#while considering that she's become a part of it too OFC bc she's been harming some of her patients rather than just helping them -

[anthromimicry]

[aks3raao1]

Me, to Luja: So tell me about yourself

Luja: No

Me: ...ma'am I need to write the story—

Luja: Good luck <3

[now that I do think of it, ALTERNATIVE's main duo that's established right at the beginning is literally a chiller but edgier Katsuki and way worse sUrViVe Nagito genderbends]

~~~~~~

Luja Sen, she/her

Anyways, Luja and Romila are friends from middle school (the story starts with the beginning of their high school at AoS (Academy of the Specialised) which was essentially founded by Nyx). Luja gains her Specialisation (Ferrokinesis: The Ability to bend metal) at the age of twelve, so she has it for a lesser time period than Romila.

Luja primarily wants to become a scientist. Her family is happy with that, because it's praised and everything, especially in our society.

She has a gifted child superiority complex. Being a gifted child + Specialised means that she hardly had many friends in school. Her family had tried to get her to socialize....which didn't go down too well.

She believes that most people are annoying because they waste too much time on useless things like gossiping and what not, which she never showed much interest in and doesn't like to be dragged into those nonsense.

She is friends with Romila since they do share the same taste in stuff and were the only Specialised ones in their class. And they kinda stuck together for most of middle school and went into high school.

She has a problem when it comes to seeing Romila since she tends to see her bad parts and is like, "It's a phase" considering that it's not necessarily affecting her. Romila doesn't get too cranky with her since she fascinates her, with her passion™ for science. Also because she isn't all self sacrifice UwU.

Luja cares for her own self above others (but tends to put Romila pretty close to that hierarchy, which is why she's one of the only two Romila trusts during the Mansion of Death (the other person is Kratanos)) however she also does want to keep what friends she has and is generally caring towards them.

She has a genuine love for science and loves to discover how things work and why, and her favourite facet is Physics. She does want to invent things and honestly just make stuff easier for the Specialised who face a LOT of issues, especially when it comes to amenities since the government is an ass about accomodations and they gained the Fundamental Rights like ten years or so ago in the ALTERNATIVE timeline. And they gain an additional right ("The body won't be harmed for science") when they graduate from school, after signing a contract that they dedicate themselves to helping the government when called upon. (The whole contract is stupid and basically oppresses them more especially the punishment for not abiding by it).

With her goal of becoming a scientist, she wants to use her talents to make accomodations specifically for them so that she could have done something.

The things she fears the most is failure. Failing as in being unable to accomplish her goals. She is afraid of it because it's an unknown variable that's constantly haunted her and she's working hard for it to never reach her.

I suppose there's a way for her to confront that fear during the Mid terms at AoS where she essentially "loses" in the practicals due to her......teamwork issues.

Everyone thinks of her as stuck up and isn't interested to listen to her much and since she views the others as annoying people with annoying habits, she tends to fail to regulate them, causing Romila to win instead (yes, it's THAT unfortunate of a situation) in their match, which causes her to review a LOT of things and she tries to see what caused her to lose after having a severe breakdown.

She develops an inferiority complex in respect to Romila and then spends a long time wondering where she went wrong.

Rena (who somehow clung to her) tries to cheer her up but gets turned back halfway, but she still stays on and Luja is like, "Wtf" until she sees Romila going entirely off the deep end (she presents an interesting contrast to how Koldin sees Romila as well, she sees Romila's behavior and considers it as a justification for her own self....she uses Romila to justify herself a lot (since if you asked Romila, Luja was more or less fine according to her since she wasn't being a doormat and stood up for herself) while Koldin sees Romila as the reason he should cling onto his own stuff) and realises that she could be on the path to destruction herself and accepts Rena's help and tries to be more open to others which leads to the Mid terms parallels in the Archenemy of Society arc where she "succeeds" instead and manages to get the class together enough to escape the situation.

However it doesn't mean that her fear of failure has entirely vanished into the blue, she just reviews the ways she can fail better now and works around it to avoid it and has more confidence in her own self. But she is still scared of failing and would love to avoid that more than anything. However she's chiller after that.

Her intelligence is more or less on par with both Romila and Kratanos, making them the three main strategists in the final battle against the bigots (which is basically a rerun of the Mansion of Death situation but way way worse and fucked up and has different leads to it).

....

The thing is that, no matter what I do, she winds up feeling like one dimensional/repetitive, which is something I am trying to amend about all the characters (I mean, I had to revamp a lot of characters so it will probably take me a long long time to actually get to writing.........sigh besides she stands up like a cardboard amongst people (I mean, you have Romila and Kratanos with extremely complicated storylines and then you have her. Just there))

So the main question is how to make her more interesting as a character and on par with the rest while still keeping her character flaws and personality?

I think the easiest way to go abt this is to view her as a sassy Bakugo. They have the main points in common. They're salty, don't like to socialise, feel inferior to a certain someone while still having some semblance of confidence and a terrible fear of failure

Now as much as I hate to compare your character to another one, it makes it a lot easier to have them become - as my English teacher would say - more. So I am sorry if this comes off as offensive-

For Bakugo, he became interesting by playing a big part in the mc's main story and we do get a few scenes where his vulnerability is shown. I assume it's the same with your character but...what rlly ties the knot for me when it comes to Katsuki is the fact that his problems...are more than just an inferiority/superiority complex. His whole thing stems from background especially (*cough* abusive mom *cough*) and the fact that he's not the main character (or rather that the story isn't being told in his perspective).

These facts make us over think and want more of him. The mystery draws us in which is why I think Luja's character is so perfect for someone in the background. She doesn't like to reveal things abt herself and is pretty dismissive to most things on top of that (plainly just salty). Her character rlly draws you in and the best way to portray those kinds of characters is through another character. Ofc, you'd have to get to their POV eventually but it's important to note that most of the details should come from someone else's POV (an observer, if you will) instead of info dumping and starting straight with hers. A character that's mysterious with a very simple yet relatable story attracts a LOT more attention and interest when seen from someone else's perspective than when you kickstart it from theirs.

Ofc, if u are planning (or already have) started the story from her POV, that would be a bit problematic in terms of interest. But not a train wreck. This is where my other point comes in. The point of making a character have more than one problem

Different ppl as well as characters have a main problem but also different ones, no matter what way you look at it. It seems that even you are confused with all ur character's ins and outs (dw, we've all been there... I am still there tbh) and a solution to that is backtracking a bit and looking at their life from the very beginning in HEAVY detail (like more than u already did). Think abt what other trauma could have been caused, what doubts and fears could have slowly crept it's way to her heart and head (I am a sucker for long-lasting doubts that develop over time) and anything you can even so much as GRASP on. If you look at it and see it as a possibility, try to fit that into her character and add it subtly in different places (as subtext or a creative pattern, wordplay, doesn't rlly matter as long as it's not openly stated bc, remember, the key thing to these types of characters is mystery).

For example, a fear of failure can stem into anxiety before the character has even lost smth later in their life. They probably get rlly anxious when evaluating smth but don't show it much or at all so no one notices. This adds even MORE to the character bc you can build it up after other events. Like once they have failed, they could probably get even more anxious and then develop a bad relationship with the person who beat them (double the points if it was a friend). You could build all that up and turn it super toxic instead of jumping right to the healing. It makes it more interesting, doesn't it? Plus, reevaluating almost everything including world views after 1 loss is...kind of hard to believe even with anxiety (no offense)

Adding a lot of little problems and thinking abt how Luja's behaviour can impact other characters helps a terrible lot if ur doing most of the story from her POV. Especially since she's probably the most relatable character (from what I've heard anyway). I have a certain saying... it goes like, "It's better to have a relatable and connecting character than one with a problem that is too big for normal people to fathom."

I like characters with heart-wrenching problems that I would never be able to relate to (take maybe Shigaraki as an example ig?) But my favourite are the ones that make me feel as tho I made a real connection

Also, I would like to say...if ur looking to progress her character even further, I would debate on whether it's the complete end to the novel or if there'll be a second part. If it's a second part, keep some of Luja's issues. Make her get better but not completely "YAY, I AM DONE BEING TORMENTED". If it's the end of the novel/series/etc., make it so that she's resolved most of most of her issues. They don't have to be completely gone but they have to be a lot better compared to how they started. And how i would work that out is a mind map but knowing ur a scatterbrain...lets talk it out where everything is all over the place

Luja's main thing is to gain confidence in herself and be finally ok with losing, right? If you ask me, that's a tough one but not impossible. I think to get her from point A to point B is to put up a bunch of events like:

Get her super anxious when doing smth

Lose to *insert person*

Have a breakdown and over think on what she could have done better (on the project or whatever she lost at)

Get even more anxious and totally mess up the next thing

Lose once again (double points if it's the same person as last time)

Overthinking abt how she's not good enough

F i g h t i n g f r i e n d s c o z d r a m a

"YoU'rE nEvEr GoNnA gEt BeTtEr If YoU kEeP tHiNkInG aBoUt YoUrSeLf"

Over think abt no. 8 bc out of options and ideas and ✨a n x i e t y✨

Try listening to others more and become b e t t e r

Win smth (bc creator forbid 3 losses in a row to start depression)

Lose again (there is gonna be a bit of back and forth but is necessary for development)

"I tHoUgHt I wAs FiNaLlY dOiNg SoMeThInG rIgHt AnD nOw LoOk"

"Losing is not th3 3nd of th3 fucking world, you lunatic"

"WELL, IT IS TO ME, BITCH"

*insert psychology somehow idk*

Another loss

"I'm angry...but I'm ok"

Note that idk where bullying would come in and these are only how I would think it to go-

A character like this isn't rlly my strong suit when it comes to them resolving their problems but they are fun to write and think abt-

................................did I just give you advice on how to traumatize? I-

[hzcleski]

hello friends! you probs know who i am already but if not hello! i’m sam aaand this is my newish muse! i played hal here for a minute one time but i’ve decided to give him a huuuuge revamp so character info is under the cut! lmk if you wanna plot! messaging me @ellvie​ is probably easiest!

╰☆╮ DYLAN O'BRIEN ─ HAL ZALESKI identifies as CIS MALE and uses HE/HIM pronouns. they’re a FORMER OLYMPIAN/NHL PLAYER, and they’re only TWENTY THREE ! they’re said to be CAPABLE, but also TURBULENT. i guess that’s why they’re known as THE LEGACY in the tabloids.

quick disclaimer that this is a sideblog so i might post to the wrong account sometimes

other disclaimer a lot of my hockey information is from google ok

nathan harold zaleski jr was practically born with a pair of skates on, which makes sense considering his family is hockey royalty. his father is nathan harold zaleski sr, aka a legend and one of the biggest names in sports to this very day. olympic gold medalist several times over, beloved longtime defenseman for the toronto maple leafs, at the very peak of his career and married to a beautiful wealthy socialite when his only child was born.

listen...this is an au where the maple leafs are good or like, had one genuinely good star player in nathan sr. okay thanks for coming to my ted talk!

he’s got dual citizenship because he was born in canada even though he hasn’t lived there since he was ten, but his parents were us citizens, which doesn’t seem important but WAIT FOR IT

nathan jr, who would begin going by the nickname of hal early on in life, probably learned how to skate before he even learned how to walk because of course he did. his father’s intention was always to have another him. i mean for fuck’s sake they have the exact same name. hal’s purpose in life has never been in question, not by him or anyone who’s ever seen him play.

his natural talent for hockey became apparent from a very young age, which didn’t surprise anyone ofc. his father saw it as a sign and began pushing him even harder, hiring the very best trainers and coaches to help perfect his game while nathan sr focused on his own career.

except that he was running out of steam and fast. nothing happened like there was no huge scandal or career ending injury. nathan sr was just...getting old. fans were simply losing interest in him as newer and younger players joined the league and there was nothing he could really do about it except make sure his legacy lived on.

hal was ten years old when everything seemed to finally fall apart. his dad was hanging on to the very last threads of his career, let go from the maple leafs and almost certainly picked up by the new york rangers purely out of pity. meanwhile, hal’s parents finally divorced which he took almost alarmingly well for a ten year old, but it’s not like his parents were ever a shining example of a deep, loving marriage. they spent years settling the divorce, fighting back and forth while suing the shit out of each other across whole fuckin countries. lowkey they almost wound up being more famous for the legal drama than they were for hockey.

hal’s dad finally retired when he was twelve, won sole custody of him when he was fourteen, and pulled enough strings to get him a spot on the canadian hockey team dual citizenship! going to the 2010 vancouver winter olympics when he was just a teenager, making him one of the youngest players to ever compete in the games.

and canada won gold that year so hal was making history again in no time, being one of the youngest players to ever become a gold medalist in the winter olympics. now he didn’t actually see a lot of playing time that year. his skill was undeniable, but no one seemed to think that he was ready for the big time rush. tbh they probably weren’t wrong, but nevertheless his name and his win made an impression on everyone.

up until that point hal was homeschooled bc ofc education came second to hockey, but he always wanted to attend an actual school and he did! after his first olympics his dad finally sent him to the same private school in the city as all the other rich kids and it was...weird! he started in the middle of the year and was instantly an outsider among his classmates. everyone else had known each other all their lives so hal immediately at a disadvantage. it didn’t help that he’d never really...had a single friend before. tbh his peers were probably intimidated by him. he was just a high schooler and already an olympic gold medalist like...ofc no one wanted to be the person to go approach him and say hi.

played for canada again dual citizenship! at the 2014 winter olympics in sochi when he was eighteen and this time HE WAS THE STAR. absolutely at the top of his game. anyone who still thought that he was a joke before the games started shut up real quick when he won his second gold medal.

he got home and was eventually drafted into the nhl, so he sorta ditched school oops. technically he finished but like...barely since he went back to being tutored for the last few months.

several teams wanted him and tried to throw a shit ton of money at him, but hal settled on the new york rangers with a huge multi million dollar deal

he quickly stole hearts on and off the ice. whether fans admired his skill or followed him during the olympics or remembered his father, for one reason or another he was winning people over left and right. unsurprisingly he’d go on to win the 2014-2015 rookie of the year award, presented to him by the president of the nhl and everything.

he did not attend the 2018 winter olympics in pyeongchang as the nhl famously refused to release their players. hal himself was a major part of the uproar. the whole country of canada dual citizenship! practically threw a fucking fit bc the nhl was disqualifying their star player from winning them their third gold medal in a row and hey big surprise...canada didn’t win gold in 2018 :)

hal’s in the middle of his fifth i think? year of pro hockey rn and so far his career has been solid. his dad is really pushing him to sign with a “better team” and he has gotten offers, but he isn’t really interested. he likes playing for new york & he likes living in new york. maybe someday....maybeeee....but for right now he’s happy with where he is.

okay now for some fast facts!

literally always looks like he just got into a fight, probably bc he just did during his last game. is usually sporting some injury like a black eye or split lip or cut cheek. fortunately hasn’t completely given in to the hockey player stereotype by getting all of his fuckin teeth knocked out...yet

notice that i hardly mentioned his mom? that about sums up their relationship tbh. hal was practically raised by nannies and trainers. his mom always had some brunch or gala or public appearance she was far more invested in. literally she didn’t even really...want custody of him when she divorced his dad, but she claimed to just to be petty and give nathan sr an even more difficult time. yeah they kinda hate each other now and since hal has always been closer to his dad, his mom isn’t even really that interested in seeing him lmao. she’ll call like once a month and invites him to brunch if she happens to be in the city, but ngl hal probably hasn’t seen her in like...a couple years at the least. he’s not really broken up about it either.

right so...walking talking endless pit of daddy issues? you bet! just because hal prefers his dad doesn’t mean that they get along or that his dad is a good person. he still has his perfect public image and he isn’t complete garbage but...yeah their relationship is extremely toxic. he’s always been very harsh with hal, pushing him and pushing him to be the best bc nothing he accomplishes is ever good enough.

so what if he's won two olympic gold medals? so what if he was rookie of the year? so what if he’s considered one of the best and most beloved players in the nhl? he can do more, he can be even better. his dad is a constant voice in his head even though he’s always around anyway. he never misses a game or an opportunity to point out hal’s every flaw.

ofc as a result hal’s always been very hard on himself. every single day of his entire life has been spent basing his self worth off what his father thinks of him. it was awful for his self esteem bc no fucking duh.

HOWEVER. it isn’t public knowledge at this time, but as of right now? hal’s relationship with his father is falling apart faster and faster by the moment. they’re a ticking time bomb & it’s literally only a matter of time before they explode yikes!

fortunately hal could sorta sense the direction things were heading and did something about it. he finally moved out when the hockey season started back in october and he’s been feeling better ever since. like he has more control over his life even though his dad is still WAY too involved.

personality: a douchebag who means no harm, mostly because he's never really trying to be a jerk. tends to come across as a typical meathead jock for good reason bc that’s exactly who he is. in conversation he's usually very blunt and a little awkward bc he’s still learning how to socialize with others. hockey is basically his whole life so it’s all he knows how to talk about, which can either be endearing or annoying. a genius hockey player, but a ditz in every other area. very short - tempered and impulsive. always means well and wants the best for those he cares about, but might go about expressing those feelings in a weird way bc he was never taught how to properly deal with his emotions.

CONNECTIONS

family

step sibling he grew up with - sabrina miller

paternal cousins - warren daily and wren daily

cousin by marriage - rosalind cox

maternal cousin - open. his mom is polish for reference!

romantic

girlfriend - genesis iver

ex fiancée - ginny baker

ex on good terms - margo massey

ex who cheated on him - isla thompson

former fwb - amethyst armenta, open to more.

former toxic on / off relationship - reese monroe

exes, open to more.

hal has a ton of other exes and i don’t feel like listing them tbh all so i’m just gonna assume that y’all know who you are ok

platonic

best friend 5ever - marialena goldstein

confidant - open.

family friends - sullivan ramsey, open to more.

childhood friends - open to more.

close friends - open to more.

friends - mia kauri, chance kauri, theo cannon, angel almeida, open to more.

bickering friends - open to more.

workout buddy - open.

negative

on bad terms - kennedy drakos, jay weston, open to more.

these are just a few plot ideas! i’m most definitely open to other stuff so if you have any ideas please free to share! i think that’s enough from me soooo yeah! mssg me if you wanna plot & as always i’m super excited to write with everyone!

[roominthecastle]

1) do u ship michael/eleanor 2) if yes pls share ur thoughts and feelings :))

*cracks knuckles* Just remember: you asked for this, anon.

1) Yes.

I am oh so predictable and this dynamic offers everything - literally everything - that gets me going, so I got going at once. Like act 1, scene 1,

“Hello, Eleanor. I am Michael and you are dead.”

A dapper amoral non-human puppetmaster becomes emotionally compromised as a kickass mortal woman keeps foiling his ridiculously meticulous plans, and they end up bonding over the confusing struggle of self-improvement, survival, & being messy benches who love dramaaa?

Honestly, they gave me no chance to even consider resisting this.

2) Oh boy. This is where we duck behind a read more bc length & GIFs

I should probably start by saying that as far as strict canon goes, for now, I only see solid evidence of the tightest, beautifulest friendship btw these two, but the potential for “more” is def there, as well, imo. I broship them on the show and ship them like mad in this nice little bubble of Could Be where I’m happy bc canon is generous w/ the fodder. That being said, the furthest I can see canon pushing this ‘ship is a bittersweet unrequited love area, sth like [ this post ] I reblogged the other day. No bitter Friendzoned™ bullshit bc Michael ain’t a gross-ass dick like that. Friendship is his most precious treasure like he kept the spoon Janet gave him and put it on display in his office. My heart almost gave out at that part. I think he felt lonely and isolated among his kind even before his solo project started going off the rails, forcing him to defect to the human side, so I’m sure he would never consider “friendship only” w/ Eleanor to be some second-rate outcome. (neither would I)

But he is only beginning to discover the various dimensions of human relationships, so his feelings are likely in flux and mixed. He might consider chaste romance friendship, too, since he has no previous experience to draw on whatsoever. I mean, feelings are v difficult to sort even w/ plenty experience as evidenced by the humans around him.

Eleanor is to Michael who/what Chidi is to her, imo. Every round of the Eleanor/Chidi dynamic is characterized by a rollercoaster of “is it platonic or is it romantic or both or neither or what the sweet fork is it?”, and I can imagine Michael going through a bit of that confusion himself as he gets more and more attached to Eleanor but w/o the pressure of “pick a label already and act on it”. A general feeling of attraction (not necessarily sexual) would be natural, esp for a being who is experiencing his first intense connection with someone who actively challenges, rewards, and punishes him in ways no other being has before and no human has ever dared before.

She takes him down a few notches, no question. Chidi is the teacher but Eleanor is the one pushing and pulling Michael along their rocky, scary, insane path of self-improvement, which, just like hers, starts out as an empty nuisance deal of self-preservation (“You get help but only if you take ethics lessons”) and turns into a genuine effort to become better. She insists on him taking these lessons and makes sure he “stays in school” despite the initial difficulties. Out of his 4 humans, she is the one he consistently looks to for emotional pointers, support, and validation.

The subtlest (and my most favorite) display of this is how he keeps half-turning back towards her when he pleads their case in front of Judge Gen.

She is his person who has faith in him when no one else does and reaches him when no one else can or want to. She is his anchor pulling him back whenever he drifts off too far, be it as a result of a massive existential/midlife crisis or venting frustrations in his old, cruel ways like tormenting Chidi:

He listens to her and tries to reciprocate even if it means breaking some fundamental rules of the afterlife or turning on his own kind or giving up his immortality or going behind the back of the All-Knowing Judge who can condemn anyone for eternal suffering with a snap of her fingers. This is the same kind of glitch Janet describes in 111 (aptly named “What’s My Motivation”): to act unpredictably and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave. a.k.a. the “human error” a.k.a. LOVE

Eleanor just instinctively gets him in every sense of the word bc they are very similar, and while at first it causes alarm, discomfort, and tension for both of them, it transforms into friendship - sth that I believe has its origins in S1 when he is supposed to be faking everything. That day spent together having all kinds of fun has left some genuine positive marks on both, imo, despite both “participating” to cover an agenda.

This bond is now the kind of stuff that would need only a tiny, unexpected spark to ignite. I don’t think it will in ~that~ way on the show since Eleanor is focused elsewhere in that department atm & maybe forever, but the groundwork is def there, so I can imagine billions of excellent fic scenarios blooming from this + as I said somewhere above, a potential canon scenario where Michael harbors unrequited feelings but keeps silent bc it would be a secret he is ethically allowed - maybe even required - to keep. Again, it is one of the lessons that come up when Janet’s “glitching” and they consider breaking up Jason and Tahani as a solution: “It’s not permissible to ruin their happiness to save ourselves. … It’s okay to keep a secret as long as that secret isn’t harming anyone, and telling them that secret might cause harm.” Michael knows Eleanor needs Chidi to stay on course towards eternal happiness, and, given the group’s track record, telling her that he has feelings could cause confusion sufficient enough to derail everything and that’s not permissible. But this is pure speculation ofc.

Despite the circular narrative and reboots, nothing gained is wasted on this show, it only changes forms and feeds further development. For example, everything Michael pretends to feel and do in S1 he ends up feeling and doing for real in the first part of S2, then gradually gains a more thorough understanding of these actions and feelings in the second half via Chidi’s lessons and by watching/helping others deal with their problems. He fakes it till he makes it. He essentially mirrors Janet, the other non-human member of this group dynamic, who unexpectedly bonds with Jason and her behavior becomes erratic as a result and calms only when she understands what is going on and how to deal with it. Michael’s “demon programming” starts glitching, too, and Eleanor is right smack in the middle of that mess.

Janet “orbits” the “Jason-Tahani unit” w/ a link to Jason, Michael the Eleanor-Chidi one w/ a link to Eleanor, which forms the two interconnected triangles of the show - an “arrangement” further reinforced by the image of Janet and Michael glued to Jason’s and Eleanor’s monitoring thingy respectively at the end of S2.

He is the (recovering) devil on Eleanor’s shoulder sitting opposite to Chidi (also they are the only two guys who wear glasses in the afterlife??), but no matter how well they click and how much fun they have together, it’s Chidi whose presence needs to be tangible (800+ reboots proved that), not his, no matter how/what he feels or what he wants. Removing himself from the equation, sacrificing his own wants & needs, is the only way to ensure Eleanor & Co. have a shot at eternal happiness, so he literally pushes her away and advocates for a solution that involves them completely forgetting about him. It is the ultimate act of selfless love if you think about it, and it makes me feel A LOT.

Also just look at them when she sees he did not die and he sees she (and the rest of the gang, I know, but that’s not our focus here) has not been eternally damned yet bc OFC HE COMES BACK WITH ANOTHER IDEA + 369 BACKUP PLANS + CHEAT CODES bc this is the demon who literally tried a billion ways to sneak them into heaven and was plagued with “after sad” when he failed.

And then we have the scene where he just can’t help himself, breaks yet another rule, and sneaks down/up/idk to Earth to nudge his lost pal back on track and she ofc doesn’t remember him bc the Judge wiped her afterlife memories and he pretends to be her BARTENDER in STING’S DESERT ROSÉ (!!) and delights in her drunken ramblings - it is too much goodness like I’m this close to a Cheers rewatch and also just… THESE FOOLS OWN ME NOW

[icharchivist]

Okay this start to seriously annoy me (as in angering me, not “making me spiral down out of controle” (edit; okay maybe a little but hi that’s me from the future and i’m doing fine, i’m just annoyed but no breakdown there, not really)) so bear with me, but also, tw: s/uicidal & selfh/arm mention and stuff like that. I’m super annoyed at my mom. (also generally it’s in general for all my #ichapersonal posts but pls d/on’t r/eblog especially not this one bc i’m just. so. damn annoyed.)

Also it’s really just ranting because i really need to let it out this is seriously weighing at this point I just need to rant it out;

(also it’s a long post so if you’re on mobile and the readmore didn’t work and you want to avoid it go quickly blacklist either my tag or #longpostforts, it’ll hide the post for your dash)

My mom has this tendencies to always bitch about “kids who says “I’ve never asked to be born””. She had been bitching about it for as long as I can remember bc if i recall, my elder sister (yknow the one who ended up running away from home, never to be seen again for what, 17 years now (17 years?? holy fuck how time flies)(also i’m starting to really feel like she made the right decision at this point)) actually told her that at some point while they fought.

bc my mom believes children should be grateful of life given, that “life is a gift”.

So regularly she goes on rants about how “kids who says “they never wanted to be born” are so ungrateful, life is a gift, you should be grateful to your parents, to me” (she singles herself out everytime) “for how much time and effort we take to raise you, we give you a chance in this world how can you be ungrateful and say you never wanted it”, and stuff like that.

You’d think that after having me spelling her out that i’ve been s/uicidal since i’m 13 she would change her fucking reasoning but nooooo

This is so unnerving. I’ve heard all my life that kids thinking birth is a curse or w/e are ungrateful toward their parents but is she seriously the fuck hearing herself??? It’s not about the fucking parents, if a child tells you that, be concerned about what it means of their suffering, not about what it means for the parents, you apathic selfish person.

My whole life had been a struggle i would have gladly spared myself with thank you very much.”life is a gift” so were the multiple trials I had to manage as a teenager because both of my parents were unable to manage their fucking divorce? I’m sorry what about my life is a gift to me? As far as I know I’ve been the emotional backbone of this freaking family for years and had been there for all of my mother’s breakdowns, but I’ve never had that back. I was the gift to at least try to soften the blows, but it wasn’t a gift for me that’s for sure.  Life sure wasn’t a gift when I first told my mom i was s/uicidal  and had s/elf harmed and that the only thing she told me was “look I have more important things to deal with okay” (see, the kind of petty things i still remember and I’ve yet to have a proper apology about because “nooo but Chloé I wasn’t doing okay you can understand” hA. Jokes on you I had YOUR CONCERNS, MY FATHER’s and MY OWN and back then I was getting out of an ab/usive relationship with my ex and the fact i just lost most of my friends at once while i was trying to manage how the fuck I could at least ease the issues between my parents and with my ex’s jealousy & aftermath, also my own mom’s h.omophobia when i was trying to bring up that aspect was sure helpful, also freaking important exams coming, and also remember it was when you completely fucked up your relationship with my other sister that I also had to manage, “i wasn’t doing okay” neither did i but i’ve never shut you down that I know of.)

Or at least it wasn’t for me, since then my mom ran to tell my dad to say “see our daughter is s/uicidal because of you!” (no??? I didn’t say that??? even if it was true I didn’t??) and since then had my dad using it against me on official paper (you never know true love until your dad try to tell a judge that “because of the de/ression given by your mom” you were “untrustworthy” and that therefore he shouldn’t give you any money and that you learn that upon reading the judgement’s request) and making s.uicide jokes in front of me about me to people i don’t know (which!! he did!! right before I cut ties with him! in front of clients of him!! seriously why do i have those fucking parents.) But hey i’m sure it was a good “gift” for my mom to have something to guilttrip my dad with for ONE trial which turned against her considering how he used it. WHAT A GIFT.

GUH this is something I hate, I have a lot of wounds like that that I don’t even care about anymore (or at least don’t think about because no one can change the past and it’s something to live with) and our relationship has evolved past this point, but then she says this kind of things and all that bitterness comes back full blown. 

We’ve discussed about it.  I told her. I had to hammer it down multiple times (HA. And even there how much of those conversations ended up being “it’s because of your father/your abandon issues about your sister? Because me too you know, this is hard for me too here’s how it affects me and let’s not talk about your self destructive tendencies” wow thanks mom) How can she so carelessly throw this kind of things. We’ve discussed about it more than once for fuck’s sake. And she throws it in front of my step dad, the one person we can’t talk about mental health with because the guy always have a mean comment to make about it and doesn’t believe in d/epression this family is a fucking joke.

“Kids saying “i’ve never asked to be born” are ungrateful, life is a gift that i gave you” fuuuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I don’t even know why she said that out loud, I was just walking from the living to my room and I have no idea of the context, but I legit just snapped at her telling her to fucking stop with that and she tried to defend myself like “do you know how hurtful it is to hear from a kid that they never asked to be born” you don’t say, do you know how hurtful it is to hear from your own parents that your self destructive tendencies due to how much said parents put you through are “not important”? 

Ya know what’s even funnier -because my parents told me about that- Apparently they wanted me so much when I wasn’t born yet that they almost tried to do a fertility boost while i was already a featus and it would have killed the featus to do it and it’s just last minute that they realized “wait there’s already a baby inside” - good for my parents, lost my chance it seems. (also fun fact since I was born strangled by the cordon thingy, it’s like i was too stubborn to die what a moron @ me).  AND, WHAT MY PARENTS DECIDED TO TELL ME, freaking beautiful really, is that when they did the echography to see what my birthgender was, my father was so dissappointed over hearing I was a girl (and that therefore i’ll be the 3rd girl of the family) that he left my mom who was pregnant with me at the hospital. He actually took the car and drove back home, home that was 30 mins away from the hospital in car, and he left my mom alone at the hospital. She had to call her best friend to bring her back home. My father blamed my mom because ofc he has the genetic understanding of Henry VIII.

as a result i spent my entiere childhood feeling like i wasn’t wanted by my dad bc he told me all my life he would rather have had a boy and always made it feel like i wasn’t good enough, and my mom always priviligized my sisters (which may be a result of me being the younger one of the family, but then when I was 7 I had my elder sister (who was a/utistic so my mom was always overbearing with her before she left) running away from home and my other sister who right afterward almost died due to medical complication, having my mom overprotecting her especially that close to the departure of my other sister and she kept being overprotective afterward. That may have played a part. And i mean when we come to have convos where my mom ignores me completely unless i mention my sisters? And the fact she willingly admit that she “doesn’t want to force herself to care about things she doesn’t care about” while mentioning that she has more in common with my sister than I? Ya that doesn’t help the feeling. But ya know it’s just ~the youngest sibling feeling~ lmao) - Also my mom who l o ves to remind me that apparently I was an overdynamic child who was a nightmare to take care of because I was hyperactive, so she was always tired and loves to remind that it was hard for her to handle me, that sure didn’t play at all in making me feel unwanted. Especially when she’s unable to say anything about me that doesn’t come from the time i was “an unbearable hyperactive child who completely stopped her from wanting any more children” because of course this is the kind of things you say to a child and you make good care that you only ever talk about that and not anything else about said child even if the latest actual anecdote (that isn’t “actually blowing off because this family is hell” she never mentions those lmao) dates back from when said child was 9.

(also it adds to the whole “with all the time we took to raise you” what i was taught by my parents is that i was unadequate and would never be enough, thanks - all my morals i got them in fictions and online all i’ve learnt from my parents was a caucionary tale of what I should never become. Which is also something that annoys me when, the rare times my mom says she’s proud of me, she always adds “i’m so proud to have educated you this way” and it’s always, always on subject that i’ve learnt online or in fiction and regularly things I got mad at my mom for not knowing so ye fuck that. It’s too easy to just take other’s people achievement as your own and refuse to listen when they tell you to stop.)

lmao did i ever mention too, my previous therapist and i discussed a lot about my d/epression and while i personally pinpoint my 13yo as my breaking undeniable point (because when you are hurting yourself because the physical pain makes you forget the emotional pain, this is time to stop prentending nothing bad is happening), my therapist said i had symptoms already when I was 7yo but i was too young to recognize them and since it’s the year the brain usually have a huge development, i developped all the unhealthy coping mechanism - but she also mentioned that the fact my father went to abandon my mom at the hospital because of me, was probably at least a bad vibe that carried on all my life.

So ya!!! beautiful!!! I spent my whole life from the womb to feel unwanted, to the point i completely shut down and thrived upon people appreciating me, which put me as a target for being b/ullied so much i just ended up not get too emotionally invested in anyone and emotionally distant in general after too much fuck up from my part by trying to be loved, and which was so determined to please all my life that I tried to fix everyone’s miserable lives around me until my mental health gave up completely.

(and like don’t get me wrong - my parents made me feel unwanted all my life, i was b/ullied up until high school, i lost all the friends I had before high school because of the a/busive relationship i ended up winding up into, and it fucked me over. It truly did. But I don’t think i’m “unloveable” I think just that it doesn’t matter to try. My high school friends, who are the people i consider my best friends today, are the most precious thing that happened to me and I will never second guess how they care for me. I have wonderful friends all around the world, I don’t feel “unloveable”. But i do feel like not wanting to try. If people leave, I won’t care because eh that happens. Even if i know my friends are here for me, and that I will always want to be there for them and support them, I can’t bring myself to go to them unprompted when i feel bad - even if i know they don’t consider me a burden I was taught all my life my emotions were such anyway. Things that are hard to unlearn. But there’s no “no one loves me” or ignoring completely my qualities there. I consider it a miracle i’m this kind while i’m this bitter, that I care so much about things even if i know it’s coping mechanism, but that i can still get this enthusiast about things sometimes -  and honestly when I look back i recognize that i’m strong, even if i don’t consider myself strong enough considering how everything still goes wrong and I can’t go back on my feet no matter what, so much my own physical health is sending me SOS. But i’m not blind to the point of ignoring that it takes strength to get this far- i’m just so, so tired of having to be strong all the time and knowing if i let weakness in for one moment all hell breaks loose for me.) 

“Life is a gift it’s ungrateful to tell a parent you never wanted to be born” hi, i never asked to be born, you never made me feel like i had any reason to want to be alive except for what I could bring you and you only, i’ve never thought i’d live past 18 and was s/uicidal at a young age because i felt unwanted and felt like carrying everyone’s burden. Y’know, things we talked about multiple times. 

“ye but your elder sister made it associate to a trauma” well that’s a trauma for me as well thank you very much.

See, this is what actually sickens me with my parents. This sort of thin veiled sentences that somehow hit right in the nest of everything that once went wrong in my fucking life. This sort of little sentences that are even worse to me than actual insults because it disregard again everything we talked about. If i needed more proof (and i didn’t) that my parents never listen to me or care for my feelings outside of what it can bring them, this is a wonderful exemple.

I’m angry, i’m done, this family is a fucking mess, I’m tired. bye. 

[vacanpaathy]

PREFACE : Here’s the first of 2 info posts about Brooke this is the How it works / about / changes one. Fair warning I just batted this out over 2 nights and I haven’t proof read so like..... rip yall. the next will be a more classic bio sheet

Brooke started as just a thought experiment about twin slayers while marathoning the show, I know that there’s a twin sitch in the comics since I read it with my own two eyes but 1) the comics are… Woof at times and 2) that was fraternal male-female twins, while Buffy and Brooke are identical twin sisters which in this context can mean a world of difference. Also I just went for “what’s the most narratively interesting / what’s the most fun”. HOW IT WORKS : In her main verse Brooke was called as the Slayer at the same time as Buffy. The logic here being that generally, twins and especially identical ones, are mystically seen as linked and possibly extremely similar but ultimately separate beings. In the case of Slayerness ( and likely some other mystical things tbh ) their status as identical twins confuses it and they’re considered 1 whole slayer and were both called. They both have the standard power set, their slayerness didn’t get split between the two like in the comics.  However they are still intimately linked, for example when Buffy lost all her slayer powers on halloween thanks to her costume, Brooke who wasn’t allowed to go trick or treating was still a Slayer but was only at 50% without Buffy. Even more critically when one dies the other dies as well, instantly regardless of their own status. If Buffy’s at lunch and Brooke gets shot and dies, Buffy would drop dead at the table.  I also work in my base info for her main verse to not overshadow, take away from or anything like that Buffy’s accomplishments as possible without just being like “and Brooke was there”. For example, While I tweak to have Brooke to be the one to drown in the puddle post getting drained by the Master ( Buffy is still there they just both… fuck up and Buffy just got lucky on how she fell after ) Buffy is still the one who jumps in Season 5. Brooke is there for the fight but the most she contributes to that decision is like… confirmation she’s Fine with dying since once Buffy jumps Brooke’s fate is also sealed. The one place things get truly off the rails on that front is season 4.  This info is a basic framework for her main verse, focusing mainly on the things I find kind of a big deal in both understanding her and the changes she makes to events. Some of it is malleable, some not so much generally that’ll depend on plotting and such.  Cutting here bc as you can see...... this is a Long Post.

Trigger warning : addiction and self-harm L.A. 

( I use the movie as a template for how L.A. went down along with a few short stories from the comics. )

Buffy is called at 15 and in finding and beginning to train her it’s discovered that Brooke is also the Slayer which is some wild shit. Neither take it well but Buffy is the one to become institutionalized which prompts Brooke to shut down and become more isolated. To cope with the stressful school-slayer balance she leans on substances first just coffee, then caffeine tablets and later cocaine. Brooke is there for the death of Merrick their first watcher and the attack on the gym. While Buffy is expelled almost immediately afterward Brooke is suspended but after Buffy runs away with Pike for a while to Vegas ala the comics Brooke is expelled for lack of attendance as she’s now crumbling under the weight of everything that’s happened, having no one to talk to and trying to keep up with slaying. While she’s spiraling she also is dumped by her first girlfriend, Samantha from the soccer team. Her addiction is in full swing and she meets Syd, a 19yo Australian warlock at a “party” and they quickly become “friends” and her main supply of drugs. The two of them become a duo for a time and end up with a complex and questionable relationship. She has a few very bad episodes, one full blown drug induced psychosis and would likely be dead if not for slayer constitution. Eventually everything comes to head Buffy is home, the divorce is finalized and her drug addiction comes to light. Part of coming to Sunnydale specifically is because of her rehab. SEASON 1. Brooke is out of the way for most of season 1, either living at her rehab center for the start or basically under house arrest under their mother’s watchful eye later on. She basically can only manage to help with slaying on occasion and is largely regulated to the emergency backup and a researcher. Generally the only way she can be out of the house when not at rehab or therapy is if there’s an adult with her which means she can’t really help much unless they can make up a reason she’s somewhere with Giles. It works somewhat to their advantage as between her not being around much and them being identical, it means no one in the demon community is really aware there’s currently two slayers. She, however, has her own intrigue going on as she begins to figure out that some of her fellow patients are demons ( I mean ofc it’s Sunnydale ) and upon more investigation they learn that half  the staff is also demons and it’s not an evil scheme or something to prey on the patients it’s just a rehab clinic that’s also for demons. She meets her best friend Nicholas, a fear demon, here in a group therapy session. When she finally does start at Sunnydale high she struggles to get along with Willow and Xander who are by then firmly Buffy’s friends. Brooke gravitates to Cordelia but ultimately ends up just spending most of her time with Giles after failing to make her own connections and realizing she can’t possibly try out for the soccer team. ever. Which crushes her more than she likes to admit. Like Xander, from the start she she doesn’t like Angel because of his interest in Buffy and her own interactions with older men while in L.A. but unlike Xander she held her tongue and didn’t try to stop the relationship or get in the way, wanting her sister to be happy and to live her life. She also couldn’t really get complain since it’d be hypocritical of her to chide her for being with an older guy or being cozy with a demon given her own relationship with Syd and her all her friends from rehab being… demons... By the end when they learn their death is prophesied she reacts poorly as well to the revelation, but like Buffy pulls herself together and goes to meet the Master. Both girls end up failing and are drained, by chance, Brooke is the one who lands face down in the puddle and dies taking Buffy down with her.When Brooke is revived Buffy comes back as well and they kill the Master.

SEASON 2. Over the summer with their father Brooke struggles being back in L.A. as it reminds her too much of her addiction and spends much of that time on the phone with Nic talking through everything that’s happened. While there she also runs into Syd again because, of course, who has also sobered up ( motorcycles cost money and if you ride them while high you can total it ) and gets his contact info whether she wants it or not. Cursed Knowledge. Spike’s attack on the school is the first time it’s made explicitly clear there’s two of them since he’s the first one to well, live after seeing both of them and the cat’s officially out of the bag. On Halloween Brooke wasn’t allowed to go out and was at home, costumeless, when things go south. When the gang comes to the house she leaps into action and ends up chasing after Buffy when she flees the house. She comes to the defense of her sister against Spike but quickly realizes without Buffy’s half of the slayer mojo she’s only half as strong as usual but persists against him until the spell is broken. Brooke does meet Kendra and thinks she’s pretty dang neat. When Angel loses his soul Brooke actively steps up on the slaying end, trying to protect her sister from the worst of it though how successful that it is up in the air as despite her efforts she fails to stop his actions or keep Buffy from seeing or learning about what he’s done. Brooke’s involvement comes to a head when she’s kidnapped by Angelus when out on patrol and is held captive and tortured mainly by being introduced to cocaine not too long after Giles is also kidnapped but she’s so out of it she doesn’t realize. Finally her attempts at escape actually work and she bolts out of the mansion in a haze and is only found later in a vacant lot by Nic. She ends up in the hospital and only later finds out Buffy has run away again. SEASON 3. By now Brooke and Nic have made their pact, which means that the two are tied mystically. She can summon him and he can find her. This is not something she makes anyone aware of. When Buffy comes back Brooke is extremely upset feeling that she’s been abandoned twice when she needed Buffy’s support but ultimately also empathizes with Buffy and her heartbreak. When Faith comes to town Brooke finally feels like she’s met someone she can really get along with which causes even more tension. When homecoming comes along Brooke supports Buffy aggressively and ends up being involved in the Slayerfest debacle thanks to it.  When it’s discovered Angel is back Brooke is livid that Buffy never told her but mainly focuses her aggression at Angel himself, finally making it clear she never liked or trusted him and will do what she can to keep them apart.  Skyrocketing the mounting issues between the sisters and pushing her to spend less time with the scoobies and more time with her own demon friends and Faith. As things go on Brooke feels increasingly pulled between her sister and her friendship with Faith. When Faith accidentally kills deputy mayor Brooke helps her cover it up / sides with her, reliving her own fears from her time in L.A. and having a more generally grey view of things. She also attempts to talk to Faith and get her to open up to her but ultimately fails. Brooke talks it over with her mother and decides to not go to college mainly because she doesn’t have any idea what she’d study and only now is finally letting herself mourn the death of her dream of playing pro soccer. She decides to get a job instead and begins the hunt for one with a schedule that works with slayage. Buffy’s attempt to kill Faith in retaliation for poisoning Angel sets Brooke off completely and she almost completely abandons them and leaves for L.A. until her mother and later Giles and the gang talk her out of it and she stays to help stop the mayor (and graduate). As part of the plan for the battle against the Mayor, Brooke gets in contact again with Syd and asks for his help. He arrives and decides business ( read : blood and guts kinda hardcore magic ) will be a lot better on a hellmouth and decides to stay. No one is happy about it. SEASON 4. Sadly the only job she could get was with Nic and some of their friends in their band as a singer since that’s… literally the only thing she wasn’t trash at to her chagrin. She spent much of her time in the summer at the “Hell House” the communal sober living house Nic, his wife Maria, an insanity demon, and all her friends live in to avoid Buffy and to keep herself from falling into the bad habits she really would like to fall into, still deeply upset over Faith. Over the next few months as Buffy struggles to get used to college Brooke begins to reach out again and be there for her, trying to get back to the better relationship they used to have. Occasionally she goes to L.A. with her band for gigs and naturally runs into the L.A. squad because of course that’s how the world works. With their break up pretty permanent and some therapy under her belt her attitude towards Angel is much better she’s still unpleasant but at least funnier about it. Brooke kinda has the beginnings of an alcohol problem but is aware enough to try and fend that off with some help and moral support. When Spike comes to the Scoobies for help Brooke IMMEDIATELY sides with Spike and agrees to help, scared of what happened to him and what it would mean for her friends and potentially her and Buffy. She convinces them to let him live at Hell House instead of trapped with Giles or Xander. As more comes about the Initiative she stops talking the Scoobies when Riley is around or about anything that would be mission critical and they might accidentally tell him or act on. She, her demon friends and Syd decide to attack the Initiative HQ. They kidnap Walsh then Syd uses magic to make Brooke look like her and once she’s in, they use her pact with Nic to guide him as he and Syd use Nic’s ability to travel through shadows to get the whole horde of demons they’d put together for the assault in and then shit just goes wild. In the fray Adam wakes up and escapes before the horde can get to the top secret section. Buffy and the Scoobies find out and Brooke and Buffy are back to being on the outs but work together to defeat Adam. SEASON 5. Brooke takes finding out Dawn is the Key well and basically just continues on as normal. When Joyce becomes sick Brooke spends extensive time with her trying to figure out what she wants her / them to do in the worst case scenario as Brooke knows if she doesn’t have that list she’s going to fall off the deep end if it does happen. Brooke once again tries to take on too much and take some of the stress that’s clearly effecting Buffy off her by trying to do the lion’s share of caring for dawn, their mom and slaying which puts her back in danger of dependency until they finally have a moment and figure out a balance that works for them both and plays to their strengths. Buffy is the one who finds their mother Brooke learns via Phone call. Giles calls Hell House, gets Nic who finds her and tells her. She goes with Buffy to get Dawn. Buffy is the one who jumps to save dawn / the world and Brooke falls dead when she dies.  [ Kinda was running out of willpower here so this section might get added on to ] 

SEASON 6. Brooke is not in Heaven as Brooke actually did crimes and shit and didn’t get a big heroic death to help balance that out. She is in purgatory, specifically a purgatory where the Army of the Repentant Dead fight an endless battle to hold back the endless hordes of demons trying to break through into the mortal realm. Civilizations rising to glory and falling into obscurity around them in what feels like the space of a single breath kinda thing. During the ritual to bring them back Willow works off the fact that they’re linked to try and bring them both back in one go with the spell we see in the show. Buffy, the primary target comes back fine but Brooke as the metaphysical baggage…. Not so much…. She comes back very living dead kinda exactly how you’d think something like this would go if it went bad and Syd has to come in and fix the damage done by Willow as best he can. He can put flesh on her, her heart beating and her mind more here and less "a thousand eons have passed”-y but he cannot do anything about how she reads as Dead magically. Her soul is still technically tied to the Army of the Repentant Dead and her slayer duties and such are basically counting towards that on a cosmic level. Brooke basically spends all her time trying to keep the family together as the one with access to work via the band she hates being in and her connections into the demon community. She works to the bone taking on whatever work she can squeeze in and tries to be there for Buffy and work with her through her depression and well as Willow and her addiction. She falls back on her time as a unkillable dead soldier to power through at the cost of her personality / mental state and at times her health. She asks Xander to teach her more about carpentry / construction so she can have something healthy and productive to do. Too focused on everything else she didn’t consider the nerd squad to be a real threat and shit Goes Down like it did. [ or you know…. We can say that they totally did take care of them or whatever and everything’s Chill bc….. Tara Deserves Better sooooooooooo ya know... ] SEASON 7. Brooke as successfully managed to not become an alcoholic but that’s because she’s fallen into self-harm. Not cutting or similar but hitting herself or walls / objects or just fighting. She and other finally realize this and she actively works to stop the behavior and does a LOT of home improvement until finally the shit gets real and she can focus on the war against the First. During the first fight with Caleb they realize the full repercussions of the Ritual from s6 and learn that she kinda can’t die. Caleb should have killed her and by extension Buffy but she doesn’t die. Brooke, while yes sure everything work like it should for a living person was still not brought back correctly and this is the repercussions of that. If Buffy dies though they both die and Brooke is still able to feel pain and shit so like…. being unable to die is kind of terrible. Syd is able to patch her up but needs fresh human meat to do it so that’s a new grim exciting facet of her life. Brooke once again leans on her Dead Army experience to train the potentials and help with battle plans but generally defers to Buffy as Brooke feels Buffy’s a better leader and Brooke herself a better second in command. Shit pm does down as it does from here. She’s glad to see Faith again but naturally she bounces when they kick Buffy out though not before speaking out against it.   COMICS. OH GOD I DON’T WANNA THINK ABOUT THIS RN. SHE’S DOING SOMETHING.

[bxnseki-archive]

// stole this OC questions sheet from here! super fun ya’ll should do it :’0

if you want to do it pls do i want. to kno abt ur ocs. you dont need to do all 100 bc i sure af didn’t

1. What is your OC’s name? Kimiko Ijichi 2. What is your OC’s gender? DFAB - Cis - she/her 3. What is your OC’s sexual orientation? Demi-asexual! 4. How old are they? I typically rp her as 16, but I like to imagine her in her late teens or early 20s 5. What species are they- human, animal, alien, robot, none of the above? Human 6. What is their family like? Do they have one? Yes!  She’s an only child with a mother and father.  Gengyo is a very loving and passionate father, though tends to be neurotic, paranoid, and spoils his daughter to no end.  Ritsuko is also a loving mother who puts compassion for others as a first priority, but has been struggling with her dysthymia and thus has been a less enthusiastic parent in Kimiko’s life.  More info on Gengyo here, and more info on Ritsuko here! 7. Who is their best friend? Why? Her designated best friend was and forever will be Isaki Matsuna.  Kimiko refuses to refer to anyone else as a best friend.  Isaki had been with Kimiko since early elementary school.  Her typical form of expressing affection was through taunting, and while that did seem odd to Kimiko, Isaki truly did care for and look out for her.  They were complete foils of each other; ultimately, they were perfect contrasts. 8. Do they have a partner/significant other? Why are they together/not together? Zak & I are working on a ship, but we have yet to really rp the start of it -- so no. 9. What is their most prized possession? Why is it so important? A ribbon from a beginner’s level riding competition!  It was the only competition she rode in, and she only got 7th place (they gave ribbons to all the competitors), but Isaki was there to train her, to cheer for her and put it in a really fancy frame.  The framed ribbon is nailed right above her desk at home! 10. Do they prefer to be warm or cold? She prefers to be chilly. 11. If they could only eat one food for the rest of their life, what would it be? No way would she settle for this. 12. Is there anything they’d like to change about themselves physically? She really wishes she had long hair like Isaki’s.  Down to the butt.  But she would never be able to manage it. 13. Who is the most important person in their life? Isaki was and always will be her inspiration; but from someone who is living, her father!  Although he’s eccentric, he’s the light of her life, as is she to him! 14. Are they a cat person? A dog person? An okapi person? Birds!!  She’d love to have an African gray parrot when she retires!  Calm, friendly cats seem like nice companions, too. 15. What sort of books do they like to read (if they like to read)? Mystery, thriller, crime, autobiographies and memoirs, and books on psychology mainly.  She doesn’t strictly stay with these genres, though. 16. What’s their favorite thing to do on a rainy weekend? Turn on the news channel or turn on the radio and listen to the police scanner.  Arrange her blossoms from her flower pressing into little designs to frame.  Study, ofc.  And go shopping. 17. Where were they born? Hiroo, Shibuya 18. Where do they want to live? She wouldn’t mind staying in Japan, but doesn’t need to stick with where she’s living now (Ikebukuro).  She does prefer big cities, though. 19. Do they have a job? As a student, no.  But during college she’d probably get a part time job as a waitress or something before getting her internship.  Then she’d intern at a therapy facility only to start work as a psychologist & therapist.  Slowly but surely, she’d move her way on to more difficult, struggling people involved with touchy cases.  But that wouldn’t be until she’s in her mid-30s. 20. If they could work anywhere, where would it be? Chicago.  A big city full of crime. 21. Do they use any sort of weapon? If not, what would they want if they could have one? When she starts to work as a criminal psychologist with rather dangerous people, authorities would prompt her to keep a taser on her.

22. Do they have any sort of special power/what power would they want? Nope.  Wouldn’t want any.

23. What’s their fashion sense? Form-fitting comfy young hipster librarian with pastels.

24. What do they think of snakes? Interesting, but keep them away from her or so help me God.

25. What is their biggest pet peeve? Regarding someone as a bad person for mistakes they have made in the past.

26. What is their greatest fear? Not being recognized for her work in her department, and that she won’t be able to help any of her clients or the police force.

27. Do they have any sort of disability, disorder, or health issue? I am thinking about her having dysthymia like her mom, or some other form of depression, since trauma can be “passed down” and she’s gone through a lot.  Still trying to figure out where and how that’d fit though.  She’s also lactose intolerant if that qualifies here.

28. Who is the person they hate the most in their life? She tries not to hate, and she doesn’t truly hate anyone, but her ex-boyfriend Hoitsu Mifune is someone she really, truly, strongly dislikes.

29. Is there anyone they want to be more like? Isaki.  She was always super cheerful, fun-loving, spontaneous, and very go with the flow.

31. Their home is on fire- what do they do? Get out of there according to the fire escape plan she and her family have practiced.

32. Do they like children? Yes!!  While rowdy ones tend to annoy her a bit, she still likes them all the same!

33. Would they rather take a short cut or take the scenic route? Depends on where she’s going.  If it’s a lazy day with no plans, scenic route always.

34. What’s their strongest belief? If you don’t care for others, you’re not human; you’re a monster.

35. What’s their opinion on lying? It can come in handy from time to time, so long as it’s not meant to harm anyone.

38. Which family member are they closest to, if any? Her father as of lately.

39. Do they ever want to get married and/or have kids? YES. YES. YES. YES. yes.

40. What was the hardest decision they ever had to make in their life? Going to see Isaki’s father in the hospital while he was on his death bed.

41. What was the happiest day of their life? Not sure.

43. How did they meet their last/current/future significant other? Or their best friend, if non-applicable? She met Isaki in elementary school when they were partnered up together to do a report.  They were inseparable after that.  After Isaki’s death, Kimiko met Hoitsu when she was 15 through a teammate on the tennis team.  They were together for nine months before she ended it.

44. If they were a class in a fantasy RPG, what class would it be? Probably a cleric.

45. Do they have any birthmarks or scars that they’re embarrassed by? She does have some birthmarks running up her legs and some on her chest, but she’s not embarrassed by them.

46. What’s their favorite color? Lavender

47. Do they have any piercings or tattoos? Do they want any/any more? Her ears are pierced, but that’s it.  She’s content with that.

48. Have they ever tried drugs or alcohol? Nope!

49. Are they an idealist or a realist? Idealist

50. Are they more introverted or extroverted? Extroverted!

51. What is their main goal in life? To become a criminal psychologist.

52. What are they willing to sacrifice to accomplish that goal? Her time, her well being, her friends.

53. Would they ever kill somebody (what would they consider a justifiable reason to kill someone?) Nope!  Not at all.

54. Have they ever kissed someone? Do they want to? She kissed Hoitsu a few times, though he was uninterested by it.  She likes romance, so I guess she wants to?

55. Have they always been comfortable with their sexual/gender identity, or is it something they’ve struggled with? No, she doesn’t even know she is demi-asexual.  She just thinks she’s uninterested because she isn’t ready to be sexually intrigued by someone.  Which is technically true.

56. Do they have any special ability or marking that sets them apart from others of their species/race? Why is it so remarkable or strange? Nnno?

58. If they had a Tumblr, what would they blog about? TBFH. she’d probably be either a studyblr or post about psychology and self care.

59. Any kinks or fetishes? Rich-Looking People.

60. If they only had one day left to live, what would they do? Say her goodbyes to her friends and family, then cry.

61. If they found a wallet with the equivalence of 200 dollars in it, what would they do? Find the ID and report it to the police to be given back.

62. If they live in a world without magic/without mainstream magic, do they believe in magic? Excluding Kiyo, no she doesn’t believe in it.

63. If they could have any pet ever, what would it be? AFRICAN GRAY PARROT. PLEASE.

64. Who is the person they admire most? Why? Isaki; go back to #7 and #29

65. Do they think they are attractive? Yes!

66. What is their biggest regret? Not asking for Isaki and her family to stay home the night of the crash.

67. What would they do for a klondike bar? she’d kill a man

68. The most important person in their life has been bitten by a zombie/whatever qualifies as a zombie in their world. Do they put them out of their misery, or try to find an alternative? Find an alternative.  If it resulted in having to kill her father, then she’d kill herself afterwards.

69. Is there anyone in their life they just can’t say no to? Why? Her mother; she knows she’s struggling with a lot of things and can’t seem to balance all she needs to, so she wants to help her in any way possible.

70. Are they more math, science, or art oriented? Science!

71. Is there anything they like that would be considered geeky in their world? Forensics??? Maybe?  Just knowing and spewing weird trivia about it?

72. Did they/would they leap at the call to adventure, or were they/would they have to be dragged along? If asked, she’d happily tag along, so long as safety is guaranteed.

73. Do they think there is more to life than whatever they are doing right now? Oh yeah.

75. What’s their most positive trait? She’s utterly compassionate.

76. What’s their fatal flaw? She’s utterly compassionate -- to the point where she needs to baby those who are struggling, which in turn sacrifices her well being and ultimately doesn’t help those she’s caring for.  Savior complex tbh.

77. What do their friends/family/teammates find most annoying about them? She’s loud, most jokes go over her head, she’s blunt, and she probably is nosy about their lives.  She just has to know if they need her.

78. What are their biggest strengths? She knows how to remain calm and rational during a panicked event; compassionate; ambitious; does her best not to be judgmental.

79. What are their weaknesses? She has a savior complex; very invasive about personal lives; self-sacrificial; depressed; spoiled.  Fun fun.

80. What is most memorable about their appearance? Uhh either her height or her eyebrows?

82. Do they dwell on the past, or live in the moment? OH BOY.  She preaches about living in the moment, and accepting and learning from the past to progress in The Now.  BUT.  She dwells.

83. Why is their main goal so important to them? What set them on that path? Becoming a criminal psychologist interested her at the age of nine; it was said to be an exciting job that paid very well.  But after Isaki’s death and evidence to show that she was involved with drug use/dealing and underage gambling, Kimiko changed her mindset.  She now wants to become one since she knows criminals are still people.  She wants to help them in any way she can, to help them lead healthy lives again.

84. Do they believe that people are inherently good? YES. She’s adamant about it.

87. Is there any other fictional character you would compare them too, personality or appearance-wise? tbh I did start to design her with traits from Ishimaru and Kirigiri.  So I guess them?

89. What sort of music do they/would they like? Pop!  Soft pop about romance is typically what she listens to when she’s doing her work.

90. What do they consider the worst evil in the world? Abuse, cruelty and neglect to children, as that traumatizes them and sets them up for a difficult life, only to repeat the abuse to their children.

91. What’s the closest they’ve been to dying (or, if they’re already dead, how did they die)? She attempted suicide soon after Isaki’s father died in the hospital, as he was the last of her immediate family who was living.  She attempted by hanging, but her knot was lousy and undid itself.

93. Do they like their name? Is there any name they’d rather have? She does!  Ijichi is a name rather well-known since her father’s family has an attorneys practice starting with her great grandfather Ijichi.

94. What is the significance of their name? Kimiko ( 君子 ) means “noble child”; Ijichi ( 伊地知 ) I cannot find the meaning of for the life of me. Italy, earth, knowledge? idk

95. Have they ever been bullied? Have they ever bullied anyone? There’s always bullying in the school yard; she’s never been horribly bullied, nor worried too much about it.  Isaki was the one who would usually torment others, so Kimiko was just her henchman.

96. Are they a light or heavy sleeper? Average?

97. What do they dream about when they sleep? idk, random things. Dreams are weird.

98. Do they prefer an urban or a rural setting, or something else? She does like rural settings to stay at for a while, but ultimately she’s a big fan of urban settings.

99. Is there any moment or event that they feel defines their life and who they are now? Isaki’s death.

100. Why is this character important? To you, and/or to their world? Oh man.  When I get an idea for an OC, it’s always in a short spurt, so pretty much all my OCs are really under-developed.  But for whatever reason, I stuck with developing Kimiko.  RPing her also helped SO MUCH in terms of figuring out why she is the way she is and adding new traits and perspectives to her. idk.  I just love her a lot and I’m glad my pals here like her as much as they do. ;;;