#will possibly write a more nuanced review after my second watch

[caressthosecheekbones]

went to a vintage/antique/flea market, good coffee, sun shining and everything. only bought some sweet water pearls and thin leather string. what on god's green earth could I possibly want do with that, you might ask. #mary&george

[sinsiriuslyemo]

Orphan: First Kill (Review)

In 2009, going to the movies was somewhat of a special occasion for my family. We were better off financially than we had been when I was much younger, but still, spending money on going to the theater was something we did only when a film was being released that we absolutely wanted to see. I remember whenever a trailer would release, waiting for it to be shown on TV (how we would see a trailer long before online trailer drops) and weighing whether we wanted to watch it as soon as it was put in theaters or whether we could wait for the DVD release.

Orphan was one of the films that we just had to watch in theaters.

It did not disappoint. I’ve never been a superfan of horror films, but a well-made thriller is right up my alley. The films that stretch the imagination in terms of what’s possible in a film meant to make you feel terrified. Orphan more than delivered on that front, both with the interesting storyline of a young couple wanting to adopt a child after suffering a horrible loss, and the amazing performances from Vera Farmiga and Isabelle Fuhrman.

And who can forget the adorable Max, played by Arianna Engineer.

So when I heard recently that a prequel had recently been released on Paramount +, I knew I wanted to check it out.

Bring on the scares!

I’m always very skeptical of sequels and prequels, especially ones that are made years after their original films. When I decide to watch one, I have high expectations. Orphan: First Kill was no different.

I was encouraged by the fact that Isabelle Fuhrman was reprising her role as Leena Klammer/Esther Albright, but that was all I knew going into it. The morning I sat down to watch Orphan: First Kill, I was expecting a journey on how Leena came to be Esther, with plenty of thrills and kills.

Not only did it not disappoint, but it also veered away from the typical prequel formula and subverted my expectations in ways I could not have anticipated. In the original release from 2009, we learn a bit about the Albright family, the first family to adopt Esther and bring her to America (or so we thought). We learn that they died in a house fire that is later revealed to have been arson, and by then we assume that Esther was responsible for the fire. So going into Orphan: First Kill, I was expecting a similar nightmare situation of a grown woman with a hormonal disorder terrorizing a family, leading to their imminent death.

I did not anticipate that expectation to be turned on its head. Instead of a run-of-the-mill origin story, we get a more complex and nuanced story that in the end, had me actually rooting for the last person I thought I would ever be rooting for.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t better than the original. I’m not even sure I would say it was as good as the original. But it did surprise me in some great ways. And it was really great to see Julia Stiles on my screen again. So now let’s talk about performances!

Isabelle Fuhrman had already impressed me in 2009 as Esther. She had done such an amazing job convincing me that she was a grown adult without giving away the final twist that for a second I wondered whether she actually was an adult in real life. Nope. She was 12 in the original Orphan, and she was absolutely brilliant. That hasn’t changed in Orphan: First Kill. If anything, she managed to add more depth and texture to the character, delivering a performance that makes me want to watch everything she’s ever been in. I think we can expect great things from her in the future.

I hadn’t seen Julia Stiles since I watched Save the Last Dance. Never in a million years did I ever think I would see her in a psychological thriller. Ya’ll, she was amazing. She played her character, Tricia Albright with such nuance and complexity, and even managed to make the cheesiest of the writing sound believable. I sincerely hope this is only the beginning of a comeback for her.

The rest of the cast was good in their supporting roles, but Isabelle and Julia’s performances were what truly kept me engaged from beginning to end.

The writing was just okay. It had some really great, impactful moments a lot of the time, but every once in a while there was a line that would have me rolling my eyes. Overall though, it was a well crafted and well packaged story that was a nice follow up to the original from 2009.

At the end of the day, I think it was the right decision to release this onto a streaming platform instead of having a theatrical release. It was good, it wasn’t great. It didn’t have me thinking about it days after like the first one did. Still, I’m not sorry I watched it. I was thoroughly entertained, appropriately creeped out and never bored. You can’t ask for more from a psychological thriller.

Stars: 3/5

[itsclydebitches]

Hey there! Admittedly I'm a little bit nervous since this is my first ask, but I'll try to not be too rambly.

So, recently the main subreddit, r/RWBY, made a ban on active users of the r/RWBYcritics subreddit. As a result there's been discussion around bad-faith criticism in the latter subreddit. What are your takes on bad-faith criticism?

For me personally, I think a bunch of people are misusing the term "bad-faith" and using it as a way to shut down criticism, but I'm curious to hear your thoughts on it.

Hey there, everyone! We woke up to some drama this morning, huh? And hello to you too, Tortoise! I'm so glad you decided to send in an ask, even if it's following some pretty tumultuous events...

Right, I'd like to start with a story. The story of how I personally don't spend time on Reddit, but I have plenty of friends who will occasionally cross-post something for me to see. Yesterday (or the day before? Idk time is meaningless) a friend told me about a post — which, significantly, I'm now having trouble finding — that covers RWBY's inconsistent writing and the fandom's tendency to try and explain away those missteps. They'd thought I'd be interested because I'd just had a conversation here on tumblr where I made that exact point to someone who, also significantly, vehemently disagreed with me, but in a very civil fashion. Given everything going on, I feel like this side point needs emphasis: we debated, we did so in a sometimes heated, but nevertheless respectful manner, it was clear neither of us was going to sway the other, and the conversation ended. The two "sides" of the community interacted without Armageddon coming about.

But back to the purpose of this tale. I went to take a look at this point and found that it no longer exists. There's just some vague message about it not obeying the subreddit's rules. "What happened?" I asked. "Why'd they take the post down?" "People were getting too heated in the comments," my friend replies. So, given that the comments were still visible, I proceeded to read through them, expecting personal attacks, slurs, harassment, etc. Any number of things that would justify deleting the post itself to put an end to such behavior. Instead, I found a thread of people having a conversation. Was the conversation heated at times? Sure. Did one or two individual posters edge into the realm of petulant, "No. You're wrong and stupid" responses? Yes. Was any of this remotely what I was expecting given the post's removal? NOPE.

"This isn't allowed?" I said. "Well then what is? People were being civil! Or at least as civil as hundreds of strangers ever get when discussing a series they're passionate about online."

Then, this morning, I hear that the entire critic subreddit has been banned.

So to answer your question, Tortoise, I don't actually think that "good faith" criticism exists. Meaning, it's not just that fans are misusing the term "bad faith criticism," but rather that there is no unified, agreed up method of writing criticism that will meet their standards. It's not possible and we know it's not possible because fans have been trying to meet those elusive standards for years:

A fan posts nothing but praise for RWBY until changes make them criticize the show as it is now. Their entire body of work is dismissed as the product of a "hater," despite the overwhelming gap between positive and negative reviews.

A fan posts a review that's a pretty balanced mix between praise and criticism. They're dismissed because it's still too much criticism.

A fan posts a review that's 99% praise with 1% criticism. That's still too much, with fans focusing on the single problem they had with the work and using it as an excuse to dismiss the entire review out of hand.

(As an aside, the argument that critics are "obsessed" with only saying negative things and that the only problem here is that they're "too" negative ignores the argument that... RWBY has a lot of flaws nowadays. Few are willing to acknowledge the possibility that it's not fans insisting on making things up to be mad about/ignoring the good parts of the show, it's the that show is, as of now, legitimately more of a mess than it is a praise-worthy product. If I'd been writing recaps in the Volumes 1-4 days, my work would have been skewed far more towards the positive. The critics' stance is that RWBY has gotten worse, which yes, results a higher volume of critical posts. To say nothing of how criticism takes far longer to explain, likewise resulting in posts focused primarily on that side of the divide. I really enjoyed the image of a crying Jaune reflected in his sword. I did not enjoy that moment's context. Saying that you liked an animation choice is a one sentence thing. Explaining the complexities of Jaune securing emotional moments, the problems with Penny's second death, the hurt many fans experienced watching an assisted suicide, etc. takes a whooole lot longer. Hence, you get massive, multiple posts about these nuanced topics and fewer, smaller posts about the details that are working well.)

A fan talks about a topic that has been metaphorically banned by the fandom as a whole. They have something good to say about Ironwood. They dislike something about Blake/Yang. They enjoyed Adam as a character. They have a problem with Ruby's leadership, etc. There's a whole list of topics nowadays that will result in an automatic dismissal, regardless of the point the fan is trying to make or how well they make it.

A fan talks about the minority representation of RWBY — its black characters, its queer characters, its disabled characters, etc. — and as a result has something to say about the biases and missteps of those writing these characters. This is considered an attack on the writers and, therefore, automatically bad.

A fan talks about how they enjoyed RWBY as it was years ago and is having trouble reconciling the dark, complicated story with the simple, hopeful one we started out with. This is seen as an attack on Monty's vision and an unwillingness to accept that "everything is planned."

A fan does as asked and ensures that their post is meeting all the requirements of "real" criticism. They have an argument to make. They have a point. They provide evidence. They recommend a solution. They keep their tone respectful. They don't attack the creators. They provide disclaimers in every single paragraph about how they do not hate RWBY. It doesn't matter. They're considered too negative.

I have, quite literally, seen every one of the above examples on multiple occasions. I have had many of the above accusations leveled at my own work. When fans say that they're fine with criticism provided it's not "bad faith" criticism, they don't actually have a specific post-type in mind; a checklist of behaviors another fan can emulate and, provided they do that, no hate will come their way. Or, if an individual fan does actually go, "Yeah. That criticism I'm fine with" that response is in no way universal. One person's "They make a good, civil point" is another person's, "Omg stop bashing the show!" Because "bashing" has come to mean everything from curse-laden insults towards everything RWBY has ever done, to posts that just happen to say something other fans don't agree with.

It's a rigged game. There is no way to post criticism about RWBY in an agreed-upon, appropriate manner. This recent ban is proof of that. I think it's incredibly telling that almost immediately after I was going, "Wow. A pretty calm debate about the flaws of RWBY in the main sub. That's great to see," all posters from the criticism subreddit were banned. The main sub literally just had the sort of criticism that they claim to accept — people respectfully posting analysis-based arguments resulting in calm debate — and yet they implemented the ban anyway. I'm not going to pretend that I've never gotten too heated on my own posts, never made snarky comments when I'm frustrated, never used exaggerated reaction GIFs that can come across as insulting... but I'd say on the whole my RWBY work is precisely the sort of "good faith" criticism that other fans are supposedly looking for. I never make an argument I don't think I can back up with evidence. I try to allow for the nuance and differing opinions of complicated topics. I try — even if I don't always succeed — to write in a clear, respectful manner. Yet none of that work has stopped people from telling me I'm a "bitter... raging asshole," a "deranged, delusional psychopath," telling me to set myself on fire, threatening to smash my head in, or just messages to straight up kill myself. If someone like me who legitimately works hard to create fair, defendable criticism and who only ever posts on a personal blog that people can easily block, who never engages in debate until someone else starts it first, never seeks out other fans I disagree with to harass them about what they like... if someone like me is still a "bad faith" critic who "deserves" that kind of hate mail... then what kind of criticism do people want?

Nothing. That's the answer. No criticism whatsoever, of any kind, no matter if it's delivered respectfully, is making a good point, whatever. That's why "RWDE" was created. That's why the critic subreddit was created. The community at large has demanded a complete separation between Praise and Anything That's Not 100% Praise, which has now resulted in this ban. Any other explanations we see are excuses, which becomes glaringly obvious when you look at the mods' supposed reasons for implementing the ban:

"Constant arguments with r/RWBY users" - As opposed to the arguments surrounding things like shipping that never, ever happen?

"Vote manipulation and comment brigades" - The subreddit with 3,000 participants, with around 200 on at a time, is manipulating the votes of a subreddit with 155,000 participants, with over 1,000 on at a time? Those numbers just do not check out. If a positive post is downvoted, or a critical post upvoted, maybe that's because large swaths of the community actually agree/disagree with that assessment, not because the incredibly smaller group is somehow manipulating things.

"Attacking and harassing those they disagree with" — Again, as opposed to those non-critics that never, ever harass people? This is an individual problem, not a community problem. Both critics and non-critics have their sub-groups acting in ways they shouldn't. If anything, the main sub will have more individuals harassing other fans, simply by virtue of being so much larger. As the above examples attest, it's not other critics who have told me to light myself on fire and, just to be clear, the asks I've responded to are a miniscule number compared to the amount I've received. I delete the lion's share for my own sanity and to save my followers from reading the really graphic threats.

"Months-long NSFL spam brigades" — I am, admittedly, not sure what this is referring to. Spamming of NSFW content? If so, that's also an individual problem.

"Homophobic, transphobic, and racist attacks towards our users" — See the above points. Again. If someone is being homophobic, transphobic, or racist, then yes please, ban them. Don't ban an entire community for the actions of a few. It's like walking into a store and banning a customer for causing a scene... but then also banning everyone else who happened to be shopping at the same time. It's guilt by association.

The silver lining to all this? The community as a whole isn't pleased. At least according to the main subreddit comments and a few individual voices like MurderofBirds. Despite the increase (from my perspective anyway) of critical voices post-Volume 8, criticism of RWBY is still very much seen as taboo. As this ban showcases. But it's really reassuring to see so many fans, critics and non-critics alike, going, "This was a mistake." A community is meant to include all aspects of engagement: praise, criticism, and the gray area between. If anything, fans like the mods of the main subreddit should be creating a separate subreddit that is specifically for praise. In the same way that there should have been a tag for RWBY praise, rather than trying to eliminate any and all criticism from the main "RWBY" tag. The majority of fans, even those who claim to hate critics and all they (presumably) stand for, recognize that a blanket ban of all criticism is not the way to go, especially when "criticism" has come to have such a staggeringly broad definition. If you want your RWBY experience to be nothing but sunshine and roses (ha), then cultivate your own internet experience to reflect that. Create your own pockets with rules about how this is the space for praise and if you're not up for praising RWBY right now, don't interact with us in this particular space. Don't try to make the entire community — the main tools used to discuss the show online — conform to your preferences. As established, there is no "good" criticism that everyone in the fandom will accept, which just leaves a fandom with no criticism at all. I'm glad to see I'm far from the only one who, when presented with that extreme, is going, "Nope. No thank you."

[iron--spider]

Okay, so. Cherry. I loved Cherry. 

Behind the cut is a review of sorts, with some spoilers and some loving and some bitching! It’s very, very long.

The reviews and responses have been rolling in for months now, and there have been a few notorious critiques that had me worried. As most people who follow this blog know, I’m not the biggest fan of the Russos, for reasons that are obvious lmfao. I was hoping this would be a different situation, especially since I’ve gotten to watch a LOT of interviews where they’ve discussed why they made certain choices in the film, why it’s so personal to them, etc. But the early reactions really got me nervous and I was worried they’d botched this one. I got an early screening on February 12th through American Cinematheque, and I went in looking forward to Tom and anxious about everything else.

 I loved it. I loved every single choice that was made, on every single level. I’d like to preface this by saying I absolutely hated the book. Sure, it had moments, shining lines here and there, but overall I felt nothing for the main character and the stream of consciousness and the way the events were presented. The absolute lack of an ending. When I read the book I already knew Tom was gonna be in the movie, so I was building what I wanted the film to look like in my head.

 The narration. I knew we would need that to keep the story grounded, to give it a center, and they included that and it worked so beautifully. Breaking the fourth wall. The entire book you feel like this guy is talking to you, and if there was anything to carry over, it was that connection with the audience, but they enhanced it by paring it down and using his eye contact and words to us sparingly. A solid, almost unreliable POV from the main character, which they included in spades with all their different stylistic choices, from the different lenses to the names of the banks and the authority figures to the lack of information about particular things to the quick cuts in certain places and lingering shots in others. The stylistic choices were one of the main things, if not THE main thing, everybody has been complaining about, and I was truly sitting here expecting something outrageous. But it all flowed beautifully, it all felt extremely purposeful, and none of it took me out of the moment. In fact, all of it immersed me even deeper in the movie and the story, and made the lead even more real. We were seeing it all through his eyes, through his feelings, through his changing circumstances. It was an EXPERIENCE to me, a journey that needed these particular choices. I feel like the whole thing would have been more of an uphill battle had they not done the six chapters, so that’s another choice I felt like added to the film in a positive way and made it better. It also highlighted the changes that the main character was going through in such an excellent fashion, and added to the whole ‘odyssey’ feel.

 Before I get into speaking about Tom, I will speak critically for a second. I’ve seen this thing four times now, three viewings before the review embargo was up and one after. I tried to watch it from a different headspace and see what they were talking about. My opinion never really changed drastically, but I can acknowledge some things. I loved the ‘breaking the fourth wall’, but I do think there could have been more of it. It enhanced the movie a lot for me and there were a couple more moments where I could have gone for it (though I think people do miss some of the eye contact moments, such as the one in the car during the whole thing between James and Pills&Coke). I think the entire bit in the beginning is absolutely necessary to get to know our character and understand where he’s beginning, what his circumstances are, but I do think it pales in comparison to the rest of the movie. I didn’t notice the first couple times, but while he’s in the doctor’s office discussing pain levels/PTSD, there’s a cut to the doctor that’s literally a millisecond long that was pretty unnecessary. I can also say that the scene with Tommy (drunk guy in the bar) was one of those moments from the book that didn’t need to be included, though it’s clear that they were trying to test the character’s mettle for the upcoming war he’d have to participate in because of his bad choices, and it was also a look at a version of what he could (would) become after he got home. But it didn’t really need to be in there.

 Those are literally the only things I “didn’t like”, and even then that’s the wrong phrasing, because I liked everything lmfao.

 Ciara was a casting choice I questioned initially, purely because she has such a young-looking face, but I was completely incorrect about doubting her. She killed it. She’s such a natural actress and she was able to meet Tom beat by beat in such a difficult story. Their chemistry was lovely. In fact, I loved all of the supporting characters and what they added to the story. They made the whole experience that much more real.

 Now, Tom. I mean. You guys know I love him and a lot of people like to say that if you have a bias towards someone, your opinion counts less when it comes to judging them. But I feel like there’s a reason why I have this bias to begin with, and it’s because Tom’s talent is just undeniable. He always pulls me in, he always makes me excited for what’s next, he is everything I want to see in an actor. He brought Peter to life in a way that had never been done before, and he uplifts every single movie he touches. This one really gets me particularly emotional because he’s said on so many different occasions that Cherry means a lot to him, because of the work he put in and because of the message it carries and because of the people he met and learned about during the whole process. I just—there are hardly any words big enough or meaningful enough to even describe his performance. It’s one for the ages. It’s agonizing and heartbreaking and mammoth. It is truly special. I know that they changed the book a lot, so this is based on a real person and his real experiences, but in the end it’s more of a composite of what Nico was at the time and not an exact replica—so I feel safe in saying that Tom, through this huge, powerhouse of a performance, created an entire person that felt so, so real. You can feel his past and all the memories in his head and the way he thinks about things. You can imagine what he’d say about something in a scene without him actually saying it. This character changes so drastically from the first scene to the last, and yet you still feel like you know him as he progresses through his journey. Tom expertly weathers every single nuance, every time the character experiences a moment that will push him further into darkness, every hesitation despite falling headfirst into such mistakes. I love Tom because he’s so subtle even in his bigger moments, and by this I mean he’s always got layers upon layers upon layers going on in each individual moment. Like the hospital scene in particular, after Emily’s overdose. There’s so much going on with Tom’s character there, from the deep horror in possibly losing the love of his life, to the heavy shame he feels in having facilitated her journey here. Just the way his voice hitches as he tries to help, while still hiding what they’ve done. The way he avoids the nurses’ gazes as he’s trying to connect with them to get an answer about her well-being. The way he almost deflates when he finally reveals that she took heroin. He is phenomenal. Every moment and every movement tells you more about this character, and that’s just down to Tom’s incredible talent. 

 Tom deep dives into every moment and commits fully. People have asked me what my favorite scene in this film is and it’s so hard because the entire thing is just a showcase of just how good he is. The bus station scene in particular stands out, because it’s one of those moments where he just truly disappears. The entire movie you hardly remember you’re watching Tom, but in that scene it’s like you’re there, like you’re actually witnessing this heart wrenching moment between two broken people. The way he shrinks into himself with that horrific shame after what’s happened to her. The complete and utter pain in his eyes when she tells him there’s no stopping what she plans to do. Tom never ever seems like one of those actors who knows what’s coming, who has rehearsed this moment or that moment over and over and over again. Everything is natural, everything comes as it comes and that’s why what he does feels so real. He isn’t acting. He is becoming.

 The Russos have said more than one time that they chose Tom for this role because he’s so likable and you feel empathy and sympathy for him, and that’s also one of the best changes from the book. The character feels so far from you in the book, you feel so disconnected from him, but Tom just has something that connects you with him, that makes you root for him. Every single time. He’s one of the most immensely watchable actors I’ve ever seen. If this was any other “indie” actor, any of the Hollywood favorite directors, I know this film would have been an awards darling. 

 That leads me to how critics are behaving. This movie was not the movie they made it out to be. They have loved films that are so much more outrageous in terms of story and filmmaking choices, and yet they’re acting like this is the craziest most off the wall thing they’ve ever seen. It’s really really whack and over the top to me. These ~film~ people, professionals and “film Twitter” have gotten it in their heads that as soon as someone is involved with Marvel movies that they’re suddenly damaged goods, can’t act, can’t do their jobs. I feel like Scarlett is the only one who’s escaped from this, with JoJo and Marriage Story, though the latter did get some slack, too. It drives me insane when all of these people writing about Tom are like “oh this is such a departure from Spider-Man!” No, Spider-Man is a departure from all his previous films. The vast majority of his movies are dramas. His first movie was The Impossible! But despite all this, critics love to shit on him and bring him down because he’s Spider-Man. It absolutely doesn’t help that this was helmed by the Russos, in fact it hurts the situation even more. Critics revel in bringing them down, in acting like they’re glorified for no reason. And like I said, they’re not my favorite, but these critics knew what their opinion was gonna be before they even watched Cherry. And they held onto that no matter what they actually felt. Thankfully, MOST of them are acknowledging how wonderful and impressive Tom was. But whatever score this movie has on RT now (a site that should be abolished, frankly) it doesn’t deserve something so low. 

 I understand film is subjective. But these people don’t seem to. I hate the gleeful “Cherry is bad!” bullshit, which goes beyond criticism so many times, is always extremely exaggerated, and acts as if because this particular person believes it’s bad, then everyone else should as well, and if they don’t, they don’t understand film. I’m tired of this shit and I’m tired of them underestimating and trying to stop Tom in his tracks. They want so desperately for this MARVEL BAD narrative to be true that they’ll rip these people apart whenever they get the opportunity. It felt very strange to have already seen the movie when the embargo was lifted, because it was like “did they see the same movie I saw?”

 After all that, I’d just like to say, do not be influenced by people like that. That’s what they want. They want you to listen to them and completely write off the movie, forgoing to see it at all. Please make your own decisions—if you love Tom, this is not something to be missed. He is a revelation. I personally, and wholeheartedly, think it was a beautiful movie. I’m gonna watch it again. It reminded me of so many of my favorites, and it rose above them too. It did not shy away from its subject, it is a cautionary tale, but it is told with love, with care and with kindness. It’s clear this was done by people who are close to the subject, who want people who struggle with PTSD and drug use to come out of the shadows they’re forced into and get the help they deserve. Cherry is so rewatchable to me, and it’s so staggering to see Tom just shine here. He is the best actor of his generation. And he’s only getting better.

[starkerintheparker]

starker reclist - canon based fics

Hi Starker fam! To celebrate my 900 followers I decided to finally start posting my humble and very personal reclist. I’ve been planning to do it for a while now but it got way bigger than I anticipated so I decided to split it in 4 parts and will share the first one today. I’ve been around for less than a year and there’s a lot I haven’t read yet so my plan is to update this list as I go. 

Under the cut is part I, solely is dedicated to canon-based fics. I’m a sucker for angst so most of my recs feature guilty!Tony, miscommunication, porn with feels and all that jazz. Hopefully you’ll be able to find something interesting according to your preferences. Oh and don’t forget to leave kudos, comments and spread the love for these authors :) Cheers!

Last updated: 2020/04/18. All new fics added will be marked with ***

• 10 Ways to Woo Your Boo by @darker-soft-starker (NR, 6k, completed)

Summary: By twenty-one Peter Parker had graduated college, scored himself a post-grad job and was a full-fledged member of the Avengers. He had his own apartment, paid his own bills and juggled his time between being a superhero and working enough to cover his rent. So long as Peter was armed with his ID, he was a full-fledged adult in the eyes of the law. Perhaps foolishly, he’d assumed it would make him an adult in the eyes of everybody else too. Keen to be seen as worthy of Tony's heart, Peter enlists the help of his friends and the internet in courting his former mentor.

Review: We all love Ash’s fantastic AUs but this lovely canon-based fic may be one of my favorite works by her. I will never know how she manages the fine balance between angst, humor and romance, I just know it hits me good and takes my breath away. Oblivious!Tony and Peter being a bisexual disaster at wooing, what do you mean this wasn’t in the movies? Sounds canon to me.

• 100-Point Restoration by Destina (T, 8k, completed)

Summary: Tony needs a happiness upgrade; Peter wants Tony. These goals might be compatible. (This story is set roughly five years post-Homecoming).

Review: I just realized this was the first Starker fic I’ve read, and it was back in 2017! I didn’t ship Starker at the time but this author must have done something right because for some reason I couldn’t take my eyes away. This fic is gorgeous. Tony’s voice is amazing, his dynamics with Peter are spot-on and organic - but nothing’s better than watching their feelings unfold, like a soft and warm humming just awaiting for disclosure.

• adult supervision by doveslayer (M, 20k, on hiatus)

Summary: Peter Parker should not keep drunk-dialing Tony Stark after midnight. But more pressingly, Tony Stark should not keep answering. In which Tony tries to convince himself he's doing nothing wrong. warning: underage!Peter tho pretty vanilla imo                                                                                        

Review: My favorite “everything is happening while nothing is happening” fic. Their voices are spot on, the dialogues are clever, and you can almost touch the tension with your fingertips. It’s been a year since the last update but even if this fic never gets finished I promise the read will have been worthy!

• Attached by @paspleurer (E, 7k, completed)

Summary: Tony gets it, he really does. As far as rebounds go, sleeping with your childhood hero isn't half bad. And if what Peter wants is this— just sex, with no strings attached— then Tony will give him this.

Review: Pleurer and Learned Foot have seduced me with the rebound trope. This is a lovely Tony POV with the good old pining + miscommunication combo, plus enthusiastic sex and sweet domesticity. What else could I ask for?

• Covet by RTC anonymous (E, 34k, completed)

Summary: Peter has a new boyfriend. Tony starts drinking again, for unrelated reasons.

Review: I read this fic when I was still warily lurking around the Starker fandom and it blew me away. The sexual tension is so palpable you can almost taste it. There is jealous, guity Tony failing at mentoring and a vulnerable, smitten Peter Parker trying to make sense out of it. RTC anon is a religion.

• Ephemeron by @ramblings-from-elsinore (E)

Summary: "Being around Ned, Peter's reminded how out of place he is. For Ned, the second ever appearance of aliens over Manhattan is the stuff of excited hallway chatter, of where were you when—? Ned’s world wasn’t blown apart and stitched back together. Because Ned doesn’t remember. No one does, except the ones who were there, who fought." AKA, "Tony's relationship with Peter may be unconventional, but they’re unconventional people who have had some pretty fucking unconventional experiences." In which Tony can't stop touching Peter to make sure he's real, and Peter dreams of being in Tony's arms and not disappearing.

Review: I started reading this fic before I joined the fandom and man, what a way to get pulled into this ship. Brace yourself for hardcore guilty!Tony being all over the place plus unhealthy codependency and touch deprivation, all the good things. Reading this is a spiritual experience but fair warning: this is not a happy story, at least not for a long while, so please mind the tags.

• Expiration Date by @learned-foot​ (E, 12k, completed)

Summary: Tony knows exactly what this is. First big breakup, go for a fling with a completely inappropriate person. It’s basically a cliché. He kind of thought Peter was better than that, but apparently being brilliant and one of the bravest people on the face of the planet doesn’t mean he’s immune from being a stupid college student who makes stupid college student mistakes. AKA Tony is sure this is just a fling, and he deals with that about as well as you’d expect.

Review: Ahh my beloved rebound trope and my first rec (out of many) by LF! Between a pining, insecure Tony making all the wrong decisions and a young and confident Peter unwilling to let him go, this fic makes your heart ache in the best ways. Good thing LF only works with happy endings!

• From Thy Bounty by @ibby-writes​ and feyrelay (E, 31k, completed)

Summary: Tony’s eyes are always dark, but now there's almost no iris left. He looks hollowed out. There’s something terribly hungry there, despite the feast they've filled themselves on.

Review: I’ve lost count of how many times I reread this insanely hot and ridiculously well written fic. Besides the A+++ characterization, there is delicious food porn foreplay followed by a breathtaking cat and mouse game that culminates with no less than 13.5k of intense and unapologetic sex with feels, my favorite kind. Enjoy the meal! ;D

***Gift of Choice by tuesday (E, 12k, completed)

Summary: Tony Stark had a thing about giving Peter stuff.

Review: This is my favorite fic by tuesday and the PERFECT rendition of our beloved sugar daddy trope. Great pacing, amazing dialogues and a breathtaking build up that makes you both smile and sweat in anticipation. They’re so in love I almost can’t handle when they finally get together. Sexy, hot and very sweet.  

• here is my hand, my heart by belatrix (E, 16k, completed)

Summary: Mostly, Tony had tried not to look. He still does. Try, that is. It’s just― it’s getting a little bit harder every day.

Review: I have a HUGE soft spot for this beautiful masterpiece, because it was the fic that finally made me join the Starker fandom. I’ve reread it so many times and it never fails to amaze me. Through an atmospheric non-linear narrative, this shows a guilt-ridden Tony Stark trying and failing to resist one determined Peter Parker who won’t take bullshit for an answer. Hot, and angsty, and breathtaking.

• I know that you got Daddy Issues (And I do too) by feyrelay (E)

Summary: The one where Peter’s blue balls save the world. Because, yeah? That meandering, blooming thing between him and Mr. Stark? That relationship that continues to be maddeningly legal, platonic, and above-board, but still somehow haunts Peter’s wildest wet-dreams? That might just be the key to Strange’s endgame.

Review: This fic is a love letter to those who appreciate an angsty and nuanced slow burn like me. Possibly the best character study I’ve ever read combined with a clever, well researched and intricated plot. Reading this will make you fall even more in love with Tony and Peter as individuals, before wanting them to be better together. Make sure to also check all related fics under the tag DIEU (Daddy Issues Extended Universe) - the Starker verse we fucking deserve.

• if I am the river, you are the ocean by sadonsundays (E, 7k, completed)

Summary: The one where Tony can't sleep and Peter can't stop his hands from shaking.

Review: This is a gorgeous recovery fic, painful and heartbreaking, yes, but still very gentle as Tony and Peter’s relationship quietly unfolds. Pepper is an absolute treat which was refreshing to me. I just love the quiet and angsty undertone that guides their journey until they finally find home in each other.

if you’d grant my love a pardon by belatrix (M, 2.5k, completed)

Summary: The first time, it goes something like this: “No,” Tony says, but it’s tired, half-hearted, not quite a denial.

Review: One of the reasons why I love this ship is that there’s always room for angst, even when they’re already together. This lovely yet heartbreaking fic mirrors Tony’s fragile heart as he realizes that as much as he should, he just can’t let go of Peter, not quite yet. Belatrix writes guilty!Tony’s headspace like nobody else and I just can’t recommend her writing enough.

• in the light of a dying star by @areiton​ (M, 6k, completed) fix-it

Summary: Extremis isn't a guarantee. That's what Pepper told him, as they took him off the bloody, dusty field. It was just a chance. A desperate gamble.

Review: I’m so glad I read this right after Endgame because this is the fix-it Tony and we all deserved, this fic is so comforting and beautiful. I really love the quiet, ethereal atmosphere and how it shapes our perception of time and character development. Peter is beautifully written and their get together made my heart ache in peace.

• In the Morning by @cagestark​ (M, 6k, completed)

Summary: Peter's pretty stressed. He isn't understanding physics despite all the extra time he is spending with Bruce. And underneath it all, something is wrong with Mr. Stark.

Review: Heart wrenching and painfully honest fic, where Tony is a jealous mess and Peter is his usual earnest, sweet and good self. They meet in the middle, and it’s quiet, beautiful and sad.  

• Kiss Me by @ironspi​

Summary: Five times Peter and Tony almost kiss and one time they did.

Review: This fic was such a lovely surprise! It begins unpretentious and it builds up to quality pining and unresolved sexual tension. Chapter 4 is particularly awesome, so charged and intimate. Kudos to the author for exploring Peter taking the lead and making Tony melt in his arms.

• Landslide by spqr (M, 8k, completed) fix-it

Summary: Peter jumps into the quantum realm with his heart in his throat. He steps out in 2018, on the edge of a lake he still has nightmares about. A hundred yards away over the water, the lights in the lakehouse are on.

Review: Morally ambiguous characters + angsty time travel? Count me in. This fic has a very interesting (and darker) take on Peter post-Thanos, in his raw and desperate grief over Tony. Bonus points for amazing dialogues and a fix-it plot so clever and believable I’m surprised I didn’t see it on screen.  

• lean on me now by @areiton​ (G, 9k, on hiatus)

Summary: He’s so tired, and he hurts, the kind of screaming pain he’s struggling to ignore now, and he wants to go home. But he can do this. He can sit and watch, and keep them safe. A wry smile tugs at his lips because he knows how ridiculous that sounds--a kid keeping Avengers safe.

Review: One of the best canon divergence fics I’ve ever read. It’s quiet, angsty and Peter’s voice is simply amazing. My heart breaks for Tony, but I’m so here for Peter & Rhodey’s brOTP, the fandom deserves more of it.

• noticing by @areiton​ (NR, 2k, completed)

Summary: “You deserve to be happy,” Rhodey tells Tony once, when Tony is drinking and conflicted and Peter is sleeping unaware on the couch. Tony watches him, eyes bright.

Review: How could I ever resist seeing Tony and Peter’s relationship development through Rhodey’s protective and thoughtful gaze? Any Tony stan should read this fic because this is the kind of love, friendship and support he deserves. Reading this put my mind at rest, knowing Tony’s cared for, and safe.

• Obvious by @learned-foot​ (M, 14k, completed)

Summary: When Peter wakes up, several things become very clear all at once: he’s underground somewhere unpleasant, something is messing with his powers, and his entire body hurts. A lot.

Review: WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP *victory dance* god this one is brutal, but we can trust LF to bring on full angst with an intriguing plot and A+++ characterization. I’m so here for protective!Tony doing whatever it takes to keep Peter safe, including all the confusion and heartbreak his problematic decisions may bring.

• Permission by @cagestark​ (E, 16k, completed)

Summary: During drinks with the Avengers, Peter admits that he enjoys orgasms more when someone is giving him permission, though since he's single, there isn't anyone in his life to offer it. Generous Tony offers to offer it.

Review: This fic is unique and so very hot, but don’t let the smutty summary fool you. There is also tenderness and FEELS in capital letters. Despite their arrangement, pining!Tony is so vulnerable and so completely in love with Peter it kinda breaks my heart a little, but thankfully Cage is a big fan of happy endings like me, so we’re all safe in her hands.

***Post-Endgame NYE by @darker-soft-starker (M, completed)

Summary:  Five years after the events of endgame Tony is resurrected. Months after that, he's still trying to find equilibrium

Review: Hands down the loveliest ‘flirting on a bench’ I’ve ever seen, and my top favorite NYE Starker fic. I love to see Tony facing an existential crisis while he navigates his new life post-resurrection, including the violent realization of ‘oh no, Peter’s an attractive adult now’. Gentle and gorgeous get together, kudos at Morgan for being a little devil and playing matchmaking.

• Proxy by @cagestark​ (E, 11k, completed)

Summary: Peter wants to know if Mr. Stark knows, like, anybody who’d be willing to make out with him. Things escalate from there.

Review: I have such a big soft spot for this fic because “by proxy” is one of my favorite tropes and Cage explored it masterfully. Again, this is pining!Tony at his best and Cage just has this ability to transform what once started as a sexy little thing into this soft and gentle love story, the kind that gives you butterflies in the stomach.

• Radar by @intoxicatelou​ (M)

Summary: Peter could say that he’s officially approached desperation, but he wants this, wants Tony, and he’s willing to do everything it takes. Or the one in which Peter tries to become Tony's celebrity crush from 2009 in order to seduce him.

Review: This is one of my favorites self-indulgent fics, I just can’t resist the good old “Peter’s seduction handbook” trope and intoxicatelou delivers it beautifully. This story is sweet, super fun and relatable af. There’s A+ pining, Peter being a bisexual disaster and MJ being the queen we all stan, shocking absolutely no one.

• Revelations by RTC anonymous (E, 127k, completed)

Summary: “I still don’t get it,” Ned says. “How you just... keep being ordinary in spite of all the craziness you’ve lived through. You were in space. You helped Iron Man save the universe. And nobody knows it was you.” His tone softens, becomes almost sad. As though he realizes that what he’s saying is so completely alien to him that he will never be able to understand this part of Peter’s life. “Peter, don’t you want people to know you for who you are?” An AU where they get the Gauntlet off of Thanos that first time, on Titan.

Review: I feel like I don’t need to justify this choice – almost everyone in the fandom has either heard of or read this masterpiece, it’s safe to say this fic is part of the Starker Training Wheels Protocol lol. If you have just arrived or is just exploring the fandom and enjoys slow burns I suggest you start right hee because it doesn’t get any better than this. There’s A+++ characterization, breathtaking pining, insane sexual tension and a very satisfying ending if I may say so. Definitely among my top 3 Starker fics. RTC anon, wherever you are, please know you are loved and appreciated. I’ll literally build an altar for you.

• Reversal by @learned-foot​ (E, 4k, completed)

Summary: Sometimes, Tony is the one who needs to be praised.

Review: For once Peter makes Tony just lie down and take 😊 the fucking 😊 praise 😊. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this fic all my life. This is the praise kink Tony (and we all) deserve, genuine, gentle and powerful. If you’re a big sap for their love like I am, you’re in for an emotional ride because this is overwhelmingly sweet to the point it brings tears to your eyes. LF is such a gift to this fandom.  

• Settling by @cagestark​ (E, 5k, completed)

Summary: Peter really wants to be taller than Tony. Heels help.

Review: One of my favorites by Cage, I still remember how happy and giggly I felt when I first read it. There is A+++ characterization, amazing dialogue, Avengers domesticity, praise kink, the hottest blow job and my favorite Starker first kiss. Oh, did I mention Peter in heels and Tony loving every moment of it? You’re welcome :D

• Stipulations by RTC anonymous (E, 70k, completed)

Summary: Peter Parker’s long term dream recently went from ‘get into MIT’ to ‘afford going to MIT’. As the time approaches, it’s dawning on him that he won’t be able to pay his tuition and afford the move to Cambridge all at once: he’s out of money, his secrets are beginning to pile up, and desperation has started creeping in... And then one night, he saves Tony Stark’s life.

Review: Another fandom classic by our irreplaceable RTC anon, this fic is SO GOOD I keep coming back to it and just recently I realized I’ve built all my personal Starker headcanons out of it, lol. A+++ characterization and hot, delicious pining is a given with this author, but I’m really here for that senses-dialed-to-11 trope, and RTC delivers it masterfully.  

• subtle by @areiton​ (T, 1k, completed)

Summary: Peter is not subtle. He wears his emotion, his excitement, like a flag waved bright red and teasing for a bull—impossible to go unnoticed, impossible to ignore. It’s adorable and it’s Peter, and it’s—in hindsight—why Tony misses the context clues.

Review: This fic is like reading poetry, a balm to the heart. Peter wears Tony’s colors and by the time Tony finally gets the context clues they fall together in the gentlest, softest way.

• Take it slow by tuesday (E, 13k, completed)

Summary: There were a ton of reasons dating Peter was a bad idea. Tony loved bad ideas. He was going to do it anyway. In which Tony thinks they're dating, and then they're dating undercover.

Review: This fic is so endearing it’s basically impossible not to cheer for these two, despite their usual infuriating communication issues, lol. But I promise all the angst and wait are worth it, because there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing how they (finally!) get to be on the same page.

• the record spins on the trails we blaze by @darker-soft-starker​ (NR, 5k, completed)

Summary: Years after the events of Homecoming, Peter thought all of the bad memories were well and truly behind him. After all, so much has happened since then - and he's happy now. Everything is kinda perfect.Turns out nothing stays buried.

Review: Hell yes! I agree HoCo’s events were particularly traumatizing and this trope is not as explored as it should be. To put it simply, this fic is something I didn’t know that I needed and Ash delivered it beautifully. It’s incredibly gentle, cathartic and honest, not to mention the lovely domesticity and understanding between the characters that will make your heart swell.

• Under Someone Else by @learned-foot (M, 7k, completed)

Summary: Peter realizes he’s just a rebound. And he’s okay with that, really. Or at least, that’s what he keeps telling himself.

Review: FEELS, FEELS EVERYWHERE. It’s so hard to choose a favorite fic by LF but this is the first that comes to mind because it introduced me to the amazing rebound trope. It’s so refreshing to see this ship’s potential for angst and miscommunication playing into the “fuck first, talk later” scenario. Warning for vulnerable boys being idiots and breaking our hearts but P.P.P.S they do eventually get their shit together and it’s glorious!

• Up for Anything by tuesday (E, 8k, completed)

Summary: When it came to Tony Stark, Peter would take what he could get. In which Peter believes he's just a rebound. (Not Endgame compliant.)

Review: Of course there’s yet another gorgeous rebound rec because I can’t get enough of this trope. Honestly, LF and Tuesday writing for each other have provided some of the best fics this fandom has, God bless them. This is another treat featuring pining!Peter and the usual “I can’t communicate properly how much I fucking love you”, but there’s also bantering, delicious dirty talk and so much affection that you’ll read it all with the biggest smile on your face.

[jacques-review]

“I Am Human”: The Spectacular Sha’Carri Richardson

Introducing the One and Only

Sha’Carri Richardson is the talk of the town, again. No, it’s not for her “10.72 seconds to win the 100 meters at the 2021 Miramar Invitational.” It’s not about missing the Olympics due to failing a drug test. Nor is it about the passing of her mother. No, this time it’s about her ninth-place finish at the 2021 Prefontaine Classic. This event was hyped up as being the ultimate showdown between Richardson and the Jamaican Olympic sprinting group led by Elaine Thompson-Herah.

In fact, I initially set out to write about Thompson-Herah. I wanted to say a few words about this amazing time in women’s sprinting history. Sure, there is Florence Delorez Griffith Joyner, also known as Flo-Jo, of 1980s fame. But she’s not someone that I can say I saw run although I was alive at the time. Besides Elaine, there is also the legendary Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce who is holding on to second place in the world at the age of 34. These two Jamaicans have made women sprinting enjoyable and fans out of us all (well, most of us)! I’m hoping to continue to see Elaine remain a dominant force in the sport for the next 3 - 4 years.

The more I observe the Prefontaine post women’s 100m reactions, the more I felt obligated to shift my writing focus from Elaine to Sha’Carri (Henceforth, Carri). My initial focus on Elaine was also due to the amount of attention Carri was getting despite the fact that she wasn’t the winner of the race. In a sense, I felt like Elaine’s moment was being dwarfed by Carri. The fastest woman in the world at 100m wasn’t being talked about as much as the last-place finisher.

I wanted to contribute to shifting the focus from Carri to Elaine. But the noise on the digital street was too loud and demonizing.

Birth of a Shooting Star

In the beginning (at the start of the year, of course), the attention being given to women’s track and field by the public wasn’t noticeable. In my usual circles and in the corners of cyberspace that I frequent, “not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.” The world, it seems, woked from its slumber to the tune of Carri running a 10.72 in April. Carri did it in dazzling fashion with long eyelashes and fingernails, and what I’ve come to refer to as fiery orange hair. From that point on Carri, as a U.S. track and field athlete, became the dominant talk of the world’s largest and most influential blowhorn, the U.S. media.

If that’s not true, it’s all I heard. Sure, other athletes were sprinkled in and match-ups were expected for the coming Olympics. But the U.S. media championed the image of the One that stood a chance of bringing Olympic gold in the women’s 100m. Her appearance played well with the cameras. She looked like a star, something special. Indeed, the legend continued as she ran a 10.86 to qualify for the Olympics in June. Thus, the superstar, the speeding comet, was expected to show up at the Olympics with at least a reasonable chance at winning some type of metal if not gold.

"I am an Olympian. No matter what is said ... I am an Olympian. A dream since I've been young. I'm pretty sure everybody's dream as a track athlete. "Being happy is an understatement. Being excited, nervous, all of those feelings. I'm highly blessed and grateful."  -- Sha'Carri Richardson

I Get High

Well, that didn’t happen. The U.S. watched its prophesied chance at gold (or any other metal) in the women’s 100m come crashing down in all her fiery Orange hair glory. But not due to a loss. Stopping Carri from running because of weed was absurd to the public. African Americans weren’t interested in hearing that an athlete was stopped in a competition as grand as the Olympics for use of a product that they believe would not have contributed to her speed at all.

See the following articles for reference on race and black athletes.

The Olympics has a race problem. Athletes everywhere are calling out the sporting body for a history of banning Black women. - Yelena Dzhanova

The Olympics Continues to Prevent Top Black Athletes From Competing - Molly Sprayregen

The Weight On Black Women In Sports; Plus, 'We Are Lady Parts' - NPR

At this point, let me say that I agreed with those that argued for review of laws in order to determine if time had made them inapplicable. This is especially true considering the rapid legalization of weed across the U.S. “Cannabis is legal in 18 states, and allowed medically in 37 states.” However, I have to highlight that when it comes to weed, it is “outdated to joke about it as a party drug, writing off users as slow, pizza-munching losers when many successful people consume cannabis. Cannabis is a complicated substance with a nuanced role in fitness, performance, and society.” Keep the nuanced aspect in mind.

I have no doubt that it would not have made Carri into a faster runner. But, I think it’s important to keep the dualism that allows us to look at both what we as non-experts know of the impact of weed and the possibility that science may make discoveries later that can shock us. It is also important to consider that the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) isn’t a sub-organization of the U.S. Therefore the demands being placed upon athletes must be seen as globally relevant (ideally speaking). This is true despite the fact that the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, in a letter to Jamie Raskin and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, stated that it “has consistently put forward recommendations that the rules addressing cannabis and cannabinoids should be more flexible and fair.”

Left (Far)Behind

Despite missing the Olympics a resurgence of interest was generated when it was announced that Carri would “face all three Tokyo Olympic medalists in the women’s 100m.” And all the world wondered after Carri. Well, at least in terms of what will be the result of the showdown in this supposed clash of the titans. I must confess that I don’t recall hearing or seeing that Carri was going to best all the members of the golden three-headed Jamaican *Leviathan. At the Olympics, Elaine Thompson-Herah ran a 10:61, Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce ran 10:74, and Shericka Jackson finishing at 10:76.

With Carri’s 10:72, she would have been competitive against Fraser-Pryce and Jackson if she was able to maintain that type of speed. This is theoretical, of course. What took place was a shock to the track and field world. It wasn’t that Carri was expected to win. She was expected to be better than ninth place. But that’s what happened. Carri finished at 11:14 while Elaine finished at 10:54. In other words, Elain ran faster than she did at the Olympics. This makes Elaine second only to Flo Jo’s 10:49 in 1988. Carri was a none factor. It appears that the star has fallen in dramatic of a fashion as she appeared.

Be Humble?

In response to the loss, Carri said to reporters:

"This is one race. I'm not done. You know what I'm capable of. Count me out if you want to. Talk all the s--t you want because I'm here to stay. I'm not done. I'm the sixth-fastest woman in this game, ever, and can't nobody ever take that away from me. Congratulations to the winners. Congratulations to the people that won, but they're not done seeing me yet -- period."  -- Sha'Carri Richardson

A good deal of critique, anger, and disgust came in reaction to what Carri said. Some believed that she wasn’t humble after the loss. They were surprised at what she said. Others pointed out that her interview was the most played despite the fact that she wasn’t the winner. There were questions as to why was she being interviewed at all.

What Now?

At this juncture, I will offer some considerations. Carri experienced a number of significant occurrences around the time of her ascent to fame. Again, her mother died. That’s a significant event. But then she was ban from the Olympics, the ultimate event for any professional sprinter, because of one of the methods she chose to use for grieving. Those are heavy blows. And throughout out it all, she was determined to maintain the same type of energy.

That Same Ol' G

"Even though I got my own CD maybe even on t.v. There ain't no changing me I can only be me me me Even though I might be on t.v. 'cause I got my own CD All you will ever see (that) same ol' G"  -- Ginuwine, Same Ol' G (1998)

In Ginuwine’s classic single Same Ol’ G, released in 1998 off of the Dr. Dolittle album, the singer reflects on being his authentic self despite being celebrated in the public sphere through compact disc and t.v. Carri wasn’t faking the funk. She was being real. She was being herself, that same ol’ g. It wasn’t a new persona that was on display because she was in front of all of the lights. Carri has been speaking with the same type of energy before her Olympic trials.

What does it look like being real for somebody Carri’s age and from where she comes from? Does being real look the same way across the board? Should you start acting differently because you lost or something else happens in your life?

The following are a few clips from her Twitter as evidence for how she has been speaking even prior to her Olympic qualifications.

You Wake Up, Flawless

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller We say to girls "You can have ambition, but not too much You should aim to be successful, but not too successful"  -- Beyoncé, Flawless (2014)

What if what looks like confidence for you is misinterpreted as arrogance by someone else? In other words, do our definitions always function accurately across the board and at all times? Sure, we can cite lexical meanings for humility and arrogance and attempt to apply them across the board. Can we make the case that it is time to start critiquing how do definitions play on the ground? I’m only simply pushing forward the argument that we have already been critiquing does definitions and they have shown up in our music, our clothing, and yes, the way we talk.

You wake up, flawless, Post up, flawless Ridin' round in it, flawless, Flossin on that, flawless This diamond, flawless, My diamond, flawless This rock, flawless, My rock, flawless I woke up like this, I woke up like this

— Beyoncé, Flawless

How does Beyonce’s flawless look like in the real world? What does #blackgirlmagic look like?

“Self-esteem means knowing you are the dream.” – Oprah Winfrey

"I was built this way for a reason, so I’m going to use it." - Simone Biles

"You are your best thing." - Toni Morrison

"One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals." - Michelle Obama

These quotes of renowned black women sound great on their own, don’t they? What if what we are seeing from Carri is a version of what that looks like in real life? To what extent can we say definitively that we understand her enough to know that she is arrogant? What if Carri’s defense mechanism looms large at the forefront due to what she experienced in the distant and recent past?

It could very well be that Carri is indeed arrogant. The happenings in Carri’s life may very well be lessons needing to be learned for personal growth and development. The case being made here is that a more nuanced approach should be had. The same amount of consideration given to already established persons should be allocated towards those that we haven’t yet thought of as being on the same level. The same ones saying she is arrogant may themselves be exhibiting arrogance in speaking in absolutes concerning one that is unknown.

Dear Mama

"Lady, don't you know we love you? (Dear Mama) Sweet lady, place no one above you? (You are appreciated) Sweet lady, don't you know we love you? (Dear Mama)"  -- 2 Pac, Dear Mama (1995)

How long does it take someone to recover from the passing of a parent? I can’t assume that we all have the same level of understanding concerning the complexity of loss. Carri lost a parent. How close was she to the mom? How close was she hoping to be to her mom one day? While the news was out that her mother died, it didn’t seem to play a factor in the assessments that were being made about her placing in the race. It should have been obvious right?

Here is a brief introduction to the complexities of grief.

Although grief is a universal experience that is shared by all human beings, the actual grief response in each individual is very unique, and the expression of grief can vary greatly from one person to another. Many factors, such as personality traits, the presence of concurrent stressors and previous losses, the nature of loss(es), and the social expectations that are present, have a great deal of influence in shaping the course of grief for an individual. (p. 26).

It is very important to remember that no individual’s grief experience will neatly fit into a single model, because there is much variation in how losses are perceived and also in how grief is expressed and worked through. (p. 34)

— Darcy L. Harris & Howard R. Winokuer, Principles and Practice of Grief Counseling (2015)

Epilogue

Carri has already said what she needed to say about herself. What we are witnessing now is simply a play out of a young women’s plight as she live out what it means to be who she is on a public stage.

*"Leviathan, Hebrew Livyatan, in Jewish mythology, a primordial sea serpent. Its source is in prebiblical Mesopotamian myth, especially that of the sea monster in the Ugaritic myth of Baal (see Yamm). In the Old Testament, Leviathan appears in Psalms 74:14 as a multiheaded sea serpent that is killed by God and given as food to the Hebrews in the wilderness. In Isaiah 27:1, Leviathan is a serpent and a symbol of Israel’s enemies, who will be slain by God. In Job 41, it is a sea monster and a symbol of God’s power of creation." -- Encyclopaedia Britannica

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[eldritch-elrics]

this summer, me and my brother watched four whole shows. at long last, here is my comprehensive review of all of them!

in the order we watched them, these shows were:

avatar the last airbender (ATLA)

mob psycho 100 (MP100)

demon slayer / kimetsu no yaiba (KNY)

fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood (FMAB)

they were all very very good!

i’m not going to try to rank them, but, as is probably obvious by the state of my blog, my favorite was FMAB :) if i had to pick a least favorite, then, it would probably be KNY—not by any fault of its own, but just because it didn’t appeal to me quite as much as the others. still a very good show!

i will review each show by:

giving a quick plot-based pitch discussing the show’s hook or appeal

discussing one element that i believe it does better than any other show on this list—in other words, a quality that i think it stands out for

discussing one element that didn’t appeal to me or that i had issues with—a criticism

putting forth my favorite character and favorite episode or arc, just for funsies

including various other commentary. mostly positive, as, again, i did really like all of these!

(i’ve tried to make this whole thing free of specific spoilers, but if you’re planning on watching any of these shows and want to go in more-or-less blind, it might be best not to read this.)

first of all, i’d just like to discuss all four of these shows as a whole! it was definitely interesting watching one after another and noting similarities between them.

all of them have siblings in them! which is, perhaps, fitting, as i watched them with my brother

two include a pair of siblings in which one has powers and one doesn’t (at least at first), and part of the narrative involves getting better at using those powers (ATLA, MP100)

two include a narrative centered around a pair of siblings and something tragic that happens to them, resulting in the older one being traumatized and forced to train to become a soldier, and the younger one turning into something (arguably) inhuman. the protagonist’s major goal is to return his younger sibling to the way they were before (KNY, FMAB)

ATLA and FMAB are both fantasy political dramas, which is rapidly becoming a favorite genre of mine

most of these are historical, or historically inspired in some way, which is interesting!

all of these shows are really really good at character building. all the main characters are interesting and complex, and the relationships between those characters are similarly nuanced and very well written. they make you really care about both the protagonists and the side characters!

avatar: the last airbender

pitch: as the ever-growing imperial force of the fire nation threatens the earth and water nations, a kid from the long-lost air nation turns up and it turns out he can control all four elements and he has to save the world and all that. sorry i tried to write this pitch like five times and realized that well at this point i think everyone reading this will know the plot of avatar

stands out for: avatar has possibly the best worldbuilding i have ever seen in a show—it takes the time to introduce us to so many places and aspects of its world, both explicitly and subtly. the main highlight of this is the magic system. by creating a magic system based in body movement, the process of using magic and learning to use/control it better becomes immediately obvious to the viewer. combine that with the philosophy behind each type of bending and the way that characters take bending inspiration from types different than their own, and you’ve got a system that is complex, flexible, believable, internally consistent, and just plain fun! it makes action sequences a blast. i especially liked the moments when bending was stretched to its limits in totally logical ways (metalbending, bloodbending). not to mention the way that bending is seamlessly integrated into the world of avatar! the example that comes to mind is the earthbending-powered transport system of omashu. a whole essay could be written on that topic alone!

criticism: i know this is a sentiment shared by many people, but the first season was kind of boring to me. some of the humor and the plots felt hit-or-miss. of course, it needed to take that time to establish the world, and it does a great job of doing that. it just didn’t hook me until the second season.

favorite character: i love toph she’s so much fun :) iroh is a close second! and zuko is great, too, of course

favorite arc: i loved ba sing se a ton, especially the episode when they get there and everything feels off. it felt so resonant with real life, in a very fun way. there’s a reason “there is no war in ba sing se” is a meme…

other commentary: what can i say? it’s a classic for a damn good reason. the plot is tight, and it does a great job raising tension and introducing new elements and twists. i also love the care put into the antagonists, especially azula, who has a fascinating arc.

mob psycho 100

pitch: a middle schooler and a charismatic con artist team up to smite ghosts using extrasensory powers. thing is, only the middle schooler actually has ESP, and it happens to be really, really powerful. can he navigate the difficult world of middle school while also getting a better grip on his powers—and his bottled-up emotions?

stands out for: the way that MP100 uses animation is excellent. it takes a little getting used to but it’s just so fun, combining all sorts of different techniques to create an experience rich with drama and emotion. it’s playfully exaggerated and self-parodying, adding to the show’s fantastic sense of humor as well as its truly emotional moments.

criticism: the way that ESP works makes suspension of disbelief tricky. it’s a great feat to introduce a character who is essentially all-powerful and still make them interesting (even in fight scenes), but at times (especially the second season finale) it felt like a magic system with too much breadth and too few limitations. this might just be my bias for hard magic systems talking, though.

favorite character: other than mob and reigen? probably teru. he’s loads of fun AND all the season 1 episodes he’s in slap hard

favorite episode: the one where the girl asks mob out on a date as a dare.. it’s super cute

other commentary: thank you mp100 for being the leftist propaganda we all deserve <3

in all seriousness though, this show is a blast!! it does a great job switching between silly and serious in the blink of an eye. i also really appreciate the way that it balances comically huge stakes with much smaller, more personal stories. for example, the conflict between mob and reigen in season 2 is especially well-done. in general the emotions just feel so real? characters whose emotions tie into their powers are an excellent trope, and mob is a wonderful protagonist who exemplifies this really well.

finally, on a more critical note—there are so many characters in this show! and it feels like only a handful are fleshed out? however, this may be due to the fact that it’s not an adaptation of the entire manga (which i haven’t read). there’s a lot more to go! more characters to dive into! so i probably shouldn’t try to critique it in the same way as a finished work.

demon slayer / kimetsu no yaiba

pitch: demons kill a boy’s family and turn his sister into a demon, so he decides to try and figure out a way to turn his sister back into a human. what follows is a demon-killing adventure that’s in equal parts harrowing, poignant, and hilarious.

stands out for: there’s not much i can say about this other than “please just take a look” but the art and design is phenomenal. it does a much better job of integrating 2D and 3D than a lot of other animated series, and overall it is just so so pretty! all the character designs are complex, memorable, and fit the characters perfectly. the color choices are interesting and satisfying. i also really like the sound design? not often that i notice that in a show. i’ve watched so many KNY amvs by now lol it’s just amazing animation

criticism: the narration style leans too heavily towards tell instead of show. this is mostly an issue with the first few episodes, but i got super annoyed by how much the show would narrate every single one of tanjirou’s thoughts instead of letting us infer those thoughts through his actions and reactions—the latter, i think, would have been more emotionally impactful. sometimes silence speaks louder than words! tanjirou was also not the world’s most compelling protagonist in my opinion, though i think that mostly has to do with my own tastes.

favorite character: *holds up zenitsu* I Just Think He’s Neat. i actually kind of lost it when he first used his powers, like… damn i love characters with weird relationships with their magic like that. i also think the narrative about how having a solid foundation is sometimes more important than knowing a ton of different moves was really powerful. and he’s just funny! pathetic boy i love him

favorite arc: really just the whole spider arc. fucked up man… i love it. they pulled off that last twist so well, and all the family stuff was so weird and complex and emotional…

other commentary: it’s just a really solid and very well-written show! the team of tanjirou, zenitsu, and inosuke is so much fun… bro bonding :) i also quite like the horror elements; it’s fucked up but in a good way. finally, this is very specific, but the demon that can alter buildings/rooms through drumbeats? appealed to me very much. it’s a cool and unique power!

fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood

pitch: two kids do some fucked up alchemy and end up getting parts of their body stolen by god. now they’re on a quest to get their bodies back, but find themselves wrapped up in crazy government conspiracies and alchemy more powerful than they ever could’ve imagined…

stands out for: plot. by this i mean less overall concept (though the overall concept is pretty great too), and more that the pacing and progression of the story is extraordinarily tight. for the most part (the first few episodes are a little weak but i’ll let it slide), it does an excellent job establishing its premise and building on it logically, adding layers and layers that extend naturally from what we already know. everything has a reason for happening; everything is revealed in good time and all the twists are super satisfying. there’s great balance between exciting moments and quiet moments. it’s just very good at being a story!

(fun fact: i’m reading the manga right now and so far it’s even better paced than the show, which is super interesting! it’s especially good at how it lays out pieces of the backstory and then fills everything in later in a really satisfying way.)

criticism: this is incredibly specific but it’s what comes to mind as something that bothered me: winry’s character arc was really disappointing. for most of the series she’s a pretty strong character, but in the end it feels like she gets pushed aside, defined only by her relationship with ed. what happened to her wanting to take action more? that was a specific desire she expressed—wanting to be less passive! since she’s such an important character, i wish she could have had more presence in the last season other than as a sounding board for the elric bros’ emotions. (even though her one scene in the last episode was really good and emotional…)

favorite character: other than the elric bros, absolutely ling. he fits into multiple of my favorite character archetypes (fun, silly, bastard, gets possessed…) and he’s just overall a delight. plus his relationship with greed is really really good. bro bonding at its peak!! (my other favorite is pride. i will not say why because spoilers. but if you know me.. you know)

favorite episode: this is really really hard to choose but i’m gonna go with envy’s death because. holy shit.

other commentary: i’m a really big fan of the complex and nuanced way in which FMAB breaks down militaristic, imperial regimes from the inside. many of the characters have done awful things, and the story forces them to grapple with that and accept that all they can do now is be better in the future. the moral complexity is just really good! characters with flaws—we love to see it!

finally, parts of this story seem so so catered to Me Specifically that it’s no wonder i got so into it. like just the entire premise? the way that so much of the conflict is built out of identity crisis and exploring the nature of consciousness and human vs inhuman? beautiful. i love ed and al so much

*

if you made it all the way to the end, thank you so much for reading!! glad to have finally gotten this done (3 months late…) and put all my thoughts down. i hope this inspires someone to try watching one of the shows i discussed!

[victorianoir]

Just finished the latest chapter, thank you! that was such an awkward talk, yikes, I have to say, I was upset with Devon, but now I'm really upset with Ellie, I know she loves Sarah, and that Chuck's on a rut, but really Ellie? first he's taking advantage of him and then he's undeserving? that was a some crappy sister behavior, sorry to say, she's supposed to be the one that knows his full potential and never doubting him that he really does deserve someone like Sarah Walker...

Honestly, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I think y’all readers aren’t taking Ellie being a real person with real person feelings very well. Someone left a review just now and said it really well. Ellie’s either written in fic as uber bossy and overprotective, obnoxiously so, or she is written as someone whose only character trait is getting Chuck and Sarah together and squealing about it. So for people who haven’t actually watched the show in a long time, and who only read the fics where she’s one of those two things, I get why Ellie wouldn’t be folks’ favorite character.

But her character is actually really layered and wonderful in the show, which is why I adore her so much, and that’s why I decided to respect her enough to let her be human in YuleTie. Honestly, if a friend of mine kissed my brother in front of me and then they admitted they slept together, I’d be like WHAAATTT THEEEEE FUCKKKKKK??!??!?!?!?!?!?! Granted, my relationship with my brother isn’t the same as Ellie and Chuck’s relationship. But still, like, come on. Your best friend and your sibling? ANY HUMAN BEING would be like UUUMMMMMMMMM WHAATTTT?????? 

This isn’t like canon where Sarah meets Chuck first and they “date” and she meets Ellie after that and there’s this tentative friendship and bond that forms that then becomes an actual genuine friendship. Sarah and Ellie meet each other first in YuleTie, become fast friends, BEST friends, and are super close best friends for two whole years before Sarah and Chuck realize their feelings for one another. So this is a super jarring situation for her. 

Maybe I didn’t accomplish as much nuance as I tried to have in Ellie’s explanation for why she was shocked about Sarah having feelings for Chuck. So I’ll try here. She is well aware that Chuck is a great guy, the best dude. He’s super cute, he’s smart, he’s talented, and he has a shit ton of promise. But all of those set-backs with Stanford and shitty Jill took his legs out from under him, stuck his self-esteem in the gutter, and basically made him stop reaching for more. And honestly, IN CANON, there are times when he acts like the typical 20something guy living with his sister and her boyfriend stuck in a rut loser. As fantastic as a person as he is, as much as he cares for people, as cute as he is, as king as he is, and as funny as he is. He has no real goals or ambition, because he’s in this state of “WHY? WHY DOES IT MATTER?” Because he got kicked around, sure, but also ... it’s a character flaw of his, an almost immaturity. And Ellie sees it better than anyone because she’s right there watching it happen and knows him better than anyone. And it frustrates the shit out of her because even without his Stanford degree, he could get A DEGREE still, or he could find a better job, or keep trying to sell these prototypes/programs of his. And he just doesn’t do that. He farts around at the Buy More, then comes home and plays video games with Morgan. 

So yeah, her super accomplished, go-getter, traveling, adventuring, sweet, warm, funny, RIDICULOUSLY GORGEOUS best friend who she loves like a sister having romantic feelings for Chuck is a shock to her. Not because she thinks he’s undeserving, per se, but because he’s just gone so long in this slump and ignoring her attempts to get him out of it, her attempts to push good women towards him, that Sarah seeing that and latching onto it as hard as she apparently has makes Ellie like “excuse me WHAT?”

I’d ask you (with full respect for your opinion, you may just not be reading it the way I tried to write it and that happens!) to maybe look at it again. Ellie sees his full potential better than anyone, which is WHY he makes her so frustrated and upset with his rut-behavior. 

As for her thinking Chuck might’ve taken advantage. Come on now. Chuck’s a man. And again, Ellie knows better than ANYONE Chuck’s flaws and the fact that he is a MAN means he’s capable of letting Sarah control that narrative without expressly stopping her. Anybody should think that about anyone they know, but especially a straight dude who you’ve just seen making dreamy love eyes at the woman in question over a trivia game. Yes, Ellie made a mistake, but I want to write an Ellie Bartowski who is capable of making mistakes. She’s flawed herself. She jumps to conclusions, like any real person would. 

I adore Ellie Bartowski so much, and I wanted her to be as human as possible in this, and it’s kind of disappointing me reading how uncompromisingly angry people are getting with her, as if she needs to be above realistic human reactions to startling situations. As if she always has to be 100% ready to be like CHARAH CHARAH CHARAH in every situation, canon or AU. As if that’s her only function.

I hope you don’t take this personally. I just wanted to explain my intention with Ellie. I saw you have a second message as well, so I’ll address that one too.

[causticameracrap]

i hate that my life has come to this.

i was so happy* early this year............ apart from the body self-loathing in january.  * (did this mean that life was perfect? absolutely not. i was still very much in my grief, very much feeling slighted and abandoned. but i wasn’t angry at myself. i didn’t hate myself. i was rightfully angry at circumstances outside of my control.)

i deserved better.

i was so excited to progress. i was excited for my future. i was excited to finally become someone who Might Be Someone, or Might Make Something, or Might Mean Something. but now... i don’t have anything to look forward to. what i thought would be certain is no longer, and may never return. i’m doubting myself and my abilities, after Finally, Just Fucking Finally beginning to trust in myself and value myself. and my mental health feels like it’s taken multiple steps backward. i’ve progressed in and with my grief, yes, but everything else has slid so fucking far down that’ll take Another series of years to get back to what was once baseline. and that baseline i need to claw back to is already so lacking and demoralizing already. 

the BPD prevents me from seeing myself objectively. and for a while, i was managing it. i was seeing what others saw in me. i wasn’t listening to the Other Self that hates themself. i could fight back. but now... i don’t see my own successes that other people exasperatingly point out. they don’t matter because they are so small so they don’t exist. it’s been too long since i felt meaning so it doesn’t exist and it won’t exist. you aren’t successful so you are a failure. you are not loved so you are unloved. you are not any of these things so you are nothing. there are no other choices. there are no other ways to view yourself. there is no nuance in the void.

i want to be someone like Daniel. i want to achieve in Everything i set my mind to. i want to be good at Everything i can possibly do. i want to be one of the best at Something. i want to Matter to a lot of people. others point out that this is unreasonable to expect so much of yourself, that it’s greedy to reach for all of the figs from the tree, but there Are people who can! there are people who Do! there is Daniel and so many more like him. and they are rightfully celebrated for being multi-faceted and Incredible.

but i’m not, and rightfully so, because i fall so laughably short. my achievements are so small compared to others, who are way closer to Daniels than i am to even them. instead of being good, really Good without a doubt, at something... i am above average at a few, average at many, and below average to failing at many others. and now that i’ve put a name as to why my brain fails at what other people can conceive so easily, i feel even more of a failure.

i know deep in the back of my mind that i shouldn’t compare - especially now being self-aware at discalculia, and how it encompasses so many things in daily & academic & professional life. but i Have to compare. i Want to be better than average. i Want to matter. (is it so wrong to want????) i feel so poorly about myself because deep down i know i Can and Should be better. i Should and Can be the person people think i am.

and it hurts because i know i Could be that person... if things were different.

.... i hate that i wasn’t given a fair shot at life. it seems i was cursed from the womb. i wasn’t aware of all of the things wrong with me, but they were always there and i know them now. i was depressed for most of my life. and part of that is just being in an environment with an abusive mother who belittles and threatens you all of the time. and part of that is having the beginnings of various personality disorders, again exacerbated and likely caused by the abuse. and then the learning disorder that i didn’t even know i had, because thru sheer force of will i passed the usual landmarks that are usually the indicators / red flags, but... if i had gotten help with that sooner. if i could have gotten more help understanding spatial awareness. if i had been told that it wasn’t my fault that my mother was acting this way sooner. if i had been comforted or loved unconditionally. if i had been treated more kindly. if i had been given a safe outlet for my emotions, whether in therapy or literally with anyone i could trust. perhaps... my life would have been different. perhaps my life would have been better. and not perhaps. I Know My Life Would Have Been Different. i would have been Stronger. i would have been Smarter. i would have been more Successful. i would and could have been anything. but that wasn’t meant to be. and it’s not fair that it wasn’t.

some people are grateful of their neurological differences. i’m not. art... the creative life... i would honestly trade it away to be “normal.” yes, i said it! the most important aspects i’ve valued in my life & life’s journey are truly not that important at all! the only reason i wanted to go the road less traveled was because i knew my brain and myself wouldn’t be able to succeed there. i am afraid of failure. that is always my primary motivation: i am afraid of failure. if i was “normal,” i could succeed in the normal things. i could have went the STEM route like everyone else i fucking know before art school ruined my second shot at life. i could have had a more stable life. my creativity is meaningless in the face of a better self. 

without every single fucking psychological issue (and there are So Many them and i am so Frustrated that there are so many of them because i’m So Fucked Up, despite all the progress i’ve made), i would be in a stable relationship. it would be easier to love myself. it would be easier to trust others. it would be easier to put myself out there in the position to create love with someone else. as much as i am lonely, i am so afraid of being rejected. and any chance i have taken has been met with failure. how could i not equate that with me being unworthy of love? how could i not just fall into despair and distance myself? i Hate that it Would have been different. living with someone in reality instead of fantasies in my head.

writing and creating art is a way to deal with my pain, but if i didn’t have the pain... if i wasn’t depressed & abused & a fucking idiot... i Wouldn’t have a Need for art. if things had been different, there would be no subject, no reason to entertain that path. my real artist statement is pain - self-inflicted and self-endured. rarely, it has included other’s pain, but it is always negative. no wonder my art means nothing to so many. who wants to wade thru someone else’s fucked up mind with no real end goal? who wants to wade thru body of work after body of work describing the same old shit, and not even executed well? i certainly don’t blame them. look at the photo over there instead.

truthfully, my first love was space. during elementary lunch or library times i would sit against the walls that looked so big then with space books as thick as my arm. i would read about saturn and hug it to my chest. i would excitedly tell facts about jupiter and all of its moons to my friends. i would watch star wars on laser disc every other week, looking up in wonder at the ships sailing thru space and time, wanting to wander so easily just as they did. but my brain would never be able to handle it. as soon as i learned what was required, i knew it would never be. that was the first time my heart was broken. everything else in my life has been settling. that’s right, art is just something i settled on.

if i was looking at the stars, discovering things... i think i would Actually be happy. analyzing the photographs of distant nebulas and planets, instead of the bullshit i’ve snapped on my own. writing about our place in this galaxy, and how it relates to countless others, instead of focusing on my own life - which obviously means absolutely fucking Nothing in the scope of everything. (and i would be okay with that!) working on a telescope, instead of all the broken aspects of myself.

i wouldn’t even need to reach the summit. i wouldn’t need to be floating in a space station. i would be happy on the ground. i wouldn’t need to be a director. i would be happy behind screens and buttons. i would be happy as a body of many. because i would matter to myself first.

there with space... i wouldn’t be caught up in whether my art is better / is worth more or the same than another’s. i wouldn’t be overwhelmed with insecurities and artistic imposter’s syndrome. i would be working in the Objective. this thing exists. this is a specific phenomena. it is now being given a name. it is now being studied. you are now studying it. it is now being reviewed. if there is critique, you will address accordingly. you don’t have to worry about whether or not someone has an emotional or financial connection to it - a person either believes or doesn’t. the study is either sound or un-sound. the work is either published or unpublished. the mission is either a success or a failure. procedures are either followed or not. you are either looking or you aren’t. these are the blacks and whites you can handle. this is how your brain operates.

it’s easier for me to write off a dumbass who refuses to see beyond the shadows of a cave, than someone who doesn’t like my shadow and prefers the puppets of someone else. i can’t handle the subjective. why are my shapes worth less to you than his? aren’t we using the same fingers? aren’t we projecting on the same cave? why do you believe in those truths more than mine? i can’t handle the critique of my work because it Must be tied to myself and my pain. if you can’t understand the work, you can’t understand me. if you don’t like the work, you don’t like me. there is no separation between the created and creator. perhaps this too is a lack of spatial awareness. perhaps it is not the BPD holding me back but discalculia yet again. maybe it was the culprit all along. i wish i had realized it sooner. 

the truth is, i shouldn’t be here in these circles. maybe i was never meant to be here. truthfully, i wish i wasn’t here. if there was a way to slide into that alternate timeline, Over Somewhere Else to live the Other Mica’s life, i would. i would and i would never look back. 

there’s nothing i’ve gained from being different. and i’ve made nothing of it. if i could do it all again with another build, i would. even if my upbringing remained the same, if those points could be put into the traditional AP route: the calculus & the physics & the SATs & 4 years & the degrees, i would. then every resulting choice would be different. every resulting outcome would be sound. i would be someone else. and i would be Someone.

[clarenecessities]

so shit’s fucked

here is a timeline

09/03/2019.

two people in a 70 person server discuss the SU movie in the general chat channel, using spoiler tags because it had just recently been released. this lasts five posts.

09/07/2019.

alyson comes into the general chat channel and says man, isn’t it a bummer that SU is n*zi apologia and racist and actively harmful?

Donnie says yes, it’s harmful, but drop the n*zi comment because RS is jewish (alyson does not, then or the other two times donnie asks, despite donnie being jewish himself). He later says he doesn’t care about SU at all

Synth says it’s understandable that people would drop the show because of poor handling or the racism issues, but agrees that n*zi is too far when there’s genuine propaganda out there

Beta says yes, the writers could have handled things better, but reducing the message of the show to “n*zi good” is a deliberate misinterpretation

A fourth person comes in briefly to say they also don’t care about SU and that this should probably be in the discourse channel.

About halfway through the conversation, after his second request to stop calling SU apologia was met with a sourceless insistence that other jewish people criticized it (though alyson did not specify whether they used the term n*zi apologia), Donnie told her she was taking this very personally, which Alyson met with “Am I? I said a thing, said it was unpopular, and left it. and then got swarmed?”

At this point she held ~46% of the conversation.

She then abruptly left, saying, “like. Hooooboy, there's so much assuming and passion and defensiveness going on here, so I guess I'll leave since I've seen this all before and know for a fact that no one is going to let it rest.“

She held 41% of the final conversation. Everyone who weighed in was either explicitly open to criticizing SU or completely indifferent, and were simply asking her not to refer to the work of a Jewish nb woman as n*zi apologia.

09/10/2019

Alyson writes a post. The introduction is more or less “if you uncritically like SU, unfollow me” and goes on to say she underestimated how few people in the neopets fandom recognize its harmfulness. She says she’d been thinking about leaving the Neolodge discord for a while, but her mind was made up on the 3rd when she saw "a lot of hype and support" (5 posts), four full days before she posted in the general chat. She says she "was swarmed by questions asked by people who didn't want to hear [her] answers." (there were two questions asked of her: “did you just kind of want to get mad at us for enjoying steven universe?” and “were you venting?")

She says that SU is her “litmus test” of sorts, implying--possibly by accident--that she was then testing the Neolodge by dangling some SU-discoursey bait. 

The post was tagged #the problem isn’t liking a thing and #it's denying anyone from not-liking it for very valid reasons

Except the problem was demonstrated to be specifically that she was asked not to use a particular term to describe that not-like

7 months later, 4/16/2019

There is a Neolodge board on our own neopets.gov. Alyson shows up and is polite & sociable until more people that she recognizes filter in. She neomails hollis to broach the subject of what had happened in september, saying “from what i remember it was mostly synth who was very reactionary and aggressively posting at me because i criticised steven universe“ which, if you’ll review the logs, is both not about synth, who only posted twice (probably an honest mistake), but also grossly mischaracterizes the nature of the incident. Over the next day or so she and Hollis discuss the nature of the lodge and what transpired in September. Hollis emphasizes that the Neolodge has never been a place for bigots or their sympathizers, and Alyson goes radio silent.

4/24/2019

Alyson writes a new post. It tells a different narrative than we see play out in the logs. Her summary of events is as follows:

So, when wondering on the chat if anyone else was critical of the franchise, instead the chat suddenly sped up and i was swarmed by a bunch of anti-criticism fans who almost immediately -instead of reading my beginning attempts to elaborate on where i was coming from- posted over and over again that rebecca sugar is a marginalized voice and as such, immune to criticism, and how dare I insinuate a jewish woman of writing nazi apologia.

To reiterate, she began a discussion. Every person who responded was either openly critical of SU or indifferent. They were not suggesting RS is immune to criticism because she’s marginalized; they were in fact largely agreeing with the criticisms that Alyson raised, but asking her to be more conscious of the impact her choice of terms could have (and in fact was having).

I (a neurodivergent, mentally ill, pansexual aromantic woman, aka also a marginalized voice) was talked over and treated as if i ate babies. Obviously, I left the neolodge discord after that.

Again, she held 41% of the conversation--and by her own admission had already been planning to leave the Neolodge, and had thrown down this final ‘litmus test’ despite not wanting to engage with the results.

Now, obviously marginalization isn’t a contest. There’s no “I have more problems” or “I have worse problems” that will ever get us anywhere constructive. As I said in my own reply to her post, this was not a matter of RS being untouchable because she’s marginalized, but of Alyson’s behavior when asked not to draw the comparison between RS’s work and literal N*zi apologia.

Hollis refused to read and think about what i had said and the information i linked to, despite apparently going back in the discord chat and viewing the whole mess, where i had also laid out information to back up my observations.  Instead, my voice talked over, my words and concerns discarded, I was treated as if I had committed some heinous act, and if i had changed as a person then maybe they might let me back in to the neolodge.

Now being privy to the entire conversation, I can assure anyone reading this that Hollis read & thought about everything Alyson said very seriously. We had an in-depth and nuanced discussion, and ultimately realized that this was not simply a matter of whether or not SU is a poorly handled cartoon or full-on apologia. It was a matter of Alyson’s unwillingness to engage in a discussion she herself began, her repeated refusals to respect the comfort and wishes of our Jewish members, and her later misconstruals of the conversation as a ‘bombardment’.

Alyson insists she did not call RS a n*zi, and that critiquing the show is not equivalent to doing so, but unfortunately ended that thought with this:

Words mean things: look up apologia.

Now, I’ve already pointed this out, but apologia means “a formal written defense of one’s opinions or conduct.” Thus, every time Alyson has insisted SU is actual, literal N*zi apologia, she means that a Jewish nonbinary woman conceived of and executed an explicit defense of fascism, n*zis, the H*locaust, regardless of how involved she was or wasn’t in the production of the show itself.

Personally, I choose to believe that Alyson herself is unaware of the definition, and instead meant that SU makes excuses for fascism, or alludes to n*zis, or much gentler (if still harmful) language. I choose to believe that she’s conflating it with an apology, and simply didn’t follow her own advice.

The Neolodge is home to actual children/minors/underage people and most of the people in the incident were younger than 21. That is children.  I was getting annoyed at young non-adults. 

This is blatantly false. The Neolodge has always been a minor-free space, and there’s been discussion of upping the minimum age to 20. That Alyson herself is 30 may have skewed her perception, but as you can see in our response to this angry anon, we have always been concerned with the protection of minors & the promotion of a safe, comfortable atmosphere.

Alyson goes on to say that she had liked & trusted Hollis, and this came with no prior warning--presumably because Hollis had been polite and even friendly when she came to our board, and they hadn’t interacted much over the previous months since her exit from the discord.

So if you’re like me, and don’t put up with bullshit, and refuse to lie down and let bigotry get further footholds into western culture and be lauded for it, consider staying away from the neolodge and users like hollis and synthaphone

I still don’t quite understand how we got here, tbh. People standing up against a stark refusal to respect someone’s comfort as a Jewish person has somehow been skewed to mean they’re the bigots, and “western culture” is in danger, specifically from this gay nb & their nefarious lesbian pal, who spoke the least of anyone in the conversation.

I can’t speak to what’s going through her head right now. I don’t even know if she read the replies enough to know she was spreading misinformation about the Lodge’s age restrictions, let alone her (hopefully accidentally) drawing an obliquely antisemetic portrait of RS. I’m not even mad at her at the moment so much as confused. I genuinely don’t understand her rationale or what she thinks would motivate us to do the things she says we’ve done. I don’t think she’s a bad person, or even that her actions would be unfair if the situation were what she’s purported it to be.

But the fact of the matter is, it isn’t. She tried to start a fight seven months ago and has been hanging onto it since, convinced that she was in the right, never considering the express opinions of the people she claimed were so passionate about the show she so loathes. She’s attempting to drag Hollis’s name through the mud because they were kind enough to give her a chance to explain her side of things & she squandered it by instead parroting the talking points of the video we had all watched back in September, when she originally posted it.

She’s throwing Synth in for good measure, because they’re the only person she could be bothered to identify.

It’s not a true account of events, she made no effort to have a good-faith conversation at any point (particularly about her own behavior), and frankly it’s unfair. It’s easy to dump snippets of DMs and announce that you’re blocking anyone who disagrees with you, sure--it can even be good for you. But in this case it’s more of what we saw all those months ago in the discord, when she tried to stir the pot and left after scarcely 30 posts had gone by; it’s cowardice. It’s a way to frame the narrative in such a way that she can maintain her illusion of moral superiority, secure in the knowledge that everyone who has criticized her or her behavior is a bigot and and writes n*zi "apologia” apologia.

She’s isolating herself from the community one group at a time, and I still don’t know why, because she won’t talk to me about it. She won’t talk to any of us about anything that isn’t SU, and I don’t care about SU. I care about her & her motivations, and I’m starting to accept I’m never going to truly know either.

[battlekidx2]

Star Wars the Clone Wars (2008) Thoughts and Review

With season 7 of the clone wars fast approaching I decided to give the series a second shot. The first time I started watching star wars the clone wars I dropped it. I am so glad I gave it a second chance. I watched it chronologically this time around which made a significant difference in the experience. The first time I watched it the show felt incredibly disjointed with characters who had died much earlier suddenly getting introduction episodes and the timeline was all over the place with closing episodes for arcs happening before opening ones. I couldn’t understand why so many people liked this show that was so all over the place, but now that it’s been a few years and there are many lists on how to watch it chronologically returning for the show seemed like a must. This is a truly great cartoon with amazing writing, animation, and characters. It’s a deeply tragic tale where the heroes don’t win every battle. You know the outcome and yet you can’t help but be enthralled by everything that happens. The show becomes steeped in grey the longer it moves along and decidedly doesn’t deal with the absolutes of black and white, light and dark. This show managed to blow me away even though I came in having heard all the praises that were thrown its way. I highly recommend that anyone who hasn’t watched this show go out and start right now.

Animation:

There was a rather large jump in animation quality in season 4. That’s not to say the animation before wasn’t impressive just that it became even better. The character animation is where it was most noticeable. I wasn’t a big fan of Count Dooku or Chancellor Palpatine’s character models at the start, but after the animation bump they were much better. From the clothes, to the hair, to the facial expressions. The character models for everyone were much better. The hair moved now! All jokes aside the clone wars seems to have an endless well of finances for the animation. There were so many different planets and character models utilized throughout the show’s run that there’s no other way they could pull it off. (It was rather famously financed by George Lucas) Considering the last season was released in 2013 I can easily say the animation still looks better than a lot of shows today. I had heard that the animation was good, but I wasn’t quite prepared for how good.

Standout Arcs:

Landing at point rain - This is the episode that really hooked me and made me think this show was something special. There were losses and the plan didn’t go the way our characters wanted. Obi Wan was struck out of the sky and put out of commission because of his injuries. The large scale battles and 3 separate storylines following the 3 generals were all juggles very well and, while not the morally nuanced storytelling that the Clone Wars became known for, it was still a well made war episode that showed the grueling nature of it and what was the start of what was to come. 

Padawan Lost arc - This arc made me realize how much I loved Ahsoka. Not saying I didn’t like her before just that I hadn’t realized how much I had grown to love her character. These episodes did a good job of showing Ahsoka’s growth and how capable she was without her lightsaber, master, or army. The intercutting of the discovery of the other taken padawans that were never searched for with the council telling Anakin not to look for Ahsoka, but to trust in the force shows the disconnect that the Jedi council was beginning to have even with its own order. It shows that their rules against connection was, in a way, pushing them away from the light. This was the beginnings of showing how the order has lost its way. I found myself worrying over Ahsoka and her well being. I wanted her to succeed and come out the other side with the other “prey”. Which was an excellent juxtaposition to the council. Ahsoka lets her attachments help her protect the other prisoners and they get to escape because they act as a unit disproving the council’s decisions on connections. It’s fascinating that an arc that seemed at first to be disconnected to the main theme of the series became intertwined with it. I really like how the clone wars can turn your expectations on its head.

The Umbara Arc - What can I say about this arc that hasn’t already been said. Wow, just wow. This arc is incredible and showcases everything that makes the clone wars great. The animation in this four episode arc is phenomenal and some of the best 3D animation I’ve seen put on TV. The clone wars excels at showing large scale fights and this is no different. It was a marvel to look at. There were so many dark themes that were within this arc. The clones having to come to grips with the corruption of their leader and their own ability to choose despite how horrible the choices they are left with are. The revelation that they were shooting on their own troops in “Carnage on Krell” was harrowing and my shock mirrored that of the clone troopers themselves. The betrayal and hurt that all the troopers were feeling was clear as day and the realization at what they had to do to Krell, a leader they were programmed to trust, not only foreshadowed order 66 but also showed that casualties of war aren’t just people but also beliefs and worldview. The growth that the clones, especially Rex and Fives, underwent was amazing. These two became some of my favorite star wars characters with this arc. Fives with his staunch beliefs that he and all clones should stick to what they believe to be right and Rex with his realization that his loyalty and programming were misplaced, that everything that he believed and fought for may have been a lie and corrupt all along. We’ve seen the senate treating the clones like objects and products, but to see the reality of it on the battlefield was a different experience entirely. When they took Umbara it didn’t feel like a victory for the clones or to me. It felt hollow and saddening. We know how this all ends and having the clones humanized in such a way makes everything that happens later all the more hard hitting. This arc was truly great and it alone makes watching the clone wars worth it.

I also really like how it was a reversal of order 66 with the jedi general betraying his clones. It showed that clones banding together can take down even a prepared jedi, alibi an overconfident one. The conflicting emotions that the clones go through when disobeying their orders opens nuance to order 66 and their possible refusal to carry it out. The struggle of going against their programming is at the focus of this arc. The eventual retcon of this struggle by having the control chips in their brain is simultaneously something I don’t like and something I think makes sense. I don’t like it because it removes the implications and possibility to disobey the order on the clone’s end, but it also would be poor planning on Palpatine’s part to let everything hinge on the clones obeying their programming and not question it. The chips also lead to some of my favorite episodes with fives discovering order 66. This doesn’t effect my love of this arc I just wanted to voice my opinion on this point.

Darth Maul Ascendant arc and the Lawless - This arc was phenomenal. I don’t know what to say. I loved just about everything about this arc. From Darth Maul and his revenge against Obi Wan to the fall of Mandalore by its own hands. This arc was beautifully tragic. Nothing went right in this arc for anyone. Obi Wan couldn’t save Satine, Bo Katan couldn’t save Mandalore, Maul couldn’t save his brother or himself. The most popular shot from the episode “The Lawless”:

Perfectly encapsulates how futile and (once again) tragic this episode is. Obi Wan is just a silhouette against the backdrop of explosions and fighting. He’s so insignificant and small. He can’t win. He can’t save Mandalore. No matter how hard he tried. He’s just one person in the middle of this mandalorian civil war. This entire arc is filled with shots and scenes that are like this one, beautiful to look at and yet portraying immense tragedy. And I think this juxtaposition was intentional. You can’t take your eyes away despite all the horrible things happening before you. I think these episodes were some of the best animated content I have ever consumed. There are quite a few clone wars arcs that make me feel this way, but I think this is my favorite or at the very least contains my favorite episode in “The Lawless”. It is easily something I will never forget.

Ahsoka on Trial - This arc is masterful in how it juxtaposes Ahsoka and Anakin’s journey’s. Both have to deal with their disillusionment with the jedi order and the perceived lack of trust the order places in them. With the ending shot (shown below) of Anakin and Ahsoka foreshadowing through lighting the path their choices will bring them down. Ahsoka has a lit up sky behind her while Anakin has the looming, dark jedi temple behind him. Ahsoka continues down the stairs into the light having turned her back on the growing darkness within the jedi order and tentatively towards a path we cannot see but has at least some brightness and hope. While Anakin is stuck going back to an order he doesn’t have faith in feeling like he has failed his task in protecting Ahsoka. This arc is what the show felt like it was culminating towards with Ahsoka. We knew something was going to happen that would take her out of Anakin’s life before the events of Revenge of the Sith, but the way this played out was better than I could have imagined. I couldn’t help getting emotional over Anakin and Ahsoka parting ways and knowing how Anakin’s story plays out just added to my sadness over it all. There is also a very interesting parallel between Ahsoka and Ventress. They are both force wielders that were betrayed by the order that they followed and seeing their interactions after all this time was fascinating. I also couldn’t truly argue with Barriss when she voiced her reason for attacking the jedi temple. We’ve seen through all our main characters the shortcomings of the jedi and the corruption within the senate that the jedi work with. What Anakin says in Revenge of the Sith “From my point of view the jedi are evil” suddenly makes so much more sense after watching this series and especially this arc. This managed to add so much to the prequel trilogy, at least in my opinion.

Fives and Order 66 - I can’t believe the show decided to show someone actually discovering the truth behind order 66. I was rooting for fives throughout this entire arc and was shocked and sad to see he died so close to getting out the truth (despite knowing that he wouldn’t succeed). I had grown very attached to fives with all the episodes he was a part of and liked how his sense of duty was to doing what was right and saving as many lives as he could showing how despite the clones being programmed they all had different interpretations of their programming. This arc showed how capable the chancellor was at covering his tracks. He had a hand in every event that transpired during this series and yet has everyone fooled in one way or another. No one really knows the truth about him. After the episode “Orders” I had to pause the show, sit back, and let what had just happened sink in (like with many other episodes). How could this show tell storylines that I knew were doomed to end only one way and yet still completely emotionally invest me? And I think that question is just a testament to how good this series really is and how good this arc is. 

I will say that easily the weakest episodes to me were the ones focusing on the droids such as R2D2 and C3PO. I like them as support characters, but their spotlight episodes were a slog to get through and I probably won’t rewatch any of them. The good news is that these are far and few between, but there is an arc with them in season 5 that I’m not too fond of especially since the rest of season 5 was phenomenal. There were also a few senate based episodes I struggled through, but most of them I was interested by because of how you could see the corruption and how the senate themselves had begun to see the war as a chance to profit and saw the clone troopers as disposable, easily renewable weapons. It was at times fascinating.

Characters:

Ahsoka - I love Ahsoka Tano. I’ve heard that she wasn’t well received upon her introduction. I’m not entirely sure why because I didn’t have a problem with her in the clone wars movie. She wasn’t my favorite, but she had a lot of room to grow and I wanted to see what they would do with her. The very premise of Anakin having a padawan is fascinating to me because while we know what she isn’t around for revenge of the sith we don’t know why. Is she killed? Does something drastic happen that removes her from the story? Does she stay a jedi or fall to the sith? These were all possibilities and thoughts that I had when I started watching the clone wars. I made sure to stay away from spoilers because I like it when I get to watch something unfold. Ahsoka’s arc is fantastic. We get to see her transform into an idealistic, overconfident youngling to a calm and confident jedi. She, like Obi Wan and Anakin, goes through trials and sees her faith is the Jedi order shaken. The disillusionment and what paths it takes them all on is really interesting. Unlike Obi Wan who still wields and believes is the light side or Anakin who wields and falls to the dark Ahsoka becomes something in the middle, not light or dark. They all portray the different paths that their disillusionment can take. Ahsoka’s decision to become something in the middle echoes the sentiment that you should not deal in absolutes, which is a message within the series. Ahsoka’s decision to leave the Jedi order and forge her own path is what I feel the story was always culminating towards with her. This is why I’m excited for Ahsoka vs Darth Maul in season 7. They are both former apprentices that were betrayed by the order that they had sworn their loyalty towards, but while Maul focuses on vengeance and continues down the path of the dark side, Ahsoka focuses on the future and taking her own path separate from the light or dark. They are perfect opposites to one another in how they dealt with their similar situations. Ahsoka is the perfect example of the idea that the power doesn’t matter, it’s what you do with it. She chooses to still do what she knows is right despite not wielding the dark side. I’m really happy that she survived the series and the empire’s reign. I can’t wait to see what they do next with her.

Obi Wan Kenobi - I really liked what they did with him in this series. We got to see how his emotions did clash with his rigid adherence to the jedi code. His most telling moments were in his greatest failures. Even in the darkest times he didn’t lose hope. He continued to believe that a better future was possible in spite of all of his loss. And I think that is admirable. Because we are so often given characters that are either overly idealistic or overly pessimistic and I can understand both of these archetypes, but Obi Wan has seen the worst of people and lost so much and yet he still maintains hope and I think that is powerful. It may also be because I am a huge fan of Obi Wan. But his hope also has its downsides even within the show because it extended to his belief in the jedi order and their code. It prevented him from being with the one he loved and creates a divide between him and Anakin where they can’t really see eye to eye. The dynamic between him and Anakin is amazing and made my rewatch of Revenge of the Sith and their battle within the film so much more heartbreaking. Obi Wan is a character that has to do something and help where he can, much like Anakin, but where Anakin is brash and reckless Obi wan is calm and diplomatic. They are set up as amazing foils to one another. I just love how much this show fleshed out Obi Wan’s character and showed more to him than the movies got to. This show did a fantastic job with Obi Wan and made his transformation from who he is in the prequels to who he is in the original trilogy make much more sense. (I highly recommend SUPER FRAME’s review of this show. I really agree with his thoughts on Obi Wan in this show)

Anakin - Anakin is a character that unlike Obi Wan I wasn’t the biggest fan of coming into this series. I didn’t hate him, but I much preferred his Darth Vader counterpart. This series changes this and I now like Anakin much more and find his fall to the dark side to be just as fascinating as his life as Darth Vader. We get to see that he really does want to save everyone and how his attachment and possessiveness lead to him doing horrible things even from the very beginning to protect those he cares about. His protectiveness becomes closer and closer to possessiveness as the series progresses. This is most noticeable after Ahsoka leaves the order and Padme decides to work with Clovis. Anakin is controlling and demands/orders her to not work with Clovis. He tries to take away her choice in the matter. This is eerily close to who he is in revenge of the sith even if it is just for a moment before it gets shoved back down. All of these moments (once again) make his turn in Revenge of the Sith very believable because it’s clear that he can be capable of the things he does in that film and onwards. He was always teetering on the edge and he just needed a push to start his descent. The tragedy of Anakin Skywalker actually became a tragedy.

This entire show seems to be a story of disillusionment, of loss, of tragedy. What starts out to seem like a tale of triumph and valor is revealed to be a facade for the bleak reality that is war. Even the “good guys” have lost their way. Time and time again we see the council and senate make decisions that aren’t what would be considered the right thing to do. The senate looks at clones like products. Disposable, reorderable weapons to wage a war that they themselves are safe from as long as they stay on Coruscant. The Jedi order has lost their way. They are no longer peacekeepers, but weapons and warriors that perpetuate war by siding with the republic. They can’t help planets like Mandalore because they side with the republic, planets that tear themselves apart and are their own worst enemy. They are supposed to help the people and the further into the war they get the less people they can protect and the more people that die. The clone wars is known to be a tragic tale where neither side wins and both were manipulated. This show perfectly captures the tragedy. I couldn’t help, but understand Barriss’ scorning remarks about the Jedi Order by the end of the series while still sympathizing with Anakin, Ahsoka, and Obi Wan’s desperate attempts to do what is right in spite of their terrible circumstances.

There is too much about the show that I want to talk about and this could probably continue for much longer, but I can’t endlessly add to this if I want to get it out before season 7 airs. There were some fantastic arcs like the mortis arc that I didn’t talk about and that’s because I wasn’t sure where to start with them. I would like to maybe later come back once I find the words and talk about them. I found this show got better with almost every season with season 5 being the best, especially since almost every episode was in the correct order. There were many highs within the series and it managed to expand a lot on the Star wars world, characters, and mythos. I liked how they brought Maul back and what they did with Ventress. Maul was something that easily could have gone wrong and Ventress is a character they easily could have just written off or killed. These are two risks that I felt paid off and there were many more. It took risks and managed to effectively comment on the justification and morality of war. It has arcs I find to be some of the best I’ve seen in animation and left me awestruck. I cannot wait for the 7th season. I’m so glad this show is getting the opportunity it deserves to end properly and tie up its loose ends. I will watch the episodes as they drop and I hope everyone who reads this will as well.

(I apologize if some of this seems jumbled. I think I may have a concussion so writing this was a bit more difficult that it should have been) 

[sunstone-nerding]

“TDP Book One: Moon” Book Adaption Review

My feelings on the "Book One: Moon" novelization can be summed up in one word: disappointed. In a few more words: disappointed, often ticked off, and a few times, outright angry. I know that sounds dramatic. But I care about The Dragon Prince universe, possibly more than I should. I was looking forward to this book for more details about the world and insight into characters' thoughts.

Nerd rage to follow. You have been warned.

To put in plainly, the book does not read like a finished product. It needed editing…very badly. The word choice is often overdramatic, and sometimes outright wrong. The first instance that jumped out at me was in the preview of Chapter One that the staff posted on the official website:

“The rain stung [Rayla’s] cheeks [as she chased after the guard]. The putrid smell of the storm overwhelmed her senses.  She’d never felt more alive.”

Here are my earlier comments on the preview. As a reader, this was not a good start, but it turned out to be indicative of the rest of my experience. Since this book is supposed to be for kids, I expected shorter sentences and simpler words; however, I also expected accurate word choice. I actually took a pencil to the page and trimmed or altered the writing as I went. Here’s another example of incorrect language, from when the assassins extinguish the lights before charging up the staircase:

“Just then, a howling wind blew through the staircase, deep and strange and oddly warm. One by one, the sconces and torches fizzled out, leaving the entire tower in sudden darkness.”

Ignoring the redundant phrasing: a sconce is the bracket on a wall that holds a torch. It is never on fire and therefore cannot be snuffed out. These are simple mistakes an editor should have corrected. Though, considering Aaron Ehasz' history with one editor at Riot Games, the Scholastic editor(s) probably did point out these mistakes. I assume he ignored them. That’s tragic, considering the people they brought in from the publishing house were either TDP fans, or had loved ones who were.

Because of these mistakes, I cannot recommend the book to anyone who is learning English, unless you keep a dictionary close by.

Another huge problem was how the book relayed information to the audience. Often the perspective just doesn't make sense. One glaring example: While in Rayla's POV, the book describes the shadowhawk arrow as though she has never seen one before, even though we know she lives with the guy who makes them. Also, she is somehow skeptical that the bindings will tighten on their own, even though she has trained with assassins for years?? What happened to “magic is all around, like sayin’ you’re in nature” (paraphrased)?! I get that Aaron and/or Melanie were trying to explain things to an audience who perhaps hadn’t watched the show, but...it would not have been difficult to phrase it differently. (It took me ten minutes tops to revise the part about the arrow.)

My final gripe is about some of the characterization. First, Viren’s perspective reads as 100% Evil Advisor Trope. I was ridiculous and it pained me. I could pull examples, but honestly I’m embarrassed just thinking about the scenes. If this is how part of writing team views Viren, the other writers and Jason Simpson made invaluable contributions to his character.

Regarding Rayla: her viewpoint seems childish. She admires Runaan, but is also intimidated by him to a degree that is unhealthy for someone of her age. She is 15. Any normal teenager is gonna start resenting their parental figures well before then – and we know how sassy Rayla can be. This may have happened in the book adaption because the target audience is younger than two out of three of the protagonists, but that can’t be all. You can pare down vocabulary and still convey nuance. 

And the Moonshadow assassins…Let’s just say there were some unnecessary changes. Changes that removed Runaan’s attempt to maneuver Rayla out of trouble (thus showing how he cared about her, under the stern front), cut out some of Rayla’s agency, and made the other assassins act like bloodthirsty hecklers instead of, you know, professionals.

To be clear: I don't mind some scene and dialogue rearrangement. Prose is a different medium, and a writer needs to adjust accordingly. But this book reads less like that, overall, and more like someone decided to write their own version of The Dragon Prince’s story without anyone else’s input. Were any of the other Wonderstorm writers allowed to read the manuscript? Did anyone perform a lore check? The inconsistencies are irritating.

Visually, the book is beautiful. It has very nice illustrations and an elegant layout. We got a more detailed map, too. But all the graphic design work couldn’t make up for the disappointing and often frustrating content. The writing seemed to improve after the kids left the Banther Lodge, but not enough to overcome my accumulated grumpiness. I stopped reading weeks ago, and couldn’t bring myself to continue.

An animated TV show is a collaborative effort. The writers, director(s), visual designers, actors, and animators all contribute to the final product. Writing a book should be a collaborative effort, too, on a smaller scale. It’s not only the author(s), though they do a lot of the work. With this prose version of The Dragon Prince Book 1, it is obvious to me that Aaron Ehasz and/or Melanie McGanney Ehasz either did not seek or did not heed constructive criticism. They’ll need to start listening to their editors before I, at least, consider buying the second book adaption.

[blazehedgehog]

I kinda see what you're saying critique-wise, but I do think you're being a tad harsh. I'm an old FF7 fan, and fan of turn based rpg's as well, but most of the changes I'm privy too seem to make sense. I have yet to see that ending (I won't until I play it) but the new battle system, the art style, everything I've seen in trailer and demo feels... Familiar but new, and I take that as a positive. I already have FF7, just a graphics upgrade doesn't matter too much to me. I like getting more stuff.

I feel like I have been cautiously accepting of most of Final Fantasy VII Remake over time. I don’t love the changes they’ve made, but I haven’t ever, like, written the game off or anything. Even when it came to the battle system, while I wasn’t a fan of some of the decisions after playing the demo, I watched other people play it to gain further insight on what I might be missing.

To say I am being “a tad harsh” is to judge me on the standards of knee-jerk reactionary internet fan boys, when my opinion is a little more nuanced than that.

I have always tried to give this game the benefit of the doubt at every single possible step of this process despite vocalizing my distaste for every decision they’ve made so far because I am a crazy Final Fantasy VII mark. I am even considering breaking my normal rule of “Wait until a sale” to buy FF7 Remake when it comes out, because I’d like to write a review for it.

(Unfortunately, I have two reviews on the docket already, so I’m still mulling the decision over in my head.)

Here’s the deal: changes don’t have to bother me. It’s pretty much expected that, if they are remaking the game, there will be changes. There were changes to Resident Evil 1, 2 and 3 when they remade them. It’s kind of what you do.

It’s just, like I said in this ask…

There’s nothing wrong with broadening your appeal, you just can’t sell off the soul of your product for it.

But then, what is the soul of Final Fantasy? I don’t know if I can answer that. A couple months ago, I stopped and looked back on the entire franchise and realized I only really like four Final Fantasy games out of a total of 15.

I have personally played FF1-9, played a demo and watched a complete Let’s Play of FF10, played a demo of FF13, on top of watching a complete Let’s Play of FF13-2, and over half of Lightning Returns. I also played a multiple different demos of FF15, including the one that’s just the opening 2-3 hours of the game.

To get deeper in to the weeds, I finished Final Fantasy 1 on the GBA and it instantly became my favorite Final Fantasy. I played about halfway through FF2, also on the GBA, before getting bored with its bland characters and clumsy battle system. A friend gave me his copy of FF3 on DS, and I played it for about an hour before deciding I wasn’t in the mood at the time. I have yet to be in the mood. 

I have finished FF4 on both SNES and DS. I have fond memories of the DS version despite the fact it is almost unfairly hard at points. I played the fan-translated version of FF5 on SNES up to the third map before deciding I didn’t care about any of the characters or the world – again, very by the books, though I suppose on some level it wrote some of those books.

I made it up to the final boss of Final Fantasy 6 on GBA just last year, fought it once and lost. Decided I was too unimpressed by the rest of the game to try it a second time. That was definitely a game whose zeitgeist outweighed the game’s actual quality. I did not hate it, but I definitely didn’t fall in love with it. I am an acquaintance at best.

I put 100+ hours in to Final Fantasy 7 from 1997-1999. I did nearly everything in that game, by myself, without a guide. I pushed most of my party to level 99, learned all their limit breaks, got all but one master materia, defeated all of the weapons, and even engineered a materia setup that let me cast Knights of the Round in an endless loop for zero MP. I destroyed that game front to back, inside and out.

I played Final Fantasy 8 up to around the start of the second disc (when you get the first “airship”), and could not tolerate the disjointed story or the awful characters any more than that. I’ve never looked back. I played Final Fantasy 9 up to the third disc via Blockbuster rentals, but at some point some gremlin decided to destroy the third disc, rendering the game unplayable on my machine. I enjoyed what I experienced, but I never saw how it ended.

I do not think of FFX fondly. Or anything related to FF13. Or FF15. That final FF15 demo feels like it has dialog written by a space alien failing to approximate earth language, and I got bored of it long before the demo itself ended. A friend has been nagging me for years to play FF12, and I have it on Switch now, but I haven’t had the time to start it.

Regardless, I have played a lot of Final Fantasy, and I only really like 1, 4, 7 and I guess 9. I have definitely wrestled with the idea that maybe Final Fantasy just isn’t for me as a series.

But at the same time: Final Fantasy almost WAS for me, at one point, and the fact that they keep straying further and further and further away from what I liked about the series means it’s valid for me to be bummed out about it. You’re welcome to like it for what it is, but it doesn’t mean I have to.

And Final Fantasy VII Remake definitely makes changes in line more with where modern Final Fantasy as a series has gone. That’s my whole problem.

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Cringe Worthy

I've been trying to finish Ingrid Goes West for months now. This thing was on my list to see in theaters but it was only dropped for about a week here, at one theater, upon it's initial run. Sacramento is getting better at his type of stuff but we're still country as f*ck so we don't usually get the smaller, performance driven, independent films like, say, real f*cking cities. It's such a frustration because Sacramento is the whole ass Capitol of California. Suffice it to say, I rejoiced when I found it on Hulu. In this, the stupidest apocalypse ever, I has all the time in the world to see this film.

The Good

Aubrey Plaza as the title character, Ingrid Thorburn, was exceptional. I love Plaza in almost everything she decides to do. I don't think  have ever seen a performance that was overtly horrible. Plaza ha this earnest weird energy to her which infects every role that she's in. She doesn't just play herself, there are actually characters behind that cringe, but its definitely there. Plaza was able to harness that chaotic energy and deliver one of the most quietly unsettling performances of a deranged person, I have ever seen.

It's weird seeing Elizabeth Olsen outside the MCU. Wanda wasn't he first role I saw Olsen in, that belong to the mediocre Oldboy remake, but it is the role I associate with her more than any other. Seeing her effectively go against type in this as the very plastic, very cliche, “social media influence” Her Taylor Sloane is every bit the Tik Tok star,Youtbe personality, Viner that you abhor. Pretentious, vapid, superficial, and absolutely fake, the real Sloane is far more normal and far more disappointing in reality, a fact that isn't lost in Olsen's rather nuanced performance.

Watching O'Shea Jackson Jr. get more work has been a real pleasure. To date, his best role is, ironically, playing his dad in Straight Outta Compton but, his Dan Pinto is a close second. O'Shea is the straight man in all of this, the audience surrogate so to speak. He ends up completely infatuated with Ingrid and decides to go along with her bullsh*t until it get insane. Dan is almost constantly calling this chick out on her bullsh*t the same way I was screaming at my television. Jackson is coming along as a performer though, if I'm being honest, he was the weakest out of the principal cast but not by much Olsen is a vet in this game and Plaza might be a genius in these types of roles. Plus, this was literally Jackson's second movie so the fact that he not only delivers but completely steals the occasional scene or two, is testament to his ability.

The rest of this cast was fantastic. Billy Magnussen is f*cking unhinged as Sloane's brother, Nicky, and Wyatt Russell was surprisingly warm as her husband, Ezra O'Keafe. Meredith Hagner was awesome to see, she's a favortie from that show you should be watching but probably don't, Search Party, SO anytime i get more of her is a goddamn pleasure. And, of course, more Pom Klementieff is always appreciated.

The chemistry among this cast is palpable. You can really tell they enjoyed each other on set, especially Olsen and Plaza. They gt along swimmingly on film, playing off each other with ease. There was a genuine nature to what was presented on film that effectively elevated all of the performances, making Ingrid one of the most watchable films on record. Despite how goddamn awkward a watch it is.

Ingrid Goes West is one of the most cringy, vicarious embarrassment inducing, films I have ever seen in my life but, at the same time, it's f*cking hilarious. The way this thing is written, the circumstances of events and how they unfold, make for some of the funniest scenes caught on tape but in a weird way. Like, you feel bad laughing at the sh*t in this thing but it's absolutely hilarious. Sh*t is mad uncomfortable but you still end up chuckling anyway because it's still funny as sh*t.

This thing is a sneak thriller disguised as a black comedy. It's shot a lot like that old Carrey vehicle, The Cable Guy, which is, itself, a sneak thriller. Don't misunderstand, this flick is genuinely funny, the jokes land with an uncomfortable guffaw, but that doesn't take away from the terrifying reality of what you're seeing. Credit to Matt Spicer for walking that line and giving us one cleverly f*cked up experience.

I've seen this story done before to varying success. Ingrid is one of the better renditions. This flick is Single White Female for Millennial and I felt that. There is a distinct, underlying current, of abject loneliness and the need for the superficiality of my generation. Spicer also has a writer credit on this thing. Dude is the same age as I am so he has a genuine understanding of how to terrify cats in my age range while delivering one of the funniest films I have seen in years.

The writing is sharp as f*ck in this. Nothing ever feels out of place or some sh*t people wouldn't say in real like. There are no characters that feel fake or created for “the movies.” I mean, there are those, Taylor's brother immediately comes to mind, but dude is, at most, a caricature not perversion. These people exist out in the wild. I know they do. I know people like them. I have interactions like these within my friend group. Seeing a theatrically released film actually get that right was pretty dope.

The Bad

This, whole ass movie, is an exercise in the uncomfortable. It's cringe manifest. I understand that's the point of this movie and, for me, it enhances the viewing experience considerably, but that sh*t is palpable and will f*ck people up if they are susceptible or triggered by this type of stuff. It feels like the most uncomfortable parts of The Office but for two goddamn hours and not the ten minutes of Michael's tomfoolery. Its like watching Scott's Tots on repeat.

This movie feels a lot longer than it really is and that, absolutely has to do with the cringe factor. This film is relentless with the uncomfortable and that sh*t adds YEARS onto the run time. I was exhausted after seeing this thing and realized it's bare over an hour and a half. Finishing this felt like finishing Uncut Gems or The Autopsy of Jane Doe, both of which are excellent films in their own right.

The Verdict

I love this movie, man. It's not as good as I hoped but it was still an excellent watch. Aubrey Plaza is outstanding as Ingrid. Even though she's got great support like Jackson and Olsen to play off of, this is definitely Plaza's vehicle. She's able to expand upon, and give life to, a character that is already well written. The actualization of Ingrid on film so wholly couldn't be possible without an absolutely clear vision and Matt Spicer delivered that in spades. His writing and direction was the mortar that holds this string of incredible performances, wonderful shots, and witty dialogue, together. This is one of those rare films that knows exactly what it wants to say, that is hard for a major studio to back, because the content will definitely alienate. While I don't have many bad things to say about it, the two thing that I did reference are massive. This thing is built to keep you uncomfortable and that makes the film way too long in the tooth. It's absolutely intentional but, f*ck, does it hurt. Ingrid Goes West is an exercise in straight up masochism but, like the Ms of the world know, this movie can be legit rewarding if you accept the pain.

[threelivesthreeworlds]

How is lotus step so far?

Admin Ro: I’m by no means a professional book reviewer, so take anything I may say about technicals with a grain of salt but Tang Qi certainly doesn’t fail to deliver. In fact, she took at least a decade between Pillow Book and Lotus Step, and it s h o w s, both in terms of the emotional maturity and language of the book. Certainly at least in terms of language the most well written book in the Three Lives series. 

I do think there’s a discontinuity jump between the last book of the series and this one. In terms of construction it doesn’t really f e e l like a Three Lives series book yet? If that makes sense? Just, the sheer scope of Lotus Step and its plot is longer and more paced out than either of the other books, and I’m not really used that yet. Anyway, the romance is rather a lot more slow burn, whereas it happened a bit of a haphazard-found-it-as-you-adventure way in the other two books. 

The leads are certainly more sensible, and they are…surprisingly a perfect fit for each other, though they are quite possibly so far the youngest set of a couple at least in current timeline (well…if you mix and match and take out Peach Blossom’s Male lead of Yehua and Pillowbook’s Female Lead of Feng Jiu, then I guess they’d be about the same -). The supporting cast is dynamic and fun to be around, even though I don’t know how long they’re going to stick around since we’ve been in the mortal realm for the entire book so far. 

The plot is complex and well-constructed and interesting and requires a bit of paying attention (something I tend to be bad at when it comes to lore - if I’m still confused about Aranya’s Realm, you just watch me be confused about this book forever -) but all in all, I like it. It can get a little overloaded in exposition and narratives to do with characters I don’t particularly like (our Second Lead Boi, Ji Ming Feng, for example), but you can easily skim through it, understand what’s happening, and move on. 

If I had to rate this series, subjectively I’d put Lotus Step as #2 on my list (sorry, my Distinguished Favoritism is Distinguished, PIllow Book will always be my subjective favorite simply due to that Distinguishedness) but if I had to rate it objectively in terms of writing it would probably be the best one yet.

Admin Lin: My book reviewing skills only go as far as Goodreads and even then I’m basic. But I do agree with my fellow admin’s assessment of the book in terms of difference between the previous book in the series Pillowbook and Lotus Step. As well both are charming books in their own right, the nuances of what subgenres they align in are more subtle as Tang Qi refers to Pillowbook as a bedtime story whereas there isn’t a concrete descriptive word to fit what exactly Lotus Step is yet. As for Peach Blossoms, I have no clue how to label that cohesively. 

The play on fate is much heavier in this book than the previous two, which can be fascinating when you have the knowledge when reading, because for me I am always wondering what fate is doing, all the cause and effect behind it. Also in this, there is more history of the ancient gods, one or two in particular, and it’s a lot of digging, searching out the information. So Lotus Step can be kind of viewed with an air of mystery in that regard.

I was surprised by how much I have adored our main two, as I was a casual fan of them from Peach Blossoms drama / novel and Pillowbook, my appreciation for them went much higher than expected. They balance each other so well. The side cast is enjoyable (minus Our Second Lead, I swear I grind my teeth too much because of him) and I’m still not ready to leave any if they don’t appear after the mortal realm book. 

This is my favorite of the Three Lives series so far as I’m really into the mystery of what has and what is going on, the lore and history of the realms, the compatibility of our main couple, the hints of various representation, it’s really captivated me.

[shadowdianne]

Ok people. Time has come. Let’s be ominous and extra on main

So the order for me posting all my WIPS at once will probably be.... the order in where I finish doing all the editing. I’m currently in my last prompts. I’ll still answer the ones I recieve by the end of the week if there is anyone feeling like sending me some.

Aside from that ...

A few months ago I posted a really rambling text about me leaving the SQ fandom writer wise after the SuperNova was over. In the way it’s over once we all put the fics where they will, later on, be revealed. The full explanation of why I’m doing this is even more rambly than the one I gave and is full of nuances that I’ve talked about a little bit with a few of you.

However, I want to say something about it either way. Because words are the way I communicate the most with. And that’s something that I guess is obvious about myself in a myriad of different ways; not only with my fics.

As I’ve said a few times before, SwanQueen was not my first fandom. If I need to pin it to the moment when I actively began to search for fandom-related things, of how I first stumbled into fics and what that entailed…

Going really back in time my first fandom experience was with Sailor Moon and Card Captor Sakura. Yup, that. I was really into anime back in the day and, don’t ask me how, I stumbled into a website that no longer exists that had these pages upon pages on something people called “fics”.

It was around the same time I was building my own sexual identity so you can imagine the mess; I devoured those fics. Most of them were not even good. Most of them had some questionable themes thrown around. Most of them had language on them that I needed a few years until I realized that was hurtful. But some others taught me what “angst” meant, what “hurt/comfort” was, why “fluff” was about or why “smut” at my tender age of 12/13 was something I wasn’t entirely grasping.

Again, I devoured those fics, I searched for more, I found livejournal and ffnet. By the time I started fully diving into fanfiction livejournal was slightly abandoned so at the end I focused entirely on ffnet and from there… Pretty Cure (another anime) Strawberry Panic and the even more dubious Kannazuki no Miko followed. I found some amazing writers I still follow today and whose stuff I will forever adore on MaiHime/MaiOtome and, eventually, Kim Possible. I still didn’t write though. Probably because my English at the time wasn’t the best, my writing voice in Spanish was barely a murmur and while I had always been the “weird kid who likes to write poetry and if you ask her nicely she will write you a story on the spot” I had never truly considered… writing and posting on the internet.

Funny thing is that this kind of things are like that and those who are content creators will probably understand that: You NEED to create. So, eventually, slightly older, and full on the whole Twilight era, I wrote a very… cringey fic. And then another. And another. And another.

At first I didn’t know shit about editing. My actual first review told me I was horrible at writing, that I was a mess, that I should stop. But my second review told me: “Hey, if you do this and that on the editing process it will help you and this will be more readable.” And I followed that comment. I eventually became friends with that second reviewer but, as life tends to be, I lost contact with her years ago. I still hope she is doing ok though.

Eventually, I started working, if working is something that one can say about writing a chapter in 20 minutes and throw it every Wednesday while your mother is at work, not monitoring what you are doing and you have the internet for yourself back when the internet went through the phone, in a multichaptered story. It is in Spanish, it is awful, characterization is horrible… but it also made me meet the person that became a very important person. And still will be for that younger version of me. 

From twilight and the occasional writing on the HP fandom with the Hermione/Ginny pairing [Yeah, I wonder what younger me would think of my current main pairing on that fandom] I “graduated” to Glee. Lots and lots of Glee.

And then I stopped. Completely. Not a peep from me. Not a word, not a line. For over a year.

I was a fan and a shipper, however, of this little show called Once Upon a Time. I started watching in the pilot, in a very shoddy link a friend sent me over gmail. I fell in love with the characters but while I loved them I couldn’t… or wouldn’t really, put myself into writing. At the time my English was slightly better but my confidence levels were even lower than currently are. And the ones who have talked to me can safely say how horrible I am at taking compliments.

Yet, I had a very meaningful conversation, one I don’t know if she remembers still, in where I was told: Writing is you. If you want to write… like you did when we first met, why don’t you do it? I tried with a wip that is still there, buried beneath other stories now, that I never fully took off. And then I said fuck it and wrote several others, badly written, even worse characterized, but ones that helped me say… why not.

Disney World Family Business (in case there’s even someone here who read that mess) comes from there. Interview with the (Evil) Queen does too. Dancing Ring (who I’ve seen people roasting me over it and it’s fine because it was awful) was too. Texts on the cloud was there too, Coffee Black News… Eventually, I wrote a fic I’ve erased since then called The Holiday. Over 2k per chapter every day. I did it under a month.

It was… interesting. It was exhilarating. It was magical in many ways. And I had my favorite writers of course. Those who I followed religiously. Who I absolutely admired. And who I, to this day, still admire. And I even get to call them friends now which my younger self would probably be having a meltdown about now xD

I had opened my tumblr account way before that but I had never truly used it. I didn’t know how. Eventually, though, I dusted it off. I put some cringey theme there and I posted, after being sent a couple of random prompts here and there over ffnet pm’s the first “prompts anyone?” post I ever did.

It’s funny because now I’m a tease but the first time I asked for prompts I did it asking for words that I promised I’d make a smut ficlet out of them.

Words of Desire was born. Is, to this day, the one I feel cheekier about. Even if the writing is awful xd I even got my ffnet account in the line of “am I going to get deleted?” after I posted a story called “Lips”

Why I’m writing all of this you guys probably don’t care about? Because that post led to another. And another. And another.

Point is. I felt drunk on the sudden realization I could still tell stories. And so I kept doing it. At some point I opened my a03 account. Don’t remember exactly when in this story but I was crossposting some of my stuff at some point bother in ffnet and a03 so… who knows really. And then I kept asking for prompts. Or I got them asked. And so I did.

And I met other writers, and other content creators. And I loved it. I absolutely loved watching OUAT and then shit on the show and then create fix it fics at 3am on a Sunday. And I learnt about the narrative process outside class. How fanfiction truly is its own genre. I started developing my own ideas. I started looking at books, at people, at places around me with a critical eye I later on developed further to be able to specialize myself in literature. Because, at the end, that’s what I minored in.

I had roleplayed, I had written conjoined narratives. But fic writing at the scale SwanQueen was during the OUAT was still airing was something else. It still is in a way, but different now. And I think those who were around during the fucking show that basically did us a lot of bad in many ways was a different approach that currently is.

During those years not everything was good of course. I hit several walls, I didn’t have the ability to create the stories I wanted. It is not the reason why I’m leaving, I’ve spoken about the reasons -plural- with some of you. So I won’t bother you all more than I’m already doing.

 I still love these ladies. I still don’t know how I will open a doc and not write their names. Maybe I relapse from time to time, who knows. Yet, the constant feeling of not being enough, of not being good enough, has devoured pretty much all my creative juices.

I was talking a few months ago with a writer I absolutely adore and I can’t tell her this enough and we were talking about writer’s block. And she said something that is devastatingly true. “You don’t have a creative block now. You’ve had it for a long time now.”

And I didn’t even hesitate when I answered “Yes. I know.”

How do you have a block when you keep posting? Well. By choosing safer options, options you know you will do on autopilot, without emotion even if you know you should be feeling it. And while writing is part of who I am and a huge part of my own emotional stability the fact that I simply cried when I saw the numbers and the stats while being bombarded with anons that I deleted most of them the second I got them… well. It’s far too much I guess.

I love SwanQueen. And to those of you who I’ve created a friendship over the years with I’m not leaving tumblr and I’m not walking out on you. I’m remaining here. You guys are going to need to do more than this to get rid of me Xd

But I do need that. Otherwise I will keep picking safer options, options that I know will take me shorter and shorter time for me to write. And that’s not quality. And not what I want to write. Because while I love writing about them the pressure and the fear and the rejection and the many other little details have outweighed the good. 

Regina is a stubborn woman. No matter what fic you guys are reading or writing. I’m a little bit like her in that department Xd

I’ve finished my wips and I gave myself a few months after that first post so I could create closure and, you know, give you all the best I could do. I felt more relaxed at having a date set. I still feel dread at losing my ability to write now that, probably, the number of prompts will be smaller. But I hope I will still get news from you all. And don’t be mistaken. Me not writing doesn’t mean me not reading. I’ll be actually able to read more so expect lots and lots of fic recs on my side and comments on those fics. So hey, everyone wins.

To those anons, those gatekeepers.

I hope you all wake up one day and realize you are alone in the pit you’ve created for yourselves.

To fellow content creators: There’s always this game I play, on trying to find those headcanons that are truly yours, the ones that repeat themselves on every fic. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a headcanon per se. It can be a word, a special mannerism. I treasure those. I often link you to those in my mind when I’m thinking about you all. Thanks for creating. And thanks for being you.

To everyone really: It has been a few amazing years. Thank you all.

VIVA LA SWAN QUEEN

-Dianne out.