#why I gotta be a houseplant with such complicated emotions

[ultimateaclrecovery]

So I need to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend about how our relationship is going, and I’m not really sure what the end result will be. I’m not really looking to end things but things also can’t continue as they currently are.

The awkward parts of this the next time I will see him in person is valentines and the second awkward part is I still need to decide if I’m going to join him and then his family in Italy and then buy a flight if so. I don’t really want to have an intense conversation with a potential sad outcome on Valentine’s Day but I also kind of want to make sure we aren’t just going to instantly break up before I buy a flight. And I don’t want to wait to long on buying a flight in case prices go up. The flights from the USA would be fully refundable for a future flight credits but one leg of the trip is with an international airline (still Ike’s through the us one though) and flights not departing from the us would have change fees. If we talk and decide to keep going and then break up in couple months of making changes doesn’t work, I’ll just change my flights and go ride ponies in Portugal in October instead and if I pay some change fees such it goes. But I don’t want to buy a flight today and break up within the week.

But I also can’t fake anything so trying to wait until Friday or Saturday when we’d most likely see other again and just trying to enjoy the moment on valentines probably won’t work for me.

So then I’m left with either calling him today or tomorrow or just having a hard conversation on valentines. The current plan is to make heart shaped ravioli, so I’d feel like we’d probably do that and have dinner and maybe then talk.

It’s extra annoying because I fully fell for Instagram ads of the lingerie with the bow around the boobs and I wanted to wear that as a fun surprise. But that only works if the conversation is a good one.

I’ve been having some negative feelings for awhile but it took a little bit of self reflection to really sort out my own feelings and what I need and try to figure out what is my own insecurities and anxieties (that I need to work on for my own self) what things I do actually need from him to be happy in the relationship.

I also have a therapy consult scheduled for Wednesday (thru a work program that offers 8 free sessions). It it’s just a 15 min intake sort of thing vs an actual appointment. And that will take time to work thru.

But I actually feel very good about the steps I’m taking/planning to take even if the timing is terrible. And I have all my talking points laid out for what I need to remember to bring up (yes I made a detailed yes, and yes maybe that’s insane but I wanted to get my thoughts in order).

I had mentioned on Saturday morning that we should actually talk about things and we discussed what sort of setting we should have those talks in (I like to bring things up as we’re falling asleep because it’s quite and feels intimate but then he’s half asleep so that’s not great). So hopefully he doesn’t feel too blinded but I’m wondering if I should give him more of a heads or ask if it’d be okay to talk about some things then. Or if it that would just make it worse

[upwardeath]

k here’s some more words you’re not going to read. If you actually do you’re my hero. Thanks for tagging me @holy-panther. Also answering some I didn’t get to earlier.

@kishka questions:

1. Which language sounds the nicest to your ears?

Italian.

2. Does your native language have any dialects you absolutely cannot stand? If yes, why?

Southern American is annoying. Particularly Southern Appalachian. But maybe just bc I grew up in the south.

3. Which is your favorite place you’ve ever been to?

Switzerland, maybe, or any place where I’m completely surrounded my mountains. There are some awesome places here in Colorado. Standing on top of a mountain I just summited is a fave. Sitting and talking with someone I love anywhere.

4. What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve seen an animal do?

My dog ate a giant ass toy giraffe, how in the hell he managed to choke that thing down, I don’t know, but he did and had to have surgery to get it removed.

5. How do you take your tea/coffee/preferred hot beverage? 

Espresso. Or Americano. But I prefer iced coffee tbh.

6. If you could cosplay any character, which one would you choose? Why?

Some badass femme fatale, I don’t know. Because hot.

7. What details in character designs catch your eye the most?

Oooohhhh, good fucking question. The eyes. Clean lines. Not overly complicated. And the thing that draws my eyes the most is emotion in the expression and dramatic movement in the body. But I guess that’s more what the character is doing and less about the design. I mean attractive character designs catch my eye, lol.

8. What is your least favorite art movement?

Cubism.

9. Moths or butterflies?

Why i gotta pick? Lol, moths?

10. What were you obsessed with as a child?

Collecting sports cards and rocks. My rock tumbler. LOL. Puzzles. My bike. Playing outside. Video games. Designing my dream home, I had a huge notebook and that thing was fucking amazing. Reading. Listening to music by myself in my room.

11. Do you have any houseplants? If yes, do you give them names?

I have some succulents and they’re the only thing I can keep alive. I had a palm that i liked but it died. I killed it. I don’t give them names. But i do talk to them. I just refer to them as little guys.

@holy-panther questions:

1. stupid things you did, whether recently or as a child

I used to “kamikaze” into the bayous on my bike and build forts, like I’d actually fortify it and build traps and weapons to keep people out, I made “bombs” in glass jars out of fireworks and set a vacant lot of fire.

2. do you like the place where you grew up?

In some ways yes, but mostly no I hate Houston.

3. favorite fiction genres

Already answered but I like fantasy too.

4. in what kind of place do you want to be right now?

Not in America I can tell you that.

5. musical recommendations?

I don’t feel like deciding on any right now but I post songs, you can check my music tag.

6. do you believe in eternal love?

Yes.

7. ideal house/apartment?

Something with wide open space inside and/or out. Something with access to a big city. Or a cabin in the woods.

8. would you rather read a book or watch a movie?

Book, unless I’m very tired.

9. The movie, would you rather watch it at home or at the movie theater?

Home usually unless it’s action/adventure.

10. documentary or museum? why?

Museum, I love art, and while I dig documentaries to, I have more fun in a museum?

11. walk in town or in the wild?

Both.

12. would you let me draw on your arms without looking at what i'm doing ?

Yes.

And here’s my questions again if anyone wants to answer them:

My questions (I’m yoinking some from others):

1. Names you find beautiful?

2. What’s a song that embodies you as a person best?

3. Do you have any weird/out-there theories? What are they if I may ask?

4. Do you have a favorite enneagram/mbti type?

5. What’s the thing that annoys you most?

6. Where would you live if you could choose one place in the world?

7. What are your hobbies?

8. What are your religious beliefs, if any?

9. Do you like pizza? Yes or no?

10. Do you have any vices and what are they?

11. What’s something random you were thinking about today?

Tagging: @syntheticalcomposure @descardess @de-nihilist @antisocieties @azenta @alverlind @new-born-1997 and anyone else who clicks on my stuff and I click on theirs.