#while waiting for my mind to go back into music discovery mode again

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

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[starryyyjoon]

I, you | Kim Namjoon One Shot

word count: 8.2k

pairing: idol!namjoon x fem reader

summary: namjoon meets you again and he can't help but want you to look at him the same way he has all these years.

disclaimer: it's sort of written from y/n pov. kind of smut included, not too much but still. other then that, i don't think there's anything. it was written a long time ago so i don't clearly remember, sorry!

Namjoon walked in, followed by a few staff members and they occupied the empty chairs on the conference table and I smiled at him and the others. He looked great like always, he was in a navy blue hoodie and a khaki colored trouser, with his hair pushed backwards exposing his forehead.

There was something and nothing between me and him and it was too tiring to play pretend. "You look good", he remarked and I smiled at him. He's always being too kind, I looked like absolute shit, I hadn't slept in three days and my clothes were whatever was in my reach that I'd put on after showering and I rushed here.

I had met him before this level of success but I was merely an assistant director myself and we'd talked about Monet and his work together, he'd similar interests to mine but both of us didn't really get anywhere because of our timing and I believed it was for the good. He'd always expressed how he liked my vision and wants to work with me on something and I didn't believe my vision because what even was my vision that he could see and not me and after being this big I didn't really thought he'll even remember me until he hit my phone one day and here I was, at the label's office to discuss the details of his mixtape's music video.

"So, do you've something in mind?", I asked him and he pressed his back on the chair letting out a yawn, he seemed tired.

"Not really! I want it simplistic and not too hard to understand. I haven't thought about it or anything so I don't know, I would await what you propose", he softly said.

"I haven't heard the track because of--", he intervened, "--ah you haven't? You should hear it first", he said and I nodded.

"I would need to hear it", I told him, thinking about the lengthy talks with the illustrator already.

The staff then pin pointed about the budget, the do nots and other details and two of my team members who were seated beside me talked thoroughly in detail about the technicalities. Namjoon looked bored with all the talk that didn't interest him. He wasn't much different from before slightly bigger.

All of us stood up coming to an agreement when Namjoon asked me to walk up to his studio to hear the track and I asked my team members to go ahead first. I walked through the dark corridor behind him while he talked to someone on the phone, all the way to his studio. I didn't really hear what he was talking because I was invested in staring around the place like I hadn't seen a building before.

The walls were all dark and a comforting shade since I didn't like the sun anyway. It seemed like a night mode in real life.

His studio was the corner most, he typed the passcode in and stood aside gesturing for me to walk in, followed by him. He hung up the phone call and put his phone aside, switching the AC on. He sat behind the monitor while he switched it on and I went through my inbox.

"So, how have you been?", his deep tone, made me look up and I fidgeted to put my eyes on something other then him while he turned his chair around to face me.

"I have been okay-ish, like the projects I'm doing I'm satisfied with them so I guess it's kinda okay", I said and regretted it immediately, I don't even talk like this and he knows it.

"Not the work c'mon, you, your boyfriend, family, other things?", a lose smile hung on his lips and I looked at him. How can someone look like that?

"No boyfriend because you know no one can put up with this profession. I haven't slept in three days so I'm fucking annoyed and the work is too much that I don't have time for other things", I shrugged and he chuckled. I didn't want to think about guys, I barely had time for myself. Filmmaking was a time bound profession.

"I relate, trust me I do", he turned his chair back around, his eyes on the computer screen and I looked at him. I could see why he could relate, I mean of course he didn't had time either. I knew idol schedules enough to know how these things go. "Why didn't you come that day?", he asked me and my insides twisted.

"I was hoping you don't bring it up", I said in a small voice.

"Why not? I waited for you", he said without looking at me and I threw my head back on the couch thinking of the time when he'd asked me out officially and I didn't make it. "At least I deserve to know what was more important that you didn't make it", he looked at me and I closed my eyes shut.

"I had a flight, I got an exclusive food show travel experience with discovery and it was too good for an opportunity to miss", I let it out and took a breath in. I knew I could never leave work for a guy, any guy, or anyone as a matter of fact and as much as I'd thought about it on the plane...it all seemed for the better. He wasn't the kind of guy I could've had my regular thing with and I was too young to be serious.

"It was a good show", he told me. I could feel his eyes on me and I didn't flinch. I didn't regret it but his words made me feel guilty. My head was on the headrest of the sofa I sat on and my eyes were closed. My subconscious could feel his curious gaze on me.

"Look away Namjoon", I said and I could feel his gaze was still on me.

"Why didn't you call me when you got back?", he asked me and I looked at him.

"I didn't because our cultures differ, everything is poles apart--what's the point of discussing it now?", I asked him, slightly annoyed. He and I separately needed to focus on our careers and he knew it too damn well.

"Okay", he turned around again as his monitor showed a circle indicating that the programme he'd launched was loading. "It does makes me feel better that my better position in life doesn't changes your opinion on me. Quiet comforting", he said, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice but I chose to ignore it. The last thing I'd be doing is fueling this feeling in him by discussing this useless thing which wouldn't make any difference whatsoever.

"Is this the reason you wanted me to do this project with you?", I asked him and he swiftly turned his chair around.

"No, I don't take all this for granted. I love the stuff you do. I'm pretty updated thanks to how active you're on your social media", he smiled and I couldn't shook the thought of seeing my psychotic episodes on my Instagram, Twitter...everywhere. I'm pretty weird out there.

"I love it, the stories", he flased his dimple smile before turning his chair around again and I felt his warmth, like he meant what he said.

For a second I was taken aback with how tall he was from me and how good he looked, he'd always looked good but he was more mature now and much more reserved. "I'll be calling you often because I won't send it for pre-production without your say on the concept", I told him.

"I'll look forward to a lot of calls", he said. "I'm sorry this is taking a while", he added quickly and for some reason I couldn't look away from him, whose back was visible to me.

"No, take your time", I said, crossing my arms against my chest. I really wished he was a regular guy just making music but then I didn't. I wouldn't want someone to wish that for me. He'd earned all of it and I knew it.

"Look away ___", he said slowly. I could feel his grin through his words and I looked away shaking my head right and left softly. "It's, yeah it's playing", he turned around as the music filled in the empty atmosphere.

It was a slow song with a really fast rap. It was how Namjoon was, he contradicted himself too much. I instantly knew it was his writing from the way the words went and the wordplay came into role. I couldn't help but analyze the song because I was supposed to shoot and sketch a music video for it and at times like this I didn't really get to enjoy the art for the art and I hated it.

"How was it?", he asked me, his eyes fixated on me as the music faded. I wanted it to last.

"The only problem with it is that it ends", I flashed a smlie at him and he shook his head throwing it back.

"That's too corny even for you", Namjoon rolled his eyes but I was being serious. "You know I appreciate heavy critics", he said.

"I didn't find anything to criticize, the writing is great, the composition fits and it has a catchy vibe to it. I think I would listen a song like that on a drive or something? In your case a bicycle but yeah! It's a good song", I summarized my opinion. "Do you like want a trendy video?", I asked him.

"Anything that you want to do with it", he said and I gently nodded. Since it was given to me, I couldn't stop thinking about what to do with it.

"Can you stop thinking about it while you're with me ___?", he chuckled and I looked at him taken aback for a second and then nodded with a soft smile pasted on my lips.

"Your fashion sense has improved", I remarked.

"You look casual", he teased me.

"I, I've no fashion sense. I just wear whatever is there", I told him.

"I don't think so, your Instagram says different", he said.

"It's for the show Namjoon", I said.

"You're really not the type to do that, please don't deceive me", he beamed before he turned his chair around again to minimize the current tabs on the computer.

"You're the last person I'd be deceiving--", my words were cut from an incoming call from one of the producers of one of the shows I was working on. "I need to take this", I told him and answered the call while he just gave me a gentle nod in response.

The producer had informed me about the issues related to casting and the final draft of the script and I knew I had to go.

"Guess I'll see you later, bye", Namjoon said warmly as he smiled at me. The thing was he just knew and that always stuck somewhere.

"Bye", I left.

________________

"I, for one, disagree. C'mon how do you even call it an end?", I threw my hands in the air as we discussed it for the millionth time. I liked Su-ho but his thoughts on GOT made me want to kill him. He is the only person I knew who was satisfied with how it ended.

"I think it was okay, c'mon, you have to consider that the novels didn't end and as compared to that I think it was pretty good", Su-ho claimed while he sat on the bean bag in front of me, pushing it comfortably.

"Don't even start with the novels--", my words were interrupted with the sound of the doorbell, "--they didn't even do a good job interpreting it and I am offended by that. Look there novels", I pointed at my bookshelf, showing him my GOT collection which he knew as I opened the door and my head bumped against Namjoon's chest as he took a step in.

He chuckled as he held the back of my head with one hand and pressed my forehead with the other and rubbed it gently to ease the pain.

"What's uh, what's that? Is it iron", I mocked, pointing at his chest while he let me go from his grip and took his shoes off.

"It can be", he said. "But why were you jumping around so enthusiastically?", he asked me as he seated on the couch in front of Su-ho, as he greeted him and Su-ho greeted him back.

"Game of Thrones heavy discussions", I sighed. "This is Su-ho who's illustrating the storyboard", I told Namjoon.

Su-ho was starstruck and it seemed like it'd take him a good minute to recover and Namjoon was obviously used to it. I didn't call him at the office because a lot of people would want to see him then and it could be exhausting plus he'd a time limit on his hands.

"You know him, ___?", Su-ho widened his eyes at me and I nodded, suppressing my laughter seeing his chaotic ass behave like this.

"A little", I said and I could feel Namjoon's gaze on me. "Maybe a lot", I rephrased. I could see by the way Su-ho looked at me that he needed answers. "Coffee?", I asked Namjoon.

"Oh yeah", he replied and I stood up. "I've thought of two concepts, Su-ho please brief him on it and if you want anything differently Namjoon, you can tell him", I told him as I marched towards the kitchen.

Should I use the regular coffee mugs or should I use the better ones? I mean it doesn't matter anyway but still, it kind of does? I don't know. It just comes to me, the over thinking.

Ah.

I could hear him and Su-ho talking about the concepts faintly and I was low-key proud because I did work hard on them. I opened the cabinet to take out the better coffee mugs.

This is what happens when you stop drinking milk and stop growing up. I rested my hands on the kitchen pavement thinking about how many shoes with heels I'd because of my height.

I wasn't very short but I wasn't my desired height too. It was sad. I was the right person to sell the tonics concerning height because my insecurity would make me buy it. I exhaled heavily and turned around to find Namjoon behind me.

"Let me", my hips pressed against the marble pavement while his body gently pressed against my front, I could spot the mole on his neck while he calmly took the box of mugs out. "Okay?", he whispered softly and I looked on without responding.

"Thanks", I told him, hoping he'd get away from me because this had me feeling some type of way. I won't admit what type of way. That makes it worse.

"Anytime", he clicked his lips, taking a few steps back as I stirred the coffee and poured it in three cups. Should've used regular ones.

"I like the quotes on that wall", he said as I handed him his cup, taking the other two. A wall of my house was covered in post-it notes and other stuff. Some print outs of Van Gogh and Frida's works alongside other things.

"Yeah that? Thanks", I said, as I gave the cup to Su-ho. "Did you decide on something?", I asked, as I sat down and Namjoon just beside me.

"Yeah, the first one. It was kind of okay, he made some alterations so I would send it to you by...maximum tomorrow", Su-ho told me. "But why did you call him here for just this?", he asked me.

"You seem so concerned about his whereabouts", I glared Su-ho . "I told him I could just email him but he insisted on doing it in person", I looked at Namjoon who took a long sip from his coffee.

"Yeah I did, don't worry I was absolutely free", Namjoon smiled at Su-ho and I could see Su-ho fanboy-ing.

"You're so in line today", I pressed my words.

"Shut up", Su-ho eyed me. I wrapped my hands around the coffee mug feeling its warmth.

After I talked to Namjoon for a while about the shoot and he explained to me about their company procedure and how they usually did things. I didn't like doing music videos or commercials, there's a lot of time you're bound by what the music video demands and you've to stick with that so that was that. I usually preferred either cinema like movies or dramas, I hadn't done much but I had done a few and travel shows were my preference.

"I'll see you next time then", Su-ho politely remarked looking at Namjoon and he smiled and gently bowed his head. I walked with him up-to the door. "I didn't, what the hell, you could've given me a heads up?", Su-ho whispered slowly to me as I leaned against the door.

"I didn't knew you were a fan", I said and he playfully hit me on my arm.

"I still can't believe it, you've to answer my hot questions next time", he said and I nodded.

"Okay okay", I closed the door shut behind me, taking a seat on the far side of the sofa me and Namjoon were seated on. He was scanning my bookshelf and I was looking at him.

"Literally 70% of it is fiction", he said. I read a lot of fiction and he read a lot of nonfiction.

"You should read fiction", I said and he looked at me slightly pissed.

"I do read fiction just not thar much", he pointed at my bookshelf. "If you've to recommend one, shoot", he said.

"Recommend, uh, the secrets of happiness", I said randomly and his face sunk in annoyance. "It's not a book talking about literal secrets of happiness, it has a story", I told him.

"Ah okay...I will try reading that. Let me take your copy", he said.

"No", I said back in a split second.

"I won't lose it, c'mon, ___", he said. I couldn't believe his testimony on not losing it.

"Fine, but it's annotated. You'll owe me big time if you lose it", I said and he nodded vigorously.

"Your place is great", he said looking around the house and I couldn't see why, I mean yeah maybe but not that I find it great if I think from his point of view.

"I'm barely here anyway. I pay rent for no reason", I kept the empty mug in my hand on the glass table in front of us.

"That was your friend though, Su-ho?", Namjoon asked as he kept his cup, followed by me.

"Oh yeah! I met him for work but then it's been a while since I know him, it's been years actually and he's a friend now", I said thinking about Su-ho. I don't know why I bothered explaining. It's been a good five years since Namjoon and I hadn't been in touch and there was a little catching up to do.

"You've always had a lot of friends, don't you", he sighed as he sat cross legged on the sofa facing me. I do have plenty friends honestly.

"Kind of", I shrugged. His gaze on me made me sit back in a more cautious way as I fixed my posture. "Namjoon...", I called out his name when the doorbell rung and I was irritated. "Give me a second", I stood up and walked up-to the main door.

It was my neighbor who's mother had left their house keys with me and he was here to take it back. He thanked me for keeping it and walked up to his own flat which was in front of mine.

I closed the door shut and Namjoon was standing by the balcony seeing a cactus I had grown since I couldn't grow any other plant because I was never home to take care of them in case.

"It's cute", he said as he picked the potted plant and stared at it for a little while and I stood behind him and watched him see it.

"You know your pupils dilate when you see plants", I said and he smiled to himself. He kept the cactus back in its resting place and stared at me. "What?", I asked him.

"You were going to say something", he said, his voice sounded deeper then usual for a second and I licked my bottom lip in haste.

"Oh that, you know the alterations you made? I will directly mail it to the staff and maybe cc you because it won't need a second check anyway. I've to get this done a little early since I've--", he turned towards me and I took a step back but there was barely any space and my back was pressed against the wall, "--what is it?", I asked but it came out as a whisper.

"Here", he dragged his index finger across my bottom lip and there was something on my lip. I didn't really see what was on there because of his presence so close to me. My heartbeat had fastened and I could feel it. Something I didn't want to feel.

"Thanks, I guess", I said slowly and he flashed his dimple smile at me and in that moment he seemed the opposite of the dominant he was a few seconds ago.

"Do you know you look really good?", he said, as his fingers ran across my ear touching the piercings one by one. I regretted having three all of a sudden. "And I didn't intended to do this but ___ I uh", he bent over a little, his lips a few inches away from my ear and his breath was falling on my neck.

"Namjoon", I said, trying to not look at him. I knew damn well I couldn't be able to control myself.

"Hmm", his voice was so small and I could feel goosebumps all over my neck. His gaze on me was strong and I had jitters in my stomach.

"I, uh--let's not okay", I put my hands on his shoulder as he pulled me more closer with a jolt and I gasped.

"Do you really not want to?", he asked me. It was a while since I was in this close proximity of someone like this but my subconscious kept telling me not to. "I don't understand what you find so undesirable about me", he took a few steps back and looked away.

What?

"Do you think I find you undesirable?", I asked him, pressing my lips suppressing my smile. I couldn't get how could he change roles in a span of few seconds.

"Yeah, it's pretty evident really", he sighed, looking at the the far side of the sky at the horizon and I saw him sulking.

"It's not that, are you fucking dumb? It's just you know you shouldn't start things you can't take care of", I said. For some reason I've always felt a little hesitant with him. "But you're desirable enough", I added.

"Sudden validation from you, ah", he clicked his lips in mockery and I felt bad. The last thing I wanted was to look like I was playing hard to get. I didn't feel competent enough in my heart. "Let me kiss you", he said, taking a few steps closer breaking the chain of my thoughts and I hated being so much in control and feeling a little out of place.

I was back to where I was a few seconds ago, me cornered and he put his lips on mine and my body automatically responded. He took over me in a second. My hands rested on his back and clutched the fabric. His hands travelled below my hips as he pulled me upwards and my legs wrapped around his waist. He didn't stop kissing me for one second and I didn't want him to, as he pressed his mouth harder on mine and I bit back a moan. I could feel the heat in my body and every vein seemed to electrify. He walked me up-to my bedroom like he knew which suddenly felt foreign to me as he laid me on the bed, breaking the kiss and I was breathless, panting for air.

I didn't had any resort in me to stop. I didn't want him to stop. I couldn't care more about whatever that had me concerned for a while. He watched me look at him and his lips curved in a smirk. "Should I stop?", he teased me taking a seat on the edge of the bed and I looked away from him to the right side, scoffing.

I pushed myself up, my hands at the hem of the lose white t-shirt I'd on and for a second I hesitated at the fact that he must've seen better flesh than mine but I pulled it upwards exposing myself in front of him as his eyes went everywhere. "Do you want to stop?", I asked him, as I crawled over to him. He didn't object as I sat on his lap and took his face in my hands. I looked in his eyes. He looked beautiful. I traced the outline of his skull, his jaw as I pushed his hair locks that were on his forehead behind. "Do you want to stop Namjoon?", I asked him again as he held me tight, giving me my answer.

He tugged at my neck with his mouth leaving a trail of gentle kisses down and I could feel my nipples startlingly prominent beneath the black lightweight bra I had on. I clutched his hair as he bit my neck suddenly and I gasped.

He pushed me on to him, nearer but there was barely any space for me to come close and I could feel him all over. He messily kissed me before groping my bottom and I-I cut a breath in. He would take turns and be gentler a second and rough the another. "Namjoon", I called out gasping which fueled him even more. He looked at me and smiled proudly at how he had me without doing much.

He flicked the straps of my bra shoving it down exposing my breasts and I could feel my nipples harden to the point it was painful. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me, more. The way my body responded to his touch was almost funny, how quick, how wet.

I patiently unbuttoned his shirt and stripped it off of him while he looked at me with a gaze I couldn't quite make anything of, he just looked at me while he let me work on him. My hands touched his chest and my eyes examined his torso, his skin was warm and his gaze on me gave me confidence like he wanted me back as much I wanted him.

I was forgetting my own desperation for his touch as my hand traveled behind his back, trailing down to his spine and he looked at me as he cut a sharp breath in and I felt good seeing him giving in to me. His arms surrounded mine unclasping my bra in a second and he threw it off on the floor.

I half expected him to grab me and grope my breast but he swept me in his arms as his vaguely pink mouth pressed against mine and instead of hastily grabbing me, his mouth simply rested against mine and it was worse, much more intoxicating. I, on instinct coiled my arms against his neck.

As my tongue demanded entrance and he smiled before letting me, and in a second, roles were reversed, the romantic was gone. He took control and pressed his mouth harder on me with his thumb and finger pressing my nipple and my nails dug deeper in his neck. "Joon...", I on instinct called out, as I gasped for breath but he didn't let me.

He was hard against me and I grinded next to him which seemed to please him while he left my mouth, burning with a wanting for more while my sex clenched as he took control of my body putting his arms around my back and they were free to go anywhere. I wouldn't dare stop him.

A second later, he laid me on the bed and hovered over me before taking my shorts off in a whirl and pushed my underwear off me that it didn't seem reusable. I anticipated his actions but he pushed a thumb into my bottom without no warning and I clutched the sheets, a yell escaping my mouth. My fingers curled meanwhile his other arm grabbed my breast cupping it and a second later his forefinger and middle finger slipped inside of me and my grip on the sheets tightened.

"Shh", he hissed in my ear and I hadn't realized a moan had escaped my mouth. My whole body rocked in less then a minute and I couldn't control my voice, I gasped for breath and I moaned even louder then before. "I didn't take you for a screamer ___", Namjoon seemed amused while embarrassment washed over me as I laid exposed in front of him.

"Let me go down on you", I told him and he looked taken aback as I pushed myself up.

"Do you really want to?", he asked and I shifted closer to him, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I would love to", I told him. "Do you want me to?", I asked him.

"Yeah, I mean yeah", he said when his phone rang echoing in the room and his face flushed into irritation as he looked at me and I nodded gesturing him to take it. He took it out of his pocket and answered it. With every word he spoke, his irritation grew. He hung up the phone call. "Where's the wardrobe?", he asked me and my eyes pointed behind him.

Namjoon opened my wardrobe and took out a very lose t-shirt of his choice from my stack of comfortable clothes. He held my arms and slipped the t-shirt on me, pulling me close. He stroked my face and he smiled in my face which forced me to smile as well.

"Am I suppose to expect something from you or should I forget this?", I asked him as his fingers tucked the few strands of my hair behind my ear.

"You're supposed to expect everything, don't dare forget it", he whispered in my ear, nibbling on it and I couldn't help but giggle. "I want to talk to you but I've to go now and I hate it", he smiled at me.

"Okay, go", I told him and he chuckled before letting me off him and he wore his shirt back on.

After seeing him off and taking a shower, I laid back on the couch in the living room thinking about everything that had happened. I didn't regret it, I wasn't thinking much about it anyway.

The guys I'd sex with or made out with, I disliked them because of their narcissism. I appreciated my ability to find guys that were a-grade assholes. I've always had this feeling that I am lacking in some sense with other people. I look normal, like I should but I get this insecurity when taking my clothes off.

I didn't knew what Namjoon thought about it and asking him would be weird. No one who knows me like him would think I am this insecure or anxious about this stuff but then a major part of it has to do with my aura, I guess?

________________

I took a bite of the sandwich that I held in my hand as I walked around the second set just nearby to the first one. I stood afar, taking a good look, even though the storyboard fits the sights I still need to frame out a rough sketch work in my head.

I took another bite staring at the beach and the path to it and then back to the set that we'd build up by man power. It was pretty accurate in my eyes but I wanted to hear from my assistant director.

I took the walkie talkie out from the pocket of my denim and pressed the centre button, "Jae-chan, where are you?"

In a second he reverted, "Ah sunbae I am near the gripper".

"Come to the road that leads to the beach", I said, before shoving the walkie talkie down in my pocket.

The sea met the sky at the far point of the horizon and how the world is full of these illusions which are not real we know but we still believe. After all there's beauty in things that you don't get. Vastness maybe?

Sea and sky — the two melancholic blues.

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan broke the chain of my thoughts and I glanced at him before looking at the sea. His breath was heavy, I could tell he ran here.

"You could have walked, Chan-ah", I said, smiling. He was really young and passionate about filmmaking but also a little silly. He's cute.

"Ah it's okay. Did you need something?", he asked politely and I shook my head. I liked the input of many people on the same thing, it showed the number of opinions that could centre around one thing that you make in a different context which is then perceived in another.

"Do you think this is accurate in terms of the story board?", I asked him and he seemed lost in thought.

"I would say slightly better because the storyboard is still animation and this is real so I would say better. I'm pretty sure it'll be good sunbae", he told me and I could feel a smile flush on my lips. "You are nervous, aren't you?", he asked me.

"Yeah", I wrinkled my nose, turning around to walk off. I patted Jae Chan's back and he started walking with me.

"You don't have to be, and oh, he's here", he said assuring me and I knew who he meant by he.

My mind automatically went to the day in my apartment. Namjoon had messaged me after but he got busier with his work and I am not a text-er plus I'd a lot of things to do before I left Korea. It was, I didn't knew anything and I didn't want to think about it. I hoped he'd pretend nothing happened, please. But I knew he won't.

I sighed and as I entered the main set, around the vanity and food truck, the manager and Namjoon's staff members greeted me. After that, I mean impractically I wanted earth to open and swallow me. Living is hard anyway.

I'd a flight on the weekend, I'd to pack and I'd to get new boots but I'm just dumb because I'm trying to think of other things. I need a new nail paint, do I? I looked at my nails which were painted black. Maybe grey?

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan shook me and I looked at him. He gestured me to look up front and Namjoon was right there looking like Namjoon.

"Hi", I awkwardly waved at him.

"Hi", he flashed his dimple smile at me. His dimple smile hits me.

"You can get the makeup and hair done, I've a few things to recheck", I excused myself. This is awkward. This is so awkward. I hate it.

Δ

Even though I had that awkwardness lingering around but we were nearing to the end of the shoot which went really good because everyone worked so hard. It was mostly one-takes and the lighting supported the whole setting making it so easier for us to finish.

Moreover, it was a while since I had done a music video so it felt good being back on a set like this. Namjoon looked really good with the styling and although I knew the outfits pre-shoot, he still looked better then I'd imagined him to look which enhanced the whole vibe of the music video. He owned earthly tones.

That's why casting and styling is so important. Very much. Makes a gigantic difference.

"What's wrong with you?", I didn't notice he was standing next to me with a small fan in his hands while we prepped for the last shot.

"What's wrong with me?", I asked him, as I adjusted the frame in the main camera. I didn't want this conversation especially right now, especially here.

"I mean...you knowww?", I could feel his stare while I shifted the camera, something is wrong with this.

"I don't know", I said, without looking at him. I was unintentionally making him mad and nothing else.

"I was really scared that you'd say this and see, I mean, why can't you behave normal when I mention anything about us?", he hissed near me and I looked around. Luckily there was no one in our proximity to hear this conversation.

"I-I, Namjoon", I exclaimed, vaguely pointing at the setting hoping we could do this later and I could explain that I would love us but he needs to understand that I won't even be in Korea as much as he thinks I would be and that's why it won't work out.

"I don't care", he eyed me.

"I do. I care, okay? There's no us to begin with and I know I was stupid enough to ask you what I should expect out of, what would you call it, we made out. That's that", I tried being really slow and I could feel annoyance in his sight.

"Made out! Okay, okay fine. I can't believe I deal with you. You're the one who doesn't text or call or even respond to it and that's bare minimum ___", he pondered and I internally rolled my eyes.

I was leaving on the weekend. I was always leaving. That's it. "I don't have to and I have a life Namjoon. I've been working non stop all this time. I don't expect you to understand", I said, standing up from my seat while I called for the head DOP from the walkie talkie.

"You don't want to be understood ___", Namjoon said, grabbing me from my arm and stopping me. He wasn't wrong. A few eyes snapped and I forced a smile immediately. "I like you, I like you a lot. Deal with it", he walked past me.

Deal with it.

As if.

Very abruptly, the last shot rolled in and it was over. The music video was done in a day. It was originally a two day sketch but we had to narrow it down to one day because of Namjoon's schedule and it was worrisome because it did seem impossible but things went smoothly and it was successfully over.

I told Jae Chan to wrap the filming site, though most of it was done while I was present. I picked my bag from a table to leave, kept right ahead from the vanity. Namjoon had left, I guess. I wasn't sure because after the last shot he was angry. He had his jaw clenched all that time, he barely managed to keep it out on the music video.

He was like this, his anger was pretty evident and that hadn't changed.

I like you. I like you a lot.

I couldn't wrap my head around that thought. Did he like me all this time? It sounded pretty crazy to me. I had never thought about anything with Namjoon. He was a friend I could like but I didn't, I had never expected anything out of my acquaintance with him anyway.

"You ate?", his deep voice made me look at him who stood at the steps of the vanity. He hadn't left yet.

"No", I said. He had changed into his normal clothes, the makeup was gone but he still looked great. His natural complexion was shining as the set lights fell onto his face. It made me surer how Namjoon needed someone who could be there rather then somebody who's never there.

"Come eat something", he said calmly. He looked much composed then before.

"I am not hungry", I stated just when he darted towards me. He held me by my forearm, dragging me into the vanity which was empty except for us. A few dishes were laid out on the table in front of the small couch.

"Eat and leave", he said, taking a seat on one of the chairs in front of the mirrors fidgeting with his phone while I quietly sat on the couch. I just wanted it to be over but I'd no appetite so I kept staring at the couple of Italian dishes which were pasta, carbonara I guess, rissoto and also jjangmyeong. "Just eat anything ___", he said, without bothering to look at me.

"I don't really have an appetite", I said, throwing my head back and looking at the ceiling of the vanity.

"What you've is a habit of skipping meals", he eyed me.

I looked at him. "Do you remember everything? Like literally everything?", I asked him as curiosity brimmed in my eyes.

"You don't?", he asked me back. "Well, for me, yeah I do. I did remember every thing but I should probably forget now. I didn't really asked to work with you because I wanted something but I can't say I didn't hope", he locked his phone and kept it on the space in front him. "I mean, we did had something. We did have something a few days ago. You can't exactly call me a friend and I've never seen you as one. The moment you walked in trying to fix the mess on the set since then till now I can't say I didn't hope you'd look at me the same way", he said, bringing all the memories back alive, but it was true, I never looked at him the way he'd wanted me to, hell, I couldn't believe it one bit. "It's true", he said, as if he just read my mind.

It was, it didn't made sense to me. How could he? Why would he? I uh, I think shit's wrong with me because even now I can't seem to focus on someone who confessed their feelings and that someone being Namjoon from all people.

I remember when I was one of the assistant directors under the director for one of the most low-key and low budget project. They didn't had many resources and our firm wasn't doing well either. We always had to come up with hacks, unknown locations for shooting...it was always so hard. We didn't had any respect in the industry.

It was two companies in one boat at the end of bankruptcy and we were so young and such good friends. I knew the rest of the members too but I kind of had a certain vibe with Namjoon. He could get me without having to speak.

I locked at him, his face was fixated on me and I could like him, in fact I did love him not romantically, I just did. I had a lot of love for him. He was caring for the people around him and I loved talking to him. He never once made anyone feel like he was a celebrity back then and a global celebrity now well yeah. He did deserve someone who could be here for him.

He stood up and walked towards me and my eyes followed him. He took a seat next to me and I could see he picked a bowl up but I didn't see which one because I couldn't stop looking at him. Namjoon took a significant amount and extended it to me and I looked at the noodles for a second and then at him. He just nodded and I ate it.

It was good.

"Thanks", I said, wiping the corners of my mouth with my fingers.

"Do you want me to feed you all the way or can you eat your own?", he asked me.

"I will eat", I told him and he gave me the bowl so I could eat on my own. "You ate?", I asked him and he instantly nodded.

"You're going somewhere, aren't you?", he asked me and I felt as if I've just been struck with something.

"Hmm", I said, my mouth almost filled. "And, I...I want to tell you something like adults and clear it. Namjoon you know my work and I am always not here, never. It's useless. Trust me on this, it's not like that but you know you'll need someone beside you and I can't be the one", I told him, calmly, before gulping water down.

"I know that but I'm okay with it. In fact, we would go hand in hand better because I can't take you out on exotic dates as well. This is what you get", he vaguely gestured at the vanity and I chuckled and he warmly smiled at me.

After a second, I spoke much seriously then before, "It will be hard and you know that. It'll be frustrating. You could hate me".

"If you've tired it with someone before, I am not exactly happy knowing this, but you shouldn't compare me with some random dude with a peculiar taste in leather clothing", he rolled his eyes, shifting his back comfortably.

"Hey! Don't be mean just because you see stuff on my Instagram", I scoffed and he maintained his long face.

"No really, what do you take me for? You think you won't have time for me? I won't have time for you", he went on.

"Namjoon", I dragged his name. His tendency to be sarcastic at odd moments is unmatched.

"Don't call my name like that", he stared at my eyes.

"Like what?", I asked him.

"Like you can love me", he said.

"I...you don't have to be like this", I said, keeping the empty bowl on the table.

"Give me a chance then, try it out. I would wait for you I promise", Namjoon took my hand in his and covered it with his warmth.

"Will I be able to...wait?", I looked away from him, thinking about it so hard.

"___ don't think too much. I promise, we'll be fine", he said, his hands travelling to my waist and before he could grab it. I screeched closer to him. I cupped his face and attached my lips to his, while his hands held on my body.

________________

My relationship with Namjoon was better then I imagined it. I tried my best to be there for him and he was surprisingly almost there for me but it wasn't exactly easy.

It was months and months of hardships and Namjoon was more needy then I thought him to be, he needed a lot of assurance. I don't understand the notion that he holds of everyone wanting me so he needs to be extra careful. I still don't get that his insecure ass doesn't trusts his own members, he won't let me meet them at all.

He was really different. He shifted from dominant to romantic in one second. I loved that. I kind of missed it so much.

He held my hand I could feel it by the way his skin felt against mine, he whirled me around and in a second his hand rested on my waist as he urged me to walk next to him. He was in a perfect disguise and I looked at him. I could tell he was smiling beneath his black mask.

"See, this is why I don't trust other guys! How could you let someone do this to you in the midst of the road in a foreign country?", he asked me.

"No stranger would confidently do this to anyone in a foreign country", I playfully hit him on his leg and he stopped, pretending to be gravely hurt. "I can't believe you", I looked at him as I went with his act. I supported him in standing completely. In a second, he intertwined his fingers with mine.

"I missed you", he softly whispered in my ear.

"I missed you too", I whispered back, softly. I pulled him in an empty alley and pulled his mask down. "I need you to do something", I told him, nibbling on his ear and I could feel my skin feel the heat that it yearned for since a couple of months before him going on tour.

"Right now?", he asked surprised.

"Yeah, right now", I said and I could feel him harden against my pelvis.

"You are...so, not right now. Let's go to your hotel room. I'm still famous", he pulled me closer and I chuckled. He turned me around, pulling his mask down, he kissed me hard. His mouth pressed against mine. I held him tightly and he gasped. "I love you", he softly said before pulling his mask up.

"I, you", I held his hand again.

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 30.10.20 lb

lol ishani is suchhhhhhhhh a messy bitch. not even pretending to look less than outright gleeful.

le, iska rona shuru. god sis, you knowwwwwww these bitches have it out for you, then why do you give them the satisfaction of seeing this reaction???

yeh aadmi hai ya bhagwaan? koi bhi jagaah koi bhi time marzi se prakat ho jaata hai.

THAT FUCKING STUPIDASS SCARF IS RUINING THE WHOLEEEEEE LOOOK. GOD WHY DO THEY DO THIS TO HIM?????????

TUMNE JITNE TELLYWOOD FANS KO KHOOOON KE AANSOON RULAAYE HAINNNNA SHIRALI, BHAGWAN TUMHE IN PAAPON KE LIYE KABHI NAHI MAAF KAREGA!!!!!!!!!!

also, just noticed the set and production design credits and finally have names to put on all the hate mail i wanna send.

naaaah jk, i think it's really nice that they got employment in this pandemic, even with their OBVIOUS lack of taste. so much so, that it seems to be a medical condition! 

anyway, he said he got this sargi for ishani on behalf of angre, but since she's got hers anyway, this one can be given to riddhima. noice. this fucker be worming his way into my heart with shit like this.

inka phir se popat bann gaya.

mummy biting out and giving the worst blessing of all, “sadaa suhaagan raho.” which is just an elaborate way of saying "hope you die before your husband does, because life without a man is worse than death itself!!!!!!"

“thank you mummyji. aapne ~~sachchi neeyat~~~ se sargi taiyyar kii thi toh dekhiye, mere haath khaali nahi hain!”

lmao nice. where was this riddhima allllll along?????? i've been waitinggggg for this snarky bitchhhhh who doesn't take shit!!!!!

le, aadarsh bahu mode is back on. sab ke liye koi paath ka intezaam kiya. chanchal chachi was right, she's suchhhhh a annoying suck-up to dadi, honestly.

husband is like here, no one's looking; sneak some almonds, come on. yes, i approve. this the kinda man* you want ladies. one who's willing to have a few hours taken off his lifespan so you don't get hangry.

(*T&C strictly apply: only in this feeding waala criteria wrt this dude. baaki sab toh disaster hi disaster hai iss mein.)

“kaisi baat kar rahe ho??? vrat sachchi nishtha se kii jati hai. koi nahi dekh raha par bhagwaan dekh rahe hain!”

lmao, the most appropriate response. 

wait you guys genuinely need a gif of this moment, coz it’s priceless:

i can't believe they don't let this dude move his face in this show when he is the MOST ENTERTAINING when he doessssss.

he's like dude i'll adjust with the 2 hours less in my life, but dharampatni is i won’t let you escape a minute of suffering existence in this flesh prison we’re all trapped in, so help me god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who the fuckkkkkkkkk is this????? and you know you didn't need a needle on the syringe for this whole thing, don't you???

vansh's "baaz ki nazar" toh i've long given up on, but riddhima's peripheral vision also seems to be completely shit if she didn't notice a wholeass person wrapped in all black skulking around directly in her eyeline, not 10 feet away.

lmaooooooo dadi is like tf you doing here, and the hasty retreat he beat. scaryass men soft for their sweet old grandmas is a trend i really do love in tellywood.

oh i like ishani's outfit.

blah blah blah KC gyaan idgaf.

riddhima has lit diya and instant cough attack from the smoke.

it's her. she's the one who did this. looks like she's okay with bhai dying a few days earlier than fated, as long as it means she knocks riddhima down a few pegs.

mummy rubbing it in saying dekho yeh akhand paath hai, beech mein rukna nahi chahiye, apshagun hota hai. godddddddddddddd.

I HONESTLY CANNOT WATCH HER COUGH AND CHOKE THROUGH THIS THE SHEER RIDICULOUSNESS OF THIS IS FUCKING KILLING MEEEEEEEEE

yeh lo ji, parmeshwar prakat ho gaye to save the day and read the paath himself.

all dudes in the world should be in whatever business this guy and angre are in. ki biwi mil gayi toh it manages itself while he devotes himself to her.

lmao the sheer earnestness with which he's narrating the KC paath. both wholesome and fucking hilarious. looks like those primary school kids at their first public speaking contest.

i am ishani. god, why won't this scene just endddddddd already, i'm dying of cringe.

whoooooooooooops. bhai is pointedly asking ki how riddhima's throat got messed up when she was fine like 3 min ago.

behen is giving earnesttttttt excuses and he's really "sure jan"-ing her.

dadi's all no matter what issues crop up in these two's lives, i'm sure they'll win over it with their lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrve. yeah, it looks that way rn, but i wouldn't be quite so optimistic yet, dadi.

literally no one is surprised by this revelation.

oh god, she has something more planned. man who are these ppl with so much energy in their lives WHILE PREGNANT, to do such scheming and plotting??????? just my period cramps have me taking 2 hours off work to curl up on my heat pad and cry about ouchieeeeeee.

great. ragini ko ab daure pad rahein hain.

and poor angre is saddled with getting her treatment. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THESE TROUBLESOME WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE VANSH?!?!?! EK ADIYAL BEHEN ISKE SAR PE BAANDH DI HAI WOH KAAFI NAHI THA, KI AB INVALID EX KO BHI ISKE HI HAATH MEIN THAMAA DIYA. i know you got your hands full with that disaster wife of yours, but come on man.

oh god is he gonna blow up at her again for eavesdropping!?!!?!?!?

thank the lord above, she had airpods in. (also lmao, ofc she's literally the airpods meme.)

isn't HE supposed to give HER a gift today???

i liked his other watch better. but this watch is supposedly riddhima “ke dil ki dhadkano se judi hai” so........ i'm no expert in cutting edge watch technology, so sure. sounds like something that would be available for the wives of billionaire gangster’s wives to buy.

oh man she got herself a matching one. which ofc is “tumhare dil ki dhadkano se judi hai.” lord, she CHEESY CHEESYYYYYYYYYYYY. and i'm mildly lactose intolerant, so 🤢🤢🤢

this dude is not though. he falling for this hard and fast. which is....... unexpected. nice, but also suspicious.

“yeh ghadiyaan chahe rahein naa rahein riddhima, lekin tum mere dil mein hamesha rahogi.”

that's sweet. and i'd believe and squee over it if this was any other show. i would. but in this show, literally everyone other than dadi/siya is out to fuck each other over and i don't trust a single goddamn word out their hissy snake mouths.

aaaaaaaaaaaaand ofc he's vrat-ing for her too. BECAUSE THIS IS A FEMINIST SHOW WITH THIS VERY FEMINIST HERO OK?!!!!!!?!?!!!!?!? THIS ONE EPISODE ABSOLVES ALLLLLLLLLLLL THE OTHER 98 EPISODES FILLED WITH HOT FLAMING TRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!

“apni umar badhaake kya karoonga main, agar tum saath nahi ho. main chahta hoon ki tum meri zindagi ki aakhri saans tak mere saath raho.”

again, very very sweet and all, esp. with these soft melty eyes; but it's this show. and we saw the upcoming promo. sooooooooo, kill bill sirens in my head, i'm afraid.

both mann hi mann mein deciding to tell each other the truth about their backstories after the vrat. which should work out splendidlyyyyyyy.

lo ji dream sequence shuru. voot blocked the music but colors put up the scene with bol na halke halke on instaTV so i watched it there.

yesssssssssss you messy trainwrecks. get it onnnnnnnnnn.

this is literally alllll i am watching this show for. the moment y'all bang in canon, i'm outttttttttttt. it's always the best time to quit a tellywood show. always. take this protip from wise, old TT. quit the show the episode the lead couples fuck. just trust me on this.

idk WHOSE dream sequence this is, but lmao it's got the vibes of a not-that-great wedding "promo" thing ppl have got going on these days. which one of y'all is binging these on youtube and thus has their subconscious filled with it/??? it's gotta be riddhima, but it would be absolutely fucking hilariousssssss if it was in fact, vansh.

yup. it was her dumb ass. i bet she had the exact video in mind for kabir and just cut-copy-pasted vansh's face in there from the last week onwards.

oh chachi's back from maayka for vrat kholing.

mans literally do be looking like the chand today. because they eased up on his yellow foundation, thank god.

poor ishani. god, this is why we need feminism. so our sisters don't get pushed into shit like this against their willllllllllllllllll.

dadi and siya shipping riansh to the point of making ppl uncomfortable. what next, you gonna be writing mature fanfic about them on IF????? BACK THE FUCK OFF, YOU WEIRDOS.

“humaare plans kamyaab hote toh vansh iss waqt riddhima ko zeher ki pyaali pilaa raha hota. hmph.”

lmaoooooooooooooooo mummy is an eternalllllllll mood.

this one is getting overly emotional about her first completed karwachauth vrat. eat a snickers, bitch.

dadi overpromising and saying shit like evennnnnnnnn god himself can't shake your love for each other, tumhari prem kahaani billlkulllll pooori hogi and what not. oh dadi, did YOU not see the promo?????

this one got the footage she needed and has duly handed it over to bhai. both of vansh's sisters have the trait for going straightttttt to him with their sordid discoveries, albeit for completely polar reasons.

lmaoooooo the way she peaced out.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand he's started growling about how all this KC naatak was fake and and vowing revenge and games for her dhokaaaaaaaaaa. i hate to say it but............ i told you so.

also abbe oh gobar ganesh. itna CCTV footage mila hai kahin se, toh baaki ka bhi toh dhoond, where you see how she got into the bloody dickey?!?!???! nahi, 2 out-of-context second hi dekh ke paagal saand ki taraah bekaabu ho jaana hai. shit for brains, literally everyone in this show has.

anyway, if i was vansh’s murti maker, i’d be expecting a call righhhhhht about now. riddhima yahaan rahe na rahe, uski murti zaroor rahegi, which vansh and his next paramour will demolish together as a bonding/foreplay exercise.​

[elegiesforshiva]

This is a review for the amazing sasusaku fanfic Perpetual Winter by @thefangirlslair It’s a brilliant modern AU and I highly recommend it!!!  You can read it on fanfiction.net or tumblr :)))) FF: c l i c kkkk Tumblr: Part I, Special Chapter, Part II And time for a criminally late and obscenely long review!!!

Pt I

Winter has never been his favorite season

Damn what an intro, I’m already getting angst vibes lmao.  I really like how you set the scene and stage the world of this AU.  I didn’t expect the existence of clans in this piece, with it being a modern AU, but this is such a fascinating twist on the setting to me. I loved how you described Naruto’s endurance as unnatural, “like there’s a demon living inside him” and Sasuke and his clan have inexplicable warmth….inexplicable do I dare say…fire ???? ;))))))

Lmao seriously what a great way to pay homage to canon though.  I love these attributes!

Modern au Sasuke that reads poetry and drinks coffee is a brand of pretentiousness I can get behind

Aaaaaaa omg I really REALLY REALLY fucking love this intro!  I love how you describe Sasuke as appreciating liveliness, and vibrance—which we can honestly assume is canon with how his two closest people are the embodiment of these traits.  And I love how you tie it back into the seasons.  This really gives so much life to that motif in this story, and the title. That was clever af

…he was taken back to the time where winter was just a mere season, Bon Iver was playing on their shared earphones, and Sakura was his. 

WHAT THE FUCK YOU JUST FUCKING DESTROYED ME WHAT A WAY TO SEGWAY INTO THE NEXT SCENE OOOOF IM KSJDFHLJSAKFL

There are so many things I love about this following scene…  you really know how to write a couple in casual, mutual love.  The banter and candidness of their interaction just has me floored. I also REALLY love that this is from Sasuke’s perspective, and how even though he doesn’t have an overwhelming amount of dialogue, we’re in his head, and his appreciation and love for Sakura just radiates.  Lines like these:  

From her latest discovered band to a recent discovery in medicine by a genius dude whose name he doesn’t even remember, she shares it with him. Favorite anime character, favorite memory with him, favorite pair of underwear — he knows it all because she’s that open to him about things she love.

They’re just….so good. I can hear his voice, his ardor, and his impeccable understanding of Sakura’s personality while also expressiong his own.  The choice of having the narrative skewed through his lens was def a good decision. And ugh this piece is just overwhelmingly amazing already

He doesn’t know the pain to be dealt with when you’ve broken up with someone because Sakura was his first girlfriend. And honestly, he doesn’t, couldn’t, even think about being apart from her. Just the thought of them breaking up already makes him panic a little. He always thought to himself, ‘I will never let that happen.’

Okay this paragraph……………this paragraph tho……..dropping this.  KNOWING. They’re gonna break up……….HOW DARE U

Seriously, what powerful writing.  I don’t know how you do it……

I think it’s incredibly interesting that you chose music to be the catalyst for this beautiful, climactic moment of closeness  My best friend/partner and I have had convos before about it, and she and i once talked about how we think of sex with music lol.  I don’t know how to entirely explain myself on that, or where I’m really going with this, but I get the same vibe here too.  Music that’s close to you is like an artistic intimacy and there’s something very personal and vulnerable about it.  Maybe it’s an auditory thing, like getting lost in one of those guided meditations.  (idk if you’ve ever had one that actually worked, they don’t always for me, but when they do god damn, it’s unreal)  Either way, I really loved the way this scene played out, it was highly relatable and highly emotional, and I feel serenity and ardor just reading it.  Beautifully done.

I love the way you moved back to the present and we immediately feel the differences and the similarities.  The fondness and affection is still there, if not a little more muted, and it’s so obvious they still have feelings for each other.  But there’s definitely moments that speak to their separation too, with the little differences in Sakura that Sasuke notices, or instances like her no longer drinking coffee or him deciding to open the door.

I really like how you inserted the interaction with Kakashi too.  One thing I’m quickly noticing about this fic and your writing is how you very stealthily relay information to us readers.  It’s seamless and entertaining, and I’m learning about this world and the past in ways that are so attention grabbing I don’t even notice it.

Also Itachi’s death and the way you handled it from Sasuke’s pov is so reminiscent of canon and also so gut wrenching.  The lines 

How dare Itachi leave him alone? How dare Itachi sacrifice himself and die? How dare Itachi pass his responsibilities onto his shoulders… 

especially gutted me because of how is stands in stark parallels to the Sasuke we know in canon.  This really smacked my head around with feels….poor Sasuke

OMFG POOR SASUKE !!!?!?!??!?!??!? THAT ENDING OOOLOGDSLGFSLKDGHLSDHFLKDFHVSLKV WHAT A FUCKING CURVE BALL LMAO

I mean maybe I should have seen that coming because like of course!!!  But also I’M LOSING M Y SHIT HAHAHAHAAA

I can’t wait to see how this unfolds!!!!!

Special Chapter

This is such a powerful scene to start with.  Itachi’s entire character was such a major influence in canon and seeing the way his death is affecting everyone now is so emotional.  I feel so bad for Sasuke, having to take on all the burdens Itachi had left behind for him.

Also these lines:

“Mikoto cried, “Don’t you think it’s too soon? I just buried my first-born just barely a week ago and now we’re discussing how you’re gonna ruin my youngest’s life just like you did with Itachi?!”

The way her voice cracked when she said his brother’s name broke his heart. She’s still grieving, probably forever, and here they are talking about Sasuke’s suicide.”

Literally killed me. Dead.  Deceased.  Fallen to the Void.  It’s so brilliant and powerful, and speaks so deeply on their dysfunctional family dynamics and feelings with so few lines.  Really loved this…

This next scene was so stark and sad and beautiful.  I meant to comment and pull lines again, but I couldn't stop reading tbh.  Sasuke's thoughts and emotions concerning Sakura are so vividly gentle and full of praise.  There's such a soft worship in the way you write his feelings towards her and tbh it's my absolute and only interpretation of feelings I care for concerning the depiction of their relationship.  Still, you do this with a certain cleverness and mastery.  It's really so moving for me...

The dream sequence that follows is absolutely debilitating, but so well done.  I got the sense it was a dream only a few lines in just from the bluntness of the lines.  It was truly very dream-like lol.  I really could feel the panic and guilt along all of his inner turmoil.  It's incredibly horrific to have such a dream about murder just after Itachi's too.  This was devastating.

I really loved the way Sakura calms him groom the panic/anxiety attack.  I've actually had a similar experience once, where I woke up from a nightmare and I was very frightened and stiff and couldn't really articulate myself.  I remember I had felt deep horror and self loathing and nothing else.  (I still remember the nightmare too, it was horrible.)  My best friend at the time just threw herself on the bed and held me.

It's so crazy how grounding touch can be.  I really felt that with Sasuke and Sakura too.  The comfort she offers him is so seamless to her character and so ardently palpable.  The repetition of "I got you" really touched me especially.  It breaks my heart knowing the inevitable end of their relationship to come.

Oooooohhhh daaamnnnnn

I did NOT see the raunchy sex coming lmfao!!  Although in hindsight, I probably should have.  You already told us how they tend to get down and dirty when emotions run high with the arguments and make-up sex.  I imagine this is instigated by Sasuke often, with him struggling to articulate his need for Sakura verbally so he does so physically.  And I imagine Sakura is just kinky enough to crave this sort of animal want.  

I do love how sexual interactions are easily moving in tandem with their emotions, how it just feels like another mode of communication.  Sasuke breaking down during it leaves me feeling so tender too.  It's tragic

She smiled. Sasuke doesn't know if he wants that smile or not.

These exit lines are going to fucking kill me istg

The following events honestly hurts to read because Damn haven't we all been there...  the fallout of a relationship to the point where you're just dragging it through the mud… it’s a true deterioration of soul and you capture that slow death so well.  I really feel terrible for Sakura—Sasuke too—but it sucks for her to be in the dark like this.  

I love the way you write Karin!!!  Honestly, I think it really mirrors the way she's written in canon.  She's cold and strategically loud and generally calculating and overall kind of apathetic.  She doesn't really know the value of meaningful relationships (and therefore doesn't prioritize them) until much later on in the series.  I definitely get this sense of her here too.  She's a little cold, but not cruel, and she has the pragmatic values of her and Sasuke's union in mind as she agrees to it all.  I really like how you made her personality come through here.

Meanwhile there’s him, sucking all the hard traits from their father. His competitive streak, arrogant way of speaking, harsh words — it’s all Fugaku. And suddenly, he feels so exhausted.

This line hit me so hard. I love this fic already for an endless number of reasons but a striking one is how well you interrogate the relationships between family.  When you described Itachi’s death as Sasuke losing a part of him, I really felt that. And here when you write about the way Sasuke takes after Fugaku and hates it and is also exasperated from it, just like how his father likely is, it just runs bone deep.  You really know how to speak to life experiences and relationships in consistently intimate ways.  I love that about you

This is his reality now — no more dream, no more Itachi; and pretty soon, no more Sakura.

’It hurts,’ Sasuke thought. 'It hurts, aniki.’  

Wow death by angst lmao thanks for the pain, maren, glad to know you like to torture your readers as much as our ninja babies.  Srsly tho the cadence of these lines and the material itself sync up perfectly.  It’s such powerful writing

This entire scene is stuffed to the brim with dread and turbulence, and it’s so lifelike, I feel it’s haunting.  The way you describe the suffocating atmosphere of the car ride, how Sasuke snaps at Sakura for simply knowing that something is up, the awkwardness of the dinner… You really brought so much passion into these scenes, I feel like I’m being tortured right with them lol

I looooooove the drama of this playing out omg.  The way you have this convo go down is like a punch to the gut.  Sakura announcing her acceptance to Harvard, and then her refusal to go. Sasuke knowing he’s the reason why…the guilt…the anger…

Also omfg these lines:

Sasuke hardened his resolve and stiffly said, “No. I don’t need you, Sakura.”

’Yes, I do.’

Sakura shook her head, “Yes, you do.”

I DIED.  Sakura callin’ him out on his bull shit I fucking LOST IT lmaooOOooo   I love this so much and I love how you write their dynamic!  It’s funny how this fic plays into a lot of romantic clichés but also subverts them—gives them a twist that knocks the reader right off their feet. It’s honestly incredible

I loved the way you brought in winter into this scene too.  The image of it, the feel of it, the terrible, lonely tone.  It suits the entire mood of it all.

This is going to sound super dumb but I genuinely love how much agency you give Sakura btw.  You probably know I’m a raging, batshit feminist by now and I gotta say, her dialogue is consistently powerful and reeks of someone who knows who they are, and their worth, even when in the fallout of a relationship where they are getting the short end of the stick.  Like I’m just sitting here reading “Sasuke, you dumb jackass, what are you doing” lmfaoooo LIKE GURL I WOULD TREAT U SO GOOD…. SAKU BB IM SO SORRY BUT ALSO TRUST I KNOW HOW IT BE

I really do love it.  And I love how you wrote Sakura as an orphan too.  It really flips the script on the canon material (eat shit, kishimoto!!  Women can have trauma and real backstories not centered around men, u misogynistic pile of adskjfhsklhfalkd)  I just feel she’s very well written, and tangible, and powerfully human.  I’d be just as smitten as Sasuke tbh

The last scene is so upsetting… it’s also strangely warming too though.  It’s terrible Sasuke’s been broken down like this, but there’s something about this scene where he feels raw, and expresses his pain in a very infantile way, literally crying out to his mother about how it hurts.  I really feel he’s been stripped of not just his life, but himself, under the weight of Itachi’s death and all that’s come with it, and it makes my heart ache.  I loved this chapter, in all it’s infinite sadness.

Part II

He closed his eyes and thought about his talk with his father earlier, “We’re okay now. He called me while I was with Itachi.”

Love the ease and depth of this single line of dialogue.  How Itachi is not alive but is still with him, and how it speaks to the way we humans grieve and the continuity and strength of relationships even after someone leaves.  It’s just very simple and human, and it popped out at me.

He couldn’t even remember the last time they talked on the phone, or the last time he heard Fugaku as a father, not as the Uchiha patriarch.

Uggghhhhhhh this is exactly how I felt Fugaku was like in canon too.  This fic is just full of brilliance, I really adore the way you describe all the relationships, but the complexity between Sasuke’s and Fugaku’s is really striking to me.  You nail it perfectly.

And this whole intro where Fugaku apologizes to Sasuke and tells him he is proud…. I feel as if a major levee has been broken.  While he’s in front of Itachi’s grave too.  This Sasuke really has that same parallel with the one in canonverse where I feel he is held back by his family trauma, family obligations, the weight of blood.  And this scene feels like a breaking point.  Where Sasuke can be a man instead of an Uchiha, in the same way Fugaku gives him this moment as a father instead of an Uchiha patriarch.  It certainly feels like a cleansing of sorts.

Once you thought you’re over it, one pink-haired beacon of spring will bloom in your eternal winter and blow all your progress into next week. What a woman. He will never find anyone better.

AaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA !!!! this IS what I mean!!!  His inner thoughts of her ugh….i’m so weak…Sasuke you lovesick fool…. And the return of the beautiful seasons motif.  I love this so much

 You can say they were drunk — with liquor, with each other, with love.

I just adore this line. It really emphasizes the vibe of their past relationship and the picture as a whole, and just that electric feeling of being consumed with someone.  The description and cadence of it is just really catching, and I love it

 God, this entire scene. Damn, maren.  It’s criminal how well you write the tension of such a casual conversation.  It feels as if an interrogation of sorts is occurring, and yet it’s still a heartwarming kind. Sakura is not vicious or mal-intentioned in inquiries and yet it still leaves Sasuke weak and defenseless if only because of his feelings for her.  There’s so many ways you assert it too.  It’s in every line, every detail.  This one in particular stood out to me:

Sasuke clenched his fist under the table and scoffed, “I hope my mother didn’t tell you how miserable I was.”

'Still am,’ he corrected in his mind. 'How miserable I still am.’

I remember you used this particular tactic when also describing Itachi’s feelings from Sasuke’s POV. (Something along the lines of how he does became how he did because he is gone)  In this fic where time is moving back and forward in a non-linear fashion, these details are especially striking.  Despite the changes and pushes and pull, this one fact is consistent—Sasuke loves Sakura.  And we, as readers, relearn it with every line.

Also I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOvE that Mikoto saw Sakura off, and that there is this undertone of a bond. Like ughhhhh I’ve so been there, where there’s that depth of understanding between women and relationships that men don’t always know about or know how to grapple with it.  My ex resented me for it lmfao

Adkjfasklfalsjdkfakls SASUKE CAN RELATE TO HIM APPARENTLY AHAHAHAAHHA B SNAPPEDDDD I totally get it though, it’s a little intrusive of Sakura to ask for that, but we all also know why she did.  Poor saku bb is in love with this emotionally constipated idiot lmao.  Oh I love the endless pining and miscommunication of it all !!!

“I thought you’d be here,” a voice came and knocked on the closed door of his heart. He turned his face towards it, he saw her and suddenly his doors came opening again.

The winter sun was directly behind her, giving her this eerie glow. Like a nymph; a spring nymph being born in his perpetual winter. He shivered inside.

Back at it again with that seasonal motif !!!! ugh you are killing me.  I also really loved the phrase “knocked on the closed door of his hear.”  You really have such a way with these metaphors and images, it’s so striking and makes the narrative of this piece so brilliant

and silence is a comfortable companion back then. When they became lovers, it was like their platonic third-wheel aside from Naruto.

Ngl I busted out laughing on that one.  “aside from Naruto” hahaaaa I love the way you include him in this fic tbh.  He’s not a very big focus, but he still feels like an integral part of this story, not just as Sasuke’s best friend, but also as another device to unite Sasuke and Sakura.  Also he’s pretty fantastic comic relief, probably just as much for the two of them as for the reader.

I really love the way this convo goes down, and the change of scenery from the coffee shop to the playground.  Considering the way their love at this point is founded in nostalgia (and perhaps something else, but let’s ignore that for a second) it’s so fitting for them to finally stripping away the masks and cloaks and being genuine with one another—Sakura talking about how she knew all along, and Sasuke finally admitting he still loves her.

I also loved that Karin broke off the engagement!!!!!!  And how she did it and how you described it ughghhghg I love this.  You really spoke to her character growth and development in canon too.  It’s trivial compared to everything else that’s going on, but I love it.

…the pink of her hair, the green of her irises and the gold of the sun slowly setting down behind her.

Sasuke couldn’t see her clearly anymore, only the faint glow of her weeping eyes and the halo on her head made by the sun.

You think you’re slick don’t you…you think you’re some kind of mastermind with these subtle references/images…..well guess what bitch….YOU ARE

  I looooove how you tied the music back in.  Ugh this departure!!  MY HEART!!! Also I’m seeing a handful of songs I love including OUR BOIIIII !!!! rex orange county uhhghhgjak maren this is the romance of a lifetime I AM WEAK

Ughh the forehead kiss…..that was so sweet.  I loved Sakura’s choice to give him that bit of affection.  This scene is so beautifully intimate, despite their positions.

Omg I FINISHED HOLY SHIT!!! And Sasuke doesn’t get back with her! Wow!  Honestly, as much as my shipper heart is like, violently frothing at the mouth and saying “okay they totally got back together down the line tho like THEY HAD TO THEY ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER WHAT IS TH—" I actually have such a deep appreciation for this ending.  Their relationship in this almost feels dream-like, and with the way the story unfolds, even if they still loved each other in the end (and I really don’t doubt that they do.  We don’t have Sakura’s perspective, but we also don’t need it.  the affections are clear) it doesn’t mean they will end up together or are even really suited for each other in such a way.  

Their love in this actually really reminds me of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  Have you seen that movie?  I just really get that vibe at the end.  This entire romance cuts very deep and is very passionate and leaves me feeling so whimsical.  I really loved this story, Maren…  thank you for sharing it with all of us.  thank you for writing it.  You’re really one of a kind and you and this story has my whole heart <333

Also I’m sorry this is so late, but when I said I am going to write you a review, what I meant was I am going to write you a review.  This English degree is good for nothing but sending elaborate love letters to friends and writers in the form of literary analyses and stupid overreactions and BY GOD I WILL NOT LET THIS CRIPPLING COLLEGE DEBT GO TO WASTE !!!

[attract-mode-collective]

CASE SHOTSHOT STAGE4, aka THUNDERBOX’s Summer Collection 2017

… But first: Toco Toco’s season finale (I wasn’t aware that there was one in the first place) is here, and the subject is the man responsible for perhaps my favorite video game of all time? And maybe yours as well? It’s Tetsuya Mizuguchi…

Alas, the focus is squarely on the most recent iteration of Rez (aka my fave game). Was hoping it would touch upon his earlier work, in particular, Sega Rally. Older games are oh so briefly mentioned, with the role of audio being the primary emphasis. And even though it’s not a music game… holy sh*t does Sega Rally have an AMAZING soundtrack.

BTW, I’ve got game music on my mind because… will explain later! Also, the gifs above are courtesy of Prosthetic Knowledge, cuz they make them far better than I ever could.

Anyhow, it’s been a while since the last game culture round-up, hasn’t it? So long in fact that… there’s a new THUNDERBOX lookbook to, well, take a look at. Which actually just came out, so this particular round-up ain’t that overdue…

Whereas the HuCard was the hottest fashion accessory of last spring, summer will see this rather nifty take on the Sega Saturn Lightning Brain design (also, RIP 1CC shirts)…

There’s also a really nifty shirt, a collab with INC NOXXX SCREAMING…

… plus a single Famicom cart holder/wallet…

Along with LEBLANC GIRL, either on a shirt…

… or as a pin…

Back to INC NOXXX SCREAMING, real name Yozi Shimoda, who’s been grabbing my attention more and more as of late. Was going to share his latest shirt in the next Instagram dump, but no point in waiting right?

Sticking with fashion for just a tiny bit more; it’s been over three years, but the King of Games has finally updated their YouTube channel, and they now have a trailer?

Which video game-centric footwear do you prefer? These sneakers, based upon Sonic’s (via miki800)…

… Or these sneakers, based upon the Super Nintendo, one that’s also running NBA Jam (via FreakerSNEAKS)…

As you may have heard, a new Super Famicom cart is going to be released later this year. Am talking about Kaizou Choujin Shubibinman Zero, originally released 20 years ago for the Satellaview.

Now, something that’s getting far less attention is how the same publisher, Columbus Circle, is also releasing a new Famicom game called Heiankyo Alien around that time as well (via tvgame)…

In other news, there’s a manga based upon Daigo Umehara, which you may or may not have heard about. Anyhow, UDON Entertainment has just revealed that it’s become translated and published in the West…

Here we have a nice little piece from José Salot, one that’s simply entitled: “Gamer Room”; I really want that poster that’s on the wall, of the Famicom karts…

And a somewhat similar scene, except it’s a girl playing games while in bed, and that girl also happens to be Sailor Moon (via sixteen-bit)…

Check out these photos of a strategy guide, for that Godzilla game that came on a Dreamcast VMU, which I want to say pre-dated the release of the console itself (could be wrong, but am pretty certain; via jimpluff)…

And on a related note, here are some pics from a shmup supplement that accompanied an issue of Famitsu, way back in 1990 (via videogamesdensetsu)…

On another related note; which bonkers shmup flyer do you prefer? This one for Darius (via shmups)…

… or this one for Space Bomber (via obscurevideogames)…

It’s Mario and Bowser, adorning a nuclear command bunker, taken by NPR originally, that suppermariobroth recently re-posted it (if you want to catch glimpses of some of the other oddball Mario artwork that exists alongside, then watch this video)…

And on that note, time once again to see some of the more interesting discoveries and observations that the Broth has made as of late. Including the actual note for the coin sound effect in the Mario games that Nintendo filed a trademark for only last year…

This question posed in a strategy guide back in 1987…

This “extremely rare official artwork of Mario holding up a Super Koopa” from a pog…

This image of a Thwomp on a moped from a Mario Party…

This curious depiction of Donkey Kong from an ad for the GBA port of DKC…

This photo of a goofy looking Mario with a Korean boy that looked just like me when I was his age…

This photo of a scarier looking Mario with Wil Wheaton and his younger brother; apparently it was from a tournament where the Star Trek TNG star had the highest score among all the celebrity guests…

And this fascinating bit of intel…

“In one particular piece of official art for Super Mario Odyssey, Mario’s hair is rendered in great detail. Zooming in to the part above his ear, we can see what appears to be a single gray hair. This seems to be deliberate, as analysis of the image reveals that this is not a transparency issue, but that the hair is indeed colored a lighter color than the rest. Due to the image being released in a lossless format by Nintendo, this also could not be a compression artifact.”

BTW, I completely forget where I got the following. I may have blocked it out of my memory to be honest…

Gizmodo recently ran an interesting piece about an astronomy student who strapped a Game Boy Camera to the end of a 179-year-old telescope to take pictures of the moon…

Meanwhile, The Verge recently ran a story on Shawn Wasabi, that musician with a MIDI controller that has 24 arcade buttons, whom Eric and later myself wrote about over two years ago.

Though it reminded me that I hadn’t checked his YouTube channel in a while and totally missed the following, posted on this past Valentine’s Day. So if you haven’t seen it before either…

Sticking with musicians for just a bit; here we have a guy who plays music with a Famicom on his head, playing a game with a Famicom that’s on a table…

Isn’t this Tron movie poster from Japan the raddest or what? (via gaijira)

You Mortal Kombatants get off my lawn (via horrorsoflife)…

meldowiseau asks: “from Mortal Kombat Advance’s credits; does that imply they spent a fraction of their budget on a new coffee machine?”

vice-s-assistant notes: “Oh shit’s its Robert From King of Fighters’ bank password“…

Let’s say hello to the cast of Primal Rage, shall we? (via thewaragainstgiygas)…

And let’s check out what Josh’s top 3 games are, shall we? (via xxx.hypnosis.party)

Is this image from a TED talk for real? (via smart-elec)

Whereas as I know for a fact that this isn’t some piece of Gex fan art, it’s an official image, from the cover of Gex 3 on the N64…

Please enjoy this rundown of assorted Pac-Man clone covers, courtesy of vgjunk, with perhaps my favorite one being…

It’s funny how the Game Boy was essentially the video game equivalent to the Walkman, which someone would clone and make it resemble a Game Boy (and which Nintendo would officially sanction, according to nintendroid)…

And speaking of music, by someone who goes by Motocross Saito…

Oh, so at the very top I mentioned that I had game music on my mind… game music by Treasure to be exact. And that’s because, earlier this evening, I was a guest on the Video Game Grooves podcast! Where I was asked to talk about the just released Gunstar Heroes record by Data Discs. Alas, I didn’t get a chance to touch upon the music of Guardian Heroes, but at least I have this super cool gif by kyn…

And finally, why yes someone has modded fidget spinners into Grand Theft Auto V, did you even need to ask?

Don’t forget: Attract Mode is now on Medium! There you can subscribe to keep up to date, as well as enjoy some “best of” content you might have missed the first time around, plus be spared of the technical issues that’s starting to overtake Tumblr.

[stretchjournalemerson]

Technology and Social Media as Modes of Conversation for Underrepresented Communities: An In-depth Look at the Importance of YouTube within the LGBTQ+ Community

By Kathleen Grillo -

“On September 23, 2018, ironically Bisexual Visibility Day, I sat with my suitemate on her bed while another suitemate of ours stood against the closed door. Then, I told them I was, and to clarify still am, bisexual. The rest of the night I came out to four other suitemates.”

On September 23, 2018, ironically Bisexual Visibility Day, I sat with my suitemate on her bed while another suitemate of ours stood against the closed door. Then, I told them I was, and to clarify still am, bisexual. The rest of the night I came out to four other suitemates. The previous night at midnight, I had come out to my best friend over text, too afraid to tell her over facetime. Over the course of the next few weeks, I would go on to tell those closest to me. Today, I am still telling people. People think you come out once. I thought you came out once. You tell one person and then expect the rest of the world to just know, but I, and many others, are wrong. I will continue to tell people I am bisexual for years. Maybe the rest of my life. There will always be someone else to tell. Coming out is different for everyone. For some, they really do come out once. For others such as myself, they know they will come out many times throughout their life.

I first thought I was bi when I was twelve years old, but quickly dispelled the thought when my mom told me it was normal to think girls were pretty. Little did she know I’d imagined kissing them. The thought was gone though, and I continued with life. That is, until November of junior year when my best friend came out to me. She’d known her whole life, and she had been wanting to tell me since freshman year when we met. That day on the bus ride home, and on the bus ride home for the next week, I questioned myself again. No, I thought, I am not gay. Time passed. I was straight, but I was supportive. I always had been.

Then, I went to college, a place of discovery, where you meet new people and try new things. Maybe, like me, you live in a new city. As cliche as it is to say, college really does teach you things about yourself. For me, that meant re-evaluating my sexuality. Once again, I returned to that questioning. This time, though, I got a different answer. No longer did straight feel right, but bisexual was starting to. Looking back, there were clues scattered throughout my adolescence, ones I didn’t see until questioning. In those weeks of inner reflection, when I was too afraid to talk to anyone I knew, I turned to YouTube. I listened to queer music and watched the respective music videos. I watched coming out videos, listened to people’s stories. How did they know? When did they come out? How did they come out? Am I apart of this community?

...

Dr. Sherry Turkle, a Harvard graduate, is known for her work as a psychologist and sociologist. Moreso, she is known for her discussion on the topic of social media and technology. In 1996, she wrote a book about the up and coming technology which led her to be displayed proudly on the front of Wired magazine. More recently, Turkle spoke for TED.com, a popular website containing speeches on ranging topics and featuring a wide selection of speakers. Turkle was there to speak about technology once again. This time, she was further discussing her research on the modern generation and their addiction to technology, to social media. Texts. Tweets. Notifications. She claims, “I think we're setting ourselves up for trouble -- trouble certainly in how we relate to each other, but also trouble in how we relate to ourselves and our capacity for self-reflection.” She explains that social media is changing how we think, that technology is literally changing our psyche. And Turkle is not wrong; we are ever adapting to the world around us. We learn to split our attention span, to send that text while still listening to our friends. We learn to finish an assignment while also writing notes from a professor’s lecture. Turkle is valid in her argument that, “People want to be with each other, but also elsewhere -- connected to all the different places they want to be.” We do split ourselves across many forms of communication, but Turkle’s argument falters in its ignorance of all sides of social media and technology.

Most people I know would say social media doesn’t inhibit their ability to connect with those around them. In many ways, technology and social media builds connections and enables conversation. Friends text or facetime when they are away at college. Parents call to check in. Classmates work on projects. It is a different type of conversation, but a conversation nonetheless. Even more, Turkle’s argument comes from a place of privilege. In her essay “Always-On/Always-on-You: the Tethered Self”, she says, “Tethered selves come together, but do not speak to each other”, meaning that, because we are connected, or tethered, to our devices, we cannot converse properly with those around us. This assumes that all conversations we want to be apart of are being hosted in real life. But what if that isn’t the case? What if those you identify with aren’t in your real life sphere?

One such community in which this occurs is the LGBTQ+ community. Many individuals who belong to this community, who in this essay will be referred to as queer individuals, turn to the safety and availability of social media. A large platform where this occurs is YouTube, as explicitly explored here. There are many YouTubers, those who create and post videos to YouTube, that are known for their queer content across all ranges, from coming out advice to queer music to queer education. All such YouTubers are real and non-scripted as they are in TV or movies. Because of this need for belonging within the LGBTQ+ community it is clear that “The quick spread of the videos is testament to how many people search for coming out advice, unable to access it through their immediate environment or most media outlets” (Bateman). This quote comes from Jessica Bateman, a writer for Broadly, a subsection of Vice that focuses on unrepresented individuals. In the article, Bateman focuses specifically on the importance of coming out videos, one of the most popular kinds of queer videos on YouTube. Not only do these videos answer questions that many queer individuals are too afraid or unable to ask, but they also provide validation in the form of the video’s creator and in the continued conversation found in the comments section of such videos.

One such Youtuber, whose coming out video has reached over 8.3 million since it was posted on August 7, 2013, is Troye Sivan. His video is one of the most well known in the LGBTQ+ community. Sivan is one of the original “gay YouTubers,” who was openly gay and made videos discussing such topics. In this video, Troye begins by saying, “This is the most nervous I’ve probably ever been in my entire life, but I’m going to deal with it because I have something to tell you guys.” Even Sivan, who had a strong level of support on his channel, was nervous. This point can be extremely validating to individuals who haven’t come out or are trying, and struggling, to do so. This is one example of many as to how these videos can be paramount in the LGBTQ+ community. They provide support and as Bateman says, “Coming out to your parents is never easy, but more and more LGBTQ young people are sharing their experiences on YouTube to ‘show our identities are valid.’" Since his coming out video, Sivan has proved to be influential, continuing his YouTube channel years after the video’s debut. Recently, Sivan is more known for becoming a queer icon as a musical artist.

As mentioned, an important component of these videos is the comments sections. On Sivan’s video, there is a mix of old comments posted when the video was first released and he was little more than a YouTuber, and new comments, posted now with the knowledge of Sivan as an artist and role model. These comments show the personal influence and conversation created outside of the YouTuber that many queer individuals will spend hours scrolling through to find the many other people they identify with. Such comments include, “I am a 60 year old gay man. This was the video I watched the first time I saw you about a year ago. I think you are great. I can't wait to see the movie "Boy Erased". I think your music is beautiful. I have listened to a lot of it. I think you are an inspiration to a lot of people. You may not realize it, but people like you even help older people like me” (Randy D). These videos do not just appeal to a younger generation, but also to anyone who wishes to find validation or education.

They also become a place for people to share their own stories. Most importantly for some, they are safe, anonymous places to do such. This is a crucial component of the online conversation being composed, especially considering the high amounts of mental health problems and suicide among LGBTQ+ individuals. According to the Trevor Project, a national organization that aims to help LGBTQ+ youth through crisis and suicide scenarios, “LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth” and “...40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt.” Another comment by user Kristine Jauregui, says,“Im bisexual...but until now im inside the closet waiting for someone to open it. Im scared to come out because I knew already that they're not going to accept me. And lately my mom told me that i need to find my prince but in my mind my prince is a princess.” (Jauregui). The responding comments are full of love and encouragement. The anonymity of social media, although isolating at times, can open people up to talk about things they can’t in real life, or when similar identifying individuals aren’t available in their real life.

Outside of the initial need for coming out and finding validation, is the want for education. Whether a part of the LGBTQ+ community or not, YouTube has become a place for education. Specific queers can find tutorials on packing and binding, practices taken up by many trans individuals, as well as learn the difference between some sexualities and genders and learn more about queer sexual health. One person who has done such is Ash Hardell, a non-binary, trans-masculine, bisexual YouTuber. Not only do they make regular YouTube videos, but they are also the writer of a book called The ABC's of LGBT+. Although, to clarify, the book is published under the name Ashley Mardell, the name they used before getting married and before changing their first name to a more nonbinary one. Hardell explains that the purpose of the book is “to be a detailed guide of many LGBTQIA+ identities and terms with an emphasis on those that are mis- and underrepresented.” The book uses multiple sources, from images to video links to interviews, to explain and educate the many different areas of this community. Hardell perfectly explains why their book is important by saying, “in an attempt to combat erasure and increase general LGBTQIA+ knowledge, this book hopes to offer visibility and a voice to identities that are usually lost and forgotten.”

It is important to Hardell, both in their videos and their book, that proper education is offered to all within this community. Their YouTube channel heavily reflects the ideas presented in the book. They have countless videos targeted for gender education, trans education, and sexuality understanding. There are also many videos that display collaborations with other YouTubers that produce LGBTQ+ content. This opens the conversation to more than just one voice. With something as unique as sexuality and gender, it is extremely helpful for this community to know all of its resources, or at least as many as it can. Outside of queer identifying individuals, these channels that provide education are extremely important for cishets, a term used to mean a cisgendered, heterosexual individual. There are many topics and ideas that become difficult for one to understand unless they themselves have experienced it. YouTubers such as Hardell begin to help “outsiders” understand. Without YouTube and social media, it becomes increasingly more difficult for education to spread. The LGBTQ+ community is just one of many that use these sites to spread their message and gain understanding in such a diverse world.

We all know that it is easier to share or like a tweet or Facebook post, to watch a five minute YouTube video than to read a book or find someone willing to discuss such private matters. When these things are absent, people turn to social media and technology. Yes, as Turkle claims, “Connection is more like a symptom than a cure. It expresses, but it doesn't solve, an underlying problem.” That problem being the fear of loneliness. She argues that we connect when we are alone, but Turkle assumes that the same conversations are being hosted in person as well as online. While this is arguably valid, there are times in which we need to be alone without connecting, there are also times when we need to connect so that we can be alone without feeling lonely. In the LGBTQ+ community, it is very easy to feel lonely, especially if a queer individual has no similar identifying individuals near them. In that absence, social media and YouTube has become a place of validity, representation, and education. People receive answers to questions they are too afraid to ask, see themselves in the stories of others, and find courage in the bravery of role models. Coming out, something that is ongoing for many LGBTQ+ individuals, can be extremely isolating, but YouTubers and the very real people commenting on these videos are a safe haven for many queer youths, and adults. Yes, the kid on their phone while at dinner may be scrolling through Instagram or texting their friends who they’ll see tomorrow anyway, but they might also be scrolling through the comments of their favorite music video by Hayley Kiyoko as they debate telling their parents about their sexuality or their gender or both right then and there. Despite Turkle making a very reasonable claim, she ignores the communities where real-life exchange is not available. And in those circumstances, simple online connection can mean more than any person to person conversation.

Acknowledgements

I’d like to thank Mary Kovaleski for really pushing us to reach for a conversation we wanted be a part of, no matter how difficult it seemed. I would also like to thank my peers Matthew Pifko who provided useful research and Audrey Iocca who gave me extensive critique. I’d like to thank all the YouTubers who have given the LGBTQ+ community a place to express themselves and have dedicated themselves to improving the community. This work also wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my family and friends who’ve given me love and encouragement. Lastly, I’d like to thank myself for having the bravery to share a story I’ve never told.

Works Cited

Bateman, Jessica. “How YouTube Videos Changed the Way Young People Come Out.” Broadly,

VICE, 3 Apr. 2017,  broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/8x4gkp/how-youtube-videos-changed-the-way-young-people-come-out

“Facts About Suicide – The Trevor Project.” The Trevor Project,

www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/.

HeyThere005. “Ash Hardell.” YouTube, YouTube, www.youtube.com/user/HeyThere005.

Jauregui, Kristine. “Coming Out.” Comments section, YouTube, Apr. 2019, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvzWNwJ41_k .

Mardell, Ashley. The ABC's of LGBT+. Mango Media Inc., 2016.

Person. “Power. Life. Culture. Lore.” Broadly, VICE, broadly.vice.com/en_us.

D, Randy. “Coming Out.” Comments Section, YouTube, 7 Aug. 2013,

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoL-MnXvK80.

“Saving Young LGBTQ Lives.” The Trevor Project, www.thetrevorproject.org/.

Sherry Turkle, ‘Always-on/Always-on-you:The Tethered Self.” In Handbook of Communication

Studies, James E. Katz (ed.). Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 2018.

Sivan, Troye. “Coming Out.” YouTube, YouTube, 7 Aug. 2013,

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoL-MnXvK80.

Turkle, Sherry. “Transcript of ‘Connected, but Alone?".” TED,

www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together/transcript?language=en#t-294147

. 

[cresselia8themoon]

Top 10 Phineas and Ferb Songs- Season 2

Season 1

This was tough. I limited myself to one song per episode because I would probably include literally every song from Rollercoaster: The Musical if I could. 

10. Song: Our Movie’s Better than Yours

Episode: Nerds of a Feather

Fandom wars. We all know the famous ones. Star Trek vs Star Wars, Any Sci-Fi vs Fantasy, Pokemon vs Digimon, and DC vs Marvel. I think I’d be on the Stumbleberry Finkbat side for this one. Anyone else?

You know it’s a big deal when Wade’s out of his bedroom in a wizard costume. Shit’s gonna happen folks. 

I love how this is such an epic march, with the trumpet sounds of war and the drums, and then they start “pew pew pewing” with flashlights and throwing D&D dice at each other. And Ducky Momo is the ultimate obstacle they must face in the line of duty. Don’t let his adorable quacks fool you!

9. Song: Me, Myself, and I

Episode: Split Personality

It’s easy to think Candace only has two modes: the crazy, frustrated “gotta bust my brothers” Candace and the lovey-dovey has her “entire life planned out and around Jeremy” Candace. The sum of these parts equals Candace Gertrude Flynn. 

Busting Candace is never happy. Her only self fulfillment is busting her brothers. We’ve seen this manifest in other episodes, where Candace often ditches her peers because she’s distracted by her brothers. When Phineas and Ferb take a lazy day, all her plans revolve around catching her brothers in the act only to remember that she can’t catch them if they won’t do anything. When the full realization hits, she asks, “Who is Candace?” 

Romantic Candace can’t imagine life without her boyfriend. This is where the creepy obsession with Jeremy comes into play. This Candace is just another Judy Jetson, no character whatsoever except for a fixation on hot guys. Her one track mind cannot focus on anything that is not Jeremy-related, and her family and Stacy are forgotten. 

8. Song: Atlantis

Episode: Same as song

If Atlantica needed a national anthem, this would be it. Personally I think this song is underrated, which is a shame because I really enjoy the melody. 

It’s a bouncy, lighthearted tune that perfectly fits the discovery of an underwater city lost for millennia. Oh, and it happens to be off the coast of the city Phineas and Ferb live in. I don’t get it. First, shouldn’t Atlantis be in the Mediterranean somewhere? Did merpeople tow the entire palace to America or something? Second, how are Phineas and the gang the first ones to discover it? I would think a submarine or underwater camera would find it already. 

7. Song: Watchin’ and Waitin’

Episode: Don’t Even Blink

You know how you’ve just finished a really long test and waiting for everyone else to finish? And you can’t read or doodle, just sit there those very long, boring, agonizing minutes? And you just stare at the clock which just ticks at snail’s speed? I swear I hear this song’s “tick tick tock tock” sound in my head if I have to wait for long periods of time. 

I love how they just go “We’re bored. Let’s pull all these instruments from nowhere and have a musical number.” 

6. Song: Happy Evil Love Song

Episode: Chez Platypus

We all love it when Heinz is happy. We want him to succeed. We know he’s not a waste of space. And look? He’s in love! They even have matching tattoos! He blew up the moon into a heart for her! So cute!

They have harmonizing evil laughs and voices! And best of all, being evil is always more fun when you do it with someone you love! As Heinz says, “I’ve never been so happy, in my entire life!” And then we all know what happens next. She gets hit with an inator and rejects him.

They kiss and become official boyfriend and girlfriend and do all sorts of crazy evil schemes together. She’s surprisingly okay with him completely failing to not take over the Tri-State Area as long as she gets to be evil with him. She’s even cool with Perry, Vanessa, and Norm! Towards the end of the summer, Heinz talks to her about becoming a good guy and she’s willing to turn over a new leaf as well. He also proposes to her and they get married and live happily ever after. 

5. Song: Rollercoaster

Episode: Rollercoaster: The Musical!

I’m terrified of rollercoasters. Unlike Melissa, I’ve never actually had one drop from the sky onto my science project though. If the events of the musical are exactly like the first day of summer, then wouldn’t a rollercoaster have dropped from the sky again and landed in the same position as before? 

I can’t help but love how everyone is screaming while Phineas and Ferb defy mind-numbing terror by jamming out on electric guitars while standing on the hood of the rollercoaster. They seem to have safety attachments specifically tailored for impromptu songs. 

4. Song: Kick My Way Into Her Heart

Episode: Thaddeus and Thor

I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen a cartoon parody their own songs. Poor Heinz, trying his best at something he fails at in order to earn approval and love from his neglectful mother. To make matters worse, it’s ambiguous how much Roger knew of his parents’ treatment of Heinz. What did Roger do so that his mother loved him that Heinz never did? Maybe he never realized how much it affected Heinz into his adult years. I still hate that pompous jerk. 

It’s interesting to note that Heinz only wants to find a way into his mother’s heart. What about his father? He never showed up at the kickball game. Heinz probably realized his father was a lost cause and had to live with the idea that he would never love him. 

Oh, and there’s Love Handel again too. How much did Heinz pay for this gig anyway? 

Poor kid. I just wanna hug him so bad. He’s so adorable in bow ties.

3. Song: Gimme a Grade

Episode: The Baljeatles

Word must spread through Danville like wildfire if Heinz has apparently heard of the Baljeatles even before they finish their debut song. Come on Baljeet! Sing your heart out to those establishment freaks! It’s nice to someone who’s unafraid to not comply with conformity. 

Even if Baljeet doesn’t like a free-floating curriculum, he can’t deny that he learned something! The heartbeat from the Bum-bum-inator is the perfect beat for the song! Ferb really rocks that Union Jack look too. 

2. Thank You Santa

Episode: Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation!

This episode is going to be a classic one day. Personally my favorite animated Christmas movie is The Polar Express, so it’s always rewarding for me to hear a similar fanfare to Believe when Danville turns all the lights back on.

Monogram was right about Heinz giving Perry that vase. I feel bad for Perry. Nobody should ever witness snowman carnage on Christmas. Poor platypus must still have nightmares. 

I can’t be the only one who finds Irving’s reaction to getting Phineas and Ferb’s outfits creepy though. 

Let’s be honest. We’ve all tried flipping upside down to see if the clubhouse looks like anything inappropriate. It doesn’t. 

1. Song: Not so Bad a Dad

Episode: Finding Mary McGuffin

One of my favorite aspects of this show is how it develops Heinz and Vanessa’s relationship. When we meet Vanessa, she’s dismissive and only acts as the B-plot’s Candace, except more edgy. In Seasons 2 and 3, she comes around and starts to appreciate what Heinz tries to do for her. By Season 4, she’s mature enough to give her dad a much-needed pep talk about giving up evil and has decided where she wants to go in her life. 

Heinz is a great dad, despite his upbringing. All the examples in this song are of him doing something that embarrasses Vanessa, rather than being neglectful or abusive. I suppose stepping on the other team’s feet is a little evil though. But he means well, which Vanessa realizes in retrospect. 

It’s understandable for even the most loving dads to screw up. Here Heinz has no reliable parenting examples to turn to, but he does his best even if he only has custody every other weekend. 

[themurphyzone]

Spend the Day with Someone You Love Ch 4

My friends are insane. In one Skype chat we went from discussing Storm in the Room to posting Invader Zim memes with “You lie!” in big letters. At least they’re just as excited for the new Tangled series as I am! 

Ch 4 - Love is a Song that Never Ends (Whether this is Sweet or Annoying is Entirely Subjective)

“I am very disappointed in you both,” Balthazar paced back and forth in front of Vinnie and Arohbeohte. Vinnie feigned interest, popping a piece of dark chocolate in his mouth. Arohbeohte watched an old lady feed squirrels, snapping back to attention when Balthazar cleared his throat. “Arohbeohte, you made it more difficult to cover our tracks. Sometimes property damage is an inevitable factor in certain operations, but you almost destroyed an innocent family’s house. If they are not holding pistachios hostage, then we leave them alone. We cannot risk discovery. Is that understood?”  

Arohbeohte nodded. 

“Vinnie, you neglected to inform Arohbeohte about why her behavior is unacceptable. This is going to reflect badly on us when we report to headquarters,” Balthazar said. 

“You mean if you report it,” Vinnie suggested. “If makes it so you have a choice in the matter, but when is definite.”

Balthazar’s anger drained for a moment. “You may be onto something. Maybe I can just fabricate a report and blame her behavior on faulty engineering.”

“Or you don’t put effort in at all,” Vinnie said. “They shove all the reports they receive into the garbage bin. Never bothered reading them.” 

Balthazar’s mouth dropped open, arms flailing as he struggled to find the correct words to express his outrage. All the time I’ve spent writing extremely detailed accounts for future protectors to peruse, wasted, he thought. He shook his head. He could lament later. There were more pressing issues in the present.

“I’m getting off topic,” Balthazar said. “As much as I want to let out all my steam and you and Arohbeohte, it can wait until after we secure the pistachios at the mall. Now, the mall will be busy since it’s a weekend, so getting around will be difficult, especially with a giant robot in tow.”

“It’s also Valentine’s Day! Which means half-price chocolate sundaes!” Vinnie exclaimed, giving a high-five to Arohbeohte. 

“Valentine’s Day?” Balthazar looked at his watch. Feb 14, 21st century. Your horoscope today: The planet Venus burns in the 3rd house. Just kiss already, idiot. You don’t need this astronomy junk for love., it read. “That blasted holiday?”

“I just like it for the candy,” Vinnie shrugged. “Making a day all about love is pretty awesome though. What do you think, Arohbeohte?”

Arohbeohte thought for a moment, then began to flatten the grass with her feet. She stomped out a crude circle, bending down to carve a smiley face in the center. Then she drew a giant rectangle with the letter ‘P’ on it. Straightening to her full height, she created a torso with two spiky protrusions on the sides. Finally, Arohbeohte added two circles on the bottom, then pointed to the drawing.

“Is that you? Looks good for abstract,” Vinnie commented. Arohbeohte shook her head, though no letters came loose thankfully.

“I’ve seen 2 year olds draw better on nursery walls,” Balthazar grumbled. 

Vinnie elbowed him. “Come on, Balthy, be nice.”

“How many times have I told you to never call me that?” Balthazar glared. 

Vinnie shrugged. “I dunno, once, maybe twice. I forget. So Arohbeohte, who is this? A parent, sibling, friend, or none of the above?”

Arohbeohte drew a heart and a question mark next to the robot, then shrugged. 

“So, you’re in love with another robot but can’t figure out to say it?” Vinnie asked. Arohbeohte nodded, then hid her head in her massive hands. “Well, just say it! Wait, you can’t talk. That complicates stuff if there’s a lack of communication.” 

“As interesting as a robot’s romantic woes are, we need to-where did you get that phone book from?” Balthazar stared at Vinnie, who was quickly flipping through the pages with interest. 

“Well, it’s hard to explain it to Arohbeohte with just words,” Vinnie said. “What’s the phone number for the Danville chapter of the Backup Singers Union?” 

“Why don’t you just get the Swamp City branch? They’ll be here much faster. And cheaper too,” Balthazar suggested. 

“Quality over quantity. Oh, here it is,” Vinnie said, pulling out his cell phone and dialing a number. “Hello, Backup SIngers Union? Oh, they’re busy today? Never mind then. Thank you.” Vinnie hung up. “They’re booked solid. Something about all the singers doing a gig for some pharmacist. They say he pays well.” 

“That’s a shame. A musical number would have been good exercise,” Balthazar said. 

“I have another idea. Arohbeohte, can you do this?” Vinnie made a heart with his hands, and Arohbeohte tried copying him. She could only form them into a circle. Arohbeohte carefully picked Vinnie up so he was sitting comfortably on one massive palm. “Now, I want you to put your thumbs together and point them down,” he said, scrambling for her wrist when the surface began to tilt. “Like this,” he awkwardly managed to make a triangular shape while he was gripping the metal tightly. “Good! Now curl the rest of your fingers and put them together!” he grinned, finishing the heart shape. Arohbeohte copied him, raising her hands to her eye and peeking through it. 

“That’s perfect! Now just form the heart the next time you see your crush! I’m sure they’ll understand! Balthazar, catch me!” Vinnie offered a thumbs-up, then suddenly jumped off her wrist. 

Balthazar dove forward in his attempt to catch Vinnie, tripping over a rock and hitting the ground face-first. He yelped as he felt something incredibly heavy crush his spine. Moaning in pain, he turned around to glare at Vinnie, tapping his fingers on the ground in annoyance. Vinnie laughed sheepishly. “Thanks for being the throw pillow.”

“Don’t mention it,” Balthazar stood up, dusting himself off. “We’ve wasted enough time. Let’s just get to-” he caught sight of two teenagers wandering around, appearing to search for something. The boy pointed to them, and Balthazar’s brain went into panic mode. “Our position’s compromised! Abort mission!” he fled, realizing that Vinnie and Arohbeohte were running in opposite directions. 

At least the teens lost interest in them. Balthazar was glad the boy in the sweatervest hadn’t followed them. He and Vinnie tended to lose their pistachio stands for some reason when they did business with that guy. 

He was able to track Arohbeohte down easily, her massive size making it hard to blend in the city. He sat on her shoulder, holding on to a protrusion that extended from her neck. “Let’s find Vinnie,” he told her. “Locate the nearest street vendor.” 

Arohbeohte’s eyes glowed green, scanning the city. Then she took off towards a side street, finding Vinnie paying for his food at a bratwurst stand. “Man, bratwurst street vendors need more appreciation,” Vinnie said, stepping onto Arohbeohte’s hand. Balthazar rolled his eyes. He would never understand these constant detours for food. 

“Let’s just get to the mall,” Balthazar said.

When they arrived, Arohbeohte reduced the size of her limbs and torso so that she was human-sized. The pistachio stand folded into a compartment on her head. Balthazar wished he’d known that earlier. It would’ve saved so much grief. 

“Mama! Mama, what is that thing?” a young girl shrieked, pointing at Arohbeohte. She hugged her pink stuffed poodle tightly in case Arohbeohte would snatch it out of her arms. 

Balthazar held Arohbeohte’s arm, silently warning her to not make any sudden movements. 

“Chloe, don’t point. That’s rude. Now apologize,” the mother chided. She shot Balthazar and Vinnie an apologetic look. “Sorry about my daughter. She can be a handful sometimes.” 

“It’s cool. Don’t worry about it too much,” Vinnie shrugged. “Chloe, right?” 

“Sorry,” Chloe lowered her head, studying the ground. “I didn’t want to sound mean.” 

Vinnie smiled. “Do you want to meet Arohbeohte? She likes people.” 

“Um, sure?” Chloe slowly approached Arohbeohte. “Hi?” 

Balthazar pulled Vinnie aside. “Is allowing that child to be so close to Arohbeohte really a good idea?” he whispered, glancing over his shoulder. Chloe was just teaching Arohbeohte patty cake for now. 

“She’s fine. The more social interaction Arohbeohte gets, the better,” Vinnie said. “Are you worried about what headquarters might say?” 

“What?” Balthazar yelled, wincing at his own outburst. Luckily, Chloe and her mother hadn’t noticed. He lowered his voice so that Vinnie could barely hear his response. “I just don’t want people calling her a ‘thing’,” he said, blushing. 

“So you do have a heart after all!” Vinnie smirked. “I never would’ve guessed!”

“Sh-shut up! As her mentor, it is our job to make sure that she learns to control herself so she doesn’t harm anyone, including herself,” he said, nodding to reassure himself.

“Uh-huh,” Vinnie raised an eyebrow, but said nothing else. They walked over to Chloe’s mother, watching the two play together. 

“Thanks for letting Chloe play with your-um, companion,” she trailed off. “We should really be going now.”

“Bye, miss!” Chloe waved and skipped over to her mother. They entered a department store, leaving behind Arohbeohte and the pistachio protectors. 

“Well, that’s sorted out,” Balthazar pulled out a clipboard, jotting down a few details of his plan. “It occurred to me that we can’t exactly steal the grand prize when the mall is so crowded. We’ll have to enter that contest and do our best to win. And for that we need disguises.” 

“Can I choose the disguises this time?” Vinnie asked.

“Sure. Let me make sure we have the correct currency for this time period,” Balthazar said, flipping through his wallet. He needed to make sure they didn’t pay for necessities with ancient Lydian coins again. He pulled out a crisp hundred dollar bill, handing it to Vinnie. “I’m just going to rest here. You and Arohbeohte go pick out clothing. The contest begins at 2 pm.” 

“Will do!” Vinnie said. “Come on, Arohbeohte!” 

Balthazar opened his notebook, dating the top of the page. “Finally. Now I can write a few haikus in peace,” he muttered. 

Thirty minutes later, Balthazar was staring incredulously at the yellow tropical shirt and shorts Vinnie had picked out for him. “Not my style,” he fingered the collar, grimacing. 

“You never specified,” Vinnie shrugged. He had already changed into a black T-shirt and jeans. 

“Fine. I’ll wear it, but I won’t like it,” Balthazar grumbled. “Young lady, is that any way to dress in public?” he scolded Arohbeohte, who was wearing a red tank top and a white miniskirt. 

“She’s a robot,” Vinnie pointed out. 

“Still,” Balthazar grumbled, walking into a restroom to change. 

It took a lot of persuasion and blackmail for Vinnie to coax Balthazar out of the stall. Balthazar reluctantly came out, wondering if he could an anonymous letter to whatever corporation that created gaudy tropical shirts asking them to recall their monstrosities. They headed towards the center of the mall. 

Vinnie smiled at the sight of all the couples in the mall, pointing out a pair who were gazing dreamily into each other’s eyes while sharing a chocolate sundae. “See, Arohbeohte? If you’re successful telling your crush how you feel, then you might be able to act like that too!” 

“Vinnie, don’t encourage Arohbeohte to be completely brain dead,” Balthazar warned. Arohbeohte tilted her head in confusion. 

The contest sign-up was extremely busy. Most of the participants consisted of teenagers dressed in elaborate costumes, with a few adults sprinkled in. Balthazar waited impatiently, stuck behind someone in a cartoony duck outfit that quacked with every step. 

Finally, they were called by a bored-looking attendant. “Names,” he said. 

Balthazar realized they needed cover names. Any of these people could be rival time travelers seeking the same prize. “Arthur. That fine-looking gentleman in jeans is Frank. And the young lady’s name is Rebecca.” 

“Arthur, Frank, and Rebecca,” the attendant repeated, leaning on his elbow as he wrote. “And your group name?”

“Blast! We needed a group name?,” Balthazar cursed his lack of foresight. 

“I’m putting you down as Blastweneededagroupname,” the attendant said, writing it on the entry slip. “Your entry number is 6. Good luck and all that. Next!” He handed the slip to Balthazar. 

“So, what kind of contest is it anyway?” Vinnie asked. Balthazar gave him an odd look. “Dude, don’t tell me you entered this contest without even knowing what we’re supposed to do. If it’s a beauty contest, I want out.” 

Arohbeohte pointed to a flyer. “Let’s see,” Balthazar said, scanning it. He froze. “Re-enact a love scene from any famous movie, TV show, or Broadway play?” he said, indignantly. “Can’t they just hold a raffle like normal people?” 

 “’Participants will be judged for acting and presentation by a panel of three judges. Please be aware that children are watching, so keep everything G-rated. Phantom of the Opera-based performances are banned due to last year’s incident that consisted of a bully, a diaper, and a chandelier. Thank you!’” Vinnie read. “After this blows over, you wanna travel to last year’s contest and see this incident?” 

“I’m having second thoughts,” Balthazar muttered. “We won’t win anything in presentation points.”

“So we need to come up with something that involves all three of us, right?” Vinnie asked. “Here’s my plan.”

Ch 4 is finally done! Hope y’all enjoyed!

[mattgrips]

In Search Of

The Good life. Is it an ideal? I don’t know, I don’t think so. Maybe the universally accepted Good life is an ideal. I have my own reservations on what the Good life is. It doesn’t sound so Good to some. I feel the same way about some other people’s ideas of the Good life. Well, whatever the truth is, the Good life, living Well, etc. is a fixed goal in the human psyche despite its inconclusiveness. No one is waking up with the intention of living badly. It’s like a rule that you’re stuck with. Boom you’re on Earth, now live well. Wait, how?

Purpose -> it’s funny because the idea possesses both necessity and elusiveness. These aren’t opposite things per se, but they certainly aren’t complementary to each other. They’re definitely two qualities best presented with a ‘but’ between them. The implication is not that the qualities are contrasting, but one makes it difficult to further define the other. I need this thing, so I will mobilize myself to attain it... but I can’t define it. Conversely, I can’t conceive this thing in my mind, so this thing must be nonsensical and not worth pursuing...but it is necessary for my life (coherent perception of reality) to carry on.

When the narrowing powers of societal, cultural, and familial identity prove no use in defining or necessitating your life’s purpose, the next line of defense from absolute madness is found in the realm of self-help.

Taking from a variety of human endeavors, from academic (mostly the social sciences) to religious (mostly Buddhist (i guess it’s the most malleable)) to simply anecdotal, authors from all walks of life attempt to formalize their own views and experiences into a book or dvd collection to contribute to our collective definition of the Good life, while also making a quick buck. I’m not going to take the cynical route in this post. I genuinely believe people produce and promote self-help materials not to push some sort of ideological agenda, but to test it against competing theories for the greater good of society, like in an idealist-enlightenment era-free market-democratic-academia sort of way. 

I’ve read self-help books, and consumed a lot of self-help media in my days. Contrary to the reasonable fears that some people have, self-help books don’t create ideological zombies out of people and turn consumers into fanatic endorsers of a certain idea. Humans, like me (yes), are not as stupid as people would like to glibly assume. We may certainly become rather obsessed with what we see or hear from some person of perceived authority, but only for a short time, in which we more so test out the ideas we’ve been exposed to in real life, rather than carry out those ideas without question. 

Unless agents are actively imposing themselves into the lives of readers, which is not possible with a book (...under most circumstances), most readers will revel in fascination at the new ideas presented to them, maybe promote or endorse these ideas to their apprehensive and worried friends and family, but eventually discard these ideas within a few months unless they have manifested themselves in useful ways that are only apparent through deep reflection. I often become enthused after reading a person’s biography and quickly take to emulating the qualities embodied in the bio. Within a few weeks, I would have definitely changed, but not in a simplistic way. After evaluating whatever I learnt on the merits of its ability to contribute to the author’s life, I’d soon go into experimentation mode, where I’d start to live out my lessons. I’d then reflect on what I learnt, now on the merits of its ability to contribute to my life. After some unscheduled time (my life is not contrived in the slightest) I will spontaneously discard the qualities that I deemed useless, problematic or even boring. If I’m more aware, I’d probably recognize the qualities that I found helpful, and then proceed to look further into this quality in my future.

This is the funny part about self-help. As far as I’m concerned, you can pick and choose what you want to take out of it. You can take the parts that you deem useful and discard or even do the opposite of the parts you deem useless. You can’t do that with the sciences. As far as the physical sciences go, I cannot accept classical physics, and deny evolutionary biology. I chose this example for a reason. The two sciences are separate enough that you may have caught yourself asking wait maybe I can have one without the other. The reason I say you can’t is because when you reduce both these sciences, they are rooted in the same formalism of scientific thought. Ideas on purpose or meaning, however, are usually not. Ideas touted in self-help media are often fragmented and are discussed in ambiguous contexts that may not pertain to the consumer’s life. The realm of study is so complex that a starting point is hard to find, but the need for a person to formalize a worldview (not just any, but one that brings about meaning and interest for the individual) induces people to share thoughts and ideas, no matter how unrefined they may be. 

But just because someone’s idea is unrefined, it doesn’t make it unethical for them to share it in book format. The rules are different, at least in this field. I say this because even though I use the word unrefined, I don’t mean to say that people’s ideas can be further refined by the individuals themselves. As soon as a person has put in enough thought to write a book on their experience, they have exhausted as much useful effort as they can into developing the idea in the context of their own life. Developing the idea further would require the particular advice to be tested out in multiple lives, to which differences and similarities may manifest themselves. With effective awareness, reflection, and discourse, more useful ideas will be refined further, combined with other ideas, and flipped entirely to the point where the idea won’t even be recognized as a point in a self-help book, but maybe a culturally ingrained value.

I think this is a very useful mechanism in society for evolving with the times. Ideas on living a Good life are carried out somewhat autocratically by the previously mentioned narrowing powers of society, culture, and family. While eliminating the con of elusiveness, the purpose of life becomes empty, contrived, and incoherent with the individuals own experience, no matter how rooted to their society or family they are. The future will always bring some deviation from the past into the next generation. Besides their own minds, where else can people get ideas on living a good life from? There are some gems of wisdom in more archaic forms of knowledge, but maybe they wouldn’t be grasped well enough unless illustrated in the relatable ways a contemporary’s anecdote or biography can show. But then again, I don’t want to just listen to someone who said something in a heated moment, or an inconsequential tweet from people with no demonstrably envious qualities. That reduces my scope of relevant discovery to a very limited number of materials.

I’m not saying that these are the only materials one needs to develop as an individual, or that this is the only mechanism needed for society to plan for all of the future’s contingencies. There are certain externalities that are only captured within the realm of self-help. Deep, individualistic needs that aren’t convincing enough in more general realms, and aren’t effective enough in more narrow realms. This realm of self-help, is a great way to bring out unrefined ideas into the public that also need the intimate experimentation and reflection of other individuals in order to be further developed. 

I got way off track in this post. I was originally going to center this post around two self-help books I recently read: 12 Rules for Life by the edgy Jordan B. Peterson and Grit by academic Angela Duckworth. In short, I came out of reading these two books with a great appreciation for what both books taught me but also a confusion as to how the useful concepts of both books were related, and even how they contradicted in subtle ways. For example, 12 Rules is adamant on focusing on a very micro approach to life that eventually grows greater in scope corresponding to the increases in discipline and competence of the individual. This is illustrated in the lessons of ‘cleaning your room’ and ‘negotiating with yourself’ and many other forms of baseline life skills that plant the seeds for future success. On the other hand, Grit takes a more macro view of the world and outlines a method of specifically developing greater goals and then interconnecting them with other goals of reducing value and urgency.

Both ideas, after careful reading, were deemed heavily applicable in my life, and I am constantly bouncing these ideas off in my routine. During this experimentation phase, I’m having trouble not understanding the value of these lessons, but achieving some sort of coherence within these ideas. One has me viewing life in simple blocks while the other is encouraging me to develop a purpose through deliberate thought. Both can be achieved, but how can one complement the other? I just KNOW that cleaning my room and developing discipline will in turn help me define my interests, goals, and dreams, but how specifically can I understand the when and how of these jumping points remains a mystery to me. 

Overall this incoherence does not bother me too much. This is such a free-form kind of thought that is reminiscent of the mindset I get into when writing music. It is a kind of driving force that doesn’t need absolute or even strong assurance in order to move forward. This sort of thought process can cause debilitation and anxiety for sure, to which I always come back to a statement this one artist on that one netflix show about artists said that one time I was watching netflix. -> I actually don’t remember what she said but I remember she said the words ‘state of play’ in the context of art, and it really resonated with me. That’ll probably be the topic of my next post. But anyways, that’s how I think one should approach the area of purpose and meaning in their life so as to not grow weary or frustrated in the process of philosophizing. Be in a state->of->play, take in other people’s experiences and evaluate them against how the other person is to you (not by what anybody ‘says’, words are so cheap and deceptive), think about how these experiences pertain to your life, experiment, and just have fun.

Life is fun ain’t it

[pravasiga]

July 18, 2017 - Dépaysement: (n.) The feeling that comes from not being in one’s home country, being a foreigner. Wandering, abroad, and far away from home. Origin: French

I remind myself to look up as often as I can, so I don’t miss out on the feeling of standing under a sky I’ve always seen, while my feet are rooted in earth that I had never yet walked. I constantly remind myself that in just a few weeks’ time, every moment I have had in India will become past, will become part of my history, will become part of the stories I have cloaked my body in. It feels traitorous to be homesick when I realize how fleeting these 8 weeks are, cocooned away from the rest of the world, fully aware of how difficult it will be to return. And yet, I am. It’s taken me two weeks to come up with another blog post because it’s much harder to write about home when traveling abroad. There’s a certain guilt, a certain discomfort that you aren’t dedicating your entire self to the incredible experience in front of you. But in many ways, I have been making a home or sorts here among the trees and farmland. Sometime in the last few weeks, my body settled in with the food, my rhythms became calibrated to the quiet hum of the Indian countryside, and even my cravings for chicken have subsided. Though not by much because that KFC burger I had last week damn near made me cry real, ugly tears in the middle of a mall food court.

The truth is I could write about all the happy, huge, significant moments, and turn every interaction over until I find a silver lining and big writeable moment with a moral lesson, but there’s something that feels just as right about settling in the same way I would when I come home. Being vulnerable and letting India seep into my bones was a slow process that I wasn’t even aware had begun. The first month in India felt like a constant barrage on the senses – new places to see, new people to meet, new lessons. The second month feels like a quiet retreat back in a familiar shell in a strange, new world, leaving me unsure of where home begins and ends.

************************************************************************** What makes a place a home?

I thought long and hard about this question as I fiddled with the rice and sambar on my metal meal tray. It’s more than just the people, it’s definitely more than just the location, and it’s certainly more than what could be described concisely. Months ago, I had struggled with the mere feeling of rice and sauce and vegetables under my fingers in class. Eating rice with my hands when I had spent so much of my life learning to eat it with chopsticks felt like alien and almost heretical. I had to sit on my left hand to prevent myself from using it to grab food or tear parts of the bread. Now, I absent mindedly rip perfectly sized portions of chapatti with a quick flex and roll of my fingers while I drink water that six weeks ago, would rumble my stomach ominously. I flickered back to my first interview for this program, where I was asked earnestly about my ability to eat spicy food. I had worried about that the most during pre-departure and even during the first dinner I ever had here, where I managed to bite down on something that erupted hot flames down my throat. The pure agony of it, combined with jet lag and fatigue almost managed to turn my stomach inside out. Luckily, I did not.

I roll another ball of rice, beets, onion, and sambar.

My fingers, no matter how much I wash and scrub, always carry a faint smell of food. It reminds me of how I used to unlock the front door and smell the sweet, crisp aroma of my mother’s botanical garden of home-grown, freshly picked vegetables on the table, or the long, dark, strips of pork that my father used to dry out in the laundry room downstairs. The smell of the marinated meat filled every crevice in the house. When the pork went up, it meant that dinner for the next few days were going to be excellent. It also meant that doing the laundry would require some concentration as to not knock all the meat over.

I always thought that I would miss American food here – that’s typical right? I talk about craving cheeseburgers and fries and onion rings and everything that’ll give me a heart attack one day. Even at Cornell, I don’t even know what cuisine of food I typically eat. Most days I’m in ‘eat this fast before you have to run to finish whatever the hell you left until the last minute’ mode. But the cravings that hit the hardest are always the kind of food that no restaurant on this planet could ever serve. Home tastes like fan chei cao dan, with a recipe that only my dad makes correctly, but changes every time the tomatoes are bubbling sweetly in the pot, fluffy scrambled eggs waiting to be added. Home is how he holds out the spoon for me to taste and knows just what to add, digging through the cupboards to put in a pinch, a dash, a splash. I’ve tried recreating this dish on my own, even with my dad on the phone telling me word for word what to do. It never comes out right. Home tastes like my mother’s soup, boiled from the bones of the meal we had last night, where we were all ordered to neatly strip the meat (but not all of it!) from the bones of chickens and ducks. I hear hipsters were calling it bone broth now. It doesn’t matter that what’s a new trend has nourished me through twenty winters and so many nights around the same dining table that has followed us from coast to coast. I can trace the scent, the taste, and the warm path it traces down my esophagus. Home is white rice, where every member of the family prefers the texture slightly differently. When I decide to be a contributing member of the household, I pour a little less water, to avoid making a mushy mess. I swear my brother always adds more than he needs to. My mom just wants rice on the table. My dad wants it to still be hot when he comes home.

White rice here clumps together more than the grains that come out of our rice cooker. I love it in its own way.

But when the kitchen staff comes out with hot, fresh puri from the stove, my tongue etches brand new memories into my mind of what home feels like too. I flash to memories of watching puri inflate on the stove at Saumya’s house and noting how much I loved those doughy little balloons of joy. I flash to memories on the streets of flushing as my grandfather hands me a straight from the fryer you tiao, still crackling with oil. I flash back to the plate in front of me where I reach for another puri. I reach for another experience of familiarity.

The cook recently has been adding dill to several of the dishes – from the potatoes to the lentils to the vegetables. My taste buds remember an echo of the dill plants in my house that stand where other mothers have put flowers. My mom bakes and roasts her potatoes with dill and rosemary. I fight with my brother to pick out the best chunks from the oven tray.

But some memories here stand on their own. Like how I sunk my teeth into a slice of deep, rich golden-orange toned mango and knew that I had ruined the experience of eating mangoes anywhere else in the world. I will remember Kenchanahalli for many things, both big and little, and among them – the fact that I learned to like bananas again in this little parcel of land. The tiny little fruits, about a third of the size of the bananas I was used to eating, were pure and sweet, soft without being mushy. I have to admit that I’ve had better apples though. That still belongs to upstate New York.

Food is a memory that fills you in two ways, both the physical sense and spiritual. It carries stories of home, it carries stories of discovery, it carries echoes of love.

But other things carry hints of home – like staying up late and staring at the ceiling, playing Sound of Pulling Heaven down by Blue October in my iPod as I think about nothing in particular. Lazing around in the golden hour of the day as sunlight filters in through the screened windows. The same motions of getting out of bed at home, getting down a small stepladder at school, and here, ducking out of a mosquito net that has been pretty inefficient at keeping bugs out – they become familiar parts of the fabric of living here. Knowing which part of the bed to not apply extra pressure on because the metal buckles and will snap back with a great hollow thud. Remembering to lift the bathroom door latch up slightly so it won’t scrape against the ground. Getting into the habit of checking whether or not the toilet paper roll is empty or not in new places. Being kept up at night by the screeches of monkeys. Or birds. Or bird monkeys. I’m still not sure and I don’t know if I want to ever find out. Even sprinting up the stairs by the room I’m staying in at night to avoid the possibility to confronting a monkey face to face has become part of life here.

As are the monsoon rains that crash down spontaneously and leave as quickly as they come. Or the feeling of mud and gritty rocks and dust and sand in my sandals at the end of the day. The feeling of the soft green soap that we scrub our meal trays with. The desperate mewing of Kenchanahalli’s resident cat and two kittens (Whiskers and two kittens we can’t differentiate so both are now Furgie). The game of how we can best feed the dogs without attracting attention. The game of how to pet said animals without attracting attention. The same stingy little blue fucker that keeps flying into the office at choice times, disrupting us from our work all the time. Draining cups of hot tea and milk every day, feeling the warm, kashaya slip into our stomachs. Getting into the routine of switching into the charging spots, like a day-long game of musical chairs around the same table. Memorizing where passing oxen and cows have taken a dump on the sidewalk so we can avoid them on our walks in the dark. Gazing up at a pitch black sky, alight with a pinpricks of light, far more clear than any starry night I’ve ever seen. All these details have been worn into my skin, my hands, my memory, and I fear the day that I take these for granted. Life moves fast outside of this bubble, and I am aware of how quickly all of these tiny realities get swept away in the storm. Here, it is quiet and I have time with my thoughts and my hopes and my dreams. I’ve had time to question myself over and over again, wondering about what my future will be. But as it turns out, at the end of the day, I have come to accept Kenchanahalli as home. Just like the day I stopped referring to my Cornell dorm as ‘my Cornell dorm’ and simply just as home, I have simply begun to refer to returning to this little room in this little health center in this little corner of the world as another place where I have not only rested my weary head after a long day, but have allowed it to take residence in some nook and cranny in my heart.

Home turns this big, blue world, into a manageable microcosm of memories. And though I miss home, I know that forever, wherever I roam, a part of me will always yearn to return home here, too.

Matte Siguva, Winnie

PS oh dear god we only have a week left

PPS OH DEAR GOD WE ONLY HAVE A WEEK LEFT

PPPS The first snake has appeared on campus and I still don’t know how to feel about this. But also frogs so many frogs are here and they are cute.

PPPPS Shoutout to the wifi for crapping out on us for this entire weekend because while frustrating, I have never gotten so much nap time in my entire life.

PPPPPS How can we only have a week left???