#whileyouweregone

[guestbusters-blog1]

Sometimes you don't realize

Just how much you love someone

Until they're gone

------------

"I'll be back in a week," he had told her just a few days ago, preparing to take off on Toothless near the clubhouse. "I can't ignore Dad's birthday… but I can't ignore the Edge's safety, either, so I'm leaving you in charge while I'm gone."

Astrid had felt worried at his leave, and to be honest, sad. She understood why Hiccup had to leave. He loved his father, and wanted to be there for him on his birthday. But Astrid felt uneasy. What if something happened while he was gone? What if he crash landed with Toothless on a deserted island and no one knew? What if he was captured by Viggo and Ryker? Too many horrible possibilities ran through her mind, and she hated all of them.

"I know," Astrid had sighed. "I just wish I could come with you."

Hiccup smiled, patting Toothless on the head. "I know. I wish that too. But if the Edge comes to be under attack while I'm gone, you're the only one who will know how to set up the defenses." At her concerned expression, he added, "I promise I'll hurry back."

Astrid nodded. "Okay. Just… be safe."

"When am I not safe?" Hiccup grinned. He paused when Astrid sent him a glare. "Fair enough… well, I see you in a week. Bye!" He took off the landing strip with Toothless, and the two soared through the air, perfectly in sync with one another. They glided up to the clouds, and a minute later were out of sight.

Astrid still stood there for an hour after, though, feeling too worried to do anything but watch her friend go.

And the next few days weren't any better. Astrid was miserable without Hiccup around, and she discovered just how much she depended on him. The other Riders, of course, complained at her often sharp tone, but she barely acknowledged them as she stormed away.

Okay, first thing's first… check the perimeter for weaknesses, and fortify the parts that need work… She whistled for Stormfly, and stood at the doors of the clubhouse, watching the sky. Astrid knew that Hiccup wouldn't come back today, but there was still that faint hope… oh, gods, she missed him.

Stormfly landed beside her, the dragon squawking with excitement at the thought of a flight. Astrid frowned when she went over her plans to check the base. Everything seemed… bland, almost. Unimportant. Without Hiccup around, how did she know exactly what needed to be done and what didn't?

Confused, Stormfly shuffled on her feet, waiting for Astrid to climb on. The girl was snapped back to her senses, and shook her head. Stop being a baby, she told herself as she slid onto Stormfly. Hiccup will be back in a few days. You can last that long. You did it before when Hiccup, Snotlout, and Fishlegs went to help Johann from the wild dragons last year… She paused before nudging Stormfly to take off. So what changed?

"Let's go, girl," she said.

Stormfly cooed, and leapt off the platform with a powerful push of her claws. Astrid was about to direct the dragon towards the coast, when a pang of loneliness hit her. Hiccup and her used to make these rounds together, and it felt odd not being able to do it with him.

She found herself flying Stormfly towards Hiccup's hut, and bit her lip. Maybe Hiccup had laid out a list of things he wanted to get done, and then Astrid could do them. At least then she'd have something to do that Hiccup needed.

When the girl landed Stormfly next to Hiccup's hut, she hopped off and slowly walked inside after pushing open the door. The interior of the room was bland, but there were many of Hiccup's wild inventions laid around. The loft where Hiccup slept in loomed above her, and she knew that was the place she needed to be.

Astrid climbed up to the platform that Hiccup slept in, and looked around. Of course, everything was in a mess, as it usually was when Hiccup was working recently. "Now, where would Hiccup keep a list of chores?" she whispered, walking over to his untidy desk. It was littered with crumpled papers and sketches of new inventions, but Astrid sensed she could find something useful if she looked.

Maybe in his notebook? she guessed, frowning. After a minute of searching, she finally found it buried under the rest of Hiccup's papers. "Ah! Here it is," she muttered, and flipped it open.

She was surprised to see what was first in the journal.

There was a detailed drawing of Astrid on the first page, every mark carefully drawn. Astrid could even count every hair on her head that Hiccup had stroked down with his charcoal, and felt her heart thud faster as she examined the sketch more.

The picture of herself was so lifelike… her eyes were full of eagerness and determination, and she had her usual faint smile decorating her face. But the way Hiccup had so elegantly drawn the girl… it took Astrid's breath away.

All of the sudden she felt curious, and wondered if there were any more drawings inside. So, if a bit sheepishly, Astrid turned the page.

The girl sucked in a breath when she realized what was there.

Journal entries.

"I shouldn't be reading these," she said, against snooping into Hiccup's private works. "They're his own thoughts, and…." Astrid trailed off when she noticed her name in one of the paragraphs. Well, she reasoned, if my name is in there, I should have the right to see what it is.

With a nervous swallow, she began to read.

--------------

Dear myself,

Astrid looked really pretty today.

I wanted to compliment her about it, but the last time any boy said that she looked nice got a bad twisted wrist, so I held off. I want to tell her someday, though. I'm just not sure how she'll take it.

Astrid's getting prettier by the day, I think. I'm not sure she notices it yet, but it's still easy to tell that she's still the same Astrid she was all those years ago, if not on the outside anymore, then on the inside.

I thought about asking Johann for a pearl necklace to give her, but I quickly decided against it. Astrid isn't the one for necklaces. Maybe I'll get her an ax instead.

Until the next entry,

-HHH III

--------------

Astrid froze, and a breath caught in her throat.

What?

Hiccup thought all of these nice things about her, but had refrained from saying them in case of offending her. Which he could never do, because he was Hiccup. It just wasn't in his blood to insult someone.

Astrid took in a deep breath. She wasn't sure if she wanted to read any more, but was soon lured in by the entry.

----------

Dear myself,

I almost lost Astrid yesterday to Odin's Scourge, and every time I look at her now, I want to hold onto her forever. Of course, I can't do that or she'd strangle me. Or attack me with her ax. Either way, it'd be painful.

I wonder how she feels about almost dying. I want to confront her about it, but she already seems to have forgotten the incident, so I don't mention it.

My fears are worse at night. I dream about what would have happened if we hadn't gotten to the Buffalord in time… what if I had failed? Toothless comforts me when I wake up from a nightmare, but he can't erase the memories- or those terrible feelings...

I hope Astrid doesn't feel this way. And if she does, I wish she'd talk to me about it. I hate seeing her suffer when I can help.

Until the next entry,

-HHH III

--------------

Dear myself,

It turns out, Viggo put a bounty on me. Yep. Great news, I know.

You know what's even greater? I got kidnapped last night, and was only rescued today. I have to admit…. I was scared during the whole thing. I honestly thought I was going to be killed.

But then Astrid, my father, and the other Riders appeared. They saved me, and I'm really grateful. I had lost my prosthetic once the Riders arrived, but didn't expect to get any help. So when Astrid came over and helped me up, it felt nice to know she cared, because she always seems to put on a warrior face, not letting anything bother her. Yet when I was slightly injured, she lowered her walls and revealed concern for my well being. It was a new thing to experience, and I'm curious to see if she'll do it again.

Tomorrow, I'm looking forward to seeing her. You know, to thank her. I hadn't realized how much I missed seeing her until we were separated. But, she'd probably kill me if I told her that. Maybe in the future I'll ask her if she feels the same way.

Until the next entry,

-HHH III

--------------

Each word felt like an arrow to the chest.

Hiccup… did he actually feel this way? Did he truly miss her when they were gone, like she felt right now? Astrid's eyes darted down to the next entry, and she read it. Then she read another one. And another.

In each one, Hiccup mentioned Astrid and a piece of how he felt about her. His writing touched the girl deeply, and tears formed in her eyes. She'd be so selfish… never giving a second thought of her relationship with Hiccup. Sure, she had always loved him as a good friend, but never stopped to ponder if there was something more going on between them.

And right here was proof that there was. Well, at least in Hiccup's mind.

Suddenly, it felt like he was a million miles away from Astrid, making her almost wilt with sorrow. She'd have to wait days until he returned… and right now, that felt like forever. When he got back, she promised herself, she'd confront him about this.

Yes. She finally would.

Blinking back hot tears, Astrid closed the journal and placed it back on the table. "Come back soon, Hiccup," she whispered. "Please."

--------------

Rain slammed against the top of Astrid's hut, making her grimace from her seat in the room.

It was late at night, and Hiccup was supposed to have been back by now. In fact, he should have arrived hours earlier, which caused Astrid to begin a small panic. What if something happened to him in the storm? What if he was hurt or in trouble?

Astrid got up from the chair, and started to pace. She couldn't imagine living in a world without Hiccup. No, nothing had happened to him… she was just overreacting. He must have gotten caught up, that was it.

Stopping her footsteps, Astrid stood in the middle of her hut, and hugged herself.

After a sigh, she took a breath in as she stared at the floor. He'd be back soon. He had to be. After everything she had learned about his feelings, she wasn't going to give up. It wasn't too late.

Oh, if only I told him sooner…

"Astrid."

That faint, playful, yet stern voice echoed across the room, traveling over to the girl. She shivered, daring to hope that her pleads would be answered. Wanting the speaker of the voice to be him.

It had to be.

She looked up, tears evident in her crystal blue eyes. A hand flew to her mouth when she saw him in the doorway.

With rain-soaked hair that dripped freely onto the floor, he looked a bit awkward. Every strand of his auburn hair was pressed flat against his head, and his eyes were like two green jewels in a sea of white sand, both welcoming yet set back.

Hiccup.

Before she knew it, Astrid ran at the boy and threw her arms around him, placing her chin on his shoulder. It felt nice there, despite the recent wetness of the rain. "Don't scare me like that again!" she whisper-scolded. "I didn't know where you were, or if you were in trouble… gods, Hiccup... "

Hiccup winced. "Sorry. Toothless had a bit of trouble flying in the rain, so we had to stop on a couple of sea stacks on the way here... so, what happened while I was gone?" He chuckled. "Well, anything besides the twins and Snotlout blowing up things?"

Astrid closed her eyes, clutching him tighter. "Hiccup, I… I found your journal."

She felt Hiccup stiffen in her grip, but he didn't pull away. "A-Astrid… I can explain. If it offended you in any way-"

But Astrid had had enough of Hiccup's protesting, of his selflessness. So, she planted a kiss on his cheek, smiling when she saw his dazed expression. "That's for everything you wrote in the journal," she told him.

Hiccup smiled weakly in return.

Then, Astrid leaned in and kissed him again- this time on the lips.

"And that's for everything else."

[whatayearmakes]

Sometimes I look back on pictures and remember a time where you could look me in the eye and see into our future. Now I’m sitting on the other side of the phone waiting for you to maybe send a picture, just a splice of the heights you’re soaring while I’m on the ground.

[pleasecome-home]

Wednesday, Day Three

Being physically tired but mentally awake is one of the worst feelings ever.  I want nothing more than to sleep deeply and through the night and yet it’s one of the only things I can’t do.  And it makes me feel like shit.  I’m exhausted and in physical pain. I’m so depressed that even thinking about doing photoshoots makes me want to cry.  I don’t want to see anyone.  I don't want to do anything.  I just want to lay in bed and sleep.  I’m already stressing about a fictional argument that may or may not even happen tomorrow.  I can’t think straight. My bookings have stopped completely and I have to reschedule my shoots this weekend because of the stupid rain.  It’s almost like I should just stop trying.  It’s like the universe doesn’t want me to graduate.  God I wish you were here.  I just need a hug. I washed the sheets today.  It only took my three days.  They still smelled like you.  I wonder if I’ll sleep better or not on clean sheets.  I kind of hope I do, but I kind of hope I don’t.  Now I just have to do the rest of my laundry.  Our laundry. I can’t express how much I hate the smell of cigarettes.  Unimportant, but still valid. I don’t think I’ll be able to pay attention in class tonight.  I don’t know who’s teaching it but I don’t really care.  It’s cold and I don’t want to be here.  I wish I didn’t need the credits.  I just want to go to bed. I just went to text you.  I have nothing to do before class starts.  There’s no one here to talk to.  No one seems to be responding to my texts (probably overanalyzing because 1. that’s what I do and 2. other people have lives and they’re probably just busy).  I just want to talk to you.  I wanted to send a letter through the app they told me to download but I don't want to be that girlfriend.  I don’t want to be overzealous or annoying.  I want you to settle in first, to establish yourself. I want to be supportive.

[itssurelee-blog]

#whileyouweregone

[norakjn]

4

[sparrowsfallingfromthesky]

I got back to my room after being home for the weekend and found this on the wall because my friends are unwilling to post shenanigans about themselves or each other but do not ever stop the shenanigans

[tayskingdom]

When you don’t log onto tumblr for 2 days and it feels like you’ve missed a whole year. Some serious “Since you’ve been gone” Kelly Clarkson type feels rn.

[pleasecome-home]

Tuesday, Day Sixteen

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Ok not actually sure when the last time was. A lot has been going on lately.

Friday was a seminar for school. I didn’t really pay attention to it. It was all fine art stuff anyway. Then I had a session. It went fairly well. It was at their house that hasn’t been built yet. Two year old had a meltdown. As usual.

Saturday was Cassie’s bridal shower. She was the only one I knew there but we spent a good amount of time together. I didn’t overeat and only had one cupcake. I took some pictures for her. Seeing her with Michael made me miss you a lot. They’re so sweet together and he’s just a really good guy.

Sunday I had another session. Cake smash. It went really well and I really like the family. I can’t wait for their family session next month. The pictures came out awesome too. I actually had a really good day that day.

Yesterday I went to a show with Kelsey. It was rough. I was hangry and there were two idiots in front of us. But the show was incredible. Really talented guys. And seeing Kelsey is always fun. (Hi Kelsey!) And we got to meet him AND got free parking. Both were pretty awesome.

I didn’t go to class today seeing as I got home at 1. I haven’t eaten yet but mom is making me an omelette. She said there’s a surprise in it. Not sure how I feel about that. (Surprise was bacon. I’m ok with it.)

But she is on board for the ESA so I’m trying to look for breeders.

I’m not looking forward to school anymore. It’s week 5 and I feel like I have nothing. Especially in editorial. But hopefully I’ll make up for it this weekend.

[pleasecome-home]

Wednesday, Day Ten

I miss you.

God I miss you. It’s so weird without you here and my brain doesn’t know how to handle it. I keep thinking that you’ll never come back to me. That you won’t want me to come with you.

I haven’t listened to the voicemail you left since the night you left it. I don’t think I can handle it. I want to hear your voice, but not a recording. I want to talk to you, see you, hold you. Everyone says that it will go by quickly, that I won’t even notice. But so far time has been dragging, and it hurts so bad I can’t sleep.

I spent the day with Lindsey and Spencer which was a welcome distraction. We talked and ate and walked and laughed. It was sunny and I was happy.

Then I came home and slept for theee hours. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t keep my eyes open, despite sleeping well the night before. I doubt I’ll sleep like that tonight.

I wrote a letter to you the other day, but as the days pass without one from you, I keep having to change it. As much as I want to send it as soon as I can, I don’t want to use the app. I want them handwritten and meaningful. But mostly, I want to hear from you. I want to know you’re ok.

I hope to be in with a psychiatrist soon and do a mess evaluation. I really need to be able to sleep at night, and make it through the day.

I’m watching one of your movies tonight, hoping it brings some comfort. I keep thinking of when we watched it last, curled up in each other’s arm. I always fall asleep before they’re over, lulled to sleep by you warmth and heartbeat.

Tonight that may not be the case. It’s cold and silent in this bed. I can feel the tears coming.

It’s about time.

[nho-nelly]

🌚🌚🌚 #vibe #WhileYouWereGone

[whileiwaswaitingonyou]

Tu es manques.

As always, I miss you.

[pleasecome-home]

Monday, Day Eight

It’s been a full week. A long, tiring, painful week. But I made it. And that’s what I’m holding on to. I have to or else I may fall apart. And I can’t do that to you.

I sat down to write you a letter last night, and suddenly had nothing to say. So much of what I went through the past week wasn’t positive or supportive, which is what you need. But I didn’t want to lie to you either. I tried to do both. Tell you what I was going through but making sure that you didn’t worry about me either. I can’t have you focused on me while you’re working so hard for yourself. I’m holding on to the hope that I hear from you this week. I need to know you’re ok.

I went hard at the gym today. Squatting 75 lbs, deadlifting 100 lbs. 60 squats. 10 flights of stairs. My legs were shaking for hours. I didn’t want to nap, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I hate that. I don’t know why I’m so tired lately.

Well I guess I do. My depression has soared through the roof. I don’t want to do anything but sleep, but when I go to bed at night I’m wide awake. I would give anything for it to be the other way around. T put in for me to see a psychiatrist. And we talked about possibly getting me an emotional support animal. It’ll help in the long run if you’re gone all the time.

I finally finished my book. I’m trying to read my way through these 13 weeks. Maybe it’ll make the time go faster.

I hope it’ll make the time go faster.

[pleasecome-home]

Saturday, Day Six

I don’t like being alone. I think too much. I was alone last night and I’m alone tonight. I can’t make myself make dinner. I’ve run out of games to play. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m so depressed that I don’t even want to shoot. I had no desire to go to either session today. It was cold. I was tired. I can’t keep this up. The first session was stressful and made me want to go to the second shoot even less. The couple were troopers throughout the cold, which helped.

I don’t have anything pressing that I have to do tomorrow and the weather is going to be pretty shitty. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t wait for therapy on Monday. I really need to talk about this.

I’m trying not to think about when I’ll get your first letter. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I really need to hear from you soon. It hurts so much.

[pleasecome-home]

Friday, Day Five

I don’t know what to say about today.

I slept through the night and still napped.

I went to the gym, power walked three miles on an elliptical, sweat like a pig.

I’m down a whole pound. But I keep eating those damn Hershey kisses Auntie L gave us for Easter.

Had pasta, but less than normal and no seconds. And cereal for dinner.

I feel like shit and I miss you like crazy.

12 more weeks.

[pleasecome-home]

Thursday, Day Four

During the day, I can’t keep my eyes open.

At night, I can’t fall asleep for hours.

Last night was no different.

I was tempted to hit snooze again, but I need the lab hours. I wanted nothing to do with class today. I didn’t want to deal with Ben. It’s always our fault when a session falls through or if we don’t have any new leads. It’s not for lack of trying, but that’s not a good enough excuse.

My assignment this week and next is to take two self portraits. I want to focus on the changes this term - my journey and your absence. But I also don’t want to do it at all. And I need a model for next week and I have a feeling no one will be free. Which of course would be my fault. And I have to pay $50 for fucking parking but was basically jumped on when I asked if we could find somewhere else to shoot. I’m honestly so tired of school and the people there. I just want it to be done.

I had the last of the cake tonight. I’m already hurting. But now it’s gone so you don’t have to worry about me eating any more.

I’m tired but I know I won’t sleep. I’ve run out of games to play on my phone. I changed my background to the picture you sent me of you and Oliver. I miss you so much. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t think due to lack of sleep.

I went to text you last night but had to stop myself. I need you. I need you so much. But I don’t want to make you worry about me, so when I write my letter, I won’t tell you that.

But god is it true.