#who’s trying to get her adopted niece to stop overthinking everything and just start

[bubblewater]

Why ship Moana x Matangi when Moana x Loto is RIGHT THERE

Like Spirit Granny can’t pull the Bat Lady

[imnotanybody]

To the one reading this, may you finally breathe and freely cry without having to explain your pain. 🦋

Photo taken at Pinto Art Museum

As a child, I would remember myself sitting on the floor of my locked room, sometimes, inside my closet, crying and heavily breathing. I could hardly recall the specific reasons for my tears, but all I know is that I was in deep pain, so deep that it nearly teared up my heart literally. I could somehow only recall that the ultimate cause of my pain was my inability to conquer frustrations in my life (yes, even as a kid, I had my fair share of life frustrations) as well as lack of encouragement from the people I looked up to.

My mom and dad would knock on my door, at times, insistently, so I would open it. When they saw me, putting my best efforts to wear a straight face and hide any traces of tears, they would ask, "Bakit ka ba umiiyak? Ano ba ang problema mo, anak?” I would also remember that out of frustration, my dad would forcefully bring me outside our house, lock the front door to prevent me from coming in as a punishment, because I couldn't stop crying. Don't get me wrong. My dad wasn’t a bad father. He loved and continue to love us dearly. It's just that he didn't want to see us crying without any reason. Para kasing tantrums lang. I totally understood him.

But to date, unbeknownst to the people present at that moment, I had my reason -- I got hurt by an insult that made me question, even up to know, my self-worth.

I grew up with many such like episodes in my life - as a kid, a teenager, and even as a young adult. I would cry because I heard someone close to me said that I'm stupid, that I'm not good enough, that I’m ugly, and all those kinds of negativity. I even had actual events where those words were somehow proven to be true to me; so many rejections from people, in school, jobs, etc. I know you will say that I should have just ignored them and should have believed in myself more, but it was indeed easier said than done. For an average kid who did not even know how to express herself, who had a low self-esteem and who used to admire those culprits, it was extremely hard to ignore them. In other words, I believed them. I was even so scared of disappointing them by expressing my hurt. It was like being okay with trying to be okay. And so, I remained that way - OKAY. But little did I know that I had the right to feel what I feel and not be sorry for it.

Going back to my crying episodes, please do not assume that I lived a very sad life -- No, it wasn’t like that. I had many moments that I was happy. I was a happy child. I had hobbies and interests. I had the best, albeit not perfect, family, and I had the best-est friends. It's just that I wished they understood me more, because, we all have the right to feel what we feel and not be sorry for it.

In stating that I had reasons for crying, it was not really them that caused me pain. It was the fact that I was too scared to even talk about those reasons, because people might not understand my pain, and might find me ~too sensitive~. Unlike my thoughts back then, you have the right to feel what you feel and not be sorry for it.

There was one time, in 2019, while a two-year old niece of my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) was vacationing at our house, she used to cry non-stop, and when she was being asked why, she wouldn't respond and would just keep on crying. My brother said then that I used to be like that kid, a ferocious crier without having any reasons at all. But then again, I had my reasons, I had my pain. I then realized that even when as a kid, I adopted this habit of being ashamed of speaking about my pain; maybe because I was too scared to hear these words: "Parang yun lang?" "Ang dami mong arte". I was too afraid to be criticized for being able to feel. Later on, I will tell you, if you are like me then, why you should stop. Besides, you have the right to feel what you feel and not be sorry for it.

Now that I grew older, with many life-changing experiences, I cannot say whole-heartedly that I'm a totally changed person. I would still get hurt-cry-find comfort from others-be criticized-stand back up-comfort myself-be okay. It has become a cycle of coping up for me. There was a slight change, I could say, that is -- I cried less, and I was able to master the art of having my own back. Nonetheless, the fact of still trying to hide my pain remained, and so it is making me difficult to breathe. But do not be like me. Remember, you have the right to feel what you feel and not be sorry for it.

Until now, whenever I have problems, I would shy away from seeking immediate comfort from others. I rarely share my pain to the few whom I trust and love dearly, but still the fear is there, like a shadow visible only under the moonlight. But again, do not let the same fear linger, for you have the right to feel what you feel and not be sorry for it.

Allow me to share one instance that I hope would never happen to you and if it would, I wish for you to handle it differently than I did -- I was betrayed by used to be closest people to me. They were "my people" back then. Naturally, the betrayal caused me pain - that kind of pain I have never imagined I would get to feel in my 9 lives if I were a cat. But hey, life sometimes sucks, right? And it did. The pain worsened not because of the betrayal itself (I believe that has been quite settled) but because of what was done to me thereafter. I was made to appear like a crazy-overthinking witch. In that story, everyone was a victim but me. Hence, most of the battle wounds came from the unfortunate circumstance of making me feel guilty that I got hurt by it. You know - imagine people throwing stones at you and demanding that you apologize to them while you bleed; imagine someone stabbing you with a knife and claiming it was your fault you died, because you kept bleeding; imagine them trying to conceal your wounds they themselves inflicted by leaving you in the dark, so no one would see. There was no choice then but to self-heal. That was how it felt. That is how it feels. This is why you should avoid, by all means, being like me. For this, I owe my mind and my heart a lifetime’s worth of apology. I had to tell myself, "you have the right to feel what you feel and not be sorry for it".

Another instance would be everytime I try to speak of my fears and worries, I got too tired and afraid of the typical "Think positive", "Mabuti ka nga ganyan lang ang problema mo", "wag ka kasi ganyan mag-isip". Don't get me wrong. I totally grasp the idea of the need to think big and look at the brighter side of life, and I appreciate the people who try to talk it out with me. It's just that I wish I could have more people who choose to understand more, to tell me instead, "Whatever it is, your emotions are totally valid, and I am here to listen". You have the right to feel what you feel and not be sorry for it.

I often find myself asking why suicide is committed mostly by those who seemed to have no problems in life. Neither did I realize sooner that the answer is exactly that -- "they seem to have no problems in life". Family, friends, colleagues would see these people smiling and laughing. You might say, "But she appeared to be very happy and seemed to have a perfect life, and she would tell no one of her problems". Sorry, darling, but no. The unstated fact is that she did, she tried to open up, but you didn't take her words for it. She asked for help, but you were blinded by her "perfect" life. Your response to her almost always sounded like, "Just shake it all off" or the dismissive common words, "It could be worse. Just think positive". And so, she chose to laugh her problems all off because to her, no one would understand. She was afraid no one would believe her hurt and no one would see the bleeding. She was asked to explain and justify her pain, but she grew tired of it. And just like that, an internal hemorrhage, it took her life without leaving any mark. But did you know she was going to take her own life? No. In fact, no one knew, not even her. And you were left standing in front of a tombstone full of regrets. So please, do not be like the sad soul of the bearer of a "perfect" life. Cry if you must and know that everything will be alright in time, because you have the right to feel what you feel and not be sorry for it.

Remember when I said I was too afraid to be criticized for being able to feel? Well, as promised, here is one reason why you should not be: You have the right to feel what you feel and not be sorry for it.

I had become accustomed to the toxic habit of feeling sorry for being hurt, for feeling pain, but do not think about me. I have learned to drink that poison without dying. So unlike me, you may still have time to change this if you happen to see yourself being eaten alive by this very same poison.

Unlike me, do not apologize for being hurt. Your feelings are perfectly valid. Try to be alive as much as you can, and try to own your feelings and emotions. You will get better in time.

Unlike me, be gentle to yourself. Strive to be positive and happy without dismissing the fact that sometimes it is okay not to be okay.

Unlike me, learn to love deeply, but start by loving yourself. You are one loved being created by God, so always trust that He gave you enough strength to love people with all your heart, and that includes yourself. Therefore, if I could give you something that I was able to get from all these, it is that -- you should learn how to have your own back.

Unlike me, always, always protect your heart. I know it is impossible to totally eradicate pain, but as much as possible, shield it from the deadly weapon of blind love and the desire to please others.

Above all, unlike me, know your worth. You are God's child. You are a daughter of a King. Straighten up that crown and be your own warrior. Let that sink in. Because at the end of the day, you are the captain of the ship of your life.

It may have been too late for me, but not for you. And so, tonight I'll pray and to your ear I'll whisper, "May you finally breathe and freely cry without having to explain your pain".

From the kid who used to cry herself to sleep,

TC

P.S. Even if it is too late for me, I want you to know that I did not give up. I chose to "shake it all off" as I intentionally want to be remembered as the one who loves without expecting to be loved in return.

Caveat: The above content does not, in any way, enable being selfish, close-minded, and most importantly, does not encourage suicide. Suicide does not stop the pain. It only passes the pain to others who we love dearly. Besides, all of us have respective stories to tell. The point is, be gentle to yourself. 🖤

05/2020

[noinchan]

Day 8 - Free day

Since most of what I have written so far is damned depressive, I have decided that today will be a happy day XD. So what is happier than this wonderful Kurofay University AU setting? It is the same AU, but in the future, and is sappy as hell. Have fun! (In this Yuui is Tsubasa Fay, while the twin is still Fay)

“I am not nervous. You are!” Yuui whines as he were pacing back and forth in the living room. His worried twin brother Fay trying to make him calm down as it was bad enough that Kurogane were already stressed out. The two of them would walk a hole in the floor soon.

“You are both nervous!” Fay complains in the end, as he was starting to feel nervous for the two of them as well. Honestly, Yuui and Kurogane had been married since they went to University and they still sucked at handling stress. “It is still early, they weren’t coming before 6, it is still 5.”

“But what if something happens? What if there is complications? Or… what if they change their mind?” Yuui starts thinking of all the things that could go wrong, Fay getting even more nervous as he could see that Kurogane latched unto each word and seemed to grow more worried as well. “What if we don’t look like fitting parents when they come here?”

The fretting Yuui takes the 4th round around the house to make sure everything seemed ready and safe for the baby girl that was on her way. Kurogane quickly making his way to inspect the baby’s room once more. The crib was safely put up, the eager Yuui having decorated it with a lot of pretty colors when they had made the baby room. He bends down to check if there was anything on the sides that could hurt someone. Finding nothing like nails pushing out anywhere or any sharp edges the baby could against and hurt itself.

“You two are just making the other worse…” Fay stammers as he looks from Kurogane inspecting if the place was child safe, to Yuui scrubbing some corner of the kitchen he felt was a little too dirty.

Then complete silence covers the house, as the looming sound of the doorbell echoed through the halls. The husbands looks nervous at each other, Kurogane deciding that it was up to him to open the door, as Yuui looked like he would start crying from a mix of terror and anticipation.

They were about to get their first child. After a long process of getting their lives together, and proving that their past mistakes was not a factor of their lives anymore (and a lot of behind the scenes help from Yuui’s family) they had finally been accepted as parents for a little baby girl that had been given up for adoption. Because of their past though, they would be under supervision for the first year, and they felt like if they did one thing wrong the child would be turned around in the door.

They couldn’t bear that though. They had worked so hard for this child. They had decided they wanted to be a family, and also have a child together. It had all become more real as they worked on the baby room, each day filled with anticipation and excitement. They had spent one week just making a list of things they wanted to do once they were parents. It was a habit they had from the bad times. To plan their future and have something to look against when they were at their lowest. Still, this time it had not been like that. This time they were at their highest, and they just planned their happy future, while being happy.

Once he has collected himself a little, Yuui hurries after Kurogane as well, as Kurogane had found himself stop before opening the door. This was a big step. It was more than adopting a cat, or a stray twin brother. They were taking in a small human. A small human being that would be dependent on them for the next 20+ years. Were they really ready to make such a commitment?

A glance back at the blonde, who takes a hold of his hand, deciding that they did this together. “Let us become parents before we have a nervous breakdown overthinking it.”

“You are one to talk.” Kurogane chuckles, spurred on by his husband, as he finally opens the door, expecting to find a serious person saying they could not have a child, but instead found a smiling woman holding a small bundle in her arms, rocking it a little to keep it from waking up.

“Hello Suwas, I have a little girl here that are excited to meet the two of you.” She giggles, as she had been working with them for this for a while now, having felt like they really deserved this chance in life. Overwhelmed, Kurogane and Yuui moves aside to let her into the warmth, as it was growing cold outside for winter. The two of them starting to realize this Christmas would be even more special, as they were going to be an even bigger family. “She was feeling a little under the weather, so you have to make sure she isn’t around anyone sick for a few days, but other than that she is just the biggest sunshine ever!”

The eager woman starts handing the baby over to Kurogane, who tries to hide his panic as a small life was placed in his hands, but the worry fade, as the small bundle starts stirring in his arms, cradled on his ruined hand, even the fact he was handicapped not seeming like a challenge now, as it held the small form without any problems. Small eyes opens, looking curious at the people around, Yuui brushing her small head gently, his hands shaking as he was fighting tears. She was perfect. Even more perfect than he had ever dreamt she would be.

Even Fay were eagerly looking at his first niece now, wanting to poke her soft cheeks as she looked squishy.

Looking her new family over, the little girl gives a smile, as Kurogane walks to sit down, feeling like he needed to sit as he was getting quite emotional as well, putting her over his lap as he brushes her cheek gently, earning a little giggle. Before earning a hug from his husband, as both of them were crying now, having gained the biggest gift in the world.