#who stayed with my mentally unstable and pained by withdrawal symptoms self for over six hours today

[there-will-be-a-way]

Guess who went to their local psych ward today? It's me 💁🏻‍♂️ This boy's seeking the help he deserves.

They didn't have any capacity rn though and since I'm not suicidal, they sent me home. But they got me a letter so that I can come back tomorrow or on Wednesday. Part of me wants to say I'll just take the option of being put on the waiting list so that I can make things worse in the meantime to "really be deserving of help".

I already packed my bag though so that I can go at any time. It was kind of reassuring that they said the only option would be to put me in the addiction ward. That made things real for me - yet on the other hand some portion of me still thinks I have no problem.

The docs were super cool about me being trans too. Didn't made a big deal out of it. Just asked me for my pronouns. They were really kind and helpful in general.

When waiting for the docs I said to my social worker, "If they don't have a bed for me, I'll just surrender to my fate and accept it." She took some time and said she doesn't see any other option than for me to just keep on drinking until I get help. Asked me to please not go cold turkey on my own.

The appointment at the place that helps victims of violence the guy was really nice as well.

It's strange how often people ask me how I'm even handling everything I have to carry and handle. My past. The conflicts of the present. And how I've been carrying it all by myself for so long.

The thing I get told the most is that I'm strong. "I don't think I am", I say. "I'm just doing what has to be done. There's no other way."

And the guy I had the appointment with said, "There is. You could have thrown yourself in front of a train. Many people do."

"That's not an option for me", I said.

It isn't.

It isn't.