#who has never learnt to process his hatred and resentment and takes it out on every one else

[factsilike]

@milfzun oof your tags🥺 I wanted to respond to them. I am so so sorry you went through such things in your life, no one should have to choose between their own comfort and sanity of mind over their family. I know a thing or two about complicated familial relationships myself, it seems to be almost a guarantee in most Asian families.

But regarding WWX's and JC's relationship, I don't think reconciliation is possible. I mean if it weren't for the fact that JFM had brought him into his clan and raised him and so WWX by necessity had to get along with him, WWX in another scenario (such as if his parents lived and he could afford a easy life or he was born as someone rich with status) would not become friends with JC, because he would have other options.

Their personalities are just too incompatible, and their moralities do not align. One of the major differences between them was highlighted when we saw how in the Xuanwu Turtle Cave, JC actively held WWX back from coming to Mian Mian's defence, seeing no reason to help her if it was to his own detriment. WWX on the other hand, wanted to help her simply because it was just and the right thing to do. They were not the same. And this major difference, as well as others continues to widen the rift between them throughout the novel until their relationship is torn apart completely.

As for WWX not having any support, I think it's beautiful that WWX gets to now choose his family in his second life. He had to make do with what relationships he was given in his first life, and of all of them only Jiang Yanli showed him unconditional love and support, and declared him her brother. But now he has LWJ, who can unconditionally love and support and protect him. (This is one of the reasons why I love that scene in the tree in Lotus Pier so much, when WWX looks down that tree and thinks back to the last time when he fell, in Jiang Yanli's arms, how she had loved him and cared for him but could not protect him. And this time, when he lets himself fall, he lands in the arms of someone who loves him and cares for him and is strong enough to stand by him and protect him. It's an important distinction, and I love it so much. MXTX, how smart you are!)

I got sidetracked, but essentially yes WWX has a different family now, LWJ and the juniors, and that's all right. They are enough. Oh, and sweet, good natured WN!

About how difficult it is to truly cut off familial ties, I absolutely agree, not everyone is able to do such a thing. But JC and WWX were never truly family, were they? They are not related by blood, and as I said, if given the choice, WWX would not choose to be friends with someone like JC. JC himself says WWX broke his promise to forever stay by his side, as in forever be his subordinate and be in servitude to him. That's not someone who thinks of you as family would say.

Also, what you said about WWX having power over JC now, how he now has control over their relationship....I couldn't help but think; is that truly a good relationship at all? Where you no longer trust the other person, and you might pretend that everything is normal, and that you still love them and want them in your life, because they used to mean a lot to you and you care for them and yet you always live on tenterhooks over how they might suddenly reset in their abusive ways and try to seize back control? Essentially, you no longer feel safe around them, and are always walking on eggshells afraid that one day they might hurt you again, because they've done it before?

I think that eventually, at least for WWX, he can forgive the pain, he can forgive the atrocities committed against him, he can forgive the betrayal, but he can never forget.

People like to imagine WWX and JC reconciling so easily...

As if WWX would ever forgive him for leading a bloodthirsty siege against the innocent people he gave up everything, even his life, to protect.

Also, WWX and JC at the core of their personalities are just too different. Their morals don't align, so a healthy brotherly relationship between them is just not possible, it never was. All they ever do in the novel is mostly disagree and fight. There were barely any pleasant or wholesome interactions between them.

It's for the best that they go their separate ways at the end of the novel, because literally the best thing JC ever did for WWX was leave him alone to live his (second) life.

WWX himself even clearly says who he wants-

"At the end, only Lan Wangji was the one left remaining by his side. How fortunate, then that Lan Wangji was also the only one he wanted by his side."

He does not want JC in his life anymore, nor does he have any room for him.

[erekiosuncreativeideas]

The Guilt Imprisonment - Chapter 01

Summary : "Guilt really was an awful feeling. Lurking in the darkness, always waiting for the worst moment to attack its host, this terrifying emotion could have so many destructive effects on one’s mind. The damage was even worse if said person’s mental health was already in bad shape after hundreds of years passed in absolute isolation.

Other factors could play a role in that as well and, for Moonjumper, it was mostly jealousy, hatred and resentment. All of them had been directed towards one particular person: his other half. While the latter had managed to escape from Vanessa’s basement, Moonjumper had woken up in this nightmarish dimension, one he ended up calling the Horizon."

Moonjumper feels extremely bad about his past actions. His mind cannot help but remember them constantly, trapping him in a prison of guilt. However, he learns that he's not the only one feeling that way...

Also available on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/24665326/chapters/59601370

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Guess the sequel of "Reliving An Old Nightmare" is here ! Hope you'll like it !!

If you haven't read "Reliving An Old Nightmare", I highly suggest you do so before starting this one, as you'll probably don't understand this story otherwise. If you like this story, please don't hesitate to tell me !

Also, English is not my native language, so there might be some grammatical mistakes I'll need to correct. Don't hesitate to tell me about them if you find one !

Happy reading !

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Chapter 01 - A New Beginning

Guilt really was an awful feeling. Lurking in the darkness, always waiting for the worst moment to attack its host, this terrifying emotion could have so many destructive effects on one’s mind. The damage was even worse if said person’s mental health was already in bad shape after hundreds of years passed in absolute isolation. Other factors could play a role in that as well and, for Moonjumper, it was mostly jealousy, hatred and resentment. All of them had been directed towards one particular person: his other half. While the latter had managed to escape from Vanessa’s basement, Moonjumper had woken up in this nightmarish dimension, one he ended up calling the Horizon.

He had never been good with names. Coming up with one for this place had been quite hard, given how desert and empty it was. After all, this dimension was just a seemingly infinite void, white everywhere, with small floating islands. Some of them were bare of any element, others had trees and bushes, while certain were full of rocks.

However, only one had a magical pond, and it was the one he was on most of the time. Now that he had gained the ability to float rather than having to crawl on the ground, he had been able to explore the Horizon, discovering what the other islands had to offer. Well, the answer was “not much”, though it was still better than being restricted to a single island. Considering the infinity of this place, Moonjumper tried to use his strings to connect the islands together, as a way to find his way around. It was like a giant map, where he had to follow the strings and their directions to find back his original island. Most of the time, it worked pretty well! Other times… The ghost had to search for it for what seemed hours to him.

Well, time couldn’t be measured here anyway.

His inability to find good names could also be seen in the way he chose to call himself. After coming to hate his other half and what the latter had become, the undead spirit didn’t want to have anything to do with him, and that also covered the person they both used to be. Thus, just like his other part did with his own name, Moonjumper thought of another identity he could use. The process had certainly not been easy and he had had to see which name fitted him the best, which one made him the most comfortable. He had tried to find something related to one of the things he liked the most and, eventually, the name Moonjumper came to him.

The Moon had always been something he had loved, watching it at night. Some people loved to stargaze but, as for him, he always had prefered to admire the beauty of the Moon. Choosing a name based on it seemed like a good idea and he had liked the sound of it.

And then, an opportunity had presented itself to him, an opportunity to leave this cursed place. Moonjumper had not hesitated a single second, manipulating Vanessa during her sleep to contact her. If he had to be honest, he wasn’t even sure how he did that, even to this day. It was before the Time Piece affected his body, his appearance and gave him his… Abilities. But maybe he already had gained some powers after his death, but wasn’t aware of it. Even today, the ghost still didn’t know. What he did know at the time, however, was that a small child had fallen from the sky in the mortal plane… A hatted little child, who had brought with her a lot of powerful artefacts, some sadly lost in Subcon Forest…

All he had had to do afterwards was to find someone desperate enough to listen to him. Someone easy to manipulate, someone who would do anything if promised the impossible… And soon, a plan had appeared in his mind. It was flawless! He had passed so much time planning everything so it would be perfect, so he would finally leave and get his revenge at the same time! What a wonderful opportunity!

Except it wasn’t. Because he had killed a kid in his attempt to get free.

Leaning on a tree, back in the Horizon, he closed his eyes. A lot of things had changed since then and, one of the biggest difference was that he was now able to go in and out of this dimension as he pleased. The spirit’s face winced as he remembered the scene. So much blood, so many tears and cries, the little girl’s body sliding against the ice as gravity pulled her body closer to the floor… It has been so awful, so horrible… And something the ghost had never wanted to do in the first place.

… Well, this wasn’t entirely true. He did try to kill her once, shackling her in the cellar, next to his unconscious other half. The truth was that, even if he had considered her as a threat to him because of her magical hats and knowledge regarding other dimensions… Moonjumper was not a killer. Contrary to his other half who had named himself The Snatcher, the spirit had never killed anyone voluntarily, let alone a child. When he had to get rid of her… He had chickened out, unable to murder her. All he had been able to do at the time was to lock her somewhere, hoping the collapsing rift would kill her instead, taking away the dirty work off his hands.

And it had been the same with Snatcher and Vanessa: it had all been hot air, bluff, lies, empty threats! Anything so he wouldn’t have to kill them himself. Using the hatted child as a hostage had given him the perfect escape scenario! Snatcher and Vanessa hadn’t been able to attack him while he was holding the little girl, just like he had planned. However… He hadn’t planned said kid would risk her life to get free. When the spirit had pushed her away, trying to avoid her attack… He had never meant to kill her. It had all been a huge accident!

The ghost curled up, taking his head into his hands. He could feel the sensation of his claws scratching his head, leaving marks as he brought them down. It made an awful sound. Silence was everywhere around him, making his thoughts even louder in his mind. Guilt was an unbearable feeling. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second… This was all he could think about: how he had murdered an innocent kid.

It hadn’t been a definitive death, but still.

After his other half broke the Time Piece, he had woken up in the attic, just like he was before being teleported outside the Rift. Next to him were the unconscious bodies of Snatcher, Vanessa and… The hatted kid’s. Since there hadn’t been any ice pillars in this version of the attic, the child had been lying on the floor, safe and sound. A sudden wave of relief had engulfed him as he had realized that she was still alive. He had tried to float closer, wanting to be sure, though Vanessa had woken up, trying to attack him.

He barely escaped that day.

The spirit had been free since then. Yet, he didn’t feel like he deserved this newfound freedom, especially because it had happened thanks to a child’s -temporary- death. Eventually, he had learnt that his body had been much more affected by the Time Piece than what he first thought.

First, the ghost was now alive and dead at the same time. It was extremely weird to him, in a lot of ways. One of them was that he could feel and smell things, contrary to his other half, who apparently couldn’t. Another one was that, while he didn’t need to eat, he felt the need to sleep. He could also feel pain, though he wasn’t able to heal his injuries, the ones caused by Snatcher. The latter had ripped the Time Piece out of his ribcage, breaking bones and bruising some organs in the process. Now, some time had passed since then, probably a few months from what Moonjumper had been able to tell, but… His body had remained unchanged, still as damaged as before. Since he didn’t have any healing magic, the only thing he could do was tying his chest up, in order to keep it closed. He had thought about closing it definitely by sewing his own skin, but… The very idea made him extremely uncomfortable. Considering he could feel pain now, this was not something he wanted to do. Thus, he had chosen the least painful solution, hoping that one day he’ll have the courage to do more than this.

He knew he wouldn’t, though.

The spirit let out a huge sigh and lifted his head back up, his eyes reexamining his surroundings: nothing ever changed in this place, it always remained the same. Just like him, in the end.

Moonjumper materialized several red strings, tying them between his fingers as he started to draw forms with them, mindlessly playing as his thoughts kept on wandering.

He couldn’t say he liked going back to the Horizon. Yet, even if he now had the possibility to leave and explore the world he had yearned so much… It was -oh- so overwhelming. The mortal plane was so lively, so noisy, so full of sensations he had lost the habit of feeling… At first, Moonjumper had been so happy to leave the Horizon, but soon his senses had been submerged, hit by a wave of sensations he had forgotten the existence.

Plus… There were a lot of people staring at him, judging him from afar… But who could blame them? It wasn’t every day one could see a literal living corpse! Though, all those stares and scared glances made Moonjumper feel even worse about himself. His new appearance was a reminder of what he did, of the bad things he had done just to be free… Of the death of an innocent child. It was too much.

Eventually, he couldn’t help but come back to the Horizon, where it was calm, where there was no one else but him, where no one would judge him. He did that very well on his own anyway. He still liked to leave this place, of course! Just… Not too long and only when it was late in the mortal plane. In that case, there wouldn’t be too many people staring at him.

It was really ironic! He had wanted to be free, to get out of there so much… And now, he was trapped again, trapped by his own loneliness. He did try to talk to people, but most of them were either scared or really uncomfortable by his presence. In the end, his situation was even worse than before. Yes, he could leave, but now his inability to socialize was his own fault. When he was stuck in the Horizon, he had his other half to blame for that… Now, he had no one else to blame other than himself.

It was a very different matter.

Moonjumper made the strings disappear and he stared into space. He needed to take his mind off all of this. Maybe a walk at night would help him? It had been a long time since the last one. He had been focusing on staying outside longer and longer. The mortal plane was overwhelming, but it was becoming easier to bear all those new sensations. It was a slow process, but it was progress nonetheless.

The ghost lifted himself from the ground, using his new floating abilities to move. He flew higher and higher, getting farther off the island he was on. Then, he extended his hands in front of him, grabbing empty space with them. But there was still something, even if it wasn’t visible. Clenching his teeth, the spirit started pulling the reality apart, separating it with his hands as he tried opening a window to the mortal plane. It was hard, and Moonjumper could feel his arms getting tired quickly at how difficult it was. But, after a few seconds, he managed to open a passage. The sight of a city greeted him, a town plunged into the darkness of the night, with no one outside. It was apparently a calm city surrounded by water, with tall buildings. An island, perhaps? But it mattered little to the ghost: all he wanted was to go on a stroll without catching anyone’s attention.

And this place seemed perfect for that. Before leaving his dimension, he examined the city once more, smelling the sea air as he passed his head through the crack. It was a messy town, with garbage and graffiti everywhere. There were a lot of scaffoldings, as if the city had gone through major changes. Many crates were scattered around. There was a beach, though it seemed just as messy as the rest of the island. Several hot-air balloons were settled on the sand, all empty. A huge geyser was coming out of the centre of the town, holding up a sort of platform on which could be seen a building.

Moonjumper let a small smile appear on his features, something he barely did nowadays: this was going to be a promising stroll, he thought, as he entered the new dimension, the crack slowly closing behind him.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Hope you liked that first chapter ! :D

See you soon on the next chapter ! Take care in the meantime !

=> Chapter 02

[loyally-unfaithful]

—; even if i am fooling myself, my feelings are true . (3)

word count: 4.1k

pairing: origami cyclone | ivan karelin / gn!reader

genre: hurt/comfort

summary: even if he was lying to you by pretending to be your lover, he told himself it was worth it. it made you happy. it helped you. he’s helping you. this ruse is only done in good faith. 

if it were to make you smile, if it were to help you brighten up, then all his lies and deceptions could be forgiven, he rationalised.

a/n: i know that ivan's peak depression and garbage self-esteem is pre-episode 8, and after that he's actually fine and coping ok thanks to the power of friendship but let's pretend that ,,, 2020 is hitting ivan hard, he keeps getting cucked by that one sekiro boss, he can’t defeat alatreon, and he's second guessing himself

he decided that he’ll tell you once you were released.

the door leading to your room opened with a marked click, announcing anytime a person entered (or exited) the room.

this time was no different. the door clicked as ivan quietly stepped inside.

he’ll have to ask you when you could be discharged, didn’t he?

though not quite taking your eyes off of your book, you shifted your head slightly to where the sound came from, notifying him that you were listening.

« hey, i’m back… sorry i couldn’t get by sooner. »

this time, you took your eyes off of the pages to answer him: « it’s really not an issue, you reassured him, don’t force yourself if you’re too busy okay? »

he blinked. the hero can’t help being unnerved: something about the way you said that made it seem as if you could see through him. for the past few weeks that he has known you, he has a nagging feeling that you know more than you let on, but frustratingly enough he still couldn’t figure out what’s between the lines.

probably just his paranoia.

he has learnt that you were, for the most part, an honest and straightforward person: if you had something to say, you’ll tell him—so the blond brushed his hypervigilance to his job as hero.

« still… i can’t help but feel bad… he smiled apologetically. – i know, i know... you conceded. »

ivan gently placed a humble bouquet of lily-of-the-valley, which he had come to learn was your favourite flower, on the table and seated himself besides you. book dog-eared and put away, you let your hand settle in his, allowing your fingers to intertwine with his. a warm smile crept on your face as you felt his thumb stroke the back of your hand.

« just, i don’t want you to worry. you turned to look to where he sat. i’d still live even if you don’t visit every few days. a soft laugh escaped you. »

you’ve changed, he noticed. you’re different.

you looked much happier. you smiled, genuinely smiled, and laughed, genuinely laughed, a lot more. your eyes were clear and focused, instead of the bleary, tear-soaked eyes he had come to associate with you.

you were much more animate than you were. animate in every sense of the word: yes, you were doing better in rehab, but you’ve started doing more outside of that. you were slowly, but surely, going through your abandoned stack of books. even though you were not that big of a fan of watching tv, he has caught you turning the fixture on a few times to serve as white noise as you read, tuning in to whatever was being broadcasted at the time. occasionally, you’ve even ventured outside your room to visit the hospital garden. you were much easier to talk to. you were more open and easy going. you’ve even started interacting with the hospital staff. he found himself being able to hold full conversations with you instead of the flat monosyllabic replies he had expected.

lively. lively was the word to describe you now.

 he recalls your first few interactions since his appearance. they were all lukewarm at best. were you always this unapproachable? this cold? what had happened to your warmth? he remembers asking himself that. the hero supposes it’s normal… he was disguised as someone who had hurt you. perhaps even humiliated you in front of all the staff present at the time, including he and dragon kid. so your behaviour was to be expected: after the relief of having your partner back, you probably remembered your own anger. the cold shoulder was to be expected. he tried his best to be patient with you, not letting your poorly hidden glare and scrutiny get to him. but even so, he would shiver at the thought of being watched. never before had he felt so much so like a prey pursued by a raptor.

the blond tried his best to coax you out of your impenetrable shell, doing his best to appear empathetic and appease you. if it would help you lighten up, then he’d willingly take the brunt of your hatred.

once in a while, he’d try to get you to speak, to no avail. you’d either ignore him, scowling, or whisper out a terse response. ivan tried not to get discouraged, he really did, but it was hard to do when the object of his affection, the person he cared for, the person he wanted to help rejected him with such disdain and pushed him away so coldly.

« how are you f— he started. – why are you here? but you had brashly interrupted him. why do you keep visiting me? what are you trying to prove? you spat, venom laced in your voice. » in your ire, you clenched your blanket tightly, until your knuckles turned white.

ivan was visibly taken aback by your slew of spiteful questions, and by your seemingly irreparable distrust. he doesn’t like the darkness in your eyes. much less at the thought that it was directed at him. he hesitated to answer, afraid that the wrong word could set your already agitated self off. ‘calm down, ivan. they’re not mad at you. he told himself. they’re mad the person you’re impersonating.

he swallowed, throat dry: « i don’t… what do you mean? he tilted his head, crushed. i’m not trying to prove anything, i was just worried about you. he hoped his tone conveyed the sincerity in his words. i’m really sorry i hurt you, i… i wasn’t thinking straight and i hurt you in the process. he shook his head in repentance. if i’ve humiliated you in any way, i’m really sorry. i really am. please believe me when i say that i care about you. he pleaded. »

it seemed that his earnest response had caught you off guard, having sat up straight up. for the first time in a long while, he found that you had properly turned to face him. you had unclenched your hands, and your eyes were wide. any trace of resentment had disappeared, in its stead was genuine surprise. as if not quite believing his words, you squinted in his direction as you went over his words again.

« you’re… not lying? » came your slow and incredulous response, voice having lost every trace of anger. there was no tension in the way you said it, innocent without any signs otherwise.

were you astonished by his response… why?

what did you mean by that?

it wasn’t a question directed at him, and more like a statement. a realisation. but still he moved to answer you, to redeem himself before your eyes.

« of course not… why would— i have no reason to lie to you… »

wrong answer.

he had to stop himself from wincing as you frowned, sceptical. you retracted your gaze from him and returned to quietly gaze out of the window.

he got the memo that the conversation had ended, that you didn’t want to elaborate nor continue. so he left. feeling at a loss after your tense exchange.

but even so, he came back a few days later, to your very apparent surprise.

even if your first few days with him as “taylor” were shaky, he was glad that he never gave up: having come to look forward to spending time in your company. instead of the solemn and wary person he had been introduced to, there was a warm and approachable person in its place. instead of the suspicious and closed off person he had to deal with, you’ve shown yourself to be a frank and honest, if sometimes candid, person.

 when he returned, the door clicked as he entered, and your reaction was instantaneous: « you came back. »

was it a statement? was it a question? he couldn’t make the tone in which you said that, but you hadn’t sounded angry as you did the last time, so he considered that he was still in the clear. maybe you were stupefied that he still came back after your vitriolic interrogation. for better or for worse, neither of you spoke much that day. ivan didn’t know what to say, while you remain as silent as you always were, fiddling with your sleeve. the tension was still omnipresent, but it didn’t feel as oppressive. it didn’t feel like a single misstep would send you over the edge. neither of you tried to meet each other’s eyes, but it almost felt like your avoidance was due to your chagrin at your past actions. your eyebrows knitted in contrition and you tapped your fingers absentmindedly on the sheets.

ivan sighed. he had decided to call it a day, happy enough to see that you were still alive and doing more or less ok. the young man wondered if he always felt this tired. he had stepped off to leave when you spoke up on your own initiative: « i’m sorry. »

your voice had been small, and he probably wouldn’t have heard it if the room wasn’t so depressingly silent. but despite the meekness of your own voice, your sincerity came through.

« i’m sorry. you said again, this time louder. i shouldn’t have been so crass… with you. » your expression was twisted in penitence. « i assumed the worst out of the situation when you’ve been nothing but accommodating with me. you paused. despite your good intentions, i continued to make disparaging remarks about you. i’m really sorry… »

without realising it, the blond had walked back over to your bed and started on his side of the apology, which he stuttered out: « i… it was… i deserved it, for making you upset… »

you smiled, but it didn't reach your eyes, almost like you tried to allow yourself to believe a well-intentioned lie, but couldn’t. you smiled and said nothing, moving instead to hold his hand tenderly in yours as a peace treaty. « if…. you can find it in your heart to forgive me, i would like to start over and give you a chance. you met his eyes, and he was relieved to see that they did not hold a single strand of malice. rather, you smiled. smiled so earnestly it hurt his heart. thank you so much for coming back. »

ever since, you’ve even started cracking your own jokes and no longer scrutinised his words seriously, almost as if you were trying to dissect each one of them. he happily listens to you jabber on about the new book you read, what you happened to have heard in passing while conversing with the medical staff or while being idle in the garden, and what was discussed on the news. anything. and he listened happily. because if you were talking, it meant you were happy. if you were happy, then it meant that you were hopefully getting better.

like night and day. from dispirited to lively.

he’s happy seeing you thriving.

even if he was lying to you by pretending to be your lover, he told himself it was worth it. it made you happy. it helped you. he’s helping you. this ruse is only done in good faith. if it were to make you smile, if it were to help you brighten up, then all his lies and deceptions could be forgiven, he rationalised.

« a successful rescue! as expected from the king of heroes: barnaby brooks jr! »

the announcer emphatically shouted. that train of thought halted, and ivan’s eyes flicked to the screen in the corner of the room.

‘must be a rerun from yesterday’s arrest.’ he mused, as the tv quickly changed camera, showcasing the past event in all its chaotic glory.

« he’s incredible isn’t he? your voice drew his attention back to you and he tilted his head. – barnaby? his voice wavered. »

it was an innocuous statement, but somehow the blond felt his heart crack a little. barnaby deserved to be crowned the king of heroes: he was strong, reliable, confident, everything he was not. barnaby’s power can be used to help people, unlike his. it made sense that he would be the hero everyone favoured, including you. go figure, seeing as barnaby was also very popular back at the academy. in a stroke of selfishness that made him hate himself, ivan had hoped that, somehow, he would’ve been your favourite hero. but there wasn’t any chance of that being true if he were realistic. he should’ve known better. despite his best efforts, he never really did manage to do more. to pull his weight. he blended in the background, with a passivity not befitting a hero.

unknowingly, he let out a heavy sigh. if only he were better. if only he were more like barnaby, or the other heroes. if only he were marginally as incorruptible as wild tiger, as self-assured as blue rose, as resilient as fire emblem, as steadfast as sky high, as tireless as dragon kid, as tenacious as rock bison. if only he were better. if only he were someone else, but him.

someone who could genuinely make you happier without having to disguise himself as somebody else.

he teared his eyes away from you to look elsewhere as he responded: « yeah, he’s really amazing. he hoped his voice didn’t betray how disheartened he was. the blond wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable. you tilted your head quizzically. – i admit, he and his partner are quite enjoyable to watch. was it possible for his heart to drop even lower? but they’re not who i’m referring to. you completed with a chuckle. – oh? he asked, half curious and half worried. – i was actually, um, it was your turn to be sheepish, faltering, as you meet his eyes. talking about origami cyclone… it actually took him a few moments before it registered in his head that you were talking about him, though it only filled him with more confusion when he did. – but why? he asked incredulously. – but why not? you parroted with a laugh. i think his kabuki themed costume is pretty cool… it must be super intricate! you remembered when you saw it in person, how you found yourself fawning over it and its design. not to mention, his ability is also super impressive! can you imagine? he can camouflage himself anywhere! – but he’s not much of a hero… he mumbled. what could he do with that kind of ability? besides, all he does is just stay in the background… – photobombing like a pro, as usual we can see origami cyclone lurking in the background! with oddly perfect timing, the host cuts in to announce the points origami had gathered (or lack thereof). despite revving up his ad appeal, he has not earned any points! acting as if the announcement helped ivan make his point, he resumed avoiding your eyes, focusing on the one tile that suddenly looked very interesting. »

sensing the prolonged silence, ivan gave up expecting a response from your part. he doesn’t know if that makes him feel better or worse. he’s scared of what you might say, but he’s equally as terrified of the implication of your silence.

« so what if he stays in the background? your resolute tone caught him off guard, and he peered at you with wide eyes. i don’t think that makes him any less of a hero than the rest. your conviction astounded him. he’s able to help and contribute in ways the other heroes can’t. sure, maybe in terms of strength he couldn’t compare to, say, wild tiger, but during a recon mission or in situations where one is required to sneak into an enemy territory he would excel above every other hero. he’s not a power type next and he can’t control the elements, so it wouldn’t be fair to compare him to what barnaby could do with his hundred power or what blue rose could do with her ice manipulation. it would be like comparing a cat’s ability to fly with those of a bird.

besides, i’m sure there’s something only origami can do!

you took a small moment to choose your words, contemplating whether you should continue or not, but after a small pause, you decided to do so. this time, however, your voice was much smaller. he would even qualify it as timid.

when, um… after our fight, he came over to visit me. i mean, i know it was probably some planned activity for the campaign, but… it still made me happy, regardless. and even after that, he kept checking up on me during the rest of the event, trying to cheer me up and make me laugh with his antics. tried to get me talking, you know? you shook your head. i guess my miserable self must’ve been very obvious… you laughed dryly. i applaud him for bearing with me for such a long time: i must’ve been such a pain to deal with during the first few days. i admit i felt a little bad taking up his time like that, but for what it’s worth he managed to lift my spirits and his visits made my day just a little brighter.

so even if it doesn’t seem like he’s doing much on herotv, i believe that he’s a kind, and loyal person—the type who wouldn’t easily abandon or give up on others. and i think that that is what makes him a real hero, not points on a tv show. »

« i’m sorry, that must’ve been very corny… you scratched the back of your neck. »

it took him a moment to fully process what you had just said, and took the blond another to fully consider your words. a part of him didn’t—couldn’t—believe you: there was no way you thought that way about a loser like him, right? but a grateful smile bloomed on his face, nonetheless.

« huh… he acknowledged. yeah… he agreed. i guess you’re right, love. even so, he allowed himself to believe your words. »

you hummed happily, pleased at winning this “argument”, and took to rest your head on his shoulder. he had gotten used to your affectionate nature, no longer finding himself flustered beyond words when you shifted closer to him and leaned into his side, nestling yourself comfortably within his arms. willingly, he wrapped his arms around your middle and carefully laced his fingers with yours. he let out a content sigh. his hand fitted perfectly around yours. you nuzzled his hair. there was no one else he’d rather be with, he belonged with you. your presence brought peace to his mind, your words always managing to reassure his turbulent thoughts and ease away his anxieties. truthfully, your presence comforted him in ways he couldn’t understand.

he wonders when you stopped needing him and he started needing you.

it’s hardly the right place to consider it, but he wished he could just capture and relive this one perfect moment—you, in his arms, humming a charming tune, stopping once in a while whenever you wanted to share an interesting trivia encountered during your reading. him, cradling you, watching over you quietly, attentively listening to what you said while he reveled in the time he got to share with you—over and over again. he wished he could stay in this one perfect, idyllic, moment and continue pretending.

close his eyes and pretend.

pretend everything was alright. pretend that this is where he belonged. pretend that he wasn’t lying to you. pretend that this was right.

but he was here to make sure of something right?

« oh, and by the way, do you know when you’ll be released? – hmm? ivan didn’t like the jarring silence that followed when you halted your humming. ...oh. your voice sounded disappointed and you seemed hesitant to tell him the truth. well, if everything went well they said i could go home tomorrow morning or afternoon. »

tomorrow?

« oh. » ivan responded, his voice tinted with a finality that concerned you.

he had decided that he’ll tell you once you were released, didn’t he?

he’d have to tell you the truth by tomorrow.

« but look taylor, it’s not all bad! you sensed that the mood had shifted downwards and you tried to lift it back up. once we’re out of here you can help me pick out a cane that’ll match with my style, maybe a colour that brings out my eyes. – yeah… »

he tried to sound enthused, but he doesn’t think that he fooled you. if you weren’t, you didn’t say anything.

the conversation had died out, and neither of you were particularly keen on trying to resuscitate it, so you both simply appreciated each other’s presence in a comfortable silence. or at least tried to.

this was a much harder feat for taylor, consumed by their own thoughts.

“taylor”. that’s what you called them. but wait, no, he was ivan.

that’s right, he’s disguised as your past lover wasn’t he? so yes, he was called taylor. that was the right name to call him by.

but he wondered how his name would sound with your enchanting voice. my name is ivan. he needs to tell you the truth. please say it?

oh god he needed to tell you the truth didn’t he?

he wanted to pretend that the person you were spending so much time with and pouring your heart to was him. he wished the skin you kissed were his, the hair you’d run your fingers through were his, the person you derived so much comfort from was him, the name coming from your lips were his.

but that wasn’t the case, was it? this wasn’t him. the skin you kissed wasn't his. the hair you played with wasn't his. the person that always made you happier wasn’t him. the name you called adoringly wasn’t his. the hand yours fitted so perfectly in wasn’t his, it was taylor’s. none of this was ever his. they were all taylor’s. this was taylor’s body. this wasn’t his body.

this wasn’t his body. this wasn’t his body. it made him so viscerally aware of the fact that none of this is real. it made the shapeshifter’s skin crawl. that’s right, none of this is real. he’s not meant to be with you. it’s all a lie. he wasn’t the one who you’d choose to share these intimate moments with. he wasn’t the one you were so eager to see. he wasn’t the one you had feelings for. was your closeness always this restrictive? his breath quickened. the impostor wanted to tear his skin off. he can’t breathe. he stopped himself from gasping for air, not wanting to out himself to you. his mind raced. he didn’t want to be here. he wanted to be here, but he needed to be elsewhere. he can’t stay here. he needed to go. his pulse ran wild.

he can’t breathe.

he can’t breathe.

« taylor? »

he snapped out from whatever trance he was in and his eyes slid over to where you were. noticing the tension that had gathered in his arm, he quickly let go of your hands—unhanding you as if he were holding an intense heat which seared his hand, which was what your prolonged contact started feeling like. your touch had set his skin on fire, making it painful. he must’ve started gripping at them tighter than he meant, than what would’ve been comfortable, because you instinctively massaged your wrist as soon as he let go.

« y-yeah… i’m so sorry, i’m r-really sor— he stammered, still trying to get his breathing, and voice, under control. – you look tired. you lifted yourself off of him and he didn’t protest against the separation, letting his arm flop uselessly. i think you should get some rest… your voice was tinged with worry. »

moving much too fast and much too slow for his liking, than what was considered normal, ivan stood up.

« u-uh, yeah… i think i’ll do just that… see you tomorrow... »

his voice didn’t sound confident. you didn’t seem to buy his promise. but too drained to rectify whatever had happened, the blond found his way out of the room.

what had happened to the peace that followed spending time with you? inhale and exhale, in and out. he needs to tell you the truth, and soon. everything will be ok, everything will be ok, everything will be ok. he can’t keep going like this, and it’s not fair for you either.

ivan stops in his tracks. his reflection on the glass pane beside him seemed to mock him. he frowns. he hates the person he sees in the mirror.

a/n: feel free to decide for yourself who that person in the mirror is lmao

LIKE MY WORK? CONSIDER BUYING ME A COFFEE // CHECKING OUT MY MASTERLIST | LINKS CAN BE FOUND ON MY DESC

[midnight-in-town]

hi acchan, i hope you dont mind me asking something about seiakiramon. i dont get why some people blaming akira for not searching for seidou. i mean, its not like she knows about his true feelings (we as readers know, but akira doesnt), all she knows is that the last time they met, he tried to kill her, yet she shielded him and confessed to him. when she woke up, her whole world had changed, but the reason why her world changed had gone. not even a goodbye. now, if i were akira, cont.

Hello Anon! And don’t worry, I don’t mind. :)

The thing is, I am kind of shocked because I don’t recall ever reading that Akira in particular was to be blamed when it comes to Seidou leaving on his own? I surely missed those posts then and tbh I’m glad I did, because that is just plain bullshit (as always, you’ll note that #it-gotta-be-the-girl’s-fault, how original). 

Myself, I wrote and reblogged quite a lot about the Seiakiramon dynamic (because it’s one of my favorite in TG) and basically, from my point of view and as described in these posts, Amon, Akira and Seidou are all to be blamed for the state of their current trio/dynamic.

Just take a look at ch117-121, it’s so plainly evident that I don’t even get the idea of why it has to be only Akira’s fault:

Amon and Seidou saw their own situations changing 4 years ago, because of the ghoulification experiments, when for Akira it happened in the span of a few minutes a month ago…

…when for once she listened to her own feelings and not just to her duty. 

Basically, if anyone needs one quote to fully understand what Akira’s character is all about, it’s this one:

It’s this quote that allows everyone to understand why exactly she saved Takizawa in the first place: Akira always used to cling to the past, so as to not feel completely empty because she couldn’t help losing people over and over again, which is precisely something that she cannot do anymore by the mini arc of ch117-121, all because she shielded Takizawa. 

(under read more because of length)

She used to cling to her dad -> he died, so she clung to the CCG and, even though the CCG cannot be her pillar of strength anymore, by confronting Touka and Hinami she can’t even cling to her hatred of ghouls anymore either, which is why she’s so lost at the time of ch121.

She used to cling to Amon and Takizawa and had feelings for them -> they disappeared so she clung to her new partner, Haise, except that he “died” to become Kaneki, an enemy of the CCG. However, she herself is now an enemy of the CCG because she shielded Takizawa, which goes back to the point above.

In short:

Akira is understandably lost because she was raised to be a ghoul killer and, not only did she shield one of them out of pure raw feelings because she never could let go of who he used to be for her in the past, but she now can’t hate ghouls anymore either and became an enemy of the corporation she and her parents used to work for. 

Now, about the Seiakiramon dynamic itself by the time of ch121:

Seidou is to blame for chickening and refusing to go see Akira once she woke up

Seidou is to blame for not even being able to talk to Amon after saving him and trying to give him his cross back through Kaneki

Akira is to blame for not asking after Seidou

Akira is to blame for refusing to talk to Amon and Kaneki until she confronted Touka and Hinami

Amon is to blame for not going to talk to Seidou

Amon is to blame for not really acknowledging his own situation of being a OEG

Now I say that, but obviously they all have their reasons for acting the way they did, which is why “blaming them” is too harsh a verb in my opinion.

In Akira’s case, it’s what I explained above: she clung to the past until she couldn’t anymore and now she has to process her new situation (triggered by her saving Takizawa). She doesn’t hate ghouls anymore, but she’s not yet ready to fight for them and thus she has to find her own place in this world.

In Amon’s case, even though he learnt to live as a OEG for the last 4 years, he is still not fully accepting his situation (cannibalizing instead of eating humans for example), which is why he’s still not completely ready to fight for the ghouls’ side (as he told Kaneki) and it’s all because of his childhood trauma. 

Amon is a victim of Donato Porpora, as much as the kids Donato and him killed, and through this horrific childhood, he came to hate ghouls because of Donato’s example, which is why Mado Kureo was and still is a good role model in his eyes.

Still, Kaneki is the person who taught Amon that not all ghouls were like Donato but, because of what Donato put him through and Amon not being ready to forgive himself (as symbolized by his cross), to this day Amon still refuses to fight for the ghouls’ side…

…preferring to keep on seeing himself as who he used to be as a ghoul investigator and thus refusing to face the CCG, unless it is to save people he cares about (ex-investigators most of the time). 

What’s important for Amon is to keep on doing what he thinks is right…

Because he’s still conflicted as to what he should do (as a OEG still not ready to choose the ghouls’ side) and what he should feel (hating Donato and looking up to Mado Kureo, but still harboring something besides hatred for Donato), compared to his past self who was human and thus had a more understandable place in this world.

Finally, when it comes to Seidou, he’s actually the only one out of these three who moved on at some point during the last 4 years and who doesn’t intend on clinging onto the past anymore, not even to his feelings for Amon and Akira.

In that, Seidou’s resolve is way more impressive than Amon’s or Akira’s, because he now sees himself as what he has been for the last 4 years:

And because he is moving on, his feelings for Akira and Amon evolved too and he stopped having resentment towards them to switch for redemption…

And redemption includes him thinking that they would be better off without him because he decided to live on as a ghoul, thus shouldering all of “his sins” so far, whereas Amon still saw him as a ghoul investigator during Rushima arc and Akira as her old comrade from before the Anteiku raid arc. 

So you see, as with Kaneki and Touka (another fav dynamic of mine), the problem here is with miscommunication: Akira, Amon and Seidou are still intertwining all together, forever linked by their feelings, but the fact that they’re conflicted about their respective situation is making it hard to solve their also conflicted feelings about one another:

Akira never could forgive herself for losing Takizawa at the same time as Amon when she could have stopped him and that’s why she saved him. At the same time saving him changed her whole life and it’s hard to admit it and face him as a result, which is why she’s just starting to realize that she should find a new way to live in order to be able to accept her feelings for both Amon and Takizawa.

Amon still can’t forgive himself for never being strong enough to stand up against Donato, thus he still has a bias against the ghoul kind and that’s why he can’t fully accept being a OEG, unlike Seidou.At the same time, it’s because Amon had the time to face his own emptiness after becoming a OEG that he can now say that he wants to live by doing what’s right and that’s also why he can support Akira, as he said in ch121.

Takizawa is the only one who moved on from the past, because he knows he doesn’t have the right to hope going back after what he did as a OEG, so as a result he decided to live on as a ghoul. At the same time, it’s because he’s moving on to find redemption and to turn his back to his past as an investigator that he wrongly believes that Amon and Akira would be better off without him. Hence why he left in ch118 without being able to talk to either of them.

At this point, it’s because the three of them are so opposed in their current way of living that it’s hard for them to confront each other: the past can’t be reached anymore for the three of them because the present is too drastically different, but the future still is seen in a negative light because it’s never going to be the past.

The only thing is that Amon and Akira decided to support each other because they’re not ready to completely stop hoping about going back to the past (at least where their feelings are concerned), while Seidou convinced himself that moving on was the only way he had to keep the right to care about making sure Amon and Akira could be happy (”when your own future has gone to shit, all you have left is to live for someone else”).

I also reblogged a lot of great posts about Seiakiramon dynamic, Anon! So if anything is unclear feel free to check the tag on my blog. :) I hope I at least managed to convey somewhat properly why it’s not anyone’s fault in particular but rather the whole dynamic that is complex, because their feelings for now can’t be taken independently from how they intend on living their lives:

Akira has no idea about what to do, what to feel and whom to fight for.

Amon wants to do “what’s right” and he can’t side with either the CCG or the ghouls. 

Seidou decided to live on as a ghoul, but you’ll notice that he’s not joining Kaneki’s rebellion because, despite seeing himself as such, he doesn’t really care about other ghouls and coexistence.

That’s why it’s important for Akira and Amon and Seidou to confront Takizawa: for now, by supporting each other, they stay on the idea that going back to the past (at least where their feelings are concerned) is possible, while this idea couldn’t be less away from Seidou’s mind at the moment, because he’s the only one who fully moved on and accepted his new situation to find redemption. 

Paradoxically, while Amon and Akira are 100% acknowledging their feelings for their little trio (see Akira putting Amon and Takizawa on the exact same level when it comes to her past feelings for them and Amon never despising Seidou), Seidou still has some kind of inferiority complex that makes him think that Akira and Amon are better off without him. That is why he says he wants to live for their sake, forsaking his own happiness through his idea of redemption when the other two never did that.

TL;DR it’s not over and it’s not Akira’s fault that Seidou left but his own because he decided that he had no place next to Amon and Akira (when he does, otherwise Akira and Amon wouldn’t have saved him in the first place).

Sorry it got suuuuper long, but I like Seiakiramon way too much and so I rambled. :/ I hope it’s understandable, have a nice day, Anon!

[l-in-c-future]

Book reading: China’s Crony Capitalism:the Dynamics of Regime Decay by Minxin Pei

It is a valuable book which filled up research study gaps in studying about state corruptions and destructive state-directed/dictated capitalism of China as stated in the introduction chapter:

“Although collusive corruption poses a serious of threat to the sustainability of China’s economic development and the survival of CCP, this phenomenon has been largely overlooked in the abundant literature of ‘red capitalism’ and ‘corruption’. Research on red capitalism, led by Bruce Dickson, focuses exclusively on shared political values and policy priorities between entrepreneurs and local officials, but does not explore how their close political relationship is exploited to generate mutual economic benefits. Research on corruption since 1989 has covered the types, participants, intensity, empirical measurements and causes of corruption, efforts to fight corruption and effects of corruption on economic growth. To be sure, some scholars have produced informative cases of collusive corruptions, such as maiguan and maiguan (buying and selling official positions through briberies) and protection of organized crimes. But these studies fail to explore its theoretical and substantive importance in Chinese context. Among the few researches who have studied collusive corruption, GONG Ting provides the first systematic analysis of the phenomenon. However, Gong does not address a critical question: why collusive corruption was rare before the 1990s but has become prevalent since then.

The lack of attention in existing literature to the institutional origins of collusive corruption and its behavioural characteristics means that we do not have a good understanding of how “reform and opening” in the post Mao era has endangered a destructive combination of authoritarian rule and crony capitalism. Equally important, our insufficient understanding of the dynamics of the collusion may deprive us the knowledge about the internal decay process in China’s late- Leninist regime.

Collusive corruption, in theory as well as in practice, is more destructive than individual corruption because such behaviour destroys the organization and nomadic fabric of the state, increases the difficulty of detection, and produces greater financial gains for its perpetrators. Due to the greater predatory capabilities possessed by elites engaged in collusive corruption, local governments penetrated by these elites unavoidably experience degradation in provision of public goods (my note-and in cases experiencing weakening powers of exercising effective transparent, just and fair governance). In the worst case, corruption networks (my note-or collusion networks) consists of government officials, businessmen, and gangsters, seize control of these jurisdictions and turn them into marfia states.  Another harmful effect of collusive corruption by local elites is that such behaviours fuels the state and the society.  In jurisdiction that have fallen prey to collusive elites who systematically abuse their power, tensions between the public and local authorities are more likely to arise and results in more frequent riot and violent clashes between the public and the authorities.”

These few passages not only succinctly laid out why Dr. Pei’s book provides additional insights to understand China’s crony capitalism, it actually explains why the spread of such decaying crony capitalism to HK after 1997, especially during the CY Leung and currently Lam-Cheng’s administrations, have caused rapid deterioration of Sino-HK relationship, the broken trust and disfranchisement in HK society, increasingly hostility between China controlled the pro-establishment camp and the pan-democratic camp (later typically being stereotyped as ‘non-constructive’ “opponent party”) and the outbreaks of certain violent clashes in some protests cases in recent years. China and their agents in HK all fail to recognize their responsibilities in spreading of the decays to HK causing increasing inequities in the society and the exponential regression of governance in HK due to their over interferences in HK’s domestic affairs that are the root causes of many problems. Instead, in every round, Xi Jin Ping makes fatal misjudgments basing on his own strong man heavy hands for everything as solutions bias and the reinforced bias he received from the colluted elites who only present distort reports to him for their own selfish gains. Fundamentally, China doesn’t even know what makes HK successful in all these years as an international financial center. Their understanding of HK as a colony of British was seriously outdated building upon the carnality of their 19th century Leninism view of the capitalist world basing on the bitterness and resentments of the historical wounds of their own ‘great humiliation’ past that reinforces further hatred and revenge approach of obsessiveness to restore some lost ‘glorious past’ manifested by Xi’s China zealous nationalism. 

China fails to recognise many constructive things the Bristish-HK government did to improve social justice since the MacLehose era after they learnt the hard lessons of 1967 riots, ironically stirred up and catalysed by the communists, caused by inequalities and the corruption in the then HK. Of course, China fails to keep up with the paces of democratic progression that witnessed in some former post communist countries in Europe that has led to much better economic and democratic political reforms together that provided more rooms for citizens to supervise the governments. Sharply on the contrast, the autocratic elites within CCP tightly grip power since 1949. After the Tienanmen massacre, the political elites bargained a false illusion to settle the affairs for privatization of state power to the ‘compliant’ and ‘co-operative’ elites to seize control and benefits of resources. That was what Jiang Zemin and his post 89 period began a new age of ‘shut up and gain money’ as everything. It was how the toxic of crony capitalism began to bury all cancerous seeds.

But the book also said why China can be so easily fallen into another illusion in the process: the intensive power competition within the ruling elites NEVER cease, crony capitalism only makes things worst. At some stage, a strongman can arise taking advantage of the destructive effects caused by elite collusion-widespread corruption-as an excuse to seize power by hoisting up ‘anti-corruption’ political campaigns as political weapons to wipe out his political enemies and then concentrates all the ruling power to his own hands. Exactly, this is what happens through the Xi era. The final step the world has witnessed is he finally makes himself a life long dictator Mao 2.0. Dr Pei’s book was written years before this actually took place. Proven his analysis and insight was timely true and valid regarding China.

[rcisehcll]

the inquisition || simon && magnus && clary

also known as the one where magnus, simon, and clary, talk about their feelings.

@notanythcng @unexpectedtrajectories

clary when she had received an invitation from simon to meet him at one of his favourite restaurants, she hadn't really been certain what magnus wanted to talk about. things seemed to be improving, especially where alec was concerned. and magnus was designing again. walking inside with simon, she looks to her best friend. "did magnus say what he wanted to talk about?" 

Simon was running late. as per usual. with his car now safely tucked away in the shop across town he had to rely on public transit - a system which wasn't as reliable as they liked to proclaim they were. thankfully both of his best friends ​also​ had a habit of being late and he smiled when he saw clary, kissing her on the cheek as he met her outside the restaurant. "hi. uh, it was just to get lunch i think?" he shrugged, trying to remember what magnus had said earlier. "i was spazzing and he said we should all get lunch. on him." 

clary smiles at simon, giving him a side hug. "things seem - good right now. he's designing again." she tells simon. "and not just - a few designs here and there. he's really designing." pride seemed to seize the younger fairchild as she made the statement. "and he even agreed to come to your favourite place." 

Simon couldn't help but share the sentiment - seeing magnus happy made him happy. "he mentioned it earlier, that he was designing again." he clarified. "he's really good. he never should have given it up." he knew why of course, they both did, but it was great to hear that he'd found some ​inspiration​ again. he deserved it, more than anyone. "he was being nice. almost too nice. which, don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining about," he added with a laugh, "it's just weird. i'm used to being relentlessly mocked. change is weird. super weird." 

clary "i actually asked him to design the dress i'm wearing to becca's wedding." of course, she was now well aware why magnus had stopped designing. although she had always try to get him back on the horse, so to speak. "i told him that if he can design something today, then he should should go for it this time." "maybe he's just in a good mood - he has a lot to be happy about," clary surmised. "i think alec is really good for him."

magnus knew he was probably late, but he'd let the kids watch another episode of project runway and gotten coffee before finally making his way to their meeting place---- he was the type to show up late and make an entrance. it was just who magnus was. but there was a lightness to his steps and a shine in his eyes that was unusual ; he looked younger, happier. he felt good. which was why he'd suggested they went to simon's favourite place, even though he wasn't very fond of it. as long as he was with simon and clary, though, it was perfect. sneaking up behind them, the man wrapped an arm around each of them, kissing their cheeks. "are you conspiring against me?" 

clary although she hadn't seen magnus walk up to them, she simply assumed when an arm was wrapped around her and a kiss placed to her cheek, her brother had arrived. "we were just talking about how great it is that you're designing again." 

Simon wasn't as prone to assumptions as clary, nearly jumping out of his skin when someone wrapped an arm around him. they lived in new york, after all - you could never be too safe. "jes -- oh, it's just you." he visibly relaxed when he saw that it was magnus, shaking his head. "conspiring against you? no. but i might now that you've taken ​ten years​ off of my life." despite his words there was no heat to them, a lazy smile on his face as he shook his head. 

magnus shot his sister a glare that came off more playful than anything else, shaking his head--- not letting go of them as he spoke. "i'm not ​designing​, we've been through this. i just doodle more." chuckling at simon, magnus nudged their heads together, shrugging absentmindedly---- he wanted to yell for details of the man's date with raphael but there was time for that. it felt nice to be there, just the three times. like old times. it was familiar, and while magnus was thankful for the new people in their collective lives, he missed this. "you take ten years off your life daily, with all the coffee you drink, and all the stressing you do. i just sped up the process a little bit more." 

clary her eyebrows raise in a similarly playful manner as she catches the glare her brother sending her way. "doodles of designs. and remember our agreement." she almost appears stern momentarily, but then the same goofy, wide smile is on her face. stretching up to her eyes as it occupies her face. "he's right, simon. although he does have to deal with maureen daily." 

Simon let out a strangled sigh. "yeah, if maureen has her way I won't make it through the end of the week." he winced. "and I'll have you know, coffee is good for you. it's natural. ish." 

magnus shook his head at his sister, rolling his eyes and deciding to see if she'd let it go. the comments on maureen, however, made the man laugh ; letting go of them and nudging simon with his shoulder. "let maureen be, you had it coming. it's a good thing she's still keen on fucking you over, though, i knew i liked her." an eyebrow arched as magnus moved to actually enter the restaurant. "i love coffee, but there are limits. with your anxiety and the amount you have every day, you'll be dead before you're 30." 

clary of course, clary had absolutely no intention of letting it go. and she hoped that her best friend was like minded. nudging her brother in his comments. "maureen became the she devil after they broke up - and it's literally been over a year." she defends, always fighting in simon's corner. ( she doesn't think a day will ever come where that is not the case. ) "but he's right. you drink way too much coffee. and the fact that we keep meeting at that coffee place near the loft is not helping."

Simon was starting to feel a little attacked. "hey," he protested, "coffee, in the grand scheme of things, isn't the worst thing I could be pounding back." and while he had to agree with clary's comments about maureen he was hesitant to keep going - he'd made his bed when they'd broken up with little to no notice, having thought he was in love with his best friend. he hasn't been, of course, but maureen had never moved past it. her hatred towards clary had never waned either. "but hey, weren't we talking about magnus? yeah, let's go back to that!"

magnus laughed, wiggling his eyebrows at simon although there was a toughness to his glare. "it isn't, but it also isn't the best thing you could be pounding ​at​." shaking his head, the older man didn't really bother stopping as he saw a fairly empty room ( clearly, who would have lunch here? ) and found them a table, ready to deflect the conversation from him. "magnus is here, therefore you cannot talk about him. let's talk about you and raphael. or clary and izzy."

Simon blanched at magnus' words, shaking his head. "that's not a visual i needed." he commented as they made their way to their seats, hoping that the hostess hadn't heard their friend's ​crass​ comments. "i vote we talk about clary and izzy. that sounds like a great idea." and if it meant that he didn't have to talk about himself, well, it was an added bonus. 

clary couldn't help but feel a little bad for her best friend. he had essentially asked for that. "you did walk right into it." making her way to their seats and settling herself, raising an eyebrow when it was suggested that they discuss her romantic relationship. "i vote we talk about you and raphael. magnus?" looking at her brother as the deciding vote. she really didn't want to talk about herself.

magnus tapped his fingers against the table for a moment, eyeing the two and trying to make a decision---- ultimately, he had a feeling that he would end up lecturing them but who first? "he could walk his dick into raphael, that would make everyone happier. so i guess that's where we're starting. saphael." 

Simon choked on his words as he stammered out what sounded like an unintelligent string of noises, unable to form a coherent string of thought. "um,' he interjected, head shaking emphatically, "this is not - we're not talking about that. my sex life is off the table." he reached for the menu on the table and flipped it open, more-so for the distraction than actually needing to look at it. "and stop calling us saphael. it's weird. we're not even together." the ​yet​ is unspoken but he hopes - prays, even - that magnus will let it go. he was sure he'd be disappointed. 

clary eyes would go wide at her brother, if she wasn't already so used to his antics. nothing was sacred to her brother - they could discuss hard sex over the family table and nothing would be out of the ordinary. "he calls izzy and i 'clizzy' too. and we're not even together." she flips open her own menu, perusing it althought it is a simple fact. herself and isabelle lightwood were not technically together. 

Simon shakes his head, pointing out the obvious. "you'be basically been together since the night you met. semantics." 

clary "in that case, so have you and raphael." she counters, a little immature. looking up at her best friend with a testing glance. 

magnus rolled his eyes, snapping his fingers to get their full attention. "you're both idiots." 

clary looking at her brother across the table, she leans over and raises an eyebrow. "you say that all the time, magnus." 

Simon rolled his eyes. "no, we're fake together. it's different. and," he pointed at magnus, "i resent that." 

magnus knew that he'd learnt to whistle loudly for a reason, and he did so while ignoring the looks the waitress gave him. "will you two act like the 20 year old adults you are?" nodding, he leaned back on his chair. "i mean it, this time. you're being ridiculously stupid, and i'm here to stop it." 

Simon felt like a chastised child when magnus whistled, shrinking down in his chair to avoid any eyes that were being trained on them. "i don't know what you're talking about." he argued, raising his eyebrows. "who's being stupid?"

clary is startled by both the whistle itself and the volume of it, looking over at her brother. "come on, magnus. don't you think you're overreacting?" she leans back into her chair. "we're taking our time with raphael, and with izzy. there's nothing wrong with that."

magnus snorted at clary, shaking his head and honestly feeling offended at the implication that he was being dramatic, which he wasn't. his face also showed how serious he was, and his eyes travelled from one of his siblings to the other. "you're not taking your time, you're being fucking idiots. ​you​," he nodded at clary. "are so in love it's actually disgusting. but instead of actually getting your shit together and admitting that, you're dancing around the subject for no good goddamned reason and wasting time you could be spending with your ​girlfriend​. and ​​you​​," he shook his head as he turned to simon, arching a brow. "i'm not sure what you're afraid of, exactly, but it would do you some good to get the fuck over it, because like miss genius over there you're just wasting time. you're falling in love with raphael, he's falling for you and the more you fight it, the more you increase the chances of fucking it up. not everyone finds ​the one​, ​asswipes​, but you did. so, get your shit together and hold onto them. ​for fuck's sake​."

Simon knew that magnus' words came from a place of love but that didn't make them any easier to hear. realistically he knew that it was ridiculous to even try to claim that he and raphael were just fake dating, that real feelings hadn't cropped up unexpectedly, but admitting that out loud was another thing all together. instead he shifted uncomfortably under the gaze of someone he considered a brother, avoiding eye contact as he sighed. he ​hated​ it when magnus was right. "i asked him out," he reminded them both, straightening up slightly in his seat. "i'm not - i'm not ​stupid​. i know that maybe there's a chance something could happen, but," he shrugged, "it's too soon to say. i don't want to rush things - or ​screw​ it up. which i'm good at." he added. "really, really, good at. you know this. you both do." 

clary speechlessness overcomes her. in all her life, and having known her brother for most of it, he'd actually suceeded in surprising her. perhaps one of the causes of her speechlessness is also the rational assertion that magnus is right. they're both dancing around the people they're starting to love, and how much they're starting to love them. as if she hadn't actually asked isabelle to be her girlfriend yet. she'll just -- let simon speak for right now as she processes everything she'd previously pushed aside.

magnus pursed his lips at simon and shook his head---- not saying much but hoping he’d get somewhere with him. “simon, i have a clock above my head when it comes to alexander. but you know what? i’ll take the time i can with a person i’m falling in love with, because i don’t want to end up wondering what could have been. don’t be that guy. do you know what the opposite of love is?” 

Simon raised his eyebrows. "first of all, there's no clock above your head - alec ​likes​ you. there's no axe waiting to swing down and," he gestured across his neck, eyes wide, "y'know, off you." but he knew that despite his words, the spotlight wasn't going to be turned off of him. whether he liked it or not, this conversation was happening. "i'm guessing it's not hate - too obvious. maybe indifference?"

magnus waved a hand in the air, dismissing simon's words because he frankly wasn't going to get into that. he'd accepted his fate, and welcomed it if it meant he got some time with alexander. "it's fear. that's the opposite of love. and hey, fear is normal and okay---- god knows i run on a constant stare of fucking panic, but you can't let that shit run your life or you're just going to be miserable. and that's what you're letting it do, and i'm not going to sit here and pat you on the back for it. be afraid, but don't find a way to regret not doing anything for the rest of your life. ​that​ is what breaks people. regret." 20:31

clary she thinks that it will be good for simon to hear all of this in the long run, hell it's even good for her. magnus never told them the things they wanted to hear, but he always told them what they needed to hear. galvanized them to act, or to refrain from acting. and it could kill them or anger them at the time but later, it was always better. "he's right." she finally speaks up. and with that releases a breath. 

Simon resisted the urge to point out that fear was definitely ​not​ the opposite of love - when it came to all things grammar, and logic - because he had a feeling that wasn't the point that he was trying to make. what made matters worse was that he was right and it was a fact that simon had been sidestepping ever since the night he'd met raphael in the campus bar. maybe he was afraid to fall in love - ​really​ fall - and that was why he'd always gone for people he knew there was no chance at a future with. clary, maureen, ​jace​ - feelings destined to fizzle out before they ever became something real. but this was different, and different was terrifying. he didn't need magnus to spell it out plain as day for him to realize that. { or maybe he did, seeing as it had taken him this long to acknowledge it. } "i hate it when magnus is right." simon muttered under his breath, shoulders slumped as he pursed his lips. "i really hate it. like, almost as i much as i hate that movie - what was it, prometheus? it ​ruined​ the alien franchise, you know. there's no forgiving that."

magnus snapped his fingers again, arching an eyebrow at simon that clearly said 'excuse me, back to the conversation'. 

Simon shrugged helplessly. "i said you were right - what more do you want from me?"

magnus sighed, an actual tired sigh, shaking his head. "i want you to get your head out of your ass, simon. i know i'm right, that's not the point of this. the point is that you realise that it's okay to talk about things---- think about it like therapy. you're the one who took me, now you get the backlash." 

Simon wanted to regret that but he couldn't. if this was the price he had to pay to ensure that magnus was taking care of himself, he'd pay it time and again. "joy." he grumbled, a hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck. "i don't know what - hey, why do you ​always​ want to have serious conversations in public? that's weird, buddy. this is a 'in the safety of your own home' kind of conversation. in a safe space, if you will." he looked at clary hoping for some back up, but not expecting to find any. not that he'd blame her - why throw yourself into the fire unnecessarily? "i like him. okay? there, i've said it. i like him. i like him a lot." he swallowed thickly, the reality of the words washing over him like ice cold water, flooding his veins as he struggled to speak. "and that's - he's," a pause, a frustrated hum lodging itself in his throat, "he's one of the best people i've ever met. he's an asshole, don't get me wrong," and he smiled at that, shaking his head fondly, "but even still it's weirdly endearing. i dunno. i'm crazy, he's crazy, it's all - " he fumbled for words, eventually sighing as he muttered out a weak explanation. "...crazy."

magnus smiled fondly, moving to ruffle simon's hair and shrugging. "good. crazy's good, and at least you get to be crazy together. he likes you as much as you like him, simon. trust me on that." his smile shifted into a smirk as he turned to look at his sister. "and you?" 

clary watched simon seemingly struggle to articulate his feelings, not unlike upon the occassion of their own discussion that had fizzled out in light nature about a zombie apocalypse. and their heroism. it can't be easy. and falling in love never is - she knows that. but as she catches simon's glance, and his seeming plea for help, she just reaches over and places her hand over his. a silent form of comfort even if she wasn't ready vocalise her comfort yet, to back him up. to talk about isabelle. isabelle who loves chinese food and names her skeletons and is funny and smart and she can't even begin to articulate how she feels. swallowing when she sees magnus' attention shift to her. "can we order first?" it's a stalling tactic at best. a way to co-ordinate her thoughts. 

magnus smiled wider. "no." 

clary sits back, her hand still resting above simon's, perhaps for the better. "well i need food and water if we're really going to have this conversation so - simon what's good here?"

Simon didn't blame her for deflecting. he could only hope that she was better at it than he was. "the eggplant parmesan is good. so is the veggie lasagna. stay away from anything with tofu in it though - you'd hate it. it's really wiggly." 

clary was glad her best friend was willing to co-operate with her stalling tactics. still trying to ready herself to say that she was falling in love with isabelle. scratch that - she simply couldn't do it. "eggplant parmesan sounds good. what're you having?" she looks at simon and then briefly at magnus. not to poke the bear, as it were. 

Simon replied simply, "same thing. i always get the same thing. originality died with simon lewis, circa 1996."

magnus rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair. "you're terrible at this, biscuit. hurry up, this shouldn't take all day."

clary starts to feel herself get progressively more nervous. which was not typically clary's disposition. looking at her brother as a tight and closed lipped smile occupied her face for a few moments. "have you decided what you're ordering yet, magnus? we're really just waiting on you." 

magnus shrugged once more, shaking his head with a smile. it was funny to make clary squirm. "i'll have what you're having. that's settled, then?" 

clary shit. her time was officially up. she couldn't think of another even vaguely valid stalling tactic, and it would take a while for their food to come. simon had done it. how hard could it be? "settled." it's only three words for heaven sake - falling in love. just say them. magnus is right, regret is a ruthless demon. 

magnus nodded. "the floor is yours, biscuit." 

clary starts to sit lean forward in her chair again. her shoulders rounded and her spine curved as she does. "izzy makes it really easy to -" to fall in love? the words still sound uncertain in her mind. she doesn't dare to think of how they would sound outloud. "- to like her a lot. she's charming and intelligent and beautiful and funny. and i always end rattling off all of her good qualities." it's short, but sweet. and not entirely a full representation of everything she wants to say. she isn't known for keeping secrets - not often from magnus and never from simon. but there are things to say when the time is right, and at present doesn't feel like the right time. [ and maybe she's still jokingly considering the bet her and simon had constructed. which subsequently, she lost badly. ] 

magnus nodded again, leaning to lay his hand on clary's and squeezing, shooting her a look that let her know she was off the hook for now. but that he knew, and that he knew that she knew too--- but clary wasn't in denial like simon was. "it's endearing, biscuit. just don't be a simon about this, okay?"

Simon frowned. "hey!"

clary feels herself start to relax, not visually but noticeably, as magnus silently assures her that this conversation is over. for now at least. [ she's grateful. she's not sure how she would have responded to another bought of questioning. ] laughing softly at magnus' comment. "hey! simon is perfectly fine." Mar 25

magnus snorted, shrugging his shoulders and moving to pat simon's arm. "he's alright. ish." 

clary laughed softly, shaking her head. "he is more than alright. he is your brother, almost. and my best friend."