#who wouldve thought he could get prettier

[bishonenlover]

Takigawa Masaki -Tsurune: Tsunagari no Issha episode 01

[mybelovedvampire]

My thoughts rn:

I knew this guy on discord who looked like leon kennedy, i ended what could've been a relationship with him on purpose because I thought I was way too ugly for him. To make sure we never happen and I couldn't get heartbroken from him realizing I was ugly irl. I made sure to break his heart and destroy all bridges. I regret it tbh in some way, i miss him and think of him however I didnt want him to realize my online wasn't as pretty as my irl. I didn't want him to be disappointed. Whenever i see a zuko anything I think of him ngl since he was obsessed with Zuko.

I hate how my mind is, i hate how ugly i am, i hate that pretty boys only like beautiful girls. If i was prettier i wouldve allowed myself to be happy with him and wouldn't have self sabotage it. I feel so sorry for making him sad and angry about not knowing why I was doing it. I wish i could've sent a message explaining why I did what I did, i wish i did that. I wish i could send him a message now about it. I hate myself for hurting him. I cant though and I just hope he healed and forgot about me.

[plussizeappreciationfics]

Is there Anyway i can ask for a Simu Liu one shot where the reader is a plus sized journalist who gets to interview him and he falls in love with her. He cant help to wanna get a lil taste of it but shes shy becasue she never wouldve thought a celeb like him would notice her She is also Caribbean Black but shes just a loveable marshmallow who is a hopless romatic and wants to find her one true love.

I hope u can make this dream come true please and THANKS SO MUCH

I had been reccommended to you, welcome to my page:) hope you like the fic!

It's you and me baby

“I-I’ve never done this…” you shakily whispered while holding onto Simu’s broad shoulders for dear life, his soft lips leaving delicate kisses up and down your neck. He let out a pleased sigh, loving the fact that he was giving you nothing but pleasure. His arms wrapped around your thick waist tighter as he pulled you closer to his, your back still pressed against the door of your hotel room.

“I’ve never done this either…Falling for a gorgeous woman who’s supposed to be an interviewer…People would think I’m crazy” the Canadian actor mumbled in between the soft kisses, inhaling your sweet scent and feeling shivers run down his spine. He was crazy indeed. Simu wasn’t the guy to fall in love on first sight and then immediately act upon the newly discovered feelings.

He was the typical guy that would plan to pursue a woman throughout the course of a few months.

That was until he met you a three weeks ago during an online interview for his upcoming romance movie. The interview had lasted for fifteen minutes but he had been unable to keep his eyes away from you through his laptop screen, he even went off script once all of your questions had been answered by asking you were you were from so he could fly down and meet you in person.

“Simu” you whispered and gently pushed his gifted mouth off your neck before looking at him, your loud and rapid breaths echoing through the room. “What’s wrong, beautiful? Should I stop?” the concerned look on his face made you want to smash your lips against his again as he just looked so adorable, making your heart swell from joy and love.

“Are you sure that you have feelings for me?”

“Yes” he instantly responded without blinking, staring deeply into your beautiful eyes.

You cleared your throat as you hadn’t expected such an immediate and clear answer.

“Are you sure? People will talk about us. You will meet other women who are prettier than me-“

“Stop.” The actor gently ordered, unwrapping his strong arms from your thick waist and placing his warm hands on your cheeks, tenderly cupping your face.

“[Y/N], I don’t give a fuck about other people say. This feels so right to me, youare the one I want to love and cherish. I know we don’t know each other for that long, but I am here to stay. Stay with you. All you have to do is tell me whether you feel the same or not…” his eyes showed nothing but sincerity and love. The insecurities that were trying to consume you were all pushed away in that instant.

Your stomach fluttered in excitement while your heart skipped a beat, the way Simy looked at you made you feel like you were the most precious creature walking this earth. You could see your own beauty through his eyes and that made a bright smile appear on your face. “What?” the actor chuckled while copying your facial expression, not being able to get enough of your beautiful self.

“I’m down” you chuckled biting your lip afterwards as you didn’t have more to say. It was scary to think about the fact that the two of you were still strangers and living two completely different lives but the thought about Simu not leaving your side completed you. He completed you.

“It’s you and me, baby” he whispered, his hands gently moving down from your face to your shoulders, before you felt his tight and warm embrace around your waist again.

“Kiss me” you begged, yearning to lose yourself in his touches and forgetting about the world for a little while. Simu smiled and leaned in, rubbing his nose against yours in a loving way before you finally felt his soft lips melt against yours. A delicate shiver made its way down your spine while you couldn’t help but let out a pleased sigh, your head instantly spinning and all worries being forgotten.

Simu groaned softly, feeling a tender buzz rush through his body as he knew that the moment was perfect. That you were perfect. He pulled you closer to his body, not a piece of paper being able to squeeze in between the two of you. Your arms traveled up to his neck, caressing the smooth skin and broad shoulders while your lips continued to slowly and passionately move together as one. This was heaven.

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-Emmanuelle 💋❤️

[hrtli3]

INSOMNIAC ! — LEE HEESEUNG.

g. fluff p. fem reader cw. description of death in future parts

( ♫ : perfect - the smashing pumpkins ) ( ♫ : dumb - pretty sick ) ( ♫ : i love my boyfriend - princess chelsea )

she never really did much , she just kept showing up. he would see her throughout the day , when he closed his eyes , in his dreams on the rare occasion he could fall asleep. she made it incredibly difficult for him to focus on anything. at first , he thought nothing of it , his college campus wasnt all that big really , its no coincidence he sees the same people here and there. sure , she did dress strange — what with pure white wings that looked like that of an angels , all white outfits apart from the silver heart locket she wore around her neck and her long , dark brown hair. she reminded him of this white kitten that would wander around his neighborhood when he was younger.

but when he managed to pull his focus from her for a second and look around , it seemed almost as if she was glowing. he soon realized she was around somewhere when he smelt a faint smell of lavender and vanilla. it didnt take him long to grow attached to her , starting to look for her , follow her and try to ask her questions. who was she ? why was she following him ? why did she always run away and disappear when he would try to approach her ?

then one night , her own curiosity got the best of her. “you can see me ?” she stood pinned between him and the alley wall of the coffee shop he frequented. it was the strangest question heeseung had ever been asked in all his nineteen years of life. his head quirked to the side , much like a confused puppy. almost instantly , a soft blush rose to her cheeks and he was sure it was the prettiest shade of pink he’d ever seen. “oh , youre much prettier up close.” she whispered , taking his stunned silence as an opportunity to scan his features. he cleared his throat and took a few steps back , “why wouldnt i be able to see you ? in fact , all i ever see is you and i wanna know why.” his voice was stern but gentle and the warmth he provided being so close to her was missed , causing her to step closer to him. “i could get in big trouble for letting you see me , yanno ? i guess maybe i got distracted. i guess maybe i also liked when youd see me.” a little smile spread across her lips and heeseung could feel his heart beat just a little faster. “youre awfully honest , you know ? but you still havent answered any of my questions.” he took one more step back , only to find that now he was pinned between her and the opposite wall.

“i could get in big trouble for answering.” she raised a hand to his hair , petting it at first before slowing running her fingers through it. the entire situation didnt feel real to heeseung and perhaps that is why he allowed her to do the things she was doing. he let the situation be strange if it meant he could stare at her like this and be so close to her. that same scent of lavender and vanilla was much stronger and it made his head spin. “who would you get in trouble with ?” if she wasnt so close , she wouldve missed that question. his voice had gone just barely above a whisper , his eyes glued to hers now. the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. one dark brown and the other a soft blue. she giggled and his knees almost gave out. it was the strangest feeling , like butterflies fluttering in his veins. “Him.” she looked up , his gaze following suit. now he was more confused than ever. if this was what he thought it was , if she was what he thought she was , well then the only explanation was that he was going insane. but it made sense in a way — the small wings , the fact that she was quite literally glowing , and the way no one else seemed to be able to see her. “i spotted you a long time ago , lee heeseung. we were growing up together until you moved away and i lost you. i used my one wish to become human again , but you left me. if you hadnt kept my collar , i dont think i wouldve ever found you.” she grabbed his hand and he gasped at how cold her hands were. “youre the kitten i always saw in my neighborhood ? i begged my parents to let me keep you , if only my mother wasnt so allergic.” it still didnt make much sense to him but if he kept her talking , maybe she would straight out tell him what he needed to hear.

she nodded , “i am ! i couldnt control myself much , i was a fresh one. i still havent much practice since i clung to you. i think maybe thats why i cant stop talking right now. oh , if He finds out !” she seemed worried. heeseung felt as if he had known her his whole life now. “ive forgotten my name with all the time thats passed. do you maybe remember it ?” a small pout sat on her lips and he had to try ridiculously hard to stop staring at them. he pushed the sleeve of his hoodie up , revealing the thin yarn that held her heart shaped name tag. he held it up in front of her , watching as her eyes lit up and a bright smile illuminated her face.

IVORY. was carved on it. she nearly leaped into his arms , wrapping herself around him. “thank you , lee heeseung. im so happy i found you again !” her giggles invaded his mind and he held her gently , taking in her sweet smell and soft presence. “im ivory , your guardian angel !” she pulled away and jumped in excitement. heeseungs cheeks ached from how hard he had been smiling because of her. his next question was answered when she muttered an “oh !” before opening the locket she wore , showing him his initials inscribed into it. “my guardian angel , huh ?” he ran his fingers through his hair , sighing sweetly.

[thevmontgomery]

Montgomery Family Values

After Rocky’s vigil, Vanessa comes home to gather a few things and is unfortunately met with a Montgomery sibling meeting.

included: @montgomery-malachai triggers: homophobia, rocky’s death, slut shaming, 

Vanessa: There were few situations Vanessa ever felt like she didn't have any control, there was only ever one that she's ever truly felt powerless: when it was her and her brothers. Vanessa had only came home to get a few things knowing that their father would be out, but caught her eldest brother Nate staring back at her with disappointment in his eyes as she was instructed to follow him to the dining room table, Kai already sitting there. She hadn't been home since she ran away and Vanessa knew it was only a matter of time before she would have to face her family. Her family that changed the locks on her, her family that took her son from him took every piece of existence of the boy out of the house, the family that made her feel like she didn't exist the majority of her life. Vanessa sat down across from Kai, not bothering to make eye contact.

kai: Kai hardly had a relationship with his eldest sibling, even when they were younger, he had always been closer to Vanessa. Something about Nate being able to bring out the almost submissive puppy in Kai, always breaking the hard exterior he built up as their conversation went. He had been sitting in the living room, his brothers eyes on him when they heard Vanessa pull up. Kai getting sent to sit at the dining table, popping one of his /sales/ in his mouth, dry swallowing it as he sat down. Hoping to feel something other than sobriety in this impromptu family meeting. His head glanced up as he heard the clicking of his sisters heels, rolling his eyes as she avoided eye contact with him. A part of him not shocked that she had left him with the two people he had hated most in the world, but a part of him still hurt by it.

Nate: "Sit," Nate instructed, sitting at the head of family seat. Looking over his siblings all he could feel was disgust and disappointment. "Have you two learned nothing?" he started. "All you two have done since I enlisted was cause Hell in this house. Mother would be turning in her grave if she knew how you two have become? A fucking useless teen mom and a drug dealing fairy. You two are going to wisen up and you're going to wisen up now!" his voice thundered. Nate turned his gaze to Vanessa, "And what do you have you have to say for yourself? Do you know the mess father and I have to clean up because you and those god awful Bells? Do you want to be one of their gang sluts for the rest of your life? You already fucked up your life getting pregnant and now you're going to let them ruin your life some more? You're going to pack up all your shit wherever you are and come home /tonight/. Not tomorrow, not when father is gone, /tonight/. And you..." he paused turning to Kai. "Fort Union Academy will be expecting you to move in this weekend."

kai: shook his head as Nate brought up their mother, no one in the house understanding Kai, especially after the accident. Talking or thinking about his mom was hard, let alone the thought that he wasnt what she would have wanted of him. He knew deep down that his mom would be disappointed in who he was, but he enjoyed himself, he loved himself. /most of the time/. His eyes glaring daggers at Nate as he addressed Vanessa. Knowing she went in on herself day in and day out, and now with rocky being gone he knew it had gotten worse. "dont act like you give a fuck," He spoke, for once getting bold with his brother. Instant regret washing through him as he turned to him, his brow raising, "youre funny if you think im getting shipped away like some fucking amazon return," he knew at that point he already sealed his deal, and he shouldnt have kept talking, but he had.

Vanessa: Even though Vanessa in her brain was the more mature one out of the three, she was also the most weak willed out of them and easily persuaded when it came to her family. She already felt so alone in the house that she would do anything to make her family happy with her again. Nate's words were hitting Vanessa like knives and she became that sad little forgotten girl once again. Tears started forming in Vanessa's eyes. Maybe if she had been a little nicer, a little prettier, a little smarter, a little more like her parents wanted, Rocky might still be here. If only she would have been enough all of this wouldn't have happened. "I... I get it, Nathanial," she said weakly, curling into herself. He was right. She was ruining everyone around her and letting other people ruin her. Before she could say anything else, she looked to Kai, shaking her head to stop him. Vanessa knew how cruel Nate was to Kai. She gave him a look of warning, hoping he'd stop talking. She'd take the beating if it meant Kai would be safe.

Nate: head snapped once he heard Kai's reply. "I don't give a fuck about some fag who is dead set on being a disappointment for the rest of his life. I'm concerned about our slut of a sister who killed our brother. Or did you forget?" He stood up, palms pressed against the table and eyes of fury. He took a deep breath, pretending to add some softness to his faith. "She's useless, beyond help according to father, but you.

Nate: head snapped once he heard Kai's reply. "I don't give a fuck about some fag who is dead set on being a disappointment for the rest of his life. I'm concerned about our slut of a sister who killed our brother. Or did you forget?" He stood up, palms pressed against the table and eyes of fury. He took a deep breath, pretending to add some softness to his faith. "She's useless, beyond help according to father, but for whatever reason he thinks you can be fixed. A year at military school should /straighten/ you out in one way or another. It's not up for discussion. When father comes home your hair will be black again and you both will be grateful that he is continuing to let you live in his house. Do I make myself clear?"

kai: "No all you give a fuck about is impressing the image of a man who has never been a father to anyone but you," he spoke sharply, his whole body telling him to stand down. That his brother wasnt going to take kindly to his words, but the fire he felt in his skin from hearing him talk about vanessa, he couldnt stay quiet. "Shes amazing. If you took a fucking second to look past what father has warped into that peanut brain, you wouldve seen the person she really is. Shes not a slut, shes not an idiot, shes not useless. Shes fucking family!" Kai spoke, standing from his spot, "Everything she has ever done has been to make father happy, to make you happy. And for what?! To be forced to live a lie her whole life? She didnt kill our NEPHEW. She didnt go to that appointment knowing that Vince fucking Bell would bring his gang ties with him. You dont get to sit here and lecture us when you arent even fucking around to see anything happening anyway!" He rolled his eyes, catching the way he spoke the word straight, "Yes because a year with only men around is really gonna make me only want woman. Smart plan on that one homie,"

Vanessa: "I didn't kill my son!" Vanessa finally spoke up, the pain clear in her voice. "You think I purposely got my son killed! I wish it was fucking me! I wish every fucking day that I was the one who died and I know you all wish it too! You wished it when Mama died and now you're all wishing it with Rocky gone," she continued, tears rolling down her cheeks. All she wanted right now was to drown herself in vodka but she couldn't right now with Nate of all people here and Kai catching onto her habits. Vanessa fell into herself, slowly breaking down for the first time in a long time. It was like everything came flashing before her. She knew her family hated her, knew her family didn't nor ever loved her, and it was all just resurfacing. She looked up for a second, puffy eyes immediately going to Kai and mouthing "stop". If Nate was already dropping the F word to Kai, it would only escalate from there.

Nate: "It should have been you," he spoke sternly, not bothering to even look at Vanessa. His full attention on Kai. He shoved Kai in his chest forcefully putting him back in his chair. "Don't get loud with me, Malachai. You think because it's just you here now you're the man of the house? He died because your sister didn't know who the fucking father of Rocky was. If she hadn't been whoring around there wouldn't have been an appointment. You let her go to that appointment alone. You're just as much to blame as those fucking Bells. This is your last straw, Malachai, last fucking chance. You want to learn what it's really like to be alone? You wanna get sent away too? Don't push me."

kai: "Like it shouldve been me when mom died? Bet you loved telling an 11 year old that everyday for months," He spoke bitterly, a groan falling from his lips as he was shoved back into the chair. His head snapping up to meet his gaze. His words sinking in and knowing there was plenty of truth to them. "I shouldve gone youre right," He spoke, "But you know who else couldve? You. You know who couldve stopped Vince being involved from the gun? You." Shaking his head, "Im already alone Nathaniel. This place is simply room and board at this rate. We arent a family, weve never been a family. father and yourself have made damn sure of that,"

Vanessa: heard the garage door opening and looked to her brother with desperate eyes. Thankfully, Nate walked out to the front to meet up with their father who no doubtly wouldn't even bother even saying hello to any of them now that his precious son was here. Vanessa waited a moment til their brother was far enough, "You're not... you're not a you know what," Vanessa whispered, not even daring to call him the F word. She hated the way Nate spoke and treated Kai. Kai always got the worst of Nate's anger especially since the youngest came out; usually Vanessa was there to defend him but in this moment she was being beaten down so bad she couldn't think straight. "I'm glad it wasn't you," she added.

kai: 's eyes shifted to their sister, his eyes soft at the look on her face. he could see how affected she was by nates words, the fire in kai only growing. shaking his head as she spoke, "he cant say anything I didnt say to myself for years. I know the stigma around bi men, as shitty as it fucking is," He shrugged, "Everything he said about you isnt true V. You arent useless or an idiot, youre an amazing human. Im glad youre my sister," He spoke, a smile gracing his lips as she spoke, "Im sorry you lost your son V, neither one of you shouldve been lost that day," He spoke softly, himself and V being the closest to Rocky, it hit home hearing Nate talk about him. As if he had a relationship with him.

Vanessa: "But you're not, I'm not going to let them send you away. I'll take whatever daddy has to throw. I won't let you be alone," Vanessa spoke. She got up from her seat, moving to sit in the one next to Kai. "I love you, little brother," Vanessa spoke, putting her head on his shoulder. The conversation was all too much, but everything Nate was saying was true. She believed every last word. She was useless. She was a slut. She was all of it and worsy. "It should have been me," she mumbled.

kai: "I like what I like, no one can get mad at me over that. Not logically, i aint doing harm," He shrugged, " We're never alone. As long as we got eachother we'll be ok," He spoke, resting his head on top of hers for a moment. "I love you too big sister," He knew her gears were turning, knew every word nate spoke was on repeat in both their brains. "It should've been me too," He spoke softly

Vanessa: "No harm, though, you could have better taste in men," Vanessa teased. "You think things would be different if Mama was still here? Or that she'd turn on us too?" she asked weakly. She knew her mother loved them, know deep down in her heart that Malachai and Vanessa whom she always joked were her precious little twins considering how similar they looked (way before the blonde locks and the shaved pink hair), but she also knew that her family wasn't perfect. That her father's heart was cold long before their mother's death. Would he have turned their mother cold too. "At least if it was both of us, we'd be with Mama..."

kaii: "as though you got any room to talk on that front," he teased, rolling his eyes jokingly. His smile falling as he thought of his mothers, the words of his brother ringing between his ears. "I think Mama wouldve looked out for us," He spoke softly. His connection with his mom strong from the jump, he was a premie baby. So he needed the extra love at the beginning, and not much has changed in his relationships since. But himself and the two females of the house were practically attached at the hip, having inside jokes and comments, little memories that no one else could recall. Their mom being the reason people never knew if the two siblings were twins or not. Their family was a mess, no doubt about it. Anyone looking in could see that they werent a family, but merely people coexisting in a home that became a house the day their mother lost her life. And thats what finally caused Kais tough exterior to break. All the memories and thoughts of his mom came rushing back, the ones he had pushed aside since that day in the car. Tears flowing but his face never changing from its stoic expression, a part of him scared that his father or brother would walk through the door. Calling him a fairy and other terms because he was showing emotion. "I miss her so fucking much.."

Vanessa: "the men i date are the best of their groups thank you very much," vanessa replied, sticking her tongue out. she took a deep breath, noticing how silent her brother had become. she shouldn't have brought up their mother. it was a sensitive topic for vanessa, but she wasn't there when their mother died. she wasn't the one who had to watch them pull her lifeless body out the car. vanessa turned to kai, right away seeing his tear stained face. she quickly used her shirt sleeve to wipe away his tears, ears listening closely for footsteps. the last thing they needed was either of the elder montgomery men coming in and seeing kai in tears. it was already world war 2 in their house, things didn't need to be worst. "I miss her too, but I need you to be strong for me right now? Okay, KK? I wouldn't ask this if I didn't think you could do it. Daddy can't see you like this. Just go to my room and lock yourself in there for the night, they won't bother you if they think it's me in there. I'll stay out here and deal with Daddy."

kaii: He allowed her to wipe his tears, tilting his head back as he caught his breath. He knew better than to be showing emotion, given that the two people he feared the most were beyond the door. But everything had become to much for him, every decision made in his life flashing through his mind. A gut feeling telling him she wouldnt be proud of him, and that hurt more than anything could say to him. He nodded to her words, "I know I know," He spoke quickly, rubbing his eyes slightly, "After all this I will. Im not leaving you with them alone,"

Vanessa: "Go." Vanessa said more forcefully. She wasn't going to take no for an answer. Vanessa knew all too well how their father was towards Kai. She never protected him from it, just hid in her room and pretended to be interested in whatever Nate was talking about in order to have someone to keep her from fully freaking out. "Whatever they do to me isn't going to hurt me as what they do to you. Go."

kaii: "No," He spoke with a headshake, "we're in this together V, from now on. You and me," He spoke with as much force as her, "We cant protect one another if one of us is just running off," He spoke, not meaning the double meaning behind his words, and not realizing till they were already out of his mouth, "We need to be united, it has to work,"

Vanessa: "United."

[one-night-story]

Echoes of You (Spike Spiegel)

A/N: The formatting on this is h e l l. But when nostalgia slaps you and says “Fall in love with Spike Spiegel again.” You do as it’s says. Thus this

Roman Holiday had changed who she was so many times she didn’t remember who she was when she started. She’d been a drug lord, a spy, an informant, a bounty, a runaway. But these days, with blue and purple hair and a coat large enough to hide a pistol, she settled on being a ghost among the streets, listening and picking up information as she went. She found herself on Mars, mourning friends and paying dues. She was going to have to disappear again soon. But first, she needed food, scissors, and some hair dye; though she was uncertain what color. She tried walking into a convenience store when she ran into someone.

“Sorry about that.” The guy said. From that one comment Roman almost got whiplash. That voice shouldn’t be talking to her. That voice should’ve been dead. If not from the first time, then definitely the second time. She looked up at him and sure enough it was him. Spike Spiegel in all his blue suited, disheveled glory. And he looked just as shocked to see her. “Ro-?” He didn’t get to finish her name because she took off, sprinting in the opposite direction as fast as she could. He of course went after her, he always would, and she scaled a building to get to the roof. She pulled her pistol and waited for him to catch up.

“Who are you?” She asked.

“Ro don’t do this.”

“Tell me! Stop playing cruel tricks and just tell me!” She yelled. It couldn’t be him, it shouldn’t be him.

“Roman, it’s really me.”

“Bullshit, you died.”

“I didn’t,”

“Then you died again.”

“I’ve had worse.” He said with his trademark lazy smile. Roman almost let up at that. He still knew her weak points.

“Gimme the word.” She said, lowering her gun but not putting it away. He furrowed his brows and then figured it out.

“Lily.” He said. Roman lowered her pistol entirely and put it away. Her flower of choice. Julia had roses, she had lilies. Her whole form softened, though she was far from the Roman he used to know. Spike took a step forward to see if she’d let him and sure enough, she didn’t move. “It’s good to see you Roman. Glad to know you’re still picking up information.” He said. Roman shrugged and sat down, still keeping her distance.

“Nothing better to do on this dirt rock. You know you threw the whole operation into chaos, right? There’s a power vacuum with at least seven people trying to fill it.” She said. Spike sat across from her, a little closer than she would’ve liked, but she allowed it. She chalked it up to some primal part of her brain still wanting to keep him as close as she could. He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and stuck it in his mouth.

“What’s next for you then? Figure you’re not gonna stick around for that mess to sort itself out.” He said as he fished out a lighter and lit the cigarette. He took a drag and offered it to Roman. She took it and copied the movement. She never smoked unless she was with Spike. Again, she chalked it up to that primal part of her brain that was still 13 years old and hoped that she still stood a chance against a far prettier half-sister.

“I cut my hair, redye it and catch a flight out of here. I’m thinking Ganymede. Or the asteroids. Hell, I could go be a small fry in Tijuana.” She said.

“And what color will it be this time?” He asked. Roman’s mood was usually determined by her hair. She changed it with regimes, mood, the music she was listening to that month, and sometimes when she felt she had no control of anything. He watched as she thought over her answer.

“Red. Probably. Or pink. Julia always thought I’d look good with pink.” She said muttering the last part.

“You would.” He said. Roman tried to not flush to the color in question, but she never did take compliments well. “I remember she was constantly trying to push you out of the shadows.”

“I like the shadows. No one judges me there. I’m useful there.” Roman argued. Spike chuckled and took a drag from his cigarette. The motion was repeated when he passed it to her to take a drag.

“Maybe, but you have no reason to stay there. Unless you wanna start working for the police.” He said.

“I could be a bounty hunter.” She said with a shrug.

“Oh no, I don’t think I could have you competing for my dinner money too.” He said with his trademark smile. Roman laughed at his comment, a real laugh. Something she hadn’t done in a while. As she laughed, Spike watched her. Her face was lit up by the beginnings of sunset and neon. Her and Julia had no personality similarities, but sometimes they did have physical ones.

“I haven’t done that in forever.” She said when she finally calmed down. Spike smiled at her. She seemed lighter now, more at ease. It was like the laughter fit had locked her into a time machine and she had shed so many years of cynicism with ease. “What about you? What becomes of the great Spike Spiegel? Now newly undeceased again.” She asked. Spike thought it over. He wasn’t certain. He didn’t know if he could go back to the Bebop. But he didn’t know any other way of life. Maybe just him and Jet could strike out again. Maybe he needed to go forward. Maybe he needed to disappear.

“No idea. Maybe dye my hair and change planets.” He said. Roman rolled her eyes.

“Hey, don’t steal my one thing.” She said. Spike chuckled and actually gave her a genuine smile. They were silent for a minute, casually passing the cigarette between themselves. For a moment they felt like teenagers again, sharing cigarettes and sharing a moment of uncertainty. At least that’s how Roman always felt in moments like these. Until finally she broke the tension.

“Annie told me you came to see her.” She said as she looked down.

“Yeah. Thought I might finally kill him.”

“Ignored my bounty then.”

“Always did. Whenever it came up, no matter what the price, no matter what name you were under. I wouldn’t do that to you Roman.” He said. It felt like a whisper on the wind. Like if he said it any louder, he’d lose her like he lost Julia. Roman leaned into this, allowing one of her knees to knock into his. She needed this. She needed him. Outside of just that primal part that told her she was once 13 and crushing on the one person in the whole galaxy she couldn’t have.

“I look at you and I think… god what have we done with our lives? And what did it get us?” She said with what Spike could only describe as the truest form of sadness he’s ever seen from her. Roman Holiday kept all her cards close to her chest until one day, she’d die. But now? He felt like he was peering through a brick in her wall. “I loved my sister more than anything in this life. And I chose her happiness over mine, time and time again.” She scoffed and leaned back on her hands. “God I can’t believe I’m saying this.”

“What?” He asked. He wasn’t sure what was coming next, but curiosity killed him to know.

“A million years ago, she said to me “this one’s mine.” So, I stood by.” She said. “And I knew I shouldn’t do anything, I should just leave and pretend I never met you. But Julia,”

“She was too kind for that.” He said as his brain was slowly putting the pieces together. He had always wondered when they were kids, even before Roman became a shadow figure, why she always seemed to fall into that point, even when Julia brought her out, or when he tried to talk to her. But now he got it. She’d been hiding pain this whole time.

“I should go.” She said. She stood up and dusted herself off. Spike stood up as well and grabbed her wrist before she could go anywhere.

“Don’t disappear again.” He said. Roman looked down at her beat up shoes, trying to hide what had just come to pass.

“You can’t ask that of me.” She said.

“Ro, you’re all I’ve got left.”

“And who’s fault is that?” She snapped. Spike wanted to get offended. But he remembered an incident when they were younger, where he’d gotten too close and she’d snapped, and he retaliated. They didn’t speak for a month. Not until Julia forced them to, and not until after he’d brought her lilies. He sighed and plucked the nearly burnt out cigarette from his teeth and passed it to her. She took a drag and then stomped it out. She was still looking down at it when Spike brought her face to look up at him. Roman unintentionally leaned her cheek into his hand, blinking at him a couple of times.

“I won’t let this be the last time I see you Roman.” He said. Spike, at his core, was a deeply sentimental person. He couldn’t lose Roman. She reached up and brought his face to hers, giving him a small, soft and what Spike could only describe as a ghost of a kiss. Like she was afraid of what fully kissing him would mean. He kissed her cheek in turn, letting it sit there a little longer than either of them expected. When they separated, they put the distance back between them. Once again, afraid of what the closeness would do to them. She tossed him a comm unit she had pocketed off some guy and he caught it with ease.

“Call that ship of yours.”

“Wouldn’t that be going backward?” He asked.

“One step backward to go miles forward? I think it’s worth it. Call them Spiegel.” She said. Spike nodded.

“Remember, pink.” He said. Roman gave him a small, soft smile and nodded.

“See you Space Cowboy.” She said as she ran off the edge of the roof, scaling down the building to go buy some scissors, some food, and some pink hair dye.

[anuknowha]

Till Death Do We Part// Chapter 8, Selena’s Window

Yolanda sat there in her cell, marking yet another day on the wall. It's been over 24 years, over 8,760 days from when she was first convicted for her heinous crime. It felt like time would constantly move slow, the clock in her room would tick slowly, second by second passing. The ticks would be loud at some points, and at others, they would die down. Those sounds of the clock would ring through her ears and almost drive her mad. It was too constant, it was as if it were something she couldn’t get away from. Time itself was a constant reminder for her, it made her remember her mistakes. It made her remember when she killed Selena.

Currently, at her place on the floor, she was staring at the bunk bed in front of her that was always dormant. They refused to partner her up with anyone, she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve the company, she was meant to be alone. It pissed her off, she hated it but she knew this was the placed she earned in this world.

A curse left her breath as she was called out of her cell for lunch. She had forgotten what time it was. She looked outside her cell and there was a guard, standing ready with a key to unlock her from her prison so that she could be taken to me the mess hall.

“Come on Saldivar, its lunch time.” the guard beckoned as she grabbed her wrist roughly and led her to the cafeteria.

This was the only time that she was able to see other people, but she wasn’t allowed to communicate with them. She would watch them from a distance, as they would look in her direction and spit in it. And speaking of spit, she has been spit on multiple times by other inmates who even knew she had went to far. It didn’t matter what they did, or how long they were in for, they all hated her, despised her, all except a couple. The few who were supported were marked as “crazy”, they would sit as close to her as they possibly could; winking and smiling at her every time they passed her cell, or even just to get food.

They thought it was brave to the star out, they were always jealous of her fame and fortune.

“What does she have that I don’t have? A pretty face? I had one hell of a face before I was stuck in here, I could’ve been a star.” “She didn’t deserve to be so successful. I’ve seen girls prettier than her and she still got to the top of the charts.” “She ain’t make it look that hard, I bet anyone of us could’ve done this. We could’ve done this.” “Hell yeah we could’ve. Waste of time to think that she was going to actually see the end of her career. Thank goodness we had Yolanda here to stop her.” These were some of the things that had been said about her. They wanted to show their support. In their eyes, she was the most successful person there, she actually achieved something that most couldn’t or even feared to do. And with that they cheered her on, and worshiped her like a god.

It wasn’t always the same set of women, after all she’s been here for 24 years and not everyone was still there. Her first group was out on parole after her 9th year there. Second group was gone about a year or two ago. This third group seemed like they were here to stay, well at least one of them was. She was one of the girls from the last group, and older woman, placed back here because she decided to murder her boyfriend. The first time, she was in here for bank robbery. This woman just didn’t know when to quit, but Yolanda wasn’t surprised. She actually grew quite fond of her. And when her security walked away she would move to their table, admiring her admirers and listening to them talk about her success. She would laugh with them, and enjoy listening to their stories of how they ended up here and what they plan to do when they get out, no matter how violent their decisions were. But when her guard came back she rushed back to her lonesome table, wondering how long it would take before she could talk to her “friends” once again. It was the only thing she enjoyed, and it was the only thing to make her feel powerful.

After she finished her sandwich for today, her guard took her back to the cell that she hated. It was her home, and although it was now only 2 o clock, she was tired. She climbed into the bottom bunk and curled up, grabbing the pillow tightly and sighing into it. To be honest, she regretted everything, being part of the fan club and even meeting Selena in the first place. She wish she never knew about her, and maybe, just maybe she still would’ve been out living her life today.

She continued to think about the thing that landed her in this prison of life, one that she would more than likely spend the rest of her life in. She didn’t expect to be out for parole, even when the time comes, she was expecting everyone to never forgive her. If she got out, everyone would despise her, she won’t be able to get a job, and she’ll be struggling to maintain herself. After all, she was going to be over 60; almost old enough to get her social security and yet she wouldn’t have worked in over 30 years. She was going to be broke, she was never going to regain her life. And with that, she tried to clear her mind.

At dinner, she felt strange, she felt as if something was different, as if someone was watching her. She was slightly paranoid the whole time, watching everyone in the dining hall as they walked past her to their tables. It seemed like no one was paying her mind, and not even her biggest fans were looking in her direction today.

“I think her being in here as made her a little crazy.” one teased as she lifted her index finger to her head and rotated it in a circular motion.

“She’s been in here so long, what do you expect?” another one said.

“Maybe she’s just tired. Sometimes, when I don’t get enough sleep, I start acting a little crazy. You know, a little insane. Sleep is important for us.”

“Yeah, yeah, we know.”

“Should one of us go to check on her?”

“Nah, she’ll be fine by tomorrow.” the oldest woman at the table said as she turned in her direction and made a heart with her hands.

Yolanda just sent here a smile and a nod as she sat down the rest of her food, unable to finish due to the mental discomfort and the feeling of unease that tugged at her stomach. Needless to say, she was ready to head back to her cell.

Later that night, after the guards went home, she was slowly entering a relaxed state. She got comfortable as she laid down and turned towards the wall. She closed her eyes and drifted off into a sleep slumber.

At a quarter to midnight, she woke up, feeling like someone was staring directly at her. She looked outside the cell, and there was no one, the lights outside her small room were all off. The small light in her room was still shining pretty bright.

“H-hello?” she muttered out, only to receive no answer.

“Hello?” she mumbled out once more.

“I see you’ve aged quite a bit, must be the stress. You know, back when I was a singer, there was a lot of stress coming from being famous. But, I guess, being infamous can still put the same amount of weight on you. I wouldn’t know.” a voice came from inside the room.

“Who’s there?!” Yolanda jumped, sitting up in her bed, she looked around only to see nothing.

“You don’t remember me? That kind of makes me sad.”

“Who are you!? Show yourself!”

Selena looked down at her from the top bunk. She gave her a smile of both anger and disgust. “Hola bitch.” she stated.

Yolanda let out a scream, one that no one could hear. She continued to scream, before hopping off the bed and running as quick as she could to the other side of the room. He back pressed against the wall.

“You can’t be here!! You’re dead! I killed you!!”

“That you did, perra. But guess what? Since I was an innocent soul, I ended up exactly where you thought I would. In heaven, somewhere you’d never make it to. You know?” she giggled.

“This can’t be real!”

“You’re right it can’t be. It shouldn’t be, but it is, and here I am, in the flesh. My whole body, live and well with not a single bullet wound.”

“B-but how??” Yolanda swallowed hard.

Selena rolled her eyes.

“I just told you how, I’m in heaven.”

“No, I mean how did you get here?! Back to earth!?”

“That, is something I don’t know, but what I do know, is that I am back and I am well.” Selena said hopping down from the top bunk and basically floating to the floor.

Yolanda was still shivering in fear, she couldn’t believe what she was seeing and it was hard to even comprehend.

“You seemed surprised to see me.”

“Yeah!! Because you’re dead! I killed you!”

“You did. And how many years ago was it again? About 24? It's been a long time, and I bet you don’t even care.” Selena hummed as she took steps closer.

“I-I-”

Selena gets face to face with her murderer and looks her in the eyes.

“You’re not so strong without a weapon, without a gun to protect you huh? I mean look at you, you’re cowering in fear, afraid of what I might do to you. And honestly you should be.”

Yolanda grabbed the closest thing to her and threw it at Selena. It went through her, just like it would a ghost. She swallowed hard, her saliva almost getting caught into her throat.

“Trying to hurt me again? I don’t think you’ll find that as successful as you think. Too bad too, this would be a great time to prove how powerful you are.” Selena paused.

“I despise you for what you did. You killed me in cold blood in jealousy, for what? What did I ever do to you? I gave you a job, a home, and somewhere to be yourself, and how do you repay me? You murder me, right when I was hitting my peak of success, my peak of happiness. And not once did you dare to apologize. Not once did you regret anything that you did. Not once did you bring yourself to ever think about the consequences that you would bring about by taking me out. I lost my friends and family because of you, and they lost me. And it's all your fault.”

“L-look Selena, I didn’t mean to- I was just trying to-”

“Quiet!! I don’t want to hear it. You killed me! You took my life away from me!! I was happy and you just snatched it from me because you were being selfish!!” Selena said, tears forming in her eyes.

She tried not to cry but she couldn’t help it. Ghostly tears fell down her cheeks as she balled her fists in anger.

“I wanted to have kids! I wanted to start a family! I wanted to continue making my mom and dad proud, you don’t understand. I don’t expect you to understand. I really don’t” Selena shook her head and relaxed her hands.

“I’m sorry Selena!! I’m so so so sorry!! Please! Forgive me!! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to end your life like that! I was just being jealous, I just was angry that I might be forgotten or left behind by you by the time that everyone knew me.”

“I wasn’t going to forget you. I’m better than that; I’m better than you, and I always have been.”

“Selena!! I’m sorry!! Please!! Please forgive me!! I didn’t mean it!! I really didn’t mean it!!”

“Yolanda, I can’t. You did it, and you have to own up to it and you know this. I was trying to be there for you, just like I was everyone else. I wanted to make sure you were happy, that you were satisfied with your job. I wanted to see you succeed in life, just like I did, and you didn’t have to be famous to do that. You just needed to be happy, you needed to be content with what I was giving you and I was giving you everything. You had a lot of my attention, my time, and my love. You were in charge of my fans. You were to help me while I helped you. You were to be my best friend when I’m on the road but you didn’t appreciate it. It was never enough for you and I should’ve saw it in your eyes, I should’ve seen the anger and rage that ran through you for who knows how long? But you know, I tried to look past it, I was better than that. You know this, everyone knew this and that’s why they’re all pissed at you. They knew I didn’t deserve this. But what should I expect? Trust no one I guess.”

“Se-” Was the only last syllable she could mutter out before Selena cut her off.

“Vete a la mierda.” Selena said as she turned her back to Yolanda and walked away, disappearing into thin air.

Yolanda clenched her teeth, trying not to cry. She felt regret stab her in her stomach and she felt angry at her past. She fell to her knees, scraping them on the dirty cell floor. She screamed loud, her hands gripping tightly at her hair and yanking roughly, pulling strands out. She continued to screech, which echoed through the area that she was sitting in. She could feel herself slipping, wishing that she could take it all back.

The lights flickered. Before it stayed on for the rest of the night, this time, it was just a lot dimmer.

Chris was sitting in his room, his guitar in his hand as he strummed a few strings. He hummed a melody to himself, it was one that belonged to one of his ex wife’s songs. He let a long sigh escape his lips.

It was getting late, and he had been up all day trying to think of something to write, but nothing came to mind. And the longer he sat there with his instrument in his hand, the longer time slipped away from him and before he knew it, it was 1am.

“I wish Selena was here. It's been so long…”

He felt his heart ache. He felt empty inside once more, and that’s probably why he divorced his last wife. No one could replace Selena, no matter how hard he tried. He hung his head in dread.

“Bebe?” Selena’s voice came in a whisper from the other side of the room.

“Selena?” he lifted his head up to be faced with Selena standing in front of him, an enormous smile on her face.

“Selena!” he jumped up from the bed and embraced her in the best way possible in a warm loving hug.

“I missed you so much Chris.” she said, her smile fading only some.

“I missed you more Selena.” he said as he pulled away from her some, only to pull her into a deep, passionate and loving kiss.

Their hearts were beating a thousand miles a minute as they held each other in an embrace. They felt so warm and comforted.

“Wait, how could you be here!? I thought you were dead!?”

“I am dead, sadly… but… I found a way to travel here, and I knew I needed to pay you a visit.”

“Mi amor, its so late... “

Selena laughed and pushed him gently. She took a look at the clock.. “Its only 1 in the morning.”

“Pretty late to be visiting someone don’t you think?” he laughed.

“Fine!” she said pushing him harder so he falls back onto his bed in a fit of laughter.

Selena crawls on top of him and pulls him into another kiss, more passionate than the one before. Their kiss lasted for minutes before she pulled away.

“I’m sorry Selena.” he tried to fight back tears.

“About what love?” she said, questioning his worrying expression.

“I found someone else… but we got divorced! But we do have two kids… I’m so sorry.”

Selena got silent and felt something that she would assume, if she wasn’t dead, would be heartbreak. She shook her head trying to shake the feeling and gave a soft sigh.

“I didn’t expect you to stay single forever, and it wasn’t your fault I died. I just hope you were happy as long as you were with her.”

“I was, but I was never as happy with her as I was with you.” Chris mumbled.

Selena kissed him once more, wiping his tears away.

“Chris, I just want you to be happy, I don’t care how it happens. I don’t want you to just be caught up on me. I’m gone, and I can’t come back in any other way but this one. And it's not permanent. I don’t even know how long I can be like this until i have to return back to heaven but I wanted you to know how much I love you, and missed you.”

“Please don’t leave again.” he almost whimpered as he gripped her wrist.

“I have to, I’ve been on earth for a few hours now and I don’t want to miss out on talking to my family. Don’t worry, I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Selena… I love you.” he said, tears continuing to stream down his slightly swollen cheeks.

“I love you too Chris. Say “hi” to the kids fo me.”” she said as she started to fade, her voice zoning out along with her.

Chris sat there, in his room in disbelief, but he soon began to smile. He wiped his tears away and laughed some as he realized that this was the happiest he had ever been in a while.

Soon enough, Selena was in her brother’s house, who was fast asleep. She planted a kiss on his forehead and rubbed his shoulder before leaving out. She then went to go visit her sister who was preparing for bed, and gave her a pat on the shoulder and a hug from behind. Her sister turned around and saw nothing and continued to prepare herself for sleep. Selena knew she would return a better time, when everyone was active and awake so that was she could spend quality time with them.

Lastly, she went to go visit her parents who were sitting in the living room watching tv. She appeared right in front of it.

“Hola mama, papa.” Selena said grinning.

Both her parents sat up and looked at her, wiping their eyes to make sure they weren’t dreaming.

“Selena!?” they shouted in unison as they both got up and ran over to hug her.

“You can’t be real!!” her mom screamed in disbelief.

“I am mama, I’m in heaven, but I managed to come here so that I can see everyone.”

“You mean you already visited Chris and your siblings?” her father wondered.

“Yes, Chris was awake writing music but my brother and sister were sleeping.”

“We just can’t believe you’re here mija! We’re so happy to see you!”

“Me too mom, I’m so glad to be able to see you again. Both of you, here alive and well. It's been so long since I’ve been able to have the embrace of my loved once and I wish it could stay that way.”

“I wish it could too.” her mother was tearing up,

“No, please don’t cry mom…. I know this isn’t forever but I’ll be back I promise and I know you’ll both join me in heaven. I’ll just keep coming back until you do, as much as I can,as often as I can. I promise.” Selena said as she started fading away.

“What’s happening?!” her father screamed in a slight panic.

“It's time for me to go I guess. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here that long. I’ll be back. I love you both, I always will… make sure you tell Marcella and Abraham that I visited them last night, and that I’ll return soon.”

“Bye Selena! We love you!” they said together as her father hugged her mother trying his best to comfort her.

Selena waved and blew them a kiss as she became nothing. Completely gone from earth’s surface.

“Selena! Selena wake up!!” the brunette shook her new friend’s lifeless body in worry.

“Selena!” She shook her harder, as she watched Selena finally started breathing again.

She gasped and opened her eyes. She sat up, almost as if she was startled and looked her friend in the face, giving her a big tight hug. She took a second to gain her breath, her chest heaving and her heart racing.

“I’m fine Lisa. Its okay, I’m perfectly fine.”

“Thank goodness…” Lisa sighed as she clinged to her friend’s clothing.

“How long was I gone…?”

“About 5 hours. I thought I had lost you. I wasn’t expecting you to be out of it for so long. What even happened…?”

“I-I’m not sure…” she said pulling away and scratching the back of her head. “I was able to visit my killer, and I was able to get in contact with friends and family. I was so happy to see Chris… and mama and papa.”

“How…?!” Lisa’s eyes widened in wonder and speculation.

“It must have something to do with concentration and thought…”

“I didn’t know we were capable of traveling to earth.”

“Me neither, not until today anyway. But, I don’t think I can do it again. It took a lot of energy and it was super stressful.”

Lisa grew worried and hugged Selena once more, the warm embrace comforting her as they sat there together.

“I want to know more, but I rather not have you talk about it. I don’t want you hurting or worrying.”

A knock at the door suddenly came and they looked at each other in wonder.

“Who is it?” Selena shouted.

“Um… its Mac Miller.” the voice behind the door said.

“Who?” Lisa asked.

“Mac Miller, the rapper.”

“We don’t know any Mac Miller.” Selena responded.

“That’s fine… but I just wanted some help… please? I was just wondering where we were and how’d I get here? Lemme in maybe?”

“Fine come in.” Selena sighed as Mac opened the door and walked in.

“Me too” a second voice came from what seemed like out of nowhere.

A dark skinned man with dreads and an accent walked in. He took a look around, slightly confused about his surroundings.

“I don’t know where I’m at either... “ he drifted off. “Oh, and I’m Bob Marley!”

Lisa and Selena sighed to themselves as their new focus was now on the two men in front of them.

Taglist: @lennonwhipped @rogers-flowered-blazer @caviarandqueen @caminc91 @sweet-mother-love @peacelennon

[boqvistsbabe]

storytime (kind of) mother frickers

so i like this guy. this guy that is literally my best guy friend and i have known him for three years, almost four. and like every single other guy i have liked i knew around the time when i met them that i was probably gonna like them at some point. so yeah whatever i liked them now i don’t. i didn’t like anyone for the longest time and then randomly i like started feeling like i like this guy (my friend) lets call him uh Adam (tbh that is just about as far from his name as you could get lol) and like this hit me out of nowhere. because like basically when we met we friend-zoned each other without having to do so, which makes no sense whatsoever but who cares. and like this whole idea of this started last school year when his cousin randomly walked into the classroom i was staying in after school to work on memorization for some things and it was near Valentine’s Day and he was like anyone wanna be my cousin’s gf and me, knowing that this is Adam’s cousin said no why and he explained why basically and then that was the start of him calling me literally every single time he saw me Adam’s gf. I denied every single time and this went on for the rest of the year. and like one time on the after school bus Adam’s cousin got on before him and sat down and when Adam walked on to the bus his cousin said that his gf was on the bus and he (and i know that he actually did this bc i looked up right at this getting ready to turn around and yell at his cousin) Adam looked right at me and his cousin said “he even looked dead at you” and then the rest of the busride was his cousin trying to get us together by asking me question (like “do you like guys that can sing” “well duh” “do you like guys with abs” “well duh”) and then he started singin “I Wanna Dance With Somebody for no reason and I finshed the song for him and he said “see look you can sing too you guys would be great together” (and that opens another can of worms that is not in this story) and i said but i really can’t and he was like but you realy can. and during all of this Adam said nothing to either of us. and around a few weeks after that i started liking somebody so i was still like whatever and nothing more happened last year basically. and like then this year came along and i didnt like that other guy anymore and like was really focused on like my friends and shit like that. like then two of his other friends (that im kinda friends with but not really) started like suggesting people that they could set me up with for hoco (the two friends and i have the same bio class together and we sat near each other at the time) and i would decline every single guy and then they said Adam’s name and I was like no we’re friends (because at the time i still didn’t like him) and then the boys proceeded to say stuff like “you do like him” “look you’re blushing” things like that (something they do not realize was that when i get angry or frustrated or whatever i tend to turn red or at least pink) and then one of them threw a ship name for us out there and then it was a thing and like then he proceeded (when i did not answer them anymore) to sit in the empty chair next to me and go “aw please don’t be mad at me I don’t want you mad at me” (i wasn’t that mad and we were all having fun and he was joking) and i proceeded to ignore him and he got closer and said the same thing (also if this had happened about one and a halfish years ago i wouldve been freaking out because i used to like him, a lot) and i said i wasn’t mad and we were fine. until he (when we were going around the room and grading other people’s papers) when i came back to my seat and said something about my paper he was like “oh that’s your paper” and i said “yeah it literally has my name on it” he walks over takes my paper and writes something on it and ten gives me my paper back and he wrote Adam and I’s ship name in marker on my paper. at least i didn’t have to turn that in or i mightve killed him. and so like whatever didn’t like him still just confused on why everybody (including some of my other really close friends) think we should get together. and then like i feel like it was a slow realization of how amazing he is (bc like lemme be honest here he is really sweet and funny and like everything that the others weren’t which sounds cliche but like ugh i just cannot describe how much i wanted the other guys i have liked to be like him)  and like i told two of my other best friends and they think he is nice. and like lately him and i are around each other more and stuff and we talk even more than before and mess with each other and stuff. and then one of my other friends randomly asks me before she leaves the lunchroom if i like him and i say no bc like this is all weird for me and shit and she says okay and walks away even with me asking her why she asked and her not telling me. and then i get my other friend to ask her through text and she wont answer. and the other day he took my hair tie thingy (idk what it is called) one of these: 

after i was messing with it and said that i wasn’t going to get it back. then wears it the rest of the day and cool im not freaking out internally at all. and there is no way people wont connect that it is mine bc it is just one of the clear ones and my hair is blueish at the ends so it died the hair tie thingy and im the only one with that color hair. and then we go on a five day break from school and i find out from my friend why my other friend asked that. and she asked because SHE THOUGHT WE WERE DATING! i obviously am so fine with that even though we aren’t. but i was like why did she think that and my friend was like bc y’all are always together and stuff. and then we get to today and so i find out that he lost the other one and then he took the one i had today (which i am fine with this i have multiple and he asked to make sure it was okay and i said it was he then asked like two more times just to make sure) and then i took his pencil and since i wouldn’t give it back he took my hoodie and put the hood on his head on wore it like that until i gave him his pencil back. and then like there is this thing he can do which is popping the joints closer to the end of your finger and i can’t do that but he did it to my fingers the other day (and as i am typing this i realize how weird it sounds) and now it has become our thing kind of. and like i love it. bc it involves him wrapping his hand around mine. so yeah love it. and then i proceed to mess with him for the rest of the hour. and yeah. and then when i get to lunch later i see him with his friends and like i can see the hair tie thing on his wrist and it brings me so much joy idk why but it does. and then i was talking to my friend and was like idk why people think we are dating and she said that it is because we basically are just not officially. and then i was like what hold the phone and back it up. and like she went over that again and said that quite a few people have thought we were dating in the past and had asked her if Adam and I were dating and she had said no obviously and i was like how do i not know this. and she said bc i never told you and then t=she proceeded to tell me how her herself has shipped him and I for quite a while but did it on the DL and now her and my friend that asked if i liked him are shipping us on the DL and my friend that asked is gonna ask him if he likes me bc he doesnt know how close we are and will be more likely to tell her than me or my other friend. and like i know he is gonna say know and like i want him to say that he does. but like he wont. and even if he does there are some problems like i can’t date yet which like has never been a problem till now, even when i had my 6th grade “boyfriend” my mom didn’t know and i didn’t care bc i was fine with a relationship on the DL with him but Adam is someone i want a real relationship with you know. like i don’t want it hidden. and i want ground rules obviously and my friend said that i could just do what she did and just talk to her mom about it and present the situation very adult like and stuff like she did. which like i can and my mom knows him so it might work. but then there is the fact that he doesn’t like me so it doesn’t matter but like there are signs that point towards him actually liking me but im not that stupid. he has so many female friends that are cooler and prettier and smarter and so just more better than me so like why would he like me. idk what to do. this is like really crazy for me rn and i dont wanna lose my friend so yay.

that was really boring sorry but i needed an outlet and idk what to do but if yall have any advice please tell me

[minidog]

Hi i hate writing this is on ao3 too

they were kids once.

there were summers spent without a care in the world. hazy memories of when they were simply boys, dirtying their church clothes in spite of their mothers warnings from playing in the dirt. it kicked up in clouds in the air as they screamed and squealed with delight, bonding in the way only children can. no one knew one anothers names, or their parents, their favorite colors, their fears, their hopes, and somehow sparring with sticks fashioned into swords was enough to feel like theyd known each other for thousands of years.

it was a time before girls were talked about only in relation to the size of their breasts or the length of their dresses, before adults built walls with talk of sanctity and virginity. somehow, they all seemed to look happier when it wasnt dictated what constituted as a 'girl game' or a 'boy game'. theyd play pretend with the other children until the sun started to make its way down the sky and their parents called them home for dinner.

thea never liked how he played. it was a hot day, and even though the suns rays beat down relentlessly on them, she insisted they leave for the creek where the others were surely splashing about. "god forbid we become hermits, hanschen," shed said. she was the sort of young girl to have no qualms with using the lords name in vain, and the sort of young girl who enjoyed throwing words like 'hermits' to make her brother feel stupid. they were at the creek, and hanschen watched from underneath the branches of the old oak as his sister, dirt and sand caked on her chubby face, chased martha and otto into the water. she was pretending to be a great white shark, which neither of the kids wouldve known since she only referred to it by the latin name she found in an encyclopedia a week before, while the other town kids watched with mild interest before deciding to incorporate her odd shtick into their own fantasy worlds.

she spun around when martha and ottos feet hit the water, followed by heavy splashing as they sprinted through the shallows, sun-bleached blonde hair whipping across her shoulder. she stomped over to him, brown eyes the coldest glare a six year old could possibly muster. he looked up, unimpressed, crossing his arms across his chest. "what?"

"what?" she mimicked him. "do you intend to be so insipid?"

he decided against asking her what insipid meant and where on earth shed ever heard it before, instead looking up at the young girl with a thoroughly unimpressed stare. "only if it makes you mad," he told her. it was his duty as her twin.

suddenly, she hauled hanschen up to his feet with superhuman strength and pushed him so hard he stumbled into the creek. the cold water shocked his entire body as he fell backwards, soaking his clothes quickly. hed have screamed if his head didnt go under for a brief few seconds, instead coughing water hed inhaled on accident. all to the amusement of thea and the others, of course.

his arm stung from abrasions courtesy of the rocks under the water, and when he held it up for inspection, spots of bright red blood had already began to run down his forearm. even as a child, he was more annoyed than anything else.

he drew his eyes away from his scraped arm to give thea a pointed glare, but she was no where to be found, evidently disappeared once her game with martha and otto picked up again. instead he met the eyes of another boy, one hed seen around often. hed been writing something with a branch broken from a tree as hanschen could see from the dipping lines in the earth. usually he was spotted with another young boy, tugging him by the hand and always yapping a lot of variations of "moritz" and "stiefel" at the poor kid, but today hanschen noted he was alone.

his eyes sparkled green in the sunlight, narrowed as he looked at him. his coarse wavy hair was parted neatly on the left but otherwise seemed to stick up everywhere, sticking to his forehead and shaped by the wind. he wore sunday clothes, even though it was a thursday, either because he was stuck up or because he owned nothing else, hanschen couldnt tell.

hanschens arm dropped back into the water, his cuts stinging from the cold. he raised a brow. the boy on the shore waved back.

after that, they werent best friends. they didnt build forts out of sticks and mud or skip down the road hand in hand. in fact, they seemed to be at constant odds, even when their opinions were limited to the small world they knew as children. hanschen and melchior were electromagnetic. it took him a long time to realize it was attraction, not repellent, that had them clashing.

has them clashing. they continue to find their way to each other no matter how hard they try to stop it.

"youre thinking?" melchior asks.

"mm. reminiscing." he tries to avoid looking at the boy - man is a more accurate descriptor, its been a decade since he had been a kid writing words at the creek - but ultimately fails, distracted by the way the stray strands of hair shimmer in the moonlight, like silver thread.

he thinks the first time he realized he was different was in his earlier years of school. his childhood summers had ended and hed been introduced to the world of education, an unsavory thing that had him confined to a single room for hours on end, watching an adult wear chalk thin on a dusty blackboard. it was not only his first introduction to academics like math and science, but his first introduction to gym.

gym was hell in hanschens opinion. there was no studying to help him, and to be graded solely on his skill frustrated him to no end. hed spend hours out throwing around a ball, muscles screaming in agony, before being released to the locker rooms to shower in a room full of sweaty boys like himself.

the water was always hard and cold, striking his back like a whip. he thought all the other boys looked, too. he thought all the other boys dropped their eyes from faces to bodies, not to compare themselves mentally, but just to look. when he said something of that account, he quickly realized that assumption was wrong. then he told himself he was simply observant, because in order to survive he had to be sharper, didnt he?

he gathered information like this. for example, georg was the first to sprout dark, coarse hairs in a line from his navel. moritz looked at his feet and remained silent, and his awkwardness only grew when his body followed suit, and like the click of a light, hanschen started seeing the effects the regular physical activity had on his body; his stomach was no longer soft, his arms and legs no longer sticks awkwardly tacked on to his lanky body. his masculine v stirred something like envy in hanschens stomach. and ernst had the nicest cock; it was prettier than any of the other boys. he caught him staring once and hanschens face felt so hot he thought he might be burning from the inside out. he was just jealous was all. he wasnt the ideal and they were.

self-loathing and attraction always seemed to blend together for hanschen. he truly did feel insecure in his own skin surrounded by boys hed known since childhood whod suddenly become sculpted by the gods. he also definitely wanted them to pound him so hard he forgot his own name. so that made things confusing.

"when did you first realize you liked boys?" hanschen asks.

"i dont. i didnt," melchior says, shutting him up quickly. hanschens gaze darts away from the other boys face and he swallows hard. hes not a stupid boy, but somehow he allowed melchior gabor to weasel his way into his life.

he knew this is what would happen, and yet he still let melchior get to him. he still felt butterflies swarming in his stomach around him, especially whenever they were doing anything domestic. then he could pretend they were married or something, like they were a couple, a real couple, and it reduced him to an eager little boy again, curious and happy and excited, all the sorts of emotions that dulled through the years. hes allowed himself to be vulnerable in front of melchior gabor and he hates himself for it.

he feels melchiors soft hands on his face, forcing him to look at him again. his chest still rises and falls heavily, though now at regular intervals, and the post-orgasmic daze makes him look like an angel sent from heaven. he kisses him, hard, lips soft and firm against his own. hands move to the back of his head, grasping at his tousled hair, soon becoming tangled in the locks of blond. he wonders if melchior thinks about how their lips fit like pieces in a puzzle. wonders if he can taste the cum as his tongue passes over his parted lips, if he minds. wonders if he even thinks at all.

melchior pulls away first, running his hands through hanschens hair a few times before bringing his right hand and using his thumb to wipe cum from his chin, then the stray saliva on his bottom lip. "you missed a spot," he says instead of acknowledging the intimacy at all. its not surprising because its what he always does. hanschen rolls his eyes.

"ive been thinking," melchior says.

"youve been thinking..." hanschen repeats.

"about wendla. wendla bergmann. from when we were kids. from church."

"wendla bergmann. thea says she has the best hair. whatever that means."

"i think ill grow to fancy her," melchior continues, ignoring the anecdote entirely. "i think she could be something. wed definitely be something. perfect, really."

"im glad you decided on a wife while you were busy fucking me," hanschen snaps. the very real annoyance and hurt is lost on melchior, who simply laughs at him.

"shes kind. and pretty. and i think intelligent, too," he goes on.

"why are you telling me this, again?"

he gives him an odd look. "were friends, arent we? dont friends talk?"

"you have stiefel for talking, dont you?"

"do i only have to have one friend?"

"i cant imagine you could manage to score more than one." hes only half-joking.

"i like talking to you," melchior points out.

except, he doesnt. hanschen knows he doesnt, because it wouldnt hurt this much if he did. he was lonely, and melchior was there, melchior who was only horny and bored. who is still only horny and bored. hanschen swallows the poison in his mouth hard, bites his tongue because he knows he asked for it. he asked to be used. melchior is the first boy hanschen loved, and the first boy that destroys him, too. sometimes its how things are. it surely beats being alone.

"i know." hanschen kisses him again, only to make him stop talking, only to feel his skin on his before he disappears completely.

[unicornninjabitch]

Follower: literally no one asked for a depressing ass life update

Me; …… lol you wild anyways

I hate not being able to ask for help and i hate not being able to stand up for myself. Growing up i was thrown into a lot of fights between my parents and i always felt like i had to pick a side and stick to it and i usually sided with my mom for reasons we dont gotta get into rn so me and my mom have been super close like my whole life. She was all I had for most of my life because i was a kid playing parent since my mom worked a lot and my dad wanted to do whatever he wanted, so imagine little me barely out of elementary school trying to make sure my 5 year old brother is doing homework and the angry 8 year old isnt being a complete asshole to the 5 year old. I never really got to just be a kid cause i was making sure the house wouldnt fall apart under our feet, so now that im being thrown to the wolves as far as growing up goes I don’t think its fair that when i ask for help i get looked down on and belittled and get looked at like im some stupid kid, like, i was never allowed to just be a stupid kid so how come now that im 18 and dont know how to do everything immediately am i suddenly a stupid kid who probably cant make it in the real world? Its bullshit and not fair. Tbh its not just that i cant ask for help with cause growing up i thought asking for help meant weakness and i had to be strong cause i was the oldest and asking for help meant stressing out my mom even more than she was cause she had a hard time putting food on the table by herself.

As for standing up for myself, okay i havent hidden that my mom hasnt been supportive in any way after i came out cause i try to cover it up with humor, but like, she was my best friend for so many years when i had no one else to lean on (and thats a story for another day tbfh) she was like all i had. She was supportive of my writing even when it sucked and when i wanted to be a teacher but its like she did a 180 or some shit. Okay so when i switched to wanting to do psych she was kinda like “okay but make sure a certificate will be transferable or whatever” and one time i said how i THOUGHT about MAYBE doing english as a major cause i love writing and i thought maybe i could start up a publishing company that mostly published books centered around minorities cause that seemed like something id enjoy tbh, but she shitted all over even the thought of majoring in english just like “What job could you possibly get with an english degree?” and her friend, with an english degree, told me an English degree is basically useless and like??yes i understand english isnt the most employable degree but maybe i want more to life than a job, maybe i wanted to do something im passionate about or something (dont get me wrong im really passionate with my current career path but still it was an idea i was really into and wanted to learn more about and i still wanna double major but besides the point) I couldnt even explaing why i was thinking about that major i kinda defulted to head down, shoulders drop, say “yeah maybe you gotta point” and like thats not fair to me i dont think. That was the start of the slippery slope of her becoming more and more unsupportive with everything i do. I didnt apply to that many schools and most the final 2 were Elizabethtown College and University of Bridgeport, Etown was way more expensive and i kinda didnt want to go there tbh but they said i could apply for free so i did. Now for college i did EVERYTHING myself. I looked up colleges, compared prices and scholarships, took notes on all the majors and minors i thought i could want, applied on my own and anything else I did by myself. Looking back i realize i probably shouldve applied to more schools or looked more at the professors or something, but i didnt cause i didnt know to, but she gave me such a hard time with UB. She complained about everything about it until i finally said “fine ill just go to county and then Rutger or something” (which isnt a bad plan and wouldve saved me a shit ton of money but i wanted to get tf away from jersey) Thats when she said fine and said she’d help financially (even though the loans getting transfered to my name after i graduate but okay). So there was kinda a wedge in our relationship but nothing huge we were still pretty close but we just ignored certain subjects like school and shit. Then in the summer she gave me hell for not working like we agreed i wouldnt work during the school year cause i speant so much of junior year wanting to kill myself and was so fucking depressed we, as in the both of us, decieded on that, than in the VERY begining of summer i broke my fucking ankle, so i couldnt really walk anywhere and i dont drive (side note, i hate when driving gets brought up because just sitting behind the wheel gives me so much anxiety, like yes its a good skill to have but i cant drive so please leave me alone i hate myself for it enough) Plus i speant a majority of the summer super depressed and anxiety ridden and kinda scared about a lot of stuff.So it was nice to hear i was lazy and ungrateful when somedays it took everything to get out of bed to feed myself let alone clean up around the house. Also as a certified Millennial™  I cover my self hatred and depression with jokes and memes o the one day i make a joke about it and she said “you dont really hate yourself, you wouldnt know what that feels like” Okay 1. I most definetly hate myself just cause i dont walk around super edgy and emo doesnt mean i stopped critizing my every action, just cause you dont notice me not letting myself eat/eating everything in sight doesnt mean i dont wish i looked like literally anything else. No i hate myself i just cover it up so fuck off.

Then theres coming out (which gets its own paragraph cause its a fucking mess). I came up via a letter that i left in her room and she didnt say anything for maybe a week so i speant a week with my defult being panic attack or “maybe everythings gonna be okay i mean she hasnt really said my name i dont think and maybe everythings okay and youre just freaking out for nothing” but nope we had a talk and if you dont know apperently you have to know right out of the womb that your trans. My moms best friend has a niece whos trans and she was given so much shit from the adults in her life just and still does (this kids literally 14 and they treat the poor girl like such shit its awful) and i was never into sterotypical “boy things”. I didnt like sports other than soccer but only for fun, I was very much the quiet kid who usually had his nose in a book, so i think that mixed with seeing this little girl treated like trash by people we both loved and looked up to (cause my moms best friends family is kinda like a second family to me) i never thought that could ever be me. Later in life i questioned my sexuality and looking at a bunch of terms and things some of them related to me, but i thought no ill put that on the back burner for now just cause maybe im just projecting/thinking about it too much rn. Then even later in life Kate came out to me and we talked and i noticed some similarities in what she said to what i felt, so i looked up terms and definitions and took online quizzes almost all day everyday to figure out what was going on with me. Almost as long as i known Kate shes been my safe person, especially with this just in case I realized no this isnt who i am or whatever, but either way Kate was a huge support and great person to rely on and my fears and other stuff. After more constant quizzes and reading and asking myself if i just wanted to be a *~special snowflake~* and testing waters and shit I decieded yes this is who i am...shit im gonna have to come out. My mom basically said “you arent trans, youre making this up and being ridiculous. Im not calling you that name and i wont call you he/him and that hurt a lot. Like she didnt even say Alexander she said “whatever name you put”. Mind you im absolutely heart broken cause i thought if anyone my mom would be supportive. She offered if Kate ever wanted she could crash with us and she calls her best friends niece the right name, but when it came to me she thought it was fake. Now at this point im trying not to cry out loud and im clenching my jaw so hard it hurt till the next afternoon. I dont know if its just me or what, but it feels like after that shes rubbing it in. It feels like shes using my birth name more and saying she/her and shit. She also acted like i was an idiot like i know that changing my name is a process, but she also said if any of my college stuff had Alexander on it she wouldnt help pay for it which really hurt. I really try to ignore/avoid her just cause it hurts less than figurative slaps to the face its like, *slap* girl, *slap* birthname, *slap* liar, *slap* making it up, *slap* thats not how it works, *slap* youre being disrespectful as hell, *slap* you arent a boy *fucking uppercut*, but i cant always ignore her which leads to tonight.

My cousins had like a little party for their birthday and it was awful for me (in their defense im not out to them but still it makes me super uncomfortable but its not their fault really). We looked at baby pictures so it was a lot of “omg look how pretty you were” and “oh my goodness i love that dress you look so beautiful there” Then my hair, of course got brought up and people were like “oh you know girls are so much prettier with long hair” and “when are you gonna grow it back out like hers?” (cause you know girls HAVE to have long hair *sarcasm*) so i just kinda awkwardly laugh and change the subject. Of course my moms pointing out all the pictures of me in a dress or with long hair or whatever. Then it was super fun picture time!! I hate pictures (that i dont take cause those are under my control and shit) for a lot of reasons. I always feel like i look fat and i notice everything thats “feminine” about my body and we already went over the self hate thing but still i hate pictures and im visibly uncomfortable while theyre happening. Someone says “oh stop youll love them in 20 years” like or ill hate them cause ill remember being so uncomfortable and so ready to walk home and ill remember not being able to forget that my whole family will probably always think im a girl no matter what i do. Then we get on to college. Im the first to go to college and everyone was like where are you going, what are you majoring in blah blah blah. So i answer their questions and be a polite kid. And everytime someone asked when i was leaving my mom jumped on it “3 weeks from today!!” like shit so by the end of the night my binders starting to get uncomfortable, im socially tired, ive been uncomfortable for 20 minutes, and im hating the amount of hugs im getting cause i can feel my boobs more than and shit. So someone said something about me leaving so i was like “you still have like a month” and of course my mom goes “3 weeks!!” so im fucking annoyed by everything and like just ready to go to CT now so im like “we get it your counting down the days i leave” and she got an attitude so i turn to my uncle and say im about to make it 2 weeks and shes like how about 1? So i just shrug and say okay bye like im unfazzed right now. Then we go drop my brother off at our dads and as soon as we pull away shes yelling at me about my “attitude lately” like what??!! Youve ruined so much for me lately im allowed to be angry! You destroyed my confidence about coming out. You made me feel like something was wrong with me. YOU completely destroyed our relationship and maybe i did too, but you know what?! Im completely justified in being uncomfortable around you! When my 14 year old brother (who has been really amazing and apologized for having to call me my birth name which he didnt have to cause he knew im only out to a handful of people but it was still sweet of him) asked how you were about this you said what you said to me which is fucking bullshit!! Youve treated me like shit lately and youll walk in and start nagging/complaining/yelling at me cause you dont know how to handle your angry which ive delt with for so fucking long!! Like when am i allowed to be mad at you?! When am i allowed to say no ive had it with your bullshit?!! But of course i dont know how to actual articulate this without a huge fight going off cause those just trigger a huge anxiety attack and shit and screaming and fighting is something i avoid at almost every cost because its scary to me fo a million and three reasons. Like im so ready to burry my ass in debt just to keep out of this house like i dont want to be anywhere near here. I dont wanna come home ever. I want to stay in CT forever just so i dont have to deal with this shit which i know probably isnt healthy but whatever i dont care anymore she gives me so much shit i dont care.

But i still feel guilty i guess. Ive never been ANGRY at my mom, i rarely fought with her, she was always my rock and i know what certain holidays, mostly Christmas, mean to her, but i dont know if i can bring myself to come home just to be around her so much and fall back into being called my birthname or she/her or whatever. I dont know i feel bad not wanting to come home because the boys moved in with our dad (which i cant do for reasons that dont need to be talked about atm) and i dont want to make her sad cause shes my mom, but i dont want to hurt myself because shes my mom, you know?

I dont care about our relationships, me being trans isnt going away a few years (which she told me we could revisit this in a few years like bitch what??!!) wont mean anything except me, once again, doing everything completely on my fucking own! Ill be alone and it feel like almost like i always be alone, like maybe ill go to CT and still wind up with the Fuck Up™ gene being very present in my life. Idk somedays i just feel like maybe no ones supposed to saty in my life, which i dont want to be true cause rn i have some amazing people in my life and im scared theyll leave too just meant to be abandoned and alone or something. The thing is im a sentimental, touch starved, emotional piece of shit and i really love people being consistent in my life and being left alone is such a huge fear of mine and i feel like some of my friends are already disappearing from my life (which i know happens and is natural especially after school but it still hurts to some degree ig)

So yeah lifes kinda full of bullshit right now and i cant wait to move out and study almost year round to avoid being home as much as possible and theres really no reason to this other than for me to complain about life and shit ig

[midnightmoon01]

Yes… I watch it for the plot…

The plot:

Takigawa Masaki -Tsurune: Tsunagari no Issha episode 01