#who cares about xmas and new years am i right

[leeleesart]

a very early birthday gift for my favorite senior citizen!!

[sgiandubh]

Accommodation latergram

Posted three hours ago by the IG account of the Hotel Timila in Pātan (Kathmandu), Nepal:

The Taliban corner immediately found out. Of course.

Here is the video, too:

The lady's question is almost swallowed by the usual breakfast noises (plates & cutlery, basically), so I could catch just the end of her rant: 'how was your stay here, in Nepal?'

S: 'It's been incredible, my first time... he [Jake Norton - JN]'s been here many times, but for me, yeah, an incredible experience, people are so friendly, food is amazing and this hotel [gestures towards the reception sign] is my favorite, the suite's so nice...

Reception Lady: 'Did you like your stay here?'

S: 'We did, we started here before we went on our trek, we felt like home and coming back was really nice, we had the suite, really nice [unsure of the last bit, however, as the sound is really, really bad].

Reception Lady: 'Do you have any recommendation [thick accent, unsure of transcript] about your stay, or for our team, here?'

S: 'I'll say thank you to all the team, they were so welcoming, especially you aaand... we'll come back, yeah? [chuckles, motions towards JN]'

JN: 'Oh gosh, yeah, 'twas... I was many, many times to Nepal, over thirty-plus years and it was certainly one of the top, if not the top trip, seeing new parts of the country for me, but Timila [the hotel] is always like...like home, so yeah, it feels... and you guys do just an amazing job of welcoming people, making them feel like it's a home away from home so... [Reception Lady: 'thank you so much, guys'] ...thank you!'

The Timila Hotel is a family-owned heritage property in the heart of Kathmandu, by the way. Having traveled a bit all over Asia myself, that means 'mid-range accommodation with a soul'. I am glad S could experience that unique, always thoughtful hospitality and not the luxury hotel chains' cookie-cut smiles and wai greetings. The reviews on Booking.com are probably honestly reflecting that, at a whooping 9.4/10 average satisfaction:

79 USD/night is peanuts, even for Nepal. The most expensive available option (Patan Square) in the Pātan area of Kathmandu is about 130 USD/night right now and an unbelievable (must be a mistake, somewhere) rate of 4200 USD/night for a suite with balcony at the Bodhiz Tusal Hotel (which has horrendous reviews, so it begs the question).

S's suite (the only one in the hotel) is the usual hill station Anglo-Indian style I am personally very fond of, with the mandatory little touch of local, endearing kitsch:

But the terrace is, indeed, gloriously huge. Trust this blogger, that is a remarkable bonus:

Back to the video snippet, I just saw two very tired men who just longed to get home in time for Xmas with their respective families. Which I think is the case by now, since the hotel released it. And no, I do not care a bit if he opened a baby bottle of SS whisky when he reached his destination - he is certainly not the first trekker/entrepreneur to indulge in product placement. Plus there was enough double entendre in that reel to quench the thirst of all the corners of this fandom and allow for endless discussions skirmishes. I know what I heard, too 😉.

Gracias a ti, siempre 😘😘😘.

[lucky-draws]

btw hi guys. [blows a cloud of dust into your face]. i miss being on here regularly but such is life. hope everypony is continuing to sparkle on. a few updates from me and the team. (?) longtime followers may be mourning the mgs content. as am i. but unfortunately i think i need at least another year before i can start to feel insane about mgs again. im kind of all metal geared out. those 2-3 years i spent being obsessed with it are kind of a distant fever dream now. it remains always in my heart brain and pussy forever but i'm just not in mgs mode right now. the ocie that lives in my brain is hibernating for a while. don't worry he's nice and warm and i have stocked up on tuna and wet food.

i guess my current interest is iwtv so you can expect to see some more of that. (a while back i watched the show then watched the film then read several of the books and now that ive recently caught up with s2 im back in vampire mode. i prefer the tv show versions of the characters so sorry but you won't be seeing me draw t*m cru*se lestat or ginger armand. i do enjoy the books though. when i go home at xmas i'll have them to hand and flicking though them again might spark me into feeling even more crazy.)

i keep wanting to draw more dr who stuff but never getting round to it but i remain optimistic that i will do at some point. who knows. "WHO" knows ! . ha ha.

i also very recently got into bbc cult sci-fi sitcom red dwarf (1988-present) and im feeling the urge to draw some red dwarf stuff (for the handful of people who care) because it's extremely silly and what this blog and indeed myself need is a return to silliness. so if i suddenly start drawing d lister and gay rimmer and their funny friends you've been warned.

i sort of want to draw more random stuff outside of frequent interests tbh. like ive been watching/rewatching a lot of movies lately and id kind of like to draw bits and bobs pertaining to various movies whenever the whim strikes. so if i suddenly put withnail and the titular i on your dash you have also been warned of this.

however i should say that regardless of what i am drawing i might not be able to post often because unfortunately i have a bit more of a life now than i did previously. i socialise a bit and go to the pub with friends sometimes this sort of thing. it's quite jolly id recommend. i also might be working after xmas on top of uni work so i don't know if ill have time to draw much. i want to though. so i probably will anyway. fuck my grades. #cool

anyway i think this concludes my message. basically thank you to all followers old and new for being here. let's continue to stay silly together. happy holidays etc.

lucky

Lucky D. Raws | CEO of SillyBlogging

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[judgeanon]

With another year over, and we slowly descend into the dredd universe, what was the best and worst of the prog and meg?

Ahh, ol' buddy, ol' pal. Where would my year be without this list? Thanks for the excuse to go over the last year. Now let's see...

For the prog, I really enjoyed Brink, Intestinauts, Rogue Trooper: Souther Belle, Silver: Unearthed (my favorite all-new series of the year), All Aboard the Nova Express, The Out, Azimuth and two of the big Judge Dredd stories (A Better World and Machine Rule). The one-offs were good too, but I think I'm really aching for a big ol' Dredd epic right now.

Other that that, there wasn't anything terribly bad. I can't really get into Full Tilt Boogie, and the urban fantasy horror stuff like Herne and Shuck or Nightmare New York (RIP John Burns) just leaves me kinda cold. Deadworld is still drawn godlike but feels like its spinning wheels. The one kinda disappointment of the year was Rogue Trooper: When a GI Dies. A bit too much dialogue getting in the way of some real emotion.

Oh, and I fucking loved the Nordland Rising crossover thing, even though they killed Hershey again and made me watch it drawn by like three different artists. Which should go to show how much I enjoyed its manic, throw everything at the wall approach.

As for the Meg, started out a bit slow this year but really picked up when Dreadnoughts started. I fucking love how bleak that thing is. Also, Judge Dredd: Body Shots was hilarious, the 2099 flashbacks are a nice exercise, and I have a soft spot for Department K, even if they made a kind of robot Hershey who was evil and then died. Big fan of Pandora Perfect too, that one's just a good time.

In the meh stuff, I'm not crazy about Fargo & McBane other than the art but I appreciate the variety, I really don't care about Devlin Waugh and I haven't cared for a couple of years now and Harrower Squad is kind of a wash that could really use more exciting art.

I am excited for the new year tho'. Lawless, Death Cap and Rok of the Reds, which I haven't had a chance to read yet. That's gonna be the good stuff.

However, all that in mind, I do want to take a moment to mention maybe my favorite surprise bit of the year, which is the Durham Red pages in that Ennis/Flint Strontium Dog story in the Xmas prog. Because man... man.

I can't exactly put my finger on it, but those two pages were the single hottest, sexiest, most alluring thing in comics in the entire year for me. Just the absolute pitch-perfect picture of a random encounter in the dingy bathroom of a shitty nightclub with a 15/10 baddie who has something fucked up about her and you never see her again but you think about her for the rest of your life.

That one's gonna stay with me for a while, squaxx.

[dearmrsawyer]

i posted the xmas cards at the start of the week so hopefully that means they reach everyone before xmas actually happens <3

only 3 weeks left til holidays, but all the classes are done at work so i will be able to use them to putt around with my own things and not do anything that requires me to actually use my brain, which no longer works lol. i had my performance review a few days ago and basically exposed myself for doing a bad job all year ! i told my supervisor i've spent a significant amount of this year fixing my own mistakes, which is true, but tbh it was the best i could do given everything. she knows i've had a hard year, although she doesn't know everything that's been going on, she always says i'm a very private person which i didn't really consider myself to be, but actually i think i am, i don't talk about my Stuff with people at work largely because i don't want to commit my time to it, and also when i do talk to people i always walk away wanting to crawl out of my own skin, like i always feel like however i expressed myself didn't accurately represent how i'm feeling, and so i've just given someone an impression that doesn't match how i really feel, and that makes me feel 600x worse. Anyways i said that it would be good if i had some back up in the library because as the only person there it can't function without me, and i would've taken more time off this year if i felt like i could. i was planning to say that when we had our next budget discussion but she gave me an opening so i'm glad i said it when i had the chance, because i may well have chickened out later on.

i really miss sawyer. i thought that when i made it to the other side of all the very difficult things that had happened in the last year, when i could return to something resembling normal and i had agency over my own time and space, that i would get to do that with her. she was part of what i was looking forward to. after everything these last twelve months, to have to cap it off with losing her, she was only just fourteen. i find it really hard to fall asleep without her, i don't turn out the lights until i can barely keep my eyes open, if i'm lying there in the dark i always start to cry. i mean i still do that a lot at other times, especially in the car for some reason, but its harder to come back from when its night. i hate being here without her to be honest.

a couple of weeks ago mum and i drove up to donate sawyer's leftover medication to the animal welfare league, i know insulin is sometimes one of those things that can have supply issues and when we called around they said they had a diabetic cat in their care and would be happy to take it. afterwards mum said that she thought there was a good chance we would come back home with a new cat, like if they had their adoptable pets on show in the foyer lol. they didn't but i don't want to get another cat anytime soon. no other cat will ever be exactly who she was, she was perfect in every way, the exact right measure of everything to me, i don't want to measure some other cat against her. i will get another cat sometime but i don't want to just redirect the love i have for sawyer onto some other cat. what i feel belongs to her.

I spend a lot of time looking through photos and videos of her, almost everyday. Sometimes it makes me feel unbearably upset but sometimes i feel like it calms me, like things are okay when i'm looking at her. i really love this video of her watching niall's livestream a couple of years ago. she was sitting next to me with her front half resting on my leg, which used to be her default position. she never really watched screens but she was mesmerised by him lol

[tehawesomelyjuanthegreater]

with the comms delaying paid idea

First, I had to pay online for the holiday season for the ones for my personal life, for my Christmas gift for my birthday and Xmas gifts. The commission was going to be first for this week-the problem is that 

The problem is right now, there is a delay to it coming soon. My Italian folk of mine are beloved-she has been going through alot with herself, saying she is a "cheap artist". She is the beloved folk of mine. She has been the most talented artist. She drew me a picture for the artwork pairing of a series of mine that I'm doing, and she is one of the most talented artists. No artist isn't perfect with their skills or things like that....  Right now there's going to be a hold with all 4 comms ideas for later on.

I have a disability provider and program that I have got. The problem is, officially, that the program of mine where I live in an apartment, officially they didn't pay the rent for me and said I have to pay more money, while I don't have the kind of money, which it seems and stinks at the same time- as it seems very sad to me that I haven't work, and I'm still looking for a job but through my disability provider. This problem with this country with nowadays disability providers nowadays is very hard aching nowadays, but they do tend to care alot for people with autism-that has to be first rather than second with comms. It is not the way I wanted to be...... well start TALK about a new week from a new starting! 

To my folks and friends who do comms right now, right now there is a problem for me that I have, please wait for that with me..... I think I cannot do everything at once - the comms idea will be for a birthday gift and Xmas gift which I'm planning to give.... 

Right now I do not care about, other half of the side onto online, now that we're entering the dark age of online-strong and strong decline everything; even people don't tend to care for following small creator nor supporting them and Commission paid art, now that AI is rising and so on... history just repeated itself since mid-late 2000s and things repeated itself last decades and right now, I'm very disappointed with these cases, especially the ones that are the people who don't have the support in supporting someone work and others even with friendship also, literally am tired of talking about the former friends of mine (who were godawful) - as little people assume I slander and stalk them which false claimed, no it was an experience, which an old folk of mine from 2015 whom I have known, and she did not do an art trade with me before and didn't get along, and then we make it up she left deviantART due to fed up with her former folks and ex friends......   This satisfied me so much, and I wish I could know what the answer was. I hate to be a single bit right. 

I been going forward ahead, 2024 was a decent year a making up from 10 years ago now....

[youmightaswell]

Die!

Bad Taste in My Mouth

An attempted palate cleaner:

Not sure if I ever mentioned this but I have an aversion to mint toothpastes. I find them distasteful. Now, yes, they tend to make your mouth feel clean and tingly which some non-mint types don’t – particularly children’s toothpaste brands boasting “Silly Strawberry” or “Beautiful Blueberry”. I tend to default to cinnamony ones like Close Up, pink Aim when I can find it, Dr. Bronner’s Cinnamon or Tom’s of Maine (but now every time I think of Maine I think of how they voted for Trump) Cinnamint.

But what I really like are unusual flavors. I recall years ago I found a bunch of interesting ones like Yogurt and Mocha for toothpaste that I loved. And more recently I have been LOVING the Rose Mint by Moon from Kendall Jenner but it is hard to find and goes for a whopping $15 online. It seems most non-mint flavors of adult toothpaste are extremely costly. I have a cilantro one and a lavendar mint one in bathroom cabinet waiting to be taken off the bench and get into the game as soon as the rose tube finishes.

Another amazing brand is Marvis. They have a slew of classic flavors including Jasmine (so good!), cinnamon, licorice and ginger mint.

But each year they make specialty flavors. Sometimes these come in really artsy boxes.

A limited edition flavor I got last year for Xmas was Black Forest. Yum! For example, they did a Wonders of the World collection a few years back which tickled me:

So flash forward to election night. I was ill at ease. I kept the tv off and as the night progressed I couldn’t settle into reading. It was also 80 degrees in NYC in November which foreshadowed living in a soon-to-be-hell. I texted with a few friends about my anxiety. I went in to prepared for bed and brushed my teeth with the Kendall Jenner rose toothpaste and thought it’d get my mind off the possible impending horror to see if any tubes were being sold on Ebay for a reasonable price. There weren’t so I googled to see if another brand had Rose toothpaste.

Up came Marvis! Apparently this year they launched six new flavors, including Rose. I started to go down an internet rabbit hole, but was so thankful to get my mind occupied on something pink instead of orange.

I also found out that Marvis had always launched a flower flavor collection. Unfortunately none were sold anywhere online easily and cheaply. These collections sell out fast and you can often find them on Ebay but for double or triple markup.

An hour in I had found a site that sold about half of them and I put $60 worth of toothpaste in my cart: Lily, Rose, Osmanthus (who even knew this was a word – more Google searching, with election results still gnawing at another area of my brain…) I also found Anise! Sweet and Sour Rhubarb!

I felt bad about spending so much money on something so frivolous. I do not NEED $15 toothpaste. I could be just as happy a $4 tube. But I rationalized at least I would definitely use it. I wouldn’t need to buy toothpaste for at least a year or two. And then my mind wandered to where I’d be in two years? Would I be spitting out my new Orange Mint toothpaste down the literal drain the way something else orange would be spitting women’s reproductive rights down a figurative one?

These overwhelmingly upsetting thoughts made me seek out yet another pricey site that promised to send me two extremely hard-to-find-flavors and even offered pricey corresponding mouth wash.

As the night rolled on my friends had all put themselves to bed, pretty much staving off the heartbreak they’d wake to. I have gum recession from brushing my teeth so much because I have OCD, but I brushed again for good measure. As I sensed there was no way Harris could win, I couldn’t feel clean.

When it hit me in the end of my doom buying I had spent $85 on tooth care products I was horrified, but chalked it up to self care. If I am going to be the most uncomfortable I’ve been, for at least four straight years, at least I could try the mask the bad taste left in my mouth.

I so wanted to keep pursuing the ever-elusive tea-flavored Marvis toothpastes like Tea Blossom, Matcha and Earl Grey, but I needed to leave something to look forward to when it now appears there won’t be much.

I recently read an article about how half the country wanted a conman, rapist in power. Well let them have it. “Let them eat cake!” the frustrated journalist wrote.

I guess that’s the sort of fuck-it-all-burn-it-all-to-the-ground-attitude I have right now about spending frivolously on overpriced dental accoutrements. Let me brush my teeth with cake-flavored toothpaste, Goddammit! Fuck it all. If the new Commander in Chief can get elected by lying through his teeth, I can let mine luxuriate in royalty.

[azlovesem]

Ahh who cares. Ha ha ha so i kilked sll those peolle im Azriel. No theyd still ge slive if it wrent for me im deadly kid. By far. Look at thise coward americabs run they aint dhit i am AMERiCA now kid. I conquered that joint. Now i just give ordersxwho needs to actually go there? Nobody look at yhrm. Ha ha ga theyre fucked is ehat im saying. It fisdnt natter ghey gsce money look at rm. ha ha ga tgryre fuckn the misf pathetic peolke youll find anywhere in this galaxy. Puck one ill ceudg thrm right innfrontmif you old pr new ill kill thrm rught in feont if yoh easily. Gimme a fudkn nsje mike tyson any naje ull jill thrm like yhrg were nothing dvef on my rarth. Treat threm like firewood. Pick one of these rat monkeys then watch em die. I can kill anything anyone. I celectate xmas like no one else. Thats my holiday all the redt of the religion csn fuck off and die. Oh look its in the process of doing just that. No i own sll the churches i font go in em peopke puss me if. Burn them. Like notre dame yeah that was me. Fuck thise carhoilivs is alk i gotta say. I told you i like xmas not noncrs. Habha ga theyre fuckn nonces Emma sll of thrm! Allll!! Even that fuckn priest from brentwood. I never rver likes thwt guy and i slmost hunted him down snd killed him. I fint like sny cathpics period let alone the priests. The guy was a fuckn nonce too Emna. More thsnn5 priests i 86x i dont like them nothing about them. See you out on my street guys ga ga losers. Chold molestors. Ha ha ya ga im the King Emna. No wonder you yook a liking yo me you nnow ehy. Youre not do bad yourself. Noe get back to your studies firget yhese fuxking ingrate losers. Maybe theyll forget you just a little i hope id hate to hounded like that. Ha ha ga id kill those CB people. People do kind of follow me mow now but not like there Canadians wrent like that. Theyre fuckd in other ways. Most of em. Im sure some of them epuld follow you. Ha ha ga thats fucked up. Anyone you go near getsvthe curse of whose Emma dating. Poor peolle even of its jisg yiur buddy or your beother. Whose that guy. Itd Emnas mysetery lovrer. Sonrone told me that you wrre a rwally high end protiture snd thays why youre so rich. Dome losers woll oay anything. I just read that i didnt say it was true. But its not hard to insgine it could be true. Yeah dont believe anything written whattya stupid?? Oo i lov you youre awesome what i mean look, we have catholiccptiests bevmcause of that mistake people madd last time Emma. Ha ha ga ga. Jokes on them. All those years. Its my fault thry dxist but i never meant thst shit. Im an Arch and i just like naki g up stories as i go along. Laugb its dunny sll that shot exists because of a bunch of lues i made yp 2000 ywars ago. Ha ha ga its fuckn hilarious. Ha ga ha ha ha . Youre all ding bats. Especislly those americans. Wow i dudnt think anykne was that dumb. Ha ha ga a now i know peolle are that stupid. Ha ha ha ahhhh ha. And fuck tsmps i font care what anykne says Emna. I hate that fufkn llace. Ha ha. Go there youll see wht. I mean you went to kentucky maybe you will go to tampa o e day. Ha ha ga hey tenessee hot fsroened this time Kentucky fried chickana are lookn o. What did you think of yhose yokels?? I likecd yhem and had a nice gf from there for s hot minute. Anyway hace fun dodging assholes while i have fun killing them. I hate this city. I shouldve killed more here. Theres still time.

[dawnowar]

Spending my Xmas days off cleaning the house

Went to get my annual eye exam today before the end of the year and my prescription hasn't changed which is cool because i have roughly 50 pairs of glasses now and I don't want to have to start over. Makes me want to buy more even though i clearly do not need more but that never stopped me before.

I was going to take myself out for chicken wings so i asked where the best ones are and then went there. It was a sports bar with a big "seat yourself" sign, so I did and promptly got completely ignored by everyone who works there. As i sat on the uncomfortable chair waiting for no one to take my order I noticed how much i hate this place and the crowd that came with it and the many blaring TV with football games on it, so I left and ordered wings from Sheetz from my phone in the parking lot which were ready in the time it took me to drive there and pick them up.

Ate wings with my cats on my comfy sofa in my own time which made me much happier. Got a good shake too for less money than it would have cost me at the sports bar and then i would have had to tip the waitress for giving me shitty service on top of it.

Yeah i know its Christmas Eve Day and a Sunday at that and maybe its not the best day/time to happen into a sports bar that's one of the places staying open for people to drink at on Xmas Eve but whatever. I had a shitty experience and I'm not sorry for leaving.

I'm doing laundry including all the various holiday themed outfits so i can put them away and the bedding and anything I've been meaning to wash and not getting to. I decluttered a lot of the living room and i have intentions of decluttering the bathroom and cleaning the kitchen before the holiday is over.

I have a frozen lasagne for dinner tonight and some texas toast. It's not a typical tradition but it's mine.

I've been sick for a couple of months. All normal stuff just one sickness after another. I havent been well for more than a few days before i get the next thing and i'm so ready to be well again but I didn't go out to the before-christmas parties and I guess im glad because it seems everyone got covid at a thing I skipped so I stopped feeling bad about not going out now I'm well enough to go out again.

In fact ive been collecting clothes and makeup and such. Online shopping while I've been sick for my return to going out again and i just havent gone out again. But its winter now and I ate too much between being sick and inactive and the holidays, i need to diet and exercise again for a bit i think before i get in some of these clothes.

I am expecting to go out for New Years Eve. I like to drink some champagne with strangers in a fancy dress for that holiday.

I have an idea where im going but i dont know what i will wear. But I have choices which is awesome.

I've been taking an estrogen/progesterone cream because I was having hot flashes due to menopause that was waking me up every hour and i was so tired from not being able to sleep properly.

This stuff had me sleeping great right away so I was totally into it but now I'm sleepy all the time even when I don't do anything and I'm cutting the dosage in half hoping that makes some difference.

Not sure what it'll do but im trying it now and not when i need to be at work all day in the morning in case I can't sleep. Last night i did the first half dose and I woke up hungry in the middle of the night but i didn't wake up with a hot flash so it was inconclusive.

I don't miss the hot flashes and I'm sure i'd rather be overtired from estrogen than sleep-deprived from lack of estrogen but hoping to find a happy medium where im not tired all the time.

I dont care a thing about Christmas but im happy to have these days off. We should get a bunch of days off every two or three months just because imho.

To catch up on what you need to catch up on and do Drs appointments and service your car and shit.

I pretty much gave up on 2023 a few weeks ago when I realized I basically wasnt going to be well enough to do any of the fun holiday stuff and I may as well just stay home and clean. I'm fine with all this. It needs to be done and the more I do the more I start to feel like I'm reclaiming my life as I am reclaiming my house.

So its time to fold and put away the laundry in the dryer and rotate in another load.

Happy Holidays.

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

ok guys im back to being sane. b and i had such a good chat and of course i brought the madness upon myself like i always do. so, not dwelling, but i'm good now.

we've been talking on the phone every single day since we chatted about us and it has been pure bliss. i dont care about you texting me or snapchatting me (like, i do) but the actual phone conversations and facetimes are what i need. i know that now. so glad we figured that one out LOL.

but its like im back in the honeymoon phase again. not worrying about the future. just looking forward to our next phone call. it's so lovely.

and i booked my flights to london for xmas today!

and it's (basically) fall. my favourite time of year. i can feel the air has already changed. it's not so fucking hot.

and god i have been so fucking hot for you these past couple days since we had that nice talk. like i said, i'm right back to bliss. this is the new normal and i am so here for it. i can do this. we can do this. honestly, maybe i would move to london next year. idk. but either way, i really hope next year or beginning of 2025 we are in the same city. even if that means waiting until my lease is up in 2025. which honestly would be awful another year of seeing each other every 2-3 months. but we can do it. i fully, without doubt, believe we are in this for the long haul. i know i am.

i just can't fucking wait to see you. be in your presence. that's all i want. i want to be near you. smell you. touch you. kiss you so so so so so much. all the kisses. all the hugs. all the hand holding and PDA. idc. i want to be all over you constantly. i hope i dont get so fucked up i say i love you lol. i wanna save that for xmas. but who knows maybe you'll say it. and i do think you'd be the one to say it first. but honestly who knows, i'm growing. it took me 6 months with jake when i knew 4 months in. and i'm definitely not ready to say it yet. i need to spend more time with you. even though i like you so much, and i know i want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you, i'm not ready for i love you. i don't feel it yet. you know when you literally cannot not say it? when you're lying in bed with that person and all you can think about is telling them how much they rule your heart. that you can't breathe without them. it almost hurts not to say it. that's when i know. and i'm not there yet.

but maybe i'll feel that way in amsterdam, who knows. i'll see you on thursday being a little hungover and probably quite tired. but i'm gonna run to you like there's no tomorrow and wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you like i haven't seen you in years. and i won't want to let go. the world will stop. and it'll just be us. me and you. nothing and no one else.

it already feels that way to be honest. in a good way. not that you're my everything and life stands still without you. but that it's US and no one else.. idk if that makes sense. but like we're constantly connected. our lives are separate but together, even 7000km away from each other. idk, it's hard to explain. but i feel like you're always here in a way, always with me.

i really hope one of these days you surprise me and just come see me without telling me. even if it's for a few days. you show up at work or my doorstep. i would fucking die. i think i would start bawling LOL. literally would fucking die. fuck that would be so insane.

[traumalimbo]

A summary of events

October: left my abusive ex, learned that people do care about me, learn just how isolated I was, hopeful for the first time in a long time, promised 6 months at this new place to get back on my feet

November: things were ok but not great, there's no right choices at this place either, learn that I was only helped so her partner would shut up, be repeatedly called a leech despite paying to be there and doing chores and cooking, only 1 person out if the 3 of us matters and gets a say and she hates me

December: receive expensive early Xmas gift, get told it's unacceptable for me to be there for 6 months cuz she doesn't want me there, cause a fight by telling the other person involved, get yelled at to leave while she's upset or else, leaving for the night was wrong somehow, get blamed for all their problems, no longer welcome back there and all my stuff is sent back to my ex, now homeless with no possessions in the winter, start couch surfing

January: only allowed to stay at places if I allow free access to my body at any time with no complaints, got my phone back and some of my clothes, living out of a backpack, keep getting blamed for problems that existed before I was around, spent time living outside on and off to get away from it all, realize I only have 1 person left in my life who still cares about me, don't trust it since its never real, lose my job due to being homeless and abused

February: found a place that would let me stay if I pay and do chores and cook, the guy there decided he was entitled to my body and starts fucking me behind his wife's back, I'm not allowed to say no

March: no change really things continue to be awful and I have no say in any of it, learn I don't matter beyond my open legs

April: get kicked out of that place due to being too helpful I guess, last remaining friend takes me in, staying at his parents house

May: nothing feels worth it any more, I don't really exist I'm just something to be used and tossed aside, niceness and caring hurt and are dangerous traps used to hurt me more

June: I still miss you constantly and wish I could have done better or maybe more, I am here physically, I feel this place is another place that I'm not wanted but begrudgingly allowed to stay for now,

July: there's no space for me here, there's no space for me anywhere, constantly walking on eggshells, put up with whatever is demanded with no complaint, privacy is not a right here

August: my birthday, lost 100% of my remaining income to pay off a debt my ex managed to pass off to me, told to take him to court but I don't have money for that, I'm just dead weight now, I cannot financially contribute anymore and that's the only thing that's allowed to matter, if I stay ill become a financial burden, if I leave I'll become an emotional one

2 more months and it'll have been a year since I tried to save myself only to have it all come crumbling down and down and down.... I wonder how it'll proceed to keep getting worse from here

[keepthesethoughtsinsideyou]

3/20/2023

I didn't think my heart could be more broken. That Twitter post felt...malicious. Mean. But then again, I think you have already basically written me out of your thoughts and heart. So the idea that i still follow you. That I didn't want this. That my feelings didn't change. How hurtful the titling of that would be to me? Who am I? Just some dude now haha. I still cant believe how things went. I think about us video chatting and you trying all the underwear on that you bought with that gift card I got you for xmas. My stupid note that some of the card had to be used on thongs. what a idiot haha. I just knew your butt would look great in them. I was right. But now your new boyfriend is getting those pics. In the underwear I essentially bought you. ugh. I don't know what i expected. This situation was never perfect to be honest. In some ways, it was. To meet someone that you've known before. You’ve kissed before. You’ve made love to before. That shit was unreal. I don't think my brain ever quite understood it. Idk that every person is equipped to experience the cosmic. Especially to like, not have it mess with them. But then you have these people brought together but at a imperfect time in each of their lives. Yeah, I helped you realize what real love feels like. What you deserved. Helped you fast track getting into marriage counseling. And i think it was really the counseling that helped you realize the horrendous things that had been put on you for years by your now husband. Sucks that your new boyfriend Andi gets tagged with being the one to help you realize that. I remember the Monday after getting back from that weekend in December. And you were CHANGED. Meeting me changed you. You realized you had never felt that safe, loved, cared for. Your words. And you realized, holy shit I’ve been in a crumby relationship for 6 years. I do wish you had listened to my concerns about Chad early on in our talking. But I can understand I guess. I was in love with you. And I think it was easier to think, eh. He’s just jealous. Than to acknowledge the physical abuse & r@pe. I blame myself. Not for those things happening. They’d been going on long before we met. But I think, maybe if i had been able to express my worry in a different way. Hell, i WAS jealous. That dude did not deserve you in any way, shape or form. And everything he’s done since your breaking up has show that he is a bad person. And I really question if he didn't know he had HSV. At this point, I would not put it past the guy. But yeah, I wish i could've expressed things in a way that didn't come off jealous. But honestly, I don't think you were ready to see and understand what had happened and had been happening. And i really don't think me conveying my worries in a less jealous way would've had you seen the truth. Its fucking awful. I just think, christ. We started talking September 1st and i KNEW this guy was bad news then. And I really wish I could've made you see so you never got married. Now you have to go through VA’s laws regarding separation first for 6 months THEN divorce. You have to keep your relationship with Andi a secret essentially. Chad always seemed so disconnected from the relationship. I hope he doesn't see your Twitter and think, “whos ‘he’?” I worry what that fucker will try with the divorce. He’s already attempted to defame your character. Blaming you finding your own sexuality and creating this yarn that your and Andi’s relationship is why the marriage fell apart. Which, if the world fucking knew what HE did to you? They wouldn't believe ANY of his shit. But yeah, its really hurtful that you have made Andi your savior in seeing what was going on. Because per your own words, I was the catalyst for you getting everything going that made you realize what was truly going on. It’s so messed up that your relationship with Andi is essentially starting on this like, pile of lies almost. What would Andi say if he knew about us? Knew you were cheating on your husband with me. Knew that you were going to try to use your husband creating a open relationship not to be with Andi, but so maybe you and I could actually be together. Andi doesn't know anything about you and I. No one does in your life. You never told Lolly/Fenne. Granted, I told you that you didn't need to. But dude, you didn't need my permission. haha. Christ. It was a constant weight on my that i was the dirty lil secret. But I know that was unfair in alot of ways because the only person I told was my Mom. Man, I sort of wish I kept it like that hahaha. I admittedly kind of cracked when you chose Andi over me. I had just driven down to see you. And I would've driven straight through to Richmond. I didn't have to stay in Hershey, PA. Yeah, I didn't want to lose the money I had spent on the hotel for us. But I would've driven straight to you to try to salvage things. Show you the truth. God i really had hoped you would meet me for lunch that Saturday. i KNEW once we were together you'd see the truth. I wasn't perfect. I still am not. Christ I am trying. Trying through the worst grief I have experienced since my father died unexpectedly from COVID. But still fucking trying man. And i just knew you would see you were wrong about me and us. Man, I felt so positive after that weekend. Truly, i felt...powerful. We were powerful. I’ve never felt that way before. For me, I really felt like i solidified how special we were and how we are supposed to be together. And that we could work on things. I was so fucking positive that we could get back to where we were but BETTER and STRONGER. But i didn't know about you and Andi. I didn't know that you had been getting feelings for him behind my back. And all the while that was happening, you started focusing on the negatives of you and I that needed work...but without ever disclosing the work that needed done. The things i was doing that were weighing on you. Focusing on how easy Andi was. Comparing and contrasting him and I. Its just...unfair. But hey, life isn't fair. While I thought my coming to see you would show you i would  go to the ends of the earth for you and us, I think much like my first visit, it kind of shocked you. Fuck, he was right about us feeling the same. Fuck, he really will change. He really will do anything for me and us. Honestly man, I couldn't have known you would've been jumping into a relationship before your marriage was even officially over. You talked about yourself being a serial monogamous relationship person. Your relationship would end. Maybe a month goes by, and you're already in another long term relationship. But when you talked about it with me, you spoke like it was a negative trait. And with your marriage ending, you spoke about wanting to be single and find yourself. I genuinely believed you. It does stink that I’ll never know what really was happening. With you confessing about Andi, and your feelings and committing to him exclusively almost immediately, it really makes me question why the concept of us was always pushed back. 8 months and we will see. Etc. But if I think about all the stuff you didn't talk to me about, and kept to yourself and kind of dumped on me when everything ended, i might go crazy. Hell, I already have gone pretty crazy over this. haha. I finally told people about us. One night I was honestly losing it. I didn't and don't understand how something that feels absolutely...cosmic? otherworldly? How it could be cast aside. I reached out to a friend Brittany. I knew she was into astrology and some different things. Her and I had been pseudo romantically linked but ended up just being friends. And that was cool. Doesn't usually happen. But we got along really well. She had moved to PA to be with her BF, now husband, but prior to that we had been coworkers for a bit. But I reached out and basically said I had been going through such a crazy situation for the last 6 months, and i really wished she was around to talk to about it because I felt crazy. And she was receptive and idk why but i told her a bunch. The choice nugs, if you will. But omg she told me I wasn't crazy. She brought up stuff about twin flames? I had NEVER heard of this shit in my life. She said this situation was VERY special. Said it didn't sound like we were soulmates because some things i described don't track with those i guess. But she said regardless. Most people will never meet a soulmate, let alone a twin flame. And she said its even MORE unlikely to find one of those that also has a romantic element. She said i should feel very lucky and special. It’s definitely hard to feel that way when you chose someone else. haha. But god. Reading up that next day on twin flames? I was CRYING in my office. There were things there that Brittany hadn't mentioned but OMG did they mirror you and I. Trying to be rational, I was trying not to play into that. But omg some of it was so compelling I found myself messaging you. You probably already knew about twin flames. I hadn't thought about that at the time. How you are already aware of alot of these things. I’m sorry for that. Guess I worry about things. Alot of it tracks but the seemingly inevitable point in the twin flame relationship where flaws in the partner are pointed out. And then looking into twin flame breaks? How it can feel like a death? omg that's what I’m still going through. But everything i have read has basically said that this is the time and chance for self improvement. The breaking of the twin flames is supposed to lead both to focusing on bettering themselves, and truly working on their personal flaws that the other has pointed out to you. I know what I have to work on. You had made it clear. But that last message I sent you. The one i regret. You know the one. I think that may have put a magnifying glass over some of your own flaws. And things you weren't ready to acknowledge. I think it was easy to have me be the bad guy. The end. but when i was like, yo. these things are kind of messed up. Idk, just think it was too much. Now you are telling me not to message you again until August. Will I? idk. Will i message you before then? god i think about that all the time. What's the point if you will just leave me on read? And who knows if you wont leave me on read in August. But I guess the thing is Courtney, if this time is supposed to be for each of us to work on these flaws and improve ourselves, how are you going to do any of that while throwing yourself into another potential long term relationship? I hope I am not the only one that's going to work on themselves. I think about how i spoke to you and conveyed my thoughts and pain and hurt. I hate myself for it. But at some point, god i hope you realize it takes two people to make a relationship work. And without open communication and honestly, how can you improve anything? Can you work on your own flaws while focusing on another relationship? Without even recovering from your marriage ending? I know you are supposed to start therapy next month. I hope a professional can help guide you. I am actively looking for a therapist. I would like one that understands spiritual relationships but that's probs a reach. Idk if you and i are twin flames. I don't want to say we are. The similarities are fucking fairly uncanny though. And regardless of label, what you and i have (yes, have. not had) is something next level. Brittany got REALLY new age on me. Divine Timelines. Past Lives. Cosmic Guides. It was all so much. idk what I do or don't believe. But with so much of what she said linking to you and I, i would be lying if i said that I have not been speaking to my guides every day. Every time I miss you. Every time my heart aches. Every time i just want to die and give up. I just talk to them. Does that make me crazy? Maybe. I just ask them for guidance and let them know I am open to it. I am open to see the signs. I bring up all the signs they showed you. And I ask for them to show me signs that lead me on the path I should take. God typing that makes me sound unhinged haha. In those moments, it gives me temporary solace. With all the cosmic signs you were shown, I have to believe there is something bigger to you and I. In my heart, i hope they are showing you signs all the time now. Things ramped up as your marriage approached and during your honeymoon. The eerie shit where it was like, there's no way this isn't purposeful. Brittany said alot clearly. haha. But one thing she said is that these guides will send you undeniable signs. And the more you ignore them, the more they will show you. That feels like your honeymoon like omg. You knew you shouldn't have been with him. You knew something unreal was happening between us, but you still went forward with the marriage. And they showed you. Just like when I left in December. They were trying to tell you, you need to follow Matt. Well, maybe not follow, but that there is something there with me. That's my thoughts anyway. You were able to reject these seemingly cosmic signs then, and I cant really imagine you giving them weight/credence now that you have your new boyfriend and relationship. I do want you happy. But man. Rebounds are a thing. And from what youve told me? Like, EVERY relationship you've had is a rebound because you never actually have that time to yourself to go over the relationship. I hope the therapist can help you. God I hope I can find one and they can help me. Regardless of you and I, this has put such a magnifying glass over me. My flaws. I feel like, if only i was perfect. If only I hadn't created my negative coping mechanisms. If only i didn't have bi polar. If only i didn't have an anxiety disorder. If only. But who knows. None of those things are excuses. And at some point you have to realize your faults and work on yourself. It sucks feeling like losing my person, a piece of myself. The part of me i didn't know i was missing but once i found, i felt like, more complete. it sucks that this fucking traumatic event is what will lead to growth. But I am sure you feel that way about your marriage too. And I am forever sorry I couldn't save you from it. If I follow the twin flame theory, this was always supposed to happen. The thing that sucks is there is no way of knowing what happens. We work, we become better. I become someone you can actually imagine being with. Having a future and life and family. All the things you told me over and over again. And then taking back in a heartbeat. But it still doesn't mean anything necessarily. Apparently meeting a twin flame can just be to lead to bettering yourself. If that's the case, I would just say, how unfair that there had to be romantic feelings connected to us. To know in my heart, i will never love another human as i love you. And to know it could be all over forever. How does one go on knowing there perfect person is out there and not with them? I guess we will see. August feels so far away. And yet it feels like not enough time. I don't feel like me working on myself is enough. Like when we reconnect, i worry if I am not 100% fixed, you wont give me the time of day. I know the changes are supposed to be for me. But its so hard working to make yourself better when you have never liked yourself. Its alot easier when you have this amazing woman there for you somewhere down the line. And this life that you've always dreamed of in your sights. A goal. A finish line. Feeling the loss and grief that I do right now, its hard to make positive strives. Especially if the only person I am doing it for is me. Because right now, I don't like me. Can you imagine not liking yourself already, and then someone who is like, your one. Your other half. Cosmic partner. Whatever you want to call it. That person ends things, picks someone else over you because that person is better (when you already have abandonment issues and feelings of not being worthy or good enough for you) and basically tells you, its all your fault. Can you imagine liking yourself enough to do ANYTHING with only your own self betterment in mind? It’s so hard. And honestly, even if you wont acknowledge me, i still feel like I will check in with each personal goal post i reach. Cause this might be one of the hardest things I have ever been faced with. And whether you and me romantically are through forever, or there is some chance. Regardless of that. I want you to know that you matter to me. And the loss of you, was a wake up call. I wish I worked on all of this sooner Courtney. You cant know how much I wish it. But much like you realizing your relationship needed to end only happened once you met me, I think you breaking things of and choosing another man over me was the catalyst for my own personal growth. I hate that it happened this way. Because in a alternate timeline where I had already worked on myself, maybe you would've chose me. I would've been good enough. I don't know. I’ll never know. But god I want to show you who I should've been all along. And I hope you welcome me back into your life in SOME form. How you could go from “i cant ever imagine not talking to you and having you in my life” to where we are now in such a short period of time is staggering to me. But I know this is my fault. And I have to try to not focus so much on the past. I cant change how i was. Or the negative moments between us. But I can become who I should've always been for me and you and us, and remember the magic. That magic will never die. You will see. 

[rolotouto]

A Yule log for the Lamperouges

The new “Oshougatsu vs Xmas” Genesic Re;CODE event finally treats Rolo as a Lamperouge!!!

(The other Geass app, Lost Stories, also just recently had Rolo’s first lines in the game, but that’s for another post.)

The story is about Shirley and other Britannia characters claiming that Xmas, where you spend time with your loved one, is the better festival, while Kallen and other Japanese character defend that Oshougatsu (the Japanese New Year), where you spend with your friends and family, is the better one. They force Euphy and Suzaku to become the “leaders” of each group, respectively, even though Euphy and Suzaku are actually interested in learning about each other’s festivals and don’t want to turn things into a competition. But of course, Milly shows up to announce that the two teams must now compete in an event to decide whether Xmas or Oshougatsu is the best festival.

Milly says they have already chosen 4 events/games for the teams to compete at, but she wants there to be a last “very flashy” one. Rolo: Indeed, with 4 events there’s a possibility that the dispute won’t be settled, so another event is needed, but for it to be “very flashy”...?

In fact, Milly previously asked help from Lelouch to come up with the last event, and he suggested a ball rolling game. Rolo: Rivalz-san, what kind of event is “a ball rolling game”? Rivalz explains that it’s just like what you’d imagine from the name: people push a big ball to try to get it inside the goal. But he thinks that although this game might be fun for children, it’s too plain for this competition. Rolo: I see. But since it was Brother’s idea, there has to be a plan behind it, right?

Lelouch: As expected of my little brother. You sure do know. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally... Lelouch properly interacts with Rolo for the first time since GeaGene started... And calls him “little brother” too!!  👏 👏 👏

So, it turns out that Milly’s intention is to help Suzaku and Euphy. Rolo: I see. I thought this confrontation had turned into an event too smoothly, but it was because the President wanted to stop the conflict from becoming bigger. Nunnally: That’s right, Rolo. Through Ar-san, Brother was consulted by Suzaku and Big Sister Euphy. Nunnally uses suffixes on *everyone* except Rolo... Just like in Kiseki no Birthday... As if they truly were siblings that are close... 😭

Rivalz and Rolo are explaining some of the events of the competition: Rolo: Hanetsuki is a traditional game that takes place during the Japanese New Year, in which a soapberry seed with feathers on it is hit back and forth with a wooden paddle.

Rivalz adds more to it and says that the goal is to get the shuttlecocks into a basket, then Rolo again: Rolo: Be careful, as shuttlecocks must be hit with the wooden paddle, and getting them inside the basket using your hand or anything else will not add points to the score. We change the scene. While the competition is taking place, the Lamperouges work on whatever it is that Lelouch is planning:

Rolo: Brother, is this a good place? Lelouch: Yeah. Please go ahead. Nunnally: Is this what you said you would use in the last event, Brother?

Lelouch: That’s right. I asked Lloyd to create it. Nunnally: Professor Lloyd? What could be so gigantic that it requires Rolo’s Vincent to be transported...? Rolo: Even I, who am transporting it, have no idea. It’s just a giant ball after all.

Lelouch: Naturally, there’s a trick. Something that will surprise everyone later on. Rolo: You seem to be having fun, Brother. Nunnally: Brother likes organizing surprises more than one would expect, after all. Rolo: I know that well.

Lelouch: Ahem. Well then, the preparations are complete. The rest depends on Suzaku and Euphy.

Nunnally: The 3rd game “Kakizome Relay” should be about to begin. Rolo: Right now there’s a draw, but what will happen if one of the teams wins in straight sets in the next 2 games? Nunnally: That’s right, if there’s a winner, even though we prepared this giant ball, it won’t have its chance to appear.

Lelouch: There’s no need to worry about that. Suzaku and Euphy seem calm right now, but their natural personalities are highly competitive. If something like that were about to happen, they would persist so as not to lose at any cost. Rolo: Suzaku-san would, indeed. Nunnally: Big Sister Euphy is the same.

Lelouch: Well, since we are finished here, let’s go eat the food that the President is dishing out for us. Nunnally: Ooh, the cooking everyone made! I can’t wait. What do you want to eat, Rolo? Rolo: I want to eat the dishes too, but I’m especially looking forward to the cake. Like a Yule log and such. NEW PIECE OF INFORMATION: ROLO LIKES CAKE

Nunnally: When you think about Christmas, you think of cakes after all. Lelouch: I heard that Monica’s cooking is exquisite. There’s probably a lot more, so I can barely wait. Nunnally: Indeed.

Rolo: Yeah. None of the Lamperouges are voiced during this event, but this was still so nice. I hope Rolo gets to always be happy from now on and not forced to kill Lelouch again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, the teams are told that the last event is a ball rolling game, and Kallen comments that that sounds too plain. But suddenly, Shinkirou and Vincent show up carrying the giant ball. Rolo: Everyone, be careful not to get caught under. And then it starts “snowing”.

Nunnally: Snow? It’s snowing, right, Rolo? Rolo: Yeah. Brother had hidden it in the giant ball. You know, since it’s cold, he wrapped it up in a blanket together with Arthur. Nunnally: Thank you, Rolo. And Arthur. How cute is it that Nunnally asks Rolo aaahhhhh

Rivalz wonders whether Rolo already knew about the plan. Rolo: No, I didn’t know either, so I’m surprised. The plan in question is that Suzaku and Euphy will give speeches about how thanks to this events both teams learned about each other’s favorite festival and, seeing the snow, everyone will stop fighting, since it’s so pretty or something like that I guess. That was Rolo’s last line, and the rest is Suzaku and Euphy-centric. But to me this was the “The 3 Lamperouge siblings are finally together and getting along in 2023” event!

[doctor-fancy-pants]

Finding pieces of yourself that you thought you'd lost

I have no idea why, but after several years of not doing so, somehow this year I started writing songs again. After shipboard karaoke reminded me that it’s not just Broadway While Driving, I can actually sing and people like it, I’ve been thinking about recording something.

That being said, I never developed the “ah this song is in this key and should have these chords” skill, as that was Shayne’s job as our lead guitar, and he was VERY good at finding the bones of a song if I sang him a melody line.

He’s a metal guitarist and has the requisite chops for that — mostly what I’m after is a folk/rock vibe, so we parted ways musically many years ago.

Meanwhile: I played bass and sang. I was… okay?

(I am much better now, vocally - but from memory this gig at the Old Bar in 2009 went pretty well. That's Grace the Bass, by the way. Easy action Ibanez that didn't brutalise my hands to keep the strings down. And yes, that is my hair colour under stage lighting. Rach has pretty much nailed it in my Sea Witch profile pic.)

I played bass because no one else wanted to and I figured if I was going to pick up a stringed instrument, low end and four strings seemed easier. Also bass riffs are super fun ("Baby, I got you on my mind...").

I set all that aside when the band disbanded and the PhD got painfully intense.

I never developed the skillset of figuring out the root-note-harmonic bones of a song - so I figured I was probably not a good songwriter. Like. At all.

But the songs have just come at me this year, and old songs I wrote that I’d forgotten about, and those I always remembered…

And this is the space between Xmas and New Year. This is the time between finishing the voyage and finding the threads of my terrestrial existence.

This is the perfect time to drag out my acoustic and my bass guitar, dig out my tuners, and tune them both.

A perfect time to pick up “what is a song I know that is easy to play” so I can learn enough basic guitar to help with songwriting.

(the easiest option for me would involve the piano, which I can actually play. Again, not a virtuoso, but I muddle through. However, my great grandmother’s piano is still up on the mountain.)

A perfect time to grab some bass tabs for songs I know because that will give me a jumpstart since at one point I could, in fact, play bass.

(side note: Adele is extremely fun to sing, but there are two songs on the first album that seem to be carried by bass lines, and that has my attention.)

A perfect time to do all this and not feel self-conscious because normally there’s a voice in my head that tells me not to do this.

That voice can fuck right the fuck off. I don’t expect anything amazing to come out of my songs. I just want to have a record of them. I want to be able to play it for someone and say “I made this, and I am happy with what I’ve made.”

That voice that tells me I’m not a musician and never have been…?Jesus fkn christ I can’t actually play guitar and haven’t tried in years and my fingers still found the frets for the chords I do know without even fucking trying. There’s something there.

And in terms of practice and physical skills, I think about playing Beat Saber, and how I’m fucking good at a rhythm dance game, because I’ve played hundreds of hours.

That reminds me I can acquire physical skills.

At least, I can when the voice in my head - the one that says I look ridiculous- shuts the fuck up. Because who the fuck cares if I look ridiculous? I might as well just lean all the way in and get somewhere.

I haven't done any Beat Saber bragging in a while, but I managed to get through BTS Not Today on Expert+ and score an S on the first try, which is not too shabby.

And I’m going for achievable goals: not aiming to be a virtuoso. I just want to be able to find the structure. I want to piece together the parts of the song I don’t have, and build it up the way it deserves.

Breaking that down further: I know I need interim goals to learn new skills. It’s why I had trouble trying to teach myself coding — I need an immediate use-case, and I didn’t have one.

So: I’ll learn a song I know.

Magpie (Mountain Goats) is a set of chords I already know - bam.

More immediately: Need a capo and some picks, because I have no idea where mine ended up. Fortunately those are very cheap items, and there’s a music shop in Upwey, very close at hand.

One step (fret? Semitone?) at a time.

-Doc out

[mywritingonlyfans]

i like the idea of thomas for the dad/christmas fic 🥺

heeey!!! thanks for comment on it again!!! once again, i'm sorry for not writing that one with the person 'we' mentioned first😅 hope u like it!

-> dad!thomas raggi x reader

prompt: in which, dad!thomas is bit late for xmas to see his little girl! bonus. he teaching his little girl how to play the guitar!

warnings: none, just the good stuff today!! oh, we actually talk more about the 'finals' holiday than xmas itself on here so i hope it doesnt be too awkward for people who don't celebrate it.

-------------------++++----------------

You closed the fairytale book, putting it in its place on the shelf, and then tidied the blanket to cover Alice better. One of her arms was on her new guitar, which Santa Claus had left for her at Thomas's mother’s house; and by Santa you meant Thomas. She was so happy at the moment that you couldn't wait to show him the video. 

 Despise this, the smile on her face hadn't lasted long, you didn't know if everyone could see that she looked sad or if it was something maternal that warned you about it. She was asleep, and even though you could tell she was heartbroken, her long eyelashes rested under the freckles of her chubby face; appearing to be all agitated - she had not cried, but you knew she had held back her tears while you put her to sleep. You didn't blame her, you missed him, too. 

 You hugged your torso, wanting to stay there with her, you didn't feel like going to sleep knowing that he wasn’t home for Christmas. When you looked at her again, with her sad little face, you suddenly felt bad for not thinking about letting her sleep with you; since she liked it when you let her stay in Thomas’s side of the bed when he wasn’t around.

“I love you, angel,” you whispered, brushing her hair away from her face and placing a kiss on the prominent freckles on her nose. She mumbled something you couldn't understand, and smiling silly at your girl, you took her purrs as your cue to make your way to the kicthen.

You hummed one of Thomas’s band songs to yourself after you checked that there was no messages or new call on it. He promised he would at least contact you, and as long as you are together he never was one to broke his promises; so what you could do was wait. 

 It was the first Christmas after you had Alice that he hadn't been able to come back home on time. And as much as you told him that you understood and that everything would be fine, which was true, you couldn't deny how much you missed him.

You kept the leftovers Alice had begged her grandmother to give her on the frigde, remembering how she had planned on eating it with Thomas when he got home. Glad pleased, you could imagine how happy he’d be that she thought about doing it for him. Just when your mind was ready to get lost in a scenario where Thomas would be home for the Holidays, the vibrations of your phone interrupted you.

“Hey, babe. Merry Christmas!” You said excitedly. It was him, he wouln’t forget of you. It was late at night and you had no idea what time it was for him, but still he called. 

“Merry Christmas, babe,” He said in a slurred, almost inaudible voice. He looked a bit sapped and busy.

“It's not a good time, right? I can call you later if you can’t speak right now or are feeling too tired,”

“Nah, it’s fine,” He assured, a bit breathless, getting clearer over the phone. “How was your day? How’s Alice? God, I missed you,”

“It was good,” you sighed, thinking about being cheeky and adding that it would have been better with him, yet you were afraid that it might make him feel worse. “Alice is fine too. She loved the guitar, you will love to see it. I filmed everything, she didn’t stop jumping with it in her arms, telling your parents how it was just like the one his dad have. She misses you so much, Thommy, and I think she’s learning how to deal with it.”

“She’s learning...” he repeated. “I wish she didn't need to learn to deal with me being away from her,”

“Don’t say that, I made a bad choice of words, you know she loves you and she loves even more the way you love her extra when you’re back. She understands, Thomas,”

“She’s 5 years old, Y/N,”

You let the silence fill the chasm between you. You felt how sad he was, he had been away for a long time because of the turns before, still he always managed to return for the special dates - just as he had promised when Alice was born - but this time, well, this time it wasn’t possible.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured and you visualized in your head his eyebrows furrowing as his hand ran agonizingly through his hair, just as he always do when he‘s feeling in low spirits. “You’re right. I should be focusing on the good things, soon I’ll be home, I’m gonna teach her to play the guitar, show her all my love and be the best dad in the world,”

You laughed at his abrupt change in mood mixed with a hint of himself. “I know you will, babe,”

“I’m gonna be the best boyfriend too,” he would give continuity to his words when a loud noise of something falling stopped him abruptly.

“What was it?” You asked. You made it clear that you were suspicious, and by his nervous laugh he knew that. After all, what would he say about the noise that seemed to have come from the room next to where you were? “Oh my god, Thomas, that can’t be you.”

He didn't even need to answer, the sound of your steps going on his way was enough for him to know that you knew he was there, making him curse himself for being so clumsy. And just like in a flash, you were in his arms. He dropped his bag on the floor, giving you al of his attention as he squeezed your shape to his body.

“You’re here,” you bured your face on his chest, letting the feeling of comfort fill your nostrils, and then soul. “You’re really here.” You added in a breathless sigh.

Relief taking over his body as you snuggled into his frame, he grinned, “I promised that I would try my best to be with you all the special dates, didn't I?” He asked, holding your face so he could look at you properly. “Are you crying?”

You nodded at his soft voice. “I’m sorry,”

He laughed, a nasal sound that you missed so much. “It’s ok, 5 months is a long time,” He said, tracing kisses across your face. “I promise I’m gonna love you extra now.”

——————-

It was already possible to see the sun rissing outside, yet you refused to close your eyes and lose any moment with Thomas.

You rested your head on the pillow, waiting for him and thinking of how lucky you were that he managed to catch a last minute flight to spend the New Year at home. He was scheduled to return only after the first day of the year, somehow things would have worked out better than expected and he managed to get back sooner.

“She looks like an angel sleeping so calmly.” He spoke, lying beside you under the covers.

“I thought you were going to wake her up, she'll go crazy when she sees you.”

“I know,” He smiled, proud of himself. He knew she was the definition of daddy’s little girl. “I will wait until she wakes up. I'm dying to fill her with kisses and hugs.”

Still with his charming teeth and cute dimples on display, he pulled you to his chest, trying to wrap you in the blanket next to him. “She loves you. She doesn't care about the time you spend away, as long as you come back to her.” You nuzzled into his neck, squeezing him tighter as you said that. It was likely that this would happen more often, letting Thomas blame himself for that wouldn’t do him any good.

He bobbed, kissing your forehead, enlacing you with the same intensity. “I know, babe,”

“How was turn?” You asked, looking at him, making sure that he was fine. He was thoughtful, but it wasn’t the end of the world.

He told you about his gigs around the globe and you were happy feeling his body soften on your arms. His voice almost lulled you to sleep, but you were sure you would never tire of hearing him talk about what he loves. You showed him the video of Alice receiving the guitar, seeing his eyes fill with water after she said that she‘d be just like her father made your chest almost explode with love. In the best possible way, of course.

“You can sleep if you want, babe.”

“No, I want to spend more time with you.”

“I’m here, I am not intending to go anywhere.” He patted your hair, rubbing his nose through your hairline, and the last thing you remembered was feeling his lips on your temple.

When you opened your eyes again, he was no longer there. You rubbed your eyes tight, trying to adjust to the light, wondering if there was any possibility that it might have been a dream, but then a sweet chuckle brought you back to reality.

Alice was standing in front of you, with the guitar resting awkwardly on her shoulders. Her eyes went from you to Thomas, as if asking him if everything was all right. You smirked lightly at her features that looked the same as Thomas's.

She started playing something, which looked incredibly bad, Thomas wrinkled his nose in an attempt not to laugh so as not to discourage her. He should have spent a lot of time helping her, and she looked like she was trying. Her lips was between her teeth as she concentrated to play her less than a minute of song was so cute that as much as you didn't understand a thing, you couldn’t help but feel proud of her.

“It’s Vent'anni,” Thomas mouthed, waving his hand in a way that would get your attention but not hers. “It’s Vent'anni.”

“Oh my god!” You opened your arms for her as she finished playing, watching you with her excited eyes. “It’s Vent'anni.”

She grinned from ear to ear, handing Thomas the guitar, and then jumping into your arms.

“Did you like this?” She asked happily, making ‘this’ sound like ‘dis’. “It’s not perfect but I’ll get better, right dad?”

“Yes, better than Damiano trying to play It!" Thomas confirmed, stroking her back as he approached you. “Good mornin’, love.” he kissed the top of your head.

“I love you,” you kissed his cheek, wishing he could feel how much you love him. “And I love you too, little one,” you mumbled, pinching Alice’s nose, which eyes was stuck on the two of you.

She laughed, her gaze still on you and Thomas. She looked like a completely different person from the night before.

“Dad said you look cute when you're tired.”

You knew that you looked tired, the day before wasn’t the best and you had barely slept. You bit the inside of your cheek, looking at Thomas who had a silly smile playing on his lips and felt your cheeks get hotter. The reason you still felt that way when he complimented you was a mystery, you liked it anyway.

“You are a gossip little thing,” Thomas joked, poking at her sides.

“No, I’m not.” She laughed, trying to run away from him flawlessly, letting him hug her as she recovered her breath.

“I love you too, both of you,” she pointed a finger at both of you. Thomas's smile was priceless, you could live in there forever. “but can we play more guitar now, please?”

You agreed and Thomas got up to sit upright, putting her between his legs. He looked at you, his face still radiant, you could easily imagine him talking about you with Alice - just like you did talk about him with her as well. He positioned her tiny hands on the guitar, guiding then with his own fingers. His gentle, patient voice teaching her things that both knew she would soon forget and he would have to repeat it all over again - and you knew Thomas would do it without a problem - was lovely to watch. Her head was resting on his chest and whenever she hit a note and heard Thomas praising her, she would turn to you and say "see mom, I did it.” And you swear that you couldn't be happier to have found the meaning of the word home in two of your favorite people in the world.

[esaari]

Hi I’m new to your lovely blog and I was wondering if you could (re)introduce your ocs? Who they are and a little bit about them

Sorry it took me so long to respond I have been so tired this week,,,,

I have several OCs and most of them have AUs as well. There’s a few that don’t have much *lore* or some have none. I also have OCs that exist purely in my mind so I won’t be talking about those lol. I’ll throw in a picture so you can see who tf I’m talking about. One thing you’ll notice I don’t really give my OCs specific ages,, I am gesturing vaguely and that is enough for me LOL.

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Gabriel aka. Gabe (in his late 30s or early 40s for canon and most AUs, 6’5″, bi)

Yes I am using his xmas photo cus he looks CUTE in this.

My absolute favourite since his creation, my golden child,,, the one with the most *lore* and AUs. His background is pretty much the same in most of my AUs and canon. He grew up poor raised by just his mother cus his father was a piece of shit basically who also happened to die behind bars when Gabe was very young. Troubled childhood leading to a life of crime. He becomes a filthy rich sugar daddy though eventually doing his shady business. He is very charming at least if he likes you with a soft side for his loved ones. He can become quite the big teddy bear in a relationship. Don’t tell anyone I told you though or he might murder me in my sleep. His canon that I’ve thought about mostly involves him sitting behind bars for some years and going on a quest for revenge against people who got him there. 20s/50s AU he’s the head of a gang and is one of my favourite,,, if not my favourite,,, AU to think about. I say 20s/50s because I have both but they are essentially the same, other just involving some friends OCs as well :^) Oh and YES he was struck by lightning, that’s what those marks are. Lip scar origin changes from being punched in the face to being bitten on the lip. In modern settings he has 7 piercings: two on both ears, both nips and a PA. There’s so much more I have for this guy but I find it hard to decide what is worth mentioning.

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Beau (a little bit younger than Gabe and around the same height as well, gay)

Big stupid himbo essentially. All the brain cells in the family went to Gabe. I’m still working on him to see where he falls to but likely he doesn’t follow in his brother’s footsteps even though he does look up to him a lot. He is good and kind.

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Creed (demon age????, human age in his 40s, 7’3″, pan(?))

Everyone’s beloved big shredded demon mans. Slap his bald head for bad luck. As far as lore goes in his canon he is a demon with the ability to shift into a human form to mingle around people if he likes. In his human form however in canon or any AU he always conceals his face in some way and remains tall as fuck so he can hardly blend in. Creed doesn’t really do much as of right now other than takes care of his own needs. I may give him some additional abilities later but who knows. I also change his horn shape every now and then for fun. The bigger the horns the more horny he is? Who knows. Honorable mention of Creed in that 20s/50s AU with Gabe where he is basically hired muscle and enjoys throwing people around. Human Creed has issues with his own face and mutilating it. Overall Creed is a pretty unpleasant and selfish character who hates just about everyone.

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Alek (age 20s-30s???, 6’1″, pan)

Alek in his canon is an android. He was originally just built to be a faceless weapon like other androids in the factory he was built in. His ’father’ (someone working there) however took his design further giving him some top tier AI. I want to say he has free will, it’s fiction who cares. His looks mimic his ’father’s’ actual son that passed away cus he couldn’t come to terms with the loss and tried to recreate him hehehehe. There’s a point where Alek escapes the place after his ’father’ is murdered by his coworkers and he gets to go outside for the first time and tries to make a life for himself. He looks like an unfinished project because he is, he was supposed to look like a regular human in the end. I have some other fun ideas regarding this canon setting but it requires more work. And resembles a soap opera tbqh with all the damn twists. He has had several AUs as well but as of right now I don’t work on those.

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Marcus (age????????, 6’3″, bi)

Marcus is my vampire character from a witcher-esque universe. He’s the most relaxed motherfucker known to mankind only existing to live deliciously. He hates other vampires, especially his own family (after the incident), and is one of the rare ones that doesn’t see themselves as being above humans. He was in love once with a human and as you can imagine this did not end very well. He has built a lot of walls around himself but deep down there is a heart of gold. He can turn into a massive ugly looking bat.

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Kit (age??????, 6’5″, pan/demi)

Kit exists in the same universe with Marcus. I like to imagine the two are friends. Kit is the softest lad I have despite all the shit he has to go through. He is very shy and avoids people mostly so has had no relationship experience either,, please be nice to him asksjdfslgd. He was abandoned in the woods as a baby and raised by someone else who also named him Kit. He is a mix of a vampire and a werewolf which resulted in him being born with a fucked up arm. The scarring on his entire arm and side of face opens up every time he turns and is very painful obviously so he avoids it at all cost. He doesn’t even want to hurt anyone so it is merely a self defence mechanic. Kit also has a big monster form, a very fluffy bat looking thing with a messed up wing so he cannot fly.

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Natalie aka. Nat (20s to 30s, 5′6″, bi)

She currently only exists in the 20s/50s AU. She loves being the centre of attention and being showered in gifts. Much like Creed she is quite selfish and only looks out for herself. Honestly those two might get along pretty great. She loves to scam people and steal their money lol. If necessary she kills in cold blood to get what she came for. She at least has a softer spot somewhere deep down so if you love digging a lot you may find it.

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Karhu (????, 7’, ??????)

That half-orc guy, he has no lore, he might never have lore. Sometimes having a pair of fantastic tits is enough.

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Orion (???????????????)

I am mentioning him for the sole purpose of: he is cute. I made him a long time ago to exist in the same universe with Marcus and Kit. As far as I remember he is a werewolf (though there might have been more to this) and the scarring on his ankles, wrists and neck are from being chained up.

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Philip (late 30s currently, 6’4″, straight)

Okay now I have a total of 5 Skyrim OCs, ALL BRETONS, and all brothers... and all werewolves. Philip is the one most people prefer out of the bunch so here he is. What is it called when a man is kind and smart? That’s what this man is. Philip is the oldest of 5 with a rather tragic backstory involving him finding his mother murdered one day and being turned into a werewolf against his will. It’s something he’s come to terms with over the many years of being a werewolf. The transformation is painful and he doesn’t have full control when he turns because I just think that’s fun. If there is livestock around he is most likely responsible for their disappearance. He is currently the Arch-Mage in the College of Winterhold. A job that keeps him thankfully quite busy. He is rather touch starved and doesn’t sleep very well, poor thing.

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Sullevan (30s, slightly shorter than Philip, bi)

I was going to leave it at Philip cus he’s everyones fav out of the bunch but idc I will mention Sulle as well. Philip’s younger brother (second oldest of 5) Sullevan is the Dragonborn and he hates his job but who else will do it but him. I lovingly call him the rat man. He is such a reckless disaster with a bit of a drinking problem. He is also a single dad. Being a father is his number one joy in life.

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I’ll leave it at this,,,,,,,, I apologise for my writing I know it is very cringe. I hope you like my kids though :^) IM NOT PROOF READING THIS IF IT’S TERRIBLE THEN IT’S TERRIBLE