#will exhaust every avenue until i'm good again.

[sciderman]

Oh man I really hope Lefty wakes up soon. Seems like the lack of cortisol is really hitting you hard. 'Bout ready to start a cult to the Adrenal Gods to make things better for you.

Hope you feel better soon!!

thank you anon!! i am not doing well but i really appreciate your kind thoughts!! please please pray to the adrenal gods. pray for me.

[shadow4-1]

I'm just imagining the 141 looking for a medic because all of the ones they sign on keep dying or getting poached by other task forces. And you're a baby medic who is shadowing your higher rank and well esteemed teacher (who is actually the one on the 141's radar). But something goes horribly wrong...

You've done everything you possibly can but he's still drowning in his own blood.

He's tried walking you through everything through wheezing, wet breaths. He has a knowing look in his eye, this isn't working and it won't work. You're in the EVAC helicopter, but the time it'll take to get you back to base is too long.

"I-I'm sorry." You whimper, tears forming on your lashes. "I'm not a very good student."

Your mentor smiles sadly, his eyes glassy. He was always sweet to you when he was no nonsense with everyone else.

"You're doing great, kid." He huffs, blood leaking out the corner of his mouth. He winces and sputters up more but you're there. You try to fill up his vision and give him something to focus on. "People crash. Don't give up on 'em till it's over."

You cradle his head, memorize every wrinkle, scar, and patch on his kit. And then, it hits you.

He's right, its not over yet.

You rip through your medical supplies with shaking hands. It feels like it takes forever but it's merely seconds before you're sticking a needle from your vein into his. You watch the bag as it quickly fills with your blood before entering into him.

Your mentor chuckles and shakes his head weakly. This is nowhere near anything he taught you. But he knows it might just save his life since you're both the same blood type.

You go through multiple more needles releasing pressure on his lungs until he's even more stable than before. He finally has a shot and that's all that matters.

You're so close. Fifteen minutes out when he starts to crash again. You've exhausted everything. Your medical supplies are dwindling. You have no more blood to give. Your teacher just continues to smile at you. And he keeps smiling at you and he keeps smiling at you. You rub at his face, his eyes are far away. You feel for his pulse.

You scream.

It's not one of fear, but a deep, mournful cry. You turned your comms off forever ago but you know everyone could hear you, even through the wind. It carries your scream off and away as the heli's motors clip around you. You feel empty. He was supposed to teach you more. He was supposed to live.

You scream again and throw yourself over him. You sob and scream and grab at him, trying desperately to look for vitals. You know you won't find one but you're delirious. He's supposed to live! You did everything right!

Tears blur your vision but you notice someone out of the corner of your eye. It's one of the members of a different task force assigned to help your squad with this now terribly failed mission. He's their Captain, you think. He tries to reach down but you hiss at him. You don't care about rank. You don't care about the social ramifications. You scream to be heard over the wind.

"DON'T TOUCH HIM!"

The man's eyes soften. You don't imagine what you look like. You probably look wild, feral, gnashing your teeth and growling. You don't care. He's YOUR teacher, he's YOUR responsibility. Quite frankly, you don't trust any of the other strangers watching you. You hiss at them too. Then you cry again.

You bury your face into your now dead mentor's chest and sob.

- - - - -

The look in your eye is like nothing he's ever seen before in a medic.

Price had watched you exhaust every possible avenue to save your superior's life. When all else failed you gave him your own blood. And when he finally succumbed to his injuries you threw yourself over him, not allowing anyone or anything to get close.

Even when they arrived on base, when your other superiors tired to swoop in, you stood your ground.

"I don't care! Even in death he's MY patient!" You yelled at your own Captain.

And surpisingly, they let you take care of him to the end. They even let you escort his body to the morgue. It's where Price finds you hours later.

You sit in a rusty old folding chair just outside the morgue doors. Your eyes are glazed over, far away, and still brimming with tears. He kneels in front of you to get on your level. He doesn't say anything, just waits for you to finally see him. You blink slowly and look up at him.

"I-I'm sorry..." You apologize. "I d-didn't mean t-"

"It's alright, Love." He hums and offers you a tight smile. "I understand."

He pats your knee in a fatherly way before standing up. His knees pop and he winces. You immediately stand up, your eyes searching him up and down.

"S' alright, I promise. Just a lil' stiff s' all." He soothes. "I need you to come with me."

He notices how your pretty lil' eyes widen. He shakes his head and offers a hand to help you out of the chair.

"You're not n' any trouble, sweetheart. I just want to talk with you."

He looks down at you with a knowing, sweet smile.

Your commitment is exactly what he's looking for.

[pyrosomatic-metamorphosis]

oh im gonna be SO annoying about bbh in a minute. i keep saying the same thing over and over again but his character is too fucking complex motherfucker is like:

"i'm a demon who is 11,000 years old and i refuse to acknowledge that im a demon nor that i do bad things (like steal furniture) but i will help people every chance i get despite saying im going to stop doing that and i am going to devote my life to protecting these fragile little eggs even though i know im going to lose them one day because i love them too much (and i know i can do that and it will one day be okay, because i have an immortal diamond to keep me company even if he isn't here now). when my friend throws himself beneath the spokewheel of the federation i will be there, bitter about my loss, but i will not start a revolution until he proves he deserves one. i will do what i can to safeguard his system against corruption because i am afraid the federation will use him to hurt us. i know he doesn't want to hurt us. he keeps hurting me. he is isolated by our distrust in him and he is still working hard to try to be a good person in an inherently corrupt system that cannot be fixed so i will build him a statue. i will not kill him when he takes a picture of me in the presidential chair (that was almost mine) and puts it on his wall and calls me 'employee of the month.' i didn't do all of that work for the federation i did it for him like i do it for others because they are my friends. i will exhaust every option i have to build a reason to NOT start a revolution. to not kill him. because i have to say that i tried. i feel like i have made so many compromises. i have held myself back to try to find reason. i will still remove his access to my base. when the island turns against me and he locks me in a cage for a crime i did not commit, i will remove everyone's access (except for my family the french and my family the eggs). i am having fun. when the eggs appear the next day with cracks and dirty shells i will worry, but i know they're strong. they'll be okay. (when i find my son's secret lab and his unethical experiments that cause him harm i will be proud because he has done what i do. he has helped. i want him to be safe but we are never safe and i trust him more than anyone else. i know now, and i can help him be safe.) when the eggs go missing i will be silent. i will look for them, and i will destroy for them, and i will bargain for them, and i will cry for them, and i will not accept their loss. when my friend who is president who once built a safehouse that saved my eggs' lives is finally damaged by the federation (like i knew he would be when he became president) and he starts to hurt people by pushing the same treatment onto them i will not be surprised. i will be surprised when he tries to marry me. i will not blame him (much) when he tries to kill me. our children are missing. he is forced to pretend that his is not. i wish i could too. i will not tell him yes or no because i need an open avenue to manipulate him (because to save him i will have to manipulate him). i will not marry him because he is out of his mind. i have said marriage is overrated. i have also said that i want to live with him in a house with our kids and my skeppy. when he tells me that he wants to be happy with me i will still say 'aw' because it is the most genuine thing he has said to me and i miss my friend. i will still try to kill him. i fail to kill him with someone else's plan. i don't place a block to lock him in place. i hesitate. it doesn't matter if it's on purpose because the next plan works. i will reveal an item that could destroy me to my closest allies (and tubbo) because it will let us save him. we save him. when he kills himself 18 times over i back away from the explosion in surprise and then step close again. while i have grieved i have thrown myself into mines. it doesn't matter. i am numb and want to feel something. everything has lost colour. we save him.

i visit federation workers and ask them about my eggs and they do not tell me anything. i know they are lying. i visit the graveyard to talk to my lost eggs. i have lost all of the eggs. i do not know how to save them. i lay in the mud. it rains and rain signifies the monster has returned to kill my children but my children are not here and so i do not care. when i go home i will become so angry and i will go down to my basement (which i have locked like my friend locked the entrance to his greatest fantasy. we are so alike and our delusions are different. he child was real; here is the secret to finding my children) where i have locked a federation worker away. i will not wash away the blood stains.

i am also part-time grim reaper and i only ever dress up in robes to make people drink more water."

[fandomsnstuff]

this just started as me wanting to complain about the work it takes to prep a house to sell but now it's kind of an au

@taznovembercelebration

Day 15: vampire au/last

Kravitz is moving for possibly the last time in his very, very long life, and he ruminates a little on what got him to this point.

Read it on AO3

Barry drops another cardboard box into the growing sea of stuff in the garage. “One thing I wish I'd considered before becoming immortal was all the moving.”

“Tell me about it,” Taako says, writing his name on a piece of painter's tape and slapping it on a garbage bag of clothes. “One second I'm joining my hot ancient vampire boyfriend in his immortal curse, and next thing I know, I've moved fifteen times in the last hundred years.”

“We haven't moved fifteen times,” Kravitz skirts around him with another box. “This is only number ten.”

“That's still too many.”

He drops the box on top of Barry's. “It wasn't nearly this much work when it was just me in apartments and such. But four times the people, four times the stuff.”

Taako points at him, “this is the last time. New vamps, new start, new system. Taako can't be doing all this physical labour every couple of years for eternity.”

Barry leans against a stack of boxes. “Maybe this is why you deemed immortality a curse. You've been spending your eternal life doing one of the worst chores an adult can do.” Kravitz just shrugs. Barry says, “this'll be good. The land's nice and far from any prying eyes, and the house Magnus and Julia designed is beautiful.”

“No! More! Moves!” Taako chants.

“Okay,” Lup comes into the garage, “Magnus is on his way with the truck and reinforcements, so he'll start taking loads of stuff to the new house. Stager comes tomorrow, carpets get cleaned Wednesday, pictures Thursday, and we're in business by the weekend.”

“Let's sell this bitch,” Taako says.

A few months later, the old house has sold, and they're settling into their new, custom-built home. Kravitz is sitting out back, watching Lup and Taako argue about toppings by the pizza oven. His heart swells.

He'd been alone for so long. As far as he knew, he was the only vampire left. His life became an exhausting, monotonous dance of isolation. Running from place to place the moment he felt any whiff of suspicion in his direction. But then he met Taako. Handsome, wondrous, stubborn Taako.

Kravitz had wanted to run the moment he realised Taako had taken an interest. But when he started packing his things and looking for a new place, for the first time in centuries, he hesitated. Taako was the first interesting thing to happen to him in ages. Maybe he deserved to have a little fun.

“A little fun” quickly turned into deep, unavoidable love. So Kravitz tried to blow it up. He told Taako they couldn't be together, he walked away and blocked his number and ran. But Taako isn't so easily swayed. Through avenues that Kravitz is still in the dark about, he tracked him down and banged on his door until he was granted entry and an explanation. So Kravitz told him what he was. He told him they couldn't be together because Taako would age and Kravitz wouldn't and after a few decades he would be alone again. He didn't want to know a life of companionship if he was going to lose it in the blink of an eye.

And Taako laughed. He laughed until he had tears trickling down his face. He said, “you thought I didn't know? Babe, the moment you brought me home I knew. I don't give a fuck, all my friends are freaks.”

Kravitz met Taako's friends, and they all seemed normal to him. “Magnus?”

“Werewolf. And Julia.”

“Davenport?”

“Shapeshifter.”

“Merle?”

“Fae.”

“Lucretia?”

“Merfolk.”

Kravitz hesitates, because there's no way he's anything but human, but he has to ask, “Barry?”

“I'll give you three guesses.”

“...no.” Taako smirked. Kravitz stared at him wide-eyed. “There's absolutely no way.”

“Full blooded vampire.”

“Full blooded?!”

“The man has never had a drop of human blood in his veins.”

Kravitz pushed his hands into his hair. “I thought I was the only one left.”

Taako patted his back, “you just didn't know where to look.”

He looked at Taako. “Are you…?”

“I'm the only full human in the group.”

“What about Lup?”

“We still don't really know what she did, but she kind of Danny Phantom-ed herself and has been able to willingly shift to a phantasmal form for a few years now, so,” he shrugs, “she's human, but also maybe half dead? I try not to think about it too much.”

That conversation, as… mind blowing as it was, was the start of the rest of Kravitz's life. Taako made some very compelling arguments and convinced him to come back and try again. It was just under a year after that when he turned Taako. He was hesitant to do it, but was convinced when Taako reminded him that all his friends were immortal, and if he wasn't going to do it, he'd go to Barry, “and I'm not into him like that, so I'd rather not.”

On the back porch, watching the twins, Kravitz finally understands the concept of a forever home. Why spend eternity running when you could travel and have fun and do much more pleasant things than packing? And why not give yourself a soft place to land when you need to rest?

Barry comes outside and sits next to him, holding out a drink. “They're still at it?”

Kravitz takes it. “Yeah. Though they've moved from olives to anchovies.”

Barry chuckles and shakes his head. “I think they'll still be arguing about it when the next ice age comes around.”

Kravitz laughs, and they sit in a comfortable silence for a while. “Hey Barry. You've been around a while.”

“Sure have.”

“So you've been navigating life as an immortal for a long time. Like, almost as long as I have.”

“You've got maybe two hundred years on me, but yeah.”

“Then why the fuck did you let me move the four of us through ten houses in the last hundred years?!”

Barry laughs long and loud. He sighs. “Oh, my god,” he wipes a stray tear away, “I was wondering if you'd put that together.”

“Well?!”

“Oh, man,” he clears his throat. “You'd been on your own for so long, and set in your ways, and so afraid of being discovered, we thought it'd be best to do things your way for a while. To let you get used to us and the group and what have you.”

Kravitz narrows his eyes. Barry bites his lip like he's trying not to laugh again. “There's more. Spill it, Bluejeans.”

“Lup and I made a bet on how many moves Taako could go through before it got to him.” He takes a sip of his drink. “I won, for once.”

Kravitz considers this. “What'd you win?”

He smirks. “You don't want to know.”

“Ugh!” Kravitz stands. “Gross, I don't want to know about your sex bets.”

“I didn't say anything about sex!”

“A non answer is still an answer,” he turns to go back inside, “next time just lie and say money!”

Barry shouts after him, “this is your life forever now!”

[fairycosmos]

Therapy is so mentally draining and also kinda a fucking scam unless you find a really good one. Paid an arm and a leg for 2 sessions only for the therapist to just kinda sit there and listen to me try to recount all my trauma as quickly as I could hoping for some kind of validation and wise insights to reassure me that I’m not a fucking freak. Group therapy might be better at least that way there’s people who can relate to u.. idk I hate my brain it’s a fuck. Stupid pain meat.

hey i'm sorry you had such a bad experience :( that fucking sucks. the price is absolutely crazy, sometimes it really does seem like a scam. i feel like there are a lot of uninvested, bored, boundary-less, money-hungry, agenda-ridden "professionals" in the field, which makes it feel like fucking hell to navigate sometimes. esp when you're already at your wits end. i get you, it really is expensive as hell and also so so emotionally tiring that simply shopping around for therapists certainly isn't as accessible or as easy as people make it out to be at all. but i will say that when you feel ready, both mentally and financially, i hope you know that it's an option you can always return to until you find what clicks, even if that process isn't as linear or as as simple as just trying on different therapists for size.

like, i haven't been in therapy for months now for basically the same reasons as you, but i'd already quit it once before going back again. and i noticed that every therapist works so individually, the dynamic is always going to be super unique depending on who you're talking to so like - i'd almost try to see it as getting a whole new form of treatment each time you go for it, rather than viewing it all as one nebulous blob of Therapy. because idk, it sounds dumb or whatever, but there is so much contained within that word, so many different avenues toward finding the version of help that will be compatible with your brain, finding the right person who can give it to you. and communicating with MH professionals about your pain/trauma does get better the more you do it, doesn't exhaust you as much, so at least there's that too. it's not hopeless, it's just hard unfortunately.

though it is like sorting through trash to find treasure, and obviously your frustration/sadness is totally justified. maybe that's all anecdotal, but what i am 100% certain of is that you're not a freak - especially for dealing with mental health issues. no matter what they look like. you could pluck 5 people off the street and i'm sure at least 3 of them would have thoughts and issues that mirror your own in some way. therapists have heard it all before, but as patients we feel like we must be the only ones who've ever lost it in this exact way before, since we don't get to see others in their most vulnerable state very often. but i think if we did, there'd be some common ground. sounds like group therapy could be really good for you - they're often a little cheaper, too. i hope you're able to look into it at your own pace. proud of you for getting help in the first place. that's fucking huge, you're doing way better than the stupid sack of meat in ur skull is allowing you to see. sending you a hug. <3 x

[ao3gingerswag]

I feel like it has been too long since I have sent a too-long ask praising your writing genius so HERE WE GO MS SWAG BUCKLE IN!!

I LOVE learning its so sweeeett especially the letter when sam is like 'sorry for the stains Im crying' but he's still so happy that's so SWEET I LOVE HIM. he deserves everything I really hope at some point we get another one shot of him when he's older and maybe he's working as an assistent/intern of pastor Murphy and we see his day in the life-ish (kinda like a medieval version of a uni student even though they did have universities in medieval times kinda but you know what I mean). maybe with this new development Eileen can be brought into the story more naturally, being a whitecreek citizen and them meeting there. I can imagine grown up Sam travelling around with/for Murphy bc I know we had a conversation about his future earlier, and Sam fills out his dreams of learning but is still close enough to willow Inn (love the name btw!!) to see his family and travel back when he can. and of course dean and cas would be so proud bc he's like learned and working with the smart ppl and then he brings Eileen home anyways im on a tangent now I shall move on from this before I plan out his entire life until the medieval equivalent to retirement (.... death? that's morbid)

the outside!! AH!! poor casssss you're wrenching at my heartstrings here poor sammm I know I say this every time but OH GOD I CANT WAIT FOR THE RESOLUTION AND THE COMFORT WE'RE SO CLOSE I can't wait to see deans reaction when he finds out cas has come for him ;~;

I feel for you on the metaphors 😭😭 feel free to bother us with them I'm sure we can help you with the process.... have you exhausted all pastural avenues....?

anyways that's all my ramblings for now I shall probably thought vomit again on you very soon but really it's youre fault for WRITING SO GOOD!!

thank u so much!!! yes sam is so sweet ;~; i really liked writing Learning and I really liked getting to show Sam’s sweeter and more earnest side, bc he’s being quite a bastard rn in the main fic. But he’s really fucked up and is in such an awful situation ;~; i was happy I got to write about how sweet he is when he’s not in such an awful environment. I do think I’ll probably expand on the fic at some point and write about Sam’s further education and possible attendance at the college. However I am 100% set on Sam living at the inn with Dean and Cas forever. Like one day he’ll meet Eileen and she’ll move in with them too. So he might go to college and travel around for a little? But he’s living at the inn with Dean and Cas. It’s my party and I’ll project my asexual fantasy of living with all my friends and loved ones forever under the same roof if I want to right? 

Yes poor Cas :( he’s having a hard time of it rn. And poor Sam he is too :( i cant wait for resolution either ;~; thank u so much im so glad ur enjoying the story!!! :D

[punkscowardschampions]

Ava & James

Ava: It's probably a lost cause Ava: but I lost my bracelet when we went out Ava: I remember having it in the first club but not after that Ava: If you're in the 2nd again, could you ask? Ava: No doubt it's long gone but James: I'll ring, I know the owner James: but I'll need a description, I don't remember what it looks like Ava: Thanks Ava: [sends picture like oh hey remember this face] James: [a long enough pause for him to have been trying to find this bracelet everywhere and she probably thinks he's fucked off] James: sorry, no joy Ava: Oh, no worries Ava: Cheers anyway, like James: did you go anywhere after? James: you could've had it on longer than you think Ava: I've already rang Kings, in case I left it in the dorm or something but no luck there either James: none with uber either James: kept me on hold for ages to let me know they don't have it Ava: Ugh, sorry Ava: Don't worry any more on it, it isn't sentimental or anything like that James: it was kind of a helping hand honestly, youngest liked the music they played, a very impromptu lullaby from an unexpected source Ava: Well, who knew hold music was good for anything but rage quits Ava: Unless they're now having a really angry nap James: 😂 James: that'll more likely be me later Ava: If you're lucky, yeah? James: if it hasn't run out Ava: Surely not James: they've both got some kind of hangover detector James: I'm sure you can imagine Ava: I've spent enough time with my nephew to know Ava: No sympathy from a toddler James: indeed Ava: Look, I don't know if I should even bring it back up but I'm sorry for how things went down that night James: I don't get caught up in regrets, remember Ava: I remember Ava: But I didn't Ava: I don't have bad intentions or anything, that's not me James: you've not struck me as someone who does Ava: How do I strike you? James: It was agreed I'd need longer than an evening to answer that Ava: I suppose Ava: First impressions can still be a thing James: it was a good first impression Ava: I'm glad James: but you're also sorry? Ava: I can't be both? James: you can Ava: So, you aren't sorry Ava: but are you glad? James: I can't be Ava: Yeah Ava: that's why I can't not be sorry James: It's me who should be sorry Ava: That's up to you Ava: if you don't do regrets you don't James: my actions don't only affect me Ava: I know Ava: Well, you won't get any trouble from me, like I said, not about that James: there's a line drawn under it James: you won't get any from me either James: [lies because you know he's bought her a replacement bracelet so she'll literally get that like the next day, boy we see you okay] Ava: Okay James: it was fun while it lasted, don't beat yourself up any harder James: the big glasses were cute but you shouldn't have to keep them on indefinitely Ava: Jesus Ava: Don't you know you're meant to pretend you didn't see that James: but walking around with your eyes & mouth closed all the time is very exhausting & I haven't had my nap yet Ava: I also have no sympathy for you, idiot James: I think you have some, but I don't blame you for not wanting to give it to me Ava: Nope, none Ava: I promise Ava: no space in my head James: oh Ava James: you have my sympathies, in that case Ava: Don't James: you don't want them? Ava: Let's say I don't do sympathies James: understood James: they are easy to get weighed down in Ava: and so rarely sincere James: it's reminiscent of wearing wet clothes, people only really want you to take them off in order to spare themselves the puddles James: they ask you if you're cold but they care about their floors Ava: Exactly Ava: and floors are more important 'round here Ava: and anything resembling sincerity is as unsightly as a damp mark on your new carpet James: the content I'll require for my English degree is writing itself Ava: Is that what you want to do, really? James: it's a question that'll get answered as often as it's asked Ava: How often do you get told what you want then James: daily at least Ava: How often does it come close James: it has yet to Ava: Oh James James: you don't do sympathies James: please never change on my account Ava: It could be empathy James: but is it? Ava: We'd need another night James: how many more bracelets have you got to lose? Ava: 😂 Ava: What kind of Chelsea girl do you take me for? James: you heard me say it was a good first impression Ava: 😏 I'd take a bow but can't risk losing any more jewels today James: we'll pretend you really did Ava: If that's what you're into, II James: what kind of Kensington boy do you take me for? Ava: Won't be the first to have a #scandal James: no trouble, need I remind you Ava: Just hypothetical, obviously James: you just hypothetically wanna know what I'm into? Ava: I just hypothetically hit the nail on the head James: if that's what you think, Ava Ava: Go on then Ava: Are you even gonna hypothetically tell the truth though? James: where's a hypothetical lie getting me? Ava: Away from hypothetical shame if it's weird shit Ava: I'm not one for hypothetical judgment though James: I'm not one for hypothetical shame Ava: Soooo Ava: 👀 James: I don't know, truthfully James: I'd need a whole hypothetical life, I suppose Ava: Fair Ava: It's a pretty bait question anyway James: you have an answer though, I can tell Ava: Singular? Ava: How rude James: 😂 James: because one leads to another not because you're hypothetically uninteresting Ava: Yeah, that's right Ava: about to be so hypothetically fuming James: you can have as many hypothetical apologies as you have interests, okay? Ava: No need to change on my behalf, however hypothetical James: what makes you think a personality change would be required Ava: Apologies are awful close to regret James: I'm not saying them to myself Ava: Try it out then Ava: See if I'm into it James: I'm really sorry I had to leave Ava: Me too Ava: but I don't think I'm about it, so you don't need to mention it again James: if you don't want me to, I won't Ava: I figure you owe enough sorries to more important people Ava: I'm good, honest James: I'm happy to hear it James: & not looking to mess anything up for you, hypothetically or actually Ava: I know Ava: You haven't Ava: it isn't my business so you know, no obligation to answer Ava: but why did you get married so young? James: because I had a baby to raise that young Ava: Yeah James: I wanted to do something that would actually help, at least shut up our parents because there was no silencing all the horrible things everyone else was saying James: It wasn't fair to treat her suddenly like public enemy number 1, not for that Ava: That makes sense Ava: I can see the logic James: It was a mistake we both made, I couldn't just leave her to it James: but I don't know, maybe we'd have both been better off if we'd approached it differently James: as parents but not a couple Ava: Well, it isn't permanent Ava: You can still do that Ava: Co-parent, that's not leaving her to it James: She won't let that happen Ava: It won't be easy Ava: It's weighing up if the now is worse than how invariably shit divorce is James: every time I try to leave I'm not allowed to see or speak to them until I go back James: she gets everyone on her side, including my parents Ava: If you go through official avenues, she won't just be able to do that Ava: She can't say you're unfit because you're not Ava: That's so shit and Ava: not right James: but she'll get my daughter to say that she hates me & doesn't wanna see me by telling her that's what I'm saying, I know she'll turn them both against me long before anything gets officially sorted out James: last time I walked out she told Jay so many things that aren't true Ava: She'd say that to a kid? Ava: Her kid? Ava: what's wrong with her James: I've given up trying to figure out everything that is Ava: You can't do this forever Ava: You deserve better Ava: you don't get to fuck someone over because you have a kid with them, imagine it reversed, how much of a bad guy you'd be then, it's no different just because she's the mum James: I'll send them both away to school when they're older, but for now I have to do this Ava: How do you do it Ava: How have you lasted this long, never mind how long that will be James: I see my children every day, it makes everything else bearable James: & I know they need that Ava: Yeah Ava: They're the most important thing Ava: but you matter as well, you can't Ava: I don't know James: for better or worse, right? Ava: You don't get to pick one each though, like James: I made my bed, Ava James: everyone told me not to marry her but I did Ava: 'cos you thought it was the right thing Ava: it shouldn't function as a lifelong punishment James: I never thought it was right James: I just wanted to be a better dad than I've got James: & that was the only way she'd let me Ava: That's a good reason Ava: even if it turned out not to be the best idea James: bad ideas have been around longer than she has James: I can't remember when I last had a good one James: I'd have been younger than you Ava: It's hard to make them when you have to commit to the worst, like Ava: you've gotta do something for you Ava: just 'cos you wanna Ava: or you'll lose it James: I will if you'll meet me for coffee James: I wanna see you again Ava: Okay Ava: I'd like to see you too James: tomorrow? Ava: I can do that Ava: What time, I have lunch at 1 or I can do after 5 James: lunch works Ava: Cool Ava: Looking forward to it James: I am too Ava: 😊 James: [when you're gonna have to go so far away for your date so you don't get spotted lol] Ava: [honestly should defs say its a school day so you ain't getting back for afternoon classes but that's not so wild anyone is like hello??? but start the sneaking as you mean to go on] James: [literally gonna spend half her lunch break on-route in the car cos London so we gotta but at least we can say it's an uber mood again so he's not driving] Ava: [I'll do some before 'cos like is he gonna show nerves] Ava: We still on for lunch time? James: nothing else has come up Ava: 👍 Ava: I'll book my ride James: I'll pick you up Ava: Are you sure? James: sure that we don't need 2 separate ubers going to the same place? yes Ava: fair point Ava: but I'll definitely get the coffees then James: no you won't Ava: The post came before I left this morning Ava: you really didn't have to do that Ava: but you did, so I can definitely get you a latte or whatever your particular shade of coffee is James: I didn't want leave you bracelet-less & me close to having a regret James: so I kind of did have to Ava: Well, when you put it like that Ava: thank you, it was one of my favourites actually Ava: didn't wanna push for that regret too hard though James: now you won't have to Ava: The coffee being bitter over the company definitely sounds like a better plan James: you don't have to order coffee, you know Ava: I'll probably get an iced drink of some description Ava: ☀🥵 James: too much sunbathing between classes? Ava: 😏 Ava: I'm sure the dons would say any is too much Ava: but I'm still pretty pale James: I'm correcting that to still pretty Ava: Gonna look like a 🍅 now James: who doesn't like 🍅? James: bloody marys are fantastic for one Ava: Now I know you have good taste James: in drinks at least Ava: and 🍅s thank you James: potentially everything but wives & uni courses Ava: Don't make me laugh because it's definitely not funny James: but hypothetically how smitten would I be if you did laugh? Ava: Oh, head over heels, of course Ava: like 👼s singing James: I thought so Ava: Don't wanna hypothetically disappoint James: it's not even hypothetically possible Ava: Your level of hypothetical trust is cute James: your level of hypothetical modesty is unnecessary Ava: Fine, but it's your fault when I don't fit my hypothetical hat James: I'll buy you a bigger one James: hypothetically Ava: You going to hypothetically redress me piece by piece? James: I'm not falling into the trap of you thinking I'm saying I need to James: there's nothing wrong with how you dress Ava: I'm not even hypothetically that sly Ava: Straightforward and to the point, yeah? James: it's what I like about you Ava: You're pretty good at it yourself James: game playing has never got me anywhere I want to be Ava: Games rely too much on chance and luck for my liking Ava: someone has to lose James: precisely James: as much as I'd potentially hate losing to you less than I would to lots of other people, it's still better as a hypothetical Ava: No games, I promise James: I'm taking that to also mean no more pool at the vault & you can't stop me Ava: 😱 Ava: You're really going to make me enroll just to get back in that VIP venue? Ava: Rude James: 😂 James: seeing you every day would be fun but putting fun ahead of all things academic gets you where I currently am in life James: I can't do that to you, even hypothetically Ava: You can hypothetically follow me for your next course Ava: I'm a great study buddy James: unless you're going abroad somewhere to study Ava: Unless you count SE as abroad Ava: lord knows many of our peers do 🙄 James: in that case, following you sounds close to a good idea Ava: 🤏 Ava: I'll find a way to hypothetically swing it Ava: the world needs your writing, II James: I've never been more devastated to have a job waiting for me that isn't strictly hypothetical Ava: I's doing, I suppose Ava: What are you going do instead of write your great novel about me? James: you'll have to look out for my self published works written by night under an obvious pseudonym Ava: I will Ava: Will you sign my copy? James: of course James: under your printed dedication Ava: I'll have to think of an excellent pseudonym myself James: can you do 1 other, simpler thing for me before then? Ava: I'm sure I can? James: order for me something you like James: I don't know what I want Ava: I like a challenge Ava: Okay James: do you want me to tell you if I don't share the liking of it or not? Ava: 'Course Ava: 'cos I need to find you something you do like James: if time doesn't run out Ava: We can have more lunches too Ava: as well as evenings James: that'd be good James: I'd hate to only see you in the dark Ava: That's mutual James: if I wrote us meeting exclusively at night everyone would assume I'd decided on a vampire novel James: so I'm happy to hear it Ava: I think its making a comeback Ava: and I'd definitely buy you as an Edward Cullen type James: I have no clue if I should be flattered or offended Ava: A potentially complex issue, a complex character beyond the sparkles Ava: I just meant you'd be eligible for dreamboat status James: you're saying I should make a detour to buy the book or download the film to my phone right now or I shouldn't? Ava: Will we have time to watch it together is the real question Ava: Because I have to pop your 🍒 James: is it a 90 minutes is all you need kind of film or 3 hours of lingering close ups? Ava: 126 James: I can do that Ava: Yeah? James: skipping a lecture I have no desire to be in to further my hypothetical masterpiece of a novel in the early stages of its development, that's a fantastic idea Ava: 💡 Ava: Was bound to have one eventually Ava: Let's do it then James: you're claiming not to have had any before now? Ava: In my life, obviously Ava: but with you? 'close to a good idea' is as close as I've got so far James: I won't deny you the opportunity to get closer then Ava: Thank you Ava: You can find out if it's only hypothetical that I'm unable to disappoint James: I feel like I already know that Ava: You've had a taste Ava: but you can have more Ava: if you want it James: I do Ava: Okay Ava: Good James: but it's never going to be as simple as words like okay or good Ava: It could be Ava: I'm not saying all the time Ava: or even that we can always give 126 minutes to it Ava: but whatever we can James: you can't say all the time because I can't ever give you all the time James: I can't give you any more gifts or regular dates or even selfies Ava: I know that Ava: I'm not asking for any of that James: but you should James: because you're free to do whatever you want with whoever you want Ava: Exactly James: why this? Ava: because you need somebody Ava: and I like you James: oh Ava Ava: It is as simple as that James: I'll try that out, see if I can believe it Ava: I know nothing else is but Ava: why not Ava: I want to and you don't need to buy that or promise time you haven't got James: for as long as you want to then Ava: for as long as you need me then James: no because James: my life isn't going to change Ava: James James: you don't know what she's like but I know everything she's ever done or is likely to do Ava: People like that don't stop, I know that Ava: they have to be stopped James: there's no stopping her Ava: Well there's no stopping me either and I'm on your side James: you don't need this Ava: I told you, I like you Ava: I won't just turn my back on you James: I can have this car turned around, you don't have to do anything Ava: Of course I don't have to Ava: and neither do you, not with me Ava: you don't owe me anything, I'm just telling you how it is for me Ava: and I want to see you James: I want to see you too, more than when I originally said it Ava: Good Ava: Then don't turn around, yeah? James: I always do the wrong thing, I don't want to, to you James: so if you don't want me to turn around, I won't Ava: I want you to do what you want, that's all Ava: even if that was turning around, which, undeniably, would be shit but I'd survive Ava: but you wanna come, I'm almost 100% James: understood Ava: Okay Ava: I've got a great urge to tell you I'm not insane but that makes me sound more so so I'll just Ava: 😶 James: you haven't once struck me as being & I have some experience, as it were Ava: That's alright then Ava: It's a comparison I don't need, you either, I'm sure James: just don't insist I marry you & it won't ever need to be made Ava: Easy Ava: Got my word James: if only I had your skill at losing jewellery Ava: It is a talent, definitely; but unteachable? Nah James: now you've got a great urge to teach me something James: okay Ava: So many whims, only so much time Ava: Lucky I'm an excellent teacher James: very novel protagonist-esque, honestly James: you're earning your page space Ava: If fictional me gets slated as dull I'll have to change my pseudonym and run away James: you couldn't be hypothetically dull if you actually tried James: never mind close to anything else Ava: You always know just what to say yet I still believe it sincere James: it is sincere James: from the kings head shaving horror stories until now Ava: I'm confident believing it, and you Ava: because boys who always know what to say always say the wrong things James: maybe 126 minutes later I will have Ava: That's okay Ava: a mix of right and wrong Ava: that's real Ava: anything other and you're definitely up to something Ava: 😇 or 😈 either way James: I gave you a real tour the moment you asked for it, that's 😇 Ava: It felt it James: I'm not going to leave in the middle this time James: strictly end credits Ava: Don't promise Ava: that's practically begging fate James: well that's the last thing I want, my lips are sealed Ava: Your lips are Ava: 😈 James: if that means yours have to be described as 😇 I'm fine with it Ava: See? Ava: You're too good with words James: they're a very prominent feature, I couldn't help but notice Ava: I like that you notice Ava: Do it some more James: because I'm not sure I could stop if you didn't like it, it's a relief that you do Ava: Don't stop Ava: then I don't have to either James: very fair Ava: 😇 James: how far can we push that angelic streak to one side because I'm here early James: can you leave? Ava: Lessons are barely real at this point in the summer term and it isn't as if I've been paying any attention all day so Ava: Give me 10 to 'fake' needing to go lie down James: I'm not having any PTSD symptoms from being here quite yet James: take as long as you require Ava: Honestly Ava: Least it is undeniably too hot for the blazer so I won't trigger you into leaving without me James: I'm undeniably sure the way you wear it wouldn't make me wanna leave Ava: God, you are so distracting and fully aware what you're doing to me right now James: in 10 minutes, or preferably less, you'll have a car to lie down in should you suddenly really need to James: meaning I regret nothing Ava: Bad man Ava: The blush is admittedly helping my case here James: I'm not gonna lie & say if you aren't still wearing that I'll go without you but James: I do want to see it Ava: I'd say there's 0% chance of you not seeing it and a full 100% of me being unable to hide it James: 🍅 right, of course Ava: The dangers of being pale Ava: why I need this tan Ava: obviously James: how far does it go? is 😳 going to colour in your tan lines like a modern art piece James: if so that's a must for my book cover Ava: Well now we have to see how inspiring you find it Ava: even if you can't take any 📸 James: physically no, but mentally I'll take so many Ava: You're too pretty for photographs anyway Ava: you don't even look real in person James: how can you say that about another person when you look like you belong on a chapel ceiling or somewhere equally beautifully crafted? Ava: I Ava: I'm just Ava: on my way James: you can't miss me, the engine's on & the song choices are questionable James: it's very low profile Ava: Got to get the driver onboard, for future 126s James: I'll ask him if he has any knowledge of the Twilight soundtrack Ava: 😂 Ava: It goes hard, FYI James: he looked at me like he's a believer about that James: absolute Ava: Then we won't have to invite him to our viewing party Ava: Thank God James: it'd be taking politeness to new heights James: he is going to play it for us though Ava: I'm gonna tip him so hard James: It's taken care of by me James: you've agreed to hypothetically buy out everything in this coffee place in search of something I'll enjoy so Ava: Okay Ava: so if you're being polite then can I be slightly 😒 at his presence 'cos I really need to be alone with you right now? James: it's a reasonable request James: more so than the one I'd like to ask of you Ava: Go on Ava: There's clearly room and time for the unreasonable James: Ava, I hear how much you don't want to waste any of the borrowed time we're basically forced to be on, but can you please walk slowly for my mental picture gallery Ava: [Does, obviously] James: [😍 clearly as the twilight soundtrack begins to blast from this vehicle so casually] Ava: [and what a mental image that is, doing a mini run at the end 'cos excitement and nerves] James: [it's fine cos we all know he'd have to resist the urge to lowkey drag her into the car despite what he said, looking like you're getting snatched from the school gates lol] Ava: [thank God your teachers are useless and we can but hope there's no window some kid is staring that hard out] James: [just staring at her taking all those mental 📷s again though as soon as she's in] Ava: [the blush is so real and she knows it] James: [if she's blushing already wait until the kiss he initiates because obvs it'd be as hardcore as their first one but like it'd be so much more intense not only cos he wants her more but also because he wants more time to do this now. Everything would be so slow and deliberate like he's gotta savour every possible way he can kiss her and every possible tiny reaction each thing he does has] Ava: [well enjoy boy because she will be dying in all the ways like there's no hiding from the casual anticipation that has built up here] James: [they both just die there and then #plot twist] Ava: [or this driver reports you 'cos you've just picked up someone from school and started getting it on lmao, luckily you not being paid to think so shh] James: [oh my god imagine, please just drive and groove to the epic bops thank you sir] Ava: [she's 17 now we're so fine lollol] James: [he does not know that but I hope James does] Ava: [he's done a stalk, her bday wasn't that long ago in the feed] James: [true, I hope you had an epic bday babe] Ava: [no doubt baby, so we've got a pretty good plan of their afternoon plans, is there anything else we wanna say went down?] James: [good question, realistically they'd probably run out of time but also I am highkey so I'm like give them forever lol] Ava: [I assume he usually picks Jay up from School 'cos unless Chloe wanna turnt up at the gates why would she, so that'd be 3.30 say so they've got from 1ish, Chloe would still have the baby and thinks he's in class so we do have a fair whack of time] James: [not gonna let you waste all of that trying everything on a coffee shop menu, don't worry guys] Ava: [although a moment you need all the moments] James: [gotta find him something he genuinely likes cos his missus be ordering for him everywhere they go] Ava: [oat milk flat white] James: [chin chin gals] Ava: [But yeah I don't think we need a Chloe interruption this time 'cos he'll have a time he has to go anyway so suck it bitch] James: [there will be plenty of opportunities to do more of them anyway] Ava: [when your wife is controlling and crazy] Ava: [I was thinking for when we get the whole 'I don't think Jay is his' moment rolling, maybe if she finds out he's cheating again or whatever she does the typical 'she ain't even yours!' and maybe she's done it before so James just thinks she's bullshitting 'cos she's crazy but Ava is like hmm shall we like explore that though 'cos it's not 'neither of them are yours' it's always just Jay] James: [that is actually perfect though] Ava: ['cos it can escalate when she inevitably finds out it's Ava 'cos sleuthing or maybe at some point they wanna be out 'cos fuck it and she's taking it way more personal than any other girl and it's like why though so then the Buster link can come out even if she accidentally drops it 'cos so mad] James: [we all know Chloe is that bitch 100%] Ava: [🙌] James: [do we wanna do any more convo like once he had to leave or shall we post it and move on] Ava: [I'll do a lil bit 'cos straightforward, highkey and cute tbh] James: [allowing it] Ava: I hope I didn't make you late at all Ava: and that your girls like the Twilight soundtrack James: if they don't they've inherited their mother's bad taste & they've got bigger problems ahead than me being a few minutes late Ava: Obviously Ava: but I'm just saying, don't be too disappointed, no one can like it as much as you 😏 James: I don't believe that you don't like it as much as me Ava: It is more than just a hypothetical that I enjoyed myself Ava: soundtrack included but not my favourite part James: I couldn't possibly be disappointed by anything else knowing that Ava: Disappointment is not in my vocabulary right now James: you won't need to add it back in on my behalf Ava: I believe that James: when can I see you again? Ava: You tell me Ava: There are four more films James: 4? Ava: They split the last book into two, such a gimmick but you know James: I promise not to do that when I write yours Ava: Well, if I get to play myself maybe I won't mind the exposure 🤔 James: I'm not sure that I want to play myself James: in which case I would mind the increased screentime you'd then have with whoever does Ava: There's no finding anyone else with eyes as blue as yours Ava: Gonna blow the special effects budget James: 😂 Ava: I'm so serious Ava: and jealous James: I'll describe your eyes as bluer & your skin as more tan, if you like Ava: I like your candor, remember Ava: More than I'd like to be remembered as tanned and having the bluest eyes James: I'd like to remember you exactly as you are Ava: Don't say we have to leave it that long to see each other again James: not quite Ava: My parents have a 4-day business trip Fri-Mon, you could come over at some point then? James: the weekend is not going to happen but I can make Monday work James: Friday possibly Ava: Okay Ava: Not quite coffee shop level but we've got all sorts for you to try out James: you sounded like your brother then, almost James: not that he's ever propositioned me in exactly the same way Ava: Awkward Ava: I'll try and avoid that then😬😂 James: awkward will be if your parents haven't decorated since I was last there Ava: Thankfully they have Ava: and I haven't insisted on taking his room James: or your sister's? Ava: Spent loads of time in there too? Ava: no, I've got my own room James: not with her, obviously James: but you know how parties tend to overspill into every room Ava: 'Course James: are you going to have one? Ava: Undecided Ava: I'll have some people over at the weekend but it might be pretty chill James: is Teddy included in the some people? Ava: I don't know Ava: Would you like him not to be or? James: I don't know Ava: I get that it could be weird Ava: It's strange thinking how close you used to be with Buster James: but that was basically another life James: for me & for him Ava: Yeah Ava: well, I don't have to invite him, like I said, I don't even know what I fancy doing yet James: it's up to you Ava: I know Ava: It's James: it's not my business, Ava James: I shouldn't have asked Ava: No Ava: It's not not Ava: I know things are complex but I don't feel bad for her, you know Ava: I don't feel bad for doing it James: me either but not only because of the no regrets thing Ava: So it just feels weird to feel like guilty or something around your brother when I'm not Ava: He doesn't need to know and won't but it doesn't need to be any weirder than it would be if I dated any of my friend's siblings under more 'normal' circumstances James: understood Ava: Yeah? Ava: It's hard to explain James: I'm following it Ava: Not saying we are dating or Ava: you know James: I can't have a girlfriend, but if I could Ava: Really James: you'd be a good choice Ava: but I ain't James: why not? Ava: I don't know Ava: never mind James: Ava Ava: Ignore me, I don't know what I mean Ava: It's not important James: I don't want to ignore you Ava: Okay Ava: but we can talk about other things James: any topic you want Ava: Hmm Ava: Tempting but vague James: I assumed you'd prefer it over boring & specific Ava: A fair assumption Ava: What are you doing tonight though, ell me about your boring and specific James: I can't pinpoint specific dad duties as such, not with these two James: I could be gluing a doll house back together or walking an imaginary dog Ava: A handyman and a dogwalker Ava: either way, never a dull moment James: & that's without factoring in the possibility I could be dragged to a dinner party or subjected to guests arriving expecting champagne & nibbles with no prior knowledge or warning James: on any night James: how are you spending yours? Ava: Of course Ava: Expect no less from this town's leading socialite Ava: I've been summoned to a catch-up and 'homework' sesh as I didn't get back for last period Ava: the amount of messages, assumedly missed the second coming 🤷 James: I'm surprised you're not assumed to be too 'sick' to go James: maybe you shouldn't play yourself in my film either Ava: 😧 Ava: Um rude Ava: Maybe you need to try harder to make me 🍅 James: starting Friday or starting now? James: because how I would in person is not what I'm going to be able to do here Ava: Admittedly both sound intriguing James: so let's do both James: [sends her some kind of 💣🔥 sext because words are all they have as we all know what'll happen if you start sending pics, then she will and it's a whole dangerous thing] Ava: Oh Ava: and I was trying to avoid the cliche of telling you I missed you already James: there's no need to dismiss every cliche off hand James: some of them are good Ava: Some of them are very good Ava: remember when you write your book James: you'll remind me, right? James: I think we can assume too that writer's block isn't one of the enjoyable cliches Ava: I'll do my best Ava: Some protagonist I'd be otherwise James: very fair James: I'll do mine, in turn Ava: I have every faith in your way with words Ava: You've not gone wrong there yet James: [sends her another text because why not obvs, not like you're a busy man with a fam having an affair or anything] Ava: [God bless the multitask] Ava: James James: yes? Ava: It's going to be a really hard wait 'til Monday James: I'll fit you in Friday James: even if it's only an hour Ava: If you're gonna make it sound like a dentist appointment 😏 James: not the most original excuse but it'd still get you out of school Ava: Cheek 😂 Ava: My excuses are A* James: I don't doubt it James: but I don't want to find out by having you use any on me Ava: Just for you James: okay James: there's no excuses needed to keep posting selfies, is there? so I'll see you every day until Friday actually Ava: Of course Ava: Be dead suspect if I didn't tbh Ava: Can you post one? Ava: Even if you're in the background fulfilling whatever role is required at that precise moment James: for you, I will Ava: 😊 James: look out for it Ava: No.1 fan right here James: you're joking but you're not wrong Ava: Am I? 👀🤔 James: aren't you? Ava: I'll never tell Ava: Got to keep some mystery or who's gonna want to turn the page James: oh you want a mystery at the heart of this James: I see Ava: Does that not gel with your plan for the plot? James: I'll incorporate it after a quick brainstorm Ava: Hot James: 😈 Ava: Mhmm James: you're hot, I'm just lucky Ava: How so? James: to get to spend any time with you Ava: Oh please Ava: You're very good company James: most people are capable of being for a few hours Ava: Who do you know? Ava: Have to introduce me 😏 James: 😂 do you mind if I don't? Ava: I think I'll manage James: I'm happy to hear it Ava: For now, I need to be filled in on the gossip Ava: tell you if any of it is story-worthy James: do your work too please James: I'd like to follow you to a good uni Ava: Are you telling me what to do now? Ava: Don't hate that James: it's a nicely worded suggestion for now Ava: Noted 😇 James: you're going to be good then? Ava: I promised I'd be no trouble James: I know you did Ava: And I'll try really, really hard to keep that promise Ava: even if you make that difficult James: I'm trying really hard not to get in the car & come find you James: I don't think I have to tell you how difficult that is Ava: Damn responsibilities Ava: We can have all Monday though Ava: think about that when it gets tough Ava: I will James: I am Ava: 💙

[doctoraliceharvey]

Request for a Malice fic where Matthew has to go to Melbourne for a case and Alice is out of sorts because she misses him. Happy reunion ending please 😍

here you go, nonnie! I put it in the Baby Lawson universe (hope you don’t mind, it fit really well) - Dee

Wandering Thoughts

AO3 | FF.NET

---

"You alright, Alice?" Lucien's voice - and his hand upon her shoulder - jolted her from her thoughts.

"I'm… I'm fine," she nodded, diverting her attention down at the paperwork in front of her.

"You don't sound fine."

Alice rolled her eyes and gave Lucien an exasperated look - he was immune to it now that they practically saw each other all hours of the day.

(Alice really needed to make a start on finding a new house for her and Matthew; she loved the Blakes, but she loved her own space more.)

"Is it because Matthew's in Melbourne?"

She clenched her jaw - the thin gold band of her wedding ring weighing heavy on her hand and heart. Matthew had been called back to Melbourne fairly quick after their week-long honeymoon in the city (why they couldn't have just asked him to stay was something that bugged Alice to no end - she had vacation time saved up, or she could have helped out Mac at the university for a bit). They needed him on a case up there and while he was certain it wouldn't take long - a promise sealed with a kiss on the train station platform as his hand brushed against her growing bump - the days turned into weeks and Matthew had been gone almost a month now.

Oh, he called when he could - Alice staying up far later than she should, her toes growing cold in Lucien's study as she and Matthew talked until she couldn't stop the yawns every other word. But it wasn't the same as having him here. It wreaked havoc on her sleeping schedule, she tossed and turned more at night, and while her blood pressure was fine - Alice knew both the Blakes were worried about her.

She wanted Matthew; she wanted his warmth, to feel his calloused hands against her body and hear his low, rumbling voice in the early morning as he talked to her and their unborn child. She wanted her husband, but the higher ups in Melbourne weren't done with him yet.

She slumped down on a stool and sighed, "I… I miss him."

"He's your husband, it's natural to do so."

"I just… I know that he's doing this for work, that it's good for him, but… Ballarat doesn't feel like home without him."

Lucien sat on the other stool next to her - his hand rubbing her upper back gently, "He'll be done soon, Alice. Matthew's just as antsy to get home as you are for him to come back."

He leaned in with a wry grin, "I don't think he likes big cities all that much."

Alice laughed, "No, not really. At least not Melbourne. He's been catching up with his sister and mother though, sometimes I talk with them on the phone if Matthew's called out for a later shift."

"That's good! Getting to know the in-laws and all that. How about we finish up here with Mrs. Dunlop and call it a day, hm? Jean's busy with her campaign, but I know she'll probably have a good dinner on the stove at home."

Alice smiled and nodded. Together, her and Lucien finished up the autopsy (natural causes, more her field house than Lucien's, but with no active case at the moment, he was helping her out in the morgue when he didn't have patients) before they headed home.

It was still odd to walk into 7 Mycroft Avenue and call it home, but it was her home now. There'd been some whispers - some snide remarks - at Alice moving in before she and Matthew married, and more after the Lawsons stayed after the wedding. Alice held her head high - ignoring all of it, hiding her shaking hands when the talk turned to her expanding waistline.

(Those whispers, the ones that speculated on her condition and the reasoning behind her and Matthew's hasty wedding, were the ones that hurt the most - they hurt more with Matthew not here.)

She smoothed a hand over her bump - smiling softly when she felt a flutter in response as they arrived in the driveway.

"Baby Lawson already dancing in the womb?" Lucien grinned and parked the car.

"Yes, they've been very active since the honeymoon. When will others be able to feel them move?"

"Soon, very soon. I hope you've been practicing your glare, Alice, because people are going to want to touch the belly."

"I'd like to see them try," she huffed as Lucien laughed. He got out and opened her car door for her - lending her a hand to pull herself up with. Alice sighed, "I've got how much longer with this little tyke in me?"

"You're only halfway through."

"Ugh," she sighed again as they walked through the front door. "I'm over it."

Lucien laughed and helped her out of her coat as Jean leaned out of the kitchen.

"Dinner's almost ready, you two, go wash up and Lucien if you could set the table afterwards? Rose and Danny are on their way now."

"Of course, my darling," He kissed Jean on the cheek with a smile that left Alice's heart aching.

She hid the hurt throughout dinner - though she did notice Jean and Lucien exchanging looks as she idly played with her food throughout the lively discussion with Rose and Danny over old cases and stories. Everything felt muted and off as she and Jean washed the dishes - Alice barely felt the kiss on the cheek from Rose as her friend (niece? she was technically Alice's niece now) bid her goodnight.

"Why don't you go have a bath, Alice?" Jean suggested quietly. "It'll help you relax."

She wouldn't relax until Matthew was home, but Alice nodded with a faint smile. Jean ran the bath for her - putting in lavender scented bubbles - and pressed a kiss to Alice's forehead once she settled in the bath.

"Relax, Alice, I'll come get you out before you prune."

The lavender filled her senses and the bath water wrapped her in a warmth that made her feel drowsy. Alice rested her hands on the bump and gently rubbed it as she closed her eyes.

(If she willed hard enough, she could almost feel Matthew's arms around her)

Alice sighed - she didn't used to be like this. Time was, she was happy to be alone, she could sleep alone and wake up feeling refreshed. Now, Alice couldn't sleep well without Matthew's familiar warmth and weight in the bed next to her. Now, the bedroom was too quiet without his snuffling snores or his low chuckle in her ear as he teased her awake with kisses.

Matthew Lawson had ruined her - and Alice loved him for it.

"Hand inspection, Alice," Jean teased as she popped her head into the bathroom.

Alice smiled and lifted her soaking wet hands from the bath for Jean's perusal.

"Hm, just starting to wrinkle. How are you feeling?"

"Like I'm about to fall asleep in the tub."

"Mm, can't have that, can we?" Jean reached down and pulled the plug. She helped Alice stand and wrapped her in a fluffy towel. "C'mon, into pajamas and then into bed for you."

She didn't fight Jean's motherly coddling, instead she leaned against her friend - suddenly more tired than she originally thought she was - and listened to Jean's soothing voice as Alice dressed in her pajamas and wrapped herself up in Matthew's heavy dark green bathrobe.

"Would you like some company?" Jean smoothed back Alice's hair from her face with a warm smile.

Alice shook her head, "No… I think I'll try reading before I go to sleep, Jean, but thank you."

"How about some ginger tea then, and a bit of shortbread in case you get a craving for something sweet?"

Alice's heart warmed at Jean's generosity and she nodded.

"Thank you, Jean… I know I haven't been the most… engaged lately."

"You're worried about Matthew, that's understandable, Alice. I'd be exactly the same if it were Lucien. You're family, and family takes care of each other even if we're out of sorts."

Jean kissed her forehead and left the room. Alice flipped to her bookmark and read without actually processing the words on the page. Voices out in the hallway drew her attention from the same paragraph she'd been trying to read at least five times and Alice leapt to her feet when she heard Matthew's familiar timbre.

Lurching to a stop at the end of the hallway, Alice clung to the wall when she saw her husband by the front door - nodding along at Jean's idle chiding, his shoulders slumped in the way they did whenever he was exhausted - and a holdall at his feet.

He was home.

"Ah, there she is," Jean smiled when she noticed Alice lurking. "Go on, I'll fix up the tea for both of you."

Matthew squeezed Jean's shoulder and started down the hallway towards Alice. Alice willed her feet to move and practically ran into his arms; he let out a faint chuckle as they teetered for a second - Jean steadied them both as Matthew held Alice tight and Alice wrapped her arms around his neck.

"You're home," she let out a shuddering sigh - a few tears slipping out to dampen his collar.

"I am. The case is done, I'm home and I'm not leaving again any time soon."

She sniffled and held him tighter, "Good."

"I'm sorry I had to leave you, sweetheart," Matthew pressed a kiss to the side of her head.

"I know you didn't want to, Matthew."

He pulled back and kissed her gently - wiping away her tears with his thumb. "Next time, I'm saying no."

Alice shook her head, "Don't do that, Matthew. It's your job."

"And you're my wife, you're more important."

She cupped his face with her hands, "I don't want you to throw away your career for me. We've got more than each other to think about."

---

He leaned his forehead against hers as she pulled one of his hands down to the bump where their child grew. Matthew sighed as he drew strength from his wife and their unborn baby - Alice was right, Baby Lawson was joining them in little over four months and they'd need both incomes to raise the baby (and buy a new house). He couldn't afford to say no to Melbourne, but he also didn't want to be away from his loved ones that long again.

"How about, the next time you have a case in Melbourne, I see if Mac needs help and come up with you?"

"Even after the baby's born?"

Alice shrugged with a smile, "It'd be an adventure for Baby Lawson."

Matthew pictured Alice in the morgue with their child in a sling against her chest - Alice bouncing slightly to soothe the baby as she and Mac did a full autopsy and he laughed at the image. "Our kid's gonna know how to do an autopsy before they can walk."

She kissed him, "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Matthew kissed her back. "I love you, Alice Lawson."

She grinned against his lips, "And I love you, Matthew Harvey."

Matthew held her close as they had a late night tea with the Blakes. He squeezed her hand tight as they wrapped it up fairly quickly - Jean and Lucien beating a hasty retreat to the studio as Alice pulled him towards their bedroom.

He was tired, but at the first brush of Alice's hands against his neck, Matthew needed her. She sensed the same thing and in between heated kisses they left a trail of clothes on the floor. It was quick and quiet, their lovemaking - brought on by time spent apart and the need to feel her skin against his without making too much noise to disturb the rest of the house; Alice seemed especially impatient and took the lead. As they lay next to each other, panting softly, Alice let out a soft laugh and Matthew joined in - the two of them giggling in the tangled sheets of their bed.

"Welcome home," Alice pressed a kiss to his chest.

He ran his hands through her hair and pulled her up for a slow kiss. "It's good to be back."

[kiaraspeaks]

Bryden Campbell:

It haunts Bryden that the man who is responsible for not only razing Mound Bayou to the ground is the same man's words who lead her to odd corners of the world. She doesn't know how to envision her own life without the agency. Would her parents still have met? What would the world have looked like? She looked at his scrawly handwriting and snapped the book shut and placed it back inside her bag with the rest of his dusty artifacts. As much as she hated this monster, he had never put terrible things like this into play. It was odd to be reading these words, exposing old secrets and trying to make amends, not for him, but to free herself and her family and give as many people a better life. She still knew this would never be enough.

Bryden stared out at the road ahead of her, she was surrounded by the night sky, the sound of bikes racing up and down the street, the lights of the gas station above flickered on and off, casting sickly green glow over them, and high grass on the other side of the station. She was exhausted looking for the clues this fucked up old man left behind, but it was the lot in life that she had chosen. Bryden pulled her hoodie over her head and parked the car, she placed the keys on the dashboard and leaned back in her seat, she hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep but she could sleep when Richard Pennyson was dead.

For now her face was plastered on every website, hung on posters across the United States and abroad, even here in Pakistan. Some rallied behind her and others called for her head on a pike. When word got out that the Soldier-Killing-gun-toting-supposedly-well-trained-child soldier was wanted all those megalomaniacs obsessed with some invisible war hung on every corner peering into the face of every young black girls face. It’s not what Bryden wanted, she was alright with a target on her back but nobody else’s, not innocent women and kids with too much of the world's problems on their shoulders already.

Bryden left Diaz back at the hotel while she struggled to find the man that Meriwether only described as 'the Good Doctor', she knew it had to be a pun of some sort. Good people didn't work for the agency, you couldn't retain your goodness and common decency and still be an agent of the state. Her father's words still weighed on her, for her to be able to trust him or her mother she needed to know the truth, starting with all those kids that disappeared on the island. She didn't fully expect her connect to pick up everything they were doing and fly to see them, but they did.

Someone tapped on the passenger side window before opening the door. They pulled their hood back and Bryden was surprised to see him, she didn’t expect him to answer her so soon. He had a file tucked under his arm, a bag slung across his chest and tilted his head to the side, the last time she saw him she left him back at a hotel in the Philippines. He had his own problems and knew meeting up with her was a favor, one she would have to pay back sooner than later.

“Look at you sweet thing, thought you didn’t get down with treason.” Gato said and laughed softly, hadn't he joked about treason with her before? She had had Ashanti on her mind back then, not this, nothing as complicated as taking on one of the most Dangeorus men in the United States.

“I don’t.”

“So they just fucking with your good name?” Gato asked.

“No, not exactly, I did something, something I probably shouldn't have.” Bryden said,

"Tell me more, tell me more." He said and propped his chin up on his elbow like they were at a sleepover, not like she was at the top of the United States shit list. He didn't look the slightest bit worried and it put her at ease a bit, but just a bit.

“But I’m not going to take that shit laying down.”

“You don’t seem like the type.”

“So do you have what I asked for?" Bryden asked, she hadn't called him for a roll in the hay, she needed the information, somewhere deep inside she wanted to trust her father. Years ago he had saved her, she felt like a damned fool for wanting his help after all this time. He was an agent and one of the damned best ones, he was trained to disarm others with first his words and eventually his weapons. This would put any worries to rest or so she told herself, Gato didn't give a shit about her parents, he could remain objective, wouldn't skew result in anybody's favor.

“Yeah, I had to call my ex-fiance  but I got it.”Gato said.

“Ex-fiance?” Bryden questioned.

“It was a long time ago sweet thing,  don't worry, you didn’t break up a happy home or anything.” He

“Happy home my ass, you propositioned me.”

“Didn’t expect you to be down for it.” He said and held the file out to her and she reached for it and he snatched it back, he cupped her chin with one free hand, holding her close to him as he whispered. She could kill him right now for doing such a thing, but she figured she'd entertain him, see just what his full plan was for her. “Tell me one thing.”

“Sure, it’s not like my life is in danger or anything.” Bryden said.

“You did that for you, right? None of this was about Ashanti. You didn’t kill for him, right?” He said with a touch of irritation and disappointment in his voice.

“It benefitted us both.” Bryden lied, killing the soldiers meant Ashanti had the men who hurt his family put to death, but Bryden hadn't exactly had that benefit. She could have gotten what she needed by grabbing one of them and cutting off their finger tips until they gave her the information she needed. So why had she done it? Why had she been so damn foolish? She knew whoever was out there, taunting her, pulling her into their twisted sordid game,

“Sweet thing,” He said in that charming and irritating chiding way of his, “What did I tell you about Ashanti?”

“Not to trust him.” Bryden said.

“And what did you do?” He asked, he had been leaning in closer and closer, if she just tilted her head forward they'd be kissing. She thought about the Royal Mandaya, it felt like a million years ago, and she felt wound even tighter now than she had back then with her parents and the Russian Mafia breathing down her neck. Now that felt like a cake walk compared to taking on a literal global army willing to do whatever to kill her.

“I fucked him.” She said but she hadn't looked away from him yet, he released his firm grip on her chin.

“They always do.” He said but his face remained passive, then he held the file out to her, “He call back yet?”

“We didn’t come here for a heart to heart, Gato.” She said.

“So that’s a no.” He said and snickered.

"Now I've got a question for you." She said as she began to go over the file. Richard Pennyson had approved the attcks, he had a list of children and they were all on there, even her name, a few had been checked off but the Santos family had passed on the job. If Gato was as honest as he was flirty, then Jodiah struck the fear of God into the family which should have been very hard to do, she knew what the Santos family was capable of. She took his silence as time to ask her question, out of the corner of her eye she saw he was sitting rigidly, "Would you take a hit out against me?"

"I think my feelings might actually be hurt, Bryden." He said, his playful tone and demeanor had changed, he looked actually hurt by her question.

"That's not a yes or a no."

"Of course I wouldn't." Gato said and reached over again, this time reaching out and stroking the side of her face gently, lovingly, as if they were still trapped in a world where she was trying to run away from her problems. Sometimes she wished she never would have left that hotel. "We may not have known each other long, but I like you."

"You kill for a living, you could just be saying that."

"Bryden, I don't know what world you live in that you think your murders somehow carry less weight than mine do. I've never killed agents, I've never killed any of Amir Malik's men, you're making a name for yourself worldwide, in your world and mine. I'm not sure what's going on with you but some men have codes."

"I'm covering every alley and avenue." Bryden said as she snapped the file shut and looked back over to him.

“It’s going to be ok.” Gato said and placed his hand on her shoulder.

“What makes you say that?”

“You just saw red, I know you just saw red because I read that file and I saw red.” Gato said, “I’d kill him and his kids, I’d wipe him from the face of the planet for free if I wasn’t tied up in some shit.”

“He… those kids…” Bryden said, if she was going to take down Richard Pennyson she needed to close up her own loose ends, including the people who tried to kill her, the people who put a smoking gun to her head when she was only ten years old. Why did he want her dead? Why did he let all those kids die, not just in her classroom, but on the island. Why was her father right about such an awful thing? Those kids who died or were snatched from the island during training were all ordered to die directly from Pennyson. What a sick bastard. But as her father had said, men that evil don't die so easily and she knew there had to be more than two men involved in this, she'd press her old man more about this later.

“They were your friends.”

“Yeah and he had us killed… he targeted us like we were nothing, we didn’t do anything to him. What the hell is his problem?”

“Maybe he wasn’t hugged enough as a child.”

“Well he can hug his casket.” Bryden said and reached under her seat and handed him an envelope full of cash. He had his gun drawn on her and she smirked, “Relax, it’s your money” He peered into the envelope and then shoved it in his hoodie pocket.

“We are still killers and I always have to be careful,” Gato said and put his gun down, “If you need anything else, sweet thing, just ask.”

“See you say that but I feel like there’s a catch.”

“That kid I’m raising--"

“Yeah, what about them?” Bryden asked.

“Some dangerous people want her dead, really dead, dead as in dead last year.”

“And you want them to go away, I’m guessing.”

“The ones I can’t touch myself, yes.” Gato said, “My world has rules, doesn’t fucking seem like it but there are rules and lines we can’t cross.”

“You mean there are lines you can't cross, well good thing you got me. Consider them buried in Utah.” Bryden said and slid the file under her seat and grabbed her keys and turned on the car, “If shit does go left…”

“Don’t talk like that, sweet thing. I’m just getting to know you and I like what I see.” He said.

“And I think I really need to stop fucking around with hardened criminals.”

“You gonna let Ashanti ruin the rest of us good bad guys for you?” Gato asked.

“Be that as it may, if things do go left there will be some money left for you to handle the rest.”

“By that you mean?”

“His kid, his house, the dog, I want that shit gone, I want him on his knees begging for somebody to end it.”

“Shit won’t go left, but I would like to be there to see that. My sweet thing bringing one of the world’s most powerful asshole to his knees.”

“Your sweet thing?” Bryden questioned while cocking one eyebrow.

“We work good together, you can't deny that."

“No truer words have been spoken, now get out of my car and go take care of your kid.” Bryden said and he sat there for a moment staring at her with that stupid look on his face before he leaned forward and kissed her, it was a deep kiss, it reminded her of their night in the Philippines. When his warm hands began to slip up her shirt she stopped him, there was no time for that, for now she needed to focus on finding the Good Doctor.  “Get out before you make me regret this.”

“Of course, sweet thing, I’ll see you soon.”

“You really think so?” She asked.

“You’ll need me again and you still owe me.” He said and she watched him cut across the gas station lot, yelling to some kids and they quickly scattered from his dirt bike, he peeled off disappearing into the darkness, Bryden thought about the file, about her father and about what the future held. As she turned towards the old dirt road she dialed his phone number.

"Your sources check out?" Her father asked, she could hear him walking around, something glass clinking against another surface before he settled in an old chair or a new bed.

"Yeah, they did." Bryden said.

"Why can't you just date normal young men?" Her father asked, she got the feeling he had eyes everywhere and better eyes than Pennyson. She peered out the window looking around.

"We're not dating, and where would be the fun in that?"

[myriadxofxmuses]

Despair immeditely enveloped him when she spoke of Lorelei's birth. He should have been there. But the more he had searched to more dead ends he came across. Every path he'd taken had been telling him to give up. He should have continued searching for her however instead of giving up when every lead ended in nothing.

He risked a step forward, the unspoken need to be close to her pulling him in like a magnet. "She is a blessing," he agreed quietly. "And I should have been there. You deserved better from me. She deserved better. I can't take back what I've done Clare, but I can try and make it right from here on out. I want to be a part of her life. And a part of yours," he started explaining before she could once again take off.

He reached for her once more, the touch of her skin against his sending a chill up his spine. Oscar hadn't realized just how much he'd missed her until now. It was true he had been well aware of her absence, the desire to see and hold his child growing deeper and deeper by the day. A desire taken from him before he had a chance to find out Clare was right about him. But his need to be with his child was nothing compared to the ache he felt without her there -  oblivous to his need to have her by his side until now.

"You should have never had to go through that, but none of us could have been there. No matter how badly we wanted to. You dropped off the face of the Earth. You chose to leave. You chose to exclude us. You, Clare. Not me. Not Jace. Not any of us. And do you want to know how I know that it was all your decision and fuck the rest of us?" he asked his anger once more beginning to tickle his senses as he remembered how that, no matter what any of them did, she wanted to remain gone.

He may have been an ass when the news of her pregnancy hit, but she had been the one to ditch out on everyone. She had been the one who decided for all of them that they were not to be involved.

"Because I tried finding you. I exhausted every avenue, even putting an APB out from the bureau and do know what I got? A bunch of nothing. It was like your name had been erased from every database. You became a ghost. That is not my fault," he told her firmly, still able to control the dragon awakening within.

He was physically taken aback however as she continued and demanded he disappear. For good. A shocked huff fell from him and it was abudantly clear that she was just as stubborn as she was before she left.

"You want me gone? Seriously?" he asked, clearing away the lump in his throat, though the sadness could still be heard in his voice.

His eyes dampened as they stared at her, desperately searching for any little sign that she was just lieing to hide her real feelings, but she was steadfast in her desire for him to leave them alone.

Clare would never understrand the torment he'd gone through with her absence. The ache he'd felt every time he hit a dead end while looking for her. How he even considered shaking down the entire cub to get just an iota of information on where she might be, the act more damaging then any insut she could hurl his way. It would have driven a wedge between him and Jace, not to mention the Stranglers already thin trust would have been broken, and Emily would have hated him for it.

But he had been willing to risk it all to find Clare and their baby until Jace made it clear that if she wanted to be found she would been. That even his efforts had been unsuccessful and there was nothing Oscar, or any of them, could do differently to change that. That he should just let it go and give her the space she so obviously wanted from all of them. So that was what he did. And apparently that was what he would have to do now.

He pursed his lips and shook his head, letting his gaze leave her finally. "Alright. Fine. You want me gone, then I'm gone," he agreed with obvious hurt in his voice.

He glanced out at his daughter and very nearly broke knowing this had been his one shot to become a father and he'd ruined it.

"But I want you know that I'm not the man you think I am anymore Clare," he added choking back the tears and bringing his gaze back to her. "I just wish you would have given me a chance to prove it to you."

He started toward the door, gently pushing through her as he passed by, pausing just before leaving. He gave her one last glance before disappearing thruogh the door and leaving.

-----

Confusion, sadness, anger, fear. It all swirled within fighting for control as Jace spelled out exactly how he was feeling.

"Jace, I didn't....That's not..." she stumbled, her eyes now filling with silent tears. Her mind was unable to form a complete sentence as he continued. Shock washed through her when he turned his back on her and told her to leave.

"What?" she asked softly.

This couldn't be happening. Her entire world was crumbling around her and she choked back a sob as he walked down the hall. Her feet slowly started running after him, their invisible pull on each other tugging her in his direction. Pictures on walls began to shake gently as she passed. Drink glasses softly clattered along the bar shelves. Ashtrays scattered around had started wobbling as she rushed toward him.

"Jace. Wait. Please," she begged, her hands reaching out for him to stop his tracks, placing herself in front of him again. "Don't do this," she pleaded through staccato sobs. "Don't give up on us because they're having problems. I didn't know any of this until today. I would never have kept something like this from you."

Her heart ached to the point of explosion. Her knees felt weak. Her stomach was in knots. A shiver of sorrow crept over her skin and she hugged herself tightly. This wasn't fair. She didn't deserve to be blamed for Clare and Oscar's unknown procreation.  She had to stop this.

"Please Jace. Don't leave me," she added with a quivering lip. "Please just...."

She fought to gain control of the tears threatening to take over, pushing all rational thought from her mind. All she wanted was Jace. All she wanted was to go back to yesterday when things were good between them. After everything they'd been through over the past two years, she couldn't live without him. He was her everything and without him, life meant nothing.

"Please can we just talk about this?" she asked avoiding his gaze.

She was doing her best to prepare herself for the inevitable denial, but she couldn't bare to see his fury with her when he finally discarded her. Her heart was already breaking, things around them shaking more and more the deeper her hurt cut through her.

writingxthexsilence​:

His anger was growling within, begging to be let free. To force her to listen to him. To listen to reason. They may have despised each other before, but things were different. They were connected by more than just some unexplainable infection. Although Emily and Jace had been more than happy to fall right into the soul mate theory, they hadn’t been. Even after they’d started their secret trysts neither could accept it.

Oscar, however, now fully believed that nutjob who swore he had gained a psychic like power from his own infection. That he could see people’s auras and those that were meant to be together. Oscar nev believed in that supernatural, new age mumbo jumbo until now.  Until their child.

Like a sinner between worn pews, she begged the vague and hidden beings of the universe for him not to touch her. The ice of her feelings was just forming, two years without his presence gave little fruit to her immunity towards the father of her child. She wanted to hate him, even before Lei rearranged the stars in the sky and gave her inner peace, but she couldn’t.

Keep reading

[brooklynislandgirl]

The best otp Z and Beth. I'm not biased.

This Meme|Accepting

who wakes the other one up with kisses

He could just shove the curtain open. Let the sun stream over her, refracting off the clear crystal vase on her nightstand until it pries open her eyes with fractions of rainbows, but that means something else would fill them with light. He could just pull the covers down off the gentle slopes of her skin ~a hint or two darker than his, though she says the opposite, says they are gold and bronze~ but that would mean something else would caress her in warmth while she stretched catlike to greet it.

Instead, he starts the coffee with a single spared thought. Reaches around to cup her chin and chases away the shadows that have no right to be there on her lips. Beth, as she always does, smiles into the curve of his mouth. As always, presses herself as close to him as she can without sharing his own body.

They don’t need to sleep, but he knows she’s never rested so well as she has since he invited her into his bed.He could almost tell her the same thing.

He won’t.She doesn’t ask. She doesn’t need to.

who cooks for whom

She looks like a half-drownt rat.She’s cold and she’s wet and she clearly doesn’t have the sense of a rock. So he makes her sit in a chair and begrudgingly, he makes her soup and sandwiches. Doesn’t want the responsibility of having to dispose of her body.That was the first time he cooked for her.The second time had her up against the wall, tension all but violating them both.

He lost count of all the in-betweens and all the afters.It’s become a habit now. He tells himself its because she would otherwise starve. She doesn’t eat much to begin with and sometimes she never finishes. It borders on affront. She doesn’t think and he dampens that biting anger.It’s been eons since he’s had to scrape and scramble for anything, but that particular remembrance has never left him, any more than his scars can. 

He chalks it up to disgust when she threatens to make oatmeal for breakfast that he goes out of his way to make something {anything} else.

Feeding her has nothing to do with the way she hovers near him, picking at things until he’s forced to slap her hand away and growl. Then the game changes. Beth is easy to distract.She doesn’t understand what food means to someone who never really had it. It’s genetics that he’s built the way he is, not because he’s ever been nourished and nurtured.And he’s not about to let her go without, despite the lack of self-preservation she has going on.

who is the morning person/night person

He noticed the change soon after she’d died in his arms.She started to creep closer toward the windows long after the sun had set. Once or twice she’d gone out and stayed until the darkness had completely embraced her and her heart hammered in her chest, rabbit-like, before she came back inside as fast as she could do without drawing attention to herself. Pressed into him until he reached up and stroked her throat.Night is still his, but she’s learning to accept it. Her willingness to try and not fear it.

And he still thinks morning belongs to her. If he were a jealous man, he might almost be inclined to murder the sun and the way it chases through her hair and glitters off each poised muscle when she’s swimming or surfing. He won’t. Because he’s not a jealous man, and has no reason to feel threatened by anything less than the small woman who steals his clothes and drinks her coffee on his porch.And he certainly doesn’t smile when her back is to him and that light warms the coldest places in his depths.who is the romantic one

Tickets from the first movie they saw together in a theatre are tucked haphazardly inside of a book. Fighting with a large army under your command is nowisedifferent from fighting with a small one: it is merely a question ofinstituting signs and signals.

Dried roses from the first bouquet he offered her frame her side of the mirror. 

He keeps a stand he carved from cyprus wood by the door for her shoes.When she works overnight shifts, he curls up with a good book in the tranquility carved out of the space where she isn’t, and her pillow takes up the room where she should be.He remembers their anniversary and keeps tokens around his houses. If she ever doubted he was a romantic, Zarek has proven Beth wrong at every turn, and she can’t help but wonder if he didn’t actually mean forever. Even if he didn’t, she sees it in all the little things he does.

who is the top when it comes to sex

She doesn’t know when the exact moment was that she realised she’d break every one of her precious commandments for him. Perhaps the most egregious example of the depths of her blasphemy is when he’s wringing every last desperate cry of ‘oh God’ that she can bother to vocalize before he breaks her down into whimpers and keening little moans.His hands, his mouth, every part of him invades her senses and her body with equal aplomb and the way she writhes even she can’t tell if she’s moving away or trying to get closer still.

And here he’s at his worst, his most unrestrained. There’s no forgiveness as he crashes into her like waves on the shore.There’s no mercy and no salvation when his teeth graze her and her nails dig so deep that his blood practically drips down her arms the way sweat sheens between them.

This isn’t punishment, though it could be if she wanted it to.It’s not quite attrition, though that’s exactly what it looks like.No, he’s claiming what is his after lifetimes and he only takes what she’s willing to give. It’s always been by consent.And when they’re both exhausted and sated he rests on his back, his arm curled protectively around hers. Her palm wide-spread against the scar that mars the skin at the center and just a little left of his chest. The only sound is their panting breath.

She can’t do anything about the one who put it there, but she won’t let anyone else come that close to him ever again.who would lead in ballroom dancing

It was the key, he learned that afternoon on the rooftop and in the rain.

The way she smiled and listened to him not with her brain but with her body, her heart. Instinct moved them as one as she picked up the steps. He guided her, told her the story of how he’d learned, though some of the blood-drenched details he kept to himself. She was still soft, he told himself, still innocent of his darker nature.

Frenetic movement became smooth and still like glass, obeying his commands without question, without hesitation.

It became easier after that. The grace and beauty of dancing translated directly into teaching her how to better protect herself. A time or two he actually had a challenge defending himself from the feints and the strikes.Even he had to admit, if to himself, she was radiant. If he ever were inclined to see her on a battle field, she would have been beautiful to behold.He’s not inclined.He’s sooner throw himself on his own sword than let her come close to getting hurt.who is the more cuddly one

“You do realise we have furniture, right, Beth?””Yes.”

”Just checking.”

”You have excellent taste.”

”Not talking about that furniture we have, are you?”

”Not even a little bit.”

”Five more minutes and then I have things I need to do.”She opens her mouth and-

”No. You are not on that list, piccola.”He grins when she sighs and tries to bite his shoulder.Tries.who is the one to most likely pick the movie they watch

It fascinates Beth, the range of his tastes. And she’s more than content to let him pick them out because she’d learned long ago that movies tended to be avenues of connection. She supposed acting was fundamental across cultures, from the first stories told in the firelight inside damp caves to avant-garde kids these days with phones and dreams and the will to make art.She also wondered if he’d learn some of his traits that way, expressions that occasionally didn’t sit completely right on his features. If he sometimes shut his mind off and let the story wash over him. She had learned to be a little stealthier watching him watching a movie but she was sure he felt the pull of her curiosity.

And almost like second-sight, he learned how to fix that.He started putting the closed captions on for her.who is the one who would pay for dates

It’s infuriating, no matter how hard he tries there’s something broken about Beth. He’s almost starting to wonder if she’s being insulting on purpose. The way she says ‘his’ when he insists it’s ‘ours’. The way she tends to forget his credit cards when she goes out shopping. His donations done through a series of shell-companies, wire transfers, and third parties that can’t be directly connected to him. It’s like she had a need to make him jump through hoops and he’s not a circus performer, not even for her.It makes no sense. Of course he’d run a background check the first time he had put space between them. He wasn’t stupid and it all seemed like too much of a coincidence to be real. Her family were once in the hierarchy of the elite and even after Black Tuesday in ‘29, they were heads and tails above the population in terms of financial stability. There were allowances for her paternal grandparents {still alive in Florida as far as he could tell, though she didn’t talk about them}. And for her father {she talked about him even less}. But the bulk of the monthly stipend had been shared between herself and her sainted brother.

She poured those resources into charity work. Commendable. Foolish, perhaps, but exactly the kind of thing he’d come to expect of her. Beyond that, she made decent living off her nursing skills, until she took her extended stay and came crashing into his life.

“Beth. It’s dinner. At a restaurant ...not the National Debt.”“I know...but...”“But...what?” Barely a growl, his patience slipping.“I don’t want...”He could feel his fingers tightening out of frustration. 

“I don’t want to take advantage of you. I don’t ever want you to feel used.” 

He counts to ten. Pushes down the flare of his temper. She’s being silly. She was often just that. At the same time his anger isn’t entirely directed at her. A good part of it was directed at whomever treated her like so much dirt that his Beth felt like she didn’t deserve the best he had to offer her.

“If I felt that way, we would not be here.”He can tell just by the way she looks down that she doesn’t believe him. And he doesn’t know how to make her change her mind.

who is the one who would initiate a quicky during classes

She can’t. Try as hard as she wants, she can’t ignore the way he’s looking at her, that dark hooded gaze that makes her feel like prey. And the worst part about it is he knows it. He knows that look alone is enough to excite her beyond any reasonable hope.

She’s splitting her attention between the instructions and the way he’s leaning in the doorway. Watching her hands, judging just a little that she’s adjusting the grip she has on the knife.

The way she slides it between skin and flesh. She sets it down. Even if she can heal herself she doesn’t want to lose a finger. Beside she needed to...

He’s suddenly beside her, reaching around slowly to grab kitchen wipes off the counter.

“Kealoha...if you want to eat dinner like...ever...”He takes one hand and begins cleaning it for her, tracing slow circles against her palm.

“Seriously, Z...”“We can order out.”Truth be told, he didn’t mind so much that she couldn’t cook.