#wish fulfillment or ‘personal representation’ or whatever aside

[lesbiansanemi]

I’m so tired of ppl making art of trans characters and they literally just look 100% cis but with different genitals like how are we not grasping the problem here

[selanpike]

A drawing of my OC Clovis, from Evil FTW, and an aside about his asexuality and my own journey to understand and express my own sexuality, as told through how I write this jerk:

When I was a teenager, I was asexual. But Selan, you might say, aren’t you bi/pan? Yeah dude. When people say your sexuality can change over time, they’re not lying. The whole reason why I didn’t come out of the closet until my mid-twenties is because I was ace before that.

And Clovis here is ace. But I haven’t established that in canon, which I’m annoyed about, but I didn’t fully understand him at first. I wasn’t really sure you could, you know, have an ace character without some weird explanation for it. I knew the word “asexual” from like, high school, but my friends--the LGBT “experts” of my school--kept telling me no, asexual is just something you describe sponges with, or stuff like that. 

And they were saying that about me, btw. Not about the character. Cue all the tired jokes about “do you reproduce with budding??” So I got convinced asexuality wasn’t a real thing, because if the kids who made it their business to know everything about sexuality didn’t think it was real, that was that, then.

(and let’s not even go into all the toxic shit they fed me about gender identity, HOO BOY, that’s a rant for another day)

So I didn’t see my identity as real. And I struggled with that. I hid behind my religion, saying no, I’m just avoiding sex for moral reasons, and sometimes I believed it. If you go through my old writing (don’t) you’d see all the weird, toxic ways I tried to understand sexuality, without fully understanding that that’s what I was trying to do.

With Clovis, in his original story before EFTW, I had this dumbass backstory where he was abducted by aliens and castrated and now he can’t have/doesn’t want sex and it was SOOO TRAGIC. I had thoughts about that a lot. For all I’d insist that you could have a fulfilling relationship without sex, I felt there was something deeply tragic about me, and whenever I saw relationships like in media or whatever where one person was like, idk a ghost or whatever, I felt like they were doomed.

The same way Clovis was doomed, the same way I was.

By the time I got to EFTW, I realized that backstory was bullshit, so I threw it out. He still has a traumatic thing in his past, but it’s unrelated to his sexuality. I still didn’t clearly establish him as ace though. I had pairings I kinda liked for him, so I wanted to keep that open but……. No man none of that ever worked. Listen, I got ships like nobody’s business for my own characters, but they decide for themselves what actually works. Clovis never clicked with anyone.

I like to think he probably struggled with that for a while, feeling like sort of a failure as a person for a while (hi my own feelings), but it was likely wrapped up in all the rest of his issues, so I’m not sure he ever recognized it as a sexuality thing rather than just, you know, an extension of his overall post-traumatic shit.

And I, now, understand that there was never really anything wrong with me, and my being ace was okay. My being bi now is okay too. Sexuality is weird, but something not being permanent doesn’t mean it didn’t matter.

By this point in the story Clovis definitely knows he’s ace and is okay with it. But I… still haven’t said it in canon. Because he’s such a private person and come on dude could you please talk about yourself more

aNYWAY THE POINT OF THIS RAMBLING IS THAT ACE REPRESENTATION IS IMPORTANT and I wish I’d had access to the sort of info that’s more common today, back when I was a baby ace. The fact that I only understood my asexuality after I stopped being ace is frustrating, and I spent so many of my formative years feeling broken, and gdi I will find a place to say in canon that this boy is ace so people know and so I’m contributing to the dire need for ace characters.

[alittleoptimistic]

Favorite Character Tropes as Wish Fulfillment?

I wrote that title after I analyzed this stuff because I realized a thing about myself I was unaware of. I always get attached to the Same Character. Like, they are literally the same person in different stories. And I want to know why. So I did a little digging and thinking and all that good, good stuff. 

Here are a few examples of my typical favorite character

Charlie from Lost

Virgil from Sanders Sides

Philip from Travelers

the Doctor from Doctor Who (specifically 10)

Klaus from Umbrella Academy

Stiles from Teen Wolf

Riley from Sense 8

Cisco from Flash

Peter Pan from any version of this story

Jim from the Office

Peter from Heroes

Merlin from Merlin

Will from Hannibal

Felix from Orphan Black

Chuck from Chuck

Josh (the werewolf ) from Being Human

Jessica from Jessica Jones

Castiel from Supernatural

Loki from Marvel

Skylar from Heroes

Sherlock from Sherlock

Zuko from The Last Airbender

Killian from Once Upon a Time

I could probably find more but you get the idea

General similarities seem to be:

out of 23

21 are male?

15 have some type of addiction/problem they have difficulty controlling? (drugs, attention, adventure, eating people, killing people, ya know, etc)

17 have a secret

‘neuro-divergent’ in some way? (ADD, PTSD anxiety, depression, something? the kids are not alright)

All 23 have grey morals (probably chaotic good-ish? they all would break the rules for a good reason or get what they want)

19 have a crappy homelife/large tragedy in the past

20 have ‘superpowers/special ability’

18 are physically weak in appearance

18 are Underdogs, underestimated but actually powerful/very intelligent?

7 have a redemption arch

17 have dark hair lol

18 have a sarcastic, sense of humor

14 talk too much

mostly white in one form or another :/

So... why?? Why do I tend to like these characters more than others?

male. I am female and there are a few female characters that I LOVE. They happen, but, in all honesty, they are far and few in between. Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones, Hermione, Rey, Riley, Rory (Gilmore girls) Perhaps it is the way girls are often written? I like Jessica Jones because she is a hilarious mess and I relate. Same with... all of the ones I like, actually. They have that grey-moral vibe of real people, but lack the sexy Cat Woman, I’m-so-bad-I-can-kill-you-with-my-massive-butt-and-boobs?? Thing?? yeah? how unfortunate. They are small breasted or, at least, that is not drawn attention to too much. Could it be. holy moly, ya’ll. could it be I like women characters when they’re written... like people? like. like, as if girls are screwed up humans! not objects?? isn’t that incredible.

srry but not srry

an addiction. now, why do I tend to go here? Its a kind of a painful trope. They always go back, and back and back again to what we know is horrible for them. Perhaps there is enjoyment in watching the struggle and seeing them inevitably win their struggle, whatever it is? The strength to conquer the darkness within themselves and do the right thing. It might just make you think you can conquer your own battles?? Maybe I feel like I can relate in some sort of way, going back to old habits, struggling to be the person I want to be. Year after year of the same new year goals...

a secret. This is honestly just a nice trope and its neat, fun writing. Creates tension, and it is usually connected to the addiction. You get invested in this secret!!! It builds up to the inevitable discovery of that secret and the aftermath and all the reactions of their friends. (merlin, Will graham, chuck, etc.)

Neurodivergent. I think this is just me relating to these people. I have bouts of depression and anxiety and am currently researching the possibility of having ADD (thats a whole new weird thing idek) so this is just something that I think I see in myself.

Grey-morals. Again. This is my moral alignment, shocker. So, again, me relating to the characters. Also, characters that obviously have flaws are just well-written, well-rounded characters? No one is actually Clark Kent. characters that seem perfect either come off as plastic and fake because real people do not act like that, or they come off as kind of creepy?? because they must have some darkness lurking beneath the surface (when this is done on purpose, i actually like this quite a lot. Rose Quartz is an example of a character who seemed perfect on the surface, but as the show moved on, is revealed to be a Real Disaster Queen. she isn’t evil, just kind of a brat, but that redeemed what seemed to be sloppy storytelling because it was realistic)

Tragic past. This is just something that authors give to Disaster People to justify their screwed-up-ness. Course, not all of them had tragic pasts, but something bad happened to all of them (except Jim from the Office I think??, but then again, that is a sitcom...)

Special Ability Again, wish fulfillment. Not even gonna lie. I often feel powerless and out of control, this Freaks Me Out. I think there is comfort in seeing the ‘little guy’ (aka le me) having with a BAMF hashtag

 Weak And once more on Relatable-Station. This is in connection with relating to feeling and looking powerless, but finding comfort in the secret strength these characters have whether through supernatural means, superior intelligence, biting humor, a quick tongue, etc.

Underestimated the cap on this trio. The last 3 points could be summed up as one thing. A weak, underestimated person actually has some secret strength. These characters might just be a coping mechanism I have to deal with feeling weak and overlooked and powerless, whether or not those feelings accurately portray reality. I wonder where those feelings came from in the first place.

A redemption arch This trope is often a result of having grey morals. These also help deal with feelings of inadequacy or guilt in the reader?? It makes you think, if they can be loved, surely I can. (i am really dragging myself in this post, which was not the plan lol but here we are) 

Dark hair/brown hair. I have dark hair, I also wanted black hair as a child and found it very beautiful. Also, I think the dark hair goes with the personality trope as a Screw Up. Not gonna lie, messy brown/black hair on boys and girls, honestly, but the short messy thing, is great. and when they go evil for a bit and the hair gets Extra Messy?? That. That’s. Good. (for reference see: Stiles, Killian, Peter, Virgil, Loki)

Sarcastic my flavor of humor. this is turning into the realization that we do, in fact, like characters we relate to the most. I thought that might be far fetched because I’m ‘nothing like’ these characters, but let's get real. They’re me but as a cute boy or girl.

Talk too much This isn’t me. but This is who I want to be, I think. I’ve always struggled with anxiety about being the quiet one while my brother was so much better at talking, making friends, etc. so this is, again, wish fulfillment. i swear i didn’t think this was going to be this self-indulgent but i obviously was wrong

White They aren’t all white. Zuko is Asian. Cisco’s actor is Columbian American. But that’s... thats a really small amount of diversity. Like, I’m concerned. (when i say white btw, I don’t mean just American or British or whatever, because there are characters on here that are from all over. I just mean overall white-looking for the sake of this analysis) 

So, First Hypothesis: prejudice is very ingrained and even with good intentions, i could be subconsciously avoiding characters that are POC??? If this is all a ‘projecting myself’ thing, then I relate to white people the most? Im sure im screwing this up, but i’m not gonna chicken out and avoid this because thats what I’d usually do to keep from dumbly saying something offensive, but if I dont address a problem, then no one is getting anywhere 

Second Hypothesis: Its been known the fiction industry as a whole has a problem with representation,,, I don’t want to discount me being white, but I don’t think this is just me and my tiny entitled butt. There probably isn’t as much access to that type of character for POC. How often do creators have well-rounded, stick-around-for-a-long-time, flawed, funny, sometimes-problematic-but-well-meaning characters that are also POC? not often enough. Maybe it’s not always on purpose. But because of ‘Diversity Points’, character development might get pushed aside, and then the character’s personality becomes Their Race, which is... a crappy way to build a character? The industry has a hard enough time with diversity in general. Maybe people just don't write POC as that type of character. Which makes characters like Cisco unique. I’ve never even thought about that... Good on you, Flash writer crew.

let's fix this??

need more Ciscos???

 if any POC feels inclined to call me out on my bull or give their insight (only if you want to, of course), pls do.

In conclusion: this was interesting, and it makes sense, I guess, why people like different types of characters if their favorite characters are projections in one way or another of them. I’m not saying that we all relate to our favorite characters, but me, because I have this weird, dozen or more of the same type of character that I love, it might be reasonable to assume there’s something about that character I see in myself or wish I saw in myself? Anyway, an interesting thought. What do you guys think? Do you see yourself in your favorite characters?

This has been an honest essay that got too long. I wish I was as invested in writing school essays as I am in Tumblr posts.

[elizabethrobertajones]

How after the mixtape are Dean and Cas' romantic feelings not considered canon? That shit was not subtext and even if you disregard the Mary and John Led Zepplin connection, mixtapes are almost exclusively romantic in fiction not to mention the whole returning one as a break up and framing of the scene. I just don't understand how even to the GA that was ambiguous. Honestly these moving goalposts are very confusing to me. Aside from PR not mentioning it I don't get what more the show needs (1/2)

to do, to establish that yes it’s written as romantic but that they are not in the being together stage. We don’t know what will happen in the future but to me 12x19 pretty clearly showed that at least at that point in their relationship, that’s where they were at. I wondered if you had any thoughts on it because it’s been nagging at me for a while? (2/2)

I mean, yeah, I have a LOT of thoughts about it because it was a sea change in the way Destiel presented, for me. There’s been MULTIPLE moments which took it up another notch, at pretty regularly spaced intervals through the show. I know my personal limit, when bingewatching 4-6 for the first time after an unintentional break from the show, was 6x20. Everyone who got into the ship without being prompted has a a moment along the way, whether it was considering all the ship teasing seriously, or thinking something about the narrative, or whatever, got to that moment where they actually hit the goalposts and started taking it seriously. 

I think several of the past moments that I find really important are also statements of intent - 9x18 for me was when I went from casual viewer and while I believed in Destiel I also saw it entirely as a subtextual creation that was not sort of… for serious consideration as a narrative tool/character endgame the show would ever even nod towards at the end of the day… to definitely thinking they were at the very least intentionally building their story with these blocks, and that it was worth investigating and exploring… That was Metatron asking us to consider the subtext and how it was a part of the story. That it wasn’t something that passes by like that but that there is an awareness and that it can and will give the story meaning. The episode being so full of strong Destiel subtext, it put me firmly where I am now in meta fandom with an overnight transformation >.> 

And 10x05 was the other one where there was a serious goalpost, where “Destiel” was said in text and a pseudo Destiel depiction happened on screen… To whatever degree it was jokey or wish fulfilment or could be interpreted this way and that as a statement to how Destiel stood in the text, it gave it a weight and presence it hadn’t had before. Even though fans had had a name for it all along, there’s something very important about naming the thing within the story and even having Sam sound out different versions of the name with pedantic detail. Between that and “I’ll just wait here then” it really established Destiel in the subtextual building blocks of the show in a fascinatingly meta way. 

Then for all the random canon events of maybe extreme shippiness, it was 12x19 that for me was a real SHIFT when it came to perceptions and presentation in the story, because of course even on the surface level it’s an extremely romantic trope to give a mixtape, and ignoring all the other analysis of the scene which only makes it worse, it betrays an enormous amount of emotion and care between Dean and Cas, in a way that’s coded strongly to our cultural perceptions as a romantic gesture having passed between them. Which means it’s another goal scored when it comes to… upping the ante of not-quite-canon-ness? 

I sort of feel like Cas’s death and return and all the connected stuff from the moment he’s stabbed through Dean saying “I do” and hugging him under the romeo+juliet glowing neon cross was either a further upping of the ante, or just showing us how to play in the rules which now exist post-mixtape, where this is the level of implied canon it’s at now… 

I mean I honestly keep saying and I mean it that pretty much since the mixtape or 12x23 I’ve been quite lost about how to handle Destiel in the sense that these were goalposts I didn’t even know I would expect the show to meet, or that if they did it would be the implied canon ending of the show where it gives us an equivalent gesture and leaves us to wonder what it was about. Instead it happens at this point and we’ve got over a season of Dean n Cas portrayed as exasperated husbands and all my interest and expertise in lawyering subtext to prove how gay it is has been left behind in its wake, so I’m just here to enjoy myself and see how it pans out now, because I set my own personal goalposts of what I assumed the show would do much lower than what Dabb set? Like, the reverse problem of people who keep moving them rather than examine the subtext and see what it says fairly without trying to lawyer their way out of what all these implications are instead. :P

But at least the mixtape made it very clear to me that you can now sort out the people who will NEVER accept something as good enough proof that the show even has romantic subtext for Dean n Cas and refuse to understand why people see it or ship it. To discount that entire conversation and the clearly expressed feelings of concern for each other, regardless of shipping, in order to claim that they don’t mean that much to each other and it’s ooc to suggest otherwise, means they’re doing the harder work when it comes to interpretation and THAT is a flipping of the stances from pre-mixtape where plausible deniability and doubt and stuff all mixed together to make it at least an awkward sell to people who hadn’t thought of it that way yet, and empowered people who wilfully didn’t want to see it. 

The Cas death arc just gave us more fodder for where shippers do less work than people who actively want to deny that Dean cares. 

But for general audiences, I think it’s quite easy to get stuck at the stage where I was pre-9x18 where Dean n Cas might even seem to be somewhat a ~confirmed couple~ except that people will lend it no credit to intent or their importance to each other in the emotional endgame, just for reasons of it not being done, or not thinking it’s possible, or in general not putting in the attention and time to piece together the relationship that a definitive canon statement would cause them to do a double take on. And that even if they then say they knew it all along, because many of these goalposts are unmissable in some senses, the credibility lent to the ship is fully missable without knowing to give it. Which is the whole problem, really. 

I’ve known the show long enough to feel its old school bones pretty deeply so I feel like that affects my personal perspective on… owedness of canon or where I started to take it seriously, and how much of the old gods of TV vs new gods possibility I would casually see in its genetic makeup. So 12x19 - being written by the new gods of TV - took the show a step further as Dabb seems to be the first showrunner of that generation of TV writers vs the ones who would play the subtext game forever - and that’s really unsettling to me. In the sense that there’s some sort of storytelling subversion thing going on here and my understanding is still kinda maybe rooted in an older postmodern take than what might end up being labelled something entirely new by future scholars… And a lot of that to me is in expectations and tropes no longer being what they were and I end up thinking of all the factors from the mass-saturation of media vs everything having to be new and individual to be considered worthy, to the effect of the internet, and the political climate in America, and the world the younger millennial writers grew up in (and we can see that literally warring with Buckleming’s old school writing in the show), and not just storytelling but representation of all walks of marginalised life coming into it, and it’s all a bunch of stuff that probably soon there’ll be a bunch of interesting scholarship on, but in the mean time we’re all riding the wave and in my personal experience I feel like we don’t even know what our surfboards are any more. 

I mean 12x23 seriously knocked me into orbit when it came to my understanding of the show, and I haven’t recovered yet. And since I spend a lot of time over-thinking as a matter of course, this is a tiny percentage of the ridiculous musings I have on it all and why I can’t just get mad at it for goalpost issues, and why I feel people lag behind and stuff. I feel like WE are lagging behind, even the people who claim to know everything about the show and analyse it all the time, and the best we can do is take it as it comes and see… But this is very much an utter fascination with watching Dabb era shed Carver era’s subtext cocoon and start testing its bizarre, mirrored, fractal wings.

[smokeybrandreviews]

Somebody Else Save Me

I don't understand why This Is Us is so popular. It's just so goddamn obviously pandering and emotional manipulation. Like, it's designed to be overly saccharine and that's fine in small doses, but this sh*t is dumb heavy handed. Like, media is created to do that, i get it, just, you know, f*cking do it better. BE better at making your show. It doesn’t even pander to a broad audience, literally just focusing on white suburbia. This sh*t is The Blind Side or Green Book but for TV and it’s f*cking gross.

White Savior narratives disgust me in general. I don’t like the idea that white folks can just show up and make everything better, especially when, historically, the opposite is overwhelmingly true. And before you start trying to call me racist or whatever, I'm a giant black dude who lives in the US. At the very least, MY personal history, everything i base my world perception on, is rife with systemic racism built upon the transatlantic slave trade-driven foundations of this country. I mean, most people don’t know this but the Police literally started as posses to recapture runaway slaves. That’s the historical genesis of cops in the US; Not to protect and serve, but to corral human chattel who escaped and fled from forced bondage. I suppose protect and serve is apt when you ascribe that oath to rich white landowners, which literally proves my point about the history thing.

Pretending that white folks are the end all, be all, of edification or empowerment in melanated communities is the height of caucacity. That sh*t is objectively disingenuous. It’s a tired cinematic trope used to assuage white guilt for the sh*t they should totally be held accountable for, making the ridiculously f*cked up race relations more palatable for them to digest. Digest and dismiss. I’ve seen a handful of episodes and every one of them rings false to me. The one that stands out most is that early episode with the pool. The whole time I'm watching that, it was impossible to suspend my disbelief that the mother would even attempt to understand the black folks in their “separate but equal” facilities because, historically, that a wasn’t a thing. Aside from the fact that they basically adopted this black kid on a whim, the fact that the ma was so flabbergasted by the plight of black folks in this episode, showed be that, objectively, their little negro baby was basically just a pet to them. They adopted this black kid like they would adopt a puppy.

Now, i know that’s not what i was supposed to take away from that episode. It was suppose to be an uplifting tale of how this white woman, who adopted a black son as a replacement for her dead white one, would grow in understanding about the culture of this melanated child she so haphazardly took ownership of. That is a lovely sentiment if you’re white. If you’re black like me, it’s f*cking infuriating. I hated every second of that episode, man. Every second. Nothing about it rang true to the reality of the time. My mom grew up during that time. She lived through the racial strife that permeated our society back then. The way that sh*t is presented on this how is more than problematic for the people who had to suffer through it. Seeing it portrayed so glibly, so biased, so white, is honestly insulting. Hollywood patted themselves on the back for being so progressive and brave and inclusive but I'm just over here, aghast at the sheer audacity of this tired, broken, pandering, lie of a trope. Like, for real? This is your response to OscarsSoWhite? Word?

Now, i know this isn’t a problem isolated to just this show, Hollywood has had a love affair with this offensive bullsh*t since it’s inception. It’s not even limited to just the Black experience. White folks fancy themselves the saviors of the entire world. Just of the top of my head, films such as The Last Samurai and Dances with Wolves immediately come to mind. A lot of these films are products of their times like To Kill a Mockingbird, Lawrence of Arabia, or The Man Who Would be King. I get why those films are the way they are. Literally anything made after 1990 has no excuse to be this objectively bullsh*t, especially when there are white savior narratives executed with some semblance of aplomb and give much needed agency to the people being saved. Django Unchained, Glory, and A Time to Kill are a few favorites but even those portrayals are incredibly flawed. Like, of those three, A Time to Kill is my favorite and that’s only because Sam Jackson straight up typewritered an entire courthouse. That’s it. Every other scene he’s in, is effectively him sitting in jail, lamenting the brutality inflicted upon his family and THAT, to me, is a better representation of what would happen in reality, under those circumstances, than anything i saw in my brief time with This Is Us.

We live in an age where the demand for representation and identify politics permeates all of our entertainment media but we can’t even shake such archaic, toxic ass, tropes? Word? So all of this sh*t is just lip-service and gaslighting then, right? For every excellent presentation of LBGTQ like Adventure Time: Obsidian, i gotta deal with quietly coded nonsense like the retroactive queerness of Dumbledore because the TERF Queen herself, JK Rowling to virtue signal at her maturing fan base For every amazing representation of a strong, female lead, like Ahsoka Tano, i gotta deal with an underdeveloped, characterless, wish fulfillment, walking agenda like Rey Palpatine-Skywalker. I just watched an absolutely excellent thriller about a wheelchair bound lead called Run, also Hush is an brilliant thriller with a deaf lead, but how many roles like this go to actors who aren’t disabled? Who are literally whole ass people? One of my all time favorite films, Forrest Gump, is guilty of this sh*t. They literally used millions of dollars to remove Gary Sinise’s legs from shots in stead of just casting a paraplegic actor of equal ability. To his credit, Sinise delivered a very compelling and respectful performance but for real?

If you like This is Us, that’s fine. It might be an objectively great show. I don’t know, i don’t watch it. The entire genesis, the core establishing narrative, offends the f*ck out of me but I'm definitely in the minority. This Is Us is one of the most popular shows on television and i hear a lot of black folks praising it for it’s portrayal of the black experience. F*cking how? The main black character was raised in a family of white people. He didn’t even have a black experience. None of that matters. The way the industry fellates itself by rewarding shows and films like this with all the awards, while simultaneously passing over other projects that give their ethnics props far more presence and motivation, basically means sh*t ain’t for us. These shows are created by white folks, for whites folks so how the f*ck am i. as a black man, supposed to identify with this whitewash bullsh*t? How the f*ck is this sh*t supposed to be okay, today, in modern times? How the f*ck is This is Us so goddamn popular? How the f*ck are we still writing White Savior narratives in 2020?

[smokeybrand]

Somebody Else Save Me

I don't understand why This Is Us is so popular. It's just so goddamn obviously pandering and emotional manipulation. Like, it's designed to be overly saccharine and that's fine in small doses, but this sh*t is dumb heavy handed. Like, media is created to do that, i get it, just, you know, f*cking do it better. BE better at making your show. It doesn’t even pander to a broad audience, literally just focusing on white suburbia. This sh*t is The Blind Side or Green Book but for TV and it’s f*cking gross.

White Savior narratives disgust me in general. I don’t like the idea that white folks can just show up and make everything better, especially when, historically, the opposite is overwhelmingly true. And before you start trying to call me racist or whatever, I'm a giant black dude who lives in the US. At the very least, MY personal history, everything i base my world perception on, is rife with systemic racism built upon the transatlantic slave trade-driven foundations of this country. I mean, most people don’t know this but the Police literally started as posses to recapture runaway slaves. That’s the historical genesis of cops in the US; Not to protect and serve, but to corral human chattel who escaped and fled from forced bondage. I suppose protect and serve is apt when you ascribe that oath to rich white landowners, which literally proves my point about the history thing.

Pretending that white folks are the end all, be all, of edification or empowerment in melanated communities is the height of caucacity. That sh*t is objectively disingenuous. It’s a tired cinematic trope used to assuage white guilt for the sh*t they should totally be held accountable for, making the ridiculously f*cked up race relations more palatable for them to digest. Digest and dismiss. I’ve seen a handful of episodes and every one of them rings false to me. The one that stands out most is that early episode with the pool. The whole time I'm watching that, it was impossible to suspend my disbelief that the mother would even attempt to understand the black folks in their “separate but equal” facilities because, historically, that a wasn’t a thing. Aside from the fact that they basically adopted this black kid on a whim, the fact that the ma was so flabbergasted by the plight of black folks in this episode, showed be that, objectively, their little negro baby was basically just a pet to them. They adopted this black kid like they would adopt a puppy.

Now, i know that’s not what i was supposed to take away from that episode. It was suppose to be an uplifting tale of how this white woman, who adopted a black son as a replacement for her dead white one, would grow in understanding about the culture of this melanated child she so haphazardly took ownership of. That is a lovely sentiment if you’re white. If you’re black like me, it’s f*cking infuriating. I hated every second of that episode, man. Every second. Nothing about it rang true to the reality of the time. My mom grew up during that time. She lived through the racial strife that permeated our society back then. The way that sh*t is presented on this how is more than problematic for the people who had to suffer through it. Seeing it portrayed so glibly, so biased, so white, is honestly insulting. Hollywood patted themselves on the back for being so progressive and brave and inclusive but I'm just over here, aghast at the sheer audacity of this tired, broken, pandering, lie of a trope. Like, for real? This is your response to OscarsSoWhite? Word?

Now, i know this isn’t a problem isolated to just this show, Hollywood has had a love affair with this offensive bullsh*t since it’s inception. It’s not even limited to just the Black experience. White folks fancy themselves the saviors of the entire world. Just of the top of my head, films such as The Last Samurai and Dances with Wolves immediately come to mind. A lot of these films are products of their times like To Kill a Mockingbird, Lawrence of Arabia, or The Man Who Would be King. I get why those films are the way they are. Literally anything made after 1990 has no excuse to be this objectively bullsh*t, especially when there are white savior narratives executed with some semblance of aplomb and give much needed agency to the people being saved. Django Unchained, Glory, and A Time to Kill are a few favorites but even those portrayals are incredibly flawed. Like, of those three, A Time to Kill is my favorite and that’s only because Sam Jackson straight up typewritered an entire courthouse. That’s it. Every other scene he’s in, is effectively him sitting in jail, lamenting the brutality inflicted upon his family and THAT, to me, is a better representation of what would happen in reality, under those circumstances, than anything i saw in my brief time with This Is Us.

We live in an age where the demand for representation and identify politics permeates all of our entertainment media but we can’t even shake such archaic, toxic ass, tropes? Word? So all of this sh*t is just lip-service and gaslighting then, right? For every excellent presentation of LBGTQ like Adventure Time: Obsidian, i gotta deal with quietly coded nonsense like the retroactive queerness of Dumbledore because the TERF Queen herself, JK Rowling to virtue signal at her maturing fan base For every amazing representation of a strong, female lead, like Ahsoka Tano, i gotta deal with an underdeveloped, characterless, wish fulfillment, walking agenda like Rey Palpatine-Skywalker. I just watched an absolutely excellent thriller about a wheelchair bound lead called Run, also Hush is an brilliant thriller with a deaf lead, but how many roles like this go to actors who aren’t disabled? Who are literally whole ass people? One of my all time favorite films, Forrest Gump, is guilty of this sh*t. They literally used millions of dollars to remove Gary Sinise’s legs from shots in stead of just casting a paraplegic actor of equal ability. To his credit, Sinise delivered a very compelling and respectful performance but for real?

If you like This is Us, that’s fine. It might be an objectively great show. I don’t know, i don’t watch it. The entire genesis, the core establishing narrative, offends the f*ck out of me but I'm definitely in the minority. This Is Us is one of the most popular shows on television and i hear a lot of black folks praising it for it’s portrayal of the black experience. F*cking how? The main black character was raised in a family of white people. He didn’t even have a black experience. None of that matters. The way the industry fellates itself by rewarding shows and films like this with all the awards, while simultaneously passing over other projects that give their ethnics props far more presence and motivation, basically means sh*t ain’t for us. These shows are created by white folks, for whites folks so how the f*ck am i. as a black man, supposed to identify with this whitewash bullsh*t? How the f*ck is this sh*t supposed to be okay, today, in modern times? How the f*ck is This is Us so goddamn popular? How the f*ck are we still writing White Savior narratives in 2020?

[alo-piss-trancy]

(fire emoji) p5

Okay I have quite a few unpopular opinions I’d like to get off my chest so here we go (keep in mind these are p much just personal preferences so don’t feel bad if you actually like the things I’m about to rag on lmao)

Also I apologize if these show up in the actual tags I don’t want to put slashes in all of these names and ships RIP

!!!WARNING FOR BIG GAME SPOILERS!!!

1. Akechi/Akira is my least fav p5 ship and ngl I feel burning disgust 98% of the time I see it. Both characters are interesting on their own and I love the similarities and contrasts between them (I live for those perfect protag/antag foils), and I do really like those bits where they could ALMOST be close friends but then it gets fucked up mmm. I also like 1 of them pining for the other on occasion (or in Akechi’s case, possibly going past that into obsessive lust) but the other has no interest in anything deeper. But I can’t see them in love at all, especially in content that sticks to canon since there’s so many time constraints and scenarios that would prevent them from having the opportunity to actually form a true relationship.

But also putting all that aside it mostly bothers me because the entire pairing just REEKS of the completely overdone “These two rivals are opposites and boys so they HAVE TO BE secretly in love and super gay for each other” kinda thing that used to be (coughstilliscough) all over the place in other fandoms. Like, I guess potentially in the right hands it could be done well and actually develop the relationship between them, but I really just despise that type of ship in 98% of fandoms and nearly any time I see Akechi/Akira content it seems pretty forced and is clearly wish fulfillment/desperate craving for gay representation.

RIP I know that sounds harsh as hell, I really don’t know how to word my feelings on it in a more coherent manner so this is the best I can explain it? People can ship whatever they want ofc and if I ever spot good content or it has smth I like (like omo fics) I’m down to read it, but it’s definitely a ship I usually try to avoid simply because I’m sick and tired of seeing it EVERYWHERE (and there’s so many other people Akira is canonically closer to/much more likely to fall in love with)

2. In a similar vein, Akira/Yusuke gets on my nerves almost as much as the above. I just don’t see much chemistry between them so it seems a bit forced, but also it’s kind of a personal bias because I just. I don’t like Yusuke. He irritates me so much he somehow pushed all my buttons when I first met him and I ignored him FOR MY ENTIRE GAME and gave him shitty coffee and if Akechi and Mishima hadn’t made me even angrier I probably would call him my least fav character in the game. That said, I’m going to try hanging out with him more than twice and actually USE HIM IN MY PARTY in my ng+ so maybe I’ll learn to warm up to him. And despite my distaste I will admit his lines are some of THE FUCKING FUNNIEST (esp his bits in Mementos jfc)

Also Akira/Ryuji irritates me too bc I also get real tired of the ‘bffs fall in love trope’ and I think they each have ppl that fit them better, but in some instances it can be really cute or kinda deep so I enjoy looking at it on occasion. I’m mostly just tired of it drowning the tags when I’m looking for other Akira pairings lmao

3. Sadayo Kawakami isn’t that great and idk why ppl hail her as one of the best girls. I actually liked her a lot when she first appeared in the game but once you start her social link and get into all the other shit I just got really bored and annoyed with her? I don’t know why because while I didn’t finish it (I got to 7 or 8 I think but then the late game plot dragged me into madness so I couldn’t find time to meet her anymore) I got to one of the big plot points in her arc and it was sad that it happened but…I was already so irritated by all of her lying and she was starting to rub me the wrong way bc despite her being 'kind’ it seemed like any dialogue I picked even when it helped her brought some snark or just obnoxious moping from her so I just kinda. Stopped giving a shit about her. I’ll max her in NG+ this time so I can see the end and hopefully I’ll feel more for her since I know most of what happened but I don’t think she’ll ever be as important to me as The Squad Girls or Tae or Hifumi.

As a character I still like her and there are certain plot aspects I really find interesting/deliciously angsty if expanded on, but I definitely wouldn’t say she’s waifu material lmao

4. Now for an actual game critique: I feel they definitely started off WAY too strong with the first palace/boss, so most of the future game (palace design/boss fights, not the plot the plot’s always top tier) seem kind of underwhelming by comparison. Like the entire way the plot progresses in Palace #1 is awesome when you’re brand new to the game/series and the boss is the perfect Holy Shit moment because, like, just look at that revolting mess, it’s super different from anything you saw before that point in the game and kinda scary to fight and it’s badass. But then a lot of the rest just doesn’t have the same shock or high stakes feeling to it or the palaces aren’t as interesting. Cool and creative bosses/neat palace ideas: #1, #4 (boss and 1 bit of plot, the palace itself got pretty repetitive to trudge through), #6 (amazing boss, loved the fighting arena bit and palace aesthetic, but hated trudging to collect shit just so Akechi could slide us through the plot), #8 (rad design, cool 1st boss, Yaldawhoever was kinda lame to fight tho bc it was a lot of the multi-bodypart stuff we’ve seen before)

Palaces that were repetitive/annoying most of the time/lame bosses: #2, #3 (THE W O R S T BOSS AND PALACE), #4, #5, #7

[20qs20somethings]

Gabe, 26

1. Can you use three to five words to describe our generation? Dissatisfied, Driven, Creative

2. Talk about a person or an experience that has helped shape you into the person you are today? I think for me it was commencement in college. I went to Brown University and my parents showed up. Previously I had kept my life evenly divided. My social friends from school would exist in one realm and my family life existed in another realm. In that way, I could create these divides like latino culture and family life existed in one sphere and friendship and academic endeavors existed in another. 

For me, my identity as a gay man was always more open with friends and academics, I was very open with people in school, about who I am and I was less so with my family. When my parents showed up to commencement it was weird because it was the first time since my parents brought me to school. So we’re sitting down and the president was flagged by two things that were draped by the windows in the building behind her. One was the Brown University flag and the other was the LGBTQ pride flag and I remember my mom turning to me and saying, “Oh that’s a weird thing to choose to hang behind the President to welcome new students.” In my head, I was like, “that’s exactly why I’m here.” 

It was weird to feel that tension and to be in a moment where I sort of have to own it because these things are coming to a head. I can’t keep aspects of my personality separated and I think that moment was a weird catalyst for me where I was like, I have to invite my parents into this world and explain what it means to me instead of keeping a divide. I think that was a weird small first step in a lot of steps I later took as I became more comfortable with myself talking to them very honestly about things I wanted to do and my own identity. 

3. What’s you’re relationship with social media like? I love and hate it. I used to think Twitter was only good if you’re a celebrity or news outlet. Why would you want to read what people are doing throughout the day? But I’m realizing that social media is about how you use it. Yeah, there’s bullying, shitty language, and anonymous trolls, but it’s also a platform to reach people and engage people in terms of activism and in a message you’re trying to share. I think it exists in this intersection of entertainment media and journalism in a weird way. 

I think before, if you wanted to reach an audience it was through TV, movies, or news. Now you can build something from the ground up and it feels a little more democratic that if people like it, they’ll come to you and return to it. So i think there are pros and cons but ultimately, I think I’m embracing its advantages as a platform.

4. Selfies: Thoughts? I don’t take a lot of them. I have more lately which is interesting. I know a lot of my friends are really into owning the selfishness of their selfies because it’s a form of self care and encouraging them to be themselves and appreciate their own body and I think there’s something empowering about that. So I think selfies are fine, they’re silly and they’re good. It just depends how you frame things and how you view it. I think if you don’t put too much stock into how people on the internet receive you and you’re not obsessed with taking selfies to try to project some perfect image of yourself, then it’s fine. Embrace your face.

5. Who or what is your biggest motivator in life? My mom. My mom got an associate degree and had me at twenty. I can’t imagine putting aside my social life and being a frivolous young person to take care of a child at twenty, so infinite respect to my mom for those sacrifices. I think just seeing her drive in making it work within her means has always inspired me to push more and do more. 

So if I were a twenty year old with an associate degree, a crappy job, and I had a child, I don’t think I would’ve been able to push through those conditions the same way she did. So if this woman can do that, I can succeed when she’s laid out a red carpet in front of me to have those opportunities. I’ve seen what my mother's gone through and the sacrifices she’s made so that I can have better opportunities and a better life and I don’t want to take that for granted. 

6. Do you believe in love? I believe in love, I don’t necessarily believe in the way we’ve packaged ideas of love or the way we define love. I always want to push people to think of love beyond a romantic sense. I can love people that I’m not having sex with or want to marry. I love my friends, and sometimes I love my friends more intensely than I love people I’m in relationships with. I believe in love but I also believe in expanding the definition of love or the ways we can love. I think American culture is really eager to box in ideas of love or appropriate expressions of love. So yeah, I do believe in it, but I don’t think it’s like the stuff of Hollywood romcoms, I think it’s supporting your friends everyday and being there when someone is having a hard time, that's love, and I believe in the human capability to love. 

7.Fill in the blank: “Happiness is _______” What you make it. Making your own home, your own family, your own goals, and holding yourself to your own standards.

8. What are your thoughts on race? Racial difference is still a thing that exists in this country and as much as I love a world where we don’t have to talk about racial difference, we exist in a world where people are treated differently because of race. So yes, I think it’s something we have to keep talking about and it’s something we have to learn to talk about in honest ways because I don’t think we can move forward on the burden that comes with focusing on racial difference until we’ve owned our history and can truly create a world where people are not judged based on race.

9. Do you think you’re represented in things you consume in media? Yes and no, I think I’m seeing it more and more. I think it’s constantly changing so I think I’ve seen more latinx representation in the news certainly. Pointing to Maria Hinojosa, Soledad O’Brien, Maria Teresa Kumar, these are latinas who have really carved out a place for us to speak about our issues, queer activists like Jose Antonio Vargas, these are people I’ve seen as role models in the world of activism and not just engaging them but as people who were showing up in news and media. I think it’s so cool that people are turning to these activists as resources and voices to paint the full picture. So connecting with them through my work has been great, but I see people like that are changing it. So I want to support people who are changing the conversation and providing visibility in the right ways. 

10. Is college overrated? I don’t think an education or knowledge is overrated, I think college is overpriced. I think college is important to keep pushing yourself beyond what you thought possible or were normal. I really didn’t push the way I thought about the world until I got to college, I didn’t know the rich history of activism and struggle in Puerto Rico until I got to college and started pushing myself. 

So I think furthering your education whether that is at a traditional college, through a community college, through taking classes that are tailor made to what you need, whatever you want to do, I think it’s imperative to push your education beyond high school and it’s imperative to keep pushing the limits of your knowledge and experience. I don’t think the only place you can achieve that is at a college where you’re paying 50k-60k a year, but it was the best place for the things I wanted to do and I think I’m better for it. 

I also think it offered me an opportunity that taught me the ways I’m privileged and how I have to own and use that for the better. Because I didn’t really understand the privilege it was to go to a university and be able to get scholarships for that until I met people from other backgrounds, people I wouldn’t have met in high school or in my hometown and I understood the sacrifices they went through to get there. Oftentimes those sacrifices were more than what I had sacrificed so it put my life and my story into perspective.

11. Would you rather have security or fulfillment in your work? Fulfillment. I’ve been let go a couple times from jobs, I’ve seen other friends let go. I’ve felt very dissatisfied in some work that i’ve done and when that’s the case and even when I feel like I could get fired or even when I have been laid off, I’ve been able to build something I’m happy with. To me, work is about gaining valuable experience and building friendships and connections, and you can do that anywhere. And you can only do that if you’re satisfied and surrounded by people that are doing work that satisfies you. 

Fuck job security, if you can’t find job security in the company someone else has made, make your own thing. Go out and find a place that wants you. I think job security is overrated, if you haven’t pushed to get unionized in the workplace, you should always treat your job like you could be let go, and you’ll be owed nothing. So always have something that you own and that’s yours to fall back on or in your pocket. If you’re dissatisfied, then make it happen and be satisfied. 

12. What do you want out of this life? I just want to be happy and comfortable, honestly. 

13. What would you say is your biggest character flaw? Not taking enough risks. I think I get really comfortable in certain routines and I really have to build up to make those bold choices or take that leap. What I wish I could do more is own that choice and that impulse earlier. A lot of times I think it’s easy to get stuck in a daily, weekly routine. I’ll go through periods where I go straight home after work and write a few jokes, but I stay home. Part of that is a social anxiety because it’s comfortable, I’m in my home, it’s something I can control. So I want to give up control and take leaps so I think that’s something I want to do more of in the next few years.

14. What’s something that makes you angry? Bullying. If you’re making fun of someone because they’re different than you, like come on, it just speaks so much to your insecurities and it truly is helping no one.

15. Do you think our generation is too focused on being politically correct? I think there’s a difference between political correctness and civil discourse or kindness. I don’t think it’s wrong to push for kindness, I don’t think it’s wrong to treat every human being as if they are deserving of the same rights as everyone else. To me, political correctness is a word that means putting a spotlight on one issue at the disservice of everyone else. 

But to me, movements that focus on trans rights or black lives aren’t doing it at the disservice of everyone else. They’re saying “hey, most people or groups are offered this comfort in life and we would like the same thing. We would like you to be aware of the history of these words or ways of treating people.” To me, these movements aren't about policing language, people can say whatever they want, there’s nothing we can do to change that. When protesters, activists, teachers, students, kids ask you to call them a certain thing or speak to them in a certain way or encourage you to ask them how they’d like to be referred to, I don’t understand how that is a threat or risk or ruining our culture. 

It’s just opening up our world and vocabulary to be more inclusive of things. Saying we’re too politically correct is just an easy out to not hold people responsible for the impact their words can have particularly as politicians. Because while your speech shouldn’t be policed, you should be aware of the fact that as your speech as a public figure, as a politician, has impact. So in those instances you do have to push back. But to me, ultimately what people are calling for political correctness is just a push for kindness and open mindedness.

16. How do you want to be remembered? I would love for people to say that I taught them something and I made them laugh. 

17. What are qualities that you value? Honesty, a sense of humor, compassion, generosity, a sense of responsibility, self awareness, open mindedness.

18. What do you hope 30 will look like? I want to be able to build something from the ground  up, specifically something that can help give a playful or comedic platform to people like me. I know that I want to stay working in satire and politics. I know I want to keep giving a voice to the voiceless and I know I want to keep making people think about things that they otherwise wouldn’t have to think about or that they otherwise wouldn’t have been taught. 

19. What’s the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn? That your job doesn’t define you. I think while I was getting a degree and looking for work I was like, “I have to find something that’s perfect for me, speaks for exactly who I am, and lets me be true to myself.” and no job is going to give you that opportunity so long as you are working for someone else and collecting a paycheck, you will always have to temper something about yourself. 

I think it’s important to draw that line and realize that the sacrifices you make for a job don’t define you. If it feels like it’s getting to the point where it’s getting to you and the sacrifices you make for the job are making you less happy as a person, you’ve gotta let it go. I define myself as a writer, comedian, activist, but those things don’t define me. I think those are all aspects of my areas of interest and personality that contribute to a broader picture. 

Your first job out of college isn't going to be perfect and I really wanted it to be perfect. Make a few sacrifices but never let those sacrifices change who you are at the end of the day and don’t let your work swallow you whole. Every job is an exchange. Sometimes when people are celebrating a job, they might not have it a year later and they might be in a tough time or six months down the line they might realize it's not for them and transfer somewhere else.

20. What is the best piece of advice you want to leave the world with? Learn to laugh more. I don’t think laughter is always frivolous, I don’t think that laughing at something means you don’t care about it or you think it’s dumb or silly. I think laughter happens in many ways. We laugh when we learn something surprising, we laugh when someone looks ridiculous, we laugh when we’re really happy and I think owning and leaving room for laughter and joy will do so much work for making people happier.

[mateotorrezjr]

again, but better → christine riccio

special shoutout to st. martin’s press via netgalley for providing me with a copy of the book to review, all thoughts expressed in the following discussion are my own.

if i were a person that used half stars, i find that this is a book that would a perfect time to utilize them. as it stands, i don’t, and while from a purely objective standpoint this is a solid three star book, i don’t rate books objectively. i rate them from a purely subjective standpoint based solely on my enjoyment, and so i had to settle on a solid two stars.

before i descend into a ramble i want to acknowledge that i don’t think it’s inherently wrong for an author to draw on their own personal lives for a character, in my opinion while this is a novel it does teeter on the edge of semi autobiographical. i don’t even think that it’s wrong for a book to serve as wish fulfillment for an author or for a protagonist to be any kind of analog for an author. it gets into a weird territory when you can start to draw those connections perhaps, but to judge the whole of the book in that way i do believe to be a mistake. my relationship to the author, as tangential as it is as i haven’t watched her youtube content regularly in a few years, is not universal and there are plenty of readers that won’t come to this story with the same baggage that i did. if there was anything about the self-insert, semi autobiographical nature of the book it was the use of references. for a bulk of the novel the references seemed to be used entirely to make the reader that the book was taking place in 2011, it felt more like a crutch and one that riccio refused to abandon as the book went on. judging by how lackluster the bulk of the descriptions we did get i can understand why the references were used as a crutch. i’m not sure that at this point the “world building” could have been strong enough without that reliance. if the second half of the novel is anything to go by, even when presented a second chance to fix some of the lackluster descriptions the opportunity wasn’t seized.

part of the reason i felt like i needed to keep this in two star territory and not simply round up to a three were the characters. not so much individual arcs, but i found that our supporting players were never quite utilized an any kind of meaningful way? they existed seemingly as afterthoughts, which is kind of insulting as they do serve as some of the books only “diversity”. first we have shane’s roommates during her semester abroad in london; sahra and babe. babe is described as “dark skinned and curvy”, i’ve seen at least one person label babe as a black woman, and if further description of babe is provided in the book i can’t recall anything other than a mention of her hair being thick and curly. i feel like descriptions like this don’t do any service in terms of representation as “dark skinned” can refer to a multitude of ethnicities and racial identities. sahra is described as tan, and that’s about it. her name coupled with the fact that her family went on a trip to lebanon at some point in the past i assume that she’s middle eastern, but it’s never confirmed and furthermore neither of these characters are all that instrumental in shane’s life. there’s a throw away line about babe becoming her best friend, but all of those sort of references are made off the page and we rarely get to see those moments. they do get to share pleasant moments of general getting along, but nothing that would make me believe they were anything ever than simply pleasant with one another. what bothered me most about these two characters specifically if they were meant to be woc, is that both of them have moments where they are seemingly antagonistic toward shane for seemingly no reason, both times for pure shock value.

the novel also includes atticus, a gay asian [ nothing more specific is ever given to my recollection. so whether he is japanese or mongolian or vietnamese is a complete mystery to me ] and he is only ever included in minor moments of even far less significance than the ladies. presumably because the novel isn’t from pilot’s, atticus’ roommate and the love interest of the story, perspective. there is a second gay character, but he is by far and away the least important character in the story and his coming out is shoehorned in at the very end of the book in a way that feels more like a deleted scene that forgot to be removed. there is a black woman at shane’s internship, but her not getting an arc wasn’t an important to me given that she wasn’t really an important character to the story in the same way that babe and sahra could have been.

now i want to discuss the plot twist of the book that happens just before 50 percent of the way through the book, without getting too spoilery. simply put i don’t think that it was at all necessary. if anything i think that the later half, particularly the parts written between 65 – 80ish percent of the way through the book were by far and away the weakest of the novel. not only because we were retreading ground that we had already traveled, but really at no point did it feel as though any of our characters had grown.

in the interest of fairness some of the character have an excuse for the staticness of their arcs, this was a novel that was really never interested in making those characters three dimensional and was really only interested in one of the two leads. that said even they didn’t seem to have grown in a way that i think would have made sense given the circumstances. when you take into consideration shane’s goals the fact that she remains so static becomes even more painfully obvious.

shane as a character herself was also really painful to read at times during this novel. part of me feels that if you don’t fine shane interesting and compelling by the time you get to the plot twist the second half of the book doesn’t really offer you anything you can’t assume will happen, there’s very little reward for sticking through it once you’ve reached that point. that aside, shane for so much of the novel seemed to be pushing the blame for certain actions off of herself and onto the shoulders of various other characters. particularly in the first half of the novel. there’s an instance where she meticulously planned and coordinated a lie and then when confronted tried to play it off like it was an accident or she hadn’t meant to do it. i don’t think that the story really ever dealt with that situation, or even what would have been the fallout following the plot twist?

another thing i think the book failed to do was describe anything well. it never crossed into white room syndrome, i did typically have a general understanding of the layout and some of the key furniture or flooring, but there was general lack of depth. the book is set in london, but there are moments that take place in rome, paris, edinburgh, and new york city. all of these cities have distinct flavor and vibe to them, that riccio utterly failed to capture. i’m not even sure that it was a goal of the writing, and i do feel like it hurt. the setting all sort of blurred together. in terms of settings i think riccio relied on landmarks to really do the heavy lifting without thinking through how these setting could play into the story she wanted to tell in a way that was important to the narrative.

at times i found the dialogue to be clunky. mostly that a lot of it seemed to be 1) a reference to something or 2) something that could have been in any straight to dvd teen rom com situation. some of the clunkier moments were when riccio was trying to subvert a popular ya cliche. the first being a riff on the “i let out a breath i didn’t know i was holding,” line that was honestly just whatever, nothing to offense. what really made me decide that it was clunky was a line later that’s an extended scene and conversation about that big romcom moment in entertainment where two love interests have a conversation that builds to a sort of iconic tattoo worthy word like “always” or the “okay, okay” moment from tfios that ends in the most ridiculous way. to be fair, it wasn’t the worst thing i’d ever read, in the grand scheme of things for some people that moment will work. it didn’t click for me, and it’s one of the easier moments to point to and not the countless conversations that obviously occur over the course of a novel that didn’t click. y’know?

riccio also made the decision to include postcards written to shane’s parents and her journal entries, and while i do think that at times they help to make shane a more well rounded character, at least more in comparison to the characters. but i found that these journal entries were another crutch to breeze through aspects of the story that honestly should have been far more fleshed out. i feel like this approach was taken to better facilitate this plot twist that i don’t think was entirely necessary. a book can only be so long, and the way that this narrative was chosen to be told, you have to make concessions and unfortunately i’m firmly in the camp that this same story could have been told without it and that the story could have even been better without it.

how many times can i sneak that sentiment into this discussion?

it’s hard to talk about the cheating that takes place in this book without going into spoilers, but i’ll do my best to. the cheating aspect was one of the many things that halted me from becoming fully invested in this romance. i was also partially not into it because for at least the first half of the novel i think that it was really easy for a reader to see as very one sided. i don’t know if that’s me being a dumb bitch, or me being stuck in shane’s head where her running commentary and anxieties. after the first 25% i was really convinced that this mutual attraction thing wasn’t all that mutual. even when i was back on board i thought that it was very strange that shane would continue to pursue a relationship with someone that was already in another relationship, and at one point in the novel she laments about how upset she was that the dude didn’t cheat on his girlfriend with her? it’s something that’s completely and totally irrational. i think that the narrative casually ignores the fact that after the plot twist shane is technically not in a position to be pursuing a relationship. ignoring isn’t the right word, it’s acknowledged, but still tossed aside in favor of resting on the fact that because of the plot twist it changes things. it’s a very nuanced situation, and one that i don’t think that this book was honestly not prepared or wanting to handle. it’s serious ethical conversation that most ya contemporary novels aren’t trying to tackle. it’s okay. just don’t introduce them. pilot’s girlfriend is also firmly in stock character, total plot device status. we literally get to know nothing about her. also just not a fan of this idea that after three months you should be completely in love with someone or the relationship is a failure, like, i feel like that’s not the message. i also feel like the book send a weird message about pursuing people already in a relationship, that if you have a crush on someone that is with someone it can work out for you and you can get a happily ever after with them. it’s very complicated like i said, and honestly not the type of conversation this book is capable of handling.

i had a lot of issues with this book, if you are interested in my live reactions and thoughts about things i did livetweet it, so you can check that out here. i tried to keep this review centered on the larger issues that i had with the narrative. i’m almost positive thought that few of the pettier critiques i had slipped in, and i wouldn’t be surprised if i was more than a little repetitive.

all of that said though, i objectively don’t see this book as terrible. if nothing else i was compelled to finish the book, it was really easy to read and so it never felt like a chore to continue despite the fact that shane was constantly annoying me and the narrative was constantly failing to utilize it’s whole cast of characters. as i’ve stated there’s nothing inherently bad about this story. despite the fact that i’ve given it such a low rating, i do think that there are people that won’t have the same issues that i did. i don’t think that this book is for everyone, that said i think that it’s also really easy to tell if it’s not for you and even if it’s not if you do manage to get to the end i don’t think that it feels like a waste of time. as aggravated as i became that the narrative wasn’t living up to the full potential, i can’t deny that some small part of me was at least pleasantly entertained by the mess that i was watching unfold. it’s a book that while can’t support the conversations that it sparks, it does spark discussion and i think that’s certainly better than a book that exists simply as matter in the universe.

[stopsubstanceabuse1-blog]

[07-Feb-2019] Polycom Polycom Certification 1K0-002 Exam Syllabus CVE-2 Certificate

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Does Your "Maltese" Stand Up to the Supposed Standard

Does Your "Maltese" Stand Up to the Supposed Standard

Requirements that are type really are a group of recommendations accessible to make sure that canines compare well to particular faculties typical of the form. Type requirements, therefore, are regarded as the theoretical perfect of the type and are accustomed to deciding canines in contests.

If you, therefore, are worried about subsequent these needs towards the notice and want to contend with your Maltese it could even be useful to consider these complete specs can differ in various nations. These would be the requirements in the National Kennel Club.

Which means you must certainly be wondering. So how exactly does your Maltese compare well towards the recognized A conformation' factors? Bear in mind versions in your Maltese aren't by any means an undesirable representation in your dog and these make reference to the perfect canine. If you don't wish to contend that's...the next is tailored in the American Maltese Type Regular recommendations that have been since 1984 essentially.

Basic Appearance:

The Maltese is just a mild-mannered and caring gadget puppy. Coated using sleek, soft locks to foot from head. Regardless of the canines dimension, it ought to be lively and keen.

Mind:

The top must certainly be using the dimension of your dog compared. The head must certainly be somewhat curved on the top and also the quit must certainly be reasonable.

The ear dangles near to the mind and is low-set. The listener must certainly be coated using locks dangling these over. The eye isn't established too much aside and indeed should possess a notify although mild phrase. Dark wheels surround the eye.

The snout is of medium-length, tapered and right in the nostril. The nostril is dark. Actually should be met in by one's teeth.

Throat:

The throat is lengthy enough for that check out be kept higher.

Body:

Your body is small. The neck the arms well-knit and also are sloping. The rear is the bones nicely leaped and even degree. The torso merely is and heavy somewhat hidden underneath.

Butt:

Beautifully transported within the again and coated in long-hair the end must lay aside over 1 / 4.

Thighs and Feet:

The thighs must indeed be right- boned. The forelegs are the and also directly bones well-knit. The hind legs are somewhat tilted and powerful at stifles. The toes are curved and little. Foot patches are dark.

Layer and Colour:

The layer is toned lengthy and smooth. It will hang the attributes of your body nearly towards the floor over. The long-hair about the mind quit dangling or might be tangled up. Texture or any kinks is recognized as a problem. The color must certainly be pure-white. Lotion tones or gentle bronze are permitted but frowned upon.

Personality:

The Maltese that is perfect is without concern. There may be by having a loving method a mild-mannered canine the ideal. Vibrant and fun.

Dimension:

The fat must certainly be significantly less than SEVEN lbs. Between FOUR - SIX lbs are recommended.

Stride:

The techniques having a sleek, stride that is moving. Whenever in-motion the forelegs achieve free and directly from the neck. The hindlegs relocate a line that is straight.

Problems:

Colour

Cowhocks

Curly-coat

Whether you are merely thinking about how your pet steps up or wish to contend these would be the many more popular recommendations.

Taking care of your Maltese will need brushing from mats to avoid the jackets. Attempt to keep the encounter consistently clear particularly around the eye to prevent the usual "rip discoloration" which could ruin your Maltese phrase that is vibrant.

Maltese are vibrant friends and exceptional buddies. This aristocrat of the globe that is a dog is just a satisfaction adore and to possess. Of course, if your Maltese fulfills the type requirements, it's satisfaction to exhibit your stunning Maltese off. It doesn't imply a thing if for whatever reason they don't meet up with the regular. They're beautiful through-and-through. 

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[redlemonz]

Day #4

I am someone else when I’m with you - someone more like myself. These are the thoughts I woke up to after the events of the last evening. She brings me countless levels of joy that were previously undiscovered before she stepped foot into my life. Her adventurous, outgoing spirit takes you everywhere - from the summit of many mountains, to the depths of the caves, to her own elemental home of water (all kinds of beaches, pools, natural springs). If life was a narcotic, she’d be the enabler. Even putting such factors aside, it’s easy to realise that she’s the human being we all strive to be - “the whole package” as modern day terminology would have it, the one you wish the rest of the world could take example from. Cliche as it all is, she truly does make me feel more like myself - it’s as if I’ve been constantly discovering more about myself through her.

Day 4 - love: the best self torture?

It’s Friday. Generally that’d be one of the most exciting features of any working class hero’s week - however as discovered, time and the brain are your own worst enemies, especially when they team up against you. It’s this time last week it all definitively fell apart for the last time. All I remember thinking is that I was excited to hear her voice on the phone that night after the shitty week without her due to my own insecurities causing more fights. Thinking that she finally understood and listened to me after the millionth time regarding a promise of my recognition being put forward of our existence together to her parents. Didn’t happen. After over a year (officially & unofficially counting), it finally concluded to what my mind would tell me all along - that I wasn’t worth the effort. Though I mostly didn’t see things actually ending this way, because her and the act of lying never went together at all - I had no choice but to accept it. It’s her life after all. Instead, I should have actually listened more to her feelings and stuck with, and by her principles in support (I’ve always wanted to support everything she does, and I failed so fair enough), rather than act selfishly. What sucks though is that after all the time passing, they’ll still never know what I was to her. Because it was never important enough. I was never important enough. I suppose this is the reason that I’ve somewhat started to accept and can have my content moments with this ending, and not go as insane as I imagined I might (though it’s still early days, jinx). Nevertheless, it’s still my first Friday as a lone ranger without her, and I don’t like it one bit. I wish I could turn back this damn clock and rectify all my regretful mistakes, or learn quicker - but it all happened too late. Oh If I could be that guy in “About time” with that capability. Though let’s talk about another one of my favourite movies. I relate way too much to the mindset of the main character in this movie. The way in which he establishes his own fantasy girl (whom for the purpose of projecting literature comes to life), only to be disappointed by his own expectations that he has, rather than let her live her life, make her own choices & be her own person. He learns the common sensical, straightforward truth that he can’t actually control her and hold her back from being her, even though that was never his intention to begin with. He was ultimately blinded by his selfishness, couldn’t handle his insecurities, and thus forgot about the treasure he was blinded by, which in turn he lost. As you would have it, he realised the errors of his ways and the choices he made far too late. He has to let go. Except when it’s happening in a movie, their fates end up aligned once more and he oh so miraculously gets another chance. I wish. Probably doesn’t help thinking about the fun fact that they’re married in real life either.

Just had some nuggets at work! What a momentously ecstatic time in my monotonously linear life currently. Finally got my special of 20 for $10 - it’s suppose to be a bargain anyway. I remember the only other time I attempted to attain this spectacular deal was after we had played some tennis. I won obviously.. well this time anyway. She’s a pretty damn good match in more ways than one after all. It’s why I prefer to have her on my side of the court in both sports & life altogether. We make quite the team. Anyhow the nugget promotion had run out at the time we reached that drive through which was certainly devastating. I’ve made it this far though, so I’ll continue to live. Later that day, we went back to hers for a swim in the pool. Saying that so casually now seems a bit odd, considering that before her, the concept of swimming to me had become mostly a stranger since I was a kid. There was that one time at camp (not band camp, ha) during which I was still fairly new to this Country, in Intermediate school which I don’t like talking about in detail. Essentially it involves the body shaming of an 11 year old me when I was about to join the rest of our camp group for our activity of the day; sailing (she use to sail too - of course she did, the crazy multi-talented beautiful mofo). Since that moment, I learned to keep judging myself through out the years, and on top of my existing mental insecurities and emotional instability, I was unable to take off my shirt due to feeling way too shitty about my physical image. I could exercise and make it slightly better and whatever, but it didn’t alter that fear of public shaming. Until she came along and changed everything that is. She made me care less about these insignificant traits.. and slowly my insecurities started fading away, day by day. I felt more alive and free thanks to her, and am able to be more comfortable than ever with myself when I’m with her. Probably even way too comfortable, as there is a lack of such a limit between us when we’re together.. which is just another delightfully pleasant and fulfilling seam of happiness.

So it’s dad’s birthday. I’ve picked him up a present and am suppose to get a cake on the way back home after work. One of the three lives near by me, so I confer with him that a certain cheesecake shop is nearby us, to which he responds that I should just bake a cake (he would say that, being a former chef and all it’s.. well, a piece of cake for him). But no, not again. The one time I baked a cake was for her birthday - a banana cake covered with my own Nutella chocolate icing recipe. Spent probably ten times the actual required amount of time, and made an absolute mess of my sisters kitchen which I booked out, to make sure everything was perfect. Thankfully, It did actually turn out pretty well and I think she liked it, as she finally received the banana cake I deprived her of the year before through telling people she was allergic to the fruit. My other attempt at baking for her involved some failed cookies (slightly much butter) delivered to her at home, on top of her car during crazy thesis time. Had to also provide a proper block of chocolate with that to make up for the failed attempt. Oh man the amount of chocolate and candy I’ve probably supplied her with is pretty criminal. She would joke about how I’m just fattening her up, which I’d laugh along to but there’s probably some element of truth there. She’s just got a damn good metabolism to be fair. Also for those times where she’s trying to be healthier (which is most of the time) I’d have to resort to ensuring it was a minimum of 70% cocoa dark chocolate. I already miss being her supplier, hence why I had to include chocolate in my flower delivery on day #2 one last time. Though let’s face it, knowing her it’s probably already all gone. In all likelihood it’s the one thing even she can’t resist. Who knows, it’s presumably the reason I resemble chocolate that she even found me appealing to begin with. Jokes aside (not her addiction - that’s real), It just sucks not being able to refill her jar of kisses.

Friday night draws inwards. We’ve just celebrated dad’s birthday at home - my sister, bro in law, nieces and even their kind of cute new au pair whom I dropped near the airport a couple weeks ago came along (cute = short, red head German girl). I debated pretty hard with myself whether to even transfer that thought across, quite thoroughly if I may add, but I guess I can now? I don’t know. Feels strange and unfamiliar because I don’t really want to either, but I figure what does it really even matter. She wouldn’t have cared either way because she’s never even supposedly had a hint of the green eyed monster. Am I sincerely the only one to find that a bit bizarre? Although I confess, my own insecurities have led my mind to be easily manipulated by itself sometimes. However, in my unnecessary self defence against..myself, such does also stem from the initial issue where I’ve always felt hidden on a social scale during our relationship. As if she was always uncertain about me so could ultimately never make the complete leap with her own heart.. which in turn would make me identify further with those very inadequate concerns of being second best standing away on some foggy sidelines, a constant back up until someone more attractive, talented, smarter, and well, just better, would come along. Until the person whom she might actually be excited to introduce to her family could come along, so that they could be impressed and happy with her choice. Understandably, I don’t fit that criteria. Looking back at all our fights this fundamentally core issue for me had caused, I realise now - when I view myself in the mirror that I too, would be embarrassed if it were me. That’s the one lie I didn’t enjoy - “it’s not a big deal”. I’d rather just that she would have admitted it was, so that I could gain more understanding - I mean I don’t think I can be that bad otherwise…Can I? Probably, I guess. Note that this is an unfair representation of her though, don’t get me wrong at all. You have to consider all the facts (which is what I failed incredibly hard to do furthermore at the time, as my heavy emotional weaknesses took over). I seriously just needed to listen to her. Although I guess the counter argument is that I didn’t feel like she ended up ever listening to me either - which left us at a stand still, where we both continuously shot at each other until the mess grew large enough, and we eventually fell apart. Natural attrition, as my work place has been calling it. I was so foolish though, seeking approval from sources that shouldn’t even matter at all, and left me once again becoming fully aware far too late, that I lost the only one that really did matter - hers. I don’t care if I sound like a loser for not saying my own approval here - I’ve never really cared for anyone else’s approval enough previously.. just the one I fell for. She was actually much too sweet in the end when reflecting upon the circumstances, as I did constantly exhaust her with this ongoing insecurity that I created myself. She didn’t need to put up with me for so long, but I do feel a sense of honour and self-worth ironically stemming from the fact that she did. In a way, she kind of gave me recognition and I didn’t even register it until literally this moment - by sticking by my side. Until she couldn’t anymore. Because I wasn’t worth the effort. Which just feels counteractive to the definition of being in love with someone - and I could definitely tell she still was/is from our weekend (+sick day monday). There was a certain spark in our eyes of a possibly better future there, but she would safeguard her heart from taking that leap once again. Her damn smart brain got in the way. Once again, ironically one of the most attractive things about her was my downfall at attempting to fix what is supposedly permanently broken to her. The fact of the matter still remains that love is the most illogical and beautiful phenomenon that we have as human beings, and it genuinely can make us do absurd things and challenge every principle and ethic we may believe in and hold dear, because it’s damn love. It’s what I believe in. It’s the core of humanity and all that is really required - The Beatles were onto that one. Questioning it rather than embracing it is what causes us to slowly limp away into the darkness of our mind, and lose ourselves. But hey, that’s just one prime example’s biased opinion - as we’ve clearly established that my mind is my own worst enemy. I fucked up everything on my own - she didn’t need to assist me in that regard.

All I know now, when thinking about love as per my above discovered profound wisdom (just clarifying that it is in fact sarcasm, in case I haven’t already proven to be arrogant enough asshole at times - but whatever, I don’t need to prove anything), is simply that I just want her to be beside me right now. I miss her presence next to me on a Friday night. I just want to hold her and forget about the rest of this damn world for one more perfectly blissful moment of love, and I know from experience that it’d feel like everything will be alright. But, I can’t tonight. Also I’ve snapped her three times today and offered her a trip to Fiji (my crappy April fools joke, don’t ask - I’ll disappoint once again) after the positive vibe I received from last night, but nothing back. So that’s great too. I’m glad she’s moving on with her life - genuinely am happy in that consideration for her. Maybe I should widen the gap on the bridge between us too, to assist her from a distance (figuratively and literally). I hope she has a wonderful weekend as she deserves, and that the sun shines for her (and the stars at night too). Warning: Incoming dramatic conclusion to day 4 - so please do excuse me for now, as I need to get back to digging this damned endless pit for my heart.

_____

Day 4 - continued - yay!

Hold everything. She just snapped me a cute selfie of her finding an excuse (someone on TV did it so it's a legitimate reason, duh) to have a shot of our fireball. Key word, cute - though I suppose that's literally every snap of her. Alright - so a much better conclusion to day 4. It's absolutely mind-blowing, crazy and 300% illogical how the smallest gesture can turn everything around, isn't it? Must be love.