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How to Increase Biodiversity on a Budget - Masterpost
It cannot be stressed enough that supporting native wildlife is important, wherever you are and however you can. But it can feel a bit daunting to think about doing, especially if youâre operating on a smaller budget. Itâs not uncommon to hear about someoneâs success story and think how much did it cost to do that?
Iâm hoping that I can provide a good bunch of ideas on how to help heal the world around you without hurting your wallet. Feel free to use this as a guide, or a bouncing-off point to do actions in your own style!
Before we get Started
I want to make it clear that this is not a checklist of things you are required to do in order to be âhelping.â This isnât an âall or nothingâ kind of deal. Every little bit you do helps. Being aware of these options and spreading awareness helps. Doing even just a handful of these options as youâre able to helps.
With that being said, we need to acknowledge that not everything in this list is feasible for everyone. Some people have a fenced yard in the suburbs. Some people have an unfenced yard with judgy neighbors and/or a restrictive HOA policy. Some people canât directly control their own landscaping, whether that be because of an external lawn maintenance ruling or something like âliving with your parents.â Some people have a 4th story apartment with a small balcony. Some people rent and canât grow directly into the ground. If the best you can do is put up a bird feeder, or grow a few pollinator-friendly plants in pots? I see you. I feel you. Iâve been there. I appreciate what youâre doing, and you know what? So does the wildlife.
Un-actions, or Restriction of Activities
Things to Do that Arenât Related to Growing Plants
The Plants-Related Section
Adding To, or Starting, A Garden
Cheaply Starting
Supporting Your Plants for Cheap: Composting, Mulching, and Trellises
What Plants to Add
What to Do Once Things Are Planted
The Secret Other Thing - Managing Invasive Plants and Animals
Parting Words and Sources
If youâre interested in joining a group of gardening enthusiasts who are always down to talk about biodiversity, project ideas, and native plants, feel free to hop into my gardening discord!Â
#gardening#biodiversity#outdoor gardening#cheap gardening#solarpunk#idk what else to tag this as#I'm gonna post one or two of my pieces every day because. uh. it's a lot. and i gotta doublecheck for quality#but I'll link them all on THIS POST as I add them#ani rambles#out of queue#the biodiversity saga#editing the tags because I said 'im gonna post one or two a day' LMFAOOOOO#OK EVERYONE ITS DONE ITS OFFICIALLY DONE FEEL FREE TO GO HAM
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I feel like if Chujin was still alive during the events of Undertale Yellow, his and Clover's relationship would be incredibly rocky. Pacifist!Clover could bring him around to tolerating them (after all, they have that sort of effect on everyone), but it would be more in a "this human is the only 'good' human" manner than a "maybe I should reevaluate my opinions on humans overall because you can't judge an entire group based off (very biased) stories and one bad experience." Even then, that opinion would be subject to change should Clover ever get frustrated or behave "too aggressively" or act in any manner that isn't perfectly docile. If Clover ends up attacking a monster then it's "humans are just as horrible as they were in the war stories, I should've known better" regardless of the circumstances that could've pushed Clover to fight. Suffocating expectations and endless demands for patience when he wouldn't ask the same of a fellow monster.
And heaven forbid he ever meet Clover on a No Mercy Run...
#undertale yellow#i hc that his parents were involved in the war and he was born after monsters were sealed underground#so he's one degree removed from all that trauma which is understandable why he'd be so afraid#but at the same time Blackjack had similar circumstances and he came around to liking clover and judging based on character#instead of by who someone is.#sometimes you need to sit down and realize that the problem is you and your views instead of everyone else but he doesn't strike#me as the sort to do that type of self reflection.#Chujin is a character who is absolutely ruled by his fear. he leaves kanako and dalv alone after they were attacked by a human#to sicc axis on integrity. he hinged his whole career on building guard robots (and judging by some of the paperwork in the Steamworks#he was the only one who wanted to build guard robots).#he destroyed his health and left his wife a widow/his child fatherless to craft a serum to defeat humans.#he experimented on a human (child's!!!!) soul and ordered his wife to k.ill an INNOCENT human.#he literally says that humans are incapable of decency in any form!!!!! the writing is on the wall!!!!!#not to sound like I'm bashing on his character because he did do a lot of good for the underground. he made the honeydew resort heater#and Martlet's balcony. and it's implied he built the bridge between the wild east and Starlo's family's farm with the fox-bell#symbol on that bridge. he inspired martlet to take up woodwork which put her on the path to joining the Royal Guard and meeting clover#he likely did a bunch of other good things as well that never got brought up. he did do some good actions.#but he is not someone that i would call a good person.#(realized i ended up with a long string of tags down here. if someone wants to screenshot it and add it to the post go for it)#edit: i find it utterly fascinating that he calls humans incapable of decency yet acknowledges that there can be a pure human SOUL#what an utter hypocrite! i doubt the contradiction ever even occurred to him!
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"Since the Netherbrain fell, you and Astarion have seen more of Faerûn than you ever thought possible. One night, he tells you that these last six months of happy memories are the counterweight to two hundred years of misery."
idk what's up with my obsession with drawing astarion being happy and cared for but I'm sure it's not gonna come up in therapy. AFFECTION BEAM!!!!
#baldur's gate 3#bg3#bg3 fanart#bg3 tav#bg3 astarion#astarion ancunin#astarion x tav#tav x astarion#zyrastarion#bloodsong#dinosaur laser art#can you tell I'm getting bolder with posting my shit on tumblr#hey welcome to my tags where I have a mental breakdown#I'm unwell about this character. severely#and I'll make it everyone else's problem thank you good night#listen I just think we should allow astarion to be goofy.#postgame astarion is a good old fashioned lover boy (tm)#spawnstarion my BELOVED I would do unspeakable things to you#what's the maximum amount of tags I can add to this#I don't care if this is ooc I don't CARE he's my silly rabbit#I'm 28 years old and I've lost control of my life#I'm on my second run and I tried so hard not to romance him#I was having a genuinely miserable time LMAO dear lord#I gave up and romanced him anyways it's fine we're all fine#in all seriousness drawing this kind of stuff is therapeutic#he's a comfort character to me due to shared trauma etc#and I find comfort in seeing him in mundane situations#but like. happy and thriving and free. as he should be#larian studios meet me in the pit you've ruined my life#EDIT: I forgot tieflings have a forked tongue please kill me
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finally made a proper ref for my fursona after 2 years of having him... so sorry to anyone whos drawn him before this LOL
đđșđš summer commissions are open! come browse my site if youâre interested!
#furry#fursona#tapir#my art#my ocs#finished#2023#normally i dont really make refs for my ocs since people can extrapolate from art ive posted#but there is a huge drought of colored art of my sona since i only really use him for silly comics/doodles#sooooo i had to make one for everyone elses sake#edit I FORGOT TO ADD MY COMMISSIONS FLAIR AGAIN AGH
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and why is it always moids adding their weird ass useless opinions on my edits and graphics
#thought it went without saying but iâm gonna put it in the open for everyone#you reblog my edits and add your useless opinion#be it in the reblog or in tags and you get blocked#iâm not here to be popular or reblogged by many or anything; i donât CARE about reaching an audience#but if you ruin my post and the way i intented it to look youâre going down#you and everyone else reblogging from you! bye!!#sheska
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**(Trigger warning: SA mention(ed once))**
Idk how to start these kinds of posts, so I'm going to start off with my thoughts about the situation, because I'm at my breaking point.
First off, I'd like to say how fucking pissed I am to see people harassing and sending death threats to others for liking a character from Outlast, where pretty much *everyone is fucking horrible.* I'm assuming the people who do so are not used to fandoms like Outlast, but oh my god it's gone way too far. Why harass someone for liking a fictional character?
On that note, I'd like to discuss Coyle a little bit, concerning the people who have admitted to liking him openly getting harassed. I like him. I have ever since the closed beta came out. Most of us are aware that he's a horrible person, but so many of you think that we like him because of the things he's done, when no, that's not the case. We don't like him because he was a Klan member, we don't like him because he is a domestic abuser. Most of us like him because he's an attractive character, and he has an interesting story. People might just like him because he's their type. it doesn't have to go any deeper than that. Can't we like horrible characters anymore without being harassed?
Also, a lot of these people who seem to think that we like him because of the things he's done, seem to think that because we like him, it means it *must* align with our morals, when no, that's not how that works. I'm not entirely sure if these people are that stupid, or they just refuse to use their brains. I have seen someone call people who like Coyle racist over little to no evidence, it's just because they think that he's a disgusting character, it must mean that anyone who likes him is the same way. That's just stupid. Plain stupid.
Now, my personal thoughts about Coyle because I've been keeping them all bottled up.
As someone who's liked him ever since the closed beta, I can tell you that I fell in love with him *before* his lore was released. At the time, all I knew was that he SA'd people and was sadistic. When his lore *did* finally came out, I legitimately felt heartbroken. So I can tell you with complete certainty, that most people who *do* like him, don't like him because of the terrible things he's done, it's because we were just attracted to his character. And also, I've seen some people say that we should just stop being connected/loving him because of his backstory. I can tell you right now, that that's not how it fucking works. You can't just cut yourself off from a character immediately, especially if you're extremely connected to the said character.
And to the people saying that we "romanticize", "sexualize", and "glorify" Coyle (I'm using Coyle as another example, because that's pretty much all I see mentioned when people complain, besides the few people who complain about Eddie simps/stans), we don't do that by simply ignoring what he's done. We do realize he's bad, and we don't need to hyperfocus on those specific traits of his backstory or character. We also aren't saying anything he has done or does is a good thing that should be followed, we are simply ignoring those parts because they aren't really plot-important, nor do they really need attention.
Now.... Considering that the people have been harassing (indirectly or directly I don't care) others have liked and posted characters such as Nurse Sally and Val, I don't think their opinions are the most valid. I might be wrong, please correct me if I am. People who have attachments to/are attracted to a horrible character aren't immediately horrible themselves. I can promise you, most people who like horrible, disgusting characters aren't like them at all.
Now about the Proshipper bs, I'm not going to talk about that, because I have little knowledge about it. About Dead Dove fics on the other hand, nobody is forcing you to read those fics. It's completely *your* fault for not reading the tags in advance, it's not the writers' or other consumers' fault. Dead Dove literally means that there are going to be dark subjects in the fanfic, don't complain once you read it and see dark subjects like the tag had told you beforehand.
Coyle himself, is a terrible, *terrible* man. But that doesn't mean we have to focus on him being horrible *all* the time. There are plenty of characters who are almost exactly the same, or are worse. You can't control or police who other people can love vs who they can't, especially not in the outlast fandom, where most of the characters are horrible in their own right. You may not be into certain characters, but that doesn't mean you can harass and send death threats to others who do.
(I apologize if this wasn't as coherent as I hoped :'))
#outlast#I've been fucking livid for months about this shit#Any criticism will be helpful#Because i'm still heated rn#I'm sorry if I'm not being coherent#Why are fans of certain characters getting flammed for liking someone terrible in a fandom where everyone is bad to some degree#Why are we telling people that what characters they like align with their actual morals#I'm aware I might get threats and harassment myself#I'm also aware I might get certain people pissy#Let people like the characters they want as long as they're not breaking the law#I might add other tags later on#Might edit this post later if I remember anything else#This was my first fucking post omfg#the outlast trials
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things I need to do to plan for meeting up with someone Iâve not seen in over a year tomorrow: plan my outfit, come up with a reasonable and realistic lie about why my ex left me that doesnât start an hour long conversation, come up with a reasonable lie about why everyone else other than my ex also left me which doesnât start an even longer conversation, and convince her I do NOT have a boyfriend (sheâll keep asking if Iâm dating someone)
it literally doesnât .
#maybe I should just tell her Iâm still with my ex . she wonât ask my ex about it#she hates my ex.#which is bad because my ex is a lovely person and they really donât deserve that.#but then if I tell her weâre still together sheâll try to get me to break up with the#them.#also everyone else there knows that my ex left me.#edited to add the screenshot because itâs funny to me.#Iâve only ever seen that on my overly personal posts.
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Ok, but only because you've asked for this (and even then its gonna be so abridged cuz god forbid strangers on the internet see the inner workings of my mind)
Overall personal vampire lore:
I like the idea that different vampires have different powers and that abilities and weaknesses are passed down from the vampire who turned you +random mutations much like normal genetics
Because of the above, I get to mix and match and pick different classic vampire tropes dependent on my ocs :3c
I feel like there'd be 3 types of vampire, social types who live with covens and throw parties and embody the typical sexy stereotypes; and the weird creepy loners who live in caves and sewers and lurk in the dark (usually have more extreme weaknesses or obvious tells ie: burning to death in sunlight); and the poor souls who would like to attempt to blend in with mortal life (tend to be younger more modern vampires)
Vampires can be seen in mirrors in my universe, however some don't appear on film. No i dont have a good explanation beyond more fun to write that way
While vampires dont technically need normal food and sleep to survive, most still benifit from them. A sleepy vampire is a dangerous vampire.
Vampires bleed differently depending on how much/how recently they've eaten. If they've just downed a few glasses of O negative they bleed like a normal mortal, but if they've only snacked a lil like many hours ago, they're own blood will be darker and thicker.
Then, because I simply must, my two main vampire ocs:
Stella
My og babygirl mary sue sweet meow meow. I've been developing her since I was like 12, she is my everything. She has blue hair AND pronouns.
Was turned at 17 because she was dying and her brother thought itd be better to give her to a bunch of vampires than to watch her die in a hospital
Has amnesia for almost everything before that and waking up alone in an alleyway covered in blood
She knows a guy who supplies her with bags of blood, fake documents, and a variety of other shady things. She met him by dumb luck (backstory yet determined)
She works at starbucks. She doesn't need to as her main income is defrauding rich idiots, she just likes coffee and having something to do
Loves to mix elk blood and dark chocolate
Abilies/weaknesses include: inhuman strength, darkvision, heightened senses, superhuman endurance/self healing
can be in the sun but gets weaker and hungrier the longer her exposure
can technically hypnotize others (she's just really bad at it)
inflicted with horrible vivid dreams of her death :D
And
Naomi
(Who i realize I need better references pics of...)
She's a fruit bat
Got mugged in an alley and saved (turned) by a beautiful stranger who she fell in love with and dreams of meeting again
Was born blind, can use echolocation but gets disoriented in noisy/crowded environments
Eats fruit, no blood. Just a metric shitload of fruit.
No issues going in the sun whatsoever
Can turn into a bat and often sleeps hanging upside down
Is exceptionally tolerable of Stella who lashes out at her for having a less horrible time being a vampire
Bonus
Enjoy a pic I commissioned OP to draw of Stella a few years ago
Itâs my birthday next week and I want VAMPIRES!!!
Show me your ocs or favs from media! Tell me your personall vampire lore or fun things you like about them! Ask me an questions you have about my vampire ocs or vampires in general!!
#ok its like 6am and I wrote this two days ago#my intention was to go back and edit or add stuff#but im sleepy and will forget this exists if I don't post it#farvann thank you for the excuse to make a self indulgent post about my ocs#everyone else dont look because im embarrassed but also if anyone wants to send me asks wanting to know more id be over the moon#karma talks#karma draws
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â đ đđđđđ đđđđđ đđđ đđđ đ
đđđđđđ đ
đđđđ !! â
â PROF. GETO IS SO HOT AND NOW HEâS YOUR THESIS ADVISOR !! â
⧠pairing: professor!geto x f!reader (yuta x f!reader) (part six of the prof geto series)
⧠summary: just when you had moved on, suguru is back in your life as your thesis advisor, and what choice do you have but to deal -- deal with lingering feelings from your breakup, but also yuta's. and through this, you both find out what you all owe to each other.
⧠warnings: 18+, nsfw, smut , fluff, but also angst depictions of student/teacher relationship (only ok in fiction not irl!!!), reader is a grad student, but age is vague, post breakup, dealing with exes, insecurity, semi-exhibitionism, desk sex, fingering (f! receiving), handjob (m! receiving), oral (f! + m! receiving), sex (p in v), creampie, multiple orgasms, amateur's take on moral philsophy and ethics, fanart by @ / kyrraen (pls go follow them, they are so talented)
⧠w/c: 25,305 | part one | part two | part three | part four | part five
Suguru never had believed in fate before â before he met you.Â
And now it seemed fate had its own plans for the both of you â pulling you together, even when he had tried his best to push the two of you apart. Try he had, and in the end, you both ended up back where you had started â seated across from each other with a pile of papers littered with red pen.Â
Except now he himself had found himself littered with you â your tie pin you had given him, the way his fingers wanted to smooth your brow with a kiss as it furrowed while you flipped through your proposal, and how his heart felt whole from the moment you walked in the room. And he knew he would be littered with your marks all his life, more permanent than ink â and he would never be able rid himself of them.Â
Or of you.Â
When Yaga had come to him with the news, it was already too much to handle. He was being re-assigned to Tokyo to handle duties for both schools for a time â until someone stepped up to handle Kyoto. Yaga didnât trust anyone else â and since Suguru had worked at Tokyo longer, it made sense to have him go back.Â
But then the question of you â the reminder came on the form of your email during their meeting â and you came into his world again the same way you did before â an email for a meeting. But it wasnât for him.Â
Not yet at least.Â
It was hard to know what to do, or what you would want. Yaga could have you re-assigned, but the thesis you were working on was in Suguruâs specialty and he knew half the reason you had asked Yaga was to have a department head listed on your thesis. And to rob you of that wasnât a choice he wanted to make for you.Â
Heâs done enough of that to you. And he had done it for your future â and he would do this for your future, if you wanted him to.Â
Youâre speechless when he breaks the news to you â as he expected you would be. But his surprise comes when you reply â he expected anger, frustration, a straight out refusal to work with him â but he did not get any of those â he only got quiet acceptance.Â
âFine, should we stick to the same schedule that Yaga and I agreed to?â And Suguru takes a minute, leaning back in his chair, âwhat?âÂ
âI justâŠI didnât expect you to accept so readily,â he replies softly, choosing his words carefully, âin my email, I said you could take time to think about it or we could procure a different advisorââÂ
âProfessor,â the word sticks in his chest like a right dagger that barely misses his heart, âout of everyone who works in this department I know you are the only one who is capable of pushing me to be my best, even when I donât ask for it,â you add under your breath, âespecially when I donât ask for it,âÂ
A hollow chuckle is stuck in his throat, âIf youâre sure, itâs your choice,â and heâs looking for a few notes and edits he had written out for you for the schedule you sent along previously.Â
âIt is my choice,â you echo, your eyes meet his, as he looks up from the papers strewn about the desk, âand I choose this,â and he knows all too well what you mean by your deliberate choice of wordsâ and he did love you for your cutting tongue.Â
Even when it was used against him.Â
âIf you do, then can you choose to come to my old office?â And youâre blinking, brow furrowing â and his cheeks burn, âI left your schedule there â I had a few notes regarding my own schedule,âÂ
You raise an eyebrow, a flicker of a smart remark on the tip of your tongue that you seemingly swallow, as you gather the proposal into your bag, âletâs go,â
The walk over is in relative silence, the campus mostly quiet with the impending end of the semester at bay â as he forces his gaze forward, but that doesnât stop his traitorous eyes from sneaking glances all the same. Why was it that he was a lighthouse and his eyes were spotlights only made to find your ship on the dark waves of the sea.Â
And you stop in your tracks, a glance at your face doesnât give him the answer â but another face does.Â
âYuta?â And heâs holding your lunch bag â the same one you insisted on taking with you, refusing to spend more money on the overpriced lunch on campus. And the realization hits him all at once, and heâs suddenly toppling headfirst into the waves.Â
âYou forgot your lunch,â Yuta offers an awkward smile â and Suguruâs eyes find your face again, right before he goes under â the same soft look you gave him.Â
Used to give him.Â
And he lets the water overtake him.Â
~~~
âYou forgot your lunch,â
And you never thought a rushed morning would lead to the most awkward moment of your life. Yuta glances between you and Suguru, as you step forward to take your lunch from his hand, your fingers intertwining with his, as if to ground yourself.Â
âYuta, this is Professor Geto, he taught one of the classes I took and heâs taking over as my thesis advisor,â and youâre only lucky Suguru is able to tuck away emotions so easily, a polite smile on his lips as he offers his hand to Yuta, âthis is Yuta, my boyfriend,âÂ
You canât meet Suguruâs gaze as you say it â but you wonder what you would find â hurt, anger, or nothing at all? And you couldnât figure out which would hurt the most.Â
âItâs nice to meet you,â Suguru says, before shaking his hand, and Yuta nods.Â
âLikewise,â and Suguru turns to you, hands slipping into his pockets, while yours remained laced with Yutaâs â but how long ago would it had been intertwined in his? âOn second thought, Iâll email you my edits to your thesis schedule, Iâll leave you both to the rest of your day,â he gives a stiff smile, before heading on his way.Â
And he knew this was a future of his own making â the consequences of his own actions.Â
He gives a bitter chuckle. Consequentialism â the morality is centered around creating the right consequences â and wasnât it right? Right for you to be happy with someone your age? Right to be with someone who you can hold their hand and be with? Right to be with someone who can give you everything and anything you want?Â
âI understand the intention of consequentialism, but it just feels so pointless,â you had said while the two of you sat watching TV on the couch, your legs thrown over his lap, the comfortable warmth of your head resting on his shoulder.Â
âThatâs not where I thought your mind was,â Suguru had chuckled, pressing a kiss to your forehead, but still he indulged, âthe point is to get as much good as possible out of a decision correct? The most happiness?âÂ
Your brow remained furrowed, âBut the problem is the cost of it â it can come at the cost of your own happiness if itâs creating the right consequences,âÂ
âThatâs more utilitarianismââ and you shrug.Â
âI understand itâs more complicated, but I donât see the value in making decisions like that â doesnât it defeat the purpose because youâre doing it for the outcome â without considering your feelings or the others? Youâre nothing more than a happiness pump,âÂ
And as he sneaks a glance back, watching you and Yuta stand there still, fingers still intertwined, his fingers squeeze the handle of his bag, is that why it feels so wrong?Â
He arrived back at his office, fingers turning the knob and finding an empty tomb â the walls stripped down to the bare, a thick layer of dust that clung to the surfaces, the couch he had in the corner of the room likely relocated to another office â that he thought he had finally left behind. But here he was again â right back where he started.Â
He dragged his finger through the dust on his desk. Was he nothing more than a happiness pump? Giving himself pain for the sake of othersâ happiness â and was the outcome worth it? But heâs swallowing down his pain â a bitter consequence he had to take â because he knew â he would take any pain, if it meant you were happy.Â
And you were.Â
Right?Â
~~~
Yuta knew â he did even before he had started to date you. Or rather, he had suspected. But now he knew. Â
The first time he saw the two of you bump into each other, he knew because of the way Geto looked at you â and even the way you looked at him â the hurt flickering in your gaze, even when you refused to look at him.Â
Professor Geto has been much more than a professor to you â he was your boyfriend, the same one Yuta had envied for so many months. Only for him to be back in your life again. And he felt like he was right back to where he had started in your life again â a friend.Â
And there wasnât a thing wrong with being your friend â but now that he was more than one, he knew he only wanted even more of you â and to give more of himself. If you would let him.Â
But when your fingers curled around his, âboyfriendâ slipping from your lips, assuaged his anxiety for a moment, but as he watched your eyes find the back of Getoâs head after he left, it all came back.Â
Your fingers squeeze his, âThank you for bringing my lunch, Yu,â and it brings him back to the moment, and your face is so readable in this moment â as if to make up for the times he couldnât make sense of you â searching for an indication that he knew, an implication of his emotions, a question unspoken to ask if he knew.Â
And he did.Â
âOf course, baby,â he presses a kiss to your forehead, and he wants to tell you he does, wants to ask you why you hid it, why you felt you couldnât be honest, and why you look like youâre still as heartbroken as the day he ran into you outside this building, âI have to go, but Iâll see you later,â but he doesnât ask.Â
âYutaââ but heâs only pressing a sweet kiss to your lips, fingers cupping his cheek.Â
âI love you,â and your lips curl into a small smile.Â
âI love you too,â and it was enough, he thought, as his fingers parted from yours, and he turned to leave.Â
It was enough, for now. Â
~~~
How do you tell someone something they already know? You snuck glances at your own boyfriend after dinner, as the two of you settled in to watch something to unwind. The day had gone by as expected, but the crawling anxiety only grew as more time passed, the words wanting nothing more than to leave your mouth.Â
Why was it you when you had so much to say you couldnât say it? And now when you had to explain, no words could leave your lips?Â
God, how the fuck did you catch yourself in this mess? Your ex as your thesis advisor â was this karma for being unethical? A cruel consequence of the choices you made? Maybe fate? No, it wasnât fate. Things were better without Suguru in your life, simpler and easier. And you were happy â but now this, this just had the potential to ruin everything.Â
But only if you let it.Â
And the longer you went without discussing this, the more damage it would be. It was a secret you had chosen to keep â you didnât think it was pertinent, especially with Suguru in Kyoto. It was a detail you could spare, at least until after you graduated,Â
But now it couldnât wait.Â
It was a piano hanging by a string thatâs already snapped and it was on its last fibers, swinging back and forth, waiting to see whether you would push Yuta and yourself out of the way â or whether one or both of you would get crushed in the process.Â
The walk back to your apartment is an exercise in coping mechanisms to prevent panic or anxiety from settling fully into your skin, holding the string together with your arms seemingly, ready for it to tear you apart.Â
But it doesnât.Â
âI have to talk to you,â you say once you and Yuta are sitting on the couch, one leg tucked under the other to prevent you from shaking it, or running away for that matter, âitâs nothing bad â well, I mean itâs notââ you cut yourself off, shaking your head, âjust know I love you, and that hasnât changedââÂ
And his lips find yours, cutting off your frantic thoughts with a sweet kiss that only leaves you wanting more, but also leaves you with more questions than answers.Â
He pulls away, a small smile on his lips, âBreath â and you sigh, taking a breath, âand I love you too,â your fingers interlace with his, âwhat is it?âÂ
But you donât even know where to begin, except at the point, âYou know the ex that broke my heart before we dated?â And heâs nodding, âProfessor Geto isââÂ
âIs your ex,â he finishes, and you knew he had figured out, but you hadnât expected it to come out so matter-of-factly, âI had a feeling and this morning confirmed it,âÂ
âIâm sorry,â you shake your head, âafter he moved, I never thought he would move back, much less become my thesis advisor,â you bury your face in your hands, âand I donât want you to think I was hiding it. Itâs just with the relationship being taboo, I didnât thinkââÂ
âYou were trying to protect yourself and your ex, itâs understandable,â he squeezes your hand, âyou couldnât have expected this to happen,âÂ
And youâre lifting your gaze to his, âHow are you so calm? How are you soâŠokay?âÂ
He gives a sigh, âitâs hard, Iâm trying to stay rational for you â for us,â you lean against him, âwhat are you going to do? About your thesis?âÂ
âI think Iâll have to take Suguru as my advisor. I donât have much of a choice,â you bite your lip, âI could take another, but no other professor has the same specialization as Yaga, except Geto, and I know heâll give me good feedback,âÂ
âBut?â You rest your head in your hand.Â
âBut having to spend that much time with my ex? Having to work on something so important to my career with him? Having to put you through that?â you feel more lost than when you began this conversation, âI donât know what to do. I already agreed to it, but I think itâs only sinking in,â and you turn to him, âand then thereâs you,âÂ
âWhat about me?â and you shake your head.Â
âHow can I put you through watching me spending hours with my ex over the next semester?â And Yuta shakes your head.Â
âA decision important to your future shouldnât just be based on me, it should be about you,â and you purse your lips â another reason why Yuta was so sweet, as you lean against him, burying your face in the crook of his neck.Â
âI donât deserve you,â he chuckles, running his fingers through your hair, âIâll keep him as my advisor for now, but if you have a problem, please talk to me okay?â You lean back to look at him, âplease?âÂ
âOf course,â and his lips find yours in a sweet kiss, âand you always deserve me â because I chose you.â You kissed him, his arms curling around you, as you leaned into his touch â the one place that always felt safe.Â
And you didnât know that he just hoped â youâd choose him too.Â
~~~
Fuck. How was it you found yourself before Professor Getoâs door yet again?Â
Winter break had flown by and now you found yourself back in the office you thought you had left behind not so long ago. Even if it felt like forever. You had spent your time split between working on your thesis, with the edits to your outline that Suguru had provided you, and with Yuta â who was more endlessly understanding than you could have hoped to imagine. And even today, as you headed off to meet Suguru in his office, he had nothing but soothing words for your nerves, sweet kisses, and a promise for a good meal when you got home.Â
You hovered before the door of his office â no matter what had happened throughout these months, why did it always feel as if you always ended up here? Pulled against your will into a rotation around him â one that would have you stuck into a constant push and pull â and just when you had let go of his grip, you were pulled back in. And as your fist hovered next to the door, bracing to knock, you werenât sure if you were ready to fall back in.Â
But what you didnât know as you stood before the door was that the man behind it was more anxious about this meeting than you were.Â
~~~
âYouâre early,â Suguru glances up from his paperwork, his top of his pen pressed to the seam of his lips, âfor once,âÂ
Suguru himself had nearly been late this morning â ever the hypocrite, he supposed. He could barely sleep the night before, spent catching up on the work piled up for two department heads while the Kyoto campus makes potential temporary candidates jump through hoops. And then there was the other reason, his meeting with you â and all the complicated feelings he didnât wish to entangle himself in. And yet he always fell deeper into your web, as if he didnât willingly ensnare himself to begin with.Â
He didnât even know Yaga was sick, but he had seen the change in him. The subtle differences in his demeanor, the bags around his eyes, and the creeping slowness that came with illness. But it still hit like a gut punch to hear it from his mouth, and for him to ask to take over duties for him was a double edged blade of honor and complication.Â
Yaga had given him the option to turn it down: to keep managing everything from Kyoto â but he accepted anyway â accepted because he knew that youâd be out of a thesis advisor. And he would be left unable to help from Kyoto with the in person role an advisor played.Â
And so he was here.Â
When he finally had gotten to lay down, eyes fixed on the familiar ceiling fan again â as he had managed to get his old apartment back by some miracle â and he hates how this place is a husk of itself without you here. But even with you here before him, his eyes snuck at glance at you, it somehow was worse being with you â when he was nothing to you. He could bear to not be your lover, but he couldnât bear the weight of your hatred, or worse, your indifference.Â
You cross your arms, your laptop bag draped on your shoulder, âYouâll never let that go until one of us is dead will you?âÂ
âThatâs assuming we wouldnât haunt the other,â he replies without missing a beat, as you take a seat across from him, eyes taking in his office. The same set up from before, if not a little less ostentatious and obnoxious â a few missing pictures and awards tucked away, the missing luxury sofa, and the lack of leather bound books lining shelves, instead minimally decorated with a few select titles â including What Do We Owe Each Other, prominently displayed.Â
âI have better things to do than haunt you,â you scoff, pulling out your laptop from your bag, âdid you forget to finish unpacking?â And he doesnât offer even a look up at your remark.Â
âNo, just decided to take a certain personâs advice and try to take a less pretentious approach to my office,â his lips curled in that damnable wry smile of his, âplus not everything has been sent back from Kyoto yet,â and he leans forward, plucking your revised thesis outline from the neat piles lined up on his desk, âbut my office decor isnât why weâre here,â he flips through his notes on your draft, âthe outline is in good shape, have you started on your draft?âÂ
You pull a stapled stack out to slide to him, âI have fleshed out some of my main points and I wanted your thoughts before I dove further,â and he takes it before scanning through it, silent as he peruses the contents.Â
His eyes flit up, âYou didnât have to wait for my approvalââÂ
âI know, but I value your opinion,â you grumble, eyes averted as you admit it, a graze of your teeth against the bottom of your lip. It draws a small smile from him, hidden away behind his closed fist pressed to his lips, âas my advisor,â you add, and he nods.Â
The meeting finished up with much else, as you slide your laptop and things back into your bag. And for the first time your eyes meet his.Â
âHave you been sleeping okay?â and heâs blinking a moment, as you continue, âyou look tired. You should sleep more instead of working,â
He furrows his brow, âI am sleeââÂ
âYou have bags under your eyes, Professor,â you roll your eyes, âlisten or donât, but I rather my thesis isnât re-assigned last minute because you ran yourself into the ground,â you say before turning to leave.Â
âI expect your next draft by the beginning of the next week,â and you pause, the click of the knob as you pull the door open.Â
âIâll have it to you by the end of the week.â And youâre gone, door shutting behind you, and he leans back in his chair, a smile that he canât quite hide on his lips.Â
Maybe he wasnât quite nothing to you after all.Â
~~~
âIâm home, baby,â you say, as you walk in, the burden of the day still in the process of sliding off your back as you passed through the threshold of your apartment. You stripped yourself of your cost and your shoes, hanging your bag up, âYu?âÂ
You checked your phone with no text or call from him â he said he would be at your place, and thatâs when you spot a familiar mop of black hair from the couch. Your lips curl as you round the couch, only to find him fast asleep, his work spread out around him. His first day back seemed as stressful as yours, and yet he hadnât complained.Â
His bags were dark â a product of a bad nightâs sleep â a running trend for today seemingly. You ran your fingers through his hair gently, knowing he wouldnât wake simply by that, but you heard the quiet mumble of words you couldnât catch. You glanced at the kitchen and found dinner prepped but not made. You smile softly, as you take the throw blanket and gently spread it over him, before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead, and then rising to your feet.Â
Youâre almost done cooking curry when Yuta stirs, the smell of the stewing beef and spices waking him, as he lifts his head, back of his hand rubbing his eye, while he glances at you with the other.Â
âHey sleeping beauty,â your lips curl, doing a bad job of stifling your chuckle at the sight of his black hair askew, âdinner is almost ready,âÂ
âDinner? When did you getââ and he picks up his phone to check the time, a small groan stuck in his throat, âwhy didnât you wake me when you got home?âÂ
âI would have,â you wipe off your hands, as you make your way to the living room, as Yuta swings his legs off the couch, scrubbing a hand down his face, âbut youâre so cute when youâre sleeping,â and his cheeks flush an ever so subtle pink â even after this time together, it was so easy to fluster him, âplus, it looked like you needed it,âÂ
Your hand brushes his cheek, and heâs leaning into your touch, your other hand running fingers through his hair to straighten it out, âI did,â he mumbles, âit was a long day,âÂ
âWant to talk about it over some rice and curry?â and he bites his lip, before he leans in to press a sweet kiss to you, delighting in the desperate look he gives you when you drag your tongue teasingly against the seam of his lips only to pull away, âdonât pout,â you drag your thumb down his lips, âIâll kiss you plenty after dinner,âÂ
âPromise?â And you drag him to his feet and heâs walking to the bathroom as youâre opening cabinets to take plates out, only for his arms to wrap around your middle, pressing his face into the crook of your neck.Â
You chuckle, biting back the shiver that runs up your spine at the warmth of his touch, âwhatâs that for?âÂ
âThank you,â he murmurs, meeting your gaze with umbra eyes that has you lost in the only inky black sky you craved.Â
âOf course, Yu,â you murmur before his lips find yours again, and you just wished you could live in this moment, as he parted from your lips only to press another kiss to your cheek, but you supposed you couldâÂ
âFor now at least.Â
âSheâs what?â Maki stares at Yuta as he rubs the back of his head, her words nearly ringing out in the empty conference room, âsheâs spending a bunch of time with her ex and youâre ok with it?âÂ
Yuta has made a mistake â the mistake of being twenty minutes early to this student government meeting only to find Maki here alone, scrolling on her phone. Her eyes flitting up only for her to tilt her head and bark:Â
âOi, what is it now?â And Yuta didnât know if he liked being so seen by her.Â
Especially now that he was being judged for his decisions â or rather, raked over the coals for them.Â
Yuta purses his lips, âIâm not exactly okay with it, but I donât know what to do. She has to work on her project with him â I guess, how could I object?â And how could he? Your omission made sense, you were only trying to protect your reputationâ and your exâs by extension. But it didnât make it sting any less.Â
âDoesnât she have another choice? Couldnât she work with someone else?â Maki crosses her arms, eyes narrowed, as if she can detect the holes in his lies by pure reflex, âarenât you worried sheâll go back to him?â And voices every worry almost if sheâs ripped it from his mind itself.
âI am, she does have other choices, but I couldnât be the one to make her choices for herââÂ
âBut you couldnât tell her how you felt about it?â Maki shakes her head, pinching the bridge of her nose as if this conversation is giving her a headache â or more likely, heâs giving her a headache, âhow do you feel?âÂ
Yuta chews his lip, leaning on his arm on the table, âI donât know, I understand itâs just a project â itâs something for her future â I donât want to make things more complicated for us,â he mumbles.Â
âYou mean for herâand for your relationship,â Maki crosses her arms, tilting her head, âYuta, if you canât be honest with her, whatâs the point of this relationship?â And people start to file into the room for the meeting, so she hisses in a whisper, âyou need to figure out what you want â and how to tell her how youâre feeling because itâs going to eat you alive or drive her into her exâs arms â either way, you wonât be in this relationship,âÂ
And on that bleak note, she gets to her feet to corral everyone into their seats, leaving him to simmer in her words. His phone lighting up nearly on cue with a text from youâÂ
Canât make the meeting this week, babe â Geto rescheduled my meeting with him this week for now, so Iâm headed thereÂ
A hint of irritation pricks at him â it had to be today, during the only time that they had together at school?Â
Another message comes through.Â
Iâll see you at your place after the meeting - love you đ
He locks his phone, tucking it away in his pocket â as Maki starts the meeting.Â
It was fine â he would see you at home. It didnât matter â Geto had only these meetings, Yuta had much more of you. It was fine.Â
He forced his gaze forward, a gnawing dread in his stomach. Right?Â
âWhat do you mean it was expected?âÂ
You were starting to remember the reason why you hated this man so vehemently when you first met him. His nearly smug expression made you want to leap across the desk and strangle him â though you knew the consequences of that action wouldnât turn out well for you â nor the proximity for that matter, âwhat I wroteââÂ
âIs what others have written in papers time and time again,â he cuts you off, and you slump back in your chair, as you flip through the red inked comments he had so thoughtfully ripped apart your first few pages â the precise cuts and slashes enough for red ink to look like blood, âyour thesis needs to be a unique takeââÂ
âAnd now it isnât unique enough?â you grumble, crossing your arms, as your cheeks burn, âsoon youâll be saying Iâm rambling again,âÂ
âNo, I was able to rid you of that habit a while ago,â you glare at him, a smile pulling at the corner of his lips, âI would be concerned if you started to regress,âÂ
âWell, at least it would only be academically,â the words spit like venom from your mouth without a thought, but the hurt that flickers across his face is one that seemingly has too much thought behind it, âsorry, that was inappropriate,âÂ
âItâs fine,â the hurt is gone from his expression, as unreadable as it always was, âto get back to our discussion, I know you want this paper to be published by journals, and in order to do that, you need to have a perspective that hasnât been explored beforeâat least not fully. Your outline reflects that, but your paper is regurgitating ideas that youâve read,â heâs handing you a list of papers and books, with some noted passages, âread some of these materials, it might help give you some ideas to rework your paper,â and then he adds, âand you knew Iâd say this,âÂ
You knit your brow together, âWhat?âÂ
He leans against his arm propped against the top of his desk, âWhy else would you want me to see if you were going in the right direction? You always have an idea what you want to write, of where you want your paper to go â and you never wanted my greenlight for a long time now,âÂ
You hate how he can still see right through you â you hate how easily he can pinpoint your problem without you uttering a helpful word. Even before, it always felt as if he was the only one who saw you, without you having to explain a single thing.Â
âYouâre right,â and he hated how right he was, âI wasnât sure where I was going,â this thesis had been weighing on your mind day and night, pricking at your nerves each time you stared at the blinking cursor of the document, âI still donât,âÂ
Suguru murmurs your name softly, his gaze as gentle as it always has been for you, a part of you hoped â only for you, âAs Iâve always said, the only reason why I push you is because I know you can do more. This thesis would be outstanding for many scholars, but I know you can do more,â he tilts his head, small smile on his lips, âand I know you still can,âÂ
âWhat if I canât?â The question slips out before you can even think it, and he raises an eyebrow.Â
âThere is no âwhat if,â I know you can do it,â and you bite your lip, âi donât have any doubts,âÂ
âNot even one?â You reply, an eyebrow quirked.Â
âNot when it comes to you,â and he said just what you wanted to hear, but you hated it all the more â because how did he know you so well? How did he know you so well and yet not know to talk to you before breaking your heart?Â
But it didnât matter now. And you couldnât trudge up these feelings now, or maybe ever.Â
âIâll read these materials and rework it,â and you begin to collect your things all the while, getting to your feet.Â
âGood,â and you catch sight of his smile in the reflection of your phone, âitâs what you owe yourself.âÂ
And your eyes meet his for a moment, so why couldnât he give you what he owed you before?Â
âThank you, Professor.âÂ
âIâm back,â you call out in Yutaâs apartment, tucking your keys away into your bag, as you slip your shoes off and shrugging off your jacket, but you hear nothing in response, âYuta?â But not a sound â no quiet voices of the TV, the clatter of dishes and utensils in the kitchen, and no sign of him in the bedroom either.Â
You check your phone, as you sit on the edge of the bed, creaking under your weight, and you see his text: sorry baby, Maki took the group out for dinner after, youâre free to join us. And the address is sent underneath.Â
But the text was well over twenty minutes ago, and it would take you longer to get there â which meant dinner would nearly be over. You laid back on his bed on your side, typing a reply.Â
Sorry Yu, just saw this :(. Iâll come next time. Iâll make something up fast and probably lie down. Iâll see you at home.Â
You curl up on the bed, placing your phone down with a sigh, eyes fluttering shut. Your nose turned into his sheets, Yutaâs scent flooding your senses, and you could nearly feel his arms around you. Almost.Â
God, you missed him â especially you two just kept missing each other like this â and it made it all the more important you stayed awake.Â
Your eyes flutter open, the sweet siren of sleep growing all the more tempting, a late lunch sitting like stones in your stomach and the need for the sandmanâs relief growing headier.Â
And before you knew it, your legs were tucked under the comforter and your eyes succumbed to their own weight.Â
Your soft breaths filled the silence of the apartment, and even as Yuta came in an hour or so later, only to find you sprawled out messily in his bed, phone still in your hand, did he chuckle. His hands are gentle as he guides you into a normal position for sleep that wouldnât fuck over your back, putting your phone on charge, and pressing a kiss to your forehead.Â
And as he leaves the room to shower, not hearing the quiet murmur of his name leaving your lips.Â
âYou have to try a little,â youâre nearly waving your ice cream cone in front of Yutaâs face, soft serve dripping onto the pavement, and the soft pink swirl threatening to topple over in front of your eyes, but the risk of losing your beloved ice cream was not as important as advocating for it, âcâmon itâs so goodââÂ
âBaby, the ice cream is supposed to be your treat for all the progress youâve made on your thesis, not a taste test, and I have my own flavorââ but as the ice cream hovers in front of his face, Yuta tastes it â the subtle sakura flavor lingering on his tongue, âitâs good,â he concedes, âbut not as good as my matcha,âÂ
It had been a lot to tear you away from your work â it had been weeks in the making of trying to get you to take a break that wasnât you falling asleep on the couch with your laptop and notes strewn about or a mindless TV break. And the times you both were supposed to have together often ended with one of you being busy or falling asleep. He barely remembered the last time the two of you had spent together that didnât involve takeout or the couch.Â
You pout, âSakura is so much better,â you grumble, licking at your ice cream, trying to stem the excess melting off the sides of your waffle cone, and he chuckles, as a little of your ice cream sticks to your nose.Â
âMore for you then right?â heâs pulling a tissue out to wipe your nose and lips before kissing them, âMm, itâs sweeter on your lips,â and he knows your cheeks are burning as you avert your eyes, biting your lip.
âYouâre the worst,â and he laughs, as he wraps his arm around your middle, âbut Iâll say youâre right about today. This date was definitely needed,â you lean into his touch, still working on your ice cream, âIâm sorry Iâve been so busy,âÂ
âYou donât have to apologize, itâs not just you thatâs busyââÂ
âI know, but itâs mostly been me,â your eyes find his, and he wavers under your glance, âI know we havenât had a lot of time together, and I promise, itâs only going to last a little longer, once Iâm done with my thesis Iâm all yours,âÂ
And itâs hard for him to believe that â but he tries, because he knows you are.Â
âI know,â he presses a kiss to your forehead, âIâm just glad we got to do this today, I just feel like we keep missing each other, and it justâŠitâs been bothering me,âÂ
And you kiss his jaw, before softly smiling, âYouâre not alone,â and his lips find yours again, and again, ice cream starting to run down his fingers and palm, but he could care less about anything else but you at this moment, âYouâre gonna make me drop my ice cream,âÂ
âIâll buy you another,â and you laugh, kissing him this time, and he melts just like the ice cream into your grasp, your arms wrapped around him tight, ânow whoâs making our ice cream melt?âÂ
âYou said youâd buy me another anyway,â you nuzzle his neck, âplus I have to leave space to eat you up later,â and you giggle as his cheeks burn, âyou blush so easily still, thought you would be used to my teasing by now,âÂ
âDonât think Iâll ever get used to it, still feels like a dream,â you pinch his cheek in reply, a smirk on your lips, as you kiss the skin that you pinched.Â
âNow, itâs not a dream, is it?â And right as your lips were about to meet his againâ
RING. RING. RING.Â
Your brow furrows as you ignore it at first, before a sigh catches in your throat, âhold onââ you check your messages, your brow furrowing, âfuck,â you swear under your breath.Â
âWhatâs wrong?â And youâre tossing your ice cream in a nearby trash can, wiping your hand with one of the tissues the ice cream place had handed you, before texting back.Â
âGeto wants to meet today about my thesis. Apparently some departmental meetings got pushed around, and today is the only day he can meet in personââÂ
âDo you have toââ and youâre shaking your head in exasperation, burying your face in your hands.Â
âI have no choice. Itâs the only time until a week and half from now, and I canât wait to get this feedback, otherwise it will throw off my entire scheduleââÂ
âBut this is the only time we can meet,â he cuts you off, voice catching on the words, as his tongue is caught between holding it and wagging it, âI miss you, baby, we havenât seen each other in weeks because of our schedules, because of your thesisââ because of him, âwhen will our relationship take priority? When will I be important enough to matter?âÂ
âYuta,â your voice breaks, âof course you matter to meââ and your phone vibrates again, cutting you off, and he takes a beat and a breath. He swallows thickly, this wasnât the right time for this.Â
But when would it be?Â
âGo,â he says, and your eyebrows knit together, lips parting to refuse, âIâm okay, really. Weâll talk when you get home,â but heâs stepping towards you, as he presses a kiss to your forehead, âpromise, weâre ok. Just go. Iâll call you.âÂ
âYou sure?â He wasnât. He wasnât sure if he should let you go or stand his ground â but, his fingers cupped your cheek, and kissed your lips â but he was sure that he loved you.Â
âIâm sure,â and he wanted what was best for you â and he watches you leave after you say your farewells â even if it wasnât best for him.Â
You shouldnât have agreed to this.Â
Agreed to take this meeting over your date. Agreed to meet in the lecture hall instead of his office. Agreed to have him as your thesis advisor. Agreed to even take a course with him to begin with. You were several steps too close to regret being born, but your real mistake was ever pursuing this man to begin with.Â
That was your mistake â and now you are reaping what you sow.Â
Literally.Â
âYour lecture was compelling â I have so much to learn from you,â you stood outside his lecture hall as students filed out quicker than usual, without the typical quorum that formed after every one of his classes â only to find the reason that a single person commanded his attention, âI didnât realize how wonderfully interesting philosophy could be as a topic,â her voice already grates on your ears, the elongated syllables of her words nearly enough for you to roll your eyes into the back of your head so far that you were they would get stuck.Â
âItâs a fine line between interesting and dry, Iâm glad I could walk it for you, Mei Mei,â and you could hear the smile in his tone, the saccharine sweetness enough for you to choke on and die of excess sugar, but unfortunately you donât, so you have to hear the rest of this conversation.Â
âIâm so glad I took Satoruâs advice to see your lecture, it was definitely eye opening,â and you furrow your brow, âheâs been asking me about you â he told me if I stopped by to have you call him,âÂ
You purse your lips â Satoru?Â
A sigh in his voice as he speaks âHe sent a real messenger this time? I get his texts, I have been really busy with my dutiesââÂ
âYou know what they say â about all work and no play?â You hear the click of heels against the floor, as she assuredly steps closer, âmaybe I can help you with the playââÂ
You knock on the door then, hand possessed, as you spot the woman with whom the voice belonged â her long silver locks tied into a braid that hung past her shoulders, her dark eyes finding yours and brow arched in curiosity, and wine stained lips curled.Â
âProfessor, Iâm sorry to interrupt, but our meeting?â Your voice was laced with irritation you didn't intend to have, âI have a class after this, so unless youâd like to reschedule?âÂ
Suguruâs lips part, only for Mei Mei to speak first, âIâm sorry about that â thatâs my fault â old friends you know?â Her head tilts, as if to say, no, I know you donât know, âand you are one of Suguruâs little students?âÂ
âIâm his former T.A. and he is my thesis advisor,â and his girlfriend, you want to add â ex girlfriend, rather, but the words are as taboo as your feelings are, âIâm sure Professor Geto wouldnât mind speaking to you after our meeting if you could wait,âÂ
And again Suguru opens his mouth to speak, but she cuts him off again, âOh I wouldnât mind waiting at all, not for him,â she walks past, âIâll wait for you in your office, Suguru,â and you have to force your expression to be neutral, a knot in your gut, and a fist clenched and hidden around the handle of your bag, âIâll make myself comfortable,âÂ
The lecture hall door closes behind her, the click of the door brings silence between the two of you, âI apologize ifââÂ
âNo, I should be sorry for interrupting,â you cut him off, your throat tied into knots, a distinct dull ache in your chest that surely shouldnât belong to you â not after all of this, âI should have just rescheduledââÂ
âNo, Iâm glad you interrupted,â he says, âwe have an appointment and she really is only aââÂ
âYou donât owe me an explanation, Professor,â and the title seems to cut this time, slicing through his mask, fraying his calm demeanor and leaving behind a deep frown, âitâs your business, not mine,â not anymore.Â
His mouth opens and close, before he speaks, âMaybe not as a professor,â he says softly, taking a step forward, âbut I think I do as yourââÂ
âIâm not âyourâ anythingââ you interrupt him, taking a step back, âIâm only a student, and your advisee, nothing else, Professor Geto,â youâre turning to leave, âletâs reschedule after all, I have somewhere to be,âÂ
You had to be somewhere that wasnât here â here with dredged up emotions that had no right belonging to you. Ones that you thought you had moved past, ones that shouldnât hurt you the way they do now, and ones that you donât know how to stop from spilling from your lips.Â
âYouâre not justââ
âDid you hear that she would wait for you?â you donât turn to look back at him, âI wish you could have done the same,â you give him a second, one second longer than he gave you when he broke up with you, to reply, but he says nothing, âIâll email you a few times to meet next week, just send me any edits you have on my pages.âÂ
The door clicks behind you as you leave the classroom behind, wondering if you had ever rid yourself of your feelings, or if you had simply buried itâÂ
And now, you are starting to unearth it â and your world may crumble underneath you along with it.Â
There was something wrong with him.Â
But there always was â when it came to you.Â
Suguru stared at the email you had sent later that week, opting to skip the in person meeting again for the third week in a row. The semester was over half over â and now the other department head had started in Kyoto, so he had a little more free time â and yet he couldnât use it to help you, at least not really.Â
Your thesis was shaping up â you were on the right track now, and he knew your paper would need little edits before being submitted for peer review. And when it did, a journal would be lucky to publish it. By that standard, he could take a more hands off approach â but he never wanted to be hands off, not with you.Â
He wanted nothing more than to take you into his arms, fingers trace the curve of your cheek as heâs done countless times before, and press a kiss to those lips that consume his consciousness.Â
But he couldnât.Â
Not when he was the one who had broken your heart, when you had managed to piece it back together, and when you had found happiness with someone else.Â
Something he wasnât sure he could ever do.Â
Mei Mei was an unforeseen complication â a donor that made some generous investments in the university â trivial with the amount of wealth she possessed, mostly due to Satoruâs convincing. And Satoru was the reason she had decided to sit in on his class â and he was stuck entertaining her, while his best friend was away on his sabbatical. And he couldnât resist an opportunity to fuck with him while he was away â his apparent revenge after Suguru had avoided his texts.Â
And your reaction wasânot what he expected. He pursed his lips, you were jealous right? Thatâs what you seemed to imply with your words â as if Mei Mei was a friend he would be interested in. The pot calling the kettle black â when you were the one to move on first. A sigh caught in his throat, not that he had any right to complain. Not when it was his fault. Â
But when the only person he was truly in love with was in front of him â the pain in your gaze as fresh as it was the day he had broken up with you â it was hard to hold back, especially when he wanted nothing more than toâ
And then there was a knock at his door, âitâs me,â your voice came through the wood, his eyes sliding to the time, it was late into the evening, âcan I come in?âÂ
âYes, come in,âÂ
âI apologize, I just had a few questions I wasnât able to ask over email, and since I was on campus, I thoughtââÂ
He shakes his head, your rambles still as endearing as they always were â though you had kicked the habit in your papers, you couldnât help but ramble in the way you spoke, âNo need to explain, what can I help you with?âÂ
You lean back, hands folded in your lap, âDo you remember when we discussed the concept of a happiness pump as a criticism of utilitarianism?âÂ
âYes, in class, we discussed it â the idea of someone who will do anything to make others happy, even if it makes them miserable,â he tilts his head, as he leans back in his chair, eyes betraying him as he watches your dress ride up ever so slightly as you cross your legs â he forces his gaze to your face, âdo you plan on using it in your thesisââÂ
Your eyes could cut stone with its biting glare, âNo, I donât, I wanted to talk about it in context of why you broke up with me â do you plan on being a happiness pump for the rest of your life? Or is that simply for me?âÂ
His mind moves slowly as his words do, âwhatââÂ
âBecause itâs only for me, itâs flattering â if itâs what you do for everyone, well, itâs just exhausting,â you scoff, twirling a strand of your hair with your finger, âespecially when your idea of what will make others happy is so misled,âÂ
âAnd howâs that?â He says through gritted teeth.Â
And youâre rising from your chair, âYou think my happiness means to make yourself miserable, when it does nothing more than make me unhappy,â youâre rounding the desk, fingertips dragging over the edge of the surface, âdo you want to spend the rest of your life miserable? Do you think that girlfriend of yours will make you happy?âÂ
âSheâs notââ and your heels clicking against the wood cuts him off.Â
And youâre only drawing closer and closer, and he canât bring himself to speak â words caught in his throat because he knew anything he uttered would break this spell, and he wanted nothing more than to succumb, âpumped full of unhappiness when it could very well be the oppositeââ and your hand is sliding up his chest, toying with the top buttons of his button-up, lips ghosting his ear as you whisper, âwhen you know I know exactly how to pump you, donât I?âÂ
âSweetheart, please, we canâtââ and your fingers finding the buckle of his belt, a gasp lodged in his throat, as your hand grazes his tenting bulge, twitching against your thumb as it runs over the clothed tip, âfuckââÂ
âWe could be so happy, like before,â your lips brush against his, and he crumbles under your touch â his resistance crumbles like a statue made to wait, and god, heâs waited so long for this â too long.Â
His lips find yours in a bruising kiss, the way heâs wanted to since he had watched you leave that day â the way he should have, the way he should have grabbed your hand and stopped you, pulled you into his arms, and never let you go.Â
And he never would again.Â
BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ.Â
Suguru jolts awake at the sound of his phone, a paper stuck to his face, drool sticky at the corner of his mouth. He tugs the paper away, rubbing his eyes, as his heart slowly retracts from his throat.Â
A dream. He runs his fingers through his hair, leaning back in his chair, what the fuck was he doing? Sleeping at his desk again accompanied by wet dreams of you â he thought he had grown from this. But you always sent him right back where he started, his eyes falling to the bulge in his pants. He ignores it, gathering his things and tracing the edge of his desk as he rounded it to leave his office. He took a look over his shoulder at his office that he spent so much time with, he was sure of one thing â he flicked off the light â you would be the one to haunt him.Â
For the rest of his days.Â
âBaby, arenât you gonna get up now?â Yuta murmurs in your ear, pressing sweet kisses to the skin behind it, fingers resting against the nape of your neck, âyou said you have to practice for your thesis presentation,âÂ
You mumbled, burying your face in his neck, as the two of you lie entangled on the couch for your mid afternoon Saturday nap, âa few more minutes,âÂ
The semester had been going by far too quick, days slipping into weeks, and now there was just over a month left in the semester. And soon youâd be graduating â his fingers raked gently through your hair â and he didnât exactly know what that meant for the two of you.Â
He still has a year left in his program, and you were going to be moving on â though you werenât sure exactly where. And he would be here â but what then? Would it be a long distance relationship ? Would you look for opportunities here? Or would it be something else?Â
He didnât want to think about other possibilities.Â
So many of his friends had warned him not to date while in grad school â that it would only end in heartbreak, and the more significant fact that it would always end. Your face nuzzled into his neck, warm breath still warming his skin, as he pressed a kiss to the top of your head â and he never wanted to be apart, not from you.Â
âBaby,â you mumble, âwhat time is it?â And he canât help but smile at you, as he reaches for his phone.Â
âItâs almost four-thirty,â and you groan softly, wrapping your arms around him tighter, âyou still have time before you have to go practice donât you?âÂ
âNo, I reserved the classroom until seven, if I donât go now, I wonât have enough time to practice,â you kiss his neck, âI have to get as much practice in this month before doing my defense,â You untangle your limbs from his and haul yourself to your feet, his body already mourning the absence of your heat. He watches you make your way to the bedroom to change, the door still open as you strip your shirt off.
His gaze admires you as you do, shifting to sitting up, his chin leaning against the back of the couch, âWhen is your defense again?âÂ
âItâs in three weeks,â you sigh, as you tug a shirt over your head, âIâm so nervous, I have to start practicing now or Iâll drive myself insane,â and youâre stripping off your shorts in exchange for some jeans, âmy advisor, many of my professors, students from the department, and maybe some undergrads might attend,â you turn, as you finish changing, catching his admiring gaze with a slight smirk, âand unlike you, they wonât just be interested in staring at me,âÂ
âI think some of them definitely will,â he smiles, and you walk over, leaning down to press a sweet kiss to his lips, âat least, Iâll be, if you let me,âÂ
Your lips curl, âOh yeah? I think Iâll be distracted if you keep giving me this puppy dog look, baby,â you kiss his nose, âmight make me walk over in the middle of the defense and kiss you,âÂ
A soft chuckle leaves his throat, âThat would cause a scene, but I could also be some moral support â a friendly face,âÂ
âMore than friendly, youâre selling yourself short, Yu,â you kiss him again, and he can taste the lingering salt and butter of the popcorn you two had ate earlier during your afternoon movie turned nap time, âbut I think having you there would make me more nervous, so is it okay if we just have dinner to celebrate or cheer me up after?âÂ
His brows knit together, âYou donât want me there?â but Geto gets to be there? The unspoken feelings he canât find in him to voice, the words lodged in his chest, ricocheting off his ribs if only to free themselves from his anxious heart to spill from his lips â but they donât.Â
âI do, Yu, of course, but I think having you there will just make me more nervous, Iâll just keep looking at you instead of addressing the whole audience, andâŠâ you bite your lip, âwith Professor Geto already having to be there, I think I would spend the whole time worrying about the two of you together than about my defense,âÂ
And his heart sinks â your ex gets to be there, but he doesnât? At one of your most important moments? He knows logically the only reason you ask because you canât ask Geto â but it doesnât hurt any less. Does he always have to be the nice one? The mature one? Couldnât he argue with you?
No, but he could ask.Â
âDo you think Iâll make a scene or that heâllââ and youâre shaking your head, your fingers cupping his cheek.Â
âOf course not. I know you would do nothing but support me, but still forcing you two of be in the room together,â you press a kiss to his forehead, âeven if you say itâs okay, I know itâs still hard,â his lips part, but you add, âand it would be awkward for me too. And I canât do anything about Geto, but I can ask you,âÂ
You could always ask him. He would do anything for you â but did his feelings matter as much to you?Â
âOf course, I understand,â your lips curl, and youâre pulling him into a hug, you rake your fingers through his hair.Â
âAre you sure?â You murmur, pressing your forehead to his, âyou can tell me if youâre not okay with it,âÂ
He could tell you that heâs not â he could tell you that itâs important for him to come, for everyone to see that he was important to you, for him to see that he was important. But it wasnât about him. This was your defense, shouldnât you have a right to have who you want there?Â
Even if it wasnât him.Â
âItâs fine baby, I just want to support you,â he kisses your lips, âbut Iâll plan something special for after you pass your defense â because I know you will,âÂ
You kiss him again, softer and fuller this time, as your fingers run down his cheek, âYou donât have to plan anything â I just want you, and maybe some food,â and he chuckles, as you place butterfly kisses all over his face, âI love you,âÂ
And he knew you did â you loved him â and that was enough, right?Â
âI love you too,â and youâre pulling away, as you pull on your shoes and grab your bag.Â
âIâll be home by eight, should I grab dinner?â and he leans back on the couch, nodding, âIâll see you when I get home okay?â
And he was the one you always came home to â the one you wanted to come home to â and that was enough.Â
âSee you soon, baby.âÂ
For now.Â
You enter the lecture hall, the door closing behind you with a click that rings in the silence.Â
Of course.Â
Of course you ended up with the lecture hall you had with Suguruâs class. You round the podium at the bottom, and give a terse chuckle, how had it been so long but so little time? How many days had you watched him lecture here â only to end up falling for him after? Even despite how much you hated him â it was so easy.Â
And still so hard.Â
You set up your phone to record yourself, if only so you could fine tune your presentation, and see any spots that you struggle. You prop it up, making sure itâs framed correctly on the desk directly in front of you. You run through your presentation once, noting spots for improvements or thoughts for potential questions people could pose during your defense.Â
You flipped through a few pages of your notes â wondering how this semester had flown by.Â
The rest of your thesis was completed over email â brief email exchanges and your thoughts exchanged through notes scrawled on the pages he scanned to you. It was better this way â you didnât have to see him. You didnât have to see the smile on his lips that you didnât put there, a stray lipstick mark on his collar that you didnât stain, or the happiness in his voice that you didnât cause.Â
No, you didnât need to see that.Â
But you didnât know why.Â
Why did the idea of him moving on irk you when you had already moved on? You werenât vindictive â your fingers drumming against the podium â you wanted him to be happy, to find someone who made him happy â maybe in all the ways you couldnât. But the stubborn thought remained â the same one that kept you up crying every night after he broke your heart and haunted you even in your happiest of nights â that he could have had it all with you â but he didnât. And now here you both were, fake smiles plastered in front of each other whenever your paths crossed, as if those lips hadnât murmured âI love youâ before in the quiet of the night.Â
But why did it matter? You were happy with Yuta, you had moved on, and yet â when you saw Suguru with her, it felt as if the stitches holding your heart together had come undone, and you were back â right where you started.Â
But it didnât matter. Either way the thesis was complete, and now all that was left in front of you was the defense, then you would be done â with this project, with your degree, and with Suguru.Â
But would you ever be done with him?Â
There was a knock at the door, and you turn only to find Suguru leaning against the frame, âSorry to interrupt,âÂ
Apparently you would never be.Â
Your shock lasts a moment, before your eyes flicker back to your stack of papers, âDo you need something?â The question comes more bitingly than you intended, but you donât bother to gauge his reaction, focusing on mindlessly rifling through your presentation.Â
âI forgot my notes for tomorrowâs class,â he says, quiet steps ringing in the silence of the lecture hall, âdidnât mean to interrupt,â and youâre gathering your notes, catching a glimpse before you step back from the podium, âare you practicing for your defense?â
âI am,â your answer is as terse as your emails, eyes fixed anywhere but where Suguru stood, as he pulled his file from one of the shelves inside the podium.Â
âDo you need any help?â He asks, and you almost want to ask: âhavenât you helped me enough?â But you donât, only shaking your head in reply. The silence drags on for far too long, âcan we talk?âÂ
Your muscles tense, a bow drawn taut for an argument, but you would draw blood first, âWhat is there to talk about, ProfessorââÂ
His calm facade cracks, irritation seeping in like poison through the fractures,âYou donât need to call me thatââÂ
âI do,â you cut him off, âbecause thatâs what you are. My professor. Nothing more,â and itâs a line in the sand youâve drawn since youâve met again, one he hasnât dared to toe, much less cross, until now.Â
His voice is broken, âWe were so much more,â yes, you both were. He was everything to you as you were to him â but that was before. And this was now.Â
âOperative words are key, Professor â âwereâ is past tense,âÂ
âBut weâre here now, arenât we? How long are we going to avoid discussing this?âÂ
You scoff, âam I the one who avoided it? Do I have to discuss it now on your terms â when you didnât even give me a chance to make my own decisions before?â Your fingers curl into fists, âyou broke me, you broke me and now you come back wanting to talk as if you didnât do the breaking to begin with? You donât get to come back when Iâm fixed,â the bottled emotions burst at the seams of its lid, the contents more vile than when they were placed inside, resentment fermented into rage.Â
âI know,â he says softly, âIâm not trying to come back, not if thatâs what you donât want. Iâm sorry I hurt you. Iâm sorry I left you. I thought it was the best for youââÂ
âBecause you know better than I do?â You give a bitter chuckle, âdo you know infantilizing it is to have someone make your decisions for you? I know what I wanted, Suguru, and I would have chosen you, every timeââ
âThat was the problem,â he cuts you off, âI wanted you to choose yourself,âÂ
âDo you not understand that choosing you is choosing myself too? Because it would have been a choice for me, for us, for us to be happy,âÂ
And those words seem to sink in the silence, his eyes averting from yours, a hand scrubbing down his face.Â
âYouâre right,â he finally says, âIâm sorry,â his words are quiet, but heavy â a rock sinking slightly into near still waters, âI wanted you to have everything, but I didnât take into consideration what that meant to you,â he says, âI suppose I didnât consider what I owe you,â he adds, and you shake your head, a small smile on your lips.Â
âShut up,â a chuckle leaves your lips despite yourself, cooling the white hot anger to warm wistfulness, âI wish it could have worked out,â and he nods, a small frown on his lips.Â
âMe too,âÂ
âBut maybe it was for the best,â and his eyes find yours, as you step back to the podium to place your papers down, âit was never going to work between us. It was already too complicated to begin with, and when we finally got together, there was a time limit,â you find his gaze again, unreadable, âmaybe it was for the best we moved on,â he doesnât reply, âI should get back to work,âÂ
He nods, as he turns to leave, casting a glance back over his shoulder, âLet me know if you need help with anything. Practice or otherwise, has the final formatting of your thesis been approved?âÂ
âIt hasnât yet, but I believe I followed the guidelines correctly, so there shouldnât be an issue,â you say, and he nods, as the door clicks open, as he turns the handle, âthank you again, for everything,â and thereâs far too much that can encompass everything that he did even in that word, but you meant it all the same. Everything he did had led you to this moment, and you would never be ungrateful for the impact he had.Â
âOf course, Iâll always be there for you, anytime,â his eyes find yours, lips curled in a wanting smile that wishes to say more, âeven when I actually do move on.âÂ
And heâs gone in a moment, the door shutting behind him, as your gaze is fixed on the place he just stood â lips parted.
What?Â
âProfessor,â you stop him, fingers reaching for him, even as you promised you wouldnât â wouldnât put yourself here again, wouldnât find yourself falling into his grasp again, but here you were again â you never learned your lesson. But you wondered if that made you a bad student or him a bad professor, âwhat do you mean?âÂ
Heâs turning only for your hand to grasp onto the sleeve of his jacket, your name leaving his lips but you cut him off.Â
The question wavers on your lips, âAre you not withââÂ
âNo, Iâm not. Sheâs just a friend, like I said,â he runs his fingers through his hair, âI know itâs ironic for me to be the one to break up with you, and not have moved on, but, I havenât,â his fingers brush against your own holding his jacket, before slowly intertwining, âI donât know if I ever will,âÂ
âWell, some philosophers believe in endurantism â the past is dead, and we live here and now â we canât do anything about what happened then â weâre whole right now, and not defined by what happened then, or what happens in the future,â your fingers squeeze his, âif we let this go, we could just exist now â the past erased and the future unclear â but weâre no less whole, are we?â your fingers slowly let go of his â but his donât. He only clings to your fingers still, stubbornly laced.Â
âPerhaps you arenât,â and heâs gently tugging you closer, you donât find yourself resisting, but instead leaning into his touch, âbut I always find myself clinging to my past â when youâre contained within it,â he lifts your hand to his lips, âwhat future do I have without you?â He presses a soft kiss that steals your logic, âand what present is worth being in that I donât get to spend at your side?âÂ
âSuguruââ and he sighs, as draws closer to you, breath warming your lips.Â
âBeen so long since Iâve heard you say my name,â his lips ghost your jaw, barely not brushing against it, âmy name doesnât sound the same unless itâs leaving your lips,âÂ
âWe shouldnât,â but even so, the back of his hand lightly drags against your why shouldnât you? Not when it felt so good, not when it felt this right, and your lips graze his, âSuguru,â youâre murmuring, the faint lingering taste of coffee on his lips, âfuckââÂ
RING. RING. RING. Â
Your eyes flutter open to find yourself in bed alone, your hand reaching beside you only to find more of your blanket and more pillows beside you, as it dawns on you.Â
A dream. Of course. A sigh stuck in your throat â no, you had watched him leave that night without another word, even though you had so many to say, but none at all. And even now, you didnât know what to say â to Suguru, to yourself, or to Yuta.Â
So you said nothing. And instead, youâre left with an aching in your chest as you grab your phone to find a text from YutaâÂ
Had to go in early todayâ Iâll see you for dinner, babyÂ
You lock your screen and place your phone on the nightstand, before turning back around to bury yourself in bed â as if staying in bed would bury your feelings along with yourselfâ
Because thatâs not whose text you wanted to see.Â
âYouâre home,â Yuta says when he walks through the door to find you lying on the couch and scrolling on your phone.Â
âNo âhi youâre home?ââ And Yuta snorts, as he strips off his clothes, and walks in to place a kiss on your lips, burying his face in the crook of your neck, drawing a giggle from your lips, âI missed you too,â
âI thought you were going to practice today. Your defense is the day after tomorrow. I didnât think Iâd get to see you out of a classroom until tomorrow evening when it was done,â you run your fingers through his dark locks, âthought Iâd have to pry you away from your notecards,âÂ
âHa, ha,â you kiss his cheek, brushing your nose against it, âI thought it would be good to take a break tomorrow, and Iâm just exhausted after all the practice I did tonight,â you sigh, and heâs on the couch beside you, wrapping his arms around your middle, âthis seems like a much better use of my time,â you settle into his arms, âhow was your day?âÂ
Yuta shrugs, kissing your shoulder, âBetter now,â and you chuckle, rumbling against his skin, sending a shiver up his spine as you lean over, his cheeks a pretty flush that only makes your lips curl, âitâs been too long since we got time like this. I donât even know where to start,â he nuzzled the side of your face.Â
You turn your head to kiss him fully, lips sliding against his, voice a quiet murmur, âthen letâs make our time count,â your sweet kiss grows deeper, your tongue at the seam of his lips that he parts for you. You swallow his moan with a smirk on your lips, your body moving against his slowly, his tenting erection catching on your clit through the far too thin material of your shorts.Â
âFuck,â you murmur, as you slowly begin to grind on his bulge, the delicious friction too much for him as well, head lolling back against the couch, âYu, sâgood,â
âMm,â Yuta parts from your lips, panting as your lips press eager kisses down his neck, a desperation he hadnât sensed before from you, âbaby, slow down,â and you almost donât seem to hear him, as your fingers find their way between your bodies to touch him through his joggers, ângh, you donât need toââÂ
But you seemingly do, as your thumb flicks against the tip, a soft hiss escapes his lips, âlike that, pretty boy?â Youâre murmuring in his ear, âgonna make you feel so good, because youâre sâgood fâme,âÂ
And youâre slipping his joggers and boxers down to free his cock, stroking him from base to tip, lovely beads of precum dripping down his length and your knuckles.Â
âFuck,â heâs covering his face with his hand, his fingers grasping at your hips, before eager fingers slide between your thighs and underneath your underwear, drawing a lovely gasp from your lips, âwanna make you feel good too, baby,â as his fingers circle your dripping entrance teasingly, a smirk on his lips, as he sinks one then two fingers in knuckle deepâ
âYuââ your hand stills for a moment as his fingers work their way against your drenched insides, âfuckââ and youâre melting into his arms â and maybe this was just what you both needed.Â
âThis was so nice,â you mumble against his chest later, pressing soft kisses against his skin as the two of you laid entangled in the afterglow, âitâs been too long,âÂ
He hums, âIt was perfect,â his fingers skim down your cheek, âyou know we could have this every day,â and you chuckle, the corner of your lips curled mischievously.Â
âDo you have the stamina for that?â you tease, painting a heated flush across his cheeks, as he rolls his eyes.Â
âI mean, we could go to sleep like this every night, and wake up together every morning if we moved in together,â and you blink at him, his nervousness overcoming him as he begins to backpedal, âw-we donât have to! I just thought Iâm ready for the next step with you. And I want toââÂ
You cut him off with a soft kiss, pausing his worries and anxiety in the syrupy sweetness of your kiss, before you pull away, âI think I need some time to think about it,âÂ
And he nods, âtake all the time you need, baby,â pressing a kiss to your forehead, but a thought still niggles into the forefront of his mind that he canât help but dwell onâÂ
Would you say yes if it was Geto asking?Â
It always seemed that you were ready when it came to him. Ready to be with him, no matter what the consequence, willing to make it work â but with him, it felt as if he was always the one chasing, and you were reluctantly within his grasp.Â
As you drew closer into his arms as the two of you settled down to sleep, his fingers running softly through your hair, he wondered how long it would be until he felt as if he wasnât the one desperately holding onto you, even as you seemingly always slipped away.Â
Even as he held you against his chest, heartbeat under where your head laid. He knew you were the one who had his heart.Â
He could only hope you wouldnât drop it.Â
âFuck, fuck, fuck,â it wasnât supposed to be like this, but it was always like this. No matter how well prepared you felt, something always managed to go wrong at the last minute. It was always when you were lulled into a false sense of security, only to have a rude awakeningâ
And this time it came in the form of an email rejecting your thesis formatting as incorrect. An email that came in that morning, but you had slept through, choosing to sleep in past noon after last night. And when your eyes fluttered open, Yuta was gone already for the day, you rolled over to check your email when you saw it.Â
Fuck.Â
You barely had time to text Yuta what had happened before rushing to the library to seek possible help from the librarians â fuck, you would have paid every overdue library charge if necessary. You didnât want to wait another semester to present again. It would be more time wasted, more time spent working towards something youâre already for, more time spent in this place that you didnât want to linger in any longer.Â
How had you managed to fuck it up so bad? Now every one of your citations and in text citations would need to be redone, along with reformatting by 5:00 PM today. And it was already 2:00 PM.Â
But maybe you were going to have to, as you rushed to pull the library door open, only to find it was closed this weekend due to scheduled maintenance.Â
Double fuck.Â
Your eyes burned with tears that you didnât want to shed right now. You had no time to cry. You had no time to panic. But it was all you wanted to do â just crawl into bed and cry.Â
You were turning back around to leave, when you nearly ran intoâÂ
He steadies you, his fingers brushing your shoulders, as his lips part to greet you, but his brow furrows when he sees your expression, âwhatâs wrong? Are you okay?âÂ
And that wasnât the right question to ask.Â
Tears slip from your eyes before words can, as Suguru blinks, concern flooding his face, as his hand finds yours and he takes you to his office nearby. It takes a few minutes for you to calm down (several tissues later) and you finally explained to him what happened.Â
His hand never leaves yours.Â
âI donât know what to do. I donât want to waste another semester here, I canât do that. I want to graduateââ Â
âListen, slow down for a second, ok?â His voice is soft, soothing your anxiety like a balm, even as your nerves flare as your eyes flicker to the time again, âThereâs time to fix this and go get it resubmitted before 5:00 PM. But, even if you do have to do another semester, whatâs so bad about that?â
You shake your head, biting your bottom lip, âI canât waste time like that. I already said I was graduating. If I have to stay another semester,â more tears trail down your cheeks, your nails digging into your knees, âhow could I face anyone after how hard I worked?âÂ
Suguru whispers your name, his fingers brushing against your cheek, âwhatâs another semester? Nothing will change. No one will view you any differently. But the more important thing is how you view yourself â and you know how hard you worked. Youâll be fine,âÂ
Youâre wiping your tears, sniffling, unable to meet his gaze, âHow do you have so much faith in me?âÂ
He gives a brief chuckle, âItâs you â how could I not?â And your eyes finally lift to meet his, as his thumb rubs lightly back and forth across your cheek, before he clears his throat, âwe have time to get it resubmitted,âÂ
ââWe?ââ and he stands up to grab a copy of your thesis and the error notes you had shown him.Â
âWell I canât have you do it, otherwise youâll end up submitting it late,â and you huff, a watery chuckle leaving your throat, âcome on.âÂ
âSuguru?â You call softly, as he turns, blinking at the sound of his name, âthank you.âÂ
âOf course.â and he smiles that damnable smile that made you fall for him â your heart squeezing and thudding against its bony cage, an aching that left you longing â a glance at your phone with Yutaâs notification that sent that longing sinking like a stone into the pit of your stomach.Â
No. It wasnât that.Â
It wasnât. Not if you let it be.Â
âIâm sorry,â
It had been quiet for sometime as the two of you made edits â him on the actual physical copy, while you edited the digital. The quiet scrape of his pen against paper and the clack of your keys are the only sound in his office. The very same one that the two of you had built your relationship from, and now here you were again. Except there was no banter, no smiles shared, nor even a knowing glance exchanged.Â
There was only silence.Â
Until you spoke first.Â
It was a silence you werenât accustomed to â a layer of awkwardness that had settled between the two of you as if to bandage the honesty that had shredded the false student-professor only relationship you had superimposed on top of the two of you.Â
Only for you to claw your way out â and claw him open as well.Â
But no bandage can seal a gaping wound for long, and there was only one way to deal with a bandage effectively, by ripping it off.Â
His eyes draw up slowly from the pages in front of him, glasses perched on the tip of his nose so precariously that you wanted to push them back, âYou have nothing to be sorry for â and you know itâs better to thank than apologize â Iâm always here to help,âÂ
But that wasnât what you were apologizing for.Â
âI meant for the other day,â you say softly, guilt was crawling at your throat.Â
His gaze grows heavy, âThereâs nothing to apologize for that either. You were right,â he adds, âI made decisions for us, when it should have been a discussion â especially when I said it was for youââ
âI wasnât sorry I said it,â you gently cut him off, fingers knitted together in your lap, âbut Iâm sorry for where and how I said it. It wasnât the time or place for that.â
âItâs really ok,â he tells you, a glance at his face telling you that it really was, âI would have yelled at myself far sooner, and nothing you said wasnât true,â his hand tugs at his tie, loosening it, his fingers wrapped around the fabric, âI wish I did it differently,âÂ
You shouldnât ask the question but it falls from your lips before you can stop it, âWhat would you have done differently?âÂ
And he gives a smile worthy of melancholyâs grasp, âI would have kept my promise to you,â and you know which one he means without him needing to say, âI would never have left you, if I hadnât been too busy being a happiness pump,â and those words stir warm coals in a fire you thought was long put out â but somehow burns still, a flicker of a promise for a spark.Â
One you couldnât stoke.Â
âWell, you make an excellent one,â and he scoffs, âno really, Iâve never seen someone so unhappy trying to make someone else happy before,âÂ
âI wouldnât say, âso unhappyâââ his pout is far too cute for your own good.Â
âCan really tell your life fell apart without me,â you say completely teasingly, as your lips curl, only to find his eyes on you still, âwhat?âÂ
He only shakes his head, âonly regretting not giving you lower than a 99 on your final paper,â and you gape at him as he bites back a chuckle, âI am the department head, maybe I couldââÂ
âYou mess with my gradesââ and your phone goes off â itâs Yuta. A text asking if everything was ok, before his face lights up your phone screen, and youâre not quick enough to avoid the awkward moment where Suguru sees it, âsorry IââÂ
âGo take it. I have plenty to get through,âÂ
âButââ but heâs already back to reviewing your citations as if nothing had happened as you pick up the call, screech of your chair as you get up to take the call, âhey, yeah I can talkââ and the door is closing behind you as you step outside.Â
You donât see the way he leans back, scrubbing a hand down his face to rest at his lips, âWhat am I doing?âÂ
And he really didnât know â as always, when it came to you.Â
âYouâll do amazing,â Yuta pressed another kiss to your lips, as you did the final adjustments to your outfit for the defense, âI canât wait to celebrate with you,âÂ
âI know, I canât wait for it to be over,â you sigh, pulling him into your arms, your chin perched on his shoulder, âyou still havenât told me what weâre doing,âÂ
He chuckles, his fingers cupping your cheek, âI told you itâs a surprise, so telling you would defeat the purpose,â you turn away to look at yourself again, âyou look perfect,âÂ
âYouâre just saying that because youâre too nice,â you grumble and he laughs, as you bite your lip, meeting his gaze in the mirror, âIâm sorry about not having you there,âÂ
And he feels a twinge in his chest, he had spent the last few days not trying to think about that. It wasnât important that he was there â it was important that youâd be coming home to him. Thatâs what mattered â or thatâs what he kept telling himself.Â
âItâs okay,â he intertwined his fingers with yours, and squeezed your hand, âIâll be here after, waiting for your good news. Because I know it will be,â and his arms pulled you against him, and he canât help but wonder why he doesnât want to let go.Â
Even if you were ready to go.Â
You barely remembered what you said.Â
You remembered how your stomach turned and twisted in knots you didnât know were physically possible as you made your way to the building where your defense was being held. Your fingers kept twiddling with your phone, checking the location and date listed in your email a million times to ensure you hadnât missed your defense already or that you didnât imagine your citations were accepted. You were sure your clothes would wrinkle from the sheer anxiety cladding through your veins, the vibration of nerves enough to beat creases into your freshly pressed clothes.Â
And you remembered seeing Suguru right when you walked in. He stood behind the table with the other members of the committee, chatting â and objectively, you hated how unfairly pretty he was. His long, inky hair tucked into a neat bun today, choosing to wear a crisp white button down, opting for no tie, but a off white sweater vest and black suit jacket over his shoulders, and lips curled in a small smile that only grows warmer when he catches sight of you from the corner of his eye. And it must be nerves, the way your heart flutters within your chest and the way that heat clings to your cheeks â nothing more.Â
Your eyes slide to him again â no one else.Â
You remembered how people filled into the classroom that you were defending your thesis in, as you shuffled around the front, setting up your presentation and notes for talking points. You spotted Maki, Panda, and Inumaki walk in, undoubtedly Yutaâs doing, along with a few of your other friends from the program. Your hands shook ever so slightly, even as you wrung them â a nervous habit you had picked up before large presentations or important milestones.Â
And then as people took their seats and it was 4:00 PM, it was time for your defense. You took a breath for a second â and your gaze finds not your friends, but Suguruâs. He offers you a smile, a look that tells you that he believes in you â always more than you ever had.Â
So you begin.Â
You donât remember what you said â but you remember speaking as you did a million times before in practice. You remember making an adlib or two that draws a few chuckles from your audience. But what you mostly remember is the few glances you stole from Suguru who listened intently, a mouthed encouragement when you took a pause.Â
And soon you were answering questions after concluding the main part of your presentation. You are fielding them from professors and students alike, until there was only time left for one more. There was silence for several moments â it felt like hours, the committee conferring and speaking amongst themselves.Â
âI think I can take one last question,â and your eyes darted over the group, finding no hands, until one slowly went up â one you were familiar with, âProfessor Geto?âÂ
Of course he would have a question â no less, the last one.Â
âI just had one comment about your thesis, not a question,â and with how he had poked and prodded at the fire of your work from the moment you met him â the way he pushed you head first into the flames, if only to temper the best version of your work, and of yourself. And even though you had burned yourself one too many times, you couldnât help but reach for it again and again, âafter conferring with the committee, congratulations, you passed your defense.â
The audience claps and congratulates you, a sea of shaking hands and kind words while you recover from the defense. But as the crowd disperses, you find Suguru walking towards you.Â
A silence settles over the two of you for a moment â a want to speak lingering between you two, but no words said. Why was it always when you had so much to say you found none of the thoughts you wanted to express? There wasnât enough time â but they would never be.
But he breaks it first.Â
âCongratulations on your defense. You did wonderfully,â he says, hands tucked into his pockets, as you bite your lip, cheeks burning.Â
âNo remark about me being on time? Or any little criticisms? Iâm shocked. Youâve lost your edge, Professor,â he chuckles, shaking his head.Â
âOh, there will be time for that later,â he replies, his hand slipping out from his pocket only to be placed gently on your shoulder, âbut right now, I just want you to know Iâm proud of your determination and grit, but mostly, Iâm proud of you,â
His name almost slips from your lips as your mouth opens and closes, words stuck in your throat, âThank you. It means so much,â especially from you. But you canât say that, âI canât thank you enough for everything youâve done for me,âÂ
âYou donât owe me anything,â and you chuckle, gaze finding his own, just as it always did.Â
âDonât I? I think I owe you a drink, I never did buy you one after all â purely for networking purposes,â you add, âand a thank you for saving my ass on these citations,âÂ
And heâs shaking his head, âAll I did is what you what have done for anyone else,âÂ
âAnd you wouldnât?â And he shrugs.Â
âFor a student? Maybe. For you? Always,â and you bite your lip, gaze falling, âwhat is it?Â
âWhy?â âWhy for me?â was the question you wanted to ask but you couldnât push the words past your lips even as they rested on your tongue.Â
But he knew the words.Â
âYou know the reasons,â he says softly, âI know you have nothing but amazing things ahead, and Iâd do anything to see you reach your goals,âÂ
And he would. He did.
âI can agree with that,â a hand clasps your shoulder, Yaga gives a small smile, âgood job,âÂ
âProfessor Yaga, oh my god,â you grin, resisting the urge to hug him, âhow are you? Are you feeling better?âÂ
âIâm well enough. Treatment has been honestly shit, but my son is doing a good enough job looking after me,â Yaga rubs the back of his head, âthat and balancing classes hasnât been easy for the kid.âÂ
âYour son goes here?â Professor Yaga points at a familiar cluster of three, âPanda?â You didnât really see a family resemblance but you supposed you didnât have to.Â
He nods, âbut Iâm not here to talk about him,â he holds his hand out to you, âIâm very proud of you. I know you have a bright future ahead. I apologize I couldnât helpââÂ
âYou did too much. Thank you Professor Yaga,â and then others are calling for you, âif you both will excuse me,âÂ
âOf course, I need to speak to Suguru so itâs just as well,â and your attention is pulled, but the corner of your eye still watches him, watches him leave the leave â leaving you behind here. Just as it should be, your gaze sliding back, as your fingers rested against your chest.Â
So why did it hurt so much?Â
Yuta was late â it seems he always was, when it came to you.Â
Even so, this time it was somewhat purposely, but he still had tried to be on time. He wanted to at least hear the very end of your defense, if not in sight, then outside the classroom. But he had run late, trying to straighten out reservations he made at a restaurant youâve been wanting to try for months. He had finally convinced them to bring out a cake as if to celebrate your birthday, but for your thesis. It was silly, as Yuta half walked half sprinted to the room of your defense, only to find it was over.Â
The doors to the lecture hall had been opened after your defense finished, some people filing out, while others lingered to speak to you or others. Yuta held the bouquet of flowers behind him, scanning the group for you â and his eyes fell on you â with Geto.Â
You were both off to the side, speaking alone, his hand clasped on your shoulder, before slipping off. And it was clear from the way he looked at you â that he felt the same for you as he always did. And youâ
You looked the same, as you always did, when it came to Geto.Â
Yutaâs fingers squeeze at the base of the flowers, plastic crinkling under his grasp. He hadnât asked why you had stopped meeting with him for your thesis â almost a relief to have your correspondence all over email, and not to face dealing with the weekly meetings. He hadnât asked, but he could assume some sort of argument happened, a discussion, a confession maybe â something you hadnât broached with him. And a part of him really didnât want you to. He didnât want to have the boat rocked on him â butâ
As he watched you become pulled away when another professor joined your conversation, and Geto was pulled away out of the room by that same professor â Yuta saw your eyes follow Getoâs back. The two walk past Yuta without notice, engrossed in their conversation, and Yuta catches a few snippets of it before theyâre out the door.Â
And he turned back to you â he knew he may have to be the one to rock it. Because the ship had already begun taking in water â and it was either he grasped onto the side with white knuckles and went down with it, or he let it go, letting it fall into the wreckage. He glanced away from you, starting to walk off towards the exit â because maybe this ship wasnât made to sail, but to sink.Â
And he couldnât let himself drown â even for you.Â
You checked your phone again as you left â no phone calls, not even a text back. You bit your lip as you made your way back to the apartment. You had already called him three times, but your anxiety was getting the better of you. He had told you he would meet you after the defense, but there wasnât any sign of him.Â
You opened the door to your place, keys jingling as head inside to find him sitting on the couch. You put your things down, as you head to the living room.Â
âYu? Are you okay? You werenât picking upââ and you see a bag of his things packed, âYuta?âÂ
âSorry I made you worry, baby, I just thought,â he sighs, unable to meet your gaze as he looks in front of him, âI thought I could wait, but I canât,âÂ
âYuta, what? WhatâsââÂ
Your name leaves his lips, cutting you off gently, as he finally looks at you, gaze heavy, âwe need to break up.âÂ
You donât have words.Â
No, you have one word.Â
âWhy?â You ask, as you take steps forward to sit beside him, as your mind struggles to keep up â your certificate still in your hand, the excitement of being done all but extinguished.Â
âIâm sorry, but donât you know why?â He asks softly, and your eyebrows knit together, shaking your head,Â
âWhat are you talking about?â And youâre wringing your hands, fingers nearly in knots, a sigh parting your lips as you try to soothe yourself, âYuta, I know Iâve been busy this semester with my thesis, but itâs done with. And we can go back toââÂ
âWe canât,â and it was so final â so definitive â and without a way for you to have a choice. Yet again. Were you doomed to repeat this cycle? Again and again. With no change in the outcome. And you donât know what to say, as you scrub a hand down your face.Â
âOkay then,â and your name slips from his lips, as you cross your arms.Â
âYou donât understandââ and your chuckle is so bitter.Â
âHow can I when you havenât explained? All youâve said are cryptic things that Iâm supposed to piece together what? What am I supposed to know?â Tears slip down your cheek, forcing your voice to stay steady, the stress of the last few months crashing down around you just as your relationship did, âI know that I havenât been the best girlfriend. And Iâm sorry. I really am,â your voice breaks, âBut I tried. I tried to communicate. I tried to spend time with you, even when I didnât have a minute to myself. You knew Iâd be busy. You knew that going in and stillââÂ
His voice is gentle, so gentle that it infuriates you â gentle even when heâs hurting you, âItâs not thatââÂ
âThen what is it?â You snap â you were tired of running in circles â you needed an answer, a tangible reason why.Â
âGeto,â you blink, as the confession settles over his face, âit wasnât your schedule. It was who you spent it with,â and youâre staring for a moment, expression crumbling under the weight of the truth.Â
âYuta, Yu, noââ you step towards him, but he only sighs, running a hand through his hair, âit was only for my thesis. Nothing happened between us. I promise,âÂ
âI trust you when you say nothing happened,â but his eyes lift to meet yours, âand in a way nothing has happened, because you still love him,âÂ
âyutaââÂ
âI know you love me, in some way,â the words leave his lips slowly, cutting you each syllable, but you canât imagine how deeply and how long heâs been cut by these thoughts already, âbut not like you love himââÂ
âThatâs notââÂ
âYou know before we started dating, I talked to Maki about how I feel, and I told her I was afraid that you would never look at me the way you look at him,â and the mended pieces of your heart break apart with new cracks with the way his voice wavers, âbut all this time, and still, you havenât. Even today, when I waited outside of the lecture hall, I saw you both together â and I know,â he breaks off, biting his lip, âI know it was him congratulating you, but the way you looked at him hadnât changedââÂ
Youâre shaking your head, âYuta, no, no, itâs just a look. I donât even know how I look at him, but it doesnâtââÂ
âI do know how you look. It hasnât changed,â heâs swallowing, his eyes fall to the floor, âand itâs not just that. Do you see a future with me?âÂ
âOf courseââÂ
âWhen I brought up moving in, you said youâd think about it, but have you?â you open and close your mouth, fingers grasping at the fabric of your clothes, âhave you thought about what happens after you graduate? Or whatâs next for us?â your silence is answer enough â sinking in for you, as it already did for him â slipping in between your ribs like a well placed dagger â and it had stabbed him all the same too, âyou love me, but I donât think youâre in love with me,âÂ
âYuta, I do, I do love youââ and he draws close to you, fingers cupping your cheek.Â
âBut the world doesnât stop for you when I come near? It doesnât feel as if I steal your breath when I hold you like this? Does it feel as if you donât wish to spend a moment without me?âÂ
âLove doesnât always have toââÂ
âBut it does â to some extent,â he pressed a kiss to your forehead, âyou imagined your future with him didnât you? Didnât even want to spend a moment apart?â And he gives a terse chuckle, âwe have to break up,âÂ
You donât want it to be true. You want to fight him, argue, convince him heâs wrong, that the explanation heâs pieced before you is falsified â a distorted version of how you felt conflated by misunderstandings.Â
But you canât.Â
âYuta, Iââ and he shakes his head, âno, Iâm sorry, I didnât, I didnât meanââ your eyes burn with tears, âIâm sorry,âÂ
He smiles softly, pulling you into his arms, âI knew we had rushed in, but I didnât want to wait, because I thought Iâd lose my chance,âÂ
âYuââ he kisses your cheek, âI do love you, I do,â and he nods, lips curling sadly, before he pulls you into another hug.Â
âI know. I love you too.âÂ
But it wasnât enough â and it wasnât right.Â
Not for either of you.Â
You donât know how much time you spent in bed after that. The semester had closed out, and you had curled up under your sheets â seemingly a new tradition you had of ending a semester with a break up. You wondered if graduating would end it â and if it didnât, you might have to reconsider going for your Ph.D. â if only to avoid this pain again.Â
You stick your head up out of your blanket, glancing at the light pooling in from the window â because time went on no matter how you felt, and the sun rose each day, despite it all.Â
Yuta had grabbed his things and left a while after. You still could feel the brush of his fingers against your skin as he squeezed your hand one last time.Â
âYouâre still my best friend,â you had told him, forcing your voice to stay even, and he chuckles, a smile on his lips.Â
âYouâre still mine too.âÂ
But even so you hadnât heard from him in a few days â but you couldnât blame him. You could only blame yourself. It had become so exceedingly clear that he was right. And you didnât know how you hadnât seen it. The anger still lingered, but anger was only the remnants of your love for him that still stubbornly clung to life, despite your efforts to move on.Â
But moving on wasnât as simple as finding feelings for someone else â not when you were only ever truly in love with one person.Â
You were still in love with Suguru.Â
Despite it all â you hadnât gotten over him, and you werenât sure you ever would. If months werenât enough, would years be? Would you ever get rid of the feelings you had for him, wrapped around your limbs, and had snuck into the crevices of your heart. An invasive species that perhaps you would never eradicate.Â
But you couldnât go back now. Not after everything that happened. NotÂ
Your phone goes off, lighting up on your bedside table before beginning to ring, your fingers slipping from inside your cocoon of blankets. You grab your phone â Professor Yaga?Â
âHello?âÂ
He greets you with your name, âI hope youâre doing well â I just wanted to reach out to congratulate you again on your successful defense,â you smile, sitting up as you do. The two of you make small talk as he discusses his recovery, reporting that heâs doing well.Â
âThank you so much Professor Yaga, for everything, really,â and he chuckles.Â
âThank you for being so understanding of my situation â it was difficult, but Iâm glad Suguru stepped for in me so well, and Iâm sure heâll do well in KyotoââÂ
âHeâs going back?â the question spills from your lips before you can even hold your tongue, âI didnât know you wereââÂ
âIâm not returning yet, but even if I do, I donât think I will be returning as a department head. So I gave Suguru the choice to stay department head here or move to Kyoto,â and he adds, âI did give him the choice to stay here or move back to Kyoto,â
And your throat is dry, âOh I see. Thatâs good for him,â a silence settles over the call for a moment, before Yaga speaks.
âHe hasnât made a decision yet,â Yaga says, and heâs staying for graduation so if youâd like to thank him in person since I interrupted your conversation, II know on good authority that heâs in his office right now,â and he adds, âitâs not too late if someone were to speak to him now,âÂ
You blink, âProfessor YagaââÂ
âYouâre all but graduated so Iâm allowed to say this â I wish you both the best. But I know Suguru has never been happier than when he was with you,â you bite your lip, âso for both of your sakes, you should go talk to him,âÂ
âThank you, Professor, for everything.â And you hang up without much to do, grabbing your bag and keys before heading out the door.Â
He was right, fingers squeezing around your phone â itâs what you owed him â and yourself.Â
Suguru sat back in his office, finally done with his papers for his philosophy class. The sun had long fled the sky, along with most staff and students. The end of the semester had come quick, and with it came a quiet and deserted campus with nothing but his grade book and the buzzing of the fluorescent lights in his office to keep him company.Â
Not that he was craving company.Â
He loosened his tie, unbuttoning a button or two on his shirt and on his cuffs, and then rolled his sleeves up. He was insane for still insisting on teaching a class amongst the insanity, though he did have another professor step in to co-teach the course. He didnât know why he had stuck to that sticking point when it was illogical â but, as he gazed down at the stack of final papers strewn in front of him doused in his red ink, he knew it wasnât a logical reason.Â
He was rifling through the graded stack, adding the scores to his grade book. This semester has been a mixed bag, a mix of grades â from high to low. Some of the papers were insightful, others were clear that they had only taken this class as a course to blow off. But even of all the high graded essays, not one of the papers compared to yours.Â
But of course, no one compares to you, and thatâs why he needed to leave. He knew that. He wanted you to be happy â even if that didnât include him. And after this semester, it couldnât. Being around you was an exercise of torture â Tantalus who had been starving for decades to get a taste of food, only to be hungrier after that morsel. A bite of the apple only makes you want to devour it, core and all.Â
It was just as Aristotle had said â desire was made of both rational and irrational, and his longing for you is rooted in the rational â because yes, perhaps his body craved you irrationally and carnally, but that was far overshadowed by the need for you after experiencing you for himself. This self made inducement would be the death of him, and Aristotle himself would call him a fool.Â
But he didnât need him to â because he was. A fool and a coward, just as you said. He sets down his pen, leaning against his hand, as he looks over at the blank reply email to Yaga with his cursor blinking. It would be for the best if he left for Kyoto again. So you didnât have to see him again.Â
And then there was a knock at his office door. He paused, eyes flicking up only to hear your voice through the door, âItâs me,âÂ
He hates the way his breath catches at the sound of you, heart picking up as his eyes flicker to the somewhat late hour and back. No words on his lips except the one thing he can say.Â
âCome in,âÂ
And you do â you always liked to tease him that he was the one who was unfair when it came to how he looked, but to him, it was you that was unfair. Your hair askew, chest rising and falling quick, clothes a little disheveled and yet, you were always the most gorgeous person heâd met in his life.Â
You shift in the entryway of the door, squirming seemingly under his gaze, âIs this a bad time?âÂ
Time never was in either of your favor, not ones that she found beguiling, except in a way meant to deceive. But time and time again, he allowed himself to be tricked â if only for a moment with you.Â
âNo, not at all. I just wrapped up grading the final papers,â and you give a soft chuckle, as you close the door behind you, before taking careful steps forward, eyes finding the stack nearly bleeding from his careful cuts and slashes.Â
âHow many red pens did you use up? Fifty?âÂ
âOh, only forty-nine this time, trying to be more conservative with my usage,â and you scoff, more of a chuckle than a sneer, âplus, I didnât have a student write several pages over the limit this timeââÂ
You gape at him, and he has to bite back his smile, âIt was one page, and you said I could,âÂ
âBullied into it was more like it,âÂ
âDonât know of a case where a student could bully a professor into anything,âÂ
âThey clearly havenât had you in their classroom,â and then he adds, a soft smile on his lips, âbut I suppose I could see them enjoy being bullied by a student as passionate about the subject â even if my office hours suffered for it,âÂ
âYou loved those office hours,â and he wants to say, yes, when you were there â but he canât. He told himself he wouldnât cross that line, âand I did too,â you add, and his eyes find yours â but maybe you would cross it instead, âyou remember what you said about not being my professor anymore?âÂ
And he did â all those months ago at the end of the first semester you had spent in class together, and heâs nodding, mouth impossibly dry, âWell Iâm as good as graduated, so youâre definitely not my professor, not anymore,âÂ
Your name slips from his lips, brow furrowed, a question almost, as if it canât be what your words implied, but youâre shaking your head, as you pull a folded paper from your bag, unfolding it before sliding it across his desk.Â
His eyes fall on it, and itâs the note he had written all those months ago â asking you for a drink, and for so much more. He had admired your determination, your wit, your beauty, your intellect, and so many other things he didnât have space to say âÂ
âSuguru,â and his eyes find yours, and god, why was it so easy to get lost in your heady gaze? âWe had said we didnât want to hurt each other â but I donât think thatâs something that can be avoided. You hurt me,â and he nods, lips parting ready for an apology, âbut Iâll probably hurt you â and I probably have already,âÂ
âSweetheartââ the pet name falls from his mouth as if itâs second nature, âIââÂ
âI canât stop thinking about you,â and the corner of his eyes burn with tears â is this a dream? Because he swears, it would be the cruelest one so far, âI canât stop loving you, and Iâve tried toâIâve tried to move on,âÂ
âMaybe it would be for the best,â but youâre shaking your head, as youâre slowly rounding his desk, and the truth canât help but fall from his lips, âI donât deserve youââÂ
âWhat did I say about making decisions about us without me?â And he sighs, resistance crumbling as you draw far too close â and he couldnât bear not to reach out, âyou have to take responsibility for your actions, donât you?âÂ
âSweetheartââÂ
âYou said you havenât moved on â is that still true?âÂ
His fingers reach across the chasm he had carved between the two of you, his fingers tracing the curve of your jaw and the swell of your cheek, just he had wanted to for all these months. And just a taste, a brush of your skin, heâd never let you go again.Â
âI never could â not from you,â his voice wavers, âevery day I missed you â I never wanted to break up with you, I just couldnât bear to be the reason that you ever hold yourself back from getting something you wanted,â and he gives a bitter chuckle, shaking his head, âwho knew I was the one doing that by leaving? And Iâm so sorry, I am soââÂ
And your forehead pressed against his, his words nearly swallowed with a sob, as he squeezes his eyes shut, tears burning a trail down his cheeks, that you gently thumb away before cupping his cheeks, âI want to hear something other than an apology,âÂ
His flutter open, lips brushing against your cheek, âI love you, I always have, sweetheart. I never stoppedââ his voice breaks, a crack in the dam enough to spill the truth from his lips and tears from his eyes, âand I promise Iâll never break my promises anymore â thatâs a contradiction, butââ and your fingers find purchase on his cheek, consuming the words on his lips with your touch, âI promise, Iâll spend the rest of my life making it up to you,âÂ
Your lips curl, eyes watery as you kiss away one of his tears, âIs that a proposal?â you tease, your other hand slides back through his black locks, twisting one strand around your finger, âseems a little fast for that when you havenât even kissed me properly yet,âÂ
He snorts softly, clearing his throat ever so slightly, âIf memory serves me, weâve done a lot more than kiss before,â and heâs daring closer, as you lean down, your legs pressed against the lip of his desk, ânearly in this office,â and heâs slipping up from his desk, his breath stolen from his lungs by the whisper of your perfumed skin, and his logic eroded by the heat of your body against his.Â
ââNearly,ââ you repeat with a soft hum, as your lips graze his jaw, âthen why donât we fix that?â your lips find his, a chaste kiss, barely a few seconds when you pull away half a centimeter, and heâs already leaning back in for another and another.Â
The familiar feel of your lips against yours makes him wonder how he had survived without you for so long â falling for you was as natural as breathing and kissing you was needed as oxygen. But each kiss only sends jolt over jolt up and down his body, and he wonders if he were to ever stop again, perhaps his heart would too.Â
Because all the time he had spent not with you was time spent living â perhaps breathing and existing. But no, he only felt alive when he was at your side â and in your arms. And especially against your lips. Delights in the way your lips part for him like muscle memory, tongue against yours â in a sloppy, desperate kiss that has every ounce of reason sucked from his mind (and likely into your mouth).Â
He parts if only for air, a string of spit connecting your lips, that he thumbs away, âIf I recall, you had something about me not being very ethical last time we did this,â he remarks, his lips parting before kissing down your jaw, your taste an addiction to his deprived lips â a desert wanderer ready to swallow you whole, âand now here you are,â heâs leaning back, as your hand is splayed back against the wood of his desk, your chest rising and falling, lips kiss bitten red and swollen from his own, âwhat do you call this?â His finger is toying with the top button of your blouse.Â
âA student taking after her teacher,â your lips find his pulse, teeth grazing his skin as if to taunt him, to goad him to go further, but, and his fingers slip behind. your thighs and squeeze no goading was needed â he was ready to devour you.Â
And heâs lifting you onto his desk, papers crumpling underneath and pens flung onto the floor, and a gasp caught in your throat as he pins you against it, before tugging his tie off.Â
âLooks like I still have plenty to teach you.âÂ
âSugu, fuck,â your fingers thread through his black locks, undone from his bun hy your own hands, your nails digging into his scalp. How long have you been in this office with him now? Half an hour? Almost an hour? Time had lost all meaning to you when he had kissed his way down your body.Â
Burning kisses that had stolen your thoughts from your mind and left only him in its wake â how had you lived without him? Your fingers had found their way to the back of his neck, as his lips mapped the peaks and valleys of your neck and collarbone.Â
âFuck,â a gasp parts your lips when his teeth teases the juncture of your neck and shoulder, sucking and biting again and agin, until heâs left pretty love bites gracing your across your skin.Â
And that sharp tongue of his dragged over the marks left blooming on your skin, as if couldnât simply get enough of you, and he couldnât.Â
âSuguru, pleaseââ youâre whining already and he barely began, and the all too smug smile against the swell of your breast only told you he thought the same.Â
âPatience, Princess, so needy fâme, arenât you?â But he obliged anyway, fingers deftly unbuttoning your shirt.Â
And now your blouse was nearly shrugged off, your bra undone with your pert nipples still sticky with his saliva and breasts covered in small marks from his teeth grazing your skin. And now he had tugged your skirt down and off, leaving you only in your underwear.Â
âYouâre making such a mess on my desk, sweetheart,â he clicks his tongue, as his large palms slide up your plush thighs and squeeze, drawing a lovely gasp from your lips, before heâs parting your thighs, âbut itâs such a pretty mess when itâs you,â and you were so fucking pretty with your legs parted like this, panties translucent from your juices leaking from your dripping folds, even glossy against the wood of his desk now. And he would be sure to make a bigger mess soon enough.Â
âSugu,â your cheeks burn as he stares, your embarrassment melting into a gasp when his fingers drag against your clothed slit teasingly, up and down, so meticulously again and again, until his fingers are sticky with your pre, ângh, pleaseââÂ
Your plea is enough for him to snap, as heâs tugging your underwear away and off, tucking the ruined panties into his pocket with a glint of his amethyst eyes in the low light of his office. Pretty folds in full display for him, with your swollen clit and glistening slit nearly begging for attention, and heâs more than happy to oblige.Â
And heâs running a finger down your lovely folds, gathering precum on his finger, far too slowly for your liking, as he takes his time to circle your clit, âAll this just from a few kisses?â lust pools in his gaze with a flicker of amusement, âso sensitive just for me,â your need for him as plain as the juices that seep from your pussy, walls fluttering and aching for something more than the tip of his finger.Â
âSuguru, fuck, I canât,â your toes curl when he finally pities you with a kiss to your needy cunt, nose bumping against your clit teasingly, the friction making your thighs tremble, âpleaseââÂ
âNever thought Iâd hear my quick witted T.A. beg for me like this, but I have dreamt of it,â you glance down at him, lips glossy with your pre, âI have to make up for time lost, time I wasted without you, princess,â and his thumb rubs at your clit, while his lips press sweet kisses to the flesh of your inner thigh, âitâs what I owe you, isnât it?âÂ
âIââ your sentence lost to a moan as he drags the flat of his tongue up your slit, tip of his tongue teasingly lingering around your entrance, and your hips buck into his touch, warm palms coming down to pin you in place against his desk.Â
You can barely stifle your moans, fingers flying up to press a hand over your mouth, as the tongue starts to flick and circle your clit, while a lithe finger teases your tight cunt, âIâm not one for sweets, but you may give me a sweet tooth,â and his lips close around your clit, sucking and licking, making your back arch, your arm behind you shaking as it struggled to keep your balance.Â
âFuuuuck, Sugu, Iââ youâre panting, head lolling back when he finally sinks a finger into your fluttering walls, the wet squelch of your cunt and your barely contained moans filling up the relative silence of his office, âpleaseââ and a second finger joins the first, a smirk on his lips as he kisses your puffy clit again, a groan when he feels the way your walls clench around his fingers, knuckle deep.Â
âGonna break my fingers at this rate, sweetheart,â heâs grunting, but even so heâs adding a third finger, the stretch far too delicious as it sends stripes of heat up and down your body and right to your spasming cunt, âwhat are you going to do when I put my cock inside? Our refresher lesson has barely begun,â and heâs enjoying this too much, and when his arms are hooking around your thighs, carefully lying you back on his desk, your hands slipping from his hair, and instead propping himself up on his elbows.Â
âSugu, whââ and your back arches as he begins to thrust deeper into your cunt, a strangled gasp on your lips that melts into a moan as his lips close around your clit. You can barely make out the obscene noises that leave your lips, as his fingers fuck you open, before heâs sucking hard â once, twice, and then a third timeâ âIâmââÂ
You can barely find the words before youâre cumming, walls squeezing and fluttering around his fingers while he fucks you through it, lapping at your juices, his name on your lips again and again, until you finally come down from your high. He pulls his fingers away from your twitching pussy, only to bury his face in between your thighs again.Â
âFuuuck, Suguââ your moans are broken as your body arches into him, fingers finding purchase on his shoulders, sucking and licking your release eagerly, seemingly hellbent on tasting every inch of you.Â
Pretty moans fell from your mouth, muffled as you clasped your hand over your lips, âcanât waste a drop, sweetheart,â heâs slurping and sucking at your cunt, and god, if anyone walked by his office, they would surely hear you both â hear the nasty squelch of your pussy and your barely muffled moans.Â
How many times did you orgasm from his tongue alone? You had lost track. Each time he would bring you over the edge with the thrust of his tongue or the suck of his lips, and he would eat you out through it, only building to the next and then the next.Â
âSugu, please, Iâm close, fuckââ and you canât even hear your own broken voice, not over the lewd sounds of his mouth sucking at your pussy, the coil tight in your stomach and ready to snap, until another hard suck makes you cum, hard.
Your fingers find their way into his hair, clutching at him desperately as you squirt all over his face, drenching him along with his desk, wood sticky and soaked with your release. Heâs lapping at your cunt, thighs twitching from your orgasm, until heâs finally pulling away to glance up at you with dark eyes, his chin and mouth glossy with your cum and his spit. His tongue darts out to clean both, before wiping the rest away with the back of his hand, glazed over gaze half lidded with need.Â
âSâgood for me, Princess,â heâs pressing gentle kisses up your body, âso pliant, and yet you were so mouthy before,â and his lips kiss that mouth of yours, letting you taste yourself on his tongue, as he presses you further into the desk, his arm slinked around your back. And youâre pulling him just as close, hands grasping at the front of his button-up.Â
And then youâre pushing him back, forcing him into his chair, as you get to your feet, before sinking to your knees. His breath catches, eyes watching you â your disheveled appearance, hair half mussed, and skin shiny with sweat, âlet me show you how mouthy I can be.âÂ
âImagine someone walked in now, see your pants down for your favorite student,â your tongue trailed up the underside of his clothed cock â and he could nearly cum looking down at you between his thighs, your kiss bitten lips pressing a sweet kiss to the head of his dick, thumbing at the leaking slit, licking your lips at the sight of the large stain of his precum on his cock, âSugu, youâre so fucking big, canât wait to feel this inside,â and his length twitches, a grunt in the back of his throat, as your fingers toy with the elastic of his boxers, snapping the waistband against his sensitive skin.Â
And god, heâs fucking pretty like this. Black locks falling in front of his perfectly sculpted cheekbones with a lovely flush settled over his featuresÂ
âFuck, sweetheart,â heâs panting, head nearly lolling back against the headrest of his chair, âgonna tease me after this long?â itâs half joking, half pleading, but youâre only clicking your tongue at him.Â
âYou made me wait much longer, Suguru â made me cry too,â and his gaze softens, lips parted with an apology that fades into a hiss, as you free him from his boxers, erection slapping against his still clothed abs, âbut now Iâm going to make you cry,â you press a teasing kiss to his weeping tip, flushed red with need, letting his white pearly release paint your lips, âuntil youâre begging to cum,âÂ
A strangled gasp caught in his throat, tracing the pretty veins and curves like it was made for you, âYouâre so pretty, Sugu â all of this is for me?â Your fingers slowly stroking his length, his moaning music to your ears, as your other hand teasing his balls, âgonna cum down my throat already? Canât cum this soon,â you cooed, his fingers digging into the armrests of his chair, and yet your fingers squeeze around his base, hips jerking into your touch.Â
âPrincess, stop teasingââ his protests had fallen on deaf ears, as you bring your pretty lips to his aching tip, only to trace his slit with the tip of his tongue, salty precum disappearing inside your mouth, and fuck, itâs enough for him to nearly cum there and then, âplease,âÂ
âDidnât know you could be so polite, Sugu, when begging for your student to swallow your cock,â and finally you let his cock part past your lips, and his head falls back, eyes fluttering shut as your tongue swirls around his length. It was already too much for him â so much, just as you were, your tongue tracing and teasing his dick, while your lips sucked along the base.Â
And you werenât doing much better, the weight of his cock against your tongue makes your cunt ache for him, and sneaking glances at his fucked out form â muffled moans of your name as he covers his lips with the back of his arm, as his dark gaze watches you sink his cock into your mouth again. Your hand is slipping into your throbbing pussy for some relief, as you bob up and down his length.Â
But he doesnât miss it, a groan at the sight of you swallowing his dick whole whole riding your own hand, âDoes fucking your mouth feel that good, Princess? Feel that good that you need to touch yourself?â And youâre moaning around his length, vibrations of sending shivers up his spine and a groan of your name from his lips, âSo fucking good fâme, Princess â too good for me,â heâs grunting, as you let his tip brush the back of your throat now, making pleasure rip up his body, âsweetheart, please, gânna fuck your throat if you keep that up,âÂ
And you ease off, letting his cock slap against your tongue as it slips out, âmaybe I want you, Sugu,â youâre kissing and licking along his length, âwant you to fuck my smart little mouth,âÂ
Fuck.Â
Youâre sliding his cock back in, his hips jerking against you as you let him sink all the way in, tip brushing against your throat again. And fuck, the wet squelch of your fingers inside you breaks him, as he starts to give an experimental thrust, a light one that has you moaning around him. Heâs gauging your reaction, only for you to force his length down more, barely not blowing his load there and then, as you look up at him, a smile in your eyes as if youâre daring him.Â
And he canât hold back.Â
Heâs fucking your mouth, your tongue massaging up and down his length as he thrusts inside your warm mouth, his nails digging into your locks as he holds you flush to his body. The sight of you on your knees, taking his dick as drool and pre drip down your chin, eyes nearly rolling back with pleasure as you do, making his cock twitch in your mouth.Â
âThat feel that good, Princess? Wanted me to fuck this mouth that bad? I should do it more often if thatâs what it takes.â heâs almost drunk off the pleasure, thrusts growing a little rougher as he grows close, âfuck, Iâm close, baby, whereââ and your hands are sliding around to his lower back, holding him in place as your answer, âshit, sweetheart, youâre going to be the death of me,â and you suck around him as his tip hits the back of your throat again, and thatâs itâ
He spills, hot cum flooding your mouth and down your throat, as you both moan in unison, large spurts devolving into smaller ones, as he comes down from his high. You donât waste a drop, swallowing every bit of it, as you finally pull away from his cock with a pop, the sight of your ruined lips with strings of spit and cum still connecting you to his dick is enough to have it twitching again.Â
âSweetheart, youâre sâgood to me,â heâs gently pulling you up into his lap, his fingers running through your hair. âI donât deserve you. I donâtââ and youâre cutting him off with a soft kiss that steals the words from his mind, your eyes shiny with tears.Â
âYou do, you do because I choose you, because I love you, and I know youâre sorry,â you cup his cheek, before lightly pinching it, âand if you ever do anything that stupid again, Iâm going to kill you and Iâll be ethically and morally justified,â and he chuckles, burying his face in the crook of your neck to press soft kisses to your skin, before pulling back to look up at you.Â
âYou have my permission to do that, because if I ever leave my soulmate again â itâs only the consequences of my actions,â and he kisses your forehead, before he presses his to yours, âand I donât want to live in a world where youâre not by my side,âÂ
You kiss him slowly, wrapping your arms around him, slowly heat building as the head of his cock bumps against the length of your cunt â the sparks grow into flames, threatening to engulf you both. And you would let them if only for one more second of his touch.Â
âSugu, please, I need you,â you murmur, breathing in his pants as your noses bump, âneed you inside me,â he cups your cheek, meeting in another kiss, before youâre lining yourself up, weeping cock bumping against your needy entrance.Â
âAre you ready?â You ask, and itâs for more than just this moment, itâs for everything that comes after â for every second that you both get to live together, âour phones are off right?âÂ
He snorts, âI turned it off when you entered my office,â and you laugh, shaking his head, as he places a kiss behind your ear.Â
âI did the same before I came in,â his fingers cup your cheek, as you lean into his warm palm, âjust you and me?â You echo from your first time together, and his lips curl into the softest smile.Â
âYou and me, sweetheart,â and youâre sinking onto him, tip parting your spread folds as your walls swallow him whole, inch by inch, and his fingers grasp at your hips, helping you ease onto his cock, pretty lips parted with a quiet murmur of your name.Â
And when he finally bottoms out inside you, heâs almost forgotten how good it felt â pleasure ripping up his spine as your hips are pressed flush to the other, âSo deep, Sugu, fuck,â your walls are fluttering around him pulling even deeper, clamping down as if he groans, âIâm gonna move,â you manage between pants.Â
You lift up to the tip before slowly beginning to bounce up and down, your moans filling his ears along with the squeaks and rattling of his computer chair. His eyes flutter open only to watch your breasts bounce up and down as you ride him, his hands reaching out to squeeze at the pillowy flesh, drawing a sharp gasp from your lips.Â
âSâbig, fuck, Sugu,â youâre moaning, a mess as you fucked yourself on him, but still not quite deep enough, and he begins to meet your thrusts with his own, making you fall forward holding onto him with a whine as he fucks up into you. The sounds of his balls slapping against your needy cunt ring in your ears, the grunts your pussy pulls from his mouth as he drives himself impossibly deep, ângh, Sugu, fuck, sâgoodâ,â youâre whining, back arching into his touch, nails digging into his shoulders, âplease,âÂ
âThatâs it, take my cock, pretty girl,â he murmurs, âso good for me. So tight, never going to leave this cunt at this rate, babyââÂ
And then they hear a door creak open and close nearby, freezing as they do, heart thumping against your ribs, but your wall flutters all the same, âthink theyâll see us like this?â He teases, and his cock twitches in your cunt, âspread out and fucked by your former professorâs cock?â And you know heâs only goading you as the footsteps depart, but your walls squeeze at the thought, âwant them to see how good you are for me? How well Iâve taught you to take this cock?âÂ
And he begins to fuck into you again, pistoning up into you, drawing more moans from your lips. He had taught you every inch and curve and vein of his dick, but this refresher would make sure youâd never forget.Â
âSugu, Iâm close, I-â and his hand is slipping between your bodies to rub at his clit right as his cock hits that spot that has you seeing stars as you cum hard around his cock. He watches the place your bodies meet, a white ring of cum around the base of his cock as your walls flutter around him.Â
He fucks you through your orgasm, hips stuttering as he twitches inside you, âfuck, sweetheart, where should Iââ and youâre moaning as you manage to meet his thrust to notch him even deeper as he finally cums.Â
His thick ropes paints your walls, as he rocks against you slowly, forcing his cum deeper and deeper, your name leaving your lips again and again â reverent whispers and promises muttered in your ear, as he finally stills underneath you.Â
Youâre leaning against him, mixed releases surely leaking onto his lap and the chair, both of your quiet pants filling the silence, until heâs breaking it. He kisses your lips again and again, before he stares at you â kiss bruised lips and the pretty sheen of sweat that clings to your skin, âItâs not fair youâre this perfect,â he murmurs, a thumb dragging down your lips, âhow would I have ever resisted you?âÂ
âLuckily, the universe did that for us,â and he huffs a chuckle, âand you,â you add in a small whisper, and he frowns, nodding.Â
âI did and I never will again, I promise, sweetheart,â heâs pressing sweet kisses to your burning skin, pulling you impossibly closer to him, your face buried in the crook of his neck, âIâm yours â yours to keep, yours to use, yours to love â you have my heart and my soul,â heâs cupping your cheek when you lift your head, âand Iâll never let go, because youâre the only answer to life I need, if youâll allow to be yours,âÂ
âYou were always mine,â your forehead pressed to his, âthatâs never changed, and it never will,âÂ
âYou always one up me, donât you?â And you roll your eyes.Â
âThe student has to surpass the master someday, doesnât she?â his lips curl.Â
âOh youâve done that a long time ago, Princess,â his lips graze yours again and again, and soon enough youâre shifting on his lap, until the chair buckles under the weight and the seat travels to the bottom of where itâs wheels rested. The two of you are silent a moment, before a giggle escapes your lips, âI think youâll have to get a new chair,â you murmur, and heâs chuckling, burying his face in the crook of your neck.Â
âWhy not the chair and the desk?â And youâre blinking before heâs lifting you up, before making you turn, pressing your front flush against the wood of the desk, âand if Iâm getting new furniture, I might as well use this to its full capacity, shouldnât I?â And heâs dragging his erection across your ass, âreally make sure itâs broken,â
You gasp, walls fluttering as his tip teased your messy entrance, âdonât you need broken inââ and he bottoms out in one thrust, as he presses his body against yours, lips pressing a kiss to the back of your neck, before his teeth dig into the sensitive flesh.Â
And he smirks as he hears you moan under him, as he soothes the blooming hickey with his tongue, âNo, I meant broken, sweetheart.â
âSuguru!â You called from his bedroom, as he smoothed his hair out in the bathroom mirror, a glance over his shoulder at the sound of your voice, âcan you come help me?âÂ
And how could he refuse? He steps out of the bathroom to only find you struggling with your Hakama. The formal garment hangs uselessly around your front, your brow furrowed and lips pursed.Â
He suppresses his laugh, forcing his tone to be even.Â
âDoes my incredibly brilliant girlfriend need help with her hood?â Your pout is enough for him to nearly break his promise that he wouldnât kiss you when your makeup was done, but he doesnât. Instead he takes the offending garment from around your neck, and you cross your arms.Â
âI can handle reading Hegelâs works â The Phenomenology of Spirit was irritating but doable,â and you scowl at the Hakama in his hand, âbut that thing was made to torture,âÂ
He snorts, âConsider it your last trial before graduation,âÂ
âNo, my last is seeing if my thesis was peer reviewed and accepted for publication somewhere,â you sigh, âI still have to make the editsââÂ
âThat can be a later problem, just focus on the moment right now,â he steps behind you after adjusting the Hakama and tying it around the back and front to secure it, before pressing a kiss to the top of your head, âand now you look both beautiful and properly dressed,âÂ
His arms wrap around your waist from behind, âSugu, we have to leave soon,âÂ
âJust a minute, just let this sink in,â he kisses the side of your neck, âhave I told you how proud I am of you?âÂ
âHmm, just about every second of the last few days,â you lean against him, and nothing ever felt so perfect â his arms were the only ones you belonged in.Â
And yet, why did that thought also hurt?Â
âWhat is iy, baby?â Suguru murmurs, ever too perceptive as always, âsomething on your mind,âÂ
âMore like someone,â you mumble, and youâre laying your head against his shoulder, âI canât help but feel guilty â Yuta and I just broke up and Iâmââ youâre shaking your head, âIâm so happy, and I hate myself for it,âÂ
Suguru frowns, âI donât know Yuta well, but I know he did love you, the same way I do, and I canât speak for him,â but then heâs squeezing your middle, âbut as someone who loves you, Iâd want you to be with someone who could make could make you happy,â you kiss his head, âand isnât that why he broke up with you? You both deserve that chance â even if itâs not each other.âÂ
âWhen did you get so smart?â and he pulls you impossibly closer, kissing along the neckline of your kimono.Â
âSomewhere between my bachelorâs degree and being your professor,â he adds with his lips curled in a smirk, âthough Iâd err closer to the time of being your professor,âÂ
Your head against his shoulder, you lean up for a kiss, as he blinks, before melting into your touch, as you pull back with a grin, âitâs ok if I initiate the kiss,â you chuckle when you catch sight of his pout, âdonât worry Iâll be giving you plenty after the ceremony â and maybe something even more than a kiss,âÂ
âIs that a promise?â And you tug him close, pressing another kiss to his lips â your lips were already smudged, so why hold back.Â
âAlways, for you.âÂ
Yuta knew it was for the best.Â
It had been a few weeks that he spent mourning his relationship â but he knew that it was the right choice for him. He had chased after you, it felt as if he was dogging your every step, waiting for you to notice him. And when you did, he still felt as he was your second choice â and that he would live in Getoâs shadow for the entirety of the relationship.Â
And he didnât want that. He didnât deserve that â and neither did you. More than anything, he wanted you to be happy â even if that wasnât with him.Â
It was for the best.Â
And the start to the new semester just proved that. He was starting his final year of his program, he had become the head of the student government (after Maki decided to step down to a more administrative role to focus on her degree), and he had even become a teacherâs assistant to one of his favorite professors. He didnât have time to focus on a relationship, not when he should be focusing on his future.Â
He entered the classroom that day, a little early on his professorâs request to set up the classroom with handouts, only to bump into someone, papers spilling from his hands.Â
âSorry, Iââ he leans down to pick up the dropped papers, before glancing up and finds himself looking at just thatâ
His future.Â
A few months later.Â
âYouâre late,â Suguru Geto remarks, as he shows you his watch on his wrist â the very one you had bought him for his birthday a few weeks before, âbut I should expect that by now, shouldnât I?â
You give a guilty grin, as you find your way to his side, sliding your hands up around his neck, âYes you should, especially when your girlfriend is a very important lecturer who was kept by all her students â jealous?âÂ
And he chuckles, his hair tied up in a half bun as usual, your fingers toying with a strand again, before heâs lacing with fingers with yours to press a kiss to the back of your hand, âVery â because your students are stealing my time with my very intellectual girlfriend,â and he leans down to press a kiss to the hollow of your throat, âit sounds like it was a success â I knew it would be,â he adds, âbut someone else wasnât so sure,âÂ
You roll your eyes playfully, âYes, yes, you were right â the students found my work interesting, or at least interesting enough not to fall asleep and ask questionsââÂ
âHigh praise,â and your lips curl into a smile, âWhat?âÂ
âI love you,â he grins back at you, a chuckle on his lips, as he leans down to capture them, his smile apparent against you, as he parts from you, a heat still present in the pit of your stomach, a need for him burning as it always was, âI love you so much, Suguru,âÂ
âI love you too, princess,â heâs rubbing his thumb back and forth against the length of your cheek, âGood thing too because otherwise, moving in together would be more than a little awkward,â and you pout, and heâs laughing before kissing you again and again, until heâs kissing your pout away with a languid kiss that has you melting into his grasp â breathless when he pulls away, lips utterly kiss ruined and red, âthey should be calling us into the viewing soon,â he bites his lip,and youâre nodding reluctantly if only considering whether if you could sway him for another few moments alone. Instead you settle for burying your face in the crook of his neck, lips brushing against his leaping pulse, âyouâre sure about moving to Kyoto? I had only chosen Kyoto to give you spaceââÂ
You cut him off with a glance up and a raised eyebrow, âYouâre the one who said I could choose, and I chose Kyoto because not only is it a good opportunity for you here to build your reputation as the department head, but because itâs a fresh start for us,âÂ
His fingers lace with yours, âWell if they keep asking you to lecture in Tokyo, you might develop a commute,â and you roll your eyes, before shrugging.Â
âI can handle it,â you squeeze his hand, âas long as I'm coming home to you.âÂ
âAnd a cat or a poodle,âand you light up, grinning even wider, âwe should ask if they allow pets,âÂ
âReally? We canââÂ
âI heard poodles are a good choice of pet,â and youâre leaning up to kiss him, arms wrapping around his neck, âI made an appointment for at an adoption center after this,âÂ
âMr. Geto?â a person comes out of the leasing office, âweâre ready for you both,âÂ
And you pull away, your fingers interlacing with yours and squeezing his hand, âAre you ready?âÂ
His lips curl in a smile, âI think we owe it to ourselves, donât we? Especially they agreed to take us for our viewing after you were late,âÂ
And you chuckle, as the two of you made your way inside, âI swear youâre going to leave without me one of these days if Iâm late enough,âÂ
âNo, Iâd never do that. Iâll always wait for you, sweetheart,â he holds the door open for you, pressing a kiss to the top of your head, âwe have all the time in the world after all.â And you grin at him as you walk past him, his fingers reaching into his pocket.Â
He had found out his answer to life â watching you greet and speak with the agent, before glancing back at him with a small smile and tilt of your head â his fingers toy with the ring box in his pocketâÂ
And now he just needed to know yours. Â
END.Â
Yutaâs own love story will be coming after Professor Gojoâs!Â
â§a/n: wow i'm still in disbelief i finished this series. this is my first series on tumblr, and i truly hope you all enjoyed. this part was wayyyy longer than i expected. but i hope i did the series justice.
⧠taglist: @hatsunemitskislobotomy, @difficultdomains, @diogodxlot, @that-goth-bisexual, @dazailover1900, @aliyalala @ashhlsstuff , @blue041803 , @mwtsxri , @bblgumfairy , @sukunasleftkneecap , @xo-evangeline , @fiannee , @teatreeoilll , @chalametet , @ryukaver , @d1gitalbathh , @saga3ious , @seventhcinema , @satosugucide , @your-l0nely-star , @sokkasmoon , @deegausserr , @hyookka , @oggsyy , @littlebitb , @higuchislut , @ti-mame , @itoshisins , @cerene-dipity , @onionsoop , @sinlillith , @izzythenaive , @lalacute03 , @rxndou , @c-themoon , @xxrag-d0llxx , @hqtoge , @sugarxlumps , @hopeluna , @actualdeemon , @enchantedpendant , @serendididy , @soulstealercat , @neuviloved , @simply-a-s1mp , @satorusmochis , @lalacute03
#sab [mlist]#sab series [prof suguru]#suguru geto x reader#suguru geto smut#geto suguru x reader#geto suguru fanfiction#suguru geto fanfiction#geto x reader#geto smut#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x reader#suguru geto x you#suguru x reader
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( a collection of drunken confessions dialogue prompts. adjust phrasing as necessary.) feel free to make edits to better suit your muse, but please donât edit or add on to the original post <3 if you like, please consider supporting me through tips
"You know, I always look for you in every crowd. Even when I pretend I donât care, I do. So much."
"If I fall off this roof, it'll be your fault. Because you keep making my heart do stupid things."
"You know, I only came here tonight because I heard youâd be here. How ridiculous is that?"
"No, no, you donât understand. I would actually choose you over fries. And I really love fries."
"I might regret this after the hangover, but right now, I need you to know that⊠being with you feels like home."
"This is probably just the drinks, but if I donât say it now, I might never. You mean everything to me."
"Youâre like⊠my favorite person to get in trouble with. I donât want to do it with anyone else."
"I only come to these late-night study sessions because I know youâll be here. Pathetic, right?"
"I know this isnât the place, and I might not even remember this tomorrow, but⊠I like you. Like, a lot."
"The real reason I never bring anyone else to these things? Because theyâre not you."
"Iâve had enough of watching you talk to everyone else. Maybe I want all your attention tonight."
"I might be a little tipsy, but Iâm not too drunk to know that I want you⊠in a way I probably shouldnât."
"I donât want this night to end. I donât want this moment to end, because Iâm not ready to leave you yet."
#uservolkova#dialogue prompts#dialogue prompt#romance prompts#rp prompts#prompts#story prompts#character dialogue#random dialogue#dialogue rp#otp dialogue#soft otp prompts#imagine your otp#otp ideas#otp prompt#otp prompts#fanfic idea#rp resources#city rp#indie kink rp#indie rp#indie smut rp#mature rp#rp resource#rp sentence starters#sentence starter prompt#sentence meme#meme starter#rp meme
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It's time...we're edging the sleep
Link to the full pdf document HERE (includes links)
What This Is:
A collaborative, grassroots initiative for fans of Markiplier and The Edge of Sleep to promote the newly released TV show on Amazon Prime Video to raise awareness and generate attention that will drive supporters and casual viewers alike to watch the show.
Why This Exists:
Fans of the hit podcast and followers of Markiplier (Mark Fischbach) have been anticipating the TV adaptation for years since it was announced in 2021 and have been waiting to watch the show since then. However, after radio silence since nearly after filming completed, the long-awaited show is now being dropped on Amazon Prime earlyâbefore any official promotion starts.
Many fans disagree with the confusing treatment of an adaptation they have been wanting to watch for years, the haphazard amount of pre-release promotion for the show, and the increasingly high benchmarks of instant success placed on creative material, regardless of origin, that challenges the ability of new ideas and stories to thrive and grow.
This collection of suggested guiding materials is intended to serve as a starting point for fans and advocates in taking matters into our own hands and promoting the show we want to succeed, to open doors for future creative projects for all sorts of innovators, and to bring attention to the current challenging creative environment that stifles new projects before they have a chance to shine.
CRITICAL TAKEAWAY (if you read nothing else):
Stream The Edge of Sleep on Amazon Prime Video if you can and TALK ABOUT THE SHOW. Talk about it and anything else covered in this guide as much as you can, because every bit of chatter matters in allowing this project to succeed.
(More info on steps you can take to help under the page break, or check out the full doc linked above for everything!)
Most Important Steps To Take:
Stream The Edge of Sleep on Amazon Prime Video, as well as add it to your watchlist and like the show on the platform to enhance performance metrics.
The full pdf document has information later on detailing how to access Amazon Prime Video as well as information on low-cost pricing and deals for gaining access to Prime Video, and how to use âWatch Partyâ mode to stream with others.
You can âlikeâ the show even if you donât have Prime Video and just have a basic Amazon account! Even small metrics like this impact both the front and backend impressions viewed by corporate employees.
Use the hashtags #TheEdgeofSleep and #TheEdgeofSleeponPrime on social media sites where hashtags are applicable in sharing material about the show. Share or make anything you canâmemes, art, discussions of the story, pictures, edits, or even just posts saying youâre watching the show. Truly, it all matters and helps!
Itâs important to use both tags or at the very least, the second one indicating the streaming platform. It identifies WHAT the show is and WHERE to find it, which is helpful information for those stumbling across The Edge of Sleep for the first time. Additionally, using the name of the platform frequently attracts attention for Prime Video, which can reflect back positively on the show in the eyes of the company if The Edge of Sleep is the source of the discussion.
Although it can be laborious to type out âThe Edge of Sleepâ every time and thus impulse says to abbreviate in both discussion and hashtags to âTEOS/teos,â this can hinder effectiveness as it is not a recognizable acronym to non-fans and might impact the potential of the full âThe Edge of Sleepâ title to trend on any social platform.
Share the show with anyone and everyone you think would like it, offline and in person. A personal recommendation will always be more impactful than any adâeveryone is an âinfluencerâ to someone! Also, be sure to rate the show or add it to your watchlist anywhere you canâincluding on Amazon Prime Video itself through the like function on the show page, as well as on third-party sites like IMDB or TV Guide.
Not sure how to recommend the show to someone? The brief synopsis, âfast facts,â and âpitchâ suggestions in the HELPFUL REFERENCE section of the full pdf document might help, along with thoughts of enthusiasm for the show, original podcast, or any of Markâs other projects mixed in!
Sites like IMDB allow you to rate shows and films for free, even if you havenât gotten the chance to watch them yet.
Most Important Thing To Remember:
JUST HAVE FUN!!! This is about promoting the show weâve waited for and want to succeed, opening the door for more projects we want to see, but also just about getting together as a community and making cool stuff!
Again, you can find all this info and more resources in the full Strategy doc linked here. Go forth and sleedge âł
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[id: digital art of goncharov passionately making out with andrey while holding a bloody knife with the arm he has around andrey's waist. on the same side, andrey's arm is wrapped around goncharov's shoulder, holding a lit cigarette. they are tightly holding each other's faces with their free hands.
the background is not drawn except for a few lines, but it's clear goncharov is pinning andrey against some elevated surface, as they both have one leg raised, andrey's hugging goncharov's hip.
goncharov is wearing his navy blue coat while andrey is down to his shirt, making visible that he is wearing sleeve garters and green suspenders which match the ones on his socks, as well as his tie.
goncharov has blood on his face and hands, and both he and andrey are sweating. end id]
âall the deaths could have been prevented if andrey and goncharov just had gay sexâ well what if they had gay sex and then still did the killings. i think they deserve to have some killings as a treat
#op if you see this id please copy or edit the text and add it to the original post to make it accessible :)#or the other id i just saw someone else added while i was typing this one lol everyone going crazy over gonrey and your art#i'm obsessed with the composition here and it shows#goncharov#unreality
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Iâm not sure about anyone else but I personally have a pretty hard time finding Aziraphale centric fics. Crowley centric fics are really easy to find, stuff that splits C/A evenly is also pretty easy to find.
So I think we should start a thread of Aziraphale centric fics (or at least ones where he gets to take a major role in.)
Iâll go first:
These are the Soul by MikripetraâThis is my comfort fic I love it with my entire being.
Starmaker and Starlight by NohaljiachiâThis one just made me very happy then very sad. It focuses on Aziraphale before the beginning, coming to be friends with the starmaker (angel Crowley)
Prax In Terris âby Oatmeal Addiction I love this one because it captures the spirit of good omens perfectly. Genuinely if s3 was a fanfiction this (and the other fic in this series) is what Iâd want it to be. Now it is not exactly Aziraphale centric, it does split time pretty evenly with Crowley and Muriel, but I love Aziraphaleâs role in this, and he gets to be really interesting and stubborn. (Maybe not for all readers who dislike face value interpretations of the FF though.) Itâs a wip about the second coming and Iâm very curious where the author is gonna take it.
If you want, please feel free to add any Aziraphale centric fics to this post and also please shamelessly self-rec your own fics
(Edited to add the author names and also to say thank you for everyone recommending things, it makes me and Iâm sure other Aziraphale fans very happy!)
#good omens#Aziraphale#fanfiction#itâs very hard to find Aziraphale fanficiton#or maybe thatâs just cause I personally donât like reading ones where he falls/loses some part of his angelness#I love angst but thatâs just too much#but ofc if you have any recs for those types defintily put it out here cause I know people love those stories#seriously itâs so easy to find devastatingly beautiful Crowley centric fics#but for azirpahale is like#for every trope thereâs a ratio of like#3 crowley to 1 Aziraphale centric fic.#save me I wish I could write good I would be writing so much
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Trial By Combat - 4
Requested By: No One. Original Work.
CW: Post-SAGAU Imposter AU, Mentions of killing a divine being, kidnapping, drugging, manipulating people
Summary: Your health takes a turn for the better.
Note: 4.0 Archon Quest Spoilers.
Part One Part Two Part Three Part Five
It was only under exceptional circumstances that the harbingers would return to the homeland. If one of them managed to obtain a gnosis and further the Tsaritsaâs plan, a celebration was in order. Yet even then, it would be miracle for all to appear .
However when one of Tartagliaâs subordinates returned holding the newest edition from the Steambird, the Tsaritsa ordered all of them to return Snezhnaya.
The deafening silence filled the hall, encasing the walls with anticipation. As the pages were passed to the last harbinger, they were suddenly slammed onto the table before fluttering gracefully onto the floor.
âFocalors proves time and time again that she is not worthy of being an Archon.â Arlecchino spits. âI will go there and rip that gnosis out of her dead body.â
âWait just a second.â Tsaritsa calls out. âBefore we act, we must find out if their Grace is still alive. This paper gave no details of their condition.â
âHer Majesty is right. If their Grace is still alive we need to prioritize bringing them here.â Pulcinella adds.
Arlecchino scoffs, âI can do both. Iâll get the gnosis, kill Focalors, and get Their Grace.â
âThatâs a bit ambitious. Donât you think?â Pantalone questions, his voice as sweet as honey.
Alrecchino digs her nails into her palm. âThis isnât the time to pick a fight when Their Grace could be dying in the so-called Nation of Justice.â
âI agree.â The Tsaritsa begins, âAlrecchino will go to Fontaine but the Gnosis and Focalors are not the priority. Getting the Creator back to Snezhnaya is the only thing that matters.â
ââand if Their Grace is dead? What shall we do then?â
Everyone turns to stare at The Doctor. Although none of them wanted to think about the worst case scenario, it was still something that needed to be addressed.
âThen Focalors will beg for a quick death.â
-
When you woke up, you were greeted by more Melusines. They stood resolute in your room, as if they were guarding you. While the Melusine in front of you held a tray with food on it, it was plated beautifully. It was fixed with great care and itâs easy to tell a lot of attention was put into making it perfect.
âDid Neuvillette send you all again?â Are the first words to leave your lips once you sit up in the bed.
Blathine, who stood the closest to you, nods. âMonsieur told us to watch over you.â
She slides the tray carefully onto your lap being careful to not let anything fall. You look down at the tray licking your lips, you didnât even realize how hungry you were until food was right in front of you.
âThank you.â You smile picking up a piece of the sliced bulle fruit putting it in your mouth. It was sweet and refreshing, you craved more, desperately famished.
As you eat, you canât help but notice how the Melusines get closer and surround your bed their eyes on you. You hesitate for a moment, dropping the piece of fruit back onto the plate as you wipe your mouth.
Their eyes followed every move you made, it was clear that the species was interested in humans but this felt like something else. Like how a child would act with their parent.
âI thought Melusines were responsible for guarding Fontaine?â
These five Melusines were apart of the Marechaussee Phantom, the blue uniforms and hats made it obvious.
âMonsieur Neuvillette increased the number of Gardes and Gardemeks around Fontaine so that we can prioritize your safety.â Menthe explains.
âMy safety?
âLady Furina and Monsieur Neuvillette prioritize you over everything. Everyone does.â
You want to scoff at their words, if you really were as valued as they say you wouldnât be in this hospital bed right now.
âYour GraceâŠ?â
You look up noticing a woman in a white coat standing by the door. Her blonde hair was pulled into a low bun and her red lips stretched into a welcoming smile.
âIâve been assigned as your personal nurse and Iâm here to change your bandages,â she explains. âAre you finished eating?â
You look down at the tray and the half eaten food on it. You still felt a bit hungry but having all these eyes on you made it difficult to eat. You push the tray away slightly as you nod at the woman.
The woman takes a step to enter the room but the Melusines were quick to approach as they checked her and her bag for anything suspicious.
The nurse places her bag at the foot of the bed opening it. Inside were multiple different medical supplies, bandages, and gloves. She grabs a pair of the gloves sliding them onto her slender fingers.
âHow have you been feeling Your Grace? Any pain in your abdomen?â She asks.
âNo. No pain.â You reply shifting slightly.
She looks over at you giving you another smile, âdonât worry Your Grace Iâll be quick. We just donât want your wounds to get infected.â
You lay down on your back as the nurse slowly lifts your shirt to reveal the golden stained bandages wrapped around your torso. Carefully, she begins to unravel them making sure not to cause you any pain or discomfort.
Once the bandages were fully removed, you notice her eyebrows furrow. She bites her lip slightly as her eyes dart all across your exposed skin.
âIs something wrong?â You ask feeling a sense of dread creep up your spine.
âIâ Your Grace.â She stammers, âYour wounds, theyâre already healing.â
She touches what was left of your injury with her gloved hand. The gash was already almost closed and there was no more blood leaking from it. The wound looked more like a large scratch rather than something that couldâve killed you.
âHealing!?â You reply, âAlready?â
âItâs fascinatingâŠâ she breathes out, âI never seen anything like it.â
The nurse begins to notice your discomfort, she clears her throat as she bows slightly to you. âI apologize for my behavior Your Grace. That was very unbecoming of me.â
She grabs the fresh bandages from her box and quickly wraps your abdomen back up.
âI do not believe you need these bandages anymore.â She says as she secures the bandages with medical tape. âhowever I will wrap them just as a precaution.â
Once she back away and pulls off her gloves you pull down your shirt and sit back up in the bed.
The nurse closes her bag and picking it up to put back in her shoulder. âAlthough you are healing much more quickly than expected, you should still drink plenty of water and get some rest.â
âI will inform Monsieur Neuvillette of your condition. I think by daybreak tomorrow you should be able to leave this bed.â
It was relieving to hear that you would be able to leave this bed soon. Being cooped up in the same room for days at a time was mentally draining. Especially when the only ones who visited you (excluding the Melusines) all groveled at your feet for an apology.
âEnjoy the rest of your day Your Grace,â she bows again, âI hope that you will be able to enjoy everything Fontaine has to offer you soon.â
She turns and walks towards the door, her heels clicking as she walks.
As her footsteps fade, the room grows silent again. You pull the blankets off your body standing from the bed. The Melusines watched your movements before Blathine speaks up.
âDid you have somewhere to go?â She asks tilting her head slightly. âWe have been instructed to follow you.â
âI want to speak to Neuvillette.â You reply stretching your sore limbs, suddenly not feeling anymore pain in your abdomen.
âMonsieur Neuvillette?â She repeats, âShall I bring Lady Furina as well? Sheâd love to talk to you.â
You shake your head quickly, âNo. I only want Neuvillette.â
Blathine nods as she skips towards the exit of your room.
âVery well, I will return with the Iudex immediately.â
-
For the first time ever, the Northland Bank was closed and no outside personnel were allowed to enter. In fact, no one apart of the Fatui had been seen in the past twelve hours.
Except for Lyney and Lynette.
The magical duo who are loved by everyone in Fontaine, or at least they were before people found out they were from the House of Hearth. Although their name had been cleared from that case, no one would trust anyone associated with the Fatui.
That didn't stop them from entertaining the people around Fontaine with their latest tricks.
Even after Father returned from Snezhnaya the night before.
Alrecchino's visits were always sporadic, the children understood, she was a Harbinger. However this time it felt even more unexpected. The children had never seen her look so angry in their lives but she would never take her anger out on the children. There was one person in particular that she wanted to lash out on, but she has to focus on whatâs important.
Lyney and Lynette were the ones pulled aside by Alrecchino, the task she had for them now was bigger than finding out the true nature of the Oritrace.
Yet the twins knew that a second chance will not be an option this time.
-
Getting into the hospital where you were being held would be impossible, that much was true. The level of security around that building alone was enough to rival any trial that had ever been held in Fontaine. No one would be getting into that building unless cleared by the ludex or the Archon themselves.
There was only one person that wasnât a notable figure in Fontaine that was able to enter that building. The nurse who went through so many clearances and was lucky enough to provide the Creator with any medical assistance they needed.
When she had stepped out the building, the nurse was immediately surrounded by reporters from the Steambird who wanted to know anything about the Creators current condition.
âCould you tell us anything about how the Creators doing?â
âAre they healing? Have they woken up?â
âWill we be able to see them soon?â
âI apologize,â the nurse begins as she glances around at the crowd. âI cannot give any information on Their Grace at the moment.â
The reporters visibly deflate at the news, or rather the lack of news. She pushes her way through the crowd to head towards to Palais Mermonia. The streets of Fontaine were empty, most people were too focused on The Creator to be bothered with anything else.
âExcuse me, Miss?â A voice calls out.
The nurse stops walking and turns around to see who called out to her.
It was the twins, two faces anyone in Fontaine would recognize.
Her face brightens slightly, âLyney and Lynette! I love your magic shows!â
Lyney gives her a sly smile as he takes a few more steps to be closer to the woman, his sister follows but doesnât say anything.
âIâm glad youâre a fan!â He exclaims, âMy sister and I have been working on our latest trick for our newest show. Would you mind if we showed it to you?â
The nurse hesitates, âActually I donât think I canââ
âItâs just one trick!â Lyney interjects, âIt wonât take too much time, I promise.â
âAlright fine.â She concedes, âI can only stay five minutes though. I have somewhere important to be.â
The twins exchange glances while nodding.
âVery well! Prepared to be amazed!â Lyney exclaims.
Lyney and all of his siblings knew how awful that Fatui was. The group has done unimaginable things and ruined many peopleâs lives. However, the children also knew that the Harbingers has their own aspirations that had nothing to do with the group.
Arlechinno only had the best intentions for her homeland Fontaine and the Creator, that is one thing Lyney knew for sure. So if getting the Creator out of Fontaine was the best option, then he would feel no remorse for what he had to do.
The trick was simple, something Lyney wouldnât use during one of his shows just because itâs not entertaining enough. Yet he isnât here to entertain this woman, all they have to do is keep her distracted long enough so Fatherâs plan can work.
Lyney pulls off his hat and bows to the nurse who only laughed and clapped.
âThat was amazing as always! I cannot wait to see it in your next show!â
His smile fades as he fixes his posture placing his hat back on his head. âIâm glad you enjoyed it. Iâll be sure to reserve you a special seat in the front.â
Her laughter soon died down as she stares at the twins. Their warm welcoming nature was devoured by something more malicious. The nurse subconsciously takes a step back, the hand that held onto her medical bag began to tremble. Lyneyâs face was devoid of emotion and Lynetteâs gaze seemed to be focused behind the woman.
However, she had no time to turn around. Two large hands grip firmly onto her shoulders.
âYouâre coming with us.â
The nurseâs eyes widen as the two Fatui Skirmishers forcefully pull her back towards the direction of the Northland Bank. She glances back at the twins who only watch silently as she is dragged away.
âWhat do you want?! Please donât hurt me!â She cries.
In almost a blink of an eye, the woman was gone. With no witnesses or trace of her presence, the twins didnât have to worry about being put on trial again.
Lyney sighs as he looks down at the pavement.
His sister places her hand on his shoulder, âOur job still isnât finished. We still have to deal with the traveler. They cannot intervene.â
Lyney nods at her words as he readjusts his top hat, âYouâre right. Letâs go.â
-
âYou wished to see me Your Grace?â
Neuvillette stood by your doorway as he bowed respectfully to you. He spoke in a soft tone and he refused to meet your gaze.
âYes. Thereâs something I needed to talk to you about.â You reply.
As he enters your room, the Melusines exit the room quietly leaving the two of you alone. Neuvillette stands by the window facing you. âHow can I help you your Grace?â
âIâm sure the nurse has already told you, but my wounds are healing.â You say.
His eyebrows furrow as he brings his gloved hand up to his mouth, âNo she hasnât told me anything yet, but maybe sheâs already waiting at Palais Mermonia.â
Neuvillette smiles, âbut Iâm glad to hear that you are feeling better. I will discuss your condition more with the nurse so I can make the preparations for you to leave the hospital. I want you to be as comfortable as possible in Fontaine.â
âThereâs no need for that.â
His eyes widen momentarily but his expression doesnât change, âWhat do you mean? If you donât mind me asking.â
You look down at your lap as you fiddle with your fingers. Although he was trying everything in his power to make you feel comfortable, you still felt uneasy around the man. The last time you actually had an conversation with him, he considered you a criminal.
âI want to leave Fontaine.â
An awkward silence settles around the two of you as you wait for him to respond to your statement.
âI seeâŠâ Neuvillette begins, ââŠIs there a nation in particular youâd like to travel to?â
You ponder his question for a moment, you never really thought about where youâd go after you left the Nation of Hydro. It didnât matter, you just wanted to get out of here.
âSumeru.â You reply. âThat is the closest nation, right?â
Neuvillette nods, âIt is Your Grace, but to get to Sumeru city youâll have to pass through the desert.â
âThatâs fine I justââ you pause, you didnât want to say anything that he might take offense to.
âI can make the preparations for you to leave as early as possible. I will reach out to the Dendro Archon to make her aware of your arrival.â
âIs there anything I can say to make you change your mind?â Neuvillette asks quietly.
You look away from his gaze, âNo. I donât think you can.â
Neuvillette nods as he lets out a breath, âI see⊠was there anything else youâd like to discuss Your Grace?â
You shake your head, âNo Iâd rather just be alone right now. Could you send the Melusines away too?â
You could tell by the look he gave you he wanted to refuse your request but he doesnât. He gives bows again as he begins walking back to the door.
âOh Neuvillette!â You suddenly call out.
He turns to face you again, âYes Your Grace?â
âThank you for the flowers by the way.â You say sheepishly, âtheyâre beautiful.â
You see his pale cheek grow red slightly as he quickly turns away from you. âIâm glad you liked them. Iâll be sure to bring you more.â
You couldnât help but smile at his embarrassed reaction.
âYour Grace,â Neuvillette says after clearing his throat, âI brought you another gift. Iâd be honored if youâd accept it.â
You fix your posture, interested in what this gift could be. âWhat is it?â
He gestures for Blathine to enter to room, she was holding a nicely decorated vase in between her tiny hands as she holds it out to Neuvillette. He smiles down at her as he grabs it with one hand, using the other to pat her head lightly.
Neuvillette walks over to your bedside with the vase in hand, âItâs water Your Grace. Some of the best water you can find in all of Teyvat. I collected it specially for you.â
He places the vase next to the bouquet of flowers.
âThank you Neuvillette,â you reply, âIâll be sure to enjoy it.â
As you accept his gift you notice that his mood seemed to lift, almost like you never told him you wanted to leave Fontaine in the first place. Neuvillette gives you one last bow as he heads back to the exit.
âI will return personally to check on you in the morning Your Grace.â
Neuvillette and the Melusines leave without another word. Just like before, you were left alone with your own thoughts. You could only hope that Sumeru was better than Fontaine, but Nahida was the God of Wisdom so surely she wouldnât accuse you of anything without evidence?
You let out a sigh as you relax back into the bed glancing out the window. The sky already had a orange hue signifying that the sun would be setting soon. You didnât even realize how fast the day had passed, spending all your time in this room.
ââŠYour Grace..â A soft voice calls out.
You glance over at the door, it was a nurse, but not the one you had earlier today. Under the white coat she wore an unusual outfit, wouldnât it even be comfortable working in an thing like that?
She seemed to notice your gaze on her appearance. âI apologize for my clothing Your Grace, but the matter was important.â
You stare at her a guarded look on your face, âwhereâs the other nurse? She was the one assigned to me by Neuvillette.â
She nods, âYouâre right Your Grace, but there had been a complication with your injury and I was tasked to bring you medicine.â
You raise a brow, âThe other nurse said I was healing? How could that change so quickly.â
The mysterious woman enters your room fully, her footsteps as silent as ever. You could hardly see her face as the light began to slowly drain from the sky.
âAfter checking your old bandages we are worried that an infection is already growing within your body. I brought a serum to stop it before it gets worse.â
Your eyes widen as your hand rests on your torso. An infection? Just when you thought you would be able to leave this nation, you could be stuck here even longer.
âWill this medicine heal me quickly?â
âOf course Your Grace. Your health is our up most priority.â She replies quickly.
She walks to your bedside pulling out a small bottle from her coat pocket. The liquid within it was clear as she holds it out to you.
âHere, you have to drink it all.â
You grab the bottle from her fingers taking out to cork as you smell it. The medicine had no scent. Slowly, you bring it up to your lips letting the medicine spill into your mouth as you drink it in one go.
The woman smiles as she takes the empty bottle from your hands. âWonderful Your Grace. Youâll be feeling the effects very soon.â
Your head suddenly felt heavy as if the world was spinning around you. What the hell did you just take?You look up at the woman and she just had a small smile on her lips not saying anything else.
You felt uncoordinated as you reach over to the vase Neuvillette had gifted you to take a drink of water. Maybe some water would help wash this feeling away.
The vase slips from your weak grip crashing onto the ground, the glass shatters as the water splashes everywhere. The overwhelming feeling to close your eyes was growing stronger as you take one last glance at the woman, but this time you see someone standing behind her.
This woman had white hair with raven streaks, her eyes were black with and her pupils were X-shaped.
âDonât worry Your Eminence,â the new woman says, her voice soft and graceful, âI will take care of you from now on..â
You couldnât fight the feeling anymore, your eyelids close as you rest limply in the bed.
âLady Harbinger. Itâs done.â
The Knave enters the room fully stepping over the shards of glass the was scattered across the room. She kneels down in front of you bringing her hand up to cup your face.
âTell the others to prepare the ship. We are leaving Fontaine immediately.â She whispers as if youâd wake up if she spoke too loudly.
âAnd what about Their Grace? Are we taking them back to the Zapolyarny Palace?â
âNo.â Arlechinno replies curtly, âI have other plans for Their Grace.
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© avocad1s 2023
Note: omg this took so long to get out! But I hope everyone is enjoying 4.1 update! I havenât started it yet since I wanted to finish this first but to all Neuvillette wanters (me) you will win the 50/50 <3!!
Tagging: @bittersweetorpheus @esthelily @tempestlart @angelofdarkness2 @mmeatt @dxprived4-starboys @Itm-acct @honey-lemonz @ymechi @nervouseaglelover @livelaughlovekuni @vianitry @vvyeislazzy @kbar1013 @ichiraku-verse @chaoticfivesworld @eplefugl @mabvo @g3n0dtt @shikanosn @noahrandom @haunts-gh0st @pix-stuff @riiriin @emmbny @mih3r4 @shiki-jin @owl778 @ra404 @leekingsman @ash1 @wangjiswarren @shellofthewell @f1onaa @mahi-does-some-art @bitchyfanfics-posts @emilymikado @sarah22447 @swagbucksjester
If you wish to be removed from the taglist just inbox me and I will remove you! If your @ is bolded that means I cannot tag you (unless Iâm just dumb lol)
#genshin cult au#sagau#genshin impact sagau#genshin sagau#genshin cult#sagau x reader#self aware genshin#imposter sagau#sagau impostor au#sagau neuvillette#sagau fatui
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Emh fans when they're asked to stop sexualizing Evan Jennings and his characters because it makes him and his wife uncomfortable:
hope y'all are so happy with yourself for going against his wishes and being fucking freaks to him. You're all why he's barely online anymore. you cannot behave and you cannot be normal and you all have ruined what could be a very fun fandom.
Everyone in this fandom sees Evan as a piece of meat basically, you all only care about his character because Evan is a good looking guy. I mean!! let's be real here!!! let me quiz you on the lore!!! let me see just how fucking much you know about ALL the characters. let me see how much you ACTUALLY give a shit. Because all any of you do is post about how attractive you find Evan/habit and it's honestly so annoying.
I'm not saying you can't compliment him??? or appreciate his looks?? but drawing him in sexually compromising positions, writing in great detail about what you want him to do to you (PUBLICLY. no one gives a SHIT what you fucking do in private.) Or you're fucking mixing up habit and Evan, and just acting like you know his story when CLEARLY the most of you have watched habit compilations on YouTube and NOTHING else.
You cannot even convince me otherwise because I deal with people coming in my comments all the time asking about BASIC INFORMATION. like IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE PRINCETON TAPES ????? WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK????? YOU NEED THAT FOR THE SERIES. YOU CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND HALF THE THINGS WITHOUT IT???????
This isn't saying you can't write fanfiction or shit like that this is JUST SAYING BE RESPECTFUL?????? these slenderverse actors ARE NOT A LIST CELEBRITIES. they're not like fucking Oscar Isaac or whoever people are obsessed with right now. THEY'RE NOT FAMOUS. THIS IS NICHE. THIS IS NOT POPULAR MEDIA đđđđ
Emh literally made NO money from their series, they didn't create it to gain anything like that. they created something fun and NOW YOU ALL ARE THE REASON THEY HAVE NO PART IN THIS FANDOM ANYMORE.
you robbed them of being able to love their creation and I hope you're all happy about that honestly because it seems like this fandom is only gonna get worse in this area. and I'm deeply disappointed.
edit: I would like to add one thing, Vincent caffarello had to deal with situations of extreme sexualization as well, and his got to the point to where he had to leave. Vinnie used to be very involved with the fandom, he even used to read fanfic which he had to stop doing because people would be writing characters to SEXUALLY ASSAULT HIM or others and he just couldn't continue to read things like that. He delt with minors sending him explicit photos and messages and that's literally all kinds of FUCKED UP. He did NOT want to be involved with that stuff.
It's like when Evan had someone impersonate him to try to get with minors. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT OBJECTS FOR YOU TO SEEK OUT PLEASURE WITH. THEY ARE PEOPLE.
they are HUMAN.
if they were women?? would you be doing this as much??? or would you realize how messed up it really is.
#everymanhybrid#slenderverse#emh#marble hornets#vinny everyman#vinnie everyman#habit emh#habit#jeff emh#evan emh#evan myers#evan jennings#mlandersen0#darkharvest00
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Today's the daaaaaaay~
EGG CAMP WEEK 2
The counselors said that we are going down to the lake this week! They said that we would be down there all week to swim and learn about nature and stuff like that. We're heading down to the lake on Monday.
Mg. Capybara is setting up the floaties for everyone that can't swim, Ms. Lion is get ready to teach everyone how to swim, Mr. Fox and Mr. Rabbit are setting up a nature tour, and Mr. Wolf and Ms. Panda are talking about setting up a shaded area for the campers.
I wonder what will happen?
#I forgot to add Mr. Rabbit earlier so I edited the post#anyways. What is everyone else up to at the lake?#we'll be here for a week so no rush!#not a poll
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