#why is........ everything............ so gd exhausting | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

brokenbones-singsongs · 2 years ago

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Things that bother me that I don’t bother speaking about

1. Nothing fits me anymore. None of my clothes. Certainly none of my dresses. Nothing. I’ve gained so much weight since December that the $200 dresses I bought for my brothers wedding etc. this year don’t fit and the wedding is next week. I feel disgusting. I don’t take pictures anymore. I rarely ever wear anything but sweatshirts and yoga pants and I can’t buy anything from my favorite store literally ever anymore.

2. Because of the above, it’s taking everything I have in me not to fall back into my 15 year old selfs habit of just ✨not eating✨ but still working out and running miles every other day just to feel like I was skinny enough for it to be acceptable. I think about it every day and quite honestly it’s very hard for me to eat more than one meal without hating myself. Groceries are too expensive to manage an actual diet and be healthy. I have no extra income. It’s hard and frustrating and unhealthy and I’m exhausted and I HATE myself.

3. I spend every single one of my days wondering how my best friend of six years could just leave and not tell me why.

4. I also spend every single day thinking about how I ruined another girls life both entirely on accident and on purpose because even after I found out the truth of things I still pursued. I’m literally the asshole I swore I would never ever be.

5. I wonder all the time if I’m going to wake up one day and be told by my husband that he hates the way I show love and always has and he doesn’t know why he married me (because it happened before) and I don’t think I’ll survive another heartbreak like that

6. I want to do something constructive with my time like a regular yoga class or a gym membership somewhere structured and take care of myself and whatever but I can’t because I am a mom and it’s expensive. I’m lowkey resentful of my fiancé for having jiu jitsu even if he gets paid to do part of it. He gets to fuck off for several hours every week and do what he loves and I just…don’t. Ever. I’m always at work or always a mom and even when I go out with friends etc. I’m still a mom. I have to take the baby everywhere and I’m tired and I just want to exist outside of being depended on literally every second of the day. There is no reprieve.

7. I don’t like one of our dogs.

8. I’m not even sure I want to have any pets ever again after the ones we do have are gone. They’re like kids and some days it takes everything in me to get out of bed and pay attention to them.

9. I quit my job partly for money but mostly because I have a debilitating fear of failure and the moment I started getting micromanaged over missing the expiration on some fruit despite spending an entire day going above and beyond to be as perfect as perfect can be…something shifted and I spent days wanting to throw up over the stress of fucking up again. I can’t do it. I’m also beyond sick of the “social media content” I’m supposed to create EVERY. FCKING. DAY. Work isn’t they interesting and put menu rarely changes. I can’t take 900 pictures of the same damn thing. 3-5 images a day is asinine and I hate myself so why would I post videos of myself doing anything? Look like a gd land 🐋

10. I want to tell a lot of people to stfu up and I literally don’t care when they tell me their problems. Like literally 99.9% of people. I’m so tired of negativity and always having to try to figure out how to respond without sounding disingenuous.

11. I didn’t think I was depressed but nothing is bringing me Joy or has in a long time. I’m simply existing and dealing in a neutral state and idk if that’s testament to the coping skills I learned year ago or if I’m just in a weird kind of autopilot. But the more time goes on the more I start to realize I might actually need professional help.

12. I’ve started stuttering and having a harder time getting words out in the last year or so and I wonder if something is amiss. They thought I had a stroke when I was pregnant that was really just a horrible migraine…but what if something is really off?

13. I think I fucked up by not getting my tachycardia meds refilled thinking it was only exacerbated by pregnancy and I’d be fine because I’ve almost passed out several times lately. The cause could also be I’ve gained my baby weight back. It’s stupid and I’m worried. I like that it still beats and I’m alive.

That’s all for now.

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troybarnesbucky · 4 years ago

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i cannot describe in words the sheer exhaustion i feel right now. lemme just that the time for compromising myself and my feelings and hurt, for the benefit of another person and relationship?? over.

#gd it was so mentally draining #to the point where we were going back and forth for FOUR FUCKING HOURS #and the reason i had stopped texting her in the first place was bc i didnt wanna be her friend and be hurt anymore #and SOMEHOW i got to the point where i spent four hours justifying my hurt and she STILL wont wholly acknowledge it as 1. a valid response #to her actions and/or lack thereof and 2. a valid reason for not wanting to talk to her after begging her to just have a conversation #AND i stopped because i didnt wanna be her friend anymore. i stopped bc i didnt want to put an effort into us anymore. and somehow #we got to the point where i was crying over a voice message trying to articulate and rephrase WHAT I SAID A THOUSAND TIMES #and STILL it took another two hours #AND ONLY THEN did we touch— and barely at that— what i had initially wanted two months before #and somehow among all of this i forgot that i actually dont wanna be her fucking friend anymore #and i had to be reminded by two of my other friends of how hurt i was and how done i was #so im just so burnt out and so exhausted and i feel like everything ive felt over the course of the last few years #in relation to us and our friendship #means absolutely zero. nothing. and thats how I know this will never work.#im literally so damn angry and upset and frustrated. i feel so dumb.#BUT i will say im so grateful for the people who have both stuck by me in general and helped me through this in particular #it took me twenty years but im finally starting to reach out to people. i hate it because i suck and everyone hates me so why would anyone #want to listen to me BUT i did it. so im so grateful that those few people reinforced their presence in my life that i felt safe and #comfortable enough to go to them.#anyways im exhausted to my core and I don’t know if ill sleep but yeah #personal

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daesungindistress · 3 years ago

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I’m so sorry about all the OT5 stans in your inbox, but would be be able to pick up on the G Dragon instagram likes ask please? I feel super confused by why he’s liking Seungri and Nyongtory posts this shit is tormenting me

Hey anon, sorry you're feeling tormented by this. Don't be, okay? Don't let the warped perspective of those weirdos get to you.

Disclaimer: I haven't seen everything GD is liking on IG because, unlike some people, I don't feel the need to track his every step on social media just to sell a story of him being ride or die for a shameless liar, selfish prick, and now convicted sex offender who quit the band over three years ago. But I have seen some things, and heard whisperings of others. And the day you sent me your initial ask about this, I ventured over to the swampy side of VIP Twitter to investigate... and here are my observations.

First, my advice to you and everyone else in this clusterfuck of a fandom is to always exercise extreme skepticism when faced with claims by supporters of Seungri and deniers of reality known as OT5. They've spent the last three and a half years proving themselves consistently and passionately wrong about everything Seungri and BB, insisting on his innocence, swearing that the group was nothing and would never go on without him, squandering so many opportunities to support the remaining members on their continuing journey. Do not blindly accept their labeling; it's how they control the narrative, and it always comes back to bite them.

To answer your question: GD isn't liking "Seungri posts" or "Seungri solo shots," as you put it previously. Just because that's how his fans have pitched it doesn't make it correct; they're only showing you half the picture, and in fact are withholding information from you. What GD is liking are photos (and photosets) of himself, his work, his merch. Collections of images from his most recent pictorial with Vogue, reposts of his PEACEMINUSONE products, etc. Sadly, "fans" with an agenda (many of them shippers) discovered a few weeks ago that they could sneak a solo pic or two of Seungri into these photosets filled with pictures of GD, usually hidden at the very end, buried 9 pics deep, with the expectation that he wouldn't take the time to scroll that far given his borderline manic activity on IG at the time. They did this hoping he wouldn't notice, thinking they could trick him into liking it, then use it as fuel for their Nyongtory fantasies. They'd lay the trap, tag his account, xxxibgdrgn, and wait.

And it's worked. When they get that coveted like they scroll through their photoset full of GD pics and screenshot only the pic of Seungri, with GD's seal of approval proudly displayed beneath, and pass those screenshots around, pitching it as "GD liked Seungri pics" to anyone willing to swallow it.

He has also been liking clips from his old tour vids (e.g., MOTTE 2017), collabs with other artists, and yes! BIGBANG. In the case of old BB videos (that happen to include Seungri, because yeah, he was there and part of their recorded history) even if Seungri appears in the video for only a moment, OT5s will painstakingly pause the video on his close-ups and present it as if the clip was entirely about him, as if that and nothing else was what GD was focused on when he liked it, nevermind that the guy was only onscreen for a second or two. It's very calculated, what they're doing, deliberately misleading, and potentially damaging, should anyone make the mistake of taking their games of make-believe seriously.

What makes this so exhausting is nothing about this deranged behavior is new. Nothing. When Youngbae posted a solo cam very clearly centered on himself from BIGBANG's Last Dance tour on IG in early 2020, during preparations for Coachella, Seungri appeared in the background of one shot for a fraction of a second. And you know what those fans did, don't you? They timed it just right, captured a single, blurry frame that if you squinted may or may not have been him, and claimed Youngbae had posted a "video of Seungri," which to them equaled full support. Came here to taunt me about it too, anonymously. Insanity.

They did the same when TOP posted a clip of the chorus from the Fantastic Baby music video later that same year, in his caption cracking a silly joke about having predicted everyone masking up in a pandemic. I'm sure you can guess which split-second shot this fandom's nutcases chose to focus on, determined as always to make everything the BIGBANG members do wholly about someone it's not. They're exactly as psychotic about the matter today as they were back then. Even more so, I'd argue, given everything that's transpired in the two years since.

On that note, before anyone says, "but GD liked OT5 pics," do keep in mind he has also liked OT4 pics, i.e., BIGBANG group photos with Seungri cropped out (if he was even there to begin with). Including this one, in which the KVIP who posted it described the members pictured here as the "whole group" and expressed her wish to see them together again.

Side note: when GD's IG liking spree first began, some OT4s speculated that he may not have been taking the time to read the captions on some of the posts he was liking. OT5s clowned them for that. Then, when GD liked this OT4 pic, OT5s said, in a hilarious imitation of the very OT4s they'd been laughing at, "Well, maybe he didn't read the caption." lol. So, uh, where does this leave us? Agreeing on something for once? Or all just clowning ourselves and each other?

Of course, it is possible that as these people are getting bolder GD may be noticing the shots of Seungri that they're slipping into his photosets... and just doesn't care. He may know full well what a few maniacs will make of it as he browses through fans' offerings and pauses over familiar imagery from his and his group's past and present, and now moving more confidently than he has in years, isn't so concerned about appearances as to let that stop him.

I don't know, can't say for sure. But you know what, if that's the case, then at this point I'm okay with it. BIGBANG have just had their first four-member comeback. It's finally happened, they've made their position clear, as did Seungri when he withdrew from the industry several years ago (his eventual conviction combined w/ prison time just hammered the point home). If some fans haven't gotten the hint by now, they never will, and it's unreasonable and unfair to expect the BB members to tiptoe around their past music/concerts/memories/experiences forever, walking on eggshells for fear of encountering sight, sound, or mention of Seungri just to avoid triggering a few crazies. Because like it or not, those people will always find ways to connect him to BIGBANG. That's how serious this has become to them. Unfortunately, for the truly sick in the head, delusions don't just end. But as for BIGBANG, they have a new beginning to get underway. As I said in a previous ask reply: keep the memories but move on.

Unless prompted somehow, I don't always feel a need to draw attention to the OT4 occurrences, such as when GD liked the pic above. That was weeks ago, I've known about it since the day it happened, but am only bringing it up now because it's relevant to your question. We have nothing to prove. While it's certainly satisfying, and funny, to see the members cut Seungri out of past pics like TOP did in January, I don't believe in policing the BB members' access to their memories, especially something as frivolous as Instagram likes. All but the most militant of OT4 VIPs still periodically engage positively with old BB content involving five members -- yep, that includes KVIPs -- because we're not confusing past with present, and for those that find the past presence of the former fifth member especially unpleasant, well, it isn't difficult to tune out, overlook, or altogether ignore him and concentrate on the others. Retired guy aside, there's plenty about pre-2019 BIGBANG to like.

TLDR; I would strongly caution against turning GD's Instagram likes into statements. Let him be and let the guy have his memories now that the success of Still Life has shown it's safe to do so. From what I've seen, aside from you and maybe one other, OT4 VIPs are generally just pleased to see him interacting with fans and BIGBANG content again after years of what, to me at least, seemed like avoidance. We're not threatened by that; we're encouraged, happy to see him happy and free, and hopeful that it means more good things are in store for him and the group in the near future. "Happier times are coming."

#ask #anon #sorry if this is a little disorganized I'm just so tired of it all #bigbang and vips will never be free of the cult of seungri

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kithtaehyung · 2 years ago

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okay Ryen, work was a shitshow but I’m here now to give you my thoughts because I’ve been thinking about it all day (thanks for that btw lol)

First, I absolutely love how oc describes her prior encounters with Jin as her being the initiator because it made it that much better seeing him as the controlling hot mf this time around. I absolutely love this Jin he’s delicious

Second, fucking hell Yoongi is so goddamn sweet it’s tooth rotting. All of oc’s thoughts toward Jin and then she’s thrown by whatever she feels for yoongi. He’s too good… way too good

Third, oc is a straight goddess for this. My knees hurt just reading this. Give her a fuxking medal! Like no lie if I’m either jin or yoongi I’m literally giving that woman the world. The whole video thing at the end was cute too I love oc.

Fourth, the moments in the middle of all the action are so perfectly realistic and it’s a fantastic touch. Like yes oc is a straight up Queen but that lil break was so expertly sewn into the story. Well done because damn 👏🏼

Fifth, the Yoonjin interactions and conversations are such a mood. Like funny but destructively sexy. To be a fly on the wall during the conversations they had/have about oc 😍 god what that car ride home must’ve been like 🫠

Sixth, the ending text messages… fucking kill me please because that was just a curveball that had me unable to sleep for like an hour. (No pressure but if you wrote that I’d die 🥴)

Finally, you are a monster but like a monster that you love and cherish (like Jimin on stage). I’m so increasingly impressed by your work and by your dedication to everything you write. I know you’re still unsure about this one which is why I really wanted to come here and write this all out. (It’s much longer than intended sorry don’t hate me)

Also, congrats on that job you deserve it 👏🏼😘

-🦊

Oh my goodness, fox🥺🥺 I’m so sorry work was a shitshow.. that’s never ideal, or fun😔 but what the heeeeeck?? This is amazing commentary and encouragement you’re so wonderful!

YES like reader has been the one in control and the one to act first when it comes to hookups (which is hilarious because later they say they’re terrible at making the first move when it comes to like, feelings🥹 a true player istg) and then getting completely thrown off by yoongi.. it’s almost like yoongi’s feeling a little jealous seeing them👀

Reader is a baddie!!!!😩😩 we all know she knows and I would give her the world. If she steps on me I would say thank you<333 and the break was much needed holy hell. I would be exhausted by that point but what a fcking queen😭 yoonjin convos were one of my faves to write because.. they’re children LOL so petty!! Definitely roomies that are clearly good friends. The car ride home… who said they left reader’s apartment…..🤪

Idk if you saw the visuals for Hit;Play jihope (if it happens!!) but… yeah. I don’t even wanna begin to describe how filthy that would be🥴😈 to be compared to jimin on stage??😵‍💫 What a fcking honor holy shit! Thank you so much.. I really do love writing, and this was clearly self-indulgence but also hopefully fun for yall. You’re so kind for encouraging me bc yes I was still very unsure about it all of today. I’m starting to appreciate it, though, especially since you all have been so gd lovely.

#thank you so incredibly much!#🦊 anon #asks:hitrecord #hit;record #lovely people #*ryenfictalk #mailbox💌#long post

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atmilliways · 4 years ago

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I was channeling exhausted Charles a little hard, because gd is moving tiring... I know I have some messages I should really get to answering, and I promise that will happen soon.

Anyway, happy belated birthday, @insomniac-pens!

Charles is couch surfing against his will; Emeto mention; Implied/Referenced Drug Use; Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism; Early klok

C'mon, Charlie, Stay

There was, for a brief period, a time when Charles was between apartments due to an unfortunate infestation problem that had allowed him to break his lease early. It allowed him to lease a much better place, closer to both his office and the new band he was managing, but with one catch: it wouldn’t be available for him to move in for another six weeks.

To his surprise, once the band found out about this they flat out refused to leave him alone until he agreed to crash on their couch. No amount of pointing out that he had the money to just stay in a hotel until his move-in date seemed to sway them. So, he dutifully shelled out his hotel money to pay for Dethklok’s apartment to be professionally cleaned and the couch reupholstered, and that was that.

Except, dear god, when did these men sleep.

Charles tried to think of them as men, but frankly it got harder the longer he stayed with them. Murderface had only recently turned twenty-one, and Nathan and Toki were still technically underage; that didn’t stop them or Skwisgaar or Pickles from constantly partying themselves stupid.

In the very living room (which they also used for band practices) where he was trying to sleep.

The last straw was when they gave Toki shrooms for the first time and he puked all over the coffee table, including the glasses that Charles had carefully folded and placed there before settling in for the night. Without a word of complaint or reprimand, he was simply up and packed and dressed enough to drive to the nearest hotel, because this was clearly not working.

“Dood dood dood, where’re ya going?” Pickles gabbled, dragging on the manager’s arm as he tried to head out of the front door.

“To get a hotel room, a hot shower, and a good night’s sleep,” Charles replied, although personally he felt that this should have been obvious.

“But you can do all that here!”

Charles sighed, resettling his duffle bag on his shoulder. “Thank you, Pickles, but we both know it’s, ah, only a matter of time before I get vomited on, and cleaning my glasses off was unpleasant enough.”

As if on cue, there were more retching sounds from further inside the apartment, followed by shouts and whoops of “He got the couch,” “That’sch twenty points,” and “Directs hits, everiesones does to takes the drink-shots!”

Pickles grimaced. “Okay, so maybe the kid wasn’t ready for caps. That’s my bad, I’m sahrry. But dood, you should still stay. . . .” He trailed off, looking around with a kind of urgent disappointment that Charles had only previously seen when the drummer was trying to find a misplaced stash. Then, with an uncertain grin, he added, “You can, uh, you can stay in my room if ya want.”

“Ah. . . .” Charles blinked. He was very, very tired, and not entirely sure he’d heard that correctly. “I’m sorry, what?”

“It’s got a door’n everything,” Pickles continued, obviously warming to the idea as soon as he saw that Charles wasn’t rejecting it outright. “You can even have the bed, I can ride the floor. Which I can actually see again now, thanks again for hirin’ those cleaners, dood! And I think I can even find ya some clean sheets and stuff. C’mon, Charlie, stay.”

So, soon afterward, Charles found himself back in his pajamas. They were just the t-shirt and boxers that he’d thrown a jacket and slacks over to leave, really, which by his temporary housemates’ standards apparently made him a prude. He was also swaddled in clean sheets and blankets on Pickles’ bed, as promised, and Pickles had receded back out to the party with a vague, Sleep tight, dood. Despite the lumpiness of the mattress Charles was actually quite comfortable and, with the door closed and the lights off, fairly well insulated against the noise of the band’s continued revelry.

He was asleep within seconds.

Some time later Charles woke not to loud noise or something landing on him, but because he had to pee. Not bothering to find his glasses or slippers in the dark (though he was wearing socks; he wasn’t an animal), he slipped out of bed and shuffled towards the door—

His foot connected with something warm and soft, possibly a stomach, and someone groaned, “Oof.”

“Shit,” Charles muttered. He groped along the nearby wall for a light switch. “Ah . . . Pickles, is that you?”

The lights snapped on harsh and bright, and it was indeed Pickles curled up on the floor, red dreads spayed out like fireworks against the dingy carpet, without even a pillow or blanket. “Yeeeeeeah?” Pickles replied blearily, squinting up at him.

Charles sighed. The last thing they needed was Pickles unable to play gigs because he’d tweaked his back or neck sleeping on the floor—although, in the short time he’d known the man, Charles had seen him passed out in worse positions. Still, couldn’t be too careful while Dethklok was still starting out.

“Get in bed,” Charles told him.

“Nnnn.” Pickles rubbed clumsily at his eyes and swiped and the drool that had collected on his goatee. “You get the bed, couch’s fucked fer now. . . .”

It was only a twin-sized mattress. Charles squinted back at it, then gave a mental shrug. “We’ll share. Just get in, I’ll, ah, be right back.”

He stepped over Pickles and headed for the bathroom. Both the toilet and sink were splattered liberally with vomit, enough that he doubted it had all come out of Toki. He hadn’t smelled any on the man he’d just invited to bunk with him, which . . . was all Charles had the energy to care about, at the moment. He sighed again and just pissed in the bathtub, because fuck it, he was still half asleep.

When he returned, Pickles had already burrowed into the blankets in the dead center of the bed. Not in the mood to be deterred, Charles turned the light off and wedged himself into the available free space on the mattress.

“Mmmhey,” Pickles mumbled drowsily somewhere near his shoulder.

“Scoot over,” Charles grumbled back, and when he got no response gave another shove with his hip. That seemed to get the message across because Pickles did scoot, squirming over and turning into him, clinging to Charles’ arm.

“‘S cold over here,” Pickles offered in explanation. He was pressed close all along the other man’s side, mouth closer to his ear in the darkness; his breath smelled of whiskey, cigarettes, and reefer. “‘Mglad you stayed, Charlie. Hotels fuckin’ suck . . . this is better, isn’t it?”

“Hm,” Charles hummed. All he really wanted to do was settle in and go back to sleep—although the warmth of a body next to his was nice. The hint of smoke was nice too, despite it having been years since he’d given it up himself. Lulling. Like a steady surf washing over him, pulling back, washing over him again. His eyes drifted closed and he felt himself relax, sinking into the mattress as far as the uneven springs would allow.

Then, a warm press of lips against his, so soft and tentative that at first he thought it was a dream—he often dreamed that way, slipping from real to unreal so quickly the change was imperceptible. And if it was a dream, why not kiss back? Charles let his lips part, turning into it, that warmth, placidly enjoying the gentle scratch of facial hair against his own clean shaven face.

It was the arm suddenly draped over him that gave him pause. That felt real, a solid palm splayed as near to the small of his back as it could get while he still lay mostly flat. A body leaning flush into his, silently crying out for closeness. Pickles.

Pickles tasted like a shot of Fireball in a dim, crowded bar.

Charles blinked his eyes open, breaking the kiss with a hand on the man’s shoulder. A client. A boss, if the band ever made it as big as he was determined to ensure they would. This was a huge breach in his personal code of professionalism.

“Charlie?” Pickles whispered, and it sounded so much like a plea (I want you, I need you, please don’t stop) that Charles gave his shoulder what hopefully came across as a reassuring squeeze.

“Pickles,” he murmured gently, “you’re drunk. I’m, ah, not sure this is a good—”

“I’m always drunk,” Pickles interrupted, mumbling petulantly.

True enough. Charles just hoped the fame and fortune would kick in before lover failure, for all the guys. Boys, really, playing around with their music and drugs and anyone they could get into bed with them. . . . Case in point.

He just wished he wasn’t so damn tired. Or at least that he was awake enough to handle this situation with the delicacy it deserved, because he hesitated, and sensed instinctively that Pickles noticed.

Still, he said, “Regardless, I don’t, ah, think this is a good idea.”

“So? Make a bad decision fer once, gahd.” Then Pickles kissed him again, throwing a leg over his manager for good measure and crowding into him once more with an urgent but surprisingly slow rhythm.

Charles had only known Pickles for several months—personally, anyway, but he wasn’t about to admit to being a Snakes N Barrels fan back in the day now—and had seen his usual approach to getting into someone’s pants. It usually involved lots of smiling, suggestive looks, wandering hands, and friendly offers to share whatever drugs he had on hand at the time.

Not once had he turned those attempts at charm towards Charles. He’d been insistent, stubbornly helpful, and . . . nervous. Even now, there was a fluttery quality to his grip, as though he expected to be pushed away more than anything else. Charles wasn’t very good at reading this sort of thing, and was only catching up on all this in retrospect, but Pickles seemed to be acting as though this actually mattered or something.

And Charles was tired, and it felt nice. Warm and comfortable. Pickles was drunk; maybe he wouldn’t remember by morning.

He let himself kiss back, and by the time he fell asleep again it was with an uncharacteristic smile on his face.

#metalocalypse #pickles/charles #chuckles #chickles #my fanfiction #earlyklok #charles foster offdensen #pickles the drummer

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pendragaryen · 4 years ago

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The things that stay with us...

This was supposed to be my last BFSN-post while the show is still airing - the last BFSN-entry right before the series finale. But now it’s just... a FSN-post? Call it a Big-Hug-post. A Hug-Gratitude-post. Or whatever you prefer. Though in my heart Bellarke will ALWAYS be canon (and nothing can ever change that): They didn’t give it to us in the actual show (a show, whose narrative clearly told us otherwise all this time, but well.. whatever...). It’s too much honour to grace such a disappointing last season with a BFSN, dearies. (Or... even more so now? ;P ) So, call it what you like i guess! ;). Honestly, i didn’t want it to end.. just like that... without any last words to you, the kindest, most tolerant and beautiful minded fandom i’ve ever been (proudly!) a part of since 2016. (The selfie lies. It’s not current. I’m sorry, i can’t show you my face these days.. This is from the day just before it all went inevitably down with this season: BB’s death. So... enjoy: That smile’s for you, fam! ;) 2nd pic: The tattoo i got almost two years ago now, on Sept. 22nd 2018, and that never fails to remind me of my emotional support person and the fact, that after every “down” in life there will come an “up” again <3<3<3 )

What makes the whole experience of this last ever season of The 1OO for me so incredibly sad is.... Well, please bear with me if you will... My english STILL isn’t the very best... But i’m trying to put my feelings into words:

Last year, when we got the news that S7 would be the final season, i DREADED this moment. I was AFRAID of this last day (and the hours) before the actual finale. And why so? Bc I am a person, who’s an incredible loser when it comes to let go of the things i love so dearly. Like The 1OO. I... in times i was OBSESSED with it, with the story, with the chacracters and the way they’ve been written, so credible, so tangible in their actions, nothing was just bad or good and even the villains actions had been understandable to some extend. It was amazing! I felt with almost every character! I LOVED it. (And to be very clear here: I’ll never STOP loving The 100′s 6 seasons, that are still existing for me!)

But what i wanted to say is: I dreaded the moment when l would have to let it go. THat inevitable moment, when this show with all its storylines and characters, that have been a part of my life for the last years and that i love so dearly, really ends. Forever. It would end and i wouldn’t be ready to let go, bc it means the world to me. Bc it changed me in more than just one way - no, even better, bc it made me want to change myself! “To do better...” *ugly crying...* THis show SAVED me in a way and in a time, where i was in a very dark place in life, in a very dark mind space (constant illnesses, termination of my job due to these illnesses, an ugly lawsuit etc. pp) , this show and its actors, especially one Robert Alfred Morley (yes), who helped me to look at myself and my mental insecurities and illness from a whole new point of view. I wasn’t ashamed of myself anymore. I felt... relieved. Understood. I even felt kind of loved for what i am, even with my anxieties. (There may or may not come a point or even a person in everyones life, that helps to develop this new kind of view on themselves. And for me this person was and always will be Bob Morley. And whatever happens, i’ll always love him for his open- and kindness and be thankful for his inspiration. I still call myself lucky to have talked with him a couple of times. I treasure these moments. Always.)

So, i was AFRAID of this day, when this all would come to an end. I KNEW it would wreck me, i would be devestated, i would be so incredibly sad, that i won’t be able to put it into words.

And here i am now. I AM sad. I AM devestated. But for so very different reasons that i could never imagine in my wildest nightmares... This last season... Season 7--- no i won’t start again. Not AGAIN. But... just that: What they’ve been creating for us here... it really overshadowed my joy of watching this show throughout this last season, yes even BEFORE that horrible murder of my all time fave and comfort character. I take back whatever i said about S6 or even S5. THIS... S7 was the season, that didn’t feel like the show i fell in love with anymore. Though changes CAN be refreshing and exciting... these changes haven’t been that for me.

Look. The thing is: Even WITH Bob’s request for time off and everything... There would’ve been PLENTY options for the writers to actually make it all make kind of sense! THEY COULD’VE DONE IT BETTER! If they’d really wanted to, that is... And here’s the point: I think they didn’t WANT it. For whatever reasons, whatever happened bts, they decided to do it like they did. And no-one’s able to understand their choices or the characters anymore - those characters we used to know so well, these characters i felt with over the course of so many seasons - who i could understand! EVEN THE VILLAINS! And now... look at the thanks we got. I can’t understand shit anymore when it comes to S7. Bc nothing makes sense. When i see even the GREATEST meta-writers among us surrender in their posts - than it’s really sad times for this fandom...

It’s not even just about Bellarke anymore. Sure, i AM disappointed that they’re not canon now. But then they shouldn’t have arranged the whole story around these two! “The backbone of the whole story”!!! I am laughing. In that case S7 was SPINELESS! Let me tell you. Everyone’s just... flailing around... great little side storylines, but somehow... disconnected from each other and all over the place. That’s how it felt for me to watch this season. And i’m feeling so exhausted by now... I never stopped hoping... I always thought, at some point it would make sense. I’ve read all your great metas AND I WANTED TO BELIEVE! It made perfect sense! (I seriously felt like Fox Mulder from time to time this season... and the lack of sense in the storyline as well as the complete absence of my personal faves (yes i include Clarke (Eliza) here, bc heck, she was so sidelined this season too, self inflicted or not) - all these things had been the “UFO’s or aliens i was hoping to see” one day... Guess i was wrong.)

I’m babbling... Sorry. But it will be for the last time in that kind of form. Promise.

At the end of the day (at the end of all things.. sigh, Frodo... i see you... *blinks back tears*) I am so glad that you’re all here with me, in the same boat. That I’m not alone feeling this kind of lost and baited and betrayed. Bc whatever you like to call it: The narrative promised us otherwise. Did JRott OWE us canon Bellarke? NO. Of course not. But HIS STORY did. The story he’d been telling us for SIX GD YEARS! THAT is what makes me so mad. But most of the time (and despite the selfie above) i’m just sad. Sad and disappointed. I know it will pass one day. And that i’ll find joy in watching S1-4, even S5 except for a couple of scenes, and certain episodes of S6 again. But now is not the day. Even IF they’ll give these characters a “happy ending” in some transcended form or whatever, in the afterlife maybe,... S7 is ruined for me. It wasn’t even a bliss for me before, but it was certainly ruined after they killed “The Heart” - pointlessly (THIS is what will haunt me even years from now..).

Today is the day for saying goodbye. It aches my heart, that we’ll have to do it the way we have to now. But at least we are together. So let’s raise a glass in honour of all the hours of joy and excitement this show brought us over the years, maybe even the tears and laughter, let’s raise a glass for the outstanding performances of the cast and the great storylines some writers developed for us. I am thankful beyond words. Let’s raise a glass to this awesome, talented fandom! I’ve met and talked to dozens of you guys througout the years, and it had always been a pleasure! I hope we’ll stay in touch! <3<3<3 And last but not least: Let’s raise a glass for Kass Morgan. This is HER baby in more than just one way. Without her vision... there wouldn’t have been a show. Or even Bellarke. CANON Bellarke, that is! ;) And i LOVE it!

These are the things that stay with us, these are the things we will remember.

So, have fun with the finale tonight guys! Or should i say: Good luck? ;) I won’t watch now. I haven’t watched since 7x13, and i won’t start again tonight. Not even for the finale. BUT... i’ll probably do it some day in the future. I’m still kind of curious after all. And there are still some characters i want to know how it ends for them. It‘s just... i don’t want to support any ratings. I don’t want to support JRott anymore. But i’ll probably get back to it - if what y’all will write about it afterwards looks promising or not... ;)

See you on the other side!

(Tags under the cut)

Hugs and love to you, dear fam! Tagging @together-is-my-favourite-place @natassakar @geekyogicheese @immortalpramheda @carrieeve @bellamyblake @angelbellamy @burninghoneyatdusk @iwearplaids @wankadi @katersann @nvermindiseeyou @ruggedmurphy @clarkgriffon @poppykru @broashwhat @malclmbright @kizo2703 @cominguproses13x @clarkeindra @tenmonologues @shialablunt @sometimesrosy @zavens @wonderingwhyy @charmainediyoza @the-suns-also-rise @lee-em-dee @bellamynochillblake @junebugninja @songhyeri @underbellamy @talistheintrovert @jeanie205 @bellamys11thfreckle @doontpanic @clarkegriffinblake @goddess-clarke @eyessharpweaponshot @hostagetakerandhistraitor @infp-with-all-the-feelings @theatre-steph @historyofbellarke @as-inevitable-as-morning @bisexualbellamyblake @little-oxford-st @delicatebluebirdruins in no particular order (i am so sorry in advance, if i should’ve forgotten someone... >.<), and yes, i include you too @merlination my Danny, bc without you, i wouldn’t have started watching The 1OO in the first place... ;)

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bellamyblake · 4 years ago

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I dont wanna be mean but I Have been rewatching lately and I realized that Clarke's live is tragic it is but Bellamy's more Fucked up

in many ways i agree with this mostly because i’ve been thinking about it since he died a lot.

and yes i do think clarke’s life is very tragic but what i do think also happened to her is that the SL itself punished her unnicessarily especially in the last season, in ways that...if you count all of eliza’s scenes, about 80% of them are her crying and it honestly got very very exhausting. even to watch. as good as she is and she is great, it gets repetitive. she sells it but you start wondering gd why?? you become indifferent at some point to it all.

that aside, i do agree because of a few major points.

bellamy’s never had a happy childhood.

of course we don’t know what his life was like before O.ctavia was born. i like to think that maybe there was a glimpse of hope there. i think and hope too that bob wanted his filipino heritige respect though it never was but in my headcanon land he had a filipino dad who loved him dearly and who died tragically after which things went very wrong. but i believe he was loved dearly.

yet canon and the writers i think tried to instill the idea that aurora slept with random men so neither his nor o’s father are known. however i do believe aurora must’ve loved him a lot when he was born and i think he was a mama’s boy before O was born and everything concentrated solely on her.

so yes, he’s had a very unhappy childhood. a childhood marked by mostly FEAR and that is no way for a child to live and whilst Clarke has had a tragic life we have seen her past and we know she had a family-a dad and a mom, a father who loved her dearly, she was clearly a dada’s girl, the apple of his eye, he understood her, they were connected, which is why she sees him so often in memories or when she is in situations where she almost *dies*. and as complicated as her relationship with her mother is, it’s clear abby’s love for her is very strong even if their relationship was strained by Jake’s passing.

so clarke had a family, she lived in Alpha where we know conditions were better and she was best friend with the chancellor’s son. i’d say up to the point where her father died things were probably pretty rosy.

meanwhile bellamy became a parent more or less at the age of seven. a child was placed in his hands in the way a mother passes a newborn to her husband, and he becomes responsible for a life that technically-

is not allowed to exist.

just let that whole part sink in cause that’s the tragedy of him.

he lived in absolute fear of the worst happening. forced to become a guard so he could protect her, share rations with his forbidden sister so she could live and help his mother out.

then his worst fear happened.

because of HIMSELF!

the one moment he dared reach for happiness it was taken from him. and it killed his mom who he clearly loves very much and locked his sister who we know he loves beyond himself.

a year of absolutely lonliness, guilt-rideness and pain passes.

then he goes to earth and his sister who’s finally free decides to have a life of her own and split like every child does at some point, from her family. be free because she’s been locked up all her life and he’s left..confused?? doing irrational things, trying to control what he no longer can control.

trying to hold on to love.

because in all the pain and suffering he did have a family-his mom and his sister.

but now it’s gone.

then he grows to love and care for the 100. for clarke.

and he goes into a mountain to save them.

but instead ends up committing genocide.

meanwhile his sister runs off with a grounder (which...i have thoughts on o’s love life but i wont go there now).

and then he’s left alone by the one person he still had in his life. and let’s be real i love the blakes but they were never truly resolved. they came close to it in season 6 but it wasn’t truly done well. so i think it’s fair to say that from the moment he touches the ground, even though he does it for his sister-

he loses her.

and he only has clarke left.

but clarke leaves.

so he’s loveless, empty, broken and absolutely destroyed by the fact that he killed a mountain full of people some of whom were good and tried to save them.

he’s destroyed inside.

and then on and on-the pike manipulation, the massacre, more guilt, more pain. the death wave and a weightless loseless fight that bears no meaning but he tries he tries he goddamn tries

though he doesn’t know why, surely not for himself. for O? for clarke? for the others? for his people?

what is there left for him to do.

aurora blake raised no suiciders. no losers. he can’t kill himself as much as death seems alluring.

what i find the saddest is that he has no real love in his life. yes he has clarke and yes we know they were written as romantic but it was never canon canon so he doesn’t have this great epic love story that all the other characters have-clarke with L, o with Lincoln, raven with f/nn, jasper with maya, monty with harper, lastly john with emori which i think was the best written one.

and that is the tragedy indeed.

because he IS the character who is the MOST heart even at his *head*-est and yet he is denied love. he’s denied a great love story (again bellarke-aside here). he is DENIED his heart being loved the way it loves, he is denied the gentleness of a soft, kind, filled with extremes-ups and downs, or even challenges, love.

he’s denied it.

the heart is denied love.

i don’t count e/cho. im sorry but that just as clarke killing him was done purely out of spite. there was no real love there, no emotion, no romance. it was a time jump relationship just like his one with gina. he’s REFUSED a great love story.

he has it with clarke. but he’s denied actually going there too.

i find it sad because love spills out of him in waves, all of himself he gives out, all of his softness kindness, even his flaws, he lets out in the open and says this is me, i am not ashamed of myself. i may hate myself but i love.

and there’s no one to love him back.

and then in the end of course im saddest because we’ve seen the craziest shit on earth and he’s still denied understanding from his friends. but i wont go there because it hurts too much.

so yes clarke lost a lot. she lost L and she lost madi in a way and she lost her dad and her mom. but she’s had happiness in her life, she’s had a family, she’s had great love, she’s even had the cutesy teenage drama romance with f/nn and then a good love and then yes death and pain. she is separated from her friends, she is punished unnecessarily like he is too.

but she’s known it.

and she’s known the peace from those 6 years on earth. peace he craved and strived towards in the end. she’s had that with madi. whilst he’s spent that punishing himself over leaving her behind and once again trying to keep their people together in her abscence to honor her.

i’m sure he’s had happy moments. maybe glimpses. like bob said, glimpses of peace. maybe he’s had glimpses of happiness too. when he was baby boy and his mom picked him from his crib or his dad carried him arround or when he carried O around and talked to her. or when he was hugged by clarke.

but he should’ve had more.

he deserved more.

#bellamy blake #the 100 #bellamy blake meta #the 100 meta #bellarke #clarke griffin #answered #sorry #Anonymous

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taylor511040 · 3 years ago

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Happy Friday Everyone! I have some news to tell ya... 😐

Well, here's the thing...:

When I came home from school, well, I was crying! Why? Because, I had to go over to my dad's house this weekend! Did I wanna go? Nope, not at all! So, my Mom called my Dad to tell him the news. I was just crying even harder. My Dad was yelling at my Mom for letting me stay home! Really? Dad, your gonna need to understand that I need a break from ya- So, he talked to me but I couldn't take it anymore! I handed the phone back to my mom. I just sat there crying until she hanged up. She said she wasn't gonna force me to come over if I didn't want to. She she let me to stay home. And once Jessica got here, I just went to say hi. Well, when I left. Jessica was being rude, yelling at my Mom acussing me of depression! I'm not depressed! I'm just exhausted, mind your own business! And then she said she wasted money- Great- Well, now I'm still crying! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! 😭😔

Sorry for such the bad news...

But here's the good news! 😁:

School went awesome today! There was a parade and everything! They even were handing out candy! Finally! I also played a few Kahoot's. And of course I won at least once. I got second and third place once as also! I was good until the Dad's House thing... You know that!

At least there was one good part of the day! I'll update you tommorow I spouse! I love you all very much! Bye!

*Sighs, Exhausted And Upset*

@gds-ask-fnaftale @glitterdragonthegreatprotector @lizzythetechnotroll7 @lizzythetechnotroll @jade-green-butterfly

#exhausted #im crying #tw depressing stuff #good day I guess?#acussed #average day today at school #happy friday

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fbdo1986 · 4 years ago

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It’s enough to be whiplash - A Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Fic

a/n: To put it plainly, I took a few tricks from John Hughes’s earlier scripts of the film, which were more surreal and up-front with discussing death and end of the world scenarios. It was inspired by a concept that I couldn’t seem to shake after I thought of it: what if the pool scene was just a bit more high stakes?

Warnings: Death Mention (there is no character death), Drowning

Word Count: 2,621

None of them are prepared for the sudden shock into their skin that comes after their visions blur with blue, how their ears ring after the slick slap of flesh obviously colliding with water, or the registration of Cameron’s body, sunken, not writhing to be rescued in the pool below him.

Sloane screams. She can’t help it. She screams because he doesn’t. Time morphs in the same way the water does, how what once was peaceful becomes ominous. How the water barely reacts to the fact that there is a body sinking below, paying no mind to the grim way in which it enters and doesn’t come back up. Calm and gentle and crystal clear blue, reflecting the shimmering sun. And it’s still a sweet, uninterrupted summer day. No one would suspect the touch-and-go situation they find themselves in, not today. Yet the fact that something is wrong is the only thing that shivers through Sloane’s body.

It’s one of the times when the body heads straight into action, you don’t even hesitate. Ferris dives in headfirst, becoming just another body underneath the water's surface. It swallows him completely. He finds Cameron in there, trying with all his efforts to bring them both up for air as soon as possible. Hooks his arms around Cameron’s torso and pulls—it’s so difficult to grab hold of someone taller than you are—breaking free from the heavy tension of the water and dragging him to the edge of the pool. He lays motionless, his body is limp and waterlogged.

Cameron’s not breathing.

In the same moment as when his heart drops twelve stories Ferris is screaming out his name. Hitting Cam’s face rapidly, calling out again and again as Sloane watches in horror. Nothing is happening and the world shifts, now a nightmare with an unresponsive body that looks suspiciously like his best friend.

“Cameron, please!” Sloane pleads. If she didn’t know better, if her body weren’t already soaked, maybe the wetness clinging to her skin would be tears on her face. She doesn’t know where to put her hands, to clutch at herself or at him, because that wouldn’t make a difference, would it?

“Come on Cam. You can do this. Please.” He’s shaking Cameron now. Nothing.

Again and again, over and over. Time slows for Ferris now, in an unsuspecting way, and the heart that rams against his ribs quickens, chasing a reaction that doesn’t come. Maybe, it justifies that the two of them could switch heartbeats. If only he could slow down and Cameron would speed back up. Reality slams into him with a force that knocks out all the air from his lungs. Who gives a damn about the car? Who gives a shit about anything, anything outside of the rapidly suffocating universe that is spinning out of control? How could anything, anything at all, exist outside of this? He wants it all to be a dream. Nearly squeezes his eyes shut so tightly that it hurts as a haphazard, desperate prayer leaks from his lips. “Dear lord, please. Not now. Not him.”

He snaps back into action, lit with a flame that sets his skin ablaze and makes his hands shake. Asking with his whole body as he turns to Sloane again. Her gaze is equally so petrified. She’s asking for help. Asking for absolutely anything.

He doesn’t let his voice waver. “Put your hands on his chest.”

Why did it have to come to this? The world’s always been unfair, especially to the boy whose house is like a museum, whose understanding of familial love is warped and hazy, the boy who’s never been kissed. Not just the boy who he met in fifth grade and decided that they were going to be friends forever just because, the one he chose. The one that’s his best friend because no one else deserves the title, because nobody even comes close. The one that listens to him day in and day out, who only gets angry with a smile on his face, who trusts him enough to tell him all of his secrets, who would give up half his day just to make sure that Ferris doesn’t fail another chemistry test, who would face the things that terrify him just to please him. It’s not justified. It’s worse than that, it’s impossible. He wouldn’t dare think of it, not even for a second… but he would put up such a fight that there would be no choice but for someone to listen, for someone to swap their places.

Another action without hesitation, even when the situation reveals that they’re just two terrified teenagers with a life in their hands that doesn’t deserve to be there. They jump into a rhythm, one that they do with frantic security because there’s no other option.

He watches Sloane begin to give Cameron chest compressions, and it’s the kind of thing that puts the entire world into perspective with a sickening flourish. He looks away because he can’t stomach the sight. He closes his eyes again and finds somewhere deep inside him a way to breathe, past his lodged throat and chest constricted in fear so tightly he barely remembers what it’s like not to be enveloped in dread.

And when Ferris catches the new droplets of water that soak into Cameron’s shirt and hears the hiccup of a sob from next to him his heart lurches. He’s loaded with precious words of futile prayers; ready to whisper them along with the air that he forces into Cameron’s lungs. But he doubts that ‘Please’ is a prayer enough, but it has to be. It has to be enough because anything, anything, should be enough. The way his heart aches should be enough, the heft of Sloane’s cries should be enough, the fact that it’s Cameron—sweet, lovable Cameron who has always been enough, someone they cannot live without—the way that the world would crumble without him, it should all be enough.

“Thirty.” Her voice is weak, shuddering out the word. Ferris turns back to her because he doesn’t have a choice. She looks just like he feels. So panicked and entirely powerless. But he manages a breath, and stabilizes Cameron’s head before blowing air into his lungs.

They count again, and Ferris is the one to try. Tries because he doesn’t want Sloane to exhaust herself, and because he needs to busy himself while he waits out the agonizing seconds between one and thirty. Because he can’t be the one to stare as Cameron’s body is forced to accept a new heartbeat. And how it won’t. Ferris offers him a new breath of air. Tilts his chin and touches his cold, unresponsive lips and blows some air in.

“Gd, Fer. It’s not working.” Her voice pools with desperation, snapping her gaze back to his.

“Please. I need you to try. Please.” He’s gripping Cameron’s shoulders tight. Ferris chokes, tearing now because even in the depths of this, Cameron is not this stubborn. Cameron would not be this stubborn.

A brief flash of something he doesn’t say. ‘You can’t do this. Not before I get the chance to tell you I love you.’

It hurts until it doesn’t. Because he’s hovering over Cameron’s lips and he feels something resembling a breath graze his cheek. There’s a moment and then he’s choking, coughing, gasping.

It’s terrifying to watch someone flounder for air.

It’s wonderful.

The water exits from his lungs. There’s a shudder of breath, and then the steady up and down of his chest circulating air. In and out. Breathing.

The joy that floods them, scrambled with disbelief jolts them with a force they’ve never felt. Sloane registers this and then breaks into unrestrained sobbing. It’s not easy, the change that happens way too quickly; to deal with the certain doom of moments before and now the euphoric opposite. It’s frightening, to think you’ve lost someone and then there they are; you won’t accept that something so wonderful is possible after so much pain. There’s the slam of the brakes but everything is fine. You breathe. You sit back up and you breathe.

“Oh, fuck.” Cameron’s voice is a whisper, weaker than they’ve ever heard it, but it’s enough.

Their eyes fill with light. Fond, unbridled light that will never leave. They smile their watery smiles, caught between laughter and tears.

They want to touch him, to launch themselves into his arms and never let go, to ensure that he will never suffer again. Sloane brushes his hair from his forehead, cupping his face with her hands. She hiccups again but her voice is so loving. “Cameron. Oh, Cam.” She wants to kiss him. Press some warmth back into him. Technically, Ferris already has. Her tears fall onto his face and she warmly wipes them away.

“Are you alright? Cameron. Please. Are you alright?” Ferris scrambles, exchanging a look with Sloane briefly.

“I’m… okay.” His words are slow and heavy.

“Come on. Here, come on.” Ferris heaves him from behind. They get him sitting. Maybe that’s better.

Sloane gets up slowly, eyeing Ferris. He gives her a sturdy nod and she heads inside. When she returns she has multiple towels in her arms. She hands Ferris the largest one to wrap around Cameron’s shoulders. It’s yellow, like the color of his kitchen. Ferris is rubbing Cameron’s back slowly, comforting him. Stabilizing himself, too. The world has a hard time settling back into normalcy.

“Any better?” Sloane offers cautiously. Her voice is raw as she tries to shroud it with light. From all the screaming. She sits next to him easily.

Cameron doesn’t reply right away. “... You saved my life.” He stares out at the warm afternoon splayed in front of them.

They don’t say anything. They just sit, Sloane’s arm falling over Cameron’s shoulder, Ferris’s arm is around his back. For a while, in the silence. Give the world time to trickle back down. Sloane lets a quiet sob exit her lips, part of the hurt lingers. They don’t say a thing. Cameron leans his head on her shoulder. Her eyes are red and sting as she forces herself to look into the distance. They watch the sun dance on the water’s surface. The trees shiver, every so often, with a particularly hefty breeze. The leaves shake and their heartbeats slow.

After many minutes spent like this, in the strange, warped calm, the uncertain voice of Sloane’s tries to be brave. “My mom will drive you to the hospital.” She centers on the trees and breathes in and out. If she focuses hard enough on the breath, she will stop remembering that she watched… she can’t do it. That her hands brought someone back to life. Someone whose breath is her ears, someone who she loves. Loves, so certainly.

More moments pass by. Finally, Cameron asks them something. “Are you guys okay?”

“Cameron, please.” Her eyes find his own and ask him to for once, center himself in his life. He has done everything to deserve it. Especially now. “Just let us take care of you, okay?” Her hands tangle in her hair restlessly as she presses her shoulder into his side. She can’t bear to answer his question, either. She turns away from him again, because it stings, because he was so close to being unsavable, and yet he chooses to focus on them. It’s the one thing she can’t stand about him. She flickers with the sinking feeling that they have faltered, never reinforced enough that he has earned—as if you have to earn it—the right to place himself where he places them, that he deserves attention, concern, unconditional love. It’s infuriating, because someone this wonderful shouldn’t have to relearn how to put himself first. But at least they could’ve told him.

“But you’re not. I can tell.”

“I mean,” Ferris scoffs, running a hand along his face as he tries to find the words. “having to bring your best friend back to life isn’t exactly all peaches and cream. No way.” He falters, hunching forward. Droplets of water decorate his skin. “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. I don’t know why I’m getting angry. Jesus, I should be… I don’t know. I’m just sorry, Cam.”

“Why?” He looks at him honestly. “You just saved my life and you’re sorry. Where on Earth are we?” He chuckles, and it lessens the load of their hearts just a little.

But Sloane completely understands what Ferris means. They don’t even need to exchange a knowing glance like they always do, because the thought just wrapped itself around her mind.

“All I’m saying is that it would be just my luck to die and somehow fuck up that process and end up in an alternate dimension where everything is just slightly different.”

“Cameron, don’t you dare.” Sloane scolds him, becoming the sternest he thinks she’s ever been. Her eyes are locked on him and her jaw is set.

“What?” He laughs, because somehow, it’s hard to picture her looking at him like this.

“Don’t… say that! Or just, don’t joke about it.” He can hear what her eyes say. The way they ache to lighten up, to complete her sentence with something softer. She’s never been good at staying angry.

“Then don’t be sorry. Whatever’s happening, whatever you’re thinking, stop. I’m okay. We’re okay.”

Maybe it’s just foolishness, just the two of them begging for any sense of relief they can get, but the way he says it convinces them. If he is okay, so are they. It’s a chain reaction, one after the other. Or maybe all at once.

Instinctively, they sigh in tandem. Letting the air in their lungs sink into the concrete and bob back up again. They can pretend, pretend it all means nothing. Or just not say that it means everything. Maybe it doesn’t. Who knows anymore. The world was just turned on its head. They have no choice but to afford confusion.

“Do you have something to tell me?” The bodies against his own freeze. All the warmth that was in them has been sucked out. “I mean, just. Y'know, after everything.” He gestures languidly.

“You’re saying that our sudden recognition of life and death makes us more aware of the futility of secret keeping? Huh, never would’ve guessed that.” There’s a warmth flooding back into Ferris’s eyes as he jokes. He continues the dramatics, rolling his eyes.

Cameron matches the energy of his tone. “I’m just saying.” Two can play the nonchalant game. And they know that he can tell that there’s something off. Aside from basically everything. But whatever. Even by the new baseline of things that are somehow now plausible, they feel strange and far away.

“So what? Nothing?” He looks between the two of them.

“Nuh-uh.” Ferris slips out absentmindedly, as though he’s a stubborn little kid.

“But we’re… never mind. My brain’s still foggy, I guess.” Cameron pushes strands of wet hair away from his face.

“That we’re touching? Is that it?” Ferris asks. No response. They don’t look at each other.

“Do you mind?” He tries again.

A smile that he tries to bite back lights up Cameron’s face. He shakes his head.

“Okay then.” Ferris takes his hand away from his back and shifts, slipping his palm against Cameron’s.

Cameron doesn’t pull away.

Instead, he pulls out a trick they haven’t used in years. He taps out the phrase ‘I love you’ in morse code on Ferris’s skin. He pulls the two of them closer, as if that were possible. Sloane presses a kiss into Cameron’s temple.

They’ll talk about it later. Right now, they just exist together, tangled in the silence. That’s always been enough.

#also i kinda wanted to add in cam's jewishness given that there is like. mention of praying and stuff and like. i dont really think sloane #or fer are that religious i just wanted to make it a thing since yknow. desperate times call for desperate measures but i kinda thought the #better of it #anyway sorry if thats like? weird? i just thought it seemed fitting that they Would be praying in this scenario. i feel like most christians #would?? idk im jew it just felt right to me even for a person who isnt that religious #anyway i really!!! really hope you like the ending. it gives me the biggest bitersweetness and a sense of friendship and just. such #unconditional love #ALSO THEY EVENTUALLY GO TO THE HOSPITAL I SWEAR #anyway! yay!#ferris bueller's day off #ferris bueller's day off fanfiction #ferris bueller's day off fanfic #cameron frye #sloane peterson #ferris bueller #ot3: i'm gonna miss you guys next year

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anyu-blue · 4 years ago

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I know a big part of it is the sleep deprivation.. again.. but I'm hella depressed.

Like overall I'm.. content? I guess? I have job. = Good. I have place to live. = Good. I have my game(s) I can play anytime I have time/want. = Good. I have appointments to try and get feeling better and keep trying and keep trying when I don't. = Good. I have Kizzy and will probably have him for at least 3 more years, if not longer. = Good. I have contingency plans in place for paying for my surgeries. = Good.

I've got a lot of good right now. And it's not that I'm ungrateful. I am EXTREMELY grateful. Considering my issues I've done extremely well. Even if some of it was on accident.

It's just.. well.. I'm tired, of course. Not sleeping well or much for days on end sucks. Especially because I could have, but people are going to keep living their lives and accidentally waking/keeping me up because they just don't think about my situation 24/7. Or even know it. Or consider it. Because life's too short for that according to, like everyone but me.

I'm sick of course. I've definitely tried the 'I'm doing great/not sick!!' mindset.. and it doesn't work.. cuz stuff HURTS. I don't have the energy to keep pretending either... And I don't think there was really a time I wasn't sick. Not in my whole life.. and It feels impossible to have any hope I'll ever not be physically sick... No matter what or how hard I try. Especially because I'm aging as all people do. Especially being forced to constantly check what I eat because if I don't I can hurt myself/make myself even more sick. Or starve, which hurts me too but is better than the alternatives. Especially being I have to rely on a healthcare system that looks down on what I can afford. Especially because what I can afford is so little. Especially because of our healthcare system being so politically charged people like me with the needs I have (even just replacing bones!!! Hello?! Our STUPID society forgets teeth are BONES and NECESSARY ones at that- but the instant you say teeth people literally don't give two shits, think you're just vain, and 100% brush you off. Even doctors.. and I have cried so hard over this stupid stuff and tried to rally and I'm STILL trying to save my own god damn life. I hate saying that's what I'm doing because I have some of that stupidity in me of thinking vanity... But I'm literally trying to save my forsaken life and be a LOT less miserable, and I feel so hopeless because only the little people who get it actually seem to want to help/be able to push aside that vanity thought and it hurts so badly to ask them to squeeze for me-- thank you if you're reading this and you've reblogged/shared my post. And I cannot thank you enough, and feel I owe you so much if you've donated... Every tiny bit helps. You and I are little people in the sense we don't exactly have $10,000+ to just throw around an have no worries about lol)

I'm.. also lonely? I guess? .. it's probably the best way to describe it. I don't like people all over me. Or really messaging constantly because moods change and People have lives.. but I miss... I want... Stress free interactions. Getting to spend time and go and do things. Not being alone all the time or missing out on everything. Time is meaningless pretty much right now in the sense I've missed all the holidays. 100%. No time spent celebrating or using the time or even seeing people. Im so much a damn adult and yet I still feel like crying whenever my siblings/cousins talk about last halloween because they had so much fun... They spent the day together in matching costumes by themselves at a park. And that's it... I was delirious from sleep deprivation when I saw them for the 5 minutes I did.. and stress because of my ex being the bastard he is to me. And work. So I couldn't join them. And it doesn't bother them in the least. It's such a happy memory for them and I am struggling to let go of the envy. They have so many days they spend together too.. remotely mostly, but they have so much fun. They wake me up alot with their calls.. and get pissed when I'm like hey guys I'm sorry but could you tone it down? I honestly stopped asking lately because they get so pissed and have even been like 'It wasn't me at all!!' even when I can quote what they said back to them and try to find anything and anyone else to blame... My little sister especially is CONSISTENTLY Telling me she has no idea what she even just said so I know it's bullshit it's not her.... And it just hurts. I try so hard. I drug myself to fall asleep almost every single workday now and I hate it. It's not good for you I feel. Says non habit forming but I just. Uck. And I have familiar, soft sound on. And I've shut my cat out. And I've consistently changed my bedding and cleaned and worn masks/covered my eyes, and done everything I can think of to try and make sure I'm going to sleep as long as possible. I don't go to bed and wake up early in the evenings to cook or spend time with them anymore because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I don't stay up to see my sisters during the day anymore. Because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I turn everything off (besides what I hope will help with the noise) at noon and try to lay down as soon after noon as I can every day. Anything blue gets covered or turned off. Everything has red light filters too to get rid of the blue.. but I can't seem to get more than a few jagged hours any given day unless it happens to be their early days where they take naps or I end up so exhausted I'm passed out at night when I should be awake so my shifts aren't so hard... So all that adds up to my being alone and lonely as my own damn fault. Because obviously I stopped making the efforts... The thing that hurts most about that is I was the only one making ANY effort at all to include myself in people's lives (still rings true for everyone in my own city at least- family, friends, the works).. and when I HAD to stop and told them why and asked if they'd be willing to meet me sometimes when it was hard for them (even like once a month fully planned out if need be, or spontaneous because I'm NOT picky)... I got yesses. I did. But. Do you think it ever once happened besides the very day we talked about it?

No.

I can and have gone through every single message and note I have (my memory isn't what it was after I got as sick as I did last fall so I try to keep track of everything instead of relying on my memory anymore)... The only person who even slightly tried was only doing so because he wanted every gd opportunity to beg me to sleep with him (pretty much- he wasn't subtle).. and I had to cut him out because he's not a good person in his own right, sadly. Which left me entirely alone in many ways. Which leaves me entirely alone unless I reach out first and sacrifice sleep.

The continuance of this unfortunately has contributed to my depression.. and the fact no one wants to be around cuz I'm a bummer. And the sleep issues have caused irritability I try so hard to control, but at certain stages I just lose my filters and don't want to say stuff or ramble but I also don't want to miss the opportunity with the person (usually one of my sisters) so stuff gets awkward and they don't like being around THAT. And I don't blame them. But I'd do?

Ugh... I know night shift is my fault... And is a major part of the problem... But I work it to avoid People who don't care about me and mine. To keep myself safe. To keep myself from having panic attacks. I'm doing a lot better with them... But I was breaking down so often at or about work it was getting out of hand... With night shift I'm not overwhelmed like that and I don't have to worry do much about my poor mind losing its sharpness as much. I can take my time more or less. And I get paid enough to survive. ....

I'm just depressed and I know it's on me but I wish I had more help than I do..

Wishing is also the problem. Instead of being happy with what I have.

Blargh...

#personal #random #ignore me #life in general #trigger warnings apply #rambling

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