#who came into it with the autonomy and abilities and relationships of a grown adult

[solavelyan]

What gets me about Solas is that he says things that aren't true pretty often, but that he rarely straight-up lies on purpose. I don't think he likes doing it, and he's not great at doing it purposely. He thinks being clever is the same as being correct and views his cleverness as a trait that gives him inherent value. Fitting, given that he seems to consider himself wisdom and pride in equal measure. His value is in being what he is at the core, before all this other complex physical being stuff got in there.

When he thinks he's being more or less honest, he does just outright say things that are questionable or untrue, usually because he's projecting or mirroring and too caught up in himself to realize that he's fucking up. I think if you're too biased toward him, you'll end up with a hostile relationship with the rest of the canon because of the dissonance. He acts the part of the villain because he thinks being that kind of self-aware balances it out, but it really doesn't.

And I do think some of this comes from the fact that his devotion to Mythal is a part of himself that he has to work backwards from. I'm not against a romantic reading of Solas and Mythal, I'm not generally someone who's "jealous" about my ships in that way, but even with the in-character conversation about it, I'm really not that convinced. They don't interact like lovers outside of that one memory. His devotion doesn't read as romantic to me -- but his issues make 100x more sense to me if Mythal occupies this sort of beloved companion/functionally his mother kind of space. There are just ways that only our parents can really fuck us up.

Even in his private memories, Solas not only regrets taking a body, but remembers himself as reluctant. I don't think he had the necessary conviction to take physical form for its own sake. I don't think he could have taken a body and still called himself "Wisdom" (or whatever the Elvhen equivalent is). I simply do not believe he had the force of will for that -- which tracks with other things in canon about Wisdom spirits being rare and kind of delicate and uninterested in permanent manifestation. I think the conviction he needed to get into that body came mostly from his devotion to Mythal; his physical form is literally built on his service to her and the need to keep Elgar'nan from running amok.

He is incapable of being honest about her. His feelings about her are literally part of who he is. It's why I really don't have a problem with needing Mythal's fragments to let him go to get the redemption ending. But living his life in the place that he was living it without wholesale rebelling against Mythal (because he did rebel against her, but only technically; he fully believed she would join his rebellion and was just getting her shit together first) would have required that he make a lot of excuses for her when she wouldn't follow his advice.

I'm sure Mythal was "the best of them". Maybe before they were all Blighted and she was murdered, she really was the smartest, strongest, kindest, or the Most Good. But I think it's more likely that a lot of that was because of Solas's advice that she did listen to (because I think it's likely that did happen quite a lot, she asked him to take a body so that he could advise her), or messes that he cleaned up, or plans that he made work. He made her better, but he enabled her, too. Mythal went down in history as the slayer of the Titans, but Solas made her the knife when she asked for it instead of saying no.

And I think that when you lie to yourself so consistently about the most important thing in your life... you end up lying about everything else in some fashion, too. Because if your sense of reality is clouded, it sure does get harder to be objective about pretty much anything. And like many a genius who gets sucked into a cult because they think they're too smart not to see it coming, I think that Solas's cleverness -- and the fact that having a body seems to have tipped his scale toward Pride much more often, given his name -- only made it that much easier for him to come up with justifications and reasons anytime he might have risked a serious introspection about Mythal. To the point of be absolutely delusional for what seems to be hundreds of years about Mythal's role in the rebellion.

He can't even admit with hindsight that she was allied with Elgar'nan and actively in a war against him for centuries. There's no fucking way he's a reliable source for What Mythal Was Really Like anymore. It's questionable that he ever was. And it's not because he was under compulsion or enslaved or bound by a spell, but because spirits are creatures of emotion first and foremost. You don't need a geas to engender that level of devotion, you just need a deep companionship between creatures made of pure emotion that don't change easily.

[fallershipping]

Looker x Anabel Retrospective

The absolute ultimate Retrospective post as to explain why I’ve been on this OTP since 2016. Especially made in mind with the idea that some new peeps on the boat may not realize the extent of the lore between these two characters. Feel free to read this or skip this if you want, because I did pour out my heart and soul and it can be kind of a lengthy read.

Enjoy~

So Looker and Anabel have been two existing characters in Pokemon for the longest time, with both being sort of beloved for different reasons but not too often thought about as compared to other NPCs. One’s a reoccurring comedy relief detective since Platinum and the other is probably the most memorable and strongest of the Hoenn Battle Frontier from Emerald.

But when SunMoon dropped, these two characters got a new lease on life that no one really saw coming. This special appearance made them go from NPCs I never really thought too much about to placing them as my top two favorite Pokemon characters of all time.

The UB Task Force mission, as much as a glorified fetch quest as it seems to be, continues some of the darker, more adult themes brought along with SunMoon. While the main story dealt with subjects of abuse and what it means to be a truly strong person in the case of hardships, the post game surprisingly delves into the corrupt side of a seemingly good organization and idea of sacrificing one life to save another. What appears to be another run of the mill Looker mission takes a dive into the tragic backstory shared between certain characters, and all of this lore was scrapped in the ‘definitive’ USUM games.

So while a lot of people might have played this portion of the game, many could have skipped it entirely or didn’t give the dialogue too much thought.

But you’re asking, why is it special? And why have I cared so much for a potential romantic relationship between Looker and Anabel enough to draw them as much as I have?

Haha. Buckle up buckaroo.

So right off the bat, Looker and Anabel’s banter sets up what kind of relationship they have with one another. They’re formal as coworkers can be, but the more they talk to one another, the friendliness that they share quickly becomes apparent. They also tend to speak highly of each other, no matter if the person is in the room or gone out.

And he’s not wrong! Looker is well aware of just how capable Anabel is for a guy that isn’t really known for Pokemon battles himself.

After the first UB on the list is securely captured, Looker insists on a feast for everyone to enjoy in one of Alola’s famous restaurants, in which Anabel points out asking how he had known of this already having just now arrived here. Looker, flustered, says that he’s read it in a magazine and dashes out to make reservations, cuing Anabel to react to his odd antics in a more...

Affectionate way.

Look at that lil smile.

He’s an odd fellow, for sure. A lot of characters in the past called him weird or were off put by his personality, but Anabel is very patient and sort of endeared by him. He constantly returns to the gang yelling “It’s a catastrophe!” in different languages-- And Anabel doesn’t snap at him angrily for it, but calmly asks him to repeat himself in english so that she can understand him.

During the course of the post game while Looker’s away, Anabel is always talking about him in a positive manner. Despite his quirks, she finds him a league of his own even amongst the elite of the International Police.

Despite this acknowledgment of Looker’s skill and ability, she seems to be awfully dead set on keeping Looker as backup in their base of operations.

Anabel knows how dangerous UBs are. They’re not human criminals that he can easily deal with with his own fists-- they are aggravated alien monsters. Her imagining Looker facing one of them alone without any Pokemon to defend himself with probably scares her deeply.

Scares her enough for her to constantly assign him to be backup for her and the Protag, despite his protests and his expertise in fieldwork.

And yet she never fails to remind him that he is important regardless of whether he’s on the field fighting alongside her or set to backup. Almost, in a way, finding a way to flatter him. (smiling at him as reassurance or perhaps even putting up a bit of charm) She is thankful for his help on getting intel and he’s a valuable asset to the mission, but she cannot bear the thought of her friend getting hurt when she can handle the UBs with her own fully trained Pokemon team.

However, despite her confidence, Anabel grows more and more fatigued with each UB encounter. Looker’s worry rises and he tries even harder to let himself take her place in the field.

As much as she also insists on not wanting to worry him, Looker’s usual goofy and eccentric demeanor begins to change. His speech patterns start to become more serious and his sentences trail off more often, which throughout all the games, is a rather rare sight to see. His care for Anabel brings out something vulnerable and emotional out of someone self proclaimed hard-boiled.

With all the respect he gives her and all the times he commemorates her aptitude, he still fears for her greatly.

And when a familiar character appears, we understand why.

Nanu comes in to talk about the truth behind Anabel’s reappearance in the series; much like the UBs, she came from another world through Ultra Space and ended up as what Interpol dubbed as a Faller. 

Fallers are bathed in the energy from ultra wormholes. Thus, UBs are attracted to these humans, mistaking them as a way back home and going on the attack. Back then, Interpol found a particular use for Fallers by using them to direct the attention of UBs away from public areas.

Which is what happened ten years prior to the events of SunMoon. Looker, Nanu, and a third member were sent to fight a Guzzlord. However, Looker hesitated in harming it further when it realized it was just scared monster sent here against it’s will. But his lapse in judgment cost the life of the third member, a Faller woman, to fall victim to Guzzlord’s attack.

Looker and Nanu took down the Guzzlord but learned the horrible truth about their companion, who was not trained in combat-- she was designated as bait, but the catastrophic results were a failure that shadows Interpol forever. Not long after, the two agents found a woman washed up Poni’s shore recollecting nothing about herself but her name; Anabel.

This is why Looker has been growing ever so worried for Anabel’s safety and why he even asked the champion in the first place to help. The protag is indeed a Faller as well. He thought he could be able to control the situation with having a fantastic trainer who befriended Solgaleo/Lunala to keep the UB outbreak in check-- To make sure Anabel was safe. After all, the protag is able to help the mission go along beautifully and safely capture each UB.

But not without a price. Anabel was still being hurt, and Nanu had to intervene to make Looker realize that he had made a big mistake.

After all, Anabel isn’t aware that she’s a Faller herself. Why doesn’t she know yet? Wouldn’t Looker tell her? Or Nanu?

It would appear as Interpol learned something after all these years, and isn’t really using her as Bait as they did before with the first Faller. Anabel is said to have autonomy over this and chose to save the UBs from a worse fate. Unlike the first Faller, she was properly trained for the UB Task Force missions and for many other Interpol related missions as her own strong, resourceful agent. However, Interpol is still quiet about her status as a Faller and anything relating to them from the past.

And Looker, years after the incident with Guzzlord, is now met with an Anabel with a newly built Interpol life determined to help people, Pokemon, and UBs in need no matter what. She absolutely believes in her successes and her cause. And she is adamant of going on these missions. Looker grows a bond with her and is faced with this troubling realization;

To tell her the truth would mean to collapse the whole world upon her.

After all... Having rebuilt her life, seeing her so confident, so passionate about what she’s doing... He sees her succeed in something he feels all too familiar with-- Starting from the bottom and creating an identity, somehow.

Having been found in the Battle Resort, washed ashore with no memory, not even a name to go by. Looker knows her pain more than anyone else. She needs to know about what she is going through-- But the uttermost pain she will feel and the lingering eyes of Interpol’s heads has been keeping him mortified and silent.

So he does anything and everything in his power to protect her in the meantime, before she can be told the truth. And with the way the Alola mission went, that time is coming up real soon.

However, with the protag and Nanu’s help the UB Task Force finally had every UB under control. And Anabel was kept safe and sound, much to Looker’s relief. They can finally enjoy some time off and no doubt will be in for quite a long, painful, but necessary conversation when the time comes.

Not of course before Looker going off into a slight panic over the idea of Anabel going on a date.

And that was the line that made me totally think “Oh yep, yep! Looker’s got a massive crush on her!”

SO! What’s the take away from all this madness??

The fact that Looker and Anabel care deeply for one another so much, as they go far too out of their way to protect each other from harm. Not just out of necessity, but their banter clearly shows that there’s a deeper connection between the two than just a professional coworker one.

You might argue that Looker is only worrying about her this deeply because of what he went through all those years ago and is trying to prevent the same thing from happening, and yet... He’s grown to appreciate and know Anabel for who she is. She is in fact her own agent that joined Interpol on her own volition and chose to do the UB missions due to her empathy to the lost beings so far from home.

He knows when she’s unwell, he knows why she hides it away. He understands her as a person and it’s wonderful how much they show that they grew to have a bond with one another. Enough for both of them to catch on to each other’s quirks and feel comfortable.

The small giggle that she gives him, the small yet playfully affectionate jab, the way it just says “Oh there he goes again thinking about the feast at this time... Just Looker being Looker~” Because she also knows him deeply as well! This man is not one of her best allies but one of her most trusted companions in this new life of hers and it shows!! 

They’re each other’s most trusted companions and their partnership is just wonderful to see.

Of course, romance can’t happen between them yet-- Not until Anabel knows the truth about Fallers and what Interpol did long ago. But let’s be honest, even the big angst/hurt/comfort fest that would come from that conversation would be a whirlwind of emotions that would just end up with them having an even stronger relationship than they’ve ever had before.

It’s not just that they look wonderful together, complement each other, and such-- It’s all those things plus the backstory and close bond and tragedy that comes from this mission. It makes me want to see them overcome every hurdle and be happy with one another and have all the joy and happiness they deserve after all they’ve been through.

I want to see them in more situations where they can be casual with one another, fight alongside one another, and so on so forth. They just have so much potential and I really think Game Freak sees it too.

And as for a lil bonus, Looker in USUM finding out the protag is the champion but is more impressed with Anabel’s knowledge than the actual champion. Also they’re always vacationing together mutually huh hmm wowie?

--

tl;dr go ship Looker/Anabel aka Fallershipping aka Lookabel best ship 10/10

[enchantingdonutcheesecake]

Personality development

Personality is the result of interaction between the individual with his/her factors within and outside our body and mind. "Personality consists of some distinctive patterns of set of behaviors including thoughts and emotions which characterize the individual’s adaptation to the situations of his or her life". All in all, what we are is determined by situations surrounding us. In this article, let`s focus on personality development over different age-groups.

 Personality from 0 - 2 years

Most often people think that personality is all about the physical outlook that we acquire as we grow, furthermore, personality is not anything to do at the early babyhood (infancy and toddlerhood). In fact, it is not true, instead, early childhood such as infancy is the true foundation of the personality. This is because many behavioral patterns, attitudes and emotional expressions are being firmly established when we are young. The influences that a child undergoes creates a strong and long-lasting impressions therefore, this is a right age to create the most significant social values. Any behaviors acquired at this phase have a lifelong influence on the child's adaptations to the crisis. The term 'infant' means an extreme helplessness as infant is completely dependent .Nevertheless, it is a time of rapid growth and development surrounded by a number of   radical adjustments. The infant’s personality is the aggregation of a number of physical, social and emotional factors. An average infant weighs 7 lbs and measures 18-19 inches. He or she demonstrates spontaneous eye movements, yawning, and turning and lifting the head, as the growth progresses, child can gradually learn bowel and bladder control. At this phase common skills such as self-feeding, self-dressing, walking alone and climbing stairs can indicate that the child is normal. Infant`s vocalization such as  cooing, gurgling, crying, can gradually develop into babbling, and an unclear speech.  The baby can express emotional reactions in an intense and sudden manner for whatever the stimulus. These reactions may be comprehended as the states of pleasantness characterized by relaxing of the body and the state of unpleasantness characterized by tensing of the body. At the later phase, child can express emotions such as anger, fear, curiosity, joy, affection. Most important to note here is, babies who undergoes more of pleasant emotions tend to lay the foundation for good personal and social adjustments later on in life. The infant can develop self-trust by trusting in what he or she sees and hears. Feelings of distrust develop if the baby's needs are unmet which  leads to personality issues such as clinging, greed, giving up easily, and demanding behavior, taking rather than giving, etc.

 Personality  in early childhood (2-6 years)

A t this phase growth proceeds at a slow rate as compared with the rapid rate of Personality Traits .  The most important psychosocial accomplishment at this stage is the development of autonomy or independence. If trust and security do not develop at this stage , a child fails attain  autonomy . This is the phase in which the child begins to know the difference between right and wrong, which can therefore  lay down standards of behavior and rules of conscience that can guide much of his or her behavior. During this phase, specific crisis is between initiative and guilt. If the child successfully passes through these behaviors, it leads to internalization of values which can make him or her to be able to differentiate between right and wrong. Anything that is taught wrongly at this phase can seriously hamper his moral and ethical behaviors in the elater stage. A child with faulty autonomy traits exhibits clinging and dependent. He may develop characteristics such as stubbornness, compulsive cleanliness and extreme self-control,  intense anxiety or guilt or an antisocial personality.

  Personality  in  late Childhood (6-11 years)

• This phase is characterized by a slow and uniform growth growing at annual rate of   2-3 inches, and the average annual weight increase to 3-5 lbs. Child expresses pleasant expressions, although outbursts of anger, anxiety and frustration tend to continue occasionally. This is the stage child has increased ego control over basic drives. Behavioral characteristics including sympathy and concern for others, cleanliness, modesty, co-operation and willingness to share things can develop. The child now understands beyond the family and begins to interact with the social system.  It is during this phase, the developmental tasks such as acquisition of social skills, incorporating social values and patterns, and competition and interaction with peers develops slowly. Failure in mastery of the tasks may end up with emotional instability, low self-esteem, inferiority and lack of confidence.

 Personality  in adolescence (12-19 years)

It is a period of adventure, storm and stress, action-oriented and highly unstable in many interests. The important vital changes that can occur during this phase include changes in body size and proportion and most importantly the primary and secondary sexual traits. A fundamental change at this phase can be the development of self-consciousness. Adolescents becomes more concerned about how others see them and react to them. This can result in making them apprehensive and extremely self-conscious.  This is a significant phase where there is consolidation of personality .Adolescents are characterized by gaining independence from the family, sexual maturity, establishing meaningful relationships with peers of both genders, and ability to take decisions about life, career,  and work. Adolescents try to avoid parents and they tend to conflict with them very often. The approval of their own age group is much more important than the approval of adults. Intense conflicts can occur if the values of the group conflict with those of the parents. Being a member of the peer group has a strong influence on the self-identity and self-esteem of the adolescent. Adolescents tend to behave in a way very similar to responsible adults but not stable always. Some of the problems that  adolescent can face are identity-crisis, psychosis, neurosis, breaking rules of society.

 Personality  in early adulthood (20-40 years)

The term' adult' came from the Latin word 'adulius', -meaning grown to full size and strength. Theya re . At this phase, the individuals completed their growth and are ready to assume social status in  the society. Adult’s physical and psychological changes accompany the beginning of reproductive capacity but their Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) comedown gradually. The 4 significant social expectations include choice of career, choosing a life partner, generativity and child-rearing capacity. If the young adult are being pampered by their parents, difficulties arise in forming intimate relationships with others.

 Personality in middle adulthood (41-60 years)

Middle aged adults tend to decline in their physical development however, social maturity and tolerance grows slowly.  Faulty lifestyles and social freedom may lead to diseases such as hypertension, diabetes and cancer. A number of physical discomforts and mood changes may accompany. Women may enter menopause, and they may become depressed, hostile and self-critical with tendency to have mood swings but  these can  disappear once endocrine balance is restored. During this phase people are occupied with lot of responsibilities of work and family. Failure to gain appraisal and responsibilities  may lead to marital, social or occupational conflicts which can eventually push them to addiction and substance abuse.

 Personality  in late Adulthood (60years and above)

This is the phase of ageing characterized by the wrinkling of skin, stooped posture, weakness, anemia, flabbiness of muscles, diminishing vision and hearing as well as loss of immunity. The elderly people are characterized by the loss of physical abilities, intellectual processes, and occupation and work roles, intimate ties (due to death of spouse). The main adjustments to be made at this stage are, adjustment to job loss, retirement, health, loss of spouse and loss of friends. If favorable factors such as retention of old friendships, satisfaction of needs,  better social attitudes are gained, they foster their self-esteem and respect, nevertheless, without adequate support to sustain and bear the losses the older adult is vulnerable to a profound sense of insecurity. Despair and disgust can take over the person, including the feeling, time is running out and there are no alternatives possible at this late date.

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[magnoliasinbloom]

Let me get personal for a second or two.

I was feeling like shit and I came on tumblr and was immediately laughing at a Pride and Prejudice post, and feeling better. So thank you for that.

The reason I’m feeling shitty… most of you know of my upcoming surgery. Here’s the reason for my surgery: I’m having a hysterectomy. Buckle up, this is a long ride…

I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids (myomas) 2 years ago, when I came back from my honeymoon. I had to stop taking birth control pills bc they were messing with my hormones—my body straight up started rejecting them. So we were super careful about protection, since a baby wasn’t in our plans. I already have a daughter from a previous relationship, but we wanted to wait and see if we wanted chlidren together. This is something that we agreed upon since we started dating years ago, before we married. I’ve always been vocal about the fact that I didn’t want any more children. I knew I didn’t want any more children, but if my husband (let’s call him RAS) wanted one, I would do it for him. This was always our understanding.

We agreed to table the discussion for our first anniversary. It rolled around, turns out we are on the same page about not having kids, so cool. The myomas were still in there, and then they started wreaking havoc on my uterus. There’s 4 of the little fuckers in there, two inside, two outside. One of the inside guests has currently grown to the size of a lime (about 3 cm across). Fun part, it’s embedded halfway in my endometrium, which for the past year has been causing irregular periods that sometimes last 2 weeks, heavy bleeding (so heavy for the first few days that I actually wear an adult diaper to bed) and change my pad AND tampon every 2 hours. Cramps, migraines, anemia, vertigo, you name it. The doctor recommends a myomectomy (get the fuckers out, right?).

Now, since we don’t want children, the myomas have an 80% chance of coming back even if they take them out, and what if they are not benign next time and I get cancer? Every procedure is like a C-section—they can’t go in vaginally bc they risk puncturing my uterus and sepsis. So I ask my gyno about a hysterectomy. Just leave my ovaries in there so I don’t go into menopause right away (I’m 35). He fully agrees, if that’s what I want—which was a relief bc I’ve heard all the stories about doctors who “know best” and ignore their patients’ wishes, right. I ask him what I should do, and he refuses to answer, bc rightfully so, it’s totally up to me. He only says that a hysterectomy, based on my case, would be absolutely medically justified and as though sensing what’s coming, he also tells me that no one would be in any position to judge me. Well, they sure as hell are trying.

I’ve been enduring comments for a while now, when I openly state I don’t want children. That WE don’t want children. Well-meaning friends and acquaintances even, all say that I will change my mind, that I had a bad previous experience so it’s only natural, but that I should have another child, that I’m still young, what about my husband, why am I being selfish, what about our parents bc they want more grandchildren (or in RAS‘s case, their first). As though my daughter doesn’t already count as their grandkid, but go off, I guess.

Basically, people saying that I don’t know my own mind, my own body, my own desires. People trying to take away my bodily autonomy, my agency. Just today, my mom made certain comments, all about people who desperately want kids but can’t have them. Every time I say, “I’m so sorry to hear that, I wish them all the best and hope they achieve their dream of having children.” What else can I say? Her argument here is that there’s ppl who can’t have kids, and here YOU are not wanting any. I tell her it’s the equivalent of saying, “Eat everything on your plate, there’s children in Africa who are starving.” I’m not sending them my leftover food, just as I’m not giving away any babies I could potentially have to these infertile couples.

My MIL, whom I adore, today tried to guilt-trip A into talking me out of the surgery. The surgery that’s happening in like 5 days. She never said anything to me, and she’s actually been pretty supportive, but I guess this is her last-ditch effort before I lose the ability to bear children. Her grandchildren. That hurt, bc up until now I knew how she felt, but she seemed to understand it was totally A’s and my decision. Which it is. Only ours.

I cried while RAS told me this—he didn’t tell me to make me feel bad, but bc now he’s also getting the comments. I cried while I told him what my own mother had said today. He knows about all the other comments ppl have made over the years. But now he understands a little better. I just realized, that bc I’m the woman, it’s my body, and I’m making this monumental decision, I will always be seen as the bad guy in this scenario—because I refused to have children to please others, to conform to society, to do what was expected of me. RAS has seen me suffer every month, in pain, anxiety attacks, and he just wants me to be happy and healthy. We’re in a good place right now, financially stable, giving OUR DAUGHTER a good life, and all the attention she deserves, and this is how we want to remain. And of course, first and foremost, it’s my fucking HEALTH we’re talking about.

I realized, ppl can talk, to my face, but most likely it happens behind my back, and still—I’m making a personal, conscious choice, and nobody has the right to question it.

Thank you all for your support; I just really needed to get this off my chest and this is my safe space. If you made it this far, know that whatever choice you make for you, for your well-being (physical or emotional), for your health—I support you. Live your best life.

[worthyofluv]

Side Effects of D*ck too Bomb

Many of us weren’t properly educated on sex, the purpose of it and how to responsibly and respectfully engage in it by taking into account our health and safety, our emotions, the state of the relationship and what we want to achieve from said act. In my personal experience, the area where I missed the mark the most was when it came to having a meeting of the minds with the individual I was being intimate with. In other words, my head was in one place, theirs in another. I’m a vibey person, and so I often made the mistake of making decisions based on the chemistry rather than seeing the situation for what it really was.

Allot of us never got the infamous “talk,” but instead experienced the opposite. Whether our very natural desires were repressed and never acknowledged for religious regions or personal beliefs of sex being dirty or reserved for grown folk. Or maybe our caregivers were negligent resulting in us being exploited and unprotected at a vulnerable age. Residing on either end of the spectrum can show up in the form of disconnection, impulsive behavior, and choices being made by the ego, rather than from that part of us that be knowin. That part of us that becomes diminished over time as we become distracted by the daunting tasks of adulting; our inner guide. When we don’t create the space to re-parent ourselves, cultivate our own belief systems, and get to know ourselves on an intimate level, allot of suffering can come from possessing a false narrative around sex and how we relate to it.

Growing up, I can recall moments where I’d hear things like “you better not come home with no belly.” (black parents love saying that sh*t) or being referred to as a bitch and a slut when the word got out that I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I can even recount a time when I was told that I’d only be good for laying on my back. So naturally, I experienced allot of shame, but also became quite the rebellion. (No irony there)

I was also a curvy girl all my life. So as you can imagine, there was allot of projection and shaming around my body as well. Imagine the confusion that came over me when in 6th grade, this kid approached me to tell me that his boy, J.J., wanted to let me know that he thought I was thick. I had no fuckin clue what that meant because in my world, there was something wrong with my body. I was constantly hyper sexualized in spaces where I should have been empowered, uplifted and guided. But after years of peeling back layers of shame and anger, I realized that there was no time for any of that. We were in survival mode, and we cannot be taught which was not taught to our parents. Or maybe I’ve conceptualized the whole thing in my mind as a way to cope. Either way, I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

After many years of social research, I now understand that when J.J. sent the homie over to tell me that I was thick, he was giving me a compliment and perhaps trying to use said compliment to segway into a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. That definitely went over my head. LOL

But the real reason I brought you here today is because I felt called to start a dialogue about how shame can play a role in our choices when it comes to sex. More specifically, the side effects when the D*ck is too bomb!

Let’s get into it ;)

These N***s are Actual Wizards in The Sheets

When the D*ck is too bomb, you might find yourself in a situationship for two years only for him to commit to someone else. And in an effort to reclaim what you thought was yours, you say “but I love you,” and he responds, “but I don’t love you.” (Ouch!)

D*ck too bomb might have you going back to a toxic n***a, even though you are cognitively aware that he is toxic, but you’re just hoping that he will experience a spiritual awakening and realize that you are the backwoods to his Mary Jane. Ha-ha. The joke is on you sis. He’s just not that into you. But that’s ok!

Side Note: In this context, what I mean by toxic is someone who is mentally and emotionally unavailable or someone who just isn’t into you, but rather than clearly and explicitly telling you that he doesn’t want anything too heavy, he proceeds to deal with you and your emotions in a careless manner. This is NOT for the men who are honest in their dealings with women, only for the woman to create her own agenda in an effort to get cuffed. That’s a separate conversation for a separate time. What I am describing is an individual who is unaware of himself, doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings, or someone who is manipulative. He is in it solely for his pleasure. Some might refer to what I call toxic as a fuck boy. But I digress.

Bomb D might have you responding with a sense of urgency when you get that “come thru” text, only to see a newly posted picture of him and his girl the very next day as you peruse down your Facebook timeline. (Really bro?)

You might get hoodwinked into becoming a WHOLE side chick all because the “vibe” was right. And now you gotta change your number because your goofy ass fell in love.

Great sex will have you falling for someones representative rather than who they are at the core.

Bomb D will have you ready to commit to a n***a who you haven’t taken the time to understand or even know if the two of you are truly compatible.

It’ll have you fighting baby mama’s in the middle of the street (so embarrassing) and acting a whole ass and doing things completely out of character to keep Mr. D*ck too bomb, hoping that he has a spiritual awakening and makes you his wife or whatever the fuck they do in fairy tales.

Bomb Diggity D will have you on the pill despite experiencing adverse reactions like depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation and no menstrual flow, just so he can have his way with you. 

Great D*ck could potentially have you settling for crumbs when you deserve a full course meal.

D*ck too bomb will have you thinkin you wit the shits, whole time you’re just a scared little girl trying to fill a void that was created in your childhood. (Sheesh)

A word: Being crazy isn’t cute at all. It’s a waste of energy, usually towards a situation that is either out of your control, or towards something that you knew all along was occurring, but chose to remain blind. Emotional intelligence, autonomy over one’s self and the ability to use discernment is sexy.

I am not credible

I am no sexpert or relationship coach, so understand that I am only giving you my perspective from my very limited sense of perception. I have however experienced the unflattering side effects of d*ckmitization, as a result of an overwhelming amount of unworthiness and emptiness bleeding into my adolescence and adult years. My only goal here is to help someone who may not have the language to describe what they’re feeling, and to show others that we’re all fucked up in some way lol. And that when we shine a light on our flaws, they can no longer thrive in the dark crevices of our soul. I truly believe that having these difficult conversations are a fundamental part of us becoming the most authentic version of ourselves. Vulnerability actually feels kinda cool (Thanks Brene Brown)

Self-Preservation Hot Girl Style

My loves, if you find yourself in the rabbit hole of trying to seek validation and love through sexual means, than he is not the one who needs a spiritual awakening. It’s you! You are the problem, but you are also the solution. It’s time to work on you.

I encourage you to find solitude for a little while. Get acquainted with your own body. Touch yourself. Consider being celibate while you gain clarity. Seek therapy. Get in touch with your spirituality. Explore your belief systems around sex. Are you ok with casual sex? Do you need an emotional connection? Can you be friends with benefits? Or do you prefer a commitment? What are your thoughts on monogamy, cheating, marriage, kids? In what ways do you identify with your femininity or masculinity and how does that translate in the bedroom?

Make having an intimate relationship with yourself a priority so that you can navigate certain situations with more grace and less confusion. Read books, watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts, talk to folks who been there done that. Invest in self-care practices like yoga, massages and dancing to cultivate that mind, body and spirit connection. Make loving yourself a ritual and understanding your nature a necessity. It is from this place of being grounded in who you are that you can make choices that align with your true values. We attract what we are. And when we have not taken the time to understand ourselves, we risk ending up in situations where we are disrespected, but really, we are only disrespecting ourselves. On the contrary, being self-aware can spare us allot of drama, because when we are in our power, it really doesn’t matter how bomb the D*ck is if it’s attached to someone who doesn’t value us or at the very least care about our well-being. We begin to observe his character to see if he’s worthy of our time and energy. And if he isn’t, that’s ok. We make a mental note that we’re not compatible, and we keep it moving. Cuz it really don’t even be that deep.

Pun intended.

-Divine

[imaginedworldsmagazine-blog]

I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world … or am I?

The world of Barbie becomes what you make it, the limit is your imagination. In this instance, the imagined world becomes play time, which becomes an important part of child development.

Imaginative play is a common theme in child development and is done in many different ways through different toys and games. The way that imagined worlds display our world in a familiar way is presented in playing with dolls through what Jerome Singer explains is a child’s fundamental need to shrink the large, loud world down to a manageable size so they can test their ideas in everyday situations. The differences between the imagined world and the real world can be explained with child development.

The influences surrounding doll play open up a lot of ways to understand this imagined world. Gender stereotypes and gendered marketing become embedded within this world and impacts children’s creativity and development. Jody Devos explains that when a child selects a doll and they begin to create a world of adventure, “he or she is crafting a narrative or story line, involving literacy skills, flexible thinking, self-expression, taking initiative, and more”. This gender neutral statement came with a lot of questions for me and allowed me to contemplate the way dolls and specifically Barbie branded dolls influence the imagined world that a child creates, the gender influences and possible pressures of this combination.

The characteristics given to Barbie have gender implications that interact with child development and the imagined worlds that are created by each child. In a podcast produced by Leital Molad, is the history of Barbie, within which lies the core characteristics and inspiration for Barbie revealing important gender implications embedded in Barbies character.

Barbie was invented by Ruth Handler in 1959 and was inspired two things: one was a doll that Ruth saw in a shop window in Europe named Lilly. Lilly was a sexy novelty gift for grown men, based on a sexy character from a raunchy comic strip. The second inspiration was Ruth’s daughter who played with child-like, paper dolls which she used to fantasise about adult life. So Barbie was created as a way for young girls to imitate the world around them through a sexualised, wholesome, American woman.

Barbie’s values became about fashion, looking sexy in those clothes, and being an independent woman that collects occupations rather than building a relationship with a man.

I would like to acknowledge all gender related arguments when it comes to children playing with Barbie dolls and Barbie’s existence. These arguments seem to have remained the same over time, adding and subtracting points for each side depending on the context of the time, mainly these arguments have surrounded the female gender and impacts of Barbie of young girls.

Gender continues to be disputed in contemporary society and because of this it is important to understand the ways in which boys are influenced by Barbies messages - the worlds that are set up for boys and girls within Barbie as well as the worlds imagined by boys and girls. DeVos explores the benefits of all children playing with Barbie dolls explaining that playing with Barbies is helpful for boys who need to develop the same emotional skills as girls and sometimes aren’t allowed to participate in that sort of emotional exploration and self-expression.

From the very beginning Barbie has been a gendered toy, created and marketed for a young girl to play with. In general, creating an imagined world with dolls influences a child’s development in a positive way. However, the gender stereotypes embedded within Barbie have a substantial impact on the worlds created. These stereotypes reinforce toys that fit into the male gender and masculine stereotypes by excluding them from the Barbie world and supporting the gender binary. A Conversation article explains that these stereotypes embedded within toys is justified with letting, or forcing, “girls be girls” or “boys be boys”. This implies that there are a natural set of likes and dislikes for each gender that are unaffected by the culture in which we live. Without this culture in media, advertising or being enforced by parents and peers, boys are likely to continue playing with Barbie’s and the one’s that do anyway would do so without negative pressures that tell them what they are doing is wrong.

DeVos explains that marketing images take away from a child’s perspective of self and others. So do the toys that are given to them represent the world?

In Barbie’s creation was the intention to give young girls a toy to recreate and understand experiences in their life with an adult figure more realistically representing who they are playing out, however, the realistic nature of Barbie creates the idea of an ideal woman’s form. Although Barbie’s ability to do anything and everything creates a message that anything is possible, even if you are a girl, her form creates a connotation of un-achievability through an unrealistic physical appearance.

Barbie is a figure representing a matured adult whose options in life are limitless. In 1959 this was important as she was a mode for children to create an imagined world beneficial for their development, as a figure that can more realistically represent the images seen in real life, compared with child-like figures that toys depicted. Her contribution to childhood imagination only becomes toxic in her gendered nature, from the way she is marketed to the embodiment of some kind of ideal woman’s form. This form solidifies and perpetuates gender stereotypes within the environment of a child’s creation of an imagined world, an environment which helps develop a child emotionally. This allows the message to become so much more real for a child, as the game becomes a tool to understand what is real, what is right and wrong. It turns a positive message of independence and financial autonomy into something that seems unrealistic and unachievable when matched with her physical appearance.

Written by Bree Zammit