#why did I say the same word three times the aki is really rotting my fucking brain and you can clearly tell

[meownotgood]

did u lick the aki card

I DON'T HAVE IT YET BUT DON'T WORRY WHEN I'VE GOT IT IN MY HANDS I'LL BE GIVING IT A NICE GOOD LICK!

[bounnostra]

forget me not O evie O endgame O r.e: basically everyone

"Do you remember anything from back then?" "Not really. You know. Can't say I marked toddler memories as being particularly useful apart from remembering easier times."  "All you did was laugh. Thought you would've been screaming, the state of you. Your parent's hearts were breaking seeing you that injured. But every test they did, all you did was laugh."

Would that it were so easy now. 

(But she wouldn't have wanted that anyway, would she?)

“Why are you acting like- like we had a say in this?”

It didn’t take long at all for Evie to be jarred out of whatever detached state her mind had been floating into, not with such directed words from Myra. Even though the most that had registered thus far was a sharp blink towards just how fast the response had come, something lit up in her tired eyes all too quickly to hit the ball back.

“I never said mine was a noble goal. Never said this was anything outside of... me desperately trying to make some kind of. Stupid independent decision in the area available, in the heat of the moment. I'm a twenty three year old desperately trying to act for myself. I dunno how to big myself up on that one. And I accept that I’ve... worked with a few wrong suggestions that came up to get here. Call it what you want, but. We were just... collateral, essentially. From the third cycle. Leave, get Gambit-fied, or do this again. You’re acting like we built this hotel and kidnapped all of you ourselves, not just... that we all but stumbled into doing this again last time. As if- as if whether we won or not would stop all of this being reset again. If we lost here, I’m pretty sure Gamb would’ve just executed me and let you continue until a gang or killer win as usual. We were the only outliers. No matter what.” 

Despite her response, it was Finlay that was the first to earn a direct look from Evie: one that matched their own tiredness yet somehow, at least not just yet, didn’t shoot right through them. Quite the opposite, in fact- the look one might give someone they hadn’t seen in years while knowing the other didn’t recall them at all. 

“...When have I ever been more forgiving to my character over anyone else?”

(The extra proof Finlay might have needed was right there on her tongue, that she couldn’t do anything but leave them to rot and be rewound- the memory of a fate that didn’t exist for them anymore, some alternate route of their existence- but the lethal sparks seen behind closed eyes were enough to discourage dwelling on that.)

“How would you have taken it, Finlay. Being offered the chance for any wish you can imagine, up to reviving someone. Do you want to say you wouldn't have at least thought about it, in a moment of proof where it doesn't seem like anyone outside your win is their own agent..? After months of a cycle I can’t even start describing. Five minutes out of watching everyone else left get executed. Couple of hours after your gang... committed arson, let’s say. Gamb’s in a human form, for fuck’s sake. It's no excuse, but. To learn that this would all just repeat again- that we could play again and even those we’d seen literally reduced to ash would be wound right back. Would you feel like you could combat much in that position..? All... all I felt I had control of then was maybe, just maybe, tackling something that... had screwed over my whole life, pretty much. Keeping me under constant lock and key by my own family, companies trying to steal what I have to fuck up others, my own- stupid body that won't let me live my own life. It’s not... gun or magic owl to head. I don’t know how to describe this life to you. Maybe if I was content being pushed around by someone else forever, but...”

A tired smile spread across her face. Perhaps ‘smile’ was a generous term, though; it was even more a ghost of the look than normal.

“...But I’m also pretty shit, so. Maybe you shouldn’t answer those questions. You were content enough with yourself, Finlay, right..? You... don’t feel like you don’t. Exist in this world at all. Because I don’t feel any of the space I’m taking up. I'm not doing anything here, whereas you...” 

(This whole time her fingers had been trying to drum, drum, drum themselves off her side as best they could as ever- some kind of constant reminder-)

Duck was a surprising turn after that - or, depending on how you viewed her and Scourge’s opposition, completely expected - and it wasn’t something Evie had wanted to do, but her lips started to form a ‘thank you’ regardless, off the back of the question of a Don’s presence.

But then Ana began right after, and Evie was reminded that she was a complete idiot. 

(If she’d known how it might turn out, would she have pretended to be asleep when Simone first came to gossip with her about the seance? Would she have pushed away the flash of memory of the same knock coming from what was now Kaga’s door? Should she have just kept it strictly business like around the subject of the Don: some kind of tense gang alliance with no need for friendship?) 

(Perhaps the tired Evie bidding goodbye to the rest of Clubs might have thought as much. But the Evie out the other end, feathers and talons and deception, found herself unwilling to wish away the knife twisting in her heart that was formed of all the other interactions.) 

(How selfish.) 

“...Thank you. For standing up to me. It... if you’d just rolled over on this, I...” 

One hand idly started tugging at her new (old?) braid as Evie did her best to reroute the conversation tracks to Simone, the ends of her gloves sticking in the hair and tugging. She didn’t notice, of course. 

“It’s... it’s fine. That you don’t care. Didn’t expect you to, just... I dunno. ‘Felt right that you knew what this was for’ sounds cheap, but. It’s the only way I can... think to say it. I’m not expecting you to just fucking clap for us now, and I... I don’t think I’d exactly. Want you to, either. I just- I didn’t know what else to do. Could I have just taken this role and done nothing? Maybe, yeah. But... but Gamb has a purpose to how he provokes us, and... and if we did nothing. If I caused us to throw this all away in shrinking back from something again. That was... a chance for two more people to be outside this loop gone, wasn’t it? It’s not- okay. Can’t deny it’s something I did, but. It’s... far from something I wanted to do to you.”

Tug, tug, tug. 

“...Every lie I’ve ever said that was about- was about winning this final trial. Every piece of particular bullshit I’ve pulled or asked Sute to do. All of that lying... was about the game itself only. That’s all I’ve ever lied on. I swear.”

Perhaps it was Simone that had pushed her emotions to the cliff edge: the stacking of responses that just builds and builds until something completely unrelated yet inconvenient happens and you’re on the kitchen floor crying over spilt milk. The accidental nudge was to come from Kaga, it seemed- where Evie’s look had been previously struggling towards Simone, his words towards a completely unrelated party couldn’t help but push Evie to spitting out something from a pool of knowledge she’d long shut off. 

“...Y-you found each other before, you know. You and Mathilde. Last time. I... I dunno. Maybe I was just missing the obvious, but. Two times in a row at least can’t be bad odds, right..? If I’m. Put in some kind of... gang helper position after this. I dunno if you’ll believe me if I tell you that, so. Maybe it can... sink in. If I do it now.” 

Embarrassment sunk onto her face at the intrusion almost immediately, but she waited to catch either of their eyes afterwards. For better or worse, Grisha was an instant distraction- and even though Sute was a welcome interjection, one greeted with a weary but warming mouthing of ‘it’s fine’ from behind that sword, she couldn’t help but ask anyway:

"When did I ever say I hated you, Grisha?"

(Well, maybe she'd cussed him out a few times when Aki and Nisha had stumbled back from 'a very simple kill' they had to do twice, but-) 

"I don't like it. I don't like any of it. I know you don't want to hear about about sorry we are or whatever, and I imagine I'd be taking the piss too, but- the rest of Clubs, they chose to leave, and now they're sitting across from us. Which I had no idea about until we wandered into Mothman in our gang den. Don't... think we're going anywhere. Apart from being another pair outside of this system with a bit more space to move. We've... we've won twice now. For Gamb to keep us in the system after that would make him even more a hypocrite. Maybe he'll turn me into a horse like Aki for you all to interrogate. But... you don’t want to hear it. But I’ve never... hated you. Any of you. I lied about the source of those tears, I admit, but... but the source of it...”

Her voice was getting quieter. But Evie pushed herself to answer Rita, digging within herself only to find an answer that was becoming very worn already. 

“...I didn’t know what else to do. I’m... awful at acting for myself. No matter how independent I want to say I’m becoming. Twenty odd years don’t break so easily, as it turns out.”