and watching a baseball game on the television, talking and laughing, and Eddie thinks for a moment that he's going to die.

Steve's parents leave on Sunday. Eddie finds out because Steve appears at his door on Sunday evening, in tears, trembling.

"What happened?" he asks quickly, pulling Steve inside. Wayne is out, but Eddie kind of wishes he was here.

"They left," Steve says weakly.

"Did they-- Did they do anything?" Eddie asks, his eyes scanning over Steve's face and hands, searching for any evidence of a fight.

"No, they just..."

"Breathe, honey," Eddie says gently, and Steve closes his eyes, inhaling deeply, slowly, shakily.

"They didn't say goodbye," he says finally, opening his eyes and looking at Eddie desperately. "They just-- They didn't even leave a note, they usually-- They usually leave a note."

“Steve, baby,”  Eddie tries, not moving to touch him because he’s pacing, his hands moving frantically. “Isn’t it a good thing that they’ve gone?” “Yes, but…” He sighs, rubbing his face. “They didn’t even tell me where they were going. They always tell me where they’re going. And they said they were leaving tomorrow, but they just– they were just gone when I got back from Tommy’s, it’s– it’s like I don’t even exist to them,” he says, almost crying. 

“Fuck them,” Eddie snaps, letting his anger at them bubble over. “They don’t— They don’t love you, Stevie,” he says, softening his voice as Steve frowns and blinks hard. 

“I know,” he says weakly. “They don’t love me.” 

Eddie’s chest hurts. He wants to reach out and hold him, but something tells him Steve doesn’t want that right now. Doesn’t need that. His heart is beating fast, recovering from the sudden adrenaline, the sudden panic from looking for bruises or scrapes or discolouration on Steve’s skin, but as it fades, Steve says, under his breath, almost to himself, almost mindless, like he doesn’t even notice himself saying it, “Nobody loves me.” 

“What?” Eddie says, his blood suddenly cold. Steve’s eyes snap up to Eddie’s, and they’re shining in a way that Eddie’s never seen. Vulnerable and weak and almost scared. “Steve,” Eddie says softly. “What do you mean by that?”

Steve takes a shaky breath, shaking his head and shrugging weakly, so subtly he almost barely does it all. 

“My parents…” he starts, his voice wavering. “My parents don’t love me.” His expression hardens a little bit. “And— And people at school don’t love me.” 

“Steve, what the fuck are you talking about?” Eddie asks as gently as he can. “People at school adore you.” 

“No, they don’t,” Steve insists. “They love– They love the king,” he says, gesturing aimlessly with a hand, pacing again. “And I– I never wanted to be him, I’ve fucking– pretended to be him for years, but I’m not him. They don’t love me,” he says. “They love who they think I am.” He stops, looking at Eddie, blinking tears back. Eddie’s chest hurts. “They don’t know me.” 

“I know you,” Eddie says softly. “Don’t I?” 

“Yes,” Steve breathes. “You know… You know all of me.” 

“And I love you,” Eddie tells him. “...You believe that, right?” 

Steve just blinks at him, his lip quivering, and Eddie’s blood runs cold again. It feels like all the air expels from his lungs. 

“...Steve?” he whispers weakly. 

“I…” Steve blinks again, and a tear falls. He takes a sharp breath, looking at the ground the way he does sometimes when he’s thinking as he talks. “I have gone… my whole life,” he chokes. “Without… Without being told I’m loved. And without– without feeling like I’m loved. And then suddenly the fucking– the fucking boy of my dreams is in love with me too, and it’s just… It’s just kind of unbelievable sometimes.” He looks up at Eddie, his eyes glistening with tears. “I do believe you. I want to believe you.”

“Baby,” Eddie breathes. 

“It’s just—” He wipes his face so hard it makes his cheeks red. “I’ve spent years pretending to be someone I’m not, and everyone at school loves a– a lie. They don’t know me, and— and my parents don’t know me at all, and I don’t know me, but you say you love me, and I don’t— I don’t know who you love, Eddie.” 

He’s crying now, actually crying. Trying to wipe his tears away as they fall, sniffling and gasping, and Eddie’s vision is swimming with his own tears. 

“Steve,” he says as firmly as he can. He steps closer when Steve looks up at him, distraught, and he finally touches him, wiping his tears. “I…”

“‘M sorry,” Steve says weakly.  

“Don’t,” Eddie tells him, kissing his forehead and wiping his cheeks. He’s quiet for a moment, just holding him, his stomach twisting when Steve’s hands clutch at his sides, gripping his shirt. He can feel them trembling against him. He tries to think about how to say what’s swirling in his mind, how to phrase it. Sometimes the things he feels get stuck in his chest, tangled like thread. “Your parents are pieces of shit,” he settles on, moving back and holding Steve’s face to look into his eyes. “They made you feel unloveable, but you are fucking anything but unloveable, Steve Harrington.” 

Steve closes his eyes, listening, and a tear slips down his cheek, dripping to Eddie’s fingers. 

“And I…” Eddie pauses, looking at Steve, scanning his face, looking at the moles that spot his skin in a pattern that Eddie has memorized, a pattern that Eddie sees at night when he closes his eyes. “I see you,” he tells him. “I know you. And I love you,” Eddie says firmly. “Even if you think it’s… fantastical, or– or impossible.” He pauses, choking up a little bit, swallowing. He leans in to press their foreheads together, and Steve’s hands tighten. “And it is so, so easy to love you.”

Steve’s breath catches in his throat. 

“‘S my favourite thing to do,” Eddie murmurs, smiling softly. 

“How can you love me if I don’t even know who I am?” Steve asks quietly, finally opening his eyes. He looks like a fucking painting, his lashes all wet and dark, framing his shining eyes, his cheeks flushed red. Eddie aches.

 “You know I started falling for you before we even started talking?” 

Steve blinks. 

“I just… I just knew who you were on the inside,” Eddie explains softly. “And then we started talking and you… proved me right. That you’re kind and sweet and fucking…” He pauses to swallow, shaking his head, pressing a hand to Steve’s chest. “So fucking beautiful in here.”

Steve presses a hand over Eddie’s holding it to himself and taking a shuddering breath. 

“Why do I feel so…” 

He exhales heavily. Eddie feels his breath on his face. 

“So?”

“I don’t know.” Steve takes a deep breath, his shoulders falling. He stares blankly at Eddie’s guitar pick. “Tired. I feel like…” He’s quiet for a moment. “I have been… pretending to be someone I hate for years. It feels like… Like I’ve been, like, flexing all my muscles at once this whole time, and I finally got to relax around you, but I… This fucking place, just—” 

He cuts off and shakes his head before he exhales, and Eddie brushes his fingers over Steve’s jaw gently, tenderly, wishing he could do anything to lessen the anguish in Steve’s eyes. 

"I just…" Steve exhales, his shoulders slumping, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment like he's been awake for days. "Kinda just… wanna get drunk 'nd go to sleep."

"No," Eddie says sharply, shaking his head, moving closer to run his hands over Steve's upper arms firmly. "No, you're not gonna do that."

Steve looks at him, and Eddie knows he knows.

"Talk to me, Stevie," he says, softening his voice. Steve sighs, closing his eyes for another moment, reaching to hold onto Eddie's shirt again.

“I’ve been holding myself up for so long," he says quietly. "Pretending and lying and acting like— like this perfect son, this perfect student, perfect friend, perfect asshole, and there’s this… this thing inside of me that’s been waiting, and waiting, and like… building up, and it’s gonna explode, and I just— I don’t know what to do.” 

He looks into Eddie’s eyes almost anxiously, nervously, and Eddie nods, brushing his thumb over his cheek reassuringly, but Steve doesn’t say anything else. 

“Steve,” Eddie says softly. Steve blinks at him. “I’m… going to ask you something,” he says slowly, carefully. “And I want you to really think about it before you answer me.” 

Steve’s lips twitch into a small smile, his expression lightening already. 

“Okay,” he whispers. 

Eddie pauses, holding his face, and he bites his lip, hesitating until he finally speaks. 

“Do you wanna act out?” 

Steve blinks at him, his expression unchanging, but Eddie can see the gears turning behind his eyes. 

“...Yes.”

Eddie grins.

part 20 read the whole thing on ao3 tagging: @suddenlyinlove (love ur URL btw) @thehumblefigtree <3 comment to be tagged in part 20 :)

[mydearsaddiary]

Speakeasy Tonight Neil Season 3 Fanfic

Neil Season 3- Chapter 3

Hello! For those of you who don’t know Im writing a fanfic on how I’d imagine Neil Season 3 to go! This is chapter 3, here’s a link with all the chapters: https://mydearsaddiary.tumblr.com/NeilSeason3Fanfic

Little Curiosity notes: Because this chapter is all about the high society of BAHS-ton, there’s some currency involved! I put the amount in 1926 dollars, in parenthesis I adjusted it according to inflation on how much it’s cost today!

WARNING: LOTS OF ANGST AND DRAMA. LIKE SO MUCH DRAMA.

Chapter 3- Ghosts Are Alive in a Haunted Night

1926

The way to Boston was long. The anticipation built was driving me over the edge. I’ve been around the upper crust of Chicago, but even so most of them seemed like new money. Extravagant women who just got their hands on dough and bought everything they could. The upper crusts I met in Chicago weren’t elegant, they just had money in their hands. Even so I felt like an imposter amongst them.

I had a perception Neil’s family would be different. They were the true high society. Money was in their roots and they’ve never lived without it. For generations and generations I imagined most of them never worked, but increased their riches by letting others do the work for them.

I noticed when Lucille wrote to Neil, she always signed “Lucille Dresner of Boston”. Only the wealthy referred to themselves with their hometown attached to their name like “The Dresners of Boston”. They measured each other by how prominent of a family they were. For the first time I didn’t think of Neil as just Neil. I imagined him as “Cornelius Dresner of Boston” or “Cornelius of the house Dresner from Boston” or some fancy Jane Austen society title I could never imagine myself belonging to.

I knew Neil was living in an apartment in Chicago, living the same economic life as I did right now by choice, but that didn’t change where he was from or who his family was. For the first time I also realized that you could notice the high class in Neil in his personality.

There was just something in him that distanced him from people like Cliff or Vince who’d come from nothing or even me, who came from some but not as much. I thought of the elegancy, the way he never let himself look like a fool, the fact that he was highly educated, enjoyed chess like no other, the fact that it was easy to look at him and respect him. He had the air of being classier than most. He had his troubles and he wasn’t some snob who thinks he is better than everyone, but something in me said I needed to step up to the gentry, who breathed old money and who would judge me as middle class.

I looked down at the dress I chose for the trip. It was a delicate red. I always thought it was a good color on me, but it wasn’t the best dress (or the best shoes) I could be wearing

I looked at Neil who looked so calm he could have no idea of the internal battle that was happening in my mind. However, I felt guilty for struggling so much. Neil hadn’t seen his family in years, they’d probably be talking and paying so much attention to him that they wouldn’t even have time to look at what I was wearing

Nevertheless when we stepped out of the train in Boston I felt trapped. When I first got to Chicago, it seemed like the city was bursting, it was like my world had expanded and there was no seeing its end. In Boston I got a different feeling. The elegancy, tall buildings and the cold air engulfed you in its atmosphere and urged you to climb the social ladder. It seemed to tell you if you didn’t, you were bound to fail

-Hey…-It was the first time I said something in at least half an hour- I’ve been dying to see the fashion stores in Boston. Whaddya say you take me to see one, just to look around the city for a bit before we go?-I held his arm firmly

-Is the calm and steady Miss Granger nervous to meet my parents?- He got back at me from what I said in Columbus

-Alright, alright, this point goes to you!- I giggled nervously more than playful- I am, alright. Nothing calms my nerves better than shopping for a new outfit

-There’s a store nearby Lucille loved when she was younger. Can’t make any promises it’s still open.

-Doesn’t hurt to try!-I followed him around

It took a little while for Neil to remember the exact spot of the store and kept saying “It’s somewhere along this street”. While I followed him I looked around with interest. The city was full of cars and people. Constructions happened all around and every building was glued to the next one. Two words to describe it were: Completely packed. It seemed like the whole New England lived there. People were moved fast like all of them were in a hurry and it contrasted Columbus in a way it did make me feel like I came from the middle of nowhere. Among the cars there was a policemen on horseback flying by, it struck me as one more thing engulfed by the modernization and craziness that I found myself in. Chicago’s population surpassed Boston’s by a lot, but it was funny how I felt lost in that new city in front of me. Maybe I’d gotten used to Chicago so it didn’t seem that big anymore

And I thought I was ready for Boston

-Was Boston always this full?- I walked holding him tightly, afraid I could lose him in the crowd.

-Full of buildings and people? Yeah, it always was. Although before the war there used to be less cars, floor-length dresses and high hats- He pulled me in into a building, inside it was revealed a store as huge as Menken’s- Here it is, still open

The store was cream-colored with eccentric chandeliers around. I could see at least two floors. I never managed to bring Neil shopping with me before, so I might as well enjoy it.

I took a look around at different dresses. Something had gotten to me though. Look at the price of those dresses! I could buy at least ten dresses at Menken’s for the price of some of these!

If it was Lucille’s favorite store, at least before, then of course everything would be expensive. I swear I found a dress that was $300 (~$4300)! You could buy a new car nowadays with that kind of money. However, my expression remained calm. I looked at Neil sometimes but he didn’t even mention anything about the prices. I felt myself in the obligation to act like it was all normal to me

I remembered some conversations me and Neil had in the past: “Act like you’re entitled to the world”, “You positively grow with middle-class respectability”, “You’re not gonna wear sables and diamonds and be rude to the help, are you?”, “They’ll know you’re not one of them. But you’ll never notice when they’re looking down on you, that’s how people in high society treat people like you and Charlie”. I sighed in despair

-What is it? Nothing matches your photoplay dream?-He said sarcastically behind me and I noticed I had been staring at a dress for too long, lost in my own anxiety- I thought you said shopping lifted your spirits.

-Oh, nothing!-I looked at him- I was just thinking about the Ice Box that’s all, I was worried that-

-MC, I know you’re deeply infatuated with your illegal activities, but there’s nothing you can do from Boston

-I know- I let it go, it was just an excuse anyway. I was excited about the vacation and I couldn’t let the whole pressure just make me crumble. I had to prove to Neil that I was able to deal with whatever life threw my way. We were going to work this out together

-Say, why don’t you keep shopping? I’ll wait outside, all this glitter is hurting my eyes

-Alright, yea, I shouldn’t take long- I gave him a quick peck before he went out, I could see him grabbing a cigarette before turning my attention to the dresses

Alright, MC, you need to choose something classy enough but that won’t burn your pockets. Now, where do I find something that’s doesn’t cost more than $15 (~200)? I could spare that, it’s a special occasion.

Wishing I could have some gin in me right this second I went through the embarrassment of asking if they had anything around the price range I wanted. My luck was that there was a dress that was worth $100 (~1450) that was about to be thrown away because the zipper was broken. When I looked at the dress I didn’t understand why they’d throw it in the can.

It was beautiful. It was this pale pink color with a V-neck. The sleeved has the same gold details as the dress, but otherwise it was transparent. The details on the pale pink went down in waves until right below the knees. I smiled at it, it was perfect for the event of meeting Neil’s parents, and I’ve never worn anything like that.

I asked her if I could have it and she shrugged in a manner like she didn’t understand why I was even there. I couldn’t blame her, I didn’t know either. I got the dress for $20 (~280), it was more than I could at the moment, but I was just happy to have found something I could afford and still look ritzy in

Due to the extra money spent I couldn’t really go looking for shoes or accessories, but I wasn’t worried. What I had would work for this.

-Alright!- I caught Neil outside- I’m ready, first impressions are everything! Now I just need somewhere to put this stuff on!

Yes… Like the back of a rental car in a dark alley…

-It’s so convenient nowadays, you know, they started renting cars and everything right- I said huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf in the back seat getting my dress off and the new one on- So you can change in the middle of the road too

-I thought this way we could go places without having to use one of my family’s cars- Neil waited in the driver’s seat

-What’s wrong with your family’s cars, huh? Not ritzy enough for ya?-I put on the dress to realize it didn’t close in the back. Shoot! I forgot to ask what happened to the zipper. Think, think, think!

-It’s the contrary- Neil responded- If I remember well from back then, I always felt like I was in a circus truck, doubt they changed the way they do things- He seemed to hear me struggling- Do you need help back there?

-No! Nope! I am just fine- I said putting a pin on the zipper so this way it wasn’t broken anymore. It closed all the way up! The only thing was the pin showing a little bit on the top, which looked a little tacky, but with all the details in the dress it could be overlooked

-Let’s hurry then, I told them we should be there for lunch. With your little shopping going on, we’re late

-Sorry!- I put on my rhinestone tiara and went through my bag to find my golden pair of heels that matched the details on the dress, then I hurried up to the front seat- I’m ready, let’s scram!

Neil started to drive, I could feel him a little tense as he drove. I put on my hand on his leg squeezing it- Are you excited?

-When I left Boston I was twenty-four. I haven’t been back since

-Neil- I calmed my voice- They’ll be happy to see you, they’ll be thrilled. Especially Lucille, I really can’t wait to meet her. How old is she?

-We’re about ten years apart, she’s the youngest. So she should be about twenty-two right now. Damn…-He went quiet for a few seconds- When I left she was fourteen, now she’s a woman, married and is about to have a baby.

-Oh, little Cornelia- I smiled thinking about it

-Don’t remind me, I still feel for the kid

-Can it, Neil! It’s sweet. I can’t imagine how she must have felt when she got a letter in the mail from you

-I can’t believe I let you convince me to go through with this-He shook his head

-Hey, pal, I didn’t say anything! You wrote the letter to her yourself

Neil smiled, as if there was something in his thoughts he didn’t want to say out loud- I know.

We pulled up to a narrow street full of four stories apartments- I didn’t know they lived in a flat- I said, a little confused. I expected it-

-They’re not flats-Neil responded- They’re houses

My eyes widened looking again at the row of houses with my new perspective. It was pure Boston Brahmin. The houses were glued to one another, only separated by color, each of them were massive once I understood the four stories were for each family. Rows of fancy cars were parked in front of each designated house and U.S. flags stood in front of each one.

Neil parked in front of an elegant brick house, it was full of organized windows and one big wooden door stood right in the middle of the ground floor.

-Is this where you grew up?- I opened the car door on my side

-No, this is just the city house. I’d spend a lot of time here, but usually we’d be down by the estate

-Estate?- I turned to him, wondering if my ears heard right- Your family owns a estate?

-About 15 miles out of the city- He said like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I focused on my breathing not to let myself get too nervous. “Act like I’m entitled to the world” is what I kept playing in my head. I went around to meet Neil and then I noticed his look was distant

-Neil?-I shook him a little bit and he looked down at me, his face was not upset, but the usual mask wasn’t there either- What’s the matter?

He hesitated a little bit. Being back here must be hard. It’s still not easy for him to open up, so I appreciate it even more when he does- That house right there- he pointed. I looked back at the white magnificence across the road, just as beautiful as the one that belonged to Neil’s family. It had a black door instead of a wooden-colored one. No cars were in front of it, so it looked solemn, distant and different from the rest- It���s the Hasting house.

I looked back at him squeezing his hand- Alton…

-Yeah… Alton- He replied

I didn’t know what to say, I never knew what to say when Neil mentioned his past. But he said all he needed me to do was listen. I gave him a kiss on his cheek, hoping to comfort him. I was glad to see it got a smile out of him- Ready?

He breathed profoundly, turning his head back to the wooden door- Yes, I’m ready- He knocked on the door

----

It creaked as it opened, it was like seconds got transformed into hours. Once it was open a servant smiled. Some kind of butler? Gee, this is something else. However that only added to the moment. He positioned himself by the door, looking into an area in front of him I could only imagine it was the living room. He stuffed his chest like it was the most important thing he was going to say in his life to the ones who waited

-Cornelius Dresner is home

I nodded to Neil, letting him walk in first. He took his hat off as he walked, each step seemed to hold anticipation in them. I walked in right after, but staying away from him. I understood this was a precious moment, so my eyes turned to watch instead.

The silence was so expansive you could hear if cotton balls fell on the ground. When Neil stood there, a second set of steps started. My eyes turned to a very visibly pregnant woman, who could be due anytime soon. She had bright icy blue eyes, her blonde bob fell elegantly on her face. She had the posture of a porcelain doll and her face resembled Neil’s.

She stopped right in front of him looking up at his face, like she was examining every detail, her serious face was beautiful in that light. I assumed that was Lucille, the one who never gave up on him. They now held this very serious starting contest, I almost thought no one was going to say anything

-You got old- Her melodic voice let out and Neil burst into laughter at the same time she did. He hugged her carefully but tightly

-And you grew big, in more ways than one- He joked with her but then turned serious- Lucille, I’m sorry…

-Oh, forget that! You’re here now…

Others walked up to them, I counted them in my head and assumed mother, father, Maude and Warren. I let them have their moment. It was so intimate I stepped back not wanting to hear much. It was like Neil had gone off to a war, survived and now was home once more. In a way, that’s what had happened. Neil had won, or at least started to win, his internal battles and now he had made it back there. I smiled watching the scene. He didn’t reserve any smiles and his family seemed to be everything but mad at him. They relented.

I couldn’t help but think how proud I was of him

A few minutes passed, they started pulling him to the living room to “sit, relax and update them on everything that’s been going on”, then he looked at me and stopped them in their tracks

-Wait- He walked over to me and then looked at them. This was the first time they noticed I was there. I didn’t blame them, Neil had all their attention- This is Mary

The older woman, I’m assuming Neil’s mother walked over and I felt the chills down my spine. She had cold eyes but a warm face. You could watch her and feel that she was judging you and it made you wonder if she considered you worthy of her time. She was the image of classiness, the peak of the upper class. She was one of those wealthy people you see walking by and wonder how they must live. She walked like she had books piled up on top of her head. More charm than Vera Peters, that was for sure, but I felt bad that her aura reminded me of the former mayor’s wife. After all, I wanted to attribute her to someone nice

-Of course- She smiled- Miss Granger, right?

-That’s me! - I smiled- It’s a pleasure to meet you ma’am- I was going to say something about how beautiful her house are and introduce myself to the others, but she turned her eyes somewhere else

-Please collect their bags, you can put Neil’s in his room-She said to the servant- And Miss Granger’s bags can take to the spare room downstairs

-Mother- Neil interrupted her- I’d like Mary to stay in the guest room upstairs- He said in an imposing a tone. If there was a guest room upstairs, I got a weird feeling about her asking for me to sleep downstairs in what I could safely assume was an underground floor.

-Fine, yes. Take hers to one of the guest rooms- She said and the servant started moving according to orders

When I turned around, Lucille was walking up to me and Neil. She in turn had kinder eyes, and I could see them a little wet. The pregnancy probably added to the emotion of her beloved brother coming home

-Miss Granger, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My brother spoke highly of you in his letter- I didn’t know whether to pay attention to her eyes or the diamonds she wore

-He must have flattered me too much- I said shyly. She wasn’t much older than me, but she spoke clearly and no slangs were in sight

-I only speak the truth- He said behind me

-I’m sure- she replied- I understand it’s you I must thank for having him write me

-I may have pushed him a little bit- I squeezed his hand- But he made the decision on his own

Neil introduced me to rest of his family. His father seemed a tad quiet just like him, his other younger siblings greeted me well, and he reintroduced me to his mother who was next to talk again

-It’s so nice of you to wear something so simple to come see us. I did hope you felt at home- She mentioned I could feel my face getting hot- Why don’t we all sit down, there’s much to talk about!

I was more nervous now than when I first walked, but I didn’t want to let on everything was getting to me.

The living room was mainly white, so white it was like staring at snow in the sun. The couches were the most comfortable seat I had ever felt. In this place where comfort was displayed all around, I felt all the eyes and social pressure of high society that made me feel like it was the most uncomfortable place in the world. What calmed me was Neil sitting next to me and his hand on my waist.

-How’s life in Chicago?- Lucille asked- I tried asking Drummond when you wouldn’t reply but he always told me you weren’t working for him anymore

-Yes, I only worked with him for a few years- He continued, and I was sure he was going to give them the clean version of the story- Turns out we didn’t get along so well. I moved to this neighborhood where I met this man called Charles Granger. He in very involved with the city’s anti-saloon league and involved in the politics and he takes care of the neighborhood he lives in, it turns out they were in need of a doctor. So he offered me a job and I accepted, worked with him ever since. He helped me get settled, I do owe him a lot

-Well, we’ll be sure to send Mr. Granger our regards for taking care of you- His mom gave a forced smile. I’m sure she had questions but it was noticeable she was trying to be on Neil’s good side, afraid he might escape again

-So my life was settled there. A few years later he announced to me and his associates that his niece was coming from Ohio to live with him. She helps him out at work and that’s how we met, through Charlie

-And now you’re seeing each other- His mother continued

He smiled softly- MC and I are engaged, mother. I mentioned in the letters

-Oh yes, Lucille told us the news- Her tone seemed like… Disappointment? No, I’m just reading too much into it

I had to do something to break the ice- We were planning for it to happen in late April, early May, wait until the cold passes by

-Yes, it’s smart to wait a while-She smiled at me- A lot can happen in those months, things might end up different

I held my breath, I couldn’t pretend to be dumb to myself. She was definitely unhappy with Neil’s choice. For the first time I felt a sting in my chest. It wasn’t embarrassment or anxiety. It was… Insecurity. I usually never lacked confidence and I was sure that I could take everything and anyone. However, being on the receiving side of the looks from Neil’s mother made me feel like a pin in a haystack. Tiny and lost.

-We weren’t planning on waiting too long- Neil said. Even he acted different around his family, but his tone was firmer. I knew it was him sticking up for me in the ritziest way there was. So I appreciated in silence.

-I hope you don’t mind that we organized a ball for your return- She said excited, changing the subject- We invited the Hastings, the neighbors, just close people to spend the night with us

-Oh mother, you know I always loved the balls you gave- He said in a sarcastic tone but she ignored it, Lucille did giggle though

-Get up and get ready-She said- Do you need me to send the valet upstairs?

-No! No... I can manage myself- He said walking towards the stairs and taking me with him

She then spoke to me before we left- Oh dear, you’ll want to wear something a little bit more elegant for tonight

Once we were in the second floor I couldn’t help but look around. There was a piano room and then a corridor of doors, I assumed they were bedrooms. It seemed kind of oddly placed, surely nobody would like to sleep while the piano is being played right outside their doors. However, everything inside was so white the black piano was a welcoming contrast.

-So… I’m guessing balls are a normal thing in the upper class

-It’s traditional, not my thing if you ask me- He lowered his voice to say the last part

-I’d imagine not

I didn’t have much time to admire the guest room, even though I did notice that its grandiosity made it hard to imagine that it was a room that didn’t belong to anyone. I sat on the bed stressed, wondering how I was going to find something in my bag that would fit the expectations of Momma Dresner. The fanciest dress I could find didn’t impress her, and now I had to step up my game for an official “welcome home Neil” ball

In the middle of my mind’s perturbations, a knock on the door got my attention. When I opened the door, Lucille was standing there smiling

-Mrs. Branford!- I started

-Lucille is fine, if I can call you Mary

-MC- I stepped out of the way to let her in- What can I do for you?

-My mother, she is… Traditional- She sat on the loveseat by the window- I’m not going to lie. People like her, they are not easily impressed by… People like you

-People like me, you mean middle-class

She nodded- Yes, it’s in her ways. The Dresners, they come from very old money. Me, Neil and our siblings, we’re more used to the ways things are nowadays. But our mother never really spent much time with people who didn’t have as much money as she did. So she always looks down on them- She looked back at me- And she always expected Neil to marry an indoor, wealthy girl if you know what I mean

I must’ve made a face, because the look of sympathy rested on her eyes- She doesn’t think I’m worthy of Neil

-Yes, MC, but you must understand it’s old thinking. She thinks that solely based on money. Besides, it’s a little tougher on Neil because he is the oldest of us. That makes him have to marry the perfect woman in her eyes.

I looked at her- The oldest… So…

-Neil is the heir of our estate. Of our parents fortune.

My eyes went wide. It must’ve been obvious, but I just realized that- I never thought of it that way.

-Listen, MC. When Neil left Boston, after Alton passed away… He was not just unhappy. He was lost, his eyes were haunted. He was cold and it seemed like all life from him was just gone. He had this hard edge, and he estranged himself from all of us- She looked at nothing, but I could see pain in her eyes- When he came back from France I convinced myself I would never see the Neil I use to know before the war again, I knew some of his troubles. Then a few years after he left I started to convince myself I’d never see him again- She turned her eyes to me- And then a few months after knowing you he writes back, and then he comes home. On top of it, although there’s still a hard edge on him, I can see it in his eyes that you make him happy. I can see the old Neil in him. That’s why I know you’re more than worthy to be with my brother, you brought him back from the darkness he lived in

Wow. I was so caught up in what she said. It was nice knowing she was on my side- Lucille, I didn’t really do much… I

-No humbleness. Just take some credit for it. I can see you care for him very much

I nodded exaggeratedly- I love Neil.

-And you can see it in his eyes he loves you-She got up this time, going to a dresser in the room- My brother will be happy with you, and I’m so excited to have you as my new sister. However, convincing my parents require a different approach- She pulled out a dress. A beautiful and obviously expensive dress

It was a salmon color, a soft V-neck that was more of an U and graceful short sleeves. While the looseness of the dress was there, it’d flatter whoever’s waist it was on with a slight inward curve, going down in a soft A-line. The dress ended right below the knees. The pattern on it was two colors. One the color of the dress, only visible if you really paid attention to it, the other was white and in the shape of leaves, like a garden going around and forming a heart around the chest area, small flower-like drawings of the same color elegantly finished the dress.

-Oh Lucille, it’s beautiful, but I couldn’t-

-Yes, you can. It doesn’t fit me anymore and it’d help you impress everybody, plus I’m sure Neil would love to see you in it. C’mon, put it on

I hesitantly did so, and once I saw myself in the mirror with it, it made it a lot easier to accept it. I loved it- Thank you, Lucille

-We’re not done. It’s not just the dress- She said pulling some accessories out. First she fixed my curls, like she watched people doing hers enough times to know how. Then she placed a white headband on my head. It had a details on the side, I didn’t dare ask if they were diamonds or something else. A pearl necklace was put around my neck, I asked myself if they were real pearls. Lastly she brought in beautiful heels. They were white as well, clasped in the middle of my feet, and closed in a salmon bow.

When I finished putting them on I looked myself in the mirror again. Oh boy, Momma would pass out if she saw me like this. Poppa would finally consider me his pride. I was all dolled-up. That sensation that I was an imposter grew in me, but then I was only human. I felt confident again- What do you think? - I asked her

-I think you’re ready to face them. Now, I have to go get dressed myself

-For sure, yes- I smiled to her- Thank you Lucille, really

-You brought my brother home back to us… It’s the least I could’ve done- She hugged me tight- Remind me to properly introduce you to Michael at the ball

I agreed laughing lowly and feeling a lot better

A little while after I heard another knock on my door, when I opened it, I was more than happy to see it was Neil. He seemed surprised at my get-up at first, then he smiled

-I see you’ve had some help

-Well, your sister came in and-

-You look beautiful- he offered me his hand and I took it. I was going to say something smart, but the look in his eyes was so sincere I didn’t want to ruin the moment

-Thanks- I said instead- Did everyone already leave?

-Well, lucky for me, I’m the reason of this party- He said it in a sarcastic tone- So I get to come in late and be the center of attention, I’m hoping their curiosity about you takes some of it away from me.

-Neil Dresner is back home, and he brought a low-class girl with him and he’s saying he’s gonna marry her?-I raised my voice to sound like upper-crust gossip- My oh my, Doctor Dresner, quite a scandal

He gave me that warm smile that went all the way up to his eyes. The one that always makes me feel the jitters in a good way

However I wasn’t done- They’ll probably think you’ve gone crazy and send you to a psych ward or think you’ve knocked me up and now you’re stuck with me- I pretended to hold a fan imitating the rich older women- Disgraceful, truly disgraceful

This time he let out a laugh, a harsh laugh, but a long one that sounded like melody to me. For a second I thought he wouldn’t stop laughing, and then I started up laughing too. We walked all the way to the car like that

-People will think I’ve gone soft if I spend too much time with you- He said

-You agreed to spend the rest of your life with me. You’ll be the biggest softie the United States has ever seen

He let out a harsh chuckle this time, as if he told me he wouldn’t ever let that happen. Then the servant from before opened the back door of a fancy car, it had a long hood and it was half black and half white, a wheel sat on its side. I could also see a chauffeur in the front

-Wow, you’re getting the whole ritzy treatment today- I said getting into the car and we were on our way

-You get used to this kind of stuff- He mentioned and then turned to me- You will…- Before I could ask what he meant, he kept going- You know, during these balls we were required to attend, me and Alton would usually spend the entire time together. He didn’t use to be a fan of it either. Having him there… It always made it feel better, it always made it fun somehow- Then he turned to look at me- Having you there, it’s going to make it feel better

I smiled, filled with emotion, but I had to say something- You’re definitely turning soft on me

He rolled his eyes-I should’ve known better than being nice with you, Granger

Our verbal sparring continued until we stopped in front of a big house, the doors were open to reveal a ball room at the bottom of the stairs. I’ve done this before. They’ll announce us and we’ll go down and I’ll act like I’m entitled to the world

So we did just that. The servant opened the car door and Neil took my hand to help me out of the car. Then, I took his arm and we walked in to the top of the stars. People there looked at Neil like he was a rare diamond, like the king of England just walked in. I could feel his tenseness with the looks, but the preparedness for it in his eyes, he whispered to the announcer and then held my arm tighter

-Mr. Cornelius Dresner of Boston and his fiancée Miss Granger

-C’mon- I said lowly and he followed, so we both went down the stairs.

At the bottom of it his family came over again, and soon I could see people looking and gossiping. It was a good hour of walking around and talking to his family and everyone Neil once used to know and introducing me. I felt like I was in one of those old periods of time when the upper crust used to announce engagements.

After a while I was talking to Lucille while Neil talked to some of the other men. Then she looked behind me and got closer to whisper something- Look, Momma just took Neil to talk to Lillie and left them alone

I looked around feeling my heart jump, at first I felt was surprised. I remember who Lillie was, Lucille’s best friend and… Neil’s ex-fiancée. I remember feeling pity for her because Neil left her, but the pangs of jealousy struck me once I saw her.

She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, for the second time that day I felt insecurity, but this made me feel much tinier. Because I knew Neil’s mother approved of her, because she was part of the high society and she grew up in it. Her pale skin, her green eyes, her dark smooth hair. She was tall and charming, she was the figure of elegancy. I also knew Neil found her attractive, that he was romantically involved with her once. If he used to love her, how can I be sure all those feelings are gone? No… It’s just the atmosphere and everything, it’s just all throwing me off.

I must’ve been so shaken up I felt paralyzed. Lucille shook me- Hey… Hey! They walked outside. We can spy on them from over in that room- She said pulling me along, I wasn’t even paying attention until I was already there. It was a dark room, looked like an office? Lucille brought us to a window, the drapes were almost closed so you couldn’t see us, but we could spy on them

-I have missed you, Neil- She looked up to him, and her eyes were shining. I knew what that look was… She was still in love with him- I haven’t courted anyone else- She showed him her hand- I’m still wearing the ring you picked out for me.

-I didn’t really pick it out, Lillie it was…

-Yeah, your grandmother’s. You told me remember? You got it when you were fourteen. It was to keep it to the woman you loved the most, to the woman you wished to spend the rest of your life with, whom you’ll always love and that woman shall always love you- She held his hands this time and I felt my stomach sink- You told me that you would always love me if I always loved you back-She got closer to him, this time placing her hand on his face- Here I am, still loving you. Can you say everything was washed away?

He took a few steps back, his confusion could be seen on his face. I wondered what he had to be confused about- Nothing is ever just washed away, Lillie. You of all people should know that.

My heart hurt, what did he mean by that, did he mean his feelings for her were still there?

She smiled softly-Neil… You never gave me closure. You never ended our engagement. One day you were just gone. People kept telling me that you were gone for good-She looked away at the stars, it was a well moonlit light. It was perfectly romantic, but that didn’t fit me one bit in that moment. I hated the romanticism of the stars and the shine that it gave on her face. I hated that it made her look more beautiful- But me and Lucille we knew you’d come back to us. That you’d come back to me. And you were so troubled when you left…

-Lillie…-He looked at the stars now too- I’m sorry for what I’ve done in the past. There’s a lot of stuff I’ve done that I can’t fix and I have to live with it. But I got a second chance to make things better. I’m not the same man who proposed to you back then

-Then how is it I look in your eyes and I see him? I see my Neil

I don’t know if I was feeling anger, sadness or disbelief. It could’ve been all of those together. Lillie knows Neil is engaged to me, she must know, we were announced together. You’d think she’d have some respect

-You see what you want to see, Lillie. You think you love me but you don’t

-I went after you! I went to Chicago-He looked at her with interest, she was caught up in her emotions, crying now- Mr. Drummond told me how you were troubled, lost in… Morphine, was it? I looked for you all around the city, and I couldn’t find you. I’m fighting for you Neil. I can’t give up on us

He breathed funny- Lillie-

Before he could say anything else she hugged him, and he hugged her back for my surprise. When was it that Neil hugged any girl like that?

-Seemed you two form quite the spies- A voice behind us said- Me and Lillie jumped. It was Neil’s mother, and she seemed satisfied from what she saw outside, seeing as she was the facilitator in the situation- You see, Miss Granger. Neil belongs back here, in Boston. And you belong is whatever infested middle-class house you came from with your people. You will never be worthy of my son, and of course it only took the right girl to pull him back into his senses.

-Mother…!- Lucille started

-I’ve had enough of it, Lucille! The little gal needs to know her place. Did you think you could ever make your way into OUR family?

I didn’t say anything. This was so far away from my reality at the Ice Box, my family or everything that I’d ever done before. I couldn’t… I can’t handle this.

-I have to go- It was the only thing I could say before flying out of there. I got back in the car asking for the driver to take me back to the town house, once I was in I couldn’t stop my racing thoughts until I was in the guest room, packing my bags.

But then I stopped. Neil�� I can’t just leave him like this. I was so mad at him, I was so mad at all of this, I… I want to go back to Chicago. I looked in the mirror again, all dressed up in fancy things, this isn’t who I am. I surprised myself by ripping it all out of me, putting on my favorite green dress and hat, the ones I wore all the time. Once I was back in clothes that made me recognize myself I swore I’d never again try to be somebody I wasn’t. C’mon MC, you always knew you didn’t have to prove anything to anybody.

But I let my stupid wandering thoughts continue. Neil knelt down in front of Lillie once and asked her to marry him. He asked her to marry him, not me. She had a ring on her finger, not me.

I don’t know how much time had passed by when I heard people in the house.

-MC!- I heard Neil’s voice from downstairs- MC!- He didn’t knock on my door, just walked in- Lucille, she told me you listened to me and Lillie talk

-Yeah, I heard it, alright

-I…-He was going to say something when he saw the bag I started to pack, then he looked at me, visibly mad- You were leaving? Without me?

-No! Not without you. I was gonna wait for you- I walked until him- Let’s go back to Chicago

-We’ve only been here a day

-I can’t be here anymore, Neil. Please, let’s leave

-I haven’t been back in years. You convince me to write to my sister, convince me to come over here, we’re here less than 24 hours and you want me to leave? I just got the courage to be here

-Neil, today has been the most stressful day of my life! I have been dressing up like a paper doll, I have been trying to impress your mother and all I’ve been hearing is how much I’m not worthy, how I won’t fit in, how I’m way in over my head! I have been feeling nothing but insecure, down and I’ve been trying to do everything for you, but I can’t- I was rambling on and tears had begun falling from my eyes, but I didn’t even care- I’ve been keeping a stone face all day trying to make you happy because I know this is huge, but it’s tiring! It’s tiring feeling so out of place, and then hearing your mother say all those things, and then I walked out there to the ball and you go in a secluded area with your beautiful ex-fiancée to exchange words of love under the moonlight?!

-I didn’t say any words of love!- He raised his voice, more than I’ve ever heard him raise it before- I was feeling bad for Lillie, I left her and never came back after promising her a married life! I gave her time because I was trying to fix what I did wrong in the past, with everyone!

I didn’t know what to say or think- Neil, let’s just please, go!

-Yes, I think it’s time you went back to Chicago, if you’re going to behave like this the whole trip you should go!

I looked back at him wide-eyed- You don’t mean…!

-I thought I saw a woman, MC. But how could I, you’re nineteen! I’m thirty-two. You’re the same kid I saw the first night you came to Chicago.

I looked right at him as I wiped my tears off my face, then I grabbed my bag I had packed. Neil called Lillie a ghost back in Chicago, but he was wrong. Lillie wasn’t a ghost, nothing back in Boston or his past life had anything to go with ghosts, ghosts terrify you, but he seemed just fine where he was. Maybe this is where Neil belongs after all. But it’s sure not where I belong.

That night for me was the true ghostly aura. A memory that’d haunt me forever. I left Boston, alone, under the beautiful moonlight that would have enchanted me otherwise. I left with only one certainty: I’ll be dead before somebody ever mentions the name Neil Dresner to me ever again!

1933

-Alright, ready?- I asked and the kids all agreed. Neil wasn’t one to make a big deal out of his birthday, but after a few ones together he knew there was no point in fighting against it. I’d always want it to make it a special day, so we settled on a cake and some candles. Just me, him and the kids- One, two, three!

The kids along with me started our little choir, for that man that was so special to all of us- Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear daddy! Happy birthday to you!

-Do we really need to do this every year?-He asked, cynically, but with a little smile on his face

-Alright, mister doom and gloom! We have this discussion every year!- I kissed him in the cheek

We all had our piece of cake. After putting the kids to bed, I walked outside, the moon was shining in the sky and it was a cold January night. Neil soon joined me- One more year close to death- He said raising his glass, then proceeding to drink the bourbon inside it

-You always know how to lighten up the mood-I pulled him in for a hug and along with it a long kiss

-You’re something else, MC, you know that?

-I’ve been told-I smiled up to him, mischievously

-You can never have any idea of how much I love you- He played with my hair, moving it out of my face

-I have some

He chuckled very softly, almost inaudibly- I just ask one thing of you, MC Granger… Never change who you are

----

Little curiosities: DRAAAAAMA. I thought they deserved a little fight and angst. Well, next chapter we’ll be back in Chicago and it’s time for the Ice Box to shine again! Woo Woo, Prohibition stuuuff!

Thanks so much for reading this chapter, guys! Hope you enjoyed it!

Chapter 4 is already on its way!

-Candy, My Dear Diary (5/24/2020)

[thruhell-archive-blog]

slides in...

so my activity is gonna be a little wonky for several weeks i think? my bf and i FINALLY found a place for us to move into. its a back room from someone that has its own separate entrance, kitchen, and bath???? its perfect. but we’ve been staying at each other’s houses for several weeks at a time and its getting annoying af lmao. anyways well!! we’re deciding between three places rn. and they want us in as soon as possible like beginning of may? so i have to start kind of going thru my shit and its v v v exciting but im also vv v  v v nervous to finally be moving away from my mom ////:

its in a different area so i have to look into transferring colleges once this semester is over n getting a job over there. also?? the house is behind my HS ex’s and idc, i hope he can see how happy and glowing i am w my new little family aka my bf and our dog. nah fr tho imma be chill n avoid as much as possible tbh....its a bomb ass place for how $$$$ cali can be and i wont let his ugly ass keep me from moving in lmao. im gonna be an hour away from disneyland tho. kinda wanna cry about that considering im 15 minutes away rn. ): sigh. its just too expensive down here in the OC

FUCK I GOT OFF TRACKL JEUDFjF

i have the ariana concert on may 10th and im going out of town from may 24th-may 28th/29th bc my baby cousin is graduating high school and u can bet ur ass im road tripping it to see her graduate!! and then the beginning of june marks the beginning of my bday festivities. its my 21st n i wish i could say i was going to go get white girl wasted but im going to a pro overwatch game and hitting up bars in downtown disney for two weekends in a row bc i have a monday birthday. BITCH~!!!!!! with what luck!!!!!! DOES MY 21ST LAND ON A FUCKING MONDAY

AND I HAVE TO FINISH the semester which doesn’t end until the end of may. so im kinda overloaded rn but im gonna be trying my best! im sorry for rambling im so excited n also anxious ns fndsjkgbdjksgbrjk 

[theconfessionsofanoverthinker]

My boyfriend pt 1

Wow, how do I want to start? I want to really get into it so I can have fresh vivid images and feelings and true thoughts and re-encounter how amazing it really was. Oh my gosh I can’t even fully describe what’s going on. I love this kid, I really do have love for him already. I’m going to do my best. Okay do I’ll come back in pt 2 with actual dates and stuff but I’ll jump right into the beginning. I had recently cut off this crazy ass guy that I met on Tinder and I’m like ok fuck it let’s try this again. I was getting so bored I swear tinder was soo ugly I couldn’t even hold conversations with half of those guys. And then I came across Charlie, ugh he was just so adorable. The obvious caught my eye, nice cars, nice eyes, nice hair, nice clothes. And WEED. And he was 21? How could I ask for more? And I had literally fallen for him by the time we matched, I think I waited maybe a day or less before I just shot my shot. I said “sheeeesh” with a few heart eye emojis and he said something like “Look at you”, and I just died. Was it too good to be true already? What was the catch? Fake acc??? Dude I don’t even know, but I was quick to gtfo of Tinder and asked for his snapchat, which went well. He sent me a selfie at one point when talking and all was fine, I really wanted to hang out with him because I suck at replying and I didn’t want to lose this chance and fuck it up by having out convo go dead. I had already told so many people about him too it was so crazy I was really getting my hope up for this guy. I mentioned him to my coworker Christiane, my siblings, Dora! And here I am, dating him??? He’s my man, my boyfriend, he’s mine. But it was a little challenging at first, I wanted to meet up on the weekend but he’s 21 so he was out doing 21 things w his friends of course. He went to ugly ass Darna and the MGM both places I can’t go to smh. Anyways, he’s definitely flirting with me as we’re talking, and I just kept mentioning that we should hang out. I asked him to come over and he actually said yes ?? oh bruh, he pulled up and was v cute. He was wearing a black shirt and jeans, I was wearing a long sleeve t shirt and shorts since we were just cooling it at my house I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard. I was actually so shook like omg, I went and told my mom that I was having a friend over and then yeah ((((: She was iffy of course, and one of the first things he said was that my room was “comfy” and it’s funny just last night he mentioned that he was relieved that I didn’t smell like basic bitch. Which is basically like VS but I’m on the other boat of basic at Bath and Body works lmaooo, he’ll find out later though. It’s funny because I do want to get into nicer perfumes anyways, so it’s good timing. Continuing, we were drinking Patron as our first drink omg. Only a few shots and they were half shots because he was driving far back home and he had gone to a bar beforehand. It’s crazy because we totally vibed together and I knew we both felt it, like we were feeling each other but at the same time I we could’ve been cool ass friends. And I’m glad that we have a bff feeling relationship, like that’s my mf boyfriend but that my mf mans too. He literally gives me diarrhea of the mouth, and as someone that can never stop talking it’s crazy to think that I could talk anymore than I already do without not being able to breath between words. At the same time my mind gets jumbled up and I lose my train of thought and I don’t know what to say. Some things just jump out and others just take so long to formulate and I second guess it but even when I cross reference stories and get lost Charlie always reminds me what the whole point of the conversation was. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Good luck Charlie, Charlie and Lola? Charlie is literally so gorgeous, even though he might be wearing colored contacts lmfaoo. And it’s funny bc this other hoe ik wears them so I subtweeted and I wonder if he thinks it’s about him. I love him for appreciating my little butt and my little boobs. See how I keep getting distracted, I can’t even tell our story bc he’s so great and all his little details excite me a lot. Ok so we hung out and he didn’t even kiss me or try to do much but he did flirt with me I think? I couldn’t even tell if he was being friendly or not.  The next time we hung out we drank again, and same thing. It was nice we cooled it but nothing big. As soon as he asked for my number though, I KNEW he was fucking w me. And then I think that it was the 3rd time I copped us coke, and it honestly sucks that my memory is so hazy. Especially with someone that I care about so much and such significant moments, I wish I could remember everything. I wish I could relive it and remember. That’s why this blog is so important to me, I need to remember the good because it seems that only bad and traumatic moments stick to me and cling to my mind. I remember being on my couch and just leaned over and he kissed me and I just exploded. I wish I could remember what I was wearing, what show was on the TV, what time and day it was. I’ll investigate but there’s only so much information I can gather. I don’t want him to know that my mind is burnt as much as it is, I don’t want Charlie to think that something’s wrong with me. And looking back at out 1 month of talking and me falling for him, all I do is talk and talk and I probably seem mildly crazy and self centered. This is not my world, and these people aren’t just living in it. I don’t even know much about him, he’s gonna come over today and I’m going to just ask him everything and stfu. I wish I wasn’t so me, me, me all the fucking time. It’s probably so noticeable and ugly. My fucking baby. I am SO happy he is mine like wow I want him to feel appreciated. I want him to feel good, and I want him to be so happy to be with me and say I’m his girlfriend too. UGH I just missed a good writing opportunity just now while Kukuwa went to lunch. I have a new motivation and yeah it’s to look good for myself but it’s also to look good for my boyfriend, I can only wear so much make up and jewelry. My true looks, frizzy hair, fat stomach, and flat ass will always peek out no matter how I dress it up. I need to work on it, I can’t be out with a cute ass guy like him and not look like a bad ass bitch. So far we’ve been to the movies together, and the fair. But those are separate stories, and this will literally go on forever and ever. I wanted to write every detail I could possibly remember, and I can’t wait to add things to our scrapbook, it’s going to be so lit. He’s motivated me to stay more financially stable so that I can sustain us both, so we can have fun and can continuously have a nice time. I want to go everywhere, I want to go on trips and go see the world and have real adventures with my love. Fall is coming up and we’re going to do the whole sha-bang, I want to go to the pumpkin patch, horror fest at Kings Dominion, I want to dress up as something doesn’t have to match or anything. I want to take corny ass photos, and I REALLY want to carve pumpkins. I want to be able to get naked and let you love me, to embrace me and to kiss me everywhere. I want to be able to feel good and confident in front of my boyfriend. I recently got some new products hopefully they can help with the new scars bumps and the old scars, I feel like it’s going to take forever but I hope it’ll go quick. I need to start taking my vitamins and just take care of myself in general. Going back to Charlie instead of going on and on about my pointless and selfish insecurities, as soon as we kissed I felt myself melt into my underwear. I Felt myself wanting more and more, wanting to just grab him and love him everywhere. Literally the night that I discovered the song “Sleepwalk” by Santo and Johnny was right after we just had our first kiss and the riff at the first 7 seconds of the song just climaxes the same slow and tender way that these feelings hug my insides and gently squeezes my heart with small pools and waves of care and affection. I’m sure there’s a better way to organize those thoughts and feelings but I want it to be true and raw. He is just so pretty, Charlie is soo pretty to me I don’t know what to do. We had an unspoken trust where we gave each other everything. Sometimes I want to rip his face off because hes just so mesmerizing to me. It would super duper suck if he has brown eyes he’d look fine of course but the bragging rights that I have a boo w hazel eyes is veryyy high for me. He told me that he’d be having a oc for a whole week and that I’m invited of course, we’ll see how that goes. I’m not going to lie but the fact that I haven’t met his mom makes me nervous and hurt. What if she doesn’t like me or doesn’t approve of me, and we’re already dating as boyfriend and girlfriend? I really do think that it matters and I almost jokingly met her last night but I didn’t like my outfit enough for a first impression and I honestly do think it matter so much dude. This is the first and last image she’ll see of me until the next time I’d see her and who knows how long that’ll be. Not only that im trying to get hit from the back soooo bad omg I miss back shots so bad but I feel like we can’t catch the same rhythm. It sucks because the one time we did it was the first time we had sex in his little side room in his basement. And DUDE I’m lowkey embarrassed I did this weak ass little roll on his dick. I think our sex is really good, but it could be better. I haven’t cheated on him and I can feel that my pussy is tight and I can tell that he feels it too.   

8/28/2019