#who am i kidding that genre of character has me in a chokehold | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

awakeshedreams · 3 years ago

Text

sugar and spice ( 1 )

pairing : resident bad boy!jjk x model student!reader

setting : highschool!au x stepbrother!au

summary :

a messy highschool!au x stepbrother!au where model student reader who has quite a few dirty little secrets sees her world take an unexpected turn when her mother comes home one day with an engagement announcement, to the father of none other than the school's resident bad boy.... Jeon Jungkook.

genre : smut, for laughs, kinda pornish, slow burn with collosaly overwhelming sexual tension

rating: soft m ( for now ) due to adult content

warnings : unconventional relationship of sexual nature, tropes and clichès, teenagers partaking in porn-esque activities, made up things with made up people happening in a made up world, don't like don't read XD

wordcount : 2.3K

a/n : i've been fighting in a long standing war and I have lost. the man known as jeon jungkook had his foot on my neck for years and today, I have finally submitted to my fate and surrendered to his reign.

yes. after a hundred years, i'm writing again. specifically, writing for bts. particularly, writing for jungkook. its been a long time coming.

life just took over and I transitioned into an adult and kind of grew out of the state of mind I was in before. but. sigh. jeon jungkook has been tormenting me the whole time. it was only a matter of time before i relapsed honestly.

so here I am again. in mind, body and spirit, a different person from who I was before but still the same in the sense that with the way bts have my whole heart, jk will always be the demon in the corner of my room that I invite to bed for a cuddle even though it's (probably really) not good for me.

do not misconstrue. I love him more than I can say. but. sigh. he has me in a chokehold, loves. please try to understand where I'm coming from.

anyways, enough with this ranting. you all came here for the nitty gritty so let me not hold you hostage with my dilemma rambling any longer. here's to the first bts fic i've posted in literal years. introducing- sugar and spice.

1 2

Unless they told someone, no one would have been able to guess it.

At school they were complete strangers.

She was the nice head girl with a clean record, all smiles and straight A’s. He was the mysterious bad boy with a track record, all tatted up with bruised knuckles.

She wore plaid skirts with neat pleads in them and pastel sweaters with bows at the collar. He wore jeans with rips in them and leather jackets with studs.

They couldn't have been any more different.

As far as anyone was concerned, they existed on two extreme ends of a vast spectrum.

What they didn't know was that they shared a dirty little secret.

You were a girl with many dirty secrets.

For instance, you used to sell nudes online. It was a side hustle you did.

Not because you needed money.

Your mom was a renowned doctor so there was more than enough of that in your life.

Not because you needed validation from people online either.

Even without the constant compliments and the praises you knew you were visually blessed with a pretty face and a nice body too.

All things considered, you simply thought you had a nice pair of tits and you took pictures of them sometimes.

Posting the shots you snapped online came much later when you heard about this website where people were getting paid crazy money for posting racy things.

‘It’s just so degrading…’ It was one of your friends, June, who sneered, pretty nose scrunched up. She fixed her long ponytail and rolled her brown eyes while looking in the mirror at her locker. ‘Who would do such a thing, am I right?’

She said this, but June was the girl who has slept with more boys than she could count on her two hands. And those were the ones she told you about.

Like every other time, you said nothing. Even when it carried on to lunch with the rest.

‘Pretty desperate if you ask me.’ Mei the stellar track runner shrugged casually as she stretched her limbs like routine.

‘Where are their parents?’ Nina the library nerd shook her head in disapproval as she fixed her glasses so it sat right on the bridge of her nose.

‘Um… I don’t think it’s … appropriate… to talk about ….’ Kiko the one who always carried a cross and bible around mumbled into her sleeve.

All your friends spoke of it in derision and repulsion of course. This was a school for proper children so they were proper girls. At least they were supposed to be.

Regardless the conversation sparked a curiosity in you.

So you made an account and uploaded your first picture. Nothing bizarre. Just your tits in a pretty lace bra.

You made sure to keep your face out of the frame because that was the smart thing to do and you were nothing if not the smartest student in school.

In all honesty, you weren’t expecting anything out of it. In fact, in between work with student council and tutoring your juniors with finals right around the corner, you even forgot about it for an entire month.

It was by a complete whim that you decided to open the app while you’d been unwinding at your desk following a tedious day at school.

To say you were amused by the response you found waiting for you would have be a grave understatement.

You were staring at the four figure digit that now sat in your bank account.

Reading through the comment section was even more interesting.

There were all sorts of people there who had all sorts of things to say. Ranging from honestly sweet to downright dirty.

You had never been brought to tears laughing in her life before until then.

It was just so funny to see people misbehave and lose their minds over a pair of tits.

From then on it just sort of became a thing.

But that wasn't the worse of your secrets.

You were making a name for yourself on the crude web months later.

The next step was naturally to move from making taking pictures to making videos. Since you was already in too deep you didn’t see why not.

So you upgraded and opened another account. An amateur one where your touched yourself for an audience.

You were no prude.

You might have never been touched by a boy before but you had touched yourself plenty times. Stress and frustration came hand in hand with being head girl. Since you couldn’t quite vent it out at the annoying troublemakers at school, this was your second best option.

Third was watching porn, but that was mostly when you were extremely bored.

But that wasn’t where that little endeavor ended.

Later on it became a lot more risqué.

It all started when your mom hit you with a marriage announcement.

She met a guy on her business trip who she really liked and she was convinced he was the one.

Your mom had a tragic history of being a bad judge of character.

You’ve had this conversation at least five times since you became old enough to understand that boys and girls who were just friends didn’t kiss and sleep with each other.

Most times, it felt like she was doing it because she thought you needed a dad around.

You might have once, when you were younger and your mom was too busy with work to be there. But she worked from home these days and you were soo busy with school to worry about things like that.

This time it was like she was doing it for her. You were glad.

Your mom looked genuinely happy when she spoke about this guy.

Who were you to get in the way?

She spent almost the whole weekend in the kitchen. It was the longest you’ve seen her in there in your entire life.

She was excited for the dinner on Sunday.

Mr Jeon was the name of the chosen man.

He was coming over with his kid. A son, his only family. His wife passed away years ago.

You wore the dress your mom picked out for you, something cream in color and off the shoulders that brushed your knees. She looked pretty in her champagne dress. It was different from the office slacks and loose blouses you were used to seeing her in.

You stood by her at the door while the guests came through.

Lifting your head from a polite bow, you found herself staring straight into an achingly familiar pair of glinting dark eyes and went completely still.

‘Sweetie,' Your mother said sounding delighted, a soft hand on your stiff shoulder. 'This is Mr Jeon and his son Jungkook.’

Ah. Fuck.

‘Jeon dear, this is my daughter. Isn’t she lovely?’

Dinner was a mild affair, with small talk and the occasional clinking of cutlery on fine china.

From the outside looking in, you probably looked the picture perfect family already.

Only if no-one looked close enough.

Arms crossed, tongue in cheek. Your discomfort could be detected from miles away.

The two adults were oblivious.

The dark eyed boy with the slightest wave to his nape touching, brow grazing, ear covering onyx hair sat across you though; he took note of this with a passing glance and wordlessly returned to his food.

Jeon Jungkook had a countenance that betrayed his reputation.

Even though you’ve never talked, you knew plenty about him and you were sure he knew a lot about you too.

You went to the same school.

Dressed as he was in a crisp white dress shirt buttoned at the wrist and dark tailored pants with a fine belt on, it might have been hard to tell what kind of person he really was.

You lifted her gaze from your plate to look study him wordlessly, idly twisting the noodles with your fork.

People either called him the black sheep or the dark cloud but for you, Jeon Jungkook was the school’s resident lone wolf.

He smoked in the secluded areas on campus, sometimes playing his guitar. Beat up people who got on his nerves, sometimes using his guitar. Slept in class the rare times he was there, many times on his guitar.

Being his senior, you had never seen any of any of that for yourself. But you received plenty reports weekly to come to a sound conclusion.

There was no way people hated him enough to join hands in solidarity and make this all up.

It was quite the contrary actually. He had an alarming number of fans.

On the surface level you couldn’t see why. Most times you saw him, he looked bored out his mind and honestly, intimidating.

Maybe it was the tattoos. Or the ripped skinny jeans. Or the leather jackets with studs.

Maybe it was the domineering height and fit frame and structured face.

Maybe it was the intense dark eyes or the silky ruffled hair.

Even then, you failed to see the irresistible appeal in him. All those things that made him up only added to his unapproachable aura.

Bottom line was, he was bad news.

You didn’t want to be a spoil sport.

But how much of a thug your mom’s boyfriend’s son was shouldn’t be something that would make her like him less.

They were both their own people. Right ?

It was just that you just didn’t want her to be shocked and devastated if something happened later. When it happened.

Yet it seemed the serious conversation would have to wait.

After dinner your mom suggested you head to the living room to chat over wine and cheese.

You stayed back to do take out the dishes.

Earlier, your mom had stood to do it instead at first.

‘Don’t bother with that, dear.’ She reached for the plates in your hands. ‘Let me do it.’

‘It’s okay, mom.’ You smiled a little. ‘This is your night. I’ll meet you in the living room.’

'Sweetie...' Your mom looked close to tears. ‘But there’s so much of it…’

‘Jungkook,’ his father's voice had cut through the moment. He was a serious man in a crisp suit with a stoic countenance. His voice was just naturally authoritarian without him trying ‘Give her a hand.’

Jungkook stood, almost robotically.

‘It’s fine.’ You said. Politely. Nicely. Tightly. ‘I can handle this much.’

You left without another word.

That had been moments ago and now you were done with cleaning.

You stood at living room entrance for a while, taking in the scene.

The two adults were exchanging moon eyes and whispering in each other’s ears at the love seat.

Jungkook was sitting on a solo seat, but he was on his phone, completely unbothered by what was happening.

Your mom seemed to think it was the perfect time to pull out the photo album right then and there upon seeing you.

It was embarrassing but at least you knew you didn’t have to worry about the pictures spreading at school.

Jungkook was looking, picking up a picture occasionally to rove over, but he wasn’t the type to do that.

He also wasn’t the type to stare but you felt his glance shifting to you and lingering multiple times.

Once, you caught his eyes and he just stared at you across the coffee table wordlessly with a curious tilt to his head, idly flipping a picture of you dressed as a knight in glitter shining armor for Halloween at eight in his hands.

Honestly, it was starting to get annoying.

But you endured. For your mom’s sake.

Your alarm went off at exactly ten.

As subtly as you could, you excused yourself with an apology to the guests, saying you weren't really feeling well.

In hindsight you probably should have used a better excuse.

Your mom was notorious when it came to worrying, especially when it comes to your health.

Also, you probably should’ve locked the door before undressing just for good measure since people were over.

But in the moment, you were too busy setting your camera up where you were kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed to be concerned about that.

That day you were testing out a new toy.

Distractedly, you took note of a couple of people asking you if that was your boyfriend’s shirt you had lifted over your tits.

You ignored them.

Couldn’t a girl own an oversized tee without getting any flack?

Trivial comments like that aside, a good majority of the audience are fawning over how wet you were and how perfect you bouncing tits look being played with.

Your head fell back and your eyes fluttered shut.

You were sitting there, knees raised to your chest and legs splayed, your gushing pussy in full display where the toy was stuffed deep into her tightness, vibrating pleasantly.

‘I’m close…’ you mumbled throatily, squeezing your tits and pinching your stiff nipples in between your moving fingers. You moved your hips move faster, feeling the toy buzz against fluttering walls. You took a hand off one of your tits to rub at your engorged clit. ‘Fuckfuckfuck…’

Deep in your high, you didn’t hear the door open and close with a foreboding click.

You only heard your name being called by a deep, smooth voice through the heady haze.

Instantly you stilled.

When you snapped your head to look over her shoulder Jungkook was there, hands in his pockets, leaning against your doorframe with his sleeves drawn up to his elbows, muscle roped, inked skin on full display.

When he tilted his head to the side a little, appraisively, you dared to say as a quaking chill ran down your spine and your entire body felt like it was about to burst into flames, a bit of his hair fell over his face.

His eyes were like two black in the dark as he took you in, dragging his gaze up and down your exposed body languidly.

In the back of your mind, you wished the ground would part and swallow you whole.

‘Your mom,' he starts, capturing your attention wholly, dark gaze finally flickering to your face, his voice suddenly lower, hoarser. ‘She sent me over to check on you.’

It took you a moment to realize where you were, who you were, who he was.

It was like a bucket of cold water had been dropped over your head.

Jeon Jungkook, the school's resident trouble maker, soon to be your step brother, just walked in on you fingering yourself in in front of a recording camera.

Well. Yeah.

You gulped.

You were royally fucked.

depending on the response I get I might ( most probably will ) delete this. not because I'm ashamed of my work. because I'm embarrassed of myself. I really swore to never write again and here I am. sigh. yes, I have seen my previous works and noticed just how terrible they were and this is a big reason why. so sorry for putting you through that. a million apologies.

also, that's right. I have adopted a new style which might not be to everyone's liking. another reason why.

anyways, if you liked this filth ( i know it seems mild but I can tell you it's very likely gonna get worse ) please idk uh... fuck this isn't ao3. hm.

like and drop by in the ask box if you liked it and want to see more. it makes me happy. its like serotonin fuel to me.

have a nice day. see you next time ( maybe ). stay fresh. yeah. 💜💜.

#bangtan #bts #bts angst #bts fluff #bts imagine #bts scenario #bts smut #bts au #jeon jungkook #jungkook scenario #jungkook imagine #jungkook smut #bts x reader #jungkook x reader #bts high school au #jungkook high school au

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preserving-ferretbrain · 6 years ago

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Garth Ennis Is A Hack

by Rude Cyrus

Friday, 10 April 2009

Rude Cyrus is deservedly rude about The Boys.~

Once upon a time, superheroes were seen as protectors of the innocent, bringers of justice, and saviors of mankind. When I was a kid, there was no greater thrill than watching Superman pummel giant robots or stop a plane from crashing into a city. As time went on, the public began to tire of flawless beings that could do no wrong, so creators began to make the heroes more “realistic”, at least in terms of character. Antiheroes like Wolverine and The Punisher became popular while concepts like vigilantism would be explored in comics like Watchmen.

Unfortunately, the pendulum swung a little too far during the ‘90s, a decade where you couldn’t swing a dead badger without hitting some DARK and GRITTY antihero. This is the same decade that gave birth to Image Comics, a publisher that needs to make an acquaintance with an H-Bomb. All you need to know about Image Comics is that it took over the canceled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlesfranchise and turned Donatello into a cyborg. That says it all.

This brings me to the present and The Boys, a comic series written by Garth Ennis and illustrated by Darick Robertson (which I keep pronouncing as “da’ Rick”).

Let me just say that I hate this series. I don’t hate it because it’s ultra-violent and ultra-sexualized. I don’t hate it because it makes superheroes (or “supes” as they’re called here) turn out to be a bunch of amoral douchebags. I don’t hate it because I think Garth Ennis is an overrated hack who’s convinced everyone he’s a genius. No, I hate it because I can’t stand the characters.

Everybody, with few exceptions, is thoroughly repugnant. Just look at the main characters:

Billy Butcher is a sociopath with a neck the size of a ham and a perpetual smirk plastered on his face. He owns a bulldog named Terror that can fuck things on command; seemingly hates supes because one raped his wife, who ended up dying because the fetus ripped through her stomach. Butcher ended up beating said fetus to death with a lamp.

Wee Hughie joined The Boys after his girlfriend was accidentally killed by a supe named A-Train. Much of the series is focused on following Hughie’s thoughts and actions, which is unfortunate because he’s a wet blanket with exactly three facial expressions: anger, incredulity, and shit-eating grin. He’s also a dead ringer for Simon Pegg – I suspect Ennis was sitting around, smoking pot, and said to himself, “Dude, wouldn’t it be cool if Simon Pegg had superpowers?”

Mother’s Milk is a somewhat decent guy, which means he gets shoved into the background more often than not. He seems to derive his powers from an entity he calls “Momma” in a process that makes him vomit. Why does he have to do this? Who cares, let’s watch a midget use a massive vibrator!

The Frenchman and The Female are psychotic killers with the ability to rip people apart with their bare hands. Defining characteristics: one is French, the other lacks a penis. Garth Ennis doesn’t give a shit about them, so why should I?

And what would a team of morally dubious antiheroes be without a team of superheroes to oppose them? Enter the Seven, an analogue of the Justice League, filled with characters that make The Boys look like The Boy Scouts. The only good member of the group is Starlight, and she’s constantly degraded by the other members, whether it’s forced into wearing a more revealing outfit, giving fellatio to the male members of the group as a “test”, or nearly being raped by the aforementioned A-Train. It’s also strongly hinted that Homelander (leader of the Seven and Superman analogue) was the one who raped Butcher’s wife.

What a charming bunch. Thankfully, it’s not all bad, as Starlight later becomes Hughie’s girlfriend. It’s a match made in heaven, as they’re both outstandingly bland.

Other notable characters include a CIA analyst with a fetish for female paraplegic athletes, a CIA director that frequently has humiliating sex with Butcher, and recurring cameos by Stan Lee – okay, he’s called the Legend, but it’s supposed to be Stan Lee. Perhaps “Exposition Man” would be a better name, because all he does is talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk…

Speaking of stereotypes, there are quite a few on display here. For example, there’s the two fat, hairy, greasy, comic book store-owning Italian brothers who are constantly using variations of “fuck” and threatening their customers with graphic violence; the enormous bearded Russian who talks about communism and the Motherland all the time; the “East Coast vs. West Coast” superhero teams that are always fighting each other, throwing up gang signs and using the n-word. I kept wondering why Garth Ennis was doing this, and I settled on “because he thinks it’s funny.” See, Ennis is pointing out how absurd these stereotypes are, so it’s not really racist, right? Right?

Despite all of this, I forced myself to read all 29 issues, which, at times, felt like I was cutting off my legs with a rusty hacksaw – oh, look, the Russian guy is called “Love Sausage” because he has a fifteen-inch cock! Oh look, Hughie has menstrual blood on his face from oral sex because Starlight was on her period! Oh look, one of the superheroes can vomit acid! Isn’t that a knee-slapper? Worse still was the heavy-handed social and political commentary that Ennis shoehorned in, ranging from how St. Patrick’s Day sucks, to how the military-industrial complex has the United States in a chokehold, to American politics (the President and Vice President being analogues for Dick Cheney and George W. Bush, respectively), to how superheroes are evil. He even uses 9/11 to make his point, for fuck’s sake. Basically, one of the hijacked planes crashed into the Brooklyn Bridge (the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were spared) because the Seven tried to save the day but bungled it due to incompetence and selfishness. Do you see? SUPERHEROES ARE EVIL!

No, that wasn’t what made me stop reading this comic. What made me stop was the latest story arc, called “We Gotta Go Now”. The Boys have to investigate the public suicide of Silver Kincaid, a member of the G-Men (no prizes for guessing who they’re supposed to be an analogue of), for reasons I can’t be bothered to look up. Hughie has to go undercover and infiltrate one of the younger G-teams (as “Bagpipe”, because he’s Scottish, get it?) called G-Wiz. See the subtle pun there?

It’s immediately apparent that something is off with G-Wiz – sure, they might seem to be your average fraternity (i.e. boorish drunks obsessed with bodily functions), but they’re a little too comfortable with each other, if you catch my drift. Couple this with the revelation that G-Men’s leader, John Godolkin (analogue of Charles Xavier – apologies for all the analogues) actually abducted almost all of the G-Men when they were kids and turned them into superheroes, the fact that he refers to the G-Men as his “children”, and all of the dark mutterings of “what we had to deal with” and things start becoming clear.

At this point I thought, “No way. There’s no way Ennis would be so cheap and unoriginal. There has to be more to this.” I read issue 29, and, lo and behold, one of the characters confirmed my worst fears:

John Godolkin is a child molester.

That was the last straw. It wasn’t because one of the villains was a pedophile; rather, it was because Garth Ennis had resorted to such tacky exploitation in order to wring an emotion from his audience. Instead of taking the time to craft something novel, Ennis, out of sheer laziness, decided to go for the biggest heartstring and yank. Why have a complex villain when you can just say, “He’s an evil kid-toucher! BOOGA BOOGA!”

I’m sure Ennis pats himself on the back every day for what he thinks is scathing criticism on the superhero genre and insightful commentary on numerous aspects of life. He isn’t clever, creative, or even likable. He’s just a lazy hack. My smoldering ire also extends to the fans that keep buying this dreck and give it good reviews. What the hell is wrong with these people? My guess is that, in their minds, they equate DARK, GRITTY, and SERIOUS with being good. In my mind, it’s just BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, and more BULLSHIT.

Themes:

Damage Report

Sci-fi / Fantasy

Comics

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~Comments (

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Wardog

at 17:17 on 2009-04-10I don't know what to say ... I am completely flabbergasted by the awfulness of this. Why on earth is it garnering praise?

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Arthur B

at 17:26 on 2009-04-10Once upon a time the publishers of

2000 AD

thought it would be great to hand over all the writing duties for the comic for a few months to Garth Ennis, Grant Morrison, and various hangers-on. Why they thought this was a good idea was a mystery because Garth had already proven he shouldn't be trusted with other people's properties when in

Strontium Dogs

(the sequel series to

Strontium Dog

) he pulled a blatant retcon out of his capacious arse to turn the sweet, gentle comic relief character The Gronk into a psychotic gun-toting protagonist. Nonetheless, the magazine went ahead with the Summer Offensive, as it called the promotion (because, you see, it's Garth Ennis and he likes being offensive, and it happened in the summer), and the general tone of the comic went from "12A bordering on 15" (in movie age rating terms) to "18 certificate and a big argument about violence in the media on the side", which prompted the parents of certain younger subscribers, such as myself, to cancel the magazine.

And that's how Garth Ennis ruined

2000 AD

for an 11 year old Arthur.

Seriously, the man is awful. I think the only thing he's done that I've actually liked was

Hellblazer: Dangerous Habits

. Frustratingly, that was brilliant. He's capable of not being an idiot if he tries, he just

doesn't try

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Rude Cyrus

at 19:49 on 2009-04-10This was actually nominated for an Eisner Award for "Best Continuing Series" in 2008. And comic bok fans wonder why so many people don't take comics seriously.

Thanks for the image, by the way.

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Wardog

at 20:35 on 2009-04-10For a moment there I was wondering if you meant the image of an 11 year old Arthur but then I realised you meant the literal image that illustrates this article. I hope it's okay - I chose the cover that most annoyed me :)

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Sonia Mitchell

at 23:23 on 2009-04-10This series sounds horrific. Thank you for the warning.

(I badly want to google cyborg Donatello. I'd like to think it can't be as disastrous as I'm imaginging, but that would probably be naive. I'm therefore restraining myself...)

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Arthur B

at 00:46 on 2009-04-11

Oh hey look what else Image have published.

On the other hand, they also put out

The Walking Dead

, which

I really like

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Guy

at 03:59 on 2009-04-11Speaking of Image, this is one of the most funny/disturbing things I've ever read: Rob Liefeld's 40 worst drawings: http://progressiveboink.com/archive/robliefeld.html

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Arthur B

at 15:04 on 2009-04-11I'm amazed they were able to find 40 drawings worse than

the infamous Captain America one

Actually, I'm not amazed, Liefeld is terrible. Oh God, the feet...

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http://webcomcon.blogspot.com/

at 06:31 on 2010-07-11Thread necromancy: After reading this article from the random button, I'm reading

The Boys

out of morbid curiosity. I've gotten through the first couple of storylines, issues one through ten. It's about as disgusting as Rude Cyrus has said, with everything as juvenile and pointlessly violent and so forth.

One of the annoying things is that there are occasionally glimmers of interest that make me think "You know, if Garth Ennis actually gave a shit, and stopped dropping tons of stupid violence and stupid sex and stupid ham-fisted 'haha the gay activist is violently afraid of actual homosexuals' shit, he might actually be able to make some points about 'how do we make superheroes accountable?'" One advantage of

The Boys

is that, unlike

Civil War

, it's just one author, so there aren't a bazillion different axes being ground. And it doesn't seem like it's constrained by being a DC Comics Continuity Event, the way

Civil War

was a Marvel Comics Continuity Event. And every once in a while, it seems like Ennis might have something to say on the matter.

But it inevitably degenerates into "hurr hurr supes are pervs, butcher punches them." Fuck you, Ennis, for being wasted potential.

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http://webcomcon.blogspot.com/

at 06:32 on 2010-07-11Aack, unclosed HTML tags. Sorry! (I'm used to a forum that won't let me post if I have unmatched tags, and didn't check.)

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Rami

at 05:43 on 2010-07-12@webcomcon: Fixed it for you. I'm afraid FerretBrain doesn't really do warnings -- but we do suggest using the Preview button!

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http://blackgeep.livejournal.com/

at 18:20 on 2010-07-13Continuing thread necromancy!

I am a comic book artist. I detest

The Boys

with a deep, abiding disgust. My employer thinks it's brilliant. He is also a big fan of Liefeld (needs more pouches!), so go figure. While

The Boys

is bad, try having your only income being working on the dream project of someone who likes

The Boys

, and feel your artistic integrity shrivel.

I actually considered sending in issue one of

Polis

(what I'm paid to draw) to Ferretbrain for a review; I may yet do that alongside

Polis

issue two and my own side project for what the great minds here could find a fun comparison. "The world is corrupt and drug-addled, corporations are evil, and our main hero is an amoral Cape [superhero] with few redeeming qualities." versus "A space princess and space pirates act terribly toward one another, but all in good fun." I asked my employer, and he thinks any publicity is good.

Speaking of "Cape" and "Supe", what is this allergic reaction to the word superhero? Yes, superhero is a long word, but so is computer. From my perspective, it would seem more likely that superhero would get shortened to just hero. Then advert campaigns about "The

real

heroes of X city: our policemen and firefighters" would take on a whole new weight. Plus, I haven't met many people who say 'puter, and compy only caught on after Strongbad popularised it.

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Dan H

at 19:11 on 2010-07-13I think the thing about abbreviating "superhero" to something like "cape" or "supe" (did Watchmen use "mask" or am I making that up) is that it highlights the fact that this is an EDGY SERIOUS WORK OF FICTION about EDGY DARK CHARACTERS not some KIDDY THING about SUPERHEROES.

Because as we all know, nothing screams "maturity" like going to great lengths to appear mature.

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http://blackgeep.livejournal.com/

at 21:32 on 2010-07-13The thing which screams maturity the best is to have everyone swear all the time, and put blood and torture on every page. The ability to engage in traditionally adult themes while employing transgressive story elements such as bodily fluids, misogyny, and rape is the hallmark of an individual whose mind has progressed past puerile adolescent fascination. As you said, superheroes are so childish. We aren't writing stories about superheroes under a different name. These are adult stories about well rounded characters employing serious themes. Just like Terry Goodkind is definitely not a *pfft*

fantasy author.

Sarcasm over, I honestly don't remember if

Watchmen

used "mask." I guess I've just lost some comix-cred.

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https://me.yahoo.com/a/O9dPXbw3peUAacFQM4aervEXf232TbhO0FE-#dcc46

at 13:13 on 2011-10-28Hey guys. I'm aware this is a few years old but just discovered the site and enjoying it, even when I disagree.

But this is the only one I think I needed to comment on.

Firstly, Garth Ennis is demonstrably not a hack. That's just incredibly lazy.

Secondly, this review seems to have totally failed to come to terms with the text.

OK. I'm not going to argue against certain points here. There's gross out humor, there's swearing, there's a hamster well-up in a zombie's bum. There's puke and disgusting, disgusting periods that no man should ever have to read about (cos girls, right! ew. The writer of this article agrees!) and there's even some blood and guts and a superhero orgy and someone strangles Scarlet Witch with a belt!

But.

The scene where poor old Annie, Starlight, has to service six members of the Seven to get in? It's awful. And a considerable part of the text is concerned not only with her coming to terms with the assault but (and how often to you see this?) actually come to terms with and starting to heal from the assault.

The two black teams who scream the N word at each other? There's no discussion of the young black man who is going to be forced into one of the teams who sees nothing he recognises of his experiences in tired mainstream hip hop lingo and posing. A man who has begun to understand that to become a superstar, he has to enter into a well-dodgy narrative.

No discussion of the good people warped into being celebrities and what that costs them, which is the central metaphor of the book.

Or the actual honesty when Hughie, who's never met a gay man but has to hang out in a gay club and suddenly finds his liberal sensibilities a bit overwhelmed. A scene that's never, ever played for cheap gay joke laughs.

The point of Hughie going down on a girl with a period is not that it's gross and his mates laugh at him. It's that he refuses to let something as dumb as that get in the way of his relationship with Annie. He cops some jokes and some pisstaking but then will not let the deathly embarrassed girl freak out over what turns out to be ... nothing at all.

In recent years, we've also seen a cheap man-on-man 'Dark Knight Returns' rape joke actually turns out to actually be a proper discussion on the reasons why a chap might not be able to discuss it with his friends. And what that cost him.

St Patrick's Day sucks? Surely an repatriated Northern Irishman who grew up in the Troubles has nothing to say about the immigrant experience to the United States. What a hack!

As for scoring political points off 9/11.... mate. Welcome to the world. I fail to even see an argument here.

I'm not going to say everyone should love The Boys. And sometimes I get a bit weary of schoolboys bleeding out of their arses and all the rest. And I think Ennis has made his point about religion by now. I do. (Spoiler alert: Preacher)

I like the comic but I don't expect everyone to be able to laugh like I do when the mentally ill Batman analogue has sex with a meteor.

So don't like it. That's cool. It's not like I'll gnash teeth if you don't like what I like. But this review has really failed to come to grips with and has actively misrepresented the text.

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Arthur B

at 13:32 on 2011-10-28Hi dcc46, welcome to Ferretbrain!

I've not read

The Boys

but I have read enough Ennis to at least address this point:

Firstly, Garth Ennis is demonstrably not a hack. That's just incredibly lazy.

You know what else is incredibly lazy? Basing your writing career so heavily on cheap shock tactics which come across like a 13 year old trying to be edgy. I couldn't get past the first volume of

Preacher

because Ennis' obsession with gore, fucking, and other scatological subjects just became intensely monotonous. His contributions to 2000 AD were much the same. His

Hellblazer

run started out brilliantly - I think

Dangerous Habits

is both the best thing he's written and the best

Hellblazer

story that

anyone

has written - but I couldn't abide the rest of it precisely because he kept falling back into bad habits.

When a man makes a career out of indulging his puerile instincts to an extent where consistently and repeatedly his material degenerates into lame attempts to be shocking for the sake of it, that's pretty hackish.

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https://me.yahoo.com/a/O9dPXbw3peUAacFQM4aervEXf232TbhO0FE-#dcc46

at 13:51 on 2011-10-28Well, if that's all you've read of Hellblazer, that's cool. When he was, what, 21, he wrote that. There was a bit of a fall off in quality before he'd come back with stories of Kit and Ric the Vic and end up telling stories of the devil contrasted with the nasty realities of racial politics in early 90s London.

If you passed on Preacher, that's cool. That second story arc is uninspired. But you missed out on a a meditation of faith, friendship, watching a man try to navigate between his old-fashioned 'chivalry' and a woman who refused to be patronised or left behind.

So I honestly don't see shocking for shocking's sake. I see bad taste. But I've never felt there's a kind of splatter punk aesthetic at work.

That's sort of my point.

I see humour that may or may not work for you. But I'm suggesting to you that if you can get past the guts and jizz all over the shop. And if that's really a sticking point for you, then you won't ever get into it.

But I think your wrong if puerility is all you get out of the work.

I know you had issues with his early 2000AD run. I never got that. I'm Australian and 2000AD seemed to ship... on a madman's calendar. So I can't comment on that.

So I tell you what. Try something like his PG Hitman. His war stories, where he reigns himself in. His Punisher MAX, which is humorless as a Derek Raymond novel.

But I'll split you the difference: Jennifer Blood is fucking awful.

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https://me.yahoo.com/a/O9dPXbw3peUAacFQM4aervEXf232TbhO0FE-#dcc46

at 14:05 on 2011-10-28Anyways, I'm off.

But, a hack writer is a bad writer. Matt Reiley is a hack writer. He's bad at the English language, his plots are hackneyed, his haircut is stupid.

If you don't like Ennis' work, that's cool. But just because you think he wraps things up in grossness doesn't make him a bad writer -at all-. He's an accomplished writer with themes and metaphors and all that writery stuff.

Nevertheless, good site. Talk later.

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valse de la lune

at 16:00 on 2011-10-28

So don't like it. That's cool. It's not like I'll gnash teeth if you don't like what I like. But this review has really failed to come to grips with and has actively misrepresented the text.

How quaint; you appear to be gnashing your teeth exactly because Cyrus didn't like the thing. I also agree with Arthur's assessment of Ennis: overrated hack pandering to things teenage boys--usually teenage white boys at that, what with the n-word thing--find oh so edgy and clever.

Preacher

is absolutely fucking unreadable and I spit in its general direction.

And, while you can certainly use the word "hack" to denote a poor writer--which I'd argue Ennis

, at that--his general attitude and output are pretty hacky too, in the lowest-common-denominator sense.

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Rude Cyrus

at 20:31 on 2011-10-29Here's the thing: whatever good points or ideas Ennis may have are ruined by the juvenile shock tactics he wraps them in -- it's one thing to use violence and sex occasionally and for great effect, it's another to use them

all the time.

For example, I can agree with Ennis that St. Patrick's Day is an excuse for every American with a drop of Irish blood to wear green and get sick on beer, but when he ends this commentary on a close-up on a hat filled with puke, it makes me roll my eyes.

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aesteraceae · 2 years ago

Note

Hi!! So okay, this is very embarrassing, but I know that writers like to get to know the thoughts of their readers, so I hope it's okay to send you this little rant, even if it's a bit stupid.

Two days ago I stumbled upon your Tumblr, and what you have to know is that I rarely read nowadays. But a few days ago I decided to try to get into it again, so I thought to start with some characters that I already know, so I was like: Stray Kids it is, then. Tumblr led me through like 50 fanfics of different genres, and then it led me here. I chose some random fic of yours, started reading and it got me intrigued because the whole beginning was kinda hysterical and made me laugh?? So I kept reading even though smut isn't my favourite genre (since I am aroace and tolerate/enjoy only a certain kind of smut - both reading and writing) but proceeded... And that was the end of me. I read your "Lace Collar". I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT 😭 😭 😭 I loved it so much it's on my mind 24/7. Literally cannot get it out of this stupid little head of mine. I dare to say it's one of the best fanfics I've read, and I've been reading them for 10 years already.

It was such a nice perspective, and the execution of it was perfect. The dynamics you created of these three men makes me question some things about what I want in life, literally sdjhshsgs it made me wanna buy a collar for some pretty cat boy (or two, fuck it) and tenderly pet his head while he dumb fucks himself on a butt plug, with pink ropes restraining his arms and legs (that so well match his little collar) after obeying so well <3 (byeee, y'all didn't see this)

This fic was just so engaging I couldn't stop reading it. Every part of it got me in a chokehold (perhaps emotionally better than Felix's one) and I was anticipating next words, but couldn't get my eyes off of the lines I was already reading. Not even a single word has been wasted, and all of them brought something to the story. Also their emotions are so well portrayed, like shit! Literally fell in love with the way you described Felix's thought process when he got into this new, unknown situation (and territory - of shared bodies and pleasure lol). The way he was panicking and searching for what to do at the beginning shsjjsjsjs love, just love. I chuckle each time I read that part lmao

The reaction of each member to certain moments and to each other were just chef's kiss <3 I'm fangirling over it after 2 days, I think that speaks for itself. When Minho spit on Jisung I literally gasped along with Felix and stopped breathing at what the fuck was happening, and then had to read that a few more times because WOW. Felix realising Minho does it all on purpose and likes pushing Jisung's buttons and is excited at what's to come... (or who's to come) Hihihi. Just brilliant at how it's written, and the pace of it is great. All of their interactions were just perfect and I couldn't wait to get to the next paragraphs to see what happens next (I believe these cat boys also couldn't wait to find out 🤭). And the way Jisung handled them both in such different ways, and yet they worked as a perfect trio... YESSSSS also the way Felix's experience was described, how it all unfolded before our eyes just as it unfolded before his, realising things, making next moves and decisions, either daring to move and speak, or completely stopping, as if paralysed (also paralysed because fucking from all sides was a little (very much) too good but yeah shshsjjsj). Beautiful 😻

Somebody already wrote it in the notes but I have to bring it up here because it's something that just made me lose my mind over how good it was: "the contrast between good kitty lixie and brat kitty lino". YES. Just yes. The way they wanted basically the same thing (that dick ig) and yet "asked" for it in their own ways. I plead myself before you for this fic, hells. It's like a personal attack on my likings, but in the greatest way possible, because there's everything I like in it, so it's okay that it felt like it slapped me in my face and made my heart race <333 And like, before I wasn't a big fan of certain kinks and toys, like AT ALL, but the way you wrote it, hello??? Obsessed. I need to re-evaluate because holy dick(s)! (after what happened I think Felix would have agreed with me lmaoo he was basically physically and mentally drugged with cum, you can award Minho and Jisung with the title of having holy dicks)

ALSOOOO you might have awakened something in me, because I have not written in over a year (kinda didn't allow myself to) but since I've read this fanfic I can't stop writing, at all. I think in some weird way it's given me permission to write, or an inspiration, or just brought so much emotions and thoughts in me that it all spilled (like some other things in Felix's case - his might have been positioned deeper though, heh) that I just need to somehow get it out. Thank you for making me a writer again.

So yeah, a "little" rant. Hope you didn't mind, and if you did, or I messed something up or idk, I'm sorry :(( anyways, thank you for creating and writing, and just existing! <3 I hope some cool shit happens to you this week 😎 thank u so muchhh~

OH MY GOD THIS IS THE NICEST THING ANYONE'S EVER SENT TO ME😭😭😭

I don't even have words just thank you so insanely much😭 I'm so glad I was able to help you write again and I'm so glad you enjoyed Lace Collar so much. I adore that fic and it's so nice to see your reaction to it.

Please never feel bad for writing this kind of thing you have no idea how happy this made me oh my gosh😭 THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

#literal tears im so #tysm <3 #dahlia rambles #ask box

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theworstbob · 8 years ago

Text

yellin’ at songs, 3.25.2017

ah man, so i know last week was a bit of a bummer, but i’m really excited to see what the billboard chart has to offer this week! i can’t explain it, i’m just so stoked to see what it’s got! i think it’s gonna be a fun week with dope songs in a variety of genres! i see no way this week’s hot 100 debuts could leave me deflated! i’m so pumped to go on this adventure through the exciting and ever-changing world of music. HIT ME!

37) "Perfect," by Ed Sheeran 49) "Dive," by Ed Sheeran 53) "Galway Girl," by Ed Sheeran 59) "Happier," by Ed Sheeran 72) "New Man," by Ed Sheeran 75) "Supermarket Flowers," by Ed Sheeran 83) "What Do I Know?" by Ed Sheeran 90) "Eraser," by Ed Sheeran 93) "Hearts Don't Break Around Here," by Ed Sheeran 96) "Barcelona," by Ed Sheeran

i see

Look: I knew there were gonna be hella Ed Sheeran songs comin’ up this week, but I didn’t know that’s the only thing the chart had in store. I thought we’d get at least one other artist up in here? Guess not. Guess it’s ten Ed Sheeran songs. But! I knew something like this would happen, so I went ahead and did a thing:

YELLIN’ AT SONGS 2007 EDITION

We’re gonna listen to Divide (there’s no way it’s worth dipping into the character map to type the symbol) at some point this week, drop the review in the Thing Journal, and adjust the Top 20 as necessary next week. This week, we will discuss all the songs that made their chart debut between the 1.13.2007 and 3.24.2007 editions (does that mean you’re not gonna talk about how great “Irreplaceable” is) yeah (that seems stupid) OH IT ENDS UP BEING STUPID, and every week from here on out, 2007 and 2017 will battle it out to prove... Something. Which era’s music I enjoy more? I guess?

1.13.2007 86) "Alyssa Lies," Jason Michael Carroll

Legit this song is amazing. It barely straddles the line between Profound and Schmaltz, barely, but what saves it is the unambiguously tragic ending, where there's a child murdered by her parents and a dad who doesn't know how to talk to his daughter about it. I don't know that anyone in country today has a song this emotionally complex in their pocket, and I’m including the Good Ones in this statement. Brandy Clark’s “Three Kids No Husband” is on this level, but other than that, man. It's so wonderful to hear a song that's trying to do more than satiate, that's looking to challenge, to prompt discussion about an important issue, that's looking to be more than a delivery vehicle for blue jean dancing on a Chevy hood in the summer moonlight. (Full disclosure, I listened to this song at 7 AM after being awake since 2, so I wasn’t in, like, the stablest emotional state? But while looking at what I wrote while more awake and more cynical, I felt this opinion held up, so hey!) Anyhoo, this dude crowdfunded his most recent album, and I'm glad he gets to do this thing he loves without having to make the bro country song. I might not check it out, but I appreciate he's getting it done.

89) "Honestly," Cartel

This was the best take they had of these vocals. Like, I try not to think about vocal performance too much, because that's the easiest thing to think about (please don't tell me how often I talk about vocals, I'm sure it's A Lot), but man. This song came a few weeks before Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, and The All-American Rejects would have Top Ten singles at the same time. This song came at a time when there was a huge demand for songs like it, and all the pieces are there. The music's high-energy, they wrote a catchy-as-fuck tune, the words are slightly clever to just a certain extent, it is accompanied by a brightly-colored and timely video, but the dude can't sing. I get that he's the driving creative force. But fucking Pete Wentz was willing to do bass and scream occasionally. If PETE WENTZ could set ego aside for the greater good, what’s your fucking excuse, bro.

90) "Chicken Noodle Soup," Webstar & Young B ft./AG aka The Voice of Harlem

...Well, this is certainly a thing that existed! I am glad that this teen found some avenue of self-expression, I hope she has found success, and I will have you know that my uncultured ass was thrilled to hear DJ Webstar intone, "Shake it, shake it, Harlem Shake it" near the end of the song. Apparently the dance move Chicken Noodle Soup is a derivation of the original form of the Harlem Shake! So this song is #actually a fun footnote in popular music history and viral video history! How grand!

94) "U + Ur Hand," P!nk

If you don't love a rad-ass song about tellin' some creep dude to fuck himself, I don't know what to tell you. I can't imagine we're on the same page in any book. This is just a wholesome good time for the whole family, I don't see anything to pick on here.

96) "King Kong," Jibbs ft./Chamillionaire

It's interesting listening to this song in an era where Future has imitators, because it is at once refreshing to hear a rap song that isn't about internal darkness and self-loathing and all that jazz and disappointing to hear a rap song that's just about car speakers. When I express disappointment at the amount of trap singles on the chart, I am forgetting that there are classics I unreservedly love, "Bad and Boujee"s and "Selifsh"s, and that the songs I don't like will fall to the wayside as "King Kong" did.

98) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," Jennifer Hudson

THIS WON AN OSCAR. You know the only demerits you can give this track? One, she doesn't go I'M NOT WAKING UP TOMORROW MORNING HA-HA. She omits the Ha-Ha. The other mark you can take off is, Jennifer Hudson never had to perform it with the same emotional intensity and technical proficiency every single day for several months in front of a live audience. How do people who act on Broadway stay alive. So basically the worst thing about this song is that Jennifer Hudson isn't Jennifer Holliday? C’mon, y’all, I didn't come here to say actual bad things about this song. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not That Guy. "This phoenix's rise from the ashes could have used more fire!" I'M SORRY THIS IMPOSSIBLE THING YOU HAVE WITNESSED WASN'T DAZZLING ENOUGH

1.20.2007 81) "Lost Without U," Robin Thicke

I listened to "And I Am Telling You" for like half an hour before moseying on over to /sigh/ this song. Also I watched an episode of Cheers, took a nap while watching a carlsagan42 video, and watched the film Spotlight. I had momentum, and then I saw this schmuck was on deck and I said, "Nah." This song is somewhat more interesting when you consider that the dude got incredibly divorced with the woman about whom he wrote this song, but then you hear the line "You wanna touch yourself when you see me," and just, fuck this dude. "Gurl, I love you so much, so I wrote this song about you." "Is that line about how I masturbate at the very sight of you?" "It's one of the things I love most."

85) "Doe Boy Fresh," Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire

Three 6 Mafia gets to start their songs by shouting ACADEMY AWARD WINNERS! because we live, despite everything, in the best universe. Hey: did we give Chamillionaire a fair shake? I am aware that Chamillionaire's done alright for himself, but I've heard two songs with Chamillionaire features, and I have seen the future and know that Chamillionaire isn't that much of a factor, and that seems odd. He's pretty solid! Not like something to write home about, but it seems weird he had an inescapable #1 hit so awesome the beat gave Weird Al a top-20 hit, then just dropped off the face of the earth. I appreciate the solid work he did in 2006. You're good people, Chamillionaire.

87) "Cupid's Chokehold," Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump

I wonder if the other dudes in Gym Class Heroes and the other dudes in Maroon 5 ever hang out. You know, just talk about music, talk about their lives, make each other feel valued. This is the world I like to imagine. This song is charming, and I'm going to go out on a limb and claim it's unhateable. It's such light-hearted fun! If you can hear this song and feel anything but glee, you're probably the sort of person that has watched Ken Burns' Baseball three times.

99) "Candyman," Christina Aguilera

There was a hot minute when Christina Aguilera was trying to introduce a retro, big-bandy influence to her work, and it was the greatest minute of our lives. Can we have a moment for "Tilt Ya Head Back," a 2004 track no one remembers that is worthy of far more admiration than it has received? I'ma just say it: that Christina Aguilera is far too big to make an appearance on Postmodern Jukebox is a damn shame. They oughta break the bank for her.

1.27.2007 69) "Jump to the Rhythm," Jordan Pruitt

This is adorable. You go, 15-year-old girl who has been intermittently active over the past decade. And our first future The Voice alum! That's neat! Just the one chair? Yeah, that sounds about right. At least you made this fun song the one time!

77) "He Said She Said," Ashley Tisdale

This song is a fucking mess. This is not a voice meant to sing bangers, nor is it a voice meant to rap for any reason ever. This song has two different choruses. Maybe everyone should have chilled out for a couple of seconds, had a nice think about it, figured out how to make this coherent. I don't know much about songwriting, but if I write a song with the same title as a limpbizkit song, and anyone on earth that wasn't a 15-year-old white boy in 2001 thinks the limpbizkit song was better, I have to consider the song an objective failure.

92) "Mr. Jones," Mike Jones

I can't believe the producer of this song doesn't even have a stub on Wikipedia. I love this track. History did Myke Diesel wrong. And Mike Jones, I dunno, ever since I read The Rap Year-Book and learned how Mike Jones made his name, I have a certain amount of respect for what he was able to accomplish. Is he great at rapping? Nah. But is he a boy who seems nice that has made a number of not-unpleasant songs? Yes! This is #2 on the Songs Named "Mr. Jones" Power Rankings, but it is a solid, earned position. (Dear Progressive Boink: I hope this Google Alert has found you well. Please tell me where I can find your Mike Jones: A Career story, as it is the Best Thing, but Google is unhelpful, and SB Nation websites are nightmares to navigate.)

94) "My, Oh My," The Wreckers

...Y'know what, I'm not gonna strain to have some grand ol' opinion or make some dumb ol' joke right now. This song's dope. I dig it.

98) "Glamorous," Fergie ft./Ludacris

What if the only reason we don't like Fergie is because it's impossible for us to separate Fergie as a pop song delivery mechanism from Fergie the chick from Black Eyed Peas? Let's say the aliens come to earth, download all our music, but unplug their thing from the dock before uploading is complete and somehow Black Eyed Peas files get corrupted but Fergie files remain pristine. How would they take Fergie? Would they think this is a nice song about living out your dreams? Or would they still think it was kinda shallow and vapid and all those things we associate with Fergie because she makes, ya know, shallow and vapid music? I think there's a lot to like about this song divorced from the greater context of Fergie's career. It's sneaky-dope. Just don't think about where it came from.

2.3.2007 2) "This Ain't a Scene, it's an Arms Race," Fall Out Boy

I'm of two minds on this one. One, I know all the words and could prolly kill it at karaoke if the need ever arose. I have something not quite unlike love for this track. Two, it's not... good? At least, I'm not sure it's one of my 20 favorite Fall Out Boy songs. Or top 40. It's in the middle of the list somewhere. The song is kinda nonsense. My enduring memory of this song will always be the Kanye West remix, where the first line of Kanye's verse is, "I don't know what the hell this song is talkin' 'bout. Do you?" If people do a guest verse for your song and feel emboldened enough to say, "What the fuck is this," you've made a kinda shitty song? It's not one of my better Fall Out Boy memories. *gasp* IS THAT A PLUG?!

14) "Push it to the Limit," Corbin Bleu

This is an acceptable dance track and, again, in a position where I see the future, I don't see why we couldn't have just taken all of Chris Brown's songs and given them to this snappy young man. Look at all the jump ropes he does! We could have replaced Chris Brown with Corbin Bleu and lost nothing. (This is not an equal exchange. Corbin Bleu has Chris Brown's career and is also in High School Musical, and it is a happy accident that "Run It" gets big just as High School Musical starts popping. Chris Brown becomes his backup dancer, and without the pressure of fame, he’s not a monster. He’s still kind of a dick, but if he’s not with his bros, he’s kinda chill. Everyone is happier in this arrangement.)

50) "If Everyone Cared," Nickelback

Shit. This is the only Nickelback song to debut on the Hot 100 in 2007. I have to make this count: Nickelback is trash. Nickelback has always been trash. Nickelback has not stopped being trash. We stopped pointing out that Nickelback is trash, but it is important to remember that Nickelback is trash. This song is incredibly trash. Yes, it would be better if things were nicer, what a profound fucking observation. Is pop music worse off today than it was in 2007? Enh. There's an overabundance of trap, I don't like all the songs that sound like the apocalypse, but at least we have long been rid of this trash. I would take a thousand G-Eazy songs before I took another fucking second of Nickelback.

79) "Don't Matter," Akon

it's like someone just kinda said "hey here's a bunch of shit that'd make for a listenable pop song" and someone else said "a'ight man put 'em together" and then this came out. i still can't believe someone who sounded like akon was as huge as akon was.

86) "Go Getta," Young Jeezy ft./R. Kelly

I'm likely supposed to have left this song feeling a tad more energized than I had been prior. I dunno. Maybe I'm just not in the mood for a pump-up anthem? Maybe this sounded like a thousand high school football players' highlight reels? My heart just wasn't open for this one, man.

87) "This Is Why I'm Hot," MIMS

Maybe I'm listening to this wrong, but this feels really close to being a 2017 hit. This would be the easiest trap remix ever, just roll the drum machine a few extra times, throw in a "SKRRRRRRRRRRRRT" here and there, this could absolutely be a hit today. You can Auto-tune MIMS if you want, I think he can hold his own without it, but then again, I've never made a hit record before, I don't know. All I know is, this song that never left 2007 is somehow the one that sounds the most timeless so far.

89) "She's Like the Wind," Lumidee ft./Tony Sunshine

...In what universe is Tony Sunshine the featured artist? No. No, I had to endure this song, the same thousand-minute-long chorus with a brief, lazily recited verse preceding each instance, I think I deserve to know, where does Lumidee get off taking the credit for this song. Does she get the main credit because the song's about her? Is that it? Is the dude saying "She's like the wind!" and Lumidee's just like "A-yup?" I could get it if that's the case. But legit what is this. Hey 2007, what is this. You're competing with the future and mayhaps, if I'm ever up for it, the past. Step it up.

94) "Last Night," Diddy ft./Keyshia Cole

Great. Great. I asked you to step it up, and now, Diddy's singing. T-Pain, I don't know when you're coming, but I already know you're too late. It makes me angry Diddy thought he could sing because EVERYTHING FUCKING ELSE ABOUT THIS SONG IS ON POINT. Hey, Diddy? Dude from Cartel? If you were trying to show the world you could single-handedly sink your respective enterprises, well congratuFUCKINGLATIONS your plaques are in the mail

95) "From Yesterday," 30 Seconds to Mars

So here's the funny thing about this song: I had thought I had never heard this song, but the second that "on his face is a map of the world" line played for the first time (of many! (so many times!)), it clicked that this is a song I had, in fact, heard before, and for which had already decided there was no room in my heart. I look forward to forgetting this again.

2.10.2007 83) "Smile," Lily Allen

THIS IS A SONG I LIKE BUT IT'S A SONG I HAVEN'T DONE MUCH MORE OR LESS THAN LIKE FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS SO I DUNNO WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY HERE. It's not like this is some forgotten gem, or has some hitherto unremarked upon flaw, or is a classic must needs be further analyzed. It's a fun song about wishing the worst on your enemies, and I think it tricked every single person on earth, including Lily Allen, into thinking she was more clever than she was. (This doesn't make the chart, but remember that song where she put her brother on blast? She made an entire song about what a lazy worthless fuck her brother was. We don't talk about that enough, how the twenty-seventh most-notable female pop star of the aughts pulled the receipts on her brother, the thirty-second male lead on Game of Thrones, for absolutely no reason.)

86) "Phantom Limb," The Shins

This is an intricately composed track (I know nothing of song composition), it keeps adding new things every half-minute, and it all builds to this closing guitar solo which is, for lack of a more descriptive term, impactful. I'm sure the lyrics would have some deeper meaning I'd be able to ascertain if this man weren't so insistent on forlornly mumbling, but what we have here is a song which not only demands but deserves attention. I don't have fucking time for this nonsense. "Nyeh, I'm The Shins, you have to sit with my works and let them sink in an" NAH FUCK THAT THERE'S NO WAY THE REWARD IS WORTH THE EFFORT.

92) "Hillbilly Deluxe," Brooks & Dunn

We can debate the true origin of bro country. It likely took root with "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)," when radio executives learned that there was a sizable demand for country culture references shouted loudly over energetic music. "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" dropped in 2004. I don't know what went down in country music between 2004 and 2007. It looks like country leaned harder and harder on their tropes -- you had a "Hicktown" here, a "Redneck Yacht Club" there, but those dudes weren't established stars, they were dudes just trying to find their way in. Trace Adkins dropped "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk," but it feels unfair to that song to lump it in with "That's What I Love About Sunday," it was trying to be much sillier. I think this song is the moment when the Nashville establishment fully embraced the trend and began its descent into blandness. It's not that it was overwhelmingly popular, it topped out at #16 on the country chart, it's that a group with 20 #1 singles decided that this was an acceptable song to make. Once a leader in the genre talked about packing a pick-em-up truck with country girls, it was all over.

93) "Famous Last Words," My Chemical Romance

OH FUCK IT’S A HOT TAKE: Welcome to the Black Parade is a self-important and over-ambitious album that has only gotten worse with time. This comment applies to this song because the last few seconds of this song are a wholly unpleasant tangle of screams, because that's how you sell a story, is you just shout until people agree it's good. Three Cheers and Danger Days are good! I can't think of a single thing about Black Parade that I enjoyed. Ugh, I just remembered the key change in the title track, Why, Who Let You.

97) "The River," Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates

See, the heft of this song is disproportionate to the weight this band had previously carried, but I think it works here, makes this song more powerful than I feel it should be. Let’s jump into some Good Charlotte deep cuts: if you go back to "The Day That I Die," you hear Good Charlotte has been asking if they've been living their life right, so it's not a stretch that they'd write a song stating, no, they fucked up in a lot of ways, and now they must needs beg forgiveness before they can begin correcting course in earnest. Am I putting too much thought into this because I feel a need to defend how much I love this song, given the source? Lil' bit! But I think Good Charlotte more than earned a moment of introspection, and while I do not understand why Synyster Gates is here or what he added to the proceedings, I'm glad that name is in my life for a few moments more.

98) "Beer in Mexico," Kenny Chesney

I was all set to make fun of Kenny Chesney but there's horns in this country song. I am here for horns in country songs. You know who has a horn section in their country songs in 2017? Sturgill Simpson, and no one else. I'll ride for this song because it affords the opportunity to positively compare Kenny Chesney to Sturgill Simpson.

100) "B.U.D.D.Y.," Musiq Soulchild

Thank you for joining me today. I know you have been waiting for me to give my official statement on mid-aughts R&B jams about fuck buddies. Here it is: I'm for 'em. I will not be taking any questions today. Thank you, and gods bless.

2.17.2007 40) "Year 3000," Jonas Brothers

"I took a trip to the year 3000, this song had gone multi-platinum" FACT CHECK: The song sold just over a million copies in he United States, only enough to earn it one platinum plaque. There is, of course, still time for a million more people to purchase "Year 3000," it's not as if the song is unavailable, but it is highly unlikely this comes to fruition. "Everybody bought our seveth album, it had outsold Kelly Clarkson" FACT CHECK: I just looked up Jonas Brothers Discography on Wikipedia to complete a dumb joke about a ten-year-old boy band song that's actually a cover of a song by a different boy band. The original song apparently had incestuous overtones! Good call to remove those, boys!

48) "Over It," Katharine McPhee

Man, this is an interesting flash back to a girl with a song in her heart as she's waiting to start her adventure. That fire and drive that make dreams come alive, they fill her soul, she's in control. The drama! The laughter! The tears just like pearls! They're all in this girl's repertoire! It's all for the taking, and it's magic we'll be making: LET ME BE YOUR STAAAAAAAAAAAR yeah i fucking KNOW this is megan hilty's verse but it fit the joke better, ok? OKAY?! listen. the past is on the cutting room floor. the future is here with me. choose me.

61) "Dashboard," Modest Mouse

This is probably the first song on these charts that I've listened to hundreds of times and can say I truly love. This is a weird thing to say about a song that is either about dying in a car fire or standing on a capsizing boat. Modest Mouse wrote one optimistic song, “Float On,” and I was one of many teens who through this discovered a band with the same bleak outlook as them. I watched a documentary on Charles Bukowski because I so identified with the song “Bukowski.” (Didn't read any books or poems or whatever, just rented the documentary from Netflix. That's the best way to engage with writers, right?) Of course I loved this song that said, "If the world don't like us it'll shake us just like we were a cold," because it's a fucking amazing song that thinks about its own insignificance JUST LIKE ME! We don't talk nearly enough about the several notches Johnny Marr kicked this band, y'all. I'm still trying to figure out how to catch how differences in instrumentation impacts an artist's sound, but even my mega-untrained ears at 17 could discern just how much fuller, how much more intense Johnny Marr made this band. I almost wanted to listen to The Smiths, but even back then, I knew The Smiths were a bridge too far. So much of my teenage years were spent staring at the search bar into which I entered “Girlfriend in a Coma,” mouse hovering over the search button, just saying to myself “This will only make you worse.”

67) "Say OK," Vanessa Hudgens

Um. I. I don't know what happened. I don't, um, I kinda fucking love this song? I don't know. This feeling is confusing for me. Maybe I just identify with the need to have someone not tell me they love me, just have someone say everything's OK, say that we're gonna be fine. ...Ah fucking shit, I think that living in the Trump era has engendered within me a profound attachment to a Vanessa Hudgens song. But even divorced from this context, like, the title of my tumblog has always been "I'm Just Trying My Best, Guys." I hella connect with a girl just asking to be told she's good.

77) "Lips of an Angel," Jack Ingram

It's always surprised me that no one in Hinder has tried for a solo country career, because "Lips of an Angel" is sort of a perfect country song. It's a man who's cheating on his girlfriend with an old flame, and it's kind of the flip side of those small town Saturday nights, the dark undercurrent of small town living, where you see the same people and go to the same places and can never quite get rid of feelings you used to harbor as a teen. "Lips of an Angel" would be a towering achievement in country music in the right hands, and while I don't think Jack Ingram really strove to unlock this song's potential, doesn't quite get at the emotional depth (I think I've used that phrase twice in this post, what am I doing), there's still a lot to like about this cover, simply for the fact it brings "Lips of an Angel" home.

81) "Grace Kelly," Mika

i mean this song is perfect the fuck do you want from me, to nit-pick? why would i nit-pick? if i look for flaws, i'ma find 'em, because nothing is truly flawless, and i would much rather this song remain perfect for me, thank you.

82) "Thinking About You," Norah Jones

This song is about 204 seconds long and does about as much for me as watching a reupload of the Indie Singer Kitchen Vine 34 times in a row would. ...Yeah, that's not really fair, you're right, I should be more stoked about this era when a quiet jazz tune could stand alongside the High School Musical titans and thudding rap tracks and all the emo songs. I don't think I've heard anything like this in the 2017 list. I'm still not a fan? But I respect it.

83) "Crazy Car," The Naked Brothers Band

this sounds like this kid's parents only let this kid listen to The Beatles, like they home-schooled him and taught him all the basics but also taught a music class focused solely on listening to, analyzing, and interpreting the music The Beatles made, but they leave out all the drugs The Beatles did because this is a wholesome home-school, and then when the kid turned 13 they handed him a guitar and said, "OK. Time to write a song." so this kid has 13 years of extremely limited life experience, the only music he's known is The Beatles, and he’s asked to write a song. this is what this song sounds like. "Uh, The Beatles sure wrote some crazy songs, uh, what if, a. Car? was crazy." which, hey, it worked! it would be the worst Beatles song, but it doesn't sound unlike a Beatles song!

92) "Wouldn't Get Far," The Game ft./Kanye West

In the backdoor pilot for Yellin' at 2007 last eek, I threw this out as what could hypothetically be my favorite song of 2007, a mostly forgotten track from big names that spent a limited time in the back half of the Hot 100, like my beloved "Run Up." I hadn't heard the song before, but given that The Game (who made one of my favorite albums of 2016) and Kanye (Kanye) were involved, I thought it was a safe pick. I will now be more thoroughly vetting my throwaway lines. This is a song about how the hot chicks in rap videos have too much power, which is a baffling premise. I don't think I've ever been watching a rap video and think, "Boy, that girl in the bikini has all the power in the world. Um, excuse me, I think the artist is the star of the show? You owe your entire career to him! Say thank you." 100% fuck this. This is the most meninist rap song in existence, and I sincerely hope all parties involved would like to take this one back. Yikes.

94) "Wasted," Carrie Underwood

this is a song about figuring out that you're stuck in a rut and becoming cynical and deciding you want to make a change and live your life more purposefully, and i am not going to try to connect it to the state of modern country, because i honestly can't see how it could possibly connect to modern country! i know i should probably be talking about this song on its own, and it fits the template of a Vaguely Inspirational Carrie Underwood Ballad quite well, does a highly admirable job of delivering insane vocal work and A Message, but i am aligned with the Stop Bro Country 2017 movement (not an actual movement), and pointing out how this song does what Bro Country doesn’t is part of the mission.

96) "Be Good to Me," Ashley Tisdale

There's a lot of things you could do with the "In Da Club" beat. You could even just make "In Da Club" again. I think it would have been quite silly to have Ashley Tisdale drop a cover of "In Da Club," but if I had a choice between having Ashley Tisdale cover "In Da Club" or having her make this song with a beat strongly reminiscient of "In Da Club," I'm weathering the thinkpieces and the most smashed dislike button in history and having Ashley Tisdale cover "In Da Club," because at least Ashley Tisdale trying to pull off 50 Cent lines would be fucking hilarious. This is... Man, the people who were put in charge of Ashley Tisdale's music career were horrible at their jobs! She gets swallowed whole by even this pale imitation of the "In Da Club" beat, but what was she doing here to begin with? You throw your kids into the deep end to teach them how to swim, not the middle of the Indian Ocean! Like, look at Ariana Grande's career. Her debut album is nice '50s-influenced songs, and then she slowly but surely gets more modern and develops more attitude, and now she can make songs like "Into You," because she was allowed to develop as a performer into someone with confidence that could stand up to modern music's production. They started Ashley Tisdale at "Into You," and that is a poor way to start this young woman fresh off goddamned High School Musical. Fucking "Candyman" existed in this time. You could've ripped off "Candyman," and we all would have been happier. I literally can't believe I turned on an Ashley Tisdale song and my first thought was, "That's the 'In Da Club' beat."

97) "Settlin'," Sugarland

oh wow a country song about how good enough isn't really good enough, that's a common occurence in modern country, so much so i'm not sure why i'm calling this one out, it's just so common, country songs about having goals and wanting more out of life! i'm not looking forward to "Everyday America," i don't remember that song but it's gonna be a tough listen in 2017 i'm sure, but Sugarland was hella reliable in their day, and i appreciated the reminder of their prowess.

98) "I'll Wait for You," Joe Nichols

"it's sad when people die!" it sure is, joe.

99) "Anyway," Martina McBride

"optimism is good!" thank you for coming to my blog. what a fun and worthwhile exercise this is. martina has a bigger jesus piece than kanye. i mean i haven't done a side-by-side comparison, and i may be conflating the idea of a jesus piece with a cross, but that's a big-ass fuckin' cross.

2.24.2007 77) "Outside Looking In," Jordan Pruitt

THIS FRESH TEEN HAD TWO HOT 100 HITS AND BOTH OF THEM WERE AT LEAST A LITTLE DOPE. I'm officially kinda interested in what a Jordan Pruitt song sounds like ten years later! There's something in here might be worth following, something here that might have been accessed and taken to a cool place. Or she could drop an "In Da Club" cover. I'd be happy with either outcome.

78) "Not Fade Away," Sheryl Crow

This song isn't available on YouTube, and I'm not really all that interested in finding a song I won't like, so I'm just going to pretend Sheryl Crow covered the series finale of Angel, the fourth-best Joss Whedon show. What a bold choice, to release a cover version of a TV episode! I think it was an odd choice for Sheryl Crow to play all the parts, but that was before I knew what an amazing voice actress she was! That voice she did when she's Illyria as Fred, where you know that she's Fred but there's just enough Illyria in there that you know Fred didn't just randomly come back? *kisses fingers* Bella! I think it was a bold artistic move to release a 44-minute song that's actually just a TV episode in radio play form, but a hit's a hit!

87) "Give it to Me," Timbaland ft./Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake

gosh has timbaland aged poorly! there's at least ten different things happening at any given point in this song, and what was unique albeit headache-inducing in 2007 is overly-busy and gross to hear in 2017. can you believe we ever liked this shit? like when people make fun of the mid-aughts' music, they're gonna do it with timbaland-style beats.

93) "1st Time," Yung Joc ft./Marques Houston & Trey Songz

I like, instead of thinking about this slow-ass song, imagining a world where Yung Joc accidentally booked Houston and Songz for the same session, so he just recorded this track with both of them on the hook, and when they both left the producer said "Yung Joc! What are we gonna do about 'Love Fire!'" or whatever the song Trey Songz was supposed to be on was called, and Yung Joc said, "Nah, we're just gonna do it without the feature," so somewhere out there there's a Yung Joc song that simply doesn't have a hook, or has a hook sung by like a janitor or something because all involved decided it was weird that there was just thirty seconds of instrumental between the verses.

94) "2 Step," Unk

What if this is a prequel to "Walk It Out?" Where Unk realizes that a full walk might be too advanced for his class, so he teaches them how to take two steps until they're ready to take on a full walk? This song observes the time-honored tradition of substituting loud for fun and hoping no one can tell the difference.

100) "Rock Yo Hips," Crime Mob ft./Lil Scrappy

This song's video started with a drumline walking across a bridge, and that made a promise this song broke. Why would you set expectations for a "Lose My Breath"-style beat just to dash them. What a waste.

3.03.2007 56) "Like a Star," Corinne Bailey Rae

This was pleasant background music for the article analyzing the upcoming NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Tournament from a standpoint of which players are worthwhile NBA prospects to watch I chose to think about instead! Lonzo Ball, man, he has a really shitty sports dad, maybe not John Tomic bad but certainly Piotr Wozniacki bad, but if the dad calms the hell down, Lonzo's gonna be something else. Oh well this song's over, alright, that was sure nice. Good job, friend.

71) "Gravity," John Mayer

god but john mayer's worthless.

73) "High Maintenance Woman," Toby Keith

I mean, this song is kinda creepy, but it's also about a country boy with an unrequited crush on a city girl, and he's not like "I'ma take you to a cornfield and we're gonna listen to the music of the roosters," he's like, "Yeah, it's not gonna happen, and that sucks but oh well." The maintenance man never makes his pitch to the high maintenance woman, because it's clear: there's no way to bridge the gap between them. What a tragic tale.

75) "Flathead," The Fratellis

remember the post-punk revival that kicked off with modest mouse and franz ferdinand and the killers dropping fire tracks that sort of wound up being brit-rock band after brit-rock band trying their best at their own "take me out," and also the killers got mad pompous? what a terrible fad that was! the fratellis stand in for the zutons and razorlight and bloc party and kasabian and the feeling and all those gross shitty brit-rock bands that said "We can make 'Take Me Out' no problem!" and wasted everyone's goddamned time trying. ...okay i guess bloc party ended up making "I Still Remember," they're cool, but if you were a british rock band in the mid-aughts, you were making just the worst things.

90) "I'm a Flirt," Bow Wow or R. Kelly ft./T.I. & T-Pain

this is a really cool song about how r. kelly is going to hit on every single thing alive whether it (and it is strongly important i use "it" here, as this is surely in line with r. kelly's worldview) desires his advances or not, which is a really cool song for r. kelly to have made. t.i. appears on this song to remind us that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

91) "Read My Mind," The Killers

"also the killers got mad pompous." ~me, like ten minutes ago (for me, maybe like seven seconds ago for y'all?). I think I'm trying to cram too much into a short amount of time, but man, it's been like ten songs since I've heard something I'm even a little into. I’m havin’ a rough go. As this man moans about how sad he is or whatever, I think back to that young outcast girl, trying to survive high school, and I enjoy her even more. Jordan Pruitt is the greatest artist of this or any generation, and her new album will be a balm for the world.

100) "Stand," Rascal Flatts

Like, here's the thing I forgot about songs forgotten by time: a lot of them deserve to have been forgotten! Our expedition to the past has thus far yielded a dope Vanessa Hudgens song, affirmed that I enjoy Modest Mouse, and has brought home treacly pop/country ballad after TREACLY POP/COUNTRY BALLAD. I have three weeks left. One of these weeks has "Girlfriend." I wanted to do this. I thought this would be a valuable use of my time. ...You're right, it's my fault for not just picking a random week to analyze the Hot 100 so I could have "Irreplaceable" waiting for me at the end. I'm talking about the songs of 2007, yet the rules I have in place prevent me from bringing up "Irreplaceable." Aaaaaaaag.

3.10.2007 72) "Break 'Em Off," Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe

At one point Lil' Keke says, "Buckle up the seatbelt," and I am glad that this song is committed to safety. Also "student loans on my tooth" is a timeless metaphor that I absolutely adore. I think I just spent four minutes with this beat and eventually kind of accepted that the "bwah bwah bwabwabwah" was a fact of life and rolled with it. "Student loans on my tooth." Bless this song.

84) "Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin')," T-Pain ft./Yung Joc

If I were T-Pain, I would be doing my best Serena Williams impression and tweeting out "I made you" every single time there's some news article about some sales record Future broke. Like, if you go back in time and play Future for someone who just heard "Rapper's Delight" for the first time, there's no way they'd be able to trace the evolutionary line from Sugarhill Gang to whatever they just heard, but you play "Draco" for someone in 2007 that just heard T-Pain for the first time, they could give a rough sketch, Auto-Tune becomes de rigeur and then some Kurt Cobain-like figure comes in and just bums everyone out. I have compared Future to Kurt Cobain when I'm supposed to be talking about this T-Pain song. T-Pain is the grandfather of modern music, is what I’m trying to say, and this song should be in a museum, as it is an essential piece of American history. Without songs like these, who knows if we ever get My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy?

88) "Circle," Marques Houston

This is alright enough! It holds my interest about as well as the average Adele song, so hey, way to earn this Adele comparison, friend! A wholly unregrettable four minutes! Honestly I'm just obsessed with these shots in the video of Marques Houston standing in the middle of a room surrounded by five pianists. I have so many questions about this particular creative choice. Why five? Why are they arranged so haphazardly? The song is called "Circle." The five pianos are arranged in two rows. That is curious! Did any of the girls know how to play piano? The hats: did you try to have your pianists wear other hats that did not work as well? Did you try any hatless shots? What a curious video.

90) "Keep Your Mind Wide Open," AnnaSophia Robb

Young woman, I have known Jordan Pruitt. You are no Jordan Pruitt. Jordan Pruitt would have turned this into a jam. And now I'm on the Bridge to Terabitihia (2007 film) Wikipedia and asking myself if Leslie was the original manic pixie dream girl, and, boy, is that ever a thought I have to live the rest of my life knowing I have had. (She was BTW. Oh just you wait I've got a real corker waiting once we get to Elliott Yamin's song.)

98) "Pop Lock and Drop It," Huey

/sigh/ I mean, it brought dance to the world. i hated listening to it, but nothing that puts more dance in the world is completely devoid of value.

99) "Long Trip Alone," Dierks Bentley

now, when i called the girl in bridge to terabitihia a manic pixie dream girl, know that, while i am assigning the designation based on a barely-remembered sixth-grade reading of the novel and a plot synopsis on wikipedia, i am using the phrase manic pixie dream girl in its original sense, that leslie is a character who only exists to show the damaged male character that he is still worthwhile and his life can still be filled with magic and wonderment. i am not using it to say "this is a female character i don't like," as has become common practice. also for the record, i know a Mary Sue is a character that exists as a vessel of wish fulfillment for the author, an over-powered character who gets too much to do and strains credulity. a Mary Sue is also not a female character i don't like. this song blows.

3.17.2007 5) "Girlfriend," Avril Lavigne

We didn't have to listen to this. What if we all had made "Don't Tell Me" or "My Happy Ending" just slightly bigger hits? Do the Powers That Be not get so desperate that they try to turn Avril into a cheerleader? It never had to be like this. We had the choice. We could have told Arista/RCA that we enjoyed our bratty mall-punk queen Avril just the way she was, and they didn't have to fuck with the formula. But we didn't, so they went ahead and made things o complicated, and we got this. This awful, awful thing. We should have recognized that Avril would be a thing until we stopped paying attention to her completely, and that if we ignored her she would only try to recapture our attention, but we just said "Eh, 'My Happy Ending' ain't that bad," because we are fools who believe in half-measures.

61) "Movin' On," Elliott Yamin

Elliott Yamin was the Bernie Sanders of season five of American Idol. Katharine McPhee was Hillary Clinton, the princess whose win the producers so clearly desired but was really boring and never really seized the moment at any point. Daughtry was Ted Cruz, the consummate professional who would've been a fine evil overlord had voters not found him so aloof, and Taylor Hicks was, of course, Donald Trump, the loud fuckbag who was complete trash but shouted the same catch-phrase a million times and beat himself into a certain segment of the American population's hearts, and then he won and delegitimized the whole enterprise. (American Idol before Hicks: Clarkson, Aiken, Fantasia, J-Hud, Underwood, Daughtry, McPhee, Yamin. American Idol after Hicks: Jordin Sparks’ 2008, ???.) Elliott Yamin was never going to win. He was too goofy, too different, there is no America in which Elliott Yamin is an Idol. But if you listened to him, it was clear he was the most talented, was the most forward-thinking, had the best chance of anyone at a Clarkson-esque career in pop music. Listen to this song! It's so fucking dope! It's the freshest jam I've heard since I don't know when, a song I absolutely love! I want to believe in an America that would believe in this song, but I know I can't, I could never trust America to vote for this dude. Also real talk Mandisa's more my speed. There is no analogue for Mandisa in the 2016 election. That was fucked up, what we did to Mandisa. Thank you for reading my American Idol thinkpiece.

74) "The Neighbor," Dixie Chicks

This is still a great song about a rage just a tad more passive-aggressive than that on display in "Not Ready to Make Nice," which this song essentially follows up. It's both about living with a neighbor who talked mad shit about you and about all the country dudes who probably called them horrible names after they spoke out about Bush. Like, "I mean. I live here, though? I'm not moving, dawg. Y'all can't just act like I don't live here." It's not a towering achievement in the field of revenge songs, but if I needed all songs to be "Not Ready to Make Nice," I wouln't be listening to other songs.

76) "Outta My System," Bow Wow ft./T-Pain & Johnta Austin

sure. i'm okay with the fact this song existed. y'all earned this B. i'm so bored i'm assigning grades.

81) "Like a Boy," Ciara

Hip-hop lost something when they stopped inviting Miri Ben-Ari to play violin on their songs instead of synthesizing strings. That said, this is the first song in a good long while that I think we slept on. I won't assign forgotten classic status, it's a tad over-dramatic and there's always something just a bit intangible (of course it's intangible it's a song) shut up, there's just something that always feels missing from a Ciara song, always feels like the ingredients are all present but there's some spice or another that the dish could have used, and my palette isn't quite refined enough to identify exactly what's missing but something in that pantry could have sent this bad boy to the moon. (I didn't want to say Flavor Town and thus lost control of the metaphor.) It's surprisingly good! It's fine if you don't check it out tho all of us will be OK if you don't.

83) "Home," Daughtry

I can't imagine ever having a strong opinion about this song.

84) "Because of You," Ne-Yo

the bass note that plays once every measure is such a fucking miracle, that tiny little "ba-doom" is just pure, like the choice to put that thing in this song is the strongest argument i've ever heard for the christian god. might could be i see what's next and am holding onto this with all my heart. ne-yo is worthy of all my heart, tho. there is no such thing as a bad ne-yo song, he even took piles' "bust it baby pt. 2" to the stratosphere, and that song contains the single-worst lyric in music history. our lives are emptier without him.

89) "Freak on a Leash (Unplugged)," Ko[backwards R]n ft./Amy Lee

i'm not gonna blame 2007 for this one. this is 1999 reaching its wretched hand through the ground and trying to pull us all down to its hell. "THEY GOT AMY LEE!" KEEP RUNNING. "WE HAVE TO SAVE HER!" SHE’S GONE! “WE HA --” BEN SHE’S FUCKING GONE AND WE HAVE TO KEEP RUNNING

91) "Look After You," The Fray

I mean yeah sure. a fine job you did with the thing you always are.

95) "Better Than Me," Hinder

WERE WE ALL AWARE THAT ICE-T HAD A METAL BAND?! So, okay, I was listening to "Better Than Me" and wondering what the shit I was supposed to say about this grossness, but then YouTube said the band Body Count had a single called "No Lives Matter," and the part of me that watches films like The Room said, "Oh, that's gonna be a bad time." I clicked away from Hinder's tripe because I needed to see what this band related to Hinder was doing with a song called "No Lives Matter." I was expecting a regrettable nu-metal jam about the meaningless of life, a version of "In the End" with the worst imaginable song title, and then Ice-T started monologuing on how bullshit All Lives Matter-ass white folks are, and I thought, okay, sure, that's Ice-T, that's a get, I guess whatever the fuck Body Count is is cognizant of social issues, and THEN THE SONG STARTED AND IT WENT HARD AS FUCK AND ICE-T WAS SCREAMING ABOUT RACISM AND I AM SO INTO THIS FUCKING SONG. So I guess I found something worthwhile about "Better Than Me:" inputting it into your watch history causes the YouTube algorithm to recommend SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS THRASHER ANTHEMS for you!

96) "Last Dollar (Fly Away)," Tim McGraw

if tim mcgraw has ever been down to his last dollar someone somewhere deeply fucked up. "i've worn right through my shoes." JUST BUY NEW SHOES. YOU ARE WORTH $140M. YOU CAN FUCKING AFFORD NEW SHOES. man these rap songs in the project have been kinda shitty, but at least they're aspirational. they're all about dudes who wanna drive fancy cars and drink expensive liquors and wear ostentatious chains. they're not millionaires pretending to be farmers, they're real-ass people with real-ass dreams. this is trash.

3.24.2007 91) "Good Directions," Billy Currington

"I was sittin' there sellin' turnips in a flatbed truck" WERE YOU? WERE YOU?!

93) "Teardrops on My Guitar," Tay Tay

I'm going to bring up my girl Jordan Pruitt because she provides a fascinating counterpoint to "Teardrops on My Guitar." Because honestly there isn't much separating the two women. Jordan Pruitt has the slightly better singing voice, Tay Tay had a defter handle on songwriting, but they’re pretty similar in all other respects. I think it helps that Tay Tay went country. Writing a song about one specific boy would've been laughed out of the pop world, but country is all about specificity. The worthlessness of "Good Directions" is now instructive -- he's not a farmer, he's specifically a turnip farmer. You don't go to the gas station to ask for directions, you go to the Mama Raymond's store under the big Coke sign. (Her name wasn't Mama Raymond but I don't care to look it up.) Likewise, "Teardrops on My Guitar" mentions that boy Drew. She's not just crying, she's crying while playing guitar. And because her first song was called "Tim McGraw" and "Picture to Burn" has a fiddle, this is a country song, even though this is pop as fuck, honestly one of the most redundant things in the world is the pop remix of this song. Which isn't to suggest that the only thing that kept Jordan Pruitt from mega-stardom is that she never picked up a banjo, of fucking COURSE it's not just that. Tay Tay is Tay Tay because a dozen people (including Tay Tay) created a plan to make Tay Tay Tay Tay, and it was executed flawlessly, not a hitch at all until Kim Kardashian said, "No, honey, let me record this call, trust me, you KNOW she's gonna wanna try some bullshit." Without knowing the grand plan for Jordan Pruitt, I believe that plan culminated with her getting a Hot 100 hit and everyone jumping for joy because they were so proud. But still: Jordan Pruitt wasn’t that far from being Tay Tay. “Teardrops on My Guitar” is a bad song, and "Outside Looking In" and "Jump to the Rhythm" were a little generic but somewhat jams, if just one little thing had changed I’m being hard on “Jump to the Rhythm” because that’s the birth of the titan and going easy on “Teardrops on My Guitar” because there’s no way a barely-famous Tay Tay doesn’t spend her free time self-searching, but, I mean, that's what life is, y'know? Martha MacIsaacs sells one of the five funniest lines in Superbad, but Emma Stone wins the Oscar for Best Actress.

95) "Please Don't Go," Tank

...So. Okay. Tank begins by saying that his girlfriend found a list of numbers in his car. That seems like a weird place to keep your list of numbers. Were you at least keeping them in the glove box? That wouldn't have been the safest place to keep that list, but hey, how often is your girl gonna need fast food napkins? Then he says his girl called all the ones he marked with a star, and OK, Tank, my man, my boy, that's a really fucking stupid thing you did. "Ah! What a nice session of sexual intercourse that was with my latest paramour! And now, as is custom, I shall mark the occasion by drawing a fun little star next to her name! I hope my girlfriend doesn't find this list of girls I think are hot with the ones I've fucked starred! That would be the end of the relationship!" And then he asks, "Fellas, tell me why, how come we're always doing wrong?" WE?! WHO IS THIS WE?! OH DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE IMPLICATE ME IN THIS ONE, TANK. THIS ONE'S ALL YOU, STARBOY. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE OUT HERE TRYING TO RUN THE DUMBEST FUCKING GAME IMAGINABLE. It's like someone heard John Legend's "Number One" and said, "What if we made it completely serious? Tongue nowhere near cheek, no one winks at all, just a cheating jerkhole with zero redeeming qualities?" What a way to end this first entry. I thought this was just gonna be bad! Nope: notably bad!

So now, the Top 20 for 2007: 20) "Glamorous," by Fergie ft./Ludacris (1.27.2007) 19) "The Neighbor," by Dixie Chicks (3.17.2007) 18) "Outside Looking In," by Jordan Pruitt (2.24.2007) 17) "Like a Boy," by Ciara (3.17.2007) 16) "Grace Kelly," by MIKA (2.17.2007) 15) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 14) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 13) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 12) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 11) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 10) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 9) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 8) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 7) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 6) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 5) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) It’s hard to say which year is better. I think the Top 5 of 2007 pummels the Top 5 of 2017; I love “Issues” and “Green Light” and “Despacito” and “iSpy” and “Run Up,” but like “Candyman” dawg. But 2017 so far maintains an A-/B+ level from 1-20, and 2007 falls apart after #11. “Glamorous” made the Top 20. If you pull a group of 78 random songs, and “Glamorous” can be said to have a place as one of the 20 best in that group, on the whole, you have a shitty group of songs, I don’t care how many versions of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” are in there. 2017 gets the edge, but we know 2007′s got a few classics headin’ our way. 2007 will deliver "Thnks fr the Mmrs,” “Stronger,” “International Player’s Anthem,” and High School Musical 2. All we know we’re getting from 2017 is 10 more Ed Sheeran songs.

(will 1997 and 1987 and all the other 7s make it to this party?) no because that sounds like a lot of work and frankly i’m not into that (isn’t this project borne out of an overabundance of free time tho) ...goddamnit i’m going to do it aren’t i

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