#while also feeling like nobody made you get into this boat (except maybe the 19 year old) with basically no safety measures

[more-gremlin-than-fae]

I reblogged this once already without commentary but actually I am team "Do" BUT and this is the part that leads to most of these tragedies: "Do it with respect"

The ocean can and will kill you, without pity or remorse, whether you're on or under it.

But you can make exploring it safer by:

respecting the decades of expertise that go into the classification and certification of vessels instead of saying shit like “The vast majority of marine (and aviation) accidents are a result of operator error, not mechanical failure” - yeah, you know why, dipshit? because there are fucking standards in place for the mechanical stuff which, unlike people, operate in expected ways because they meet those standards

respecting that things can and will go wrong and having an actual plan for emergencies instead of coming to it with the attitude "At some point, safety is just pure waste" - Listen, you will never make anything 100% safe, especially not in the ocean, but that is not the attitude I want the person in charge of designing or signing off on safety protocols to have, good lord. You know what you can have instead of a ship with a Starlink*, an X-Box controller and a door that bolts on from the outside? Electromagnetic ballast, and multiple methods of communication on board, and a locator beacon, and a door that you can fucking open from the inside so that if and when shit goes wrong, your boat will goddamn float to a place where the radio works and you can be rescued and in the meantime there is air to fucking breathe. Certified submarines are built with multiple redundancies because even with certifications and the best inspections in the world, stuff. goes. wrong.

respecting the weather conditions - you know why they were going to be "probably the only manned mission to the Titanic in 2023"? BECAUSE THE WEATHER CONDITIONS WERE LOUSY. It was the worst winter in Newfoundland (which is saying something, boy howdy) in decades, every other group that might have had the intention to do a manned mission looked at that same weather window these guys saw and went "Nope, the sea is changeable and the weather this is year is more fickle than it's been in decades, no thanks"

*Y'all I HAVE a Starlink and it is actually genuinely better than many internet providers - like it's equivalent to a fiber connection and I remote in to work on it most of the time - but also it stops working when: it gets too hot, it gets too cold, it does not like where it is in the garden, i haven't signed in to my account in awhile, and between 3 and 3:15pm every day because there is a tree branch casting a shadow on it for that 15 min window, IT SHOULD NOT BE A KEY PART OF YOUR SAFETY GEAR because it is still new technology that is prone to unexpected failure.

And even if it wasn't [points at multiple redundancies line above], boats carry: a radio, lights, an airhorn, an anchor or three, a big-ass flashlight or spotlight, signal flares, signal flags, and these days probably GPS, not to mention the adults on board having cell phones just for a day sail. You know why? Because conditions on large bodies of water can and do turn at the drop of a hat and if you don't have safety gear, you could become the cautionary tale.

We set out once to sail locally from like, Vancouver to, I think we were heading for Bowen - not even crossing the Gulf - and when we started it was overcast but it was not even supposed to rain. Next thing we know, it's goddamn snowing. And not just snowing because the wind has picked up (enough that it caused the jib to rip) so it's whiteout conditions. We're still in Burrard Inlet but we cannot see more than a couple of meters on any side of the boat - the sky is white, the sea is white, all you can see is snow on all sides where not 5 before we were in comfortable sight of the shoreline.

We know we're near Lighthouse Park, but we can't see the lighthouse and we don't know if we'll see the rocks before we run into them. So here is teen me scrambling up the boat in nothing but a sweater (with a PFD over it) and jeans frantically pulling down the damaged sail, while my dad tries not to steer us into any rocks and my mom is trying to pull out the GPS unit (which was a new thing for itty bitty sailboats like us to have at the time) and the air horn and the PDFs and whatever we had in the way of cold weather gear. If we hadn't had the GPS (or the boat engine) to get us back to False Creek, we might have had to try and anchor out until conditions cleared or edge towards shore and hope we didn't run aground while we tried to find to a shoreline to follow back.

I could hear my parents but not see the cockpit of the boat (that is roughly 20ft) and the sea was rough enough that I was likely to end up IN it, if I'd tried to get back, plus we needed someone at the bow to keep watch for hazards. I spent a very miserable time the whole way back huddled in the front of the boat, using the broken sail as both cushion and emergency blanket, while my parents got us back to our moorage safely.

TAKE YOUR SAFETY MEASURES SERIOUSLY OR DON'T TAKE TO THE SEA

I think the thing about the ocean is that it does not want us there, and it can kill you so much to prove this.

Look, SOME of us grew up repeatedly hearing The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald from a young age and that Lake Superior never gives up her dead. The ocean is like that but MUCH BIGGER and MORE.

Do not!

[abthepoet]

All my friends are dead.

Something strange is trending in my life.

All my friends die.

At the beginning of my sophmore year in college, my roommate from freshman year died tragically in a single vehicle car crash. Her name was Allison Lynam. We called her Blake. She was sassy and funny and I wish I would've taken more time to know her.

The rain was torrential the night she died. I swear I've never seen it rain that hard ever again in my life. She drove to the store along Highway 36 in Long Branch,NJ. She had off campus housing that year and had to use the highway often. The road was terribly flooded the night she died. Im told she hydroplaned, spun, and T-boned the driver side smack into an electrical pole. Her family still decorates it.

At that very same moment, in my dorm room nearby, I was watching TV when the lights suddenly flickered and dimmed. A brown out.

I had no idea but that was my friend crashing into a pole and dying. She was 19 years old.

I know this because that accident happened near the mall. That accident killed the power to nearby businesses.

I later found out that the road she died on was so badly flooded, the police intended to close it. Why they didnt get to it in time, I'll never know. Maybe that's fate.

Then there was Jessica Blain. Jessica Blain was a firecracker of a human being. She was 100% unmistakable. One of the loudest, funniest, most loyal people and friends I have ever met. She was also an incredibly gifted singer and I was lucky enough to have Chorus with her. We, along with a small group of friends, founded a new greek organization on our campus, Alpha Xi Delta. We were paired up as Twins. (you can't have Bigs & Littles when you're just starting the Family Tree). We named the family we formed Fuck Up Your Shit. Because that's what we'd do for a friend. I miss her laugh most of all. It was loud and unapologetic. She was there for me, supportive, and encouraging without me ever having to ask. The night I officially finished college we all went out to the local gay club, The Colosseum. I got wasted, of course. But Jess was the person who when I shouted 'I have to pee' on the ride home, she stopped and knocked on strangers doors and asked to let me use their bathrooms. Nobody said yes so she held my hand while I peed on a fence instead. I remember the last time we spoke. She was at a concert with a mutual friend. We hadn't spoken much since I graduated, she was still in school.

She died in her dorm room bed on Halloween as a result of asphyxiation during an epileptic seizure. She was 20 years old. The news was broken to me that very same Halloween night as I floated along in NY on a concert cruise. The World/Inferno Friendship Society decided to host Hallowmas, their annual event, on a boat this year. Nothing like being trapped on a musical boat while you grieve. I had messaged her AIM late that night to say hi. She had an away message up. I may have sent a message to a dead person. I miss her friendship more than I realize sometimes.

That brings us to James Padden. James was a warm, snuggly bear of a guy who always tried to do the right thing and let me steal his hoodies. He insantly became my best friend in a Stepbrothers-esque manner. I met James working overnights at Wawa in Leonardo, NJ. I forget how it started now, but we were standing in front of the deli and I think I tossed him a broom or he already had one. . . I cant remember now.. . . but he just took one look at me with that mischievous little twinkle that I quickly returned and we instantly began sword fighting with our brooms. Like two little boys playing pretend and having a ball. He was sweet and silly and kind. I needed a ride, and he loved to drive. Our first winter as friends, we went out doing donuts in the snow. I barely knew him, but I felt safe. We smoked a ton of weed and had so many adventures trying to procure more. One time, we got so high driving to a Dropkick Murphys concert in NY we kept going in circles, missed almost the entire show save for the last 3-5 numbers, and had a blast. I can barely remember the night, but I remember laughing hard in that car. No one could talk to me like James. We were both insecure being chubby kids and adults, but so charismatic and grandiose that I sometimes thought we were the only two who would put up with listening to each others wild ideas and ridiculous banter. We would smoke joints and take adderall and talk about everything and anything. I miss the safety and closeness I felt with him. We were always 100% platonic, but we could nap together, I could walk into his house and jump on him in bed and wake him up. Then we would cook ourselves a breakfast feast and hit the beach. He taught me to always take the back roads. I gave him advice on the ladies. He taught me about fixing cars. I helped shave his back. He called his new pick up truck, a pick'um up truck. We could wax philosophical all damn day and not get sick of each other.

It wasnt just driving he loved, it was going fast. Like so many young white men, he had tendency to be a little reckless. The universe gave him a pass only so many times.

I'll never forget when he got his motorcycle. It was the last time I saw him. It was a bright green crotch rocket. He loved lime green. I was doing yoga in the living room when I heard this obnoxious engine rev down my street. I asked myself, who the hell is making this noise?! And it was James, grinning from ear to ear with a matching helmet on his shiny new toy.

before he left I said, 'you die on that thing, I'll bring you back to life and kill you." I remember giving him this very long and intentional hug and not knowing why I felt compelled to hang on.

When he left and hopped back on the bike, I felt compelled again and took a video of him riding away from my driveway until he was entirely out of sight.

That's my very last memory of him alive. James Padden died on Thanksgiving five days after his 25th birthday. He went out for a joyride on his bike before dinner, opened up to 100mph around a curve where he couldn't see a car pulling out around the bend in time. They called a medevac, but he died on scene. I loved James dearly and I regret drifting apart after we both left Wawa and I started a new relationship. He had stuff too, but in hindsight it never seems important.

Then there's JB. I will always remember JB for his kindness and generosity. The very first time I finally worked up the nerve to go to a poetry slam, I was alone and terrified. I had no idea what to expect. JB was the very first person to turn around, introduce himself, and welcome me. He made me feel like I belonged. Years later, when I won the title of Grand Slam Champion, he immediately offered to help coach me for national competition. Except, I didn't see the messages and left them unanswered, which I deeply regret. When I started hosting my own open mic a few years after that, JB would be one of the only people to consistently come support the show both as an audience member and participant. It was at a pizza joint and he would sometimes buy me food when I had no money. He wrote beautiful poems about his two young daughters and how much they inspired him. JB always tried to make people laugh but you could tell he carried a sadness. I did not get details, but from what I have gathered he made a choice to end his life. I wish I would have gotten closer to him and appreciated him more as a friend and person. I wonder if he felt no one cared about him and I feel like I should've let him know more.

Which brings us to Crys. Crystopher Anthony Diaz was a Scorpio with a big heart and a big personality. I met him on Myspace back in the day and started Web camming. We became friends and eventually fell into this gray area of friends, together, but not. It wasn't long before I was spending days at his place, killing hours at a time downloading music, making Wawa runs, and smoking weed with his roommate at the time, Syd. You know, the whole reason I worked at Wawa was Crys suggesting it. And Wawa is the reason I met James. Crys was unlike anyone I'd ever met. He was poetic and artistic and loved animals, especially pit bulls. He loved to draw and write and had this very out loud style that favored Earth tones. He taught me about fashion and insisted on getting dressed even if it was 1am and we were just going to Wawa because you never know who you might see. We would buy new clothes at Walmart and have photo shoots. That boy drank his weight in coffee daily. If it's one thing I'll always remember him for, it's the dancing. Dancing was a passion of his and always used to talk about wanting to form a dance crew. Eventually, we ended up living together for four years. My first apartment was with him in this piece of shit duplex rented to us by a slumlord in Keansburg,NJ. My relationship with him was always defined by our Aries/Scorpio dynamic and he never let me forget it. His birthday was October 30th, mischief night. One time, after we had moved into a new place, we decided to get revenge on our old downstairs neighbor by taking a finished lobster carcass and throwing it on his lawn. . . . . . . Keansburg had a terrible stray cat problem. 😁

I have so many memories with Crystopher. Unfortunately, towards the end of our relationship things became too tumultuous. We had too much unresolved baggage and trauma to find a healthy place emotionally together. We were so financially strained for a time we hardly ate. And then when he met his new girlfriend Laura, she introduced him to her good friend, Roxy. As in Roxcicet. aka Blues. Neither of us knew what that even was at the time. But he sure learned quick. He started using them pretty frequently as time went on, and things only got more complicated. My mental health took a nose dive. By the time I moved out our relationship was trash. I basically left. At the time, I didnt have a choice. things had gotten so bad between us, the money, the using . . . we didn't act like friends anymore.

I saw him a couple times at his new place but that was years ago. Since then, he went through a lot, including homelessness and more struggles with addiction to opiates. He reached out to me and sent me a message apologizing for everything a couple years back. I never responded. I was afraid I would let him back into my life and let the all the problems back in. I didnt trust where he was at in his life. We lost touch and stopped speaking.

His ex, who used to live with us and became my friend, messaged me and told me he died a few days ago. He was 35. I'm still waiting for information, but it may have been drug related. I'm not even sure where I'm at with how I feel. I know why we stopped talking. It was the right thing to do at the time. But he didnt deserve to die so young, having spent the last god knows how many months homeless. It's fucking with me so hard because we never resolved anything. I loved this person so fucking much and we never made peace. Of everyone I've lost, he was the closest to me. I've had a lot of people die on me but none that I lived with and shared a life with. I have more memories with him than I can handle and while I know we hadn't spoken in years and why, I still wish I would've said something. Done something. Yes, i needed healthy boundaries but he needed somebody. when is being firm too firm? If we would've helped, could it have been different? But we didn't want to help at the time, you try to be tough and draw a line. Be firm. Not let yourself be taken advantage of. But is that a defense? Did that defensiveness leave a human being who's head i used to scratch until he fell asleep out in the cold to get sicker and die?

What am I supposed to learn from all this Universe? Why do you take my friends so young and so tragically? I'm only 35, I'm too young to have this much loss.

Because these are just the major players I've lost. It doesnt include my cousin Jared, who died being reckless on a motorcycle at 21 two years ago. I was 15 when he was born. I loved that baby, he used to bite my nose. But his family lived far, so I rarely saw him growing up. Last time I saw him was at my grandfather's funeral. He didn't remember me and the nose biting.

And then there's Marcos who we used to chill with. He worked delivery for our favorite chinese food place. He was a nice kid who lived with his grandparents. We would get food, smoke weed, hang out a little. Even used to buy it off him for a while. Eventually he got into the opiates too, he even wound up being good friends with Crys and being Blue buddies. But eventually Marcos died from an opiate overdose. He was in his mid twenties.

I didnt want to include Ricky because he was more of an acquaintance for me, he was more my partners childhood friend. But god damn, in the time I knew Ricky that kid was a riot. He was loud and funny and definitely marched to the beat of his own drum. Drugs took him too.

Thanks for reading all this if you've made it this far. It's taken me about two hours to type this out on my phone. but i needed to. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk

[celticheartedfangirl]

25 Fucking Stupid Writing Choices OUAT Made

This post is a snarky response to Adam and Eddy’s little humble brag article that came out today:

http://ew.com/tv/2018/05/14/once-upon-time-crazy-storylines/

This is meant to be snarky and critical and if you don’t like that -- don’t read it.  (MY post, not the link above.)  

Look, I am a OUAT fan an there are many things I love about the show.  But there are many I just DON’T LOVE and I think they’re worth discussing.  If you don’t like criticism, you won’t like this post.  That’s fine.  

Thank you for all the suggestions!  I think I got quite a bit crammed in here.  

Under the cut for length and so as not to upset those who only want to ‘think lovely thoughts’ . . . . . 

25. Here’s a magic doohickey thingy we’ve never heard of before but NOW we’re using this thing.

Look, I’m not gonna list all the MacGuffins this show has used, I’d be here all day and there are worse things they’ve done, and this IS a show about magic after all.  

But there’s also such a thing as overkill.  And there was too much MacGuffin use that we didn’t know about before in this show. It was far too convenient and usually used as a cop out in lieu of – you know – actual STORY TELLING. THAT is my MacGuffin issue.  Don’t use it to replace character development.  We’re not here for that.  

24.  The Lost Boys/The Untold Stories and Other Dropped Plots

So the Lost Boys -- Did they get homes? Did they grow up?  I don’t know!  Do you?  Of course not – we’ll never know!

What about all those Untold Stories folks?  Weren’t there a bunch of them?  Are they still meandering around in Storybrooke?

Edited to add:  Maleficent and Lily.  SO SORRY I forgot to initially include you in this one.  My bad.  You are missed, ladies!  

Edited once more to add:  Poor Gideon.  Both parents dead and his extended family doesn’t give a shit about him.  Or at least I assume so because we don’t know where he is.  The child of Beauty and the Beast -- treated like a disposable plot device.  Nice.

OUAT is great with creating and LOUSY with follow through.  I know there are many others.  But there shouldn’t be.  There shouldn’t be that many dropped plots on this show.  If you’re not going to follow through with a story line, why add the characters AT ALL?  Speaking of that . . .

23.  JFC, how many new characters do we NEED on this show???

Especially since you still haven’t figured out what to do with some of the ones that are CONTRACT PLAYERS on your show!  Hey, didn’t Archie and Ruby used to be those?  (Waves hi to Belle!  Also the Charmings post S4.  More on that later.)

22.  You know – Rumple is Henry’s GRANDFATHER

He is!  Really!  

You’d never fucking KNOW IT, would you?  The erasure of any sort of familial relationship with Henry/Rumple was a damned shame.  And much of that, I believe, was because if they acknowledged THAT, they’d have to mention the character they want us to forget.  More on that later.

21.  The Shattered Sight Hype

Remember what a BIG DEAL the whole Shattered Sight thing was gonna be in S4?  OMG people say what they REALLY FEEL about each other!  It’s gonna be EPIC!!!

And then it – wasn’t. We basically got some Snowing/Evil Queen snark, Henry bitching at Hook, and Belle – well, Belle was asleep – what else is new?  

I think of all the things that were PROMOTED as something amazing for this show – this is the one that was a big old dud and a whole lot of NOTHING.

20.  Belle’s mom/Belle is written out of her own storyline in S6

In Family Business we met Belle’s Mom for about two minutes.  Then she was dead.  And Belle didn’t remember what happened.  And then – we never heard about it again.

I don’t know about you, but I wanted to know what happened there.  Why didn’t Belle remember?  Did Moe get a roofie magic thingy from Arthur?  Did Belle’s mom turn into an ogre and she killed her and blocked it out?

SO MANY possibilities there. But hey – it’s just Belle.  Why write a story for HER?  

In the same regard -- whatever your thoughts are on Rumbelle in S6 (MHO – it was garbage and an OOC shit fest, but that’s just me) – what happened with Gideon – Belle’s SON – was because of HER CHOICE.  Choices have consequences.  And in GOOD WRITING – the person that MADE the choice that caused the mess is supposed to be the person to help CLEAN IT UP.

But apparently – it was a better thing for ZELENA of all people to be the one to do that.  And Emma and Hook too.  Because why the hell not, right?  That makes all the sense.  

Yes, Rumple played his part too in the whole Gideon mess.  And he did get to take part in the resolution.  But that was something they should have done TOGETHER (what a concept!), and overall Belle was just – not part of it.  Even in the last two minutes they sidelined her with a sprained ankle.  Absolutely ridiculous.    Which leads me to . . . .

19.  Belle being sidelined since Season Two.

OUAT brought the lovely Emilie de Ravin onto the show as a regular cast member in Season Two, and had no fucking idea what to do with her character.  So she gets fridged.  She gets stuck in the hospital, left behind while the rest go to Neverland, she’s very fond of naps, she’s forgotten about in Camelot, not cared about while in a sleeping curse because the “heroes” care more about “stopping” her “evil” hubby (see #17) and written out of her own damn storyline in 6B (see #20) – and then she’s dead. (More on that later.)

I love Belle.  I love Rumbelle.  And I will forever be resentful that for the bulk of her time on the show, the character of Belle, one of my fictional heroes, was written as nothing but a plot device.  She deserved so much better.  

18.  The Musical Episode

I mean – if this nonsense (and it WAS nonsense) had moved the story forward, I could maybe – MAYBE – let this one slide.  But it didn’t.  It just rehashed the same shit that we had been talking about for 6 seasons.  And then Hook married Emma and her Stepford Wife conversion therapy was complete.  (More on that later.)  This episode WILL NOT HOLD UP in the future.  Future generations will be “WTF-ing” all over the place with this one, mark my words.  

17.  Rumple is a Hero – no he’s a Villain – No wait he’s a hero, nope a villain, make up your DAMN MIND WRITERS!!!!!

I got whiplash trying to follow the trajectory of Rumple’s story, as many times as they changed his characterization.  He’s a villain – then in 3A he’s a hero.  Then he’s the victim of a molester and kidnapper and show doesn’t address that AT ALL. Oops he’s evil again.  Except now he’s not – his heart is PURE!  He pulled Excalibur out of the rock, he’s a HERO! Nah – he’s dark again.  Bad Rumple!  Oooh now he’s REALLY DARK and his fetus with no brain stem hates him and his wife is living on a boat with his sworn ENEMY while pregnant, so he traps here there (!!!!!) and he’s macking on the Evil Queen . . . come ON.  Enough already.

Rumple is a complex character.  You can’t just flip/flop willy nilly with a complex character.  You have to know how to write them as nuanced, and CONSISTENLY complex but never falling fully into one camp or the other of ‘good’ or ‘evil.’

Rumple is played by Robert Carlyle, one of the best actors around.  And the ONLY saving grace from the horrible writing of this character over the years is the fact that Bobby knew how to play him most of the time – even when the writers didn’t know how to WRITE HIM.  Which was almost ALL the time.  

16.  Hook is a Dark One/Resurrecting Dead Hook/Hook the Gary Stu

I toyed with ranking the dark one higher on the list and as its own thing because really, this reveal caused the biggest MID EPISODE ratings drop in the history of the show up to that point.  Nobody liked it.  Nobody wanted it. And it ended up being a setup to the ‘Save Hook’ trajectory because of COURSE of all the characters in the history of the show, HE was the one that deserved saving THE MOST.  But I think all of these things tie together.  

What this moment did was solidify the fact that Hook was officially a “Stu” character.  He definitely had Gary Stu tendencies up to this point, and was basically an irritant to anyone but CS/Hook fans, but from here on?  That’s pretty much all he was and all he’d ever be until he was replaced (or should I say upgraded?) by his doppelganger.  

I combined the DO/Save Hook/Stu thing because it was in the Underworld that Hook’s full Stu-pification took place.  There wasn’t a line of people he had murdered wanting a word with him – as there SHOULD HAVE BEEN.  

And Hook still got to keep all his murder trinkets when he got resurrected and made out with his girlfriend over Robin’s grave.  What a guy.

15.  Regina/The Evil Queen Stay Split

I’m just saying – wouldn’t it have been better character growth for Regina to have to live with her ‘evil’ half than to split it off?  And no, the ‘heart mixing’ thing doesn’t count.  I get that the whole thing was really fan service to the Outlaw Queen fandom.  But that doesn’t make it good writing.  

14.  The Wish Realm

Oh, I could write a whole post about this (and I may do that at some point) but there are so many damn holes in the whole Wish Realm mess I wouldn’t even know where to start.  But so many things about it just DO NOT line up in a sensible way.  And even if you find one that DOES, it’ll create three things that DON’T line up.  

I’d have bought a ‘parallel universe’ over the ‘wish realm’ stuff.  They could have gone with that and it would have made much more sense. But you know – they wanted dead Belle, dead Baelfire, dead Snowing, no Emma and old Hook so – Wish realm it was. I just got to a point where I didn’t care anymore.  But that doesn’t negate the stupid.  

13.  The Timeline

The timeline in OUAT made sense – and then it didn’t.  And then they just stopped trying.  And I stopped caring.  But for paid, professional writers – just not cool.  DO YOUR JOB!!!!!

12.  Will Scarlett

Do I really need to say any more here?  No? Didn’t think so.  Moving on.  

11.  Neal’s Apartment in New York City

Have you ever been to NYC? Places of residence are at a premium there.  There is no way in hell that an abandoned apartment wouldn’t have been emptied and taken over by a new resident in that much time.  And I’m sorry, but odds are Neal did NOT pre-pay his rent for TWO YEARS out.  

10.  Belle and Hook – Best Friends Forever!*

You know – no woman with a brain in her head would befriend a man who straight up tried to murder her FOUR TIMES.  So, either Belle doesn’t have a brain in her head, or that’s some crap writing right there. (My vote is with the latter if you’re wondering.)

It was bad enough when Belle was just handing over the dagger to “Hook” in S4 (yes, I know it was Rumple but details shmetails, Belle didn’t know that), but a PREGNANT BELLE going to live on a boat with Hook to be ‘safe’ – come on. Who does that?  I get that Adam and Eddy wanted to wave the middle finger at the Rumbelle fandom, but they could have found a way to do that without making Belle look STUPID.  

*Honorable mention to Belle/Zelena being friends which was equally as stupid

9.  Zelena is Marian

Come ON – they pulled that one out of their asses halfway through S4 because they wanted to find a way to bring back Bex.  There was NO INDICATION of that until the reveal.  Because it didn’t EXIST until the reveal.  Ridiculous.  

8.  Making the Charmings Supporting Players

Starting with S4, Snow and David basically became secondary characters.  They had MOMENTS, but overall they were on the backburner and if they left the show at any point – would it have made a difference to ANY of the trajectory they were playing out?  I’d say no.  

I mean – how the hell did that happen?  How do you run out of ideas with the couple that you touted as THE ‘main couple’ after only three seasons?  I don’t get it.  

7.  Golden Queen

Just no.  There was never anything romantic between these two characters.  It was stupid and out of character for both of them.  No.  

6.  Queer baiting 101

If you gender-swapped either Emma or Regina – made one of them a man – they’d be banging by S2 and by the end of the series they’d be married with at least two more kids and three break-ups/reunions between them.  (Hey, I watch soaps, I know how this shit works.)

The chemistry between the actors is there.  They share a kid.  But they’re both women.  And you know – family show -- #nohomo and all.   Sure.  

The writers KNEW that Swan Queen was popular.  Now okay – if ABC didn’t want to go there, fine.  I don’t agree with that, but fine.

But don’t keep freaking queer baiting your fans every chance you get!  It never stopped.  In fact, it got progressively WORSE as the show went on!  That’s just bullshit right there.  Either do it or drop it.  Because what OUAT did with Emma and Regina and the baiting of their fans was just flat out shitty.  

And if that weren’t bad enough, we got the whole queer baiting with Mulan/Aurora, and THEN in S5 we’re handed Dorothy/Ruby as a token olive branch to the LGBT community and then – we never see them again!  

Okay, in S7 they got on the right track with Alice and Robin.  I will give them that.  But after six years of baiting, it kind of rang hollow for many, and rightly so.

5.  Hey, Here’s a Person of Color – Let’s Kill Them!

One of the first warnings I give to any new OUAT is ‘don’t get attached to any POC’ and with good reason. They don’t last long on OUAT.

Now I don’t want to assume or accuse any of the OUAT writers of flat out racism but . . .. . you’ve gotta admit – they don’t have the best track record there.  

It’s especially obvious when they bring on a character that is compelling and portrayed by a charismatic actor that the audience enjoys.  Lancelot, Merlin, and Facilier are the three best examples of that. Okay, so Lance was resurrected but – where’d he go?  Is he still trying to undo dead-Arthur’s roofie on Guinevere?  

And then we have an amazing hero and a compelling villain in Merlin and Facilier, respectively.  Both of these characters – and their actors – were bright spots in the show.  So naturally – they needed to die.  Without their storylines resolved.  

But it was just a coincidence that they weren’t white.  Of course it was.  

4.  The Death of Belle

Yeah, yeah, I know, Beauty was a beautifully written episode and Bobby and Emilie loved it and we got some great moments, blah blah blah . . . . . . but was it NECESSARY?  Did they REALLY NEED to kill off Belle?  You’re telling me that there’s absolutely, positively, not one plausible scenario for S7 wherein Belle is in Hyperion Heights and Rumple can find a way to rid himself of the darkness WITH HER THERE???? Really?  They couldn’t write even one lousy full season of Rumbelle (hello BEAUTY AND THE BEAST) happy and in love with struggles but still beating the darkness in the end?  Really??? There weren’t any options for that scenario AT ALL????  Give me a break.  

3.  The Stepford Swan

Over the course of seven years, many of the OUAT characters suffered with out- of-character moments. It’s not uncommon and I would even venture to say that this happens on occasion on MOST television shows.  But on OUAT, it was a common occurrence from Season Four onward.  And NONE of the characters experienced as much of an out of character de-evolution as Emma Swan.

When we first met Emma Swan she was a badass, intelligent, independent woman.  Yes, she had her issues and her inner demons and we saw her work past those as the series progressed.  

And then . . . . she got a boyfriend.  And he became the center of her universe.  And Emma – changed.  The writers (and Jennifer Morrison) will swear up and down that it was an ‘evolution’ but I’m sorry – a character that starts OUT like this:

Does not END UP like this:

That’s not evolution. That’s a shell of a woman dependent on a man for her self-worth.  That’s NOT who Emma Swan is.  This was THE worst character assassination on the show, and I’d say it’d be up (down?) there in the top 10 (er, bottom 10?) of worst character assassinations in all of television. What a shame.  

2.  Rapists – rapists everywhere!

Once Upon a Time has always been marketed as a family show.  For a family show – there’s sure a heck of a lot of rape in it.  

The first CANON rapist we have is Regina and her 28+ year imprisonment and repeated sexual assault of Graham.  Regina came a long way as a character in the show’s 7-year run – but it would have done great service to her if this had been addressed somehow.  Now, I know that Jamie Dornan is all famous and off making money playing Christian Grey but – you know, in this particular case – I’d have been good with either a recast or at the VERY least an apologetic mention.  But we never got that.

And that’s the problem with every rapey issue on this show – it’s never addressed for what it is. In fact – it’s really not addressed at all.  Hook’s rape jokes in S2 are treated like ‘playful banter’ by the writers, cast, and viewers alike.  Zelena’s ‘Hester the Molester’ stuff with Rumple in S3 doesn’t even warrant a discussion. Hook’s rapey innuendo in the CS movie is also waved off.  Then we have Zelena raping Robin in S4, Arthur magic roofie-ing Guinevere and probably raping her in S5 (Is she still roofied?  Who knows!), and Mother Gothel raping Nook in S7.

That’s a hell of a lot of rape for a “family show.”  And aside from the off-handed comment from Robin about lack of consent with Zelena, none of it is addressed for what it is – RAPE.  

1.  The Death of Baelfire/Neal Cassidy

In Season One there were three main story line arcs driving the series:  Regina’s war with Snow White, Emma as The Savior, and Rumpelstiltskin’s quest to reunite with his son, Baelfire.  All three stories intertwined, and it only made sense that the trajectory of the show would be that in the end, all of these characters would somehow come together, as they all were tied to one character:  Henry.

Unfortunately, the writers made the foolish decision in Season Three to execute one of the main (if not THE main) driving forces on the show.  Baelfire/Neal was connected to all of the aforementioned people, and his loss was a blow to everyone.  At least it should have been. But that’s not what we saw.

Not only was Neal/Baelfire killed off – he was flat out ERASED from the show.  His name from the point of his death on was rarely brought up. We didn’t get to see anyone truly mourn or grieve him.  (Okay Rumple, but BARELY – and anyone who has lost a child understands that it’s quite possibly the deepest type of grief imaginable.  I’m told you never get over it.)  As the show moved forward, you could literally spot the times when the writers made deliberate dialogue choices to avoid saying the name Neal/Baelfire in places where it not only made sense, it was WARRANTED.  

Let’s be REAL here – we all know the “reason” Bae/Neal was written off the show.  I don’t care what the writers say.  I’m not an idiot and neither are you.  And I’m sorry, but if the ONLY WAY you can think of to make a “romance” happen on a show is to kill off a character that would be forever “in the way” of said romance – you’re not a skilled enough writer to be writing a television show for a major network.  I mean – it works in spiteful fanfic (which I am more than guilty of writing).  But for a television show?  The viewers deserve better than that.  NEAL/BAELFIRE and every character that ever loved him deserved better than that.  

I know I probably missed a bunch but I really did try to hit the highlights and put them in the order they deserved.

Thoughts?  Comments?  If you think I’m missing a tag for this (I’m doing my best) let me know and I’ll add it.  

[swithe-ist]

OKAY TUMBLR LISTEN UP

Hi hello I'm a now ex-lurker who absolute loves the Cryptid Squad, though not necessarily the way they've handled the story's presentation. The episode today plus trailer has me absolutely frothing about what's to come so I'm afraid I'm going to have to dump all my stupid fucking jumbled ideas  right here........

'One Man and His God'

Obviously the god is Gaskell. The man is Hanssen.

And this story, this whole year's worth: it's Hanssen's backstory. All of it.

I read last week a convincing theory about how Lana was John's daughter, about Roxanna and the Two Bad Parents she's stuck between, the only thing that niggled was that Roxanna is such a new/blank character and David was such a flicker – we don't know anything about their relationship except that John introduced them and that he had dementia.

now I’m thinking Lana's identity is a red-herring. A pretty good one too, I think, despite how boringly presented.

After this ep's Albie's convo: she absolutely nailed it on the head when she sussed that John had deliberately seperated her from Henrik. She also sussed that Lana wasn't the first. He's been at this... thing of his a long time. He said it: it's his life's work.

“He's coming here because of you, Henrik. And this team. Because of what you've fostered.”

During the autumn trailer, there was a flash of a dream-sequence where John is telling Henrik that 'nobody dies today'. Whose fantasy this is is a toss-up (favouring it being HHs), but I think either way it's significance is not hugely altered. Neither man fantasizing that way is a good thing. But consider: ever since G got to Holby, how H has been deferring to him all the time: “Actually I came here to see John.”, “What does John think?”. How hesitant to question him, how he felt he had to apologize to him last week, when he yelled at him in that weird scene in the lab and then abruptly walked off.

WHAT IM GETTING AT:

Clearly this flashback ep is going to reveal that G has been Svengali-ing the two of them their whole lives. We know Hanssen suffers depression, and that being known, I reckon G wasn’t completely fabricating R’s mental health issues (though they haven’t been mentioned before). I read someone somewhere remark that R & H were talking like cult-members about him, and honestly.......

(lol Jac’s “Hanssen dancing around oompa-loompas like a child who’s just found out Willy Wonka’s coming to stay”)

Season 19 build-up?

It has struck me how like to Dominic Copeland that G physically at least has been made. Athletic, the curly hair, the hair-cut even and the piercing blue eyes. I'm feeling like I have to also point at the whole Isaac SL, how Hanssen percieved what was going on. A reverse Gaskell-ing.

Fredrik and his Coincidently Also-Deadly Research was Gaskell too, I reckon, while he was off globe-trotting. If he knew HH then he knew his history, his father’s Biotek corp and of H’s obviously equally vulnerable son

Honestly I think Henrik became the secretive, intimidating, inscrutable Mr Hanssen because of Gaskell. That's the endgame. Maybe I’m stretching it with the S19 shit, but hell, I’m thinking about the Sahira Stalking Shitshow now I’m writing this. And his attitude to Ric in S13′s “The Second Coming” (*cough*)

I confess to also thinking there’s a deeper gay-ish thing between him and G, one-way though prob. And maybe not even realized by G. Isolating HH could have merely been because he was more malleable. This is more Dom-HH vibing, but I’m thinking back to the boat-sailing. And the small scene where he observes Dom pining over Arthur.

It’s fascinating but also bleak as fuck and makes me wonder what they plan to do with Hanssen after this SL wraps. ‘Screaming across a lake’ worries me though.

Anyway, lol, hit me up with your theories I need more fuel for my dumb soap love.

[imjustthemechanic]

The Stone Knight

Part 1/? - Two Statues Part 2/? - A Curious Interview Part 3/? - John Doe Part 4/? - Escape Attempt Part 5/? - Making the News Part 6/? - Fallout Part 7/? - More Impossible Part 8/? - The Shield Thieves Part 9/? - Reality Sinks In Part 10/? - Preparing a Quest Part 11/? - The Marvelous History of Sir Stephen Part 12/? - Uninvited Guests Part 13/? - So That’s What It Does Part 14/? - The What and the Where Part 15/? - Gearing Up Part 16/? - Just Passing Through Part 17/? - Dinner with Druids Part 18/? - Kracness Henge Part 19/? - A Task Interrupted Part 20/? - The Red Death Part 21/? - Aphelion Part 22/? - The Stone Giants Part 23/? - Nat the Giant Killer Part 24/? - An Interrogation Part 25/? - Guilt Part 26/? - Rushman’s Brilliant Idea Part 27/? - Hunter in Hiding Part 28/? - Ridiculous Part 29/? - The Guy from Barton Part 30/? - Sherwood Forest Part 31/? - Buckeye’s Fall Part 32/? - Robin Hood Part 33/? - Fantasies and Consequences Part 34/? - Swords of Damocles Part 35/? - The Road to London Part 36/? - View from the Top Part 37/? - Storming the Castle Part 38/? - Beneath the Chapel Floor Part 39/? - Jurisdiction Part 40/? - Royal Assent

If anybody’s wondering, the reason I never use the Queen’s name is because she’s a stand-in of sorts - she’s not meant to be the real Queen Elizabeth any more than the president in the Marvel movies is meant to be a particular president.

I’ve been waiting this whole fic to use the phrase ‘barmy git’.

           Having taken in the contents of the pit, the woman in pink turned her gaze to the clandestine archaeologists who’d uncovered it. “What’s all this, then?” she asked, peering nearsightedly at them.

           Everybody else was standing, but Sir Stephen laid his sword on the ground, and held his shield at his side as he took a knee. “Your Majesty,” he said, inclining his head respectfully.  “Behold the Holy Grail.”

           “I’m beholding it,” said the Queen.  “How’d it get here?”

           “William the Conqueror hid it here,” Nat explained. “It was originally in Scotland. We don’t really know what it is or where it came from.”  Her mind flashed back to those ridiculous conspiracy websites that said it was from outer space.  That suddenly didn’t seem so unlikely.  “The people looking for it are responsible for all the weird things that have been going on the past few weeks.  The hospital collapse in Raigmore, the stuff on Flotta, the Loch Ness Monster, all of that.”

           The Queen considered the contents of the hole, then tossed her purse into it.  It landed on top of the upper slab, and a bit of the black fluid between the two licked up to drag it off and down out of sight, like a fish snatching an insect from the surface of the water.  Seeing that, Natasha was certainly glad none of them had tried to use the object as a stepping stone.

           “Who’s in charge of nonsense like this?” the Queen asked her bodyguards.

           “Cornelius Fudge?” somebody suggested.

           The Queen was not amused.  “I’d prefer somebody who actually exists, thank you,” she said, and beckoned to the group in the apse.  “Since it seems like I’m not going to Monte Carlo this morning, I think you’d better come and tell me what’s going on, someplace where we don’t have to shout to each other from either side of an open portal to hell.  Someone put something over this hole so nobody falls into the abyss,” she told her followers, “and we’ll take this lot back to my place.”

           Nat was pretty sure that was the strangest way anybody had ever been invited to Buckingham Palace.

           “Your Majesty,” Sir Stephen protested.  “We cannot leave the Grail unguarded!  The Red Death now knows its location, and he will surely come for it.”

           “The Red Death?” the Queen frowned.  “You mean, Count John Totenkopf from the poem?”

           “The very one,” Sir Stephen said.

           “Then before we go, somebody better ring the Prime Minister and get the army in here,” she decided.  “I’m gonna go wait in the car.  You,” she pointed at Allen Rushman.  “You look like you need a good stiff drink.”

            She tottered off again, with her bodyguards around her and Allen in tow.  The rest of the security guards stayed behind, looking nervous and keeping well back of the open pit.  Another twenty minutes or so went by with everyone just standing around, and then more people started to arrive.  The first of these were soldiers, who brought some big sheets of Dunbar plate to lay across the Grail pit.  Nat tried not to show how nervous she was walking across this, but the substance between the stones didn’t bother them.  Maybe, she thought, you had to be touching it for it to do anything to you.

           In the upper levels of the keep, scientists were preparing equipment and military types were clearing space to set up a command post.  People looked up and watched as the soldiers escorted the group past them, but everybody was too busy to try to talk to them, although some did point and whisper to their co-workers.  Nat wondered what they’d been told.

           Outside, police and military were cordoning things off. The Tower grounds, which had yesterday been full of tourists, were today full of soldiers.  Two helicopters were lowering supplies and gear on chains. Men were taking sandbags off trucks to build up fortifications, while others gathered up things like the animal sculptures and the old bronze cannon and moved them out of the way.

           “Didn’t you say your Queen wasn’t able to call up an army?” Sir Stephen asked Nat.

           “I said she couldn’t force civilians to fight,” Nat corrected him.  “She does have an army.”

           “I have to admit, I didn’t know she could actually give it orders,” said Sam.

           “Probably she’s never tried to,” Sharon observed.

           A sleek black limousine was waiting for them at the Tower’s entrance gate, where the tourists normally waited – a few early risers were already there, being kept back by the police as they tried to figure out what was going on.  Inside the car, the Queen was sitting watching while one of her bodyguards fed sashimi to a pet corgi.  Across from her, Allen Rushman was sipping a glass of something, trying not to look awkward.

           “Oh, here’s the rest,” said the Queen.  The corgi got up on its stubby legs to growl at them, but she put a hand on its rump and made it sit down again.  “Sit, Lancelot,” she ordered.  “They’ll have your hairs all over them soon enough, and then you’ll just assume they’re yours.”

           After days of riding in increasingly cramped rental vehicles, nobody wanted to get back into another car – even a spacious and comfortable one with a built-in bar.  They climbed in regardless, though, and Nat took a last worried look back at the Tower.  It was positively crawling with people now, busily setting up defenses and weapons as if they were expecting an actual medieval siege.  More were arriving by the minute, both by air in helicopters and by water, in boats on the Thames.  Would all this do them any good, she wondered, or was it a lot of show for nothing?  Would the Red Death find it intimidating, or laughable?

           Not far away was a man in an olive-brown coat and peaked cap, with a gold cord on his shoulder – a general.  Nat went up and tapped him on the shoulder.  “Excuse me,” she said.

           The general turned around.  He was a very dark black man with a bald head and a short beard, and peered at her with his left eye while the right one, a slightly different colour, looked off in another direction.  “Can I help you?” he asked.

           “You need to put horseshoes over every door and window in the outer wall,” said Nat, feeling a little silly but at the same time sure he needed to be told.  “And don’t clear the ivy from the outer walls – surround the windows with it if you can.”

           “What for?” asked the General.

           “Keeps the fairies out,” said Natasha, staying deadly serious despite her urge to smile.  It was no laughing matter.

           “Do what she says, Nicky!” the Queen shouted from inside the car.  “It’ll let me get out of here faster!”

           “Yes, your Majesty,” said the General, and nodded to Nat.  “Horseshoes and ivy.  Got it.”

           “Thanks.”  She let herself smile, and glanced at his pocket to see his name.  “General Fury.”

           Nat climbed in the car, which as large as it was, could just barely hold them all.  It didn’t help that nobody wanted to be the one who sat next to the queen – or angered her corgi.  The dog kept looking at them out of the corners of its eyes as the limo pulled away, as if daring them to try something.

           “So who are you lot, exactly?” the Queen asked.

           “I am Sir Stephen of Rogsey,” Sir Stephen said. “Also from the poem.”

           She nodded approvingly.  “You’re even more handsome than I imagined you.  Pity you couldn’t have turned up when I was in my twenties.  I’d have climbed that like a ladder.”

           Sir Stephen thought for a moment, then simply pretended she hadn’t said anything.  “I understand you are the distant descendant of William of Normandy,” he added, “but if it is your intention to keep England and her people safe, and to keep the Grail from the hands of the Red Death, then you shall have my sword and my fealty for however long you and I shall both live.”

           “Very good, I accept,” said the Queen.  “I don’t have any holy oil or whatever nonsense on me at the moment but I’m sure we can work something out later.  What about the rest of you?”

           “Robin Hood, of Sherwood Forest,” said Robin, perhaps hoping for some flattery of his own.

           The Queen looked him over.  “Not as handsome as I imagined you,” she decided.  “Still, one can’t have everything.”

           Robin sat back, disappointed.

           “The rest of us are real people,” said Nat, then glanced at Allen and amended the statement, “almost all of us.  I’m… I’m Dr. Rushman from the archaeology department at Dundee University, except I’m actually a former Soviet secret agent.  My real name is Natalia Romanova.”

           The Queen cocked her head.  “You totally sure about that ‘real person’ thing?” she asked.

           “Most of the time,” said Nat.  “You’ve already met Allen,” she added.

           “He’s your father, except not, because you conjured him up with a wishing stone the same way that barmy git in Scotland conjured up a lake full of monsters,” the Queen agreed.  She looked at Sam and Sharon.

           “We’re the boring ones,” said Sam.  “I’m Dr. Sam Wilson, formerly of Raigmore Hospital.”

           “DI Sharon Carter, of the Inverness Police,” said Sharon.  “Probably also formerly, once they find out what I’ve been doing.”

           “I’m sorry about your colleagues, Dr. Wilson, that was dreadful,” said the Queen.  She held out a hand, and the bodyguard paused in hand-feeding the corgi in order to give her a snifter of brandy.  “I always feel awkward at this bit,” she admitted, swirling the glass in her hand a little.  “As if I ought to be introducing myself in turn, but it’s not as if you don’t know who I am and it would be a waste of time to pretend.  So let’s skip that, and you can tell me about this Grail thing.”

           “I think Sir Stephen is the best person to do that,” said Nat.

           Sir Stephen started at the beginning – he explained how he’d learned of the Red Death’s own quest for the Grail, and how he’d gotten involved in it.  Nat, Sharon, and Sam each described how they’d been brought into the adventure, with Nat telling about Allen’s arrival and Sharon Robin Hood’s.  The Queen listened, and had her bodyguard refill her brandy.

           “I’d have said you were all daft as badger sandwiches if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes,” she said, as the car finally turned up the Mall through St. James Park, towards the palace.  “So what are you going to do with it now you’ve found the thing?”

           “That’s the part we’re stuck on,” Natasha admitted. “Originally, we were going to sneak it into Kazakhstan and shoot it into space on an old Russian rocket, but when we came up with that we were picturing something I could put in my purse.”

           “Even I don’t have a purse that big,” the Queen agreed.

           “So for the moment,” Nat went on, “we just need to keep the Red Death away from it, while we figuring out something else.”

           “I’ll find some smart folks and put them on that,” said the Queen.

           “There’s one other thing,” Natasha added.  “I’m worried the Red Death might try to bring something like those golems into the city, and if he does…”

           “You’re proposing we evacuate London?”  The Queen sipped her brandy thoughtfully.  “I don’t think it’s ever been done.  We didn’t even evacuate during the Blitz.  The shores of the Thames probably haven’t been empty in three thousand years.”

           She was probably right.  There’d been a prehistoric settlement there before the Romans arrived, and then Londinium had soon grown into the largest city in the province of Brittania.  After the Empire fell, London had remained important in Saxon times and right through the Middle Ages.  It had burned down several time, but people always came back.  The wealthy fled the Black Death but the rest of the population had stayed put and weathered in.  Londoners didn’t get out of the way of oncoming disaster: they just hunkered down and sat it out.

           “We’d better try it now, I think,” said Nat.

           More military types were waiting in the palace’s red-carpeted foyer with updates for the Queen – the Tower Bridge had been raised, and the nearby streets barricaded.  The Tower complex itself was being fortified and manned as if for war. The castle probably hadn’t seen this much military activity in a couple of hundred years.  Announcements were being prepared for radio and television asking people to leave the city due to a potential terror threat in the Southwark district.  Members of Parliament had already departed for the countryside with their families, and police were being dispatched to make sure traffic kept moving and everybody didn’t try to board the trains at once.

           This was all something of a relief to Natasha, and she could tell to the others as well.  So far they’d been fighting this weird battle alone, believing that they couldn’t enlist any help because nobody would believe them.  Now that they actually had the Grail uncovered, people couldn’t disbelieve, and they suddenly had the resources of a country at their disposal.  Nat still wasn’t sure it would actually help, but it did feel like a weight lifted from her shoulders.

           That, in turn, meant that for the first time since she’d learned about the disappearance of Mr. Pierce from his warehouse in Scotland, Natasha could actually relax. After being so tightly wound for so long, it was downright bizarre to sit calmly eating breakfast while other people dealt with things.  Especially when the breakfast was eggs benedict and poached salmon in a gilded palace dining room, with men in wigs and frock coats looking down their noses at her from the enormous paintings on the walls.

Whatever else Nat could say about this week, she certainly couldn’t claim it hadn’t been full of new experiences.

[laughriotgrrrl]

Iliza is wrong. But it’s not her fault (kinda).

By Bobbie Oliver On Twitter: @TheBobbieOliver

Iliza Shlesinger begins her interview in Deadline Hollywood ok, “a big part of my comedy is wanting to speak to women and people that are my age in a funny and relatable way. I think the landscape of what’s available out there for women is not as extensive as it could be.” So far, so good (except the limiting it to people her age). But, then she goes on to say:

“I’m so glad you asked that [the way she portrays female comedy in her new project] because I put in those sketches and no one’s ever asked me about it because I think people were too busy laughing in agreement. As a comedian, I have a set of morals. I have a specific point of view. I think a lot of what I see out there, out in comedy clubs, watching contests, watching TV, watching movies—gathering data from these different matrixes…

When you’re a woman in comedy and you get a break, people get so excited about it, but while we have to work hard to get that attention, I do think many women think, “Oh if I just act like a guy, if I go for that low hanging fruit…” Everything’s about sex, or how weird I am. It all just kind of runs together.

I could walk into The Improv, close my eyes, and I can’t tell one girl’s act apart from another. That’s not saying that 30-something white guys don’t all sound the same sometimes, but I’m banging my head against the wall because women want to be treated as equals, and we want feminism to be a thing, but it’s really difficult when every woman makes the same point about her vagina, over and over. I think I’m the only woman out there that has a joke about World War II in my set. I think shock value works well for women, but beyond that, there’s no substance. I want to see what else there is with such complex, smart creatures.”

I included the quote so no one could say I misrepresented her words. Those were her exact words. Since this was released, Iliza has been bombarded with responses from female comics (myself included) because it turns out people weren’t just “laughing in agreement” and that she did not succeed at talking to women “in a relatable way.” Did Iliza look at those comments, think ‘hmm maybe I am missing something and should listen to these women’s collective experiences?’ Spoiler! Um, no. She doubled down; she attacked; she ranted and raved and blamed women with (since deleted) tweets to the effect of ‘women shouldn’t complain about what I said; women just need to get better; my experience is more valid than yours; I worked TEN WHOLE YEARS and nobody gave anything to me; everyone is just jealous; if it doesn’t fit you, don’t be offended...’

There is SO MUCH to unpack there, and I may be all over the place cause I’m pissed I have to sit down and blog about this shit AGAIN. I just got finished producing the 3rd Annual Laugh Riot Grrrl Festival, which features over 100 female comedians each year in a week’s worth of shows and activities. I was feeling pretty good about the state of women in comedy (rare for me) and thinking we just smashed the Patriarchy, even if it were just a little. And then, I turn on my computer to see yet another dick dissing women in comedy, setting us back instead of propelling us forward- and this time that dick was a fellow female comic. I am angry, yes, but mostly I am disappointed. But, Iliza said this is her experience and we have to take that as gold. Well, here is my experience...

I started doing comedy in college at 19 years old in 1988 (a little longer than TEN WHOLE YEARS). As a elder in the comedy community (I am 49, been doing comedy for 29 years, teaching comedy for 13 years, wrote a critically acclaimed book about comedy, own a comedy school, was on the road for years on the East Coast and moved to LA 20 years ago, etc), I feel like it is my OBLIGATION not only to create as many opportunities for women in comedy as possible (in addition to my women’s comedy fest, I produce women-only open mics, feminist comedy shows, etc), but to elevate other women as often as I can ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC INTERVIEWS. No, I am not rich or famous. Probably never will be. But, I have made my entire living off comedy most of my adult life and my experience matters, too.

Saying women shouldn’t be offended by her lazy answer in an interview if it doesn’t apply to them is like Trump saying Mexicans are rapists and black people are criminals but don’t be offended if you aren’t those things. Nice try. And women just need to get better?? Seriously? Do you know how tired you sound? How many racists have said, in response to being confronted on lack of diversity in their school, business, organization, ‘black people just need to earn it like the rest of us.’ Yeah, cause Obama was the first black man to ever be qualified to be President? Not even close.

Iliza, your experiences are a lot more limited than you realize. Ten years is nothing in comedy and you know that. It is a well-known adage in comedy that it takes 10 years just to find your voice. Getting to your level of success in 10 years thanks to Last Comic Standing (and yes, I and many female comics voted for you, and don’t regret it) is a fast track to the top, bypassing decades of work that other women have put in. Did you deserve that? Sure, why not? You deserve it as much as anyone. But, don’t pretend it didn’t come fast and relatively easy. Because of that, you haven’t worked in as many low level rooms as most of us, so your experience is limited mostly to comedy clubs. Comedy clubs rarely book women, even more rare to have two or more on a single show. All the years I was on the road, I was only in a comedy condo with another woman TWICE. The comedy clubs that do book women are not booking a representation of the best female comedy. Just like Justin Bieber being mega rich and famous is not a representation of the best in music.  A more accurate comment would have been, ‘I walk into the Improv and they only book a few women and all the same kinds of female comics. Comedy clubs need more diversity.’

Iliza was right when she said that the “landscape of what’s available out there for women is not as extensive as it could be.” Therein lies the problem. But, you don’t begin by basing the state of female comedy on the “handful” of women you see around. For one thing, I know women who have been unbooked from shows with Iliza because her ‘people’ told them she doesn’t like to have too many women on a show (if those emails are false, she should take that up with her people). Also, most headliners, Iliza included (in my experience) don’t stay in the room and watch all the other comics. I am guilty of that, too. It’s easy to roll up in the club right before your set and leave the room right after. I mean, what comedian wants to watch every other comedian? But, that limits your ability to accurately report on the state of comedy. Because I produce so many events for female comics (and have to be in the room), I see hundreds of women perform yearly in open mics, standup shows, festivals, sketch groups, etc. By producing events like my yearly Women in Comedy Roundtable, I get to/choose to listen to women A LOT. Those women are trying to speak now, and we need to listen and really hear them.

Let’s also talk about smart comedy, low hanging fruit and using our comedy powers for good or evil. I have mutiple degrees, am extremely well-read and follow politics very closely. I don’t think I’m unusual. Most comics make it a point to have informed opinions. Iliza boasted that she’s the only female comic with a WWII joke. Well, she’s not. And, even if she were, what the fuck does that matter? I talk about politics, rape culture, feminism, homelessness, as well as marriage, kids, my Trump-supporting  dad, and occasionally, will make a pussy reference if I goddamn feel like it. Men are never policed on their dirty joke subjects, on their ‘bad language’ so I will not be, either. All the hateful rape jokes men tell, and we are worried that a women said, ‘pussy,’ really?? And my pussy does not hang low, thank you very much.

Iilza, like every person you ever hear say women aren’t funny enough, is a victim of the Entertainment Industrial Complex. Art is not TV. If you see a limited number of women and those women all make similar jokes (all jokes that Iliza herself has made), you are not seeing a fair representation of women. You are seeing the ones that made it past the gatekeepers in one way or another. Perhaps they are funny, but perhaps they are also hot, don’t rock the boat, know their place or were in the right place at the right time and got lucky. I have always rocked the boat, never accepted their idea of my place and have never been hot. I do feel lucky because I make a living performing standup and writing jokes for other comics. And I can tell you that I am AMAZED by the state of female comedy. Absolutely flabbergasted at the depth and talent and wit of the incredible women I get to (because I make it a point to) work with weekly. Right after the festival, I was quoted as saying that the only way I was able to get through 14 shows in one week is because every women was not only hilarious, but SO DIFFERENT from each other. My husband, comedian Chris Oliver, said the same. We also book tons of men and, frankly, some of them run together in my mind. Sometimes I can’t remember who made which shitting my pants in traffic joke and which ones told which rape jokes. I mean, let’s face it, MOST COMEDY IS HORRIBLE. It is. It’s painful. But, a lot of those comics get better and wiser and more likeable. Some are given regular spots at the Comedy Store (by some, I mean men, of course) and have an opportunity to grow and reflect and change and improve.

Feminism is already “a thing,” and we are equal, no matter who acknowledges it. As feminists, we need to use our comedy powers for good, to help a sister out. Iliza mentioned hiring women on her show and as openers for her. That’s great. Honestly. It is. Does it make you Feminist of the Year? No. In that major public platform, Iliza was given a chance to be heard by more people than most comics, especially women, ever get. She did not widen the landscape for women, she relied on tired old easily-disproven stereotypes that will not elevate us a profession, but will serve to help keep us as second class citizens in comedy. That statement validated every person who thinks women aren’t funny enough. I mean a famous female comic said it, so it must be true.

There is nothing wrong with misspeaking. We all fuck up. But, after the shock and anger wears off, it’s time to take a real look at our own misconceptions and the role we play in the fight as a whole. And did anyone ever figure out what that “one point” about the vagina is?

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Vernon Fiddler’s impression of Kevin Bieksa – Yes, this clip is years old. But Fiddler announced his retirement this week, so let’s all enjoy it one more time.

The second star: Ilya Kovalchuk – Apparently, making fun of Phil Kessel has gone international.

If recent history is any indication, I look forward to Phil reading this, having a good laugh, waiting a few years and then absolutely ethering Kovalchuk while pretending he doesn’t realize he’s doing it.

The first star: This photo of Matt Duchene – The Avalanche somehow made it through the summer without trading their disgruntled forward, and there was talk he would report to camp. He did, saying he was there for his teammates, but something tells me he might not be thrilled about it.

Things OK, Matt? Blink twice is you want Garth Snow to lower a rope ladder from a helicopter.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: The Calgary Flames have made a dramatic show of pulling out of talks with the city for a new arena. Now the team, with some help from Gary Bettman, is making vague threats about someday moving.

The outrage: Absolutely nobody thinks they’ll actually move. This is just an old-fashioned shakedown.

Is it justified: Sure. We all know the game by now. Some pro sports team cries poor (while refusing to open the books) and demands a massive handout from the public (while refusing to pay it back). It almost always works. In Calgary, for now at least, it hasn’t.

That’s because Calgary’s mayor basically called B.S. on the whole thing, offering the team a reasonable deal but nothing more. Now, the Flames are trying to turn this into an issue for next month’s election in hopes of winding up with a new mayor who’ll gladly shut down a few public services so the Flames can have a rink just like Edmonton’s except maybe with bathrooms. It helps that Seattle just got an arena deal, meaning there’s a semi-credible threat to try to beat Calgary fans over the head with.

It’s a bluff and we all know it, but that’s life in pro sports these days.

Still, there are two points worth making in all of this. First of all, let’s deal with Bettman, who made a surprise appearance in Calgary this week to turn up the heat. He did the usual Bettman routine, making snide comments while disingenuously pretending he was there to help.

It’s frustrating, right? Luckily, regular readers already know how to handle this.

“… and since I’ve been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that.”

See? It works! I’m telling you, we’re on to something here.

More importantly, a word about Calgary fans.

Yes, we all know that Bettman and the Flames are full of it, that public funds for arenas are almost always a bad idea, and that this is all a big act that will end in some sort of deal eventually. It’s easy to watch all of this unfold from the outside with a “been there, done that” weariness.

But it’s different when it’s your team. Even if the odds of all this being forgotten in a few years is 98%, that 2% chance that it could all somehow go horribly wrong and wind up with Johnny Gaudreau leading the Seattle Space Needles onto the ice for the 2019 season opener is a pretty traumatic thought for diehard fans to process.

So if you see some Flames fan freaking out over the next few days and weeks, maybe resist the temptation to tut-tut them about the realities of municipal economics. They don’t need that right now. Instead, just tell them it’s going to be OK, agree that none of this is fun, and give them the same support you’d want if it was your team being threatened with relocation because a billionaire had a tantrum.

Because the way this league works, someday, it probably will be.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

So yeah, since the Flames are moving I guess we should pick a player from Calgary while we still can. How about someone from the last time the franchise moved? This week’s obscure player is winger Ken Houston.

Houston was drafted in the sixth round of the 1973 draft by the Atlanta Flames; future 46-goal man Blair MacDonald went one pick later. Houston made it to Atlanta two years later and played five seasons before the team moved to Calgary, where he played two more. He was a decent two-way winger, scoring 20 goals six times over his career.

He was also involved in two notable trades. The first saw him go from Calgary to Washington in a package deal that saw the Flames acquire the pick they’d use on Perry Berezan, who’d one day score one of the most famous goals in franchise history, kind of. A year later, the Caps traded him (and future broadcaster Brian Engblom) to the Kings for Hall-of-Famer Larry Murphy. Houston retired after the 1983-84 season.

Here are two other notable things about Ken Houston. One, he joins guys like Cam Newton and Chad Johnson on the list of NHL players who shared a name with a more famous football player. And two, he’s almost certainly the only player in the entire history of hockey to ever break the jaw of Dave “The Hammer” Schultz but also get one-punched by Darryl Sittler.

Be It Resolved

This week, ESPN asked 30 NHL players what one rule they would change if they had the power. Be it resolved that we should do this way more often, because the results were fascinating.

You can find the article here, and I strongly encourage you to read the whole thing. Once you’ve done that, head back here, because we need a thorough power ranking of all the responses.

No. 30 – Connor McDavid: He argues for bringing back the red line, and he’s not alone; two other players give the same answer. But McDavid’s reasoning stands out: “Just because teams are now — they just trap. They just sit back. Put the red line back in and everyone has to come back and regroup and build speed and come through the neutral zone.”

He’s basically saying that bringing back the red line would hurt the neutral zone trap, which is… what? That doesn’t make any sense. And he seems to know it, because he basically starts talking himself out of his own answer right away. But still… Connor, dude, really? You think that would help? Were you even alive for the 1995 Devils?

(Does math.)

Oh, dammit. We are all so, so old.

No. 29 – Marc-Andre Fleury: “Less contact with goalies.” Yes, that’s the big problem facing the NHL these days. The goaltenders have it too rough.

No. 28 – Tanner Pearson: He wants to lower escrow payments. I too would like to have more money than what I’ve legally bargained to receive. I also want a pony for Christmas, but that’s not happening either.

No. 27 – Ryan Getzlaf: “I’d penalize guys for diving more,” said the guy who plays on Ryan Kessler and Corey Perry’s team. I guess he wants more opportunities to work on his penalty killing?

Nos. 15 to 26 – Everyone who said something boring: Slightly smaller pads, tweaking the offside rules, more consistent officiating, changing the icing rules … These aren’t bad ideas, necessarily, but come on guys. You have one rule change and you go with something the league already tries from time to time? Boo.

No. 14 – Shayne Gostisbehere: Shayne wants to make teams have the long line change twice a game instead of once. Not the most exciting answer, but not a bad idea.

No. 13 – Martin Jones: No more leaving your feet to block a shot. See, Marc-Andre, not all goalies are afraid to do their jobs.

Nos. 6 to 12 – The seven(!) different players who all mention playing in the Olympics: I’m with you, boys. Maybe talk to your union about putting it in the CBA it next time.

No. 5 – Jeff Skinner: Just for this quote, which I will leave out of context: “When I hit their knobs and I think it’s going in, and it’s not a good feeling.”

No. 4 – Jack Eichel: “No offside. Just hang down at the other end and wait for the puck to come there.” Hell yes! I don’t even necessarily agree with him, but I love that answer. This kid is only 20 years old and he’s already going full “NHL 94 options screen” on us. By the time he’s 25 and has a couple of Hart Trophies he’s going to be turning off line changes and switching the goalies to manual control without telling anyone.

No. 3 – Max Domi: He wants to make the nets bigger. Actually, he wants to make them “just huge” and seems to be mostly kidding, but he’s the only one who names the one simple rule change that could most improve the game overnight, so he ranks near the top.

No. 2 – Johnny Gaudreau: Death to shootouts. Well, he says “make the three-on-three in overtime go until someone scores,” which is basically the same thing. See folks, that’s why his nickname is Johnny Hockey and not Johnny Glorified Skills Competition.

No. 1 – Taylor Hall: End the loser point. God bless you, Taylor. And not only that, he even backs it up with some math. “You look at the standings and you’re like, ‘Oh, so-and-so is .500.’ But they’re really not. They’re 13-13-6, but they’re really 13-19.”

I mean, look, loser point fans…do you realize how indefensible your side of the argument has to be when Taylor Hall is breaking out mathematics to dunk on you? This is the guy who fails open book boating tests and gets confused by pilot lights, and even he can look at the NHL standings and say “Yeah, that doesn’t add up at all.”

Every team Taylor Hall plays on automatically misses the playoffs by 30 points and then wins the draft lottery. If there was anybody on this planet who should want losing teams to get a pity point, it’s him. But he knows the loser point is garbage and he’s not afraid to say so, and that’s why he should be your new favorite player.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Last week, the NHL named former enforcer George Parros to head up the Department of Player Safety. He’s a smart guy who went his entire career without a fine or suspension despite being one of the toughest guys in the game, so you figure he’d make for a great hire. But not everyone was on board.

Of course, that’s no surprise when it comes to DoPS, since everyone complains constantly about everything the department does. And that’s not a new thing. So today, let’s go back nearly 30 years as we ask a star player for this thoughts on the world of player discipline and suspensions.

It’s December 4, 1988, and the Oilers are in town to play the Rangers. It’s the first intermission, and the Oilers are up 4-2. Spoiler alert: They’re going to end up winning by a 10-6 final. The 1980s NHL, man. It was something.

Our host is John Davidson, reclaiming his title as “guy who shows up a little too often in this section” from Alan Thicke. He’s interviewing the Oilers’ new captain, Mark Messier.

I’ll pause here so you can all adjust to remembering Messier with hair.

Davidson does a good job of setting the scene. The Oilers are making their first trip to New York since trading Wayne Gretzky, and Messier has inherited the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of a legend as the team’s new captain. Davidson then asks the question on all our minds: “Mark, what’s that thing on your lip?”

Wait, no, he goes with whether his role has changed. I guess that works too.

As Messier is talking about the importance of leadership, the graphics guy throws up a quick stat about how well he does in games involving the Rangers. This moment has been brought to you by the Department Of Ironic Foreshadowing.

In a stunning upset, Messier doesn’t just mumble something about keeping it simple and playing his game, instead acknowledging that something has indeed changed. They don’t call him the greatest leader in sports for nothing. (“They” being New York fans with Adam Graves neck tattoos.)

“Lee Fogolin, everybody knows what kind of dedication he gave to the game.” Fact check: Mostly false.

Davidson asks whether the Oilers are over the shock of the Gretzky trade, and Messier explains that “fortunately it happened early enough in the summer that the guys were able to get over the initial shock.” He then starts to laugh and adds “I mean, it’s not like he held out and forced the trade two days into the regular season like some kind of jerk.”

Davidson actually does get to a question about Messier’s lip, and to our great relief it turns out to be stitches from Tim Hunter. Davidson asks what he thinks of all the suspensions being handed out these days, and Messier reacts by making the same face my daughter makes when I ask if she’s done her homework.

Look, let’s just get this out there: Messier could be a dirty player. He’d swing his stick, he’d throw elbows, he’d hit from behind. Or, as we all called it back then, “hockey.”

Davidson goes back to Messier’s most recent suspension for knocking Rich Sutter’s teeth out. (You can see that play about a minute into this clip.) As Davidson explains, back then every suspension went through one guy who was responsible for everything. Man, they should really have more than one person doing player safety. Like, maybe an entire department. I’m sure nobody would complain then.

Messier mentions a 12-game suspension from earlier that season. That would be New York’s David Shaw, who barely did anything other than slash Mario Lemieux in the throat. Good ol’ Mess, already preemptively defending the Rangers.

I think my favorite part of this whole interview comes right at the end, when Davidson wraps up and Messier literally manages to say the complete sentence “Thank you very much” in one syllable. That’s a guy who’s done a lot of interviews.

And that’s it. We’re left to dwell on Messier’s basic point: suspensions are already severe enough, the players are getting the message, and we should be fine to make it through the rest of the 1988-89 season without anyone doing anything completely insane.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Vernon Fiddler's impression of Kevin Bieksa – Yes, this clip is years old. But Fiddler announced his retirement this week, so let's all enjoy it one more time.

The second star: Ilya Kovalchuk – Apparently, making fun of Phil Kessel has gone international.

If recent history is any indication, I look forward to Phil reading this, having a good laugh, waiting a few years and then absolutely ethering Kovalchuk while pretending he doesn't realize he's doing it.

The first star: This photo of Matt Duchene - The Avalanche somehow made it through the summer without trading their disgruntled forward, and there was talk he would report to camp. He did, saying he was there for his teammates, but something tells me he might not be thrilled about it.

Things OK, Matt? Blink twice is you want Garth Snow to lower a rope ladder from a helicopter.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: The Calgary Flames have made a dramatic show of pulling out of talks with the city for a new arena. Now the team, with some help from Gary Bettman, is making vague threats about someday moving. The outrage: Absolutely nobody thinks they'll actually move. This is just an old-fashioned shakedown. Is it justified: Sure. We all know the game by now. Some pro sports team cries poor (while refusing to open the books) and demands a massive handout from the public (while refusing to pay it back). It almost always works. In Calgary, for now at least, it hasn't.

That's because Calgary's mayor basically called B.S. on the whole thing, offering the team a reasonable deal but nothing more. Now, the Flames are trying to turn this into an issue for next month's election in hopes of winding up with a new mayor who'll gladly shut down a few public services so the Flames can have a rink just like Edmonton's except maybe with bathrooms. It helps that Seattle just got an arena deal, meaning there's a semi-credible threat to try to beat Calgary fans over the head with.

It's a bluff and we all know it, but that's life in pro sports these days.

Still, there are two points worth making in all of this. First of all, let's deal with Bettman, who made a surprise appearance in Calgary this week to turn up the heat. He did the usual Bettman routine, making snide comments while disingenuously pretending he was there to help.

It's frustrating, right? Luckily, regular readers already know how to handle this.

"… and since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

See? It works! I'm telling you, we're on to something here.

More importantly, a word about Calgary fans.

Yes, we all know that Bettman and the Flames are full of it, that public funds for arenas are almost always a bad idea, and that this is all a big act that will end in some sort of deal eventually. It's easy to watch all of this unfold from the outside with a "been there, done that" weariness.

But it's different when it's your team. Even if the odds of all this being forgotten in a few years is 98%, that 2% chance that it could all somehow go horribly wrong and wind up with Johnny Gaudreau leading the Seattle Space Needles onto the ice for the 2019 season opener is a pretty traumatic thought for diehard fans to process.

So if you see some Flames fan freaking out over the next few days and weeks, maybe resist the temptation to tut-tut them about the realities of municipal economics. They don't need that right now. Instead, just tell them it's going to be OK, agree that none of this is fun, and give them the same support you'd want if it was your team being threatened with relocation because a billionaire had a tantrum.

Because the way this league works, someday, it probably will be.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

So yeah, since the Flames are moving I guess we should pick a player from Calgary while we still can. How about someone from the last time the franchise moved? This week's obscure player is winger Ken Houston.

Houston was drafted in the sixth round of the 1973 draft by the Atlanta Flames; future 46-goal man Blair MacDonald went one pick later. Houston made it to Atlanta two years later and played five seasons before the team moved to Calgary, where he played two more. He was a decent two-way winger, scoring 20 goals six times over his career.

He was also involved in two notable trades. The first saw him go from Calgary to Washington in a package deal that saw the Flames acquire the pick they'd use on Perry Berezan, who'd one day score one of the most famous goals in franchise history, kind of. A year later, the Caps traded him (and future broadcaster Brian Engblom) to the Kings for Hall-of-Famer Larry Murphy. Houston retired after the 1983-84 season.

Here are two other notable things about Ken Houston. One, he joins guys like Cam Newton and Chad Johnson on the list of NHL players who shared a name with a more famous football player. And two, he's almost certainly the only player in the entire history of hockey to ever break the jaw of Dave "The Hammer" Schultz but also get one-punched by Darryl Sittler.

Be It Resolved

This week, ESPN asked 30 NHL players what one rule they would change if they had the power. Be it resolved that we should do this way more often, because the results were fascinating.

You can find the article here, and I strongly encourage you to read the whole thing. Once you've done that, head back here, because we need a thorough power ranking of all the responses.

No. 30 - Connor McDavid: He argues for bringing back the red line, and he's not alone; two other players give the same answer. But McDavid's reasoning stands out: "Just because teams are now -- they just trap. They just sit back. Put the red line back in and everyone has to come back and regroup and build speed and come through the neutral zone."

He's basically saying that bringing back the red line would hurt the neutral zone trap, which is… what? That doesn't make any sense. And he seems to know it, because he basically starts talking himself out of his own answer right away. But still… Connor, dude, really? You think that would help? Were you even alive for the 1995 Devils?

(Does math.)

Oh, dammit. We are all so, so old.

No. 29 - Marc-Andre Fleury: "Less contact with goalies." Yes, that's the big problem facing the NHL these days. The goaltenders have it too rough.

No. 28 - Tanner Pearson: He wants to lower escrow payments. I too would like to have more money than what I've legally bargained to receive. I also want a pony for Christmas, but that's not happening either.

No. 27 - Ryan Getzlaf: "I'd penalize guys for diving more," said the guy who plays on Ryan Kessler and Corey Perry's team. I guess he wants more opportunities to work on his penalty killing?

Nos. 15 to 26 - Everyone who said something boring: Slightly smaller pads, tweaking the offside rules, more consistent officiating, changing the icing rules … These aren't bad ideas, necessarily, but come on guys. You have one rule change and you go with something the league already tries from time to time? Boo.

No. 14 - Shayne Gostisbehere: Shayne wants to make teams have the long line change twice a game instead of once. Not the most exciting answer, but not a bad idea.

No. 13 - Martin Jones: No more leaving your feet to block a shot. See, Marc-Andre, not all goalies are afraid to do their jobs.

Nos. 6 to 12 - The seven(!) different players who all mention playing in the Olympics: I'm with you, boys. Maybe talk to your union about putting it in the CBA it next time.

No. 5 - Jeff Skinner: Just for this quote, which I will leave out of context: "When I hit their knobs and I think it's going in, and it's not a good feeling."

No. 4 - Jack Eichel: "No offside. Just hang down at the other end and wait for the puck to come there." Hell yes! I don't even necessarily agree with him, but I love that answer. This kid is only 20 years old and he's already going full "NHL 94 options screen" on us. By the time he's 25 and has a couple of Hart Trophies he's going to be turning off line changes and switching the goalies to manual control without telling anyone.

No. 3 - Max Domi: He wants to make the nets bigger. Actually, he wants to make them "just huge" and seems to be mostly kidding, but he's the only one who names the one simple rule change that could most improve the game overnight, so he ranks near the top.

No. 2 - Johnny Gaudreau: Death to shootouts. Well, he says "make the three-on-three in overtime go until someone scores," which is basically the same thing. See folks, that's why his nickname is Johnny Hockey and not Johnny Glorified Skills Competition.

No. 1 - Taylor Hall: End the loser point. God bless you, Taylor. And not only that, he even backs it up with some math. "You look at the standings and you're like, 'Oh, so-and-so is .500.' But they're really not. They're 13-13-6, but they're really 13-19."

I mean, look, loser point fans…do you realize how indefensible your side of the argument has to be when Taylor Hall is breaking out mathematics to dunk on you? This is the guy who fails open book boating tests and gets confused by pilot lights, and even he can look at the NHL standings and say "Yeah, that doesn't add up at all."

Every team Taylor Hall plays on automatically misses the playoffs by 30 points and then wins the draft lottery. If there was anybody on this planet who should want losing teams to get a pity point, it's him. But he knows the loser point is garbage and he's not afraid to say so, and that's why he should be your new favorite player.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Last week, the NHL named former enforcer George Parros to head up the Department of Player Safety. He's a smart guy who went his entire career without a fine or suspension despite being one of the toughest guys in the game, so you figure he'd make for a great hire. But not everyone was on board.

Of course, that's no surprise when it comes to DoPS, since everyone complains constantly about everything the department does. And that's not a new thing. So today, let's go back nearly 30 years as we ask a star player for this thoughts on the world of player discipline and suspensions.

It's December 4, 1988, and the Oilers are in town to play the Rangers. It's the first intermission, and the Oilers are up 4-2. Spoiler alert: They're going to end up winning by a 10-6 final. The 1980s NHL, man. It was something.

Our host is John Davidson, reclaiming his title as "guy who shows up a little too often in this section" from Alan Thicke. He's interviewing the Oilers' new captain, Mark Messier.

I'll pause here so you can all adjust to remembering Messier with hair.

Davidson does a good job of setting the scene. The Oilers are making their first trip to New York since trading Wayne Gretzky, and Messier has inherited the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of a legend as the team's new captain. Davidson then asks the question on all our minds: "Mark, what's that thing on your lip?"

Wait, no, he goes with whether his role has changed. I guess that works too.

As Messier is talking about the importance of leadership, the graphics guy throws up a quick stat about how well he does in games involving the Rangers. This moment has been brought to you by the Department Of Ironic Foreshadowing.

In a stunning upset, Messier doesn't just mumble something about keeping it simple and playing his game, instead acknowledging that something has indeed changed. They don't call him the greatest leader in sports for nothing. ("They" being New York fans with Adam Graves neck tattoos.)

"Lee Fogolin, everybody knows what kind of dedication he gave to the game." Fact check: Mostly false.

Davidson asks whether the Oilers are over the shock of the Gretzky trade, and Messier explains that "fortunately it happened early enough in the summer that the guys were able to get over the initial shock." He then starts to laugh and adds "I mean, it's not like he held out and forced the trade two days into the regular season like some kind of jerk."

Davidson actually does get to a question about Messier's lip, and to our great relief it turns out to be stitches from Tim Hunter. Davidson asks what he thinks of all the suspensions being handed out these days, and Messier reacts by making the same face my daughter makes when I ask if she's done her homework.

Look, let's just get this out there: Messier could be a dirty player. He'd swing his stick, he'd throw elbows, he'd hit from behind. Or, as we all called it back then, "hockey."

Davidson goes back to Messier's most recent suspension for knocking Rich Sutter's teeth out. (You can see that play about a minute into this clip.) As Davidson explains, back then every suspension went through one guy who was responsible for everything. Man, they should really have more than one person doing player safety. Like, maybe an entire department. I'm sure nobody would complain then.

Messier mentions a 12-game suspension from earlier that season. That would be New York's David Shaw, who barely did anything other than slash Mario Lemieux in the throat. Good ol' Mess, already preemptively defending the Rangers.

I think my favorite part of this whole interview comes right at the end, when Davidson wraps up and Messier literally manages to say the complete sentence "Thank you very much" in one syllable. That's a guy who's done a lot of interviews.

And that's it. We're left to dwell on Messier's basic point: suspensions are already severe enough, the players are getting the message, and we should be fine to make it through the rest of the 1988-89 season without anyone doing anything completely insane.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Vernon Fiddler’s impression of Kevin Bieksa – Yes, this clip is years old. But Fiddler announced his retirement this week, so let’s all enjoy it one more time.

The second star: Ilya Kovalchuk – Apparently, making fun of Phil Kessel has gone international.

If recent history is any indication, I look forward to Phil reading this, having a good laugh, waiting a few years and then absolutely ethering Kovalchuk while pretending he doesn’t realize he’s doing it.

The first star: This photo of Matt Duchene – The Avalanche somehow made it through the summer without trading their disgruntled forward, and there was talk he would report to camp. He did, saying he was there for his teammates, but something tells me he might not be thrilled about it.

Things OK, Matt? Blink twice is you want Garth Snow to lower a rope ladder from a helicopter.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: The Calgary Flames have made a dramatic show of pulling out of talks with the city for a new arena. Now the team, with some help from Gary Bettman, is making vague threats about someday moving.

The outrage: Absolutely nobody thinks they’ll actually move. This is just an old-fashioned shakedown.

Is it justified: Sure. We all know the game by now. Some pro sports team cries poor (while refusing to open the books) and demands a massive handout from the public (while refusing to pay it back). It almost always works. In Calgary, for now at least, it hasn’t.

That’s because Calgary’s mayor basically called B.S. on the whole thing, offering the team a reasonable deal but nothing more. Now, the Flames are trying to turn this into an issue for next month’s election in hopes of winding up with a new mayor who’ll gladly shut down a few public services so the Flames can have a rink just like Edmonton’s except maybe with bathrooms. It helps that Seattle just got an arena deal, meaning there’s a semi-credible threat to try to beat Calgary fans over the head with.

It’s a bluff and we all know it, but that’s life in pro sports these days.

Still, there are two points worth making in all of this. First of all, let’s deal with Bettman, who made a surprise appearance in Calgary this week to turn up the heat. He did the usual Bettman routine, making snide comments while disingenuously pretending he was there to help.

It’s frustrating, right? Luckily, regular readers already know how to handle this.

“… and since I’ve been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that.”

See? It works! I’m telling you, we’re on to something here.

More importantly, a word about Calgary fans.

Yes, we all know that Bettman and the Flames are full of it, that public funds for arenas are almost always a bad idea, and that this is all a big act that will end in some sort of deal eventually. It’s easy to watch all of this unfold from the outside with a “been there, done that” weariness.

But it’s different when it’s your team. Even if the odds of all this being forgotten in a few years is 98%, that 2% chance that it could all somehow go horribly wrong and wind up with Johnny Gaudreau leading the Seattle Space Needles onto the ice for the 2019 season opener is a pretty traumatic thought for diehard fans to process.

So if you see some Flames fan freaking out over the next few days and weeks, maybe resist the temptation to tut-tut them about the realities of municipal economics. They don’t need that right now. Instead, just tell them it’s going to be OK, agree that none of this is fun, and give them the same support you’d want if it was your team being threatened with relocation because a billionaire had a tantrum.

Because the way this league works, someday, it probably will be.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

So yeah, since the Flames are moving I guess we should pick a player from Calgary while we still can. How about someone from the last time the franchise moved? This week’s obscure player is winger Ken Houston.

Houston was drafted in the sixth round of the 1973 draft by the Atlanta Flames; future 46-goal man Blair MacDonald went one pick later. Houston made it to Atlanta two years later and played five seasons before the team moved to Calgary, where he played two more. He was a decent two-way winger, scoring 20 goals six times over his career.

He was also involved in two notable trades. The first saw him go from Calgary to Washington in a package deal that saw the Flames acquire the pick they’d use on Perry Berezan, who’d one day score one of the most famous goals in franchise history, kind of. A year later, the Caps traded him (and future broadcaster Brian Engblom) to the Kings for Hall-of-Famer Larry Murphy. Houston retired after the 1983-84 season.

Here are two other notable things about Ken Houston. One, he joins guys like Cam Newton and Chad Johnson on the list of NHL players who shared a name with a more famous football player. And two, he’s almost certainly the only player in the entire history of hockey to ever break the jaw of Dave “The Hammer” Schultz but also get one-punched by Darryl Sittler.

Be It Resolved

This week, ESPN asked 30 NHL players what one rule they would change if they had the power. Be it resolved that we should do this way more often, because the results were fascinating.

You can find the article here, and I strongly encourage you to read the whole thing. Once you’ve done that, head back here, because we need a thorough power ranking of all the responses.

No. 30 – Connor McDavid: He argues for bringing back the red line, and he’s not alone; two other players give the same answer. But McDavid’s reasoning stands out: “Just because teams are now — they just trap. They just sit back. Put the red line back in and everyone has to come back and regroup and build speed and come through the neutral zone.”

He’s basically saying that bringing back the red line would hurt the neutral zone trap, which is… what? That doesn’t make any sense. And he seems to know it, because he basically starts talking himself out of his own answer right away. But still… Connor, dude, really? You think that would help? Were you even alive for the 1995 Devils?

(Does math.)

Oh, dammit. We are all so, so old.

No. 29 – Marc-Andre Fleury: “Less contact with goalies.” Yes, that’s the big problem facing the NHL these days. The goaltenders have it too rough.

No. 28 – Tanner Pearson: He wants to lower escrow payments. I too would like to have more money than what I’ve legally bargained to receive. I also want a pony for Christmas, but that’s not happening either.

No. 27 – Ryan Getzlaf: “I’d penalize guys for diving more,” said the guy who plays on Ryan Kessler and Corey Perry’s team. I guess he wants more opportunities to work on his penalty killing?

Nos. 15 to 26 – Everyone who said something boring: Slightly smaller pads, tweaking the offside rules, more consistent officiating, changing the icing rules … These aren’t bad ideas, necessarily, but come on guys. You have one rule change and you go with something the league already tries from time to time? Boo.

No. 14 – Shayne Gostisbehere: Shayne wants to make teams have the long line change twice a game instead of once. Not the most exciting answer, but not a bad idea.

No. 13 – Martin Jones: No more leaving your feet to block a shot. See, Marc-Andre, not all goalies are afraid to do their jobs.

Nos. 6 to 12 – The seven(!) different players who all mention playing in the Olympics: I’m with you, boys. Maybe talk to your union about putting it in the CBA it next time.

No. 5 – Jeff Skinner: Just for this quote, which I will leave out of context: “When I hit their knobs and I think it’s going in, and it’s not a good feeling.”

No. 4 – Jack Eichel: “No offside. Just hang down at the other end and wait for the puck to come there.” Hell yes! I don’t even necessarily agree with him, but I love that answer. This kid is only 20 years old and he’s already going full “NHL 94 options screen” on us. By the time he’s 25 and has a couple of Hart Trophies he’s going to be turning off line changes and switching the goalies to manual control without telling anyone.

No. 3 – Max Domi: He wants to make the nets bigger. Actually, he wants to make them “just huge” and seems to be mostly kidding, but he’s the only one who names the one simple rule change that could most improve the game overnight, so he ranks near the top.

No. 2 – Johnny Gaudreau: Death to shootouts. Well, he says “make the three-on-three in overtime go until someone scores,” which is basically the same thing. See folks, that’s why his nickname is Johnny Hockey and not Johnny Glorified Skills Competition.

No. 1 – Taylor Hall: End the loser point. God bless you, Taylor. And not only that, he even backs it up with some math. “You look at the standings and you’re like, ‘Oh, so-and-so is .500.’ But they’re really not. They’re 13-13-6, but they’re really 13-19.”

I mean, look, loser point fans…do you realize how indefensible your side of the argument has to be when Taylor Hall is breaking out mathematics to dunk on you? This is the guy who fails open book boating tests and gets confused by pilot lights, and even he can look at the NHL standings and say “Yeah, that doesn’t add up at all.”

Every team Taylor Hall plays on automatically misses the playoffs by 30 points and then wins the draft lottery. If there was anybody on this planet who should want losing teams to get a pity point, it’s him. But he knows the loser point is garbage and he’s not afraid to say so, and that’s why he should be your new favorite player.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Last week, the NHL named former enforcer George Parros to head up the Department of Player Safety. He’s a smart guy who went his entire career without a fine or suspension despite being one of the toughest guys in the game, so you figure he’d make for a great hire. But not everyone was on board.

Of course, that’s no surprise when it comes to DoPS, since everyone complains constantly about everything the department does. And that’s not a new thing. So today, let’s go back nearly 30 years as we ask a star player for this thoughts on the world of player discipline and suspensions.

It’s December 4, 1988, and the Oilers are in town to play the Rangers. It’s the first intermission, and the Oilers are up 4-2. Spoiler alert: They’re going to end up winning by a 10-6 final. The 1980s NHL, man. It was something.

Our host is John Davidson, reclaiming his title as “guy who shows up a little too often in this section” from Alan Thicke. He’s interviewing the Oilers’ new captain, Mark Messier.

I’ll pause here so you can all adjust to remembering Messier with hair.

Davidson does a good job of setting the scene. The Oilers are making their first trip to New York since trading Wayne Gretzky, and Messier has inherited the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of a legend as the team’s new captain. Davidson then asks the question on all our minds: “Mark, what’s that thing on your lip?”

Wait, no, he goes with whether his role has changed. I guess that works too.

As Messier is talking about the importance of leadership, the graphics guy throws up a quick stat about how well he does in games involving the Rangers. This moment has been brought to you by the Department Of Ironic Foreshadowing.

In a stunning upset, Messier doesn’t just mumble something about keeping it simple and playing his game, instead acknowledging that something has indeed changed. They don’t call him the greatest leader in sports for nothing. (“They” being New York fans with Adam Graves neck tattoos.)

“Lee Fogolin, everybody knows what kind of dedication he gave to the game.” Fact check: Mostly false.

Davidson asks whether the Oilers are over the shock of the Gretzky trade, and Messier explains that “fortunately it happened early enough in the summer that the guys were able to get over the initial shock.” He then starts to laugh and adds “I mean, it’s not like he held out and forced the trade two days into the regular season like some kind of jerk.”

Davidson actually does get to a question about Messier’s lip, and to our great relief it turns out to be stitches from Tim Hunter. Davidson asks what he thinks of all the suspensions being handed out these days, and Messier reacts by making the same face my daughter makes when I ask if she’s done her homework.

Look, let’s just get this out there: Messier could be a dirty player. He’d swing his stick, he’d throw elbows, he’d hit from behind. Or, as we all called it back then, “hockey.”

Davidson goes back to Messier’s most recent suspension for knocking Rich Sutter’s teeth out. (You can see that play about a minute into this clip.) As Davidson explains, back then every suspension went through one guy who was responsible for everything. Man, they should really have more than one person doing player safety. Like, maybe an entire department. I’m sure nobody would complain then.

Messier mentions a 12-game suspension from earlier that season. That would be New York’s David Shaw, who barely did anything other than slash Mario Lemieux in the throat. Good ol’ Mess, already preemptively defending the Rangers.

I think my favorite part of this whole interview comes right at the end, when Davidson wraps up and Messier literally manages to say the complete sentence “Thank you very much” in one syllable. That’s a guy who’s done a lot of interviews.

And that’s it. We’re left to dwell on Messier’s basic point: suspensions are already severe enough, the players are getting the message, and we should be fine to make it through the rest of the 1988-89 season without anyone doing anything completely insane.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Vernon Fiddler’s impression of Kevin Bieksa – Yes, this clip is years old. But Fiddler announced his retirement this week, so let’s all enjoy it one more time.

The second star: Ilya Kovalchuk – Apparently, making fun of Phil Kessel has gone international.

If recent history is any indication, I look forward to Phil reading this, having a good laugh, waiting a few years and then absolutely ethering Kovalchuk while pretending he doesn’t realize he’s doing it.

The first star: This photo of Matt Duchene – The Avalanche somehow made it through the summer without trading their disgruntled forward, and there was talk he would report to camp. He did, saying he was there for his teammates, but something tells me he might not be thrilled about it.

Things OK, Matt? Blink twice is you want Garth Snow to lower a rope ladder from a helicopter.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: The Calgary Flames have made a dramatic show of pulling out of talks with the city for a new arena. Now the team, with some help from Gary Bettman, is making vague threats about someday moving.

The outrage: Absolutely nobody thinks they’ll actually move. This is just an old-fashioned shakedown.

Is it justified: Sure. We all know the game by now. Some pro sports team cries poor (while refusing to open the books) and demands a massive handout from the public (while refusing to pay it back). It almost always works. In Calgary, for now at least, it hasn’t.

That’s because Calgary’s mayor basically called B.S. on the whole thing, offering the team a reasonable deal but nothing more. Now, the Flames are trying to turn this into an issue for next month’s election in hopes of winding up with a new mayor who’ll gladly shut down a few public services so the Flames can have a rink just like Edmonton’s except maybe with bathrooms. It helps that Seattle just got an arena deal, meaning there’s a semi-credible threat to try to beat Calgary fans over the head with.

It’s a bluff and we all know it, but that’s life in pro sports these days.

Still, there are two points worth making in all of this. First of all, let’s deal with Bettman, who made a surprise appearance in Calgary this week to turn up the heat. He did the usual Bettman routine, making snide comments while disingenuously pretending he was there to help.

It’s frustrating, right? Luckily, regular readers already know how to handle this.

“… and since I’ve been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that.”

See? It works! I’m telling you, we’re on to something here.

More importantly, a word about Calgary fans.

Yes, we all know that Bettman and the Flames are full of it, that public funds for arenas are almost always a bad idea, and that this is all a big act that will end in some sort of deal eventually. It’s easy to watch all of this unfold from the outside with a “been there, done that” weariness.

But it’s different when it’s your team. Even if the odds of all this being forgotten in a few years is 98%, that 2% chance that it could all somehow go horribly wrong and wind up with Johnny Gaudreau leading the Seattle Space Needles onto the ice for the 2019 season opener is a pretty traumatic thought for diehard fans to process.

So if you see some Flames fan freaking out over the next few days and weeks, maybe resist the temptation to tut-tut them about the realities of municipal economics. They don’t need that right now. Instead, just tell them it’s going to be OK, agree that none of this is fun, and give them the same support you’d want if it was your team being threatened with relocation because a billionaire had a tantrum.

Because the way this league works, someday, it probably will be.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

So yeah, since the Flames are moving I guess we should pick a player from Calgary while we still can. How about someone from the last time the franchise moved? This week’s obscure player is winger Ken Houston.

Houston was drafted in the sixth round of the 1973 draft by the Atlanta Flames; future 46-goal man Blair MacDonald went one pick later. Houston made it to Atlanta two years later and played five seasons before the team moved to Calgary, where he played two more. He was a decent two-way winger, scoring 20 goals six times over his career.

He was also involved in two notable trades. The first saw him go from Calgary to Washington in a package deal that saw the Flames acquire the pick they’d use on Perry Berezan, who’d one day score one of the most famous goals in franchise history, kind of. A year later, the Caps traded him (and future broadcaster Brian Engblom) to the Kings for Hall-of-Famer Larry Murphy. Houston retired after the 1983-84 season.

Here are two other notable things about Ken Houston. One, he joins guys like Cam Newton and Chad Johnson on the list of NHL players who shared a name with a more famous football player. And two, he’s almost certainly the only player in the entire history of hockey to ever break the jaw of Dave “The Hammer” Schultz but also get one-punched by Darryl Sittler.

Be It Resolved

This week, ESPN asked 30 NHL players what one rule they would change if they had the power. Be it resolved that we should do this way more often, because the results were fascinating.

You can find the article here, and I strongly encourage you to read the whole thing. Once you’ve done that, head back here, because we need a thorough power ranking of all the responses.

No. 30 – Connor McDavid: He argues for bringing back the red line, and he’s not alone; two other players give the same answer. But McDavid’s reasoning stands out: “Just because teams are now — they just trap. They just sit back. Put the red line back in and everyone has to come back and regroup and build speed and come through the neutral zone.”

He’s basically saying that bringing back the red line would hurt the neutral zone trap, which is… what? That doesn’t make any sense. And he seems to know it, because he basically starts talking himself out of his own answer right away. But still… Connor, dude, really? You think that would help? Were you even alive for the 1995 Devils?

(Does math.)

Oh, dammit. We are all so, so old.

No. 29 – Marc-Andre Fleury: “Less contact with goalies.” Yes, that’s the big problem facing the NHL these days. The goaltenders have it too rough.

No. 28 – Tanner Pearson: He wants to lower escrow payments. I too would like to have more money than what I’ve legally bargained to receive. I also want a pony for Christmas, but that’s not happening either.

No. 27 – Ryan Getzlaf: “I’d penalize guys for diving more,” said the guy who plays on Ryan Kessler and Corey Perry’s team. I guess he wants more opportunities to work on his penalty killing?

Nos. 15 to 26 – Everyone who said something boring: Slightly smaller pads, tweaking the offside rules, more consistent officiating, changing the icing rules … These aren’t bad ideas, necessarily, but come on guys. You have one rule change and you go with something the league already tries from time to time? Boo.

No. 14 – Shayne Gostisbehere: Shayne wants to make teams have the long line change twice a game instead of once. Not the most exciting answer, but not a bad idea.

No. 13 – Martin Jones: No more leaving your feet to block a shot. See, Marc-Andre, not all goalies are afraid to do their jobs.

Nos. 6 to 12 – The seven(!) different players who all mention playing in the Olympics: I’m with you, boys. Maybe talk to your union about putting it in the CBA it next time.

No. 5 – Jeff Skinner: Just for this quote, which I will leave out of context: “When I hit their knobs and I think it’s going in, and it’s not a good feeling.”

No. 4 – Jack Eichel: “No offside. Just hang down at the other end and wait for the puck to come there.” Hell yes! I don’t even necessarily agree with him, but I love that answer. This kid is only 20 years old and he’s already going full “NHL 94 options screen” on us. By the time he’s 25 and has a couple of Hart Trophies he’s going to be turning off line changes and switching the goalies to manual control without telling anyone.

No. 3 – Max Domi: He wants to make the nets bigger. Actually, he wants to make them “just huge” and seems to be mostly kidding, but he’s the only one who names the one simple rule change that could most improve the game overnight, so he ranks near the top.

No. 2 – Johnny Gaudreau: Death to shootouts. Well, he says “make the three-on-three in overtime go until someone scores,” which is basically the same thing. See folks, that’s why his nickname is Johnny Hockey and not Johnny Glorified Skills Competition.

No. 1 – Taylor Hall: End the loser point. God bless you, Taylor. And not only that, he even backs it up with some math. “You look at the standings and you’re like, ‘Oh, so-and-so is .500.’ But they’re really not. They’re 13-13-6, but they’re really 13-19.”

I mean, look, loser point fans…do you realize how indefensible your side of the argument has to be when Taylor Hall is breaking out mathematics to dunk on you? This is the guy who fails open book boating tests and gets confused by pilot lights, and even he can look at the NHL standings and say “Yeah, that doesn’t add up at all.”

Every team Taylor Hall plays on automatically misses the playoffs by 30 points and then wins the draft lottery. If there was anybody on this planet who should want losing teams to get a pity point, it’s him. But he knows the loser point is garbage and he’s not afraid to say so, and that’s why he should be your new favorite player.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Last week, the NHL named former enforcer George Parros to head up the Department of Player Safety. He’s a smart guy who went his entire career without a fine or suspension despite being one of the toughest guys in the game, so you figure he’d make for a great hire. But not everyone was on board.

Of course, that’s no surprise when it comes to DoPS, since everyone complains constantly about everything the department does. And that���s not a new thing. So today, let’s go back nearly 30 years as we ask a star player for this thoughts on the world of player discipline and suspensions.

It’s December 4, 1988, and the Oilers are in town to play the Rangers. It’s the first intermission, and the Oilers are up 4-2. Spoiler alert: They’re going to end up winning by a 10-6 final. The 1980s NHL, man. It was something.

Our host is John Davidson, reclaiming his title as “guy who shows up a little too often in this section” from Alan Thicke. He’s interviewing the Oilers’ new captain, Mark Messier.

I’ll pause here so you can all adjust to remembering Messier with hair.

Davidson does a good job of setting the scene. The Oilers are making their first trip to New York since trading Wayne Gretzky, and Messier has inherited the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of a legend as the team’s new captain. Davidson then asks the question on all our minds: “Mark, what’s that thing on your lip?”

Wait, no, he goes with whether his role has changed. I guess that works too.

As Messier is talking about the importance of leadership, the graphics guy throws up a quick stat about how well he does in games involving the Rangers. This moment has been brought to you by the Department Of Ironic Foreshadowing.

In a stunning upset, Messier doesn’t just mumble something about keeping it simple and playing his game, instead acknowledging that something has indeed changed. They don’t call him the greatest leader in sports for nothing. (“They” being New York fans with Adam Graves neck tattoos.)

“Lee Fogolin, everybody knows what kind of dedication he gave to the game.” Fact check: Mostly false.

Davidson asks whether the Oilers are over the shock of the Gretzky trade, and Messier explains that “fortunately it happened early enough in the summer that the guys were able to get over the initial shock.” He then starts to laugh and adds “I mean, it’s not like he held out and forced the trade two days into the regular season like some kind of jerk.”

Davidson actually does get to a question about Messier’s lip, and to our great relief it turns out to be stitches from Tim Hunter. Davidson asks what he thinks of all the suspensions being handed out these days, and Messier reacts by making the same face my daughter makes when I ask if she’s done her homework.

Look, let’s just get this out there: Messier could be a dirty player. He’d swing his stick, he’d throw elbows, he’d hit from behind. Or, as we all called it back then, “hockey.”

Davidson goes back to Messier’s most recent suspension for knocking Rich Sutter’s teeth out. (You can see that play about a minute into this clip.) As Davidson explains, back then every suspension went through one guy who was responsible for everything. Man, they should really have more than one person doing player safety. Like, maybe an entire department. I’m sure nobody would complain then.

Messier mentions a 12-game suspension from earlier that season. That would be New York’s David Shaw, who barely did anything other than slash Mario Lemieux in the throat. Good ol’ Mess, already preemptively defending the Rangers.

I think my favorite part of this whole interview comes right at the end, when Davidson wraps up and Messier literally manages to say the complete sentence “Thank you very much” in one syllable. That’s a guy who’s done a lot of interviews.

And that’s it. We’re left to dwell on Messier’s basic point: suspensions are already severe enough, the players are getting the message, and we should be fine to make it through the rest of the 1988-89 season without anyone doing anything completely insane.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Vernon Fiddler's impression of Kevin Bieksa – Yes, this clip is years old. But Fiddler announced his retirement this week, so let's all enjoy it one more time.

The second star: Ilya Kovalchuk – Apparently, making fun of Phil Kessel has gone international.

If recent history is any indication, I look forward to Phil reading this, having a good laugh, waiting a few years and then absolutely ethering Kovalchuk while pretending he doesn't realize he's doing it.

The first star: This photo of Matt Duchene - The Avalanche somehow made it through the summer without trading their disgruntled forward, and there was talk he would report to camp. He did, saying he was there for his teammates, but something tells me he might not be thrilled about it.

Things OK, Matt? Blink twice is you want Garth Snow to lower a rope ladder from a helicopter.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: The Calgary Flames have made a dramatic show of pulling out of talks with the city for a new arena. Now the team, with some help from Gary Bettman, is making vague threats about someday moving. The outrage: Absolutely nobody thinks they'll actually move. This is just an old-fashioned shakedown. Is it justified: Sure. We all know the game by now. Some pro sports team cries poor (while refusing to open the books) and demands a massive handout from the public (while refusing to pay it back). It almost always works. In Calgary, for now at least, it hasn't.

That's because Calgary's mayor basically called B.S. on the whole thing, offering the team a reasonable deal but nothing more. Now, the Flames are trying to turn this into an issue for next month's election in hopes of winding up with a new mayor who'll gladly shut down a few public services so the Flames can have a rink just like Edmonton's except maybe with bathrooms. It helps that Seattle just got an arena deal, meaning there's a semi-credible threat to try to beat Calgary fans over the head with.

It's a bluff and we all know it, but that's life in pro sports these days.

Still, there are two points worth making in all of this. First of all, let's deal with Bettman, who made a surprise appearance in Calgary this week to turn up the heat. He did the usual Bettman routine, making snide comments while disingenuously pretending he was there to help.

It's frustrating, right? Luckily, regular readers already know how to handle this.

"… and since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

See? It works! I'm telling you, we're on to something here.

More importantly, a word about Calgary fans.

Yes, we all know that Bettman and the Flames are full of it, that public funds for arenas are almost always a bad idea, and that this is all a big act that will end in some sort of deal eventually. It's easy to watch all of this unfold from the outside with a "been there, done that" weariness.

But it's different when it's your team. Even if the odds of all this being forgotten in a few years is 98%, that 2% chance that it could all somehow go horribly wrong and wind up with Johnny Gaudreau leading the Seattle Space Needles onto the ice for the 2019 season opener is a pretty traumatic thought for diehard fans to process.

So if you see some Flames fan freaking out over the next few days and weeks, maybe resist the temptation to tut-tut them about the realities of municipal economics. They don't need that right now. Instead, just tell them it's going to be OK, agree that none of this is fun, and give them the same support you'd want if it was your team being threatened with relocation because a billionaire had a tantrum.

Because the way this league works, someday, it probably will be.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

So yeah, since the Flames are moving I guess we should pick a player from Calgary while we still can. How about someone from the last time the franchise moved? This week's obscure player is winger Ken Houston.

Houston was drafted in the sixth round of the 1973 draft by the Atlanta Flames; future 46-goal man Blair MacDonald went one pick later. Houston made it to Atlanta two years later and played five seasons before the team moved to Calgary, where he played two more. He was a decent two-way winger, scoring 20 goals six times over his career.

He was also involved in two notable trades. The first saw him go from Calgary to Washington in a package deal that saw the Flames acquire the pick they'd use on Perry Berezan, who'd one day score one of the most famous goals in franchise history, kind of. A year later, the Caps traded him (and future broadcaster Brian Engblom) to the Kings for Hall-of-Famer Larry Murphy. Houston retired after the 1983-84 season.

Here are two other notable things about Ken Houston. One, he joins guys like Cam Newton and Chad Johnson on the list of NHL players who shared a name with a more famous football player. And two, he's almost certainly the only player in the entire history of hockey to ever break the jaw of Dave "The Hammer" Schultz but also get one-punched by Darryl Sittler.

Be It Resolved

This week, ESPN asked 30 NHL players what one rule they would change if they had the power. Be it resolved that we should do this way more often, because the results were fascinating.

You can find the article here, and I strongly encourage you to read the whole thing. Once you've done that, head back here, because we need a thorough power ranking of all the responses.

No. 30 - Connor McDavid: He argues for bringing back the red line, and he's not alone; two other players give the same answer. But McDavid's reasoning stands out: "Just because teams are now -- they just trap. They just sit back. Put the red line back in and everyone has to come back and regroup and build speed and come through the neutral zone."

He's basically saying that bringing back the red line would hurt the neutral zone trap, which is… what? That doesn't make any sense. And he seems to know it, because he basically starts talking himself out of his own answer right away. But still… Connor, dude, really? You think that would help? Were you even alive for the 1995 Devils?

(Does math.)

Oh, dammit. We are all so, so old.

No. 29 - Marc-Andre Fleury: "Less contact with goalies." Yes, that's the big problem facing the NHL these days. The goaltenders have it too rough.

No. 28 - Tanner Pearson: He wants to lower escrow payments. I too would like to have more money than what I've legally bargained to receive. I also want a pony for Christmas, but that's not happening either.

No. 27 - Ryan Getzlaf: "I'd penalize guys for diving more," said the guy who plays on Ryan Kessler and Corey Perry's team. I guess he wants more opportunities to work on his penalty killing?

Nos. 15 to 26 - Everyone who said something boring: Slightly smaller pads, tweaking the offside rules, more consistent officiating, changing the icing rules … These aren't bad ideas, necessarily, but come on guys. You have one rule change and you go with something the league already tries from time to time? Boo.

No. 14 - Shayne Gostisbehere: Shayne wants to make teams have the long line change twice a game instead of once. Not the most exciting answer, but not a bad idea.

No. 13 - Martin Jones: No more leaving your feet to block a shot. See, Marc-Andre, not all goalies are afraid to do their jobs.

Nos. 6 to 12 - The seven(!) different players who all mention playing in the Olympics: I'm with you, boys. Maybe talk to your union about putting it in the CBA it next time.

No. 5 - Jeff Skinner: Just for this quote, which I will leave out of context: "When I hit their knobs and I think it's going in, and it's not a good feeling."

No. 4 - Jack Eichel: "No offside. Just hang down at the other end and wait for the puck to come there." Hell yes! I don't even necessarily agree with him, but I love that answer. This kid is only 20 years old and he's already going full "NHL 94 options screen" on us. By the time he's 25 and has a couple of Hart Trophies he's going to be turning off line changes and switching the goalies to manual control without telling anyone.

No. 3 - Max Domi: He wants to make the nets bigger. Actually, he wants to make them "just huge" and seems to be mostly kidding, but he's the only one who names the one simple rule change that could most improve the game overnight, so he ranks near the top.

No. 2 - Johnny Gaudreau: Death to shootouts. Well, he says "make the three-on-three in overtime go until someone scores," which is basically the same thing. See folks, that's why his nickname is Johnny Hockey and not Johnny Glorified Skills Competition.

No. 1 - Taylor Hall: End the loser point. God bless you, Taylor. And not only that, he even backs it up with some math. "You look at the standings and you're like, 'Oh, so-and-so is .500.' But they're really not. They're 13-13-6, but they're really 13-19."

I mean, look, loser point fans…do you realize how indefensible your side of the argument has to be when Taylor Hall is breaking out mathematics to dunk on you? This is the guy who fails open book boating tests and gets confused by pilot lights, and even he can look at the NHL standings and say "Yeah, that doesn't add up at all."

Every team Taylor Hall plays on automatically misses the playoffs by 30 points and then wins the draft lottery. If there was anybody on this planet who should want losing teams to get a pity point, it's him. But he knows the loser point is garbage and he's not afraid to say so, and that's why he should be your new favorite player.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Last week, the NHL named former enforcer George Parros to head up the Department of Player Safety. He's a smart guy who went his entire career without a fine or suspension despite being one of the toughest guys in the game, so you figure he'd make for a great hire. But not everyone was on board.

Of course, that's no surprise when it comes to DoPS, since everyone complains constantly about everything the department does. And that's not a new thing. So today, let's go back nearly 30 years as we ask a star player for this thoughts on the world of player discipline and suspensions.

It's December 4, 1988, and the Oilers are in town to play the Rangers. It's the first intermission, and the Oilers are up 4-2. Spoiler alert: They're going to end up winning by a 10-6 final. The 1980s NHL, man. It was something.

Our host is John Davidson, reclaiming his title as "guy who shows up a little too often in this section" from Alan Thicke. He's interviewing the Oilers' new captain, Mark Messier.

I'll pause here so you can all adjust to remembering Messier with hair.

Davidson does a good job of setting the scene. The Oilers are making their first trip to New York since trading Wayne Gretzky, and Messier has inherited the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of a legend as the team's new captain. Davidson then asks the question on all our minds: "Mark, what's that thing on your lip?"

Wait, no, he goes with whether his role has changed. I guess that works too.

As Messier is talking about the importance of leadership, the graphics guy throws up a quick stat about how well he does in games involving the Rangers. This moment has been brought to you by the Department Of Ironic Foreshadowing.

In a stunning upset, Messier doesn't just mumble something about keeping it simple and playing his game, instead acknowledging that something has indeed changed. They don't call him the greatest leader in sports for nothing. ("They" being New York fans with Adam Graves neck tattoos.)

"Lee Fogolin, everybody knows what kind of dedication he gave to the game." Fact check: Mostly false.

Davidson asks whether the Oilers are over the shock of the Gretzky trade, and Messier explains that "fortunately it happened early enough in the summer that the guys were able to get over the initial shock." He then starts to laugh and adds "I mean, it's not like he held out and forced the trade two days into the regular season like some kind of jerk."

Davidson actually does get to a question about Messier's lip, and to our great relief it turns out to be stitches from Tim Hunter. Davidson asks what he thinks of all the suspensions being handed out these days, and Messier reacts by making the same face my daughter makes when I ask if she's done her homework.

Look, let's just get this out there: Messier could be a dirty player. He'd swing his stick, he'd throw elbows, he'd hit from behind. Or, as we all called it back then, "hockey."

Davidson goes back to Messier's most recent suspension for knocking Rich Sutter's teeth out. (You can see that play about a minute into this clip.) As Davidson explains, back then every suspension went through one guy who was responsible for everything. Man, they should really have more than one person doing player safety. Like, maybe an entire department. I'm sure nobody would complain then.

Messier mentions a 12-game suspension from earlier that season. That would be New York's David Shaw, who barely did anything other than slash Mario Lemieux in the throat. Good ol' Mess, already preemptively defending the Rangers.

I think my favorite part of this whole interview comes right at the end, when Davidson wraps up and Messier literally manages to say the complete sentence "Thank you very much" in one syllable. That's a guy who's done a lot of interviews.

And that's it. We're left to dwell on Messier's basic point: suspensions are already severe enough, the players are getting the message, and we should be fine to make it through the rest of the 1988-89 season without anyone doing anything completely insane.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Vernon Fiddler’s impression of Kevin Bieksa – Yes, this clip is years old. But Fiddler announced his retirement this week, so let’s all enjoy it one more time.

The second star: Ilya Kovalchuk – Apparently, making fun of Phil Kessel has gone international.

If recent history is any indication, I look forward to Phil reading this, having a good laugh, waiting a few years and then absolutely ethering Kovalchuk while pretending he doesn’t realize he’s doing it.

The first star: This photo of Matt Duchene – The Avalanche somehow made it through the summer without trading their disgruntled forward, and there was talk he would report to camp. He did, saying he was there for his teammates, but something tells me he might not be thrilled about it.

Things OK, Matt? Blink twice is you want Garth Snow to lower a rope ladder from a helicopter.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: The Calgary Flames have made a dramatic show of pulling out of talks with the city for a new arena. Now the team, with some help from Gary Bettman, is making vague threats about someday moving.

The outrage: Absolutely nobody thinks they’ll actually move. This is just an old-fashioned shakedown.

Is it justified: Sure. We all know the game by now. Some pro sports team cries poor (while refusing to open the books) and demands a massive handout from the public (while refusing to pay it back). It almost always works. In Calgary, for now at least, it hasn’t.

That’s because Calgary’s mayor basically called B.S. on the whole thing, offering the team a reasonable deal but nothing more. Now, the Flames are trying to turn this into an issue for next month’s election in hopes of winding up with a new mayor who’ll gladly shut down a few public services so the Flames can have a rink just like Edmonton’s except maybe with bathrooms. It helps that Seattle just got an arena deal, meaning there’s a semi-credible threat to try to beat Calgary fans over the head with.

It’s a bluff and we all know it, but that’s life in pro sports these days.

Still, there are two points worth making in all of this. First of all, let’s deal with Bettman, who made a surprise appearance in Calgary this week to turn up the heat. He did the usual Bettman routine, making snide comments while disingenuously pretending he was there to help.

It’s frustrating, right? Luckily, regular readers already know how to handle this.

“… and since I’ve been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that.”

See? It works! I’m telling you, we’re on to something here.

More importantly, a word about Calgary fans.

Yes, we all know that Bettman and the Flames are full of it, that public funds for arenas are almost always a bad idea, and that this is all a big act that will end in some sort of deal eventually. It’s easy to watch all of this unfold from the outside with a “been there, done that” weariness.

But it’s different when it’s your team. Even if the odds of all this being forgotten in a few years is 98%, that 2% chance that it could all somehow go horribly wrong and wind up with Johnny Gaudreau leading the Seattle Space Needles onto the ice for the 2019 season opener is a pretty traumatic thought for diehard fans to process.

So if you see some Flames fan freaking out over the next few days and weeks, maybe resist the temptation to tut-tut them about the realities of municipal economics. They don’t need that right now. Instead, just tell them it’s going to be OK, agree that none of this is fun, and give them the same support you’d want if it was your team being threatened with relocation because a billionaire had a tantrum.

Because the way this league works, someday, it probably will be.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

So yeah, since the Flames are moving I guess we should pick a player from Calgary while we still can. How about someone from the last time the franchise moved? This week’s obscure player is winger Ken Houston.

Houston was drafted in the sixth round of the 1973 draft by the Atlanta Flames; future 46-goal man Blair MacDonald went one pick later. Houston made it to Atlanta two years later and played five seasons before the team moved to Calgary, where he played two more. He was a decent two-way winger, scoring 20 goals six times over his career.

He was also involved in two notable trades. The first saw him go from Calgary to Washington in a package deal that saw the Flames acquire the pick they’d use on Perry Berezan, who’d one day score one of the most famous goals in franchise history, kind of. A year later, the Caps traded him (and future broadcaster Brian Engblom) to the Kings for Hall-of-Famer Larry Murphy. Houston retired after the 1983-84 season.

Here are two other notable things about Ken Houston. One, he joins guys like Cam Newton and Chad Johnson on the list of NHL players who shared a name with a more famous football player. And two, he’s almost certainly the only player in the entire history of hockey to ever break the jaw of Dave “The Hammer” Schultz but also get one-punched by Darryl Sittler.

Be It Resolved

This week, ESPN asked 30 NHL players what one rule they would change if they had the power. Be it resolved that we should do this way more often, because the results were fascinating.

You can find the article here, and I strongly encourage you to read the whole thing. Once you’ve done that, head back here, because we need a thorough power ranking of all the responses.

No. 30 – Connor McDavid: He argues for bringing back the red line, and he’s not alone; two other players give the same answer. But McDavid’s reasoning stands out: “Just because teams are now — they just trap. They just sit back. Put the red line back in and everyone has to come back and regroup and build speed and come through the neutral zone.”

He’s basically saying that bringing back the red line would hurt the neutral zone trap, which is… what? That doesn’t make any sense. And he seems to know it, because he basically starts talking himself out of his own answer right away. But still… Connor, dude, really? You think that would help? Were you even alive for the 1995 Devils?

(Does math.)

Oh, dammit. We are all so, so old.

No. 29 – Marc-Andre Fleury: “Less contact with goalies.” Yes, that’s the big problem facing the NHL these days. The goaltenders have it too rough.

No. 28 – Tanner Pearson: He wants to lower escrow payments. I too would like to have more money than what I’ve legally bargained to receive. I also want a pony for Christmas, but that’s not happening either.

No. 27 – Ryan Getzlaf: “I’d penalize guys for diving more,” said the guy who plays on Ryan Kessler and Corey Perry’s team. I guess he wants more opportunities to work on his penalty killing?

Nos. 15 to 26 – Everyone who said something boring: Slightly smaller pads, tweaking the offside rules, more consistent officiating, changing the icing rules … These aren’t bad ideas, necessarily, but come on guys. You have one rule change and you go with something the league already tries from time to time? Boo.

No. 14 – Shayne Gostisbehere: Shayne wants to make teams have the long line change twice a game instead of once. Not the most exciting answer, but not a bad idea.

No. 13 – Martin Jones: No more leaving your feet to block a shot. See, Marc-Andre, not all goalies are afraid to do their jobs.

Nos. 6 to 12 – The seven(!) different players who all mention playing in the Olympics: I’m with you, boys. Maybe talk to your union about putting it in the CBA it next time.

No. 5 – Jeff Skinner: Just for this quote, which I will leave out of context: “When I hit their knobs and I think it’s going in, and it’s not a good feeling.”

No. 4 – Jack Eichel: “No offside. Just hang down at the other end and wait for the puck to come there.” Hell yes! I don’t even necessarily agree with him, but I love that answer. This kid is only 20 years old and he’s already going full “NHL 94 options screen” on us. By the time he’s 25 and has a couple of Hart Trophies he’s going to be turning off line changes and switching the goalies to manual control without telling anyone.

No. 3 – Max Domi: He wants to make the nets bigger. Actually, he wants to make them “just huge” and seems to be mostly kidding, but he’s the only one who names the one simple rule change that could most improve the game overnight, so he ranks near the top.

No. 2 – Johnny Gaudreau: Death to shootouts. Well, he says “make the three-on-three in overtime go until someone scores,” which is basically the same thing. See folks, that’s why his nickname is Johnny Hockey and not Johnny Glorified Skills Competition.

No. 1 – Taylor Hall: End the loser point. God bless you, Taylor. And not only that, he even backs it up with some math. “You look at the standings and you’re like, ‘Oh, so-and-so is .500.’ But they’re really not. They’re 13-13-6, but they’re really 13-19.”

I mean, look, loser point fans…do you realize how indefensible your side of the argument has to be when Taylor Hall is breaking out mathematics to dunk on you? This is the guy who fails open book boating tests and gets confused by pilot lights, and even he can look at the NHL standings and say “Yeah, that doesn’t add up at all.”

Every team Taylor Hall plays on automatically misses the playoffs by 30 points and then wins the draft lottery. If there was anybody on this planet who should want losing teams to get a pity point, it’s him. But he knows the loser point is garbage and he’s not afraid to say so, and that’s why he should be your new favorite player.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Last week, the NHL named former enforcer George Parros to head up the Department of Player Safety. He’s a smart guy who went his entire career without a fine or suspension despite being one of the toughest guys in the game, so you figure he’d make for a great hire. But not everyone was on board.

Of course, that’s no surprise when it comes to DoPS, since everyone complains constantly about everything the department does. And that’s not a new thing. So today, let’s go back nearly 30 years as we ask a star player for this thoughts on the world of player discipline and suspensions.

It’s December 4, 1988, and the Oilers are in town to play the Rangers. It’s the first intermission, and the Oilers are up 4-2. Spoiler alert: They’re going to end up winning by a 10-6 final. The 1980s NHL, man. It was something.

Our host is John Davidson, reclaiming his title as “guy who shows up a little too often in this section” from Alan Thicke. He’s interviewing the Oilers’ new captain, Mark Messier.

I’ll pause here so you can all adjust to remembering Messier with hair.

Davidson does a good job of setting the scene. The Oilers are making their first trip to New York since trading Wayne Gretzky, and Messier has inherited the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of a legend as the team’s new captain. Davidson then asks the question on all our minds: “Mark, what’s that thing on your lip?”

Wait, no, he goes with whether his role has changed. I guess that works too.

As Messier is talking about the importance of leadership, the graphics guy throws up a quick stat about how well he does in games involving the Rangers. This moment has been brought to you by the Department Of Ironic Foreshadowing.

In a stunning upset, Messier doesn’t just mumble something about keeping it simple and playing his game, instead acknowledging that something has indeed changed. They don’t call him the greatest leader in sports for nothing. (“They” being New York fans with Adam Graves neck tattoos.)

“Lee Fogolin, everybody knows what kind of dedication he gave to the game.” Fact check: Mostly false.

Davidson asks whether the Oilers are over the shock of the Gretzky trade, and Messier explains that “fortunately it happened early enough in the summer that the guys were able to get over the initial shock.” He then starts to laugh and adds “I mean, it’s not like he held out and forced the trade two days into the regular season like some kind of jerk.”

Davidson actually does get to a question about Messier’s lip, and to our great relief it turns out to be stitches from Tim Hunter. Davidson asks what he thinks of all the suspensions being handed out these days, and Messier reacts by making the same face my daughter makes when I ask if she’s done her homework.

Look, let’s just get this out there: Messier could be a dirty player. He’d swing his stick, he’d throw elbows, he’d hit from behind. Or, as we all called it back then, “hockey.”

Davidson goes back to Messier’s most recent suspension for knocking Rich Sutter’s teeth out. (You can see that play about a minute into this clip.) As Davidson explains, back then every suspension went through one guy who was responsible for everything. Man, they should really have more than one person doing player safety. Like, maybe an entire department. I’m sure nobody would complain then.

Messier mentions a 12-game suspension from earlier that season. That would be New York’s David Shaw, who barely did anything other than slash Mario Lemieux in the throat. Good ol’ Mess, already preemptively defending the Rangers.

I think my favorite part of this whole interview comes right at the end, when Davidson wraps up and Messier literally manages to say the complete sentence “Thank you very much” in one syllable. That’s a guy who’s done a lot of interviews.

And that’s it. We’re left to dwell on Messier’s basic point: suspensions are already severe enough, the players are getting the message, and we should be fine to make it through the rest of the 1988-89 season without anyone doing anything completely insane.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

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DGB Grab Bag: Flames Threaten Calgary and Everyone Loves Bagging on Kessel

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Vernon Fiddler's impression of Kevin Bieksa – Yes, this clip is years old. But Fiddler announced his retirement this week, so let's all enjoy it one more time.

The second star: Ilya Kovalchuk – Apparently, making fun of Phil Kessel has gone international.

If recent history is any indication, I look forward to Phil reading this, having a good laugh, waiting a few years and then absolutely ethering Kovalchuk while pretending he doesn't realize he's doing it.

The first star: This photo of Matt Duchene - The Avalanche somehow made it through the summer without trading their disgruntled forward, and there was talk he would report to camp. He did, saying he was there for his teammates, but something tells me he might not be thrilled about it.

Things OK, Matt? Blink twice is you want Garth Snow to lower a rope ladder from a helicopter.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: The Calgary Flames have made a dramatic show of pulling out of talks with the city for a new arena. Now the team, with some help from Gary Bettman, is making vague threats about someday moving. The outrage: Absolutely nobody thinks they'll actually move. This is just an old-fashioned shakedown. Is it justified: Sure. We all know the game by now. Some pro sports team cries poor (while refusing to open the books) and demands a massive handout from the public (while refusing to pay it back). It almost always works. In Calgary, for now at least, it hasn't.

That's because Calgary's mayor basically called B.S. on the whole thing, offering the team a reasonable deal but nothing more. Now, the Flames are trying to turn this into an issue for next month's election in hopes of winding up with a new mayor who'll gladly shut down a few public services so the Flames can have a rink just like Edmonton's except maybe with bathrooms. It helps that Seattle just got an arena deal, meaning there's a semi-credible threat to try to beat Calgary fans over the head with.

It's a bluff and we all know it, but that's life in pro sports these days.

Still, there are two points worth making in all of this. First of all, let's deal with Bettman, who made a surprise appearance in Calgary this week to turn up the heat. He did the usual Bettman routine, making snide comments while disingenuously pretending he was there to help.

It's frustrating, right? Luckily, regular readers already know how to handle this.

"… and since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

See? It works! I'm telling you, we're on to something here.

More importantly, a word about Calgary fans.

Yes, we all know that Bettman and the Flames are full of it, that public funds for arenas are almost always a bad idea, and that this is all a big act that will end in some sort of deal eventually. It's easy to watch all of this unfold from the outside with a "been there, done that" weariness.

But it's different when it's your team. Even if the odds of all this being forgotten in a few years is 98%, that 2% chance that it could all somehow go horribly wrong and wind up with Johnny Gaudreau leading the Seattle Space Needles onto the ice for the 2019 season opener is a pretty traumatic thought for diehard fans to process.

So if you see some Flames fan freaking out over the next few days and weeks, maybe resist the temptation to tut-tut them about the realities of municipal economics. They don't need that right now. Instead, just tell them it's going to be OK, agree that none of this is fun, and give them the same support you'd want if it was your team being threatened with relocation because a billionaire had a tantrum.

Because the way this league works, someday, it probably will be.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

So yeah, since the Flames are moving I guess we should pick a player from Calgary while we still can. How about someone from the last time the franchise moved? This week's obscure player is winger Ken Houston.

Houston was drafted in the sixth round of the 1973 draft by the Atlanta Flames; future 46-goal man Blair MacDonald went one pick later. Houston made it to Atlanta two years later and played five seasons before the team moved to Calgary, where he played two more. He was a decent two-way winger, scoring 20 goals six times over his career.

He was also involved in two notable trades. The first saw him go from Calgary to Washington in a package deal that saw the Flames acquire the pick they'd use on Perry Berezan, who'd one day score one of the most famous goals in franchise history, kind of. A year later, the Caps traded him (and future broadcaster Brian Engblom) to the Kings for Hall-of-Famer Larry Murphy. Houston retired after the 1983-84 season.

Here are two other notable things about Ken Houston. One, he joins guys like Cam Newton and Chad Johnson on the list of NHL players who shared a name with a more famous football player. And two, he's almost certainly the only player in the entire history of hockey to ever break the jaw of Dave "The Hammer" Schultz but also get one-punched by Darryl Sittler.

Be It Resolved

This week, ESPN asked 30 NHL players what one rule they would change if they had the power. Be it resolved that we should do this way more often, because the results were fascinating.

You can find the article here, and I strongly encourage you to read the whole thing. Once you've done that, head back here, because we need a thorough power ranking of all the responses.

No. 30 - Connor McDavid: He argues for bringing back the red line, and he's not alone; two other players give the same answer. But McDavid's reasoning stands out: "Just because teams are now -- they just trap. They just sit back. Put the red line back in and everyone has to come back and regroup and build speed and come through the neutral zone."

He's basically saying that bringing back the red line would hurt the neutral zone trap, which is… what? That doesn't make any sense. And he seems to know it, because he basically starts talking himself out of his own answer right away. But still… Connor, dude, really? You think that would help? Were you even alive for the 1995 Devils?

(Does math.)

Oh, dammit. We are all so, so old.

No. 29 - Marc-Andre Fleury: "Less contact with goalies." Yes, that's the big problem facing the NHL these days. The goaltenders have it too rough.

No. 28 - Tanner Pearson: He wants to lower escrow payments. I too would like to have more money than what I've legally bargained to receive. I also want a pony for Christmas, but that's not happening either.

No. 27 - Ryan Getzlaf: "I'd penalize guys for diving more," said the guy who plays on Ryan Kessler and Corey Perry's team. I guess he wants more opportunities to work on his penalty killing?

Nos. 15 to 26 - Everyone who said something boring: Slightly smaller pads, tweaking the offside rules, more consistent officiating, changing the icing rules … These aren't bad ideas, necessarily, but come on guys. You have one rule change and you go with something the league already tries from time to time? Boo.

No. 14 - Shayne Gostisbehere: Shayne wants to make teams have the long line change twice a game instead of once. Not the most exciting answer, but not a bad idea.

No. 13 - Martin Jones: No more leaving your feet to block a shot. See, Marc-Andre, not all goalies are afraid to do their jobs.

Nos. 6 to 12 - The seven(!) different players who all mention playing in the Olympics: I'm with you, boys. Maybe talk to your union about putting it in the CBA it next time.

No. 5 - Jeff Skinner: Just for this quote, which I will leave out of context: "When I hit their knobs and I think it's going in, and it's not a good feeling."

No. 4 - Jack Eichel: "No offside. Just hang down at the other end and wait for the puck to come there." Hell yes! I don't even necessarily agree with him, but I love that answer. This kid is only 20 years old and he's already going full "NHL 94 options screen" on us. By the time he's 25 and has a couple of Hart Trophies he's going to be turning off line changes and switching the goalies to manual control without telling anyone.

No. 3 - Max Domi: He wants to make the nets bigger. Actually, he wants to make them "just huge" and seems to be mostly kidding, but he's the only one who names the one simple rule change that could most improve the game overnight, so he ranks near the top.

No. 2 - Johnny Gaudreau: Death to shootouts. Well, he says "make the three-on-three in overtime go until someone scores," which is basically the same thing. See folks, that's why his nickname is Johnny Hockey and not Johnny Glorified Skills Competition.

No. 1 - Taylor Hall: End the loser point. God bless you, Taylor. And not only that, he even backs it up with some math. "You look at the standings and you're like, 'Oh, so-and-so is .500.' But they're really not. They're 13-13-6, but they're really 13-19."

I mean, look, loser point fans…do you realize how indefensible your side of the argument has to be when Taylor Hall is breaking out mathematics to dunk on you? This is the guy who fails open book boating tests and gets confused by pilot lights, and even he can look at the NHL standings and say "Yeah, that doesn't add up at all."

Every team Taylor Hall plays on automatically misses the playoffs by 30 points and then wins the draft lottery. If there was anybody on this planet who should want losing teams to get a pity point, it's him. But he knows the loser point is garbage and he's not afraid to say so, and that's why he should be your new favorite player.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Last week, the NHL named former enforcer George Parros to head up the Department of Player Safety. He's a smart guy who went his entire career without a fine or suspension despite being one of the toughest guys in the game, so you figure he'd make for a great hire. But not everyone was on board.

Of course, that's no surprise when it comes to DoPS, since everyone complains constantly about everything the department does. And that's not a new thing. So today, let's go back nearly 30 years as we ask a star player for this thoughts on the world of player discipline and suspensions.

It's December 4, 1988, and the Oilers are in town to play the Rangers. It's the first intermission, and the Oilers are up 4-2. Spoiler alert: They're going to end up winning by a 10-6 final. The 1980s NHL, man. It was something.

Our host is John Davidson, reclaiming his title as "guy who shows up a little too often in this section" from Alan Thicke. He's interviewing the Oilers' new captain, Mark Messier.

I'll pause here so you can all adjust to remembering Messier with hair.

Davidson does a good job of setting the scene. The Oilers are making their first trip to New York since trading Wayne Gretzky, and Messier has inherited the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of a legend as the team's new captain. Davidson then asks the question on all our minds: "Mark, what's that thing on your lip?"

Wait, no, he goes with whether his role has changed. I guess that works too.

As Messier is talking about the importance of leadership, the graphics guy throws up a quick stat about how well he does in games involving the Rangers. This moment has been brought to you by the Department Of Ironic Foreshadowing.

In a stunning upset, Messier doesn't just mumble something about keeping it simple and playing his game, instead acknowledging that something has indeed changed. They don't call him the greatest leader in sports for nothing. ("They" being New York fans with Adam Graves neck tattoos.)

"Lee Fogolin, everybody knows what kind of dedication he gave to the game." Fact check: Mostly false.

Davidson asks whether the Oilers are over the shock of the Gretzky trade, and Messier explains that "fortunately it happened early enough in the summer that the guys were able to get over the initial shock." He then starts to laugh and adds "I mean, it's not like he held out and forced the trade two days into the regular season like some kind of jerk."

Davidson actually does get to a question about Messier's lip, and to our great relief it turns out to be stitches from Tim Hunter. Davidson asks what he thinks of all the suspensions being handed out these days, and Messier reacts by making the same face my daughter makes when I ask if she's done her homework.

Look, let's just get this out there: Messier could be a dirty player. He'd swing his stick, he'd throw elbows, he'd hit from behind. Or, as we all called it back then, "hockey."

Davidson goes back to Messier's most recent suspension for knocking Rich Sutter's teeth out. (You can see that play about a minute into this clip.) As Davidson explains, back then every suspension went through one guy who was responsible for everything. Man, they should really have more than one person doing player safety. Like, maybe an entire department. I'm sure nobody would complain then.

Messier mentions a 12-game suspension from earlier that season. That would be New York's David Shaw, who barely did anything other than slash Mario Lemieux in the throat. Good ol' Mess, already preemptively defending the Rangers.

I think my favorite part of this whole interview comes right at the end, when Davidson wraps up and Messier literally manages to say the complete sentence "Thank you very much" in one syllable. That's a guy who's done a lot of interviews.

And that's it. We're left to dwell on Messier's basic point: suspensions are already severe enough, the players are getting the message, and we should be fine to make it through the rest of the 1988-89 season without anyone doing anything completely insane.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

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