#wish i could remember which book it was
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nothing I love more in a secondhand book than a note written to someone in the cover
#just opened a copy of decline and fall by evelyn waugh that i got at a secondhand place over christmas#and inside is a note in black ink that says#''merry reading mom -shaun '92''#like i hope she enjoyed it#i hope it's what she wanted for christmas#i wonder if shauns still around#i wonder if his mom is#best writing i ever found in a book was in the back of one#where some kid wrote his name 3 times in different coloured metallic sharpie#like you just know that kid had to read the book for school and opened a fresh pack of sharpies#and wanted to see what they looked like and didn't give a shit about the book lol#wish i could remember which book it was#i have books from my great grandmother's collection#she had a stamp with her name that she put in every one#i wonder if someone will pick these books up at a secondhand store after i'm gone#and wonder who harley was#ooh i forgot i also have that copy of dr jekyll my dad stole from his high school library#that has his name written in it in pencil along with the names of like 3 other students with the year written next to each one#and on the opposite page the name of the high school that gave it to his high school#it's my favourite kind of history sorry i'm getting really into this
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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personally I don't believe afo will ever be truly forgotten. he was recorded in two major fights and ended a prominent heros career. while he may not be as well known as tomura is, his presence will still linger throughout history. a lot of what he did and who he was as a person will be forgotten however. his role in tomura's rise to villainy and his love/obssession for yoichi won't be remembered.
I think some people in the far distant future years from now will find him intriguing to talk about. there will probably be some niche forums dedicated to speculating about his origins and who he was as a person since he's such an enigma. maybe some former afo minions would have set up memorials for him and write about him online and those people in the future interested in him read through those to get more of an idea of who he was. he'll always have fans in the deep corners of the web.
is that how he wanted to be remembered? no. but dying with his brother and being remembered centuries later by some villain enthusiasts is a far more merciful end than he deserved.
#anyways maybe some of you disagree but that's how I imagine afo's legacy to be#perhaps someone could become inspired by him but idk 🤧#maybe ujiko could make his own book about afo in prison haha#the tale of the demon king#I wish the origins of the shigabros would've been known by others and remembered but alas#all that knowledge lived and died with them which makes me sad#all for one
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ROZZZAAAAAA
my (not so) secret (not so) tory crush of 2 years
#oughhhhh#he waved at my mum lol#it was so good actually#i’ve watched so many of his talks and interviews on youtube for so long#and then i saw it live#i wish i could remember everything he said#but the passion and humour that imbues everything his does was present as ever#i hate that im such a rory dick rider#but he was so good#and HOTTT ‼️‼️‼️#also saw his wife and kids during the intermission 💀💀💀💀💀#second time seeing andrew walter live? too? which was funny#really interesting and it felt like he covered so much but also on scratched the surface#need to get back into trip#and finish his book lawl#this past year has gone by so fast#i stopped paying a lot of attention to rory when his book came out bc he was just everywhere and it was too much#after over a year now i feel safe enough to come back hehe#rory stewart#🦔
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#omfg i feel so completely melodramatic for typing this out rn but i have so many feelings and i need to get them out!!! DX#anyways so since just before the sunshine court came out i have yet again gone down an aftg rabbit hole#and what im here to specifically cry about is kevin#when i first read aftg my opinions on the characters were so different to what they were now#i cant completely remember how i felt about kevin. part of me thinks i felt that he was treated way too harshly by the others considering#the trauma he went through but part of me thinks maybe? i didnt care too much for him back then because i was taking the book at face value#and just going with how neil viewed him which is that hes The Best at exy but sort of annoying and harsh and needs to stick for himself more#idk idk but as of recent ive just been having a lot of emotions thinking about him. and especially wymack and him.#like he was just robbed of so much. and hes honestly so brave despite what people may think? hes soso flawed but thats what makes me love#him even more. he's just trying. so hard. to undo everything thats been engrained in him. and i just wanna cry and cry and cry!!!#because hes come so far! and hes amazing. and i wish i could properly express everything thats running through my mind rn but thats all i#got. back to reading fic centering kevin and wymack now 😭#le text post
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youtube
Zero Day Director commentary - With actor Andre Keuck
#movies#film#cinema#Damn I wish Cal was here#Andre and Ben are really interesting to listen to#This movie is one of those movies where it needs like 3 commentaries#It needs one with just Ben Coccio by himself#then one with Cal and Andre by themselves#then another with all 3 of them#Not all movies do that but I love when studios/filmmakers have multiple commentaries to create a sense of thorough intimacy#due to the nature of how commentaries are set up they can be quite restrictive/pressing/limited with no pauses or rewinds.#so I find cast/crew don't have enough time or able to present how they would like to if they could edit/rewind or pause for fluent presenta#So I love when they have director commentaries and actor commentaries or composer commentaries#Platoon's dvd extras are so dope they got multiple commentaries and one with military adviser Dale Dye who was a RL vietnam vet#Or Hostel's commentaries where one is just Eli Roth and another is Tarantino and Eli Roth with Scott Spiegal#idk if Zero Day ever got a blu-ray release but I think it should but the DV technology of the camera is kinda at it's limit of resolution#but an AI upscaling with 20 years later retrospective with Ben Cal and Andre would be sooo dope along with updated commentaries#Every few years I always rewatch Zero Day so that time has come that last few days lol#Ever since Columbine as a lil kid I have always been into spree-murders and active shooter incidents#I remember reading a peer-reviewed paper called Pseudo-Commandos#And Eric and Dylan and Andre and Cal would be dubbed Pseudo-Commandos where they dress up in a semi-military fashion#and have a delusion of superiority mixed with perceived sense of persecution whether it's true or not#it went into the Postal shooter from the 80s as well and what he went through along#plus I read another book called Going Postal which also went into postal shootings along with school shootings#I want to make a film about spree murders or an active shooter/s but I remember just getting so tired of the subject matter#because every 3 weeks there was some new shooter in the headlines and I found myself not wanting to be exploitative#When I write/direct my film I'd like it to address and study the character of such an individual but not try to be too political#or exploitative and focus on the ambiguities that are left behind when someone does this#as a society I noticed we stopped asking the questions on why and stopped having constructive conversations#it feels like as a coping mechanism we've started treating them like tornados or natural disasters
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I need to study for Comparative Government and maybe read a summary of Fight Club* but instead I am scrolling through TMA fanart and planning a concert trip for tomorrow.
*Fight Club, because while I've read Hamlet a million times and I've read a lot of other literature recently, FC is the thing that I've spent the most time analyzing and remember character names well enough in to use it on the AP Lit exam. I have been told it counts as A Work Of Literary Merit by my very conservative AP Lit teacher, so she better be right.
#like could i write a timed writing on hamlet? absolutely. would i have more fun and be more motivated to if it was fight club? yeah.#see in my opinion if i can use FC for lit I should be able to use Invisible Monsters which I am even more comfortable with and#enthusiastic about but oh well i will not push my luck. i may also read a summary of the haunting of hill house because i read that#pretty recently and it may benefit me to have more traditional lit up my sleeve. i meant to reread the great gatsby before the exam but#alas time is hard. I don’t know like i've read a good bit of lit recently but... some of it i don't remember that well and some of it i#just don't want to write an analysis for or like...i would if i had the book on hand but fight club and its themes are like...#fundamentally carved into my brain. ANYWAY i should go read that summary now and maybe some others#wish me luck on ap lit that's the only ap exam i have this year where i like NEED to get a 5 for my own sanity#cogo... i should study for like urgently but... senioritis or whatever. sorry mr [redacted].#dante dicit#ap exams
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tomorrow my enemy comes back to fencing AND i’m giving my copy of my translated little prince to coach cause it’s his birthday on sunday. should be fun if both of these don’t come back to bite me in the ass or however the saying goes
#i hate that she’s coming back but ill try to not get her on my nerves#phewww and remember my priorities: to get as good as i can in fencing#and i hope he’s not mad that i’m insisting on giving sth for his birthday. it literally cost me nothinn and i hope he likes it#and my enemy is bringing a FRIEND ugh i hope she’s normaler#also enemy as in i completely dont like her and i wish she did sth else instead of fencing#and not in a fencihg way enemy. shes not even fencing so#she literally could do anything else but nooo she has to come back. she doesnt even like fencing ugh#but whatever let it go let it flow sigh#rn trying my handwriting in which to say ‘to (name)’ and i cant make up my mind#initially i wanted to write something more as well but i have no ideas for sth that lasts forever#i mean it’s a physical book
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hey Kelsey!! I’m just catching up on the Californian motel series that u sent over and I’m currently reading the chapter “feel the void”
wow. what a heavy chapter,, i read the words ‘call izzy’ and SOBBED this is the last thing i was expecting but as always your writing is so beautiful and so respectful - hope your okay and cannot wait for when you release your book!
#submission#replying in tags because it’s a submission but —#that was such a terrible chapter to write lol! i scrolled through it briefly and i remember sitting in the kitchen of my college apartment#& i had the place to myself for the weekend so i cranked out this and the chapter before it#and i remember specifically with feel the void - i was like sweating while writing it#it was very intense! even for me! because it was a scene i would’ve been envisioning for like 3 years at that point#and the book was so drastically different from what i envisioned when i developed this plot (which was actually before i even wrote RQ) but#the scene was still something like what i’d always pictured even if it was so dark and nauseating#i did try my best to be careful and respectful and not graphic however!! i always felt like letting implications do the heavy lifting for#this sort of stuff was always the way to go#so glad you’re enjoying it & apologies in advance for the misery fest of king nothing#sorry that i left it on such a terrible note#i sometimes wish i could go back to it but i don’t think i could do it on good conscious anymore#or bc of how my writing has developed#also i’m doing well!! just busy and trying to push suicide blonde into something publishable <3#thanks for your support !! 🩶#✉︎ — confessions.#save
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sometimes i miss how i engaged with my interests before i started being more online, there was a purity and authenticity to it
#it got destroyed unfortunately so I can't post pictures but when i was obsessed with the Jonas Brothers from age 11-14#i had a scrap book in a composition book of pictures of them I'd cut out from magazines and I'd write stupid things#at no point was i influenced by people other than some irl friends who shared in and fueled my obsession#i didn't give a fuck about other people opinions or discourse#i just vibed by myself and did t care if people thought I was weird or a freak#which. a lot of people teased and picked on me for my weirdness.. and unfortunately it's tainted how i interact with interests now#I don't let people see or know what i like or am into. bc I remember the teasing and mocking#and part of me is like 'no kill that part that learned to cringe#bc even tho I literally do not gaf about the Jonas brothers nowadays#I can't deny how pure and authentic my passion was#I'm really sad that journal got ruined and i had to throw it away bc it was so cool actually#i wish I could tell my 13 y/o self how cool their 28 y/o self thinks they are#fuckin hurricanes.. ruin everything
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Anyone else have beef with random historical figures for no good reason. Had to make a presentation about Augustine of Hippo once for a shitty college class but I hated the book we were learning from (see tags) so I associated the two together and now everytime I see his name I furrow my eyebrows and say "Augustine..." like he's my nemesis
#see tags: i hated the book because it wasnt actually a history it was like. a motivational book? but by an author that clearly assumed#that the reader would both 1) be christian and 2) trying to stand out and be an exceptional leader individual#i and my friends were neither of these things tbh and we drew the line at when the author started talking about 'pagans' as a single group#and like. im talking about like. the author seemed to think all pagans were fantasy druids? and was UNCITED just talking about like#'pagans had no sense of time as a progression and only thought of time as cyclical' was the main thesis. which. what???#it didn't matter what kind of pagan either as long as it fit the authors intention. im talking greek. celtic. native american. and more!#sometimes the author didnt even specify! he just would start talking about pagans like they all were homogenous and shared all beliefs#and because i had to present on THIS GUYS conception of Augustine i kindve just associate that author with augustine now lmao#sorrrrry augustine i know it wasnt you who did this but tbh what little i know about you you probably would've agreed#BY THE WAY#a happy ending! we talked to our professor about our issues with the book and he took it off the list for upcoming years#i wish i could remember the title but oh well#it was literally called like 'expreasing individuality' or some shit#leadership major future politician CEO nothingburger ass book#the whole class was also structured around that nonsense leadership and entrepenuer and ceo grindset type shit#(i took this class cause it was required for a good scholarship i had lmao)#... now that im thinking about it#this was also the class i attended while on the afterglow of LSD.#so uh. yeah. lmao
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forcebook pals, i need you to know that i dreamed about being university pals with THEM
[also HELL YEAH my darlings seo eunkwang and yook sungjae were part of our gang but that's not relevant here]
hazy on the details but they threw a random-ass fashion show down a corridor in some homebrew outfits, mainly stationery and other shit they found lying around
and i kissed them all on the cheek [ except eunkwangie :(] and force basically went KISS ME HARDER YOU COWARD and teased me and made goofy faces at me until i giggled so hard i woke myself up
fellow forcebook appreciators, i need you to know i am making a prayer circle of one and manifesting an unhinged forcebook dream for you all too <3 <3 <3
#forcebook#my beloveds <3#like i said hazy on the details#but i remember book using a set square as a fascinator#and force had SO MANY colorful plastic folders tucked into his belt#and you know???#i have so many shitty dreams at this time of year but this was just an absolute unmitigated DELIGHT#which is why i want to tell everyone!#though i'm aware this is atypical fandom content#i wish i could project the dream directly into your brains!#just!!!#imagine their silly little stationery haute couture with me!!#i am changed as a person
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#when you actually look at the recipes they're not even that weird or anything I just find the names interesting#there's one just titled ''Rocks'' which I wish would have fit as another option but I used all the spaces lol#Also some of the recpies from the section 'Cookery For The Sick And Convalescent'#are just like 'apple water'' 'beef essence''#I tried to leave out most of the obvious ''weird'' ones like 'jellied shrimp' or potted pigeon or like beef livers or whatever#except for cold fish pudding which I just like because of the specifics#'fish pudding' ? eh sounds normal. 'COLD fish pudding' ? now it sounds funnier for some reason#like what else is it meant to be.. ?? lukewarm fish pudding#Also considered including 'bread queen' 'cracker queen' and 'egg balls'#the name 'baconized meat balls' is funny but also I felt it would skew the reuslts since everyone likes bacon#and would just choose that lol. I also like 'rummage pickle' and 'Creamy Eggs Basket Style'#Which again are all like. relatively totally normal recipes but the way they choose to phrase the titles can sound silly#Like ''rocks'' just seems like some sort of cookie maybe - with currants and raisins in it (not really an oatmeal cookie#but just .. idk.. ?? maybe little balls with fruit in them) but instead of being like 'Raisin & Currant Treats' or whatever#it's like ''yeah lets just call this ''rocks''. like a rock from the ground? yeah'#ANYWAY#Love old books so much.. I should do another one of these where people choose which product is the best out of#all the various weird things shown in the advertising section of the 1880s magazines I have lol#I dont remember clearly but I swear there was like 'Electric shoe!' or something strange. I dont know if I could find enough#though since most of them are just normal like.. buying furniture or things like that#aNYWAY.. hgh.. again I am not just going to post polls forever I do have other things I'm working on lol#I have low energy right now and polls are a lot easier to make than like editing 30 costume photos lol#I have a physical therapy appointment soon hopefully and maybe I can sort out some of the Constant Pains and such
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so fucking heartbroken that my next therapy appt isnt till the 30th
#i hate the holidays i hate them i hate them i hate them#i need to talk to her!!!!#shes literally the only person in all this who gets it + is in my corner#i need her advice or support or just. to talk to her and have her understand#id try to book a last minute phone appt or smth if i could afford it#as it is im already abt to max out my insurance coverage w the appt on the 30th#actually i dont even think my remaining balance will cover it#which is. fun. considering the whole reason im wishing i could book another appt#is to talk abt how my insurance is refusing to extend my std benefits 🙃🙃🙃 meaning im not getting oaid 🙃🙃🙃#merry fucking christmas to me i guess#peace and love on planet earth unless youre suicidally depressed and severely traumatized to the point of being unable to work#then you can get fucked#but whatever yknow#whatever#ill continue to beg n jump thru hoops#ill continue to try to get ppl to believe me#same way i have been my entire life#remember kids: the system doesnt actually want to help you#the system wants you working or it wants you dead#lol soz said i was better. guess im not!#still filled w rage#i should take more melatonin#at least i can sleep
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long theoretical post about my friend hugging me
like. to dissect a matter that none of you are involved in and then i'll delete in the morning: my friend in college hugged me about ten minutes ago and i don't understand why. he's a physically affectionate person so we knew it was bound to happen, it was a running joke between us that we'd like schedule our hug to happen. nothing extraordinary happened tonight. in the second half -- which is when i spent the most time with him -- i was so fucked up that i barely processed what was going on? i was listening to what he was telling me, he just rambled about stuff, and it's interesting and i could recite all of it if asked and the expression he made at each part, but there was absolutely nothing in my head. and he never asked if i was okay which i think he would have if he thought something was wrong, because he's done that before. and we were alone so he could have and there would have been zero consequences. but he didn't ask me what was wrong, so it's hard to assume that the hug was for emotional consolation reasons. he wouldn't have noticed me on the brink of tears, either, he's not that observant. i would have known if he had. and i didn't do anything truly kind to him today, i listened to him talk about his interests and we hung out for a while, but that's what we do all the time. nothing happened. there was the chair thing but i thought i played that off well, i tried to have a coherent narrative about it an hour later too so he would guess what i had hoped, and i think i was successful. he wasn't distressed, i would have known. and he was tired but he's been tired a lot before and he's never acted like this. so he had zero reason to hug me unless he maybe sensed that this entire time i just really fucking wanted him to hug me, but he wouldn't have, and i would never have voiced that, because i don't want him to see me at that level. but i needed that hug badly. and i don't understand why i received it.
#nightmare.personal#neg#he's the easiest person to be around i think. because there are a lot of conversation topics to have#and i understand the way his mind ticks pretty well at this point#that's going to change in spring semester. maybe. which is going to really suck. but it'll be okay.#nothing i offered him would differ from what anyone could give him is the issue#i'm really good at that. you don't really need to have a ton of anything to listen to people#it's just listening. and yeah i guess people are bad at that? but like.#i don't know. he could talk to literally anyone else. all of them could talk to literally anyone else and they actively do#part of my brain is trying to rationalize myself into calming down but the other half is the one i want to indulge because#fuck. fuck. i can't do this forever.#like someday i have to snap right. i can't keep doing this. it's like a time loop.#this always happens and i only vaguely remember tomorrow but it'll happen two days after and it'll be bad#and i will always want to crack under pressure but never do#and if nothing's wrong with me why the hell am i like this?#i wish he didn't hug me. i should have got my book and fucking left.#i only waited because i was getting the book back from his roommate who was off calling his girlfriend#but honestly. that guy even though he's my friend. if he saw me crying he'd do nothing#because i don't think he would care even slightly. we're good friends now i'd say. he would not care.#at least this happened in a pretty way. that's something huh.
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You've got to appreciate how both Buffy and Cordelia think that Angel gives the most comforting hugs.
Like, in one of the Buffy tie-in books I have, Buffy thought that and then in one of the Angel ones Cordy thought something along the same lines. LOL
#buffy the vampire slayer#angel the series#parallels#bangel#cangel#buffy tie-in books#angel tie-in books#i wish i remembered which ones so i could take pictures of the moments. i know i probably wrote it down somewhere but i forget where atm
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