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welllpthisishappening · 4 years ago

Text

Catching the Highlights

It wasn’t like she was nervous, not really. Or jealous, even. Honestly, the entire story was more than a little hysterical and very nearly distracted Belle from the obviously frustrated way Will kept moving his hands at the end of the second period. Still, there was something about sitting in the stands that felt different and maybe hearing about how her maybe-boyfriend made out with Anna Vankald one time was just the push she needed. To make things a bit more real.

———

Word Count: Nearly 4.5K AN: This is a thing I do now, apparently. Write Blue Line! Will and Belle. And poorly photoshop eights into sixes on jerseys. Although I draw the line at making the girl that same photo wear a skirt. Anyway, this continues to be real fun, I hope the five people enjoying it continue to enjoy it and I think I’ve got at least one more idea for these dweebs. So, that’ll probably happen sooner rather than later. Possibly with more badly executed photoshops.

———

It had something to do with his eyes.

With the way they narrowed ever so slightly, able to thin without causing any sort of furrow between his brow or lines of frustration on his forehead. They’d pinch. His eyes, that was. Make it so it was difficult for Belle to see the brown there or the bits of gold that she was at least ninety-six percent positive she wasn’t imagining and only slightly less confident had something to do with her.

She’d never really been one for details, like that.

Strange as it might have been.

Details were the lifeblood of research. Tiny bits of information that could sway a doctoral defense or prove an argument, but Belle had always been far more interested in the sweeping potential of a very good story, and research had that too, she supposed. To some degree, at least. Although, that was getting existential. Her work was good. She was good. Fine, even. Definitely fine. Nothing to see here. Nothing to worry about. No reason to compare the strange and not entirely unfamiliar sensation of fluttering in the pit of her stomach whenever Will glanced her way to the decidedly still nature of all her internal organs while she spent eight to ten hours uptown five days a week.

Sitting at her desk, she regularly tried to fit into the mold, everything everyone expected her to be with the title she had, and that required her to think less about the bigger picture. That sounded negative. It wasn’t. Probably. Hopefully. Just required further research. More details and specific examples.

All of them regarding the nature of Will’s eyes.

Even so, she—

Part of her missed it. The sweep. The really good stories. Ones that were less clinical and more fantastical. And the deep breath that always came just seconds before being overwhelmed. By the current and the wave and those were rather similar, as far as analogies went, but all the best stories always left her a little overwhelmed, and Belle’s cheeks were starting to ache as something bubbled out of her. Laughter, in its purest form. Bouncing and bounding and echoing off otherwise abandoned walls, the pair of them tucked into a corner of the Garden concourse because they hadn’t actually decided this was a secret, but Anna Vankald was apparently living her life under some sort of blood oath, all sworn secrecy, and poorly executed winks in the second period.

Like this was hidden. A tiny detail tucked away. Never debated. Never highlighted in the opening paragraphs of a twenty-six-page dissertation. With Chicago-style formatting.

No one ever knew how to property do Chicago-style formatting.

Belle might have hated Chicago-style formatting.

She’d never been to Chicago.

Had never been—

Will’s eyes were barely slits on his face.

Twisted lips loomed above her, not quite frustration, but inching closer the longer she kept laughing, and she refused to linger on what that meant. The laughing. The happiness. Joy, maybe. She looked up, instead. Let her head bump the wall her shoulders already had, appreciating the soft scrape of what might have been concrete against her hair, like that would ground her or slow her overactive imagination, and his hair was still wet.

“She wasn’t supposed to tell you that.” Belle bit the side of her tongue. Didn’t help, really. With her laughter problem. “Keeping state secrets?” “It happened once.” “Yes, she mentioned that, too.” He might have growled. Some strange part of her wanted him to, relished whatever the technical term was for the sound that eked out between his bared teeth, rolling his whole head in the process. Their noses nearly collided.

Belle pushed up on her toes.

To kiss the tip of Will’s nose.

“That’s distracting,” he grumbled, but his hand had inched under the hem of her shirt, and that meant he’d managed to get the hem of her shirt out of the skirt she was wearing.

“Should I have worn your jersey or something?”

His eyes snapped. Open. Brown and gold, and that wasn’t a particularly swoon-like combination in any of the stories Belle had memorized while she was growing up. Heroes with royal titles and broadswords quite literally made to challenge dragons and hordes of villains always came with blonde hair and a slight curl, flashing blue eyes that twinkled in sunlight and starlight, and Belle’s hand didn’t shake. When she brushed the few drops of water clinging to Will’s temple away.

Her calves were starting to ache, too. Made sense. She was still pushed up on her toes.

And the Rangers had lost. Not—well, not badly. By two goals, and one of those was an empty-net goal, which was a term Belle figured out all on her own. Well before Anna mumbled explanations under her breath, glaring daggers any time the Islanders fan two rows in front of them dared to open his mouth.

Honestly, that was part of the problem. He kept yelling, and Anna looked dangerously close to staging some sort of public execution in section 204 and Belle had asked. For details. Wanted a good story, or possibly a distraction because she’d noticed the way Will’s hands moved at the end of the second period, staging a rather enthusiastic conversation with a man she’d never met, but his jersey said LOCKSLEY, and she didn’t think the jersey would lie to her.

She was going to blame the Islanders fan.

“If you did that,” Will mumbled, in response to a question she’d legitimately almost forgotten about, “I’m not sure I would have been able to get out on the ice.” “Oh, compliment or—” “Definite compliment. Was that not obvious?” “Well, you’re making out with so many other girls.”

Her laugh clung to the letters, pulling her lips behind her teeth to keep from smiling like a total idiot. Something was happening. With the flutters and the overall ability of her nasal passages to get oxygen back to her lungs, and it must have been a trick of the light. The way Will’s eyes flashed, gaze flicking up beneath eyelashes and just above the half curve of his mouth, and Belle’s knees felt a little unsteady beneath her. Fighting against the force of a wholly imaginary, even more staggering wave.

“One time,” he said, straining on every letter, “it happened one time, and—seriously, why was she talking about this with you?” “Asked for a fun and interesting story about her.” Will’s eyes bugged, another shift in his voice that was much more like a crack as he nearly shouted, “And that’s what she came up with?”

“Said anything she had to tell me about her childhood was boring. Mostly because a lot of it would focus on KJ, because—”

“That’s Cap.” Belle clicked her tongue. “Wow, thank you for that. What would I do without you?” “If you wore my jersey, I think my head would explode.” “Not the compliment you think it is, either. That’d be a lot of blood. Who would even clean that up? Couldn’t make someone here do it; that’d be mean. Cruel and unusual, probably.” “I like your skirt.” “Better,” Belle laughed, in spite of her best efforts. Which were really lackluster, quite frankly. “Anyway, the childhood was apparently super boring, and there were shenanigans of rookie season to discuss.”

“She grew up in a mansion!” “Yeah, we got to that part eventually, although technically, I think it was just a brownstone.” “Rich kid description.” “You can tell her that if you want, I’m sure,” Belle reasoned, but his lips were back to twisted, and she was already on her toes. Made sense to use that to her advantage. Pressing kisses against the edges of his mouth, alternating back and forth until it felt a little like a rhythm she could time the rest of her vaguely unsteady breathing to, and she certainly did try. Didn’t work, but something about effort and attempts and those were—

Details, really.

“I like her,” Belle added lightly, mouth moving across a stubble-covered cheek. Part of her felt ridiculous. Always did with things like this. She wasn’t the story. Will wasn’t the hero. He and his teammate had gotten into a fight at the end of the second period, for God’s sake. And this wasn’t—well, it wasn’t a fairy tale. No matter how much sweeping there might have been. With its butterfly wings and salt-filled waves, all of which existed solely in Belle’s subconscious.

But there was this other part.

Part of her that didn’t always linger behind her desk. Flitted through imaginary scenarios and stories stored in the back corner of her brain, the same one that could still smell salt air with startling clarity, and remembered the precise taste of freshly-made taffy from that one restaurant on the beach. Details. She remembered those details. Held them fast, afraid they’d disappear otherwise, and made sure they played prominent roles in every daydream.

For fear of what would happen if she didn’t.

How they’d fade. Grow grey and thin, and it was a contradiction. Right in the middle of her. And that scared her just a little bit, because whatever was happening now, right at that moment, with a hand flat on the curve of her hip and her heart doing its abject best to beat its way out of her chest, she felt the same exact way. Sweeping and detailed and not the least bit jealous.

There was no need to be, really. Not when she was fairly certain she could drown in the golden flecks of Will’s eyes. Constantly staring at her as they were apt to do.

“Do you want to hear the gist of the story?”

Will’s lips pursed. Stayed that way even as Belle’s lips continued their path across his face, spending at least two seconds at the side of his left eye and the still slightly damp area surrounding his right temple. She started picking up speed. Quick kisses that she could only hope felt as strongly as the prickle of her lips suggested. But then Will’s fingers tightened. Not much. Just enough to be obvious, and Belle grinned against his cheek.

“I lived it,” Will argued, but there wasn’t much fight in it. He’d done that already, anyway. They’d get to that part, eventually.

“As the story goes, though, there was some less than savory libations involved, and—” “I’m still not convinced that vodka was legal in the continental United States.” “Suggests it’d be fair game in Hawaii and Alaska, though. Possibly Puerto Rico. I’m not sure what the rules on that are. Maybe the US Virgin Islands. What about Guam? You think your alcohol would be fair game in Guam?” “I’d have to check the label.” “You still have it?” Belle balked, almost fully and entirely prepared for the flash of amusement and the precise angle of eyebrow jump. Almost being the key word, there. Another burst of laughter tumbled out of her, lips on her cheeks that time, all blazing and prickling, and that one wasn’t inherently positive, but she was slightly worried her hair was going to get caught in the concrete of the wall and she could not possibly be expected to think when Will’s hand kept doing whatever it was it was doing.

“No, no, we did a very good job of drinking that entire thing, but I’d know that bottle anywhere.” “Where were you buying illegal alcohol? Also, how did you not die drinking hundred-proof vodka?” “Pure force of will.”

“And bad hockey games.” “Those too,” Will admitted grudgingly. An edge crept into his voice. Likely born in the second period of this game. She kissed the bridge of his nose. The tip. Between his eyebrows. Waiting for some of the tension to leave his shoulder blades, and that was all she got. Some. It was enough, for now.

“You want to talk about that?” “Losing a playoff game my rookie season? That happened a bunch of times, babe, this was just—” “Don’t be an idiot,” Belle interrupted.

He grinned. Tension kept pulling taut between his shoulders and the slope of his cheekbones, the second of which was really starting to offend Belle on an almost fundamental level, but his smile looked legitimate, and that was enough.

“Should I go defend your honor in the locker room, darling?” The grin widened. “Trying to get a rise out of me, but gender is a social construct, so I don’t think it affects nicknames, and I’m a real big fan of that one, actually.” “No rise,” Belle promised, fingers hovering above his shoulders, and they both flinched when he winced. “Going to be honest, the hitting sort of freaked me out.” “Locksley wasn’t going to hit me.” “Well, yeah, then I’d have to punch him in the locker room.” “Keep your thumb inside your fist,” Will suggested, “that way you won’t break it.” “Right, right, naturally,” Belle mumbled, and she didn’t know how they managed it. Stayed upright while his hand shifted further up the back of her shirt and her teeth grazed the curve of his jaw. She was on something of a mission, now. To cover every inch of his face. With her lips. “Anyway, as Anna told this wholly fascinating story, there was a lot of vodka involved, a very bad loss, some card game—” “—Kings.” “That’s a drinking game.” “Well, now you’re getting into unnecessary specifics.” Her body shook. Against Will’s. Who almost immediately groaned. Presumably at the location and exact angle of her hips. “Ok, so there were cards involved in your drinking game. Pizza was eaten, alcohol was downed in alarmingly large gulps.” “Editorializing a bit, mon bonheur.”

“What’s that one?” “Happiness.” “Oh, that one’s nice.” Will huffed. “They’re all super nice; I have a very large crush on you; I don’t want to talk about making out with Anna Vanklad anymore.”

He said it quickly, rushing over the words. Some might even say sweepingly. Where Belle was the some. In that instance, specifically. Someone, more like. She didn’t care. Was not spending even a second on proper sentence structure or appropriate internal grammar, was far too preoccupied with the circumference of Will’s eyes. And that one muscle in his jaw. Jumping with startling regularity, really. Totally different from her heart and her pulse and it was difficult to catch her breath.

Felt a bit like she’d played a hockey game.

A walking contradiction.

Where she also wasn’t walking anywhere. At all. Had absolutely no intention of walking away. From this.

“Was it not a good make-out?” “I honestly don’t remember a lot of it,” Will sighed, another roll of his neck. Something cracked. “That’s not game-related,” he added, and she could only imagine it had to do with the look on her face, “anyway, it was just...there was that vodka involved, and Vankald spent a ton of time at our apartment. She wasn’t Cap’s sister-in-law yet, but they’d grown up together, was my friend, and he’d fallen asleep, so…” “Figured you just make out?” “Not a lot of thought involved in it. She was a fixture, y’know? Shit, that sounds shitty. Does that sound super shitty?

“Drifting toward shitty, yeah.”

“Anna came to visit a lot because no matter what she may claim, she worries about Cap as much as anyone. Even El and Leader, and that’s—” “Wait, you have an Alien Leader you all report to?” “You’re ruining this story.” Her laugh got caught. Directly between them, all mouths and that goddamn hand, Belle’s neck tilting back on what might have been instinct and need, and she’d gasped more in the last four hours than she had in her entire life. “Tell me more about your Alien Leader, please.” “He only acts like an alien.” “Huh, that cleared up absolutely nothing.” “You should keep kissing me.” “Compare and contrast, huh?” Will groaned. Again. Part two. Let his mouth drag down the side of her throat, and Belle couldn’t stop laughing. Happiness poured out of her, new and a little strange in its quantity. As if she was made of the stuff, even worried as she was through all three periods. She’d kept wringing her fingers together. At one point, Anna had to hold her hand.

“Ruining,” another kiss, “this,” teeth on her collar bone, “baby girl.”

Suggesting that she lit up in a way that reminded her of a Christmas tree was—

Farcical, maybe.

Nothing inhuman happened. There were no bells. No whistles. No flashing neon lights suggesting this was the moment and a conversation regarding the man with his hand currently inching towards her right boob drunkenly making out with someone who wasn’t Belle should not have been so—

Fun.

God, it was fun. She was having fun. With him and because of him. Hockey nonsense aside.

Because, since coming to New York with her invisible tail tucked between her legs and the near-desperate desire to get away from that seaside town with its ghosts and its demands and its plan for a future that simply did not fit her anymore, Belle had tried. Really. To shed that persona. To be someone new. Hard as she tried, though, there were ties. Those lingering memories. Ones that dug in their heels, while she gripped others with both hands. She was, and she wasn’t. Small town and big town, a librarian who couldn’t care less about details while focusing on specifics with everything in her.

And none of it ever really made much sense.

Hurt her head to think about, everything she tried to contain and the worry that ate away at her sometimes. That she’d messed up, ruined all of it and—

She didn’t kiss Will’s mouth.

Peppered his face, instead. With her lips and the feelings behind them, mapping the space until she was certain she knew it as well as her own, and she wanted to. Wanted to learn everything about this guy who felt as jagged as she did, made up of right and wrong and mistakes and possibility and she knew it was only a matter of time before he got impatient.

She liked that about him.

That he didn’t always wait for her to catch up. Just knew that she would.

Plus, his tongue in her mouth was really something Belle was starting to appreciate. In an obsessive sort of way.

She might have groaned that time.

Fingers scrambled against the front of his shirt — team-branded, again, and that shouldn’t have been charming, but it was and likely would continue to be, and there were goosebumps on her skin. They were really very good at kissing. Each other, specifically.

“I like you, too,” Belle said, and it was a strange thing not to be embarrassed by the breathless nature of her voice.

Will’s chest was practically heaving, though. So that put them on even ground. Common ground, at least.

“You’re not mad?” “Give me some credit, sweetheart.” He chuckled, warm air against the top of her shoulder. “Was a very long time ago, for whatever that might be worth.” “Twelve galleons.” “I don’t know the conversion rate of that.” “No one does, so I think we’re all in the same boat.” “You don’t think Jo knows the conversion rate of her own fictional monetary system?” Belle shook her head. “I absolutely do not, because she was a shit world-builder and also a fairly terrible person now, so—” She shrugged. Will beamed. Some joke about a Christmas tree.

“So,” he echoed, “the thought of making out with Little Vankald has never once again crossed my mind.”

Someone scoffed. With entirely false indignation.

Using Will’s shoulder as leverage — the non-bruised one, naturally — Belle got enough height beneath her toes to see Anna cross her arms. And scowl at the pair of them. Badly. The scowl lasted all of five seconds before it evolved into its own rather uproarious laughter, another echo that filled the empty space of a concourse Belle could not imagine they were supposed to be standing on. Only a matter of time until someone else found them.

She wasn’t sure that was a bad thing, actually.

“That’s super rude, Scarlet,” Anna hissed, muffled footsteps that only lost their volume because of the overall status of Belle’s heart. Still trying to fly out of her. “But I want it noted, for the record and all that, that I don’t want to make out with you ever again, either.”

“Do you remember it being way wetter than it should have been?” “You problem, absolutely.” “I haven’t had that issue,” Belle argued, mostly to guarantee the quirk of Will’s lips. Worked like a charm. Or something less lame sounding. In her head. Most of this commentary was in her head.

“Lucky you,” Anna drawled.

“C’mon,” Will whined, “no one told you to start with this story.” “Start with, huh?” His eyes. Were becoming a serious problem and a growing majority in the basis for most of Belle’s heart-related issues, but she forced herself to meet his gaze and tilt her chin up and she didn’t think she imagined the way his tongue pushed against the inside of his cheek. In an appraising sort of way.

“I really would have told you. Eventually” “I know.” “I’m serious.” “I know,” Belle repeated, “and I’m really not threatened by someone who you still regularly refer to as Little Vankald.” Anna flipped him off. Or them, maybe. As a collective unit. Belle wanted them to be a collective unit. “I could order a jersey online, right?” “Nah, I know people, don’t waste your money.” “Could probably get Kris to help,” Anna added, “as the physical form of my apology.” Belle waved her off. “It was a good story. Highs, lows, drama, does your—do we call him your brother-in-law? He’s not the Alien Leader, right?” “You mean Liam?” Will’s laugh was more like a barely-contained snort of humor and shoulders that were tight for a reason that did not involve pessimistic emotions. Belle’s lips twitched. “Just knew that off the top of your head, did you?” she asked.

“If you knew Liam, you’d understand. Was Scarlet suggesting we’re all aliens?” “Nah, just him.” “I did no such thing,” Will objected, another glance in Anna’s direction, “Cap looking for us?” She nodded. “Locksley too. Should I be worried Mom and Dad are getting a divorce?” “You’re the most dramatic person alive.” “Lots of hand moving between the two of you, your girlfriend was worried.”

It was Belle’s turn to tense. With what, she wasn’t entirely sure. Some sort of emotion, she assumed. Adrenaline, maybe. Hope, possibly. And it wasn’t like she was waiting for labels, but she’d come to pretty good terms with her ability to counter herself in the midst of her own silent monologue, and Will was staring again. Straight through her, it seemed.

Or maybe directly into her.

That was sentimental, though.

“Does Killian know that you two made out once?” Anna hissed. “If you tell KJ about this, I will actually have to strangle you, no matter how much I like you and how much Scarlet wants to date you.” “Aren’t we dating already?” Anna opened her mouth, what Belle knew would be more sarcasm and the teasing nature of her and Will’s relationship, but she had more pressing issues, and he answered, anyway. “Yeah, we totally are, plus I like you way more than I hate Ariel’s inevitable victory lap, so I mean, that’s—” Cutting him off was rude. Not nice. Inevitable.

Based solely on the size of his eyes and their gold-like nature.

“I, uh—” Belle started, “I know we’re not supposed to accept the set-up, and Ariel’s going to be so annoying, but maybe we could…” She shrugged. Tried to stay focused. And upright. Continued standing seemed important in a moment like this. “We’re both kinda messed up, don’t you think?” “Little,” Will murmured.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, and I know that we’re...I mean, this is good, and I’m mostly good with it, but also, I was super nervous during the game, and what were you guys fighting about?” “Fighting is a strong word. More like discussing how Locksley should learn to keep his stick on the ice so he can get that tip from my slap.” “Weird turn of phrase.” “Slap shot.” “No time for full terminology, huh?” “How goes the understanding icing battle?” She was going to sprain her cheeks. Maybe Ariel could help with that. After gloating. Ariel was absolutely going to gloat. “Getting there,” Belle promised, and it was not about hockey, “don’t you think?” “Mmhm.” “So, uh—I don’t know what you do after games, but…” “Little Vankald is totally here to drag us uptown because Cap regularly challenges her in the dramatics, and I bet he’s hungry.” “You eat after games?” “Ariel’s husband owns that restaurant.” “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s how I met her actually. Good onion rings. Weird we didn’t ever see each other there at the same time, though.” Will hummed. Stuck out his lower lip. Challenged her without saying anything, and Anna was still standing there, and security had to be aware of them, but Belle was in the middle of something, and it was good and great and made absolutely no sense because she was not a pro sports girlfriend, but the labels really weren’t important, and it was all—

She gasped. For, like, the four-thousandth time that night.

Saved the best for last, though.

Will’s mouth found hers in a crashing sort of way that altered the cosmos, or at least Belle’s perception of the world around her. Particularly when her hands were suddenly more like barnacles, gripping his shirt as if she was afraid he’d disappear otherwise. Knuckles cracked and breath caught, everything spinning and staying frustratingly still, and one of her heels popped out of her shoe. Pressing back up on her toes didn’t do her calves any favors, but she wasn’t bruised and they were both a disaster, and the tongue thing really was pretty fantastic.

Tracing the inside of her mouth and the seam of her lips, Will’s rumble of pleasure echoed between her ribs, enough to spur Belle’s arm up as she slung it around his neck. Her fingers found skin and short hair, nails scratching so she could hear that sound again.

She closed her eyes.

Let the details seep in, and settle into her soul.

Until Anna coughed, and there was a security guard standing next to her, and Will’s head dropped to Belle’s collar bone again. He kissed there, too. Before spinning on his sandals, all confidence, and bravado, a reasonable excuse that someone, somewhere, would probably believe. Not this security guard, but that probably wasn’t important, and Belle had helped Will make an Instagram account.

So, something about a cat and a bag and—

His fingers laced through hers.

“Wanna challenge Locksley to a fight for my honor?” She scrunched her nose. Pretended to grimace when his lips pressed against her cheek. Anna gagged. “Yeah,” Belle said, “that’s exactly what I want to do.”

#scarlet beauty #scarlet beauty ff #scarlet beauty fic #blue line one shots #defensive!blue line #i don't know guys—these have just taken on a life of their own #will i put them on ao3? maybe who can say #i mean i can #but...they're still kind of short i think #for ao3 #if any of the five you reading this want specific scenes let me know #i've got time between waiting on people to make their deadlines

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morwensteelsheen · 4 years ago

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I’m starting grad school this autumn and honestly I’m getting nervous. Like yes I am v excited about the whole prospect overall and I do miss being a student but am intimidated by 3 hr long seminars and thesis writing and massive amounts of reading… everyone keeps saying it’s gonna be very different from undergrad so okay, but how specifically? Is it the large amounts of reading? I already had insane amounts of reading (humanities degree hurrah) especially in my last two years but could you expound on your own experience and how you take notes/read quickly/summarize or just how to deal with first time grad students?

Oh, yeah for sure! A necessary disclaimer here is that I'm at a certain poncy English institution that is noted for being very bad at communicating with its students and very bad at treating its postgrad students like human beings, so a lot of these strategies I've picked up will be overkill for anyone who has the good sense to go somewhere not profoundly evil lol.

So I'll just preface this by saying that I am a very poor student in terms of doing what you're supposed to. I'm very bad at taking notes, I never learned how to do it properly, and I really, really struggle with reading dense literature. That said, I'm probably (hopefully?) going to get through this dumb degree just fine. Also — my programme is a research MPhil, not taught, so it's a teensy bit more airy-fairy in terms of structure. I had two classes in Michaelmas term, both were once a week for two hours each; two in Lent, one was two hours weekly, the other two hours biweekly; and no classes at all in Easter. I also have no exam component, I was/am assessed entirely on three essays (accounting for 30% of my overall mark) and my dissertation (the remaining 70%), which is, I think, a little different to how some other programmes are. I think even some of the other MPhils here are more strenuous than that, like Econ and Soc Hist is like 100% dissertation? Anyways, not super important, but knowing what you're getting marked on is important. I dedicated considerably less time than I did in undergrad to perfecting my coursework essays because they just don't hold as much weight now. The difference between a 68 and a 70 just wasn't worth the fuss for me, which helped keep me sane-ish.

The best advice anyone ever gave me was that, whereas an undergrad degree can kind of take over your life without it becoming a problem, you need to treat grad school like a job. That's not because it's more 'serious' or whatever, but because if you don't set a really strict schedule and keep to it, you'll burn yourself out and generally make your life miserable. Before I went back on my ADD meds at the end of Michaelmas term, I sat myself down at my desk and worked from 11sh to 1800ish every day. Now that I'm medicated, I do like 9:30-10ish to 1800-1900 (except for now that I'm crunching on my diss, where, because of my piss-poor time management skills I'm stuck doing, like, 9:30-22:30-23:00). If you do M-F 9-5, you'll be getting through an enormous amount of work and leaving yourself loads of time to still be a human being on the edges. That'll be the difference between becoming a postgrad zombie and a person who did postgrad. I am a postgrad zombie. You do not want to be like me.

The 'work' element of your days can really vary. It's not like I was actually consistently reading for all that time — my brain would have literally melted right out of my ears — but it was about setting the routine and the expectation of dedicating a certain, consistent and routinized period of time for focusing on the degree work every day. My attention span, even when I'm medicated, is garbage, so I would usually read for two or three hours, then either work on the more practical elements of essay planning, answer emails, or plot out the early stages of my research.

In the first term/semester/whatever, lots of people who are planning on going right into a PhD take the time to set up their applications and proposals. I fully intended on doing a PhD right after the MPhil, but the funding as an international student trying to deal with the pandemic proved super problematic, and I realised that the toll it was taking on my mental health was just so not worth it, so I've chosen to postpone a few years. You'll feel a big ol' amount of pressure to go into a PhD during your first time. Unless you're super committed to doing it, just try and tune it out as much as you can. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a year (or two, or three, or ten) out, especially given the insane conditions we're all operating under right now.

I'll be honest with you, I was a phenomenally lazy undergrad. It was only by the grace of god and being a hard-headed Marxist that I managed to pull out a first at the eleventh hour. So the difference between UG and PG has been quite stark for me. I've actually had to do the reading this year, not just because they're more specialised and relevant to my research or whatever, but because, unlike in UG, the people in the programme are here because they're genuinely interested (and not because it's an economic necessity) and they don't want to waste their time listening to people who haven't done the reading.

I am also a really bad reader. Maybe it's partially the ADD + dyslexia, but mostly it's because I just haven't practiced it and never put in the requisite effort to learn how to do it properly. My two big pointers here are learning how to skim, and learning how to prioritise your reading.

This OpenU primer on skimming is a bit condescending in its simplicity, but it gets the point across well. You're going to want to skim oh, say, 90% of the reading you're assigned. This is not me encouraging you to be lazy, it's me being honest. Not every word of every published article or book is worth reading. The vast majority of them aren't. That doesn't mean the things that those texts are arguing for aren't worth reading, it just means that every stupid rhetorical flourish included by bored academics hoping for job security and/or funding and/or awards isn't worth your precious and scarce time. Make sure you get the main thrust of each text, make sure you pull out and note down one or two case studies and move right the hell on. There will be some authors whose writing will be excellent, and who you will want to read all of. Everything else gets skimmed.

Prioritisation is the other big thing. You're going to have shitty weeks, you're probably going to have lots of them. First off, you're going to need to forgive yourself for those now — everybody has them, yes, even the people who graduated with distinctions and go on to get lovely £100,000 AHRC scholarships. Acknowledge that there will be horrible weeks, accept it now, and then strategise for how to get ahead of them. My personal strategy is to plan out what I'm trying to get out of each course I take, and then focus only on the readings that relate to that topic.

I took a course in Lent term that dealt with race and empire in Britain between 1607 and 1900; I'm a researcher of the Scottish far left from 1968-present, so the overlap wasn't significant. But I decided from the very first day of the course that I was there to get a better grasp about the racial theories of capitalism and the role of racial othering in Britain's subjugation of Ireland. Those things are helpful to me because white supremacist capitalism comes up hourly in my work on the far left, and because the relationship of the Scottish far left to Ireland is extremely important to its self definition. On weeks when I couldn't handle anything else, I just read the texts related to that. And it was fine, I did fine, I got my stupid 2:1 on the final essay, and I came out of it not too burnt out to work on my dissertation.

Here is where I encourage you to learn from my mistakes: get yourself a decent group of people who you can have in depth conversations about the material with. I was an asshole who decided I didn't need to do that with any posh C*mbr*dge twats, and I have now condemned myself to babbling incomprehensible nonsense at my partner because I don't have anyone on my course to work through my ideas with. These degrees are best experienced when they're experienced socially. In recent years (accelerated by the pandemic, ofc), universities have de-emphasised the social component of postgrad work, largely to do with stupid, long-winded stuff related to postgrad union organising etc. It's a real shame because postgrads end up feeling quite socially isolated, and because they're not having these fun and challenging conversations, their work actually suffers in the long term. This is, and I cannot stress this enough, the biggest departure from undergrad. Even the 'weak links' or whatever judgemental nonsense are there because they want to be. That is going to be your biggest asset. Talk, talk, talk. Listen, listen, listen. Offer to proofread people's papers so you get a sense of how people are thinking about things, what sort of style they're writing in, what sources they're referring to. Be a sponge and a copycat (but don't get done for plagiarism, copy like this.) Also: ask questions that seem dumb. For each of your classes, ask your tutors/lecturers who they think the most important names in their discipline are. It sounds silly, but it's really helpful to know the intellectual landscape you're dealing with, and it means you know whose work you can go running to if you get lost or tangled up during essay or dissertation writing!

You should also be really honest about everything — another piece of advice that I didn't follow and am now suffering for. The people on your courses and in your cohort are there for the same reasons as you, have more or less the same qualifications as you, and are probably going to have a lot of the same questions and insecurities as you. If you hear an unfamiliar term being used in a seminar, just speak up and ask about it, because there're going to be loads of other people wondering too. But you should also cultivate quite a transparent relationship with your supervisor. I was really cagey and guarded with mine because my hella imposter syndrome told me she was gonna throw my ass out of the programme if I admitted to my problems. Turns out no, she wouldn't, and that actually she's been a super good advocate for me. If you feel your motivation slipping or if you feel like you're facing challenges you could do with a little extra support on, go right to your supervisor. Not only is that what they're there to do, they've also done this exact experience before and are going to be way more sympathetic and aware of the realities of it than, say, the uni counselling service or whatever.

Yeah so I gotta circle back to the notes thing... I really do not take notes. It's my worst habit. Here's an example of the notes I took for my most recent meeting with my supervisor (revising a chapter draft).

No sane person would ever look at these and think this is a system worth replicating lol. But the reason they work for me is because I also record (with permission) absolutely everything. My mobile is like 90% audio recordings of meetings and seminars lol. So these notes aren't 'good' notes, but they're effective for recalling major points in the audio recording so I can listen to what was said when I need to.

Sorry none of this is remotely organised because it's like 2330 here and my brain is so soft and mushy. I'm literally just writing things as I remember them.

Right, so: theory is a big thing. Lots of people cheap out on this and it's to their own detriment. You say you're doing humanities, and tbh, most of the theory involved on the humanities side of the bridge is interdisciplinary anyways, so I'm just gonna give you some recommendations. The big thing is to read these things and try to apply them to what you're writing about. This sounds so fucking condescending but getting, like, one or two good theoretical frameworks in your papers will actually put you leaps and bounds beyond the students around you and really improve your research when the time comes. Also: don't read any of these recommendations without first watching, like an intro youtube video or listening to a podcast. The purists will tell you that's the wrong way to do it, but I am a lazy person and lazy people always find the efficient ways to do things, so I will tell the purists to go right to hell.

Check out these impenetrable motherfuckers (just one or two will take your work from great to excellent, so don't feel obliged to dig into them all):

Karl Marx and Fredrich Engels (I'm not just pushing my politics, but also, I totally am) — don't fucking read Capital unless you're committed to it. Oh my god don't put yourself through that unless you really have to. Try, like, the 18th Brumaire of Louis Napoleon for the fun quotes, and Engels on the family.

Frantz Fanon — Wretched of the Earth. Black Skin White Masks also good, slightly more impossible to read

Benedict Anderson — Imagined Communities. It's about nationalism, but you will be surprised at how applicable it is to... so many other topics

Judith Butler — she really sucks to read. I love her. But she sucks to read. If you do manage to read her though, your profs will love you because like 90% of the people who say they've read her are lying

Bourdieu — Distinction is good for a lot of things, but especially for introducing the idea of social and cultural capital. There's basically no humanities sub-discipline that can't run for miles on that alone.

Crenshaw — the genesis of intersectionality. But, like, actually read her, not the ingrates who came after her and defanged intersectionality into, like, rainbow bombs dropped over Gaza.

The other thing is that you should read for fun. My programme director was absolutely insistent that we all continue to read for pleasure while we did this degree, not just because it's good for destressing, but because keeping your cultural horizons open actually makes your writing better and more interesting. I literally read LOTR for the first time in, like February, and the difference in my writing and thinking from before and after is tangible, because not only did it give me something fun to think about when I was getting stressy, but it also opened up lots of fun avenues for thought that weren't there before. I read LOTR and wanted to find out more about English Catholics in WWI, and lo and behold something I read about it totally changed how I did my dissertation work. Or, like, a girl on my course who read the Odyssey over Christmas Break and then started asking loads of questions about the role of narrative creation in the archival material she was using. It was seriously such a good edict from our director.

Also, oh my god, if you do nothing else, please take this bit seriously: forgive yourself for the bad days. The pressure in postgrad is fucking unreal. Nobody, nobody is operating at 100% 100% of the time. If you aim for 60% for 80% of the time and only actually achieve 40% for 60% of the time, you will still be doing really fucking well. Don't beat yourself up unnecessarily. Don't make yourself feel bad because you're not churning out publishable material every single day. Some days you just need to lie on the couch, order takeout, and watch 12 hours of Jeopardy or whatever, and I promise you that that is a good and worthwhile thing to do. You don't learn and grow without rest, so forgive yourself for the moments and days of unplanned rest, and forgive yourself for when you don't score as highly as you want to, and forgive yourself when you say stupid things in class or don't do all of (or any of) the class reading.

Uhhhh I think I'm starting to lose the plot a bit now. Honestly, just ping me whatever questions you have and I'm happy to answer them. There's a chance I'll be slower to respond over the next few days because my dissertation is due in a week (holy fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but I will definitely respond. And honestly, no question is too dumb lol. I wish I'd been able to ask someone about things like what citation management software is best or how to set up a desk for maximum efficiency or whatever, but I was a scaredy-cat about it and didn't. So yeah, ask away and I will totally answer.

#asks

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whatexcellentboiledpotatos · 4 years ago

Text

Pride and Prejudice: Modern AU Part I: the invitation

SYNOPSIS: Elisa Benet is in her second year of her master’s degree in creative writing. As a West End actor chooses to visit the university in a scouting project, Charles Bingley, she is invited to a dinner to greet him and brings along her flatmate, Jane. However, what she does not expect, is to become acquainted by F. William Darcy; writer and director of the latest West End sensation.

Word count: 1296

“Eli, have you heard the news!” my flatmate, Lydia, chants as she enters my room.

“Lydia its too early, its barely seven,” I complain. Doesn’t she have the slightest sense of respect for privacy? Do they not teach that in the new curriculum?

“You must remember the play we saw last time in London, the newest West End sensation?” she asks, cheerfully opening all the blinds on my room.

“Sure I do,” I answer as I shield my eyes from the light. “What is so exiting about it?” I swear if its not important I will throw a pillow at her.

My flatmate turns to the door, “Oh! Jane, tell her, tell her!!”

My other flatmate, Jane, stands by the door. Out of my four flatmates, she is the one I am closest to, but at the same time, she’s the shyest of the group.

“Well,” Jane says quietly, “Charles Bingley, the main actor, is to visit our university to deliver a couple seminars, but most importantly to scout for possible talent.”

“Isn’t that so exiting!” Lydia exclaims bubbly. “To meet a proper West End actor! What if he comes to like me? Oh, the easiest way to pay the never ending student debt!”

“You’re probably not meeting him anyways,” Mary comments as she passes by the door with some laundry at hand. Typical Mary, always too pessimistic.

As she goes by, Lydia poked out her tongue.

“Real classy,” I jokes, “a said Charles Bingley will love it.”

I cannot deny the news are exiting, not as if I were ever going to meet that Bingley, but having a kind-of celebrity around made things more cheerful. The past months had been torture, as I prepare my final piece of work for my masters dissertation. I was study creative writing, with the hopes of having a piece published by the end of my masters, but the clock is ticking away. I have almost finished the second year of my program, as I chose part-time so I could handle my finances better. Its all for love towards art, and my favourite part is living with my flatmates. Jane, slightly older than me, graduated in classics the year before and took upon herself to still manage the university theater club, whilst she teaches in a local school and part-timing as a seamstress. We all know her real dream is to do costume design and direct, but sometimes that kind of dream needs to be sustained by connections of name and wealth. Then we have Mary, who is still in undergrad studying music. I don’t remember how we picked her up, but oddly enough, we did. A bit antisocial, and a socially awkward many, we had adopted her as our flatmate from the beginning of our career. Lydia needs no explanation. She is currently starting her new career path, having passed by engineering to then doing drama, to finally ending up doing literature, just like I did. At this point, we don’t even care about what career she ends up in, just that she commits to one before we move out. Lastly, we have Kitty, the youngest. Being our landlady’s foreign niece, her mom thought it would be great to have her move outside problematic halls, and where better to move than with the lovely girls her sister talks so much about?? It sometimes worries me how easily Lydia can influence her, both of them being completely inseparable, but Kitty is a smart girl.

Sometimes I wish Lydia would be that too. Not that I’m ashamed of caring for her, but sometimes, its hard work. For example; waiting for me outside my tutor’s office to inquire after Charles Bingley.

“Mr. B!” I hear her exclaim loudly as my tutor walks me out of his office, “I heard a rumor that a Charles Bingley is around school, looking for talent!”

“Ah, miss Benson! Yes indeed, Mr Bingley will be in school for a couple weeks!” my tutor answers awkwardly. To his misfortune, he happens to have also been placed as Lydia’s tutor. I cannot count how many times he has regretted so in my presence.

“Well you have to introduce us to him!” Lydia comments shamelessly. I pinch her elbow slightly, so she knows she is being too forthcoming.

“I don’t think it will happen miss--”

“Well DoNt YoU LoVE to TorTUre US?” Lydia interrupts dramatically, “its such a shame.”

My tutor sighs, to whatever god: grant me patience, his eyes seem to ask.

“Miss Benson, I am not sure what you want me to do...”

Lydia and our tutor go back and forth about the matter, making me smile, as minutes before, that very same man had given me an invitation to a formal dinner arranged for Charles Bingley. Private, only handpicked students given an invitation. The best part? I was given two. One for me, and one for Jane. It was her shot.

“Lydia is never going to forgive you, you know?” Jane comments as we walk into the building.

“Oh I am sure she won’t,” I say with a smile, “be prepared to be questioned on all the specifics, even at what time Mr Bingley excuses himself to go to the loo.”

We both laugh, handing our tickets to enter the ball. It takes me two seconds to spot one of my best friends chatting with some teachers, Charlotte Lucas. Charlotte and I did our undergrad in the same course, even though we parted ways for our masters degree.

“Jane! Its been so long!,” she welcomes, “both of you are looking very good tonight!”

“Oh, this? Its a humbly made dress by none other than madam Jane Vennat,” I say proudly.

Jane blushes, “you didn’t have to wear it, you know”

I turn towards her, “Jane, if I want to show you off, I WILL show you off.”

Before she can say anything my tutor approaches us, “Oh its so good to see you again, Miss Vennat! From what I have heard the university’s company is doing well!”

“You are very kind sir,” she replies. She stares at me awkwardly, not wanting to have to engage in conversation. I then do what I do best; ask simple things in a confusing manner.

“Well, so has the elephant in the room actually arrived to the room?”

My tutor stares at me blankly.

“Has Bingley arrived?” I say plainly.

“Oh, no,” my tutor says with a smile, “it appears that he is a bit--

He stops talking as three people enter the room.

“aand now he’s here.”

I stare back at Bingley, not being discreet at all. He looks a bit different than when I saw him in West End. For starters, he is not a whole theater away, as the cheapest seats are those of the last rows. He is handsome, but with humble appearance; an odd quality for actors who have made it to where he has.

“Who is the lady beside him?” Jane asks.

“That would be his twin sister, Caroline,” my tutor answers.

She looks a lot like her brother, save the humble appearance. Jane would know better, but the dress she wears is probably a designer one. What a waste of dress to wear for meeting a couple uni students.

Beside them there is a third person. He doesn’t look like he could be another sibling-- he misses the distinguishable reddish hair. In contrast to Charles Bingley, who smiles as he greets anyone in his way, the man looks absolutely disgusted by the scene.

“and who is their miserable friend who looks as if he just smelled the sewer?” I ask jokingly.

“That, miss Bennet, that would be none other than the writer and director of the play you saw: F. William Darcy”

#jane austen #pride and prejudice #joe wright #kiera knightley #period drama #fanfic #modern au #mr darcy #elizabeth bennet #fitzwilliam darcy #pemberley #emma #emmys 2020 #pride and prejudice fanfic #creative writing #west end #lizzy x darcy #lizzy bennet

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theasstour · 5 years ago

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1/? i think that you, baby blue, and the last chapter especially deserve all the praise in the WORLD. so this is gonna be a few asks all at once but i think that you deserve it. i’m someone who has always struggled with body image. i’m not plus sized, but i’m definitely way heavier than what i want, and heavier than the people around me.

2/? i’ve dealt with snotty side comments, people straight up calling me “fat”, and my parents and family members telling me i needed to try and loose weight. i was 10 when my parents first said that shit to me. venus was just a character that expressed how i felt and said things that others were always afraid to. she made me feel that being overweight was fine and that being “fat” doesn’t dictate your beauty or worth. 3/? and even besides venus, who you wrote wonderfully, your writing in general was just beautiful. you made everything lead up to something; everything contributed to the plot. a lot of times you see rushed endings in fanfics but yours was planned out perfectly. you managed to write a novel length book that i never grew tired of. 4/? “‘You represent baby blue to me so here’s your color - you -,” he paused for a second. “Becoming everything.’” i loved the details of the whole exhibit. if you couldn’t tell already, i just love chapter 8 in general. like the first quote, this shows how much she means to him. The baby blue dress was there every time that, in my opinion, it was blatantly obvious he was beginning to fall in love with her. 5/? he associates the color with her and associating something so big in their relationship to HER is so beautiful in the most simplicity of ways. “And why are people so afraid of being fat? Of being called fat? Of being associated with ‘fat’? It’s because we have been taught that fat equals ugly.” the self love in this chapter got to me. 6/? this is everything that i think every plus sized human has been wanting to say but has been afraid to and you put it into words better than anyone else ever could. there’s a ton of more things that i want to say about baby blue but ive already said a shit ton of stuff. anyway, if you haven’t already figured it out, i love baby blue, venus, painter!harry, and your writing. 7/7 even the small details like harry’s pink converse were just perfectly written and idk how else to describe how much i fell in love with this fic. i cant wait to read more books from you! (also, the ending and the house: absolutely perfect. the flashbacks that you added in the eighth chapter also gave me LIFE) i’m not sure if you got all the parts, my internet was screwing up. so if a few things are left out, sorry. hopefully you still got the gist of it all haha

hiya my sweetness, sorry it’s taken me a while to get back to you, but this whole message has meant to much to me and i wanted to get back to your properly!

the part about you saying you’re not plus size, but that you’ve always been struggling with body image nevertheless, i want you to know that you don’t need to be plus size to feel a connection to venus! you don’t need to have a huge tummy or massive thighs etc, if you’ve ever struggled with yoru body in any way and seeing her love herself has helped you in some way, then that’s enough! everyone who has ever struggled with their body, no matter the size, i hope venus has had an impact on you, and i’m so happy to see that she has!

i grew up the same. i know my family wants what’s best for me, but their comments about my body - especially those made by my mum - has stuck with me my entire life. it isn’t till recently that i’ve made it clear that if anyone comments on my body, anyone’s body, their looks, or how they choose to dress, i will have absolutely none of it. i’ve been picked on my entire life and i’m not about to stand around and have people disrespect me and others around me. i hope you’re so much more than those comments. you’re so beautiful, so worth it, so incredible. at the end of the day, whatever you want to be, you are. and they might have their opinions and they might make their remarks, but that’s not who you are. it’s their loss they choose to look past your person and what you are and stand for, for what’s on the outside. fuck them. you’re amazing.

through writing fic for two years now and having read nearly 600 books, i feel like with bb i finally came to a point where absolutely everything i wrote helped the plot along! thank you so much for noticing that and telling me! it seriously means the world to me! i was so careful to plan bb and make sure everything made sense and everything lead to something! that meant so much! thank you!

i’m aware a lot of the people reading would’ve understood me just saying that with each painting harry added more and more baby blue - that you’d understand what that meant -, but i also knew that if my best mate read that - she studies animal science to become a vet (hmm idk where i got venus’ degree from ahsdhs) - she wouldn’t understand! so i had to explain it for everyone who doesn’t see things the same way i, we, do!

i want to thank you for sending this. thank you so so so much. it has meant the entire world to me that other people who has/feel the same way as i do are reading and seeing themselves in bb and venus. i’ve gone back and read these asks so many times and they’ve meant so much to me.

as you probably know - if you’re even reading this lmao it’s been so long since i got these - i’m writing my dissertation on the lack of proper representation in ya and children’s literaure. not that bb is children’s lit lmao, but your response goes to show just how much we need representation in fiction! good and respectful and positive representation! it makes me realise just how important all of this is! all kind of representation! thank you thank you thank you for making me cry and for sending me this. it means so incredibly much to me and will forever. i love you.

#i've literally reread these 7 asks for weeks now and you make me tear up in the bes tway possible #i love you. thank you #answered #bb asks #to keep

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jeannereames · 5 years ago

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Hello, Dr. Reames! I love your work (and am very excited to read your novels very soon!). I am thinking of doing a phd (not history or classics, but maybe sort of related to Alexander) but I'm scared that I'm not going to have the motivation to go through with the whole thing... Do you ever lose motivation and get discouraged when researching/writing and how do you deal with it? I know that this is completely unrelated to Alexander/ancient history so feel free to ignore it☺

Hi, there! This reply is going to be in 3 parts. First, about my own motivation…

I think everybody (even Alexander!) has periods of feeling discouraged. It’s part of being human. This is especially true when something you put days, weeks, or sometimes *years* of effort into doesn’t work out, or isn’t well-received, or comes back with “revise and resubmit.” Ha.

So, real life recent example: About a year and a half ago, I finished an article that took me (literally) 5 years to research and write, because it combined research into two different areas, only one of which is my research area. It took a huge amount of reading, and I’d even presented it at a couple of conferences, where I received good feedback. It was supposed to be published in conference proceedings, but that fell through (not my part of it, the entire publication didn’t happen because the editor quit). So I had to shop it around to journals. It went out to three readers, and all three returned it with “Revise (substantially) and resubmit,” + large *additional* bibliography (mostly not in English) in the area not my field. Two of the readers thought my chief point was valid, but needed more support. (The third just flat disagreed with me, but it’s academia; that happens.) But that was after it had been presented 3xs already, and revised after each.

OTOH, I was pretty discouraged. But OTOH, the suggestions and reading lists were helpful. These are blind reviews, so it wasn’t personal. And the entire point of peer review is to help a book or article improve. Lord knows, nobody wants to put out something that will get you laughed at. But after all the time I’d already spent on it, it was still really discouraging as I’d thought it in pretty good shape.

Almost everybody in academia is going to have an article or three turned down, or a book refused, etc. And after a while, it can be really hard to keep trying. And it’s not just in academia.

Do you know how long it took me to sell Dancing with the Lion? 15 years! I got my first serious query from an agent in 1996. (The first words of the novel were written in December of 1988–that’s how old it is.) That agent eventually decided it wasn’t for her. I’ve had a couple others since…same thing. I’ve sent out probably around 500 queries to agents or publishers. In fact, I’d put the book AWAY and started a completely different trilogy (which I’m in the middle of now), because I figured it would only sell later.

Then I happened to read comments about Madeline Miller’s A Song for Achilles written by an English professor and new acquisitions editor at Riptide. She liked it, but there were a couple of things she really didn’t like. And they were the very ways (I thought) my novel was different. So I emailed her. She asked for sample chapters, then the whole thing, and finally, Riptide offered me a contract. They’re not a major press, they’re a Romance publisher primarily, but they were willing to take a chance on my coming-of-age historical, so I grabbed the opportunity. Now the book is out (well, the first half is), and it’s getting pretty decent reviews.

So persistence can pay off.

That said, if someone else had told me that story 10 years ago, I’d have snorted and said (in my mind), “Maybe it did for you. Maybe I’m just a bad writer and I’ll never succeed.” I’d also just been through a divorce and was having trouble selling my house in the housing bust, etc., etc. So a lot of things in my life were pear-shaped at the time, and that can make it really hard to keep trudging.

The “Dark Night of the Soul” is a real thing, and we all go through it.

The only way I get through it, myself, is to remember things in the past that went well, times I succeeded. Plus, I’m just a really stubborn SOB. Ha.

But discouragement is normal, and there will be points in everybody’s life where not just one or two things are going wrong, but it seems as if EVERYthing is going wrong and you’re just a total failure. You have to believe it’ll get better.

Now, part #2, about motivation to complete a degree. It’s a bit like the AA motto: one day at a time. Or really, one semester at a time. One hurdle at a time. When I first got to Penn State, the long, long road ahead made me freak out a little, but Gene Borza (my advisor) told me to take it in bites. And to remember that other people had made it through; I could, as well.

Also, don’t let yourself get thrown by “Imposter’s Syndrome.” This is the feeling that you don’t belong somewhere: in grad school, in a PhD program, in a department (or really, ANY arena). You’re not as good as the others. Minorities, women, and first-generation college students are those most likely to suffer imposter’s syndrome, but it can hit others too, such as the children of academics (I’ll never measure up to mom/dad), etc.

Last, part #3, and this may seem an odd coda to all the above rah-rah cheerleading. But as a (now former) graduate program chair, I would be terribly remiss if I didn’t put out a warning.

Not only is the field of humanities in trouble right now, in the US and Canada, and elsewhere, too, but the entire university system is changing. This latter is especially true in the US, but I hear rumblings from other places. Partly, this owes to the rise of online education. But even more, it’s what I call the “Wal-martization” of the university, where tenure-track lines are being replaced by a bunch of part-time instructors who have to teach 6 classes just to make enough to EAT. “Adjunct” professors, even those with PhDs, are paid a pittance. It’s absolutely immoral and ridiculous.

Universities are turning into profit more than education, with a degree seen as “job training” instead of learning to think critically and exploring Big Questions, which are increasingly viewed as a waste of time. Administration levels are increasingly bloated with deans, assistant deans, supervisory boards, etc. They’re (mostly) not teaching, but their paycheques are high. Tenured faculty positions are being eliminated. Colleges and unis realized that they could turn over a lot of (especially intro and survey) courses to part-time instructors for a *fraction* of what they paid tenured and tenure-track faculty, but still reap high tuition.

When I was finishing up in the ‘90s, I was teaching as an adjunct while writing my dissertation, then for a bit after, as was expected for “teaching experience” before being hired. The phenomenon of the “Visiting Assistant Professor” (or VAP) was *starting* to gain traction, but was still usually just a year or two until these people would find a tenure-track position (VAP is not tenure-track). But now, I know people who’ve been VAPping for YEARS. And some just give up. Also, adjuncting like what I was doing has gone from “teaching experience for a real job” into “the only lane for employment” for a lot of PhD (and some MA) graduates. Especially women PhDs get caught in that trap.

These are the realities of where we are right now.

And THE MOST USELESS DEGREE ON THE PLANET is a PhD in the humanities. I say that as one who holds it. With a few exceptions, a humanities PhD prepares you for pretty much one job: being a professor. And those jobs are winking out of existence with frightening speed. This is a change that has accelerated over the last 10 years, and especially over the last 5. We’re turning out PhDs with no available positions. Museum studies, Classics, archaeology, philosophy are in even worse shape. SOME history PhDs are more popular. This year, H-Net has a bunch of Latin American positions open, for instance.

An MA in history (or related) is still useful. There are certain jobs that like them, ranging from state jobs like the Park Service to the FBI and CIA.

But a PhD? Think loooooong and hard before investing that time and money. This is not a matter of *you* not being able to do the work to get one. It’s a matter of the university system as we’ve known it crumbling away under our very feet. I have no idea what the American university will look like in 10 years. And once you have a PhD, it educates you out of most other jobs.

So that’s the unfortunate bad news. And I’d be a very irresponsible advisor if I didn’t tell you the truth. IME, people who really want a PhD will ignore me and go after it anyway. But at least you’ll go in with your eyes open.

#encouragement #dealing with discouragement #imposter's syndrome #academia #PhD track #Adjunct Hell #Think twice (and then a third time) about getting a PhD these days #Humanities tenure track jobs are drying up #asks

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coldtomyflash · 6 years ago

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Weird question, and it's perfectly okay if "I don't know" is your answer: How did you manage to do grad school AND finish writing so many good fics? I'm writing the lit review for my dissertation right now, and I want to finish several WIPs I have (if nothing else, just to prove to myself that I can), but it just feels like I can barely do either, much less both. Any advice at all?

Ah, no worries! It’s not that odd a question. Actually, someone’s asked me before ^^; My reply to them at the time was here. No need to read it, but it’s some context?

My reply now that my head is in a healthier place is... long and winding and not actually full of that much advice but eh, I rambled as I do. If you just want the advice, scroll all the way down and it’s there.

For starters, I’m not a normal comparison point. This isn’t to pat myself on the back, but for a variety of reasons, writing is something that comes really naturally to me. I’ll detail those reasons, but before I get into that, the point I’m illustrating here is that... sometimes I think people compare themselves to how much I wrote and what else I accomplished in that time and think “hey cool - that is a function human! Why can’t I do that?” And the answer is short answer is that my brain is programmed for pretty much one thing, and that thing is writing writing, and holy crap I was the opposite of a functional human when writing that much and that quickly.

The long answer is -

I’ve been making up stories literally as long as I can remember. I spent my childhood consuming stories. I taught myself to read and was during school I was consistently reading about 8 grade levels above my reading level, and loved learning about narrative structure. I annoyed the shit out of my older brother by reading the same book series as he read, but guessing plot points that were going to happen either in that book or else 2-3 books out. he didn’t get how I would just know and I’d be like “it’s obvious - that’s where the story has to go!” Because I was imagining it in my head - what i would do with it, where it would go, where it had to go. Closing the page mid0chapter and imagining the next-scene, and then picking back up to see how right or wrong I was.

And I had a best friend for most of my childhood through to early adulthood with whom I made stories. Every weekend, creating narratives together, not writing them down but basically roleplaying them by talking them out (voices and all, it was a heck of a lot of fun, as much as it made me pretty much the nerdiest teen in existence). We tried to write a novel when we were 12, got about 7 chapters in. We had a lot of starts and stops on other stories too.

Which isn’t said to stroke my own ego, it’s said to highlight that I have a metric fuckton of explicit and implicit practice at storytelling. It was and sort of is my “whole life”. I also had teachers that helped me develop storytelling skills, and was really freaking lucky to go to a school with an AP program for English that seriously stretched my ability to write fast. We had to write an essay every single class, during class, and have it finished by the end of class (or in less time if we had lecture stuff to go over too) in my last year of high school. The essays could be creative response (i.e., short stories). I wrote a short story almost every week in the space of an hour when I was 17. By the time I got to the end of year final and actually got to use a computer and type that shit instead of hand-cramping halfway through, I somehow managed to write the two-essay final in the allotted 3 hours and, i shit you not, had a wordcount of 6000 words.

That’s still my record. It was probably a dumpster fire but I got 100% probably for sheer volume.

Anyway that was over a decade ago, but the whole reason this life story is pertinent is because -

I have practice. The only way to improve at anything, to get faster at it, for it to ease, is to practice. Practice at storytelling, practice at having to set a scene using just words sitting in my BFF’s room and trying to describe the image I had in my head for how I wanted her to see the scene as it was playing out. Practice at writing fast and getting feedback on how to write. Practice implicitly at trying to imagine what routes stories can take. Practice taking stories apart and piecing them back together, in my head, all the time.

So that’s part of it.

The other part, and this is what I said in my previous post, was depression. I was seriously fucking burnt out and depressed when I started writing coldflash fic, and grad school took a huge toll on my mental health. It’s easier to write when you’re doing it to procrastinate working on your dissertation, and easier to keep writing when you get positive feedback and it feeds those lovely dopamine gremlins in your brain who aren’t getting any positive validation from grad school because holy damn that shit is hard.

I had no balance in my life for a long time. It wasn’t good. I went to counselling. I got more balance. Fic slowed down. Still finished, but not 120k words in 3 months (that was the pace when I started fic writing...jfc I don’t know how I managed.) Life got harder. Fic was now harder to write. I got more counselling. Fic was easier to write. I moved around the world. Fic got harder to write. I started anti-depressants. Narratives now seem to be flowing again.

Regardless of the state of my mental health though, I’ve never written as much as quickly as I did during the middle of grad school. And I think that’s because I was very narratively pent up when I started writing fic. I had been so busy and pushing myself so damn hard in grad school that I didn’t make almost any time for stories, for fic, for imagining my own stories. I was suppressing that side of myself in the service of Focus. So when I burnt out, my narrative side rebounded and said “fuck that noise, I still exist, and we’re making space for me”. It took over. I came literally a hair’s breadth from quitting my PhD post candidacy. Idk what type of program you’re in, but business schools in North America? It’s a 5 year PhD typically, and I was at the end of year 3 and eyeing the door.

Anyway - I say all that because -

I am not a good example and you should not do what I did. Finishing that many long WIPs that quickly wasn’t healthy, and was only possible because I didn’t do much else at the time, and had a lifetime of practice and a narrative rebound to make it even possible.

But -

My actual advice?

1) Practice. Practice. Practice.

Not all at once, but everything counts. Daydreaming counts. Watching shows and thinking of how they could be improved counts. Talking out story ideas with friends counts. Just make it fun. Practice is something we think of as arduous and annoying. Learning new words is practice. Meeting new people and considering their traits is practice. Everything can be practice for writing. All the research you do can be practice for writing. (Random note: a childhood coping mechanism for anxiety that I had was to narrate what I was doing to myself in my head in the 3rd person. Like telling a story of myself walking to gym class in my own head. That was also practice.)

2) Have fun with it!

Don’t making writing an obligation. Then it’s another thing on the list of things you avoid. Finishing stories often feels like an obligation. I’m going through this right now with Needs Must. It can be hard to complete a WIP because you start to have internal anxieties about disappointing readers, not living up to expectations, exhaustion from that narrative, distraction / temporary loss of interest (which is normal! and not actually a bad thing!). All of that then makes you feel guilty, which makes it impossible to get into a creative space to write. You can’t work on the thing you’re avoiding.

3) It’s okay to give your WIPs breathing space.

When you hit a wall, you may need to set it aside and read it again in a month with fresh eyes. You may need to treat your story like someone else’s story. That’s, again, literally where I’m at right now with Needs Must. I just reread a bunch of it and hadn’t really forgotten the details but once they’re on the page they’re out of my head, and so taking some time before going back to reread it made it easier for me to think of like I think of every other story: “what would I do next with this? Oh that’s a twist, that needs to come back later. There’s a theme here, we’ve seen that three times. What’s the best ending I, as a reader now, can imagine for this?”

If avoidance, guilt, and/or writer’s block aren’t your issue, and it’s literally just down to time management -

4) Your graduate degree is more important than your WIPs.

Your WIPs aren’t going anywhere, they don’t have a deadline, and your readers will wait for you, and new ones will find you. Time management is an essential, awful, part of being an academic.

I get more done, both at work and creatively on fic, when I’m just a bit too busy, but that’s me. Figure out what is optimal for you, and do it. When do you get the most writing done? When you’re relieved? When you’re anxious? Late at night? First thing in the morning? When does it flow? When won’t it ruin your graduate career?

(Seriously I was writing fic at work last week and was kicking myself. I don’t have time for that shit! Set boundaries on your time!)

But full serious here, graduate school is exhausting, and almost inherently de-motivating, and even the best damn students eye the door a lot of the time, even if they do finish. It’s stressful and you feel constantly powerless. It’s a lot to need to cope with. I found writing to be a way to cope. That lit review you’re working on? Yeah, it’s zapping your time and energy. That’s normal (unfortunately). And it’s good to give yourself breaks from that to write. Don’t feel guilty for taking time here and there for yourself - to write, or to not write. To relax, unplug, unwind. To close your eyes and daydream (if you’re me) or have a bubble bath (if you’re my sister), or do whatever helps you honestly, genuinely destress. The best thing you can do for both writing and for graduate school is to take breaks and take time for yourself. There is actual science on the importance of breaks, and academics are fucking notorious for putting too much pressure on themselves to actually relax.

5) If you’re burnt out and/or depressed - seek help!

Most universities have resources for mental health! Talk to a doctor! Don’t put too much stress and pressure on yourself! Almost half of grad students are mentally ill at some point!

6) Talk out your stories with friends!

I know I already said this under “practice” but having a fandom friend to bounce ideas with and cheer you on is amazing and essentially. I was in constant contact with Bealeciphers when I started writing, and now I have a different friend who’s helped me the past couple years with writing and developing my stories. Mostly they cheer me on, and when I’m stuck, I tell them where the story is going and what I need help with. But honestly, writing doesn’t need to happen in a vacuum and doesn’t need to be you hunched over a laptop in the dark all alone and staring blankly at a screen (I’m definitely not projecting here, no siree). It’s amazing how motivating it is and how much it can help you stay on track to check in regularly with other writing friends!

7) Pick your battles.

You say you have a... couple(?) of WIPs? How many are you juggling? Is it too many? Do you need to set one (or two??) aside? When my steam was slowly and AATJS and Tumbling Together started to feel like a chore, I set TT aside and took a month break from AATJS then dived right back into AATJS (with the help of the friend mentioned above, cheering me on) because I knew it would be the harder one to finish, and the one that I feared I’d never finish if I put it aside too long. I tackled the biggest hurdle first. If that’s the type of thing for you, I recommend it. Pick the story that’s either the most or least likely to get finished, and focus your energy there.

Another battle-picking thing here? It’s okay to outsource. I’m terrible for not using a proofreader beta. It’s a weird control thing, despite the fact that I love people pointing out typos in my works so I can freaking fix them. The point here is: don’t be like me. If you suck at finding your own typos, use a beta or proofreader. My writer friend who helps me helps when I get stuck. I help them when they need feedback on specific scenes and tones, and I’ve recently discovered they hate editing (I love editing) so this entertains me to no end. Just - you don’t have to do it all yourself. If you feel like you do, see points 5 and 6 again.

Aaaannnddd that’s that. Whew. I just spent... wow, too long on this. I spent as much time on this as I did on my own grad student’s lit review I was providing feedback on today ^^; #whoops

#redhead vs. writing #long post #long post for ts #phyn rambles #writing advice #depression tw #ask to tag #Anonymous

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itsokaybigcat-blog · 6 years ago

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How to do a step-by-step TCC from the suitable and simple way?

If you got here it's because you're in one of these situations: one. Have you been acquiring difficulties commencing your TCC? two. Tend not to know how to try and do a TCC? three. Never even know wherever to start? four. Have you been desperate because time is running out and also you have not even begun to do your TCC? Will not get worried, here we are going to give you the reply of tips on how to do a step by phase TCC while in the accurate and useful way ...

Now tell me if it is not accurate ... Students are terrified just before they even enter university with phrases this kind of as "It's simpler to acquire into university than to have from college" or "Just wait until eventually you should do your TCC, then you will see what's very good to get a cough." And when it comes time for you to do the operate of completion certainly, we previously visualize the weekends that we'll should devote ourselves carrying out the well-known get the job done. An excellent time with no holidays and devoid of sayinginha with pals. All this to get ready to complete the task in time and not disapprove by the examining board of operates. But realize that you'll find people that are industry experts in executing the ideal quality TCC jobs and inside a record time! Magnificent and special performs in the marketplace! And they are prepared to assist you, so you do not waste a lot time with this renowned function!

But immediately after all, what's TCC? For some it may seem to be like a trivial query, but I believe that many of you've these issues or request these inquiries: "Professor, I am planning to do a monograph rather than a TCC, is it possible to support me?" Or "Instead of performing a TCC, I can. make a scientific short article? ". TCC could be a scientific write-up, monograph, analysis report, literature assessment write-up, among many other items. TCC is really a term that means "completion work" and will be many jobs, always building use of ABNT specifications. What will ascertain the type of function you might do is your university. TCC is an academic get the job done of obligatory character and instrument of ultimate evaluation of a larger training. It's elaborated as a dissertation, aiming at the initiation and involvement with the undergraduate student within the field of scientific research.

TCC Guidelines - Program Completion Perform To learn if your TCC undertaking will probably be a monograph, scientific post or other, visit your program coordinator or mentor to understand and receive the guidelines. Based around the university you examine, the work is usually finished individually or inside a group and may additionally possess a different title compared to the TCC (but ultimately TCC anyway).

Ways to do a TCC - Everything you shouldn't do Quite a few college students are mistaken during the execution in the TCC task, and many counselors, who are too hectic guiding numerous college students, say they need to start using the theoretical framework. Other students, not being aware of substantially to perform, go straight to the introduction - which seems to be acceptable - or presently get started with all the summary - that's 1 in the last things to be done. But initial of all, what really should be finished initially is definitely the fundamental construction of TCC, needless to say, when you finally have selected the theme. But the largest error of all is something that a lot of college students ignore, considering the fact that it really is a customized because college, to deal with the project as a little something done only to disrupt the existence of school college students and make it challenging to depart college. Nevertheless, a lot of college students get their initially task or begin a small business using the idea formulated inside a TCC. It could be tricky to determine but doing the pondering as an opportunity rather than a punishment will considerably facilitate its creation.

The way to do a TCC? - The step by step of results Now you can understand why the completion operate just isn't a seven-headed beast. Just and immediately, you'll understand how to complete a TCC without complications and can not be lost any additional. The TCC undertaking is divided into 3 parts: • Introduction, • Development • Conclusion. We will make clear each of them, which means you will not get in any doubt. But before you decide to get the career carried out, there's one particular stage you will need to get before you decide to start off: Pick out Theme.

The way to select the theme of the TCC To pick a correct and acceptable theme, answer these 3 concerns: one. Do you just like the subject? This question is extremely important! Very well, visualize that you will discover many hrs committed to this function, so in case you tend not to such as the theme, the chances of you giving up is going to be high ... Lots of students choose a theme for seeming less complicated but regret bitterly afterwards. 2. Is there adequate content around the subject? Keep away from extremely unique themes, or at least investigate prior to deciding to commence! For, it can be important you discover fantastic theoretical references to assist inside the procedure. So as soon as you have set a theme you like, search for it promptly and see everything you can locate. Consideration: it's not to do the analysis of the theoretical reference now, it truly is simply to consider a swift look to know when you've got content around the subject.

3. Could be the subject appropriate at the academic degree?

The question is, does the theme you choose have any relevance to others? Somehow, will your investigation enable anyone? It is not as well broad, what can make it insignificant? Be cautious about asking for thematic support for others. You can get more misplaced than you previously are and many on the themes won't be to your liking, that will more lengthen your procrastination time. Take some time to read concerning the subject which will be the subject of one's TCC, strategies of method to work (technical books help) and don't fail to possess accessibility to other excellent perform of completion obviously of the university.

How to do a step-by-step TCC - Fundamental framework of TCC TCC is composed of 3 aspects: introduction, improvement and conclusion. Nonetheless, prior to creating these 3 items, it is necessary to define: Primary Structure of TCC: • Theme • investigate issue, • common and distinct goal

Thus, following defining the theme, we proceed to the following steps:

Search trouble Within this part of your TCC project you define through which place within the theme you intend to act. One example is, if it really is a law, your study difficulty could be: precisely what is the applicability of this law? Or how powerful is this law? Or what are the results of this law? This component of the framework of one's program completion operate is of utmost significance mainly because your task isn't finished around your Theme, but about the established Research Issue.

General aim Defined the Analysis Challenge your overall aim will likely be precisely the investigate challenge, on the other hand, devoid of the questioning and including a verb on the beginning in the sentence. Such as: analyze the effects of this law.

Unique goals

The particular objectives would be the separation into components of what needs to be accomplished to attain the general goal. One example is, the standard goal may be the applicability from the law. Thus, the certain goals might be: conceptualization with the law, traits of the law, goals from the law, applicability with the law. The basic construction of TCC is the commencing level of any undertaking, from which you will be capable to perform the whole TCC.

Introduction of your TCC project In the introduction you must specify: • What on earth is the operate, • What on earth is your intention with do the job and • Mainly because your investigate is very important. Whatever you may have defined while in the fundamental construction of TCC you might now use in your introduction. Which can be divided into seven parts:

• Contextualization: Introduce your theme. • Justified: Inform the relevance on the chosen theme, what the affect on the theme is. • Investigate Trouble: Put the analysis difficulty which you defined and describe it briefly. • Basic Aim: Compose your common goal and describe it briefly. • Precise Goals: Set particular goals. • Doing work Methodology: How did you do your exploration? It really is in essence describing how you did your study. The important factors here are: o Nature of your study (exploratory, descriptive, explanatory), Main sources of investigate (speaking to people today, interviewing) and Secondary sources of analysis (go through books, articles), Qualitative or quantitative effects and o How the analysis worked (description from the measures of conducting the analysis).

• Chapter Framework: In this part you need to location just about every chapter that may be within your TCC and also a brief description of what are going to be handled in each chapter. Every specific objective is really a chapter.

Course Completion Workbook Script The following phase in the way to do a step-by-step TCC would be to assemble the script on the construction of one's chapters.

Each chapter in your TCC will probably be separated into three or four smaller sized topics. During the exact same way when you did whenever you separated by components your overall purpose to produce precise aims. Now, the entire basis of the venture is done and you also can Last but not least go for theoretical referential exploration. TIP 1: When looking for content articles, books, journals to the topic you've got picked, see bibliographical references, note down and analyze how many distinctive websites they repeat. The a lot more you repeat, the more important that bibliographic reference is always to you. TIP two: When researching, read and separate the vital factors for yourself, following the chapter script you've already designed. To avoid future challenges like: "I remember studying about this somewhere, but exactly where did it go?"

The specific trick to undertaking a stage by stage TCC note thousand! Here we by now know what is TCC, we by now have a theme, we have now previously defined do the job research and general and distinct objectives. We have now currently done the introduction, the chapters script and lastly the investigate of your theoretical reference. With all this established, the whole basis of TCC is by now performed. Now you might see how greatest to accomplish a TCC.

Monografis - Software that aids make a TCC speedily and efficiently! Monografis is software program that assists inside your TCC from beginning to end in the block system. It is rather uncomplicated to make use of and leaves your get the job done from the perfect thousand note format! And why does it remedy your ABNT standards challenge with all the click of the button? Simply because right after you have written your TCC, with the click of a button in the program, it is possible to move your full get the job done into Word to the completely formatted and structured ABNT standards. But what students like most about Monografis is the fact that this software package saves lots of time from the execution of TCC phase by stage, assisting in each and every process:

https://seaxsunset.tumblr.com/post/180167751316/what-exactly-is-tcc-tips-on-how-to-do-a-tcc-phase

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pretty-fuckiing-blog · 6 years ago

Text

Ways to do a step-by-step TCC in the appropriate and easy way?

If you got here it's because you're in one of these situations: 1. Are you currently acquiring difficulty starting up your TCC? two. Never understand how to complete a TCC? three. Never even know wherever to begin? 4. Are you desperate because time is working out and you haven't even begun to carry out your TCC? Usually do not fear, right here we'll offer you the reply of the way to do a phase by stage TCC inside the accurate and sensible way ...

Now inform me if it really is not real ... Students are terrified prior to they even enter school with phrases this kind of as "It's much easier to acquire into college than to have from college" or "Just wait until finally you must do your TCC, then you may see what is fantastic for a cough." And when it comes time for you to do the do the job of completion obviously, we already imagine the weekends that we will really need to dedicate ourselves performing the renowned operate. An excellent time devoid of holidays and with no sayinginha with friends. All this to become able to finish the venture in time rather than disapprove by the examining board of performs. But are aware that you can find individuals who are authorities in executing the very best high quality TCC jobs and inside a record time! Spectacular and one of a kind functions out there! And they are prepared that can assist you, so you will not waste so much time with this particular famed do the job!

But soon after all, what's TCC? For some it may seem to be like a trivial query, but I think that many of you've these concerns or request these queries: "Professor, I'm likely to do a monograph rather than a TCC, are you able to assist me?" Or "Instead of undertaking a TCC, I can. create a scientific write-up? ". TCC might be a scientific report, monograph, investigate report, literature review posting, among several other factors. TCC is often a phrase that means "completion work" and can be many jobs, constantly creating utilization of ABNT specifications. What will determine the type of get the job done you may do is your university. TCC is surely an academic get the job done of obligatory character and instrument of ultimate evaluation of the larger schooling. It's elaborated as being a dissertation, aiming at the initiation and involvement of your undergraduate pupil from the area of scientific investigation.

TCC Principles - Program Completion Operate To discover in case your TCC task will be a monograph, scientific post or other, visit your program coordinator or mentor to know and get the guidelines. Based about the university you review, the get the job done could be performed individually or inside a group and may additionally have a different identify than the TCC (but in the long run TCC anyway).

How you can do a TCC - What you should not do Quite a few college students are mistaken within the execution of the TCC project, and many counselors, who are as well active guiding numerous students, say they have to begin using the theoretical framework. Other college students, not knowing much to carry out, go straight for the introduction - which seems to be acceptable - or previously begin using the summary - that is a single on the last points to be finished. But first of all, what must be finished 1st may be the basic structure of TCC, of course, once you have chosen the theme. However the biggest blunder of all is one thing that a lot of students disregard, given that it is a custom given that college, to deal with the undertaking as a little something done only to disrupt the lifestyle of university college students and make it hard to depart college. Even so, several students get their initially task or start off a company together with the idea developed in a TCC. It could be difficult to figure out but carrying out the pondering as an opportunity instead of a punishment will tremendously facilitate its creation.

How you can do a TCC? - The stage by step of success Now you are going to understand why the completion operate will not be a seven-headed beast. Simply just and immediately, you are going to know how to perform a TCC without having issues and will not be lost any far more. The TCC venture is divided into three elements: • Introduction, • Development • Conclusion. We'll explain every of them, so you tend not to get in any doubt. But before you get the career carried out, there is a single step it's essential to consider prior to deciding to get started: Opt for Theme.

Tips on how to choose the theme of the TCC To select a accurate and acceptable theme, response these three queries: 1. Do you such as the topic? This query is quite vital! Very well, envision that there are actually several hours committed to this perform, so when you will not just like the theme, the odds of you offering up will be high ... A lot of college students choose a theme for seeming much easier but regret bitterly afterwards. 2. Is there adequate written content within the subject? Avoid exceptionally precise themes, or a minimum of investigate prior to deciding to begin! For, it truly is critical that you just uncover fantastic theoretical references to aid inside the procedure. So once you have set a theme you like, search for it immediately and see everything you can locate. Consideration: it is not to do the analysis from the theoretical reference now, it's simply to get a quick appear to understand when you've got written content to the topic.

3. Is definitely the topic relevant on the academic degree?

The question is, does the theme you decide on have any relevance to other people? Somehow, will your research assistance everyone? It is actually not as well broad, what can make it insignificant? Be careful about asking for thematic assist for others. You may get a lot more lost than you by now are and lots of on the themes is not going to be for your liking, which can additional lengthen your procrastination time. Take a while to study with regards to the subject that will be the topic of your TCC, procedures of approach to perform (technical books assistance) and don't fail to get accessibility to other fantastic work of completion needless to say of one's university.

Tips on how to do a step-by-step TCC - Fundamental framework of TCC TCC is composed of 3 aspects: introduction, improvement and conclusion. However, just before writing these 3 products, it really is necessary to define: Fundamental Structure of TCC: • Theme • investigation problem, • common and specific aim

Consequently, immediately after defining the theme, we proceed on the following measures:

Search challenge In this element of the TCC task you define in which area within the theme you intend to act. One example is, if it is actually a law, your study problem might be: what is the applicability of this law? Or how successful is this law? Or what are the results of this law? This element with the framework of your course completion do the job is of utmost importance simply because your undertaking isn't performed all-around your Theme, but about the established Investigate Difficulty.

General aim Defined the Study Difficulty your overall purpose is going to be exactly the study difficulty, nevertheless, without the questioning and including a verb at the beginning of your sentence. One example is: analyze the results of this law.

Distinct goals

The distinct goals will be the separation into elements of what must be carried out to accomplish the general intention. Such as, the general objective would be the applicability of your law. For that reason, the specific goals is usually: conceptualization of the law, characteristics of your law, goals on the law, applicability of the law. The basic framework of TCC may be the starting up stage of any task, from which you can manage to perform the entire TCC.

Introduction from the TCC project While in the introduction you must specify: • Precisely what is the work, • What is your intention with function and • Simply because your research is significant. No matter what you may have defined while in the basic structure of TCC you might now use within your introduction. That will be divided into 7 components:

• Contextualization: Introduce your theme. • Justified: Inform the relevance with the selected theme, what the effect from the theme is. • Investigation Dilemma: Put the research trouble that you simply defined and explain it briefly. • Basic Goal: Write your general goal and describe it briefly. • Particular Goals: Set precise goals. • Operating Methodology: How did you do your analysis? It really is mainly describing the way you did your study. The crucial points right here are: o Nature of the research (exploratory, descriptive, explanatory), Principal sources of research (speaking to people today, interviewing) and Secondary sources of study (read books, posts), Qualitative or quantitative success and o How the investigate worked (description in the steps of conducting the study).

• Chapter Structure: Within this section you'll want to place every chapter that may be within your TCC and a quick description of what will probably be handled in each chapter. Every particular aim is usually a chapter.

Program Completion Workbook Script The following phase in how you can do a step-by-step TCC should be to assemble the script on the structure of one's chapters.

Each chapter within your TCC is going to be separated into 3 or 4 smaller subjects. Within the very same way while you did any time you separated by components your general goal to make certain goals. Now, the whole basis of one's project is done so you can Eventually go for theoretical referential exploration. TIP one: When looking for articles, books, journals around the subject you might have chosen, see bibliographical references, note down and analyze the number of diverse web pages they repeat. The additional you repeat, the far more important that bibliographic reference would be to you. TIP 2: When researching, go through and separate the crucial factors for on your own, following the chapter script you have got previously made. To avoid long term problems like: "I recall reading about it someplace, but wherever did it go?"

The exclusive trick to undertaking a stage by phase TCC note thousand! Right here we by now know what is TCC, we currently have a theme, we've got already defined get the job done research and general and distinct goals. We now have already done the introduction, the chapters script and lastly the investigate of the theoretical reference. With all this established, the whole foundation of TCC is previously performed. Now you might see how most effective to accomplish a TCC.

Monografis - Software that aids make a TCC speedily and efficiently! Monografis is software that helps with your TCC from starting to end within a block technique. It really is very simple to make use of and leaves your perform inside the best thousand note format! And why does it remedy your ABNT standards challenge using the click of a button? Mainly because following you've written your TCC, together with the click of a button from the application, it is possible to move your comprehensive perform into Word to the wholly formatted and structured ABNT standards. But what college students like most about Monografis is this application saves a whole lot of time from the execution of TCC stage by phase, assisting in each and every process:

https://harrysmumbledphrases.tumblr.com/post/179755602612/what-is-tcc-the-best-way-to-do-a-tcc-phase-by

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lostchemistry-blog1 · 6 years ago

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What's TCC, the best way to do a TCC Stage by Stage - Master it right here!

How you can do a step-by-step TCC within the proper and easy way? If you got here it's because you're in one of these situations: one. Are you currently acquiring difficulty starting your TCC? 2. Tend not to understand how to try and do a TCC? three. Will not even know the place to start out? 4. Have you been desperate simply because time is operating out and you have not even begun to accomplish your TCC? Do not stress, here we'll supply you with the solution of tips on how to do a stage by phase TCC inside the correct and practical way ...

Now tell me if it truly is not genuine ... Students are terrified just before they even enter university with phrases this kind of as "It's simpler to have into university than to obtain out of college" or "Just wait right up until you have to do your TCC, then you'll see what is good to get a cough." And when it comes time for you to do the get the job done of completion needless to say, we already think about the weekends that we are going to should devote ourselves undertaking the famed perform. A fantastic time with out holidays and devoid of sayinginha with friends. All this to become able to complete the task in time and not disapprove by the examining board of operates. But know that you will discover folks who are authorities in undertaking the most beneficial good quality TCC jobs and within a record time! Spectacular and unique operates on the market! And so they are willing that will help you, so that you don't waste so much time with this particular well known perform!

But immediately after all, what on earth is TCC? For some it might appear like a trivial query, but I feel that many of you may have these concerns or inquire these questions: "Professor, I'm gonna do a monograph rather than a TCC, are you able to assistance me?" Or "Instead of carrying out a TCC, I can. create a scientific post? ". TCC is often a scientific write-up, monograph, investigate report, literature overview short article, amongst a lot of other points. TCC is usually a phrase meaning "completion work" and might be many jobs, always generating utilization of ABNT specifications. What will identify the kind of function you might do is your university. TCC is an academic perform of obligatory character and instrument of ultimate evaluation of the increased training. It really is elaborated as a dissertation, aiming on the initiation and involvement in the undergraduate pupil in the area of scientific exploration.

TCC Rules - Course Completion Perform To discover in case your TCC project will probably be a monograph, scientific post or other, visit your program coordinator or mentor to know and obtain the guidelines. Depending about the university you study, the do the job is often accomplished individually or in a group and can also possess a distinct identify than the TCC (but ultimately TCC anyway).

How you can do a TCC - What you should not do Many college students are mistaken within the execution on the TCC undertaking, and many counselors, who're as well hectic guiding numerous students, say they should start off together with the theoretical framework. Other students, not recognizing much to perform, go straight for the introduction - which seems to be acceptable - or currently commence with the summary - that's one particular in the last points to get performed. But initially of all, what needs to be carried out 1st may be the basic structure of TCC, certainly, after you have selected the theme. However the biggest mistake of all is something that numerous college students disregard, since it is actually a customized considering the fact that school, to deal with the undertaking as anything completed only to disrupt the life of university college students and make it difficult to depart school. However, several students get their very first work or get started a enterprise together with the plan developed inside a TCC. It may be challenging to figure out but accomplishing the pondering as a chance as an alternative to a punishment will drastically facilitate its creation.

Tips on how to do a TCC? - The step by phase of achievement Now you may recognize why the completion perform is not a seven-headed beast. Merely and rapidly, you will understand how to carry out a TCC without the need of complications and can not be misplaced any much more. The TCC project is divided into three components: • Introduction, • Development • Conclusion. We will clarify each of them, so that you don't get in any doubt. But before you decide to get the job done, there is certainly a single phase you will need to take before you commence: Pick out Theme.

Tips on how to select the theme of your TCC To decide on a correct and acceptable theme, response these 3 issues: 1. Do you such as the topic? This question is very important! Effectively, visualize that you'll find a lot of hours focused to this do the job, so should you usually do not such as the theme, the likelihood of you giving up will be higher ... Many college students choose a theme for seeming a lot easier but regret bitterly afterwards. two. Is there adequate material to the topic? Avoid very unique themes, or at the least investigate prior to deciding to start off! For, it is actually essential which you locate good theoretical references to assist during the procedure. So after you have set a theme you like, hunt for it promptly and see what you can find. Interest: it is actually to not do the research with the theoretical reference now, it truly is simply to take a fast search to learn if you have information on the subject.

3. Will be the topic relevant with the academic degree?

The question is, does the theme you decide on have any relevance to other people? By some means, will your investigate assist any person? It's not also broad, what tends to make it insignificant? Be careful about asking for thematic help for others. You may get extra misplaced than you currently are and lots of with the themes will not be for your liking, which will further lengthen your procrastination time. Get some time to study concerning the subject which will be the subject of the TCC, methods of strategy to function (technical books help) and don't fail to possess entry to other fantastic get the job done of completion not surprisingly of your university.

Ways to do a step-by-step TCC - Basic framework of TCC TCC is composed of 3 elements: introduction, development and conclusion. Nevertheless, ahead of creating these 3 goods, it really is essential to define: Essential Construction of TCC: • Theme • research dilemma, • standard and precise goal

For that reason, immediately after defining the theme, we proceed towards the following techniques:

Search difficulty In this part of your TCC project you define during which location inside the theme you intend to act. One example is, if it can be a law, your research trouble may possibly be: what is the applicability of this law? Or how effective is this law? Or what are the results of this law? This part on the structure of one's program completion do the job is of utmost value due to the fact your project is not really completed all-around your Theme, but all-around the established Investigation Trouble.

Standard objective Defined the Investigation Issue your total aim might be exactly the exploration challenge, nevertheless, with no the questioning and adding a verb on the beginning from the sentence. By way of example: analyze the results of this law.

Particular objectives

The unique objectives will be the separation into elements of what must be carried out to achieve the overall goal. One example is, the basic goal is definitely the applicability on the law. As a result, the unique goals may be: conceptualization from the law, traits with the law, objectives with the law, applicability on the law. The basic construction of TCC is definitely the starting level of any task, from which you are going to have the ability to carry out the whole TCC.

Introduction with the TCC venture In the introduction you need to specify: • What on earth is the perform, • What exactly is your intention with function and • Because your investigate is essential. What ever you might have defined from the fundamental structure of TCC you are going to now use with your introduction. That will be divided into 7 components:

• Contextualization: Introduce your theme. • Justified: Tell the relevance with the selected theme, what the impact from the theme is. • Analysis Trouble: Put the research trouble that you simply defined and make clear it briefly. • Common Objective: Publish your common objective and make clear it briefly. • Certain Objectives: Set distinct goals. • Doing work Methodology: How did you do your investigation? It is basically describing how you did your analysis. The significant factors here are: o Nature of your investigate (exploratory, descriptive, explanatory), Major sources of analysis (speaking to persons, interviewing) and Secondary sources of investigation (read through books, posts), Qualitative or quantitative results and o How the research worked (description of your measures of conducting the investigation).

• Chapter Construction: On this part you ought to location each and every chapter that could be inside your TCC and a quick description of what will probably be handled in each and every chapter. Each specific aim is actually a chapter.

Program Completion Workbook Script The next phase in how you can do a step-by-step TCC is always to assemble the script in the framework of one's chapters.

Every single chapter in the TCC is going to be separated into three or 4 smaller topics. From the identical way when you did when you separated by components your overall aim for making distinct objectives. Now, the whole basis of the project is carried out and you also can Ultimately go for theoretical referential analysis. TIP 1: When hunting for articles or blog posts, books, journals over the subject you have got chosen, see bibliographical references, note down and analyze the number of diverse web sites they repeat. The additional you repeat, the additional critical that bibliographic reference is to you. TIP 2: When studying, study and separate the vital points for on your own, following the chapter script you might have presently developed. To prevent long term problems like: "I keep in mind reading about this someplace, but the place did it go?"

The specific trick to doing a phase by stage TCC note thousand! Here we currently know what is TCC, we by now possess a theme, we now have presently defined perform investigate and basic and specific goals. We've by now carried out the introduction, the chapters script and lastly the investigation on the theoretical reference. With all this established, the entire foundation of TCC is previously finished. Now you will see how best to try and do a TCC.

Monografis - Software program that helps create a TCC quickly and correctly! Monografis is application that assists within your TCC from beginning to finish inside a block system. It is quite uncomplicated to implement and leaves your operate inside the fantastic thousand note format! And why does it resolve your ABNT specifications problem using the click of the button? Simply because immediately after you have written your TCC, using the click of the button from the software program, you'll be able to move your finish perform into Word into the absolutely formatted and structured ABNT specifications. But what college students like most about Monografis is that this computer software saves quite a bit of time from the execution of TCC stage by step, helping in just about every process:

Como fazer um TCC passo a passo

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the-numbers-game · 6 years ago

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I'm probably not gonna make much sense... as this is yet ANOTHER ramble. World MH day is almost gone here in Scotland. It probably will be after midnight by the time I post this.

I should be writing my dissertation proposal due on Friday, that I told my tutor I would probably submit early, back in the summer and now I'm struggling to write a basic plan about a political party I love because I am 1) a procrastinator 2) stupider than I was 4 years ago ((my last year of high school)) and 3) weirdly sad.

Mental health is this mad, mad subject. I'm okay. I really am. But at the same time, I'm still an anxious fuck. Since leaving my old job that I had a pure love-hate relationship with, as I've posted about before, a lot of unnecessary anxiety has left me. No dread about public transport. No customers coming to tell at me. None of the "other" stuff. I dont feel physically sick and have to take a day off. I'm mostly glad to see the back of it but I'm sad I left a job where I knew what I was doing and was good at (most of the time, sometimes a co-worker or a manager made me EXTRA anxious and made me question my competence). Minus the customers, I constantly provided a good level of service. However, my engagement with customers and giving them a "real", full on servic was rather staggered. When I worked at my first store, I was constantly buzzing and was that annoying(tm) sales assistant. When I tranferred and after my mum died, I just didn't have the energy. After some time off for MH recovery and a really lovely pep talk from my manager at the time (the type of thing youd hear in a movie - no lie) I was back into it - for a while, at least. From then, it fizzed up and down. We're going off topic now. Maybe I'll leave that for another post. Anyway, back to the point. Major workplace anxiety left me. In my new job, I feel somewhat refreshed. Like a weight has been lifted off me.

That's not to say I'm not anxious. I've forgotten how to talk to people. I talk to my team, but I'm not really connecting with anyone. I talk to people, and there's a few I get on with - but nobody is a friend. Two have me on Linkedin but nobody has me on Facebook, nobody asks me to join them at lunch. I find it difficult when I'm doing tasks around the office to talk and ask questions to people in other teams - presumably a confidence issue, perhaps because of the entitlement of some of my previous co-workers. I'm worried people think I'm rude. I feel like I make silly mistakes and ask people the same very minor questions all the time. I know that's normal because I'm new, but I'm just finding it hard to have that connection so many people have naturally. Don't get me wrong, the work I'm doing is pretty basic and the experience is soooo valuable but my confidence isnt there.

Uni is another issue. I thought, entering fourth year, I would be disciplined and be able to study because my degree relies on it. Working three days a week on my "off" days from uni and having a full weekend to myself made me feel motivated. But I'm struggling. I wasn't feeling too bad about everything until Sunday night when I started to feel a little anxious. And then I had an intense seminar on Monday, followed by another one on Tuesday, with the same tutor. I think I'll get there but I worry about my future if I don't.

My future. Fuck. I keep putting off applying for vacation schemes and training contracts and attending open days and insight evenings and volunteering and everything else. I dont feel rounded. I can't answer the questions on the applications because even though I've got experience in committees and I've been working 15+(now 22+) hours a week since I was 17 this isn't enough. Others manage it because they're wealthy and don't work. Others manage it because they have more drive than me. I'm lethargic and I don't want to be. But a day of uni/a day of work poops me out and even just doing my prescribed readings for class on top of this makes me feel ill.

Anyway. Sorry. Yeah. I'm an axnious mess. But I'm not as bad as I was. But in ways... am I worse?

Or am I just lazy??? I'll never know.

I had this horrible stress dream on Sunday and I think that's fucked me up into thinking like this. I'm okay. Really. I can function. I used to take a lot of panic attacks. And now???? Hardly ever. Even last year, around about Xmas time I think I had a tad of depression (not diagnosed so we dont know for sure). I wasn't excited for Christmas and I spent a lot of my time, at the end of 2017, just feeling a little bit ...not there??? Like it came outta nowhere. The end of my summer was a bit anticlimactic, for reasons that are too deep to go into (mostly about work and also realising one of my courses had been missold to me). I was so so lucky to have Ruby and Callum in my life but like......my energy was just so low. They just kept me going (and stuff often do).

Today, I'm alright. And I have been forms long time. I just find it hard to put in the 110% you need to. My emotions feel real again. I cry about dogs on a daily basis and I laugh and I have a list of good that outweighs the bad about my life. I need to learn to not be scared of engaging with other people and I need to dedicate time for me in the future.

I'm also growing up. Like. I can't function as well on 0 sleep as I could even in like March. One of my best friends, who I dont see often anymore and who also doesn't have facebook was flabbergasted when I informed him of this... he also reminded me that I'm still young and hormes and shit...

Idk where I was going with this post but I'm just so.... so...... urgh. Yeah.

Like this post mental health doesn't make sense. And like me my MH is sound but also a bit of a dick.

There's A LOT of other shit I wanted to stay but this has gone on too long and I need to sleep for work in the morning!!!!

Anyway ily all and thanks for staying with me.

You are kind and valid and I probably love you.

xxxxx

#personal

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qqueenofhades · 7 years ago

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the tangled web of fate we weave: vi

shh, this is very therapeutic.

part v/AO3.

Lucy gets through the next several weeks mostly on autopilot. There’s spring break in there somewhere, but she doesn’t really notice, since she spends it working anyway. Her dissertation is inching toward the final finish line, though she still has to write a conclusion, put together her bibliography (which will be an absolutely torturous process of going through the whole thing and copy-pasting every footnote – why hasn’t someone invented a better way to do this yet?) and add her acknowledgments: places she went for trips, foundations who gave her scholarship money, people she’s collaborated with, that kind of thing. Most of it is straightforward, but when Lucy gets to the personal section, where people thank their parents, significant others, grade school teachers, supervisors, etc., she stares at the screen until it goes out of focus. Ordinarily she’d write, Thanks for everything, Mom and Dad, no problem at all, but how can she do that now? Thanks for everything, Mom and Henry Wallace, except for never telling me who my biological father was? Thanks for everything, Mom, but Benjamin Cahill, why?

Lucy leaves that part undone, just adds Amy for now, and finally pushes back her chair and lets out a hoarse war cry of victory, punching the air with both fists and startling the nearby students. She emails it to her supervisor, Dr. Kate Underwood, with the triumphant subject line FIRST COMPLETE DRAFT!!!!, then cleans out her carrel with something probably akin to what a new mother feels, when they finally hand her the baby after the sweat and strife of labor. Not that Lucy’s interested in kids, at least for a while, but still.

She sleeps like the dead for the entire weekend (her neighbors are actually still being quiet, and she certainly isn’t going to tell them that she’s probably never going to see Flynn again) then gets up and goes off to her final review meeting with Dr. Underwood on Monday. Most of the changes she suggests are small, though there’s one part of the last chapter that she pushes Lucy to do a little more with. Nothing outside her usual corrections, but since that was the chapter Lucy was dramatically interrupted from writing with the Weekend of Total Insanity, it triggers something in her. In one of the more embarrassing moments of her life, she bursts into tears in Dr. Underwood’s sunny office, as her supervisor looks bewildered, gingerly hands her Kleenex, and finally asks if everything is all right.

Lucy figures that last-minute nervous breakdowns are far from uncommon for PhD students just about to submit, and there’s a ready-made way to play this off as just that, which she more or less does. There are student counseling services that she could probably make an appointment with, though they’re busy enough at crunch time that it would be another few weeks until anyone saw her. And she just can’t picture sitting across from some graduate-student psychiatrist-in-training and actually making sense of this. Has the usual feeling that she doesn’t need to burden people with her first-world problems – “starving kids in Africa syndrome,” one of her friends called it. This is a little more than ordinary, perhaps, but still.

Having promised that she will have the changes in by next Monday, Lucy confirms the date for her oral examination, six weeks from now, and realizes that she has no idea what she will be doing for that time, aside from sleeping and bingeing on TV shows. Her work is done, she has class to finish teaching but only two days a week, and her schedule gapes perilously wide open. She isn’t good at sitting around and doing nothing; can manage maybe a week or two, then she starts feeling that she needs to be productive. Another gift from her mother. She never let Lucy just veg out during the summer as a kid. She had to be doing an extracurricular, or preparing for a AP exam, or off at Young Achievers Camp, which is exactly as nerdy as it sounds. She’s not sure she even knows how to rest.

Once Dr. Underwood has sent her off with advice to get some sleep and feel proud of her accomplishment, Lucy staggers out into the world beyond Stanford like Rip Van Winkle. It’s a nice day, warm and summery and almost difficult to remember that that whole ridiculous seventy-two hours ever happened, and she pauses. Then on a sudden impulse, she digs out her phone and scrolls through her contacts. Hits call, and waits.

Wyatt Logan picks up on the last ring, sounding slightly breathless. “Hello? Lucy?”

“Hi. I’m sorry, is it a bad time?”

“No, it’s fine. What’s up? Are you all right?”

“I. . . yeah, I am. I just. . . finished my dissertation, actually. And I thought if you were in San Francisco, maybe we could meet up and grab a coffee, or. . . or something?” Her heart flutters in her throat. “Just, you know, to catch up?”

There’s a slightly awkward pause. Then Wyatt says, “I’m, uh, I’m back in San Diego, I’m based out of Pendleton. And I promised my wife we’d go to the beach today, or whatever.”

“Your w – ” Lucy can feel her cheeks turning the color of a fire engine. “Oh my God, I didn’t – I really wasn’t – of course. No, no, of course. I’m sure you’ll have a great time.”

“Yeah.” Wyatt coughs. “Congratulations on finishing your dissertation, that’s an amazing accomplishment. Nothing else weird has happened recently?”

“Not that I’ve noticed. Maybe they’ve given it up.” Lucy knows this is too easy, but she wants to think so. Likewise, she both does and doesn’t want to ask. “Have you heard from Flynn?”

Wyatt hesitates. “No. I called back to the hospital a week later, they said they let him out, but I have no idea where he went. Probably off the grid. I would, if I was him. There’s an APB out, anyone who sees him is supposed to call it in. Whoever Rittenhouse is, they’re still very, very pissed.”

Lucy struggles to take this in. On the one hand, it’s good news, of a sort, that Flynn somewhat recovered and was released from the hospital, but was this because he was ready to roll again, or because he didn’t want to take the risk of lying there waiting for his enemies to show up? There are a nearly unlimited number of ways that they can kill him in a hospital and make it look like an accident, after all. If he is officially persona non grata for a lot of powerful and high-ranking people, and he’s hurt, that doesn’t sound like a good combination. Maybe he’s fled the country, gone up and crossed into British Columbia and hidden out somewhere in the Canadian Rockies. Lucy reminds herself that either way, she shouldn’t care. Whatever the hell his actual feelings on her might be, he made himself clear.

“Thanks,” she says, after a too-long pause. “Let me know if. . . well, whatever happens, all right?”

“Do my best. Congrats again on the dissertation.” Wyatt clears his throat. “Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Lucy echoes, cheeks still hot, and hangs up rather quickly. Well, that was a disaster. She should have known that the only guy she’s even attempted to ask out recently was unavailable, though there’s a cute-ish geek with glasses who smiles at her whenever he sees her in the coffee line. Lucy thinks his name is Alan. But not even for the principle of the thing can she really work up any desire for a closer approach. After a final moment, she fishes her keys out of her purse, heads to her car, and tries to decide if 280 or 101 will be more congested at this time of day. She ends up taking the latter, despite the unpleasant associations of recent escapades on it, up to Amy’s apartment in South San Francisco.

Lucy turns into the complex, parks, and heads up the steps to Amy’s place. She rents it with two of her friends, one of whom is named Sage Tranquility and the other of whom is usually getting arrested at protests. There’s plenty of room at the Preston house in Mountain View, it’s not like Amy had to move out, but she’s always butted heads with their mother far more than Lucy has. Said that she would rather live in a shitty apartment, away from Carol’s domineering and constant questioning about why she’s doing this sociology degree and wasting her potential, and build something that was hers. Lucy doesn’t know how much she should tell Amy, but she is the only person she feels like confiding to.

Amy opens the door a few moments after Lucy’s knock, her headphones around her neck still emitting the echoes of her music, but she pauses it at the sight of her sister. “Hey, you. What are you doing here? Aren’t you still working on your dissertation?”

“No, I just finished it. Just. Hey, are you doing anything right now?”

“No. Come in.” Amy frowns. “You don’t seem super jubilant, Luce.”

“I. . . have a lot on my mind.” Lucy blows out a breath. “I’d kind of like to talk.”

Amy agrees, gestures her in, and goes to fetch some cookies from the kitchen, before they got to the secondhand futon, Amy sits down, and beckons Lucy to put her head in her lap. “Okay,” she says. “So talk.”

As Amy gives her a head rub, which feels heavenly, Lucy closes her eyes, tries to find somewhere to start, and can’t think of any way to do this delicately. She teeters and stumbles at the edge, then finally comes clean about Flynn, about Rittenhouse, about Benjamin Cahill, about Wyatt, about everything. That it turns out they’re only half-sisters, that Carol has lied to them – to her – her entire life. That her real father is Corporate Darth Vader, and all of this. . . all of this. . . she’s slowly losing her mind, and has just squashed it down and put it away to concentrate on finishing. Now that’s done, and she’s. . . here.

Amy stays quiet as Lucy talks, until she finally chokes up and can’t finish. Then she grips Lucy’s shoulder hard and says fiercely, “We’re sisters, all right? We’re sisters. I don’t care what Mom did or did not tell you, it doesn’t change anything. We’re just the same as we’ve always been, and nothing is ever going to take that away from us.”

“Thanks.” Lucy’s voice remains stuck in her throat. “I just. . . this has been a lot.”

“Shyeah.” Amy reaches over her for a cookie, breaks off a bite, and dangles it above Lucy’s mouth like a zookeeper feeding the seals. Lucy manages a weak laugh and snaps it up, as a sigh shudders through her from head to heel. They remain in silence for several more moments, until Amy says, “So, this Flynn guy. You have feelings of some kind for him, but he’s a complete emotional disaster, not to mention possibly on the run from the feds for God knows what or where or why. Accurate?”

“I don’t – ” Lucy opens and shuts her mouth. “I wouldn’t say I have feelings feelings for him, he’s – I don’t really – ”

Amy raises one eyebrow. “Now who’s being the emotional disaster?”

Lucy feels as if this is rather unfair – she’s here sharing her problems and trying to work through them like a grownup, even if, yes, she did repress them for several weeks beforehand and hope they would go away. “I’m not the one who set my phone passcode as the day he saved my life, then told me not to fool myself that he wanted to see me again and basically vanished off the face of the earth!”

“Fair.” Amy considers this. “But you do feel something.”

“He saved my life. Twice. He did endanger it the second time, but. . .” Lucy stops. “Maybe there was something between us, or I believed a little too hard in fate or design or whatever. I could have been imagining it, but. . .”

“But you don’t think you were,” Amy completes. “He just blew it. Super hard. Complete buffoonery.”

Lucy snorts. “Remind me why I bother with men again?”

“You could always date another lady,” Amy points out. “I liked Carine.”

Strictly speaking, this is true, and does have a certain appeal after the recent overabundance of testosterone in Lucy’s life. But she dated Carine Leclerc, a journalism student from Montreal, for eight months in her senior year, and while Carine was making noises about looking for jobs in California after she graduated, it stalled over the fact that Lucy never got around to introducing her to Carol. It wasn’t exactly a secret – Amy knew, her friends knew, they went to a pride parade, there were pictures – but Lucy never talked about it directly with her mom. It wasn’t the queer thing, exactly. Just that whenever Carol discussed Lucy’s future, it always seemed to involve a husband and kids. Not because of any awe or reverence for the patriarchy – Carol gave both her daughters her own surname, rather than, apparently, either of their fathers’, and was a women’s studies professor for many years – but, well. It just did. And while you can obviously have a family by non-traditional methods – adoption, fostering, surrogacy, whatever – Lucy somehow didn’t get the impression that was what her mom had in mind. The kids just seem to be part of it. It’s why, although she’s not really had any enthusiasm for the idea now, she’s subconsciously penciled it in for five or eight years in the future, once she’s presumably met Mr. Right. Lucy has all kinds of arguments with herself over whether that makes her a bad feminist. But because it’s what her mom wants –

“Oh, God,” Lucy says hoarsely. She raises both hands to her face, then drops them. “You’re right. I really have let Mom dictate my life, haven’t I?”

The expression on Amy’s face clearly says, no duh, although she charitably refrains from uttering it aloud. Instead she says, “I still think you should have followed through on that band thing. At least it would have shown her that you can stand up to her.”

“I – no, that was definitely a bad idea, I’m glad I didn’t.” Lucy is still Lucy, and thus cannot believe that she ever treated the prospect of her education so frivolously. “But maybe if I went over there now and confronted her about Cahill – ”

“You’re sure that’s a good idea?”

“What? You’re always the one telling me to push back against her more!”

“Yeah, I know.” Amy chews on a thumbnail. “But this is more than about just that, isn’t it? From what you said about Cahill, it sounds like he’s mixed up in some pretty skeevy shit. I give Mom a hard time a lot, but maybe she did have a good reason for separating us from all that. Are you sure you want to know?”

“If they come back, I should at least know the truth.” Lucy rubs at her tired eyes with her fingertips. “I’d like to think they just gave up, but I’m not sure. Maybe if I tell her that I know, it might help clear the air.”

Amy gives her a probing look. “And are you going to tell her about Flynn?”

That catches Lucy short. She wants to say that she will, that if she’s demanding or even requesting honesty from her mother, she should be prepared to return the favor. But something – she doesn’t even know what, not quite what it was with Carine – gives her pause. “Why would I?” she says feebly. “It’s not like anything actually happened.”

“Aside from him turning up and you two going on a three-day joyride that ended with him getting shot and telling you to go piss up a rope.” Amy’s tone is more or less lighthearted, but her expression is serious. “That’s definitely something that happened.”

Lucy opens her mouth, then shuts it. She reaches for the last cookie and eats it, partly to give herself an excuse not to talk, then brushes off the crumbs and gets to her feet. “Well, if I am heading over there today, I should get going before the traffic gets too bad. I should at least tell her that I finished.”

“Because you’re hoping she’ll finally tell you that she’s proud of you?” Amy glances up at her. “You know you did a good job even if she can’t choke it out, right?”

“Of course I know.” Lucy manages a smile, picking up her purse. “See you later, Ames.”

Her baby sister hugs her, not without a final look, and Lucy lets herself out, heading to the parking lot and getting into her car. She drives down to the Preston family home in Mountain View, the attractive four-bedroom ranch house on an affluent, leafy street where Lucy grew up. Worth a tidy chunk of change if Carol decided to downsize, since it’s currently just her living there, but she has held onto it. Not good at letting go of things, Carol Preston. It is only in the last few days that Lucy has realized just how much, and it saddens her.

A light is on in the kitchen as Lucy parks by the curb and gets out. She heads up the front steps, noting that the plants could use some watering; it’s not like her mother to let things droop, or look anything less than perfect, daughters or azaleas alike. This is her house as much as anyone’s, and yet Lucy stands there for a long moment, feeling as unwelcome as a door-to-door salesman or friendly local Jehovah’s Witness. It feels as if she finally got here the way she was intending to do seven years ago – before the accident, before nearly dying, before Flynn, before Flynn’s reappearance, before Benjamin Cahill and Rittenhouse, before everything that’s brought her back. She tries to rehearse words in her head, questions, justifications. Nothing really occurs to her.

Lucy swallows hard, and rings the bell.

It takes a bit before she hears footsteps, and then Carol Preston opens the door. She looks down at her eldest daughter in surprise, or perhaps confusion. Something about her seems as off, less than pristine, as the drying flowers, and her makeup is slightly smeared, though Lucy can’t imagine her mother actually crying. “Lucy,” Carol says. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’ve been finishing my dissertation.” Lucy twists her fingers together anxiously. “I – I did finish, by the way. Just today. Dr. Underwood gave me her final changes, Dr. Gardener in anthropology still has to look it over as well, but he’s at a conference until Friday, so that will take a little longer. But – yeah, it’s done, I did it.”

“I see.” Carol considers, then steps back. “I think we should talk. Come in.”

Lucy follows her mother inside, wondering if Carol’s guessed somehow, if Cahill came by to creep on her as well or ask why she never told Lucy the truth, and feels absurdly guilty for causing more trouble. She almost starts to apologize, though with no idea what for, and a tiny, ridiculous part of her half-hopes that Flynn will be sitting in the kitchen, somewhat recovered if doubtless no more tactful, come by to ask Carol what she knows about Rittenhouse. Which seems like a bold move, given that he’s a wanted fugitive from the government, but reality doesn’t have much to do with Lucy’s thought process just now.

Nonetheless, it comes crashing back in in a cold, sobering wave when they step ins. There’s a piece of paper lying on the counter, and Lucy can’t see the wording, but it looks clinical. Hospital. Carol turns it over as Lucy tries to get a better look, then says, “Tea?”

“No, it’s all right, I was just over at – ” Lucy stops. “Mom, is… is everything…?”

“I went to get that cough checked out, like you wanted,” Carol says, after a slight pause. “And, well, the scan turned something up in one of my lungs. They’re going to run more tests, they can’t be sure, but there’s a possibility it’s malignant.”

She says this like the professor she’s been for thirty years, explaining a difficult fact with her usual classroom voice, and so it takes Lucy a moment to understand. Then she does, and it feels as if the world has gone out from under her feet. “M… malignant? As in cancer?”

“Yes.” Carol takes a deep breath. “I suppose it’s not entirely unexpected – your father was a heavy smoker, after all, and I never picked up the habit until I met him. I stopped when he died, of course, but if this does come back positive…”

Part of Lucy wants to inform Carol point-blank that she knows Henry Wallace isn’t her father and never was. The rest of her wonders how awful you have to be, to confront your mother about that when she’s just told you that she might have cancer. “I – I, I’m so sorry,” she stammers, once more as if this is her fault, has not gotten the right score on a test or has whined about never having summers off. “Mom, I’m sure it’s fine, but if – ”

“But if it’s not?” Carol looks at her levelly. “I know we’ve had a bit of distance recently, Lucy, but this is the sort of news to put things in perspective. Of course, there’s medicine, there’s chemotherapy, there’s options. We don’t know anything yet. But if the worst-case scenario does come to pass, I really want to make the most of whatever time I have with you. There’s still so much I need to teach you, to talk with you about.”

Yes, Lucy thinks, there is. But any urgent desire to force answers to all her questions has vanished in her flood of guilt and fear and concern. “Of course, Mom, of course. If there’s anything I can do – and I’m sure Amy too, we’d both be happy to – ”

“I’m not sure about Amy.” Carol sighs. “But if you have finished your dissertation, like you said, and therefore don’t need to be at campus every day… I’ve seen that apartment of yours, Lucy. It’s terrible. Is there any way you might consider moving back in? We would be closer here, we’d be together. It would be easier, and if I did get sick…”

“No, of course. Of course I’ll move back in. Absolutely, you don’t have to worry about that at all. My lease on campus runs through the end of the school year, but – ”

“I’ll pay your early termination fees.” Carol takes Lucy’s hand. “I really want us to be together again. Believe me.”

“Me too,” Lucy says in a rush. “But – if the test did come back clean – if you’re not really… well.” She can’t bring herself to utter the name aloud, speak of the devil and he will appear. “If you’re not… sick, do you… will you still want me back?”

“Why on earth wouldn’t I?” Carol looks hurt. “Do you think I only love you when you’re useful? You are my daughter, my eldest daughter. So much like me, my historian. You’re so bright and you’ve worked so hard. Of course I want you back.”

Lucy opens and shuts her mouth, then reaches out, and Carol wraps her arms around her, pulling her close, as Lucy rests her chin on her mother’s shoulder and has to struggle to blink back tears. And so, within ten minutes of going home with the intention of some final confrontation, some ultimatum or insistence on separating herself from Carol’s trunk, Lucy instead cleaves back in, root and branch, and promises that she will never bring it up again.

There really isn’t time to arrange a move – even a short-range one – between the last-minute rush of dissertation edits, job applications, and graduation plans, and Lucy’s apartment has a few pitiful half-full boxes sitting around, which she will toss things into when she remembers. She feels like a terrible daughter, which is not helped when Amy calls her up at the end of the week and wants to know what happened to telling Mom off. “You know how she is, Lucy! Even if – God forbid – she was actually sick, doesn’t this seem a little…?”

“A little what?” Lucy challenges. “Are you really going to accuse our mother of faking possible lung cancer just because she wants – I don’t know what, something?”

“I didn’t say she was faking,” Amy says reluctantly. “I’ve been worried about her health too. But Mom has a couple nest eggs, you know she does. If it got to the point that she needed a live-in helper, she could hire someone who actually knew what they were doing and would get properly paid for it. That’s not your job. You’re not that kind of doctor.”

“I know.” Lucy shifts the phone to her other shoulder. “But – look, I know what we talked about, I know what we said. I just don’t think this is the right time to bring it up.”

Amy doesn’t argue with her again, but Lucy can sense that she still isn’t pleased. And yet, all of that goes out the window when Carol calls them both and says they should come by, there’s something she needs to tell them. That doesn’t sound like the kind of invitation that ends with “and nothing’s wrong, the doctor said I’m fine,” and indeed, it doesn’t. The biopsy results came back. It’s cancer. Carol’s prognosis isn’t terrible – they caught it before it was already irreversible – but it’s not particularly great either. The words fifty-fifty chance are used. A lot will depend on how she responds to treatment.

Amy starts to cry – she and Mom have fought a lot, but they do still love each other – and Lucy puts an arm around her, feeling numb. It feels crass to ask for any graduation celebration, even if she’d like one. Suddenly, even applying for jobs is up in the air. Lucy doesn’t want to complain about being inconvenienced by her mother’s serious illness, but she was so ready to start her own life, do something else, stretch her wings, and now she’s back in the birdcage, throwing away the key. It just doesn’t seem (and she winces at the thought) fair.

Lucy finishes the rest of the revisions recommended by her second supervisor in a blur. At the last meeting before this three-hundred-page monster is sent off to the committee for reading and to the printing service for binding, Dr. Underwood mentions that she’s been in contact with the history department at Kenyon College in Ohio. Kenyon is a small liberal arts college, upper-tier and avant-garde, and while it would unfortunately mean living in Ohio, there is currently an opening in the faculty for a junior lecturer with almost exactly Lucy’s research specialty. Dr. Underwood has passed her name on, and the people at Kenyon would like to speak to her next week, if that works.

Lucy’s first reaction is delight and disbelief. Tailor-made opportunities for academic jobs at places where you would like to work, and that are looking for your research interests, are as rare as the proverbial rain on the Sahara. She’s thought for a while that she’d like to teach at a small liberal arts school, one of the places that doesn’t think SAT scores are a good measure of academic performance and give a lot of focus to student development – somewhere in the Northeast, maybe. Sarah Lawrence, Vassar, Middlebury, Wellesley, something in that vein, the usual schools described as “diehard liberal” by U.S News and World Report in their college rankings. Stanford is obviously Stanford, but it takes a lot of work not to get lost in the machine, and plenty of students who come through Lucy’s classes now are clearly just checking elective boxes and playing on their laptops during lecture. At a place like Kenyon, she could actually talk to them more, have smaller and more immersive seminars, supervise senior projects and have more of a say in shaping the department. Have that exact chance to make it her own, rather than following in predestined footsteps.

At that, however, something catches Lucy short. She remembers Benjamin Cahill essentially promising her that he could get her any dream job she wanted, anywhere in the country. Is this Rittenhouse’s clever new strategy? Realize that the face-to-face approach backfired bombastically, and take a more subtle approach, pull some strings and call in some favors so this fat juicy worm just happened to land on the right hook? Would she move there and find herself surrounded by their people, or expected to pay something substantial back?

Asking Dr. Underwood about this, however, just makes Lucy sound crazy. She doesn’t mention anyone by name, but she delicately probes whether anyone just happened to call up and offer this, and if so, why. Dr. Underwood is puzzled, says that no, this has been in the works for a while and it just happened to time well with Lucy’s completion. Due to someone who knows Dr. Underwood, who supervised so-and-so’s thesis, etc. – not the creepy Rittenhouse networks of patronage, but just the usual byzantine channels of academia – Lucy currently holds right of first refusal on the job. If she turns it down, they’ll shop it more broadly, but assuming she doesn’t completely bomb the interview, buys some winter clothes, and is all right exchanging Palo Alto for Gambier, it’s hers if she wants it.

“I…” Lucy hesitates. “My… my mom was just… she was actually just diagnosed. With cancer. She wants me to move back in and spend more time with her. I don’t know if I could justify going to Ohio instead. That’s the exact opposite of what she wants.”

Dr. Underwood hastens to offer her sympathy, and appreciates that this is a difficult decision for Lucy to make. However, while she knows family commitments are important, ultimately Lucy needs to think about what she wants from her career and getting established and so on. If Lucy does decide to stay in California, there will probably be several teaching opportunities at Stanford for her, and she’ll submit papers to journals and attend conferences and the rest of the rigmarole that it takes to be a Professional Academic ™. It’s not necessarily the wrong thing to do. But Dr. Underwood thinks Lucy should consider the Kenyon job carefully. She knew Carol when they were both faculty in the department, knows what kind of personality she had, and maybe it’s not the worst thing for Lucy to go.

Lucy nods and smiles, even as she wants to go somewhere private, put her face in a pillow, and scream. At least the damn dissertation is done, exam date is firmly set, no more of that, no more, praise Jesus, NO MORE. She picks up her bag, swings it to her shoulder, and heads out of Dr. Underwood’s office, riding down the elevator and stepping out into the foyer. As she does, she collides with someone coming the other way, and starts into the usual apology. But as she does, she catches a glimpse of the face under the hat, and freezes. Reaches out to grab at his jacket sleeve, her voice a hiss.

“Flynn?”

Garcia Flynn has not been having the greatest week. Or two. Or three.

He stayed for six days in the hospital, being cared for by a doctor named Noah who was entirely professional to all outward manners and appearances, but who kept shooting him looks out of the corner of his eye that made Flynn suspect the worst. Either he’s a Rittenhouse agent, or he used to be some sort of gentleman acquaintance to Lucy, and Flynn would almost prefer the former. At least that way he could kill him without anyone being too upset about it.

Of course, and regretfully, killing is off the table, at least for the moment. At least for Flynn himself, as he’s fairly sure that Rittenhouse has authorized everything short of public beheading to apprehend him, and which was why he decided that he was no longer going to trust to the dubious safety of Santa Rosa Memorial and the judgment of Noah. . . whatever his damn last name is, Flynn hasn’t been arsed either to find out or remember it. So he checked himself out against medical advice, gave a fake name and address for the bill (the American health system is a racket anyway, and technically he’s supposed to have insurance – yes, the NSA does offer dental) and left the rental car in the garage. It’s too conspicuous, and he has bigger fish to fry than whether he is blacklisted by Enterprise in the future. They can take it up with John Thompkins, later.

After which, Flynn rode a Greyhound (yes, it’s as miserable as you’d think, especially when you’re six-foot-four) to some shithole Inland Empire city, somewhere in California close to the Nevada border where nobody goes if they can possibly avoid it, probably still riddled with decades-old radiation from the Las Vegas test site. Rented a room in some motel that definitely has one filled with haunted clown dolls, laid low, gingerly tended his raw wounds with over-the-counter antibiotics and sutures, and was forced to admit it was a good thing he did not die of septicemia. He hasn’t succeeded in coming up with a new plan just yet, as it’s clear that he’s been cut off from the usual channels with extreme prejudice. He has kept his old phone with the NSA numbers, but keeps it switched off and hasn’t used it. He can’t risk calling Karl to see what he did, or did not, know about the Wyatt Logan fiasco.

And so, Flynn grimly considers his options. He can try to throw together another fake identity and go to Canada, or travel on his real name back to Europe and hope they haven’t gotten Interpol on this, or just lie here in a motel room that might literally be the manifestation of hell on earth, with air conditioner that barely works in 25-plus Celsius heat and a stain that looks like a murder victim on the carpet. If Rittenhouse is after him, no holds barred, he may just be able to avoid their notice if he stays, especially for a man whose professional tradecraft is disappearing. And yet.

The more Flynn thinks it over, the more he can’t account for everything going sideways as fast and as comprehensively as it did, unless Rittenhouse was plugged into the whole thing almost from the beginning. They must have multiple high-level operatives across several branches of government, focusing on the ones you’d expect – CIA, NSA, FBI, Homeland Security, whoever’s stealing your personal information these days – but by no means limited to them. They could be salted through every level of middle bureaucracy (he wonders if all DMV and IRS workers get an automatic membership) and beyond. It sounds ridiculously, relentlessly paranoid, like that prizewinning intellectual who insists that the Royal Family and other leading British celebrities are all secretly lizard people. But given what Flynn saw at the gala, Cahill and his powerful, well-connected, wealthy friends, this also might not be entirely off the ranch, and that means he has to do more digging. Where?

It takes him a bit, but he recalls what Lucy said to him at their first (well, first real) meeting. Something about David Rittenhouse, who Flynn discovered to be a famous eighteenth-century astronomer and professor at the University of Pennsylvania, and asking if he founded it. Flynn doesn’t know the answer to that question, but it seems to strain credulity that the man it’s literally named after has nothing to do with it. It also is not a given that Rittenhouse’s secret archives are housed somewhere at UPenn, but there are several things named after the man in Philadelphia. It’s not entirely implausible.

That, therefore, is where Flynn is faced with the final part of the plan. It’s going to be hard enough for him to get in as it is, what with the Take Dead or Alive order they probably have out on his head. But if he didn’t appear to be attached to it – if it was just an innocent research visit from an up-and-coming academic who would have plenty of legit business with UPenn’s history collections on colonial America, and he just so happened to appear –

Flynn is well aware that this is quite a reach. That it’s dangerous, that it’s unfair, that he doesn’t really have any right to ask it, given how their last parting went, and what he said then. That she has any number of things to do right now, and none of them necessarily involve dropping all her work and heading cross-country to pick up, again, the world’s most demented and dangerous scavenger hunt with him. No sir.

He checks out of the motel and hops a ride with a trucker the next morning.

As they stare at each other for a very long and very excruciating moment, all Lucy can think is that he shouldn’t be here. Rittenhouse could have been watching her from afar, guessing (correctly, apparently) that she will prove too tempting a target for Flynn to resist contacting again. Maybe this is the moment they jump out and dogpile them both, or – or –

Lucy hesitates only a split second before tightening her grip on Flynn and dragging him around the corner into an unused classroom. She bangs shut the door behind them and leans against it, legs trembling. “You need to get out of here.”

“You just shut me in.” Trust Flynn to have a smart-aleck response readily at hand, as he watches her from under hooded eyes. “We would need to try reversing that first.”

“Just be quiet.” Lucy clenches her fists, fighting a brief urge to slap him. “Did anyone see you?”

He shrugs. “It’s a public university, I imagine they did. Nobody who seemed to recognize me, though.”

Lucy blows out a breath, getting the table between them just so there will be something to prevent her – or him – from anything intemperate. “You’re such a bastard.”

A hard, sardonic smile glimmers in the edges of his mouth. He seems unruffled by the accusation, almost even pleased. He does not bother with small talk, explaining where he’s been, or why he said everything he did in the hospital. (Don’t fool yourself that I want to see you again. . . this is my war, I don’t need you and yet, lo and behold, here he is. He’s a disaster.) Instead he says, “Did you finish your dissertation?”

“Yes,” Lucy says, curt and unwilling. “I have a lot going on, a lot, so why don’t you just – ”

“Is there anything else you can pretend to be working on?”

“What?” Screw the table, she might want to do something intemperate after all. “Why?”

His eyes remain on hers, cool and unswerving. “I need your help.”

#lucy x flynn #garcy #garcy ff #timeless ff #the tangled web of fate we weave

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