#will I ever run out of chronic bullshit to go through lol

[stardustedknuckles]

What do you mean it's not normal to dream during a 10 minute nap.

[fallingsunflower]

I’m going to throw my two cents in and *try* not to offend anyone because I promise I really don’t mean to. I think for the past two or so years we have gotten a lot of Harry content not only because of tour but also with pap walks, movies, and also the Holivia bullshit and people got used to the idea of seeing things and hearing about him on a consistent basis. I don’t want to say everyone is obsessed (although some are) but I do think it becomes a sort of “addiction” for some people where seeing Harry stuff makes them feel good so they keep wanting more of it. It almost like a drug. I think people freaking out about him retiring is because they are not going to get their daily “fix” of Harry and they are worried they might not ever again. I literally just saw a girl who runs a Harry social media account say that she wasn’t sure how her life was going to continue from now on and was very upset. I’m sorry but that is scary to me that some people place their entire happiness on one person. It’s great that he can ADD joy to people’s lives but at the same time he is only human and makes mistakes but also deserves to take a break and rest and he didn’t ask for the responsibility of being the ONLY source of some people’s happiness. I think a lot of the reactions are based on fear right now and not knowing how to adjust to not seeing something every day or every week and some people really need to take a step back and find some other things that bring joy besides Harry. He will be back at some point and even if he wasn’t, I’m sure there would be some sort of indication or announcement that he wasn’t. He isn’t just going to drop off to never be seen or heard from again. On another note, I disagree with whoever said Gemma doesn’t want to get married so Harry probably doesn’t want to. I always have gotten the impression he does want that one day and I’m pretty sure he has said this in several interviews before. Just because his sister supposedly thinks one way doesn’t mean he does but I don’t think he will be getting married or having kids right away. I’m sure when he meets “the one” we will at least have some fan pics of them out somewhere. Even if they aren’t public, I don’t think he would keep their existence entirely hidden so I don’t know why people are worried about that too unless it’s also a fear thing like Mod said. Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to offer a different perspective on what *might* be going on.

Oh it's definitely an addiction to some people. They're going to go through "withdrawals". I think this mainly applies to the chronically online people. I won't try to get too deep into it rn but yeah lol

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[wildlyminiaturesandwich]

Do you have pcos? or any kind of health problem that makes it hard for you to lose weight? I'm just curious, don't answer it if you don't feel comfortable

Ok so I got a couple messages asking this same thing, as well as people suggesting that “just lose weight and then try again”, so I’m gonna put a bunch of information (and I mean A BUNCH of information) under a cut here that explains everything and why “just losing weight” isn’t a solution nor is it the problem. Like, at all.

If you don’t want to read all of this, you really don’t have to. There’s a TL;DR at the bottom and I wouldn’t blame you for just scrolling straight there and skipping my rant lol

I don’t have PCOS, no, my weight is mostly a “side effect” of my mental health and years of trying different medications to help with that. Just in case some people aren’t aware, two of the most common side effects of anti-depressants are increased appetite and weight gain. That coupled with one of the two most common symptoms of chronic depression — lack of energy and motivation — means that over the years I’ve slowly put on weight.

Even though every doctor insists on telling me I’m overweight and need to lose weight as though I’m completely oblivious to my own body and such an idea as losing weight has never occurred to me before, I have in fact tried to lose weight many many times over the years with very little success no matter how healthily I ate and how much I exercised. The only time I have ever had success was back in my 20s when I switched to a gluten and dairy free diet to try to fix another issues I was having with my gut. This is why, in the past few weeks, Mr Sandwich and I have been slowly switching our diets to be gluten and dairy free.

BUT even though I am doing that, and exercising as much as I can with my limited energy, it’s not enough. I can lose weight, sure, but I can’t lose enough weight quickly (and safely) enough to be able to do IVF, which I’ll get to in a minute. So it’s not always as simple as “just lose weight”, everyone is different and despite what most people think, a lot of overweight people don’t chose to be that way. Why anyone would think that is beyond me, but a lot of people do and because of this you get people treating fat people as less than human, as though we’re not worthy of any kindness or sympathy because obviously we had to have done this to ourselves, right?

This is also why I get so annoyed when people equate being overweight to being unhealthy. The whole “overweight people are twice as likely to die early” bullshit is nonsense! Sure sometimes it’s the case, but not always. I am not medically unhealthy at all. Apart from being unable to conceive and my mental health issues, neither of which are a symptom or side effect of my weight, I am actually perfectly healthy. Over the past few years I’ve had every test anyone could come up with to try to find out why I wasn’t falling pregnant and that includes things like liver, kidney and thyroid function, cholesterol, diabetes and blood sugar tests, blood pressure, the list goes on. Everything everyone always associates with fat people, all of it was tested, and everything came back perfectly normal. I had a doctor literally say to me “If I hadn’t seen you in person, I would never have known you were overweight based on these results”, which just goes to show you how biased even doctors can be.

Warning: If you don’t wanna learn some interesting stuff about fertility and reproduction, don’t read any further.

So why am I trying IVF if I’m healthy?

Fun fact: When a woman talks about her “biological clock” ticking, it’s not even a joke; a woman’s biological clock is like a clock counting down from the moment she’s born… or maybe it’s more like an hourglass? Either way, unlike men, who can produce viable sperm from the time they hit puberty until the day they die, women have all the eggs they will every have in their entire life already tucked away in their tiny little ovaries from the moment they form as a fetus. That ovarian reserve starts at around 6-7 million follicles during the fetal stage, by the time that new baby girl is born that number has already dropped to 1 million, and by the time she hits puberty she’s only got about 300,000 left. Of those 300,000, only about 300-400 will be ovulated during her entire lifespan. That number obviously continues to decrease when a woman ovulates each month right up until they run out and that is when the woman will go through menopause, and there is no way to raise that amount either. Once the eggs run out, that’s it, there’s no more. Pretty grim huh?

By my age (35), a women with perfect reproductive health will have an AMH (Anti-Müllerian hormone, essentially an indicator of how many eggs you have) level of around 5.1 pmol/L (2.3 ng/mL) but for some reason, my ovaries seem to think I’m actually50. My AMH level is 0.3 pmol/L (0.1 ng/mL), which is considered EXTREMELY low and essentially what that means is I will never be able to conceive naturally. My only chance to conceive and carry my own biological child will be through IVF.

Now, it’s super important to note that low AMH has absolutely nothing to do with weight. There are a lot of different reasons that AMH levels can be low and they could be anything from hormone imbalance to a side effect of cancer treatments, from smoking to mumps. My hormones are normal, I’ve never had cancer or mumps, and I don’t smoke; in my case, it’s most likely due to constant and severe amounts of stress (like years and years of it). But seeing as there’s no medical way to test that, the cause of my low AMH has been deemed by my doctor as idiopathic (unknown). So while weight does have some affect on conceiving naturally, in my case it wouldn’t matter how much I weighed because my AMH level would still be low even if I wasn’t overweight.

In Australia, there are these wonderful things called Low Cost or Bulk Bill IVF clinics. At a private IVF clinic you’d be looking at about $10-15k (Aussie dollars) a cycle for IVF, but at a bulk bill clinic they can charge as little as $800! Unfortunately at these low cost clinics you’re not able to chose your doctor either, you just get whoever is available so that’s a problem too. But the way they’re able to keep costs low is a combination of Medicare rebates (Australia’s free health care system) and the fact that they don’t use full sedation during egg collection which costs a buttload of money because anesthetic. They use a combination of local anesthetic and twilight sedation, which means lower cost for the patient, it’s win win… unless you’re overweight. For reasons I have yet to figure out — because not a single clinic can come up with any reason every time I ask — most clinics demand you be under a certain weight before they’ll treat you. I’m not going to tell you my exact weight but it’s not anywhere near this stupid limit.

Another fun fact: This weight limit is non-existent in private clinics but I don’t have, nor could I get, $10-15k. The fertility specialist I spoke to yesterday also suggest bariatric (lap band) surgery as though that were an actual viable option. Like, listen lady, if I had the money for that (anywhere between $5-20k), don’t you think I would be using that to go to a fat-friendly private clinic instead of talking to your rude arse at a low cost clinic?! 

This all brings me back to the TL;DR of it:

Here’s the problem I’m facing. A year ago when my AMH (egg supply) was tested it was 1.4 pmol/L (0.6 ng/mL), which was already very low then, but it’s dropped down to 0.3 pmol/L in a little over a year, so at that rate I’m going to run out of eggs and be hitting early menopause most likely before the end of the year. At 35 years old.

Merry Christmas to me.

This has nothing AT ALL to do with my weight but for some reason these IVF clinics have a weight limit and there is absolutely no way I can lose enough weight (safely and healthily) before I run out of eggs, hence why I’m so mad. Even if I had barbaric surgery it still wouldn’t be enough time! None of these stupid clinics give a shit about that, all they keep saying is “lose weight and then come back to us”, as though I have all the time in the world!

My only options now are to a) rob a bank and take my fat arse to a private clinic. b) rob a bank, get myself some bariatric surgery and take a buttload of speed to lose weight SUPER fast, and then take myself to a low cost clinic. c) rob a bank and use the money to buy a baby. Or d) continue to do as I’ve been doing and will continue to do regardless of what happens and that’s lose weight the safe and healthy way and run out of eggs while I’m at it.

Last fun fact of the post: All of this could have been avoided had my stupid GP tested my AMH levels 5 YEARS AGO when I asked him to! It would have been low then as well but not as low so I would have had more time AND back then I would have just scrapped in under the ridiculous weight limit!

/rant

[hoyoungy]

Stimulant | RM/Namjoon

genre: comedy, soulmate au, tattoo artist au | tattoo artist!namjoon x reader summary: with immense pain comes immense pleasure, and that was definitely the case when you could feel everything your accident-prone soulmate feels word count: 2722 a/n: i had a lot of fun writing this lol. warnings include swears, mentions of sex/masturbating, and that it’s a dialogue-heavy fic. as seen on my ao3

You hated your soulmate. You absolutely hated your soulmate, and you haven’t even met him yet.

You didn’t start feeling what he felt until recently. The very first thing you felt was a cut on your hand and you started to bleed. A memorable first impression, to say the least. Then you developed more cuts, some bruises, and even muscle soreness. You thought that maybe it was all completely normal. You thought that all of this pain came with the package of finding your soulmate. But when you asked around how long until the bruising disappears, your friends just looked at you like you were crazy.

It was then you realized that maybe your soulmate was either accident prone or a masochist.

Or maybe they were both.

You would go about your normal day being extremely cautious and prepared for all the pain you would have to endure. Sometimes you would wake up thinking that maybe today would be the day your soulmate wouldn’t hurt himself. Sometimes you even sympathized - or was it technically empathized? - because there were times you had to go see a doctor when the injuries were more severe, thinking to yourself honestly, fuck you for bringing me here, but I hope you’re all right, too.

The scarring and bruises weren’t even the worst part of all of this. No, the worst part about being able to feel what your soulmate feels was the random bursts of pleasure that made you go insane. It was fine when it was night time and you were in the comfort of your home - at least that way no one could see your blushing face. But when you felt it in the middle of the day while you were at work, getting lunch, or even just fucking grocery shopping, you had to run to the bathroom so your soulmate could finish.

This morning you had a, uh, pleasant start to your day. You woke up panting, sweating, and flustered, trying to come down from the euphoria your soulmate caused all too frequently.

“Is my soulmate a chronic sex addict? For God’s sake, it’s seven in the morning!” you muttered bitterly. A shower was necessary to wash away the shame you felt for your partner.

In the shower, you enjoyed the peace and serenity the warm water gave you. It was a peaceful ten minutes that you thoroughly enjoyed until it was ruined again only moments later.

“Ow! Fucking christ!” you screamed. You saw some redness forming on your hand from inflammation caused by something. From your previous knowledge, it looked like it was from a burn from cooking breakfast.

How incredibly annoying was it that you already knew the reason for the burn?

“I’ll show you a burn.” You turned the shower handle to the hot side of the spectrum and endured the 0.2 seconds of scalding water all over your body. The pain you felt was worth the satisfaction knowing your partner’s probably cursing you out right now.

Did that make you the sadist? Or did that make you both masochists?

It was a constant battle of stimulation between the two of you that you didn’t even know what was accidental and what was on purpose anymore other than the infinite shameless times he’s had sex. Maybe he thought the same about you, too. What if he thought you were the clumsy one and he was doing the exact same thing by hurting himself to get back at you?

Kind of fucked up, huh?

“Rough morning?” your roommate asks, raising her eyebrow at you. She probably guessed by the sour look on your face as you exited the bathroom.

“Woke up to my soulmate having sex again and a burn from when he was cooking. Who the fuck has the time and energy to fuck this early!?”

“You’d be surprised,” she smirks. “Maybe he’s not having sex, maybe he’s, you know.” She gestures to you a juvenile attempt at a hand job.

“Either way, it’s annoying and embarrassing, like does he not have any shame? I can’t remember a time where I’d go at least three days without having an orgasm because of him.”

“He’s just not embarrassed to touch himself like you are, obviously…”

“Shut up.”

She wasn’t wrong. You haven’t had sex nor have you touched yourself because honestly, you’d be thinking about your soulmate the entire time, and it was embarrassing.

“You need to relax and just do it, _____. You’ve been so irritable lately, it’s driving me insane.”

“I know, I’m sorry, ok. I’ve just been so preoccupied trying to find him for months, but I’ve had absolutely zero luck!”

“Maybe that’s why. You can’t just go out looking for someone with no leads. You have no idea what you’re looking for.”

“I don’t, and I’ve never felt so lost,” you pout. “But maybe I’ll find him after today.”

“Why, what do you have in mind?”

“He’s going to hate me so much after today that he’s bound to show up.”

The malicious smirk on your lips caused your roommate to take a step back from you. “You’re not gonna, like, fling yourself down the stairs so you’d go to the hospital, are you?”

“What, no,” you said. “I’m going to get a tattoo.”

“You’re a psychopath.”

“I am not! If anything, he’s the psychopath!”

“You two are meant for each other.”

“Honestly, that’s so sweet of you to say.”

“Ow, shit!” Namjoon curses. The oil from the pan pops and hits his hand, giving him a small burn.

Immediately, a running Jin snatches the chopsticks away and pushes him aside. “What did I say about cooking!?”

“But I’m hungry…”

“Just ask next time! Look, you’re not even cooking it correctly - you’re supposed to scrape the ice off the dumpling before you put it in the pan so the oil doesn’t pop. You’re also not supposed to use olive oil for frying.”

“Ohhh…”

“I feel sorry for your soulmate. How are you even alive and functioning?”

“Yeah, how have they not tracked you down to kill you yet?” Hoseok teases, pushing Namjoon further away from the stove.

“She’s probably smart enough to know that doing so would kill her, too,” Yoongi scoffs.

“Shut up - HOLY FFFFFF -”

Namjoon couldn’t finish his sentence as he hunched over on the floor feeling like he was on fire. He struggled to turn on the faucet to run cold water on his minor burns. His inked skin was flushed a painful pink.

“What happened…?” Jin asked with wide eyes.

“I think my soulmate burned me on purpose!”

“That’s what you get for being so careless. I’m surprised they haven’t done so earlier.”

“They have! Every time I hurt myself, they hurt themselves back so I can feel it. Can you believe that!? Who hurts their soulmate on purpose!?”

“Oh, I definitely would if you were my soulmate,” Yoongi said. “I’d be pissed if my partner was chronically accident prone.”

“You guys are great friends, you know,” Namjoon said sarcastically as he dried himself off.

“Thanks!” Jungkook chimes.

“I’m going to the shop.”

“What about your dumplings!?”

“Fuck ‘em, you eat it.”

“Don’t hurt yourself too much today!” Jin calls as Namjoon walks out the door.

“Welcome!” the receptionist at the tattoo shop greeted you. “How can I help you?”

“Do you accept walk-ins?” you ask.

“Yes, Namjoon is available once he’s ready - speak of the devil.”

The door chimed as it swung open. A very tall, very good-looking man walks through the door with disheveled hair and a grumpy expression that was all too similar to yours, but somehow made him unbelievably handsome. His expression melts as he sees you and shoots you a quick wink with a dimple-y smile as he passes you.

“He’ll be your artist today. Now, because you’re alone, I assume you haven’t met your soulmate yet?”

“I haven’t. Why do you ask?”

“Those who have met or feel their soulmate need to have a cosigner that states they consent to the feeling of getting a tattoo.”

“Really!?” you said a little too loudly.

“Yes, it’s the law. So have you felt your soulmate at all?”

“Uh, n-no,” you lied. “Not yet, surprisingly.”

“Ok, well, then you need to sign these forms that state that if you’re caught lying, we have the right to report you to the authorities.”

“R-Right,” you stutter, reading the forms thoroughly before risking hundreds of dollars in fines and possinly jail time.

“All right, then you’re all set! Namjoon will call you when he’s ready.”

You sit in the waiting area impatiently tapping your feet. Your nails dig crescents into the palms of your hand unapologetically, with you not worrying about if your soulmate could feel it. To be honest, you were completely terrified about getting your first tattoo. You thought about the design in your car for like, ten minutes and thought up a bullshit reason in case they asked.

It’s not like you were going to tell them you were getting a tattoo out of spite. How crazy would that make you look?

I mean, of course you were crazy, but you didn’t want anyone to know that.

“_____?” The man named Namjoon asked.

His arms were now exposed as he settled into the shop, showing you nearly a dozen or so on his sleeve. Even from far away, you could tell how intricate they were, telling you that it must’ve taken hours to complete each one. Your eyes widened, sympathizing with his soulmate, that poor person…

“Are you ready?” he asked you.

“Yeah,” you sigh, hesitation evident in your voice.

“Scared?”

You take a seat and watch him prep his needles and ink. Why were there so many tools…

“Y-Yeah,” you stutter. “Does it hurt…?”

“Oh, yeah, like a bitch,” he chuckles. “No matter how many tattoos I get, they all hurt as much as the last, although the very first one is unforgettable.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I’m just being honest! You’re here now, no use turning back, right?”

“I suppose… Has your soulmate ever felt any of those?”

Namjoon sits across from you and gives you another smile with his heart-stopping dimples. “No. I got these way before I even started to feel them. I haven’t gotten one since the day I started to feel.”

“How come?”

“Well, I haven’t met them yet. I’m also an extremely clumsy person, so they experience enough pain from me,” he chuckles. Man, did you definitely related to his soulmate all too well. “I could never ask them to go through with a tattoo if they’ve never had one yet.”

“That’s very considerate of you.”

“I suppose it is. It’s the least I can do.” Namjoon rolls his chair close enough for you to smell his intoxicating cologne. “So what am I drawing on you today?”

“Just an outline of a crescent moon.”

“Simple. I like it.”

“To be honest, I thought of the design in the car,” you said, scratching your arm nervously. “I just want to get the feeling out of the way before I meet - feel my soulmate.”

“That’s cute,” he chuckles again. “All right, this shouldn’t take longer than five minutes.”

He put on some nylon gloves and shaves the part of your arm where you want the tattoo. His hands are warm and comforting, easing your nervousness, although it quickly came back when he buzzes the needle.

“Oh, shit,” you whisper. Were you making a big mistake? Were you taking your pettiness too far?

No, you had every right to…

“Ready?” he asked.

“No.”

“Good enough. It’ll only hurt for a few minutes.”

When the needle touched your skin, you nearly blacked out.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” you screamed.

“Ow, fucking hell!” Namjoon screamed, too.

You both swung your heads to look at each other with wide eyes. At first you were extremely confused. The only reason Namjoon would be screaming in pain is if his soulmate was doing something reckless. Was it a coincidence that he felt pain as you were getting a tattoo? But then it clicked in your head that it was, in fact, you who was being the reckless soulmate.

“You!” you both said, pointing to each other accusingly.

“You’re my soulmate!? Are you fucking kidding me?” you sigh. “Boy, do I have a lot to say to you.”

“You have a lot to say to me!?” You look at him with a blank expression and your glad to see that he nods his head understandingly. “Ok, yeah, I probably do deserve a mouthful…”

“Yeah, you do.”

“But ~ you did just lie about not feeling your soulmate! I could report you!” You silently slump in your seat with a pout on your face. “But you’re really cute, so I won’t.”

“Normally, I’d be flattered, but I’m a bit angry at you at the moment.”

“All right, let me hear what you have to say about my clumsiness.”

You sighed, collecting all of your thoughts. “First of all, how?”

“It’s an innate gift I’ve been given.”

“Do you see all of my bruises?” You rolled up your pants to expose your purple shins. “And this cut?” You point to a healing scar on your cheek. “And this burn on my hand from this morning? What were you even making?”

“The, uh, dumplings had ice on them, so the oil sparked.”

“Frying ice, of course my soulmate would do that.”

“I’m not good in the kitchen, ok,” he frowns.

“Second question, do you have a girlfriend or significant other or enjoy frequent nights out in the town?”

He raises a curious brow at you and you try to suppress any current thoughts about his handsomeness that distract you from seeing him as anything other than irritating at the moment. “Are you making sure that I’m all yours?”

“No, I’m asking you why you have sex almost every day at the worst times.”

“Oh, that!” he said, bursting into a fit of laughter. How he was not even at least a little embarrassed amazed you. “Well, to make things clear, I don’t have a girlfriend, or significant other, or enjoy midnight reandezvous.”

“Then what the fuck are you doing - Oh…” You paused. If he didn’t do any of those, then that meant… The growing smirk on Namjoon’s face only confirms your assumption. “Really? You masturbate every day!?”

“Relax, it’s not every day. As you said, I do so almost every day.”

“Do you know how embarrassingly frustrating and also hilariously ironic it is when I’m picking up an eggplant at a grocery store and I can feel you doing your business?”

“But you like it, don’t you?” Namjoon leans his face close to yours. Close enough that you could feel his breath tickle your cheek. “Doesn’t it feel good?”

“Of course it feels good, it always does, but I like to plan my orgasms, thank you.”

“But that was the beauty of it, my dear. Knowing that as I’m touching myself, somewhere out there, you were enjoying it as much as I was. It’s intoxicating.” He licks his lips and suddenly your mind became hazy. “Didn’t you enjoy it this morning?”

“Yes,” you stated plainly, though blushing deeply.

“Of course you did. In fact, I can already feel that you’re aroused just by the mere thought of it,” he teased. “Imagine the euphoria we could feel together. It’d be twice as ecstatic, wouldn’t it?”

“If you’re that curious, let’s find out.”

“Wait, Really!?”

“After this tattoo.”

“I’ve been meaning to give you a mouthful about that, too,” he said. “How dare you hurt yourself on purpose just so I could feel it. Does that make you the sadist between the two of us?”

“You know, I’ve thought about it before, and I think me getting a tattoo done by you confirms it.”

“After all the pinching, shower burns, and nail-digging,” he paused, showing you the indented crescents on his palm. “I think so, too. Though of course, I will admit to being the fuel to the fire.”

“So long as you acknowledge it.”

“Let’s get this tattoo over with so we can get to the real fun, shall we?” he smirked.

“Can I get some lunch or dinner before that, at least? Where’s the chivalry?”

“How rude of me. I’ll need the energy, anyways, I skipped breakfast this morning.”

[absolute-barbarism]

2, 6, 12 for Marcello, 4, 6, 19, 27 for Jacques, 6, 12 for Cas? ~ 👀

[oh SHIT these are so many questions I feel so blessed…also you must have liked question 6 LOL teasing. Thank you for sending this in man!!!]

Marcello

2. What is their pain tolerance? Do they close their eyes and block it out, or go into a full blown panic?

Oooooh, that depends…If he knows something is going to hurt, he can usually calm down and get it over with by not thinking about it at all. And a few things are selective; being beaten, slapped, things like that have scarily little outward affect on him (mainly because he’s not afraid of what he already knows whoops have i said too much-)But pain he doesn’t know the source of, or didn’t see coming? Horrifying concept to him. He would fall apart and panic if he was ever shot or stabbed, or met with some sort of bodily pain that he doesn’t know why he’s experiencing. He hates torture porn movies like Saw and commonly worries about being put into a situation like that. Case in point, he would rather never feel pain at all and does a semi decent job at making it look like he doesn’t care, but once he’s pushed past his limit, he can’t calm himself down at all.

6. How easily do they cry? Is it different alone vs in public?

A lot easier than you would think. He’s actually far more prone to crying in front of people as opposed to alone, as solitude has always been a form of coping to him. The quickest way to work him up is to betray him, which is a hard task since it’s so difficult to earn his trust in the first place. Talking about his deeper feelings out loud also has a tendency to make him feel overly vulnerable and emotional, and if you really wanna see him cry, be one of his students. Whenever they’re hurting, he’s hurting a hundred times worse and does everything in his power to fix their problems, even if it looks impossible to solve.

12. Do they have someone they trust during their own time of need, or do they prefer to handle it alone?

Marcello’s accompanist is a character my lazy ass has yet to fully develop or name, but I want him to fill this exact role. He’s calm, patient, pretty much the exact opposite of Marcello in almost every way, and that’s why he needs him. When there’s a problem in his life, he wants to hear a voice that isn’t his own nagging at him, one that will suggest the best resolve even if it isn’t one he wants to accept. He treats his accompanist with the utmost respect, although refraining from confiding in him often as he’s scared of burdening him with too many problems.

Jacques

4. What are the most telltale signs that they’re sick or injured?

Everything. This man believes he is the height of subtlety. He is not. When he’s sick, he’ll barely say a word even against Cedric’s teasing, which comes to a slow once he starts to realize Jacques doesn’t feel well, and he’ll take frequent breaks outside or in the bathroom just to have a moment and gather himself. Which proves pretty fruitless once he returns to the kitchen and starts coughing all over again.

When he’s injured, say a problem with his shoulder for example, it’s pretty much the same story with very little talking and breaks to get himself together. The only difference is that he’s visibly frightened as he goes about his duties- Jacques is even more scared of pain than Marcello, easily the most scared out of the bunch. This is the kind of thing that Cedric will notice immediately and either demand he or Jacques take care of it or that Jacques goes home to rest, met with an argument that Jacques can’t keep up with because he’s in pain and concedes pretty easily.

6. How easily do they cry? Is it different alone vs in public?

Not very easily at all. It would take a lot of effort to even get him to the point of trying not to cry. He’s a grown man, been through loss, disappointment, anguish, etc…but he isn’t very used to blaming himself. With Cedric, his pride is already challenged in all sorts of ways. Every now and then, he’ll say something out of retaliation and see it visibly hurt Cedric’s feelings, creating a sort of heavy guilt in his chest that he would normally chalk up to the other person deserving it. Apologizing is when he gets the most emotional, tearing up and blinking it away to apologize properly, which Cedric will point out as a half hearted joke and reignite their “hate how much I love you” relationship all over again.

Jacques is probably a bit more prone to crying if he’s by himself, being the chronic worrier that he is and only making it worse when he’s alone. It’s a damage to his dignity, but he’d rather let himself feel upset without anyone watching than risk losing face.

19. Are they honest to themselves, or do they ignore feeling hurt or sad?

It takes a certain kind of problem for Jacques to ever be honest with himself. I’m in love with this annoying brat who can’t keep his mouth shut? No, no, that’s totally false. I feel embarrassed about my accent and cultural differences? Non, it’s the Americans who are wrong.

After accepting his anguish and guilt over Celeste’s death, Jacques has been able to acknowledge when he feels a certain way, but it’s typically only over a grave problem. If he really thinks he has a right to be hurt or sad over something- which is almost never- he’ll let himself feel that way and take some time to himself. However, it’s usually Cedric that has to point out to him how he isn’t even acknowledging painful things that have happened, and that’s something he deeply appreciates him for, although he can’t deny feeling fed up that someone so much younger gives him so much emotional advice.

27. Have they overworked themselves into sickness or collapse before?

YES HE HAS THANK YOU FOR ASKING OMG

Jacques is a very hard worker, deriving a lot of his pride from his accomplishments and his standing among coworkers. Unfortunately, he didn’t feel too proud when he woke up on the ground next to the oven one day with about eight people standing over him (this sounds like the start to one of my fanfictions i’m gonna try to keep this brief lol)

During the week where a third of the kitchen staff was out with the flu, Jacques took over a great deal of responsibility and a lot more hours than he was used to, with too much time spent working to realize he was coming down with it too. All he remembered before his collapse was Cedric telling him something about using the wrong knife, then grabbing it from his hand and yelling, and then he suddenly woke up on the floor. Needless to say, Cedric took him home after that. For more deets, call 1-800-absolute-barbarism.

~Cas~

6. How easily do they cry? Is it different alone vs in public?

It takes so much to make this man cry- luckily, so fucking much happens in this OCverse. Cas is good enough at controlling himself to hardly risk getting emotional, but alone he either numbs himself out or breaks down, the latter having happened once already in his office after the announcement of Carter’s escape from prison.

If he’s out of it enough he can get pretty emotional in front of other people, though. Too sleep-deprived, too much caffeine, too stressed in general, once all of the above has been met he can pretty much just start talking about how upset or scared he feels without even realizing who’s around him. When he gets this out of it, you could literally say anything to him and he’ll forget about it three seconds later. The squad finds this terrifying, thankfully a rare occurrence, and will usually beg him to go home until he finally does, although they know he’s not going to sleep there either.

12. Do they have someone they trust during their own time of need, or do they prefer to handle it alone?

He would prefer to handle it alone, but Charles is the least tolerant of his bullshit. He knows exactly how Cas can get when he’s upset about something deep and has a decent ability to point out exactly what it is. On top of that, he and Cas are closest in standing despite Charles being of a lower rank than most, giving Cas very little to scold him with about his informality and will instead just stand there and listen while Charles tells him he needs to get his shit together.

When he does deliberately go to him though, Charles listens with an open heart, despite being known to probably like Cas the least. He knows from the director that Cas is a special case, not just in skill but in who he is, and does his best to offer the easiest solutions to help his current situation, although it’s not always best in the long run.

Thank you so much for these questions again!! 

[spiritualdirections]

Professional women today are as unhappy as their suburban housewife grandmothers. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“The Ambition Collision,” by Lisa Miller is one of the more read articles on the New York Magazine website. It compares the malaise that professional women feel today with the malaise of the suburban housewife Betty Freidan characterizes in The Feminine Mystique.

What is this midlife crisis among the 30-year-olds I know?  Millennial women — at least those who reside in professional bubbles — seem to have it all. They are better educated, more prosperous, less encumbered by cultural expectations than any previous generation of women. They delay marriage (if they marry at all) and children (if they choose to conceive). They can own or rent. They can save or spend. These women have been on familiar terms with their ambitions all their lives — raised by careful parents to aim high (millennial women are likelier than their male peers to have professional jobs, to be managers, and to work in finance), and tutored by their cultural icons to perform their empowerment, and never submit. You know, “Bow down, bitches,” as they say.

So why are the well-employed, ambitious 30-year-olds of my acquaintance feeling so adrift, as discontented as the balding midlife sad sacks whose cliché dissatisfactions made Updike rich? The women complain of the enervating psychic effects of the professional treadmill as white-collar piecework and describe their dread as they contemplate bleak futures — decade after decade, they imagine, unfulfilled. After a lifetime of saying ‘yes’ to their professional hunger — these are the opportunity-seizers, the list-makers, the ascendant females, weaned on Lean In — they’ve lost it, like a child losing grasp of a helium balloon. Grief-stricken, they are baffled too, for they have always been propelled by their drive. They were the ones who were supposed to run stuff — who as girls imagined themselves leaving the airport in stylish trench coats, hailing a taxi with one hand while holding their cell in the other.

Who ever said that work should be the be-all?

Now, “there’s no vision,” one woman said to me. “Nothing solid,” said another. Limp, desperate, they fantasize about quitting their good jobs and moving home to Michigan. They murmur about purpose, about the concrete satisfactions of baking a loaf of bread or watching a garden grow. One young woman I know dreams about leaving her consulting job, which takes her to Dubai and Prague, to move back home and raise a bunch of kids. Another, an accountant with corner-office aspirations, has decided to “phone it in” for a few years while she figures out what she wants to do. Mostly, though, these women don’t bail out. They are too responsible, and too devoted to their wavering dreams. They stay put, diligently working, ordering Seamless and waiting for something — anything — to reignite them, to convince them that their wanting hasn’t abandoned them for good. Any goal would do, one woman told me: a child, a dog — “even a refrigerator.” People have been motivated by less.

Get a grip, I want to tell them, for I am old enough to be, if not their mother then their world-weary aunt. Who ever said that work should be the be-all? You work for money. The money you earn pays the rent. You are the very, very lucky few, in possession of the jobs and apartments that every tier-one college student wants. But the more I listen, the more I think I hear in these young women’s voices the echo of something familiar — the complaints of a long-ago generation but in reverse. The female dissatisfaction chronicled by Betty Friedan in The Feminine Mystique was prompted by a widespread awakening to the bullshit promises of domestic happiness, manufactured by culture to make female containment look good. Now another bullshit promise has taken its place, and another generation is waking up.

Here’s some thoughtful commentary from an MIT student:

Last night, I was reading some articles from “The Cut”, a section of New York Magazine. I came across this one, titled “The Ambition Collision” by Lisa Miller. It's one of The Cut's most read articles, and describes how a generation of professional millennial women face a strange, unexplainable burnout. They seem to lose their motivation and desire after a few years in the workforce, or at once on entering it. ...What intrigued me about the article is what the author said after describing this problem, which is that, while those external struggles exist, there’s still a deeply personal perspective problem that everyone has. I’ll let the article explain itself here:

“The lesson of The Feminine Mystique was not that every woman should quit the ‘burbs and go to work, but that no woman should be expected to find all her happiness in one place — in kitchen appliances, for example. And the lesson for my discontented friends is not that they should ditch their professional responsibilities but that they should stop looking to work, as their mothers looked to husbands, as the answer to the big questions they have about their lives. “I think possibly work has replaced ‘and they got married and lived happily ever after,’ and that is a false promise,” says Ellen Galinsky, co-founder of the Families and Work Institute. “Everyone needs to have more than one thing in their life. We find people who are dual-centric to be most satisfied. If people put an equivalent stress on their life outside of their job they get further ahead and are more satisfied at their job.””

Though this insight was shared through the lens of writing about women’s issues, I think it’s a useful thing to think about for everyone. After graduating high school and moving into college, I graduated in a lot of other ways too. Some were expected--I reached new levels of independence and capability. Some were unexpected, like new reaching new levels of confidence, or weird, like a new level of defining myself and understanding the depth of my identity. And somehow, I seemed to reach a new level of sadness or discomfort too. Adult feelings somehow are more complicated than kid feelings, and I still haven’t figured out why. It’s not that I feel more or less happy than when I was child (although probably it’s a little bit less, lol) but it’s that, as a child you at least always know why you’re unhappy--denial of ice cream, the onset of sleepiness, a little brother that destroys your things. Unhappiness is for the most part temporary and usually defined by a single moment.

Adult unhappiness has seemed to involve many more themes, where the same feelings always worm their way into whatever sadness I’m feeling that day, even if they have nothing to do with why I’m sad in that moment. It feels a little more chronic. Maybe it’s because of passage of time, and accumulating many more things to be unhappy about over the years. Sometimes sadness is unexplainable, like those women in The Cut article, just a strange listlessness that I can never articulate very well.

Sometimes coming to MIT feels a little bit like hitting a ceiling too. At least in my case, MIT was a goal I worked on for a full 7 years (I first started reading the blogs in middle school, lol). A sentence from this article stands out to me: “It’s as if the women have cleared spaces in their lives for meteoric careers, and then those careers have been less gratifying, or harder won, or more shrunken than they’d imagined.”

MIT was certainly hard won. And I had known, at least superficially, that what I was doing was kind of insane--I worked really hard to get into a place where I would have to work even harder. I think what I hadn’t prepared for was just how dissatisfying it can be to have hard work feel fully wasted. Freshmen year there was a lot of studying for days to barely pass, rather than studying for days to at least get a decent grade. But now that’s mostly over--my classes are in the field I most enjoy, they’re interesting, and though they’ve certainly required hard work, my academic life is a little more balanced. So why does that feeling of burnout, dissatisfaction, listlessness still hit? (it’s always in November or February....)

Maybe it's because as a student, life is still pretty centered around work. But things outside of work aren't always great either...

As Pascal said, all people complain, even those at the top of society. The world is fallen, and so it doesn’t live up to our desires that it not be fallen. And nothing in the world can make that fallenness go away. We’ll eventually all feel this if we are sensitive and thoughtful and realistic, if we don’t just distract ourselves from it. Not even a great university or great career or great apartment can make us deeply happy.

[obsidiancorner]

Tag Meme

I was tagged by the stellar @astroshorts. Thanks for the tag, my lovely. xoxo

The last…

Drink: Pomegranate Seltzer Water

Phone call: I missed a phone call from my boyfriend earlier when he was at the store. The last person I actually talked to, though, was my beloved little sister (I don’t care if I’m only a minute older. She’s the only little sister I get dammit.)

Text message: Also my sister

Song you listened to: Semi Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind

Time you cried: two words: Story Core. That shit had me in tears.

Have you ever…

Dated someone twice: I have, in fact, dated Rob twice. 

Kissed someone and regretted it: yep.

Been cheated on: Yep

Lost someone special: Yes. Both grandparents on my mom’s side were incredibly special people and I miss them both dearly. 

Been depressed: short answer- yes

Gotten drunk and thrown up: Yep. In my early-mid twenties, I was friends with a functioning alcoholic and she would always con me into trying to keep up with her... because I was stupid, I tried. It never ended well. DO NOT DO IT. Your liver will thank you. 

Three favorite colors: Blue, purple, and green

In the last year have you…

Made new friends: I joined Tumblr this year, so all my mutuals count (I think?) but I’m especially close to a few of them. 

Laughed until you cried: In this house and/or with the sister I have? Absolutely. There is a lot of laughter in this house, despite the chronic depression that my entire family is plagued with. 

Met someone who changed you: Yes. They didn’t make me. They just inspired me to be better and I changed for the better as a result. 

Found out who your friends are: the ones who constantly support me and push me on, despite my insecurities. 

Kissed someone on your facebook list: Aside from Rob (because duh), no. 

Do you have any pets: A beautiful dilute torbie (cat) named Kokomo and a Shi-chon named Sadie. 

Do you want to change your name: My last name eventually... maybe? I don’t know if Rob and I will ever marry... but aside from that? No. 

What did you do for your last birthday: Sat at home, probably perusing Tumblr.

What time did you wake up: I’m a parent of a child on the Spectrum who keeps absurd sleeping hours... I couldn’t even begin to tell you. It was still dark and I hadn’t had my coffee yet so brain functions were at a bare-minimum, so there’s that. 

What were you doing last night at midnight: Watching That 70′s Show with Rob before bed.

Name something you can’t wait for: the day I can get my drawing tablet

When was the last time you saw your mom: I live with her because Rob and I need help with Jenna. She requires constant supervision and is usually a two adults to one kid ratio requirement. 

What are you listening to rn: Rob is watching Season 2 of The Walking Dead right now so lots of screaming and zombie gurgles?... it’s just kind of on in the background. So is the home screen tinkling of the PS4, the occasional popping of the carbonation in my seltzer water, and the clickity-clack of my typing. 

Have you ever talked to someone named Tom: There were several “Thomas” boys in my school growing up... So occasionally from elementary school up until high school graduation. 

Something that gets on your nerves: people that bully others online.     -> this was astroshorts’ answer and I’m leaving it there because I’m the one who argues for or helps support the one being bullied. Anon posters get argued for because they probably won’t come out to defend themselves... hence anon to begin with... but if it’s someone who will fight back on their own? I just give support. 

Most visited website: Tumblr, my Google Drive, and my Redbubble store after I’ve posted anything about it. AO3, as well, when I post stuff. What can I say? I’m addicted to the sinking feeling when a piddly amount of views come in... That’s a lie. I’m usually painfully optimistic only to have that optimism squashed. lol *shrug* oh well. 

Hair Color: a medium brown.... It’s my natural color. 

Long or short hair: I usually keep my hair long. an inch or two below the shoulders at a minimum. Usually it’s around the small of my back. 

Do you have a crush on someone: Rob, I guess? Does it count if you’re in a committed relationship with the person? 

What do you like about yourself: I’m opinionated... And whichever person hit my inbox with that comment about loving reading my opinions on stuff, I freakin’ love you. Your Anon comment made me cry. 

Blood type: A Negative. 

Nickname: Beccaboo. Got it in band in high school and it’s just sorta stuck. 

Relationship status: Long-term committed relationship 

Zodiac: Cancer sun, with Mercury and Gemini heavily influencing my whol chart. 

Prounouns: she/her

Favorite tv shows: iZombie, The Walking Dead (and Talking Dead), That 70′s Show, 

Tattoos: 4- A gemini sign (gemini/cancer cusp but mercury is heavy enough an influence that my cancer sun doesn’t show much) on my right shoulder, a star pattern on the small of my back, an autism one on my left side, and a locked heart on my left wrist.  

Right or left-handed: depends on what I’m doing. For writing, right. For almost everything else, left.-> oddly enough, astroshorts, same. 

Surgery: Tonsils when I was 6. 

Sport: Horseback riding and Marching Band. Anyone who says people who march don’t have any athleticism, I call bullshit. Marching Band members put in long hours of constant marching and playing through a week. They work not only arms and legs, but lung capacity as well. It takes an incredible amount of effort to be a good marching band. That means keeping up top lung performance at the 7:59 time mark as you did before the first minute of an 8-minute show is through. I can promise you that after having marched, sometimes with ungodly spiteful step size, for that long, even a football player would be saying that what band members do takes athleticism. Fact. We had several football players in our band who had to skip their halftime talk with their coach to march with the band. And that’s not even mentioning constant playing through parade routes that can range anywhere from one to three miles in length on average. Marching Band is a goddamn sport. 

Vacation: I’ve been to Australia, the Continental Divide in Colorado, all over Ohio, Washington D.C., North Carolina, New York City, Illinois, Lake Huron in Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, and the Great Smoky Mountains in Tennessee. I want to go to Greece though.  

Pair of shoes: My Converse sneakers. They have a nifty design on them. I also have a super-comfy pair of stilettos that I love dearly. 

Eating: what about it? I used to not and was in the “target weight range” but looked sickly because of malnourishment. Now I do eat and am somewhat overweight but look and feel much healthier. For clarity, it wasn’t really an eating disorder. I ate when I was hungry but was always stressed so I almost never ate. I would go days without eating before realizing I hadn’t eaten in forever and would eat a bowl of cereal or a couple slices of pizza. 

Drinking: only on select nights when I “wine and write”... alcoholism runs in my family so I definitely don’t make a habit of drinking too much. In my youth it was something to do with the crew... now it’s just me and my characters every so often. Never to handle a problem. that’s a slippery slope I have no business being on. 

I’m about to: go to bed, probably. it’s 10:58 pm at this moment. 

Waiting for: the day I can get a better computer for art and my drawing tablet. 

Want: the drawing tablet, in the most immediate sense. In the long term, though, it is to know that Jenna will eventually be able to make on her own. Rob and I won’t be around forever and I worry about what will happen to her when we are gone. If we can’t get her current path altered to one better suited for her needs, I’m terrified of what will happen to her if something were to happen to me and Rob prematurely... even more so when we are all older. 

Get married: Maybe someday but Rob and I are in no rush to even get engaged. We love each other deeply and are in a committed relationship and that is good enough for us. 

Career: Right now I’m a stay-at-home mom. But I would love to get an art career to take off... though the odds of that are slim to none. 

Which is better:

Hugs or kisses: hugs. I’m picky about who touches me at all... so I’m especially picky about who is kissing me. 

Lips or eyes: eyes

Shorter or taller: I’m 4 feet 10 inches tall (1.47 meters for my metric friends) so take a guess... I need someone taller to help me reach shit.

Older or younger: older

Nice arms or stomach: arms. Dear god, arms. 

Hook up or relationship: relationship

Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant... I guess? I tend to keep my nose pretty clean. 

Have you…

Kissed a stranger: No

Drunken hard liquor: I’m 29...

Lost glasses/contact lenses: I don’t have either... though I probably should... It’s getting harder to see some things clearly. White lettering on a tv’s guide screen? difficult from too far away. Digital clocks? tough to decipher from too far away. I used to be able to read that stuff from another room. 

Turned someone down: Yes

Sex on the first date: Yes.... but we had been friends for years so it wasn’t exactly the same as, say, a blind date that ended in a one-night stand. (No judgement. You all do you... just make sure you’re protected.)

Broke someone’s heart: Yes. Bonus points for me for two people breaking each other’s hearts simultaneously. I’m an over achiever and he was too. But I miss him, even though it could never have been... both of them, actually. timing is a bitch sometimes. 

Had a broken heart: Yes... see above

Been arrested: Nope but I did grow up in a small town and worked as a third shift server at a local restaurant so they let me sit in the back of their cop car while they chatted with me while I was on break once. They were fun cops... went to high school with one. 

Cried when someone died: yes... isn’t that fairly commonplace when someone who is close to you or you love dies?

Fallen for a friend: Rob was a friend for years before we started dating. I’ve known him for almost 15 years and we’ve been together for 10. Other than Rob, though, a couple times. See mutual heartbreak comment a few bulletpoints above.  

Do you believe in:

Yourself: No

Miracles: I believe stuff happens that has no viable explanation at present. That doesn’t necessarily equate to a miracle though. It just means it can’t be explained right now. 

Love at first sight: No

Santa claus: Who made this meme?

Kiss on the first date: Of course.

I’m going to be a fun-sucker and not tag anyone else because my primary circle is in the Dragon Age fandom and I know most of them have already done it. If anyone WANTS to do this, of course, feel free and say I tagged you so I can see your answers! <3

[eldritchsurveys]

296.

At what time of day do you normally feel the best? >> There’s no specific time of day when I feel best; the way I feel is dependent on too many other factors.

Do you normally have to hem pants? >> No.

Name one reason why someone should not commit suicide. >> I can’t name reasons for someone else.

What would you do if you had no one to love and support you? >> I would survive, as I always have. Going through shit alone has never killed me before, why would it suddenly do so now?

If you didn't have love and support, would you feel life was worth living? >> The good thing about going through long periods of time when I had no one to turn to is that it taught me that in the end, it really doesn’t matter. Either I want to live, or I don’t. And if I do, then I’d best stop worrying about what I don’t have, and get on with using what I do have.

If you had no family nor friends nor money, would u feel life's worth living? >> I’m just going to refer to the above answer, because it covers all bases (especially seeing as... I have definitely been without all of the above and still kept going for my own sake).

If you're unhappy, what would it take to make you fulfilled? >> Sometimes nothing. Unhappiness doesn’t always have a cure, sometimes it’s just an irrational feeling. Also, one could argue that unhappiness doesn’t have a cure at all -- everything you think makes you less unhappy is just distraction. But, I mean, it’s really just whatever you believe.

What was the last thing that upset your stomach? >> Alcohol.

Do you have to go the pharmacy a lot? >> No.

Are you sunburned? >> No.

Do you wish someone loved you? >> Honestly, it doesn’t matter much either way.

Do you call yourself stupid often? >> Not often. I make an effort to avoid that kinda bullshit self-talk.

What's a song you love? >> Uhh... Falling Snow by Agalloch.

Do you miss anyone who was mean to you? >> Not, like, chronically mean to me, no.

Name someone you know who is a cancer survivor. >> I don’t know any cancer survivors.

Are you friends with any cancer survivors? >> No.

Does God often answer your prayers? >> ---

How was your day today (or yesterday, if it's morning)? >> It’s been fine. Finally caught up on Pose.

Do you wish the sunrise and sunset lasted longer? >> No.

Would you want to relive your childhood again? >> No.

Were your college years the best years of your life? >> I didn’t attend.

Would you rather re-live high school or college? >> You’re joking, right?

What is the dumbest sports-team mascot you've heard of? >> ---

Are you a sports fan? >> I’m not.

Where do you feel like you fit in the most? >> I don’t know, I never gave it much thought.

What would you most like to do at a renessaince faire, if you were a worker? >> I don’t know enough about Ren faires to have a thought about this.

Do you hate social classes? >> No.

Do you think talent should have anything to do with social class? >> Talent doesn’t have anything to do with social class. Success in one’s chosen field does, regardless of talent.

Name a country who's history you know nothing about. >> Cameroon.

Name a religion you know nothing or very little about. >> Zoroastrianism.

Don't you hate know-it-alls? >> Not really. I just ignore them.

What is your favorite store at the mall? >> I don’t have one.

When was the last time you went to the mall? >> I went last week, to see The Dead Don’t Die.

Do you have a bed or do you sleep on a mattress on the floor? >> I have a bed.

When was the last time you went for a run? >> Ha!

Have you ever tried hard drugs? >> A few.

Which school subject did you hate the most? >> All of them, really.

What was the last thing you wore from Aeropostale? >> I don’t have anything from Aeropostale.

Which devotional do you read? >> ---

Do you appreciate classic literature? >> Meh. I like what I like, and if I don’t like it I don’t care about it.

What is something you find strange? >> I don’t know, I can’t think of anything off the top of my head.

Do you like your natural hair color? >> It’s fine, yeah.

Would you rather get a pixie cut or get dreadlocks? >> Dreadlocks would suit both me and my hair type more than a pixie cut would, but they’re also a lot of maintenance and I’m not into that.

Would you rather dye your hair or get a perm? >> I guess dye. But I’m perfectly happy not chemically treating my hair at all.

Do you keep Christmas lights up year-round? >> No.

Have you ever started a new trend? >> Not to my knowledge.

Do you have any artwork of yours from high school? >> No.

What did you win a scholarship for? >> Nothing?

Did your college meet your expectations? >> ---

What was the best thing about college? >> ---

How old were you ten years ago? >> 22.

What's the best piece of advice you can give someone ten years younger ? >> I have no advice for a 22 year old. Most of the early-twenties people I know seem rather advice-averse anyway. Which kind of makes sense -- they’ve had people telling them what to do all their lives already. It’s time for them to make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons, not blithely listen to older people who think they know better just because they’re older.

Do you feel like you are old enough and experienced enough to give advice? >> I am experienced enough in certain areas to give what I think is reasonable advice, but I prefer not to give advice. The only reason I have this experience in the first place is because... I went out and did shit, and dealt with the consequences. I assume most people would benefit from that same experience.

How old were you when you started to feel mature and experienced? >> LOL, there’s an age when you actually feel that way? I assume it’s an illusion people put upon others but never feel quite right about assuming for themselves.

Were your 20's hell? >> They were, sure.

What type of bug do you see the most often in your home? >> Fruit flies.

Do you put off things until the last minute? >> Occasionally. ...I probably should vacuum, shouldn’t I. :|

Do you have the air conditioning on right now? >> No. The only A/C is in the living room anyway, and does nothing for the rest of the apartment.

Is your mom the same size as you? >> ---

Does camping appeal to you? >> It does, under the right conditions.

What color is your sleeping bag? >> ---

How often do you pray? >> I don’t.

Do you surrender to Christ daily? >> No.

When was the last time you went to church? >> Easter.

Do you know any Christians who aren't judgmental? >> Of course I do.

Do you believe there are any good people in the world? >> lmao what kind of question is this

What's one thing you are scared of? >> Dying painfully.

[blackmentalhealth-matters]

Diary of a Stressed Black Woman

Hey yall! 

So first I wanna start off by saying thank you to everyone for all the love and support I’ve received since I decided to start this blog a couple months ago. I was really nervous to be so open and honest and you guys really made me feel like I wasn’t as crazy as I thought lol. I know I haven’t posted in a minute, I’ve honestly been kind of self absorbed in bullshit but I’m back and I’ll remain consistent this time lol. With that being said.....*ahem, clears throat* excuse me while I wild out on my soap box for a minute....I AM muthafuckin tiedddddd, i am STRESSED tf out and I don’t know wtf i’m doing with my life. I seriously ask myself is this shit even worth it anymore?!. As I wake up each and everyday and start prepare myself for the same ol routine, these thoughts often circulate through my mind. I feel like im constantly jugging that long to do list of shit that never seems to end, shitty niggas, dramatic friends, pestering family, deadlines and homework assignments due dates approaching for classes, outstanding bills due and that cloud of pressure hanging over my head. Some days I literally feel like I’m about to explode..... if you feeling anything how I’m feeling take a second as your reading this...to just B R E A T H E. I have to remind myself when I finally sit my busy body head ass down to just relax and breathe. As human beings were constantly on the go and overwhelming ourselves with shit that either can be handled differently or with adequate preparation completed with minimal stress. 

We all know how stress feels because it affects us all in almost every aspect of our life. But what exactly is stress? Stress is your body’s way of responding to any kind of demand or threat. When you sense danger, whether it’s real or imagined (mine is often imagined lol) your body's defenses kick in and your fight or flight reaction occurs. What is so crazy is stress is not always a bad thing, I honestly feel like I perform my best when I’m stressed out. I tend to work better in high fast, stressful situations. For example if I have a paper due at 11:59 my ass is scrambling to write a 5 page paper at 10:30 lol. I’ve found myself getting better grades when I do last minute shit compared to when I take my time lol. That’s honestly how I got through college, and the way my semester been going thus far seems like how I’m gonna get through grad school. (Disclaimer: plz don’t be like me, be better and do your assignments in a timely fashion lol. 

Stress starts to become an issue to your mental health when it occurs over a long period of time. Suffering from chronic stress can be extremely dangerous and start to affect you mentally, cognitively, emotional, physically and behaviorally.  Your nervous system that responds to you enduring stress cant distinguish between you being stressed over a an argument or you facing an actual stressful situation (things that are life threatening). So the more you experience that emotion of stress the more you trigger you nervous system and the more your heightened state of stress level is increase and can become exacerbated.Every system in your body is affected by stress. Ever have a huge fight your boyfriend/girlfriend and feel like you don’t have an appetite? That’s not because your sad but because your digestive system is affected. Or maybe you start to feel sick after completing a stressful ass project? Your immune system has been affected by your stress.....Stress can leave your brain vulnerable to lurking variable like anxiety and depression, that I personally know how well it’s compatible with stress. 

Our generation puts so much pressure on ourselves because of society. I often find myself setting these unrealistic goals to stay relevant with my peers, or family and mentally endure hell and stress myself out just to half way accomplish it......as a black female my risk of high blood pressure and stroke is higher than white women so experiencing this high level of stress for me isn’t good for my health in the long run....

Survey shows that even though most Americans stress level are falling

Then we look at coping mechanisms....I’ve already discussed how I negatively cope with shit in my life. I touched on drugs and reckless behavior in my last posts, but I didn’t say one of the most common things people do when they are trying to cope...especially with stress. Can you guess what it is? Eating...lol if I’m trying not to be an alcoholic or drug addict, I indulge in huge binges where I eat everything I can and pass out. Clearly this is not an appropriate response to dealing with stress.

So how does one deal with stress in a healthy manner? Well for starters, not putting too much on your plate would help. 

Honestly there’s no appropriate or specific way to deal with stress....like any other mental health disorder you do whats best for you to help you cope.

I’ve learned that mediating throughout the day has caused a huge relief. When I feel myself getting overwhelmed I just remove myself and mediate....confiding in friends and family is also always a good outlet and resource. Journaling or blogging (like me) is also a stress reliefer! Honestly typing this post has caused such a relief for me because it gives me a chance to get out of my head and read what I’m saying on a computer screen. Managing your time more efficiently definitely can help rid yourself of all that time constraint pressure your feeling as well. Physical activity is also a great way to get those endorphins bumping as well.  

*To my fellow readers who are stress, just relax! you got this! tell yourself words of affirmations daily to keep your motivation level high and stress level low. Remember God timing is always perfect and you can rush the process....

Leave your stress in 2017, that’s what I’m doing, with my new year, new me head ass lol.

**xoxo’