#why should i live a life where every second is exhausting what is the point

[ssahotchnerr]

BAHAH pls i need a fic where ellie’s cockblocking gets to the point where aaron is desperately asking auntie penelope or jj to babysit her and jack for a night.. he would even entrust spencer for a few hours if nobody else was available just for some alone time😫🤭

on hiatus

this concept is so funny i love it cw; mentions of sex (nothing explicit), brief suggestive content, bau teasing aaron, reader referred to as mom, dad!aaron wc; 1k

"Can't you ask?"

"Well, I could." Aaron's gaze shot to the side, through the blinds and down into the bullpen.

"It wouldn't hurt, right? Because I don't know about you, but I can't wait another night." You exhaled, a slight buzzing effect coming through the phone as a result.

"I'm right there with you." Aaron admitted, resisting the urge to squirm in his seat. "I'm seconds away from reinstalling that damn crib."

"So ask. Anyways, I gotta go. Jack will be home soon, and I should get Ellie up so she does sleep tonight."

Aaron chuckled softly, his eyes finding the family photo framed on his desk. "Why does it not surprise me that for nap time, she'll stay in her bed."

"Stubborn. Just like her father."

After saying goodbye to you, Aaron exited his office, heading to where JJ, Penelope and Derek were all congregating. Their eyes rose as he approached.

"What brings you down here?" JJ asked, using her feet to twist her chair back and forth. "We're not dawdling, I swear."

He brushed past her playful - and untrue - comment. "Need a favor."

Brief distress flashed on Derek's face. "If it requires more paperwork, just give it to Reid."

Like you had said, there was no harm in asking. "It has nothing to do with paperwork. Just in need of a babysitter for tonight."

Penelope's hand shot up, eyes brightening. "Me."

"Big Friday night eh?" Derek wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "What's on the agenda, where the two of you headin'?"

"Nowhere." Aaron shrugged nonchalantly, a smidge of embarrassment heating his face. He was hoping he could persuade with minimal details. "It'll only be for a few hours. We just need them out of the house."

"Oh," JJ smirked after a moment, accompanied with a touch of sympathy. Out of all people, she would understand. "I see."

Aaron met her eyes, keeping his face still but with subtle pleading, hoping she'd tune into it. One that read: I'm begging you not to elaborate.

They were adults. It wasn't a topic of taboo. He just wasn't just too partial on openly discussing his sex life with his colleagues. Doesn't matter how long he's known them.

"Need some, mommy and daddy time, don't you?"

Aaron's stern expression continued to linger, but gradually softened in confirmation. He was tired; tired of waiting and being on the brink.

"No wonder you've been so grumpy."

Aaron shot Morgan a look, before stating his case. "Ellie's out of her crib now. She's learned that the world still continues to go on past bedtime."

"She's out of her crib?" Penelope aww'ed, her bottom lip pouting in bittersweetness.

"And comes into our room," Aaron paused, "every night."

For the first few nights, Ellie had stayed put; the excitement and newness of it all enough to keep her in bed. However, it didn't take long for her to realize she could simply, get up.

She'd come into the living room - you'd usher her back into bed. Jack would come out a while later, complaining Ellie had gone into his room and awoken him - Aaron's turn to return her to bed.

Then came the excuses. She needed water (a sippy cup was given to her, and told this meant she had to go to sleep now). She wanted to watch a movie and "cuddle, please?" It took everything in Aaron to decline, especially after she played up the sweetness in her big, brown eyes.

You'd think after all that, she'd exhausted herself, but no. Next came her crawling into bed with the two of you.

That's where the matter currently stood. She didn't want to sleep in her new big girl bed, but rather, the big bed. Right in the middle, snug between the two of you, and keeping your plans on hiatus.

The next night, you had thought you were in the clear. But sure enough, the second Aaron was straddled atop you, his lips trailing your skin and leaving you breathless, did little footsteps make their way down the hall. Aaron would roll off you instead, supporting himself on an elbow, while you laid there defeatedly, anticipating the opening of your bedroom door.

And again the following night, the same occurrence of events. Admittedly it's been a while since the two of you have been intimate, due to a certain toddler and cases taking Aaron out of town.

Derek laughed, "She's a little menace. I love that kid."

Aaron sighed, both his frustration and need only growing more. His voice wavered on the desperate side, "So can one of you? Please. Just a few hours is all I'm asking."

"I'd be happy to relieve you two. For a full night even, Henry and Michael would love to have Jack and Ellie sleepover." JJ offered, and Aaron internally let out a deep sigh of relief. "Will and I have been there, I get it."

"I-"

"And Aunt Penelope can come too, don't worry." JJ interrupted Penelope with a smile, reaching over and giving her hand a gentle tap.

"I'd- We'd appreciate it. Thank you." Aaron's shoulders dropped, and he could already feel the tension leaving his body. A rush of energy swept through him too, anticipating the delightfully, now long, night ahead. He could not wait to get home.

His thoughts were put on hold when he noticed the glint in JJ's eyes.

"And so you can relieve yourself."

Derek cackled while Aaron rolled his eyes, turning away from the group to hide his smile.

"Just let me know what time you want them over."

[sweetestcaptainhughes]

some days are harder than others - Jack Hughes

Word Count - 1.8K

Summary - Today is the anniversary of losing your favorite family member suddenly. Your solution push everyone away and pretend that today doesn't excist.

Warnings - talks about the grieving process and mentions losing an aunt.

Author's Note - Today is actually the anniversary of my Aunt passing, she was one of my favorite humans and I think I wrote this to try and get some feelings out and processes my overall emotions about today. My heart goes out to anyone who can relate to this piece of writing because it sucks having to live life without your favorite human by your side anymore.

Masterlist

Today is a hard day, it’s the anniversary of when your favorite family member passed away. Waking up in bed you were grateful it was a Saturday and you didn’t have to take off work because there was no way you were going to leave your bed today. All you could do was try to wrap your brain around the fact that an entire year has passed - 365 days - since one of your favorite human beings left this earth.Wishing for nothing except to wallow in your own pity for the day, but you knew that your boyfriend Jack would be here soon since it was Saturday. Every single Saturday consistently coming over after he was done with the boys at the gym. But you didn’t want Jack to come over today, you wanted to be alone. Jack and you have only been dating for 6 months and although he has heard stories of your aunt he never met her. Today was meant to be a day for you to mourn the person you lost and the fact that she never got to meet the love of your life, or be at your wedding, or meet your future kids. Jack is a great guy, but you feared he wouldn’t understand why you were upset about the fact that your aunt never got to meet him. Finally looking at your phone since you woke up, your eyes barely focusing on the time 10:33 AM, before closing again out of pure exhaustion due to crying so much the night before, the warmth of your sheets helping the lure of sleep claim you once again. 

Opening your eyes again, waking up the banging of someone at your door. All you wanted to do was crawl further under your sheets and hide from the world, play pretend where your aunt was still alive even if your brain only believed it for a few seconds. But the banging continued, you knew Jack wouldn’t stop until you got up and came to the door or he got tired and used the emergency key you gave him last month. 

“Y/N! If you don’t come soon I will use my key!” he threatened. 

Shit I should have timed giving him that key until after today, you thought to yourself. Well since he plans on using it no point in me getting up. Pulling your comforter over your head, completely continuing your attempt to hide from the world around you. Taking a deep breath, as you heard Jack’s voice loud and clear along with his footsteps now. 

“Baby where are you?” he asks, his footsteps getting closer to your bedroom. It would be so simple to use your voice and tell him you were in your room but your voice felt raw with the tears streaming down your face thinking about what you were doing this time a year ago. 

Finally making his way to your bedroom, the door creaks as he opens it. “Y/N? Are you asleep, love.” he whispers, and it causes your voice to crack and a loud painful sob to be unleashed.Still hiding under the covers you feel the bed dip, meaning that Jack must have sat on the bed. The assumption you made, confirmed to be true when you felt his hand slide up and down your body trying to bring you comfort even though he didn’t know what was wrong. “Baby you’re scaring me, did I do something wrong?” his voice slightly creaking, suddenly your stomach dropped out of guilt for making Jack feel even slightly insecure. 

“Nnn - no.” you answer once you stop yourself from crying so hard. Your voice scratched as your throat burned from all of your tears. 

“What wrong babygirl?” he whispers scared if he raised his voice any louder you would start crying uncontrollably again. Slowly lifting the comforter off of you trying to catch a glimpse of your face. He swears his heart cracks a little, and his stomach drops when he sees how puffy and red your eyes are from crying, even though your hands are still covering most of your face. “Please tell me what I can do?” he begs. 

“Can we cuddle?” you ask weakly, Jack’s face grows a full toothy grin at your request. 

“Of course baby.” he gently says as he pulls the covers back to slide into the bed next to you. Jack laying on his back as you intangible your legs, half laying on top of him as your ear is pressed up against his chest, finding comfort in listening to his steady heartbeat. Jack lets you both lay there, he doesn’t speak, one hand playing with your hair, the other under your shirt lightly scratching your back. After a few moments, your body starts to relax for the first time that day. Closing your eyes allows yourself to be comforted by someone for the first time that day. 

Jack must have felt your body relax, sleep calling your name because the last thing you heard before you fell back asleep was him whispering in your ear. “It’s okay baby, I’m here, I’ll be here when you wake up.” Feeling a gentle kiss on the crown of your head as you felt your body fully drift asleep. 

Jack was true to his words, because the first thing you felt as you woke up was his grip on you and the first thing you heard was his little snores in your ears. Slightly moving to try and get a little more comfortable because your body felt glued to Jack’s, your arm was pinned under his back and it felt like pins and needles. Trying to get out of his grip must of been enough to stir Jack awake. He turned his body to the slide and slowly opened his eyes gently. 

“Hi baby.” he whispers, sleep still clear in his eyes. 

“Hi” you whisper back, finally getting your arm free and bringing it to lay between you and Jack. 

“Can we talk about why you were so upset earlier?” he asks gently, taking his arms pulling you a little closer to him. 

“It’s just what today is. That’s all ” you admit shyly. Jack’s eyebrows scrunch up in confusion as a slight frown gets put on his face. 

“And what’s today?” the curiosity and confusion laced in his deep voice still covered from his nap. 

Taking a deep breath through your nose and out your mouth preparing to speak out loud for the first time today, what got you so upset. “Remember how I told you about my aunt, the one who helped raise me, one of my favorite humans.” You pause waiting for Jack to acknowledge your words, once he needs you to continue. “ Well today is the one year anniversary of her death and I just -.” Your voice cracks as the tears start again. 

Jack pulls you even closer, your head finding its home in the crock of his neck. “Shh it’s okay baby you don’t have to say anything else. It’s okay to miss her, I know you loved her by the way you still talk about her, it’s alright baby.” His voice is soft and free of judgment. “Shh it’s alright” he coos to you. 

Staying in the crock of his neck, you move a little so you can speak. “It’s not just that Jacky. It’s that she was the most important person in my life for so long and such a big part of my life. I never thought there would be a day where she didn’t meet the love of my life or be at my wedding or be at the hospital for a child's birth. God how I wish she was still here” 

Jack held you while he heard you talk out all of your thoughts and feelings. “But even more I wish she would have met you before she left. The things I would do to have one last phone call with her, one last hug, one last time she tells me “I love you, be a good sweetie.” The tears now blur your vision as you close your eyes and hide in Jack’s neck again. He squeezes you until it’s hard for you to breathe but somehow that brings you comfort as you let yourself grief your best friend. 

“I am so sorry for my love.” he whispers. “And I’m so sorry I didn’t know what today was, I would have skipped the gym. And I know she meant so much to you. It’s normal for today to be hard. I wish I could have met her too but do you remember how we met?” he asks. 

Now it was your turn to be confused, removing yourself from his neck and wiping your tears off your cheeks. “Yeah of course I do.” you mumble extremely confused about what the anniversary of your aunts death has to do with how you met Jack. 

“Well I remember seeing this pretty girl at this little restaurant eating by herself.” Looking into your eyes as he starts to tell the story of how you two met. 

“Jack, I know how we met. What does that have to do with my aunt?” your annoyance is clear in your voice as he chuckles. 

“Well it was after your aunt had passed, you were at her favorite restaurant because you missed her and it was her birthday that day, her first heavenly birthday. And for some reason some restaurant that had been on my list to try since I moved to Hoboken I just happened to walk in that day.” he starts rambling and you really don’t understand where he’s going with his story. 

Sighing you ask “Jack, what’s your point?” 

A smile on his face, “my point is that for whatever reason I felt like the universe told me that day to go to the restaurant and you just happen to be there even though it was way out of your way on your drive home from work. And I know I never met your aunt in person, but maybe just maybe your aunt was watching over you that day and that’s why I felt the need to finally go to a restaurant that I had been meaning to try for 6 years.” 

A large smile comes across your face as you understand his words, “Are you saying my aunt sent you to me?” a giggle coming off your lips. 

“I’m not saying anything except that I know that somehow your aunt is still watching over you. There is no way that you can love someone the way you describe her love for you and not watch them and look after them in heaven baby.” Slowly coming down to kiss your forehead. 

“I love you.” you whisper. 

“I love you too, and you know grief isn't a simple baby, it’s okay that some days are harder than others.” 

“I know.” laying your head on his chest again. 

“What do you wanna do for the rest of the day baby?” he asks

“Can we just watch her favorite show and order takeout?” 

“Of course baby anything you want.” he whispers as he grabs the remote from the bedside table.

[furiousgoldfish]

Living with abusive parents made me feel like I need to be productive every day, every moment, and that's the only way I can survive. If I stopped being productive, then I was not worthy of life anymore. It made me into this hyper-stressed individual who would feel bad just from not producing anything within few hours; I'd feel guilty, ashamed and not good enough if a whole day went by without me accomplishing anything.

This lead to me burning out from everything I was trying to achieve, it exhausted me, it brought me endless days of experiencing guilt and shame from being too tired and too stressed and anxious to make or do anything. It made me sick, and ashamed of being sick. It made me compare myself to everyone who accomplished more than me, feeling small and unable to compete. It made me dismiss everything I have done as 'not good enough' because it didn't bring me that feeling that I was now someone, that I had done something important, something I could be proud of. I was proud of nothing. Nothing was notable, nothing was exceptional.

I never stopped to ask myself, for what reasons was I doing this? It was assumed that of course, this constant 'doing something' would bring me somewhere, only I didn't know where, I didn't have a goal. I just knew I needed to keep working, keep producing, or else I would be bad. What was I working for? Who was benefiting from this? I didn't even know.

I was blindly following the path that eroded my mental health, my well-being, my sense of self-value and my time and energy. I was scrambling for seconds of feeling good about myself which should have been mine from the start. I should have been able to feel good while doing nothing, while resting, relaxing, enjoying, taking it slow, caring for my own health, my well being and my emotional stability. There was absolutely no reason in that high-stress environment for me to be producing anything! I just needed to survive, but the pressure put on me to be 'useful' and 'productive' was so huge, I couldn't even see anything else past it. I couldn't comprehend that I was allowed to feel good even if I did nothing, even if I was just focusing on what made me feel better.

It would take me a long time to realize that working only had a point if you were working towards a specific goal, and if you were able to set the conditions of the work so that it doesn't destroy your health and emotional well being on the way. If working isn't bringing you closer to your goal, it means you're being exploited. Other people are profiting from your constant productivity while you're not even aware of why you're doing it. If working is destroying your current life, it's not sustainable enough to bring you towards a goal. No goal is worth destroying yourself over. You have to live in order to be there for when your goal is achieved.

And you can feel okay about yourself every minute that you're not working towards your goal. Taking breaks and letting yourself recover from work has to be a part of the normal, otherwise it's a burnout waiting to happen. The goal will not run away while you're resting. Nothing bad can happen just because you're taking care of yourself and taking it slow. It will give you more stability and make sure you can keep doing what you're doing.

[ell-alexanderarnold]

Intertwined, sewn together

Summary: Trent thinks Y/n’s unlocked a dimension of love in him that he never knew existed, whilst Y/n is fighting her feelings, unsure what’s right in their relationship. The only thing that she’s sure of is her love for Trent…

Angst & Fluff

Warnings: Sad, Reader has commitment issues

Note: So the results from this poll was a one shot! I really enjoyed writing this, feels like I’ve not written angst for a while so this was so much fun.💌 Please let me know your thoughts ♡

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1st of September

You had yet another dream about him. Why can’t you move on? When will this end? He held you in a way that no one’s ever had.

It comes in waves, you miss him a little less at times and then you miss him a little more. Although you swore that he’ll never hear from you again, you debate every time after a dream to make that call. Then you wish you’d stayed, you wish a lot of things but this, this is on a whole different scale. The scale of you missing Trent, could not be measured.

The moment you met each other, you both knew right away that you were perfect for one another. Time passed and it got more difficult, nothing happened in the way you wanted.

You spent your last summer with him, knowing it would probably be the last. You both knew.

28th of July

You lied awake, exhausted from the day. He was asleep, breathing slowly. The moonlight shined on his face so beautifully. Something inside you told you to leave but you thought, how can you begin again? How can you try to love someone new, who isn’t Trent?

As tears streamed down your face you kissed his forehead lightly so he wouldn’t wake up and left.

He’s going to wake up, without you. He will wonder where you are and he’ll think that this is where the story ends he just has to accept it and move on.

The memories, the good days, the bad days, they’ll be with you two always.

7th of September

Trent was spending some time at his mum’s house, filled with love from his family but the entire time he wished for Y/n to be with him. He don’t know how many times he’d thought in everyday, everything that ‘Y/n should be here’ or ‘Y/n would’ve laughed at that’,‘ Y/n would know what do to’.

He sat in the living room with his mother, watching some football to distract him from his thoughts.

“Oh Trent! Your birthday’s in one month!” Dianne exclaimed and Trent looked at his phone checking the date.

“Yeah.” He simply responded, completely emotionless.

“You should invite some friends over, maybe that girl that was here this summer. What’s her name again?” She asked and Trent got reminded of Y/n once again. He knew his mother adored her and Y/n loved being around Dianne as well, she was like her second mother. Trent knew that at some point this was going to happen.

“Y/n Y/l/n” He answered and watched his mother’s face lit up.

“Oh lovely Y/n Y/l/n, I miss her! What are she doing these days?” Dianne asked Trent and he started to get more upset thinking of her, his mother doesn’t know she’s not in his life anymore.

“I don’t know mum, we don’t see each anymore.” Trent revealed and the smile on Dianne’s face faded away.

“I’m sorry sweetie.” She said and comforted him as he couldn’t hold it in anymore, crying in his mother’s arms like he was a little boy.

“I guess you really loved her Trent.” She said after a while of rubbing his back.

“Yes, more than anything.” He sniffled and looked at his consoling mother.

“How do you know sweetheart?” Dianne implored and took ahold of his hand.

“Because nothing makes sense without her. Like everything was just at ease with her, and I know sometimes it wasn’t perfect and I said some wrong things, but that didn’t change our love, Mum.” He explained and she listened to every word.

“What you and Y/n had seemed special Trent and I’m sure she thinks that as well. Maybe you should try again?” His mother suggested as Trent looked up at her, giving it a thought.

“I don’t know.” Trent said and rubbed his eyes, ”I think I’m going to bed.” He added and Dianne gave him a quick peck on his cheek before he went up to his room.

8th of September

Trent woke up, tears forming in his eyes immediately as he opened them. The dream, was it real? Did the love of his life enter his life again and everything was how it once was? Anyways, it just a dream.

But he couldn’t let it go, he couldn’t go back to sleep. Y/n was all he thought about and at this point he couldn’t take it anymore.

He reached for his phone, the clock said 3am. She’s probably asleep he thought, or in somebody else’s bed. He could only pray for Y/n to pick up.

The signals kept going, until it reached voicemail. “Hey, it’s Y/n leave a message and I’ll call you back.”

Just hearing your voice made his heart beat faster.

“Y/n, it’s T. Erm well there’s no easy way of saying this.” Trent started as his voice was shaking and he took deep breaths to not start crying. “I miss you, really bad and uh,” He then went silent, wondering why he’s even doing this. “It’s been very hard without you, my mum asked about you earlier, she misses you too. I’m sorry for calling this late but I hope you’re doing well,” He paused. “without me, bye.” He sniffled then broke down sobbing. His heart was psychically hurting and all he wanted was to be with you, curled up in your arms..

10th of September

You were almost done with your work and took your last sip of your tea. You were going to meet up with your friend after work but one thing changed so drastically. When you were about to call her you noticed a missed call from two days ago. Just by the look of last numbers, you knew.

As you walked home from work you couldn’t stop thinking about it. The voicemail. You didn’t want to listen too it, maybe it was just a drunk call or just some gibberish. But your heart knew, he would never do that. He wasn’t the type of guy to drunk call you so this must be something important.

You wish you didn’t care so much. You must admit that you wish you hated him. No, no you couldn’t. No matter how much you wanted to or how easy things could be if you’d actually hated him, you could never.

When you got home, you crashed down on your bed. You were dreading it, you tried to move on and not care about it, but it was impossible.

You pressed ‘call voicemail’ and then, you heard Trent’s voice.

“Y/n, it’s T. Erm well there’s no easy way of saying this. I miss you, really bad and uh, It’s been very hard without you, my mum asked about you earlier, she misses you too. I’m sorry for calling this late but I hope you’re doing well,”

“without me, bye.”

Oh. You didn’t expect that.

You sat completely still against your headboard as tears streamed down your face. He misses you. He misses you!

So what do you do now? You could just move on with your life and act like everything’s fine without Trent. Or, you could send him a message but that will ruin the fact that you promised yourself he’ll never hear from you again.

Here you go..

You: hey Trent, i just heard your voicemail. i’m sorry. don’t know what you’re doing in the next few days but maybe we can talk someday, in person?

You buried your head into your pillow and felt your phone buzz, only seconds after sending the message.

Trent: yeah i’m free, is Tuesday good for you?

You: yes that’ll work !

Trent: so maybe we can meet up in the cafe you liked near your place?

Oh gosh, he remembered.

You: sure

Trent: alright, see you there then

26th of July

One more sleepless night. He brought it up again. You fell asleep crying and Trent didn’t want to hear you cry, turning up the tv to escape the guilt he felt. It breaks your heart when you want to be with him so bad, but you’re afraid of your feelings.

“I’m sorry for pushing you away Trent.” You said after minutes of silence.

“It’s fine.” He answered, turning of the tv.

“But it’s not.” You noted.

“Just leave it Y/n, goodnight.” Trent mumbled and turned away from facing you.

12th of September

You checked your outfit and makeup for the hundredth time before you went out the door. You were a little bit late but not too late.

It was just a short walk to the cafe from where you lived. You didn’t want to go really but you forced yourself out of bed to make it. Ever since you received Trent’s voicemail, it’s been replaying in your head. Every single word. Will everything he says today also replay in your head forever?

When you walked in you noticed that he was already there, sitting at one table. You were glad this wasn’t a popular place, so that you two could get some privacy without people reporting they’ve seen you two together.

You took a deep breath before walking towards him and as you walked, he stood up. To hug you.

You could feel your cheeks burn, it felt like you were finally home again.

“Good to see you, Y/n.” Trent greeted as you sat down, still unable to relax when you were in his presence.

“Yeah, you too.” You smiled and took your coat off, you were becoming too warm.

“I ordered a hot chocolate for you, is that fine?” Trent said and you nodded back in response. Why is he acting like everything’s normal?

You got your hot chocolate from the barista who’s familiar with you and Trent.

“Lovely to see you two again!” She beamed and you and Trent looked at each other, smiling but deep inside you both knew that it’s not how it used to be.

“So Trent,” You started, taking a sip of your hot chocolate, that was indeed very hot. “How have you’ve been?” You continued.

“Well, better than July.” He joked and laughed it off but you knew he was lying.

“You?” Trent asked.

“I’m erm, I’m alright.” You paused. “I think.”

You wanted to get straight to the point, because there was so many things to talk about. Trent wanted to solve things and you too. So it was just up to one of you to break the ice.

“Can I just be honest with you?” You stated and he looked you in the eyes.

“Of course.”

“Okay I’m just gonna say it. I’ve missed you.” You revealed as you watched his eyes lit up a little.

“I’ve missed you too.” He expressed.

“No but, I’ve missed you like.. so so much, Trent.” You spoke and your voice was shaking.

“There been so many times where I wanted to call you. There’s things I’ve wanted to talk to you about but you weren’t there.” You went on and you noticed that his eyes were glossy.

“Y/n, even if you called after a year at 3am I’d still answer you know.” Trent confessed as you stopped a tear escaping from the corner of your eye.

“But I will never forget that night.” He noted, you forced yourself to think back at nights where you two argued or made love but there’s only one you’ve tried to forget.

“What night, Trent?” You implored.

“The night my heart dropped because I realised you were gone. I woke up and you were gone.”Trent shared as the tears streamed down his face.

“I can’t even begin to imagine how you felt, baby.”

Now you were both crying. You know you cannot pretend that you don’t love him. There is no escape.

“Why did you have to leave, Y/n? I don’t understand, I just wished you’d stayed.” He whispered as you both dried your tears.

“I was scared Trent. I’ve never felt that kind of love you gave me before. I didn’t know what to do with myself and my feelings.” You explained and the tears streamed down your face again.

“I know you only tried to help me but you hurt me with those words you said you know?” You observed and remembered those nights where he doubted you, why you were scared to love him.

”I’m sorry Y/n.” He apologised and took your hand in his.

“You know I love you, and that’s never going to change, never.” Trent cried and you kissed his hand you were holding.

“I know.” You whispered, almost inaudibly.

”I love you too and I’m so sorry for leaving you like that, forgive me please?” You sniffled and he gave you a small smirk.

“I forgive you, my love.” He professed and smiled.

The lady who worked at the cafe started to walk towards your table and you looked around to see that there was only you and Trent left in the cafe, it was dark outside as well.

“Sorry to bother you two but we’re closing soon!” She happily informed you and Trent.

“Oh sorry, we should get going then.” Trent answered and you started to put your coat back on again.

You both left the cafe with puffy eyes but light hearted. Trent offered to walk with you to your place which you couldn’t deny after this afternoon. Hands intertwined as you both walked the short distance to your place. You and Trent walked in silence and just took in each other’s presence after such a long time apart, well two months but for you two it felt like forever.

You now stood outside your apartment, wondering what to do now.

“Alright, so what do we do now?” You spoke up, unsure what the future holds for you and him.

“I miss you, you miss me too. So why can’t we make it work?” Trent challenged and you sighed, “Because..”

“Because? There really is no reason, Y/n.” He asserted and you both chucked.

“You’re right.” You agreed and put your hands in your pockets as the cold autumn breeze came.

“I’ll see you around then.” Trent remarked and you nodded.

As you turned your back on him I didn’t feel right, something was missing. Trent.

You turned around and called his name, little did you know he already had turned around to you too.

Your lips met, his arms were wrapped around your waist and you didn’t care about your surroundings. 

How do you even let go of a person who feels like home?

“I can’t leave you now Y/n.” He laughed and you kissed his heart shaped lips once again.

“Can’t leave you either.” You blushed.

You took his hand and went inside your apartment, he couldn’t contain himself from leaving kisses all over you neck and your face.

You were no longer scared of your feelings because you knew that no matter how hard you tried to deny them, they were always there. Your love for Trent won against every fear you had.

You two were living in parallels the entire time you were apart. You both dreamed about each other, wanted to call one another but didn’t, until Trent got the courage to do it. Because he couldn’t stand another day without you.

The story you both thought died was never over.

Your love for each other was never over.

﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋

[aingeal98]

I think there's a misconception among some fans who mostly get their characterisation from ao3, that the reason Cass and Jason wouldn't get along is that Jason kills people and Cass hates murderers. And like. You're 50% right but the key context being ignored is that Cass would literally fight to defend the right of a serial killer to live and change like she believes desperately in second chances no matter how far gone the killer is. She'll knock a man out and break his hand so that he can never shoot and kill someone again but if she sees someone feel bad about their kill or even like. Hesitate to hurt a child. She is all over that like she will fight the world just to save this one kind of shitty assassin and give them a second chance at life where they can do better.

Whereas Jason believes that sometimes there are bad people that are simply too far gone, too much of a force of evil hurting and draining actual innocents. And the best way to deal with scumbags like that is a bullet. He feels that some people don't deserve to live, and he's comfortable ending their lives. Judge, jury and executioner. Because no one else is going to kill these people and they deserve to die so that they can never hurt any victims again.

Of course all of this is kind of irrelevant in current canon since dc basically skipped over the reconciliation and development and went yeah Jason is a batfam member and he doesn't kill anymore. So currently in canon none of this conflict of ideals is likely to be addressed. But a lot of people are interested in writing fics that actually detail the steps of reconciliation which is great and I love those fics. I've just also noticed a trend of fumbling a little when it comes to Cass.

Because the root cause as to why they wouldn't get along is not just because Jason kills people. If Jason was a random crime lord Cass would probably try to help him get free of Gotham and start over somewhere else. Killing people and having conflicting emotions about it is the easiest way to get Cass willing to be your number one sponsor at murderer rehabilitation anonymous. It's Jason being someone personal to the family, and someone who believes that some deaths need to happen, as long as the person is sufficiently repulsive enough to Jason. Or even just as a means to an end to prove a larger point, if they're pathetic and evil enough. That's what would make Cass see red, because she projects herself on every single killer and Jason dismissing the possibility of redemption for them, writing them off as deserving of death, clashes fundamentally with not just everything Cass believes in, but also her whole sense of self. Of course it's not that deep for Jason like he's not going to believe Cass should die because she killed someone as a child. But for Cass is simply IS that deep and you throw in the fact that they're both Bruce's kids and yeah. They can maybe be civil in a room together with the family right up until one of them actually talks. Because like 99% of what they could say is guaranteed to touch a nerve for the other.

It's like: Damian says something hilarious and rude towards Jason and Jason jokes about that time he shot him and Cass immediately connects that with him not feeling bad about shooting Damian and starts grilling him as to why. Because Damian's Bruce's son? Or because he's a killer? Or just to get to the rest of the family? And Dick, Duke and Tim are so tired like Alfred cooked a nice meal can we all just eat pie for one night without having to listen to you two go at it.

Tim: I've literally shot you before do you think maybe we can cool it on fighting about Jason's personal ethics tonight. Because generally that ends with me in pain even if I do nothing but sit here.

Cass: You shot me with consent. Different.

Jason: How are you even more obnoxious than Bruce? Do you ever get tired of being so exhausting to be around with your bullshit righteousness?

Cass: If you're tired I can knock you out. Nice nap for you and fun for me.

Dick: And that's ten minutes in a room together before any threats of physical harm start flying around! Great job you two, a new personal record.

[danosrosegarden]

Make up sex after Edward breaks out of Arkham and comes to see you? You’re both crying and when he first woke you up reader was all angry and beating on his chest saying you hated him.

i gave my trust, i shed my blood - edward nashton x gn!reader headcanons (slight NSFW) ౨ৎ ˙⋆.˚♡

{contents ♡ mentions of violence, angst/anger and fluff mix, reader gets touched (genitals not specified)}

{word count ♡ ~800}

♡ he did it for you. through every moment of ghostly, freezing cold loneliness, every second of heart-twisting torment, every time you tasted the bitter, gritty coat of betrayal on your tongue, you should know that this was the truth: he did it for you.

♡ life was laboriously stagnant after edward was gone, each day stuck in the same aching, dreary limbo. you wake up, sleep crusted in the corners of your eyes. you forget to shower, forget to drink water, forget to eat, forget to do anything other than stare at the walls in the dark and feel as empty and destitute as a voice called out in a raging winter storm. the world was too loud. your screams were too quiet. what's the point in trying anymore.

♡ you think of the laughter laced within the bumps in the wall, all the memories injected into the picture frames and posters. each snapshot of life with him felt waterlogged and disintegrated now. there was the table you served each other dinner on. he hid it all from me. there was his book of crosswords he'd spend hours lost in each night. he murdered, spilled people's blood, reveled in them pleading for their lives. there was the polaroid taken in the park on your anniversary. grinning, cheeks pressed together, the sun beating down on your faces. he let himself get stolen away from me. he robbed us of the rest of our lives.

♡ you went through turbulent, crashing waves. there were the moments where your heart pumped warm love into your bloodstream, the moments where you thought of his face with a longing nostalgia. there were the moments you wept with your face in your hands, your body quivering and your eyes reddened with the mourning tint of what could've been. there were the moments you'd scream in your pillow until your throat was raw and stripped, the moments where you wish you could see him again just so you had the chance to claw his eyes out and slit his throat. how dare you do this to me. did all i gave to you mean nothing?

♡ you'd had a couple months to come to terms with the fact that you'd only ever see edward nashton again in news reports, which is why when you wake one night to hear the window crack and feel your bed shift with somebody's weight, you scream.

♡ gloved hands smack against your mouth and for some unexplainable reason, you soften against the feeling of the intruder's fingers.

♡ "i can't stay long."

♡ the gasp that comes whooshing like a windstorm out of your throat is instantaneous. he's wrapping his hands around you. he's pulling you in close. it feels completely foreign yet altogether instinctual, the way you reciprocate, like uncovering a time capsule. you want to feel the anger melting away like snow in the sun, but all that's left behind is the slushy, gray resentment. you're fragile; not fragile like a flower, fragile like a bomb.

♡ you shove him off of you. get the fuck away from me. your voice crackles like a thunderstorm, breaks like a tree limb in the lightning. you already feel the warm, shameful tears welling up, the tight-knit knot balling up in your throat.

♡ you missed him. with every blood cell floating through your body, with every wrinkle in your brain, with every eyelash and strand of hair. you missed him with your entire being. but there was also something gnawing from within that wanted to hate. something that craved the snap of bones and the gush of blood. you felt the two collide and battle within you.

♡ above all else, you were tired. dizzyingly exhausted. of missing him. of thinking about him. of waiting for him to return...and here he was. you could finally freefall into an all-enveloping slumber.

♡ edward shushes you through your sniveling babbles. i missed you, eddie. i hate you, eddie. i can't live without you, eddie. please don't go, eddie.

♡ his gentle, trembling touch feels like home. there was that edward you knew; always so anxious to get his hands on you, eyes always so wide with twinkling desire and dazzling hunger.

♡ i can't stay long, he repeats as his hand slithers down between your legs. you can already feel the bliss blossoming from where his fingers brush up against you.

♡ you don't care how long this moment will last; the feeling of his warm, gloved fingers touching your most sensitive areas and the familiar sound of his sputtering gasps bring you back to those moments. the moments of domestic euphoria, the moments where you two were infinite. with those old memories flickering in your gut, it was almost as if this would go on forever.

[transmascissues]

holy crap dude, i only sent that anon because this blog is called “transmascissues” and “parents reacting way too personally” is not a transmasc issue, it’s a trans issue. “moms react with crying” and dads react with violence? what is your point? do you REALLY think that the difference in experience between transmascs and transfems are THAT different??? why do the details matter when the reasoning is the same? i am a trans man and i know exactly what you’re talking about. i just think it’s weird that you are basically saying trans guys have it worse. you’re literally ONLY focused on your own experiences and u assume youre the only one who’s gone through something like that?

jesus fucking christ…

alright, let’s do this fast so i can go back to living my life.

if you think this is about something as simple and general as “parents reacting way too personally,” you clearly don’t understand exactly what i’m talking about, even if you are a trans man. maybe if you actually read what i’m saying instead of just looking for anything in it that you can get mad at, you’d have a better understanding of what i’m referring to.

“why do the details matter” so you do understand that the details are different and you just think we shouldn’t be allowed to talk about them? that’s…somehow even worse, honestly. do you really think the way transphobia is enacted makes no difference if the intent is the same? do you really think trans people should never want to express their specific experiences and find people who relate? do you think the details don’t change the emotional experience for the person being targeted at all? do you think victims of transphobia shouldn’t be allowed to seek out people who were victimized in the same specific way and who understand that emotional experience? the details absolutely matter.

where did i say this being different from what transfems typically experience means we have it worse? i’ll give you a hint: the answer is nowhere. i didn’t say that. i have never once said on this blog that anyone has it worse than anyone else because i think that’s a ridiculous way to talk about basically any issue.

god forbid i talk about my own experiences. god forbid i make posts about the things being directed to me in my own home by my own family. god forbid i have a real life and real emotions and exist as a real person not just a robot that spits out impersonal theory. i’m talking about my experiences because they’re the ones i live with every day. you might be able to come on here and get mad at me and then go about your day, but when i log off i’m just going back to the exact transphobia i described, so yeah, i’m focused on it. fucking sue me.

if you send me anything else you owe me $50 per second i waste on reading it because this is getting exhausting and you obviously have no interest in actually listening to me.

[aralezinspace]

Send Me to Sleep

Requested by anonymous: fluff with insomniac reader and the prompt "why are you still up?"

A/N: Here have some tooth rotting fluff, I am not responsible for your dental bills xD fun fact, the thing Dream does to help reader sleep is the same thing I do to get my tiny humans to go to sleep, made this slightly bittersweet to write b/c after next Friday I won't be working with tiny kids anymore i'll be working with college age kids ANYWAY hope you enjoy!! 💖💖

~~Requests are open!~~ ~~Current WIPs~~

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

It was almost as if the ticking of your antique alarm clock was mocking you, loudly reminding you of every passing second you spent awake when you should be dead to the world.

Your insomnia was nothing new, it had plagued you since college. It was conditional on your stress levels, which was somewhat ironic: the more stressed you were, the less you slept. The less you slept, the more stressed you became.

Since figuring out that pattern your senior year, you had done everything you could to keep your daily life stress free enough for you to sleep, and it had been working out for the most part, aside from busy times of the year when work, family, and friends all collided in a few hectic weeks. Times of the year like Christmas, the height of summer, and for some reason, the entire month of April.  

This week was not supposed to be one of them.

You stuffed your face into your pillow to muffle your frustrated scream. It was now going on 3:30am, and you had to be up and getting in the shower at 6. You sat up with a heavy sigh and ran your fingers through your hair. Sleep was obviously not coming tonight, so you decided to get some chores done around your apartment.

Under the hot spray of the shower two and a half hours later, you groaned as you felt the heaviness behind your eyes that indicated your body was ready for sleep. Of course it had to happen when you were getting ready for yet another busy day at work… which would probably stress you out to the point where you wouldn’t be able to sleep, or your body would just shut down out of sheer desperation.

“Ugh, Dream’s gonna kill me,” you grumbled into your towel. “Well it’s not like there’s anything I can do about it.”

If anyone else had been this invested in your sleep schedule, it would have been extremely weird. But the fact that it was your partner, the ruler of the Dreaming and Nightmare realms. Sleeping was kind of his thing, and once again the irony was not lost on you: a conditional insomniac, in love with the literal sandman.

~~

Your day was just one thing after another, mostly phone calls. More than the usual volume at work, then a call from your dad, then another one from your aunt for some reason, then one from your brother that you sent straight to voicemail just to have a break. Future you thanked past you for that, turns out he just wanted to once again complain about his boyfriend.

When you got home, your mind was fuzzy with exhaustion, and your body jittered and shook from the after effects of the four cups of coffee required just to get through it all. You felt like crap, and probably looked like crap too.

You shambled through changing into your pajamas and making dinner, barely tasting the food as you chewed. You barely registered what episode you were on, thankfully it was a show you had seen before. Your “bedtime” wasn’t for another two hours; you were ready to drop, but fucking up your sleep schedule even more was a recipe for disaster.

You dragged your hands down your face and groused, “Ugh fuck me.”

“With pleasure.”

The rumbling chortle came from the shadows by your front door, making you spring to your feet. The rush of adrenaline rendered you wide awake, at least long enough to process who was currently standing in your apartment.

A smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth as Dream of the Endless strode into the light of your living room, hands in the pockets of his signature coat. It slowly dropped from his face as he took in more of your appearance: the blue, almost black bags under your eyes, the pallor of your skin, the slump of your body as if the immense burden of his responsibilities rested on your shoulders.

“My love,” he pressed, almost like a parent trying to get the truth of some mischief out of a child, “It has been some days since I have felt you in the Dreaming for longer than a few moments. Have you not been sleeping again?”

The way your entire body sagged in defeat was all the answer he needed.

He stepped closer to you, gently resting his hands on your shoulders. “Darling, when was the last time you had a good night’s rest?” You shrugged, your brain struggling to come up with an answer that you were allowed to give. Once again, your body language gave him the answer.

“Then why are you still up?” He didn’t sound angry, only deeply concerned. “Why did you not call for me?”

You swallowed hard before mumbling, “I didn’t want to bother you.” A heavy sigh pushed itself out of Dream’s chest and his hands moved to hold your face in his hands, taking the weight of your head off your shoulders. “Beloved, you are never a bother to me. “I would not be a worthy monarch of the Dreaming if I could not even ease my own partner to rest.”

You couldn’t help your chuckle; it was the closest you had ever heard Morpheus come to humility. Your smile brought a tiny mirror of the gesture to Dream’s face as he rubbed his thumb over your cheekbone, trying not to focus on the deep shadows beneath your eyes. He pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead, letting his lips lingered as he inhaled deeply through his nose, taking in your essence. It stuck in his nose, tainted by your exhaustion. He breathed his words into your skin, “Let’s get you into bed.”

Swift like quicksilver, he scooped you into his arms, drawing a startled squeak out of you, closely followed by a bashful giggle. Dream carried you to your bedroom, staring lovingly at you the entire time. Your bed was still unmade from this morning, and he gently deposited you in it before pulling the blankets over you.

You snuggled into the covers, drawing them up to your chin. You smiled at Dream as he sat next to you on top of the covers. Cool fingers brushed your hair out of your face. You murmured, “Gonna use your sand to send me off?”

Dream chuckled, soft and low and slightly smug. “No, I will not need it to get you to sleep. I need only do this.” His forefinger settled between your eyebrows (some would say over your third eye) and gently rubbed the skin there. You hummed softly, wiggling deeper into the comfort of your bed. Dream’s eyes practically glowed in the darkness of your room, distant, even though he was sitting right beside you.

You were more than bone tired, and sank easily into his soothing touch. Your eyes flickered and fluttered for a moment before finally falling shut. Dream’s touch on your forehead was the only thing that existed in the blackness behind your eyelids, safe and comforting. You could practically feel the stress leaking out of you and into the mattress.

In your last moment of lucidity before you drifted off, you heard Dream murmur, “Sleep well, beloved. I will see you soon.”

[hirsheyskisses]

Hello Hir-san! I hope you're doing well ♥️ May I please request a shu and Ike scenario with a s/o who is always taking care of others that they would often forget to take care of themselves?

If it's too much, please feel free to ignore this! Stay safe!

- 🐮 anon.

You need love, too.

Genre: fluff

Headcanons + Short fic

An: in both fics you're dating but not quite living together yet. I read the s/o part too late I thought it was just friends til I re read the request 💔💔

Shu

You are literally the most wholesome person shu has ever met

You are the loving parent of your friend group

Constant reminders from you for everyone to take care of themselves, always the first to start caring for someone when they're sick or down

Shu remembers the times you've helped him fall asleep by just telling stories

You're the best story teller

Heck he could listen to ur voice for hours

But one thing he's noticed

Is how down you seem sonetimes

It's always brief. That frown and a look of pure exhaustion

It was when he saw that that shu began to pay more attention to ur behavior

What the heck your sleep schedule was worse than his

Did you even have a life outside of work and friends

He means that in the nicest way possible btw

"Hey.. (name)!"

Had shu just snuck into your house? Yes. In his defense you gave him a spare key in case of emergencies. So like, this was an emergency.

"Eh? Shu? Why are you here?"

Despite your quick attempts to hide it, Shu already saw. The bags under your eyes that were normally hidden by concealer, the lag in your movement and how noodly you seemed, or the huff of your chest to get the right amount of air that should be effortless.

Yes, Shu noticed all of that and more.

"So like, I know it isn't normal BUTTTTTT.. I got ya some stuff." In his hands were bags, and he set them on the ground and began handing you things.

"A heated and weighted blanket, a super cool water bottle with drinking goals- oh! A penguin stuffie! Some of your favorite food- and some new movies! Ohh, and a pink penguin keychain!"

He absolutely spoiled u

Tried to be there emotionally for you but since you didn't always open up he got you stuff to comfort you instead

It made him super happy to see u using the water bottle specifically

It was a huge bottle with times and goals to drink in a day

He didn't know u cuddled the plushies every night though

But they made you so happy

You're very thankful to him

Ike

Ike absolutely understood forgetting to take care of one's self

But he wasn't gonna lie he had no idea what a lack of self care you had

You did do good at caring for him and others it was only when he was at ur house he realized

You sucked at taking care of yourself

And it wasn't that you were bad at it but you just forgot

And he realized that you being the therapist friend didn't help at all

He'd read that people who acted as therapists for people often felt trapped

Because they couldn't bring themselves to rant to the people who "have it worse"

He caught those moments where you looked completely dead

That face was so numb and bland

Scared him shitpess tbh

So he decided to make sure he took care of you.

"Ike, you really don't have to."

In front of you was a meal specifically made by Ike. At this point Ikes house had become your second home with how often he insisted you come over for dinner. Or to hangout, which turned into dinner. And then he declared it was too dangerous for you to bike home, which turned into a sleepover and breakfast.

"But I like having you over! I get lonely." Ike protested, snatching your fork and stabbing it into a piece of broccoli, and held it in front of your both,

"Besides, you like my cooking, don't you? Now open up," Ike said with a grin.

Your face flushed you quickly took the broccoli off the fork and then snatched the fork from him chewing sheepishly.

"Course I like your cooking, and company, Ike.." You mumbled as you swallowed.

Honestly you felt so much better when he started this

He had no idea

You both had so much fun and your physical and, to some extent, emotional health started to seriously improved

Ike himself felt much better having his lover over all the time

It was his own therapy

[amethystina]

A health update (and a general explanation of my long Covid)

So while I've been pretty open about living with long Covid, I realise I've never taken the time to explain what that actually means for me and my quality of living. It's a phrase I toss around but I can imagine it doesn't feel all that substantial to a lot of you.

So I figured that now that I'm feeling a bit better (more on that later) I should do so. Partly because I figure it will make it easier to understand why I sometimes have to disappear for weeks on end.

So, if you're interested, feel free to keep reading under the cut :)

But be warned: It's long and kind of whiny. But also ends on a high note! So there's that.

The first time I caught Covid was around Easter 2020, long before there were any vaccines, which meant that I was hit hard. But no matter how bad I felt during the illness itself, the aftermath has been ten times worse. I've been living with my long Covid symptoms ever since, so for four years now. They worsened for a couple of months when I caught Covid a second time in February 2021, but have otherwise held pretty steady during those four years.

A lot of people experience different symptoms with their long Covid and, sometimes, they'll change as the weeks and months go by. I actually had a very interesting couple of months during 2022 when my sense of smell just went completely whack and everything suddenly smelled differently than it should. Like, I could be smelling an apple but it did not smell like an apple. It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway. My most common symptoms are fatigue, fevers, joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, incoherent speech, and lowered blood circulation.

(The latter actually kickstarted the Raynaud's syndrome I have on my mother's side so now I struggle with fingers and feet that will occasionally go white, bloodless, and completely numb at random intervals. Fun times)

The fatigue and fevers are the worst by far. For the past four years, I have had exhaustion fevers between two to five times a week. Or every single day if I'm unlucky. It's very much tied to how much sleep I'm getting, how well I'm eating, and how many taxing things I do each day. I need eight hours of sleep to be functional and anything less than that will most likely mean I'll end up having a fever before the day is over.

Unfortunately, I've always had issues with my sleep so, on most nights, I don't get eight hours even if I try my absolute best. Sometimes it's because I wake up too early and can't fall back asleep and, sometimes — because my life sucks — it's because my fever is so high that I can't fall asleep. Cue the endless cycle of too little sleep and fevers.

Because one of the main issues with these exhaustion fevers — and what makes them so difficult to manage — is that there's no way to lower them. Medicine has no effect whatsoever. Once I have it, I just have to suffer through however many hours are left until I can sleep and hope that it'll be gone in the morning. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

And every day my energy level gets just a little bit lower and the fever a little bit higher. Some days, all I can do when I get home from work is to lie on the couch and stare at the wall because I'm too tired and in too much pain to even watch something. And, again, no amount of medicine helps.

It continues on like this for a while and, every third or fourth month or so, the strain eventually becomes too much and I fall ill. My body simply shuts down from the continued stress and exhaustion, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. And, usually, I can feel it coming. On top of the fevers, I start coughing, then get a headache, and then my nose gets stuffy. And, by that time, I know I have about two to four days before I get sick. It's so accurate that my coworkers have learned that when I give the sign, they have to tell me whatever tasks they need to be finished within the near future since I'll probably be out of commission for one to two weeks.

But I eventually recover, go back to work, and so the cycle starts again. And again. And again. And again.

For four years.

All of this has, unsurprisingly, affected my quality of life to a pretty significant degree. I can barely work, let alone spend time doing any of my hobbies. I can't really travel anymore and, if I do, I'll get sick from the exhaustion. Even the 50-minute commute to the office (which I have to do three times a week) usually results in a fever before the day is over.

This inability to travel was how I ended up missing my maternal granddad's funeral. My shitty relatives didn't tell us the date for when he would be buried until there were only two days left and even if I could have put myself on an overnight train to get there, I knew I would be in no shape to actually be at the funeral if I did. So I couldn't go.

I did go to sit with my paternal grandmother as she was dying but, as expected, I got sick and couldn't return to work for a couple of days afterwards.

I also have to skip most birthday celebrations and any events happening on weekdays since I'm usually too feverish or won't manage the required trip to get there. My life has shrunk so much I barely recognise it anymore. I don't recognise myself. I used to be one of those people who could do a million things at the same time and somehow complete all of them. I was firm, organised, and efficient.

And now I'm not.

(... or, well, technically I am — at least compared to many others — but not compared to how I used to be xD)

Point being, a lot of things have changed and I don't like it. But, with that said, I'm also well aware that I'm lucky to be alive and I'm fortunate enough to have a stable job and a roof over my head. So, all things considered, I'm still doing pretty well.

But I also can't lie and say that this hasn't affected me in a deep and fundamental way. My life has changed and, right now, I don't know if it'll ever return to what I used to consider normal. And dealing with that knowledge — and the grief and fear that comes with it — hasn't been easy. I have cried ugly, self-pitying tears over this many, many times. It's frustrating to have no control over what my body does and to constantly have to be careful of what I do so I don't exhaust myself. I am furious that this happened to me.

But, after four years, there's also a certain amount of acceptance. And while I'm annoyed by my new limitations, I try my best not to feel too sorry for myself. Instead, I try to adapt as best I can, even if I might not always do it gracefully.

That does mean that I sometimes push myself more than I should, though. Because, if I didn't, I wouldn't never produce anything. As depressing as it is to admit, everything I've given you in the past four years has been while I was sick. I don't think a single chapter I've written or drawing I've made has been untouched by this. I've become an expert at writing, editing, and drawing even with a fever.

That doesn't mean I regret it, though — quite the opposite. I think that if I hadn't had a reason to write and draw, I would have felt even worse. A lof of the time, the excitement I feel when I'm able to post a chapter or show off a drawing I've made has been the highlight of my week. It's an accomplishment.

But, that said, it's still hard. Writing in particular. It requires a level of brainpower I can't reach when the fevers are too bad. And so, sometimes, I just can't. I literally just can't.

And, back in January, as I was trying to edit chapter 39 of Who Holds the Devil, I honestly pushed myself too hard. I was so determined to finish it that I didn't let myself see just how bad I was feeling — not at all helped by how emotionally draining the content of the chapter was.

It was only once I finished the chapter and posted it that I realised how absolutely wretched I felt. Not because of the chapter itself, but my lack of compassion for myself, I guess? Because the fevers were bad, I was barely sleeping, and I was both mentally and physically exhausted. And, what was worse, I realised that I was displaying depression symptoms I hadn't seen in over ten years.

All of a sudden, I got annoyed as soon as a minor inconvenience appeared. Everything people said to me was dissected into its tiniest component. I feared that people were secretly hating me. I couldn't meet people's eyes anymore when I was talking to them. I didn't realise I was just sitting there, staring at a wall, until several minutes had already passed.

And, as the final nail in the coffin, I stopped talking about how I was feeling.

And that, right there, is my last warning that I need to do something — always has been, ever since I was a teenager. When I clam up completely, refusing to admit to the people around me that I'm feeling bad, that's when I'm about to spiral.

So, the very next day, I went to my boss and told her that I'm getting burnt out and I need to do something NOW or this was going to turn ugly real soon. Thankfully, my boss is amazing and, after a doctor's visit, I was put on partial sick leave. Right now, I'm working six hours a day instead of eight and, let me tell you, I'm thriving.

Or, well, as much as I can while still having long Covid.

I'm almost angry at how much better I feel because, if I had known, I would have done this a lot sooner. I actually have energy now! I've only had a fever about four times in a little over a month! That's insane! It used to be four a week!

So yeah. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. The downside is that the partial sick leave is still only temporary and there are no guarantees that I'll be able to keep it. Though, if need be, I'll just have to ask my boss to rewrite my contract and change the amount of hours I work because, man, I don't ever want to go back considering how much better and happier I feel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like I've gotten my life back. It's not quite the same as before, but close enough to it that I kind of want to cry again — but happy tears this time.

And so I've spent the past couple of weeks just... living? When, before that, it felt like I was merely existing. I've been drawing a lot since that helps with the depression symptoms (which are almost completely gone, thank god) but writing has been harder. Possibly because I forced myself to do it during a time when I felt really, really bad and now I'm instinctively trying to shy away from it. But, since I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me, I'm going to give it another try this weekend. I want to write and I miss the stories I'm working on. And, hopefully, since I'm feeling a bit better, I can maybe get back to a more structured uploading schedule. But we'll see. As always, I can't make any promises.

But that's about it, I guess? I'm feeling better and, since I am, I've been doing a lot of things that I wasn't able to before (like taking walks — I take a lot of walks). And I'm still trying to figure out my new routine now that I work less. And while I still get sick sometimes (I am right now, in fact, due to lack of sleep on Tuesday night) I always find my way back eventually.

So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience 💜 I admit that I don't really enjoy writing things like these since it feels like I'm whining — I was very much raised not to take up space or complain when things are difficult (an unfortunate side effect to being the middle child with two disabled, high-maintenance siblings) — but I also prefer honesty and transparency. And I feel a little guilty since there are times when I've given pretty harsh responses when people question why I'm sick all the time or why I don't upload chapters as often as I used to, but without actually explaining why. So I guess it's time to be honest?

And the truth is that I've been constantly sick for the past four years. Not only due to my long Covid, but also the emotional and psychological toll of all the loss, grief, and pain I've been through. These past four years have been rough.

But I'm not saying that to gain pity or make excuses. I actually think I've done pretty well considering just how hindered I've been. I've improved my drawings so much and have written... god knows how many words. I'm honestly kind of scared to check xD But it has to be over 600k by now, maybe closer to 700k.

I think my only regret is that I haven't been able to engage with you all to the extent I would want. I wish I could be a more active and enthusiastic participant in fandom — to seek you out, hold conversations, and give you all even a fraction of the attention you've given me. I feel like I don't offer you nearly enough.

But I also know that I have to accept my own limitations. So, for now, we'll have to settle for whatever I can give, even if it's less than I would want. But I will keep on creating, trust me on that, because I'm stubborn as fuck and even if my pace is slower, I'm still determined to finish what I start.

And that's the note I want to end this on. I have suffered, yes — more so than I may have expressed to you all — but I've still managed to create some beautiful things. And while I mourn who I used to be and the fact that some of you have never known me at my best, I don't think the me I am right now is all that terrible. Do I want things to change? Yes, definitely. But do I want to change the choices I've made and the things I've accomplished in the past four years? No, I can't say that I do. I'm proud of what I've done, especially considering my limitations.

And, if you're reading this, thank you so, so much for your kindness, compassion, and support. Some of you are old friends while others of you are new, but I am grateful to every single one of you. You have made these past four years more bearable. You have made it easier to keep fighting. You have made it worth it.

Thank you 💜

[thebunnycruise]

Less of a question and more of a comment, Im sorry if its in the wrong spot lol, I just had to say this. I promise it’s not a hate comment, and sorry for the length.

I have never in my life seen something that has made me feel so physically ill. I feel genuinely sick reading this, and mentally exhausted from it. I have never read anything that has ever made me want to do something about these topics so badly. I hate this comic, and feel every fiber of my body crumble that I can’t do anything to help these women. It’s such an uncomfortable and painful feeling to see such heinous acts being done to people who i know are just down on their luck and never deserved this. I hate to sound cliche, but this was the eye opener of the fucking century.

You should be proud of your work, you’re doing something that I haven’t ever seen work as effectively and as potently as this.

One question I guess; I unfortunately can’t donate, but what else could us readers do? This comic destroyed me and I’m genuinely desperate at this point to see some happy ending come out of this, and I don’t know what I can do.

Thank you for this question! And sorry for ruining your mood, I think... TL/DR: Giving a shit is free. I recall this one lady being interviewed by a local news reporter regarding her views on the homeless problem in her neighbourhood, and she said something that stuck in my mind: "The more I have to [pick up] human feces, the less empathy I have." I think that one comment really hit home why we're at this point in society. People connect with the characters on the Bunny Cruise because we see their backstories, how they got to where they are, what they've lost along the way, what they dream of for the future, and how they've suffered in trying to reach for that dream. But, even though we know the guy OD'ing on the sidewalk passed out in his own sick must have had a life, have dreams, it's not something we think of in the moment. The difference between the Cruise and real life is that the girls have each other to support them through it, but we will walk over or side-step the heroin addict on the sidewalk without a second glance. That "mentally drained" and "physically ill" feeling is the cognitive dissonance talking. It's when we're forced to confront an perspective that challenges our way of thinking, or in this case, face a fear that perhaps the only difference between us and 67, 10, the twins, or that guy on the sidewalk, is just pure luck. For a lot of us, this is something very uncomfortable, and it's much easier to put it out of our heads and move on with our lives. And politicians take advantage of this fear and apathy far too often. Famously, Mark Sutcliffe (Calling you out, asshole), the recently elected Mayor of Ottawa, campaigned on zoning land for more large, single-family homes rather than more compact, affordable housing. He called it "preserving the community and keeping it safe", but we all know what that really means by now. Or they will call for increased police spending and promise to be tougher on crime (which Sutcliffe also did). Because having bad luck or being neglected and abused by capitalism is a crime now... I think the easiest thing to do, is to just think about it, and speak up when the issue comes up. All too often, things like homeless shelters, affordable housing projects, and safe injection sites, don't get built because people don't want to think about the people living on the fringe of society. But the thing is, people with nowhere to go have to go somewhere.

I donate to a women's shelter because I've worked with women fleeing violence in the past, and it's an important cause for me. I also realize that I am in a very fortunate position to be able to pay rent and have a little left over to put toward charity work. But speaking up and spreading the word is free. The next time someone wants to veto a safe injection site project, speak up against them, ask them what millionaire real estate firm is lining their pockets. Vote for that city councilor campaigning to build shelters and affordable homes. Have a relative who says "the homeless deserve what's happening to them"? Shut them down, ruin that christmas dinner. They sound like a dick anyway.

It's not much, but I think if we can all treat our fellow humans a little better instead of kicking them to the curb, we can make a bit of a difference in the world.

[theewokingdead]

Dinner Conversation - Benergy Universe

Pairing: Benny Miller x wife!Reader Summary: Dinner conversation is rarely ever dull when married to Benny, and sometimes it causes your children to learn a new word. Word Count: 700+ Rating: No rating but my blog is 18+ Warnings: First person POV, Language Notes: Inspired by an actual conversation that happened at the dinner table. This is what happens when your husband's mouth moves faster than his brain.

Follow @theewokingdeadwrites to be notified when I post new fics.

Main Masterlist | Benergy Series Masterlist

When we first started discussing our future, Benny and I vowed that no matter how busy our lives got, we would have dinner together every night as a family. That feels like eons ago, but even as our family grew from just the two of us to three of us to now four of us, we’ve done a good job at sticking to our word. Supposedly, families who dine together are happier, and it supposedly increases a child’s vocabulary while teaching them to eat healthier.

Most days I can agree with that. Other days I think it’s bullshit.

Dinner with children can be exhausting. Today is one of those days. After a long day, I’m tapped out, and each loud clank and scrape of silverware on the plates makes my head feel like it’s going to explode. Our two-year-old, Sophie, keeps bouncing around in her seat like she hasn’t been a tired, whiny butthead all day. Her little hands keep busy as she takes small portions and fast choppy bites, sounds of pleasure escaping her mouth as she stands on her chair and rubs her tummy while chew. Lindsay, the five-year-old, is sitting with her elbow on the table, a fist resting on her cheek, poking and prodding at the food on her plate as if it's the most repulsive thing she’s ever seen, as if she hadn't eaten the same meal last week.

“Lindsay, baby, you gotta eat,” Benny gently insists, seeing I’m not at all in the mood to parent at the moment.

“I just want to watch my tablet,” she grumbles in reply.

“What did Mommy say?” he questions.

Lindsay looks up at me with a sly smile on her face. “Umm….” It’s clear she’s trying to pretend she hasn’t asked for her tablet a hundred times today, particularly that I haven’t given her the same answer every single time.

“You can have it after dinner,” Benny reminds her.

“Ugh!” Lindsay groans dramatically, making me wonder if she’s five or fifteen.

“Just eat your dinner,” I beg, not in the mood to negotiate. Why do kids make eating is so damn difficult?

“But I don’t want to.”

I exhale loudly, trying to keep calm. “Fine. No tablet tonight then.”

“But Mom!”

“Literally all you have to do is eat some food,” I say, clearly annoyed. “Maybe while you’re at it you can solve world hunger and find the cure for cancer. Is it really that hard?”

Lindsay opens her mouth to protest, but Benny decides to chime in. “Yeah. And find mommy’s g-spot too.”

My eyes immediately snap across the table to my husband, who’s now shoving food in his mouth, clearly in an attempt to hide a proud smile. I should never be surprised at the shit that spews out of his mouth sometimes, yet I always am. I'm somewhere between shocked he said that in front of the kids and wanting to laugh.

“What the fuck, Benny!”

Despite trying to suppress his laughter, he can no longer hide his pride, his bright blue eyes shining.

“First of all”-I sassily point my fork at him- “you damn well know that you know where that is, so don’t sit there and act like it’s one of life’s greatest unsolved mysteries.”

The corners of his lips curl into a smirk. Yeah, he can’t deny that.

“Second of all, have fun explaining what you just said to our daughter.”

“What is it?” Lindsay questions, and I just know we’re fucked. Thankfully, she seems to have forgotten the word. But we vowed to be transparent with our kids, to always try to answer their questions as age-appropriately as possible. However, explaining what a g-spot is to our five-year-old at the dinner table was not something I ever expected. Being married to Benny, I really shouldn’t be so surprised.

“Is that in your butt?”

“Yes,” I immediately answer, glaring at Benny. Am I about to give this man a taste of his own medicine? Absolutely. “Well, Daddy’s butt at least.”

Benny’s face immediately flushes red, flustered to the point that he doesn’t dare look into my eyes, his gaze dropping down to his plate instead. Finally, I’ve managed to say something that renders him speechless, which is a very rare feat.

“Eww! Daddy’s got a stinky butt!” Sophie squeals, playfully holding her nose.

Immediately, a loud laugh escapes my lips, Sophie and Lindsay joining with innocent giggles. Meanwhile, in an effort to hide his shame and laughter, Benny hangs his head and covers his face with a hand.

Thank fuck the conversation flows back to something more appropriate for the dinner table. Maybe experts weren’t completely wrong about family dinners increasing a child’s vocabulary. I just don't think that's what they meant.

[artyfartyperson]

I made Morro and Lloyd fight in the rain enjoy ❤️

2.1K words idk how people write so much I fought tooth and nail for this

He’d been dreading the day he’d have to do this. Last night he lay awake, not caring that his eyelids felt heavy, or that for the first time in a long time he had a warm bed to sleep in. The rain kept him up, it tapped again and again and again on his window. It called to him. And he hated it.

He hated the rain.

Sure, he was confident any ghost who returned from the dead had an irrational fear of water. It was second nature to avoid it with their lives… or lack of. He knew what it felt like, to disintegrate like that. The water ate him from the inside out, tearing at skin and bone, barely having enough energy to keep his soul intact. He knew what it felt like to fight for his life when he was dragged into the ocean that fateful night. Not even his elemental power could save him then.

Why should today be any different?

“Morro?”

He rolled over, eyes adjusting to the light of the hallway. Akako had peaked her head through the doorway. Despite being the only bearable person around here, he couldn’t help but want to punch her face in for not knocking. It was common decency.

Morro let out an exhausted grunt. His younger sister only scoffed.

“Yeah, good morning to you too. Get up. Training’s early today.” She leaned against the doorway, unimpressed by his reluctance to do so. “You’ll miss out on breakfast. It’s Zane’s turn to cook today I don’t think you’d want to miss out.”

“Mhm.”

“It won’t be that bad.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Then beg.”

The silence seemed to be louder than the actual conversation.

“You’re lucky I’m the one who came to wake you up. I know for certain Kai isn’t too thrilled to live under the same roof as you.”

“Tell Kai he can sleep in the Destiny’s Bounty if he’s that bothered by it.”

“Har Har. Get up.”

“Right.”

He didn’t budge until Akako left, not even bothering to close the door behind her. He scoffed as she did so. What a morning.

He wasn’t too thrilled by the early start to the day. The ache in his shoulders spoke numbers. Maybe he was getting too old for this. He wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of going out there and having a conversation with the ninja too. But the smell of warm food was inviting, and it’s been ages since he’s had warm food.

The kitchen fell silent for a moment when he entered the room, just a moment. And in that moment he could tell he wasn’t the most desirable presence in the general vicinity at this certain point in time. Akako beckoned him over, and he sat down at the far end of the table, grabbing a pancake or two and already ripping one and shoving it into his mouth. They were oddly sweet for pancakes, so he ate them plain, not too keen on making himself sick. He tried to keep himself unnoticed by the rest, but couldn’t help to snag a glance at Jay, who had grabbed every topping there was to offer on the table and piled it all into one heaped pancake, regardless of whether they even went together or not. His stomach twisted at the sight and he turned his attention back to his food. His own choice seemed very underwhelming now.

Training was exactly as he’d feared.

It wasn’t training in the traditional sense. The torrential rain has only worsened and it was anyone’s guess how the grounds haven’t flooded. But puddles have definitely grown. Why they would even go ahead with training in this weather was beyond him. Prepare for every possible environment, he supposed, but rain in Ninjago doesn’t come by often. This was freak weather.

The rest of the ninja stayed behind, lingering by the door. None of them had their weapons. None of them were dressed properly for the occasion, the gi yes, but not any of the usual protection or armour.

Fruition hit him like a truck.

It was this kind of training.

Lloyd remained by his side. He’d gestured for Morro to come closer to the edge of the covering, where the rain had been pouring off the edge of the roof. A wall of water, calling out to him.

This was the training.

They were trying to get him used to the water.

A few moments hung in the air before Morro took a few steps forward, reaching forward, staring forward at that impenetrable wall. His gut was telling him to steer clear of the stuff. But his ego was louder. And it was telling him not to let the ninja have a one-up on him. They’d think he’s weak for letting a little bit of water nag at him. He could hardly stand a shower for more than a few minutes, god knows what he’s like in the rain. He felt the six or so glare at the back of him, and for better or for worse he paid no heed.

He jumped when his hand reached the barrier, it was cold and he didn’t like it. A chill crawled up his spine and he chose to ignore the look Lloyd gave him. If he wasn’t so convinced most of the people here disliked him he would’ve registered the look of concern on his face. But right now it felt like dirt under his skin.

“Are you alright?” He heard the green ninja ask.

“I’m fine. ”

“Are you-“

“You can stop looking at me like I’m a lost puppy. A little rain never hurt anyone.” Out of spite he shoved his arm through, ignoring the itching feeling he was beginning to get. He ached to pull it back, but he only let it out further, letting it get soaked to the bone, letting the chill spread even deeper. He’s immune now, he told himself, nothing will come of this.

Lloyd let out a scoff. “I’m only looking out for you-“

“Well you don’t need to. I don’t need you to care about me. I was fine on my own.”

“Yeah you were totally fine when you ended up summoning our father for some lunatic.”

“Don’t you dare go on as if I enjoyed working for her. We've been through this.” Spite tempted him further, and he considered shoving the other arm in.

“Whatever.”

“Besides, you’re worse than I am, actually falling for her advances,” he took a mental jab at the other, glancing over to see if he hit. Morro only received a glare in return. He didn’t care. There were other things to worry about.

The rain filled the silence. Morro finally withdrew from the downpour, wiping the excess water off. Lloyd grabbed him before he could turn to leave.

“Put your hand back in.”

“What.”

“I said put your hand back in. We’re not finished yet.”

“You said we’d take this slow.”

“Yeah and you’re obviously milking it. Put your hand in it won’t kill you.”

“You’re fucking mental.”

“Maybe I am, I don’t care. I’ve put up with you enough to let you stay, you’re going to return the favour for once.”

Morro spun around to glare at him. Lloyd tried to hide how he flinched, but Morro caught on quick enough and scoffed. He brushed his hand through his hair, chuckling and mumbling something incoherent to himself.

“You’re still not over that?! You’re still scared of me? After all this time? You have the nerve to tell me to move on and you still haven-“

Lloyd punched Morro.

He stumbled backwards, ending up in the downpour. He didn’t dare to take his eyes off the ground, less the shock actually registered on his face. He was soaked right through almost immediately and every nerve in his body begged for him to find shelter again. Every drop felt like a bullet pelting against his back. He had to double check that it wasn’t hail. It wasn’t. Maybe hail would have been better.

He was snapped out of it again when Lloyd landed a second blow square in the face. This time Morro had enough sense to react and he quickly grabbed Lloyds arm, throwing him to the ground. He landed with a horrible splat, resorting to going for Morros ankle before Morro sent a gust of wind his way, and by extension an onslaught of rain, hitting even stronger now with the sudden gale the other had summoned.

“DO YOU HOLD GRUDGES FOR THIS LONG?!” He shouted over the storm, preparing himself for another attack when Lloyd shot up. He’d managed to dodge and elbow Lloyds back, but not before Lloyd grabbed him by the neck of his gi and pulled him down with.

Morro gagged slightly as he crashed into the puddle below. Lloyd kept him down and gave him another kind punch, blood finally spurting from the other's nose.

“DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME?” He swung his fist again. “YOU’VE ALMOST BLINDED ME AND NOW IT’S ALL MY FAULT FOR HOLDING A ‘GRUDGE’?!” He let out a yelp when Morro kicked him off. He was about to get up again before he noticed Morro raising his hand, and the rain seemed to stop. A ceiling of water loomed over both of them, only getting bigger as it continued collecting rain.

“I APOLOGISED, DID I NOT, DOES THAT SUDDENLY NOT COUNT NOW?” His hand dropped like a dead fly, and with it brought a sheet of water down with great force. Morro stumbled slightly, put off balance by the sheer weight of it. But Lloyd was slammed back onto the ground. That move will probably do numbers on their backs in the long run.

The water must have shoved something else, because the training equipment had suddenly sprung from the ground. Lloyd took the opportunity while Morro was distracted to charge some energy, sending it towards his knees to knock him off balance. Morro only stumbled.

“You dirtbag-“ Morro spat blood. “So you want to fight? That seems pretty odd, don’t you think? The green ninja himself, resorting to pick a fight with his own brother. Keeper of peace my ass.”

“SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH.” Lloyd charged at him, throwing them both onto the rotating target practice. Morro flinched as they were tossed about, wedged between two wooden figures. His struggling was futile and only ended up with him slammed against the wood again. He winced.

“What. Did I hurt your feelings?”

Lloyd stared at him in disbelief. He only chuckled, by god was he out of it.

“It’s idiots like you that keep me in this job in the first place. I could have been all done after The March but noooo I have to train someone WHO SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ALIVE MIND YOU??? EveryDAY is a constant struggle when I should be having a WELL DESERVED BREAK. WOULD YOU COP ON MORRO I'M NOT DOING THIS BECAUSE I WANT TO.”

“THEN WHY ARE YOU BOTHERED?”

“BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON. MAYBE AKAKO WAS RIGHT, MAYBE IT WAS A MATTER OF CIRCUMSTANCES FOR YOU, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT REALLY LIKE YOU WERE.” He threw another punch. And it missed.

Morro took his chance and shoved Lloyd off. The younger brother didn’t bother fighting back. Lloyd hung his head, hiding behind his hair. They were both panting, the rain washing the blood from Morros nose. He rolled over back onto the ground and spat more onto the sawdust. Lloyd only flopped onto his back, arms covering his face. The adrenaline was beginning to say goodbye, and the two finally realised their places.

Lloyd laughed.

It caught Morro off guard, it wasn’t one drive from insanity, or disbelief or shock or spite or malice. He couldn’t put his finger on it.

So he joined in.

Maybe it was insanity. He couldn’t even remember what they were fighting about. What a fruitless disagreement.

He brushed his dripping hair out of his eyes, hating how it clung to him. And he only laughed harder. On any other occasion it would have sent him right back into the comfort of his bed. But this time he couldn’t care less. The rain kept him on his knees, it battered again and again and again against his back. It called to him. And he couldn’t care.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad.

[ugly-anarchist]

Hey. I just wanted to say thank you for the posts you make and one that I reblogged before, praising and supporting aros who would/do feel romantic attraction sometimes. I sometimes doubt my aromanticism due to getting puppy dog crushes as a child, or the fact that I only dated once.

As a thirteen year old, no less. Hated it at that age. It lasted for half a year. As kind as I remember the person being, I remember feeling a bit ill and entirely drained/exhausted whenever I was called "their girl" and told "I love you." Any crush emotions I felt before easily fizzled out, and I came to realize "wow. I... hate this. I wouldn't want this kind of thing with anyone. Am I weird? Am I cold-hearted or something?"

Thank you for assuring that no matter what, aromanticism is a spectrum, and you're still absolutely aromantic if you've had a crush or would daydream about being in a romantic relationship at any point in your life.

I have a highly knowledgeable and intelligent older brother that I've always looked up to, but when I came out to him, even he was doubtful of my aromanticism. "But how do you know you're aro if you've never dated?" He doesn't know about how I did date, only once, and long ago. But it still stung, and I feel he would find another way to doubt and question it, as if I haven't done so countless times already. At the end of the day, "you know yourself better than others." As assured and confident I like to put myself across on the internet, I wish that analogy was hammered into my head better in reality. Your kind of posts, and many others, help me work on that. So, again, thank you. Sorry if this was weird and out of nowhere. It's 11:49 PM where I am at the moment, so this may be a bit messy.

I'll be following you on my main account where I go by "Leif." This is just my second one that's more "adult" leaning, which I like to keep entirely private and separate from my main! My main is solely dedicated to fandom, mental health, and nostalgic posts, haha. Almost entirely opposite of my current one. So if you see a notification under the name of "Leif," that's me!

No problem! I think "queer imposter syndrome" is something a lot of people can relate to. I'm as aro as they get (jk you can't be more or less aro) and I still like romantic media and even envisioning myself in romantic relationships.

Honestly my experience is a lot like yours because I also dated once before and hated it! It lasted like a week and I despised every second of it even though I really liked the person.

Despite the fact that I'm 1000% certain that I'm aromantic and will never experience romantic attraction, I still doubt it sometimes. There are moments where I'm like "I'm not aro enough because I like self shipping". Sometimes it feels like it's my "dirty little secret" and that I should be ashamed of it or like I'm betraying my community. But then I realize how dumb that sounds. People who like horror movies don't want to be murdered by a chainsaw wielding serial killer. It's no different with romantic media.

Hell, even if I did experience romantic attraction at some point I'd still be some form of arospec, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Romance is everywhere, it's constantly shoved down everyone's throats as this thing that is Necessary To Live. It's no wonder why aros specifically have a lot of issues with believing their own identities when we're constantly told romance is a universal experience that's necessary to be human.

Anyways, I'm rambling. Thank you for the nice ask!

[rivalsforlife]

I finished the new persona 5 tactica game and its dlc in 7 days which is faster than most people with their priorities in order, so I am ahead of all of my friends and therefore am going to dump all my spoilery opinions here.

The gameplay was fun (I played on easy mode because I am a baby) and I liked making triangles. that was definitely the most satisfying part of the game when I could make triangles and wipe out every enemy on the board at once. I felt like a god. I liked seeing these characters again, I like them, I like getting little insights into their lives.

I can't say that the story was """objectively""" bad but it did a lot of things that just kind of irritated me / felt sloppy / holy shit this is some of the worst Women Writing in a franchise I wouldn't say has particularly stellar Women Writing.

To begin with, I will list off my predictions going into this game based off of trailers:

-This is obviously taking place inside this toshiro guy's brain and/or he's the one who is causing all of this.

-all the villains are going to be Evil People In His Life

-first boss Marie is going to be his wife/fiancee, but it's some kind of political marriage type deal. second boss is going to be some kind of mentor/boss. probably run into a character that is going to be his teacher at some point when the school arc hits

-erina is based on a real person in his life as well who was involved in whatever sort of rebellion toshiro did outside of all this.

This is practically exactly what happens in the game, with the exception that I got the second boss's identity wrong (he's the father, which in hindsight I should've guessed from the start - instead I guessed as soon as Toshiro brought up that his father arranged his marriage).

It might be my fault for watching the trailers before playing but in my defense this game is extremely predictable. Like I said, I guessed the second boss's identity before he even showed up in the game. I think it became pretty apparent this was toshiro's fault early into the game.

uh what else. first kingdom I didn't love much because it felt very repetitive and like it went on for too long. as I wrote in discord after finishing it:

toshiro and erina are both fine but a lot of it is like. extremely predictable and blatant about it. like I could guess marie's whole deal from the trailers so it's a lot of "yeah we know. yeah we know" and it feels weird how the phantom thieves haven't yet at all guessed that toshiro is the cause of this when it feels like that's deefinitely how they're going to end up. a lot of the early segments felt repetitive (toshiro "oh no we should run away why would we risk getting hurt" erina "but we have to stand up for what is right!" toshiro "!" repeat endlessly until close to the end of the kingdom). and I definitely did not enjoy marie as a villain, she's so cartoonishly evil that it just kind of got to the point of exhaustion. comparing her as a first-game villain to someone like kamoshida for example, both are horrible people, but seeing kamoshida in real life and his actions in real life and how it was affecting everyone, despite him being fairly one-dimensional as a villain, made him an extremely hateable but very effective villain. I did not feel any of that for marie I was just sick of her. I'm hoping the game steps it up a bit moving forward bc I think the "not seeing the villains in reality aside from a few brief glimpses" thing might be rough on that aspect

I played the DLC after the first kingdom, which was a mistake because they have the same credits as the full game meaning I got spoiled on Yuki being related to him somehow. I thought she was a sister, maybe, until the moment toshiro brought up that his mom was dead, and then it was pretty obvious but it took the game FOREVER to actually state this.

Yuki's writing is where I really started to lose it because her character trait is Mother. There's nothing else. I actually laughed a bit when she jumped in front of that beam to protect toshiro because literally where else could it possibly be going. at this time I declared her "the most fridged persona character ever". this was, perhaps, naive.

THIRD KINGDOM. the introduction of eri natsuhara who dragged erina down with her. we have now completed the "bitch wife - mother - manic pixie dream girl" trifecta of shitty female character writing tropes. And I don't think it would bother me quite so much if they didn't go for all three in the same game and none of those three seemed to have any amount of motivation outside of toshiro.

Like again I'm not going to claim that persona has ever had stellar female character writing, but they typically at least manage to have the characters have some amount of traits outside of whatever guy they're associated with...? They have some characters I really like (Futaba, Yukari, Mitsuru as examples off the top of my head) and most at least have some part of their character arc as an individual one.

I guess the closest I could compare Eri's whole thing to is Aigis, but Aigis at least had a good part of her character arc independent, tying into the overall "meaning of life" theme, trying to figure out her own purpose and soul and ending up on "wanting to protect the protagonist" isn't bad because the game is about friends giving you the meaning of life. aigis contributes a lot thematically and I think her character arc makes sense. at least in my view.

I did not see any reason for Eri to be the supportive character to Toshiro's whole deal, but she's like "I'm going to help you achieve your dreams!!" when her own dreams and goals took a hard sideline in the plot. We know basically nothing about what Eri's done in the presumably decades between the high school events and the events of this game. The game really tried pushing the "sometimes, if you fight back... people get hurt!" but it was much more of an emphasis on "toshiro is sad that eri got hurt" and much less "how is Eri actually suffering from this other than in hospital wearing bandages". we know she lost her will to fight but the girl literally just got hit by a train so who can blame her for that, we don't know how or why she regained it, I especially don't like that she made the whole thing about "I'll catch up to you one day!". Did she get to graduate? What's her career like? What's the extent of her injuries and how do they impact her day-to-day life? We know Toshiro got shunned by everyone but did Eri have her social circle decimated as well, especially since Toshiro apparently never talked to her again??

It's like the focus on Eri's injuries was a) she lost her will to fight :( b) Toshiro is sad about it and they won't be able to fight together anymore :( and not the things about how it's impacted her life outside of Toshiro. I think that would've been nice to see more.

And the thing I especially didn't like about how they wrote Eri is that her character dragged down Erina, who was pretty good throughout the first arc, fell kinda into the background in the second arc, and then in arc 3 just got pretty much merged with Eri and suddenly her sole purpose was to protect Toshiro's heart -- nothing about the people she was trying to protect in the first arc or really anything other than a few allusions to an ongoing identity crisis over not being a real person. I will admit that her turning into a Persona was the first time I was genuinely caught off guard in this game.

(Sidenote: It was so obvious throughout the third arc that the ruler would be Shadow-ish Toshiro that the red herring they were pulling with nakabachi was completely insufferable.)

Anyways I get that this wasn't an Erina Game it's a Toshiro Game but it's just the combination of a bunch of weird writing decisions that really got to me in this case and at a certain point it was like doing a bingo for "shitty women writing". Eri is both the Inspiration For Toshiro's Rebellious Spirit who also Sees His Potential and Wants To Help Him Achieve His Dreams and then is later The Poor Defenseless Victim And Her Being Hurt Causes Toshiro To Lose His Way But Still Inspires Him To Be Better, and she's also The Woman Who Broke His Heart And Spirit And Is The Cause Of His Suffering But He Doesn't Regret The Time They Spent Together... it's just a weird checklist and it got tiring for me. I don't mind some of these things if it wasn't also in conjunction with Yuki's sole personality being Mother and Marie's sole personality being Bitch Wife Only Marrying Me For My Status.

idk maybe I'll feel better about it as time passes but at a certain point it was like my god are we really still doing this.

anyways what else. the DLC! I enjoyed the DLC overall. I really liked Guernica and Luca's whole thing. I think it was mostly held back by the fact that neither Akechi or Sumire were their normal selves and you couldn't fully allude to their Problems. Akechi kind of did nothing even if bullying him was fun. Sumire got a few good moments. I found it especially weird that Akechi didn't pick up on anything being up with "Kasumi", especially when at one point Luca literally calls her "Kasumi" in front of everyone, and especially when he should have picked up on something being weird when Sumire was talking about her sister since to the best of my knowledge japanese doesn't have an age-neutral "sister" word so she would have been saying "younger sister" when she meant "older sister". but I'd be interested in checking the original out to see if they got away with it some other way.

(I do find Akechi's one weird "let me guess, you're a god" comment extremely funny though. Is it meant to imply he's dealt with gods before this because I don't think he should have. I think Akechi got too much knowledge of how persona games work for a second.)

I really think Akechi could've been an interesting addition to the main game considering the plot is centered around the guy who is rumored to be becoming prime minister after Shido, but I figured out pretty quick that they couldn't put him in here because he would just have too much knowledge about the current political state and would be able to deduce at least most of the second arc very quickly. at least half this game apparently operates on idiot plot or in one memorable case "yeah I thought something was off but apparently decided not to say anything about it until now". so back to purgatory with you, akechi.

oh one last thing. in the main story. why the fuck were the phantom thieves there?? I get how the whole thing got constructed for toshiro but there was no reason for the thieves to get called into this, because the god wouldn't want them there and (unlike the dlc) toshiro wouldn't have called for them, unless maybe it was subconscious, but they really don't even attempt at giving a half-assed explanation so I am still completely lost on that.

anyways overall like I said I had fun but a lot of this felt sloppy. sometimes I feel bad about my writing skills but then I remember how incredibly unsubtle persona is and feel better about myself. I really wish erina could have driven the plot on her own right and not just for toshiro's sake. that's kind of the part I feel bitterest about at this point.

[astrosfaerydae]

Chapter 5: Nightshifter

With ao3 being down I'm going to post the full text here of chapter 5. I'll still link it but I don't know when ao3 will be back so enjoy this here.

[word count: 4.1k]

Tags/notes/warnings:

TW// violence, blood, death, weapons, bruises, mentions of vomit

There's a lot this chapter so if missed anything let me know! Also chan's dad is named Charlie here, not gonna use real names out of respect. (Also Charlie is my second favorite spn character after Rowena) Sorry didn't have this up when I said would life has been crazy and then ao3 has been down all morning.

⚠️⚠️⚠️ as far as the fic as a whole goes we are about to go into dead dove territory read with caution and take care. There are tags for a reason.

Summary:

"This!" Chan pointed at Felix gesturing up and down, "You are too nice for this! You deserve a normal life!" "How normal can my life be if l'm carrying around a little baggie of god knows what to keep demons from coming after me for reasons that we still don't know!" Felix replied quickly, his voice cracking as he ran out of breath. He wasn't trying to fight Chan again but anytime he tried to question him about anything Chan kept going on about how he should live a normal life. It was getting exhausting, his life was anything but normal from the moment he stepped foot in that library.

Felix slumped against the wall, guilt flooded every bone in his body. The anger that had erupted earlier was now replaced with a deep aching sense of humiliation and regret. Chan saved him, he gave him clothes and food; it may have been just a pop-tart but he didn't have to do anything for him. He could easily have dropped him off at his house and washed his hands of the whole situation but he didn't. And how did Felix repay him? He pushed and shoved until Chan snapped.

He needed answers though, not just answers but justice. But not this way, Felix was ashamed of himself for how he reacted. So, as much as he wanted answers he had the urge to run. He kept imagining himself running straight out of Chan's front door and never looking back. He couldn't do that even if he wanted to, he was sure Chan would come looking for him regardless. His only option was to sit with this horrible feeling until Chan came back.

A lump in his throat gave way to a deluge of tears. He was crying again, pathetic. This was a situation of his own creation, he didn't deserve to cry. He should've just kept his mouth shut and listened instead of bombarding Chan with twenty million questions all at once.

As it turned out some of the answers he really probably would've been better off never knowing in the first place. He did question them though… but Chan hasn't lied to him yet. Despite being a little big in the head, Chan had been nothing but nice and honest with Felix. He had to apologize as soon as Chan came back, he knew that much. However he wondered if everything he's ever known was a lie or was Chan lying. How could he believe Chan over people that he's know his whole life? But why would anyone lie about God being missing in the first place? It just seemed so improbable, but monsters were real so why would God abandoning his creation be so far-fetched?

As silent tears fell, he continued this back and forth in his head for a while. It was such a relief when he finally heard a knock on the bedroom door. Felix was tired of being alone with his thoughts, granted he had to face Chan but it was better than fighting the demons in his head alone.

Chan came in wordlessly, but he looked like he had calmed down at least. He exhaled heavily as he dropped to the floor beside Felix. "Well you got what you wanted, Dad will be here later, but under no circumstances can you leave the car when we get where we're going," Chan said sternly, his gaze attached to the floor.

"I'm sorry," Felix murmured so quietly under his breath that Chan had to ask him to repeat himself. He did, this time just barely loud enough for Chan to make out the words.

"It's ok," Felix picked his head up to look at Chan, he didn't expect to hear that, "Yea… you made me lose my temper but you also have had your worldview completely blown up in the last few weeks. That's enough to put anyone on edge…" Chan still refused to look up at Felix, but he did glance over at him, "I'm sorry about that too," he said pointing at Felix's wrists. Despite letting up relatively quickly, the deep scarlet marks circling Felix's wrists were certain to turn into bruises.

"No it's ok," he stated, rubbing his wrists tenderly, "I shouldn't have pushed you like that, you were really just defending yourself."

Chan felt what was left of his anger slowly dissipate, left in its place was the pang of guilt. Felix has enough going on, more than even he knew, without Chan adding to his struggles. "Welp," Chan clapped his hands together as he hopped up from the floor, enough with the feelings it was time to get to business, "It's in the past now, let's go eat, we have a hunt to prepare for."

It wasn't as easy for Felix to just jump up and move on to the next thing as it seemed it was for Chan but he had to trudge through.

They ate 'breakfast' or what Chan referred to as breakfast. Pop-tarts and coffee weren't exactly a healthy filling option for grown adults. Especially grown adults that need a lot of energy, Felix would lecture him about that later. For now, they discussed the intricacies of hunting a shapeshifter. Chan repeatedly emphasized he doesn't need to use any of this because he's not allowed to leave the car. It felt kinda useless tagging along if he couldn't help but getting to see justice served in real time was an okay trade off.

It was silent for a while as they nursed their coffee. Chan didn't mind sitting in silence, he usually did, but it felt really awkward to sit in silence across from Felix. He was staring at his phone and the table was practically vibrating as his leg bounced furiously. Chan wanted to break the silence in hopes of getting Felix to calm down. He didn't want to have to worry about Felix being a panicky ticking time bomb tonight, "Soooooo I gave you answers, how about you answer something for me?"

"What?" Felix replied as he continued scrolling on his phone.

"Who's the special guy that you wanted to 'act on it' with?" Felix nearly spat coffee in Chan's face at the question. There's no way he could answer truthfully and after choking on his coffee he had to wrack his brain for a suitable answer to give Chan.

"Uhm, No one special really, just some guy at work he uhm well he bent over and- I'm not really comfortable talking about it. Can we change the subject?" Felix laughed nervously as his ears got hot and a rosy blush spread across his face.

"Sure but if it makes you any bit more comfortable I'm not exactly straight either, I don't know if I'd necessarily put a label on it though." Chan shrugged. He was just Chan, that's all that mattered to him.

"Really?" Felix asked tentatively. That definitely doesn't make him feel better at all. In fact, it's much worse for him.

"Well if they are of age and huma–" Chan paused with a groan, "nope I can't say human there was this one time with a vampire but I swear I didn't know she was a vamp until after we had sex. But uh yea I just try to draw the line and stick to just humans." He rambled, somewhat nervously.

"Isn't a vampire technically human adjacent?" Felix questioned, genuinely curious. They can't be that much different from a human, can they?

"Yes, but it's kind of a general rule not to have sex with things you want to kill." Chan took a sip of his coffee as if this was just any normal run-of-the-mill breakfast banter. Yes, fucking vampires is a totally normal thing to talk about over pop-tarts and coffee.

"How do you even find time to do anything at all? You always seem busy hunting, relationships must be hard." It was then that Felix realized the subject never really changed, but there was no turning back now.

"Relationships?" Chan scoffed, "Hook-ups only here, anything more than that is a liability." Chan could tell by the look on Felix's face he was confused and with a deep sigh he continued, "Loving anyone or anything is a liability, even family. It can be used against you and believe me when it is, not if, when, it's a pain worse than death."

For the first time, Felix felt bad for the man. There was a real pain behind his eyes as if he was speaking from experience. Felix reached across the table and held Chan's hand without hesitation, "I'm really sorry you had to go through that, if you ever need to–"

Chan rudely interrupted him, ripping his hand away, "I won't talk about it with anyone, and see this is why exactly you can't be out there!" Rage tainted his voice causing Felix to shrink back in his seat. It was well meaning but scary nonetheless.

"Why?" He asked innocently.

"This!" Chan pointed at Felix gesturing up and down, "You are too nice for this! You deserve a normal life!"

"How normal can my life be if I'm carrying around a little baggie of god knows what to keep demons from coming after me for reasons that we still don't know!" Felix replied quickly, his voice cracking as he ran out of breath. He wasn't trying to fight Chan again but anytime he tried to question him about anything Chan kept going on about how he should live a normal life. It was getting exhausting, his life was anything but normal from the moment he stepped foot in that library.

"We are still working on that, but it doesn't mean you need to be dragged into it. It's not fair…" Chan's demeanor softened towards Felix, "I've had so many friends die in my arms, no one deserves that and especially you."

The word 'you' was highly emphasized, Felix might have to circle back to that later, but he did have a friend die in his arms. It was only one but that was traumatizing enough. "I'm sorry you have to live this life, why can't you just leave?"

"It's the family business, has been for generations, it's what I was born into. That's all I know really." Chan shrugged. He had long resigned to the fate ahead of him. Live long enough to train the next generation of hunters or die trying. "Just promise for now you'll at least try to act normal."

"I can try," Felix took a sip of his coffee and hung his head. Life as he knew it was over even if he did return to some semblance of normalcy. It wouldn't change how drastically his worldview had altered in such little time. Many if not all of his deeply rooted core beliefs were shattered in mere seconds and he's just expected to return to life as normal. Seems like a tall order.

They both scrolled on their phones in relative silence after that. There were a few small questions here and there but nothing that really mattered. Neither of them were keen to talk after their earlier conversation. The energy in the air was thick and it felt like one small spark could cause an explosion.

Thankfully, the tension in the air was finally broken by a knock at the door. It was already well after dark, Chan rushed over to see who it was. It was his Dad. He was late for some reason.

Felix watched as they had what seemed to be a heated but hushed conversation. Chan's dad was averaged sized as far as height but like Chan, he was ripped all to hell. Fighting monsters does that to a person, Felix surmised. He could also see where Chan got his good looks from, if his dad was younger they might look like twins.

After they settled down, Chan's dad approached Felix with his hand outstretched, "Nice to meet you Felix. I've heard lots about you. Name's Charles but most people call me Charlie." Oh, Chan talks about him, that's absolutely great to know. Just one more thing to think about on the list of things he definitely doesn't want to think about.

"Nice to meet you too sir," Felix said kindly, shaking the man's hand.

"No offense but none of that sir shit, call me Charlie. Sir makes me feel old." Charlie physically cringed as he said the word old.

"Haha, ok cool!" Felix blushed as he was also internally cringing. He wasn't used to that kind of reaction, valid of course, but not what he was used to.

"So did Chan here fill you in? Don't leave the car under any circumstances." He stated harshly, "We're late, we gotta get going now, I'll discuss details in the car," Charlie motioned for them to hurry up and grab their stuff as he led the way out the door.

Felix sat in the back seat of the car and listened as Chan and his dad discussed the case. The shifter was apparently killing people and stealing their identities to keep police off his tail while he committed robbery after robbery. Another hunter was after him but Charlie said he'd take over and they gladly let him. The way he talked Charlie seemed like he had some kind of seniority with hunters. He was definitely someone who had been around the block a few times, to say the least. He showed no signs of anxiety going into this hunt. Neither did Chan, this seemed like an average Saturday night to them. Well, Chan did say it was the family business so it probably was how they spent their weekends.

It wasn't long before they were pulling up in a Walmart parking lot. The lot was empty save a few RVs and trailers in the back. This felt wrong and weird, Felix thought, but he clearly wasn't the expert here. But weren't monsters supposed to creep in the shadows and cover their trail, not show up at Walmart of all places. Charlie did say there were robberies at other big box stores in town that accompanied a murder or two in the near vicinity. They guessed this would be the next target as it was really the only one left to hit. So it made sense, yet things still felt very off.

Their guess was correct but they may have been too late if the body by the door and pile of distinctive shifter goo was any indication. The two men scrambled to get out of the car as fast as they could, each spewing a mixture of colorful expletives that were vulgar enough to make a sailor blush.

Chan hurriedly handed Felix a silver dagger, "Here take this and here's my phone. Call the second number on the speed dial if anything happens ok." He ran off without another word, forgetting to shut the car door behind him.

Now all that was left for Felix to do was wait. and wait. and wait… until he couldn't. He saw no movement from inside the doors and couldn't hear anything at all. Not that he expected to, no news is better than bad news, right? Somebody without anxiety definitely came up with that saying.

Felix ran up to the broken sliding doors, and peered in. He didn't see anything immediately in his line of vision and crept into the main entrance. The flickering lights in the parking lot gave the area an ominous glow. Unlike the rest of the store this area relied mainly on natural light. Felix could just make out the carts lined up to his left and an alcove to his right that was illuminated slightly better by a set of vending machines.

It was a little bit of a relief when he heard Chan's voice in the distance. His voice meant he was alive at least. Not much of a relief though as the man sounded like he was almost negotiating. Why would Chan negotiate with a monster?

Then Felix saw exactly why. The shifter rounded the corner, back facing him and a gun pointed at Chan and Charlie. In his other hand was a duffle bag that Felix assumed to be full of cash. For every step forward that they took the shifter stepped back. Felix dipped into the alcove with his back pressed against the cold cinder block wall. His entire body went numb with adrenaline as he heard the echo of its shoes tapping against the tile floor. They were coming closer and closer, heading right his way. Felix closed his eyes and slowed his breathing to try to calm himself.

He could now hear its voice clearly, "Hey at least I'm not out here stealing from the mom and pop shops, Walmart could stand to lose a few dollars no harm, no foul." The shifter spoke, it was a female voice, presumably of the poor lady who lay dead outside.

"Tell that to the families of the people you've killed. I'm sure they'd appreciate your thoughtfulness!" Charlie quipped.

"Just let me get out of here and you'll never see this face again!" The shifter laughed stupidly at his own pun as he continued his slow escape.

Felix carefully peaked around the corner of the alcove and made eye contact with Chan and Charlie. Furious didn't even begin to describe the look in their eyes. After the shifter, Felix might be dead too, well if looks could kill anyways. His heart was racing faster as the shifter closed in. There were two options: he would either be found and possibly shot or he could try to stab the shifter from the back. Chan and Charlie were obviously no help to him while they were at gunpoint themselves.

Felix took a deep breath and stepped out quietly, the shifter was an arms length away from him now. He turned the dagger to hold it properly as Chan had taught him and lunged forward. With a primal scream, Felix put all of his weight behind the dagger and felt it grind against the bones as it went deeper. The edges of the wound seemed to burn as the crimson blood seeped out. The shifter promptly fell to the ground with the silver dagger still embedded in its back and with one last horrid gurgling noise it ceased breathing. Felix stared straight ahead in shock. His mind went blank as he looked to them for any sign of what he should be doing next. Charlie looked rather pissed off, but Chan however seemed relieved. They weren't moving with any kind of haste which helped Felix relax a tiny bit if that was even possible.

"I'll take care of this," Charlie yelled out, "you get that fucking kid home and chain him to a bed if you have to. What were you thinking Felix? You could've gotten hurt or worse!?"

The words were fuzzy to Felix. He heard Charlie speak but he couldn't quite process it, he just killed a shifter. He killed the shifter that murdered Donovan. It should've felt good, he saved Chan and Charlie too. Why did he feel like he wanted to vomit instead? It could be the adrenaline or the anxiety but either way, he stood there like a newborn foal, wobbly and looking for some reassurance.

"Do I need to come back and get you?" Chan asked his dad as he retrieved the dagger from the dead shifter's body with ease.

"No, I'll call Bobby just get him the hell out of here. Thank you Felix seriously but if you ever step a toe out of line again I'll have your ass!" Felix furiously nodded at Charlie as words weren't an option for his brain right now.

Chan nodded too and walked towards Felix. He grabbed his arm and began dragging him to the car. He wasn't forceful with his grip but he was moving faster than Felix's feet could manage right now. Many trips and stumbles later they finally made it to the car. They were in a rush, Chan practically threw Felix in the passenger seat. Once he was behind the wheel he sped off in the direction of Felix's house without a word.

Felix decided he wouldn't speak unless he was spoken to. He knew he wasn't supposed to get out of the car, but he got worried and in his mind with the way things turned out, it was justified. Sure they did this all the time but from Felix's point of view they were up the creek without a paddle. In other words, utterly screwed. He didn't think he deserved to be yelled at for it. Everything was ok, it may not have gone smoothly but they were all alive. However, he shuddered to think what would've happened had they not.

With Chan's lead foot they were in his driveway in no time. Felix figured if Chan hadn't spoken to him this entire ride he wasn't going to at all and began to step out of the car silently. He was proven wrong when Chan yanked him back down by his shirt.

"Are you ok?" His tone was solemn, he sounded almost worried.

"I guess as ok as I'm going to be," Felix chuckled nervously, he killed a shifter and still had blood on him. What kind of question was that?

"Don't get me wrong, I'm mad for sure. You didn't listen, but I'm really glad you are ok, I'm glad we're all ok," he let out a deep sigh and hung his head, "We were in a tough spot, there was another shifter inside Dad killed 'em. We thought there was only one and just got a little caught off guard, it happens."

"What would y'all have done if I didn't kill it? There had to be a backup plan?"

"Oh there was one," Chan answered quickly, "let it go. We can't track it if we're dead."

"That sounds like a great backup plan, let the thing go, it finds a new face, and boom gone." Felix deadpanned.

"I didn't say it was a great backup plan, it was a backup plan. Shit happens, it's not like we haven't done this before." Chan shrugged with a slight laugh. He was relieved that Felix still seemed like himself after the whole ordeal.

"I have so many questions I don't even know If I want the answers to…" Felix wondered aloud. He had already had the equivalent of Pandora's box opened for him, how could it get any worse? It couldn't, right?

"Nope, remember you promised to try to go back to your life and not get involved anymore." If Felix didn't remember he could count on Chan to be there to remind him a million times over.

"Yea, I get to go to church in the morning probably with shifter blood stained on my hands and pray to a god that's missing. Totally normal life… but no seriously I'll try. I– I'm Sorry, I didn't listen." Felix hung his head. He didn't want to apologize because he killed the damn thing, but it felt like the right thing to do.

"It's fine, seriously, as long as you are ok," Chan paused and thought for a moment before turning to Felix looking insanely confused, "Wait I have another question for you now. Why go back to a church where you are hated for who you are by people that claim to speak for God when God isn't even around? That sounds like the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard." Again there was anger in his voice, at least it didn't feel like it was directed at Felix this time.

"Well…" Unfortunately, Chan was right, it did sound dumb. He couldn't argue that. "But you said go back to normal. I've gone every Sunday my whole entire life. If I just don't show up first off that's not normal second my mom will have the entire congregation out searching for me."

"I guess you better go then," he laughed, "She sounds intense."

"Tell me about it. But no, I can't just stop going. It feels wrong." It felt wrong either way even if he didn't kill the shifter, how could he sit in a godless house of god and listen to them claim to speak for him? How could he sit there desperately wanting to cling to his beliefs even though he knows God isn't here? It was going to be tough he knew that much, but life goes on.

"Are you sure you're ok though? Seriously, that was a lot."

"I think sooo," his voice lifted questioningly, Felix honestly had no clue. What other choice did he have other than that? He could sob and wail but he'd already done enough of that.

"If you need anything you have my number, now go get some rest," Chan made a shooing motion towards Felix to usher him out of the car, "and I'll see you Tuesday at the gym right?"

"See you Tuesday," Felix hopped out of the car and headed for his door. He looked back one last time and called out, "You get some rest too and eat some proper food!" Chan smiled and rolled his eyes as pulled away.

When Felix made his way inside he laid down on the couch without the first thought of cleaning up. He passed out quickly, possibly before his head even hit the cushion.