#whyyyyyyy does he type like this ALL THE TIME

[umbane]

1:07 AM -> to: [ kay-kay 🤪 ]: wut was the track u told me abt 1:07 AM -> to: [ kay-kay 🤪 ]: th last time we were out 1:07 AM -> to: [ kay-kay 🤪 ]: ??????? 1:08 AM -> to: [ kay-kay 🤪 ]: u kno what idc anymore 1:08 AM -> to: [ kay-kay 🤪 ]: actlly better question for u 1:08 AM -> to: [ kay-kay 🤪 ]: when are u gonna get off the rails again at a warehouse huh??? 😗😗😗😗

[ to: JINXXYYY 1:47am ] YOU THINK I REMEMBER THE SHIT I SAY??? LMAOOOO [ to: JINXXYYY 1:47am ] JUST LISTEN TO MY PLAYLISTS, EVERYTHING THERE FUCKS [ to: JINXXYYY 1:48am ] UHHHH, I DUNNOOOO [ to: JINXXYYY 1:48am ] AFTER REHEARSAL TOMORROW??? [ to: JINXXYYY 1:48am ] MY VOICELL BE FUCKED ANYWAYSSS [ to: JINXXYYY 1:48am ] MIGHT AS WELL MAKE IT WORSEEEE

[liyawritesss]

ʟᴏᴠɪɴɢ ᴋᴇɴᴊɪ ꜱᴀᴛᴏ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ɪɴᴄʟᴜᴅᴇ...

-> synopsis: what would life be like to love the worlds baseball darling and secret superhero Ultraman, Kenji Sato?

-> pairing: kenji sato + black!gn!reader

-> from: ultraman: rising

-> contains: pure fluff, gender neutral, mentions of emiko and emi, 2nd person ('you', 'your', 'yours')

-> a/n: these animators need to stop making these kid movies with fine ass main characters bc whyyyyyyy is he so cute??? why do i wanna baby him in my arms and tell him everything will be okay? LET THIS MAN KNOW PEACE PLEASE!!!

-> join my taglist!

-> tags: @badass-dora-milaje @uranometrias @lees-chaotic-brain @jacuzziwaters

Kenji Sato who loves loves loooooovveeesss those subliminal couples pictures. The ‘private but not secret’ ones. They’re so aesthetically pleasing to him and they allow him to show you off to the world while still maintaining an air of privacy that he cherishes deeply from the media. Kenji is proud to call you his, and wants to show that in all ways possible.

Kenji Sato who is heavy on the couples jewelry. He’s already got a couple of notable pieces in his collection beforehand, and they only expand when you come into his life. In fact, the speculations of his love life come from the fact that people were noticing that he was wearing pieces from brands that were specifically designed for couples. Of course, when asked about it, he never goes into depth about it, and just recites how he thinks they look nice on him…and on someone else.

Kenji Sato who introduces you to his mom only after he’s sure that he wants to be serious with you. I have a feeling Emiko is the type of mom to get attached to their child’s partner in the sense of already viewing them as part of the family very early on, and Kenji wouldn’t want to get her hopes up if something were to happen - he can’t stand to see his mom upset. But when he does introduce you to his mom, you two become the best of friends! So definitely expect to be sent on girls day adventures by Kenji, cuz he’ll definitely be treating the two most important women in his life like royalty.

Kenji Sato who requires a lot of patience to deal - I mean, the man has a lot going on. Being the number one baseball player in the world, saving Japan from threats as Ultraman, and caring for the large kaiju baby Emi is more than a lot on anyone's plate. Kenji’s gonna need someone to understand that his schedule is never solid, and plans may fall through from time to time, and thats not because he’s not trying, but it’s because spontaneity runs his life and things can change at the drop of a hat, out of his control. It’s not the life he asked for, but it’s one he must take on.

Kenji Sato who doesn't exactly know how to bring up the topic of him being Ultraman, much less about Emi, early on in the relationship. I mean, how often do you tell someone that you're Japan's legendary hundred-foot tall superhero or that you're the surrogate parent to a twenty foot tall baby dragon kaiju? As much planning that he does on telling you, it ultimately happens in the worse way possible - you end up finding him mid-transition with Emi in tow...now that's gonna be an interesting story to tell. Spoiler: you stay with him, but now he's subjected to jokes about how is ego isn't the only thing that blows up to an enormous degree.

Kenji Sato who appreciates a partner that can not only deal with spontaneity, but is also rather spontaneous themselves. Surprise dates, random gifts, adventurous propositions out of the blue, I think those kind of things are right up his alley. He’s learned to live life in the moment and to the fullest, because it can be taken from you within an instant, and he wants to cherish every moment he has with you.

Kenji Sato who would spend his money on you religiously. He’ll sit in the dressing room with you as you try on armfuls of clothes, only to hand you his credit card at the end of the haul with a kiss to your temple, encouraging you to buy it all if you desire. And don't let you look at something too long in a display window, because he will have it shipped to your address in two business days. Endless trips post-baseball season in secluded locations so that the two of you can optimize the privacy you desperately crave.

Kenji Sato who’s a little bashful and nervous in the beginning, but eases into the relationship as time goes on. He doesn’t wanna mess up something so good that he has going on. Opening up takes some time, as he’s got some high walls that are hard to climb, but once you do get him to open up and bare his heart to you, don’t take it for granted. He doesn't do this to everyone, only the people he feels will truly return the care and compassion he has - so don’t prove him wrong.

Kenji Sato who seeks your comfort in the middle of the night when sleep evades him, leaving him restless and anxious. Most times, its about his mom and her disappearance, a mystery that's never left his mind. If you don't wake up to find him sitting up in bed deep in thought, or trying to tire himself out in a simulation, he finds comfort in just cuddling you, admiring your sleeping form, and talks about the most random things until the sun begins to peak over the horizon.

Kenji Sato who’s sort of in between the serious lover and the playful lover - he’s maturing in his emotions and how to deal with his past, learning how to communicate better and express himself healthily. Simultaneously, he’s a goofball and a jokester reliving a bit of his childhood in his love with you. Playful banter, jokes and teasing are equally as present as the late night talks and the deep conversations the two of you share.

Kenji Sato who tucks the chain that has his promise ring on it close to his chest, and on game days, rubs his thumb over the gold band for comfort and assurance before he heads up to bat. During championships, he'll ask you to kiss it for good luck, and when he wins, he of course accredits it to you being his 'good luck charm'.

Kenji Sato who loves deeply and fervently, with compassion and the entirety of his heart, who will do his duty and love you unconditionally an proudly while shielding you from the cruel and prying eyes of the public, letting you know time and time again that it will always be you he chooses, no matter what.

If you enjoyed, please leave a like, comment, and reblog for others to see! And don’t be shy to send in a request!

[leynaeithnea]

Alrighty Circe saga let's gooo

14.I'm super convinced Ody was in denial. He knew but in that moment , aftert losing it all right when he was so close to home , he doesn't have it in him to process this , what eury did, I think he's so defeated he's drained and does not want to talk about it.

"A woman ... What?" Is so unserious honestly

Ody here vs in Scylla really really hurts don't make me even think about it ajjsjsjsn

15.I might be physically incapable of disagreeing with you actually. It's a good song but not the best, the good thing about it it's 100% Hermes, my man comes in , all charming and silly, grants ody a crazy power , tells him he'll probably die either way and then goes his merry way. Iconic , 10/10

16.furiosly blushing at the mere thought of acting this out with someone DAMN ( good for you kakdkskksns)

LYING CHARACTERS SUPREMACY!!!! *stars shaking * *explodes *

In Ody's defence when Circe immediately proposed lust I was also like ???? Girl what??? There must be another ten thousand better ways to go about this?? BUT I realize now that Circe is probably used to dealing with scums and filthy man that at the mere mention of sex become cocky and stupid becase they want her and because they believe they are so irresistible obviously she can't resist them. Meanwhile she is getting ready to stab them several times ( queen behavior honestly)

17.I can't express into words how happy I was he refused!! The circumstances were all perfectly placed so that he couldn't say no BUT HE STILL DID!!! RISKED IT ALL BECAUSE HE MIGHT BECOME A MONSTER BUT NEVER A CHEATING HUSBAND!!!! JAKSKSKSKJS

also when circe talks about the Underworld chills kaksksmsnsn her voice is so gooood

All in all a good saga obviously, but I just might like Hermes and Circe more than I like their songs

next up Underworld Saga!!! ( I'm also really scared and I'm pretty sure I can't form coherent thoughts about the songs , only tears and anguised cries )

Edit: i messed up the post and dont remember the first things i wrote but anyway, i might send you a bunch morw things including a reprise one reactor wrote for Full speed ahead....yeah..anyway

18. The Underworld

"All i hear are screams, everytime i dare to close my eyes [etc]" man hes so traumatized, he needs a hug, i love him

Just a man reprise PLS

"Captain" "Captain, why would you let the cyclopse live when ruthlessness is mercy-" ALL I HEAR IS SCREAMS......

question: why do the men join in when he sings "every time i dare to close my eyes" and the rest...mh......

I keep thinking of the infant from that night.... HES SO HAUNTED BY hIS ACTIONS SO SO HAUNTED

"This life is amazing when you greet it with open arms" POLITES MY BOY STILL THINKING THESE THOGUHTS AS HE WAS DYING WHYYYYYYY YYYYYY ...ouchy douchy

ALSO THE way Steven sings the last "greet the world with open Aaaaarmms" its a different pace/note (?) than the other times hes sung it and its so goood

the voiceacting with Odys "Polites- " "Polites...." ....

.....

and theN

AND THEN

"waiting...."

VOICED BY JAYS MOm; PLS??? SERIOUSLY? I still sob to that song occationally, in fact im listening to the song as im typing this and my eyes are teary rn

"i took to long"....hits some fears, esp bc I'm living a few hours away from home rn bc of college and additionally Im constantly stuck between having to leave one home behind for another (college, where my friends are, my moms where my gardens, cats and little sister are and my dads where my baby brother and they are) so im constantly stuck on like.....being missed and missing people and i know that it comes down to trying to make the best of the time we do have and enjoying each moment we get but man IT HITS OUCH

"bye mom.." ouch

AND THEN THE SCREAMS AGAIN ....so good......so ouchy......most painful day

BUT I FORGOT, ELPENOR I love this funfact so much "558 men" but only 557 before poseidon, siejseigje "i drank wine from a palace ontop of circes palace and fell and broke my neck in shame" i love this so much

19. No Longer You

...ngl, i love how most animators depicted Tiresias lowkey hot af with white hair and all, ....HIS VOICE IS SO GOOD

I want to dance to this song siejgsegi (im not good but i had some lessons for my prom and i can at least do the basics in walz x))

the "there is a world where i help you get home" is soooooo well sung

also "thats not a world i know" "what???"(what saga) but also OUCH rip ody

AND THEN THE PROPHECY

"i see a song of past romance" SUFFERING

"i see the sacrifice of men" SYCLLA

"i see portrayals of betrayal and a brothers finial stand" MUTINIY

"I see you on the brink of death" END OF THUNDER BRINGER??? OR LATER SONGS????

"i see a man who gets to make it home alive but its no longer you".....ody being like "bUT WHY?" yeah his anger is justified

"i see your palace covered in red, faces of men who had long believed you dead" IM SOOO EXCITED for that song

"i see your wife with a man who is hunting, a man with a trail of bodies..." "WHO" (owl) (istg i love how many memes this fandom has)

i also love how the choir techincally spoilers the whole act 2 but we simply dont know BECAUSE JORGE WONT TELL US THE REST THAT HAPpenS AFTER THUNDER SAGA grr

20. Monster

Ody having an existential crisis fr fr

"im the only one whos line i havent crosses" aaaaahhhh

"is the cyclops struck with guilt when he kills?, is he up in the middle of the night" THIS IS WHAT ODY IS eXPIRIENCING THATS WHAT HES TELLING US HOW BADLY HES COPING WITH ALL THAT HAPpeneD THERE

"or does he end my men do avenge his friend and hten sleep knowing he has done him right" THIS IS WHAT HE KNOWS ACUTALLY hAPPENS HE COMPAReS HIMSELF TO THESE PEOPLE AND OUCHY

"when the witch turns mens to pigs to protect her nymphs is she going insane?" HE FEELS LIKE HES GOING INSANE SOMEONE GIVE hIM A HUG

"or did she learn to be colder when she got older and now she saves them the pain" THATS WHAT HE KNOWS HE HAS TO BECOME

"when a god comes down and makes a fleet drown is he scared that hes doing something wrong" ODY BABY

"or does he keep us in check so we must repsect him and now noone dares to piss him off" ODY IS SCARED OF POSEIDON NOW HES TERRIFIED

"does a soldier use a wooden horse to kill sleeping trojas cause he is vile" THATS WHAT HE THINKS OF HIMSELF

"or does he throw away his remorse to save more lives with guile" HE HAS been STRUgGLING SO HARD WITH THE GUILD AND REGRET OF WHAT HE DID IN TROY BUT HE KNOWS, when he killed the infant, he already made the choice of his family over one live BUT it haunted him the whole time, it dictated his actions with Polyphemus and all of that which eventually led to 558 men lost

"if i became the monster and threw that guilt away, would that make us stronger would it keep our foes at bay? (oh baby, its going to work for all of one song im afraid)

"if i became the monster to everyone but us" ("us" his family or his crew I WONDER???) "and made sure we got home again, who would care if we're unjust" Villian arc right here and iM allll here for it

AND THEN THE CHOIR JOining in in "if i became the monster" AND THEN ODY SHIFTING TO "Oh ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves" EMBRACING IT

"and deep down i know this well, i lost my best friend, i lost my mentor my mom 500 men gone this cant go ooon" the way this ascents and gets more powerful is sooo good

"I MUST GET TO SEE PENELOPE AND TELEMACHUS" his motivation and reason for everything, im so excited for telemachus voice

"AND IF I GOTTA DROP ANOTHER INFANT FROM A WALL IN AN ISNTANT SO WE ALL DONT DIE" WHEN HE KILLS ANOTHER INNOceNT SO HE CAN get homE OMG PLSSS

and then the whole last part is suchhh good music with choir and and everything aaaaah

"ill become the monster (BAM)" so good.

im scared of the thunder saga one though BECAUSE i have SOOO MUCH to say about this one

[nathaniacolver]

need to live tweet my playing of totk but don't wanna be annoying on my irl so i'll just do it here. this is the first bit:

BEWARE: TOTK SPOILERS BELOW

"i know i'll be ok with you link" okay they are IN LOVE

WHERE IS LINK IN THE CUTSCENE. THEY HAVE TO SHOW HIM IN THE NEXT 10 SECONDS OR I WILL FRET

ZONAI????!!?!!?!??!?!?! (Listen i forgot the gameplay trailer)

me walking at a respectable pace as to not leave zelda's side

BABE THERE'S TOO MUCH MALICE HERE WHY ARE WE STILL GOING

just talked to zelda and she was like "i'm so excited!!!!" GIRL DO YOU NOT HAVE AN OUNCE OF SELF-PRESERVATION

swinging the sword swinging the sword

WAIT WHY DO I HAVE 30 HEARTS WHYYYYYYY DO I HAVE 30 HEARTS

THEY JUST ADDED AN INSTRUMENT OR TWO OH FRICK AND IT'S GETTING LOUDER oh i already love the sound engineering

GLOWY SPIRAL????

DON'T PICK UP THE TEAR BABY oh frick oh frick

OH THAT'S WHY I HAD 30. FOR THE DRAMA

CAN'T LOOK AT MY TYPING I'M WATCHING THE CHTSCENE

OH FRICK IT JUST SHATTERED OH FRICK

gamer lean on x games mode rn

mans said screw it i'm out. fly you fools

BRO I WAS TYPING THE ABOVE WHEN HE LUNGED AND I GOT SO NERVOUS THAT I'D HAVE TO FIGHT FJSKDKJSJDAHHDLADG THE JOYCONS ARE FLOPPING AROUNS ON MY ARMS

THAT TEAR BETTER PROTECT HER I HOPE THAT'S WHAT THAT GLOWY YELLOW WAS

BRO WHAT. THE BLUE GLOWING IS GOOD. this is so anakin skywalker of him btw

baby don't you worry i'm gonna make link level up so fast so he can come and get you

oop naked link again AND HIS SHORTS ARE SHORTER????

nice mani link

A MAN'S VOICE???????? WHO IS IT WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW THEIR NAMES

okay so The Voice just gives him an arm. okay

the malice or whatever stopping just at the triforce is Symbolic, i think

is it really a master sword or is it a master Dagger

i rly be taking screenshots of everything like i'm a tourist

okay green hand thing go off!!! oop give it a high five and it turns blue and goes behind you as a save point

*taking notes* okay cogs are cogging.......gears are gearing..........

now why the frick did it have me dive like that. what was The Reason

i Forgor that link can tread water indefinitely. swimming king

not me searching every nook and cranny like there's gonna be secrets in this Cave

PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARCHAIC PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wait i put them on and now he looks like a gladiator.......cardboard skirt & Jesus sandals........ok shirtless king

oop just noticed his hair animations & the layers are CRAZY but it lookin good

wait so they was underground......and now in the sky...................i have Theories

they said aerial view shot once again but i mean AERIAL

ope no climbing, you're already too high in the sky

the lighting looks SO GOOD!

it's so silent up here i love it.

the MUSIC AHHHH

WAIT EVERYTHING'S AN ISLAND???? OH WE WAY THE FRICK UP IN THE SKY LINK. HOW CAN YOU BREATHE THAT THIN AIR

this game is making me fall In Love. with Silence

TREE BRANCH YES THE WORLD IS HEALING

apples. i could Cry

is that a broom?????

wait so the soldiers are bad and the stewards are good. it's just like real life!

why do i have the feeling that this is a /different/ princess zelda that left this to him.......oh nvm it's just the purah pad. what happened to the sheikah slate???

is link gonna look at pics on it and get emo

wait so. garden of time (ok Christianity reference). so zelda has lived through some trash already and is like poor link in the past. let's give him this

aw it's lonely :(

YES WE'RE GETTING ZELDA RIGHT AWAY I COULD CRY

ooh the purah pad looks slick (i'm so sorry but why does that sound like a tampon brand LIKEEEEE)

high five!!! oh wait high fives have OTHER FUNCTIONS???!?!

now why did the bridge have to do all that fancy stuff. (ik it's for stability or whatever don't @ me engineers)l

just smashed some pots. link's Primeval Urge

ok so linear path for Diving. got it.

that's a hot-footed frog.......................i could cry. i AM crying

picked up a rock. now i just have to see some Chickens

there are Grates in the ground and you can peek below. idk why i like that so much.

i am hunting these ostriches like i might die

THAT GUY SNUCK UP ON ME SO SILENTLY. I DECIDED I HATE FLOATING MACHINE ENEMIES (don't worry i was fine)

why did i try to light a frog on fire

[stormsgalore]

god. wow. goddammit whyyyyyyy

so. like. out of NOWHERE. I dream about him. like this is the first time in uhhhh, I don’t even know. Like I just stopped having dreams like that one and he’s there! same place. Those dreams and dreams in that setting have actually stopped for the most part? but oop here we are! back again!

so it’s a weird dream. I’ve been out doing something? and then I’m back inside and I need my bag because me and some others don’t have our bags for whatever reason. Like we left them somewhere while also maybe never had them with us at all. So everyone’s family/partners/friends pack/bring them their bags. And I have no one there! So they’ve arranged for someone else to get me mine. And. And. And.

It’s him.

Of course it’s him! the fuck. He’s standing there with the bag on his back. I have to wait for him to do something first, he’s addressing a bunch of people and then we walk off, I guess bc he wants to talk first before he gives me the bag? catch up in the time we have sort of thing. When we leave the corridor he stops and we go to talk ‘privately’ in a bathroom which isn’t actually there irl. One door opening up to two. We go into the ladies and there’s a couple of older women in there but there’s a little alcovey bit, and they don’t notice us. Obviously I don’t remember what he said exactly but the gist kinda was about us (finally) being together or something? And I’m compelled to just grab his face and kiss him but obviously he wasn’t ready, it’s not quite right, but he does let me do it again but I’ve sort of gone off the idea and we have to be careful not to get caught so it’s only like a second. Also kinda not nice? Like a weird battery type taste/sensation idk. Then he talks a bit more and I think I wake up? Or we/I leave the room first.

It was so random. Like it’s been so long?? And like a surprise for me within the dream, like you have no one here so here’s the only logical person that makes sense for this setting. And it was him wanting to tell me that he’s ready for this to be a thing. So we’ll see what next dream brings me. I have no idea what prompted this dream either.

fucked me up for a moment.

[s0dium]

High enough

Stoner!Geto x Reader

A/n: Repost of my most popular fic! Yes there will be TONS of more stoner geto to come.

Summary: In which you and Shoko are invited over to your best friends Gojo’s house to smoke with him and his room mate, Geto suguru. 

Warnings: Drug usage, breeding kink, fingering, nipple play, degrading, pet names, over stim

You woke up to something vibrating next to your head and you let out a groan before reaching for your phone and turning it on. The sudden stream of light from your phone made your eyes burn and you had to blink a couple times to clear the dots that scattered your vision. Sighing, you pressed the green button to accept the incoming call and put the phone next to your ear, only to immediately regret the choice a few seconds later.

"Y/N OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!"

A familiar voice boomed from the phone, followed by the sudden pounding on your door.

"What? Don't you have the keys Shoko?" You questioned, urging your body to get up and sluggishly dragging your feet towards the door.

"Yah but I lost it at that stupid party Gojo took us to remember?" Your roommate Shoko stood in front of you when you opened the door, her usual tired eyes rolling over and the familiar strong scent of cigarettes greeting you with her presence.

"Y/N!" Haibara shimmied past Shoko who was blocking the entrance to the door, and embraced you in a hug. Before you could respond, he then let go of your body and ran toward the bathroom door. "Dude I'm gonna use your toilet i've been holding in for like 30 minutesss"

"Good to know." You said sarcastically and made your way back to your bed, already missing the sweet comfort of sleep. The familiar warmth of your covers wrapped around you like a hug and you plopped your head down into the cloud-like embrace of your pillow.

"Y/n its literally 4 PM get your ass out of bed, and get dressed, we came to pick you up." Shoko sat at the foot of your bed and attempted to rip the covers off but you held onto them in a vice grip.

"Whyyyyyyy though" Your voice came out as a muffled whine since your head was buried into a pillow and Shoko groaned. It wasn't as if you don't like hanging out with your best friends, it was just that you had already decided that today was going to be spent doing nothing besides catching up on some well deserved sleep that you'd miss due to exams. Quite frankly, anything involving social interaction today didn't seem appealing in the slightest.

"Because, Gojo invited us to his room to smoke and you're coming with."

You let out another whine in defiance and tried to kick Shoko off your bed to no avail.

"Did you tell her that Geto was going to be there?" Haibara's voice came from behind the bathroom door and you didnt even have to look up to know that there was a stupid sly smirk on Shoko's face, knowing she won.

Right, of course Geto was going to be there, he was Gojo's room mate after all.

You tossed the name over and over again in your head, your heart rate quickening and you subconsciously bit your lip at the mental image of him. There was always an underlying tension whenever you and Geto were together, and everyone in your friend group knew this. It wasn't as if it was a blatant sexual tension that oozed awkwardness or erotic apprehension. And neither of you had made your feelings particularly clear; it's just the two of you were.... friendlier than 'friendly best friends'. Like how you always found Getos arm around you, or how the two of you would fall behind the group and talk for hours while the rest walked ahead of you, or how at least one part of his body was always touching yours. Or the teasing glances & eyerolls Geto gives you that make you choke back laughter when Gojo does something stupid. It was the type of relationship that always hinted at something more, teetering just on the edge, but never quite fully making it.

Hesitantly, you slowly rose out from under the covers and gave the most annoyed glare you could muster at Shoko, who simply chuckled and shrugged.

"All my stuff is in the laundry though, I have nothing to wear."

That was another reason why you didn't plan to go out today, because today was one of those rare opportunities where you could finally wash your 2 week pile of old clothes. So all that was left in your closet was a pair of sweatpants and a spare teddy bear printed underwear that you never wore.

"We are just gonna get high, you can wear one of my big sweatshirts" Shoko gestured to the closet on her side of the room "and you'll look cute.You usually do in most things." You heard the sound of the sink running behind the bathroom door and Haibara stepped out, shaking the water off his hands since there was no towel.

"Yeah plus the homeless look is really popular these days" Haibara added, "who knows, Geto might be into the sewer rat aesthetic." and you flipped him off in response.

"I'm not going cause I got a crush on him, Geto is just fun to talk to ." You huffed and went to look through the pile of sweat shirts in Shokos closet.

"And she wants to suck his dick." Shoko mumbled under her breath just loud enough so only Haibara could hear and he snorted in an attempt to hold back a laugh.

~

Cardi B blared from from a grey van in the dorm parking lot and you didnt even need to look to know who was behind the wheel.

"Took you guys long enough." Gojo's sapphire eyes glinted from behind his black round glasses and he held his arm out of the car window for you to fist bump as you and kai climbed in the back.

"Yah sorry, y/n had a hard time picking out what homeless vibe she wanted to go for."

You kicked the back of Shoko's seat in an attempt to mess up her attempt at lighting the cigarette hanging from her lips.

"Hey, feet off of the seats, I just got this baby." Gojo said as he wrapped his arm around the neck of the shotgun seat and started to back out the parking lot.

"Yah speaking off, why does it smell like rotten ice cream in here." Haibara scrunched up his nose in disgust and rolled down the window to let the rushing air in. Frankly, you had no idea why you were even driving to Gojo's shared apartment in the first place, being that it was literally no more than a 5 minute walk from your's and shoko's apartment. Was it dusk already? The daylight had dwindled to a barely perceptible shade of pink and the last of the sun's rays cosseted behind soft grey clouds. The street took on the look of an old photograph, and the shadows of every familiar thing stretched across the earth as the sky slowly bled off its sunlight.

"Oh yeah you know Yuji itadori? The freshmen? I told him he could borrow the car and I think he tried to hotbox the car with this shitty ice cream flavored vape. Didn't work though." Gojo casually gestured to a used vape pen in the cup holder and Shoko choked on the smoke of her cigarette.

You and Haibara exchanged glances in disbelief before the two of you doubled over in laughter. Your voice came out in choked gasps and your eyes grew glassy with tears. "BYE-HE. DID. WHAT?" Haibara let out another exasperated wheeze of air that sounded like a broken kazoo.

"AHAHHA YOU CAN'T *wheeze* FUCKING HOTBOX A CAR WITH VAPE *wheeze*" Haibara sounded like all oxygen was slowly being sucked out of him and you held onto your chest which had started to ache from laughter. "I- *wheeze* I-IT'S LITERALLY *wheeze* WATER VAPOR *wheeze*"

~

By the time Gojo parked the car and everyone was now standing in front of the door to the apartment, you and Haibara were still wiping the tears from hysterically laughing the whole car ride.

"Who is even supplying you guys anyways." You asked as Gojo opened the door.

"Right I forgot, you're still an innocent newbie," Shoko grinned and you flipped her off for what seemed like the 100th time today.

"Shut the fuck up im not an innocent newbie" It wasnt like you were lying, but it wasnt like you were telling the full truth either. You certainly were by no means 'innocent', but when it came to drugs such as weed, you'd only gotten high a couple times when you were hanging out with friends. You never specifically took the time out to get high or spent your money on personal marijuana, only having it from others when the situation allowed you too. Though, if all the secondhand smoking from being Shoko's room mate counted then you might as well be a pro.

The apartment was set in a very faint hue of purple light from an LED lamp, and a cheap inflatable mattress laid to the side of the small room surrounded by 2 bean bags and a futon facing it. You felt your breath hitch when your eyes fell on a shirtless Geto who was laying on one side of the mattress, smoking a blunt and mindlessly scrolling through his phone.

At the sound of the door slamming into the wall when Gojo pushed it open, Geto turned his head and looked at the people coming into the house. In a mere second, his eyes immediately locked with yours and a small boyish grin spread on his face.

"Yo put on a shirt Geto, we got ladies over" Gojo threw a light brown tank that sat on one of the chairs to Geto and you watched in awe as he hastily put it on. After, he took a hair tie off his wrist and placed it between his teeth to hold, while he ran his fingers through his head and pulled his long black hair into a messy bun. He then took the tie from his mouth and quickly wrapped it around the bundle of hair, simply pushing back the loose strands that fell behind his ear

"Excuse my manners ladies" Geto patted an empty spot on the cheap mattress and you plopped down on it with a tiny giggle.You threw your crocs to the side and comfortably leaned back into the wall so your shoulder brushed with Getos bare toned arm.

"Oh please, you totally knew y/n was coming" Shoko sat down next to Haibara on the black futon, leaving gojo to slump into one of the bean-bags. You raised an eyebrow at Geto and he jokingly threw up his hands as if a gun was being pointed toward.

"I'm innocent I swear." Geto's lips were curved into a lazy grin, and his low voice was warm and inviting, laced with playfulness. He looked so natural with a blunt in his mouth, and you couldn't decide if the weed made him look hot, or if he made smoking weed look hot.

"Well whatever his goal was it didn't work." You were lying through your teeth and you had to bite your lip to poorly contain a childish grin.

"No?"

"Not even the tiniest bit."

"Damn." Geto snapped his fingers and clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth sarcastically. "Guess i'll just have to try again next time." He reached for the joint he set down before and took a drag of the smoke while slightly smirking.

"Christ, get a room." Haibara mumbled.

Gojo took off his glasses and glanced toward your direction, "Wait, are we even sure Y/N is attracted to guys?" his arms crossed and his eyes mischievously squinted at you.

"Since when did my sexuality become a topic of interest to you?"

"I'm just saying," Gojo shrugged and took an inhale of the joint Geto passed to him before giving it back. "remember when we first met you, I think it was one of Shoko's friend's party or something."

"AHAH OH YAH, YOU MEAN WHEN YOU TRIED TO PICK Y/N UP?" Haibara clapped his hands and you tried to recall when you first met Gojo.

You had just moved in with Shoko and she invited you to one of her friend's parties, and it was there you met Gojo, Geto, and Haibara for the first time. From the very moment you set foot in the party, Gojo was all over you, trying desperately to get into your pants and spewing some of the worst pick up lines you'd ever heard. Of course you'd being lying if you said Gojo wasn't hot, but in truth the only reason why you were ignoring him was because all of your attention was already trained on the raven hair boy with large black gauge earrings, sitting on the couch and lazily smoking a blunt while girls tried to flirt with him to no avail.

"Oh shit yeah I remember that ''

"OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY, HOW SHE JUST FLAT OUT IGNORED YOU" Haibara bent over in laughter and you shrugged unapologetically.

"Honestly that's how I knew y/n and I were going to be best friends" Shoko added and you crawled toward the futon to give her a high five and blow a kiss.

"BUT THATS THE THING," Gojo snapped his fingers and pointed at you "Women either have to be gay or blind not to be attracted to me, and I know for sure your not fucking blind so...." Gojo triumphantly sat back down in his bean bag and threw his leg over the other with an over-confident grin on his face. "Y/n is gay. Thus, I rest my case."

The room grew silent for a couple moments before you and Haibara started to break down in laughter and Shoko slapped her forehead with her palm. "Jesus fucking christ Satoru, just because she isn't attracted to you doesnt mean y/n likes pussy."

"Who says I don't." You watched in amusement as gojos mouth fell open and you leaned into the palm of your hand. "And who says I don't like dick. Cant I fuck both?"

"OOOOOOOHHHHH GOD DAMNNNNNN" Gojo put his hands vertically on either side of his mouth for extra effect and you lightly kicked his shin with the heel of your foot while grinning.

"Go OFF y/n," Shoko held out her hand for you to high five. As you scooched back on the mattress, you caught Geto's gaze trained on you from the corner of his eye while he breathed out the smoke from his blunt. His lazy smirk made your face flush into a deep red and the rush of confidence you felt before turned into complete embarrassment.

"Ok as interesting as y/n's sexuality is, we came here to get fucking faded and Geto is hogging all the weed" Haibara pointed out

"My bad, I was busy enjoying the show." Geto pulled out a plastic container next to him. "I already rolled three to pass but if you want your own, roll it up yourself." He nodded to the container of pre-grinded weed and stack of rolling paper in the middle.

"Too bad y/n, looks like your gonna have to share cuz you don't know how." Shoko said teasingly, as if you couldnt get any more embarrassed, and you mouthed the words 'fuck you' while you flipped her off.

Your heart jumped when you felt Geto slightly pull you to him, the scent of smoke, weed and sandalwood filling your senses like warm liquid. He leaned in so close you could feel his breath dance along your neck, and put his hand up to block others from seeing him whisper into your ear.

You swore you could feel his lips nearly grazing your skin.

"Don't worry, i'll roll you one for you sweet heart."

You failed to contain the childish giggle that bubbled in your throat and you leaned back into him to whisper the words 'thank you'.

Haibara took the pre-rolled joint between his fingers and flicked the lighter on, before putting the blunt between his lips and taking a deep drag of smoke. You eyed the orange-reddish embers that glowed brightly at the end of the joint with every inhale.

"Shoko?" Haibara passed the blunt to Shoko who then quickly passed it to gojo instead.

"No, weed makes me tired, you can pass another cigarette though. I have some in my bag over there." A pack of cigarettes was hurtled toward Shoko, which she caught between her hands with a loud 'clap'.

"Yeah, Shoko is on a very strict diet called 'lung cancer'." Shoko threw a chip at a grinning Gojo, who dodged with ease and flipped her off. "I'm betting she'll make it to forty, tops. Any other bets?"

"Nah, i'm gonna say thirty." Geto said while he neatly poured the grinded weed into a cigar wrap.

"Oh shut up Geto, I literally saw you smoking yesterday." Shoko rolled her eyes and you couldn't help but watch as Geto diligently twisted the blunt between his fingers. You were so tempted to tuck the strand of black hair that had fallen from his messy bun behind his pierced ear, but he beat you to it. Geto was so concentrated on the blunt that he didn't even see you bite your lip while you stared, completely absorbed in his features.

"The weed cancels out the cigarettes shoko, I thought you were a med student, shouldn't you know this?" Smoke flew from Gojo's mouth as he sarcastically spoke and leaned back into the bean bag to draw another breath from the blunt.

"Ok, y/n." Geto moved so you were facing each other and you felt your heart rate quicken. "Finished, just for you." He presented the freshly rolled joint to you, and you had to roll up the sleeves to your ginormous sweater in order to take it between your fingers. "Hold on angel, I got you." Geto reached to his side to grab a lighter, the way his low soothing voice wrapped around your brain made butterflies explode in your stomach. With just the flick of his thumb on the lighter he set the joint ablaze, and slowly guided your hand that held the joint to your lips. His thumb and pointer finger cupped your chin to tilt it upwards and your eyes locked with his.

"Inhale for me," Geto spoke lowly and you did as you were told, not breaking eye contact for a single second. You draw the smoke into your lungs and you feel it wrap around your chest like a blanket. There was a sense of breathing and holding your breath at the same time, and you were no longer paying attention to your surroundings; the only thing you could hear was the rhythmic thump of your heart in your ears. You could feel Geto's thumb slowly stroking your chin and for a second you forget why you were there in the first place. But before your throat could start to burn, you slowly exhaled the smoke through your nose and mouth. "Such a good girl..." His voice almost comes out as a mere whisper. The smoke flowed between the two of you almost like a curtain and your eyes fell on Getos lips that were curved into a lazy smirk.

'Please kiss me'. That was all you could think, over and over again as you stared longingly at his lips, and perhaps Geto could read your mind or maybe you accidentally said it out loud, but his hand slowly guided your face until his lips encased yours. Your lips shyly reciprocated the kiss, and what started off as slow and passionate, turned into you straddling Geto's waist and burying your fingers into his back hair to hungrily kiss him deeper. His tongue easily dominated yours and he placed two hands on either side of your hips, grinding you onto his crotch and making you softly moan.

"Seriously?! Right in front of my weed?" All of your attention was brought back to your surroundings by the sound of Gojo's awful vine reference, and you immediately pulled away and buried your head into Geto's chest in embarrassment.

"JESUS CHRIST, FINALLY though."

"Ugh cant you fuck some where else we just got hereeeeee" Shoko groaned after Haibara's remark. You gradually returned back to pressing kisses along Getos neck and he chuckled.

"You guys can either get out or enjoy the show. I dont give a shit." You blushed at the idea of people watching and prayed that Geto was only joking.

"Bye-thats a no for me." Shoko sat up from the futon but not before pocketing one of Getos lighters, while Haibara quickly followed.

"You're literally kicking me out of my own apartment to get your dick wet." Gojo grumbled (he has totally done the same to geto before) but his face immediately lit up a second later "Ooooh wait, now we can all sleep over at Shoko's apartment!!"

"Yah no way in HELL."

"Pleaseeeeeeeeee???"

Before the door shut, Haibara poked his head through the crack of the door and winked at you "Get it in the bag y/n." and you groaned in embarrassment.

"Sometimes i hate our friends." You giggled and Geto grinned as he leaned back into a kiss with you.

In only a matter of seconds Geto's hands were already under your sweatshirt, traveling across the expanse of your body. You sighed at his touch and found yourself grinding more into his clothed crotch. The outline of his dick was so incredibly apparent due to the sweatpants he was wearing and his erection created a large tent that was struggling to be restrained against the cloth.

Shit, he wasn't wearing boxers. Of course he wasn't wearing boxers.

Your hands slip under his loose tank top to run your fingers across his muscular abdomen. Without a second thought he deftly pulled it over his head in one go, then moving to do the same with your sweatshirt and hastily discarding it somewhere on the floor.

"Shit, your tits are so much fucking prettier than I imagined." Geto couldn't count the amount of times he touched himself, high as a kite and lazily jacking off just imagining the moment where he could wrap his slightly chapped lips around your nipples. So that's just what he did.

"Ah~ Geto" You gasped his name when you felt his teeth tug on one of your nipples, and you watched through lidded eyes his other hand pull and stretch your nipples beautifully. "Please Geto- please more." Your clit throbbed for contact and you desperately humped his crotch, letting out a whine at the lack of contact. You shimmied out of your pants but your thoughts came to a stop when you no longer felt Geto's lips on yours and saw him staring at your legs with a shit eating grin on his face.

"I like you panties Y/n." Geto chuckled and you followed his gaze to the stupid teddy bear underwear you were wearing. Crap, you forgot you were wearing those. And in the moment you had never hated laundry day more.

"Shut up."

"Yes ma'am" A sly smile grew on his face and Geto teasingly bucked his hip up to elicit a choked moan from you. "Tell me baby, in your mind," Two fingers trail up your thigh and your eyes squeeze shut while you immerse in the pleasure of his warm touch, "are we doing it nice and slow? Or," He pushes your underwear to the side and slides one of his fingers between your warm fold. "Are you making me work for it?" You can hear the wet sloppy sounds of his finger dragging back and forth, tracing your slit and you don't even need to open your eyes to know Geto is grinning.

"I don't-"You tripped over your words- too focused on the way the pad of his finger lightly stroked over your clit. Before you know it, you're laying on your back on the mattress and your underwear has been added to the pile of discarded clothes on the floor. Skilled hands immediately find your pussy and spread your folds apart, revealing your pulsing womanhood and clit. Your hands tangle in his tresses as you tug desperately on the tufts of black hair, trying to get his mouth closer towards your pussy.

"So fucking needy arent you? Shit I'm gonna make you feel so fucking good baby." Only a lewd moan escapes your mouth, as his skilled tongue laps your clit. Watching his head move side to side expertly, the flick of motions has you clench around nothing and you desperately try to hump his face. He is slurping so loud, you wouldn't be surprised if one of the neighbors came banging on the door for you to shut up. Maybe it's the weed that intoxicated your system, but you find yourself tumbling faster toward an orgasm then you've ever had before. Geto slowly rutted his hip into the mattresses in an attempt to relieve himself of his arousal as the pace of his tongue sped up."M-mhm.." your humming earns a guttural groan from the male underneath you. For a split second, Geto's oral muscle leaves the warmth of your cunny and you almost let out a cry at the loss of contact when two of his fingers enter inside of you. He hums in amusement while he lifts you back onto his lap with ease, and once again you find your trembling legs wrapped comfortably around his waist. you're breathless and keening. The way his fingers roughly curl inside of you has your entire lower half shaking. His tongue was running all over your neck, his other hand softly caressing your lower abdomen, "let it go baby girl..." he growled, watching your hips move against his fingers. You wail as you cum, tears starting to stream down your cheeks. "Shhhh i got you, such a good girl, such a good girl for me."

You're too busy gasping for air from your orgasm that you don't even notice Geto sliding his sweat pants down just enough to have his thick cock sprung up and slap against his abdomen. You truly tried holding back, really you did. But as soon as you see it you start humping his crotch again and he has to hold your waist to stop you from moving. Before he entered you, Geto took another drag from the dying joint by his side and threw his head up to blow the smoke toward the ceiling. The smoke has a way of revealing the air, making an artistry of its swirls and flow, and you watched it in fascination.

"Come on baby," Geto spoke with a lazy smirk, his dark lidded eyes had a way of glaring at you that made your inside throb. " Show me what moves you got."

Without missing a beat, you lift your hips up and slowly start to lower yourself down on his length. Your mouth grew lax at the feelings of being stretched and filled so much. . You dig your nails into the firm muscles of his back and he dips his head, swallowing your cry with his mouth as he pushes further inside of you, stretching you out on his cock.

"I-its so so good~"

His hips move in a half circular motions for a moment, to make your folds open up more, exposing your nerve pearl to him. Not caring for your cries, he chuckled, dipping his head and spitting right on the pulsating clit. The viscous liquid covered it completely, as he pressed his groin on it, making sure that the stimulation of it now is unbearable. The sound of skin slapping filled the room and soon a methodical rhythm was set while you used your lower body to slide up and down his cock. For a minute or so, Geto didn't even have to do anything, except lean back against the wall and watch with a grin as you worked yourself on his dick. A mantra of 'Oohs' and 'oh yes' fell from your lips and your closed eyes fluttered everytime the tip of his dick brushed against your cervix. Pretty soon though, the rush of adrenaline you felt before ran out and you struggled to lift yourself up with the same vigor as before.

"Geto-h-help-"

He got the message and laid you on your back so he hovered over you. Strands of his raven black hair that his hair tie failed to hold hung down from his face and you took that moment to finally tuck it behind his ear, which you failed to do before.

"I got it from here sweetheart."

Geto drew his hips back and slammed into such immense force that your whole body moved a bit across the mattress. The two of you moaned in unison and after the first thrust, Geto had to hold still for a couple of seconds, knowing that if he kept moving, if he gave himself up to the exquisite tightness, the heat, he would explode instantly.

"Please make me feel good daddy, please I need you," you whispered... and then Geto couldnt hold back any longer, He plunged deep inside you, deep into that maddening clutch that held onto his cock in a vice grip. You moaned, hands locking onto his shoulder, voice in his ear, urging him on.

"Fuck, fuck fuck!" You wailed and thrashed against Getos hold, forcing him to pin your wrists together above your head while he pistoned into you with brute force. His teeth dig into his lip, nearly drawing blood, in an attempt to contain himself.

"How, *huff* the fuck do you *huff* feel so good baby." Geto manges to stutter out between pants followed by a deep long groan and a string of curses. Everytime he leaves the clutch of your cunny, his cock is coated in a thick shiny sheen of creaminess, and when he snaps his hips back in, it settles right at the base of him, painting your puffy pussy lips as well. Geto throws one of your legs over his shoulder so he can snap he can plunge his dick deeper into you. The new position, combined with the rate Geto snaps his hips at has you hurtling to the edge. Your grip on the sheets was starting to get loose, tears flowing down to your cheeks, mouth hang open with drool pooling on the sheets already mind fucked.

"Good isnt it? I bet you feel so good right now- fuck" The muscles in his legs had started to tighten to the point of pain and Geto knew if he didnt get you to cum soon, he would start to cramp and stop.

"Come on baby" Geto loudly grunts as he pools the last of his strength into absolutely hammering into you "you gotta cum for me, come on you can do it baby, come for me" A plunging shudder ran rough your body; you lost vision and your legs shook uncontrollably. When you finally arrive at your orgasm, you realize that the peak is even higher than you could've imagined. It's so high that it even scares you a bit because you realize that now you're so far gone and you might not find a way back- perhaps you never will, simply ravishing in this orgasm forever and a part of you wants to because it's just so perfect, so thrilling.

With a choke gasp, you felt the pleasure come to a crescendo and warm liquid spray out of you and onto the Getos abdomen.He buries himself deep into your creamy pussy, relishing in the warm feeling of your pussy gripping him, before pumping a heavy load of warm cum into you."Fuck- y/n-FUCK" You can feel his body shutter and his balls contracting. Geto slips out and rolls beside of you and the two of you lay there on the mattresses trying to catch eachowns breath. After a couple seconds of silence, Geto got up and you watched through the corner of your eyes as he put on a pair of sweatpants, filled a cup up with water from the nearby sink, and walked over to you with a towel in hand. He handed you the water which you took with trembling hands, he sat down and moved you in between his legs. Geto rested his chin on your shoulder and hummed while he took his time wiping the mess between your thighs and the cum that had dripped from your pussy onto the mattress.

"I've been waiting to do that for so long." He spoke into the skin of your neck and basked in the warmth his bare chest emitted.

"I know me too." He chuckled at your voice which was raspy from the abundance of screaming.

"Wanna stay the night?"

"Can I?"

"Of course you can sweet heart."

[what-a-messsss]

2x1 rewatch

My poor Netflix is so confused.  I’ll hop on my phone to see if I can find a detail in an ep and then it’ll try to start the show again at halfway through 4x7 or the end of the finale, and I have to figure out what ep I’m actually looking for.

All aboard for “Unquiet Mind.”

Ok, realizing that Jacob and Vic are both ‘play with the radio’ types and Henry and Walt are both ‘or silence’ types is probably a bit funnier to me that it should be.  Didn’t really expect to be finding character parallels between those two.  

BAAAABY!  I totally forgot about the baby buffalo!  Eeeeee!  

Interesting that the prisoner (whose name I have totally braindumped, whoops) knows that Walt would know about the meaning of the white buffalo to the Cheyenne.

$10 says that doctor agent is a redhead because of Starling.  For being 2% of the population, redheads sure do make up a disproportionate part of fictional character real estate.  (I say with lots of love for Cady...)

Also, I feel offended on behalf of both the Red Pony and the Busy Bee by the sign Cowboy’s Corner claiming they have the best food in 3 counties.  Piffle.

“Progress.  Prosperity.  People.  I’m Branch Connally, and I can alliterate.  Vote for the PP People.”  Shut uuuuuup.  Jacob, I’m blaming you for this.  If it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t have had the money to be annoying us even when he’s hours away.  Boooo.  (I mean, obviously also blame Barlow, but that’s more of a ‘with a shovel to the face’ kind of blaming, rather than an eyeroll and calling ‘boooo’ at the screen because your fav was a pain.)

Ah ha, title drop.  I haven’t really paid that much attention to the episode titles, I’ll be honest.  This is the only title drop I can actually remember other than Jacob’s line about “Dogs, horses, and Indians,” although it still bothers me immensely that the episode title doesn’t have the Oxford comma, omGs.  

Durrel’s discoloured eye is really good.  I’m guessing a scleral contact lens?  Just different enough to be noticeable and a little off-putting without drawing too much focus.  It keeps the mental discomfort we get from it just around the unconscious level.

That’s right!  Ruby is out of town!  Min and I decided that she was at a conference in Idaho Falls, since we had already said that her family lives in Texas, and I like the idea of her also doing vocational enrichment training and keeping on the cutting edge of her wheelhouse of policing.  She’s a heckin’ boss, and I adore her.

This is the most random thing in the world, but that’s sort of my wheelhouse... Does Katee Sackoff have a scar on the tip of her nose?  Because I swear at 9:09-11 it looks like it.  Not that it matters, but I’ve never noticed it any other time, and now I’m really curious.

Ope, longer hair Henry in this flashback.  With emotions and it’s killing me.  I also didn’t think about the fact that the Halfmoon’s were talking to the white police instead of (in addition to?) the tribal police.  Though that would have been during Malachi’s reign, since it was 4 years ago.  Oof.

Is that a gas fire?  Because if that’s one of the lines on fire, isn’t the whole place in serious danger of going up in a massive explosion?  There was an explosion like that locally last year and it took out the whole station and killed two people.  Please tell me they called in the fire as soon as they saw it when they were pulling up.  (Of course they didn’t, who are we kidding.  It’s these two.)

So they’ve been driving along with their lights on, pull up maybe 8 feet from the abandoned prison van...  explain to me why he turns his headlights off at that point?  Anybody waiting to ambush them is going to have their eyes more adjusted to the dark, and these two loose the light and there is already no element of surprise because they pulled right up to the van.  Why did you turn the lights off, Walt?  I mean, maaaaaaybe the headlights being on would have reflected off of the van windows and make it harder to see inside?  But that is not particularly good reasoning, I feel.  (Meta guess being that the director/whomever figured that the lights off left them in a colder colour palate and heightened the drama.  Which... they’re not wrong.  But whyyyyyyy would Walt turn them off, not the director?)

“Come on out and I won’t shoot you!” prisoner McGoober yells, having just tried to take Vic out with a shot to center mass.  Ok, sure buddy, we believe you.  The laser sight catching the falling snowflakes does look cool.

Good use of an elbow, Walt.  I’m not actually sure if it was supposed to be a punch but wasn’t lined up great with the camera, but I’m ruling it an on purpose elbow, because Walt is absolutely a dirty fighter, and an elbow is more likely to lay somebody out if you’re close enough.

Oo, what amazing precautions you’re taking.  You actually grabbed a scarf.  And my gods, gloves.  ...work gloves?  Which I know from experience save next to no heat, what the hell, Walt.  I just... why hasn’t he closed his fucking coat??  ::screaming::  Staving off hypothermia isn’t emasculating, you KNOB.  Well at least the snowbunny actually brought a flashlight.  How forward thinking of him.  And has zipped up his coat.  Lawd.

Ew, I just agreed with Branch.  :(  How dare the writers make that happen.

And in strolls Agent Pretty von Douche to make everything just that much more annoying.  Special Agent in Charge Towson, FBI.  Burrpaderrpaderp. Myeh.  

Such special, very agent, much in charge, wow.  >insert doge meme here, lol<

“Whose in charge in his absence?”  Hmmmmmmm.  They ended the shot on Vic, and the look on her face is just... prophetic for how I figure she handles being in charge when Walt abruptly decides to fuck off into the wilderness for the Treasure Hunt portion of his Manly Midlife Crisis, before they can have an election.  Lol.  Womp womp.

Dang, spit strings dangling from your stubble is... uh, a look.  >.>  Did you know that your nose is one of the first parts of you that tends to get frostbite?  And that we know you have a scarf?  (Yelling at Walt is my new hobby.  It’s not a good hobby, but it is mine.)

HI HENRY.  Great, you’re at the hallucinating part of the fieldtrip.  Not that I’m complaining, because even your imaginary Henry is more sensible that you will generally let yourself be.  (Also, he’s pretty, and I am very shallow.)

Yeeee, one of the only poems that I actually have memorized.  Lovely Robert Frost.  Though Robert Burns would also be quite apt.  And miles to go before I sleep and all.  

“The cavalry has arrived.”  Henry is so fucking droll.  I can just imagine the little kernel of muted glee he has at the irony of using that phrase.  I adore him.  “We ate,” says von Douche.  Honey.  Booboo.  

Fuck off, von Douche.  He’s so In Charge.   Burrpaderrpaderp, pthb.  “Any request for activities will go through me.”  That’s so cute.  And Henry’s look would kill you at a thousand paces.  

It does annoy me that Vic keeps calling him Walt when talking about him with the fibbies.  Like, we get it, you’re real close with your boss, but you might get more traction with them by reinforcing the fact that he’s a fellow law enforcement officer and the head of your department by calling him the Sheriff rather than broadcasting how unprofessional you both are.  

Bless Ferg for actually speaking up, though.  Branch just falls in line without a peep (though if I remember, he’s plotting his own little insurrection.)  And Henry is just quietly in the background, gathering data and being invisible as he decides to be.

“I don’t like your tone.”  Well I don’t like you FACE.  That’s actually a lie, it’s a very nice face.  But you’re just such a douchecanoe.

For all that Branch is a rusty wingnut, he does occasionally have decent observational skills.  And he is less emotionally riled, so he sees that Henry is planning something while Vic is too busy fuming.  I’m wondering how that lands with Ferg/why he doesn’t notice, and I think he’s still just isn’t very good at thinking out of the box yet.  Or seeing stuff that’s out of the box.  He definitely gets better about it as time goes on, but it’s an interesting thing to think about as far as his character development.  He’s focused on what he can think of to help, and isn’t expanding that to see thinking about what others might be able to do to help, which Branch does, but Vic doesn’t.  

The gunshots in the cabin and the lever action rifle and all are taking me straight to the beginning of Red Dead2.  Sadie, is that you?  Nope, it’s Omar, aaaaahahaha, I forgot he was in this.

I love that Henry keeps his saddle at home/the bar.  I don’t know why I’m surprised, though.  Maybe figured that he’d keep it where the horses are stabled, I guess.  But I can imagine him keeping it close in case, and cleaning the tack and oiling the saddle as a way to unwind after a hard day or something.

Heeeeehehehe, the look on Henry’s face when he leans in to Branch and goes, “...supporting the FBI.”  Such a beautiful way of expressing how very little he thinks of Branch without ever having to say it.  “Right now, I am the sheriff.”  You are so deeply obnoxious.  And do not play nice with others.

And here’s Walt with his circumstantial evidence, laying out his assumptions, and being right, which is all good and such now, but he is so in the habit of doing this shit and being right that he cannot accept when he isn’t right about things.

Well at least Omar has his place stocked for the weather.  I know I fall farther on the ‘over prepare’ end of the spectrum, but Walt not having better gloves in his truck in the dead of winter makes me roll my eyes so dang hard.

This hallucination of Fales is a fascinating bit of character study both for Walt and for Fales.  Walt’s subconscious effectively calling him out for his suicidal tendencies with not there Fales asking him, “Are you looking to get yourself killed?” is more honesty than it seems like Walt tends to allow himself.

ASAC Hall is actually better at dealing with people like a human, but von Douche isn’t actually wrong.  Vic is understandably pissed by the withheld information, but she does stomp around like a bull in a china shop and pretty much never stops to think.  Maybe they all would have gotten farther if von Douche or Hall had asked the night before if the locals had other options, but unlikely.  

I FORGOT SHE PUNCHED HIM.  The look on Hall’s face was priceless.

Eeeeeee, I do love that Walt left a trail, knowing that Henry would be coming after him.  Branch’s comments to Henry show that while he can observe people and sometime predict how they’re going to act, he can’t really understand why they’re doing it, if it’s beyond his own lens of experiences (which are pretty fucked up).  Whether it’s cynicism or just stunted empathy, conceiving of someone’s motivations being selflessly altruistic are just beyond his ken.  That’s pretty sad, honestly, and makes me hate Barlow even more.  Everything in Branch’s life has been transactional, calculated.

Oh, and now he pulls something up over his mouth.  Ok.  Great, into the water.

I fucking love Ferg.  His gleeful awe over Vic hitting Towson literally made me press my hands to my face, giggling.  And he’s such a good friend.  And she’s such a pill.  I get that she’s feeling guilty and hurting, but it takes no effort not to take it out on Ferg.  How easy would it have been to say, “Somebody has to keep working on finding them.  Go back inside, Ferg,” instead of “You have to get out of here,” and just running him off like a jerk.

Cady having cut off contact with Walt gives me life.  AND THEN his shitty self-protecting LYING brain comforts him by having her say, “You were only trying to protect me, Dad, I get that,” because that’s what he keeps telling himself to excuse taking her agency away and lying to her for at least a year, and continuing to manipulate her!  GAAAAAH!  “I can’t lose you...”  THEN CHECK YOUR DAMN SELF, DISASTER BOI.

I’m not sure if hallucination!Theo telling him that there was nothing he could do is a sign of a healthy recognition of that, or the same kind of lying to himself because it’s what he wants to hear that he’s done with Cady?  The “...but I knew someone was coming to help me,” rather smacks of the latter, since earlier in the ep Walt says that that’s what he would want to know if he were held hostage.

I have decided (with my shippy goggles firmly in place, if not molecularly fused to my face) that him doubting that Henry is coming to help him is what makes him realize that he’s getting hypothermia.  Because the idea that Henry wouldn’t be coming to get him is so utterly ridiculous that clearly his brain is on the fritz.

The fact that the phone works after his dunking is also a minor miracle.  I know I said earlier that Walt is a dirty fighter, but oof, he’s the one who just took a dick shot.  I mean, that’s one way to use a cell phone.

Again, not super sure what it says about Walt for him to imagine Theo watch him in the process of killing Durrel.  Poor Henry.  That whole mess would have been incredibly stressful.  Your jackass boyfriend is way high maintenance in rather spectacular ways.

[bladekindeyewear]

Boots Reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 14 - Candy Page 27

==>

Alright, back from a brief excursion.  I really, REALLY wanna fucking finish this.  I want to see ROXY UNZOMBIFIED goddamnit, or at least get a REASON for her zombification, even if it’s just some Dirk-like villain who just cliffhangers himself away like a fucking asshole.

Also, comment on John’s whole rant... I guess John DID kind of want to be important.  Or... well, not “important” per se, but rather at least impactful in his friends’ lives.  It feels like they’re all walking dead through their own unsolved problems, trying to put on a pretty face, and nothing he tries to do matters, even attempted kidnapping.  He feels as useless as Dirk THINKS he is, but he never really was.  Gosh, I wish he’d pulled off that absurd kidnapping.  Freeing people from this sort of thing is supposed to kind of be his jam?

Okay, reading the new page.

FUCK.  TEN YEARS???????

Pff, John’s kid and sorta!Vriska.  Yeah I can buy that.

Also I love how they type out “Harry Anderson” every single time as his full first goddamn name.

--God damnit, how is Gamzee still fucking things up ten years later?  Hasn’t someone considered killing him?

Karkat and Meenah, also unsurprising.  Too bad Dave has to die unsatisfied.  >:(

Hm... this sorta!Vriska also has a weird Capitalization Quirk for Important Words, huh?  --Oh right, Kanaya raised her.  That might do it.

Hm, eyepatch?

Alright, the world’s falling into chaos.  Did the world HAVE to fucking fall into chaos in BOTH TIMELINES where these supposedly-went-through-a-successful-journey heroes managed to eek out victory despite opposing reality’s greatest tyrant?  Pfuh.

--and right.  Alt!Callie reinforces the idea that even though this possibility “wasn’t canon” -- which... means Meat is?? D: -- that the lives within still matter when looked at within their own bubble.

JADE: while abstracted heavily, and fully freed from all forces of narrative gravity, these events still represent possibilities that slept within the hearts of all who reside here.

Mhmm, part of an extension of themselves, their uniqueness, their hopes and dreams and... whatever WHOEVER did to fuck Roxy over.  Jesus DICK what’s happened to her I need to know you’d better fix this.

And somewhere within that mess, John Egbert is the best man at Jade and Dave’s wedding. He lasts nearly two hours before he gets a ruinous case of the sniffles.

Maybe they worked it out into ALMOST full mutual love?  Even if Dave’s 70% gayness goes totally unsatisfied?  I mean, I can hope, right?  :(

Dammit, Jade, couldn’t you have done this properly?  :C

and everyone knows that John has lost his family to Jane Crocker.

What the shit?!???

What drove Roxy away was him being depressed and just an all-around huge wet blanket who was impossible to live with. John is totally ready to own the fact that he was a bad husband, but maybe not the fact that he was a bad enough husband to drive his wife to passively support a brewing genocidal dictatorship. She looks happier, though, whenever he’s caught sight of her behind Jane—Calliope faithfully at her side—in any of the propaganda broadcasts that Jane passes off as business press conferences. By the time Roxy finally cut things off between them, he hadn’t personally seen her smile in years.

WHAT.  THE.  SHIT.

WHY DID ROXY DO ALL THIS THEN.  WHY DID SHE OF ALL PEOPLE, ONE OF THE MOST FORCEFUL AND SMART AND COOL--- GUHHH SHE JUST VOIDED HER WILL JUST OUT OF OBLIGATION TO JOHN OR SOMETHING?????????? WHAT THE FUCK WHYYYYYYY

Characters choke.  Characters make bad decisions.  That’s fair.  Andrew’s said that before.  But John was VISIBLY RECOGNIZING HOW OUT OF CHARACTER ROXY WAS ACTING.  WHYYYYYYYYY DID IT HAPPEN, WHY SUDDENLY DECADES OF MISHANDLED RELATIONSHIP WITH ABSOLUTELY NOBODY POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS WHAT THE FUCK.  AND ROXY WAS THE ONE WHO STARTED IT AND PUSHED INTO JOHN UNTIL HE ACCEPTED.  WHY.

WHY.

Read.  Calm down.  Read.  There had better be.  A FUCKING.  ANSWER.

Hi military rebellion leader Karkat.

KARKAT: OH MY GOD JOHN, STOP BEING SO FUCKING PATHETIC FOR JUST A MINUTE. COULD YOU DO THAT FOR ME? JOHN: i don’t know. that’s a pretty big favor you’re asking me there, karkat.

heheh

JOHN: i dunno. it doesn’t seem responsible, really... to dedicate my life to something so important when i’m in a place where i can’t even find the energy to think that getting out of bed in the morning is “important.”

Depression stuff, yeah.

John really needs a psychologist who isn’t just Rose.

pff, yifftrain.

That’s how the years pass. Faster and faster the longer it goes. 

What.  The.  Fuck.

We’re not going to get any answers are we.  Roxy just acted out of character for no reason, didn’t she.  This is-- no, Andrew’s too GOOD at this for that to-- I mean--  is there a big answer he’s just not telling us-- FUCK!!!!  D:

AAAAAAAA

This sucks.  This sucks this sucks this SUCKS.  But I’ll keep reading.  I have to know.  If I’m ever going to be able to stand, like, i dunno... homestuck rp i guess? i should probably keep reading.  and hope i recover.  eventually.

But that’s only part of it. Above this Earth, the dead cherub is still meditating, waiting for the day when she can have her own heroic apotheosis. Waiting for the day when she can confront the one she calls the Prince. And on this Earth, John is just waiting for the day that feeling finally stops. That feeling that he’s still waiting for something, and the even worse feeling that years ago, he missed his only chance to put an end to it. If you stand on a very high hill at dawn, you can watch your shadow move in an arc around you.

Yeah, reinforcing that John would be happier in the timeline where he did something and -- at least temporarily, since there’s hope of future revival -- “died” because of it, even if he wasn’t clear on why what he was trying to do even really mattered in the whole scheme of things.

...which is pretty weird when you consider the ending of Homestuck didn’t try to express that messa-- no, wait.  I guess it did?

Yes, everyone went to the post-victory planet to live out indefinite lives, but there WAS still the stage play.  Proving that John, at least, WOULD eventually step outside the happy ending to instead risk his life doing something important.  They earned both possibilities, really, to choose from at their will.

...Aren’t there another dozen pages or so left in this Candy segment, though??  Are we gonna follow their kids or something?

==>

...Okay so stuff still needs to happen here, plotways.  Good.  I think.

A flash above the clouds catches John’s attention: another ghost, falling down from wherever it is they come from. John follows after the light with an exhausted sigh. The novelty of dead trolls falling from the sky has really worn off over the years. But he might as well go warn the new arrival that they’ve landed in the middle of an imminent warzone. He sets down at the edge of the crater and peers through the smoke.

He recognizes the ghost immediately, because he sees a younger version of her almost every day.

JOHN: vriska?

Vriska’s face snaps up, eyes blazing. Eyes. Actual eyes, with expression, color, pupils, and everything.

JOHN: wait. you’re... JOHN: alive??

PFFFFFFhahahahah!

That’s pretty hilarious.  Vriska fell into the singularity and popped out here.

...Yeah, you can’t stand having missed the most “important” bit, can you.  Too bad.  You didn’t have the spotlight in the end.

==>

JADE: it is the one i have been waiting for all these years. JADE: we have run along parallel lines for what may as well be eternity, but my gravitational well has finally ensnared him. JADE: and now he is due to fall into this world.

Uhh, who?  Davebot or something, from the postscript?  Couldn’t be Gamzee, unless it’s, like... a different Gamzee.

“Chaos war”?  That’s a dramatic title.

==>

Hmm, reading reading...

Will Dad’s passing knock any sense into you?  Probably not.

...yeah, it wasn’t going to be that easy, was it?

Of course.  Of course Dad died saving the President.

Although, she’s going to assign fault to Karkat and then want to start a full bloody war over it, so, the opposite of having sense knocked into her then.

JANE: UGH! JANE: That... that fool!! JANE: I can’t believe that he would do this! JANE: How could he do this to me!?! JAKE: Janey... JANE: The human president could be anyone! JANE: My dad can’t be anyone but him!

Jane, you’ve become a real asshole.  :(

...Fuck you Gamzee.

GAMZEE: hEy. GAMZEE: Do YoU tHiNk ThAt MiGhT bE a BiT mOtHeRfUcKinG xEnOpHoBiC?

PFFFFHAHAHAHAHAAHAHhhh oh my GOD :’D

JANE: What? You think appealing to me with your disgusting little addiction is going to sway me?

Oh Jesus Christ that’s horrifying.  THAT’s what’s been going on.  I don’t want to visualize it, dear lord.

==>

Hahahah, catching Vriska up.  She’s practically curling up in a ball like Squidward in future shock.

PFFF PUTTING PARENS AROUND HER NAME SHE CAN’T STAND BEING IRRELEVANTIZED LIKE THAT

JOHN: i was supposed to go fight lord english, but i didn’t. so now we’ve gone beyond, like, the event horizon of canon. (VRISKA): What the fuck does that even MEAN????????

Wait, shouldn’t YOU know exactly what that means, Vriska?  Like, better than most people at least?

JOHN: all i know is that all of this is my fault.

:(

JOHN: it’s been turning around in my head like this for a while. i thought... JOHN: why does everything here fucking SUCK so much? JOHN: how the hell did we even make it from point A to point festering clusterfuck? JOHN: it doesn’t follow any kind of logic i understand, or any sort of basic sense i have about who we are as people... JOHN: and why? why have we all ended up so unhappy and... twisted up?

Yeah, a BUNCH of people have acted really goddamn out of character and it’s unclear why.

JOHN: i got everything i wanted. everyone got what they— JOHN: what i thought they wanted. JOHN: and that’s just it, isn’t it? JOHN: the more i think about it, i’m the only factor that matters to anything.

--What?!?  No!!!  You could SEE that this wasn’t what you thought they wanted right from the get-go.  It couldn’t have been YOUR imagination that this realm of alternative possibility was drawn from, could it?  D:

JOHN: whatever i did, or didn’t do, just... destroyed reality’s ability to, like, substantiate itself, or whatever. JOHN: like there’s a bug in the operating system of whatever force in this world that regulates cause and effect. JOHN: everything’s been unraveling. nothing that happens makes sense anymore. JOHN: and now i’m the only person out here who’s even real at all! JOHN: hahahaha.

That’s certainly an idea at least, that people started acting out of character as we went further from “canon”.  In fact, it’s kind of a slam at fanfics, maybe?  Acknowledging that they distort the characters by understanding them in different ways, sometimes, and.. hm.

(VRISKA): Hahahahahahahaha... Wow, I’ve never seen a guy get his 8ulge all the way down his own swallow chute 8efore! JOHN: wait, what? (VRISKA): Good fuck. Do you actually think reality gives that much of a shit a8out you? (VRISKA): Get real, Eg8ert. (VRISKA): It’s not like you’re me. JOHN: ok, well. JOHN: that’s fair i guess.

Heheheh.  ...Yeah, Vriska might pep talk him out of this self-deprecating theory of his.  Besides, I mean... is that the ONLY cause for this whole fucking situation?  That Roxy’s will got eroded to nothing arbitrarily either at random in a glitching non-canon timeline or because John kind of maybe thought something was going to happen and reality decided to run with it??

...heheh, “batterpanzers”.

I’m pretty sure caring what “c8non” is supposed to be is EXACTLY the thing you’re freaking out about, Vriska, whether you realize it or not.

Oooh, Gamzee.  Do we get to see Vriska kill him?

Yeaaah... redemption ain’t for THIS sp8der.  The ghost version of Vriska got the closest thing to redemption she’ll ever get; THIS version never learned any damn lessons and is not going to accept that she ever NEEDS to.  Also, you said her name in relevance-reducing parentheses.  Bad move.

==>

Yaaaay here’s the bunch of indigo blood we were promised!! :D

Where’s the nudity though? Maybe that’s coming.

He yowls as if he had actual testicles to be mauled, and for all anyone knows, maybe he really does.

It’s reassuring to see that while Andrew is more than willing to give us WAY too much genital detail in some cases throughout this epilogue, he still knows how to deftly exploit the parts of anatomy that still AREN’T explicitly characterized and remain intentionally vague for their impactful resulting humor.  :)

She lunges at Gamzee’s catastrophic face lips-first, and practically dives into his mouth, ramming her tongue into his

NOOO FUCK HE WAS ABOUT TO DIE AAAAAA D’:

FUCK  :(

Okay, back on to anything but this.

==>

Oh shit, double Vriska.  This might be bad.

...Phew.  Nice save, John.

JOHN: ha ha. yeah, right. because this is real life, right? JOHN: i guess reading narrative relevance into a bunch of dumb and totally random events is kind of lame and childish. ROSE: No, that isn’t what I meant at all. ROSE: By all means, apply a narrative to our lives. Up until a certain point, it would have been perfectly accurate to do so. ROSE: But not anymore. JOHN: because... it’s not canon, right? ROSE: Do you remember what I told you years ago? About the three pillars of canon?

Wuh-oh.

ROSE: As I explained to you on that morning sixteen years ago, there are three critical features of canon: essentiality, relevance, and truth. JOHN: yeah. ROSE: We have been untethered from the mooring of “truth” for some time now. ROSE: So while we, in our subjective experiences of conscious perception, feel in this moment that we have known each other for a very long time, technically it’s not true at all.

...Okay.  Okay.

So.  Were, like.

Roxy and Calliope affected by the, like... “untruth wave” of his choice not to go the hardest, because he made it in their vicinity?  And that turned Roxy into a hypnozombie with minimal apparent free will? :C

...Oh wow.  She’s thanking John that she got a chance to be happy in this side timeline, even if so many other people suffered.  Because of the fucking hell Dirk was about to unleash on her in the Meat timeline.  Fuck.

ROSE: In the silly wizard story I wrote when I was a child, ROSE: The realm most comparable to heaven existed in a state of subliminal conditionality, dependent on the inscience of the individual experiencing it. ROSE: Which is to say that it would cease to exist the moment you realized what it was. ROSE: And so, those with knowledge could never truly be happy.

Oh wow, huh.  Yeah, knowing you’re just in a fanfic kind of screws your appreciation for life around you, huh.  So John got fucked over a bit by his metatextual awareness.  :(

And... Rose was, like, cut off by his choice from her own metatextual awakening, maybe?  Hence her ability to appreciate a life somewhere disconnected from anything “canon”?

ROSE: But that isn’t me anymore. ROSE: I am blind against the veil of this world. ROSE: It’s all ambrosia to me. ROSE: I don’t care if it’s not true. I care even less if it’s not canon. ROSE: I have a beautiful wife who I love more than I thought possible, and a daughter who I am immeasurably proud of. ROSE: It can all be senseless, ephemeral noise that dissolves in the void. A whisper swept up by the wind before it’s uttered. ROSE: I’m still grateful to have felt this way.

:’)

Alright, this might be a pretty good way of accepting their potential happiness in different timelines as a potential substitute for Dirk’s mess.  I’m not sure HOW well I’ll be able to internalize it to stop the stomach cramps, but we’ll see.

We still have a little bit more left, though.  Next post.

[lightsandlostbells]

Druck season 2, episode 6 reaction

I’m slightly behind on the Druck reactions, though not for lack of interest, just lack of energy. Going to try to catch up because do I ever have feelings about this season.

Episode 6

Clip 1 - Good morning starshine

We see the flat’s bathroom and is that shit on the toilet seat????? Or barf???? Whyyyyy Druck whyyyyyyy. 

Mia comes into the bathroom, glowing, happy, but the peaceful moment is interrupted by Hans lurking in the tub telling her not to open the toilet seat. He says he’ll clean it up in the moment, but he does not seem to be well, to say the least.

Okay, it’s puke, which is like … marginally better than poop.

Hans is clearly hungover and has vomit around his mouth. And over the side of the tub. Thanks again, Druck. They’re really just going for the disgusting things in the flat’s bathroom this season, aren’t they? If Mia moves out and Matteo moves in, you know they’re all doomed.

Mia happily says she’ll clean it up, perky as a blonde Snow White, and Hans immediately recognizes the difference between Mia yelling at him to wipe up urine off the toilet seat versus this morning angel volunteering to clean up someone else’s vomit as if she were offering to taste-test cupcakes.

Of course it’s because Mia is high off last night’s kiss. She’s gonna clean up puke, make Hans some tea, and offer encouragement as he drags himself out of the tub. Love keeps lifting her higher and higher.

Alexander texts her good morning. Mia teases him about not recognizing the number or knowing who he is, he teases her back about thinking it was Sara’s number, they exchange pleasantries. It’s an adorable interaction. Mia is on cloud 9. So you know, let’s see how long that lasts!

Clip 2 - Alexander the actor

LMAO, we get a stalker shot of Mia coming out of her place to her bike in the morning, and of course it’s a car that drives up to her, and of course it’s Alex’s car.

They have some banter about his Porsche and he suggests they carpool for the sake of the environment, he teases her for being a hipster, it’s cute. He jokes about having kids and Mia is like, later? I wanted to start right away. To which he says he disapproves of condoms anyway, and like, don’t ruin this banter, dude. Don’t remind me of your past selfishness in not wanting to use condoms with other girls. Or maybe it’s better that I don’t forget about it.

Alex mimes zipping his lips and throwing away the key to indicate that they’ll be discreet at school. Some dude honks at Alex for blocking the way with his car, calling him names. And Alex takes the time to be extra as fuck and show off the skills from his improv classes and gets out of the car and pretends to pick up the invisible key he threw away. He doesn’t drive away until he’s gotten the key and unzipped his lips. JFC. Why is that so charming? I completely get why Mia has feelings for him despite her brain telling her it’s a bad idea, despite knowing of some awful things he’s done. No offense to any William fans, but he seemed like the kind of guy who, if you went to dinner with him, you’d have a lot of awkward silences and end up faking an emergency text message. I would totally go to dinner with Alexander and watch him do these impromptu performances.

Clip 3 - Listen to Sam FFS

Mia and Hanna are doing homework. Hanna isn’t into it. Mia is also not into it, for different reasons.

Hanna tells Mia that Jonas tried to kiss her on Friday, but Mia is so distracted looking at Kiki’s throwback picture of the girls at the cabin for NYE that she doesn’t even notice. Hanna has to text Mia when she’s sitting right next to her to get her attention, heh.

Mia wants to know why Hanna didn’t tell her and it’s because Mia has been gone and distant lately. Mia looks pained and she leans into Hanna and whispers something to her, no prize for guessing what she says.

Mia looks pained while Hanna asks about the Alex kiss, but also a little glow-y. She knows it’s a bad situation, she puts out the obligatory statement but she hates him, but she can’t completely keep her fondness under wraps. Neither of them buy that Mia really hates Alexander anymore.

In a spectacularly bad bit of timing, Hanna asks what about Kiki just as Sam enters their usual study room. I’m in awe of how Sam’s green lollipop matches her lipstick. Which do you think comes first: the choice of lipstick or lollipop? Or the nails, which are also green? Or does she decide the color first, and then everything must match? That seems most efficient.

While Mia says it’s nothing at first, Sam asks whether it has anything to do with Mia’s secret meetings with Alexander. Sharp cookie! She manages to guess that Mia and Alex really have a thing, and Mia asks to keep it to herself for now. Sam is like, duh, Kiki will lose her shit if she hears. Hanna says Kiki seemed to cope with the Alex thing well and Sam says no, she only pretends like it. Kiki feels like shit but she knows Mia is tired of Kiki whining and talking about Alex all the time, so that’s why she’s not talking about it. OUCH. OUCH OUCH OUCH. Man, that hit me surprisingly hard. Sam says Kiki admires Mia so much and sends her tons of messages about everything Mia does, just to rub it in my emotions more.

Mia looks miserable and like, I feel for her buuuuut all of this is deserved and she needs to feel this.

Sam says it’s not serious with Mia and Alex, is it? And when Mia doesn’t answer but the answer is clearly yes, Sam just sighs in exasperation. I feel you, babe. Oh to be a Sam on the edge of all this constant drama.

This scene hurt a lot. I loved Sam just calling Mia out and not sugarcoating it; I like that Kiki does seem to have someone firmly on her side in this situation. Not that Sam is anti-Mia or anything, just that she realizes Kiki’s side of the situation, much like Hanna is more Mia-aligned, I think, as Mia’s closest friend. And I don’t love that Kiki is only pretending to be OK because she doesn’t want to annoy Mia, because if she’s really hurting she should be able to talk to people about it, but that was a really sharp bit of insight and had such a big impact on how I viewed the situation. We already know that Kiki really loves Mia and values her opinion. We saw that she was hurt when Mia gave her a generic gift for Christmas, we saw that she was upset when Mia tried to insert herself into Kiki’s life and confront her about her eating disorder and her exercise and the plastic surgery. Kiki was defensive but I think it really hurt her that this was coming from Mia, because she looks up to Mia and Mia clearly disapproved of Kiki’s behavior. She knows that Mia is sick of hearing about Alex from Kiki, which must really sting Mia, because it’s a reaction that Mia herself has created. Mia made it so Kiki was unwilling to let out her true feelings, she made it so Kiki is apparently putting on this fake happy face. That must make Mia feel even more like shit, on top of everything with Alexander.

Clip 4 - Workout tips with Kiki

Mia meets Kiki on the field to run in the morning.  Mia wants to talk to Kiki, and I thought she was going to bring up Alexander, but it seems more like she wants to test the waters and check in on how Kiki’s doing.

Kiki assumes that talking to her is the newest strategy for Mia to prevent Kiki from working out, and that’s just a little line and a joke, but I think it says SO much about how Kiki sees Mia right now. Mia is someone who is inherently judgmental and wants to interfere with Kiki’s life. She’s someone who sees a lot of problems with Kiki’s behavior and is on a mission to meddle, so when Mia says she wants to talk, Kiki jumps to an ulterior motive. And listen, Kiki has a lot of flaws as a human being, I realize that she’s not a pleasant person and people dislike her for valid reasons, but this makes me feel for her. This is why I like her as a character if not necessarily being a great fan of her as a person, if that makes sense - she makes sense to me as a character. This type of vulnerability feels very real. I think Druck has put a lot of thought into her characterization and into the Mia-Kiki relationship.

Mia suggests stretching but Kiki’s like, lol no. They run laps, Mia trails behind Kiki, the distance between them getting wider and wider. A funny sight gag as well as a nice representation of their conflict and Mia leaving Kiki out of the loop.

Mia has to stop, she’s out of breath and panting. She’s got a stitch in her side and her feet hurt after 10 minutes. I FEEL YOU, DARLING. I have never been Mia harder than in this clip. Lmao, the difference between Mia who gets out of gym claiming to have her period vs Kiki who’s swimming in an ice cold lake in the morning.

Kiki tells Mia to do exercises while doing other activities, and Mia jokes you can do “push-ups on top of your lover” and Kiki’s like sure, can you find me one? And lol, Mia has to step back after that. TOO REAL. 

Kiki just does the splits like it’s no big deal. Wow. Okay. Color me impressed.

Mia asks how Kiki is doing, if she’s OK, and Kiki’s like, why wouldn’t I be OK? It’s been 30 days since Alex dumped me, why would I still be whining about that, it doesn’t make sense! Hahaha! Mia’s face tells us she thinks this is bad news and that Kiki’s just bottling up her feelings. Makes me sad that Kiki is downplaying her emotions to Mia, who’s supposed to be her friend. It’s OK to still be upset, Kiki has very legitimate reasons to feel hurt. She doesn’t have to force herself to be fine if she’s not.

Kiki says she doesn’t want to know who Alexander is with now, which is even worse news and of course the worst thing Mia could hear. I feel like not telling her now made it an extra sting later for Kiki, though. Like she must realize afterwards that Mia was feeling the guilt with suddenly wanting to work out and check in with Kiki, but she still kept this secret that she knew would hurt her.

So Mia did not tell her about Alexander. I think she wanted to know how Kiki was genuinely doing before she told her about Alexander, but that’s still no excuse for continuing to hide it from her. If Kiki was feeling like utter garbage and said so, what would Mia have done? How is she supposed to tell Kiki about it after that? Mia wanted to know if Kiki was okay not just out of concern for her friend, but to alleviate her guilt - to know that when she did tell Kiki, it wasn’t going to be a big deal for her.

Clip 5 - Mia and Alexander are the epitome of discretion

Heh, the time card is upside down! We see Hanna is upside down and glimpsing the world that way, so it’s a fun, fitting gag. This clip aired January 31 which is Backwards Day. I love that we had this little cheeky moment.

Hanna’s upset because she saw the IG videos of Jonas and Matteo playing table tennis, and now Jonas is smoking pot even in the mornings before school, and he’s drinking more than ever. Hanna says she’s worried about him, and Mia tells her it’s not her job to take care of him. I appreciate that she said that, because I’m worried about Jonas as much as anyone, I love that guy. And I love Jonas and Hanna together! But I don’t want Hanna to feel pressured into, say, getting back together with him just to keep him sober, or to blame herself for what’s happening with him. Ultimately that’s his responsibility. 

Mia has to leave Hanna, though, and go meet up with Alex. He’s standing in a nook of lockers … is there a door?????? I don’t think so. CHILDREN, BE SMART ABOUT THIS, FOLLOW YOUR HEART BUT TAKE YOUR BRAIN WITH YOU.

They make out until they hear a sound. Let’s be real, when you’re making out in a space like that, where anyone could walk by, it’s not about being secretive, it’s the thrill of not getting caught.

Alex asks her how long this will remain a secret and Mia suggests she come over later that night. Mia looks so dreamy and happy when she looks at him, geez. It’s funny if you realize they’re so busy staring into each other’s eyes that they don’t even notice Mia’s lipstick violently smeared over their mouths as if they were sucking blood from each other’s necks. 

After Alex leaves, Mia goes out with her lipstick FUCKED UP, smeared everywhere. Luckily she runs into Leonie and Sara and not, say, Kiki.

Leonie asks Mia a question about the ads for the book, and then she and Sara stare at Mia looking like she ate somebody’s heart. When she asks what’s up, they’re like, no reason, LMAO. That is not an A+ move, ladies, give Mia break and maybe a tissue, but I’m not gonna lie that it made me laugh. 

Clip 6 - And no one watched Harry Potter that night

Alex pours some wine for Mia and sniffs it before drinking. Was that genuine? Or was he putting her on? Mia snorts but dials it back; Alex smiles a bit. I think it was a real moment showing what class he comes from, but that he has a sense of humor to recognize it’s ridiculous.

They’re looking for a movie to watch. Mia wants to watch something you can watch over and over, which, let’s be real, is the best thing to watch when you know you’re probably going to be making out during the movie. He suggests Harry Potter. 

I love that they didn’t have the same HP movie in mind. Literally no set of opinions on this planet is as intense and divisive as people’s Harry Potter opinions.

I find it very charming that Alexander mentions Sirius Black, and then they start making out as if HP is bedroom talk, because look, I can moan and groan about various aspects of HP and JKR all I want, but ... same.

Someone rings the doorbell. Dinner! OH SHIT IT’S AMIRA. She’s a delivery girl and she tells Alex not to tell anyone about this. Goddamn. I don’t think anyone in the fandom called this as her big secret. Pavel is her boss. Just as an aside ... she’s looking cute in her delivery gear.

And of course Mia gives herself away that she’s chilling at Alex’s. You can see Amira thinking goddammit, I wish I just walked in on a drug deal.

Now all the girl squad knows EXCEPT Kiki. What a total mess.

Amira chews out Mia and says it’s going to get revealed, WTF is she doing. She’s right and she should say it.

Before Amira leaves, Mia says Amira could’ve told them about this, too. Which is nice in the sense that Amira can open up with her friends, but lol, this secret is not anything like Mia’s in terms of causing friendship damage.

Mia sits back on the couch with Alex, but there’s space between them. The mood is clearly ruined, for good reason. Mia takes a drink of wine. Probably need to finish the bottle, dear.

The song: “You just made the worst mistake / And you’ll regret it darling” Well ... yeah. 

Clip 7 - And no one ate dinner that night

We see Kiki at Mia’s flat, while Mia and the roommates zip around her in fast forward preparing dinner, and Kiki just sits there and watches. Interesting directing choice, I guess to emphasize how Kiki’s out of the loop? She showed up and is sitting still, they’re busy, it shows both how she’s the outsider, not just in the flat but in terms of knowledge. Like it’s very interesting to me how they film her from behind, at the table, while the other three are lined up at the counter. When Han leans forward and interacts with her directly, that’s when it slows down because she’s brought into the circle. She looks a little confused or anxious as she sits there, not like she’s just chilling having a good time drinking wine and talking to the others. And showing her sitting at the table watching them emphasizes how she’s the guest of honor at this dinner. Mia’s being a thoughtful friend cooking for her, she’s expecting a nice evening with Mia. It’s not gonna go the way she thinks. 

Linn asks why Mia never cooks for them and Hans says Mia has to BE there to cook, she’s always gone in the night. Mia glares at Hans because holy shit is that information not going to go down well in a few minutes. 

Kiki wants to live in a flat sharing situation so she can cook and hang and talk about everything with her friends. This bit also adds to the beginning of the clip, the feeling of separation - like Kiki desires what Mia and her roommates have, she’s the outsider looking in at them. I wonder if we’ll ever get insight into her home life? Does she feel she lacks this warmth with her family? Hans is like “talk about everything, we’ve heard so much about you,” and that gets another look from Mia. Hans sure loves dropping hints, doesn’t he. In turn, Mia hints that Hans and Linn are supposed to leave. She manages to kick Hans and Linn out, but only after Linn tells us she gets nightmares from ginger. Is that a real thing or a Linn thing? I looked it up but all I found about foods giving you nightmares were about junk food, dairy products, or carbs.

Kiki was chill with them staying but she also likes it just being her and Mia, she likes that they’re spending so much time together, and ohhhhh nooooooo. Kiki thinks so highly of Mia and she’s going to realize that this time spent with her was Mia trying to alleviate her guilt. 

This looks like a date, dude.

LMAO RIGHT AFTER I WROTE THAT Kiki is like, should I be worried? Mia, panicking: “Why?” Kiki: “Is this a date and you really want to hook up with me?” IF ONLY

GODDAMMIT, right after she asks that Mia looks stressed, Kiki is like, are you bi or not, and WE DON’T GET AN ANSWER. By now I know the show addresses it, but I don’t blame people for getting stressed at these little halfway non-answers.

When Mia starts to tell her, you can see Kiki’s mood change from “I need to tell you something” when she’s more open to becoming harder and less pleased as soon as Mia mentions “last week at the party.” She just knows what’s coming. She saw Mia and Alexander together, she’s heard Sam mention how they were always together, she had her suspicions, and she knows what Mia is about to say will involve her and Alexander.

Mia is upset and tearful as she tells Kiki about Alexander being interested in her and how her feelings toward him changed. Kiki seems like she’s shut down in a no-nonsense kind of way, jaw clenched. Clearly it must be upsetting for her to hear this, but she’s not like acting out in an emotional way, she’s sort of holding it together while Mia starts to cry. 

Mia says that she feels horrible and no guy is as important in the world as their friendship, but I don’t think Kiki is convinced. Mia says when Kiki wants her to stop contacting Alexander, she’ll stop, and OH NO, MIA, NOT LIKE THAT. Kiki catches it too, “contacting,” that there was more than just a kiss. Kiki finally has an outburst and says that Mia has always said Alexander is an asshole and too good for Kiki, but he’s good enough for Mia? I mean ... yeah, something deeply hypocritical about disapproving of your friend’s FWB every change you get, and then hooking up with him yourself. Especially considering how Mia has judged so many of Kiki’s choices, to the point where Kiki locked up her feelings about being dumped just because she knew Mia was sick of hearing about Alexander ... and then Mia goes behind Kiki’s back and gets with Alexander? It’s not just about Alexander, but about what this says about Mia thinks of Kiki, the lack of respect she has for her, possibly that Mia doesn’t care for Kiki like Kiki cares for Mia, enforced by other aspects of the season.

Mia asks Kiki to tell her what to do and she’ll do it. Kiki says to leave him alone, Mia says OK. I really cannot fault Kiki for this. Yeah, it’s not like she should control who Mia sees, but Mia has come to her and put this burden on Kiki’s shoulders, and it’s more about Mia’s feelings than Kiki’s, IMO. Of course Mia cares about Kiki, but what Mia is looking for here is an answer to her problem. I think what she wants is acceptance/forgiveness/permission so Mia doesn’t have to feel bad anymore, but also, it’s possible that she wants Kiki to tell her to break up with Alexander so the choice isn’t on Mia - Mia can break up with him and feel like she’s doing it for a noble cause, because I think Mia does have doubts about being with him, both because it’s Alexander and because of her past experience of getting close to her friend’s brother. Moreover, she wants the choice taken out of her hands, so it’s not Mia’s fault what happens next. And I don’t think this is fair to Kiki, for Mia to present her heart and happiness to her and put her in this position of having to tell Mia what she should do. Like, accept Mia and Alexander’s relationship so Mia can be happy, at the expense of Kiki’s own feelings? Or make Mia miserable by being the bad guy and telling her to break up with him? Absolutely not fair.

Kiki says she better leave and she does, without any drama. The acting was excellent in this scene, both of them sold the hell out of it. 

I thought the clip might end here, with Mia crying and contemplating what she has to do, but next we see Mia showing up at Alexander’s. She just walks in and talks off her coat and shoes and flops on the bed. He sits behind her and she pulls his arm around her. Oh boyyyyy. Mia. What u doin.

What I thought might happen after I saw this clip was that maybe Mia thought it’d be like a “last night” sort of thing, where she’d spend one more night with Alexander and then break up with him in the morning. That obviously didn’t happen, because Mia didn’t do what Kiki asked.

I don’t think Mia is like ... obligated to follow Kiki’s orders. Of course not. But she put the request to Kiki, asked her while crying what she should do, tell her what to do, and then when Kiki gave her an answer she didn’t like, she ignored it. I thought she might use the excuse to break up with him because of her own doubts about the relationship, but I think hearing Kiki say the words made her realize how much she didn’t want to do that, and that’s why she needed to head over to Alexander’s that very night. 

But it is shitty of Mia to tell Kiki she’ll do something and then not do it. It’s shitty of her to hide it from Kiki and the others. This isn’t the way to handle it. 

Also, I think Mia telling Kiki over this fancy dinner that she cooked herself was kinda the wrong move? Not that any way would’ve been easy to tell her. But there’s a sense of maybe Mia trying to overcompensate and even butter up Kiki, like it would’ve been less awkward if Mia just sat her down somewhere private and told her. Have one of those Skam bench talks. Kiki also thought this dinner was going to be a sweet bonding gesture and it turns out Mia was planning on telling something that would hurt her. Additionally, Mia did the thing with the exercising earlier this week, asking to work out with Kiki which is a very unusual occurrence. So she delayed telling Kiki then, and she made it seem like she wanted to hang out just to hang out. 

Social Media/General Comments

Alex continues the joke from one of the clips, where he pretends to be texting Sara and then he ends up asking to meet up with Mia but Mia says no, she has to study. He asks if she’s ghosting him but she says no, she would like to hang, but she wants to take it slow. And the conversation ends with <3 once Alex confirms he will NOT in fact be meeting with Sara and copying her boobs. Their banter is pretty enjoyable.

As seen in the clip, Kiki did a throwback picture of the girls on NYE, tagged #BFFS #CREWLOVE #FOREVER and I was like … that sure was passive-aggressive. Or pointed? Guilt-tripping? I think she really did suspect something was happening with Mia and Alex and she’s remembering how she said she could trust/rely on all of the girls on NYE, and that was a “subtle” reminder.

Hanna and Sam text about the drama after they talk with Mia, lmao. Poor Sam says she never has drama and Hanna says good, she doesn’t want it! Poor Hanna, she still has drama now with Jonas even after they broke up.

Kiki asks the girls to go to the movies, but they’re all busy. Amira has “family” (borrowing the old Isak excuse, I see) and Mia doesn’t even explain herself, which makes sense because she was having a movie night with Alexander. But you know, she didn’t even bother to lie.

After Mia and Amira find out each other’s secrets, Amira texts her saying she knows it’s hypocritical but please don’t tell anyone about her job. I mean, I guess it’s hypocritical in the sense that Amira doesn’t want Mia to keep her own secret, but Amira’s secret has like ... no effect on the other girls. They’re not going to get mad and personally hurt that Amira has a job, she’s not doing wrong by them, whereas Mia’s secret will hurt Kiki (and cause a lot of drama among the girls). So I don’t think Amira’s being very hypocritical at all.

Amira doesn’t want her family to know that she has a job. They want her to focus on school. Amira wants money to go to Australia after graduation and her parents won’t pay for it. That’s really cool. I’m so skeptical about getting a S4 since the characters will be graduating, but maybe we can get Amira’s travel adventures? Amira goes to Australia and meets a handsome guy named Yousef down under?

I love that Mia is all “I wouldn’t have expected that from you” (about Australia) because it shows that people are constantly underestimating Amira, eh?

I love that cute picture of Mia in a bathrobe with a towel wrapped around her hair that Alex took.

Hanna texts Matteo about Jonas smoking pot and being worried about him, and Matteo is worried, too. But he tells Hanna not to do anything or it’ll make it worse. Because, well, Jonas’ pot smoking and misery are Hanna-related. Matteo says he will take care of it. 

Not to get super personal but this storyline is bringing back all kinds of memories for me, because I had a close version of this happen to me in real life. I wasn’t the Mia or Kiki, I was the Amira. Two friends of mine started dating behind everyone’s back, because another friend had well-known feelings for one of them and Friend A who had initially been trying to hook up Friends B and C then started dating C herself. And like Amira, I randomly found out about their secret relationship, though it wasn’t because I delivered food to them, but because another friend and I drove past A and C holding hands in a Walmart parking lot at 11 pm. Just driving through the lot, looking for an empty space, going to buy a stapler, and we see our friends happily walking our way swinging their hands together. The world went into slow motion as they walked past the car and we looked directly at each other with looks of horror. In retrospect that’s hilarious, but it ended up causing so much teen drama simply because they hid it from everyone, whereas if they’d been upfront it probably would have been fine. And also, as Amira says: something like this always gets revealed. It’s just the way of the universe. So it’s been a little surreal watching this as someone a little older and (hopefully) wiser.

Feel free to explain German culture/translation details to me if I missed them.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

[mtvswatches]

Jane the Virgin 1x18 Chapter Eighteen

Spoilers disclaimer (please read before sending messages or writing comments.)

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) I like this Jane…

It’s basically eight-year-old me.

2) I don’t know how I feel about this message, though…

I get why you need to banish doubt in religion – if you don’t, you’ll question every little thing you believe in. Of course, I believe in questioning EVERYTHING, but that’s beside the point. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is a very powerful message to convey to a young kid – they may grow up believing that they should not doubt or question anything – not only religion, and to take everything at face value. That’s a detrimental indoctrination.

3) Just please let this be the episode where Jane and Rafael break up. I’m so fucking tired of their storylines following the same pattern in every single episode and having the same result – they’re all lovey-dovey, something comes up and Jane questions something about their relationship, they fight, they say I love you, and back to square one. ENOUGH ALREADY. This is seriously putting me off the show.

4) To be fair, Xiomara…

NARRATOR: In 1991, Rogelio's mom walked in on them in flagrante, so to speak. And she was so shocked, she tripped on a lamp cord. The lamp fell, electrocuting her cat, Gordito.

XIOMARA: She's always gonna hate me.

…I’d always hate you, too. Gordito didn’t deserve to go like this.

5) I have a feeling Jane won’t follow her own advice, yet again…

Ma, if you feel yourself getting worked up, just take nice, slow, deep breaths.

And Xiomara having a Monster-in-law? I know it’s a classic telenovela trope, but I’m not a fan of it. We’ll see how it works out here.

6) This shady bitch is going to tell Jane she should stick it out with Rafael, isn’t she?

7) “It’s probably hormones”????!!! She’s not even a creative shady bitch!

8) ooooh another asshole!!

I have a gut feeling this lady will be relevant to the story, will she be Rafael’s mom, maybe? There’s a reason she was mentioned in the previously-on…

9) Okay…

She could still be Rafael’s mother for all I know. We’ll see.

10) She may have a point…

RAFAEL: Aaron is not Roman.

PETRA: Look, he obviously lured his brother out here somehow, killed him, and now he's taking his place

I was wondering how Roman could be alive when he had been impaled… The question is, why? Why would he kill his brother, fake his own death, and then come back? Or did Rose have Aaron killed thinking he was Roman? Was he trying to sever his links with Sin Rostro? Where are Rose and Luisa, btw?

11) Jane is really going to pass up spending Easter with her family in order to pretend to be someone she’s not and make some fake rich people like her so that Rafael can do some business? And I ask yet again, why is she still with him?! This is getting beyond frustrating, you have no idea how much this whole Rafael/Jane gets to me – I find it hard to enjoy the show because of them. I almost want to spot watching, it’s so fucking annoying.

12) Petra really enjoys getting into jams, doesn’t she?

13) Okay, Jane finally found out she’s been singlewhitefemaled. I wonder how she’ll confront Andie.

14) Okay, I guess I was wrong after all, Rafael sent her mom an email. I guess the snotty bitch was just a snotty bitch and nothing more.

15) This was a plot twist I wasn’t expecting…

Do I think he’ll leave the priesthood to be with Alba? I certainly hope so!

16) Oh.

LILLY: Look, I can forgive the cat. Even though the stench of Gordito's scorched fur will forever haunt me. But I cannot forgive the fact that you never told my son that you were pregnant.

NARRATOR: Wait. But she did.

XIOMARA: Excuse me?

LILLY: And as a result, you deprived me of my granddaughter. And Rogelio didn't get to raise his child.

So the reason Rogelio’s mother hates Xiomara is that he lied to her. Rogelio, shame on you, you should know better.

17) It’s actually quite decent of Michael to believe Petra and help her out.

18) Of course, Jane did her homework before meeting these Rich White Ladies.

But I really don’t like how she’s forced to act like someone she’s not to save Rafael’s ass. And let’s not forget it’s probably the first time she hasn’t spent Easter with her family…

19) You’re a good man, Rogelio. You did the right thing. He just couldn’t stand and see how Xiomara had to take Lilly’s jabs in silence because of his lie. And he may not have said “I love you” yet, but I think he’s just proven he does.

20) I wasn’t expecting a sweet moment between these two, but they got me…

MRS FALCO: I suppose I seem pathetic to you.

JANE: No, you don't. And you should know, I grew up without a father. And the one thing I remember about my birthdays is, my mom was there. And that's what your daughter will remember, too.

MRS FALCO: Thank you. And  I owe you an apology for lashing out at you the other day. I was having well a moment.

NARRATOR: And for the first time, Jane realized that Mrs. Falco wasn't the worst person in the world. She was just a person

It’s a really nice message, one I often try to keep in mind when I interact with people I don’t know or just met. You just never know what type of day – or life – they’re having, so you should be careful how you treat or judge others.

21) Lilly is kind of well-intentioned, and she makes a good point of how Rogelio and Xiomara have similar flaws and that they may be rushing into things without having a clear plan of what they want. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that their relationship is doomed. They just might need to work a bit harder at it.

22) UGH I’m rolling my eyes so hard right now. We finally got to the fight portion of the Jane/Rafael storyline of every single episode. Rafael keeps saying he wants to be a family man but he keeps acting otherwise. Jane keeps telling him this is not what she wants, but she stays. And I’M BOOOOOOORED.

23) Priceless.

24) WHAT!

Naughty priest!

25) No, Xiomara!!!!

26) No, Alba!!

See what I mean? What type of message is this? And now Xiomara is giving her the same advice!

She’s not doubting, she’s seeing things as they are and questioning the decisions she’s making.

27) Fuck, she’s listening to this dumbass advice about banishing doubts? Oh my god, how long will they stretch it out? Till the season finale? I don’t know if I’ll make it…

28) So here’s Rafael’s mom…

The reveal was kind of underwhelming, tbh.

29) And she’s a piece of shit. I’m sorry but I will never forgive parents who leave their children. Especially not if she basically sold him to his father. I hope she’s not part of the show.

30) Aww, Rogelio finally said it!

31) OMG

Who cares if your eggs are too old? We'll buy fresh ones. Combine my DNA with anyone, and the child will be extraordinary.

32) Ugh, Xiomara is going to keep the kiss a secret. WHYYYYYYY. It’s such an unnecessary plot device, I hate it.

33) IT IS FUCKING ROMAN.

34) aND RAFAEL BREAKS UP WITH JANE?????!!!! SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO BROP HIS FUCKING ASS!!! UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH I’M FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHOW.

35) See? If she’d listened to me from the day one, she wouldn’t be crying in the hallway…

36) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

[neverwatchedonepiece]

475: Moving Into the Final Phase! Whitebeard's Trump Card for Recovery

That’s about right, Luffy!

Jumped the gun there in the last post. One sighting of Death tarot cards and I’m sentencing major characters to death. Not to mention you guys pointed out that Hawkins’ tarot card scene was anime only (which means it is FILLER and therefore NOT CANON). This episode has given me hope that more characters (including Whitebeard) will make it out of Marineford unscathed.

Especially when Oda throws curveballs. This episode, he was King of the Curveball.

Episode 456 left off with Luffy facing off against three Admirals. Yet again, Luffy surprised me with his cleverness in battle. Yes, he is reckless but he does know his limits. Three Admirals? Not a chance. But he won’t back down. He just finds a way around. I was right about him using the gatling stamp to shatter the ice for cover. I didn’t expect him to use it to spring over them with a burst of speed. That was cool. Even though Kizaru played the Access Denied card and showed his superior speed, I’d like to see Luffy use trickery more in battle.

The first real curveball was Sengoku. As soon as he saw Luffy advance, he ordered Ace’s execution. “Do it. Now!” That man was not messing around. The swords crossed, lifted, another montage of shocked faces flitted past, the swords slashed down, there was a red flash of blood and...

Crocodile Plays A Blinder

The second curveball of the episode. Crocodile stepped up and saved Ace’s bacon by taking out the executioners. 

Oh, Sengoku was mad. 

“WHYYYYYYY?” he roared. “OF ALL DAYS, CROCODILE, YOU SCALLYWAG!”

Reason? Crocodile is a writing ball of hatred and saw the opportunity to strike at the Marines. He could deal with Whitebeard, ‘the dying, old buzzard’ later. Of course, Crocodile.

Quite a lot of people were mad, actually. Marco was one-hundred percent ready to be the hero and Crocodile upstaged him. Brazen. Luffy didn’t know what the hell was going on but was A-OK with the distraction. 

Doflamingo, however...

I didn’t take him for a tsundere but if he’s the type to scythe off someone’s head after rejection, then I’m calling a spade a spade. Even after all that, Crocodile was his cold, abrasive self.

“You turn me down then team up with Whitebeard? That makes me jealous. So you're still giving me the cold shoulder?” 

“Looks like it.”

All around me are familiar faces, worn-out places, worn out faces...

Maybe don’t come on so strong next time, Doflamingo.

At any rate, the two of them clashed and sped off somewhere. (To work off that tension? You be the judge.) Luffy again used this as cover to get closer to Ace. But Aokiji blocked the way, stabbing him through the shoulder with a shard of ice. Interesting to know that he owed Garp a favour. "I owed a favour to your grandfather, but as you chose to risk your life, i have no choice."

Is he saying he would have kept Luffy alive, otherwise? Like that time they met him and he froze Robin. That’s a pretty big favour he owes Garp, eh? Aokiji didn’t get the kill, however, as Hancock and Marco stepped in. Yet again, Luffy’s allies come through.

Then, the third major curveball was thrown. Whitebeard’s trump card, as advertised!

Moby Dick v.2

The action cut to Whitebeard, ordering his men to swim towards Oars. At first I thought, eh... not excellent strategy there, Whitebeard. The Marine cannons were picking off pirates left, right and centre, like shooting fish in a barrel. (Or pirates in an enclosed bay).

But beneath the water, a massive shadow grew.

Surely not? I thought. Has Whitebeard done it again?

He bloody well did. The Moby Dick v.2, Whitebeard’s pimped out paddle steamer launched out of the water, scooped up a crew and chugged full-steam ahead into the encircling walls.

The best part? Whitebeard’s jolly roger was flying high and proud on the mast. He ain’t dead yet! 

Sengoku was the only one who caught on to Whitebeard’s plan. “SHOOT AT OARS!” he yelled. But it was too late. Oars scooped the entire ship out of the water and forced it through the gap in the walls. Bam! Just like that, Whitebeard broke through the gap and stormed the plaza.

That moment when he walked towards the prow of the Moby Dick v.2 and his crew parted to make way for him and he stood looking down on everyone from Sengoku, to Garp, to the Admirals and random fodders like a king... That was amazing.

I think Sengoku really is sweatdropping now. He actually admitted to Garp, “I don’t think we’ll emerge from this unscathed.”

I am officially hyped. Roll on 476! :D

Honourable Mention

Why, hello there, Galdino! Don’t think I didn’t see you there, skulking around the plaza, potentially about to play the “Sanji” of the arc where you sneak away and play a vital role in the remaining pirates’ escape.

TEAM SELFIE!! WB PIRATES ON TOUR!! #marineford #nofilter

[lothirielswan]

The History of Author & Deadpool

Hia Awesome Adventurers! So now that Deadpool is back to his schemes in my WoW novels, I decided to post some of our old confrontations in one of my old...disgraceful Marvel Fanfics. Where the Avengers adopted a turtle called Bromine and Iron Man’s and Black Widow’s (not romantically involved) adopted daughter, Catwoman, goes off with Deadpool and Quicksilver into space. Needless to say, the best thing from this novel were the Author’s Notes. Please enjoy the weirdness.

Deadpool: Look at that majestic red man on the cover of that book c,: just takes your breath away

~*~

A/N: We're almost to space!! Yay–it's been a amazing journey, and I'm sorry for all of the bumps, but it's awesome that we came this far!

Deadpool: Yeah, can we hurry this up? I'm not even in the book yet. I have other fanfics to be in, Author :/

Pietro: You mean the Spiderman fanfics you write?

Deadpool: RUN TO CANADA YOU SWINE!!!

Deadpool: Btw, you read my fanfics? :)) Thoughts?

Pietro: Disgusting. Wanda does, and if I'm being honest, it's not your best work. The Iron Man/Captain America ones are better.

Wanda: I told you, Pietro, that was from an AD.

Pietro: Yes, sister: Adolescent Dummy.

Wanda: YOU FIEND!

Pietro: I HOPE SOKOVIA FALLS ON YOUR FACE!!

Wanda: I DISOWN YOU, FORMER WOMB NEIGHBOR.

Shuri: I came to this disgraceful, medieval part of the world to complain. My brother is evil incarnate.

Wanda: ....

Wanda: I like you.

Shuri: I found the powerful witch of these medieval lands, perhaps everything outside of Wakanda isn't so bad.

Pietro: BURN THE WITCH!

Wanda: Would you like to get coffee? I have tons of black magic c;

Shuri: Of course! ;3

T'Challa: ...This cannot be good.

Deadpool: HELLO. DOES ANYBODY CARE ABOUT MY FICSSSS????

Pietro: We need to stop this!!

T'Challa: Agreed! For the good of Wakanda, and the poor villagers that live outside of it.

Deadpool: I'm becoming the fifth wheel here. What am I, Leo Valdez?

Author: Keep being awesome, people!!

Deadpool: I'M MOVING TO A DIFFERENT FANFIC.

Author: I HAVE YOU UNDER CONTRACT!!

Deadpool: Darn. It's so hard to find work as a Marvel Comic character.

~*~

Deadpool's Note: Lols, I killed the Author :3 I'm in charge of the book now. PEETIE, FRONT AND CENTER! And time for this very special spoiler production–

Professor X: Mr. Wilson!

Wade the Awesome: Wait, are you McAvoy or Stewart? I can't tell because you're only words.

Professor X: You are messing with time streams, Mr. Wilson. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Wade is Better Than Wolverine: Be happy I am, pal. I've seen what's in store for you. Believe me, I'm saving you emotional trauma. In two books you'll be–

Bruce Banner: Hold on...what if Bromine's near-death experience wasn't Scott's fault...IT WAS YOURS :O YOU MONSTER!

Professor X: The Avengers have a pet? Fascinating. I usually consider Beast as ours, but perhaps we should go more basic.

Wade is da Best: Yep, you're Stewart, Mr. Spock. And I do not need another animal shitting on my lawn.

Bruce Banner: ...

Professor X: ...

Wade is Peetie's Besty: What?

Bruce Banner: The word...

Wade the King of Fan-Fiction: What? Oh. You mean the new absence of these: #$%^. Yeah. Those are gone now. If you'll excuse me, I have to write my grand entrance. It's gonna be fucking amazeballs. Go be amazing, readers, and spread the revolution!

Peter Parker: ...

Peter Parker: We're doomed.

~*~

DP/N: Mhm, that's right, ladies. I'm here to fix this fanfic CAT-astrophe.

Pietro: Really? The fate of my life is in your hands now??? I should have stayed dead.

Selina: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL YOUR SISTER SHE'S BEEN MOURNING YOU FOREVER SHE'S BEEN EATING ALL OF THE NUTELLAAA

Pietro: Because I like you more :3

Wanda: I DISOWN YOU, WOMB NEIGHBOR!!

Pietro: BURN THE WITCH!!

Deadpool: This is such a healthy relationship. It makes me cry :,) and if we're gonna talk crap about womb neighbors, how about Selina's–

Magneto: WADE!

Deadpool: Gandalf! Is that you? Have you come to take Peter, my hobbit, away? You're still words, this is so confuzzling.

Mag-neat-o: Charles rattled my cage, so I'm rattling yours! Leave the fabric of the Universe alone!

Pietro: ...Who are you

Wanda: Yeah, who is this weirdo?

T-erik-fic: :( that's not nice.

Deadpool the Awesome: And all of you readers should go see my movie, DP2! Really. Do it. Now. I'm watching you. And put a vote on this baby, my fingers are burnin. Keep being your amazing selves!

~*~

DP/N: Hello amazing people. Sorry for the wait, I'm prepping myself for Ant-Man and the Wasp–I've been stocking up on raid cans and swatters for the occasion. Keep being amazing!

Rocket the Raccoon: *sniffs the air* I smell something...the smell of another humie traveling across space listening to crappy music.

Peter Quill: Huh? Who is it–

Deadpool: OH MY JESUS ANOTHER PETER!!

Deadpool: Keep it cool, DP, keep it cool. How's it hanging, Prattzel?

Rocket: Ew, this is a weird human. Not as weird as Quill, but weird.

Deadpool: Watch it, Garbage-Eater. I can erase you! But I need you for the next chapter. Shit. I have to figure this out...

~*~

Shockingly Alive Author: WADE WILSON!

Deadpool: Oh sh*t.

Deadpool: OH SH*T NOW YOU'RE BLOCKING OUT CUSS WORDS WHYYYYYYY I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUN!

Author: YOU THOUGHT I WAS DEAD!!

Bruce Banner: He hurt my Bromine!!

Author: :o Wade, how could you

Deadpool: It wasn't intentional!! Personally, I prefer cats as pets. They have no sense of boundaries and are cuddly and cute. Like a Tribble.

Selina: ....For some reason, that feels offensive.

Author: Wade, no more taking over the story!!

Professor X: Author, if I may....he mentioned something about my untimely demise...

Author: Oh.

Author: Um.

Author: ....BRUCE LIKES STAR TREK!!

Tony: HOW COULD YOU BRUCIE YOU TREKKIE TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!

Author: Keep being awesome, awesome people c:

Peter Parker: ...

Peter Parker: Is it safe to come out yet?

Deadpool: I'm everywhere ;)

~*~

A/N: Yay! The Black Order is here!

Bruce Banner: Since when do 'Black Order' and 'yay' go together in the same line?

Tony: You don't get to speak, traitor.

Bruce: What? Because I'm all about that Bass? #NoTribbles

Tony: That hit me harder than Jar Jar Binks.

Deadpool: Author, did you just make me miss the first action scene because I took over your book?

Author: I'm not talking to you.

Deadpool: There's still things I don't understand. I am positive I killed the Author–I still have your guts in Al's fridge.

Author: No more questions.

Deadpool: Hmm.

*Deadpool drags Peter Parker into conversation*

Deadpool: Watson, we have a new case to solve! Onward!

Peter Parker: #NoTribblesNoService

Deadpool: I thought it was #NoStrippersNoService

Bruce Banner: What is wrong with you?

Deadpool: I was a bottle baby.

Deadpool: Beer bottle.

Author: Go be awesome!

Deadpool: Hmm...I feel a storm brewing....#CueX-FilesThemeSong

Peter Parker: #SomeoneHelpMe

~*~

A/N: I'm sorry, readers, but I have to interrupt your regularly scheduled program for the following message:

Peter Parker: ...

Peter Parker: Can everyone sign my petition to make Wade stop calling me 'Watson', please?

Deadpool: I ship Johnlock ;3

Peter Parker: Huh?

Deadpool: Such a pure blogger...so innocent...

Tony Stark: WADE WILSON. AS THE ONLY PARENTAL FIGURE IN PARKER'S LIFE I FORBID YOU FROM HANGING OUT WITH MY SON.

Tony Stark: *MY KID.

Tony Stark: **MY...SOMETHING.

Steve Rogers: Tony. You're wrong.

Bruce Banner & Wanda Maximoff: GASP.

Steve Rogers: I'M A PARENTAL FIGURE TOO. I WILL RAIN HELLFIRE ON YOU

Tony Stark: AND HERE I AM, WITHOUT AN UMBRELLA.

Steve Rogers: I FEEL A STORM BREWING.

Wanda Maximoff: How come we're always in the middle of these things?

Bruce Banner: Usually I just watch from a distance...it's more fun that way.

Peter Parker: PLEASE SIGN THIS. HE'S BEEN STALKING ME AND LEAVING ME MESSAGES ON ROOFTOPS.

Author: Is that the end of the message?

Peter Parker: I guess...now I have to get a court order for my superdads. They're fighting over me like Democrats and Republicans over the United States.

Tony Stark: I'M GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT SO HARD YOUR LIFE ALERT WON'T COVER IT.

Steve Rogers: MY ARMY BROS WILL DEFEAT YOUR SCIENCE BROS!!

Author: ...I think they're done. Keep being awesome!!

~*~

A/N: Hey awesome people! Thanks for reading, and credit to the amazing outfit designs above to LotusLumino! She's fantastic and has a bunch of amazing ideas, so when you get a spare moment, google her for more awesome art!

Wade: IMPOSTER!

Author: Huh?

Wade: You. Are. Not. The. Author.

Author: Why, whatever do you mean...

Peter Parker: He's right! I've seen the evidence–gross evidence, but still evidence! You're not her!

Author: Oh Peter, you couldn't just stay quiet. It would've been so much easier...for you...if you stayed that way.

Peter Parker: What–

Author: Enjoy yourselves, readers. I have some matters to attend to.

Wade: Somebody get out the shockblankets!!!

~*~

Deadpool: What have you done with the real Author???

Author: Do not question me, Wade Wilson.

Deadpool: I know you're not the real Author! She wouldn't bother typing out my full name, she's too lazy!

Peter Parker: WHO are you???

*Author ripples, and true form is revealed*

Deadpool: :O

Peter Parker: :O

Bromine the Turtle: :O

Skrull: WE WILL REIGN OVER THIS DOMAIN!!!!

Pietro: :o I did not see that coming.

Deadpool: Wait, what's a skrull? Some nerd educate me here.

Dr. Strange: A Skrull is an alien race that can morph their appearance–usually they bother the Fantastic Four. We prefer to leave it that way.

Deadpool: Thanks, magic-nerd. WE'RE TAKING YOU DOWN!!! OH, YOU WORE THE PURPLE PANTS! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT!!!!

Clint & Selina: ???

Deadpool: Be almighty and awesome readers as I save this story and slay the evil green man!!

Bruce Banner: Seriously there are so many green people can everybody stop stealing my color? There's gold and silver and purple and brown and pink–orange too!

Deadpool: I SAID BE AWESOME BRUCIE DON'T RUIN MY LAST WORDS!

~*~

Deadpool: MAXIMUM EFFORT!!!

*Deadpool kills the Skrull. It collapses onto the ground like mushed-up guacamole*

Deadpool: WE ARE FREE OF EVIL! EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THOR WEARS A CAPE TO COVER THAT GODLY A*S.

Thor: Should I be delighted or disgusted by this human?

Bruce Banner: Disgusted. Definitely disgusted.

Peter Parker: Okay, the Skrull's gone. What now?

Deadpool: Well, Tortilla chips of course. Free guacamole is a once-in-a-lifetime deal, my fellow grasshopper.

Peter Parker: I mean about the Author! She's still gone! I miss how she says be awesome :c it brightens up my day after Flash floods my locker with Coke.

Bruce Banner: Wait, if the Author's dead, then who's writing what is up above...?

Everyone: ...

Deadpool: Time to use my sixth sense....

Author: Hello everyone!

Everyone: GASP!

Author: I'm back ;) stay tuned for more, awesome readers, and keep being awesome!!!

Author: Peter you are an awesome, precious cinnamon roll.

Peter Parker: c: I'm just your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, Milady!

*Whole Universe and Deadpool swoon*

[hiddlestonfanficinthebooks]

Chapter One

Staring into the magnifying mirror on my bathroom wall, I blinked a few times before applying another coat of mascara. “Now, why can’t he get a date?” I asked over my shoulder before turning my attention to my other eye.

Mary laughed in the next room. “Well, he’s an ogre. And not a cute ogre like Shrek…a horridly e-vil beast, wart on the end of his nose…”

“Smartass,” I mumbled and shook my head. I hated blind dates. No, I LOATHED them. But who had time to mingle while studying 6 hours a day and working in a library to boot?

“He’s a great guy, but his time is tapped, too. Charlie said that…”

I turned on the sarcasm with, “Well, if CHARLIE said it, then…”

It was her turn to mumble under her breath. My best friend was smitten. And I had to admit that he was, indeed, a great guy who was crazy about her and treated better than any guy I had ever known. I admit, also, that I was a tad jealous of all that attention. I got more than my share of gazes from guys in between the aisles of the library, but those guys were not my type…usually married and usually thirty years older than I was. Finishing university early had its benefits and its downsides. I’d hardly had my head out of a book for the last ten years. I was 28 with a PhD in history and was finishing up a second degree in linguistics on scholarship in London. On top of that, I researched long hours with a team of those not-so-available men. My plate was full. But that did not mean I didn’t like the idea of sharing some part of my life with someone; even a date or two would be a welcome break.

“How did Charlie meet him again?” I asked as I touched up my eyeliner.

“Party,” she called back. “Friend of a friend who went to university with the guy.”

I had a feeling she knew more than she knew more than she was telling. Mary had assured me he was neither fifty nor married, and that was, indeed, a start.

Two hours later at the restaurant, I glanced at my watch for the third time. When I glared over at Mary, she, using that psychic ability that best friends shared, knew exactly what I was thinking: I also hated when people were late. It was a lesson that had been pounded into my head over and over by my overbearing Marine-Corps father. In fact, his motto was that being on TIME was being late. By that standard, the date had not started off on the right foot or even the right leg, for that matter: he was forty minutes late.

Charlie, bless him, was overcompensating by keeping me both laughing…and sipping wine. He had just started another story about law school when a body plopped down in the booth beside me.

“Oh, I am so very sorry. I was in a tele-conference across London, and I was going to text, but when I reached down to my pocket, I found I’d inadvertently left my mobile in the car, and then…” he shook his head. “I was texting as I was heading here and was pulled over by the police. So sorry. Truly.” Standing briefly, he reached out for Charlie’s hand. “Good to see you again, Charles. Sorry again.”

The wine made me do it: I snorted a BIT too loudly at his formality.

I couldn’t get a good look at him, but I did get a whiff of his cologne, and it was divine.  I could also tell from that position that he towered over me, and as his hand wrapped around the water glass in front of him, I noted that his hand was huge.  All positives, in my book.  But the lighting in the restaurant and the seating hindered my view. I wanted to move to gain a better angle, but he was mid-conversation, and I did not want to be rude and interrupt.  Mary looked sideways at me, her eyes wide. I frowned, unable to psychically connect over that expression.  Either she was shocked, impressed, or she had to go…ah, THE perfect excuse...

But Charlie interrupted my plan.  “Annah, this is Tom. And Tom, this is Susannah Caraway, the woman I was telling you about.”

He turned slightly, and I caught sight of his profile as he smiled, his eyes searching mine, glancing down, glancing up again.  “Hi, Annah,” he nodded, his eyes wrinkling at their corners.

I instantly wanted to see more.  

“Hi,” I smiled back, tucking my long, wavy ginger hair behind my ears.  

“I apologize mostly to you. Being late is unacceptable, and I appreciate your waiting.  It’s nice to meet you,” he added before turning back to Charlie.  

I looked at Mary; she looked in the direction of the restroom, and I nodded my approval. “Excuse us,” she whispered to Charlie who stood and allowed us to slide out that side of the large booth. As I reached the end, I glanced over at him for that better view, and I nearly swallowed my tongue.

Pushing Mary toward the back of the restaurant, I pressed the door behind my back once we entered. “AN OGRE?” I laughed, nearly screamed. “Had you not SEEN that man?”

She just raised her eyebrows.

“He is GORGEOUS…like MODEL gorgeous…like…he could be in GQ or some shit like that,” I squeaked. “WHY…WHYYYYYYY would he want to go out with ME? Oh, my GOD, Mary, he is probably excusing himself from this whole debacle…”

Mary stood there, biting her bottom lip. “He is…”

I gasped and peeked out the door, expecting to see him walking out of the restaurant.  When he wasn’t, I turned to her, confused.

“He HAS BEEN in GQ,” she clarified.

My eyes widened more. “Pardon?” I squeaked again.

“Do…do you not know who…I mean, Charlie said he had done some acting…I…I did not realize…”

I swallowed hard. “He’s an actor? Like…theatre?”

She shifted.

“More than theatre?”

She nodded.

“Like…something big?”

She nodded faster. “Like…Spielberg big. Like…del Toro, Jarmusch, Branagh big…”

I leaned against the wall and slid down it to the bench below. “WHAT was Charlie thinking?” I whimpered.  “Who is this guy?”

She coughed in surprise. “You…really don’t know?”

I shook my head.  Pop Culture had not been part of my library-restricted life, and suddenly I felt like a complete social pariah.

“Tom Hiddleston? The Avengers? Thor? War Horse? Crimson Peak?” she rattled off. After each title, I shook my head to show her just how clueless I was.  “We’ll catch you up this weekend,” she rushed, realizing our excuse would be thin if we stayed much longer. “Let’s get drinks and head back.”

I had the bartender make mine a double.

Back at the table, the guys were discussing Wimbledon results.  Before sliding along the booth again, Mary and I shifted positions so I could sit in front of Tom.

“Do you…like tennis, Annah?” he asked, picking up his glass of wine that time and sipping longer.

I nodded.

“Play much?”

I nodded again. “I have in the past, yes…”

“I can tell,” he smiled. “You look like an athlete…and are quite fit.”

I glanced over at Mary, not knowing how in the world to take that or respond to it.  Did he mean I was too muscular? Did he mean that I was intimidating? Did he mean he liked the way I looked? I was so confused that all I could do was half smile and blush like an idiot.  Finally, I added, “Ummm…Do you?”

“Yes, I love to play tennis, when I get a chance, that is. My schedule does not allow it that often. We…ummm…should play some time.”

I couldn’t breathe. Suddenly, his point was clearer…possibly. He would not ask if he didn’t like what he saw, would he? Or was he just being polite…and that some time would never happen? I hated dating. HATED it.  Being in the library around volumes of historical texts and relics much more often than humans, I had lost my ability to read people.

“Susannah was on our college team,” Mary added from across the table.

I nearly died.

“Yeh?” he asked, his eyes drifting up and down again.  “You must be really good at it, then.”

I blushed all the way to my toes.

After that drink, I relaxed a bit more, and our conversation flowed better. Not that I talked that much, but when he turned to me with a question, I managed not to consider crawling under the table.  Instead, I studied his face, his mannerisms, his laugh.  He was absolutely gorgeous, and I just did not really know how to handle that.  His personality, though, put me even more at ease.  On top of his physicality, he was funny as hell.

We ate; we laughed; we drank; we laughed; we talked; we laughed.  And in all honesty, I had an amazing time.  And, although my “reading” skills were out of practice, I think he did, too.

Walking out, Charlie was first, Mary next, I third in line, and Tom was behind us all.  

“So, are we going to play?” he asked as the doorman closed the door behind us.  

I turned around so sharply, so quickly that I nearly ran face first into his chest.  

“Woah,” he laughed, his hands clutching my biceps.  “Steady there.”

I blinked hard and smiled despite my embarrassment. “Tennis?”

He nodded and looked way down at me.  He truly was tall. “I’d…love that, yes,” I stammered.  

“So…may I have your number?” he asked, anxiously shifting back and forth.

Nodding, I nervously took his phone when he handed it over.  Somehow, I managed to type in my number; in fact, I checked the digits twice to be certain I had not messed it up.

“My schedule is so unpredictable, all over the place. But I will look at my calendar and text you?”

I nodded again.

Most unexpectedly, Tom reached out and touched my hair, freeing it from where I had tucked it earlier and allowing his finger to twist in one of the curls there.  “Your hair is so pretty,” he whispered, his eyes locking with mine.  “It was very nice to meet you, Annah.  Sorry again about running late. I, uh, enjoyed talking with you.”  He stuffed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans.  They were so tight that I feared he might not get them out again.

“Nice talking with you, too,” I smiled back.

Shaking Charlie’s hand once more, Tom waved goodbye to me and disappeared into the shadows.

After a short walk, I stepped into Charlie’s car and could not say a word.  Mary kept glancing back to be certain I was ok.

“So, what did you think? Your type?” Charlie asked from the front seat.

That did it.  “My type? MY TYPE?? He’s freaking GORGEOUS…and famous…and perfect…and…what in the WORLD were you thinking?? WHY would he EVER want to date ME? A scientist…a lab rat…an average at best American student…”

“Well, actually, he saw your picture with Mary in my office when he and Don were at my party last week, and…” he nonchalantly explained.

Mary and I both screamed SO loudly that he nearly wrecked into the curb.

“WHAT!??! You said it was a blind date,” Mary accosted him with a smack to his arm.

He shrugged.  “They had never met, so I thought it still qualified…”

“OH. MY. GOD,” I squealed and beat the back of his seat.  “THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.”

Again, he shrugged his shoulders. “Why in the world would it…”

“WHY??” Mary answered with another smack.  “WHYYYY? Charlie! Tom Hiddleston SAW a picture of HER and showed interest.  You can’t see why that is different from just going by someone’s suggestion, sight unseen?”

He glanced over at her, looked back at the road, and then back at her.  “He…found her attractive?”

“YES!!!” she and I screamed in frustration.  

I was done for.  I could not sleep for the life of me, and between checking my phone’s messages three hundred times, I searched for his movies online. My Amazon and Netflix accounts did not know what hit them.  At noon the next day, I still had not slept.  But I had, by that point, well-associated myself with his body of work…and his body.

When Monday rolled around again, I was a wreck at work.  All I could do was think about him and how he had not messaged me. But that changed when I picked up my phone after lunch that day. I was so excited, so nervous that I dropped my damn phone and cracked the screen in the process of opening up his message:  Hi, Annah. Want to play soon? I have courts reserved for Thursday afternoon at 3:00 if that time works. Let me know. –T.

I rushed into my boss’s office so quickly that I nearly dropped it twice more.  I had yet to ask for a weekday off, so she granted my leave.

Instead of telling Mary, I sped right over to her flat after work.  Charlie opened the door, a dish towel on his shoulder.  “Annah, hi…she is…”

I rushed right to her bedroom. I knew she would be changing clothes after the gym.  Opening the door, I stuck my phone right in her face.

“OH, Annah. What a clutz. You will have to get…”

“READ IT!” I gushed and hopped up and down.

Her eyes widened, and we screamed together, falling to and then flopping around on her bed in excitement.

She sat up suddenly, brushing her hair back.  “He wants to PLAY with you!” she announced.

We screamed again and flopped even more.

Pausing once more, she glanced over and added, “TOM HIDDLESTON!”

That was it. We were back to being giggling school girls for the rest of the evening.  Poor Charlie. Somehow, he braved through our madness.

Monday evening and Tuesday evening, I practiced my groundstrokes against a wall at my gym, borrowing their tennis balls and racket. I also went to a store to buy a tennis dress AND a racket. I had not brought them from home as I did not expect to be out of the library or lab often enough to justify their space in my suitcase.

Thank goodness I bought the white one.

When he knocked on my door, I stood there for a moment, smoothing down my dress and glancing in the mirror to be certain I looked acceptable...no, better than acceptable. It had taken me much effort to look like I wanted, yet look like I had expended no effort at all. My hair was as tight as I could pull back the heavy pony tail, so I knew it would not slip as I played.

 “Hi,” I smiled up at him when I opened the door.

 He propped against the frame and smiled back down at me.  “Ready to get sweaty?” he grinned wider.

 I felt my entire face flush…which instantly made his do the same. 

 And that was the first time I heard his laugh, his nervous laugh.  He ehhehehehed as he shifted positions.  “It’s, uh, really a hot one today, isn’t it?”

 I nodded and tried to calm myself so the color would leave my cheeks; however, it was still not normal when I slipped into his car.  As he walked around to the driver’s side, I whispered, “OHmyGOD… OHmyGODOHMYGODDD,” to my reflection in the side mirror. He looked amazing, and his car WAS amazing.  I felt completely surreal to be sitting with the man I had watched on my television all weekend.

 In a flash, he wheeled his Jaguar into the London afternoon traffic, and we were off.  He drove…and drove. And there was not a moment of silence all the way. He was a talker, and while I was not certain if THAT was due to his being nervous or not, I was thankful for it.  I fear I would not have said a word without his prompting.

 “Are there many grass courts in America?” he asked, furrowing his brow in concentration as we waited our turn at the roundabout. 

 My heart sank. “No, not really. Hard courts are the most popular; some clay ones are in the nicer clubs. I only played on grass ones when I was studying in Scotland for a semester.”

 “Ah,” he nodded.  “I hope you don’t mind playing on one today?”

 I shook my head and glanced back out the car just as he pulled up to the gates at Wimbledon. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t breathe. As a follower of tennis and a life-long player, I had always dreamed of playing on the hallow grounds of the private tennis club. Suddenly, with no warning, there I was, riding through the parting gates, stepping out for the valet to take the car, and following Tom like a flabbergasted school girl.  When I lagged slightly, still in mid-conversation, he reached back, rested his hand on the small of my back, and led me on.

As he chatted with the gentleman at the reservation desk, I took peeps this way and that to see what I could as I waited. 

 “Just this way,” Tom smiled back and led me to the court.

 The first two games, I played horridly. In fact, the ball boy looked at me in sympathy more than once. When I found my “grass” legs, though…it was on.  By the expressions on Tom’s face, I could tell he was equally parts impressed, frustrated, and resolute. He stopped holding back, and my years of training pushed me to rise to the challenge. At the end of the second match, those first two games were the margin by which I lost.

 Walking to meet me at the net, he extended his hand to shake mine and then followed it up with a hug. “You are brilliant on the court!” he laughed, looking down before hugging me again. 

 “I am DRENCHED,” I groaned, suddenly very aware of how much I had sweated during our two hours of battle.

 “Want to shower?” he asked casually.  As soon as he said it, he blushed again.  “Not WITH me, of course. I mean…let me try that again. Would you like me to take you home so you could shower? We could…go eat somewhere afterward if you want, of course.”

 Of COURSE, I did.  Tom dropped me off at my flat again, and I immediately called Mary.  As soon as she answered, I spilled without a breath: “OHMYGOD, Mary! We went to Wimbledon! I PLAYED at Wimbledon! WIMBLEDON! Can you believe it!?! He was amazing on the court, and I didn’t go easy on him, and he didn’t go easy on me, and we played two full matches, and he wants to have dinner, too. I am home to shower and I…oh my god, WHAT am I going to wear?”

 All she could do was laugh.  “That gray dress! Wear that one!” she squealed. “You look amazing in it.”

 I grabbed it, threw it on my bed, and started the shower.  “It was so much fun; he’s really competitive just like I am, but we still had a BLAST. I can’t believe he wants to continue with…”

 “GO SHOWER! You will never get done before he gets back there, woman, if you keep gabbing. Call me later!”

 I clicked off my phone and threw it to the bed as well.  In seconds, I was in the shower, shampoo in my hair and body wash all over my arms and legs.  Once I was out, I collapsed onto my sofa, trying to clear my head as I rested for two minutes…all I could allot myself to catch my breath. I was up again then, perfected my makeup, dried my hair, and dressed. I was putting on my earrings when Tom knocked on the door, five minutes early. I could not have wiped the smile off my face if I had tried.

 “Hi,” I smiled, flipping my hair back from my shoulder and adjusting my purse on my shoulder.

 He stood there in a suit without a tie, and he looked more gorgeous than any man I had ever known in my life.  Lifting his hand to his chest, he inhaled deeply. “You…took away my breath,” he said after a few more seconds.  “Wow…I…” shrugging his shoulders, he extended his hand for mine. “Ready?”

 I nodded, and holding hands, which nearly killed me, we walked back out to his car.

 “Have you ever been to The Restaurant?” he asked as he opened the door for me.

 Pausing, I asked, “Which one?”

 For a second, he looked confused; then he laughed…hard.  “I am so sorry.  That’s the name…The Restaurant in Westminster.”

 Blushing again, I shook my head.  “No…obviously…”

 He was still laughing when he started the car. “I thought it would be a good choice because it has amazing steaks, salads, seafood…whatever you might want to eat.  What’s your favorite type of food, by the way? Do you like ethnic foods?”

 “Ohhhh, yes…Indian, Japanese, Middle Eastern…my dad was the cook at home, and since he was stationed everywhere, he cooked everything my friends had never even heard of.”

 “Stationed?” he asked, pulling into traffic. “Military?”

 I nodded. “Marine.”

 “Ahhhh” he flinched. “Seriously military, then. Do you come from a big family?  I have two sisters, one older and one younger.”

 “I have a sister, too,” I answered.  “My mom died when she was 38, so it was just us and my dad.”

 Tom looked horrified. “Oh, how horrible.  38?  So young.”

 “Breast cancer,” I answered with a sigh.

 Shaking his head, he squeezed my hand. “So very sorry, Susannah.”

 That made me smile. I had never been a huge fan of my name; people would always break into song, driving me absolutely crazy, so I normally introduced myself by my nickname. But hearing him say it, well, I loved it.  “You can call me Annah, you know. My friends do.”

 He looked at me and then looked back out of the windshield.  “Are we friends…or more?”

 Again, I couldn’t breathe.  He did that to me way too often.  Finally, the air came back into my lungs.  “I…well, I…ummm.”

 “Sorry, that was a loaded question.  I like being friends…with a possibility for more? May I say that, Annah?” He held my hand tighter.

 “I like that, yes,” I answer, cutting my eyes over at him.  

 When we were stopped in traffic, he rested his head against the car seat, leaned over, and kissed me again.  Minutes later, we were at the restaurant.  The owner met us at the door and walked us to a table on the balcony. The view was simply spectacular, and the breeze off the river made the temperature perfect.

 “Would you like a drink?” Tom asked as the waiter set menus in front of us.

 When I nodded, he narrowed his eyes as he thought. “Is Dave working tonight at the bar?”

 The waiter nodded.  “Sure is…”

“TKOs?” Tom ordered for us.  “If I may be so bold as to order for you, that is. Please don’t think I am overstepping here or being rude. I would just love you to try one. It’s one of my favorite mixed drinks.”

 When the waiter left, I leaned over to Tom.  “So what’s in this drink named after being knocked out?”

 Thinking, Tom counted out the ingredients for me: “Vodka, one of two kinds of rum, Grenadine, midori, amaretto, Southern Comfort…”

 “DEAR GOD!!” I gasped.  “How can you drink it…”

Tom snickered, his head falling back on his shoulders.  “It’s blended with 7Up and pineapple.  And trust me…it is SO good and SO strong.  I hope you will love it as much as I do.”

 “I…I am NOT a heavy drinker, so…you might have to finish mine,” I laughed, my eyebrows lifted in absolute doubt.

 “If I finish yours AND mine, I might need you to drive home.  Can you drive an automatic?”

I nearly spit out my water.  “Ummm…not well enough to get behind the wheel of your Jag!”

 That brought on more laughter.  

 He was right. The drink was amazing. And by the time I finished half of it, I was lit. I felt the liquor warming through my body, and as he drank more, we both got the giggles.  By the time we could finish the drink, our appetizer and then our meals arrived.  By the time we finished, I was so stuffed I feared I would not be able to stand up.

 “Please let me help with the bill?” I asked when the waiter brought it to the table.

 Tom looked as if I had slapped him. “NO way…noooo way…”

 “But you paid for tennis today…and now all this…”

 Shrugging, he slipped his card into the folder and rested it on the edge of our table.  “I am happy to pay. You are totally worth it, Annah.”

 Suddenly, a realization struck fear right through me.  His words echoed in my head: I was worth it…whatttttttt did that exactly mean? I was worth it? Was he…paying for me and thought he would collect later?  I was on edge for the rest of the evening, especially when he walked me upstairs to my flat.

 “Thank you, again,” I smiled and pressed back against my door.

 A smile crept across his face.  “You are a formidable opponent, Susannah. I loved playing tennis with you.  And...I’d love to see you again,” he said, reaching out to touch my shoulder. “Aren’t you going to…”

 Impulsively, I jumped.

 “So…so, very sorry…” he said, jerking back his hand guiltily.

 I lifted my hand to dismiss his concern.  “I…will happily pay you back for the tennis, the food, the drink. But…I can’t sleep with you, Tom. I just don’t do that on a first date, no matter who you are…” I explained defensively and batted away my tears.

 Tom just stared at me. And then he burst into laughter.  “Susannah, do you think…wait…you THINK I bought you those things so…so I could sleep with you?”

 When he said that, I realized how senseless it sounded.  He could sleep with nearly any woman he wanted.  I took a deep breath and exhaled just as deeply. “Tom, I am the one who should say sorry; you have been nothing but kind…truly,” I cried, wiping my tears away. “I haven’t dated a lot…been too busy at university, and…”

He leaned forward and kissed me softly. “Again, you are worth way more than that the nominal cost. I loved our date, and I hope you will see me again…”

I nodded.  “I would love it,” I sniffed.  “I hate that I cry so easily.”

He reached over and wiped away my tears.  “Good, and hopefully, next time, I won’t make you cry.”

That made me smile.  “And next time, I will bring a change of clothes with me…”

 Again, we both blushed.

 “For after tennis…that’s what I meant…after tennis,” I protested.

 He laughed, and I did the same.  “Yes, for after tennis. Susannah, may I please kiss you again before I leave?”

 I nodded, and that time, when he lowered his lips to mine, the kiss was not soft nor quick.

[theramblingonesie]

Through The Lens of a Juice-Bruiser

It’s incredible how quickly one’s life can change when they start saying yes.  Granted, I’m almost always saying yes, so shit’s almost always getting weird.

My yes’s have brought me back to Mexico, where I’ve been met with a lot of no’s, some radical gear-shifting, and a lot of time-outs. This seems to be the relationship Mexico and I have worked out with each other.  While in time-out, I’ve had a lot of time to think about who I am now, who I’m becoming, and what I want at this stage of life.  This kind of reflection isn’t particularly out of the norm for me, but with this current quietness in my environment, the lack of distractions have given volume to the truth in how unprepared I am.

Saying you want or are going to do something is not enough.  You need to be aligned with it down to your core.  In the next few years, I wanna do some big things.  But how am I going to be able to do big things when I think and feel so small?  With all of these dreams, plans and ambitions, why am I allowing so much space for self-sabotage? How can I be in service to the healing and betterment of others when I’m my own worst Babadook?

I’ve been binge-reading/watching/listening to all things birth-related while I go through my doula certification.  I’m geeking the eff out on this subject.  One of the amazing places the research has taken me is into the idea of conscious conception.  Real nifty stuff.  And where *that* took me was to a sharp detour right into healing my own social and sexual trauma.

Barf.

No, actually, it’s really good. I’m ready.  In a couple of days I’ll publicly post my other blog that I wrote while leading up to this point.

I found a woman named Layla Martin.  Look her up. She’s this happy, real-talk, badass sex educator who is doing good things in the world to help all folks of all preference and orientation heal themselves and live more present, ecstatic lives.  I’m not usually, if ever, one for guru-types.  I think 99.9% are shams and they usually make my skin want to turn into snakes that eat each other and then die.  But this woman keeps it so authentic, and maintains her own vulnerability in a way that I can super get with, and so I totally encourage everyone to check her out.

She offers a series of exercises on self-love and confidence, which I really, reallyreallyreallyREALLY need. With the peace, space and personal freedom I feel when I’m traveling, I thought now would be a great opportunity to try and develop some new habits, so I’ve been trying to do yoga every morning and then meditate while applying some of her techniques.

One of them, a very commonly known one that’s been used forever by every therapist known to this universe, is looking at yourself in the mirror and saying “I love you”.

EWWWWW NOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYY

I CAAAAANNN’TT

NOT THAT OOONNNEE PLEEAASSEE DON’T MAKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sigh.

I’ve been putting that one off. But this morning I knew I had a long day of being out in the world, and had no desire to battle my beastly anxiety in public, so I broke out the big guns and did all of the damn exercises.  I ate my chocolate and banana, drank water, did yoga, then sat down to meditate. After a few minutes, I opened my eyes, looked up into the mirror and said, “I love you.”

Omg, it felt awful.

“Who fucking does shit like this?  This is some rock bottom BS.  I’m like that neurotic middle-aged man who just got fired for being a drunk, and his wife left him, and he’s trying to put himself back together from his mom’s couch. I’m not that guy!”

“Oh yeah? Who is that guy?” the little voice in my head asked.

“Pathetic.  People who boast about loving themselves are weak and arrogant.”

“Wow. Wow…”

“Don’t judge me!”

“Okay, let’s play the mirror game. When you’re in a disempowered place, how do you view yourself?”

“Weak and arrogant.”

“Interesting.”

“NO IT’S NOT.”

“Sounds like your fears are trying to trick you out of feeling confident, because you might actually stop sabotaging yourself and have to live a healthy, fulfilling life. We can’t have that now….”

“Crap. Okay, I’ll do the exercise.”

I backtracked and tried a different exercise to lead up to that one.  It was a visualization of my younger self, and how I would tell her that I love her.  Unexpectedly, I started crying.  I was crying for how hurt I was, and for how relieved I was to hear kind, compassionate words from myself.  When I opened my eyes, I tried again.  

“I love you”, I said. And I could see in my eyes that I meant it. It wasn’t like those times in the past where I’ve gone through the motions of the exercise, like someone who is at the end of a relationship but doesn’t know how to get out.  This was genuine, and it shocked me.  I repeated it until it reached every piece of me, and I then I was ready to begin my day.

I floated off to the farmer’s market to get some fresh veggies. I felt light, I felt sweet, I felt calm and totally at ease in my body.  Food is magic to me, so going to the market is like praying.  I get stupid excited about kale and tomatoes every time like it’s my first time.  I was even a good little shopper and returned the glass bottles from the juice I bought the week before.

Or so I thought.

Everything was going so well.  I was just about to give the vendor my money for the new juice, and SMASH!!!! My purse had apparently hit a bottle on the table while my back was turned, and glass and blueberry juice went everywhere.  The people around fell quiet.

I wanted to die.

All of my work, all of that self-love, coaching on how to hold yourself in compassion when you feel shame or social awkwardness: DESTROYED.

I froze. I made weird nervous puppy sounds.  The vendor told me not to worry about it, so I ran away, and spent the next 20 minutes emotionally tearing my guts out and running them through a meat grinder while my brain manifested 1,000 school children pointing and laughing at me.  I kept kicking myself for being a stupid American, how people like me are the reason why the world especially hates white Americans.  How everyone thinks I’m an idiot because my language skills are poor, but now I’m also clumsy and careless on top of it. Dogs would walk by and my head would say “that dog won’t even look at you because it knows you’re Satan.”

Eventually I stood up. When I ran away, I ran to the furthest end of the market, so I had to go all the way back through to leave.   I reminded myself to chill out and to start over. I faked my body language until my attitude caught up with it: shoulders back, soft face, deep breath, gentle walking. By the time I got to the end, a table with sweet little potted plants caught my eye.  The vendor was incredibly kind, and he smiled brightly while he enthusiastically told me all about his gardening practice.

“Right,” I reminded myself. “You’re allowed to accept kindness.”

After I paid, he asked me if I like mandalas.  Curious, I said yes.  He picked up a beautiful little stone that he had hand-painted, and offered it to me as a gift.

On the most basic level, this was a very sweet gesture that I deeply appreciated, especially after the violent lashing I had just given myself over juice.

(Juice. C’mon.)

(Okay, it was never actually about juice, but still, c’mon.)

On a greater level, this moment of kindness felt like a tiny kiss from the universe, like when you’re a little kid who falls off her bike, and your mom picks you up, kisses the little scrape on your knee, and cheers you on when you hop back up and keep riding. It was a good moment to understand how deeply I emotionally abuse myself; how downright mean I am.  No wonder I attract assholes and shitty situations into my life.  My most important line of defense is flipping me the middle finger and pissing in my lemonade!

I went home and posted about my new pet plant.  It barely got any traction online.  My brain went back into turbo-hate mode.  “Nobody likes you; why do you try to take up space?”

Omg, self! Stop!

I grabbed a book, took my dress off, and laid out on the terrace in the sun.  I didn’t want to try any exercises.  I just wanted to recalibrate on my own as a normal human. I reminded myself of all the risks I’ve taken in the past couple years, how my life is abnormal, and how painful/confusing/disorienting it can be to separate yourself from your former life and the friends in it.  I reminded myself that I chose to change, even though this choice didn’t feel like much of a choice if I wanted to be true to myself. If I want this change to be worth it, if I’m serious about answering the call, then I have to figure out a way to stop being a bully to myself so I can start truly living.  I reminded myself that I don’t have to be the best, or the coolest, or the most impressive.  I don’t actually owe anyone anything.  Right now, I just have to feel confident that I will lead myself to safe, healthy choices, and that I’m worthy of inhabiting my body and the spaces it delivers me to. That’s enough.  Everything else will fall in line.

I got up and made my way to an alternative, underground art collective that was having an art sale event. Even though my inner little sad dude tried to say it was okay if I stayed home, I knew it was important to go. My going to this event was an exercise in self-love.  I was ready to meet other local artists.  I wanted to stand in front of something beautiful, something inspiring.  I wanted to meet and chat with other women, and other weirdos.  I was ready to move outside of the current trend of only hanging out men who are drunk and lie in hopes of fucking me; playing another round of “let’s trick the stupid gringa”.  I was ready to socialize because I’m excited to, not just because I’m lonely.

I went, and it was amazing. I was surrounded by art of all mediums, and the beautiful minds that created them.  People were incredibly friendly, and I got several cards and phone numbers.  I spoke mostly to other women, which was such a relief.  I told one vendor about “The Slutcracker” and “pussy galaxy” from back in Boston when I saw her stickers of people in various explicit positions of having sex with the night sky, and she squealed so loudly with joy that it made me feel like I could relax and be my authentic self in this space.  On my way out, one of the organizers told me that I should come hang out at the collective during the week and see if there’s any way I’d want to get involved.

Again, a kiss from the universe.  I took the time to be kind, follow my happiness, and I was rewarded with a beautiful, fulfilling afternoon that gave me a glimpse into the incredible life I could continue building here if I remain in my truth, and in love.

Because here’s a cool thing that sounds so basic and cliché, but is rather profound in action—

When you love yourself, you can love and accept others.  

Sometimes, however, like an SSRI for depression, we need a little outside love to get over the hump and get inspired.  Meaning, you don’t need high self-esteem to know love, but boy howdy does having it deepen the experience.  Self-worth is magical for transforming co-dependency to true love.

When I got home, I flopped down on my bed, exhausted and starving.  The amount of energy I had spent trying to pull my shit together and socialize had left me happy, but also totally depleted.  I pepped myself up enough to walk downstairs to check the broth I had made the night before.  I had already ordered takeout because the idea of cooking seemed impossible, but next thing I knew, I was cooking a new soup.  Every time I opened the fridge, I saw another ingredient that made me so excited. I greeted them like they were beloved friends.

“Eee!! Hi Rosemary! Yay, hello Beans!!! Oooo, Lime, lookin’ good, lookin’ good. TOMATOES, YOU ARE FABULOUS!”

I do this. I’m constantly thinking outloud and talking to inanimate objects. Sometimes I tell myself it’s because maybe I’m a Buddhist or something and believe there’s spirit flowing through all things.  But Buddhists probably don’t stop in the middle of a room and honk for no reason. It feels great. Try it.

5 minutes before my delivery arrived, I realized I had whipped up a glorious soup.  Oops…kinda.  I found myself back in the space I was before The Great October Juice Tragedy, where food was magical.  Each ingredient I purchased was done so with special care, with consciousness, and excitement for how it would taste.  I don’t have much money, so every bit was deliberate.  Making that soup became less about physical nourishment, because I already had food on the way.  It was about a joyous celebration of good choices; each choice, each ingredient being another gesture to love myself.  I didn’t feel guilty about the abundance because none of it was a waste.  Now I have yummy soup leftovers to look forward to without the effort of cooking this week.

Another exercise Layla suggests is to do something, every day, where the action becomes an exercise in self-love.  She compares it to going to the gym and working out.  Whether it’s lighting a candle, putting on your clothes for the day, or sipping your coffee—with each motion, say “I love you” to yourself.  I decided to do that with soup.

Slurp. I love you.

Sluuurp. Oh man, YUM. I freaking love you!

Sluuurp! Ahhh. Yeah. I love you.  Thank you for such a great meal.  That was really kind and thoughtful.

I ate my delivery sandwich, too, heh.  I think I needed the calories because today was exhausting. I learned a lot, observed a lot, and I look forward to continuing this work so that I can keep getting out of my own way, stop putting up with garbage, and have the energy to do what I gotta goddamn do.  I expect to still have some rough patches and tough days ahead, but that’s to be expected when you’re rewiring 20+ years of unhealthy thought.  While I’m practicing this in the emotional realm, this is truly an exercise in neuroplasticity.  That ish takes time.  Whether things are “good” or “bad” is less pressing for me right now than simply being clear: setting the intention, and digging in to do the work to follow through.  When I’m clear, I see results.  When I’m clear, my muck falls away to create a channel that love can course through. Love manifests itself as focus and care. Also when I’m a clear channel for love, I feel connected to my environment and the people therein.  Being kind, being compassionate, dedicating to learning, and being aware of my carbon footprint come naturally, because I can feel the web.  What happens out there tugs on me, too.  When I’m aware of this web, I can see my path, and that’s when dreams become reality.

That sounds oversimplified. Don’t approach this in an oversimplified way.  Make room for the journey to be one hell of a mother fucking for real for real journey. Find peace in being wrong. You’re totally gonna be wrong at some point/s, haha.

*hug*

If you suffer from negative self-talk like I do, I hope that my own stumbling through this helps you to know that you’re not alone.  If you want to go look in the mirror and cry and say “I love you” to yourself, I highly recommend it.  It’s gonna feel super weird.  But just know, there’s another little weirdo (me) out there somewhere who is really proud of you and not judging you for it.  Reading back over this, I’m noticing all the different times and ways I mention self-love. Maybe I’ll start journaling a daily self-love log to keep count, and try to fill that jar up like a piggy bank. Let me know if you do, too!

I think if we’d all love ourselves just a little bit more, genuinely and fully, there’d be a whole hell of a lot less douchebagery in the world.

But even with that,

There’s still a chance that you will crash into a table of juice.

Deal with it.

Special thanks to my goofy bf for always supporting me (even though I wish he’d make fun of me more), and for giving me this silly blog title.  If you want to learn more about Layla Martin, visit https://layla-martin.com

[loi-et-love]

SZ: hi.

first thing first..... T H A N K S ....for so many things... talking to me, being nice to me (even when i was pain in the ass) .... being frank and open..... talking whatever came to your mind (well that you do with everyone) ..... answering to some long emails... with equally wrong emails....

you know i had drafted a mail earlier but had to delete it ... thought might as well write something new and fresh..... and this is what you have done to me ..... When i have free time .... i think "let me write to aditi" ..... sometimes..... i even wake up in the middle of my sleep to check...... if there is any message from you.... but unfortunately only calls or messages i get then at that time are from GC .... some how he just knows when i am busy.... or sleeping in office hours and he will call me..... the joke i tell my mom is "if i want GC to call me ..... i should sleep" and hola ...tring tring ....

initially when we started talking...... i did want to know why is she talking so much to me .... but then i let go of it ..... realized later you are talkative.....

i dont talk to many people..... and i dont remember when i had written 100 odd emails .... to someone ...... i guess there have been days when we have completed more than 50 odd emails in a single day.... like today we are already near 42......

two reasons i dont talk to many people in office is 1) my last name: they have pre concieved notion about me and feel uncomfortable talking to me ...... and i dont like when people are uncomfortable .... and they do make it previous obvious

2) whatever little interaction i have had with some ..... i just dont connect... i dont feel the need to ... or in simpler words..... i dont find anyone else interesting enough

yes i like you,.... want to know you..... but i want to know you at your pace and your convenience .... i am not in a hurry..... but then its like you kind of sweet like an ice cream..... and i get worried... what if it just melts away .... so i want to know things about you......

all those questions hanky panky and all is just to get you open up..... as i always say.... i was also 24 for one full year..... and i know things that happen.... i am no saint either.... and i had a car since i was 16..... so had my share of back seat action too....

sometimes...... its obvious that i am the distraction .... that keeps you away from ex......... sometimes.... its just that ... you have too much stored in yourself ...... and you dont have the channel to release it all..... so you just treat me like an "agony uncle" or lets say punching bag.... i am ok with that.....

And you are currently occupying lot of my mental space..... whether is sleeping or awake ....

like today i didnt need to send the photo which i sent in morning ...... or didnt need to think about you when i saw rainbow ..... didnt need to go for walk ..... i went yesterday also .... the reason : well yesterday i knew you would be busy from 6-7 while driving to go home and today i knew you would be sleeping while i was awake so i thought might as well go for a walk

talking sarcastically or flirting or being funny is natural to me and so is the serious attitude.... seen a lot of things in life....

you dont like flirting we can always stop.... it will be difficult but i can stop.... no more checking out .... btw its not the ass which i check out first in a lady....... its something else

chalo will send across this email when you are back from lunch..... and done with your work

ohhhh last thing ..... you are B E A U T I F U L ....enjoy have a nice day .

I: God!! nobody is ever going to let me read this email with full concentration. *angry face*

Will you stop thanking me?? I didn't do anything FOR you. i'm selfish that way. So stop!! I did everything because I wanted to. I didn't do any favors for you. I talk to you because i like talking to you. I'm nice to you because you have been nice to me (no indecency). I'm frank and open... Well, that's just who I am. I speak my mind. And I respond to your long emails because I love talking to you and I love long emails. Long emails signify how much willing you are to talk to me. It shows your effort, that you are ready to type so much because you so much to say.

Maybe you can send me that email you deleted. I would want to read everything you type to send me because that's what you wanted to say to me.

I know how you feel. you have done the same thing to me too. I was late for lunch and made Kaalu and H sir wait becasue I wanted to finish writing an email to you.

It's true that I am talkative but I don't talk soooooo much with everybody. I'm friendly with everyone but not everybody is my friend. So, I talked so much with you because I chose to and not because I have a compulsive need of talking.

And BTW you spoke to me first. I had my seat changed and you had asked me something. I think you had asked me what I do here, etc. and then why my place was changed. I remember it was dark and there was nobody in the office except you and me and you were filling your water bottle and laughed (that cute laugh I love) when I told you that because French Translator and I talk a lot they changed my place. (I know it was silly of me. I didn't even care that you're a C (last name) and I shouldn't have and I should've maintain a decorum with you)

"i dont talk to many people" Tha'ts what Kaalu said, you don't talk to too many people. And if you talk, nobody hears your voice. So, it's more or less like you don't talk at all.

And those days are the best days where we write over 50 emails to each other.

I know why you wouldn't talk to people here in OIA. I saw and felt how lonely you are. and then you talked to me one day and I felt "god! ye accha baat karta hai. Decency toh baapre.. chalakti hai!! Has a nice soothing, amazing voice. English mast hai." And then Idk how and when I started talking to you. I don't remember. All I know is that I must've blabbered a lot for no reason, forcing you to be in the conversation. Do you remember how I started talking to you so much after you spoke to me once? (answer me) I actually you spoke to me twice. once ws in the elevator when we were going down. I think we started talking about cars and books when we would leave. And then you would advise me like an uncle to drive safe and use this direction than the one I use. Ufff... how annoying I found you then!! Treating me like I'm 10!

So, as i was saying i thought u r introvert n shy n lonely n dont have many friends here. but i was happy to see you chitchatting with anand sir then.. Sometime in february i think. I was relieved..

I don't understand what preconceived notions they would have about you.

People know you're C because you speak THEIR language. (That's how I found out). I would always see you talk with Kapil. And I wud make a face like why does this man have to talk to him (Atul), bichara.. paka raha hoga Atul ko! But then i found out u r a Chaturvedi and I slapped my forehead. Like whyyyyyyy............... But then your last name never felt like a hindrance for me. You last name never bothered me. Is that strange for you? (answer me)

So, you know how I feel about you not being here right now? So, you know how I feel about you leaving? There is nobody interesting in this office. There's nobody who reach my standards and actually hold a conversation with me. You have no idea how ecsatic I was to talk to you everytime!! I would wait for NL to leave so that I could talk to you. But you would shoo me away like a dog.. :( That did hurt me when you continued to do it for a few days but I didn't say anything because i know you didn't mean it

You have to ask questions to know me. Don't ask me questions about what hanky panky I have done. I won't answer that. i don't kiss and tell. I told you about Aditya. I told you I have daddy issues. You figured out I have trust issues. It takes time to get to know people. And it's more fun when you get to know them as the time passes by. Fast-fast karne me koi mazaa nahi hai. I have been very fast in my life and i've realized this now and i always prefer to go slow.

I want to get to know you too. You conceal so much behind this fluffy (hehehe) exterior. But it takes time.

You are not the distraction. Dude. I have many distractions. Do you think you are the only person in the office I flirt with? Think again! Yeah, it's true that you are the only person I actually enjoy flirting with!! ('im not buttering you up here)

Nobody can keep me away from BB. BB and I... We have the strangest chemistry. We wouldn't talk to each other for months (which felt like years) and we'd gravitate back to each other. It's just how it is. Nobody can stop what's happening between me and him. and you're not a distraction. I don't use humans anymore. not that person anymore.

This is true "you have too much stored in yourself ...... and you dont have the channel to release it all" But you aren't my agony uncle or punching bag. I have just been awfully mad at you, once !! Just once!!.

You are just completely different for me. You hold the weirdest place in my life. Never anticipated to go this far. I didn't know you'd give me your number and i would chat with you like its the end of the world!!

And you are currently occupying lot of my mental space..... whether is sleeping or awake .... --> i don't want to ruin the moment, but i do do this to alot of people. What you said in another email that i have made your boring life here in OIA, interesting and now you look forward to it. There was this intern (also Adi, he's a southernese) he too said the same thing. He wasn't somebody who would talk a lot but with me, we would talk for 9 hours straight for 2-3 weeks! He didnt have any work and nor did I. and he still cannot believe it. Yeah, so i do have an effect on people. (I won't say i dont enjoy it. i jsut hope it turns out to be a good experience for them)

If you thought about me when you saw the rainbow, then i think of you everytime i see XUV on the street. I wait for you to text me on whatsapp. I come to work and I check my email first for any email from you.

Today when i came to work, i really thought that you're lying n u have come back n you'll come to work today.

" it will be difficult but i can stop" --> really? it'll be difficult???

What's the first thing you check out in a girl? and what's the first thing u checked out in me?

"ohhhh last thing ..... you are B E A U TI FUL ....enjoy have a nice day ." --> i have to hug you for this. There's a way of saying things. it also matters who is saying to you.

I'm too disturbed after wat NL said yesterday. I jsut want to go to him anymore.. i'm not Veena or Marina. Nor do I behave that way (although i did speak things with you, i hit on you, that's different. but really, i didn't do it with NL)

"ohhhh last thing ..... you are B E A U TI FUL ....enjoy have a nice day ." --> you made my day. (you too have an effect on me, okay. you just don't realize it, although I say it out loud so many times) this made me smile shyly. main sharmati nahi hu.. thank you :*