#why am I still writing stuff in the middle of the night I should sleep have I learned nothing

[nvrsaidiwasinurcloset]

Have Faith In Me - GF!Ethan Landry x Fem!Reader - Part 1

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did. I said I'd never let you fall, and I always meant it.

This contains SMUT - Minors DNI

Summary: After leaving Woodsboro for a fresh start, you’re shaken up when Ghostface resurfaces. Little did you know, the person you were in love with is a part of it.

Contains: Oral - f receiving, p in v, unprotected sex(pulling out thooo), angst at the end💁🏼‍♀️

Word Count: 2.7k

A/N: I NEEDED to write another Ghostface Ethan fic. And then I realized I don’t have a series yet where he’s the bad guy, so here ya go💕Also, still working on Creep part 2 even though its been a while(I think I made it a little too much lmao).

You were never supposed to know that Ethan had a part in why people were being murdered, at least not yet. He was disappointed in himself for being so careless, so stupid. His thoughts were racing as he tried to think of anything he could say to you to make you want to keep quiet. He knew his dad and sister would be furious if their plan was destroyed because of Ethan’s negligence, but he was more worried about your safety, which he’d already begged his family for.

It started off as a normal day. Well, not really. After two students and a professor were killed close to campus, your morning classes had been cancelled for the day. With the recent killings, you didn’t want to be alone. You called Ethan, your boyfriend’s groggy voice making you smile once he answered.

“Were you still sleeping?” you asked, as he yawned.

“Classes are cancelled. What else am I supposed to do?” he asked, as you giggled. “Wait, what are you doing today? Are you by yourself?”

“Yeah, I was going to call Tara, but I know she’s probably exhausted from being questioned all night,” you said, as he dramatically scoffed at your words.

“So I was the second person you wanted to call,” he said, the fake annoyance in his voice making you roll your eyes. “You should come to my dorm. We can cuddle, watch movies, and Chad’s not here so we can do some other stuff, too.”

“I can’t believe you’re suggesting sex when there’s someone out here killing people. That’s one of the first rules, don’t have sex,” you said, as Ethan started to chuckle.

“Okay, Mindy,” he teased, “You sounded just like her for a second.”

“Hey, I want to live, and I want you to live, too,” you said, as you slid your shoes on your feet. “I’m leaving now, I’ll be at your dorm soon.”

Your dorm was only one building away from Ethan’s, so the walk was very short, and the sun was shining, but you were still nervous as you walked a little faster to get to his dorm, just in case. You’d had previous encounters with Ghostface in Woodsboro, and after Judy was killed right in front of her house in the middle of the day, you felt like you could never be too careful.

When you made it to Ethan’s dorm, you knocked before the door opened, a sleepy smile on his face as he stepped to the side to let you come in. He was shirtless, his flannel pajamas hanging lowly on his hips. You bit your lip for a second as you checked him out, before he cleared his throat.

Your eyes snapped from his abs to his face, his lips twisted into a smirk as you felt your blush spread across your cheeks.

"You checking me out?" he teased as he walked over to you, his hand going underneath your chin to tilt your head up before he leaned down to kiss you.

"Mhm," you mumbled into the kiss. He stood there, his lips on yours for a minute before he pulled away.

He sat on his bed, making grabby hands at you as you sat down beside him. When he laid back to relax his head on the pillows, you moved with him, your head resting on his chest as your legs tangled with his.

"Do you want to talk about what's going on? With the Ghostface stuff?" he asked after a few minutes of silence. "I know this must be scarier for you than it is for me."

You sighed as his hand ran over your hip, thinking about how terrifying everything was in Woodsboro the year before. You were trying so hard to not think too much into it, because you were sure you survived last time out of pure luck, and the odds of you making it out unscathed again wasn't very likely.

You didn't even know your eyes were watering until the tears trickled, running over your cheekbone before they made it to Ethan's bare chest.

"Hey, are you okay?" Ethan asked, as you sat up and placed your face in your hands. He sat up, too, pulling your hands away so he could see you. Guilt for what he and his family had done and everything they still had to do punched him in the chest once he saw your panicked, red eyes, and your bottom lip quivering. "I won't let anything happen to you, baby."

"I just can't believe this is happening. We thought leaving Woodsboro meant we would never have to deal with this again," you said, your voice shaking as Ethan offered a sympathetic smile. "When I tried to sleep last night, all I could see behind my eyelids was Sam's psycho boyfriend running at me with his knife."

Ethan shook his head, trying to remain calm. He knew Richie tried to kill you that night before he met you, because he read all the police reports and files his dad got after everything happened. At first, you were supposed to be just another body that was going to drop before the Kirsch family fled the country. At least, that was the plan before Ethan fell in love with you.

"I promise you, you're going to be okay. I won't let anything happen to you," he said, a small sob slipping past your lips.

"You can't promise that nothing will happen to me, Ethan," you said, wiping the tears off your cheeks. "Just like I can't promise that nothing will happen to you."

Ethan pulled you close to him before he kissed the top of your head.

"I don't want you to be alone. If you aren't with me, I want you with someone at all times, okay?" he said, as you nodded. "Are you going to Tara's when I have to leave for Econ later?"

"Yeah, will you walk me there before you go to class tonight?"

"Of course, baby."

You still had a few hours before he had to leave for class, so you cuddled up with him and decided to watch something funny to lighten the somber mood. As you and Ethan laughed, the terrifying reality that was your life wasn't weighing as heavy on your mind, because you really did feel safe with him. You knew he'd protect you if it came down to it.

You kept stealing glances at your boyfriend's still-shirtless body, paying extra attention to the way his arms flexed whenever he shifted beside you. It didn't take long for Ethan to notice, and once he realized that you had stopped watching the movie and was more interested in watching him, he leaned over to shut his laptop.

"Do you not want to watch the movie anymore?" you asked, as you quickly looked up to look at his face, the same smirk from earlier back on his lips.

"It didn't seem like you did," he teased, as he leaned in to kiss you. "Do you think oral counts in the whole 'Don't have sex' thing?"

"Is this your way of asking me to suck your dick?" you said, laughing a little as he bit his bottom lip.

"No, this is me asking to eat you out," he said, your eyes growing wide at his words, your breath hitching in your throat. "If you want me to."

"I don't think oral counts," you said, your smirk matching his before he pushed you back and hovered over you, connecting his lips to yours. "We do have to leave soon-ish, though, if you're going to walk me to Tara's before class."

"I have plenty of time to make you cum," he mumbled against your lips, before he pulled away to sit up.

His hands went to your leggings, hooking his fingers under the waistband before he slid them down your thighs. After they were off, his hand went straight to your pussy, teasing you as he rubbed you over the material that was getting wetter by the second in between your legs.

You relaxed under his touch, your legs spreading wider for him as he added a little more pressure. One of Ethan's favorite things in bed was teasing you, because he loved how whiny your voice sounded when you couldn't take it anymore, but as he thought more about the time he didn't have, he quickly pulled your panties down, leaving the lower half of your body exposed to him.

He scooted further down the bed, and once he was settled between your thighs, his eyes connected with your needy ones. He watched you as his tongue connected with your pussy, your mouth parting as you took a deep breath.

One of your hands lazily rested in his curls as he placed gentle licks to your clit, every thought running through your mind fading as you focused on how he was making you feel. The anticipation for him to do more had your skin tingling, but before you had the chance to say anything, his mouth moved lower, his tongue dipping inside your dripping pussy.

He was alternating between swirling his tongue inside of you and licking from your entrance to your clit, your hips squirming at the feeling as he tried to keep you still.

"Fuck," you moaned, your hand tangled tightly in his hair as you looked down at him. His mouth moved even faster, eating your pussy like he was craving it. He sucked your clit into his mouth, the delicious pressure making your back arch off the bed. "Oh my god," you whimpered, his teeth gently grazing it before he sucked a little harder.

Ethan knew that feeling was starting to build as he watched you, your brows furrowing, your whimpers slipping out through the corners of your mouth as your teeth tightly held your bottom lip. You felt his fingers prodding at your entrance before he slid his middle and ring ringer into you with ease, and he wasted no time to curve them, making sure to hit that spot.

"So close," you whimpered, as he chuckled with your clit in his mouth and kept going.

Your hand in his hair was shaking, your toes were curling against his sheets, your breathing was so heavy. Ethan loved seeing you like this, so close to the edge, and knowing he was the one that was making you feel that pleasure made his cock throb even harder than it already was.

He pressed his fingers a little harder, the feeling making your eyes roll back as you whined out, the hot feeling spreading across your body as your thighs clenched around his head. You were a whimpering mess as your body rocked from the waves of pleasure running through it.

As you came down from your high, your body relaxing against his bed as he pulled away, he watched you in awe as you caught your breath. He always thought you were beautiful, but your post-orgasm glow was his favorite. You lazily opened your eyes to see him staring at you, a smile playing on your lips.

"I know it's against the rules, but I need to have you inside of me," you said, as he laughed and slid his pajamas and boxers down in one swift motion.

"Condom or no condom?" he asked, waiting for your answer before he crawled on top of you.

"Just pull out," you said, a smirk playing on your lips as he quickly got settled between your legs.

"We have to be quick," he said, glancing over at the Star Wars clock on his night stand. "Is that okay?"

"Mhm," you said, as he slid inside of you.

He gave you a minute, his thrusts slow as your pussy adjusted to his size, before he sped up. You clung to his biceps as his hands were pressed flatly against his bed on either side of you, the tip of his cock slamming into your g-spot with every snap of his hips.

"Shit," you whimpered through your clenched teeth, your legs wrapping around his waist so he could go even deeper.

It didn't take long for your eyes to start rolling back again, the words you were trying to say coming out as babbles that Ethan couldn't understand.

"Look at you, so drunk off my cock," he teased, as you quickly nodded your head, your moans getting louder as he slid in and out of you. "Taking it so fucking well."

He grunted once he felt your nails dig into his arm, the stinging sensation turning him on even more. He went faster, and before you had the chance to process that you were about to cum, your body started to jolt, a loud cry flying out of your mouth as your pussy clenched him.

"Fuck, gonna cum," he moaned, before he pulled out.

As soon as he did, the realization that you were still wearing your shirt hit him as he covered it in his cum. You were too caught up in coming down from your own orgasm that you didn't notice, until Ethan started laughing to himself.

"What?" you asked, your breathing still labored as he shook his head and ran his hand through his curls.

"Uh...you wanna borrow a shirt before we leave?" he asked, as you glanced down to look at your shirt before you started laughing.

"Please," you said, as he leaned down to place a kiss to your lips.

He helped you get off his bed before he grabbed the clothes he wanted to wear out of the laundry basket full of stuff he hadn't folded yet, as you walked over to his dresser to search for your favorite shirt of his.

His back was turned towards you, but once he heard the drawer open, his head snapped in your direction, his heart pounding in his chest as you placed your hand over your mouth.

You saw the knife with the dried blood on it resting on top of his folded shirts, your eyes growing wide as your stomach felt queasy. You hesitantly turned your head to him, your eyes watering as he stepped closer.

"Baby," he said softly, as you took a step back. "This isn't what it looks like."

"So that's not a fucking bloody knife in your dresser?" you snapped, as he darted towards you, wincing at the loudness of your voice before his hand covered over your mouth.

"Shut the fuck up," he whispered, his eyes wide as he backed you towards the wall.

In that moment, you knew the person you were in love with was a psycho, fear coursing through your veins as his dark eyes looked into yours.

"I can't explain everything right now," he said, his face softening as his hand was still pressed against you. "But nothing's going to happen to you. You can't say anything, baby. You need to keep quiet, it's the only way I can keep you safe."

You hesitantly nodded, the tears running down your face pooling against the side of his hand. You were trying so hard to choke back your sobs as he groaned.

"I'm so fucking stupid," he said, as he took a deep breath. "If I let go of your mouth, will you be quiet?"

You nodded again, as he slowly pulled his hand away. You glanced at the floor as he stood in front of you, your chin quivering as he sighed.

"Baby, I'm sorry," he said, as he placed his hand under your chin and lifted your head to face him. You were still refusing to make eye contact. "I'm serious about you not saying anything. I'd never hurt you, but who I'm working with would. You know how long it took for me to convince them that you didn't need to die?"

You took a shaky breath as you looked at the person you thought you knew really well a few minutes ago, the realization hitting you that you don't know him at all.

"Can I trust you to not say anything?" he asked, a few more tears slipping past your lash line as you nodded. "I'll tell you everything later, okay?"

"Okay," you whispered, as he walked over to grab a shirt out of the drawer that was still open, and handed it to you.

"You need to get dressed, baby. I'm going to be late for class."

[itsnevercasual]

Sweet Creature

harry styles masterlist

pairing: kinda dark!harry styles x reader

summary: harry’s mother finds a girl on the side of the street one day while harry’s away. he hears about her for months, until he finally decides to see for himself. expecting her to be an undercover rat, he is surprised to find a girl more similar to a deer in headlights.

warning: kinda dark harry kinda alludes to him doing illegal, mafia type stuff but it isn’t specified. third person writing instead of second, READER DOESN’T USE HER REAL NAME!!! she will eventually just not yet.

—

harry had been hearing about some girl non-stop. by who, you may ask?

his mother.

his sweet, kind mother somehow found a girl who was living on the streets, took her in (gave her his room!), and is obsessed with her.

“oh, harry, she’s just the sweetest! gemma says she’s like a kicked puppy, but she’s just so sweet. this morning, i woke up, and she’d cleaned the whole house! and i asked her why, because i obviously didn’t tell her to, and she said she figured she should. you’d love her. proper sweetheart.”

and honestly, it was sweet. he probably would like her if he wasn’t the way he is. because the way he is, he thinks it’s a trap. he thinks she was never really living on the streets, and it’s a ploy. someone found his family and is trying to ruin it.

but, of course, he’d never let his mother know of the way he actually is and thinks, or what he does for a living.

“she sounds lovely, mum. what did you say her name was?”

“she says it’s belle. she’s always singing some french song. i think she lived in france before she got here.. i’m not sure. she isn’t very talkative.”

“she got an accent?”

“a little bit of everything, hazza. when will you come visit? i think you have to be the one to tell her that your room is hers now. she keeps saying ‘harry’s room’ and ‘your son’s room’. i feel horrible!”

“she’s probably just weary mum. if she was on the streets before, she probably just doesn’t want to jinx it.”

“you’re right.. gosh, she won’t even let gemma and i buy her things. she just borrows gemma’s clothes and apologizes a bunch for it. i’m not sure what to do.”

“i’ll come visit soon.”

—

and he did. a surprise visit in the middle of the night, because he was convinced he’s find this belle girl doing shady things .

except when he snuck in the front door, the house was quiet.

alright, he supposes, she’s stealthy.

so he goes upstairs and quietly opens his bedroom door.

and that’s when it’s a little louder. a girl is twisted and turning and mumbling in her sleep on his bed.

all she is saying, from what he can hear, is no. no, no, no, no, no. please, no.

and he feels a little bad, so he walks over to tap her. when that doesn’t work, he shakes her.

her eyes snap open and she has probably the worst reaction possible in this situation.

she fucking screams. like a goddamn banshee.

and sure, it lasts for maybe five seconds, probably four, but she definitely woke his mother up. and it’s so loud, he backs up to the doorway.

gemma was probably still passed out. she would sleep through the world ending.

“hey! it’s just me, calm down!”

she squinted at him through the darkness before yanking the chain on the lamp, turning it on.

he could hear her practically hyperventilating from the doorway.

she let out a sigh of relief when she recognized him from the photos in the living room.

“you really are jumpy, huh?”

“i woke up to a random man hovering over me,” she deadpans.

he almost laughs.

“it’s my room.”

and it’s like a fucking switch. her breaths are staggered and labored, but she still rushes out a whole ass monologue. kicked puppy, indeed.

“oh, my god. i am so sorry. i forgot. i can— i can take the couch— you probably want to sleep in your bed. i’m sorry, anne didn’t say you were coming by or else i would’ve cleaned up—“

the room is spotless, probably cleaner than when he stays in it, but harry doesn’t say that.

“i’ll just.. grab my blanket and stuff and go to the couch. i’m so sorry, i didn’t know—“

“relax,” he finally says. “i knew you’d be in here. i was just.. grabbing a pillow. didn’t realize mum was serious about you being jumpy.”

“oh.. uh.. are you sure? i can take the couch—“

“belle— belle, right?” she nods. “go back to bed. i have slept on plenty of couches. i will survive.”

“i feel bad.”

“well, don’t.”

he should feel bad. she is very clearly not dangerous unless she is a phenomenal actress.

“you’re not mad, are you? because i can sleep on the couch—“

“jesus, are y’gonna cry?”

“i can’t help it! i’m sorry!—“

“what on earth is going on— harry! what did you do!” anne asked as she rushed through the doorway, moving to sit next to belle.

“i didn’t do anything!” he defends.

“he didn’t do anything, anne,” she repeats. “just.. frightened me, is all.”

anne gives her a look before pulling her into a hug, and she just flips another switch and instead of watering eyes, she sobs.

who the hell is her acting coach? maybe he could take a few lessons.

“h, go get her a cuppa.. and there’s those baby yogurt melts in the cupboard.”

he doesn’t comment on the fact that belle is at the very least 19, and probably shouldn’t be eating baby food.

��

the next morning, belle made her way downstairs quietly. she was surprised to see harry making a cup of tea this early, but she didn’t say anything, not wanting to disturb his peace.

she adjusted her earbuds in her ear (anne offered to buy her better ones, airpods or something, but she was fine with her earbuds, even if the wire was a pain in the ass), so they didn’t fall out as she walked.

once she made it into the kitchen, she walked into the pantry, grabbing some random granola bar.

when she turned, she jumped. harry was right behind her. well, in front of her now.

“sorry,” she mumbled, moving out of his way.

he muttered something she didn’t understand.

“um.. sorry about.. last night. i’m kind of jumpy.”

“i noticed.”

he was very short. he didn’t seem to like her much.

“you can.. uh.. take your.. room back.. if you want.”

“it’s yours. i’m fine.”

“are you—“

“i’m sure.”

rude. why was he so rude? what had she done to him? well, besides scream at him, but in her defense, he was just hovering over her! that’s weird!

—

harry still didn’t trust her after a week of being there. she kept to herself for the most part, although he was pretty sure he heard her and gemma giggling in the middle of the night.

he just couldn’t figure out who sent her. why she was here.

his mother explained her freakout when he showed up eventually.

“you gotta be careful with her, h. she’s like.. a bunny, in a way. if you aren’t careful in how you approach her and speak to her, she bolts. first day she was here, i asked her what happened, because she had this horrible cut on her cheek. locked herself in your room for a week. i think whatever put her on the streets is a sensitive topic, and was difficult for her.”

“i jus’ dunno if i trust her, mum.”

“well, i do. she’s sweet, she just needs to warm up to you. she warmed up to me and gemma after about a week or two.. and she’s been more jumpy when gem brings michael around. so.. she might just need a minute.”

“the whole thing just seems.. shady.”

“she’ll tell us when she’s ready. and until then, you’ll make her feel welcomed. speaking of, i’m gonna go wash her clothes. poor girl won’t let us buy her anything. she just has these same clothes she had and a few things gemma convinced her to use.”

—

a/n: little thing i wrote on a plane, part 2 soon-ish maybe

[amomentsescape]

Hello! So I am such a sucker for one bed tropes and I havent seen any with my favourite Gotham characters so Can I request a Riddler, Oswald (separately) with a reader(future S/O) where they are stuck in a situation with one bed trope. You can write either headcanon or drabble. Which one is easy for you. My english is not really good but I hope I explained good. And Thank you!

Sharing a Bed

Oswald Cobblepot x Reader, Edward Nygma x Reader

A/N: I love this trope! Thank you so much!

Oswald Cobblepot

Hiding from danger is just another typical Tuesday for Oswald

But he now finds himself in an even trickier situation with you

You may not realize it now, but Oswald has taken quite a liking to you

And even though you don't notice it, his enemies do

Which is why you two found yourselves in this current predicament

You were currently hiding out in a pretty luxurious suite

Even though Oswald was trying to keep you safe, he still had standards

That being said, he didn't think the location through very well

He was already ushering you over to the lone bed in the room, putting your stuff on it in hopes that there would be no question about it

"I think you should have the bed," you insisted, not wanting him to be uncomfortable

He shook his head

"No, no. You will be taking the bed. I likely won't even get to sleep tonight."

You frowned but decided not to push it further

You were all tucked in and ready to sleep, but you couldn't get yourself to shut your eyes

Instead, you kept stealing glances at Oswald, focusing on the way his brows furrowed and mouth tightened at all the paperwork in front of him

He was planning something big

You enjoyed spending time with him during these crucial moments, but they always left you confused

Why did he keep you around more than anyone else?

His irritated look immediately softened when he met your eyes, trying to convince himself that you most definitely were not blushing at being found out

He gave you a soft smile and looked back to the files

With this, you felt yourself relax enough to close your eyes, immediately drifting off

You didn't know how much time had passed when you shot up from the bed, your forehead covered in sweat

A nightmare, you assumed, although you couldn't remember much about it

Oswald was by your side in an instant, his face etched in worry

"Are you okay, my dear?" he asked softly, not even noticing the nickname he just gave you

You nodded and tried to offer a small smile

After a few moments to slow your breathing, Oswald hesitantly stood back up, heading towards his desk

However, in a moment of shocking confidence, your hand shot out and reached for him

He spun around immediately

"I-it's getting late, and I-" your voice cracked. "Will you stay with me, please?"

Oswald's cheeks turned a light shade of pink at this question, watching you scoot over slightly

He glanced over to his desk for just a moment, already having made up his mind

He shrugged out of his overcoat quickly and climbed in next to you, laying on his side to face you

You did the same and smiled at him

"Thank you for keeping me safe, Ozzie," you whispered

The smile didn't leave your face as you closed your eyes gently

Oswald reached for your cheek but hesitated, not wanting to scare you

Instead, he placed his hand carefully over your own, his heartbeat thumping quickly in his chest

Edward Nygma

Escaping from Arkham was no easy task

This meant that you two couldn't exactly be picky with where you ended up hiding

Ed had a couple "connections" thankfully, so you two found yourselves at a rather desolate motel

It would only be for the night

But when you entered the room, you both happened to stare at the lone bed in the the middle, the tension immediately building in the air

"I can take the chair," you offered quickly

You didn't want to put yourself in any more stress than needed

It had already been life risking to breakout of the asylum

And the last thing you needed was to make things awkward for the one person you cared about

He had his moments of course, but the mind of Edward Nygma was fascinating to you

You found his riddles entertaining

And he was truly a breath of fresh air compared to all the other crazy inmates

He made you feel seen and validated

And his voice was always just a bit softer whenever he spoke to you

He promised to save you from that place

It was no wonder you fell for him as quickly as you did

But Ed was a logical man

He had no time for love and feelings, you were sure of it

You could hear him scoff beside you

"Don't be ridiculous. I'll take the chair."

You managed to finally raise your gaze to his, heart racing at the realization that he was already looking back at you

"No, it's okay. I'm fine with-"

"There will be no argument," he stated matter-of-factly

Maybe it was the exhaustion of the day, or maybe it was all the anxiety, but you found yourself snapping back almost instantly

"After everything you've done for me, I insist on returning the favor in some way. Take the bed, please."

Edward seemed to go silent at this

You could tell by the way he was chewing on his cheek that he was assessing some thought

After a few moments, he finally let out a sigh

"The bed is surely big enough for the both of us..."

Your face turned red at the thought

He immediately began to backtrack

"But of course, your comfort is my main concern, so please don't agree if-"

You immediately plopped down on one side of the bed, leaving an empty spot beside you

Ed hesitantly made his way into the bed with you

The first 15 minutes of attempted sleep consisted of you two lying on your backs, a whole foot of space between you

You shivered a bit at the lack of heating in the room

Edward unknowingly scooted a bit closer to you, concerned about you being uncomfortable

You couldn't help but scoot a little closer to the middle as well, feeling drawn to him

He finally turned to look at you

His eyes were tired but worried

"It's cold," you whispered

He just nodded once and turned back to the ceiling

His lack of response made you feel a bit sick to the stomach, so you turned the other way so he wouldn't see your disappointment

You were almost asleep several minutes later when you felt his body press against yours, his arm wrapping tightly around you

"Goodnight," he whispered softly

[youcouldmakealife]

Stuff That Helps Me Write: Procrastination Busting (Intro)

My entire writing process, I've learned, boils down to trickery.

I'm the queen of procrastination (I think that royal title automatically comes with your ADHD diagnosis). That applies to literally everything: I will procrastinate eating. Sleeping. Hydrating. Bathroom breaks. Working. Not working. Doing shit I am actively looking forward to. I have a graveyard of games I never finished because I got too close to the end and my brain went ‘I’m enjoying this too much to finish, So I guess I’ll just never play it again’.

So obviously writing’s no exception to my ability to postpone doing anything and everything, but for some reason, it’s impacted less than everything else. So why?

Because it’s my job, but that goes for literally every other part of my job too, and I can procrastinate just fine on those parts. Just look at how long publication takes me.

Because I frequently hyperfocus on it, but in order to get into that state of mind I still have to start, and that’s the part that procrastination impacts the most.

Because I enjoy writing, but as I’ve just said, enjoyment has no bearing on whether I’ll do it. Ditto the fact I find it meaningful, and satisfying, and am invested in where it’s going. None of that makes something immune to procrastination. In fact, as those poor video games show, sometimes that makes me more likely to procrastinate.

So why don’t I generally procrastinate writing?

The fact that it's my job, and I enjoy it, and find it adds meaning to my life, all have in no way made me less likely to procrastinate, but they have meant that for 20+ years, I have been methodically figuring out workarounds for said procrastination. Things will work for a little while, until procrastination inevitably pops right back up with a new excuse, and then I have to figure out a workaround for that one. It’s been a very extended game of whack-a-mole, but I now have an entire toolbox to work with, and writing is now the most consistent thing in my life, only second to reading, which I basically do daily, and don’t consider a ‘habit’ to work on any more than most would consider watching TV or playing video games every day a ‘habit’ to work on.

Now, when I say consistency, I don’t mean I write on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays at 5:30 am with a lit candle and a fragrant mug of tea like I have been told to do (writing guides all seem to require writing before dawn, which is something I only ever do accidentally, wrapping up a ‘whoops, got an idea in the middle of the night’ session).

I have found some things help with that sort of consistency (and that may be another post), but I'm not that kind of consistent. Every week looks different. Every day looks different. But on average I write between 200k and 300k a year, at a rate of between 1000-1500 words a working day. My schedule may vary — I might write five days one week, three days another, might write double one week to the next, might write 12,000 or 30,000 in a month. But when I zoom out, I'm consistent as fuck on a long-term basis (with the caveat that shit can happen, such as family emergencies or ol' bastard eye acting up again)

So uh, how?

All the common wisdom is has been distinctly unhelpful, in my experience. Treats don’t work on me, as I am aware I can just…not do the thing and have the treat anyway. Rewards don’t work on me, because ‘thing in nebulous future’ doesn’t have much to do with me now, does it? Holding myself hostage (‘no dinner/break/bathroom break until you write’) does not work, and should not be done, because those things aren’t rewards, they’re basic bodily functions (…apparently).

This is, I’ve learned, literally due to my wiring. Neurotypical people have an importance based nervous system. Motivating factors for tasks are the task's importance to them (duh) or someone they care about, the rewards associated with completion of the task (offer yourself a treat! Reward yourself at the end!), and the consequences associated with not completing the task.

None of that works on me. Like. At all.

It was only in recent years I learned about the interest based nervous system, and how it’s motivated by completely different things. Things that work to motivate me involve novelty, challenge (some will use competition interchangeably here, but I am not a particularly competitive person), urgency, and, well, interest.

And in hindsight, every single trick that’s ever worked for has touched on at least one of those categories.

I’m going to stop here, because I am literally procrastinating on writing Robbie by writing this, and the irony is too much for me right now, but I think that a larger than average portion of my readership may also be helped by tricks that specifically target novelty, challenge, urgency, and interest.

So, next week — an actual bullet pointed list of shit that tricks my brain into doing the thing. Some are more targeted to writing, some can be applied to plenty of things, but all of them have, at one time or another, made me Do the Thing, which, as the queen of procrastination, is a damn triumph.

[sacredasexual]

~ ♡A Late Night Talk ♡ ~ (Sad Inosuke x GenderNuteral Reader! Reverse Comfort)

(This isn't an Agere Inosuke post like I usually do. I just wanted to write some fluff and some reverse comfort😭)

______________________________________________________________

Upon waking up at around 2:43 in the morning, Y/N would obviously try to get back to sleep. After around 10 minutes, they couldn’t fall back asleep. They sighed and stood up, maybe getting some water would help? They quietly began walking out of the room and down the hallways of The Butterfly Estate. However, they quickly realized that a door to the outside was open. Confused, Y/N slowly and cautiously stepped towards the door, peering out only to see Inosuke, he was crying? Stunned, as Y/N had never seen him cry before, they stepped forward just once as the floor creaked. Inosuke spun his head around at what seemed like the speed of light and noticed Y/N and nearly instantly, he started to get very defensive towards them.

“"H-Hey!!! What are you looking at, idiot!? Why are you awake?!" He snapped, while he wiped his tears that just continued falling.

Not really phased by his yelling, Y/N replied.

"…Inosuke? Are you alright?” Y/N uttered, concerned for the feral boy.

"S-Shut up! I'm fine! Just go back to bed!" Inosuke yelled, not seeming to care that it was in the middle of the night.

Inosuke was still crying when he was yelling. It sounded like he was holding back a lot of stuff but he was still trying to hide it.

Y/N was silent for a few seconds before speaking again.

"Y'know if you don't want to tell me anything that's fine. That's not any of my business to pry into. But like hell am I gonna leave you here alone when there's clearly something that's seriously upsetting you.” They insisted.

Inosuke seemed a bit surprised that they had stayed and didn't just go back to bed.

"What's it to you anyway?! It's not like you care!" He said harshly, looking away from Y/N.

Although he was being rude and harsh he was still on the brink of crying and was trying his best to keep this in to be the strongest.

Y/N tilted their head a bit, raising an eyebrow.

"Who said that? Who ever said I didn't care? I have no idea who told you that but they're a damn liar. I do care. A lot, actually." They stated."So you do care?..." Inosuke uttered, almost in disbelief.

He was actually starting to believe they cared but he didn't want to admit to it.

But he still wasn't completely convinced you cared just yet.

"I do, really." Y/N confirmed.

Y/N walked towards him before sitting down next to him.

"Look, there must be a reason for your tears. I don't think it's just that something got in your eye." They added.

Inosuke, still trying to maintain his tough guy act, rolled his eyes with his arms crossed and replied with a hard stare

"What do you know anyway?! It's nothing! Really. I swear! I'm just… tired. That's all. Now why don't you get back to bed, yeah…" He then tried to shoo Y/N away, hoping they'd give up.

Y/N shrugged.

"Y'know, you don't gotta tell me anything. But I'm not just gonna let you feel completely alone, that shit hurts. But you're not gonna find a solution just sulking alone looking into the dark. I should know, I've been trying that for a long time" They sighed.

That got to Inosuke a little bit, but he tried to act like he didn't care.

"Look, I'm just dealing with some stuff on my own and it's really nothing to worry about okay-" He paused.

Inosuke thought to himself; "Well damn… this is embarrassing…" Before speaking again.

"So again, I'm gonna ask you to go back to bed."

There was a moment of silence.

Y/N sighed a bit.

"…You don't deserve to feel all alone when shit hits the fan. So I'd love to sit and chill with you for a while. Talk about nothing in particular. Or just chill in silence for a bit. Whatever floats your boat really" They said after a bit.

This caught him a little off guard.

Inosuke was silent for a second, thinking to himself; "Are they serious? Are they really going to do this? I guess it would be nice though…"

He then cleared his throat, trying to sound tough again.

"Ugh…fine. You can stay but it's gonna be boring." He rolled his eyes, looking away.

"Fine by me" Y/N replied, shrugging and looking up into the night sky as rain began lightly peppering the ground.Y/N and Inosuke sat quietly for what felt like 20 minutes, just sitting and occasionally hearing the light rain drops hitting the ground. The night sky was beautiful, they could see some stars.

“…Hey." Inosuke spoke quietly after another minute passed.

“What'sup?” Y/N casually responded.

"…I'm sorry." He uttered.

He was thinking about how this was probably going to make him look weak but he really didn't care at this point. He just wanted someone to speak his mind too.

Y/N was a little caught off guard by this, usually he never says anything like that.

"Sorry for what?" They asked.

Inosuke sighed, his voice was back to being soft and not so tough.

"I'm sorry for being a dick. About a lot of stuff." He couldn't look Y/N in the eyes as he said this.

…

Y/N was silent for a second before they replied with a sigh.

"I'm not the type to hate easily. I figured that you've likely been through some real shit that forced you to build up walls to protect yourself. And the rudeness comes from wanting to protect yourself from future harm rather than for just being a jerk." They explained to him.

Inosuke was in complete shock that they knew that and actually understood and felt his actions were more than just him being a jerk.

"Well, I guess you got me there. I did go through something…pretty heavy before all this whole demon slaying started and I wanted to hide that side from everyone so I just became a jerk… and that kinda—” He stopped himself for a second.

He started thinking to himself.

"You're doing it again…stop talking so much! Your weakness is showing! Be quiet!" He mentally scolded himself.

He was about to continue before Y/N had spoken once more.

"I've been there myself before, Y'know? Acting a certain way purposely in order to protect yourself? Where you've gotten so used to it to where even the genuinely nice people you gotta push away because you can never fully know who and who not to trust. So believe me when I tell you I know exactly how you're feeling." Y/N had revealed this to him for the first time.

Inosukes jaw nearly dropped when Y/N confessed this to him, he was shocked that they actually have been through the exact same thing he had, it seemed like almost impossible.

"No fucking way…you've actually been through the same thing? You aren't just pitying me or lying to me?" He uttered in disbelief and a little bit of skepticism.

Y/N was silent for a second.

"In short, When I was little I was always bullied and harassed for being this type of kid who would just always be happy, chatty and ready to make friends and talk a lot. So as I grew older I forced myself to become more closed off, quiet and sort-of a loner to protect myself from further harassment. And even some genuinely nice people I'd avoid and purposely cause beef with. Just so I wouldn't have to worry about fully trusting them then the bend me over and fuck me hard, rough, and dry like the rest without remorse. Because I couldn't ever be sure of who was and who wasn't to be trusted. So I forced myself to act like everyone was my enemy so I wouldn't have to go through the pain of being harassed for who I really am again. So believe me when I say that I know exactly how you feel. Our experiences may have been different in scenarios, but had the same effect nonetheless" They told him.

Inosuke couldn't believe Y/N was being so open to him. Usually, people just ignored him once he was a dick to them…but they still stuck by even when he was rude.

"I-I… you really do know what that's like and you actually understood me and didn't just think I was being a dick for no reason." He looked down at his lap, feeling more and more comfortable with Y/N as time passed.

Rain started falling a little heavier."There's nothing you need to apologize for. You're just trying to protect yourself, and I understand that very well. It's unfortunate, but it's the sad truth. I can tell you didn’t really mean any harm. And when it ever comes down to it, you'll never let anyone walk alone when shit happens." Y/N uttered quietly to him.

Y/N had no idea how much that meant to Inosuke. Nobody had ever told him something so thoughtful or genuinely nice before. Well, aside from Tanjiro a couple of times. But sometimes he thinks it's forced. All he'd been told before was how he was a jerk, an idiot, or a dumbass. Inosuke was trying not to tear up, but it was hard. No matter what he tried, he'd probably end up crying in front of Y/N. which he didn't want.

"Uh… t-thank you… I really didn't deserve such nice words…" He shyly uttered.

A little more time had passed, before Y/N decided to tell him something else.

"Hey…This might not seem like much coming from just some demon girl like me, but if it helps even a little bit..I'll say it over and over again. In my eyes, you're perfect just the way you are. Your voice is soothing to listen to, your eyes are as beautiful as peridot gems, and your eyelashes just make it all the more better. It looks like your eyes were carved specially from a Wall of Peridot Gems in Heaven. I'm not just saying that. I genuinely mean it." They said softly to him.Inosuke didn't know what to say. For the first time in years, someone actually complimented him and meant it. Most people in the past just insulted him or called him a jackass. Inosuke couldn't help but tear up at this point which he regretted doing. He tried to be tough again, but his voice was still shaky.

"I-it's not like you really mean any of that… It's just out of pity. You don't actually mean any of it." He sighed, trying to hold back tears.

"Of course I mean it" Y/N replied without hesitation.

"And that's just physically…on the inside, I can tell you're sweet, caring, loyal, and everything anyone wishes to have in a person. They just don't want to work for it and think things automatically have to go their way. And that's not your fault. I may not know what all you've ever been through, but I can tell that no matter what it was..it impacts your life in a way you wish it didn't. It must hurt, it must be excruciating trying to seem 'normal' when all you've ever known is what you grew up knowing. That's not your fault.” They added.

Inosuke was trying not to burst out into full tears as he heard this. This was probably the most sincere thing anyone has ever told him, not just that. But someone actually thought these kind things were true about him?

“You…You think so?” He managed.

"I absolutely know so. And even though I'm not someone special like a Hashira or something…I hope it can bring you at least a little bit of comfort knowing that I'm proud of you. I'll always be proud of you. You've saved the lives of hundreds of people again and again just because you want to protect them. And in my book, that's the most honorable thing anyone could ever even hope to do. On top of that.. You keep doing it again and again, day by day, night by night even though you feel unappreciated. Inosuke.. You're a person that people should learn from. You have a heart of gold under the rough exterior. You aren't dumb. You've accomplished things that others would need to work years for to even begin to start getting to your level at. And even though I'm not anyone special, I want you to know that I see you, I hear you. And you never fail to impress me. I'm so proud of you.” Y/N sighed.

Inosuke's face began to turn red from embarrassment now on top of the tears that he can no longer fight back. He had no idea of how to respond to such kindness and sincerity. He was speechless and he was blushing.

"D-don't say such nice things… you'll j-just make me cry…" He once again, shyly uttered.

Y/N replied without a second's hesitation.

"Don't feel bad for crying. Cry as much as you need. Each tear represents how strong you've been. It's not a bad thing to cry, it's not something you should be ashamed about. All the tears that fall..wear them like a symbol of strength. Don't hide them. Let them all spill fourth if you need to let them. Because it's never a symbol of weakness..it's a sign of someone who's been strong for too long…it's okay to let yourself be vulnerable for a bit, let yourself rest. You deserve it." They reassured him.

The way Y/N spoke was so soothing and nice to hear. Inosuke was completely stunned, his eyes were red from tears as he looked down at the ground. He wished to wipe them but he refused to let himself be "weak" as he'd called it so many times in the past.

"I-I'm sorry… I don't like to show my feelings, you don't have to say such great things to me, I don't deserve to be treated so nicely…" He uttered, he had never sounded more insecure.

"Listen…Anyone who thinks otherwise, or makes it a goal to mistreat you. Don't believe that they're true. Instead, feel bad for them because they don't have a person like you in their lives. I'm not gonna tell you to just not listen to them. Because I know that's way easier said than done. It's hard to just ignore it when so many people say it again and again. They should be grateful to have you here, you're not only a blessing, you're an angel. You've done countless amazing things and never demanded something back. You did it or of the kindness in your heart. So those people who tell you that you're "heartless” or anything like that…It's not true. It's never true. And when you realize that it's not true, and instead realize how much of an amazing man you are just the way you are…It won't hurt as bad. Because no matter what they say, The truth will always remain the same" Y/N replied, no stuttering whatsoever. Inosuke was stunned with shock at such words, he wasn't used to such kindness. Most people thought of him as either rude, obnoxious, or conceited. He never ever thought anyone would call him an angel. He finally wiped his tears and looked over to Y/N, his eyes and his face was still a little bit red.

"Do… Do you really mean all of that? Do you really think that someone as selfish and horrible as I am is an angel like you said?" He managed out, fighting tears.

“Never say that again.” Y/N said sternly, before continuing.

"I've seen you risk your life countless times to ensure the safety of others. And you never demand anything back. And you do it all the time, again and again without thinking twice about it. That all comes from the good of your heart. Deep inside, I know your heart is big yet fragile, and it's easily broken. So you want to keep it from breaking again and the only way you know how to is to act like you don't care about anything else but fighting and being the best. That's not your fault. It's from unfortunate circumstances that left your heart in pieces again and again that you had no control over. It makes sense why you wouldn't want that to happen again. I see that you're trying, you're trying your best with every cell of your being. It's not your fault that others are too naive and stuck up that they don't realize it. If it helps you at all, I see how hard you're trying. And you're doing a great job, I'm proud of you for that. So saying you're selfish and horrible is wrong, completely wrong."

Another tear streamed down Inosuke's face as he heard Y/N speak. He couldn't believe it. It was all making sense, even though it was a bit hard to believe at first. He still looked away before speaking back.

"I-Is that really why I act like a jerk? Just to keep people away from me? Just because I don't want them to know how weak and unlovable I really am deep down?" He asked.

Y/N's heart broke for Inosuke.

"… Angel." They gently placed their hand on his shoulder, my other hand on his cheek, wiping away his tears with their thumb slowly.

"You are someone worth loving. Your love is the most pure thing the world would ever see. It is so unfortunate that you had to hide it all just to protect yourself. Deep inside, you're a gentle, sweet, affectionate, and loyal man. You're a diamond in the rough, darling. I know it gets hard, I know it makes you feel like you just want to scream. But just look at how far you've gotten, how many lives you've saved. You're incredible. And no, I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I'm telling the full unfiltered truth" They told Inosuke.Inosuke's eyes were teary as Y/N wiped his tears away. He felt like he was going to start bawling again the moment they touched him, which he despised doing because of how weak it made him look. He knew this would make him look like an idiot too, not only did he let someone tell him such nice things, but he was getting all teary eyed over something so simple. He spoke a bit softly as he took a few deep breaths to make sure he wasn't going to tear up again.

"You're too nice to someone who's not even half as great as—" He was cut off by Y/N.

"Sh.." They moved their finger to his lips.

"No. I love you because You're you. That's why. I don't care if you aren't 'perfect' because at the end of the day, no one is. That doesn't mean you're pathetic or anything of that sort. I love you because you've shown how kind you can really be. You've shown more loyalty than I've ever seen before. No matter what the situation, you'll always make sure everyone is safe even at the cost of your own life. That's what makes you an angel. You care so much for others despite how hidden it is." Y/N told him, not wanting him to believe anything else other than what they said.

A small smile came onto Inosuke's face. Someone really did love him just the way he was, flaws and all. He felt like he should still be ashamed of himself and that he shouldn't be appreciated by anyone, but for one person to accept him the way he was… that was a new feeling for him. Quietly, he replied back.

"Even though I keep trying to push people away from me? You're not upset with me or think I'm weird? Y-You really mean all of that?” He asked with genuine curiosity.

"Yes. I'll say it again and again if I have to, every day, every hour, every minute if I have to…as long as you know just how incredible you are, just the way you are. My Angel." Y/N assured him, looking into those beautiful peridot eyes.

Those precious words felt like they could heal even the most incurable wounds. The way Y/N kept calling Inosuke "Their Angel" had a way of soothing his pain, no one had ever called him something like that before. He was so overwhelmed with love, that he didn't say anything and instead, threw his arms around Y/N and hugged them, sobbing into their shoulders. Y/N was a little stunned at the sudden hug. This was the first ever time he had hugged them. But of course, they didn't protest and instead hugged him back immediately.

"C'mere Angel…Just let it all out, it's okay" They hugged him like he was the most sacred being in the entire multiverse.

Inosuke had spent so long not letting himself be vulnerable that it just finally spilled out all at once, he hugged Y/N so tightly it almost felt like he could snap them in half. He was sobbing and crying intensely into their shoulder, not even trying to hold back at this point like he normally would. He kept murmuring words like "thank you" over and over again in between sniffles and sobs.

Y/N brushed their fingers though Inosukes beautiful black and blue gradient hair.

"We can stay together all night if you want to, I'd be perfectly happy with it" They told him.

Y/N wrapped their arm around Inosukes waist and pulled him close, his head was lighting resting on their chest now.

Now that Inosuke was leaning on them, he was more relaxed than ever. He still didn't release his hold on them, he did seem a bit tired now though as he was still sniffling and weeping into their shoulder.

"Do you really mean that? I'm not keeping you from getting a good night's sleep, am I?" He asked, sounding genuinely concerned forY/N’s wellbeing, which was extremely rare to see yet extremely sweet as well.

"If I'm being completely honest, I think I'll be able to sleep a lot better beside you" Y/N replied.

Inosuke let out another sniffle and smiled as he heard their reply. He snuggled even closer to Y/N, not saying much else but simply holding them in a loving embrace and burying his head against their neck and shoulder.

"Oh, and by the way, before you fall asleep…" Y/N paused before placing a little kiss on his forehead.

"…I figured you'd like that. Forehead kisses ensure good dreams" They laughed a bit.

Inosuke froze when Y/N kissed his forehead. He felt his cheeks light up as he turned a bit red, his face was still buried in their shoulder so they couldn't see if it was obvious or not.

"N-No one's ever kissed my forehead before… I liked it. A lot." He said, a cute blush prominent across his cheeks.

He snuggled closer once more, his eyelids starting to get a bit heavy as he started to succumb to sleep. Soon, Inosuke did fall asleep. He seemed much more at peace and comfortable than usual. His grip on them loosened and his body went limp as he fell into the void of sleep. He seemed to be completely at ease now and looked to be truly resting peacefully. Y/N smiled softly. He looked so cute and so peaceful.

"Rest well, Angel…"

[manaofflame]

This is some pre-canon one-shot fic practice that may be implemented into the comic. I only made this because of the new art I did, which is below. Some art note, I am just trying out various color profile view thing that the digital art application I used have, because I'm not sure if I'm bad at coloring and choosing color or it's the color profile, I don't know, just trying things out. Siffrin is not a good candidate for this, since his color palette is black and white, oops, but I'm trying stuff out and improving... I hope... Uh, I hope you enjoy!

(Warning: Nothing morbid like blood or worse, but just for people who likes good grammar. I'm bad with past, present and future tense, so, sorry about this. Also, I am bad at remembering some vocabulary, even some basic words! So the writing can feel... simple. Anyway, that's all!)

Sorry for another interruption, this is just in case some technical error happen. You see, some times, when I tried to create some paragraph spacing in the middle of all of these words, some of the paragraphs just straight up vanished and never came back, at least in my screen it doesn't. So I'm not sure if when I post this, those paragraphs will pop out of nowhere. If it does, I will see if I can deal with it. Not sure if this is a common problem, but it happened to me.

Mirabelle is feeling very anxious and nervous. Recently, they had retrieved the fourth orb after a hard battle with the sadness that guards it. With one left to go, their journey is nearing to it's end.

She hadn't been able to sleep, so she decided to take a walk around, to calm herself down.

She stopped suddenly when she spotted Siffrin, looking up at the night sky, looking at the stars again (she's not sure why he likes to do it. She supposed it's pretty, but she felt that there's more to it than simple observation).

She shouldn't be surprise or startled to find Siffrin in the dead of night, and seeing no one is awake right now (or outside like they are), she...

"Siffrin." She softly called out to Siffrin, trying not to startle him, though it seems he already noticed her presence. He's very good at sensing presence amongst the party, it's what allowed him to find Bonnie that time when the rest of them didn't noticed the child.

"Mira, shouldn't you be in bed?" Siffrin asked.

"I should, but I can't sleep. And so should you. I know you like being up at night, but... it's not healthy, being up at night all the time, and we need to be ready and good to go to keep journeying, and... and..." Mirabelle tries to find more answers, but she ran out of it.

"...Mira, you are worried... Why?" Siffrin asked, looking concern. Mirabelle feels a bit jealous that Siffrin is not feeling anxious or worried about this journey at all. She wished she had that kind of confidence. Still, despite that, Mirabelle knows by now, from the time she journeyed with him alongside with everyone, that he's a kind and caring person.

Despite her initial worries due to his mysterious aura and other factors when he first joined, Mirabelle is glad to asked him to join her and help her to save Vaugarde when he saved her and everyone from that powerful sadness.

"I'm.. just worried. We are closing in the end of the journey, there's only one orb left to get before we head to Dormont to get to the House Of Change to defeat the King, but... what if something happen?!"

"Mira."

"What if... one of us die? What if they are crippled permanently for life? What if... What if..."

"Mira, stop. Listen to me."

Mirabelle stops, looking at Siffrin, who's looking at the stars with pained expression, as if thinking of some unpleasant things like memories or something else. He then turns to Mirabelle with a reassuring face.

"It will be alright, Mira. I won't let anything happen to anyone. I won't. Isa, Odile, Bonbon, and you. I won't let anything happen to you." Siffrin declared with a small smile.

...She knows. Siffrin would look out for everyone, and lead everyone to safety, disarming traps and looking out for enemies, making sure nothing bad happen to them.

"..Thanks, Siffrin. I suppose I should stay positive! No need to bring down the morals." Mirabelle replied with a smile, feeling a bit better.

"No problem, I hope it helps." Siffrin hides beneath his hat. Is he being shy again? Cute!

Mirabelle hopes nothing bad will happen to her or anyone, and of course, Siffrin. He's her and their friend after all! She now feel like she could go back to sleep now. She hoped one day she could hug and group hug with Siffrin, but due to his weird aversion to touch as Odile called it, she sadly could not. She hoped one day she could though.

[princesssmars]

something new pt.II

a monet de haan x reader

the royals of constance billiard have invited you into their ranks, and the princess seems to have a motive.

contains: slighttt angst for kinda shitty parents in the start/middle. mostly fluff and me loving monet. maybe some ooc moments. the writing style changing every section. not really proof read we die like men.

a/n: writing this i realized that the group in ggrb does. not have a name. so corny ass "the royals" it is ! <3 this took me forever but im inspired by gg spotify playlists and pure gay yearning. also what the hell do you call someone with black hair.

.

.

.

if there's one thing you should have expected from becoming friends with the royals of constance billard, it was how quickly they got stuff done.

on your way home from the charity benefit hall, you opened your phone to see that the six enigmas you had met at the party had all followed you and already added you to a group chat. as soon as you open it you already see audrey tagging you and telling you how you're all meeting up tomorrow to go shopping, apparently. lucky you.

once you arrived at your parents townhouse, maybe one of the only things you found bearble at this point was your new home, for its gorgeous interior and exterior and your spacious room, you rushed inside and up to your room so as to avoid whatever bullshit about your behavior they're going to chastise. after cleaning yourself up and getting ready for bed, you laid down and typed ‘sounds like a plan. see u tmmrw.’

putting your phone on your nighstand to charge, you were left to stare at your ceiling and ponder over what happened tonight and asking why. why did these people gravitate to you so quickly? did they just want another rich kid to add to their posse? you knew people just used each other often in your world of the rich and powerful, but god did it seem unappealing.

as much as you hated to admit it, you wanted real friends. hell, maybe even a girlfriend.

as the thought crossed your mind, a certain brown skinned girl with ombre twists crossed your mind, making you jolt up in bed.

“no…no no no dont do that.” you whisper and smack your cheeks, trying to convince yourself that no, you didnt have a crush on probably the most beautiful girl you've ever seen. that was crazy. pure insanity.

it made no sense. you could tell the kind of person she was, the queen bee, (technically the queen bee's second hand, intriguing), the girl everyone wanted or wanted to be and she knew it.

she also seemed a bit mean, which you were normally into.

but you didnt want to get yourself hurt.

not after what happened last time.

and so you fall asleep, thinking of pretty clothes and fake smiles.

youre rudely awakened by your alarm at around eight am, set the night before so you could get ready for the day ahead. you get up from bed, struggling to not check your notifications and messages on your phone before making your way to your on suite bathroom. in there you do your usual morning routine, rinsing off your body in the shower and doing your facial routine at the sink.

once youre finished, you head over to your closet to pick out an outfit when youre phone starts ringing. you see the caller id is max, and you swipe on the green to answer. "hello? you get up ths early too?"

"nah, but i had a feeling you would be. seem like the early bird type." max's voice drawls through the phone, still deep with the effects of sleep. "are you up at the asscrack of dawn because youre excited or because youre used to it?"

you laugh slightly, flipping through your pants and your skirts. "a bit of both, actually. my parents always made me get up really early so i know i have time to do everything. but the sunrise is also pretty."

max's voice laughs through the phone. "thats a good reason, ill admit. personally i like the sunset better."

"then i guess we've come to an empasse..." your voice trails off, finally finding a suitable outfit for looking nice but also being comfy while you walk around. "im about to get dressed, should i call you back?"

"nope put me on speaker, we've got things to talk about before we go shopping today." he states. youre confused, but put the speaker on anyway, giving him the go ahead to start talking.

"alright, youve probably already guessed this because you seem smart, but we all kinddd of want something from you." his bluntness makes you giggle.

"want something? from me? i sure hope its not my money." you joke, smiling as you hear his playful scoff from the phone.

"trust me, we're covered on that front. it was really julien and monets idea to bring you into the group, which congrats for getting in at the speed of light, by the way. i wasnt expecting any new additions considering weve all been mostly best friends for years."

this was monets idea?, you think to yourself as you finally wiggle into your clothing. there was a bit of a connection last night, but you didnt think it was strong enough for someone as seemingly impassive as her to start indoctrinating you into her friend group.

"what do you mean by mostly? you all seemed close from what i saw." you question.

max sighs through the phone, telling you that you might have guessed wrong. "its...a bit complicated. ill explain more of it later. my dads are calling me for breakfast. by the way, do you want me to pick you up later? i dont mind."

"sure, i want to hear all of the group secrets on the way there, though." you joke, laughing harder when he gives a fake laugh through the phone before saying your goodbyes.

after youve gotten dressed and made sure you had everything, you head downstairs to get a quick morning snack before the drive.

after grabbing your quick bite, youre stopped in your tracks by the sight of your mother in the doorway. she's wearing sportswear and her skin is slightly sweaty, meaning she just came back from her morning run. she eyes the food in your hand and you scoff, brushing past her to the front door.

for the next few minutes you stand in front of your home, scrolling through your socials and lightly listening to music until a honk makes you jerk your head up. in front of the sidewalk sits a very nice white car, with a smiling brunette boy looking straight at you.

"hurry up! i dont wanna hear audrey badger me for being late." he yells, making you match his bright smile. you get comfortable in the front seat, already vibing with the song he has playing from his spotify and the sweet smell of his car.

"do you really use a jelly bean air freshener?"

"i needed one that fit my personality."

"ah, i was wondering why i liked you so much."

throughout the drive to the mall, you get closer and laugh more with max, showing each other your favorite songs and laughing at each others lip syncing. after a few minutes, you finally ask him the question thats been on your mind.

"what did you mean earlier when you said you all...mostly got along?"

he stares straight at the road for a few seconds, the corner of his lips quirking up. "do you still talk to the people youve known since you were little? and i mean really little-preschool age."

you think about it beofre shaking you head. because of your parents frequent moving, you didnt make any solid connections. hopefully that would change soon.

"well youre kinda lucky. it sounds great when youre young to be best friends forever but in high school people...change. it starts slowly at first but it gets more noticable. i mean, when we were kids aki was like the mediator of the group, but now hes more impassive. audrey was the mother hen but now shes more overbearing, the list goes on." he rants, his voice sounding more melancholic as he goes on. "dont get me wrong, i love my friends but...everythings changing."

you nod along as he talks about his worries, giving him someone to vent to and taking in all of the information hes telling you.

.

.

.

max parks and you both make your way to the entrance, and he laughs at the look on your face when he says next time you should use the subway.

once inside, the rest of your new group of "friends" come up to you both.

"yn! i hope you made it here alright, hopefully max didnt talk your ear off on the way here." aki says, standing in front of you hand in hand with audrey, who smiles at you.

"youre just soo funny, menzies. you really should pursue a career in comedy." max jokes dryly, punching his friend in the arm playfully. as they start a playful arument, audrey takes your hand and pulls you over to where her and julien were standing.

"its so nice to see you again, yn," julien greets you and takes your arm in hers, audrey taking the one on your other side, "todays gonna be so fun, i promise. monet and luna are over in gucci, but i was thinking of heading over to saks..."

"why dont we meet them in gucci? then we can all shop together..." you suggest, your voice trailing off when you catch the look max is giving you in the corner of your eye.

julien smiles, tugging you along.

you get to the store, eyeing the collection of clothing, purses, and shoes. after a few seconds of looking around, your eyes connect with monets from across the store.

luna is next to her, the noirette talking lowly while shes observing a heel in her hand. but monets eyes stay on you, humming along to whatever shes saying-

"i think this would look pretty on you, yn," audreys soft voice yanks you out of your trance, holding up a cropped coat up to your chest, observing it from all angles.

"yeah, you're right. but its still august, isnt it a little too soon for a coat?"

"it'll get cold quick." monets voice pops up from the other side of audrey, startling you a bit. "didnt you live in maine previously? i wouldve thought all they had was lobsters and snow."

"i traveled with my parents in the winter months often, so i didnt feel the cold. but there were some perks of living there. a lot less...trash."

monets eyes widen and audrey barely stifles a laugh at your comment, the former slightly glaring at the two of you. audrey composes herself quickly.

"monet is right, once it hits late september the temperature starts dropping quick. youre buying it." audrey thrusts the piece of clothing in your hand, starting to look for more in the expensive collection.

monet still stands in front of you, smiling at you with an emotion in her eyes you cant quite place. but if you had to guess, it was nothing good for you.

"what do you want from me?" your bluntness shocks her out of her stupor, the girl crossing her hands on her chest.

"why do you think i want something from you?"

"lets not act coy. i just got here and your merry little band is trying to make me feel as if ive been here for years, and i know you have something to do with it."

she continues to smile at you, tapping her manicured finger on her arm. "and just why would i do something like that? i dont even know you."

alright, this was just pissing you off. "look, im not gonna turn into one of your little pawns. so whatever dumb ass game you're playing, leave me out of it."

"oh, yn," she sighs, bringing her hand up smooth her soft hand down your face, "you're already on the board. and trust me, when the time comes for choosing, youll wanna be on our side. now, lets go shopping, hm?"

you open your mouth to rebuttal but she shuts you up with a wave of her hand, moving directly to your left to loop your arms together and continue walking through the store.

.

.

.

despite some hesitance brought on by your inherent suspicion and monets ominous words, you will admit you had some fun with the group at the mall and going around to see the sights of new york.

but maxs comment from the car rung in your head often, and you noticed how they all had little groups within them. monet and luna mostly stayed to themselves if they weren't getting julien picture perfect for a picture. said julien really only seemed to connect with audrey, talking to obie but his face looked...conflicted?

during your observation your eyes yet again catch on monets, who just gives you a little smile and a wave.

you had a feeling this wouldnt end well for you.

eventually the sun starts to set and conversations start to dull, with julien suggesting you all come to her place and chill and to record some stuff for her instagram. julien calls her drivers to pick you up, but because of the uneven number, someone is going to have to sit by themselv-

"join me in the second car. i wanna talk." monet whispers from behind you, causing a shiver to go down your spine at the sudden nature of it and her closeness. intrigued you oblige, crawling into the back of the suv behind her and settling in.

its quiet for a handful of seconds, only the faint noise of the city and the moving car surrounding you.

"what do your parents do?"

the question throws you off. you would have thought she had done extensive digging on your history.

"theyre in the investing business. they just look to colleges with the most promising alumni and fund their programs. guess they also invest in start up businesses. but frankly i dont care and want nothing to do with it, and im confused at why you're asking me this."

she sighs, as if debating if she wants to speak - or really if she doesnt. she closes her eyes and rubs one of her temples with her fingers before pushing what she wants to say out.

"im asking because i want you on my side. everyone treats me like im just one of juliens dumb followers and that what i do is a joke but its not. i want to actually do something and make a business for myself, thats why i push her so hard. i dont want to join my familys company and i can tell you dont either."

you nod along to her words, not going to ignore her opening up to you. "buttt what do you need me on your side for? are you going to start some kind of war or..."

"i love julien, i really do. we've known each other since before we started teething. but shes changing and becoming this...sentimental wannabe good girl and i know eventually shes gonna leave me and my management in the dust. when it happens i need something to fall back on."

"so what, you do all of this shit for me just to be your back up plan?"

"i did it because i need to trust you. and i need you to trust me." she states, looking you dead in the eyes. you can see the sincerity in her eyes, and you hope its real because if not she was a really good liar. "besides, i know alll about what happened at your last school. you may try to act like some impassive above it, all cool girl attitude, but i know we're a lot more alike than you think."

your heart stops the same time the car does. the sincerity is still there, but nows its sinister. manipulative. and if you were being honest, kinda hot.

"think about what i said. and dont mention this to the others, ok?" monet composes herself, getting out from over you when the door is opened and youre still frozen in place.

you're snapped back into reality when she grabs your hand and helps you out, pressing her shoulder to yours as you walk into the lobby of juliens building. you dont know whether to be scared or excited when she whispers in your ear again.

"it can be our first little secret."

.

.

.

this. took me forever. and kicked my ass. but season two is here so i rushed. id appreciate any feedback bc ik the plot right now feels messy but hope yall enjoyed anyway <333

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary306

7/21-22/24

sunday - monday

hallo... i need to sleep...

i barely slept yesterday... because of a...medical issue, i guess is the best way to put it. if it keeps up i will explain but it's not terribly new it's just very annoying this time around.

today i finished that song for the contest, here that is:

people seemed to like it, they said it was happy sounding, they're right, it basically is, i named the song that for a reason, usually for the contests i try to go with something rather meaningless, i dunno why, anyway this song feels like it gets close to capturing how i feel when it rains. especially that part in the middle that's super, i dunno, dreamy is not really the right word but it feels distantly shoegaze-y to me. it's also the song having a grindcore moment, definitely, in its own way.

although the way i feel about rain is also a little melancholy, cuz it doesn't last long out here. it's very fleeting except for when it's strong, when it's strong it feels strange and religious.

i did work some more samples into it, barely audible hihat loops on top of the programmed hihats, which are also samples, but they're just single hits arranged. the layers i think being barely perceptible does add a lot to the song, honestly, it adds some pace/cacophony where there was less before, and it doesn't distract, plus they're going into a spring reverb so they're creating a bit more of a sense of space, as well.

anyway, last night, while i couldn't sleep, i did write little...things, i dunno what to call them, tiny pieces of writing though, based on the feel like so blurbs written for each pullip doll. i am currently drawing a doll-thing to put some words next to it, i think i'll finish that tomorrow. this is a good little diversion from music, i think next thing i do with music, i want to practice guitar. we also might go out tomorrow.

today i also listened to the lizzy mercies descloux album press color for the first time. it's very cool, the tracklisting is diff from the og, since i got the version which has a bunch of extra stuff and it messes with the track listing for no reason. that tracklist i think screws with how the album might feel cuz it wasn't much more than pretty cool and way ahead of its time in some ways. but my favorite tracks were the ones she did as rosa yemen, those have been favorites since highschool though.

this one's pretty good though, wonky weirdo disco geetarz:

and what a cover!!

i do really like hearing stuff like this, it's pretty helpful to figure out kind of moves as a dance-y guitar line or idea, how to get to that, i do like all the fast weird stuff they do here especially though, definitely brings to mind arab on radar, and the super duper repetitive bassline.

this kinda thing also brings to mind i should listen to some stuff by bauhaus again, they've got some death disco-y stuff... and then of course... w/ death disco

all timer. i didn't like metal box too much when i first heard it, i still do prefer first issue... i need to revisit it some more but this was such an instant hit for me. the swan lake interpolation is so awesome, and the bassline... it's just one of the best basslines ever.

anyway. i have to sleep, i can't be up too late... and i really did only get 2 hours of sleep last night...

so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mayonnaisetoffees]

Oversharing on the Internet

Tagged by: @mistmarauder 🧡 (I can respond to these in a timely manner! Who knew? Though I always say waaaaay too much hence the readmore)

ONE: Are you named after anyone? My middle name was for my mum's great-nana I think? Maybe great-grandma and I only think great-nana because we only had a great-nana. But not my first name, no. But fun fact: My parents ONLY had one name for a girl. If my younger sibling had been born a girl they'd have been fuuuucked. (Also part of why I keep my name despite it being v much female-coded because like I earnt this. Also, like... it's my name. It fits me, thought I more often than not get confused seeing it written down because like that's my verbal name, Mayo is my written name.)

TWO: When was the last time you cried? Last week? Little sleep + stress of moving = lots of tears at random times.

THREE: Do you have kids? Nope! Don't have pets either. I wanna foster/adopt/support (probably older kids/teenagers) at some point but not for a few years and I absolutely do not want bio kids. Pregnancy freaks me the fuck out.

FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot? Fairly often? I can't even tell anymore tbh like I just talk, even I'm barely paying attention to what I'm saying half the time! Less so online I think (this is where people are like nah mate you do that here too) because it's definitely been misunderstood before - sometimes making me look very daft and I'm like I don't know you people well enough to say that that was what is called a joke

FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play? I never found one I liked apart from, like, bench-ball. The fact that there aren't (that I've found at least) casual places to play bench ball as an adult is a fucking travesty.

SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people? Their smile/laugh/sense of humour? I'm really bad with faces, but if someone laughs or makes a joke pretty soon after I meet them, I remember them a lot more easily. Online it's definitely like the quirks of their writing style.

SEVEN: What's your eye colour? Brown! Pretty dark brown too so like none of the "ooh it's got XYZ in it in the light" it has brown with hints of brown

EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings - I am the biggest wimp with scary films. I was part of the "let's go hang in the kitchen with the leftover pizza/snacks" gang if horror films came on at a sleepover!

NINE: Any special talents? I'm not the biggest fan of cake, but by god will I make the best cake you've tasted. I can also do a good mix CD (less good at specific playlists because playlists it's just a big mess of great songs) and I can flick through to the right page in a book for a quote pretty easily - drove some people mad in English because people would be trying to find it for like five minutes and I'd just be like drrrrrrrr (idk how to write the noise for fanning through the pages) There!

TEN: Where were you born? At home, south of England (I'm very much Northern, being there for like two memories max one of which was falling asleep indoors doesn't count 😂). I can't remember if it was me or my older brother this happened for, but my mum went into labour in the middle of the night and woke my dad up and was like "The baby is coming" and my dear father went "If you still think so in half an hour, wake me up again" and rolled back over. Needless to say, he was not, in fact, allowed to go back to sleep. He also hates that story so we tell it as often as possible 😇

ELEVEN: What are your hobbies? Uhh I watch a lot of TV? 😂 I need to get more hobbies that get me outside tbh. But I podfic, I knit sometimes when I'm watching stuff and I play games when I watch stuff, I cook a lot, I bake, I like long walks on the beach actually I like reasonable length walks by rivers/green areas or along the promenade if I'm at the beach because sand (Anakin Skywalker was right and he should say it).

TWELVE: Do you have any pets? Nope! Just moved, but I used to help look after my friends' dog every so often - she's a black cockapoo called Luna and I love her dearly but she also made me realise if I do get a dog, I don't want a puppy. They are a lot of work. Which makes sense because they are literally baby

THIRTEEN: How tall are you? 5'7", please don't ask me for the metric - I haven't had to be measured in a while so I only know it in imperial. I wanna say like 167cm maybe? Does that sound right???

FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school? English (Language over Lit) or French 100%. I always say that my optional GCSEs were all basically an extension of my skills in English (AKA bullshitting): Religious Studies (taught tbh as Christianity + a few other examples), French, Spanish (both still bullshitting just in another language), and Drama (absolutely bullshitting and also in my case scaring the shit out of an examiner because the plate smashed into lots of pieces that flew everywhere rather than just a few in a controlled space like it had in rehearsal)

FIFTEEN: Dream job? God I miss working in a cafe/events. But they don't pay the bills as well! Also like I would ideally want to do my current job 3 days a week and a manual job 2 but like without having to work lots of extra hours to keep on top of both, yk?

Tagging: @glaftwlet @emryses @snapshotmaestro @idyllic-idioms @alloverthegaf and idk anyone else who wants to do it! Brain empty can't remember usernames

[ragingclaw]

The Door to Harmony (Harvey x OC)

Summary: How a single sound can annoy Harvey. | Based on Harvey's dialogue: "As summer draws to a close, and the colder season begins, my workload tends to increase. Sorry in advance if I'm a little moody..."

Word Count: 1506

AN: I tried to write angst but I just can't so I'll just call this a fic with a little bit of ✨ sazon ✨

Four times.

Four times the door had swung open. Four times the door had creaked amidst the silence of their farmhouse. It was only 5 PM after all, and Harvey knew that Hiraya was very busy considering they were in the middle of Fall; he had seen earlier the state of their farm and knew that all of the crops were ready to be harvested. Yet the sound of the door creaking repeatedly drove Harvey insane.

Harvey tried not to bring the stress of his work to their home, considering it was the only place where he ever felt safe and at ease. And with them being a family of three, Harvey knew that it would be a bad idea as babies can easily pick up on their parent’s emotions.

Still, all of those things weren’t enough to stop him from getting annoyed at a sound that he was used to hearing. He didn’t know why it irritated him so much. He’d opened a new model plane to distract his mind from the door and it still wasn’t enough. Taking a deep breath, he rubbed the bridge of his nose to try and calm himself when suddenly…

Creak

In a matter of seconds, Harvey had found himself walking as fast as he could towards Hiraya, who he found rummaging through one of the kitchen cabinets. “Honey. Aya. How many times are you going to open that door?”

A confused expression was written on her face as she turned to look at him. “What?”

“The door! You’ve been coming in and out of the house five times now! The door is so damn loud!” Harvey exclaimed, unable to stop himself from raising his voice.

Hiraya scratched her head, smiling as she stood up to face him. “I’m sorry. I, uh- I keep forgetting stuff-”

“Well do something about it then! Write it on a paper or something!” he yelled, instantly regretting it when he saw Hiraya jump from the sudden change in his tone. His hand reached out to her, pulling away seconds when he saw her shoulders slump subtly. “Aya,” he started but was soon interrupted when they both heard their son cry in the kid’s room.

“I’m sorry.” Hiraya forced a smile, “I’ll go and tend to Danny.” Left alone standing in the kitchen, Harvey’s mind began to doubt his ability to become a husband and a father. Fear immediately consumed his thoughts; the fear of losing his family, the fear of failing to keep the promise that he made on their wedding day, and the fear of losing Hiraya. Those things had plagued his mind to the point that he did not notice Hiraya walking towards him.

“Harvey?”

Turning in her direction, Harvey opened his mouth to say something but he was cut off by her. “We’ll be spending the night in Ridgeside. We fixed up an old farm in the northern part and the two gumballs decided to let me have it. I won’t be back until tomorrow afternoon.”

“Aya, please. Let me-”

“Harvey,” he sensed a sadness in her voice, “you have work tomorrow. You should go and catch up on some sleep. I’ll stop by and pick up Danny before you leave, he likes to watch me run around the farm anyway and it’d be good to get him out once in a while.”

Hiraya placed a peck on his cheek, “I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night, Harvey.”

As soon as the door shut behind Hiraya, Harvey felt his chest tighten as he made his way to their bedroom, changing his clothes lazily before dragging himself to bed. Not a second had passed and the tears that he had been holding back now fell freely on his temples, grabbing the pillow his wife used and hugged it tightly to his chest.

-

A bright light shining on his eyes caused Harvey to stir awake, rubbing his face only to realize he had fallen asleep the night before wearing his glasses and watch. While he recalled yesterday’s event, he caught a glimpse of the time. 10:49 AM

The fact that he had woken up late sent him running around the house, changing his clothes as quickly as he could. His usual 10-minute walk from the farmhouse to town was cut down to a 3-minute sprint.

He thought he had broken the door to his clinic when he slammed it open, while a confused but frowning Maru and a startled Marnie and Jas welcomed him. “I’m sorry I’m super late! Give me a few minutes to prepare.”

Maru’s frown turned into concern when she realized that her boss’ eyes were puffy. Raising her eyebrow, Maru waited for Harvey to notice, only for him to shake his head and head straight into his office. Marnie seemed to notice it as well as she shifted her eyes to Maru, who shrugged in response.

A couple of checkups and a pile of paperwork later, Harvey decided that he would close the clinic early. He had sent Maru home early, making up an excuse that they both know would not even fool a child. He was thankful that Maru did not probe after asking why was he late, though she gave him a sharp look before leaving the clinic.

With his mind now clear from work, Harvey took his time walking back to their home, dreading what Hiraya would say to him the moment she sees his face. The thoughts that he had from the night before invaded his mind once again, though this time a lone thought was louder than the others. What if she realizes she doesn’t love me?

Stopping in his tracks, he felt sick to his stomach at the thought that the love of his life leaving him. The person who brought hope and joy to his life, walking away from the life that they built after finally realizing that she deserves better. 

“You okay there?” a voice asked. Looking at where the voice came from, he saw Gregory holding a basket full of vegetables.

“Y-yeah.”

“Nice! We just got back from Ridgeside, there are still things left to do but we’ll save it for next week. Here, have a bok choy for good luck. I also found this perfect rock, you can have it as well.” the younger Fitzgerald took his arm and placed a bok choy in his hand, and then shoved the rock inside his bag.

“Uh, thanks. Did Aya come home with you?”

Gregory nodded. Both of them stood in silence, unsure whether to continue their conversation. For Harvey, the bok choy suddenly looked interesting when Gregory stared at him with amusement. The latter then decided to break the silence. “Fights happen, you know that don’t you? Marriage isn’t rainbows and sunshine.”

“I know.”

“Believe me when I say that the only thing that can push her to the edge is when you dull the blade of one of her knives,” Gregory laughed, “Seriously. Go home and be with your family, they’re waiting for you.”

Gregory placed his hands on his shoulders and pushed him lightly. Upon opening the door, he noticed that the creaking sound was gone, though his attention turned to Hiraya descending the stairs carrying a laundry basket.

“Honey. You’re home early,” Hiraya greeted, “Let me load these clothes in the washer and then I’ll set the table.”

Hiraya hadn’t even made it halfway through the kitchen when she felt Harvey grab her arm. “Listen, I’m sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to yell at you, I really didn’t. I know I should’ve told you that it bothered me, but instead, I opened my mouth like a fool and took my irritation out on you. I hope you can forgive me.”

Harvey hadn’t realized he was crying until he felt Hiraya pull him into a hug, prompting him to wrap his arms around her tightly in return. Her hand gently caressed his hair, reassuring him repeatedly as he sobbed in her arms. They stayed in each other’s embrace for a while, Hiraya planting kisses all over his face as she continued to console him.

“Harvey, you apologized. That’s enough for me.” Hiraya murmured, wiping the tears away from his face, “I should’ve been more considerate of you, not everyone handles stress the way I do. I promise to do better next time honey, okay?”

He shook his head. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. You couldn’t have known I was having a bad day, I should’ve communicated-”

“Honey, stop. We both did something, and we’re going to talk through it after you’ve had dinner. Alright?” Harvey nodded, “I’ll just finish this and reheat the food, you don’t need to do anything other than freshen up and relax.”

Pulling away after a kiss, Harvey watched Hiraya make her way down the basement, only for her to stop and turn to him, her expression that of someone trying to hold in their laughter.

“Honey, why were you holding that bok choy the entire time?”

For Yoba’s sake, Gregory.

[knightotoc]

So my account got weirdly deactivated last night ~11 pm, then reactivated this morning at ~4 am; it must have been some crazy mistake, though I just can't understand how that could have happened in the middle of the night? (I'm only a few timezones away from Tumblr's office.) I felt bummed and had some trouble sleeping (hence why I was randomly awake at 4). I also lost my two side blogs for those few hours -- one I could recreate relatively easily, but the other would be impossible to recreate, especially all the thousands of interactions with other fans that helped me through these shitty last couple of years. Certainly the whole thing makes me not want to compose original stuff on here anymore; maybe I should write everything in a document first and then copy it to the blog. I have one physical journal I'm keeping for my movie opinions, so at least that can only be destroyed by an actual fire or something. The thing that made me most sad was losing all my mutuals; I don't have very many, but I really do care about you guys. If it happens again I'll remake and try to DM everybody. I have Twitter and IG too, though I don't really like these apps, and I still use FB a lot, in case anybody wants to connect there as well.

^ hundreds of my mostly Anakin-themed posts at somebody else's discretion

[inightcor]

A Wonderful Sleepless Night

Before I went to shower, I watched TikTok videos about some couple I ship and there was a fanfic that talked about them doing weird stuff. That delayed my shower time because I was curious about what the fanfic was talking about. Though, I only skimmed through the story because I want to fantasize about it and feel the excitement rush in me. I showered at 10 PM yesterday because I didn't have time to do it throughout the day. Though I was hoping that by showering, you become more energetic and not have the urge to sleep. And that speculation was true, I stayed up till 4 AM. I had to finish my APUSH notes, infact, I have to do double the work because I didn't do my APUSH read the day before yesterday. Back to showering, doing it at night felt quite serene. Listening to the gust of wind while water is pouring onto you is like dancing in the rain. At the same time, it was difficult to shower quickly because of the cold night and my bathroom window was open. Frankly, my parents never allowed me to stay out during rainfall because I would catch a cold, but I still see it as a once in a lifetime opportunity. After shower, I worked on homework. When doing my APUSH notes, my mind wanders to any other topic than APUSH, thanks to my low attention span. Thus, it was challenging to finish them. I took a break at 12:30 AM. I really wanted to read a fanfic for a long time (2 hours), That's what I was thinking about. This fanfic was based on an anime and its breaking my sanity because there are 2 boys who were enemies, but currently rivals. The fanfic writes about the two boys doing succulent things together o_-/ nevermind about that. So if you're wondering what is crushing my sanity and boosting my serotonin, it's all because of that fanfic. I don't need to explain more. I continued APUSH notes at 1:30 AM and my mind was hazy. My eyes continuously closes and I force myself to open them, which was a pain. I had to listen to music while doing notes to wake myself up. One real confession though: doing homework in the middle of the night is a vibe. Other than that "fanfic", what made serotonin levels rise high was the topic I was reading contained stockholm-syndrome, and my reaction to this was "why is this a history lesson?". Although the concept was so interesting, its like reading an actual novel. I finally finished my notes at 3AM and spent the rest of the hour reading that fanfic. That fanfic was so good that I repeated reading it twice and even read the other collections that linked to that. That really made my night. I had to be in school at 10 AM, so I went to sleep at ~4:15 AM. I thought I'd sleep the rest of the time, but I eventually woke up at 7 AM with enthusiasm. I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards. What's strange about this was I usually struggle to wake up after an 8 hour sleep and feel drowsy. Meanwhile, I slept for less than 3 hours that night and possessed so much energy than any other day. Maybe I should do this often.

[elio-monroe]

im so incredibly depressed. this post is bad and contains a lot of content warnings that i can't even get myself to type out. i have a hard time seeing any of the stuff ive gone through as real or actually mattering. through most of my life if i tried to use the proper words or phrases i was told i was lying and those things dont count.

so im sorry i cant make content warnings for the read more. just take this as a big general one i guess. im not writing this for an audience im writing this for me.

this is also like a novel. so maybe don't read it because you could be doing anything better with your life. i am not exaggerating. this is so long.

i always feel like a huge bother. like im making peoples lives miserable by being around them if i am not doing everything they want to do. lately i haven't been able to make many decisions by myself, i freeze up and i just cant do it. i have to wait to be told and its frustrating, i hate it. i feel so stupid but i also feel so deeply that anything i think to do will be wrong, that ill be stepping on someone's toes.

i know my friends think i should stop making myself smaller and smaller, they encourage me to take up space. which is nice, i think, but i feel nothing but disgust for everything ive ever chosen to do.

i wish i actually didn't know why im like this. but like... i grew up every summer going to east side michigan, my grandma's house. where my cousins were, my mom's side of the family. my cousin's demanded i spend my time equally amongst them. every night i would swap what house i slept over at, if they got into a fight and didn't want to spend days playing with each other id have to make sure i evenly split my time between them and acted like i was equally on both of their sides.

if they got mad at me, even if one got mad at me, they both would ahhh you know theyd do stuff that wasnt great. a... small and lesser example would be the time they chased me and get me into a corner to terrorize me with a mechanical toy hopper (bugs life). i was very scared of that character when i was young because he was the bad guy and i was like 5 or 6. theyd do a lot of stuff like that, that would elevate as we got older. sometimes even doing more... physical stuff. i tried to tell on them when i was younger, get any adult to help me but none would really believe me. i had a reputation for being a cry baby so to them i was making stuff up. my mom would be too drunk to care at the time (she is better mother now), and my dad wasn't present in my early life (navy).

eventually i stopped being a snitch, it only ever made things worse. i guess that was a good lesson to learn early on... maybe... idk. anyways, anything theyd do to me id just keep it bottled up. i still do. and its extended past my cousins.

in late elementary my friend, who was a few years older then me and in middle school and knew a lot more about sexual education ah, well i dont think she ever meant anything bad by it im still like friends with her though we don't talk really. but i think she is a good person who just, i mean i didn't know what was happening other then being confused because i hadnt had any sexual education.... haha aaah ive just been so stupid and behind my entire life...

when we had sleep overs at her place she would usually have me sleep on a single pillow because i was pretty small when i was younger and she thought it was cute and i wanted to please her so bad. i didnt have a cell phone but she did (these were flip phone times) and she use to take a lot of photos of me... kinda non-consensually, not like sexual ones or anything so i just let it happen because there wasnt any real harm other then my mild discomfort.

eventually she moved away. and then i moved away. we kept in contact though. like i said im still her friend.

middle school was catholic and rough. i was the poorest kid going to a private school. i had hit puberty right before entering 7th grade (my first year of middle school) and my boobs had already grown to be nearly double d. catholic school uniforms are not very friendly to more curvy body types. most of the girls called me fat, i really only had one friend (and one kinda weird stalker-like girl) who had much bigger breasts then me and was a little chubby. i tried my best to not be offended at the fat comments because my friend would get them a lot more and i thought that was fucked up. i never liked when fat people where the punchline to jokes, i didn't know the word fatphobia but i was against all the shit they went through.

anyways i joined the co-ed soccer team and all girl basketball team. i had three years of soccer (on an all girls soccer team, aka real soccer) and i was a fucking killer mid-fielder. my thighs were giant and powerful, i could run for and sprint for hours without slowing down. i was a jock and i didn't even know it. i outclassed pretty much everyone on that team and i was benched pretty often because of this. the coach hated me, like literally told me how i shouldn't be as good at soccer as i am because i was making the boys feel bad. he told me it wasnt my place as a girl to do that. he'd make me run lap after lap after everyone else was allowed to stop i had to keep going.

a bit of a back up here. but i am physically disabled... i don't usually like to say that because its... minor i guess and there are so many people who have it worse. so please don't think ill of me if you are reading this, i know it doesn't count but im just getting it out there i guess. anyways my ankles (and do some extent my wrist as well) are very weak. my ankles actually hurt every single day because i am a very active person and must be on my feet a lot for my job too. but basically my ankles never really fully developed despite how much i worked out as a kid. i droll my ankles probably like 3 times a day when i was younger, im a bit more careful now, only about like once or twice a week and i rebound from it very quickly.

anways after my first year of soccer we had a new coach (this was on the all girls team) bc our first couch had to retire due to... being... not a very great person lets say. the new coach noticed i walked and ran a bit funny and one day asked me if i would allow him or my parents to wrap my ankles in bandages. i agreed and let my dad do it since he was a (navy) doctor. and lo and behold i could play soccer so much better. the pain was pretty much gone and i could fully concentrate on playing the game. and i was so fucking good.

back to middle school (in an entirely different state too) the co-ed soccer coach found out about my bandages, because one of my teammates saw me wrapping them in the bathroom and told him, and he made me stop. i got worse but i still kept trying, i wanted to spite him so bad. i wanted to spite all of them. i especially wanted to spite the girl that disclosed this information.

i hated her so much. she commented on my body so often. she bullied me every single day of middle school (thankfully i only went to middle school for two years). she was fat but called me fat, i never retaliated because it was pretty fucking clear she was insecure. sure the comments hurt because they were mean, but god i much preferred her fat comments to what she would end up sticking with after she saw me naked.

we were both on the soccer team (and basketball team), this was a very small school and i was in the largest class, at 18 people. usually we would have a good amount of time for everyone to change in the bathroom stalls individually, but it was going to rain in the late afternoon and because ppl in ct can't handle the rain like ppl in wa our game had been moved up so we all needed to get changed fast. whatever, i did not care, and i began to take off my uniform. it became very apparent to every girl on that team right then that i was not fat. so much so that bully girl had to give her thoughts on my body which was "wow, deadname! you really aren't fat." she said more but i refuse to quote her directly as it was horribly degrading and very rude to sex workers. but the gist was i had a body type perfect for men. i was 13 and appalled by this comment.

i know that probably seems like a pretty mediocre thing to be upset about in the grand scheme of things. but at 13 i had some... unfortunate sexual time on the school bus with another kid. over the fact that i couldn't be ace because of.... being a tease i suppose. before 13 my cousins often commented about how id dress like a slut from time to time. and i guess they had a point, i have a pretty more sense of what my body looks like and what it is doing at any moment in time. through out my life and still to this day i accidentally show more "private" areas of skin. my ass is fat and short skirts look better on me then long ones (and i honestly do not care that much if strangers get a glimpse, its not hurting anyone and you can just fucking look away). as a kid i often had plenty of "outfit malfunctions" that'd show off my boobs, they really don't make little girl clothing that fits around double ds. and once again i was small as kid, i could not fit adult shirts or bras or underwear (despite how fat my ass is i still wear teen/little girl underwear if im not wearing boxer breifs bc most woman's underwear will sag on me unless i go to an asian run store. mass produced clothing is fucking awful and a scam).

one time, with my first soccer team, the first coach had invited us all over for a halloween party. my mom didn't allow me to dress goth (she was and might still be scared i'll turn out to be a serial killer) but on halloween she allowed me to wear anything i wanted. and i wanted to be a skull fairy because i liked skulls and i loved being able to wear mostly black whenever i could. the top was strapless, the breast size a good amount too small for my honkers but that didn't stop me. mini skirt and thigh highs. i added a black feather boa because i loved boa's but being surrounded by other children meant i could hardly live my true camp-self day to day, but on halloween i could wear the biggest sparkly black boa i wanted. i also had some cool black fairy wings.

at the party she had us play some games, typical things like dunking for apples (i didn't participate in that one because im very bad at not breathing in water when its on my face), and pin the tail on the donkey, like super regular kid games. but there was one game where we were split into three teams, where one person on the team was tied up and chained to a chair while the other teammates took turns trying to find the right key to release the various padlocks along the captives body out of a large bowl of keys. first team to get their captive free wins. as you might imagine this game went on for a long time because there was a lot of fucking keys and if the key didn't work you had to return it to the bowl bc it might work for the other teams and all the keys looked extremely similar to each other. i was voted to be the captive (i wasn't really liked on my soccer team but i was fairly good at it for my first year and the coach saw promise in me and the team wasn't about friendship, it was about winning (we won 90% of our games that year)), which i was fine with because i didn't like the idea of running back and forth and getting frustrated. and in all honesty i was a little freak and for reasons unknown to me at the time, i really liked the idea of being tied up so i let it happen.

and oh boy how i had greatly misjudged how disliked i was! i was the first of the captives to get tied up, and i honestly don't know if there was a sorta mistake on the amount of supplies that were needed but after me, the two other captives were tied a lot less strictly to their chairs. they only had their wrists, ankles, and waists tied and padlocked to the chair, where as i also had my thighs and chest and tied up (no padlock on those two areas though). it quickly explained to me those were for like setting the scene or something. i accepted it but i was starting to panic a little because my chest was tied pretty tight and if i moved even a little bit my top would start to slip down. i tried to stay as still as possible and not bring any attention to my gradual double nip slip. but ya know, its hard to not wiggle a little when you've got various girls hands brushing against you as they try key after key.

the horror of it really came after one of the other teams won, the other team finishing seconds behind them, and my team had yet to find a single successful key. my boobs were fully out at this point and my skirt had rode up so my kim possible themed underwear was on full display. i was pretty embarrassed about the kim possible thing, and i suppose i was right to because my teammates absolutely thought it was lesbian behavior to have shego's smug face beaming from crotch. and to make everything worse, there was no skeleton key to this game. i was stuck there until the actual fucking keys were found. the teasing was pretty relentless, even after the mom came back into the room to see how things were going she didn't help. i asked her to help, i was on the verge of crying because i was very humiliated and wanted to go home (plus i was battling the very alien feeling of arousal), but she figured it would toughen me up to... sit through everything. eventually i was freed and i cried in the bathroom and asked to have my mom pick me up. she did, she asked me how the party was and i said it was fun but i was tired. (as a side note i'd be totally down to recreate this in a far more consensual way hahaha. being tied up and played with by some actual friends sounds so lovely)

so yeah, the comment about my body being great for men, for sex, was a bit to raw for me. i didn't say anything back though. i didn't know how to respond because all the other girls agreed. i got into the next stall as soon as possible and never changed in front of girls again.

i also never wore that skull fairy custom again unless it was with a long sleeved black turtle neck.

i became so much more conscious to cover my body up. but that never worked. i'd continue to be touched and groped until i eventually chopped those puppies off in my third year of college.

but even throwing my boobs away, even after starting t, cutting my hair short, wearing the most conservative outfits, people still touch me. i've grown fine with being touched by friends, i know they mean no harm. or... i guess i hope they don't mean any harm. i think overall people are good and have good intentions and sometimes just do things on accident and we don't have to over analyze everything.

i dont like strangers touching me. but... i'm very very awful. im no good at anything and i just, i just let it happen. every time. i let it happen. i guess i try to softly push their hands away, but i get so scared if i try any harder things will go worse. i dont speak up or say no. at most i maybe shake my head. god i wish i wasn't so fucking stupid.

but then maybe im not. the overwhelming majority of people i try to tell about these things don't believe me. or don't think its really bad that it happened. when i was in college i tried to use the woman's resource center for... ah well for like rape related stuff. but they told me i wasn't welcomed in the center and that whatever happened to me was not rape and does not warrant support. i know its wrong to use resources and support for something you've never actually for real gone through, but i was... and i guess still am desperate for something. i don't know what that is. i don't know how to define what i've gone through. i just have been told its not rape, its not really sexual assault, and its so minor that i can't even call it sexual harassment. but... i've seen people with similar stories to mine get those resources and be welcomed, embraced.

i hate to say this... but sometimes i wonder if its because i wore a tie and dress pants everywhere in college. i've never dyed my hair, and i don't really... idk i guess i don't look queer enough or feminine enough. maybe i scared people because i looked like the people who did bad things to them. i hadn't started t yet when i was rejected from the center, i hadn't even had my boobs removed. but no matter where i went there was this overall feeling that i was 100% a man and men don't go through those things very often. and it made it worse that i was a trans man, if i talked about those things i was invalidating my own gender and it made others uncomfortable. i had friends that hated to think of me before i was chosenname, that would tell me i was misgendering myself if i talked about specific things i went through. so i stopped.

i understood then that anyone who claimed themselves to be a safe person to talk to about things, to come to when you needed help, where not for me. i did not count.

i didn't mention my time in high school. i had one good year, 9th grade, at a tech school in ct. i moved to mi a year later. but i was loved, i was popular, i was just me. i still cry thinking about how much better my life could have been if i could have stayed at that school and not moved away. yeah i was being used because i was the smartest kid in the school and i was actively improving the test grades so much that i became a literal bargaining chip at a big conference for the district panel on fund allocation amongst the public schools. i was very happy with this by the way, and i had actively and enthusiastically given consent for the board members to use my grades as a means to afford more for the school, we all pretended that i wasn't moving come the next year. a few teachers joked about kidnapping me so i could keep attending the school (another thing i told them to do but this time they didn't :c). anyways, worked out well, the whole school got funded, more kids with higher test scores started attentending after me, and now the schools been completely remolded (it was originally designed as a cold war bunker turned tech school hahaha. we had a boiler room still that would constantly blow up and we'd just get random days off of school. it ruled).

then i moved to mi. everything went downhill. i become the obsession of one kid in my grade who i unfortunately had a locker right next to. again i wore a lot of short skirts, but at this point i was wearing leggings underneath as opposed to thigh highs, and i wore my blouses all the way buttoned up with a scarf acting as a diy tie. it was a killer look, id still wear it. but this guy decided i was his anime waifu. he'd try to get me alone. he'd push me up against walls to tell me how beautiful i am and how he would do anything for me. it was pretty bad because i didn't know how to make boundaries. i was scared of him getting violent with me (though he never showed any tendancies to do so... i was... well we've established im stupid). so for three years id occasionally just have to deal with some guy with a huge asian festish trying desperately to date me. i avoided my locker as much as i could.

then there was the pathetic guy. he was a year ahead of me and not interested in my at first. i was on the quiz bowl team with him and he had a bit of a reputation of going after woman who continually turned him down, and he often tried to go for the more.... aaa mentally ill girlies. he went after my friend who was a senior (also not a girl anymore) and i hated him forever after being told about it. i tried to be rude to him, though i don't know if he ever understood that or maybe i wasn't good at being rude (though i'm pretty damn good at it i think!). but after my friend graduated he suddenly started to push himself on me. at quizbowl matches, id sometimes get a little overwhelmed by all the buzzer sounds so id occasionally sit at the back of the room to get a bit of distance from the noise (which everyone was pretty cool with!), and well he'd follow me right on back. he didn't want me to be lonely he told me. i never felt lonely, but i did begin to worry that maybe i looked lonely or maybe he was lonely. but i also didn't like him, but also i was at a sporting event and he was my teammate so i can't be rude to him. so id let him sit near me. then he'd get nearer and nearer and nearer until he had his arms wrapped around me. he'd whisper in my ear and dig his fingers into my thighs, sometimes he'd pull them apart. but i never tried too hard to stop him. i don't know why.

eventually a girl in his grade and on my team noticed this, and she started sitting by me too. he stopped. i never told her thank you, but i thought it, i tried to convey it with my eyes. she didn't care much for me but she always kept her gaze on me when he was around. sometimes.... i find it hard to believe she was the first person to ever help me out of something like that.

occasionally at school the guy would get me alone and he'd be rather violent. he'd make me feel bad that i never told her to stop staring. didn't i like him? didn't i trust him? he was so alone and i was too and he was just trying to make me feel better. he threatened to sue me when i told his younger brother i didn't much care for his big brother as he pushed himself on my friend years ago. i did laugh in his face because that was such an empty threat, even someone as gullible and stupid as me could put that together.

god id never want to relive middle or high school, or even elementary school... or college... wild because i was really good at school and i've never been good at anything ever again.

now these days... ah my adult years have been a bit better. i get groped a little less now that i don't have boobs. but i don't wear as much conservative clothing as i use to. i've started wearing feminine outfits again, which are nice. i try not to let the... weird things people say to me get me down. i try not to believe i deserve those words.

i tried to get use to taking the bus again. i live an hours walk away from my job but i live on a direct bus line to it. though over a year ago... when i was trying out the buses again by myself a man came up to me. i was sitting down at the bus stop and he stood right in front me of, very close, as close as he could be. he was very clearly homeless and most definitely mentally ill so i didn't want to be mean about personal space right away. so he started talking and i slowly pushed myself to the end of the bench se we had more distance while talking. but that did not work as he just followed. his questions got weirder. he had commented about how he thinks boys look nice in skirts and stockings and my stupid fucking ass was like "oh well thats great! he seems really supportive! i guess i don't have anything to worry about!" then his hands came down on my thighs. i placed my hands on top of his hand gave them a slight push downwards, i was trying to say "please don't" but that wasn't clear enough. he instead started rubbing my legs up and down.

at this point i was like "ah fuck! again! again with something happening at a bus!" but i could not summon up enough of a fight in myself and i just kept answering his questions like a dumbass.

then he asked "where are your parents", that was an odd question. "not here, at home probably." "are you heading to school?" "no... no." i was so lost at this question. it seemed so fucking bizarre to me "what school do you go to? what school around here? where are you going?" "i graduated!" "from where? when?" "grand valley! a few years ago!" then i watched his eyes grow cold. he stopped smiling. and he turned and left me. no further questions. the bus arrived and i got on. i just stared out the window and cried silently as i slowly realized what had just happened. i was suppose to then take the bus back, but i couldn't. i called my boyfriend and cried to him and asked if he could pick me up instead and he did. he promised me he would if i ended up getting to uncomfortable.

i try so hard to get use to the bus. i think public transportation is great. but i keep getting scared. my looks get me in trouble more then they give me any benefit. he isn't the first guy to think im a kid and try stuff with me. even in college well meaning people told me their attraction to me felt incredibly illegal. i still don't really know how to process that. personally i think i'm rather ugly and unapealing. but i've had plenty of people tell me they are attracted to me but feel bad about it. and i don't know what that means.

i know i can't have an onlyfans. no matter how much i prove my age it just gets reported for being csem, same with instagram. i had to stop posting pictures of my fully clothed body on insta because even those were getting reported! i can't show my face for my works socmed bc it'll get taken down. even when there was just the back of my head people thought i was a child (and were freaked out by the content of the reel due to my perceived age).

i feel like im just trapped forever in this weird... bubble. nothing ive been through is considered to be enough. but all of it slows me down. all of it scares me. all of it continues to ruin my life. i get anxious. i get so scared. i have to be told what to do. i need people to not see me as human because when people care about me at a deeper level, when they don't just see me as some fun toy to play with and throw out in a year, i get scared.

god this has gone on for so long. i did not mean it. but i gotta get in the shower. i have to go to work. im scared and anxious and depressed but i gotta go to work. i wish i could just do art. but i've just started self harming again instead. im so stupid. but i guess writing all this out was better then cutting myself.

now if you somehow read through all this. do not call the cops for a wellness check. i will try my hardest to do suicide by cop.

also never call the cops for a wellness check on anyone ever you fucking moron. do you know what they do? do you? do you fucking know? would you believe me if i told you even a single fucking thing they've done to me? or are you just going to ignore that and call because "youre so scared for me" and you think because im white ill be safe. shut up and unfollow me. never talk to me again. block me. you are a fucking idiot and only view the world in black and white. i do not need that in my life. educate yourself on the history of cops and disabled folks, trans folks, and gay men. seriously. fucking go and learn and be a better person.

[spnae]

Chapter 34 The Talking Dead

(This title has absolutely nothing to do with TWD, no copy-write infringement intended.)

Willow went back out with Xander to place the stones her friends had helped her carve the night before. It had taken them the better part of the morning and into the early afternoon since Xander had to cement them each in place along the wall. Willow would murmur an incantation over each one as he did. By the time they were finished with the sheer number of them, Willow was exhausted.

“Ahh, Will? I hate to break it to you but I think we forgot one. Kinda a big one too,” Xander held up a large rock bigger than his fist.

“No, that’s the ‘catalyst stone’. It gets buried under the entrance to the property. At the edge of the driveway in the middle. I’ll use it tonight to finish the spell. Right now, I think I need a break.” Willow muttered sleepily as she drifted towards the Duplex.

“Wills? Seriously lacking in domestic comforts there. You know, like windows and furniture. What are you doing?”

She sighed wistfully, “You go. I just want to check in on Ruby before I head in for a nap.”

“Don’t be long. Buffy wants to get this little shindig out of the way before the girls leave.”

“I’ll make an appearance. It's just the two girls leaving today. The other two head out tomorrow I think.”

“Yeah well Faith is freaking everybody out with this thing so chop-chop.”

With that the two friends parted ways and Willow made her way down to the basement on her side of the duplex. She knocked on the basement wall, “Ruby? Are you awake?” she asked timidly.

There was a shuffling sound. As Willow continued to descend the stairs Ruby suddenly came into view wearing a Led Zeppelin t-shirt and a pair of sleep pants that hugged her curves a little too well despite how baggy they were on her, “Oh, ehh hey there,” the words came out breathy.

“Oh hey,” she answered.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better.”

“I bet.”

Ruby eyed the witch critically, “You look beat. No offense. I mean, you’re– humm… Here, have a seat,” she gestured to one of the mismatched chairs nervously. “Is everything alright?”

Willow sat down heavily, “Just witch stuff, you probably don’t want to know.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Willow settled back into the chair, “I just did a whole lot of setting-incantations; getting ready for a big spell tonight and it sort of took it out of me. I’m headed for a nap but I wanted to check on you first. How’s it going?”

Ruby’s eyes widened momentarily before she let out a little puff of air, allowing herself to relax a little into the other chair, “I’m alright. You were kinda right about the shower and sleep. I actually feel almost normal.”

“Really?”

“Okay, so no. That’s a gross overstatement. Not normal. I’m just– Is there anything I can do?”

“Oh, Ruby that’s–” the look in Ruby’s eyes cut her off and she had to start again. “You just need to focus on getting better alright?”

“I sort of feel like I might start going mad if I don’t do something soon. A project or— Just get out for a bit. Something. I’m not asking to leave, I oddly kinda like it here. Although I’m not really sure where here is. I was still a little out of it when you guys brought me in. I think I just want to get some fresh air.”

“It’s a little sunny out for you right now.”

Ruby grinned, “I didn’t mean now. So what is this place?”

“It’s– it’s my house– or it will be. It needs some work before Xan and I can move in.”

“You and Xan? The smaller big guy? I’m sorry, I just thought–”

“Ohh! Humm I am, I mean– No, it’s not like that. He’s my best friend. He’s taking the second suite upstairs. There’s two.”

“Oh– so eh–”

“Humm yeah–”

“It’s— do you want anything? Ok that’s stupid– all I have is blood. I’m sorry. I just– Trying to be polite and it’s all coming out wrong. Nervous I guess,” Ruby stamared awkwardly.

“I sort of still have a, well not really a girlfriend… I hope not… I mean… I should just stop talking.” Willow blurted out suddenly. Her cheeks flushed and she looked stricken.

Ruby bobbed her head calmly a moment and grinned slowly, “Willow, please. Don’t get me wrong. I think you’re— look I know I’m not in a great state and you know, living dead and all. And now I got a soul too. I'm not really sure what the hell that means… I’m trying to get on with it, yeah, but I don’t think I’m ready to ‘move’ on if you get my meaning.”

“Lauren?”

Ruby swallowed hard, “Yeah—“ she hung her head.

“She was your girlfriend?”

Ruby brought her head up slowly, piercing Willow with her pale gray eyes that nearly seemed to glow, “Never really got that far actually.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She paused a moment as she curled her feet under her in the chair, “I’d always been the quiet one. Studying, reading. Most outlandish thing about me is my taste in music. I hadn't really given relationships much serious thought; until I met Lauren.”

“Really? Like at all?”

Ruby shrugged, “Guess you’d have to know our parents. They always talked about marriage and having kids like it was our purpose in life. Guess you could say I was seriously repressed.”

Willow frowned, “So what happened?”

“Met Lauren. It was just like we had always known each other; instant friends. I wanted more than that though— I invited her out to hang out with some friends. Hoped it would be kinda like a date, you know?”

“The night you went missing.”

“The night I died. Yeah. She had something she had to do but she was supposed to meet us at the club. She seemed really excited about it too—“ Ruby stood up suddenly, pacing with agitated grace.

“Ruby—“

She held up a hand, “No— I think I need to get this out. Please—“

“Okay—“

It was a moment before she spoke again, “My friends and I were taking a bit of a shortcut through an alley when we were jumped.”

“Vampires.”

“Thought they were muggers— one grabbed me from behind and I woke up alone in a crypt.”

“Giles said he had a call from a ME about a missing body matching your description and a dead medical assistant. We just thought that was you.”

“No. Not me. I definitely woke up in a crypt inside one of the vaults. I had to push the lid off to climb out. Didn’t know what the hell had happened.”

“And no one was around. Not your sire or anyone?”

“No, no one”

“Do you remember anything about the vamp that sired you?”

“I– no actually– they bit me from behind and made me drink from their arm pressed in front of my face… I never saw them. Her… It might have been–” she felt the side of her throat absentmindedly. “Yeah, I think it was a woman. Just a feeling.”

“Huhh, well that’s something I guess. Kinda weird.”

“What’s weird?”

“Not that. That’s actually pretty standard I guess. I’m just trying to figure out if there is any kind of a pattern. Most of the time when vamps are trying to build up ranks or have some kind of a purpose they tend to take an interest in their fledglings. Not that they are super nurturing or anything, just look at Spike and his ex— big yikes. I don’t think most vampires know who sired them to be honest. I’m just pointing out that your sire took enough interest to actually put you into a vault inside of a crypt but then didn’t stick around. It’s probably fairly common really, definitely not unheard of, but it might be significant.”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged dismissively, “All I know is that the others I met were not the brightest bulbs and seemed pretty new too. Not one of them were anything like Spike. He’s got this– power or something that just comes off of him, you can tell he’s older. The others didn’t have that..”

“Fledges…” Willow supplied, “Spike is what we call a Master Vampire. Meaning he’s over a century old and really knows his stuff. Powerful too, obviously.”

“Yeah… I mean when I woke up, all I really knew was that I was way stronger than normal, really confused and I knew that I had never met up with Lauren. I just really needed to let her know that I hadn’t stood her up. I needed to see her.”

“So you went to find her.”

She resumed her seat, “Yeah… I did.”

They were both quiet. Willow wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear the rest of the story but she wasn’t going to stop Ruby. If it would help her to get it out, she would listen.

Ruby turned those eerily bright eyes on her again before she continued, “It didn’t even register to me that it was the middle of the night. She looked so damn cute when she answered her door half asleep. I must have looked like a mess because she invited me right in. I started to explain what happened. Tried to tell her I hadn’t meant to stand her up but then… she kissed me— and I— it was— didn’t know what happened but next thing I knew. God I was so hungry. I’ve never been so hungry before and then— then I wasn’t. And Lauren was dead. I never— I didn’t mean to—“ she choked. Ruby suddenly got up and went to the bathroom sink to splash water on her face.

Willow swallowed a hard lump in her throat. She had already guessed the story didn’t have a happy ending. She puffed out a breath and followed her into the bathroom.

“Ruby—“

“That wasn’t even the worst of it. If you can believe that.” She stood with her hands on either side of the sink. Her shoulders shook as she continued, “The worst part is that I didn’t leave. See I had a moment of clarity and I realized what had happened. That I’d become what my baby sister had been born to kill. But I was relishing it. I didn’t see it as a ‘bad’ thing at the time. I felt so… alive.” She laughed bitterly.

The sound made the hair on the back of Willow’s neck stand up.

“How ironic is that? I actually felt alive for the first time. I drained the girl I wanted to be with of life and somehow I felt alive. Sick—- I actually hung out at Lauren’s, for a bit. Killed her roommate when she came home and caught me going through their stuff… Never gave it a thought… I even took a shower. Took some of her roommate’s clothes and then– then I left.”

“Goddess that’s—“

“Ran into a group of vamps in an old building I went in for the day. One of ‘em started telling me off for killing right off. Saying I should be turning them. Give the Slayers something to fight. I showed them where to find the castle. I showed them where to hit. It just grew from there— It’s all my fault— all of it.”

“How many know?”

She shook her head, “Just the ones that got away. I don’t know how many that was. They were all pretty focused on the kill. I told them to hold off until I got into the castle. That I’d force someone to let them in… that’s sort of where the plan fell apart. Wasn’t a great plan in retrospect.”

Willow stood behind her and gripped Ruby’s shoulders comfortingly, “Ruby, please, don’t do this. You need rest.”

“Been sleeping most of the day as it is.”

“You’re nocturnal and you’ve been through a lot in the last few days. You should be sleeping most of the day.”

“Why do you care so much? Why do all of this anyway? The soul thing I mean. From what I hear there was only ever two and what, now baby makes three?”

“It wasn’t just that.”

“Sheena?”

“Yeah. That and I was able to find an Orb of Thesulah pretty easily this time. It just seemed like the right thing to do.”

“The right thing to do… yeah…”

“Ruby, please. I’m dead on my feet here. You need sleep.”

“Says the girl with a pulse,” she scoffed.

“Come on, let's get you in bed.”

“What would your girlfriend think of that, I wonder?”

“Come on,” she answered as she steered her towards the cot and the pile of rumpled blankets on it. Ignoring the comment.

“Well the good news is that the spell I’m doing tonight should not only keep any unwanted vampires off the property but it should also keep them from finding it again too.”

Ruby sat down on the cot looking at her with interest, “You can do that?”

“Yup. I might not be super strong but I pack a punch.”

“Big things in small packages and all that, yeah?”

Willow smiled warmly.

“Now that’s just not fair. I’m trying to be all remorseful and repentant and then you go and do a thing like that—“ Ruby laughed weakly.

“I humm…”

“No, I know. Still kind of have a girlfriend and I’m a mental case— absolute scum, piece of shit– a monster.”

“You’re not a piece of shit or scum–”

“Tell that to Lauren and her roommate, how about the little Slayer I killed, or how about my baby sister? Pretty sure they’d all tell you I’m scum right about now… and I’m definitely a monster.”

“Technically I guess ‘monster’ is true but you’re not a monster-y monster. You don’t have to be.”

“Right, supposed to dawn a white hat now.”

“Give it time. Apparently killing demons is good for the soul. According to Spike that is.”

“Guess it factors into the repentance angle of things.”

“It definitely does. Spike was evil almost a century and a half before he got his soul and he’s a good guy now. He’ll help you through stuff, he’s actually a surprisingly good teacher. Buffy too.”

“And you?”

“I’m actually going to Rome soon.”

Ruby shifted uncomfortably, “Wow, I know the timing is bad and I came on a bit strong and all but I didn’t think I’d scare you off to a different country,” she sat back onto the cot a little further hugging her knees, “Wait a tic, don’t you live here? I mean the castle, not the under-construction vampire housing.”

“I’m going to be moving in when it’s done. I still live in Rome. I’m just here visiting because of the attack on the castle.”

“Making it hard for me to feel sorry for the castle bit now. Thanks for letting me stay here.”

“It’s nothing. Do you— do you want to come upstairs? I can show you what I have in mind for the place.”

“I’d like that, but aren’t we cutting into your nap time? I’d hate for your spell to go all wonky because I’ve kept you up. You aren’t leaving today are you?”

“End of the week, although I might call work and stay a little longer if they need me. Seems to be a backlog of witchy-work for me here.”

“You can show me round another time then. I’m thinking you’re probably right about getting some rest. You’re welcome to join me.”

“The cot isn’t very big.”

“Might have to look into getting a proper bed in here if I’m staying on.”

“What about your parents?”

“I’d like to see them but— the vampire thing— Even with the soul; I’m not— I feel horrible about the killing; I really do… but I don’t feel bad about being me. I’m—“ she grasped Willow’s hand lightly, “I don’t want to pretend I’m their ‘normal’, introverted daughter anymore because, I’m not—- I just don’t want to— I don’t want to go back to being repressed and hiding who I am. I can’t go back to university and I can’t go back to that house and just live there like I just have a sun allergy and a taste for blood.”

“I barely know you and I’m already really proud of you… and you know you’re welcome to live here— eh, in the basement. I’m totally fine with you staying here while I’m in Rome.”

“Ta. So hum, how about after you move in?”

“Let’s just see how things go. I’m not even sure how long it is going to take to fix the place up.”

“But you’ll definitely be back, yeah?”

“Might be a few months but yeah. I’m definitely coming back. I have a job here and everything.” She found herself leaving off the part about having done the same job remotely for the past year and that she would likely be starting the school year off the same way, but then hastily added, “I work at a library in Rome.”

“Bet you rock the sexy librarian bit,” Ruby bit her lip shyly.

Willow cleared her throat, “I like books. I haven’t seen the attic yet but Buffy says it already has bookshelves, I’m really looking forward to— I’m being-book girl. Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I like books too. I think it’s adorable.”

“I- I better get going. You get some rest,” but Willow still made no move to leave. How many times had she started to leave now?

“You too. Maybe I’ll see you tonight?”

“Humm, yeah I think so, probably. I think we were planning on getting you some of your stuff.”

“Most of it’s at Uni.”

Willow nodded, “That’s probably better anyway. Baby-steps. I’ll talk to Buffy, we can probably hit the campus tonight after the hospital,” she yawned.

“That’s enough of that. You’ve got that protection spell in the works, and you want to check out my little sis? I don’t know much about magic yet, but I imagine it takes focus and for that you need rest.”

“Yet huhh?”

“It’s been an eye opening fortnight. There’s been a lot to wrap my head around and the way I see it, I’m not done. Magic isn’t only very real but it’s sort of fascinating. Now, I get the feeling you and I could talk all day and night; but you need sleep darling. Don’t want you doing subpar poking around in my sister’s head now do we? Now, you can either head back to whatever cozy spot you got in the castle there, or you can snuggle in here with me. Your choice.”

“Ahhh… I’d better.”

“Yeah, I think you’d better,” she grinned lazily as she watched Willow finally retreat off the little bed and towards the stairs. She pursed her lips, “Thanks for the chat.”

“Sure, you’re welc—“ she stopped herself, “No, thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me.”

There was a moment of stunned silence between them before Willow finally turned and left up the stairs.

**************************

Outside, she glanced up into the orchard at the back of the castle as she made her way to the front. Buffy, Xander, Faith, and Callum were setting up for an impromptu going away party for the older girls. Zari and Wendy were leaving today. Faith had this crazy idea of setting up a sort of obstacle course in what was left of the orchard. She had made targets for the girls to throw weapons at, like a weird party game. Willow was certain that the attempt at such frivolity was a mistake but she wasn’t about to argue.

Right now she was too tired. Her stomach grumbled. And apparently hungry too… She sighed as she headed into the kitchen where Spike was sitting at the large dinner table with his injured leg propped on a chair and a large container of blood in front of him.

“How’s Ruby?”

“How— Xan.”

“That and a bit of deductive reasoning.”

“Yeah we had a nice long chat.”

“Get to the bottom of this Lauren business?”

“Yeah… got an update on her body-count too— she’s in rough shape.”

“She opened up to someone. That’s a good start.” He nodded, “What kind of body-count are we talking about here?”

“Three including Deloris.”

“The benefits of youth.”

“Pretty sure it’s just three too many for her.”

He nodded, “Still, it’s a nice low number she can come to terms with over time.”

“She’s lucky to have you.”

Spike rolled a shoulder, unwilling to say more. He wasn’t really sure what he could offer her except experience and he wasn’t sure if that would be enough. He took another drink of blood, “Bloody hell, I’m knackered.”

“I’m surprised you’re even up.”

He let out a long suffering sigh, “Wouldn’t be but for the girls. Figured blood was the next best thing to proper rest.”

“You look a little better.”

“Bones are settling in place nicely. Blood helps, human would be better but this gets the job done.”

“That’s just weird.”

“What is?”

“The way vampires heal, it’s really weird. Like your bones just set themselves?”

“Only partly, depends on the break. Sometimes they require a little ‘nudge’ in the right direction. These breaks didn’t need a whole lot of convincing.”

“Ouch.”

He shrugged and drank deeply from the mug, “What d’you make of all this?” He asked waving a hand around the kitchen at the trays of snacks and drinks Faith had roped Buffy into helping her with.

“Yeah—“

“Bit in poor taste ain’t it?”

“Maybe a little… I’m surprised Buffy is going along with it. Or Callum for that matter.”

“We think this might be some weird coping thing Faith is trying— I don’t get it myself. No denying the girl seems off. Think this is all hitting her harder than she’s letting on. You notice Callum has barely left her side?”

“I just met the guy. I guess I just thought that was kinda normal for them.”

He shook his head, “Sure he’s been here a fair amount, just not like this. He’s nearly moved in… like he’s afraid she’s going to fall apart. What’s more is I think he’s right.”

Willow watched the three of them outside the window and shook her head. “I guess people grieve in different ways…”

“Going off the deep-end and trying to destroy the world after losing the love of your life, that I get— throwing a going away party for the graduating class after losing a student and having one in a coma— I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.”

Willow sat down across from him, “What did you say?”

“I— shit— I didn’t mean to open old wounds, Red. Mouth is ahead of my brain again and ya caught me in a bad moment. I’m just trying to sort out all this nonsense here. Didn’t really know Deloris that well if I’m being honest, but she was a sweet girl. I’m nearly as close to Sheena as I once was with Dawn. I know she’s hanging on but it all feels wrong… doing all this without her here…”

“I get it. Just don’t let Dawn hear you talk like that. Pretty sure you’re back on her ‘favorite peoples list’ in a big way since you came back.”

“Wouldn’t know. Haven’t seen the bit or even talked to her much since Buffy and I’ve been back in it. Thought crossed my mind, more than once, that maybe she didn’t really want to see me. But then why would she be seemingly fine with me regularly shagging her sister?”

“Wow, Spike, you really have a way with words.”

“First time round she was my violent golden goddess and I was the corpse shoved in her closet. We both knew it but it didn’t mean the same thing to the other. Neither of us were exactly gentle. Violent. Toxic. Course everything is different now. No more closet. We talk. Actually talk. And I love it, love her. I like being out in the open with her.”

Willow blinked, stunned, “I—“ she hesitated, then pressed her lips together. “She’s been referring to you as her brother-in-law, Dawn has, I mean, did you know that?”

He had a feeling that wasn’t what she wanted to say but he didn’t press, “Buffy might’ve mentioned it.”

“Believe me, she likes you.”

He nodded, looking at the blood in the container in front of him.

“Thank you,” Willow said suddenly.

He gave her a questioning look, “For what?”

“Understanding. About Tara. Buffy and Xan— they said they understood but I don’t think they really did— not until this past year. Okay Buffy, did but— I mean— more I guess— ok that sounds awful— I just— “

“I know what you mean. Girl has known too much loss already. Look, I really liked Tara, she was always kind. Good to me when everyone else treated me like dirt. She helped Buffy through a hard time when I was too blind to see what she really needed. Means a lot in retrospect. Can’t hardly blame you for goin’ dark really.”

“It still doesn’t justify what I did.”

He shrugged, “Dunno if I’d go that far. I might’ve helped you had I been round.”

“No. You wouldn’t have. You would have helped Buffy and you would have been right.”

“Not sure how I’d react if I lost her the way you lost Tara. If you hadn’t– If I’d come back and found her gone— soul or no soul. Crazy or not… I don’t think it would have been pretty…”

They were both quiet for a moment as they watched the proceedings outside the kitchen window. Spike took another long swallow of blood then spoke again, “You know, by the time I was the age Buffy is now I’d only lost one person I’d loved, not her though.”

“That was random. Who was it?”

“Humm?” He hummed through a sip of blood.

“Who did you lose?”

“My father. When I was ‘bout fifteen.”

“I’m sorry.”

Spike snapped out of his melancholy, “Doesn’t matter now, does it? You look knackered. Did you need something other than a cozy spot to crash?”

“Food.”

He raised his eyebrows, “Well this is the kitchen. Go on, don’t let me stop you. Don’t think they’ll notice if you hit the cheese plate and I think there’s some fruit salad in the fridge. You look a bit peaky.”

“Thanks.”

“Any time, Red.”

“No, really. Thanks, Spike. Humm… William. It really means a lot to hear it.”

He gave her a serious nod, “Just telling you the truth is all. You’re stealing Buffy’s tricks by the way. She almost only ever calls me ‘William’ when she’s dead serious about something.”

She squirmed a little, “Yeah, I know. That’s why I said it too.”

“Message received.” He tipped the blood in a salute and downed it.

Moments later, after Willow had managed to get some food, the girls came down in a storm to eat and celebrate the Level 4 girls completion of the training program. Willow had taken up a seat on Spike’s right and had refilled his blood for him. The two sat in alternating bouts of friendly conversation and companionable silence as the girls swarmed around them in a frenzy before slowly flitting outside.

Willow yawned.

“Bloody hell, go on Red, get some kip, you got that spell going later. I’ll cover for you.”

“Tell Buffy I want to take Ruby with us to the hospital later and then to Ruby’s place near campus to get her clothes and things.”

“I’ll tell her. You go on before anyone else keeps you up any longer would you?”

“I’m goin’, I’m goin’, yeesh.”

Spike chuckled, “I’ll believe that when you’re sawing logs.”

********************

Spike was on the couch watching an old black and white horror movie when Buffy and Faith returned from taking Wendy and Zari to the airport with Giles. Nothing had gone according to plan since the attack on the castle but at least the first two girls were off to their new placements. Wendy to Miami and Zari to Cleveland. Tomorrow would be Ursula and Addison’s turn, they would both be going to Pittsburgh.

Faith made a quick excuse and ran upstairs.

Giles sat himself down gingerly on the other couch, carefully propping his leg up.

Buffy positioned herself on the edge of the couch where Spike was laying on his good side and leaned into him for a kiss.

“How was it?” he asked.

“Fine. They have their contacts lined up and they are supposed to call when they get in.”

“About time something went right.”

“No kidding!” She huffed as she slumped against him.

He let out a brief hiss of pain but waved off the look of concern she shot him. Instead he wrapped an arm around her loosely, pulling her in a little bit more, “Wasn’t braced for that is all. You know I can take whatever you throw at me, Slayer.”

She settled into him a little more, “Has Willow been down yet?”

“Not that I’ve seen but I’ve been dozing since things quieted down, just woke up a bit ago.”

“I’m glad you got some rest. Maybe we should get you back upstairs.”

He raised an eyebrow, “You know, I’ve been thinking.”

“About the demons that did this to you?”

“Well, been thinking about that too but I was talking about the other day actually. Sure did give me some ideas to keep me entertained while I convoless.” He purred seductively.

Buffy thought through their link, How can you even think about sex right now? You can barely move.

He turned his head towards the TV as though he were interested in the movie but answered her with his thoughts. That’s exactly what’s got me thinking, well that and Ruby’s shackles layin’ in the utility room there. Perfect opportunity to let you have your wicked way with me.

“Ah—Ohhh…”

Unless you’re opposed to opening that particular door again. You know I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, Love. I know things are different, lot less fear and loathing between us now, but maybe we should have a little talk. Yeah? Later? Not in front of the Watcher that is. He shot Giles a flickering glance behind her shoulder, “Please?” His voice came out hushed.

Buffy couldn’t help wondering if he was asking because the guilt was eating at him again. Not that it ever left completely, but it came in waves. Sometimes he was almost despondent under the weight of his past and other times it was almost like none of it ever happened. Spike seemed to handle it much better than Angel ever did but still. Since the attack on the castle he had been a little more quiet. They both had, really. Then it had redoubled since Ruby got her soul. Now he was injured and asking Buffy to chain him up? For fun?

“I’m afraid I haven’t had much time to look for that sword in my research. I confess I’ve been a bit busy since Willow and Xander arrived,” Giles interrupted their nearly silent conversation.

Spike cleared his throat, “Think it might be time to reevaluate your priorities.”

“I assure you, Spike, what I’ve been working on is of the utmost importance to everyone in this castle and I am sure even you would agree with that.”

Spike eyed Buffy critically, “This is the thing that’s had your stomach in knots since your chat with Willow?” She nodded stiffly, more surprised by the fact that he hadn’t already asked what was bothering her and comforted by the thought of him waiting for her to come to him with it. “And you don’t have enough solid information yet to worry me about it, that it?”

“Pretty much.”

“You’ll tell me when you’re ready?”

“You know I will.”

“Right then, let’s crack on! Giles, do you have any theories about the sword and why these bastards wanted it so bad?”

“I think it’s likely a sword of power.”

“Neither of us got anything off of it, right Love?”

“No, nothing.”

“I’m not sure that either of you would. Willow may be able to sense something about it though.”

“Red is clocking some serious witching hours on this trip ain’t she? Are we sure that’s wise?”

“She has been through extensive training and is doing exceptionally well since the destruction of Sunnydale. I’m sure she will be quiet up to the task.”

“She’s finishing the boundary spell tonight before we take Ruby out,” Buffy checked her watch, “Speaking of, I should go find her. We have a lot of ground to cover tonight.”

“Should take Faith, make it a proper girls night.”

“Oh right, visiting a coma patient and clearing out Ruby’s place. Totally fun,” she rolled her eyes, “I’ll ask if she wants to see Sheena but I kinda doubt it. She sort of hates hospitals.”

“Yeah well starting to look like one around here,” he scoffed as he gestured to himself and Giles and their matching leg injuries, “The English don’t seem to be fairing very well.”

“Aww is it movie night in the infirmary?”

“Dunno, are you sticking around Rupert?”

“Only because I rather enjoy this film. I haven’t seen it in years.”

“See, classic horror is a crowd pleaser.”

“Just don’t bite Giles when your tummy gets all growly.”

“No chance, it’s Boris Karloff in ‘The Mummy’, not particularly appetizing.”

“So much ewww.”

[suckitsurveys]

Have you ever accidentally sent the wrong smiley? ;) Yeah. I also frequently send the thumbs up emoji accidentally because it’s a feature on Messenger, which is what I use to send texts as well as FB messages. I will open up a message and hit that accidentally ALL the time. You can also set the emoji to be something different. For example, I have a lipstick emoji for my friend Ellen and I will accidentally send that to her all the time lol.

Are you more likely to go drive-thru or actually walk in to get fast food? Drive-thru.

How many times have you had a nosebleed? At least twice that I can remember vividly.

If you were to make a lot of noise right now, would you wake anyone up? Nope. I am at work and everyone here is awake. I doubt I could make enough noise to disturb the hotel and condos near by.

Do you need to have a shower right now? Nope, I took one last night.

How many vowels are in your middle name? 2, but one of them shows up twice.

Do you have all of the vowels in your full name? Nope. There is no O or U.

Are you currently crushing on anyone? Celebrities, lol. And my husband always.

How do you feel right now? I’m tired and irritated because I cannot regulate my temperature. Window opened: too cold. Window closed: too hot.

Do you talk in your sleep that you know of? Not really.

Have you ever been on a road trip of more than 10 hours? Yup. We once drove from Boston back home to Chicago and it took a total of 21 hours.

Are you waiting for anything right now? This work day to end.

How far away is the nearest KFC? From my house? About a 5 minute drive. From work? No idea.

Do you use reusable bags when you go grocery shopping? Yes. Chicago charges you for plastic bags.

Have you ever met someone online and then met them in person? Oh yes. I wouldn’t have half my best friends or my husband if I didn’t do that.

Do you tend to wake up in a different position you fell asleep in? I honestly never notice. What does your perfume or cologne smell like? Poppies currently.

Is there a bookshelf in your bedroom? Yes.

Have you ever seen Flight of the Conchords? Yesssssss, I should rewatch that. Kristen Schaal is amazing.

How many hours away is the next sunset? About 7 hours away.

What was the last flavour of ice cream you ate? It was a Twix ice cream bar.

Do you want to move out of your current house any time soon? Why or why not? I mean, yes and no. I’m happy with our location and the apartment but I’d LOVE to be in a home of our own.

Are there a lot of noisy birds around your house? Yup.

Have you been to a fancy restaurant in the past year? Yes.

How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? 5ish.

Do you follow recipes carefully or just skim over quickly? Depends on the recipe.

What colour are your favourite cousin’s eyes? Green.

Have you ever nearly fallen asleep behind the wheel of a car? Yes. Are you hungry right now? I just had some yogurt and pomegranate.

Do bugs bother you or not? Not in general, but they can, especially if they’re flying all around my face and shit. When was the last time you played a board game? Who did you play with? It’s been a while; I can’t even remember.

Don’t you hate having to call banks and insurance companies? I hate having to call anyone ever.

Do you know anyone named Harley? I don’t think so.

Are there any dints or scratches on your car? Yes. There’s also a big rust spot under the gas tank door. When the car was my dad’s, he used to take the pump away too quickly and the gas would drip down the side of the car.

What’s your favourite place to shop for bras and underwear? Torrid or Lane Bryant.

Have you ever thrown someone’s stuff away on purpose? Yes.

Do you have any cool or cute keychains? Yeah.

Is your mailing address different than your residential address? Yes and no. I still get some stuff mailed to my dad’s.

Are there any farms near your house? What animals do they have? Nope.

Do you ever write in cursive? Only when signing something. I do still write my lowercase Gs, Ys and Qs in cursive, though.

[kittyprincessofcats]

Okay: Doping Stuff™

- First things first, and as far as I’ve seen we’re thankfully all in agreement on this one: This is not Kamila’s fault. She’s only 15, she’s coached by a very famously abusive coach who starves her students, forces them to compete while injured, and blames everything on them when anything goes wrong. (I could now go into examples of Eteri abusing her students, but really, we’ve been over those a million times before. If you’re new to skating and don’t know them, a few searches will tell you everything.) The point is that Kamila is in a very strict environment and doesn’t get a say about anything. The blame here lies entirely with the adults around her, not with the 15-year-old who was taught to just do as she’s told. Like... I hope we’re all aware that the 15-year-old didn’t just go to the pharmacy and buy a specific rare medication against cardiovascular diseases.

(So to be clear, when I talk about “evil doping Russians” in this post from now, I’m talking about the people responsible for this: Eteri and company, all the responsible adults, not Kamila.)

- Speaking of Eteri and company and every other adult responsible for this (including Kamila’s parents if they knew about it): If (if!) this whole thing is true, they need to face the harshest possible consquences, period. I want to see actual and severe consequences because this actually is a huge deal. You can’t just dope at the Olympics and get away with it. I’m already so angry at how Russia’s government-ordered (!!!) doping scandal only had the consequence of them having a slightly  different flag and different anthem. That’s not enough. It’s never been enough. I want to actually see cheating punished and punished harshly.

- Most of all, I want this to be the end of Eteri’s empire. We’ve all been pointing out her abusive coaching methods for years. We’ve all been talking about how she uses these girls for her own fame, ruins their bodies and mental health and then throws them away after two years. And yet RusFed kept propping her up and doing everything she wants, the ISU gave her a “coach of the year” award and overscored her skaters to hell and back, commentators like Ted Barton praised her and tried to silence anyone who voiced criticism of how she treats her students. I want this to finally be it. A doping violation at the Olympics is a huge deal. Drugging your skater who is a minor is a huge deal. I want this to finally make her face consequences. I want her banned from coaching figure skaters (or at least underage figure skaters) for life. Same for Dudakov, Gleichengauz and the whole team. I want that team doctor banned as well. Ban them all. These are the Olympics, not some small competition where everyone’s under her thumb. I want the IOC not to take Eteri’s shit. And if this costs them the Team Event Gold, I want Eteri to finally lose favour with RusFed as well.

- While they’re at it, I also want the IOC to investigate the ISU as a whole. I realize this part is very optimistic, but I want everyone who was complicit in upholding Eteri for so long to be held responsible. I want every commentator who’s ever praised her methods or downplayed the abuse to eat their words. I want the ISU to be investigated for the many sexual abuse scandals and the judging bias as well. Just reform the entire thing.

- If Kamila’s test really is positive that for me also raises the question: What about Sasha and Anna? Because if Eteri’s not above drugging one skater, I doubt she’s above drugging the others. I’m worried about Sasha and Anna in general because I was really surprised when they decided not to switch to either of them for the team event free skate. It wouldn’t have changed the result, only have given them one more “Olympic champion”. And when has Russia ever said no to that?

- It also raises the question of whether Eteri’s just been doping her skaters all along.

- If (again - if!) this is all true, then yes, I do think the team gold should be invalidated. Rules are rules.

- Whether it would be fair to still let Kamila compete in the individual event is a hard question - but again, I’m going to say no (as harsh as that is because this really isn’t her fault). I mean, this test was supposedly from december and I’m  not sure how long the effects of trimetazidine last - but even beyond that: rules are rules.

- Which brings me to a next point: Again, I don’t blame Kamila for this at all and it’s awful that she’s caught in this situation. But someone on twitter brought up an interesting point about how it’s dangerous to let under-16-year-olds compete while also considering them “not mature enough to understand doping rules”, because this could lead to coaches abusing young kids even more because of this “loophole”.

- I just hope that there will be consequences for Eteri and I hate how the Russian media is already trying to pin the blame on Kamila. That’s what they always do and that’s what Eteri is going to do, because at the end of the day, Kamila is disposable to them. She has other skaters who can win the gold. She was going to throw her away in two years anyway. She, RusFed and the Russian media don’t really need Kamila and they don’t really care about her. They’ll throw her under the bus and pin the blame on her to save Eteri’s reputation. They’ll gladly sacrifice all of these girls for Eteri because that’s who gives them more. I really hope things will be different this time (because really, it’s obvious AF who’s to blame here), but I don’t doubt that Eteri and company will TRY to make Kamila take the fall.

- That said, I really hope Kamila has people around her who support her right now. Unfortunately I doubt it (based on what I’ve seen of her mom), but I really hope I’m wrong there. No child deserves what she’s going through right now.