#while i’m still of the opinion his speakers also are a manifestation of himself with the buddhist concepts of wisdom and compassion

[akkivee]

this artistic rendition of kiyohime makes me happy lmao

[samwrights]

I’m sorry but ukai with a breeding kink😳yes PLEASE

I swear I saw another ask that asked for Ukai with an impreg kink

*ahem* anyways—WOW this one was a doozy but holy shit did I have fun writing it. 11k words you guys. 11. K. It is a lot so grab some cocoa or coffee and a blanket because this is a read. It even has to be split into two parts because I hit the fucking text limit, BUT this also means there is no actual smut in this portion. You can find that here.

If you guys need some ear candy, I recommend the following:

Day N Nite (Crooker’s Remix) by Kid Cudi

Pursuit of Happiness (Extended version with Steve Aoki) by Kid Cudi

Breaking Me by Topic

C’Mon by Ke$ha

Flannel by The Cardboard Swords (it has to be sad somewhere)

Magic in the Hamptons by Social House

Fun fact: Ke$ha was actually the primary inspiration for this fic and for DJ!Ukai. God bless her.

Warnings: language, nicotine and alcohol consumption, implied drug use, implied emotionally abusive relationship, breeding/impreg kink, dirty talk, rough sex, risky sex, road head, slight dub-con, praise, multiple smut scenes, 3rd person POV reader-insert—because the word ‘you’ just didn’t seem to fit.

Without further ado, please enjoy the filthy depths of my brain followed by a relatively happy ending that I’ve titled, “Between the Lines’” :-)

“You’ve been more tired lately, and you’re showing up right when practice starts. Is everything okay?” Was the question that Takeda had asked Ukai Keishin that haunted him for years to come. Sure, he had wanted to gain more independence from his parents, wanted to start being more adult-like and take over the mortgage and the bills so his parents could finally rest. At the age of twenty-six, it seemed like a good idea at the time. With four years passing, however, Keishin was so damn tired, but it wasn’t like he could just stop working.

He was still tending to crops every morning, tending to the shop, coaching for Karasuno, but in the four years time, he had adopted one more job on the weekends—Ukai Keishin was a local nightclub DJ. He’d discovered the job opportunity one fateful night that he was out with his friends from the neighborhood association. To this day, he was still unsure of why he was approached with the job, especially considering he didn’t know the first thing about being a DJ, but the woman who had offered him the position had taught him everything he needed to know.

It turned out that he had a natural affinity for the position, seeing as he was still at it years later under the alias Spira. Ukai kept telling himself that he would quit the gig eventually because there was no way he could continue working four jobs—it was inhuman and the money didn’t even really matter to him. Okay, that last one is a lie; his DJ gig has been a substantial contributor to his savings funds to the point where he was even able to afford a newer, larger, (and slightly) used SUV in full compared to his tiny, old yellow beater. Even his mortgage bills were starting to look less daunting with the current cash flow.

Who needs sleep anyway? Ukai survived and thrived off of nicotine and caffeine anyway. Besides, sleep was the last thing on his mind whenever he set foot into the club. It was impossible to think of anything other than the writhing bodies of sweaty, young adults that were already drunk or high or were practically fucking each other with their clothes on. Perhaps that was part of the reason Keishin felt the need to quit this job—he was envious. Envious of the fact that he never got to indulge in his youth like these kids did; he started working and helping his family out right away after college. Sure, he went out here and there, but these twenty-something-year-olds were living their best life, while he was thirty and catering to their whims.

To say he was a bit bitter would be an understatement.

Bitterness aside, however, it did him good to see the youth enjoying exactly that—their youth. They got to do as they pleased between exams and becoming functioning members of society and, while he was jealous, Ukai was proud to be able to contribute to their pleasure.

He’d arrived to the club early, as he often did, to try to grab a drink before he was due for stage time. Ukai was thankful the bartenders knew him enough that he didn’t have to verbally order considering the music was too loud to hear him in the first place. A rum and coke manifests itself in a small, plastic cup that the blonde raises in thanks before weaving and bobbing around the various partygoers. For the most part, he’s successful in dodging the flailing bodies as he mutely notes the very upbeat remix of some female pop artist playing.

But only remotely successful as Keishin attempts to salvage his drink from spilling as he raises it over his head as one of the partygoers is pushed into him. “Hey, careful!” He snaps toward the younger, [hair color]ed woman. She only looks half-offended by the scolding, but otherwise unperturbed. If anything, the dominating expression on her face was confusion.

“Coach Ukai?” He’s surprised to hear both his given name and his title, let alone coming from a club patron, as they all knew him as Spira. Recognition slips his mind entirely—he’s never met this girl in any way that he can remember. Certainly, he would never forget crossing paths with this beauty, even if she was dressed in a similarly juvenile fashion to the other ravers. Tight crop top tee cinched together by a knot at the midriff, with army green high-waisted shorts attempting to cover the bare skin, face painted with makeup, glitter, and sweat; even underneath the garb, she brought forth no recollection. “Uh, d-do you remember me?” It’s a challenge to hear over the music, but she presses forward close enough that her lips are right in Keishin’s ear.

“Can’t say that I do,” he yells right back into hers.

“Karasuno class of twenty-twelve, I was Sugawara’s girlfriend.” Oh.

Oh.

Now he remembered, vaguely, but he doesn’t ever remember her looking like this. The last four years had been incredibly kind to her, in more ways than one. Back in her Karasuno days, [name] had always looked pleasant, for lack of better term. But there was always a lifeless, matted, dull glaze to her eyes that screamed she was searching for something more. While it was still somewhat present, there was a substantial joyous air around her. It looked good on her. However, as much as Ukai wanted to stay and admire, he had to go get set up for the evening. Or rather, that was the excuse he used when he said he would catch her after the show. “[name], did you know who that was?” The woman in question gives a nod, confused at the sudden star struck gawks that her friends held.

“Uh, yeah? My ex-boyfriend’s volleyball coach?”

“No dude, that was the DJ, Spira.”

“What?”

Being the closing act meant a lot of different things to Ukai Keishin. On the negative spectrum, it meant he was going to have to tend to crops as soon as he finished cleaning up his set. That also meant he wasn’t going to get to go to bed until nearly eight in the morning after his shift at the farm. Yet, for him, the positives greatly outweighed the negatives. For Keishin, watching the audience lose themselves in euphoria, albeit probably a drug-induced one, just hit different for him. It was a sense of satisfaction that only came from a select few activities, with coaching volleyball being the other major contributor. There was just something about the way the crowd was overwhelmed and screaming the second underground remixes of old Kid Cudi tracks with his own twists overtook the speakers that granted Keishin a sense of enlightenment.

For him, being a DJ allowed an audience to flow and vibe with the journey of his life and all its constant up and down motions while under the guise of anonymity. As Spira, Ukai opened up the complexity and conflicting feelings of his inner mind and brought it to fruition through his mixes. He felt that in his soul, he’d done his art of storytelling justice. The audience felt it. Hell, his mom at home probably felt it. Perhaps it was one of the main reasons this dingy, hole-in-the-wall club kept asking him to come back every weekend.

His mind wanders further as he clutches an electronic cigarette in his hand, mixing beats on the turntable while taking hits of nicotine in between. He wonders if the girl he had ran into just a few minutes prior had been frequenting here as often as he had. Then, thinking back to what little information she supplied earlier, Ukai’s mind drifts off to the former third-year setter from when he first started coaching. Sugawara was a nice boy with a firm, almost parental, hand that walked dangerously along the lines of being a partner and being a control freak. When it came to his relationship, things had to go his way. And while his girlfriend that came to every tournament was much more outspoken yet easy going, she was opinionated and didn’t shy from confrontation.

Now that the coach had given it more thought, it was a wonder that one tolerated the other at any point in time. If anything, Ukai imagines the two of them would typically be at each other’s throats. From the few times he had interacted with her, she was always more free spirited and couldn’t be weighed down by any one else’s opinion, but seeing her now was different—she was in her element in the dingy, dark club with the glitter on her cheekbones refracting light off of her face. There was laughter and true, unabashed joy on her face. She had a light of her own—like she was ray of sunshine in the center of a storm.

Three hours past midnight when the club closed was always Keishin’s sign to leave, regardless of the countless attempts to attend the after party he’d been invited to. He had to go to work, after all. Sure, a part of him had always been a little green with envy at all the DJs that got to hook up with club patrons after, but after being at this gig for a few years, he figured that the right girl for him would eventually come to him if he continued working on himself. After all, he didn’t want to just have a string of one night stands with a bunch of fresh adults that could barely function after the small drop of Malibu rum—he was too old for that.

“Uh, coach?” [name] felt strange calling him that, but she didn’t feel familiar enough with him to address him otherwise. He was halfway in his car, the blonde ready to leave for the weekend to go back to his regular day-to-day work. “You coming to the after party?” [name] asks when Keishin only looks at her in question, cigarette hanging betwixt his dry lips.

“No, I actually have to go to work right now.”

“Oh,” she doesn’t mean to express her disappointment, but it slips anyway, “guess I’ll catch you later then?”

“Uh, yeah.” A tight lipped hybrid of a pained grin and grimace crosses her wet, gloss covered lips. Without another word, Ukai closes his car door, a little more brusquely than he intended to, before backing out and leaving the young woman to her own devices. His mind wanders once again with him humming absentmindedly to the soft acoustic punk playing over the car radio. His eyes are focused on the passing greenery, the cars that are weaving and bobbing off the freeway—hell he even noticed the way the tendrils of the sun are just barely starting to peak over the horizon because it reminded him of her. A thought he banishes immediately because he feels creepy for even thinking that.

Yet no matter how much scenery flitted through his honey eyes, his mind keeps traveling back to one thing, or rather one person, only.

Goddammit.

On Monday’s practice, Ukai Keishin’s mind is flooding and drowning in memories of his first year as the volleyball club’s coach. It was as if his mind was coercing him to attempt to reach out to the girl that plagued his mind for the last forty-eight hours or so. Though, he had no way of contacting her. Instead, with every step along the wooden floors, he can remember the way she would walk Suga to practice, almost physically seeing her standing in the doorway to kiss the third-year setter goodbye. As if he could see her sitting underneath the third window from the left, quietly doing homework and exchanging small talk and airy laughter with Kiyoko and Daichi. As if he could see the same sunny smile she gave in the audience from Saturday night at the club between the lines of the woodwork in the floorboards.

It was a repeating pattern day in and day out that was beginning to make Ukai question his sanity.

“Hey, man,” his assistant coach and fellow Karasuno alumni, Tsukishima Akiteru, places a hand on his shoulder and looks at him in worry. “Are you okay? You’ve been out of it all week.” In what world did a week translate into three days, the older blonde coach didn’t know.

“I’m fine, just tired,” Keishin all but bites back. He didn’t want to admit his conscious had been running rampant with thoughts of a girl he’d briefly met at a club. It felt almost as disturbing and perverted as it sounded in his mind.

“The team’s worried about you. Why don’t you take an early weekend and get some rest? We’ll see you back on Monday, yeah?” Normally, Ukai would have vehemently refused. However, his circumstances were far from normal and he was gracious for an assistant coach he trusted wholeheartedly to do the work that needed to be done. And so, Ukai heeded Akiteru’s advice and went home before practice even began on Thursday afternoon.

It was slightly disorienting for him to go home and nap, but he was incredibly thankful for the gift. Waking up just before he was technically supposed to start his shift at the shop, Keishin jumps into a cold shower to bring him to life before heading downstairs. A bellowing yawn passes his lips through his teeth as he starts his evening. Maybe his team was right—he really did need a break. Thankfully, he knew that the second the doors to the Sakanoshita were locked, he was done for the evening and wouldn’t need to reawaken until three the following morning. Just a few more hours until then, he thought.

With it being a slower evening as well, Ukai was able to kick his feet up on the counter as he always did, pull open the newspaper from earlier in the morning and casually flip through. Briefly, he considers giving up one of his four jobs because this was something he missed doing. But consideration aside, he was far too in love with the cash flow and the thought of paying off his mortgage to entertain the thought for long. Maybe one day, he would finally sell the Sakanoshita store or quit helping on the farm—

“You still work here?” Huh. Her voice sounds different when it isn’t drowning under the speakers of a nightclub.

“I do own this place, you know.” Ukai snarks at the woman who’d been consuming his brain for the last week. She looks different without glitter reflecting off of her unreal cheekbones or the heavy layers of foundation and eyeshadow. Even more than before, Keishin definitely recognized [name] now. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“Shopping,” she snorts as if it were the most obvious thing, “why else would I be at a store?”

“Dunno, maybe you’re just here to see me.” Ukai responds without skipping a beat, turning the page of the paper to play into his guise that he wasn’t the slightest bit surprised at [name]’s presence.

“Uh...actually...” her voice is quiet, prompting the coach to quirk a brow and fold up the paper he was now pretending to read. It wasn’t like he could focus on anything right now outside of the woman standing before him, spearated only by a thin counter. Without talking again, his brown eyes lock with hers, silently goading for her to continue speaking. “I-I just...I don’t know. It was just really weird to see you at the club and then to find out that you’re Spira on top of that. I haven’t seen anyone from Karasuno since I graduated and—“

“Woah, kid, breathe.” Ukai interrupts her before she can continue spewing word vomit at a hundred miles an hour. “So what if I’m Spira? Though, you better not tell anyone that. My stage name is a secret between us, alright?” For a moment she’s quiet, gears turning in her head. The secrecy didn’t make sense to her because, if anything, he should be proud of the fact that he’s rather well known in the underground electronica scene. Or at least, she was in his stead, because [name] would have been proud of Ukai regardless of whatever occupation he held.

She supposed it came with the territory of having an unrequited crush on the coach years ago, that continued well beyond high school and even university, back when she was still dating Sugawara Koushi. It was the reason she had even bothered to come sit in on his practices and partially the reason she would come to his tournaments and matches. Not that she didn’t want to be supportive of her then-boyfriend—it would have been a fight had she not—but seeing the hot older coach was definitely a bonus in her book. “But why?” She offers, not wanting conversation to end despite her not having actually bought anything.

“If the school ever caught wind of me doing that, I could lose my position as the coach. Some shit about Karasuno’s image or whatever.” [name] gives a small nod, fidgeting subconsciously, as an attempt to shake her nerves and anxiety, by sifting through various candy bars that were in front of her before grabbing her favorite. Without a second thought, she peels the wrapper before placing the candy between her lips, the puffy pink skin greatly contrasting the chocolate coating. “Ya gonna pay for that, kid?” Ukai irks, his honey brown eyes steeling over in irritation. The nickname she’s given hits the final nail on the coffin and seals away [name]’s trepidation. Instead, her own sass comes out to join the fun.

“Nah,” she hums playfully, the chocolate-covered wafer cookie crunching between her teeth. “Quit calling me kid, coach. I’m a lady,” the irony isn’t lost on either of them as she speaks with her mouth full.

“Still a kid, kid. And quit calling me coach, I’m not your damn coach.” The familiar, grumpy attitude of his brings [name] back to the Ukai she knew back in high school. In a mix of nostalgia, warmth washes over her as the haughty tone in his voice sent shivers down her spine like it did a few years back.

“Sure thing, coach,” she teases again before tossing the wrapper of the stolen candy bar into the nearest bin. “You’re at the club tomorrow, right?” The question adds a bit of context and confirmation to Ukai—it seems she knew when Spira was performing, meaning she must have been a patron for a decent amount of time. Part of him wonders how she never realized who he was before, another part wonders how he’s never noticed her considering she could make all traffic stop if she stood in the middle of a freeway. At least, that’s what looking at her did to his heart.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe this time, you’ll join us at the after party.” Without another word, [name] pushes herself away from the counter she’d been leaning on while talking to the blonde man. With Akiteru giving him the weekend off, he actually entertained the thought of attending this time. Even if her invitation was rather blasé and indirect, he didn’t see the opportunity of him attending one presenting itself any time soon. He may be old, by his own standard, but there was a unknown allure to the thought of showing up to a wild party with a woman that was so adamant of his attendance.

Or rather, adamant in his mind. Whether she actually wanted his company remained to be seen, but the curiosity was gnawing at him, and was something he would have to unearth sooner rather than later.

Having an entire night, or a day’s worth, of rest was a rather disorienting, yet pleasant feeling for Ukai. After tending to crops and returning home in the early hours of the morning, the blonde coach was able to catch a solid nine hours of sleep before his shift at the Sakanoshita store with another chance to nap before he needed to head to the club. Despite knowing he had the ability to do so before another restless night, his mind felt the need to keep him awake and alert. Even after showering and styling his blonde tresses into their usual mane—mundane acts that usually came to him automatically—he was hyper aware of the slightest unruly flyaways.

Ukai Keishin was nervous.

He didn’t know what to wear or if there was a dress code or if anything he typically wore would be deemed worthy of an after party. A part of him wanted to leave it alone and let him sport his usual white track pants and tight, maroon muscle tank, but that part of him immediately drowns in the ocean of his anxiety. Another string in his brain prompted him to dress up just a little bit to help him look the part—it had nothing to do with impressing a certain club patron, no—he tried to convince himself. A miserable attempt, but still one nonetheless.

Eventually, he settled on crisp, dark-washed jeans that hugged his muscular legs without being suffocating, paired with a vibrant, crimson muscle tee that hugged his biceps all the same. Ukai still felt a little out of place in the attire, as he often had back when he first assumed the alias Spira, but headed out the door of his apartment before his conscious could dispute it.

He was early again, even more so than normal. Desperate for a drink to calm his nerves and replace his blood with liquid courage, Ukai worms his way around to the bar, signaling the attendant for his usual. Rum and coke in hand, the DJ stands off to the side, hiding like a wallflower, while he studied the sweaty, dancing bodies. Did he know why he was looking for her—no. Maybe partially to tell her she owed him for the candy bar, maybe to tell her he was joining in on the after party this time around.

Maybe to just see her.

Keishin banishes the last thought with a shake of his head before skulking off to the attached patio to smoke. Pulling a cigarette from his pack and a lighter from his pocket, the flame torches the end of the filter at the same time the blonde inhales. Forcefully pushing the smoke out past his lips, Ukai takes a hearty sip of his drink until it’s nearly gone. He was going to need something stronger tonight.

“Is it that time already?” The older man’s head snaps to the voice that had been haunting him subconsciously.

Part of him wishes he didn’t look.

As if to play into her question, [name] checks the large, rose gold watch on her right wrist—an incredibly stark contrast to her outfit for the evening. Maybe it was a hunch when Ukai felt that he had been underdressed, as if his intuition knew that she was going to be dressed to the nines in a black skater dress. Even with a modest neckline, the lace cut out detailing on the sides of the dress accentuated her curves impeccably, playing well with the volume of the skirt, while the open back she was sporting dipped dangerously low.

It took everything in Ukai to not throw every milliliter of restraint and inhibition out the window and fuck her right then and there.

Taking a lengthy drag of his cigarette to hold himself back, Keishin inhales deeply, the smoke billowing past his lips emerging densely and grey in color. “I’m a little early—needed an extra drink today.” The man manages to choke out, downing whatever is left in his little plastic cup for added emphasis.

“Need another?” [name] chirps politely; almost too politely as if to deliberately dispute the salacious thoughts flooding the coaches mind.

“I can get—“

“I owe you anyway,” she reminds him, alluding to the candy bar she had eaten without paying for from the previous night. “Pick your poison.”

“Double rum and coke.” He concedes. [name]’s lips twitch upward slightly at the corner before she plucks the empty cup from Ukai’s hand. He doesn’t miss the way the shellac on her nails grazes against his skin, leaving the whispers of contact to run warm. Immediately, the blonde man uses the nearly dead cigarette between his teeth to light a fresh one—heaven or hell knows he needed the nicotine right now.

Given the silence, Keishin takes the opportunity to absorb his surroundings. From the general direction that [name] initially came from, she wasn’t around any of her friends or really anyone that he knew. That was good at least; there wasn’t anybody else that knew of his presence. [name] returns, two clear plastic cups in her hands and surrenders the darker of the two to the man awaiting. “Hold mine for a sec?” Without thinking, Keishin holds his cigarette between his left index and middle fingers, his drink in the same hand, while taking hers. To his surprise, she pulls out her own pack of menthols and a torch lighter, setting the leaves ablaze before taking her obvious vodka cranberry back.

“You took up smoking?” The older of the two asks in surprise, noting the way her lipstick leaves the slightest bit of residue along the brown filter. [name] gives a shrug.

“Surprised you didn’t notice it sooner, coach. I’ve been smoking since second year.” Ukai gives a roll of his eyes at the use of this strange pet name he’s been dubbed by her. But he thinks about it, thinks about how Suga must have felt probably knowing that she did. Thinks how it just added to this strange, sassy yet happy, wild and free exterior she now had. And [name] notices instantly the very same look Ukai had in his face when he was trying to strategize, trying to figure out a way to navigate a conversation with his team about becoming better—she knows what’s coming next. “Yeah, yeah, I know I should quit or whatever. Suga lost that argument a long time ago.”

“Can’t really tell you what to do when I’m just as guilty.” Ukai gives a laugh—one that is embedded with bitterness and envy at the mention of the third-year setter—yet is just as vivacious as he is. A sound entirely different than she’d ever heard leave his lungs before. She likes it.

After finishing his smoke, Keishin gulps down a hefty swig of his drink before patting [name] on the shoulder before announcing his departure. “I’ll see you inside,” the girl, woman, calls out thoughtfully as she gives a small wave with her cigarette filter between her fingers. Ukai doesn’t verbalize the same sentiment. He doesn’t want to slip up and admit he’ll be looking for her.

But it’s painfully obvious that he is when he takes over the booth. Unable to hide the fact that with every chance that he looks into the audience, he’s searching for that black skater dress that hugs her all too perfectly, [hair color] locks swaying as she moves in the crowd. Ukai can’t hide it at all—not behind the turn table or new remixes meant to get the crowd moving.

He can’t hide the urgency he feels to find her outside in the crisp evening air, smoking on the back patio of the club after his set. [name] is talking and laughing with her friends while thin grey smoke billows from her open mouth before her eyes land on him. Some of her friends take notice to the tension and their shared gazes, some of them whispering his alias in excitement. But [name] just smiles knowingly, if not a little cocky, because she can see that urgency, that desperation, that Ukai was trying to hide. “Wait, [name], do you know Spira?” A bystander asked. Clearly, they weren’t present the last time this was brought up.

“Yeah, I may have met him once or twice,” the woman in question snickers as she strides over closer and closer to the aforementioned DJ.

“Cute,” Ukai sneers teasingly at her jab before instinctively reaching for the half-gone cigarette she pulls to her stained lips. At first, she thought he was going to put it out, considering their little conversation from a few hours ago. Instead, the volleyball coach puts the filter to his own lips, noting the damp fabric probably from her freshly applied lipgloss, and takes a drag. It tasted like watermelons and mint.

“Cheeky,” [name] returns, plucking her cancer stick back from the blonde man. While her friends are still behind her murmuring about the familiarity between the two of them, Keishin and [name] are lost in their own little world. “So since your set is over, and considering you’re still here, I’m assuming you’re joining me for the after party? Or do you have to go to work again?”

“I told them I’d be out of town this weekend,” Ukai tries to play it off as nonchalantly as he could, ties to swallow it down his nerves with rum and nicotine. It proves rather difficult considering the coy smile on [name]’s face is wearing and cracking through his resolve rather quickly. But at least, to him, he could confirm his mind was not playing tricks on him and [name] was just as adamant about his attendance as he initially thought. Even more so with her next statement.

“Cool. Your car or mine?” It took him a minute to process her words even—lust thickening and constricting the flow to his brain at the vague question. Ukai was getting far too ahead of himself, but goddammit how could he focus when the fabric of her skirt hit her mid-thigh and framed her like a Venetian goddess—“I don’t mind driving there.” She adds to coax him away from his silence.

“Nah, I got it. We’ll take mine.”

“Lead the way,” [name] chimes sweetly as she wraps an arm around the coach’s forearm. The physical touch is everything he’s been fantasizing about for the last few days—hellfire and brimstone and sunlight and goddammit why did he wear jeans that were only getting tighter and tighter?

Ukai opens the passenger door to his SUV, supporting the woman as she clambered in cautiously so as not to stumble from her heels. Getting settled in, the coach surrenders his unlocked phone to allow her the entirety of his music library. The irony of the DJ surrendering DJ rights to the passenger was not lost on either of them. Much to his surprise, [name] put on soft acoustic punk as he usually did on his way home from the club. The kind of softness one would turn on to accompany the fragile pitter-patter of rain against the windshield. “Cardboard Swords?” Ukai asks in surprise, more than familiar with the band.

“Flannel is a favorite of mine. I’m kind of surprised it’s in your library.” She adds after she begins directing him to this evening’s party location. From the corner of his eyes, he can see the way her full lips are moving along each word with expertise. He sees the way her [eye color] orbs soften slightly and he can tell this song hits home for her.

She’ll never say why—she’ll never tell him this was the song that helped her move on from Sugawara Koushi while restoring her inner peace.

But Keishin is no fool. He can tell that this is physically hurting her—crushing her soul into the leather seat of his car and, instinctually, he wraps a large hand around hers that’s resting in her lap. “I came out tonight to have fun with you, so don’t you go getting sad on me.” He means each word with innocent intent, yet he cannot ignore the almost hidden, salacious drip to each syllable and neither can she. How could she when his touch sent volts of electricity through her skin?

“Right, right,” she says in a conceding tone, switching the audio to something much more upbeat and a little flirty. “Why did you agree to go out tonight?” If Ukai had an answer, then it died on his lips as he let go of [name]’s hand to reach for another cigarette. The process of lighting the tube, inhaling, and exhaling bought him an extra minute to come up with an excuse; her doing the same giving him another thirty seconds.

“I don’t know.” It’s a blatant lie—a lie that [name] believes all too easily—but Ukai can’t bring himself to admit the truth. He can’t admit out loud that she’s the only thing that’s been on his mind all week or that he jumped at the opportunity, created one even, to be able to have a one-on-one moment with her. Keishin can’t admit that he can tell there are intricate webs spun in her mind and that all he wants to do is untangle them one by one.

And he certainly can’t tell her that even the mere sight of her sends his brain into overdrive and all he wants to do is repeatedly fill her over and over with his seed until she is entirely his, inside and out in mind, body, and soul. There was no way in the nine circles of hell that Ukai Keishin was going to admit to his sinful thoughts.

“It’s just up here.” [name] points with gaunt fingers, cigarette between them as her voice is half choked from inhaling her own smoke. Mirroring the man’s actions earlier, she indulged in her own nicotine habit to quell the budding disappointment from Ukai’s lackluster response. They drove up a slight winding hill and as the trees pass by, the itch for her truth and her history was gnawing at him. He wanted to know why this rambunctious party girl invited him all week to these elusive after parties. Why Flannel ate away at her insides like it did his. Why did her and Sugawara breakup?

But he decides against it for the moment.

“Where are we?” Ukai asks. There’s cars all lining the sides of the road of varying worth—he felt even more out of place than normal with his older SUV, even if it was an upgrade for him, considering the large number of luxury vehicles.

“Bevelle’s house.” [name] says simply, pointing to an empty space in the streets as she throws the butt of her cigarette into the road. The casual way she name drops the owner of the club makes him gawk, catching flies in his mouth had there been any at the hour. With a satisfied, cheesy grin, she hops out of her seat and walks in the grass to meet Ukai on the other side as he clambers out of the vehicle as well. In familiarity, she grips into his forearm once again as they walk towards the forest mansion.

Keishin wasn’t sure what to expect when the two of them walked in, but a home full of people screaming his pseudonym and her name was not on that list. Younger hordes had surrounded [name], greeting her warmly and telling her how glad they were to see her again for the evening. Others were approaching Ukai, telling them how rare and a momentous occasion that the infamous artist Spira was amongst their midst.

“Glad to see you could join us, Spira.” His boss and club owner, Bevelle, approaches the mismatched couple. Bevelle was an alias used by the middle aged woman, her real name unknown to those that didn’t know her know her, and was once upon a time her stage name. While she had chosen a quiet location in the Miyagi prefecture, Bevelle was quite known in the underground scene. Granted, Ukai didn’t know any of that when he’d taken the job. If anything, it was all thanks to her that he was able to learn for his own success as well as granting him the opportunity to learn in the first place. “Good to see you too, trouble.” Bevelle affectionately goes to muss at [name]’s hair, to which she only replies with a cheeky grin.

“How do you know Bevelle?” Ukai presses his lips towards the ear of the woman still hanging onto him as she expertly leads the way to the kitchen. The car ride left her feeling slightly uncomfortable, ashamed even though she would never admit to that, and she knew she definitely needed a drink after it. Part of her was heavily rebuking herself for trying to pry into his mind by asking why he came along, even more so when she put on the one song that shattered her heart every time she heard it. It just excited her that he had it in his library, that he even knew who The Cardboard Swords were, and that he enjoyed the same obscure taste in music as much as she did.

“She’s a close family friend!” The chirp that [name] gives isn’t entirely convincing, like she isn’t telling the truth. Regardless, Ukai washes down his doubt with the beer he was handed, figuring she probably had her reasons. And as soon as the plastic is in each of their hands, [name] downs the contents immediately, hoping to drown out the nerves ebbing from her stomach with vodka. She should have been ecstatic—her old high school crush, her unrequited crush, was here with her, drinking side by side but she can’t help but feel the tension between them—sexual or otherwise.

Just as the two of them down their second round, a piercing voice cuts through the thicket of the masses, calling out her name and capturing her attention. “It’s your song! Come on!” A shrug and a smile crosses [name]’s features as she’s all but dragged away to a different part of the mansion. Much to his surprise, she grabbed onto Keishin to drag him along as well.

The two of them are presented with a myriad of sweaty, rolling bodies—much more gone than Ukai had ever seen at the club itself. It was oddly...sensual, if it could be called that, to see the fluid movements between party goers. Sensual, intimate, strange—all of them could be used interchangeably at this moment.

[name] is dancing with another woman, mouthing all of the words to the current pop song while bobbing and jumping around excitedly before her eyes lock on his. She’s in her element now. All sunshine and smiles like Ukai had seen from on occasion from years ago or most recently at the club, but they’re directed at him for once as she pulls him closer onto the dance floor. The taunting beats and repetitive call of “come on” and the way [name] loosely wraps her arms around his neck as she dances brings Ukai to the realization that this was the end of the line.

The end of the line, because Keishin can’t hold himself back anymore.

Not with the way her hips are grinding against is and she’s laughing warmly and heartily at his slight discomfort and her teeth are glittering off the lights in the dark room like stars in the night sky. Not with the way her head is thrown back and her dress drops low enough to flaunt the expanse of bare skin of her neck and collar bones that are just begging him to sink his teeth in. Not with the way her [eye color]ed orbs are locked with his as she sings along with the music, oddly enough alluding to some form of confession of her feelings.

He can’t fucking take it anymore.

The large hands he has on her hips move just under her arms to hoist her up, [name] instinctively wrapping her legs around his waist to keep her balance. Their eyes are locked, honed in on each other with the rest of the party melting into the background. With her deepest, most wild high school fantasy driving her actions, she grins. “Hi,” is all she says before Ukai cranes his neck back to cover her lips with his.

His kiss is everything she imagined it would be after years of pining. The smell and taste of smoke and wood floods her senses as his tongue laps at the watermelon lip gloss on her bottom lip before seeking refuge within her mouth. His hands, now wrapped around her thighs give intermittent squeezes, either to keep them grounded in reality or just because he needs something to clutch at—she’s unsure of which. In response, her manicured fingernails tangle into his messy blonde locks. Their kiss pours out their desperation, laying it all out on the table for the both of them to see clear as day.

The only thing that prompts them to break apart is the ending of the song.

“You wanna get out of here?” Ukai asks as he tenderly puts [name] back on the ground. As if he weren’t just making out with her moments ago, the motion is delicate and gingerly and almost loving.

“Not yet,” there’s a knowing, smug lilt in her voice as she turns on her heel and throw herself back into the throng of party people. Or rather, attempts. While she’s attempting to flee, Keishin snatches her wrist, pulling her closer until their chests are flush against each other.

“Nuh uh,” the blonde man tuts, “you’ve been asking me to join you at a party all week, now here I am. The hell makes you think you’re leaving my side tonight?” [name]’s grin only grows wider.

“I’ve waited for years for this opportunity, coach, so if you think I’m not gonna have fun with it, you’re dead wrong.” The word ‘years’ constricts the man’s heart—forces his pupils to blow into dilation with her modest, yet blunt confession.

“Years?”

“Years,” she repeats, “ever since that first practice you stumbled into the Karasuno gym as the temporary coach. Why do you think I came to every single exhibition match and tournament? Or came to study and do homework while you guys had practice?” This girl was grinding at every steel line of self-control that was left in Ukai’s body because every word spilling past her lips added an additional ten volts to the sexual tension between them.

“We’re leaving.” He bites out despite the delicate tone. Wrapping his hand around hers once again, Keishin tugs her along time dodge the party goers that threw the two of them curious glances, wondering why they were quick to leave shortly after their arrival. Just to tease him further, [name] almost wants to offer a rebuttal and tell him that they should stay longer and enjoy the show. However, she knows she’s done enough waiting and if he was taking her home, she wasn’t going to argue.

While urgency and desperation was their game, Keishin didn’t cut corners when it came to presenting himself as a gentleman as he helped [name] back into the car. Hormones be damned—he was still going to help a lady into the passengers seat. “You never did tell me why you finally agreed to come out tonight.” She says quietly, as if the two of them hadn’t been making out and dry humping a few minutes prior. “And it’s clearly not because you knew I had a crush on you all throughout third year—“

“Don’t act like you’re the only one with feelings in this.” Ukai grits out, speeding much faster back home than he did on the way to Bevelle’s house. Paying that no mind, [name]’s ears perk up at his own wayward confession. When she asked for clarity, a rumbling groan shakes his chest as he patted down his pockets in search for his nicotine sticks. “I didn’t recognize you the first night at the club because you look different now. Happiness looks good on you.”

“Happiness?” She echos confusedly, turning to face Ukai fully after lighting her own cigarette.

“You used to always look content back then—just barely content and nothing more. And I can’t stop thinking back to those days because you’re this ball of sunshine, kid, and I can’t stop wondering what the hell Suga did to you to dim your shine that badly. I haven’t stopped thinking about you all week.”

[name] is quiet for a moment at his own rendition, his own version, of a confession and she’s stunned. And she can’t tell if she wants to cry or kiss him because this is not that way she ever fantasized this conversation going. It was going better than she dreamed. Better, because the words that Ukai is saying adds an entirely new layer to his amped up personality—he wasn’t just the sexy volleyball coach that she used to pine over. He was a person with deep rooted feelings for justice in the sense of wanting to understand how someone could inflict damage to the innocent and he wanted to rectify said injustices. He wanted to know how someone like Suga could try to dampen her sunlight instead of allowing her to thrive and bloom.

She wants to kiss him, she decides, but since he’s driving, she settles for placing a chaste one on the corner of his mouth. “Serves you right,” she jokes when she pulls away, “it’s been a long four years for me. It’s your turn to suffer.”

“Trust me, this car ride is torture enough.”

[ next ]

[believerindaydreams]

under blue moon

oh look it’s another bit out of order. 

(may possibly get edited depending on the opinion of Syb who Doth Write Blondeyes with far more intensity than I do.)

this bit is from during Lent, before the Bus Trip of Doom. Our trio have taken up poetry sessions at the gatehouse- and somebody else is listening.

The memory shames Wallace even now, the way he and Joseph decided their lives back then. A scapular, one side brown homespun and the other the image of a saint, is less worldly than a coin; but they’d been gambling all the same. He has trouble crediting that he could ever have been so flighty. 

Reckons it best, not to admit to himself that he still might be- in ordinary time. 

This is not ordinary time. This is Lent, season of abstinence and strange sorrows, the time of year when the church’s blessed tide recedes, to expose the barren pagan world beneath. Father Paul dedicates this season to traveling, seeking reluctant converts for their flock; because now is when men reflect on their sins. 

Only Father Paul is not traveling this year, because of that- impertinence- of a brother of his, who came to visit for a day and has stayed for months. Accompanied by Joseph, gentle and distraught in his sorrows. Accompanied also, by a spirit that chose with careful precision, the moment to make itself manifest....

it is hard to credit that man as flesh and blood. 

To say that their monastery (this pit of unshriven sins, by guttering half-light)  has brought this fate upon itself would be a certain kind of blasphemy. To remain unmoved by this creature would be a rather worse one, Wallace can’t help feeling. 

He roams through the cloisters at night, disturbing the cats. 

He knows Latin better than any man here- excepting Father Paul, perhaps.

He had claimed for himself a portion of their sanctuary, carved out a worldliness in this place where there should be no such thing; thus reminding the flock that such things are, laying temptation in their path, in allways being most sly, and subtle, and cautious in his efforts...if the intent is not the breaking up of their flock, Wallace cannot imagine what else Angel Eyes might crave; and even if not, he’d bear watching. 

All of which is very poor philosophy indeed, to justify the way he has stolen away from evening prayer to spy on a guest, from the gatehouse attic. The passage out lies open and waiting. He might retreat at any moment, but chooses not to. 

“Turning and turning, in the widening gyre,” Angel Eyes reads. 

In this he is also unlike other men; his voice does not change to a carrying, artificial tone but remains serenely conversational. Wallace has become aware of its permutations, its inflections and digressions, is unable to listen without comparison to his multifold experience of priests and recitations. If it were a matter solely of the voice, he should have to consider it as fine a one as ever he’s heard. 

Joseph prefers not to read, for all his early promise as a speaker, and as for Benedict- Benedict has the sense not to read poetry, at least. His virtues may be strictly of the negative variety, but they do exist, as Christian charity requires him to acknowledge.

“He’s fallen asleep,” Joseph says. The peephole is small, but sufficient for him to see the man resting on the sofa beneath, the other who reaches for him with eager hands- 

and the third, who knocks Joseph back with his fist without missing a syllable. “The falcon cannot hear the falconer.”

“Well, he ought to be listening,” Joseph says very sullenly, not moving from the floor. 

“Things fall apart. The centre cannot hold,” Angel says. The book in his hand is a fine handsome edition, handcut pages and a heavy binding. Not quite the life of restraint promised to Father Paul, this gatehouse. 

“If I was that rude, you’d have it in for me.”

“Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world...the blood-dimmed tide is loosed-”

“Why do you let him get away with everything?” Joseph asks. “That new bag, your blasphemous little suppers, all the rest of it.”

A quiet, warm and ungodly smile warms Wallace then: a story he recognises, one that he’s heard before. Not the prodigal son, but the man’s brother.

“And everywhere, the ceremony of innocence is drowned...”

He doesn’t catch Joseph’s next interruption; the man’s lowered his voice, almost as if he expects an unseen listener. 

“The best lack all conviction...”

That must be more poetry, rather than a response. Joseph pulls himself close to the chair where Angel sits, to lean his head against the other man’s knee. 

Provoking no reaction whatsoever. “While the worst, are full of passionate intensity.”

“Passion we have by the truckload,” Joseph growls. “It’s everything else that’s the problem, always has been.” 

“Surely some revelation is at hand...” Angel continues, unperturbed. 

“Like hell there is. I’m leaving after Easter.”

And finally, finally, Angel closes the book. Marking it first with a ribbon, very deliberately. 

“Are you?” he asks- and that is not in a light, conversational tone at all, but something that draws on moonless nights and the isolation of nightmare for its power. “Well, you’ve done that before.“

“I mean for good this time. Finished the con, kept my promise-” Joseph laughs, a trifle hysterically. “He’s been hanging around my neck for years, I couldn’t get rid of him. I promised I’d see him safe first, you understand? And now I’ve done it and you’ve got him and I wish to God I hadn’t, but he’s yours now. I can get back on the road, like I always meant to.“

Angel picks up the dark gloves on his lap, pulls them on his hands with a deliberate lack of hurry or concern. “Six months, Blondie. Six months when I thought you wanted me, how indifferent were you?”

“Not half as much as you thought I was,” Joseph says, abruptly calm. The answer seems to surprise Angel too; he stops, a glove half on. “Inside of a month, I knew- I wanted you for you. Selfishly. I didn’t want my partner in on it, nothing you could have done would have driven me away- well, you know it didn’t.“

“And you left without a word,” Angel says. “I chose not to ask you why. I’m not asking now.”

It would, perhaps, be a statement of great poignancy and self-denial, as seen from below- such as from Joseph’s position. From up here, Wallace can make out no expression on Angel’s features, only the top-down view of a nose and thinning hair; and a reluctant compassion enters his heart. The man’s only a man, after all. 

(Perhaps God, looking from above, finds it equally simple to distribute forgiveness; but this is hardly a perspective he’ll suggest at prayer study.)

“Tuco needed me. I knew- I knew that if I said I had to leave, that I cared about somebody so much that I’d risk us just to save him, that you’d insist on coming along. Helping. Cutting me out, maybe, or...he was in New Orleans,“ Joseph says. “Not the picturesque part, some godless subdivision on the outskirts. The liveliest man I’ve ever met, and he honestly thought that stuffing ten pounds of joy into a five pound sack would be good for him. I’d have felt better if they’d been kicking him out of a rathole.”

“I wouldn’t.”

Joseph exhales. “Tuco’s like me, a crisis just makes him mad. Mad gives you something to work with. It’s the in-between times that wear the heart down...so I took care of him, I got him back on the road, and then I was stuck again! And frankly the hustle was getting worse and worse- it’s damned hard on him, I know that. You remember what he was like the first night you met him, all turquoise and big hats and comedy foreigner- and that was toned down, because I told him Carson was the classy sort. It got a lot worse than that.”

Wallace dearly wishes he could see better, what was happening; the way the chair creaks back suggests that Angel Eyes finds this line of inquiry none too reassuring. 

“How is his poker? Professionally speaking- I wasn’t paying the closest attention to him that night, you understand.“

“Not that great. Better at reading people than I am, but his betting’s terrible. No, we were going to have to find something else to do sooner or later, and I didn’t want to come ask you for help. Not just because I was being selfish, either. I knew what you were. I didn’t want to expose him to that...” Joseph trails off. “It’s a fucking strange sort of innocence he’s got, have you noticed? Like he expects the entire world to want him dead in a ditch, but he doesn’t see why that should embitter him any. It’s worth protecting.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“Well, good....”

“So what made you change your mind, in the end?”

Why Joseph begins to laugh, then, is a mystery to Wallace; but then, so’s most of this conversation. “For one thing, because I missed you- but you wouldn’t be satisfied with that answer, would you? I wouldn’t either. Because I missed you, because I wasn’t inhumane enough to keep us going through hell when I knew we had another choice, not when we were sleeping in the car every night and didn’t know where our next meal was coming from...that’s the thing about saintliness, if you’re alone it’s virtuous. If anyone’s depending on you, it’s just plain sadism.”

“And you fancy yourself as a saint.” Angel Eyes is, Wallace is positive, smirking something rotten. 

Joseph stands up then, with a martyr’s contentment. “I’d like to. And without you two around, maybe I’ll manage it. You’re planning to stay on here, aren’t you? Make soup, love Tuco, not do anything that’d get him in trouble?”

“That was the general idea, yes...of course, I did throw away my entire fortune on your behalf, retire from a line of business I happen to have excelled at, and have come to the conclusion you’re an absolute and arrant coward. But you needn’t worry that I’m going anywhere. Tuco’s certainly going to need support, once you abandon him.”

“It’s not the way you think.”

“I don’t care what you make of my opinion, it’s what Tuco thinks- and keeping him from chasing after your worthless hide is going to be a job and a half, have you thought of that?”

“No. He knows that I need to do this sometimes, he’ll be fine...and by the time he realises I’m not coming back, he won’t want to follow me anymore. You’ll take care of that much, I’m giving you every opportunity.”

Angel Eyes reaches out, picks up a pipe; Wallace wrinkles his nose at the unpleasant smell. “The exasperating part of all this is, you assume I’ll do anything to keep him by my side- and the worst of that is, you’re right.”

“You two are good together. Better than I ever was for him.”

“Planning to even give him the choice, before you go?” 

“Of course I am. Benedict?”

There is a long, long silence during which nothing happens at all; then Angel Eyes begins to laugh. It’s zesty, heartfelt, not an uncanny demon’s voice. 

He would, Wallace decides, have preferred a demon voice.

“Benedict,” Joseph says, laying a hand on the sofa; but not going near, not touching him at all. “I don’t understand. This has always worked before.”

“He sleeps better these days,” Angel says, still chuckling. “Not nearly so jumpy anymore- haven’t you noticed?” 

He reaches out and pulls a pack towards him. Settles it on his lap. The action means nothing to Wallace. 

It apparently means something to Joseph, though; there’s a petulant, almost childish whine in his voice. “That’s not fair.”

“No. It isn’t.”

Joseph bangs the door, as he goes out; Benedict stirs. “Blondie? Hey- where’d he- I guess I fell asleep again, huh?”

“Understandably. Yeats has that effect on many people.” 

“Oh, but I was trying this time- they were short, I understood them. Maybe too well, that one about the mask. But at least we have the place to ourselves now-”

Wallace decides to leave, then. Fascinating as this story is, his demon has no plans to wreck this sanctuary; so he doesn’t need to hear any more. 

The satisfying weight of the rosary in his pocket helps to soothe his spirit; he welcomes in the calm, as he begins the brief familiar prayers. For Joseph’s sake, he decides.

Scapular. Joseph had flipped it, told him to call. He’d won and chosen Paul.

”You’re an idiot. Paul’s never going to fuck you or anyone else, he’s about as holy as they come. Tuco’s much better fun.”

”That’s what I love about him,” Wallace had said. “That purity. That committed celibacy...it’ll keep me holy too, living up to his standards.” 

And given all that’s happened to Joseph since, he can’t help feeling that virtue’s proved its own reward.

[thatfairyfangirl]

True Colors Chapter 4

The weeks seemed to drag on for you in the new recruit dorms. It seemed like every time you opened your door there he was. If he wasn’t staring at you he was finding new ways to get under your skin. Never in your life had you met anyone quite as irritating as Bucky Barnes! Even the way he breathed in the workout rooms seemed to push at a nerve for you.

“Tony please! I’m begging you!” You whined as you and Tony sparred, “Please move my room! I can’t stand Robo-cop being right on top of me all the time!” As you spoke you shot Bucky a look that could kill, your hair swirling with fiery reds displaying your anger. The knife he was flinging around didn’t scare you one little bit.

“Psh! Yeah right!” Tony protested. “Pretty sure this is the first time I’ve ever….EVER heard you complain about a guy being on top of you.”

“Careful there rich boy! Or you’ll be fighting crime in a very nice shade of Hello Kitty pink.” Tony put on a scared look to go with your playful threat.

Steve looked over from his knife practice with Bucky and shook his head lightly. “Geez buddy what did you do to her?” he chuckled as he looked back to his friend.

“Nothing!” He protested. “The dame is flat out CRAZY!” He jerked his attention to you to make sure you knew you were meant to hear it.

“I dunno man I like her.” Sam interjected, just wanting to have the opposite opinion of him. “She’s fun.”

“Tell you what.” Tony let out a heave of a breath, glistening with a thin layer of sweat. “How about tonight you and me go get Johnnie and Jack, hang out with them for a little while then we can go out to the usual club so you can blow off some steam the way you do best?”

You let out a long breath mulling over the idea before shaking your head, letting the rainbow flow back and forth down your back wadding up just a bit with sweat. “Nah...as nice as it would be to have the boys I need to do some work tonight.”

“Aww but you’re my whore.” Tony teased putting an emphasis on ‘my’. “Who else are you working for?”

“Some middle aged rich guy trying to horn in on your playboy status.” You gave Tony a wink to let him know you were only playing. Bucky’s movements slowed as he listened in on the conversation, now starting to wonder if you really were a prostitute.

~ ~ ~ ~

Later that night you sat in your room staring at your mixer as your speakers poured out the same bit of music over and over. Normally putting things together was so easy, second nature to you… but your nerves were running short thanks to sleepless nights from the screaming of the metal armed wonder across the hall and it was taking its toll on your creativity. Nothing about this piece seemed right to you. Nothing was sounding like you wanted...It was as if you took all of your knowledge of music and threw it to the wind. In the back of your mind you knew you should probably be using some headphones, you were sure the hour was getting late...but they seemed to have gone missing.

Bucky sat in his room, every few minutes turning the volume on his dvd player up, trying his best to hear the movie over the constant annoyance of your noise. Finally as he realized the volume couldn’t go up anymore he got up with a growl grabbing a pair of headphones from his nightstand. The constant loop had finally broken him, if he had to hear it one more time he was going to have to go Winter Soldier on you just to make it stop, and he doubted he would regret it if it meant he’d finally get some peace and quiet. He burst out of his room to swing your door open as violently as he could without breaking anything. “I’m from the past and even I know how to use these!” He held the headphones in the air, shaking them a bit before throwing them at you. “Now shut that noise up!” He screamed before slamming your door shut with enough strength to shake your equipment.

After a moment of debating weather you really wanted to or not you finally plugged in the headphones, keeping your music to yourself as you stuck your pierced tongue out at the door. You didn’t care that he couldn’t see it.

As he sat back down the anger in him just kept growing, bubbling under him. After all that he didn’t even care about his movie anymore, just wanted to hit something. After pulling on his workout clothes he slammed his door shut as he made his way back to the workout room to make some good work of the punching bags.

~ ~ ~ ~

As the hour grew late your stomach rumbled, reminding you that you that dinner should have been a thing hours ago. But then again it was never that unusual for you to forget meals while you were working. 1:00am… surely everyone else had to be asleep by now. You didn’t bother to put on proper clothes to head over to the kitchen...your thin tank top and barely there shorts covered all the important parts anyway. Maybe some time away from the mixer was just what you needed to re-up your inspiration, some time with your older recordings to remind you what Spectrum was about.

~ ~ ~ ~

Clint watched as Bucky split open punching bag after punching bag from the treadmill, waiting for one to survive the impact before he deemed it safe to talk. “I thought you were in here earlier with Cap?” He asked a bit out of breath, sometimes he wished he had a dose of that super soldier serum too. “Something bothering you?”

“More like someone” He grumbled in response as he began beating the bag into submission.

“Again with you and (Y/N)? You guys fight more than my kids!” he couldn’t help but laugh at the two of you. “What exactly is it about you two that gets under each other's skin so bad?” he added out of genuine curiosity.

“She’s loud,” the punching bag let out another thud as he hit it, “always in my way,” thud “and NEVER takes anything seriously,” thud crash! Another punching bag down.

“Yeah? And she’s also a highly trained gifted individual who knows how to have fun, a pretty gifted musician, is pretty easy on the eyes-” He would have gone on but he took notice of the metal arm clenching tightly and definitely did not want to be on the receiving end of that. He waited for the fist to loosen before he hopped off the machine, toweling himself off. “She got all of us out of that place… She personally melted the ice you were kept in...Did you ever even thank her for that?” He added as he left the room leaving him to think on that.

~ ~ ~ ~

Bucky toweled the sticky sweat off as he slowly made his way back to his room, his soaked tank top flung over his shoulder. All he wanted to think about was a nice cool shower, but he couldn’t seem to shake Clint’s words...until a soft voice caught his ear coming from the kitchen. He stood in the doorway watching you clean up after yourself, your hips barely shaking in your small shorts, the hems dancing around your upper thighs as you softly sang “But then his number came up and he was gone with the draft. He's in the army now, a blowin' reveille. He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B.”

“You’re dancing to that wrong.” Bucky stated almost timidly. Clint’s words fresh in his mind he couldn’t help but notice your body for the first time, though he tried not to. But the way the ink of your many colorful tattoos curled around your exposed flesh had a way of catching the eyes that he just couldn’t ignore for long… With a yelp your headphones fell from your ears as you spun to meet his eyes. He let out a long breath as he watched you react with fear to him, wondering if this was the source of all the issues you’ve had with each other. First impressions are always hard to erase, and he gave you a doozy of one. “So this is it? Afraid of the Winter Soldier?”

You shook your head as your eyes caught the light reflecting off of his sweaty chest, forcing you to take notice of the muscles behind his strength, though you refused to let them sway you. “Didn’t know I had an audience,” you clarified.

“Didn’t know you liked The Andrews Sisters,” he returned as he stepped into the kitchen, noticing the pile of dishes the rest of the team had left and the sponge in your hand.

“You never bothered to ask. I doubt there’s any music I don’t like actually.” It was nice to hear one of his old favorites again.

“You know...with all these gadgets you’d think we’d have a dishwasher.” He offered as he stepped to the sink, trying his very best to at least try to be nice. “So...why aren’t you afraid of me? Most everyone else sure seems to be...Heck, Clint just stopped mid thought at the sight of this,” he held up his hand as he spoke before opening it up for the sponge.

“Because you’re not some mindless killing machine.” You answered as you handed him the soap filled sponge, trying to figure out the angle he was playing here. “You know...most people assume that I dye my hair. An easy assumption to make. But it’s still wrong.” You picked up a towel to start drying the plates you already cleaned.  “It has been like this ever since my powers manifested...Actually, I tried dying it, but wouldn’t you know it, didn’t take.” Bucky looked up to you, wondering where you were going with this.  “I’m a mutant, and it’s pretty hard to hide it. The world hates and fears my kind because they don’t understand.” Bucky slowly blinked at you, finding it unbelievable anyone could hate or fear a walking rainbow like yourself, even if he refused to see you as pretty he had to admit your hair was lovely in the light. “If anyone understands what it feels like for the world to look at you like a monster while you bust your ass to prove otherwise it's me. So no. I’m not afraid of you. You say those days are behind you and I’ll trust you ‘till you show otherwise.” Bucky couldn’t help smiling, feeling a sense of relief knowing there was someone else out there who knew how he felt...not exactly the same, but on a similar level. Getting close to the other team members was nice, but this was something else entirely...he didn’t feel so alone knowing this. “Doesn’t mean I have to like you though.” He shot you an insulted look. “You’ve been nothing but mean and insulting ever since I broke you out. So why should I?”

His jaw dropped. “Well you’ve been nothing but inconsiderate and brash to me!” He retaliated.

“Well you called my music noise! You’re just like everyone else out there, don’t understand it so it must be wrong!”

Surprised Bucky couldn’t help but concede to this, he hasn’t been very fair to her..never even thanked her or apologized about that day she broke him out. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“And sorry if I annoyed you earlier. I couldn’t find my headphones.” A quick glance confirmed for him that you were in fact still using the pair he threw earlier.

“You think maybe I can borrow that?” He asked pointing to the mp3 player sticking out of your shorts with an almost timid look on his face. “A voice like yours is definitely not noise...I’d love to hear more.”

“Umm...Sure.” You agreed rather surprised as you pulled it from your shorts, showing him how to use it before handing it to him.

“So...what was all that noi-music for anyway? I thought you told Tony you couldn’t hang out with those guys because you hand to work?”

You snorted as you held in laughter. “Those guys are different kinds of alcohol. Tony wanted me to get drunk with him. But yeah, before I came here I was a singer and a DJ, music is my work.” You let out an exasperated sigh. “I guess I can’t blame you for calling it noise...Pretty sure that’s all I’ve been able to come up with for the past few days.” You paused before taking the mp3 player, pulling up the songs you had completed for him. “Here, this is what it’s supposed to sound like.”

Bucky listened as he washed, still not entirely sure if he was hearing the noise or the music at first. You watched his eyes widen as a new song began, something with familiar tune began to tug at his ears.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tRKo6ew0Bs

“You like Fred Astaire?” He asked with shock and awe as he yanked the headphones off.

“Oh my god yes! My dad used to love those old movies!” you gushed, “He was a music teacher, taught me everything I know. Probably the reason why I love music as much as I do. Fred Astaire was his favorite, so I guess it holds a special place in my heart.” He just stared at you for a moment, an amazed smile dancing across his face feeling almost thankful that someone was keeping the music of his past alive for him to cling to in this strange new world. After a moment’s thought suddenly something dawned on you, “You know, you’re the first person I’ve ever met who didn’t think that was sung by Frank Sinatra. I mean don’t get me wrong, Ol’ Blue Eyes was one of the world’s best crooners, but still.”

“You kidding? Doll, come on,” he chuckled a bit, “Swing Time, 1936. I love that flick!” He was beaming with a happiness you had never seen on him before, definitely a trade up from his usual scowl.

“So do I.” You couldn’t help smiling in return, only barely admitting to yourself that you were happy the two of you had finally found some common ground.

Tag List:

@sillydecoy​

Announcement from the writer:

I am also on Patreon! You can find me on Patreon HERE. I know, I know, it sounds like I am expecting you to pay for my writing but fear not! I will only be charging $1 a month, and even that is voluntary. The majority of my fics will be available for free. The $1 subscription will be for access to the really adult content stuff I have been sitting on such as what I have been calling “Blind Date’s Deleted Scene” and access to my discord AND early access to fics! As a bonus for you guys since you have been with me since the beginning of Blind Date I will grant you free access to the discord if you shoot me a message here on tumblr and ask.

I will still post fics on Tumblr up until they are no longer welcomed by the staff, but patrons will be able to view them early.

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[saturnianscorpio]

Kim Namjoon: A Complex Man

This is the first in my series of in depth natal chart readings for the boys of BTS. I’m using this as a learning experience and to satisfy the curiosity of us BTS fans that are also into astrology :)

My goal will be to post one reading for the boys per week (in the order of the fan chant)

This is the order that I’ll go through:

Planets, what house they’re in and what aspects they have

The houses (not all of them, I touch on the ones that have planets in them) which planets they contain 

For reference, I use the equal housing system.

Keep reading for the entire reading :)

Sun in Virgo in House 10

An intellectual. Someone that tends to analyze things and cares a lot about the little details. Someone that takes in information a lot of information but also tends to be quite picky and critical about many things. This critical aspect of his personality is meant to help others though, not to break them down. Virgo likes to serve (i.e. help others out). They care a lot about the greater good and tend to be modest. When it comes to work, Virgos are usually very dependable and because of their exacting nature, they tend to be good at making sure that no detail goes overlooked. Usually great communicators with brains that are constantly going (thanks to being ruled by Mercury). Virgos can be anxious, people that frequently worry, just because they want everything to fo just right. They also tend to be a bit health conscious.

Having this placement in the 10th house (the house of career and social status). He’s meant to be a star. He’s ambitious and works hard towards his goals. Someone meant to have high social status, someone meant to lead. Having the sun here can lead to fame and glory. Because the sun can also represent the father, maybe he looked up to his father growing up. However, the downside to this placement is that his confidence is probably very strongly connected with the way that people view him. He probably strongly desires acceptance from the world around him. This is the placement of someone that likes being in charge and enjoys things like public speaking. With this placement, however, it’s important that he knows who he is rather than becoming the image that others create for him. There may be a disconnect between him and the people that are close with him. This would be due to pushing the image of his career onto them rather than being his true self (although the earthy virgo may help balance this out). This placement also leads to someone that likes to be in charge of their own fate, someone that doesn’t like being bossed around (or working for) others. This placement can easily lead to arrogance, but luckily the sun is in Virgo so he knows that he isn’t flawless and remains humble (always working to better himself).

Namjoon’s sun is conjunct (loosely, about a 4 degree orb) chiron. This is an asteroid that represents a wound, a wound that has been or will be healed. He probably struggled (or struggles) with lack of confidence or bad self image. He may have had a hard time learning to love and accept himself. Maybe he didn’t like his appearance or was afraid of how people would view him. Perhaps he had a difficult relationship with his father. Whatever, this wound was, when he overcomes it he will be able to help others deal with the same issues that he faced. He’ll likely want to help others learn how to love and accept themselves (I mean,,,,look at the #LoveYourself project going on and how often he talks about his own growth).

His sun is trine Neptune and Uranus. These aspects make for a very creative, multi-talented, person. Someone that’s always coming up with new ideas and someone that has a lot of curiosity. However, these aspects can also make it difficult for someone to know what they want to do with their life. Someone who doesn’t really have an exact dream or an idea of what career (sun in the 10th) that they want to pursue. However, the neptune trine helps make him someone that’s very understanding and intuitive. Both of these aspects make him sensitive  and empathetic. These aspects make for a person that wants to fight for the greater good, someone that will give their all to defend and fight for those that deserve it. He’s rebellious and open minded. A very tolerant individual. This is someone that’s always open to learning new things and expanding his perspective. He values emotional commitment and understanding, while also valuing his freedom (physical and emotional). This is also a man that is able to easily manifest his creative ideas (and he probably has MANY new ideas).

Moon in Sagittarius in House 1

This is the placement of someone very philosophical.He thinks about the meaning of life and its biggest secrets.This is someone that wonders not only about life but also probably about his own feelings (as in, why he’s feeling them) frequently. He’s usually optimistic, probably fun at parties. This placement makes for someone that’s adventurous and constantly yearning for freedom. He’s afraid of being trapped, he probably hates feeling like he can’t express or feel however he would like. This is the placement of someone wise and honest about their feelings. It upsets him when others aren’t open minded or when others resist change. He probably has a great sense of humor. He takes risks (carefully though, he’s still a virgo sun after all). He’s probably impatient at times, and he’s committed to the truth. This is someone that’s highly intuitive and charismatic. He’s likely good at helping others with their own feelings because he’s able to offer a new perspective. He can show people the big picture, helping those that tend to get lost in their own emotions. This placement increases the emotional freedom (shown with the Sun-Neptune aspect) that he needs from others.

This this placement in the first house, it’s likely that his emotions easily show on his face. He’s probably very expressive, talks with his hands and makes a lot of faces. He’s probably very easy to read. His feelings probably change quite often and he probably makes decisions pretty hastily. It’s likely that he has a very close relationship with his mother, and probably enjoys cuddling her (the first house is physical after all).

Namjoon’s moon is square his sun, so it’s likely that he has a lot of internal conflict. Sometime he may feel like he wants to portray or behave one way but his heart makes him feel something completely different. There’s probably a constant tug between what he wants and what he needs. This aspect can make someone feel like they’re their own worst enemy, like they’re constantly getting in their own way. This aspect may also indicate that there were some issues in childhood, like he had a strict childhood or often felt like he was restricted.

His moon is sextile his mercury. Namjoon, probably easily expresses his feelings. He has an easier time talking to him. He likely has a calming voice (I mean,,,I literally fell asleep listening to him talk once). But it’s also possible for this placement to make him change his mind a lot, and he’s likely very curious and a bit nosey. It’s also likely that when he speaks, it makes the listener feel understood and at home. He likes to learn, and probably wants to know as much as he can about all of his interests. He’s articulate, literate, and intuitive. He’s likely very sensitive to other’s thoughts and emotions (i.e. very empathetic). This aspect also makes him very good at seeing/sensing the truth, he knows when people aren’t being genuine.

His moon also squares Saturn. This placement can make for a lot of restriction, especially for someone with a Sag moon that values emotional freedom. This placement likely makes him feel trapped. Saturn is a planet of restriction and self disciple (it can also bring justice, but in this case, the focus is mainly on restriction), so when Saturn is in a hard aspect to the moon, it can be quite difficult to deal with. He probably has a hard time expressing his feelings and may frequently repress his own emotions. He may do this for a variety of reasons, from feeling as if others could take advantage of his emotions if they were aware of them or just feeling as if his emotions are a bit of an inconvenience. As if they get in the way of him being objective or getting his work done efficiently (especially with a Virgo sun in house 10). In combination with his moon sextile Mercury, this can make for a lot of internal conflict. He wants to express his feelings and he wants to make others feel understood, however he may not feel like he’s able to do those things even if he has a strong desire for them. A creative outlet (music in this case) is probably very important for him.

Mercury in Libra in house 11

Mercury in Libra makes for a very charming speaker. Someone that has a way with their words. Someone that probably makes a good mediator. This placement can also make for someone very persuasive. This is someone that often thinks about ways to make the world better or more peaceful. Someone that (usually) avoids arguments. This is someone that will be very careful with what they say because they don’t want to cause trouble or disagreements. They don’t want to upset people so they may often omit parts of their thoughts when speaking to others or they may say things for the sake or maintaining peace (and people generally won’t question it because this placement makes for someone that speaks beautifully and is probably very literary in their writing or in their words). This is a good placement for a writer or a poet. He may be critical of others, however because of his way with words it probably doesn’t hurt anyone. He can usually see both sides of arguments, and may be very long winded when trying to explain his opinions because he can’t help but to consider all sides. He’s good at networking, but may not follow up with the connections that he makes. He may take a while to make decisions because, again, he likes to consider all sides of things.

Having Mercury in the 11th house (group activity) makes namjoon someone that loves working with other people. Someone that gets inspiration from a close group of friends or co-workers. He likes brainstorming with others, and likes when he’s not the only one getting credit for work or ideas (“teamwork makes the dream work”). This placement can also make it so that he cares a lot about how he appears in other’s eyes, he cares a lot about the ways that his words may affect others. Which again, makes him very careful when choosing his words. This 11th house (much like the 2nd and the 8th) has a connection to wealth. However, this isn’t money earned slowly from the hard work of everyday (house 2) or the money of other people (house 8), this is big wealth that changes a person’s life (like...that one thing that happens in life that changes things forever, usually from external situations, from working with others). This affects Namjoon because Mercury is ruled by Gemini and his 8th house is in Gemini, so he’s likely to suddenly gain success (and wealth) by working with others (i.e. working with BTS and gaining success through that).

His Mercury is square Mars. This placement can make for someone quite argumentative and stubborn. It gives him a sharp tongue, and may make him prone to headaches (because Mars is physical). This can also make him a bit nervous or anxious. This is also someone that has their own ideas and likes to stick with them (maybe doesn’t like to admit when he’s wrong) and someone that speaks without thinking. For Namjoon, this is lessened by his Mercury in Libra and his Mars in Cancer, however it still has its effects. For him, this aspect probably just makes him extra blunt, maybe he sometimes says things without thinking (e.g. telling Tae “nobody asked you” when Tae started speaking that one time), but they’re just little things. Not usually anything too harmful.If he does say something harmful, it’s likely that he’ll apologize quickly after because he doesn’t want to be the one to cause problems. This placement also makes it so that he has a brain that’s always moving. It may be hard for him to be focused for long periods of time because of the energy that Mars is giving to his Mercury.

Namjoon also has Mercury square (very loosely) Neptune; because of how loose this square is, the effects probably aren’t that strong. This placement makes him very creative but also someone that can quite easily get lost (or even just overwhelmed) in his own thoughts. He’s sensitive and may have an overactive imagination. Maybe sometimes he loses track of what’s reality and where the truth lies. This aspect can create abstract ways of thinking and communicating. It can also lead to some escapist tendencies. Again because of how loose this square is (9 degree orb, I usually wouldn’t even consider it but I want to be thorough), it has very weak influence and should be taken with a grain of salt.

Venus in Scorpio in House 12

Venus in Scorpio makes Namjoon a man that’s very private when it comes to love and just his general relationships (platonic or romantic) with other people. He needs to have deep, meaningful relationships. Intensity (deep understanding and care) are very important for him. He’s probably a bit possessive and very loyal. However, it may time him a little while to build those close relationships because he needs to make sure that they’re genuine before he dives into them. He wants to be close to people that can keep his secrets, someone that doesn’t need to show their love to the world to make sure he knows that they care about him. This also makes him want to know everything that he can about those that he cares about. He may try to get to know people by having deep conversations with them. He’s an intense companion. This placement (along with some of his other ones) make Namjoon very good at reading those he’s close with, he can usually see right through them. This placement gives him a LOT of magnetism, and in turn he’s probably also very attracted to intensity. It’s also very likely that he’s quite sexual in (romantic) relationships, and that it’s an important part of relationships for him.

With this in the 12th house, it probably makes him even more secretive about his personal relationships with others. His relationships are his business, no one else’s. He’s someone that’s likely to have secret relationships. Outside of relationships, he’s probably just someone that really enjoys his privacy, and doing things on his own likely makes him feel refreshed. Maybe he has secret artistic hobbies (secret because he may not have confidence in his own work). This placement may also mean that he’s unaware of his own beauty or that he’s unable to fully explore or express himself. It’s also unlikely that he feels a bit of shame when showing off his own wealth or belongings. He’s probably someone that indulges himself in shopping (probably fashion) then may feel bad about it afterwards. He probably likes to buy secret presents for those close to him. Again, he’s probably unaware of the impact that he has on others.

Namjoon’s Venus is conjunct Jupiter. This placement makes for someone that is not only very magnetizing but also someone that is incredibly giving to those that he cares about. He likes to give all that he can, and probably dedicates a lot of time to those that he cares for. This aspect can also make him a bit, overbearing (or just too intense) for those that he’s close with. He loves hard and intensely and that may be difficult for a lot of people to deal with. This aspect can also make him a bit self indulgent (although this may be reduced because we’re dealing with Venus in house 12 after all). He’s very kind, and probably finds pleasure in all types of things, so it’s best for him to have a career that he loves or else he’s likely to get bored. A career in art (well he is a musician) is very important to him. He likely has a greater need for love than the average person, may be somewhat of a hopeless romantic. He needs to his relationships to be fun and to give him growth. This placement also give him his love of fashion (Jupiter is excess, and Venus is beauty,,,so).

His Venus is trine Saturn, this makes him incredibly loyal to those close to him. He enjoys providing security and safety to those that he cares about. He has their back. He’s also very patient with those that he cares about. This aspect can also make him quite serious and reserved when he’s meeting new people. Generally he’s able to resolve conflicts without much issue; he’d rather maintain harmony than have it turn into conflict. He’s the kind of person to endure most problems in relationships because most of the time he knows that there’s a way to work through it, he understands that you generally have to take some bad with the good.

Mars in Cancer in House 8

Honestly, on its own Mars in Cancer can be a bit of a weak placement. It often leads to someone that is passive aggressive, someone and someone that is unable to assert themselves properly. He likely avoids direct confrontation and can be overly sensitive at times. In contrast to his Mercury in the 11th, this placement makes him someone that might prefer working alone so he can be in control of the situation. This is a very passionate, and sensitive placement. It makes Namjoon very in tune to his own needs and desires. This placement makes him very imaginative. When upset, it’s probably very hard to him to be objective (thankfully, his other placements balance this out). Regarding sex, for him, sex and love must go together. He needs the romantic, sensual side of sex for it to truly fulfill him. He likely puts in a lot of effort to please his partner. He may not be all that vocal about his wants, so he may want his partner to figure out what he likes rather than just outwardly saying it. He probably gets stomach aches when he’s upset.

The 8th house is a home for Mars, so it’s much more domicile here than in the other houses. Because the 8th house can represent death (and because Mars is physical) those with this placement often experience near death experiences that completely transform them as a person (generally, in quite a positive way). A person with this placement is probably very much into the darker side of things (not necessarily bad). However it can also cause him to get into these “darker” things too quickly, without really thinking about his actions (although, his other placements probably prevent this). When it comes to sex, he’s probably very active (maybe not at the moment, but eventually)  and likely interested in a wide variety of things (including BDSM and various  kinks). He’s likely very passionate in bed, and has a LOT of desire. He probably works to actively break taboos not only for himself but for his partner as well.

Onto the aspects (his Mars aspects seven planets lol), Namjoon’s Mars is sextile the Sun. This makes him very passionate and creative. It gives him a lot of drive towards his passions and his goals, and also gifts him with a lot of creative thinking abilities. This placement makes him quite powerful with a strong will without being intimidating or threatening to others. This placement can give someone a good amount of confidence, while also making them a strong leader. This is someone that’s good at planning and is careful when making decisions. He’s genuinely friendly and quite persuasive as well.  

He also has Mars trine Jupiter. This placement can give a person an incredible amount of drive/ambition and make him quite powerful as well. It can also make him rather impulsive (and perhaps a bit clumsy, especially considering he has his 6th house in Aries as well, he’s a clumsy man). This aspect adds to his natural leadership abilities. He’s generally well liked and communicates well. He probably competes with himself (i.e. he wants to see how far he can go and wants to keep stretching his limits). He (again) has a lot of sexual energy. (this aspects and some of this other aspects make him most likely VERY dominant in bed wow).

Mars trine Pluto, once again, he’s very ambitious and very powerful. He’s probably a great leader, and a touch controlling (but in a gentle way, guiding kind of way. He likely has a lot of insight and is good at directly analyzing people and situations. He’s generally quite tolerant and would never purposefully harm or manipulate others. He’s highly committed to the things that he cares about.

Mars opposite Uranus and Neptune. He’s the type of person to be very rebellious. Against all of the societal norms and the boxes that society tries to fit people in. He’s very passionate about the greater good and finding many ways to help those in need of it. He defends those that deserve it and he truly hates injustice (e.g. seeing groups of people discriminated against for things that they can’t help). He’s very sensitive and can be a bit moody at times. However he may often find himself being unsure of his own actions and finding it a bit difficult to find his motivation (this is balanced out by his many other ambitious placements). He may have a hard time trusting himself because he’s unclear about his own motivations or why he’s doing what he’s doing. Because he has a hard time trusting himself, he may also have a hard time learning to trust others. He needs clarity in order to find balance in his relationships with others. It’s important for him to utilize logic and common sense to realize his dreams, or else he may become lost. The Uranus-Mars aspect can make him an argumentative person. Someone that hears what someone has to say then says something completely different just for the sake of going against the norm. As I said earlier, he’s revolutionary. However, this aspect can also make him very stubborn (not wanting to do what others say because he feels like he must forge his own path). He may see himself as being at odds with whatever or whoever he disagrees with. He probably plays devil’s advocate a lot just to see what happens. He may often see himself as an outsider. However, as with anything else, he will learn from life’s challenges. Reflecting on his past will lead to him becoming an entirely new person, like a snake that sheds their skin. (As related to sex, with these aspects indicate someone that likely needs a close connection but is also very open to trying new things. However, he probably likes to do things his way. Again, probably dominant, but in a soft way)

For the last Mars aspect, we have Mars trine Saturn. This placement makes him someone with a very even temperament. He’s likely slow to anger (i.e. he’s very patient). He endures, and works hard towards his goals. He’s not the kind of person to give up so easily, so even if he comes across bumps in the road, he’ll find a way to get over it and achieve his goals. However, he’s also probably very stubborn. Someone that often stays stuck in their ways. He likely has very high standards for himself, which may lead to him not seeing his own accomplishments or giving himself enough credit. He may have a hard time expressing his passions as fully as he would like (probably balanced by the trine with Jupiter). He’s likely a bit authoritative. Namjoon would probably be a good educator. (Again, when it comes to sex this makes him rather dominant, someone that likes when control is given to him. He can probably last for a while, probably really likes teasing.)

Scorpio House 1 (Ascendant/Rising)

This is a man with a very magnetizing aura. People are drawn to him and may, at times, find him to be hard to read. People probably find him quite intimidating. His eyes are probably quite expressive. He’s probably someone that really enjoys eye contact. There’s probably a lot of contradiction for him (sometimes he seems aloof and other times he seems very involved). He likely has a hard time letting people in. He’s probably good at deflecting and keeping others at a distance (like in those interviews where he easily dodges questions). He may be a hard person to get to know because of how hard he can be to read. The kind of person to eventually forgive but never forget.

Sagittarius House 2

Probably bad with money, or he just has a lot of money coming in and out of his life (i.e. maybe he makes a lot of money but also has to spend a lot of it). He’s probably someone that collects things (Sag is ruled by jupiter the planet of excess and house 2 is money, and material goods. He does have that large collection of KAWS dolls right?). He has Neptune in this house, which can blur the line between his belongings and the belongings of others (financial or material). With Pisces in the 4th, it’s likely that this blurring of boundaries has a lot to do with his family; he probably shares a lot at home. Having Uranus in this house can bring some financial ups and downs (going from being wealthy to being broke, and back again). Maybe he finds some excitement in shopping and spending money. Both Neptune and Uranus are in retrograde here, so it’s likely that he still deals with these things, but on a much smaller scale or every so often.

Aquarius House 4

He probably had a unique upbringing. Maybe he felt a lot of distance from his family, but also experienced a lot of excitement with them. He was probably pushed to be kind to others and probably spent a lot of time with his family all together. They may have travelled together frequently. He has Saturn in retrograde here, so his parents were likely quite strict, and pushed him to do well in school and in whatever career he chose to pursue. Saturn actually behaves better in retrograde, so even though his parents probably pushed him a lot, it’s likely that it didn’t make him feel suffocated or restricted. His IC is in Pisces (when using this house system the IC and MC aren’t necessarily the same as the 4th and 10th house cusps). He probably wants to create a home full of understanding and love. Someone that will likely give up everything for their family. He wants a family that feels safe, comforted, and genuinely connected.

Taurus House 7

He’s attracted to people that are very romantic. People that show their love through physical means (such as gifts and touch). He wants someone that can provide some stability to his live while still being very loving. Someone that’s into the very sensual aesthetics. When it comes to his relationships with others, he probably gives a lot to those close to him and may be quite touchy in his one on one relationships (Taurus is very physical). He’s probably interested in people that express themselves through creative means. He has a very even temperament  (and he’s patient) with those that he cares about and expects the same in return. He’s also likely to be attracted to someone that is stable in their on beliefs.

Leo House 10

He’s very driven, and likely shines in whatever career he chooses to pursue. This is a placement of someone that is likely to have a career in the arts, especially music (Leo is a sign of creativity and is often associated with music). He has a career full of self expression, and he’s a force to be reckoned with in said career. His MC is in Virgo, so he’s someone that is very hard on himself, and someone that works hard to reach his goals. For him, everything needs to be just right, so he tends to be a perfectionist when it comes to reaching his goals. He’s very efficient due to his attention to detail. Sometimes he may be a bit of a workaholic.

Libra House 12

He’s probably a bad liar but he’s also probably very good at seeing through others’ lies as well. He’s someone that is very loving in relationships (loves people inside and out). He may have some kind of emotional sacrifice to make (usually heartbreak in which the trust was broken in some way). This is someone that recognizes beauty and art. He probably as a knack for the arts (again, he’s in the music business). Because I already touched on Venus in the 12th. I’m going to discuss Jupiter and Pluto in the 12th. Jupiter in this house can act as a sort of hidden guardian. Keeping him safe from any hardships that he has to face in life. Jupiter makes it easier for him to face difficulties. This placement makes him very intuitive and compassionate. He’s always willing to comfort others. This placement also means that he doesn’t have to work to hard to understand the secrets of life, or he might have a hard time keeping secrets (not just his own, but those of others as well).  It’s possible that he feels that he has to hide his own beliefs. He could pretend to be following a completely different religion (or none at all) due to fear of being judged. He may deal with a lot of paranormal events, but things will usually turn out well. This placement can bring about miracles, and make him face many life changing spiritual experiences (which he’ll likely keep hidden  from most). Namjoon is a dreamer, someone that often thinks of ways to achieve world peace, he may try to find a way to make the world love more. Pluto in the 12th leads to him experiencing a very intense life. It can make a person experience a lot of unconscious transformations in their life. Many changes in beliefs. He likely has a lust for information and may try to keep some secrets. 12th house Pluto can give someone powerful enemies; enemies that obsess over a person, and the kind that have a lot of jealousy directed toward him (although he still has Jupiter, so maybe whatever this enemy is, it won’t be too bad for him). This placement can also indicate secret sexual affairs. When it comes to sex, Pluto is raw sexual energy, so it can mean that he has a lot ofsexual fantasies (often of things that may be usually be considered quite strange, but again he’ll probably try to keep these to himself).

[xephinatheeleven]

Sleep-Walking: 6 of 8

Word Count: 3,692

Summary: Part 6

Warnings: Fear, Painc

Pairings: Platonic Only!

———

Taking a deep breath to clear his mind, it was time to go see which of the other two he would be working with next. When he made his way into the commons, he couldn’t help but notice that Princey was the only one present.

The one in question glanced up as he entered the room, “hey Virge, did things go well with Logan?”

“It went better than I thought it would…granted, it was Logan, so there weren’t too many things that could have gone wrong,” he leaned against the stair-rail as he said the words.

The fanciful facet gave him a disapproving look, “don’t discredit yourself, Hot Topic. I’m sure you put in a lot of hard work to find different ways to help all of us with our fears.”

The gloomier figment shrugged, “I guess, but it wasn’t that hard, I just happen to be knowledgeable on the subject.” He glanced around the room, “I’m guessing that you're going next since I don’t see Patton anywhere nearby.”

The Prince seemed apprehensive but spoke as clearly as ever, “I suppose so; I think Patton is doing laundry right now.” He lowered his voice to a whisper, “between you and me, I think he is more nervous about talking with you than either Logan or I were.”

Virgil was a more than a bit taken aback by the claim and softened his voice to the same level as Roman’s, “Really? He is usually so open to us helping one another; I wouldn’t have expected him to be so freaked out about it.”

“I would have thought so too, but he has been elusive today, anytime I see him, he claims he’s too busy with chores to stop and talk. I think he’s using them as an excuse to keep himself occupied.” The creative persona had no reason to lie, but why would the father figure be so worried?

Anxiety brushed it off for the time being, he would work with Morality soon enough, but right now his focus needed to be on Princey. “I’ll talk to him later, as for you, let me go grab my notes and then I’ll meet you in the screening room.”

Thankfully the negative character didn’t have as much trouble finding the screening room as he had to the library’s seating-area. This time however, the side he was supposed to be helping was more than likely fashionably late. Knowing that Roman was going to be harder to get through to than Logan, the darker trait pulled his phone from his pocket and connected it wirelessly to the speakers. With a few taps on the screen, he pulled up a playlist he had created of softer show-tune waltzes, and more mellow Disney songs, playing them at an almost inaudible volume.

Just as he put the device back in his pocket, the Prince rushed in, “sorry I’m late!”

“Sit down, Sir Sing-a-Lot,” both of them chuckled at the name, clearing some of the tension from the air.

He opened his mouth to speak again, but his more-energetic counterpart beat him to it, “before you start on whatever speech you have planned, I have a few things I want to say.” Anxiety stayed silent and gestured for him to go on, “firstly, we haven’t spoken, just the two of us, since I fell down the stairs. That being said, without the pressure or influence of the others, I wanted to apologize to you again for the way I lashed out on you, no matter the circumstances, my actions were entirely unacceptable.”

“I told you before, that I don’t hold that against you, and I stand by that.” His words were true, though he couldn’t help but notice that the Prince had just addressed both his fears of imperfection and opinions without Virgil having to lead into the conversation. Aware that fears often required reassurance, he spoke again, “if it will make you feel better, I accept your apology.”

He sighed in relief, “thanks Virge…next, I want to thank you…I know that we haven’t been on the best of terms with each other in the past, but you're still willing to help me…and I appreciate that.”

The comment took the younger of the two by surprise, he hadn’t expected praise from the imaginative aspect, especially not before he had even started. “Y-You're welcome I guess…but I haven’t actually done anything yet.”

“I know, but you still agreed to help me, even when you didn’t have to…so thanks for that.” He was sheepish, but the fight-or-flight reflex suddenly realized that it was his third fear talking, being forgotten or ignored.

“Roman I’m going to knock out two birds with one stone here, you may not even know it, but you are thanking me for the same reason that you just apologized. If I’m right, because you lashed out on me, you expected me not to help you. Now be honest not just with me, but yourself as well, am I right?”

The fanciful manifestation looked at him with wide eyes, “how did you figure all of that out from two entirely unrelated statements?”

He actually gave Princey a genuine smile, a rare gesture to him, for fear of his picture being taken if he did so, “because you just did half of my job for me. In apologizing, you faced your fears of imperfection and opinions. Then by thanking me you brought up your fear, specifically of being ignored, but also forgotten.”

He stared at the observant facet, “I- I did- I mean- wh- how?”

“I’m going to act like I just understood anything you just said and continue.” He paused briefly, opening the binder, “like I said; you might not even realize you did this. By apologizing, again after I had already accepted your previous apology, you proved to me that you were afraid of the opinion I may have still held against you. You also addressed your fear of being imperfect by apologizing for an action of yours that you saw as wrong or unjust. Then you got to the fear that I thought I was going to have the hardest time bringing up by thanking me. You were scared that I wouldn’t help you because of the ordeal from the other night, so you were afraid that I was going to ignore you.” It wasn’t lost on Anxiety, that these were issues that were similar to the ones he had gone over with Thomas the night before.

The whimsical emotion blinked at him, momentarily silenced by awe. “When did you become a psychic?”

“When you guys started sleep-talking, you seem to forget that I have extensive notes on how you spoke and acted during those episodes.” He gave the older a knowing yet saddened look.

“Touché, Logan,” they both allowed themselves to lapse into laughter for a bit at the light-hearted insult.

When they regained their bearings, the negative embodiment went back to the reason they were there, “seriously though, through those two comments, you not only accepted but began to face your fears. In terms of the help you need with them, you're already miles ahead of the others. Flipping pages in the binder, he began crossing out topics and techniques that had already been proved unnecessary, eventually he pulled out a sheet and handed it to Roman. “You enjoy singing and acting, so I tried to incorporate that into some of the techniques and coping mechanisms for you to work on. For example, and I’ll tell you from experience, don’t use this one if you're already panicking, but if you're not sure of an opinion or reaction one of us has, act like us for a bit. Momentarily put yourself into our headspace and try to think like us, you know us well enough that you should be able to draw the correct conclusion from your interpretation of our personalities. If that doesn’t work or you find yourself too worked up to safely believe that you are right, do what you did when we started talking. Pull us to the side in a one-on-one environment and ask us about whatever it is that’s worrying you. I know that I wouldn’t be offended if you did, and I’m pretty sure the others wouldn’t be either. As for imperfections, one of the key things to keep in mind is that no one is perfect, trust me I know that sounds cliché, but it does help. You can also think of it this way, sure you made a mistake, but now you can say you learned from it, and you won't make the same one again, or you could think of a mistake that one of us has made in the past.”

The Prince had an aura of confusion about him, almost as if he were hesitant, “could you give me an example?”

If it weren’t for the sincerity in his tone, Virgil would have thought Roman was messing with him, but he seemed genuine. “An example of a mistake I’ve made is obvious…me trying to leave and quit my job as Anxiety.”

The visionary side caught on quickly to what he had just made the anxious trait say, “I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to bring that up again, I know you regret that- I mean- I- I’m just going to stop talking now.”

“Don’t worry about it, I know now that I’m needed, and that’s all that matters; I’m not going anywhere. It’s an extreme example, but it just goes to show that I learned from my mistake, so you can learn from yours as well.”

Princey was clearly calmed by the gentle yet confident way in which he said the words, but there were things he still didn’t understand, and his next question proved Anxiety’s suspicions correct. “Okay, so I get how I need to work on my fears and everything, but there is one thing I don’t get. How is this supposed to help the sleep-walking?”

The darker aspect was wondering which of the others was going to ask him that, “the somnambulism-” He changed course at the confused look in his friend’s eyes, “the sleep-walking isn’t going to go away overnight, but as you work through the fears, the nightmares won't plague you as much. That will make it so that you aren’t as restless and are less likely to get up and move around while you sleep. Until then however, I will be keeping watch over you guys to make sure that there are no more injuries.”

He seemed satisfied with the response, “good, because I do not want to fall down the stairs again.”

The negative facet smiled, “trust me I’m not going to let you or anyone else fall down the stairs again.”

There was a lull in the conversation, and the Prince looked at him astounded, “how long have there been show-tunes playing in the background?”

Virgil couldn’t help but laugh, “since before you ran into the room. Just like how I met with Logan in the library, so that he would feel more comfortable with the situation,” he pulled his phone from the pocket that held it. “I put on a playlist of show-tune waltzes and quieter Disney songs to make you feel more at ease.”

Touched by the small gesture he came to an apparent revelation, “that’s why I felt less nervous after I walked in.” He fell silent for a moment, listening to the music, so the fight-or-flight reflex turned up the volume slightly. “This…this is The Carousel Waltz by…by…I am ashamed that I can't think of the composers’ names.”

He answered before he knew what he was even doing, “it’s Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein II; they also did compositions for Flower Drum Song, The King and I, South Pacific, and a range of others.”

“That’s it!” Roman took on an incredulous inflection, “since when do you know so much about musicals and Broadway?”

The observant persona listened to the piece for a while longer before replying, “just like with Disney, I too am a Broadway fan.”

“You?” The Prince sounded pleased as opposed to the mocking tone he’d had in the Dark Side of Disney video. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner, what is your favorite musical? What’s your favorite song?”

He was taken aback not only by the barrage of questions, but also from the positive nature of the conversation that differed so much from the similar one they had had previously. He was actually quite pleased that they had both grown up to the point that he could have such a discussion with someone, who at one time had been his enemy. “Well, my favorite musical is The Sound of Music. I didn’t say it then, but I actually caught on to the name you called me at breakfast yesterday, it was pretty clever…‘Captain Von Snapp’ was it?”

Princey turned bright red, “y-you knew what that was from?” The embarrassment he felt was thankfully quickly replaced by excitement, “never mind, that is a brilliant movie, why is it your favorite though?”

He gave the other a playful grin, and impersonated his over the top reaction from the Disney video, “because Julie Andrews is a beautiful goddess and because I can…o-okay!” They were laughing so hard that Virgil barely managed to choke out the last word. When they finally recovered from the near hysteria, he gave his more honest answer, “while Julie Andrews is amazing in the role, I’ve always liked the movie. I guess if I had to come up with a reason, other than the music, it would have to be how the children bond with Maria, even though they were against her in the beginning.” The fanciful character caught on to the deeper meaning in the words, but stayed silent on the matter as he continued, “as for my favorite song? I know it’s unexpected, but ‘Edelweiss’ is a really good one. From other movies, I also enjoy ‘Wouldn’t It Be Loverly’ from ‘My Fair Lady’, ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ from ‘Carousel’.” He stopped, debating whether or not the next counted, but decided it did, “as for my real favorite it’s actually Disney…‘Feed the Birds’ from ‘Mary Poppins’.”

“I never would have guessed that you liked those songs, they’re mostly waltzes…I’ve never heard you listening to them before.” He came across as inquisitive as if genuinely curious as to why he had never heard the songs coming from Anxiety’s room.

“They aren’t exactly loud in comparison to some of the rock music I listen to…and to be honest, I knew if anyone heard me listening to them, it would draw attention.” He knew the reason was stupid, but it was the truth.

Roman smiled understandingly, “wouldn’t want that would we? Anyway, you must join me one evening to watch some of these movies! I’ll make up an excuse for the others as to what you're doing.”

The darker side didn’t notice until the offer was made, that he did in fact like the idea of having movie nights. He was tired of listening to the beautiful musicals at such low volume so as not to alert the others to what he was watching. It would also give him something to do, and he would finally have something, other than fears in common with his imaginative counterpart. “I might just take you up on that offer,” he pulled a small case from his binder, “and we can start with this one.”

Princey took the object that was offered to him, a dopy grin playing on his face, “this is ‘West Side Story’…one of my favorites.” He looked up at the negative trait with tears in his eyes, “I broke my DVD about a month ago, and I was so disappointed that I didn’t have this movie anymore…how did you know?”

“You said you can hear music coming from my room, well I can hear music coming for yours too. You would watch that movie every few nights, and suddenly I stopped hearing it all together…I’ll admit I was a bit disappointed by that myself, and then, a few days later, I saw the case and the shattered disk in the trash. I was going to wait to give this to you until your birthday, but I know that a musical can help my mental state, so I figured it would more than likely do the same for you.”

The whimsical aspect pulled him into a hug, something he hadn’t expected, “thank you so much, Virgil.” He released the younger facet, who promptly straightened his hoodie around his shoulders. “It means a lot that you noticed and did this for me. We must watch it together one night this week, no excuses!”

“No problem buddy, and I’m looking forward to it, just tell me when; I’ll bring the popcorn.” He suspected that the Prince would have been clapping in excitement if it weren’t for his sprained wrist. The gloomier embodiment allowed himself, for just a moment, to indulge in the sense of joy he so rarely felt, but both of them were caught off guard by the familiar tugging sensation that meant Thomas was summoning them.

He immediately began to worry, their host knew that they were going to be working on the nightmares today, and had promised not to disturb them. What could be so important, that he would go back on his word, and call them to the real-world anyway? What was wrong? The two shared a brief, but concerned glance before syncing out of the mind-palace.

When they appeared, Logic was already there, but what shocked them all was the presence of Joan and Talyn. They were almost never called upon when Thomas’s friends were around, but both wore expressions reflecting worry and pain. They almost looked relieved when the sides showed up.

Before they could say anything, it was Thomas who spoke in a mocking tone, “well if it isn’t Over-Reaction and Disillusion coming to join Mr. Cold-Hearted over there.” They were all left speechless from the insults the online personality spat at them so easily.

“Thomas!” Talyn looked horrified as they expressed what the others were unable to, “what has gotten into you?”

As the two continued to bicker, Joan moved to address the traits, “he’s been acting like this since we got here, and we don’t know what’s wrong with him. We thought you guys might know, or be able to figure something out.”

The intellectual glanced from Joan to Thomas and back again, “so you and Talyn summoned us? I didn’t even know that was possible, how did you manage it?”

Roman’s voice was the next to rise into the air, it had lost any sense of laughter it had had only moments ago, “I think we've got more important things to worry about right now.”

“Yes we summoned you, but we were trying to call all of you…where’s Patton?” When Joan said the name, all of them looked to where the moral aspect usually stood, and dread fell across Anxiety as if someone had draped a cold washcloth on the back of his neck. His mind began racing a mile-a-minute, where was he? If they had all been summoned, then why wasn’t he here with them? He would be the one capable of reprimanding their host for his actions and helping him to see a better path.

His thoughts were cut short at the sound of Talyn yelling, “fine then!” They walked over to Joan, who pulled them into an embrace, and that’s when he noticed the tears in their eyes. Talyn had always been the sweetest and most understanding of Thomas’s friends; and for him to say something that brought them to tears like this was going too far.

Seeing the different looks that their host, his friends, and his colleagues had was enough to bring Virgil to a heart-stopping realization. “No, no, no!”

The others turned to him, each with varying levels of confusion, but it was Roman who took up the voice of what they collectively felt, “Virgil, what’s wrong? Do you know what’s going on?”

He sighed, running his hands though his hair, “I might…Roman, you said you didn’t see Patton much while I was working with Logan, right?” The visionary facet nodded, “Logan did you see him at all while I was working with Roman?”

The rational personification straightened his glasses, “not that I can recall. Now that you mention it, I did find it odd that all of the chores had been done, and yet Patton was nowhere to be found.”

The observant attribute put his head in his hands, he could feel the panic clawing at his chest, but he pushed it away. He was the only one that had any clue as to what was going on, and the capability to mend the situation; he just hoped he was wrong. Looking up, he faced Joan and Talyn, “can you deal with him for a bit longer? Make sure he doesn’t get on social media and offend his fans?”

The severity of Anxiety’s tone wasn’t lost on Joan as they glanced over to Thomas, “sure, but what’s wrong?”

He took a deep breath in an attempt to slow his racing thoughts, “we need to go back to the mindscape…I should have noticed this sooner! All of the signs were there!” He growled the second-half of the statement to himself, furious for his own blatancy.

“Noticed what sooner?” Princey seemed ready to draw his sword, but no physical action could fight nightmares.

“I know what’s going on…I didn’t realize his nightmares were that bad though.” He tried to stop himself from shaking, “Patton’s fears consist of being alone, abandoned, isolation, solitude, and loneliness…his most common phrase when sleep-walking was…was ‘please don’t make me leave.’” Joan and Talyn didn’t know what he was talking about, and he didn’t have time to tell them, but both the creative and logical sides had an aura of worry draped over them. “If I’m right, and I hope I’m not…Patton has ducked out the way I did…he left before we…we could make him leave.”

—–

Tag List:

@a-snoway-afternoon

@jay-wants-to-be-a-paladin

@julia6181

@lovelyyoonglebear

@lucifer-in-my-head

@opalwings915

@the-psycho-pie​

@wewillsurvivethistoo

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!

—–

Parts:

Part 1:

https://virgil-the-dark-strange-son.tumblr.com/post/173455772949/sleep-walking-part-1-of-8

Part 2:

https://virgil-the-dark-strange-son.tumblr.com/post/173455778169/sleep-walking-2-of-8

Part 3:

https://virgil-the-dark-strange-son.tumblr.com/post/173456061404/sleep-walking-3-of-8

Part 4:

https://virgil-the-dark-strange-son.tumblr.com/post/173519794834/sleep-walking-4-of-8

Part 5:

https://virgil-the-dark-strange-son.tumblr.com/post/173591178399/sleep-walking-5-of-8

[le-koko-butter-blog]

John's Erotic Self. TFP meta reading.

Introduction

I recently re-watched The Final Problem and jotted down some notes regarding things I have yet to read in other meta here on tumblr. Perhaps, they are addressed on someone's blog but I have yet to come across it. Now, I can be completely and utterly wrong. As I was writing it, it felt super duper meta but it made a lot of sense to me. Feel free to add or correct what I have written. I'm putting this out here for a discussion about the text.

In order to even read this, you have to subscribe to or entertain the idea that TFP is from John's mind bungalow perspective. If you aren't of this opinion, you'll likely think everything I am saying is nothing but embellished bullshit. I assure you, I'm being entirely sincere.

The notes follow the events as they are laid out in the episode since I wrote down bullet points as I was watching. I was going to include pictures but alas, I am lazy.

Analysis

The Final Problem displays every genre but romance and yet, in its entirety it is a romance. There was a post going around that compared the cinematic shots to other films. The dialogue and the music are also genre-specific. I was tipped off initially because of the outrageous clown sequence at the beginning. I thought that they would go through all the movie genres and end up in romance but they did the opposite. This baffled me and made me lose confidence that I knew what the hell was going on (that was just the tip of the iceberg). There was no romance, partly because all the genre switches serve a function to highlight the fact that indeed BBC Sherlock is a romance as we have always known ever since S1E1. Of course, there is a lot of meta out there already talking about how the show is perceived versus how it really is. (I suspect that that Bond article Gattiss replied to was planted just to put the idea of Bond and shitty movies into our head).

If we also extend this to John's mind, the fact that he deliberately avoids romance is pretty telling. He's afraid to even consider it in fear of its implication. I think this is the theme to the whole episode. Romance is just another word for erotic love. We tend to think of it as something naughty or bad and certainly John has this assumption but Eros as a type of love is named explicitly to separate it from the other types. We are tipped off that Eurus is a Greek name. Well so is Eros. Eros is the erotic love (hence the root word), philia is friendship, agape is like a broader kind of love, a love for humanity, that Jesus kind of love. You can easily google this if you're interested.

Eurus=John erotic self. This is not a stretch. In T6T they made the phonetic leap from ammo to amo. This seems a bit of a reach honestly since these are two common words. To me it's like bowl and bowel. Perhaps I have this impression since I live in a city that has a high population of Spanish speakers. I would also think it is somewhat common knowledge for English speakers. This is just an assumption of course. The phonetic link between Eurus and Eros is less of a stretch since the pronunciation of Eurus sounds almost the same as Eros to many of us. The actors routinely pronounced it differently since that round gutteral Euuurr sound is a bit difficult. I can't say it without mimicking her voice. 

Going forward with the idea that Eurus is John's erotic self, it's interesting to note that Eurus looks a lot like Sherlock compared to her other disguises. She has a wonderful mass of black curly hair that starkly contrasts her vibrant blue eyes. This is interesting since John has only seen her with reddish hair as the girl on the bus, light brown hair as the therapist, and coming from Sherlock's report, blonde hair when she was pretending to be Faith. 

In the initial scene at 221B, I noticed the painting of a man that is directly behind John in the living room is dark. Now, I'm sorta new to tjlc so I'm not sure if you guys decoded this already. I always thought it looked like John or a young William Shatner (The Kirk/Spock thing again?). We don't get a good look at it but it's a white man with blondish short hair. From my recollection, it's always lit. Curiously, it's dark in TFP. Perhaps, this represents John in some way. It's dark suggesting that's he's unconscious. I could be reading into it though. You all tend to be better with the sets. 

Under the assumption that Sherrinford=sherlock, one may assume that Sherrinford is a code word for Sherlock that Mycroft uses and not an actual place. And is it just me or the goddamn place looks like a penis? Anyhow, Eurus is kept secure deep in Sherrinford. Deep, deep down there is that erotic love (Eurus) at the center of John's image of Sherlock. At least, that's how I read it. Perhaps I am off.

 The next scene is in the plane. There is an empty baby seat in the aisle. The little girl looks at it briefly. I of course, think this is baby Rosie in some way. It's interesting that it's empty. I'm not sure what this symbolizes yet. Perhaps it's saying the babe ain't real or perhaps it represents the betrayal of Mary or the emptiness of John's life as a father married to Mary.

 Another interesting thing that I noticed is that throughout the episode all the deductions are freaking absurd. They sound more like the jokes that people throw at Sherlock, like did you know what college I went to by the coffee stain on my shirt? That kind of stupidity. I think that's another clue that we are in John's mind because John's isn't really able to follow Sherlock's deductions. They seem to make sense but not really. They are terribly far fetched.

 Now, you can totally disagree with me on this next point. But I believe the violin playing=sex. As soon as Sherlock plays his own song, Eurus interprets it instantly as sex even though the song sounds absolutely nothing like sex. It's rather somber. But we should recognize it as Irene's theme. John in TLD mocked Sherlock asking him if they had random sexual rendezvous. He's suspicious and massively jealous that Sherlock has had sex with Irene.

Eurus says something so interesting in this scene. She says something along the line that "The man who sees through everything, doesn't see it." In the dream world it's the glass. This of course, is laughable to us as the audience but just for second, think what it means symbolically. She keeps directing him to it, but he can't see it. Sherlock's super observant but for some reason he can't tell that John wants him, can't tell that the glass isn't really there. Oddly enough, the company is elephant glass. John is aware that he desires Sherlock and can't believe that Sherlock who can read other people so easily can't see this.

This little exchange between them is fascinating to me because there is an element of philosophy here that isn't totally ridiculous like the stuff we've heard from her before. My personal favorite is the whole shitey lot is "happiness is a pop song, sadness is poem." Like ok, what next level emo shit is that? The dialogue that I find interesting is when Sherlock mentions that her playing is beautiful. She says she doesn't know if it's beautiful, only that it's right. Sherlock then replies that they are often the same thing. Eurus immediately answers then what's the point of beauty? So to Sherlock, all things beautiful are right. However, Eurus doesn't believe that they are the same thing. Some things are beautiful and wrong. Now, John recognizes the beauty in Sherlock (this sounds corny but it is after all, a necessity to romance) but at this point John thinks his desire for Sherlock is wrong. It isn't right. He's beautiful but it isn't morally right.

Much has been said about the awful rape lines and I agree with what has been posited by other bloggers that John is further demonizing his sexuality since John is likely bisexual. 

Simultaneously, John, Mycroft, and the governor are sitting in the dude's office talking about Eurus' mind control. I think besides the obvious genre level stupidity that we see in many Hollywood films, I think for the meta, it is saying that giving Eurus your attention will compromise you, meaning giving attention to your dark sexual thoughts compromises oneself, and subsequently makes one dangerous and out of control. It's not uncommon for people to link sexual desire with the inability to control oneself. I think this further demonizes John's desire. The only practical solution is to ignore it altogether. They really don't have the option though since Eurus won't be ignored any longer.

Going back to the convo between Sherlock and his sister, John further demonizes his sexuality, turning something beautiful into something horrible. Eurus mentions Sherlock's laugh. She says it's her favorite thing. John must love the sound of Sherlock's laughter. She talks about making him laugh all night and it makes you wonder if Sherlock and John stayed up all night laughing and John all the while was extremely sexually aroused by him. This seems almost like it would be a tender moment between Eurus and Sherlock but Eurus (/John) immediately switches this to screaming. John thinks his desire would harm Sherlock in some way.

But it doesn't really matter because again, Eurus is taking over the prison and John is losing his ability to control his desire although he fights it. When Eurus finally attacks Sherlock she screams for everyone to come in and stop her from killing Sherlock. John is evidently fighting with himself.

Finally Moriarty (the manifestation of all evil gayness) shows up. What's interesting is the Queen song. People have already talked about the song's themes and what it says about coming out and embracing your sexuality. But Moriarty, the evil gay takes out the earbuds right before the word 'love.' John is still unable to see that these desires can be connected to love. His homosexual desire can in no way be connected to love. This is why all the villains in the episode are queer coded because John villain codes all queerness. One thing that strikes me is how Sherlock is interestingly less flamboyant in this episode. Like this is the same guy who used the phase "alarming shade of pink" and z-snapped as he screamed to some rando at the bar that he knew ash.  

But anyway! Back to TFP. In the flashback, the glass is clearly there when Moriarty meets Eurus. Her reflection can easily be seen. I wonder what the glass is supposed to symbolize. I wonder if it's some form of truth. The glass is not there when Eurus, John's erotic self is visited by Sherlock because there really is nothing separating them but it's present when Moriarty shows up. Moriarty and Eurus although supposedly want each other, they actually, in truth don't touch. This is perhaps a stretch. I'm just theorizing here. This just may have to do with the fact that Eurus doesn't think to take over the prison until Moriarty shows up. Not that that makes sense or anything. The surface plot of TFP makes little sense.

A random aside: Eurus mentions a so called brother of Moriarty and says he's as stationmaster. I wonder if in John's mind he is thinking of Culverton Smith.

The killing of the Governor's wife instance is really interesting because I honestly believe that it's about Mary. She is the wife after all. John curiously, is unable to kill the guy. I thought he would be able to honestly, since he is soldier and has killed people and really only a fool would think not executing the guy would not end up in the wife's death as well. But what's significant for John is he can't go against his moral code (this is brought up a couple times in the ep). He can't go against it even if it results in causalities such as the wife's death. You can certainly guess what option he'd make in those stupid hypothetical train games. 

Mary is brought up and the Gov asks what he would do to bring her back. John doesn't answer. What are we supposed to deduce about what really happened to Mary? I don't know if I'm looking at this too deeply but Mary's death and John's involvement is freaking fishy (that wasn't an aquarium pun btw). Also later on the 3 Garidebbs room, John shouts that his "priorities got a woman killed." Hmmm....

 Now to the Garrideb scene: There is red paint on the walls. I hope its paint and not blood. Mycroft mentions that it is still fresh. This reminds me of the text in T6T, "fresh paint to hide a smell."  There's a huge window with an ocean in the background. I think it's already been established that water is feeling. This isn't unique to the show. That's actually a rather old belief. That's why the water zodiac signs, Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio are thought to be ruled by their emotions. The deductions Sherlock and Mycroft here again make no sense. At least to me they don't. They deduce that the guy had laser eye surgery because of his nice clothing. This is absurd. Again, John doesn't quite understand the route of Sherlock's thinking.  

 The Garrideb story is literally and figuratively dangling in front of the viewer under the clear assumption they would know the significance of this story to Doyle's canon and yet, they gloss over it. I think they were trying to rip the heart out of everything and make it just a cold, boring case with forced stakes.

Afterwards, John is furious and Sherlock turns to him and says "Don't let Eurus distract you. Soldiers today." The soldiers thing comes off super bro, no homo and I think in a way it's meant to. John was an actual soldier. Largely being a soldier is about "duty," selflessness, and suppression for the greater good-well, supposedly. If John thinks of his desire for Sherlock as selfish and bad, he would naturally repress it under the guise of being a soldier. If you remember at Sherlock's grave in TRF, one of the most heartbreaking and powerful things John does is straighten up and stand like a soldier. You could see him crumbling underneath this futile attempt at control.

They then enter the next room and discuss the little girl on the plane. They agree that they have to get the girl to crash or land in the sea. Again, the sea and water are symbols for emotion. Later we find out that the little girl is Eurus. Eurus is John. So, it is really John that has to land in the water. He has no other choice. The only thing is whether or not Sherlock will save him or doom him.  

Next to the infamous "I love you" scene. I sincerely believe the coffin is clearly John's. The headroom shouldn't be unnecessary so why does Sherlock cut off a couple of inches? Maybe I don't understand coffins. He deduces that it's Molly because she's unmarried, practical about death, and alone...Why can't this be Irene Adler? There is no real logic in the deduction to be Molly. Most of what he says from the coffin before Mycroft looks at the lid is downright dumb speculation honestly. He assumes that it's cheap and therefore the person is unloved. One can easily say their family was poor. But anyways, it's a dream and John believes that Sherlock pulls shit out of thin air. All that really matters is that Molly is a mirror for John. She's loved Sherlock forever or at least John thinks so. The first time he meets Sherlock, Molly comes in with coffee and Sherlock remarks cruelly that her lips are too small. John could tell that Molly liked Sherlock. Molly to me comes off super ooc. She's usually rather mousey but she's somewhat forward and aggressive in TFP. She has more traits of John than she normally has. I think what's important is that she's always loved him and John has always loved Sherlock. All the ASIP reminders as well as Sherlock running up the stairs at Lauristan Gardens in HLV's mind palace to get back to John the first time he left him suggests that the two were in love at first sight. (I would love to discuss this further but I feel that someone already wrote meta on this).

 However, like John, Molly needs Sherlock to say it first. People have already discussed this, John in addition, is super emotional in this scene. Of course, he cares for Molly but he just looks downright dejected especially after the confession.

 "Saved Molly Hooper?" This line rings awful and trite. But they are utilizing the themes of genre and all it's cliches. I think what this line is actually saying about John is that he is afraid of love, he thinks it will destroy him no matter how it happens, through his own death or through the heartbreak that Sherlock doesn't really love him, that even if Sherlock says it to him, it'd be forced and empty. He thinks he's meaningless to Sherlock the way Molly thought she was meaningless to Sherlock in TRF. Again, the discussion of John's lack of self-worth has been largely discussed.

 A random aside. Molly's message machine: Dead Center of Town? Is that a morgue joke? The timer is also really incorrect and suggestive of a dream. I may be wrong about this but that last 30 seconds felt super long.

 The next scene is where Sherlock has to shoot one of them. Mycroft's words are of course how John sees himself especially in relation to Sherlock who he practically worships. He thinks he's a "stupid little man, little scrap of ordinariness," and that Sherlock can easily "find another". Again people talked about this before in other posts.

 What's interesting and also infuriating about this scene is that John doesn't actually do anything. Throughout the episode he merely gets dragged along.  His inaction is glaring when Sherlock puts a gun to himself and John doesn't intervene. This is his dream and he can't control his subconscious. Again, he thinks Eurus (his desire) is an unstoppable threat to Sherlock.

 Also, I kinda like this scene despite John's silence because it shows how underneath all his annoyance with Mycroft, John thinks he is a good guy.

The music as well, sounds straight up like a Bond movie during this scene. I'm not familiar with Bond but it sounds like the stuff they have playing during the trailers.

After they all hilariously get darted, Sherlock wakes up in that room with the cut up pictures on the wall of Sherlock and Mycroft's child selves. Escaping from his confines, Sherlock literally breaks down the four walls. Others have stated that not only is this a call back to the queen music video but this is metaphorical to what the episode and the creators are doing, breaking  down the so called 4th wall and interacting with the audience.

Meanwhile, John is in a deep well, chained to the bottom submerged in water. Again water is feeling, water is love. John is chained to the bottom drowning in his love but Sherlock can't reach him. It's hidden in some place no one knows where, no one but Eurus. So the key to saving John from the well is Eurus, the key to saving John from drowning in his love for Sherlock is reconciling with John's erotic self. In less fancy terms, if John doesn't have sex with Sherlock he will figuratively drown in his overwhelming love for him. This show is so over the top dramatic in its romance that I am inclined to believe it is actually a 15 year old gay boy's modern angst filled Sherlock AU. But I'm all for it, it's so damned romantic I can hardly think about it before my mind explodes. This is also why the rope which is actually a chain btw saves him even though he was chained to the bottom of the well. Because the thing that John thought was oppressing him, the thing he thought was evil, his erotic desire is actually the thing that saves him. How fucking sexy is that?

Meanwhile, Sherlock confronts his crazy Charlie Manson sister. She threatens him to solve the final problem (Find redbeard through the song). Meanwhile the plane is shaking around the same time that the well is filing in with water. The scenes are shot back to back, connecting them, solidifying that the little girl is John. They are both crying for help.

Sherlock then realizes that Redbeard is actually Victor. We can tell by looking at the little kid that that kid is John. So, Redbeard=Victor=John. But Sherlock can't get to him until he reconciles with Eurus. Interestingly, Eurus compares herself to no one. She felt like she was no one. She was neglected, ignored. But in order to save John, Sherlock needs to connect to Eurus. It's the like most anti-no homo thing ever. There's no platonic blah blah. Connecting John's desire and John's love are essential for his survival. In fact, all of them are the same thing. They are all John. It is worth noting that everything is John but everything is about Sherlock.

Again, when we have the flashbacks of Victor, Eurus is talking about the deep water, how Sherlock always finds himself here. The deep water though, in my opinion is almost always John expressing his love for Sherlock.  We get a flashback of the pool and the Reichenbach falls. At the pool in the Great Game, John with a chest full of explosives attempts to sacrifice himself for Sherlock. Sherlock is startled by this and it's probably the first time that Sherlock knew that John cared for him. During The Abominable Bride, John shows up at the Reichenbach falls and saves Sherlock. Interestingly, the dark blue water from the aquarium bounces off Sherlock's face in the close up with the black back drop sequence suggesting perhaps that John protected Sherlock again at the aquarium. Maybe this has something to do with Mary again?

The song was addressed in an earlier post where someone impressively decoded it, realizing that the "I'm lost without your love" was added by Sherlock because just before you thought it couldn't get insanely more romantic, it had to go another mile. I still don't understand what the "seek my room." part is supposed to mean. Maybe it refers to something literal in the real world or perhaps it's sexually suggestive.  What's super important though is that Sherlock knows at this moment that the little girl in the plane is Eurus. This is essential to solving the final problem and saving John Watson. The little girl is the link between the different sides of John, the "friend" part of him, the Redbeard/Victor John and the "erotic" Eurus John. The girl is the both of them. The plane metaphor is where the literal falling in love thing comes in to play. John is falling in love and has been but he's so afraid of landing. He's so afraid of what it would do to him. He thinks it ends in death. He needs Sherlock to coax him through the landing. Cause yes, again it just gets even more fucking romantic.

 When Sherlock delivers the line "Open your eyes," it brought shivers down my spine. I bet money that is super prominent in the 4th episode.

He keeps saying, "this time get it right." It's referring to her killing Victor but it harkens again back to what is probably a bitch load of regrets John has, especially in marrying Mary and never acting on his feelings for Sherlock.

Then there is the Greg scene and the corny great guy, good guy thing that references ASIP. It just shows again what John thinks of Sherlock. This echoes again the "who you think I am is who I want to be" speech in TLD. Sherlock had always wanted to be the hero John thinks he is. In this scene, we see that John sincerely thinks that he already is this guy.

The whole "Emotional Context" thing is also important. Eurus kept bringing this up throughout the episode. John says to Sherlock in this scene that Sherlock gave her what she needed, emotional context and then says, "It is what it is." (The fkn johnlock line).  What John needed to realize what that the emotional context is central in accepting his erotic self. He needed to realize that his love for Sherlock is not impure just because he desires him. That in fact, a central part of that love is the desire. Consider as well that Sherrinford is surrounded by a huge ocean, a symbol of John's deep love for Sherlock.

The ending is weird as hell. There's a long violin duet between Sherlock and Eurus. I wonder what song they are playing. It sounds gothic as all hell. He plays a part, she repeats it, and then they play in concert together. Often people link love making to music. It sounds weird and gross since it's his sister but it's not really his sister.

Then there is the dreaded Mary speech. She is completely wrong about Sherlock and John. Someone said that Mary is heteronormativity and I agree. John thinks that he should be this straight guy who gets married and has babies, who occasionally gets to go on adventures with his bro. I'm not sure why they decided to end it this way. Maybe it's because the show is showing everything that it isn't, starting with the obvious genre switch, the ooc-ness, and the massive amount of plotholes. It appears like a shitty horror/action flick when in fact, it's actually a romance. All the characters are ooc but they really are presenting certain aspects of the characters (mostly different elements of john), and the plotholes are actually carefully laid out either to aid the genre switch or to add a physical image in the episode of feelings and thoughts (the chain for example).  Once you think it's symbolic and from John's Mind Bungalow, everything actually has it's place.

 Oh and the fucking dummy...what the hell, I feel like that's a symbol for me. After watching the episode over I can't believe I took it's seriously. It's actually so ridiculous that I'm shocked I took it at face value. I actually laughed a lot the second time around. That whole "Which one is pain" statement was so downright dumb and reminiscent of shitty teen horror flicks that I feel I should immediately have been alerted. But I was too invested in Johnlock that I just wanted them to kiss. I didn't want to think. I didn't care about the plot honestly.

On a final note, the Mary monologue also represents what history has done to Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, kept them imprisoned in this little box, forcing them from realizing who they ACTUALLY are which of course, is gay lovers. ^_-

 If you come across this, please share with other interested meta writers who might have something to add or correct me on. Most of what I've written are musings. I still think I need to watch all 3 episodes in order again to flesh out my ideas but I thought some of y'all might be interested. 

[peterabell]

Robin McAlpine: The indy movement needs a story – here's one that can win

CommonSpace columnist and Common Weal director Robin McAlpine says it's time for Scotland to write its story of independence

Peter A Bell's insight:

It is hardly surprising that Robin McAlpine’s non-political friends are hearing an independence “story” that is about the status quo and stopping change “so we can go back to the way things used to be”. Why would they not hear this? It’s what he’s telling them the independence story has become. He’s peddling a story about the story. That is what his friends, and many others, are hearing.

 But is this story accurate? How reliable is Robin’s account of the way things are? Perhaps we can get a clue from his account of the way things were.

 According to Robin, the Yes side in the first independence referendum campaign had “basically” two stories. There was the “official” story; which he characterises as overly cautious and a bit wishy-washy. Then there was the story being told by the “wider movement”; which is portrayed as bolder and more visionary and more aspirational.

 Is that how it was? Is that how you remember it? Does Robin’s version even accord with known facts? He warns that “we're surprisingly good at filtering out any information which doesn't fit with our story”. Presumably, he doesn’t regard himself as immune from this tendency to make the facts fit our preferred story. And isn’t this precisely what Robin is doing with his claim that the “official” line was simply, 'the best people to make a decision about a place are the people who live there'?

Really? Scotland didn’t even get a mention in this official story? No wonder it was “ineffectual”!

 This was certainly part of the story being told by the SNP and Yes Scotland. But it is disingenuous, at best, to pretend that it was the whole story.

 I’m looking at the foreword to Scotland’s Future. Which, for our purposes. may be regarded as the text of that official story. I’m reading the following,

 “If we vote No, Scotland stands still. A once in a generation opportunity to follow a different path, and choose a new and better direction for our nation, is lost. Decisions about Scotland would remain in the hands of others.

 With independence we can make Scotland the fairer and more successful country we all know it should be. We can make Scotland's vast wealth and resources work much better for everyone in our country, creating a society that reflects our hopes and ambition.”

 This story is repeated a number of times in the White Paper. It is, if you like, the core message of the document. In what way is it different from what Robin tells us was the alternative story?

“Scots like a fairer, more equal society and Westminster doesn't so if you want to live better, we have to escape.”

 It’s the same story! Different words! Same message!

Robin brands the official version ineffectual because it “simply didn't speak to people about their lives, their situations, their futures”. He castigates the “cautious strategists”, accusing them of being “too scared to come up with an actual story – you know, with a beginning, a middle and an end, a hero and a villain”.

 But the two stories - official and alternative - are all but identical. So, to whatever extent the story was the problem, it was a story as told by the entire Yes movement. A claim which, if even remotely accurate, has implications for the ongoing independence campaign far beyond anything identified by Robin McAlpine.

 Robin dismisses the official story as “an attempt to create a blank page for your own story, as if saying 'Scotland can make its own mind up' would be met by millions of thought bubbles popping up as people fill in the rest for themselves”. But isn’t that exactly what happened? Isn’t it the case that the alternative, or wider, Yes movement which he compares with the official SNP/Yes Scotland campaign is simply this process of “thought bubbles popping up” made manifest?

 And, crucially, was the official story not absolutely necessary in order to get people believing that they actually could “fill in the rest for themselves”?

 And what of Robin’s portrayal of this “wider movement” as a single, unified entity telling a story that was both significantly different from and far superior to the official one? That’s certainly not what I saw. What I saw was an uncounted number of groups, sub-groups and factions all offering different versions of the story’s ending, while leaving the beginning and middle all but unmentioned. I saw lots of people talking about being independent without ever addressing the far from minor matter of becoming independent.

 I saw an estate of factories in which ‘righteous radicals’ laboured to churn out a plethora of branded policy options for an independent Scotland, until there were so many answers one could barely discern the question.

 Not that there was necessarily anything wrong with having these options, or even with the policies themselves. It’s just that independence came to be defined in so many ways that it wasn’t actually defined at all. It was so many different things, it was nothing. Or, at least, nothing that anybody could be sure of. Thus, the anti-independence strategy of generating uncertainty was augmented and reinforced by large parts of the Yes campaign. Was that not the real problem?

 The alternative story was told at expense of the official story. But was it even a real alternative? Towards the end of his presentation to the recent Scottish Independence Convention (SIC) conference, in which he spoke with all his customary erudition, eloquence and passion about that particular subset of ‘answers’ being offered by Common Weal, Robin McAlpine said something which may well have been missed by the larger part of his audience. It was a remark made in a manner which suggested, to my ear at least, that it was off-the-cuff and not part of his prepared speech. Be that as it may, the substance of the aside was that he would hope to persuade Nicola Sturgeon of the merit of his case and convince her that the Common Weal proposals should inform a new ‘official’ story.

 Implicit in this remark is acceptance of a critical truth. A truth which, to my delight and relief, was very heavily emphasised by several speakers at the SIC conference that day - notably, Tommy Sheppard. I refer to the fact that our First Minister, our Scottish Government and, by necessary implication, the SNP are absolutely crucial to the process of becoming independent. It won’t be Robin McAlpine facing the British Prime Minister across the table when it comes to the negotiations following a Yes vote. It won’t be Patrick Harvie. It certainly won’t be an informal committee with a rotating convener representing a collective of Yes stakeholders, civic Scotland and a broad spectrum of opinion. Even if you don’t regard the latter as a vision of hell, it’s just not how British politics works. And independence must be won within the British political system. Because, until we create a better one, it’s the only system there is.

 The one who’ll be confronting the British prime Minister is Nicola Sturgeon. Because she has the mandate from the people of Scotland to do the job. And it will be a confrontation. Independence is not given, it has to be seized. It has to be wrenched from the jealous grasp of established power. The British state will fight to the last ditch to maintain the integrity of its structures of power, privilege and patronage. So Nicola Sturgeon is going to need every scintilla of support we can possibly muster.

 We should be grateful to Robin McAlpine for bringing this reality to our attention. Even if it was not quite what he intended.

We owe him thanks also for a couple of things we can take from his article about the story needed by the independence movement. He has pointed to a significant issue with the first Yes campaign. And he has pointed the way forward for the next one.

 There were not two different independence stories. There was only the official story, and lots of alternative endings to that story. The official story was about winning the power to chose from among those endings. That official story was not deficient or defective. It was just incomplete. But it was incomplete because it couldn’t be otherwise. Nobody has the authority to write the ending to that story but the people of Scotland. And they will be writing it long after we’re all gone.

 The problem was not with the official story, but with the insistence among sections of the Yes movement that there were two stories. And that they were competing stories. There was an all too prevalent attitude that the alternative story was in opposition to the official story. And this opposition was all too often expressed in language barely distinguishable from that deployed by the British state’s anti-independence propaganda machine. Some, particularly those on the left, were so preoccupied with finding points of disagreement with the official story that they lost sight of the fact that they were in total agreement with its essentials.

 The unavoidable conclusion is that the next Yes campaign needs to have just one story. A story that everybody can tell without compromising the ending that they favour. What we must realise is that we had that story already. This is precisely what the the official story was in the first referendum campaign. It is the story as told in Scotland’s Future.

 To claim that the story lacked a beginning and a middle is to misrepresent it. In reality, it had the same beginning and middle as the alternative story. To condemn that story for not having an ending is to denigrate it for not being something it was never intended to be, and never could be. It was a story about becoming independent. It couldn’t have an ending for the rather obvious reason that he story about being independent doesn’t have an ending. It is a story that is constantly being written by the people of Scotland. The point of the official story was to bring people to the realisation that they have the power to write that story themselves. And to write it differently. The alternative story differed only in that it was an attempt to write the ending now. It wasn’t actually an alternate story. It was the same story, but with a huge amount of stuff added on.

Not that this stuff was, or is, unimportant. It’s just not important as part of the story the Yes campaign should be telling. It is something that runs alongside that story. It is supplementary to the official story, not in conflict with it.

 The other thing we should be grateful to Robin McAlpine for is what I read as his suggestion that we need to make our story both less unnecessarily complicated as well as more directly and immediately appealing. I am also very much in agreement with the idea that what independent Scotland has the potential to be should be contrasted with what the British state is becoming. That is the alternative story. That is what must be set against the official story - whatever that official story is.

The concept of Scotland as a ‘safe haven’ is a fine thing. But safe from what? If I am understanding Robin aright, he is coming round to the realisation that the Yes movement may have been too obsessively ‘positive’ in the first referendum campaign. That we may have missed opportunities to destroy the Better Together/Project Fear propaganda out of a near-pathological aversion to being seen as ‘negative’. When combined with a preoccupation with internal criticism - much of which amounted to nothing more than pointless posturing and party political point-scoring - it can easily be seen how a Yes campaign within which diversity had become division was weakened relative to a No campaign which was both massively powerful and almost totally unprincipled, but always on-message.

 Let’s all start telling our friends a new story. Let’s all start telling the same story. Let’s start telling a story of independence being the key to a Scotland which can be a safe haven from the grotesque and distasteful political culture that is developing apace in the British state.

 Let’s be more ready to identify the villain in our story. Let’s encourage people to challenge that villain and question both its representation of itself and its dire vision of Scotland’s place in the world.

 Allow me to suggest a title for this story.

 Independence: what’s the alternative?

[alamyrr-blog]

School Shootings

About a month ago, i woke up to one of my most destructively memorable days. The news of Florida school shooting was everywhere. It is not that school shootings have never happened ever before, but this was so amplified and I couldn’t escape it even if I switched off my phone. My conscience and head couldn’t move away. It felt like the blood of the children and teachers who died was spilling in the very room i was sitting in. At first, I couldn’t understand why this specific shooting felt this different but this raised questions and eyebrows throughout the world, so I believed it was pretty common and everybody was feeling that way. People were asking the same question that they have asked for years with no benefit or answer to it; the question “why?” and so was i. I decided to dive a little deep into it and today I want to share what I found with all of you.

I had kind of forgotten what emotionally determinant things such as this used to feel like to me. For those of you unfamiliar with my backstory, I was born with an extremely heightened sense of the emotions of those around me. I was empathetic to the degree that if i walked in a room in which was somebody who had their mother die, i would feel that pain as if my mother had passed away. For this, i decided to always keep myself in a box away from stories such as this so as to feel safe and to protect myself from feeling that intrinsic pain. Another factor why I stopped reading or looking into the news about events such as Florida shooting was because while on one side i was feeling the pain of those who were the victims, i could also look, understand and empathize with the feelings of the abuser.

This put me on the red-flag list for all the people who aren’t ready to talk about the motivations behind violence. The root that motivates a nineteen-year old to become a murderer. They aren’t ready because it makes them feel insecure that others actions, from the perspective they committed it, are actually justified. They can’t stand talk of it because they have attached themselves with the idea of being the victim and hence they can’t stand the fact that the other side may also be in the way a victim. 

I was on the fence being pushed and pulled by this event. This was a return of my childhood trauma. I had no idea how to react to this. While i was feeling the pain of those children who lost their friends, their teachers, their beloved; i couldn’t stop myself from empathizing with the abuser. I am guilty here, and saying things such as this are often what put people in scrutiny in the spiritual field. But I’m going to step up and talk about this because i know that nobody else will; thinking that people will label them off as trying to “justify” the killer’s actions. Hence, I am going to put the word to this: Why what happened in Florida became so big of an impact was because it was the inherent human condition inside (almost) all of us magnified in the form of one child.

It is imperative that we stop seeing the debate of the motivations and the roots behind such events as “no-go area” and that we begin to deliberately talk about what leads to this. We can ban guns and I’m definitely all in for it, but we cannot ban bigotry, hate, hurt, racism etc. and by virtue of that situation we are helpless to change the fact that more events like this will follow no matter what legislation or law we enforce. Maybe we can stop one or two people, but we cannot stop those people who are willing to risk their lives for it. They will find ways to kill, slaughter, and torture, and bully; this situation will continue to prevail - till we deal with what causes it.

And what has been happening today triggered the same response in me when i saw the #marchforourlives tag spread across all internet like forest fire. It brought me back memories of when, because of the threats of my own abusers, i had to live through the constant fear that tomorrow i will find myself and all the people i care about dead. But my biggest struggle was that i couldn’t move my head in either affirmation or negation to this. I was stuck in denial. That is part of why this “march” is making me uneasy. Even though it looks like the wave of people marching is creating a movement, the very consciousness of human collective is stuck where it was. We have not moved an inch from there. We might hide behind popular opinions, but internally we hold the same values which is why things such as this manifest over and over again.  The other reason why what has been happening today doesn’t make me feel good is that the march is coming from the space of the same consciousness from which came that which the movement opposes. It is not a search for solution, but that of victory.

I feel estranged when people say “come on, it is 2018″ as if it was 3017. Because it is the means people escape reality. Speaking it is 2018 as if it was 3017 is a stupid thing and it is absolutely the opposite of reality. The reality is even though physically we have progressed, we are still, at a level of consciousness, stuck in the medieval age; we are energetically still in the age of wars, conquests, victories, sex slaves and discrimination. We still seek domination by power, and feel otherwise bad if we don’t gain that status.

The human consciousness hasn’t grown since the medieval. Why? Because of how they dealt with children in the medieval age. Children, in those ages, were seen as the vices of Satan and so it was seen important that they be invalidated, rejected, denied, beaten, tortured and drained of their childishness. They pushed the “human” part of the human to deepest of the deep in his subconscious to turn him into a societal cog; a loyal servant to the liege of the time. The growth of consciousness depends on the inner child and when he is blocked out, so does the blossoming of consciousness. This is what happened in those ages, and the result is what we are seeing today. Though that consciousness changed shapes throughout history, it is still stuck at where it was. As an experiment, you can walk down a casual road in a suburb of any country, you will see the same dynamics still being applied. The media and what it chooses to represent has definitely changed the image of humanity and what it looks like, but in reality - it is the same.

The root of this consciousness was separation, the same root that fosters terrorism. Separation means to see others as different and separate from oneself, which means (for the human mind) to feel better about myself I have to be above other people in some way. The human collective is stuck in that paradigm. The “exclusivity” paradigm. The belief that I and you are distanced in existence. This creates the air of competition.

We have built our entire society around this concept of domination. Governments, nuclear weapons, educational systems, pharma; in every industry almost every company operates yearning to become the top and this is what will decide which direction the company goes and what decisions it will make. Shootings are the product of the same consciousness. That of a child’s desire to feel victorious and hence on top of the world; to become dominant. And so is bullying, and bigotry, and racism, and bombing, and abuse and every other destructive activity. It is the desire to dominate, and it has come to be because every child is brought up to see himself as different and separate from the world around him. If you see the world as different from you, it is definite you will want to top it. Our children are constantly fed the idea that they have to get to the top. That they have to win the race. That they have to dominate, control and conquer in order to be valuable or as they call it “successful.”  This is amplified by parents, teachers, life coaches, motivational speakers, politicians; almost all those in power preach for it. What children are not taught is to see their life in other’s lives and that to allow his soul to be entranced and touched.

We don’t need guns for protection, but to instead cultivate a consciousness in the people that others don’t need to be protected from. We need to show people how they are not in fact different but the very same, how one life is actually also the other life, how everything is basically one. That the abuser and the victim are in essence the same. Same Earth, same breath, same life. It is time we walk out of the box of exclusiveness, and entered the universe of inclusiveness. It is time we stopped looking at people as black people, or white, or brown, or gay, or straight, or any other way, in fact it is time we stopped looking at them as people at all and that we started to look at them as part of ourselves. Once that consciousness rises inside people, we will see that the guns will go by themselves; because people will feel connected with all that is, and not threatened by it. This is how gun control will come, and not through enforcement. 

I am not against Gun Control. But I see it as only a short-term fixture; in the long-term it will turn out same as the ban on every other thing that has ever been banned - it will be ignored, thrashed and abused by those who would be still stuck in the desperation to feel better through dominance. The only permanent and long-term solution is an evolution of the way we look at others towards a point where we don’t see them as others but as extensions of our own being.  

It is not a one-day process, but it can start now. It starts with the first reader who realizes this and decides to integrate oneness in him/herself. And then instead of trying to fight this age-old consciousness out of himself, waters it and gets enough sunshine and allows it so that it can grow and blossom into something beautiful.

[krys-does-otome]

Bae in Review: White Mask, Bad Apple Wars

This was another bae where I meant to get someone else first, but stumbled upon this one by mistake, but decided to continue with it anyway.

I'm still on the fence as to whether this was a good decision to continue and finish the route or not, but it's already said and done, so I'm going to continue the game and this review as normal.

First Impression:

Last Impression:

This is the part where I'm going to get into spoiler territory, as I will be using White Mask’s real name henceforth in this review. As the game (as of the time writing this) hasn't been out for that long, I’ll refrain from using it in other reviews and on Twitter until a good amount of time has passed and I’ll start using his real name from that point onward.

Final Spoiler Warning here~

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As this was my first route in the game, of course I'm going to start things off as blindly as possible.

I had originally meant to pursue Satoru, but a wrong turn somewhere had me going towards White Mask, the leader of the Good Apple Prefects.

I probably should have started off with Bad Apples first, in hindsight, as I was dropped into a world I barely knew about with a character that probably would have been better off locked from the very beginning.

I was basically thrown headfirst into a world I definitely wasn't prepared for.

On the Good Apple side, we are elected as a trial member of the Prefects, basically the disciplinary group of the school. It’s basic purpose is to keep students from breaking the rules of the school and keeping everyone in line.

This wouldn't be so bad if the fact that this school is basically a pit of depression and suffocation. No one can stand out, no one remembers anyone’s name, no one can happy or proud of their achievements, like if they liked sports, music, arts and crafts, basically anything of enjoyment, no one can basically be themselves, becoming a shell of a person as time passes.

As a trial member of the Prefects, our heroine, Rinka, has to enforce these strict rules, or become one of the Bad Apples, a group of students that are breaking the school’s rules, to keep their individuality and working towards getting out of this hell of a school.

Rinka has to watch as White Mask ‘correct’ his fellow students, even for minor infractions, such as dress code violations, or studying materials from an outside source of the school (Satoru was a frequent victim of this treatment). When she finally can’t take it anymore, she reaches out to him and tries to physically stop him from correcting another student.

This is where her powers (the game’s built in mechanic) begin to manifest. Normally, no one in the school, NEVAEH Academy, physically touches another student because of the rare occurrence of seeing into someone’s past. It was small basic courtesy thing that the students agreed upon, as it does feel extremely intruding if you can see someone’s life and memories with a simple touch.

Rinka doesn’t know about this, reaches out to try and reason with White Mask, and catches glimpses of his past each time she touches him.

She learns about the boy, Iku Watase, through White Mask’s memories.

(Side note: I’m not completely sure that Shou is his first name, as what I hear when I listen to the Japanese dialogue isn’t the same as what I’m reading in the text. No, I’m not a fluent Japanese speaker, but I know enough to understand when a character is telling me their name, so when he says ‘Ore wa Watase ______’, I’m not hearing ‘Shou’, but something else I can’t quite catch (and yes, I know about Japanese name order, so it would be, for example, ‘Ore wa Watase Shou’, not ‘Ore wa Shou Watase’. Last name first in Japanese). Unless it’s some sort of language tick that I’m just too illiterate to pick up on as a non-speaker, I’m not picking up on the ‘Shou’ part of his name. However, Shou is what the text keeps telling me, so I’m sticking with Shou until proven otherwise).

EDIT: I wasn’t mishearing things, his first name is actually Iku, as that was the name that was in the spoken dialogue. I don’t know if the kanji for his name was translated correctly, but this seems like kind of a major oversight, as it’s a character’s name (and this ain’t 4kids, c’mon now).

Iku was a boy that was surrounded by death his entire life, enough to earn him the nickname ‘Reaper’. His mother died giving birth to him, his father died rescuing him from a fire, a boy at school tried to be friends with him but he ended up falling into a river and drowning, his grandpa dies mountain climbing, a teacher that tried to help him open up is stabbed by a girl that had a crush on him, the boy is just surrounded by death. It causes him to retreat within himself, trying his best to not get close to others in fear that they will be next to die.

The only problem is that people keep trying to get close to him, each of them reaching their eventual ends in one way or another. It had taken a strong toll on young Iku’s mind, wanting to love and be loved in return, but can’t because anyone close to him ends up dying.

The icing on the cake is when he just looks at a girl crossing the street. He didn’t know her, she was an absolute stranger, her only crime making passing eye contact with him. The next moment, she crosses into the crosswalk, only to be run over by a truck.

This absolutely breaks Iku, that he could kill someone he didn’t even know with just sharing eye contact.

The best part? The girl he accidentally lead to her death?

Our heroine, Rinka.

The details of his death are kind of glossed over, assuming he somehow got to NEVAEH Academy, and rose to become the leader of the Good Apple Prefects, losing himself in the rules of the school, so that the pains of the past are numbed, hopefully to never resurface again.

Enter Rinka, the new student with the power of touch, seeing his most painful memories long buried into his subconscious, now brought to the surface for the first time.

He doesn’t take well to his memory being jogged.

It’s not made completely clear if he can see the memories she sees at the same time she does, but he does seem to change under Rinka’s presence. His cold and distant exterior starts to crack, his old fears starting to resurface as Rinka grows closer and dearer in his heart. His fears reach a peak when she finds a cross necklace, presumably his Soul Totem (an item that accompanies you from your previous life to the academy). He gives her his Soul Totem in a climax of touching, where their souls are presumably at their closest. He doesn’t want anything to happen to Rinka because of the incidents in his past, so he tries his best to try and distance himself from her, even to the point of wanting to sacrifice himself to keep her away and safe.

Rinka is having exactly none of this.

She goes after him, wants to help him face his fears, and to convince him that he is very much worthy of receiving and giving love, death surrounding him or not.

Through Rinka’s persistence, he learns to accept himself and her love, not afraid to show affection for probably the first time in his life, dead or otherwise.

Through some.. Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey stuff, he finally reappears in his old life, just after the incident of Rinka being run over by a truck.

This time, however, he is persistent in keeping her alive, staying by her side in the hospital and helping to bring her back to the land of the living, sharing quite a tender moment when she wakes up.

I think the only complaint I have about this game, as I’ve played it so far, is that the route feels far too short. As I’ve only played Iku’s route (and Higa’s route), both so far have had five chapters of common route (with only needing two initial choices to get on a route(one actually, but you need both to get your boy’s epilogue, lol)) while it seems the actual routes are only two chapters long.

Maybe I’m just used to games having longer stories, but this seems incredibly short.

Not a major nitpick, but still worth noting.

Overall, I get the feeling that I may have stumbled into a route that I probably wasn’t supposed to. Iku feels like a route that should have been locked, as this feels like something that probably would have been a big reveal if I had been playing this game for a while. To look into the character that’s really the most major antagonist of the game. Like, it would change my perception of him had I done his route further down the line, instead of right in the beginning.

It also means I’m going to have more sympathy for him as I play more routes and delve further into the story.

It was an enjoyable route overall, I just get the feeling that I now know too much and that is going to ruin me for the rest the game, which I sincerely hope isn’t the case.

Some Pros and Cons

PRO: Once he’s devoted to you, you will have yourself a dedicated boyfriend for life CON: He’s also a worrier. And he will worry about the smallest of things, especially when it comes to you. If it comes to it, he won’t let you do anything for yourself.

PRO: He’s pretty open to new experiences, like first dates.  CON: He didn’t have much chance to experience things because he was constantly surrounded by death.

PRO: He is calm and collected most of the time, using fair logic and diplomacy CON: He used to use shock therapy on kids that were misbehaving in school, especially one that repeatedly brought a banned book to class.

Bae Rating: A cautious 8/10.

I’m staying cautious about this rating as it may go up or down depending how I progress further in the game. I’m still nervous that I have stumbled upon something that would have been better had I experienced it later on in the game. Not that I didn’t enjoy this ride for what it was, I’m just holding on until I have more experience with the game before I give my full, honest opinion.

Up next is the baseball nut Higa, and my first look into the Bad Apples point of view.

If anyone has any special requests for baes for me to review, here’s the most up-to-date list of games and routes I’ve completed thus far: Butts Touched Master List

Have a good day, lovelies, and remember to touch all the butts.