#why am i so shallow? why cant i feel genuine emotions and when i do show them properly without the fear of vulnerability? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

starstarfishbone · 1 year ago

Text

i been alternating between stability and insecurity. been panicking at the thought of losing feelings, of getting hurt, and at the idea that there is no meaning to this. been seeing the crushes are crutches, are a way for the meaning barred from entering any other area of my life to find fufilment at the cost of realism. getting serious about redistributing the emotional meaning to a more sensical and balanced system, where my creative process doesn't feel so shallow and bleak, where my vanity is allowed to exist, where i am allowed to feel love without designating it as the One True Purpose (at the detriment of my own stability - obviously this is not sustainable), and where i'm allowed to just kind of explore how i feel without the panic of feeling "the wrong thing". it is hard to let go of the immediate dopamine hits from fantasizing about a romance that might be a little forced in my mind but it became much easier when i realized that my feelings, this time, didn't exist in that fantasy, but instead in the reality of this connection and this person who i feel genuine love for. and this really solves a lot of the rushing, panicking, worrying.. this decision that i really don't need a label for this, as cliche as that sounds. this accepting of cliche moments.

i was really distraught at the idea that maybe i dont want romance, mayb i just wanted to get closer to him. but like, then what is my definition of romance? do i even know what this distinction between types of love is? and was there not a time i sat next to him wishing he was the other one, the one i took so long to let go of? i look back and can't fathom how i could be so stupid, so blind to the love i have for jacob. but my mind was a different world. and it scares me, the certainty of this world changing again and again and again. but right now at this moment, things are going well, and my heart is open. i am scared of not actually wanting this, of not actually feeling this. but those videos are just videos.

there are things about jacob that live in my mind, and i'm not sure exactly how true to the real person they are. i suppose that's a really hard thing to know, especially now that we live so far apart. i miss him. i wonder if he misses me, too. i wonder if sometimes he doesn't but he engages cuz he feels kind of bad, he seems sweet that way. i just hope we feel the same, whatever that is. and i hope i can be okay with the truth, whatever that is. i just love being near him, i love when we hold each other. who wouldnt? we definitely have something beautiful between us, at least. i'm overthinking it. i dont need to know what that is. im only thinking so hard cuz i want that dopamine hit, i wanna feel desire. ohhh the dooooom the doom of human emotion!! i wanna feel love but not fear. i wanna see him OH i wanna see him again but WHY and WHY do i NEED to KNOW ok why cant i c=just CHILL lmaoo this is so STUPID GOD ok!! okokokok i JEEz ok i am HUMAN ok there i said IT

whatever

0 notes

jimlingss · 5 years ago

Text

Thank you, everyone, for your words of encouragement. In this short amount of time, I’ve been absolutely overwhelmed with messages of support. I want to reassure you all that I’m by no means as hurt as some of you think, or at least not after so much kindness. I’ve always encouraged all kinds of feedback!! From compliments to constructive criticism. And I’m (supposedly) an Adult™, so I can definitely take someone’s opinion.

Regardless, thank you to everyone who reached out to me. I want to respond to each and everyone of you under this post so I don’t flood other people’s dashes.

Anonymous said: about the anon who said your fics lack emotion, hmm i wouldn't quite agree tbh, i remember reading tears of a villian and deadass crying, it hurt me so much!! also, in "fall in hatred" their feeling are so well portrayed and i could understand why they acted a certain way! to conlclude, there is always some space for constructive criticism but your stories, are to me, something very attentively built and created, it's apparent that you completely enjoy writing, I can feel your enthusiasm!!

--to that anon; pls don't get this wrong way but it's just the way I see it and I've read quite a lot till now

nah deadass crying isn’t good enough anymore, anon. You have to be keening and violently sobbing until you’re brought into the ER for my fics to be considered to have emotion. lol I’m only kidding, thank you for the message.

peachiest-hun said: To that anon who said your work lacked emotions, I beg to differ! I have read Jungle Park so many times I know at exactly which chapter when the heavy angst starts happening and I read those parts when I just want to have a good cry (I still cry every. single. time)! Also Head Over Heels to Hell, The Colour of Our Voices, Love So Shallow (because I so relate with OC), and many more have given me the FEELS (happy and sad ones). 1/2

So what I'm trying to say is that Jimlingss is doing a great job in her craft. She does deliver emotions in her work and the reason I love it so much is that it's SUBTLE and not completely in your face. Sometimes emotions that are subtle and they hit you slowly, but powerfully it hurts even more for me. On another note, I'm loving Sugar and Coffee. In times of darkness which are often these days, I have something to look forward to every week to keep me motivated. So thank you Jimlinggs! 2./2

Istg Jungle Park is one of the most unexpectedly beloved fics on my blog but I love it hahaha I can’t believe you’ve read it to the point of knowing what chapter is what though. that’s an honour. There’s definitely stories of mine that are less subtle than others, but I’m glad that you enjoy the latter of them too :’) Thank you.

Anonymous said: This is my first time ever leaving a message on someone’s tumblr, but I just felt that I HAD to after reading that anon’s comment about your stories lacking emotion. I wholly disagree (in the nicest way possible, not throwing any shade at anyone). I’ve read all of your fics (for the past two years) and I look forward to when you release new material (the highlight of my Mondays right now after I come home from working at a clinic). Your stories have really lifted my mood during this pandemics an

Anonymous said: Sorry for that long tangent. Don’t even know if I made sense. You don’t have to respond to any of this, but you deserve to hear some positive words as well.

Oh my god. Did I just take your tumblr-message virginity? asdfghjkl I’m kidding. but thank you for reaching out to me. I can’t believe you’ve been around for such a long time and that I’m a part of your Monday routine :’)

Anonymous said: OK that ask about "constructive criticism" was def imo RUDE. You don't just anonymously go into someone's asks and bluntly tell an author that their fics "lack emotion". That is not the way to encourage someone to improve and continue to work hard. That's just flat out mean. That person clearly doesn't care about your feelings or the fact that you write and share your stories for FREE for us to enjoy. I love your stories and appreciate what you've shared with us. Thank you for your hard work ❤️

I like to give the benefit of the doubt to anons and anyone sending me a message online in general. God knows there were times I meant well but it was received wrongly. But anyway, my mind was more boggled than I was hurt, that’s one thing for sure.

joonie-mono said: + it was called love so shallow which genuinely made me see myself in a character, but my point was that your writing has a specific feel to it, it's made me laugh and cry (His Name personally killed me :] ) and that's my opinion. You and your writing are amazing and I'm sorry but that anon was just so wrong.

oof bringing out the evidence. be my attorney please.

Anonymous said: As someone who has read your entire masterlist (and going through it again) i will have to wholeheartedly disagree with that anon. The way you portray SO many emotions in your fics is *chefs kiss* and I honestly thought that the ones that “lack emotion” were meant to be that way, with an open ending, the idea that their love just started, soo.... yeah, I’ll have to disagree.

There are definitely stories of mine that are a bit looser on romance. Such as Kitchen Romance, The President’s Son, The Heiress’ Son, Arcadia, etc. But I have a loooot of fics that are quite emphasized in either despair/sadness or cute fluff.

ladyartemesia said: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am here to disrespectfully disagree with anon who probably doesn’t write effing ANYTHING and has no idea what it takes to produce the content you do. I have followed for months and I’m still not through your masterlist BECAUSE reading your stories is a bloomin EMOTIONAL EVENT. When I read Brass and Strings, I LOST A WHOLE DAY. Like I was so into it, my DAY was gone. Anon is prolly salty there isn’t more smut I guess. That’s whatever for them. (Part 1)

It’s subtle, deep, meaningful, and incredible and you’re one of my favorite authors. I can’t FOR A SECOND let that comment go cause it’s RIDICULOUS. You’re literally so gifted. You don’t need to change a thing. Every artist, no matter their medium, should continue to improve. So in that sense I wish you all the growth in the world as you work towards the perfection of your craft. BUT SERIOUSLY you’re an incredible writer. That anon is loony. I’m so sorry you had to even read those crazy words.

As I answer these messages, it’s starting to feel like I’m the third party mediator of a dispute and all y’all are just HAMMERING it to this anon, LOL. I’m not sure if the anon is necessarily requesting for more smut but if they are, they might be happy this Friday (*COUGH spoiler for those actually reading my responses)

Anyway, you’re too kind. thank you. I am definitely not as hurt as I was earlier.

((and tbh you’re hilarious, you’re actually making me laugh irl))

krystle1990 said: Woah!! Ok first that Anon is absolutely crazy. I literally stalk your page for new work being put out! I probably blow up your notifications daily. I've never been disappointed in any of your work. You always give a heads up if it will take time for the characters to realize their feelings which I absolutely love. It always leaves me ready for the next part and I am glued to my phone with every update. You're amazing and I can't wait to see how you grow with your work. 💜😘

ASDFGHJKL PLEASEEE if it’s someone who’s worried about blowing up notifications, it’s me. To those who have notifications on I sincerely can’t fathom how often I blow up people’s phones. I digress, I always give out warnings to keep people patient since I know slow burn can be excruciating haha thank you for the message.

kigurumu said: Also just want to add that saying you have good intentions or "don't mean to be mean" does not cancel out whatever offensive thing you just said. IT WILL STILL RUDE. Not saying all negative feedback is bad. Criticism can be hard to take no matter how it's phrased, but telling a writer to be more like another writer is like telling them their style isn't good enough which is NOT helpful. Your writing is your own. If the anon wants to read fics that are like gukyi's, they can read gukyi's fics 🙄

Also I've been waiting until Sugar and Coffee is done so I can binge it all at once but avoiding spoilers from all the asks is so hard haha! I keep seeing all these good things about it and I'm SO tempted to just read it now but I've already waited this long so I don't wanna give up kfnrjrofvjskdh guess I'll reread your other fics in the meantime

The message was fine on its own but I think dragging in another writer at the end was definitely not ok. When will comparing writers end. But regardless, gukyi and I are cool with one another - i mean we wrote 100k together so it’s gonna have to take a reverse Zuko arc for us to be on bad terms lol

Anyway, oooh you’re one of those bingers. Can’t say I blame you cause I love binging myself, so it’s understandable for readers to wait till the series is over. and since you were so kind in following up your original message with two more and expressing so much appreciation for me :’), I’ll let you know that the finale of Sugar and Coffee will be posted by July 20th! by then, the entire series will be completed.

Anonymous said: Tbh i think that neither you nor that anon is wrong. Some people like it more romanticised and cheesy, some people dont. I believe that your stories are more on the realistic side of life. People (whom your characters represent) cant always be cheesy and passionate for love, there are other things in life! Maybe you're just the type who's too realistic for any hopeless romantic things like i am and it's fine. Not all writers can write dramatic romance

Tbh, I agree. It’s a matter of opinion and there’s no one wrong in the fight of opinions. As I’ve said many times on my blog, the cringe factor varies between person to person. What someone might think is fluffy is absolutely cringey to another. What someone might think is a good amount of fluff is not enough for someone else. I’ve written a lot. And I’ve made sure to add lots of variations between the amount of romance in my stories. Indeed, some are definitely more subtle and “realistic” while others are completely cheesy and makes me gag from the amount of sugar in it lol I just think the anon should take a look at more of my stories before coming up with such a conclusive opinion.

Anonymous said: I’ve been reading your fics for over a year now and religiously follow updates every week. Why? Because they make me feel something whether it be joy from fluff or grief from angst. I’ll remember a story of yours months after I first read it and return to it just to feel those emotions again. I understand that emotional responses are usually subjective but I think that anon needs to read your works again, because they sure are missing out.

I replied to that anon that they should check out more of my fics and then come back to tell me if they haven’t changed their minds, so I don’t know if they’re missing out or not lol

I don’t expect my stories to elicit emotional responses or fanatic feedback for everyone. God knows there’s been other people’s writing styles that just didn’t resonate with me no matter how hard I tried to read their stories. But all I ask is that people try. It’s fine if you give up halfway but at least try reading. That’s fair to ask, right?

#Anonymous #peachiest-hun #joonie-mono #ladyartemesia #krystle1990 #kigurumu

21 notes · View notes

masterturner · 6 years ago

Text

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still. im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time. i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull. the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly. i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward. i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too? i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking. maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was. it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow. and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different. it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable. maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt. i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it. i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else? even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that. i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish. why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt. i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place. there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow. but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year. since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all? did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now? i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know. eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess. she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far. it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain. ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep. but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining? i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though. but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same

#do not reblog this

2 notes · View notes

jugheadsbean · 7 years ago

Note

Request: Jug's tumultuous thoughts between the phone call in the beginning of 2.13 (when Betty hangs up on him) and the moment they talk in the street and she reassures him.

Here you go, I sort of went of on a bit of a tangent but here you go anyway ah hope you enjoy XOX

@morgandeeyue

The call had ended.

She had hung up

.Oh God he’s fallen so fast , so quick he hadn’t even realised it. Of course she’s not going to tell him she loved him, he left her alone in the parking lot of the Whyte Wrym after she tried to do something she thought would make him happy. She wanted to look after him.

And tonight… tonight was amazing. He finally gave in. He realised why everything in his life was a down hill spiral. It had all started when she wasn’t by his side,to guide him,be with him,to love him.She was with him, investigating ,sleuthing. It was like old times and Jughead swears he had never been more in his element. The way her hand laced into his, their fingers intertwining like they were made for each other.The way she walked into the bar, by his side like she belonged there. Because she did, she belonged anywhere Jughead was, she belonged with him.In his trailer, her peach shoes carefully placed by the table. The point of each toe lining up with the other. His beanie removed and threw aimlessly, it was his security blanket but he didn’t need it around her. His suspenders were loose.He told he to stay, not just the night, but forever.

He didn’t want her to leave him ever again.That night was their first time. The way their bodies melted together, perfect like two jigsaw pieces, they were made to be together. The way he felt … he had never felt anything like that before. And he was pretty sure she felt the same. The sex was amazing,and the emotion underneath was something else. It was if they had never been apart, it was magical. He though she thought so too.That was until just now when she hung up. His heart stopped in that moment.He felt a genuine connection from her and he knew she felt it too, she wanted him too so he knew she still had feelings for her. But was he good? It was definitely good for him, but was that feeling returned? Maybe she wouldn’t want to be with him if he isn’t good at sex. He knows that Betty isn’t that shallow, but he cant help the creeping anxiety that’s bubbling within him.Maybe she just didn’t love him anymore, maybe he had gone too far this time and there was no turning back.

That night Jughead faded in and out of a sleepless night. He couldn’t get away from this sinking feeling in his stomach. But when the clock struck six AM , he knew exactly what to do.He marched over to her house, knocking before he got the chance to actually think this through.It wasn’t until they had began walking and a silence loomed over them that he actually began to regret his decision.

A light rain patted against the sidewalk, her face looked tormented , like something was going on under the surface. Jughead hoped he wasn’t the cause of.

“Hey.. can I talk to you about last night?” He couldn’t make eye contact, especially if it was all about to go to hell.

She looked shocked, “What about it?”

“Nothing.. Its just that we had this really nice night but then you hung up on me so..I kind of got nervous, maybe you thought we were moving to fast or that I don’t know maybe it wasn’t enjoyable?” He took a deep breath at the last part, scared to hear what was to come next.

Betty’s face went into complete shock and guilt.“Oh my God, no not at all, last night was amazing.” She said with sincerity in her eyes, placing her warm palm on his cheek, heating up his entire body.

Any insecurities melted away at that moment, he could tell she was telling the truth. He couldn’t help a smile form on his lips from relief and it was in that moment he knew they were going to be okay.

He knew she still loved him.

#Bughead #bughead fanfics #betty cooper #jughead jones #cole sprouse #Lili Reinhart #riverdale

31 notes · View notes

8eht · 7 years ago

Note

Y, H, and C 💗💗

c: what member do you identify with most?

im sure u already know asfkhsaf but its minghao. thats one of the reasons why i enjoy writing him so much. other than i just love him a whole lot. to me, i feel like he is an extremely emotional person but also likes to hide those parts of him?? he said that he used to cry a lot but didn’t want any of the members to know abt it, but once he became closer to them he began to allow himself to express his feelings more openly. and like wow. i feel that so hard. i know i am queen of being dramatic on here but i have a hard time expressing emotions to ppl irl unless ive done it before

i also have this ideal of him that hes so genuine and truly compassionate, but also has a short-temper and gets frustrated easily?? (i had written angry at first, but think maybe frustrated is a better word here.) obviously i dont know this for sure bc i dont know him. but either way i feel as tho he has so many different parts of him and that hes generally such a complex person and thats both really fun to write, and also makes it easy for me to relate to him. im not calling myself complex in a positive or endearing way like it is for him asfkahfska. bc i never am able to let ppl close to me or let them try to understand me i guess ??? and i always feel empty and unfulfilled. i wonder if he feels the same way and i hope he doesn’t, but its likely.

and then there are more shallow reasons we are similar like fashion style and how he seems to love dogs and mostly how we can both be a lil pretentious asfhjasfj

h: how would you describe your style?

describing my own style is really difficult ??? i like to use choppy and fragmented sentences bc i feel like its such a wonderful technique to use when u want to express strong emotions. i dont even know why i link emotion (esp negative) w fragments but yet here we are. not to sound dramatic but i feel like using short phrases or sentence, and esp broken ones, gives readers a sense of anxiety or intensity?? whether its positive or negative. this could literally only be a me thing and it might not mean anything to anyone else safahfa

i use a lot (maybe too much?? i dont find it possible but i know some do) detail. i just have an exact image in my head and try to put it into words as perfectly as i can. i actually dont feel like i use enough detail and its something im working on. i have improved a lot since i really started writing fic in november. my work from nov is actually pretty embarrassing to me in a way??

i also feel like i can overdo it with metaphors. but gosh !! i just really want the feelings of the characters to exude from the words. i aim for my writing to come off as somewhat poetic and lyrical as pretentious as it sounds fasjgfajshgfasfg. whether or not it does, however, is beyond me. but im trying here ok

that also reminds me. i dont really believe in grammar rules??? which sounds absurd. but i cant get on board with the belief that ur writing should be put inside this box of rules and certain expectations. sometimes i fear ppl will think im a bad writer bc of it but idk i just think it makes ur writing more unique and expressive so w/e

y: a character you want to protect.

all of them??? but specifically minghao, jun, mingyu, and seokmin. also vernon. asfkjah omg there are so many but like. i love them all so much??? but atm its rly minghao, jun, n mingyu. i do them so dirty but i try/will try to make things all right eventually?? or who knows. i always stray away from wut i first had planned, so if i ever give someone a shitty time i promise i love them and want to protect them irl and i feel bad abt it safahjsfa

but mostly minghao and jun bc i put them through a lot n im sorry sakfhas

ask me more fanfic q’s!!!!

#boost-coupshi #ty ty ty ty beautiful !!#💖💕💖💕#replies #long post #not 17 #angel things.txt #SORRY IF THERE ARE TYPOS IM 2 LAZY TO RLY REREAD THIS rip

3 notes · View notes

rawvocal · 6 years ago

Text

i cant tell if i romantically like people or not

something is very backwards in my emotions

im too sensitive and im relying too much on others

what am i doing i am very confused

church made me realize how confused i am

why do i care so much about people

let's focus on how i feel even though i know it all to be very silly:

i feel left behind

i feel annoyed for feeling sorry for myself but not doing anything about it

i feel stuck

i feel like a failure

i dont feel like talking to other people especially girls

i feel afraid to make friends with girls or else ill start developing feelings

i feel out of everyone's league

i feel very low about myself

i feel like the shittiest person on the planet the most awkward and gross person ever

i feel discouraged that nobody will like me if im going to be self conscious and unconfident to that extent

i feel tired of being fixated on finding someone and i just want to stop being held back with the 7th graders

i feel afraid of rejection from people and i feel like a pussy

i feel confused as to why im so insecure

i feel like hugging someone

i feel upset and jealous that i dont have the strength to stop being stubborn and bitter about my lack of competency

im tired of focusing on this shit cause its maming me so shallow and materialistic and that's not who I am nor who I want to be

im tired of saying weird things in public

im tired of trying so hard to be genuine for others

i just want to be stupid because ill laugh

if i dont laugh ill cry

i never cry

i miss being confident and having the strength to act well so that when i cry i can cry without feeling ashamed for having failed myself and feeling like I dont deserve to be upset

i feel like people are too nice to me just for show

i feel like i fuck up every romantic situation ive been in and it makes me feel incapable of another

however I KNOW all of this is a figment of my own delusions and such thinking will pass

this is simply the panicked, unintelligent emotional side of me that is always behind the scenes

the immaturities are overflowing

id like to stop them and simply do my best to do my best, and stop judging myself so harshly and expecting so much

id like to love myself a bit more, because that's where the strength I need will come feom

i know the answer and every time I read,think, type, or say these words, a weight is lifted and i feel so much freer

but when i try

when i try i fall immediately back

i am caught in a habit of being a fucking pussy

and even if i have what it takes to better my own self concept, i fail to do so every time i put myself out there

it makes me talk weird, prevents me from taking advantage of my opportunities, elicits fear and gives everyone a weird vibe while hurting me in the process

i know what to do, I've done it and I've done it harder

perhaps time will tell but as of now it had not gottenbetter, but worse.

im hurt by the first

im hurt by the second

im hurt by the third

not heartbreak but mindbreak

ive healed the wounds of my heart but not the wounds of my character

and they all haunt me and define my reputation

and it's stupid that I should let this little thing boil over and destroy my habits of confidence

but whether I like it or not, I let this happen and it is up to me to find a way to fix what is broken, which is my attitude.

this is challenging and im not sure what the solution is.

0 notes

apsbicepstraining · 7 years ago

Text

Am I Shallow For Disliking That My Boyfriend Is Fat? Ask A Pro

Dead Head Pro,

Fully understanding how shallow I am going to sound, I’ll descent right in.

I “ve never” dated a fat person, until 6 months ago. My lover is not obese but “he il be” undeniably fat. Although I think he has put on some weight, he was already overweight when we started dating.

I have a nice torso, am very physically active, and desire to share that life-style with my lover. I hoped that my speciman would motivate my lover to get into determine. Even though it is has gone him to talk about it, he still hasn’t taken specific actions. It doesn’t repulse me that he’s fat; what bothers me is that he speaks of misplacing load but hasn’t actually changed any of his habits.

We met after the holidays and he showed that he was conscious of his load, went on to say that he had fallen off the wagon during the holidays and was trying to get back into a number. Since then, we have gone on two beach vacations that he was “going to get in shape for” and if anything he has only gotten bigger.

As I mentioned, I have tried to influence him through my sample,( talking about the foods I’m eating, ever telling him when I’m at the gym) and when he makes explains about his heavines, I don’t reject them with “you’re not fat! “, I try to discuss a game plan for get him back on track. Over the past few months though, he has moved accommodations and switched business so the author claims he hasn’t given an opportunity to get back into a routine because of the time and stress. I’m nervous that this will continue to happen because there is obviously never going to be a perfect time to change.

Obviously this is important to me but everything else in our relations is reverberate and I’m happy, so I’m not looking to end happenings, just some advice to assist get thoughts done.

Sincerely,

Skinny Betch

Well, you’re not glad, are you? You’re emailing me, plainly, but you also said “I hoped that my speciman would motivate my boyfriend to get into shape.” There’s an old relation proverb along the lines of “women marry men hoping they’ll change, servicemen wed wives hoping they never do.” It’s principally true-blue and, even more importantly, neither objective is ever realise. Men who are unambitious losers rarely be transformed into millionaires, and women who is the beginning as party girl nymphos who like to get drunk and give hummers in movie theater rarely remain that road. C’est la vie . So you’re miserable that your stellar sample hasn’t magically diverted your glistening pig of a boyfriend into an adonis. No shit. Seeing a nutrition that a) works for you and b) you can stick to that outcomes weight loss is certainly fucking hard. And given that your best bet provides support to that diet with musing exercise, you’re talking about an entire paradigm transformation in his procedure. Combine that given the fact that weight loss simply gets harder the older we get, and he’s standing at the foot of the world’s tallest mountain, and all you’re doing to help him climbing is devouring kale and texting him from the elliptical . That’s not a moral neglect on your percentage, either. Short of preparing all of his nutrient for him( which would be ridiculous ), there’s not much you can do. The only real proposition I have is to maybe find certain kinds of activity that you can do together — tennis, hiking, paddle boarding, whatever. If that happens, there may be some to be expected that laying bare his physical paucities will press him to get serious about health and fitness . In the end, you’re on two sides of a segment. He, like likely 90% of specific populations, qualities weight loss and fitness but can’t find it in himself to prioritize it. You’re the opposite, in that you prioritize it in both yourself and him( despite going into this knowing exactly what you were get ). You have to get wise through your skull that things are unlikely to change for the better, and ultimately decide what’s more important to you .

Dearest Head Pro,

I’m caught in a lineage love triangle. A several weeks ago, your best friend placed me up with his little. Yes, little as in frat little. I don’t know why this shit is still relevant in the real world, but here “weve been”. So, regardless, we hit it off. The little is a great guy, though the fornication is medium-minus. Hoping to educate the young boy in the wiles of sexual encounters, I began to train Medium-Minus with the expectations of seeing him a solid medium.

So, a little backstory here. Medium-Minus just got out of a really fucked up tie-in, so he suffering from significant emotional PTSD and goes back and forth between wanting to date me and wanting to be swear off all women( including me- which is crazy, I know ). But although there are the sex is medium minus I still really like him. Emotionally unavailable humankinds seem to be my form these days!

Okay , now the actually fucking crazy side. While he’s been out of municipality for the past few weeks I inadvertently separated 3 bottles of rose (# roseallday) with his big and we wholly made out. Brose over here caught me off his guard with his good looks and even better wine-drinking abilities. I’d told that that was a onetime occasion, but I cant aid but do it with him when I’m drinking …. And a girl’s gotta stick to her diet.

Well….it’s all fun and games until someone catches the feels. And someone happened to be BOTH of us. Brose thought it was a bright idea to tell his little( aka Medium-Minus) in on his feelings( except for the component about us making out ). Are a bit incestual no? They’re like mostly bros (# frat #brotherhood #lineage) and I’ve somehow placed myself in the middle of their bromance and fucked everything up. And it gets even more awk…because Medium-Minus cuss he’s trying to date me when he recalls from his travellings. Can’t say I wouldn’t likewise be defensive about misplacing a total fucking catch like me.

So….Medium-Minus and I have hindered talking while he’s been away, but the combined effects of sexting and “I merely can’t be with you right now” is getting v old .. especially when Brose is just sitting pretty on the back burner. I know that I need to at least wait until he gets back from wherever he is, but I’m not sure what my game plan is when he does. Chiefly I fantasize I need to stop dating frat boys( line-up note- I never even dated them in college, irony ?). But in the meantime, are you able help a betch out? The striving is real.

With drunken love,

XXX sratstar

Wait, waitwaitwaitwait: This entire email is premised on existing conflicts arising under their college brotherhood association, and you’re not even in fucking college ?!?!? Like, I’m speaking this word, reputing “wow, ok, this could get actually sticky if they’re living under the same house, ” and at the very end you cease the missile that college is in the past-tense for you? You were somehow “caught off guard” by his good looks( had you, uh , not viewed him before ?) and his boozing abilities? A bottle and a half of wine-colored isn’t even all that impressive for a buster, fyi. Not that I would know, or anything . Anyway, you don’t actually have a problem here. The one person is coldness and good and into you( somehow !), and another guy is good in bottom and one screening away from spurting some despicable bullshit on a Men’s Rights subreddit. There is not a real choice, and the fact that you had to dig up their college fraternity brotherhood( which no one cares about after college, I predict) to construct one sees me think you might enjoy the( non) drama a teensy weensy fragment . If you genuinely want to stop “re kidding”, you don’t need to wait for the one guy to get back from “wherever he is.” I necessitate, if you don’t even know where he is and half the time he’s calling you a jezebel, that’s not exactly a relationship that expects a lot of closure. If anything, him being gone is a perfect opportunity to use remote communication to avail him of the notion that you’ll be a pair .

In the future, past frat relationship is maybe not a good signal of a guy’s tone. Being bad in bunk and a borderline misogynist, nonetheless, emphatically is .

The post Am I Shallow For Disliking That My Boyfriend Is Fat? Ask A Pro appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2y9IiAa via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes

catsandhotsauce · 8 years ago

Text

remember.

Okay.. hi. Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I guess i was just shocked. Or, rather, caught off guard. you deserve to know the whole truth of what you never saw during our friendship. Im writing this now as a full explanation for, well.. Everything.. i know it would seem more sincere if i spoke to you in person, but im afraid if i had to talk to you face to face i'd get too choked up and i'd forget everything that i want to say. While you read this letter, i really, dearly hope you try to keep an open mind and really see what i am going to say to you. You don't have to read it, but i know i have to get this off my chest. I want to start off by saying i am sorry. I am sorry for the circumstances of what happened. I am sorry that i never got to speak to you face to face. I am sorry that i never had the guts to tell you how i truly felt during our four years of friendship. I was afraid. I still am. Im always afraid when it comes to you. I know it was not your intention to make me like this, but being friends with you made me weak to the knees. You were always getting mad at me for reasons that were just too shallow. You remember, right? How half the time of our friendship we spent fighting. It was always the same. You'd get angry at me for some harmless action that you gave way too much meaning to and then poof. You start telling me off, giving me those death glares, making me feel downright terrible, thrashing your stuff or even my stuff in places. You made huge deals out of things that were just too simple to fight about. I had to walk on eggshells during our entire friendship because i was afraid of you. You terrified me. One wrong, unintentional move i'd make and you would start rambling about how "careless" or "ignorant" or "immature" i was. I just didnt get it. Why you were always angry at me for silly, petty reasons. The worse parts were during the fights, when i tried to reason with you, when i tried to make you see my side of it, when i tried to level with you. You just wouldnt have it. You couldnt let go. You would always find more and more unrelated reasons to drag on the argument until i would eventually just give up out of emotional distress. It was like arguing with a concrete wall. Thats when i really genuinely thought i was worthless, that nothing i said mattered because whatever i said you would never listen to me. Not only that, but you would intentionally make me feel guilty when you knew i was finally making logical sense. You manipulated me into doing things your way, and i caught on to it too, i was just afraid not to oblige because i didnt want to undergo another emotionally distressing argument that would end up with me saying sorry or you walking out. You had convinced me that i was never allowed to be right. That no matter what, i was always always ALWAYS wrong. No exceptions. You made me believe that i'd never be capable of doing things correctly because of all the insignificant things you'd get mad at me for. For every fight you picked with me, every time you made me see how flawed i am, every tear you've made me cry, it picked away bits and pieces of me. I became afraid, always nervous, or worried that out of nowhere something might go wrong, that you suddenly might burst at me again. That, that is what made me this emotionally unstable, anxiety-drilled human i am now. I cant go out and have a normal day with normal social interaction. I cant look people in the eye. I stutter and stumble with my words when someone talks to me. I have to plan out every single action i do or word i say because im afraid of being yelled at or punished. I cant stop overthinking everything because im convinced i will mess things up. I am saying all of this now because i need to have a clear conscious if i want to better myself again and i know you deserve to hear the truth. I did my best to be a loyal friend to you. After all you were my high school best friend, and i loved you. I understood you and all the struggles you had to go through growing up as a late child and younger sibling. I saw who you were when no one else understood why you did the things you did. I understood why you put on such a tough exterior to hide the vulnerable and naive kat that lurks beneath. Thats why i tried my best to help you somehow see the world for how simple it was. I didnt want you to keep seeing things as shortcomings or disappointments. I didnt want you to dwell on unnecessary matters when there was a whole, happy, care free world that was waiting to embrace you if you'd let it. I wanted to be there for you as your safety net, your reassurance that everything was going to be okay because i would always be your friend, but i started to lose myself and my worth in the process. Im sorry i let go, kat. I truly, deeply am. I hope as you finish reading this you could maybe understand me. I hope you know that i will never forget all of the crazy, great and wonderful times we had together. I sincerely hope you find all the happiness in the world, and i know for a fact that you will lead an amazing life and fulfill your dreams of travelling to paris and all the beautiful places your heart has desired since we were in high school. You will be an amazing doctor and people will look up to you. Im sorry that i cant be there for all of that, but please know that i will always remember you and i will treasure our friendship for the greatness it was. God bless you and your family and take care, always. Love, dash 012316

0 notes

apsbicepstraining · 7 years ago

Text

Am I Shallow For Disliking That My Boyfriend Is Fat? Ask A Pro

Dead Head Pro,

Fully understanding how shallow I am going to sound, I’ll descent right in.

Obviously this is important to me but everything else in our relations is reverberate and I’m happy, so I’m not looking to end happenings, just some advice to assist get thoughts done.

Sincerely,

Skinny Betch

Dearest Head Pro,

With drunken love,

XXX sratstar

In the future, past frat relationship is maybe not a good signal of a guy’s tone. Being bad in bunk and a borderline misogynist, nonetheless, emphatically is .

The post Am I Shallow For Disliking That My Boyfriend Is Fat? Ask A Pro appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2y9IiAa via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes

apsbicepstraining · 7 years ago

Text

Am I Shallow For Disliking That My Boyfriend Is Fat? Ask A Pro

Dead Head Pro,

Fully understanding how shallow I am going to sound, I’ll descent right in.

Obviously this is important to me but everything else in our relations is reverberate and I’m happy, so I’m not looking to end happenings, just some advice to assist get thoughts done.

Sincerely,

Skinny Betch

Dearest Head Pro,

With drunken love,

XXX sratstar

In the future, past frat relationship is maybe not a good signal of a guy’s tone. Being bad in bunk and a borderline misogynist, nonetheless, emphatically is .

The post Am I Shallow For Disliking That My Boyfriend Is Fat? Ask A Pro appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2y9IiAa via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes