#which... sucks fr i feel depressed again cuz i just genuinely want someone to like me in a romantic way i want to be earnestly loved

[jadeneppy]

Welp

[goremet-chef]

try not to be mentally ill challenge literally impossible okay right theres the thing??? (ramble? not really a vent im not feelin bad SKJFS maybe rant is better)

its like a "damned if i do, damned if i dont" situation. if i dont say anything i suffer in silence and it eats away at me until i forget or i feel better, and if i say something then it just makes it WORSE. i do not know how to. cope with this KSJDFS

like i know damn well communication is key, but all the times ive communicated about this sort of thing, it just.. people see me a certain way. they see me as broken, depressed, traumatized, MENTALLY ILL. its so. fucking annoying its like this pity i hate it because i dont need to be pitied

i remember _ used to say that about me, the thing about bpd is for a lot of borderlines, yr symptoms are worse when yr in a relationship, and that was the case for me, i was like. MISERABLE i was crying every day and trying desperately to get any sorta love from him (that wasnt just on me tho, he was so shitty fr) and he used to be like.. wow, you really are just broken and it? ?? my brain at the time would mistake that weird half assed pity for genuine affection cuz he basically kept me tied to him but ? he wouldnt date me or show me affection often unless he wanted to like. do e-rp (which is why i hate that shit so much now SFKJF sad i used to love roleplaying) but he didnt want me to date anyone either like i HAD an option. not a very good one but still and i asked assuming he didnt care about me and the answer would be yes, but no he said he wasnt comfortable with me dating someone else. so HE could date whoever he wanted cuz he wasnt gonna date me, but i couldnt. i told him at the time how unfair that was and he was just like "i know..." like he couldnt give me a solid answer why it was hell cuz he was my FP so i had to listen to him in my head. its so. GUHH he sucked ass im so glad i barely think of him anymore

its just like. you try and share hey im gonna be vulnerable rn and let you know that im in some sort of mental distress and i wanna communicate that, but

people dont get it!!! because when it comes to bpd theres no.. theres not really valid reason!! like in MY head there is, but not to anyone else. so for everyone there isnt even a reason for me to bring it up and that just make me look even more crazy its. I HATE ITT no one understands unless theyre borderline too its so. frustrating man

i dont want people to see me like that, i hate it so much id rather just never tell when somethings bothering me cuz eventually ill get over it until it rears its head again yknow? its wack asf