#why are you so longwinded Riven

[gwimulchorom]

刹那の間に　痛みに似た恋が体を走ったんだ

"I am apparently now headed to the Growling Groghouse. It seems Durnan had suspicions and has now vanished within its midst, and I suppose the man's obsessions has finally spelt the end of him. Though, his friend seems to have something up his sleeve- I worry for this man's plan, considering how improbable it seems all things considered. I am unenthused and now very worried for this improbable course of events. Apparently losing in bowling incurs such an incredible penalty. We will see what occurs next."

“Time ticks past all of us, but it will always, inevitably speak for us. If I must spend a year and a day in this bowling alley in a stuffy disguise, so be it, but I know I am not alone. As erratic and strange the mage is, I do feel pity for the man for his need for so many people around him in a feeble attempt to feel included in a community, even despite the fact that he apparently owns the alley and beyond this place. It does make me slightly introspective though, being forced to interact once more with faceless, featureless beings that serve no value in my existence. 

It was always the same- my soldiers were but faceless, featureless cannon fodder I pushed out into the battlefield to die for my own selfish purposes. Working in this alley, with nary a notion of the identities of others and their powers has always been an experience. I would know how it would be like to be forced in a role I disliked, even the job I had held down before was one that I had never wanted to be a part of. Surprisingly, outside the prying eyes of the gods above, I felt free in this premise, working to earn my own keep and letting time pass as per normal than rushing an ultimatum I knew would never come for me. 

There was, of course, minor joy in finding one of our own eager to yield the benefits of the rewards he had received. Occasionally, he would ring a bell of his he had and several other slaves had to drop whatever they had on their hands to start an impromptu performance, compelled by the noise the bell made to entertain him. It at least meant some of us could continue while accompanied by beautiful music, much to the chagrin of those forced to perform. Of course, the mage that owned this place was definitely much more pleased by this development and knowledge of his item than anyone else in the alley would ever feel about this certain bell-owning slave, not that he let up too much about it. Despite the seeming insanity that had taken hold of his mind, from how he maintained the place he was still a skilled mage, and I developed a grudging respect about the entire joint at some point. 

It was interesting to watch people who were not afflicted with a form of madness choose instead to not save themselves.

As much as I would expand on my entry, I find that writing about a year and a day here truly unexciting. A routine is a routine after all- at some point, the mind molds and adapts itself to the process, and thus leaves no room for argument or dissent in the mind. If anything, the experience suddenly becomes fantastic insight of the mind of an adventurer, faceless as they are, and how much of such mundane, yet insidious torture they can take until they finally crack. 

Without anything to fixate on, and a permanent uniform branding us as one of “his own”, however, it didn’t take too long for others to start to crumble mentally as the boredom of repetition and aura of insanity began creeping in. In times like this, it struck me as amusingly bizarre how many people seemed to just give up around me, their motions growing increasingly listless until they seemed to grow inert, as though they had finally given out and refused to be subjugated any further. I laughed internally instead, even as my own despair weighed permanently upon me. 

Even when you converse with another, you recoil seeing the face of your current self in theirs, and with everyone else that roams the alley on their own. With spiritual faith, I could keep myself perfectly sane despite the lack of social contact, but with the same humdrum sequence repeating itself over and over, one could not help but sink into the inevitable feeling of deja vu. 

I may have been physically bound to this plane of existence, but my mind remains wandering across realms, as it had been since my first death on the battlefield. Laying myself on the floor of the alley to rest was the same as if I were to lay myself onto the shattered tiles of the shrine to the Great Guide I had created. Vaguely, in the deepest recesses of my mind, I had wondered if my past self, the general, would have felt this resigned to their own fate if they had been aware of this. 

My dreams after working myself to the bone were soulless, as always, empty fields and dark landscapes while I strode in my true form across the realm on foot. While I derived twisted pleasure and revelled in those who had cracked before I did, my own mind was perfectly still, with no intention to move forward or equipped with any capacity to imagine a life beyond the one of servitude I already had prior to my appointment. It was the least I could do after my resurrection, serving the Great Guide and bringing Him the souls of the departed in an act of redeeming myself. The rest around me were but collateral damage that had made their own mistakes, and I could not save them, especially when I myself had as little rights as they did. 

Throughout my life, I had never lost until Lyncas appeared. A thorn in my side to the bitter end, he bested me in all I did while making me fully aware that he had been holding back. Even when he returned to life as Haewonmak, a cruel trick of fate to torture my immortal soul further, he continued to be superior in every aspect, which he masked behind jokes and facades of imbecility. This to me was my second loss- a narrow one, and needless to say a blow to my pride after a string of unfortunate events along with an utter slap to my face. I stewed at first, bitter at being shackled here, but truly, after experiencing the depths of the Nine Hells, was anything really about to faze me at that point? As always, I triumphed fate, whether I liked it or not. 

I wished to rest eternally- even that, I found, was denied from me, for my sin was too great. 

The mage, of course, too had his problems. He was not always around to supervise us, leaving and returning and fickle in his demands. Even while we were cleaning, I picked up snippets of his ramblings, and most of them were not as nonsensical as others dismissed them to be- he had actually been discussing an invasion of adventurers to his domain, not just within the Groghouse but beyond, and I had heard one of the people he had seen was a child with a longbow that also bore the symbol of the Great Guide. 

It couldn’t have been a coincidence with him scrying on all of us even before we entered this place. He had seen Deokchoon, and I worried for the child. I may have been the one to kill her- but she was still a child even after her resurrection. While I kept quiet, all but one of his many “selves” in the alley, I kept tabs on this development and silently prayed to the Great Guide to rescue her whenever He was able. She didn’t deserve my fate or the inevitable insanity she would experience delving down there. 

I couldn’t allow that. 

I wouldn't. 

Biding my time enough saw me finally finish my term and be allowed to leave the domain. With this, I beat a hasty retreat, once again returning to Fort Dalton and tending to the once-again abandoned shrine to the Great Guide while seeking penance for being unable to make my offerings to Him. Despite this, the knowledge that Deokchoon was still out there, in the hands of the Mad Mage weighed heavily upon my mind, and I greatly debated if I should demand for her when I grew stronger. 

Even if I had denied it, both Deokchoon and Haewonmak were my charges. I couldn’t allow either of them to die under my watch. I had to figure out a method to rescue her, even if I knew there were many children with longbows that may sport the holy symbol of the Great Guide that may be amok in the dungeon. If she was amongst a sea of them, I would still be able to pick her out instantly, and I knew I had to, bound to them both as I was. 

The first thing I had to do was to then escape my own mind, reorienting myself to be able to progress forward. I had already lost some time, and she may or may not have escaped by then. I had no idea what I would expect from there- but I had to try...or die once again trying to do so.”

@oh-god-shes-back

@zomandfriends for excessive Gangrim-related complaining