#why yes feeling lost and meaningless is why i was having a breakdown in the bathroom at work today 💕

[mywillbedone]

RE: TLOU Ending:

sure sure u can take the direct approach, ellie chooses to believe joel bc knowing he lied and went against her probable wishes is too unpleasant to live with

but that bit really resonates with me as a guy who is sooo fucked up and has spent a lot of time despairing over Purpose

she does something i do a Lot, and used to do without realizing it (and have a hard time resisting the urge to do consciously now) when i feel insecure, asking for reassurance. asking for repetition to see if the answer changes. especially when you Know the truth of smth, asking a question to psychoanalyze the way someone responds

it can easily be read as. ellie only really started to understand she had value just existing when joel says they can just go home, and then tells her shes what healed him.

up to that point she was useless, she meant nothing to fedra, had no direction or purpose. riley gave her a taste of being worth something but that got snatched away before she could even begin to process it. then marlene and everybody else comes in at her lowest point and tells her. you have a Purpose, you can be Worth something. and thats all shes had bc these dorks cant talk about feelings. theres a shadow of understanding that maybe she matters, but they never talk so thats all it is, it's immaterial and could just as easily not be there. so of course she would probably want to Fulfill her Purpose at all costs....

(even if they HAD asked for her consent to do that, is she really. able to make that decision? shes fucking 14 and i remember at that age low key fantasizing about being a dumbass martyr, having some greater Purpose in the scheme of things, especially when i felt like i had nothing else. she's also been manipulated to think that way specifically, and hasn't had time to experience life with her own inherent value acknowledged. if she had more time with that, would she agree to sacrifice herself? i kinda doubt it)

so then joel lies, and she kinda knows it. and is mulling that over the rest of the drive. she Has to ask. to see how he will respond, to give him an out to come clean. and when he lies again. theres so much to that.

there was no other way he could answer. sure he wants to spare her feelings. but it would also be too close to admitting he did something wrong (he doesnt think so, and he didnt). and it would force him to put his feelings to words and its too big for that, he couldnt possibly. it would mean less if he could, thats just the kind of guy he is.

and thats the reassurance ellie needs to realize she doesnt need Purpose because shes Truly worth something, everything to the person who she feels the same about. and she can move on then

she doesn't have to believe joel because what he was saying unspoken there was much more important

[babyspacebatclone]

I shall simply contribute “Yes, this is powerfully emotionally accurate to my own experiences, ouch.”

And provide the image transcript below cut.

The post contains three images, which are photographs of the text of a physical book. The second image in particular shows warping of the text due to the page sloping into the spine.

(first image begins mid sentence:)

… and socially withdrawn, and I truly believed I did not need other people. I'd moved to the city for graduate school and figured I could pour all my energy into classes and research and think of nothing else.

Solitude had worked pretty well for me up to that point. I had excelled academically, and living a "life of the mind" kept me from worrying too much about my many problems. I had an eating disorder that had ravaged my digestive system, and gender dysphoria that made me resent how other people saw me, though I didn't yet understand why. I didn't know how to approach people or initiate conversations, and I didn't care to learn, because most interactions left me feeling irritated and unheard. The few relationships I did have were enmeshed; I took responsibility for others problems, tried to manage their emotions for them, and lacked any capacity to say "no" to unreasonable requests. I didn't know what I wanted out of life, other than to become…

(second image)

a professor. I didn't want a family, I didn't have hobbies, and I believed I was incapable of really being loved. But I was getting good grades and my intellect earned me a lot of praise, so I just focused on those strengths. I pretended all the rest was a meaningless distraction.

When graduate school began, I rarely went out with my new class-mates. The few times I did, I had to get completely hammered to over come my inhibitions and seem "fun." Otherwise I spent whole weekends alone in my apartment, reading journal articles and falling down strange internet rabbit-holes. I didn't let myself have hobbies. I barely exercised or cooked. I’d occasionally hook up with people if I wanted sex or even just a little attention, but every interaction was impassive and rote. I had no sense of myself as a multifaceted human being.

By winter of that year I'd turned into a lonely, isolated wreck. I’d spend an hour sitting in the shower while the hot water rained down on me, lacking the will to stand up. I had trouble speaking to other people. I couldn't think of any research ideas and lost all interest in what I was studying. One of my supervisors chewed me out for rolling my eyes at her during meetings. At night bone-shaking sobs of despair and overwhelm would overtake me, and I'd pace around my room, whimpering and striking myself in the temples with the heels of my hands. My solitude had somehow become imprisoning, but I was too lacking in social skills or emotional self-awareness to get myself out of it.

I couldn't understand how I'd gotten myself into that miserable position. How was I supposed to know I needed friends, and a life?

How could I go about connecting with others, when every effort was so unsatisfying? What did I actually enioy or care about? Around people, I felt I had to censor every natural reaction, and pretend to have interests and feelings that were normal. Plus, people were so over whelming. They were all so loud and erratic, their eyes like painful laser beans boring into me. All I wanted to do was sit in the dark and not be bothered or judged.

I believed something was fundamentally wrong with me I seemed…

(third image)

to be broken in ways I couldn't explain, but which everyone else could see at a glance. I spent several more years languishing like this, working myself to the point of burnout, having emotional breakdowns, relying on romantic partners for social contact and a sense of worthiness, and googling things like "how to make friends" in the middle of the night. Through it all, I never considered asking for help or sharing with anyone how I felt. I lived by a very narrow set of rules, and remaining independent and invulnerable was chief among them.

I read the Introduction to Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price tonight

i finally feel heard:

[tyonfs]

dunk shot! nct series

basketball is a rough, grueling sport, but why is the team so gorgeous? the boys love the thrill of the sport, the way their shoes skid against the court, the strain of their muscles after practice, and, of course, the raging parties. however, what they crave more than the sweet taste of the victory is a shot at love. 

GENRES ▸ smut, crack, fluff, college au, jock au

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, alcohol consumption, sexual content (smut)

AUTHOR’S NOTE ▸ deciding to take on this series took a lot of thought, but i’m glad i’m doing it! the storylines are loosely connected but you can read them all separately! ♡ send me an ask or comment to be added to the tag list!

LAST UPDATED ▸ may 25th, 2023

❝ jesus, mark, if you’re not going to read the room at least sparknote it.❞

PAIRING ▸ jeong jaehyun x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ friends to enemies to lovers, college au, sports, friends with benefits, smut, crack, fluff

WARNINGS ▸ sexual !! tension !! lots of it, smut (public sex, fingering, hate sex, raw sex, pool sex, oral sex), mark lee cockblocking, also yes, there’s actual fluff

SUMMARY ▸ there was no one else on the planet that made your blood boil like jeong jaehyun did. you never thought your feelings toward him were anything past pure hatred, but when you were lost in the feeling of his lips on yours and his hands on your body, you couldn’t help but think that maybe a part of you didn’t completely hate his guts.

STATUS ▸ on court

❝ rule number one of bro code states that sisters are completely off-limits, and, y/n, we just pushed that limit. ❞

PAIRING ▸ na jaemin x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, crack, fluff, college au, friends with benefits au

WARNINGS ▸ lots of !! sexual tension !! and jaemin acting like a dick, protective big brother!jaehyun, lots of sneaking around, jaemin calls you princess a lot, teasing, fingering, alcohol consumption, hooking up, thigh riding, smut, oral sex, aftercare

SUMMARY ▸ tired of meaningless hookups and dull parties, na jaemin had always been hesitant to indulge himself. that is, of course, until he met you. however, upon realizing you’re none other than jeong jaehyun’s little sister, jaemin has to keep his relationship with you under wraps to make sure his team captain doesn’t find out.

STATUS ▸ on court

❝ word has it that yuta nakamoto is the new pink. personally, i think whoever came up with that is deeply disturbed. ❞

PAIRING ▸ yuta nakamoto x fem!reader (ft. wong yukhei)

GENRES ▸ slow burn, smut, crack, fluff, angst, college au, enemies to lovers, summer romance au, mutual pining 

WARNINGS ▸ reader is super shallow at first but !! character development, mentions of family issues, sexual tension, love triangle, yuta and reader bickering all the time, teasing, sneaking around, corruption kink, yuta calls you princess and kitten, fingering, exhibitionism, oral (fem. receiving), i promise it’s fluffy after the angst

SUMMARY ▸ despite having everything in the palm of your hand, you soon realized that not everything could be won over by money and your jaw-dropping looks. unfortunately, you had to come to that conclusion when your birthday present was the bane of your existence, yuta nakamoto.

STATUS ▸ on court

❝ i must be an absolute idiot because i can’t stop thinking about this girl i’ve never seen or met in person. ❞

PAIRING ▸ lee jeno x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, crack, fluff, college au, friends to lovers

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, smut, rest is tba

SUMMARY ▸ somewhere in the middle of being one of the best players on the basketball team and being a nearly perfect student, lee jeno just wanted to find love. however, he didn’t expect to find it through a mental breakdown and a wrinkled flyer on a bullet board. lee jeno meets you, full of snapple facts and outlooks on life that make him, a neuroscience major, stop to think. he didn’t expect to start falling for someone volunteering for a hotline made for someone’s senior project, and he sure didn’t foresee how hard he was falling.

STATUS ▸ benched

❝ so we’re going to make out but in a platonic way? was this in the contract? ❞

PAIRING ▸ liu yangyang x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, crack, fluff, college au, friends to lovers, fake dating au

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, smut, rest is tba

SUMMARY ▸ your best friend, liu yangyang, was always by your side to help you. what surprised you, however, was how he agreed to pretend to be your boyfriend so that your parents would stop pestering you to date someone. thus, the boyfriend contract was created, but it was only a matter of time before the lines started blurring between you and your best friend.

STATUS ▸ benched

❝ go ahead and ask your questions, but i want you to ride my thigh while you do. ❞

PAIRING ▸ johnny suh x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, fluff, crack, college au, sports au, journalist au, fuckbuddies to lovers

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, sexual tension, lots of teasing and flirty banter, smut (this is so self indulgent), dirty talk, oral sex (fem. receiving), squirting, orgasm denial, praise, kinda degradation, thigh riding, fingering, sex in front of a mirror, steamy scene in a shower, johnny is actually very soft, alcohol consumption, mentions of drugs, ft. annoying best friends chenle, jisung, and mark

SUMMARY ▸ when you get the biggest scoop on one of the sports teams, you’re determined to get in on the front page of the school newspaper. unfortunately, your only lead is the basketball team’s captain, johnny suh, and not only is he a tough nut to crack, but he’s also a little too good at distracting you.

STATUS ▸ on court

❝ this thing cries? god, what a cockblock. ❞

PAIRING ▸ mark lee x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, fluff, crack, angst, college au, sort of a fake dating au, sort of a roommate au

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, sexual tension, mark is a virgin, reader is a born again virgin(??), dirty talk, big dick mark agenda, golden hour reference ifykyk, oral (m. receiving), protected sex this time, also no real babies were endangered during the marriage and baby project just a robot one

SUMMARY ▸ mark lee has had the biggest crush on you for years, so, naturally, he’s over the moon when you’re both partnered for a group project. however, he underestimates just how close two people can get when they have to pretend they’re married for a month while taking care of a fake baby.

STATUS ▸ on court

GENERAL TAG LIST ▸ @papiiimark @jaehy9ngs @chanluster @jjhmk @marksflute @superhajimark @jeongyoonohs @marklexleaf @dnylwoo @kpop-bambi @miyrisa @jjikyuu @venesiun @seventeeneration @chenosaurus16 @kylomeyon @infnteen @ohmarkly @weish5n @thejeongjaehyun​ @lovesjenmoong​ @infnteen​ @wownajaemin​ @haruharux23 @pewpewpwe00 @scxrlettkx @pckeia @keijikunn @sapiowoman28 @atiny-doodles @loki-in-hogwarts @baekhyuns-lipchain @repjaehyn @chan-s-laptop @jen0zen @michplusb @yutassecrettime @minkis-simp​ @dreamyyang​ @catscoffeeandkpop​ @ahgastayzen​ @ryu-naa​ @i-kai​ @liliansun​

being added to this tag list means you will be mentioned in the tag list of all of the fics listed in the series

[momosandlemonsoda]

Snippet for FebWhump 2022

I’m not usually a whump writer, but I love me a good shower breakdown and this prompt falls on my birthday, so-- snippet! This snippet is from the as-yet unpublished Arranged Marriage au, lines up with The Lost Tomb Reboot/Chongqi s1 ep16, after Wu Xie collapses in Xiaoge’s arms. It goes... mostly the same in this AU, except Wu Xie and Liu Sang are married and Xiaoge and Wu Xie are together and it’s a giant mess of hurt feelings and miscommunications (we will fix it!)

Prompt for February 27: Shower Breakdown

Ershu, or more likely, Er Jing, had booked them rooms in the nicest hotel close to Wu Xie’s hospital. Or so Liu Sang has heard— he’s been too busy trying to care for his stubborn ass of a husband, too busy trying to defend against the verbal slings and arrows that first Ershu himself and then the other two sides of the iron triangle decided to lob at him, to do more than grab snatched minutes of sleep by Wu Xie’s bedside, listening carefully to his heartbeat, his lungs, forcing food down his throat, and memorizing the doctors’ words because heaven knows his idiot spouse won’t.

He’s not sure how long it’s been when Hei-ye finds him sitting beside Wu Xie’s bedside, watching Wu Xie sleep far more peacefully than he has any right to. He’s gone so long without proper rest that time has become blurry and shallow, all but meaningless compared to the space between labored breaths, the syncopation of the machines. He knows that he drove off with Wu Xie and Pangzi to start the trip back to Hangzhou on Tuesday morning, but beyond that? It’s meaningless, unimportant compared to… this. To watching Wu Xie’s chest rise and fall, the thin blanket shifting over him with each inhalation.

“Liu Sang,” Hei-ye says quietly. He looks up, taking a moment to focus, to notice that Hei-ye is holding out a hand. “You need to come with me.”

“Why?” he asks, rising automatically, smoothing a hand down whatever shirt he’s wearing. If he’s to go a few rounds with Hei Xiazi or Ershu (again) or, heaven forbid, Pangzi, then he wants to be prepared.

“Back to the hotel,” Hei-ye says, and then catches his arm when he turns around to go back to Wu Xie. “You need to sleep and you can’t do that here.”

“Can,” Liu Sang says, tugging his arm. It doesn’t move, and that’s strange, he wonders—

“Liu Sang,” and Hei-ye’s voice isn’t gentle exactly, but it’s softer than Liu Sang has yet heard, “you’ll do no good to Xiao San-ye if you end up in a bed next to him.” He pauses, strokes his chin. “I suppose it would be very romantic, of course, but also very idiotic.”

Liu Sang stares at him a moment, confused, because he and Wu Xie don’t have a romance. He can’t see Hei-ye’s eyes but he gets the impression the man has rolled them. “I thought you were smart, Wu Furen,” Hei-ye says, and that annoys Liu Sang enough that he tries to wrench his arm away. “Look,” Hei-ye says, not budging. “You can get in the car under your own power or I can knock you out and carry you through the hospital. Up to you.”

Liu Sang opens his mouth to argue as he tries to free his arm again, but he ends up swaying and nearly falling. Everything swims alarmingly in front of him, and when he can see again, Hei-ye is shaking his head. “Fine,” he says shortly. “Just for an hour or two.”

“Whatever you say, Wu Furen,” Hei-ye says, and Liu Sang lets himself be led out to the too-hot, too-bright, too-quiet parking lot.

***

Back at the hotel, he’s too jittery to sleep right away, and he can’t remember when he last had anything resembling a meal. He calls down for room service and decides to take a shower while he waits. He’s suddenly aware of just how long he’s been in these clothes, how terrible he smells. He throws them into a corner of the bathroom as he starts the shower, desperate to be clean.

The warm water rushing over him is soothing, loosening muscles. He’s covered in bruises— from the car crash, from the guards, from bouncing around in Jiang Zisuan’s car for hours. Eventually, he picks up the shampoo, pours some into his hand. Its light and floral scent rises as he starts massaging it into his hair, digging his fingernails into his scalp. For long minutes he enjoys the feel of the soap suds slipping over him, the rasp of the facecloth, the feel of finally being clean.

As he stands there, though, the image of Wu Xie, bright red blood running down his chin, flashes to his mind. Then Wu Xie in that hospital bed— flakes of dried blood around his mouth, tubes down his throat, the mutter of doctors and the shrill shriek of the machines. Wu Xie had looked pale and small when Liu Sang had seen him in that first hospital in Macau. He looks even worse now, thinner and bruised. And Liu Sang has less hope now, understands more, and he knows, knows that it’s just a matter of time. That this recovery is just a waypoint on the road to the end.

He thought about the kiss that Wu Xie had given him in the general’s office, how Wu Xie had been so joyful, proud of himself for besting the general, and sweet as he checked Liu Sang over, as he took his mouth. It was their first real kiss since their wedding night, Liu Sang thought, and if Wu Xie died it would be their last.

He thought about sex with Wu Xie, their wedding night, how good it had been, sweet and funny and a little bit dirty and he wanted that again. Suddenly it seemed astonishing to him that they hadn’t had sex since then, that in all the months he’d spent five nights out of seven in Wu Xie’s arms they hadn’t—

He wants. He wants to kiss his husband, to fuck him, be fucked by him. He wants to argue over stupid things like who used the last of the soy milk and the 70 used mugs strewn around the house on a daily basis. He wants—

He covers his eyes, digging the heels of his hands in hard, but the tears leak out anyway. He ignores them, pretends it’s only the hot water on his face. The first sob takes him by surprise, though. It’s ripped from his chest, deep and wracking, and he covers his mouth, desperately trying to keep the rest inside. It’s no use, sob after sob torn from his throat, until he shakes from it, until he nearly loses his balance, leans against the shower wall. Eventually he turns, burying his face into his folded arms and letting the tears run. His husband is dying, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it, and in the meantime he barely even has a marriage.

[imekitty]

10 and 12 for the writer ask game? i'm vvv curious since you're one of my favorite authors <3

Thank you, that's so sweet! <3

10. Why do you continue writing fics?

This is very interesting phrasing lol. Well, I guess I should start by saying that I wrote my first Danny Phantom fanfiction in 2006 and was decently active in my writing throughout that year, then I very suddenly lost my courage (had a breakdown) and completely stopped writing or publishing anything in 2008. And then in 2017, I started writing and publishing again, and I haven't stopped since.

I continue writing fics now because it gives me a way to practice my writing and share it immediately with others, and I know others will actually read it because this fandom might not be as big as it used to be, but it's still amazingly strong. I also love exploring things about myself through my writing, my thoughts and feelings and aspirations and inspirations. I love being able to experiment in ways I never would in my original fiction. I continue writing for all the great interaction I get, all the people who reach out to me telling me they feel "guilty" for liking my fics and me telling them well, we can be guilty together, then.

I keep writing because I want to give Danny all the things I don't have but also I want to put him through so much pain so he can feel worse than I do.

Fanfiction is therapy for me in many ways. Gives me something to look forward to every day. Gives me a reason to keep living because I want so much to finish all of my fics and share them with everyone. It's maybe a meaningless contribution to the world in the grand scheme of it all, but it makes a few people happy, and that's enough for me right now.

-----

12. What is your favorite theme/subject matter/trope/ship to write about? Why?

I have many, but I will talk about the one that I am currently most popular for, which is the toxic relationship between Danny and Maddie. I just love mother/son bonds in general, like mama's boys, yes, sign me up, that's always so good lol. And I am just so very intrigued by how clearly Maddie favors Danny over Jazz in the show and how that foils her views toward Phantom. I especially love writing her being super affectionate with Phantom because even when she's a scientist, she's still a mother, and she loves being a mother even more than she loves being a scientist. But her passion for both do come into conflict sometimes, and that is just so much fun.

And of course, I do love the experimentation/vivisection trope, like I am just so thrilled with how perfect DP is for that. I really enjoy torture movies like the Saw series, and DP has the most amazing setup for its own unique brand of torture. And finding ways to describe that kind of torture is a challenge but rewarding. Because I never just want to gloss over it, no, I want to explain exactly how it feels, inside and out, physically and emotionally.

[friendlylocalwhumper]

Quinn has made a lot of mistakes in their life. Done cruel things, made decisions that would cost lives. Abandoned people to suffer. Pushed friends who were already close to the edge so they’d have a breakdown. Picked at difficult memories and stressors until someone innocent was a sobbing mess.

As they stare down into the drum of the washing machine to assess the carnage of the shredded teddy bear, Quinn grimly thinks that this is one of the worst things they’ve ever done.

The walk from the laundry room to the living room is a march to the gallows, slow and pensive. It wasn’t a good call to put that stuffed animal in the washing machine. It needed to be hand-washed - or better yet, left alone entirely. Maybe they were taking out some kind of revenge on its owner for needing something childish to cuddle up to for comfort. Maybe they were too focused on cleaning and completing tasks instead of considering the feelings and needs of another, as Quinn has been known to do.

They find Jo sitting on the couch, folded up small and napping upright. Even when there is no cage for them to cower in, Jo manages to keep themself small as if invisible metal grating is hugging their sides. They are a fragile weed daring stupidly to grow from a crack in the floor of a cold, haunted alley. There is contempt on the face of the magic user looking over them.

Until the sound of heavy beads clattering around in the washer echoes in their mind. They were tempted, upon first hearing the sound, to write off the loss of the teddy bear as meaningless. It’s expensive, as stuffed animals go, but wouldn’t be hard to replace. It was dirty, so washing it wasn’t a ridiculous idea. And all material things are arguably meaningless.

But Quinn knows that what matters isn’t the bear itself.

They sit slowly on the couch, watching as Jo wakes quickly. They sleep often, but wake instantly at any change in the room around them. Jo is a survivor who seems like they’ll never be convinced that it’s any safer out here than it was in their cage.

“Jo,” Quinn greets neutrally. Round green eyes brimming with uncertainty lock onto their face in search of danger.

“Quinn?” It’s hardly speech. More of a squeak. Someone cruel would smile at the sound, which is why Quinn nearly grimaces at it.

“I have something to tell you.”

The technically accurate but ominous sentence has Jo folding up smaller, hiding their hands between their thighs and their chest. “Okay.”

“Give me your hand.” Quinn pauses, then adds, “Please.”

“Yes-” Jo hurries to obey, their whole arm shaking. “But… why?”

“I’m just going to hold it. I have to tell you something that might make you sad, and you’ll handle it better if your hand is being held.”

They take the other’s frail hand. Jo’s hands are always cold. Quinn cups it carefully and looks right in their aggravatingly doe-like eyes.

“It’s about your stuffed bear.”

Jo jerks, their free hand suddenly patting at their side, along the crease of the couch. “He’s not here. Did he fall?”

“He didn’t fall.”

“Did I leave - leave him somewhere I wasn’t supposed to? I’m sorry, I can get him!”

“No, Jo. Look at me.” Verdant eyes that were scouring the room find somber brown ones. Quinn takes a steadying breath. “I… washed him for you.”

There is still anxiety in that face, but hope mixes in with it now. “Oh. Thank you. Is he dry yet? Can I - can I have him back, please?”

The hope is shallow, thin. Jo’s voice cracked on that tremulous question. Maybe they can read Quinn’s expression, their tone.

“No, you can’t.”

The hand that was patting around in search for the stuffed animal retreats. It looks at first like it’ll be pinned to their chest again for safety, but instead it’s pressed to their stomach. Jo’s countenance holds nothing short of devastation.

“Why?” It’s whispered, tempered. Quinn has never once seen Jo step out of line, never seen them react fully and freely.

“It… he’s damaged. I put him in the washer, and it… he’s… not in one piece anymore. I don’t think it can be fixed.”

Jo is locking themself down. Bottling up their pain and locking it away before they can be caught letting it spill out. Plump tears bead on their lashes, their bottom lip wobbling. There is no way to muster up frustration toward Jo right now as they process their grief. Quinn squeezes Jo’s hand gently.

“I am so sorry for your loss,” Whispers Quinn, and those big tears fall in thin tracks down freckled cheeks. Jo takes a shuddery breath, trying to remain quiet, but then their face screws up and they pull their hand out of Quinn’s to hide their face.

“You to-ook, took, took him away…” Wet sniffles and chest-deep sobs don’t evoke anything in Quinn except for a dense ache in their chest. No distaste, no urge to leave so Jo can be messy in private. “Took him away, and… and I’ll never see him again…”

It’s not about the teddy bear. The sobs spilling out of Jo are the wretched grief of someone who lost more than they could ever put to words.

“He didn’t have a name, I didn’t give him a name, please give… give him back, let me ha-ave him…”

“I can’t.” Quinn tries to lay a comforting hand on their shoulder, but Jo flinches back, hiding under their own slender limbs. “I… wish I could, Jo. I can get you a new one. For a little more money, you can get a heavier one, it’s supposed to help with the… with the grief.”

“I want him, I-I want him back, please give him back, Quinn, please!” A miserable hiccuping fit settles in to punctuate the sobs. “Gi-ive, give him, you can’t, he was mine, he was, I-I, I co-ould’ve been good, been a good…”

Regardless of Jo’s taut fear and progressive attempts to hide from touch right now, Quinn wraps them up in a hug. They squeeze and lean their weight until Jo feels grounded enough to sob openly, hidden under their own body and someone else’s.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Quinn repeats. “I know what happened. I’m sorry you lost him.”

Wetness reaches Quinn’s knee, soaked into their pants. They wonder how much you have to cry for tears to spread across a couch cushion like that. They wonder if anyone has ever cried as hard as Jo is right now.

“We’ll get you a new one. It won’t be the same, I know. Until you have it, though… when you need that weight, the contact, ask me for a hug. I’m not very… cuddly, I know. But I owe you for this. Tell me you’ll ask when you need it, Jo.”

“I, I… I will.”

It’s pure fear, despair. Obedience. Jo has barely started their recovery. Quinn can only hope that they can help when Jo does ask for it. They will pay whatever it takes to get a new weighted teddy bear delivered today. It may cost four times what the bear itself is priced at, but Jo needs it. They need it so badly.

It’s not about the bear, Quinn knows. But a teddy bear is the best that Jo is going to get.

[flowerbloom-arts]

A rather unneeded apology, don't you think?

Progress shots and thought process below the cut (warning, it gets heavy on pshycological analytical nonsense and spoilers for Exploits of Moominpappa/'s Memoirs, and it's really long):

Ah yes, Muddler angst, something that should be one too many yet you can't quite get enough of it-

So it all started with this little metaphor from this post I made a while back and I thought "Hmm... I should really make a follow-up for that!" so I did, and here it is.

This was originally gonna be a lineless painting but then when I started to do that I thought about how much of a drag it would be and scrapped that for my regular style but with cooler shading and coloring. I'm happy with it, it's been a while since I've done a full illustration and I'm proud that I managed to make this in like... (Checks timer on my drawing app) 2 hours and 25 minutes? Huh.

Anyway, this whole illustration is more or less just a metaphor going on in Muddler's head when he's cracked under stress, it's the "boat floating on your own personal ocean" metaphor like the post I linked above, it is indeed a constantly raging sea of stress and change and mental/lifestyle instability that's going on in Muddler's head and he's on a houseboat floating on it trying to balance and protect itself from the tides. It's always rocking back and forth but it's been doing that all the time for so long that it barely registers for him anymore, so he's living in this unnerving calm where the calm is not serenity perse but a lack of terror, yet, sometimes that raging sea manages to break through a window or two and flood the place as a good reminder that he isn't immune, he can and will drown for as long as things are like this.

The sea isn't a place of good memories for Muddler in either version of the book, like, the sea is so big that it's general emptiness on the horizon tickles his eyes. Before that he painted the boat red and got it all over himself and then painted his tin with the leftover paint, needless to say he had a rather traumatic night where the paint never dried and it got all over his food and bed and whiskers which drove him insane (or plume crazy I should say). He also had a rough time in his tin while packing for the riverboat and being swept away by the flood caused by Edward the Booble, he said his nerves (and his button collection) were all unsorted after the rest of the crew managed to get the tin on board. Then other stuff happens- an awful Hemulen Aunt boarding the ship (he literally wished death upon her, a rather extreme gesture especially for Muddler), the Hemulen Aunt being taken away by the Niblings (and the ensuing guilt he felt when he felt that it was his fault since he wished for her to be eaten), a rough and sticky night, being the first to realise the boat was setting off to sea unintentionally in the middle of the night, having to sit through a gale in which he got very sick- and that's just stuff that happened on the boat! He also had to suffer the likes of the revenge of the forgotten bones! The Ghost painted Muddler's tin and he cried about it, thinking it's a warning sign that he'll never marry! And he's the only one who was legitimately terrified of the Ghost, imagine being one of like, a 4 person friend group and being the only one scared of a real scary thing that directly affected you in one of the worst ways possible- vandalism of your own home. And don't even get me started on the fact that he lost his parents during spring cleaning and still believes they're alive.

With that being said, I believe we all understand that Muddler has been through alot, he had a revelation that adventures cause nothing but trouble for the poor guy in the middle of the book. And seeing how he cried at the idea of never getting married, we can presume he just wants a normal life after that. Thankfully, Fuzzy provided that through marriage and kids, even though they lost one of them by accident.

Now with this in mind, I have implemented a few elements from the book into the illustration. I've also followed some color-coding rules I've made up for myself;

Blue=Safety and comfort (Hodgkins is his uncle and is canonically blue-colored for the most part, not to mention that his Maxwell House Coffee tin is blue aswell, both are sources of safety for Muddler)

Green=Protection (Joxter is usually depicted in a green dress/hat, he stood up for Muddler atleast twice in the book and we can presume these weren't the only times he does it. Joxter is rather confident in his abilities despite being lazy and Muddler would rather admire that)

Yellow=Achievement/accomplishment (nothing much here, just uhh... Gold is yellow-ish and gold usually means you've accomplished something)

Red=Stress/general negativity (This is mostly coming from the red paint incident)

I've also added some small references and details. I've avoided using the ruler tool on my lineart to give it less solid feel to the backround and everything, showing how it's not supposed to be a full representation of reality, the pictures being faceless also adds to that. I drew an interpretation of the Muddler and Fuzzy wedding photo found in the moomin theme park, the gold medal on Hodgkins' portrait says "you helped" and it's supposed to be the medal that Hodgkins said Muddler deserved for helping him figure out the propeller (accidentally) in the Exploits version and I like to think he has that thought always in the back of his mind as one of the few times he's felt genuinely useful since he got so happy from it. Oh! And the picture almost completely hidden by the curtains is a portrait of his father and that's Joxter at the bottom looking like he's peeking over the curtain when really he's not. The curtains are green because they protect him from the red outside world, the suit and yellow dead flowers being darkly colored are supposed to represent a sense of meaninglessness or general distain, the red liquid is supposed to be red paint, not blood aaaaaaand the window is a slight shade of blue with a screen overlay.

"Apologies for being weak-minded" is supposed to be a rather insincere but tired quote from Muddler, he doesn't really want to apologise for cracking under pressure and having a literal breakdown but he feels like he has to because I think he just feels like a nuisance alot of the time and being so negatively emotional just makes things worse, so he has to come up with an apology rather than tell the person he's talking to the reason why he broke down, and belittling his own feelings by calling himself weak-minded. He knows himself to be "too" sensitive.

Anyway, that was too long a ramble. Just know that I'm not trying to take myself too seriously here, it's a silly amount of thought put into this but eh, I enjoyed it, and I thought you might want to read about it and if you made this far; thank you.

[missmarthanightingale]

so i’m rewatching s11 bc i wanted to figure out some stuff about ryan, but then i got distracted by my obsession with jodie’s doctor, so here are some Thoughts about how & why she doesn’t discuss her past over the course of the first four episodes.

in twwfte, she comes crashing through the train roof an amnesiac.  she remembers some things, but very little about herself - not even her name!  but she’s also very open at the start, cheerfully sharing whatever information she does have, even talking in some depth about what regeneration feels like which has literally Never Happened.  she’s not hiding at all.  at some point in the leadup to the confrontation with t’zim-sha on the crane, she remembers exactly who she is, & doesn’t shy away from it.  she is utterly herself in that moment.

but then grace dies.

grace dying, the doctor remembering, & the immediate crisis ending all happen more or less simultaneously, which makes it a bit tricky to analyze what went down.  the doctor was pretty open about sharing stuff before regaining her memories, but that was very much on her terms; by the time things have calmed down enough for people to be asking her questions, circumstances have changed.  but here’s what i think happened.

the doctor was still fucked up about bill & missy when they regenerated, but tuat had set them on the path towards healing.  she immediately encounters grace, who is brave & brilliant & who takes care of her, more than the others do, & who is kind of enjoying this adventure, quite visibly.  throughout the episode, the doctor is open, enthusiastic & largely optimistic.  she’s like this right up until grace dies the same night they met, doing exactly the brave, reckless sort of thing that one would expect the doctor’s companions to do.

after her confrontation with t’zim-sha, the next shot of the doctor is when she finds the others gathered around grace’s body, with ryan breaking down while graham tries to hold him, looking up at the doctor with a heart-wrenching expression on his face; not blame, not at all, but shock & grief which she can’t help but respond to.  this is an awful reminder of what happened with bill, & now the person she connected with most over the episode is gone.  this is the point where ryan, graham, & by automatic extension yaz, stop being her allies & relative equals.  they’re something she’s Responsible for, instead, & not in the sense that companions are.

by the time they start asking questions, she’s about ready to move on.  she has no intention on seeing these people again; she likes them well enough, but as far as she’s concerned they’re a temporary presence in her life.  if she was going to invite anyone along, it would have started with grace, & it died with grace, because i don’t think she’d ever have chosen to travel with people who’d lost something because of her.  why burden these temporary strangers with the weight & complexity of The Doctor, especially when she doesn’t really want to get into it anyway?  she’s leaving soon, so what would be the point.

& then, of course, she goes & takes them with her.

the number one goal in ghost monument is to get to the tardis & get her accidental kidnappees home.  that is explicitly what the doctor wants to accomplish in this episode.  they are even more her Responsibility than they were before, they are not there on purpose or by choice, they are still temporary presences.  so she doesn’t share, beyond the fairly meaningless anecdotes the doctor constantly throws out to perfect strangers, & she maintains an aggressively cheerful demeanour.  she’s treating them not as her companions but as Plucky Civilians Of The Week, because as far as she’s concerned that’s what they are.  of course they’re more than that, her minor breakdown & the emotional support they provide at the end is proof enough, not to mention she’s already coaching them in Appropriate Tactics for Associates Of The Doctor, but she is not ready to accept that yet, especially in the aftermath of grace & bill dying.

which is probably why the tardis then refuses to bring them home!

they end up in, what, 14 other places before landing in rosa?  the tardis is definitely doing that on purpose, forcing the doctor to grow attached to these people whether she likes it or not, & encouraging them to grow attached to her in turn.  it’s clearly working, since this episode involves her trusting them enough to send them off on their own, but she’s still in denial here, telling them that she needs to handle something here & they’re welcome to wait in the tardis while she does it.  this is really a ‘let me run a quick errand on the way’ scenario.  she still fully intends to take them home & leave them there, even if she might be starting to regret the necessity.

& it all culminate in arachnids, where she gets them home.  the tardis’ plan has worked, with both sides extremely hesitant to let that be the end of things.  yaz invites her for tea & she literally cannot say yes fast enough.  they get tugged on the sleeve by a mystery & none of them can stop themselves from diving headlong into it.  but still she can’t ask them to come with her, instead resigning herself to travelling alone.  they have to ask her, & before she accepts she gives them a warning.

that’s the closest she comes to telling them about herself.  warning them that she might not be able to keep them safe, implying that she’s failed to protect others like she failed to protect grace.  did they hear her?  maybe.

but it took so long to decide that they were going to stay.  they’ve already settled into their dynamic, & the doctor doesn’t want to damage that.  she likes the dynamic they have going, she definitely doesn’t want to rock the boat with difficult revelations at this stage, when she’s so suddenly been saved from the prospect of travelling alone.  at this point it’s just easier to keep the charade going, which she’ll keep up for the rest of the season, trying all at once to escape her past & keep from scaring her friends & avoid complicated questions which might end up with her all alone.

anyway, since this is clearly going to be a theme in s12, i thought it might be a nice time to look back at how it started!

[more-pokeimagines]

Hello, can i request a drabble of angst? Can i get Hop and s/o having a big fight the day before s/o's final, and Hop says something very hurtful like: "I wish i would have never met you, i would have been in the finals and be the champion" and s/o is just like, having a silent mental breakdown. Then, the next day, s/o just disapeared into thin air, no trace of her, everyone looking for her, but nothing.. And here's Hop, all alone,regretting everything he said and wishing they would come back.

This was a great request, thank you! Hope you have fun reading. 

Mistakes – Hop x reader (angst)

Today could have been the most exciting day in your life. A few days ago you actually finished your Gym Challenge and now you finally had the chance to challenge the current champ, Leon. You had dreamed about that battle for months, always trying to imagine how it would feel to be just one step away from maybe becoming the champ yourself. The final battle was scheduled for tomorrow but you were already a nervous wreck. Your hands were shaking, your heart was racing and every attempt to calm yourself down failed miserably.

From the windows of your hotel room, you could easily spot the arena in the distance. Usually you would have been happy about the view but today it only made you more nervous.

With a sigh you turned away from the window and continued pacing around the room. There was no way that you’d be able to sit down and relax right now. “What if I lose and make an absolute fool of myself? I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of so many people.”

Your boyfriend Hop who was lounging around on the bed didn’t look up from the magazine in front of him. “You won’t lose,” he said. You sighed again. “How can you be so sure about that? Your brother is an incredible trainer!”

“Because you had no difficulties with beating me and I’m an incredible trainer too.”You stopped your pacing and turned around, so that you could face him. He had a smile on his face but you could see that it was fake. And there had definitely been an annoyed undertone in his voice. You knew that he hated it when you worried too much but somehow, you also knew that this wasn’t the only reason for his bad mood. For a second you wondered if he was still upset because he lost against you and had to be knocked out from the competition as a result.

You had started your Gym Challenge together and since the day you both got your first badge, there had been a playful rivalry between the two of you but it never even occurred to you that Hop took that a lot more serious than you always assumed.

“Really?” you asked. “You’re still upset because you lost? It’s really not that big of a deal, Hop. I mean… you can challenge your brother anytime you want, can’t you?”

Hop fiddled with the pages of the magazine for a bit before finally lifting his head to look at you. He took a deep breath. “That’s not the same.”

“Why not?”

“Because he might not be the champ anymore when your battle is over!” Hop exclaimed. “Don’t you understand that I always wanted to contend for the title with my brother? But because of you all of that is meaningless now!”

For a moment you could only stare at him. When he put it that way it almost sounded like you ruined his whole life just because he had lost a battle against you. It was absolutely ridiculous! It wasn’t your fault that he misjudged the situation and therefore failed to beat you.

“Are you serious?” you asked, your voice shaking just the tiniest bit. You could already feel tears welling up in your eyes and blinked. “It’s still about that battle? It wasn’t my intention to ruin your perfect plan, I’m sorry that you think it was.”

“You knew how much I wanted to be in the final!”

“And you know that I never lose on purpose! Come on, it’s not like the world is going to end just because you can’t challenge Leon in the final.”

You still couldn’t believe it. Hop was acting like a child and while you could understand that he was upset because he had always dreamed of being in the finals, you had no idea why he couldn’t get over it and just be happy for you instead – especially since he had promised you that he would always support you, no matter what, when the two of you started your Gym Challenge.

Hop let out an angry snort. “You don’t understand anything! It was my idea to do the challenge together and now look what that did for me! Damn it, (Y/N), I wish I had never met you. I would have been in the final if it wasn’t for you!”

He regretted the words as soon as they were out but now it was too late to take them back. The room was deadly silent as the two of you stared at each other. Hop could see the pain on your face, the tears that glittered in your eyes. “(Y/N), I…”

“No,” you interrupted him. You didn’t want to hear his excuses, not after he just offended your feelings in the worst way possible. Then, before he had the chance to say something to make it right again, you turned around and stormed out of the room. When the door clicked shut behind you, Hop realized that just he had made the worst mistake in his life.

*

You didn’t show up for the scheduled battle. After Hop had spent the whole morning looking for you he had silently hoped that he would have the chance to talk to you and apologize after your battle with Leon but when he arrived at the arena and his brother told him that he hadn’t seen you yet, Hop felt even worse than before. He knew that it was his fault that you had disappeared. If he only could turn back time…

He had said horrible things. And it wasn’t even true; meeting you was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he still was head over heels in love with you. Yes, he had been upset because he lost against you but putting the blame on you had been incredibly unfair. Why didn’t he think his words over before spitting them out? He never meant to hurt you but now it was too late. The damage was done, you had left him and all he could do was hoping that you’d come back.

Sitting around and waiting for you without even knowing if you were really planning on coming back was the most horrible thing Hop had ever experienced. He was worried beyond measure, wondering non-stop if something had happened to you because he was absolutely sure that you would never miss your battle. Or did his words really make you withdraw from the competition?

Just the mere thought made him feel even more guilty. He never wanted to ruin your Gym Challenge, especially not your battle with Leon but yesterday he had been so overcome with anger that he didn’t care if his words hurt you. Still, it had been a horrible mistake to vent his frustration on you.

Hop flinched when someone put his hand on his shoulder. When he gazed up, he saw his brother Leon looking down at him, an encouraging expression on his face. “Don’t worry,” he said and softly squeezed Hop’s shoulder. “(Y/N)’s gonna come back.”

Hop could only hope that Leon would be proved right. 

[dawniebb]

Thoughts about Renegades

ALRIGHT FOLKS, TAKE A SEAT BC I’M ABOUT TO KICK MYSELF OUT OF THIS FANDOM :’)

Not really

But I’m going to rant for a while so perhaps you can go grab a snack or something :’)

So…I LOVE Renegades and I always will but I’ve been thinking about some of the things that seem…off to me. Not that they’re a big deal ofc (because I love Renegades in a really dumb and blind way) but some of them are quite unpopular opinions among the fandom, so I’m finally going to share them in case someone out there feels the same way X’DDDDD

They’re not in any particular order. Here we go:

- I completely stan the idea of Nova and Oscar and Nova and Callum being brotp material, but I stan Nova and Callum way more, not because I don’t like Nova and Oscar, but because I think it was genuinely good (and healthy) for Nova to have a friend out of Adrian’s circle. I mean, she’s been isolated most of her life now, and when I realized she finally had someone of her own… like, a person she met with whom she connected without Adrian introducing them to her, was a HUGE step. Callum is one of my favorite characters in the whole series, and when the t h i n g  happened I was devastated for MYSELF *sobs* but also because MM took him away from Nova. She opened to him more than she ever opened to Oscar throughout the three books. Sorry not sorry :’).

- AS A YOUNG ADULT (I’LL BE 20 IN MAY, YOU GUYS) let me tell you that all these dumbasses act like completely normal teenagers and all their shitty decisions sound like something I would’ve done when I was their age. Actually, the Team Sketch really reminds me of my own circle of friends. I’ve seen you guys complain about Adrian acting extremely dumb for his age but GUYS HE’S FUCKING 17. WHEN I WAS 17 I WAS AS CLUELESS AS HIM. ALL MY FRIENDS WERE. AND IT WAS SO STUPID IT HURT BUT SHIT BE LIKE THAT SOMETIMES. I was the Nova among them. That is: I joined their group hella late and one of the guys became my crush. I was so dumb I told him he was my crush when I was defeated on the floor with a dislocated knee because I was having a breakdown and I legit thought I was D Y I N G. Teenagers.Are.Like.That.

- HOWEVER, EVEN IF I JUST SAID ALL OF THAT….And I want to believe all of you agree with me: I don’t justify Oscar. It’s okay being a dumb teenager, but you can’t just ask your crush to be your girlfriend during a PUBLIC EXECUTION. That wasn’t romantic. At all. If I were Ruby I would’ve been really offended, no joke. (AT LEAST WHEN I TOLD *MY* CRUSH WHILE I THOUGHT MY LEG WAS GOING TO BE AMPUTATED, WE WERE IN CHORUS CLASS. ALL THE GUYS WERE SINGING TO ME BC THEY THOUGHT THAT WOULD CALM ME DOWN. IT WAS A GROSS AND ODDLY SWEET MOMENT, YOU KNOW?).

- I feel like Ruby is…I’m not going to say mistreated, but…Idk. I feel like she’s trying her best and she’s kind to everyone in the group and in some parts of the books they just…forget about her :’). (This may be Marissa’s fault, though). Which makes me really sad, because she’s genuinely sweet and I felt like she was the most welcoming to Nova since the very beginning (Apart from Adrian, of course).

- I’m part of the “Leroy switched sides at some point” squad, but at the same time I believe he’s just very, VERY chaotic neutral and (I’m never giving up on this) since he loved Nova, he would just stick to the side where they promised to keep her safe, even if that meant being jumping back and forth between the Renegades and the Anarchists.

- I ALSO BELIEVE WINSTON MAH BOI SAW A LOT OF HIMSELF IN NOVA. To my particular point of view, his mental state was the most stable when she moved with them. He unconsciously tried to stop her from becoming what he’d become and the Anarchists realized that, so when they found Ace’s little human weapon being threatened, they just teared her away from Winston, which caused his mental health to go downhill again until he ended up all psychotic (which is how we got to meet him during Renegades).

- Honey had way more complicated issues than just being “evil”. Yes. She’s dead. And me defending her won’t make her less dead. And I know she got what she deserved because she was…completely out of control and Marissa tends to kill those who are too far gone (take Levana as an example). But I think that if she hadn’t neglected her own mental health so much she would’ve had a chance; Honey had good in her :’) maybe, before meeting Ace, she was a different person. Like, it’s mentioned she grew up in a small farm. I think she fell in love with him at some point and, by the way he talks to her sometimes, I’m *almost* sure he knew that, so he tried to take advantage of the situation to keep her in line, even though he had no intention to reciprocate her feelings. Sure, Honey is a manipulative brat, but she’s a hundred times worse when she knows Ace is around or when she knows she has a chance to get him back (she goes batshit crazy in the cathedral, you know?). Ace was a power-hungry sociopath/psychopath and she was a depressed, also power-hungry woman who was in love with him. And that’s a BAD combination. Honey Harper was hopeless… and I think she even showed some signs of Stockholm Syndrome.

- Still, Honey and Nova’s relationship reminds me a lot of my relationship with my dad. Theirs was a toxic relationship, but since I’ve been through that (still going through that), I refuse to believe it will be easy for Nova to overcome her death *that* easily. They loved each other in a…violent, weird way, but Honey was Nova’s mother more than Tala ever got the chance to be (because Ace took that opportunity away from her) and if Honey hadn’t been so –like I mentioned before- hopeless, they could’ve fixed their relationship until it was normal and healthy, because Honey showed signs of loving Nova, and Nova showed signs of loving her.

- Every death in Supernova had a very specific narrative purpose but, even if I hate Evander as much as y’all do, I think his death was done for the sake of the shock factor afgshja like, he died in such a sudden, meaningless way :’).

- Tamaya is nothing but wasted potential. You have a savage, feral, badass woman with w i n g s and the only thing she does is getting her fucking face burned and throwing fists with entitled teenagers.

- I LIVE for Simon and Hugh as couple, but (gosh, saying this makes me feel really guilty) the fact that they didn’t share not even ONE kiss throughout the trilogy made me feel really queerbaited :’). Same thing happened with Danna and Narcissa, but I think that was PLAIN half-assed.

-Why doesn’t Adrian has Simon’s last name as well? :’)

- ADRIAN NEEDS THERAPY AS MUCH AS NOVA DOES. LET’S BREAK THIS DOWN, HERE WE GO:

*So, we know that Marissa Meyer’s male characters are always really sweet and kind and wholesome and omg :’)…and then there’s fucking Jacin (whom I love, but that doesn’t minimize the fact he shall burn in hell X’DDDD) . I mean, he’s kind…to Winter and Winter only…and Cress…sometimes. When it comes to Winter, he’s capable of a lot, A LOT of things. He comes off as rude many times (especially to Cinder, during Cress) and…yeah. He looks like he could kill you and he could ACTUALLY kill you; I feel like the fandom moves Adrian to …whatever category Kai’s in….but I’m not sure that’s the case. Let’s analyze Cinder’s equivalent to Nova’s bracelet: Peony’s chip; Kai was mad at Cinder, FUCKING mad. But once he kinda figured out Cinder was grieving his sister and keeping the only thing she had left from her for emotional reasons, he didn’t, under any circumstance, no matter how much he hated Cinder at the moment, want that chip to be taken away from her. Kai had lost his father. He KNEW what it felt like and he didn’t want anyone to feel the same way, because he SAW Cinder suffer her little sister’s death. Adrian had lost his mother and he knew Nova had lost both her mother and her father AND her little sister; she had opened up enough to tell him that bracelet was the only thing she had left from her father…and when he learned Nova was Nightmare, instead of interrogating her, taking a sample of her blood or things like that, he straight took her bracelet. Because Adrian was hurt and he wanted her to be hurt too, so he took away the one thing that mattered the most to her and THAT WASN’T VERY KAI OF HIM IF YOU ASK ME. My point is, sadly: Adrian is ABSOLUTELY traumatized due to his mother’s death (who wouldn’t?) and now that he knows he indirectly killed her he will only get WORSE. He hated Nova for being Nightmare just because he thought she had something to do with Georgia’s death, so when things went to shit, he did her in the dirtiest way he could, making her feel hated and unwanted, which were Nova’s delicate spots afgshja…like, Adrian’s capable of a lot of things(just like Jacin). He NEEDS therapy. Now.

- The heated kiss scene during Archenemies is both heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time (besides…you know, heated). Nova’s so touch-starved she gets overwhelmed when Adrian suddenly gives her all the physical affection she didn’t have during her childhood. And…I feel it was a very intimate moment between both of them, because they were physically and emotionally invested and omg. This only makes my previous point (about the bracelet) more horrible, because I can’t imagine how she must’ve felt when he took away her bracelet with so.much.hatred.

-WE DESERVED TO KNOW THE CHANGES THAT WERE MADE TO THE SYSTEM BC TBH THE RENEGADES SYSTEM WAS SHITTY AF… It’s like…they claimed to be against what the Anarchists did but then suddenly they were doing the same things themselves. And I don’t think that’s fair. The Renegades acted as messed up as the Anarchists during Supernova. They wanted to EXECUTE a MINOR who committed MINOR CRIMES. I mean, what did Nightmare even do? Right, she tried to assassinate Hugh but she FAILED, and she neutralized Team Frostbite in SELF-DEFENSE and in Max’s defense.

- Besides, the way Anarchists were treated was...really inhuman. As far as I understand, they didn’t have access to public services or anything like that. What if they needed meds? Where did they get their food from? Did they have, like, fucking running water? Electricity? There are also three women among them and they get *periods*, people, and *period stuff* is expensive as fuck. Like, did they have to steal tampons? And if they did…were they chased because of it? Even though they had no way to get income in a legal way because they were Anarchists and being out there like normal people was against the rules for them? Lol?

- JESUS THAT SYSTEM REALLY NEEDED TO BE CHANGED LMAO AFGSHJA

-Also, Cragmoor? Wtf.

- AND, LAST BUT NOT LEAST, NOT BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT BECAUSE THIS IS TOO LONG ALREADY: It think Nova and Evie have been apart for too long and it’s going to be hard for them to create a bond. They’ll have to get used to it, because it’s going to be confusing for Nova and, given the fact Evie’s personality is…like that, I think she’ll go as far to blame Nova like “But you were SUPPOSED to look for me.”

I rest my case.

[judgmentofcorruption]

Episode 10–The Court Ends; Scene 8

Judgment of Corruption, pages 316-322

--At some point, the mansion had started to burn.

The militia had set fire to it in revenge for their friends burning from those inexplicable flames.

Gallerian took the doll back with him to the study.

There was nowhere left to run.

Whether he jumped outside or remained in here, he didn’t have much longer to live.

“Michelle, I’m—I’m so sorry you got caught up in this,” Gallerian said to the doll.

“—It’s alright. At least I’m with you, Papa.”

Now that he had lost his contract with Adam, Gallerian couldn’t hear that doll’s reply.

Even so, he continued to speak to her. “Still. I am a little bit glad. …As long as I can be here with you, I don’t even fear death.”

“I feel the same, Papa.”

“I wonder, if I had been able to restore you—or if you had been able to grow up without being caught up in that incident--what would you have become…”

“I would have become a judge like you, Papa! And I would have married someone I liked—and had a child.”

“Even if I die now and fall to hell—It won’t be an issue. I have plenty of money. And ‘money is the best lawyer in hell’. And if I have money, I can collect the ‘Vessels of Deadly Sin’, even down there. When I do, I will come to get you. As long as we’re together—No matter where we are, it will be a Utopia, I know it.”

“Yeah!”

As for what would happen to Gallerian after his death—depending on the “Master of the Hellish Yard’s” judgment, he may very well go to hell just as he said.

To contract with a Vessel of Deadly Sin was a grave crime. Even if what was inside of it wasn’t a demon.

And he had committed many other sins besides. He had sacrificed a great many people for the sake of his own happiness, so I was certain that would not be forgiven.

Even if those deeds were done out of one’s own purity, that was still, in the end—greed, Gallerian.

.

There were reasons why Elluka—or rather, Ma, birthed Gallerian.

One of them was so that he would collect the Vessels of Deadly Sin by making him contract with Adam.

But that was ultimately just a bonus to her.

It was something she could have done even without Gallerian.

She simply wished to become pure.

Perhaps to Ma, Gallerian was nothing more than a process by which she could do so.

Ma. Her nickname. There were several meanings to that word.

Sorceress, Mem Aleph (meaning water and beginning), and—mother.

.

The flames steadily began to enclose the house.

Eventually—from this burned out mansion they would find.

The corpse of a solitary “parent”.

.

If I stick around, even I’ll get caught up in the flames.

I’m just a normal bat, so I don’t do well against fire.

I’ve “observed” Gallerian’s life up until now—but that ends today.

I once more set out to fly up to the moon—

“Wait a second.”

.

Gallerian called out to someone.

It wasn’t to the doll. It was to someone else—

.

Yes…he was talking to me.

.

Gallerian’s hand swiftly shot out.

And before I had a chance to flee—he had seized me fast.

“I want to talk to you in the end, before I die,” he said with a grin.

Ridiculous.

There’s no way…that Gallerian could have noticed me.

No one noticed me.

Even if they did, they were supposed to think of me as merely a normal bat.

That—was one of the Rules of the world.

“You’ve always been flying around me. I don’t know when you started—maybe you’ve always been there, from the moment I was born. Weirdly enough, no one outside of me ever seems to notice you there. So eventually I just resolved not to pay you any mind.”

…But if the “Rules of the world” were breaking down?

In other words, these bizarre changes in the world—their manifestation was something brought on by the breakdown of the Rules.

So it wasn’t out of the question for a forest to rapidly dry up, and there was no helping a tiger being born to a human family. Maybe there was even a pattern of humans being born to snakes. Dead soldiers ran amok without any connection to the Demon of Gluttony, nights would be abnormally short or unusually long—

So—

.

There was nothing strange at all about a human appearing who could converse with a “god”

.

“—Yes. I have been observing you this whole time,” I replied honestly.

He seemed able to hear what I was saying.

This wasn’t Adam’s power. That contract had already been severed.

“There are countless people in the world. Why did you choose me?”

“Because you were Elluka’s son. She had impurities mixed up into her will. Including a fragment of the consciousness of a ‘god’ that’s a colleague of mine. That’s why I was interested in you.”

“I see. Then that would mean that you yourself are a ‘god’, or something like it.”

“You’re accepting this quite readily.”

“It’s a bit late to wonder at that now. Until this point I’ve been fairly involved with demons like ‘Adam’ and other strange beings. Even Ma—That’s right, while you’re here there is something I’d like you to tell me.”

“No. I can’t get involved with humans. So I can’t answer any questions outside of the ones that pertain to me.”

And yet, Gallerian asked anyway. “What’s this secret Adam mentioned, the one Ma and Bruno hid from me? Surely you must know, don’t you?”

“…I can’t. It’s a Rule.”

“I’m dying soon. Surely my hearing it won’t have any impact on the world this late in the game?”

“…You would gain nothing from hearing it; it would be meaningless to you.”

“Then isn’t that all the more justification for it? If it won’t mean anything, then there’s no reason not to tell me.”

“…”

Perhaps I had spent a little too long observing him.

Or, perhaps I simply couldn’t deny that I may have had something close to this “compassion” that humans had, when it came to Gallerian.

Well, alright…

.

I granted him one piece of knowledge.

.

“…”

Gallerian was dumbstruck.

“Didn’t I tell you? It gains you nothing.”

Once I realized that the strength had left his hand, I slipped out of his grip and flew away.

.

Then I made it out the window and headed for the distant sky.

--Midway there I looked down to the ground, and spied a figure about to head into the burning mansion.

.

And on seeing that, I deeply regretted having shared that information with him.

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[tokoyamisstuff]

A Thousand Years Ch. 1: “First Meeting” - Loki x Reader

Chapter Summary: Loki spends his sentence in Asgardian prison with nothing else to do than thinking about his wrongdoings. All of this guilt and self-loathing are leading him even deeper into his own insanity. And the only distraction are his memories of you.

Warnings: Angst, depression, flashbacks, mentions of death. Loki suffers.

Words: 4657

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“No matter what, I’ll always find my way back to you, Loki…”

It has always been the same dream, ever since he’s lost you in midst of his crimes. The beginning would be like a wondrous theathre, like how one would imagine heaven to be. You’d be waiting for him on the hill of your first meeting, looking as breathtaking as always. But when the sky darkened, he remebered what that all was about, and that it couldn't last.

When you’d turn around, he wouldn’t see any hint of aversion towards him - only those bright, loving doe eyes, which have been the only thing in the universe that made his icy heart feel some kind of warmth.

And this fact only made it harder for him: Why weren’t you mad? You should’ve been furious at him! You, the only person who would always believe in the God of Mischiev - disappointed in the cruelest way possible, his blood metaphorically spoken at his hands. “I love you, Loki. I was disappointed, indeed... But no matter how much I tried to hate you, I just can’t. You’re the love of my life, and I forgive you...I already forgave you the moment my heart stopped beating.” He felt tears running down his cheeks, falling down onto the grass in form of small ice drops. “Y/N, I am so deeply sorry! I-” he wanted to finish his sentence, try to explain himself and make you believe just how much he regrets his actions - but his throat felt like it was tied with barbwire. All he could do was running towards you, fighting his inner urge to just collapse into a mental breakdown. He was almost there, stretching out his arm to take your hand, to pull you right into his arms where you belonged. The Laufeyson didn't even realize that his hand had turned in a shade of dark blue, revealing his true form - a part of him only you were allowed to see. But you just disappeared, dissolving into what appeared to be embers, whispering that sentence as if you were standing right next to him: “I’ll find you. You just wait...don’t give up.”

Loki woke up, his breath heavy and face wet from the tears. Immediately, he sat up and looked around all the broken furniture just to pick up a piece of broken mirror, dirtied by his own blood when he broke it. The image he saw in it looked like the mess he was on the inside. It has been two weeks since Frigga found her death to the hand of a Dark Elf, the only person that kept the fragments of his soul together since your death - until now.

The God of Mischief had nothing anymore. He wouldn’t eat or drink since then, and the nightmares kept him from having a long needed, refreshing sleep as well. Every time he closed his eyes, he’d see either you or his mother - except for Thor the only people he ever cared about - die in the most excruciating ways one could think of. His desperation spiraled down to the point where he couldn’t even tell what was real, and what simply a delusion, made up by his own mind to torture him.

He never learned, didn’t he...Yes, indeed, he’s hopeless.

What horrendrous things did he say to you just before you died - and the same thing now happened to his mother.

Deep down in his heart he was very relieved that Thor had survived the war with the dark elves through his help - not that he’d ever admit it. And still, even though he did things one could call heroic, he got imprisoned here again. His father didn’t show any mercy, - and even though Loki could’ve easily fake his death and escape back then, he didn’t see the point in doing so.

All of his dreams: Being his brothers equal, erasing the Frost Giants from the nine realms, his birthright of ruling and finally earning respect...Nothing of it mattered any more.

Finally, he got to see what’s really important - but it’s too late now. Forever.

Loki would be doomed to cry and scream while having all of his mistakes played in his head in a continuous loop, seeing the haunting look of sadness and fear in your eyes and knowing he caused it.

Yes, this would be the only thing left of his meaningless existence.

“It is a fitting punishment, don’t you think, Y/N?” he almost chuckled, giving an empty stare to the prison ceiling. “This is more agony than Thanos could’ve ever brought upon me.”

The guard that was sitting on a wooden chair in front of his cell was raising a judging eyebrow to the once so intelligent and graceful prince, now looking like a peasant and talking to himself.

Oh, how must he have failed you...This sure was a rightful penalty for a traitor and murderer just like he was, Loki concluded.

The emptiness in his heart was eating him alive, telling him you’re still gone.

It has always been just a feeling, honestly.

After so many time spent together, fighting back to back - loving each other, as well as having lost you before, he just knows it. When you’re back, needing him to remember you of who you truly are. He would know.

Loki couldn’t explain it himself. It seemed like a magical bond, yet he never found anything like this in the old books. Maybe Frigga knew the answer, yet he had always been too afraid to ask...

“You sure are leaving me waiting, Y/N...” Loki whispered to himself, feeling that constricting in his chest again as tears filled his already red and swollen eyes. “Are you really coming back? Or are you just mocking me?”

It didn’t matter.

Even though he knew he didn’t deserve it, his hope of you coming back to life were the only thing that kept him going.

If you were to never come back, he’d accept this fate and would pay for and regret his crimes till the end of his existence. On the other hand, if you’d be to ever come back, he would never allow himself to come near you again. 

Anyway, death wasn’t an option.

“Have you already gone mad, Laufeyson?!” the guard finally yelled, kicking against the wall. “Whining and speaking scatterbrained words to yourself. You’re a disgrace, you’ve always been!”

Loki went silent, without doing so much as looking at the man, who in the past would’ve never dared to speak his mind. He didn’t care what he’d say - he was right with everything, anyway.

“If you’d ask anyone else in Asgard, you would’ve simply been executed! It’s such a waste that you’re allowed to live in all that luxury, thinking of what you’ve done!” he added, spitting to the ground. Seemed like the man Loki knew all those years finally showed his true face, considering he wouldn’t get punished for it anymore. “You’ve never been one of us, not even a god! You’re a wild animal and the Allfather should’ve never brought such a plaque like you over us!”

His voice had a tone of disgust that Loki knew all to well, even back as a kid when he was silently listening from the shadows to people talking about him.

He didn’t know why he never belonged. It was a feeling that he kept in his heart for so long that he thought it was a part of him - and when he realized just what he was, a part inside of him got shattered beyond repair.

The God of Mischief - he acted like he was carrying this title with pride, always acting all high and mighty. But it was just a facade.

All of his life, he just tried to be praised, loved - to fit in. Be the perfect son and brother everyone wanted. Yet that wasn’t him, and he got used to everyone seeing him as a disappointment. Trying to please, but always being seen as a disgrace - just for being himself.

There was something wrong with him from the very start, even before he got torn between his two heritages, he knew that much. Well, he found his way to get attention anyway - if not positive, he’ll take the negative one. Pranks, lies, being seen as a troublemaker.

He’d tell himself that he didn’t need anyone but himself, that one day they’ll realize their own hypocrisy and admire him for not leading an empty life as they do, restrained by rules and laws.

But this fragile walls he built around him were also lies. Lies he told himself to protect that sensitive boy that needed appreciation as desperately as breathing.

And you saw through all of his illusions from the very start.

The guard finally ended his rant, giving up on having a conversation with the fallen god. When he got back to his seat, Loki could finally and without distractions concentrate of the more important things.

It wasn’t that he’s gone fully mad - well, not more than usually. The memory of happier times were the only thing that kept him sane.

So he lied on the bare floor, closing his eyes again and concentrating all of his senses just to remember your scent, voice, touch...

____

Your first meeting dates almost 800 years ago, when both of you would probably be considered teenagers - calculated in god years, of course.

Almost as if it was fate, even though both of you never knew about it, you shared the same birth year. While Loki was born  09.02.967, you were born (your birthday) in the same year.

He remembers it like it was yesterday, when he escaped the royal garden once again to wander aimlessly around the wilds of Asgard. Actually, admiring the view of nature was one of the few things that truly brought some kind of peace to his confused soul.

"And you are?” the Odinson spoke, his back still facing you as you climbed the grassy hill he was standing on. From here, far away from the main city and the palace, you could overlook the whole sea, with civilization stretching over the horizon.

You gulped, trying to catch your breath as you undid your concealment spell and presented yourself fully. Immediately you bent your knee, showing your goodwill through facing the ground instead of answering.

“Surprised?” the man said as he turned around, giving you a crooked but satisfied grin. “No one can hide from the master of the shadows. I’ve wandered them a thousand times, so I can tell you’re not an amateur.”

“My prince” you started, still not daring to meet his eyes - out of respect, but also fear of his reaction, “I am deeply sorrry to having disturbed you. I mean no harm.”

“I can see that much” he retorted, raising an eyebrow. He knew you were right behind him this whole time. “I rather wonder what objective you might pursue, following me this far.”

“My name is Y/N”, you almost whispered, your voice shaking nervously. So many years you waited for this moment, and now you were about to ruin it because you just couldn’t find the right words to explain yourself.

“Then stand up, Lady Y/N” he said with a cold but well-meaning voice, reaching out his hand towards you to help you get on your feet again. Much to your surprise, of course - the stories you heared about him wouldn’t make you think that he’s this kind of a gentleman.

He lifted your chin with his fingers, and you would lie if you’d say that it didn’t make your heart race. This icy, stinging look you felt even before you met his eyes was just too much to bear. Not even to start about his looks and wits you could already tell were far beyond any tale about him.

And he was intrigued by your look as well. Eyes are the door to the soul, some people say, and even though he was outstanding at reading people, he’s never met someone like you - a mistery to him.

That weird mix of the tone in his voice  caught his interest - so kind and calm, but also confident and with a storm hiding underneat. He could tell from the very first second, that the two of you were alike: Two sides of the same coin, having more than one layer of personality treats, but were also able to hide some parts of themself through being very good actors. It’s exhausting to pretend to be someone else, he thought. 

Sadly, he thought to know immediately why you were here.

“Another one of my brother’s admirers, huh?” he spat, making those neutral eyes now direct a burning look of disgust at you.

“If you want to share his bed, the best way is to ask him directly” he explained, adding “With a man this...imbecile, there’s no need to be shy. And no need for formalities either.”

It’s not that Loki wasn’t attractive - he could be very charming, and wasn’t reseved when it came to lies just to have his ways with women. His Silver Tongue was known in all the Nine Realms, after all. Being the son of the Allfather would also help much when it came to this part of desire.

Yet Loki didn’t really have interest in relationships at all. Of course, he’d like to “conquest” sometimes, but it was more to feel equal to his popular brother, and boost his confidence.

No woman was even allowed to even speak to him after they’ve spent some hours together - not that any of them was heartbroken afterwards. The females he usually physically encountered were shallow. Not ones to have a real conversation with, or anything resembling a fun time.

They had their own intentions, that’s what made it so easy for him to just dump them instead of having a real bond with someone: Improving their social ranking, earning material gifts - or, what Loki hated most, simply getting near his way more attractive, famous brother.

Great, he managed to get lost in all those negative memories again, now ready to direct his anger towards you. The air has gotten thick after only as much as a few sentences. Sometimes it felt like his own mind was mocking him, keeping him from any form of joy.

“My prince” you repeated again, breaking his like of thought, “I fear there’s been a misunderstanding...” You cleared your throat, explaining “I am assigned to be your new guardian from now on.”

Well, at first you helped him to break free from remembering the embarassments of the past - yet your words wouldn’t be able to lift his mood in the slightest.

“You?!” he blurted out, holding his stomach in laughter. He was right, though. 

Even though your body language had a serious military tone, you wouldn’t look like a warrior in the slightest: Small, pale and dressed in a long, silken dress instead of an armor.

“A true warrior doesn’t need to be intimidating, they need training, experience and tactics” you murmured - much to his approval. How often did he mock his brainless brother for only knowing blunt violence instead of thinking a plan through. Yes - another similarity between you and him.

You placed your right hand over your heart, to symbolize what honour this matter meant to you - while also trying to calm your own breath and heartbeat.

Not that it mattered for Loki, but he loved to be respected and was quite flattered of your words and actions.

He mustered you from head to toe, trying to find out why he was so involved with you from the very first second. Loki circled and watched you from every angle, making you even more flustered than you already were. All these years of preparation couldn’t help you deal with this unreal seeming moment.

You knew who you were dealing with, but you’d never think of how it all would turn out in the end.

“I-I am deeply sorry, Lord, I thought you’d already been informed about this” you babbled, not knowing that the mood was about to shift.

“Great” he gritted between his teeth, a grim tone coating his voice, “Incredible! A bodyguard?! What a joke...”

Loki walked back and forth, kicking some stones and yelling randomly while cussing words unsuitable for someone of the royal family. He just wasn’t able to find any rest in his head.

Yet he tried to comprehend why his father would want him to have a bodyguard - and the result of his pondering wasn’t really satisfying: Odin probably thought he was too weak, to ill-minded and not fit to be the heir of the throne. What a farce - someone of the royal family, not able to protect themselves and needing someone to watch over him all the time.

Or did his father simply not trust him? Is it that, he lets a “bodyguard” follow his every step and report all failures and mischief he causes directly to the Allfather, so he would be punished immediately?

Still, all the anger put aside, Loki was oddly restrained. Was it because he didn't want to concern you or have an all too bad first impression? You, who only knew him for a mere few minutes, and who is below him in any way?

For a long time, there was just silence. While the sun settled and night began, the two of you were still standing on that hill, encoated in an unsettling abscence of words.

"No" he finally cut through this thick air, "No, I haven’t been informed. I never am. Why ask your son anyway, if you don't care about his opinion anyway?" he now yelled, throwing his hands into the air.

He really lost his cool around you, leaving you only able to watch and listen him talking all the weight from his heart. "Now tell me: Do I really look that weak?! Hel!”

It made you sad seeing the mighty prince like this. Sorrow overcame you as you realized just what kind of pressure he was putting on himself.

Still saluting, you summouned a halberd and kneeled once again, the light of the settling sun making your whole silhouette shimmer. To Loki, it was a truly breathtaking view. Finally, his head was completely empty - absent from any of his usual dark thoughts.

“It is not my place to judge you or the majesty" you said confidently, without any doubt in your voice. "But I vow that from this moment on, all of my loyality will belong to you and only you, my prince. Ever since my birth I have been trained in secret, far away from any bindings, until I was ready to serve. You see, the Allfather also did me wrong, but I don't hold any grudge. He robbed me of a normal life, yet it was for a higher good."

Tz. How naive, he thought. But as much as he disliked your not at all justified understanding for his father, this vow managed to touch him deeply.

"And what's so special about a simple fire magician?"

For a second, you couldn't hide the look of surprise on your face. "How did you-"

"-know?" he interruped, obviously having regained his composure. "Don't insult me. I'm a master at the magic arts, and I'm much more experienced at that. At least concerning this, you are an open book to me."

"That's right" you explained while trying to stay professional as he mustered you again, picking on your clothes and weapon like a curious child.

"Yet you could say that I have a…” for a second, your voice got lost in your throat. “... property, that makes me the ideal bodyguard.”

A property? What kind of quirk might you posses that makes you so valuable?

Hearing this, he stopped in his tracks, standing still like a statue after getting a strand of hair out of your face. The brightest eyes, (your eyecolour) irises stared at him in pure wonder. Even after all that he said until now, all the God of Lies could feel was pure, genuine concern.

And oh, how he yearned for this. From this moment on, his decision was set in stone: He'll keep you near, make you his pet and pastime - at least his pride didn't allow him to think otherwise. Even though his real intentions were something the reserved, warily man didn’t understand himself.

Loki shook his head when he realized just for how long he stared into your eyes, with his mouth wide open. He felt like he's been caught being weak, and like he always did when he felt insecure, he found the only way to compensate for this was for him to humiliate you.

“I ask once again: What are you? "

You managed to keep a straight face. Finally, you were allowed to share youur secret with someone:

"I am the Keeper of Fire, my lord."

Impossible. A simple, weak girl like you, possesing one of Asgards greatest attributes?

But he could tell you were telling the truth.

"I wonder what else my father tries to lock away from the world...through hiding and lies he reigns. That's the only way me and my father are similar."

Suddenly, he grabbed both of your wrists, almost as if to crush them, his emerald eyes piercing into the core of your being, trying to somehow comprehend what great power was now under his control.

When he saw your shocked look, he let go off of you.

“For a trained combatant, you’re very easy to rattle” he frowned, seeing that you took a step back. “But from now on, I’ll be your teacher - not those moronic warriors who are wasting your potential. You’ll take every single word from my lips as command.”

He stepped closer again, whispering right into your ear “You’re wax in my hand, little dove. And I’ll form the ideal warrior.” It was like your power was making him feel invincible, too. “Did I express myself properly?”

“As you wish, my Lord.”

“Oh” he smirked evily, “I prefer the term ‘master’ from now on.”

“All right” you finally smirked back, making his heart jump a little, “Everything you say, my master.”

___

When he finally got back to his senses, Loki almost felt like he could actually feel your soft hands like back then, when he escorted (more like dragged) you back to the palace, where you’d live officially from now on.

It was ridiculous when he thinks about it: The man who didn't trust anyone instantly believing a girl he's never seen before, and just came out of nothing with a wild story about being a chosen one.

Yet he did, and it felt so easy, so naturally to trust you.

Reality fell onto him like a crushing punch from the Hulk when he remembered ‘the rules’. They were engraved into his heart like scars.

Many people thought that the ‘Keeper of Fire’ was just a tale. No one knew what details were true and which part of stories and ballads, yet it seemed like it had just been another one of his fathers well kept secrets.

On your way home from that hill - the beginning of your shared way - he persuaded you to tell him everything about this incredible power:

1. There can only be one Keeper of Fire at a time. When the choosen one dies one and for all, a randomly selected child will inherit this attribute. There is no way to affect who is chosen next.

2. The Keeper of Fire is blessed with the Power of the Phoenix - technically, he can never die. Every time he does, he’ll be reborn randomly as a creature of the Nine Realms.Their appearance stays basically the same, expect for the characteristics of the respective race.

“So you can turn out to be something else than an Asgardian, right?”

“Yeah, the moment I take my last breath, my soul will be transferred to a child that’s about to be born in this very moment. It's coincidence, really."

“Have you already experienced this?” Everything about you was so exciting, so different from this whole, boring life that Loki could only harldy hide his excitement.

“It is wonderful, actually. You see so many different points of view, ways of living... It's truly a privilege.” Remembering your past lives, you began to smile so bright that Loki thought he might faint. So that's why you were so calm, understanding and thankful. Did he even deserve to walk aside such a pure creature? “My whole existence, your father would always manage to find me. It’s not that hard to find the Phoenix’ Flame, if you know how. So I’ve spent all my lives earning experience on the battlefield, dying very young.”

Much to your surprise, the prince looked very sad upon hearing this - little did you know it was because he felt like he should blame himself. You were trained to become his bodyguard, after all. And it had surely not been easy on you.

Not that he would ever voice those feelings, nor admit that it would affect him this much. Maintaining his distance to people he might open up to was his main commandment.

3. Your new body will age very fast, up to your “blossom time”. Around that time, you’ll stop aging at all, making it impossible for you to die. None of your fellow beings will ever be aware of this fact, and neither are you. So everyone around you behaves as it was completely normal.

4. After having been reborn, you'l have no memory of your past lives, until something very important from reminds you of them.

Chuckling, you tried to lighten up the mood as you added “I lived 2 lives as an Asgardian, one in Alfheim and...one in Nidavellir.”

Loki laughed, loudly and heartily, and you almost forgot that this man was known only for making everyone’s life miserable. Right now, it felt like the two of you knew each other forever - that’s how freely and satisfyingly you could talk.

“So that’s why you’re so small” he joked, wiping a tear of joy from the corner of his eye. "You were a dwarf, hilarious!"

"Hey!" you responded, "Maybe you're just too tall! You're almost as big as one of the Jotuns!"

His face darkened again when he thought of all the comrades he lost in battle against them. "This is no matter for jokes. Do not compare me to those vile beasts."

By the gods, this guy really has mood swings, but you guessed you should prepare to get used to that.

Actually, you wanted to say something about the Jotuns - yet you thought it'd be better if not all secrets were to be lifted from the very beginning. A feeling told you it would be better if you kept your mouth shut about this topic - at least for now.

"One last question..." Lokis own voice was echoing in his head, "If there can only be one of you at a time, but you cannot perish... How can there ever be an end to your immortality? How do you pass it on?"

His silent tears turned into loud sobbing as he slammed his fists onto the ground, until his knuckles began to bleed.

His heart felt like it was bursting under the pressure of him once again realizing the reason of you not coming back to live like you always did.

There was no hope, he now understood.

It was him, he knew that much. Everything he's done to you made this cruel, final rule work:

"That's easy. I will only reincarnate if I have the will to live on."

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[lavendersoft]

Until I met you.

-Street fighter!Jimin x Reader

2/?

Synopsis: While on a date for their 2nd anniversary, Jimin loses Yoongi while being attacked in an alleyway by a robber. Yoongi sacrificed himself for his lover and Jimin could never forgive himself for not being able to do the same. The survivor’s guilt ate away at him over the months and it definitely didn’t help that he saw Yoongi’s face everywhere. In mirrors, dreams, large crowds, on trains, and even when he closed his eyes. Although, Jimin found a way to cope. He began a rigorous training schedule. Boxing, self-defense classes, Tae Kwon Do, he even started street fighting and got caught up with bad people. Anything and everything. His hands would bleed, his muscles would ache, his bones would break. Jimin was offered multiple full scholarships to prestigious martial arts schools for his talent, all of which Jimin turned down. He didn’t want to make a career out of this, he just didn’t want to be haunted by his dead fiancé. The only time Yoongi wouldn’t haunt every moment of Jimin’s life was when he’s training, as if Yoongi is saying “I won’t rest, nor will I let you rest, until you’re stronger.” Jimin will never lose anyone that he loves again.

Everything felt like a downward spiral,

until he met you.

Warnings: (There’s a lot- and it’s kinda dark, be warned) PTSD, implied schizophrenia (sorta? take that with a grain of salt), PTSD induced delusions/hallucinations, depression, paranoia, night terrors, character death, major angst, unhealthy coping mechanisms, masochism(?), alcoholism, minor gore, mention of drug abuse, mention of blood, mention of sexual assault/ harassment, mention of asylums, profanity, Jimin goes through one hell of a mental breakdown.

Author’s notes: super slow burn :/ basically, in which jimin copes with the traumatic incident of his fiancé’s brutal murder by street fighting. this story isn’t yandere but has dark themes.

“I gave her your number.”

Jimin almost spits out his gator aid in shock.

“You what?!”

The two friends had been kickboxing for two hours now and decided to take a break.

“She’s, like, really into you.”

Jimin’s sighs. He appreciates his friend but a relationship is the last thing he needs at the moment.

It hasn’t even been a year yet.

“And you’re really into her. You’re just the only one that can’t see it.” Jungkook states.

“What are you talking about?” Jimin is genuinely surprised.

“You were oogling over her all night, dude. It was so obvious. Like, you blushed. You actually blushed! I haven’t seen you look at someone like that since-“ Jungkook catches himself before he says the name, Jimin’s glare daring him to go on.

It was true, Jimin knew that. There was something about her, the way she presented herself, the manner in which she spoke, the slight light-hearted sarcastic comments. Something reminded Jimin of Yoongi.

“I’m not ready for another relationship, okay? Just drop it.”

Jungkook’s eyes narrow into slits of suspicion.

“Have you been seeing Dr. Bang lately?” The air around Jimin becomes thin at the mention of his therapist.

“Not in a while.”

“What about your meds? Have you had your anti-depressant refilled?”

“No.”

Jungkook sighs, his head hanging low.

“Seriously?”

“I’m not a child, Jungkook.” Jimin scolds. He finishes the conversation by standing and heading towards the shower, leaving a sulking Jungkook.

That night Jimin doesn’t get much sleep. His mind kept wandering over to her face. The way her eyes lit up when he spoke to her. How her voice got a bit louder when talking about dancing.

He used the be that passionate. Now he spends all of his time fighting. He had no time- or need- for passion.

The chime of his phone brings him out of his thoughts.

11:30? Who the hell is texting me at 11:30?

Unknown: Hey, is this Jimin?

Jimin: yeah? Who’s this?

Unknown: It’s Y/n. We met last night?

His heart jumps.

Jimin: Oh, yeah, of course! how are you?

Unknown: I’m great! I was just wondering if you wanted to go see Singin’ in the Rain the musical? I was given two tickets by my dance instructor and just thought since you have a background in dance..? It’s @ 7:00 tomorrow night.

A date? Like an actual date? Without other people? For romantic purposes and not meaningless hookups?

Jimin: Sorry. I’m working.

A lie. He doesn’t even have a job. He lost it months ago, when he started fighting for money.

Unknown: oh, that’s okay. :)

Jimin’s eyes can’t leave his phone screen. They start to burn since the bright screen is such a sharp contrast to his dark room.

Should I...?

He shakes his head and turns off his phone to try to get as much shut-eye as he could, the rancid smell of lingering alcohol surrounding him.

—

The next morning is the normal routine- he gets up, showers, eats, grabs a beer, and makes his way to the gym.

He hits the punching bag just a little harder than usual, though.

Her face doesn’t leave his mind. Her disappointment emits through the last text she sent. He wants to go. He really does.

But he can’t. It’s dangerous. She’s already been able to take over his thoughts in such a short amount of time. No one’s been able to captivate his mind so quickly since... him.

He won’t let himself go down that hole.

-

Y/n: Awesome! I’ll see you tonight then!

Yes. He texted her. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a play. A play he’s wanted to see since he was little.

That’s the only reason he’s going.

They’ve decided to meet at the theater, for that Jimin was grateful. It would save him the awkward first pickup that he’s had to do so many times.

He waits at the entrance door for her, albeit a bit impatiently. It looks as if it’s about to start raining and everyone else is entering and taking their seats already.

She’s late. He hates when people are late. If he had his ticket he probably would have gone in without her. His hands stuffed in his pockets, his foot tapping the ground lightly. He sighs. If she’s not here in the next two-

“Hey, Jimin. You look nice.”

He turns to the sound of the pleasantly soft voice. She’s wearing a black velvet, formfitting slip dress.

No, she looks nice. Better than nice, even. If he were the old Jimin, he would have told her that.

But he’s not, so he only nods in acknowledgment.

“Thank you.”  

He hopes she doesn't notice the healing bruise on his left cheekbone. He doesn't think it's noticeable but yet again, he's desensitized to wounds like such.

They take their seats and to Jimin’s pleasant surprise, they’re close to the front. He can see the entire stage perfectly. When the lights dim and the show starts, he feels entranced. He forgot how much he used to love music. He hasn't listened to a full song on his own time since he gave up dancing. He finds himself almost jealous of the way the actors float across the stage as they dance.

Glancing over, he finds Y/n just as engaged. Her eyes all but sparkle in awe, a small smile etches her face as she watches intently.

She’s glowing.

The play ends too early for Jimin’s liking. He wishes he had a longer opportunity to study her facial expressions more. He doesn't know why she fascinates him so much.

“You hungry?” Her question catches him off guard at first, her eyes meeting his own.

“I could eat.”

“Great. I know a cute little place not too far from here.”

-

The food was gross.

Jimin didn’t care. He didn't care about much these days anyway. She seemed to enjoy it though, so he couldn't say it was a total waste. The way her eyes lit up before closing in delight, humming softly when she spooned in another bite.

“So good.”

“Yeah.” He barely registered the smile that crept upon his face in utter amusement.

She’s pretty cute, I guess.

Then the passing thought jerked Jimin’s attention away.

He’s- no, it’s not here. It’s always here? It’s always lingering somewhere... but...

“You lookin’ for someone?” She questions, although her tone is light.

“No. I’ve just never been here so I’m taking in the ambiance.” It wasn't a total lie. Sure, the food wasn't the best but he’d ordered a glass of wine to compensate for that. Beyond that, the restaurant itself was cozy. It featured fairy lights and wooden fixtures. Various types of greenery adorned the walls and he had a direct view of the patio, which had a fireplace and a decorated oak tree that grew from the cracked pavement. He had to admit that was kind of cool.

“Well, hows the first impression?” She inquires.

“It’s cute, like you said.”

Jimin doesn't know how she talked him into letting herself walk him home, as if he needed a chaperone. But he doesn't argue, he’s too tired- and tipsy- for that.

They turn down the alley that he usually uses as a short-cut. There are always shady men that like to loiter around here but Jimin never pays them any mind. No sane person that knows anything about Demon wouldn't try anything fresh.

Apparently, these guys are new around here.

“Hey, baby, you’re lookin’ like a good fuck tonight. God damn.” A particularly tall man that looks unshowered comments, looking Y/n up and down with a predatory gaze. His equally gross friends become confident enough to start making their own distasteful comments.

Jimin can feel the anger start to boil.

Right as his feet stop walking, she grabs his hand to urge him forward.

“It’s not worth it. Let’s go.” Her eyes seem so desperate and pleading that it satiates his anger, if only for a second. Jimin notices that she hasn't even acknowledged the stranger.

Why won't she just tell him she's not interested so he’ll leave her alone?

His thoughts are interrupted when he hears the sharp sound of a hand slap on fabric.

“Damn, baby. That ass is incredible.”

He touched her. He touched her.

“Hey! Who the hell do you thi-” She’s interrupted by a flash of blond hair placing itself between her and the man. Jimin grabs the stranger by the throat and pushes him against the brick wall of the alley. The man’s eyes alight with fear and regret upon finding the strength that the smaller man had stocked away in his more petite frame.

“I think you owe her an apology.”

But the man is stubborn, unfortunately for him.

“Go fuck yourself, asshole. Your girlfriend’s a nasty whore anywa-” He doesn't get the chance to even breath before Jimin lands a hard punch to his jaw.

He felt the string snap. The same string that snaps when he’s in the ring. He sees nothing but red. He hears nothing but the sound his heart thumping in his ears.

The blood flies around him, his focus is only on one thing. Punch after punch, hit after hit, Jimin continues.

Jimin’s knuckles start to ache, his muscles are strained. He really does want to kill this man. He really does.

He probably might have if she hadn't stepped in front of him, her hands on his face.

“Jimin.”

Her face is confident, maybe a bit stern even. But anyone could see that she was concerned.

“It’s okay. I’m okay. Let’s go, come on.” She takes his bruising hand, easing him away, her eyes refusing to leave his.

Jimin is still dazed on the walk home but still manages to give her the directions to his house. The first thing she asks for when he unlocked to door was the first aid kit- and proceeded to clean his hands.

No one ever cleaned his wounds after a fight. He’s always had to do it himself.

He observed how her facial expressions would switch from concentrated to relaxed as she proceeded. Then a smirk crossed her face.

“You stare a lot, you know that?” She finishes wrapping his second hand and places in on his lap.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” She was so relaxed around him, something Jimin wasn’t used to. “I think you broke his jaw. Not like he didn’t deserve it, though.”

“What happened to the other guys?” Jimin was curious. In his fury, when everything was a blur, he didn’t even realize that the other’s weren’t participating in the fight.

“They bolted as soon as you threw the first punch. All talk, I guess.” She responds with an amused grin.

“Why didn't you tell them?” It comes off a bit more accusatory than he expected.

“What?”

“Why didn't you tell them to fuck off, to stop, anything?”

Her eyes are locked on his wrapped hand in thought before she responds.

“People like them don’t listen, Jimin. Sometimes it’s just safer to ignore.”

Y/n took the silence that comes after as an opportunity to look around Jimin’s apartment. It was small but not cramped. In fact, there was barely anything in the house at all.

Jimin had gotten rid of anything that even remotely reminded him of Yoongi. Everything except-

“Who’s this?”

“Don’t-“ Jimin catches himself before he snatches the picture back from her hands. Instead, he places a hand nervously on the back of his neck, “Um- that’s just.. uh-“

Sensing his discomfort, she places the picture frame back on the shelf where she found it. The picture featured Jimin with his arms wrapped around his blonde boyfriend, a bit too close to be less than lovers.

He visibly sighs in relief.

“That’s my... my f-” The word gets stuck in his throat, refusing to budge.

“Friend. He died not too long ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Were you two close?” Her tone was nothing but sympathetic.

Jimin doesn’t understand the sudden irritation that arises in him. It was a simple, innocent question.

Were they close? Were they close??

“Yes.” He doesn’t realize that he’s been subconsciously playing with the ring on his left hand, “We were very close.”

Jimin doesn’t like newcomers. He hasn’t since Yoongi died. In fact, no one new has even entered his home in months. He doesn’t trust people, because they all leave. He didn’t even like Jungkook’s girlfriend at first, but he got used to her after a while. Jimin used to love meeting new friends, he was the most sociable person out of the group. But he was different from what he used to be. New friends, new relationships aren’t worth it.

His mind flashes to the faces of all the people he’s “dated” in the past six months. All the hearts he’s broken because he can’t return their romantic feelings. All the women who he’s made cry after fucking and ditching them. All the men he’s been yelled at for leading them on. But he doesn’t care.

No one stays, so why make yourself vulnerable to someone that’s not going to be there forever?

He knows it’s only a matter of time before she leaves, too.

“And you want to call yourself a good person? Bullshit.” Jimin gulps.

“Playing with people’s emotions is only something a monster would do. You’re evil. Weak and evil.” The dark growl sounds from behind him, a cold hand is placed on the back of his neck. Jimin’s breath quickens.

“Hey,” She steps forward, and the cold feeling from behind him disappears and it’s replaced with something warmer. Her. 

“Are you okay?” Her face is filled with worry. She must have sensed Jimin’s impending panic. Her hand is on his chest now, it’s comforting. She has to be able to feel his racing heartbeat.

“Yeah, sorry. Just bad memories is all.” He takes a quick, nonchalant look behind him.

But Yoongi’s not there this time.

[brolinjosh]

endgame review

i’ve waited 24 hours for my endgame feels to sink in. spoilers and strong opinions are under the cut.

first i need to start with the parts that i loved and that made the movie stand out and be memorable and parts that i immensely enjoyed:

- tony and nebula’s friendship and nebula’s arc later. she finally stopped being self destructive, lost the desire to please thanos and stood up for herself. she made a strong bond with gamora and even in the past, that bond stood out and it was beautiful. she got more screen time and stopped being just a weapon. got to play games, got to be appreciated for more than a good warrior. joked with people and made good friendships.

- tony telling steve off. tony stan here, but unbiased opinion is that him and steve had a falling out. steve stayed on earth and tony ended up stranded on an alien planet and nearly died. he is a non powered man and only had his armor and got stabbed by thanos and he has never felt more alone than when oxygen was slowly running out on him and nebula. he should have argued and called him out on them sticking together, and he had every right to do so.

- whole time travel thing. it was nostalgic, i am really glad they connected this, as last movie, to the previous ones. thor getting his moment with frigga, tony commenting on shape of steve’s ass, loki disappearing with tesseract, little things like that. they gave movie depth and not just thanos aftermath. 

- steve had some show stopping scenes. telling himself he could do this all day and being tired of himself bc he knows how big of a pain in the ass he can be in the battle?? hell yes thank you. steve wielding mjolnir?? legit had me cheering, wig snatched. 

- i genuinely liked thor’s arc. he lost everyone he had ever cared about, it was normal for him to be depressed and angry and that he had given up. i am glad rocket snapped him out of it because it gave rocket depth and we saw how deeply he connected to all of them and decided not to be an asshole and be kinder to people that surround him. it showed another part of them being a family and how even characters we never thought would love each other this way, ended up with an unbreakable bond that is more than just a team work.

- more screen time for underappreciated amazing characters, james rhodes, scott lang, clint barton. more of their interactions and showing how funny and smart they are??? they had my heart.

- i LOVED professor hulk. mark ruffalo finally got more screen time and it showed how smart bruce really is and that he is not just some likable guy who is intelligent, but not as much as other scientists (like scenes with shuri in infinity war that i loved because of shuri, but in past movies they downplayed his intellect a bit). i loved how he was more confident and at peace with himself.

- thanos!!! thanos remained a formidable villain and his arc was still the best villain arc in mcu. he is not easy to take on , he is a threat and he gave movie and everything that happened a meaning.

- best mcu scene to this day - strange opening portals and people passing through, ready to slay enemies. all united, all fighting together, all boosting and helping each other out in this final battle that we waited for 10 years??? literally killed every other movie battle ever. they have outdone themselves.

- peter seeing tony and talking about soul stone world, not realizing that everything was done for him and out of love for this amazing boy?? beautiful.

- TONY FUCKING STARK WIELDING INFINITY GAUNTLET. YES. had me yell at the screen, it was showstopping. my favorite scene ever in movie history. mere mortal taking on the fate of the world and killing every bad creature and smiting thanos himself. CONTENT I LIVE FOR.

- valkyrie a king??? hell yes, she deserved it. no one more than her. 

now, things that ruined the movie for me and that i do not think i will easily accept or forgive:

- i understand that in the end, since natasha and clint went to vormir, in the end had me desiring that she would be the one to give up, since he has a family. but it’s not supposed to be that way. natasha seemed out of character the whole time. she was way more emotional, i partially understand because she lost everything and it has affected her more than anything ever. but it was bad writing. woman dying for shock value and to effect men??? why. she just started expressing herself and letting know people she loves them and really connected and bonded with them and have her go like that? as a sacrifice? uncalled for.

- pepper’s arc bugged me the whole time. woman who was there from the beginning to call tony out on his shit, also was a woman who stopped him from doing reckless things. she was always the one who kept arguing with him, literally in every movie, over his desire to save the world and to protect them. he told her he found a way to bring everyone back, but one word from her (something she was terrific at), and he would ditch it and stay with their family. and this is the first time she encouraged him to do something so reckless and it was poor overshadowing of his death and insanely out of character for her. she knew how it would end and she kept saving him from himself, because he was always terrified of losing her and in a way that stopped him from doing what he did years ago. they had a family and in the end . her showing up in an armor had me in tears, because that’s my gal, but also that is incredibly reckless and like she didn’t think things through in 2-3 scenes she had in the movie?? 

- i’m in it for tony. naturally i am upset. but not because he died, but because of HOW he died. naturally gauntlet took a toil on him. his body was combusting. it was devastating. what killed me was that pepper, love of his life, approached him and seemed like she had kind of a bad day. asked for his vitals and when told he is dying, she shed a tear and told him that he could rest. it blew my mind that she did not crumble in front of him, no “ i love you” nothing that would be her last words to him that showed him that he meant the world. he knew that, but would have been nice to have something like that. ALSO, him not being able to speak??? BEYOND OUTRAGED. no actual goodbyes, no him saying anything to the avengers, just lying like he had a stroke. the best character with the most complicated arc in the entire marvel universe and did something unimaginable and to have him just fall and not say goodbye or how he feels, or is he afraid of dying or what is happening to him??? “ i am iron man” is a great line for taking on thanos, but as last words while he is alive, unsatisfying and writing for shock value. peter crying, hugging him, apologizing , that was beautiful. everyone who he had just given his life for just standing aside, looking at him, shedding one tear???? steve? STEVE ROGERS???? JAMES RHODES??? no goodbyes between best friends, no them being wrecked and having breakdowns??? really?

- steve’s ending. it was the most out of character thing russos have ever done. they became famous for taking on characters in their own ways, but steve, person who had such strong relationships with tony, bucky and sam, leaving bucky and sam for a selfish cause of going back in time to a woman who already had a fulfilling life and found a way to live without him?? who had a husband and family? who was accomplished and her heartbreak over losing steve gave her depth and she got out stronger than ever. and he just went back and her whole history and family was erased for it, because he loved her and they shared one kiss a lifetime ago? steve going back to do this and not free bucky from hydra or help his best friend out, a man who he started civil war over and fought government for, steve leaving bucky and sam, people who have been with him through thick and thin, going back to indulge himself, thinking he cannot be happy in present, not thinking about two people who have to now live on without him? bucky who never got a decent time with him after ca:tfa, who’s life has been nothing but a shitstorm, now having to live without his best friend and only person that felt like a home? insanity. steve rogers, the most self-sacrificial, stubborn little shit, who gave enemies hell for people he cared about, leaving people behind? never. 

in conclusion, for me movie did nothing but upset me, because i have invested 10 years into this, countless hours of writing meta and giffing scenes that went unnoticed, loving these characters, pouring my heart and soul and time into this, and for them to kill off people for shock value, natasha and tony, to have them fuck up steve’s arc beyond words, to end relationships or to make them meaningless.... they did pay an omage to previous movies, but not characters  and how they were previously portrayed. tony, man who started mcu, should not die for us to be miserable bastards after spending so much time in this universe, he should have gotten to live a happy life with the family he had just started. 

in the end, if anyone had to die, for me it was supposed to be both steve and tony, in a battle, bloody with glorious goodbyes, their last battle, showing each other how they would lay their lives so the other one lives, sacrificing for each other, but have both biggest characters die gloriously, not one like he had a stroke and second one grow old and selfish, abandoning his friends and family.

in the end, i did not like the movie. first marvel movie to this day that i didn’t like, because it was first that erased so many good things. 

[crookedndelicate]

#3 - longshot (songfic)

a/n: yes, already. van mccann works hard but i work harder. also, this isn’t really a van / you fic, and tbh i don’t even know what it is. it just kinda happened. 

word count: around 2k (in less than a day... my essays can’t relate)

They always said it wasn’t going to last.

Long distance rarely does, they said. Don’t get your hopes up, Van. You always do. Too hard, too fast, mate. Got the wedding already planned out in your head, you. Take it slow.

He wanted to argue that it wouldn’t be a first. Being a rockstar often meant you couldn’t have any other type of relationship – long distance often seemed to be the only option. It was the price his relationships often had to pay – being away from each other for months, relying on late night FaceTime and stolen moments. So why did he think it would be different this time around?

Perhaps it was because for once, Van McCann felt invincible. Post-The Balcony, Post-The Ride, post-big tours and headlining some of the world’s biggest festivals. For a brief moment there, he was on the top of the world. Or perhaps it’s because he was a romantic, wanting nothing more than to settle down and start a family. And when he fell in love, he truly, wholeheartedly believed that it would last forever, because that’s what romantics do.

Undoubtedly, Van McCann had the tendency to break his own heart.

“And we lapped it up and we’re wise enough to know / how it goes”

Long FaceTime calls. Dancing in the kitchen to The Strokes. Long distance film watching. Early morning drunk calls. Fights. Tension. Fear. Accusations. Breakdowns. Handwritten notes from first dates, with words that used to mean everything and now mean nothing at all.

That wasn’t how the story was supposed to go. Boy meets girl, girl makes boy a better version of himself. Boy and girl spend time together, at first two of them against the world, then the two of them forever and ever. But there was nothing better about that version of him. Drinking more, smoking more, getting high more. More tired. Angrier. Exhausted. That’s what they all said.

He grew fond of disappearing for months. Going back to Ireland, away from everyone but his bandmates and Larry. No Wi-Fi, no signal, no way to check her social media or drunk call her in the middle of the night. He grew fond of being silent, of allowing himself to be Ryan Evan McCann, the boy who wanted to make music for festival crowds to dance to, and not Van McCann, the frontman of Catfish and the Bottlemen. These days, they felt like two different people, and he wasn’t sure which one he preferred.

He didn’t want to admit they were right. He didn’t want to admit they shouldn’t have gotten involved with each other, he didn’t want to admit he knew all along something there wasn’t right.

But god, they were.

“Forgive me, honey / but we’re wise enough to know”

You’re always away. Going out to dinner with a friend. Yes, him. No, Van. What are you worried about? you’re the flirt around here. You know it’s meaningless, so what are you worried about?

That was the million dollar question, wasn’t it? What was he worried about? Was it the distance getting to him? Bringing out the worst in him? Did he genuinely think she would do something to hurt him? no. He had faith in her. Inthem. Hell, he had faith in them when no one else did.

So why did he feel, in spite of all of that, that something was off? That he kept missing something? That all the nights he spent alone didn’t feel the same? It wasn’t Hourglass-Van, the boy who was on the road and could only think of his loved one, knowing they’ll get together eventually. Knowing they’ll be reunited, and that everything will be fine. It wasn’t Heathrow-Van either, who would jump into the car to pick her up, eager to see her again, knowing the nights they’re spending together are rarer than red diamonds and more valuable than gold, but just as glorious.

No. Something was different this time around, and he knew it. And the worst part was, deep down, he knew it’s always been this way. It wasn’t meant to last.

“Goahead and tell me something real / come on, how’d you feel?”

“I miss you, love.”

“I miss you too, Van. When are you coming home?”

“Soon, love. Soon. I promise. Tour’s almost done, and then I’ll be home. Promise.”

Sigh.“It’s just that… tour’s never really done with you, Van, innit? there’s always another gig, another night, another festival. A weekend in Australia, two weeks in the States. Always leave by the time we settle in. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

And there it was.“it will be soon, love. I promise. I’ll be home sooner than you think, alright?”

Another sigh.“Alright. I love you, Van.”

But do you really?

“We were side by side again / And now, we’re all careless and loved up”

Her clothes on the floor. Her body against his, falling into their usual rhythm. Her perfume. The scent of her shampoo on his pillow. Her legs wrapped around his torso, her head falling back in pure pleasure. Her mouth hanging open, his lips against her neck. Scratches on his back, her voice beginning him to go faster, deeper, hanging onto every inch of him. Her body vibrating against his.

Her head on his chest, his arms wrapped around her. Those were nights that made everything feel right again. The nights the doubt disappeared, the nights they’d stay up late and talk about life. The nights he held onto, the nights that reminded him why he fell in love with her in the first place. The nights that reminded him why he wanted her to wear his necklace someday.

When they were together, all his doubts seemed to vanish. When they were together, side by side, all he could see was her sleepy eyes looking at him, her hair falling on her shoulders softly, framing her face. The way her mouth curved into a soft smile, her morning voice mumbling his name. With the distance no longer between them, it felt right again.

Problem was, when the distance wasbetween them, they seemed to lose it all. The tenderness. The faith in their relationship. The love. The passion. It was a flame that ignited itself every time they were together, and disappeared when they were apart. At least so it seemed on her side.

As time passed, it was no longer geographical distance that was the problem. Even when she was around, she wasn’t. And that’s when he knew things were falling apart.

“Cause we know this feeling / all a little too well”

They were right about one thing: he had the tendency to fall too hard, too fast. Hang onto every relationship, every girl that swept him off his feet. In love with the idea of a soulmate, someone to start a family with, have children with, spend the rest of his life, Van McCann wasn’t very good at letting go.

And it’s not that he didn’t try. He tried to avoid her late night calls. He tried to stay away from her social media, her friends’ social media. He tried to drown himself in gigs, in late night drinks, in festivals, in hand rolled smokes, in the ‘rockstar life’. He really did try.

And then he’d see her name on his screen, his phone lighting up in the middle of the night, and he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. You need a phone detox, they said, as if he was addicted to his phone. He definitely wasn’t too attached to it – he didn’t care about the damn thing. No, the problem wasn’t his phone. The problem was her.

He was attached to her.He needed to detox himself from her. He needed his phone, because he needed her.He’d been down this road before, trying to salvage their relationship before it’s too late. He could feel her slipping away, and heneededher not to.

She already has,they said. Let go. You know it.

He did. The feeling in his gut, knowing he’d lost her, knowing there was nothing left to salvage. He’d been done this road before. The heavy feeling in his chest, the bittersweet feeling when he saw her name. Wanting to say I love you and knowing it wouldn’t make a difference. Wanting to hear I love youand knowing it’d be nothing more than empty words, an automated response.

“Follow the heart I believe in / 'cause one of us must know”

The night they debuted Fluctuate was everything he could hope for and more. The crowd was eager to learn the lyrics, eager to share his anger. It was one of those things he could never get sick of ��� people singing his lyrics back at him, having the time of their lives to the sound of his music. They were an inevitable part of his writing process now – every song, every word, every note was perfectly crafted to make festival crowdsdance the night away. If they were happy, he most certainly was.

They never asked why Fluctuate, just like they never asked why 7. Both times, the lids proved once again they knew him like the back of his hand; they knew he needed to say it, put it out there, long before the album’s out. Because Fluctuate was a track that was written out of a moment of anger, mourning over the loss of a relationship that fell apart, in many ways before it had begun.

The night they debuted Fluctuate was everything he could hope for, and more; and yet, something was missing. Being high on crowd adoration and being in love were very similar in manyways, and yet, they couldn’t be more different. And they never asked why Fluctuate, because god knows it didn’t need saying. They all felt it in their gut, his frustration, his anger, his need to feel like himself again. The way he did when they were curled up in bed, laughing, telling childhood stories. The way he did when he woke her up with a kiss and a cuppa. The way he felt when everything was right– when it briefly was.

“Follow the heart I believe in / ‘cause when the past it's done me good...”

Time passed, like it always does. Memories fade, feelings go numb, and life goeson. With the release of Longshot and their long-anticipated comeback (even though if you ask him, they never left), upcoming tours, festival slots and video shoots, life went back to its insane rhythm, the same rhythm they’d all adored so much. God, he’d missed the adrenaline rush.

Nottingham. Plymouth. London. Sold out nights, thousands of people welcoming them back home. Thousands of people reminding him where he belonged – onstage, with his Fender, with them, watching their reactions. The way their eyes lit up after the very first note of Cocoon, the sound of them singing Hourglass in unison. Tyrants mosh pits. People dancing, screaming, singing, cheering, crying, making out… living. That’s what it always came down to. People living to the sound of Bob’s rhythm, or Benji’s bass lines, another one of Bondy’s solos, orhis words. The words that always represented him, even when he wasn’t sure what that meant.

“Van, mate, you okay?” he heard Bondy’s voice behind him. “You’ve been standing still for almost ten minutes.”

Has he? He hadn’t noticed. “Buzzin’,” he replied, practically on autopilot. His eyes were focused on her– the way she mouthed along the lyrics to whatever she was listening to, her body moving to the rhythm, not caring if anyone saw her. The way she looked up at him, and smiled. It’s been a while since he’d seen such a soft, genuine smile. The way she seemed almost hesitant to approach him. All he did was nod, inviting her to come over, inviting her to say something, wanting to know if her voice was as gentle as the rest of her seemed to be.

“Oh, god,” he heard Larry sighing in the background. “Here we go again.”

Yes, he smiled to himself, Here we go again.

[elejah-verse]

Sweet Love/6

Fanfiction

Part 6

Elijah Mikaelson x reader

This is a very AU TVD/TO story

Premise: Elijah Mikaelson is an ex-race car driver, who is jobless, due to an accident and he is in dire need of a job. Y/N is a CEO of a multinational confectionary company. Due to some threats, she needs to hire a driver/bodyguard. Will loves spark?

Also featuring Klaus Mikaelson as a mechanic, and Kol Mikaelson as a writer. Caroline Forbes as Y/N best friend.

a/n: Ok, I know it is pretty angsty, but there will be loving and fluffingness soon I promise. Thanks for reading. It is so appreciated. xoxo

tags @rissyrapp20 @dendrite-lover @elejahforever @fafulous @goddessofthunder112 @captainshurley

_________

Elijah went out of the house. His head was spinning. He didn't know what do. He wanted to go back in and then he thought maybe it was best to leave. But he did neither. He opted to go down to the beach. Everything was jumbled up in him. Her kiss was still burning so vividly on his lips. It was everything he imagined it would be. But the physical is not what he wanted. He didn't want another meaningless night of sex. He wanted more. He wanted all with Y/N. He wanted her love. How does life get so complicated? He wished he now had his boxing bag in front of him.

In the house, Y/N, brushed her tears away. All that hang in her for years just exploded. But what made her lose her tether.

Flashback

Earlier that day

In her study, Y/N now played with her phone. Wanting to call Lucien, but then tossed the phone away on the neighbouring sofa. She drew a deep breath now flashing back to the night before in the restaurant. 

~Flashback within flashback

Lucien excused himself and now went to take a call as it was the hospital calling. but in truth, it was not the hospital, but Aurora De Martel, who was sitting in a VIP lounge with her brother and some of his friends. 

Some ten minutes late, Y/N, got up, using this opportunity, till her fiancé got back to go to the rest room. And there, her heart nearly stood still as she now saw Aurora and Lucien get out of the rest room, and the red lean over to as she spun around on her heel and gave Lucien a kiss on the cheek.

“What the Hell is this?”- Y/N shouted now at her fiancé, looking at Aurora with her eyes now blazing at the woman.

“Nothing”- Lucien said startled a bit -”what would it be?”

“OMG!”-  it was almost like an epiphany the way Y/N’s mind suddenly put two and two together-”You two are - fucking behind my back! This is why you so wanted to go to this restaurant! Oh, God, I am so stupid! How did I not see this -”- Y/N now shook her head  in total disbelief, feeling a throbbing headache coming on. As some other guests of the restaurant came in, she now turned and walked away. 

Lucien was denying it and ran after Y/N, but she didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. Not wanting to cause a scene, she just left the place, getting a taxi back home.~

Taking her phone now from the sofa, Y/N walked out of the study and went to the kitchen. Taking a drink of juice, she decided to go to the winter garden, to try and unwind, and stop thinking about Lucien and Aurora.

As she came to it, entering it, she heard the following-

"What is it - how much this time? It's all money, money with you. Did you once ask how she is doing? She nearly died in this crash. She was in a coma. Not waking up for days. She is your daughter - do you get that, John? Y/N is YOUR daughter,too! But you never cared! Same as Miranda. You two just left her behind like she was a puppy. But she is not, she is a human being!"- Isobel now threw the phone away.

Y/N thought she gad just walked into the twilight zone hearing what she heard.

And like in a daze she now walked to her mother, who was startled as Y/N spoke-

"Did you just say that - John is - my father? Is Miranda my mother?"

Isobel, as per usual, dismissed it. Telling Y/N she didn't hear it right.

"I need a drink"- Isobel said passing by Y/N, but she grabbed hold of her mother's arm and demanded she told her the truth.

From there on it was like someone set fire between the two women, until Y/N shot out of the house.

As she got all worked up, she now was calm and collected again. She got out of the room and took her car keys. She got out and as walked to the front of the house, she saw that Elijah's car was still there. She stood there puzzled for a second. He didn't leave? But, he was not around the house either. He must have gone down to the beach, she thought and now went looking for him.

"You are - still here?"- Y/N said as she now saw Elijah come to her.

"Yes. I - needed a walk - clear things up for myself. And - I couldn't just leave and let you stay - the way you are."

"The way I am - irrational you mean"-

"Hurting- very badly"- Elijah said.

Y/N was quiet. She crossed her arms. She looked away, hiding her tears welling up in her eyes again.

"I -"- she started-"I apologize for - earlier. I - you were right, it's not - right. I don't know what I was thinking. I - everything inside of me is - "- Y/N shook her head and looked down.

Elijah now moved to her and embraced her and the flood of tears now burst out.

And he held her again, like once before and let her.

Holding onto Elijah still, Y/N huffed a bit-

"Everything is so - muddled. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be like this. Just - "

Y/N now moved out of Elijah's hug, wiping her tears off again and continued-

"You will probably think it's so stupid to get in such crazy huff for - this thing"

"What thing, Y/N?"- Elijah said-"you can tell me - whatever it is - I will not tell a soul."

"Ah, it's nothing to be secretive about - but my mother, who probably is not my mother, surely made it a secret. I don't even know why."- she stopped there and looked at Elijah now-"I am not Greyson Gilbert's daughter, though I am still a Gilbert. Huh - and - maybe I am making a big fuss - like I little girl- but - all these years- ah- nevermind"- Y/N now turned around and started walking to the house.

Elijah went right after her, now saying-

"Don't shut it -"

Y/N walked on replying-

"That's what we do best. Us Gilberts we shut everything down. Why not me?"

Elijah now stopped Y/N putting his hands on her shoulders -

"Because it's not good. Trust me, it's not good."

Y/N took a deep breath. Of course, she knew that it wasn't good. She and all of her family were masters of supressing feelings, pouring it into denials, or different directions- like work in her case or the case of her father, or drink like it was the case of her mother, or drugs as it was Jeremy.

"Oh, I know. It's not like I have not read about dis-functional families - or seen a psychologist. Well, I am about to marry one. Pathetic! Oh, God, it's so pathetic! Great Ms Y/N, the business woman of the year- in reality can handle her own family, her own feelings- everything is such a pathetic mess. I am such a pathetic mess!"

Again she turned away from Elijah and walked quickly to the house, but then for some reason turned away from it and got into her car. Though Elijah was right there behind her, he didn't anticipate her sudden change. The way she drove off, said that she was not in the right mindset. She was heaving some kind of nervous breakdown. 

Elijah quickly got into his car driving off, catching her, but she was driving like a madman, like a professional race driver.

"Damn, Y/N! What are you doing!"- he thought. She shifted, accelarating over 140 miles an hour. In any other situatiin he would be impressed with her driving, as she showed incredible skills on the winding road in front of them. But, the way she was erratic and one slip of the hand or the foot, could be extremely fatal.

To Elijah, who had still been dealing with the race accident, in which Mason Lockwood died, now had all the flashes of the accident play in front of his eyes.

It sure was a mad night. And not only for Elijah and Y/N.              

💘

In Klaus' apartment, just before Aiden called Caroline to tell her about Y/N gone missing.

                 "I think I am falling in love with you."- Caroline said.

Klaus now sat up and looked at the blonde, surprised at the declaration.

"What is it?"- Caroline said-" I know it's like- out of the blue - but- this is really good, and - "

"Look - I - "- Klaus started, but it was enough for Caroline to shoot up from the bed and start getting dressed.

"Why are you - like this?"- Klaus got up as well-"we - said that it's- no strings-"

"Yeah, no strings- ahm- I got to- be somewhere- I am so late on my article for the blog anyway-"

Caroline's phone now rang and she answered-

"Aiden? What's up?"

Aiden now told her about Y/N and her disappearing act.

💘At the Sunny Cove

Just as she shot away, driving for miles and miles up the coast like a maniac, suddenly she decided to stop, in the middle of nowhere.

Elijah, who was on her tail all the time, now shot out of his car -

"WHat THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, Y/N? DO YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?"

"WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT! SO WHAT?"- she shouted back-"AAAAARGH!"

It was like all Hell broke loose, Y/N screamed.

"Nothing. It's all lies, one after another. One huge lie of a family. The sweet perfect Gilbert family is nothing but a huge fat lie. Lie about Mrs Gilbert's drink problem, lie about Jeremy stealing and doing drugs. Lie, image polish. Play happy families for the camera. It's all false. I am false. I am so into playing the big boss, the untouchable Y/N, she can deal with everything. Solve this, solve that, make deals, be on top of your game. You have to be the best, because we are the Gilberts, the best of the best. But we are such a shell of expensive clothes, make up, cars, houses. Nothing! And guess what - Lucien is fucking Aurora- he denies it- but I am sure that they were having sex in that rest room- I am so stupid- so fucking stupid”

Elijah stood there listening to her, letting felt her pain, her feeling powerless, down, sad, lost, angered, useless, all different emotions that whirled together all at once.

He hated that he had shouted at her, but the fear of her hurting herself, or killing herself overcame him. He now apologized for it walking to her.

"Let me be"- Y/N said moving aside.

"I can't. I won't. I love you!"- Elijah said.

Y/N now looked at him with a slight shock at the words said.

"Come on, let me take you home."- Elijah then continued.

"What did you- say?"

"I - yeah- I love you”

“You love me?”

“I do. I have done - since the first time we met- I just- yeah!” - Elijah said again, knowing so well that his timing sucked enormously, but he couldn’t keep his feelings inside him any longer.

Y/N sighed trying to process him revealing what he felt. And like frozen she looked at him, like someone cut her tongue out she kept quiet. Truth was, her own feelings were so jumbled up that she just couldn’t express what she was feeling at all, for him, herself, anyone.

“Come on, let me take you home."- Elijah said letting out a little sigh and gestured to the car.

"I don’t want to go home - I - can’t - face anything- anyone”

"Ok. Then, we can go - back to that house in the cove or - a hotel or- my place?"- Elijah suggested.

"I really don't care. I just - "- she said it quite absent-minded.

Elijah now came to her and gently took her hand-"Come on, let's go."

Y/N gave him a little look, and he saw now numbness setting in. He gently put his arm around her and they both walked to his car. He opened the passenger door and she slipped in. Before getting in the car himself, he made sure Y/N's car is locked, and called Aiden to let him know that she was safe and sound.

"Y/N is with me. She is - ahm- she doesn't want to see anybody - can you - handle it?"

By the way, Elijah's voice was deeply serious, Aiden understood that things were not good.

"Where are you?"

"We are going to my place."- Elijah said.

"Righ. Ok. Call you later."

"Yeah"- Elijah said and then hanging up he started the engine and they set off.

On the way back to the city, he glanced a few times at Y/N, who just glared straight into the night.             

He wished he could take away all the hurt, all that she was going through, away. 

💔💘💌💙

The next morning, Y/N woke up finding herself in a strange bed. She heard whispering voices coming from the small corridor. One of them was Elijah and the other must have been his sister's- Y/N thought. She now got up and went to the door. Opening it, she startled the siblings a bit and Elijah turned to her saying-

"Sorry if we woke up."

"No, I was already awake I - hey"- Y/N now said looking at Davina. 

"Hey- I am Davina."- the girl sort of introduced herself.

"Hi. I am Y/N. But I guess you know that."

"Yeah."- Davina said back now looking at Y/N like she was an extra-terrestrial or something. 

"Bathroom?"- Y/N turned to Elijah now.

Elijah directed her with a hand gesture saying- "down on the right."

"Thank you."- Y/N said and now went to it.

"Y/N is in my house!"- Davina made a mental scream. 

"Go and make coffee"- Elijah sort of nudged his sister.

"All right."- she made a face at him, still somewhat wide-eyed regarding Y/N spending the night at the loft.

Elijah now followed his sister to the kitchen/living room area, taking the bedding from the sofa where he slept on, taking it to the storage room. 

"Shall I make some pancakes?"- Davina asked-"I wanted to buy some bagels. We are all out of OJ, too. She probably doesn't even eat anything like that in the morning."

"I don't think she will stay for breakfast."- Elijah  said. His phone rang and he now answered it-

"Yes, Aiden. She is ik - no, she is in the bathroom at the moment. Ok. I will tell her."- having finished the conversation Joel hung up and now sat down at the kitchen table. He appeared all calm and collected, but deep inside he was a bundle of nerves. No matter how much he tried to act rationally, he could not control his heart that was in total anguish. And all because of those three little words that came out the night before. Most inappropriately, but there it was and now he had to deal with them.

Davina poured them all some coffee and made the pancakes, even though, most probably, would not have them. 

The girl was dying to find out how and why Y/N ended up sleeping in their loft, but Elijah was stum. He sipped his coffee and took a bit of the pancake. 

Y/N finally appeared, and Elijah stood up like he was in the army and army general got in the room. 

"How are you?"- he now asked.

"Better. Thank you."- she then smiled a little directing her look at Davina and took the cup of the coffee that was obviously served for her. She then sat down at the table as well.

"I would have made the milk foamy- Davina said-"I know that you like the triple moccachino. I read it somewhere- but we haven't got the machine."

"It's fine. I need a strong black coffee."- Y/N said and after a sip and then added-"This is a great place."

"I did most of the internal designing work here."- Davina said proudly.

"You have a great eye for it. It's contemporary and yet feels so warm and inviting."- Y/N complimented the girl, who rose into the clouds. 

"You really think so?"- Davina couldn't stop gushing in a way.

"Yes."- Y/N took another sip of the coffee. She now turned to Elijah, who was quiet, trying to keep his cool-

"I - will need a lift back - to the house."

"Of course. Whenever you are ready.  Oh, Aiden called and said to call him back."

Y/N nodded a little.

Since she had left her phone behind in the Cove, Elijah now offered his phone and Y/N took it. She got off the table and as she got through to Aiden, she went to the bedroom again to talk in private.

"She loves the place! And she said that I am goood!"- Davina gushed some more as Y/N exited the living room space. Taken in by the compliments, not thinking she now took her phone wanting to write to her friends about it.

Elijah now took her phone out of his sister's hands and said-

"You can't tell anyone that Y/N was here. I told you earlier, that it's - she just - it's complicated.

"I can see that. I am not stupid."- Davina said grabbing the phone back.

"I never said that. It's just you - sometimes you act before you think. Especially with messages on instagram etc."

Davina wanted to say something back at her brother, but now the doorbell went and both of them jumped somewhat surprised as they didn't expect anyone. 

Elijah got up and went to open the door. 

"Is Y/N still here?"- Caroline said.

"Yes."- Elijah said after the little startle, then gestured to the blonde to come in. He knew that Aiden must have spilled the beans about Y/N's location, which he could not oppose to. Caroline was Y/N's best friend after all.

As Caroline walked in the living room area, shooting a look of approval at the place, Y/N walked also in from the bedroom corridor.

"Hey you!"- Caroline now turned to Y/N, who was not surprised to see her friend there, as she just had heard from Aiden that Caroline was on the way and that he had to tell her where she was.

Caroline being impulsive as she was now went into the scolding mood with her best friend, forgetting that they had an audience.

"I was worried sick. We all were. Like- what happened? What - did she do this time?"- she obviously referred to Isobel.

Y/N now made a grimace saying to the blonde that she didn't want to speak. Not at this very moment.

"Ok. Yes. Sorry.- Caroline said in understanding voice. 

Y/N now turned to Elijah, and giving him his phone back said-

"I will go with Caroline. Aiden said that the car is being towed back. Thanks for taking care of that."

"No problem."- Elijah said.

And there, silence, tension filling up the air around, made both Caroline and Davina suddenly click that they were two people too many in the room and excusing themselves, the let them be on their own for a second.

The awkwardest of silences now raised up between them.

 Y/N now spoke first-

"Thank you for - last night and I apologize again for having caused such- for being so out of it- thanks for everything."

"Y/N- you don't have to- things happen- too much happened lately- and yeah-"

"Yes, too much happened - and I really need to refocus- get myself back on track- and- you- the job is safe- I am not like that. Last night I don't know why I - never wanted to - use you"

"I know."- Elijah said. His stomach churning, as she looked at him with a mixture of painful angst and yet some mellowness -

"Yeah. right- oook-"- Y/N now took a deep breath and she turned halfway to go and then looked at him now very seriously. There was the matter of I love you said by Elijah that she had to now address. It was only fair, she thought.

 " I - my feelings are just such a mess. And I need to figure things out and - yeah- I got to go."- saying that Y/N now walked out of the loft leaving Elijah feeling like a dagger was shoved right into his heart.