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spartanguard · 5 years ago

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sick of love (3/3)

Summary: If Emma’s not careful, she just might bump into her soulmate. Physically. And while she might like the idea of what comes with that—an almost psychic connection whenever they make skin contact—she’d rather not deal with the awful withdrawal sickness that can come when they inevitably leave her; she’s got a son, so she doesn’t have time for that. So she keeps herself covered and thinks she’ll be okay. Until she meets Killian, who does the same thing. Will their barriers protect them, or just hurt them more?

A/N: LAST CHAPTER AH. I meant to have this done sooner, but I didn’t get much writing done at camp—so here we are on Friday! It ended up much longer than anticipated, but this is where it earns the M rating. I hope this was worth the wait, and thank you for sticking with it!

As stated before, this story was inspired by this tumblr post. Thank you again to the organizers of @cssns for putting on this awesome event and to @sherlockianwhovian for making that AMAZING art up there!

Wrong.

So fucking wrong.

More wrong than any other time in her life.

That first night after the collision on the train, she got drunk on Sam Adams and blamed that on why the barrage of text messages from Killian mysteriously disappeared from her phone.

By Thursday, Henry had asked why they hadn’t yet had dinner with Killian that week. “Because you have school now, mister,” worked as an excuse.

And thankfully, she managed to hide her sigh of relief when Killian wasn’t at dinner at the Nolans, supposedly because he was called into work.

Halfway through the next week, Henry asked if they had a fight or something. “Yeah, or something,” was her lame, mumbled response. “It’s an adult thing.”

That was enough to get him to stop asking questions, though he had plenty of comments after the following Friday’s dinner—she decided that would be the best time to track her latest skip and dropped Henry off to stay with Snow and Dave for the night, and her resolve hardened when she saw the Chevelle in the driveway.

“You know, Killian seemed kind of mopey,” Henry told her when she picked him up the next morning. “Kind of like he did when we first met him.”

“He just gets like that sometimes; maybe it was something at work.”

“Maybe; I dunno. It seemed different. He says hi, though.”

He’d said more than that in the texts she kept deleting. Though those were usually something along the lines of Please, Swan—just talk to me.

What she wouldn’t admit was how much those broke her heart.

She wanted to; she really did. She missed him, dammit. But that would mean acknowledging whatever had passed between them as something real, that the whole idea actually had merit, and she wasn’t ready for that level of anything yet. She wasn’t even ready to kiss him, for fuck’s sake; even the title “boyfriend” held more weight than she was ready to carry.

And part of her still was in denial, sure that she’d imagined it because of that little romantic part of her that wanted something more.

She’d learned long ago to ignore that small voice, and she could shut it up again.

She didn’t do soulmates.

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A couple more weeks went by and fall arrived—her favorite. She wrapped up in a scarf on that first day, inhaling the chill in the air and making sure to stop for a pumpkin spice latte. Part of her wondered what kind of scarf Killian was wearing, if he even had one on—and then the rest of her put that idea to rest.

His texts became more sporadic; she never saw him on the train. He hadn’t been at Snow and David’s the last couple weeks and apparently had been stuck on the night shift for the last month. She was getting better at not thinking about him, but her mind generally wandered in his direction without her realizing it had.

There was a near run-in a week ago at the Chinese place; she saw his name on the receipt of the bag next to hers, and never paid so quick in her life. But otherwise, she’d been Killian-free for a month and was feeling just fine.

See? Nothing to worry about, she assured herself. Maybe in a couple more weeks, she could seek him out again, apologize, and they could carry on like that scare never happened.

But that thought got delayed when she came down with a cold a few days later.

She had a headache that wouldn’t go away and was tired a lot more than usual. The kitchen lights seemed especially harsh and there was a lingering bit of nausea that never quite sent her running for the toilet, but was definitely annoying.

“Are you feeling okay, Henry?” she’d ask every day, checking for a fever and his skin for any clamminess. She just needed to touch him, to make sure he was okay; or maybe she was being clingy because he had just started middle school.

“I’m fine, Mom,” he’d say, shrugging her off. “Are you?”

“Yeah, totally.”

Part of her wondered, when the nausea continued for a week without abating, if she was somehow pregnant again. It felt a lot like the early stages. But immaculate conception had only happened once, to her knowledge, so she had probably just picked up the flu somewhere.

She tried to power through it—even going on desk duty at her bail bonds firm (which she rarely, if ever did), but then her hands started cramping up from all the typing and kind of stayed that way. And good lord, that was terrible coffee in there, but she was so parched that she’d take it. She complained about it to Snow, who gave her a sidelong glance that fell somewhere between pitying and knowing, but amazingly gave no lecture. She just gave her a box of rose-flavored tea and a hug.

It wasn’t the first time she’d been sick in Henry’s lifetime—no one had that good an immune system—but she felt terrible that it was putting her so out of commission (in addition to, you know, feeling terrible).

“What kind of flu did you give me, kid?” she asked, voice hoarse, when Henry brought her tea in bed on her birthday.

“Maybe it’s something worse, Mom,” he said, and she could see how scared he was. “Maybe you should go to the ER?”

Cold dread washed over her at the mention of the place (or maybe it was just a chill resulting from the recently developed fever; it was hard to tell). “No; I’m not that bad,” she promised, despite how awful she sounded. “But if it makes you feel better, I’ll go to urgent care.”

There was one on their block, but she didn’t even have the energy to walk that far. Just getting to her car was draining. Her hand struggled to cooperate with the pen while filling out forms, which included firmly checking the “no” box next to the question asking if she had lovesickness. She had the flu—that was it.

(Not that lovesickness had any true treatment; even at hospitals, all they could do was put a person on an IV of fluids and pain killers until it was done. So there was really no point in an urgent care even asking. Jerks.)

The doctor asked the usual questions—symptoms, how long she’d had them, and a whole bunch of other stuff that was already on the forms—before actually reading what was on the clipboard, squinting, then looking up at her skeptically. “Are you sure you don’t have lovesickness?”

“Positive,” she snapped back.

He gave her another incredulous look, shook his head, and wrote her a prescription for a generic antibiotic—which was all she needed, she was sure, and not the judgment of some two-bit doctor with bleached hair.

She felt better the next morning, after medicine and rest; good enough to go to work, so she started to get ready. See—she’d been right! It was just a bug. Nothing crazy or earth-shattering, just a run-of-the-mill thing.

Or, at least, that was her last thought before the world turned on it’s axis and she passed out on her bed.

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“Emma, are you sure I can’t take you to the hospital? You passed out, for crying out loud!” She could always count on David’s brotherly instincts to border on paternal.

“I’ll be fine; I promise. I just need to ride it out some more.”

David huffed, clearly not pleased with the situation. She wasn’t thrilled with it, either, but she wasn’t fit to be Henry’s mom until this thing had ran its course, or the antibiotics stopped making her dizzy—whichever came first. Henry was the one who found her unconscious, though she roused quickly; but it shook him enough that she didn’t want him around while she was still this sick. She’d never forgive herself if she got him sick, too.

“And you’re sure it’s just a bug?”

“Yes! Oh my god,” she rasped out, though it didn’t sound as convincing with her weakened voice. “Go! Have fun! Make sure he gets to school on time, does his homework, et cetera.”

David sighed again, but she could tell from the slump of his shoulders that he’d relented. “Alright; but make yourself some tea and get some rest. We’ll check in on you—no complaints. And if you don’t answer your phone, we’re coming to get you.”

“Fine,” she huffed; that was fair. Henry shuffled out from his room then, with an overstuffed duffel. For a moment, it reminded her of being a kid and her entire life fitting in one of those as she was moved from home to home; her eyes watered at the memory, but she—and Henry—knew he had a home to come back to; this was temporary. “Be good for your aunt and uncle,” she told him, and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead (which seemed a lot closer to chin than it had the day before).

“I will. Please get better soon, Mom,” he said, worry in his voice and his big brown eyes.

“I will. I promise.”

She couldn’t get worse, right?

Why did she keep saying that? Famous last words, no doubt.

Because she’d hardly settled on the couch after they left before another wave of vertigo struck and she nearly spilled her tea (of course, Snow had sent another box over). Though it might not have been that bad if she had, because she was also feeling awfully chilled, despite having two fleece blankets draped over her. (If she just gave it an hour, she’d be dealing with a manic hot flash instead.)

But this was better, she knew—Henry would be looked after and she’d be able to heal without anyone bothering her. And it was kind of nice having the apartment to herself for a couple days; that didn’t happen often.

It got dull fast, though. And quiet, oddly enough, even though she was able to watch whatever she wanted on Netflix (Henry hated Outlander; she didn’t).

It was...lonely. Again. Possibly more than ever in her life. It was one thing to not have anyone, like she had when she was a kid. But now that she had people—David, Snow, Henry...Killian, she had to admit—the solitude felt bigger without them there.

And, really, she had no one to blame but herself there. Old habits die hard and all that. As much as she tried to tell herself it was better if they weren’t around her germs, she could also really go for a hug right about now; wrapping her arms around herself didn’t quite cut it.

But this was her bed (well, nest of blankets on the couch) and she had to lay in it until this all passed. At least she had Jamie and Claire to distract her.

So she pulled the blankets a little tighter around her and settled in.

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The next few days passed in a haze of tea, takeout, and the Scottish highlands, though she had to rewatch multiple episodes due to her worsening state and the fact that she kept passing out in the middle (always right before the good stuff, annoyingly). She managed to reply to all of David’s messages fast enough to not cause worry on his end, but that was almost all she had energy for. Bless whoever came up with Door Dash.

And she wasn’t just tired in general—she was tired of being sick. How much longer could one body take to fight off...whatever this was? It had been nearly 6 weeks, all told. The antibiotic script ran out without taking the illness with it. The tea helped a bit, but getting as far as the kitchen to make it was a challenge with the nausea, vertigo, and tunnel vision she was fighting against.

Thank goodness she had an escape on the TV.

(There were a few strange instances, though, where her foggy mind twisted Jamie’s Scottish brogue into Killian’s accent; and damn did their blue eyes look similar, even if the rest of them didn’t. She may have had a couple of vivid dreams along that line, though.)

But then Jamie and Claire both got lovesickness in season 3. And art started imitating life a bit too much for her liking.

Annoyed, she turned off the TV and pulled herself up from couch so she could shuffle into the kitchen and get more tea.

Fucking Outlander. Fucking sassenach. Fucking soulmates. Fucking lovesickness. Fucking Killian.

Not that kind of fucking, though.

Wait, why did her train of thought go there?

Trains...soulmates...lovesick...Killian.

Dammit.

She shook her head as she plopped down on the floor of her kitchen, still wrapped in blankets while waiting on the tea kettle. That was probably a burned bridge, if she was being honest. She hadn’t heard from him in at least two days, so she had to assume he’d given up; it wouldn’t be the first time someone did that to her, but it was probably the most deserved. Try as she might, she still hadn’t forgotten what happened on the train, and she still had no logical explanation for it...save for one.

The kettle was starting to hiss but she ignored it. Had she overreacted? In an effort to avoid what she’d feared for so long, had her own stubbornness and walls just pushed her right into it? Was she really in the same position she’d just seen on her screen...was she lovesick?

A knock on the door jolted her from her thoughts, though; it was probably the pizza delivery. She wasn’t even really sure why she’d picked that to order, though it probably had something to do with Killian being on her mind. It took some struggle to pull herself up off the floor, her stiff muscles protesting each movement, but she managed to get upright with only a minor amount of vertigo; maybe she was getting better, after all?

There was another knock. “I’m coming,” she tried to shout, but her voice could only go so loud. As fast as she could manage—which wasn’t very—she limped to the door, brushed her hair behind her ears in a weak attempt at looking presentable, unlatched the lock, and opened it.

But she wasn’t greeted by the smell of dough and melted cheese, or by an annoying teenage delivery boy—no, that was taking its sweet time, as usual. Her heart actually stopped for a brief moment, because on the other side of the door was Killian.

And he looked as awful as she felt.

“Emma,” he breathed, a faint smile pulling at his weary features, but it faded fast as a cough took over and nearly rattled him off the door frame he was leaning on.

“Killian.” She nearly choked on his name. “How...how did you find my address?” They’d somehow never been to each other’s places.

“David,” he answered. Normally, he would have shrugged, but it probably hurt too much right now. Like her, he had dark circles under his eyes and sheen of sweat on his forehead that his hair was clinging to. He had on a pair of scrub pants and a black sweater under his usual leather jacket, under which his chest was heaving after no doubt climbing the three flights of stairs to her apartment. Oddly, he didn’t have his prosthesis on. “Can we please talk, finally?”

Even the blue of his eyes was faded, and that was probably what broke her the most. She nodded and stepped aside, leaving a wide path for him to come in.

He stumbled in and she pointed him towards the couch. “Tea?” she offered, trying to be a good hostess.

“Yeah,” he sighed as he fell against the cushions.

As she poured the tea, she didn’t let herself think of the implications of him being as sick as her. Her walls started to go up and she began to rationalize—he probably picked it up at work; god only knows what kind of stuff he was exposed to there. Maybe she’d gotten it from him when they had their collision?

Very carefully, she moved into the living room and set his mug down on the coffee table, before gently sitting down on the opposite end of the couch. “So, you pick up a nasty virus in the ER?” she started, then took a sip.

He cast her an almost annoyed look before reaching for his cup. “I think we both know that’s not the case, love.”

“You don’t know that,” she murmured. “It could be anything.”

He took a sip, then stared at the tea in disbelief as he swallowed. “Where did you get this?”

Now she was the one confused. “Snow; why?”

He snorted derisively. “And it makes you feel better, right?”

“A bit, I guess.”

“Emma, don’t you know what rose tea is for?”

What the heck—did he come over just to fight? She’d understand if he was angry about her ghosting him, but to be so combative? Her hackles were rising. “No, I don’t, Doctor Jones; enlighten me.”

He cautiously set down the mug and then scooted a bit closer to her; she reflexively tried to melt into the arm of the couch. “It’s an old wives’ tale, but said to ease lovesickness.”

She shut her eyes and turned her head. That couldn’t be it—it just couldn’t. Whatever personal revelation she’d been having before his arrival had ran away, buried under her blankets and armor where it belonged.

She didn’t do soulmates...right?

“You can deny the truth, love, but that won’t make it any less real. And like you just said, I’m a doctor—I know what’s going on. Has anything else helped?”

Not opening her eyes, she shook her head. She didn’t know if she could handle whatever emotion was likely simmering in Killian’s gaze.

“Just what do you think happened on the train that day?” he asked softly, though it didn’t sound like he had another volume.

“I don’t know—maybe we said it under our breath,” she tossed out half-heartedly.

“That’s not true and you know it.”

She opened her eyes to glare at him. “Well, what if I don’t want it? What if I don’t want the universe telling me who’s right for me—what if I want to be chosen instead?”

Despite their dulled color, a spark of fire ignited in Killian’s eyes. “What are you calling the past few months, then?” he spat. “I don’t know about you, but those were some of the happiest of my life, and it was all because of you and Henry. I want to be chosen, too—you know that. But you can’t tell me you’re so dense that you didn’t notice us doing exactly that. And you can’t deny you’ve been happy, too; you’re too much of an open book.”

He had her there—it was impossible for her to refute it. Even now, despite the distance she was trying to keep between them, she could feel the pull towards him—she’d missed him so much. But was it just because something was pulling strings somewhere out in the cosmos? Could she trust her own feelings?

“Tell me, love: were soulmates not even a thing, would you hesitate like this?”

That took her by surprise—but then again, everything about Killian had, since the day they met. She couldn’t deny the thoughts and fantasies she’d had about him; those were decidedly romantic in nature. But in her decision to rebel against the entire system, she’d never considered a scenario in which it didn’t exist. There were plenty of people out there who fell in love without it and were happy, but given what she thought she’d had with Neal, she figured it’d be all or nothing for her.

The longer she thought about it, though, her answer became clear: “No, I wouldn’t.”

Cautiously, he smiled, and it looked like he was blinking back tears—but that could have been due to her own fuzzy vision, and she wasn’t sure if it had to do with her emotions or current physical state. “Then why fight it?”

“Because,” she said in a small voice. “What if it’s wrong?”

“Darling, I think we’re well past that.”

She was scraping for excuses now, she knew, and could feel her walls crumbling under his sweet gaze. They weren’t gone yet, though. “What about Milah?”

His brow furrowed. “What about her?”

“I thought you didn’t want anyone else.”

He slumped a bit, but she couldn't tell if that was due to physical or emotional duress; probably both. “Aye, I had thought for a long time that I didn’t want anyone else, that I’d never be capable of letting go of my first love, of finding someone else.” He chewed on his bottom lip and then looked up at her. “That is, until I met you.”

Her breath hitched. There was no going back from a confession like that.

Silence settled over them for a long minute, during which the revelation washed over her. He wanted her—and had for a while, before they made skin contact and ended up here. And the more she reflected on it, she wanted him, too.

She wanted...all of it. Soulmates, happily ever after, the whole shebang.

Oh, who was she kidding? She fucking loved him.

But she was terrible with words—sincere ones, at least. How did she tell him that?

Gingerly, she shifted closer to him; he flinched a little, likely out of the same reflexes she’d honed over the years, but didn’t back away. His right arm was closest to her, and though he was still wearing his jacket, his hand was uncovered. It was a handsome hand, she had to admit—long, graceful fingers, with well-trimmed nails and fine dusting of dark hair on the back. She wondered if the rest of his was just as good-looking. And now, she was determined to find out.

She reached out and tentatively touched the back of his hand; there was an immediate spark at the contact, though, and she pulled back quickly in shock.

Killian’s eyes grew wide and he stared at his hand for what felt like forever; time seemed to freeze around them. But then, slowly, he turned up his palm and looked at her with an encouraging nod and a soft smile.

Emma sat up straighter, as if that would somehow firm her resolve, and took a deep breath. She could do this, totally. (She hoped.)

With a bit more confidence, she again reached for him, and this time, wrapped her delicate fingers around his broad hand. There was still a jolt, but she was ready for it and held tighter instead of retreating. It was immediately followed that same surge of emotion she’d felt on the train: concern, a bit of fear, but most of all—love.

Though she had no idea how this thing worked, she gave it a try. «I love you,» she thought, intensely holding Killian’s stare.

His eyes somehow got even bigger and his mouth parted in surprise, but it only lasted a moment before he was grinning. «I love you, too, Emma.»

Okay, now she really was crying. She never thought she was that kind of sappy girl and usually made sure her tears were reserved for moments that deserved them (Henry’s birth, Snow and Dave’s wedding, and maybe a handful of TV episodes since then). But now? When she was staring at her apparent true love, once she stopped fighting it? All the waterworks.

«Come here,» she heard over their connection, and he pulled her tight to him—though she may have also launched herself at him at the same time, resulting in an audible oof from both of them as they collided against the cushions.

She nestled her head into the crook of his neck and breathed him in. He smelled faintly of rose tea, a lot like sweat, and then, just...Killian. She couldn’t describe it—it was just...him. And it felt like home.

«You smell good, too.»

She winced. «Oh, shit. You weren’t supposed to hear that.»

«You were thinking it rather loudly, love.»

«This is definitely going to take some getting used to.»

«Aye, but I’m up for the challenge if you are.»

«Definitely.»

She sat up, breaking the connection—and found herself immediately missing it. She hadn’t expected that. As soon as skin contact had been broken, her aches and pains began to come back; she hadn’t even noticed they were gone. But that was how it worked, right? The more intense the lovesickness, the longer it took to go away, even when you reconnected.

She was probably going to have to get him naked, wasn’t she?

While the idea of that, and seeing what hid under all those form-fitting layers, was more than appealing, it also made her panic. It’d been so long since she did anything like this; god, did she even remember how to kiss?

Killian had been watching her intently and must have noticed the panic creeping across her face. Cautiously—as if he was approaching a wild animal—he reached up and caressed her cheek. «It’s okay, Emma. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want.»

She huffed. «I don’t even know what I want. It’s been so long; I’m rusty with this stuff.»

«Well, that’s convenient.» He gave her a gentle smile. «So am I.»

She took a deep breath and relaxed a bit, but there was still an urge to do—something. It itched under her skin, the desire to be close to him, especially after he let his hand fall away.

So, slowly, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.

There was no hesitation on his end; his lips were firm and insistent against hers, and warm—so warm. Any lingering chill from lovesickness melted away at the brush of his soft lips and the feel of his solid form next to her. Which, if she was being honest, was too far away. Using more energy than she had in weeks, she shirked her blankets and moved to straddle his lap. He groaned at the movement, but made no effort to pull away or stop what they were doing. And really, it gave her a bit of a self-satisfied thrill that she could draw that reaction from someone; guess she did still have a bit of game.

«You have plenty of “game,” love—I assure you,» he told her as his tongue flicked against their pressed-together lips.

«Okay, that was a little weird,» she thought; talking and kissing at the same time would definitely take some getting used to.

«Good weird, I hope.»

«Duh.»

They continued to snog like teenagers on the couch, just like she’d once imagined, until the pizza delivery actually did show up. She pulled away to catch her breath, but left her forehead connected to his. «Hope you feel like Pizzeria Regina.»

«With you, darling—anything. Actually, I’m famished.»

«Who knew making out worked up such an appetite?»

He chuckled out loud and it seemed to reverberate through her entire body; that was something that bore revisiting. But she was starving, too, so she hopped up to get the door before the kid inevitably left.

In the few minutes it took her to pay and get plates from the kitchen, she could feel the lovesickness settle back in at an almost alarming rate. She thought it was just the lingering fatigue, but she must have turned to fast after getting dishes from her cupboard because the next thing she knew, the world was spinning and she was on the floor. The nausea was back full-force and food was the last thing she wanted to think about; all she wanted was—“Killian,” she called out, but it was more of a weak moan than a yell.

From her prone position where the living room carpet met the kitchen tile, she could see him hop up from the couch, alarm tensing his entire body. “Emma!” he shouted, voice similarly weak, and took long strides to get to her—but she could see the moment it hit him, too, when he had to grab for the back of the couch to stay upright.

He took a deep breath but then fell to the floor, seemingly intentionally but she couldn’t quite tell—her vision was swimming again, and she closed her eyes against the blur. She could hear him, though, and a moment later felt his rough palm cupping her cheek.

He was speaking out loud, but she could feel his panic through their connection. “Emma, love, are you alright? What happened?”

She blinked a few times before staring up at him; he was hovering on all fours, his eyes darting as he looked her over for injury. The longer he touched her, the better she felt; she wasn’t surprised, but damn, they needed to kick this bullshit.

«Agreed,» came his the echo of his voice in her head, and he leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead. «Don’t scare me like that again.»

«I’ll try,» she said, «and I’m sorry.»

«You couldn’t help it, love; no need to apologize.»

«No, not just for that—for everything.» The truth of it was that it was that moment that sealed the deal for her. Other than her family, no one had ever worried about her like that, and the surge of love she felt—both from him and her own feelings—when he gave her that gentle kiss was greater than she’d ever felt. «For ignoring you, for fighting this, for letting us get like this. I’m sorry.» A tear started to fall down her cheek; god, she was officially a sap now.

«Oh, Swan—don’t.» He relaxed down to the floor to lay next to her. «I get it—I nearly did the same a few times, too.»

«You did?» She was surprised how much that shocked her; she was used to it from most people, but not him.

«You should have seen the tests I had my friends in the lab running. Everything from cancer to mono.»

«I nearly bought a pregnancy test at one point,» she giggled. «Don’t we make a pair?»

He smiled back. «We do, love,» came the soft voice, and he ran a hand through her hair. «We do.»

She couldn’t help it anymore: the combination of his emotions and thoughts were mixing with hers and threatening to drown her; she hadn’t felt anything this intense since...well, since Neal, but now she realized how wrong she’d been then. Killian was coming to a similar conclusion, she could tell, but she didn’t want to think about anyone else right now—just him.

So she hitched a leg over his hips, closed the space between them, and proceeded to kiss the living daylights out of him. And maybe grind up on him a bit. (Was that still a thing people did? God, she was so rusty.)

«I don’t know, and I don’t bloody care as long as it’s something we do.» Even his voice in her head was wrecked, to match the way he was panting. He tangled his legs with hers to bring himself closer, mirroring her gesture; she forgot how good dry humping felt.

Hell, all of this—it was like her body was coming back to life after a decade of disuse. Killian’s touch, minimal as it was through the layers of clothes they still had on, was sending those same sparks from earlier through her whole being, inside and out. She wanted to feel everything he could make her feel—she needed him, desperately. And if the growing bulge his scrubs failed to hide was anything, he did too.

«Only if you want to,» he assured her, taking a break from their game of tonsil hockey to catch their breaths, but he still pressed his forehead to hers. «I know you wanted your pizza,» he teased.

«To hell with the pizza.»

She held him tight with her leg one more time, feeling the press of his growing erection against her core—where a fair amount of those sparks had settled—before pecking his lips, sitting up, grabbing his hand and forearm, and somehow managing to untangle their legs without hitting any sensitive areas. He followed her to standing, and she quickly tugged him down the hallway to her bedroom; if she giggled a bit at the idea of having a boy in her room after so long, well, that would stay between them.

They’d no sooner crossed the threshold than she was back on him, pressing him against her dresser on the adjacent wall and probably knocking some books or something off, but that was the last thing on her mind; she was too caught up in finding the perfect way to grip his hips and the way his fingers were toying with the hem of her baggy T-shirt, grazing the skin underneath. She was starting to understand how a sparkler felt, with the way his every touch drew a spark.

As they continued to kiss, her hands began to wander, too, and found the edge of his sweater (she had no idea when he’d ditched the jacket, but that was also low on the list of concerns at the moment). His palm was resting warm and heavy on her waist, so she followed suit, letting her touch slip under fabric to his skin, and started to slide upwards.

To her shock, though, he flinched away, putting distance between them—though not enough that she couldn’t still see the way his chest was heaving under his (extremely well-fitting, she saw now) sweater. His eyes were cast on the floor and he was clenching his jaw nervously.

«Hey, what’s wrong?» she asked gently, but didn’t want to make a move if it might jar him more.

«It’s nothing; it’s just that...no one has seen me like this since...since the accident.»

Oh, god—she hadn’t even thought about that. Here she was worrying about her own skills when there were much bigger issues to be dealt with—on both ends, probably. «We don’t have to.»

«No, I want to,» he assured her, finally meeting her gaze again. «I just remembered all of a sudden, and...I’m afraid it’s not all that pretty.»

Well, she knew a thing or two about having scars. But she hadn’t given them much thought until now; they didn’t really bother her all that much. Which, she supposed, meant only one thing.

«Then let me go first.»

He tried to protest, but she ignored it as she guided his hand up her side, encouraging him to go higher. They both stilled when he reached her bare breast—she’d forgotten she hadn’t bothered with a bra in several days, and he wasn’t expecting the lack of obstruction when his thumb grazed her nipple. She sensed an odd combination of panic and thrill coming from him, and a polite apology started to form, which was when Emma found the lone downside to having an almost telepathic connection with her soulmate: she couldn’t shut him up with a kiss.

«But you can keep trying,» he suggested, winking terribly. His deep chuckle echoed in her mind and goosebumps rose on her skin.

He left his hand on her breast while she shimmied out of her top, moving only far enough away to slip it off and toss it aside. The cooler air plus her growing arousal were evidenced by her peaked nipples, and she didn’t miss the way his gaze drifted south.

And in one swift motion, she slid off her oversized pajama pants, letting them fall to the floor and leaving her completely naked.

His hungry gaze darted around, scanning her body, and for a moment, the same self-consciousness he was feeling slipped in—no one had seen her naked in ages, either, not since before Henry was born; she was by no means out of shape, but pregnancy had left its marks, in addition to all the other ones she’d acquired over the years. For the first time in a long time, she felt somewhat exposed—but the feeling evaporated under his reverent stare.

«You are bloody stunning, love; every part of you.» He pulled her closer and placed yet another soft kiss against her temple; she didn’t think she’d ever get tired of those, or the accompanying wave of love that threatened to drown her with each one. He took a deep breath, then, «I suppose it’s my turn, then?»

«Only if you want.»

He swallowed. «Lend me a hand?»

She giggled. «Of course, but you have to promise to never make a hand joke again.»

«We’ll see.»

She could kiss the smirk off his face, at least, and proceeded to do so as her hands made their way back to his waist and slipped beneath his sweater. Slowly, she dragged upwards, his sweater bunching at her wrists as she uncovered his stomach. She was curious to look, but didn’t want to pull away until she needed to.

Her fingers were the first to discover the hair on his chest as they slid through it; it was thick and soft to the touch—a contrast to the firm muscles beneath. Despite all her dreaming, that was a detail that never quite worked its way into her fantasies—she’d never much cared for it before—but now, it seemed to perfectly fit him. And she was anxious to see it.

She’d gone as far as she could on her own, her hands coming to rest on his collarbones, her thumbs settling into the dips there. Killian took over then, lifting his arms to tug off his left sleeve above her head and not breaking the kiss until he was pulling the shirt off altogether—and then her breath was nearly stolen.

Killian may have said she was stunning, but he was fucking gorgeous. He wasn’t one of those ripped gym rats, like she had once thought he’d be, but he was clearly strong—a solid core and lean muscles, with biceps that looked like they could both hold her hips tight in the throes of passion and then cuddle her close after. Dark hair perfectly covered his pecs and drew a trail down the center of his stomach, disappearing into the scrubs that he absolutely needed to take off. And there were scars, yes—scattered around his upper body, but most obviously at the end of his left arm—but if anything, they just made him more...real.

«Did you doubt I was?» he ribbed. (Which, speaking of ribs, she could just see the outline of his, and knew hers were on similar display—a reminder of how bad things had gotten for both of them; never again, though.)

«I dunno; this all kind of seems like a strange dream come to life.»

He stepped closer and placed his hand and wrist on her waist. «A good dream, I trust?»

«An incredible one, but one that I never really dared to hope for.»

He placed his forehead on hers—another gesture she was coming to adore. «I know the feeling.»

For a long moment, they just breathed each other in and floated in the swirl of their shared emotions going back and forth; she was starting to lose track if the love she felt cresting in her heart was her own for him or his for her. It seemed endless, though, so as long as it never ran out, it probably didn’t matter what belonged to who.

«I can assure you, it won’t run dry.»

«Good.»

She reached for his shoulders again and pressed against him, finding his lips for what felt like the hundredth time—and she hadn’t had enough, not at all, nor would she likely ever. But, as she arched her pelvis up against too many layers of cotton, she knew she’d had enough of these damn scrub pants.

His laughter rang in her head as she ignored any rules of propriety and ran her hands down his back until she hit the elastic band of his pants and dipped under them, right to his bare (well, slightly fuzzy) cheeks and gripped. That brought him even closer to her, his chest hair brushing against her nipples and his erection pressing into her core.

«These really need to come off.»

«There’s nothing stopping you.»

«Thank God.»

She wasted no time in slipping them off his narrow hips, barely waiting for them to hit the floor before she was changing their direction, only pausing long enough for him to step out of the legs lest he trip, before she was pushing him in the direction of her bed. The back of his legs hit the edge of the mattress and he tried to sit, but she stayed on top of him until he fell back against the bed with her straddled over his hips. She could feel his cock pressing against her waiting entrance, but not at all in the way she wanted—no, needed him.

«Can’t I properly lavish you, my love?» he enquired coquettishly as he massaged her breast with his hand and brought her closer to his level with the other arm. «I want to make you feel good.»

God, that sounded amazing, and she wanted to reciprocate. But him pulling her flat to his chest had just made it more painfully obvious that he wasn’t inside her, and that was all she wanted. She was more than ready—he had to be aware of that—and logically, she knew that was the fastest way to dispel whatever was left of their lovesickness. (That, and she’d gotten a good look at his shaft when she’d pulled his pants off and—damn.)

«Next time—I promise.» She was panting with want. «But right now, I need to feel you.»

He nodded; he was just as breathless. «Okay; where do you want me?»

«On top.»

«As you wish.»

Smoothly, he flipped them over so that she was flat on her back and he was hovering above her, propped on his left forearm. He placed one last, long kiss against her lips, then sat back on his haunches to ready himself.

A bit of nervousness snuck in here—she really hadn’t done this since...well, probably not since Henry was conceived. She knew she needed to lift her hips up a bit and would need to help him out, but did she remembered how to set the rhythm? How to meet him thrust for thrust?

«We’ll figure it out together, love,» he said with a soft smile and gentle caress of his blunted wrist on her thigh. He was a bit nervous, too, but knowing they were in the same boat made it all the easier.

And then she watched as he stroked himself and anything other than desire faded away. Her own fingers unconsciously drifted to her clit and began stroking, needing some sort of relief.

When he was ready, he shifted forward into the open embrace of her legs. «You ready?»

«So.»

«Can you…?»

“Yeah,” she breathed out loud; it still took some conscious effort to communicate nonverbally and her brain power was becoming increasingly limited. But she sat up enough to take her own hold of his velvety cock—one she could not wait to take in hand and mouth at a later date—and guided it to her entrance, circling it gently.

They were both a bit anxious about what came next—would it feel like the first time all over again?—but she nodded at Killian to go ahead, and he slid inside in one smooth motion.

Oh, God—she’d forgotten what this felt like. Yeah, she had her toys, but nothing could replicate the feel of the real thing: the heat, the smell, the emotion. This was exactly what she needed—exactly who she needed.

«You feel bloody amazing, darling.» They hadn’t even started moving and already, he sounded wrecked.

«So do you, oh my god.»

She pulled him down by the neck to kiss him again, taking a long moment to get used to the feel of him, even though in some ways, he felt familiar—like he was a perfect fit.

«I mean, we are soulmates,» he reminded her.

«Yeah, but I didn’t think that applied to body parts, too.»

«I fail to see any negatives here.»

«Oh, definitely not.»

He turned the attention of his lips to her neck, tickling her with his stubble, which made her squirm—and then gasp, because it drew just the slightest bit of friction where they were joined together. And it felt incredible.

«That good, eh? We barely did anything.»

She wrapped a leg around him and pressed her foot against his ass, moving him again. «No more teasing; just move.»

It took longer than she’d care to admit for them to figure out the right pace—being soulmates didn’t mean they were automatically in sync (which was probably descriptive of their entire relationship)—but they eventually got there, to a point where she could meet him at every push and he found the perfect angle to hit every sensitive point inside. He groaned when she clenched, and she moaned whenever he pressed hard enough to brush her clit. And in no time at all—but also possibly forever? Time was weird—she was near the edge of release, so close to falling off.

«Let go, Emma; I want to see you come.»

«I want you to go with me.»

He let out a deep exhale. «I’ll try.»

He picked up the pace and her already racing heart struggled to keep up with it, but in the end, she couldn’t; she reached her peak and crested it with a shout, fireworks going off behind her eyes as he continued to thrust into her.

It didn’t take much longer for him to follow her, though, and even though she was caught up in her own rapture, she could feel him stutter as he climaxed and spilled into her. (Good thing she still took the pill, if only for the cycle regularity.) He was dangerously close to collapsing on top of her but still, she held him tight with her legs, as if he might disappear if she didn’t.

But he was done depressingly soon, and her legs were no match for the dead weight that was leaning against them as he fell to her side on the mattress. Every part of her was tingling, as if each cell in her body was renewed after that. She cracked an eye open, and despite the dim light coming through her bedroom curtain, Killian was nearly effulgent as they lay there in the afterglow. She knew they needed to clean up, and probably text David so that he knew they weren’t dead, but that could be dealt with later; right now, she just wanted to soak this in.

Killian reached across the short distance between them and pulled her tight to his chest; she was right—those biceps were perfect for being held. «How was it?» he asked shyly.

«Only the greatest orgasm of my life; how about you?»

He smirked. «Roughly the same, I think.»

She placed a gentle peck on the scar on his cheek. «I love you.»

«I love you, too.» He sighed and snuggled into her neck. «Now what?»

«We’ll deal with that later,» she sighed. «Right now, this is perfect.»

*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*

«You were wearing this when we met,» he thought as he wrapped himself around her from behind, adorably resting his chin on her bare shoulder.

She was getting dressed—after round 2, where they did get to lavish each other, then round 3 in the shower—into a very familiar blouse and rather unseasonable pair of shorts; he’d only gotten as far as his pants.

«Mhmm. This is what I was going to wear, until I found out some random guy was gonna be there. Couldn’t run around exposing myself like that, now could I?»

«I don’t know; might have saved us a lot of time.»

She turned in his arms and hugged him tight, loving the feel of his warm skin under her palms. «No, probably not. I was nowhere near ready then.»

«And now?» he asked; even if they weren’t communicating verbally, his facial expressions—including the signature quirk of his eyebrow—remained the same.

«Ready for anything.» She emphasized it by rising on her toes to give him a quick kiss. «But if you don’t get a shirt on soon, David is gonna send a search party.»

«Let him,» Killian smirked, and made a move to plant a kiss on her neck that she narrowly dodged, only by jumping away; of course he’d noticed she was ticklish there.

“I’m serious, Killian!” Now that she was getting used to their telepathic connection, it felt like was the first time she’d used her voice in ages; at least she was laughing as she chastised him. “I walked in on him and Snow enough and as much as I might like the idea of revenge, I do NOT want to subject Henry to that.”

He brushed a tendril of hair off her shoulder, but left his hand there and gave her a beyond cheeky smirk. «It’s bound to happen at some point.»

She just rolled her eyes. «Put your damn shirt on.»

Somewhere in there, they had let David know they were alive and would be heading over shortly. They made no mention of the other, though; Killian would join them later, after he went home to change, and honestly—they just wanted to see the reaction, especially from Snow. She did worry a bit about Henry, but knowing how good they were together kept her concern to a minimum.

After Killian pouted some more but eventually complied with her request for clothing (one of the few times she’d ever have to ask, she hoped), she drove him over to his building—which really was close, but he’d taken a Swyft to her place. They shared a quick kiss goodbye and then she was alone.

It was surprising how quickly that empty feeling came over her again now that she was by herself—how quickly she’d gotten used to his presence, particularly over the last few life-changing hours, but the past months as well. Hopefully, the cops weren’t around, because she pressed the gas pedal a little bit harder—she couldn’t wait to see everyone again. Now that she knew for a fact there was someone else on her side—that she didn’t have to isolate herself anymore—she didn’t want to at all.

At least it was a short drive, and Henry was waiting for her on the front porch when she pulled up to the house. “Mom! I missed you!” he shouted as he ran for her, then grabbed her in a bruising hug. God, it seemed like he’d grown half a foot in the last few days.

“I missed you too, kid.” But it took the same amount of effort as usual to kiss the top of his head, so at least she hadn’t missed anything.

She did feel a bit guilty that she’d still managed to succumb to the one thing she’d worked so hard to avoid, but at least she knew it would never happen again.

“You’re all better now?” he asked in a hopeful voice.

“Yup; all better. And I promise to not let myself get that sick again.”

“Good. I was ready to sick Killian on you.”

She snorted; that was not something she was going to try to verify nor dispute. And he didn’t notice, thank God; it was bad enough he knew what cockblocking was. He just dragged her to the backyard, where Snow and Dave were waiting.

Their immediate grins turned over to a bit of shock, probably at her outfit; she was definitely dressed for summer, and while it was unusually warm for the last week of October, it was barely 70 degrees. But she hadn’t felt the breeze on her skin in so long, and hey—she had a point to make.

“Well, don’t you look...summery,” Snow assessed as she gave her a hug; David was, per usual, at the grill. “Oh, but I forgot to tell you: Killian’s coming too.”

Snow was a terrible liar: she hadn’t forgotten at all. If the not-so-hidden gleam in her eye was any hint, this was yet another matchmaking scheme. But Emma could play along this once.

“Oh, okay,” she shrugged, feigning disinterest. “I’ll keep my space.”

Henry was catching her up on what he’d learned at school that week and the latest drama with his friends when Killian arrived. She was trying her damnedest to keep up with what Henry was telling her about his science class, but Killian’s presence was exceedingly distracting—especially with the way he sauntered in wearing a form-fitting t-shirt that both hugged his biceps and revealed a peek at his chest hair, and khaki shorts that showed off his calves. Even though she knew what lay underneath all that, she could still feel the pull of arousal.

She turned her focus back to Henry as Killian greeted Dave and then Snow, trying her best to play it cool. If that was a thing she could still do (probably not). But it was like every part of her was in tune with him now, and couldn’t help but react when he made his way over to the table they were sitting at.

“Is this seat taken?” he enquired, nodding at the chair next to Emma.

“Go ahead,” she said, unable to keep a hint of a smile off her face.

But he didn’t get a chance to sit before Henry had hopped up and wrapped him in a hug, too. Any lingering worries about Henry’s potential reaction immediately disappeared as she watched the tender interaction between them, on both their ends—they’d both clearly felt the absence of the other, so now she was feeling a bit guilty instead.

Like she’d told herself earlier, though: it wouldn't happen again.

They took their seats on either side of her—Killian on her left, Henry on her right—and Henry relaunched his stories. Aside from some light footsie, they hadn’t made contact yet, though his arm resting on the surface of the table was only inches from hers. Eventually, Henry realized that all the parts of Killian’s prosthesis were exposed, so that gave her an opportunity to make a move, when Killian was leaning over the table to show it to Henry.

Surreptitiously, she let her forearm touch his, where he was bracing himself on the table with it. The only indication he gave that he noticed was the brief straightening of his spine, but she immediately sensed his emotions again—happiness, a bit of hunger, but mostly love.

«I missed you,» he told her while Henry was inspecting the mechanics of the prosthesis.

«It wasn’t even an hour,» she teased.

«Are you trying to tell me you don’t feel the same? Because I can tell that’s not true.»

«No, I definitely missed you, too.»

The connection was broken when he sat back down—when Snow brought the food over. She proceeded to mother hen them as she distributed the food, making sure they were both feeling better—and asking some pointed questions about the rose tea.

“Yeah, it did help a lot,” Emma gushed.

“Aye; thank you, milady,” Killian added, ever the gentleman.

Snow seemed pleased, but there was still a level of concern in her manner that anyone could see; she didn’t think her plan was working, to which Emma hid her smirk in a bite of hot dog. (She could see wheels turning in Henry’s head, though.)

She and Killian continued to act cool to each other through the meal, save the occasional brush of the leg under the table (which was mostly to laugh at Snow’s matchmaking attempt).

Finally, Snow left with Henry to take the dishes inside and David cleaned up the grill, leaving them alone. She put her shin against his leg again while pretending to look at her phone.

«Do it when she comes back?» she proposed.

«Yeah, but wait for her to set the pie down; I’d hate for her to drop it.»

«Good point.»

And so, casually, once Snow had brought the pie to the table and made the first cut, Emma wrapped her hand around Killian’s and waited for everyone to notice.

“Emma, do you want ice...OH MY GOD.”

There it was: the reaction they expected from Snow. She’d dropped the serving knife, which landed with a clatter on the table, and was staring at their joined hands with wide eyes and jaw hanging open. Eventually she blinked and slammed her mouth shut, but continued to stare at them.

“But—you were—” she stammered, a pointed finger drifting between the two of them. “I thought—I didn’t—”

Emma was trying really hard not to laugh and could feel how amused Killian was, too. David just looked confused, and Henry was a bit slack-jawed, though she could tell it was in a good way.

Then it was like a lightbulb went on in Snow’s head, and she turned to David. “I called it! I totally called it!”

She then fell into girlish squeals while David, instead, levied a wary eye on Killian. “Is this why you wanted their address?”

“Um, yeah.”

David squinted. “Do I want to know?”

“Probably not,” Killian answered.

Henry piped up. “Do I wanna know?”

“Absolutely not!” Emma cut in.

All eyes were on Henry, though, as he stood and walked around Emma’s chair to Killian.

“Do you love my mom?” he asked, with all the severity a 10-year-old boy could muster.

“I do,” Killian said, and it almost sounded like a vow.

“And you promise not to hurt her, or to run away on us?” She didn’t miss the way he said “us”; she was a little surprised they hadn’t discussed it, but Killian knew he was getting a package deal—he had from the beginning.

“I’d rather be sent to the depths of Hades.”

«Drama queen,» she told him, but Killian’s eyes only flickered over to hers for a moment as he continued to hold Henry’s stare.

“Okay then,” Henry nodded, then seemed to think for a moment before launching himself at Killian again. “Welcome to the family.”

She didn’t need their connection to know how that made Killian feel: his eyes grew wide for a moment, but then they closed and he returned the hug full-force. She’d had the same reaction when she was adopted all those years ago; and though this was a totally different situation, it was still the same emotion.

Snow wanted all the details, obviously, and David and Henry wanted none, so they complied until the sun set and it was time to go home, both of them feeling the chill in their weather-inappropriate wardrobes.

They stood by their cars, locked in an embrace—both because of a desire to stay close and desire to get warm.

«Well, that went reasonably well,» he decided.

«Yeah, pretty good. I expected a bit more screaming though.»

«Same,» he chuckled.

«When can I see you next?» This was the part she wasn’t looking forward to; they weren’t in any danger of lovesickness again—not if she had anything to say about it—but there was still the reality that they had different jobs and different homes. (For the time being, at least.)

He shrugged. «We never got to enjoy that pizza. Maybe we try again tomorrow night?»

«Sounds perfect.» She underlined it by rising to her toes to place a lingering kiss on him.

“Are you guys gonna be like this all the time now?” Henry called out from the other side of the Bug, eyeing the two of them suspiciously.

“Yup,” she yelled back. “Get used to it.”

“Ugh, fine,” he grumbled, but it was half-hearted; she could hear the happiness in his voice.

«Well, we shouldn’t try to scar him too much.»

«That’s a change in tone from earlier.»

«I didn’t have his approval yet. Didn’t you hear? I’m part of the family now.» She could really fell his joy at that now.

«You already were; you know that, right?»

«It’s nice to have confirmation.»

«Yeah, I know.» She kissed him again. «And I hope you never doubt it again.»

He was the one to pull her close this time, stealing her breath with a kiss that she hoped would get her through the next day. «Not as long as I have you. I love you.»

«I love you, too,» she sighed. «Onto the next adventure?»

«After you, love.»

*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*

It wasn’t like a switch was flipped and they were just happy-true love all the time. There were still bumps in the road, they had their share of fights, and their past fears and walls still haunted them on occasion.

Several months passed before they moved in together—months that didn’t look all that different from the previous ones, save for the regular sleepover. They couldn’t decide whose apartment to move to, but Henry was the one to quash that dispute when he found a house for sale a couple streets over from Snow and Dave.

They were almost always touching when they were together, and even more so once they lived together—and their connection only grew. She didn’t realize that it could, but the longer they were together, the more impossibly in tune they became.

And she finally got to experience shared dreams—for real this time. And it was mostly amazing, but people with baggage like theirs didn’t only have sweet dreams; they had nightmares, too. More than once, she saw the crash that took Milah, and Killian saw Neal’s death several times. The worst ones were when the two became melded together and they dreamed about losing each other; those were the nights they came together to make sure the dreams weren’t real—to feel the other there.

Granted, that wasn’t the only time they got it on—they did that fairly regularly and with vigor, which was probably why their daughter, Hope, came along sooner rather than later.

(But not before Snow got to plan their wedding, at least. They’d been right: she started the binder the day they met.)

All told, it was...perfect. It was both everything she expected and nothing like it, and she wouldn’t have it any other way, even if it had taken her so long to warm up to the idea.

«You just hadn’t met me yet,» Killian teased, standing behind her on their patio and looking out over their backyard. Snow and David were there, with their son Leo toddling after Hope and Henry chasing them both around. Maybe it was a cliche, but she was pretty sure this was what happily ever after looked like.

«Nope, I hadn’t,» she confirmed, and pulled his arms a bit tighter around her. «I love you.»

«I love you, too.»

*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*

thank you so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!

tagging some peeps: @kat2609 @thesschesthair @xpumpkindumplingx @shipsxahoy @amortentia-on-the-rocks@mryddinwilt@cocohook38 @annytecture @wingedlioness @word-bug @fergus80@pirateherokillian@bleebug @its-imperator-furiosa @killianmesmalls@effulgentcolors @laschatzi @ive-always-been-a-pirate @stubble-sandwich @killian-whump @lenfaz @phiralovesloki @distant-rose @athenascarlet @kmomof4@ilovemesomekillianjones @whimsicallyenchantedrose@snowbellewells@idristardis @scientificapricot @let-it-raines @shireness-says@courtorderedcake @its-okay-killian @captainsjedi @a-faekindagirl

#cs ff #cssns 2019 #cs soulmates au #sick of love #my ff

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anti-brxxdgee · 6 years ago

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Jacksepticeye Ego Lore

So surrounding the May Egopocalypse, Ive seen some people be confused and lost about whats going on! So I figured I’d try to put together a lil ego masterlist!

Im sorry if this isnt all correct or I forget some things, feel free to add on in the comments or reblogs :)

( the video links should explain lot by themselves but ive added in a “small” explanation as well )

Jack Himself

So the “main” ego I suppose is Jack. Since Sean puts on the name Jack for his videos, the character “Jack” has become its own ego. (( at least in my mind anyway ))

Antisepticeye “Anti”

The most popular alter-ego by far. He is community made. The community drew art and added him in stories. He is the evil version of Jack and feeds off of the attention we give. His main goal is to kill Jack. The first time we actually see him is October 2016 during the lead up to Say Goodbye. Next we see Anti in Jack’s Pax Intro, Always Watching. In July 2017, Darkiplier vs Antisepticeye comes out. Jack dropped hints leading up to that but continued even after the release. It quickly discovered that Anti didnt have his signature gauges and that it was Jack just pretending to him and “mocking” him. Mark later confirmed that the video wasnt canon. After dropping more hints through thumbnails, tags and social media we see Anti take over again in Kill Jacksepticeye. Jack doesnt upload a second video leaving the fandom in a firey mess. In the video Anti is considerably more angry, moving around more and threatening us after we turned him into a meme. The next time he appears is in Doki Doki Literature Club. There are hints in zalgo (his signature text) in the tags. Then Jack hits us with Overnight Watch. As a part of his December Charity live stream, Jack had the stream run over night and the community was tasked with keeping an eye on things. Anti made a few appearance throughout the night but all the footage was from older videos. As of recently (May 2018) we learned that Anti didnt kill Jack after Kill JSE, but rather put him in a coma, where its unsure if hes still in said coma. Its assumed that Anti is trying to torture Jack with his own fears in a neverending nightmare.We see Anti appear again in Dark Silence where we see him in full form minus the throat cut though which is suspicious

Chase Brody

A typical “bro” youtuber. Loves trickshots. First seen in A Jacksepticeye Power Hour- Chase Brody formerly titled “Bro Average” In the video we learn that his wife is divorcijng him and taking the kids. At the end he “kills himself” but the after outro clip shows him opening his eyes. In Kill JSE Dr. Schneep tells us that he saved “his good friend chase brody” and that he went back and saw his family again but its unknown if they took him back. Chase is seen again in TIE where we see that Chase has been taking over recording for Jack. Throughout the video we learn that Chase has two kids and sees them on the weekend. Its also learned that Chase is very depressed and possibly an alcoholic.

Doctor Schneeplestein (Schneep)

Ze good doctah. First seen in A Jacksepticeye Power Hour- Dr. Schneeplestein In time before Kill JSE, a photo of a corrupted Dr. Schneep is posted to Jack’s instagram. Another photo’s caption tells us that he stitched Anti back together after Say Goodbye. In Kill JSE, we learn that Schneep and Jack are good friends and he saved him after Say Goodbye.Dr Schneep fails to save Jack again and disappears for 9 months. We got a postcard of a german beach with the words “Wish you were here” with “Wis” glitched out. 3 versions are posted, each getting bloodier. Then its deleted. Schneep comes back after his vacation in The Doctor Is Back.

Jackieboy Man

Im gonna be honest i dont know all that much lore wise Jackieboy Man is the superhero character. His first video on Jack’s channel is Jackieboy Man Returns. He also returns for South Park Fractured But Whole. He’s been missing ever since.

Marvin the Magnificent

Marvin is a magician. His first and only video is A Jacksepticeye Power Hour - Marvin the Magnificent. Lately, flashes of him have appeared in Try To Fall Asleep as well as his mask appearing and disappearing in Winning as Thanos and Thanos Infinity Mode.

Jameson Jackson (JJ)

Jameson is a mute character who is thought to be a time traveler. His first and only video is A Jacksepticeye Power Hour - Jameson Jackson formerly titled “Silent Movie” During the video, Anti easily takes him over so its unknown what side he’s truly on. Flashes of him also appear in Try Not To Fall Asleep.

I think that just about does it. If I left anything out please let me know and I’ll add it in! If you made it this far, thank you lol, this took like two hours to write and link everything.

// @hufflepufftrax @lum1natrix @marielgum @no-strings-puppet @therealjacksepticeye @aceofspades-lena @katielovesyoutubers35 @fear-is-nameless //

#jacksepticeye #antisepticeye #chase brody #doctor schneeplestein #Dr Schneeplestein #marvin the magnificent #jackieboy man #jameson jackson #jj #jacksepticeye egos #abrtheory

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miss-musings · 7 years ago

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Some wild or not-so-wild predictions about Episode IX (with some TLJ meta/analysis)

So, for the record, these crazy-ass wild predictions (or maybe not so wild???) are based on: 1) evidence of themes, motifs, character development and story arcs from TFA and TLJ; 2) overall story arcs and whatnot from both the Prequel Trilogy and the OrigTrig; 3) other media (TV shows) within the Star Wars universe; 4) other media outside of Star Wars that I feel like share some thematic/character parallels and that I know are very popular among modern audiences; and 5) fan metas that tie into all of this.

So, in no particular order and with plenty of art to break up the text…

And in case this isn’t going to be obvious… SPOILERS FOR THE LAST JEDI!!!

PREDICTION ONE: The Title

Across the 8 Star Wars films we have three possibilities for the way titles are worded: A/The (Adjective) (Noun) ; (Noun) with a verb somewhere in the phrase; (Noun) of the (Noun). So far in this new trilogy, we’ve had the first two. But we haven’t had (Noun) of the (Noun) yet. This has been the case with the third installments of each trilogy: Revenge of the Sith (III) and Return of the Jedi (IV).

I imagine IX will fit this pattern; and, while I doubt it will have “Jedi” or “Sith” in it, I wouldn’t be surprised if it had the word “Balance” in it. Like “Balance of the Force” or something, except that I imagine they might be kind of nervous about using “Force” again in a title so soon, considering they have The Force Awakens and another property The Forces of Destiny.

But, I’d bet money “Balance” is in the title. Maybe not a lot of money. Like $5 or something, but still. I’ll bet money on it. Maybe… “Power of the Balance.” Because Balance has very much been a recurring theme/motif in this trilogy, and I’m 100% certain we’re going there (which we’ll get into more below).

PREDICTION TWO: Character Dynamics

Okay, so for a more general observation of the Core Three Characters of each of our trilogies – Anakin/Obi-Wan/Padme ; Luke/Han/Leia – we had a romantic pairing between two of the three characters (Anakin/Padme ; Han/Leia), and a sibling or pseudo-sibling bond two of three characters (Anakin/Obi-Wan ; Luke/Leia). And the remaining connection of the triangle (Padme/Obi-Wan ; Luke/Han) was more of a friendship than anything else.

Now, looking at our main three characters of this NEW trilogy, I’ve seen a lot of people arguing that it’s Rey/Finn/Poe. No, it’s really not. As much as I like Poe, he’s really more of the Lando or Yoda or Mace Windu of this series. He has an important role, but initially he’s more of a side character (especially considering that he doesn’t really get any character development until TLJ). This is evident in the marketing for TFA and the fact that Poe was supposed to die in the crash on Jakku.

No, Rey, Finn and Kylo are the main three of our story. With that, the bonds between them become more evident: Rey and Kylo are the romantic pairing as we clearly see in TLJ; and Rey and Finn are going to be more of the pseudo-sibling pairing (Sorry, FinnRey, shippers. I enjoy their dynamic but I see it being more platonic.) That will presumably leave Finn and Kylo to one day become friends, although it probably won’t happen in the events of Episode IX.

It’s evident that Rey and Finn deeply care about one another, and while there were hints to a possible romantic pairing between them – like the “cute boyfriend” comment and the “stop holding my hand,” awhich might’ve been done as either comic relief or shipping fodder – I don’t see them getting together unless Kylo dies (which I HIGHLY doubt, and we’ll get into more below).

Finn is the first person who ever cared about Rey and treated her like a real person, like family. That’s partly why she’s so attached to him; that and he’s just generally a good guy. Likewise, Rey was the first person to believe in Finn, and it’s obvious that she means a lot to him. They’re the first real connection they made after they escaped their respective shitty lives (scavenging on Jakku and working for the FO). But Finn only ever calls her his friend, and he and Rey never exchange any dialogue in TLJ. He hasn’t really talked to her since Starkiller Base, before he fell into his coma; they’ve both seen and done a lot since then. They’re really not the same people that they were on Jakku, and while they will always care about each other, their lives are moving in different directions to a certain degree.

Anyway, sorry that was long way of saying: Rey and Finn aren’t getting together; Rey and Kylo are getting together. At least romantically. I imagine Rey and Finn will still be a big part of each other’s lives at the trilogy’s end.

PREDICTION THREE: Length of the Time Skip

I doubt it will be shorter than six months, but I don’t think it’ll be more than three years. We need enough time for the Resistance to have built up their forces again, but not so long that I think Hux will have overthrown Kylo Ren (because it was very obvious that he’s not at ALL pleased with Kylo as Supreme Leader).

A year or a year-and-a-half seems pretty reasonable. Any more than that, and I think you’re going to have to explain why the hell Hux hasn’t killed Kylo Ren or why either the Resistance or FO hasn’t found out about the Force Bond (because I definitely think that’ll be making an appearance).

PREDICTION FOUR: Basic Plot Outline

On that note, here’s how I think the movie might go. We’ll get into the specifics of some of these later.

Since taking over as Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren has been mostly brooding. He doesn’t give a lot of orders, but mostly kind of lets Hux run things. He’s so incredibly conflicted, given everything that happened in TLJ. He is not at all stable emotionally or spiritually. He shuts himself in his chambers and doesn’t do much but wait for the Force Bond to connect him with Rey. They don’t really say anything to each other, even though both of them want to but can never find the words. Or something like that.

(EDIT: I could’ve sworn I put this next prediction in my original draft, but I guess not. Oh, well. Adding it back in now.) Leia’s death will be shortly before the events of this movie. In fact, it’ll probably be mentioned in the opening Title Crawl. News of her death or the feeling of his mother being gone (as he might sense it through the Force) will cause Kylo to break routine and leave his quarters to go on a solo trip to some location that reminds him of his mom. Alderaan is gone, so maybe wherever Leia and Han raised him?? As long as it wasn’t one of those planets that Starkiller blew up. Wherever. It’ll be somewhere that reminds him of his mom.

(EDIT:) Side note: I’m not sure what will cause Leia’s death. She might’ve died in battle. That’d at least be badass. But losing her husband and twin brother within a week of each other might’ve taken a strain on her physically and emotionally, much like what happened to Carrie Fisher’s mom, Debbie Reynolds, IRL. But, I think death in battle would be more fitting. Although, if that’s the case, Kylo won’t have ordered it.

As Kylo is visiting this site connected to his mom, Rey will either be on Jakku or Tattooine – delving into her own origins (visiting her parents’ graves in the junker desert) or into Luke’s/Anakin’s and trying to learn more about the Force. She will have constructed a new lightsaber: either one that’s totally unique to her (maybe like a staff size?), or one that uses half of the kyber crystal from the Skywalker Lightsaber (and Ben will use the other half for his saber at the very end, after he’s redeemed).

While they are both alone and on their personal journeys, the Bond will activate and they will finally say something to each other for the first time since TLJ. It won’t be much, and there will still be some anger/resentment/hostility between them, but it will be poignant and emotional. Rey will probably say something about how his mom never gave up on him, etc.

At some point while Kylo/Ben is visiting this location that reminds him of his mom, he will probably hear some audio of his mother speaking to him through the Force (they might use an earlier clip of Carrie/Leia saying “Ben” or something, they way they used the Alec Guiness/Old Ben dialogue in Rey’s Forceback).

Luke will appear as a Force-ghost to either Kylo or Rey or both at some point during the film, but this point (when they’re both on their respective journeys of nostalgia) seems the most likely. He’ll probably spout off some exposition-heavy dialogue (possibly giving Rey her third official lesson, if they decide the TLJ deleted scenes aren’t canon), and then tell Rey she’ll have to face Kylo again.

In the meantime, the Resistance has been cooking up some big plan to take down the FO’s most recent base/big gun/whatever. Poe is now in charge of the Resistance since Leia’s death. Finn and Rose are potentially a couple now, and they’re also major Resistance leaders.

Either the Resistance will win some major victory or the FO will start to fracture as Hux takes more power from Kylo. Something will have to kick Kylo back into full Renperor mode. Something will threaten his position of power and he will feel as though he has to retaliate. But, Hux won’t be killed off, either in battle or by Kylo, until the third act of the movie.

There will be a gigantic space battle in either the second or third act. Poe will probably be the one to kill Hux, if Kylo doesn’t.

Finn will likely find out about the Force Bond, if Rey hasn’t told him during the Time Skip.

If there’s an element where the Resistance has to send one of their own to infiltrate the FO base, Rey will do it. Finn will initially volunteer at first, but Rey says she has to face Kylo and give the Resistance its best chance to win.

Somehow Rey and Kylo will face each other in the final act of the film, likely after she’s sought him out on a FO base. Or they find each other on the battlefield.

Since the end of TLJ, Rey has gotten considerably stronger in the Force, especially her combat abilities. She and Kylo will be a literal even match. They know each other so well and are both so strong that almost every attack is ineffective. I really HOPE (not predict, but hope) that this fight will either have some kind of a dance feel to it or go back to Episode IV, when it was an homage to old samurai films. Like when they’re both trying to do one-shot kill moves on each other, but keep blocking it.

Okay… now as to how the fight will end… I truly believe that it will end in a draw with both of them being hurt to the point where they can’t fight any more, probably with inverse/opposite/complementary/mirroring injuries. The injuries will be major, but not life-threatening.

While they’re laying there, not fighting any more and experiencing a shared/parallel pain, they’ll both vocalize their feelings for one another. And probably kiss. And while they kiss, they have Force visions on how to resolve this conflict: to balance the Force by becoming Gray Jedi (Force-wielders who use both the light and the dark sides, in balance) TOGETHER.

Kylo will proposition to Rey to join him as a Gray Jedi, which she will accept.

Once they realize this, the two will go back to their respective sides, and figure out some kind of compromise/system where neither the Resistance nor the FO exists, but some kind of balanced government system where everyone feels represented and no one is oppressed.

Everyone celebrates the creation of this new system, the destruction of the old system(s), and Rey and Kylo leave their friends to become tandem Gray Jedi Masters who will teach the next generation of Force users all about the full scope of the Force. They’ll also totally become a couple and maybe we’ll see a Force-vision of the future, where they have kids or something.

Together, Ben and Rey will have brought balance to the Force and the galaxy at large!

EXPLANATION TIME!!!

Kylo letting Hux run most things would be a good reason for Hux not having killed him yet. And Kylo brooding rather than being a bad dude makes a lot of sense if he’s going to be redeemed and live. And it’s clear from the effort that’s gone into Kylo Ren’s character that he WILL be redeemed, and because we’ve already done the Redeemed Hero Dies route (Vader), Kylo will get to live, albeit probably scarred/injured/handicapped or something. He can’t do TOO much more evil stuff or otherwise he’ll be considered TOO unredeemable for average audiences. Killing Han, killing a bunch of innocent people and Resistance combatants, and trying to kill Luke are all pretty unredeemable, but eh. He killed Snoke, and Rey, Luke and Leia all believe in his goodness. Seeing his conflict early on in Episode IX will clue the audience in on his being redeemed by the end of the movie.

I’m basing a lot of this on Zuko’s character arc from the Avatar: The Last Airbender series and Sasuke from the Naruto universe (which we’ll talk about more in a second).

Rey’s arc, much like Luke’s in Episode VI, will be somewhat overlapping with the main War plot, but will ultimately take place parallel to it. Luke was on a journey of discovering himself, the Force and helping Anakin Skywalker to redeem himself. Rey, likewise, is on a journey of discovering herself, the Force and helping Ben Solo to redeem himself. Her main story will intersect with Finn/Poe/Rose/the Resistance’s, as Luke’s did with Han/Leia/Chewie/the Rebellion’s, but it will ultimately take place mostly separated from them.

With Carrie gone, they are going to have to have some kind of carry-over from the OrigTrig, and Luke as a Force-Ghost makes the most sense. He’ll do the Ben Kenobi role of getting the main characters to fight each other and figure out whatever the Force is trying to tell them. Because, as a Force-Ghost, Luke’s consciousness is one with the Force, or whatever; so he knows exactly what needs to happen for Balance to be achieved.

There will have to be something plot-wise to make Kylo snap out of his vulnerable state and back into his Renperor self because we’re going to need tension that he might kill Rey in their final duel, or at least destroy the Resistance. That way their final battle will have higher stakes.

Rey’s Force powers have leaned more toward the Sensing/Emotive side. Her first “awakening” is the Force-back, but even before that, she’s first aware of being called by the Force (the Lightsaber). She then figures out how to turn Kylo’s Force-sensing interrogation technique back on him, and senses his greatest fear. She also figures out how to use the Jedi Mind Trick, which she will ABSOLUTELY use again in Episode IX, and it’s only later that we see her using more of the physical attributes of the Force (pulling stuff toward you, combat enhancement, etc.). Rey is more naturally drawn toward sensing things via the Force, like the Tree, the Island (in her dreams) and the Lightsaber, and when she senses the Force as whole and then the Dark Side (the cave) in TLJ. So, during the Time Skip, she will have trained in learning how to use the Force to enhance her combat abilities, because it always felt to me like those were earned from her harsh life on Jakku rather than something inherent she had because she was Force-sensitive. (I mean, she didn’t even realize she was Force-sensitive until the Lightsaber scene on Takodana; but she’d been fighting off assholes all her life.)

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Force Bond is exposed to either the FO, the Resistance or both. This might be why Hux tries to usurp Kylo; and I doubt the Resistance will take Rey’s connection to Kylo all too well, considering that he tortured Poe and almost killed Finn (EDIT: and they might blame him for Leia’s death). Rey might make up for this by excusing herself from the main action of the War and offering to take down Kylo alone.

Now, what’s all this about the Gray Jedi and bringing “balance to the Force”?

(EDIT: Linking to the Wookieepedia article on “Gray Jedi” here.)

So, this is what all the eight movies have been leading up to – the prophecy that Anakin was supposed to fulfill. At the end of VI, the Sith (Vader and Palpitine) die and only one Jedi (Luke) survives to pass on what he has learned. This is not balance. At the time, we didn’t know about the whole prophecy thing and the OrigTrig was just about the good guys winning and the bad guys losing. But, over time, Star Wars has evolved to show us that this world – like ours – is a lot more GRAY. That’s what the Clone Wars series was about; that’s what Rebels (as far as I know) has been about; and that’s what the PT was sort of hinting at. That’s what THIS new trilogy has been hinting at, especially with the Finn/Rose subplot in TLJ. (EDIT: Which I wrote a whole meta analyzing and defending the importance of that subplot. Read it here.)

That’s not to say the FO hasn’t committed atrocities and the Resistance isn’t made up of people who have suffered and want better lives. But, as we saw with Finn, there’s a possibility that Stormtroopers are good people who don’t like what they’re being told to do. And, as was hinted at in TLJ, there are plenty of people who don’t like the Resistance. Because, in a war, no side is all good or all bad.

The whole Star Wars franchise kicked off as WWII In Space! But, since WWII, we’ve entered several conflicts where we (the U.S.) weren’t always in the right and the enemy wasn’t always in the wrong. There’s a TON of gray area in our conflicts now.

Anyway, this is all a very long way of saying that the OT’s understanding of the Light Side and the Dark Side isn’t well managed. As we saw with Luke at the end of VI, he let his anger, hatred and rage against Vader flow, but he didn’t become evil. He stopped himself, and realized that Vader was much more like him than he previously wanted to admit.

But, then in the PT, we see that the Jedi’s belief system is very lop-sided. They can NEVER let their emotions get the better of them. They have to be stoic, mindful, “celibate” (more or less), and detached from the world around them. They are encouraged to be compassionate, but not to love or become attached to people. This is a philosophy that isn’t going to fly well among modern audiences.

(EDIT: There’s a really great video Pop Culture Detective did on this very topic today. Linking to it here.)

Like with the War side, the answer is that we (the audience) are something in between. We do sometimes let our emotions get the better of us, which CAN be a bad thing sometimes, but not always (as “Inside Out” taught us, it’s unhealthy to lock certain feelings away). But, at the same time, most people aren’t evil and hate people so much that they want to destroy them.

So, the answer for The Force side of Star Wars is a balance: a coexisting of the extremes and the meeting of the two halves (Kylo and Rey). In TLJ, Luke’s big thing is that the Light Side WILL exist without the Jedi; and that the Force is ALL ABOUT A BALANCE: life/death, light/dark, heat/cold, peace/violence, etc. The Jedi is a RELIGION that used the Force, but there are plenty of other Force-users in this universe who aren’t Jedi or Sith (like Ahsoka Tano or Chirrut from Rogue One). The Gray Jedi can be the religious practice (the way of life) of Kylo and Rey. They can use both sides of the Force without being overcome by one or the other, by keeping them in a balance. I don’t know exactly how this would work, as I haven’t read TOO extensively into this topic, but I know it’s possible as I believe there were some Gray Jedi in the Legends Universe. I suppose it might be a bit like the Guardians of the Galaxy (another popular Disney property) – Kylo and Rey wouldn’t be all bad (because then they’d be evil) or all good (because then they’d be boring), but a little bit of both or something in between.

The happy ending to this entire saga isn’t about the Light snuffing out the Dark, the good guys killing all the bad guys, because the whole idea is that the Force and the world needs to be brought into balance. As much as we want the heroes to win, we also want the ending to be reflective of our human nature – both how we succeed and how we fail. This Gray Jedi ending would be reflective of that and bring the whole saga to a nice end.

I mean they wouldn’t have put a fucking YIN-YANG SYMBOL in the Meditation Pool on Ach-To if the idea behind the trilogy wasn’t about bringing the Force into balance. I wonder if it’s a good thing Rey took those ancient Jedi texts, because maybe they hint at if/how the Ancient Jedi (not the ones in the PT) were more in balance in the Force than our PT Jedi were.

We see this nicely encapsulated into Rey and Kylo as characters. Rey who embodies the Light, but has plenty of darker tendencies (like getting mad, charging at Snoke in a fit of rage and aggression); and Kylo who embodies the Dark, but has plenty of lighter tendencies (like telling Rey to detach herself from her past and let it go). They are a literal fucking YIN-YANG SYMBOL as people, side by side. But combined and intertwined… if you put a Yin-Yang symbol in wet paint on paper, and then mixed it together, what would you get?

A gray circle.

Gray Jedi is the answer, people. No question about it. At least in my mind.

Now, about the fight. Why do I think Rey and Kylo will have to wound one another and kiss?

Well, the draw/wound thing is something I stole from the Naruto universe.

For those of you who are unfamiliar… the main character Naruto (on the left) is very much the “light side” of his universe. His rival Sasuke (on the right, and who has a redemption arc similar to what we’ve seen of Kylo’s so far) is very much the “dark side.” There’s a point where they get sun and moon symbols on their respective hands, and each holds half of the same power source, although they manifest it differently based on their respective abilities/personalities.

Now, the entire series is built-up to this final showdown between the two. Naruto is not trying to kill Sasuke, but needs to stop him, because Sasuke IS trying to kill Naruto and bring an end to things/people Naruto loves. And, it physically ends in a draw. The two lose their dominant arms: Naruto loses his right; Sasuke, his left. Their wounds are a literal mirror of each other (see below). And in that shared pain, they find an understanding, and Sasuke decides not to kill Naruto but to come back over to the “good” side (more or less), to stop being a murderous asshole, and to start atoning for his crimes. (So, in a way, Naruto wins the fight on an emotional level, as he brings Sasuke over to his side.)

That’s very much where I see this Rey/Kylo thing going. There are so many parallels between these four characters and their respective arcs, it’s ridiculous.

With Kylo and Rey, each of them will be trying to kill the other so their respective side will win the War. A draw (with a major non-fatal injury) is the only way I see this fight ending in a way that will bring them into balance with each other and the Force at large.

Also, we’ve never had a movie lightsaber fight end in a draw before, to my recollection: Darth Maul killed Qui-Gon; Obi-Wan killed Darth Maul; Count Dooku injured/beat Obi-Wan and Anakin (I guess he ran away from Yoda, so you might count that); Count Dooku injured/beat Obi-Wan in the rematch and then Anakin killed Count Dooku; Obi-Wan injured/beat Anakin; the Emperor forced Yoda to run away; Obi-Wan allowed Vader to kill him; Vader beat/injured Luke; Luke beat/injured Vader in their rematch; Rey injured/beat Kylo; and there wasn’t really an actual lightsaber fight in TLJ.

It would fit the whole “balance” motif for neither to win or lose the fight, but instead the two come to an understanding and compromise.

Now. The Kiss.

Why do these two little fuckers have to kiss, IMO?

Well, do you all remember the Disney Channel TV Show “That’s So Raven”? The main character (Raven) is a psychic; and there’s an episode where she meets a male psychic. And, while they have 0 romantic interest in each other, there’s a point where they continue escalating their physical proximity/touching, because it allows them to better use their powers. There’s a point where they have to kiss in order to find Raven’s BFF and some other people.

And, as we saw with Rey and Kylo in TLJ, these two are oozing with sexual chemistry and Force power. I mean if they see each other’s futures whenever they touch hands, what the hell are they going to see when they kiss? (Or if they ever had sexy times… but this is a family-friendly movie, so that’s not going to happen on screen; the kiss is the closest we’re going to get).

I mean, c’mon you guys… everything we saw in TLJ is building up to them kissing and the Force coming into balance as a result of their combined lives/knowledge/destinies or whatever.

Also, as others have pointed out, they’re not going to kill off Ben Solo. The Skywalker family is too much of a commodity, and there’s so much possibility in leaving him alive and with Rey. I mean think of all the spinoff movies and TV shows we could have of them and their kids??? (EDIT: Just like how the Legends Universe focused in part on the kids of Luke, Han and Leia.) Rey is too well-loved by the fans to kill her off, and Ben/Kylo has gotten too much character development to not get redeemed. His kids with Rey would sell toys and tickets and subscriptions like crazy.

So, why do I think Ben/Kylo will proposition Rey, instead of the other way around (which would seem more natural)?

Well, in TLJ, each saw the other turning over to their side in a vision of the future. Rey says that Kylo won’t bow before Snoke and will turn, and she’ll help him. Kylo says that when the time comes Rey will turn and join him.

Now, from a physical standpoint, these visions were true after the Praetorian Guard fight. Kylo physically turned against Snoke and killed him, but emotionally was still attached to the Dark Side. Rey did physically join Kylo by his side in fighting the Guards but was still emotionally attached to the Light Side, or really, the Resistance. Neither ACTUALLY came over to the other’s side. Kylo didn’t want to join Rey politically, and she didn’t want to join him spiritually.

But now, they’re going to find that compromise where they meet in the middle both politically and spiritually. Kylo was right in TLJ: the old THINGS (political organizations, religious ways) should die, but Rey was right in that the PEOPLE should be saved. The only way to achieve both goals is to end the War, the FO, the Resistance, the Sith and the Jedi… and create something new. A compromise that works for everyone and brings the much-needed balance to the Force and the galaxy.

Each of them WILL join the other. Rey’s vision will have to be right that Kylo will turn from the Dark Side, and Kylo’s vision of her turning from the Light and joining him will have to be true as well.

So, like any proper proposal of marriage/political alliance/spiritual alignment, I think Ben should be the one to suggest it. That way, we the audience can see the fruition of his redemption arc, etc. (Also, we have to come full-circle on the Space!Mr.Darcy thing.)

Anyway, I’ve now rambled on about this for QUITE long enough. Just wanted to throw out some ideas and see what you guys think and if you have predictions of your own. (EDIT:) And, to quote Preston Jacobs, “I’m probably wrong about half of this.” There’s plenty of hints of where the franchise is going, but I’m sure there are some details I will have gotten wrong. Which is fine. This can be my headcanon for the next two years.

I guess there’s nothing else to say other than, “May the Force be with you, always.” Cheers, guys! And thanks for reading!

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fromthedeskofelizabeththird · 7 years ago

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So this is the Bullshit

I don’t believe in call out posts. I think they’re unnecessary and usually create a tidal wave of drama over a misunderstanding or an issue that might have been resolved with a simple click of ‘unfollow’ or block’.

This is one of those instances where it is necessary. Where the actions of one person are genuinely harmful and quite likely malicious and it’s actually impossible to know the extent of everything they have done.

Before I proceed, I want to make it clear that I do not condone sending this person hateful asks-or, indeed, any- asks about their behaviour. If you wish to unfollow or block them-or not- then that is your business. But I did not make this post to encourage spiteful behaviour.

I want to thank everyone who contributed to this post, whether it was sending me data, good vibes, proofing or just cheering up my cranky butt at varying points between now and April. Without further ado:-

This is a callout post for user Vallanoble, for actions spanning back to February of this year.

Before I start, I need to point out a couple of things, this is a long ass story. It might take at least one session to get through all of the receipts, of which there are many.

Also: tumblr took a shit on the formatting and none of the links work now. Everything is ugly but I have a back up I’ll post when whatever weird glitch this is fixes itself.

SEVERE TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS POST

Secondly, for much of April, before this story crossed over to tumblr, Vallan went by a nickname that was an amalgamation their general location on my statcounter and the fact they had sent weird anons as opposed to their actual name. Now that the story is being publicly connected to a singular individual, I’ve edited out all references to physical locations from my data and switched out the actual place in the document with the word ‘dipshit’. Yes, this took hours. Yes. I had a LOT of help. This is in the interest of protecting user privacy, however and not dishonesty.

First things first, Dipshit anon is an overly passionate Zen fan. They don’t interact much, so tbh I never really noticed them ?? But for sure they were following me around the time of this post

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/155205738770/1-am-i-the-only-person-who-feels-like-zen-is

(which seems to be the first they reblogged from me) and I recall they had been for quite some time at the time of this one

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/156327734615/i-love-how-you-always-take-survivors-opinions-into

which they later alluded to in a post of their own.

It’s important to actually note several things happening at this point:-

Random overly enthusiastic Zen anon exhibit A // http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/156228295970/you-know-theres-something-that-annoys-me-like

Not so rando enthusiastic Zen anon // http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/156308585305/i-have-a-question-how-did-you-interpret-zens-bad

Zen anon the third //��http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/156206700610/what-are-your-thoughts-on-the-conflict-between-zen

Zen’s creepy childhood brought up with the beginnings of resentment towards a Jumin post made only shortly before

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/156210280495/honestly-im-so-glad-youre-talking-about-how

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/155500851985/what-do-you-think-to-the-thoery-that-jumin-is-a

Tbh I’m a bit annoyed that tumblr removed their historical notes from posts so I can’t actually reference stuff properly >:[, but January was a very busy month in terms of Zen anons (a pretty recent thing, so I don’t think Dipshit had been following me for THAT long??) asking me about stuff while I posted Jumin fics and other Jumin meta, all while Dipshit anon liked the posts all of thirty seconds after I answered them, which basically led me to the conclusion they’d probably been the one asking in the first place.

In January, they talked to me about fanfiction

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/156305150630/vallanoble-replied-to-your-post-wait-why-dont

This is important. At the very least please take note of the tone

In January, they were also posting this, complaining about Jumin blogs shitting on their favourite character.

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/156356257463/something-ive-noticed-is-that-almost-all-the

(I took screens in case of deletion)

This post is fine on its own, but crucial context for what came later.

By this point, I had them tagged on Statcounter, though I didn’t know about these posts until February, when this debacle happened

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/157102446080/i-looked-everywhere-my-desk-my-files-the

Tl;dr, in a conversation about how Jumin fans felt uncomfortable about a particular phone call, an anon came out of the blue to change the thread of conversation to Zen. Why is that familiar?!?

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/157093746030/just-read-through-all-the-debating-about-jumin-and

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/157097601850/the-breadcrumbs-call-is-outgoing-not-incoming

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/157098711835/im-honestly-not-trying-to-be-so-salty-but-im

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/157097035190/seven-does-make-passing-guilt-trippy-comments-in

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/157112807900/to-clarify-it-was-annoying-that-the-discussion

Take note of this post and this one

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/157112807900/to-clarify-it-was-annoying-that-the-discussion

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/157097417010/i-just-meant-during-the-conversation-about-sevens

Same day, take note of this

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/157117392193/lj-writes-shippers-my-ship-is-totally-not

(screenshot),

plus this post from a short while earlier

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/155827891443/what-really-irked-me-more-so-than-just-the-fact

(screenshot 1)

(screenshot 2)

Same behaviours as before. Both resenting discussion of Jumin where relevant and blaming me personally for gross fandom behaviours I was not guilty of. I had statcounter data too (no longer unfortunately, as I have the free version), but anyway, I blocked the user and went on my merry way.

Note:- In case it is not clear, I was able to work out the identity of Dipshit and block them based on their historical activity, previous asks they had passed onto me (which in turn led to their tag on stats), stat counter data at the time of the debacle (data I don’t have anymore, but they remained tagged in April) and a cross reference of posts on their own blog.

Side note:- Here is Dipshit admitting to sending the anons (paragraph 4)

And again, (paragraph 2)

And again (paragraph 2)

And again

A n d a g a i n

In any case. Check out these posts from March

http://themystic-messenger.tumblr.com/post/158096675544/vallanoble-replied-to-your-post-me-i-dont

(screenshot)

, [x]

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/158933352583/the-amount-of-hate-and-aggression-towards-people

(screenshot)

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/158973582463/yall-rant-and-rave-about-how-rika-abused-v-and

[x]

(screenshot)

and this one from April

http://themystic-messenger.tumblr.com/post/159234167469/i-rly-love-all-ur-posts-bc-i-agree-with-your

(screenshot here)

Once again, crucial context for what comes later.

Prior to JuminV week, I received this ask

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/159180924940/zenxv-and-zenxjumin

This question came off the back of this ask to Jun, which was liked by Dipshit anon.

https://xeraeus.tumblr.com/post/159177453126/what-i-was-asking-a-question

There is currently no evidence to tie the ask itself to Dipshit however, in light of what happened later, I am including that detail nonetheless.

On the first day of JuminV, this was posted

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159427686298/sees-zen-x-jumin-content-stop-that

(screenshot here)

followed succinctly by this ask

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/159426686395/am-i-the-only-one-annoyed-about-the-popularity-of

I made the connection to Dipshit Anon after replying. Juminzen week, as far as we know, was not in the works until after JuminV week had already started. Therefore, it’s unlikely that first message is connected to it and it was sent for a different reason.

Note:- Here is Dipshit directly admitting to sending the JuminV ask Part one, part two

In any case, since I didn’t want to start ship drama, I dismissed them?? I blocked them by IP around this point.

After I responded two more responses came, citing a disability when reading and claiming to ship JuminV over Juminzen tl;dr because it was not fetishisation. I deleted both of these messages and blocked by ip. I would not have deleted them if I had already made the later connection.

I posted to twitter at this point, joking that it was the first day of JuminV and already I’d blocked the entirety of the University of Dipshit by IP.

I posted again a short while later after checking statcounter and making the connection.

Dipshit anon’s name or URL was not mentioned. The fact that they actually studied at the university was assumed, though not confirmed nor referenced by myself the tweets were later deleted and this is to the best of my recollection

Things went quiet, but then the mod of JuminZen week started liking my tweets about Dipshit anon (which in turn made me suspicious, as we did not know one another and did not talk until May). Strange asks started arriving to other bloggers in regards to JuminZen. My statcounter traffic started to spike with visits from the university of Dipshit.

In this period I made jokes about “Dipshit anon”, based on the fact that I had blocked them by ip more than once and they persisted in viewing my blog, leaving me to redirect their individual ip addresses to rick rolls, crash safari and more. In private I also complained about them, because their actions were making me uncomfortable.

They posted this on the 14th, which later made me suspicious

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159572324383/if-someone-makes-a-jumin-x-zen-week-i-will-boycott

(screenshot here)

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159700504123/wow-im-feeling-like-shit-i-want-to-die

This is what they posted on the 17th

(screenshot here)

This is definitely about me, considering everything I’ve covered so far and this paragraph

were the same person who talked about listening to survivors expressing discomfort yet you shut me down just for not liking your fave. even when i phrased things nicely and came just to discuss things you immediately responded aggressively and accused me of trying to start drama. well im sorry that i saw you discussing similar topics and thought i could come and express my feelings to you but obviously you only care about specific instances of homophobia or problematic things that occur in the fandom if they have to do with bashing ur gross fave, jumin the ultimate misogynist han

The thing I didn’t understand was why it was framed as if friends were laughing, but

#dragzenweek

#dragzenweek was established as a joke (and regardless of opinions on the matter, it was not actually tagged with Zen’s name), but Alyx reported receiving genuinely hateful comments from fans of Zen and people who hated Jumin over it. One of them was Dipshit anon, which I pointed out at the time on twitter. Alyx posted a screenshot of a post from their notifs with Dipshit Anon’s URL blanked out and I was able to identify it. I personally feel from the manner the screenshot was edited, it would not be possible to identify the user without prior knowledge. (Please don’t take my word for this, however. Here is a screenshot)

I was in contact with other friends about Dipshit anon’s behaviour and the possibility they were connected to other current dramas (at that point, I was the only person to receive an anon in regards to JuminZen who knew where it came from) both in private and otherwise. I was concerned, but did not want to spread malicious, unwarranted gossip.

It’s important to reiterate that in any given public conversation about Dipshit Anon, they were only ever referenced as such and not as any individual tumblr user. Dipshit-originally- referred to the general location of their Ip and Anon referred to the fact they had sent an anonymous message.

I spoke to Alyx about this at the time expressing concerns that Dipshit anon thought I was perhaps connected, or at the very least somehow involved with dragzen week.

On the 19th/20th April, I made a private document, detailing everything I currently knew, with links, screenshots etc (the first draft of this document). I did not want to keep repeating the story and if I was actually going to suspect this person of behaving badly, I needed proof. This document could not be liked, reblogged etc and and was only circulated privately among friends who had been in conversation about Dipshit thus far. It was a presentation of the facts as I knew them and intended to inform, leaving everyone to come to their own judgement on the matter.

Remember that at this point, beyond sending asks to Alyx and their priors with me, we did not know for sure Dipshit was connected to other dramas and without statcounter data, there was no way to actually prove it.

On the 19th of April, Alyx posted this screenshot to twitter.

At the time we joked about how this remark was actually unfair of both characters, as while it’s certainly true that Jumin can be quite mean to Zen, Zen is hardly kind to Jumin either. Neither the screenshot nor the subsequent thread were tagged JuminZen or Juzen. You would have had to have gone directly onto Alyx’s page to find it.

This coincides with the following twitter based traffic to my tumblr page.

Worth noting is that Alyx’s twitter is listed on their tumblr page, where they also received hateful messages about the week on the 20th of April,

which once again coincides with twitter based traffic from Dipshit Anon.

Considering Dipshit Anon complained on the 17th about me and my friends and then Alyx received a complaint about their hateful friends, I do not think it’s too much of a stretch to suggest a connection.

Also around the same point, off the back of sentiments from other people that someone was trying to perhaps stir bad feeling betweeen Juminzen and JuminV shippers, I commented that I knew of two potential problems in this regard, one of which was Dipshit anon who I knew for certain had sent me an ask that would have caused drama. I mentioned victim complex, by the way, as a comparison to the Juzen shippers sending asks badgering artists. I was rather suspicious that no matter how shady their behaviour, ultimately Dipshit anon would convince themselves they were doing the right thing and anyone who told them otherwise was being a bully or a homophobe, having seen such behaviour before- both from them and other fandom dramas.

Also worth noting is that my tweet was on my own personal twitter page, which is not listed anywhere and was written J*zen. It was not retweeted and no one commented on it. It would have been impossible to find without either going directly onto my page or searching Dipshit Anon.

Around the 20th, Vess confirms traffic from Dipshit anon coming through from Val’s blog. Vess continues to receive traffic from them over the next few days. This comes after a tweet expressing the belief that Dipshit anon is, in fact, more than one person. In response, I note that the messages I received (of which there were three) came from Dipshit anon, which I know for certain. I do not confirm or deny anyone else’s, however.

That same day, Gillian also questions if Dipshit Anon is making the rounds. However, I personally do not comment on that thread.

On the 21st of April, Dipshit anon posted hate directly to the Jumin Han tag because “they wanted Jumin stans to see it”

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159807410203/i-just-wanted-to-let-you-know-that-im-in-the-same

Screenshot is here

Note:- this gained a negative reaction on twitter as it broke established etiquette.

They later received an anon asking to stop sending messages.

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159834049063/look-im-not-here-to-convince-you-that-jumin-has

Screenshot is here

Note: I don’t know who sent this message. Up until this point, I had complained about them for stalking my blog, sending an ask that would have created a shit ton of drama and expressed my own concerns that they might have been doing the same to other people. None of us had mentioned sending asks about Jumin outside of that one post on the 19th, which related to askZen. This was not officially connected to Dipshit Anon at the time.

They later express righteous anger at the idea of “popular” Jumin and V stans blaming them for drama

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159834850458/apparently-someone-is-going-around-sending-angry

Screenshot is here

Note:- a quick search made it quite apparent that no ‘popular’ Jumin or V stans had referenced this blogger recently. However, this post comes shortly after dipshit anon was referenced as victim complex 101 on twitter (as dipshit anon). The connection was not made until later.

Dipshit anon claims to have been harassed, without mentioning names.

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159836552898/leave-me-alone-i-honestly-dont-know-what-the

Could be true, considering the Jumin post, though is not tied to that and no asks are published. Feels victimized for content they post on their own blog. Also claims not to have sent anons and only have lurked in the Zen tag, which is, frankly, untrue.

Note the phrasing: honestly how narcissistic do u have to be to think that one person who you had a disagreement with once is going around over 2 months later harassing every person who like jumin??? like??? <- this is about me

Link to Post - https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159836552898/leave-me-alone-i-honestly-dont-know-what-the

Screenshot

Note:- This message also comes off the back of me saying on twitter (not 100% seriously) that I’m almost tempted to do a call out. Also note that this mostly came from the fact that they accused us of stalking and bullying on tumblr based on out of context comments from twitter.

Dipshit anon claims that people are spreading misinformation.

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159838725443/honestly-i-dont-like-people-who-blame-things-on

At this point the only information being passed around is a private document containing links to legit sources that cannot be reblogged to avoid this exact thing. References being mocked, which … this blogger has not been referenced on tumblr. Has only been mocked for their efforts as Dipshit anon. Based on things they have actually done.

Screenshot is here

Dipshit anon refuses to give receipts on behaviour and references not wanting to start drama even though they spoke about boycotting an event only recently and tagged their hate that same day.

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159839414888/im-reading-ur-posts-abt-these-blogs-accusing-u-of

Screenshot is here

Dipshit anon tells another person that they have only made posts on their own blog irt Jumin, which is not true. They also say that their behaviour comes as a result of wanting their experiences as an abuse survivor to be considered. (Deleted! Screenshot available) Remember, they are not the only survivor here and they know this enough to try and use it in a vaguepost

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/156210280495/honestly-im-so-glad-youre-talking-about-how

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159700504123/wow-im-feeling-like-shit-i-want-to-die

Screenshot is here

this private post was only referenced on twitter. In replies to conversations, not all of which mentioned Dipshit anon. Usernames were not mentioned. It was not posted on tumblr. Enough said. It was at this point that everyone started to suspect they were actually watching people’s twitters.

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159839641293/whos-saying-its-you-whos-sending-the

Screenshot here

Demands information from the people supposedly sending them hate Deleted, I took a Screenshot

Posts this by way of a receipt (does not link actual users) Deleted, but I took a Screenshot

Note: You cannot just stumble across tweets !!! Also, the topic of conversation WAS Jumin. Dipshit got defensive after I refused to change the topic.

I would also speculate that this ask Alyx received on the 21st came from Dipshit anon, given these factors:

The timeline - having asked Alyx and knowing that ask arrived somewhere between 5am and 3pm cst on the 21st of April, which places it on the busiest period of Dipshit anon’s posts that day. Between the Jumin hate and many other of their corresponding posts

the knowledge that Dipshit anon was watching our twitters

the data that proves they were watching both Vess’ blog and mine for certain

They arrived at Vess’ blog via referral from Val’s. With this in mind and the facts above, it’s not unlikely that during this period they actually lurked everyone’s blogs.

This ask arrived during a very difficult climate when Dipshit felt particularly angry and in their own words, was stressed and emotional.

Not only that, but they themselves were on the receipt of criticism for posting hate in tags on the 21st.

I did a search of their blog for mentions of Yoosung and Unknown and they have explicitly stated a dislike for the Yooran ship (screenshot)

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159453918143/mysticmessengerspambot-gah-im-tired-of

This is speculation, but considering the evidence, I believe it is fair.

On the 22nd April, Dipshit Anon sends a message to Alyx (part2)(part 3)

They send a message to Serena shortly afterwards

Here is how the conversation goes:

S: “I’m a bit confused about what it is you want me to tell you, honestly. I never thought that we were engaged in drama nor were we fighting, considering I’ve never spoken to you before.”

DA: “No, I didn’t think so either. But apparently you and some others had a post listing things I’ve done and I was really confused?? There was accusations of me sending people who liked Jumin mean asks which I didn’t do? I just wanted to clear everything up and figure out where that was coming from.”

S: “I don’t recall anyone saying that people were sending Jumin fans mean asks. Can you be more specific?”

DA: “Um, wasn’t that the entire point of what was going on though? There were tweets saying that I was sending harassment to people who like Jumin?Someone sent me a message telling me to stop sending asks to people who like Jumin which I didn’t do? And it seemed like it was from one of you guys. I could be wrong, though.”

S: “Well, I didn’t send that message, and to my knowledge none of my friends have sent you anything.”

DA: “That was the bulk of my frustration. I saw some tweets assuming that I was sending anon asks to random people about Jumin which I didn’t do, and I was overwhelmed and upset at being told I was doing something that I didn’t.”

DA: “Okay. Then what was all the hype about saying that I was harassing Jumin fans? And that there was a private post that apparently had a bunch of evidence that I did a bunch of things? I honestly was super confused on what everyone thought I did and that’s why I was upset.”

S: “Do you want to link me to a specific tweet claiming that you’re harassing Jumin fans, because I still do not recall anyone saying that.”

S: Honestly, it’s really not my responsibility to entertain you, but I’m a bit tired of this and I have exams to study for so I’m going to anyway. First of all, my friends and I aren’t a hive mind. I don’t know what it is they’re saying about you at all times, and just because they say something it doesn’t mean that I personally agree with it.

Second of all, I was referencing this ask that you sent to Louise when I referred to sending asks trying to start shit:http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/159426686395/ … I’m not interested in debating whether or not that was actually your intention; it doesn’t really matter to me because that’s the effect it would’ve had when it landed in Louise’s inbox had she chosen to reply to you seriously. And I know that you were the one who sent that ask, because of this post that you made subsequently, so don’t bother:https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/159700504123/wow-im-feeling-like-shit-i-want-to-die … For some reason, you chose to pretend that her response was some sort of personal vendetta against you for disliking Jumin, even though her response has nothing to do with Jumin’s character at all and simply stated that she doesn’t want to partake in an argument that’ll cause friction with JuminZen fans. And then you did a whole lot of misconstruing by saying that she’s belittling you for your justified anger or not taking your experience as a survivor seriously, which is a very serious and untrue accusation to be making of a person who is also a survivor. Hence, my annoyance with you.

Thirdly, I posted my incredulity at the fact we’re the same age, because of your assertion that adults in the fandom are bullying you despite being an adult yourself, and despite the fact you aren’t being bullied. Getting blocked isn’t being bullied, it’s being ignored by someone who has no requirement to engage with you anyway. Fourth, it annoys me that you said you haven’t sent any asks about Jumin since months ago, when you just sent that JuminZen ask like two weeks ago, because that’s lying. This entire time you’ve remained anonymous in our discussions. We’ve literally been calling you “Dipshit anon”, and your url hasn’t been publicly revealed anywhere. None of this information is available to anyone except in our group of friends, since the post containing these and other links is private, and we’ve only been sending it through private messages to people we are friends with. The fact you decided to listen in on a conversation about things you really did and claim that having that conversation is bullying is your problem, not ours. Have a good night.

Screenshot of Dipshit Anon loading my blog one hour before I am referenced in this conversation

Before Dipshit Anon’s response, I learn that Vergil received a strange JuminZen ask and receive clarification that, while he did receive traffic from Dipshit (the location), the one in his askbox was Italian. Around this point we discuss potentially eliminating Dipshit from this particular inquiry, but also to keep an eye on them in case of future problems. I too received traffic from Italy recently.

Dipshit begins deleting posts off their blog around this point. (The final two on the list)

Vess confirms traffic from Dipshit anon

Dipshit Anon’s response 1,

, 3

, 4

, 5

, 6

, 7

, 8

, 9

, 10

, 11

, 12

, 13

, 14

, 15

, 16

Some notes:-

In regards to point 8, this person is blocked from my blog for reasons I have already explored and it is manipulative, to say the least, to complain about my reaction to them when they had no business being in my inbox in the first place.

The phrasing of point 8 actually is very manipulative in general “oh well, she doesn’t care”. My emotional labor is not for their profit, nor consumption.

Speaking of manipulative, consider the point about age. Dipshit anon repeatedly refers to themselves as a child when they are nineteen, repeatedly complains about adult bloggers and grownups being condescending and in points 8 and 9 complains about an inherently present power dynamic that I should be aware of when speaking to younger bloggers, all while sending asks on anon. I cannot feasibly guess the age of anonymous asks.

I don’t actually remember saying anything about Zen and Seven fans on my twitter or tumblr. I also cannot find anything on my twitter about this. So. Um. Receipt?

I believe that point 11 is true to an extent. I believe they probably found DragZen on the 17th and, from there, found Alyx’s tumblr. I also believe that from there they found Alyx’s twitter, which would give us something of a timeline so far. It certainly brings us to their angry post on the 17th, in any case.

It’s true that I identified them as Dipshit anon, but only after concluding that their URL was blanked out satisfactorily and only because Dipshit anon was the name I had been using from the beginning to identify the person that sent me a questionable ask and continue to load my blog afterwards.

The next part in 15 is just. Where do I begin? Even Dipshit is not sure whose anons I identified as theirs. As a matter of fact, I only identified Alyx’s. When Vess got statcounter, we compared data in the interest of accuracy (as I later did with Vergil), but none of this happened on my public twitter.

When Dipshit refers to Gillian receiving asks, I believe they are talking about this, which I did not confirm

Point 15/16 makes me really uncomfortable, for reasons I will come to at the end.

Here is them viewing my blog around about this time

S: Okay, re: everything else now.

1. All right, if you didn’t consider that ask as being about Jumin then I’m fine with setting aside the idea that you lied about it. It was personally frustrating to me because I really don’t care what asks you sent about Jumin months ago, I was annoyed by the response to Louise’s way of handling the JuminZen asks from a couple of weeks ago. It’s pretty clear by now that you probably didn’t even have that JuminZen ask in mind the entire time all of this was happening, but that’s what I was thinking of in terms of everything else I posted. I have my thoughts on how the situation could’ve been handled differently by both you and me, but at this point I don’t think it matters anymore and in the interest of resolving things let’s call it a misunderstanding and move on. I already said I don’t really want to debate whether or not that ask would actually have started drama so I’m not going to.

2. I wasn’t aware of the timing of your post was after the DragZenWeek incident and not after the ask you sent Louise, but upon re-reading it makes a lot more sense in that context and I’m sorry for making assumptions. To ease your worries, Louise wasn’t stalking your blog. She has an app called StatCounter that allows her to see where people are accessing her blog from—that’s how she put together who it was that had sent her other messages prior to the JuminZen ask, and that’s how she was able to block your IP address. By the way, she also knows you’ve been bypassing her IP block to visit her blog these last few days.

I can understand why you were stressed, honestly. I disagree with the way you do a lot of things, but I’ll readily admit that I personally made a lot of assumptions that I didn’t have a real basis for making, and I’m sorry. I stand by my statement that no one claimed you were going around and harassing Jumin fans with asks, though.

To explain my own point of view, most of what was annoying *me* was that you were conflating responses to you with disliking you for liking Jumin. I can’t speak for anyone else, obviously, but I personally could not care less if you hate Jumin. Speaking for myself here, I’ve said multiple times that although Jumin is my favourite character, I’m completely sympathetic with the reasons people would have for hating him, and I’ve also said that I would never engage in a debate over him with someone who says Jumin reminds them of past abuse because that isn’t my place to speak. Most if not all of my friends have said the same or similar, and honestly, I don’t want friends that don’t have that attitude and when I dislike someone I make it pretty damn easy to tell. But you were accusing Louise of that, which I think is especially insensitive because Louise is also a survivor, and now you’re saying that you meant for all of that to apply to Alyx too—not that you need to know this, but Alyx heavily criticizes Jumin’s route for the exact reasons that you probably would. Again, it’s a very serious thing to accuse people of being abuse apologists, especially when you don’t know the situation.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m sincerely sorry that you were hurt by my words yesterday, especially because some of the claims I was making were unfounded. Gossip is something I generally try to avoid, and I think this entire situation was a good reminder as to why I do that. I still don’t think this falls under the definition of bullying, but I do empathize with your perspective and I’m sorry for my involvement.

I’ll go back and delete any posts about this that were made by me. Here are my recommendations for you:

1. I don’t know if you have the extension XKit, but it allows you to blacklist certain words so that posts containing them don’t show up when you’re browsing tumblr, and it allows you to block posts that you dislike/don’t want to see. It’s a good tool to help you stay safe while navigating the site, and I think you should probably put Jumin’s name into it since you’ve mentioned that you find him severely upsetting.

2. Use the “anti” tags when you want to discuss character hate/critique, or don’t tag at all. It’s totally within your rights to critique a character, and using the anti tag means that anyone who chooses to interact with your post is consenting to do so knowing what they’ll be getting into. When you tag a post, you’re basically giving people permission to engage if they want to, so if you want to have a critical discussion about a character with like-minded people or people who disagree but are interested in having a discussion, that’s your way to do it. If you only want to discuss with like-minded individuals, you can throw on an “#I’m not interested in debating this” tag so people who disagree know to stay away. There’s a reason none of the DragZenWeek posts were tagged with Zen’s name and this is that reason.

3. This goes for both of us, but if you’re seeing something happening out of context, don’t assume that you know what the context is. You didn’t know what it was I was talking about when I discussed asks you sent, I didn’t know what you were talking about when you made that post (and I also assumed it was you sending the other asks, double bad on me). I don’t think I’ve anything more to say on this subject. If you do, feel free. Thank you for taking the time to contact me in spite of your social anxiety—I understand that that was hard to do and I appreciate it.

Dipshit Anon:

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate you clearing things up. I usually tag my posts with anti-Jumin, but at that time I was still emotional and defensive about things I previously mentioned, so I thought that tagging it would send a one time message to people that like Jumin to not harass survivors that feel uncomfortable with him about it. That’s all I wanted. It was a bad move on my part and I’ve gone and fixed it and I’m sorry.

I forgot to clarify these things - I didn’t think Alyx was being insensitive towards me being an abuse survivor - I made an error when constructing that sentence and it made it seem like I was including them in that statement. I just was upset because I was under the impression that they thought I was pathetic and attention seeking for my deleted post on DragZenWeek.

I can’t remember what exactly happened that made me say that thing about Louise being insensitive to abuse survivors and not liking me because I didn’t like Jumin, but that wasn’t about the JuminZen ask I sent or the previous one for February. It was something to do with her statement about me being attention seeking and seeing some responses to other people’s asks who criticized Jumin or something. I honestly can’t remember, and looking back at the post I don’t know why I said that, and I’m sorry.

I feel like a lot of this was due to misunderstandings by me and a little on the others sides and I reacted defensively and angrily to situations when I didn’t know the entire story. That just led to more statements and miscommunication on both sides and it spiraled out of control. Nevertheless, I apologize wholeheartedly and I appreciate you giving me a polite and courteous reply. I’ve been dealing with some tough stuff in real life for the past few months, including a traumatic brain injury, that’s clouded my judgement and made me more volatile and sensitive to criticism or what I misunderstand as negativity directed at me. I know that doesn’t excuse anything, but I just wanted to clarify that I’m not usually like this, and I usually keep to myself. I’m digressing, but I sincerely do apologize. I appreciate your clarification and will definitely do the the things you recommended. If you could, it would be very much appreciated if you could pass along my apology sentiments to everyone else that was involved. You don’t have to, and I’m not expecting them to forgive or unblock me or anything, I just want them to know that I am sorry and I’m usually a reasonable and nice person when not under extenuating circumstances.

Thank you again and I wish you the best.

Also - clarification about why I didn’t have Jumin’s name blacklisted - I’m on mobile Tumblr a lot, because it’s just easier for me to use because of a lot of convoluted reasons related to my learning disabilities and mental illnesses. But I do have them blacklisted on my computer, and when I’m on mobile if I see a particularly terrible hate post about Zen or a post that is praising Jumin but uses examples of Zen and why he comes up short in comparison, I’ll block that person. I usually don’t really care and avoid that stuff, but I have encountered several blogs in particular (none of which belong to you or any of your friends) that express extreme animosity towards people who say Jumin makes them uncomfortable or reminds them of past abuse. That’s kind of where that ask response was coming from. I just wanted people not to bug others who don’t like him. But it was done in the wrong way and I’m sorry. Also, I was only checking Louise’s blog because I was paranoid that she was going to post things about me and I wouldn’t be able to see them. I’m not going to do that anymore and I’m sorry.

And those blogs I mentioned that attack abuse survivors make numerous posts saying stuff like “if you say jumin made you uncomfortable I don’t like you” or “people who are triggered by jumin are the worst” and etc. Again, it wasn’t you or any of your friends, but some of those people who do that were really insensitive. I’m sorry for tagging the post though and getting y'all dragged into it.

Notes:-

There is a difference between EXPLAINING your actions where relevant and EXCUSING them. And excusing them is very much what’s happening here, given this phrasing: I’m usually a reasonable and nice person when not under extenuating circumstances.

Disability or stress or emotion is not an extenuating circumstance for accusations of abuse apologism and stalking, nor is it an extenuating circumstance for repeatedly insisting on engaging in conversation with someone who has blocked you. It’s not an extenuating circumstance for flat out lying in some cases and manipulating the facts in others. It’s not an extenuating circumstance for listening on a conversation you aren’t included in and choosing to accuse the people having the conversation of bullying instead of asking for context.

Secondly, Dipshit’s comment here: I forgot to clarify these things - I didn’t think Alyx was being insensitive towards me being an abuse survivor - I made an error when constructing that sentence and it made it seem like I was including them in that statement. I just was upset because I was under the impression that they thought I was pathetic and attention seeking for my deleted post on DragZenWeek.

Given the timeline we have so far, their post on the 17th, Alyx’s asks around that period and the traffic on my blog, I think it’s more accurate to suggest that they WERE including them and are backtracking.

Also in regards to this: I can’t remember what exactly happened that made me say that thing about Louise being insensitive to abuse survivors and not liking me because I didn’t like Jumin, but that wasn’t about the JuminZen ask I sent or the previous one for February. It was something to do with her statement about me being attention seeking and seeing some responses to other people’s asks who criticized Jumin or something. I honestly can’t remember, and looking back at the post I don’t know why I said that, and I’m sorry.

Once again, given our timeline, the fact that if I called them attention seeking at all it wasn’t until after the 19th in replies to other people and Alyx and I chatted about Jumin on twitter on the 19th, I feel it’s fair to conclude that this could be a legitimate memory blank, but it’s more likely to be backtracking.

It’s also very clearly backtracking irt: but that wasn’t about the JuminZen ask I sent or the previous one for February, when both are explicitly referenced in the post itself.

I usually don’t really care and avoid that stuff, but I have encountered several blogs in particular (none of which belong to you or any of your friends) that express extreme animosity towards people who say Jumin makes them uncomfortable or reminds them of past abuse.

This is the second (?) time they’ve angrily drawn other people into a conversation about unrelated topics and they have made posts about boycotting events, they tagged their hate only recently etc. I think it is fair to conclude from all evidence so far that they do care and they don’t avoid that stuff.

I’m on mobile Tumblr a lot, because it’s just easier for me to use because of a lot of convoluted reasons related to my learning disabilities and mental illnesses

I went back to count and Dipshit anon mentions their illnesses, injuries and more on seven separate occasions and always in the context of gaining pity, thereby shifting the power dynamics of the conversation.

Dipshit Anon remains blocked as of April 2017

As of 22nd of April 2017, they continue to load pages of my blog, despite their own statement that they would not:

Also, I was only checking Louise’s blog because I was paranoid that she was going to post things about me and I wouldn’t be able to see them. I’m not going to do that anymore and I’m sorry.

Also worth noting is that this traffic came through a t.co reference, which is the shortened url format from twitter.

In response to this, I made my tweets private again and removed the link to my blog from my twitter bio.

As of May 8th 2017, they continue to load pages of my blog.

I believe this occurred because of a reblog of this post.

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/160437244740/your-recent-reblog-made-me-realise-how-mistreated

As of the 10th of May, I receive traffic on a singular VxMC-centric fic from Dipshit (the location). This traffic recurs over several days right up until the 14th.

I do not usually receive traffic from Dipshit the location with this amount of frequency. I also knew that Dipshit the person had been browsing my blog. This put them on my radar.

On May 15th 2017, I learned of this ask on Void’s blog

http://vo-dcc.tumblr.com/post/160686201606/i-saw-you-were-one-of-the-artists-for-the-zen

(screenshot).

At the time, I had my suspicions that Dipshit might be involved and a brief check on their posts that day reveals that Dipshit did intend to submit to the fanzine.

(Link)

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/160685696123/zen-fanzine-project

At approximately 9am that morning, I receive traffic from them on statcounter.

The interesting thing about this is that at first I was not entirely sure why this traffic happened. I do not reference anything about this incident on my blog until approximately midday, when I reblog Void’s answer to a second ask.

http://vo-dcc.tumblr.com/post/160688531186/the-creator-of-the-zen-fanzine-did-clarify-that

(Screenshot) (Here is the time stamp of when I actually reblogged it)

From 8.30am onwards, Void and I were talking privately about the situation, at which point (a little before this conversation)

Void referenced typing out a long post, which likely became the one they later posted. (Having chatted to Void, they later confirmed that it was in fact, already posted by the time of that screen.) This creates something of a potential timeline of Dipshit seeing the post shortly after it was posted and following through to my blog shortly afterwards. (Note: I believe I was not the only one to receive this treatment, but I’ll get to that later)

In any case. I asked Void to check if they were blocked by Dipshit and it later transpired that they were.

I encouraged Void to get Statcounter, we compared notes and here is a full compilation of all traffic

from

Dipshit received within the first day of installation. (Pls note that the date is different because of time zones. I live in Britain and for me these times are in the evening of the 15th. US people would be even further back in the day)

Here is a screen of Dipshit later admitting to sending both asks covered so far to Void

Note that I said I was not the only person whose blog potentially received attention from Dipshit as a result of Void’s posts. I believe that Dipshit actually went through the blogs of several people who either commented or expressed support for Void over the course of those few hours spanning from when they first received an ask to the 9am response.

This would not only fall in line with current evidence at hand, but also their actions in April.

Exhibit a

, exhibit b

, and exhibit c

(link)

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/160688548033/lmao-i-just-found-out-that-this-gross-person-who

(I’m coming back to this one later)

Also take note of this reblog by user setthestarsxonfire.

https://setthestarsxnfire.tumblr.com/post/160686536882/i-saw-you-were-one-of-the-artists-for-the-zen

(Screenshot)

They made a post a short time afterwards, further going into their feelings on the matter

(link)

https://setthestarsxnfire.tumblr.com/post/160687270552/please-guys-dont-go-hating-on-another-person

Afterwards, they received three asks (ask a,

ask b

and c

) (link to a,

https://setthestarsxnfire.tumblr.com/post/160689487552/juzen-is-an-abusive-ship-its-unhealthy-and

link to b

https://setthestarsxnfire.tumblr.com/post/160690376012/oh-my-gooooodddd-did-you-just-say-that-zen-needs

, link to c

https://setthestarsxnfire.tumblr.com/post/160691061357/i-only-replied-to-part-of-your-response-because)

When reviewing statcounter data, it’s clear that Dipshit reviews the #notes of posts and flits from one blog to another.

While this was happening, I was in conversation with user mariamagica, having seen them comment on Void’s post that they knew who was sending the anons. Considering that this was the same person who had liked my tweet about Dipshit Anon way back in April, I was curious to know what they knew and if we had any shared experiences.

It transpired that Dipshit was so well known to them and had caused them so much bother that they were able to reference them by name within a matter of seconds. They sent me this screenshot sent to the askbox of the Juminzen week blog.

Mariamagica had them blocked, but I encouraged them to get statcounter and here is their Dipshit traffic from the 15th.

A short time after this, Vess and Jun confirm that Dipshit followed them that same day.

Dipshit continues to lurk my blog.

Having gone over the events of the day, I made a post at 18:46 my time. This is a soft warning and a pre-emptive call out. Up until this point I had not said anything about Dipshit anon publicly on my tumblr, but I was running increasingly low on patience. I blocked them in February and kept the details to myself at the time, but they continued. In April, we resolved it peacefully but they continued. At this point they were on strike three.

In my post, I listed three examples of asks from Dipshit.

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/160701054230/attn-mysme-fandom

These were all examples I could confidently attribute to Dipshit and as it gained so many reblogs, I gained

lot of traffic

from Dipshit

in that period.

This traffic extends to my personal blog

I received an ask

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/160703102265/hi-im-not-looking-to-start-drama-and-am-here-on

(screenshot, including timestamp of receipt)

-Dipshit on my blog in that exact same time frame? Check

-Not my ask but trying to pull the high ground with me about it anyway? Check

-“Please consider the abuse victims!!1″ To a survivor? Check.

-Sending a really questionable anon in general? Check.

After my response saying that if I received any more messages I would reply with their URL, Serena got a message from Dipshit, complaining that I should apologise to their friend

for blaming them for things Dipshit had done.

This earns the biggest of sighs and rolliest of eyes from me and there are hundreds of things I could say about it, such as the sheer unlikeliness of a random mysme blogger I have never heard of before (and incidentally never blocked) showing up to send me an ask with the precise same objections as Dipshit while Dipshit is on my blog, all while having no involvement with what Dipshit is doing. Even Dipshit acknowledged they were friends and went so far as to link their Zen centric blog.

They later post the following screens to their blog, which confirm that they sent these

asks to Stars and encouraged another person to send more: 1

Also. This is what a receipt for blocking looks like.

However, if a chat is what’s going these days, here’s a chat

between the mods of JuminZen week

discussing whether or not to block

Dipshit, drafting a response and discovering they were already blocked,

as forwarded to me by mariamagica <3

I’m especially interested by the use of the word “demonise”. Demonise only makes sense in terms of me addressing Dipshit and publishing their URL, neither of which have anything to do with their friend…who up until that message was anonymous in this conversation.

User setthestarxonfire also receives two

https://setthestarsxnfire.tumblr.com/post/160705202992/hi-there-i-just-wanted-to-check-aside-from-any

https://setthestarsxnfire.tumblr.com/post/160706326042/thanks-for-your-kind-response-and-for-being-so

asks about this in much the same vein with identical phrasing. (screenshot one) (screenshot two)

You may recall I referenced user capitolscum. That is the personal of mmscum, who I was also in touch with at this time. Through the reblogs of my Attn:-Mysme fandom post, I became aware that they too had received strange anons.

As it happened, Scum had received three anonymous asks. One

, Two

and Three

(Links: One, Two and Three)

https://mmscum.tumblr.com/post/160542799049/you-should-read-jealous-wolf-by

https://mmscum.tumblr.com/post/160544142294/i-meant-what-isnt-his-its-a-little-odd-to-say

https://mmscum.tumblr.com/post/160556930029/anonhave-you-read-either-of-those-fics-if-you

This prompted the following essay:- 1,

10,

11,

Which corresponded with this review on AO3 (Please zoom)

This coincides with this ask

and this response from Scum (part one and two)

It also prompted this chat (part one)(part two)

I’m including this chat for the sole reason that this is how Dipshit described it post call out

It’s unclear what exact fic Dipshit is referring to, though Scum believes the comment they’re referring to is this one, on a fic exploring Zen’s recovery as a survivor of a traumatic incident prior to the first chapter.

There’s also this post

https://mmscum.tumblr.com/post/160144676634/i-love-my-followers-but-this-is-the-first-time

addressing negativity in fandom (screenshot here),

to which Dipshit anon responded twice (one, two)

(links)

http://mmscum.tumblr.com/tagged/vallanoble

I’m including this for the sheer ridiculousness of the fact that it happened two weeks ago and shows them discouraging their own behaviour.

Scum, post callout, received this review on the same fic

Considering both the linguistical patterns and the complaints both matched Dipshit, we did a bit of investigating and if this is a coincidence it’s a very unfortunate one.

And now we arrive at the 16th of May.

Void gets notifications from Dipshit

and their reaction

speaks for itself.

Remember this?

Void is 17. Younger than Dipshit and a minor.

I have

multiple visits

from

Dipshit that day (Is it worth me even saying it at this point? Whatever)

Here is Mariamagica’s traffic for that day (All of the ones from the university are Dipshit)

17th of May, today!

Dipshit

is active

on my blog and Void’s

(The one blacked out the most.)

Scum passes on their statcounter data to me and Dipshit is not only a visitor

but recently went through the notes of this post

http://mmscum.tumblr.com/post/160736788924/mmscum-mmscum-i-love-my-followers-but-this-is

which somewhat ironically was partially inspired by their actions.

Considering this fact and the fact that they visit my blog in the wake of this reblog

http://fromthedeskofelizabeththird.tumblr.com/post/160765050395/fandom-commandments

(statcounter)

their subsequent blog post becomes slightly more interesting.

(Screenshot one)

(Screenshot two)

(link to post)

https://vallanoble.tumblr.com/post/160777864913/if-your-let-people-ship-what-they-want-uwu

It’s past midnight now and I’m about to go to bed. I have only one thing to say on this matter, however.

The adage that the internet is not your safe space is not a suggestion that it should not be safe. It means that the internet is not the safe place of any individual person. It belongs to all of us and there is going to be opinions, ships, characters etc you do not like personally. But it is NO ONE’s job to keep you safe but your own. It’s nobody else’s responsibility to write characters as you see them. It’s no one else’s job to keep the content you don’t like off your radar or create the content that you do. There’s no justification for treating real people badly over fictional things.

A few other notes post call out:-

Dipshit remains blocked. Here is a screenshot of a message they sent to me the day after I posted the call out (part one)

(part two)

from a new blog designed to collect receipts (this is not hyperbole: screen shot one

and two

). This blog has since been deleted.

I am not a shipper of Juzen and so bad behaviour within the community is not something I would know of immediately or in much depth, however:

Dipshit considers an anti Juzen week to educate the homophobic women who ship it.

This is an interesting one, as it coincides with the appearance of the blog juzenisgross, which specifically posted excerpts from Why does he do that (a book about abusive relationships and domestic violence) in the juzen tags on the first day of juzen week.

This is a loose thread on its own. However. This is the time stamp of the first post on the blog.

This is Dipshit on my blog.

Once again, possibly coincidence, but incredibly unfortunate if so.

Here is Dipshit continuing to send lengthy messages to content creators 1,

along with her refusal to blacklist tags

#mystic messenger #mysme #abuse tw

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