#why yes feeling lost and meaningless is why i was having a breakdown in the bathroom at work today 💕

[babyspacebatclone]

I shall simply contribute “Yes, this is powerfully emotionally accurate to my own experiences, ouch.”

And provide the image transcript below cut.

The post contains three images, which are photographs of the text of a physical book. The second image in particular shows warping of the text due to the page sloping into the spine.

(first image begins mid sentence:)

… and socially withdrawn, and I truly believed I did not need other people. I'd moved to the city for graduate school and figured I could pour all my energy into classes and research and think of nothing else.

Solitude had worked pretty well for me up to that point. I had excelled academically, and living a "life of the mind" kept me from worrying too much about my many problems. I had an eating disorder that had ravaged my digestive system, and gender dysphoria that made me resent how other people saw me, though I didn't yet understand why. I didn't know how to approach people or initiate conversations, and I didn't care to learn, because most interactions left me feeling irritated and unheard. The few relationships I did have were enmeshed; I took responsibility for others problems, tried to manage their emotions for them, and lacked any capacity to say "no" to unreasonable requests. I didn't know what I wanted out of life, other than to become…

(second image)

a professor. I didn't want a family, I didn't have hobbies, and I believed I was incapable of really being loved. But I was getting good grades and my intellect earned me a lot of praise, so I just focused on those strengths. I pretended all the rest was a meaningless distraction.

When graduate school began, I rarely went out with my new class-mates. The few times I did, I had to get completely hammered to over come my inhibitions and seem "fun." Otherwise I spent whole weekends alone in my apartment, reading journal articles and falling down strange internet rabbit-holes. I didn't let myself have hobbies. I barely exercised or cooked. I’d occasionally hook up with people if I wanted sex or even just a little attention, but every interaction was impassive and rote. I had no sense of myself as a multifaceted human being.

By winter of that year I'd turned into a lonely, isolated wreck. I’d spend an hour sitting in the shower while the hot water rained down on me, lacking the will to stand up. I had trouble speaking to other people. I couldn't think of any research ideas and lost all interest in what I was studying. One of my supervisors chewed me out for rolling my eyes at her during meetings. At night bone-shaking sobs of despair and overwhelm would overtake me, and I'd pace around my room, whimpering and striking myself in the temples with the heels of my hands. My solitude had somehow become imprisoning, but I was too lacking in social skills or emotional self-awareness to get myself out of it.

I couldn't understand how I'd gotten myself into that miserable position. How was I supposed to know I needed friends, and a life?

How could I go about connecting with others, when every effort was so unsatisfying? What did I actually enioy or care about? Around people, I felt I had to censor every natural reaction, and pretend to have interests and feelings that were normal. Plus, people were so over whelming. They were all so loud and erratic, their eyes like painful laser beans boring into me. All I wanted to do was sit in the dark and not be bothered or judged.

I believed something was fundamentally wrong with me I seemed…

(third image)

to be broken in ways I couldn't explain, but which everyone else could see at a glance. I spent several more years languishing like this, working myself to the point of burnout, having emotional breakdowns, relying on romantic partners for social contact and a sense of worthiness, and googling things like "how to make friends" in the middle of the night. Through it all, I never considered asking for help or sharing with anyone how I felt. I lived by a very narrow set of rules, and remaining independent and invulnerable was chief among them.

I read the Introduction to Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price tonight

i finally feel heard:

[tyonfs]

dunk shot! nct series

basketball is a rough, grueling sport, but why is the team so gorgeous? the boys love the thrill of the sport, the way their shoes skid against the court, the strain of their muscles after practice, and, of course, the raging parties. however, what they crave more than the sweet taste of the victory is a shot at love. 

GENRES ▸ smut, crack, fluff, college au, jock au

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, alcohol consumption, sexual content (smut)

AUTHOR’S NOTE ▸ deciding to take on this series took a lot of thought, but i’m glad i’m doing it! the storylines are loosely connected but you can read them all separately! ♡ send me an ask or comment to be added to the tag list!

LAST UPDATED ▸ may 25th, 2023

❝ jesus, mark, if you’re not going to read the room at least sparknote it.❞

PAIRING ▸ jeong jaehyun x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ friends to enemies to lovers, college au, sports, friends with benefits, smut, crack, fluff

WARNINGS ▸ sexual !! tension !! lots of it, smut (public sex, fingering, hate sex, raw sex, pool sex, oral sex), mark lee cockblocking, also yes, there’s actual fluff

SUMMARY ▸ there was no one else on the planet that made your blood boil like jeong jaehyun did. you never thought your feelings toward him were anything past pure hatred, but when you were lost in the feeling of his lips on yours and his hands on your body, you couldn’t help but think that maybe a part of you didn’t completely hate his guts.

STATUS ▸ on court

❝ rule number one of bro code states that sisters are completely off-limits, and, y/n, we just pushed that limit. ❞

PAIRING ▸ na jaemin x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, crack, fluff, college au, friends with benefits au

WARNINGS ▸ lots of !! sexual tension !! and jaemin acting like a dick, protective big brother!jaehyun, lots of sneaking around, jaemin calls you princess a lot, teasing, fingering, alcohol consumption, hooking up, thigh riding, smut, oral sex, aftercare

SUMMARY ▸ tired of meaningless hookups and dull parties, na jaemin had always been hesitant to indulge himself. that is, of course, until he met you. however, upon realizing you’re none other than jeong jaehyun’s little sister, jaemin has to keep his relationship with you under wraps to make sure his team captain doesn’t find out.

STATUS ▸ on court

❝ word has it that yuta nakamoto is the new pink. personally, i think whoever came up with that is deeply disturbed. ❞

PAIRING ▸ yuta nakamoto x fem!reader (ft. wong yukhei)

GENRES ▸ slow burn, smut, crack, fluff, angst, college au, enemies to lovers, summer romance au, mutual pining 

WARNINGS ▸ reader is super shallow at first but !! character development, mentions of family issues, sexual tension, love triangle, yuta and reader bickering all the time, teasing, sneaking around, corruption kink, yuta calls you princess and kitten, fingering, exhibitionism, oral (fem. receiving), i promise it’s fluffy after the angst

SUMMARY ▸ despite having everything in the palm of your hand, you soon realized that not everything could be won over by money and your jaw-dropping looks. unfortunately, you had to come to that conclusion when your birthday present was the bane of your existence, yuta nakamoto.

STATUS ▸ on court

❝ i must be an absolute idiot because i can’t stop thinking about this girl i’ve never seen or met in person. ❞

PAIRING ▸ lee jeno x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, crack, fluff, college au, friends to lovers

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, smut, rest is tba

SUMMARY ▸ somewhere in the middle of being one of the best players on the basketball team and being a nearly perfect student, lee jeno just wanted to find love. however, he didn’t expect to find it through a mental breakdown and a wrinkled flyer on a bullet board. lee jeno meets you, full of snapple facts and outlooks on life that make him, a neuroscience major, stop to think. he didn’t expect to start falling for someone volunteering for a hotline made for someone’s senior project, and he sure didn’t foresee how hard he was falling.

STATUS ▸ benched

❝ so we’re going to make out but in a platonic way? was this in the contract? ❞

PAIRING ▸ liu yangyang x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, crack, fluff, college au, friends to lovers, fake dating au

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, smut, rest is tba

SUMMARY ▸ your best friend, liu yangyang, was always by your side to help you. what surprised you, however, was how he agreed to pretend to be your boyfriend so that your parents would stop pestering you to date someone. thus, the boyfriend contract was created, but it was only a matter of time before the lines started blurring between you and your best friend.

STATUS ▸ benched

❝ go ahead and ask your questions, but i want you to ride my thigh while you do. ❞

PAIRING ▸ johnny suh x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, fluff, crack, college au, sports au, journalist au, fuckbuddies to lovers

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, sexual tension, lots of teasing and flirty banter, smut (this is so self indulgent), dirty talk, oral sex (fem. receiving), squirting, orgasm denial, praise, kinda degradation, thigh riding, fingering, sex in front of a mirror, steamy scene in a shower, johnny is actually very soft, alcohol consumption, mentions of drugs, ft. annoying best friends chenle, jisung, and mark

SUMMARY ▸ when you get the biggest scoop on one of the sports teams, you’re determined to get in on the front page of the school newspaper. unfortunately, your only lead is the basketball team’s captain, johnny suh, and not only is he a tough nut to crack, but he’s also a little too good at distracting you.

STATUS ▸ on court

❝ this thing cries? god, what a cockblock. ❞

PAIRING ▸ mark lee x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, fluff, crack, angst, college au, sort of a fake dating au, sort of a roommate au

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, sexual tension, mark is a virgin, reader is a born again virgin(??), dirty talk, big dick mark agenda, golden hour reference ifykyk, oral (m. receiving), protected sex this time, also no real babies were endangered during the marriage and baby project just a robot one

SUMMARY ▸ mark lee has had the biggest crush on you for years, so, naturally, he’s over the moon when you’re both partnered for a group project. however, he underestimates just how close two people can get when they have to pretend they’re married for a month while taking care of a fake baby.

STATUS ▸ on court

GENERAL TAG LIST ▸ @papiiimark @jaehy9ngs @chanluster @jjhmk @marksflute @superhajimark @jeongyoonohs @marklexleaf @dnylwoo @kpop-bambi @miyrisa @jjikyuu @venesiun @seventeeneration @chenosaurus16 @kylomeyon @infnteen @ohmarkly @weish5n @thejeongjaehyun​ @lovesjenmoong​ @infnteen​ @wownajaemin​ @haruharux23 @pewpewpwe00 @scxrlettkx @pckeia @keijikunn @sapiowoman28 @atiny-doodles @loki-in-hogwarts @baekhyuns-lipchain @repjaehyn @chan-s-laptop @jen0zen @michplusb @yutassecrettime @minkis-simp​ @dreamyyang​ @catscoffeeandkpop​ @ahgastayzen​ @ryu-naa​ @i-kai​ @liliansun​

being added to this tag list means you will be mentioned in the tag list of all of the fics listed in the series

[imekitty]

10 and 12 for the writer ask game? i'm vvv curious since you're one of my favorite authors <3

Thank you, that's so sweet! <3

10. Why do you continue writing fics?

This is very interesting phrasing lol. Well, I guess I should start by saying that I wrote my first Danny Phantom fanfiction in 2006 and was decently active in my writing throughout that year, then I very suddenly lost my courage (had a breakdown) and completely stopped writing or publishing anything in 2008. And then in 2017, I started writing and publishing again, and I haven't stopped since.

I continue writing fics now because it gives me a way to practice my writing and share it immediately with others, and I know others will actually read it because this fandom might not be as big as it used to be, but it's still amazingly strong. I also love exploring things about myself through my writing, my thoughts and feelings and aspirations and inspirations. I love being able to experiment in ways I never would in my original fiction. I continue writing for all the great interaction I get, all the people who reach out to me telling me they feel "guilty" for liking my fics and me telling them well, we can be guilty together, then.

I keep writing because I want to give Danny all the things I don't have but also I want to put him through so much pain so he can feel worse than I do.

Fanfiction is therapy for me in many ways. Gives me something to look forward to every day. Gives me a reason to keep living because I want so much to finish all of my fics and share them with everyone. It's maybe a meaningless contribution to the world in the grand scheme of it all, but it makes a few people happy, and that's enough for me right now.

-----

12. What is your favorite theme/subject matter/trope/ship to write about? Why?

I have many, but I will talk about the one that I am currently most popular for, which is the toxic relationship between Danny and Maddie. I just love mother/son bonds in general, like mama's boys, yes, sign me up, that's always so good lol. And I am just so very intrigued by how clearly Maddie favors Danny over Jazz in the show and how that foils her views toward Phantom. I especially love writing her being super affectionate with Phantom because even when she's a scientist, she's still a mother, and she loves being a mother even more than she loves being a scientist. But her passion for both do come into conflict sometimes, and that is just so much fun.

And of course, I do love the experimentation/vivisection trope, like I am just so thrilled with how perfect DP is for that. I really enjoy torture movies like the Saw series, and DP has the most amazing setup for its own unique brand of torture. And finding ways to describe that kind of torture is a challenge but rewarding. Because I never just want to gloss over it, no, I want to explain exactly how it feels, inside and out, physically and emotionally.

[friendlylocalwhumper]

Quinn has made a lot of mistakes in their life. Done cruel things, made decisions that would cost lives. Abandoned people to suffer. Pushed friends who were already close to the edge so they’d have a breakdown. Picked at difficult memories and stressors until someone innocent was a sobbing mess.

As they stare down into the drum of the washing machine to assess the carnage of the shredded teddy bear, Quinn grimly thinks that this is one of the worst things they’ve ever done.

The walk from the laundry room to the living room is a march to the gallows, slow and pensive. It wasn’t a good call to put that stuffed animal in the washing machine. It needed to be hand-washed - or better yet, left alone entirely. Maybe they were taking out some kind of revenge on its owner for needing something childish to cuddle up to for comfort. Maybe they were too focused on cleaning and completing tasks instead of considering the feelings and needs of another, as Quinn has been known to do.

They find Jo sitting on the couch, folded up small and napping upright. Even when there is no cage for them to cower in, Jo manages to keep themself small as if invisible metal grating is hugging their sides. They are a fragile weed daring stupidly to grow from a crack in the floor of a cold, haunted alley. There is contempt on the face of the magic user looking over them.

Until the sound of heavy beads clattering around in the washer echoes in their mind. They were tempted, upon first hearing the sound, to write off the loss of the teddy bear as meaningless. It’s expensive, as stuffed animals go, but wouldn’t be hard to replace. It was dirty, so washing it wasn’t a ridiculous idea. And all material things are arguably meaningless.

But Quinn knows that what matters isn’t the bear itself.

They sit slowly on the couch, watching as Jo wakes quickly. They sleep often, but wake instantly at any change in the room around them. Jo is a survivor who seems like they’ll never be convinced that it’s any safer out here than it was in their cage.

“Jo,” Quinn greets neutrally. Round green eyes brimming with uncertainty lock onto their face in search of danger.

“Quinn?” It’s hardly speech. More of a squeak. Someone cruel would smile at the sound, which is why Quinn nearly grimaces at it.

“I have something to tell you.”

The technically accurate but ominous sentence has Jo folding up smaller, hiding their hands between their thighs and their chest. “Okay.”

“Give me your hand.” Quinn pauses, then adds, “Please.”

“Yes-” Jo hurries to obey, their whole arm shaking. “But… why?”

“I’m just going to hold it. I have to tell you something that might make you sad, and you’ll handle it better if your hand is being held.”

They take the other’s frail hand. Jo’s hands are always cold. Quinn cups it carefully and looks right in their aggravatingly doe-like eyes.

“It’s about your stuffed bear.”

Jo jerks, their free hand suddenly patting at their side, along the crease of the couch. “He’s not here. Did he fall?”

“He didn’t fall.”

“Did I leave - leave him somewhere I wasn’t supposed to? I’m sorry, I can get him!”

“No, Jo. Look at me.” Verdant eyes that were scouring the room find somber brown ones. Quinn takes a steadying breath. “I… washed him for you.”

There is still anxiety in that face, but hope mixes in with it now. “Oh. Thank you. Is he dry yet? Can I - can I have him back, please?”

The hope is shallow, thin. Jo’s voice cracked on that tremulous question. Maybe they can read Quinn’s expression, their tone.

“No, you can’t.”

The hand that was patting around in search for the stuffed animal retreats. It looks at first like it’ll be pinned to their chest again for safety, but instead it’s pressed to their stomach. Jo’s countenance holds nothing short of devastation.

“Why?” It’s whispered, tempered. Quinn has never once seen Jo step out of line, never seen them react fully and freely.

“It… he’s damaged. I put him in the washer, and it… he’s… not in one piece anymore. I don’t think it can be fixed.”

Jo is locking themself down. Bottling up their pain and locking it away before they can be caught letting it spill out. Plump tears bead on their lashes, their bottom lip wobbling. There is no way to muster up frustration toward Jo right now as they process their grief. Quinn squeezes Jo’s hand gently.

“I am so sorry for your loss,” Whispers Quinn, and those big tears fall in thin tracks down freckled cheeks. Jo takes a shuddery breath, trying to remain quiet, but then their face screws up and they pull their hand out of Quinn’s to hide their face.

“You to-ook, took, took him away…” Wet sniffles and chest-deep sobs don’t evoke anything in Quinn except for a dense ache in their chest. No distaste, no urge to leave so Jo can be messy in private. “Took him away, and… and I’ll never see him again…”

It’s not about the teddy bear. The sobs spilling out of Jo are the wretched grief of someone who lost more than they could ever put to words.

“He didn’t have a name, I didn’t give him a name, please give… give him back, let me ha-ave him…”

“I can’t.” Quinn tries to lay a comforting hand on their shoulder, but Jo flinches back, hiding under their own slender limbs. “I… wish I could, Jo. I can get you a new one. For a little more money, you can get a heavier one, it’s supposed to help with the… with the grief.”

“I want him, I-I want him back, please give him back, Quinn, please!” A miserable hiccuping fit settles in to punctuate the sobs. “Gi-ive, give him, you can’t, he was mine, he was, I-I, I co-ould’ve been good, been a good…”

Regardless of Jo’s taut fear and progressive attempts to hide from touch right now, Quinn wraps them up in a hug. They squeeze and lean their weight until Jo feels grounded enough to sob openly, hidden under their own body and someone else’s.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Quinn repeats. “I know what happened. I’m sorry you lost him.”

Wetness reaches Quinn’s knee, soaked into their pants. They wonder how much you have to cry for tears to spread across a couch cushion like that. They wonder if anyone has ever cried as hard as Jo is right now.

“We’ll get you a new one. It won’t be the same, I know. Until you have it, though… when you need that weight, the contact, ask me for a hug. I’m not very… cuddly, I know. But I owe you for this. Tell me you’ll ask when you need it, Jo.”

“I, I… I will.”

It’s pure fear, despair. Obedience. Jo has barely started their recovery. Quinn can only hope that they can help when Jo does ask for it. They will pay whatever it takes to get a new weighted teddy bear delivered today. It may cost four times what the bear itself is priced at, but Jo needs it. They need it so badly.

It’s not about the bear, Quinn knows. But a teddy bear is the best that Jo is going to get.

[missmarthanightingale]

so i’m rewatching s11 bc i wanted to figure out some stuff about ryan, but then i got distracted by my obsession with jodie’s doctor, so here are some Thoughts about how & why she doesn’t discuss her past over the course of the first four episodes.

in twwfte, she comes crashing through the train roof an amnesiac.  she remembers some things, but very little about herself - not even her name!  but she’s also very open at the start, cheerfully sharing whatever information she does have, even talking in some depth about what regeneration feels like which has literally Never Happened.  she’s not hiding at all.  at some point in the leadup to the confrontation with t’zim-sha on the crane, she remembers exactly who she is, & doesn’t shy away from it.  she is utterly herself in that moment.

but then grace dies.

grace dying, the doctor remembering, & the immediate crisis ending all happen more or less simultaneously, which makes it a bit tricky to analyze what went down.  the doctor was pretty open about sharing stuff before regaining her memories, but that was very much on her terms; by the time things have calmed down enough for people to be asking her questions, circumstances have changed.  but here’s what i think happened.

the doctor was still fucked up about bill & missy when they regenerated, but tuat had set them on the path towards healing.  she immediately encounters grace, who is brave & brilliant & who takes care of her, more than the others do, & who is kind of enjoying this adventure, quite visibly.  throughout the episode, the doctor is open, enthusiastic & largely optimistic.  she’s like this right up until grace dies the same night they met, doing exactly the brave, reckless sort of thing that one would expect the doctor’s companions to do.

after her confrontation with t’zim-sha, the next shot of the doctor is when she finds the others gathered around grace’s body, with ryan breaking down while graham tries to hold him, looking up at the doctor with a heart-wrenching expression on his face; not blame, not at all, but shock & grief which she can’t help but respond to.  this is an awful reminder of what happened with bill, & now the person she connected with most over the episode is gone.  this is the point where ryan, graham, & by automatic extension yaz, stop being her allies & relative equals.  they’re something she’s Responsible for, instead, & not in the sense that companions are.

by the time they start asking questions, she’s about ready to move on.  she has no intention on seeing these people again; she likes them well enough, but as far as she’s concerned they’re a temporary presence in her life.  if she was going to invite anyone along, it would have started with grace, & it died with grace, because i don’t think she’d ever have chosen to travel with people who’d lost something because of her.  why burden these temporary strangers with the weight & complexity of The Doctor, especially when she doesn’t really want to get into it anyway?  she’s leaving soon, so what would be the point.

& then, of course, she goes & takes them with her.

the number one goal in ghost monument is to get to the tardis & get her accidental kidnappees home.  that is explicitly what the doctor wants to accomplish in this episode.  they are even more her Responsibility than they were before, they are not there on purpose or by choice, they are still temporary presences.  so she doesn’t share, beyond the fairly meaningless anecdotes the doctor constantly throws out to perfect strangers, & she maintains an aggressively cheerful demeanour.  she’s treating them not as her companions but as Plucky Civilians Of The Week, because as far as she’s concerned that’s what they are.  of course they’re more than that, her minor breakdown & the emotional support they provide at the end is proof enough, not to mention she’s already coaching them in Appropriate Tactics for Associates Of The Doctor, but she is not ready to accept that yet, especially in the aftermath of grace & bill dying.

which is probably why the tardis then refuses to bring them home!

they end up in, what, 14 other places before landing in rosa?  the tardis is definitely doing that on purpose, forcing the doctor to grow attached to these people whether she likes it or not, & encouraging them to grow attached to her in turn.  it’s clearly working, since this episode involves her trusting them enough to send them off on their own, but she’s still in denial here, telling them that she needs to handle something here & they’re welcome to wait in the tardis while she does it.  this is really a ‘let me run a quick errand on the way’ scenario.  she still fully intends to take them home & leave them there, even if she might be starting to regret the necessity.

& it all culminate in arachnids, where she gets them home.  the tardis’ plan has worked, with both sides extremely hesitant to let that be the end of things.  yaz invites her for tea & she literally cannot say yes fast enough.  they get tugged on the sleeve by a mystery & none of them can stop themselves from diving headlong into it.  but still she can’t ask them to come with her, instead resigning herself to travelling alone.  they have to ask her, & before she accepts she gives them a warning.

that’s the closest she comes to telling them about herself.  warning them that she might not be able to keep them safe, implying that she’s failed to protect others like she failed to protect grace.  did they hear her?  maybe.

but it took so long to decide that they were going to stay.  they’ve already settled into their dynamic, & the doctor doesn’t want to damage that.  she likes the dynamic they have going, she definitely doesn’t want to rock the boat with difficult revelations at this stage, when she’s so suddenly been saved from the prospect of travelling alone.  at this point it’s just easier to keep the charade going, which she’ll keep up for the rest of the season, trying all at once to escape her past & keep from scaring her friends & avoid complicated questions which might end up with her all alone.

anyway, since this is clearly going to be a theme in s12, i thought it might be a nice time to look back at how it started!

[more-pokeimagines]

Hello, can i request a drabble of angst? Can i get Hop and s/o having a big fight the day before s/o's final, and Hop says something very hurtful like: "I wish i would have never met you, i would have been in the finals and be the champion" and s/o is just like, having a silent mental breakdown. Then, the next day, s/o just disapeared into thin air, no trace of her, everyone looking for her, but nothing.. And here's Hop, all alone,regretting everything he said and wishing they would come back.

This was a great request, thank you! Hope you have fun reading. 

Mistakes – Hop x reader (angst)

Today could have been the most exciting day in your life. A few days ago you actually finished your Gym Challenge and now you finally had the chance to challenge the current champ, Leon. You had dreamed about that battle for months, always trying to imagine how it would feel to be just one step away from maybe becoming the champ yourself. The final battle was scheduled for tomorrow but you were already a nervous wreck. Your hands were shaking, your heart was racing and every attempt to calm yourself down failed miserably.

From the windows of your hotel room, you could easily spot the arena in the distance. Usually you would have been happy about the view but today it only made you more nervous.

With a sigh you turned away from the window and continued pacing around the room. There was no way that you’d be able to sit down and relax right now. “What if I lose and make an absolute fool of myself? I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of so many people.”

Your boyfriend Hop who was lounging around on the bed didn’t look up from the magazine in front of him. “You won’t lose,” he said. You sighed again. “How can you be so sure about that? Your brother is an incredible trainer!”

“Because you had no difficulties with beating me and I’m an incredible trainer too.”You stopped your pacing and turned around, so that you could face him. He had a smile on his face but you could see that it was fake. And there had definitely been an annoyed undertone in his voice. You knew that he hated it when you worried too much but somehow, you also knew that this wasn’t the only reason for his bad mood. For a second you wondered if he was still upset because he lost against you and had to be knocked out from the competition as a result.

You had started your Gym Challenge together and since the day you both got your first badge, there had been a playful rivalry between the two of you but it never even occurred to you that Hop took that a lot more serious than you always assumed.

“Really?” you asked. “You’re still upset because you lost? It’s really not that big of a deal, Hop. I mean… you can challenge your brother anytime you want, can’t you?”

Hop fiddled with the pages of the magazine for a bit before finally lifting his head to look at you. He took a deep breath. “That’s not the same.”

“Why not?”

“Because he might not be the champ anymore when your battle is over!” Hop exclaimed. “Don’t you understand that I always wanted to contend for the title with my brother? But because of you all of that is meaningless now!”

For a moment you could only stare at him. When he put it that way it almost sounded like you ruined his whole life just because he had lost a battle against you. It was absolutely ridiculous! It wasn’t your fault that he misjudged the situation and therefore failed to beat you.

“Are you serious?” you asked, your voice shaking just the tiniest bit. You could already feel tears welling up in your eyes and blinked. “It’s still about that battle? It wasn’t my intention to ruin your perfect plan, I’m sorry that you think it was.”

“You knew how much I wanted to be in the final!”

“And you know that I never lose on purpose! Come on, it’s not like the world is going to end just because you can’t challenge Leon in the final.”

You still couldn’t believe it. Hop was acting like a child and while you could understand that he was upset because he had always dreamed of being in the finals, you had no idea why he couldn’t get over it and just be happy for you instead – especially since he had promised you that he would always support you, no matter what, when the two of you started your Gym Challenge.

Hop let out an angry snort. “You don’t understand anything! It was my idea to do the challenge together and now look what that did for me! Damn it, (Y/N), I wish I had never met you. I would have been in the final if it wasn’t for you!”

He regretted the words as soon as they were out but now it was too late to take them back. The room was deadly silent as the two of you stared at each other. Hop could see the pain on your face, the tears that glittered in your eyes. “(Y/N), I…”

“No,” you interrupted him. You didn’t want to hear his excuses, not after he just offended your feelings in the worst way possible. Then, before he had the chance to say something to make it right again, you turned around and stormed out of the room. When the door clicked shut behind you, Hop realized that just he had made the worst mistake in his life.

*

You didn’t show up for the scheduled battle. After Hop had spent the whole morning looking for you he had silently hoped that he would have the chance to talk to you and apologize after your battle with Leon but when he arrived at the arena and his brother told him that he hadn’t seen you yet, Hop felt even worse than before. He knew that it was his fault that you had disappeared. If he only could turn back time…

He had said horrible things. And it wasn’t even true; meeting you was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he still was head over heels in love with you. Yes, he had been upset because he lost against you but putting the blame on you had been incredibly unfair. Why didn’t he think his words over before spitting them out? He never meant to hurt you but now it was too late. The damage was done, you had left him and all he could do was hoping that you’d come back.

Sitting around and waiting for you without even knowing if you were really planning on coming back was the most horrible thing Hop had ever experienced. He was worried beyond measure, wondering non-stop if something had happened to you because he was absolutely sure that you would never miss your battle. Or did his words really make you withdraw from the competition?

Just the mere thought made him feel even more guilty. He never wanted to ruin your Gym Challenge, especially not your battle with Leon but yesterday he had been so overcome with anger that he didn’t care if his words hurt you. Still, it had been a horrible mistake to vent his frustration on you.

Hop flinched when someone put his hand on his shoulder. When he gazed up, he saw his brother Leon looking down at him, an encouraging expression on his face. “Don’t worry,” he said and softly squeezed Hop’s shoulder. “(Y/N)’s gonna come back.”

Hop could only hope that Leon would be proved right. 

[dawniebb]

Thoughts about Renegades

ALRIGHT FOLKS, TAKE A SEAT BC I’M ABOUT TO KICK MYSELF OUT OF THIS FANDOM :’)

Not really

But I’m going to rant for a while so perhaps you can go grab a snack or something :’)

So…I LOVE Renegades and I always will but I’ve been thinking about some of the things that seem…off to me. Not that they’re a big deal ofc (because I love Renegades in a really dumb and blind way) but some of them are quite unpopular opinions among the fandom, so I’m finally going to share them in case someone out there feels the same way X’DDDDD

They’re not in any particular order. Here we go:

- I completely stan the idea of Nova and Oscar and Nova and Callum being brotp material, but I stan Nova and Callum way more, not because I don’t like Nova and Oscar, but because I think it was genuinely good (and healthy) for Nova to have a friend out of Adrian’s circle. I mean, she’s been isolated most of her life now, and when I realized she finally had someone of her own… like, a person she met with whom she connected without Adrian introducing them to her, was a HUGE step. Callum is one of my favorite characters in the whole series, and when the t h i n g  happened I was devastated for MYSELF *sobs* but also because MM took him away from Nova. She opened to him more than she ever opened to Oscar throughout the three books. Sorry not sorry :’).

- AS A YOUNG ADULT (I’LL BE 20 IN MAY, YOU GUYS) let me tell you that all these dumbasses act like completely normal teenagers and all their shitty decisions sound like something I would’ve done when I was their age. Actually, the Team Sketch really reminds me of my own circle of friends. I’ve seen you guys complain about Adrian acting extremely dumb for his age but GUYS HE’S FUCKING 17. WHEN I WAS 17 I WAS AS CLUELESS AS HIM. ALL MY FRIENDS WERE. AND IT WAS SO STUPID IT HURT BUT SHIT BE LIKE THAT SOMETIMES. I was the Nova among them. That is: I joined their group hella late and one of the guys became my crush. I was so dumb I told him he was my crush when I was defeated on the floor with a dislocated knee because I was having a breakdown and I legit thought I was D Y I N G. Teenagers.Are.Like.That.

- HOWEVER, EVEN IF I JUST SAID ALL OF THAT….And I want to believe all of you agree with me: I don’t justify Oscar. It’s okay being a dumb teenager, but you can’t just ask your crush to be your girlfriend during a PUBLIC EXECUTION. That wasn’t romantic. At all. If I were Ruby I would’ve been really offended, no joke. (AT LEAST WHEN I TOLD *MY* CRUSH WHILE I THOUGHT MY LEG WAS GOING TO BE AMPUTATED, WE WERE IN CHORUS CLASS. ALL THE GUYS WERE SINGING TO ME BC THEY THOUGHT THAT WOULD CALM ME DOWN. IT WAS A GROSS AND ODDLY SWEET MOMENT, YOU KNOW?).

- I feel like Ruby is…I’m not going to say mistreated, but…Idk. I feel like she’s trying her best and she’s kind to everyone in the group and in some parts of the books they just…forget about her :’). (This may be Marissa’s fault, though). Which makes me really sad, because she’s genuinely sweet and I felt like she was the most welcoming to Nova since the very beginning (Apart from Adrian, of course).

- I’m part of the “Leroy switched sides at some point” squad, but at the same time I believe he’s just very, VERY chaotic neutral and (I’m never giving up on this) since he loved Nova, he would just stick to the side where they promised to keep her safe, even if that meant being jumping back and forth between the Renegades and the Anarchists.

- I ALSO BELIEVE WINSTON MAH BOI SAW A LOT OF HIMSELF IN NOVA. To my particular point of view, his mental state was the most stable when she moved with them. He unconsciously tried to stop her from becoming what he’d become and the Anarchists realized that, so when they found Ace’s little human weapon being threatened, they just teared her away from Winston, which caused his mental health to go downhill again until he ended up all psychotic (which is how we got to meet him during Renegades).

- Honey had way more complicated issues than just being “evil”. Yes. She’s dead. And me defending her won’t make her less dead. And I know she got what she deserved because she was…completely out of control and Marissa tends to kill those who are too far gone (take Levana as an example). But I think that if she hadn’t neglected her own mental health so much she would’ve had a chance; Honey had good in her :’) maybe, before meeting Ace, she was a different person. Like, it’s mentioned she grew up in a small farm. I think she fell in love with him at some point and, by the way he talks to her sometimes, I’m *almost* sure he knew that, so he tried to take advantage of the situation to keep her in line, even though he had no intention to reciprocate her feelings. Sure, Honey is a manipulative brat, but she’s a hundred times worse when she knows Ace is around or when she knows she has a chance to get him back (she goes batshit crazy in the cathedral, you know?). Ace was a power-hungry sociopath/psychopath and she was a depressed, also power-hungry woman who was in love with him. And that’s a BAD combination. Honey Harper was hopeless… and I think she even showed some signs of Stockholm Syndrome.

- Still, Honey and Nova’s relationship reminds me a lot of my relationship with my dad. Theirs was a toxic relationship, but since I’ve been through that (still going through that), I refuse to believe it will be easy for Nova to overcome her death *that* easily. They loved each other in a…violent, weird way, but Honey was Nova’s mother more than Tala ever got the chance to be (because Ace took that opportunity away from her) and if Honey hadn’t been so –like I mentioned before- hopeless, they could’ve fixed their relationship until it was normal and healthy, because Honey showed signs of loving Nova, and Nova showed signs of loving her.

- Every death in Supernova had a very specific narrative purpose but, even if I hate Evander as much as y’all do, I think his death was done for the sake of the shock factor afgshja like, he died in such a sudden, meaningless way :’).

- Tamaya is nothing but wasted potential. You have a savage, feral, badass woman with w i n g s and the only thing she does is getting her fucking face burned and throwing fists with entitled teenagers.

- I LIVE for Simon and Hugh as couple, but (gosh, saying this makes me feel really guilty) the fact that they didn’t share not even ONE kiss throughout the trilogy made me feel really queerbaited :’). Same thing happened with Danna and Narcissa, but I think that was PLAIN half-assed.

-Why doesn’t Adrian has Simon’s last name as well? :’)

- ADRIAN NEEDS THERAPY AS MUCH AS NOVA DOES. LET’S BREAK THIS DOWN, HERE WE GO:

*So, we know that Marissa Meyer’s male characters are always really sweet and kind and wholesome and omg :’)…and then there’s fucking Jacin (whom I love, but that doesn’t minimize the fact he shall burn in hell X’DDDD) . I mean, he’s kind…to Winter and Winter only…and Cress…sometimes. When it comes to Winter, he’s capable of a lot, A LOT of things. He comes off as rude many times (especially to Cinder, during Cress) and…yeah. He looks like he could kill you and he could ACTUALLY kill you; I feel like the fandom moves Adrian to …whatever category Kai’s in….but I’m not sure that’s the case. Let’s analyze Cinder’s equivalent to Nova’s bracelet: Peony’s chip; Kai was mad at Cinder, FUCKING mad. But once he kinda figured out Cinder was grieving his sister and keeping the only thing she had left from her for emotional reasons, he didn’t, under any circumstance, no matter how much he hated Cinder at the moment, want that chip to be taken away from her. Kai had lost his father. He KNEW what it felt like and he didn’t want anyone to feel the same way, because he SAW Cinder suffer her little sister’s death. Adrian had lost his mother and he knew Nova had lost both her mother and her father AND her little sister; she had opened up enough to tell him that bracelet was the only thing she had left from her father…and when he learned Nova was Nightmare, instead of interrogating her, taking a sample of her blood or things like that, he straight took her bracelet. Because Adrian was hurt and he wanted her to be hurt too, so he took away the one thing that mattered the most to her and THAT WASN’T VERY KAI OF HIM IF YOU ASK ME. My point is, sadly: Adrian is ABSOLUTELY traumatized due to his mother’s death (who wouldn’t?) and now that he knows he indirectly killed her he will only get WORSE. He hated Nova for being Nightmare just because he thought she had something to do with Georgia’s death, so when things went to shit, he did her in the dirtiest way he could, making her feel hated and unwanted, which were Nova’s delicate spots afgshja…like, Adrian’s capable of a lot of things(just like Jacin). He NEEDS therapy. Now.

- The heated kiss scene during Archenemies is both heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time (besides…you know, heated). Nova’s so touch-starved she gets overwhelmed when Adrian suddenly gives her all the physical affection she didn’t have during her childhood. And…I feel it was a very intimate moment between both of them, because they were physically and emotionally invested and omg. This only makes my previous point (about the bracelet) more horrible, because I can’t imagine how she must’ve felt when he took away her bracelet with so.much.hatred.

-WE DESERVED TO KNOW THE CHANGES THAT WERE MADE TO THE SYSTEM BC TBH THE RENEGADES SYSTEM WAS SHITTY AF… It’s like…they claimed to be against what the Anarchists did but then suddenly they were doing the same things themselves. And I don’t think that’s fair. The Renegades acted as messed up as the Anarchists during Supernova. They wanted to EXECUTE a MINOR who committed MINOR CRIMES. I mean, what did Nightmare even do? Right, she tried to assassinate Hugh but she FAILED, and she neutralized Team Frostbite in SELF-DEFENSE and in Max’s defense.

- Besides, the way Anarchists were treated was...really inhuman. As far as I understand, they didn’t have access to public services or anything like that. What if they needed meds? Where did they get their food from? Did they have, like, fucking running water? Electricity? There are also three women among them and they get *periods*, people, and *period stuff* is expensive as fuck. Like, did they have to steal tampons? And if they did…were they chased because of it? Even though they had no way to get income in a legal way because they were Anarchists and being out there like normal people was against the rules for them? Lol?

- JESUS THAT SYSTEM REALLY NEEDED TO BE CHANGED LMAO AFGSHJA

-Also, Cragmoor? Wtf.

- AND, LAST BUT NOT LEAST, NOT BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT BECAUSE THIS IS TOO LONG ALREADY: It think Nova and Evie have been apart for too long and it’s going to be hard for them to create a bond. They’ll have to get used to it, because it’s going to be confusing for Nova and, given the fact Evie’s personality is…like that, I think she’ll go as far to blame Nova like “But you were SUPPOSED to look for me.”

I rest my case.

[judgmentofcorruption]

Episode 10–The Court Ends; Scene 8

Judgment of Corruption, pages 316-322

--At some point, the mansion had started to burn.

The militia had set fire to it in revenge for their friends burning from those inexplicable flames.

Gallerian took the doll back with him to the study.

There was nowhere left to run.

Whether he jumped outside or remained in here, he didn’t have much longer to live.

“Michelle, I’m—I’m so sorry you got caught up in this,” Gallerian said to the doll.

“—It’s alright. At least I’m with you, Papa.”

Now that he had lost his contract with Adam, Gallerian couldn’t hear that doll’s reply.

Even so, he continued to speak to her. “Still. I am a little bit glad. …As long as I can be here with you, I don’t even fear death.”

“I feel the same, Papa.”

“I wonder, if I had been able to restore you—or if you had been able to grow up without being caught up in that incident--what would you have become…”

“I would have become a judge like you, Papa! And I would have married someone I liked—and had a child.”

“Even if I die now and fall to hell—It won’t be an issue. I have plenty of money. And ‘money is the best lawyer in hell’. And if I have money, I can collect the ‘Vessels of Deadly Sin’, even down there. When I do, I will come to get you. As long as we’re together—No matter where we are, it will be a Utopia, I know it.”

“Yeah!”

As for what would happen to Gallerian after his death—depending on the “Master of the Hellish Yard’s” judgment, he may very well go to hell just as he said.

To contract with a Vessel of Deadly Sin was a grave crime. Even if what was inside of it wasn’t a demon.

And he had committed many other sins besides. He had sacrificed a great many people for the sake of his own happiness, so I was certain that would not be forgiven.

Even if those deeds were done out of one’s own purity, that was still, in the end—greed, Gallerian.

.

There were reasons why Elluka—or rather, Ma, birthed Gallerian.

One of them was so that he would collect the Vessels of Deadly Sin by making him contract with Adam.

But that was ultimately just a bonus to her.

It was something she could have done even without Gallerian.

She simply wished to become pure.

Perhaps to Ma, Gallerian was nothing more than a process by which she could do so.

Ma. Her nickname. There were several meanings to that word.

Sorceress, Mem Aleph (meaning water and beginning), and—mother.

.

The flames steadily began to enclose the house.

Eventually—from this burned out mansion they would find.

The corpse of a solitary “parent”.

.

If I stick around, even I’ll get caught up in the flames.

I’m just a normal bat, so I don’t do well against fire.

I’ve “observed” Gallerian’s life up until now—but that ends today.

I once more set out to fly up to the moon—

“Wait a second.”

.

Gallerian called out to someone.

It wasn’t to the doll. It was to someone else—

.

Yes…he was talking to me.

.

Gallerian’s hand swiftly shot out.

And before I had a chance to flee—he had seized me fast.

“I want to talk to you in the end, before I die,” he said with a grin.

Ridiculous.

There’s no way…that Gallerian could have noticed me.

No one noticed me.

Even if they did, they were supposed to think of me as merely a normal bat.

That—was one of the Rules of the world.

“You’ve always been flying around me. I don’t know when you started—maybe you’ve always been there, from the moment I was born. Weirdly enough, no one outside of me ever seems to notice you there. So eventually I just resolved not to pay you any mind.”

…But if the “Rules of the world” were breaking down?

In other words, these bizarre changes in the world—their manifestation was something brought on by the breakdown of the Rules.

So it wasn’t out of the question for a forest to rapidly dry up, and there was no helping a tiger being born to a human family. Maybe there was even a pattern of humans being born to snakes. Dead soldiers ran amok without any connection to the Demon of Gluttony, nights would be abnormally short or unusually long—

So—

.

There was nothing strange at all about a human appearing who could converse with a “god”

.

“—Yes. I have been observing you this whole time,” I replied honestly.

He seemed able to hear what I was saying.

This wasn’t Adam’s power. That contract had already been severed.

“There are countless people in the world. Why did you choose me?”

“Because you were Elluka’s son. She had impurities mixed up into her will. Including a fragment of the consciousness of a ‘god’ that’s a colleague of mine. That’s why I was interested in you.”

“I see. Then that would mean that you yourself are a ‘god’, or something like it.”

“You’re accepting this quite readily.”

“It’s a bit late to wonder at that now. Until this point I’ve been fairly involved with demons like ‘Adam’ and other strange beings. Even Ma—That’s right, while you’re here there is something I’d like you to tell me.”

“No. I can’t get involved with humans. So I can’t answer any questions outside of the ones that pertain to me.”

And yet, Gallerian asked anyway. “What’s this secret Adam mentioned, the one Ma and Bruno hid from me? Surely you must know, don’t you?”

“…I can’t. It’s a Rule.”

“I’m dying soon. Surely my hearing it won’t have any impact on the world this late in the game?”

“…You would gain nothing from hearing it; it would be meaningless to you.”

“Then isn’t that all the more justification for it? If it won’t mean anything, then there’s no reason not to tell me.”

“…”

Perhaps I had spent a little too long observing him.

Or, perhaps I simply couldn’t deny that I may have had something close to this “compassion” that humans had, when it came to Gallerian.

Well, alright…

.

I granted him one piece of knowledge.

.

“…”

Gallerian was dumbstruck.

“Didn’t I tell you? It gains you nothing.”

Once I realized that the strength had left his hand, I slipped out of his grip and flew away.

.

Then I made it out the window and headed for the distant sky.

--Midway there I looked down to the ground, and spied a figure about to head into the burning mansion.

.

And on seeing that, I deeply regretted having shared that information with him.

<<prev------directory------next>>

[lavendersoft]

Until I met you.

-Street fighter!Jimin x Reader

2/?

Synopsis: While on a date for their 2nd anniversary, Jimin loses Yoongi while being attacked in an alleyway by a robber. Yoongi sacrificed himself for his lover and Jimin could never forgive himself for not being able to do the same. The survivor’s guilt ate away at him over the months and it definitely didn’t help that he saw Yoongi’s face everywhere. In mirrors, dreams, large crowds, on trains, and even when he closed his eyes. Although, Jimin found a way to cope. He began a rigorous training schedule. Boxing, self-defense classes, Tae Kwon Do, he even started street fighting and got caught up with bad people. Anything and everything. His hands would bleed, his muscles would ache, his bones would break. Jimin was offered multiple full scholarships to prestigious martial arts schools for his talent, all of which Jimin turned down. He didn’t want to make a career out of this, he just didn’t want to be haunted by his dead fiancé. The only time Yoongi wouldn’t haunt every moment of Jimin’s life was when he’s training, as if Yoongi is saying “I won’t rest, nor will I let you rest, until you’re stronger.” Jimin will never lose anyone that he loves again.

Everything felt like a downward spiral,

until he met you.

Warnings: (There’s a lot- and it’s kinda dark, be warned) PTSD, implied schizophrenia (sorta? take that with a grain of salt), PTSD induced delusions/hallucinations, depression, paranoia, night terrors, character death, major angst, unhealthy coping mechanisms, masochism(?), alcoholism, minor gore, mention of drug abuse, mention of blood, mention of sexual assault/ harassment, mention of asylums, profanity, Jimin goes through one hell of a mental breakdown.

Author’s notes: super slow burn :/ basically, in which jimin copes with the traumatic incident of his fiancé’s brutal murder by street fighting. this story isn’t yandere but has dark themes.

“I gave her your number.”

Jimin almost spits out his gator aid in shock.

“You what?!”

The two friends had been kickboxing for two hours now and decided to take a break.

“She’s, like, really into you.”

Jimin’s sighs. He appreciates his friend but a relationship is the last thing he needs at the moment.

It hasn’t even been a year yet.

“And you’re really into her. You’re just the only one that can’t see it.” Jungkook states.

“What are you talking about?” Jimin is genuinely surprised.

“You were oogling over her all night, dude. It was so obvious. Like, you blushed. You actually blushed! I haven’t seen you look at someone like that since-“ Jungkook catches himself before he says the name, Jimin’s glare daring him to go on.

It was true, Jimin knew that. There was something about her, the way she presented herself, the manner in which she spoke, the slight light-hearted sarcastic comments. Something reminded Jimin of Yoongi.

“I’m not ready for another relationship, okay? Just drop it.”

Jungkook’s eyes narrow into slits of suspicion.

“Have you been seeing Dr. Bang lately?” The air around Jimin becomes thin at the mention of his therapist.

“Not in a while.”

“What about your meds? Have you had your anti-depressant refilled?”

“No.”

Jungkook sighs, his head hanging low.

“Seriously?”

“I’m not a child, Jungkook.” Jimin scolds. He finishes the conversation by standing and heading towards the shower, leaving a sulking Jungkook.

That night Jimin doesn’t get much sleep. His mind kept wandering over to her face. The way her eyes lit up when he spoke to her. How her voice got a bit louder when talking about dancing.

He used the be that passionate. Now he spends all of his time fighting. He had no time- or need- for passion.

The chime of his phone brings him out of his thoughts.

11:30? Who the hell is texting me at 11:30?

Unknown: Hey, is this Jimin?

Jimin: yeah? Who’s this?

Unknown: It’s Y/n. We met last night?

His heart jumps.

Jimin: Oh, yeah, of course! how are you?

Unknown: I’m great! I was just wondering if you wanted to go see Singin’ in the Rain the musical? I was given two tickets by my dance instructor and just thought since you have a background in dance..? It’s @ 7:00 tomorrow night.

A date? Like an actual date? Without other people? For romantic purposes and not meaningless hookups?

Jimin: Sorry. I’m working.

A lie. He doesn’t even have a job. He lost it months ago, when he started fighting for money.

Unknown: oh, that’s okay. :)

Jimin’s eyes can’t leave his phone screen. They start to burn since the bright screen is such a sharp contrast to his dark room.

Should I...?

He shakes his head and turns off his phone to try to get as much shut-eye as he could, the rancid smell of lingering alcohol surrounding him.

—

The next morning is the normal routine- he gets up, showers, eats, grabs a beer, and makes his way to the gym.

He hits the punching bag just a little harder than usual, though.

Her face doesn’t leave his mind. Her disappointment emits through the last text she sent. He wants to go. He really does.

But he can’t. It’s dangerous. She’s already been able to take over his thoughts in such a short amount of time. No one’s been able to captivate his mind so quickly since... him.

He won’t let himself go down that hole.

-

Y/n: Awesome! I’ll see you tonight then!

Yes. He texted her. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a play. A play he’s wanted to see since he was little.

That’s the only reason he’s going.

They’ve decided to meet at the theater, for that Jimin was grateful. It would save him the awkward first pickup that he’s had to do so many times.

He waits at the entrance door for her, albeit a bit impatiently. It looks as if it’s about to start raining and everyone else is entering and taking their seats already.

She’s late. He hates when people are late. If he had his ticket he probably would have gone in without her. His hands stuffed in his pockets, his foot tapping the ground lightly. He sighs. If she’s not here in the next two-

“Hey, Jimin. You look nice.”

He turns to the sound of the pleasantly soft voice. She’s wearing a black velvet, formfitting slip dress.

No, she looks nice. Better than nice, even. If he were the old Jimin, he would have told her that.

But he’s not, so he only nods in acknowledgment.

“Thank you.”  

He hopes she doesn't notice the healing bruise on his left cheekbone. He doesn't think it's noticeable but yet again, he's desensitized to wounds like such.

They take their seats and to Jimin’s pleasant surprise, they’re close to the front. He can see the entire stage perfectly. When the lights dim and the show starts, he feels entranced. He forgot how much he used to love music. He hasn't listened to a full song on his own time since he gave up dancing. He finds himself almost jealous of the way the actors float across the stage as they dance.

Glancing over, he finds Y/n just as engaged. Her eyes all but sparkle in awe, a small smile etches her face as she watches intently.

She’s glowing.

The play ends too early for Jimin’s liking. He wishes he had a longer opportunity to study her facial expressions more. He doesn't know why she fascinates him so much.

“You hungry?” Her question catches him off guard at first, her eyes meeting his own.

“I could eat.”

“Great. I know a cute little place not too far from here.”

-

The food was gross.

Jimin didn’t care. He didn't care about much these days anyway. She seemed to enjoy it though, so he couldn't say it was a total waste. The way her eyes lit up before closing in delight, humming softly when she spooned in another bite.

“So good.”

“Yeah.” He barely registered the smile that crept upon his face in utter amusement.

She’s pretty cute, I guess.

Then the passing thought jerked Jimin’s attention away.

He’s- no, it’s not here. It’s always here? It’s always lingering somewhere... but...

“You lookin’ for someone?” She questions, although her tone is light.

“No. I’ve just never been here so I’m taking in the ambiance.” It wasn't a total lie. Sure, the food wasn't the best but he’d ordered a glass of wine to compensate for that. Beyond that, the restaurant itself was cozy. It featured fairy lights and wooden fixtures. Various types of greenery adorned the walls and he had a direct view of the patio, which had a fireplace and a decorated oak tree that grew from the cracked pavement. He had to admit that was kind of cool.

“Well, hows the first impression?” She inquires.

“It’s cute, like you said.”

Jimin doesn't know how she talked him into letting herself walk him home, as if he needed a chaperone. But he doesn't argue, he’s too tired- and tipsy- for that.

They turn down the alley that he usually uses as a short-cut. There are always shady men that like to loiter around here but Jimin never pays them any mind. No sane person that knows anything about Demon wouldn't try anything fresh.

Apparently, these guys are new around here.

“Hey, baby, you’re lookin’ like a good fuck tonight. God damn.” A particularly tall man that looks unshowered comments, looking Y/n up and down with a predatory gaze. His equally gross friends become confident enough to start making their own distasteful comments.

Jimin can feel the anger start to boil.

Right as his feet stop walking, she grabs his hand to urge him forward.

“It’s not worth it. Let’s go.” Her eyes seem so desperate and pleading that it satiates his anger, if only for a second. Jimin notices that she hasn't even acknowledged the stranger.

Why won't she just tell him she's not interested so he’ll leave her alone?

His thoughts are interrupted when he hears the sharp sound of a hand slap on fabric.

“Damn, baby. That ass is incredible.”

He touched her. He touched her.

“Hey! Who the hell do you thi-” She’s interrupted by a flash of blond hair placing itself between her and the man. Jimin grabs the stranger by the throat and pushes him against the brick wall of the alley. The man’s eyes alight with fear and regret upon finding the strength that the smaller man had stocked away in his more petite frame.

“I think you owe her an apology.”

But the man is stubborn, unfortunately for him.

“Go fuck yourself, asshole. Your girlfriend’s a nasty whore anywa-” He doesn't get the chance to even breath before Jimin lands a hard punch to his jaw.

He felt the string snap. The same string that snaps when he’s in the ring. He sees nothing but red. He hears nothing but the sound his heart thumping in his ears.

The blood flies around him, his focus is only on one thing. Punch after punch, hit after hit, Jimin continues.

Jimin’s knuckles start to ache, his muscles are strained. He really does want to kill this man. He really does.

He probably might have if she hadn't stepped in front of him, her hands on his face.

“Jimin.”

Her face is confident, maybe a bit stern even. But anyone could see that she was concerned.

“It’s okay. I’m okay. Let’s go, come on.” She takes his bruising hand, easing him away, her eyes refusing to leave his.

Jimin is still dazed on the walk home but still manages to give her the directions to his house. The first thing she asks for when he unlocked to door was the first aid kit- and proceeded to clean his hands.

No one ever cleaned his wounds after a fight. He’s always had to do it himself.

He observed how her facial expressions would switch from concentrated to relaxed as she proceeded. Then a smirk crossed her face.

“You stare a lot, you know that?” She finishes wrapping his second hand and places in on his lap.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” She was so relaxed around him, something Jimin wasn’t used to. “I think you broke his jaw. Not like he didn’t deserve it, though.”

“What happened to the other guys?” Jimin was curious. In his fury, when everything was a blur, he didn’t even realize that the other’s weren’t participating in the fight.

“They bolted as soon as you threw the first punch. All talk, I guess.” She responds with an amused grin.

“Why didn't you tell them?” It comes off a bit more accusatory than he expected.

“What?”

“Why didn't you tell them to fuck off, to stop, anything?”

Her eyes are locked on his wrapped hand in thought before she responds.

“People like them don’t listen, Jimin. Sometimes it’s just safer to ignore.”

Y/n took the silence that comes after as an opportunity to look around Jimin’s apartment. It was small but not cramped. In fact, there was barely anything in the house at all.

Jimin had gotten rid of anything that even remotely reminded him of Yoongi. Everything except-

“Who’s this?”

“Don’t-“ Jimin catches himself before he snatches the picture back from her hands. Instead, he places a hand nervously on the back of his neck, “Um- that’s just.. uh-“

Sensing his discomfort, she places the picture frame back on the shelf where she found it. The picture featured Jimin with his arms wrapped around his blonde boyfriend, a bit too close to be less than lovers.

He visibly sighs in relief.

“That’s my... my f-” The word gets stuck in his throat, refusing to budge.

“Friend. He died not too long ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Were you two close?” Her tone was nothing but sympathetic.

Jimin doesn’t understand the sudden irritation that arises in him. It was a simple, innocent question.

Were they close? Were they close??

“Yes.” He doesn’t realize that he’s been subconsciously playing with the ring on his left hand, “We were very close.”

Jimin doesn’t like newcomers. He hasn’t since Yoongi died. In fact, no one new has even entered his home in months. He doesn’t trust people, because they all leave. He didn’t even like Jungkook’s girlfriend at first, but he got used to her after a while. Jimin used to love meeting new friends, he was the most sociable person out of the group. But he was different from what he used to be. New friends, new relationships aren’t worth it.

His mind flashes to the faces of all the people he’s “dated” in the past six months. All the hearts he’s broken because he can’t return their romantic feelings. All the women who he’s made cry after fucking and ditching them. All the men he’s been yelled at for leading them on. But he doesn’t care.

No one stays, so why make yourself vulnerable to someone that’s not going to be there forever?

He knows it’s only a matter of time before she leaves, too.

“And you want to call yourself a good person? Bullshit.” Jimin gulps.

“Playing with people’s emotions is only something a monster would do. You’re evil. Weak and evil.” The dark growl sounds from behind him, a cold hand is placed on the back of his neck. Jimin’s breath quickens.

“Hey,” She steps forward, and the cold feeling from behind him disappears and it’s replaced with something warmer. Her. 

“Are you okay?” Her face is filled with worry. She must have sensed Jimin’s impending panic. Her hand is on his chest now, it’s comforting. She has to be able to feel his racing heartbeat.

“Yeah, sorry. Just bad memories is all.” He takes a quick, nonchalant look behind him.

But Yoongi’s not there this time.

[crookedndelicate]

#3 - longshot (songfic)

a/n: yes, already. van mccann works hard but i work harder. also, this isn’t really a van / you fic, and tbh i don’t even know what it is. it just kinda happened. 

word count: around 2k (in less than a day... my essays can’t relate)

They always said it wasn’t going to last.

Long distance rarely does, they said. Don’t get your hopes up, Van. You always do. Too hard, too fast, mate. Got the wedding already planned out in your head, you. Take it slow.

He wanted to argue that it wouldn’t be a first. Being a rockstar often meant you couldn’t have any other type of relationship – long distance often seemed to be the only option. It was the price his relationships often had to pay – being away from each other for months, relying on late night FaceTime and stolen moments. So why did he think it would be different this time around?

Perhaps it was because for once, Van McCann felt invincible. Post-The Balcony, Post-The Ride, post-big tours and headlining some of the world’s biggest festivals. For a brief moment there, he was on the top of the world. Or perhaps it’s because he was a romantic, wanting nothing more than to settle down and start a family. And when he fell in love, he truly, wholeheartedly believed that it would last forever, because that’s what romantics do.

Undoubtedly, Van McCann had the tendency to break his own heart.

“And we lapped it up and we’re wise enough to know / how it goes”

Long FaceTime calls. Dancing in the kitchen to The Strokes. Long distance film watching. Early morning drunk calls. Fights. Tension. Fear. Accusations. Breakdowns. Handwritten notes from first dates, with words that used to mean everything and now mean nothing at all.

That wasn’t how the story was supposed to go. Boy meets girl, girl makes boy a better version of himself. Boy and girl spend time together, at first two of them against the world, then the two of them forever and ever. But there was nothing better about that version of him. Drinking more, smoking more, getting high more. More tired. Angrier. Exhausted. That’s what they all said.

He grew fond of disappearing for months. Going back to Ireland, away from everyone but his bandmates and Larry. No Wi-Fi, no signal, no way to check her social media or drunk call her in the middle of the night. He grew fond of being silent, of allowing himself to be Ryan Evan McCann, the boy who wanted to make music for festival crowds to dance to, and not Van McCann, the frontman of Catfish and the Bottlemen. These days, they felt like two different people, and he wasn’t sure which one he preferred.

He didn’t want to admit they were right. He didn’t want to admit they shouldn’t have gotten involved with each other, he didn’t want to admit he knew all along something there wasn’t right.

But god, they were.

“Forgive me, honey / but we’re wise enough to know”

You’re always away. Going out to dinner with a friend. Yes, him. No, Van. What are you worried about? you’re the flirt around here. You know it’s meaningless, so what are you worried about?

That was the million dollar question, wasn’t it? What was he worried about? Was it the distance getting to him? Bringing out the worst in him? Did he genuinely think she would do something to hurt him? no. He had faith in her. Inthem. Hell, he had faith in them when no one else did.

So why did he feel, in spite of all of that, that something was off? That he kept missing something? That all the nights he spent alone didn’t feel the same? It wasn’t Hourglass-Van, the boy who was on the road and could only think of his loved one, knowing they’ll get together eventually. Knowing they’ll be reunited, and that everything will be fine. It wasn’t Heathrow-Van either, who would jump into the car to pick her up, eager to see her again, knowing the nights they’re spending together are rarer than red diamonds and more valuable than gold, but just as glorious.

No. Something was different this time around, and he knew it. And the worst part was, deep down, he knew it’s always been this way. It wasn’t meant to last.

“Goahead and tell me something real / come on, how’d you feel?”

“I miss you, love.”

“I miss you too, Van. When are you coming home?”

“Soon, love. Soon. I promise. Tour’s almost done, and then I’ll be home. Promise.”

Sigh.“It’s just that… tour’s never really done with you, Van, innit? there’s always another gig, another night, another festival. A weekend in Australia, two weeks in the States. Always leave by the time we settle in. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

And there it was.“it will be soon, love. I promise. I’ll be home sooner than you think, alright?”

Another sigh.“Alright. I love you, Van.”

But do you really?

“We were side by side again / And now, we’re all careless and loved up”

Her clothes on the floor. Her body against his, falling into their usual rhythm. Her perfume. The scent of her shampoo on his pillow. Her legs wrapped around his torso, her head falling back in pure pleasure. Her mouth hanging open, his lips against her neck. Scratches on his back, her voice beginning him to go faster, deeper, hanging onto every inch of him. Her body vibrating against his.

Her head on his chest, his arms wrapped around her. Those were nights that made everything feel right again. The nights the doubt disappeared, the nights they’d stay up late and talk about life. The nights he held onto, the nights that reminded him why he fell in love with her in the first place. The nights that reminded him why he wanted her to wear his necklace someday.

When they were together, all his doubts seemed to vanish. When they were together, side by side, all he could see was her sleepy eyes looking at him, her hair falling on her shoulders softly, framing her face. The way her mouth curved into a soft smile, her morning voice mumbling his name. With the distance no longer between them, it felt right again.

Problem was, when the distance wasbetween them, they seemed to lose it all. The tenderness. The faith in their relationship. The love. The passion. It was a flame that ignited itself every time they were together, and disappeared when they were apart. At least so it seemed on her side.

As time passed, it was no longer geographical distance that was the problem. Even when she was around, she wasn’t. And that’s when he knew things were falling apart.

“Cause we know this feeling / all a little too well”

They were right about one thing: he had the tendency to fall too hard, too fast. Hang onto every relationship, every girl that swept him off his feet. In love with the idea of a soulmate, someone to start a family with, have children with, spend the rest of his life, Van McCann wasn’t very good at letting go.

And it’s not that he didn’t try. He tried to avoid her late night calls. He tried to stay away from her social media, her friends’ social media. He tried to drown himself in gigs, in late night drinks, in festivals, in hand rolled smokes, in the ‘rockstar life’. He really did try.

And then he’d see her name on his screen, his phone lighting up in the middle of the night, and he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. You need a phone detox, they said, as if he was addicted to his phone. He definitely wasn’t too attached to it – he didn’t care about the damn thing. No, the problem wasn’t his phone. The problem was her.

He was attached to her.He needed to detox himself from her. He needed his phone, because he needed her.He’d been down this road before, trying to salvage their relationship before it’s too late. He could feel her slipping away, and heneededher not to.

She already has,they said. Let go. You know it.

He did. The feeling in his gut, knowing he’d lost her, knowing there was nothing left to salvage. He’d been done this road before. The heavy feeling in his chest, the bittersweet feeling when he saw her name. Wanting to say I love you and knowing it wouldn’t make a difference. Wanting to hear I love youand knowing it’d be nothing more than empty words, an automated response.

“Follow the heart I believe in / 'cause one of us must know”

The night they debuted Fluctuate was everything he could hope for and more. The crowd was eager to learn the lyrics, eager to share his anger. It was one of those things he could never get sick of – people singing his lyrics back at him, having the time of their lives to the sound of his music. They were an inevitable part of his writing process now – every song, every word, every note was perfectly crafted to make festival crowdsdance the night away. If they were happy, he most certainly was.

They never asked why Fluctuate, just like they never asked why 7. Both times, the lids proved once again they knew him like the back of his hand; they knew he needed to say it, put it out there, long before the album’s out. Because Fluctuate was a track that was written out of a moment of anger, mourning over the loss of a relationship that fell apart, in many ways before it had begun.

The night they debuted Fluctuate was everything he could hope for, and more; and yet, something was missing. Being high on crowd adoration and being in love were very similar in manyways, and yet, they couldn’t be more different. And they never asked why Fluctuate, because god knows it didn’t need saying. They all felt it in their gut, his frustration, his anger, his need to feel like himself again. The way he did when they were curled up in bed, laughing, telling childhood stories. The way he did when he woke her up with a kiss and a cuppa. The way he felt when everything was right– when it briefly was.

“Follow the heart I believe in / ‘cause when the past it's done me good...”

Time passed, like it always does. Memories fade, feelings go numb, and life goeson. With the release of Longshot and their long-anticipated comeback (even though if you ask him, they never left), upcoming tours, festival slots and video shoots, life went back to its insane rhythm, the same rhythm they’d all adored so much. God, he’d missed the adrenaline rush.

Nottingham. Plymouth. London. Sold out nights, thousands of people welcoming them back home. Thousands of people reminding him where he belonged – onstage, with his Fender, with them, watching their reactions. The way their eyes lit up after the very first note of Cocoon, the sound of them singing Hourglass in unison. Tyrants mosh pits. People dancing, screaming, singing, cheering, crying, making out… living. That’s what it always came down to. People living to the sound of Bob’s rhythm, or Benji’s bass lines, another one of Bondy’s solos, orhis words. The words that always represented him, even when he wasn’t sure what that meant.

“Van, mate, you okay?” he heard Bondy’s voice behind him. “You’ve been standing still for almost ten minutes.”

Has he? He hadn’t noticed. “Buzzin’,” he replied, practically on autopilot. His eyes were focused on her– the way she mouthed along the lyrics to whatever she was listening to, her body moving to the rhythm, not caring if anyone saw her. The way she looked up at him, and smiled. It’s been a while since he’d seen such a soft, genuine smile. The way she seemed almost hesitant to approach him. All he did was nod, inviting her to come over, inviting her to say something, wanting to know if her voice was as gentle as the rest of her seemed to be.

“Oh, god,” he heard Larry sighing in the background. “Here we go again.”

Yes, he smiled to himself, Here we go again.

[elejah-verse]

Sweet Love/6

Fanfiction

Part 6

Elijah Mikaelson x reader

This is a very AU TVD/TO story

Premise: Elijah Mikaelson is an ex-race car driver, who is jobless, due to an accident and he is in dire need of a job. Y/N is a CEO of a multinational confectionary company. Due to some threats, she needs to hire a driver/bodyguard. Will loves spark?

Also featuring Klaus Mikaelson as a mechanic, and Kol Mikaelson as a writer. Caroline Forbes as Y/N best friend.

a/n: Ok, I know it is pretty angsty, but there will be loving and fluffingness soon I promise. Thanks for reading. It is so appreciated. xoxo

tags @rissyrapp20 @dendrite-lover @elejahforever @fafulous @goddessofthunder112 @captainshurley

_________

Elijah went out of the house. His head was spinning. He didn't know what do. He wanted to go back in and then he thought maybe it was best to leave. But he did neither. He opted to go down to the beach. Everything was jumbled up in him. Her kiss was still burning so vividly on his lips. It was everything he imagined it would be. But the physical is not what he wanted. He didn't want another meaningless night of sex. He wanted more. He wanted all with Y/N. He wanted her love. How does life get so complicated? He wished he now had his boxing bag in front of him.

In the house, Y/N, brushed her tears away. All that hang in her for years just exploded. But what made her lose her tether.

Flashback

Earlier that day

In her study, Y/N now played with her phone. Wanting to call Lucien, but then tossed the phone away on the neighbouring sofa. She drew a deep breath now flashing back to the night before in the restaurant. 

~Flashback within flashback

Lucien excused himself and now went to take a call as it was the hospital calling. but in truth, it was not the hospital, but Aurora De Martel, who was sitting in a VIP lounge with her brother and some of his friends. 

Some ten minutes late, Y/N, got up, using this opportunity, till her fiancé got back to go to the rest room. And there, her heart nearly stood still as she now saw Aurora and Lucien get out of the rest room, and the red lean over to as she spun around on her heel and gave Lucien a kiss on the cheek.

“What the Hell is this?”- Y/N shouted now at her fiancé, looking at Aurora with her eyes now blazing at the woman.

“Nothing”- Lucien said startled a bit -”what would it be?”

“OMG!”-  it was almost like an epiphany the way Y/N’s mind suddenly put two and two together-”You two are - fucking behind my back! This is why you so wanted to go to this restaurant! Oh, God, I am so stupid! How did I not see this -”- Y/N now shook her head  in total disbelief, feeling a throbbing headache coming on. As some other guests of the restaurant came in, she now turned and walked away. 

Lucien was denying it and ran after Y/N, but she didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. Not wanting to cause a scene, she just left the place, getting a taxi back home.~

Taking her phone now from the sofa, Y/N walked out of the study and went to the kitchen. Taking a drink of juice, she decided to go to the winter garden, to try and unwind, and stop thinking about Lucien and Aurora.

As she came to it, entering it, she heard the following-

"What is it - how much this time? It's all money, money with you. Did you once ask how she is doing? She nearly died in this crash. She was in a coma. Not waking up for days. She is your daughter - do you get that, John? Y/N is YOUR daughter,too! But you never cared! Same as Miranda. You two just left her behind like she was a puppy. But she is not, she is a human being!"- Isobel now threw the phone away.

Y/N thought she gad just walked into the twilight zone hearing what she heard.

And like in a daze she now walked to her mother, who was startled as Y/N spoke-

"Did you just say that - John is - my father? Is Miranda my mother?"

Isobel, as per usual, dismissed it. Telling Y/N she didn't hear it right.

"I need a drink"- Isobel said passing by Y/N, but she grabbed hold of her mother's arm and demanded she told her the truth.

From there on it was like someone set fire between the two women, until Y/N shot out of the house.

As she got all worked up, she now was calm and collected again. She got out of the room and took her car keys. She got out and as walked to the front of the house, she saw that Elijah's car was still there. She stood there puzzled for a second. He didn't leave? But, he was not around the house either. He must have gone down to the beach, she thought and now went looking for him.

"You are - still here?"- Y/N said as she now saw Elijah come to her.

"Yes. I - needed a walk - clear things up for myself. And - I couldn't just leave and let you stay - the way you are."

"The way I am - irrational you mean"-

"Hurting- very badly"- Elijah said.

Y/N was quiet. She crossed her arms. She looked away, hiding her tears welling up in her eyes again.

"I -"- she started-"I apologize for - earlier. I - you were right, it's not - right. I don't know what I was thinking. I - everything inside of me is - "- Y/N shook her head and looked down.

Elijah now moved to her and embraced her and the flood of tears now burst out.

And he held her again, like once before and let her.

Holding onto Elijah still, Y/N huffed a bit-

"Everything is so - muddled. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be like this. Just - "

Y/N now moved out of Elijah's hug, wiping her tears off again and continued-

"You will probably think it's so stupid to get in such crazy huff for - this thing"

"What thing, Y/N?"- Elijah said-"you can tell me - whatever it is - I will not tell a soul."

"Ah, it's nothing to be secretive about - but my mother, who probably is not my mother, surely made it a secret. I don't even know why."- she stopped there and looked at Elijah now-"I am not Greyson Gilbert's daughter, though I am still a Gilbert. Huh - and - maybe I am making a big fuss - like I little girl- but - all these years- ah- nevermind"- Y/N now turned around and started walking to the house.

Elijah went right after her, now saying-

"Don't shut it -"

Y/N walked on replying-

"That's what we do best. Us Gilberts we shut everything down. Why not me?"

Elijah now stopped Y/N putting his hands on her shoulders -

"Because it's not good. Trust me, it's not good."

Y/N took a deep breath. Of course, she knew that it wasn't good. She and all of her family were masters of supressing feelings, pouring it into denials, or different directions- like work in her case or the case of her father, or drink like it was the case of her mother, or drugs as it was Jeremy.

"Oh, I know. It's not like I have not read about dis-functional families - or seen a psychologist. Well, I am about to marry one. Pathetic! Oh, God, it's so pathetic! Great Ms Y/N, the business woman of the year- in reality can handle her own family, her own feelings- everything is such a pathetic mess. I am such a pathetic mess!"

Again she turned away from Elijah and walked quickly to the house, but then for some reason turned away from it and got into her car. Though Elijah was right there behind her, he didn't anticipate her sudden change. The way she drove off, said that she was not in the right mindset. She was heaving some kind of nervous breakdown. 

Elijah quickly got into his car driving off, catching her, but she was driving like a madman, like a professional race driver.

"Damn, Y/N! What are you doing!"- he thought. She shifted, accelarating over 140 miles an hour. In any other situatiin he would be impressed with her driving, as she showed incredible skills on the winding road in front of them. But, the way she was erratic and one slip of the hand or the foot, could be extremely fatal.

To Elijah, who had still been dealing with the race accident, in which Mason Lockwood died, now had all the flashes of the accident play in front of his eyes.

It sure was a mad night. And not only for Elijah and Y/N.              

💘

In Klaus' apartment, just before Aiden called Caroline to tell her about Y/N gone missing.

                 "I think I am falling in love with you."- Caroline said.

Klaus now sat up and looked at the blonde, surprised at the declaration.

"What is it?"- Caroline said-" I know it's like- out of the blue - but- this is really good, and - "

"Look - I - "- Klaus started, but it was enough for Caroline to shoot up from the bed and start getting dressed.

"Why are you - like this?"- Klaus got up as well-"we - said that it's- no strings-"

"Yeah, no strings- ahm- I got to- be somewhere- I am so late on my article for the blog anyway-"

Caroline's phone now rang and she answered-

"Aiden? What's up?"

Aiden now told her about Y/N and her disappearing act.

💘At the Sunny Cove

Just as she shot away, driving for miles and miles up the coast like a maniac, suddenly she decided to stop, in the middle of nowhere.

Elijah, who was on her tail all the time, now shot out of his car -

"WHat THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, Y/N? DO YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?"

"WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT! SO WHAT?"- she shouted back-"AAAAARGH!"

It was like all Hell broke loose, Y/N screamed.

"Nothing. It's all lies, one after another. One huge lie of a family. The sweet perfect Gilbert family is nothing but a huge fat lie. Lie about Mrs Gilbert's drink problem, lie about Jeremy stealing and doing drugs. Lie, image polish. Play happy families for the camera. It's all false. I am false. I am so into playing the big boss, the untouchable Y/N, she can deal with everything. Solve this, solve that, make deals, be on top of your game. You have to be the best, because we are the Gilberts, the best of the best. But we are such a shell of expensive clothes, make up, cars, houses. Nothing! And guess what - Lucien is fucking Aurora- he denies it- but I am sure that they were having sex in that rest room- I am so stupid- so fucking stupid”

Elijah stood there listening to her, letting felt her pain, her feeling powerless, down, sad, lost, angered, useless, all different emotions that whirled together all at once.

He hated that he had shouted at her, but the fear of her hurting herself, or killing herself overcame him. He now apologized for it walking to her.

"Let me be"- Y/N said moving aside.

"I can't. I won't. I love you!"- Elijah said.

Y/N now looked at him with a slight shock at the words said.

"Come on, let me take you home."- Elijah then continued.

"What did you- say?"

"I - yeah- I love you”

“You love me?”

“I do. I have done - since the first time we met- I just- yeah!” - Elijah said again, knowing so well that his timing sucked enormously, but he couldn’t keep his feelings inside him any longer.

Y/N sighed trying to process him revealing what he felt. And like frozen she looked at him, like someone cut her tongue out she kept quiet. Truth was, her own feelings were so jumbled up that she just couldn’t express what she was feeling at all, for him, herself, anyone.

“Come on, let me take you home."- Elijah said letting out a little sigh and gestured to the car.

"I don’t want to go home - I - can’t - face anything- anyone”

"Ok. Then, we can go - back to that house in the cove or - a hotel or- my place?"- Elijah suggested.

"I really don't care. I just - "- she said it quite absent-minded.

Elijah now came to her and gently took her hand-"Come on, let's go."

Y/N gave him a little look, and he saw now numbness setting in. He gently put his arm around her and they both walked to his car. He opened the passenger door and she slipped in. Before getting in the car himself, he made sure Y/N's car is locked, and called Aiden to let him know that she was safe and sound.

"Y/N is with me. She is - ahm- she doesn't want to see anybody - can you - handle it?"

By the way, Elijah's voice was deeply serious, Aiden understood that things were not good.

"Where are you?"

"We are going to my place."- Elijah said.

"Righ. Ok. Call you later."

"Yeah"- Elijah said and then hanging up he started the engine and they set off.

On the way back to the city, he glanced a few times at Y/N, who just glared straight into the night.             

He wished he could take away all the hurt, all that she was going through, away. 

💔💘💌💙

The next morning, Y/N woke up finding herself in a strange bed. She heard whispering voices coming from the small corridor. One of them was Elijah and the other must have been his sister's- Y/N thought. She now got up and went to the door. Opening it, she startled the siblings a bit and Elijah turned to her saying-

"Sorry if we woke up."

"No, I was already awake I - hey"- Y/N now said looking at Davina. 

"Hey- I am Davina."- the girl sort of introduced herself.

"Hi. I am Y/N. But I guess you know that."

"Yeah."- Davina said back now looking at Y/N like she was an extra-terrestrial or something. 

"Bathroom?"- Y/N turned to Elijah now.

Elijah directed her with a hand gesture saying- "down on the right."

"Thank you."- Y/N said and now went to it.

"Y/N is in my house!"- Davina made a mental scream. 

"Go and make coffee"- Elijah sort of nudged his sister.

"All right."- she made a face at him, still somewhat wide-eyed regarding Y/N spending the night at the loft.

Elijah now followed his sister to the kitchen/living room area, taking the bedding from the sofa where he slept on, taking it to the storage room. 

"Shall I make some pancakes?"- Davina asked-"I wanted to buy some bagels. We are all out of OJ, too. She probably doesn't even eat anything like that in the morning."

"I don't think she will stay for breakfast."- Elijah  said. His phone rang and he now answered it-

"Yes, Aiden. She is ik - no, she is in the bathroom at the moment. Ok. I will tell her."- having finished the conversation Joel hung up and now sat down at the kitchen table. He appeared all calm and collected, but deep inside he was a bundle of nerves. No matter how much he tried to act rationally, he could not control his heart that was in total anguish. And all because of those three little words that came out the night before. Most inappropriately, but there it was and now he had to deal with them.

Davina poured them all some coffee and made the pancakes, even though, most probably, would not have them. 

The girl was dying to find out how and why Y/N ended up sleeping in their loft, but Elijah was stum. He sipped his coffee and took a bit of the pancake. 

Y/N finally appeared, and Elijah stood up like he was in the army and army general got in the room. 

"How are you?"- he now asked.

"Better. Thank you."- she then smiled a little directing her look at Davina and took the cup of the coffee that was obviously served for her. She then sat down at the table as well.

"I would have made the milk foamy- Davina said-"I know that you like the triple moccachino. I read it somewhere- but we haven't got the machine."

"It's fine. I need a strong black coffee."- Y/N said and after a sip and then added-"This is a great place."

"I did most of the internal designing work here."- Davina said proudly.

"You have a great eye for it. It's contemporary and yet feels so warm and inviting."- Y/N complimented the girl, who rose into the clouds. 

"You really think so?"- Davina couldn't stop gushing in a way.

"Yes."- Y/N took another sip of the coffee. She now turned to Elijah, who was quiet, trying to keep his cool-

"I - will need a lift back - to the house."

"Of course. Whenever you are ready.  Oh, Aiden called and said to call him back."

Y/N nodded a little.

Since she had left her phone behind in the Cove, Elijah now offered his phone and Y/N took it. She got off the table and as she got through to Aiden, she went to the bedroom again to talk in private.

"She loves the place! And she said that I am goood!"- Davina gushed some more as Y/N exited the living room space. Taken in by the compliments, not thinking she now took her phone wanting to write to her friends about it.

Elijah now took her phone out of his sister's hands and said-

"You can't tell anyone that Y/N was here. I told you earlier, that it's - she just - it's complicated.

"I can see that. I am not stupid."- Davina said grabbing the phone back.

"I never said that. It's just you - sometimes you act before you think. Especially with messages on instagram etc."

Davina wanted to say something back at her brother, but now the doorbell went and both of them jumped somewhat surprised as they didn't expect anyone. 

Elijah got up and went to open the door. 

"Is Y/N still here?"- Caroline said.

"Yes."- Elijah said after the little startle, then gestured to the blonde to come in. He knew that Aiden must have spilled the beans about Y/N's location, which he could not oppose to. Caroline was Y/N's best friend after all.

As Caroline walked in the living room area, shooting a look of approval at the place, Y/N walked also in from the bedroom corridor.

"Hey you!"- Caroline now turned to Y/N, who was not surprised to see her friend there, as she just had heard from Aiden that Caroline was on the way and that he had to tell her where she was.

Caroline being impulsive as she was now went into the scolding mood with her best friend, forgetting that they had an audience.

"I was worried sick. We all were. Like- what happened? What - did she do this time?"- she obviously referred to Isobel.

Y/N now made a grimace saying to the blonde that she didn't want to speak. Not at this very moment.

"Ok. Yes. Sorry.- Caroline said in understanding voice. 

Y/N now turned to Elijah, and giving him his phone back said-

"I will go with Caroline. Aiden said that the car is being towed back. Thanks for taking care of that."

"No problem."- Elijah said.

And there, silence, tension filling up the air around, made both Caroline and Davina suddenly click that they were two people too many in the room and excusing themselves, the let them be on their own for a second.

The awkwardest of silences now raised up between them.

 Y/N now spoke first-

"Thank you for - last night and I apologize again for having caused such- for being so out of it- thanks for everything."

"Y/N- you don't have to- things happen- too much happened lately- and yeah-"

"Yes, too much happened - and I really need to refocus- get myself back on track- and- you- the job is safe- I am not like that. Last night I don't know why I - never wanted to - use you"

"I know."- Elijah said. His stomach churning, as she looked at him with a mixture of painful angst and yet some mellowness -

"Yeah. right- oook-"- Y/N now took a deep breath and she turned halfway to go and then looked at him now very seriously. There was the matter of I love you said by Elijah that she had to now address. It was only fair, she thought.

 " I - my feelings are just such a mess. And I need to figure things out and - yeah- I got to go."- saying that Y/N now walked out of the loft leaving Elijah feeling like a dagger was shoved right into his heart.

[flavourlessfiction]

Ice Melts When Heated ~ Chapter 3

Relationships: Jason Todd/Tim Drake

Rating: Mature

Tags: Alternate Universe - Skating, figure skating, Rivals, Slow Burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies is a slight overstatement tho, Banter, Time Skips, Rating May Change

Ao3: x

Three sharp raps on his hotel room door. It couldn’t be the national representative who was effectively his handler for the comp. She’d left just ten minutes ago and they’d already selected him for the gala. God knows why. It wasn’t often that someone who finished in tenth got the opportunity to skate in the gala, especially when it wasn’t in their home country.

The knocking started again, Tim pushing himself up and slowly trudging towards the door. He was fortunate to end up with his own hotel room, although could one really be fortunate when they’d choked? Or when their coach picked a minor competition over the last major event before Worlds? “What can I-” He started to say, stopping dead in his tracks when he was met face to face with Jason. No, he did not need to spar with Jason right now, he’d had a bad enough day without listening to the winner gloat. “- fuck off.”

“Hey, wait!” Jason’s foot got caught in the door frame, preventing him from shutting the door in his face. He couldn’t just slam it on the foot either, it would look like he was attempting to take out his competition. “I know you don’t want anything to do with me right now but you can’t be alone after something like that.”

“Go away, Jason.”

“Come out with me, we’ll have some drinks and you can think about anything other than that skate.”

Of course, his idea of a good time was going out and getting drunk. Forgetting about the skate and Bruce was certainly a good idea but that didn’t mean it was the right thing to do, they had practice for the gala tomorrow, as well as the actual performance and showing up with a hangover wasn’t going to make him look any better in the eyes of the skating federation. “I’m eighteen.”

“The legal drinking age in China. Tim, we don’t have to go out or drink. I just don’t want you to be left feeling how I felt just because Bruce can’t see what his skaters need.” There was the first dig at Bruce, it was to be expected and if he wasn’t pissed off with Bruce he might have defended him. Bruce had allowed all of this to happen, however, and he wasn’t going to pretend like he could just move past it. Not tonight at least.

Lowering his eyes Tim opened the door wider, flinching as Jason gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. If it was anyone he liked it would have felt comforting but with the other it just felt so wrong. “You were injured, you didn’t just fall apart.”

“That’s true, but I shouldn’t have been allowed to skate. Just as you shouldn’t have been sent here without anyone. I’m not going to talk about that, get changed and we’ll go do something. You need a distraction.” That was probably fair, he’d already watched the skate twice in the time he’d been alone, not bothering to watch the scores or his reaction in the kiss and cry. He hadn’t exactly stopped feeling that way and it wasn’t about to change rewatching it for a third time. “Tim please, if they think you’re going to spiral they’ll force you to give up your spot at worlds. The best thing to do right now is at least look like you’re socialising and not panicking.”

“Okay,” He said, kneeling down in front of his suitcase. There definitely wasn’t going to be anything inside for going out to bars and clubs, aside from the suit he’d brought with him the nicest things he had were jeans and plain t shirts. They could work but it still didn’t leave him with many options. “Did it look as bad as it felt?”

“You hitting the boards multiple times or the breakdown,” it didn’t seem like Jason needed a response, the soft sigh that followed told him enough. “You just looked like you were in a lot of pain and this was the last straw. People might think you’re actually human now at least.” Quiet and awkward never translated to being robotic in Tim’s mind, but it was a joke that came out of multiple people’s mouths despite knowing him, despite the fact that he looked like anything but a robot on the ice.

It wasn’t important, his public image would never be the person he was even if he tried to remould it now. Everyone would still see him as a kid. “I’m surprised Talia isn’t up your ass for even trying to go out when you’re basically the main event tomorrow.” Thrown away, meaningless chatter, he just didn’t want it to be constant jabs at him or it to be talk about skating.

He didn’t need Jason to laugh about it though, and whilst his laughter was charming it wasn’t a welcome sound to his ears. “I disagree, I saw the music you’re using on the running sheet for practice tomorrow, are we seeing a return of girl Tim?”

“Uh, no. I’m doing a different version of the song.” There was a shirt that didn’t look like something he’d sleep in, keeping his back to Jason he shed his jacket and training shirt, hurriedly pulling the black ¾ sleeve shirt over his head. “And I know people will probably claim I’m going too many different exhibition skates in one season, but Dick did a new one every comp the year he won Olympic gold, so what does it matter?”

He wasn’t defensive, sure he knew plenty of people would say that if he had trained for the comp better; he wouldn’t have lost the way he did. Except it had nothing to do with that this time, it wasn’t new choreography, it was just a different version of the same song. “I think people will just be happy to see you skate, some people thought you really hurt yourself, in all honesty, you’ve got people in your corner.”

“I’m talking to you so that’s not accurate. Before you ask, Dick isn’t here because he couldn’t get a visa in time, which translation means he wasn’t given enough warning because everything’s so fucking disorganised lately.”

“Could he have gone to-”

“Yes.” He looked over his shoulder to see a tight-lipped Jason nodding, eyes averted picking up that Tim was just going to change in the middle of the room. Well at least he wasn’t going to have to awkwardly shuffle into the bathroom despite the fact that it was his hotel room. “I guess it’s appropriate that I hang around you, you’re kind of the master at being pissed off with Bruce Wayne.” It takes less than a minute and he’s sliding on a pair of shoes, looking like he was prepared to go out this whole time.

“Well if he tells you how mad he is about what happened, just tell him to eat a bag of dicks, this was his fault not yours.” He didn’t have to be friends or friendly with Jason, but he was right, he needed to be around someone, both for perceptions sake but so that he didn’t drive himself crazy. If that meant going to an obnoxious bar with music so loud that he couldn’t think, well then that was a positive thing. They didn’t need anything to say to each other, exiting the hotel, Jason looking at his phone briefly before setting off in the direction of wherever he planned on going, Shanghai had a nightlife scene of sorts, he was aware of that but he doubted there were clubs that were like American ones.  “Would you rather go to a club or a bar?” He’d rather go to neither but he’d agreed to come out and he wasn’t about to be a sulking mess the entire night, he already knew he didn’t look great, just by how his eyes felt from all the crying.

“I don’t mind, I can’t speak mandarin very well though, so unless you’re skilled in it we might want to go to a must see place for American tourists.”

“I thought you spoke fine in Hong Kong… Wait that’s Cantonese, okay I can understand. Don’t worry I’ve already got a place in mind but it’s more of a club.” He didn’t feel game enough to ask just what kind of a club and in truth he wouldn’t know where or what it was.

Just follow and look around at the sights nearby. Well it wasn’t quite following as Jason had fallen into step with him. He was still certainly the one guiding although even Jason was glancing at his phone every so often, obviously using a maps app to direct him. At least they weren’t going to get completely and utterly lost. Finding their way back might be a challenge depending on how drunk Jason got. He knew the hotel name so he could get directions back there if the other was completely useless. “Arkham?” Jason only laughed, how he found a place that held the same name as the prison in their home city was amusing but he was sure the choice in venue was based upon the proximity to the hotel. They’d walked for no more than ten minutes to get there.

Thankfully they didn’t have to wait long to get in and even less to get a drink. He didn’t question what it was, it looked well enough like a bottle of beer and he wasn’t all that focused on enjoying it. It was loud enough in here with EDM that if he stayed sober he’d end up with a worse headache than what a hangover could possibly give him. “Drink and have fun.” A hand sat at his side, Tim recognising the touch as less for the purpose of being comforting but to prevent him from stepping away due to the breath against his ear as Jason spoke to him, it being the only way they wouldn’t be completely drowned out by the music.

It wasn’t music he’d ever skate to, he’d once joked about skating to a Portuguese pop song but one look from Bruce told him that wouldn’t happen in a million years. In truth he knew Bruce was irritated enough by his exhibition programs but didn’t deny him them because they were just supposed to be for entertainment’s sake. Pop music had been a quick line in the sand however, although it could be because Dick had a few too many obnoxious pop skates of his own and Bruce wasn’t willing to indulge any of his skaters after Dick.

The first drink was finished quickly, and whilst it took ten minutes or so to hit, he could definitely feel it. That wasn’t to say he was already a stumbling drunk, merely that there was a warmth synonymous with mild intoxication that was undeniable. That hand was still touching him, although he’d made no effort to squirm out of the touch either. He was a foreigner here and whilst he wasn’t thrilled to be here with Jason he didn’t want to end up alone and stuck. “I’d love to know the truth to a rumour about you.” Tim shifted slightly as he placed the bottle on the table in front of him, motioning for Jason to continue. “I always thought you were gay but someone said you and Tamara Fox hooked up on the road at Stars back in July, which one is true?”

Now that was a complicated question. There were always rumours but that was one he hadn’t thought would get out. Either of them. “Sexuality is complicated, yes we did.”

“Would you date her?”

“No, I’m not interested in dating women.”

“So… you hooked up with her to see what it was like and to know if you are gay?”

“It’s complicated.” It felt like a pitiful excuse but he wasn’t going to explain it now, everyone always just assumed it was an experimental excuse that he was covering up his sexuality when in truth Tim wasn’t attracted to women for the purposes of relationships. “I’m getting another drink.”

His feet hurt, someone had definitely stepped on them or dropped something on them multiple times when he was on the dance floor. At least Jason hadn’t entirely left his side to allow him to do something stupid, but he’d given him some amount of space. Although he had grabbed him around three in the morning, he’d had what, five drinks in the few hours that they’d been there?

He wouldn’t say he was plastered by any means but he was a lot closer to that than being sober. It was probably why it took so long to get back to the hotel.

No! They were slower because his feet hurt! He couldn’t wait to lay down, Jason had an arm around him again, keeping him from stumbling and getting hurt. He was definitely doing a much better job at not looking like a complete and utter mess. Maybe he hadn’t drunk quite as much as he had. Although Tim could have sworn that Jason was at least one drink ahead of him. It wasn’t fair!

Although what had been fair about the past week or so? No, he didn’t want to think about it, if he did he’d just get mad or sad and he’d certainly cried enough in the kiss and cry earlier. “Why are you helping me?” He grumbled as he was ushered into an elevator, it was lucky there weren’t any officials hanging around in the lobby, there needed to be as little evidence about their inebriation as possible and that would be given up all too quickly if they were forced to talk to anyone important.

Jason seemed to ignore him at first, opening his mouth to ask again before he was smothered with and embrace, being backed into the corner of the tight space, the chatter of the people that had joined them explained a lot. There was nothing more uncomfortable than getting called out right now. “I understand.” It was soft, even for someone that should be drunk, Jason never exactly came across as the guy with good volume control but perhaps it was more based upon the fact that he tended to not care.

Ordinarily he would have shoved Jason away, told him not to touch him but it was comfortable, he might have been stuck in a corner but for someone he’d been rather scared of following what happened at the Grand Prix Final a few years back, Jason was the safest person in Shanghai. A thought that he’d probably be sickened by in the morning. The elevator door opened and their company left, Jason letting out a small hiss. “Fuck, your hands are cold.” His hands? Tim hadn’t been aware that he’d reciprocated the hug, a fact made more startling as he realised his hands were under Jason’s shirt, seeking out the warmth of skin on skin.

He wouldn’t have thought it to be a pleasant feeling, although Tim didn’t think too hard about these kinds of touches, they just weren’t important compared to how a doctor might touch a sore spot of the feeling of skin rubbing off in a new pair of skates. “Yeah… ‘m sorry.” The words weren’t quite slurred but they didn’t come out easily either. He didn’t bother taking his hands away though. Tim finding himself resting his head against Jason’s chest, it was only a few more storeys up but to be able to rest for even just a few seconds just felt right. He was by no means about to pass out and embarrass himself.

He was released the second the elevator stopped moving, Jason giving him a moment to straighten himself before stepping back. Tim didn’t think he swayed at all but the pitied look Jason gave him told him otherwise. He definitely needed some assistance, stumbling over the slight lip in the carpeting from the open elevator door. Irresponsible design plan rather than his own struggles in walking, but there was an arm around him once more, guiding him towards his hotel room door.

Their night was certainly coming to a decided end, not by his own choice but given they had to be awake for the practice in just a few hours’ time, awake and sober, he could accept his fate and sleep likely would come quickly. “Do you have your key on you?” Tim felt around his pockets, pulling out his wallet and handing it over to the other, it wasn’t like he couldn’t have gotten the card out but he could also acknowledge the fact that if he did there was a decent chance that if he did the rest of his cards would spill out.

They were inside quickly, Jason standing awkwardly at the door whilst Tim made his way over to the bed. Laying on his back as he tried to kick his shoes off. “Jay… Don’t leave.” It was almost breathless as though kicking the shoes off was a real struggle for him, as though he wasn’t a professional athlete.

“I need to go to sleep and you don’t seem like you’re great at sharing a bed.” That got him to sit up, his lips pressed in a thin line. He could stand up and drag Jason over but then again, he would likely fall over within two steps. He wasn’t going to be able to conquer getting changed into more suitable clothing either.

“You won’t know until you try.” Defiant, almost childish as though he was trying to prove a point. “Sends a fuck you message to others… to Bruce.”

“I also don’t feel like having hungover Tim killing me for drunk Tim’s poor decision making.” He wobbled as he rose, Jason taking two long strides to grab a hold of him, set him back down on the bed.

Jason mustn’t have expected what came next, Tim’s hand gripping at Jason’s wrist and pulling him down onto the bed, he didn’t make a noise but an outsider would be able to see that he was startled by the movement. “I’m not some mindless drone who can’t stick up for himself and doesn’t know what he’s doing.” He whispered, hovering over Jason. He couldn’t read his expression, in all honesty he didn’t want to.

It wasn’t about Jason, it was about him. About what he wanted, to do or otherwise. Their lips didn’t crash together, at first it was all Tim, kissing him forcefully and desperately, it not being returned until a begging, ‘please,’ slipped past his lips. What did he want? The back of his mind told him this was more than enough, a thought that was quickly shoved to the side by the greedy voice that wanted to take as much as he could.

Kiss, touch, breathe each other’s air. It was something he needed, a touch that was unfamiliar but felt so safe, unlike others there wasn’t this residual fear that he’d intentionally hurt him. In the past or the future perhaps there would be but not tonight.

Was this the actual reason why Jason wouldn’t let go of him for most the night? Not because he’d wanted to avoid one or both of them getting lost but out of interest in him? It didn’t matter. It was happening unless one of them stopped it and Tim had no interest in letting it stop. Jason might have tasted like whatever crappy beers they’d been drinking, mixed in with a sweetness that Tim had no idea where it came from. Truthfully Jason could have started drinking cocktails at some point and he wouldn’t have noticed, he’d stopped paying proper attention to him the moment he moved over to the dance floor.

Kisses moved from Jason’s lips to along his jawline and neck, pushing up his shirt at the same time. It didn’t last long. A frustrated groan escaped him as a firm hand to his chest pushed him away. He got it, keep it light, only for Jason to jerk his head away when he tried to kiss him again. “Tim, no.” He let his hand rest on the bed, not understanding why he was turning him down, perhaps his previous review of the night had been completely wrong.

“I’m not a kid.”

“I know how you’re feeling, you’re pissed off with Bruce and you think this will get back at him. I’m the gold medallist at being pissed off with Bruce but I’m not going to let you do this.”

“It’s not just about Bruce.” He wanted nothing more than to show Jason exactly what he meant but he wasn’t about to endure the humiliation of being rejected again. God, he shouldn’t have tried anything. Jason was right hungover Tim was going to be mad about drunk Tim’s decision making. “I’m going to go…”

He could hear Jason suck in a breath between his teeth as he stood, Tim glancing down expectantly for whatever opinion he had. “It’s your room.”

Oh, right. Better sit back down then.

“I’ll leave, get some rest and we’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” That probably wasn’t true, Tim already wanted to start avoiding Jason, well just earlier tonight he wanted to avoid everyone but had let Jason in after a few convincing words. “Tim?” He really didn’t want to respond.

He should though. “Yeah, I’ll sleep.”

“That’s not what I’m- okay, just make sure you set an alarm.” There was a wave and then he was gone. Alone again, it wasn’t as bad as earlier though, he was thoroughly exhausted now but he still had the sense to check that his alarms were set. Other things were not taken care of however, leaving the lights on and still dressed he allowed himself to crash.

Drinking had been a mistake, not because of the headache. That hadn’t been half as bad as he’d expected it to be. No the mistake came from the fact that he remembered every detail from the night before, it was humiliating at best and now he had to not recoil under Jason’s gaze, he couldn’t shy away without people realising Tim had tried to get with him only to be rejected because it had been interpreted as revenge.

It hadn’t been. He knew that much. He’d wanted comfort and his intoxicated mind told him that Jason was the person capable of giving him said comfort. That sex was the best form of comfort. At least he hadn’t forced conversation on him, but that was because the practice had been busy, there was still time to be backed into a corner, whilst they waited to skate or at the banquet later tonight. He should have just changed his flight and gone home a night early.

That wasn’t going to be any easier though.

Going back home meant showing up to the rink and that wasn’t something he wanted to face for quite some time. If ever.

At least the jumps didn’t feel as off today. He didn’t exactly have anything to prove to anyone and if he popped them well at least he landed them. That wasn’t entirely true, he now had to prove he didn’t have some sort of injury and that the mistake riddled free program was nothing more than a fluke. That they hadn’t put too many eggs in the basket of a younger skater when they could have taken up someone who had been solid for years even if those solid scores didn’t always guarantee a podium finish.

“Tim are you running through the skate or are you just winging it?” Laughter came from the several skaters that were on the ice, it wasn’t comment he would wing it but the last time he’d used the song he had claimed to be doing so. A thumb up was all that was needed for them to put CD in, the piano was in a different key compared to last time, the piano rather than the odd synth mix coming through that anyone that was a fan in the stands watching the practice would likely be recording it to put it online. There were no secrets when it came to music and that was why the first time they’d gotten away with it had been such a coup.

In truth it probably looked like he was winging it right now, marking certain patterns, making sure he didn’t risk having any clashes. He might have right of way but focus still lapsed and there were more people on the ice than normal. The only things he did full out were the spins and the axel with the falling leaf  flourish he’d put in there, purely to see if he could hit it. It didn’t feel quite right but he wasn’t going to let it weigh on him.

This was a Gala, it didn’t mean anything. It might be an emotional song but he was still entitled to have fun with it. He just couldn’t screw it up.

Iris Allen West    @WestFigures                                                1 minute ago

And I thought his original version of this skate made me feel things.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯            @PranceOn                                                            1 minute ago

BRUCE WAYNE’S PHONE ABOUT TO BLOW UP WITH THE MESSAGE THAT JUST GOT SENT!

Wally West        @WestSpeeds                                                       2 minutes ago

I was promised trash club beats! @Tricky-Dicky you lied to me!

Dick Grayson    @Tricky-Dicky                                                       30 seconds ago

Lies and slander!

Mel -> Shanghai @MelMonster                                                       2 minutes ago

JFC can he just do this skate forever. So many phone flashlights on.

Joker                     @MistahJSays.                                                      2 minutes ago

No one could possibly be entertained or enthused about watching Tim Drake skate.

Dick Grayson    @Tricky-Dicky                                                   3 minutes ago

God I wish I could be there to watch that live. Come home so I can force you to skate it 50 times over #TimTrash

Tim Drake Trash                @TinyTimTeam333                         3 minutes ago

ASDFGHJKL DICK IS TIM TRASH NUMBER 1

Skater Zoned                      @SkaterZoned                                    2 minutes ago

Your beautiful choreography always helps!

Tim’s Coffee      @JennyWeeps                                                  4 minutes ago

How many times are you going to make me cry this week Timothy?!??!

[boudicathebrave]

Rewatching the discussion about Molly’s backstory, which is very interesting by the way. Under the cut because I’m doing a breakdown of the scene and it’s very long (thanks to crtranscript so I don’t have to retype everything). I went with mostly referring to everyone by the actors’ names because I was talking about the expressions they were making so much and just wanted it a little more consistent but I probably did some switching back and forth: just ignore that.

Taliesin said, “I woke up without any names, or any past, buried in the ground two years ago.” Sam’s face just went slackjawed and he was staring into the middle distance, thinking hard and then he said, urgently, “Were you dead?” (Taliesin: “Obviously not.” Sam gets sidetracked looking through Jester’s spells and then makes Jester cast zone of truth (because Laura wasn’t there). Nott and Molly both fail their charisma saving throws.)

Travis asks what Molly remembers before waking up in the dirt. Taliesin: “There is no before. Whatever happened before is not me. It’s not part of anything–” Sam asks, loudly and kind of in the manner of one speaking deliberately like they’re telling a pun or laying down a clue, “Like your life reset somehow? ... Or you just don’t remember?”

Sam watches with a look of intense concentration as Taliesin replies, “Some asshole got buried in the dirt. Fuck him. I am enjoying what I’m doing; I want nothing to do with that. Anything that came before, I was happy to just leave it be.” Liam then asks “ Yeah, but do you have any theories for what happened before?” Taliesin says “No” and Sam kind of nods his head like “okay then.”

Sam takes a break to take a big swig from his flask and as Marisha asks “ Did you look the same, or did you come back---?” he *seems* to lower the flask more slowly than one would expect.

TALIESIN: How would I know?

SAM: Everything before two years ago is nothing to you. Black.

TALIESIN: That’s somebody else.

(Sam mutters “Okay”)

TRAVIS: Two years ago, did you have all those tattoos? (Sam looks at Taliesin with an absolute laser focus. His look is more serious as he continues to listen.)

TALIESIN: No, not exactly.

SAM: Any of them?

TALIESIN: Some of them, yes.

LIAM: How much time passed between waking up in a dirt box and the circus?

TALIESIN: Days. (Sam looks forward like “holy shit”.) I was a bit out of it.

The conversation goes on for a bit with some interesting tidbits, but Sam’s face is really hard to read during it.

Then Sam asks a very loaded, slow and deliberate question: “ Do you really not want to know your past? Answer truthfully.” Taliesin replies, “I really don’t. Whoever that was came to that end, and I want nothing to do with that.Whatever it was, it doesn’t feel good when I– the moment when something creeps through, I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I was happy! I liked the circus! The circus was great!” Meanwhile Sam had that contemplative, slightly skeptical look on his face and you could practically see the math fly around as he mulled it all over.

The conversation goes on for a bit and then Sam says, insistently, “I’m sorry to belabor this, but what if you had a good life before this? What if you were famous or rich or had friends or family?”

Taliesin replies, a little annoyed, “Okay, here’s the thing that you’re not catching. (Sam watches very intently, a little guardedly.) That wasn’t me. This is mine. I don’t want anything from that other person anymore. That person is someone else. I don’t want anything to do with it. I did not feel good coming out of that. It was– I’m in for a penny, might as well. I’m told, although I don’t entirely remember this part, that I only said the word empty over and over again for the first week.”

Sam looks shocked at the word “empty” kind of stricken. People talk a bit and Sam repeats, “Empty” softly and sadly. He then starts to say something but Taliesin cuts him off by continuing, “That sounds terrible. I don’t want to remember anything. I don’t want to anybody else’s baggage in my head and I don’t want anybody else’s problems, thoughts, ideas. I like this person,right now is a good person. Is a fine person. Is a happy person.” Sam is just focused and attentive.

They talk for a bit, about maybe finding the book and such, and Taliesin says, “Can you imagine what it would feel like to not feel anything about anything that had happened to you so far?” Sam says very resolutely and quickly, “No.”

Marisha says “Yes.” And Sam looks at her like “what the fuck did you just say?” and quickly says, “What do you mean yes? You can imagine what it’s like what it’s like to not feel anything before this moment? Have you died before?“ Sam listens intently.

MARISHA: No. Doesn’t mean you have to find meaning in meaningless things.

TALIESIN: It’s very freeing. It’s the best thing– it’s the thing that happened to me. It’s not the best thing that happened to me, it’s the thing that happened to me. I found peace in building a new person. The Moonweaver–

MARISHA: You know just because you know about your past doesn’t mean you have to be beholden to it.

SAM: (nods) That’s true.

MARISHA: If you–

TALIESIN: What if it feels that I owe it something?

MARISHA: You don’t owe your past shit. If I don’t feel anything about my past, but I still remember it and I still don’t give a fuck about where I came from then, why should you care about shit that you don’t even remember?

TRAVIS: That’s a layered question.

Sam mutters really quietly either “I don’t know about that” or “You would know about that.” He looks intent, skeptical, and like he’s disagreeing during Taliesin’s next reply.

TALIESIN: I spent two years before I met you all cajoling people, occasionally ripping them off, occasionally doing a good turn here or there. Never trust the truth. The truth is vicious. The truth thinks you owe it something. None of that. I like my bullshit. It’s good. It’s happy. It makes other people happy.

SAM: But it’s not who you are. (Sam says this kind of like “Oh come on Molly that’s not good enough”. The tone is kinda hard to describe here)

TALIESIN: It is exactly who I am. (Sam looks a bit like he disagrees)

They talk about the Moonweaver and Molly’s swords.

Sam asks, very genuinely, “If you always lie and bullshit, how are we ever going to believe you?”

Taliesin replies, “Because I always lie and bullshit.” Sam looks very disatisfied with that answer.

MARISHA: I can kind of agree with that. Cheers to bullshit. (Sam looks at them in distaste)

TALIESIN: I may be a liar but I’m never a betrayer. I’m honest in my work, and I believe in doing a good turn. (Sam gives a little nod) I’ve never cheated you out of money. I’ve never robbed from you. I stayed with that circus for two years, I know how people treat each other. It’s important. (Sam crosses his arms and gives Taliesin a side eye.) And all that stuff you told me before? I’ve got to admit, I didn’t even listen to any bit of it. (Sam looks somewhat stonefaced) I was just trying to teach you a lesson. I don’t care where you’ve been. I don’t care what terrible things any of you have done. You’re here now. This is how it works.

They talk for a bit. Then Sam says, “But I will say this: Lucien?” Like he’s not sure if Molly wants to go by Lucien or not.

Taliesin says fiercely, “Let me make this abundantly clear. My name is Molly. That person is dead and not me.It’s just a person who had this body. They abandoned it, it’s mine now.”

Sam replies, calmly but insistently, “ I think that you need to know where you’ve been to know where you’re going and I respect your feelings– “

Taliesin, cutting in brusquely, irritated a bit: And I feel---

Sam: But I feel---

Taliesin: ---that you’re fretfully ignorant and filled with platitudes. But I still like you regardless. (He sounds fond by the end)

Sam, still calm and insistent: I feel like when you’re ready to know your past, I would support that and I would help you find it.

Taliesin muses, threateningly, getting more aggressive as he goes on: Maybe he killed goblins. Maybe he was a goblin hunter. Maybe he ate them. Raw. (Sam meanwhile has on a “you don’t know me. your words aren’t affecting me” kind of expression. Sam mutters “As long as he [something something]” but the rest is lost in crosstalk.)

Marisha closes out by saying “ For what it’s worth, I like you a little better now.” And Sam follows up with a quick “Me too.”

That’s about it for Nott’s reactions to Molly’s backstory. There was also some interesting stuff in there about Beau hounding Molly about fortunetellers who “set people on a wrong path” and Yasha saying she finds multiple people attractive and charming but wouldn’t pursue it. Gosh ep. 49 was so illuminating about Nott’s insistence, which I at first thought was really rude but now see she was speaking from her own perspective and relating to Molly deeply, and just couldn’t imagine accepting herself as the goblin she is now and not caring about being Veth. Molly’s words at the end “And I feel that you’re fretfully ignorant and full of platitudes” were so so cutting now that we understand Nott better. Obviously Molly saying them is understandable and I’m not condemning him, but ouch.

I also really liked how Nott kept asking everyone “but did you die though” and how the context of that question has changed.

Matt’s face is basically so unreadable to me that idk if I caught any tells or anything. I wasn’t paying super attention to it because he’s got a great stoneface but I think he might’ve made some slight expressions at the beginning of the conversation and when Nott asked Molly if he’d died.

[iimaginedragons]

track review

“jumpsuit” & “nico and the niners” by twenty one pilots

emo alternative hip-hop rap-rock electropop superstars twenty one pilots dropped two songs a few days ago from their upcoming album “trench” to come out later this year; here’s my take on the two very different but very awesome singles.

a note before i start: i have researched a good deal about the meaning of this song by making mental links to the journal entries twenty one pilots have been posting on a cryptic website and by reading up on genius lyrics annotations as well as a decent variety of clique theories. if you haven’t really done this, some of my review may be a little confusing. 

i’ll start right off by saying this; i’ve had both songs on loop for several hours already throughout these past few days and i have to say that i’m pretty impressed. i think that both of these songs are extremely creative, well written, and well produced, and although each, to me, has a very different energy, i love that many aspects of the “blurryface” era were both kept and switched up. overall, i love both songs a lot, yet i do have a couple of nitpicky issues that i’ll address as best as i can in this review. 

let’s begin with “jumpsuit” which is the first of the two. the first thing i have to say is that i am absolutely in love with the baseline, and when those synths and more powerful drums kick in, it feels very much like a mashup of a “vessel” song and a “blurryface” song, which i am absolutely here for. tyler’s vocals sound excellent on the first chorus, though personally i would have perhaps toned down the effect on his voice a little bit. i also really enjoy the simple verse, especially the way he says “friend or foe?”. another highlight of this song is definitely the bridge -- here’s a place where the vocal effect totally works for me and actually enhances the song rather than taking away from it. the piano here is also beautiful. and of course, there’s tyler’s signature screaming and that extra heavy breakdown, which is my personal favourite part of the song in terms of sound.

lyrically, i find the bridge to be the most interesting. some clique theories are saying that based off the music video, these lyrics represent tyler expressing his intentions to blurryface, which are that yes, he will likely be afraid and desperate and sad and hopeless again, but he will not succumb to these things (ergo, to blurryface) without fighting tooth and nail for his sanity and happiness, an intention which he further crystallizes with the powerul screaming of the common line “jumpsuit, jumpsuit, cover me”. i think this is a brilliant message to send and a very clever way to link the blurryface era and the “trench” era. to me, the yellow jumpsuit represents hope and perseverance in the search for happiness (or in the alternate metaphorical world that tyler and josh present to us, the escape from the fictional city of dema, which i think represents depression). i do find the repetition of that one line a bit irritating after many listens, but not enough for me to dislike the song or anything. i just wish tyler had maybe taken a variation on that particular line at certain points in the song, that’s all. overall though, a very solid track in all aspects.

now onto “nico and the niners” which is my personal favourite of the two. the moment i heard the ukulele in the beginning, it made me incredibly happy. my constant fear is that artists will omit or at least gloss over with too much production some of their signature instruments or sounds in their further work (for example, i always fear that further fall out boy work will lack catchy but intricate guitar riffs (and unfortunately that fear became a reality with the release of “m a n i a”)), so i was glad not to see the disppearance of the ukulele which was so well-used, especially in the blurryface era. the hip/hop reggae mixed hook is absolutely incredible, encompassing a lot of meaning and solid sound in only a few short lines. the bass and vocals also really contribute to that reggae vibe when tyler sings the line “my jumpsuit takes me so high” (among others), while the percussion is what makes me think of hip/hop. i really like those very subtle notes in the background of the second hook, although i still can’t tell if they’re guitar or keyboard. the quick rap part is a highlight of this song as well -- it sounds awesome and it’s incredibly meaningful as well. sound wise, there really isn’t a thing i dislike about this particular song.

in terms of lyrics, i find this track to be stronger than jumpsuit, partly because it has a good bit less of repetition, but also because of the meaning behind the lyrics. the hook is extremely catchy, i love that “east is up” kicks off those first three lines; it really grabs my attention and gets me to listen closely to what he’s going to say next -- sidenote: this is a prime example of repetition being used accordingly and very well. according once again to the clique and to genius lyrics annotations, nico is rumoured to be the name of one of the nine bishops that rule over dema, each bishop representing an insecurity, fear, etc. that holds tyler back from getting out of his depression (aka escaping from dema). what i then interpret is that tyler explains that “dema don’t control us” and that even when the “bishops come together” (when tyler’s struggles rise and become greater and perhaps cumulative), he understands that he can still control his own mind and make his own path away from depression. this part really made me think of the lyrics from “holding onto you” in which tyler describes tying a leash around his mind in order to gain control over it. the entire song is pure lyrical genius to me, especially the quick rapping part, where tyler says that the escape from dema will be “funded” by all the money that razorblade stores have made, and that they have so much that they could “start a concert, a complete diversion” to help them get out. these lines could mean so many different things, both together and on their own. what i get from them is that there’s this vicious cycle of self-harm/suicide, getting clean/bringing awareness to it or mourning the person, and then falling back into it all over again/forgetting about it. this cycle happens so often that if we were to turn around and crush these things by actually using or channelling that strength, time, resolve, etc. that is being taken away from us by depression into working for our escape instead, we’d be able to buy a racehorse, fund a concert, etc., all very expensive things, so basically we’d find the means to get out, and not just be “not depressed” but actually be happy because of this surplus of lost potential that we have. for me it really refers to the ability we have as people to take control of our lives, purely because we are able to be so down and sad and lost; why shouldn’t we have that very same ability to be so high and happy and grounded in our lives and in who we are, seeing as we can be such polarized beings (see what i did there)? instead, however, we fall back into our old habits. basically, i see these lines as a discussion about all of our wasted/buried potential even as depressed humans, which in itself is either sad or hopeful. i could be dead wrong on this interpretation, but either way, overall, these lyrics are extremely deep and incredibly clever.

now, i did say i say i had a couple of nitpicky criticisms. i mentioned one above which was a little sound thing in “jumpsuit” -- my only other criticism relates to both songs, and it is that both of these tracks, though especially “nico and the niners”, have direct references to the entire fictional universe of dema, clancy, the bishops, etc.. since i consider myself a pretty devoted member of the clique, i’ll go out and research all this stuff because i enjoy it so much. however, for someone who enjoys twenty one pilots but is not that invested in them or in music in general, these songs, at times, make little sense. i think anyone could catch onto the fact that the jumpsuit is this idea of shielding yourself from your struggles, of striving towards recovery, but in “nico and the niners”, tyler talks about dema, the bishops, the banditos, etc. and i don’t think that these references are obvious enough for a more casual fan to really catch onto. that is not to say that these are bad lyrics; far from it -- i just mean that i don’t think that they can really be appreciated by those who are not crazily dedicated to this band or to music, and may be written off as meaningless shit that just sort of sounded good, so tyler and josh made it into a song. we had a few direct mentions of blurryface in the past album, in both “stressed out” and “goner” yet blurry was always a slightly more abstract concept than what we’re seeing with dema and the whole rest of the “trench” stuff, making it so that if a casual fan listened to the entire blurryface album, they’d probably be able to understand some sort of progression or evolution in going from “my name’s blurryface and i care what you think” in “stressed out” to “i got two faces, blurry’s the one i’m not” in “goner” even without totally knowing what blurryface himself represents. if you want to argue and say “who cares, this is for the clique anyway” i’ll just stop you right there because i honestly disagree. it’s totally okay for tyler to make all of these direct references to this beautiful and brilliant concept that he’s creating, but i don’t think that a song should require hours (okay, exaggeration, i know) of online reading for just an average fan to even understand. i think that a song should be mostly able to stand alone, without the concept of the album doing most of the work in holding it up as a quality piece of work. i’m not for albums that are all over the place or singles that just don’t fit either, don’t get me wrong; i just mean that i want the song to be cohesive so that it doesn’t rely fully on something that not everyone will research. of course it can (and should, at least in terms of concept albums) refer back to that common storyline or at least theme, but not so much that it’s literally meaningless wihout it. excellent concept albums have been released in which every song can stand alone but also link right back to the common storyline; i mean, look at every single album by my chemical romance (“danger days: the true lives of the fabulous killjoys” does walk that line a little closer than the rest with tracks like “destroya” and in some moments “na na na”, but not nearly as heavily as these two twenty pilots tracks do). for me, “jumpsuit” passes the standalone test with only a bit of difficulty, but “nico and the niners” walks that line quite precariously, leaning a bit towards the side that says that it just doesn’t quite work if you don’t understand the bigger picture.

all this to say though, that is honestly my only criticism of these songs, and since it doesn’t really apply to me as i’m a pretty dedicated fan and proud member of the clique, here are some pretty high ratings for these two tracks:

my final rating for “jumpsuit” is an 8.0/10.

my final rating for “nico and the niners” is an 8.5/10.

if you want me to do more in-depth track reviews like this, just drop a song in my ask anytime and i’ll get it up there asap, obviously crediting you in the process. thanks for reading the whole damn way through!

---mel

[savefrog]

This post could be read sarcastically but it’s not. I can honestly see why people would be upset with this. I do like seeing interiors (Sun and Moon had some great interiors that said a lot about the world and characters) and I do get the whole BIG HUGE OPEN WORLD GO ANYWHERE = IMMERSION!!! Thing etc.

(Warning: the rest of this post is just LONG rambling about game design that is honestly less about Scarlet and Violet and just more about me getting annoyed when people think cutting anything in a game is bad without analyzing the effect it has overall on the Gamefeel (tm). The cinemasins-type stuff of video gaming)

But also this just makes me think about how a really important aspect of Game Design is what you leave out. It is sometimes GOOD to leave things out and streamline an experience. Not just for making the game easier to make but for preventing meaningless bloat; it makes things easier for the player too. It makes the game’s overall Feel stronger. And i think when it comes to open world game people kind of want and expect it to have EVERYTHING, as though that’s just a logical progression of games being “better” or “more realistic” (even though barging into random houses is not realistic, but i don’t really care about THAT level of realism). Like as though not checking off every item on a checklist of features past games had is proof of inherent “bad design” (and it could be!! It can be bad!! It’s just not INHERENTLY bad).

Films will cut scenes for just dragging on too long or for just being redundant or for slowing down the pace of the movie. It happens to games behind the scenes constantly too, but i feel the player response is often like “I can’t believe they cut this level from the game they have deprived us” when the developers may have been like “all the playtesters hate this fucking level and are getting stuck and quitting and say it ruined their lives and it’s not worth 5 months of fixing it when we have to work on something else and most likely we are under crunch i havent slept in 3 days and haven’t seen a vegetable in 2 weeks.” (i mean film is no different i feel fans of a movie are always like “I CANT BELIEVE THEY CUT THIS SCENE!!” when like…it added nothing. And it’s ok for scenes to exist for the sake of existing but like. Again. That depends on the Overall Feel you are going for just like with games.)

Like by no means am I going to defend Scarlet/Violet like “the new pokemon game cut this out purely because of game design genius and not because the team was crunched to death” and like. Ok maybe I’M the only guy with an issue about generic npc houses making me have silent mental breakdowns and like it’s just an obvious thing to have in a jrpg….but i just feel like it may become one of those things that’s criticized as proof of “WOW i cant believe they were TOO LAZY to add this” points, when it’s one of the smarter cuts. When there’s SO more to critique and actually it makes sense for a game like this to do this??

Early game npcs in houses that just tell you things you already know but SOMETIMES giving you items, thus making you feel you HAVE to talk to ALL of them and mash through all the generic dialogue did not Add Anything to my experience. Yes, I do love how Legends Arceus for example had NPCs talk about their lives in a way that made the world feel more alive….but also the thought of going into all of those near identical houses that i lost track of to get these interactions made me want to die inside. NPCs that gave quests about their curiosity of pokemon had the same effect of making the world feel alive, without also being hair-pullingly slow and repetitive and inane. I would’ve much preferred if you could only go inside those houses when a quest called for it and maybe some special exceptions, for my fucking sanity!!

Like i feel like this expectation for you to be able to go ANYWHERE in modern Open World games (which yes, is exciting and it’s in the name) is why Sword and Shield really leaned into you being able to go into every goddamn building when previous pokemon games had buildings without doors as environmental details which is like. Okay to have in games. I want people to know it’s ok to take shortcuts when designing a game. It’s okay!!! (Can you tell im a bigger fan of weird little indie games than AAA games where REALISM is the only metric shit is judged by.)

And maybe in some games it works better than others; it’s about what it’s adding to the overall experience. I think going into every house and talking to every npcs works for Mother 3 for example because the game revolves around how this one little town is changing over time and how the inhabitants are reacting. Maybe a game that’s more resource-heavy, like Lisa the Painful, the tension of hoping you get an item and not getting randomly screwed means a lot more to the player when it comes to random nameless npc interaction. It worked for me in Fallout games because you were meant to be a survivor scrounging for resources, but it was totally unnecessary and not included in Borderlands because that game prioritizes shoot n’ loot and wants you to get those resources from pumped up action, rather than slow quiet scavenging. For Pokemon I DO think it is really important for the world to feel like it’s alive and friendly and full of interactions between humans and pokemon but I think that’s better kept to little vignettes when it comes to unnamed characters we will never talk to again because if the endgoal is just to show these interactions, you can still do so while respecting player time. …or maybe not having to wait for the interior to load would fix it feeling like as much of a chore. But like the characters outside of houses playing with their pokemon do more for the atmosphere to me, than an npc standing in their house saying “I love my pokemon!” And not much else.

I forget which game did it, but I remember something where doors of houses you could go in were colored differently which was genius! Game developers could do the thing of having empty buildings to fill the space without making an endless dialogue torture session!! And it fit into the world of the game with “people who welcome travelers paint their door a specific color! ☺️☺️☺️”. I cannot remember, was this a pokemon game that did this or am i imagining it?? Anyway it was fucking genius and immediately clues player into where they could go without the frustration of some doors being locked with no indicator or ALL of them being locked. TO BE HONEST this is the IDEAL for the pokemon series, I think!!! If they didn’t do this before they should do this!!

I mean in the case of this game. I 100% think it’s the result of not having enough time and needing to prioritize elsewhere. It may have had to do with loading times (I feel like this is why pokemon centers are outside as well. Which actually does ALSO feel like it suits the outdoorsy adventure vibe and makes me dread going back to the center less. May also be a carryover from PLA). They probably would’ve had random npc houses full of nothing dialogue if given the chance. The team likely cut it strategically and it’s only coincidence that it benefits my gaming hangups. But also im dreading seeing “you can’t go into the buildings in this town” come up as one of those CinemaSins-esque DINGs without the analysis of “Not being able to go into the buildings makes me feel like the town is less immersive” or “Not being able to go into the buildings when past games did makes me feel less welcome, and conflicts with my view of the pokemon world as being very open to travelers” or just something instead of “GAME NOT HAVE FEATURE I EXPECT. THEREFORE BAD.” without any reasoning as to why this particular missing feature is bad.

I CHEERED when i couldn’t go into the houses in Bravely Default’s first town!!! It is not inherently bad for a game to not have a thing other games have when it would not have benefited that game’s overall Gamefeel. Like Breath of the Wild not having traditional dungeons. I LOVED the puzzle heavy dungeons of past Zelda games. But those REQUIRE being extremely linear, restricting movement, progression and they also do not mesh well in an open world game that’s about approaching things with wacky physics. Just try designing a dungeon with a progression of rooms that must be open in certain order to prevent the player from immediately completing it in 5 minutes when the player can glide, climb, have ANY assortment of items/equipment because there’s no determined unlock order and also not just make it a straight line. It’s possible but it’s not easy and by that point it is also not going to feel like the rest of the game and you have to ask “Will the game benefit from having two totally different gameplay “modes”, or should I focus on one?”. BOTW having smaller “dungeons” (Shrines) works well because if the player breaks it, it was meant to be short anyway. The player can do as many as they want in any order as well. They will also not get stuck progression-wise if they break it in the Bad Way. I can understand why people may not like them, but also just saying “bring back old style zelda dungeons” is not an argument that can be made like “just cause the old games had it” when the mechanics of this one are SO DIFFERENT.

Or like the complaints early on with Pokemon Go having no wild battles. The complaint was “it’s not like past pokemon games” and i was also intially skeptical, but that complaint did not factor in the fact i dont want to stand there in public and slowly lower health while people stare at me. The throwing pokeball mechanic works really well for the mobile platform. It streamlines the process of catching pokemon in a way that respects player time and also was more engaging to general audiences.

In short. Games cutting feature are not inherently bad. Think why it was cut and if it would’ve fit the mechanics/gamefeel. Except for fishing minigames. Not having a fishing minigame DOES inherently make a game suck. Sorry.

BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT OF NEW POKEMON GAME:

i cant go inside the random little house and obsess over talking to every single npc and insist i cant move on until i talk to each and every one even though i am not enjoying it and it feels like a chore but it HAS to be done!!!!!!! IM FUCKING FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (hasn’t reached that big school area yet)

(literally got stuck and stopped playing sword and shield bc of this in the ice city, its why i never beat it. not even joking that i stopped playing rpgs bc of this)

[traumaconvos]

The other day I shut down in therapy to the point that I had to end the session early. I was talking with my therapist about how external depression makes sense because its circumstances but internal depression doesn't make sense to me because it just seems like my body randomly going hey today we're not going to function normally. We had talked about how the internal & external can feed into each other which create a negative feedback loop. The external to me is a puzzle to be solved through work, systems and routine that I can figure out. The internal is a puzzle but my brain is basically saying the puzzle, and therefore life, is meaningless.

Let's back way up for a minute. Because of the way my parents decided to "raise" me I didn't have friends growing up that were around my age. I spent most of my pre adult life just longing for friends, let alone someone to date. When I went to Lee I was just self aware enough to know that I was socially awkward but not aware enough to be able to fix it. I just knew that I was awkward and that something about me was off which was confirmed to me through numerous social interactions. To my credit I worked on this over the years and largely feel like I've grown past this. I consider Lee the greatest point in my life because it was the only time that I've been around people my age with a shared interest (graduating from Lee) and where I had multiple friend groups in different social circles. That being said over the years there's been this certain uneasiness that I have that even though people love me and would do anything for me, I never feel truly accepted. I never feel truly safe.

Let's back up even further now. External depression has always been with me in some sense because there hasn't been a point in my life where I didn't have a sense of longing for something that I haven't experienced. When I was growing up it was friends. When I was at Lee it became women. When I left Lee it was wanting to be accepted and valued for my work and still wanting a relationship. Even though I intentionally chose to cut myself off from my family, there's a certain emotional feeling that comes with that despite the logic of accepting it. I think that feeling while it might not be rejection, it's a lack of a sense of acceptance. I think that fear of never being truly accepted, whether rational or not, is present in every part of my life. I feel like I'm one fight, one bad conversation or one mistake away from anyone or everyone rejecting me. When I got Kolby one of the primary drivers of that decision was wanting to feel like I wasn't in life alone. I don't know fully if he's helped with that but that feeling of not having someone to share my life with, to celebrate the highs and the lows is still very much there. I say all that knowing that I have a fantastic group of friends who love and care about me. But given the lack of having an accepting family, the rejection I've faced personally & professionally combined with the friends I've lost this all makes sense.

Circling back to the end of the second paragraph. This all combines together in my work because of the rejection that I've faced there. A brief recap of my professional adult life:

- Worked a job for 2 years and I quit / was fired because of management making arbitrary changes for no reason to my schedule when I had already lined up freelance work

- The freelance work I accepted with Whiteboard was supposed to be a full time job even though it was structured like a retainer.

- I worked so hard there, constantly showing up before others and leaving well after they had gone because it was the first time I felt challenged.

- I was fired for reasons completely unrelated to my work that were an overreaction on Whiteboard's part

- Because the whiteboard guys were friends that I had known since college this wasn't just professional distance, I looked up to and respected them so it really hurt me that I would put so much of myself into my work and they would reject me.

- I realize now that this was traumatizing to me as I had a complete emotional breakdown over it.

- I took it as a catalyzing experience that failure was a motivator to succeed.

- While that was helpful in terms of what made me drive, the underlying part is that I am a failure.

- Doing freelance work made me feel like I was a failure.

- While it's partially that freelance was born out of failure the other part is that I still feel alone in my day to day life.

- I want to work with others so i can feel like I'm a part of something bigger than myself and I don't feel completely alone.

- I have been fired from multiple places:

- WB

- CG

- MM

- CC

- ID

- FW

All of those feelings combine with the longing from my teenage years for friends, the longing from my adult life for a relationship and the lack of feeling accepted because I've chosen distance with my family. I feel like I'm in my day to day life alone because the reality is my day to day life is spent largely alone. Combine those feelings of being alone with the rejection and the reason that I get so depressed / anxious / stressed about money and clients is because I feel like at any moment I will be abandoned, discarded and replaced. That's my big fear both personally and professionally. Rather unfortunately no matter how much I've grown personally or professionally that pattern keeps repeating. I'm terrified because while obviously my actions play a part the only part I focus on, even if I'm right, is that I failed.

Here's what frustrates me about all this. No matter how much I accept myself, the circumstances or my life this is ultimately out of my control. What I'm seeking here is a feeling of external validation from friends, job, a woman, etc that I don't know how to get. The external depression circumstance of being fired and unemployed feeds into the internal depression feeling of you don't matter and are a failure. Yes the next thing I'm going to write is going to be how I would respond if someone said all this to me and came to me for advice. But the thing I don't know how to solve is that no matter how much compassion I show myself, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I grow I'm never going to have that validated feeling until I am accepted externally. If I did everything perfectly with my diet, which I won't, I would still be a year or more away from feeling comfortable enough with myself to date. I know the feelings will stay. I know the longing will still stay. This is why internal depression feels like a maze that doesn't matter because I don't see a way out. I don't see a way to stop this feeling. I've had external depression for as long as I can remember but no matter how much I work, strive and fight I can be undone by one day of internal depression completely derailing all of my ambitions. I'm so exhausted dealing with this and i don't know how to fix it.

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Ok so before I start responding to the trauma side of me and all of that I'm going to intentionally email a client an invoice that I've been avoiding since August and see what happens.

I'm feeling some levels of apprehension doing this. Definitely still there and present. I was able to do it without any real issue but I do feel some sort of feeling that's hard to pin down as a response to doing it. When i've described anxiety before its usually been a feeling like a weight pushing down on different parts of my body. This is different in a way that is strange to describe. Its almost like I can feel something at the edge of my skin just there but still present. I feel it in my chest but most strongly in my arms.

Response time:

A lot of what you're talking about in the early part of this is the frustration that you feel over all these feelings that you've experienced for a large majority of your life. This is completely understandable and frustrating. You've always had an external depression element in your life in some capacity that feeds into the internal element and ends up making both worse. That sucks. But before I respond to anything else you need to recognize the fact that recognizing and categorizing those parts is progress. It's knowledge. You're still learning and growing. Being able to categorize how this is impacting you will make the process come faster on how to identify what's happening and counteracting. I think one of the biggest things that you're dealing with here is the fact that you're using the ability that you have to jump access when processing and seeing the whole mountain when you only need to see a single step forward. Because you can't actually see the finish line seeing the whole mountain makes you feel panicked and like its too overwhelming to ever actually complete. The biggest thing that you have to see going forward is that the steps that you're taking matter. I understand it's hard to see the progress you've made because all you feel is the exhaustion of still climbing. But the way to reframe that narrative is the fact the climb is the measure of the progress. Each step you're taking, even writing this, is an action that you couldn't have taken before but you could ONLY take because of the progress you've made. That's incredible. Seriously. You deserve to give yourself credit for that.

I know it's exhausting. I know it's draining. I know that most days you just want to lay in bed and do nothing. That's ok. Even the process of you doing that is completely different than where it would have been a year ago. You described external depression as a maze you can find your way out of and internal as a maze that seems pointless but it isn't. Here's the good news. Even when you feel overwhelmed and down at how overwhelming the entire maze is, you keep moving forward. You keep fighting. You keep progressing when all you want to do is give up. Do you know how badass that is? Seriously. You would be insanely proud of any of your friends making this progress so its time to be proud of yourself for doing that.

I'd normally try responding to each part of this but I don't think that I have to. You know that these are the root of the disease. You know you're attacking it. You know that you can't overcome this tomorrow. That's ok. No one besides you is telling you that you have to. I'm giving you permission to stop beating yourself up over not being able to solve your problems overnight. You don't have someone to share your life with personally or professionally in the context you want. That sucks. But its also not a problem that you have to solve overnight. You're still climbing. You're still one step closer than you were yesterday. That's how you beat this. Its not mentally deciding that you've over this and it will be fixed tomorrow. Its the thousands of moments you're taking learning to accept yourself, build yourself, care about yourself and fight for yourself. You've already progressed a lot. Multiple people see this. But no one, even me, is asking you to fix yourself tomorrow. Listen to yourself. Listen to what your brain and your body are telling you. Take this one step at a time, even if the way you get to the next step is sitting in bed for a week.

I am going to address one specific thing before I stop writing though. I want you to truly hear this and go back to it as many times as you need to. You are good enough. You do have value. Just because things haven't worked before doesn't mean they won't work in the future. Believe in yourself. Believe that you've grown. Sometimes things don't work out and that's ok. But I know that even if the situations have been setbacks you've grown. Even if you've doubted yourself and felt like you'll never be good enough, you keep pressing on. Its time to stop worrying about reaching the mountain top and start being focused on your next step. You've got this.